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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[cheers and applause]
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[upbeat music]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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♪ ♪
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- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome Ian Lara!
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♪ ♪
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- Yes.
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Yes!
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Come on, come on!
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Sit down, sit down, stop!
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Stop, stop, stop.
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Sit down.
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I know some of y'all
looking confused like,
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"Nobody is standing up."
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That's why we did the smoke.
We gonna edit that out in post.
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They gonna have me
in a full standing ovation
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when I come out.
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It's nice to be here, man,
taping my HBO special.
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This is nice.
I'm glad to be doing this.
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[cheers and applause]
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Yeah.
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I wasn't even gonna do this.
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They just through me on
last minute
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'cause I just bought
this jacket,
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and it's the only thing I got
invited to this weekend,
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so it had to happen, you know?
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That's one thing COVID
taught me--
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wear your outfits
as soon as you get them.
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Yeah.
Don't save them.
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You never know when they're
gonna take this away from us.
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You'll be stuck.
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I went into a depression
during the pandemic
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for different reasons,
'cause at first when it hit,
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I was nervous.
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I was like, no, this is crazy.
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We got to stay inside
and stop the spread.
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And then after a couple weeks,
I was like, ooh...
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when am I gonna wear
this peacoat?
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I was ready to come out.
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As soon as things opened up,
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I was outside
in my best outfits.
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I didn't care
what the event was.
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I was overdressed
to everything.
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I swear to God, I was the
flyest nigga at the protests.
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Dressed to the teeth.
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I showed up to loot
in a suede tuxedo.
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Everybody was confused.
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Like, is this nigga
from corporate?
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Why is he stealing a TV
in a suede tuxedo.
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That's not how
you steal electronics.
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He's gonna get hurt.
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I liked the pandemic
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for the break
it gave us from each other.
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I think we needed that,
you know?
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Things was getting out of hand
being on top of each other
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all the time, you know?
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Like, traveling was getting
too annoying for me.
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Not for me.
I like to travel.
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I don't like it
when other people travel.
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I don't.
A lot of new travelers now.
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People start traveling,
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and they think
they better than you.
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And I blame Groupon.
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Groupon had to go and make
every vacation affordable.
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Now you got people
that never left the hood
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flying to Iceland for $175.
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Then they come back
and get cocky with you.
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Now I got to listen to a nigga
with face tats talk
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about the Northern Lights
for three hours.
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They get mad
when you don't understand.
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It's like, "Dude,
don't talk to me about science.
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"There's a Virgin Mary tattooed
on your face.
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Talk to me about that.
I want to learn about that."
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It was too much too fast,
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especially
if you're a real New Yorker.
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Y'all know New Yorkers--
we're not created
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to just go experimenting
all over the world.
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We function here.
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We know the rules
to survive here.
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There's rules to New York City.
It's common sense to us.
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Like, you get on a train,
there's a homeless guy
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in the corner
with a curtain around him,
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you stay out of his apartment.
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That makes sense to us.
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But you can't take a man
used to wearing
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Timberland boots
at the beach...
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and just drop him off
in the middle of Iceland, okay?
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No corner store bodegas,
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nowhere
to get loosie cigarettes.
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It's very dangerous.
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You got to take niggas
out the hood incrementally.
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Take them to Six Flags first.
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See how they behave
at Fright Fest.
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Then we'll talk
about traveling.
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'Cause I travel now, but I had
to learn how to do it.
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I wasn't born with it.
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Like, I didn't know vacations
were supposed to be relaxing.
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Y'all knew that?
I didn't know that.
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My parents were immigrants.
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Immigrant parents don't go
on vacation to relax.
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Immigrant parents use vacation
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like the Scared Straight
program,
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where they take the badass kids
to the prisons.
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That's how they'll treat you.
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They'll take you to the worst
part of their home country...
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to show you what your life
could be like...
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[cheers and applause]
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If you keep fucking up.
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I remember the first time
I went on "vacation"
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with my family--
they just took me to a lake.
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They was like, "That's
where we went to school."
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I was like, "How do you go
to school in a lake?
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It's a lake."
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They was like, "Keep acting up.
You'll find out."
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I learned at a young age
that summer vacation
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was a different experience
for the immigrant kids
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compared
to the white American kids,
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whole family born
and raised here.
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Just culturally,
it was different.
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'Cause the teacher
would quiz us when we got back.
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She'd want to know,
so she'd ask.
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She'd start
with the white kids.
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"Hey, Tucker!
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How was your summer?
What did you learn?"
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And Tucker would have
a beautiful story.
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He'd be like, "Well, me
and my family went to Europe,
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"and we visited
all the museums,
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and we learned all
about the Roman Empire."
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She'd be like, "Wow.
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That's fantastic."
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Then she'd get excited
and ask me,
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"How about you, Ian?
What did you learn?"
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And I'm nine years old like,
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"Well, me and my family went
to the Dominican Republic."
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[cheers and applause]
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"And I learned how
to masturbate
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without electricity, so..."
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They used to send me
to the principal's office.
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I used to get mad like,
"No, I don't know what Tucker
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was doing with his vacation."
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Anybody can masturbate
in Europe.
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That's easy.
That's white privilege.
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Everybody knows that.
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You do it
in a Third World country,
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that builds character.
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That takes determination
and imagination.
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Y'all should have seen
the pictures
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I was painting
at nine years old.
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That's when I knew
I was gonna be an artist.
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I was like,
I think I got what it takes.
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I'm a creative.
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Now I'm 31.
I'm single, not married.
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I see some couples
in here tonight.
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You guys look good.
I like couples.
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I'm trying to be in a couple.
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My own--I don't want
to join your couple.
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You got to be clear
about that now.
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There's people out there being
in a happy relationship,
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then, all of a sudden,
just want other people
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to join their couple.
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There's a word for them.
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They're called--
people that want
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to date multiple partners--
they're, um,
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men--that's the word
I was looking for.
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That was our thing first,
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and they're trying
to steal it from us.
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And I'm not gonna pretend it's
not fun being a single guy,
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but I don't get the comfort
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like you people
in relationship.
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When you in a relationship,
you can get comfortable.
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When you single,
you can't get comfortable.
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You got to stay up to date
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with all the new sex
that comes out,
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'cause sex updates now.
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I don't know why.
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For thousands of years,
it was the same.
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We agreed we was gonna
all do it the same.
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From, like, the caveman era to,
like, 2007, it was the same.
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Then I don't know
what happened.
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Obama got elected,
it just started updating.
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I don't know why.
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It comes at you fast.
I can't keep up.
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I remember when eating ass
just came out.
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You guys remember that?
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Y'all remember when it was new?
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Not a lot of people--
you couldn't get it everywhere.
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It was like poke bowls.
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Only certain regions
of the country
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knew how to do it right.
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And people weren't open
about it like they are now.
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Now they admit it.
Back then, no one admitted it.
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Everyone had an uncle
that would admit it,
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but he was way ahead
of the curve.
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He shouldn't
have been doing that.
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He'd just show up
to the barbecue like,
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"What y'all got on the grill?
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Y'all don't got no ass for me,
do ya?"
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Your family would just be like,
"That's Uncle Freddy.
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"He been talking about
eating ass since the '70s.
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"We don't know why he do it.
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"Just keep the silverware away
from him.
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We'll figure it out."
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Now we've evolved as a species.
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Eating ass, that's first base.
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That's like
a bachelor's degree.
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That's not impressing anybody.
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And I'm not trying to pretend
it's not fun being a single guy
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or, like, it's harder to be a
single guy than a single woman.
