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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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<i>Before we start,</i>
<i>a quick trigger warning.</i>

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00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:17,400
Tonight's show contains jokes
about terrible things.

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00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:21,560
Terrible things that may have affected you
and the people you love.

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But these are just jokes.

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They're not the terrible things.

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There's a huge difference
between doing a joke about a rape...

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...and doing a rape.

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I fucking hope.

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Or I'm going to jail forever.

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My mother always used to say:

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"If you haven't got anything nice to say,
then shut your face, you evil prick."

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I miss that fat slag.

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There's a bug going around.
Does anyone have COVID-19?

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A lot of you.
I've been avoiding it like the plague.

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Do you think we overreacted to COVID-19?

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Yes.

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Yeah, a lot of the survivors think so.

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Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

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Survivors think we overreacted,

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but I think if you could do
a survey of the dead,

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they would say:

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"We could've done more."

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I didn't lose any loved ones.

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I mean,
a lot of my elderly relatives died,

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but no one I was that fond of.

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Let's talk about the controversial thing,
the vaccine.

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Who won't take it because they think
it's dangerous? Raise your hands.

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Now take that hand
and slap yourself in the fucking face.

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Hear that?
That's the voice of fucking reason.

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The spread of COVID was directly linked
to how dense the population is,

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and some of the population,
quite fucking dense.

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Maybe you read something.
There's a lot out there.

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I read that COVID's not even real.

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It's all been a hoax. It's a conspiracy.

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I tell you who's gonna feel like fools.

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All the people that died of it.

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Gonna have to dig them up and tell them.

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"Come on, you, get out of there.

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It's not even real and you died of it.

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Fucking idiot. Get out."

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We're in the middle of an obesity crisis.

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But what is obesity? Well, basically,

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it's a swelling disease
you can only catch from biscuits.

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My girlfriend had us on a diet
where there was a cheat day,

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which I thought was great.

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Turns out a cheat day's
not what I thought it was.

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She came home all excited.

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"I ate pizza!"

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I ate pussy.
I thought it was what we're doing. Sorry.

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It's brilliant we're finally seeing
plus-sized models on the cat-waddle.

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I worry if I do fat jokes,
I won't reach a wider audience.

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If you're fat and offended,
be the bigger person.

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Any vegans? Anyone here vegan?

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- There? What's your name?

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Go on. What happened,
did you run out of energy?

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Yeah--!

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Fair enough, there's nothing in tofu.

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Where's the vegan? What's your name?

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- Ben.
- Give us a wave. Hi, Ben.

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People get confused. Vegan, vegetarian.

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If you're vegan, Ben,
it means you're boring to talk to.

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Vegans, they won't kill anything
other than a conversation.

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Driving. Who drives? We all drive?

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Yeah!

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I'm finding it increasingly frustrating.

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Especially in Central London.
Had an incident last year.

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Not road rage
but about as close as you'd wanna get.

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I'm in a 30-mile-an-hour zone,
built-up area, middle of the day.

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What am I doing? Thirty miles an hour.

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Driving along, minding my own business.
Come across a guy doing barely 10.

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What do you do?
Flash lights, toot the horn,

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let him know,
"Move over or speed up," right?

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He didn't do either.
So in the end, I'm the lunatic.

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I'm flashing the lights like I'm insane
and sat on that horn.

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This is what I was dealing with.
He had a novelty license plate.

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"Beloved mum in flowers."

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Prick, am I right? Prick.

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What?

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I got fined for parking in a disabled bay.

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Turns out you don't qualify
if it's only erectile dysfunction.

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I say "only."
It's like trying to pose jelly.

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Like trying to pick a lock
with a marshmallow.

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Like trying to play snooker
with a bit of rope.

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I need an attractive young woman
for this next bit.

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You, madam, you see anyone?

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I'm the worst.
You're an attractive young woman.

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I imagine you're a stranger
to a man thumbing in a softie.

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Give it time. Ask your mother.

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I don't like sleeping over
at friends' houses.

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I'd rather stay in a hotel
than at a friend's house.

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You stay at the house, in the morning,
"How'd you sleep?" You explain:

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"I find it difficult to masturbate
in someone else's home."

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I don't look at porn anymore,
at Internet pornography.

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Not a big moral thing,

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I just choose not to
because I recently finished it.

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Put the hours in. You can get there.

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Put my initials in, it said, "Rehydrate."

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I actually did porn.
I was in a pornographic film.

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But this was years ago, when I was a kid.

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He's looking at me like,
"I knew I knew you."

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Mansplaining, it's when a man

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tries to explain what you already know
in a patronizing manner.

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It's when a man, that's me...

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tries to put clever-clever thoughts
in your pretty brain.

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You understand that?

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Yes, you do.

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Yes, you do. You're such a clever girl.
You're so clever.

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That's a meta joke.

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Can you say "meta joke"?

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I can't believe you said it.

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Everyone is shaving their pussy.

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Mainly women.
Everyone is shaving their pussy,

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and hipsters these days have beards.

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So society has the same amount of hair,
just on different cunts.

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Everyone is shaving their pussy.

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No matter what you think of that joke,
what a lovely opening.

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I think we all prefer
a clean work surface.

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00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,080
There is a theory.

121
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People say men enjoy
a shaved downstairs on a lady

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because it looks like
a young girl's vagina.

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I wish.

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When my girlfriend shaves hers,
it looks like a pig's foot.

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A moral dilemma
for my vegan friend over there.

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He doesn't know
whether he wants to eat that or not.

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I like dwarves.

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You're not meant to say "dwarf"
but "little people."

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I don't like the term "little people."

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Because "little," bit patronizing.
And "people"? Come on, that's a stretch.

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Dwarfism is a growing problem.

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I had a dwarf come up to me after a show.

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Not right up to me. Up to about there.

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He wasn't angry,
but he was a little short with me.

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He was not happy.

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No laughing matter. I had a friend
that was a dwarf, died last year.

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He actually took his own life.
Yeah, committed suicide.

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Jumped off a curb.

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Someone's brought a fucking child.
What age are you, man?

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Seventeen.

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- What, sorry?
- Seventeen!

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Seventeen.

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Seventeen but it's Southend.
You could be a father of four.

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We don't know.

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It's different here, isn't it?

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- Is this your girlfriend?
- Yeah.

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Seventeen, you got a girlfriend.

148
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Fingers or are you using your dick?
What's going on?

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Don't judge me, I'm just asking.

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I've ruined your evening. Sorry.

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- What's your name?
- Charlie.

152
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:22,640
- Charlie?
- Yeah.

153
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Named after what you sell.

154
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It's Charlie Charlie, everyone.

155
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- What do you do, mate?
- I work in an amusement park.

156
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- You work in an amusement park.
- Yeah.

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When you fuck, do you say,
"Wanna go faster, scream louder"?

158
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I went on safari. Anyone been on safari?

