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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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‎NETFLIX 喜劇特輯

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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‎（莫吉利根）

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‎莫小看人生

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‎各位先生女士，歡迎主角登場

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‎莫吉利根

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‎我說：“莫”，你們說：“吉利根”

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‎-莫
‎-吉利根

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‎我說：“莫”，你們說：“吉利根”

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‎-莫
‎-吉利根

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‎先別激動，大家請坐

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‎對，太棒了，我覺得自己像饒舌歌手

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‎靠，太棒了

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‎能在這製作演出這整個單口喜劇真好

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‎我常說單口喜劇是我的初戀

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‎我現在製作電視節目
‎我喜歡電視節目，我以前沒想過…

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‎感覺多數人主要是透過那些影片

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‎開始跟隨我的旅程

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‎“茱莉，去拿兩罐飲料來”

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‎你們有些人想說
‎“對，我就是來看這個的，不要停”

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‎“繼續表演”

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‎知道這些影片最誇張的是什麼？
‎那是我三、四年前拍的

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‎但我隨時準備上陣

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‎懂嗎？兩週前，我的胃很痛

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‎我的胃痙攣

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‎你知道蹲廁所時
‎一瀉千里的感覺嗎？

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‎你蹲廁所時
‎所有東西都讓人很煩，比如

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‎“脫掉這該死的襪子”

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‎胃痙攣，非去醫院不可，很不舒服

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‎有人喊說：“喂，拿兩罐酒來”

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‎在這絕望的時刻，我回他

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‎“茱莉，快推驗血車過來”

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‎我時時準備好，小子

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‎大家有時候會對我重複
‎我已經完全忘記講過的話

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‎我在“寵樂居”，買我家狗的東西

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‎有個小孩看著我，我也看著他，心想

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‎“你看屁喔，兄弟？”

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‎那孩子突然唱起

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‎“佩佩豬，一隻黑色的佩佩豬”

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‎我心想：“這種族歧視的
‎四歲小孩是誰？”

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‎“我會讓你知道我穿幾號鞋，奧利佛”

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‎後來我說：該死，好啦，是網飛
‎我錯了，快起來，奧利佛”

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‎“起來，別哭了”

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‎我現在也有上電視節目
‎在經營電視演藝事業

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‎他們是這樣說的，演藝事業

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‎沒有哪一行跟演藝事業一樣

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‎我說真的，我還是新人

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‎有時我會太忘我

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‎我說真的，有時我會太忘我

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‎某天我在上《日常大早餐》這節目

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‎你們能想像嗎？
‎我上《日常大早餐》

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‎製作單位說：“莫，我們要進廣告”

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‎“莫，我們要進廣告”

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‎耳機傳來：“進廣告”

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‎我接著說：“廣告後見”，我才剛好

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‎要用手指比出槍

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‎在《日常大早餐》節目…
‎這是史上最像槍的手指槍

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‎甚至連長型彈匣都有

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‎看出來了嗎？

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‎我心裡很慌，覺得自己完蛋了

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‎大家可以想像得到
‎我這樣看著鏡頭的頭條了吧？

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‎頭條是“莫吉利根
‎拉希姆斯特林和Stormzy之友

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‎對著英國大眾開槍”

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‎不知為何放上足球員薩卡的照片
‎他根本什麼都沒做

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‎薩卡什麼都沒做

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‎有目擊者說

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‎“我在吃玉米穀片時，他對我開槍”

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‎“他對我開槍，還戴著項鍊
‎他媽的他對我開槍”

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‎我很喜歡上電視，你們知道嗎？

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‎有禮車司機來接我

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‎“先生您好”，還會幫我開門

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‎超扯的，我穿著連帽上衣、運動褲

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‎然後你到了現場

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‎門上寫著你的名字
‎你的門上面有你的名字

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‎一走進去，有時會有禮物

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‎我看著我的禮物說：“要命喔”

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‎“搞得像聖誕節”

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‎對，每次都這樣

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‎這是真的，各位，會有禮物

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‎你走進去，有花放著

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‎我默默想著：“又沒人死，送什麼花”

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‎但可能會收到好用的禮物
‎精緻的節目就會送精緻禮物

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‎可能收到小蠟燭之類的

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‎不是隨便的蠟燭，是喬馬龍的

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‎沒錯，是這樣的

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‎那可是黑石榴香氛
‎你知道我說的是誰，拜託

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‎但在上電視節目前

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‎製作單位會先進行調查

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‎他們會在那週打給你，先詢問你

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‎節目中會表演的內容？
‎你最近在忙什麼？

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‎不過電視節目的內容
‎會在最後一刻翻盤

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‎所以會有製作人衝進我的化妝間

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‎沒敲門，直接衝進來

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‎“莫，怎麼樣啊？”

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‎“我超愛看你的東西”

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‎“茱蒂絲，去拿啤酒”

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‎我超愛這些東西

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‎“所以我們要在最後一刻改節目內容”

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‎“你一定會喜歡的”

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‎“我們呢，租了戲服”

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‎“花了一萬元，但你聽著”

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‎“這可不是隨便的戲服”

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‎“這是小雞裝”

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‎“所以我們想讓你本人

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‎穿上小雞裝”

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‎“後來我們想到你在黑人圈子

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‎有寫電音饒舌歌曲”

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‎“我們弄出了這東西

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‎叫《咕咕歌》，我們想說混音一下”

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‎“我不是咕咕，那不是我”，全套混音

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‎“聽著，你會很棒，表演會很成功”

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‎“我知道你喜歡南多烤雞，等下見”

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‎他就這樣走了

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‎此時，各位，我氣瘋了

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‎我心想：“三小？《咕咕歌》？”

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‎“管他的，我才不要扮什麼小雞”

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‎“去他的小雞，去他的花”

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‎“去他的蠟燭”

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‎我氣炸了

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‎“穿小雞裝表演《咕咕歌》？我耶”

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‎發生這種事的時候

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‎我這輩子有兩個叫“喬事者”的人

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‎一個是我媽，但她不了解演藝圈

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‎如果我說：“媽，妳相信嗎？”

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‎“他們要我穿小雞裝
‎表演《咕咕歌》”

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‎我媽聽到她會說

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‎“會有薪水嗎？”

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‎我會回她：“什麼啦？這不是重點”

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‎他們要我穿小雞裝
‎然後表演《咕咕歌》耶

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‎“很好啊，只要你有領薪水
‎我就有新廚房了”

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‎搞屁喔，抱歉，妳說誰？

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‎另一個懂演藝圈的人
‎是我的經紀人，波莉

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‎我從一開始就跟著波莉

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‎在發跡前就是了

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‎我先介紹一下波莉這個人

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‎波莉，沒錯，是女的

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‎她當年獨自一人搬去佩克漢

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‎沒錯

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‎我覺得你們沒搞懂

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‎她在很久以前“自己選擇”搬去佩克漢

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‎那些男人一有機會就會想戲弄她

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‎“怎麼樣？好嗎？”
‎波莉才不會容忍這種事

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‎“閉嘴，你這小孬孬”

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‎她一概不忍耐，所以我知道她會挺我

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‎碰上這種事時
‎我打給波莉的情況會是這樣

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‎“妳好嗎，波莉？”

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‎“對，沒事，我很好”

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‎“對，劇組有送我禮物
‎對，他們送我蠟燭”

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‎“對，側邊有點破了”

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‎“但妳聽我說，我不想太超過”

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‎“他們要我演出一個橋段
‎事前沒跟我說”

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‎“他們要我穿小雞裝

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‎還要跳舞之類的”

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‎“他們還提到饒舌歌曲

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‎那傢伙還說我喜歡南多烤雞”

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‎我也是這樣想，沒錯
‎這是種族歧視，絕對是

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‎“好，先這樣”

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‎“好，交給妳，我就交給妳處理”

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‎然後過了十分鐘
‎再五分鐘節目就要開始了

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‎接著我聽到有人敲門

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‎剛才闖進門的製作人
‎敲了史上最有禮貌的敲門聲

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‎“莫？”

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‎“莫？”

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‎“我可不可以進去？”

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‎“可不可以？”

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‎“當然可以，進來吧
‎《孤雛淚》的奧利佛，有何貴幹？”

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‎“我能幫什麼忙？”

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‎“是這樣的，《咕咕歌》那段拿掉”

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‎“那段不拍，我們今天不想拍那段”

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‎害得我只好假裝驚嚇
‎彷彿表演取消不是我害的

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‎“真的嗎？”

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‎“天啊”

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‎“不是吧”

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‎“真是的”

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‎“整段《咕咕歌》都要拿掉？”

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‎“真是的”

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‎“我本來很期待用雞腳

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‎跳滑行舞…”

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‎“真可惜”

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‎“那你要怎麼辦？
‎那套服裝花了一萬元”

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‎“對，沒錯，他們要我上場”

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‎“他們要我穿小雞裝，你相信嗎？”

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‎“真要命，太誇張了”

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‎“總之我們棚裡見”

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‎“先滾了，保重，掰囉”

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‎至於…

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‎小雞咕咕

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‎不可能，快頒給我英國電影學院獎
‎我短時間內不用表演《咕咕歌》

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‎對嘛，別鬧了

191
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,680
‎我說真的，你們從一開始就跟著我

192
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:35,640
‎我的人生並非都是演藝事業

193
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,920
‎我也有破產的時候

194
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,480
‎一窮二白那樣

195
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:42,760
‎就是窮到只能祈禱
‎你們有這樣過嗎？

196
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:44,640
‎你甚至沒有信教

197
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,280
‎卻開始祈禱，連怎麼說都不知道

198
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,720
‎“是這樣的…”

199
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:53,080
‎“我不知道上面是誰
‎佛祖、祢們其中一個聽著”

200
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,520
‎“拜託，我求祢”

201
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,800
‎“天父，如果祢有辦法

202
00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,800
‎走過死亡的陰影

203
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:03,800
‎幫我找出錢蹤的話…”

204
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,840
‎你連跟上帝都要談條件

205
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,120
‎對吧，這說不通啊

206
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,520
‎“如果祢能幫我找到錢蹤

207
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,960
‎我保證這輩子再也不說髒話”

208
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,280
‎什麼？

209
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:18,400
‎窮爆了

210
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,640
‎我在零售店打第一份工

211
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,720
‎我逢人便說，一定要去零售店工作

212
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,920
‎這是你生命中必經的路程

213
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,240
‎懂嗎？大家都該試試看零售店的工作

214
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,000
‎信不信，我第一份工作就在喬馬龍

215
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,480
‎西田購物中心開幕那天
‎我就在那工作

216
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:38,160
‎在牧者叢店開幕那天

217
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,000
‎西倫敦的人現在都這樣叫那個地方

218
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,160
‎“我們去牧羊叢，走吧”

219
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,400
‎真正的西倫敦人才不會這樣說

220
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,920
‎那邊的人會說：“什麼？那叫樹叢”

221
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,280
‎在西田出現前
‎牧羊人才不會靠近那個樹叢

222
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,760
‎這是我要說的重點

223
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,720
‎喬馬龍就開在那個叫“購物村”的地方

224
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,800
‎中階、高檔店家、LV、古馳全都有

225
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,840
‎據說西田開幕那天

226
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,760
‎會發免費贈品

227
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,520
‎沒錯，大家以為
‎可以走去購物村的路易威登

228
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,840
‎然後說：“路易威登
‎給我五條免費皮帶”

