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- Come on!
Let's split up!
- Listen Irish, you drink, you pay.
- I know what you're after.
Me last night of freedom...
and I'm not wearing any underwear!
What?!
You scared of a woman who knows what she wants?!
Help me.
- What? - Help me...
I need...
- Aw sorry, I don't speak Romanian.
- Help me. - You shot a man?
- I've no leus. - Help me...
- I need blood. - Bleedin' junkie!
The thrill of the chase.
It gets the blood pumping.
Garlic chip.
- Get out of my way, you fuckin' creep, ya!
- Have a good night pal! - Ah, me bollocks!
Matt!
- Come on, I'm starving.
And the winning numbers from last night
were 17, 35, 23,
14, 6, and 31. That's 17...
- I don't believe it. Not a single number.
- You've more chance of getting hit by lightning.
- Enough of your negative vibes.
- What're you looking at? - I'm going to work.
- Look at him! The bleedin' size of your head!
Shut up you two fat-heads.
- Who'd you think you're getting smart with?!
- Alright, fuck sake...
Save your horn for your wife!
- What the fuck is wrong with ya,
ya bleedin' moron ya!
It's a sunny, bright,
lovely day out there today by the way...
- Deco came by the store again. - Agh! Me finger.
Stay away from him, d'ya hear me?
- I can't help it if he shows up.
What're you doing back here?
- I'm just sayin' hello to me brother!
You're my best mate. What are ya?
- Your best mate. - Best mate.
- Matt? Matt! It's for your own good.
Deco is a user, just like your Da.
And don't be listening to his shite.
And if I see him anywhere near here again,
he's as good as dead.
The stress he put me under!
Like why'd you think I can't give these up?!
- Here, Ma, I'll put it out.
You go up and get ready. - You're a good boy.
- Sorry. - What are you doing here, Deco?
- I need to go inside... - You can't, Ma's upstairs!
- Think you're a bleedin' bouncer, are ya?!
Skin's burnin' up, it's like bleedin' Ayia Napa.
- Just put some factor 50 on.
- I'm after hurtin' myself, look.
- You came here to show me a hickey?
- No! I was at a party
and some bird had a go on me neck.
I've nowhere else to go either.
You know I don't, Matt.
I don't know what to do with meself.
- You can't come in. - For fuck's sake,
will you just let us in the poxy door!
- Why you getting angry for?
You're not coming in, alright?
- You owe me, or have you forgotten?
- Okay, just for a minute. Stay quiet.
- Well are you inviting me in or what?
- Yeah, come in.
- Ah, you're me best mate. What are ya?
- Your best mate. - Best mate.
Jaysus there's a bleedin' smell in here.
- That's just the garlic fries from last night.
- Get them away from me! - Relax!
Said you wanted to wash yourself, there's the sink.
- Ah!
Ah!
- What are you doing?!
- You don't believe me, do ya?
Agh!
Agh, It must be that bite I'm after gettin'!
- So what exactly happened last night?
I was at a club with the lads,
the place was bleedin' buzzin' it was.
That's a bleedin' banger that is, what?
How's it going bud, y'all right?
Fuck off, so.
So I went to the jacks after holding down
the dance floor for about an hour,
then this young wan appears out of nowhere.
- Now you are definitely my type!
- Ah look, here comes the bride!
I think you're in the wrong toilets, love.
Oh, very easy now...
There's someone in here!
- Nearly bled me dry!
Next thing I remember, I woke up on the green.
- What about your girlfriend? - Okay Matt,
I'm going to head off.
Have you got your lunch? - Yeah.
- Well go on, get a move on, you don't want to be late.
You'll end up like that good for nothing brother of yours.
Here, do you know where the plasters are?
- They should be in the top drawer there.
- They're not in the top drawer, I left them over here somewhere.
Took a lump out of that finger, I'm tellin' ya that now.
- What's that smell of smoke? - It's probably your smokes.
- Sayin' there's a smell of smoke off me,
bleedin' cheek of ya.
Right, I'm gonna go to work now, okay?
The penguin bars are in the press,
now help yourself, love.
Shut up!
- I forgot. They're in the bottom of the fridge.
Left them there last night. - Okay, see ya, Ma.
- Shut up!
My hand's near gone on fire!
How'd ya explain that?!
Wait a second, you've been bitten on the neck,
you're allergic to sunlight...
- Agh! Fuck off!
- And you don't like the garlic fries...
You know what this sounds like?
- I'm not getting enough Vitamin D.
Yeah, I need to take... - No, no, no,
I think you're turning into...
- That's my only clean shirt!
- Oh, sorry buddy, I...
- Deco, what are ya like?
- Fuck off!
Deco, put two and two together.
- Eh, four. - No, you're a vampire!
- A what?!
- A fuckin' vampire!
- What are you insinuating?!
- Look at yourself in the mirror!
D'ya see what I mean?!
- No, that mirror's broke!
- There's nothing wrong with that mirror!
- Oh bollocks!
- You can't stay here now.
Put your hood up and get out.
- Ah Jesus, where'll I go?!
- Go up the country or somethin'!
- What, and stay with the culchies?!
- I'd rather be fuckin' dead!
- Deco you are dead!
- I'm your own flesh and blood. - And it's all over me!
- We go upstairs and play Desert Strike?
- I don't even have that game, you took that game off me!