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It's not harder,
but when you a single guy,
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when you hooking up randomly,
you have sex,
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you got to stay basic.
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You can't get too crazy
'cause you'll go to prison.
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Women, y'all can take risks.
Y'all can do whatever you want.
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'Cause men, we'll play along.
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We never want to feel
like we left out
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of whatever the new update
going around is.
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So y'all can push us,
but sometimes it get crazy.
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00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:03,000
I remember this one time
I was talking to this girl.
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We started kissing--
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nothing crazy,
just making out, normal.
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In the middle of it, she grabs
me by the back of my head.
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And she took her two thumbs
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and just started ramming them
into my eyeballs.
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00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,013
She just started jamming
her thumbs into my eyeballs.
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00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:19,767
In the middle of a make-out,
I'm getting my eyes gouged out.
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And I had two thoughts
in my head.
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One of them was like,
dude, just pretend you like it.
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Don't be a bitch.
Don't be a bitch.
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She gonna think
she's better than you.
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Don't let her have that.
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And then my other thought was
like, but you just got Lasik.
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00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,822
You can't be out here
doing shit like this.
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This is gonna ruin
your corneas.
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00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:38,828
You shouldn't be doing this.
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No part of me thought,
hey, just tell her to stop.
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I didn't even think
that was an option.
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'Cause men, we rationalize
things in our head.
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I had made peace with it.
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I was like, oh, no,
this is just
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00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:51,132
what white women are doing
in Minnesota, okay.
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I guess that settles the debate
about who's hornier,
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men or women?
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I was willing to lose
my vision...
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00:09:58,347 --> 00:09:59,932
for a six in Minnesota.
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00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:04,395
I don't think you ladies ever
willing to go down that route.
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00:10:04,478 --> 00:10:06,188
Every time I tell people
that story,
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00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,524
I get two different reactions,
'cause when I tell women,
249
00:10:08,607 --> 00:10:09,775
they're very empathetic.
250
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:12,153
They're like, "I can't believe
you let that happen to you.
251
00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:13,154
"That is crazy.
252
00:10:13,237 --> 00:10:15,031
You could have got
yourself hurt."
253
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,407
Then I'll tell a man,
and they're like,
254
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,659
"Nigga, sometimes
you got to lose your vision.
255
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,244
What are you gonna do?"
256
00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:26,334
They'll start bringing a Bible
into it for no reason.
257
00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:28,127
"God only gives
his biggest battles
258
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,755
"to his strongest soldiers.
259
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:33,466
This is just the cross
you got to carry."
260
00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:37,720
And my family, you know,
they want me to settle down.
261
00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:38,888
They'll bring it up, you know.
262
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,097
You come
from an immigrant family,
263
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:41,766
they'll put that pressure
on you.
264
00:10:41,849 --> 00:10:45,353
You ever had your family shame
you for being single in public?
265
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:50,024
Why is it always the person
in the worst relationship...
266
00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:52,526
that wants to give you advice?
267
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,070
I got an uncle like that--
every time he see me,
268
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:55,696
he's like,
"Ian, you still single, man?
269
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,490
"You don't know what it's like
to have somebody else
270
00:10:57,573 --> 00:10:58,657
"where you're
holding them down,
271
00:10:58,741 --> 00:10:59,700
"and they're holding you down,
272
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,077
"and you holding
each other down,
273
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:02,703
"and it's just
an unbreakable bond, man.
274
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,246
It's beautiful."
275
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:07,541
I'm like,
"Your wife tried to stab you.
276
00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:10,002
I drove you to the hospital.
She stabbed you, man."
277
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:11,712
He's like,
"Yeah, but she didn't leave.
278
00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:14,048
"That's what I'm trying
to tell you.
279
00:11:14,131 --> 00:11:17,259
You need to get you
one like this."
280
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,011
And my family--
they don't care where I'm at.
281
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,971
They'll just bring it up.
They don't care what I'm doing.
282
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:22,556
Like, tonight
I'm filming a special.
283
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,100
They don't care.
They'll bring it up.
284
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,310
After the show, "Yo, Ian,
what's wrong with you?"
285
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:28,145
I'm like, "What you mean?
I just bought this jacket.
286
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,731
I'm doing okay. Why?"
287
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,149
They're like,
"No, not the jacket.
288
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,901
"Why you here by yourself?
What's going on?
289
00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:36,028
"You can't find a nice lady
to settle down with?
290
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,488
"Can't find
a pretty girl willing
291
00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:39,156
to settle down with you?"
292
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,367
I never get mad or embarrassed.
I just tell them the truth.
293
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:44,078
I'm like,
"Listen, it's not my fault.
294
00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:47,706
It's because women
don't settle anymore."
295
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:51,836
No, that was back in the day,
296
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:53,587
when you could trick
a beautiful woman
297
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:55,381
into marrying you on discount.
298
00:11:55,464 --> 00:11:57,550
She didn't know
what was out there.
299
00:11:57,633 --> 00:11:59,343
She thought you was the best
she could do.
300
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:00,845
She didn't know.
301
00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:03,973
Now they know.
302
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:06,976
Thanks a lot, Instagram.
You ruined it.
303
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:09,645
Ruined it for everybody.
304
00:12:09,728 --> 00:12:11,147
They don't want
to settle down anymore, no.
305
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,941
Every single woman in here
thinks they're one bikini photo
306
00:12:14,024 --> 00:12:16,110
away from a DM
from Michael B. Jordan.
307
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:18,195
They're not settling down
with you.
308
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:23,242
You allowed to have
whatever crazy expectations
309
00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:25,786
you have of dating as a woman,
you can just have them now.
310
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:29,123
They encourage it
with each other--I hear them.
311
00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:31,792
I hear them, "Girl, leave him.
You don't need him.
312
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,044
"Who cares if he's a doctor?
You're on OnlyFans.
313
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:36,589
You're the breadwinner.
You leave him."
314
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:41,010
I had a woman tell me
to my face
315
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:43,762
that she wasn't even gonna
consider a relationship
316
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:47,475
unless she could be promised
a love like "The Notebook."
317
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:52,313
That's what she wanted--
the movie with Ryan Gosling.
318
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,814
That's what
she was looking for.
319
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,316
She wanted me
to go fight in a war
320
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:56,650
while she fucked another guy.
321
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,777
She said that to my face.
322
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:03,908
I said, "I got to wait for you
323
00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:05,659
"to get Alzheimer's
to be with you?
324
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:07,369
This seems like a lot."
325
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,834
I remember when you just had
to be tall.
326
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:16,128
Remember that?
327
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,880
That's all you had
to aspire to as a man.
328
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:19,048
That's all women cared about.
329
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,383
You ain't need to have a job
or make any money.
330
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,260
Just tall, that's it.
331
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:24,720
They used to ask me,
career day,
332
00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:26,263
"Ian, what do you want
to be when you grow up?"
333
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,224
And with all the confidence
in the world,
334
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,226
I'd reply, 6'2".
335
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:34,313
And the teacher
would understand.
336
00:13:34,396 --> 00:13:36,023
She'd be like,
"You see, Ian's ambitious.
337
00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:37,483
"This kid gets it.
338
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:41,028
He understands what it takes
to be successful."
339
00:13:41,111 --> 00:13:43,572
Now you can't just be tall.
No, that's not enough.
340
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,242
I made the mistake--I asked
a girl what was her type.
341
00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:47,535
Guys, don't ask.
You're not her type.
342
00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:49,578
I'll tell you that right now.
