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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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["The Spring Breeze
Kisses My Face" playing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[singing in Mandarin]

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[audience cheering, applauding]

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[announcer] Welcome to the stage,

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the one, the only: Ronny Chieng!

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[cheering continues]

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Yes! Yes!

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Yes!

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We did it. We did it.

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-We solved racism. Thank you.
-[laughter]

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Thank you for coming out.

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Thank you for coming tonight,
New York City.

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Thank you for not dying
during the pandemic.

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Thank you for surviving.

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We couldn't do comedy without you.

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We tried.

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There's too many fucking podcasts.

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I feel like 2021 was the year

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that people who peaked in high school
really found their voice…

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[laughter]

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…on the Internet.

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All these fucking idiots on Facebook
demanding evidence.

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You're trying to give them
life-saving information.

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Like, "Here's some
life-saving information."

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"Where's the evidence for this?
Where's the evidence for this?

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Where's the evidence?"

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All these fucking D-average students

30
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who lack
basic reading comprehension skills

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demanding PhD-level evidence

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on virology.

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What could you ever show them
that would be enough?

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What evidence could you possibly show them
where they'd be like…

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"Oh, my God. Thank you so much…

36
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,994
for showing me this evidence.

37
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I wasn't aware
of this scientific theory before,

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but now that I've read every page
of this peer-reviewed article,

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including the footnotes,

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and I spent the weekend cross-referencing
the sources on LexisNexis,

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and everything seems to check out,

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and I feel like
I'm a better person for it.

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So, thank you so much for taking the time
to make me a better person."

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These fucking morons.

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They're fucking morons. They are.

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I appreciate the sentiment
of wanting to understand everything

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and having critical-thinking skills.

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But the amount of background knowledge
you need to know to get to this point,

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it's a little late in the game
to be getting into the "knowing" business.

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At this stage of your life, you're more
in the "shut up and listen" business

51
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:39,969
because there's too much.

52
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There's too much shit you missed out on.

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You skipped too many classes, all right?

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You're like the guy
who didn't study all semester,

55
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and then you show up for the exam,

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and you're like,
"None of this makes sense!

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Math isn't real!"

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There's too much-- It's like trying
to explain quantum physics to a dog.

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It's just beyond you at this point.
Just get with the program. All right?

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This is the miraculous technological era
that we live in right now.

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Okay, within three months
of this shit breaking out in March 2020,

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they decoded the genome of the virus.

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Yeah, they decoded it.

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They were like,
"Yo, everyone, look, we found it.

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We found the enemy.

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Everybody, look, we got it right here.

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Look, it's A-A-A-A, B-B-B-B-B-B,
G-G-G-G-G-G,

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-A-A-A-A, D-D-D-D-D, A-A-A, C-C-C-C-C, T."
-[laughter]

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Can you imagine showing that
to these idiots on Facebook…

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demanding evidence?

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Saying, "Where's the evidence?
Where's the evidence?"

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Like, "Right here. We got it.

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We found the exact sequence
of proteins and amino acids."

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"What the fuck is this shit?

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Oh, yeah, right. You 'decoded' a genome.

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Oh, yeah, you expect us to believe
you 'decoded' a genome,

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and that's what it looks like,
these shitty Scrabble letters.

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Yeah, I can decode genomes too.
Anyone can decode genomes.

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Watch me decode genomes
on my keyboard all day."

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[laughter]

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All these fucking D-average students

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who were in the back of the classroom
their entire academic career.

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They were in the back of the class.

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Stay the fuck in the back.

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Don't come to the front during a pandemic

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because you figured out
how to start a podcast.

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Stay the fuck in the back with
your D-average mouth where you belong.

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You had every opportunity
to prove yourself academically

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and you failed or were mediocre at best
at every level.

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Why the fuck should we listen to you
about anything?

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Let the nerds lead.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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Yeah. That's what the nerds are for.

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Everything around you
was built by fucking nerds.

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That's their job.

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Nerds are here to input as much
raw data into their head as possible,

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swirl it around,

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and then regurgitate a path forward
of highest probability of success.

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All right? And, yeah, some stuff fucks up
because it's a probability thing.

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All right?
It's a normal distribution curve.

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You're never gonna get
a standard deviation of zero.

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That's basic central limit theorem,

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-right?
-[laughter]

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Like, I love these guys
who didn't go to school

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and they automatically assume
that they're street smart.

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It's like, "Yo, it's not automatic.

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[laughter]

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You could be both dumb and street dumb.

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That's also a possibility."

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I've been lucky to live
in a couple of countries in my life.

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I was born and raised in Malaysia,

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I grew up in Singapore,
I lived in Australia for, like, ten years,

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and now I live in America.

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Feel free to cheer that last one.

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[laughter]

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Or not, it's fine.

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-[person] Yeah! Whoo!
-It's a bit late. You missed it.

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But I applaud you for trying. [chuckles]

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[laughter]

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Um, I'm just saying
I've lived a few places, okay?

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Not just for like a weekend getaway.

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I've lived in these places
for like a decade or more. Okay?

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And I'm telling you guys
from personal experience, all right,

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there's racist people everywhere.

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Okay? Every country
has its racist, awful people.

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I've seen them. They fucking suck.

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Also, it's such an obvious point to make.
I thought it goes without saying.

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But apparently,
if you don't say it enough in America,

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everyone goes crazy with the whataboutism.

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You're trying to point out
some fucked-up situations,

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00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:09,989
like, "Yo, this situation is fucked up."

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And some people are like, "You think
that's fucked up? What about these people?

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And what about what these jerks are doing?
What about what these assholes are doing?"

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00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:19,624
And it's like, "Yeah, of course.

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Of course, every race
has its racist, awful people."

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The problem is we keep comparing
the worst 10% of one race

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with the best 10% of another race.

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[laughter]

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Right? Which is obviously a mistake.

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Because what we should be doing

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is we should be getting
the worst 10% of every race

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and comparing that.

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So we can figure out
which is the worst race.

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00:09:00,748 --> 00:09:05,670
So we can finally answer that question
and solve racism.

145
00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:08,756
Because then there can be consensus.

146
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:14,220
Right? We can be like,
"Yo, look. This race is the worst."

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00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:20,101
And that race can take a good look around
and be like, "Yeah, we are the worst.

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Goddamn it."

149
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And then there can be healing.

150
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:31,237
Right? But we gotta be
comparing apples to apples.

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00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:35,074
We can't be going high-low
with the comparisons.

152
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The p-values are too high.

153
00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,078
[laughter]

154
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In fact, you know what?
Fuck it, let's do it right now.

155
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Yeah, let's do it right now.

156
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Let's figure out
which is the worst race right now.

157
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Okay? You guys up for it?

158
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,671
-[audience] Yeah!
-All right. Okay. Cool.

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00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:52,300
On three, I want you to shout out
which race you think is the worst.

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00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:54,677
All right? Okay? No, no, no.

161
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Don't worry. We'll all do it together.
We'll all do it together.

162
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I'll join in. Of course, I'll join in.

163
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:04,020
Right? Don't worry, this is a comedy show.
This is a safe space.

164
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:05,104
[laughter]

165
00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:08,149
We asked you to put your phones away
for this moment right now.

166
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,318
Now is the time to let it out.

167
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,155
This is it. Don't-- Don't bottle it up
and go crazy outside.

168
00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:18,117
Just-- Let it out now.
Let the demons out now, all right? Okay?

169
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:21,954
You don't even have to be specific.
Okay? Just shout a color.

170
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,414
[laughter]

171
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:25,041
Okay? Okay?

172
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:26,959
Guys, we all know
what the answer is going to be.

173
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:27,877
[laughter]

174
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,004
Come on.
Who are we fooling here? All right?

175
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:33,507
Okay, on three, worst race on three.
Okay? One…

176
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,885
This is happening,

177
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,220
whether you join in or not.

178
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,348
You might as well say something,

179
00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:42,058
even if you don't believe it.

180
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,310
Just as a creative exercise.
Just let it out.

181
00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:46,729
It's like speaking in tongues.
Just go… [babbles]

182
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,272
All right? Okay, on three. Okay?

183
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,691
Worst race, on three, all right?

184
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:54,153
Okay, one. Worst race. Two.

185
00:10:55,112 --> 00:10:56,572
-Three.
-[person shouts indistinctly]

186
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:59,825
If you said anything,
you're the worst 10% of your race.

187
00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:05,873
That was fucking disgusting.

188
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,042
[laughter]

189
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:13,506
Bunch of goddamn racists
coming to my show in New York City,

190
00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:17,134
completely missing the point of that joke.

191
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,511
[laughter]

192
00:11:18,594 --> 00:11:20,763
And I'm going to expose you
to the country,

193
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:23,974
every comedy show I do.

194
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:26,060
And the problem with that joke is

195
00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:31,857
I can't get in there any quicker
to interrupt you fucking barbarians

196
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:38,072
before you shout some shit out that's
gonna start a race riot in New York City.

197
00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:41,784
But you know what?
Fuck it. I need the publicity.

198
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,411
[laughter]

199
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:46,122
I need the press. Do it.

200
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:48,833
Do it. Start a race riot.

201
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:53,629
In this room, do it right now
and blame me.

202
00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:55,172
Blame me, tag me.

203
00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:57,675
Tag me in the fight video.

204
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:00,553
Blame me. Cancel me.

205
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:03,264
Cancel me.

206
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,809
Tell Twitter I told you to say the N-word.

207
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:07,893
[laughter]

208
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,311
Do it. Cancel me.

209
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:11,147
Cancel me.

210
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:17,445
If you really think
you have the ability to cancel me,

211
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:21,657
sitting in your underwear at home
on your fucking phone, do it.

212
00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:25,536
Cancel me. Cancel me.

213
00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:29,206
I left three countries
with free health care and no guns.

214
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,666
[laughter]

215
00:12:30,749 --> 00:12:31,834
[person] Whoo!

