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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Please welcome
Fortune Feimster!
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Oh man!
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Stop!
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Stop!
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Chicago, what's going on?
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Oh man!
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Thank you for being here at the beautiful
Chicago Shakespeare Theater.
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A lot has transpired
in the last couple of years, right?
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The world has dealt with some crazy stuff.
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It felt like the end of times,
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and I thought lesbians
would be built for that, you know?
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Put us in a bunker
with some canned hams, we're good.
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But things went south,
and I learned a lot about myself.
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I found out I have zero survival skills.
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None.
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All I had to do was stay home.
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I got nothing accomplished.
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No sourdough was started in my house.
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I didn't learn
how to make cold brew. Nothing.
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It was my partner, Jax, who surprised me.
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She was the one
outside painting our fence,
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rewired our electricity,
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fixed our plumbing.
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I was the one on the couch every night,
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just watching documentaries
about old people in love.
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Just crying in my Ugg boots.
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I found out, y'all.
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I'm not butch.
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Yeah.
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I am not butch, which is shocking, I know,
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'cause I have these broad shoulders
and my favorite color is plaid.
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But this is a preview
to a whole different movie
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than what you think you're about to watch.
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As they say,
the carpet does not match the drapes.
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Two things that I do not know
how to install.
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I look very handy, though. I do.
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I look handy.
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If you saw me
and your car was broken down,
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you might assume I could fix your car.
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I got that look about me,
'cause that is what a butch lady can do.
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She can literally
put your car on her back…
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…and walk it to a service station.
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She can actually
just spit in your gas tank…
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…and your car will start.
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Magical. But that is not me.
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And men are the most mystified
by this information.
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They come up to me constantly
at, like, a Home Depot
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because they assume I work there.
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They're like, "Uh, what's up, dude? Um…"
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"Where are the nails?"
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I'm like, "Ooh, I'm here
for a potted plant."
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"I do know
they sell M&M's at the checkout."
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We got bored at one point,
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and we drove out to the desert
in California, out to Joshua Tree,
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and I noticed up ahead on the freeway,
there was this car broken down,
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and this guy whose car it was,
he was really tall.
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He was ripped, shirtless,
he had a man bun.
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Straight ladies,
are we still into man buns?
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No!
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Oh, hard no right there.
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Wow.
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This guy had on
black-and-white striped pants.
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Looked like a gorgeous prisoner
that had escaped.
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Now his car is broken down
on the side of the road.
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I'm driving past him,
I look over my shoulder, I realize
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it's Jason Momoa. Yeah.
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Oh, you like man buns now, don't you?
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Yeah.
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That's what I thought.
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It was Aquaman,
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miles from the ocean, just
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stranded in the desert
without his superpowers.
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Beautiful, shirtless.
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I kept driving.
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We've been over this. I can't fix his car.
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I can't give him a BJ while he waits
for somebody else to fix his car.
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I got nothing for this man.
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I did the next best thing.
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When I had to get gas,
I went to his Instagram page.
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"Let me just double-check
to see if it was him."
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To me, all dudes look alike.
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Went on his page,
he had posted a picture of him
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in the black-and-white striped pants,
side of the road.
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I went, "Oh my God, that was Jason Momoa."
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And I gave his picture a like.
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I did my part.
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But I'm a lot different
than what meets the eye.
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I am a dainty lady.
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I am a delicate flower.
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I like a massage every now and then.
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This girl likes to be pampered, y'all.
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I got a butt massage
for the first time recently.
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Have y'all had one of those? Oh man!
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I'm not talking
about an elbow to the glute.
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I'm talking full-on butt, booty massage.
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I mean, I was
at this very respectable spa,
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on my stomach, and this guy
just started going in on my ass.
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Making noises too.
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I went…
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I clutched my invisible pearls.
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I had never been touched
by a man like this before.
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He just kept digging into my butt,
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and he unlocked some sort of treasure.
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I had never felt
anything that good before.
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I went home that night light as a feather.
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A whole new woman.
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I cooked a three-course meal.
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I don't even know how to cook.
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I called a few days later.
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I had to book another appointment.
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This guy was booked solid for a month.
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I was like, "Oh, this is, like, his thing.
He's the butt massage guy,
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and everybody knows about it."
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So I finally got back in there
a month later, same thing.
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Went in on my ass.
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This time for, like, 30 minutes.
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He spent more time on my butt than
I have ever spent taking care of my face.
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He wouldn't touch anything else.
Like, my feet, "Ugh, gross! Ugh."
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Just all butt.
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Went home. Called a couple of days later
to make another appointment.
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He had gotten fired.
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Yeah, somebody ruined it for all of us.
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Freaking butt narc.
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Turns out he unlocked too many treasures.
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But the one person
I did not want to find out
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that I'm not as tough as I appear
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is my partner, Jax.
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I did not want her
to know this information,
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because before me,
she dated nothing but butch women,
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and I'm talking butch.
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I'm talking cops,
truckers, and bouncers. Oh my!
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Butch.
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I'm a whole different vibe.
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I'm like, "Who wants a hug?"
Like, so different.
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But we were going
to this fancy Hollywood event,
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and I was trying to play the part,
so I had on my Men's Wearhouse suit.
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Jax had on her dress and heels, and we got
a phone call from the alarm company.
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They said our home alarm was going off,
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and did we want them
to send security out to check?
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I said, "Absolutely."
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We turn back around.
We get home, and nobody's there yet.
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Jax shifts. She goes, "Well,
we got to go in and assess the situation."
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I'm like, "No, we don't."
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She said, "Well,
my ex, Darlene, who was a cop,
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said that home alarms
are the lowest of the priority."
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I was like, "Wait."
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"I thought that ex's name was Pam."
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She's like, "There is a Darlene and a Pam.
Maybe you're thinking about Sheila."
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I'm like, "How many cops?"
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She dated, like,
the whole lady force of Chicago.
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She said, "You're really not gonna
go inside and check the house?"
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I said, "No!" So she grabbed
the high heel off of her foot like this
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and held it up like a weapon,
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and she charged in there
with one shoe off.
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Just going room to room,
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like she was gonna Jimmy Choo
someone's face if they jumped out.
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I stayed in the doorway
'cause I had on flats.
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I'm like, "How am I gonna protect myself?
I don't have a kitten heel on, nothing."
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I heard a noise at one point,
so I held the key fob up higher.
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I was like, "I will press this button,
I swear to God."
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"It says 'Panic,' and I'm panicked."
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The alarm company called,
they said it was a false alarm.
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A battery had died in one of the sensors.
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They said, "We are so sorry."
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"We hope we did not
cause you any inconvenience."
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I said, "My partner now knows
I am useless. This is very inconvenient."
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Jax came hobbling out.
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She said, "You could have
at least gone in there with me."
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I was like, "Oh my God,
that did not even occur to me."
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So I am not the protector of my family.
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And I know why Jax is so strong. I do.
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She is a kindergarten teacher,
and they are tough.
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-They have to be.
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Yeah. That's a hard job.
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But I think about
when I was in kindergarten in the '80s,
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and, oh boy,
they just let you do whatever.
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I have a picture of me
at five years old in kindergarten class,
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and I am holding
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a hammer…
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…and nails.
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I mean, first off, somebody
should have taught me how to use 'em.
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But I'm like, "Why am I holding
a hammer and nails?"
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Were we practicing hammering?
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Was the teacher like, "All right, class,
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we're gonna build shelves
for the classroom,
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and then afterwards,
maybe a nice bench for my garage"?
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That's bonkers.
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Imagine your five-year-old right now.
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They cannot color
inside of a giant circle,
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but you're gonna hand them
a large, heavy hammer
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and hope that they can hit
this itty-bitty, tiny nail.
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No!
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00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:10,563
But that's the kind of stuff
that they would do in the '80s.
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I mean, recess alone was like, "Godspeed."
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You were on your own.
I mean, think about it.
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00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,865
Our favorite game, dodgeball.
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00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:23,659
You were taking a large, heavy ball
200
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:28,247
and you were pummeling each other
in the face as hard as you can.
201
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:30,332
That's where we had to learn to Matrix.
202
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To keep from getting our teeth knocked in.
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That game did come in handy for me
a little bit later on in high school.
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I dodged a couple of balls. Not many.
205
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,764
-Um…
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00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,266
Never caught one.
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00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:51,145
It was actually Red Rover
that would get the most intense.
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00:12:51,228 --> 00:12:53,272
You guys remember Red Rover?