229
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,440
‎“給我五條免費的”

230
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,840
‎那是我第一天在賣場

231
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,160
‎我受過訓練，看過員工手冊

232
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,320
‎我努力了解這個品牌

233
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,400
‎我媽說第一天一定要體面一點

234
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,000
‎於是我穿了黑色襯衫
‎黑色長褲配黑鞋

235
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,400
‎我心裡覺得自己準備上賣場了

236
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,600
‎在我踏出那一步時
‎經理說：“不行，這給你”

237
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,160
‎她給我一條圍裙

238
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,400
‎圍裙耶，我回她
‎“難不成這裡是特力屋？”

239
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:39,400
‎“我幹嘛要穿一條醜圍裙？”

240
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,040
‎年輕又天真的我，內心覺得不行

241
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,920
‎我一定要讓這圍裙變得又鬆垮又帥氣

242
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,840
‎經理說：“不行，重點是標準一致”

243
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,560
‎她伸出手把圍裙綁緊

244
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,800
‎我在賣場就像個行動沙漏，各位

245
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:02,200
‎有個男的走經過說
‎“唉唷，小子，你的屁屁好帥”

246
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:03,480
‎真要命

247
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:07,520
‎“唉唷，小子，沒騙你
‎你有迷死人的屁屁”

248
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:10,880
‎“你的背影超殺，老兄”

249
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,000
‎所以我在賣場

250
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,040
‎各位想像得到，我在賣場

251
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:21,000
‎經理叫我要負責招呼客人
‎這是我的職責

252
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,560
‎我得穿插各種語調，我們都要這樣

253
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,120
‎不管你做什麼工作
‎講話一定都要穿插各種語調

254
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,240
‎兄弟，怎麼稱呼，我的朋友？

255
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:30,280
‎-安東
‎-安東，你做什麼的？

256
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,560
‎-木匠
‎-木匠啊，真棒

257
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,360
‎好工作，兄弟
‎你講話一定常穿插各種語調

258
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:36,640
‎跟朋友一起聊天

259
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,760
‎“對，這就是我說的，老兄
‎老子週六可能會出門”

260
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:40,720
‎“你好”

261
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,000
‎“嗨，對”

262
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,880
‎“好的，可以”

263
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,440
‎“我會不會做搖搖馬？好”

264
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:49,840
‎“會”

265
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,160
‎“好，週五要，這週五嗎？”

266
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,240
‎“好，可以，我們週五見”

267
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:55,920
‎“好的，再見，好”

268
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,440
‎“老子才不做他媽的搖搖馬”

269
00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,920
‎“他媽的蠢貨”

270
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,600
‎所以我得穿插各種語調

271
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:09,440
‎經理要我在客人進來時招呼他們

272
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:10,440
‎這是我的職責

273
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:14,000
‎你可以想像店裡的氣氛，味道很香

274
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,520
‎我先介紹一下喬馬龍好了

275
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,640
‎他們有賣身體乳、香水、沐浴乳

276
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:23,440
‎他們有這麼大罐的沐浴乳
‎就這麼大，各位

277
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,160
‎要價15英鎊

278
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,800
‎我每天只用一滴

279
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:34,160
‎別誤會，那是我偷來的
‎但我一天用一滴

280
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,800
‎我只要在客人進門時招呼他們

281
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,160
‎用我穿插各語調的聲音

282
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,640
‎“您好，還好嗎？哈囉，女士”

283
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,920
‎“您好，午安，女士，妳好嗎？”

284
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,160
‎從寒冷的外面走進門時
‎英國人會問：“你還好吧？”

285
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,080
‎“外面冷死了，對吧？”

286
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,240
‎“對，蠻冷的，可不是嗎？”

287
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,640
‎“進來吧，你這呆頭鵝”

288
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:56,800
‎“進來吧”

289
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,440
‎有時客人進店時會無視你的存在

290
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,640
‎“小姐，妳好嗎？沒事吧？”

291
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,320
‎“沒事？好吧”

292
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:14,080
‎我就站在那邊自己嗨，沒關係

293
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,560
‎然後有位男士走了進來

294
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,640
‎我心裡竊喜想著
‎“我有機會賣東西了

295
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,600
‎讓可能不熟悉品牌的客人掏錢”

296
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,240
‎他走進店裡

297
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,920
‎“唉唷，真行，還不錯嘛”

298
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:30,800
‎“好吧”

299
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,400
‎“這裡真他媽像水療館”

300
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,160
‎“好喔”

301
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,000
‎“試用品？讓我來試噴這罐”

302
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,680
‎“我喜歡那罐”

303
00:14:58,240 --> 00:14:59,840
‎於是我向他靠近

304
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:02,440
‎“先生您好，喜歡嗎？試用滿意嗎？”

305
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:08,000
‎“老兄，你幹嘛怪腔怪調
‎像《新鮮王子妙事多》的管家？”

306
00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:14,600
‎“您試用的香氛是我們的招牌”

307
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,560
‎“那是青檸羅勒與柑橘”

308
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,160
‎“所以你會聞到青檸香氣”

309
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,040
‎“接著聞到揉碎的羅勒”

310
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,720
‎“再來是一絲絲柑橘味”

311
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:25,920
‎“您有聞到嗎？”

312
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,920
‎在店裡工作就知道
‎大家都會不由自主口是心非

313
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,120
‎“對，柑橘味很濃，要命喔”

314
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,680
‎“我有點喜歡這味道，兄弟”

315
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,760
‎“這東西要價多少，兄弟？”

316
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,000
‎“我喜歡這罐

317
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:43,760
‎這罐讓我很有感，多少錢？”

318
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:48,520
‎“好，先生，那罐是50毫升的”

319
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:51,800
‎“價格是59英鎊”

320
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:53,200
‎“59英鎊？”

321
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,080
‎“那好吧”

322
00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:00,760
‎“大罐的咧，兄弟？多少錢？”

323
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:04,000
‎“好，大罐的其實是100毫升

324
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:07,160
‎也就是兩倍量的淡香水”

325
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:10,240
‎“你說什麼，什麼蛋香？
‎你在說什麼，兄弟？”

326
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,640
‎“這邊這罐呢，先生，是140英鎊”

327
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,520
‎“140？好”

328
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,440
‎“這價格很離奇耶”

329
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,840
‎“好”

330
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,800
‎“所以這罐59鎊，那罐140鎊
‎你是這樣說的？”

331
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:31,720
‎“是的”

332
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,760
‎“我當下沒有結巴，所以沒錯”

333
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:37,280
‎“好”

334
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,160
‎“好，但你給我聽好了”

335
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,520
‎“聽好了，兄弟，我不認識你
‎你不認識來這裡的我，懂嗎？”

336
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:56,840
‎“去他媽的這些東西
‎你聽好我現在要說的”

337
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,480
‎“我要把這東西偷走，老表”

338
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:03,720
‎“那你他媽跟我說這件事幹嘛？”

339
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:08,599
‎“老兄，拜託別偷東西
‎我今天才開始上班”

340
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,920
‎“這是我第一天上班，算我求你”

341
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,280
‎“你說說看，為什麼要過來偷東西？”

342
00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:16,800
‎“因為不管怎麼說
‎你長得像我，我長得像你

343
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,119
‎他們可能會以為我們預謀
‎而你是我的親戚”

344
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,920
‎“什麼，他們還要歧視我們？”

345
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,880
‎“不是，去他媽的
‎反正我就是非偷不可”

346
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,560
‎“我不認識你，老表
‎聽著，我要把它拿走”

347
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,400
‎“聽我的話，誰敢阻止我
‎我就往他臉上揍”

348
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,080
‎“你是說你要走出店門口

349
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,160
‎誰擋你的路，你就揍誰？”

350
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,840
‎“伙伴，我誰都揍
‎我才不管這是什麼布吉馬龍牌”

351
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,400
‎“所以你要把它偷走？”

352
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:47,320
‎“聽好了，如果你要偷走它
‎你要帶著一瓶香水跑到店外

353
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,840
‎請聽清楚我要說的話

354
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,480
‎“幫我也拿一罐”

355
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:05,080
‎我隔天香噴噴地去上班

356
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,640
‎但大家知道在職場會有什麼？

357
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,520
‎我們會有朋友、同事

358
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,440
‎跟這兩種對象互動的方式截然不同

359
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,760
‎因為當你見到朋友時
‎你們之間有自己的小玩笑

360
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:19,960
‎我之前共事的一個人叫杜恩
‎他跟我很像

361
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:21,160
‎我們有自己的小玩笑

362
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:22,240
‎“怎樣啊？”

363
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,280
‎“杜恩就是讚，混得怎樣？”

364
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:26,800
‎“我，謝了，老表”

365
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,560
‎“莫吉利根就是讚，你好不好？”

366
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,960
‎有時同事會想插進來

367
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,440
‎“過得好嗎？別忘了我，彼得”

368
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,400
‎“這傢伙就是讚”

369
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,280
‎“閉嘴，彼得，以後不要這樣了”

370
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,600
‎“我們會在員工休息室突擊你
‎千萬別這麼做”

371
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,400
‎你有朋友，再來還有同事

372
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,520
‎在正中間的最頂端，知道有誰嗎？

373
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,240
‎有銷售經理

374
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,200
‎我要用這個詞，但你們不要太常用
‎但你們知道嗎？

375
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:54,600
‎所有的零售經理

376
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,480
‎都是混蛋，沒錯

377
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:58,560
‎我說出來了，我不在乎

378
00:18:58,640 --> 00:18:59,520
‎我說出來了

379
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,400
‎今晚現場有銷售經理嗎？

380
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,800
‎你他媽的混蛋，閉嘴

381
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:10,360
‎沒有啦，我開玩笑的

382
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,080
‎才怪，我沒開玩笑，那傢伙去死

383
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,320
‎知道我為何要說這個？

384
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,480
‎因為他們無法決定
‎要當你的朋友還是敵人

385
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,960
‎他們有時會捏造出
‎沒列在賣場規範的東西

386
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:24,600
‎我跟杜恩在聊領薪水後要做什麼

387
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,920
‎我們在聊天，店裡沒人
‎我們假裝在摺衣服

388
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,520
‎店裡沒人

389
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,920
‎“你剛說週六要幹嘛？想也知道

390
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,640
‎我要出去玩，因為週五發薪水了”

391
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,680
‎經理過來看到我們閒話家常

392
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,880
‎“好，該停下來了”

393
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,280
‎“莫，可以幫個忙嗎？”

394
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,760
‎“可以站在櫥窗跟客人揮手嗎？”

395
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:50,600
‎“什麼？”

396
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,080
‎兩分鐘後，經理又想當朋友了

397
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,760
‎在那個我完全不需要朋友的工作場所

398
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,960
‎你們知道是什麼地方嗎？員工休息室

399
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:06,840
‎我不想要任何朋友

400
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,360
‎那是發薪日的前一週

401
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:09,560
‎那是塑膠保鮮盒週

402
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,400
‎我終於用了中式環保餐盒

403
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,280
‎還沒領到薪水

404
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:16,560
‎我的保鮮盒裝著米和豌豆

405
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,080
‎另一個裝著牛尾

406
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,440
‎還有另一個裝著沙拉

407
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,080
‎我戴著耳機

408
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,840
‎拜託別跟我說話，我有一小時
‎我跟你聊天沒錢拿

