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[jazz music playing]
[announcer] Live from Nashville, Tennessee,
welcome to The Last Late Night with Steve Byrne.
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Tonight's guest, actor, director
Steve Byrne.
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Also, stand-up comedy from Steve Byrne.
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Music from our house band,
the Neal "Sugar" Caine Trio.
[crowd cheering]
Now, ladies and gentlemen, direct from the bar,
here's Stevie!
[crowd cheering]
Oh. How about it for the--all right.
Awesome. Thanks.
Right. So when I point, you just--all right.
Awesome. Thank you, guys. That was great.
[crowd cheering]
How about for the Neal "Sugar" Caine Trio, everybody?
[crowd cheering]
Welcome to The Last Late Night. Let's get into this.
Joe Biden had a press conference the other day.
He was asked what he thinks of Antifa.
He said, "You know, I'm just glad she's off the pancake box,
to be honest with you, so."
[laughter]
[crowd cheering]
Boy, inflation is spiking, inflation is causing a lot of turmoil.
And some businesses got to rebrand because of inflation.
For example, Dollar Tree rebranding because of inflation.
Their new name, Tree 50.
[laughter]
Tree 50.
Oh, news about Elon Musk.
Elon Musk obviously offered to buy Twitter
and he just offered to buy the FBI
for $52 billion.
Yeah. No word if the Clintons are willing to sell yet. But...
[laughter]
-[cheering and applause] -Yeah. Yeah.
We got a situation in Ukraine still, right?
And today, the Biden administration pledged
$2 billion of weapons and supplies to the people of Ukraine.
I think that's fantastic.
The catch is they gotta go to Afghanistan to pick all the shit up, so yeah.
And more on Donald Trump later, obviously, but Donald Trump,
he's the only president I had in my lifetime
that had a bounty on his head. Do you remember this?
He had a missile strike against General Soleimani of Iran.
Iran counters with an $80 million bounty on Donald Trump's head.
$80 million, I thought to myself, poor Stormy Daniels.
She had it in her mouth and only got a hundred-fifty thousand.
[crowd booing]
Fuck you, guys. Great to be here. With respect.
With respect. With respect.
[chuckles]
Okay.
Obviously, you heard about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.
And today, Johnny Depp made the Guinness Book of World Records.
Yeah, he's the first man to win an argument against a woman.
[laughter]
Uh, but there's rumors they're gonna make a film together.
Uh, yeah. Johnny Depp's gonna play Willy Wonka
and Amber Heard's the Chocolate Factory.
[laughter]
I said that because she took a shit in his...
Did you read the new--okay, whatever, that's fine. She didn't.
Now they're saying--now they're saying Amber Heard might be out of work
as an actress for a while. I think that's a--that's a shame.
But she could be a hotel housekeeper.
She likes to leave a little treat on your pillow, so.
I said that because she-- she took a shit on his bed, that's why.
Yeah. You gotta read the--it's okay. It's fine.
You wanna go start the car?
Guys, well, I'll tell you, it is good to be back on stage.
I hate to admit this, but as a comedian coming out of COVID,
we had to take jobs we normally wouldn't take.
I hate to admit this, but, uh... [sighs] I was in my first porn.
Yeah. I played husband that goes to work.
[laughter]
Well, you got--you gotta be-- ask your husband, he'll explain it to you.
You gotta be careful what you say these days, right?
Everybody's getting canceled and you don't wanna get canceled.
I can't believe I live in a day and age where Dr. Seuss was canceled.
I picked up his last book before they pulled it off the shelves.
I hope you guys grab it, too.
It's called There is Disorder at the Border by Executive Order.
That's right.
["The Star-Spangled Banner" playing]
Thank you.
And everybody's getting woke 'cause they don't wanna get canceled, right?
You got country music artists changing their names out of respect.
For example, Lady Antebellum, no longer, it is Lady A.
The Dixie Chicks are just The Chicks.
Even Alabama, Alabama now, Vermont.
Oh, this is exciting. Malibu Barbie.
Malibu Barbie turns 50 this year. It's pretty cool.
Accessories include Ken's house,
Ken's car, Ken's boat,
Ken's bank account, Ken's plane.
You guys are awesome. I was walking over here
and I saw a car where the bumper sticker says,
"I miss New York."
So I smashed the window and stole his radio.
You know, we're--we're gonna have another bout of coronavirus.
It doesn't seem to be going away.
And I still wanna know, where did it come from?
Did it come from a lab? Did it come from a bat?
I learned this on a special report on Fox News.
A baby bat is called a pup while an old bat is called Nancy Pelosi.
[crowd cheering]
Any teachers here tonight? Teachers?
A lot of respect to the teachers.
Overworked, underpaid.
I see stories all the time that remind me of this.
I saw this, a 38-year-old female teacher in Boston, Massachusetts
was arrested for having sex with a 15-year-old boy at a motel.
Now, these teachers cannot even afford a hotel. Come on, guys.
[rimshot]
I was at a Walmart recently in Iowa,
and the Walmart I walked into, there had been a shooting there recently.
I was like, "Oh, my God, Steve, don't get shot here."
Look, you guys are my friends.
If I get shot at Walmart, drag my body to Target.
[laughter]
A new report on climate change just came out.
I don't--I didn't know this.
I don't know if you guys saw this, but did you know this?
Climate change is the number one cause of documentaries?
Some--don't clap. It's just one.
It just sounds pathetic. Thank you, sir, but nobody else...
Nobody else clapped. I don't want it. Um...
Yeah. Some sad news about the world of environmentalism.