209
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:59,278
You get in a line with your friends
and you lock arms.
210
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Your other friends would get in a line
across from you and they'd lock arms.
211
00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:08,579
And then you yell, "Hold the line!"
212
00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:12,458
"Hold the line!"
213
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:14,084
Like we're Braveheart.
214
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:19,632
You're staring your friends down
from across the field.
215
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:24,220
Your only objective is to run as hard
as you can right towards that line,
216
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:28,098
and they just wanna break your arm.
217
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,811
Then all you wanna do
is when they're running towards you,
218
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:35,022
you wanna grab your neighbor's arm,
you wanna pull your arms up,
219
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:38,317
and then you just wanna
crush their clavicle.
220
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,695
And then you start taunting each other.
221
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,990
You go, "Red Rover, Red Rover,
222
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,202
you send that little bitch Timmy…"
223
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,080
"…right on over."
224
00:13:56,544 --> 00:14:00,256
Timmy gets that look in his eye.
He starts running as hard as he can.
225
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:06,345
We're like, "Hold the line!"
226
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:07,596
Here he comes.
227
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,056
We grab each other's arm.
228
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,266
We pull our line up.
229
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:12,268
Now Timmy's crashed through our line.
230
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:14,478
Now our arm's dangling from the socket.
231
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,731
We're like, "Did we win?"
232
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,609
"Did we hold the line?"
233
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,987
Your teacher's not doing anything.
234
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:26,740
She's over there on the blacktop,
just smoking a Virginia Slim.
235
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,373
Having some sort of midlife crisis.
236
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:38,794
She's like, "They don't pay me enough
to care about that."
237
00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,341
The PE equipment was insane.
238
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:45,634
We had merry-go-rounds.
239
00:14:46,343 --> 00:14:48,387
They're metal death traps.
240
00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:53,475
They were only fun
if you would spin 'em 60 miles an hour,
241
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:56,812
and then we would try to run
and jump on 'em while they're moving.
242
00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:01,734
It's like trying to jump
on the hood of a moving vehicle.
243
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,319
But there was nowhere to land.
244
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:06,238
There was already 20 friends
in a nook just going around.
245
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:13,579
Couldn't touch anything
'cause it's 135 degrees in the sun.
246
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:17,541
Inevitably one friend
would fall off and get trapped.
247
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,543
"Agh!"
248
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:23,422
Bleeding from the kneecap now, we're
trying to get our teacher's attention.
249
00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:25,299
She's like, "20 more minutes!"
250
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:28,928
"This is me time."
251
00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:37,603
And because I'm from North Carolina,
we used to play with tires.
252
00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:41,690
Yeah, I'm talking about tires
that fell off of a Mack truck,
253
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:45,027
rolled into the elementary school
parking lot.
254
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:49,949
Our administrators are like,
"Well, we don't got much of a budget,
255
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:52,952
so we'll figure out something to do
with these old things."
256
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,787
These were large tires.
257
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:57,831
You stand them up, they're this tall,
258
00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,292
like 75 pounds, hollow in the middle.
259
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:04,588
We had a hill
in the back of our elementary school,
260
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:10,135
so it was our teachers
who had to push these tires up that hill,
261
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:13,305
Just so angry,
just pushing them up there.
262
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,849
They're like,
"I have a master's in education."
263
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:23,023
We ran up there, we took our little
five-year-old bodies, and we would…
264
00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:29,363
We got into the middle of these tires.
265
00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:31,782
Our friend would take
their five-year-old body,
266
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:33,826
get in the other one.
267
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:39,832
Then it was our teachers
who would get behind each tire,
268
00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,668
and get momentum.
269
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:49,299
"All right, you little fuckers."
270
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:55,139
"Get ready for the ride of your life."
271
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:59,435
And then they pushed us down a hill.
272
00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:03,564
We got speeds of, like, 20 miles an hour,
40 miles an hour, 60 miles an hour.
273
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:05,107
There's no handle. You're just like…
274
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:13,490
We crashed into a brick wall,
flew out of the tire, vomited.
275
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:18,787
Your teacher came down the hill,
put her cigarette out on your forehead.
276
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,459
She'd be like, "Recess is dismissed.
In fact, school's dismissed."
277
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:27,880
"I got to go meet my man friend
who I connected with via the newspaper."
278
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:33,052
And that was recess in the '80s.
279
00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:40,100
It was a different time, y'all.
280
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,728
It was when you could take
a large calculator
281
00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:44,980
and write the word
282
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,107
"boobs."
283
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:48,692
Ah.
284
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,404
My favorite number,
285
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,949
80085.
286
00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:01,872
I mean, yeah,
kids can get their phone out right now
287
00:18:01,955 --> 00:18:04,500
and see as many boobs as they want,
288
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:08,128
but who got to write it out in numbers?
289
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,171
We did.
290
00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:15,928
Good times, y'all.
291
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,222
But I'm glad to be in a relationship.
292
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,182
I like it. It suits me.
293
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:23,018
Dating is hard. It's really hard.
I don't know.
294
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:26,021
You got to go on apps and swipe
and do the things.
295
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:30,109
Like, if I were single,
my favorite dating app would be Grubhub.
296
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:33,529
For sure.
297
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:37,491
I think swingers
have it figured out. I do.
298
00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:40,577
It had to be tough for them
dating in the pandemic,
299
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,956
uh, but they have ways to let each other
know that they are swingers.
300
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,249
Did you guys know this?
301
00:18:45,749 --> 00:18:47,334
I'm gonna teach you. All right.
302
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:52,756
I found out that if you want to let
people know that you are a swinger,
303
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,884
you can put flamingos in your front yard.
304
00:18:56,385 --> 00:19:00,889
Yeah. It gets very confusing in Florida
and at my mom's house.
305
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:06,687
Maybe that's why she's been busy
on the weekends. I don't know.
306
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,023
I don't quite understand it.
307
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:12,067
Do people just drive
around the neighborhoods
308
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,278
looking for a flock of flamingos?
309
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,614
They see it, they ring your doorbell
and tell you they're down to clown.
310
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:18,574
I don't know.
311
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,117
But I like it.
312
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:23,996
There's also, uh,
an upside-down pineapple.
313
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:27,958
You can put an upside-down pineapple
on your front porch.
314
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:29,418
Don't put it right side up.
315
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,086
That is just a pineapple.
316
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,924
I always assumed
that an upside-down pineapple
317
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,260
was letting people know
that you like cake.
318
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:43,307
I would stop
and ring a stranger's doorbell for cake.
319
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:48,979
But I actually got approached
by a swinger couple after a show.
320
00:19:49,062 --> 00:19:51,690
Uh, they came up to me.
Yeah, it was very exciting.
321
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:56,737
And I am not an ageist,
I am just telling you a fact.
322
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:58,655
This is just a fact of the story.
323
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,532
They both had canes.
324
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,788
So this was not their first rodeo.
325
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:11,627
And the wife informed me
that her husband really enjoyed the show,
326
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,253
which I very much appreciated,
327
00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:17,174
and she said that he had told her
by the end of the show
328
00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:20,427
that she was allowed to get with me.
329
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:26,808
Sexually? I don't know.
330
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,437
I didn't know what to say.
331
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,190
So I curtsied.
332
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:41,615
Which is not a no.
333
00:20:44,159 --> 00:20:45,661
But it is polite.
334
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,832
But you got to put yourself out there,
date different people.
335
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:54,127
I went out with different people.
I went out with a nurse at one point.
336
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:57,756
And God bless nurses. They have
gotten us through this crazy time.
337
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,675
-Yeah.
338
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:03,345
I thought it would be different.
339
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:07,099
I thought she'd come home
in a sexy nurse outfit
340
00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,767
and be like, "Who's got an owie?"
341
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:10,310
And I'd be like, "Me."
342
00:21:11,895 --> 00:21:15,899
But it didn't work like that.
She'd come home in her dirty-ass scrubs.
343
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,567
She brought her work home with her.
344
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:20,153
She was always following me around
with a clipboard,
345
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,240
asking me about my bowel movements.
346
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:28,078
She thought I should lose weight,
which, touché.
347
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:32,165
I'm just saying it wasn't fun
to eat nachos with her,
348
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:35,836
'cause she'd look at me and then
look at the nachos and be like, "Okay."
349
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:40,966
"All right. Well, someone made a choice."
350
00:21:41,508 --> 00:21:42,551
"Mm-hm."
351
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:46,722
"Three kinds of cheeses,
sour cream, and liquid cheese?"
