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- Right here we're gonna walk down
to the Capitol and we're probably not
gonna be cheering so much for some of them.
(electronic beeping)
- Derek and Dale.
- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."
I'm Derek. - And I'm Dale.
- Let's get right to it.
We are just 10 months away from the 2020 election
and I've got a special weather report for you.
It is a blizzard out there.
There are snowflakes all over the place,
the people reporting the news.
Of course, I'm talking about the lame-stream media.
My name's Derek. - And I'm Dale.
- And we are the hosts of "The Derek and Dale Show."
"The Derek and Dale Show" is a podcast
that we do right back here in the back of my wife's van.
My wife makes us take 'em off whenever she goes out.
She says following one man blindly
will ultimately lead to our destruction.
Now we've been reporting on Trump rallies since 2016.
- CNN sucks, CNN sucks!
- We're reporting live here
for "The Derek and Dale Show" at a Trump rally.
Lock her up, lock her up!
We're journalists, you know?
What we're doing is journalism.
- Allentown is actually a pretty beautiful city.
- I'm gonna say it,
Dale is my best friend in the whole world.
I love Dale, I really do and he's always there for me.
I can't tie my own shoes and Dale has the same problem.
- Yeah, I can't tie my shoes at all.
- Dale handles all of the online stuff.
He's our social media guru.
- I write a lot of fan fiction on the internet.
My friends online seem to really like it.
- 4chan, 8chan.
Jackie Chan.
I'm not PC.
This is my friend Dale, he's an incel.
He hasn't talked to a woman in like 10 years.
- Hi, Dale.
- So it's an involuntary celibate.
So that means you kind of maybe wanna but they don't.
- Yeah, this is the house I live in with,
well, when I'm allowed to with my wife Caitlin
and my beautiful daughter.
That's my daughter, Ivanka.
- Oh, that's awesome.
- No, no, Ivanka, my daughter is, I named her Ivanka.
She's four years old.
I enlist her in all of the beauty pageants.
- I actually don't really like his wife and his daughter.
- Yes.
- I think that they're bitches.
- I'm gonna let that one slide, I'll tell you why.
Because Dale has some severe emotional problems.
His dad left him, told him not to trust women.
- Yeah, my dad left when I was young and his parting
words were "Don't fucking trust your fucking mom.
There's a fucking reason I'm fucking leaving.
Get it through your fucking thick little skull."
I miss him so much.
- My wife kicked me out of the house.
Yeah, she said I gotta get a real job
and contribute to Ivanka's college fund.
So I came up with a plan.
We're leaving tonight to go get jobs
at Fox News in New York City.
- That's right, "The Derek and Dale Show"
is gonna be the newest show on the Fox lineup.
Tonight's the night.
- We're getting jobs at Fox News.
(people cheering)
- I love Ivanka.
Hopefully when I become a big Fox News star,
she's not gonna look at me like some loser doing a podcast.
She's gonna look at me like I'm worth something, you know?
- New York City, here we come.
- God, did it just start raining?
What's that thing you always keep saying?
- The calm before the storm.
- And what's that other thing?
You're always like "Where we go," what?
- Where we go one, we go all.
- We should go, right? - We should go.
- Yeah.
(upbeat electronic music)
- We here at "The Derek and Dale Show"
are cutting through the lies and a lie is
anything that Donald Trump says isn't true.
- And sometimes some stuff
that he hasn't even mentioned, like robot people.
Hillary Clinton is actually a robot person.
- Wait Dale, I'm gonna stop you there.
Please do not bring this up when we're at Fox News, okay?
- That person flipped me off.
- Tomorrow, we're gonna be huge stars at Fox News.
- We're gonna be cheersing Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity.
- 2020 is gonna be the greatest year ever.
All right, let's get some sleep.
- Tomorrow's a big day, huh? - Tomorrow's a big day.
Goodnight, Dale. - Goodnight, Derek.
- Good morning, Derek and Dale nation.
We have some exciting news.
Can you imagine if we were on that billboard?
"Derek and Dale Show" right there?
That would be the key to my happiness.
Do you know where Fox News is?
- I hate Fox News.
- Today is our first show at Fox News.
Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."
I'm Derek. - And I'm Dale.
- Let's get right to it.
This is our very first show right here, live at Fox News.
I think if they see us out here doing our thing,
they're gonna see that we're the real deal
and they're gonna offer us a prime time show.
- That's right.
- Do you work in the building?
- Yep.
- We're "The Derek and Dale Show."
- Yeah.
Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."
I'm Derek. - And I'm Dale.
- Let's get right to it. - Yeah.
- We want a show on Fox.
- Maybe they're talent scouts.
- Are you guys talent scouts?
- You're security?
Is it possible to get a meeting with the CEO right now?
Suzanne Scott, that's her, that's the CEO, right?
She's the CEO right, Suzanne Scott?
- What are you saying?
- If we could get a meeting with her right now.
- Derek, we're here to meet a woman?
- Yeah.
- I don't want to meet a woman.
Derek, I'm an incel.
Are you serious? - Yes.
- Why didn't you tell me this?
I don't talk to women. - Dale, Dale.
Hey, it's fine, it's fine.
We'll take a midday show, it doesn't matter.
- Stop it.
- This isn't a reflection of what we’d be like on air.
- Ugh!
- Why do we have to leave?
Are we getting a show today? Yes or no.
- You're not getting a show. - We're not getting a show?
- You lied to me.
- No, no, I promised Ivanka.
- Do you guys talk to women?
(tense violin tones)
(soft piano music)
Sometimes when I'm feeling insecure,
I gotta get into the comment section and just troll some people.
I'm so stupid.
Of course Fox News doesn't want anything to do with me.
I'm such an idiot.
I'm just gonna go home and beg my wife to take me back.
Stupid.
(soft angelic chanting)
- I'll fucking find you.
- Of course, we should make a deal.
"Art of the Deal," what would Donald Trump do, right?
- Make a deal. - Make a deal.
- Let's make a deal. - Let's make a deal.
(upbeat piano music)
- That was not cool that Derek lied to me.
I didn't know I was gonna have to speak to a woman.
- Dale. - Derek,
I'm glad you found me, we gotta go back to Allentown.
I don't want anything to do with this.
- What would Donald Trump do?
- I don't know, what do you mean?
- He wouldn't give up, he'd make a deal.
- Okay, I just don't think Fox News wanted
anything to do with a couple of loser podcasters.
- We're entitled to whatever we want
just like Donald Trump is.
- Okay, but how do we get it?
- A demo tape. - Demo tape?
- A tape that shows we can do everything that Fox News does
and we bring it back and we put it on their desk.
- I don't know, Derek. - It's the perfect deal.
- I just want my old life back.
