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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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["Shine" playing]
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[audience cheering]
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[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Theo Von.
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[cheering, applause]
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♪ I'll sit and tell you my stories ♪
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♪ Shine on me ♪
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♪ And I will find a song ♪
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What's up, Nashville!
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Dang gang, baby,
good to see you guys tonight.
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[cheering]
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Good to be here, man.
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I brought this gender-neutral haircut,
you know that.
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[cheering continues]
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Don't even come at me
with that equality shit.
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You don't know what gender I am.
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Might be the toughest lesbian
you've ever seen, boy!
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Bitch, I'm Margaret.
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[some] Ball is life.
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I look like shit, dude. Uh...
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Yeah, you thought I didn't know, huh?
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And I do know.
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I look like shit, man.
I realized the other day
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I look like somebody
who might have matches on them.
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[laughter]
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Am I inbred?
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You ever meet that dude?
He is just taking his arm for a walk?
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This is that equality cut.
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Most equal haircut you can get.
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Everybody hates this haircut.
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If you have too much going on
in your life,
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sprout this bad patch right here.
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Watch your calendar open up, huh?
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'Cause nobody expects anything
out of you with this haircut.
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You can get out of anything, man.
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Somebody's like
"A baby just fell in a well!"
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You're like "Uh...?"
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"I'm just waiting for a hot dog."
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"A baby what?"
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"A baby cat?"
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Nobody expects anything
out of you with this cut.
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Work? Nope.
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Work is for others.
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My buddy has a job. He has a haircut.
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And he's always complaining, man.
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He's like "Man, my boss
keeps giving me all of this work."
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I'm like, "'Cause you look
like you can do it, Randall.
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'Cause you look like you could do it!
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You need to sprout a batch
of this reverse psychology, bucko."
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Somebody sees you with this haircut
at work, they're just like...
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[exhales]
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"See you at lunch, buddy."
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And they can't fire me
'cause I might be a woman.
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[laughter]
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[whistling, cheers]
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You got to be a woman now, man.
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I'm trying to grow my penis in, man.
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"It's a long vagina, officer.
Just don't take my job."
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I'll literally stand before I go to bed
and do some wiener inners.
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[laughter]
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Got to decrease this hang time, baby,
if I want a future.
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Good to be here in Nashville, man,
thank you guys for welcoming me here.
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[cheering, applause]
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I appreciate it, thank you. Thank you.
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I've been living in Los Angeles, man.
That place has lost its mind, man.
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Yeah, I don't blame the, uh... fires.
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Don't blame the flame.
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'Cause they don't have
any regular people out there, man.
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Like I-I grew up around
regular people, you know?
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Just, you know.
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Like, out there everybody is fancy.
Somebody is fancy. Their daddy is fancy.
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You know?
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I grew up-- Dude, they had a guy
growing up in my neighborhood: no arms.
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Fight everybody, boy.
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Yeah, zero arms.
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[laughter]
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Yeah, dude, this boy named,
Gert was his name.
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Yeah.
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Well, that-- His name was Edgerton, okay?
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Nobody is named Gert,
that is not a name, you know.
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That's more like a sound, you know,
like maybe you're eating something.
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And somebody scares you, you know? "Gert!"
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That's just Mom petting the cat.
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You call before you come
touch that cat, Linda.
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This fellow named Edgerton.
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And he choked out 30 people
in our town and had zero arms.
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[laughter]
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And they call him Gert,
because if you take the name Edgerton
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and you take off the E-D
and you take off the O-N
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then that's Gert, you know.
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Yeah, just the middle, you know?
Just like him really.
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[laughter]
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[cheering]
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It's really about the most poignant name
you've ever heard, you know?
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And you wouldn't think
that he was going to choke anybody out
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'cause he wasn't armed out, you know.
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God hadn't really sprouted him out
and he, uh...
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he would just stand there
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and then he would just
smash you like that.
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Just pow! And he would just choke you out
and then just balance home like that...
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into a cigarette.
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Dude he... [laughs]
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He went to court one time,
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and the judge was like,
"This is the fuckin' guy y'all caught?"
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Gert is just standing over there.
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He had the cuffs,
kind of just draped over his shoulder.
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[laughter]
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They can't even fingerprint him.
They just...
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Rolling his shoulders in ink.
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He's drawing snowmen on the sheet.
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I... I wonder whatever happened to him,
you know.
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Somebody probably shot him, you know.
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And I don't think
you should shoot people, but...
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sometimes you should, you know.
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Because that's not even a man,
you know. Choking out...
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That's a dang tall snake really.
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Can't read...
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chokes others...
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Snake, bro.
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That's easy.
That's basic snake math, daddy.
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That's an easy one for me.
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But yeah, we grew up
around regular people, man.
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Dude, we had one guy in my neighborhood
a fellow named-- Dairy was his name.
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Named after the, uh... food group.
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Yeah, he was. Yogurt, everything.
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Butter, mantequilla.
That's Spanish butter.
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Pretty cool. It sounds sexier
when it's Spanish, doesn't it?
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Oh, mantequilla, huh? Okay.
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How old is she, you know?
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But yeah, the fellow named Dairy
in my neighborhood, growing up,
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and he had Down syndrome.
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You know, and I'm not here to--
if you don't believe in it,
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I'm not here to debate that with you.
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You can do that outside of here.
You do that on your own time, but...
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he had it.
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We all got something
and he got that, and, uh...
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We did, he did, and I believe that and...
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But his mother never got
the paperwork done on him.
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'Cause she was an alcoholic.
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So he just had it.
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Just freelance, you know.
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And his mom was on that dust.
She'd be like "He don't have it."
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People like, "Dairy has-- He has Down
syndrome," and she's going "No, he don't!"
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"My boy is Irish."
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-[laughter]
-What?
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Dairy ain't Irish.
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Nobody is that Irish, Miss Janet.
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That's like 700% Irish.
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It's almost Scottish.
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And I... I'm not making fun
of DS children, man, you know.
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No, I'm not doing that.
I wouldn't do that.
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So, if you're thinking that...
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Don't think about that.
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Just 'cause you think something,
it doesn't mean I'm doing it, man.
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You know we've all got something.
You know?
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It could be anything,
I could have leprosy.
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You know,
and I don't even know what it is, and...
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So it'd be pretty shocking if I did,
when I found out that I might have it.
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And me and Dairy used to go drink alcohol.
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People think that people with Down
syndrome don't drink alcohol ever.
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You know, and I would say
maybe a lot of times they don't,
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but this time they did, and... Yeah.
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We used to go drink alcohol in our town,
at the Ramada in our town.
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Yeah, before they had a murder up there.
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Do you know...
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You know, every Ramada
has had a murder at it?
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Yeah.
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Yeah, they used to have a website,
"everyRamadamurder.com" or Tumblr.
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Yeah, pretty cool, man. Not cool, but...
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That's neat, you know, and uh...
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And then they had two Ramadas
that nobody had been murdered at,
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you know, so people's all pissed off
on the message boards, you know.
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"Oh, everybody is sleeping well
at these bitches."
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And then thankfully,
people got murdered at those Ramadas.
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R.I.P.
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Me and Dairy used to go up there
and drink alcohol with a man.
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A man, he was a night-- He was a man
and he was a night manager as well.
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And he was-- Worked at the Ramada,
he was named Mr. Patrick, was his name.
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And he had rare wine, Riesling wine,
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in the trunk of his car
and he would pour it in his coffee cup,
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and we would sit there.
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Get Irished out, baby, you know?
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And I realized in hindsight,
that man was probably...
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probably pedophile, non-practicing.
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[laughter]
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You know what I'm saying?
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He had it in him,
but he didn't have it out of him.
189
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And that's really the--
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00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:50,584
If you're a pedophile,
keep it to yourself, bro. That's really--
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That would solve all of it.
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But yeah, anyway...
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What else is going on, man?
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00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:05,099
Not much really. Um...
195
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,436
My cousin got bit by a gay guy.
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00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,521
[laughter]
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00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:18,737
So, we'll see, you know.
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00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:20,823
[laughter]
199
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:26,912
[cheering]
200
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:28,497
It's a true story.
201
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,959
It's a true story in Los Angeles.
202
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,587
"The friendliest city on Earth."
203
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,755
And they're biting straights.
204
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,009
It was on Halloween.
205
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:44,054
They had a gay gentlemen dressed up
like a baby deer, okay?
206
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,682
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
207
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:50,728
They had a gay gentlemen dressed up
like a baby deer!
208
00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:54,899
And he jumped out of the hedges
and bit my cousin on the back.
209
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,651
Bit him right on the back.
210
00:12:57,735 --> 00:13:01,113
Left teeth marks
and cinnamon lip gloss on his back.
211
00:13:03,782 --> 00:13:07,369
And they tested it. It came back cinnamon.
They thought it was peach at the scene.
212
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,711
This shit has to stop, man.
213
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,924
We're better than that.
214
00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:24,762
And the guy pinched him, man.
I'll tell you everything, okay?
215
00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:26,472
The guy pinched him.
216
00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:30,017
Who is still pinching people
217
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:33,103
that's over the age of six?
218
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:38,817
And how much of the devil you got to have
in you to pinch somebody?
