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Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Lano and Woodley
in Lano & Woodley!
Would you please welcome the two guys that are in Lano & Woodley,
Lano and Woodley!
Ladies and gentlemen, how are we? Ladies and gentlemen...
Sorry. Sorry, no...
Do you wanna start? No, no, you go.
Yeah, OK. Do you want to? Don't even know if...
Just excited. Yeah, bit excited.
Saturday night. Saturday night in Melbourne.
So, you go. Yeah, OK. Maybe...
We're filming tonight.
You wanna go first? I could.
Do something a bit different... Oh...
No, I think you should... Maybe I'll go.
The way we... Yeah, OK. Maybe you want a go?
You don't want... You don't...
Do you want to go? What do you want?
Maybe I should. Yeah, you should.
Maybe you should. You're the leader.
We gotta do something. Let's say you're the leader.
We can't do this for 45 minutes.
Go, go, go. They thought that was funny.
Go, go. OK, well...
Go, go. No, I think you should actually...
Really? You think I... You know what I'm feeling?
Let's try something a bit different.
Just for something crazy. What, what?
Tonight, why don't I...
Why don't I do it? What about... What about you?
What about you? You know what I'm thinking?
What about you?
You know what I'm thinking, Col? I'm thinking...
You. Me.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. Or you.
It's good to be here. It's great to be anywhere!
Appreciate it.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to welcome all and sundry.
Oh, that's exciting. Whereabouts is she?
That's... What?
Didn't you say we want to welcome Sandra Sully, who's come to the...
What are you talking about?
What are YOU talking about? What are YOU talking about?
You just said we wanna welcome Sandra Sully, so...
I did not welcome Sandra Sully.
Well, why isn't Sandra Sully welcome?
She's a stalwart of Australian television.
Of course she's welcome.
What have you got against Sandra Sully?
I've got nothing against Sandra Sully, OK?
When I said I did not welcome Sandra Sully,
it meant I didn't specifically welcome Sandra Sully.
Of course she's welcome.
You sounded pretty adamant to me.
You were like, "I did not welcome Sandra Sully!
"I would never welcome that... that Sandra Sully!"
That's the vibe I picked up. Maybe I'm overthinking it.
Carry on. I don't really know what I'm talking about.
I've seen this show every time it's been performed
and I still don't know what it's about.
Listen very carefully to what I'm about to say. Right? Lis...Lis...
I said, "I'd like to welcome all and sundry..."
Oh, all and sundry.
"..to tonight's performance," because...
That makes more sense. Yes, it does.
Yeah. Although that's a pretty weird thing to say, isn't it?
All and sundry. All. ALL.
ALL.
And sundry.
Who's...who's the sundry?
Who feels so special they don't consider themselves included in 'all'?
Maybe I'm a traditionalist, Colin,
but I would've thought that 'all' included ALL.
We do want to welcome all.
Sundry, you can get out.
Not to be mistaken with Sandra Sully. It's great to have you here.
She's not here! Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Look, it...
Do you reckon the whole show's gonna be as good as this?
I certainly hope not.
Right. OK, let's move on, alright? OK.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, uh...before we move on with the show,
I'd just like to make a public announcement because...
Oh, yes. ..I don't know whether you realise,
but there has been a pandemic for the last 18 months or so.
Bit of a pandemic. And a feature of the pandemic
has been the litany of press conferences,
and a feature of those press conferences has been the efficiency
and great work from the Deaf interpreters
disseminating information to the community at large.
Round of applause for the Deaf interpreters.
What a great job they do.
They do an awesome job.
Yes. Great stuff.
Although, ironically...
..ironically, they wouldn't be able to hear that, would they?
Oh, no - yes, they would. Of course they would.
What...? Why would you say...?
No, they would. Of course they would.
They're Deaf interpreters - they're not Deaf interpreters.
How...? 'Cause that wouldn't... How would that work?
They couldn't be DEAF interpreters.
'Cause then, every time the person said something, they'd be like...
Huh?
You know? So...
No, I can make that joke, it's acceptable,
because I myself am Deaf, so...
You're not Deaf.
Huh?
I'm tone-deaf, in terms of what's politically correct to say.
Does that count? Maybe... Is that enough?
I'm not sure who I'm more disappointed in -
him doing that joke or you for laughing so much.
Or you for writing that joke.
So, ladies and gentlemen, we would like to apologise...
Yes. Would we? Why? We would like to apologise to the Deaf interpreters.
Because, about 10 years ago,
we did a sketch about Deaf interpreters
and in the interim, I've realised
that that was a little bit politically incorrect...
Yes. ..and inappropriate.
Very insensitive. So I've written a public apology that I'd like to read out now...
