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[AUDIENCE ROARS]
Yes!
Wow!
What a welcome!
How are you, Melbourne? Are you ready to go?
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
We're finally together. We've done it!
We're here, we're together,
we put it off and then we're back and we're in the same room.
It's a miracle. I appreciate it.
I started this tour last year and then it stopped
and I restarted in fuckin' Darwin.
[LAUGHTER]
That wasn't part of the plan.
Did a show in Darwin
and there it was like nothing had ever happened.
You know, they hadn't had Covid since 1975 or something.
They didn't give a fuck. They're making out in the street.
And they were really proud of it too.
They were like, "Darwin, it's the safest place on Earth."
It's the safest place on Earth.
You know who else did really well? Canberra.
I'm just saying there's an upside to being a shit hole,
you know what I mean?
It's pretty hard to get the virus
when no-one wants to fuckin' visit in the first place.
The ACT re-opened its borders.
It wasn't even on the news.
You didn't even know they were closed, did you?
But they did.
They closed ACT, re-opened it.
"We've re-opened for business."
Even people from Queanbeyan are like, "We don't give a fuck.
"We're not going back in there."
[LAUGHTER]
So, yeah, so this tour had started, beginning of last year.
I was at the Adelaide Fringe, and we were having a great time.
We were doing sold-out shows and it was amazing.
We knew something was coming but we weren't sure what.
We were like, "Oh..."
It was like we were having a party on the Titanic.
"Oh, yeah! Oh, look, an iceberg.
"I'll get some ice for me fuckin' drink," you know.
And I was one of those annoying people who downplayed it.
I'm like, "Oh, yeah, you'll get a sniffle, whatever!
"Apparently if you're older you might die
"but that's already the fuckin' case."
[LAUGHTER]
I thought we were going to lose a lot of ABC viewers.
THAT I was worried about.
[LAUGHTER]
'Cause Hard Quiz's ratings
are going to go in the fucking toilet!
[LAUGHTER]
And then it was all off and I went to Byron Bay
'cause I was lucky, I thought, "I can wait it out."
I thought, "If I'm going to do fuck all
"I'll go to where the professionals
- "of doing fuck all live." - [LAUGHTER]
I went to Byron Bay and I didn't fit in.
I was walking around dressed like this. "Hi, everyone!"
People are pointing at me in the street.
"Look at him. I think he pays tax!"
[LAUGHTER]
Throwing almond milk and shit at me.
"Get outta here!"
[LAUGHTER]
But I was happy about being in Byron Bay 'cause I thought,
"When the vaccine arrives there'll be very short queues."
[LAUGHTER]
It'd be me and the GP. No-one else.
GP will be, "One for me, one for you.
"There you go.
"We are the only two in this entire region
"that believe in science."
[LAUGHTER]
Doesn't it feel good to get together and have a laugh
and just put shit behind us?
- Does it feel good? - [AUDIENCE CHEERS]
We're lucky.
I feel optimistic. It's good.
You know, Covid - fuck it!
Trump - fuck it!
- [LAUGHTER] - The fires - fuck it!
'Cause that was full on, wasn't it?
Man, those fires!
You know who annoyed me
were the people who were pretending it was nothing new.
There was a senator who said this, in parliament,
while the fires were still burning.
He said, "Bushfires are part of ordinary Australian life.
"They've got nothing to do with climate change.
"We had major bushfires in 1939, 1968, 1983, 1994, 1999,
"2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004.
"It's the arsonists you've got to worry about.
"2007, 2008.
"Hazard reduction's the problem.
"2009."
"What conclusion did you fucking draw, mate?"
You can't pick and choose your science.
You can't pick and choose.
Like, if you're getting a heart transplant,
you'd never say to the doctor, "Oh, look, before you start,
"I was reading in the Herald Sun the other day
"that it's better that instead of using a heart
"you replace it with a fucking avocado."
[LAUGHTER]
"That's what it said in the newspaper.
"Then I turned the page
"and there was a full-page ad for avocados."
[LAUGHTER]
"I don't know if these two things are related."
And I got sick of thirsty koalas, I'll be honest.
No, I'd had enough of their shit. Every night.
Every night, another one crawls out of the bushes, you know.
Well, that's how dumb the media think we are.
Like the only way we can understand
the scale of the tragedy is if we see a singed marsupial.
We're like, "Oh, now I understand."
Like where are the thirsty goannas?
No-one gave a shit about them.
I wanted to see a goanna on the front page of the Herald Sun
in the arms of a firefighter, cradling it.
He's pouring Gatorade down its throat.
It's got shit rotting in its mouth, it's like... [GURGLES]
Tail flappin' around.
"Come on, you cold-blooded bastard.
"You're supposed to be a symbol of resilience!"
[LAUGHTER]
Do you know what koalas sound like?
They sound like this. [CROAKS]
They're not good.
There's a reason we don't hear them in tourism campaigns.
We only see them.
Do you think tourists would still visit Australia
when we reopen the borders
if they knew koalas sounded like that? [CROAKS]
Like, imagine the borders reopen.
We get Chinese tourists, we take them straight to the zoo.
