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Before you say anything, I'm not your brother, I'm your half-brother.
What was that? Why would you begin a conversation like that?
Because you're about to ask me for money. When I always say,
"Why should I give you money?" you always say, "Because I am your brother."
And I never point out you're my half-brother. I never say it.
- But things happening around here, they-- - Hi, Paxton.
How are your erratic head movements?
I ask because I read an article.
Yeah, they're under control.
How's the, uh...
cement artwork?
She just sold a piece for 50,000 dollars.
A frozen waterfall.
- It felt appropriate for the times. - How is it appropriate for the times?
- You know, well, it doesn't matter. - I was actually calling to see how you were.
- Because I heard it's bad in New York. - It's bad.
They canceled the NBA.
We heard London's under total lockdown.
I've been furloughed, by the way.
- That's great. - Yeah.
Now there is literally zero purpose to my life.
- How's Linda? - Yeah, she's somewhere in the house.
Well, is there some type of issue?
Is there an issue? Let me see.
Convenient lie to avoid forensic examination of our domestic circumstances or tell the truth?
Okay, convenient lie.
No, there is no issue.
We are fine.
- Well, can you tell her I'm gonna Skype her? - Also, David, I've sold my motorbike.
- You've what? - I have a buyer.
He'll pay me when we are all unlocked
from this fucking prison of psychological hell-chains,
the fucking flames of burning aloneness.
The screw of isolation until you can't tell what is your body
and what is furniture.
No possibility of revving the engine and riding away.
Am I conveying anything of my mood to you?
Why have you sold your bike?
You are your bike, your bike is you.
Yeah, I have sold myself.
I have sold my former self.
I felt sorry for the bike.
It deserved someone who can do justice to its spirit.
Someone who still breaks the fucking rules.
So you and-- You and Linda, what? You had a fight.
Linda said she was planning to end our thing.
Our relationship, our...
whatever this ever was, because we've grown apart.
Meaning that she had gone up and I have gone down.
She planned to end it before lockdown was announced.
In our conversation, there were a lot of droplets
and moisture because we were shouting.
I said some things and she said some things
and now we are stuck here together with the things we said
echoing around the house like fucking bells ringing.
For two weeks we are locked together here.
Anyway, truth be told, I just wanted to hear someone's voice.
And you chose us?
Yeah, why not?
- What happened to Mike? Your friend Mike? - Oh, no, no.
Uh, Mike and I are no longer speaking. He crossed-- It's my delivery.
He crossed an important threshold when he said that the Covid virus
was the consequence of the secret release by Jews of alien DNA
into the water sprinkling system of a Chinese golf resort.
It looks like your food has arrived, so we'll let you go.
It's not food, it's a sandwich.
Yeah, hang in, brother.
- Half-brother. - Tell Linda I'm gonna call her.
Yeah, I'll leave her a note just to compound the oddness.
...the stark reality of fighting coronavirus.
From Roundhay Park in Leeds, one of the biggest in Europe,
almost deserted, to Trafalgar Square in London, usually crowded.
Evidence of social distancing in action.
In this critically important time, Prime Minister Boris Johnson,
himself infected, has been sharing...
Maria, hey, is everything okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, everything's great. You know, we're staying strong.
Yeah, we just talked to Paxton.
Mm. Yes, I heard, some of it.
I put a pillow over my head.
He said you had symptoms.
They passed, I think. I hope. I don't know.
Oh, green smoothie.
You must send me that recipe.
It's not a recipe, it's an action.
You just put the green stuff in, press the on button.
How are things with you and Paxton? Is everything okay?
You know everything is not okay.
Not only is everything not okay, nothing is okay.
And everything is never okay. Even his name is not okay.
This is him speaking.
He says even his name is a predictor of doom.
That's how he is lately.
Oh, he's changed so much.
Oh, we all change. I mean, Linda, you've evolved.
He's mutated. He needs some help.
- I read an article... - He said the other day that any man over 35
- who rides a bus is a failure. - Things aren't okay with David and I.
- He rides the bus. He does it to torture himself. - David thinks things are okay.
No man is fully conscious, not really. I heard he's selling his motorbike.
That's a big step.
Yeah, we agreed he needed some time,
so he was planning on using the money from the bike to go to Kazakhstan
to think about his life.
Why Kazakhstan?
We went on a road trip there ten years ago.
Ten years ago?
- A million years ago. - Oh, God.
Anyway, now he's stuck here and I'm stuck here.
Linda, is there someone else?
Nope, just me and him.
No, I mean like another man?
No.
Or a woman?
What?
I was just speculating.
Thinking about that night we came to London and you and I went too far.
Oh, that was just weed and curiosity.
We both had orgasms, Linda.
You know, they say these calls aren't really the most secure.
I think about that night sometimes.
- You do? - Yeah, don't you?
Mm, listen, Maria. I have been on Skype and Zoom calls all day.
The office is locked down. I really gotta get some sleep.
- Okay, bye. - Bye-bye.
I love you.
What?
God.
Paxton? Are you going somewhere?
- Where would I be going? - Why is the hose in the exhaust?
I was just...
Oh, I was just gonna take a selfie.
Someone at work texted me and asked how I was coping with lockdown.
I was gonna send a photo of myself
with a hose shoved up my helmet by way of reply.
I thought it'd be funny.
An amusing expression of despair.
You were really just gonna take a selfie?
- I had the phone in my hand, didn't I? - You weren't gonna start the engine?
And go where? You can't go anywhere.
I came in here and I could--
I could smell the garage and the bike, and the smell, it...
It made me very sad for some reason.
That shelf's covered in oil. You're gonna get your ass covered in oil.
Jesus, what a day.
Bad?
No, just work.
I had some bad news, nothing compared to...
everything.
I really was just gonna take a selfie, by the way.
By the way, just so you know, in case you were worried.
Oh, just-- Just a little game.
Or a rehearsal.
You know, I'm not... Please don't think I'm looking for anything.
- Any emotion. - Maria just called and said she loves me.
- What? - I know.
Secrets coming out all over the place. You have the key to get back in?
No.
I'll leave the door open for you.
What's wrong?
You playing with hoses and exhausts and we carry on as if everything was normal.
I'm not normal lately, I know that.
I haven't been sleeping
at all.
I mean, I've never been normal, but... I used to be quite proud of it.
Now I just...
- Just what? - I don't know.
Now I'm just acutely aware of the inconvenience it causes.
My superanalysis of every grain of sand.
Every word.
Being locked up is making it worse.
We have to find some way of getting through this separately.
We're only together because we're in the same house.
We can sort of move around each other until we're free.
- What? What is it? - No, nothing.
Good night.
There's a bit of Christmas decoration.
It's been there since Christmas.
My therapist says I should try to tolerate it, to use it as a test.
Up until now I've been able to live with it as a test to prove my progress.
Well, fuck progress. Why don't you take it down?
- These tests-- - My therapist says I--
Fuck the therapist.
- Paxton-- - Well, you almost did.
Grow up. Take it down. If it bothers you, take it down.
Christmas is not exactly a great memory, anyway.
Christmas is not a great memory, I agree with you.
It was the beginning of the end for us.
That was way before Christmas for me.
Sorry.
Why do people think honesty is good?
What are you doing about therapy, anyway?
I'm doing it on Zoom.
My therapist has antlers on his wall.
These are extraordinary circumstances, Paxton.
You can't live with a woman who's dumped you and tinsel on the ceiling.
- Have we decided to laugh about all this? - Why not?
There's nothing else we can do there. Do you want a chair?
Sure.
Bravo.
Fuck!
- Hang on. - That's better.
You know, when I saw you in the garage, I thought...
was it really me on the back of your bike all those years ago?
Yeah, it was you.
Hanging on and screaming.
Well, that's what I'm doing now, hanging on and screaming,
but you can't hear me.
Nobody can. Anyway, good night.
Screaming about what?
What are you screaming about?
I'm the one that's screaming!
Hello, stranger.
Hi.
How are you?
Terrible, you?
Awful.
Hello.
Does anyone here on our lovely Portland Street prison
want to hear a little poem?
I read a lot of poetry.
And I've read even more lately 'cause I can't sleep.
It's actually a nice way to discover that you're not the only human being on Earth who's fucked up.
Paxton!
What the fuck are you doing?
I'm entertaining our fellow inmates.
This poem is called "Stand Up!"
It's by D. H. Lawrence, by the way.
By the way, just so you know, in case you were worried.
All right, here goes.
Stand up, but not for Jesus!
It's a little late for that.
Stand up for justice and a jolly life.
I'll hold your hat.
Stand up, stand up for justice, Ye swindled little blokes!
Stand up and do some punching, Give 'em a few hard pokes.
Stand up for a new arrangement
For a chance of life all round
For freedom, and the fun of living
Break in, and hold the ground!
Thank you.
Well, sorry if I woke you.
But I am going slightly mad lately.
My advice to, uh, to everyone
is to use these strange times we're all going through
to steal all the things that you think life owes you.