Greta Thunberg recently broke up with her teenage boyfriend. Yeah.
Apparently, he was using a petroleum-based lube.
Fuck you, GameStop.
You go shop with Chunk from The Goonies? Where do you go?
Fucking asshole.
With respect. With respect. With respect.
Somebody who's always in the news, Kim Jong-un.
Kim Jong-un recently achieved the highest rank in the North Korean army,
five-foot-six.
[laughter]
A, uh, a Hunger Games theme park recently opened in South Korea,
it's called North Korea.
[laughter]
Now, sometimes, as a comedian, you can read a headline,
you don't have to touch it. This will be one of those cases.
I don't know if you guys saw this, but the head of Planned Parenthood
was forced out after eight months.
[crowd booing]
[laughter]
[applause]
Ooh, ooh. Okay. You didn't like that one.
I got it.
There are rumors that they're gonna make
a new Jeffrey Epstein biopic, yeah.
Gonna star George Clooney and it's called, "Oh, She's 11?"
[laughter]
That's right.
That's what you get for not laughing at the last one. That's right.
So, The London Daily Mail recently published a men's health study,
which says at least for men having sex burns
the same amount of calories as running six miles.
I find that ridiculous because no man ever ran six miles in 48 seconds.
For the boys. For the boys. For the boys. Fuck yeah.
Fuck yeah. That's right.
That's right. He's bad in bed.
Drug company Pfizer has announced they developed
a morning-after pill for men.
Finally, it changes your phone number and DNA.
One more time for the boys.
Cheers. Cheers.
Any Catholics here tonight? Catholics?
-[man] Yeah. -Very nice. I was raised Irish Catholic.
I'm actually Korean and Irish.
I'm Caucasian and Asian, which makes me Caucasian.
Get it? Fuck it. Okay.
My parents are very devout.
Recently went to Rome, visited the Vatican.
They told me this. I had no idea.
The Pope is protected by a 40-foot wall
surrounding the perimeter of the Vatican.
Also protected by his own private security detail,
the police force of Rome and the Italian army.
That is the most protection a Catholic has ever used.
[laughter]
[dramatic music playing]
[laughter]
Thank you.
Recent data shows that old people
read the Bible a lot more than young people.
I guess they're cramming for finals.
[laughter]
The--the Methodist Church recently took a vote
to separate into two separate churches,
one that would accept same sex marriage,
the other that would have a horrible choir.
Thank you.
Oh, some nice news from the world of politics. Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney celebrated an anniversary with his wife.
I think that's very sweet.
I heard he spent his anniversary trying to convince his wife
to participate in a twosome.
[laughter]
You know, I gotta tell you, I was in Las Vegas recently
and I arranged for my very first threesome.
Yeah, we had a few no-shows, but I still ended up having a good time.
You know what I'm talking about? You know?
I jerked off again. I was by myself.
I was--I jerked mine with two hands. Yup. That's it. Good.
I just realized that's my neighbor. Okay.
The lights. The lights.
You guys see the Westminster Dog Show this year? I watched it.
It was pretty cool. There were three new breeds
never seen before because apparently last year's after-party
got a little out of hand.
[laughter]
I just hear, "That's stupid."
[laughter]
All right.
NFL season right around the corner.
The big issue in the National Football League
is concussions, which leads to CTE.
And if the NFL wants to do a better job at curbing concussions,
I think what they need to do is develop better helmets
for the wives and girlfriends.
[crowd booing]
That joke does a lot worse in Baltimore, so I'll take that.
First NFL game I ever went to, San Francisco Candlestick Park,
the old home of the 49ers and The Giants.
I have a deep respect for Candlestick Park,
not only for that memory I shared as a young boy,
but Candlestick Park also shares the name of my favorite Korean porn star.
[laughter]
Three more.
National Geographic has recently revealed a study that says
that human beings and dolphins are the only two animals
on this planet that have sex for fun.
As soon as this report was revealed,
West Virginians have been banned from SeaWorld.
[laughter]
I'm back, baby.
Two more. Two more.
A young couple in Northern California was recently arrested
for trying to sell their young child
in the parking lot of a Walmart for $25.
Walmart issued a statement, "We are horrified.
But yet again, where else will you find these everyday low prices?"
And last one.
[drumroll]
Kim Kardashian was asked
if she could take a selfie with anyone dead or alive,
who would it be?
Her answer, Jesus Christ.
But I think we can all agree he has suffered enough.
There we go.
[cheering and applause]
All right.
We'll be back with more Last Late Night,
ladies and gentlemen.
[jazz music playing]
Good eclectic mix here. What's your name, sir?
-Marcos. -Marcos. Very nice.
And obviously he's Black.
Thank you, Marcos, for being here tonight.
That's Marcos. I'm Polos.
That's Marcos.
And, sir, here in the blue,
-what is your name? -[Christian] Christian.
Christian. Very nice to meet you, Christian.
And, Christian, I assume you have your cellphone on you.
Just ballparking it, like rough estimate,
how many contacts would you say are in your cellphone?
-[Christian] A couple hundred, probably. -A couple hundred.
Good, good. That's probably on average.
And of the hundreds of contacts you have, how many Black friends?
Five, ten.
Marcos.
He's got hundreds,
hundreds of contacts in his cellphone,
and five to ten are African American,
Black or vote Democrat. Um...
What is your response when you hear the--that number breakdown?
What is your initial thought?
[Marcos] How unfortunate.
[Steve] How unfortunate.
He's outnumbered. Let me say what I...
what I know he means.