You're never her type.
343
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:50,913
But I asked.
I wanted to know.
344
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:52,873
I said, "What kind of guys
do you usually date?"
345
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:54,458
And I feel like
she was trying to embarrass me
346
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,086
'cause she ain't even have
to say all this.
347
00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:59,755
She was like, "Oh, I don't
really date guys like you."
348
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:05,427
I was like, "You ain't need to
do that motion with your hand.
349
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,929
"I feel like
this was unnecessary.
350
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:10,599
I kind of just understood
from the words, but okay."
351
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:14,979
She was like,
"Nah, it ain't you.
352
00:14:15,062 --> 00:14:16,772
"It's that my ex-boyfriend
had neck tattoos,
353
00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:19,483
"so I think it's real sexy
when a man has tattoos
354
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,402
all over his neck."
355
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,862
And I was like, "Oh, well,
if helps you feel any better,
356
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:27,116
"I also am unemployed, so..."
357
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:31,620
"Not that different,
me and your ex.
358
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:35,332
I think you have a type,
Cindy."
359
00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:37,126
That's what's fascinating
about women.
360
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,294
Y'all can just have a type.
361
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:39,295
Y'all decide at an early age,
362
00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:40,796
"This is the kind
of men I like,"
363
00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:42,339
and that's the only type
of men you'll date.
364
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,300
And as you get older, it don't
matter how attractive he is,
365
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,176
if he's not your type,
you just won't sleep with him.
366
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,137
That's fascinating to me.
367
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,431
'Cause, men,
we have a type also,
368
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:53,809
but I've never met a guy
that takes that shit seriously.
369
00:14:55,811 --> 00:14:57,896
Here's a sentence you're never
gonna hear from a man, ladies--
370
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,189
"I told you,
I can't sleep with you.
371
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:01,108
"You got big titties.
I like medium titties.
372
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:03,277
"I'm sorry.
373
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,780
You're not my type.
This isn't gonna work out."
374
00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:09,950
Men, we have a type the same
way we have a dream car.
375
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:14,955
It's very unrealistic.
376
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:16,457
When you young, you ambitious.
377
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,500
You young, early 20s,
you got shit to prove.
378
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:19,877
You like,
"One day, I'ma work hard.
379
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,171
I'ma get a Ferrari.
You'll see."
380
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,423
Then you get older,
your hairline starts receding,
381
00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:27,551
and you're like,
"I'll take a minivan, yeah!"
382
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:30,804
I just need to get around, man.
383
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,516
And I'm not trying
to make excuses
384
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:35,851
for the men in the room,
I'm not,
385
00:15:35,934 --> 00:15:37,353
but, women,
y'all control dating now.
386
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:39,229
You're in charge,
which is fine.
387
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:41,023
We had a good run.
388
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:43,984
10,000 years, it was good.
It was fun.
389
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,111
I'm just saying,
give us time to adjust, though.
390
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:48,197
A lot of new rules
when it comes to dating now.
391
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,323
Give us some time.
392
00:15:49,406 --> 00:15:51,158
Like, women,
y'all don't even get upset
393
00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:52,910
after breakups anymore.
394
00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:55,329
When did this happen?
395
00:15:55,412 --> 00:15:57,164
I thought,
you broke up with somebody,
396
00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:58,666
she was supposed to be sad.
397
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,793
That's what every R&B song
in the '90s
398
00:16:00,876 --> 00:16:02,836
said was gonna happen.
399
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,922
Y'all remember the music video
always had a girl crying
400
00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:07,883
under a staircase
or in a hallway?
401
00:16:07,966 --> 00:16:09,385
That's what I thought
was gonna happen
402
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:10,427
when I broke up with somebody.
403
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,179
'Cause your friends,
they'll lie to you.
404
00:16:12,262 --> 00:16:13,597
They're like, "Don't worry.
She's not going anywhere.
405
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:14,848
"You got some time.
Figure it out.
406
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:16,517
She'll be there
when you get back."
407
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,727
Not anymore.
408
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,104
You break up with a woman now,
409
00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:22,815
she starts living
her best life immediately.
410
00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:24,817
[cheers and applause]
411
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:27,569
No, no, don't clap.
I don't like it.
412
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:30,531
It's too fast.
I don't like it.
413
00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:32,282
You get
into an argument tonight,
414
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:34,034
in the morning,
she's posting from Bali.
415
00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:37,204
Like, when the fuck did you go
to Indonesia?
416
00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:38,539
I wanted to watch the game.
417
00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:41,291
You flew
to Indonesia overnight?
418
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,252
These Groupon deals
are ridiculous.
419
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:44,712
I can't keep doing this.
420
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:48,924
And, again, not making excuses
for the men,
421
00:16:49,007 --> 00:16:50,801
but sometimes
women like to call us immature.
422
00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:53,262
That's a line I hear a lot,
"Men are so immature."
423
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:55,472
But I need y'all to understand,
when it comes to relationships,
424
00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:57,474
men, we got to figure this out
on our own.
425
00:16:57,558 --> 00:17:00,269
There's nobody we can speak to.
That's why it takes us longer.
426
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:01,478
Women, y'all have coaching.
427
00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,147
Y'all got people
y'all can speak to.
428
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:04,898
Y'all going through
relationship trouble,
429
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:06,859
y'all get on the phone,
you have a whole team of women
430
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:10,362
that'll take a week off work
and move into your apartment,
431
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:13,073
have your living room looking
like the Pentagon war room,
432
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:15,409
with TV monitors
all over the living room
433
00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:17,327
so they can dissect
every message
434
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,872
he's ever sent to you ever.
435
00:17:19,955 --> 00:17:21,665
Then they'll move on
to phase two.
436
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,959
Y'all know what phase two is
in a breakup?
437
00:17:24,042 --> 00:17:26,962
It's a brunch.
438
00:17:27,045 --> 00:17:28,797
They'll schedule
a small brunch.
439
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,340
That's what they'll call it--
a small brunch.
440
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,802
67 women will show up
to a restaurant
441
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,512
on a Sunday afternoon
442
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,682
dressed like they going
to the Met Gala.
443
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:40,642
And that's where
the real work gets done.
444
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,144
That's where they decide
as a unit
445
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,897
when you text back,
when you don't text back,
446
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:48,275
when you block him,
when you unblock him.
447
00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:49,693
Now they're so sophisticated,
448
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:51,278
they don't even need
to ask any questions.
449
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:52,446
They just got to
know two things,
450
00:17:52,529 --> 00:17:53,781
two things they need to know--
451
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:57,326
when's his birthday
and what time he was born.
452
00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:00,746
They can tell you everything
they need to know
453
00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:02,706
about his personality.
454
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,458
These women don't play fair.
455
00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:06,460
That's why I always tell
the men, "Guys, listen,
456
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:09,338
you got to stop telling women
when your real birthday is."
457
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,341
"I'm serious.
They'll research it.
458
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,343
"They learn everything
they need to know about you,
459
00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:16,220
"and they'll use it
against you.
460
00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:17,805
Don't tell them.
You got to do what I do."
461
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,723
I don't tell women
my real birthday.
462
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,225
I'll ask you
what your birthday is,
463
00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:22,976
and I'll go on Google,
and I'll look up
464
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,812
the best match
with your birthday.
465
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:29,316
Then I'll pretend
that's my birthday.
466
00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:31,318
Then every time we get
into an argument, I'm like,
467
00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:32,319
"I don't know what to tell you.
468
00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:35,114
The stars say
we belong together, so..."