352
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:49,975
I'm like, "It's called queso."
353
00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:53,812
"And it's Spanish for heart disease."
354
00:21:55,230 --> 00:21:56,690
"And it's delicious."
355
00:21:57,190 --> 00:21:59,568
I knew it wasn't gonna work out
right then and there.
356
00:21:59,651 --> 00:22:03,113
I was trying to find, like,
a legitimate excuse to break things off.
357
00:22:03,196 --> 00:22:05,824
She's doing the Lord's work,
and I didn't wanna just be like,
358
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:09,453
"Hey, you bum me out when I eat nachos."
359
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:18,670
Then I eventually met Jax
right here in Chicago.
360
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:25,052
At Gay Pride.
361
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:26,178
Yeah.
362
00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:29,389
There's hope.
363
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,018
We met in a parking lot.
364
00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:35,187
We met in a parking lot.
365
00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:39,232
That's how few lesbian bars
are left in the United States.
366
00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:42,319
The lesbians are just
relegated to a parking lot
367
00:22:42,402 --> 00:22:44,738
where you can either party or valet cars.
368
00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:45,989
It's up to you.
369
00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:52,204
But we dated for a bit, but I knew
pretty early on that, uh, Jax was the one.
370
00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:55,123
And it got to the point
where I knew it was time to propose,
371
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:58,251
and I'm not known for romance,
so I called my friend.
372
00:22:58,335 --> 00:23:00,670
I said, "Where should I propose to Jax?"
373
00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:04,007
And she said,
"Oh, you got to go to Big Sur."
374
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:06,468
And no, that was not
my nickname in high school.
375
00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:10,597
It's a town in California
out by the coast,
376
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,974
really beautiful bridges and cliffs.
377
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:15,685
She said, "There's this hotel,
very romantic, call there."
378
00:23:15,769 --> 00:23:19,106
I called the hotel, and whoever was
on the phone was upselling everything.
379
00:23:19,189 --> 00:23:21,733
I just wanted a standard cabin.
She goes, "Whoa!"
380
00:23:21,817 --> 00:23:24,736
"You're gonna propose?
Don't you be cheap, okay?"
381
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:26,488
"Don't be cheap."
382
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:29,449
"You better upgrade to that ocean view,
I'm telling you."
383
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:30,450
"It's worth it."
384
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:32,494
"It's gonna knock her tits off."
385
00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:35,497
I don't know if she actually said that,
386
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:38,792
but that was the energy
she was bringing to the conversation.
387
00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:41,628
I'm like, "Fine."
I paid a bunch of extra money,
388
00:23:41,711 --> 00:23:45,006
got this ocean view that's supposed
to be great, and off we went.
389
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:49,845
We get up there to this cabin, I walk in.
A very old cabin, very expensive cabin.
390
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:53,265
I said, "But wait till you see this view."
391
00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:56,852
And I'm about to open that back door,
and I say to her,
392
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:58,728
"Hold on to your titties."
393
00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:03,817
And I open that back door,
we walk outside,
394
00:24:03,900 --> 00:24:05,318
and it is just fog,
395
00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:06,445
fog,
396
00:24:07,237 --> 00:24:08,113
fog.
397
00:24:08,196 --> 00:24:10,574
Just a hateful fog.
398
00:24:11,366 --> 00:24:16,121
I'm like, "What is this?
An 1800s lesbian period piece?"
399
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:20,625
"Why is there so much fog?"
400
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:24,379
"Is Kate Winslet down there
searching for fossils?"
401
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:30,218
Not how I wanted things to start,
but I was like, "It's fine."
402
00:24:30,302 --> 00:24:33,722
My plan was I was gonna take her
to their fancy restaurant for dinner,
403
00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:37,809
and then I would go back to the room,
and that is where I would propose.
404
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:41,104
So I, uh…
I called ahead to the hotel and I say,
405
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:45,692
"Can you guys help me make our room
look like it does in The Bachelor?"
406
00:24:45,775 --> 00:24:47,777
I don't know, ladies seem to like that.
407
00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:53,575
"Can we get some candles and rose petals,
uh, how about some champagne?"
408
00:24:53,658 --> 00:24:56,578
"How about some strawberries?
But let's dip them in chocolate."
409
00:24:56,661 --> 00:24:57,871
"Otherwise it's fruit."
410
00:25:00,957 --> 00:25:03,293
They said absolutely,
charged me a bunch of money.
411
00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:05,504
Happy to pay, happy to have the help.
412
00:25:05,587 --> 00:25:09,508
So off we went. We go to dinner. I go
find the waiter 'cause I need his help.
413
00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:10,842
I tell him what's going on.
414
00:25:10,926 --> 00:25:14,262
So I walk up to him
and I see that his name is Craig.
415
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:16,264
And Craig is very dramatic.
416
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,600
I think that he does
local theater up there.
417
00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:23,146
So I walk up to him.
I go, "Hi, Craig," and he goes,
418
00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:24,773
"Hi."
419
00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:33,365
I said, "Craig, I am going to be proposing
to my girlfriend tonight," and he goes,
420
00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:38,662
"Oh… my… God!"
421
00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:42,832
He reminded me of the candlestick
in Beauty and the Beast.
422
00:25:42,916 --> 00:25:45,377
Just a lot of, like,
423
00:25:45,919 --> 00:25:49,047
"You will propose,
and the curse will be broken!"
424
00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:53,760
I was like, "Thank you.
I'm very excited, but I'm nervous."
425
00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:57,347
"I don't want dinner to drag on.
This ring is burning a hole in my pocket."
426
00:25:57,430 --> 00:25:59,224
"So they're doing stuff to our room."
427
00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:02,018
"Do you mind near the end of dinner,
calling the front desk,
428
00:26:02,102 --> 00:26:05,272
finding out if our room is ready,
then giving me some sort of signal,
429
00:26:05,355 --> 00:26:06,982
and that's when I'll know to wrap it up?"
430
00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:09,401
He goes, "Absolutely. You got it."
431
00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:15,365
I said, "You don't need to offer dessert,
I'm taking care of that in the room."
432
00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:16,283
He goes, "Okay."
433
00:26:16,366 --> 00:26:18,368
And then he turns around like this…
434
00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:21,246
…and leaves.
435
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:26,376
I'm like, "I like Craig."
436
00:26:28,211 --> 00:26:30,714
So we start eating this meal,
437
00:26:30,797 --> 00:26:35,468
and every course that comes out
just ends up being weirder than the next.
438
00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:38,513
It's too fancy for us. It's too fancy.
439
00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:41,933
It's a lot of foams
and tentacles and shells.
440
00:26:42,017 --> 00:26:45,854
A lot of stuff from that "ocean"
I keep hearing about.
441
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:52,027
So everything is just a hair off,
but we finally finish dinner,
442
00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:55,864
and, uh, I'm ready to get the night going,
443
00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:56,948
and Craig goes,
444
00:26:57,032 --> 00:27:00,577
"Hi, ladies. Who wants dessert?"
445
00:27:00,660 --> 00:27:01,995
I'm like, "Not us, Craig."
446
00:27:02,078 --> 00:27:02,912
He goes, "Oops!"
447
00:27:09,461 --> 00:27:10,712
I was like, "Craig!"
448
00:27:11,588 --> 00:27:13,214
"You had two jobs, bud."
449
00:27:14,341 --> 00:27:19,262
How could someone be so excited
and incompetent all in one body?
450
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:22,766
So now Jax is very confused,
451
00:27:22,849 --> 00:27:25,352
'cause she's never
not seen me order dessert.
452
00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,231
And I'm staring at her
and I don't know what to say.
453
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:33,568
I'm thinking about getting this right,
I want it to be perfect.
454
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:36,905
It's the one story that everybody
asks you about. They want every detail.
455
00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:40,075
And Craig's not coming, he's not coming.
456
00:27:40,158 --> 00:27:42,410
It is the least romantic dinner
of our life.
457
00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:45,455
And then finally,
after what felt like a lifetime,
458
00:27:45,538 --> 00:27:48,458
Craig sneaks up behind Jax.
459
00:27:51,378 --> 00:27:53,713
And he's now hovering over her shoulder.
460
00:27:53,797 --> 00:27:55,799
She has no idea that he is behind her,
461
00:27:56,716 --> 00:27:58,510
and he is just staring at me
462
00:27:59,427 --> 00:28:02,931
so… intensely.
463
00:28:05,058 --> 00:28:07,268
I have been with Jax for seven years.