409
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,240
‎拜託別跟我說話，別來煩我

410
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,400
‎結果誰進來想跟我交朋友？經理

411
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:35,120
‎“那是什麼？”

412
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,360
‎“聞起來好香”

413
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,720
‎“那是什麼？你帶什麼來，兄弟？“

414
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:45,800
‎“去死啦，老兄”

415
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,320
‎“那…好吧”

416
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,840
‎“我這盒是飯配豌豆”

417
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:59,000
‎“久仰大名了，飯和豌豆”

418
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:03,880
‎“天啊，我聽過它們
‎飯和豌豆，太好了”

419
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,840
‎“不過這看起來不像豌豆”

420
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,360
‎“好”

421
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,280
‎“那是什麼？我從沒看過那個”

422
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:12,960
‎“那到底是什麼東西？”

423
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,920
‎“那是什麼？
‎那他媽的是什麼？那是什麼？”

424
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,080
‎“跟我說那是什麼”

425
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:21,920
‎“可以不要再指著我的食物了嗎？”

426
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,000
‎“這是燉牛尾”

427
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:27,080
‎“什麼？”

428
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,720
‎“抱歉，牛什麼？”

429
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:32,960
‎“這是燉牛尾”

430
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,640
‎“牛尾？等一下”

431
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:36,840
‎“牛尾？”

432
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,560
‎“我在維特羅斯超市從沒看過”

433
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,240
‎“牛尾？”

434
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,120
‎“等一下，我先搞懂，這位黑人名廚”

435
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:45,560
‎“你是要跟我說”

436
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,640
‎“你是要說那是牛的尾巴
‎我沒搞錯吧？”

437
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,520
‎“你是這個意思嗎？”

438
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:56,000
‎“不是，那是馬鞭啦，你沒在聽嗎？”

439
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,440
‎但大家都知道員工休息室的
‎一項全球規定

440
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,640
‎不要帶有臭味的午餐進員工休息室

441
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,720
‎不管你是誰
‎不能把員工休息室搞的臭氣逼人

442
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,720
‎這是公共區域，我們都要在這用餐

443
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:11,240
‎但有些人就是不管

444
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:14,600
‎我跟一位可愛的女士共事過
‎她叫優卡，人很好

445
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,640
‎但她是那種向你傾吐心事的人

446
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,280
‎“優卡，過得好嗎？妳還好嗎？”

447
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,360
‎“我不太好”

448
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:26,120
‎“天啊，出什麼事？妳怎麼了？”

449
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,160
‎“我丈夫離開了”

450
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,640
‎“唉唷，很遺憾聽妳這麼說，很遺憾”

451
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:35,960
‎我說真的
‎她的午餐搞得休息室臭氣熏天

452
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,080
‎我只是想客氣地對優卡

453
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,800
‎但有些人口無遮攔，他們不會看情況

454
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,400
‎像杜恩這種人就會走進來說出心裡話

455
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,760
‎他走進來跟大家借剪刀

456
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,000
‎“真夭壽”

457
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:50,200
‎“不是吧”

458
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,360
‎“好臭，不行，那東西好臭”

459
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:57,000
‎“你們一直坐在這麼臭的地方聊天？”

460
00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:58,720
‎“噁心死了”

461
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,080
‎我試圖用眼神跟他說：“杜恩…”

462
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,360
‎“杜恩，優卡心情不太好”

463
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:05,640
‎“她老公走了，是吧？”

464
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,280
‎“兄弟，食物這麼臭，難怪他會走”

465
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,720
‎“換做是我也會走”

466
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:13,800
‎把該死的員工休息室弄得很臭

467
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,680
‎但大家都知道我們去工作是為了錢

468
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,640
‎沒有人是為了愛和喜悅去的
‎我們去是為了錢

469
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,080
‎我也不例外
‎18歲時，拿到第一筆薪水

470
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:27,120
‎天啊

471
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,760
‎我不知道履歷要寫什麼
‎想也知道我撒謊了

472
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,560
‎我們都靠撒謊騙到第一份工作

473
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,240
‎我當時還沒有工作經驗

474
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,040
‎“你有在哪工作過嗎？”

475
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,400
‎-“有”
‎-“你在哪工作？”

476
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,160
‎“沃爾沃斯超市，對”

477
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:41,240
‎“還有其他地方嗎？”

478
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,080
‎“迪克森電器行”

479
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,720
‎倒掉的店家我都做過

480
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,200
‎你根本不知道…
‎“你可以上幾小時的班？”

481
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:50,560
‎“50萬小時”

482
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:55,320
‎然後你就可以等著領錢了

483
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,480
‎有時候你急著要看錢入帳沒
‎你在11點58分看一次

484
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:02,120
‎星期四的11點58分查網銀

485
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,960
‎“什麼？他們還沒付薪水給我？”

486
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:05,520
‎“不行，去他的”

487
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,840
‎“我明天上班要偷走所有蠟燭”

488
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:09,320
‎“這口氣我吞不下去”

489
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,640
‎有時候就是得在晚上去提款機

490
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,640
‎凌晨一點要去提款機那

491
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,360
‎踏進鬧區，你緊張到漏尿

492
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,720
‎你把鑰匙握在手指間，以防突發狀況

493
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:22,440
‎有毒蟲攻擊時就能出手

494
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:30,160
‎但能賺自己的錢就是爽

495
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:31,760
‎我永遠不會忘記那感覺

496
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:34,600
‎天啊，跑去提款機前

497
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:38,080
‎插進卡片，看到自己賺的錢

498
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:42,960
‎天啊，彷彿一切是慢動作發生

499
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:21,760
‎笑點就在…謝謝

500
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,360
‎你們知道這個笑話的笑點嗎？
‎有人看著我心想…

501
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,520
‎“好啦，大塊頭
‎我們懂，你領到薪水了”

502
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:34,960
‎“加快速度，快轉”

503
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,840
‎犒賞自己，因為你永遠要這麼做

504
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,720
‎我記得我用95年的Air Max犒賞自己

505
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:48,120
‎以前我們稱這雙鞋為110
‎因為要價110英鎊

506
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,560
‎之後不得不騙我媽

507
00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:52,240
‎“這雙鞋很好看”

508
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,600
‎我在我媽旁邊打開鞋盒
‎“這雙適合冬天穿”

509
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:55,520
‎冬天？

510
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,840
‎我們住在南倫敦，不是阿拉斯加

511
00:25:57,920 --> 00:25:59,000
‎你有什麼毛病？

512
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,320
‎“很好看”

513
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,280
‎“這雙鞋多少錢？”

514
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:05,960
‎“30英鎊”

515
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:08,600
‎就算這樣，我媽還是覺得貴

516
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:10,040
‎“30英鎊”

517
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:12,560
‎“那價格就能買雙很好的膠底帆布鞋”

518
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:13,760
‎膠底帆布鞋？

519
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:17,440
‎又不是四年級體育課
‎到底誰會穿膠底帆布鞋？

520
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,800
‎人生走到這階段，一切都要用入門級

521
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:23,720
‎連皮夾都不例外，你沒有高級皮夾

522
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:27,400
‎只有爛耐吉皮夾
‎拿著爛耐吉魔鬼氈皮夾去酒吧

523
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,800
‎“要喝東西嗎？我去叫”
‎發出那討人厭的聲音…

524
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,880
‎你沒有信用卡，沒有國民保險

525
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,400
‎只有你媽的會員集點卡、圖書館卡

526
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,200
‎還有一個根本打不開的小小爛拉鍊

527
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,280
‎“多少錢？”兩英鎊，“我來付”

528
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:50,160
‎有錢日子就好過

529
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:54,120
‎因為我人生最慘的階段
‎是我15到17歲時

530
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:55,240
‎一窮二白

531
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,320
‎沒辦法工作，這是最慘的

532
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,760
‎你竭盡所能，到處弄錢
‎你只在意這個

533
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:04,640
‎你祖母在你過生日時生日
‎你只會找卡片裡夾的錢，對吧？

534
00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:06,360
‎“哈囉，好，沒錢”

535
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:10,080
‎“好，阿嬤，希望妳死掉
‎去死吧，希望妳今晚死掉”

536
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:13,080
‎“希望死神今晚帶走妳”

537
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:14,440
‎“卡片裡面沒錢”

538
00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:17,520
‎“我把你放進遺囑了”

539
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,920
‎“那我希望妳的遺囑今晚派上用場
‎這樣行嗎？”

540
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,280
‎但卡片裡沒放錢

541
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,440
‎你竭盡所能到處找錢

542
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:30,920
‎我記得我媽說過
‎“聽著，莫，聽好了

543
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:34,480
‎拿五英鎊去店裡”

544
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,240
‎“幫我買一袋米”

545
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,480
‎“我一早就要上班
‎幫我買早餐或穀片”

546
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:40,640
‎“零錢不用找”

547
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,360
‎什麼？“零錢不用找”

548
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,640
‎什麼？五英鎊不用找？

549
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:48,960
‎不用找零錢？

550
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:50,320
‎天啊

551
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:52,640
‎我只聽到這個，其他我都忘了

552
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:54,440
‎”不用找了”

553
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:56,200
‎只要走去店裡，“零錢不用找”

554
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:57,720
‎天啊，“零錢不用找”

555
00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:00,160
‎零錢我可以留著自己用

556
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,680
‎所有的零錢我都要留著，你懂嗎？

557
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,360
‎我走進店裡，腦子一片空白

558
00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:08,360
‎“好，我要買什麼？”

559
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:09,520
‎“我要買什麼？”

560
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:15,440
‎“我要幫自己買東西
‎因為零錢不用找回去”

561
00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:17,680
‎“好的”

562
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,320
‎“買這個吧，希望這是她要的”

563
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,120
‎然後我要留下兩塊五毛英鎊

564
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:26,480
‎我跟你們說，我留了一英鎊隔天用

565
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:29,440
‎然後還有一塊五毛英鎊
‎可以在店裡花掉

566
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,200
‎知道一塊五毛英鎊多大嗎？

567
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,680
‎以前我在店裡想要的東西
‎我都看不上眼

568
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:37,240
‎那些我一直想買的東西
‎我告訴自己：“別買糖果條”

569
00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:38,240
‎“不行買洋蔥圈”

570
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,120
‎“不行，青蛙巧克力滾開”

571
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,200
‎我走去冷凍櫃

572
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:44,160
‎打開冰箱門，你們知道我選了什麼？

573
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:46,160
‎Magnum雪糕

574
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:47,960
‎天啊

575
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:50,600
‎Magnum，我不管別人怎麼說

576
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:54,640
‎Magnum是你能買到最頂級的冰淇淋

577
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,960
‎有精緻的鋁箔，裝在充氣的密封袋

578
00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,400
‎連吃Magnum的方式都不一樣

579
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,360
‎我繞路回家，細細品嘗這支雪糕

580
00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:05,520
‎轉到側面，啃著邊邊

581
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,200
‎要這樣開始才對，從側邊開始啃

582
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:12,440
‎就是這樣，你在啃邊緣時

583
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:15,240
‎轉向這邊，懂嗎？

584
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:17,280
‎剝下左邊的這塊

585
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,280
‎讓巧克力碎片黏在冰淇淋上

586
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:23,160
‎把這些巧克力片拿下來吃掉

587
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:25,840
‎你們猜怎麼著？聽好了

588
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:28,560
‎右邊還有另一片巧克力

589
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:30,680
‎黏在冰淇淋上

590
00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:33,080
‎一樣拿下來，吃掉，享受巧克力

