1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,219 Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody, put your hands together. 4 00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:14,305 Please welcome to the stage Ali Wong! 5 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,289 Hi, everybody! 6 00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:44,669 We love you, Ali! 7 00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:47,714 Thank you. 8 00:00:52,343 --> 00:00:58,516 You know, I'm very jealous and bitter 9 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:01,686 that when a man finds 10 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:06,649 any ounce of mainstream success in comedy, 11 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:10,028 they get to date models, 12 00:01:11,529 --> 00:01:14,908 actresses, and pop singers. 13 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:20,955 One of my dear friends is arguably one of the top stand-up comics 14 00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:23,500 in the world. 15 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:26,127 And for the past year and a half, 16 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:27,670 she's been dating 17 00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:30,715 a magician. 18 00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,519 I was like, "Okay, you know, no judgment, girl, 19 00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:46,898 but is he at least, like, a good magician?" 20 00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:51,111 "Is he, like, the best magician 21 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:54,697 like how you are one of the best stand-up comedians?" 22 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:58,868 I looked that dude up on Yelp, he got two stars. 23 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:05,667 That's what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you. 24 00:02:05,750 --> 00:02:08,086 A "ain't shit" magician. 25 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:14,717 See, because when you are a woman with money, power, and respect, 26 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:18,179 your romantic options do not expand. 27 00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:21,516 They decline! 28 00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:27,230 Now, I am told it's because men are threatened 29 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:30,900 by women with money, power, and respect. 30 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:33,444 What do you think is going to happen to you, huh? 31 00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:37,824 You think your dick is gonna get acquired in a hostile takeover? 32 00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:43,288 I bet most men in this theater 33 00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:46,166 have never, ever had your dick sucked 34 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:50,253 by a woman that makes a lot more money than you. 35 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:51,838 And let me tell you something. 36 00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:54,674 It is spectacular, okay? 37 00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:55,633 It is. 38 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,178 It is. 39 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:03,725 Why wouldn't it be? 40 00:03:03,808 --> 00:03:08,146 If she got the skills to earn money, power, and respect, 41 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:11,149 you don't think she got good pattern recognition? 42 00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,153 Those skills transfer. 43 00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:20,950 You should feel so lucky, 44 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:24,120 so flattered, so blessed and highly favored, 45 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:28,124 if you ever had the opportunity to get your dick sucked 46 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:32,962 by a woman that makes a lot more money than you. 47 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:35,006 Because out of all the things 48 00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:39,260 this important woman could be doing with her valuable time… 49 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,058 Yeah. 50 00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,896 All of her responsibilities, 51 00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:54,317 all the interesting opportunities and deals knocking at her door, 52 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,360 but no. 53 00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:58,029 She chose to get on her knees 54 00:03:58,112 --> 00:04:02,116 and stick your $40,000-a-year dick in her mouth… 55 00:04:08,122 --> 00:04:09,916 in your Toyota Yaris. 56 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,008 But no. None of you, 57 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:23,346 not a single man in here knows what it's like 58 00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:26,599 to cum on the face of a millionaire. 59 00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:32,063 Sure, you've gotten head. 60 00:04:32,146 --> 00:04:36,025 But have you ejaculated onto a great American mind? 61 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:44,158 Has your sperm swam in the eyes of an icon? 62 00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:51,791 Have you been deep-throated by a voice of a generation? 63 00:04:51,874 --> 00:04:53,293 I don't think so! 64 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:03,803 It's highly unlikely that any man in here… 65 00:05:03,886 --> 00:05:06,556 Well, any straight man in here, 66 00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:12,395 knows what it's like to cum on the face of a millionaire. 67 00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:18,651 First of all, how many female, self-made millionaires are there to begin with? 68 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,570 And then out of that pool, 69 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:23,698 how many of them gonna let you cum on their face? 70 00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:25,491 There's three of us, okay? 71 00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:29,704 Yeah, I don't even know who the other two are. 72 00:05:29,787 --> 00:05:32,457 You think Ellen gonna let you cum on her face? 73 00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:37,337 You think Oprah gonna let you go to Montecito and stomp on all her vegetables? 74 00:05:47,555 --> 00:05:48,765 I love 75 00:05:50,224 --> 00:05:52,518 to get cummed on, on the face. 76 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:56,939 I do. 77 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,318 Because it's so nasty 78 00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:02,653 and is so easy. 79 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:07,742 It is so easy, especially when you compare it to sucking dick, 80 00:06:07,825 --> 00:06:10,912 which is so physically taxing. 81 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:14,665 The choking, the eyes watering. 82 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:19,045 And if you really want to keep it 100, you got to add the pepper grinding. 83 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:20,922 A lot, you know? 84 00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:39,023 Whenever I get a deep tissue massage, the masseuse is always like, 85 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:43,611 "Do you sit and work at a computer all day?" 86 00:06:46,614 --> 00:06:48,783 I'm like, "No, I sucked dick last night." 