- Go to sleep, you bloody tosser! - Yeah, well, if I could, I would.
Hey, let him be, mate!
And if I come across any other good poems, I'll share it.
Yeah, we love it!
- Good night, Portland Street. - Good night, mate!
Thank you!
God, please let me sleep.
There's so many.
- What are you laughing at? - Don't know.
- There's so many poppies. - Let's pick.
- Lily! I'm going. - Shh!
- Stop making so much noise. - You're being so noisy, I swear.
What the fuck are you doing in my garden?
We weren't, like, robbing you. We were just gathering these.
They're just poppies.
The bulbs of poppies.
All the dealers in our estate have been arrested
because they're the only people out on the streets, isn't it?
With these poppy bulbs, you can make this, um, sort of opium.
You just slit the skins and juice comes out.
How'd you know they were here?
Well, we live in that tower block up there, bruv. Friend of ours has a telescope.
He's into stars and shit.
We've been looking down on houses for a laugh.
Looking through windows and that. Then we saw these growing in your garden.
What the fuck are they all doing growing in my garden?
I think hippies used to squat in these houses in the '70s.
- Didn't they grow them and they just went wild? - Yeah.
- How do you refine the juice? - You don't.
You just drip it onto tobacco and then smoke it.
Or you can mix it with Coca-Cola if you want and drink it.
Yeah, well, I don't smoke anymore.
Or drink Coca-Cola or do drugs of any kind.
But back in the bad old days, I did smoke quite a lot of heroin.
This is not as strong as heroin.
It's quite a gentle hit.
It's organic, bruv.
- Organic? - Yeah.
That would explain the hedgehog.
There's a hedgehog in this garden who's unusually friendly and relaxed.
Would a very small amount
help you sleep, do you think?
You'll sleep like a baby. It smooths everything out.
There's no mean voices in the night.
No mean voices in the night. That would be nice.
Well, well, well.
Paxton!
Paxton, for fuck's sake!
Hey, Toby.
- Oh. - Hey, how's the cough?
A bit better, I think. How are you?
I had it, I think.
But it's passed, I hope.
It's like a Valkyrie.
A what?
It's a Viking spirit who, before battles, decides who will live and who will die.
Valkyries...
uh, make their choices with no reason.
No morality, no good or bad. It--
It's so unfair how some people get so sick and some don't.
Toby, you're back. How are you?
Gangster, thank you.
Hello.
Donald.
You got a tie on.
It's one of my father's old ones.
I've become nostalgic for old-fashioned formality.
On these Zoom things, I always imagine every man has an erection.
- Donald, is that your house? - Uh, no. I'm at my mother's.
Uh, Anthony threw me out.
That's not allowed, is it?
Ah, we had an awful night.
Everything came out.
We found out we hate each other, so...
Hi!
Uh-- Melissa, hey, how is Italy?
I hear it's bad there.
No, I'm in Sweden.
What?
Look.
You can go to bars here.
Mm. Is anybody obeying the rules?
After ten years sober, that was fucking smart.
Wait, who are we waiting for?
Timothy, I think.
Oh, is Timothy okay?
Why wouldn't he be?
Well, he's got an underlying health condition.
Do you know which one?
No. He just seems like the sort of person
who'd have an underlying health condition of some sort.
Shall we just start without Timothy?
By the way, I am also wearing shoes.
Seriously, we should start. I have something to say. Something important.
Oh, um, hang on, it's--
Oh, it's a message from Timothy. Uh...
God.
Has he got it?
"Dear Linda, as of 9 a.m. this morning,
I am resigning my position at Miracore Media with immediate effect.
I have had time alone to think and I have realized that what this company does
is self-indulgent media bullshit supporting corrosive international capitalism
around the world.
We should be using our creativity to save the planet,
not sell handbags to the wives of fascist dictators.
Yours in isolation,
Timothy."
Just been...
watching David Attenborough documentaries, I imagine.
He snapped.
Okay, so there's no need to wait for Timothy. Let's get this done.
Sounds awfully grave, Linda.
- Daddy? Can we play cars? - Shh. Daddy's on a call.
Just, um-- Just not now.
Yesterday, I had a very long Zoom call with head office in Chicago.
All of the continents were represented.
And it seems that all over the world,
the company is facing the same issues at this difficult time.
As CEO of Miracore U.K., it is my...
unfortunate duty to let you know
that there will be some furloughing of employees across the board...
and also a number of compulsory redundancies effective from today.
I assume the, uh...
Inuit system of leaving the old on the ice will be in play.
Donald, please don't jump to conclusions.
Linda, what do you mean?
In normal times, I would have gathered everyone
- into a room and I-- - Everyone?
Everyone on this Zoom call is on this call
because all of your positions have been deemed no longer sustainable.
As of today, your contracts of employment with Miracore will be terminated.
Okay.
I'm glad I'm home. I'm going to feed the fucking chickens.
This is really bad, Linda. How do you sleep?
Hello?
Hello.
Look at my dinosaur.
Daddy.
Malcolm, I thought being furloughed meant that the government pays your wages
but you don't do any work.
Yeah, it does.
But Covid makes everything different. It's so sad.
So sad.
All of this is impacting on everyone in my pastoral care.
Yeah, but I'm not in your pastoral care, right? I work for you.
And all I wanna know is, if I am furloughed, why are you asking me to work?
- It's illegal, isn't it? - I'm a Christian man.
We all know that you are a Christian man.
You say it like I ram it down your throats.
I do not ram it down your fucking throat.
Malcolm, just tell me, what is it you want me to do?
We have a situation, Paxton.
I am leaving this call unless you tell me, all right?
- I sat through your prayer. - I begin every FaceTime with a prayer.
My choice, right? I'm the boss.
Yeah, you are the boss.
So, what do you want me to do, boss?
Due to lockdown, all the major department stores in the West End are closing.
B2B Pro Freight Services are among several freight companies
which have been asked to transport valuable retail items
from the West End outlets
to secure storage facilities in shitholes like Dagenham.
The fabric, Paxton, of our society is torn. You see that.
Fears of rioting and looting.
Pestilence.
Apocalyptic words.
I'm giving you ten seconds to tell me what it is you want me to do.
- Because of the crisis, we need drivers. - Ten, nine...
- Drivers like you. - ...eight, seven...
- Stores will only allow goods to be transported... - ...six, five...
- ...by drivers who do not have criminal records. - ...four, three, two--
I'll repeat.
B2B Pro Freight Services have urgent need for drivers registered to us
who do not have criminal records.
So why are you talking to me?
I've contracts to carry valuables from 16 department stores across London.
They all want everything out in the next four days.
And I only have two fucking drivers.
So, what's your solution?
Deception.
Forgiveness.
Redemption.
- Bunce. - Fuck is Bunce?
Old East End word for cash, Paxton.
In return for grand deception.
Facilitated by my forgiveness and your redemption.
Get there, Malcolm, get there.
I've printed off an ID with a security level A-2, clean, with your photo on it and a name.
It's not your name.
I can't officially take you off furlough and give you this work,
because you used to be a bike slag.
I'll have to pretend you're someone else and pay you in cash.
You've worked for this company as a driver for seven years,
I've never had a complaint.
You've only driven low-value packages, but I believe you are a man who can be trusted.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah, I can be trusted.
- What happened was a long time ago. - I don't wanna know.
No, it was biker versus biker.
The Lord forgives. B2B Pro Freight Services forgives.
If it wasn't for the convictions from that night, my life would be radically different.
Two hundred a day in cash.
I don't care about the cash. I wanna make a deal with you, Malcolm.
I will do this on the condition that when this is all over,
you will consider me for a clerical position.
My entire life has been fucked up because of things I did on one night.
All right? My wife-- My wife has grown out of me
because I am still Mr. Fuck-All behind the wheel of a van,
but I am not stupid.
I read poetry.
I could be someone.
I have another call. It's a very busy time. The West End's going mad. Will you do it?
All right, if I do this for you, Malcolm,
I want you to practice what you preach, about forgiveness
and lost sheep and redemption,
all of it, and give me a chance to come off the road.
Everything is possible, Paxton. God bless you.
Selfridges Thursday, Harvey Nichols Friday,
- Harrods on Saturday. - Yeah.
I will e-mail you a full itinerary and your new identity.
Okay, okay, and after, after Harrods on Saturday...
God bless you, Paxton.
Shit.
Hey, Linda.
How's lockdown?
It's pretty bad.
How's Chicago?
I'm in Vermont. I moved the family out to Vermont.
We're all here,
crazy happy.
Kids make a lot of noise, so I got these, uh, new AirPods Pro.
Noise-canceling. They work. Like, you literally can't hear anything.
- Yeah. - No, I don't have those.
I can see in your face that you spoke to the guys at Events
and delivered the update.
Update? Yeah. Yeah, I updated them.
Did you read them my message?
The stuff about the "Miracore family"?
No. I didn't think that would translate.