219
00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:42,738
To grab a little bitty chunk of somebody
220
00:13:42,821 --> 00:13:44,865
and want to fuckin' hurt that.
221
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,539
It has to stop, man.
222
00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:53,916
We're better than this.
223
00:13:58,212 --> 00:14:00,172
You get me fired up, daddy.
224
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,299
And people say
"Well, that's anti-gay, man."
225
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:03,801
It's not anti-gay.
226
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,095
I don't care that you're gay, buddy, okay?
227
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:09,306
Do not bite people at night, buddy bear...
228
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:11,600
outdoors.
229
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:16,230
Do not bite people
at night outdoors, friend.
230
00:14:20,859 --> 00:14:24,154
We've all been a little gay, man.
That's not even that wild anymore.
231
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:34,582
Nobody said no, boy.
232
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:36,625
Hey bro, damn.
233
00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:41,714
No--
234
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:47,595
Nobody said-- Not even a "Ahem!"
Okay, damn.
235
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,974
We've all been a little gay, man.
236
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:54,935
I'm not saying
it's not a wonderful thing to be gay,
237
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,021
but it's not as rare as it used to be.
238
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:01,483
You know, I know way more people
that are gay than, um...
239
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:03,652
people that could juggle.
240
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:05,738
[laughter]
241
00:15:07,781 --> 00:15:09,408
Way more, man.
242
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,954
So, L-G-T-B-Q-J, baby, you know.
243
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,957
[cheering]
244
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,462
We can't be leaving nobody out,
daddy, you know.
245
00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:26,008
We all keeping balls
in the air, son, you know.
246
00:15:29,803 --> 00:15:31,597
Dude, my friend Wallace,
last month he's like,
247
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:35,059
"Hey, man, I got to tell you, dude,
you know. I think I'm in love with men."
248
00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:38,228
I said "Bro, Daniel has been...
249
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:44,693
So I hear you, but we got bigger fish
to fry down here."
250
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,909
We've all been a little gay, man.
251
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,328
If you ever had been at Quiznos...
252
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:56,288
Remember when they used to have Quiznos?
253
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,792
That sandwich shop. A lot of men--
254
00:15:59,875 --> 00:16:03,253
And Quiznos was a predominantly
"men" establishment, okay?
255
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:06,173
I couldn't name seven women
that went to Quiznos
256
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:07,967
if you gave me four weeks.
257
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:15,265
And, uh... Quiznos, man,
you go in there as a fellow.
258
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:16,725
You wander in there, you know,
259
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,770
and the door kind of squeaks
a little when you go in.
260
00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:22,982
And you get that big toasted bad boy,
you know?
261
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,944
And you're sitting over there
by yourself and you're trying to...
262
00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:31,198
you're trying to corral
that little daddy, you know, and, uh...
263
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:35,661
You lock eyes with another man in there.
264
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:39,998
You feel the squirrels run, baby.
265
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:46,046
You ain't gay, but you ain't straight.
I know that shit.
266
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,256
[chuckles] Yeah!
267
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:52,469
Quiznos was a dang gateway drug
for homosexuality, man.
268
00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:56,640
And I'll put that
on the damn comment card, baby.
269
00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:04,481
We've all been a little gay, man.
270
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,152
What if even-- What if you've been
at your friend's house
271
00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:10,612
maybe one time,
you know in September and...
272
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:15,743
and it was cold out or whatever.
You stayed over there
273
00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:18,120
'cause you didn't want to drive home
'cause it was so cold.
274
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,789
And he slept in his room
and you slept on the couch
275
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,459
and he got up early and went to work
and then you went and got in his bed
276
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,252
while it was still warm, dude.
277
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:27,379
Okay?
278
00:17:29,923 --> 00:17:33,510
You ain't gay, but you ain't straight,
big dawg, okay?
279
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:37,389
Something is happening here.
280
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:43,771
See, man, we're not that different, man.
We all a little bit gay, bro.
281
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:46,273
Everybody is probably 11% gay.
282
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:48,025
[laughter]
283
00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:53,113
And that is not that much to give away,
you know... so...
284
00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:59,745
We didn't have a lot of diversity
in our town growing up.
285
00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:00,871
Uh...
286
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:03,749
We had one fellow
that got hit by lightning, but he had--
287
00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:07,753
Yeah, he pre-arranged it
to try and get that money.
288
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:16,386
And the crazy part was
he was in a damn coma
289
00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,138
and we were jealous of him, man.
290
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,767
We were like,
"Look at this rich motherfucker, dude."
291
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:28,357
Breathing on our tax dollars over here.
292
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:35,364
We didn't have a lot of diversity
in our town, man.
293
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:39,201
My neighborhood really was
just poor Black and poor white
294
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:40,702
and, uh...
295
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,996
So I hear a lot
about white privilege and I'm like,
296
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,248
"Fuck, man.
297
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:46,375
Missed that."
298
00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:52,381
I mean, I knew some motherfuckers
with sweaters, okay?
299
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:57,594
Don't get me wrong, you know,
but I was two tank tops in the winter.
300
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:01,807
Like, "You sure this will keep me warm?"
301
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:03,851
"Yeah, it'll keep you warm."
302
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:08,313
"I just feel cold... and athletic."
303
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:13,694
And my Black friends
would get mad at me, man.
304
00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:15,946
Like, "Man, look what you did to us, man."
305
00:19:16,029 --> 00:19:17,781
"Look what you did to us."
306
00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:20,701
Like, "Bro, do you think
I would do all that shit?
307
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:23,370
And move right next door, bro?
308
00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:27,583
Now we going to split these plums
or not, man?
309
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:31,128
Fuck it, we're down here together, dude.
310
00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:35,924
You think I took all your shit
and just... don't have it?
311
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,968
[laughter]
312
00:19:38,051 --> 00:19:40,262
Somebody else has both of our shit.
313
00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:43,682
And they're watching us fight over it."
314
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,395
It's green privilege, man.
315
00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:50,606
[cheering]
316
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:52,900
The privilege is fuckin' green.
317
00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:57,029
Poor people like to fight, dude.
That is the worst, man.
318
00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:59,740
"Man, you poor?" "Yeah, I'm poor!"
319
00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:05,370
Dude, my brother got hit by a damn harpoon
in our neighborhood one time.
320
00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:08,665
A sea needle fuckin' clipped him, daddy.
321
00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:10,500
Yeah.
322
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:14,004
From the past,
somebody threw that bitch from the past.
323
00:20:14,963 --> 00:20:15,964
Okay?
324
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:20,093
That fricking time-traveling joust.
He got hit down.
325
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:25,265
Poor people like to fight, man.
326
00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:31,438
Fought a lot growing up.
Used to fight Black dudes, man.
327
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:36,026
Yes, I don't know if you've ever fought
a Black dude or not, but...
328
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:39,029
they win, bro.
329
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:40,781
[laughter]
330
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,952
They tend to win and, uh...
331
00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:47,871
One time they cheated, man.
332
00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:50,832
I got jumped by five Black dudes
one time at night.
333
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:54,211
I don't know if you've ever fought
five Black dudes at night, but...
334
00:20:57,255 --> 00:20:59,383
Well, imagine you're fighting
five Black dudes.
335
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,219
Now close your eyes.
336
00:21:04,221 --> 00:21:06,765
Now how many Black dudes
are you fighting, bro?
337
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:10,018
As many as your imagination can hold.
338
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,647
[cheering]
339
00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:17,859
It was tough, man. We grew up
in some poverty growing up,
340
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:21,780
and poverty...
It was kind of dicey and it was fun.
341
00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:23,532
Um, yeah.
342
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:26,660
I knew somebody that died in a ditch fire.
343
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:30,747
Yeah, he almost lived,
but they kept throwing him back in.
344
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:32,833
[laughter]
345
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:36,044
And you don't get that with HOA.
346
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:42,175
You got to be a little more freelance
than that, you know, so...
347
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,762
We had some interesting times, man.
348
00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:49,725
And poverty is tough for everybody.
I don't care what your skin color is.
349
00:21:49,808 --> 00:21:52,311
You know, I know it's tougher
for some people than others.
350
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:55,939
I know it's probably a little tougher
for some ethnicities than others, but,
351
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,858
I think, sometimes--
352
00:21:57,941 --> 00:22:01,111
It's felt to me, sometimes we forget
that even white people struggle, man.
353
00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:06,074
I remember trying to get financial aid
when I was going to college, you know.
354
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,618
And I went
into the financial aid office and
355
00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:12,205
we had this cute little Black woman
that worked in there named Miss Linda.
356
00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:14,666
And I remember trying
to get financial aid.
357
00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:18,128
Specifically for poor white kids,
there was no programs, you know.
358
00:22:18,211 --> 00:22:20,130
Specifically for poor? Just--
359
00:22:20,213 --> 00:22:22,966
She said, "You got to be Black, Latino,
360
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:27,137
Native American, Pacific Islander."
361
00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:29,222
Like fuckin' surfers?
362
00:22:31,516 --> 00:22:34,644
Surfers are getting this money?
We're landlocked.
363
00:22:36,354 --> 00:22:38,565
She said "Well, come back
when you're Black."
364
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:42,360
I said "What's the password, Linda?"
365
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:45,655
She said, "Go talk
to the basketball coach."
366
00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:49,910
I said "He ain't making Black kids.