87 00:06:48,866 --> 00:06:50,743 "Now I can't look to the left." 88 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:02,964 So in addition to all of that labor, 89 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:09,929 when you suck dick, there is all of this performing and pretending involved. 90 00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:13,015 You have to tell all of these lies. 91 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:16,644 "This is the biggest dick I've ever had in my mouth." 92 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:20,273 "I love sucking your cock. It makes my pussy so wet." 93 00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:23,192 "Yummy!" 94 00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:38,416 But you have to tell the lies 95 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:41,377 to make the man cum faster. 96 00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:53,848 The lies will set you free! 97 00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:06,152 But then when you get cummed on on the face, 98 00:08:06,235 --> 00:08:08,821 your only job as the woman 99 00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:12,074 is to make an enthusiastic expression. 100 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,120 And then your other assignment 101 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:19,332 is to not laugh… 102 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:27,256 while this grown-ass man is straddling your rib cage, 103 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,551 he looking down at you, you looking up at him, 104 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:33,804 and you see him from this very unflattering angle 105 00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:38,100 where he got that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know? 106 00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:42,230 He all possessed by the Holy Spirit. 107 00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:48,027 "Look at me, Mommy, watch me, pay attention, look at me!" 108 00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:11,968 Young men in particular, 109 00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:16,138 they don't like women with money, power, and respect, 110 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:21,185 because they know you can't tell that kind of woman what to do. 111 00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:29,151 Young men want a woman that's chill. 112 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:34,365 That's a quality in a partner that they seek out and brag about. 113 00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:36,826 "Bro, I'm dating this new chick." 114 00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:38,911 "She's so chill." 115 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:42,665 "She doesn't give a fuck about what I do 'cause she's chill." 116 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:47,086 "She lets me do whatever I want 'cause she's dead inside." 117 00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:48,379 "She's chill." 118 00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:51,799 "She's like a corpse with tits. It's awesome." 119 00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:53,384 "She's chill." 120 00:09:56,846 --> 00:10:02,810 I have never, ever wanted to date a man that was chill. 121 00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:08,232 'Cause chill don't pay the bills. 122 00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:19,243 My nephew is 25 years old, and he is dating this architect. 123 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:24,165 My goodness, she is so smart and interesting, 124 00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:27,043 successful, and charismatic, 125 00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:30,463 and we all hope that he marries her one day. 126 00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:34,717 But he called me up earlier this week and he was like, "You know, Auntie Ali, 127 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,761 I think I'mma break up with her." 128 00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:39,680 "Yeah, because she's a boss at work, 129 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:44,685 and so she thinks it's okay to come home and boss me around." 130 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:48,814 I was like, "Oh." 131 00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:51,859 "Well, 132 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:56,072 that shit's gonna happen to you no matter what." 133 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:07,249 "Whether she a boss, whether she employed or unemployed, 134 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,127 once you get married and have kids, 135 00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,588 your wife gonna boss you around." 136 00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:17,802 "And you would know that if you watched House Hunters." 137 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:25,851 House Hunters is a show on HGTV 138 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,895 where a couple 139 00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:31,565 pretends that there's a decision to be made together. 140 00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:41,742 And they go on this fake-ass journey looking at three different houses, 141 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:44,870 and the audience is meant to be left in suspense. 142 00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:48,207 "Which house are they gonna choose?" 143 00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:55,005 It's whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place, okay? 144 00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,886 And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho, 145 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:05,349 or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed 146 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:08,811 where houses cost $5,000 an acre… 147 00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:17,945 Barbara, she don't got money, power, or respect. 148 00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:20,364 But Barbara is a woman, 149 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:23,993 and all women are very good 150 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:27,288 at being extremely unpleasant… 151 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:34,044 and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage 152 00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:37,339 until we get what we fucking deserve, okay? 153 00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:38,924 Yes. 154 00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:45,848 That is a superpower that we evolved 155 00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:49,268 to compensate for our lack of earning potential. 156 00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:54,482 You can't tell any woman what to do, 157 00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:59,111 so you might as well pick the bitch that will give you health insurance, okay? 158 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:08,829 I know exactly why 159 00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:13,793 there's a disproportionate amount of men that do stand-up. 160 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:18,339 It's all because of fan pussy. 161 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,967 We call them chuckle fuckers. 162 00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:33,270 These poor, naive women who get dickmatized when they laugh. 