Yeah. 'Cause... ..to all the Deaf interpreters of the universe.
'Cause it was a different time back then. Different time.
You know, you felt like you could...
Maybe we were a little insensitive, and we certainly... That's right.
Because it's very hard. Things were different.
You know, I find it very difficult to know
what is the right and wrong thing to do.
Like, for example, these days, am I allowed to go...
No, you're... No... No!
No! I'm not?
No! OK, good. It's good to know.
It's good to know. No! You never have been.
I never have been?! You never have been allowed to!
That can't be right.
You've never been allowed to. Are you sure?
And you're not... I never have been?
No. And you're not allowed to go like that, and then like that.
I did get... I got significant purchase tonight.
I got a...got a little overexcited and I got a topographical insight.
He wrote that joke, and he makes me do it - the whole thing.
Shut up.
I say, "I don't wanna do that one, Col!"
So...
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a public apology... Yes, it is.
..to the Deaf interpreters... Oh, yes.
..of Australia, and... and the world, basically. Yes.
And while Col's making this, uh, apology on our behalf,
I will be Deaf interpreting.
No, come on, guys - now's not the time for that sort of...
Now it's a more, mm, sort of...
Here we go. Good luck, everyone.
I...
..have come...
Come on, guys.
..to...
..see...
..the comedy...
..material...
..we...
..performed...
..10...
..years...
That's the sun, by the way.
If you have to say what it is, it's not different... Anyway.
..the comedy material we performed 10 years back...
..in...
..which...
..Frank...
..acted...
..like...
..a Deaf interpreter...
..was politically...
..incorrect...
..and showed...
..showed...
..high...
..insensitivity.
I...
..would...
..no...
..longer...
..write...
..a comedy...
..sketch...
..of that sort.
Frank...
..on...
..the other hand...
..might...
..seem...
..innocent...
..but...
..I...
..swear...
..he's a massive prick.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No!
We don't wanna see that kind of material tonight, Frank.
Well, I... People have not come to see my show
for that kind of material to be shown onstage.
Yeah, but... Come to see YOUR show?
You mean OUR show. What did I say?
You said, "come to see my show," as if it's just your show.
Well, it is pretty much my show.
I mean, you know, I wrote it, I directed it, I produced it,
I've organised everything... Well, that's true.
..so it is pretty much my show. Yeah...
You know, I mean, they've basically come to see me over you anyway.
No, it's a shared thing. I don't think...
They've come to enjoy me, and tolerate you.
Why would you say that? I think it's a shared... Well, that's the truth.
They probably like me more than you anyway. You don't wanna get into that.
Why get into that? They put up with your shenanigans
but they prefer to watch me. Col, I don't think that's...
Let's ask the audience who they like better. You don't wanna do that.
Let's get it out of the way right now.
Don't do that. Let's ask the audience who they like better.
Hands up, who thinks I'm the best?
Hands up, who think Frank's the best?
Even though I know how that joke turns out, it still hurts.
And I wrote THAT joke, as well.
And it was a little bit different this evening, actually.
When you said, "Who like me the best?"
there was a significant number of people...
Have you got some family in tonight?
Because there was... I noticed...
Look at the lovely table that they've given us at the Comedy Theatre.
Isn't that lovely? That leg is rather wonky.
I mean, we're filming tonight
and that's the shitty table that they've given us.
Isn't that lovely of them?
How many water bottles do they think we need?
I don't know. I mean...
How thirsty so they think we've got?
We are? We got? Last time...
Are! I dunno.
No, cut him some slack - English is his second language.
So... Unfortunately, he wasn't born with a first.
What? You're never born with a...
That was great, because I...
I was trying to hang shit on him and make him seem like a dickhead,
and I was the dickhead!
I hate that, when that happens.
I love it.
I would normally get very pissed off about that table.
Yeah. I would normally, ladies and gentlemen,
but I've been meditating lately.
I love it!
It's changed my life!
I love it. I've been meditating. It's awesome! I love it!
Ah. How long have you been meditating for?
Started yesterday.
And then I missed today. OK.
Um, but it has changed my life.
Meditation - it's better than sitting around doing nothing.
acceptable to have sexual adventures
upon if you're, say..
talkin' about...
talkin' about context
the shit out of your coworker
boxer
of positive feedback, though,
if you're...
the world will accept you
between God and humanity
Lord's teachings on the earth
to get everybody to accept you
spiritual sort of leader and mouthpiece of God
and treat me as if I'm God's mouth?
Shut up!
Are you happy with your vote now about who you like the best?
Shut up. What...
Why can't I be God's mouth.
I want to be God's mouth.