367
00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:52,370
Those kids were Black
when he went to them.
368
00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:54,372
He ain't that good of a coach."
369
00:22:59,044 --> 00:23:01,588
And sometimes you see people
do blackface out there, man,
370
00:23:01,671 --> 00:23:03,590
and I don't condone that, you know.
371
00:23:03,673 --> 00:23:07,010
But whenever I see somebody do it,
I hold, one second, just...
372
00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:09,679
just want to make sure...
373
00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:13,350
they're not just trying to get financial
aid, baby, know what I'm saying?
374
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:17,896
'Cause if that is the case, son,
fucking bronze me up, daddy.
375
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:21,942
At least give me a light blush.
I'll go Filipino.
376
00:23:23,276 --> 00:23:26,613
To run up that FAFSA, daddy, okay.
Praise God.
377
00:23:27,447 --> 00:23:29,991
[cheering, applause]
378
00:23:33,036 --> 00:23:36,123
We got to struggle together, man.
We struggle together, you know.
379
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,586
Well, we didn't have
a lot of diversity growing up. Um...
380
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:45,799
I remember, the first time
we got a Mexican kid.
381
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,052
Yeah, not "got one" either.
That is not what I am saying.
382
00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:50,428
Uh... [chuckles]
383
00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:53,640
It wasn't like he was
in a crate, you know?
384
00:23:54,641 --> 00:23:55,851
"Hector!
385
00:23:57,102 --> 00:24:00,021
Come on, bud. How was it?" You know...
386
00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:02,107
He showed up of natural causes.
387
00:24:03,358 --> 00:24:06,111
This was a naturally occurring Latino.
388
00:24:07,737 --> 00:24:11,408
Okay? 'Cause we didn't have any
in our area. We didn't have any.
389
00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:15,078
We didn't not want any.
We just didn't have any.
390
00:24:15,912 --> 00:24:19,040
You know,
God don't give everybody everything
391
00:24:19,124 --> 00:24:21,084
and we didn't have any Latinos.
392
00:24:21,793 --> 00:24:24,171
And I remember I was in seventh grade.
393
00:24:24,254 --> 00:24:29,384
And we had a class,
and the class was science, biology...
394
00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:33,763
animals...
395
00:24:35,390 --> 00:24:36,725
It was a big one.
396
00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:39,060
Sex-ed, outdoors.
397
00:24:40,478 --> 00:24:42,272
Yeah, 'cause we had a fellow
that couldn't go outdoors.
398
00:24:42,355 --> 00:24:44,024
This boy named Tot, was his name.
399
00:24:44,774 --> 00:24:48,486
T-O-T, named after the, um, appetizer.
400
00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:50,030
[laughter]
401
00:24:50,113 --> 00:24:53,909
And he had a hit of autism,
a pretty good lick of it and, uh...
402
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:57,370
Yeah, he had it, man, and, um...
403
00:24:57,454 --> 00:24:59,664
And he came to school
under a blanket for comfort.
404
00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:02,167
And he stayed at school all day
under the sheet
405
00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:04,669
and he went home
like that under the blanket.
406
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,464
And people called him King Tot.
That was his nickname.
407
00:25:08,006 --> 00:25:10,175
'Cause he's under the blanket, you know.
408
00:25:11,218 --> 00:25:12,302
And that's a normal nickname.
409
00:25:12,385 --> 00:25:14,095
If you're a child
and you're under a blanket,
410
00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:16,181
you're gonna get a King Tot, you know.
411
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:19,935
But one of our teachers,
to make him feel a part of things
412
00:25:20,018 --> 00:25:23,647
would make us draw pictures
of what was happening outdoors
413
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:26,233
and slide them
under the sheet for little Tot.
414
00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:31,363
Just little eight and a half
by eleven hits of the universe
415
00:25:32,739 --> 00:25:34,366
for little Totski.
416
00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:37,911
So, he is over there up under the blanket,
and about 10:00 a.m.
417
00:25:37,994 --> 00:25:40,330
he gets a whole influx
of information, you know.
418
00:25:40,413 --> 00:25:43,917
Mh-hmm, mh-hmm. Okay. Okay!
419
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,835
[laughs]
420
00:25:47,712 --> 00:25:52,300
Now I admit, sometimes I would draw
like a picture of a war going on,
421
00:25:53,134 --> 00:25:54,928
fuckin' slide it under,
422
00:25:55,595 --> 00:25:58,556
and you'd hear him go, "War!"
423
00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:02,060
Like, just joking, Tot!
424
00:26:03,103 --> 00:26:04,437
Sunshine!
425
00:26:05,021 --> 00:26:06,189
Sunshine!
426
00:26:07,023 --> 00:26:08,233
Sunshine!
427
00:26:08,775 --> 00:26:11,778
You had to hit him with three sunshines
to calm him down, you know.
428
00:26:12,862 --> 00:26:14,739
To get that sheet to stop shaking.
429
00:26:16,283 --> 00:26:18,618
You got to still that linen, baby.
That's Tot.
430
00:26:20,829 --> 00:26:22,122
And that's God.
431
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:27,377
And it was beautiful, man,
The class was beautiful.
432
00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:29,546
I will say it, you know, because...
433
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:31,673
they had animals in there.
434
00:26:32,799 --> 00:26:34,009
You know animals, man.
435
00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:39,764
You know animals, bro. You've seen them.
You know what I'm saying.
436
00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:41,850
They had animals.
They had animals in the classroom,
437
00:26:41,933 --> 00:26:43,518
and you could get an animal
at the beginning of class
438
00:26:43,601 --> 00:26:44,853
and hold it at your desk.
439
00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:47,522
So you're learning about science,
440
00:26:47,605 --> 00:26:50,108
you had a chunk of science
on you, you know.
441
00:26:50,191 --> 00:26:53,653
Get your little hamster,
get your little gerbil, daddy, you know?
442
00:26:53,737 --> 00:26:56,114
Get a snake, get a lizard, baby.
You know what I'm saying?
443
00:26:56,197 --> 00:26:57,407
Hold it at your desk.
444
00:26:57,949 --> 00:26:59,617
Get your little kitten, get your little...
445
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,454
little oyster baby, you know?
446
00:27:03,204 --> 00:27:05,665
We had one kid in our class.
He had been in a fire.
447
00:27:06,374 --> 00:27:08,001
He couldn't hold anything
that would scratch him,
448
00:27:08,084 --> 00:27:10,211
so they would set that oyster on him,
you know.
449
00:27:12,130 --> 00:27:13,965
This boy, Sherman was his name.
450
00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:20,013
And some people called him Burnt Sherman,
and I didn't call him that, okay?
451
00:27:20,096 --> 00:27:22,307
Other people said it, and I didn't say it.
452
00:27:23,141 --> 00:27:24,768
So don't think I fricking said it.
453
00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:30,857
I never said it, dude.
454
00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:34,194
But you were learning about science.
455
00:27:34,277 --> 00:27:36,696
You had a chunk of science
on you, man, you know?
456
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,949
Get your little hermit crab,
get your little fricking, uh...
457
00:27:41,659 --> 00:27:43,536
maybe a little puppy, a little, uh...
458
00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:45,997
a groundhog...
459
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:49,501
Uh... no, water animal.
460
00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:52,295
Yeah, fish, yeah.
461
00:27:53,004 --> 00:27:55,173
Hold it at your desk, you know.
462
00:27:55,256 --> 00:27:57,592
The fish sucked though,
if you got the fish because
463
00:27:57,675 --> 00:28:00,595
you had to go dip that bitch
about every two minutes, man.
464
00:28:00,678 --> 00:28:03,098
[laughs]
465
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:06,267
Bro, we had this one kid in our class.
This boy Lester.
466
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:08,478
He wouldn't dip his fish, dude.
467
00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:11,898
He was not very smart, man.
468
00:28:11,981 --> 00:28:15,151
He had to have his mouth open to learn,
you know. He was like...
469
00:28:16,820 --> 00:28:20,031
Lester, bro, dip that bitch, man.
470
00:28:20,782 --> 00:28:22,158
He'd be like, "Ahh..."
471
00:28:22,242 --> 00:28:24,786
Like that bitch is dry, bro.
472
00:28:25,578 --> 00:28:27,038
Dip that bitch!
473
00:28:27,122 --> 00:28:28,289
"Ahh..."
474
00:28:28,373 --> 00:28:30,959
That's been six minutes, Les.
475
00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:33,086
You're a murderer, big daddy.
476
00:28:33,169 --> 00:28:35,213
[groans]
477
00:28:35,296 --> 00:28:39,217
You're a damn taxidermist, boy.
Dip that bitch.
478
00:28:44,139 --> 00:28:47,600
But you were learning about science
and you had a chunk of science on you.
479
00:28:48,685 --> 00:28:51,146
You're running on five different
dimensions, you know.
480
00:28:52,230 --> 00:28:53,773
Truly beautiful, yes.
481
00:28:55,191 --> 00:28:57,444
And one day
we started learning about sex-ed.
482
00:28:58,611 --> 00:28:59,696
[audience member] Whoo!
483
00:28:59,779 --> 00:29:03,032
Yeah, well look, some of us--
Yeah, it's in us.