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- A few. If not, I'll catch you up.

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Basically, a safari is
an inconvenient zoo.

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- We've all been to the zoo, right?
- Yeah.

162
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In a zoo, you see the animals
but not in the natural environment.

163
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You go on a safari,
you're in the natural environment.

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The only downside is,
you can't see the fucking animals.

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You get driven around
by a prick in a jeep telling you:

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"The leopard's nocturnal."

167
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Well, I'm not. Wake the fucker up.

168
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I'm gonna talk about racism

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and this is a straight white man talking,
so pay attention.

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Black Lives Matter happened,
and it raised very important questions.

171
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Questions like, "Am I racist?"

172
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If you're wondering, here's what you do.

173
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,960
Ask a close Black friend, "Am I racist?"

174
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,200
If you don't have a Black friend...

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A good rule, if you're white
and you're gonna talk about race,

176
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it shouldn't involve your neck muscles.

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If you feel the urge before you speak
to look around conspiratorially...

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...shut the fuck up.

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Black Lives Matter, a good thing.

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People that didn't understand came along
and went, "All Lives Matter."

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Oh, for fuck's sake.

182
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:27,440
It's like saying, "Save the Whale,"
and someone going, "Save All Animals."

183
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:33,080
Yes, but we don't really have a problem
with people harpooning pigeons, you cunt.

184
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,240
Are there ginger people in?

185
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We've kept them back there
in the darkness, have we?

186
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,080
Wow, that's fucking weapons-grade
there, isn't it? What's--?

187
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- What's your name? The blue shirt.
- Roger.

188
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Roger.

189
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,160
Hi, Roger. Nice to meet you.

190
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,200
That's where ginger
meets disability, isn't it?

191
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:06,120
You can park where you fucking like
with that coloring.

192
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,960
You look as if you get sunburn
checking the phone.

193
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,800
Factor 50 for you just to look
in a fucking fridge.

194
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,400
What do you think?
What do you think of "ginger"?

195
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:24,400
It's all right.

196
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,040
"It's all right."
That's the right attitude.

197
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,800
Also, the fuck are you gonna do?

198
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,360
I don't like the term "ginger."

199
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,960
Because if you say blond or brunette,
it is a descriptor.

200
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,280
You're describing someone's hair color,
no edge.

201
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,400
With ginger, even if you say it nicely,
there's a bit of edge.

202
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:44,800
Ginger, a little bit of edge.
Ginger, a whisker away from

203
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:45,800
ginger cunt.

204
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,160
Some offense.

205
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,040
That's why I don't use "ginger."

206
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,400
I prefer to say "strawberry disgusting."

207
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,000
And who are you with?

208
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,880
- My wife.
- That's your wife?

209
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,440
- What's your name, the wife?
- Lauren.

210
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:11,440
You do anything else for charity
or just fuck this guy?

211
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:14,680
Fuck this guy?

212
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,440
It's enough, isn't it? It's enough?

213
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,400
What a fucking-- What a bighearted lady.

214
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,440
I used to date this incredible-
looking woman, just beautiful.

215
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,480
We're still together,
but she let herself go.

216
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,960
There's an ugly woman
at the back going, "Boo."

217
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,960
- What? Sorry.

218
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:43,880
Rude.

219
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:44,880
Rude?

220
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,800
Sorry. When I said
an ugly woman at the back--

221
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,480
"Talking to me. Yeah.

222
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,160
Yeah.

223
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,120
Rude."

224
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:58,520
I mean...

225
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,000
If it's self-esteem, there's nothing
I can do about your self-esteem.

226
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,360
That's why they call it self-esteem.
Your name?

227
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,520
- Kelly.
- I'm gonna go soft on you.

228
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,080
Like every man that's ever seen you naked.

229
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,880
I'm just saying. You're what
dimmer switches were invented for.

230
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:30,800
I'm sorry.

231
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,520
You ever wonder
why there's a dimmer switch in a bedroom?

232
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,640
That.

233
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:40,640
Yeah.

234
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,680
My girlfriend's younger than me,
so when she's 45, I'll be...

235
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:46,840
with someone else.

236
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,640
I've been in a relationship
for 20 years, and...

237
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,880
- Thank you.

238
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,280
The question I get asked most is,

239
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,920
how do you keep things fresh
in the bedroom?

240
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:02,600
Wet wipes.

241
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,240
Wet wipes for her.
I can wash my dick in the sink.

242
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,240
I believe that's called
a gentleman's rinse.

243
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,240
I'm quoting that from <i>Pride and Prejudice.</i>

244
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,200
There's the sequence
where she says to Mr. Darcy:

245
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,640
"Yes, sling it up me, but before you do,

246
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,400
it's a bit whiffy,
maybe a gentleman's rinse."

247
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,440
Some are laughing.
He's thinking, "I might read that."

248
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,560
I can't find my girlfriend's clitoris.

249
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,160
I suspect it's because
I've been looking in the wrong vaginas.

250
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,480
My girlfriend and I,
we've got cute little names,

251
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:46,760
when we're alone.

252
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,840
I call her kitten or bear.

253
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:52,080
And she calls me Jeff or Martin.

254
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,560
Something's going on.

255
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,040
Ever shouted out
the wrong name during sex?

256
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,760
That's embarrassing.
Especially if you're on your own.

257
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,320
Who's Dave?

258
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,000
I don't even know a Dave.

259
00:17:16,599 --> 00:17:18,480
Apologies, madam. I finished on you.

260
00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:24,960
My girlfriend shouts "daddy."
Which I think is a bit rude. "Daddy"?

261
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,400
There's three of us here,
not just you and your dad.

262
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,240
I need participation from the men.

263
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,880
Let's practice "yeah," on three.

264
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,080
- One, two, three.
- Yeah.

265
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,520
Sparta!

266
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,000
Masculine energy.

267
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,200
Just shout if this applies to you.

268
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,720
Ever been ghosted by a girl?
Sent a message, got nothing?

269
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:55,800
Yeah!

270
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,600
Ever had the opposite,
send a girl a message, got 30 back?

271
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,040
She's way too keen.

272
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:00,960
Yeah!

273
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,880
Had a girl cry during sex?

274
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,680
- Yeah!
- You're a rapist.

275
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,160
You raped a lady.

276
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,520
You remember that lady that was crying
while you fucked her? That one.

277
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,200
You raped that lady.

278
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,120
My girlfriend's not a morning person,

279
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,600
which is terrible
when someone close to her dies.

280
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:37,600
When my girlfriend's mom died,
it fell to me to break the news to her.

281
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,000
And that is one
of the most difficult text messages

282
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,400
I've ever had to send.

283
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,080
LOL means "Lots of love," right?

284
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,680
"Mom dead. LOL."

285
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,680
The reason I'm a comedian is my mother.

286
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:01,040
Had a hilarious,
larger-than-life Irish mother.