"Check this out! Come on." Koalas are there. [CROAKS]
Got chlamydia and shit in their eyes. [CROAKS]
The tourists would set fire to them themselves.
[MAKES SOUND OF A FIRE] There we go.
[MAKES SOUND OF A FIRE] It's gotta go.
So that's how this tour started.
There was smoke still hanging in the air.
I was doing some shows at Brunswick Heads
on the far north coast of New South Wales
and we decided with those shows
all profits raised would go to the firefighters.
We raised $10,000, which we were very proud of.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS] - Thank you.
And then Celeste Barber raised $50 million.
Fuck you, Celeste Barber, making the rest of us look bad!
It's too much money.
Next time there's a fire,
firefighters will be turning up in Lamborghinis and Ferraris.
"Come on, let's put out the fire.
"Should we use still or sparkling?"
[LAUGHTER]
"Load up the San Pellegrino, boys. Come on.
"This one's a fizzer!"
And every comedian I know, every comedian I know,
was doing charity gig after charity gig, after charity gig,
after charity gig, to raise money for the firefighters.
And then what happened? The pandemic hit.
No gigs for seven months.
No gigs anywhere.
And did one fuckin' firefighter
lift their finger to help the comedians?
No! Not fucking one!
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
[PEOPLE CHEER]
So all money raised tonight will be going to fuckin' me!
[LAUGHTER]
It's a very honest transaction this evening.
Man, thanks so much for coming out to this show.
It's such a treat. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
It's great to see you all here. Thank you.
You've forgotten how to clap. You don't know what to do.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND WHISTLES]
You've been home alone too long.
You know, like, just walking around going, "What's that?"
[LAUGHTER]
"What's that?"
Where was the last place you went overseas?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hobart.
Hobart? I mean...
[LAUGHTER]
Where was the last place you went?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: South Africa. TOM: South Africa.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: U.S. TOM: U.S. All right.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Japan. - Japan. These are great places.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: New Zealand. - Yeah, OK, New Zealand.
- Not bad. - [LAUGHTER]
I went to Singapore. That's the last place I went.
It's nice but I didn't know the circumstances
under which I made that decision.
Like if someone said to me,
"You don't get to go overseas for five years.
"Where would you like to go?"
I wouldn't have gone, "Singapore, please!"
[LAUGHTER]
I only went there because I was sick of going to Bali.
Every time I go to Bali I shit myself
and I thought, "I'm not doing that again."
I'm actually going to learn a lesson this time.
'Cause every time I go to Bali I shit myself and no-one cares.
Everyone's like, "It's Bali belly. What can you do?
"It's just a bit of Bali belly."
Like if there is a disease named after your destination,
- don't go there. - [LAUGHTER]
Like you wouldn't go to Ebola Island, would you?
You'd give that a go?
You wouldn't go on a coronavirus cruise.
When else would you spend $10,000
and just accept shitting yourself
as part of the transaction?
Can you name any other purchase
where that would sound reasonable?
Like you buy a motorbike. Top of the range.
You're like, "It's a great motorbike
"but every time I ride it I shit myself.
"But it's just a bit of Yamaha belly.
"What can you do?" you know.
"I have a bit of a Honda honk, bit of a Suzuki spew."
[LAUGHTER]
So I go to Singapore with my family
and we go to a resort, stay at a resort,
and on the first day we want to leave our children at Kids' Club
and when you first leave your children at Kids' Club,
you're a bit, you know, you're a bit worried.
Like if you don't have children it's how you would feel
if you had to leave your phone unattended in a public area.
[LAUGHTER]
It's heart-in-the-mouth stuff, you know.
Imagine that. You've got your phone, you put it on the shelf,
you're like, "Oh, no.
"Is it gonna be OK?
"I hope no-one fiddles with it."
[LAUGHTER]
So we leave our children at Kids' Club
and my wife and I go to the beach
and it's just her and I for the first time, just the two of us.
Like at the beach, with no kids.
And we're trying to enjoy ourselves and relax
but I couldn't because the whole time we were lying there
there was a guy on his own with a Bluetooth speaker.
On his own! He's got a little speaker.
[MAKES DOOF-DOOF SOUNDS]
Like he's appointed himself the DJ of the fucking beach.
Like apparently, the sound of waves
gently crashing against the shore's not good enough for him.
[MAKES DOOF-DOOF SOUNDS] And it was really annoying me.
I'm like, he's just imposing his taste on everyone else.
It's like when you see a teenager at the shops,
with a speaker on their backpack,
and they're like... [DOOF-DOOF SOUNDS]
"It's a cool band. They're in the Hottest 100.
"They're called the Cardigan Arseholes.
"You'll really like them." I don't care, buddy.
Like you're just imposing your taste on other people.
It'd be like me walking down the street with a curry
and just spooning it into other people's mouths.
"Oh, there you go. Look at the curry.
"It tastes good, doesn't it? Open your gob! There you go.
"It's good, isn't it, yeah.
"Aren't I cool for finding that and putting that in your gob?"
And I was getting really worked up
and I was saying to my wife, "He's not even a fan of music
"'cause if he was he'd have headphones on."
You know what headphones are?
Two of those speakers up against his fucking ears!
