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- Sing Goddess, Achilles' rage
black, murderous, that cost the Greeks incalculable pain
pitched countless souls of heroes into Hades' dark.
Left their bodies to rot
as corpses for dogs and birds.
- Did you learn that last night?
There's not a lot here is there,
really, when you think about it?
- No, it's not like the film.
It was all sandy beaches, wasn't it?
- Greeks were camped here for ten years.
- Too long, isn't it? - Too long to camp.
I can do a week, tops.
- In the Lake District. - Yeah, with a pillow.
I won't camp without a pillow.
- Had a bad dream last night.
- How was it, a portent?
- I don't know, it was, it was bad.
- I had a portent once on the old groundsheet.
Stick your head out more.
Find your light. That's it.
Do an "ah-hah."
- Ah-hah! - Got it.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Here's to an enjoyable excursion.
- Yeah, hmm.
Hmm.
Bellissimo. - Hmm, hmm, hmm.
It's very odd, isn't it, to start
a trip to Greece in Turkey?
- It was the Observers' idea, um, to retrace the steps of, um
Odysseus and the Odyssey, so that-- that's we're doing.
- A ten-year odyssey in six days, I mean
it's a-- it's ambitious, Steve.
- It-- it might sound ambitious, but if you think of
uh, "Ulysses," by James Joyce.
- Thanks for telling me the author, I'd never have known.
- I'm just putting the information out there in case you don't...
I don't want, you know...
- Well, that's like me saying
"Harry Potter" by J. K. Rowling.
- I wouldn't put "Harry Potter" and "Ulysses"
in the same, in the same camp.
Apart from they're both books. But, um--
- "Harry Potter" has sold truckloads of books.
- Yeah, but the thing is, I don't measure success by
units sold.
- You're always telling me the figures for your TV shows.
- And, yes, but it's not it's just--
- And the consolidated ones at that. - It's yes.
- 'Cause the actual time of viewing aren't impressive
but you do tell me the consolidated figures.
- It's nice to be liked, but you shouldn't go out there
trying to be liked.
- If you think that we have been doing these
trips for nearly ten years
then I suppose the, in a macro sense
we've been on this odyssey for ten years.
- Yeah? - Is it ten years?
- Yeah. It is.
Since the Lakes.
- Hmm.
- A bit of Richard Gere there. Hmm.
Just looking off.
- Huh. - Yeah, lovely.
Yeah. And you're looking more like him as well.
- That's good? - No, I wasn't being serious.
I was joking. - Oh.
- You look nothing like him. - Ah.
- My God, you lapped the compliment up, didn't you?
Look at that. - Well, it's not unreasonable.
I'm-- I'm not... I, I mean, I'm wearing my years
reasonably well.
- Yeah, but in no way do you resemble Richard Gere.
- Okay, I don't think--
- You look like a great Steve Coogan.
'Cause you're looking terrific.
- And I'm happy with that, more than that.
- Yeah, you clutched at Richard Gere.
- I look better as I get older. Lots of women say that.
- Yes, you do, yes, you do.
Well, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna say it as well
I'm saying it, you look better older.
- Well, thank you.
- You were unpalatable as a young man.
What's this?
- If I'm not mistaken, it's a Penguin classic.
- And it's by Aristotle.
- I know Ari, yeah. I know all the Stotles.
- Poetics. Listen to this.
"Epic poetry and the composition of tragedy, as well as comedy
"and the arts of poetry and music are
"all imitations.
"Imitation comes naturally to human beings.
And so does the universal pleasure in imitation."
- Um... - Not my words.
The words of Aristotle.
So much of-- of art and acting is imitation.
Nothing wrong with it.
You did a fantastic imitation
uh, of Stan Laurel in Stan and Ollie, it was superb.
- Hmm. I'm not sure it's an imitation, that's the thing.
- I watched it on a BAFTA screener.
I only paused it three times to go to the kitchen.
And that in our house...
That's good. - Yeah. Okay, well, yeah.
- You had-- You had this, yeah?
Had the-- the pause, you know the pause?
- Hmm. - You did that beautifully.
- I certainly did. - Hmm!
Now, why don't you just stop sitting there and help me?
Hmm?
- Well, I'd-- I'd try, but, uh, I-- I...
I don't know what you want me to do.
- Stan Laurel and Tom Hardy, ready?
Why don't you just come and hit me instead of sitting there?
- I can't hear what you're saying, Tom
you always mumble your lines.
- Hmm!
Thank you very much. Lovely, really nice.
I'm being bitten.
It doesn't help that we're under a tree.
Insects love to be under trees. Do you know why?
- Yeah, I-- I went out on my land recently.
- Yeah. - Uh, to sit under a tree.
- Thirty-six acres, isn't it? - Thirty-eight.
And I went to sit under a tree just to--
- To think. Just to think?
- No, no, to read a book, actually, I put a blanket down
just 'cause, you know, there's a tree, and I sat under it and, um
started to read, and loads of flies started
hovering over my head, so...
So, I just got up and just went back in the house.
I had this idea that it would--
- Steve Coogan, ladies and gentlemen
wonderful stories from Steve, um
and there'll be more from him at the same time next week.
You know, you must do that one about the flies under the, uh
under the tree, I mean, it-- it's wonderful stuff.
Fred said he saw you at, uh, Lords Taverner's
doing that, and, uh
had the room in the palm of his hand
that's, that's what he said.
Wonderful story.
The new Ustinov.
- Steve Coogan.
If you heard that story Steve's telling?
No, what is it?
Oh, he's at the house, you know the house in Sussex?
Yeah. Well, he-- he took a book out.
No, go on. Um, he wanted to read.
And he went out, and he's got 38 acres.
Yes. He finds a tree, puts a blanket down.
Oh, it's idyllic.
And, uh, flies gathered above his head.
He went back in the house.
- I mean, he's... Oh, God.
God. And some people say he's just Alan Partridge.
He's not.
There's whole other sides to him.
- So, sir, your main courses.
- Oh, lovely, very nice. - Thank you.
- Lamb chops. - Chop, chop.
- With mint sauce. - Looks lovely.
- Enjoy, monsieur. - That's lovely.
Thank you very much.
- You like lamb, don't you? - I do, I love lamb.
Lamb's very good because, um, it doesn't lend itself
to intensive farming, so if you can't make an organic choice
lamb's a safe bet.
My publisher wants me to use
the "Odyssey" as a peg on which to hang my Odyssey
through life of the media.
- Isn't that what you wrote when we were in Spain?
- A version of that, yeah, but, um, it was successful
so they want sort of a variation on the theme.
- I do think as you get older it's inevitable, you repeat yourself.
But this is the fourth time we've been on one of these
little jaunts.
- Well, originality is overrated.
'Cause everything's a derivative of something.
The greatest poem in the Roman Empire
was a rip-off of the "Odyssey."
- Which one?
- "The Aeneid." - Oh.
- hereas the "Odyssey's" about Odysseus fleeing
Troy to-- to go home, um
the "Aeneid" is about a Trojan fleeing the city
uh, with his father and his son.
- What about his wife?
- He's lost her along the way, you know.
Shit, shit happens.
Um, on the plus side, he went on to found Rome
so lose a wife, found an empire.
This was like a kind of interrogation.
Sitting like this.
- Your desserts, sir. - Thank you.
It's black mulberry sauce.
- Thank you very much, could we have the bill please?
- Okay, sir. - Thank you very much.
- If it was an interrogation, this would be very
this would be the nice part before the nasty one.
Let's have some dessert.
- We'd, we'd, uh... I wanna make this
as pleasant as possible, so, uh...
- Oh, great, yeah, what do you want to know?
- Hmm. - Lovely, isn't it?
Lovely combination of textures. This is not...
This is not too light.
But it's light. - Hello?
- Hey, Steve, you alright?
Just calling to check everything's okay?
- Everything is wonderful, I'm here with, uh, Rob Brydon.
But apart from that everything's wonderful.
- Hi, hi, Rob, how are you doing?
- All is well. He's not gone missing.
I'm keeping an eye on him.
- What do you mean? What are you talking about?
- In Morocco, she was very worried
when you went off the grid.
Yeah?
She was gonna call the authorities
all the newspapers, "British comic goes missing."
- Yeah, British actor, British actor, writer
producer goes missing.
- British Actor goes missing, friends say
"We had no idea the mental turmoil he was under."
We spoke to his close friend Rob Brydon.
Well, I must say...
- Spoke to his asso, his associate.
- We spoke to his dear confidante, Rob Brydon.
- Just his sometime collaborator.
- We spoke to popular entertainer, Rob Brydon who said--
- He's a, a light, light entertainer, Rob Brydon.
- We spoke to popular light entertainer and confidante
of troubled star, Rob Brydon.
- Troubled TV funny man.
Who said, I had no idea Steve was suffering
in the way he was.
- We didn't know he was suffering, but then we realized
he'd spent, uh, six days with Roby Brydon
and things started to fall into place then.
- We think this might be a cry for help.
- Sorry, I've got to go.
I just wanted to let you know that your boat
is gonna be leaving Asos at 2:30.
So, go to Asos, to the boat, by 2:30, okay
then your Range Rover's gonna be waiting for when you arrive.
