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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[Eve]
All right, guys, let's go.

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-[clapping]
-[boy] Mom, [indistinct].

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[overlapping chatter]

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[chatter continues]

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All right,
you want a few chips now?

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Go for it. Go for it.

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Chips for
breakfast, everybody.

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[boy]
It's not breakfast.

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[Eve] You're getting
turkey today, okay?

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-No, thank you.
-[Eve] And crusts.

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Crusts, okay?
I can't do it with--

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[chatter]

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Out, out.
Everybody out, out.

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I'm late. I'm late. I'm late.

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[children chatting]

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[footsteps]

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[up-tempo music]

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I'm gonna tell you
a story about blueberries.

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♪

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This was probably rock bottom.

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I had the breast pump
in the diaper bag

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in the passenger
seat of my car.

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I had gifts
for the newborn baby

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to return in
the back seat in my car.

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I was racing to get Zach

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at his toddler
transition program.

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And I had
a client contract in my lap.

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The pen that was
holding in between my legs

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for the contract
would stab me in the vagina.

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Seth decided to send me a text.

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And that text said,
"I'm surprised

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you didn't get
blueberries."

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So, I pulled over.

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I remember thinking to myself,

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"My marriage is ending
over off season blueberries?"

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My marriage should
be ending over my affair

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with-- with an NFL player.

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Like, that's how
my marriage should be ending.

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Or some dramatic affair
in the Caribbean, right,

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where I have, like,
my hair blowing back

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and I'm really tan.

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I was sobbing,
sobbing on a side street.

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[dramatic music]

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That was
the day that I woke up.

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Thinking like,
"How did I get here?"

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[energetic music]

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All right. So, if-- if I were
to put a percentage

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on how much I do
the household tasks,

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I would put it between,
like, 30% and 40%.

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-Yeah.
-Is that right?

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I was gonna say, like...

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Yeah, yeah, that's go--

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-[laughing]
-It's worse than that?

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I do 70% of the childcare.

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I do 70% of the childcare.

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Hey, he thinks he does 70%.

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I think I do 70%.

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I definitely do a lot more
in the summer and the winter.

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Uh, Maggie does all my laundry

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in the spring
and the fall, generally.

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-[laughing]
-And--

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-You don't do the laundry--
-I do.

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-- in the summer
and the winter.

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No, I do some, I help.

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But, like, when I'm--
when I'm--

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When I'm working, like--

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-I'm a seasonal laundry girl.
-Yeah!

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The laundry, I did the cooking,
I did the cleaning.

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I took Halima
to ice skating,

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piano, ballet,
gymnastics, swimming.

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Allergist appointments,
dentist appointments.

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Um, and she gets allergies

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from your side
of the family, so...

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-So, the p-- there's--
-No, no, no, no, no.

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I haven't finished.

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No, this is
a risky newlywed game.

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Forty percent.

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I was actually gonna say
I do 70% of the domestic work.

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Fifty, maybe-- maybe
60% of household, um, but--

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You don't do dishes, though.

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-And you don't do the laundry.
-Give or take, 40/60.

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[laughing]

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Amir,
eating the food doesn't count.

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But I'm not saying that.

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I would say my first duty

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is staying out of my wife's way

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and letting her
do all of those things

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that she does, the way
she does them, you know?

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I could probably do more,
there-- there's no question.

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Um, Sometimes, you know,

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it's not quite as efficiently
done if I do it, anyway.

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So, Emily
ends up having to redo it

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and that causes
even more tension.

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I would fill in the gaps,
you know, wherever she--

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There were never
any gaps to fill in.

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Wh-- whenever she said,

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-"Hey, I need--"
-I want attention.

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What?
[laughing]

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This is-- this is
just so interesting.

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We're talking about things
that we've never talked about.

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This interrogation's fun,
isn't it?

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-It's really interesting.
-Intervention, I should say.

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♪

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Now, you're gonna meet
the expert

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who's been
called the Marie Kondo

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of relationships in
her book, Fair Play.

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[presenter]
Eve Rodsky is the author

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of the best-selling
book, Fair Play.

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Which is all about
dividing household labor.

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[announcer] No reminders,
no nagging and no excuses.

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Well, with Fair Play,
her goal is

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to create
the 21st century solution

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to this ancient problem.

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[blender whirring]

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[boy] Yeah.

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It's so loud.

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Yes, finally.

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-Yay!
-[Seth] Okay, guys, let's go.

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Who wants it first?

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[boys] Me.

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Every morning,
it takes, like, ten hours

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for that thing to blend.

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Are you gonna drink some
smoothie? Or you want some--

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It's not like
I expected to grow up

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and be a gendered
division of labor specialist.

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It's definitely
not what I thought about

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when I went to
sleep holding a diary

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and my lovey when
I was seven years old.

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But I guess psychologists

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would call me
a "parental" child.

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My father left the family

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when my mother was
pregnant with my brother, Josh,

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and then we all
migrated to New York City

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and we lived in
a rent-stabilized apartment

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at Avenue C
and 14th Street in the '80s.

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It wasn't a physically
safe place to grow up.

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Everyone was afraid to
come to my birthday parties.

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I remember my mother
started to work nights

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because she really
wanted to get her Ph.D.

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She was doing it all.

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And so, she'd often
leave me and my brother,

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if she could,
with a babysitter.

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If not, I was putting
my brother to sleep on my own.

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Very early on,
I recognized that he had

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pretty severe
learning disabilities.

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It was just a lot
of picking up after my mother

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and especially for my brother.

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I remember
the first eviction notice

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that came under our door.

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I think it was second grade.

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I'd just learned to read
and it said something like,

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you know, "You have 30 days
before you'll be removed

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from your home."

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I didn't want
that notice again.

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And so,
when my mom admitted to me

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that the reason she had
gotten that eviction notice

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was because she was
often late paying our rent,

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and a lot of it was
because she didn't have

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the time to pay our rent,

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I thought, "Okay, well,
that's a great place for me."

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I would take the mail
and open her mail for her,

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look and make sure

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that there was
no late utility bills.

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And so a lot of that
cognitive labor of remembering,

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I think,
affecting my life later on.

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This-- this idea
that I could do it all.

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I did it all for my whole life.

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I don't need anybody.

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Never rely on anybody.

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I will never rely on a man.

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I'll never rely on friends.

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Always this attitude
that I can do it myself.

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[muttering]

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Okay.

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[birds chirping]

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[children chatting]

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[child] Mommy!

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We got pregnant six months
into our marriage with our--

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our oldest child.

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We said three years, so,
you know.

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Anybody who says three years,
you're kidding yourself,

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it's probably gon' be six
months, like...

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Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

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Going into
marriage, I'm like,

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"Okay, so my husband is
gonna be the provider

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and the protector
and-- and I'm going to be this,

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you know, '40s housewife
and mop the floor

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on my hands and knees

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and make
everything from scratch.

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And that's not
what real life looks like.

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[laughing]

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I actually graduated
with my MBA a week before

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our daughter was born.

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When I became a mom,

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I felt like
my identity completely changed

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00:08:01,730 --> 00:08:06,105
and it was, um,
honestly a little traumatic.

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I was really
confused and overwhelmed,

200
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and also in love.

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I feel like I went from
this super ambitious person

202
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to this person that
was all about her child.

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I was so focused on
providing and my career.

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I put all
of my energy and efforts

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00:08:31,222 --> 00:08:33,259
outside of the home
to bring in an income

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00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:34,963
to make sure that
we were taken care of.

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And my expectation was that

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00:08:36,198 --> 00:08:38,069
she would take
care of the rest.

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And I really
didn't understand, I guess,

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the amount of, like,
work that she had to endure.

211
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:46,954
I don't understand
what you just said.

212
00:08:46,987 --> 00:08:49,893
Calm down.
I'm going to show you, look it.

213
00:08:49,926 --> 00:08:51,229
Mommy!

214
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He was working
like 80 hours a week,

215
00:08:54,769 --> 00:08:57,909
and then
he would come home

216
00:08:57,942 --> 00:09:01,181
and I'm like,
"I need you to be on."

217
00:09:02,685 --> 00:09:06,693
And he's like,
"I've been working all day long

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00:09:06,726 --> 00:09:09,966
to provide for our family
and you're not being grateful."

219
00:09:11,402 --> 00:09:15,811
I was so tired.
I was so lonely.

220
00:09:16,212 --> 00:09:18,383
While he got to
go to work all day

221
00:09:18,416 --> 00:09:20,220
and talk to people
and then come home,

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00:09:20,253 --> 00:09:22,759
eat and watch TV
and then go to sleep.

223
00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:26,699
And it was really isolating
and really frustrating for me.

224
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He looked at the other people

225
00:09:29,906 --> 00:09:33,279
that were on his path
to success in this company

226
00:09:33,881 --> 00:09:36,385
and almost all
of them were divorced.

227
00:09:36,418 --> 00:09:38,323
[kids chattering]

228
00:09:38,356 --> 00:09:40,628
And one of his
friends came into town

229
00:09:40,661 --> 00:09:45,872
and, um, he was like a step
above Christian in the company.

230
00:09:45,905 --> 00:09:47,876
And he was telling him, like,

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00:09:47,909 --> 00:09:49,812
"Yeah, man,
I'm getting divorced."

232
00:09:51,148 --> 00:09:52,986
During the argument,
I said, "You know what?

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00:09:53,019 --> 00:09:54,823
I'm going to go
stay at my parents' house

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00:09:54,856 --> 00:09:55,924
for a little bit."

235
00:09:57,260 --> 00:10:00,000
And he was like,
"Absolutely not.

236
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:03,773
That is the first
step to us breaking up."

237
00:10:09,251 --> 00:10:10,988
-You hit record?
-[Seth] Yeah.

238
00:10:11,455 --> 00:10:12,725
Hi.

239
00:10:12,959 --> 00:10:14,028
[Seth]
Where are you going?

240
00:10:14,061 --> 00:10:15,363
I'm going to my shower.

241
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,369
Seth and I are
getting married.

242
00:10:18,402 --> 00:10:22,811
I wanted a big wedding.
I wanted a diamond ring.

243
00:10:24,448 --> 00:10:27,755
I wanted a equal
partner in the home.

244
00:10:27,788 --> 00:10:30,159
And I vowed I would have
an equal partner in the home.

245
00:10:30,493 --> 00:10:32,731
Seth did
the cutest thing for me.

246
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,234
Rose petals.

247
00:10:35,704 --> 00:10:36,973
We were really
growing our careers.

248
00:10:37,742 --> 00:10:39,044
We were each
other's best friends.

249
00:10:39,077 --> 00:10:41,048
And there was
no reason for me to think

250
00:10:41,081 --> 00:10:43,285
that that wasn't going to
be what I would always have.

251
00:10:44,354 --> 00:10:47,461
[Seth] This is Eve's
supposed due date.

252
00:10:47,494 --> 00:10:49,699
Go to the side.
Let me see the side.

253
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:51,837
Pick up your
shirt a little bit.

254
00:10:51,870 --> 00:10:55,376
I had a really
traumatic birth experience.

255
00:10:56,312 --> 00:10:57,181
Yup.

256
00:10:58,817 --> 00:11:01,055
I was having
a really hard time recovering.

257
00:11:01,088 --> 00:11:02,892
I was having
a hard time breastfeeding.

258
00:11:04,762 --> 00:11:07,802
And when Zach was born,

259
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,137
it was the most
isolated time my life.

260
00:11:10,808 --> 00:11:12,377
I don't think
I slept for another year.

261
00:11:14,114 --> 00:11:18,389
Seth went back to work
two days after Zach was born.

262
00:11:19,759 --> 00:11:20,995
No one ever used the word

263
00:11:21,028 --> 00:11:22,363
postpartum
depression or anxiety.

264
00:11:23,199 --> 00:11:26,105
I had no words to--
to talk to Seth

265
00:11:26,138 --> 00:11:28,877
about the isolation,
the sadness,

266
00:11:28,910 --> 00:11:30,881
um, the physical pain.

267
00:11:32,450 --> 00:11:33,921
Seth started
saying things, like,

268
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:35,389
"There's just not
much for me to do."

269
00:11:36,458 --> 00:11:40,299
That divide between
Seth and me just kept growing.

270
00:11:42,872 --> 00:11:44,408
[phone ringing]

271
00:11:44,441 --> 00:11:46,879
I remember feeling so
excited to get back to work.

272
00:11:47,515 --> 00:11:49,217
I was at J.P. Morgan
at the time.

273
00:11:49,919 --> 00:11:51,790
We had this
very open office plan

274
00:11:51,823 --> 00:11:54,327
and so I would ask,
"Where's the lactation room?"

275
00:11:55,430 --> 00:11:57,901
I ended up
pumping in a stairwell.

276
00:11:58,570 --> 00:11:59,873
It sounded like sex.

277
00:11:59,906 --> 00:12:02,177
[imitating breast pump noises]

278
00:12:02,210 --> 00:12:03,514
Everywhere I went,

279
00:12:03,547 --> 00:12:04,982
I was sound like
I was fucking somebody.

280
00:12:06,118 --> 00:12:08,089
I'm trying to figure out,
"where would I breastfeed?"

281
00:12:08,122 --> 00:12:10,293
Where would I take breaks?
What if I want to leave early?

282
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:13,801
So, I left
the corporate workforce

283
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,871
and decided to
start my own firm

284
00:12:16,338 --> 00:12:20,013
because somehow I had this idea
that working for myself

285
00:12:20,046 --> 00:12:22,383
would somehow give me
more time, more flexibility.

286
00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:27,929
When we met, she made
a ton more money than I did.

287
00:12:27,962 --> 00:12:32,104
Like, I was trying to figure
out, you know, my career.

288
00:12:32,137 --> 00:12:33,874
Um, and she was
a very accomplished,

289
00:12:33,907 --> 00:12:35,410
Harvard Law School
trained attorney.

290
00:12:35,443 --> 00:12:38,951
You know, as I sort
of went down my career path

291
00:12:38,984 --> 00:12:40,521
and started
having some success,

292
00:12:40,554 --> 00:12:44,562
I did have somewhat
archaic notions of, you know,

293
00:12:44,595 --> 00:12:46,298
"Hey, I'm the breadwinner

294
00:12:46,331 --> 00:12:49,839
and now I'm making
more money, and you know,

295
00:12:49,872 --> 00:12:51,776
you should be more
responsible for the home."

296
00:12:52,177 --> 00:12:53,379
I think that's
whether intentionally

297
00:12:53,412 --> 00:12:55,249
or not ingrained in your head.

298
00:12:56,018 --> 00:12:58,122
Let's just talk
about Zach's application.

299
00:12:58,155 --> 00:13:00,459
I can't get him
to write his last essay.

300
00:13:00,928 --> 00:13:03,567
Okay, so what do
you wanna do about that?

301
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,138
Yeah,
well, I feel like you--

302
00:13:06,171 --> 00:13:08,109
There are a few things
that were happening to me

303
00:13:08,142 --> 00:13:12,150
that started to wake
up my eyes to the fact

304
00:13:12,183 --> 00:13:14,287
that maybe something
was wrong in my relationship.

305
00:13:15,557 --> 00:13:18,563
One was a breast cancer march.

306
00:13:19,164 --> 00:13:22,003
I was with ten friends
who were a lot like me.

307
00:13:22,036 --> 00:13:25,143
Really powerful
women marching for equality

308
00:13:25,176 --> 00:13:26,445
around breast cancer.

309
00:13:26,478 --> 00:13:27,915
My friend had
died in law school,

310
00:13:27,948 --> 00:13:29,050
we were honoring
her in downtown LA.

311
00:13:30,086 --> 00:13:33,025
So we had this reservation
at 12:30 at Dim Sum.

312
00:13:33,527 --> 00:13:36,900
12 o'clock, turns around,
our phone started blowing up.

313
00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:38,136
[phones ringing and buzzing]

314
00:13:38,169 --> 00:13:39,639
First text comes in.

315
00:13:39,672 --> 00:13:41,475
"Where'd you put
Hudson's soccer bag?"

316
00:13:41,509 --> 00:13:43,045
Okay.

317
00:13:43,078 --> 00:13:45,016
Next text comes in,
another friend.

318
00:13:45,049 --> 00:13:47,889
Um, "Where's the gift?
You didn't leave me a gift,

319
00:13:47,922 --> 00:13:50,628
if you want me to take
Jack to the birthday party."

320
00:13:50,661 --> 00:13:52,464
My friend Kate's husband
was my favorite.

321
00:13:52,497 --> 00:13:54,201
It was a text that said,

322
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,971
"Do the kids
need to eat lunch?"

323
00:13:56,271 --> 00:13:59,311
What I noticed that day
was how the women reacted.

324
00:13:59,344 --> 00:14:01,382
The nine women
I was with said to me,

325
00:14:01,415 --> 00:14:04,254
"I left my partner with too
much to do. I have to leave."

326
00:14:04,488 --> 00:14:08,129
And so these beautiful,
powerful, strong women

327
00:14:08,162 --> 00:14:09,632
said goodbye to me.

328
00:14:10,534 --> 00:14:13,106
And that was the first day

329
00:14:13,139 --> 00:14:14,909
where I had an
act of resistance.

330
00:14:15,443 --> 00:14:17,648
And that act of
resistance was to count up

331
00:14:17,681 --> 00:14:19,284
every single
phone call and text

332
00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,620
we received during that time.

333
00:14:21,656 --> 00:14:26,065
30 phone calls,
46 texts for ten women

334
00:14:26,098 --> 00:14:27,400
over 30 minutes.

335
00:14:29,437 --> 00:14:32,277
I became obsessed
with a quest to figure out

336
00:14:32,310 --> 00:14:33,378
what was happening to us.

337
00:14:34,648 --> 00:14:37,487
So, I read every single article
that had ever been written,

338
00:14:37,521 --> 00:14:39,491
and book on what's called,

339
00:14:39,525 --> 00:14:41,228
the "Gendered Division
of Labor."

340
00:14:41,663 --> 00:14:43,900
Um, apparently,
it has a couple of names.

341
00:14:44,401 --> 00:14:45,971
It's called the "Second Shift."

342
00:14:46,438 --> 00:14:48,510
It's called "Emotional Labor."

343
00:14:49,477 --> 00:14:51,081
It's called the "Mental Load."

344
00:14:52,751 --> 00:14:55,390
[Pooja]
The Mental Load is essentially

345
00:14:55,423 --> 00:14:58,229
the cognitive and emotional,

346
00:14:58,262 --> 00:15:01,736
invisible labor that's
going on every single day

347
00:15:01,769 --> 00:15:03,306
when you're
managing your household

348
00:15:03,339 --> 00:15:04,676
and you're
taking care of a family.