Is that the kind of song you used to do when we were broken up
when you were doing, you know, all that solo stuff by yourself?
Is that the kind of stuff you'd do?
Those solo years were very difficult.
Even after 12 years performing solo,
there would still always be someone in the audience
who'd call out, "Where's Col?"
Did you want me to stop doing that?
I was just flattered
that you came to every single performance I ever did.
I appreciated the support.
night
begun
that you'd become
This is a song about my cat, by the way.
me, baby
have been around
through my window and pissed on my bed
on my bed, they pissed on my bed
out of my mattress?
honey, if I put
of showing that you love me
yeah
Take it away, Frankie boy
take it away Frankie, baby
you
kinda funky loop pedal
with last time we tried it
it away, take it away, take it away
take it away...
Can you just let me take it away?! Sure.
Ladies and gentlemen, for your enjoyment,
Frank is now gonna do a guitar solo in front of a paying audience.
Good luck, everyone. Here we go.
Not good so far.
Just the same note over and over doesn't qualify as a solo,
but anyway, here we go.
Oh, yeah, kinda funky. That's good. And what can you do now?
Oh... Whoo!
Ow!
Yeah!
That's kinda close to kinda average but anyway let's continue.
That's good. Ow. Yeah. A-ha.
Whoo! Kinda funky.
Yeah.
Not enough to warrant a round of applause, I think,
ladies and gentlemen.
I think just one single clap on the count of three. One, two, three.
Great. Start.
of your silly cat crap
go through that cat flap
I don't want to see you anymore
and I know that for sure
a reconciliation,
with nerve sensations
a funny way of showing
That was good, Col. I enjoyed that.
It's a good song.
I enjoyed that, Col. It was good.
I don't like that table leg. I don't like that table leg at all.
What...what is this cord doing down here as well?
Oh, no. I put that in this afternoon
'cause it's attached to this little clock here. Oh, right.
So we can keep a track of...
Because last night when we did the show it went for 12 hours.
So I thought it might be good to... It's very untidy.
Like, if I come over here to talk to, like, you for example.
What's your name? Lesley.
If I came over to talk to Lesley, I could trip over and fall on Lesley.
That would be... That wouldn't be good.
That would be inappropriate and dangerous.
Maybe just make sure you don't get that close.
I just like to engage with the people in the front row.
That's fair enough. I might want to talk to Lesley.
I don't want there to be a barrier between you and Lesley. What's that?
We should get some tape and just tape that down so it's a bit neater. Oh, OK.
Yeah. Nathan? Nathan's our stage manager. Nathan, can we have some tape?
Can you... I need some tape. Any tape over there?
Yeah. Thanks, Nathan. Good on you. Thanks, Nathan.
You know what?
As a special treat tonight because we're filming the show,
do you want to meet Nathan?
Do you want to meet Nathan?
The stage manager? Come on out.
Come on, Nathan. Come on, Nathan. Come out, Nathan. Come on!
About 35% or 36% of the audience want to meet you.
Come on. Come on out.
Come on, Nathan. Come on. Who wants to meet Nathan?
Come on!
Come on out, Nathan.
No, seriously, they're waiting Nathan. Now it's just rude.
That's just rude, Nathan. They're waiting...
You've missed the moment. You're just...
In fact, don't come out. Should... Do we want to get him out now?
No. It's totes awks now. We don't.
You've ruined the whole show, Nathan. No. Come out.
Who wants to meet Nathan?
Come on.
Come on out. No. That was your moment, you fuck head.
Look. He's not coming out for two reasons. One, he's very shy.
And, two, he doesn't exist.
So that's...
Fuck head? That was... Sorry about...
That was a bit much. I just... OK. Alright.
So just give me a little bit of tape and we'll tape this piece of, uh...
You just want a little bit of tape. Yeah. Just a little bit of tape.
And we'll tape down the cord. And then we'll make it...
We'll make it...
Is that a joke?
I just wanted a little bit of tape. OK.
No. I just want a little bit of tape.
I just want a foot of tape. Not 12 foot of tape.
Just to start it off here and then I'd figure out what I was doing.
Don't we want to tape down the whole thing across...
No. We do. But I just wanted to start off here.
We can't just have one straight of tape.
That's a waste of tape, Frank.
I'm terribly sorry. That is a waste of tape.
Yeah. Sorry. I'll... Hey, no, it doesn't need to be a waste. It's a waste of tape.
It doesn't need to be a waste.
Because of the nature of the glue on these sorts of rolls of tape
you can save this, you can just roll it back on.
You're fine.
No worries. That was... Frank, that's not gonna work.
Just gotta make sure it goes on perfectly straight or, you know.