216
00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:38,883
I moved to America in 2015
already prepared to die.

217
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:40,509
[laughter]

218
00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:48,184
You think with MAGA idiots, Asian hate,
uncontrolled COVID,

219
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:51,187
Twitter people scare me?

220
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,856
Do it. Cancel me. Cancel me.

221
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:58,110
What are you gonna do? Cancel me
so I have to go back to Malaysia

222
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,905
where I'm a national hero?

223
00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:07,786
And the currency advantage
is very much in my favor?

224
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:12,875
[imitates crying]
Oh, no! How will I ever survive?

225
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:14,585
[normal] Do it. Do it.

226
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:17,254
Free me from this hell.

227
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:20,758
Do it. My mom lives
in Singapore right now.

228
00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:22,593
I haven't seen my mom in two years.

229
00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:24,428
Cancel me so I can see my mom.

230
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:25,513
[laughter]

231
00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:29,058
I keep getting acting jobs.
Cancel me so I can see my mom.

232
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:32,269
Everyone thinks that
because I'm on The Daily Show,

233
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:34,021
I'm here to save the world.

234
00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:36,398
No, I'm not here to save the world, man.

235
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:40,611
I'm here to talk shit,
make money and bounce! That is it.

236
00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:44,156
-That is it. Yes.
-[cheering, clapping]

237
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,703
Everyone's always asking me
to use my platform.

238
00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,872
"Ronny, use your platform.

239
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:56,043
Okay? You have a platform,
use your platform.

240
00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:03,342
Use your platform, Ronny.
You have a platform. Use it.

241
00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:07,846
Use your platform
to talk about Asian hate. Use it."

242
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:13,102
This is not the skill set
to talk about Asian hate, all right?

243
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:17,523
If you can come up with a way to make
hate crimes against Asian people funny,

244
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:20,359
be my guest, go make a joke about it.

245
00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:23,946
End your special with it.
Make it your closer.

246
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:25,865
Everyone's always asking me
to use my platform.

247
00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:29,577
"Ronny, use your platform
to spread awareness.

248
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:34,123
Spread it, spread awareness of vaccines.

249
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:39,587
Ronny, if you don't use your platform
to spread awareness of vaccines,

250
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:45,009
do you know anti-vaxxers
might not take the vaccine

251
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,637
and they could die?" [imitates crying]

252
00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:51,640
[normal] What am I missing?

253
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,184
[laughter]

254
00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:57,730
You're telling me
if I do absolutely nothing,

255
00:14:57,813 --> 00:14:59,857
I can make humanity better

256
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:03,402
in one to two generations?

257
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:10,784
I mean, the public-utility-to-effort ratio
on that graph is just out of control.

258
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,746
If you calculate efficiency
on that curve, at this point,

259
00:15:13,829 --> 00:15:17,541
it will be socially irresponsible for me
to tell people about vaccines.

260
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:18,876
[laughter]

261
00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:21,045
All right? Just mathematically speaking.

262
00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:27,051
Can you imagine? This is the first time
in American history.

263
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:32,264
It used to be a no-brainer
to come to America.

264
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:35,684
That's the level of prestige
America held internationally.

265
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,895
It was a dream to come to America.

266
00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:40,898
Whatever region of the world
you were from--

267
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:45,861
Asian countries, African countries,
white people countries--

268
00:15:47,237 --> 00:15:49,823
whatever your social economic status was.

269
00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:52,952
You could be a rich white Australian.

270
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:57,665
You hit the jackpot,
and if someone gave you a US green card,

271
00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,291
you'd take it in a heartbeat.

272
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:01,251
Even then, you'd still go.

273
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:04,838
Why wouldn't you go?
Why wouldn't you go to America?

274
00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:06,465
Why wouldn't you go?

275
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:08,425
Of course you'd go. Why wouldn't you go?

276
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:12,096
And for the first time
in American history, the question is:

277
00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:13,764
Why would you go?

278
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:14,848
[laughter]

279
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:16,350
Why would you go?

280
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:17,726
My mom in Singapore,

281
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,854
literally begging me
not to come back to America

282
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,648
at the peak of the pandemic.

283
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:25,109
She's like,
"Don't go. Ronny, don't go back.

284
00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:27,361
Don't go back to America, please.

285
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,196
What are you going back there for?

286
00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:31,031
Half the country has lost its mind,

287
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:34,368
the virus is raging out of control,

288
00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:38,706
major metropolitan areas
are literally on fire.

289
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:42,710
What are you going back there for?
Why? Why?"

290
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:47,589
And I had to tell my mom,
"Mom, you don't understand.

291
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:53,262
All right?
You don't see what I see when I'm here,

292
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:57,307
the highest ideals of this country,

293
00:16:57,391 --> 00:17:01,687
that America, despite all its flaws,

294
00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:05,607
this is still the country

295
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,611
where you can tell dick jokes
for $12 in New York City.

296
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:10,946
Do you understand?"

297
00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:16,076
This skill set is worthless in Singapore.

298
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:21,290
In Singapore, I told dick jokes all day.

299
00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:24,251
Nothing ever happened.

300
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:25,753
[laughter]

301
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:30,049
Here, we get in Marvel movies.

302
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,134
[cheering]

303
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:38,140
Did you hear me? I said Marvel movie!

304
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:42,644
Yes! Yes! Yes!

305
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:46,231
The chaos is worth it!

306
00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:50,486
Yeah, my mom lives in Singapore right now.

307
00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:55,407
It's very hard to explain
Singapore to Americans.

308
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:59,787
It's very hard to explain
any other country to Americans.

309
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:00,871
[laughter]

310
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:03,832
Because Americans
have no point of reference

311
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,918
for anywhere else on the planet, right?

312
00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:07,086
And fair enough too,

313
00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:12,257
because the only reason we knew
anything about America in Singapore

314
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,761
is because we grew up watching
a lot of American TV shows,

315
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:20,599
and that's how we formed a rough idea
of the cultural tapestry of the country,

316
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:23,185
albeit on a very shallow level.

317
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:24,436
But at least we understood--

318
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:28,315
Like, watching Seinfeld, we knew,
"Oh, Seinfeld is in New York.

319
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,984
There's Jewish people in New York.

320
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:36,031
There's stand-up comedy in New York.

321
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,450
What a thing to aspire to.
That's crazy. What is that?

322
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:41,161
You can just talk into a microphone
and people pay you money?

323
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:43,038
That's a job in America."

324
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:47,501
We knew Grey's Anatomy was in Seattle.

325
00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:51,630
Lots of people
fucking in hospitals in Seattle.

326
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:53,841
[person] Yeah!

327
00:18:53,924 --> 00:18:56,969
Yeah, maybe that's why
American health care is so bad.

328
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:02,474
'Cause people
won't stop fucking in hospitals.

329
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:06,270
We knew RoboCop was in Detroit.

330
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:10,149
There's some problems in Detroit.

331
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:11,608
[laughter]

332
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,652
But nobody's watching Singapore TV, right?

333
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:16,655
So no one knows what the fuck is happening
outside of America,

334
00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:19,491
'cause you don't watch
anyone else's shows.

335
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:24,121
So, whenever I bring up
another country to my American friends,

336
00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:29,376
my American friends will always bring up
the one fact they read one time

337
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,712
on the back of a Snapple cap,

338
00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:33,589
and they'll just throw it back at you

339
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:37,634
and they try to use it to paint
the entire history of your civilization

340
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:42,639
with whatever half-remembered,
back-of-the-brain-stem, regurgitated fact.

341
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:46,727
They can just flick it from this part
to this part as quickly as possible.

342
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:49,229
[babbles] Just spit it out.

343
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:52,441
When I tell my American friends
I grew up in Singapore,

344
00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:57,404
they're always like,
"Singapore? You grew up in Singapore?

345
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:01,158
They cane people in Singapore, right?

346
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:04,077
Like, in Singapore,
if you spit gum on the floor,

347
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:06,288
someone just runs up
immediately behind you

348
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:11,043
and just canes you in your ass. Right?"

349
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:12,961
And I'm like…

350
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,881
-"Yeah.
-[laughter]

351
00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:23,055
So, don't fucking do that shit.

352
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:28,185
What is it,
some kind of innate need of yours

353
00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:32,606
to visit other peoples' countries
and spit gum on the floor?

354
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:37,110
In which case,
please do not visit Singapore

355
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:41,240
because they will cane you
on your fucking face."

356
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,118
And some Americans are outraged by that.

357
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:50,415
The thought of grown men
being caned on the ass

358
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,125
for being a dick,

359
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,545
it's outrageous to them.

360
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:59,174
But what's funny is, you ask any American,
especially any New Yorker,

361
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:04,179
what they would do
if a guest came into their home

362
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,348
and spit gum on the floor.

363
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:10,477
They would be like,
"We would beat the fuck out of them."

364
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:14,523
I'm like,
"Yeah, that's what we do in Singapore.

365
00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:19,444
We just outsourced the ass-kicking
to the government.

366
00:21:20,737 --> 00:21:24,199
It becomes a more cost-efficient
punishment for everyone involved.

367
00:21:24,783 --> 00:21:26,368
It's why we pay our taxes."

368
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,748
Uh, yeah.

369
00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:35,877
I don't think women get enough credit
for taking the pill.

370
00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:38,505
-[audience] Yeah!
-They don't, man.

371
00:21:38,588 --> 00:21:41,591
Thank you, women, for taking the pill.

372
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:45,887
Even now, half the room is like,
"What the fuck are you talking about?"

373
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:49,016
Thank you for taking the pill.
No one ever gives you credit for it.

374
00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:53,020
Men barely appreciate the expense,

375
00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:58,025
the fucking military precision it takes
to keep the pill going.

376
00:21:58,108 --> 00:22:00,068
Yeah, sometimes across time zones.