You white racist piece of shit.
That's what he's saying.
I just wanna apologize to my Black friend, Marcos.
So to move on, we're gonna--so just--I--
just--Marcos,
uh, just a quick question for you.
In your cellphone, how many Asian friends do you have?
You Black racist piece of shit.
Fuck you, dude. Fuck you and fuck you.
Oh.
Neal "Sugar" Caine Trio, everybody.
[cheering and applause]
OC Davis, Andrew Fisher, Neal Caine.
Thank you, gentlemen, very much.
Folks, welcome back to The Last Late Night.
We're gonna start it off right now with our first guest.
Please welcome actor, director,
please welcome everybody, Mr. Steve Byrne.
-[jazz music playing] -[crowd cheering]
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
You look fantastic.
Good drink.
Well, I'll let you guys know, um,
I was one of those folks, I uprooted my family recently
and I moved from Los Angeles, California to Nashville, Tennessee.
Yes. I did.
Love it here. Absolutely love it here.
I'm not gonna lie, I was one of those folks,
I did stereotype before I showed up here.
I thought, "Oh, I'm gonna move to the South, right?
And it's gonna be--it's gonna be barbecue,
and country music, and Confederate flags."
And then you move here, and, yeah.
But I had preconceived notions, you know.
I'll never forget the first day I moved in.
I was signing a package with the UPS driver.
We were making small talk, and he's like--he's like,
"So, where did you move from?"
And I was like, "Los Angeles," he goes, "California?"
I go, "That's it." And he goes, "Will you do me a favor?" I said, "Sure."
He said, "You keep your fucking politics in California."
[crowd cheering]
I said, "Sir, don't you worry about a thing.
And the only thing I brought with me is my Black Jewish husband, so."
Thank you. Just a joke, I'm not gay.
Just a joke, I'm not--dude, I'm not gay.
In that shirt, I'm not gay. With the flamingos?
I'm not gay. Good.
Yeah, now that I live in Nashville,
I've made some friends in Tennessee, obviously.
And they're like, "So what it's like living in Los Angeles?"
Like, "What it's like living in Hollywood?"
I'm like, "What's it like living in Los Angeles?"
You ever get stuck at the airport?
Mechanical issues, weather issues, four or five hours to kill,
you're like, "You know what? I'll go get a cheeseburger." $28.
"I'll go get a beer." $17.
"I'll get some M&Ms." $8.
You're like, "Why is everything so damn expensive?
Oh, oh, oh, I'm stuck at the airport."
That's what it's like living in Los Angeles, okay?
Every day. And now I got friends in California,
they're like, "What's it like living in Tennessee?"
I'm like, "Do you ever go drinking at a VFW?"
But I will say, when I initially got here,
I was so happy because, California,
I left California at a very pivotal time,
like, Governor Newsom was being recalled, for example, right?
And Caitlyn Jenner was running for Governor of California.
And she had a rally. And I went as a comedian.
Uh...
And I went there to, like, laugh and it was pretty convincing.
I'll never forget, she was like, "Californians want change
and nobody knows change better
than Caitlyn Jenner knows change!"
Then she took off in a Trans Am. It was the craziest thing I'd ever seen.
It was just like--
and she took off in a Trans Am.
Caitlyn Jenner took off in a Trans Am, guys.
Caitlyn, Trans, Trans, get it? Fuck it, moving up. Okay.
We'll move on, it's fine.
I did the move for my family ultimately, right?
I got a ten-year-old daughter,
I got a son who's about to turn seven.
And I just always told my wife, I was like,
"We got to get these kids out of Los Angeles."
I don't want my daughter knowing what cocaine is before she's 12, right?
So we're gonna move to Tennessee, where she'll learn what meth is before she's 11.
Yeah.
And I did it for my wife. My wife and I, we've been together a long time.
A long time.
No, we've been together a long time,
and, you know, I'm not gonna lie,
I've been in entertainment 20 plus years,
and a lot of guys in my situation, trust me,
you wanna end up with a trophy wife.
And I can assure you this, I ended up with a participation trophy wife.
Is what I--
that's--the fuck?
She's not here. We can make fun of her. Fuck her.
Fuck her. She got a Lexus.
Used.
'05.
Fuck her. She always gets the last word. Not tonight, it's my fucking turn.
Fuck her. Fuck her.
Yes. But I will tell you this,
I will tell you this, I moved at a time--
go back like two years, this country was divisive,
it was politicized, it was tribal,
and I'm Korean and Irish, right? I don't even know what tribe I belong to.
Over the course of my life, I've literally had people point at my face,
they're like, "So what is that?"
"Sorry?" "Oh, what are you?"
"I'm Korean and Irish."
"How does that happen?"
"The United States military is how that happens. Yes."
[cheering and applause]
And as an American, we all have roots that lie elsewhere.
I wanna go explore my roots, right?
So I've been to South Korea, I've been to Ireland,
and both experiences, I'm not gonna lie,
pretty disheartening. It made me appreciate
being an American that much more. I've, I've been to--that's right, yeah.
[cheering and applause]
I've been to Seoul City, South Korea.
I did a USO show for the troops
and, and at the very base my parents met at.
And then I went off campus, did a show just for South Koreans, tough, very tough.
They knew very little English.
In fact, they only knew three words, and I heard them repeatedly,
"You not funny."
[laughter]
Fuck you, guys. That's not...
I went to Dublin on Saint Patrick's Day,
doing a pub crawl, declaring to anybody within earshot,
"My last name is Byrne. My bloodline's from Wicklow.