There we go. Oh, hang on.
That's no good. Frank...
I can save this. Frank, you can't save it.
That's shocking. Alright. Frank.
You've got to be very careful, Lesley,
because even if I'm off, like, a millimetre here,
by the time I get down there, it's all sorts of chaos
so you've got to concentrate.
But I'm sure... Oh, hang on.
I just need to... I really. Oh, hang on.
Look. See, you've stuffed it up already. Alright?
I can save this. I can save it.
You don't need to panic.
You've just got to find the spot where they started sticking.
Just rip it off and start again. Hang on. Where is it? There it is.
There we go. You can save this, Col. No. You can't.
You don't need to waste it.
You can use the tape again if... Hang on.
Frank... I've just got to tease it apart.
Just be patient. There's no...
The whole earth is depending on us
being a little bit more...patient about...
There you go. See, I've saved it so we didn't need to...
Oh, hang on. I've done that again. You did it again.
Hang on. Don't panic. Let's just...
Can you just come over here for a sec?
I'm just gonna put this on here.
Frank, it's not...
I think I can save this. You've just gotta find the spot where...
Hang on. I made that worse.
Can you just pull it a little tighter because... Or looser.
Maybe a little looser 'cause it's going...
No. Tighter. Tighter. Tighter. No. That's... You've gotta... Hang on.
Where's the spot?
I've gotta get where... Look, just breathe. Breathe.
'Cause this is... You can save it, Col.
You've just got to work back, find the spot where... No.
That's gone on to the.. I put that on to... Where's the bit...?
It starts on the... There. See? It's all good from there. It's all good.
I just need to make sure... No.
There's something about the way you're holding it, I think.
Is it the way you're holding it? Or maybe it's the...
You know, if I'm perfectly honest with you, Colin,
I'm starting to lose confidence about saving it.
Look. Frank, we're just gonna have to rip it off and start again.
Alright? We're just gonna rip... We're just gonna rip... We'll just rip..
We'll just rip it. We'll just rip it. We'll just rip it off.
I think you'll find that a lot easier if you use your teeth.
Oh, OK.
Not just as moral support. As a mechanical...
Oh, OK. That worked well. Yeah. That's good. That's good. OK.
Oh, look at me! Look at me, everyone. Look at me.
I'm like one of those girls who's in the Olympics but shouldn't be.
Hey, maybe I can make, like, a little balloon animal or something,
like, a tape animal.
As a memento for Lesley. That'd be fun.
I could make her a little sort of creature.
It could be a snake or it could be a worm.
I could give Lesley a tape worm.
That'd be...
I could give Lesley a tape worm.
That'd be... Probably doesn't want...
He twists it, he turns it into a creature.
Is it a flamingo? Is it a...giraffe?
What's it going to become down at the mall the man with the balloons,
he's making...
I think I'm hilarious.
He twists it. He turns it. I think it's some sort of...
It's a virus. Arrgh!
Oh, Frank. Look. You stupid little skinny man.
Oh, hang on a minute. Just...take the tape for a second.
I've just got it round my thumb here.
Actually... Yeah. Just give me the tape and actually I'll be able to...
Why don't I take that?
But I'll be able to just... If you...
You just give me the tape back actually.
Just give me the tape back and we'll be able to...
I think...
You can save this. As long as you...
You stupid little skinny...
Right. OK.
He twists it. He turns it and a creature emerges.
Is it a giraffe? Or maybe it's a hat. Maybe it's some kind of...
What is it, is the question.
That could be a leg or maybe it's an ear.
We don't know as it becomes a thing.
Can you hold that for a second. I think that ear there...
And then the rest of... That could be the face.
Is it a teddy's face? Maybe it's some kind of...
And if he makes this work, he'll think it's good,
but he can't 'cause he's not as good as he hoped he was.
And then... But he...
Then you twist it and you some sort of...
And you make it...
And that's a uterus. That's what that is.
Entertaining and educational.
My God. Let's just tape this down. Don't you want to start...?
Yeah. I know where I'm gonna start. Oh, do you?
Yes. I do.
At the start of the lead. Just shut up.
I could start at this end if you want.
Just cease and desist.
For goodness sake, just stay out of it.
Do you want me to straighten the lead?
I want you to shut up.
'Cause I think it needs to be... Just shut up.
Would you just shut up?
Just shut up and just let me do it myself
and I don't want your help with anything
that I do now or in the future.
I just want you to shut up.
Come on, little man. Come on. Come on, little fella. Come on now.
Come on. Come on now. That's all from you, thanks.
It's...
Come on, mister.
You're blind, you're not drunk.
Come on. That did panic me just for a moment there.