- Get our asses in the boat when?
- Wonderful, looking forward to it, sweetheart, ta-ta.
- Bye, alright, see you.
- Do you understand any of that?
- Yeah.
Range Rover waiting for us at Lesbos.
- This is what UNESSO says about Asos.
In antiquity, its hilltop location made
Asos an easily defensible port city.
The oldest Doric temple in Asia Minor
the Temple of Athena at Asos, is located
on the top of the Acropolis.
- That's Lesbos, that's the, uh,
border between Asia and Europe.
- It's close, isn't it?
- Yeah, I could swim that.
- You could not.
- Somebody like Byron swimming the Alice Pont
from, you know, Asia to Europe and Istanbul.
That's why all the refugees come this way 'cause it's so easy.
- They don't swim it, they do it in boats.
- Yeah, very little boats.
Byron said of all the things he'd achieved
swimming the Alice Pont was the thing that made him most proud.
- Oh, fair enough.
What would you say was the thing you were most proud of?
- Uh, my seven BAFTAs.
- Hmm, and for me, it would be my children.
- Yeah, well, 'cause, yeah, 'cause you haven't got any BAFTAs.
- Though you have got children, which is interesting.
Now, William, uh, some of the men are not happy
there are rumblings.
- Oh, there are rumblings, are there?
Well, you tell the men that we will sail around
the Cape of Good Hope and we'll sail around the horn.
- I think if the weather was this nice
they would have been a lot more relaxed.
They're loving it, Bill. They really are.
- Well, thank you very much, uh, Fletcher.
You don't mind if I call you Fletcher do you?
- Sall me Fletcher if you like, mate.
- Thank you very much, I'll call you Fletch.
- San I call you Bill?
- Yeah, of course, you can, I'd rather call you Mr. Shristian.
- Not Fletch?
- Ah-ha!
Said, "Ah-hah."
- Is that?
- Ah-ha!
- Ah-hah!
- You've got a huge drive then?
- Yeah, it was a monster really.
- So are you flying back now?
- Yeah. Uh, here the keys.
- Thank you. - Yeah, enjoy.
- Full tank? - Tank's full and it's a hybrid.
- Steve?
- Alright. Good. - Safe flight.
Sheers. Bye-bye.
- Steve, how are you? This is Kareem.
Do you remember me? We worked together in Mykonos.
I played, uh, refugees in the beach.
- Okay.
- Do you remember me? - Refugee?
- Yes. - How are you?
- I am Kareem, how are you?
- Hi, very good. - I'm good.
- Good to see you, yeah, really good.
- Hiya. Rob. - That's Rob, yeah, yeah.
- Nice to meet you. I'm Kareem. - Hello.
- How are you doing? What are you doing here?
- Uh, well, it's not a holiday, we're-- we're actually working
with-- with we're retracing the-- the steps
of, um, Odysseus, you know
going from Troy to Ithaca.
What about you? Are you still with the refugees?
- I'm working with the refugees still.
- Right. - Are there refugees still here?
- Yes, yes, yes. Thousands of refugees.
- Thousands? - Yes.
You know, maybe I need a lift
maybe it could be so good for you, come and see?
It is very good for you all to see.
- See? - Some see it now?
- Yes. - I would love to.
But we've gotta... Where have we gotta go next?
We've got a-- - Do you know what?
We're-- we're not so busy that we can't spare enough time
to drop him off.
That's what odysseys are all about, we'll hop in the car.
It'd be good for, uh, Rob to see a refugee camp, it's true.
- Yeah, it'd be, be good for me to see a refugee camp.
- Thank you, thank you, guys, for the lift.
- Yes. - No worries.
- It's a really nice car, Steve.
- Thanks, not mine, it's, um...
It was loaned to me for this...
- Us. - Thing we're doing. To us.
I mean, it's a hybrid, so it's half-electric.
So it kind of cushions the impact that
a monster gas guzzler like this normally--
- It's important to you, isn't it? That's important.
- Well, it is, yeah. - All the environmental thing.
- But, uh-- - Steve's got nine cars, Kareem.
- Nine car? So good, man. - Yeah, nine cars.
- That's, that's, that's irrelevant.
- How many of them are electric?
- I have an electric car. - Yeah.
- We're writing an article, uh...
I'm writing an article for--
- I'm writing an article. - Well, Rob is. And...
Steve doesn't have time to actually write it.
- I do. - Got lot of weighty thoughts.
Gotta service his cars, I mean, that takes a lot of his time.
- I do. Anyhow, so, so what's, what's been going on?
What, uh, wh-- what are you up to-- up to at the moment?
- I'm here now set up, uh, a cultural event
it's a musical and dance.
- Really?
- We do some music courses, music therapy.
I dance some, they do some teaching.
- Great. - Fantastic.
- Some community building, inclusion.
- Great.
- Here we are. This is a small city.
- Wow. Gosh.
So, what's this barbed wire for? That's...
- It looks like a prison camp.
Is that to stop people getting in or stop them getting out?
- Obviously, of this camp is really prison.
- It's more established than I would have expected.
Really nice to meet you.
Good luck with everything, hope it all works out.
Goodbye.
- Oh, Steve, thank you very much.
- Okay, thank you.
- I'm coming to Britain, right? I hope, we'll see you there.
- Well, you've got my email so... - Yes.
I will contact you, thank you.
Do the turning here, I will go inside.
- Well, that was sobering.
- Imagine living in that for years and years and years.
- Hmm. Well, it's just like the Greeks.
Uh, camped outside Troy
for the best part of ten years.
- Too long, I've said it before, I'll say it again
that's too long for camping.
Nice guy.
- Uh, yes, he's, yeah, well, um, yeah, he's a very nice bloke.
I mean, I, I know him, we worked together last year on a film.
- He said.
- He play... He played a sort
of version of himself.
- You didn't remember him, did you?
- What? Of course, I remembered him.
I bloody worked with him for a month at least.
So I... Of course I remembered him.
Like maybe not at first, but eventually, yeah, like, yeah.
"Hey, how you doing?" You know, and, uh...
- What's his name?
What's his name?
- Well, I'm not gonna be tested by you just asking me
what his name, what's his name?
- I'm not testing you, I'm just interested to see
what's his name?
- Khaled.
It's Kareem.
- Okay, so I got the first syllable right.
- Oh, well done.
- You know where the word lesbian comes from?
- Yes, Mr. Bond.
It's from the island, it's from Lesbos.
- Sappho was the priestess who wrote erotic poetry
to all these women she loved and, uh, and was obsessed with.
And she was the most celebrated poet, not lesbian
but the most celebrated poets in Ancient Greece.
And she was a woman and she was a lesbian.
- It's a shame we're getting the ferry.
I would like to stay in the Hotel Lesbian
as I'm sure you would.
- I think... Come, come, Mr. Bond
you like staying in the Hotel Lesbian
just as much as I do.
- If I can get my head down in the Lesbian,
I'm more than happy.
Welcome to the Hotel Lesbian.
You can check out any time you like.
But you can never leave. - But you can never leave.
When I was in Australia, there was
a 25-year-old girl on the crew
who had never heard of Rod Stewart.
Never heard those two words in that order.
- So, when I used to go out with a girl, they used to say, uh
"Remember this and remember that," and I'd just go
"When I was young, we used to do this."
- Stagira is the birth place of Aristotle.
Stagira was besieged
and destroyed in 348 B.C. by Philip of Macedon.
The inhabitants were enslaved, later Philip rebuilt the city
as a reward for Aristotle being tutored to his son, Alexander.
How much further is it?
- Uh, it's just around, it's just to the the top of this road.
- I've got a stone in my sandal again.
Come on.
- What do you mean, "Come on"?
- Well, this is it, this is the shine to Aristotle.
Well, they imported his ashes, uh, back here
specially to, to leave them here
as, it's his hometown, you know.
- It's not a lot to look at, is it?
You can see why they don't charge.
There'd be uproar.
That Legoland costs a fortune
but you get a lot for your money.
- Do you think there'll be a memorial to you?
- I don't believe in monuments.
- Just something modest in Manchester?
- Uh, yeah, a plaque.
- I didn't picture Macedonia like this.
It's, I-- I imagined it to be quite rugged
I didn't think it would be verdant and soft.
- Well...
- Excuse me. - Your starters, sir.
- Thank you.
- As a starter, we have the mussels
on smoked pine needles with parmesan cheese
spring asparagus,
a little bit of citrus and espresso powder.
- Enjoy. - Thank you, Mr. Tim.
- Thank you. - My pleasure.
- Espresso powder dust, that's, uh, an ingredient
I wasn't expecting, but, uh, it's also, uh
piqued my curiosity.
So have a little...
Hmm!
Well, that's, uh... - Hmm, that's complex.
- That is absolutely divine.
People who talk about Alexander the Great
will overlook all the psychotic tendencies he had.
With his mother, he conspired to kill
his father, and then after that
went on a killing spree rounding up all his half-siblings
and, uh, cousins who might have a legitimate claim
to the throne, and just ruthlessly
and horribly murdered them.
- He was a gangster, an old-fashioned gangster.
- Why do we call him Alexander the Great?
- They call me great, but I'm actually just a gangster.