Linda, I wrote that message from the heart.
I really meant what I said.
And I just-- I can't believe you didn't read it out to them.
I didn't think it was appropriate to say that Miracore is a family
and there comes a time in every family's life
when it's best if some family members fly the nest.
- Why is that not appropriate? - They're not flying the nest, are they?
They're being...
thrown out of the nest into the long grass under the tree.
There's no tree in-- What tree?
It's your nest, Guy.
You came up with the analogy of the nest, so there has to be a tree.
Do you have a temperature, Linda?
Um, there are two big events which were set up when lockdown began.
One was at Westfield.
The other one was the Eve Schwarz store takeover at Harrods.
- Westfield and Harrods have closed their door. - I love Harrods.
Yeah, I love Harrods too. I worked there five years, the happiest of my life.
Anyway, the launch of Eve Schwarz collection was gonna be huge,
so I chose Harrods because of its size and level of security.
You chose? I thought Melissa was head of Events Strategy.
Yeah, well, sometimes I questioned her choi-- Yeah, it doesn't matter.
You've been carrying that department a long time.
Yeah, well, they were family, weren't they? That's what you do with family.
You carry them until you get a direction from Chicago to drop them,
and then you dutifully drop them.
Anyway, at Harrods we have five million dollars'
worth of jewelry, clothing and accessories
already installed for the catwalk and store takeover under Miracore liability.
That includes the Harris diamond, which was to be the centerpiece of the show.
The Harris diamond is under our insurance liability?
It's, um... It's safe in the Harrods secure vault, but yes.
I suggested to the people at Eve Schwarz that we put everything
into Harrods' secure storage as quickly as possible until this, um...
Uh, until this situation is ended.
But we have a problem with insurance, you see, that...
So Eve Schwarz's insurance policy means that they're not allowed
to store their merchandise except under their corporate supervision,
so the merchandise will have to be taken out of the store in secure transportation.
Anyway, the stores are allocating for collection.
We have Westfield on Friday, Harrods on Saturday.
And then we discuss your role and your salary.
Gonna be a lot of new responsibilities.
Things are changing.
That's...
excellent news, thank you.
Say hello to London.
- Enjoy Vermont. - You bet.
Oh, gee.
Whoa-- Oh, fuck.
Quinn.
I'm going to the land of the walking dead to buy milk. Do we need anything else?
I say the word "we" without any attempt to suggest a unified entity,
but there's no point in us both going separately to get our own provisions.
It's getting rough out there.
And increasingly, I think, people like me who have spent time in real prison
are thriving in this new reality.
You know what, Paxton, fuck it. Come in!
All right, Paxton, here it is. In addition to milk...
I need cigarettes.
What?
I was trying to hide that I'm smoking again,
but since we're no longer together, it doesn't matter, does it?
You are smoking?
Yes, I plan to carry on just until this thing is over.
It's magnificent, actually.
And when did you start smoking again?
Just before Christmas.
Why?
I started smoking again when I went to Paris.
You went to Paris?
I went to Paris. I didn't tell you I went to Paris.
- Michael Essien invited me to Paris and I went. - Okay.
My therapist identifies these moments as "confession avalanche."
Who the fuck is Michael Essien?
He's the founder of Miracore, seventh wealthiest man in Germany.
- And you went to Paris with him? - Not quite.
He invited the CEOs from six countries to come to Paris
for his 60th birthday celebration.
You mind if I light this thing? I've put it out twice--
You know what, actually, it's my choice and I'm not even asking.
When I got to the hotel, there was this banqueting suite
and I met the six other CEOs just like me.
Only I had just become a CEO, so I didn't realize exactly who I was
until I saw the other CEOs, and then, I was like:
So that's who I am now."
We sat around this table drinking champagne.
And the conversation was lots of little voices saying, "Yes,"
and one big voice saying, "Good."
Michael Essien's voice.
And then the big voice said "emerging markets," and I--
Know how sometimes when people say something abstract, I actually see it?
We did smoke a lot of weed in the bad old days.
When he said "emerging markets," I saw this...
thing, this shape,
appearing from under the table and swimming around our legs,
and I think I actually did have a temperature that night.
But anyway, then he said "cigarettes and pharmaceuticals,"
and I drank some champagne, and someone said "facilitators,"
that is, people who persuade governments that products are safe and okay.
And the big voice said that facilitators were now a huge link in the chain,
and I saw this big chain dripping seaweed.
And then the big voice raised a toast to corruption,
and everybody laughed ironically, including me.
Paxton, look at me.
And this thing, this shape, it was swimming around my fucking legs.
And then the big voice said emerging markets were now some big percentage of Miracore's profits
and so there would have to be rationalization in Europe,
and I drank some water because I felt sick but also like I might pass out.
Then the waiter said, "Brandy?" so I said, "Yes." And so...
the rationalization was planned right there at that table in Paris before Christmas,
and the nice people that I fired earlier today?
They weren't fired because of a virus, like I told them.
That was a lie.
They were fired because of this thing,
this shape that swam with me all the way back to my room,
and then to get rid of it, I used a disgusting glass swan
to smash a full-length mirror.
Rather than walk across broken glass all night, I decided to take the last train home to London.
When I got to the Gare du Nord station, a homeless woman asked me for a cigarette.
I told her I didn't smoke, but I decided to buy her a pack
because I thought that some kindness might make me feel better
about what I had become.
And when she lit her cigarette, I decided to have a cigarette too.
And when I drew in the smoke, the thing stopped swimming.
So I sat down on a bench...
and I waited for my train.
And that is why I started to smoke again.
But...
to complete the answer to your original question,
in addition to milk and cigarettes, we need bread.
And fucking wine.
God.
God what?
It sounds like you did have a temperature.
They say this thing was around before Christmas.
Paxton, no, it's not about the virus.
It's about me realizing who I am and what I do for a living.
Although a complete reexamination of one's life does seem to be a Covid side effect.
- You smashed a mirror? - Yeah.
Yeah, because I was in it.
I also smashed a champagne bottle, some glasses,
and I was about to smash a glass horse and jockey, but then I decided to keep it.
But then I left it on the fucking train.
Basically, I went what you used to call "full Viking."
In fact, when I broke the mirror and I saw my furious face in the cracked glass,
I thought of you.
Oh, that's very sweet, thank you.
Why didn't you tell me?
It was the onset of winter.
Our winter.
And anyway, I didn't tell anybody,
because if you don't tell anybody, then it didn't happen.
- Did you get a bill for the mirror? - Paxton.
Paxton, fuck the mirror. Fuck the-- It's not about the mirror. It's about--
Previously, at this point...
I would've hugged you.
No, really, there's no need.
And anyway, you're going shopping, so, uh, milk, bread, wine, cigarettes.
- And probably eggs. - I'm gonna put white flour on the list.
I'm gonna make bread.
Please don't.
You know...
what you just said, you know, wasn't a confession.
I didn't say it was a confession.
- 'Cause you didn't do anything wrong. - Hey, I said, no, it was an explanation.
You did everything right.
You wanna hear a confession?
This morning, I overslept because last night...
I took opium.
Yes.
Much worse than your cigarettes.
I licked opium off little green bulbs from the garden.
Yes, I did. Our garden is full of heroin.
Beyond the washing line, it's like the Helmand Province.
After ten years, Paxton?
Well, smoking isn't so great either.
You know, and I've had some setbacks lately.
Yeah, you know what, Paxton? That green smoothie I have in the morning?
Since Paris, there's two shots of vodka in it.
- Just two, but-- - You're lying.
No, I'm not.
Not every morning, but some mornings I do it, I have.
You know, you think I'm so happy and normal.
It's because I keep getting promoted. People get confused.
I'd never accuse you of being happy and normal.
'Cause I'm not!
All right? I see... concepts.
I should have been an artist.
You are unhappy in an outwardly happy "Let's pretend it's all fine" female way,
and I am unhappy in an obviously thwarted, unfulfilled, castrated male way.
No, I can't go down this road again, okay?
Just go to the store.
Milk, bread, wine, cigarettes, eggs.
Yeah, and fuck you, I'm buying flour.
Fine. Wait, do you have a mask?
No, I don't have a mask.
Well, you have to tie something around your mouth and nose.
Fuck.
- My old bandanna. - Hmm.
Yeah, well, it's no longer a symbol of rebellion.
It's now government advice.
You were wearing that when I met you in Sturgis, South Dakota.
I thought you looked like a desperado.
- I was trying to get the dust out of my mouth. - Don't spoil it.
Don't forget the milk and the eggs, desperado.
Oi! Move forward!
Go ahead, then!
Fuck off.
- Wait, how many asses have you got? - Fuck off.
Paxton?
Hearing the story about Paris out loud, it made me think...
when lockdown's over, I'm gonna think about leaving Miracore.
Why are you telling me?
You called?
Oh, Lord, who art in Heaven, I beseech you,
look favorably upon Paxton and myself and forgive us the sin of deception
which we are jointly about to commit in pursuit of his ultimate redemption. Amen.