464
00:28:07,352 --> 00:28:10,188
We have never
looked at each other in the eye
465
00:28:10,730 --> 00:28:12,482
for as long as Craig
466
00:28:13,817 --> 00:28:14,776
is staring at me.
467
00:28:21,825 --> 00:28:22,992
Then finally, he goes…
468
00:28:23,535 --> 00:28:24,494
"Mm!"
469
00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:27,872
So proud of himself.
470
00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:30,583
Turns around.
471
00:28:32,252 --> 00:28:36,798
Into the fog, never to be seen of again.
472
00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:43,763
We're heading to the room.
473
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:46,641
I'm trying to think of all the things
I want to say to Jax.
474
00:28:46,725 --> 00:28:49,644
I just want it to be perfect,
I want it to be romantic.
475
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:52,230
We're getting up to the door,
I'm starting to sweat.
476
00:28:52,313 --> 00:28:53,815
I'm getting nervous,
477
00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:56,609
and when I get nervous,
I start doing finger guns.
478
00:28:57,819 --> 00:29:00,071
So I look at Jax and start going…
479
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:11,499
And then I am ready
to open that door to romance.
480
00:29:12,333 --> 00:29:13,334
We walk in there,
481
00:29:13,418 --> 00:29:15,754
and it just looks like a crime scene.
482
00:29:18,339 --> 00:29:21,426
Our eyes are adjusting
'cause it's weirdly lit.
483
00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:25,764
You know what a room looks like when
just the bathroom light's been left on?
484
00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:30,393
I'm looking around,
there's, like, 50 tea light candles,
485
00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:32,854
but they're all battery-operated.
486
00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:36,983
And half of them are just dead.
They're just dead.
487
00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:39,736
Ten are flickering, like, "We're trying!"
488
00:29:40,945 --> 00:29:43,573
My OCD brain is like,
"Who made this call?"
489
00:29:43,656 --> 00:29:47,744
But I can't even focus on it because
I'm standing on a mound of something.
490
00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:50,205
There are rose petals everywhere.
491
00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:53,792
Everywhere!
Not in any way that makes sense.
492
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:56,836
There's no heart shape or initials.
493
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,755
It's just chaos.
494
00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:01,883
It looks like
someone opened that back door,
495
00:30:01,966 --> 00:30:04,010
a bunch of shit flew in the room,
496
00:30:04,719 --> 00:30:06,971
then they grabbed a leaf blower…
497
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:12,268
…and called it a night.
498
00:30:13,019 --> 00:30:16,648
I'm like, "Did I order
the 'It'll Do' package?"
499
00:30:18,024 --> 00:30:19,692
"What is this?"
500
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:23,196
And when you guys
think of roses and romance,
501
00:30:23,279 --> 00:30:24,989
what color do you think of?
502
00:30:25,073 --> 00:30:25,907
Red!
503
00:30:25,990 --> 00:30:27,826
Red? Interesting.
504
00:30:29,452 --> 00:30:31,663
Well, these were white rose petals,
505
00:30:32,330 --> 00:30:33,581
half-dead.
506
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:38,294
I googled later,
"What do white roses stand for?"
507
00:30:38,378 --> 00:30:39,712
It's chastity.
508
00:30:40,380 --> 00:30:41,256
Yeah.
509
00:30:42,048 --> 00:30:46,386
This is, in fact,
an 1800s lesbian period piece.
510
00:30:49,889 --> 00:30:54,269
So even though they did not apparently
allow real candles in this cabin,
511
00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:57,397
they did light a roaring fireplace,
512
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,275
and that was exactly
where they decided to place
513
00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:02,861
the chocolate-covered strawberries
514
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:05,238
and the bucket of ice with champagne.
515
00:31:05,321 --> 00:31:07,699
Both are just profusely dripping
516
00:31:07,782 --> 00:31:09,742
onto the floor.
517
00:31:10,326 --> 00:31:13,705
Nothing about this scenario
makes Jax think
518
00:31:13,788 --> 00:31:16,499
that she is about to get proposed to.
519
00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:20,128
I have a split second to decide
520
00:31:20,211 --> 00:31:23,006
which direction I am going
with this night.
521
00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:24,799
Do I call the front desk and be like,
522
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,969
"Somebody broke into our room
and destroyed it"?
523
00:31:29,137 --> 00:31:30,471
Or do I lean into this
524
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:35,268
and pretend that every single thing
that is happening in that room
525
00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:39,522
is exactly how I planned it?
526
00:31:41,107 --> 00:31:43,985
So now I'm staring at Jax
like a deer in headlights.
527
00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:48,907
I can't think of any of the romantic
things I was gonna say to her.
528
00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:51,200
I'm sweating again.
529
00:31:52,702 --> 00:31:54,037
I'm getting nervous.
530
00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:56,664
Oh man, here come the finger guns.
531
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:04,130
I forget to get on my knee.
I can't think of anything.
532
00:32:04,213 --> 00:32:06,174
I'm panicked, so I just go…
533
00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:12,263
And I yelled,
534
00:32:12,347 --> 00:32:13,806
"You wanna?"
535
00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:20,146
Jax curtsied.
536
00:32:22,815 --> 00:32:27,445
And then, thank goodness, she said yes.
537
00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:36,537
Phew.
538
00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:40,375
So, um… So now that we were engaged,
539
00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:42,585
we had to start planning our wedding.
540
00:32:42,669 --> 00:32:45,046
And we were engaged for a while,
'cause truth be told,
541
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,256
Jax and I are not big planners.
542
00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:52,470
And then my mom, Ginger, started
offering up her wedding planning services.
543
00:32:53,471 --> 00:32:55,014
And I was like, "Oh boy."
544
00:32:55,723 --> 00:32:58,768
Because my mom got remarried
later on in life,
545
00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:02,355
and I was at that wedding, and, um,
546
00:33:03,439 --> 00:33:05,149
my mom had a circus theme.
547
00:33:05,233 --> 00:33:06,734
-Yeah.
548
00:33:07,318 --> 00:33:10,071
She was marrying
this old-school Southern guy
549
00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:12,490
who sounded like Foghorn Leghorn.
550
00:33:13,866 --> 00:33:15,827
He was not part of the planning.
551
00:33:15,910 --> 00:33:20,748
Uh, I don't know if my mom thought she was
planning a 12-year-old's birthday party
552
00:33:20,832 --> 00:33:22,000
or her wedding,
553
00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:24,252
but that's what happened.
It was a circus theme.
554
00:33:24,335 --> 00:33:25,878
She invited 300 people.
555
00:33:25,962 --> 00:33:28,381
That's right, 300 people.
556
00:33:28,464 --> 00:33:31,384
To come to the Methodist church
for this big party.
557
00:33:31,884 --> 00:33:35,221
And she rented
a red-and-white striped circus tent
558
00:33:35,304 --> 00:33:38,057
and had them put it
inside the fellowship hall.
559
00:33:38,141 --> 00:33:41,102
Not outside where tents go. Inside.
560
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:44,981
She rented a cotton candy maker.
561
00:33:45,064 --> 00:33:49,277
She said," I'm gonna serve nachos
with 'jalapee-nos,'" as she called them.
562
00:33:49,986 --> 00:33:52,989
There was a juggler.
I guess I was the clown.
563
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:57,452
She had just 12 gallons of ice cream.
564
00:33:57,535 --> 00:34:00,413
The main entrée was a hot dog cart.
565
00:34:00,496 --> 00:34:04,083
She just found some guy
on the side of the road the week before,
566
00:34:04,167 --> 00:34:06,502
and was like,
"What are you doing on Saturday?"
567
00:34:07,045 --> 00:34:11,632
And this guy got there. I don't think
he'd sold more than 20 hot dogs in a day.
568
00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:15,261
And now he has 300 starving people
569
00:34:15,344 --> 00:34:19,307
wrapped around the church,
just desperate for one of his wieners.
570
00:34:20,850 --> 00:34:22,894
He was just like, "Agh!"
571
00:34:22,977 --> 00:34:23,811
Panic.
572
00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:25,730
In the middle of this party,
573
00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:28,775
there were two round, plastic baby pools.
574
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:31,694
I was like,
"Are we bobbing for apples now?"
575
00:34:32,528 --> 00:34:37,325
No. My mom had put ice
in both of these plastic baby pools
576
00:34:37,408 --> 00:34:41,704
and then put canned soft drinks
in both of these pools
577
00:34:41,788 --> 00:34:43,831
and announced to the party
578
00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:46,167
that these were our coolers.