484
00:29:03,825 --> 00:29:05,368
You know it is a thing. It is in us, man.
485
00:29:05,452 --> 00:29:07,245
It is something that is living in us, bro.
486
00:29:08,246 --> 00:29:11,124
And I thought
it was going to be this dude Ed, uh...
487
00:29:12,333 --> 00:29:13,710
Yeah, dude.
488
00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:18,381
I thought it was going to be this dude Ed,
going to run in the room,
489
00:29:18,465 --> 00:29:20,049
spray out, honestly.
490
00:29:21,426 --> 00:29:23,595
'Cause I had seen this guy
working freelance
491
00:29:23,678 --> 00:29:26,222
down by the train tracks,
this dude Amtrak Eddie...
492
00:29:27,849 --> 00:29:29,184
busting them over by the fence.
493
00:29:29,267 --> 00:29:31,895
People would throw dimes at him
when he'd bust, you know.
494
00:29:31,978 --> 00:29:33,646
Bust, Eddie, bust!
495
00:29:34,689 --> 00:29:36,357
Come on, Eddie!
496
00:29:37,275 --> 00:29:39,277
And people would feed him
little slices of peaches
497
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,446
you know, through the chain link
to keep his, uh...
498
00:29:42,489 --> 00:29:43,656
energy up.
499
00:29:45,909 --> 00:29:50,830
But it's a synonym,
sexual education, so...
500
00:29:53,291 --> 00:29:55,752
The government wins again,
you know, every time.
501
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,593
So we start learning
about sex-ed, man. What did we know?
502
00:30:04,135 --> 00:30:07,514
People was nervous, man, you know.
People was confused.
503
00:30:08,014 --> 00:30:10,642
One kid wore a tuxedo.
504
00:30:11,726 --> 00:30:14,771
Uh, we ain't fucking, Kenneth, okay?
505
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,565
It's just charts, buddy.
506
00:30:18,191 --> 00:30:20,652
He's over there
putting cologne in his hair.
507
00:30:21,861 --> 00:30:26,407
Tone down the 'logne, Kenny cat.
That's just charts, boo.
508
00:30:28,117 --> 00:30:30,036
Dude, I remember
our toughest kid in school
509
00:30:30,119 --> 00:30:32,831
fainted drawing an ovary
on the chalk board.
510
00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:37,460
We were-- We were not doing well
as a group.
511
00:30:39,712 --> 00:30:43,508
I personally remember sitting in my desk,
just full-body erection.
512
00:30:45,426 --> 00:30:48,137
Just holding the baby squirrel, just...
513
00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:53,726
"If this thing breathes deep,
I'm gonna come, brother," you know.
514
00:31:02,402 --> 00:31:03,319
Dang.
515
00:31:04,153 --> 00:31:06,322
If that's too much, man,
I'm sorry about that.
516
00:31:09,784 --> 00:31:11,536
-Just...
-[cheering, applause]
517
00:31:11,619 --> 00:31:12,912
Give me a mulligan, man.
518
00:31:14,664 --> 00:31:16,416
I am sorry, I should--
519
00:31:17,834 --> 00:31:20,169
That's Satan working
through me, man, I'm sorry.
520
00:31:21,254 --> 00:31:24,424
Isn't it wild how Satan will just come
right out of you?
521
00:31:25,091 --> 00:31:26,593
You know what I'm saying is you just,
522
00:31:26,676 --> 00:31:28,595
you think you with the Lord,
and then Satan, boy.
523
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:32,640
♪ You see me Lord
And I'm Satan ♪
524
00:31:34,392 --> 00:31:37,270
And we were not doing well
as a group and, uh...
525
00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:40,231
one day our principal came in the room.
526
00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:42,859
A beautiful lady named--
Nancy Woods was her name.
527
00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:47,739
And I think she just passed away.
I don't know if she did.
528
00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:51,200
Ms. Woods,
if you're watching this, uh... [laughs]
529
00:31:52,702 --> 00:31:53,870
Then that's a plus.
530
00:31:54,412 --> 00:31:56,080
My God, what am I just saying?
531
00:31:58,207 --> 00:32:00,835
We tried to kill her, I remember that.
That's for damn sure, boy.
532
00:32:00,918 --> 00:32:02,253
You know what I'm saying?
533
00:32:04,130 --> 00:32:05,632
Bro, yeah.
534
00:32:05,715 --> 00:32:07,675
Dude, one of our assistant principals
used to go to sleep
535
00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:10,553
in the trunk of his car,
at fricking recess, man.
536
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:12,847
Yeah. And he took the key thing out
537
00:32:12,930 --> 00:32:15,391
so he could breathe through there, man.
He was wild.
538
00:32:15,975 --> 00:32:18,728
He's real wild.
Rollie Coleman was his name
539
00:32:18,811 --> 00:32:20,396
and shouldn't have said his name, but...
540
00:32:22,148 --> 00:32:24,525
He shouldn't have done that
in front of children, I don't think.
541
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:26,945
So, we're even, Rollie.
542
00:32:27,028 --> 00:32:28,112
Uh...
543
00:32:30,531 --> 00:32:35,703
But I remember our assistant principal
came in the room, this lady Nancy Woods.
544
00:32:35,787 --> 00:32:37,413
She was Italian.
545
00:32:37,497 --> 00:32:40,792
I mean she was just 700% Italian,
you know.
546
00:32:40,875 --> 00:32:44,087
Just 31 inches tall maybe.
547
00:32:44,754 --> 00:32:46,506
Buck seven, you know.
548
00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:48,216
Just drinking marinara
549
00:32:48,299 --> 00:32:50,426
and just shooting Test 200
right into her neck.
550
00:32:52,303 --> 00:32:53,930
A real dime, I thought.
551
00:32:55,473 --> 00:32:56,724
And she was tough as nails
552
00:32:56,808 --> 00:32:59,644
and she came in our class,
just dribbling a new student.
553
00:33:02,355 --> 00:33:05,692
She said
"Class, this is y'all's new student."
554
00:33:05,775 --> 00:33:07,318
And it was a Mexican boy.
555
00:33:08,236 --> 00:33:09,654
And we had never seen one.
556
00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:13,449
Think about Mexicans.
557
00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:16,494
Now don't think about them.
558
00:33:17,578 --> 00:33:18,746
That was us.
559
00:33:18,830 --> 00:33:20,748
[laughter]
560
00:33:22,166 --> 00:33:25,628
We'd seen maybe ten
or twelve drawings of Mexicans.
561
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:29,048
Some good drawings,
some not even good drawings.
562
00:33:30,341 --> 00:33:32,385
That's a kite, okay?
563
00:33:33,177 --> 00:33:37,140
You just wrote "Mexico" under it.
That is a kite.
564
00:33:37,765 --> 00:33:39,350
You're going to get a B.
565
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:45,189
And he was a beautiful boy.
566
00:33:46,649 --> 00:33:48,985
And he goes walking across our classroom.
567
00:33:49,569 --> 00:33:51,195
And he looked different than us, he--
568
00:33:51,279 --> 00:33:53,156
We just had Black children
and white children, you know.
569
00:33:53,239 --> 00:33:55,074
We had never seen a child like him.
570
00:33:55,158 --> 00:33:57,618
He had kind of a nutmeg complexion.
571
00:33:58,119 --> 00:33:59,912
He had... [chuckles]
572
00:34:00,788 --> 00:34:02,957
He had a mustache, okay?
573
00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:07,295
Bro, never in our wildest dreams
574
00:34:07,378 --> 00:34:11,758
had we put together
children and a mustache.
575
00:34:14,093 --> 00:34:17,472
But in Latino culture, baby,
that is part of their culture.
576
00:34:17,555 --> 00:34:21,142
Them boys strain
their whole childhood, just so...
577
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:26,522
Fucking launch that "word curtain," baby.
578
00:34:27,899 --> 00:34:30,401
That cortina de palabras, ay!
579
00:34:32,862 --> 00:34:34,405
And he was a beautiful boy.
580
00:34:35,948 --> 00:34:38,618
And he goes walking across the classroom.
581
00:34:39,118 --> 00:34:41,746
And people are like "Holy shit."
582
00:34:42,705 --> 00:34:44,624
"He is a kite."
583
00:34:44,707 --> 00:34:46,709
[laughter]
584
00:34:48,294 --> 00:34:52,673
And he sits down at his desk.
Nicholas was his name. Mexican Nicholas.
585
00:34:54,300 --> 00:34:57,136
And he sits down at his desk,
and he had been in class for four minutes,
586
00:34:57,220 --> 00:34:59,806
and he raises his hand.
587
00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:03,226
And people are like "He's going to talk."
588
00:35:04,769 --> 00:35:07,355
He raises his hand in sex-ed
589
00:35:08,189 --> 00:35:10,817
and he goes,
[in Mexican accent] "Hey, Mr. Blackwell."
590
00:35:11,984 --> 00:35:13,820
[normal voice] And, okay?
591
00:35:15,696 --> 00:35:19,575
Bro, I love that real Mexican accent, man,
that shit is-- Okay?
592
00:35:19,659 --> 00:35:22,203
And look, this story is 100% true.
593
00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:24,997
Every word of it, and I want to,
594
00:35:25,081 --> 00:35:27,834
I want to honor Nicholas' voice
as accurately as I can in this story.