Amen.
Every prayer is tailored to suit the person I'm calling.
Either it's me writing the words or it's Jesus.
What do you want, Malcolm?
I've got your fake ID sorted.
Virginia is delivering the ID card.
I wanted to make sure you'd be in.
You know what, Malcolm? Everybody's in.
And I've sent you your new name.
I texted it to you. It's on your phone.
Okay.
A new name for the beginning of a new life.
And my new name is...
Edgar Allen Poe.
Yeah.
Yeah. Uh...
- Malcolm, I obviously can't use this name. - Why not?
I'm hoping this is a joke, but I know you, so it's probably not.
What joke?
Okay.
Edgar Allan Poe is the name of a famous, like, a...
Like, a very famous American novelist and poet.
Never heard of him.
Well, I assure you Edgar Allan Poe is actually a very famous American writer
I'm actually very fond of.
It was me that came up with "Edgar." It's my granddad's name.
- So who came up with the "Allen Poe" part? - Martin in Dispatch.
Fuck.
Martin in Dispatch hates me.
He's deliberately suggested this to make my life strange and unbearable.
Well, the card's already been laminated.
Malcolm, I can't go into expensive department stores in the West End, all right,
and expect them to entrust me with valuable clothing and jewelry
and tell them that my name is Edgar Allen fucking Poe!
If he's so famous, how come I've never heard of him?
- 'Cause you don't read books! - I read the good book.
He's not in the Bible, obviously. He's American.
Anybody here ever heard of a writer called Edgar Allan Poe?
- Oh, for fuck's sake. - No?
No one. There you go.
I know there's no one there. They're all working from home.
- Martin's here. - This was his idea!
Well, the card's already been laminated.
All right, look, I grant you that 90% of the security guards
working the night shift in the West End would not have heard of Edgar Allan Poe.
Basically dealing with robots.
But I'm an unlucky person.
Fate has a way of doing these little experiments on me.
Card's already laminated
and Martin has a new name badge made for your uniform.
It's all in the envelope.
By some chance, choosing the name
of a gloomy, introspective peddler of darkness
is actually quite appropriate to my character, but please...
just get me a new card under a different name.
The robots don't give a fuck about the name. They just look at the photo.
You are due at Selfridges' Loading Bay B at 1800 hours tonight.
Wear your uniform with your name tag.
- Flash your ID. - I...
Look, if you want to back out, say so now.
I can't get into trouble again.
This could be construed as, uh, deception and attempted robbery.
You counted me down.
I'll count you down, you fucker.
Five, four, three, two...
Fuck. All right, I'll do it.
Good.
Details are on the text.
God bless you, Paxton.
No need to sign. I know him.
You his other half?
Yes, I am.
He's so dry, isn't he?
Yes, he is.
Hello, Paxton.
I was just saying you're very funny.
Yes, I am, I'm hilarious.
We think he's too clever to be driving vans.
We don't know why he doesn't get a better job.
Oh, that's easy.
It's 'cause ten years ago
I beat a man senseless in a bikers' roadhouse in Watford.
See?
He's always saying silly things.
He's so dry.
Give my regards to Martin, would you, Virginia?
Tell him this won't be forgotten.
Okay. See you when the madness is over.
Yeah, well, for some of us, the madness never ends.
Never forget, the man you beat senseless deserved it.
Please don't talk about people deserving things.
If it wasn't for you, a man called Archie Bruce would be dead.
- You'll be talking about justice next. - I know that you had a bad break.
- But going forward-- - "Going forward"?
When lockdown is over and we are apart,
you have to stop believing that fate is against you.
You have to stop believing the name Paxton is a precursor of doom.
Well, my name isn't Paxton.
Yeah.
You can't go through with this. You're gonna get caught.
If you're doing it for cash, I'll give you the cash.
I'm not doing it for the cash.
I'm doing it for the opportunity to have a better life.
But why am I telling you?
Fuck.
Fuck them.
And Linda seemed kind of detached from the whole thing.
Detached?
- Hi, Linda. - We were talking about you.
We were saying that we love that you're always so professional.
Sorry, detached from what whole thing?
I was saying you handled the situation with Events
without too much feeling getting in the way.
You fired them well.
I did.
Thank you. Good.
Linda?
Is that a glass of wine?
Oh, yes, yeah, it is.
Well... it says wine on the label, but it tastes like something
used to clean something off of a surface.
- Paxton chose it. - Who's Paxton?
Mm. Anyway, we have a problem.
So shall we get on?
Hello, Martin.
Hello, Edgar.
You know, from my observation of you since I joined the company,
you represent the longest
and most well-managed nervous breakdown in history.
Why don't you go somewhere warm and count your grievances?
I've disinfected the van for you.
Everything you need is in there.
You know, when Malcolm told me he was giving you an A-2 security clearance,
I advised him against it.
B2B normally keep lowlifes like you away from high-value cargo for a reason.
Temptation.
You forgot to put the keys to the van inside the envelope, Martin.
I read your human-resources profile.
My personal record is meant to be confidential.
But for your personal record, Martin, I'm a different person now.
- Give me the fucking keys. - Perhaps Malcolm didn't tell you.
The estimated value of tonight's cargo out of Selfridges is 50,000 pounds.
The value of your collection from Harvey Nichols on Friday
is just under 100,000 pounds.
But on Saturday night, when you go to Harrods,
you'll be driving away from the world's most glamorous department store
with jewelry and accessories in your van worth over three million pounds.
Now think on this.
You'll be wearing a mask and gloves.
You'll be using a false identity. Outside, the streets will be empty.
Store security on quarter staff with big holes caused by absences.
What more could a lowlife need to pull off the perfect robbery?
- You refer to me as "lowlife" one more time... - You'll what?
Revert to type?
Okay, here it goes.
One more time.
Lowlife.
You know, Malcolm told me that if you do okay in the next few nights,
he's gonna put you in Customer Services.
Going out and meeting clients.
Because you're so funny and you're so dry and you make the girls laugh.
Whereas I've been stuck in Dispatches for seven and a half years.
You have to stop thinking the whole world's against you, Martin.
Do it, Paxton.
Take the opportunity that fate has given you.
Exactly how much product do Eve Schwarz have in Harrods?
Approximately three million pounds. Jewelry and accessories.
Harrods wants everything out, and it's our responsibility.
Oh. You're frozen, Linda.
- Can you hear me? - Yeah, I can hear you.
It's just your face is frozen with this look of exasperation.
Because someone's gonna have to go into Harrods
and pack the valuables up and check the inventory
and count everything out, and it's gonna have to be someone that we trust.
Someone who is familiar with the stock and knows how the Harrods system works.
So that means, inevitably, it's gonna be me, isn't it?
Okay, but there's this 'nother second reason for this call.
Michael Essien has decided he wants to give you a promotion.
He wants to bring you home. Back to New York to run the East Coast.
- Wow, God. Um... - Exciting.
An unexpected turn of events and cheap wine don't pair well together.
I'm gonna have to, uh, really think about this.
Um, all right, good night.
- Yeah, thank you, I mean, I think... - Good night. Linda, it's excit--
"A frozen look of exasperation."
And that is his second son, Carl Philipp Emanuel Bach,
and here's his Symphony No. 4.
After our call last night, we became worried about Paxton's state of mind.
We're worried that he might implode or explode.
He'll probably implode rather than explode.
- What's the difference? - When you implode, you withdraw.
When you explode, you impose yourself on the world.
David, for example, when he gets angry, he implodes.
When I get angry, I explode.
- I can also explode if I have to. - Rarely.
- You've never seen me in business meetings. - I have, since lockdown.
- You've heard me. You haven't seen me. - Okay. I haven't heard you explode.
I've actually been very surprised about how submissive you are in meetings.
- Submissive? - You're the boss, David.
You should act like the boss.
Anyway, just to reassure you, Paxton's okay.
In fact, Paxton may be getting a promotion.
Linda, are you-- Are you drinking alone?
No, I've got three firemen waiting for me in the kitchen.
Since lockdown, David has been drinking so much more.
Yes. David, isn't it wonderful?
We now keep a record. We count the bottles.
- I don't care. - Your body cares.
Your body counts the bottles and keeps an inventory in your liver.
David, my fellow drinker, I'd like to tell you a secret.
What secret?
You know, Linda, there have been many occasions in my life
where I've had a few glasses of wine, and the next morning,
I've woke up like, "Golly, wow, I wish I hadn't have said that."
Oh, I've done that so many times too.
You know, my mantra is "Secrets and wine don't go great together."
- Let her tell me the secret. - He's gonna like the secret.
- You're gonna like the secret. - No. You don't know. He might not.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - He might not be in a place where it's okay.
He watches Fox.
It is I who am buying Paxton's motorbike.
What?
When he said he was selling it, I arranged a dealer to buy it anonymously.
I'm gonna buy it and give it back to him.