377
00:22:01,028 --> 00:22:03,530
Alarms going off
at random times of the day.

378
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,116
Right? 3:00 a.m., 5:00 p.m.

379
00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:13,540
Wake you up, remind you to eat this thing
within a 30-minute window,

380
00:22:13,623 --> 00:22:16,418
otherwise you might
accidentally create human life.

381
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:19,504
-Like Zeus.
-[laughter]

382
00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:21,965
Men have no idea.

383
00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:23,175
Like, by the way, guys,

384
00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:25,844
you don't just walk into the pharmacy

385
00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:28,764
and buy the pill
like you're buying a Tic Tac.

386
00:22:29,473 --> 00:22:31,850
Like, next to the gum
just before you leave.

387
00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:33,894
"You want lemon-flavored?"

388
00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:37,105
Then you're good for one Olympic cycle.

389
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,191
No. Assuming you can get a prescription,

390
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:42,944
you have to try three different types
over the course of months

391
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:45,572
to see which one fucks you up the least.

392
00:22:45,655 --> 00:22:48,658
You'll literally performing
clinical trials in yourself,

393
00:22:48,742 --> 00:22:50,744
like you're trying to find
a COVID vaccine.

394
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:55,248
Your favorite flavor is the one that
causes the least amount of depression.

395
00:22:55,332 --> 00:22:56,833
No, men have no idea.

396
00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:58,251
[laughter]

397
00:22:58,335 --> 00:22:59,544
Yeah.

398
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:02,047
Even if there was a pill for men,

399
00:23:03,090 --> 00:23:05,342
you'd never trust a man to take the pill.

400
00:23:07,636 --> 00:23:11,431
If some dumbass man was like,
"Yo, don't worry.

401
00:23:12,849 --> 00:23:14,267
I'm on the pill,"

402
00:23:17,104 --> 00:23:19,106
you'd laugh in his face.

403
00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:23,735
You'd be like, "There's no fucking way
you're on the pill.

404
00:23:23,819 --> 00:23:27,405
At the very least, there is no way
you're doing it correctly,

405
00:23:28,406 --> 00:23:29,991
something that complicated.

406
00:23:30,075 --> 00:23:32,619
I don't even trust you
to take a shower every day.

407
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:37,165
So, put a condom on or put that dick away,
otherwise this isn't happening."

408
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:40,752
The variables that you have to be aware of
when you're on the pill

409
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,671
just so you don't fuck it up,

410
00:23:42,754 --> 00:23:45,507
like the external factors
you have to keep track of,

411
00:23:45,590 --> 00:23:48,510
like what you're eating,
just so you don't fuck up the pill.

412
00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:51,221
And by the way,
I don't even know enough about this.

413
00:23:51,304 --> 00:23:53,098
Okay, I'm not trying to mansplain this.

414
00:23:53,181 --> 00:23:57,102
I don't know what I'm talking about!
Google it after the show!

415
00:23:58,603 --> 00:24:02,190
All I know is what my wife told me
in passing, all right?

416
00:24:03,483 --> 00:24:08,864
But, apparently--
apparently, if you have diarrhea…

417
00:24:12,075 --> 00:24:15,453
Diarrhea can fuck up the pill.

418
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:20,500
That's right.
Scares happening in this room right now.

419
00:24:21,668 --> 00:24:24,504
Because diarrhea causes babies.

420
00:24:26,381 --> 00:24:28,758
'Cause, apparently, if you have diarrhea,

421
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:33,513
like, the-- the pill
can pass straight through you

422
00:24:34,472 --> 00:24:37,851
before your body
has time to absorb the hormones.

423
00:24:37,934 --> 00:24:41,354
So, diarrhea can fuck up the pill.

424
00:24:42,189 --> 00:24:44,482
That is the shittiest way to have a baby.

425
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:45,692
[laughter]

426
00:24:45,775 --> 00:24:49,362
All right? How many--
How many diarrhea babies…

427
00:24:51,072 --> 00:24:53,283
are in this room right now?

428
00:24:55,368 --> 00:24:56,536
We'll never know.

429
00:24:57,704 --> 00:25:00,665
We'll never know.

430
00:25:01,666 --> 00:25:03,543
We'll never know
because you wouldn't know,

431
00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:06,004
first of all,
if diarrhea caused your baby.

432
00:25:06,713 --> 00:25:09,382
Why would you know that?
That's not common knowledge.

433
00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:12,260
In fact, in my experience,
diarrhea stops babies…

434
00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:13,970
[laughter]

435
00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:17,307
…from being made, all right,
so it's counterintuitive.

436
00:25:18,725 --> 00:25:21,853
Second of all,
even if you manage to power through that…

437
00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:29,694
and you knew for a fact that diarrhea
caused your baby, like, directly,

438
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:33,114
why would you ever
pass that information on?

439
00:25:34,157 --> 00:25:35,951
Why would you tell anybody that?

440
00:25:36,993 --> 00:25:38,662
Much less your own child.

441
00:25:39,412 --> 00:25:42,999
Like, your kid is asking you,
"Hey, Daddy, where do babies come from?"

442
00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:46,294
[sighs] "Well…

443
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:49,756
uh, a man and woman fall in love,

444
00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:53,176
uh, the woman has some bad oysters,

445
00:25:54,427 --> 00:25:56,888
some evil stuff comes out of her butt,

446
00:25:56,972 --> 00:25:59,891
and you're a blessing,
is what I'm trying to say."

447
00:25:59,975 --> 00:26:01,393
[laughter]

448
00:26:02,978 --> 00:26:06,606
Just curious
which way this room leans politically.

449
00:26:07,232 --> 00:26:10,527
You guys left or right in this room?
I got jokes for both sides.

450
00:26:11,736 --> 00:26:13,905
At this point in the Netflix special,

451
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:17,200
I want there to be two boxes
that drop down.

452
00:26:18,076 --> 00:26:19,744
Like a Choose Your Own Adventure.

453
00:26:19,828 --> 00:26:22,622
[laughter]

454
00:26:22,706 --> 00:26:26,126
And you can pick which side
of the political spectrum you're on.

455
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,796
Right? And then no matter what you pick,

456
00:26:29,879 --> 00:26:32,173
it just goes to the same place. [chuckles]

457
00:26:36,594 --> 00:26:39,055
I think we have the technology
to do that. [laughs]

458
00:26:40,515 --> 00:26:42,058
Just a useless graphic.

459
00:26:42,142 --> 00:26:43,727
[babbles]

460
00:26:43,810 --> 00:26:45,603
It's a metaphor for the country.

461
00:26:46,479 --> 00:26:51,943
Ah, I know you guys are thinking:
"Ronny, stop with the politics, please.

462
00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:54,571
You keep talking about politics.
It's so stressful.

463
00:26:54,654 --> 00:26:58,033
We didn't come out tonight
and dress up, for once,

464
00:26:58,116 --> 00:27:00,827
to come out and talk about politics.

465
00:27:00,910 --> 00:27:03,538
Just move on.
It's making us very uncomfortable.

466
00:27:03,621 --> 00:27:07,250
Please, if we wanted to hear
about politics, we'd go on Twitter.

467
00:27:08,043 --> 00:27:09,836
This is not the place for it."

468
00:27:09,919 --> 00:27:12,380
I hear you, and I agree.

469
00:27:14,924 --> 00:27:16,968
I'm very pro-Brexit.

470
00:27:19,429 --> 00:27:21,765
Just hear me out here, all right?

471
00:27:22,515 --> 00:27:25,310
I love Brexit

472
00:27:26,186 --> 00:27:29,981
because I hate the United Kingdom
and I hope Brexit destroys that country.

473
00:27:30,065 --> 00:27:31,649
[laughter, scattered cheers]

474
00:27:31,733 --> 00:27:32,734
Yeah.

475
00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:38,365
And that's not racist
because the United Kingdom is not a race.

476
00:27:39,783 --> 00:27:43,578
I used to love the UK, man.
I used to love the UK.

477
00:27:43,661 --> 00:27:45,997
UK is "United Kingdom," for Americans.

478
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:47,999
[laughter]

479
00:27:48,708 --> 00:27:51,669
If you grew up
in a former British colony like I did--

480
00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:53,546
Singapore, Malaysia, Australia--

481
00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:56,591
we put the British on a pedestal.

482
00:27:56,674 --> 00:27:58,468
We thought they were awesome.

483
00:27:58,551 --> 00:28:01,596
I mean, technically,
America is also a former British colony,

484
00:28:01,679 --> 00:28:05,266
but you guys are too cool for school,
so you're not part of the Commonwealth,

485
00:28:05,350 --> 00:28:09,562
I get it. I'm just saying, if you come
from a real British colony like I did,

486
00:28:09,646 --> 00:28:11,815
we thought the British were the shit.

487
00:28:11,898 --> 00:28:13,691
We were like,
"Oh, my God, they're amazing."

488
00:28:13,775 --> 00:28:17,195
Everything they did
was the best way to do that.

489
00:28:17,278 --> 00:28:22,575
Every institution they installed
endures till today.

490
00:28:22,659 --> 00:28:26,162
In Singapore, we still use it
because we thought it was so efficient.

491
00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:29,916
Like in Singapore, we still use
the British system of government:

492
00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:32,043
the Westminster parliamentary system,

493
00:28:32,127 --> 00:28:36,047
probably the best expression
of Western democracy ever invented--

494
00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:37,173
ever implemented--

495
00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:40,718
Okay, it's not perfect,
but at least you have options, right?

496
00:28:40,802 --> 00:28:42,637
You can be gay and like guns.

497
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:44,347
[laughter]

498
00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:46,808
It's not this binary shit all the time.

499
00:28:47,726 --> 00:28:52,105
Like in Singapore, we still use
the British education system in Singapore.

500
00:28:52,188 --> 00:28:54,983
When you leave high school in Singapore,
you do the exam,

501
00:28:55,066 --> 00:28:58,820
the University of Cambridge O Levels.