591
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,120
‎吞下滑順爽口的冰淇淋

592
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:41,800
‎正當你以為雪糕吃完時
‎其實還沒有，知道為什麼嗎？

593
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:45,920
‎在木棍下面還有小小的巧克力塊

594
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:47,840
‎天啊

595
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:49,040
‎好好享受

596
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,440
‎好吃到你會連木棍都吃下去

597
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:58,760
‎回到家覺得自己充滿活力

598
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,400
‎“媽，這給妳，我幫妳買好了”

599
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:03,280
‎我媽看著我開始笑了出來

600
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:08,520
‎“好吧”

601
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:12,320
‎“好，你很好笑，我知道了”

602
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:14,160
‎我看著她

603
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,160
‎“真的，我有一天可能會當諧星”

604
00:30:18,640 --> 00:30:20,440
‎“有什麼好笑的？好”

605
00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:24,360
‎後來我發現只要我媽生氣，她就會笑

606
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:26,560
‎但我覺得當下真的很好笑

607
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:28,960
‎因為你會看到我媽的怒氣開始上升

608
00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:30,600
‎“好”

609
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:33,440
‎“好，我給你五英鎊拿去買東西

610
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:34,680
‎結果你買這個給我？”

611
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:38,520
‎“好喔，你一定是把我當成

612
00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:39,880
‎他媽的白痴”

613
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,920
‎“所以你是說你買了該死的米穀片？”

614
00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:48,120
‎“你是要跟我說這個？
‎我叫你去買什麼？”

615
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:50,400
‎“我叫你買米跟穀片當早餐

616
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:52,680
‎結果你買米穀片回來”

617
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:54,920
‎“等一下，我問你”

618
00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:56,480
‎“我問你一件事”

619
00:30:56,560 --> 00:31:00,000
‎“昨晚我在調味晚餐要吃的雞肉”

620
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:01,560
‎“雞肉要配什麼？”

621
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:05,400
‎“看著我的臉跟我說要配什麼”

622
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:12,560
‎“我們或許是要配

623
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:15,120
‎米穀片？”

624
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:16,600
‎“好，我說真的

625
00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:19,320
‎我今天去坐牢
‎會是因為宰了你們這些小鬼

626
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:22,600
‎“我今天會因為這些死小鬼而去坐牢”

627
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:25,040
‎“我好生氣，對你很失望”

628
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:26,440
‎“找的錢呢？”

629
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:34,400
‎“我不知道在哪…”

630
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:37,640
‎“我不知道，媽，我不知道在哪”

631
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:41,800
‎正當你被拷問時
‎你知道誰會想參一腳嗎？

632
00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:44,720
‎你的弟妹會想要參一腳

633
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:48,600
‎你不跟媽媽要東西時
‎他們就會跑出來要東西

634
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:52,080
‎我們知道訣竅在於
‎趁媽媽講電話時要東西

635
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:53,680
‎不是在她爆怒時

636
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:56,680
‎但你的弟妹蹦蹦跳跳地進來

637
00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:59,440
‎“哈囉，媽咪，嗨，媽咪，天啊”

638
00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:03,400
‎“哈囉，米穀片，哈囉，佩佩豬
‎媽媽，我可以吃米穀片嗎？”

639
00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:05,440
‎“你們這些小鬼最好消失在我眼前

640
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,880
‎不然等下你們就會
‎被霹靂啪啦炸成穀片，滾”

641
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:10,360
‎“快消失在我眼前”

642
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:13,000
‎“你們每個小孩我都不喜歡
‎快點消失”

643
00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:15,560
‎你還要安慰你的弟妹

644
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:18,920
‎“沒關係，你放心
‎媽媽很愛你，沒事的”

645
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:22,920
‎弟妹哭著說：“我什麼都沒做”

646
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:27,760
‎“你不該加入戰局的
‎為什麼要加入？”

647
00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:29,160
‎“每次都要參一腳”

648
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:33,760
‎“我只是想吃米…

649
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:37,240
‎穀片”

650
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:40,680
‎“為什麼要加入？每次都要扯上邊耶”

651
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:43,360
‎“你是被領養的，你知道嗎？”

652
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:47,040
‎“我才不是”

653
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,600
‎大家都是這樣對弟妹的
‎“是真的，你看他的腳趾”

654
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,280
‎“好嚇人，你看他的腳趾”

655
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:56,480
‎“不是”

656
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:57,560
‎“我們沒有腳趾”

657
00:32:57,640 --> 00:32:59,040
‎“才怪，我們有”

658
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:05,760
‎但後來我得搬出去

659
00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:09,080
‎最後跟我女友同居
‎那本身是一種體驗

660
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:12,080
‎因為同居才是感情真正的考驗

661
00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:14,480
‎你們這些還在蜜月期的混蛋

662
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:16,120
‎你們才不懂真正的感情

663
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,160
‎因為你們有一起去度假？
‎沒有，你們不了解彼此

664
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:21,320
‎住在一起時才是真正了解彼此

665
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,160
‎例如室內設計

666
00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:25,640
‎男士們，想得美，你什麼都沒辦法買

667
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:27,600
‎女人熱愛室內設計

668
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:29,480
‎在她們心中
‎自己就是室內設計主持人

669
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,480
‎你們釘圖軟體裡都有自己夢想房屋

670
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:39,440
‎那你們知道女人真正要什麼？
‎我跟你們說，她們要廚房

671
00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:41,880
‎不是隨便的廚房，是有中島的那種

672
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:43,280
‎這就是她們要的

673
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:44,800
‎沒錯

674
00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:48,000
‎你看她們多興奮

675
00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:52,680
‎什麼，要有大理石檯面？靠

676
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:55,720
‎你早上出門上班時

677
00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:57,640
‎她們會欣喜迎接你起床

678
00:33:58,160 --> 00:33:59,000
‎“有早餐”

679
00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,840
‎男性同胞們
‎你們知道自己唯一的角色嗎？

680
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:07,240
‎你們唯一的角色就是倒垃圾，就這樣

681
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:09,120
‎去倒垃圾

682
00:34:09,199 --> 00:34:12,320
‎有時候你會想把這工作丟給女人

683
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,719
‎“我不想去倒垃圾，妳去啦”

684
00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:16,960
‎“我？去倒垃圾？”

685
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:18,679
‎“不行，我可能會被人殺害”

686
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:20,040
‎“被人殺害？”

687
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:23,040
‎“誰會殺妳？垃圾殺人魔？”

688
00:34:25,159 --> 00:34:29,080
‎還有在家裡
‎各位女性，別再做這件事了

689
00:34:29,159 --> 00:34:30,360
‎晚上別再這樣了

690
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:33,320
‎妳們講了三小時的電話

691
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:35,040
‎妳們放下手機

692
00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:38,560
‎我們一定要一起放下

693
00:34:38,639 --> 00:34:39,880
‎不行這樣

694
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:42,320
‎我才不管，別鬧了

695
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:44,960
‎我才不管，我就知道你會上來

696
00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:47,239
‎來，快起來，快點，兄弟

697
00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:49,480
‎來吧，老兄，我才不管

698
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:55,159
‎剛才好尷尬，最後一位女生很無奈

699
00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:01,520
‎他就在旁邊…
‎“這是你的想法是嗎？好喔”

700
00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:06,280
‎抱歉我給你惹上麻煩了，真對不起

701
00:35:07,040 --> 00:35:11,200
‎你很開心，“沒錯，每次都這樣”

702
00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,240
‎重點在於溝通

703
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,760
‎良好的溝通就會有深厚的感情

704
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,920
‎因為現在人人都想出門

705
00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:23,160
‎封城後的鬱悶讓人想回歸正常

706
00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:26,400
‎我們想出去跑趴、跑夜店
‎做我們喜歡做的事

707
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:27,840
‎我們連溝通都省了

708
00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:31,280
‎我有些藍領白人朋友
‎他們隨時想出去都行

709
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:32,600
‎我有時候很嫉妒

710
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,440
‎他們的情況是
‎“聽著，史黛絲，我要出去，走開”

711
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:38,800
‎他們就這樣在週六早上十點出門了

712
00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:40,880
‎跟同伴們吃肥滋滋的早餐

713
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:43,240
‎12點時，他們去簽賭

714
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:47,040
‎他們會小賭一下
‎不是賭大的，小玩50便士

715
00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:49,520
‎50便士，玩多重彩

716
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:52,720
‎在一天之內買20隊伍會贏

717
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:54,840
‎有一支隊伍會讓他們失望

718
00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:58,280
‎“該死，托特納姆熱刺隊
‎每次都是托特納姆，氣死人”

719
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:03,760
‎然後大家約在酒吧見面
‎樂趣就此開始

720
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,920
‎所有人看到彼此開始打招呼

721
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:10,160
‎藍領白人是我唯一見過
‎一進門就開罵的

722
00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:13,480
‎“怎麼樣啊？靠咧
‎狄諾，過得好嗎？你這肥豬”

723
00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:17,880
‎大家開始打他的肚子，叫他胖子

724
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:20,760
‎我跟你們說一件事

725
00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:23,800
‎黑人圈是不會互相羞辱的，絕不會

726
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:25,320
‎不可能，什麼，進門就開始？

727
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:26,720
‎“繼續，你說什麼？”

728
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:29,720
‎“得了濕疹的泰隆就是讚
‎你說什麼，兄弟？

729
00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:35,440
‎“兄弟，別這樣
‎幹嘛說到我皮很乾的膝蓋？”

730
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:36,760
‎“以後別這樣了，老表”

731
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:40,080
‎“我會用皮膚軟膏打你，以後別這樣”

732
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:45,640
‎然後所有人都到了

733
00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:48,760
‎你會看到藍領白人都喝同一種飲料

734
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:52,440
‎“你在喝什麼？啤酒？
‎點啤酒給他，要他喝

735
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:55,080
‎有個人不喝酒，小李
‎“你在喝什麼，小李？”

736
00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:59,000
‎“我沒喝酒，老友
‎我現在要改邪歸正”

737
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:02,080
‎“我有去戒酒會，對我的身心都很好

738
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:03,200
‎正在經歷痛苦歷程”

739
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:04,560
‎“你在喝什麼？”

740
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:05,560
‎“蔓越莓汁”

741
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:06,880
‎蔓越莓汁？

742
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:08,760
‎“你大姨媽來？”

743
00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:09,720
‎快拿啤酒給他

744
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:11,880
‎”哭什麼”

745
00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:14,720
‎“快他媽拿啤酒給他”

746
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:18,080
‎大家齊聚一堂，玩得很愉快

747
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:19,640
‎無拘無束

748
00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:23,520
‎他們很多人從事勞力工作
‎建築業，甚至還有木工

749
00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,000
‎你們也知道這些人

750
00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:28,360
‎高壓緊繃的工作，他們此刻放鬆下來

751
00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:31,840
‎因為這些人格外繁忙忙
‎他們總是開著貨車塞在車陣中

752
00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:33,600
‎跟騎腳踏車的人起爭執

753
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:38,200
‎“別騎在路上
‎不然我就打斷你的腿，小子”

754
00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:40,720
‎我喜歡中產階級騎自行車的人
‎知道原因嗎？

755
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:44,600
‎他們不會罵髒話，只會說
‎“你為什麼不閉上你的嘴？”