163 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:39,151 And fan pussy is so motivating 164 00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:44,490 because fan pussy is young and sexy and exciting. 165 00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:51,205 Fan pussy is a great reward for doing stand-up comedy. 166 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,668 And fan dick 167 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:57,753 is frightening. 168 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:09,849 Any man watching me, listening to what I have to say, 169 00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:13,394 and thinking to themselves, "I want to fuck her…" 170 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,482 is a raging psychopath. 171 00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:27,491 And has extremely good taste. 172 00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:35,291 Fan dick is not interested in showing me a good time. 173 00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:37,918 Fan dick wants to trim my pubes 174 00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:41,881 and sew them into wigs for his antique doll collection. 175 00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:49,722 That's why I don't see more women doing stand-up. 176 00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:52,266 There is no reward, 177 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,477 only danger and punishment. 178 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:03,861 Lot of my male stand-up comic friends be hooking up with women, 179 00:15:03,944 --> 00:15:09,241 beautiful, gorgeous women, through the DMs. 180 00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:12,494 Direct messaging. 181 00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:17,082 I never check my DMs. 182 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:23,422 And when I do, it's only to see if Sanrio, the owners of Hello Kitty, 183 00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:26,550 have finally contacted me to offer sponsorship. 184 00:15:27,217 --> 00:15:28,218 Yeah. 185 00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:30,554 Come on! 186 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:34,183 I think I'd be a great fit, and I want all of that shit. 187 00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,393 I want the Gudetama pajamas. 188 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:40,898 I want the erasers that smell like the gum. 189 00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:45,319 And I want the gum that tastes like the erasers. 190 00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:46,904 I want all of that shit. 191 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,035 But no. 192 00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:54,703 My DMs are full of 193 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:58,749 these Silence of the Lambs motherfuckers. 194 00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:05,005 It's these dudes who always have zero followers. 195 00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:08,258 Do you know anybody who doesn't know anybody? 196 00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:16,892 They don't even offer to take me out to dinner 197 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,602 or lick my pussy. 198 00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:23,983 They just threaten to decapitate me if I don't let them smell my feet. 199 00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:28,946 And it's a shame, you know? 200 00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:33,158 It's very disturbing, this disparity in quality 201 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:36,412 between fan pussy and fan dick. 202 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,497 It is so upsetting 203 00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,499 to a person like me. 204 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,043 Because I think 205 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:47,006 about cheating on my husband… 206 00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:52,136 every five minutes. 207 00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,183 I haven't done it yet. 208 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,895 Not because I'm a good person, 209 00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:07,276 only because no worthy opportunity has presented itself. 210 00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:13,490 My mom doesn't understand, she can't relate 211 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:18,162 to these feelings of wanting to fool around outside of your marriage, 212 00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:22,791 because she's an immigrant woman who was born in 1940. 213 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,003 Her world is a lot smaller than mine. 214 00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:30,716 The only men my mother has ever had an actual conversation with 215 00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:33,510 are my brother and my dad. That's it. 216 00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,513 I, on the other hand, 217 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:40,309 have met the entire cast of The Avengers. 218 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:52,863 And I want all of them to cum on my face. 219 00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:11,090 I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis. 220 00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:19,223 Having two C-sections and being the breadwinner of my family 221 00:18:19,306 --> 00:18:22,142 has turned me into a 50-year-old man. 222 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:28,065 I had a colonoscopy a couple years ago. 223 00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:30,943 That is some 50-year-old man shit right there. 224 00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,279 What had happened was 225 00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:40,077 I, all of a sudden, got extremely bloated over a very short period of time. 226 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:46,125 And it was so extreme to the point where I thought I was pregnant again. 227 00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:50,170 And I took a test, and it was negative. 228 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,674 And then my OBGYN became very concerned 229 00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:57,010 that I was showing symptoms of ovarian cancer, 230 00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:59,012 because it runs in my family. 231 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:04,059 And so then she ordered a CT scan, and the results came back. 232 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,352 And she said to me, 233 00:19:06,353 --> 00:19:07,771 "Okay, Ali." 234 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,900 "Well, you know, the good news is that 235 00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:15,821 you don't have ovarian cancer, okay? And then…" 236 00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:20,242 "The bad news is that, Ali, 237 00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,371 you are full of shit." 238 00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:31,128 "Stop giggling, Ali, stop it. This is serious, okay?" 239 00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:34,298 On the report, the radiologist wrote, 240 00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:37,134 "The results are remarkable." 241 00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:47,102 Which, to me, seems like the radiologist gave me an A++. 