502
00:28:58,903 --> 00:29:04,492
We do it in Singapore.
We mail the exam to Cambridge University.

503
00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:09,873
"Cambridge, please tell us. Are we
smart enough to leave high school, please?

504
00:29:09,956 --> 00:29:11,833
We don't give a fuck
what anyone else thinks.

505
00:29:11,916 --> 00:29:14,502
What do you think? British people,
tell us, are we smart enough?"

506
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:17,464
The University of Cambridge will mark
the exam and they'll mail it back.

507
00:29:17,547 --> 00:29:19,549
They'll be like,
"Yeah, you're smart, you're smart.

508
00:29:19,632 --> 00:29:21,926
You're fucking dumb. Go fuck yourself."

509
00:29:22,010 --> 00:29:23,011
Yeah!

510
00:29:23,094 --> 00:29:25,263
And then we'll be like,
"Thank you. Thank you, British.

511
00:29:25,346 --> 00:29:26,890
Thank you for telling us."

512
00:29:27,724 --> 00:29:32,854
In Singapore, we still use
the British electrical system.

513
00:29:32,937 --> 00:29:36,149
In Singapore, we still use
the British three-pin plug,

514
00:29:36,232 --> 00:29:40,153
that three-pin, solid, chunky plug

515
00:29:40,236 --> 00:29:43,323
with three solid pins sticking out.

516
00:29:43,406 --> 00:29:45,658
You stick it in the wall,
it's never coming out.

517
00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:48,703
Yeah, not that stupid American two-prong.

518
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:52,582
You stick it in, it falls out
of its own weight like a limp dick, right?

519
00:29:52,665 --> 00:29:54,667
[whimpering]

520
00:29:57,086 --> 00:30:00,590
"Thomas Edison." [whimpering continues]

521
00:30:00,673 --> 00:30:03,885
No, man.
We use that solid British three-pin.

522
00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:07,931
Conquered half the world
with this imperial engineering, right?

523
00:30:08,014 --> 00:30:10,225
You stick in the wall,
it's never coming out.

524
00:30:10,308 --> 00:30:12,977
You trip over it,
your whole wall comes down instead.

525
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:20,109
In Singapore, we still watch
British comedy culture.

526
00:30:20,860 --> 00:30:24,197
It's the dominant comedy culture
in Singapore. Mr. Bean.

527
00:30:25,782 --> 00:30:31,037
Mr. Fucking Bean
is the biggest comedian in Southeast Asia.

528
00:30:31,955 --> 00:30:33,498
In Southeast Asia, there's no--

529
00:30:33,581 --> 00:30:36,543
In Singapore and Malaysia,
there's no Chappelle,

530
00:30:36,626 --> 00:30:38,837
there's no Chris Rock,
there's no Seinfeld.

531
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:40,171
It's Mr. Bean.

532
00:30:41,422 --> 00:30:44,634
Mr. Bean
was the greatest comedian of all time,

533
00:30:44,717 --> 00:30:46,427
with his stupid fucking face.

534
00:30:51,474 --> 00:30:53,685
The greatest-- The greatest comedian.

535
00:30:57,647 --> 00:30:58,731
Fuck that guy.

536
00:30:58,815 --> 00:31:00,024
[laughter]

537
00:31:00,108 --> 00:31:03,278
Fuck it. Not to mention the fact
that he fucked my friend's girlfriend.

538
00:31:04,153 --> 00:31:06,322
But, yeah, if you wanna hear that story,

539
00:31:06,406 --> 00:31:11,995
just google James Acaster on Vimeo.

540
00:31:12,078 --> 00:31:16,624
He's my friend and a comic,
and he talks about that story very openly.

541
00:31:17,876 --> 00:31:20,044
It's not really my story to tell,

542
00:31:20,128 --> 00:31:25,091
so let me plug his special a little bit
in my special. [laughs]

543
00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:28,344
But I know what you're thinking.

544
00:31:29,512 --> 00:31:33,224
"What would it be like to fuck Mr. Bean?"

545
00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:35,143
[laughter]

546
00:31:36,519 --> 00:31:39,522
And I can't say for certain,

547
00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:43,401
but I imagine
it would be something like this.

548
00:31:43,484 --> 00:31:45,486
[babbles]

549
00:31:48,114 --> 00:31:50,575
And that's not even the reason
why I hate the UK.

550
00:31:51,993 --> 00:31:57,999
I hate the UK because when I was
three years into stand-up comedy,

551
00:31:58,082 --> 00:32:01,085
I got invited
to the Soho Theatre in London

552
00:32:01,169 --> 00:32:03,421
to do a one-hour comedy show.

553
00:32:03,504 --> 00:32:06,424
It was a big deal at the time.
It's a very prestigious venue.

554
00:32:06,507 --> 00:32:07,926
The Soho Theatre in London

555
00:32:08,009 --> 00:32:11,137
is like the piazza of
the British comedy community.

556
00:32:11,220 --> 00:32:14,432
It's the gatekeeper
of what's cool and what's not cool

557
00:32:14,515 --> 00:32:16,392
in the British comedy establishment.

558
00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:20,104
And getting invited there was cool,
especially coming from Southeast Asia,

559
00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:24,692
where it's like nothing you do in English
in Southeast Asia is worth a damn

560
00:32:24,776 --> 00:32:28,446
unless white people cosign it,
and this was the ultimate cosign.

561
00:32:28,529 --> 00:32:32,367
It was like, "Oh, my God, the English
are asking you to perform comedy

562
00:32:32,450 --> 00:32:35,828
in English to the people
who invented the language?

563
00:32:35,912 --> 00:32:39,540
It's out of control. You got to go.
Go, the motherland is calling you."

564
00:32:39,624 --> 00:32:41,417
I was like, "Fuck yeah.
Of course, I'll go."

565
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:44,212
I was excited to prove myself
on the international stage,

566
00:32:44,295 --> 00:32:47,340
so I gathered together
all the material I had.

567
00:32:47,423 --> 00:32:51,094
I cobbled it together
into barely, like, an hour worth of stuff,

568
00:32:51,177 --> 00:32:52,804
whatever I'd written to that point.

569
00:32:52,887 --> 00:32:57,433
Um, I put it in a suitcase
and I went to London like Paddington Bear.

570
00:32:57,517 --> 00:32:58,518
Right?

571
00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:04,983
And I got there and I got a two-week run

572
00:33:05,066 --> 00:33:07,026
at the Soho Theatre in London.

573
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:10,113
My first time in London,
first time performing in London.

574
00:33:10,196 --> 00:33:14,242
I remember opening night
of my two-week run.

575
00:33:14,325 --> 00:33:19,330
I was two-thirds into the show,
and the show was going okay.

576
00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:22,000
Uh, the energy
was much like it is right now.

577
00:33:22,625 --> 00:33:25,253
Just fucking,
"Where is this going right here?"

578
00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:30,425
And I did this joke about how--

579
00:33:31,217 --> 00:33:33,177
It's from
my first five minutes of comedy--

580
00:33:33,261 --> 00:33:34,971
It was a joke about how

581
00:33:35,054 --> 00:33:38,725
Asian parents love their kids
more than white people parents.

582
00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:41,728
So the joke was something like:

583
00:33:41,811 --> 00:33:45,690
"People always ask me what my parents
think about me doing stand-up comedy,

584
00:33:45,773 --> 00:33:48,234
but you never ask
these other white comedians that question

585
00:33:48,317 --> 00:33:50,695
because you know their parents
don't give a fuck about them."

586
00:33:52,947 --> 00:33:55,783
So, I did that joke in London,

587
00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:59,537
and some people laughed
and some people didn't laugh,

588
00:33:59,620 --> 00:34:00,872
just like in this room.

589
00:34:00,955 --> 00:34:02,832
[laughter]

590
00:34:02,915 --> 00:34:04,751
But that's what it is, though.

591
00:34:04,834 --> 00:34:08,337
That's the ups and downs of comedy, right?
That's what you do.

592
00:34:08,421 --> 00:34:10,757
You build it up
and then you pull the rug out

593
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:13,801
by saying something outrageous
just to break the tension.

594
00:34:13,885 --> 00:34:16,429
That's the only way I know how to do it.
That's 101.

595
00:34:16,512 --> 00:34:19,348
So I did that bit. Some people laughed
and some people didn't laugh.

596
00:34:19,432 --> 00:34:21,809
And then we just moved on
to the next bit, right?

597
00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:23,853
But before I could move on,

598
00:34:24,520 --> 00:34:27,148
this old British person

599
00:34:27,231 --> 00:34:29,942
in the second row of the Soho Theatre

600
00:34:30,026 --> 00:34:32,862
stood up and started yelling.

601
00:34:32,945 --> 00:34:36,616
And I don't want to gender this person.

602
00:34:36,699 --> 00:34:41,496
But just imagine an old British person
complaining during a show,

603
00:34:41,579 --> 00:34:44,457
and what gender do you see? Right?

604
00:34:45,208 --> 00:34:46,626
So anyway he stood up…

605
00:34:46,709 --> 00:34:48,461
[laughter]

606
00:34:48,544 --> 00:34:52,090
…and he said,
"Fuck you, my parents loved me!"

607
00:34:53,257 --> 00:34:56,427
And I was like, "What?"
And he goes, "My parents loved me, man.

608
00:34:56,511 --> 00:34:57,970
And we invented universities

609
00:34:58,054 --> 00:35:00,723
and we invented
the Westminster parliamentary system."

610
00:35:01,307 --> 00:35:04,852
And he started going on like
a Western civilization open mic, right?

611
00:35:04,936 --> 00:35:05,937
[laughter]

612
00:35:06,020 --> 00:35:08,439
And I was like,
"Oh. Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

613
00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:11,567
No, sir. That-- That joke
wasn't about you at all.

614
00:35:11,651 --> 00:35:14,570
Don't take it personally.
That wasn't about you and your parents.