- Fuckin' rob ya that game! - No, no.
- No, get out, Deco.
- What do you want me to do?
Kiss your bleedin' feet?!
I'm beggin' ya man, please!
I'll burst into dust out there.
I'm a vampire for fuck's sake.
- Alright, alright.
I'll text in sick.
Jaysus, what's gonna happen me?
Henry, I've just spotted another one
of those bleedin' vampires.
I'm on the way.
- It's fuckin' Natalie!
If she finds out I'm a vampire, I'll get dumped!
- Didn't think you cared that much about her.
No, she's my everything, she is.
I'll have to lay low for a while.
Let it clear itself up, like when I had herpes.
She's put up with a lot of crap.
This could be the last straw. - What?!
- Do you love her?
Do I love her?!
Love her, he says.
You have fifteen messages in your inbox.
Deco, where'd you end up last night?!
I wore me nice knickers and everything for ya,
ya little fool.
Here, will you call me back when you get this,
I wanna see if you're alright, I wanna make sure
you're not in a bleedin' dumpster somewhere.
You better call me back or I'm gonna box the head off ya!
I don't know what came over me, obviously I'm just a little bit
worried about ya.
Right, I love ya,
you're not going to get into trouble, just, just ring me.
If I find out you're cheating on me,
I'm gonna kill ya, d'ya hear me?!
Every member of my family is gonna be after you!
Go and fuck yourself!
Call me back. Right, I love ya.
- Jaysus. I couldn't think of anything worse
than being a vampire.
What's gonna happen when word gets around
and people start avoiding me like the plague?
- Deco. People do that anyway.
Look on the bright side, you get to sleep in all day,
you might be able to claim a disability.
- If I can't go out during the day,
how am I gonna sign on, ye thick?!
What you want me to do?
Go out and skip with the bleedin' bunnies?!
Does Ma ever ask about me?
Or does she just pretend I don't even exist?
- I think she misses ya.
- Yeah, like the desert misses the rain.
- Super powers! - What are you smokin'?!
- Vampires have super powers!
Turn into a bat and fly around!
- Ah, I don't know.
- Just try it, try it. - Alright!
Jaysus.
Eh...
- Jaysus! - You are filthy.
- Sorry about that.
- I think you need to see a doctor.
- Ah no, I'm just eating loads of eggs.
I'm on this protein plan where I have...
- No, Deco! For the vampire thing.
Number one for all the hits.
Something new is coming to Dublin,
get on down to The Crypt Club, opening tonight,
23 Kilbride Street, with special drinks promotions
before midnight. The Crypt Club, where the party never stops.
Agh!
Sound.
No way!
- D-Doc, doctor on call, anytime, anywhere.
- What're you doing, Deco?! - Any chance of a bit of blood?
- Ah here, no. - Just a tiny bit, come on.
Come on, I'll only have a sip.
- No, I'm trying to help you! - Come to your brother.
- Get away from me!
No, fuck off!
Alright, alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'll call the doctor and we'll figure this out.
- Stay away from me neck! - Jesus, you're a lifesaver.
- Don't make me do it again. - Alright, I'm sorry.
I'll just go down and wait downstairs.
- Yeah.
- You don't think I've a bit of a lisp with these, do ya?
Yeah, it's very noticeable.
- Ah, fuck. - Close the door!
Hello?
I need a doctor, ASAP.
- Where's the patient?
- This way, thanks for coming.
Just in there.
- This is Deco. He was bitten on the neck.
We think he's a vampire.
- Google it, did ya?
Everyone's a bloody expert these days.
- Don't eat him.
- Right.
- Right. A little privacy if you don't mind.
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
- Yeah, okay.
- Ow!
Bloody door.
Just ah, open your mouth and say, 'ah.'
- Ah.
- Hey spud, who'd you murder?
- Just pickin' me nose earlier.
Gave meself a nosebleed.
- What would you... what would you drink on average?
- Ah, just a pint or two at the weekends, you know yourself.
- Ah well, we'll let you away with that.
Are you on any medications? - No.
Just methadone...
and Nembutal,
Tuinal, Valium, Librium,
and cod liver oil.
- Right, now, eh...
Zip the top down and lie back, we're gonna check your heart.
Yeah.
Relax, close your eyes.
Now,
keep your eyes closed, I want you to
take in a deep breath and hold.
- Deco isn't back here, is he? He still owes me money.
- No, Deco hasn't been back in years.
- I can smell a lie.
- I'll keep watch.
- I might have left my dark days behind,
but if I find out Deco's back,
I'll be over there to break up the party
and stick his fucking head in the oven.
Have a good day.
- Agh!
- You nearly got me in the heart!
Right, straighten ya.
Come on ye bollocks!
The bleedin' strength of ya!
- Deco, get off him!
Deco!
Oh, bollocks!
- Alright? Can I get the spare key,
I'm after locking myself out. - Yeah, come in. Moron.
And this is Adrian Kennedy here
and we're talking about people who suck the life out of us.
Just take, take, take and never give anything back in return.
- Do you hear that rubbish?
The real bloodsuckers are the people in charge.
- Frank, the key? - The key is money.
Now, between you and me I might have a few nixers
on the side if you're... - No, that key. Can I have it?
- Oh the key, yeah.
Now bring it straight back, yeah?
Little fucker.
- Come on out!
Why?!