349
00:15:04,709 --> 00:15:07,113
So, it's keeping
track of everything

350
00:15:07,146 --> 00:15:08,382
that needs to be done,

351
00:15:08,415 --> 00:15:10,453
everything
that's already been done.

352
00:15:10,486 --> 00:15:14,194
Anyone can go to
the store to get a pint of milk

353
00:15:14,227 --> 00:15:16,232
or change the baby's diaper.

354
00:15:16,265 --> 00:15:19,104
It's also about knowing
that you're out of milk

355
00:15:19,137 --> 00:15:21,576
and that you need
a certain amount every morning

356
00:15:21,609 --> 00:15:23,614
and knowing that it's
time for the baby to be changed

357
00:15:23,647 --> 00:15:25,149
or the baby to be fed.

358
00:15:25,182 --> 00:15:27,487
So, it's really
that executive labor

359
00:15:27,521 --> 00:15:29,224
that keeps
the household running.

360
00:15:29,692 --> 00:15:32,999
That's where women
often report the most inequity.

361
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:36,005
That even when their
partner is stepping up

362
00:15:36,038 --> 00:15:38,276
and doing a lot
of the everyday tasks,

363
00:15:38,309 --> 00:15:39,646
it's still on them

364
00:15:39,679 --> 00:15:42,518
to anticipate
and assign those tasks.

365
00:15:42,551 --> 00:15:44,054
And that's
something that, you know,

366
00:15:44,087 --> 00:15:45,758
when women are
also trying to perform

367
00:15:45,791 --> 00:15:48,997
in the workplace and juggle
these multiple roles,

368
00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:52,237
it's that mental load
that really starts to chip away

369
00:15:52,270 --> 00:15:53,740
at their ability to accomplish

370
00:15:53,773 --> 00:15:56,144
as much as they
could in another domains.

371
00:15:56,546 --> 00:15:58,149
But my favorite term was

372
00:15:58,182 --> 00:16:00,754
written by
a sociologist in 1986.

373
00:16:00,787 --> 00:16:03,259
And it was a term
called "Invisible Work."

374
00:16:03,292 --> 00:16:05,163
Arlene Kaplan Daniels,
a sociologist,

375
00:16:05,196 --> 00:16:07,500
argued that because women do it

376
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,271
and it's in
the domestic sphere,

377
00:16:09,304 --> 00:16:12,210
it benefits society
if we devalue it,

378
00:16:12,243 --> 00:16:13,580
if we consider it worthless,

379
00:16:13,613 --> 00:16:15,183
because then we
don't have to pay for it,

380
00:16:15,216 --> 00:16:17,555
or we can pay and undervalue

381
00:16:17,588 --> 00:16:19,191
women of color
to do that work.

382
00:16:19,224 --> 00:16:24,434
♪

383
00:16:33,419 --> 00:16:36,058
Caring and emotional labor,

384
00:16:36,091 --> 00:16:38,228
whether it's somebody
doing it for a family member

385
00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:40,567
or it's done as a profession,

386
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,507
it' just never
quite seen as real work.

387
00:16:43,540 --> 00:16:46,211
You get paid less if
you're taking care of babies

388
00:16:46,244 --> 00:16:49,117
or old people
than if you are involved

389
00:16:49,150 --> 00:16:50,721
in the work
of people in their prime.

390
00:16:50,754 --> 00:16:52,290
And that's just wrong.

391
00:16:52,323 --> 00:16:54,461
It benefits
society to be on the backs

392
00:16:54,494 --> 00:16:56,265
of the unpaid labor of women.

393
00:16:56,298 --> 00:16:58,102
And so that's
why it's invisible.

394
00:16:58,135 --> 00:17:02,209
♪

395
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,806
-[girls yelping]
-Grab my purse.

396
00:17:20,246 --> 00:17:22,183
All right.
Well, did we get everything?

397
00:17:22,216 --> 00:17:23,587
We didn't leave
anything in the car, right?

398
00:17:23,620 --> 00:17:25,222
-Yeah.
-Okay.

399
00:17:25,791 --> 00:17:28,228
We were married for
five years before we had kids.

400
00:17:28,897 --> 00:17:30,801
It was great.
We were almost five years

401
00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:33,640
of having fun,
being newly married.

402
00:17:33,673 --> 00:17:36,178
So it was-- it was, uh...

403
00:17:36,211 --> 00:17:38,348
relaxing,
I would say, relative to now.

404
00:17:38,917 --> 00:17:41,087
[Emily] Ainsley,
you got your pencil case back

405
00:17:41,589 --> 00:17:42,724
-Uh-huh
-Good.

406
00:17:44,227 --> 00:17:45,831
I'm like a mobile desk here.

407
00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:50,507
Now, let's think about your
laptop. Let's go get that.

408
00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:53,546
Okay.
I have to work on my laptop.

409
00:17:54,214 --> 00:17:55,884
-Do you want--
-I want fluffy.

410
00:17:55,917 --> 00:17:58,155
Did you look
for her upstairs?

411
00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:05,904
So, I saw your notes.

412
00:18:05,937 --> 00:18:08,309
How are you on time?
Are you good to, like, 3:30?

413
00:18:08,342 --> 00:18:11,181
I've had a social
media marketing business

414
00:18:11,214 --> 00:18:12,818
for ten years now.

415
00:18:12,851 --> 00:18:14,655
Freelancing
isn't a new concept,

416
00:18:14,688 --> 00:18:17,193
but it's the whole like
investing in yourself, right?

417
00:18:17,694 --> 00:18:19,665
I did work in
corporate America.

418
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:21,870
That was my first taste

419
00:18:21,903 --> 00:18:25,744
of seeing
how women would become mothers.

420
00:18:25,777 --> 00:18:29,752
That really lit a fire
for me to figure something out

421
00:18:29,785 --> 00:18:33,459
before I became a mother
and be able to make choices

422
00:18:33,492 --> 00:18:34,929
of "What does it matter

423
00:18:34,962 --> 00:18:36,733
what time I go to
the doctor's office?"

424
00:18:36,766 --> 00:18:38,469
Or "What does it matter
if I want to do

425
00:18:38,503 --> 00:18:39,806
a field trip
with my kids one day?"

426
00:18:39,839 --> 00:18:42,276
I need to make
work fit around my life.

427
00:18:44,380 --> 00:18:45,617
[Niall] I work for an
automotive group

428
00:18:45,650 --> 00:18:46,719
here in Detroit

429
00:18:47,755 --> 00:18:50,326
and my role is to handle
the relationships we have

430
00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:52,665
with about a dozen
of our manufacturers.

431
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,401
You know,
we're a traditional company

432
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:58,442
with both long hours
and very traditional values.

433
00:19:00,246 --> 00:19:02,317
Not bad.
Could use some [indistinct]

434
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:05,456
The idea of flex time
or family focused stuff

435
00:19:05,489 --> 00:19:07,828
or long paternity leave,
maternity leave,

436
00:19:07,861 --> 00:19:08,796
whatever that may be,

437
00:19:09,598 --> 00:19:11,635
that would not be
part of our normal culture.

438
00:19:12,704 --> 00:19:16,345
We had our oldest kid
at midnight on a Friday

439
00:19:16,378 --> 00:19:17,514
and I was in Monday morning.

440
00:19:18,415 --> 00:19:20,253
We used to joke
that either I was dead

441
00:19:20,286 --> 00:19:21,789
or I was on a plane,
if I wasn't responding.

442
00:19:22,791 --> 00:19:24,929
Uh, family, I'm going
to cook some dinner,

443
00:19:24,962 --> 00:19:26,533
you can get food ready.

444
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:27,835
[Niall] I thought that's
what you were doing.

445
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:29,438
I'm going to get
that going right now.

446
00:19:29,471 --> 00:19:31,275
So, when you guys can,
come on in the front

447
00:19:31,308 --> 00:19:32,845
and we'll take off
all of our wet clothes.

448
00:19:32,878 --> 00:19:34,448
-[girl] Let's make a snowman.
-[Niall] Yeah.

449
00:19:34,481 --> 00:19:35,717
I am shutting this,
so I can't hear you.

450
00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:36,919
-[Niall] Yeah.
-[girl] Hey.

451
00:19:37,921 --> 00:19:39,190
[Niall]
What's the ETA?

452
00:19:41,963 --> 00:19:43,231
What time?

453
00:19:46,037 --> 00:19:47,608
-That's the time it is now?
-[Emily] Yeah.

454
00:19:47,641 --> 00:19:49,545
Yeah, I've two phone
calls from work already.

455
00:19:51,047 --> 00:19:52,818
[Emily]
It's absurd to act like

456
00:19:52,851 --> 00:19:55,623
you don't have
people that rely on you

457
00:19:56,057 --> 00:19:58,597
and it's absurd to be judged

458
00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:02,838
for having responsibilities
outside of your office.

459
00:20:02,871 --> 00:20:04,474
I literally just gotten home

460
00:20:04,508 --> 00:20:05,810
and promised Emily
I'd watch the kids.

461
00:20:06,311 --> 00:20:07,379
Ten minutes, so.

462
00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:12,323
If I don't have
to ask anyone for permission

463
00:20:12,356 --> 00:20:15,798
to take my child to the doctor,
then that's the easier route.

464
00:20:15,831 --> 00:20:19,972
If Niall has
to ask, then it's--

465
00:20:20,005 --> 00:20:21,976
it's-- it's a debit, right?

466
00:20:22,009 --> 00:20:24,582
Like he has taken a favor.

467
00:20:24,615 --> 00:20:26,284
-Hey, Niall.
-Yeah?

468
00:20:26,752 --> 00:20:32,731
Uh, after dinner, do you
want to do math worksheets?

469
00:20:32,764 --> 00:20:36,271
I could use someone to help me,
please, set the table.

470
00:20:36,304 --> 00:20:39,979
The fact that
I haven't brought more things

471
00:20:40,012 --> 00:20:43,920
to Niall's attention
that I do, that falls on me.

472
00:20:43,953 --> 00:20:45,591
Sit on your bottom.

473
00:20:45,624 --> 00:20:47,494
Claire?
What are you going to say?

474
00:20:47,528 --> 00:20:48,596
Say our prayer.

475
00:20:49,865 --> 00:20:53,038
But yeah, it goes back
to the twisted notion of,

476
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,343
"Well, you just got
to ask for their help."

477
00:20:55,376 --> 00:20:56,512
I don't want to ask.

478
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:58,717
This is not the first time

479
00:20:58,750 --> 00:21:00,019
our children
have needed a meal.

480
00:21:00,052 --> 00:21:01,789
This is not the first time

481
00:21:01,822 --> 00:21:03,627
that our children have to
go to bed at a certain time.

482
00:21:03,660 --> 00:21:06,365
And so, the fact
that I have to bring it

483
00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:08,068
to your attention
like it's the first time

484
00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:10,841
you've ever heard it
and that I'm getting a favor

485
00:21:10,874 --> 00:21:14,715
out of asking for this
help is exhausting to me.

486
00:21:14,748 --> 00:21:17,353
So then, I just go back
to just keep doing the work

487
00:21:17,386 --> 00:21:19,491
because it's quicker
than asking for the help,

488
00:21:19,525 --> 00:21:21,529
it's quicker than "training,"

489
00:21:21,562 --> 00:21:24,300
but yet it
doesn't solve the problem.

490
00:21:25,570 --> 00:21:27,040
I still have some
work stuff to wrap up

491
00:21:27,073 --> 00:21:28,341
after they go to bed.

492
00:21:32,584 --> 00:21:34,120
[Amy]
At least once a day,

493
00:21:34,153 --> 00:21:35,723
I feel like
the worst mom in the world.

494
00:21:36,057 --> 00:21:38,996
And I cry in my car.
[crying]

495
00:21:39,732 --> 00:21:44,675
Asking for help in America
really is seen as a weakness.

496
00:21:44,708 --> 00:21:47,380
There is a sense
of shame that comes up

497
00:21:47,413 --> 00:21:49,552
that you're going to
be burdening other people

498
00:21:49,585 --> 00:21:52,090
and it's not
their responsibility

499
00:21:52,123 --> 00:21:54,595
to be taking care of you.

500
00:21:55,664 --> 00:21:59,004
It's rooted in long
standing bias and stereotype.

501
00:21:59,037 --> 00:22:01,408
It's rooted in public policy.

502
00:22:01,441 --> 00:22:04,715
And this sense
of rugged individualism.

503
00:22:04,748 --> 00:22:06,653
Individual
and personal responsibility

504
00:22:06,686 --> 00:22:09,658
are part and parcel
of American society.

505
00:22:11,094 --> 00:22:13,165
But, it can also
be really detrimental

506
00:22:13,198 --> 00:22:14,902
when we think
about what the flipside

507
00:22:14,935 --> 00:22:16,972
of this looks like in
the context of families.

508
00:22:17,641 --> 00:22:22,383
It takes so little to
be considered a great dad,

509
00:22:22,416 --> 00:22:27,126
and it also takes so little
to be considered a shitty mom.

510
00:22:27,159 --> 00:22:29,532
Oh my God,
I can't believe he comes

511
00:22:29,565 --> 00:22:30,834
to all your
doctor's appointments.

512
00:22:30,867 --> 00:22:32,904
He is so supportive.

513
00:22:33,573 --> 00:22:35,476
He's the hero for
playing Candy Crush

514
00:22:35,510 --> 00:22:37,112
while I get my blood drawn.

515
00:22:37,748 --> 00:22:41,488
For mothers, it really
comes from these unrealistic,

516
00:22:41,522 --> 00:22:43,793
contradictory expectations.

517
00:22:43,826 --> 00:22:46,599
You've been gone
for 300 hours.

518
00:22:48,703 --> 00:22:50,841
I know,
I work a full-time job now,

519
00:22:50,874 --> 00:22:52,409
you all know that.

520
00:22:54,113 --> 00:22:58,455
And I see this phenomenon
where mom is doing everything

521
00:22:58,488 --> 00:22:59,625
and helping everybody else.

522
00:22:59,658 --> 00:23:01,895
But she's suffering so much.

523
00:23:02,129 --> 00:23:04,467
-[screaming]
-[baby crying]

524
00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:07,106
-Hey, Mom, can we talk now?
-No!

525
00:23:08,108 --> 00:23:10,179
It starts really young.

526
00:23:10,212 --> 00:23:12,551
[Nicole] Teenage girls
spend more time than

527
00:23:12,584 --> 00:23:15,923
their counterparts on
care-taking responsibilities.

528
00:23:16,491 --> 00:23:17,895
And it doesn't get better.

529
00:23:17,928 --> 00:23:21,669
It gets worse as they,
uh, enter the workforce,

530
00:23:21,702 --> 00:23:23,205
have families of their own.

531
00:23:23,238 --> 00:23:27,748
When I was starting my career,
there were three stories

532
00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:30,520
that we told
ourselves effectively

533
00:23:30,553 --> 00:23:31,889
about how to have it all.

534
00:23:31,922 --> 00:23:34,528
How to have career
and family together.

535
00:23:35,062 --> 00:23:37,166
And one was, you just
have to work hard enough.

536
00:23:37,199 --> 00:23:38,636
You just put in the hours,

537
00:23:38,669 --> 00:23:40,941
you buy ten more
books on time management

538
00:23:40,974 --> 00:23:45,684
and squeeze every
second out of the day.

539
00:23:45,717 --> 00:23:48,723
The second was, you know,
if you married the right person

540
00:23:48,756 --> 00:23:51,128
and they would share the work

541
00:23:51,161 --> 00:23:53,031
of having both
career and family.

542
00:23:53,699 --> 00:23:55,937
And the third was you--
you-- you can have it all,

543
00:23:55,970 --> 00:23:58,074
but just not
all at the same time.

544
00:23:59,578 --> 00:24:02,551
The problem
with all these stories

545
00:24:02,584 --> 00:24:06,726
we tell ourselves is that
they blame individual women.

546
00:24:06,759 --> 00:24:09,497
They say it's up to
individual women to make it,

547
00:24:09,531 --> 00:24:12,738
rather than
recognizing the systemic

548
00:24:12,771 --> 00:24:16,512
and structural
bias against women

549
00:24:16,545 --> 00:24:19,851
who are trying to make it
on the same terms as men.

550
00:24:20,954 --> 00:24:24,160
[pan sizzling]

551
00:24:24,193 --> 00:24:25,863
I remember thinking to myself,

552
00:24:26,297 --> 00:24:28,937
"Oh my God,
I'm the default."

553
00:24:28,970 --> 00:24:30,907
Or now I call it the "Shefault"

554
00:24:30,940 --> 00:24:32,744
for literally
every single household

555
00:24:33,044 --> 00:24:34,881
and domestic
task for my family.

556
00:24:36,117 --> 00:24:37,621
I became obsessed
with invisible work

557
00:24:37,654 --> 00:24:40,594
and visible work,
because there's a modicum

558
00:24:40,627 --> 00:24:41,862
of a solution in there.

559
00:24:42,597 --> 00:24:44,500
How can you value
what you don't see?

560
00:24:45,035 --> 00:24:48,676
And so, I had this
brilliant idea in my mind

561
00:24:48,876 --> 00:24:50,913
to make the invisible visible.

562
00:24:52,183 --> 00:24:53,820
I called up all those women

563
00:24:53,853 --> 00:24:56,291
from the breast cancer
march and I said to them,

564
00:24:56,324 --> 00:24:59,899
"I'm counting up every
single thing that women do

565
00:24:59,932 --> 00:25:02,604
that takes more than
two minutes of our time.

566
00:25:02,637 --> 00:25:04,642
So could you
please text me anything

567
00:25:04,675 --> 00:25:05,744
that you can think of?"

568
00:25:05,777 --> 00:25:07,079
[phone beeping and buzzing]

569
00:25:08,315 --> 00:25:10,286
Making school lunches:
ten minutes.

570
00:25:10,319 --> 00:25:13,092
Attending doctor's
appointments, one hour.

571
00:25:13,125 --> 00:25:15,730
Picking up the kids from
the school if they're sick.

572
00:25:15,763 --> 00:25:17,266
But then things
I didn't even think about

573
00:25:17,299 --> 00:25:19,170
started coming in from
people I didn't even know.

574
00:25:19,203 --> 00:25:21,141
So, the spreadsheet
started growing.

575
00:25:21,174 --> 00:25:22,778
It was an Excel spreadsheet,

576
00:25:22,811 --> 00:25:25,082
which I named
"The Shit I Do Spreadsheet."