469
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:40,369
"I think this is a you problem.
My moon is in alignment."
470
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:43,997
It's nice to have somebody
you can speak to
471
00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:45,749
when you're going
through relationship trouble,
472
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:47,334
somebody you could just run
your problems by.
473
00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:48,794
They'll give you
a clear perspective.
474
00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:51,630
That's nice.
Y'all think we don't want that?
475
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:56,552
But who we gonna speak to--men?
476
00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:58,428
You ever had
a good conversation
477
00:18:58,512 --> 00:19:00,055
with a man about anything?
478
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,852
Now really think about that.
Juggle your memory.
479
00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:06,520
When was the last time
you left a conversation
480
00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:09,690
with an adult man thinking,
"Nah, I'm glad I did that.
481
00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:12,985
"He understood exactly what
I was talking about.
482
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:16,613
This wasn't
a complete waste of time"?
483
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:20,242
Men don't give good advice.
I don't care how old you are.
484
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:22,744
No man in here
gives good advice.
485
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,371
And it's not
'cause we're stupid.
486
00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:26,206
I don't like that narrative.
We're not stupid.
487
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:28,917
We're selfish.
It's different.
488
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,836
We only think about ourselves.
489
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:32,421
You come talk to me
about relationships,
490
00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:34,089
I'll talk to you,
but I'ma be honest with you,
491
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,465
I'm a single guy.
492
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,050
Single guys,
we just want all of our boys
493
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:40,304
to be single with us so
we can run the town together.
494
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:44,600
So you come talk to me,
I might ruin your life.
495
00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:45,767
I'm being honest.
496
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,019
Any minor inconvenience,
I'm like,
497
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:50,480
"Dude, you don't need
to be with her.
498
00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:52,482
"Those kids are
six and seven years old.
499
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:54,735
"They're practically adults.
500
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:56,236
"Pack your bags.
We going out.
501
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:59,239
"It's wing night.
502
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:00,407
"You're 47.
503
00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:03,911
You're too young
to be thinking about a family."
504
00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,662
And, ladies, I think
y'all got a misconception
505
00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:07,205
about men and our relationship
with our boys,
506
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:08,874
'cause I think women can keep
it real with each other.
507
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:10,083
Like, when y'all going
through stuff,
508
00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:11,460
if you tell your homegirl
that you did something,
509
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:12,628
she could tell you
to your face,
510
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:14,504
"Hey, you're wrong about that.
You should apologize."
511
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:16,632
But men--we ain't trying
to have no awkward conversation
512
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:17,966
with our boys.
513
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,552
We'll say anything
to avoid shit getting weird.
514
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,763
I remember one time, one of
my boys was going through it,
515
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:24,473
so he got
the whole gang together
516
00:20:24,556 --> 00:20:26,224
so we could give him "advice."
517
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:27,643
And, basically,
this is what happened.
518
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,144
He was hooking up
with some girl,
519
00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:30,687
and I guess she wasn't
into it like that,
520
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:33,023
'cause he said that as soon
as he took his clothes off,
521
00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:35,901
she just got up and said
she had to go to work.
522
00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:39,446
And he was genuinely
asking us like,
523
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:42,032
"So y'all think
she really had to go to work?"
524
00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:46,203
And he had three adult men
at the same time
525
00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:47,663
look him dead in his eyes
and be like,
526
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:51,833
"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You think it was you?
527
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:55,671
"No, she's probably a doctor.
That's what it is.
528
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:57,881
"You could meet a doctor
at the strip club, yeah.
529
00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,175
A lot of doctors work
at the strip club."
530
00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:04,179
You can't count
on your single friends.
531
00:21:04,262 --> 00:21:06,306
And I know what y'all thinking,
what about married men, right?
532
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:08,642
You can speak to them.
No, you can't.
533
00:21:08,725 --> 00:21:10,686
Married men are the worst.
I don't speak to them at all.
534
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,355
They're completely clueless
to what's going on.
535
00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:15,649
Married men make me think
marriage is like prison,
536
00:21:15,732 --> 00:21:17,526
'cause married men think
dating still works
537
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:21,154
the exact same way it did
the day they got married.
538
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:24,574
Like, no one
on the outside has updated.
539
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:28,453
Married men think how men who
just got out of prison dress.
540
00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:35,127
It was Sean John going in,
Sean John coming out.
541
00:21:38,005 --> 00:21:41,383
Their style not updating
for nobody.
542
00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:43,552
You ever try to talk
to a man who's been married
543
00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:45,262
a long time about women?
544
00:21:45,345 --> 00:21:46,930
It gets weird.
545
00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:50,600
Some of the stuff they suggest
is borderline illegal.
546
00:21:50,684 --> 00:21:51,935
You're like,
"Sir, that's a crime now.
547
00:21:52,019 --> 00:21:53,478
"I can't do that.
548
00:21:53,562 --> 00:21:55,313
"I've seen a documentary
on Netflix about that.
549
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:56,940
I'm not doing that."
550
00:21:57,024 --> 00:21:58,692
I tried to talk
to my grandfather about it.
551
00:21:58,775 --> 00:21:59,985
He was married 62 years.
552
00:22:00,068 --> 00:22:01,528
I'm thinking,
he's an expert on women, right?
553
00:22:01,611 --> 00:22:02,904
Let me throw some
of my stuff at him.
554
00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:04,698
He knows what I need
to be doing--he knows women.
555
00:22:04,781 --> 00:22:06,533
So I told him some of the stuff
I was going through.
556
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:08,326
I was like, "Grandpa, I got
this girl--I really like her.
557
00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:09,536
"I been after her
for a little while,
558
00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:11,872
"but I don't think
she's feeling me the same way.
559
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:13,415
"I'm trying to be respectful.
560
00:22:13,498 --> 00:22:14,833
I think
I'ma just leave her alone."
561
00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:18,170
He was like, "First of all,
you going about it all wrong."
562
00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:20,005
He was like,
"Why you speaking to her?
563
00:22:20,088 --> 00:22:22,049
Call her father.
Get her father on the phone."
564
00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:25,260
He was like, "Call her father.
565
00:22:25,343 --> 00:22:26,845
"Let him know you want
to take his daughter out,
566
00:22:26,928 --> 00:22:29,639
and he needs
to do what's right for her."
567
00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:31,266
I said, "What?"
568
00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:36,480
That's what men were doing
to women back in the day--
569
00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:37,898
calling women's fathers
unsolicited.
570
00:22:37,981 --> 00:22:40,025
That's what they was doing
to them.
571
00:22:40,108 --> 00:22:42,194
Could you imagine--no wonder
you ladies needed a movement.
572
00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:44,321
That's what
they was doing to them.
573
00:22:44,404 --> 00:22:46,406
You see a woman, you like her?
Call her father.
574
00:22:46,490 --> 00:22:48,075
Get her father on the phone.
575
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:50,577
That was considered romantic.
576
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:53,747
I said, "That's the plot
of the movie 'Taken,' okay?"
577
00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:00,545
I don't think
that's how you do it anymore.
578
00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:01,671
I had to call him back.
579
00:23:01,755 --> 00:23:03,006
I was like,
"No, thank you, Grandpa.
580
00:23:03,090 --> 00:23:04,341
"I'm not calling
nobody's father.
581
00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:05,967
"Young men,
we know how to get women.
582
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:08,011
We know what they like to see."
583
00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:09,638
I said,
"I'ma just send her pictures
584
00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:11,681
"of my penis over the Internet
585
00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:14,351
"until she finally
replies to me,
586
00:23:14,434 --> 00:23:17,646
like somebody with class."