Sorry, just over here, little guy. Yeah. There you go.
There... Good on you. Good on you. Good on you.
Have a little lie down. There you go. Off you pop.
That's my favourite part of the show.
Now some quality, Lesley.
world
and I've got curls
on the top of my head
where the curly ones are
that causes me flack
and the hair on my back
chest
they call me bear
they call me hare
at the hardware store?
and roll around on the floor?
when you shave your face
when you get to this place?
with a Sharpie pen?
why don't you
Col, I don't know if all that swearing is...
I mean, particularly coming from you when you say you're meditating.
Shouldn't you be in a more calm state of mind?
You're absolutely right, Frank. You're absolutely right.
Because the mediation teacher, what was the first thing they said?
The first thing they said was,
"You've got to live in the present moment," ladies and gentlemen.
Well...Live in the present moment, Frank.
I've always thought that the present moment.. Yep. That's...
Um...
Fr...
Col? Col, are you there
Are you there, Col? Colin? Colin? Colin, are you there?
Are you there, Colin?
Col. Hey, Col!
Col. Col. Hey, Col, if you're there... Col.
Are you there, Col?
Colin! Col! Col!
Colin, if you're there, Col...
Colin, are you there?
'Cause if you're there, come here 'cause this is...fun.
It's...
Yeah. The present moment. The present moment.
You've really been starved of entertainment, haven't you?
I love the present moment.
It's my favourite moment out of all the moments, you know.
I really enjoy remembering having been in the present moment in the past.
But I think it's particularly crucial to look forward
to being in the present moment in the future.
I love the present moment. Um, so...
I really want to go there, you know. Wouldn't it be great?
What was that noise?! We'll never know.
We'll never know what that was. Hopefully it wasn't in my spine.
What are you doing tonight?
Do you want to keep doing a show with me?
If that's what you call it, sure.
No. I just really want to go there. It'd be great, wouldn't it? One day.
I'm hoping to. I intend to. But there's no guarantees, you know?
What are you talking about?
Well, I'm talking about the Antarctic.
Haven't we been talking about the Antarctic for ages?
Nobody's been talking about the Antarctic.
We've all been talking about the Antarctic for ages.
Nobody's been talking about the Antarctic.
Are you gaslighting me? Because we...
Nobody's been talking about the Antarctic.
Well, can we talk about the Antarctic for ages?
'Cause don't you think
it's one of the most amazing landscapes in the world?
Like, for me, it's dream for me
'cause wouldn't it be incredible to see a polar bear in the Antarctic?
Well, you wouldn't see a polar bear in the Antarctic
because they're from the Arctic.
Well, that's why it'd be incredible.
You'd be like, "What's that doing here?!"
"Did it swim all the way? Surely that's... It couldn't...
That's about as far away from where it should be as it could be.
If it was any further, it'd be closer.
What are you talking about?!
I know what I'm talking about.
Look. The Antarctic is a beautiful place. Don't get me wrong.
Do you think it's as beautiful as Antarctica?
The Antarctic and Antarctica are the same place.
Which is different from Arctica.
Which is different to the Arctic.
So, you're saying the Antarctic and Antarctica are the same place.
But the Arctic and Arctica, different places.
You don't say "Arctica".
Don't I?
Do...you?
Nobody... Why is that funny?
Nobody says "Arctica". People say "Arctica".
People do not say "Arctica". People say "Arctica".
Earlier, I was talking to Lesley
and she said to me, "Do you reckon the polar bears in Antarctica
"are as cold as the penguins in the Arctica?"
She did not say that. She said "Arctica".
That's a pretty shit joke. And blame her.
She did not say that. Didn't she?
You want to talk about something interesting about the Antarctic,
talk about...talk about Scott of the Antarctic.
I love Scott of the Antarctic. Who's he?
Scott of the Antarctic.
I didn't think anyone was even born in the Antarctic.
He wasn't born in the Antarctic.
Scott of the Antarctic wasn't born in the Antarctic?
No. He wasn't born in the Antarctic.
Went there as a toddler. No. He went there in his, uh, 20s.
And lived there until his dotage.
No. No. He was only there a few months.
He was there a few months and we call him Scott of the Antarctic?
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
That's over the top. That's too much.
You don't call someone Scott of the Antarctic
if they went to the Antarctic for a few months.
A friend of mine, Russell, went to Thailand once for a few months.
We don't call him "Russell of Thailand". It's too much.
Why'd he go there anyway?
He tried to be the first person to get to the South Pole
but he came second and then he died on the way back.
He died? Yes.
Well, they should call him
Scott Who Went to the Antarctic But Clearly Probably Shouldn't Have.