615
00:35:14,654 --> 00:35:18,074
If anything, it's about me and my parents
and how society views us.

616
00:35:18,157 --> 00:35:21,661
So don't take that personally.
That wasn't about you at all. Please."

617
00:35:21,744 --> 00:35:25,164
And he just wouldn't let it go, saying,
"Fuck you, my parents loved me."

618
00:35:25,248 --> 00:35:29,335
And we argued for two minutes
about whether his parents loved him.

619
00:35:30,586 --> 00:35:32,505
And I knew what that energy was.

620
00:35:32,588 --> 00:35:35,675
I felt that energy growing up.
It's very familiar.

621
00:35:35,758 --> 00:35:40,054
It's the British expat in Asia.
"Don't tell us we suck,

622
00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:43,099
we used to own your region,
live without consequences

623
00:35:43,182 --> 00:35:45,726
because we have exit strategy" energy.

624
00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:48,187
And so I just went, "You know what, man?

625
00:35:48,771 --> 00:35:52,567
Like, we're two-thirds
into my show right now.

626
00:35:52,650 --> 00:35:55,194
We've been arguing about
whether your parents loved you

627
00:35:55,278 --> 00:35:59,740
for two minutes,
which is an eternity in a live show.

628
00:36:00,366 --> 00:36:04,203
I don't think I'm going to convince you
that I'm a good comedian.

629
00:36:04,287 --> 00:36:06,330
Maybe you should just go."

630
00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:12,545
And he said, "I paid £10 to be here.
I'm not fucking going anywhere."

631
00:36:13,421 --> 00:36:17,508
Which is a very unusual stance
to take at a comedy show.

632
00:36:17,592 --> 00:36:19,927
[laughter]

633
00:36:20,011 --> 00:36:26,767
And so I just said,
"Well, okay, I'll pay you £20 to leave."

634
00:36:27,685 --> 00:36:29,145
And so I did.

635
00:36:30,313 --> 00:36:31,564
And he left.

636
00:36:33,649 --> 00:36:36,027
And that's a terrible business model
for comedy, by the way.

637
00:36:36,110 --> 00:36:38,196
That will-- That will never happen again.

638
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:42,033
No refunds ever-- ever again.
I don't give a fuck what happens tonight.

639
00:36:42,116 --> 00:36:44,827
Your money is already mine.
Do you understand?

640
00:36:44,911 --> 00:36:46,996
I don't care.
You can storm the stage if you want.

641
00:36:47,079 --> 00:36:48,831
I'll have an early night, all right?

642
00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:53,586
You decide how long you want the show to
go for, 'cause your money is already mine.

643
00:36:54,962 --> 00:36:58,299
And all that actually happened.
He stood up, he yelled at me,

644
00:36:58,382 --> 00:37:00,551
I paid him £20 and then he left.

645
00:37:00,635 --> 00:37:02,887
And that's not even the reason
why I hate the UK.

646
00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:06,599
I have conservative parents.

647
00:37:06,682 --> 00:37:11,395
I was taught if something goes wrong,
blame yourself forever.

648
00:37:11,479 --> 00:37:12,521
[laughter]

649
00:37:12,605 --> 00:37:14,941
And I'm like,
"Yeah, I can get behind that.

650
00:37:15,024 --> 00:37:17,151
I subscribed to that YouTube channel.

651
00:37:17,235 --> 00:37:19,445
Let's do this.
Let's take some personal responsibility.

652
00:37:19,528 --> 00:37:23,532
I gotta get better. I will get better.
I gotta get better jokes.

653
00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:26,953
I gotta get better at dealing with people.
I'll come back.

654
00:37:27,036 --> 00:37:30,164
I'll come back
and I'll win these motherfuckers over.

655
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:33,542
I'll come back
and I'll be undeniable to the British."

656
00:37:33,626 --> 00:37:37,255
And so, for the next two years,
I worked on my next hour of comedy, right?

657
00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:41,092
I tried to make it
more universal, less parochial,

658
00:37:41,175 --> 00:37:42,969
more whimsical, right?

659
00:37:43,052 --> 00:37:45,304
More of this shit. [babbles]

660
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:50,184
With a teddy bear or whatever the fuck
I thought they wanted.

661
00:37:50,268 --> 00:37:52,395
Just pandering the shit out of it.

662
00:37:52,478 --> 00:37:55,940
And two years later,
I got invited back to the Soho Theatre

663
00:37:56,023 --> 00:37:59,193
for another two-week run,
and I was raring to go.

664
00:37:59,277 --> 00:38:03,114
I was like, "Fuck yeah." Excited to go.
I was like Rocky after the montage, right?

665
00:38:03,197 --> 00:38:06,492
"You killed my Black friend.
I'm here to kill you now. Let's do this."

666
00:38:06,575 --> 00:38:09,245
I'm really bad with analogies,
but you know what I'm trying to say.

667
00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:11,414
So I got invited back.

668
00:38:11,497 --> 00:38:17,128
I remember opening night of my second
two-week run at the Soho Theatre.

669
00:38:17,211 --> 00:38:23,050
I was three-quarters into the show
and I did this joke about how--

670
00:38:23,134 --> 00:38:25,428
And keep in mind
what I'm about to tell you

671
00:38:25,511 --> 00:38:30,016
is a joke from a much younger person
and a much more inexperienced comedian.

672
00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:33,436
Okay? So if it helps you process this,

673
00:38:33,519 --> 00:38:38,566
just view what I'm about to say
as being in quotes.

674
00:38:38,649 --> 00:38:42,236
Okay? I am not actually
doing this joke right now.

675
00:38:43,279 --> 00:38:49,160
I am quoting another comedian
who did this joke in London in 2012.

676
00:38:50,369 --> 00:38:53,164
That other comedian
just happens to be me. All right?

677
00:38:53,247 --> 00:38:54,290
[laughter]

678
00:38:54,373 --> 00:38:57,460
Also, I was a lot younger
and more inexperienced

679
00:38:57,543 --> 00:39:01,130
and my crowd was also a lot younger
back then, okay?

680
00:39:01,213 --> 00:39:05,843
It wasn't this divorcée,
babysitter crowd, all right?

681
00:39:05,926 --> 00:39:08,054
-[laughter]
-I don't know what happened.

682
00:39:08,137 --> 00:39:10,598
My audience has aged horribly with me.

683
00:39:11,766 --> 00:39:13,601
I can't explain it either,
but here we are,

684
00:39:13,684 --> 00:39:16,187
so let's just try
to make the most of this.

685
00:39:16,270 --> 00:39:19,190
Um, so view what I'm about to say
through that lens.

686
00:39:19,273 --> 00:39:21,150
Younger comic,
younger audience, all right?

687
00:39:21,233 --> 00:39:24,362
Or come cancel me,
I don't actually care anymore.

688
00:39:24,445 --> 00:39:26,447
So I did this joke about how--

689
00:39:26,530 --> 00:39:27,573
It started with:

690
00:39:27,656 --> 00:39:30,201
When I was in high school,
I was really awkward around girls.

691
00:39:30,284 --> 00:39:33,913
If I had a crush on a girl
and she didn't like me back immediately,

692
00:39:33,996 --> 00:39:37,666
I took that as a sign that
I needed to try harder to win her over,

693
00:39:37,750 --> 00:39:40,586
so I tried to show her my sincerity
by buying her flowers.

694
00:39:40,669 --> 00:39:42,713
I'd buy her chocolates.
I'd give it to her in class.

695
00:39:42,797 --> 00:39:45,966
I'd hand-draw comics where
the ending was we got together, right?

696
00:39:46,050 --> 00:39:47,885
Just horribly embarrassing shit

697
00:39:47,968 --> 00:39:51,806
that I still scream about in bed
17 years later, right?

698
00:39:51,889 --> 00:39:56,685
And, like most guys that age,
I didn't know how to control my emotions

699
00:39:56,769 --> 00:39:59,814
and guys are already
base-level dumb, right?

700
00:39:59,897 --> 00:40:02,733
Then you add hormones on that.
That's just like dumb on dumb.

701
00:40:02,817 --> 00:40:05,528
You start going down that spiral
that most guys go down,

702
00:40:05,611 --> 00:40:08,531
which is, you try to analyze
how to get girls to like you.

703
00:40:08,614 --> 00:40:11,200
You start trying to break it down
like math.

704
00:40:11,283 --> 00:40:13,786
And you're like,
"Okay, you-- you gotta be a bad boy.

705
00:40:13,869 --> 00:40:16,080
They don't like nice guys."
Blah, blah, blah.

706
00:40:16,163 --> 00:40:21,502
And it took me so long to realize
the secret about women,

707
00:40:21,585 --> 00:40:26,465
which is that, if you like a girl
and she doesn't like you back,

708
00:40:26,549 --> 00:40:31,637
all you have to remember
is that women don't owe you anything.

709
00:40:32,304 --> 00:40:35,433
That's what it is.
Women don't owe you anything.

710
00:40:35,516 --> 00:40:38,436
-[person] Yeah!
-Yeah, so guys get hung up.

711
00:40:38,519 --> 00:40:41,856
Some guys get hung up and they're like,
"Yeah, but I bought her flowers.

712
00:40:42,481 --> 00:40:44,150
Why didn't she want to fuck me?"

713
00:40:44,233 --> 00:40:46,485
Because they don't owe you anything.

714
00:40:46,569 --> 00:40:49,280
"Yeah, but I spent the weekend
fixing her computer.

715
00:40:49,947 --> 00:40:51,532
Why doesn't she want to suck my dick?"

716
00:40:51,615 --> 00:40:54,285
Because they don't owe you anything.
Get it in your head.

717
00:40:54,368 --> 00:40:57,872
Women don't owe you anything.
It doesn't matter what you do.

718
00:40:57,955 --> 00:40:59,748
That's on you.
Whatever you do, that's on you.