587
00:23:17,729 --> 00:23:19,606
I'm not calling your father
like a pervert.
588
00:23:19,689 --> 00:23:21,775
I'm sorry.
I was not raised that way.
589
00:23:21,858 --> 00:23:25,946
I come from a Christian family.
I'm not doing that.
590
00:23:26,029 --> 00:23:27,322
And I feel like I was lied to.
591
00:23:27,405 --> 00:23:28,490
That's why I don't listen
to men.
592
00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:29,741
Men lied to me.
593
00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:31,785
Everybody told me growing up,
"Man, you got to be careful.
594
00:23:31,868 --> 00:23:32,953
"Once you turn 30, these women,
595
00:23:33,036 --> 00:23:34,413
"their biological clock
starts ticking.
596
00:23:34,496 --> 00:23:35,997
"They're gonna want
to have a baby,
597
00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:37,249
"so they're gonna
try to trap you,
598
00:23:37,332 --> 00:23:38,792
"so be careful
when you out there dating
599
00:23:38,875 --> 00:23:41,670
'cause these women,
they're gonna try to trap you."
600
00:23:41,753 --> 00:23:44,673
No woman...
601
00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:48,718
has ever tried to trap me ever.
602
00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:51,721
When is that coming?
When is the trap coming?
603
00:23:51,805 --> 00:23:53,849
They're going the opposite.
I'm going on dates.
604
00:23:53,932 --> 00:23:56,101
These women are taking Plan Bs
like it's vitamin C,
605
00:23:56,184 --> 00:23:58,436
just mixing it
right into their drink.
606
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,066
I'm like,
"We having sex tonight?"
607
00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:04,651
They're like,
"No, we just want to make sure
608
00:24:04,734 --> 00:24:06,778
there's no way possible
we could reproduce."
609
00:24:09,739 --> 00:24:11,241
Women don't want
to settle anymore.
610
00:24:11,324 --> 00:24:12,742
They don't care.
Men want to settle now.
611
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:14,327
It completely flipped.
612
00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:15,996
All of my boys
in their early 30s,
613
00:24:16,079 --> 00:24:18,039
they're all either married
or trying to get married
614
00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:20,333
'cause they're afraid
they're gonna end up alone.
615
00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:22,210
One of my boys just met a girl
six weeks ago.
616
00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:23,879
They just got together.
Six weeks ago, they met.
617
00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:25,046
He's going around
telling everybody
618
00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:27,799
he found the one.
619
00:24:27,883 --> 00:24:29,885
I'm like, "You got to see
how this plays out."
620
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:31,720
He's like, "Nigga,
she's a manager at T-Mobile.
621
00:24:31,803 --> 00:24:33,597
I don't know if I could find
another one like this."
622
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:37,684
"I got to do
what's right for me.
623
00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:38,685
"My clock is ticking.
624
00:24:38,768 --> 00:24:40,770
I can't be out here
experimenting."
625
00:24:44,274 --> 00:24:46,109
And men, we settle.
We do it.
626
00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:47,861
We learned how to do it,
but we got big egos.
627
00:24:47,944 --> 00:24:49,738
Y'all know the male ago,
we can't just come out and say,
628
00:24:49,821 --> 00:24:51,114
"I can't do better.
I'm settling down."
629
00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:52,324
That's not how you do it.
630
00:24:52,407 --> 00:24:54,117
When a man's ready to settle,
this is what he got to do.
631
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:55,952
He got to pretend
that whatever girl he dates,
632
00:24:56,036 --> 00:24:57,954
that's the type of woman
everybody should date.
633
00:24:58,038 --> 00:24:59,039
That's how he do it.
634
00:24:59,122 --> 00:25:00,624
It don't matter
what she look like.
635
00:25:00,707 --> 00:25:03,585
You messing with a girl with
no teeth, all you got to do--
636
00:25:03,668 --> 00:25:05,170
start making fun
of all your boys
637
00:25:05,253 --> 00:25:07,464
who still messing
with girls with teeth.
638
00:25:07,547 --> 00:25:09,090
Soon as they walk in,
you got to hit 'em with it.
639
00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:10,842
"Yo, you still fucking
that shark bitch Kiesha
640
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:12,427
with all the teeth?"
641
00:25:14,387 --> 00:25:15,847
They gonna be home
later that night like,
642
00:25:15,931 --> 00:25:17,432
"Should I be messing
with girls with no teeth?
643
00:25:17,515 --> 00:25:19,768
"'Cause my lady
got perfect teeth,
644
00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:23,313
and she's kind of annoying,
so am I doing something wrong?"
645
00:25:27,484 --> 00:25:29,736
'Cause men--we got big egos,
and I know, women,
646
00:25:29,819 --> 00:25:30,904
y'all hate to deal with it.
647
00:25:30,987 --> 00:25:32,739
The male ego,
very fragile thing.
648
00:25:32,822 --> 00:25:35,283
I know, but one of the benefits
about the male ego is men--
649
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:36,618
we can just
fabricate confidence
650
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:40,080
where confidence
has no business being.
651
00:25:40,163 --> 00:25:42,916
It's a gift. Women hate it.
They don't like it, you know.
652
00:25:42,999 --> 00:25:44,251
[chuckles]
653
00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:45,835
And I know women hate it,
'cause every woman here
654
00:25:45,919 --> 00:25:50,215
has dealt with a guy
so confident yet so flawed.
655
00:25:50,298 --> 00:25:52,884
You almost want to sit him down
with a PowerPoint presentation
656
00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:55,637
and explain to him
all the reasons why
657
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:58,098
he shouldn't have confidence.
658
00:25:58,181 --> 00:25:59,599
'Cause women--
they get frustrated.
659
00:25:59,683 --> 00:26:01,810
They're like, "I don't get it!
He's an unemployed DJ!
660
00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:03,561
Why is he so confident?"
661
00:26:06,398 --> 00:26:07,399
You know why, ladies?
662
00:26:07,482 --> 00:26:08,775
'Cause men--
we don't need nothing.
663
00:26:08,858 --> 00:26:10,485
We don't need no one
to tell us nothing.
664
00:26:10,568 --> 00:26:11,987
We just decide in our own head.
665
00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:13,822
We just flip a switch like,
"All right,
666
00:26:13,905 --> 00:26:16,700
confident about this now."
667
00:26:16,783 --> 00:26:17,701
And you could ask them like,
668
00:26:17,784 --> 00:26:19,286
"Who told you
you was good at that?"
669
00:26:19,369 --> 00:26:21,997
They'll just be like, "Nobody.
670
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:24,124
"I just decided
I'm the man at this now.
671
00:26:24,207 --> 00:26:26,918
It's everybody else's problem."
672
00:26:27,002 --> 00:26:28,545
You know when I realized
men were the kings
673
00:26:28,628 --> 00:26:29,713
of false confidence?
674
00:26:29,796 --> 00:26:31,256
I had this dude
I used to work with,
675
00:26:31,339 --> 00:26:32,841
told me
he was gonna get into porn.
676
00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:34,259
He was gonna do pornography.
677
00:26:34,342 --> 00:26:35,677
So I asked him, I was like,
678
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,512
"You got the equipment
to do porn?
679
00:26:37,595 --> 00:26:38,680
You got a big--"
680
00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:40,015
I thought porn
was like the NBA.
681
00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:42,017
I thought you had to be big
and Black to compete.
682
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:45,103
I didn't know
anybody could just do it.