Kiss me, I'm Irish." I had a kid throw his arm around me
and he goes, "If he's fucking Irish, me father's Shaquille O'Neal."
Good to be home.
And I think we, as Americans, we have preconceived notions
of what other nations will be like
based off of what we see on film or television, right?
So I've been to China, Japan, and Korea,
all within the last eight years. And I was shocked,
absolutely shocked as an American, not once did I ever hear,
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
You think that's like the hottest shit popping off in Asia.
Like, you're gonna walk in a nightclub in Tokyo,
like, "Oh, fuck, I know this one."
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
"Please stand for the Chinese National Anthem."
♪ Da-da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
"Hey, everybody! It's Chung Chow's birthday, let's sing happy birthday!"
♪ Happy da, da, da, da, da, da, day ♪
I'll never forget the first time I found out I was Asian.
Um...
Yeah.
I was six years old.
I was playing baseball, I hit the ball,
I run to first base, I tag up at first base,
the other first baseman on the other team looks at me and goes, "Chink."
And I look back at him I go, "Thank you.
Thank you."
I thought I it was a compliment. My six-year-old pea-sized brain
thought what must have happened is I must have hit
that ball so hard, audibly, when ball met bat,
well, you must have heard "chink."
So now it's the seventh inning. The whole outfield's going,
"Chink, chink, chink, chink."
I'm like, "These fuckers love me. What a supportive sport."
My father pulls me aside after the game.
He says, "Son, son,
'chink' is a derogatory term
applied towards Asians."
And I remember looking at my father, I was like, "Yeah, yeah, who's Asian?"
He's like, "You, you dipshit, you're Asian."
I was like, "I'm Asian?" I had no idea. That's not how I was raised.
Race wasn't a thing in our house, right? My father's from New York City.
Respect everybody, live by the Golden Rule.
And now all of a sudden, I'm Asian, right?
And I remember going home that day very vividly.
This is all true. This happened.
I remember staring at my mother,
staring at her for the first time, I was like, "So, so she's Asian?
That woman that's four feet eleven with black hair that's wearing
tube socks and flip flops at the same time, she's Asian?
That woman that drives the station wagon with the left blinker always on,
she's Asian?
That woman who wears--that wears a three-foot sun visor and white gloves
to avoid the sun like a vampire, she's Asian?"
"Yes, and so are you."
And that was the beginning of understanding, okay, you're different.
You stand out, aesthetically.
You will be made fun of for this.
You'll get bullied for this. You'll get in fist fights over this.
Some won, some lost, some lost,
-some lost... -[laughter]
And now I got two kids of my own, right? And they're mixed, and I wonder,
"Oh, boy, I wonder if they're gonna get it, too."
And I feel bad for them. And I think about my own childhood
and I feel bad. And I then think, why would I feel bad?
Because they and I are no different than anybody in this room.
Every single person in this room got made fun of,
got shit on, got bullied for something, everybody.
[cheering and applause]
Like, uh...
what did you get made fun of for, buddy? What did you get made fun of for?
-Right here, in the glasses. -Being a camel jockey.
Okay, you said that, not me.
[laughter]
We're gonna...
[ominous music playing]
Thank you for ruining the taping, sir.
I'm officially canceled.
I appreciate it.
Jesus. How about you, buddy, in the glasses,
what did you get made fun of for? As a kid?
[man] Well...
I can think of a hundred things. We'll move on.
Um, sir, in the glasses here--
everybody that went to LensCrafters in the front row,
how about that?
Sir, in the front row,
what did you get made fun of for as a kid?
My weight.
-Your weight? -[man] Yeah.
And look at you now.
[cheering and applause]
You're happy.
I have to. What did you get made fun of for, buddy?
Oh, my height.
Your height?
I was always the tallest one in class.
You were always the tallest one in the class?
Got it.
Just give me a second.
Marcos, as a Black man...
when you hear the strife and adversity
this gentleman's overcome
with the height issue,
can you please let him know when the next march is?
Can you please let him know?
What statue would you like us
to push over for you tonight, you piece of shit?
The fuck.
Okay.
Now, what sucks when you get made fun of as a kid is you're a kid,
you can't process that shit, right?
Then you get a little older, 18, 19, 20, you look back on those years
and hopefully, if you embrace those things, it makes you
more empathetic and sympathetic as you march forward in life.
Maybe, maybe it becomes your superpower.
For me, I embraced those horrible memories, right?
And it became my superpower.
It took me places I never thought I could go.
I ended up having the second Asian-American sitcom
on television after Margaret Cho's All-American Girl.
It was called Sullivan & Son.
It ran for three seasons on TBS.
-So... -[cheering and applause]
Thank you.
So, I--I'm not bringing this up to take a victory lap.
There's a point to all this, but I think anytime you tell people,
"Oh, I had a TV show," they're like,
"Oh, yeah, cash money, right? Millionaire!"
Now, I will tell you this.
We did film on the Warner Brothers lot in Burbank, California.
And what I learned when you film on those soundstages
is the cast gets to park outside the soundstages.
So we were there, it was Big Bang Theory,
Mike & Molly, 2 Broke Girls Two and a Half Men,
Ellen DeGeneres, and in any given day outside those soundstages,
you would see Porsches,
Lamborghinis, Jaguars, Ferraris.
If you came to the set of Sullivan & Son,
it looked like teachers/faculty parking.
Maxima, Hyundai with a spare tire,
Huffy bicycle.
I repeat, Huffy bicycle.