- Okay, let me take you somewhere.
If you're not convinced, we can go back to Allentown.
- Okay, you promise? - I promise.
- Okay. - Come on, follow me.
- So Derek took me to Trump Tower
and it was basically like a religious experience.
I mean it was gold all over like everything
and we just know that it can all be ours.
- So I've been studying "The Art of the Deal"
and I put together a checklist
for everything we need for the perfect demo tape.
Success is so close, we can practically taste it.
Your eyes do not deceive you.
We have changed our look here at "The Derek and Dale Show."
We have ditched our MAGA hats
for some crisp button-downs and we're looking great.
We are going cross-country right now.
From New York, we're heading to the Iowa Caucus.
- Democratic Presidential hopefuls
crisscrossing the Hawkeye State.
- Every Iowan is worth 1,000 Californians.
- This is where the action is.
This is where all the journalists are.
This is where Fox News is.
Hey sweetheart, no, no, no.
I'm actually not heading home, I'm actually heading to Iowa.
On the phone with my wife, trying to explain to her
I'm heading out to make a demo tape.
She was like, "You gotta go home and raise our daughter."
It's like this is important to me.
I'm here, sweetheart, I'm here.
Honey, no, no.
Put Ivanka on the phone, put Ivanka on the phone.
Put Ivanka on the phone, put her on the phone!
Sorry for yelling, I love you.
"The Derek and Dale Show" is reporting
live from Iowa at the Iowa Caucus.
There's a lot of Democrats up for election
and it's gonna be the media capital
of the world for the next couple weeks.
So we're gonna report on it as unbiased
journalists who are supporting Trump.
- That's right.
- The second item on our demo checklist
is an investigative report that we're doing on voter fraud.
It's a very important issue in the election
and Trump says it's happening all the time.
- Yeah, it's pretty scary because if the libs
can voter fraud enough, they'll win the election.
- A lot of people are out there committing voter fraud.
- Oh, you don't vote?
- Hey ma'am, how are you?
Who would you be voting for? - Biden and the other one,
Bernie. - Oh yeah?
And you and you wouldn't vote twice, right?
- I might not even vote at all.
- No, that's good, that's good, that's good.
- Trump 2020, Pence 2020.
- Can you do a quick interview?
- Oh yeah.
- Voter fraud's a real problem in the country.
- Yeah, I know, I know all about it.
- Have you ever seen any voter fraud?
- Yeah, me, I did it.
- You committed voter fraud, what'd you do?
- Voted twice for Trump. - Really?
- Four years ago, yes.
- Did you get in trouble for that?
- Yeah, I'm still on probation for it.
- Really? - Yeah.
I spent a month in jail, yeah.
Now if I had voted for Hillary, I would've got a gold medal.
- Do you think a lot of people voted twice for Hillary?
- There's people who voted for Obama eight times.
- Where did you hear that?
We should look into that. - On Facebook.
- On Facebook, you saw it on Facebook?
- Yeah.
- What advice would you give to people out there?
- Don't vote twice. - Don't vote twice?
- Yes, don't vote twice, it's not worth it.
- I'm having like a big crisis because
I honestly thought it was like libs that were doing it.
- Yeah.
(slow tempo jazz music)
Well we did find some voter fraud.
- Yeah, just not who we thought it might be
but we're still allowed to check the box, right?
- Yeah, of course.
We found it. - Right.
- Yes. - Okay.
- Moving on, if we want to be taken seriously by Fox News,
we're gonna have to up the production value.
Unfortunately for us, we lack the funds to do that.
Enough about that, let's talk about why we're here,
which is the Democratic Caucus
and we're gonna see somebody called Andrew Yang.
You heard at one point, there's an Asian man running
for President who wants to give everyone $1,000 a month.
- Wait, what do you mean $1,000 a month?
- He just gives it away like an idiot.
- That's a typical liberal giving away $1,000 a month.
Um for $1,000 a month could go a long way, I mean we could-
- I asked a member of the Yang gang
because I happen to live with one, my five-year-old.
(audience laughs)
I asked him, "Why are you voting for Andrew Yang?"
And here's what he said,
"His face looks fresher than Bernie's."
(audience laughs)
So he's here today, let's give a warm welcome
to this fresh-faced candidate for President.
(audience applauds)
- Thank you for the warm introduction.
Thank you all for being here today.
I'm running to address a challenge that we've been
struggling with as a country for the last several years
that we haven't fully understood and apparently-
- I'm kind of low on cash right now.
Do you think I could get an advance
on the Universal Basic Income?
If there's like two or $3,000, you could just give me now.
- We have to make this happen for everyone.
- Can you just give me the money in your wallet?
A couple bucks right now? That'd be great.
- I gotta go man, thank you. - Okay.
- You can go out this way. - Okay.
- Sorry about that.
- No, not at all.
- I think what we gotta
let everyone know is that Andrew Yang
talks a lot about robots and it's because he is a robot.
He's trying to take all our human jobs, including President.
If we don't stand up for ourselves,
the robots are gonna take over.
(audience boos)
The robots are gonna take over.
(people chattering, laughing)
He is a robot.
(ominous violin music)
The robots are gonna take over.
- So as I was saying before we were interrupt-
- We need money to revamp the van
and Dale did some research. - Yeah.
There's actually a candidate out there
who's a billionaire, plenty of money to spare.
- Billionaire Tom Steyer says
he's the candidate for America.
- I am a different person from everybody else who's running.
- And if there's one thing
billionaires are afraid of, it's lawyers.
My dad made a lot of money back in the day
getting hit by cars, tractors,
anything with wheels and you get in the way by accident
and then you sue for a lot of money.
Now if you pick the right people,
that can be very lucrative and that's how
he finally made enough money to leave me and my mom.
- For 40 years, all the increased
income in the United States has gone
to the richest people and the biggest corporations.
Basically I'm running because
these corporations own the government
and let me give you some examples-
- Everybody listen, one second.
Tom Steyer hit me with his car in the parking lot.
He ran over me and I'm injured and I don't know what to do.
- No.
- He ran over me with his car and I'm injured.
- Has this ever happened to you?
You might be entitled to a large cash sum.
Call me, the Fixer Lawyer.
Visit www.thefixerlawyer.com
and you won't pay unless you collect, period.
Ellipses, that sentence is not true.
(people chattering)
- How about a million?
I'm a little worried that Tom Steyer
might come after us legally because
if there's one thing podcasters are afraid of, lawyers.
I've spent all my money.
I spent all of our family's money.
The only money I have left is Ivanka's college fund, you know?
- Bingo.
- What?
- Use Ivanka's college fund.
- No, my wife would kill me, she'd divorce me, literally.
- What would Donald do?