287
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,520
Very funny woman.

288
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,320
But more than that, she had a weird laugh.

289
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,680
People think I've got a weird laugh.

290
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,080
My laugh's weird. I laugh in, not out,

291
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,000
so instead of "ha, ha," it's more:

292
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,760
There's something of an asthmatic
donkey fucking a seal about my laugh.

293
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,360
Yeah. I get that.

294
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,560
Like a learning-disabled goose
having a panic attack.

295
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,520
My mother had a weirder laugh than I have.

296
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,040
So she had narcolepsy,
a thing called cataplexy,

297
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:39,400
where you lose muscular control
when you laugh.

298
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:43,320
Have you met someone
that makes no noise when they laugh?

299
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,480
No noise at all. Just like weirdly:

300
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,280
My mom had an extreme version

301
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:54,680
where she'd fully lose muscular control
when she laughed.

302
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,400
She'd fully stroke out.

303
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,080
I shouldn't really joke about strokes.

304
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,680
If I ever have a stroke,
I'll be laughing on the other side.

305
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,240
With that stroke joke,
I let this side down.

306
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:14,640
So my theory is,

307
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:18,320
I was motivated to make my mother laugh
when I was growing up.

308
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:21,120
Because if she walked in
with a tray of teas...

309
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:26,200
...if you could say shit funny enough,
she'd like:

310
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,600
She'd be gone. Fully gone.

311
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,280
Fucking brilliant.

312
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:49,000
Anyone here with their mom?
You guys are out with Mom, right?

313
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,560
Fucking tremendous.

314
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:51,920
- How old are you?
- Eighteen.

315
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,120
Eighteen?

316
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,360
- Eighteen, and out with Mom?
- Yeah.

317
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:56,640
Aw.

318
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,320
Can't imagine the next five minutes
is gonna go great for you, is it?

319
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,240
What? I used to go out
with my mom all the time.

320
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,520
She's very nice.
She brought us up on her own.

321
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,800
She'd invite us along to things.
She's very kind.

322
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,600
I remember, the only time
it ever went wrong,

323
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,480
I was about 13, and Mom said,
"You wanna come to the cinema?"

324
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:19,480
I went, "Yeah."

325
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,520
I went to see <i>9 1/2 Weeks </i>with my mom.

326
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:27,200
If you're not familiar,
it's a soft-core porn film from the '80s,

327
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,640
starring Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger.

328
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,120
I know that 'cause it's burnt
on my fucking retina.

329
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,920
It's soft-core porn.
Obviously, she didn't know.

330
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,920
We arrived at the cinema,
and this thing started.

331
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,400
I was like 13, just entering puberty,
watching soft-core porn with my mom.

332
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,000
Fucking awkward.

333
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,480
And as I say,
she's a very funny woman. She waited--

334
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,840
The whole thing is a sex scene,
but there's one where they're going at it

335
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,600
like a barn door in a fucking gale.

336
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,480
She nudged me, and so
the whole cinema could hear, she went:

337
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,800
"They'll sleep tonight."

338
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,640
Even at 26,
my mom did all my washing for me.

339
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,200
I remember sitting in the bath, thinking,
"I'm old enough to wash on my own, Mom."

340
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,560
My mom walked in on me masturbating.

341
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,200
I said, "Mom, stop masturbating."

342
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,840
You're looking at me like,
"Moms don't masturbate." Yeah, they do.

343
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:36,440
Your mom.

344
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,600
Here, I'll prove it to you.

345
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,880
You ever go home and there's
no batteries in the TV remote?

346
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,440
Mystery solved.

347
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,720
Mom's had some "me time."

348
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,280
She's only here to check me out.

349
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,840
It's a health and safety nightmare.
She could slip off her seat.

350
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,880
It's easier being a man
than a woman. We agree?

351
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:07,840
- Yes.
- Yeah.

352
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:11,120
I think it happens very early in life,
and our language betrays us.

353
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:15,200
When you were a little boy,
there's loads of fun names for your dick.

354
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,920
"Knob," "winky," "tommy banana."

355
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,960
"Tommy banana," it's a medical term.

356
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,440
For the girls, it's more difficult.

357
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:30,240
When I was growing up, the girls
would call their, uh, Sunday face...

358
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,640
They would call it their "fine china"

359
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:38,440
because they're rhyming slang,
"fine china, vagina."

360
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,360
I think it's a nice term. It was fine
until my father came home and said:

361
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,440
"The boss is coming to dinner.
Everyone on your best behavior."

362
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,600
Then turned to Mom and went,
"Better get your fine china out."

363
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,240
Someone wants that promotion.

364
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,240
It's quite a nice term, "fine china."

365
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,800
You only get your fine china out
on a special occasion.

366
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,080
"What's your fine china like?"
"It's got a little crack in it."

367
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,760
"Would you like cream in your fine china?

368
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,480
Would you rather in your mug?"

369
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,080
"I'm sorry, darling. I've smashed
your mother's fine china."

370
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:23,480
Just ladies on this,
because men can be dreadful,

371
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,200
favorite term,
now or then, for your vajayjay.

372
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,200
What do you call your vajayjay?

373
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:30,480
- "Minky"?

374
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:34,320
- Or "minke"?

375
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,280
Because it's soft like a mink?

376
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:38,360
Not like a minke whale,
not fucking massive.

377
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,440
Or has it? It's not a blowhole, is it?

378
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:44,640
Oh, that's-- Oh-- Fine.

379
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:46,280
Any others?

380
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:48,200
- Flower!
- "Flower"?

381
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,760
Have you got one of the squirty ones?
They're fun.

382
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:56,400
"This flower smells funny."

383
00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:58,800
Any other?

384
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,400
"Noony"? That's how much of it
I'm getting. None-y.

385
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,360
You don't think I'm ready for that jelly.

386
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:08,960
I had one the other day. There was a lady,

387
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,000
I guess mid-sixties, in my audience,
and I didn't get it at first.

388
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,400
We're talking about this,
and she went, "Beetle bonnet."

389
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,120
I went, "What?"

390
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,640
She went, "From my perspective,
when I look down, beetle bonnet."

391
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:23,880
Like the car bonnet.

392
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,360
Then her husband chipped in
with "gaping chasm of doom."

393
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,640
That's from his perspective.

394
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,200
Any other unusual ones?

395
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,440
"Princess palace"?

396
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:39,680
It's a palace?

397
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:42,200
Sounds roomy.

398
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:49,880
Is there a ballroom?

399
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:02,760
My girlfriend calls it her fufu,
which is a bit juvenile.

400
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:06,080
It makes Mr. Dingle Dangle
not wanna do the humpty hump.

401
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:09,960
We should do a heckle amnesty.

402
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,800
I like it when people join in and heckle.

403
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:14,000
- You know the rules, right?