Roy Wood Jr., who's on the Daily Show now,
used to ride his Huffy to stage five, chain it up out front, take the bike seat
and front tire inside with him, I was like,
"Hey, fuck face, do you think Ellen DeGeneres
is gonna jack your Huffy, asshole?"
Now, why am I sharing this with you? This is the point, okay?
We always had great ratings, but never an impact with the Asian community.
So I reached out to a prominent Asian blogger, I said,
"Can you help me get the word out?" He said, "Sure."
We sit down, I go, "I just don't know why we're not crushing with Asians.
He said, " I'll tell you why." I go, "Why?"
He goes,
"You're not Asian."
I was 38 years old when I realized I'm not Asian.
[laughter]
That's right.
And you can read about all the discrimination and confusion
I've had as an Asian American in my new book
called No More Mr. Rice Guy.
[cheering and applause]
So stupid.
But I guess to Asians, I've always been
just white enough to not be considered Asian, right?
And to everybody else, I'm just Asian enough to not be considered white.
So it's very confusing and confounding.
I'm like, "Well, how do I identify myself?"
And I thought, "It's upon you, identify yourself, Steven."
This is personally just how I choose to identify myself.
I identify as red, white, and blue.
The American flag is how I choose to identify myself.
-[cheering and applause] -Yes. Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Nobody else took your cue, but I, I respect it. Thank you.
Get the fuck out. He's a communist.
He hates this country.
Go storm the Capitol, buddy.
Every day is January 6th.
I identify as the American flag, okay?
And, uh...
and the North Korean flag, South Korean flag,
England, France, Russia, Australia,
Taiwan, Netherlands, Cuba, Puerto Rico.
If you have red, white, and blue in your flag, I'm on board.
I love that color combination.
[laughter]
But let's give it up to the greatest combination of red, white, and blue,
and that is Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Fuck yeah, PBR, fuck yeah.
I'll tell you, I, uh, I am glad though
all those kids back home in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,
and Freehold, New Jersey who called me gook, chink,
pan face, slope, slant, data,
short round, my dad killed your dad in Vietnam,
I'm glad they said all that stuff to me, because if they did not,
I would not be dressed up in a tuxedo, in a theater in Franklin
taping my new hour special here with you guys. So thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
That's right.
[cheering and applause]
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I do wanna shift gears here for a second.
We have to address the greatest gift to comedy these last few years.
His name is Donald J. Trump.
[cheering and applause]
Love him.
I absolutely hope he runs again.
Definitely, as a comedian, I hope he runs again.
I've missed this guy like a Christmas buffet.
Um...
Yeah.
You know, all my life, I've heard people say,
"I just want an honest politician. I just want someone who's honest."
Well, guess what, America? You just had one.
I don't think you could fucking handle it.
Yeah.
That dude is pretty honest.
And the media's like, "Donald Trump lies. He's a liar."
It's like, "No, no, no, no, ask him anything,
he'll straight up tell you what the fuck he's thinking."
Here are some of my favorite Trump quotes.
I'm not making any of these up, I'm sure you know some of these.
"Donald Trump, what do you think about Rosie O'Donnell?"
"She's a fat pig."
"Ted Cruz?" "He's a pussy."
"Haiti?" "It's a shithole."
And my favorite, "Donald Trump, what do you think
of former supermodel Heidi Klum?"
"Heidi Klum?
Well, sadly, she's no longer a 10."
Fucking hilarious.
See, as I tell Trump jokes,
I see some wince, and I see some laugh.
As I tell Biden jokes, the same thing.
That tells me your emotional investment in a political party.
Me, I have no emotional investment in a political party
because I think they're both full of shit and I think they're all fucking awful
and driving us crazy
because we have opinions, right?
[cheering and applause]
See,
I was done with politics the minute I realized Democrats
and Republicans use science at their convenience, right?
Follow the science
until you fucking don't.
Here's an example of what I'm talking about.
Democrats will come out and say,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencing climate change,
global warming, polar caps are melting, ocean levels are rising.
We need to save the planet. Republicans, please help us."
Republicans are like, "What the fuck?" "But the data."
"Oh, the data?" "But the polar caps."
"Oh, the polar caps?" "But the science."
"Oh, the fucking science?"
They don't give a shit.
The Republicans come out and say,
"Okay, Democrats, you want me to legally accept
that a man is a woman because he identifies as a woman.
But the biological makeup of that individual shows
and states he's a man.
So I'll judge him by the standards of science
via biology as opposed to identification, Democrats."
And Democrats are like, "What the fuck?
But the biology." "Oh, the biology?"
"But the DNA." "Oh, the DNA?"
"But the physiology." "Oh, the fucking physiology?"
I don't give a shit.
You cannot refute the facts. The facts are the facts, okay?
My wife is gonna call me and check in as soon as the show is over,
"Hey, how was it? Was it at a packed venue?
Like what--like the Grand Ole Opry? Was it the fucking Opry?
Or was it at the Ryman? Was it at fucking Ryman?
Where was it?"
"Twenty minutes outside the fucking city and surrounding area."
"Did the audience have fun?" "Nope."
I'm joking.
Just joking. And there's so much hypocrisy in politics, right?
What's good for one side, bad for the other side.
Flips every four to eight years.
Here's a perfect example of hypocrisy.
Pick a president, Bush, Clinton, Trump, Obama,
what do they do to blow off steam? They go golfing.
And when a president goes golfing, dependent on your media outlet,
they will split screen this president leisurely golfing
with a calamity going on in the world.
"How dare he go golfing while this shit's going down?"
If I was ever president, I'd double down.
I'd piss off the other side so hard.