I'm gonna commit atrocious crimes.
I'm doing Marlon Brando.
- Good. I'm glad you flagged that up?
- Commit atrocious crimes.
I'm gonna behave despicably.
- You know you need to make it more, give it more weight
when you speak like that, you know.
- Well, why are you doing it differently?
- You're going to look like that but for...
- What are you doing here? Lemme hear it.
- It's, uh, he speaks like
he has his cheeks are full of cotton wool.
- Well, they were full of cotton wool.
- I know, but they weren't full with those things that dentists
use to shove in the side of your mouth.
- Dental swab, a dental swab.
- A swab. They don't use them anymore for some reason.
- They don't need them. - I don't know why.
- Because dentistry has advanced.
- Dentistry has advanced.
- They've made a lot of great strides in dentistry.
- I know it has, you know, dentistry's advanced
quite a lot, actually, that's, you know what.
That I'd like to hire you, Aristotle, to, uh, to educate
my son, I'd like you to teach him a lot about philosophy.
- Well, I-- I.. I'm, I'm very flattered by the offer
but I must say I'm finding it very hard to forget
what you did to Stagira, which was a smashing spot.
- Oh, you know what, I tell you what, tell what I'm gonna do.
If you don't teach my son, I'll rip your head off and shit down
your goddamn fucking neck, you too big, dick sucking
mother fucking asshole, okay?
- But it's essentially being a gangster.
Maybe in the East End of London could be right, Winston?
If you're gonna be teaching my boy, Aristotle
right? I don't want some airy
fairy nuns coming here... What... Thank you.
- Lovely. Very nice. - That's wonderful.
Ab... Compliments to the chef.
Yeah, very nice. - I will, certain.
- Ahem. Mr. Tim.
- Thank you. - Is that your Christian name?
- Yes, it is. - Yes, good, good.
Mr. Steve, Mr. Rob.
- Nice to meet you. - Hello.
- He-- he won't know who Basil Brush is.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Now you listen to me, I wanna make sure it's not
just airy fairy thinking.
It's not a great Ray Winstone.
- I lost a part to him you know. - What's the...
- Seriously, we were-- - Why was he...
- We got... I went.. That's what I thought.
- I saw you do Henry VIII once, which I thought was,
I mean, he's a great actor, but I thought that was odd.
- I gave him the cockney accent, didn't he?
- Yeah, he was Henry VIII with, with a cockney accent.
I was like, I really fancied Anne Boleyn.
I got this old trout on me back.
Catherine of Aragon. Don't know what to do about it.
- Sire-- - I'm thinking of getting her.
I wanna bag her, I wanna bed her.
- Sire, might I interrupt? - I wanna do her.
- Uh, your, your new palace, Hampton Court
is-- is ready, sir, we've had the Jacuzzi put in
would you like to inspect it?
- Fucking Pope's saying I can't get a fucking divorce.
I'm saying what about if I say, well, I'm in charge?
I'm the head of the church, how about that?
What do you think about that then?
How about I went round all your monasteries
and fucking knocked the shit out of them?
I mean, every single fucking one
so I fucking level them, how about that, Mr. Fucking Pope?
- Your-- Your Royal Highness, um, I, Ann-- Anne Boleyn
is-- is waiting for you in the ante chamber
Your Royal Highness, shall I bring her through?
- Yeah, that, yeah, I got a-- a real boner, yeah.
- Yeah, I'm pleased to hear it, Your Royal Highness
and might I say your one's royal boner is looking
particularly majestic this morning.
- Yeah, cheers. I really like her.
Take her to me, uh, chamber, or whatever you call it.
- Is sire speaking euphemistically?
- What? Why are you talking like a nonce?
- Because I'm terrified of you, sir. I'm not a nonce.
I'm not a nonce, sir. I'm not a nonce.
This is a rumor that has been put around
the court by Cromwell.
- Alright, alright, alright, whatever.
I really like Anne Boleyn.
- She's nice. She likes you, sir.
- If she messes me around, I'll chop her fucking head off.
Literally chop her fucking head off.
If she dicks me about, I'll get a swordsman
over from France and-- - Oh, sire.
- She can kneel and I can do it across her.
- That speaks so clearly of, of sire's class, sir,
to chop off milady's head with a swordsman.
- Hello.
I don't like seeing my chin in this dome.
- Thank you. - Your dessert.
Gentlemen. - Oh.
- We have the almond crumble with use of cream
fresh citrus and blood orange on top of that, enjoy.
- Thank you, thank you. - Thank you very much.
- My pleasure.
- Who would you be if you could be a Greek God?
Which God would you be?
- I have been cast as a Greek God. - When?
I played Hades in Percy Jackson, "The Lightning Thief."
- Yes, in Percy Jackson, "The Lightning Thief."
Yes. They made more of those films.
- Hmm, hmm. - What happened to Hades?
- They just didn't invite me back.
Hello, Joe?
Joe?
- Hey, dad, how are you? - Good, good.
What's going on? - Yeah, um...
Granddad's in hospital again.
- What?
- Yeah, um, so, yeah, I've been to see him, and he's okay.
- But what, what, okay, so what is it, the same thing as before?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, same thing as before, it's, uh
it's all routine, they're doing some tests.
- Your check, sir. - Oh, thank you very much.
- Did you like the dessert? - Yeah, it was lovely.
I-- I can't eat citrus, so I had to leave it.
Thank you. - Oh, that's okay.
- I'm glad you're there, yeah.
- I'm at mum's actually, um... - Okay.
Philip's moved out, he's, he's left her, so, um...
- Philip?
- Yeah, Philip, her-- her partner.
Well, her boyfriend. - Oh, yeah.
He's been living with her for two years.
- Yeah, yeah, I-- I think I met him, yeah.
- A very good evening to you and welcome to this very special
Greek edition of Guess the Bill coming to you from the beautiful
Greek island of Beach here in the northernmost part
of Southern Greece, and, uh, joining us to play tonight
is our returning champion from Peventry in the North of England
it's Stephen Coogan, Steve.
Good evening. Ur, hello.
- Um, uh, uh, if you need me to come back, uh, just let me know
I'll jump on a plane, alright?
Okay, I love you.
- Love you too, dad. Bye-bye.
- And the wonderful thing about it, Steve
is you never pick another person up on what they're doing.
No, it would literally never occur.
Oh, here he is, the man himself, Stephen.
On this beautiful beachside setting
would you like to play "Guess the Bill?"
Not really, no.
- Alright, it's 307 euro.
Hey, Shloe, it's daddy.
- Hi. - Hi.
How are you?
- Good. - Good, what you up to?
- Just watching some stuff on my iPad.
- And where's Charlie?
- Charlie isn't here, he's sleeping right now.
- Alright, then let me speak straight to mummy then, darling
and I'll, and I'll talk to you again tomorrow.
- She's not here. - She's not there as well?
Where-- where is she?
- At, um, the theater.
- Mummy's at the theater,
what's she gone to see at the theater?
- I don't know.
- And who did she go with?
- Don't know that either.
- But you know she's gone to the theater?
- Yes. - Ah.
Oh. Alright.
Get a move on!
Keep moving!
Are you okay?
You alright?
Catherine!
- Oh, husband that I love.
Why do you choose to give in to such wild grief?
- Catherine!
- Farewell.
And do not fail in your love for our son.
Oh.
- Are you singing "Grease" because we're in Greece?
- You know that, you know that "Grease"
is not about the country Greece?
- When I'm in Greece, I hear the word Greece
I think "Grease."
- Yes, but it's not the same thing as it... It's a homophone.
- No, no, no. - It's a homophone.
- It's a... How dare you?
How dare you?
I'm not a homophone.
- I'm a heterosexual. - I'm a hetero...
I'm not, I'm a human being, um, good evening.
Um, no, look, Steve, look, for-- for me, Steve
Greece is the word, yes?
It's the word that you heard
it's got a groove, it's got a meaning.
Greece is the time, it's the place, it's the motion.
Well, Greece is the way we're feeling.
Talk more about that.
Expand on that. Um...
Do you know who wrote "Grease?"
Steve Coogan, did you know who wrote "Grease?"
- No, I don't know who-- - It was Barry Gibbs.
- I know who, a lot of the writers from Ancient Greece are
but I know that's not as important to you
as who wrote the song "Grease."
- It was written by Barry Gibb, because Robert Stigwood
the Bee Gees' manager, was producing the music.
Now, the original stage musical, of course, it didn't have
the song, "Grease," and Robbie said to Barry
We're enjoying such great such success with Saturday Night Fever
the old records, the "Tragedy," uh...
- Do you know who wrote that, uh do you know who wrote that
a friend to everyone is a friend to no one?
- Yes, Aristotle.
Now, let me tell you this-- - Only because I told you.
- No, I knew it already.
- No, you didn't, if you-- you, you don't, you don't know
you, you, you, you learn more about...
You know more about, uh, these irrelevant things like
who wrote the song "Grease," these, these trivialities
than anything to do with Ancient Greece
other than what I've spoon-fed you over the last few days.
You know the Greeks thought Delphi was the center
of the world, literally the center of the Greek world.
- The navel, as it were? - Yes.
I think so.