(phone rings)
- Hey sweetheart, it's daddy.
Oh no, no, no, don't put mommy on.
Do you think you could get on mommy's computer?
Just go to bankofamerica.com
and then there's something called Ivanka's College Fund.
I'm gonna need you to transfer some
of that money to daddy's account, just press send.
All right, thank you, sweetheart.
I love you and I miss you and daddy's gonna be a big star.
I promise you, okay?
I'm betting your future on it.
(dramatic trumpet music)
- "Derek and Dale."
- Welcome to the new and improved "Derek and Dale Show."
I'm Derek. - And I'm Dale.
- Let's get right to it.
Look at this brand new swanky studio
we've got here at "The Derek and Dale Show."
We have brand new microphones.
We have a brand new computer,
brand new lights and a beautiful, very expensive
brand new camera here at "The Derek and Dale Show."
Isn't that right, Dale? - That's right.
We got kind of a new donor, I guess you could say.
- We are pursuing our dream.
We're checking another box on our demo tape,
a gotcha interview and who am I gonna interview today?
- He's gonna interview former Vice-President
Joe Biden and current scumbag. (Derek laughs)
- That's right, current scumbag
and what is a gotcha interview, Dale?
- A gotcha interview is where you ask the tough
questions sometimes in rapid succession to make sure
that whoever you're talking to looks pretty stupid.
- All right, I'm gonna start with Ukraine.
Then hit Hunter Biden and knock him out with a sleepy Joe.
- Derek, I've never seen you like this, you are ready.
(phone buzzes) - I'm gonna take this, okay?
- Just take it after. - Yeah, it's fine.
I'll just do it right now.
Hey, no, no, no, slow down, slow down, sweetheart.
Yes, I did take the college fund.
Sweetheart, yeah, I did it for us, I took the money for us.
You're what? You're leaving me?
Honey please, I'm begging you.
I'm fucking begging you, please don't leave me.
I don't know what I'm gonna fucking do without you.
Put Ivanka on the phone, let daddy talk to Ivanka.
Ivanka, Ivanka, are you there?
Ivanka! (horn honks)
Ivanka, sweetheart?
Shit.
- So when I hear people talking about age,
I'm over 70, I got news for you, folks.
70 is the new 50s, let's get used to it.
(crowd applauds)
- Please welcome Vice-President Joe Biden.
(crowd cheers)
- John Kerry.
John Kerry is the ideal of statesmanship and public service.
(crowd applauds)
- Mr. Vice-President, welcome to the show.
My wife recently left me, she's divorcing me.
What can I do to get her back?
What advice could you give somebody like me to get her back?
- I'll talk to you afterwards, okay?
- Could we just get this out right now?
'Cause we're live. - No.
- No we’re live.
- No. - If we could just get,
could you please answer the question?
- I'm beginning to see why your wife left you.
(crowd laughs)
Come on, man. - Sit down.
- Your wife left you, your wife left you.
(distorted laughing)
Your wife left you.
(cackling whispers)
- The big story today is I am alone.
- Derek's been a little bit down I guess.
The gotcha interview did not go well.
I keep trying to tell him, someone's gotta get got
in a gotcha interview and they don't all go your way.
- My wife left me, as Joe Biden so eloquently pointed out.
- Derek, a lot of our listeners are here
because they want our take on the news
of the day and for us to cut through the lies.
- I'm beginning to see why my wife left me.
That's what he said.
"I'm beginning to see why your wife left you."
- If you're done feeling sorry for yourself,
I have something to say, Derek, okay?
What would Donald Trump do?
That's what we always ask ourselves.
What would Donald Trump do?
Would he cry?
Would he sulk on his show?
No, he would make his ex-wife jealous
and he'd go find another one.
- You know what else Donald Trump would do, Dale?
And this is for the viewers at home too.
Donald Trump would talk to a woman.
- Okay, here it is.
You heard it here first on "The Derek and Dale Show."
If Derek gets remarried, I'll talk to a woman.
- Put your money where your mouth is.
Just shake my hand on it.
- You really think you're ready?
- I think so.
- It's the right thing to do.
- Are you ready?
- I don't know.
- When you see an government that works great,
for those with money and is not working so great for everyone else,
that is corruption pure and simple
and we need to call it out for what it is.
This is about what we do with our government.
- I just wanted to ask you one question.
(dramatic violin music)
Will you marry me?
- Yes.
- Woo!
- My friend Dale, where's my friend Dale?
There he is, he's an incel and he just wanted to say
his first words to a woman in a long time, so.
- Hi, hi, Elizabeth.
- Hi, Dale. - Thank you.
This is a big moment for me.
- Uh huh.
Thank you.
- I'm glad you're here, Dale and I'm hanging onto the ring.
- Woo!
- Buh bye!
- She's a great woman, who wouldn't want to marry her?
I don’t understand, who wouldn’t want -
- What? Oh, that's my friend.
(mumbling)
- He has to, he, this is like -
You're only the second woman he's ever talked to.
It's okay, you shouldn't do too much too fast.
- No, I'm saying for him,
he shouldn't go too much, too fast.
This was big, this was really big for you, okay?
I'm proud of you, hey, hey, I'm proud of you.
- Wow.
- Well, we have some exciting news
here at "The Derek and Dale Show."
I got engaged to Elizabeth Warren,
the Senator from Massachusetts.
Really proud of Dale.
- I spoke to a woman for the first time in a long time
and it wasn't that bad, she was really nice.
- Things are going great for us personally
at "The Derek and Dale Show," our demo tape is going great.
We are reporting from South Carolina.
Philadelphia right now, very exciting to be here.
We are traveling the country, we are building this tape.
Forward momentum is pushing us forward.
We have the winds at our backs right now.
- Yeah, it's almost as if no one
will say no to an interview with Derek and Dale.
- But we know a lot more about how President Trump -
did you want to let me finish speaking first?
- No, we were hoping we could interrupt you.
- So I don't think experience - - Play the hits.
Come on, play "Hotel California," come on.
Just play one song, we came all the way here.
- Joe Walsh, class act, love it, love the Eagles.
For starters, I keep a lot of balls
in the air because most deals fall flat,
no matter how promising they seem at first, interesting.
- I used to be an extreme Democrat
and now I feel like I'm an extreme moderate.
(audience laughs)
I don't have the same passion
necessarily I used to have but I sleep better at night.
(audience applauds)
- Things are going great for "The Derek and Dale Show."
As long as there are large public gatherings,
our demo tape is gonna be finished in no time, right?
- That's right.
- This will be targeted for workers who are ill,
quarantined or caring for others due to coronavirus.
- What does this all mean for "The Derek and Dale Show?"
- I don't know.
I just got a push notification that Tom Hanks has it.