I would not just go golfing,
I'd go mini golfing.
[laughter]
Yeah.
Snow cone, ice cream, sprinkles, standing in front of a windmill.
"Mr. President, there's 30,000 people without water, power."
Correct, but if I get in this alligator's mouth,
I do this all again for free, for fucking free.
Well, part of coming to a comedy show is to escape politics.
So this is the last thing I will say this evening
about Donald J. Trump-- J for genius--
-is... -[laughter]
I love when people get offended at Trump, they're like,
"Can you believe what Donald Trump said today?"
"Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
This shit's been going on for a while, guys, absolutely, yeah."
Trump, to me, will always go two for three.
In other words, he'll say two things I'd hear any other politician say.
What makes Donald Trump Donald Trump is the third thing he says.
The hanging curveball nobody fucking asked for.
I miss his rallies, unhinged. He'll say whatever comes to his impulsive mind.
And he always reminded me of a guy that shows up a little too eager,
college keg party, 9:00 at night,
excited, saying all the right things out the gates, right?
He's like, "All right, guys, got a lot of beer in the coolers.
We're gonna get fucked up tonight."
Every guy's like, "We're gonna get fucked up!"
"Get some pot, get some girls. We're gonna party, right?"
"We're gonna party!"
"Then we're all gonna blow each other."
What the fuck?
[laughter]
The fuck? Why did he say that? He was doing so good.
He was making sense. He did not just say-- I'm sorry. I got a quick question.
Did you just say we're gonna blow each other?
"Oh, come on, come on, I never said that.
I never said that.
That is fake news.
Fake news.
I love the Blacks. Thank you."
Do you remember when he was campaigning in Detroit?
He said, "I love the Blacks."
That's the funniest shit I've ever heard
from a grandfather on national television.
"Should I say thank you, Detroit?
No. Should I say thank you for your love and support?
I know. I love the Blacks."
[laughter]
And the minute he said it, all the liberals are like, "You see? He's racist."
I'm like, "He just said he loves the Blacks. He loves Blacks."
[laughter]
I want that to be my ringtone.
"I love the Blacks.
I love the Blacks.
I love the Blacks." "Hello?
What's up, Marcos?"
It's my Black friend, Marcos. All right, ladies and gentlemen,
we'll be back with more Last Late Night
and comedian Steve Byrne, everybody.
-[jazz music playing] -[cheering and applause]
A lot of you have been asking me when this special is gonna air.
Believe me, guys, this won't see the light of day.
[laughter]
-That's not a bad thing. -That's not a bad...
-It's not a bad thing, guys. -Yeah.
-Good.
-Are we done? -[man] You didn't thank me.
Yeah.
[laughter]
[man] I'm out here getting the crowd excited...
-Yep. -...for something they don't wanna see.
[laughter]
Hold on. Hold on. I'm not gonna--I'm not gonna--hold on.
I'm not gonna get shit on by Rosie O'Donnell's stunt double.
-Okay? So... -[laughter]
[man] Good one, boss.
[laughter]
Aye.
Neal Caine Trio.
I wanna take a moment and I wanna thank everybody
here tonight for understanding the social contract
which binds us here collectively together.
You understand you are sitting within the confines of a theater,
witnessing a comedy show.
You have been hearing and receiving jokes as they are intended
to be received simply as that, jokes.
I wanna thank everybody in this room for not being a victim tonight.
Thank you very much.
-I appreciate it. -[cheering and applause]
That's right.
We live in a day and age of indoor cats, right?
Somebody hears something offensive,
they collect it from the ether,
bring it to social media and communicate to the world.
"Can you believe what he said?
Now I got the tummy bubbles."
[laughter]
Fuck your tummy and fuck your feelings.
Life, life does not give a shit about your feelings.
I don't care about your feelings.
And you lot apparently don't care about my feelings
because if you did, you would have laughed at that
Candlestick Park joke, but you did not.
You did not.
I think political correctness, woke cancel culture,
it's gotten so excessively out of bounds, everybody in this room,
you've heard something where you go, "It's just getting a little out of hand."
For me, it happened four years ago.
You see, there's a song banned from the radio waves,
"Baby It's Cold Outside,"
because there is a generation that feels that this song implies,
insinuates, is indeed in fact about rape.
Rape. Are you fist fucking me?
[laughter]
A holiday song about flirtation written by a husband and wife duo.
They won an Academy Award for this song
they used to sing at the end of their dinner parties
as their guests left their home.
It was popularized by one of the classiest gentlemen
to come out of Steubenville, Ohio, via Hollywood.
His name is Dean Martin.
Now, if you think Dean Martin sang a Christmas song about rape,
I cannot wait for these young code breakers
to find out what "White Christmas" is truly about.
See, my appreciation for freedom of speech is all in.
Okay? And that separates me from a lot of people,
especially people even in my profession, comedians.
They feel there should be some restraints.
I-I don't, and that's a big difference between me and a lot of people.
But this, this is the biggest difference between me
and everybody in this room right now.
Okay? You are out for a night out.
You work hard all week.
This is your weekend. This is your free time.
And you chose to come out to a comedy show, kick a few back, have some laughs.
That is certainly my hope for you.
But me presently right now, I'm working.
I am at work right now.
And here's the difference between me and you.
There is no HR here to hold me accountable
for anything I say this evening, anything.
[cheering and applause]
As long as I adhere and apply the one rule,
there's only one rule that exists in a comedy club for a comedian.
Just one, attempt humor.
All I have to do is attempt a joke, and I'm free to say whatever I want, okay?