719
00:40:59,832 --> 00:41:02,460
Don't put that on them.
That's your shit, right?

720
00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:06,297
Women aren't just vending machines
you put kindness into until sex falls out.

721
00:41:07,882 --> 00:41:10,217
Okay? They don't owe you anything.

722
00:41:10,301 --> 00:41:12,094
Women aren't just like coffee cards

723
00:41:12,178 --> 00:41:15,055
where you get ten stamps
and then you fuck, all right?

724
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:17,099
They don't owe you anything.
Get it in your head.

725
00:41:17,183 --> 00:41:18,476
They don't owe you anything.

726
00:41:18,559 --> 00:41:22,062
Anything you do, that's on you.
That's your shit. Figure it out.

727
00:41:22,938 --> 00:41:26,108
And so, if you're a guy
and you like a girl

728
00:41:26,192 --> 00:41:28,319
and she doesn't like you back, okay--

729
00:41:28,402 --> 00:41:30,404
And keep in mind,
I'm still in quotes here.

730
00:41:30,488 --> 00:41:32,406
[laughter]

731
00:41:32,490 --> 00:41:35,951
You take all the energy
that you're wasting externally

732
00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:39,497
on buying flowers and chocolates
and hand-drawing comics--

733
00:41:39,580 --> 00:41:41,290
Okay, you cut that shit out.

734
00:41:41,373 --> 00:41:44,752
And you direct that energy back inwards.
Focus on yourself.

735
00:41:45,419 --> 00:41:48,088
Make yourself a better person every day.
That's your goal.

736
00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:51,217
Make yourself a better person today
than you were yesterday,

737
00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:54,094
even if it's just 0.5%, right?

738
00:41:54,178 --> 00:41:57,097
And the marginal gains
will add up and they'll add up.

739
00:41:57,181 --> 00:42:01,602
And as a man,
your value will increase with age, right?

740
00:42:01,685 --> 00:42:04,021
And as a woman,
their value will decrease with age.

741
00:42:04,104 --> 00:42:07,316
And when that line exceeds that line
and Y equals MX plus C,

742
00:42:07,399 --> 00:42:09,026
you get all that shit back, okay?

743
00:42:09,109 --> 00:42:12,238
You play the long game
and you wait these motherfuckers out.

744
00:42:12,321 --> 00:42:13,864
[laughter]

745
00:42:13,948 --> 00:42:15,658
Because time is on your side.

746
00:42:18,494 --> 00:42:20,246
So anyway, I did that joke,

747
00:42:20,329 --> 00:42:23,499
and, uh, some people laughed
and some people didn't laugh,

748
00:42:23,582 --> 00:42:25,668
-just like in this room, right?
-[laughter]

749
00:42:25,751 --> 00:42:28,921
But that's what it is, though.
That's the ups and downs of comedy.

750
00:42:29,004 --> 00:42:30,589
I don't know how else to do it.

751
00:42:30,673 --> 00:42:32,800
You build it up
and then you pull the rug out.

752
00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:35,886
I don't know how else to do it. [chuckles]

753
00:42:35,970 --> 00:42:39,557
So I did that bit and, um--
oh, I didn't even get to the punch line.

754
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:41,392
I got as far as the setup.

755
00:42:41,475 --> 00:42:43,936
So, in my second two-week run

756
00:42:44,019 --> 00:42:46,564
at the Soho Theatre in London,
opening night,

757
00:42:46,647 --> 00:42:49,567
three-quarters into the show,
I get as far as:

758
00:42:49,650 --> 00:42:51,986
"When I was in high school,
I was awkward around girls.

759
00:42:52,069 --> 00:42:54,530
If I had a crush on a girl
and she didn't like me back immediately,

760
00:42:54,613 --> 00:42:57,283
I took that as a sign
I needed to try harder to win her over,

761
00:42:57,366 --> 00:42:59,201
so I'd buy her flowers,
I'd buy her chocolates,

762
00:42:59,285 --> 00:43:02,663
I'd hand-draw comics where we got together
just to show her my sincerity."

763
00:43:02,746 --> 00:43:04,915
And at this point in the setup,

764
00:43:04,999 --> 00:43:08,752
this young British person
sitting in the same place

765
00:43:08,836 --> 00:43:11,630
the old British person was
two years earlier.

766
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:14,925
This person stood up and started yelling.

767
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,803
And I don't want to gender this person.

768
00:43:18,470 --> 00:43:22,808
But just imagine a young British person
complaining in the middle of a show,

769
00:43:22,891 --> 00:43:24,560
and who do you see in your head?

770
00:43:25,477 --> 00:43:27,062
Right, so anyway, she stood up…

771
00:43:28,272 --> 00:43:32,276
and she said, "I'm sick of men
making excuses for sexual assault.

772
00:43:32,359 --> 00:43:34,945
What you're saying
is perpetuating rape culture.

773
00:43:35,029 --> 00:43:36,322
Hormones are no excuse."

774
00:43:36,405 --> 00:43:38,741
And I was like, "Whoa. Whoa!
Whoa, no, no, no.

775
00:43:38,824 --> 00:43:42,077
This isn't a story about rape.
I promise you, this isn't a rape story.

776
00:43:42,161 --> 00:43:44,788
This is a story about
awkward, unrequited teenage love.

777
00:43:45,664 --> 00:43:48,125
Yeah, and I'm on your side.
I'm on your side, by the way.

778
00:43:48,208 --> 00:43:50,544
I say 50 times,
'Women don't owe you anything.'

779
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:53,297
I'm on your side. You just gotta let me
turn the corner on this

780
00:43:53,380 --> 00:43:54,840
because this is a comedy show.

781
00:43:54,923 --> 00:43:56,925
You got to let me turn the corner on this

782
00:43:57,009 --> 00:43:59,470
and I've got a Shakespearean quote
about women and vending machines.

783
00:43:59,553 --> 00:44:01,388
You're going to love it. I promise you.

784
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:06,268
I-- I promise you,
you're gonna get behind me on this one.

785
00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:08,354
Just let me turn the corner on this.

786
00:44:08,437 --> 00:44:10,230
And, yeah, okay,
maybe you'll hate the ending.

787
00:44:10,314 --> 00:44:12,566
But that's what it is.
It's the ups and downs of comedy.

788
00:44:12,650 --> 00:44:15,277
Some stuff you don't like,
but you're gonna like the whole package.

789
00:44:15,361 --> 00:44:17,196
I promise you, I'm on your side."

790
00:44:17,279 --> 00:44:19,281
And she just wouldn't let me continue.

791
00:44:19,365 --> 00:44:23,160
She just kept accusing me
of perpetuating rape culture.

792
00:44:23,243 --> 00:44:26,038
So finally I just said,
"Well, you know what?

793
00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:29,875
We're three-quarters
into the show right now.

794
00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:33,504
We've been arguing about rape
for two minutes.

795
00:44:33,587 --> 00:44:36,882
I don't think I'm gonna convince you
that I'm not a piece of shit.

796
00:44:37,675 --> 00:44:39,051
Maybe you should just go."

797
00:44:39,802 --> 00:44:45,265
And she said, "Well, I paid £10 to
be here. I'm not fucking going anywhere."

798
00:44:45,349 --> 00:44:48,018
Because my ticket prices
hadn't increased in two years.

799
00:44:48,102 --> 00:44:50,104
[laughter]

800
00:44:51,980 --> 00:44:55,275
So I just said, "Well, I'll pay you

801
00:44:56,110 --> 00:44:58,904
£10 to leave."

802
00:44:59,863 --> 00:45:00,989
And so I did.

803
00:45:02,616 --> 00:45:03,700
And she left.

804
00:45:06,203 --> 00:45:08,914
And that's why women get paid
less than men per hour.

805
00:45:12,418 --> 00:45:16,255
Because they don't know
how to push the advantage

806
00:45:17,131 --> 00:45:19,842
in business negotiations…

807
00:45:22,428 --> 00:45:26,181
is what I would say
if I was a terrible person.

808
00:45:27,599 --> 00:45:30,727
But I'm not,
so obviously, I didn't say that.

809
00:45:30,811 --> 00:45:34,773
That'd be a horrible thing to even think,
much less say out loud.

810
00:45:34,857 --> 00:45:36,275
Who the fuck would do that?

811
00:45:36,358 --> 00:45:37,359
[laughter]

812
00:45:37,443 --> 00:45:41,530
But that's what it is, though.
That's the ups and downs of comedy.

813
00:45:41,613 --> 00:45:44,116
You build it up
and then you fucking pull the rug out.

814
00:45:44,199 --> 00:45:48,120
I don't know why it works. It just does.
I don't know why it's okay.

815
00:45:48,203 --> 00:45:51,707
Maybe it's because we're all sharing
the same space and time together,

816
00:45:51,790 --> 00:45:54,001
the same moment,
so we get what's going on.

817
00:45:54,084 --> 00:45:55,335
Maybe it's not okay.

818
00:45:56,253 --> 00:45:57,504
I don't know.

819
00:45:57,588 --> 00:46:00,674
It's also not my job to teach you
how to fucking do comedy, all right?

820
00:46:00,757 --> 00:46:03,093
If you wanna find out how to do this,
do an open mic

821
00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:05,929
multiple times a night for the next decade
and you come and tell me.

822
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,764
If you think there's no artistry to this,

823
00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:09,808
if you think
it's just about saying offensive shit

824
00:46:09,892 --> 00:46:12,519
or never saying anything offensive ever,
then you fucking go do it.

825
00:46:12,603 --> 00:46:13,687
You do it and you tell me.

826
00:46:13,770 --> 00:46:15,856
And that's not even the reason
why I hate the UK.

827
00:46:19,359 --> 00:46:23,363
I hate the UK just because
of their attitude towards comedy.

828
00:46:23,447 --> 00:46:24,823
It's just so snobbish.