- So I can stake you.
Fuck off!
- Hey!
Stay out of it!
I don't want to hurt you...
anymore.
Nice one!
- Ragh!
Oh.
- Agh!
What'll we do with him?
- Henry Montgomery. - He's a fuckin' Brit!
I knew it! That dodgy Irish accent.
Why you trying to kill me brother?
And why'd you have a photo of the woman
who bit me in the neck?
Speak or I'll put that nose into the back of your head!
- Aw, you... - Sorry!
That's fuckin' payback, you. - You heal.
Why you trying to kill him?
- Because he's a vampire, you eejit.
And the woman who bit you is my fiancée, Sheila.
- Yeah well, it's a free country,
she can do what she wants! - She was a vampire.
And you are cause you got bitten by her!
- Hang on,
I thought you said the woman you were with last night
was a young wan?
- I said... - Chasing grannies now, are we?
You absolute dirt bag!
- I'll bleedin' brain you in a minute.
- Alright cougar catcher, relax horny.
- Watch your fuckin' mouth!
- Are you not a bit long in the tooth to be getting hitched?
- I'd given up years ago.
Then I met my Sheila.
I mean, we have our ups and downs,
but we decided to get married.
I had my stag do,
we took an old Victorian Rail line
through Snowdonia,
because I'm a member of the Welsh Highland Rail Society.
And the Welsh Highland Heritage,
as well as the Branch Line Society.
I love it, steam engines, it's great.
Old, old world.
- Where was the hen party, Transylvania?
- It was, there was a deal on flights to Bucharest.
- That's fair.
When Sheila came back to Dublin,
the woman I loved was gone.
There was nothing of her left.
Except for the drinking and the... infidelity.
Then after that, she...
She was out jumping from Billy to Jack
leaving a trail of vampires around Dublin and I was...
having to pick up after her.
It was my civic responsibility, I felt.
You sure you're not just a bit
jealous that a bleedin' hunk from Dublin took your missus?
- No, it's definitely for the good of the city.
I drive a taxi around Dublin and I've seen all sorts.
But this is something new.
Sheila and those hens are out there every night,
the vampire population is rising.
Oh.
Anyone in Dublin could be their next victim.
But not if I get there first.
- Can we get a move on, Speedy Gonzalez?!
We've a party to go to! - Sorry, Liz!
You, out!
- Fuckin' clown, you.
The other taxi drivers are my eyes and ears
around the city.
- Okay, right,
I'm gonna try Glasnevin,
might be a few of them bozos hanging around the cemetery.
Roger that, over and out.
I had a tip off from another driver about him.
Henry, I've just spotted another one of those
bleedin' vampires.
- I was waiting for an opportunity.
And then I saw a doctor arriving.
- Hey! - What...?!
- Sorry about that.
Once he's bitten his first victim, he will be hooked.
It's just a matter of time,
that's why you have to die pal, simple as.
- No, no, I'm not going to bite anyone, Matt.
If I had a pound for every time I've heard a vampire say that.
- He's trying to turn you, that's it.
Don't listen to him!
He's talking out his old arse!
- You did try and bite me earlier.
- And he will again, and again and again
and again until he does.
His blood lust will only grow.
- Henry shut up you, or I'll beat the head off you!
- Oh, is that what you want?
You want a taste from the carotid,
or, or, or, would he prefer the vertebral?
- Deco, get away from him! - Yeah, Deco!
- You shut up as well! - Ha, you're laughed at.
- Such an eejit. - Who's an eejit?
- He is. - Who is?
- You are! - I am?
- You are. - I am?
- He is?
- The problem is you.
You're the one who let him in.
You're the one indulging him.
You're the one who can't say no.
What are you getting from this?
Does it make you feel better to help him?
- What if he doesn't drain someone,
he could turn back human again? - No.
They all bite someone sooner or later,
just stake him now.
- Look, I'll just go cold turkey,
I've done it before, and I'll do it again.
- Look, I know this is hard but it has to be done.
If we don't nip this in the bud
then the whole city will be overrun
with these blood-sucking sods!
- Where's Henry?
- Look, I don't know where Henry is.
- That's what your last friend said.
- Mago!
Oh...
Love a bit of Dublin blood.
Now, we're opening up this club tonight
and I don't want Henry coming over and spoiling it.
I told him it's over.
But he keeps stalking me.
- I swear to God, I don't know where he is!
I've no problem with your kind!
If you want to lure innocent people into a club,
and turn them into vampires, that's your own business.
Each to their own, that's what I say,
each to your own.
Yeah? It's Henry that has the problem.
Not me.
He won't rest until he ruins your plans
and turns you all into a bag of ashes!
That's all he talks about.
That!
And... trains.
He's mad for the trains, he is.
- Well, he is a member of the Welsh Highway Rail Society.
- And the Branch Line Society.
What's a branch line society?!
He shows off his card at the rank.
- Trains. That's it.
- Trains. We'll say cuckoo for choo-choos!
- Follow me.
Hey-hey-hey-hey!
Can I... can I head on now?
- Don't drain him dry! We need to build up our numbers.
- No! No! No!
- Amanda, wait 'til you see this.
Him and his fuckin' trains.
- Aw, stop the lights. - Look at that!
- He got me that for me hens weekend,
keep me warm. - State of it.
Aw.
- Here, you can track his scent from that.