577
00:25:25,950 --> 00:25:27,353
Then another
woman I didn't know said,

578
00:25:27,386 --> 00:25:29,090
"I received your spreadsheet,

579
00:25:29,123 --> 00:25:31,127
you know, I see you wrote
two minutes for sunscreen,

580
00:25:31,829 --> 00:25:34,100
um, but what about
the 30 minutes for the chase?"

581
00:25:34,133 --> 00:25:38,876
[indistinct murmuring]
health insurance, homework...

582
00:25:39,978 --> 00:25:42,751
And the list kept on growing
and growing and growing.

583
00:25:42,784 --> 00:25:44,922
So finally, I had 98 tabs,

584
00:25:44,955 --> 00:25:47,895
and about 2,000
items of invisible work

585
00:25:47,928 --> 00:25:51,234
on this giant
19-million-megabyte spreadsheet

586
00:25:51,267 --> 00:25:53,372
that I decided to send
to Seth with zero context.

587
00:25:53,405 --> 00:25:56,211
Just a subject line,
an email that says,

588
00:25:56,244 --> 00:25:57,647
"Can't wait to discuss!"

589
00:25:58,883 --> 00:26:00,052
I don't know the difference

590
00:26:00,085 --> 00:26:01,354
between
megabytes and gigabytes,

591
00:26:01,387 --> 00:26:02,791
but it's like
crashed my computer

592
00:26:02,824 --> 00:26:04,160
when she sent me the attachment

593
00:26:04,728 --> 00:26:06,865
and I sort of
said, "Holy shit."

594
00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:08,903
I didn't get the reaction

595
00:26:08,936 --> 00:26:10,105
that I thought
I-- I was going to get.

596
00:26:10,707 --> 00:26:12,611
I got that--
The monkey, you know,

597
00:26:12,644 --> 00:26:14,347
the one that's covering
its eyes like I didn't--

598
00:26:14,380 --> 00:26:16,084
He didn't even
give me the courtesy

599
00:26:16,117 --> 00:26:17,887
of the three monkey trio.

600
00:26:19,156 --> 00:26:20,660
I got it, right?
See no evil.

601
00:26:20,693 --> 00:26:22,096
I-- I don't
give a shit about this.

602
00:26:22,129 --> 00:26:23,164
I don't want to see this.

603
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,370
I started to think
about the Pandora's Box.

604
00:26:27,306 --> 00:26:28,910
What if you
unleash consciousness,

605
00:26:28,943 --> 00:26:30,011
but there's no solution?

606
00:26:32,149 --> 00:26:35,690
I said to him, "I'm going to
make a Shit I Do list.

607
00:26:35,723 --> 00:26:38,028
And you know what?
It's going to be so long.

608
00:26:38,061 --> 00:26:41,201
My running checklist
through my brain,

609
00:26:41,234 --> 00:26:43,071
it's just-- It's always going.

610
00:26:43,104 --> 00:26:45,710
I'm the one who is
like vacuuming regularly,

611
00:26:45,743 --> 00:26:48,248
dusting things off,
cleaning up the bathroom.

612
00:26:48,281 --> 00:26:50,186
I gotta do this,
I have to be here.

613
00:26:50,219 --> 00:26:52,023
I have a grocery pickup, then
I've got to be at the school.

614
00:26:52,056 --> 00:26:54,728
You know that--
that never goes away.

615
00:26:54,761 --> 00:26:57,233
I'm trying to pick my words
very carefully right now.

616
00:26:57,266 --> 00:26:59,103
-Um...
-You won't hurt my feelings.

617
00:27:00,807 --> 00:27:02,911
There's a lot
of pressure on women

618
00:27:02,944 --> 00:27:05,349
to be doing it all

619
00:27:05,382 --> 00:27:07,286
professionally
in their careers,

620
00:27:07,319 --> 00:27:09,792
at home,
within their marriages,

621
00:27:09,825 --> 00:27:13,131
within their communities
at large, like volunteering.

622
00:27:13,164 --> 00:27:16,304
The emotional
part of it so intense

623
00:27:16,337 --> 00:27:18,810
that from
the moment that I wake up,

624
00:27:18,843 --> 00:27:20,246
for example,
I wake up at 5:00,

625
00:27:20,279 --> 00:27:22,383
she wakes up with me
and throughout the day

626
00:27:22,416 --> 00:27:23,920
I'm talking to her,

627
00:27:23,953 --> 00:27:25,924
I'm sending her
pictures and videos.

628
00:27:25,957 --> 00:27:27,393
[indistinct]
throughout the day,

629
00:27:27,426 --> 00:27:29,030
even though I'm super busy.

630
00:27:29,063 --> 00:27:30,767
A lot of times, I don't
automatically

631
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,738
recognize things
that need to be done.

632
00:27:32,771 --> 00:27:36,846
And so, we went for a long time
where I didn't recognize them

633
00:27:36,879 --> 00:27:39,450
and Charisma would just do them
and then she'd be upset with me

634
00:27:39,483 --> 00:27:41,923
for not doing them when
I didn't even recognize that

635
00:27:41,956 --> 00:27:43,993
-it was supposed to be done.
-Mm-hm.

636
00:27:44,026 --> 00:27:46,131
♪

637
00:27:46,164 --> 00:27:47,834
[Katie]
When we ask men and women

638
00:27:47,867 --> 00:27:49,304
about how they divide the work

639
00:27:49,337 --> 00:27:52,176
of taking care of children
and running a household,

640
00:27:52,209 --> 00:27:53,780
Men over-report.

641
00:27:53,813 --> 00:27:56,484
They're actually
doing about 35% of the work.

642
00:27:56,518 --> 00:27:58,355
They think they're doing half.

643
00:27:58,388 --> 00:28:01,261
Women undersell
what they're doing.

644
00:28:01,294 --> 00:28:04,133
In fact, they're doing
about two-thirds of the work.

645
00:28:05,402 --> 00:28:07,507
The dominant
household configuration

646
00:28:07,540 --> 00:28:09,511
in the United States right now

647
00:28:09,544 --> 00:28:13,118
is the dual-earner
couple with kids.

648
00:28:13,151 --> 00:28:17,059
You essentially
have two full-time jobs

649
00:28:17,092 --> 00:28:19,130
and then another
full-time job, right?

650
00:28:19,163 --> 00:28:21,368
Running a household
and raising kids

651
00:28:21,401 --> 00:28:22,971
is a full-time job.

652
00:28:23,773 --> 00:28:25,209
We found that in couples

653
00:28:25,242 --> 00:28:27,714
where wives were
doing more housework,

654
00:28:28,348 --> 00:28:30,787
their cortisol
levels weren't showing

655
00:28:30,820 --> 00:28:32,356
a stress system recovery

656
00:28:32,389 --> 00:28:35,128
at the end of the day
that we would expect to see.

657
00:28:36,364 --> 00:28:38,836
[Ai-jen] It definitely
feels like at times

658
00:28:38,869 --> 00:28:43,011
the walls are closing in on you
because there's so many demands

659
00:28:43,044 --> 00:28:45,049
and so many needs financially,

660
00:28:45,082 --> 00:28:46,952
emotionally and otherwise.

661
00:28:46,985 --> 00:28:48,923
Often when
we think about stress,

662
00:28:48,956 --> 00:28:51,294
we think about
big life events, right?

663
00:28:51,327 --> 00:28:53,164
Like an earthquake
or losing your home.

664
00:28:54,100 --> 00:28:55,804
But there's increasing evidence

665
00:28:55,837 --> 00:28:58,509
that it's really
sort of small, everyday,

666
00:28:58,542 --> 00:29:02,216
chronic stressors that
can create wear and tear,

667
00:29:02,249 --> 00:29:03,986
that chip away at our health.

668
00:29:04,186 --> 00:29:06,959
Our immune pathways,
our sleep health,

669
00:29:06,992 --> 00:29:10,265
risk of heart attacks,
stroke, cholesterol.

670
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,438
So stress can
really accumulate over time

671
00:29:13,471 --> 00:29:15,509
to damage our well-being.

672
00:29:16,444 --> 00:29:19,852
Married men
live longer than single men.

673
00:29:19,885 --> 00:29:21,454
That's a really
well-established finding.

674
00:29:21,487 --> 00:29:25,029
But there's evidence
that unhappily married women

675
00:29:25,062 --> 00:29:28,368
actually live less
long than single women.

676
00:29:28,401 --> 00:29:32,075
♪

677
00:29:37,119 --> 00:29:39,223
Women's work, family conflict,

678
00:29:39,256 --> 00:29:42,864
stress and exhaustion
and burnout are not new,

679
00:29:42,897 --> 00:29:46,470
and it also is not something
they can fix all by themselves.

680
00:29:50,212 --> 00:29:51,916
Guys, it's time to eat.

681
00:29:51,949 --> 00:29:53,452
[children] Okay.

682
00:29:53,485 --> 00:29:55,055
Thank you.

683
00:29:55,088 --> 00:29:56,491
Wash your hands.

684
00:29:56,525 --> 00:29:59,063
[indistinct]
Wash hands quickly. Thank you.

685
00:29:59,898 --> 00:30:03,137
[speaking Spanish]

686
00:31:32,517 --> 00:31:34,721
[indistinct], what do you need?

687
00:31:34,754 --> 00:31:37,527
[speaking Spanish]

688
00:32:49,069 --> 00:32:51,440
-I miss you much, baby.
-[indistinct]

689
00:33:04,300 --> 00:33:06,605
[Katie]
What else do we need? Forks?

690
00:33:07,205 --> 00:33:08,743
Paul, did you
put the salt and pepper on?

691
00:33:08,776 --> 00:33:10,345
Oh, yeah.
I was supposed to do that.

692
00:33:11,213 --> 00:33:13,485
Um, Betsy, do you want to
bring me the dinner bell?

693
00:33:13,519 --> 00:33:14,821
-Yeah.
-[bell ringing]

694
00:33:14,854 --> 00:33:16,057
[indistinct]
all the way downstairs.

695
00:33:16,090 --> 00:33:17,661
That's not how you do it.

696
00:33:17,694 --> 00:33:21,100
Have I ever felt at the end of
my rope as a working mom?

697
00:33:21,133 --> 00:33:23,706
Hell, yes.
And if you interview someone

698
00:33:23,739 --> 00:33:26,110
who doesn't say
that they have felt

699
00:33:26,143 --> 00:33:28,081
at the end of the rope
as a working mom,

700
00:33:28,114 --> 00:33:29,751
they should come
get one of my children

701
00:33:29,784 --> 00:33:31,387
because they'll
drive them straight to it.

702
00:33:31,420 --> 00:33:33,124
What do you mean,

703
00:33:33,157 --> 00:33:34,561
you don't like the regular
rice? It's just rice.

704
00:33:34,594 --> 00:33:36,497
It's not.
It's like weird and stringy.

705
00:33:37,834 --> 00:33:40,439
I'm a single mom,
and I know firsthand

706
00:33:40,472 --> 00:33:43,478
that we have a child care
crisis in this country.

707
00:33:43,512 --> 00:33:49,190
In only one state is child
care considered affordable.

708
00:33:49,223 --> 00:33:51,127
Let that sink in.

709
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:52,697
So I remember, you know,

710
00:33:52,730 --> 00:33:55,670
saying things to leadership
in Washington, you know.

711
00:33:55,703 --> 00:33:58,475
"What time are we
going to be done this week?

712
00:33:58,509 --> 00:34:02,416
"Am I going to be flying home
on a Thursday or on a Friday?"

713
00:34:02,449 --> 00:34:04,755
And one of the things I keep
hearing when I would raise

714
00:34:04,788 --> 00:34:07,493
these concerns is,
"Well, you know, your situation

715
00:34:07,527 --> 00:34:10,465
is just so unique.
We can't all work around you."

716
00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:14,340
But to be honest,
my situation isn't that unique.

717
00:34:14,373 --> 00:34:16,210
There are millions and millions

718
00:34:16,243 --> 00:34:18,815
and millions of single
parents in this country.

719
00:34:19,416 --> 00:34:21,421
They are more
pressed to try to figure out

720
00:34:21,454 --> 00:34:22,791
how to make
childcare arrangements.

721
00:34:22,824 --> 00:34:24,528
They have less flexibility.

722
00:34:24,561 --> 00:34:26,698
They don't
necessarily have a backup.

723
00:34:27,533 --> 00:34:30,540
And so in that sense,
my situation isn't unique.

724
00:34:30,573 --> 00:34:32,276
It's actually
a lot of the people

725
00:34:32,309 --> 00:34:35,683
in Congress who are older,
whiter and wealthier.

726
00:34:35,716 --> 00:34:38,488
They're actually the unique
ones when you look at the--

727
00:34:38,522 --> 00:34:40,727
the overall population
of the United States.

728
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,264
[jazz music]

729
00:34:43,297 --> 00:34:45,670
[crowd cheering]

730
00:34:45,703 --> 00:34:47,674
Last I checked,
it was mainly men

731
00:34:47,707 --> 00:34:49,276
who are running workplaces.

732
00:34:49,309 --> 00:34:50,847
They might have assumptions

733
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:53,385
that don't even
include the realities

734
00:34:53,418 --> 00:34:54,754
of looking after kids.

735
00:34:55,388 --> 00:34:57,527
Maybe they never
had to be the ones

736
00:34:57,560 --> 00:34:59,864
rushing from work to
pick up the kid at school.

737
00:35:00,398 --> 00:35:05,208
[jazz music]

738
00:35:28,454 --> 00:35:31,528
The proverbial straw
finally hit the camel's back

739
00:35:31,561 --> 00:35:33,264
after Ben was born

740
00:35:33,766 --> 00:35:36,538
and I was going
to Seattle for just one day.

741
00:35:36,571 --> 00:35:38,408
God forbid I would
spend the night away

742
00:35:38,441 --> 00:35:39,510
from my newborn baby.

743
00:35:40,445 --> 00:35:42,483
I have my extra clothes

744
00:35:42,517 --> 00:35:44,253
because I'm going
to leak through my shirt.

745
00:35:44,286 --> 00:35:46,424
Legal documents for
the client that I work with.

746
00:35:46,457 --> 00:35:47,827
Breast pump again.

747
00:35:47,860 --> 00:35:50,800
And as I'm right
about to go to Departures,

748
00:35:50,833 --> 00:35:54,373
I get another text from Seth,
and that text said,

749
00:35:54,741 --> 00:35:59,282
"Some guy left his beer bottle
and jacket on our lawn."

750
00:35:59,984 --> 00:36:01,387
Okay.

751
00:36:01,621 --> 00:36:03,291
So the fuck am
I supposed to do about that?

752
00:36:03,324 --> 00:36:06,397
I ignored the text
and I got on the plane.

753
00:36:06,430 --> 00:36:08,301
Arrive in
my client's boardroom,

754
00:36:08,334 --> 00:36:10,472
facilitate this
really amazing meeting.

755
00:36:10,506 --> 00:36:13,177
I ended up pumping
in a dark stairwell,

756
00:36:13,411 --> 00:36:15,816
ran back to
the airplane, pumped again.

757
00:36:16,317 --> 00:36:17,921
Eleven o'clock
at night, I pull up

758
00:36:17,954 --> 00:36:20,526
feeling really excited
and empowered by my day.

759
00:36:20,559 --> 00:36:22,930
And then out
of the corner of my eye,

760
00:36:23,464 --> 00:36:27,807
I see a shattered beer
bottle and a wet jacket.

761
00:36:28,675 --> 00:36:30,412
It was still there.

762
00:36:30,445 --> 00:36:32,483
And so I decided to give
Seth the benefit of the doubt

763
00:36:32,517 --> 00:36:36,256
because I figured,
you know, "What if he's dead?"

764
00:36:37,727 --> 00:36:39,831
And it turns out
he wasn't dead.

765
00:36:40,398 --> 00:36:42,335
But he was
outstretched on the bed.

766
00:36:42,737 --> 00:36:44,574
And he actually nicely,

767
00:36:44,607 --> 00:36:46,410
and really
enthusiastically told me

768
00:36:46,443 --> 00:36:49,684
that he had three hours
after our kids went to bed

769
00:36:49,884 --> 00:36:53,726
to watch SportsCenter,
to finish a PowerPoint deck

770
00:36:53,759 --> 00:36:56,532
and to work out, right?
So, plenty of time.

771
00:36:56,565 --> 00:36:58,268
Um...

772
00:36:58,301 --> 00:37:00,873
So, yeah.
So...

773
00:37:01,541 --> 00:37:05,015
Yes, the truth is
I walked by it multiple times

774
00:37:05,048 --> 00:37:07,553
without picking it up
because I was that guy.

775
00:37:07,987 --> 00:37:12,328
And I was expecting somebody
besides myself to pick it up.

776
00:37:14,466 --> 00:37:16,672
The sociologist
I remember from college,

777
00:37:16,705 --> 00:37:18,676
C. Wright Mills
said something like

778
00:37:18,709 --> 00:37:20,344
"Private lives
are public issues."

779
00:37:20,813 --> 00:37:22,483
And so when I start
to see patterns,

780
00:37:22,517 --> 00:37:24,621
I realized this
is why the home is dangerous,

781
00:37:24,654 --> 00:37:26,691
because it presents so small.

782
00:37:27,359 --> 00:37:31,702
My quest was to start stopping
men and women in airports,

783
00:37:31,735 --> 00:37:33,471
anybody I could
get my hands on,

784
00:37:33,505 --> 00:37:35,342
to just collect
data to ask them,

785
00:37:35,375 --> 00:37:36,845
"How do you do division
of labor in your home?"

786
00:37:38,815 --> 00:37:40,987
You're not
fighting over blueberries.

787
00:37:41,020 --> 00:37:43,458
You're fighting
over bigger systemic issues

788
00:37:43,491 --> 00:37:44,894
around inequities in the home.

789
00:37:46,831 --> 00:37:49,670
And it was
this idea that as a society,

790
00:37:50,004 --> 00:37:54,312
we view and value
men's time as finite,

791
00:37:54,814 --> 00:37:56,450
like diamonds.

792
00:37:56,483 --> 00:38:00,425
And we view and value women's
time as infinite,

793
00:38:00,458 --> 00:38:01,794
like sand.

794
00:38:02,897 --> 00:38:04,534
And there were three reasons

795
00:38:04,567 --> 00:38:07,305
which I now
call Toxic Time Messages.

796
00:38:08,407 --> 00:38:10,746
Reason number one was
my job is more flexible

797
00:38:10,779 --> 00:38:12,616
and my husband
makes more money than me.

798
00:38:13,451 --> 00:38:15,455
But still,
because I make less money,

799
00:38:15,488 --> 00:38:17,359
I have to do all
the housework and childcare

800
00:38:17,392 --> 00:38:18,762
in addition to my job.