683
00:26:45,186 --> 00:26:46,855
But apparently
it's open to everybody.
684
00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:47,981
I didn't know this.
685
00:26:48,064 --> 00:26:49,983
He told me that most
of the penises in pornography
686
00:26:50,066 --> 00:26:51,318
are just average-sized penises.
687
00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:52,986
Isn't that crazy?
688
00:26:53,069 --> 00:26:54,029
Think about that.
689
00:26:54,112 --> 00:26:56,072
In pornography,
that's professional sex.
690
00:26:56,156 --> 00:26:57,657
When a woman wants
to get into sex work,
691
00:26:57,741 --> 00:26:59,075
she can't just show up--
there's a look.
692
00:26:59,159 --> 00:27:01,036
She got to go get her body--
there's a look.
693
00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:02,829
Men will just grow a mustache,
show up--
694
00:27:02,912 --> 00:27:05,123
"I'm here for the sex.
695
00:27:05,206 --> 00:27:08,293
Get the cameras.
Record this for the sex."
696
00:27:08,376 --> 00:27:10,920
You know how confident
you got to be as a man
697
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:15,258
to look in the mirror
with a 4 1/2-inch penis...
698
00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:19,387
and be like, "I need to be
having sex professionally"?
699
00:27:19,471 --> 00:27:21,348
"This needs to be shared
all over the Internet
700
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:24,809
for everybody to enjoy."
701
00:27:24,893 --> 00:27:26,728
And, look, that's not
a cheap joke about porn.
702
00:27:26,811 --> 00:27:28,897
I'm just saying, we got to show
them more respect.
703
00:27:28,980 --> 00:27:31,191
We got to treat porn stars
with average penises
704
00:27:31,274 --> 00:27:33,318
like motivational speakers.
705
00:27:33,401 --> 00:27:35,403
Bring them to the high schools,
let them talk to the kids.
706
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:37,364
Let them know,
don't listen to the haters.
707
00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:40,033
You can do whatever
you set your mind to
708
00:27:40,116 --> 00:27:42,535
if you work hard
and dedicate your life to it.
709
00:27:44,454 --> 00:27:46,289
And, look, don't look
at me like that, okay?
710
00:27:46,373 --> 00:27:47,874
I'm in therapy.
I'm working this shit out.
711
00:27:47,957 --> 00:27:49,209
All right?
712
00:27:49,292 --> 00:27:51,878
I got a therapist.
713
00:27:51,961 --> 00:27:53,755
You got to now.
It's mandatory.
714
00:27:53,838 --> 00:27:55,423
In New York City,
you got to have a therapist,
715
00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:58,385
or you can't do indoor dining,
I think--I don't know.
716
00:28:00,428 --> 00:28:03,306
I don't know what
the rules are, but...
717
00:28:03,390 --> 00:28:05,642
Two things you got to do,
you turn 30 in New York City.
718
00:28:05,725 --> 00:28:09,437
You got to buy an air fryer
and then go to therapy
719
00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:11,314
in that exact same order.
720
00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:13,900
[cheers and applause]
721
00:28:13,983 --> 00:28:15,235
I showed up to therapy.
722
00:28:15,318 --> 00:28:16,903
My therapist was like,
"Where's your air fryer?"
723
00:28:16,986 --> 00:28:18,947
I was like, "I didn't know
you needed an air fryer."
724
00:28:19,030 --> 00:28:20,532
He's like,
"You go purchase an air fryer.
725
00:28:20,615 --> 00:28:23,827
Then you come back, and we'll
work on your childhood."
726
00:28:23,910 --> 00:28:25,412
Got me a Jewish therapist.
727
00:28:25,495 --> 00:28:28,331
If y'all looking for therapy,
go Jewish.
728
00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:31,000
Nah, they're very reliable.
They know what they're doing.
729
00:28:31,084 --> 00:28:34,379
I had a Dominican therapist.
730
00:28:34,462 --> 00:28:36,214
Had to get rid of him.
731
00:28:36,297 --> 00:28:39,008
Found out he was
a party promoter on the side.
732
00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:43,847
I ran into this nigga
at the club.
733
00:28:43,930 --> 00:28:46,182
He tried to do a shot
with me at the club.
734
00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:48,017
I was like, "I'm not gonna
be paying your co-pay
735
00:28:48,101 --> 00:28:50,728
if we gonna be doing shots
together at the club."
736
00:28:53,022 --> 00:28:54,774
I should've known,
'cause his therapy sessions
737
00:28:54,858 --> 00:28:56,985
always used to interlap
with his side hustle.
738
00:28:57,068 --> 00:28:58,361
I never picked up on it.
739
00:28:58,445 --> 00:28:59,779
He used to be like,
"Ian, you need to work
740
00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:02,115
"on how you express yourself
with others
741
00:29:02,198 --> 00:29:06,494
"this Friday night at Penthouse
on my guest list...
742
00:29:06,578 --> 00:29:09,122
between 9:00 and 12:00."
743
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:11,124
It's like, they give therapists
a guest list?
744
00:29:11,207 --> 00:29:12,625
This is crazy.
745
00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:13,835
My Jewish guy's great, though.
746
00:29:13,918 --> 00:29:14,878
I'll give you guys
free therapy.
747
00:29:14,961 --> 00:29:15,920
This is what he told me.
748
00:29:16,004 --> 00:29:17,005
He said, "If you want
to better yourself,
749
00:29:17,088 --> 00:29:18,089
"this is what you need to do.
750
00:29:18,173 --> 00:29:19,090
"You got to set small goals.
751
00:29:19,174 --> 00:29:20,508
"Once you achieve those,
you set bigger goals.
752
00:29:20,592 --> 00:29:21,968
"And that's how
you climb the ladder
753
00:29:22,051 --> 00:29:23,678
to becoming a better person."
754
00:29:23,761 --> 00:29:25,430
I said, "Perfect,
I know what I'm gonna do.
755
00:29:25,513 --> 00:29:28,141
I'm gonna stop texting
and driving."
756
00:29:28,224 --> 00:29:29,392
He was like,
"That's a good one.
757
00:29:29,476 --> 00:29:31,394
"Are you worried that you're
putting other people's lives
758
00:29:31,478 --> 00:29:32,687
at risk?"
759
00:29:32,770 --> 00:29:34,647
And I was like,
"No, I'm worried
760
00:29:34,731 --> 00:29:37,108
I'm putting my reputation
at risk."
761
00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:38,651
And he was like,
"What do you mean?"
762
00:29:38,735 --> 00:29:40,028
And I said, "Well, Shlomi--"
763
00:29:42,238 --> 00:29:43,990
It's the Jewish guy.
764
00:29:44,073 --> 00:29:45,825
I said, "Well, Shlomi,
I'm afraid one day
765
00:29:45,909 --> 00:29:48,203
"I may get into a car accident
and lose my life,
766
00:29:48,286 --> 00:29:50,079
"and at the crash scene,
they're gonna recover my phone,
767
00:29:50,163 --> 00:29:51,789
"try to piece together
what I was doing
768
00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:53,791
"when I got
into this car accident,
769
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:55,668
"start reading all
of my text messages
770
00:29:55,752 --> 00:29:57,045
"all out of context.
771
00:29:57,128 --> 00:29:59,088
"Then they gonna try
to make an example out of me,
772
00:29:59,172 --> 00:30:01,049
"take one of my text messages,
put 'em up on a billboard
773
00:30:01,132 --> 00:30:03,051
"on the side of a highway.