And the only way my wife could get me to calm down
was to make me put on my noise-cancelling headphones
and I had to listen to an app playing the sound of waves
gently crashing against the shore.
[LAUGHTER]
[MAKES SOUND OF WAVES CRASHING]
So I go back to Kids' Club
and no-one told me that the activity that day
was building weapons.
[AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS]
They were building weapons out of wood.
Like my boy, he's now six,
he built like a sword, like a long sword.
He's like, "Look, Dad, I'm a pirate."
My daughter, she's nine,
she'd built a fully functioning crossbow.
[LAUGHTER]
She jacked it back, fired at my head, arrow just missed me,
and I shat myself, which was very disappointing.
[LAUGHTER]
The only reason I was in Singapore
was to avoid that one activity.
I'd paid good money to avoid that.
And the kids are like,
"Dad, these are the best toys we've ever had.
"We can't wait to take them back to Australia."
And I thought, "Fuck it! You know what?
"I'm up for a challenge. I've seen Border Security.
"I know how it works.
"You bury this shit deep in your luggage,
"you lie on the form and it works out every fucking time."
So I get to Customs, I put the bag down,
and the woman working there, she looks at me and she's like,
"Do I know you from somewhere?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm on the ABC.
"I host a TV show called Hard Quiz."
And she's like, "I love that show."
[LAUGHTER]
And I was like, "Thank you."
And she goes, "Do you have anything in your bag
"you'd like to declare?"
- And I was like, "Yeah." - [LAUGHTER]
"I've got some wooden weapons from Asia."
She goes, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
"Oh, off you go."
[LAUGHTER]
"You're such a smartarse.
"I never know when to take you seriously.
"Off you go. Have a good day."
And I'm getting cocky now.
I'm going to bring in heroin next time.
[LAUGHTER]
I'll strap myself up. I'll be ready to go.
They'll be like, "Oh, Tom, have you put on a bit of weight?"
I'll be like, "No, I've got 10kg of heroin
"strapped to my waist."
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Off you go. Good on ya.
"Good on you, you smart-arse.
"Good on you, you drug-trafficking scallywag."
So, yeah, I had a bit of spare time.
More than I planned.
And my wife said, "You should get a hobby."
She was like, "You should get a hobby."
But my problem is this used to be my hobby
and then it became like this
and, um, I don't really remember when it changed.
It was just, "Hey, do a bit of comedy. That'd be fun,"
and then here we are.
I don't really remember when it changed over.
Like... Like I've been doing it for 25 years.
Like 25 years ago I was doing pharmacy, right?
I was doing pharmacy at Sydney University
and I was in the lab, OK, and we were making drugs.
[LAUGHTER]
We used to call it "cooking class".
[LAUGHTER]
We were making suppositories, in particular.
And me mate, he was like putting all the medication in the mould.
He just flattened it all down and he looked up at me
and he said, "This is the most fun part of the course."
And I was like, "Fuck it! I'm out of here. See you, mate."
If that's as good as it gets
that is not exciting enough for me.
And I left and I started doing stand-up comedy
25 years ago.
And this is how my career's gone.
I sort of like... I started here.
I was pretty good when I started and then this is how it went,
I started and then I just sort of improved,
just very slowly, nothing too exciting.
If you've seen me over the years you'll know it's true.
[LAUGHTER]
"This show is slightly better than last year."
That's how it goes.
Then I got the Gold Logie and then it went like that.
[LAUGHTER]
That's where I am now, here with you.
[LAUGHTER]
And you know what I've got to show for it after 25 years?
I've got, like, a house in Romsey in the country,
an hour out of town.
I've got a wife, two kids, couple of chooks, two Volvos.
I've got the lifestyle of a fucking pharmacist.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
It's taken me 25 years
to get to where I would've been anyway.
I even look like a pharmacist. [LAUGHTER]
You can imagine me in the shop giving out reasonable advice.
Just standing up the back going, "Oh, yeah, with the antibiotics,
"even if you feel better you have to finish the course, OK?
"Yeah, even if you feel better,
"yeah, you gotta finish the course.
"I've got to go back to making some suppositories,
"which is the most fun part of my day."
[LAUGHTER]
So my wife's like, "You gotta get a hobby.
"It'll be good for your mental health.
"You've got to get a hobby.
"It'll be good for your mental health."
We overuse that phrase a bit, don't we?
It loses its meaning if you use it too flippantly.
Like some... Some people would be like,
"I walked to work today. It's good for my mental health."
No, you just got a bit of fresh air.
You're still fucked in the head.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
You need to be assessed. You need some heavy medication.
It's gonna...
It's gonna take more than a fuckin' stroll, mate.
So my wife's like, "You gotta get a hobby.
"What did you used to like doing for fun?
"Like if you cast your mind way back.
"Way back before you started this
"what did you used to like doing for fun?"
And I'm like, "I used to like riding motorbikes."
And she's like, "Think of another hobby, OK?"
But I'm like, "No, that's perfect,"
so I got a dirt bike, right?
But the problem I've got is
I learned how to ride a motorbike when I was six
so I can't remember not knowing how to ride a motorbike.
For me, riding a motorbike is like walking down the street.
It's second nature to me.