- Ooh, we'll get him with this. - And after the club tonight,
we'll have enough vampires to take over this city.
- Nice one.
Choo-choo!
Don't worry Deco, I'm not going to kill you.
I'm going to help you, this is for your own good.
- Yeah, I know.
- Just have to be ready for when the cravings kick in.
- Look, I have all of this under control.
Alright? But if it gives you peace of mind to tie me up,
suppose I'm happy to do it for you.
Fuck!
Get me out of these ropes, I'm fucking parched!
Please! Just a drop!
That's all I'm asking!
Sure I'm tied up, I can't do anything,
just drop it on me tongue!
Just put it there, look!
What's a bit of blood between brothers?
Look, you owe it to me!
The big guilty look on ya!
He's lying!
What are ya looking at him for?!
Ugh, for...!
What are you doing tapping away with that fucking finger?!
- Lookin' up about vampires.
Trying to see if there's anything I can do to help ya.
"A vampire is usually a suave individual,
- in possession of great wealth."
- Last time I seen that finger, it was pointed at me.
What started all this fuckin' shite.
If I didn't get kicked out of the gaff,
I'd be out livin' my life, I'd be a... I'd be...
- You'll be what? - I'd be a... pilot!
Matthew...
Listen to your brother, Deco.
Now bring him some blood...
Ignore him.
Go back to your computer. For now...
Matt, we could try something.
We could sort out his fangs, once and for all.
- What do you want me to do? Get a set of braces?!
- No, get rid of them!
Before, before he bites someone,
well that would... stop the urges,
like, like neutering a cat!
- Da left the toolbox under the stairs.
We can get the pliers out of that.
- Oh, did he? Oh, good.
Yeah, I'm sorry if I don't jump for fucking joy
at that idea!
Oh you, I'm tellin' ya.
Oh, if I get me hands on ya!
You'll know about...
Come on, Ireland.
David O'Leary is entrusted with taking the penalty.
This kick can decide it all.
The nation holds its breath.
- And the other one. - Wait, wait, wait...
No, no, alright, alright.
Just give us a second pal, just...
Did it stop the cravings?
- It didn't work!
Payback.
- Aw, you bastard ye!
Wait 'til I get a hold of you, pal!
See your neck, it's first on my list!
- Not if I stake you first.
Come on, push yourself over!
- I'm trying, you asshole!
- You can't even get over a step,
no wonder Sheila left you!
I'll break your nose! - Shut up!
I was reading up on that website about vampires.
Vampires can drink any blood. That means animals, too.
- Any blood will do, I'm not very peculiar about it.
- Don't give him any blood. Let him waste away.
- You shut your mouth, I'm sick of your bright ideas!
- What do you want, a dog or a cat?
- I've always wanted a cat.
- You're not getting a pet here Deco,
you're gonna have to bite into it.
- Ah, yeah.
- Mr McCarthy down the road has a dog.
- Ah Jaysus, you couldn't eat a Jack Russell!
- Yeah. Too snappy.
I'll think of something. You two behave yourselves.
- So where did you plan the honeymoon?
- Fuck...
and you're very welcome back
and thanks very much indeed for joining us,
and if you were listening earlier,
we've been talking about bloodsuckers,
and Rob brought up the topic of vampires,
now we'll go to line one, how are ya, Rob?
- Yeah, I just want to say I'm after waking up there
this morning with a puncture in me neck...
those vampires are coming over here, all over...
Now...
Piss.
I'm horrified by what I'm hearing.
We're just living our lives...
- You're only a bloodsucker, yeah?!
Lying in your coffin all day!
- You need a dose of reality, pal!
You wait until it get's dark...
Messages coming in and the advice seems to be
don't go near them, steer clear of them.
- Matt?! - Could not wait.
The second day of our honeymoon was going to be,
we were going to on the Frecciarossa,
the high speed train from Rome to Naples.
It reaches speeds of 220 miles an hour,
with over 72 daily connections,
some of which are non-stop service.
Does that answer your question?
- Very much so, thank you very much, Henry.
Kill me now.
- I think I have something that might help.
Sorry buddy, it just has to be this way.
G'wan.
Take a swig out of it.
- Sure he has no neck on him.
He's no use to me.
You have to try.
Ah, he's too furry.
I could stick a straw in him.
- He's a rabbit, not a Capri Sun, Deco.
Try again.
Ah, Jaysus.
Sorry, pal.
- Ah, the little bastard bit me! - Jaysus, I'm not into that!
Tastes like bleedin' carrots!
I hate carrots! - You're a shite vampire!
That's a waste of good blood!
- I want the real thing! Come here to me!
- You set him off!
Get us out of here!
Hurry! Come on! Come on!
Come on!
- Take your time, Matt, take your time!
He'll calm down in a minute,
as long as you don't give him any more blood.
- Where's me fuckin' rabbit?!
Where's me fuckin' rabbit?!
Oh, Nidge...
Where the fuck..?
Where the fuck...
Nidge?
There ye are, ye little bollocks.
Matt get this dirt-bag off me!
- I can't hold him!
- Aw, fuck.
- The mad bastard's done a bomb dive!
Deco, leave him...
Fuck!
- Come on, get up. Come on!
- No! No, leave me alone!
- Get into the light! - No, no, no!
- Get up! - I seen the bleedin' devil!
I've seen the devil!