801
00:38:18,795 --> 00:38:21,066
But the other two
were even more insidious.

802
00:38:21,968 --> 00:38:24,540
Argument two
was I'm a better multi-tasker.

803
00:38:24,874 --> 00:38:26,879
Women are not
better multi-taskers.

804
00:38:26,912 --> 00:38:28,882
There's no gender
difference in the brain.

805
00:38:29,884 --> 00:38:31,788
When I was
interviewing neuroscientists,

806
00:38:31,821 --> 00:38:33,959
this guy
in a lab coat says to me,

807
00:38:34,694 --> 00:38:37,600
"Imagine, Eve,
that we, men,

808
00:38:37,967 --> 00:38:40,506
could convince you,
women,

809
00:38:40,539 --> 00:38:42,710
that you're better at wiping
asses and doing dishes.

810
00:38:43,077 --> 00:38:46,049
How great for my tenure?
How great for my golf game?"

811
00:38:46,651 --> 00:38:49,389
I ended up crying
in his office that day.

812
00:38:50,458 --> 00:38:52,162
And then finally,
the third saying,

813
00:38:52,195 --> 00:38:54,734
"Well, in the time it takes me
to tell him, her, they,

814
00:38:54,767 --> 00:38:57,038
what to do,
I should just do it myself."

815
00:38:57,607 --> 00:39:00,045
Of course you invest
now in teaching someone

816
00:39:00,078 --> 00:39:01,814
how to wipe
asses and do dishes.

817
00:39:02,449 --> 00:39:04,053
You'll devalue
all those future hours

818
00:39:04,086 --> 00:39:05,890
of wiping
asses and doing dishes

819
00:39:05,923 --> 00:39:07,793
by thinking about
how you save time now.

820
00:39:08,829 --> 00:39:10,967
This is it.
This was my ah-ha moment.

821
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,805
I can finally look at
Seth and sit him down and say,

822
00:39:14,006 --> 00:39:16,644
"I don't think you value
my time the same as yours."

823
00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:21,120
And we give you so much
time choice over how you get

824
00:39:21,153 --> 00:39:23,659
to use your day, however
you want to use your day.

825
00:39:23,692 --> 00:39:26,698
And we treat my time like
it's never going to run out.

826
00:39:27,032 --> 00:39:28,569
But what if I'm here
to tell you, Seth,

827
00:39:28,602 --> 00:39:30,438
that I only
get 24 hours in a day?

828
00:39:30,906 --> 00:39:32,510
And it was the first time

829
00:39:32,543 --> 00:39:35,582
in our life where I felt
like he could hear me

830
00:39:35,883 --> 00:39:39,758
because he saw the pain,
like the deep pain that I had.

831
00:39:39,791 --> 00:39:41,795
Because I felt
like every hour

832
00:39:41,828 --> 00:39:45,401
was already pre-decided
for me by society.

833
00:39:45,669 --> 00:39:47,807
God forbid you're
not working, it better be

834
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:51,714
in service of your housework
or childcare.

835
00:39:52,082 --> 00:39:53,785
We have gymnastics run.

836
00:39:54,854 --> 00:39:56,724
I have to
put that in the calendar.

837
00:39:58,695 --> 00:40:03,404
[narrator] All America
salutes its women of steel.

838
00:40:04,473 --> 00:40:06,177
Isn't this pretty hot for you,
Miss [indistinct]?

839
00:40:06,210 --> 00:40:07,680
Well, I hear
it gets kind of hot

840
00:40:07,713 --> 00:40:08,949
around the kitchen stove, too.

841
00:40:10,152 --> 00:40:13,124
As everyone probably knows
the Rosie the Riveter imagery,

842
00:40:13,157 --> 00:40:15,061
women were called
into the workforce

843
00:40:15,094 --> 00:40:17,131
in unprecedented
numbers in World War II

844
00:40:17,533 --> 00:40:19,670
to take the place
of men going off to war.

845
00:40:21,875 --> 00:40:23,478
There is this dilemma.

846
00:40:23,512 --> 00:40:25,147
Who's taking
care of the children?

847
00:40:26,150 --> 00:40:29,055
[narrator] Shipyard working
Momma, put that baby down.

848
00:40:29,624 --> 00:40:33,497
The big solution was
to provide child care at work.

849
00:40:33,698 --> 00:40:36,805
And so in 1942,
all of these child care

850
00:40:36,838 --> 00:40:39,075
centers started
popping up across the country.

851
00:40:39,577 --> 00:40:42,149
It was government subsidized,
and U.S. was spending

852
00:40:42,182 --> 00:40:45,823
at the height of the war
about a billion dollars a day

853
00:40:45,856 --> 00:40:48,227
on child care
out of necessity.

854
00:40:49,029 --> 00:40:52,603
But when those men came back,
women are summarily dismissed.

855
00:40:53,605 --> 00:40:56,878
♪ I wish my living
room were all redone ♪

856
00:40:58,682 --> 00:41:01,187
We see in the '50s
this kind of drop

857
00:41:01,220 --> 00:41:03,023
in women's labor
force participation.

858
00:41:03,658 --> 00:41:05,730
And we have
this period of the classic

859
00:41:05,763 --> 00:41:07,299
Leave it to Beaver family.

860
00:41:07,332 --> 00:41:09,504
The stay-at-home mom,
the husband who goes off

861
00:41:09,537 --> 00:41:10,872
to work, the two kids.

862
00:41:11,708 --> 00:41:14,714
But starting
in the '60s, we start seeing

863
00:41:14,747 --> 00:41:17,787
more and more women going to
work and we start seeing women

864
00:41:17,820 --> 00:41:20,659
trying to combine
motherhood and work

865
00:41:20,926 --> 00:41:22,697
in ways that
we hadn't in the past.

866
00:41:22,730 --> 00:41:26,504
[upbeat funky music]

867
00:41:28,775 --> 00:41:32,082
There is this idea
that women were largely

868
00:41:32,115 --> 00:41:35,890
working to have, like,
something fun in their pocket,

869
00:41:35,923 --> 00:41:38,629
and maybe so they have
a tiny bit of independence.

870
00:41:38,662 --> 00:41:41,167
The truth of the matter is,
for many women in this country,

871
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:42,836
that was never the case.

872
00:41:43,204 --> 00:41:47,245
Women always were working
to support their families.

873
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,652
The majority of working
women fit that category.

874
00:41:51,721 --> 00:41:55,027
What happened was,
"okay, you can work,

875
00:41:55,228 --> 00:41:56,965
but you're still going to have

876
00:41:56,998 --> 00:41:59,235
to meet all of your
care-taking demands at home."

877
00:41:59,704 --> 00:42:02,342
It was a set up for women.

878
00:42:02,375 --> 00:42:05,850
[crowd chanting]

879
00:42:05,883 --> 00:42:09,691
Women started to advocate
and really push for

880
00:42:09,724 --> 00:42:11,326
government-funded
childcare.

881
00:42:11,995 --> 00:42:15,201
We were hoping
for a childcare revolution,

882
00:42:15,234 --> 00:42:18,040
but in 1971,
Nixon vetoed that.

883
00:42:18,073 --> 00:42:22,149
Saying that providing such
care would be a fiscal waste

884
00:42:22,182 --> 00:42:24,720
and also would
weaken the family.

885
00:42:24,954 --> 00:42:27,627
From that point on,
pretty much women entering

886
00:42:27,660 --> 00:42:30,633
the workforce had to really
figure out care on their own.

887
00:42:30,666 --> 00:42:32,937
♪ I can bring home
the bacon (Enjoli) ♪

888
00:42:32,970 --> 00:42:35,008
♪ Fry it up
in a pan (Enjoli) ♪

889
00:42:35,041 --> 00:42:37,212
♪ And never, never,
never let you forget ♪

890
00:42:37,245 --> 00:42:38,748
♪ You're a man ♪

891
00:42:40,351 --> 00:42:43,659
[woman] Despite the barriers,
women are entering

892
00:42:43,692 --> 00:42:45,328
more of these
male dominated fields,

893
00:42:45,361 --> 00:42:47,165
like law
and medicine and business

894
00:42:47,198 --> 00:42:49,804
that had effectively
been firmly closed to women.

895
00:42:50,839 --> 00:42:53,110
But if they're
going to be successful

896
00:42:53,143 --> 00:42:54,948
or ambitious,
they have to behave

897
00:42:54,981 --> 00:42:57,285
and act like
men in the workplace.

898
00:42:58,087 --> 00:43:00,091
Women would
go to job interviews

899
00:43:00,124 --> 00:43:01,059
and take off
their wedding ring.

900
00:43:01,995 --> 00:43:05,168
But fatherhood
was a benefit for your career.

901
00:43:05,201 --> 00:43:07,138
Oh, you have a family
to take care of now?

902
00:43:07,171 --> 00:43:08,808
You're going to get that raise.

903
00:43:09,175 --> 00:43:11,681
You give that promotion
to Bob Enright instead of me?

904
00:43:11,714 --> 00:43:13,919
I've got five
years seniority over him.

905
00:43:13,952 --> 00:43:16,323
I know that. He does
have a family to support.

906
00:43:16,356 --> 00:43:17,759
[Violet] And I don't?

907
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:20,231
Then toward
the end of the 20th century,

908
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:22,202
women's labor
force participation

909
00:43:22,235 --> 00:43:23,403
appeared to be plateauing.

910
00:43:24,272 --> 00:43:25,375
Why is this going on?

911
00:43:25,408 --> 00:43:27,179
We saw that the rise

912
00:43:27,212 --> 00:43:30,753
in the skill premium
or the returns health education

913
00:43:30,786 --> 00:43:34,994
was significantly
faster for male workers

914
00:43:35,027 --> 00:43:36,731
than for female workers.

915
00:43:37,065 --> 00:43:39,102
And there's a real
speed-up to what we call

916
00:43:39,135 --> 00:43:40,773
Overwork Environment.

917
00:43:40,806 --> 00:43:42,776
50, 60, 70 hours a week.

918
00:43:43,143 --> 00:43:45,248
Thanks to
the wonders of technology,

919
00:43:45,281 --> 00:43:47,820
you really don't
have those boundaries

920
00:43:47,853 --> 00:43:49,355
around your
traditional work time.

921
00:43:49,924 --> 00:43:52,095
At the same time
that we see the shrinkage

922
00:43:52,128 --> 00:43:54,466
of traditional extended family

923
00:43:54,499 --> 00:43:57,172
and community
networks that provide support.

924
00:43:57,205 --> 00:44:00,110
Some women opt out.
Very few do.

925
00:44:00,712 --> 00:44:02,683
Most are pushed out.

926
00:44:02,716 --> 00:44:09,062
Pushed out by husbands who feel
entitled to be ideal workers

927
00:44:09,095 --> 00:44:12,034
and think their wives
should pick up the pieces.

928
00:44:12,736 --> 00:44:15,475
Or they're pushed out
by employers

929
00:44:15,509 --> 00:44:19,751
who assume that the women are
less competent and committed,

930
00:44:19,784 --> 00:44:21,921
so stop giving them good work.

931
00:44:22,121 --> 00:44:25,060
And so the women leave
for lack of opportunity.

932
00:44:25,461 --> 00:44:29,938
They step back or they
try to juggle a lower-paid job

933
00:44:29,971 --> 00:44:32,910
so they can make it work,
and it doesn't work.

934
00:44:32,943 --> 00:44:35,047
And it has
consequences for everybody.

935
00:44:35,414 --> 00:44:39,022
At this moment in
the US, the average woman

936
00:44:39,055 --> 00:44:41,327
is more educated
than the average man.

937
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:44,499
But still, the average earnings
of women are much lower

938
00:44:44,533 --> 00:44:46,236
than the average
earnings of men.

939
00:44:47,338 --> 00:44:50,746
We're making it way,
way too hard for women

940
00:44:50,779 --> 00:44:52,415
to work and have kids.

941
00:44:52,448 --> 00:44:55,054
[upbeat music]

942
00:44:56,289 --> 00:44:57,993
Ow...

943
00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:03,036
I did everything I could.

944
00:45:03,337 --> 00:45:06,009
I spent nine months on this--
this "Shit I do" spreadsheet.

945
00:45:06,376 --> 00:45:08,848
But I've learned that
lists alone don't work.

946
00:45:10,418 --> 00:45:13,056
So my choices were divorce.

947
00:45:13,490 --> 00:45:16,130
Eat, pray, love my life
and just blow everything up.

948
00:45:16,163 --> 00:45:18,434
Start over.
But I have children.

949
00:45:18,467 --> 00:45:21,941
And I saw how that worked out
for my mother; not so well.

950
00:45:22,910 --> 00:45:24,145
And I really loved Seth.

951
00:45:24,379 --> 00:45:26,383
I didn't want
to break up my family.

952
00:45:27,251 --> 00:45:28,955
My choice
number two was to just

953
00:45:28,988 --> 00:45:30,959
resign myself to doing it all.

954
00:45:31,928 --> 00:45:35,068
Or the third option
was to get my ass in gear

955
00:45:35,101 --> 00:45:36,504
and become my own client.

956
00:45:37,171 --> 00:45:41,814
What makes a good,
healthy organization?

957
00:45:42,215 --> 00:45:44,218
I'm a philanthropic advisor.

958
00:45:44,820 --> 00:45:46,390
What it means
is that I work for families

959
00:45:46,423 --> 00:45:48,795
that look like
the HBO show Succession.

960
00:45:48,828 --> 00:45:52,135
Ladies and gentlemen,
the first fucking thing

961
00:45:52,168 --> 00:45:54,472
my son's ever
done right in his life.

962
00:45:56,309 --> 00:45:57,580
Now, we're really going through

963
00:45:57,613 --> 00:45:59,116
some of the harder
things around--

964
00:45:59,149 --> 00:46:00,953
But what I do
for those families

965
00:46:00,986 --> 00:46:04,893
is I help them create
systems around shared values

966
00:46:05,161 --> 00:46:08,200
to make their most
complex organizational

967
00:46:08,233 --> 00:46:09,770
and financial decisions.

968
00:46:10,872 --> 00:46:12,576
And so I thought,
what if I decide

969
00:46:12,609 --> 00:46:14,078
to create a system for me?

970
00:46:15,414 --> 00:46:17,385
Now, early on
in my mediation practice,

971
00:46:17,418 --> 00:46:19,423
what I would do
is tell these families,

972
00:46:19,456 --> 00:46:21,126
"You're already communicating."

973
00:46:22,095 --> 00:46:25,068
I'd start with a family,
we'd be in our first meeting.

974
00:46:25,101 --> 00:46:27,072
The second
son would start to speak

975
00:46:27,105 --> 00:46:29,242
and Dad would
walk out of the room.

976
00:46:29,476 --> 00:46:30,545
Just walk out.

977
00:46:31,514 --> 00:46:33,184
So a lot of passive
aggressive communication

978
00:46:33,217 --> 00:46:36,156
happens in my practice,
but also in the home.

979
00:46:37,225 --> 00:46:39,597
I sat down with a very
high-powered woman who said

980
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:42,001
that she doesn't communicate
about domestic life.

981
00:46:42,034 --> 00:46:43,971
And then 20 minutes
later, she says,

982
00:46:44,239 --> 00:46:47,144
"Well, every time
my husband forgets to put

983
00:46:47,378 --> 00:46:48,982
the laundry in the dryer,

984
00:46:49,015 --> 00:46:50,952
I dump the wet
clothes on his pillow."

985
00:46:52,556 --> 00:46:54,359
The biggest
vulnerability I found

986
00:46:54,392 --> 00:46:57,331
for families was
giving feedback in the moment.

987
00:46:58,434 --> 00:47:01,608
Whether it's passive aggressive
feedback or me saying to Seth,

988
00:47:01,641 --> 00:47:04,045
"Why don't
you log Zach onto his Zoom?

989
00:47:04,078 --> 00:47:05,448
Why is the sponge in the sink?

990
00:47:05,481 --> 00:47:07,118
You left
the car keys in the car again."

991
00:47:07,151 --> 00:47:09,489
It just-- it's this
feedback in the moment

992
00:47:09,523 --> 00:47:11,961
and you feel like you
have to get it off your chest.

993
00:47:11,994 --> 00:47:13,999
What? No, really,
what's the issue?

994
00:47:14,032 --> 00:47:15,636
Why would you
let him eat sugar?

995
00:47:15,669 --> 00:47:18,074
Because people who don't
get sugar when they're a kid,

996
00:47:18,107 --> 00:47:20,311
they end up eating
gluttonous amount of sugar

997
00:47:20,344 --> 00:47:22,314
when they're adults,
like all of your friends.

998
00:47:23,250 --> 00:47:26,456
But when I realized
that I could say to myself

999
00:47:27,091 --> 00:47:28,595
the same way
I said to my clients

1000
00:47:28,628 --> 00:47:30,532
that feedback
in the moment is toxic.

1001
00:47:31,166 --> 00:47:33,136
Feedback in the moment
is toxic.

1002
00:47:34,172 --> 00:47:36,176
That practice of communicating

1003
00:47:36,209 --> 00:47:38,915
when emotion is low
and cognition is high

1004
00:47:38,948 --> 00:47:41,587
was literally
life changing for Seth and me.

1005
00:47:43,157 --> 00:47:46,363
We started with just this
idea of what would it look like

1006
00:47:46,396 --> 00:47:49,368
if we spent ten minutes
a day walking around the block,

1007
00:47:49,603 --> 00:47:51,106
get that ten
minutes a day in, like,

1008
00:47:51,139 --> 00:47:53,277
we would exercise
where we're connecting?

1009
00:47:53,310 --> 00:47:54,378
That was crazy.

1010
00:47:54,947 --> 00:47:56,216
So what are
we doing this weekend?

1011
00:47:57,251 --> 00:47:58,955
Should we do it by child?

1012
00:47:58,988 --> 00:48:00,925
-Yeah.
-So Zach has...

1013
00:48:02,128 --> 00:48:06,336
Peeling the curtain back,
I really had no idea.

1014
00:48:06,369 --> 00:48:11,313
Like, the amount
of thinking and plotting

1015
00:48:11,346 --> 00:48:15,054
and planning
and having all of that stress

1016
00:48:15,087 --> 00:48:18,160
and all of that
burden on one person.

1017
00:48:18,193 --> 00:48:20,464
And I kind of said to myself,
you know, probably have to

1018
00:48:20,497 --> 00:48:22,268
do something about this
because this definitely

1019
00:48:22,301 --> 00:48:26,076
doesn't feel
fair nor equal nor equitable.

1020
00:48:26,109 --> 00:48:27,713
As long as you
have them from 11 to 3,

1021
00:48:27,746 --> 00:48:29,316
I really don't care
where they are.