But my wife has never ridden a motorbike
so every time I ride my motorbike
she thinks I'm going to kill myself,
which is ironic because I'm doing it for my mental health.
She lays it on thick too.
She'll be on the back deck with the kids, going,
"Don't forget the children love you."
[LAUGHTER]
"Be careful out there. You're a father."
But I've found when I ride the motorbike
the more I wind her up, the more relaxed I feel.
[LAUGHTER]
Stressing her out is my new Zen.
So I'm like... [MAKES REVVING SOUND]...
I don't even have a helmet on today. [SOUND OF ENGINE]
I'm taking up smoking. Fuck it!
[INHALES AND MAKES SOUND OF ENGINE]
I've got thongs on. [SOUND OF ENGINE]
Hope there are no high-tension wires
tied across the bush track.
I'd hate to lose my head.
It'd be terrible for my mental health.
I set fire to my recycling. That was good.
It's one of the good things about living in the country
is you're allowed to just burn shit in your paddock.
It's great. You're missing out. It's like a wonderful thing.
Like what... OK, what happened, what happened was,
my wife, she really enjoys the convenience of online shopping
so I get to enjoy the inconvenience
of trying to fit all the boxes that everything arrives in
into the recycling bin but I can't keep up
so I thought, "I've gotta torch all this shit and start again."
So I got all the cardboard and just piled it up in a big pile
and... plus my kids had a lot of sub-par flammable artwork
that had to fucking go.
Threw it all on, whoosh, went up in flames
and all my neighbours came out of the woodwork.
They're like, "Can we throw some shit on too?"
I'm like, "Yeah, throw it on."
Life in a country town. People just turn up in a car.
"Have you got a fire there?" "Yeah."
"Good one, mate." [IMITATES CAR DRIVING OFF]
[LAUGHTER]
One of the locals turned up
and he had like a big washing-machine box,
flattened out, massive,
and it was just covered in blood.
[LAUGHTER]
It had blood splattered all over it
and he's like, "Oh, don't worry about that.
"That's just a bit of kangaroo blood
"'cause I chopped up a bit of roadkill for me dogs."
[LAUGHTER]
And I presumed he was telling the truth.
No questions asked from me. "No worries, mate."
Whoosh, straight on the fire. He could have been Ivan Milat.
I'm like, "Yeah, no worries mate." [WHOOSH]
"Oh, you got some German passports?
"Yeah, no worries, mate." [WHOOSH]
- [LAUGHTER] - "Just happy to help out."
But I like the fact he lives in my town
'cause he makes housing affordable.
[LAUGHTER]
You need him in the city
to sort of bring the property market under control.
Imagine having him in North Fitzroy.
That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
You walk out of your $2 million single-storey terrace,
you're putting the bins out, and he's like,
"Oh, I chopped up a bit of roadkill for me dog."
[LAUGHTER]
You'd be like, "Oh, to be fair it's organic, so..."
[LAUGHTER]
"Just pop it in the green bin. It counts as food scraps."
Food scraps!
Did a lot of drinking during the day.
Well, I had nothing on.
I had no responsibilities...
[MUFFLED] ..apart from my family.
But other than that...
And it was tricky, you know.
I mean, I'll be honest with you,
some days I only had two thoughts in my head,
and my brain would just bounce between two thoughts all day,
and they were, "I've got to drink less, I'm getting a gut."
The other thought was, "I don't have a gut.
"Should have a drink." That's it.
That's all I would think all day.
"Gotta drink less, I'm getting a gut.
"I don't have a gut. Should have a drink."
You know what I'd do? Have a drink.
[LAUGHTER]
Because you never drink the right amount, do you?
You drink seven, you wish you'd had six.
You drink five, you wish you'd had four.
You drink three, you wish you'd had two.
You drink one...
You never have fuckin' one!
[LAUGHTER]
You never have the right amount, do you?
No-one ever says, "I drank the perfect amount last night."
[LAUGHTER]
I had a drink and I was feeling a bit excited
so I had another one
and then I thought, "That's enough of that."
[LAUGHTER]
Went home, had a glass of water, went to bed by nine o'clock,
woke up with no regrets
'cause I had the perfect amount to drink.
You know what my wife and I always do?
We're always like, "That's it.
"We're not drinking on weeknights anymore.
"Nah. No. We're serious this time.
"We're not drinking on weeknights anymore
"'cause we're in our forties and we have to look after ourselves.
"OK? We've got young kids.
"We're not drinking on weeknights anymore."
Monday, nothing. Tuesday, nothing.
Wednesday, couple of glasses of red.
Thursday, we are off our nuts
and blazing our way to the weekend!
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
"Oh, you can't drink in front of your kids."
"Well, we only drink after they've gone to bed
"at three in the afternoon, like they're fucking told!"
"You can't drink in front of your kids."
"Well, how else are they going to fuckin' learn?"
I started drinking Heineken Zeros.
That's how serious it got.
Yeah. Desperate times.
[LAUGHTER]
I like Heineken Zero
'cause it tastes the same as regular Heineken,
plus the bottles look the same
so you can just drink Heineken Zero at a party all night,
- walk around, collect secrets. - [LAUGHTER]
"I have no idea how I'll remember this tomorrow."