Frank and Col split up for 12 years
and then Frank asked Col to get back together
and Col said yes and probably shouldn't have.
Just keep in mind, ladies and gentlemen, this is not a TV show.
There's no screen, it's not a movie or anything like that.
So if at any point in time, you, as a group, want to rush the stage
and beat the shit out of him...
I wouldn't be able to stop you.
Could be like Murder on the Orient Express.
We all just back each other up.
We say, "We...I didn't do it. And they didn't do it.
"None of us did it. But we all did it. We all have to punch him once."
Sorry.
Are you going to say anything that's actually in the show?
Or are you just going to make shit up all night, fuck head?
He's talking to you, Nathan.
Not coming out when the moment was ripe.
Nah, come on, guys.
This is ridiculous.
I mean... I don't know, how did we come to this?
How did we come to this? I'm glad you asked.
the Big Bang went kaboom
were suddenly created
flying through the universe
made this matter all congeal
and all the suns and all the planets
went bl, bl, blaugh
evolved
of sea creatures
onto the land
but they died out
with their hair and boobies
legs and getting really brainy
there are all sorts of tribal human beings
and planting wheat
animals
achievement
like Alexander the Great
who came from England
who came out to Australia
Germany, I think
but eventually my parents met
I was born, I grew up
school and we became the best of friends
They were good times, weren't they?
and we started doing shows
laughed and it was really, really good
up and we were apart for about 12 years
sort of 12 years in the solo wilderness
in a show called Fly
all around Australia
Orville and Wilbur Wright
pandemic Have you heard about the pandemic?
of an incident that's gone on
called Lano And Woodley
at the Comedy Theatre
although Nathan didn't come out
the moment there
that
Um, ladies and gentlemen...
It has been a...
..a very difficult year for everyone
and for the first time ever...
For the first time ever I'd like to actually sing a serious song
because I think music can have an incredible healing power.
And I'd like to sing
what I think is probably the most beautiful, spiritually healing song
that's ever been written.
This is Amazing Grace.
how sweet the sound
like me
found
I was totally shit-faced
Thanks very much.
Thank you.
Because I think it's important to be able to...
We shouldn't be afraid of those more confronting emotions.
I think it's important to be able to...
Yeah. Good one. Good one.
All these people are getting their lives back together.
They're going to be going out for celebrations
and, you know, parties and birthdays and ceremonial kind of occasions
and maybe unfortunately a couple of funerals.
Somebody's going to get up and sing Amazing Grace
and in their head they're gonna be going...
Well...
Now, this is a beautiful song
that got me through the last 18 months or so.
This is an actual beautiful song,
one of the most amazing songs ever written
and this really helped me over the last 18 months.
This is a fair dinkum beautiful song.
OK. Have you got a backing track, or...?
No. No. No. You're gonna play it for me.
Oh, right. So, what key is it in?
Uh... T.
Col. Col. Col.
Col. Col. I think that...
Ladies and gentlemen, Colin Lane!
So good. Great. He's good, isn't he?
What are you doing? What are you doing?
That was fantastic. I loved that. Why are we stopping?
Why do you get to finish your song but I don't get to finish my song?
Is that what you're saying?
I'm only 100th of the way through the song.
Yeah. But I would have thought...
You...you're...you're cutting me off in my prime.
Leaving people on the edge of their seat.
What's gonna happen to the bottles? Yeah. But I just...
What's gonna happen to the bottles? Well, it's...
99, 98, 97, 96. Is it an accident?
Is it some malevolent force? Who knows?
Nobody will ever know. Well, I would have thought...
Because you just think, "Oh, they've heard enough."
Don't you know anything about a narrative arc? A story arc?
Yeah, but... Building the tension.
No. But isn't...
99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93...91, 90.
What's gonna happen next? Nobody knows.
You kids in the TikTok generation, you don't understand, do you?
Well, that's true about us TikTok kids.
We do have a very short attention span.
You've got no idea, have you, about how to build up drama.
90, 80, 70, 60. Then it gets to 50, people lose their fucking minds.
No, but isn't it just...
The first 50 have gone, what's gonna happen to the next 50?
Well, aren't they also... They're never gonna know, are they?
Well... You've just cut me off.
People are having a lovely time listening to my singing,
listening to the story - 40, 30, 20, 10.
They're never gonna know.
And then nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
And then in my version of the song, in my version that we won't hear,
in my version the last bottle doesn't fall.
You know what that last bottle represents?
What we're all looking for?
That last bottle represents...
..hope.
I've changed. I want them not laughing tears.
I want them crying tears.
And you've ruined it. I'm so sorry.
That would have been amazing.