756
00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:49,920
‎“閉嘴，我會打斷你的腿”
‎“你不會，因為我有攝影機”

757
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,360
‎攝影機會把你拍下來

758
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,000
‎“你上鏡頭了”

759
00:37:58,520 --> 00:38:00,040
‎“離我遠一點！”

760
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:04,960
‎“算你好運有攝影機
‎不然我會打斷你的腿”

761
00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:08,600
‎只有我這樣嗎？不可能只有我

762
00:38:08,680 --> 00:38:11,120
‎有看過騎腳踏車停紅燈

763
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:13,720
‎衝到前面的那種人嗎？
‎那些自大的混蛋

764
00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:17,560
‎他們不把腳放下來平衡
‎靠坐在上面搖晃平衡，看過嗎？

765
00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:19,200
‎就靠輪子，只有…

766
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:23,880
‎等燈號轉綠，這些人真他媽的

767
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:29,440
‎現在差不多六點了
‎記住，這些人早上十點就出門了

768
00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:31,520
‎他開始累了

769
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:33,760
‎開始思考他是否該回家了

770
00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:38,160
‎“老友，今天應該收尾了
‎不行，我累壞了”

771
00:38:38,240 --> 00:38:42,200
‎“對，我要慢下來，過慢活人生”

772
00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:45,760
‎“陪陪兒子，亞契，對，陪陪他”

773
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:50,640
‎“他才六歲，但我跟你說
‎等他長大就會去切爾西足球隊踢球”

774
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:52,800
‎“非常厲害”

775
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:55,600
‎“我應該要回家陪陪太太”

776
00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:59,520
‎“我該回家了，今晚就先到這了吧”

777
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:00,840
‎他們只需要來一杯

778
00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:02,720
‎“什麼？我喝杯啤酒”

779
00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:14,640
‎這些人開始找夜店裡的所有人聊天

780
00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:16,480
‎瞪大雙眼

781
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:18,640
‎我跟三個黑人在聊自己的事

782
00:39:18,720 --> 00:39:22,760
‎“怎麼了？我不認識你
‎你不認識我，我是正常人”

783
00:39:22,840 --> 00:39:25,080
‎“我不知道這是怎麼回事”

784
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,600
‎“你不認識我，晚安，我不認識你”

785
00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:29,280
‎“我他媽愛你，保重”

786
00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:30,520
‎然後他們就親了你

787
00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:34,280
‎他們無緣無故親你

788
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:38,680
‎我跟藍領白人的朋友說

789
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:42,880
‎“你們每次晚上出去，好像玩得很瘋”

790
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:46,320
‎“你們的頂級之夜是什麼？”
‎“我來告訴你什麼叫頂級之夜”

791
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:48,720
‎“想知道頂級之夜嗎？捲入一場混戰”

792
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:50,920
‎我說：“什麼？是打架嗎？”

793
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:53,040
‎他們說：“最愛捲入糾紛”

794
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:54,600
‎這就是我喜歡藍領的原因

795
00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:57,120
‎他們打架時，不用多說話

796
00:39:57,200 --> 00:39:58,520
‎“你怎樣？想惹事？”

797
00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:00,000
‎碰，頭槌攻擊

798
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:02,800
‎直接頭槌攻擊，架就打完了

799
00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:06,720
‎崔西說：“別管啦，老是打架”

800
00:40:06,800 --> 00:40:09,480
‎“住手，操你媽的，戴夫”

801
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,280
‎“閉嘴，快上計程車，別說了”

802
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:14,720
‎就這樣，架打完了

803
00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:19,040
‎但他們星期一早上會去工地
‎大肆吹噓這場架

804
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,920
‎藍領白人會說出
‎你這輩子聽過最精彩的打架故事

805
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:27,280
‎“那個200多公分
‎像安東尼約書亞的賤人挑釁我

806
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:28,400
‎他挑釁我”

807
00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:30,920
‎“他已經揮拳了
‎我使出《駭客任務》的招式”

808
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:33,840
‎“你這人渣，直衝而來”

809
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:35,800
‎“碰，頭槌他，我說真的”

810
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:37,960
‎“我頭槌他，我以祖母的墳發誓”

811
00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:42,120
‎“我說真的，他的鼻子掉下來，
‎我發誓，真的掉下來”

812
00:40:42,720 --> 00:40:44,680
‎“小李還拿來踢著玩”

813
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:45,680
‎“他的鼻子掉了”

814
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:48,520
‎我用祖母的墳發誓
‎我不會拿這開玩笑的吧？

815
00:40:52,320 --> 00:40:53,840
‎差別在於，在黑人圈

816
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:57,080
‎我們根本不喜歡打架
‎大家肯定看過開打前的情況

817
00:40:57,160 --> 00:41:00,320
‎有個人在問大家問題
‎偏偏跳過要跟他打架的那個人

818
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:02,080
‎“什麼？這傢伙瘋了嗎？”

819
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,320
‎“快跟這傢伙說，因為我要抓狂了”

820
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:09,000
‎“這傢伙是誰？快跟我朋友說話”

821
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:10,520
‎“他知道我是何方神聖嗎？”

822
00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:17,000
‎連香黛兒都加入了
‎因為她兩邊都認識

823
00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:20,680
‎“你們為什麼老是要打架？每次耶”

824
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,400
‎“好好過一晚也不行
‎你們老是想打架”

825
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:26,120
‎“不行，你們很沒用，要會忍耐啊”

826
00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:32,760
‎不過香黛兒會加入混戰

827
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:34,520
‎香黛兒會挺她的男人

828
00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:36,280
‎你一定看過打完架的香黛兒

829
00:41:36,360 --> 00:41:38,040
‎腳上穿著一隻鞋，另一隻掉了

830
00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:42,280
‎“我的手機呢？”

831
00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:45,680
‎“我要手機，我找不到我的手機”

832
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:48,120
‎露出一邊的奶子

833
00:41:48,720 --> 00:41:50,600
‎“我要我的手機”

834
00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:53,160
‎“怎樣？你看什麼看？”

835
00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:55,120
‎“怎樣啦？”

836
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:57,160
‎然後她會用上牙買加口音

837
00:41:57,240 --> 00:41:59,760
‎“你看什麼看？我也可以耍狠”

838
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:01,480
‎“怎樣？”

839
00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:05,840
‎男生只會在一旁說

840
00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:09,240
‎“我在看那顆奶子
‎真心不騙，我在看奶子”

841
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:11,360
‎“你也在看她的奶子？
‎我也是，我也在看”

842
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:13,640
‎總是有一個色胚朋友

843
00:42:13,720 --> 00:42:16,200
‎“我說真的
‎我現在就會去吸那顆奶子”

844
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:21,040
‎就算是我，我不喜歡打架，從來都不

845
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:23,800
‎我從不打架，我喜歡說是防衛

846
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:27,840
‎我找到方法在各種混戰中保護自己

847
00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:30,520
‎好比說，我的手腕很細

848
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:33,800
‎細手腕對我來說是危機

849
00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:35,720
‎要是有人抓住我的手腕，那就完了

850
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:37,360
‎所以大家知道我每天會做什麼？

851
00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:40,320
‎我一定會在手臂上擦乳液

852
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:42,000
‎以防有人抓住我

853
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:44,200
‎我可以把手抽走，叫對方別碰我

854
00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:48,200
‎“別碰我滑嫩的手腕，滾遠一點”

855
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:49,240
‎“好大的膽子”

856
00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:53,760
‎但就算是以前，我也不喜歡打架

857
00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:57,120
‎我們以前會以饒舌比賽來分高下

858
00:42:57,200 --> 00:42:59,480
‎我們會去青年俱樂部一較高下

859
00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:02,440
‎我們的老師會這樣說
‎“不行，打架？管他的”

860
00:43:02,520 --> 00:43:03,560
‎“來場饒舌就好”

861
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:06,520
‎我們就是這樣
‎在青年俱樂部問候彼此的老母

862
00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:09,560
‎我帶你們回到以前青年俱樂部的情景

863
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:11,000
‎我要把現場觀眾分為兩半

864
00:43:11,080 --> 00:43:13,160
‎你們是左邊

865
00:43:13,240 --> 00:43:16,280
‎我要給你們激戰用的一個詞
‎你們要說：“好的”

866
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:17,560
‎試試看，來吧

867
00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:18,800
‎一、二、三

868
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:19,840
‎好的

869
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:20,880
‎好的，還不錯

870
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,120
‎你的聲音很深沉，天啊，老兄

871
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:24,200
‎“好的”

872
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:28,760
‎好的，右邊，你們是右邊

873
00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:31,160
‎在右邊的各位

874
00:43:31,240 --> 00:43:33,520
‎你們的詞是

875
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:35,400
‎“豬頭”，這樣行嗎？

876
00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:38,720
‎好，太好了，看他們講話的樣子

877
00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:42,240
‎“我覺得可以
‎我們不用練習，這個詞我超熟”

878
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:44,320
‎好的

879
00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:46,920
‎DJ，請下音樂

880
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:47,880
‎好

881
00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:49,400
‎好

882
00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:52,600
‎我指到你就換你，先從左邊開始

883
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:55,000
‎好，讓我跟左邊說

884
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:57,000
‎-大家說…
‎-好的

885
00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:58,400
‎讓我跟左邊說

886
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:00,200
‎-齊聲說…
‎-好的

887
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:01,720
‎讓我跟右邊說

888
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:03,960
‎-我們叫左邊…
‎-豬頭

889
00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:05,920
‎讓我跟右邊說，我們叫左邊…

890
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:07,440
‎豬頭

891
00:44:15,440 --> 00:44:17,640
‎右邊的人等了一輩子

892
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,240
‎罵出這聲“豬頭”

893
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:25,480
‎看看中間的壞蛋
‎“老子應該是這邊的，所以囉”

894
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:27,640
‎看看左邊，氣炸了

895
00:44:27,720 --> 00:44:29,400
‎“我們可以換別的嗎？”

896
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:32,840
‎好，我要給左邊更好的

897
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:34,000
‎你們的新詞是

898
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:36,360
‎“廢物”，可以嗎？

899
00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:37,880
‎-可以
‎-可以嗎？

900
00:44:37,960 --> 00:44:39,080
‎你們要發自內心說

901
00:44:39,160 --> 00:44:42,440
‎如果要比手勢的話也行

902
00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:44,640
‎好，右邊的，怎麼樣？

903
00:44:44,720 --> 00:44:46,840
‎他們覺得自己一比零領先

904
00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:50,120
‎右邊的，你們升級了

905
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,800
‎右邊的詞會是

906
00:44:53,800 --> 00:44:54,720
‎“小孬孬”

907
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:00,600
‎大家反應好熱烈

908
00:45:01,320 --> 00:45:04,880
‎好，DJ，請下音樂

909
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:07,440
‎讓我跟左邊說，我們叫右邊…

910
00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:08,960
‎廢物

911
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:10,920
‎讓我跟左邊說，我們叫右邊…

912
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:12,000
‎廢物

913
00:45:12,080 --> 00:45:14,240
‎讓我跟右邊說，我們叫他們…

914
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:16,160
‎小孬孬

915
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:29,600
‎不行

916
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:33,560
‎你們有看到他們的嘴唇嗎？
‎右邊大家的嘴唇都在準備