[LAUGHTER]
You can get a six-pack of Heineken Zero
and go for a drive, drink them while you're driving.
Oh! Like it's the '70s. Perfectly legal.
It's not a good look but you're allowed to.
You just drive around, pssht, blaaah.
You just drive around looking for the police.
You find the RBT and you're happy. Ho, ho!
They wave you through and you're like, "Oh, fuck it!"
Drive round the block, come back. "Hey, you missed me.
"I've been drinking all this shit.
"Do you want me to blow into there? All right.
"What's it say? Zero? Thank God, because I've drunk all of this
"and I've got to get home. I'm about to wet myself."
[LAUGHTER]
I don't like lollies, right.
And it really annoys people.
Everyone's got something about them that annoys other people.
That's mine.
I don't like lollies and people can't accept it.
Like I'll be at work and it'll be about three in the afternoon.
A woman comes round with a bowl of lollies
and she'll be like, "Would you like a lolly?"
And I'm like, "No."
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm sure."
"Are you being good?"
[LAUGHTER]
"Are you being good? You're better than me."
"No, no, no, I'm being an adult. I'm 46. I've got over it.
"If you had an eye-fillet steak I would rip into that
"or a tray of ice-cold beer, that'd be a treat,
"but at this point a lolly snake is not going to fuckin' cut it."
I mean, I used to like lollies when I was a child.
Like one of my favourite childhood memories
was when my brothers and sisters and I,
we would go down to the shops on our beach holiday every day
and get 20 cents' worth of mixed lollies.
Yeah, we'd go down the shop...
..two brothers, two sisters, all five of us.
We'd have our 20-cent coin.
You'd walk in and there'd be the big cabinet there
and you'd be like, "I'll have a jelly baby
"and a freckle and a milk bottle
- "and a mint leaf..." - [LAUGHTER]
"..and a..."
AUDIENCE MEMBER: A banana. "..a banana
"and, ah..."
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Teeth. - "..teeth."
[LAUGHTER]
"And a...and a mate, and a..."
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Strawberries and cream.
Oh, "Strawberries and cream." Oh, "Pineapple. And a jube.
"And a clinker and a packet of fags..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
[APPLAUSE]
And the person working there would pretend to find
this extremely time-consuming, low-profit transaction cute.
They're like, "Oh, yes, take your time.
"No, I like it down here. It's great.
"I can't wait for you to hand me that 20-cent piece.
"It'll make it all worth it.
"My arthritic knees thank you. They really do."
Can you imagine when payWave was invented?
It would have been the best day of their lives.
Beep! "Get the fuck out of my shop."
And that was my favourite childhood memory
until my mother told me that while we were at the shops,
that's when my mum and dad would root.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS]
And it's ruined the whole thing.
[LAUGHTER]
Now I have to go back through the story and reimagine it.
I can picture my parents saying to us,
"You can go to the shops every day."
[LAUGHTER]
"Take as long as you like. Don't rush back."
I'd get back, Dad would be asleep. [SNORES].
My mother would look a bit sweaty
and she'd have pink cheeks like she'd been to the gym,
which was weird because in the olden days
no-one went to the gym.
And this was after the Beaumont children went missing.
After!
[LAUGHTER]
The Beaumont children had made headlines around the country
and after that they're like,
"We'll send them to the shops on their own."
That's how much they liked rooting.
"We'll send them down, five will go down, two will come back.
"We'll replace them while they're gone."
[LAUGHTER]
That's why I don't like lollies.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
When I'm driving I like speeding and I do it all the time
and I never get caught and I recommend it.
I want to do an ad for the government.
It's going to be called, "The Get On With It Campaign."
Well, it's one of the joys of working at night.
I've found that if you drive home
after the police have gone to bed
you can drive as fast as you like.
And it has its upsides.
You never fall asleep at the wheel.
I'm not a drowsy driver. You know why?
- It's too exciting. - [LAUGHTER]
At that speed, shit comes up on you quick.
You get home and you can't get to sleep for hours.
Your heart's racing... Brrrr.
What happens if you hit a kangaroo?
They explode more quickly. [MAKES EXPLODING SOUND]
Sometimes I get out the back of the airport
and I'm just driving through nothing but red mist.
Phht, phht, phht, phht, phht.
Wonk, wonk, wonk, wonk. Phht, phht, phht, phht.
I love it when the police put up the sign that says,
"Police Are Now Targeting Seatbelts."
When they put that up they're not there.
They put that up when they're hungover.
They're like, "Oh. Can't be fucked. Seatbelts."
Like if it had, "Police Are Now Targeting Organised Crime,"
you'd be like, "Well, they'll be busy."
If it had "Police Are Now Targeting
"Tax Avoidance By Multi-nationals,"
you're like, "Their work will never be done."
But seatbelts, they're not there.
We all wear seatbelts now.
We've all been wearing them for what, 20 years now.
Like, all of us. You'll see a car on the road,
every panel's a different colour,
there'll be chooks jumping around on the back seat,
muffler will be dragging on the road, crrrrrrr.
The guy driver will have no shirt on,
cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth.
Seatbelt on! Even him.