774
00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:05,220
"Then every time somebody
drive past this highway,
775
00:30:05,303 --> 00:30:07,055
"they're gonna see a picture
of me and a text message
776
00:30:07,138 --> 00:30:08,973
"talking about eating ass,
and everybody gonna think
777
00:30:09,057 --> 00:30:12,227
"I died trying to eat ass.
778
00:30:12,310 --> 00:30:14,062
"And I'ma be dead,
so I won't be able to explain--
779
00:30:14,145 --> 00:30:15,522
"'I wasn't really trying
to eat her ass.
780
00:30:15,605 --> 00:30:17,023
"'I was trying
to get to know her.
781
00:30:17,106 --> 00:30:19,192
"'That's how you get
to know women now.
782
00:30:19,275 --> 00:30:20,735
You got to let her know
you mean business.'"
783
00:30:20,818 --> 00:30:23,112
And Shlomi was like,
"I have no idea
784
00:30:23,196 --> 00:30:25,281
what you're talking about."
785
00:30:25,365 --> 00:30:27,033
I was like,
"I should have brought this up
786
00:30:27,116 --> 00:30:28,535
with my Dominican guy."
787
00:30:30,912 --> 00:30:34,207
"This is more his expertise."
788
00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:36,042
Y'all don't worry
about things like that?
789
00:30:36,125 --> 00:30:37,752
You ever worry about what'll
happen if somebody
790
00:30:37,835 --> 00:30:39,254
recovered your phone
but you wasn't around
791
00:30:39,337 --> 00:30:42,757
to explain what you was doing
on that phone?
792
00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:44,259
I realized this
'cause I was at a red light.
793
00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:45,552
I was texting
with a friend of mine.
794
00:30:45,635 --> 00:30:46,928
He coaches a basketball team,
795
00:30:47,011 --> 00:30:48,263
third-grade boys'
basketball team,
796
00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:49,931
but he takes it real serious.
797
00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:51,599
He thinks it's like real life.
798
00:30:51,683 --> 00:30:53,268
He was complaining to me
about how the boys
799
00:30:53,351 --> 00:30:54,602
wasn't taking him serious.
800
00:30:54,686 --> 00:30:56,271
It was playoff time, but they
wasn't paying attention.
801
00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:57,522
And I'm trying to console him.
802
00:30:57,605 --> 00:30:58,982
This is my last text message
to him.
803
00:30:59,065 --> 00:31:00,441
This is what I said to him--
I was like,
804
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:03,069
"If these little boys can't
keep they mouths shut,
805
00:31:03,152 --> 00:31:05,321
then we just gonna have
to get rid of them."
806
00:31:07,574 --> 00:31:09,284
What if that was
the last text message
807
00:31:09,367 --> 00:31:11,578
I ever got to send out?
808
00:31:11,661 --> 00:31:12,579
You trust your friends?
809
00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:14,122
You think your friends
would defend you?
810
00:31:14,205 --> 00:31:16,583
Mine's won't.
My friends all dicks.
811
00:31:16,666 --> 00:31:18,626
They be at my funeral like,
"Ian was a good dude,
812
00:31:18,710 --> 00:31:21,588
but he just couldn't leave
those little boys alone."
813
00:31:24,465 --> 00:31:26,718
Just couldn't do it.
814
00:31:29,762 --> 00:31:31,681
And I talk
about settling down a lot.
815
00:31:31,764 --> 00:31:33,266
A lot of part of my act
is about dating
816
00:31:33,349 --> 00:31:34,934
'cause that's what my grandma
always used to tell me.
817
00:31:35,018 --> 00:31:37,145
I remember she used to tell me,
"Settle down young.
818
00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:39,105
"Settle down young, 'cause
when you settle down young,
819
00:31:39,188 --> 00:31:40,773
"you get to take
romantic vacations
820
00:31:40,857 --> 00:31:42,775
with your partner
all over the world."
821
00:31:42,859 --> 00:31:44,068
And that sounds good to me,
822
00:31:44,152 --> 00:31:45,737
'cause I'm tired
of doing the guys trip.
823
00:31:45,820 --> 00:31:47,530
I think
I'm getting too old for that.
824
00:31:47,614 --> 00:31:49,115
Like, I've done Vegas
a bunch of times.
825
00:31:49,198 --> 00:31:50,533
I've done Miami
a bunch of times.
826
00:31:50,617 --> 00:31:52,910
And that was fun, but--my boy
called me up the other day.
827
00:31:52,994 --> 00:31:55,121
He was like, "Ian, you know
what we still need to do?"
828
00:31:55,204 --> 00:31:56,122
I was like, "What?"
829
00:31:56,205 --> 00:31:59,042
He was like,
"We need to go see Paris."
830
00:32:02,670 --> 00:32:04,339
I was like, I don't know
if I want to go see
831
00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:05,715
the Eiffel Tower
with my niggas.
832
00:32:05,798 --> 00:32:07,634
That's not the type
of vacation...
833
00:32:09,594 --> 00:32:10,803
I don't know
if y'all know this.
834
00:32:10,887 --> 00:32:12,597
Not every vacation
is meant for you
835
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,557
to go on with other men.
836
00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:17,185
I learned that the hard way,
'cause a couple years ago,
837
00:32:17,268 --> 00:32:18,811
I thought
it would be a good idea
838
00:32:18,895 --> 00:32:21,314
to go on a cruise
with my best friend.
839
00:32:21,397 --> 00:32:23,566
It was just me and him.
840
00:32:25,777 --> 00:32:27,403
We thought it was gonna be
a singles cruise
841
00:32:27,487 --> 00:32:28,988
with a bunch of single girls
running around,
842
00:32:29,072 --> 00:32:31,824
but it wasn't.
843
00:32:31,908 --> 00:32:35,328
It was just me
and my best friend on a boat
844
00:32:35,411 --> 00:32:39,666
with 1,200 other couples
for 7 days straight.
845
00:32:39,749 --> 00:32:41,501
And we both straight,
but after being on a boat
846
00:32:41,584 --> 00:32:43,419
for, like, three days
with just couples,
847
00:32:43,503 --> 00:32:45,421
you become a couple.
848
00:32:45,505 --> 00:32:46,589
That's just how it works.
849
00:32:46,673 --> 00:32:48,216
Everybody partners up
on cruises.
850
00:32:48,299 --> 00:32:49,592
I didn't know that.
851
00:32:49,676 --> 00:32:52,053
There's a dinner where couples
got to wear matching outfits,
852
00:32:52,136 --> 00:32:54,222
and you don't want
to mess up anybody's picture,
853
00:32:54,305 --> 00:32:56,933
so you put on matching outfits.
854
00:32:58,643 --> 00:32:59,894
And then people come up to you.
855
00:32:59,977 --> 00:33:01,229
They'll give you
compliments like,
856
00:33:01,312 --> 00:33:03,523
"You guys look adorable."
857
00:33:03,606 --> 00:33:04,899
You just say thanks
and keep it moving.
858
00:33:04,982 --> 00:33:06,526
You don't got time
to explain to everybody
859
00:33:06,609 --> 00:33:07,860
that you're not together.
860
00:33:07,944 --> 00:33:10,029
Got to go to the salsa class
on the lovers' deck.
861
00:33:10,113 --> 00:33:12,990
Y'all know how cruises work.
They start on time.
862
00:33:13,074 --> 00:33:16,536
If you show up late,
you won't get a good seat.
863
00:33:16,619 --> 00:33:18,413
Here's why you don't go
on a boat with another man.
864
00:33:18,496 --> 00:33:21,457
Seven days, that's a long time.