- And they had a, a cave
the woman in the cave sitting on a tripod
with um, smoke coming up underneath her.
They'd have a, they'd have a prophet there to interpret
she would then, the smoke would come up
and she'd start going...
And, uh, they'd have a prophet to interpret
what she was saying, and the people believed
that it was Apollo sending his words up in smoke
through her vagina, and out of her mouth.
And she was the Priestess Pythia.
Well, aren't you going to make a joke about it?
- No.
If I did, it wouldn't be one of my pithier comments.
- Ha. I knew there was something lurking in there somewhere.
- Probably where the phrase, "Blowing smoke up
your ass" comes from.
- It's a, it's a vagina, it was a vagina, not her ass.
I hope you know the difference by now, Rob.
God help your wife.
I bet she doesn't know which way to turn.
- Now, this here is the stone that
Zeus dropped to signify the center of the world.
The navel of the world just there.
- Looks more like a clitoris though, doesn't it?
It does though, it looks more like a giant clit.
Well, that's just, that's almost certainly deliberate.
This was a shrine to the female, to-- to Gaya
Mother Earth, the creative.
And, uh, until, of course, Apollo came along
claimed all the credit for himself,
surprise, surprise.
It was ever thus, the patriarchy, uh
claim, claiming credit.
- Very spiritual, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Michelin starred Varoulko Seaside
in Piraeus, Athens, is widely regarded
heh, as Greece's top seafood restaurant.
Well, it's very nice, isn't it?
This is, uh, not what I expected of Athens
I was thinking hot and dusty and not wet--
- Not, well, uh, this is exactly what I expected of
of Athens, because lots of boats
because it's a, it was a naval power.
Uh, the-- the Athenian Navy defeated
the Persians in the Battle of Salamis.
- The Battle of Salamis? - Yeah.
So are you gonna do something about two guys with salamis
hitting each other on the head?
Or the fact that salami's a bit like cocks?
- Yeah, no, no, I wasn't gonna go there, but...
- Really? Well, the Battle of Salami's...
- The Battle of Salami's.
Yeah, but they had Battle of, um, Marathon not far from here
that wasn't a naval battle, was it?
- I didn't say all the battles were naval.
- And that's where we get the marathon from.
It was a guy, a soldier, came, he ran
from the Battle at Marathon, all the way back to Athens.
And then, you won't know this, he dropped dead.
- And what did he shout just before he died?
- He said, "I've got shooting pains down my arm
and sort of followed by a crushing
feeling across my chest."
- No, no, Nike! - Please.
- What? Thank you very much.
- And a premium salad from white grouper.
Boiled eggs and brioche, crispy.
- Thank you, thank you. - Bon appetite.
- Thank you.
Uh, he shout, he shouted, "Nike!"
- He had a sponsorship deal, he wanted to
thank the guys at Nike.
- No, he shouted Nike 'cause Nike is the Goddess of Victory.
Have you ever run a marathon?
- No, of course not, no.
- I have. - Really?
If you died at the end of a marathon
I would gladly try and resuscitate you, you know, to...
- What, are you doing, waving goodbye to me?
- No, I'm pressing your chest, and staying alive.
- That, you don't do that, you don't, you-- you don't pat us
pat someone on the back.
Arms together. Elbows locked.
Push down, 30 chest compressions, 30.
And you count them.
One, two, three,
four, five, six...
- ...ten, you do thirty of those.
- Then two breaths. - Yeah.
- Pinch the nose, head back, two breaths, not your nose.
The nose of the person you're breathing into their mouth.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. - Head back.
- We've lost him. - So something around his neck.
What happened? We've lost him.
But I'm pinching my nose.
Not your nose, you idiot.
- Well, it's 'cause you make people laugh
and while losing valuable seconds, that will be good.
- What if you found it funny
and you sprung back to life laughing?
Well, I-- I'd have to be conscious for that to
uh, to happen, so, so if I'm conscious, then there's no need
to resuscitate me, it doesn't make sense, so...
- Alright, I'm banging your chest, can I break a rib?
Would you mind if I broke a rib?
- Two breaths, then thirty more.
One, two, three, four.
- Yeah, and why, why do they say do it to the, to the beat
of, uh, the Bee Gees, why?
- Because it's the number of beats per minute is, is the exact--
- And how many beats per minute is it?
- A hundred and twenty. - Yes.
- 'Cause that's the classic disco beat.
- Yes, I know.
- Then we've got a very dangerous area because then it might
be time to try mouth to mouth.
And I would not be comfortable with that.
- I'm glad. I'm glad you wouldn't be comfortable with that.
- I would, I would, I would find it hard
to press my lips to yours.
- I'm glad you wouldn't be comfortable with it
'cause I enjoy it more when you don't enjoy it.
- Marathon man, Hoffman, Dustin Hoffman
Laurence Olivier, they're very different actors.
- Olivier acts from the outside in, he's not a method actor
never was, he likes to look in the mirror
and look like someone different.
And then make that the basis of his character.
- Whereas Dustin is... - Dustin would like that.
- I think I'm quite like Dustin.
I'm not short. I don't like Dustin.
- Yeah, well, that, that's Dustin Hoffman.
- Oh. - Oh, yeah, Dustin.
- Oh.
- Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?
- Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson?
- Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?
- Then what would you choose next?
I'll tell you, "Midnight Cowboy."
Why did he choose that? John Schlesinger.
'Cause it was so different.
Who did he play? Ratso? Ritso?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Who was opposite him?
John Voight. - John Voight, yeah.
John Voight's a Trump supporter, mad Trump supporter.
- But we didn't know that then.
John Voight says
"Well, hell, I'm a hustler, you didn't know that?"
And Dustin says, "Well, how am I supposed to know that?
You've gotta tell the person these things.
I mean, I understand, the broad starts crying
I cut my heart out for her.
You will meet my friend O'Daniel."
- Can you do an interpret? - I haven't finished doing it.
"You will meet my friend O'Daniel, he runs a business..."
- That's very good. - I still haven't finished.
"You will meet my O'Daniel, he runs the biggest..."
Now I'm getting it wrong 'cause you get in my fricking way.
I'm walking here, I'm walking here.
Well, I'm talking here, let me finish this thing right now.
"You'll meet my friend O'Daniel
he runs the biggest stable in the whole goddamn
metropolitan area."
It's crazy, a stud like you paying.
And then there was "Tootsie," of course.
- I knew that.
- Michael, nobody will employ you
you played a tomato, they went two days over
'cause you wouldn't sit down.
- I'm a woman, I-- I don't like the way you speak to women.
If you say that again to me, I'm gonna knock your balls
right through the roof of your mouth.
- I'm not Dorothy Michaels.
- I-- I'm not Dorothy Michaels.
- I'm Michael Dorsey. - Michael Dorsey.
I'm an excellent driver.
- I'm gonna, yeah, okay. - I'm an excellent driver.
- Can you do... - Oh.
- Can you do, uh, a Godzilla
animation in a film?
Kind of like the stop frame animation.
- No. - Okay, watch me.
It's very good, isn't it?
- I still prefer your Neil Kinnock.
- Um... - If I had to choose.
If I had to choose with a gun to my head.
- And can you... I can do dubbing films where
the voice doesn't matter.
- Yeah, you've done this before. - I know.
It was good though, watch.
- Are you gonna do it? - Yeah.
Um... Don't be ridiculous.
And I told you time and time again
every time you come here, your voice doesn't suit you at all
and when you lose your temper
it should be like this.
Hey, you!
You're a fool.
Fair enough.
In "The Marathon Man", of course
in-- in that scene where you said, is it safe?
- Is it safe? Is it safe?
- Yes, it's safe.
- Oh, yes, it's safe, oh, yes, it's very, very safe.
- Are you going to do both parts?
- Is it safe?
- It's safe, it's safe, yeah.
- Does this hurt?
You have a cavity at the back.
- Ha, but see, this is where you got it wrong.
'Cause he doesn't do that.
The whole point is, he doesn't go, ugh, does he?
He's very, that's what makes it scary.
'Cause he does it ever so gently, like he's like a dentist.
And that's why he's ahead, because he's so...
Now, try it again, Steve. I want you for this part.
But at the moment-- - You have a slight cavity.
Just... - Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, and then you get the oil of cloves.
- Yes. Simple oil of cloves. - But you do it very caringly.
Very caringly. - Simple oil of cloves.
- Oh, oh.
- It makes it so much better.
It's, it's not safe, it's not safe.
Very dangerous.
- What are you doing there? Are you drilling?
- Yeah.
Phew. I'm now lightheaded. Seriously.
- Yeah, that was, that was, that was actually quite good.
- It was good, I'll do it again.
And now from deep inside Dustin's mouth
comes this, comes this, comes this...
Help me, get me out of here, I'm a tiny tooth.
I can't get out of Dustin Hoffman's mouth.
Oh, my God. I'm a molar and I can't get out of Dustin's mouth.
- He thinks he's some sort of wise guy, but he's not.
- I just don't know why you dubbed.
- Well, I don't know, why are you a small man in a box?
- Well, it's a funny notion, but I'm not, I'm small, I'm small--
- It's a funny notion that... It's a funny notion that someone
might walk round in real life being dubbed.
- Yeah, but, but then-- - It doesn't make sense.