579
00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:53,966
I walked in there and I saw two plastic
baby pools being used as coolers,
580
00:34:54,050 --> 00:34:58,137
and I thought, "Here I am
working so hard in Los Angeles,
581
00:34:58,221 --> 00:35:00,389
trying to make a name for myself,
582
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:04,644
and we are trash."
583
00:35:07,522 --> 00:35:10,566
"We are trash."
584
00:35:11,484 --> 00:35:14,862
My mom's man friend walked in there
in his penny loafers,
585
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:16,322
not knowing what was going on.
586
00:35:16,405 --> 00:35:18,866
He about fainted. Like, "I do declare!"
587
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:23,371
But the best part was the entertainment.
588
00:35:23,454 --> 00:35:26,874
They had a woman
from the church choir singing,
589
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:29,001
and this was her big solo moment,
590
00:35:29,085 --> 00:35:32,755
and she took center stage so confidently,
591
00:35:32,839 --> 00:35:34,507
and she started singing.
592
00:36:00,950 --> 00:36:02,285
Oh, there was more.
593
00:36:02,785 --> 00:36:04,203
She started singing…
594
00:36:29,103 --> 00:36:31,981
That marriage lasted three months.
595
00:36:33,232 --> 00:36:37,445
That circus tent was up
longer than my mom's marriage lasted.
596
00:36:38,821 --> 00:36:40,281
So…
597
00:36:40,364 --> 00:36:42,200
We started planning our wedding
598
00:36:42,283 --> 00:36:44,952
and, uh, did not involve my mom.
599
00:36:46,078 --> 00:36:48,164
The pandemic hit, and we thought,
600
00:36:48,247 --> 00:36:51,292
"Well, I guess we're not
gonna be able to get married."
601
00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:53,920
Uh, but then the fall came,
it was October,
602
00:36:54,003 --> 00:36:56,964
and we're like, "Actually,
this is the perfect time to get married."
603
00:36:57,048 --> 00:37:01,010
"We can do it how we want and we don't
have to worry about anybody else."
604
00:37:01,093 --> 00:37:02,845
So yeah, it was great.
605
00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:08,601
We planned it in two weeks,
rented an Airbnb out by the ocean,
606
00:37:08,684 --> 00:37:11,687
had a stranger in a mask be our officiant.
607
00:37:12,438 --> 00:37:13,773
We Zoomed our families.
608
00:37:13,856 --> 00:37:16,442
I think my mom is still on that Zoom call.
609
00:37:19,153 --> 00:37:22,823
And it's not how either of us
ever thought that we would get married,
610
00:37:22,907 --> 00:37:24,784
but it ended up being perfect
611
00:37:24,867 --> 00:37:27,536
'cause it was just about us
and just about our day,
612
00:37:27,620 --> 00:37:29,580
and, uh, we even got baptized that day.
613
00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:30,706
Not on purpose.
614
00:37:32,124 --> 00:37:36,671
But… But we were taking these,
uh, these photographs,
615
00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:40,216
and we saw the sun was setting, and
there was these stairs down to the ocean.
616
00:37:40,299 --> 00:37:42,927
We were like, "Oh my gosh,
we got to get a picture here."
617
00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:44,220
So we stand over there,
618
00:37:44,303 --> 00:37:47,348
and our amazing photographer
got a series of pictures.
619
00:37:47,431 --> 00:37:49,684
And in our first picture,
we look beautiful.
620
00:37:49,767 --> 00:37:53,187
We look like, uh,
two lesbians at prom together.
621
00:37:55,231 --> 00:37:56,065
Gorgeous picture.
622
00:37:56,148 --> 00:37:58,109
Our second picture,
we're kind of doing this
623
00:37:58,192 --> 00:38:00,361
'cause something is looming over us.
624
00:38:01,404 --> 00:38:05,408
Like the principal who's angry
that two lesbians went to prom together.
625
00:38:07,660 --> 00:38:10,037
Then in the third picture,
we're doing this
626
00:38:10,121 --> 00:38:13,833
because the ocean is now
crashing into our earholes.
627
00:38:14,542 --> 00:38:17,670
Fourth picture,
we're completely covered by water.
628
00:38:17,753 --> 00:38:20,464
Fifth picture,
the ocean's been sucked back out to sea,
629
00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:22,383
and we're dripping wet like…
630
00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:28,347
"So glad we decided
to take this picture in the sunset."
631
00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,685
We have all these pictures,
and I think it means it's good luck.
632
00:38:32,768 --> 00:38:35,646
That's what I've been told.
It's good luck. We're gonna go with that.
633
00:38:36,230 --> 00:38:38,816
But, uh, a few days after we got married,
634
00:38:38,899 --> 00:38:41,360
they announced online
that we had gotten married,
635
00:38:41,444 --> 00:38:45,573
and we got a lot of love and a lot
of support, which I really appreciate.
636
00:38:50,369 --> 00:38:52,496
I try to put out positivity,
637
00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:55,207
so when it comes back to me,
it means so much.
638
00:38:55,291 --> 00:38:57,251
I try not to focus on negative stuff.
639
00:38:57,335 --> 00:39:00,129
I try to surround myself,
uh, with positive things.
640
00:39:00,212 --> 00:39:02,757
I try not to read negative comments,
641
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:05,384
but in a job like mine,
you do hear from a lot of people.
642
00:39:05,468 --> 00:39:09,889
And I don't see everything,
but occasionally a turd will get through.
643
00:39:11,223 --> 00:39:15,269
And I happened to see this message
on that day that was sent to me directly.
644
00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:19,148
And, uh, I wanted to read that message
to you guys, if that's okay.
645
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:20,691
-Yes!
-Yes!
646
00:39:20,775 --> 00:39:21,859
All right.
647
00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:24,195
It's from a guy named Gary,
648
00:39:24,278 --> 00:39:26,364
and, uh, I will preface it with
649
00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:31,494
you are not going to like this message,
but we are going to unpack it together.
650
00:39:33,079 --> 00:39:38,459
So here's what Gary wrote to me on the day
it was announced that I got married.
651
00:39:39,043 --> 00:39:42,254
He said, "How long have you and your wife
652
00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:43,881
been mentally ill,
653
00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:46,509
taco-licking lesbians
654
00:39:47,468 --> 00:39:49,970
who should be put in Alcatraz?"
655
00:39:52,264 --> 00:39:54,475
I was like, "Wow, that
656
00:39:55,309 --> 00:39:57,228
is very specific."
657
00:40:00,648 --> 00:40:03,859
There was no grammar
in that message, by the way.
658
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:06,112
He was like, "Mentally ill taco licking…"
659
00:40:06,195 --> 00:40:11,367
I'm like, "I think he means
'mentally ill,' comma, 'taco,' hyphen…"
660
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:12,701
You guys get it.
661
00:40:12,785 --> 00:40:15,162
Already I'm doing him favors.
662
00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:19,708
And I guess I was bored
on this particular day,
663
00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:23,754
because I was like, "I just got to see
what this person looks like."
664
00:40:23,838 --> 00:40:27,508
"Who sends a message like this
to a complete stranger?"
665
00:40:27,591 --> 00:40:30,636
So I went on his page,
and he did not have a picture of himself.
666
00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:33,889
It was a picture of an American flag,
667
00:40:33,973 --> 00:40:36,517
and written across of it, it said,
668
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:40,187
"We need God in America again."
669
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:44,275
That is what Gary leads with
670
00:40:45,151 --> 00:40:46,610
on Instagram,
671
00:40:47,278 --> 00:40:50,906
and then that was the message
that he sent me.
672
00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:53,409
I was like,
673
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:56,745
"I don't know that God
674
00:40:57,455 --> 00:41:02,334
would be into the phrase 'taco-licking.'"
675
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,423
Call me crazy, which he did…
676
00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:12,636
…but that did not sound
very Christ-like to me.
677
00:41:14,054 --> 00:41:17,892
By the way, there is nowhere
in the Bible where it says
678
00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:21,645
what you can or cannot do
with your Mexican food.
679
00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:22,980
Just so you know.
680
00:41:28,402 --> 00:41:30,154
That is up to you, my friends.
681
00:41:30,738 --> 00:41:33,866
So then Gary said
that we should be put in Alcatraz.
682
00:41:33,949 --> 00:41:36,535
Now, I don't know
if he doesn't have Google…
683
00:41:37,536 --> 00:41:41,165
…but Alcatraz has not been a prison
for a while.
684
00:41:41,248 --> 00:41:43,542
If that's what he intended,
it's not a prison.