242 00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,940 She was like, "No, that's bad." 243 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:56,236 When the radiologist writes "The results are remarkable," 244 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,363 what that translates to is, 245 00:19:58,447 --> 00:19:59,656 "Oh my goodness, 246 00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:03,619 I don't understand how this tiny Vietnamese mom 247 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:07,164 fit this football field of doo-doo inside of her body." 248 00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:11,460 "I have never seen this in my 30 years as a radiologist, 249 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:16,173 and I cannot wait to text screenshots of this to all my radiologist friends." 250 00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:26,099 So then a GI specialist was called in, 251 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:30,312 and I saw her look at the results, 252 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:31,772 and she went like this. 253 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,445 And then she turns to me and says, 254 00:20:38,528 --> 00:20:43,367 "Miss Wong, I am so sorry that I gasped in front of your face." 255 00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:46,078 "That was so unprofessional of me." 256 00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:48,580 "I know exactly who you are." 257 00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:52,334 "Please do not talk about how I just did that on stage." 258 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:04,012 "But, you know, I have to admit that I'm clearly alarmed by what I see here." 259 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:08,058 "You are backed up well into your small intestine, 260 00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:12,312 and I'm almost certain that there is some sort of mass, 261 00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:16,358 and most likely a tumor that's causing all of this blockage." 262 00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:19,903 "So we're going to have to perform a colonoscopy 263 00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:22,114 to see what's going on in there." 264 00:21:22,197 --> 00:21:25,409 I was like, "Why? You guys just did a CT scan." 265 00:21:25,492 --> 00:21:26,660 And she was like, "Yes, 266 00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:32,916 it is true that the whole point of a CT scan is to see inside of your body, 267 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:38,588 but the lasers couldn't penetrate the Great Wall of Shit that's inside you." 268 00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:42,843 "And they just ricocheted and bounced back into the machine, 269 00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:44,928 and now the machine is shook, so… 270 00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,057 we're going to have to stick a camera 271 00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:51,518 up your ass." 272 00:21:53,353 --> 00:21:54,521 And I was so nervous. 273 00:21:54,604 --> 00:21:58,525 But what I didn't know was that right before the procedure, 274 00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:00,694 they give you propofol. 275 00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:06,074 And I have to say that as a working mother of two… 276 00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:11,872 getting to take a drug-induced nap for an hour… 277 00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:17,919 was well worth having a news crew up my butt. 278 00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:25,302 It was luxurious. 279 00:22:26,803 --> 00:22:29,806 When I woke up from the colonoscopy, I was like, 280 00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:31,892 "I want another colonoscopy." 281 00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:39,399 And then it turned out that my colon was perfectly healthy, 282 00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:44,071 and I figured out that what caused that huge traffic jam was 283 00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:48,116 the summer before, I was shooting this movie called Always Be My Maybe. 284 00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:51,161 Oh, thank you. 285 00:22:54,081 --> 00:23:00,253 Yeah, it was a big-ass deal because it was the first movie I had ever co-written 286 00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:02,672 and starred in as the lead. 287 00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:06,051 And I worked on it for 12 hours a day, 288 00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:11,014 every day for six weeks straight, and I was so busy 289 00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,601 that I forgot to take a shit… 290 00:23:16,603 --> 00:23:18,688 for six weeks. 291 00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:22,401 The movie shot in Vancouver and in San Francisco, 292 00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:27,697 and I have no recollection of shitting in Vancouver or in San Francisco. 293 00:23:30,450 --> 00:23:32,452 I just straight up forgot. 294 00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:37,082 Something like that would never happen to a man. 295 00:23:37,165 --> 00:23:43,046 Men, you never forget to take a shit ever. 296 00:23:44,631 --> 00:23:45,632 Ever. 297 00:23:48,635 --> 00:23:53,056 How could you, when you sit on the toilet and have your sacred ritual 298 00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:56,351 every morning to summon the shit? 299 00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:59,938 You sit there from 8:00 a.m. to 8:30 a.m. 300 00:24:00,021 --> 00:24:03,567 You sit there with all of your reading materials, 301 00:24:03,650 --> 00:24:07,988 your iPad battery just burning up the sperm in your balls. 302 00:24:08,071 --> 00:24:12,242 You sit there at the most crucial time of the day, 303 00:24:12,325 --> 00:24:16,329 when your wife and kids need you and the bathroom the most. 304 00:24:16,413 --> 00:24:23,170 You sit there to avoid reality and all of your responsibility in life. 305 00:24:23,753 --> 00:24:27,215 You're too scared to ask your wife for alone time, 306 00:24:27,299 --> 00:24:30,886 so instead you just passively-aggressively take it 307 00:24:30,969 --> 00:24:33,930 by chasing your wife and kids out of the bathroom 308 00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:36,975 with the stank of your selfish-ass shit! 309 00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:44,483 Women, we don't do that, okay? 310 00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:47,569 We have too much guilt and shame 311 00:24:48,236 --> 00:24:53,992 to sit there every morning at the same time to summon the shit. 312 00:24:54,075 --> 00:24:57,120 Instead, the shit comes to us 313 00:24:57,204 --> 00:25:01,166 at the most inconvenient time of the day. 314 00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:08,173 When we're in the middle of a meeting, or 315 00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:13,094 onstage taping our third Netflix special. 316 00:25:21,937 --> 00:25:25,023 But when you feel that first turtle head peek out, 317 00:25:25,106 --> 00:25:27,817 you gotta squeeze your butt cheeks in, 318 00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:29,569 suck the poo-poo back up 319 00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:32,864 into your generous, loving, self-sacrificing soul. 320 00:25:37,244 --> 00:25:40,372 But then at some point, you gots to go, 321 00:25:40,455 --> 00:25:42,499 and then it's an emergency. 322 00:25:42,582 --> 00:25:48,255 It's always an emergency when a woman finally takes a shit, 323 00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:51,675 and that's why every woman's public restroom 324 00:25:51,758 --> 00:25:55,011 looks like a post-apocalyptic zombie nightmare, 325 00:25:55,720 --> 00:26:00,600 where there is blood on the walls and pizza on the record player. 