404
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:15,680
You could join in,

405
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:19,280
no physical contact,
you can only use your mouth,

406
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,560
like your mom
when she's having a flare-up.

407
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:26,880
- Any heckles? Anyone care to...?

408
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,800
- What have you done to your hair?
- What have I done to my hair?

409
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:31,680
I've redistributed.

410
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,040
I had too much hair on the back
and not enough up here.

411
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:41,120
The glare would've taken your eyes out,
so it's for you that I've done this.

412
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:45,520
I think I've gone from having LEGO hair
to having Playmobil man hair.

413
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:50,880
They say you can't polish a turd,
but you can roll it in glitter, can't you?

414
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:54,960
Your suit don't fit you!

415
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:56,600
"Your suit don't fit you"?

416
00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:59,360
Who does it fucking fit? I mean...

417
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,280
Sorry? I bought it from a kids' shop?

418
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:08,520
I don't know how to explain this.
I'm not that small, I'm just far away.

419
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:20,520
You look like a puppet
without the string!

420
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:22,840
I look like a puppet without the string?

421
00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:27,720
Charlie, you chip in quite a lot,
don't you?

422
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:30,840
And sleep.

423
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:34,840
Bill Cosby taught me that.

424
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,520
He's not gonna like what happens next.

425
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:48,560
Scientists say
the largest sexual organ in the body

426
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,360
is actually the mind.

427
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,240
But that's because
those scientists haven't seen

428
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:55,640
Charlie's mom's fanny.

429
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:02,400
I'd like to thank Charlie's mom
for letting us use it.

430
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,360
It's a wonderful space. Wonderful space.

431
00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:12,960
No, I've got on very well with your mom.

432
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,520
I'll never forget
what your mom said to me.

433
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,000
"Let go of my ears,
I know what I'm doing."

434
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:25,520
I'm not being disrespectful.
I got on very well with his mom.

435
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:26,800
I made his mom come.

436
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:30,680
I remember clearly
because she dropped her chips.

437
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,640
Who here--? Who's under the age of 35?

438
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:37,960
Give us a shout.

439
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:40,920
Loads of us.

440
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,080
What? I've had a lot of work done.

441
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:49,000
I'm trying
to fucking Benjamin Button this thing.

442
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:51,640
Everything's changed, right?

443
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,200
Apps on our phones
have changed everything.

444
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,080
It's a generational change.
I'll explain, right?

445
00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:01,080
Uber, Lyft, any of the taxi apps,
press a button, the car is there,

446
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:03,840
clean, efficient,
it knows where you wanna go.

447
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,240
That used to be called mini cabs.

448
00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:10,080
Here's how it worked.
You got a copy of the <i>Yellow Pages,</i>

449
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:13,080
which was the old Internet printed out...

450
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:17,280
...you stood in the hallway of your house.

451
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,920
Why the hallway?

452
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,840
It's where the fucking phone lived.

453
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:27,160
You spoke to a woman
who lied to you about where a car was.

454
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:32,840
When it finally turned up, it smelled like
dogs and fags and fear and sexual assault.

455
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,640
Deliveroo, you got Deliveroo?
Postmates? Just Eat? Yeah?

456
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:42,600
Any foods you want delivered
to the door in half an hour.

457
00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:44,760
That used to be called takeaways.

458
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:46,680
You had two options,

459
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:48,960
Indian or Chinese.

460
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,680
And if you had a nut allergy,
you would die.

461
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,760
That was the old system, yeah.

462
00:29:56,840 --> 00:30:00,680
People my age would go,
"No one back in my day had a nut allergy."

463
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,720
They did. They just fucking died.

464
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,520
Remember the kid you were in
primary school with, the one that moved?

465
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:13,000
Mom tried to make a pad thai,
the silly bint. Dead.

466
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,880
- Instagram. You got Instagram?

467
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:18,000
Instagram's pretty good.

468
00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:21,120
We used to have to go to people's
houses to look at their holiday photos.

469
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,840
It didn't take long
'cause it was only ever 24 photos.

470
00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:28,360
Twenty-three of the holiday, one of a dog.

471
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:33,960
If you took a picture
of your breakfast in 1990

472
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,480
and showed it to everyone you knew,

473
00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:41,560
they would think you were a mental cunt.

474
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:47,240
That has not changed.

475
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,320
I used to take a photo
of everything I ate,

476
00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:57,600
but my new girlfriend's a private person.

477
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:05,080
We used to have Tamagotchis.
You remember Tamagotchis?

478
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:06,320
Yes!

479
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:09,880
The little digital things that you would
keep alive by giving them attention?

480
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:12,920
We've still got them.
They're called Instagram models.

481
00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:17,960
- Tinder. You all got the Tinder?

482
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:19,240
Tinder's all right.

483
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:21,960
We always had Tinder,
but Tinder used to work differently.

484
00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:24,160
Tinder used to be called going out.

485
00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:28,120
Here's how Tinder used to work.
If you liked a woman,

486
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:29,640
you'd go dance near her.

487
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:33,880
Yeah, I've still got it.

488
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:38,360
She would swipe left or right
by either walking away

489
00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:40,440
or not walking away.

490
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:44,960
That was the system.
It's a miracle anyone got their dick wet.

491
00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:49,080
Sorry, you might be too young.
You're not missing out.

492
00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,200
It's basically Deliveroo for chlamydia.

493
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:56,960
- Facebook. Have you got Facebook?
- Yes!

494
00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:59,560
Facebook's all right.
We've always had Facebook.

495
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:01,640
The job of Facebook has been done
in society,

496
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,640
but it didn't used
to be done by technology.

497
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:06,920
The job of Facebook used
to be done by your moms.

498
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:10,440
I'll explain. Here's how Facebook worked
in the '80s.

499
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:12,960
You'd go in the house. Go in the kitchen.

500
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:16,640
You'd make tea. You'd sit down.
Your mom would rush in and go:

501
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:20,200
"Do you remember that lady we used
to live opposite? She just had a baby."

502
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:23,520
And you'd think, "I couldn't give a fuck."

503
00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:27,600
Facebook.

504
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:35,440
Netflix. You got Netflix?

505
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:36,640
Yes!

506
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:39,920
Of course. Netflix used
to be called Blockbuster Video.

507
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:45,840
Instead of sitting on the sofa,
arguing about what you were gonna watch,

508
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:49,800
you had to go to a special shop
in the high street and fight in public.

509
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,240
And here's the bit
I think millennials can't understand.

510
00:32:55,320 --> 00:33:00,160
If you wanted to watch a good film,
you couldn't, because some other cunt was.

511
00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:08,080
You'd get home,
"Did you get the new <i>Terminator </i>film?"

512
00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:12,680
"No. Some other cunt's watching that.
I got <i>Weekend at Bernie's."</i>

513
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:17,800
"Oh, that's gonna be shit." "Yeah, we're
watching it. What are you gonna do?"