1022
00:48:29,349 --> 00:48:30,685
All right,
I'll take them, not a problem.

1023
00:48:31,086 --> 00:48:32,956
Our daily
check-ins consist of a walk.

1024
00:48:33,190 --> 00:48:36,396
We check in about what's
important with the family,

1025
00:48:36,429 --> 00:48:38,735
kind of coordinating, you know,
who's going to be where

1026
00:48:38,768 --> 00:48:41,006
at what time,
who has what.

1027
00:48:41,039 --> 00:48:42,977
And just kind
of resetting and downloading,

1028
00:48:43,010 --> 00:48:46,283
kind of entering the next day
with some sort of coherence.

1029
00:48:46,316 --> 00:48:48,988
All right.
Well, it's busy, busy day.

1030
00:48:49,590 --> 00:48:51,092
-[Eve] Yeah.
-Excited, though.

1031
00:48:51,794 --> 00:48:53,497
Really motivated
to make our

1032
00:48:53,531 --> 00:48:55,569
relation--
relationship much better.

1033
00:48:55,602 --> 00:48:58,642
I may be, like, the task
master and it's, like...

1034
00:48:58,675 --> 00:49:00,979
[Eve] What's been really
important to me in my research

1035
00:49:01,012 --> 00:49:04,386
is to be rigorous
about capturing people

1036
00:49:04,419 --> 00:49:06,389
along different
parts of their journey.

1037
00:49:07,258 --> 00:49:09,162
I'd say I spend
half my time on basic

1038
00:49:09,195 --> 00:49:11,133
research
and talking to researchers

1039
00:49:11,166 --> 00:49:13,604
and then half
my time reading books.

1040
00:49:15,140 --> 00:49:16,611
"The Way We Never Were."

1041
00:49:16,644 --> 00:49:18,414
There is this myth
of the nuclear family.

1042
00:49:18,447 --> 00:49:21,286
"Burnout, burnout, burnout."
"Why We Can't Sleep."

1043
00:49:22,088 --> 00:49:23,725
And then one of the most
important things is that

1044
00:49:23,758 --> 00:49:26,362
we learn from people
who are in same-sex marriages.

1045
00:49:26,764 --> 00:49:29,537
Instead of putting
them into our gendered boxes.

1046
00:49:29,570 --> 00:49:31,206
What can we
learn from you guys?

1047
00:49:34,178 --> 00:49:36,416
The aspect
of being liberated

1048
00:49:36,449 --> 00:49:40,626
from predefined,
heavy burden roles,

1049
00:49:40,659 --> 00:49:43,698
it frees up space
for you to share in duties

1050
00:49:44,098 --> 00:49:47,105
that otherwise you somehow--
you don't want your boys,

1051
00:49:47,138 --> 00:49:49,376
your friends
to see you do X, Y and Z

1052
00:49:49,409 --> 00:49:51,380
because sometimes
is it too feminine?

1053
00:49:51,413 --> 00:49:53,685
Well, with a household
of two guys,

1054
00:49:53,718 --> 00:49:55,154
ain't no, there's no choice.

1055
00:49:55,187 --> 00:49:56,824
Every job is for everyone.

1056
00:49:56,857 --> 00:50:00,231
Like, we can all-- we
can divvy up the house chores

1057
00:50:00,264 --> 00:50:01,734
and we can both have jobs.

1058
00:50:01,767 --> 00:50:04,807
It just comes down to
talking about the things.

1059
00:50:04,840 --> 00:50:06,678
It is not easy.

1060
00:50:06,711 --> 00:50:08,447
It is sometimes terrifying
to do that with your partner.

1061
00:50:08,480 --> 00:50:10,084
There are times
when we are good at it

1062
00:50:10,117 --> 00:50:11,353
and there are
times that we're not.

1063
00:50:11,386 --> 00:50:13,223
What we try
to do is try to work

1064
00:50:13,256 --> 00:50:14,527
at it when it's not working

1065
00:50:14,560 --> 00:50:16,163
and try to figure
out how to make it work.

1066
00:50:16,196 --> 00:50:17,633
The commitment
to having the conversation

1067
00:50:17,666 --> 00:50:19,502
is sort of like the--
the great starting point.

1068
00:50:19,536 --> 00:50:21,306
Nothing-- nothing is assumed.

1069
00:50:21,339 --> 00:50:23,845
Just take all those assumptions
and set them at the door

1070
00:50:23,878 --> 00:50:25,582
because they're--
they're just going to make

1071
00:50:25,615 --> 00:50:27,352
the conversation harder.

1072
00:50:27,385 --> 00:50:30,424
Our relationship started
out in a very interesting way

1073
00:50:30,457 --> 00:50:32,261
because soon after we met,

1074
00:50:32,294 --> 00:50:34,099
there were
a few people involved

1075
00:50:34,132 --> 00:50:36,770
in his professional
life who told him basically,

1076
00:50:37,204 --> 00:50:39,777
you know, you can't
really be an out gay man.

1077
00:50:39,810 --> 00:50:42,081
And because of that,
I think we had to have

1078
00:50:42,114 --> 00:50:43,818
a lot of the hard
conversations first.

1079
00:50:43,851 --> 00:50:45,321
Our son is adopted.

1080
00:50:45,354 --> 00:50:48,093
So beginning
the adoption process,

1081
00:50:49,262 --> 00:50:51,099
we did a lot of planning

1082
00:50:51,132 --> 00:50:53,170
and thinking because we had to.

1083
00:50:53,203 --> 00:50:55,241
We had answered all
of the tough questions.

1084
00:50:55,274 --> 00:50:59,482
We had talked about everything
from division of labor

1085
00:50:59,516 --> 00:51:04,560
to finances ten years out
and our plan,

1086
00:51:04,593 --> 00:51:07,464
and it really helped us
be partners, um...

1087
00:51:08,534 --> 00:51:10,104
in those first few days

1088
00:51:10,137 --> 00:51:12,509
that are really
scary raising a newborn.

1089
00:51:13,143 --> 00:51:15,448
Ultimately,
you are becoming a better

1090
00:51:15,481 --> 00:51:17,251
version of yourself
and that's going to make

1091
00:51:17,284 --> 00:51:19,322
you a better partner
and a better, you know,

1092
00:51:19,355 --> 00:51:20,659
in a better
relationship in the end.

1093
00:51:20,692 --> 00:51:22,730
-Right?
-Yes. Yep.

1094
00:51:22,763 --> 00:51:24,833
[laughs]

1095
00:51:28,340 --> 00:51:30,210
I am not
a licensed therapist,

1096
00:51:30,645 --> 00:51:35,421
even though I did interview
many of them for Fair Play.

1097
00:51:35,454 --> 00:51:37,859
What I am is a mediator.

1098
00:51:39,395 --> 00:51:42,869
What you're doing
is you're giving people tools.

1099
00:51:43,270 --> 00:51:45,408
Tools to have
difficult conversations.

1100
00:51:45,441 --> 00:51:47,546
If I don't take it up,
no one will.

1101
00:51:47,579 --> 00:51:49,148
So you're being
a good helper to me.

1102
00:51:49,683 --> 00:51:51,688
Emily,
so good to see you.

1103
00:51:51,721 --> 00:51:54,527
-You too, Eve.
-So picture a time

1104
00:51:54,560 --> 00:51:58,701
when maybe emotion was high
and cognition was low.

1105
00:51:59,268 --> 00:52:01,473
Yeah, I can tell you,
it always happens at night

1106
00:52:01,507 --> 00:52:03,745
after I've come downstairs
from putting the kids to bed.

1107
00:52:03,778 --> 00:52:05,949
It's the first
free window without kids

1108
00:52:05,982 --> 00:52:10,457
and it's the last hour
of the day before we go to bed.

1109
00:52:10,692 --> 00:52:14,265
So it definitely always
happens at the same time.

1110
00:52:14,700 --> 00:52:16,671
-How interesting.
-It's a pressure cooker.

1111
00:52:16,704 --> 00:52:18,173
It builds up, it builds up,

1112
00:52:18,206 --> 00:52:19,610
then it happens,
and then we repeat.

1113
00:52:19,643 --> 00:52:21,413
It's doing the same
thing over and over again

1114
00:52:21,446 --> 00:52:22,549
and expecting
different results.

1115
00:52:22,582 --> 00:52:24,185
Like, I'm going insane.

1116
00:52:24,218 --> 00:52:25,421
[Emily] Are you gonna
hang out down here,

1117
00:52:25,454 --> 00:52:26,791
Niall,
and get some work done?

1118
00:52:26,824 --> 00:52:28,762
No, I was gonna read the story.
--Ow!

1119
00:52:28,795 --> 00:52:30,532
-Okay.
-[Niall] Hello?

1120
00:52:30,565 --> 00:52:33,838
Hey, Niall. My-- my assumption,
please correct me

1121
00:52:33,871 --> 00:52:35,976
any time that's
not true is that

1122
00:52:36,009 --> 00:52:38,681
you don't necessarily
think about your relationship

1123
00:52:38,714 --> 00:52:41,820
in the context of being some
problem. That you probably...

1124
00:52:42,522 --> 00:52:45,461
I was thankful that
Niall was willing to speak

1125
00:52:45,494 --> 00:52:47,833
to a complete stranger,
and a man,

1126
00:52:47,866 --> 00:52:50,805
because men don't
really talk about these things.

1127
00:52:51,507 --> 00:52:54,211
You probably feel
a sense of contentment.

1128
00:52:54,479 --> 00:52:56,316
And-- and maybe
the biggest problem

1129
00:52:56,349 --> 00:52:58,220
is the suggestion
that there is one.

1130
00:52:58,253 --> 00:53:00,458
I mean, to be totally honest,
I don't know a lot of that.

1131
00:53:00,491 --> 00:53:03,765
I mean, I-- I do get home
from work and I am sometimes

1132
00:53:03,798 --> 00:53:06,671
absolutely emotionally wiped.
I just wanna veg out.

1133
00:53:06,704 --> 00:53:08,240
You know,
that can be, I think,

1134
00:53:08,273 --> 00:53:09,776
a little bit
frustrating for Emily.

1135
00:53:10,344 --> 00:53:12,549
Does she verbalize it much?

1136
00:53:12,582 --> 00:53:14,352
Not a ton,
other than, you know,

1137
00:53:14,385 --> 00:53:16,323
a couple of snide
comments here and there

1138
00:53:16,356 --> 00:53:17,960
about, well, "It'd be nice
if you did the bath tonight"

1139
00:53:17,993 --> 00:53:19,729
or "It'd be nice
if you did this tonight."

1140
00:53:20,899 --> 00:53:22,836
In a situation like that,

1141
00:53:22,869 --> 00:53:24,507
do you remember
what was Niall's reaction

1142
00:53:24,540 --> 00:53:26,810
to a boiling-over moment?

1143
00:53:28,313 --> 00:53:30,886
He asked me if I was
acting in a local theater.

1144
00:53:30,919 --> 00:53:33,423
He's like, "What,
like, what is all this?

1145
00:53:33,456 --> 00:53:34,894
Are you trying
out for something?

1146
00:53:34,927 --> 00:53:38,366
Because what is that?"
I was dumbfounded.

1147
00:53:40,337 --> 00:53:43,476
He shut down and then
added insult to injury.

1148
00:53:43,911 --> 00:53:46,282
Right, so completely
sort of dismissed--

1149
00:53:46,717 --> 00:53:48,655
dismissed the blow up,
but also said you're

1150
00:53:48,688 --> 00:53:51,425
-over-dramatic, basically.
-Yes.

1151
00:53:51,660 --> 00:53:52,729
I love you.

1152
00:53:53,698 --> 00:53:54,900
They're ready.
Do you wanna say goodnight?

1153
00:53:55,635 --> 00:53:58,440
I understand
you put in 10 hours

1154
00:53:58,473 --> 00:54:00,044
of solving
other people's problems

1155
00:54:00,077 --> 00:54:02,014
and now you're
trying to recharge at home.

1156
00:54:02,649 --> 00:54:06,323
And Emily may desire
connection and support,

1157
00:54:06,356 --> 00:54:07,993
but she would
rather do it herself

1158
00:54:08,026 --> 00:54:11,333
and stay silent than
upset you or come off as--

1159
00:54:11,366 --> 00:54:13,303
as particularly
harsh or critical.

1160
00:54:13,336 --> 00:54:14,707
Yeah. Do I think
she probably holds back

1161
00:54:14,740 --> 00:54:16,343
on saying some stuff?
I'm sure.

1162
00:54:16,376 --> 00:54:18,514
Well, has there ever been
periods where you've had

1163
00:54:18,748 --> 00:54:20,919
a consistent,
we're sitting down

1164
00:54:20,952 --> 00:54:23,357
with tacos and tequila
or cookie dough

1165
00:54:23,390 --> 00:54:26,462
and just a ritual
around communication?

1166
00:54:26,797 --> 00:54:29,502
No. I don't know
if I've conditioned him to--

1167
00:54:29,536 --> 00:54:30,772
It's like the "Okay,

1168
00:54:30,805 --> 00:54:32,676
what do you wanna talk about?"
Bracing.

1169
00:54:32,709 --> 00:54:34,379
"Oh, this isn't
going to go well."

1170
00:54:34,412 --> 00:54:37,385
So-- so who wants
to keep inviting someone

1171
00:54:37,418 --> 00:54:39,455
to that when that's
the-- the-- right?

1172
00:54:39,488 --> 00:54:41,594
What you get back,
so I've just given up.

1173
00:54:41,627 --> 00:54:43,565
Sometimes Seth
and I in our check-in,

1174
00:54:43,598 --> 00:54:46,904
we sit there, we just say,
"I fucking hate your face."

1175
00:54:46,937 --> 00:54:48,908
Like "I'm so sick
of looking at you," you know?

1176
00:54:48,941 --> 00:54:50,679
Like, "Go--
go trim your nose hairs."

1177
00:54:50,712 --> 00:54:52,983
Like, whatever it is, but
I don't care about duration.

1178
00:54:53,016 --> 00:54:55,789
We're just there.
We're there for each other.

1179
00:54:55,822 --> 00:54:58,093
And so that's
what I want to ask of you.

1180
00:54:58,126 --> 00:54:59,696
-Okay.
-Yeah.

1181
00:54:59,930 --> 00:55:01,432
That I mean, that resonates.

1182
00:55:02,001 --> 00:55:03,938
I think the really,
really common way

1183
00:55:03,971 --> 00:55:06,644
we respond to our partners
is to simply defend ourselves.

1184
00:55:06,677 --> 00:55:08,915
To try to convince
my wife that whatever

1185
00:55:08,948 --> 00:55:10,852
she said happened,
didn't happen.

1186
00:55:10,885 --> 00:55:13,023
Or "Why are you making
such a big deal out of this?"

1187
00:55:13,056 --> 00:55:15,060
-Yeah.
-The thing that does happen

1188
00:55:15,093 --> 00:55:17,031
in all of these
default response patterns

1189
00:55:17,064 --> 00:55:19,970
is our wives,
our partners, anybody

1190
00:55:20,003 --> 00:55:22,910
we're talking to
experience invalidation.

1191
00:55:22,943 --> 00:55:27,484
They experience
a human being deciding for them

1192
00:55:27,953 --> 00:55:30,958
whether what they think, what
they feel, what they believe

1193
00:55:31,593 --> 00:55:33,665
-is justified or not.
-Yeah.

1194
00:55:33,698 --> 00:55:35,902
The accumulation of those
when the pile gets big enough,

1195
00:55:35,935 --> 00:55:38,874
trust goes away
and then safety goes away.

1196
00:55:39,141 --> 00:55:42,683
Yeah, I mean, I will-- I have
found myself saying at times,

1197
00:55:42,716 --> 00:55:44,887
"Dude, you're making a mountain
out of a molehill here.

1198
00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:48,160
You don't have to make
such a big--" So I do get that.

1199
00:55:48,193 --> 00:55:50,164
-Yeah.
-What my goal might be,

1200
00:55:50,197 --> 00:55:52,101
I think, is the expression

1201
00:55:52,134 --> 00:55:56,443
"Happy wife, happy life"
might apply here.

1202
00:55:56,476 --> 00:55:57,913
Maybe so that it doesn't get

1203
00:55:57,946 --> 00:55:59,916
to some sort of
breaking point where, um...

1204
00:56:00,484 --> 00:56:02,522
you know, the dishes
become more than the dishes.

1205
00:56:02,555 --> 00:56:04,927
-All right. I love you ladies.
-[Niall] Love you girls.

1206
00:56:04,960 --> 00:56:08,534
[relaxing piano music]

1207
00:56:12,642 --> 00:56:14,913
[whimsical music]

1208
00:56:14,946 --> 00:56:16,683
[interviewer] What grade
is your daughter going in to?

1209
00:56:16,884 --> 00:56:18,019
Ninth grade.

1210
00:56:18,721 --> 00:56:20,124
[buzzer]

1211
00:56:20,157 --> 00:56:21,760
[interviewer] What color
are your daughter's eyes?

1212
00:56:23,096 --> 00:56:24,164
Brown.

1213
00:56:24,700 --> 00:56:25,835
[interviewer]
All right, let's look.

1214
00:56:25,868 --> 00:56:27,506
-That is incorrect.
-[buzzer]

1215
00:56:27,539 --> 00:56:28,941
They're blue.

1216
00:56:28,974 --> 00:56:33,049
Men aren't bad or evil
or just self-interested.

1217
00:56:33,249 --> 00:56:36,891
They feel themselves
legitimately constrained

1218
00:56:36,924 --> 00:56:41,098
by society not to engage
in the kind of roles

1219
00:56:41,499 --> 00:56:44,238
that would
involve them in care.

1220
00:56:44,271 --> 00:56:46,711
Excuse me. She's been
like crying for hours.

1221
00:56:46,744 --> 00:56:49,082
Sorry, but this
is a group for new mothers.

1222
00:56:49,115 --> 00:56:50,852
On that sign out
there it says, "Parents."

1223
00:56:50,885 --> 00:56:52,589
I'm a parent and I don't
know what the hell I'm doing.

1224
00:56:52,622 --> 00:56:54,826
Constrained
by what other men think.

1225
00:56:55,494 --> 00:56:56,864
I think one of your
children's just walked in.

1226
00:56:56,897 --> 00:56:58,601
I mean, shifting, shifting...

1227
00:56:58,634 --> 00:57:00,739
[Andrew] Constrained
by their social obligations

1228
00:57:00,772 --> 00:57:02,609
or professional
obligations.

1229
00:57:02,642 --> 00:57:05,849
And constrained
by women's ideal

1230
00:57:05,882 --> 00:57:08,621
of what an attractive man is.