[LAUGHTER]
I drive a Volvo.
Can you imagine how committed to not wearing a seatbelt
I would have to be?
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
The nanny state can go fuck itself.
[BEEPS FASTER] Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
Do you really think the police are in their highway patrol
by the side of the highway
double-checking that everybody's got their seatbelt on?
They're just sitting there. "They've got their seatbelt on.
"They've got their seatbelt on too. So do they.
"They've got it on. They've got it on too.
"Write it down, mate. They've got it on. They've got it on.
"They've got it on, got it on, got it on.
"Write it down in the seatbelt book.
"Got it on, got it on, got it on, got it on,
"they've got it on, got it on, got it on, got it on, got it on,
"got it on, got it on, got it on, got it on, got it on,
"got it on, got it on, got it on, got it on,
"got it on, got it on, got it on."
- [APPLAUSE] - "Got it on, got it on.
"Got it on, got it on, got it on, got it on.
"Oh, hang on! No, it's a bus. Don't worry about it."
- [LAUGHTER] - "Put that in the bus book."
I have got caught speeding once.
Yeah, once I was, ah...
I don't drive fast in built-up areas.
I'm not a maniac.
Just once I get past the airport.
Like the last bit of the drive to my house
is like 30km of straight road
and it was one in the morning, no-one's out.
I was going 120 in a 100 zone.
Pew! Just took off.
And I look in the rear-view mirror and I could see a siren.
It's like... woop! I'm like, "Oh, bullshit!"
[LAUGHTER]
I stop, wind down my window, bzshz.
Policeman's there.
"Why were you travelling so fast?"
So I said, "Because I thought you weren't here."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
And he goes, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
"Off you go. Good on you, mate."
[LAUGHTER]
"Good on you, you smart-arse!
"Never know when to take you seriously."
I don't know if you've been to my shows before
or if you've watched any of my specials
but I always invite the audience to tell me
what they didn't think was true.
This show is 89% true, 11% lies,
so if there's anything you thought was bullshit
just yell it out and I'll correct the record.
Just anything. Just yell it out.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: The lollies. - The lollies?
People struggle with the lollies.
People bail me up after the show.
"Oh, what about a red frog? Come on."
- Like it's... - [LAUGHTER]
No, the lolly story is one of those stories
that unfortunately is 100% true.
Like you get to enjoy it as entertainment
and just walk out of here and go, "That was funny."
But I have to walk around with it in my head
knowing that it was true.
Like my mother now calls having sex, "getting a lolly".
- Like, it's bad. - [LAUGHTER]
Like you can't leave dinner early anymore at a restaurant.
Like all our family, we'll be out at a restaurant,
all my brothers and sisters and various partners.
You'll go, "Oh, we might leave early."
"Oh, you're getting a lolly are you?"
[LAUGHTER]
"No, we'll stay for dessert."
That's true. Anything else?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No beaches in Singapore.
You don't believe that there are beaches in Singapore?
[LAUGHTER]
Well, strictly speaking it was on an island of Indonesia
that's just over the border
but I didn't want to get bogged down
in the geography of the area.
It's called Nikoi Island and you go across to Bintan Island
and Bintan is part of Indonesia, not part of Singapore.
You have to pass through Customs to get to the island
and then pass through Customs on the way back.
Can you see why I didn't include it in the show now?
[LAUGHTER]
I'm boring myself.
[APPLAUSE]
So well spotted. It was an island of Indonesia.
But I didn't want to undo my observations about Bali.
Everyone's going "Oh, but Bali's part of Indonesia too
"so actually you just went back to Indonesia."
I'll go, "Yeah, get fucked. I don't really want to get..."
I don't want to attach a GPS to this story.
So, yeah, that was bullshit. Anything else?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Speeding in a Volvo.
What?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Speeding in a Volvo.
You don't believe that I sped in a Volvo.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
You've got to update your thinking. Volvos are fast.
I know, I get it, like, Volvos, ha, ha, Volvo.
You wear a cap when you drive.
I get it but that's all out of date.
Like a Volvo, a Volvo won Bathurst.
[AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT INAUDIBLY]
I know. People are like, "What? Get fucked!"
A Volvo won Bathurst.
It beat Ford and Holden and the company still exists.
[LAUGHTER]
Wow! You can buy new Volvos.
You can't buy a new fucking Commodore, can ya?
Got to let go of that.
The Ford versus Holden battle is over. It's finished.
"Oh, Ford. Fuckin' Holden. Ford. Get fucked. Ford.
You know eventually it's gonna be Tesla versus Prius.
That's it.
Everyone will be trackside at Bathurst.
[MAKES VERY QUIET CAR-ZOOMING SOUND]
[LAUGHTER]
[MAKES SAME QUIET SOUND]
Mount Panorama was conquered by a chargeable forklift this year.
I just love the atmosphere.
I just love the smell of a battery charging.
[SNIFFS DEEPLY] Ah!
Anything else? MAN: Blood on the box.
Blood on the box?
Again, that's one of those stories I have to carry with me
and you get to discard.
Like I had to go to bed that night,
knowing that he was still somewhere in my town.