595
00:35:29,544 --> 00:35:31,838
That's exactly how I remember his voice.
596
00:35:32,797 --> 00:35:35,341
I also could have been a racist child.
597
00:35:35,424 --> 00:35:37,134
[laughter]
598
00:35:37,844 --> 00:35:41,597
But he raised his hand in sex-ed, he goes,
599
00:35:41,681 --> 00:35:47,145
[in Mexican accent] "Hey, Mr. Blackwell,
what does 'pop that cherry' mean, homes?"
600
00:35:48,729 --> 00:35:55,111
[normal voice] And every kid
just lost their fricking mind!
601
00:35:55,695 --> 00:35:59,824
The ovary kid had just gotten better
and he went down again.
602
00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:02,577
People dropped their animals.
603
00:36:02,660 --> 00:36:05,955
There's snakes chasing squirrels
around the class.
604
00:36:06,038 --> 00:36:09,083
People are drawing
pentagrams on the furniture.
605
00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:12,753
People are killing sheep
they brought from home.
606
00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:15,840
Fucking home sheep.
607
00:36:17,758 --> 00:36:20,011
People are excited.
608
00:36:21,762 --> 00:36:24,390
'Cause nobody ever asked a question
from the playground
609
00:36:24,473 --> 00:36:26,058
here in the field of education.
610
00:36:26,976 --> 00:36:29,437
Never had these two universes met.
611
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:31,939
And four minutes of being in our lives
612
00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:34,317
and Mexican Nicholas
was a damn hero, baby.
613
00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:37,987
-A hero!
-[cheering]
614
00:36:40,948 --> 00:36:46,579
So the next day we come to school,
all the boys have mustaches drawn on,
615
00:36:46,662 --> 00:36:49,457
wearing Mexican flags.
616
00:36:50,082 --> 00:36:54,086
Wearing Italian flags
we thought were Mexican.
617
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:55,630
[laughs]
618
00:36:55,713 --> 00:36:57,506
That was me, bro.
619
00:36:58,716 --> 00:37:02,470
[humming]
620
00:37:02,553 --> 00:37:04,055
Flying kites.
621
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,267
[laughing] Yeah, yes.
622
00:37:09,936 --> 00:37:13,481
This one kid, this ginger kid, Gingah.
623
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,734
[laughter]
624
00:37:17,860 --> 00:37:20,071
I'm sorry, man, my grandfather said it,
625
00:37:21,113 --> 00:37:23,449
and Morgan Wallen taught me that,
man, I'm sorry.
626
00:37:23,532 --> 00:37:25,868
[cheering]
627
00:37:31,791 --> 00:37:34,627
I just can't even take 'em
around redheads anymore, you know.
628
00:37:36,087 --> 00:37:37,797
He was so excited in solidarity
629
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:42,009
he wrote the word "Mexico" across his face
and neck and chest in permanent marker.
630
00:37:42,802 --> 00:37:44,095
Some kid that meant it.
631
00:37:45,263 --> 00:37:49,767
It took four months,
to come out of his skin. Yeah, dude.
632
00:37:49,850 --> 00:37:53,062
One of our teachers
put him in a baby pool after school
633
00:37:53,145 --> 00:37:54,188
and put dish soap on him
634
00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:56,732
and would scrub
the word "Mexico" out of his chest.
635
00:37:58,067 --> 00:38:02,029
And years later he had a child,
and the baby was born with it in his skin.
636
00:38:04,156 --> 00:38:06,117
And that's Christ, baby, you know that.
637
00:38:06,909 --> 00:38:09,495
[cheering]
638
00:38:09,578 --> 00:38:10,579
Thank you.
639
00:38:13,207 --> 00:38:15,835
I want to thank everybody here
for getting a...
640
00:38:15,918 --> 00:38:18,004
either getting a negative test
641
00:38:18,087 --> 00:38:21,716
or a vax card or making a fake vax card,
thank you very much.
642
00:38:21,799 --> 00:38:24,051
[cheering]
643
00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:26,721
[laughing] Let's go, dude.
644
00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:31,142
Let's go, dude.
645
00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:34,645
We'll die together, you know.
646
00:38:36,230 --> 00:38:37,815
Yeah.
647
00:38:37,898 --> 00:38:40,818
I don't think it'll be a bad group
if we do. I know that.
648
00:38:44,739 --> 00:38:47,325
Oh, man, these pants are so tight, bro.
649
00:38:50,578 --> 00:38:52,747
[cheering]
650
00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:54,999
Dude, I can't believe women
have sex like this.
651
00:38:55,082 --> 00:38:59,211
This is the dumbest fucking thing
I've ever seen in my life.
652
00:39:00,504 --> 00:39:03,883
Oh, yeah, keep fucking me, Randall.
653
00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:09,055
Oh, yeah, slam that shit, Kyle.
654
00:39:10,222 --> 00:39:13,184
Who the hell is Kyle?
655
00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:16,479
You're better than that, ladies, okay?
656
00:39:17,521 --> 00:39:22,151
Y'all out here deadbugging.
Y'all better than that.
657
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:30,618
But Nicholas turned American real quick.
Let me tell you what happened to him.
658
00:39:31,827 --> 00:39:34,997
'Cause he started getting an ego...
you know.
659
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:39,418
'Cause in America,
that is one of our number-one exports.
660
00:39:42,171 --> 00:39:44,799
So he started getting an ego,
the second day at school, he's like,
661
00:39:44,882 --> 00:39:49,512
[in Mexican accent] "Yeah, I'm a hero,
and I'm a fucking rapper."
662
00:39:52,431 --> 00:39:53,849
[normal voice] 'Cause for some reason,
663
00:39:53,933 --> 00:39:56,227
the second somebody is popular
in America for anything,
664
00:39:56,310 --> 00:39:58,687
the next day they have to be a rapper.
665
00:39:59,313 --> 00:40:01,982
Okay? I don't care
if you've been in a coma for five years.
666
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:03,275
If you wake up,
667
00:40:03,359 --> 00:40:07,113
"Bitch, I need a sleepy mix tape
come Thursday, okay?"
668
00:40:08,656 --> 00:40:11,617
So Nicholas decided
he was going to be a rapper.
669
00:40:12,368 --> 00:40:14,412
So he had to get some jewelry. That's a...
670
00:40:14,954 --> 00:40:17,415
You know,
that's a primary accoutrement of rappers.
671
00:40:19,250 --> 00:40:22,169
So, we don't have any jewelry
in our town though.
672
00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:23,587
You couldn't get jewelry.
673
00:40:24,171 --> 00:40:26,090
If you want jewelry in our town...
674
00:40:28,801 --> 00:40:29,927
you don't have it.
675
00:40:31,554 --> 00:40:34,598
The most stuff you could get
by us easy, turpentine...
676
00:40:36,142 --> 00:40:37,309
some ideas.
677
00:40:39,103 --> 00:40:42,982
So he went to an estate sale.
A senior citizen woman had deceased.
678
00:40:43,482 --> 00:40:44,984
Yep, they die.
679
00:40:45,484 --> 00:40:49,822
And he went to an estate sale
for a senior citizen deceased female
680
00:40:49,905 --> 00:40:51,782
and bought her jewelry, okay?
681
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:53,909
[laughing] Bro...
682
00:40:54,493 --> 00:40:57,079
He showed up to school the next day.
683
00:40:58,164 --> 00:41:01,959
Looked like he had just discovered
the Titanic, bro, okay?
684
00:41:03,252 --> 00:41:06,630
He had all these old lady necklaces on.
685
00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:10,301
He had two brooches on.
686
00:41:10,384 --> 00:41:13,596
And one of them said,
"Happy Easter" on it.
687
00:41:14,847 --> 00:41:17,558
And the other one had a picture
of a man in it
688
00:41:17,641 --> 00:41:20,186
and it said, "Always, Carl" on it.
689
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:23,647
We're like, "Who the fuck is Carl?"
690
00:41:25,691 --> 00:41:30,196
And on his T-shirt, Nicholas wrote,
"Nick the sexy rapper."
691
00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:33,908
'Cause when you were a kid,
sometimes if you wanted to be something
692
00:41:33,991 --> 00:41:37,036
and you weren't something,
you just wrote something on a shirt
693
00:41:37,119 --> 00:41:40,372
and just showed up, you know.
694
00:41:40,456 --> 00:41:41,624
Lawyer.
695
00:41:42,833 --> 00:41:44,335
Doctor.
696
00:41:45,169 --> 00:41:46,420
Loved.
697
00:41:47,421 --> 00:41:51,550
The problem for Nicholas was,
he misspelled "rapper."
698
00:41:52,927 --> 00:41:54,261
[audience groans]
699
00:41:55,221 --> 00:41:56,305
One "P."
700
00:41:57,765 --> 00:41:59,642
Right into sex-ed...
701
00:42:01,435 --> 00:42:03,604
"Nick the sexy raper."
702
00:42:05,356 --> 00:42:06,690
And they expelled him.
703
00:42:07,900 --> 00:42:09,902
Yeah, you can't rape. You still can't.
704
00:42:12,488 --> 00:42:16,617
And I didn't see another Mexican person
till I was 19 years old.