917
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:39,280
‎你們有些人要爆炸了

918
00:45:40,320 --> 00:45:43,080
‎那邊60歲的芭芭拉大喊：“小孬孬”

919
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:47,120
‎“罵出來，他們沒抓對拍子”

920
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:51,920
‎左邊，好

921
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:54,320
‎好，我現在呢，我會很公平

922
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:57,920
‎你們有想到要用哪個詞嗎？

923
00:45:58,000 --> 00:45:58,840
‎有嗎？

924
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:02,200
‎“混蛋”

925
00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:05,440
‎好，你們醒了

926
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:07,680
‎謝謝左邊的過來，終於啊

927
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:11,560
‎看看中間的牆頭草
‎“對，我現在好像在這邊了”

928
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:14,200
‎好，你們說：“混蛋”

929
00:46:14,720 --> 00:46:16,280
‎很好

930
00:46:16,360 --> 00:46:18,560
‎怎麼樣？很好，太好了

931
00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:20,880
‎各位，你們現在到了三級

932
00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:22,520
‎我來跟說你們的詞

933
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:24,720
‎我要打開我的保險箱

934
00:46:24,800 --> 00:46:26,880
‎好了，我們要很老派

935
00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:28,160
‎天啊

936
00:46:28,240 --> 00:46:30,600
‎知道右邊是什麼嗎？天啊

937
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:33,240
‎你們中大獎了，知道你們拿到什麼？

938
00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:34,400
‎“吸你老母”

939
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:38,480
‎天啊

940
00:46:39,160 --> 00:46:40,640
‎耐心是美德

941
00:46:40,720 --> 00:46:41,960
‎就是這樣

942
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:43,840
‎天啊

943
00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:46,560
‎“混蛋”對上“吸你老母”

944
00:46:47,240 --> 00:46:48,720
‎天啊

945
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:52,240
‎DJ，最後一次下音樂

946
00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:53,160
‎好

947
00:46:53,720 --> 00:46:54,840
‎讓我跟左邊說

948
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:56,960
‎-我們叫右邊的…
‎-混蛋

949
00:46:57,040 --> 00:46:58,960
‎讓我跟左邊說，我們叫右邊的…

950
00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:00,200
‎混蛋

951
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:02,440
‎讓我跟右邊說，我們叫他們…

952
00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,440
‎吸你老母

953
00:47:14,480 --> 00:47:17,000
‎這傢伙站起來的氣勢
‎彷彿這一切是他帶頭的

954
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:22,640
‎我不曉得我們怎麼講到這的
‎我其實要說的是

955
00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:25,360
‎各位男性同胞，想出門就出門吧

956
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:29,400
‎少在週四晚，坐在家裡那口子身邊時

957
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:31,120
‎裝失憶說

958
00:47:31,920 --> 00:47:33,960
‎“對了，寶貝，妳知道嗎？”

959
00:47:34,600 --> 00:47:36,560
‎“我剛發現

960
00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:39,120
‎我星期六要出門，妳知道嗎？”

961
00:47:39,200 --> 00:47:40,160
‎“對”

962
00:47:40,720 --> 00:47:43,720
‎因為在這當下，你家那口子很火大

963
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:46,600
‎“這樣很好，對你真的很好”

964
00:47:46,680 --> 00:47:48,880
‎“太好了，你什麼都沒提過”

965
00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:51,760
‎各位，然後我們裝作
‎自己不想出門，對吧？

966
00:47:52,360 --> 00:47:56,200
‎“對，我沒騙妳
‎我連自己想不想去都不知道”

967
00:47:56,280 --> 00:47:58,560
‎“對，我也不確定，妳知道嗎？”

968
00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:00,920
‎你家那口子也會測試你

969
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:03,040
‎“對，我不知道自己想不想去”

970
00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:04,600
‎“也許你該陪我”

971
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:07,440
‎“我們叫中菜來吃
‎然後看電影版《慾望城市》”

972
00:48:08,760 --> 00:48:12,800
‎“對，我可能該出門，寶貝”

973
00:48:13,680 --> 00:48:18,520
‎星期六到了，各位，你感覺找回自我

974
00:48:18,600 --> 00:48:20,440
‎不是嗎？你在浴室裡

975
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:23,480
‎在洗手台播音樂，追求回音震動

976
00:48:24,240 --> 00:48:26,480
‎看著鏡子，感覺很好

977
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:29,600
‎你看著鏡子想說：“什麼？你最行”

978
00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:34,480
‎“什麼？”
‎鏡子還說：“不，老兄，你最行”

979
00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:39,800
‎你家那口子很火
‎她坐在沙發，臉上敷著乳霜

980
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:42,720
‎“你最行”

981
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:45,200
‎“你最行”

982
00:48:45,280 --> 00:48:46,840
‎她很火大

983
00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:48,280
‎你正要出門

984
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:50,560
‎“兄弟，你在外面了？”

985
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:53,720
‎“好，我帶檸檬水做調酒”

986
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:55,720
‎突然聽到：“不行拿走檸檬水”

987
00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:58,800
‎“那是我的，我今晚要自己喝的”

988
00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:03,520
‎“親愛的，那東西在冰箱四週了”

989
00:49:03,600 --> 00:49:06,680
‎“對，因為你不在
‎我今晚要自己喝掉”

990
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:10,080
‎各位男性，家裡那口子有這種感受時

991
00:49:10,160 --> 00:49:13,320
‎出門吧，好好放飛自我
‎但你們都怎麼做？

992
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:16,320
‎你們想知道哪邊出錯了
‎不是嗎，各位？你想好好問

993
00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:17,960
‎“親愛的，怎麼啦？”

994
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:20,080
‎“妳好像心情不太好”

995
00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:23,440
‎“妳怎麼了嗎？
‎我要出門了，妳怎麼了？”

996
00:49:23,520 --> 00:49:24,720
‎“沒有，我很好”

997
00:49:24,800 --> 00:49:27,480
‎“我一個人會很開心，所以我很好”

998
00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:30,640
‎“我看得出來妳不好，妳怎麼了？”

999
00:49:30,720 --> 00:49:33,640
‎“不好意思，你在吼怎樣的？”

1000
00:49:33,720 --> 00:49:35,560
‎“你幹嘛大吼大叫？”

1001
00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:37,320
‎各位，你們不曉得自己有沒有大吼

1002
00:49:37,400 --> 00:49:39,280
‎“什麼？我有嗎？我沒有啊”

1003
00:49:40,040 --> 00:49:41,600
‎“妳在說什麼？”

1004
00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:43,920
‎“寶貝，妳好像心情不太好”

1005
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:46,920
‎“我要跟朋友出去，妳好像氣炸了”

1006
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:49,560
‎“什麼意思？
‎我心情不好，你還要出去？”

1007
00:49:49,640 --> 00:49:51,840
‎“不行，別想操縱我，你為什麼要…”

1008
00:49:51,920 --> 00:49:55,840
‎“你這行為就叫煤氣燈操縱
‎你就是這樣”

1009
00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:58,640
‎抱歉，女人
‎妳們去哪找到這個用語的？

1010
00:49:59,920 --> 00:50:02,280
‎“煤氣燈操縱”
‎我們男性壓根不懂這意思

1011
00:50:02,360 --> 00:50:04,840
‎“什麼煤氣燈操縱？要點煤氣？”

1012
00:50:05,720 --> 00:50:08,840
‎“等一下，我點煤氣，妳會著火？”

1013
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:11,400
‎“我不明白
‎我們要幫英國煤氣公司做什麼嗎？”

1014
00:50:11,480 --> 00:50:13,640
‎“我為什麼要點燃煤氣？我不明白”

1015
00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:17,840
‎然後女人會丟出她們最愛用的句子

1016
00:50:17,920 --> 00:50:21,360
‎這句話造成幾世紀以來男性的崩毀

1017
00:50:21,440 --> 00:50:22,840
‎妳們跟這句話很熟

1018
00:50:22,920 --> 00:50:26,240
‎“這樣吧，想做什麼隨便你”

1019
00:50:26,320 --> 00:50:28,120
‎“想做什麼隨便”

1020
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:31,280
‎“我不管，想做什麼就做什麼”

1021
00:50:32,520 --> 00:50:34,360
‎各位男性，千萬不要隨便，這是騙局

1022
00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:36,800
‎千萬不要想做什麼就做

1023
00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:38,320
‎你就跟兄弟出門吧

1024
00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:40,160
‎你也知道跟兄弟在一起

1025
00:50:40,240 --> 00:50:42,520
‎那是不同的氣場，特別是在夜店

1026
00:50:42,600 --> 00:50:45,080
‎一桌十個人，大家都很帥

1027
00:50:45,160 --> 00:50:47,000
‎你看到他們坐著耍帥

1028
00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:49,160
‎夜店播著音樂

1029
00:50:49,680 --> 00:50:51,320
‎大家都在拍照

1030
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:52,920
‎“過來拍照”

1031
00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:02,400
‎連拍照時都要耍帥

1032
00:51:02,480 --> 00:51:05,280
‎提姆的工作跟小孩一起，他是老師

1033
00:51:05,360 --> 00:51:08,480
‎但他跟兄弟在一起時
‎他拍照的氣勢就很猛

1034
00:51:08,560 --> 00:51:10,640
‎你們在IG上看過提姆

1035
00:51:15,840 --> 00:51:18,400
‎下的標題是：“金錢造成痛苦”

1036
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:19,960
‎你在說什麼鬼話？

1037
00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:23,720
‎這群人當中只有一個人很享受

1038
00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:25,720
‎總是有一個很緊繃的朋友，不是嗎？

1039
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:27,680
‎緊繃的朋友，憂心忡忡的樣子

1040
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:30,880
‎“好兄弟，你認識這個人嗎？
‎我幫你在他臉上揍一拳”

1041
00:51:30,960 --> 00:51:32,920
‎“什麼？你幹嘛要往他臉上揍？”

1042
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:35,240
‎“他是服務生，你有什麼事嗎？”

1043
00:51:36,080 --> 00:51:37,440
‎只有一個人在跳舞

1044
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:40,520
‎他在跳新的抖音舞蹈
‎你們看過這些人吧？

1045
00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:51,480
‎他玩得太開心
‎跟一群人不能玩得太開心

1046
00:51:51,560 --> 00:51:53,120
‎“兄弟，別這樣”

1047
00:51:56,320 --> 00:51:57,160
‎結果怎樣？

1048
00:51:57,240 --> 00:51:59,960
‎大家開始上傳IG限時動態

1049
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:03,840
‎各位女性，妳們懂吧？
‎妳們不是會看男生的動態？

1050
00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:08,360
‎所有的兄弟
‎“他說我兄弟把影片傳到限動？

1051
00:52:08,440 --> 00:52:11,920
‎“嘿”

1052
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:14,040
‎“這是我人生中最快樂的時光”

1053
00:52:14,760 --> 00:52:16,960
‎就在你盡情享樂的時候

1054
00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:20,600
‎你家那口子會傳長篇大論的訊息給你

1055
00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:22,240
‎就在你跳舞的時候

1056
00:52:30,880 --> 00:52:33,680
‎你知道簡訊很長時
‎就會出現“繼續閱讀”

1057
00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:43,400
‎現場一堆巫婆在鼓掌
‎“沒錯，我們就是這樣”

1058
00:52:43,480 --> 00:52:45,080
‎“毀了他們的心情”