- In this instance, we're in a...
Because we're in a dental setting.
- And a man's trapped in a box, why in a dentist?
- A tooth is trapped in a mouth.
- And the tooth talks?
- I'm trapped inside Dustin Hoffman's mouth.
- Well, this is where your claim for logic
falls to the ground, Mr. Rob Brydon.
There's no possible way of, uh, offering
an explanation for that.
Case dismissed.
- So, it's your first visit in, uh, our hotel, sir?
- Uh, first visit to this hotel, yes, but I've been to Athens
though, a couple of times before.
- Hello. - Hello.
How are you? - Nice to hear your voice.
- Hey, Greg, how you doing?
- I'm very good, very good, how are you?
- Uh, good, good, yeah, great.
- How's Rob? Is he keeping you on your toes?
He's a very, he's a very funny man
he really, really does make me laugh.
- Yes, he's very funny, yes.
- What, uh, what can I do for you?
- Is there any news on the Damien Chazelle film?
- Yes, uh, yes, but it's a no, I'm afraid
from them, they do, they loved you
they-- they thought what you did was absolutely fantastic.
- I cry, I cried and, uh, I did the whole...
I mean, I did the whole bit.
- Yeah, I know, though, though the crying was, was great
they-- they mentioned they loved it.
- Listen, I've had an idea, why don't you, at the end of this
which is Ithaca, why don't you come out
and you and I could have a few days together?
- Hello. - Ah, there they are. Hello.
- Hey. - Alright?
- Nice to see you. - Nice to see you again.
- Nice to see you, too.
- You alright? Thanks. - Very good.
- Good. Nice to see you. - You look fantastic.
- Right, photograph. - Yes.
- At the Epidaurus, the theater. - Mm-hmm.
- Since Greece is the birthplace of drama.
- Good. - A bit on the nose.
- Steve, it was your idea.
- Was it? - Yeah.
Uh, right, let's do it. - Okay.
- This is, um, hot, if I was looking for one word.
To describe this weather, you'd be hard...
- Mad dogs, Englishmen and, uh, Welshmen.
- Oh, it's very hot. - I know it's hot.
- Masks? - Comedy? Tragedy?
- This is, they look like BAFTAs, is that the idea?
- It does look like a BAFTA. - Here we are, you're on familiar ground.
I've got tragedy, are you happy with that?
- Um, I don't know, what do you reckon?
- I'd go with that. - Somedy.
You're know as a titan of comedy.
- I should have the smile
because of the number of BAFTAs I've won.
- And I should have the frown 'cause I've spent
a week with you. Some on, let's do it.
- On the other hand, Rob is known for
accessible light entertainment.
Smiley face.
And I'm now known for, uh, dramatic roles.
Ah, because I got a BAFTA nomination for
playing Stan Laurel.
- For impersonating a comedian. So we give it back to you.
- Yeah, I wasn't really impersonating a comedian, though
because BAFTA, the nomination was for best acting...
- It certainly was. Hmm. - ...in a drama.
- Guys, can you take off the hats?
- What? - Hats. Lose the hats.
- Right, I'm gonna burn without a hat.
- Okay, we will do it quickly.
- I'm not sure about-- - Why is he on a higher level?
This is just exacerbating the height thing.
- You can go on the same level.
- I don't think Rob can be on the same level.
Oh, he's talking physically, I see.
I've got it, okay, yep, yep, yep, yep.
- Try and do like that proper Greek actors
like a proper drama.
- As if we're all Greek actors.
Right, I'll stab you. That will come easy.
Ready? Go on. - Yeah, some kind of drama there.
Yeah. - Sing Goddess Achilles.
Rage black and murderous
that cost the Greeks incalculable pain.
And cast countless souls of heroes
into Hades' black, dark pit.
- I am from BAFTA and I'm afraid
your performance, whilst impressive
didn't quite meet the criteria.
- San you sort of...
Yeah, but it's not a tragedy, is it?
That's just depression.
- Well, that's what a doctor would say
but Barry's not a doctor
Barry's a, a wordsmith.
So he's-- he's employing his poetic license.
- Oh, look at this rubbish here. Look at that.
- Look at that. Some on, come on, Greece. - Oh, the bloody Greeks.
- Some on, Greece, two and a half thousand years.
- Hi, it's Emma. Hello, hi, yeah.
Um, I'm just checking that you're there,
we're about to pull in.
Great. Oh, brilliant. Alright then. Fab.
Oh, hi, Yugov. - Hi, Emma, welcome.
- Nice to meet you, how you doing?
So you're gonna meet them tomorrow with the car
and then back here.
- Yes, yes. - Yeah. Okay, brilliant.
- We're going on one of the big yacht? - Thank you.
- Um, where does the ferry go from?
- The ferry's down there on the right. - Okay, brilliant.
- Have a good time. - Bye, Yugov. Thank you so much.
- Okay, let's go.
- There's no cars allowed on Piedra.
- Really? - Gotta get a ferry, yeah.
- That's good.
- Yeah, it is good.
- Hi. - Hi.
- I can take your bags? - Oh, amazing.
Ah, we're gonna stay at the Hedria. - Yes.
- Where is the Hedria? - It's over there.
- Okay, right. - Very near.
- And you'll take us to reception?
Okay, brilliant.
- Right here we have the sea mustard gazpacho.
- Oh. - Wow. Amazing.
- Wow. - Wow, it's amazing.
Delicious, thank you.
How are your kids, Rob? Good. - Good, thank you.
Um, Chloe is ten, Charlie is four.
- Wow. - They're a handful.
- Well... - How's yours?
- Very well, thanks, she's four.
- Would you have another one do you think at your age now?
- I just think at a certain age you probably
it's probably, uh, not fair on the kids, is it? You know.
- That'll keep you young, though, look at Jagger.
Have you seen that clip of him after he had his operation?
- I've seen that, where he's dancing. - Where he's dancing, yeah.
It's amazing. - How long, we-- well..
How long was it after his operation?
I don't know, not long. Here, look.
- Like pretty soon after. It was incredible. - Really?
Golly, go on, let me have a look.
- But he has many young children, right?
So he needs to keep fit.
- He's, pretty soon, he'll be the only man in Britain
with an earlier bed time than his child.
- Don't wanna go to bed. I wanna stay up,
I wanna watch the "One Show."
- You can share their nappies.
- Oh, hang on, he's found it, I hope he has.
Or either that or he's having some sort of a fit.
- I've-- I've, I knocked the screen off.
- Oh, whoops, don't worry.
It's impressive though, right? - No, it's, uh, very impressive.
- He's got a three-year-old. He's obviously a...
- Yeah. - Imagine him in the hospital.
"Oh, can I just say, this ward is like
really noisy and 'cause we can't, keep it down."
- "What time is visiting hours?" - "When's the magazines coming around?
I've finished this one." - Here we are. Here we are.
"See the bloke in the next bed?
He's done nothing but complain since he got here."
"The nurses are-- are, they're like, they're like
"they're like, angel nurses in their...
"And he doesn't know who would complain. I'm like, one elbow.
"You know, you, we should know if you're alive.
"You know what I mean... And-- and him over there.
"He has no visitors, really sad.
"No one comes to see him.
You alright? Hello!" "Yeah."
"You-- you doing alright?" "Yeah."
- Do you think he was on the ward at Papworth?
- Yeah, no, he probably had a private room, didn't he?
- Yeah. - Yeah, most likely.
- "Never mind, I can't get no satisfaction
"I can't get no sleep. The bloody noise.
"That one over there is moaning and groaning all night.
You know, oh, oh, oh.."
- "Oh, it's talking to himself."
- "No wonder he don't get any visitors.
- I mean, it's a nightmare." - "Yeah."
- "But, you know, Keith's come to visit
"and Ronny's come to visit
you know and Charlie's come to visit."
- What, what? - Didn't him and Keith have a bit of a falling out?
- No, no. - It's-- it's like me and him.
We get on, we love each other. - Yeah, we have a little, uh...
"Me and Keith, we sometimes have a bit of a, you know."
- He said he had a tiny toddler, though.
Isn't there some article about...
- I, no, no, no. I've seen him... No.
- Would you forgive Rob if he said that? - Sometimes.
- Well, people would know if it wasn't true.
- This cat's, this cat's gonna be his...
When he goes swimming, right, like when he's facing down
it's like he's dredging, you know, it's like he's--
- Oh, God.
- That's what Keith Richards, and when he, when he laughs...
...it's like the last death throes of Mutley.
Yeah.
He's loving it, isn't he? Look at that.
- I could do that. - It is actually quite risky.
- Did I tell you about the time I free climbed Helmet Srag?
- Yes, you did.
- What is he doing? - Ooh.
- Whoa. Look at that. - Oh, my God.
- You could be nastily thrown against the rocks.
- I couldn't do that. - So, and here we have--
- Ah, oh, wow. - Shell fishes.
- Thank you. - Rice.
- That looks so good. - Thank you.
- It looks lovely. - Oh, amazing.
Now this reminds me of when the tide goes out.
- Are we meant to just slurp this like you would an oyster?
- I think you do, yeah. - What did you do?
- Well, you sort of do that, you sort of do it like--
- Yeah, well, I think we do... - Oh, God.