She likes anal. I can say that.
I'm at work right now. She likes it in the ass.
I'm working right now.
She likes it in the can.
She likes knowing she can't get pregnant.
It's how she's raised.
I'm working.
She'll save it for a special occasion, like after a tenth anniversary.
They go swimming with some dolphins.
That's the night she's gonna lie on her tum-tum
and Ricky inserts himself up her backside.
And I'm telling you, given her reaction, I do think I struck a chord.
I have not seen you this happy this whole show.
Look at her beaming like a Christmas tree.
So here I am. I'm at work.
She likes it in the ass. You all heard it.
[laughter]
Now, again, the difference.
Let's say any one of you goes to work on Monday.
You work with this lovely young lady.
You walk over to her corner office,
you're like, "Guys, guess what I learned about Cathy.
She likes it in her asshole."
[laughter]
Your shit is getting wiped from the desk.
Everything's in a cardboard box and security is escorting you to your car.
And that's what makes me better than everybody in this fucking room right now.
With respect.
[cheering and applause]
I mean, isn't life tough enough?
Life--you are wiping tears.
She--over the anal joke.
Get some Gatorade on the way home tonight, honey. You know what I'm saying?
Isn't life tough enough? Life is hard, right?
It gets harder the older you get.
And we're holding each other accountable for words we said 10, 15 years ago.
Some of us were just kids, right?
I mean, tonight I shared with you
the two most negatively impactful things ever said to me.
Not on a screen, said to my face,
one happened when I was six years old.
"Chink." Ouch.
Another happened when I was 38 years old.
"You're not a Chink."
What the fuck's going on here?
[laughter]
And you know what happened in the aftermath
of those things being said to me?
Somebody said it to me.
I received it, it hurt, it stung.
And then get this, you'll never believe what I did.
I just got the fuck on with my life.
Ain't that crazy?
[cheering and applause]
Thank you.
Crazy.
I just accepted. You know what?
There's just assholes out there.
There's fucking assholes.
There's camel jockey assholes, right?
There's fat fucking assholes, right?
There's women that like it in their assholes right there.
All kinds of assholes.
I mean, life, don't-- don't take it so seriously.
I'll share with you right now the most insulting thing
I've ever heard in my life as an Asian American.
I'll also have you know it's the most ignorant thing I've ever heard
in my life as an Asian American.
But you could bet your bottom dollar, by far,
this is the funniest thing I've ever heard
in my life as an Asian American.
I'm not making this up. You can Google this. This is all true.
A few years ago, Asiana Airlines crashes.
Tragic, newsworthy.
Within 24 hours, a news reporter in San Francisco
cites the names of the four captains
of this doomed airliner.
I will recite them for you now.
They are Captain Wi Tu Lo.
Get it? 'Cause they crashed.
That's--yeah.
Captain Bang Ding Ow.
My personal favorite, Captain Sum Ting Wong.
And Captain Ho Lee Fuk.
Now that is racist.
It is tragic and it's fucking hilarious.
How on God's green earth could anybody possibly conceive
that those four names were real, let alone a major news outlet?
If you're on an actual airplane
and the captain came over the loudspeaker,
"Welcome to Asiana Airlines Flight 259 to Tokyo.
We just wanna introduce ourselves before we takeoff here.
Yeah. I'm Captain Wi Tu Lo.
This is Captain Bang Ding Ow,
Captain Sum Ting Wong,
and Captain Ho Lee Fuk."
[laughter]
I'd be like, "I gotta get the Fuk off your plane.
I am Pastor Me Long Gone."
All right. Everybody doing okay out there?
Everybody happy?
[cheering and applause]
I want you to be happy.
I, uh, I've been trying to define happiness in my 40s.
Once I hit 40, I was like trying to define happiness
'cause I always thought happiness would be derived
from something I accomplished professionally, right?
I thought doing The Tonight Show for the first time,
a show I revered as a child, I thought, "Oh, that'll make me happy."
I thought having my own sitcom as a comedian,
I thought that would indeed make me happy.
I thought writing and directing a feature film about the profession I love
with some of my best friends, I thought that would make me happy.
And every time I accomplished something that stood out on my resume,
I never felt like Tom Brady hoisting the Lombardi Trophy,
partying my ass off.
I always felt like a marathon runner crossing a finish line.
You ever see them cross a finish line?
They, they run past it, collapse, relief.
I always felt relieved after I accomplished something.
I thought, "Well, what's it gonna take?
If these things don't make you happy, what's it gonna take?"
And then this happened. This happened to me recently.
I was playing ice hockey in a beer league, right?
It was a shit game. I got hurt, pissed mood, hungry, walking out.
My wife and two kids are there.
As I walk out, I make eye contact with my wife.
My eyes gravitate to the ground and I muddle my way over to her.
And as I do, my son and daughter both walk towards me
and each one of them grabbed a hand.
And the minute my kids held my hand,
any negative feelings I had dissipated.
Gone. I felt euphoric.
I felt joyful. In fact, I felt happy.
I felt happy from my kids holding my hand.
That's all it took. And it stayed with me all day.
And I thought, "That's it.
That's it, Steve.
This is where you derive happiness, right?"
And that night, I was giving my son a bath.
Just for legal clarity, he is six years old and I'm his legal guardian.
So, he was in a bath and I was, just as a parent,
giving him a bath, and I looked down at my son,
I say, "Ken, I love you, buddy."
And my son looked at me, he said, "I love you too, Dad."
It was sweet. Very nice.
And then, then he looked confused and a little turd of shit
bubbled to the top of the tub.