705
00:42:22,581 --> 00:42:26,043
So sometimes, we look
at like a small town and we say,
706
00:42:26,126 --> 00:42:27,878
"All these people don't like these people.
They don't--"
707
00:42:27,962 --> 00:42:30,798
Some towns, you don't have anybody.
You don't even know anything.
708
00:42:30,881 --> 00:42:34,176
You don't have an opportunity
to know those people, you know.
709
00:42:34,885 --> 00:42:36,845
So I think we could use, um...
710
00:42:37,429 --> 00:42:39,306
I think we could use an exchange program.
711
00:42:40,224 --> 00:42:43,310
So where I'm from, we'll send anybody
some Randys and Darrels.
712
00:42:45,062 --> 00:42:49,275
And "Red rover, red rover,
send some Marias right over."
713
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:51,986
Spanish women.
714
00:42:53,612 --> 00:42:54,655
Pretty cool.
715
00:42:55,906 --> 00:42:57,241
Pretty cool, man.
716
00:42:57,324 --> 00:42:59,451
It turned out actually that
717
00:42:59,535 --> 00:43:02,246
I had a little bit more relation
to Latinos than I thought
718
00:43:02,329 --> 00:43:04,832
because my father
was actually from Nicaragua.
719
00:43:04,915 --> 00:43:07,126
And he migrated here.
720
00:43:07,209 --> 00:43:08,460
I don't know.
Migrate, is that for animals?
721
00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:11,422
I don't even know
what migrate is, but, anyway.
722
00:43:12,631 --> 00:43:16,719
He came here in a V formation?
I don't know how he got here. Okay?
723
00:43:17,970 --> 00:43:22,099
But he came here in 1922.
724
00:43:22,182 --> 00:43:25,561
My father was 70 when I was born.
He was born in 1910.
725
00:43:26,103 --> 00:43:27,187
Um...
726
00:43:27,271 --> 00:43:29,690
Which is kind of crazy, man.
727
00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:32,818
Dude, my grandfather was born in 1880.
728
00:43:33,444 --> 00:43:36,905
Yeah, we didn't have any pictures of him.
729
00:43:36,989 --> 00:43:39,241
[laughter]
730
00:43:39,325 --> 00:43:45,205
Yeah, we had a description
of my grandfather framed on the wall.
731
00:43:45,956 --> 00:43:49,710
Somebody wrote down what he looked like
and Mom framed it.
732
00:43:51,295 --> 00:43:54,548
And I'd go up by it and be like,
"Just like him.
733
00:43:56,091 --> 00:44:00,262
I look just like him.
I get it when Mom dies, okay?"
734
00:44:01,347 --> 00:44:02,514
Anyway, so...
735
00:44:03,182 --> 00:44:05,184
So anyway, my dad couldn't work.
736
00:44:05,267 --> 00:44:09,021
And so my mom would work,
and my father would be at home with us.
737
00:44:09,104 --> 00:44:10,439
And that's information.
738
00:44:11,815 --> 00:44:12,858
I'm giving you information,
739
00:44:12,941 --> 00:44:14,943
because now I wanna tell you
what happened, so...
740
00:44:16,820 --> 00:44:19,656
When I was about nine years old,
somebody died in our town.
741
00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:21,617
And I had to go to the funeral, you know,
742
00:44:21,700 --> 00:44:25,162
because my dad was always looking
for free shit for us to do.
743
00:44:27,498 --> 00:44:29,541
Yeah, I'm not joking, man.
My dad, his favorite thing to do
744
00:44:29,625 --> 00:44:31,960
was to get us a bag of pies
from the Burger King.
745
00:44:32,044 --> 00:44:34,505
And then he would drop us off
at the funeral parlor,
746
00:44:34,588 --> 00:44:36,590
see a couple of matinées, you know.
747
00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:40,469
This was when you could still eat
in the back of a funeral,
748
00:44:40,552 --> 00:44:42,346
before all the legislation.
749
00:44:44,807 --> 00:44:49,478
So, anyway, my dad had to get me a suit.
It was my first time at funerals.
750
00:44:49,561 --> 00:44:50,979
He had to get me a suit.
751
00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:56,318
It was right before Halloween.
He gets me a Beetlejuice costume.
752
00:44:58,278 --> 00:45:00,447
Not as a joke, okay?
753
00:45:00,531 --> 00:45:03,909
This is a 79-year-old man
shopping for a suit.
754
00:45:04,410 --> 00:45:08,080
He's at the pharmacy.
He sees that swaggy one-piece suit.
755
00:45:09,540 --> 00:45:11,792
He's thinking,
"My son has been well-behaved.
756
00:45:11,875 --> 00:45:14,545
I'm gonna get him
this $11 select piece, okay?"
757
00:45:16,338 --> 00:45:20,426
So fast-forward,
I'm at a real funeral, okay?
758
00:45:23,345 --> 00:45:25,806
Somebody is actually dead.
759
00:45:27,641 --> 00:45:30,436
And I have on a Beetlejuice costume.
760
00:45:32,729 --> 00:45:36,400
...suit, uh, cobwebs on the shoulders.
761
00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:41,947
Now this is the part
that really upset some locals.
762
00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:45,826
I'm not sure
if you have ever been to a funeral or not.
763
00:45:45,909 --> 00:45:47,661
Or if you've ever just
764
00:45:48,162 --> 00:45:50,205
met somebody that is dead, but...
765
00:45:51,707 --> 00:45:53,250
There is like a unique moment.
766
00:45:53,333 --> 00:45:55,502
If you've never seen a dead body,
you get to go see it.
767
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:57,546
You get to go peek see,
you know what I'm saying?
768
00:45:57,629 --> 00:46:00,132
You get to go see one, you know?
769
00:46:00,215 --> 00:46:01,633
It's kind of cool. Yeah, it is cool, man.
770
00:46:01,717 --> 00:46:04,761
It is like, you get to--
A little insider trading, you know. Yeah.
771
00:46:04,845 --> 00:46:08,056
So I hear that,
I'm fuckin' second in line, right?
772
00:46:09,308 --> 00:46:13,061
The mom is in front of me,
the dad is behind me...
773
00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:16,732
of the deceased,
and I'm Beetlejuice, you know.
774
00:46:22,404 --> 00:46:25,032
So I don't know what to do.
It's my turn to go up.
775
00:46:25,115 --> 00:46:27,910
I just start kind of waving at people.
776
00:46:29,578 --> 00:46:31,580
Doing the baby otter.
777
00:46:36,335 --> 00:46:38,045
Doing all my best shit.
778
00:46:38,962 --> 00:46:41,757
What I don't realize, while I'm up there,
779
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:44,343
there is a knife in the back of the suit.
780
00:46:51,767 --> 00:46:54,269
And the guy that died had been knifed out.
781
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:56,355
[audience groans]
782
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:02,945
Small world.
783
00:47:03,028 --> 00:47:04,947
[laughter]
784
00:47:06,615 --> 00:47:08,992
[cheering, applause]
785
00:47:11,870 --> 00:47:13,163
Thank you.
786
00:47:13,247 --> 00:47:14,581
Thank you, guys,
for being a part of my life.
787
00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:16,333
Thank you for welcoming me into your city,
788
00:47:16,416 --> 00:47:18,835
and thank you for supporting my podcast.
789
00:47:18,919 --> 00:47:20,337
[cheering]
790
00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:21,547
Dang, baby.
791
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:25,717
I appreciate it, thank you.
It means a lot to me.
792
00:47:27,052 --> 00:47:29,054
And I hope to make it up
to each one of you.
793
00:47:30,097 --> 00:47:32,140
And I'll probably see you
around town, so...
794
00:47:33,016 --> 00:47:34,726
I'll probably have to, so...
795
00:47:35,894 --> 00:47:37,437
Shit, I shouldn't have said that.
796
00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:41,024
I want to thank you there,
for supporting the podcast, man,
797
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,819
and you know we did a lot
of stuff for single moms on there,
798
00:47:43,902 --> 00:47:46,738
and we're going to continue
to do it, so thank you very much.
799
00:47:46,822 --> 00:47:49,616
[cheering, applause]
800
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:51,493
Thank you, man,
I want to tell you this story.
801
00:47:51,577 --> 00:47:56,248
One of the, uh, hardest working men
I've ever known in my life is my mother.
802
00:47:56,999 --> 00:47:59,293
-[cheering]
-Oh, yeah.
803
00:47:59,376 --> 00:48:00,377
That's the truth, man.
804
00:48:00,460 --> 00:48:03,255
And one time,
one of my favorite times as a child,
805
00:48:03,338 --> 00:48:05,090
my mother won a perm on the radio.
806
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:09,219
Yeah, she won it outright.
807
00:48:11,179 --> 00:48:13,473
Some family across town said they won it.
808
00:48:13,557 --> 00:48:15,559
Like, "Bitch, we won it."
809
00:48:17,227 --> 00:48:20,230
Dude, they came over to fight us for it.
810
00:48:21,189 --> 00:48:23,775
They drove over in a van,
and the lady gets out and she's like,
811
00:48:23,859 --> 00:48:25,694
"Uncurl that bitch."
812
00:48:26,653 --> 00:48:28,697
Like, "Mom already has it."
813
00:48:28,780 --> 00:48:31,283
"Unroll that bitch."