514
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:22,440
The pricing system was straight-up lunacy.

515
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:26,960
It was £5 for two films, but then
it was more if you didn't rewind the film.

516
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,200
We used to have to rewind films!

517
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:34,240
Suitcases didn't always have wheels.

518
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:40,760
I don't know why I'm so angry.

519
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:46,880
If you were late returning a film...

520
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:48,720
Ohh!

521
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:52,960
Heaven forfend. It's like
a fucking ransom note turned up.

522
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:57,360
£12 for the safe return of <i>Turner & Hooch.</i>

523
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:01,840
If you were late returning it
to Blockbuster three times,

524
00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:04,000
they banned you from the shop.

525
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:06,920
They didn't need your business.

526
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,360
It turns out they did. They went bust.

527
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:15,400
But they didn't just turn on Netflix
the day Blockbuster went under.

528
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:17,920
No. There was a weird stage
in between for years.

529
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:21,080
There was a thing in the U.K.
called LoveFilm.

530
00:34:21,159 --> 00:34:24,520
Where they would post you a DVD,
and you'd watch the DVD,

531
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:26,719
and then you'd post the DVD back.

532
00:34:27,199 --> 00:34:29,560
Like you were pen pals with a shop.

533
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:34,400
LoveFilm, it sounds
like the coating on a dildo.

534
00:34:38,199 --> 00:34:41,159
"Give this a rinse.
It's got LoveFilm all over it."

535
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,960
I met a girl in the audience
with a weird job.

536
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:50,080
Chatting with the audience,
this girl, I said, "What do you do?"

537
00:34:50,159 --> 00:34:52,120
She said, "I work in marketing." In what?

538
00:34:52,199 --> 00:34:56,159
She went, "I'm head of marketing
for a prosthetic limbs company."

539
00:34:56,679 --> 00:34:59,000
I'd never met an arms dealer before.

540
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:05,120
I said, "You sell used ones?
That'd be a secondhand shop."

541
00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:11,400
We can all agree.
That is a woman robbing a living, right?

542
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:16,120
'Cause if ever there was a product
that requires zero marketing spent,

543
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:17,920
it's prosthetic limbs.

544
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,240
What's going on in that showroom?
"Can I help you, sir?"

545
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:24,320
"Just browsing, thank you."

546
00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:29,680
"I was passing and thought I'd hop in."

547
00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:35,440
"It might interest you to learn,
there's 50% off right legs."

548
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:38,760
"That's what happened to me."

549
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:48,120
"Maybe I could help you make a decision."
"Thanks. I've been stumped."

550
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,760
"I don't want this
to cost me an arm and a leg."

551
00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:56,680
The only way to market prosthetic limbs
is to manufacture land mines.

552
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:02,880
Terrible thing. Joke about
a terrible thing. We've been through this.

553
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:08,200
If I was making a bomb,
I'd paint all the wires the same color.

554
00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:15,400
It's not a joke. It's just a good idea.

555
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,880
I have a friend
that suffers terrible mood swings.

556
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:23,160
Goes from happy to sad in an instant.

557
00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:26,200
Could be laughing one minute,
tears the next, basically bipolar.

558
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:29,480
What I'm saying is,
I've got a friend that's a woman.

559
00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:37,840
Really? You were laughing a minute ago,
and now you've got a face on.

560
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:41,560
You basically proved my point.

561
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:44,960
That's a meta joke, isn't it?

562
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:56,680
The young woman that lives opposite me
has started her own webcam business.

563
00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:58,480
She'll be thrilled when she finds out.

564
00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:03,760
Hotel sex is better than home sex.

565
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,840
You make noise. You can make a mess.
Your wife's not there. Better.

566
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:14,240
Oh, so here's a story. I was
at a doctor's, about two years ago.

567
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,920
He said, "I need a sperm sample."
I said, "No problem."

568
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,240
He said, "Would you like help
from an attractive Russian nurse?"

569
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:21,240
I went, "Yeah."

570
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:25,640
"Send in the Russian nurse."
This gorgeous, could-have-been-a-model

571
00:37:25,720 --> 00:37:29,200
Russian nurse walked in.
Called Vlad, big bloke.

572
00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:35,840
He got me. So Vlad goes,
"Would you like to masturbate in the cup?"

573
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,520
I said, "I'm good,
but I'm not ready for competition yet."

574
00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:49,400
And then Vlad takes me off to--
They've got a room in the doctor's office

575
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,040
specifically for the purpose
of collecting sperm samples.

576
00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:55,120
I don't know what they call the room.
The wank bank?

577
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:58,000
No. Something medical,
something Latin-sounding.

578
00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:00,240
I don't know. The, uh--
The masturbatorium.

579
00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:06,040
Not half bad, masturbatorium.
Sounds like something from <i>Harry Potter.</i>

580
00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:10,120
"Ah, it's the masturbatorium, Harry,
for the Expelliarmus."

581
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,600
So sorry, I got you again there.

582
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,600
So they've got everything you need

583
00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:21,160
for the matter in hand, literally,
in this room.

584
00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:23,080
They've got a lock. Important.

585
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:26,640
They've got a seat, a loo, a sink,
and they give you--

586
00:38:26,720 --> 00:38:29,800
When you're giving sperm
in a doctor's office, they give you porn.

587
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,160
Hardcore porn.

588
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:34,520
Quite a lot of ass stuff,
not really to my taste.

589
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:37,000
But whatever.
I'll work with it. I'm a trouper.

590
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:42,120
So I'm in there, and I'm doing what a man
needs to do to produce a sperm sample.

591
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:43,960
I'm about to complete the mission.

592
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:47,200
I'm on what's referred to
as the vinegar strokes...

593
00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:54,440
...when I notice
out of the corner of my eye

594
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,520
there's another drawer
with porn for straight men.

595
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:05,400
Well, now I feel a fool.

596
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:09,800
- Are there any lesbians in?

597
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:11,080
One over there?

598
00:39:11,640 --> 00:39:12,960
Hi. What's your name?

599
00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:15,160
- Aisha.
- Aisha. Hi, Aisha.

600
00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:17,480
Do you mind me asking,
are you a gold-star lesbian?

601
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:18,400
I guess so.

602
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:20,640
- Are you not familiar with the term?
- No.

603
00:39:20,720 --> 00:39:22,840
- You look young. Are you new to this?
- Yeah.

604
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,440
- Well, how old are you, Aisha?
- Nineteen.

605
00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:28,840
Christ. Yeah, you've not been
smashing pasties for long.

606
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:36,120
It's an expression.

607
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:41,840
Aisha, I'll, uh... So a gold-star lesbian
is a lady that has--

608
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:46,320
How can I put this politely?
Has never had a vitamin D injection.

609
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:53,160
Whereas you get other girls that are
try-before-you're-bi. Bi now, gay later.

610
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:56,760
They try the D, but it's not for them.