- Heightened states of emergency across the nation
as the number of coronavirus cases soars above 3000.
- Across this vast country,
America's shutdown is now illustrated in startling ways.
- I see the disinfectant, it knocks it out in a minute
and is there a way we can do something like that,
like injection inside or almost a cleaning?
- With the COVID-19 pandemic still raging,
Joe Biden cancels his plans to accept
the Democratic Presidential nomination in person.
- This sucks.
Ever since the country got shut down,
we haven't checked a single box on our checklist
and it doesn't make any sense.
Why is everything shut down if Donald Trump
said like a miracle, it's gonna disappear?
- Because it's a conspiracy, Derek.
- We need a reopening soon.
- When do we get our country back?
- We have had a complete
and total shutdown of America, right?
- COVID-19, the China virus, the karate flu,
whatever you want to call it,
it's a hoax perpetrated against Donald Trump
by top Democrats to shut down the economy.
- I think it was put out there
to undermine "The Derek and Dale Show."
- Reopen "The Derek and Dale Show."
- And reopen America now.
(tense violin music)
- Everyone say "Trump 2020."
- Trump 2020!
- What do we wanna do, do we wanna reopen America?
Reopen America, everybody say "Reopen America."
- Reopen America!
- Reopen America now.
- Dr. Fauci's a scam, fuck that guy.
- Fire Fauci! - Fire Fauci!
- All these libs are saying you gotta wear a mask.
I'm not wearing a mask. - I'm not wearing a mask.
I haven't worn a mask, I never even wore a mask
when I was a kid on Halloween, no mask.
- You know what they're trying to do?
They're trying to enslave us with these masks, right?
- Yep.
- This is how I look at it.
These masks, they're basically the Jewish star.
This is Nazi Germany and Donald Trump is not Hitler.
Even though he's the President and he's in charge,
he's not the Hitler in this situation.
The thing is it's like you start
with the mask and then what's next?
Concentration camps probably. - I'm on your camp, man.
I agree with you.
- Burn your masks, burn your masks!
Burn your masks, burn your masks!
Burn your masks!
- Who wants a mask to burn?
- Burn your masks, burn your masks.
- Burn the masks.
-Put the mask in the bucket.
- Yeah, burn the masks!
- You gonna light 'em on fire? - Light it up.
Let's go, lots of masks. - Yeah.
- I want you to know that COVID is a lie, it's a lie!
(Derek coughing)
- So things have been getting
a little rocky here in the van.
Come on, hurry up.
(siren blaring)
Kind of a lazy bones,
a little under the weather I guess.
He's had a lot of stomach agitation, he's had a fever.
He's had kind of a dry cough
and so we're just kind of trying
to take all the precautions we can.
I'm hoping it's not the virus but if it is,
we just want to make sure that
we're treating it with Trump's recommendations. - God, it burns.
Sometimes the sprays don't get enough.
We don't get enough concentrated.
- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."
I'm Derek. - I'm Dale.
- Let's get right to it. (wheezes)
- Top stories today - This is just the pure bleach.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Okay.
- We're just hoping we don't need to go to the hospital.
It could really put a dent
into our "Derek and Dale" demo tape.
(Derek panting)
- I can't taste the Monster.
- Okay. - I can't taste the Monster.
(low, tense warbling)
What are you doing?
No I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
- This is it, this is the only solution.
- I'm fine. - This is the only solution.
- I'm fine.
- Okay, good luck.
I just left Derek at the hospital.
Feel a little bad about it
but I know it was the right thing.
Now I'm gonna go see my dad.
I've been emailing him and he finally responded to me.
So he's kind of expecting me, he's probably pretty excited.
I don't want to let him down.
(electronic warbling, beeping)
- "Derek and Dale."
- Welcome back to "The Derek and Dale Show."
I'm Derek. - And I'm Dale.
- Let's get right to it.
I have to say it is good to be back
here at "The Derek and Dale Show."
I was a little touch and go there for a little bit.
I was in the hospital with COVID-19, it turns out.
- We were all a little bit worried about you
and I gotta tell you, I was missing you a lot
but I used the time to reconnect with my dad.
- Oh, wow. - Yeah, it was incredible.
I finally got the courage to do it
and I showed up at his place and he was happy to see me.
He said "Dale, take off that damn mask.
Trump says that whole COVID thing's a Democrat hoax."
You know, chip off the old block kind of thing
and he said he'd go see Donald Trump with me soon.
- Oh, that's great. - Answer this real quick.
- Phone call, live on the air, a little unprofessional.
- Dale Sr.'s next of kin, yes, that's me.
I'm getting a phone call from my dad.
- Oh, all right.
- So he's just?
(church bell tolls)
Dad, I miss you already.
We're gonna see Donald Trump together
just like we always said we were.
- It's gonna be okay.
Wait, are those his ashes?
- Yeah.
- So we're just standing on someone's grave?
- Yeah.
- And on that note, I'm gonna put this on
and I think we should do that from now on, okay?
- Yeah.
(Dale weeps)
- Dale's kind of down in the dumps.
He's upset because he killed his dad with COVID.
So today, I'm gonna take him to see
kind of an inspirational speaker.
Somebody who really believes in the power of positivity.
- They want to enslave you to a land
of discarded heroin needles in parks,
riots in streets, human sex-drug traffickers.
You will not recognize this country or yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, the best is yet to come.
- She's also gonna check a box on the demo checklist,
rub elbow with some former Fox stars, so.
We're getting to meet Kimberly Guilfoyle.
- To the Donald Trump campaign
and of course the National Chair
of the Trump Victory Finance Committee, Kimberly Guilfoyle!
(crowd cheers)
- Is everybody having a good time so far today?
I think I've been everywhere but like
Alaska and Hawaii so far, all right?
- Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly.
My dad died of COVID and I'm still a Trump supporter.
(crowd cheers)
And the best is yet to come!
Yeah!
- It’s more like this, "The best is yet to come!"
- Yeah!
All right everybody, we're doing a little ceremony,
Kimberly, for you as well.
The best is yet to come!
Man, what a great speaker she was, it was moving.
- You know dad, Kimberly Guilfoyle
helped me see that I just needed a little positivity.
It really motivated me to ask you,
will you forgive me for killing you with COVID-19?
(upbeat ensemble music)
Thank you, thank you, dad.
- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."
I'm Derek. - And I'm Dale Jr.
and this is Dale Sr. joining us today.
- So what is the next thing we need to do, Dale?
- Okay, the next thing and maybe one of the most important
things Derek and Dale could do is break our own story.
- America! - First!
- Really?
(crowd cheers)
- Is there a story that's out there right now
that the mainstream media isn't reporting on?