814
00:48:31,366 --> 00:48:33,327
"We ain't splitting a haircut."
815
00:48:35,203 --> 00:48:39,333
Then they told us
to go fuck ourselves, okay.
816
00:48:39,416 --> 00:48:43,211
Got in their van to leave,
and it wouldn't start.
817
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:46,923
And that's the epitome
of where I am from, dude.
818
00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:49,968
A bunch of people telling each other
to go fuck themselves
819
00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:52,596
and nobody can go anywhere.
820
00:48:52,679 --> 00:48:53,972
[laughter]
821
00:48:55,432 --> 00:48:57,017
[cheering]
822
00:48:57,100 --> 00:48:59,019
Amen, baby. So are you.
823
00:49:02,230 --> 00:49:04,149
And Mom got that perm, you know.
824
00:49:04,816 --> 00:49:08,570
And that thing was tight, boy. Tight.
825
00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:10,447
I mean she couldn't even--
826
00:49:10,530 --> 00:49:12,658
She couldn't even turn
her neck, she just...
827
00:49:13,492 --> 00:49:15,285
like, "Go to bed!
828
00:49:15,827 --> 00:49:19,081
Go to bed! I'm beautiful!"
829
00:49:22,668 --> 00:49:24,252
And she looked beautiful, man.
830
00:49:25,587 --> 00:49:27,673
You know, I had never seen
my mother look taken care of
831
00:49:27,756 --> 00:49:30,300
until I saw her come home,
after this contest.
832
00:49:30,384 --> 00:49:32,094
I'd never seen her look taken care of.
833
00:49:32,177 --> 00:49:34,805
I'd never seen...
She just worked every day I knew her.
834
00:49:34,888 --> 00:49:36,932
Every day I knew her,
she was going to work.
835
00:49:37,015 --> 00:49:40,560
Or, you know, or sometimes I'd see her
coming back from work, but
836
00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:44,398
I just... I'd never seen my mother
look, taken care of, you know.
837
00:49:44,481 --> 00:49:47,234
And not that she has to like
look a certain way
838
00:49:47,317 --> 00:49:49,903
as a woman or anything. But just that...
839
00:49:50,987 --> 00:49:54,741
I'd never seen the look
in my mother's eyes
840
00:49:54,825 --> 00:49:57,411
like somebody had cared about her.
841
00:49:57,494 --> 00:50:00,747
And I remember just seeing her that day
and just thinking to myself
842
00:50:00,831 --> 00:50:04,668
just, "Mom's winning perms!
Fucking anything is possible.
843
00:50:04,751 --> 00:50:05,836
[cheering]
844
00:50:05,919 --> 00:50:08,004
I'm gonna shit in the fish tank!"
845
00:50:11,466 --> 00:50:12,843
Fuck fish, bro.
846
00:50:14,177 --> 00:50:16,638
Land gang, dawg. I hate fish, bro.
847
00:50:17,347 --> 00:50:19,891
If they wanted to start some shit,
they'd come up here and start some shit.
848
00:50:19,975 --> 00:50:23,478
Bubbling fucking bullshit underwater.
Y'all are bitches, dawg.
849
00:50:23,562 --> 00:50:24,855
Wet bitches.
850
00:50:26,314 --> 00:50:27,315
Sorry, man.
851
00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:31,903
Yeah, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said
all or some of that, but...
852
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:36,783
But Mom got that perm, man,
and at the time on the television
853
00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:39,202
they had a commercial
for Big Charlie's Chairs.
854
00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:42,247
And this was a company, you know.
And they selling,
855
00:50:42,330 --> 00:50:44,708
you know, seatery, bros. Chairs.
856
00:50:46,209 --> 00:50:48,754
And it said on the commercial,
"The most comfortable chair
857
00:50:48,837 --> 00:50:51,131
in the comfort of your own home."
858
00:50:52,048 --> 00:50:56,678
And then the words "double comfort"
would just flash on the screen.
859
00:50:57,679 --> 00:50:59,973
In America,
we'd never seen double comfort.
860
00:51:01,016 --> 00:51:02,267
Remember?
861
00:51:02,809 --> 00:51:05,729
Yeah, this is when we just had
one amount of comfort, man.
862
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:09,941
And we were doing fine.
We were comfortable.
863
00:51:10,942 --> 00:51:14,529
Then some fancy fuckerelias come along.
864
00:51:15,113 --> 00:51:17,365
Say he gonna "double" comfort?
865
00:51:18,366 --> 00:51:20,744
Does the church know about this shit?
866
00:51:21,953 --> 00:51:24,539
'Cause this sounds
like the dark arts, baby.
867
00:51:24,623 --> 00:51:26,708
[cheering]
868
00:51:26,792 --> 00:51:28,752
[applause]
869
00:51:31,379 --> 00:51:32,631
Thank you.
870
00:51:33,131 --> 00:51:35,550
But the man looked reliable
on the television.
871
00:51:35,634 --> 00:51:38,386
You know, they sprayed him down
with water to look him sweaty.
872
00:51:39,137 --> 00:51:41,056
The man looked reliable, you know.
873
00:51:41,139 --> 00:51:43,308
He had on an 11-piece suit, man.
874
00:51:43,934 --> 00:51:46,520
Two pieces with a fucking chicken leg
in each pocket.
875
00:51:46,603 --> 00:51:48,814
You know what I am saying, bro.
He's cheating.
876
00:51:50,106 --> 00:51:53,068
He looked like a reliable man,
on the commercial.
877
00:51:53,151 --> 00:51:55,821
And he said, "If you call
this 1-800 number
878
00:51:55,904 --> 00:51:57,739
I'll bring the chair to your house
879
00:51:57,823 --> 00:52:00,951
and I'll prove to you
how comfortable it is."
880
00:52:02,202 --> 00:52:04,746
So, he looked like a hard worker.
My mother is a hard worker.
881
00:52:04,830 --> 00:52:07,916
I'm thinking, I'm gonna hit the hotline,
I'm gonna have him bring the seat
882
00:52:07,999 --> 00:52:10,627
but I'm going to play cupid,
I'm gonna set him up with my mom.
883
00:52:11,628 --> 00:52:14,172
I am about to be the son
of a furniture man.
884
00:52:19,886 --> 00:52:23,098
So, I hit that phone line.
A Vietnamese woman answered the phone.
885
00:52:24,140 --> 00:52:27,561
I think, I have no idea, you know.
I don't know, man.
886
00:52:28,186 --> 00:52:32,065
Yeah, could have been a gay fellow
had the wind knocked out of him.
887
00:52:32,148 --> 00:52:34,192
[laughter]
888
00:52:34,276 --> 00:52:37,153
I want to be fair, dude.
I just want to be fair.
889
00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:40,699
Like, "Big Charlie be there,
four to six weeks."
890
00:52:42,409 --> 00:52:43,869
That's close, man.
891
00:52:45,579 --> 00:52:48,790
I am like, "Four to six weeks?"
That's vague, you know.
892
00:52:49,666 --> 00:52:50,959
But we'll wait.
893
00:52:52,127 --> 00:52:54,546
I just didn't know how long
that perm could hold out.
894
00:52:55,630 --> 00:52:58,925
'Cause we'd never had a perm.
We'd had two cats and we'd had a, um...
895
00:53:00,677 --> 00:53:02,345
a magazine subscription.
896
00:53:03,930 --> 00:53:06,850
You know, one of the ones where
you get 30 magazines for four dollars
897
00:53:06,933 --> 00:53:08,059
and they sue you?
898
00:53:12,981 --> 00:53:14,065
We had that one.
899
00:53:15,984 --> 00:53:18,904
So they said four to six weeks, man,
and I would pray at night,
900
00:53:18,987 --> 00:53:22,407
"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord these curls to keep."
901
00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:26,745
'Cause we needed that perm
to hold the line, baby, you know.
902
00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:28,705
I mean--
903
00:53:28,788 --> 00:53:31,791
Name six families
that win two perms on the radio?
904
00:53:37,172 --> 00:53:38,590
Checkmate, bro.
905
00:53:40,592 --> 00:53:43,595
So about three weeks later,
my sister yells upstairs.
906
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:47,223
She said, "Theo,
somebody is here for you!"
907
00:53:47,766 --> 00:53:49,267
"And fuck you!"
908
00:53:51,102 --> 00:53:52,938
She was a Sagittarius.
909
00:53:54,981 --> 00:53:59,069
And I was in my room, you know.
Probably just learning about my body.
910
00:54:02,447 --> 00:54:05,492
Learned the same thing every time, bro.
911
00:54:06,743 --> 00:54:08,119
I mean, look...
912
00:54:09,120 --> 00:54:12,624
I should put on my resumé,
"Bad Scientist," okay?
913
00:54:14,793 --> 00:54:19,214
But I come running downstairs, man,
and I am running.
914
00:54:19,714 --> 00:54:21,591
And I am thinking, "Man...
915
00:54:22,258 --> 00:54:26,930
this might be the last time
I ever touch this freaking floor.
916
00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:32,227
'Cause when I set my mother up
with Big Chair Charlie,
917
00:54:32,310 --> 00:54:36,606
we gonna have so many fucking chairs.
918
00:54:37,565 --> 00:54:40,568
I might never see the floor again.