And I don't know about you but when someone says,
"Chopped up a bit of roadkill for me dogs,"
that phrase gets trapped in my head for weeks
and I can't get it out, I become obsessed by it.
That night I was trying to go to bed.
I was like, "Chopped up a bit of roadkill for me dogs.
"Chopped up a bit of roadkill for me dogs.
"Chopped up a bit of roadkill for me dogs."
Then my wife's in the shower, I pull back the curtain...
"Chopped up a bit of roadkill for me dogs."
I teach the children how to say it.
Like we're in the Volvo driving very fast.
[LAUGHTER]
"Have you got something to say to your mother, kids?"
"Yeah, chopped up a bit of roadkill for me dogs, Dad."
But you know what the worst part is?
I've never seen him with his dog. Never!
[LAUGHTER]
Just walking around on a sunny day.
"It's a good day to walk your dog, isn't it?"
"No, not today."
"Didn't you used to have a family?"
"Nah."
So, yeah, that was true. Anything else?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Heineken Zero.
Heineken Zero. You're like, "Oh, that's fucking bullshit."
- [LAUGHTER] - It was only a couple of days.
I just needed something to get me to midday.
- [LAUGHTER] - Something for the cornflakes.
What did you say down here?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: A fully functional crossbow.
No, it's true. She didn't make it herself.
She had help from the people who were running the Kids' Club.
Um, but it definitely happened.
But I didn't shit myself when she shot an arrow at me.
That was just a confection.
I thought it'd be ironic,
given I was avoiding that in Bali and then I go to Singapore,
she fires an arrow at me, I shit myself.
Plus I'm 46. It wouldn't happen that quick.
[LAUGHTER]
She'd be like, pew, and I'd be like,
"I'm going to shit myself in the next ten to fifteen minutes."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Actually, fire another arrow. I could be here for a while.
Might just scroll through Instagram for a bit.
I've been eating too much bread.
Anything else?
- [AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT] - What?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wife and two kids.
- You don't believe... - [LAUGHTER]
You don't believe that I have a wife and two kids?
[APPLAUSE]
Wouldn't it be weirder if I invented all that?
If I was just a single man living in a flat.
Like I'm living in a flat in South Melbourne just thinking,
"I wonder what it would be like to have a wife and two kids?
"If I had a wife and two kids I would take them to Singapore."
[LAUGHTER]
No, I do. That's true, unfortunately.
Anything else you didn't believe?
[LAUGHTER]
[AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT INAUDIBLY]
- Sorry? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Customs.
No, that happened and this is how dumb I am.
I went to Customs and she went, "Ha, ha, off you go."
But I'm so dumb I was going to go,
"No, no, I really do have wooden weapons from Asia,"
but then a split second later I remembered
that that would take ages so I went, "Thank you" and left.
What was the other one?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Roadkill on windscreen.
The roadkill on the windscreen.
I've actually never hit a kangaroo.
That was just... I'm just imagining it.
I've never... I don't know how it's never happened
but it has never happened.
You're right. That was bullshit.
I don't drive home through red mist every evening.
[LAUGHTER]
That would be pretty weird. Imagine that.
I've got the windows down.
Every time I get home, "Hi, I did a gig last night, love."
Just covered in blood.
"I left me windows down and all the red mist
"got in through the side windows in my Volvo
"which is very fast."
Anything else you didn't believe?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Being a pharmacist.
Are you a pharmacist?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No. - Oh.
All right, well, this will prove to you that I'm a pharmacist.
Um, when we were making the suppositories...
Are there any pharmacists here? Yeah, over here.
Well, you can confirm it.
Oh, my God, you look just like me.
It's like...
It's like a sliding-doors moment.
I ended up here and you ended up depressed, down there.
Following your dreams. You!
You can confirm this.
When I was making the suppositories,
you put them in a mould.
Firstly, they're conical in shape, for obvious reasons.
It'd be pretty mean
if you packed all the medication into a big cube, wouldn't it?
There you go. You're going to have to take a run at it.
[LAUGHTER]
Arse first. Take a run.
But one of the key ingredients is cocoa butter. Yeah?
'Cause coca butter's found in chocolate
and cocoa butter melts at body temperature,
so for obvious reasons you need it to melt at body temperature.
Yeah, it's also in chocolate
so if you've ever wanted to have a chocolate
but you didn't want to...eat it...
[LAUGHTER]
I'm just saying you could get your Lindt ball and just...
Ahhh.
[LAUGHTER]
Let it slowly release.
I shouldn't do that at work.
"Oh, do you want a lolly?" "No, I've got a Lindt ball."
[LAUGHTER]
I don't like lollies but I want an afternoon sugar rush
and I don't want to have to brush my teeth, OK, so...
Anything else?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You're a comedian.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! - Whoa. Slow down.
We've got plenty of time.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm happy to take all comers.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You said that you were a comedian.
Oh, you thought it wasn't true that I was a comedian. OK.
And everyone went, "Oooh!" For good reason.
[LAUGHTER]
Well, I mean, I'm not, like...
All evidence points to the contrary to what you're saying.
You're literally sitting in a theatre of my comedy show,
having bought the ticket to watch it, so...
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Anything else you didn't believe?