685
00:41:43,626 --> 00:41:45,419
It's actually a museum,
686
00:41:46,212 --> 00:41:49,715
and it's a museum in San Francisco,
687
00:41:49,798 --> 00:41:55,012
which is one of the gayest cities
in the whole world.
688
00:41:58,390 --> 00:42:02,728
I'm like, "Is Gary telling me
I should be in a gay museum?"
689
00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:05,981
"Gary, stop."
690
00:42:06,690 --> 00:42:09,944
"Am I a trailblazer? Stop, Gary."
691
00:42:11,487 --> 00:42:15,407
At the top of the message, it said
that he and I did not follow each other,
692
00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:17,117
which was not a surprise.
693
00:42:17,785 --> 00:42:21,539
But it did say that we followed
one person in common.
694
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:26,710
I'm like, "Who in the world
could Gary and I possibly agree on?"
695
00:42:26,794 --> 00:42:29,922
"We seem like very different people."
696
00:42:30,589 --> 00:42:33,509
And it said, "You both follow
697
00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:35,094
Oprah."
698
00:42:37,930 --> 00:42:38,764
What?
699
00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:44,186
I have to say, I did not take Gary
as an Oprah kind of guy.
700
00:42:44,937 --> 00:42:47,189
But that is how famous Oprah is.
701
00:42:47,273 --> 00:42:48,440
She builds bridges.
702
00:42:50,526 --> 00:42:52,236
So I read the message again.
703
00:42:52,319 --> 00:42:55,030
"How long have you and your wife
been mentally ill,
704
00:42:55,114 --> 00:42:58,784
taco-licking lesbians
who should be put in Alcatraz?"
705
00:42:58,867 --> 00:43:01,829
And I was like, "Why have I not moved on
from this message?"
706
00:43:04,999 --> 00:43:06,500
And I'm looking at it.
707
00:43:08,085 --> 00:43:08,961
"What is it?"
708
00:43:09,044 --> 00:43:10,212
Then it hit me.
709
00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:12,047
I was like, "Oh my God."
710
00:43:12,798 --> 00:43:16,885
"Gary just recognized my marriage."
711
00:43:17,469 --> 00:43:18,679
He said,
712
00:43:19,221 --> 00:43:22,182
"Your wife,"
713
00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:26,520
and that is called progress.
714
00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:40,034
Granted, he spelled "wife" with a Y,
715
00:43:40,659 --> 00:43:42,453
but I know what he meant.
716
00:43:43,662 --> 00:43:47,916
And listen, there are a lot of people
who fought many, many years
717
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,337
for someone like me
to be able to say "wife."
718
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:55,549
Gary said it in 2.2 seconds
without even thinking.
719
00:43:55,633 --> 00:43:59,011
His head would explode if he knew
how progressive that message was.
720
00:43:59,094 --> 00:44:02,389
So that is, in fact, progress, my friends.
721
00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:12,441
So we got married, we stayed at home
for the next year like everybody else.
722
00:44:12,524 --> 00:44:15,694
I couldn't go on the road and do my job,
which was really weird.
723
00:44:15,778 --> 00:44:19,657
And now that I'm back on the road,
I do not take it for granted anymore.
724
00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:23,494
It is such a beautiful thing
to come out and make people laugh,
725
00:44:23,577 --> 00:44:26,080
and to add
some sort of levity to the world.
726
00:44:26,163 --> 00:44:28,666
I love Chicago, I love coming here.
727
00:44:28,749 --> 00:44:30,334
It's one of my favorite cities.
728
00:44:37,174 --> 00:44:40,886
There was only one city on this tour
I was nervous to go back to,
729
00:44:40,969 --> 00:44:42,638
and that was Des Moines.
730
00:44:44,682 --> 00:44:47,309
Last time I was there,
it was in the middle of winter,
731
00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:50,813
and I forgot that in the Midwest,
when it is wintertime,
732
00:44:50,896 --> 00:44:52,064
and people are freezing,
733
00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:53,524
they get hammered.
734
00:44:54,024 --> 00:44:55,067
Hammered.
735
00:44:55,150 --> 00:44:58,404
It is too cold to go outside,
there is nothing else to do.
736
00:44:58,487 --> 00:45:03,367
So I get to the venue, and girls are
coming out of the bathroom like this.
737
00:45:03,450 --> 00:45:06,870
There is toilet paper
on the bottom of their shoes.
738
00:45:06,954 --> 00:45:08,414
It is 7 p.m.
739
00:45:08,497 --> 00:45:12,000
That is where we are starting this night.
740
00:45:12,084 --> 00:45:15,587
So I get out on stage,
and they are just wanting to party.
741
00:45:15,671 --> 00:45:19,091
They're sending shot after shot,
and I like drinks,
742
00:45:19,174 --> 00:45:20,843
but my vice is milkshakes,
743
00:45:20,926 --> 00:45:21,802
so I'm good.
744
00:45:22,803 --> 00:45:25,305
And they keep wanting me
to drink Fireball Whisky.
745
00:45:25,389 --> 00:45:26,807
They love Fireball Whisky.
746
00:45:26,890 --> 00:45:29,685
I think it tastes
like a bottle of gasoline
747
00:45:29,768 --> 00:45:32,896
with a stick of Big Red chewing gum
plopped in the middle.
748
00:45:35,482 --> 00:45:37,609
I'm like, "I'm good."
They're like, "What?"
749
00:45:38,193 --> 00:45:39,486
"She doesn't like Fireball!"
750
00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:41,238
"She doesn't like Fireball. Shit!"
751
00:45:41,321 --> 00:45:44,032
They cannot fathom this information.
752
00:45:44,116 --> 00:45:46,285
So now as an audience,
they only care about
753
00:45:46,368 --> 00:45:48,704
trying to figure out
what drink to send me next.
754
00:45:48,787 --> 00:45:51,248
"All right, okay,
she doesn't like Fireball."
755
00:45:51,331 --> 00:45:52,291
"All right. Oh, vodka!"
756
00:45:52,374 --> 00:45:53,751
"Yeah, send it, send it!"
757
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:56,420
All these vodka and cranberries
start coming to the stage.
758
00:45:56,503 --> 00:45:59,214
"I'm not really a vodka person."
They're like, "What?!"
759
00:45:59,965 --> 00:46:03,218
"Uh, she doesn't like vodka.
Shit, she doesn't like vodka."
760
00:46:03,302 --> 00:46:07,139
"All right. Oh, beer! Yeah, send it."
All these beers start coming to the stage.
761
00:46:07,222 --> 00:46:09,516
I'm like,
"I never acquired a taste for it."
762
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,186
They're like, "Well, that's surprising."
763
00:46:14,229 --> 00:46:16,732
I know I look like somebody
that would pound a beer,
764
00:46:16,815 --> 00:46:19,318
take the can and crush it on my forehead,
765
00:46:19,943 --> 00:46:21,487
and still recycle.
766
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,577
I'm now taking these drinks
they've passed up.
767
00:46:28,660 --> 00:46:31,955
I'm passing it back out to them.
I am only making them drunker.
768
00:46:32,039 --> 00:46:35,334
They go, "Please, for the love of God,
tell us what you drink."
769
00:46:35,417 --> 00:46:38,003
"You cannot leave Iowa
without having a drink with us."
770
00:46:38,086 --> 00:46:40,422
I'm like, "That's a weird rule,
but all right."
771
00:46:41,423 --> 00:46:44,259
I'm trying to think of a drink
that's gonna take a while to make
772
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:46,970
'cause then I can do my job,
tell some jokes.
773
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:48,972
I go, "A sangria."
774
00:46:52,976 --> 00:46:54,311
I forgot where I was.
775
00:46:55,395 --> 00:46:57,272
I was like, "All right, an old-fashioned."
776
00:46:57,356 --> 00:47:00,984
I assume they got to find
a mixologist with a little mustache.
777
00:47:01,068 --> 00:47:02,903
He's gotta freeze a large ice cube,
778
00:47:02,986 --> 00:47:04,988
bitters, slice an orange…
It'll take a while.
779
00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:07,866
Two minutes later,
these gorgeous old-fashioneds show up.
780
00:47:07,950 --> 00:47:10,744
"All right, fine.
Is this gonna make you happy?"
781
00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:13,330
I grab this drink
that's meant to be sipped, and I just…
782
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:15,082
Down the gullet.
783
00:47:16,792 --> 00:47:17,876
They are so pumped.
784
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:20,754
You would think
I had just competed in a decathlon.