326 00:26:11,653 --> 00:26:16,700 My life has changed dramatically in the past seven years. 327 00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:23,415 Seven years ago, I pressured the shit out of my then-boyfriend to propose to me. 328 00:26:23,498 --> 00:26:25,959 Every day, I was in his ear… 329 00:26:26,042 --> 00:26:28,336 "When you going to ask me to marry you?" 330 00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:32,173 "I'm not gonna wait forever!" 331 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:34,467 "Everybody wants this pussy." 332 00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:36,595 Nobody else wanted this pussy, 333 00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:39,598 but I had to make up these fairy tales 334 00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:42,642 to add pizzazz to the ultimatum, you know? 335 00:26:47,022 --> 00:26:49,858 It was crazy, but my wish came true. 336 00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:52,235 He proposed, we got married. 337 00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:55,238 We bought a house, had two kids. 338 00:26:55,322 --> 00:27:00,160 Fast-forward to seven years later, present day, I'm like, 339 00:27:00,243 --> 00:27:02,037 "I don't know why I did that." 340 00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:10,420 I think that what happened was at the time, 341 00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:16,635 my future in comedy was looking very uncertain, you know? 342 00:27:18,053 --> 00:27:19,721 I was really struggling. 343 00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:22,349 Like, I was eating cough drops for dessert. 344 00:27:22,432 --> 00:27:23,600 It was so sad. 345 00:27:25,226 --> 00:27:30,190 And I panicked. I was like, "I don't know if I can make it in this world on my own." 346 00:27:30,273 --> 00:27:35,403 "So I better trap this dude who graduated from Harvard Business School 347 00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:37,906 so that I don't end up homeless." 348 00:27:40,825 --> 00:27:41,910 But now, 349 00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:45,664 I know that I can make it on my own. 350 00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:58,218 So I kind of want to just be on my own. 351 00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:05,934 Only other married people with kids can empathize 352 00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:11,314 with the deep envy I feel towards you single people, okay? 353 00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:14,192 You don't know how free you are. 354 00:28:14,275 --> 00:28:16,986 You can eat an edible at 2:00 p.m., 355 00:28:18,738 --> 00:28:24,160 go to the aquarium and watch the jellyfish go back and forth. 356 00:28:26,287 --> 00:28:31,126 You don't gotta bring a giant bag with little Ziploc baggies of Goldfish, 357 00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:32,460 and toy cellphones. 358 00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:35,547 You can just go with what's in your pockets. 359 00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:43,304 You single people, you don't know what it's like 360 00:28:43,388 --> 00:28:45,932 to eat a cold quesadilla 361 00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:49,894 that your toddler threw on the floor, 362 00:28:51,229 --> 00:28:54,315 because it's easier to put it in your mouth 363 00:28:55,066 --> 00:28:57,444 than travel to the trash, 364 00:28:58,319 --> 00:29:01,906 while you repeat to yourself over and over that 365 00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:04,451 child abuse is illegal! 366 00:29:12,625 --> 00:29:17,422 You single people, if you're romantically involved with somebody, 367 00:29:17,505 --> 00:29:18,882 and then all of a sudden, 368 00:29:18,965 --> 00:29:23,845 that somebody reveals a personality trait that you don't like, 369 00:29:25,305 --> 00:29:27,432 you could just leave. 370 00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:35,857 Move to another city and never see their stupid face again. 371 00:29:37,650 --> 00:29:39,986 Because you didn't make a promise 372 00:29:40,069 --> 00:29:44,240 in front of your grandma and all your coworkers 373 00:29:44,324 --> 00:29:47,619 and ask your friends to buy you an Instant Pot. 374 00:29:49,829 --> 00:29:56,795 You didn't fuse your DNA to create human life that will forever ask you, 375 00:29:56,878 --> 00:30:00,131 "Where's Daddy?" 376 00:30:05,428 --> 00:30:10,433 You single people, you don't have to go on a playdate, 377 00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:16,731 which is basically a blind date that your toddler sets you up on… 378 00:30:19,025 --> 00:30:22,904 with some bitch you have zero chemistry with. 379 00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:34,332 You single people, you don't have to be nice to your mother 380 00:30:34,415 --> 00:30:38,253 because you need her for babysitting. 381 00:30:43,591 --> 00:30:46,344 You don't have to smile 382 00:30:46,427 --> 00:30:50,682 and listen to all of this unsolicited parenting advice 383 00:30:50,765 --> 00:30:54,185 from this woman who neglected the shit out of you… 384 00:30:56,855 --> 00:31:03,278 because you want time to yourself to binge Bridgerton to feel alive again. 385 00:31:09,367 --> 00:31:13,955 Like you single people, I, too, was once free, okay? 386 00:31:15,540 --> 00:31:20,545 And then like an idiot, I asked this dude to ask me to go to prison. 387 00:31:26,634 --> 00:31:30,638 And now I'm in monogamy jail, and I don't know how to get out. 388 00:31:32,682 --> 00:31:38,479 Monogamy made sense when we lived until we were 40 years old. 389 00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:41,649 Yeah, I'm 39 right now, 390 00:31:41,733 --> 00:31:45,486 so if you told me that I had to do this shit for another year, 391 00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:47,864 I'd be like, "Yeah, I could do that." 392 00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:52,660 "I can rub it out to Aquaman for another year, it's fine." 393 00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:54,037 "It's no big deal." 394 00:32:03,379 --> 00:32:05,882 But as an Asian woman, I'm gonna live 395 00:32:05,965 --> 00:32:08,426 until I'm 95 years old. 396 00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:15,433 That's not even a joke, okay? 397 00:32:15,516 --> 00:32:17,852 that is statistically probable. 398 00:32:19,562 --> 00:32:22,148 My husband and I are the same age. 399 00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:25,234 He'll most likely die when he's 85. 400 00:32:25,318 --> 00:32:28,071 So between 85 and 95 is 401 00:32:28,154 --> 00:32:31,574 when I'm morally allowed to fuck other people again. 402 00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:32,867 It's too late. 403 00:32:33,743 --> 00:32:36,996 'Cause at the age of 75 is when Asian women 404 00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:39,165 finally turn into an owl. 405 00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:46,881 You know what I'm talking about. 406 00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:49,676 Their tattooed eyebrows turn green and shit. 407 00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:55,473 They go bald, and then the few strands that are left, they perm the shit out of 408 00:32:55,556 --> 00:32:57,809 to make it more Jhirmack "bounce back." 409 00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:02,522 And then they become obsessed with dried jujubes 410 00:33:02,605 --> 00:33:06,317 and just walk around in down jackets all day like this. 411 00:33:23,876 --> 00:33:26,921 I want to fuck other people now… 412 00:33:29,048 --> 00:33:33,678 before I metamorphosize into a nut sack with a visor. 