A parting gift.
For a while I've known I had to leave him, but...
But losing the bike, yeah, that's just-- That's too much.
And the bike means something to me too, you know?
Youth.
Cigarettes.
Bad...
bad wine chosen by Paxton.
Wow, that's...
- That's awesome. - Here's the thing, David.
I want you to tell him it's you who's buying the bike and giving it back.
I don't want him to know that it's me.
Why?
It'll hurt him less.
He really is quite prehistoric.
I'm a bit drunk and I hate people who get emotional on these things, so.
Fuck.
Making noise for the NHS!
Thank you, NHS!
We've got Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 3.
Thank you!
- Couldn't sleep. - Mm.
If the wine didn't work, go and lick the garden.
How was it tonight?
Every other security person I met was under the age of 12.
And every one of them was too busy playing Fortnite to fully acknowledge my ID.
Anyway, I think for the young generation, great literature is dead.
- Hmm. - I could have had ID card
with "William Shakespeare" on it.
How many more pickups do you have?
Um, tomorrow Harvey Nichols and then Saturday Harrods.
- Harrods? Saturday night? - It's all gone mad out there.
You know, one of the security guards was telling me about
franchise managers are taking out diamond rings and watches in plastic bags
and getting into Ubers.
What are you taking out of Harrods?
I don't know.
Martin says it's over three million pounds' worth.
No codrivers 'cause of Covid.
Carrying it to where?
Uh, docket says Heathrow, 10:00 flight to New York.
Harrods to Heathrow Saturday night, three million pounds, 10:00 flight.
Look. There's the hedgehog.
Oh, no, he's gone.
Ah, he's gone.
How was your evening?
Okay. Um, Paxton, here it is.
You can't do that pickup at Harrods on Saturday.
- You really can't. - What are you talking about?
Okay, do you remember once I asked you, "Do you believe in God?"
and you said that you believe that he's busy on another project
but occasionally he puts his head around the door?
I think this may be one of those occasions.
God or fate or the virus or somebody put our paths on the cross.
On Saturday, I will be in Harrods packing up the cargo
that you are due to carry.
Fuck.
What are you talking about? I...
I have to do the pickup.
If you do, you will be caught. It doesn't matter what name you're using.
It's a fake name, and I've implemented cross-checks.
You won't make it past the door. I know because it's my system that'll stop you.
"I'm sorry" and "What the fuck?" don't even begin--
I can't fucking get anywhere!
I mean...
can't you just tell them that you know me?
That you know I can be trusted, that I'm your--
That I was your partner?
- What? - It doesn't work like that.
And I--
Since joining Miracore three years ago, I haven't told anyone I have a partner.
Partly because I wanted to keep work separate.
Yeah, but mostly because you were embarrassed
to have a partner that drives a van.
Yes. All of the above. I--
But now I'm looking at myself.
Since lockdown I am looking back at myself like that was then and this is now.
Good for you, Linda.
But if I don't make this collection on Saturday night,
then not only will Malcolm not promote me,
he will fire me.
I could always start dealing heroin.
Lowlife is lowlife.
No job.
No bike.
No you.
When I worked at Harrods, I had so much fun.
I knew everyone. Everyone knew me.
- Most of them still work there. - Any possibility we might get back to me?
- I'm the one whose life is fucked. - No, this is about you, all right?
I know all the security guards, everyone.
- I know the security systems. - So?
There is a way for you to make your pickup at Harrods
and deliver to Heathrow without getting caught.
You will get your promotion, I'll get my stock removed, and no one will know.
But we will be breaking the law, so...
you're gonna have to do absolutely everything I tell you to.
Michael Morgan, acting deputy head at Harrods Events Security.
Yes, you are in my old department.
How's life at Harrods?
I only just joined. Because I used to be in the Royal Navy.
Oh, quite a change, then.
Not really. No, Harrods is like a big ship.
Oh, okay.
I mean, there are obviously, you know, huge differences.
- Course. - Yeah.
And not just in terms of shape of the building or, uh, the fact it doesn't float.
- You know, it's... - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the working environment must be very different, I imagine.
Yes, it is. Lot of women here.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Yeah, on the ship there was only four. Two were called Karen, Karen 1 and Karen 2.
- I think Kate's meant to be joining us? - Kate Smith, yes.
Oh. When I knew her, she was Kate Wiley.
- She must have gotten married. - Yeah, she did.
But it all went horribly wrong, I think.
Oh. Sorry to hear that. I wonder what happened.
I don't know. They don't talk to me about that sort of thing.
Linda!
Katie!
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, how are you? - Oh, my gosh.
- You know, I'm surviving. - Linda, you have gone off like a rocket.
- I mean, my God. - Oh, stop.
When they said CEO of Miracore, I thought, "Okay, God, some bald man,"
but then I saw your name.
Linda was just asking what went wrong with your marriage.
- She was... just wondering. - No.
No, I wasn't-- I didn't--
When a man is shorter than you
and then suddenly decides to let his beard grow out very, very long
and then becomes obsessed with so-called white magic,
it can just get very creepy very quickly.
Anyway, what can we do for you?
I have an update about the Eve Schwarz clear-out.
All the secure freight companies have been booked.
Our Logistics department was late to the party.
Eve Schwarz, Miracore, here it is.
They booked a freight company I've never used, so that's why I'm anxious.
- Lime green is the colors and... - You're anxious about the freight company?
- There's gonna be green arrows... - Yeah.
If it's okay, I know the Harrods security system,
and I'd like to run checks on the driver myself.
- Oh, no, that's Imran's job. That's... - Do you remember Imran, Linda?
- Imran is now head of Events Security. - I love Imran.
- He's Michael's boss. - Got any questions, I can handle everything.
- Let me text him. - I'm the one with the arrows.
Okay, done.
I'll run you through the system and get you into the store.
- After that, what can go wrong? - Okay, great, thanks.
I really appreciate you doing this for me.
- What's the matter? - Oh, I don't know.
Days are passing quickly.
When I woke up this morning, it really hit me for the first time.
The reality of what's happening hit me.
The lockdown will eventually end.
And then...
the love of my life will be gone.
Paxton, you will move on from this.
You will heal.
There'll be a huge hole in my life.
You'll change and grow and...
eventually, you'll...
you'll meet someone else.
You were talking about the bike, weren't you?
Yeah, why?
I mean, the bike is...
one of the loves of my life.
And I'm one of the holes?
- Obviously, you're the biggest hole. - Oh, why thank you.
I was gonna take the bike out today.
The streets are completely deserted.
Was gonna call it "Lockdown-one-last-ride."
I thought maybe...
Oh. No, I can't go with you, Paxton.
No, I have an important meeting.
An open road and a broken heart.
Don't kill yourself.
- Linda! - Michael!
How are you coping?
You know, it's been quite difficult.
I can imagine.
You know, I'm locked up on a mountaintop with only eagles and bears
- and my family for company. - Please don't kill yourself.
What?
I said it must be nice to have time to yourself.
Well, anyway, before we get on to the exciting business of you
and your big decision to come home to New York,
the good news is that we have found a buyer for the Harris diamond.
- I haven't decided to come home to New York. - The buyer saw the diamond
on the virtual presentation
that you put together ahead of the store takeover.
That's great, that's-- Who is it?
In our new world, Linda, one does not ask "who."
He's anonymous, but I can tell you this.
He's a very unpleasant member of a very unpleasant family
who run a very unpleasant country in a very unpleasant way.
- Oh. - He's facilitating Miracore in his country
and so, I've brokered the purchase of the diamond personally.
Harrods themselves will have nothing to do with him,
so I have acted as go-between.
Hurray for us, no?
Yes, hurray for us.
Um, will he be wanting to pick up the diamond in person?
No, he's not allowed into the UK.
Something to do with, um...
Money laundering?
Human rights abuses?
Anyway, the big question, Linda,
the issue at hand here is the future of Linda.
When will you be coming home?
Um, well, I've decided to leave my decision about New York
until after lockdown is lifted.
- I have... - Yeah?
Lots of ties in London.
Uh-huh. I was told that you're single.
Well...
Actually, that was never true, but, actually, now it is.
Well, the fact that you are single
is one of the reasons I want you to come to New York.
I'm planning to get to know more about you, you...
You fascinate me, Linda.
So tough on the outside.
But inside...
Are you tough?
Do you remember when you came to Paris?
That evening, after the meeting, I was going to take you out to dinner.
I was actually going to try to seduce you that night.
Well, I can only speculate what kind of evening that might have been.
But I suspect it would have involved broken glass.
Anyway, uh, should I send the diamond to this probable mass murderer's home
or should I send it straight to his torture chamber?
What?
Where would you like me to send the diamond?
Ah. Send it to New York, because of Covid,
it'll be couriered directly to a safe vault in Wall Street.
There'll be no one to check it there.
So, please make sure that the verification papers are in the box.
Got that?
- Um... - For many of our new wave of clients,
the act of acquisition is an end in itself.