Wouldn't that have been incredible
because your singing, it really did elevate the atmosphere in here
to this amazing spiritual state
and I can see it now, that last green bottle not falling, being...
I'm so sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
I've robbed us all of this incredible, cathartic experience
just because of my lack of confidence.
Absolutely. I'm so sorry, Col.
And you know why, ladies and gentlemen?
You know why he can take us to that rarefied emotional space?
It's because of all that meditating he's been doing, I reckon.
Absolutely. And it's not just the meditating, ladies and gentlemen,
it's also being, you know, all the Tai Chi I've been doing.
Oh, delicious.
What?
Well, we all love a spicy beverage.
Not chai tea. Tai Chi.
You know, body awareness, slow, controlled body movements.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I know the one you mean.
Based on that ancient martial art. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And if you get a black belt,
you're ready if you're accosted by an angry sloth.
Just show some respect, mate.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
You know what I heard about Tai Chi?
I heard someone say that apparently Tai Chi, in China,
it's actually done fast like karate.
But when they sent the instructional video to Australia
there was a mix-up
and it was accidentally recorded in slow motion.
And we're the only people in the world who do it slow like this.
Who did you hear say that?
Me. Just then.
The other thing about chi that is fascinating,
is not only is it the spiritual life force
in traditional Chinese culture,
but it's also an excellent word to have up your sleeve
in a game of Scrabble.
Two letters, Q, no U required.
Whack it on a triple word score, 33 points.
I defy you to not cream your jocks over that result.
Did you say... Did you say cream...
Why can't we just get a good table?
Why can't... No, that's fantastic!
Because you were singing the song about all the bottles falling
but then it was cut short and the tension...
And then you theatrically manifest that in, like, a symbolic...
You are a theatrical genius and you don't even realise it.
Don't be ridiculous. I know it.
Why can't we just get a good table? That's what I can't understand.
We're at the Comedy Theatre. The show's being filmed
and they've just got a shit stick table with only three legs.
It's just ridiculous. I know. It's...
Look at this leg here. What's going on with that leg anyway?
No. Look, this really is disappointing
because all he asked for, ladies and gentlemen,
all he asked for was a beautiful little sophisticated black plinth
so he could put his classy bottle of European sparkling mineral water on it...
That's right.
..and be like a real, proper cabaret performer.
And they give you this rubbish.
Yeah. Would Dame Nellie Melba put up with this? Dame Judi Dench?
Damian Hardwick. None of them.
It's an outrage. I'm actually...
I'm offended on your behalf. Thank you, Francis.
Because, ladies and gentlemen,
in certain circles
Colin Lane is considered one of Australia's comedians.
And I think that's only a slight exaggeration. So...
What are we gonna do now, though?
I don't know. What are we gonna do?
It's only got three legs, Frank.
You can't put a bottle over there when you've only got three legs.
Maybe it doesn't matter because even though there's only three legs, that's fine.
Just imagine it's a triangular table here -
just put the things on the back.
It's fine. Look.
You don't want to put it there. Just give me that.
Yep. OK.
That's all good. That's not great because...
Hang on. Just give me that. Yeah.
I'm happy with that. Couldn't be happier with that.
I'm lovin' that. Look at that. It's great.
But if you put it there you'll find... Hang on. Just give me that.
I'm not picking it up again for you!
This is ridiculous. It's just ridiculous.
I'm going to go and see if Nathan's got another table out the back
to replace it.
Nathan? Nathan, is there...
There's actually another table here so we're good to go.
We're good to...
That wasn't enough of a reaction from the audience that I was looking for.
They're overcome with fear.
Run!
Run! Get out. It's spooky in here.
Anyway, I just can't believe that we can't... I know.
..have some quality equipment.
You know, like, we're trying to do a show here.
We're trying to do a good show. I'm offended on your behalf.
Just trying to get something happening here.
'Cause I think it's one of the worst... And give people some entertainment.
I'd be furious if I were you. And then they've just got no idea.
They shouldn't treat you like that. This is shit as well.
I can save this. I can save this moment.
Unbelievable.
I reckon this is the greatest joke
that's ever been performed on an Australian stage.
Table tennis.
Nuh... Alright.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. Run!
Run! It's spooky and they're shit jokes.
Run.
Alright.
Let's just have a little relax and just play some tennis.
And then we'll get our minds back into gear
and then we'll continue with the show.
OK. Good idea. We'll have to wait until the court's available.
We'll just wait till the... the court's getting ready.
OK. That sounds good.
Do you think of yourself as a spiritual person?
What a lovely thing to ask.
If you're asking me if I think that there's, like,
there's an old man in the clouds, then not really.