1231
00:57:08,654 --> 00:57:11,226
Many of us
are operating, you know,

1232
00:57:11,259 --> 00:57:13,664
like on remote control
from a subconscious,

1233
00:57:13,697 --> 00:57:15,702
from a place of tradition,

1234
00:57:15,735 --> 00:57:18,574
not
any negotiated deal,

1235
00:57:18,607 --> 00:57:20,879
just the way
things always have been.

1236
00:57:20,912 --> 00:57:23,083
Men grow up feeling,
"I've got to prove myself,

1237
00:57:23,116 --> 00:57:24,986
I've got to show
I'm a man."

1238
00:57:25,253 --> 00:57:27,526
It's one of the reasons
why men

1239
00:57:27,559 --> 00:57:29,596
don't go to the doctor
as much as women.

1240
00:57:29,629 --> 00:57:32,635
Don't go to
psychologist as much as women.

1241
00:57:32,969 --> 00:57:36,142
Men are scared to say,
"Yeah, I need help.

1242
00:57:36,175 --> 00:57:38,648
I need physical help.
I need emotional help."

1243
00:57:38,681 --> 00:57:41,019
The expectations
for men in our society,

1244
00:57:41,052 --> 00:57:43,758
they're destructive
of caring relationships

1245
00:57:43,791 --> 00:57:45,127
and the kinds
of things that make life

1246
00:57:45,160 --> 00:57:46,764
meaningful and worthwhile.

1247
00:57:46,797 --> 00:57:49,168
-Will everybody just shut up?
-I'm sorry.

1248
00:57:49,201 --> 00:57:52,876
We have a few special
years with our children

1249
00:57:52,909 --> 00:57:55,046
when they're the ones
that want us around.

1250
00:57:55,615 --> 00:57:58,554
The expectation for fathers
is that you're the person

1251
00:57:58,587 --> 00:58:02,929
who is continually available
to work and that to be invested

1252
00:58:02,962 --> 00:58:05,869
in your children's
growth and development,

1253
00:58:05,902 --> 00:58:08,741
is to be less than
committed to your work.

1254
00:58:09,743 --> 00:58:11,546
I liked helping
the school today

1255
00:58:11,814 --> 00:58:14,051
and I think the kids
like having me there too.

1256
00:58:14,619 --> 00:58:16,723
I want ways of doing this more.

1257
00:58:17,057 --> 00:58:21,734
Many of us as men, we don't
want to fit into this box

1258
00:58:21,767 --> 00:58:25,608
and be held hostage to
these rigid notions of manhood.

1259
00:58:25,875 --> 00:58:28,848
But we're afraid to get
out of this box

1260
00:58:28,881 --> 00:58:31,687
because then we're held
accountable by other men.

1261
00:58:31,720 --> 00:58:34,058
Pete Buttigieg Judge
has been on leave

1262
00:58:34,091 --> 00:58:36,831
from his job since August
after adopting a child.

1263
00:58:36,864 --> 00:58:38,266
Paternity leave, they call it,
trying to figure out

1264
00:58:38,299 --> 00:58:40,170
how to breastfeed,
no word on how that went.

1265
00:58:46,015 --> 00:58:48,019
I'm the king of this tree.

1266
00:58:49,021 --> 00:58:50,558
Respect our boy.

1267
00:58:50,925 --> 00:58:52,995
And we love this tree.

1268
00:58:53,731 --> 00:58:55,701
[baby] Dad.

1269
00:58:56,169 --> 00:58:57,839
Dad.

1270
00:58:57,872 --> 00:58:59,007
No, that's not,
that's not the case.

1271
00:58:59,776 --> 00:59:02,014
Or do you expect me
to drive cross-country

1272
00:59:02,047 --> 00:59:03,082
with a newborn by myself?

1273
00:59:04,351 --> 00:59:06,791
I will come and get you.
I don't think it's fair that

1274
00:59:06,824 --> 00:59:09,730
you're so salty at me when
I'm trying to do what's best.

1275
00:59:09,763 --> 00:59:11,700
I don't think it's fair
that you're trying to make

1276
00:59:11,733 --> 00:59:13,737
decisions for our family
without consulting me first.

1277
00:59:16,309 --> 00:59:18,246
I looked at where
my relationship was with

1278
00:59:18,279 --> 00:59:21,085
my wife
and I had to make a choice.

1279
00:59:23,189 --> 00:59:25,360
You know, I could be
very well sacrificing

1280
00:59:25,393 --> 00:59:27,966
the very thing that I'm working
so hard to provide for,

1281
00:59:27,999 --> 00:59:32,174
which is my family, for this
position, for this status.

1282
00:59:33,376 --> 00:59:35,782
And ultimately,
I decided that I was

1283
00:59:35,815 --> 00:59:38,286
going to take a salary cut,
go with another company

1284
00:59:38,319 --> 00:59:41,125
where I was able
to have more of a balance.

1285
00:59:43,329 --> 00:59:44,599
Dad!

1286
00:59:45,267 --> 00:59:46,937
My parents
called and they're like,

1287
00:59:46,970 --> 00:59:49,408
"Would you guys consider
coming out to California

1288
00:59:49,441 --> 00:59:51,145
and taking
care of your grandmother?"

1289
00:59:52,214 --> 00:59:55,420
We found out
she had Stage 4 breast cancer

1290
00:59:55,453 --> 00:59:57,157
that metastasized to the bone.

1291
00:59:57,725 --> 01:00:02,300
Her memory started declining
and it was just-- it was a lot.

1292
01:00:03,169 --> 01:00:06,944
I'm just trying to figure out
how to make everybody happy,

1293
01:00:06,977 --> 01:00:09,281
how to keep
my grandmother alive.

1294
01:00:10,751 --> 01:00:13,056
I really became
the person that paid

1295
01:00:13,089 --> 01:00:14,626
attention to the squeaky wheel.

1296
01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:19,168
Now, she's not just my wife
or you know, my kid's mother.

1297
01:00:19,201 --> 01:00:21,039
She's now a sister.

1298
01:00:21,072 --> 01:00:22,374
She's now a granddaughter.

1299
01:00:22,407 --> 01:00:24,044
She's now a daughter.

1300
01:00:24,779 --> 01:00:27,418
I felt like, you know, I wasn't
really being appreciated,

1301
01:00:27,451 --> 01:00:30,257
you know, like, I'm sacrificing
all this stuff for my family.

1302
01:00:30,290 --> 01:00:31,927
And I come home and it's like--

1303
01:00:31,960 --> 01:00:33,830
it doesn't
feel like it's enough.

1304
01:00:35,267 --> 01:00:37,204
We weren't really
able to hear one another.

1305
01:00:37,237 --> 01:00:38,841
We weren't really able
to see one another because

1306
01:00:38,874 --> 01:00:41,412
we were so
focused on our hurts,

1307
01:00:41,445 --> 01:00:43,784
our pains
and the way that we felt.

1308
01:00:44,351 --> 01:00:46,189
Well, listen, why don't you
want to have the conversation?

1309
01:00:46,222 --> 01:00:48,092
Because it's stressful.

1310
01:00:50,130 --> 01:00:52,434
My parents,
they would just say little

1311
01:00:52,467 --> 01:00:55,340
things like,
"Is Christian okay?

1312
01:00:56,042 --> 01:00:58,714
Do you guys
need some, like, time away?

1313
01:00:58,747 --> 01:01:00,183
Do you guys need to talk?"

1314
01:01:00,216 --> 01:01:03,490
And so those little
questions made me start

1315
01:01:03,524 --> 01:01:07,297
to look at him like,
"Well, I mean, is he okay?"

1316
01:01:08,166 --> 01:01:11,105
Having them point
that out made it easier

1317
01:01:11,138 --> 01:01:12,976
to be able to open up
that communication

1318
01:01:13,009 --> 01:01:15,681
to talk about
some of the hard things.

1319
01:01:16,817 --> 01:01:19,990
So we created
some rules for communicating.

1320
01:01:20,023 --> 01:01:21,492
You're going
to have to help me with these.

1321
01:01:21,526 --> 01:01:23,129
-Mm-hmm.
-Um...

1322
01:01:23,162 --> 01:01:25,200
The first rule is
we don't yell at each other.

1323
01:01:25,233 --> 01:01:26,870
Which is a struggle
for me, because

1324
01:01:26,903 --> 01:01:29,475
if I'm passionate,
my voice gets-- gets loud.

1325
01:01:29,509 --> 01:01:31,212
Another thing
is I couldn't say

1326
01:01:31,245 --> 01:01:33,149
-that she was crazy.
-Mm-hmm.

1327
01:01:33,182 --> 01:01:37,024
and she couldn't tell me to--
to a shut up, right?

1328
01:01:37,057 --> 01:01:39,195
-Or dismiss you.
-Or dismiss me.

1329
01:01:39,228 --> 01:01:41,032
We don't say never or always.

1330
01:01:41,065 --> 01:01:43,871
Like "You never do
this or you always do that."

1331
01:01:43,904 --> 01:01:45,340
I say it and she corrects me.

1332
01:01:45,373 --> 01:01:47,143
Yes. But that's a rule.

1333
01:01:48,446 --> 01:01:51,754
Having the rules
as a foundation for us

1334
01:01:51,787 --> 01:01:54,826
has really helped
frame our conversations

1335
01:01:54,859 --> 01:01:58,099
to always
be loving, respectful.

1336
01:01:58,132 --> 01:02:00,003
You can't ever
take your words back.

1337
01:02:00,036 --> 01:02:01,907
You can't
ever take back the way

1338
01:02:01,940 --> 01:02:03,910
your words
made somebody else feel.

1339
01:02:04,278 --> 01:02:05,446
Yeah, I got that.

1340
01:02:06,415 --> 01:02:07,484
I like that.

1341
01:02:07,518 --> 01:02:11,492
[gentle music]

1342
01:02:13,162 --> 01:02:16,369
Okay, so last
where we left off,

1343
01:02:16,402 --> 01:02:18,206
I remember,
is that we were going

1344
01:02:18,239 --> 01:02:20,878
to start doing
a ten-minute a night check in.

1345
01:02:20,911 --> 01:02:23,249
And then I know
you've had a lot of things,

1346
01:02:23,282 --> 01:02:26,222
life has happened,
to anything you can tell me.

1347
01:02:26,255 --> 01:02:27,993
Oh, well, first of all,
we started off

1348
01:02:28,026 --> 01:02:29,830
doing pretty evenly,
but then there was some times

1349
01:02:29,863 --> 01:02:32,802
where somebody had a great
day or a bad day, whatever,

1350
01:02:32,835 --> 01:02:34,973
so somebody would bleed
into somebody else's time.

1351
01:02:35,006 --> 01:02:37,310
And so it's easy
to find excuses not to do it,

1352
01:02:38,212 --> 01:02:39,950
-especially if you're tired.
-It's like an exercise, right?

1353
01:02:39,983 --> 01:02:41,587
As soon as you
stop going to the gym,

1354
01:02:41,620 --> 01:02:43,123
it's hard to get back into it.

1355
01:02:43,156 --> 01:02:44,593
Ten minutes
can feel really long.

1356
01:02:44,626 --> 01:02:46,429
Sometimes
it's hard to come up stuff

1357
01:02:46,462 --> 01:02:48,567
to talk about,
at least about myself.

1358
01:02:48,600 --> 01:02:51,973
So, I talked about
the weather so much.

1359
01:02:52,942 --> 01:02:54,311
Emily, what about you?

1360
01:02:54,913 --> 01:02:57,350
Um... Gosh, I thought it--

1361
01:02:57,952 --> 01:02:59,488
So I hope you really--

1362
01:03:00,023 --> 01:03:01,259
I hope you really
didn't find it hard

1363
01:03:01,292 --> 01:03:03,530
to talk to
me for ten minutes a day.

1364
01:03:04,632 --> 01:03:09,108
I said it's hard to find
the time to sit down to do it.

1365
01:03:09,141 --> 01:03:11,211
It wasn't that it was hard
to talk to you necessarily.

1366
01:03:11,580 --> 01:03:15,487
It's ten minutes. Like, if
we can't talk for ten minutes,

1367
01:03:15,521 --> 01:03:17,892
then we've got
bigger problems ahead.

1368
01:03:19,461 --> 01:03:22,468
I have not completely
figured out if I'm repeating

1369
01:03:22,501 --> 01:03:24,471
the same patterns
that I saw growing up.

1370
01:03:25,240 --> 01:03:28,113
I go in these waves of thinking
"Well, everyone has a choice."

1371
01:03:28,146 --> 01:03:31,018
And just because you grew
up one way doesn't mean that

1372
01:03:31,051 --> 01:03:33,055
you can't choose
to do things differently."

1373
01:03:34,024 --> 01:03:36,129
My parents didn't
communicate very much at all,

1374
01:03:36,162 --> 01:03:39,902
and when they did, it certainly
wasn't in a functional manner.

1375
01:03:40,103 --> 01:03:43,143
I saw my mom do so much
and then she would

1376
01:03:43,176 --> 01:03:44,880
all of a sudden just blow up.

1377
01:03:44,913 --> 01:03:47,985
And now, as a parent,
I realized that it's just,

1378
01:03:48,386 --> 01:03:51,159
you know, a human
reaction to being overwhelmed.

1379
01:03:51,192 --> 01:03:53,998
And if there was more
fairness in the first place,

1380
01:03:54,031 --> 01:03:55,266
then that
wouldn't have happened.

1381
01:03:56,636 --> 01:04:01,011
My parents got
divorced when I was in college.

1382
01:04:02,648 --> 01:04:04,653
My own childhood
and my own background

1383
01:04:04,686 --> 01:04:07,424
we were progressive in
the sense that both my parents

1384
01:04:07,457 --> 01:04:10,030
worked in a very
male-dominated industry,

1385
01:04:10,063 --> 01:04:11,600
the medical profession.

1386
01:04:11,633 --> 01:04:14,171
The concept of my dad
coming home from work late,

1387
01:04:14,639 --> 01:04:16,275
having dinner
with us and then going

1388
01:04:16,308 --> 01:04:18,179
to his study to work,
that was just normal.

1389
01:04:18,647 --> 01:04:20,283
Literally,
his parents were peers.

1390
01:04:20,316 --> 01:04:22,655
Same job,
same hospital system,

1391
01:04:22,688 --> 01:04:25,661
same accolades,
except that his mom

1392
01:04:25,694 --> 01:04:29,067
had the three children in
the household to take care of.

1393
01:04:30,203 --> 01:04:32,909
I think Niall feels
like if he comes home,

1394
01:04:32,942 --> 01:04:35,446
has dinner,
plays with the children

1395
01:04:35,648 --> 01:04:38,153
and is involved
with some of their evening,

1396
01:04:38,186 --> 01:04:41,391
he's already checking
more boxes than his dad did.

1397
01:04:42,962 --> 01:04:44,966
I feel like we can do better.

1398
01:04:44,999 --> 01:04:46,135
[Niall] Last page.

1399
01:04:48,372 --> 01:04:50,911
[birds chirping]

1400
01:04:52,314 --> 01:04:53,683
-Seth?
-[Seth] Yeah.

1401
01:04:54,451 --> 01:04:55,921
Hi, first of all.

1402
01:04:56,288 --> 01:04:57,390
[Seth] How are you doing?

1403
01:04:58,159 --> 01:05:00,130
So when Seth
and I started to connect,

1404
01:05:00,163 --> 01:05:03,604
I started to ask to go to
the second tier of my journey,

1405
01:05:03,637 --> 01:05:06,241
which was what if
we started to treat our home

1406
01:05:06,510 --> 01:05:08,312
as our most
important organization?

1407
01:05:08,680 --> 01:05:10,116
What would that look like?

1408
01:05:10,416 --> 01:05:12,555
Dad.
That was a bad throw.

1409
01:05:12,588 --> 01:05:15,628
I wanted to bring
to Seth the ownership mindset

1410
01:05:15,661 --> 01:05:18,232
where you own
the task from start to finish

1411
01:05:18,600 --> 01:05:20,203
because that
alleviates the mental load

1412
01:05:20,236 --> 01:05:22,709
and it allows
men to own something,

1413
01:05:22,742 --> 01:05:25,012
to have more autonomy
and to know their role.

1414
01:05:26,181 --> 01:05:27,952
First up was garbage.

1415
01:05:28,319 --> 01:05:31,124
I was still
Seth's garbage shadow.

1416
01:05:32,060 --> 01:05:33,764
So when I tell you
that this is Seth sort

1417
01:05:33,797 --> 01:05:35,366
of walking around
the house on weekends

1418
01:05:35,601 --> 01:05:37,572
and this is Eve
walking behind him,

1419
01:05:37,605 --> 01:05:40,277
just-- he'd turn and be like,
"Hey, what's going on?"

1420
01:05:40,310 --> 01:05:42,014
I go, "Nothing,
just seeing what you're

1421
01:05:42,047 --> 01:05:43,617
doing in the kitchen," right?

1422
01:05:43,650 --> 01:05:46,088
He said to me, "So what's
the deal with the garbage?

1423
01:05:46,422 --> 01:05:48,527
You know, you're
stalking me over garbage."

1424
01:05:50,598 --> 01:05:52,602
One night during our check in,
I said to Seth,

1425
01:05:52,635 --> 01:05:55,106
"You know, I grew up
in a single mom household."

1426
01:05:55,608 --> 01:05:58,146
I remember walking
to our little apartment kitchen

1427
01:05:58,179 --> 01:06:00,049
and our feet would
sort of stick to the floor.

1428
01:06:01,151 --> 01:06:03,355
And more importantly, my
mother started working nights

1429
01:06:03,790 --> 01:06:06,195
and she asked me
to put my disabled brother

1430
01:06:06,228 --> 01:06:08,132
to bed and
he would ask for water

1431
01:06:08,165 --> 01:06:10,270
and I'd go into
our kitchen after dark.

1432
01:06:10,303 --> 01:06:12,775
I'd turn on the lights
and there'd be cockroaches

1433
01:06:12,808 --> 01:06:14,211
and water bugs everywhere.

1434
01:06:15,681 --> 01:06:18,018
And so actually,
when I see a banana peel

1435
01:06:18,319 --> 01:06:21,092
that's about
to overflow our garbage,

1436
01:06:21,125 --> 01:06:22,761
I'm a latchkey kid again

1437
01:06:24,264 --> 01:06:25,534
and I don't
want to be that again.

1438
01:06:25,567 --> 01:06:27,503
I can't live like that again.

1439
01:06:29,241 --> 01:06:31,445
What happens when you're so
divergent over something

1440
01:06:31,478 --> 01:06:33,583
that has to get done
every single day?