413 00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:44,772 You want to cheat with me? 414 00:33:44,856 --> 00:33:46,858 You want to fuck around with me? 415 00:33:46,941 --> 00:33:50,111 You better give me two weeks' notice, okay? 416 00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:54,115 'Cause you gotta give me time to go shopping 417 00:33:54,198 --> 00:33:55,950 for new underwear. 418 00:33:58,327 --> 00:34:01,998 I've been with the same dude for the last 10 years. 419 00:34:02,081 --> 00:34:06,794 So all my underwear looks like it's been snacked on by rats. 420 00:34:15,845 --> 00:34:18,723 Just looks like wardrobe from Les Miserables, okay? 421 00:34:18,806 --> 00:34:21,976 Like a tattered sail of a pirate ship. 422 00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:26,856 The elastic? Gone. 423 00:34:26,939 --> 00:34:31,235 So the crotch area hangs about five inches below my actual pussy, 424 00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:33,863 like a Indiana Jones suspension bridge, 425 00:34:33,946 --> 00:34:37,116 like a hammock in the Blue Bayou, okay? 426 00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:41,954 You want to fuck around with me? Let me know, 427 00:34:42,538 --> 00:34:47,668 so I got time to go to Target and get that sweet five-for-20 Xhilaration panty deal. 428 00:34:52,423 --> 00:34:54,675 Merona, whatever's on sale. 429 00:35:03,351 --> 00:35:05,144 In our society, 430 00:35:05,228 --> 00:35:09,190 there is no word for a male mistress. 431 00:35:09,982 --> 00:35:15,446 That's how taboo it is for women to cheat on their husbands. 432 00:35:15,530 --> 00:35:19,075 The only word I've ever heard is sancho, 433 00:35:20,243 --> 00:35:23,579 yes, because Mexican women cheat on their husbands, 434 00:35:24,497 --> 00:35:28,084 because their culture is mucho más mejor. 435 00:35:28,167 --> 00:35:30,628 Es la verdad, okay? It is. 436 00:35:31,629 --> 00:35:37,635 I've been saying this about Mexican people and Mexican culture for a long time. 437 00:35:37,718 --> 00:35:39,262 I'm like the Little Mermaid. 438 00:35:39,345 --> 00:35:42,723 I want to be part of your Telemundo, okay? 439 00:35:43,266 --> 00:35:47,270 Yes. Si se puede, con permiso, let me in. Come on. 440 00:35:47,895 --> 00:35:50,898 I like Fabuloso, okay? 441 00:35:50,982 --> 00:35:54,694 I like storing my pots and pans in the oven. Yeah. 442 00:35:55,736 --> 00:35:58,489 I like squeezing lime juice on everything. 443 00:35:59,031 --> 00:36:01,742 I like hickeys. I love hickeys. 444 00:36:06,956 --> 00:36:11,127 Generally, our society is very unforgiving 445 00:36:11,210 --> 00:36:14,130 of women who cheat on their husbands, 446 00:36:14,213 --> 00:36:20,511 and at the same time, it's so forgiving of men who cheat on their wives. 447 00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:27,435 Somehow money, power, and respect will earn a man the right to cheat. 448 00:36:27,518 --> 00:36:30,521 People will come to his defense and say, 449 00:36:30,605 --> 00:36:36,777 "Oh, how could he be expected to resist all of that fan pussy?" 450 00:36:37,278 --> 00:36:40,698 "He is so awesome, he deserves to cheat." 451 00:36:41,782 --> 00:36:47,830 For women, no matter how much money, power, or respect you earn, 452 00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:53,169 you are never allowed to behave badly and get away with it. 453 00:36:54,837 --> 00:36:57,548 But that's all I want to do. 454 00:36:59,175 --> 00:37:02,386 I want to have it all. 455 00:37:02,929 --> 00:37:07,141 I want to have a family, a career, 456 00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:09,227 and a side piece. 457 00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:21,572 The greatest trick women ever played on ourselves was making us believe 458 00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:27,286 that having it all was limited to having a family and a career. 459 00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,038 I got both of those things. 460 00:37:29,121 --> 00:37:31,374 Newsflash, it's not enough. 461 00:37:32,541 --> 00:37:34,543 Necesito más. 462 00:37:36,879 --> 00:37:39,048 I don't just want equal pay, 463 00:37:39,131 --> 00:37:41,425 I want equal pleasure. 464 00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:45,096 But it would be very threatening 465 00:37:45,179 --> 00:37:49,600 if all women wanted and felt like they deserved that, 466 00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:53,354 because then a bunch of women wouldn't be available 467 00:37:53,437 --> 00:37:58,526 to helping their husbands make their lives as easy as possible. 468 00:37:59,110 --> 00:38:03,447 Do you know how much more successful I would be if I had a wife? 469 00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:16,627 Some loving, devoted woman by my side 470 00:38:16,711 --> 00:38:20,131 who bought a bunch of fruit besides bananas? 471 00:38:22,049 --> 00:38:25,052 And put the duvet cover on the duvet? 472 00:38:29,348 --> 00:38:31,851 People don't like it when women cheat, you know, 473 00:38:31,934 --> 00:38:35,604 and they'll really turn on you because they feel betrayed, 474 00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:38,107 especially if you're a mom. 475 00:38:38,190 --> 00:38:42,528 It's too contrary to your wholesome, loving image. 476 00:38:43,237 --> 00:38:47,616 And that's why I'm trying to let all of you know now… 477 00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:54,290 that I'm a real piece of shit, okay? 478 00:38:57,043 --> 00:39:01,756 I want you to really listen to me and understand this and believe me, 479 00:39:02,256 --> 00:39:05,343 so that you're not shocked or surprised, 480 00:39:05,426 --> 00:39:07,803 so that you don't abandon me 481 00:39:07,887 --> 00:39:14,352 when you see the TMZ video of my face getting fire-hosed by Michael B. Jordan… 482 00:39:24,737 --> 00:39:28,449 while I chant, "Wakanda forever!" 483 00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:48,052 I think another reason why a lot of women are hesitant to cheat 484 00:39:48,135 --> 00:39:51,472 is because it's too high stakes 485 00:39:51,555 --> 00:39:55,559 to put your family, your reputation, 486 00:39:55,643 --> 00:39:58,270 your life as you know it on the line, 487 00:39:58,354 --> 00:40:02,066 all for the probability that you most likely 488 00:40:02,149 --> 00:40:04,902 will not have an orgasm. 489 00:40:09,573 --> 00:40:14,870 Very difficult to make a woman, especially a new woman, cum. 490 00:40:14,954 --> 00:40:16,872 It's so annoying. 491 00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,749 It's a design flaw. 492 00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:20,793 There's too many factors. 493 00:40:20,876 --> 00:40:24,171 There's too much shit that has to align. 494 00:40:24,255 --> 00:40:25,673 The lighting, 495 00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:27,383 the temperature, 496 00:40:28,050 --> 00:40:29,677 the news. 497 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:35,266 You can't be all up in your head about the global supply chain being backed up. 498 00:40:35,349 --> 00:40:40,396 I don't deserve to cum when the Dow Jones is down 500 points 499 00:40:40,479 --> 00:40:43,441 and I still don't understand what cryptocurrency is. 500 00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:46,360 Who can cum in times like these? 501 00:40:50,823 --> 00:40:55,786 So in order for a woman to cum, all this shit has to align, right? 502 00:40:55,870 --> 00:41:00,958 And then on top of that, the dude got to have skills. 503 00:41:01,625 --> 00:41:05,296 He gotta have great timing. 504 00:41:06,255 --> 00:41:12,761 He gotta know how to come in real slow and soft 505 00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:16,348 and romantic and tenderoni in the beginning… 506 00:41:20,853 --> 00:41:23,856 and then get real rapey by the end. 507 00:41:33,949 --> 00:41:36,911 In, like, a consensual way, of course. 508 00:41:40,456 --> 00:41:43,792 But a lot of dudes, they fuck that timing up, right? 