- Isn't it like just fresh oyster that-- that's like with that
smothered in garlic?
- That is amazing.
- That is gorgeous. - Oh, my God.
- I might go for a dive later, if you--
- Really? Okay. - Yeah.
I can't do a backflip like that but I can swallow dive.
- What's a swallow dive?
- Well, you have to put your arms out like this
because if you, if you do this
if you do it from a great height, if you do this
you just go over onto your back, so you have to
your center of gravity, your chest, right, doing this
and then bring your arms in at the last minute.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Hey, Chloe. How you doing? You alright?
- I'm good. - Good, how was school today?
- Hey, Joe, it's dad.
- Oh, hi, dad. I've just been to see granddad.
- Alright, go on.
- He's a bit woozy, um
they've had to run a few more tests.
- Are you gonna miss mummy when she comes out?
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go back in to see him tonight.
- Brilliant. That's good.
- Yeah. Mum's gonna drive me.
- Oh, great, that's fantastic. How is she?
- No, she's good, yeah, yeah. She said to say hello.
- Okay, well, uh... Yeah, say hello back to her so...
And I thank you for, obviously, uh, stepping into the fray.
- It'll be fun with granny though, won't it?
Yeah, good forehead, darling, well done. Hello.
- Good luck.
- Oh, Ms. Jones.
Ms. Jones, you look wonderful tonight, Ms. Jones.
- Thank you, as do you.
- The Himalayas are unmistakable, Ms. Jones.
Would you-- would you-- Would you join me, Ms. Jones
on the terrace for a drink? Would you?
- I'm just wondering here Leonard Cohen's house
might have been. He had a house on here.
Do you think he's got a blue plaque
Leonard Cohen lived here?
- Oh, yes, I would think so.
I mean, Lennon and McCartney had them.
- Bravo!
- It's not really high enough to do a proper swallow dive.
- No, I think that was perfect.
- Well, actually it's, this is a very difficult dive.
You-- you-- you've gotta arch your back, you see
and, uh, i-- if-- if you don't get
the right entry, it's lethal.
- I know.
- You know they're gonna have fireworks later.
- Ah, how do you know? - Because I've been here before.
- Oh, I thought you were being metaphorical.
- I have to get the ferry.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Wait, it's a, it's...
- It's falsetto, isn't it?
- It gets to falsetto, it doesn't start falsetto.
- It's okay, and it's not, no, it's not forever, it's, it's...
- Don't start there, Steve.
As-- as-- as your proctologist
I would advise you do not start there.
- Let's see what happens.
- See, what's happened, half the audience has left.
- Hello viewers. - Alright, alright.
- To be fair, when Denis did it, he had a very--
Use falsetto. - Are you deliberately doing it badly?
- Right, okay, ready?
That... Yeah, go on. - Can I have a go?
- But you didn't do that, you did falsetto.
- You used falsetto. - Did I?
Talk over you doing it and tell you how to do it? No.
- No, because you don't know how to do, 'cause you
'cause, well, you obviously don't know how to do it.
'Cause it's falsetto. You went into falsetto.
Yes, he went into it
but I haven't reached that stage yet.
He didn't start in falsetto, did he, Steve?
- No, no. - Did I start in falsetto?
- No. - No, so I was doing the same as Denis.
- When you got to the high notes
you also remained out of falsetto
- Car. - Out of falsetto you remained.
- Here we go. Right. Here we go, here we go. - Even the high notes.
- How about you do a sponsored silence now for charity?
- Okay, go on. - Here we go.
- It's not Castrato. - Wait, wait, wait.
- Shall I call-- Shall I call an ambulance?
- What the hell are you doing? You're all over the place.
- You were shocked by the power of my falsetto.
- Hello. - Hey, hello.
Are you alright? - Yeah, very good, thank you.
- Is everything sorted? - It is.
Emma's organized it all. She says it'll be fine.
- Hello? - Hey, Katherine.
Ah, it's, uh, um, uh, it's Steve. Um, how are you?
- Yeah, I'm fine, thank you. What can I do for you?
- Yeah, I'm trying to get Joe, he's not answering his mobile.
Is-- is he there? - Ah, yep, yep.
I'll just get him for you. - Oh, good.
- Oh.
I'm sorry about your dad by the way.
- Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah.
- Joe's here. Have a chat with him.
Take care, okay, bye.
- Thanks, love. - Thanks.
Hey, dad. - Hey, how you doing?
- Yeah, I'm alright, thanks. How are you?
- Great, great. Listen, how's granddad?
- Oh, he's okay.
You know, I mean, same as yesterday.
He seems, he seems stable.
- What's amazing about the Mani is that
thousands of years ago when it was ruled by
when Sparta was the most powerful nation state
in Ancient Greece
to be part of the ruling council you had to be over 60 years old.
- Yes. Yes, yes. - So, I would be too young to be part of the government.
I'd be like some, I'd be like some young, rapscallion
the-- the ruling council will be there in their robes
the elders, very wise, and I'd be hanging around
and they'd be going, "Get outta here, Steve
you silly young thing."
- Would you ever run for public office? - No, no.
- Because you'd be a great orator, wouldn't you
with your, with your, with your skills of speaking.
- I don't...
- Are you worried they'd-- they'd be digging through your past?
- No, I don't, I'm not bothered, I'm not worried about that.
- Because that's a pro-- That's a pro nowadays.
I mean, look at, look at some of these people.
Look at your Trumps and your Johnsons.
- Yeah. - They've all done stuff.
- Yeah, well, you know, I mean... - Not at your level but--
- The one's, if you think if you think about Heracles
he was someone who--
- Heracles? Don't you mean Hercules?
- Ah, if you're, if you're using
the Roman name, then yes, it would be Hercules.
- I only know him from the film. - Okay.
Well, Heracles is the Greek name for him
he murdered his wife and children--
- Arnold Schwarzenegger played him, in the movie.
- Okay, the labors of Hercules, if you like.
- "Hercules In New York." - Was, if you--
- One of my first movies. - Thank you.
From a Christian perspective
is basically, him serving his penance.
Can't even imagine Christianity forgiving a man
for murdering his wife and children, you've got--
- Quite right, too.
Mr. Coogan, are you suggesting that
that the man standing before us today
who murdered his wife and children
should be, should be forgiven?
Hercules, Arnold played him in, "Hercules In New York."
- "Hercules In New York." - It was one of my first films.
- "One of my first." You sound a bit like, uh,
Werner Herzog there.
- That's right. That's who I was doing. I was doing Werner.
- It was one of my first films. It very hard to do.
I had to get Arnold Schwarzenegger
to do it for me.
- My name is Georgia, everybody calls me George.
- Anyway, um-- - Remember that?
- Sir. - Oh.
- We are going to start with one salad.
- Good idea. - Thank you.
- Oh, this...
- Yeah, perfect.
Make some space and put it into the middle.
- Mm-hmm. - Thank you.
One melitzana dip.
And just one moment for the bread please.
- Okay. - Thank you.
- Already enjoy. - Thank you.
- She's charming. - Did you hear that?
- Charming little thing. - Already enjoy.
- What a lovely slogan. - It is a lovely, yes, it is.
- I'd like to have that on a T-shirt.
Already enjoy. - Yeah.
Well, you're a bit old for T-shirts with slogans on
if you don't mind me saying.
- Sir. Some bread. - Thank you very much.
My friend was just saying, what a lovely thing to say
"Already enjoy."
- Now you can enjoy completely.
- Imagine it on a T-shirt.
- Yes. It would be nice. - Yes?
- He's too old to have T-shirts with logos on.
- You're never too old for this.
- No, I think, yeah. That's a nice thing to say.
- Just to be clear, "No, you're never too old."
- I know. - Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. Already enjoying, thank you.
- Yeah. - She was very, she was unequivocal there, not too old.
- She, well, what's she gonna say? Yeah you're right, he's past it.
- Well, she could have agreed with you, if you're
if you're as persuasive as you think you are.
- She was being politically adept
and that's the best thing to say about it.
- Just to be clear, are you saying that you could
wear a T-shirt with a slogan on it?
- Um, I think, I thi... - You think your four months--
- It's nothing to do, it's nothing to do with age
it's to do with how you look, and that's the brutal truth is
yes, I think I am more likely to get away
with a T-shirt with a logo on it than you are.
Not by much but just more likely.
Yeah.
- Anyway, already enjoy.
Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
You know, the, the Ancient Greeks recognized
that people were a combination of good and bad.
There's not this, this social media idea
of demonizing people completely.
They're either persona non grata or they're heroic is nonsense.
Their Gods, you know, were complex people
and, um, it's interesting because this
this is a good example of it, this review of Stan and Ollie...
- Wait. Review of Stan and Ollie? Is a good example of what?
- Ah, of... - You're tying this into Greek mythology?
- Yes.
Um, the review of Stan and Ollie
in the Spectator says
"It's a good job Steve Coogan
"is a brilliant actor.
"He conveys Stan's likability so well
"that for 97 minutes you forget
what a self-regarding ass Coogan himself is in real life."
Now, my takeaway from that is he thinks I'm a brilliant actor.
- That's what you take away from it? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
- That was a lovely, it was just, eh...