I've seen his eyes! It's not true!
I'm trying to help you!
Let go, Deco!
Don't let me go, you little bollocks!
- Deco, let go. - Don't let him in!
- Matt, get in there, stop him, don't let him drain him
because if he drains him, he'll become a vampire!
No, no, no, if he drains him,
he won't be a vampire, he'll be dead!
- Will I let him drain him or not?!
- Just get in there and stop him!
- Ah here, you're scaring me now.
- Deco...
- Before you say anything, you should have a sip.
Vintage blood from...
1963.
A great year.
- You said you wouldn't bite anyone!
- Ah, what?!
He was a scumbag, sold me my first hit.
He's ruined enough lives.
- Henry says to drain him dry, unless you want him coming back.
- Happy days!
I'm after necking those few pints fast.
I feel ashamed of meself.
That blood...
has gone straight to me head.
Don't you be judging me now.
I didn't even like it.
Just curiosity.
I'm not into it anymore.
Anyways, look,
you clean up this mess,
you owe it to me.
You owe me!
- You owe it to me!
- All I see is wires here
and I want to know where that fuckin' telly is
or you will be out that door in two minutes flat!
I am going to explode!
Maybe someone robbed it or something, like.
- Do you know who robbed it? - Dunno.
- No, he says he doesn't know.
- Did he fuckin' rob that telly?!
Who stole the telly?
I fuckin' knew it!
I don't owe you anything!
It's your own fuckin' fault
you got kicked out in the first place!
You were a junkie!
And Ma was sick of you robbing shite from your own house!
And yeah, I ratted on you.
Cause I didn't wanna come down them stairs one morning
and find you lying on the ground dead
with a needle sticking out of your fucking arm!
I'm done feeling guilty about that, Deco.
I didn't betray you, you chose that shite over me!
I... do you know what? I don't know if I care anymore!
'Cause I feel nothing towards you.
Nothing.
- You're wound up.
Sit down. - I fucking hate you.
Honestly, me own brother,
Ma does, too.
Says it all the time.
Biggest regret of her life was having you.
Yeah, well I'll get to live forever now, won't I?
I'll get to see the two of you dead.
- You'll always be on your own.
No one to love you.
Who the fuck's this annoying me now?
Aw, it's Natalie.
- Alright, Natalie? It's Matt.
Me and Deco are around in the house, 18 Joel Street.
You should come around, he'd love to see you.
- No, no, what are you after doing?
- Wait 'til she sees you're a vampire.
I bet she dumps you.
- I'll take care of this.
- Wait.
I want you to teach me how to kill vampires.
I'm tired of getting pushed around.
My stake of choice has a one and a quarter inch diameter
for optimum grip.
And sandalwood is my preference,
because it's such a versatile wood.
It's both light and strong,
it's just a personal choice, you find what works for you.
- Agh!
- Well, that's the... That's the blunt end.
- How'd you make the pointy end, with a sword or something?
- Under the ribs. Ragh!
- What's that?!
- It's time that little boy became a man.
Good.
Better.
Easy!
Focus.
Killing vampires is like train spotting.
You let them come to you.
Of course, those railway locomotive traction maintenance
depots like Willesden, where they're all lined up
and waiting for you.
Deco!
Open this door!
I know you're in there!
Deco!
I can actually see you, ya thick.
- A lathe might be a bit quicker.
- So where exactly is the heart? - In the centre.
A little bit to the left.
- I don't think I can do it.
- Look, Matt,
Deco just killed a friend of yours.
- Well... - A good man.
- Eh... - Well, a human being.
- Yeah. Okay, fair enough.
You've got blood on your hands now.
- What? - You've got blood on your hands
you should wash them. - Alright, thanks.
- Me and Matt were out playing ball in the garden.
Some day for it.
- And what?
The ball just bit your neck, did it?
Right, tell me.
You're making a bleedin' psycho out of me.
Just tell me what's after happening.
- I, eh... I, eh... - Will you stop say "Eh"?!
Will you just tell me what happened?!
Why you looking to the right for?
That means you're lying Deco, that's psychology!
- Look, it's not about another bird.
- You want us to see other people,
is that what all this is?
- No! - Cause if it is Deco,
it's not like I haven't had any offers!
- What other offers? - Mick O'Connor for one thing.
And he has a better Ronnie than you do!
That little bit of bum fluff on your lip, state of you!
- He's been growing his twice as long,
thank you very much.
- Stacey's friend said that there was some bleedin'
aul one chewing the face off you.
Do you know what Deco, I'm done.
I'm over this conversation.
- All right, wait!
I was at a party, and there was this bird,
but she attacked me and she bit me in the neck.
And I'm a... I'm infected with something.
- Whatcha mean you're infected with something?!
With what?!
- Be very open minded about this.
- Here it is, here it fuckin' is.
Here's your big moment, Deco. Just say it.
- She turned me into a vampire.
- Listen, once you've killed your brother,
I've been looking for an apprentice.
Sheila's having a party tonight,
we could finish this once and for all.
- How are ya, Henry?
Sheila sends her love.
- How did you find me?
- Aw man, you smell good.
- Matt, training!
You can't come in, I won't invite you in.
- Ah now, come on.
Don't think you can say a shed's accommodation, what?
- Well there are landlords that might disagree with you.
- Agh, you little bollocks!