Okay, see you in New York, Linda.
- Take care. - Well, I--
♪ Stand and deliver ♪
♪ I'm the dandy highwayman Who you're too scared to mention ♪
♪ I spend my cash on looking flash And grabbing your attention ♪
♪ The devil take your stereo And your record collection ♪
♪ The way you look you'll qualify For next year's old age pension ♪
♪ Stand and deliver Your money or your life ♪
♪ Try and use a mirror No bullet or a knife ♪
Don't be ridiculous, Linda.
In a shortage of medical masks, people are making their own out of old clothing.
But the WHO said it doesn't know whether these homemade masks...
Where'd you go?
Peckham Rye.
- Why? - I don't know.
- What do you mean you don't know? - I was just driving really, really fast
because I was being chased by the police.
- What? - I was playing a new lockdown game.
- Green for stop, red for go. - Fuck!
- Did they get your license number? - No, I'm too fast for them.
I'm a streak of light on an empty road in a deserted city.
I'm the last man alive.
I let the road direct me and I achieved that moment of transcendence
where the bike becomes part of your body.
I found myself in South London by some sort of urban farm with a petting zoo,
and I hid among the goats,
remember, the goat was my totem animal when we were pagans.
I sat with the goats and then resumed my journey
as the police cars drove past.
I was in Peckham.
Bought you cigarettes.
And I had one myself.
My first real, real one in ten years and you were right.
Tobacco tastes like youth.
And real is real, and real tobacco is me really,
and I want another one right now and I'm gonna have one.
This idea is supported by some scientists,
but it's not supported by the WHO nor is it backed...
You have a look in your eyes I haven't seen in a long time.
I don't mean to frighten you.
I'm not frightened.
Remember, I told you about the glass horse and jockey in Paris.
No, I'm still with the goats.
They had blue eyes.
I held the horse and jockey by the jockey and I swung it around, and...
And I remembered how it felt to be a rider
and to feel like you were part of the thing that you were riding.
It's a sexual feeling.
Yeah, it is.
I now wish I'd come with you.
Really?
Paxton...
For a long time, I've known that our relationship was over.
And for a long time, the only unbroken thread between us has been sex.
Go on.
I'm finding this moment difficult, because I made a vow this wouldn't happen.
So could you just take the leather jacket off and go hold a tea towel or something?
- Hold a tea towel? - Or buy some milk, it would help me.
- We have milk. - Bake bread.
That'll definitely kill the moment.
I just wanna get on my bike and ride.
And fuck the world.
Okay.
Paxton, here it is.
Probably as a result of lockdown,
you have a mad urge to ride your motorbike through red lights.
And as of two hours ago, I have a mad urge to steal a diamond worth three million pounds
from a mass murderer and quit my job and become an artist.
What?
But I think the most practical thing we can do to get this madness out of our system
is that I break my vow, and we go upstairs right now and have sex.
"Lockdown-one-last-ride."
Goats, now this.
What a fucking day.
She's, uh, just changing.
Oh, by the way...
Have you ever heard of a poet called Edgar Allan Poe?
- What? - Yeah.
Never mind, all right, one second.
Listening to "Drive Time" with Dominic.
And this is George Frideric Handel.
Please hang up or press the hash key for more options.
Hey, Linda, I'm just calling to say that...
I know this afternoon didn't mean anything, but I want you to know that it...
Well, it felt like, uh...
like South Dakota that afternoon when it rained.
And also, I have this bizarre memory that just before we strayed
from the path of righteousness, you said something about stealing a diamond.
You said something about stealing a diamond.
Did I imagine that?
Press one
- to re-record your message. - Oh, God. Thank you.
No.
Grandma, I'm not seriously considering it.
Fuck...
This is usually where patients recover post-surgery.
But now, it's needed for Covid-19 overflow from intensive care.
Hospitals are having to adapt to their spaces and practices
to be able to deal with coronavirus.
I've been a nurse in ICU for 18 years and I've never seen anything--
All right.
Big Saturday.
Harrods.
The grand deception.
You have to tell me exactly what it is we have to do.
Paxton...
Sit down. Wait there.
This is just us organizing what it is that we're gonna do, okay?
It's nothing else.
Why? What else would it be?
Nothing. Why do you ask?
- Are you okay? - Me?
I am okay.
I am intensely okay and normal.
Okay. Background.
Harrods.
The top part is the public area.
But below ground, there are seven floors.
Floors where merchandise is stored and lots of tunnels
where expensive items such as jewelry are transported to secure elevators.
All grown up and glamorous above and efficient and scary below.
Security at Harrods is unbelievably tight.
It would be impossible to get inside to actually steal something.
Steal? Who's talking about stealing anything?
Everything is normal. Paxton, stop being weird.
It's not me being weird.
I mean, you clearly appear to have a hidden agenda
which is not that hidden, but I don't know what it is.
Also, you've got a smudge above your eye.
Did you get my message on your phone last night?
About South Dakota?
And about a diamond.
Paxton, what is the matter with you?
- There's nothing the matter with me. - Seriously?
Yesterday, you were talking about stealing a diamond.
You were, I am not imagining it.
And today, you are drawing Harrods like it's,
uh, some kind of secret plan
- in a secret heist movie. - How can you draw a rectangle like,
like you're in a secret plan?
- I don't-- - Do you have a secret plan?
You know...
I saw my grandmother's face yesterday
and, I told her, "It's okay, Grandma, I'm fine.
I'm not going to do anything stupid."
You said the diamond is called the Harris diamond.
Oh, Paxton, come on. It--
It's Saturday.
It's morning. All the weird 4 a.m.
fantasies and options have gone away as they always do.
Tell me about the diamond, Linda.
There are two Harris diamonds.
- What? - There are two Harris diamonds, okay?
God.
Why are there two?
Do you think I slept at all last night, Paxton?
Well, actually, no, I didn't.
And what was it that kept you awake?
Harris diamond one, Harris diamond two.
One is real, the other is fake.
When a diamond of this value is exhibited in store,
they use a replica of the real thing to put into the public area.
The actual diamond is kept safe in the vaults.
Currently, the replica
is on display here, on the ground floor.
But the real Harris diamond is here...
in the vaults.
Tonight, at exactly 7 p.m.,
you and I will be escorted to the vaults by security to collect the real Harris diamond.
We will then go up the ground floor
in a secure elevator where we add the diamond to the rest of the Eve Schwarz collections.
Then, right there at 7:30 p.m.,
we will have the real diamond and the very good replica diamond,
side-by-side, next to each other, almost indistinguishable.
And because of Covid restrictions,
the only people that will be there are you and me.
So, then we put the real diamond into a secure box and send it to New York
and we take the glass replica and I put it in my purse and we take it away.
That is what we are gonna fucking do, exactly that, and nothing else.
Grandma, I love you.
May I ask a very obvious question?
No, you may not.
What would happen if we sent the replica to New York and kept the real thing?
I am assuming that as soon as it got to New York,
someone would, would realize that it was fake.
No, they wouldn't.
That is why I couldn't sleep.
Whichever one we send to New York,
it will go into a secure vault in Wall Street and won't even be looked
at by another human being for 20, 50, a hundred years.
Holy fuck.
Three million pounds, tax free, no consequences.
One for me, one for you, one for the NHS.
- You have thought about this. - You know, I need to go meditate.
You sure they won't check it in New York?
Shut up! I need to meditate!
What? No. What were you gonna say?
The man who bought the diamond is bad.
He's really bad.
And you and I are good. And the NHS is good.
And good is better than bad.
And when I explained all that to Grandma, even she said, "Yeah, that's true."
And she was a Calvinist, straight as a rod.
Unlike me, who is weak in the face of temptation.
Live wild or die, Linda.
Paxton, you're forgetting something very important, okay?
Assuming that we do this thing, which we definitely won't,
how would two ordinary people like you and me
find a way to sell a three million pound stolen diamond?
Okay, that was it. My last attempt to find a reason why we shouldn't do this,
but you're gonna say Archie Bruce, aren't you?
Yes, I am.
Archie Bruce.
Over the years, I've kept up with the guys and...
I mean, Archie Bruce, he's graduated from stealing motorcycles
to stealing vintage cars and fine art and jewelry.
I mean, he'd have Mr. Harris in a penthouse in Moscow
- before the banging of the next saucepans. - And he'd do a preferential deal with you,
because you stepped in one night and saved his life at a roadhouse in Watford.
Circle of life, something like that.
With Archie Bruce, the nightmare began.
Maybe with Archie Bruce, the nightmare ends.
So...
what we gonna do, Linda?
Okay.
Paxton, here it is.
We decide tonight.
When we're there at Harrods with the diamonds,
we're gonna know what's right and what's wrong.
- We'll decide in the moment. - Or let the moment decide.
- What's the difference? - Fate versus free will.
Who controls our destiny?
Is everything part of a plan, or do we fuck things up for ourselves?
Tonight at 7:30, we find out.