1059
00:52:46,240 --> 00:52:49,520
‎”各位男性，我們會很氣，對吧？
‎天啊，我們會氣炸

1060
00:52:50,160 --> 00:52:54,320
‎就坐在那，思考人生
‎“不行，我不能再這樣下去了”

1061
00:52:54,400 --> 00:52:56,480
‎“我耶，妳怎麼能這樣對我？”

1062
00:52:56,560 --> 00:52:57,800
‎“不行，兄弟，我耶”

1063
00:52:57,880 --> 00:53:01,000
‎“妳知道我在玩《FIFA》時多厲害？
‎妳居然想這樣對我？”

1064
00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:02,640
‎“這樣不行”

1065
00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:04,520
‎剛拿到麥當勞20塊麥克雞塊

1066
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:06,240
‎你氣炸了

1067
00:53:06,320 --> 00:53:08,520
‎“氣到不想吃了，我很火大”

1068
00:53:09,240 --> 00:53:10,760
‎怎麼了？你知道怎麼了嗎？

1069
00:53:10,840 --> 00:53:14,080
‎你把鑰匙插進門，然後突然間

1070
00:53:14,160 --> 00:53:17,120
‎家裡的女人變身好萊塢演員

1071
00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:19,280
‎因為鑰匙插進門時，妳本來還醒著

1072
00:53:19,360 --> 00:53:20,640
‎但一聽到鑰匙聲…

1073
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:30,680
‎“親愛的”

1074
00:53:32,360 --> 00:53:33,280
‎“親愛的”

1075
00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:37,280
‎“親愛的，妳睡了？”

1076
00:53:44,720 --> 00:53:47,240
‎“對，我在睡覺，沒錯”

1077
00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:50,960
‎“現在幾點了？凌晨三點？”

1078
00:53:52,320 --> 00:53:53,800
‎“你晚上玩得開心吧？”

1079
00:53:55,200 --> 00:53:57,920
‎“對，我今晚玩得很開心
‎我想跟妳聊一下”

1080
00:53:58,000 --> 00:54:01,320
‎“我知道現在有點晚了
‎但我有些話不吐不快”

1081
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:04,280
‎“好，有點晚了，但是

1082
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:07,840
‎好吧，你想說就說吧，怎麼了？”

1083
00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:08,800
‎“怎麼了？”

1084
00:54:08,880 --> 00:54:12,080
‎“其實就是，想也知道

1085
00:54:12,160 --> 00:54:15,360
‎我開趴完買了點宵夜

1086
00:54:15,440 --> 00:54:18,080
‎我在心裡思考了我的感受

1087
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:19,680
‎“不好意思，你剛說什麼？”

1088
00:54:20,320 --> 00:54:22,360
‎“我剛說我在心裡思考”

1089
00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:23,440
‎“不是，前一句”

1090
00:54:23,520 --> 00:54:26,720
‎“我說我回家前買了宵夜…”

1091
00:54:26,800 --> 00:54:29,040
‎“好，就這樣吧，說你要說的”

1092
00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:34,280
‎“基本上呢，我覺得在一段感情中

1093
00:54:34,360 --> 00:54:37,160
‎如果我想出門，就應該能出門

1094
00:54:37,240 --> 00:54:40,120
‎因為說到底，我應該要自由自在
‎而且能隨心所欲”

1095
00:54:40,200 --> 00:54:42,680
‎“好，不好意思喔
‎我可以打斷你嗎？”

1096
00:54:43,240 --> 00:54:45,960
‎“抱歉，可以麻煩你停一下嗎？”

1097
00:54:46,040 --> 00:54:48,200
‎“你聽著，說穿了，我不在乎”

1098
00:54:48,280 --> 00:54:51,520
‎“你要去跟朋友開趴，那又怎樣？
‎我不覺得困擾啊”

1099
00:54:51,600 --> 00:54:54,280
‎“我困擾的是你有的失憶症，你會說

1100
00:54:54,360 --> 00:54:57,000
‎你知道嗎？我不曉得我要出門”

1101
00:54:57,920 --> 00:55:00,800
‎“你長這麼大了
‎你不知道你週六要出門

1102
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:01,920
‎不知道今天週四？”

1103
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:04,880
‎“我很蠢嗎？我不蠢，你懂嗎？”

1104
00:55:04,960 --> 00:55:07,440
‎“我想說的是
‎你要出去，我一點也不在乎”

1105
00:55:07,520 --> 00:55:08,680
‎“因為我不知道…”

1106
00:55:08,760 --> 00:55:11,200
‎“其實呢，隨便啦，你懂吧？”

1107
00:55:12,040 --> 00:55:15,040
‎“因為我們要能像情侶一樣討論

1108
00:55:16,640 --> 00:55:19,120
‎我們要處得來，因為要是處不來

1109
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:21,560
‎我又不想起衝突，然後就是…”

1110
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:25,320
‎“你有拿糖醋醬嗎？”

1111
00:55:25,840 --> 00:55:26,680
‎“好吧”

1112
00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:29,840
‎對，女人會在兩秒內把你捧上天

1113
00:55:29,920 --> 00:55:32,680
‎“我沒騙你，我說真的”

1114
00:55:35,880 --> 00:55:37,760
‎“你今天看起來壯壯的，我沒騙你”

1115
00:55:39,200 --> 00:55:41,280
‎“我不喜歡你這樣壯壯地出門

1116
00:55:41,360 --> 00:55:42,960
‎因為你很清楚你這是在做什麼”

1117
00:55:43,040 --> 00:55:45,000
‎“我有瞎說嗎？你很清楚你在做什麼”

1118
00:55:45,080 --> 00:55:46,000
‎你在做什麼？”

1119
00:55:46,680 --> 00:55:49,520
‎“親愛的，我沒有搞怪…”

1120
00:55:50,160 --> 00:55:52,040
‎“這女的，太蠢了”

1121
00:55:52,120 --> 00:55:54,600
‎“聽著，親我一下，我愛你”

1122
00:55:54,680 --> 00:55:57,400
‎“好，晚安，我愛你”

1123
00:55:57,480 --> 00:55:59,720
‎各位，你上床睡覺的氣場都不同了

1124
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:03,680
‎“對，我他媽說出口了”

1125
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:13,040
‎“好吧”

1126
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:27,000
‎“嘿，親愛的”

1127
00:56:28,560 --> 00:56:30,240
‎“妳在睡覺嗎，親愛的？”

1128
00:56:48,040 --> 00:56:50,360
‎“對，我在睡覺”

1129
00:56:57,640 --> 00:56:59,600
‎那醉後雞塊性愛…

1130
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:03,840
‎我要讚揚女性

1131
00:57:03,920 --> 00:57:06,840
‎妳們想出去隨時都可以，不用問

1132
00:57:07,720 --> 00:57:09,960
‎“寶貝，我要去伊微沙島，下週末見”

1133
00:57:10,040 --> 00:57:11,280
‎碰一聲就消失了

1134
00:57:11,360 --> 00:57:12,200
‎妳就這樣走了

1135
00:57:12,760 --> 00:57:14,920
‎妳們不在意，沒有要徵求同意

1136
00:57:15,000 --> 00:57:15,840
‎這樣就走了

1137
00:57:15,920 --> 00:57:18,800
‎連妳們出去玩樂的方式都變了

1138
00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:20,680
‎妳們不在半夜出去了

1139
00:57:20,760 --> 00:57:22,960
‎新活動是吃早午餐

1140
00:57:23,040 --> 00:57:25,080
‎天啊

1141
00:57:25,160 --> 00:57:27,200
‎女士們，妳們熱愛早午餐

1142
00:57:27,280 --> 00:57:30,520
‎女士，妳吃過早午餐吧？有嗎？

1143
00:57:30,600 --> 00:57:33,840
‎大家看看，“吃過早午餐？
‎明天要吃早午餐”

1144
00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:36,000
‎妳們女人熱愛早午餐

1145
00:57:36,080 --> 00:57:38,520
‎男士們，不知道你們有沒有搞懂情況

1146
00:57:38,600 --> 00:57:41,960
‎因為你們也知道
‎會有15個女生一起去吃早午餐

1147
00:57:42,040 --> 00:57:44,120
‎15個女生，她們都有約好

1148
00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:47,560
‎就算是女生團，一次15個女生

1149
00:57:47,640 --> 00:57:51,160
‎但真正熟的大概只有兩三個

1150
00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:53,400
‎其他的只是別的朋友認識的人

1151
00:57:53,480 --> 00:57:56,520
‎但要有這樣的人數才能有好位置

1152
00:57:56,600 --> 00:57:59,560
‎有些女生四年前跟妳有過節

1153
00:57:59,640 --> 00:58:03,120
‎這個女的甚至不知道
‎妳四年前幫她付過計程車費

1154
00:58:03,200 --> 00:58:04,800
‎每次妳看到她都話中有話

1155
00:58:04,880 --> 00:58:06,240
‎“哈囉，妳好嗎，莎拉？”

1156
00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:08,360
‎“妳順利趕來了，是吧？”

1157
00:58:09,480 --> 00:58:11,080
‎“死賤人，我不喜歡她

1158
00:58:11,160 --> 00:58:12,520
‎我一點也不喜歡她”

1159
00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:15,560
‎“四英鎊耶，這是原則問題”

1160
00:58:17,760 --> 00:58:20,400
‎男士們，你們不了解
‎女性去吃早午餐時

1161
00:58:20,480 --> 00:58:23,760
‎重點在於他們拍的照
‎女士們，妳們對拍照很瘋狂

1162
00:58:23,840 --> 00:58:25,600
‎擺出怪異的姿勢

1163
00:58:25,680 --> 00:58:29,400
‎這是什麼姿勢？
‎妳站在這，一隻腳翹在這？

1164
00:58:30,200 --> 00:58:33,320
‎妳是在踢自由球？
‎球星羅納度？這是怎樣？

1165
00:58:35,480 --> 00:58:37,320
‎但女生對照片中的自己很瘋狂

1166
00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:38,920
‎她們真的很狂熱

1167
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:40,680
‎“寶貝，拍張照”，這樣她們就瘋了

1168
00:58:46,880 --> 00:58:50,120
‎iPhone有一個功能
‎只要一直按著拍照鈕

1169
00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:52,560
‎一次就能拍好一萬張照片

1170
00:58:52,640 --> 00:58:55,880
‎“移動，移動到光線裡，動起來
‎接著你會看到她…

1171
00:59:01,480 --> 00:59:02,960
‎只為了找一張照片

1172
00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:05,640
‎你跟你家那口子坐在計程車裡
‎看那一萬張照片

1173
00:59:05,720 --> 00:59:08,360
‎找出那滿意的那張
‎剪裁後然後加上濾鏡

1174
00:59:08,440 --> 00:59:10,160
‎鮮豔暖色，上傳到IG

1175
00:59:11,200 --> 00:59:13,200
‎你見過其他所有女生

1176
00:59:13,280 --> 00:59:14,480
‎所有女生都連上了

1177
00:59:14,560 --> 00:59:16,240
‎“不要比我先進去，等我”

1178
00:59:16,320 --> 00:59:17,440
‎先等我，妳們都會合了

1179
00:59:17,520 --> 00:59:19,920
‎“妳好，親愛的，妳好嗎？”

1180
00:59:20,840 --> 00:59:22,760
‎“哈囉，寶貝，我愛妳”