- Henry, I didn't mean it, Henry, hurry up, get up!
Henry!
- Aw, fuck.
- Up the Dubs!
- Henry, get up, come on.
- Oh, Mommy, I don't wanna go to school...
- You have a snooze, I'll be back in a minute.
- Do you know what I think? - Aw, Jaysus.
I think that's bleedin' deadly.
- What? - Deco, I love all them vampire films!
Team Edward and Team Jacobs and all that!
- Team Deco? - Oh my God, gas.
- Yeah, look at me fangs as well, look.
- Are they meant to be that small?
- What? - I'm only messing!
They're lovely little fangs.
Here...
- Oh?
- Would you like a bit of that?
- What? - Go on, get in there.
Make me a vampire. - Oh, oh no, no, no, stop it.
No, you don't know what you're doing!
- Deco, make me a vampire. - No!
- Go on. - No, it's not funny.
- I know you want to!
- It's no joke. - What're you doing?!
The state of your Ronnie!
That Henry fella's got in your head.
- I thought you cared about Natalie!
- She asked for it!
- It's never your fault, is it?!
- No like, she literally asked for it.
Hello?
All right, Ma?
What's wrong with you, you sound out of breath?
- Yeah, I'm just in work, I'm grand.
I'm doing the shopping, text me if you need anything.
- Alright go on, I'll call you later.
Don't be killing yourself now, love.
Deco, what're you doing?!
- Come here and I'll bite you.
- Deco, don't be at my foot, don't do it!
- Get that bit of wood out of my face!
Matt! Let me in, Matt! Please help!
Oh, please! Oh, I'm burning!
Ow, my skin, oh...
Please...
At least we got to hang out, one more day.
- That's tasty as fuck, that is.
Nat!
Natalie!
Oh, fuck.
- I couldn't kill me brother.
- Eejit!
- I'm kicking him out, as soon as the sun goes down.
- Seriously. - I mean it!
- Ha! - I've had enough.
- Ha, dick!
- I brought you your jacket.
Gets cold out here.
- Thank you.
- Come on Willy, you've been on that for ages,
will ya hurry up!
Woah, woah, woah, where you going with this?
Put it in the corner, I've already told you this!
Guys, we're open in two hours.
Yeah? Can we hurry this up a bit?
Why you looking at me like you don't understand
what I'm saying? I'm saying it very clearly.
Sheila, can you... Sheila, are you okay?
Sheila!
- Amanda's dead.
- Did you just get psychic abilities right now?
Like, did your mind just tell you that, do we get that?!
- No, she just didn't reply to my text messages!
- Oh. - We need to go sort this.
- Well I can't leave,
or these clowns will turn this place
into a dental clinic by the time we're back.
- Fair point.
It's time me and Henry broke up face to face.
- You stay calm, you don't wind him up.
- I've got this. - You have!
- I'm Zen.
- Well...
She's Zen. She's Zen, she's said she's Zen.
She's Zen.
- Don't worry love,
you just walk it off, you'll feel better.
Look, I thought I was a goner,
but look at me now, what?
- Oi, you two. It's nearly time to go.
Get your things.
- What are you talking about, you fool, ya?
- The sun'll be going down soon.
Get your umbrellas.
You can go on, it's safe now.
- Ah, you're trying to trick us.
We're gonna stay right here
until it's pitch black out there.
Once your fangs start growing,
you've a lot more energy.
Healing, strength, agility,
and I'm definitely smarter!
- But everything has its drawbacks.
Like the poxy sunlight. - Oh, really?
- And I don't think vampires can get boners.
- Oh really?! - Yeah.
- No, no,
I think you're thinking of zombies, you thick.
- Don't call me a thick.
- I actually find that very offensive.
- I think you should apologize. - I'm not apologizing for that.
- Very mature.
- I'm sorry, Deco, I didn't mean to...
cross any lines there or hurt your feelings.
- Don't worry about it, Matthew.
- Anyway!
I actually think I'd be very good at it.
- Yeah? - Yeah cause I love going out at night.
- She does.
- Plus you get to be immoral and live forever and all that.
- It's immortal, not immoral. - Shut up you, you thick!
That's what I'm after saying, i-mor-dal!
- That's all this country needs.
More bleedin' vampires.
- Ah, fu...
- Change of plans.
- Henry!
- What are you doing? - Oh, I was about to, um...
You do know that you've killed a lot of people?
- You're the one killing my friends!
That's worse!
- You're the one who's going out at night biting new people
and creating new vampires!
And I know about your club later.
- Why are you being so mean?!
You're making me out to be a monster!
This obviously meant nothing to you!
You care more about trains than me!
That's not true.
Ooh, wait...
I didn't think the 9:30 from Howth to Bray
was operating on a Sunday.
Name one thing you loved about me!
- You're smart. - Please! So vague.
- I love the way you always spoke exactly the way you felt.
You're such a nerd, Henry!
- You don't mind it.
- Just stake me and get it over with!
- Yeah, stake her. - You shut up!
- Oh, oh!
Ha, they must have updated their timetable.
- Henry!
Idiot.
- Hate break-ups.
Someone always gets hurt.
Oh, Henry you never tasted so good!
- Any chance of a bit of blood?
- Oh, would you look who it is!
- Here you, you keep your grubby claws off my fella
you little fuckin' cretin! - It's all right, love.