785
00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:24,383
So they're having a good time.
786
00:47:24,466 --> 00:47:27,469
We get back into the show,
we're laughing, the show's great.
787
00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:31,139
Later, they start getting restless again.
I'm like, "What now?"
788
00:47:31,765 --> 00:47:35,519
I look back, and there's this older woman
trying to make her way through the crowd.
789
00:47:35,602 --> 00:47:38,021
She's got short, spiky, gray hair,
790
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:42,401
she's got this worn face
like she has seen some shit.
791
00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:45,696
She's got a leather vest on.
792
00:47:45,779 --> 00:47:48,866
I assume she's got
a dreamcatcher in her car.
793
00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:54,246
She's walking very confidently
towards the stage,
794
00:47:54,788 --> 00:47:57,165
and she lands right there
at the end of the stage,
795
00:47:57,249 --> 00:47:59,751
and I look and I see that she is holding
796
00:47:59,835 --> 00:48:01,712
a Smirnoff Ice.
797
00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:03,297
Oh!
798
00:48:03,380 --> 00:48:05,382
And she looks at me and she goes, "Hey."
799
00:48:06,133 --> 00:48:07,551
"My name's Linda…"
800
00:48:08,677 --> 00:48:12,347
"…and you are about to get iced."
801
00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:18,520
I grabbed the Smirnoff Ice and I said,
802
00:48:18,604 --> 00:48:21,899
"What time capsule
did you dig this out of?"
803
00:48:23,233 --> 00:48:25,444
Thinking the whole crowd would agree.
804
00:48:25,527 --> 00:48:26,904
They start chanting,
805
00:48:26,987 --> 00:48:29,615
"Iced, iced, iced, iced, iced!"
806
00:48:29,698 --> 00:48:32,743
They are relentless.
I'm like, "What is iced?"
807
00:48:32,826 --> 00:48:36,038
I have no idea
what they are talking about.
808
00:48:36,121 --> 00:48:39,458
This very sweet Midwestern woman
stands up. She goes,
809
00:48:39,541 --> 00:48:42,836
"Getting iced is when
you get down on your knees,
810
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:45,213
you take that bottle of Smirnoff Ice,
811
00:48:45,297 --> 00:48:48,258
you drink that whole bottle
all in one gulp,
812
00:48:48,342 --> 00:48:50,844
and that is getting iced."
813
00:48:56,516 --> 00:49:00,938
I'm not getting on my knees
814
00:49:01,480 --> 00:49:04,650
and drinking a Smirnoff Ice.
815
00:49:04,733 --> 00:49:06,360
The whole room yells,
816
00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:09,279
"Those are the rules!"
817
00:49:11,782 --> 00:49:16,119
I'm like, "I am a grown woman,
professional comedian."
818
00:49:16,203 --> 00:49:18,872
Linda yells, "Get on your knees!"
819
00:49:20,916 --> 00:49:23,168
"You are getting iced!"
820
00:49:47,109 --> 00:49:49,111
So I got on my knee.
821
00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:52,072
This would have come in handy
during my proposal.
822
00:49:53,615 --> 00:49:58,078
And I start chugging this God-awful
Smirnoff Ice. Like…
823
00:49:58,161 --> 00:50:02,124
This malt liquor bullshit's
falling down my face.
824
00:50:02,207 --> 00:50:06,003
It's all sticky and gross,
it's ruining my perfectly good cardigan.
825
00:50:06,837 --> 00:50:10,966
They're just going nuts. The audience
is going nuts. I'm like…
826
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:14,886
I finally finish this drink. Mm.
827
00:50:18,473 --> 00:50:19,474
And I stand up.
828
00:50:21,101 --> 00:50:22,477
And something about
829
00:50:23,895 --> 00:50:25,230
that old-fashioned…
830
00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:30,569
…and that Smirnoff Ice…
831
00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:34,239
and that low gravity…
832
00:50:35,449 --> 00:50:36,742
…did not mix.
833
00:50:37,242 --> 00:50:39,327
I am immediately seeing double.
834
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:41,830
I don't finish my set.
835
00:50:42,581 --> 00:50:43,999
I don't say goodnight.
836
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:46,960
I just look at the crowd and I said,
837
00:50:47,627 --> 00:50:48,920
"You did this."
838
00:50:49,921 --> 00:50:51,339
And I left.
839
00:50:59,389 --> 00:51:01,516
Passed out backstage.
840
00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:06,396
I come to, like, two hours later
in the promoter's car.
841
00:51:06,897 --> 00:51:10,108
I'm waking up, I'm like,
"How did I get here?"
842
00:51:10,192 --> 00:51:14,613
She said, "Well, three very large
security guards had to carry you outside."
843
00:51:16,656 --> 00:51:18,950
I'm like, "I did not ask that."
844
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:22,287
"And it could have been done with two."
845
00:51:23,872 --> 00:51:25,165
I said, "No, what happened?"
846
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:27,000
She said, "Well, you got iced."
847
00:51:27,542 --> 00:51:31,213
"I don't know if it was that,
if it was the mix of the two alcohols."
848
00:51:31,296 --> 00:51:32,756
I said, "Get me out of Des Moines!"
849
00:51:35,675 --> 00:51:38,804
She goes to start the car,
and it will not start.
850
00:51:38,887 --> 00:51:42,432
I'm like, "Oh my gosh,
I am not getting stuck in Des Moines!"
851
00:51:42,516 --> 00:51:44,476
It's freezing cold, it's late at night,
852
00:51:44,559 --> 00:51:46,770
there's no Ubers, my plane's leaving soon,
853
00:51:46,853 --> 00:51:47,938
people are icing me.
854
00:51:49,439 --> 00:51:52,859
I'm just ready to leave, and I hear
the doors burst open to the club.
855
00:51:52,943 --> 00:51:54,152
I look over.
856
00:51:55,487 --> 00:51:56,571
Here comes Linda.
857
00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,620
She saddles up to the car.
858
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:06,123
"What's up, ladies?"
859
00:52:08,583 --> 00:52:09,918
I'm like, "Hey, Linda."
860
00:52:14,131 --> 00:52:17,008
I'm trying not to make
eye contact with her, 'cause
861
00:52:17,884 --> 00:52:21,012
I don't know what kind of powers
that dreamcatcher has.
862
00:52:22,889 --> 00:52:27,018
I said, "Hey, Linda, uh, our car
won't start, but we're good. We got it."
863
00:52:27,102 --> 00:52:28,854
"Thank you for coming. Good night."
864
00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:32,440
She took a look at me,
she goes…
865
00:52:33,567 --> 00:52:34,526
Gives me a wink.
866
00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:37,195
Walks to the back of the car,
867
00:52:37,988 --> 00:52:39,906
opens up that gas tank.
868
00:52:41,449 --> 00:52:44,494
Spit in the gas tank,
869
00:52:44,578 --> 00:52:47,289
and I got the heck out of Des Moines.
870
00:52:54,045 --> 00:52:55,463
Oh, Linda.
871
00:52:59,217 --> 00:53:03,138
So I have now been married for two years.
872
00:53:05,515 --> 00:53:07,267
And it's great. I love it.
873
00:53:07,851 --> 00:53:11,897
And, uh, we get that next question that
you always get when you're newly married.
874
00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:14,774
Everybody wants to know
if we're having kids.
875
00:53:14,858 --> 00:53:17,944
And I'll tell you parents,
you are not making it look fun.
876
00:53:19,196 --> 00:53:21,364
You guys all have a glaze in your eyes.
877
00:53:22,532 --> 00:53:25,243
So we're dog moms right now.
That's what we're doing.
878
00:53:25,744 --> 00:53:27,871
And, uh, we'll see what happens.
879
00:53:28,747 --> 00:53:32,083
But we have this little Pomeranian
named Biggie.
880
00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:34,419
So cute.
881
00:53:34,502 --> 00:53:37,130
He's a little guy, eight pounds,
882
00:53:37,214 --> 00:53:39,007
and a very happy, healthy guy,
883
00:53:39,090 --> 00:53:41,843
but he came down
with something called HGE.
884
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:44,179
Now it's this thing that dogs can get
885
00:53:44,262 --> 00:53:46,306
where they go from being
totally healthy and fine
886
00:53:46,389 --> 00:53:48,225
to being super, super sick,
887
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:49,434
and it can be deadly.
888
00:53:49,517 --> 00:53:51,853
It comes on fast, like 48 hours,
889
00:53:51,937 --> 00:53:54,481
and vets don't know how dogs get this.