1441
01:06:34,686 --> 01:06:37,090
Well, what I found
out is that 25% of people

1442
01:06:37,123 --> 01:06:38,459
divorce over these things.

1443
01:06:38,694 --> 01:06:41,633
We're divorcing over
that discrepancy over garbage

1444
01:06:41,666 --> 01:06:42,768
or that sponge in the sink.

1445
01:06:43,904 --> 01:06:46,677
We come into our relationships
with all of this baggage

1446
01:06:46,710 --> 01:06:48,178
that we never fucking address.

1447
01:06:48,680 --> 01:06:51,185
We never fucking
address this baggage.

1448
01:06:51,218 --> 01:06:53,524
And so for me, thinking
about myself as a child,

1449
01:06:53,557 --> 01:06:55,828
getting really vulnerable,
tearing up about it, which

1450
01:06:55,861 --> 01:06:58,567
I still do today, thinking
about that time in my life,

1451
01:06:58,600 --> 01:07:01,104
Seth could at least understand
why it mattered to me.

1452
01:07:05,113 --> 01:07:07,518
Garbage went out with an
ownership mindset once a day.

1453
01:07:07,885 --> 01:07:09,856
I never had to mention
the word garbage ever again.

1454
01:07:09,889 --> 01:07:11,760
It was a fucking miracle.

1455
01:07:11,793 --> 01:07:13,697
It was like Moses
parting the Red Sea.

1456
01:07:13,730 --> 01:07:15,868
It was the first time
in my life where Seth

1457
01:07:15,901 --> 01:07:17,605
was handling a full task for us

1458
01:07:17,638 --> 01:07:19,609
from start to finish
with no reminders.

1459
01:07:20,744 --> 01:07:23,415
When you start with
the buy in with your why,

1460
01:07:23,617 --> 01:07:25,052
everything changes.

1461
01:07:29,896 --> 01:07:31,733
Seth and I were
in a great rhythm.

1462
01:07:33,870 --> 01:07:36,809
And then COVID happens.

1463
01:07:38,513 --> 01:07:40,216
The World Health Organization

1464
01:07:40,249 --> 01:07:43,122
has now officially
declared a pandemic.

1465
01:07:43,155 --> 01:07:45,628
Daily life, the way
we know it, is on hold.

1466
01:07:45,661 --> 01:07:47,665
Schools across
the country are closed.

1467
01:07:48,667 --> 01:07:52,474
At the onset of COVID,
we asked women to do something

1468
01:07:52,508 --> 01:07:55,648
that I couldn't
have imagined we would

1469
01:07:55,681 --> 01:07:59,421
ever ask anyone to do, right?
We asked them to work

1470
01:07:59,454 --> 01:08:02,427
and at the same time
engage in care-giving.

1471
01:08:03,195 --> 01:08:06,736
The pandemic exposed
things to the larger public

1472
01:08:07,203 --> 01:08:08,607
that have long
been known to people

1473
01:08:08,640 --> 01:08:11,378
who study these issues
of work and family.

1474
01:08:11,613 --> 01:08:13,717
The pandemic
has shown us this--

1475
01:08:13,750 --> 01:08:15,353
this second shift on steroids.

1476
01:08:15,386 --> 01:08:18,594
It highlighted
how fragile our entire

1477
01:08:18,627 --> 01:08:21,933
care infrastructure
actually is.

1478
01:08:21,966 --> 01:08:25,874
Overnight, our whole
child care system eroded.

1479
01:08:27,310 --> 01:08:30,817
[dramatic music]

1480
01:08:36,529 --> 01:08:38,834
Schools closed, daycares closed

1481
01:08:38,867 --> 01:08:41,707
and women had to
make a difficult choice.

1482
01:08:41,740 --> 01:08:45,180
Within a matter of two
months more than 2 million

1483
01:08:45,213 --> 01:08:47,317
women dropped
out of the workforce,

1484
01:08:47,350 --> 01:08:49,923
four times
as many women as men.

1485
01:08:49,956 --> 01:08:53,764
What that's done is set
us back almost two generations

1486
01:08:53,797 --> 01:08:56,670
in terms of women's
participation in the workforce.

1487
01:08:56,703 --> 01:08:59,843
Women that we as a society
have invested

1488
01:08:59,876 --> 01:09:03,517
in training,
in internships, in college.

1489
01:09:03,550 --> 01:09:06,288
So it's really, really
important that we understand

1490
01:09:06,656 --> 01:09:09,361
that if we
do nothing, the result

1491
01:09:09,394 --> 01:09:11,899
is that we will
have permanently lost

1492
01:09:12,300 --> 01:09:14,638
very talented women
from our workforce.

1493
01:09:14,839 --> 01:09:20,283
We are in a, not inevitable,
it's fricking evitable,

1494
01:09:20,316 --> 01:09:24,592
very predictable scenario
where once we have a crisis,

1495
01:09:24,792 --> 01:09:26,963
women become
our social safety net.

1496
01:09:31,405 --> 01:09:33,209
Your world kept moving.

1497
01:09:33,242 --> 01:09:34,579
Yeah, my world
didn't change a lot.

1498
01:09:34,612 --> 01:09:38,587
Mine stopped,
and I was in the middle

1499
01:09:38,620 --> 01:09:42,226
of three projects,
and I had kids home.

1500
01:09:42,561 --> 01:09:44,765
I could not focus on--
I could not do both,

1501
01:09:44,999 --> 01:09:47,304
I couldn't
work and home school.

1502
01:09:47,337 --> 01:09:51,580
And I had a hard-- and that
was really hard for me.

1503
01:09:51,613 --> 01:09:54,652
One of the biggest impacts
that COVID had on our family

1504
01:09:54,685 --> 01:09:58,359
and on me specifically
is the loss of our community,

1505
01:09:58,392 --> 01:09:59,729
of our village.

1506
01:09:59,762 --> 01:10:01,700
Not having those people
daily to be like,

1507
01:10:01,733 --> 01:10:04,739
"It's okay,
your kids aren't going to die.

1508
01:10:05,006 --> 01:10:06,274
You're doing a good job."

1509
01:10:07,845 --> 01:10:10,383
And it just--
yeah, it was hard.

1510
01:10:10,416 --> 01:10:13,422
It's-- it's-- it's a valuable
thing to have

1511
01:10:13,455 --> 01:10:15,528
those people in your life
that you are rooting you on.

1512
01:10:15,561 --> 01:10:17,832
Our son, Carter,
he has a rare disease

1513
01:10:17,865 --> 01:10:19,669
called Sanfilippo Syndrome,
which is like

1514
01:10:19,702 --> 01:10:21,640
a childhood version of
Alzheimer's, and currently,

1515
01:10:21,673 --> 01:10:23,610
there's no cure or treatment
option for these kids.

1516
01:10:24,044 --> 01:10:26,983
I've had to become
his occupational therapist,

1517
01:10:27,016 --> 01:10:29,622
his speech therapist.
I had to become his teacher.

1518
01:10:30,489 --> 01:10:32,528
And I'm not
qualified in any of this stuff.

1519
01:12:33,135 --> 01:12:35,941
We have the most
family hostile public policy

1520
01:12:35,974 --> 01:12:37,744
in the developed world.

1521
01:12:38,112 --> 01:12:40,551
The United States
is one of very few countries

1522
01:12:40,584 --> 01:12:41,920
on the planet with no mention

1523
01:12:41,953 --> 01:12:44,825
of the word family
in our Constitution.

1524
01:12:45,192 --> 01:12:47,163
We have no
federal minimum standard

1525
01:12:47,196 --> 01:12:49,101
for vacation or sick days.

1526
01:12:49,134 --> 01:12:51,105
We have no
universal health care.

1527
01:12:51,138 --> 01:12:52,841
We have no universal
child care.

1528
01:12:53,042 --> 01:12:56,181
The federal minimum wage
hasn't been raised since 2009.

1529
01:12:56,214 --> 01:12:59,555
We have no paid parental
leave at a federal level.

1530
01:12:59,789 --> 01:13:02,027
The United States
and Papua New Guinea

1531
01:13:02,060 --> 01:13:03,664
are the only two countries

1532
01:13:03,697 --> 01:13:05,934
that have no federal
paid maternity leave.

1533
01:13:06,969 --> 01:13:08,774
That's insane.

1534
01:13:08,807 --> 01:13:11,211
And it's quite embarrassing
when you think about it.

1535
01:13:11,244 --> 01:13:14,719
We hold ourselves out
as a model

1536
01:13:14,752 --> 01:13:17,490
in terms of democracy,
in terms of our economy.

1537
01:13:17,524 --> 01:13:20,764
And the fact of the matter is,
when it comes to care,

1538
01:13:21,031 --> 01:13:22,902
we're so far behind.

1539
01:13:22,935 --> 01:13:26,041
[dramatic music]

1540
01:13:33,523 --> 01:13:36,028
Our social structures,
our institutions

1541
01:13:36,061 --> 01:13:39,001
and our systems are still kind
of built around the expectation

1542
01:13:39,034 --> 01:13:41,005
that there's going to be
a stay-at-home parent.

1543
01:13:41,038 --> 01:13:43,175
So whether
it's banks that are only

1544
01:13:43,208 --> 01:13:45,514
open during the workday

1545
01:13:45,547 --> 01:13:47,952
or the post office
or the fact that

1546
01:13:47,985 --> 01:13:50,924
schools are
out for the day at 2:30,

1547
01:13:51,224 --> 01:13:53,997
there's just that
missing gap of time

1548
01:13:54,030 --> 01:13:55,901
in which parents
are scrambling to kind

1549
01:13:55,934 --> 01:13:57,738
of find private solutions

1550
01:13:57,771 --> 01:13:59,709
for what's
really a public problem.

1551
01:13:59,742 --> 01:14:02,079
Why does America shit on moms?

1552
01:14:02,648 --> 01:14:05,019
I mean,
sexism is the obvious answer.

1553
01:14:05,854 --> 01:14:08,125
Every time
we press on expanding

1554
01:14:08,158 --> 01:14:10,496
support for things,
like child care

1555
01:14:10,530 --> 01:14:14,505
the very first thing we
hear back is it's so expensive,

1556
01:14:14,538 --> 01:14:16,141
It costs so much.

1557
01:14:16,174 --> 01:14:17,845
But there are
lots of things that

1558
01:14:17,878 --> 01:14:19,782
we do in
government that cost a lot.

1559
01:14:21,619 --> 01:14:23,757
There's a hidden message there,

1560
01:14:23,790 --> 01:14:27,698
which is it's just too
expensive to support women.

1561
01:14:27,731 --> 01:14:29,669
Wouldn't it be
cheaper if we just let

1562
01:14:29,702 --> 01:14:32,541
women keep
doing it all for free?

1563
01:14:33,242 --> 01:14:37,752
We're saying
we value work in the workplace

1564
01:14:37,785 --> 01:14:39,689
and we value capitalism

1565
01:14:39,722 --> 01:14:41,559
more than
we value our families.

1566
01:14:41,793 --> 01:14:46,068
And I don't think that's how
we actually feel as a society,

1567
01:14:46,101 --> 01:14:49,207
but because
we haven't valued this core

1568
01:14:49,240 --> 01:14:51,679
infrastructure for what it is,

1569
01:14:51,712 --> 01:14:54,919
we are putting
capitalism above our families.

1570
01:14:54,952 --> 01:14:57,524
This stuff makes me so mad.

1571
01:14:58,025 --> 01:14:59,929
I've been saying
this for 40 years

1572
01:14:59,962 --> 01:15:01,766
and it still makes me so mad.

1573
01:15:02,601 --> 01:15:04,303
[sighs] Okay.

1574
01:15:06,976 --> 01:15:08,579
So tomorrow,
they each have soccer.

1575
01:15:08,947 --> 01:15:10,216
Different field, same time.

1576
01:15:10,249 --> 01:15:11,853
You take one,
I'll take the other.

1577
01:15:11,886 --> 01:15:13,657
What do you
have going tomorrow afternoon?

1578
01:15:13,690 --> 01:15:15,627
Nothing.
The fair play journey.

1579
01:15:15,660 --> 01:15:17,598
I mean, I definitely didn't
know what I was getting into.

1580
01:15:17,631 --> 01:15:19,334
Bye.

1581
01:15:19,367 --> 01:15:21,739
I would have friends that would
run for the hills from this.

1582
01:15:21,772 --> 01:15:23,910
This is not the kind of thing
you talk about at happy hour.

1583
01:15:23,943 --> 01:15:28,252
So I think it takes some
level of confidence in yourself

1584
01:15:28,285 --> 01:15:30,256
and confidence
in your relationship

1585
01:15:30,289 --> 01:15:34,599
to take a look in the mirror
and realize the reality.

1586
01:15:34,632 --> 01:15:37,103
Okay, great. So I want
to start with you, Niall.

1587
01:15:37,136 --> 01:15:40,877
I want to go into "I'm proud
of my partner because..."

1588
01:15:41,779 --> 01:15:45,620
Um... all right.
So I just-- ouf. Um...

1589
01:15:46,254 --> 01:15:48,626
Great mom. Great wife.

1590
01:15:49,728 --> 01:15:50,797
[choking up]

1591
01:15:52,835 --> 01:15:55,974
[gentle piano music]

1592
01:16:00,216 --> 01:16:02,253
And it takes
a certain kind of person to be

1593
01:16:03,388 --> 01:16:07,731
[sighs] that good of a mom,
that good of a wife.

1594
01:16:15,212 --> 01:16:18,719
Um, and which
is why I agreed to do this.

1595
01:16:19,722 --> 01:16:21,057
And for my kids as well.

1596
01:16:24,732 --> 01:16:26,836
[laughs]

1597
01:16:28,071 --> 01:16:29,775
I'm crying now, too.

1598
01:16:29,808 --> 01:16:31,779
So, I have
these sheets, right?

1599
01:16:32,781 --> 01:16:34,718
We're just going to be
behind our sheets for a minute.

1600
01:16:35,219 --> 01:16:36,321
I have no idea
what had happened.

1601
01:16:36,354 --> 01:16:39,795
Uh, hardworking, ambitious.

1602
01:16:41,766 --> 01:16:45,306
Uh... [sighs]

1603
01:16:45,339 --> 01:16:48,078
Oh, my God.
You're so sweet.

1604
01:16:48,746 --> 01:16:51,351
-Um, courageous and brave.
-Oh, thank you.

1605
01:16:52,320 --> 01:16:53,857
I think this is beautiful.

1606
01:16:53,890 --> 01:16:56,128
I think this is so
beautiful because to me,

1607
01:16:56,161 --> 01:16:57,698
this is about
the why, you know?

1608
01:16:57,731 --> 01:16:59,201
Like, you guys
have so much in common

1609
01:16:59,234 --> 01:17:01,138
and you fought
so hard to, like,

1610
01:17:01,171 --> 01:17:02,775
get out of these boxes

1611
01:17:02,808 --> 01:17:04,243
and you don't give
each other that credit.

1612
01:17:05,947 --> 01:17:08,252
I took my first
business trip

1613
01:17:08,285 --> 01:17:12,427
since 2019 by myself,
on an airplane by myself.

1614
01:17:12,460 --> 01:17:14,732
In a hotel by myself.

1615
01:17:14,765 --> 01:17:16,435
I had some moments
leading up to it

1616
01:17:16,468 --> 01:17:19,006
that I thought, "This
is going to be impossible."

1617
01:17:19,207 --> 01:17:22,013
But I am so proud
that I didn't give up on it,

1618
01:17:22,046 --> 01:17:25,787
like, lighting the fire again
of what self-care feels like.

1619
01:17:27,758 --> 01:17:29,729
You don't want to waste these
years and look back and say,

1620
01:17:29,762 --> 01:17:32,735
"Shit, why did
I spend all those hours

1621
01:17:32,768 --> 01:17:34,403
working on God knows what

1622
01:17:35,005 --> 01:17:36,943
when you could
be out doing more

1623
01:17:36,976 --> 01:17:38,445
beneficial things
for the whole family?"

1624
01:17:40,349 --> 01:17:41,886
All right, Ladies.

1625
01:17:42,153 --> 01:17:44,090
[Niall] I think
she knows that I'm trying.

1626
01:17:44,457 --> 01:17:46,863
We're probably
never going to be 50-50,

1627
01:17:46,896 --> 01:17:49,267
but she's got, I think,
a little bit less tension,

1628
01:17:49,300 --> 01:17:51,806
a little bit
less emotional stress,

1629
01:17:51,839 --> 01:17:53,409
knowing that
there is some level

1630
01:17:53,442 --> 01:17:56,815
of partnership versus
it being completely one-sided.

1631
01:18:00,322 --> 01:18:02,327
I got to sleep in.

1632
01:18:02,360 --> 01:18:05,934
[indiscernible chatting]

1633
01:18:06,267 --> 01:18:07,336
Good morning.

1634
01:18:08,305 --> 01:18:09,975
It's not even, Quinn.

1635
01:18:10,242 --> 01:18:12,113
Is there
a puzzle fest down here?

1636
01:18:12,146 --> 01:18:14,184
Oh, Quinn is crushing,
but she needs to learn

1637
01:18:14,217 --> 01:18:16,154
how to do the corners first.

1638
01:19:16,307 --> 01:19:18,345
The most important
is working in a team

1639
01:19:18,378 --> 01:19:20,248
because José
is helping me a lot.

1640
01:19:20,917 --> 01:19:23,322
Yeah, he's my lover,
my husband, my--

1641
01:19:23,355 --> 01:19:25,793
my friend, my everything.

1642
01:19:29,133 --> 01:19:30,202
The gas.

1643
01:19:43,361 --> 01:19:45,232
[guitar music]

1644
01:20:18,933 --> 01:20:23,274
[children mumbling]

1645
01:20:23,976 --> 01:20:27,316
When COVID hit, I didn't
expect to get laid off, right?

1646
01:20:27,349 --> 01:20:29,621
That wasn't something
that was necessarily planned.

1647
01:20:30,022 --> 01:20:32,460
But when it happened,
it was like, "Okay, well,

1648
01:20:32,493 --> 01:20:34,330
what's the next step?"

1649
01:20:35,667 --> 01:20:38,238
We started a business
as we're working together

1650
01:20:38,940 --> 01:20:41,578
and now,
I'm home most of the time.

1651
01:20:43,348 --> 01:20:47,624
All of a sudden, he's at home
with four kids all day long.

1652
01:20:48,225 --> 01:20:50,429
You know, I say
I got the kids one at a time

1653
01:20:50,462 --> 01:20:53,068
and he comes in
and all of a sudden,

1654
01:20:53,101 --> 01:20:56,307
all four want
his attention, 24/7.