509 00:41:43,876 --> 00:41:46,212 They come out the gates guns blazing, 510 00:41:46,295 --> 00:41:48,380 like Braveheart coming over the hill, just… 511 00:41:49,965 --> 00:41:51,258 "Mortal Kombat!" 512 00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:53,969 And you're like, "Okay, I'm bleeding and… 513 00:41:57,056 --> 00:41:59,266 think you rubbed my clit off onto the floor, 514 00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:01,727 and now it's lost with the dust bunnies." 515 00:42:09,026 --> 00:42:11,987 And then some dudes, they do the opposite, right? 516 00:42:12,071 --> 00:42:16,992 They maintain this whole, like, candlelit, walk-on-the-beach energy… 517 00:42:17,076 --> 00:42:20,663 Close your eyes Make a wish 518 00:42:20,746 --> 00:42:23,791 …throughout the entire course of the sex, and it's like, 519 00:42:23,874 --> 00:42:26,961 "Nah, dude. In the last 30 seconds, 520 00:42:27,044 --> 00:42:29,755 I need you to put me in a headlock 521 00:42:29,838 --> 00:42:32,174 and say racist shit to me. Okay?" 522 00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:33,968 "Yeah." 523 00:42:34,051 --> 00:42:37,221 "Yeah, I want my eyebrows to fly off my face, 524 00:42:38,097 --> 00:42:42,977 and I want you to degrade me until I go deaf and mute at the same time." 525 00:42:46,605 --> 00:42:48,607 "You gotta shape-shift, bro." 526 00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:53,737 Nothing more satisfying to a woman 527 00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:58,450 then when a man goes through a sudden and extreme transformation 528 00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:01,370 that she is responsible for. 529 00:43:06,375 --> 00:43:07,585 You know, 530 00:43:08,711 --> 00:43:12,965 would be such a shame to go through all that trouble of cheating 531 00:43:13,924 --> 00:43:17,386 to end up having to fake an orgasm. 532 00:43:18,929 --> 00:43:24,935 In fact, I don't think any of us women should be faking orgasms anymore. 533 00:43:25,561 --> 00:43:26,854 Yeah. 534 00:43:26,937 --> 00:43:29,398 No more faking orgasms. 535 00:43:33,527 --> 00:43:37,781 I mean, you really think about it, that is some nutty-ass shit 536 00:43:38,282 --> 00:43:39,742 that we women do. 537 00:43:39,825 --> 00:43:41,869 That's a skill that you taught yourself. 538 00:43:41,952 --> 00:43:44,538 That wasn't passed down to you from your mother. 539 00:43:44,622 --> 00:43:47,708 You taught yourself to do that shit out of survival. 540 00:43:49,543 --> 00:43:54,340 And it is wildly indicative of how terrified we women are 541 00:43:54,423 --> 00:43:56,717 of offending a man, 542 00:43:56,800 --> 00:44:01,305 that we would rather fake an orgasm than simply say… 543 00:44:05,809 --> 00:44:07,603 "Hey, I just want to go home." 544 00:44:17,696 --> 00:44:19,531 "This is so not awesome." 545 00:44:20,240 --> 00:44:24,328 "And I feel like I've really tried to tell you where to put it, 546 00:44:24,411 --> 00:44:27,873 where not to put it, how fast, how slow, and 547 00:44:29,083 --> 00:44:31,877 you straight up just don't listen, you know, so… 548 00:44:35,464 --> 00:44:39,635 I'd really like to just go back to my house and fold clothes." 549 00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:50,604 Men are so much more incentivized to cheat because 550 00:44:50,688 --> 00:44:53,107 you're going to cum no matter what. 551 00:44:53,190 --> 00:44:56,318 It's so easy for a man to cum. 552 00:44:56,402 --> 00:44:59,029 All you need is a wet hole. 553 00:44:59,113 --> 00:45:00,656 You don't even need that! 554 00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:04,827 Men love to jerk off in front of women all the time. 555 00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:08,038 I've seen, like, 70 men jack off in my lifetime. 556 00:45:09,081 --> 00:45:12,376 Men love to show you their masturbation practice. 557 00:45:13,460 --> 00:45:14,962 But for me, you know, 558 00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:20,592 if a man is not performing at the caliber I need him to perform at, 559 00:45:20,676 --> 00:45:24,221 I'm not all of a sudden going to leap onto his neck 560 00:45:24,304 --> 00:45:27,599 and start fingering myself over his face, you know? 561 00:45:28,517 --> 00:45:31,520 Like, "Oh, you have erectile dysfunction?" 562 00:45:31,603 --> 00:45:33,021 "No problem. I got it." 563 00:45:33,105 --> 00:45:36,442 "Let me just dangle my pubes, 564 00:45:36,525 --> 00:45:40,195 my long-ass pandemic pubes over your forehead 565 00:45:40,279 --> 00:45:42,823 and squirt into your nose hole. You don't like it?" 566 00:45:42,906 --> 00:45:47,703 "Who cares? Who's gonna believe you, you young, powerless boy?" 567 00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:53,625 I'd be like, "What the fuck am I doing?" 568 00:46:07,639 --> 00:46:12,644 So if you haven't seen the movie, it's a romantic comedy… 569 00:46:14,813 --> 00:46:21,403 where I play a celebrity chef who falls back in love with her childhood friend. 570 00:46:21,487 --> 00:46:23,155 And in the movie, 571 00:46:23,238 --> 00:46:28,744 my character hooks up with three different, very good-looking, 572 00:46:28,827 --> 00:46:30,329 very iconic, 573 00:46:30,412 --> 00:46:33,373 very sexy Asian American men. 574 00:46:33,457 --> 00:46:36,668 I know, it's like, who wrote this thing, right? Like… 575 00:46:38,420 --> 00:46:40,297 Whose idea was this? 576 00:46:43,759 --> 00:46:47,971 And while shooting, all of my girlfriends kept on asking me, 577 00:46:48,055 --> 00:46:49,973 "Okay, Ali, on the DL, 578 00:46:51,016 --> 00:46:54,186 you gonna hook up with one of your costars?" 579 00:46:56,188 --> 00:46:59,858 You know, I came this close… 580 00:47:01,026 --> 00:47:03,612 to fucking the food consultant. 581 00:47:08,742 --> 00:47:15,040 It was this 29-year-old Persian dude who had tattoos all over his arms 582 00:47:15,123 --> 00:47:18,126 and his chest, and when the wind blew, oh my God, 583 00:47:18,210 --> 00:47:20,170 he was so ripped, you could see everything. 584 00:47:20,254 --> 00:47:22,548 You could see the King's Hawaiian, 585 00:47:22,631 --> 00:47:28,136 you could see the cum gutters pointing you straight to the kingdom of heaven. 586 00:47:28,220 --> 00:47:30,097 You could see it all, you know? 587 00:47:35,018 --> 00:47:37,938 And we spent one Sunday morning 588 00:47:38,021 --> 00:47:41,108 butchering 18 raw chickens. 589 00:47:42,776 --> 00:47:46,947 That shit was like the "Unchained Melody" scene from Ghost… 590 00:47:49,950 --> 00:47:51,869 but with salmonella. 591 00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:57,249 He had his arms wrapped around me, 592 00:47:57,332 --> 00:47:59,084 and I almost sliced my hand off, 593 00:47:59,167 --> 00:48:05,966 because I could feel his 29-year old dick getting hard up against my spine. 594 00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:07,926 Yeah. 595 00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:12,014 See, the pussy can fake a orgasm, but the dick don't lie. 596 00:48:12,097 --> 00:48:17,561 I felt that biology and that truth right up against my back. 597 00:48:18,645 --> 00:48:21,815 I did not feel violated. 598 00:48:23,525 --> 00:48:26,987 I felt victorious. 599 00:48:29,323 --> 00:48:30,365 I did. 600 00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:38,332 As, like, a 39-year-old woman with two C-section scars, 601 00:48:38,415 --> 00:48:40,876 I was like, "Oh my God, I am so powerful." 602 00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:43,629 "I changed density, motherfucker, what!" 603 00:48:45,589 --> 00:48:48,884 "I am a wizard! I'm a blood bender! I could be in Avatar." 