890
00:53:54,564 --> 00:53:59,778
They say it could be from something
they ate, it could be from stress.
891
00:53:59,861 --> 00:54:04,074
I was like, "The Humane Society
found Biggie eating out of a dumpster,
892
00:54:04,157 --> 00:54:06,952
and now he is walking around Beverly Hills
893
00:54:07,035 --> 00:54:09,162
in my wife's Gucci purse."
894
00:54:10,330 --> 00:54:13,375
"He ain't got no stress."
895
00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:18,713
His food is more expensive than mine.
896
00:54:18,797 --> 00:54:21,716
He ain't got no stress.
897
00:54:22,509 --> 00:54:26,638
So we have no idea where this came from
or how he got it,
898
00:54:26,721 --> 00:54:29,266
but the signs of it start to show up
899
00:54:29,349 --> 00:54:32,435
at the beginning of our flight
from LA to New York City,
900
00:54:32,519 --> 00:54:35,605
five and a half hours, and every hour,
he got significantly worse.
901
00:54:35,689 --> 00:54:36,815
We couldn't do anything.
902
00:54:36,898 --> 00:54:39,734
We landed, it took us an hour
to drive into New York City.
903
00:54:39,818 --> 00:54:41,653
We went straight to an animal hospital.
904
00:54:41,736 --> 00:54:43,655
Jax took him in the examination room,
905
00:54:43,738 --> 00:54:45,991
and I was filling out tons of paperwork.
906
00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:48,743
It's so different
than when I grew up with pets.
907
00:54:48,827 --> 00:54:53,123
I mean, back in the day, your dog slept
inside, outside, your neighbor's house.
908
00:54:53,206 --> 00:54:54,666
It'd roll up after two days,
909
00:54:54,749 --> 00:54:56,876
you'd be like,
"Sparky, where've you been?"
910
00:54:57,961 --> 00:55:01,047
Your dog ate whatever leftovers
your grandma threw over the fence
911
00:55:01,131 --> 00:55:02,424
from the Sizzler.
912
00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:08,763
And if suddenly your dog required
a large medical procedure,
913
00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:10,890
your parents were straight up just like,
914
00:55:10,974 --> 00:55:13,101
"It's been fun, Sparky."
915
00:55:14,185 --> 00:55:15,603
And that was it.
916
00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:17,814
But now I am the adult.
917
00:55:17,897 --> 00:55:20,483
I have to be the one
that makes these decisions.
918
00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:23,987
So I filled out everything,
and I hadn't seen Biggie in 45 minutes,
919
00:55:24,070 --> 00:55:26,281
so I don't know
how he's doing at this point,
920
00:55:26,364 --> 00:55:29,617
but I do know this.
921
00:55:30,285 --> 00:55:34,122
It is time for me to step it up
922
00:55:34,205 --> 00:55:37,751
and be that protector of my family.
923
00:55:38,543 --> 00:55:41,212
It is time for me to be
924
00:55:41,755 --> 00:55:43,006
butch.
925
00:55:45,008 --> 00:55:47,927
I have my Rocky moment,
I'm, like, hitting myself in the face.
926
00:55:48,845 --> 00:55:50,638
I would do a push-up, but I can't.
927
00:55:52,807 --> 00:55:56,061
I'm all bowed up,
ready to walk in that room, all tough.
928
00:55:56,144 --> 00:55:58,688
I walk in that door,
and Biggie's laid on the floor.
929
00:55:58,772 --> 00:56:01,149
There's blood everywhere, he is way worse,
930
00:56:01,232 --> 00:56:02,859
and I lose it. I just start going…
931
00:56:06,154 --> 00:56:07,489
"No!"
932
00:56:07,572 --> 00:56:10,950
And Jax goes, "Get out of here!
You're bumming us out."
933
00:56:13,244 --> 00:56:16,539
I got kicked out of the room!
934
00:56:17,707 --> 00:56:20,585
I was forced to stand
behind the glass door.
935
00:56:24,047 --> 00:56:25,882
I'm just staring at my family.
936
00:56:27,384 --> 00:56:30,970
And I'd finally calmed down
'cause the nurse gave me a lollipop.
937
00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:36,643
And I was so frustrated,
I was so disappointed in myself
938
00:56:36,726 --> 00:56:40,688
that I couldn't just pull it together
for three freaking minutes,
939
00:56:40,772 --> 00:56:41,856
but it's not who I am.
940
00:56:41,940 --> 00:56:47,404
I'm a Cancer, I'm sensitive,
and I cannot change that about myself.
941
00:56:47,987 --> 00:56:50,448
So I go wait in the lobby
till four in the morning.
942
00:56:50,532 --> 00:56:54,452
Jax joins me, they go take Biggie back
and hook him up to all these machines.
943
00:56:54,536 --> 00:56:57,414
Finally, the vet comes out
and he talks to us.
944
00:56:57,497 --> 00:57:00,417
He says, "Listen, it is bad."
945
00:57:00,500 --> 00:57:02,794
"He is at, like, 5%."
946
00:57:02,877 --> 00:57:05,797
"And we will do whatever we can
to try and save him,
947
00:57:05,880 --> 00:57:09,551
but for us to do that, he will have
to be here for three to four days,
948
00:57:09,634 --> 00:57:10,802
round-the-clock care."
949
00:57:10,885 --> 00:57:13,263
"He's gonna have
to have transfusions, plasma."
950
00:57:13,847 --> 00:57:16,850
"We can't even guarantee
that it will work."
951
00:57:16,933 --> 00:57:19,436
"But for us to try,
952
00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:22,564
it is going to cost a minimum
953
00:57:22,647 --> 00:57:26,484
of $10,000."
954
00:57:27,026 --> 00:57:30,113
"What do you two want to do?"
955
00:57:52,635 --> 00:57:56,181
Jax is like, "$10,000? I'm a teacher."
956
00:57:56,264 --> 00:57:58,224
"That's like a whole year's salary."
957
00:57:59,559 --> 00:58:01,227
I'm like, "$10,000?"
958
00:58:01,311 --> 00:58:05,190
"He's eight pounds.
How much plasma could he possibly need?"
959
00:58:05,690 --> 00:58:08,485
"He can't just share a crate
with a squirrel?"
960
00:58:10,904 --> 00:58:13,406
The vet's like, "I need an answer."
I'm like…
961
00:58:14,866 --> 00:58:18,161
Jax isn't saying anything, so it's clear
I've got to make this decision.
962
00:58:18,244 --> 00:58:19,245
I'm like…
963
00:58:19,746 --> 00:58:22,874
I'm like, "What would my parents do?
No, no, don't think that."
964
00:58:25,752 --> 00:58:28,421
Jax is starting to get more upset.
I'm like…
965
00:58:35,720 --> 00:58:37,555
So I pulled out my man wallet…
966
00:58:42,227 --> 00:58:44,187
…and I grabbed my credit card
967
00:58:46,105 --> 00:58:47,857
and slammed it on the table.
968
00:58:48,983 --> 00:58:50,151
I said, "Charge it."
969
00:58:51,319 --> 00:58:53,488
And then I looked Jax
970
00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:56,866
dead in the eye, and I said,
971
00:58:57,367 --> 00:59:00,370
"You think Darlene could have done that?"
972
00:59:02,622 --> 00:59:03,831
"No!"
973
00:59:06,417 --> 00:59:09,295
"Pam is broke."
974
00:59:10,797 --> 00:59:14,551
"Sheila has shitty-ass credit."
975
00:59:15,927 --> 00:59:17,387
Who's butch?
976
00:59:18,137 --> 00:59:19,806
I'm butch!
977
00:59:30,483 --> 00:59:36,114
And the best part is, you guys,
they did, in fact, save Biggie's life.
978
00:59:38,241 --> 00:59:39,409
Who's that?
979
00:59:45,373 --> 00:59:47,458
This is Biggie, everybody!
980
00:59:50,837 --> 00:59:55,633
Worth every single penny
right here, you guys.
981
00:59:57,010 --> 01:00:01,014
And give it up, everybody,
for my wife, Jax!
982
01:00:15,820 --> 01:00:17,447
That's it from me, everybody.
983
01:00:17,530 --> 01:00:19,949
Thank you so much.
984
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:23,286
Aw, thank you, guys.
985
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:27,290
Thank you, Chicago!
986
01:00:32,211 --> 01:00:33,379
Look at that.
987
01:00:36,090 --> 01:00:37,800
Goodnight, you guys. Thank you.