You're gonna argue.
865
00:33:21,541 --> 00:33:22,875
But you're with another guy,
866
00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:25,420
so your arguments
won't make sense.
867
00:33:25,503 --> 00:33:26,879
You start fighting about stuff
868
00:33:26,963 --> 00:33:28,423
that men
shouldn't be fighting about,
869
00:33:28,506 --> 00:33:30,133
and it'll change
your relationship.
870
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:32,885
I got upset at my best friend
at the dinner table
871
00:33:32,969 --> 00:33:35,430
'cause he was ordering
too much dessert.
872
00:33:39,434 --> 00:33:42,979
That's not the type of stuff
men should be fighting about.
873
00:33:43,062 --> 00:33:45,106
But that's my best friend.
874
00:33:45,189 --> 00:33:48,067
And diabetes runs
in his family.
875
00:33:50,319 --> 00:33:52,905
I don't want to have
to see him go through that.
876
00:33:54,323 --> 00:33:55,241
Craziest thing we did--
877
00:33:55,324 --> 00:33:57,285
on the last night,
we went to the magic show.
878
00:33:57,368 --> 00:33:59,829
Don't go to the magic show
with your boys.
879
00:33:59,912 --> 00:34:03,249
There was a hypnotist
at the magic show.
880
00:34:03,332 --> 00:34:04,459
He asked for two volunteers.
881
00:34:04,542 --> 00:34:05,793
He was like,
"Can I have a single girl
882
00:34:05,877 --> 00:34:06,794
and a single guy to the stage?"
883
00:34:06,878 --> 00:34:07,962
Right away,
a single girl volunteer,
884
00:34:08,045 --> 00:34:09,338
he called her up to the stage,
so I told my boy,
885
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:10,673
I was like,
"Look, there's a single girl.
886
00:34:10,757 --> 00:34:12,467
You should go up there.
Maybe you could talk to her."
887
00:34:12,550 --> 00:34:14,260
So my boy volunteered.
He calls him up to the stage.
888
00:34:14,343 --> 00:34:15,928
Hypnotized both of them,
had them playing games.
889
00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:16,971
It was fun.
890
00:34:17,054 --> 00:34:18,473
I was very excited and proud
of my friend.
891
00:34:18,556 --> 00:34:20,641
I was standing up, clapping
for him, cheering him on.
892
00:34:20,725 --> 00:34:21,726
I was cool.
893
00:34:21,809 --> 00:34:23,519
It was just weird
for everybody else around us
894
00:34:23,603 --> 00:34:25,605
'cause everybody on the cruise
had already got to know us
895
00:34:25,688 --> 00:34:29,108
as the Black gay couple
on the cruise.
896
00:34:29,192 --> 00:34:31,652
So they was just confused
as to why I was so excited
897
00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,488
for my boy going back
into the closet
898
00:34:33,571 --> 00:34:35,323
in the middle of vacation.
899
00:34:35,406 --> 00:34:37,116
So, for the rest of the trip,
they just kept sending me
900
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:38,785
drinks with little notes
written on them like,
901
00:34:38,868 --> 00:34:41,078
"You don't need to be
with a man like that."
902
00:34:44,415 --> 00:34:46,709
That's the last time I book a
vacation on Groupon,
903
00:34:46,793 --> 00:34:47,710
I'll tell you that.
904
00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:49,462
I don't like that.
905
00:34:50,963 --> 00:34:52,465
This is great, man.
This is great.
906
00:34:52,548 --> 00:34:54,425
I had a crazy year.
907
00:34:54,509 --> 00:34:56,677
I lost my mom last year,
which was really--
908
00:34:56,761 --> 00:34:57,637
[audience aws]
909
00:34:57,720 --> 00:34:59,347
Yeah, it was a real tough time
for me.
910
00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:01,015
I'm kind of still piecing
that back together.
911
00:35:01,098 --> 00:35:02,850
My mom was one
of the most gangster people
912
00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:05,144
I've ever met in my life--
strong Dominican woman.
913
00:35:05,228 --> 00:35:07,063
She was born
in the Dominican Republic,
914
00:35:07,146 --> 00:35:09,482
moved to the United States
at the age of 17,
915
00:35:09,565 --> 00:35:12,151
lived in the United States
for over 45 years.
916
00:35:12,235 --> 00:35:14,362
Never learned a word
of English.
917
00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:22,537
People think that's lazy.
I think that takes skill.
918
00:35:22,620 --> 00:35:24,914
You know how committed
you got to be to live somewhere
919
00:35:24,997 --> 00:35:29,252
for 45 years and not pick up
on a single word?
920
00:35:29,335 --> 00:35:32,922
That takes
Navy SEAL-level training.
921
00:35:33,005 --> 00:35:34,215
And that's the knock
on immigrants.
922
00:35:34,298 --> 00:35:35,383
That's what we tell them.
923
00:35:35,466 --> 00:35:37,093
We're like, "If you're gonna
move to this country,
924
00:35:37,176 --> 00:35:40,388
you got to learn out language
and adapt to our culture."
925
00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:42,723
We say that--America...
926
00:35:42,807 --> 00:35:46,394
the country that won't adapt
to the metric system,
927
00:35:46,477 --> 00:35:48,771
the international unit
for measuring.
928
00:35:48,855 --> 00:35:51,607
We're like, "Yeah,
we not gonna learn that."
929
00:35:51,691 --> 00:35:53,067
That's what everybody uses.
930
00:35:53,150 --> 00:35:55,027
You ever travel to Europe.
They'll try to convince you.
931
00:35:55,111 --> 00:35:57,238
They're like, "Look,
kilometers is a lot easier."
932
00:35:57,321 --> 00:35:59,365
And we like, "Yeah,
but we already made our signs,
933
00:35:59,448 --> 00:36:01,033
so I'm sorry."
934
00:36:02,702 --> 00:36:06,122
"You guys got to change.
That's how it works."
935
00:36:06,205 --> 00:36:08,541
I think not adapting to society
is the most American thing
936
00:36:08,624 --> 00:36:11,294
you could do,
and I'm a proud American,
937
00:36:11,377 --> 00:36:12,837
born and raised
in New York City.
938
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,839
If I ever had to live
in another country...
939
00:36:14,922 --> 00:36:17,592
[cheers and applause]
940
00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:20,136
I ain't adapting to shit.
941
00:36:20,219 --> 00:36:22,305
I'm bringing New York City
with me.
942
00:36:22,388 --> 00:36:24,974
I got a New York attitude.
I can't live anywhere else.
943
00:36:25,057 --> 00:36:27,435
I could be in the nicest place.
I could be in Canada.
944
00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:30,271
I get on the train,
pissed off for no reason.
945
00:36:30,354 --> 00:36:33,816
Like, "Yo, why nobody
masturbating in here?
946
00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:35,484
"Nobody masturbates
on your trains?
947
00:36:35,568 --> 00:36:37,069
"I don't like it here.
I don't feel safe.
948
00:36:37,153 --> 00:36:38,571
Take me home."
949
00:36:38,654 --> 00:36:40,281
Guys, I'm Ian Lara.
You guys have been great.
950
00:36:40,364 --> 00:36:42,783
Thank you guys for coming out.
I really appreciate it.
951
00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:44,619
This means a lot to me.
Thank you, sir.
952
00:36:44,702 --> 00:36:46,037
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
953
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:47,163
Thank you, man.
954
00:36:47,246 --> 00:36:50,082
[cheers and applause]
955
00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:53,210
[mouthing words]