919
00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:44,239
I'm gonna wake up out of my bed
and step onto my new nightstand
920
00:54:44,322 --> 00:54:46,992
and onto my love seat and onto my La-Z-Boy
921
00:54:47,075 --> 00:54:48,994
and onto my sofa and onto my divan
922
00:54:49,077 --> 00:54:52,622
and ottoman, ottoman, ottoman,
and I'll be outside."
923
00:54:52,706 --> 00:54:54,708
[cheering]
924
00:54:56,418 --> 00:54:59,462
Fuckin' floors are for the poor.
925
00:55:01,339 --> 00:55:05,468
And I get close to the front door,
and I look over and see my mother
926
00:55:05,552 --> 00:55:07,804
and she's like "Who in the hell is it?"
927
00:55:08,513 --> 00:55:10,807
I said, "Go put on your nice robe
928
00:55:11,349 --> 00:55:13,226
with the pockets in it."
929
00:55:13,852 --> 00:55:17,439
[groaning]
930
00:55:20,191 --> 00:55:22,777
And that perm was tight,
it wasn't tight tight but
931
00:55:23,445 --> 00:55:25,947
it had like one tight left in the chamber,
you know.
932
00:55:27,532 --> 00:55:31,411
It wasn't "go to dinner," but it was like
"go to the casino, buffet" tight.
933
00:55:34,748 --> 00:55:37,459
And then I open that door
and first I see that chair.
934
00:55:39,377 --> 00:55:42,088
And it looked like
about six other discontinued chairs
935
00:55:42,172 --> 00:55:43,673
kind of pieced together.
936
00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:46,301
Real piece of shit, man.
937
00:55:47,177 --> 00:55:48,887
A real piece of shit!
938
00:55:50,805 --> 00:55:52,891
And then I'm looking for Big Chair Charlie
939
00:55:53,516 --> 00:55:54,976
and he's not even there.
940
00:55:56,227 --> 00:55:58,480
They had two adult lesbians
standing there.
941
00:56:00,315 --> 00:56:02,525
One of them, same exact haircut as me.
942
00:56:04,486 --> 00:56:07,405
That's when I said,
"Gang recognize gang, ladies."
943
00:56:07,489 --> 00:56:09,032
[cheering]
944
00:56:12,368 --> 00:56:14,412
I'd finally met my people.
945
00:56:15,830 --> 00:56:18,249
And these beautiful Layelles
come in the house.
946
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:20,752
And they bring the chair in with them.
947
00:56:21,586 --> 00:56:23,880
And they set the chair down
in the living room
948
00:56:23,963 --> 00:56:26,257
and they sat my mother down in the chair.
949
00:56:26,341 --> 00:56:29,677
And on the side of the chair,
they had like a lever.
950
00:56:29,761 --> 00:56:34,432
And the more you pull on the lever,
the more comfort comes out of the chair.
951
00:56:35,183 --> 00:56:38,061
Until you were unemployed.
952
00:56:38,144 --> 00:56:39,646
[laughter]
953
00:56:42,273 --> 00:56:46,319
They sit my mother down,
she pulled once, she pulled twice,
954
00:56:46,402 --> 00:56:49,114
and the third time
the whole back of that chair
955
00:56:49,197 --> 00:56:51,658
falls right the fuck off, okay?
956
00:56:52,450 --> 00:56:55,411
My mother goes whistling
right past unemployment
957
00:56:55,495 --> 00:56:57,580
down towards disability.
958
00:56:59,874 --> 00:57:02,460
But right as her head hit the ground,
I swear to God,
959
00:57:02,544 --> 00:57:05,213
that perm just bounced
my mother right back up.
960
00:57:05,296 --> 00:57:08,424
Just... Just...
961
00:57:08,925 --> 00:57:11,427
Just like the Devil was throwing fastballs
962
00:57:11,511 --> 00:57:15,306
but the Lord had out his catcher's mitt,
you feel me?
963
00:57:15,390 --> 00:57:16,933
[laughter]
964
00:57:19,519 --> 00:57:21,229
And my mother threw us out.
965
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,815
Me and these beautiful
adult lesbians, man,
966
00:57:23,898 --> 00:57:25,775
and we fuckin' chest-bumped in the yard.
967
00:57:27,444 --> 00:57:29,654
They wanted to, dude. I was underage.
968
00:57:34,075 --> 00:57:36,202
And they drove off
through our neighborhood.
969
00:57:38,955 --> 00:57:41,749
And honestly, man,
I-I didn't like our neighborhood.
970
00:57:42,500 --> 00:57:43,877
I didn't like living in it.
971
00:57:44,544 --> 00:57:46,045
I didn't like feeling through it.
972
00:57:46,671 --> 00:57:49,048
It wasn't a safe place for me
to feel through
973
00:57:49,132 --> 00:57:53,386
and they had a family on our street
called the Huffs, right?
974
00:57:53,928 --> 00:57:57,056
They had eleven children, zero shirts.
975
00:57:58,349 --> 00:58:01,352
One boy put pants on his arms
around the holidays.
976
00:58:04,272 --> 00:58:06,774
But this ignorant family--
Unfortunate, really.
977
00:58:07,275 --> 00:58:10,028
This unfortunate family had done
one of the smartest things...
978
00:58:10,695 --> 00:58:12,113
one of the smartest things I'd ever seen.
979
00:58:12,197 --> 00:58:14,365
They had taken a stop sign from somewhere.
980
00:58:16,326 --> 00:58:18,536
Wherever you get
free stop signs from, okay?
981
00:58:19,495 --> 00:58:21,247
Probably memorial sites now.
982
00:58:24,667 --> 00:58:26,669
I mean, that's sign math, daddy.
983
00:58:29,214 --> 00:58:30,507
And...
984
00:58:32,884 --> 00:58:35,094
and they put it directly along the street.
985
00:58:35,178 --> 00:58:38,181
This is the street
in front of their house, okay?
986
00:58:38,264 --> 00:58:41,142
So you're driving, you're a driver.
You're one who drives.
987
00:58:41,226 --> 00:58:43,228
You see the stop sign. You stop.
988
00:58:43,978 --> 00:58:46,064
But there's no cross street right there.
989
00:58:46,856 --> 00:58:49,067
Just their house is right here.
990
00:58:49,692 --> 00:58:53,780
And while you're wondering
"What in the hell am I stopped for?"
991
00:58:53,863 --> 00:58:56,491
The oldest kids would come up
and sell you drugs.
992
00:58:58,117 --> 00:59:00,745
Location, location, location.
993
00:59:02,455 --> 00:59:05,375
And if you don't think you'll buy drugs
when you're at a stop sign,
994
00:59:05,458 --> 00:59:06,834
you don't know yourself.
995
00:59:09,629 --> 00:59:11,339
And these beautiful adult lesbians
stopped there
996
00:59:11,422 --> 00:59:13,132
and bought a couple of bags of dope.
997
00:59:14,050 --> 00:59:16,261
Moved into our neighborhood
about a week later.
998
00:59:16,803 --> 00:59:18,638
And made love to probably...
999
00:59:18,721 --> 00:59:20,598
I bet probably at least
almost eleven people's mothers
1000
00:59:20,682 --> 00:59:22,058
over the next decade.
1001
00:59:23,643 --> 00:59:25,436
And if that ain't double comfort...
1002
00:59:27,855 --> 00:59:29,440
I don't know what is, baby.
1003
00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:33,444
-I'm Theo Von, man! Thank you so much!
-[cheering, applause]
1004
00:59:33,528 --> 00:59:35,989
Thank you, Nashville.
I owe you. I love you.
1005
00:59:36,072 --> 00:59:38,116
Thank you very much
for being a part of my life.
1006
00:59:38,658 --> 00:59:40,994
Thank you very much. Good to see y'all.
1007
00:59:45,248 --> 00:59:48,751
♪ Shine that light on me ♪
1008
00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:54,674
♪ I'll sit and tell you my stories ♪
1009
00:59:55,717 --> 00:59:59,304
♪ Shine on me ♪
1010
01:00:00,263 --> 01:00:07,020
♪ And I will find a song
I will sing it just for you ♪
1011
01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:14,152
♪ And now I've been moving way too fast ♪
1012
01:00:14,235 --> 01:00:19,240
♪ On a runaway train
With the heavy load of my past ♪
1013
01:00:21,909 --> 01:00:24,662
♪ And these rails that
I've been riding on ♪
1014
01:00:24,746 --> 01:00:27,373
♪ They're worn so thin
That they're damn near gone ♪
1015
01:00:27,457 --> 01:00:31,961
♪ I guess they that
They just weren't built to last ♪
1016
01:00:32,045 --> 01:00:34,380
♪ Yeah, I'm gonna try ♪
1017
01:00:35,214 --> 01:00:38,092
♪ To make sense of what I can ♪
1018
01:00:38,176 --> 01:00:40,178
♪ Of where I'm going ♪
1019
01:00:40,261 --> 01:00:43,056
♪ Oh, and where I've been ♪
1020
01:00:43,765 --> 01:00:46,934
♪ Shine that light on me ♪
1021
01:00:49,270 --> 01:00:53,524
♪ I'll sit and tell you my stories ♪
1022
01:00:54,108 --> 01:00:57,695
♪ Shine on me ♪