611
00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:59,080
"I don't like it.
It's pointy, and it spat at me."

612
00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:05,480
I had sex with a lesbian once.
Well, she is now.

613
00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:11,480
I've got a friend who's a lesbian,
a gold-star lesbian.

614
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:14,640
You would know
she was a lesbian from 400 yards.

615
00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:18,080
She's all tatted up,
got the sleeve, the short hair,

616
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,040
rolls her own tampons.

617
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:31,880
All about that life.

618
00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:39,520
You're not meant to ask, I asked--
She's my age, late forties.

619
00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:43,160
I said, "You've never been with a man,
how'd you know you wouldn't like it?"

620
00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:47,160
She said, "You've never had a dick in you,
how do you know you wouldn't like it?"

621
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:51,240
I said, "Because I've never fucked myself
with a plastic dick."

622
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:56,600
She said, "Never?"

623
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:02,440
I said, "Let's get a drink.
We're being silly."

624
00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:07,320
I go to a nurse--
Any nurses in? We got nurses?

625
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:09,760
Is there one there? What kind of nurse?

626
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,440
Adult nurse.
You work in the emergency room?

627
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:14,720
Have you worked in an emergency room?

628
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:18,360
You have? What's the weirdest thing
anyone's come in with stuck--

629
00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:21,240
You know people come with the bum-bums.

630
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:23,760
- Well, I got told a story...

631
00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:25,080
What, sorry?

632
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:27,000
A Yankee Candle?

633
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:34,480
I suppose it is dark up there, isn't it?

634
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,160
You can't see where you're going.

635
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:41,720
Yankee Candle though, so...

636
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:43,800
Well, no need to ask how you two met.

637
00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:48,760
"I like candles." "I like candles too.
I really like candles."

638
00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:53,120
There was a nurse in couple of months ago,

639
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,360
I'm chatting, said,
"What's the weirdest thing?"

640
00:41:55,440 --> 00:41:59,720
She said, "A guy walked in
with an unbroken light bulb up there."

641
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,960
- Walked in, unbroken.

642
00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:05,520
Makes you proud to be British.

643
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,240
A light bulb?

644
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:10,560
Imagine the x-ray.

645
00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:13,280
It must've looked like
someone's asshole had an idea.

646
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:19,200
Any other good ones?

647
00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:21,080
A fountain pen in his penis.

648
00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:23,200
A fountain pen in his penis?

649
00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:30,760
What was he trying to sign?

650
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:36,440
Clever dick.

651
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:40,200
How long ago was this, Charlie?

652
00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:53,040
I had a prostate exam. Got my thumbs-up.

653
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:58,840
I'll tell you what you don't wanna hear
after a prostate exam, "Now you do me."

654
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:02,040
"You're not a real doctor.

655
00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:05,120
I shouldn't even be in a park."

656
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:10,320
"Fool me once, shame on you.
This is the second time this week.

657
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:13,320
Was that even a finger?"

658
00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:22,200
My nana's got something that helps her
meet new people all the time.

659
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:23,440
Alzheimer's.

660
00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:31,040
I got in trouble
for doing a joke about Alzheimer's.

661
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:34,240
Just a month before, I'd done
a benefit gig for Alzheimer's charity.

662
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,520
Just saying some people
have got very short memories.

663
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:42,080
No, I shouldn't be disrespectful.

664
00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:44,480
My grandparents struggled
to put food on the table.

665
00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:47,000
They both had Parkinson's.

666
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:51,320
Soup was a real no-no.

667
00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:57,440
Have you had sex
with someone really religious?

668
00:43:57,520 --> 00:44:00,120
I have, but he got moved
to another parish.

669
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:08,600
As a kid, for five years,
I was in the church choir.

670
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:11,480
Now, I can't sing that well.

671
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:13,360
But, boy, can I suck a cock.

672
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:20,240
I had a complaint about that joke.

673
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:22,400
A young man came up to me
outside the theater,

674
00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:27,000
clearly emotionally distressed,
he said, "Hey, I was abused by a priest."

675
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:28,680
I said, "No.

676
00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:30,240
No, you weren't.

677
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:33,000
I was just dressed as a priest."

678
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:41,280
Pedophiles get a bad rap.

679
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:47,480
But if it wasn't for pedophiles,

680
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:50,760
I wouldn't be able to light a fire,
put up a tent, or keep a secret.

681
00:44:53,720 --> 00:44:55,040
I left the Scouts

682
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:59,320
when I discovered I was the only one
that did their salty secrets badge.

683
00:45:05,720 --> 00:45:08,040
That was a hell
of a fucking phrase, isn't it?

684
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:11,840
Let's joke about something nicer.
An old school friend of mine

685
00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:15,360
just had a face and neck lift.
I say that. He hanged himself.

686
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:22,080
Is that wrong?

687
00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:26,120
Meat is hung, men are hanged.
I've got it right.

688
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:30,040
Last year, a friend of mine tried
to take his own life,

689
00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:33,560
and I went to see him a couple
of days later, his wife was in bits.

690
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:36,000
I said, "How's he doing?
Is he hanging in there?"

691
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:37,840
She said, "No, he's hanging in there."

692
00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:45,760
Obviously, killing yourself is
the last thing you should do.

693
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:49,000
- Come on!
- What?

694
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:50,320
Can't top that.

695
00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:56,160
There's things you just can't say anymore.
I did a joke about schizophrenia.

696
00:45:56,240 --> 00:45:58,640
A very serious mental ailment,

697
00:45:58,720 --> 00:46:01,000
but this was a joke about it,
not the actual thing.

698
00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:03,920
This lady came up to me
at the stage door, livid.

699
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:06,840
She went, "How would you like it
if you were schizophrenic?"

700
00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:09,280
I said, "Well, we're not,
so we're not bothered, are we?"

701
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:15,520
I'm glad you like that.
I was in two minds about that joke.

702
00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:23,520
Progressive types say that we shouldn't
use gendered-sexual swear words,

703
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:25,960
but those words are so expressive.

704
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:28,680
We can't lose those words
from our language

705
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:32,800
just because some pricks are total pussies
or wanna fanny about being dicks

706
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:36,680
'cause they can't hear the word cock
without crying like a twat, silly cunts.

707
00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:48,360
Let's get to the career-ender, shall we?

708
00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:53,400
I've written
some potentially career-ending jokes.

709
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:56,880
Yeah. I think we all have
come to terms with the fact,

710
00:46:56,960 --> 00:46:59,480
I get canceled
in the next couple of years, right?

711
00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:01,480
- Yeah.
- Yeah, chances are.

712
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:04,000
Here's the good news.
I'm going down swinging.

713
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:09,480
I used to worry about telling a joke
so offensive I would never work again,

714
00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:13,200
but that was just me thinking
like a gender-fluid snowflake.

715
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:18,280
No, you paid good money
to see an edgy comedian, right?