It wasn't too much. - Did you like it?
- We loved it. - Wonderful, yeah, lovely.
Really, just fresh. - Thank you.
- Thank you very much. - Thank you very much.
Do you want to continue? - I think so.
- Yeah? - I think so, yeah.
Is there, is there an option not to?
No, we'll continue, yeah. - It's your choice.
- No, we'll continue, yeah, yeah.
Never been asked that before.
- Yeah, well, it's a good question.
- Yeah. - At our age.
- Thank you.
- That's a German accent, isn't it? She's got.
Think she's German? She's not Greek.
"Do you want to continue?"
- She could have been asking us about our lives.
"Do you want to continue?"
- What, she's seen our age and gone
"Do you want to continue or would you prefer
I administer the drug now?"
- Well, don't, she... Not all Germans are Nazis.
- I'm not saying she's a Nazi.
I'm saying she's in some lovely clinic
where we go in Switzerland.
- Yeah, I know what you were driving at, are you? Okay.
- I'm not saying she's the occupying force
I'm saying she's in a clinic and she's saying
"Do you want to continue? Or would you like--"
- Don't mention the war.
I'm not, but seriously. - Yeah, she's lov--
I like, I like a foreign accent on a, on a woman.
- You like women. - Mr. Bond.
You know, it's like you, "Oh, where's she from?"
- Oh, one of th--
- So, we continue with risotto.
- Thank you. - One for you.
- Oh, look at that. - Oh, wow, wow.
- Nice and soft for Steve. Thank you.
- And one for you. - There we are.
- Enjoy it.
- Oh, boy. Look at that, Rob.
- Three sirens?
Yeah? On the rocks.
- Yeah, yeah. Ugh. Luring me.
- Well, Odysseus strapped himself to the mast
so he wouldn't be tempted by that sort of a hussy.
- Mm, yeah. - That's what you need, isn't it?
You've needed that in your life, I think.
Someone to strap you to the mast
to stop you doing mischief.
- The other sailors put bungs in their ears
so they wouldn't hear the sirens' song.
He wants to hear it, but he didn't want to be lured.
So, he wants to check, check out the sirens--
- Couldn't be more like you. Couldn't be more like you.
You want, you want to experience it up to a point.
- But halfway through, he begs them to untie him
so that he could go and consummate or, uh, you know...
- If I had strapped you to the mast
I would stick with the agreement. I wouldn't untie you.
And I'd take some pleasure in it.
I'd have a little cotton things in my ears, right?
You'd be on the mast and you'd go
"Oh, Rob, Rob, Rob, I-- I regret my decision
please untie me, the Sirens--"
- I wouldn't, why would it be in a Mancunian accent?
- Hm? - Why would I be...
If I was playing Odysseus... - You're not playing.
No, I'm not saying you're playing Odysseus
I'm saying you are you, and I am me.
- I'd be going, "Let me go!" - And I'd say, "I'm sorry."
- Let me swim to the Sirens. I demand it!
- You'd have your hands would be by your side, wouldn't you?
You'd be stuck there, wouldn't you? Yeah. Okay.
- Let me swim to the Sirens.
- I'm sorry, Steve, um, I've got--
- I demand it!
- Steve, do you recognize this?
- My name is Odysseus. Not Steve.
Who is this Steve you speak of?
- He's a conceited ass that I know from Manchester.
- Well, I know not of him, but I have heard of his talent.
I believe he's won seven BAFTAs.
- Seven BAFTAs? - Yes.
- What is a BAFTA that you speak of?
Service.
- Spartan women had a reputation
for being the most beautiful women in the world.
- Yet, the men were gay. Go figure.
- Hello. - Hi.
- So I have some fish for you.
- Thank you.
- And one for you. It's Grouper.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy it. - Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- That's lovely, that's lovely.
Make sure you mop up a lot of that sauce.
- Oh, yes. - After lunch, we'll go and see the caves.
- Why? - It's the Observer's idea.
The Greeks, as I'm sure you know
believed that in this area
caves were entrances to the underworld
and I thought we could tie that in
and also I could mention you as Hades...
...flog a few, um, Percy Jackson DVDs.
- Is everything fine? - Mm, wonderful.
- Lovely, yeah. - Yeah.
- Gorgeous.
- Beautiful bay. - It's very nice.
We have tomorrow a swim race.
It's called Ocean Man.
They start from the pier, right there.
- Can you see it? - Yeah.
- They will start there and swim into this direction
to Neo Itilo, to the beach Sepa.
- Alright. - It's international.
People all around the world are coming here. - Wow.
- Maybe you will see it.
- I would love to, I would love to stay for that.
That sounds amazing. But, uh--
- We cannot stay, we have to leave.
But, uh, it sounds lovely.
- I'd like to join the race, I'd like to,
I'd like to join in, I think.
- Maybe you can do.
- Yeah, I think so.
- No? - I don't so.
- Maybe. - He's joking with you.
He's joking with you. - I'm not, I'm not joke...
I-- I'm, I'm in pretty good shape for my age.
- We will see. - We will see. We will see.
- Thank you.
- Pity. I'd like to do that.
I'd like to join in the race, join in the...
Not competitively, just, but, uh...
- That's a long way, look at it.
- I have got very good stamina.
- Neither you, nor I could do that.
- I could certainly, I could beat you in a race, I reckon.
- Well, I don't think you could
and we don't have time, so, it's academic.
- Oh, that's convenient.
- Okay, go to the caves and then we have a race.
- Great. Brilliant.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- The Swingle Singers live at Cheddar Gorge.
- This is more really suited to sort of Gregorian chant
it being like a sort of Cathedral of sound.
- I love Greg. - Ahh...
Wait, what? - I love Greg.
- Greg who? - Gregorian.
- Oh, Gregorian chant, yeah. Very good.
- Well, I don't mind whether Greg or Ian chant.
I mean they're both good.
- Would you rather, Ian? Ian, you sit this one out.
Greg's gonna do it.
- You girls, w-- why don't you shout
why don't you say, "Go?"
Yeah, say, "Three, two, one, go."
- Yeah, sure.
- Alright, don't-- Don't push me.
- Ready? Steady? Go!
- Alright, okay, you win.
I've... It's my shoulder.
- Come on, yes!
Yes!
- Yes, wh... Yes.
Journey.
Dad?!
Dad!
Journey.
- I knew your devotion would prevail
over all the rigor of the journey
and bring you to your father.
Am I to be allowed to look upon your face, my son?
To hear the voice I know so well
and answer it with my own.
I know how many lands you've travelled
and how many seas you've sailed to get to me here.
- Give me your hand.
- Steve.
What are you doing?
- Having a swim.
- We're supposed to go.
- What?
- We're supposed to go.
Gonna be going near Olympia. Why don't we stop there?
- It's gonna be full of tourists,
American tourists piling out of coaches.
- The Olympic Games were held every four years
throughout Classical Antiquity.
The site is a major tourist attraction
and has two museums
one devoted to the ancient and modern games.
- We're not going there.
We're going to Hellos
uh, home of King Nester.
Vangelis, Greek.
- You're doing it like a horn though.
It was a piano.
- Oh, sorry, glang is the word for piano?
- I'll be the percussion.
- Yeah.
Yeah, hate that. Hate that film.
Some posh students from Oxford learned to run really quickly.
The end.
- I think there's a psychological disadvantage
to sitting in the passenger seat in a car.
The driver automatically assumes higher status.
- I remember, as a child there was a chap
whose wife drove and he didn't
and I remember thinking "Oh, that poor guy."
And that's to me, I thought it was completely emasculating
and, um, that woman divorced that man that couldn't drive
and in my head, even though I was a child, I always thought
"If he'd learned to drive, he might still be married."
- Yeah, the-- the relationship I was in before Sally
was a long one, and-- and when it ended, I was very bereft
and I went and stayed with my parents
and they said, "Well, let's go for a ride in the car."
- Oh, yeah, yeah. - And they drove down to West Wales.
But I was sitting in the back. - Oh, dear.
- And not only was I now without my relationship
I was also a little boy in the back of the car.
And at one point, near Sarmarthen
I had to say, "Stop, pull over."
And I made my mum get in the back.
- Look at that breathtaking view.
Soastal Pilos presides over the Southern end
of an immense bay.
Was this the palace of King Nestor, huh?
- No, no, this is an old Ottoman fortress
and from dates, this dates from the Ottoman Empire.
- At Ottoman Empire
there are great savings on Ottomans of all sizes.
Open bank holiday Monday.
Put your feet up at Ottoman Empire.
Otterman. Half-otter, half-man.
New to the Marvel comic universe.
- Half-man, half... - You could play him.
- ...half useable foot stool storage facility.
- "Have you heard what Steve's doing?
Now he's playing Otterman?" "What?"
"Yeah, you know, he thinks it can be good.
I read the script. It's awful."
"And he's gonna do it? Is he alright?"
"I don't know. I'm worried about Steve.
"He was doing so well
and then he-- he signed up for Otterman."
- Tell me a bit more about, tell me more about
uh, Steve Coogan's decision to play Otterman?
- Well, this was towards the end of his life and I think--
- Is that, well, you-- you, you said that.
I-- I want you to talk more about, his-- his talent.