Hey, half-brother.
What, now?
You wanna Zoom?
All right, give me a minute.
Ah, Paxton. How are you?
Actually, I'm at a fork in the road.
Really? Perhaps what I have to say
will have some bearing on which fork you take because it is sort of road related.
You see, Paxton, the other day when you said you were going to sell your motorcycle,
I thought, "Wait a minute.
Time out.
Not so fast."
And then, after I cut the call, I...
- I thought about Mom. - Mom?
How she would feel about you having to sell your most precious possession,
while at the same time, over here in the beautiful Hudson Valley,
your brother, your half-brother isn't having it so bad.
You know, when the cherry trees in your orchard get a fungus,
it sucks, but there are worse things.
Yeah. Not for the cherry tree.
Maybe worse for a cherry tree is the steady tread of George Washington
as he approaches with an axe in his hand and a head full of good intentions.
Anyway, I wondered what Mom would want me to do.
Well, remembering Mom, I'd think she'd want you to get to the point.
Okay, Paxton, here it is.
It is I who has bought your precious motorcycle.
The purchaser of your bike is me.
And I am giving it back to you.
My gesture.
Half-brother to half-brother.
Your bike is yours once more.
Don't thank me, Paxton.
Please, no need.
All I ask, the only thing I ask of you, Paxton, is that you are kind to yourself from now on.
That you learn from this.
That the world does not hate you.
That, yes, sometimes fate seems harsh and cruel,
but people really do want good
- for people who-- - Hey, David, it's Linda! Hi.
Linda, I thought I was just speaking to Paxton.
Yes, I know. I heard, David.
Your magnificent gesture and I just couldn't stop myself.
I couldn't help myself. I just had to jump on the call and say,
"Oh, my God.
David, what kind of a person are you?"
David bought my fucking bike.
Yes, I heard. I heard.
And then, I heard the sermon
and I thought, "Wow, not only is he so generous with his cash,
he is so free with his wisdom."
Anyway, Paxton, there it is.
No, no, don't let me interrupt this meaningful moment.
What is it that you were saying, David? Something about fate being harsh and cruel?
Why were you mad at him?
- I wasn't mad. - Yes, you were.
It was you.
You bought my bike.
Paxton, don't be ridiculous. You heard what David said.
David would never do something like that. But he would take the credit.
Whereas you would do something like that and give the credit to someone else.
You did it because you felt sorry for me.
Yes.
All right, I worried about what would happen if you lost everything.
Mainly because I didn't want anything bad on my conscience.
Confession avalanche. But, also, I--
I did it because the bike represents us
- and I-- - No, no.
No, no, no. Pity is over here, all right?
And love is way over here. Don't pretend there's a bridge.
But would you still feel pity for a man who'd just stolen a million pounds?
I'd be a millionaire.
And a bandido once again.
Maybe you'd change your mind.
Maybe we'd ride off into the sunset.
Paxton, whatever we decide to do tonight,
we will go our separate ways.
The money would mean that we're both free.
Well, I will factor that into my decision-making process.
Thanks for the bike.
- Om. - Ladies and gentlemen!
Fellow inmates!
I have something for you.
Before I head off on the number 27 bus to meet my destiny.
It's a passage from a poem, written by T.S. Eliot
who I'm sure no one has ever heard of either.
She turns and looks a moment in the glass,
Hardly aware of her departed lover
Her brain allows One half-formed thought to pass
Well, now, that's done And I'm glad it's over
See you in the moment, Linda.
This could be the last bus I ever take.
Um, I've decided to drive myself. Thanks.
- Okay, no problem. - Thank you.
Do it, Paxton.
Take the opportunity that fate has given you.
Security sign off needed.
Let's go. Position.
Yeah, premiums are gonna be stamped, so...
- Paging Miss Harrison. - Hi, stranger.
Oh, my God.
I want to hug you.
But I can't hug you, I can't hug you. I hate this virus.
I'm blowing you kisses.
- Thank you. - Hey, stranger.
- Hey! Oh. Let me get this back on. - This place died when you left. How are you?
I need to know the name of your personal trainer right now. Seriously.
I actually lost weight because of stress
when I found out my girlfriend was stealing money from me.
- But that's a long story. - What?
That's not for right now.
- Hi! - Hi!
Terry? Yeah, Terry, yeah--
Guess who's here?
- Hi. - Yeah, look, look at camera 14.
Paging Miss Harrison.
- Oh, shit, it's Linda. - Cash office. Miss Harri--
So, Linda, what are you doing here?
Oh, I'm not on the list, because I made a special arrangement with Imran.
I need a desk for five minutes. Or three minutes. Charlotte, can I?
- Come through. - Okay. Oh.
I need to wait for my, um, driver.
Oh, hang on just a...
Hi, B2B Pro Freight Services?
- Yeah. - For the Eve Schwarz collection?
Yeah? Okay, just wait here for one second, okay?
- We don't get our normal freight service. - World's gone mad.
I'm gonna have to run a hundred checks on this guy.
We just need to see his ID.
And Imran says we do need to check the driver's ID.
Of course.
Next. Come through.
Yeah, can I see your ID?
Thank you.
Hi.
You know you have to sign back in if you're coming back, okay?
This all looks fine. Thank you so much.
Oh, my God, Charlotte.
I forgot I didn't tell you.
- You, of all people. I... - What?
It's just the most earth-shattering life-changing amazing news.
I found someone.
- I met someone. - No.
- Yes. - I thought you were gonna be single forever.
- What-- - Me too!
- Dating app? Bumble? What is he like? - Uh, he's...
He's a poet.
Yeah, yeah, he's like this, he's this really wild poet.
Oh, my God, that's so romantic.
I know. I've got this slot in the vaults at 7:00.
I've gotta get this guy processed, but, thank you.
- Oh, Linda. - I know. Life.
Life, right? You never know what's coming down the line.
- Mm-hm. - Okay.
We're good.
- Thank you, Mark. - Anything for you, Linda.
Okay...
I am going to generate you a Harrods pass that will give you access to all areas.
- Date of birth? - January 19, 1809
But I didn't have my first poem published till 1827.
Okay, that's good. You're taking it lightly. You're not panicking.
January 19, 1980.
Height, six feet.
- Build... - Medium athletic.
And inside, I am panicking.
You do realize that we have both gone fucking insane.
We haven't done anything yet.
Criminal convictions, none.
So, when does the moment begin?
The moment we decide.
In the CCTV control room, there is a deaf man who reads lips.
Shut up, look here.
Why are you good at this?
Team B, can you get down to the loading bay?
We need help at the loading bay.
Oh, Linda, I just need to get the gentlemen's name in,
in case of a fire, so...
His name?
Edgar Allen Poe.
Uh, Edgar...
"Edgar Allen Poe."
Great. Thanks.
Coming through.
This is the first time Harrods has been closed in a hundred years.
Everything has to get packed up and put into boxes.
Pearls, purses, fine art, fine jewelry.
Diamonds.
Yeah. Diamonds.
Doors closing.
Remember that game we used to play?
When we were alone in an elevator, we ask each other questions.
We're only allowed to tell the absolute truth.
Shoot.
What went wrong?
You and me.
When I met you, I wanted wild and you were wild.
And then,
I stopped wanting wild and you stopped being wild.
- So, it should have worked. - But it didn't.
- Why not? - I don't know.
That's the truth.
Doors opening.
- Are you hungry? - Yeah.
Doris, did you shut off the fridges...?
We have an hour until our slot in the vaults, so...
What do you wanna eat, Paxton? There is literally everything.
With the store closing,
Harrods is gonna give all of this food away to a food bank.
All premiers, please have your pick-up documents available for inspection.
I mean,
is there anybody watching?
Maybe.
Dream bigger.
Finest Beluga caviar?
So, is this the moment?
No. No, we gotta get something clear before we make up our mind.
This is a black Périgord truffle from Italy,
- it retails for 735 pounds. - For a fucking mushroom?
Okay. That is what we need to get clear in our minds.
What is the difference between the cost of things and the value of things to you and me.
I'm gonna make a picnic.
A picnic which, under normal circumstances, would cost about, oh, five thousand pounds?
Doors closing.
My precious grandma was a racist.
Yeah. And I've just decided to take her off my in-head jury of people
who pass judgment on what I do.
So, who else is on the jury?
My dead mother, God, and you.
- How come I'm still there? - Doors opening.
Doors are open, I don't have to tell you.
I used to come in here on my lunch break.
So which one of those paintings do you want?
Uh... I don't wanna own one.
You want to paint one?
I just wanna paint.
So, this is the moment.
Oh, wait, is the deaf guy looking?
What?
Oh! I made that guy up
- so you would stop talking. - Ah.
Think about it.
Hundred thousand pounds a year for ten years or 50,000 pounds a year
- for 20 years. A million pounds? - Twenty years. Yeah.
I mean, you could paint.
You wouldn't even need to sell anything.
Doors closing.
I never learned to ride a bicycle.