829
00:46:24,907 --> 00:46:27,826
It's so snobbish.
I love doing comedy in America.

830
00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:31,455
It's the best. What a joy.
What a joy to do comedy in America.

831
00:46:31,538 --> 00:46:33,457
-It's the best.
-[person] Yeah!

832
00:46:33,540 --> 00:46:34,791
It's the best.

833
00:46:35,667 --> 00:46:38,545
It is. It makes sense
that comedy was invented here.

834
00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:41,173
Of course you guys invented this.
It's crazy, right?

835
00:46:41,256 --> 00:46:43,258
There's a real spirit
of innovation here, right?

836
00:46:43,342 --> 00:46:46,094
It's the same energy that allows you
to innovate to the point

837
00:46:46,178 --> 00:46:49,056
-where you get the iPhone 13 Max Pro.
-[person] Yeah!

838
00:46:49,139 --> 00:46:52,434
Is the 12 okay? 12 is amazing.
But fuck it, keep going.

839
00:46:52,518 --> 00:46:55,020
Come on. We can put
some more lenses on this thing.

840
00:46:55,103 --> 00:46:57,397
There's still some more surface area.
Come on.

841
00:46:57,481 --> 00:46:59,816
It's the same energy
that allows you to create

842
00:46:59,900 --> 00:47:03,320
a miracle mRNA vaccine in under a year…

843
00:47:03,403 --> 00:47:05,405
-[cheering, whooping]
-Yeah.

844
00:47:07,449 --> 00:47:10,744
…that works, and then refuse to take it.

845
00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:13,789
That is the most American shit ever.

846
00:47:13,872 --> 00:47:15,165
America is like,

847
00:47:16,124 --> 00:47:20,504
"The whole world is in trouble.
Let's use everything we've ever learned,

848
00:47:20,587 --> 00:47:23,632
our entire knowledge base,
every resource at our disposal,

849
00:47:23,715 --> 00:47:25,342
every immigrant who ever got a PhD,

850
00:47:25,425 --> 00:47:28,762
every local-born PhD student,
let's combine forces

851
00:47:28,845 --> 00:47:33,016
and create this miracle mRNA vaccine
in under a year.

852
00:47:33,100 --> 00:47:36,270
We did it, and it fucking works.
And fuck you! We're not gonna take it!

853
00:47:36,353 --> 00:47:39,856
Fuck you! We're not taking that shit.
We're not taking that.

854
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:41,733
You take it. We're not taking it.
You take it.

855
00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:44,111
Oh, what? Oh, what?
You want it? Oh, you want it?

856
00:47:44,194 --> 00:47:46,947
Well, fuck that.
We're not gonna give it to you.

857
00:47:47,030 --> 00:47:49,741
We'd rather throw it in the river.
We'd rather throw it in the river.

858
00:47:49,825 --> 00:47:52,661
Go suck it up from a river.
Suck it. Suck my dick.

859
00:47:52,744 --> 00:47:55,163
Fuck you and fuck us.
Fuck you and fuck us.

860
00:47:55,247 --> 00:47:56,498
Oh, what? What? Does it work?

861
00:47:56,582 --> 00:47:59,668
Oh, my God, it works like a charm.
There's like a 90% efficacy.

862
00:47:59,751 --> 00:48:02,546
It blows all simulations out of the water,
but fuck that shit.

863
00:48:02,629 --> 00:48:05,382
We're not taking it.
Fuck you and fuck us."

864
00:48:05,465 --> 00:48:07,759
That is the most American shit ever.

865
00:48:08,635 --> 00:48:10,012
[laughs]

866
00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:19,396
I love doing comedy in America.
It's the best. It's the best, man.

867
00:48:19,479 --> 00:48:21,940
It's the best. We all get it.
We all get comedy in America.

868
00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:24,651
We get the rhythm of it, right?
More or less.

869
00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:26,445
We come down to a dark room.

870
00:48:26,528 --> 00:48:29,364
We bring some friends.
We have some drinks.

871
00:48:30,365 --> 00:48:32,909
Have some food, maybe. There's an opening.

872
00:48:32,993 --> 00:48:36,288
Someone comes on.
Opening act comes on, does ten minutes.

873
00:48:36,371 --> 00:48:38,915
Some fucking asshole comes on,
does over an hour.

874
00:48:39,625 --> 00:48:42,377
Right? Some jokes we laugh at,
some jokes we don't laugh at.

875
00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:45,714
Hopefully, overall we had a good time
and then we get the fuck out of here.

876
00:48:45,797 --> 00:48:49,551
That's comedy in America.
It's fun. It's easy. We get it.

877
00:48:49,635 --> 00:48:54,264
Comedy in the UK is very different.
Comedy in the UK is very serious.

878
00:48:54,348 --> 00:48:57,184
It's very serious.
They don't even call it comedy shows.

879
00:48:57,267 --> 00:48:59,227
They call it festival shows.

880
00:48:59,311 --> 00:49:02,648
"What's your festival show?
What's your one-man, one-woman show?

881
00:49:02,731 --> 00:49:05,651
You better make me laugh and then cry
and then laugh and then cry again.

882
00:49:05,734 --> 00:49:07,444
In the UK, we'll come watch you,

883
00:49:07,527 --> 00:49:11,990
and there's no food, no drinks,
no opening act, no friends.

884
00:49:13,659 --> 00:49:16,995
It's just you. For one hour.

885
00:49:17,079 --> 00:49:19,039
You better fucking do this.

886
00:49:19,122 --> 00:49:20,749
You better fucking do this, man.

887
00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:22,584
I paid for parking.
I paid for a babysitter.

888
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:25,003
I paid for drinks, I paid for dinner,
and I paid for you.

889
00:49:25,087 --> 00:49:26,630
You better fucking do this."

890
00:49:27,255 --> 00:49:29,549
And people come angry to comedy.

891
00:49:30,550 --> 00:49:32,386
They're like, "Fuck you. Make me laugh."

892
00:49:33,595 --> 00:49:35,472
You're like,
"How was your day today, sir?"

893
00:49:35,555 --> 00:49:37,307
"Fuck you was how my day was."

894
00:49:38,642 --> 00:49:42,479
And they come and watch you
and people come and review you.

895
00:49:42,562 --> 00:49:46,191
People get paid
to come and review comedians

896
00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:50,028
and we give comedians stars,
like restaurants.

897
00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:54,616
Like Michelin stars, and we publish it
in the newspaper the next day.

898
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,910
News of the land. Right?

899
00:49:56,993 --> 00:50:01,206
"Ronny Chieng--
Ronny Chieng was a two-star comedian.

900
00:50:01,289 --> 00:50:02,791
Two stars.

901
00:50:02,874 --> 00:50:05,335
Relied too much on his ethnic background.

902
00:50:05,419 --> 00:50:07,212
[laughter]

903
00:50:07,295 --> 00:50:11,591
Despite not doing a single joke
about Asian people. Two stars."

904
00:50:12,801 --> 00:50:17,472
Nish Kumar-- Nish Kumar has four stars.
Four stars to Nish Kumar.

905
00:50:17,556 --> 00:50:20,308
Jack Whitehall--
Jack Whitehall, five stars.

906
00:50:21,977 --> 00:50:23,353
Mr. Bean.

907
00:50:24,396 --> 00:50:27,357
Ten stars!

908
00:50:27,441 --> 00:50:32,738
Ten stars for the god of comedy, Mr. Bean,
who ended comedy. That night he ended it.

909
00:50:32,821 --> 00:50:35,866
He ended the game
when he did this bit about this…

910
00:50:35,949 --> 00:50:37,659
[babbles]

911
00:50:39,578 --> 00:50:41,455
He ended it. GOAT. The GOAT.

912
00:50:41,538 --> 00:50:43,457
GOAT being "greatest of all time."

913
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:47,711
The GOAT.
The GOAT did six episodes of… [babbles]

914
00:50:47,794 --> 00:50:49,713
…30 years ago, the greatest. The greatest.

915
00:50:49,796 --> 00:50:52,174
With his ability
to cross cultures without words

916
00:50:52,257 --> 00:50:53,842
like a modern-day Charlie Chaplin.

917
00:50:53,925 --> 00:50:55,886
He's unparalleled in modern comedy.

918
00:50:55,969 --> 00:50:57,387
[laughter]

919
00:50:57,471 --> 00:50:58,805
[chuckles]

920
00:50:58,889 --> 00:51:02,976
All these fucking uneducated
Yelp, Twitter, reviewing bloggers

921
00:51:03,059 --> 00:51:06,480
giving their unsolicited,
unqualified opinion.

922
00:51:06,563 --> 00:51:11,276
The Internet has enabled
this goddamn amateur-hour culture

923
00:51:11,359 --> 00:51:14,529
of fucking dorks to thrive.

924
00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:17,574
People whose asshole opinion
we would never listen to

925
00:51:17,657 --> 00:51:20,243
in any professional setting.

926
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:23,079
They start a Twitter or Yelp account

927
00:51:23,163 --> 00:51:26,500
and suddenly everybody is scrambling
to bow to their knowledge.

928
00:51:26,583 --> 00:51:29,085
It's gotten to a point
where you can flunk out of med school,

929
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:32,506
the very next day, review doctors.
Doesn't make any sense.

930
00:51:32,589 --> 00:51:35,717
Everybody reviewing everything,
like they're experts.

931
00:51:35,801 --> 00:51:37,677
People reviewing comedy.

932
00:51:37,761 --> 00:51:42,474
Can you imagine that?
Who the fuck reviews comedy?

933
00:51:42,557 --> 00:51:45,018
Unironically, who reviews comedy?

934
00:51:45,101 --> 00:51:46,686
Who wakes up in the morning and goes,

935
00:51:46,770 --> 00:51:51,525
"Hey, you know what I'm going to do today
with my limited time on this planet?