- Well, I mean, talent is a very subjective thing, isn't it?
I spent a lot of time with him. - Yeah, but we all know that he was a great talent
and what we want to know was why was he so great
so please, please, you know, just expand on that.
- Well that's still a mystery to me. I mean, I spent a lot of--
- Yes, but we-- we-- we know, we know it's a mystery to you.
What I want to know is why...
Can you encapsulate in an sentence
the-- the genius of Steve Coogan?
- Well, not really, I mean, I will say I met a lot of people
over the years who didn't like him.
- We've not got much time left. - No.
- Are you gonna miss me?
- Oh, yes, and, and, no.
- Yes and no. Bloody hell.
- Find you very entertaining, but, uh, you can be exhausting.
- Exhausting? Me?
Good God, you should meet you!
- I have met me and, uh, we got on like a house on fire.
- Is what they're saying it looked like?
- That looks like a, sort of... - Yeah. That's incredible.
Looks like a halls of residence in a 1960s British university.
- Well, yeah, and what's wrong with that? - Isn't it?
That's modernism. That's Utopian Modernism.
That is incredible, that's, that's, that's 1200 B.C. that.
So that's 800 years before the Parthenon.
- On "Grand Designs" imagine Kevin McCloud going back to...
- Yeah, and that's why it's amazing.
- ...see if they're happy with their underfloor heating.
We are beginning to feel the pinch, Kevin
but we do, we do want to see it through because you know...
Well-- well... It's our dream house.
- It's the same amount of time between that and the Parthenon
is, is between us and the building
of Canterbury Cathedral.
And as the sun sprang up...
- Oh, you look very good there.
- ...leaving the brilliant water in its wake.
- You look like you've come to inspect
the building regulations.
- Climbed the bronze dawn to show light
onto immortal Gods and mortal men.
The ship sailed into Pilos where people lined the beaches
sacrificing sleek black bulls to Poseidon.
- Driving quite fast for a narrow road
if you don't mind me saying.
- Thank you. There's a shortcut.
- That's not the road though, is it?
- No, but it's what-- - This is the road, here.
Are we allowed to do this?
- Am I allowed? - Yeah.
- I was born allowed, me.
Gotta "Top Gear" this, eh?
- Oh, that is a bit of a ridge here, wow. Good Lord.
- Without the, uh, prehistoric Neanderthal world views.
Well, this is it.
This is where King Nestor had a huge feast for Telemachus
two and a half thousand years ago.
- Is that why they call it ox belly bay
because of all the bulls they sacrificed?
- No, 'cause it's-- it's the shape of an ox's belly.
- Yeah, I know. Right, we've seen it, let's go.
- See the mouth of the bay there, I reckon I could swim that.
- I could swim that, it's hardly the Hellespont, is it?
It's not even Asos to Lesbos.
- I'll race you. And my shoulder's better now.
- I'm not ra... Come on, seriously, let's go.
Let's go. Come on.
- Alright.
Hello?
Hello, Joe.
- Hey, dad, um...
- Hey.
- It's, uh...
It's granddad.
- Yeah, what about him?
- I'm really sorry, he-- he...
- What? - I'm really sorry.
He's died.
I'm-- I'm sorry, dad.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm, I'm fine.
Are you okay?
- Yeah. I'm...
I'll come straight home.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Alright, I'll, I'll see, I'll see you soon.
- Yeah. See you soon. - Love you.
- Love you too. Bye.
- Hey, Steve.
- Hey, Emma.
- I'm so sorry about your dad.
- Who-- who told you? - Joe called me.
Listen, I've checked out all the flights and the best way home
is to get on the Ferry with Rob to Ithaca.
It stops at Sami in Kefalonia
and then you can get a direct flight
back to Manchester, okay?
- Okay, great.
- Um, Joe said that you're staying at Katherine's
and for you to stay there, is that okay?
Or would you rather I book you a hotel?
- Ah, yeah, if that's what Joe wants, I'll go straight there.
- Alright, okay.
Um, listen, sending lots of love, okay?
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Eighty-two. - Yeah, we got one only...
- What's going on?
- My dad's died.
- What?
- Yeah, so, um, I've gotta fly home.
- Um, God. I'm sorry.
I-- I'll drive.
- No, I-- I wanna drive, I wanna, to keep busy.
Look at all these butterflies.
- Sami.
- It's beautiful, isn't it?
And that's Ithaca.
Have to come back another day.
- Yeah, we will.
- Ah, I better go and get the bags.
Okay, I'll, uh, give you a call.
- Be strong. Yeah? - Yeah, yeah. Thanks.
- Gimme a wave! Gimme a wave!
- Back again.
- That's me.
- I'm coming aboard.
- I don't love your mother!
- I'm going to the airport, yeah.
- Yes, sir. - How long does it take?
- Forty-five minutes approximately.
- It's a bit windy.
- You'll get blown away!
- Oh, wow.
- Mm. Mm!
- Oh, my God! Ugh.
- How windy is it?
- Hi.
- God, I've missed you. - I've missed you, too.
Oh, my Goddess. How nice to see you.
So, how's it been?
- Agh.
It's, uh, been a bloody long journey
- I'll tell you that. - An odyssey.
- I didn't know Greece was so big.
- But it's over now, you're home.
Wow.
- Nice to be driving the car.
- Don't you normally? - No. I do not.
- He doesn't let you?
- It's not a question of letting me drive
he likes to drive, so I let him. - He likes the feel of driving?
- I let him drive.
- Fair enough.
- I like to drive. Ergh, I like to drive.
I like to be in control.
You got, you got your hands at ten-to-two, that's good.
But, eh, no, you can follow the line
the racing line.
You break into the bend. Accelerate out.
- Are you glad I'm here? 'Cause you get to drive?
- Yeah, 'cause I'm the boss.
- I am glad you are here for a multitude of reasons.
- It's so strange to be without the kids.
- Welcome to my world. It's not, you know...
- Have you had a hard time?
- It is hard, you miss the kids, yes,
I don't apologize for that.
- Not all fun and games.
- No. It's mostly fun and games.
- Poor Steve.
It's awful to lose your dad.
It's an amazing natural bay.
I can see why Odysseus wanted to get home, can't you?
- Look at it! - Yeah.
- We should come back here when I'm in my 70s.
- And I'm in my 60s.
- I think, in all likelihood, and please don't take this
the wrong way, I do think by then I'll have married again.
I'll have done a Rod. - Yeah. Fair enough.
- And I'll be with a Pilates instructor in her mid--
- Very light--
- Oh, yes, very flexible.
- Very bendy. Yeah. - Very broad-minded.
And, eh, now you'll have my money.
- Good, yeah. - So it's not all--
- It's not all doom and gloom. - No, no, no, no, no, no.
You'll have a nice place down in Torquay.
- Or here? - Well, no, not if I'm coming.
I wouldn't come here if you were here, would I?
I'd want to come just me and Consuela.
- Hi, darling.
- Hi. - Hello. How are you?
- Good, how are you?
- Yeah, we, we're, we're, we're good.
- Hi, Chloe. - Yeah, yeah, we're both here.
- Mummy's here, she's arrived.
Ah, yes, ah, Penelope
how wonderful to see you again in our, gosh,
crikey, marital bed after all these years.
- Penelope's not a very sexy name, is it?
- Then I shall call you Penny, Moneypenny.
- Is Sally a sexy name?
- Oh, I'd say so. I think Sally's very sexy.
I am sure she's sexy actually, very, very sexy. Sexy Sally.
- Thank you.
- Very difficult to say you're from Mitcham.
You're from Mitcham. No, I'm from Edinburgh.
Well, you said you were from Mitcham.
No, I'm from Edinbur... Alright, I can see--
- Do you stop talking?
- It's, eh, it's time to begin, right. Oh, goodness me.
I wondered where I left my phone.
When I make love, I make love for Queen and country
although I admit, making love to you would be a pleasure.
- Hey.
Are you alright?
- Yeah. Are you?
- Yeah.
Let me take that. You got here quick.
- Yeah.
- Do you want a cup of tea or anything?
- Yes, please.
- Mum says you can have the spare room.
- Great. Good.
Um, I'm sorry I wasn't here.
- No, it's okay.
- Were you with him?
- Yeah. Yeah, I was.
- Hello, Steve.
- Oh, hello.
- Sorry to hear about your dad.
- Thank you.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Yeah. It's strange being back here after all these years.
- Yeah, that it is.
- How are you?
- I'm good. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm good. Thank you.
- Hey. It's... It's time to go see granddad.
They'll take us.
- Do you want me to come with you?
- Um, no, I'll be fine.
- You'll stay here till the funeral, won't you?
- Oh, thank, yes, thank you.
- Quite shallow here.
Ah...
Oh, it's very, argh.
Very pebbly. Oh, God.
Quite, argh.
Quite jagged on your feet.
Ah.
He wept as he held the wife he loved
sole of discretion, in his arms at last.
Joy, warm is the joy felt by
shipwrecked sailors as they sight land...
...joyous too for her
the sight of her husband, vivid in her gaze
as her white arms embracing his neck
would never let him go.
I'm doing Anthony Hopkins.
- I know.
I do love you.
You know that?