- If you're gonna kneel during your football game when
you're feeling oppressed, don't kneel, respect the flag.
- You know what I hate is when you see
people sometimes and they'll desecrate the flag.
Have you seen that?
Like they don't respect the flag.
They'll like put markings on the flag,
they'll like put text over a flag.
They'll change the colors of the flag
and I'm like, that's the American flag.
You never, ever do anything
to desecrate the American flag ever.
- Still no Trump 2021 in America
as we see here Operation Flag Drop that Facebook group.
- Yeah, the text going right over the flag there
and it looks nice and then it's splattering, that's cool.
- It is though, yeah and- - A little help.
- Oh jeez, this guy.
We've talked to a lot of people
but we haven't broken a story yet.
We need to find somebody who's an expert on a subject
and we need to ask him some tough questions.
- Q, baby.
- Is there any story you can think of that
is being under-reported by the mainstream media?
- Of course, Qway’non.
- Qway’non, okay. - Q.
- Q, okay.
- So you're a fan of Q? - I'm a fan of Q.
A big diehard fan of Q.
- So you’re saying Qway’non, I've heard QAnon.
- They say QAnon, I consider it Qway’non
because the A is silent. - Which A?
- The second A.
- Who is Q? - Who is Q?
- Yes. - There's two people.
It could be the President of the United States,
which is Donald Trump or JFK Jr.
- Either there is somebody named Q
who's working in the White House, it could be Trump.
- This is what I was telling you, this is the stuff I write.
- Absolutely and Major Taylor Green.
- Yeah, keep going, we'll be right back.
What?
- These are the stories that I've been writing.
The stuff I write late at night, you know?
- What do you mean?
- I have a lot of fun with it because
it's basically like Q and Trump are like two superheroes.
- Wait, what are you saying?
- I'm saying I'm Q. - You're Q?
- Yeah. - That's your fan fiction?
- That's my fan fiction, I know
it's so stupid but people believe it I guess.
- This could be a huge thing for us.
- Oh no, it's just stuff I write late at night.
- This is our news story right now.
If we break who QAnon is, that would be huge.
- We'll break the story. - We'll break the story.
- Derek and Dale will break the story.
- Yes, all right.
So this guy Q, he is a smart guy, right?
- Genius. - He's a genius?
- I don't know if he's a genius.
Some people say like they don't know who's written this.
- Q might not be a person.
Q might be the President of the United States.
- But what if it's not?
What if it's an incel who lives in a van
with an American flag bandana around his?
- Yes. - Okay.
You know I was thinking maybe
this could be big for the demo tape.
We get somebody who's like running
for office in politics who believes in QAnon.
The only problem is that you kinda
have to be a fucking moron to believe in this stuff.
- Q is a patriot, it's an anonymous person.
According to Q,
many -im-ern- our government are actively worshiping Satan.
- Satan.
- Kennedy getting killed in the plane crash.
That's another one of those Clinton murders, right?
- Clinton murders.
- There's a once in a lifetime opportunity to take
this global cable of Satan-worshiping pedophiles out.
- It's pronounced cabal.
- They're doing exactly what they want to do
and that's why they passed a $1.9 trillion
spending bill that only 9%, less than 9% actually-
- Where we go one, we go all. - No, no, no.
- Thank you, Q Congresswoman, thank you.
- Get out, get out.
- Stop pushing me, there's a misunderstanding, okay?
She believes in me like a kid believes in Santa Claus.
I love Marjorie Taylor Greene, she believes in me.
- Isn’t that sad?
(big crash)
(crowd gasps)
- Ow!
- Get outta here.
- I just don't know what everyone was so mad about.
Marjorie Taylor Greene actually believes in my fan fiction.
So what's the problem?
- You just look like a guy and QAnon
is supposed to be this kind of magical being
that's like a fairytale almost, a superhero.
Do you picture QAnon looking a specific way
when you're writing your fan fiction?
- Yeah.
(dramatic violin music)
- This is exactly what you pictured in your stories?
- This is exactly what Q looks like exactly.
- All right, let's spread the word.
Ready, guys?
Q, you do a Q and then you put
your head down until it goes over like a Q.
- Seeing these adults,
the look on their faces when they saw Q.
- It's Dale from "The Derek and Dale Show."
- Stop it. - Right?
- I see it now, okay, okay. - Exactly.
- And the storm is upon us.
- It just warms our heart, it's darling.
You love Q, right? - Oh yeah.
Me and my boyfriend follow him hard.
- It was almost like dealing with children.
Hey, where we go one. - We go all.
- There we go. - Yeah.
- Who is Q?
- Where we go one, we go all.
- God bless America.
- Donald Trump created a miracle for this nation
and that miracle is this room tonight is awake.
- Excuse me, I'm Q, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, I'm Q. - Taken for granted.
- If you have any questions about the storm
or the cabal any of my other stories, just let me know.
- Where many can live. - Hey guys.
Oh hey, not cool, hey, I'm supposed to wear a mask.
Gimme that.
General Flynn, don't let them kick me out, that's an order.
I'm allowed to wear this, it's my mask.
(crowd boos) - Hey, no, no, no.
Hey, that's my mask, hey.
- Does he got any questions?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- We have a very special guest for the show today.
QAnon is joining us in the studio.
Q, thanks for joining us.
- Anything for "The Derek and Dale Show."
- We understand that you will reveal
who you really are on "The Derek and Dale Show"
but only if "The Derek and Dale Show" is on Fox News.
Is that correct? - That's right.
I am willing to do the unthinkable
if Derek and Dale get a show at Fox News
and then Derek can refill his daughter's
college fund and then Dale can get a van twice the size.
- That's awesome, it's gonna be a huge story.
(relaxed guitar music)
- So I do the two bunnies, right?
- Yeah.
- Vote no for Joe and the ho. - Oh, cool.
You got children's sizes?
- Yeah, I got super extra small.
- Oh yeah, let me see, it's for my five-year-old.
What does the back say? Can I see it?
Because my daughter is gonna wear it.
- "Trump those bitches." - Okay, that's fine.
That's great.
Hey, sweetheart.
I'm sorry, I can't say that anymore.
Are you calling to congratulate me on my engagement?
Trying to get a job right now?
That's what I'm doing actually.
If I don't have a job by the custody hearing on
November 4th, you're gonna take Ivanka away from me forever?
Put Ivanka on the phone, put Ivanka on the phone!
My ex-wife, she just said if I don't have a job,
she's gonna take my daughter Ivanka away from me.
I don't know, maybe it's fate
because the hearing is the day after the election.
So we can get the job on election day
and then I'll get my daughter the day after, you know?
- Thank you, thank you for the pep talk.
I really appreciate it.