716
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:21,320
- Yeah.
- It'd be remiss of me not to deliver that.

717
00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:24,360
It's never about offending people,
it's about making people laugh.

718
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,480
If I offend people, that's just a bonus.

719
00:47:29,040 --> 00:47:31,000
I believe passionately
in freedom of speech,

720
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:35,120
but I do my best not to offend any
ethnic minorities, gender-neutral groups,

721
00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:37,080
or fat, disabled, lesbian nunces.

722
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:43,960
That said, this next five minutes
is gonna be closer to the bone

723
00:47:44,040 --> 00:47:46,200
than a fat girl eating KFC.

724
00:47:50,960 --> 00:47:52,120
Yeah.

725
00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:55,320
KFC, or as I like to call it,
"the salty pigeon."

726
00:47:56,960 --> 00:47:59,240
You never see a pigeon
outside of KFC, do you?

727
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:02,720
It's like their Auschwitz.

728
00:48:08,720 --> 00:48:10,480
Right. Career-enders.

729
00:48:12,560 --> 00:48:15,920
When I give my opinion
on gender or race issues,

730
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:20,080
people say, "It's easy for you to say
as a straight white man."

731
00:48:20,160 --> 00:48:24,080
But when I give my opinion
as a gay Chinese lady...

732
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:28,680
...they don't like the accent I do.

733
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:38,680
All right, we're all still in. Great!

734
00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:41,360
I make my own vegetables.

735
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:42,720
I've got a hammer.

736
00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:54,800
I'd like to try anal sex again,
but my girlfriend's a little torn.

737
00:49:02,080 --> 00:49:05,080
Are there young ladies?
Ladies in their 20s, give a shout.

738
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:09,360
You wanna go out, get drunk,
wanna have fun, right?

739
00:49:09,440 --> 00:49:12,120
But you don't have
a huge budget at this age.

740
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:16,320
You wanna be cost-effective.
May I recommend the vodka tampon?

741
00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:19,920
It's exactly what you think it is.

742
00:49:20,720 --> 00:49:24,400
Get a tampon, soak it in vodka,
just a capful will suffice.

743
00:49:24,480 --> 00:49:26,200
Pop it in your fine china.

744
00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:29,200
Very drunk. Very quickly.

745
00:49:30,280 --> 00:49:32,440
And if you're menstruating, Bloody Mary.

746
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:43,280
What I love about that is,
someone will try it.

747
00:49:46,680 --> 00:49:48,480
Who's got kids?
Give a shout if you got kids.

748
00:49:49,720 --> 00:49:52,920
Most of you. Can I thank the people
with kids for coming out to the show?

749
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:54,160
Thank you so much.

750
00:49:54,240 --> 00:49:57,520
Because we've all lost friends
to their kids.

751
00:49:58,240 --> 00:50:02,400
People we used to love spending time with,
they had kids, we haven't seen them since.

752
00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:06,280
And that's not the worst. The worst is
when they have kids, they still come out,

753
00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:10,520
but all they wanna do is talk
about their kids all the fucking time.

754
00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:13,440
I never know what you're supposed to say.

755
00:50:13,520 --> 00:50:16,040
What are you supposed to say
when they show you photos?

756
00:50:16,120 --> 00:50:18,720
"Yeah, he's lovely,
but, no, I haven't seen him."

757
00:50:21,640 --> 00:50:24,200
"No, I can't help you look.
I'm super busy.

758
00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:27,920
If you're that bothered,
you should've kept the lookout.

759
00:50:29,280 --> 00:50:32,040
It's a joke. I know where he is."

760
00:50:35,600 --> 00:50:37,520
And the joke's on them, really.

761
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:39,480
"He doesn't look like that anymore."

762
00:50:41,640 --> 00:50:43,280
"He's got sad eyes now."

763
00:50:48,440 --> 00:50:50,840
I don't like it
when people say their kid is adopted.

764
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:52,920
What difference does it make?
It's your kid,

765
00:50:53,000 --> 00:50:56,160
whether it's biologically yours
or a rescue.

766
00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:03,440
I hate when coat hangers get tangled up
and you can't use them.

767
00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:05,080
"So we're keeping the baby!"

768
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:12,640
That's an unfortunate response
from some of you.

769
00:51:13,160 --> 00:51:15,680
That joke's only there
to warm you up for this one.

770
00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:22,400
In Alabama, in America, they've made it
effectively impossible to get an abortion,

771
00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:24,920
even if you get raped.

772
00:51:25,000 --> 00:51:27,520
That is so fucked up. Think about that.

773
00:51:27,600 --> 00:51:31,120
You serve your time, you get out,
you gotta pay child support. Nightmare!

774
00:51:40,920 --> 00:51:42,160
I was in Amsterdam.

775
00:51:42,240 --> 00:51:45,640
This story is going exactly
where you think it's going.

776
00:51:46,240 --> 00:51:49,360
I was in Amsterdam on tour,
and I walked from my venue

777
00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:52,320
to the hotel across town,
through the red-light district.

778
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:56,960
I got propositioned by a girl,
young girl, I mean, mid-20s, I would say,

779
00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:58,520
wearing next to nothing,

780
00:51:58,600 --> 00:52:00,560
just standing on a stoop.

781
00:52:00,640 --> 00:52:03,360
And as I walked by,
she sort of brazenly went:

782
00:52:03,840 --> 00:52:05,240
"Are you interested?"

783
00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:07,840
"Oh, I don't have to pay for sex.

784
00:52:08,680 --> 00:52:09,880
I'm a rapist."

785
00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:19,440
Can I end my career in eight words?
What do you think?

786
00:52:19,520 --> 00:52:21,200
Yeah!

787
00:52:21,280 --> 00:52:23,920
Have a little faith.
Of course I fucking can.

788
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:27,920
Let's count them off.
"You can prevent any rape.

789
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:30,120
Just say yes."

790
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:41,080
You look like you don't wanna laugh
at that rape joke.

791
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,680
But somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.

792
00:52:46,840 --> 00:52:50,760
I'll give you a minute.
This joke is wrong on a number of levels.

793
00:52:51,240 --> 00:52:52,960
I want you to enjoy them all.

794
00:52:54,400 --> 00:52:57,840
It starts off fine,
it goes south real quick,

795
00:52:57,920 --> 00:53:01,520
and then it pulls it back at the last
possible second. It's a real journey.

796
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:04,800
I don't like it
when airport security asks me

797
00:53:04,880 --> 00:53:07,080
to take off my shoes in the airport.

798
00:53:07,160 --> 00:53:10,400
Really, Heathrow?
Just got a new carpet, have you?

799
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:13,840
I wouldn't take off my shoes
if I was visiting a mosque.

800
00:53:16,080 --> 00:53:19,360
And that kind
of cultural insensitivity towards Islam

801
00:53:19,440 --> 00:53:22,160
should tell you I'm not the guy
you're looking for.