[AUDIENCE MEMBER SPEAKS INAUDIBLY]
The police, that they stopped me.
No, the police, that all absolutely happened.
Um, he fined me, though. He didn't let me off. Yeah.
So what actually happened was, he said,
"Why were you travelling so fast?"
and I said, "Because I thought you weren't here,"
and he went, "Ha, ha, ha, ha. Good one, mate.
"I haven't heard that one before
"but I still have to write you a fine."
And he wrote me a fine. But I didn't care.
I was happy to pay because I'd made him laugh, I'm a comedian.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING AND WHISTLING]
That's how good I am, mate.
Like this is a sold out Saturday night crowd. It's easy.
You're an easy laugh.
A policeman on the side of the road at one in the morning?
Like he's... He's a tough crowd and he laughed.
But this is the part that, like, for me I was like...
I was more than happy to pay. I'm an artist.
And he said, "I haven't heard that before."
I'm original!
[APPLAUSE]
I was like, you know what?
I'm going to speed down the road, he'll pull me over again,
and let's see what else I come up with, let's start riffing.
We can become a writing partnership.
Anything else you didn't believe?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Did you go to Byron Bay?
I did go to Byron Bay. What was that?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: That there'll be a vaccine in Byron.
That there'll be a vaccine in Byron at all.
- That's a good point. - [LAUGHTER]
They'll probably just inject me with Pete Evans' thoughts.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Anything else you didn't believe?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: That you won the Gold Logie.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! - Oooh!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Shut up! - [LAUGHTER]
[AUDIENCE CHEERS WILDLY]
[CELESTIAL MUSIC]
I thought you'd never bring it up.
[LAUGHTER]
How funny was it when they all cracked the shits?
They got really upset 'cause I took their toy.
I was a story on A Current Affair.
That's... That's weird.
It's a hard emotion to describe to you.
You're watching the TV, it's like Dodgy Tradie, Dole Bludger,
me!
Tracy Grimshaw said that she found my speech graceless.
She said my speech lacked grace. Have you seen A Current Affair?
[LAUGHTER]
Have you ever heard anyone say,
"I saw a very graceful episode of A Current Affair last night.
"It was shot in black and white. It was wonderful.
"It was done in the French style"?
They actually had a poll
on the official A Current Affair Facebook page
and it asked the question,
"Tom Gleeson, is he a hero or is he a villain?"
And their own viewers voted that I was a fucking hero!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
Their own viewers!
62%!
That's same-sex marriage territory!
In a democracy they call that a thumping majority, Trace!
So you should try getting in touch with your audience.
You never know, you might win a fucking award!
[LAUGHTER]
Then everyone was worried about Amanda.
"What about Amanda Keller?
"No, no, what about Amanda?
"What about Amanda?
It was her year.
"It was her year.
"What about Amanda?
"She's Australia's favourite."
Yeah, just a little less fucking favourite than me.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
It's a vote. I'm sorry, I won.
What was I supposed to do? Try to come second? No!
[SINGS] Look at the scoreboard.
Look at the scoreboard.
Then Kerri-Anne Kennerley cracked the shits.
Oh, yeah, she was on Studio 10,
you know, the morning show on Channel 10,
and she cracked the shits.
She had an absolute KAK attack.
She was annoyed because I didn't go on Studio 10
but I didn't go on Studio 10
'cause I like performing to an audience.
[LAUGHTER]
Like, going on Studio 10
is like yelling your opinions into an empty shoebox.
It's pointless behaviour.
Like if a tree falls in the forest
and no-one's there to hear it fall, you're on Studio 10.
But on the morning after, I was getting a FaceTime call
from Kerri-Anne Kennerley.
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doot. Doo, doo, doo, doot.
It said "Kerri-Anne."
Like that's when you're like some- Wow! Wow!
Like when you get a FaceTime call from anyone, it's not good.
It's going, doo, doo, doo, doo, doot, and it says "Mum."
You're like, "How the fuck did you work out how to do that?"
[LAUGHTER]
"Now I've got to tidy up the hotel room."
But it said "Kerri-Anne". Doo, doo, doot, doo, doo, doot.
And I knew if I touched that green dot I'd be on air.
So I was walking around it like it was a bomb.
I didn't want to set it off.
I was worried if I tripped over I'd be like, boink,
and I'd be straight on air.
But I was so tempted to sit on the shitter.
- [LAUGHTER] - Like, how good would that be
if I just downed trousers and then took the call?
"Hello, Kerri-Anne, how are you?
"I believe you wanted to talk to me
"about disrespecting the Gold Logie?
"Just a sec, I need to wipe my arse,"
and then I just tilt the camera
and reveal that there's a toilet roll sitting on the Gold Logie.
"I'll be with you in a sec, love."
Imagine if I won the Gold Logie again.
It would do their fucking heads in.
And if I did, I wouldn't even turn up.
[LAUGHTER]
I'll send someone else to pick up the award for me
and I know the perfect person to do it.
He'll get on stage, pick up the award,
he'll walk up to the microphone and say,
"Chopped up a bit of roadkill for me dog."
- [LAUGHTER] - Thank you, Melbourne.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
I've missed you. It's so good to see you again.
Thank you.