936
00:51:52,567 --> 00:51:55,946
I'm going to take this thing
that was created with joy,

937
00:51:56,863 --> 00:51:59,324
intended to spread happiness,

938
00:51:59,407 --> 00:52:04,204
and then I'm gonna pick
as many flaws in it as I can.

939
00:52:04,287 --> 00:52:05,664
[babbles]

940
00:52:05,747 --> 00:52:08,291
'Cause I'm a fucking asshole.
That's my opinion."

941
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:11,419
So everybody mining for outrage
to get angry at,

942
00:52:11,503 --> 00:52:13,922
put it on the Internet
with a sexy headline,

943
00:52:14,005 --> 00:52:17,217
hopefully get some clicks,
make a little bit of money.

944
00:52:17,300 --> 00:52:20,387
Because if you're looking for flaws,
you're going to find flaws.

945
00:52:21,221 --> 00:52:24,683
You know that. If you go into
any situation just looking for mistakes,

946
00:52:25,976 --> 00:52:28,395
guess what, you're going to find
some mistakes, right?

947
00:52:28,478 --> 00:52:32,941
Because nothing is perfect.
Nothing we do as humans is perfect.

948
00:52:33,024 --> 00:52:36,987
I'm sure I haven't been perfect tonight
for every single person.

949
00:52:37,070 --> 00:52:39,739
The wage gap joke
was probably a tactical error.

950
00:52:41,533 --> 00:52:43,326
I misjudged how blue the room was.

951
00:52:43,410 --> 00:52:44,411
[laughter]

952
00:52:44,494 --> 00:52:48,707
But whatever, you can find flaws
in anything if you look hard enough.

953
00:52:48,790 --> 00:52:52,919
You can find flaws in the Mona Lisa.
What does that mean?

954
00:52:54,671 --> 00:52:56,798
Also, what the fuck do you know about it?

955
00:52:56,882 --> 00:52:57,716
[laughter]

956
00:52:57,799 --> 00:53:01,636
Never been on stage in your life,
trying to tell me how to do my job.

957
00:53:01,720 --> 00:53:04,264
That's like me going
to a maternity ward in a hospital

958
00:53:04,347 --> 00:53:06,516
and giving women tips
on how to give birth.

959
00:53:07,392 --> 00:53:10,353
Yeah, what kind of fucking asshole
would go into a maternity ward

960
00:53:10,437 --> 00:53:12,397
and just look for women in labor?

961
00:53:14,691 --> 00:53:18,111
And just go, "Hey, you really should be
pushing harder during childbirth.

962
00:53:18,194 --> 00:53:22,365
You don't look like you're pushing
hard enough during childbirth.

963
00:53:22,449 --> 00:53:24,868
I think you're relying too much
on your ethnic background…

964
00:53:24,951 --> 00:53:26,369
[laughter]

965
00:53:26,453 --> 00:53:28,288
…during childbirth.

966
00:53:28,371 --> 00:53:32,250
Oh, the C-section? Oof.
That's a real lazy form of childbirth.

967
00:53:32,334 --> 00:53:34,210
[clicks tongue] Two stars."

968
00:53:37,464 --> 00:53:40,383
These fucking reviewing pieces of shit,

969
00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:43,094
trying to fool everyone into thinking
they know what they're talking about

970
00:53:43,178 --> 00:53:45,096
because they know how to use a keyboard.

971
00:53:45,180 --> 00:53:48,683
The amount of energy it takes
to create something

972
00:53:48,767 --> 00:53:51,144
versus the amount of energy
it takes to complain now,

973
00:53:51,227 --> 00:53:54,397
the Internet has totally disrupted
that process, right?

974
00:53:54,481 --> 00:53:57,233
Like, every morning,
people waking up, in this very room.

975
00:53:57,817 --> 00:54:00,195
Putting your necks on the line,
breaking your backs,

976
00:54:00,278 --> 00:54:03,281
trying to make something happen,
whatever your hustle is,

977
00:54:03,365 --> 00:54:05,492
whether you're trying to start a business,

978
00:54:05,575 --> 00:54:09,829
or organize your community
for positive political change.

979
00:54:09,913 --> 00:54:11,498
What a thankless task that is.

980
00:54:11,581 --> 00:54:13,583
Uh, open a restaurant.

981
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:17,712
The risks involved with that.
Perfect your cooking as a chef.

982
00:54:17,796 --> 00:54:20,590
Train to be a pro athlete.
Make some music.

983
00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:23,677
Graphic design. Mine Bitcoin.

984
00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:28,932
Whatever your hustle is, every morning,
just make a little bit happen.

985
00:54:29,015 --> 00:54:31,434
You've gotta put everything you have,
all your energy,

986
00:54:31,518 --> 00:54:33,269
just to make a little bit happen.

987
00:54:33,353 --> 00:54:37,524
All it takes to criticize now
is this motion. This is all we need.

988
00:54:37,607 --> 00:54:38,942
[babbles]

989
00:54:39,025 --> 00:54:41,027
You don't even need your neck muscles.

990
00:54:41,111 --> 00:54:43,530
Before you're allowed to comment online,

991
00:54:43,613 --> 00:54:45,949
you should be made
to do something with your life.

992
00:54:46,032 --> 00:54:49,619
Go climb Mount Everest or something.
That should be the new captcha.

993
00:54:49,703 --> 00:54:52,038
"Are you human?
Did you climb Mount Everest?

994
00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:54,290
Okay, post a photo.
All right, you're good to go."

995
00:54:55,458 --> 00:54:59,629
Right? 'Cause how can you critique
without creating, is my point.

996
00:54:59,713 --> 00:55:03,883
How could you possibly have
perspective or goodwill

997
00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:06,219
when you enter into conversations, right?

998
00:55:06,302 --> 00:55:08,847
It's so easy to shit on things, man.
It's just so easy.

999
00:55:08,930 --> 00:55:11,933
Shitting on things is easy.
I do it professionally.

1000
00:55:12,851 --> 00:55:14,769
Super easy. [babbles]

1001
00:55:14,853 --> 00:55:18,356
It's much harder to build people up, man,
much harder to do stuff,

1002
00:55:18,440 --> 00:55:21,067
so we should be doing that
when we see someone else

1003
00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:25,030
doing something positive in the community,
something positive for themselves.

1004
00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:26,781
We should be encouraging to them more.

1005
00:55:26,865 --> 00:55:30,660
More than we're complaining
about other stuff, right?

1006
00:55:30,744 --> 00:55:33,538
You can only complain
as much as you help other people out.

1007
00:55:34,664 --> 00:55:38,668
Like, I was walking down West 4th Street
in Manhattan in New York City,

1008
00:55:39,502 --> 00:55:41,963
minding my own business,
not looking at my phone,

1009
00:55:42,047 --> 00:55:45,258
actually paying attention to the world
around me during the pandemic.

1010
00:55:45,341 --> 00:55:48,219
Just trying to get some fresh air.
Actually having a nice night.

1011
00:55:48,303 --> 00:55:53,349
I was walking down the street
in Manhattan, looking around,

1012
00:55:53,433 --> 00:55:55,935
and out of nowhere,
this woman walks right up to me,

1013
00:55:56,561 --> 00:55:59,606
grabs me on the throat
and just starts squeezing.

1014
00:55:59,689 --> 00:56:03,109
So I throw her off
and then she squares up.

1015
00:56:06,071 --> 00:56:09,699
And I look at her and I just walk away.

1016
00:56:11,367 --> 00:56:13,995
And that's, like,
a normal interaction in New York.

1017
00:56:16,956 --> 00:56:18,500
Neither of us said a word.

1018
00:56:19,542 --> 00:56:22,629
The entire time,
we didn't even make a sound.

1019
00:56:23,797 --> 00:56:28,051
We didn't review each other,
because we both knew what was going on.

1020
00:56:28,134 --> 00:56:30,220
We both knew
what that whole thing was about.

1021
00:56:30,845 --> 00:56:32,764
I looked at her and I was like,

1022
00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:37,727
"Oh, you're crazy.

1023
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:41,231
Just like everyone on the Internet.
All right. See you later, crazy."

1024
00:56:42,023 --> 00:56:44,400
I didn't engage and I walked away.

1025
00:56:44,484 --> 00:56:46,402
And then she looked at me
and she was like,

1026
00:56:46,486 --> 00:56:50,156
"Oh. This is not a man who's going
to fight a woman on the street.

1027
00:56:51,032 --> 00:56:52,367
See you later, man."

1028
00:56:53,034 --> 00:56:57,080
And then we just went our separate ways.
And that was the end of it.

1029
00:56:59,374 --> 00:57:01,084
And I still respect that woman

1030
00:57:01,167 --> 00:57:04,838
more than these fucking
Twitter, Yelp, reviewing bloggers.

1031
00:57:07,257 --> 00:57:11,052
Because she was unhappy
about something in her life,

1032
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:13,304
she got off her ass
and did something about it.

1033
00:57:13,388 --> 00:57:14,389
[laughter]

1034
00:57:14,472 --> 00:57:18,143
She didn't just sit behind her keyboard,
tweeting with her balls,

1035
00:57:18,226 --> 00:57:23,523
critiquing other people's creations
without making anything for themselves

1036
00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:26,609
like a bunch of parasites eating the host.

1037
00:57:26,693 --> 00:57:30,572
No, she didn't like Asian people.
She wanted to commit a hate crime.

1038
00:57:30,655 --> 00:57:32,699
[laughter]

1039
00:57:32,782 --> 00:57:34,284
And I can respect that.

1040
00:57:35,577 --> 00:57:37,287
That's proactive.

1041
00:57:38,079 --> 00:57:40,039
You guys have been awesome.
Thanks for listening.

1042
00:57:40,123 --> 00:57:43,293
I'll see you guys later.
Thanks, New York City. Thank you.

1043
00:57:43,376 --> 00:57:46,379
-[audience cheering, whooping]
-[jazz music playing]