- 10 days and counting, election day is drawing near.
- This is going to be a fraud like you've never seen.
- Show up and vote.
- We are getting close to the end game here.
- Absolutely, after we broke that big story with Q,
the world started to take notice
but we realized we had one more thing.
- Yes.
- We want acknowledgement from Donald Trump
before we head back to Fox News and Derek had a great idea.
- We are here in Washington D.C.
for a very important part of our demo tape.
Today, we are going to interview
the one and only Donald Trump.
Does Trump ever come out for interviews or anything?
- Why, what happened?
- He never comes out of the front door of the White House?
That seems crazy.
All right, so we can't interview him.
We gotta think of a new way to get his attention.
What's going on over here?
(drums beating)
(people chanting)
- What do you think of everything?
- I don’t know.
- It feels like they're talking
a lot about like white privilege.
I don't know, have you ever experienced that?
- I don't think we have, right?
- No, not us. - Yeah.
- It's not about us.
Like the stuff we do, like interrupting politicians,
like anyone could do that.
- There wouldn’t be different consequences. - It's got nothing to do with privilege.
- Hey guys, you gotta move these, they're blocking traffic.
You gotta move all the cars.
You gotta get 'em out of here, they're blocking traffic.
Nobody can get through.
Guys, wrap it up.
You gotta move 'em.
- Are you okay? You seem a little agitated.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
Hey, if we're ever separated for whatever reason,
our paths go a different direction,
let's meet right back here at the Washington Monument.
- Okay, sure Derek. Promise? - Promise.
- Yeah.
Now we just gotta figure out a way
to get Donald Trump's attention.
- We've gotta do something big, something monumental.
- Dale that's it, monuments.
- The unhinged left-wing mob
is trying to vandalize our history,
desecrate our monuments, our beautiful monuments.
- Donald Trump keeps talking about Confederate monuments.
He says these protesters want to tear down these beautiful
monuments and that kind of got the wheels turning.
- Yeah, we thought if Donald Trump
loves these Confederate monuments so much,
we should dedicate them to him.
- I want to apologize for being agitated lately.
Ever since I talked to a woman for the first time,
I started to have a lot of romantic urges.
I just want to explode. - Like sexually?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I've been there before but anyways, back to these statues.
I think Donald Trump's right.
These things are beautiful, you know?
They're gorgeous statues, they're just built nice.
The curves on them are amazing.
Imagine being on top of one of those statutes, you know?
This is a statue of Robert E. Lee here in Charlottesville,
the most famous Confederate statue and today,
we're gonna turn it into a big statue for Donald Trump.
Hopefully this gets his attention.
- Derek, I'm gonna hang back for a second.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.
I'll see you at the van. - You sure?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- All right, sure.
(smooth jazz music)
- Our monuments, our beautiful monuments.
Beautiful monuments.
- I got the podcast all set up if you're ready to.
(Dale moaning)
- Oh no, oh, oh, oh.
Derek. - Yeah?
- You were right, that's incredible.
- That wasn't really what I was talking about.
I wasn't talking about fucking em’.
We will admit when we fail at something.
We failed at getting Donald Trump's attention with these
Confederate statue re-namings but on the positive side,
you lost your virginity, right?
- Yep, I did fuck a fair number of those statues.
- Right, "Derek and Dale Show"
says fuck Confederate statues.
But we've gotta stay focused here.
We only have five days to complete this demo tape.
Kind of a crazy idea but I just read online
that Donald Trump, his motorcade
is gonna literally drive past our hometown.
I'm thinking if we can get on camera with Donald Trump,
that could put us over the edge with Fox News.
- And just a little selfish thing,
I'm gonna get to see Donald Trump with my dad.
- It's a human interest story.
It's the final thing for our demo tape.
It checks all the boxes and it has to work.
- Thanks for being here with me.
- Of course, I'm glad you guys
could come and do this together.
- It's something I kind of
always wanted to do with him, you know?
- Yeah.
("The Star-Spangled Banner" trumpet music)
- Aww.
- All I know so far is that he’s en route.
- All right.
- Hey, can I hold it? It's my dad.
I'd rather you put it on the hood of my car.
You can have it afterwards.
That way, nobody has to worry about it
so it doesn't become a big deal.
- But the whole thing is he wants to show him.
- He wants to show a bag of white powder to the President?
- This is my dad.
Still a pretty good view for dad, right?
(sirens blaring)
- Past the Biden house, here he comes, everybody.
(crowd cheers)
- I see it, that’s the limo.
- Yeah that’s it. - Here he comes.
- Donald, my dad wanted to be here.
He died of COVID.
He loved you so much.
That was incredible.
Dad, I'm so glad you could be here.
Oh my gosh.
Did you see my dad got to see that?
There it,
there it is.
See it, you see?
(Dale laughs)
- That's us.
- In a tweet from Donald Trump, can you believe that?
- There's me, there's Dale.
Derek and Dale were tweeted by Donald Trump.
- Can you imagine walking into Fox News and not
having them roll out the red carpet and give us a job?
(dramatic trumpet tones)
- I've been staying up late working on the demo tape
almost every night and it's going pretty great.
(electronic music)
- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale" demo tape.
- I'm Derek. - I'm Dale.
- Let's get right to it.
- Featuring investigative reports.
- You committed voter fraud, what'd you do?
- I voted twice for Trump.
- Talking to women. - Hi, Elizabeth.
- Hi, Dale. - Thank you.
- Gotcha interviews.
- Here's the thing, you keep predicting
all these things are gonna happen, it never happens.
- I gotcha.
- Are you serious, you're just walking out of here?
I don't think you are who you say you are.
- I'm Q.
- This is looking really good.
We basically have jobs already, they just have to see it.
- Burn the DVD, let's do it.
Pretty cool, right? - Yeah.
Fox News, here we come.
- Hey sweetheart, it's Derek.
I know we've got this custody hearing coming up.
I'd just really love to have you there.
So give me a call back when
you get this, Elizabeth Warren, I love you.
Dale, hey come on, we gotta get back to New York City.
We don't have time for this.
- Good morning, election day 2020.
America heads to the polls.
- All right, we're here in New York City
on election day, dropping off the demo tape.
- Dale, what is it?
Ivanka, this has been a crazy journey
but I've been doing it all for you.
We deserve this, we really do.
With a lot of hard work, the demo tape is done.
- That's right, we have our secret weapon.
We're going back to Fox News and we did everything
we could have wanted, so nothing can stop us now.
- You know what, you see that church?
I'm gonna use the bathroom. - Oh, okay?
Do you have to go right now?
- Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Okay. - I'm just gonna pee, okay?
- All right.
(anxious intermittent violin music)
This is kind of weird, right?