802
00:53:32,400 --> 00:53:35,640
Right. This should be a career-ender.
Strap in. You ready?

803
00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:40,000
When people talk about the Holocaust...

804
00:53:45,440 --> 00:53:48,800
When people talk about the Holocaust,
they talk about the tragedy and horror

805
00:53:48,880 --> 00:53:52,960
of 6 million Jewish lives being lost
to the Nazi war machine.

806
00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:56,640
But they never mention the thousands
of Gypsies that were killed by the Nazis.

807
00:53:56,720 --> 00:53:58,160
No one talks about that

808
00:53:58,240 --> 00:54:01,680
because no one ever wants
to talk about the positives.

809
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:14,680
That's a very good joke for three reasons.
Firstly, fucking funny. Well done, me.

810
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:17,720
Secondly, edgy as all hell.

811
00:54:17,800 --> 00:54:20,600
A joke about the worst thing
that's ever happened in history.

812
00:54:20,680 --> 00:54:21,960
People say, "Never forget."

813
00:54:22,040 --> 00:54:24,600
This is how I remember.
I keep bringing it up.

814
00:54:26,080 --> 00:54:28,840
Third reason is
there's an educational quality.

815
00:54:28,920 --> 00:54:31,760
Everyone knows 6 million Jewish people

816
00:54:31,840 --> 00:54:34,200
lost their lives to the Nazis
during World War II.

817
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:36,840
A lot of people don't know,
because it's not taught,

818
00:54:36,920 --> 00:54:39,720
that the Nazis also killed,
in their thousands,

819
00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:44,440
Gypsies, homosexuals,
disabled people, and Jehovah's Witnesses.

820
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:48,240
No one knows what happened
with the Jehovah's Witnesses.

821
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:51,440
You'd have to assume
some Jehovah's Witnesses

822
00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:54,160
came knocking on the gates
of a death camp...

823
00:54:57,680 --> 00:55:00,480
...with a copy
of a magazine called <i>Watchtower.</i>

824
00:55:02,440 --> 00:55:04,440
Some enterprising Nazi guard:

825
00:55:04,520 --> 00:55:07,720
"Ah, yes, come in.
Very interested in your magazines.

826
00:55:08,960 --> 00:55:11,720
The <i>Watchtower</i>.
We have the watchtowers here.

827
00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:14,800
It is, how you say, a 'coinkydink.'

828
00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:21,360
This is long journey for the Witnesses?

829
00:55:21,840 --> 00:55:24,080
Come in, freshen up, take a shower."

830
00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:32,520
I hope you've enjoyed
the evening. You have, right?

831
00:55:32,600 --> 00:55:33,600
Yeah!

832
00:55:33,680 --> 00:55:36,760
I hope none of you needed it.
Sometimes you need it.

833
00:55:36,840 --> 00:55:39,560
When life is shit, you need a laugh.

834
00:55:39,640 --> 00:55:42,720
When things are terrible,
you need a laugh.

835
00:55:42,800 --> 00:55:44,800
We've got the best sense of humor.

836
00:55:44,880 --> 00:55:47,480
It's best to have
a very dark sense of humor, right?

837
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:48,520
Yeah!

838
00:55:48,600 --> 00:55:51,480
At least when our life is shit,
we can laugh about it.

839
00:55:53,320 --> 00:55:58,120
I feel sorry for those that get offended,
for those that can't laugh at dark shit.

840
00:55:58,200 --> 00:56:00,920
When their life is terrible,
they've gotta white-knuckle it.

841
00:56:03,480 --> 00:56:04,520
We get to giggle,

842
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:08,800
which is a long roundabout way
of saying I did a gig in a hospice.

843
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:17,960
I'm gonna talk about death and cancer now,
but don't worry, I'm very funny.

844
00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:23,640
So I did a gig in a hospice.
It's a <i>Just for Laughs</i>.

845
00:56:23,720 --> 00:56:27,200
The comedy festival in Montreal.
The charity is Hope & Cope. Great people.

846
00:56:27,280 --> 00:56:29,680
We do the gig every year,
for seven, eight years.

847
00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:33,680
And what they do is
they put on a concert in a hospice.

848
00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:38,880
It's 200 dying people in the audience,
and we put on a comedy show. It's great.

849
00:56:38,960 --> 00:56:43,080
And last time, I went on last,
so I watched from the back of the room.

850
00:56:43,160 --> 00:56:46,360
And the other comics,
they all did great, all got big laughs,

851
00:56:46,440 --> 00:56:50,960
but no one talked about death and cancer
in a room full of death and cancer.

852
00:56:51,040 --> 00:56:55,080
I was chatting to a friend, I said,
"No one's mentioned what's going on."

853
00:56:55,160 --> 00:56:56,920
He said, "You should mention it."

854
00:57:00,160 --> 00:57:03,720
I'm like, "Yeah, no, I should.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."

855
00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:09,520
And then I felt like
I'd be shortchanging them if I didn't.

856
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:12,280
I felt like I had to.
So I walked up on-stage,

857
00:57:12,360 --> 00:57:16,600
with some degree of trepidation,
in front of 200 people dying of cancer.

858
00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:20,440
I said, "Come on,
we haven't got much time. Well, I have."

859
00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:25,840
And the laugh was extraordinary.

860
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:29,720
It was like the volume had been turned up,
and suddenly there was air in the room,

861
00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:34,360
and this dark ominous presence
was being taken down and laughed at.

862
00:57:34,440 --> 00:57:37,280
I was enthused,
and it felt really empowering,

863
00:57:37,360 --> 00:57:39,760
and I got carried away
and I took it too far.

864
00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:47,720
They were fine, but I followed up with,
"Is anyone here from last year?"

865
00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:51,600
"Spoiler alert!"

866
00:57:55,520 --> 00:57:58,760
I finished with a couple
of my favorite cancer jokes.

867
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:04,680
Don't look at me like, "He doesn't have
favorite cancer jokes." Of course I do.

868
00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:08,080
"My father died."

869
00:58:08,640 --> 00:58:10,040
"Really? What was it?"

870
00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:11,640
"The big C."

871
00:58:12,560 --> 00:58:13,600
"Cancer."

872
00:58:14,160 --> 00:58:15,560
"No. He drowned."

873
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:21,480
Terrible thing.

874
00:58:22,040 --> 00:58:24,080
Joke about a terrible thing.

875
00:58:24,160 --> 00:58:25,880
We've been through this.

876
00:58:27,720 --> 00:58:31,320
That's the end of my show,
and possibly, the end of my career.

877
00:58:31,400 --> 00:58:35,280
You've been great. Thank you very much.
Thanks for coming out.

878
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:39,240
I really appreciate it.
Thank you very much.

879
00:58:39,800 --> 00:58:42,120
See you all again. Cheers. Good night.