- I'll box her head in! - Come on no, we'll go in.
No, it's okay. - They're rotten things!
Do you smell that?
- Mother of God, she's AB negative.
- One dabble of that and you're hooked.
- She'll be great for the raffle later.
- Excuse me, can I help you?
- Would you come with us, please?
There's a raffle we'd love you to take part in.
- A raffle? Ah here, are you from the Lotto?
I sent that scratch card in months ago!
- Yeah, that's it, you're a winner!
Congratulations! - Ma, wait.
- Here, put them in the fridge!
- They're a bunch of vampires. - Yeah,
and they've been praying on me for years,
and what is it you said?
More chance of being hit by lightning?
Well good job your poor aul mother didn't listen to you!
Yeah!
- Come on!
Wait 'til you see what we have lined up for you.
Yoo-hoo!
She's raging. Here, is Marty presenting it?
Aw, I watch him every week, I love him.
- Just be glad it's not you, yeah?
See ya!
They took Ma, you have to help her.
- What are you doing, come on! - She all right?
- Listen Deco,
with your Ma out of the picture, we can inherit this house.
- Here, yeah, we talk about it later love.
Jaysus!
- Listen. Look at me. I know she's your ma,
but truth be told, she never gave a fuck about you.
I'm the one who cares about you, I'm your family now.
All right? - All right.
- Hello? Yeah, emergency services?
What're you doing, they're going to kill her!
- She never gave a fuck about me,
why should I care about her?
Stay where you are,
you'd only end up getting yourself hurt.
Just do as you're told.
- Wow!
- Jeez, I'm bleedin' parchin' now.
- Right, I'll go down and see
if there's anything left in that old bollocks, Henry.
See your stupid brother, he's gonna ruin everything!
Get dressed, we have to stop him from saving your Ma!
Come on, will you? Put your little willy away!
Fly after me!
- I already tried that.
- Not like me, pal.
- Ah!
Right.
Wait for me!
Right...
Aw, no...
Calling all taxi drivers.
We have a vampire situation in The Crypt Nightclub,
requesting immediate back-up, over.
- Sorry there son, I have a fare out to the airport.
I won't make it over.
Crypt club?
Sure that's on the other side of town,
not bursting me balls driving over there.
- Yeah, forget about it!
Make a hard left.
- Oh fuck.
Go away!
Fuck off!
Get off me motor, Natalie!
Please make a U-turn.
Listen Matt, forget about your Ma!
We can all live together.
Nobody absolutely wrecking your...
head.
Agh!
Go away, Natalie!
Go away!
Get off me, Natalie!
- Oh-oh-oh, perfect.
Couldn't write it.
- Sounds like it's lit in there!
- We appreciate your donation.
- Sorry, we're full tonight.
- I have friends in there, I have to see them.
- They don't want to see you!
- Ha, ha, ha! - Ha, ha, ha!
- Yeah, I get it, but I'm just gonna head on in.
Go that way again and see what happens,
go that way and see what happens.
- I'll just go this way.
Go that way and see what happens,
either way I have you covered in all corners, pal.
- Look, I'm cool! - I don't, I don't think
you're that cool, he doesn't think you're that cool,
I think you should get your little tiny legs
and go for a jog pal, yeah? That way.
- I just want to go in to my friend.
- Wow, going to just talk to the man, pretend I'm not even here?!
Do you know what I did to him last week?
He was in hospital because of this and this.
So talk to him again.
I'm only buzzing with you, go on in!
Ah, he's all right, go on, scared the shite out of him.
Enjoy the night.
He has no friends.
I know why you're here tonight.
Raffle tickets?
- Just the one, please.
Thank you.
- Greetings my children of the night!
Are you all ready to get wasted?!
Tonight, we have a very special prize!
This is a tasty little morsel to get the evening going.
And she is... AB negative!
And the winner is...
Red...
37!
Red 37, before it goes off?
Come on, we haven't got all night.
Red 37 anybody?
- I have it! - We have a winner!
- Yes!
- I think you should have her now before we all get thirsty.
- Yeah, I'm excited.
- Oh, yummy! - Get away from me neck!
- Ma, it's Matt. - I know it's fuckin' Matt!
Get a move on will ya, for fuck's sake!
Here, I have the ticket here,
that's the ticket! It's a fix it is!
I should be drinking that aul wan's blood, not him!
- Bloody raffle me hole! - Get up, go, go!
Get after them!
- Come on!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Ma, hurry up. - Oh Jesus.
Oh Jesus, Holy Mary Mother of God!
Go, go, go.
- Leave my son alone or I'll break you in half!
You should be ashamed of yourself,
a man of your age taking blood
that doesn't even belong to you!
- Get off me you fuckin' bitch!
- You stupid bleedin' vampire!
- He had that coming.
- Come on, go, go, go.
- Declan! Oh my God, look at you.
What's wrong with you? - What?
- Give us a look.
Oh no, are you a vampire? Oh my God,
you ought to be a bloody ashamed of yourself,
and look at him, he's pissed, he's pissed!
- No I'm not, I was pouring the booze all over the ground!
I have them here! The ringleaders.
- Deco?
- Look.
- Any day now, Deco. - Yeah, I'll get it in a second.
- Stop foostering with that fucking thing.
I always end up cleaning up after you.