He's been in there for like 10 minutes
but he'll be out soon, he wouldn't miss this for the world.
He's been in there like an hour.
Could you give this to Suzanne Scott?
- I can't give that to her.
- I know but it's "The Derek and Dale" demo tape.
- I can't give it to her, nobody can give it to her.
- Can you give it to her?
- Read my lips, no one can give that to her.
So take it and throw it in the garbage.
- But Derek's gonna be so pissed.
- Well then Derek is fucking pissed then, I don't know.
- Ugh.
- Former Vice-President Joe Biden will win Pennsylvania and
Nevada to become the 46th President of the United States.
- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."
I'm Derek. - And I'm Dale.
- Let's get right to it.
- Well, it's been a crazy few days.
All the news networks said that Joe Biden won
the election but Donald Trump is refusing to concede.
- Frankly, we did win this election.
- And I just don't know what to think about it
but Derek's so good in these situations,
I just haven't seen him in a few days
since he went to use the bathroom.
- I've just become a member
of the Church of Scientology here in New York City
and it is really an exciting time in my life.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- I did miss the custody hearing but that's okay.
The Church said they have all the tools
I need to become really, really famous.
They said they might even put me
on a billboard in Times Square.
- Well Dale, there's been a lot of stuff in the news.
- Yes. - All right, let's go.
- Get this guy a stress test.
- Stress test? - Yeah.
- All right.
- Dale and I were trying to become successful
by reading "Art of the Deal" and listening to Donald Trump
when really we should have just been
reading "Dianetics" and listening to L. Ron Hubbard.
- No, why?
Why?
(hard rock music)
Oh, everyone's saying online that it's a cult.
They're just listening to one guy
like he knows everything, that's crazy.
Wait, do you think Derek is stuck in there?
Oh gosh, okay.
Derek, I'm coming for you.
Don't let them brainwash you, I'm on my way.
Hi, have you guys seen Derek?
Derek, you gotta get out of here.
You have to get outta here. - Come take a stress test.
- No, I don't want to take a stress test.
I don't want to take a stress test.
This place is a cult, everyone's listening to one person.
Nobody's free thinking for themselves.
Derek, you have to leave.
- Okay, you're being a suppressive person right now.
- No please, Derek.
Come on, do the podcast.
- I'm done with the podcast. - Please do the podcast.
- I'm done with the podcast. - Derek, please.
- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."
I'm Derek. - And I'm Dale.
Come on, let's get right to it, Derek please.
- I'm really sorry about him, let's get him out.
- I need you to leave, this is a cult.
- Will you help me get him out?
- Derek, please. - It's not a cult.
- We had a good thing going. - It's not a cult.
- Do you even remember "The Art of the Deal?"
- Get out of here. - Do you even remember?
- I'm so sorry. - This is a cult.
- What is your problem?
- You need to come back to the van.
- Don't ruin my life for me.
- This isn't you. - Yes it is.
This is me. - No, it's not.
- All you do is listen to what Donald Trump says.
Okay, you know what?
All you do is what L. Ron Hubbard says.
- L. Ron Hubbard is the smartest person who's ever lived.
- No he is not, okay? - I'm not putting that on.
- Wear the hat. - I'm not wearing the hat.
- Put it on.
- It doesn't matter what I wear, I'm still a Scientologist.
- I don't have to wear this stuff to be a Trump supporter.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
- I'm a Scientologist. - Derek, you're in a cult.
- You're in a cult. - You're in a cult.
I'm not stressed, you need to come back to the van.
- I'm so sorry about this, guys, this guy's insane.
- Derek, stop and come back to the van.
- I'm going back to the Church.
- You've gotta come back to the van.
- I'm going back.
- Scientology is a cult.
- You know what?
I'm proud.
I'm proud of my beliefs.
(steady tempo guitar strumming)
- Welcome to "The Dale and Dale Show," I'm Dale.
(Dale laughs)
- Tonight, President Trump refusing to admit defeat.
- You're gonna find fraud
of hundreds of thousands of votes per state.
- When you say there's no evidence.
- I've actually been doing a little research.
The votes that were in Georgia
were actually placed in China.
Why are the ballots made of bamboo fibers?
- So I'm on a billboard in Times Square.
All my dreams came true, I'm happy.
I'm not really good at the internet,
which is good because they keep telling me,
"Don't look at the internet."
- The only person that's looking out
for you is yourself and Donald Trump.
The Dominion Voting software was developed in Venezuela.
- At the direction of Hugo Chavez.
- I need to sign more people up
or I'm gonna go back in the hole.
- I don't want to be sad anymore because
you made me sad for so long but now I can just be mad.
- What we're doing at Scientology,
we are making the world great again.
(laughs)
- That's it for "The Dale and Dale Show."
(relaxed guitar music)
I'm here at the Donald Trump rally
and I just think it's gonna be incredible.
He's gonna be right here in a little while.
CNN does suck.
This is gonna be perfect for "The Dale and Dale Show."
(crowd cheers)
- Would you like to take a stress test?
- No, sorry. - Are you sure?
You just hold on.
You want a stress test?
You want some L. Ron Hubbard
in your veins, inject some of that?
Hey, do you know how to tie shoes?
Dale's my best friend in the whole world.
I love Dale, I love Dale.
- You're in a cult.
- There's a Galactic Warlord named Xenu
that put all of our, these souls into volcanoes
and $150,000 to get there, this is crazy.
Have you read any of this stuff?
Dale was right, this is a cult.
This whole thing, it's a cult.
It's a cult.
This whole thing's a cult, Dale was right.
Oh my god, Dale was right, Dale was right.
Oh my god, I'm in a fucking cult.
Ah, fuck.
(tense up tempo drumbeat)
Dale was right, Scientology is a cult.
I gotta find Dale, I gotta find Dale, Dale!
- Yeah, Donald!
(crowd cheers)
Donald Trump is here and this is gonna be awesome.
- Yeah!
Woo!
- Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the 45th President
of the United States, Donald J. Trump.
- This is gonna be the best episode ever of "The Dale and Dale Show."
USA.
Donald Trump.
(crowd cheers)
- Thank you very much for being here.
We did a great thing.
As we stand together in the rain,
it's supposed to bring luck, we'll take it, huh?
Thank you very much and I love you too.
- Thank you, we love you!
- Or I wouldn't have done this.
I wouldn't have done it but we're doing well.
Together, we will save our country
and that's what we're doing.
I see people with Trump stuff on
that never cared about a politician in their life.
Now they got the hat and the sash and the belt
and the shoes, the shoes, the shoes, the shoes.
- Yeah, I can't tie my shoes at all, at all, at all.
You're in a cult!
- We will stop the radical indoctrination of our students
and restore patriotic education to our schools.