1655
01:20:57,276 --> 01:20:58,344
All done?

1656
01:20:58,579 --> 01:20:59,614
[boy] Eggs.

1657
01:21:00,482 --> 01:21:02,053
-Eggs?
-Eggs.

1658
01:21:02,086 --> 01:21:03,188
What about you?

1659
01:21:03,221 --> 01:21:05,059
I remember him saying one time,

1660
01:21:05,092 --> 01:21:07,163
"I'm not
a domesticated husband, like."

1661
01:21:07,196 --> 01:21:08,533
[laughs]

1662
01:21:08,566 --> 01:21:10,704
"I'm just not--
This is not what I want."

1663
01:21:10,737 --> 01:21:12,975
And what's funny is,
is that the transition

1664
01:21:13,008 --> 01:21:15,245
wasn't necessarily
easy for her.

1665
01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:17,985
Because, like,
when I'm observing things,

1666
01:21:18,018 --> 01:21:19,989
you know, I'm like,
"Okay, this can run better."

1667
01:21:20,022 --> 01:21:22,326
Or if I'm starting to
engage more in a particular

1668
01:21:22,359 --> 01:21:25,332
area of our life, I'm going
to take ownership of it.

1669
01:21:25,365 --> 01:21:27,336
So she said
to me once, you know,

1670
01:21:27,369 --> 01:21:30,075
"Hey, listen, you're
entering into my world, right?"

1671
01:21:30,108 --> 01:21:32,948
So like-- like
this was like her world.

1672
01:21:32,981 --> 01:21:34,985
And I'm now just entering,
I'm like,

1673
01:21:35,018 --> 01:21:37,489
"No, this is our world, okay?"
You know what I mean?

1674
01:21:38,526 --> 01:21:43,334
I would say Christian does
90% of the domestic work now.

1675
01:21:43,769 --> 01:21:45,272
I would say 80,
but...

1676
01:21:45,305 --> 01:21:47,242
No, I'm going to
give you that extra ten.

1677
01:21:47,644 --> 01:21:51,451
He does 90% and then
I probably do about 10%.

1678
01:21:51,484 --> 01:21:54,925
And childcare, I would
say we split about 50-50.

1679
01:21:55,627 --> 01:21:57,396
Yeah, yeah.
I would say that's

1680
01:21:57,429 --> 01:21:59,433
that that's probably accurate.
Yeah.

1681
01:22:01,104 --> 01:22:05,514
I am a lot more
relaxed now when it comes to

1682
01:22:05,547 --> 01:22:10,456
parenting and domestic work,
because my kids are watching.

1683
01:22:10,489 --> 01:22:15,399
Like, they're watching
how I show up as an example

1684
01:22:15,432 --> 01:22:18,038
of how they should
move through the world.

1685
01:22:18,071 --> 01:22:22,146
Putting away their desires
or their hopes or their dreams

1686
01:22:22,179 --> 01:22:25,520
to respond to whatever
seems loudest at the moment

1687
01:22:25,553 --> 01:22:27,624
is not the life
that I want for them.

1688
01:22:27,657 --> 01:22:29,995
And so I have to model that.

1689
01:22:31,665 --> 01:22:34,470
My relationship
with the youngest, Windsor,

1690
01:22:34,503 --> 01:22:37,711
is drastically
different than it was

1691
01:22:37,744 --> 01:22:40,583
with the older
three at that age.

1692
01:22:41,685 --> 01:22:44,224
With Windsor,
because I'm here all the time,

1693
01:22:44,257 --> 01:22:46,361
her first words was Daddy.

1694
01:22:46,394 --> 01:22:48,532
She would come
to me if she was hurt.

1695
01:22:49,367 --> 01:22:51,504
There's nothing
like parenting that

1696
01:22:51,538 --> 01:22:54,778
really gets you to--
to look at yourself, you know.

1697
01:22:54,811 --> 01:22:59,220
It's allowed me to show up in
ways that I didn't even foresee

1698
01:22:59,253 --> 01:23:01,457
in other areas of my life.

1699
01:23:02,359 --> 01:23:03,596
Christian being home,

1700
01:23:05,600 --> 01:23:08,806
it's-- it's just--
it's given me so much.

1701
01:23:08,839 --> 01:23:11,410
I hope I don't cry.
Um...

1702
01:23:12,246 --> 01:23:13,482
It's given me so much.

1703
01:23:13,516 --> 01:23:15,452
It's meant
so much to our family.

1704
01:23:16,321 --> 01:23:17,790
Um...

1705
01:23:20,830 --> 01:23:25,806
It's given me the freedom
to build my passion.

1706
01:23:27,711 --> 01:23:30,817
I think that there are moments
like that that happen in life

1707
01:23:30,850 --> 01:23:34,324
where we have to find
our way into ourselves.

1708
01:23:34,357 --> 01:23:39,367
And I'm so grateful
because I can be an amazing mom

1709
01:23:39,400 --> 01:23:41,271
who loves
spending time with her kids

1710
01:23:41,304 --> 01:23:44,377
and I can be
a beast speaking in front

1711
01:23:44,410 --> 01:23:46,113
of thousands
of people on stage.

1712
01:23:46,582 --> 01:23:51,124
But it took me a while
to find that it was okay.

1713
01:23:51,157 --> 01:23:55,198
It was okay for me to lose
my identity and find it again.

1714
01:23:56,702 --> 01:23:59,775
One of the biggest
lies that we were told

1715
01:23:59,808 --> 01:24:03,115
on our wedding day
is "Enjoy this,

1716
01:24:03,148 --> 01:24:05,452
this is going to be
the best day of your marriage."

1717
01:24:06,120 --> 01:24:10,128
Absolutely not.
Absolutely not.

1718
01:24:10,495 --> 01:24:13,502
I see you, all your flaws
and all your imperfections.

1719
01:24:13,536 --> 01:24:17,109
You see me and all
my mess and all my baggage.

1720
01:24:17,142 --> 01:24:18,244
And I got you.

1721
01:24:20,182 --> 01:24:22,352
-I love you.
-I love you, too, babe.

1722
01:24:24,891 --> 01:24:28,197
[inspiring music]

1723
01:24:31,939 --> 01:24:33,643
I think we're
really on the verge

1724
01:24:33,676 --> 01:24:35,613
of a paradigm shift here.

1725
01:24:37,349 --> 01:24:40,857
Partly because it's
so unsustainable to not have

1726
01:24:40,890 --> 01:24:44,430
a plan in place for how we're
going to care for our families.

1727
01:24:45,365 --> 01:24:47,704
I mean, what else
could be more important

1728
01:24:47,737 --> 01:24:50,876
to making everything
else in the economy possible?

1729
01:24:52,379 --> 01:24:55,520
We've never said,
"Hey, what do women really need

1730
01:24:55,553 --> 01:24:57,256
to stay in the workforce?

1731
01:24:57,289 --> 01:24:58,726
How might we accommodate them?"

1732
01:24:58,759 --> 01:25:00,295
Let me tell you something.

1733
01:25:00,328 --> 01:25:03,569
If I worked
at a job and there was

1734
01:25:03,602 --> 01:25:06,307
child care,
I would never leave.

1735
01:25:06,340 --> 01:25:09,881
[relaxing music]

1736
01:25:15,225 --> 01:25:18,432
It's really about
investing in capitalism.

1737
01:25:18,465 --> 01:25:24,845
If we made sure there's
equal pay for equal job,

1738
01:25:24,878 --> 01:25:27,183
if the tax system
did not discriminate

1739
01:25:27,216 --> 01:25:30,724
against the secondary earner
who is usually a woman,

1740
01:25:30,757 --> 01:25:33,361
then we could see
large progress.

1741
01:25:33,394 --> 01:25:35,332
These norms
and expectations that

1742
01:25:35,365 --> 01:25:36,869
we can't be flexible with work

1743
01:25:36,902 --> 01:25:39,207
and people can't spend
some time working at home.

1744
01:25:39,240 --> 01:25:40,777
That's all been
thrown up in the air.

1745
01:25:40,810 --> 01:25:44,618
So companies can be much
more flexible with work hours

1746
01:25:44,651 --> 01:25:45,920
for their employees.

1747
01:25:45,953 --> 01:25:48,324
Here's what paid
paternity leave does:

1748
01:25:48,526 --> 01:25:52,868
it allows men to go home
at the point in time

1749
01:25:52,901 --> 01:25:56,207
where the chore gap
gets exponentially longer.

1750
01:25:56,240 --> 01:25:59,615
It allows men
to experience things

1751
01:25:59,648 --> 01:26:03,355
like, "Is this cry
a hungry cry?

1752
01:26:03,388 --> 01:26:05,527
Is it a tired cry?"

1753
01:26:05,560 --> 01:26:10,402
You build capability in
care-giving from the beginning.

1754
01:26:10,837 --> 01:26:16,916
And men who do that come back
to work energized, grateful.

1755
01:26:16,949 --> 01:26:20,556
They come back
more inclusive leaders.

1756
01:26:20,923 --> 01:26:24,565
It's really
important if we are going

1757
01:26:24,598 --> 01:26:26,969
to make this into
an effective movement

1758
01:26:27,002 --> 01:26:29,440
to realize that
work-family conflict

1759
01:26:29,473 --> 01:26:31,377
it's not even about women.

1760
01:26:31,712 --> 01:26:33,315
Women are just the roadkill.

1761
01:26:33,348 --> 01:26:36,421
It's about men
and gender pressures on men.

1762
01:26:36,454 --> 01:26:39,761
It is for men
what feminism is for women.

1763
01:26:40,328 --> 01:26:43,268
It's a profound
change in our ideals

1764
01:26:43,301 --> 01:26:44,905
of what it means to be a man.

1765
01:26:44,938 --> 01:26:46,642
What my capacities are.

1766
01:26:46,675 --> 01:26:49,548
Of what I should strive for,
what it should celebrate.

1767
01:26:49,581 --> 01:26:53,021
When we poll men
at the end of their life,

1768
01:26:53,054 --> 01:26:57,462
what they tell us is that
their deepest lifetime regret

1769
01:26:57,697 --> 01:27:00,737
is not that they
didn't get another book written

1770
01:27:00,770 --> 01:27:03,307
or make another $10,000.

1771
01:27:03,542 --> 01:27:06,481
It's that they
did not spend more time

1772
01:27:06,515 --> 01:27:08,519
with family and friends.

1773
01:27:08,552 --> 01:27:13,695
♪

1774
01:27:16,935 --> 01:27:21,579
Men who play an equal
or at least a near equal role

1775
01:27:21,612 --> 01:27:23,314
in raising their
children and housework,

1776
01:27:23,916 --> 01:27:25,587
they are healthier.

1777
01:27:25,620 --> 01:27:27,289
They are less likely
to be on prescription meds

1778
01:27:27,322 --> 01:27:28,391
or anti-depressants.

1779
01:27:28,424 --> 01:27:29,962
And here's the kicker.

1780
01:27:29,995 --> 01:27:33,001
Not only is he happier,
but he has sex more often.

1781
01:27:33,034 --> 01:27:35,507
I mean, talk about
a win-win situation.

1782
01:27:35,540 --> 01:27:39,514
♪

1783
01:27:46,595 --> 01:27:48,498
Kids need attention.

1784
01:27:48,532 --> 01:27:50,035
Kids need more than one
parent

1785
01:27:50,068 --> 01:27:51,839
giving them attention--
when possible,

1786
01:27:51,872 --> 01:27:53,876
I'm not putting down
one parent families.

1787
01:27:53,909 --> 01:27:55,580
But where possible,

1788
01:27:55,613 --> 01:27:57,482
kids need all
the attention they can get.

1789
01:27:57,850 --> 01:28:00,455
So we need
the society supporting it.

1790
01:28:01,758 --> 01:28:03,629
Ben, you're playing
with your friends at 3:30.

1791
01:28:03,996 --> 01:28:05,465
Good luck with school today.

1792
01:28:05,933 --> 01:28:09,040
The most important
thing that I learned

1793
01:28:09,073 --> 01:28:10,709
in my fair play journey

1794
01:28:10,943 --> 01:28:15,619
was think about
who did laundry in your home.

1795
01:28:16,487 --> 01:28:17,890
Who taught
you how to ride a bike?

1796
01:28:18,458 --> 01:28:20,696
Who put that
dollar under your pillow?

1797
01:28:22,032 --> 01:28:23,603
We call it unpaid labor.

1798
01:28:23,636 --> 01:28:25,371
We dismiss it. We diminish it.

1799
01:28:27,644 --> 01:28:31,450
But being allowed to care,
being allowed to parent,

1800
01:28:31,752 --> 01:28:33,990
being allowed to have the time

1801
01:28:34,023 --> 01:28:36,695
to forge relationships
with your children,

1802
01:28:37,162 --> 01:28:40,335
that's a legacy
that we all deserve.

1803
01:28:41,037 --> 01:28:42,439
It's our humanity.

1804
01:28:46,180 --> 01:28:47,984
I'll do the dishes.

1805
01:28:49,053 --> 01:28:52,794
It was about two years ago
when I was ten years old.

1806
01:28:52,827 --> 01:28:55,031
I started really
embracing the housework.

1807
01:28:55,700 --> 01:28:59,106
It makes me feel really
good when you do the full task

1808
01:28:59,139 --> 01:29:00,943
from start to finish.

1809
01:29:01,678 --> 01:29:05,620
I'm really proud
of my mom for taking a stand

1810
01:29:05,653 --> 01:29:10,730
and talking to both woman
and men to teach them both

1811
01:29:10,763 --> 01:29:13,735
how they should
be making it fair.

1812
01:29:14,738 --> 01:29:18,411
And my dad
has really modeled that for me.

1813
01:29:19,714 --> 01:29:22,086
You know, they say sunlight
is the biggest disinfectant.

1814
01:29:22,119 --> 01:29:24,090
And so she really
put a spotlight on it,

1815
01:29:24,123 --> 01:29:25,859
she took a megaphone to it.

1816
01:29:26,494 --> 01:29:29,801
Coming out the other side,
everybody's much happier.

1817
01:29:30,068 --> 01:29:31,805
I don't think
we have to talk about

1818
01:29:31,838 --> 01:29:33,475
it anymore
because we just do it.

1819
01:29:33,509 --> 01:29:35,045
See you later.

1820
01:29:35,078 --> 01:29:36,982
The kids, they've actually
seen my transformation.

1821
01:29:37,015 --> 01:29:38,753
-See you later.
-Bye.

1822
01:29:38,786 --> 01:29:40,121
Ultimately,
the torch gets passed

1823
01:29:40,589 --> 01:29:41,959
and I think
you can't, you know,

1824
01:29:41,992 --> 01:29:45,733
break this chain
unless you model it as a man

1825
01:29:46,033 --> 01:29:49,172
and as a husband
and-- and as a father.

1826
01:29:56,087 --> 01:29:58,592
We're never going to
get to gender equality

1827
01:29:58,625 --> 01:30:00,797
until traditional
women's work is valued

1828
01:30:00,830 --> 01:30:02,667
as much
as traditional men's work.

1829
01:30:03,034 --> 01:30:05,573
And men do it as much

1830
01:30:05,606 --> 01:30:07,978
as women are
doing traditional men's work.

1831
01:30:08,011 --> 01:30:10,850
This really is our moment
and we just got to keep going.

1832
01:30:10,883 --> 01:30:12,486
[laughs]

1833
01:30:12,520 --> 01:30:15,225
Rule one,
all time is created equal.

1834
01:30:15,258 --> 01:30:18,832
Once you re-frame that to say
"My time is equal to yours,"

1835
01:30:19,133 --> 01:30:21,004
an hour holding
my child's hand in

1836
01:30:21,037 --> 01:30:22,841
the pediatrician's office

1837
01:30:22,874 --> 01:30:25,145
is as valuable to society,
as an hour in the boardroom.

1838
01:30:25,178 --> 01:30:27,616
I started seeing men
wanting to take on more.

1839
01:30:30,823 --> 01:30:32,994
The biggest benefit
in implementing Fair Play

1840
01:30:33,027 --> 01:30:35,031
was 100% getting time back.

1841
01:30:35,231 --> 01:30:38,038
You have to be able
to get some of the shit

1842
01:30:38,071 --> 01:30:40,676
off your plate
to have optimal experiences.

1843
01:30:40,943 --> 01:30:42,614
And so when women
are interrupted every

1844
01:30:42,647 --> 01:30:43,883
3 minutes and 42 seconds--

1845
01:30:43,916 --> 01:30:45,552
[children] Mom!

1846
01:30:45,953 --> 01:30:48,726
There's very little time
to get into your flow state.

1847
01:30:48,759 --> 01:30:51,532
And so that
idea of time, uninterrupted

1848
01:30:51,565 --> 01:30:54,036
attention
for things that I love

1849
01:30:54,069 --> 01:30:56,040
is what fair play has given me.

1850
01:30:56,073 --> 01:30:57,977
[kid] Ready?

1851
01:30:58,010 --> 01:31:00,717
-♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
-♪ To me ♪

1852
01:31:00,750 --> 01:31:04,189
♪ Happy birthday, dear mom ♪

1853
01:31:04,591 --> 01:31:06,795
[laughing]

1854
01:31:08,164 --> 01:31:11,503
I really believe
honestly that for women

1855
01:31:12,038 --> 01:31:13,975
to step into their
full power in the world,

1856
01:31:14,644 --> 01:31:18,217
it requires men to step into
their full power in the home.

1857
01:31:18,685 --> 01:31:20,488
[conversation din]

1858
01:31:22,627 --> 01:31:25,165
Care matters.
It's not all on us.

1859
01:31:25,198 --> 01:31:27,035
It is valuable work.

1860
01:31:27,068 --> 01:31:29,006
And societies cannot be built

1861
01:31:29,039 --> 01:31:31,177
on the backs
of the unpaid labor

1862
01:31:31,210 --> 01:31:33,314
of women any longer.

1863
01:31:33,347 --> 01:31:38,190
[upbeat music]

1864
01:31:57,062 --> 01:32:04,009
♪

1865
01:32:17,002 --> 01:32:23,648
♪

1866
01:32:40,048 --> 01:32:46,828
♪

1867
01:32:50,769 --> 01:32:57,015
♪

1868
01:33:14,717 --> 01:33:20,929
♪

1869
01:33:37,395 --> 01:33:44,209
♪

1870
01:33:56,968 --> 01:34:01,410
[relaxed music]

1871
01:34:32,238 --> 01:34:39,052
♪

1872
01:34:55,552 --> 01:35:02,298
♪

1873
01:35:21,303 --> 01:35:26,981
♪