But if what you're asking me
is do I think that love is the essence of all creation,
then not really, I don't think that either.
But if what you're getting at
is do I think there's some kind of hidden intelligent purpose
behind all this seeming chaos,
then, nuh, don't think that.
But if what you're actually trying to get to is...
Shoosh. Why don't you just shoosh?
Like, shoosh your arse off. Like, put your shoulder into shooshing.
Colin...
Colin.
Colin, do you think of yourself as being a spiritual person?
Well, I'm certainly more spiritually enlightened than you,
you fucking fuck head.
Court's ready. Oh. Great.
Here we go. Have you got the ball? Yep. It's just here.
OK. Let's just warm up a little bit.
Fock.
Hey, why don't we have a game?
Yeah. Why don't we just have a social game between friends?
Friendly little hit. Nothing too serious.
No, of course not. Why don't you serve?
OK. Why don't you serve?
Fock, fock, fock, fock, fock, fock, fock, fock, fock...
Brrrrr...
Fock.
Whoo...
Fock.
Out.
That was in. That went in.
It was outside the line, buddy. It was definitely in.
I'm really sorry. It was outside the line.
You're not right. It was in.
It was so far out it wasn't even funny.
It was so in it was far out.
It was one of the most in things I've ever seen.
OK. You want to see who the winner of that point was? Sure.
Let's have a look on the slow motion replay.
Slow motion replay is OK by me. OK.
Lesley, do you want to help us with the slow motion replay?
Come on! Give it up for Lesley!
Come on. Come on, this way.
This way.
Just go through that little door there.
There's somebody who's gonna take you through.
Round of applause for Lesley. Come on.
Lesley, if you could just stand there. Stand there for me.
Perfect. Just right on there. Hello.
We've got to keep the 1.5 thing, so...
Do you work, Lesley? What do you work at?
You're a lawyer. You're a lawyer!
Well, hopefully when I swing...
Just be careful on the stairs on the way down.
After...
Normally I swing this towards you,
but tonight I'm gonna do it towards Col because... That's right.
I don't want to knock your teeth out
because that would end badly for...us in a litigation.
So, Lesley, two hands. Two hands is good.
And you saw the fast motion
so you just have to repeat that in slow motion.
Thanks, Lesley... Yeah. Thanks very much for helping out.
..for volunteering. We really appreciate it.
Thanks very much. OK.
So, um... Alright. Alright.
Why don't we have a look on the slow motion replay?
OK. That's a good idea. OK.
O...K.
Why...don't you serve?
OK. Why don't...you serve?
Just a friendly game between mates. Nothing serious.
Of course.
Fock.
That's the strangest ball toss I've ever seen.
Fock.
Slow motion fock.
Fock.
Fock. Fock. Fock...
Fockety focket.
Fock.
Pause! Pause! Pause!
Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause.
Pause. Don't clap. Pause. Close up.
Take a big bow.
Come on, bow.
Thank you, Lesley. Thank you so much.
OK. Good. Thank you, Lesley.
And just get rid of that table.
We're gonna do the stuff with the bottles on the table.
Oh, yeah. We're doing the dance around.
Well, maybe I can just leave... Oh, no, 'cause we come through.
OK. I'll just go downstairs and chuck it in a skip.
Yeah. Yeah. Just chuck it in the skip. Yeah.
Just chuck it in the skip and let somebody else deal with it
and just fill up some more landfill.
Yeah. Good on ya.
Don't you know where tables come from?
Where tables come from? Well, I would have thought...
Not really. No.
Frank, when two tables love each other very much...
It's alright. I'm OK. I'm OK.
Oh!!!
Oh! Oh!
Ooh!
You've... Oh... Yeah. Oh...
Mmm. Ahh.
Oh. Yeah...
Oh.
Yeah. Oh, oh, oh...
Whoo.
Ah!
Wow.
OK. Come on, breathe through the contractions. Just breathe.
Just breathe through the contractions. We're here for you.
We're here for you.
Just breathe. Just breathe. Just one more push.
One more push. One more push. Just one...
Oh, Col...
Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, look. It's so beautiful. Do you wanna...?
Oh, no, no, no. Give it to the mother. Give it to the mother.
Give it to the mother. Give it to the mother.
Oh...
What's happening? What's happening.
I think it's trying to stand up already, Col.
Oh, that's the way. Keep trying.
Keep trying.
Oh, God. It's like a little baby giraffe or something.
Oh, so gorgeous, isn't it?
Look at it struggle.
That's it. That's it.
Keep going. That's it.
Thank you. Goodnight! Thank you!
Thank you so much. Goodnight!
Captions by Red Bee Media