1181
00:59:22,840 --> 00:59:24,120
‎“哈囉，妳好嗎？”

1182
00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:25,760
‎“莎拉，賤人”

1183
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:29,520
‎“嗨唷，哈囉，妳好嗎？”

1184
00:59:29,600 --> 00:59:30,480
‎“怎麼樣？嗨唷”

1185
00:59:30,560 --> 00:59:32,840
‎“嗨唷”

1186
00:59:33,840 --> 00:59:35,120
‎女生好喜歡說：“嗨唷”

1187
00:59:35,200 --> 00:59:37,960
‎男士們，我們不能用“嗨唷”
‎這不是我們能用的

1188
00:59:38,040 --> 00:59:40,520
‎我們沒有說“嗨唷”的聲線

1189
00:59:40,600 --> 00:59:42,280
‎你能想像你跟兄弟們打招呼說

1190
00:59:42,360 --> 00:59:46,160
‎“怎麼樣，蓋瑞？嗨唷”

1191
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:52,360
‎所有女生都在，一桌坐了15個女生

1192
00:59:52,880 --> 00:59:54,840
‎你喝醉時，照片就變了

1193
00:59:54,920 --> 00:59:56,680
‎“快點，姊妹們，來拍循環限動”

1194
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:58,440
‎“我們來拍循環限動”

1195
00:59:58,520 --> 01:00:00,520
‎妳都要拍IG循環限動了

1196
01:00:00,600 --> 01:00:02,560
‎為什麼還要做出限動的循環動作？

1197
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:05,320
‎“我們來拍循環限動
‎準備好沒？一、二、三”

1198
01:00:08,600 --> 01:00:10,880
‎有些女生根本還沒準備要拍循環限動

1199
01:00:10,960 --> 01:00:13,080
‎她們只是妳循環限動裡的背景

1200
01:00:18,800 --> 01:00:20,280
‎“我看起來好醜，別上傳IG”

1201
01:00:20,360 --> 01:00:21,680
‎“我上傳了，已經在上面了

1202
01:00:21,760 --> 01:00:23,600
‎已經在IG上面了”

1203
01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:27,760
‎然後妳們就準備好喝酒了吧？

1204
01:00:27,840 --> 01:00:29,040
‎現在妳喝醉了

1205
01:00:29,120 --> 01:00:30,600
‎女士們，知道會怎樣嗎？

1206
01:00:30,680 --> 01:00:34,200
‎喝醉時，妳們會變得很煩人

1207
01:00:34,280 --> 01:00:35,320
‎妳們有注意到嗎？

1208
01:00:35,400 --> 01:00:36,760
‎我覺得妳們沒注意到

1209
01:00:36,840 --> 01:00:39,680
‎妳們變得很煩人

1210
01:00:39,760 --> 01:00:43,320
‎當妳們喝醉，變得很煩人
‎還要繼續喝的時候

1211
01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:46,520
‎妳們會想做什麼？
‎會想繼續喝下去嗎？

1212
01:00:46,600 --> 01:00:49,760
‎不會，妳們會想關心我們

1213
01:00:49,840 --> 01:00:52,360
‎對吧？那是下午，放過我吧

1214
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:55,320
‎我在玩《決勝時刻》，別來煩我

1215
01:00:55,400 --> 01:00:58,280
‎我在下午玩《決勝時刻》，別來煩我

1216
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:00,160
‎我說真的，免費告訴妳們

1217
01:01:00,240 --> 01:01:03,520
‎我們跟兄弟出門時
‎我們是不會想關心妳們

1218
01:01:04,200 --> 01:01:05,760
‎我們不會，就像這樣，男士們

1219
01:01:05,840 --> 01:01:07,480
‎“我要打電話給我太太”

1220
01:01:07,560 --> 01:01:08,840
‎“兄弟，不要這樣”

1221
01:01:10,120 --> 01:01:12,480
‎“為什麼？”
‎“她會很掃興叫你回家”

1222
01:01:12,560 --> 01:01:15,080
‎“好，我不打了”

1223
01:01:15,160 --> 01:01:18,600
‎我下午在跟朋友連線玩《決勝時刻》

1224
01:01:18,680 --> 01:01:20,360
‎跟全球各地的人一起

1225
01:01:20,440 --> 01:01:22,440
‎妳卻在吃早午餐時打給我

1226
01:01:22,520 --> 01:01:25,200
‎醉醺醺還很煩人？

1227
01:01:25,280 --> 01:01:26,840
‎“喂？”

1228
01:01:26,920 --> 01:01:28,600
‎“喂？”

1229
01:01:28,680 --> 01:01:32,120
‎“喂？是那個沒用的老小子嗎？”

1230
01:01:34,800 --> 01:01:36,240
‎“喂？”

1231
01:01:36,320 --> 01:01:41,000
‎“親愛的，我在玩《決勝時刻》”

1232
01:01:41,600 --> 01:01:42,640
‎“怎麼了嗎？”

1233
01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:45,360
‎“你在玩《決勝時刻》，好”

1234
01:01:45,440 --> 01:01:47,200
‎“好，我是阿兵哥”

1235
01:01:47,880 --> 01:01:48,800
‎“好”

1236
01:01:48,880 --> 01:01:50,280
‎“阿兵哥”

1237
01:01:51,600 --> 01:01:54,840
‎“你在做什麼？
‎《決勝時刻》這遊戲在玩什麼？”

1238
01:01:54,920 --> 01:01:57,440
‎“情況如何？發生什麼事？”

1239
01:01:57,520 --> 01:02:00,800
‎“親愛的，我現在不方便說話
‎因為我們快進去古拉格了

1240
01:02:00,880 --> 01:02:02,880
‎所以真的沒辦法說話”

1241
01:02:02,960 --> 01:02:08,040
‎“我要說的是，去他的古拉格”

1242
01:02:08,120 --> 01:02:10,160
‎“好，聽我要說的話”

1243
01:02:10,240 --> 01:02:12,080
‎“我在吃早午餐”

1244
01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:13,920
‎“好”

1245
01:02:17,440 --> 01:02:20,600
‎“普羅賽克氣泡酒害我打嗝
‎妳知道的，錢妮斯”

1246
01:02:22,680 --> 01:02:24,120
‎“聽好了

1247
01:02:24,960 --> 01:02:26,280
‎我在這裡

1248
01:02:26,360 --> 01:02:30,080
‎我不騙你，我有點喝醉了”

1249
01:02:30,160 --> 01:02:32,040
‎“你知道嗎？”

1250
01:02:34,880 --> 01:02:37,800
‎“超棒的”

1251
01:02:38,400 --> 01:02:40,560
‎“那是香檳王…”

1252
01:02:41,360 --> 01:02:44,960
‎“我可以說句話嗎？
‎我有點醉了，你知道嗎？”

1253
01:02:45,040 --> 01:02:47,400
‎“我覺得慾火焚身，你知道的吧？”

1254
01:02:49,320 --> 01:02:52,080
‎“你剛說《決勝時刻》怎樣了？”

1255
01:02:52,160 --> 01:02:55,760
‎“你說什麼？
‎你要從後面上？你要這樣玩？”

1256
01:02:58,400 --> 01:02:59,600
‎“你要這樣玩？”

1257
01:02:59,680 --> 01:03:01,120
‎“我可以等下再打給妳嗎？”

1258
01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:03,960
‎“遊戲快開始，我要進去古拉格了”

1259
01:03:04,040 --> 01:03:05,920
‎“所以你在玩《決勝時刻》？”

1260
01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:09,760
‎“好，沒用的老小子，好喔”

1261
01:03:12,960 --> 01:03:16,440
‎“先別掛，等一下
‎這是小孬孬，掛斷電話”

1262
01:03:17,200 --> 01:03:18,560
‎“死呆子”

1263
01:03:19,520 --> 01:03:21,000
‎“真是個呆子”

1264
01:03:21,960 --> 01:03:23,600
‎然後妳們女生就喝醉了

1265
01:03:23,680 --> 01:03:25,240
‎天啊，妳們喝醉了

1266
01:03:25,320 --> 01:03:29,000
‎即將進入喝茫的境界

1267
01:03:29,080 --> 01:03:32,840
‎有一首歌會讓妳們失去理智

1268
01:03:32,920 --> 01:03:34,960
‎還會拋開束縛

1269
01:03:35,040 --> 01:03:39,640
‎“我的天啊”

1270
01:03:39,720 --> 01:03:41,200
‎“天啊，這是我的歌”

1271
01:03:41,280 --> 01:03:43,680
‎“讓我脫掉高跟鞋，天啊”

1272
01:03:43,760 --> 01:03:45,600
‎“天啊”

1273
01:03:45,680 --> 01:03:48,400
‎“不要，別慫恿我”

1274
01:03:48,480 --> 01:03:49,480
‎“快慫恿我”

1275
01:03:49,560 --> 01:03:50,960
‎“不行，我沒辦法”

1276
01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:53,160
‎“天啊，不行，我喝得好醉”

1277
01:03:53,240 --> 01:03:56,640
‎“天啊，別錄下來
‎偷偷拍就好，知道嗎？”

1278
01:03:56,720 --> 01:03:59,760
‎“天啊，不行，我辦不到”

1279
01:03:59,840 --> 01:04:01,840
‎“天啊，我要唱了”

1280
01:04:04,880 --> 01:04:09,240
‎“太好了”

1281
01:04:09,320 --> 01:04:11,480
‎所有的女孩都在拍她的屁屁

1282
01:04:11,560 --> 01:04:14,120
‎“那是我的婊子”

1283
01:04:14,200 --> 01:04:15,680
‎“我說了，那是我的婊子”

1284
01:04:15,760 --> 01:04:17,400
‎“站在桌上”

1285
01:04:17,480 --> 01:04:19,400
‎“太好了”

1286
01:04:19,480 --> 01:04:21,760
‎然後老闆就出來制止

1287
01:04:21,840 --> 01:04:25,120
‎“快點從桌上下來，快給我下來

1288
01:04:25,200 --> 01:04:27,800
‎不然我們的執照會被吊銷
‎快從桌上下來”

1289
01:04:27,880 --> 01:04:30,960
‎“什麼從桌上下來？
‎你知道我花了多少錢？

1290
01:04:31,040 --> 01:04:32,760
‎你居然要我從桌上下來？”

1291
01:04:32,840 --> 01:04:37,120
‎“這樣吧，吸你老母，小孬孬”

1292
01:04:37,200 --> 01:04:40,600
‎聽好了，我說：“吸你”
‎你們說：“老母”

1293
01:04:40,680 --> 01:04:43,240
‎-吸你…
‎-老母

1294
01:04:43,320 --> 01:04:45,560
‎我說：“吸你”，你們說：“老母”

1295
01:04:45,640 --> 01:04:47,640
‎-吸你…
‎-老母

1296
01:04:47,720 --> 01:04:50,160
‎倫敦，謝謝大家今晚光臨

1297
01:04:53,680 --> 01:04:55,000
‎非常感謝

1298
01:04:57,800 --> 01:05:00,600
‎感激不盡，謝謝大家

1299
01:05:01,120 --> 01:05:04,480
‎這是我最愛的一場演出
‎所以很感謝你們

1300
01:05:04,560 --> 01:05:05,440
‎謝謝

1301
01:05:31,320 --> 01:05:32,160
‎兄弟

1302
01:05:35,120 --> 01:05:40,120
‎字幕翻譯：林佩孜