604 00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:53,639 "Let's go, Appa. Let's go find Zuko and make out! Let's go!" 605 00:48:59,478 --> 00:49:02,147 And I went back to my hotel that afternoon 606 00:49:02,230 --> 00:49:03,857 and I pull down my pants, 607 00:49:04,816 --> 00:49:06,360 and my underwear… 608 00:49:08,528 --> 00:49:11,281 looked like the bottom of a bird cage. 609 00:49:30,342 --> 00:49:36,640 It's a mystery to me why Hello Kitty hasn't contacted me yet, you know? 610 00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:40,644 It's like, 611 00:49:40,727 --> 00:49:42,729 come on, what's up? 612 00:49:47,109 --> 00:49:50,404 When I saw that in my underwear, when I saw those loogies, 613 00:49:50,487 --> 00:49:54,992 I was like, "Oh my God, I still got it!" 614 00:49:55,617 --> 00:50:00,580 There is still supply, given that there is fresh demand, okay? 615 00:50:03,083 --> 00:50:07,254 If you don't understand the supply and demand metaphor, 616 00:50:07,337 --> 00:50:11,633 what I'm trying to tell you is my body still produces pussy juice, people. 617 00:50:11,717 --> 00:50:14,094 Okay? And it was good pussy juice too. 618 00:50:14,177 --> 00:50:16,638 It was sparkly and glistening. 619 00:50:17,431 --> 00:50:19,850 Viscous but not too pasty. 620 00:50:19,933 --> 00:50:22,102 Pungent but not too dank, it was… 621 00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:23,854 It was. 622 00:50:25,856 --> 00:50:28,191 I took a little fun dip in there, 623 00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:31,361 that shit tasted like LaCroix Pamplemousse. 624 00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:34,114 It was quality. 625 00:50:34,197 --> 00:50:38,827 It could've sealed up all the holes in my underwear like Gorilla Glue, it was… 626 00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:55,135 You know, as much as I would love to cheat on my husband, 627 00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:59,097 I cannot afford to get a divorce. 628 00:51:00,348 --> 00:51:01,892 I can't, you know? 629 00:51:02,392 --> 00:51:08,148 The reality is, I need my husband way more than he needs me. 630 00:51:08,231 --> 00:51:11,902 It is ten times harder to find a decent husband 631 00:51:11,985 --> 00:51:14,738 than it is to find a great wife. 632 00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:17,532 It's so fucking annoying, you know? 633 00:51:18,575 --> 00:51:24,122 I'm almost 40, so I have all these, like, acquaintances getting divorced right now. 634 00:51:24,206 --> 00:51:26,541 All these women, they keep coming up to me… 635 00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:32,923 "Ali, it is so difficult dating out there for a divorced woman." 636 00:51:33,006 --> 00:51:37,302 "None of these men can handle me, a strong woman." 637 00:51:37,385 --> 00:51:40,722 "None of these men want a strong woman." 638 00:51:40,806 --> 00:51:43,350 I'm like, "You're an annoying woman, but…" 639 00:51:45,727 --> 00:51:49,189 I do believe that it's slim pickings out there, you know? 640 00:51:51,233 --> 00:51:54,694 And then these women, they keep telling me about their battle 641 00:51:54,778 --> 00:51:59,574 and how ugly it is, how they're fighting for full custody of their kids. 642 00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:01,076 I'm like, "Why?" 643 00:52:06,665 --> 00:52:10,794 Even half custody sounds like American Horror Story. 644 00:52:16,049 --> 00:52:18,009 I can't let go of my husband, you know? 645 00:52:18,093 --> 00:52:22,597 He's very handsome, he's very sexy, he's very much my type. 646 00:52:22,681 --> 00:52:24,391 I have a very specific type. 647 00:52:24,474 --> 00:52:29,396 I like dudes who look as close to Keanu Reeves as possible. 648 00:52:30,772 --> 00:52:31,773 Yeah. 649 00:52:33,650 --> 00:52:35,735 And that's my husband, straight up. 650 00:52:35,819 --> 00:52:38,488 He's so good-looking, he's so interesting. 651 00:52:38,572 --> 00:52:40,615 He speaks three different languages. 652 00:52:40,699 --> 00:52:44,536 He introduced me to mushrooms and ayahuasca, 653 00:52:44,619 --> 00:52:46,037 changed my life. 654 00:52:46,121 --> 00:52:48,540 So in addition to being my husband, 655 00:52:48,623 --> 00:52:50,333 he's also my drug dealer. 656 00:52:52,377 --> 00:52:55,338 I can't lose that Shaman connect, you know? 657 00:52:58,717 --> 00:53:00,802 My husband's so smart. 658 00:53:00,886 --> 00:53:02,470 He went to Carnegie Mellon, 659 00:53:02,554 --> 00:53:03,972 Harvard Business School. 660 00:53:04,055 --> 00:53:05,849 He's a Fulbright scholar. 661 00:53:05,932 --> 00:53:10,437 He was smart enough to choose me, to invest in me, 662 00:53:10,520 --> 00:53:12,647 when I was 20 pounds heavier, 663 00:53:12,731 --> 00:53:15,901 had chronic acne and no money. 664 00:53:18,153 --> 00:53:20,864 He bought low. 665 00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:36,296 And if we get divorced, he going to sell high. 666 00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:42,302 I can't let him get away with that! 667 00:53:44,054 --> 00:53:48,099 So my husband, he's all of these wonderful things, right? 668 00:53:48,683 --> 00:53:51,978 But most importantly, he gives me permission 669 00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:54,397 to be myself. 670 00:54:00,528 --> 00:54:04,616 Which perhaps, for a wild, untamable spirit, 671 00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:08,870 is the most important quality to find in a man. 672 00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:11,706 But people think it's so difficult for my husband 673 00:54:11,790 --> 00:54:17,337 to do something so simple as giving me permission to be myself. 674 00:54:17,420 --> 00:54:19,965 They always ask him, "Oh my God, 675 00:54:20,048 --> 00:54:25,262 how do you feel about your wife Ali going up on stage 676 00:54:25,345 --> 00:54:27,722 in front of all of these strangers, 677 00:54:27,806 --> 00:54:31,226 talking about how much she wants to cheat on you?" 678 00:54:37,649 --> 00:54:41,820 You know, right now while we're all here, 679 00:54:42,821 --> 00:54:47,409 my husband is at home in the house that I bought… 680 00:54:50,036 --> 00:54:54,916 telling time on the Rolex I got him for Father's Day… 681 00:55:02,048 --> 00:55:05,385 jacking off to porn that he streams 682 00:55:05,468 --> 00:55:09,306 on the high-speed internet I pay for every month. 683 00:55:17,647 --> 00:55:19,482 So, he always tells me… 684 00:55:22,277 --> 00:55:24,446 "Yeah, you go ahead, you know you…" 685 00:55:31,536 --> 00:55:36,583 He doesn't give a shit about what I say on stage 686 00:55:37,125 --> 00:55:39,461 because he's too busy 687 00:55:39,544 --> 00:55:43,089 living the life I wanted for myself. 688 00:55:53,058 --> 00:55:57,854 I'm the one leaning in while he is lying down. 689 00:56:01,566 --> 00:56:04,361 And now that I'm the clear breadwinner, 690 00:56:04,444 --> 00:56:06,863 he don't choke me like he used to. 691 00:56:09,991 --> 00:56:12,786 It's too high stakes if I die. 692 00:56:17,415 --> 00:56:20,877 I'll be like, "Harder, come on, harder!" 693 00:56:20,960 --> 00:56:24,297 And he'll be like, "But I really want a PS5." 694 00:56:26,049 --> 00:56:29,928 "It's all sold out, and the waitlists and the ports are all full." 695 00:56:37,435 --> 00:56:42,607 People like to assume that because my husband is very spiritual 696 00:56:42,690 --> 00:56:47,654 and because he's Asian American, that he's some kind of softy, 697 00:56:47,737 --> 00:56:53,535 when the truth is he got this backbone made of pure, solid steel. 698 00:56:53,618 --> 00:56:55,453 He is a motherfucker. 699 00:56:55,995 --> 00:56:58,415 And whenever we get into an argument 700 00:56:58,498 --> 00:57:00,708 and I raise my voice, 701 00:57:00,792 --> 00:57:03,336 he'll look me in the eye and say to me, 702 00:57:04,629 --> 00:57:06,881 "Oh, you don't talk to me like that." 703 00:57:08,675 --> 00:57:09,801 And then I'll be like… 704 00:57:17,892 --> 00:57:20,103 "I'mma suck your dick." 705 00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:29,654 "You put me in my place again." 706 00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:34,659 "And then you give me permission to be myself, 707 00:57:34,742 --> 00:57:37,078 and then you tell me what to do, 708 00:57:37,162 --> 00:57:39,205 and then you celebrate me." 709 00:57:39,289 --> 00:57:43,960 And that, single people, is what a healthy marriage looks like, okay? 710 00:57:44,043 --> 00:57:47,714 I've been Ali Wong, have a good night, everybody. Thank you!