- What? - Yeah.
- Never? - Yeah.
Went straight to the motorcycle.
Before Christmas, I had a sexual encounter with Maria and it was great.
Doors opening.
Okay, so we've established that we both want freedom.
- Maria? - So--
- Really? - Oh, Paxton.
Paxton, we are about to make the most important decision of our lives.
Can you just concentrate?
Okay.
In our decision-making process, we haven't yet discussed morality.
Look at that. That is--
That's a whole city in lockdown.
Hospitals can't cope.
A million pounds would help.
We'd be doing good.
I worked it out. If it's in 50s, it all fits in one suitcase
and you leave it on the doorstep. Take that, Grandma.
- You got rid of grandma. - Yes, I did. Thank you.
So, okay.
We do it.
Fuck it.
We decide right now.
Okay.
Previously, I would have kissed you.
Why don't you see what happens?
- Okay. - Fuck...
- Maria? - Okay, it's time to go.
- Really? - We gotta go to the vaults.
So, are we gonna do it or not?
- You okay? - God, no.
Is God really part of your in-head jury?
And for the record, God is absolutely fine with whatever it is that we decide to do.
That's good to know.
- Hi there. PJ, right? - Yes, miss.
- Lead the way. - This way.
Why does the name Edgar Allen Poe ring a bell?
This must be Miracore. I'll go get the Harris diamond.
Come in. Don't drop it.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
You're shipping that thing to New York?
Cartier representative, please dial extension 352.
Cartier rep, please dial 352.
Cartier representative, please dial extension 352.
Cartier rep, 352.
- It's an underwater theme. - Yeah.
- It's my idea. - It's nice.
Very good at what you do. Or what you did.
Okay, so, we only need to pack up the jewelry and accessories.
Clothing all goes downstairs, it shouldn't take too long.
Yeah, not too long. So, uh...
Should I take it out?
Yes, why not?
Yeah.
- Do it quickly. The fish are piranhas. - What?
It's meant to be symbolic.
- Symbolic of what? - I don't remember, okay? Just do it fast.
You'll be fine.
So, this is the moment.
Just...
seems so easy.
It's never been about "can we do it," Paxton. It's about...
"should we do it" and "will we do it."
It's about you and me. And I am not saying that we are going to do it.
But if we are, then you would need to take one step to your left.
So, should I take the step?
Take the step, then we decide.
Linda, if we're deciding in the moment, then I say we do it.
If we're letting the moment decide,
then in my opinion, the moment is saying loud and clear:
"Put the replica in the fucking box and put the real thing in your bag."
Freedom, Linda.
In one beautiful moment.
- Yeah... - You okay? Okay.
Okay.
- It's under control. - It's under control.
- Under control. - Yeah.
All right, I think that we should start with the handbags
and, uh, we should get the dust bags.
- They're around the corner. - Linda!
- Linda, it's me. - Donald!
I need to speak to you urgently. Um...
Excuse me, could you please take a stroll or something for a moment?
I have some very important things to say to my colleague.
Donald. Well, good-- I thought that...
I fired you, but you're here.
Linda, listen, uh, someone made an anonymous call
to Miracore head office.
They said that the driver from B2B who's carrying the Eve Schwarz collection
is using a false name.
They said he's got a criminal record.
Grandma, hey.
Well, I came as soon as I could.
- Thank God you're okay. - I'm okay.
The police are coming.
- The police are coming and-- - They'll be here any minute.
They'll be here any minute. Okay, that's...
Now, we're against the clock.
If he's innocent and who he says he is, then everything will be--
Everything will be okay, and it will be okay, Donald,
because I know what to do.
What--? What do you mean?
- What are you gonna do? Paxton? - Paxton?
Donald, Paxton.
- Paxton, Donald. - Who are you?
I'm Edgar Allen Poe obviously.
She just called you Paxton.
Donald, this is Paxton and I'm a woman called Linda Jarvis.
I'm an ordinary woman who,
60 seconds ago, made an extraordinary decision.
- What are you gonna tell him? - What is it to do with you?
What it has to do with him is that he is my partner and my lover
of ten years standing and I think I'm still in love with him.
- Really? - But most importantly,
he is also my accomplice.
You see, Donald, just now, just one minute ago,
I decided, we decided to steal the Harris diamond
- worth three million pounds. - Oh, no. Fuck.
- Confession avalanche. - It's okay. I know Donald.
We don't have a choice because Donald called the police
and they're about to arrive.
Like I said, it's going to be okay because when the police arrive,
we are not going to be here. We are going to be gone.
- You are? - Yes, we are.
And Donald is going to tell them that he talked to Linda
and she said that "Everything's fine. It was all a misunderstanding."
And then, he is going to give them this.
Your ID verification.
And you're gonna say that you recognize that driver
from another assignment, and then you're going to tell them a story.
You're going to tell them a story about how this driver has an enemy at work
- who hates him. - I am?
Yes, you are. You know why you're going to do
- all this, Donald? - No, why?
Because we are good.
Paxton, Donald, we three are good.
And the bastards who told me to fire you and the bastard who bought that diamond,
they won't even realize that it's gone.
- Mention the NHS. - Yeah. Yes.
What do you say, Donald?
Will you lie for us, Donald?
You see, all this anarchy is because of lockdown.
Idiotic insane fucking lockdown which has liberated us all.
We'll give you money. I'll give you 200 grand.
I don't do this for money. I do this for beauty.
Linda, you are wonderful, Linda.
And he is your secret bandit lover,
and you are gonna spit in the face of the global monolith.
During lockdown, I've had time to think and walk in the park near my mother's house
and, God, apart from the dog walkers and the joggers breathing everywhere,
God, it is a beautiful world.
Even before the fucking virus, we were all locked down in our routines.
- Our versions of ourselves printed out... - We have to get out of here.
- Let Donald have his moment. - I can never get to work.
I only came here tonight because I was worried about you.
I don't give a fuck about Miracore or their fucking diamonds.
I don't care about that.
I want everything to be stolen.
I will lie for you, Linda,
because this is my moment
to fucking do something!
- Mad, all this, isn't it? - Yeah.
Who'd have thought a month ago we'd be doing this?
Not me.
Paging Edgar Allen Poe.
Edgar Allen Poe, please report to Security.
Mr. Edgar Allen Poe, please report to Security, immediately.
I think we should speed up.
We don't need to rush! We're not trying to evacuate Dunkirk!
- This is heavy! - Stop there!
If you've got purple, you should be on the starboard side!
- I need to get to where I'm going. - You've been allocated purple.
Leave it, leave it!
- Honestly. - Linda?
Paging Edgar Allen Poe.
Mr. Edgar Allen Poe, please report to Security.
It's Michael with the arrows from Zoom!
Mr. Edgar Allen Poe, please report to Security immediately.
Oh, fuck.
You'll have to turn in your Harrods pass.
You go. Save yourself. It's me that fate is fucking with.
Just keep walking.
Edgar Allen Poe!
You left this at the office.
You'll need it at Heathrow.
Thanks very much.
Everybody says, uh, come back soon, Linda.
You know we all love you.
Since that night, we've established that although we are now both rich,
and no longer have to do jobs we despise,
the strains of lockdown are still severely testing our relationship.
"Happy ever after" cannot survive someone hiding your bag of flour.
Okay, hold on, okay.
Here is your bag of flour. I just...
Promise me that you're not
- gonna make bread, okay? No-- - Why not?
Because of the mess and the pointlessness and because it will be inedible.
Like all homemade bread, it'll be a pointless cannon ball.
My dad used to make it and we had to eat it.
Otherwise, he'd disappear into his workshop and make these hopeless wooden toys.
- Never again. - You've lost your mind.
What? I lo-- You buried a hedgehog
- and said a eulogy over the fucking grave. - And you deliberately stuck a piece of tinsel
- on the ceiling above the stairs! - No, it was there all along!
- I almost broke my neck! - If you'd asked me,
- I would've held the stepladder. - If it was all along, I would've noticed it.
But you haven't noticed that there was no point in packing a suitcase,
because there's nowhere you can actually go.
They just extended lockdown by another two weeks.
Oh, shit.
Well...
All that for a bag of flour and a definitely pre-existing piece of tinsel.
And...
Because today is my birthday.
- It's okay. - I know.
- It's okay. It's lockdown. - No, I know-- I knew that.
- Nobody knows what day it is. Never mind. - I got you something.
I got you something you really, really want.
Go crazy.
- Another two weeks? - Another two weeks.
Oh, then my long suffering public may need another poem.
"Counting the Beats," Robert Graves.
You, love, and I, you and I
And if no more than only you and I What care you and I?
Counting the beats
Counting the slow heartbeats
The bleeding to death of time in slow heartbeats
Wakeful we lie
Cloudless day and night And another cloudless day
Yet, a huge cloud Will burst upon their heads one day
And on that day, lockdown will end!
Not there, but here
Only here, as we are here
Together, now and here, always you and I