We will teach our children to love our country, honor
our history and always respect our great American flag.
For years you had a President who apologized
for America, they couldn't do anything, it was all a mess.
- You're a cult leader.
Derek was right, admit it, Derek was right.
You're a cult leader! (crowd boos)
You're a cult leader!
Admit it, Derek was right, Derek was right.
Derek was right, Derek was right.
We can all just leave, we can all just leave.
We can all just leave, let's go.
He can't hurt us anymore, he can't hurt us.
- That guy, he's going home to his parents now.
He’s gonna be in big trouble.
(crowd cheers)
- It's a cult, it's a cult.
- You were on him,
this guy hadn't gotten the first word out.
That's the kind of guy I want working for me right there.
- It's a cult.
I gotta find Derek, I gotta find Derek.
(anxious light piano music)
We're just listening to this guy, he tells us what to do.
(phone rings)
- Come on Dale, pick up your phone.
How did I not see this? It's a cult.
(phone vibrating)
- This is Dale, you can find me wherever Trump is.
- President Trump says he will be at The Ellipse Park
here in D.C. at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow, January 6th
to continue claiming the election was stolen.
The crowd size based on permits
- This is Dale, you can find me wherever Trump is.
- Dale, it's Derek, let's get right to it.
Listen, you were right.
I was in a cult but you're in a cult too.
I know you're going to D.C.
and I'm coming to meet you there, okay?
My phone is about to die, Dale but I will meet you in D.C.
Don't do anything stupid, okay?
Ah, bit my tongue.
- Washington, okay.
- Welcome to Derek's voicemail, please leave a message.
- Come on, Derek.
Okay, I guess I'm meeting you in D.C.
(anxious electronic music)
- It's Wednesday, January 6th.
Thousands of President Trump's
supporters have gathered in Washington to protest.
Some Republicans say they will vote-
(electronic beeping)
- We're sorry, all circuits are busy now.
- Derek, where are you?
- I see lots of incels but no Dale.
- Is your phone working? - Nope.
- Hey, have you seen my best friend?
- There's so many people down that way and that way.
- Do we love Donald Trump?
(crowd cheers)
The people
who did nothing to stop the steal,
this gathering should send a message to them.
- He's like an incel, he's got like a weird mustache.
- Hey, have you seen, he's like tall?
- Bro, who are you?
- Derek, where are you?
- Let's have trial by combat.
- He's a little taller than me, no?
- Right here, we're gonna walk down to the Capitol
and we're probably not gonna be
cheering so much for some of them.
- I'm at the US Capitol and people have just
broken through the police and rushed the Capitol.
I really hope Derek didn't get mixed up
in any of this trying to find me.
Oh man, I gotta go find him.
- You better run, cops!
- USA, USA, USA. - Derek, where are you?
- USA, USA, USA.
Stop the steal, stop the steal, stop the steal.
- People are saying the Trump supporters
have been in the Capitol for about a half hour now.
I still haven't seen Dale, I just hope he's not in there.
(light anxious electronic music)
- Police have finally taken back
this section of the Capitol.
If you can take a look just right behind me,
you can see them clearing out
the final demonstrators and protestors.
- Both the House and the Senate will try
to reconvene at 8:00 p.m. Eastern to continue
the certification of the Electoral College vote.
- Where are you, Dale?
(sirens blaring) (somber violin music)
(dramatic trumpet music) Of course.
I'm coming for you, Dale.
I'm coming for you.
Dale.
- Derek.
- Dale.
- Derek.
- Dale.
(fireworks booming)
- I missed you so much. - I missed you too.
- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."
I'm Derek. - And I'm Dale.
- Let's get right to it.
(dramatic trumpet music)
I love you. - I love you too, Derek.
Put the mask in the bucket.
Sexy statue, gonna fuck it.
Current scumbag Joe Biden
Joe Biden his time.
Derek and Dale, one more time
(steady tempo hip hop music)
- What's up, guys? (laughs)
- Yeah, a lot's changed since the last time you guys saw us.
- Yeah, we're done with Trump.
- Done with Scientology.
- No more cults for us.
- Right now, we're just focusing all
of our energy on improv comedy here in New York City.
- That's right.
- Put your hands together for Derek and Dale.
(laughing) (scattered clapping)
- Welcome to "The Derek and Dale Show."
- I'm Dale. - I'm Derek.
Let's get right to it. - Let's get right to it.
- Dale has been talking to some girls in class.
- Yeah.
- Literally just talking and doing scenes with them.
Saying "Yes, and" to-
- To my whole life really.
I've never had such a smart dog before.
Say people words.
- People words.
(Derek panting)
- So when you start improv classes,
you have to buy book called "Dianetics,"
"Comedy Improvisation Manual."
A giant octopus man, boosh.
Pew.
- And we're here to fight the war.
- My dearest Maria.
- In personal news, I'm allowed to see my daughter again.
My wife has given me a couple hours visitation every month.
- One tiny hole in the umbrella.
And my dad comes to almost all of our shows.
So at the end of the day, I guess I do
kind of have a little bit of a relationship with him.
- We're done with Trump.
I mean, we'll make fun of Donald Trump with our comedy.
- We'll burn him pretty good.
- That's our show everybody, thank you guys so much.
(scattered clapping)
That was awesome, great job.
That was so funny. - That was really good.
- The part where you were-
- You got Elizabeth Warren's vote, it's gonna be a winner.
(crowd laughs)
No, no, no, no.
(scattered boos)
- Hey, that's my friend's fiance.
- I'm sorry.
(crowd laughs)
Where is he?
You know what, I was gonna go somewhere.
There’s just way too many cameras.
There was definitely an Indian joke in there somewhere.
- Don't worry, your dad loves you, Junior.
- Let me ask you a question.
When you're on the air,
do you have a couple drinks before you go on?
- Never.
- Because I watched you one time
and you were slurring your words a little bit.
- I was never slurring my words.
- When you were on your show on "Judge Jeanine,"
you were slurring your words a little bit.
- But that's what we liked about it.
- Because it's funny.
- This is what's fun about the show.
- He's saying that I was slurring my words.
- Well, just you've had a couple-
- You just had a couple drinks.
- Not at all, what's your name?
- Hello and welcome.
I'm here on January 6th and the biggest gathering
of losers in Washington D.C. in a long, long time.
Here's one now.
- I'm gonna have you take one of me.
- Yes sir, what would you say to Donald Trump
if you were talking to him right now?
- I'd say you're the greatest President
of our lifetime and I'm 65 and I've seen
a lot going on that is so false and fraudulent,
it sickens me
and I will die standing
in my boots as a patriot for this country.
If this goes wrong,
it's not gonna be good.
- There you have it.