- Jaysus Christ, I'm only after risking my life
and you're giving me grief. - Yeah well it's your fault
I'm here in the first place!
Everything that comes out of your mouth,
blame, blame, blame, blame him, blame her,
blame everybody,
you blame everybody but your bloody self!
- Can you stop? - Take a good look at yourself.
- You think I haven't looked at myself before, no?!
- Yeah well, you'd want to take a good look at yourself now,
I swear you had me up to there, it's your bleedin' fault!
- My ears are ringing, will you shut...
- I'll tell ya I'll pull the ears off you!
- I'm sure you will! - I will!
- Will you stop fighting?!
- Ever since you were five,
you were a waste of bleedin' space!
- Very fuckin' nice, Ma. Thank you.
- A bloody waste of space!
It's no wonder I'm on the tablets!
- Enough!
Will you both just stop!
Do you have any idea what it's like
to be in the middle of this?
Ma, stop calling him a waster.
- There ya go. - Deco, have some respect.
- Do you honestly think this is the right time
to be having this conversation? - Yeah, I do.
And we're taking it in turns cooking breakfast from now on...
- Ah no, no, I love your breakfast.
I always burn the breakfast,
like do you want to eat your breakfast like...
- It's something you'll have to work on.
And Deco, if you rob from my store again, I'm reporting you.
And I'm taking my room back. Every inch of it.
Now shake hands.
Come on!
Okay, now I think we should run.
- Oh.
- Oh, oh God!
- Go up the top, there's an exit!
- Are you sure you'll be okay?! - I'll stay and help Deco!
- Right, I'll get home so, I'll stick you a fry on!
I'll say a prayer for you!
- Need more than a prayer! - Let's go, let's go!
- Come in and close it!
- Yeah!
- Deco!
- Agh, me face!
What are you doing?!
- I thought I recognized that fat head!
- Oh yeah?
- Get away from him!
- Deco?
Deco?!
- You're a disgrace!
Betraying your own kind.
- What a pathetic little pint-sized weed you are.
You're gonna be a great little helper for us!
Like Henry, you're nothing!
He doesn't have a patch on me, son.
Go on, are you gonna cry to your Mammy now?
- No! - That's right.
'Cause I'm gonna drink her blood
right after I drink yours!
It's garlic! It burns!
- Yeah?
- Do it!
- Go over there, go over there.
- Any way out?!
- No.
- We're trapped.
- I'm sorry for being a crap brother.
- You weren't much of a vampire, either.
You done it!
Oh my God, you done it, Deco!
- I bleedin' done it! - I knew you could, I said it.
- Ah, fuck.
- Woo! - Holy God.
- It's like Ma's breakfast, ya know!
- Like an action movie.
I finally got me wings! - Unbelievable!
- You're a hefty bastard!
- It's all muscle.
- Say hello, Matt.
- Hello!
You'd hate to be walking though, wouldn't you?
- Ready to go for a dip, watch it!
Watch out for the bridge! - No really, watch out for it.
- Whoa!
Whoa, just about.
- You done the bleedin' splits!
Nearly took the balls off me.
Right come on, take us home there.
- Here we go, sharp turn.
Down we go.
- Thank you for flying with Deco Airlines.
- Whoa! - Whoa!
- I told ya you could do it, Deco,
- You'd get a clap for that landing, wouldn't you?
- I told ya you could do it, you were farting all day!
- I nearly bleedin' hurt me hole in the Spire!
- I know, did you see me dodge the bridge doing the splits?
- I thought you were a goner!
Oh my God...
- You're me best mate, Deco, what are you?
- Your best mate.
- Oh my God, thank God you're back!
- Are you okay? - Oh yes, I'm okay!
Are you okay? - I'm all good, yeah.
- Aw, good.
Deco...
Do you want to come in?
- Yeah.
- Only for a cup of tea now.
- Uh-uh.
Deco?
- Ah, how are ya pal? Can you hear me?
- Yeah, I can year ya.
- How are ya gettin' on? - Grand yeah, you?
- Ah well, to be honest with you,
I wanted to ask ya...
I'm after gettin' me new coffin, look.
- Jaysus, yeah. - Size of the bleedin' thing!
I fit in it though, I've already lied down on it.
Yeah, I've been sleeping in the wardrobe,
one on of the hangers.
Come here, this is all in a different language,
I don't understand shite.
- It has to have an English version on it.
- That's the one I don't understand.
It's just pictures, usually that's better for me...
- Yeah, show us the pictures.
We'll work it out from that.
- Can you see that? - Yeah, so see the way they have
labels on them; one, two, three, four...
- Five, six, seven, eight. - That's it!
How's you anyway, how's things?
Here, what's the story with this coffin?
Doesn't look like you've done anything.
Have you just been soddin' around here
playing with yourself? - No, I'm talking to...
- Alright! Alright, Natalie? - Oh my God! Heya, Matt!
- What's the story? - What's the story?
Oh my God, you're lookin' well.
- This is a great reunion Deco, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Here, look me neck, you little bastard.
Aw, stop.
- Oh my God, it's actually killing me.
- I'm surprised to see you here Natalie, you know that?
- Here look, we better go anyways.
So, good chatting to you Matt...
I'll see you soon Deco, yeah?
- I'll take a photo in the coffin when it's done, yeah?
Yeah, do, yeah.
Alright go on, take it easy pal, love you brother.
See ya!