[laughter]
And I thought that's life. That's life right there.
That's life. Life gives you these little moments of happiness.
So embrace it when it happens 'cause there's a turd of shit
waiting right around the corner to fucking ruin everything.
[applause]
So I've been more attentive
and observant to the things under the roof of my house
that have been making me laugh, as opposed to a comedian
going out and experiencing life and writing things down, right?
So I, uh, my--my--my daughter is fantastic.
She's a wonderful little lady.
A little bitchy at times, but she's, she's a girl.
She's a girl.
My son is a boy.
Make no bones about it. He is a boy.
And he's been saying things.
I don't know when he knows to pull the ace out of the sleeve,
but he's been saying some shit lately that's--I'm like, "Wow."
So the other day, my son was outside playing. Okay?
He was rolling around the grass and he got bit by bugs everywhere.
All over his body, his private parts,
his bits and pieces, the junk, what have you.
Okay.
So my wife takes him to a doctor, right?
And the doctor looks at him, leaves the room,
and my son looks at my--my wife.
He goes, "Mom. Mom, do you know what the doctor was looking at?"
She goes, "Yeah. Your bug bites, honey."
He goes, "No, deez nuts."
-I was like... -[laughter]
That's my boy.
He's not going to Mars, but he makes me laugh.
That's my boy. Yeah. He's not curing cancer.
Not this one. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's my guy.
Then I, uh, I had bought a antique gumball machine.
I put it in our living room,
filled it up with gumballs like a dipshit, right?
We got a ten and seven-year-old. What do you think is gonna happen?
So now we have an alarm clock.
Every day, 7:00 in the morning, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang,
clang, clang, clang, clang.
My wife comes down on the third day. And she's like, "Oh, my God.
Ken, stop it with the gum.
I told you, eat your breakfast, do your chores,
brush your teeth, then maybe gum.
Spit it out. Spit it out now."
My son takes out this huge wad of gum,
puts it her in hand, and he goes,
"You got to chill with that bullshit."
Mm.
I am dying laughing. I'm like, "Fuck yeah.
Fuck yeah. It's about time somebody said that shit to her.
About time."
[laughter]
"I was never man enough to set her straight.
But you did it, man. Thank you.
Thank you."
But this could be my favorite. This could be my favorite.
My wife was sleeping recently,
and my son woke her up and he,
he tugs on the--on the sheet.
He goes, "Mom. Mom. Mom. Oh, my God. My stomach hurts so bad.
I had diarrhea and it got everywhere.
It got everywhere.
Can you please help me? Can you please help me?"
She goes, "Yeah, of course, I can."
She gets up, she gets a warm washcloth and she's wiping off his butt.
She goes, "Ken, it's--it's stuck.
It's like--it's not coming off. I think we got to get you in the shower."
My son's sitting there and he's getting his butt wiped and he goes, "Gotcha!"
[laughter]
She goes, "What?" He goes, "Yeah. I colored my butt."
[laughter]
"I colored it with marker.
I colored my butthole and my butt.
I colored it at all."
So it's all these things I've been writing down
and I'm like dying laughing at this stuff.
And I share it with my wife, I'm like, "Oh, my God. This is so funny."
She's like, "Yeah. It's cute." I'm like, "Cute? It's hilarious."
She's like, "Yeah, funny."
I'm like, "Oh, my God.
We have a different sense of humor."
Then this happens.
This crystallizes the difference between her and I,
and our senses of humor. Okay?
We go to eat lunch one day,
Downtown Los Angeles. Okay?
We're walking to get something to eat.
And--and we round this corner and in the middle of the sidewalk,
broad daylight, there is a homeless man
squatting down and he's taking a shit.
[laughter]
He looks up at my wife and he goes,
"Well, hello, beautiful."
[laughter and applause]
My wife is horrified, absolutely horrified.
And I cannot stop laughing.
Can't stop laughing.
I'm like, "This dude's taking a shit
and he's hitting on my wife at the same time?
I'll tell you what, you get--you get her number,
you get the keys to the house, sir.
You scaled Everest."
We go to eat lunch. I thoroughly enjoy my lunch.
My wife did not eat for some reason.
I don't know what her problem is. I don't know.
[laughter]
As we're getting up, she goes, "Oh, by the way,
when we go home, we're not gonna walk home."
And then I'm like, "The fuck we're not.
The fuck we're not. We're walking back exactly that way home.
I need to see America's hero again."
And I'm so glad we did, because now we discover
this man is being placed under arrest up against a wall.
I also learned no pants.
Never had on pants.
[laughter]
So he's yelling at the cops.
But as he is, he sees my wife again, locks eyes.
This is what goes down.
He's like, "Well, maybe you motherfuckers,
you don't know the fuck you're fucking around with.
Well, hello again."
[laughter and applause]
Well, hello again.
Like, they shared a moment earlier that's undeniable.
My wife is holding her food to go, dry heaving.
I'm up against a parking meter with tears streaming down my face.
I'm like, this dude has no pants.
He just took a shit.
He's going to jail and sex is still the priority here.
I'll bail him out myself.
That the greatest wingman I've ever met in my entire life.
And he's right here in the front row. Thanks again, buddy.
I appreciate it.
All right.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, very much
for coming out to The Last Late Night, everybody.
I love you, Nashville. Thank you.
-[jazz music playing] -[cheering and applause]
[cheering and applause]
Participation trophy wife?
Please.
I'm the one who married an Asian Elon Musk.
-[jazz music playing] -[cheering and applause]
[cheering and applause]