SPEAKER: Pretend for a moment it's 2013.
Glorious, innocent 2013.
'Celebrity Splash' is a triumph,
Chris Lilley is getting away with blackface and it's brilliant,
and I've got an uncorrected deviated septum
that's making me sound like Fran Drescher.
Everything is perfect.
Also, this happened.
Scientists told '7.30' the science is in.
The link between global warming and bushfires has been established.
And it's time for action.
Fast forward to 2019,
to something that no one could have possibly predicted.
Sorry, I don't mean the catastrophic bushfires,
I mean Prime Minister Scott Morrison's skill
at televised handshakes.
I don't really want to.
Ah, well, nice to see ya.
And some people were particularly upset
that they didn't get to shake hands with our leader.
Go on, piss off! You're an idiot!
Ya fuckwit! You're being a (BLEEP).
And what better way to let it all spill out
than onto 'Sunrise',
where for the last two weeks
the only person they could find to shout down
Gretel Killeen was a tuba with googly eyes, Chris Smith.
He's had a four-day getaway
in Hawaii. Big deal! Big deal!
Oh, Chris, yelling at me will not convince me.
Irresponsible. No let me finish. But what are you saying, Gretel,
are you saying that if we stop, how about we.
It's a balanced pair, like a patient adult type
wondering why she's having to engage with a sad cabbage.
And leadership is not necessarily being in the battlefield.
It's showing that your sentiments,
your empathy, your vision and your intellect
are applied to the problem.
I think he's one of the greatest leaders
we've ever had. Do you?
Yeah. Well, goodo.
Great to know that my media career would flourish,
provided I'm involved in an alleged groping scandal,
or run a radio competition
where guessing the number of dead asylum seekers
wins you a Rick Stein DVD.
Mmm, bon!
Which incidentally makes Chris Smith
one of this year's people, on the telly.
And so began 2020, The Last Year of Television.
Hi I'm Mitch McTaggart.
And over the next hour,
we're running through everything that happened
on Australian television in 2020.
I consider the year to be like a dying cow
that you know you need to shoot in the face with a shotgun
but you can't because it's looking at you with its sad eyes,
also all your teeth are falling out
and the gun is just a DVD boxset to 'Hey Dad'.
It's a mess.
Anyway, let's try and make some sense of it, together.
As January began with the country already on fire,
Tourism Australia came under it,
quietly dropping a $15 million TV campaign,
described as ill-timed, tactless and featuring Shane Warne.
Hard for tourists to sunbake on a beach
when the temperatures were exceeding 600 degrees.
At least not without some kind of hat.
'A Current Affair' was well into its summer non-ratings editions,
and it was certainly non-rating its socks off.
Sam Cucchiara attempted
to use the clout of Australian television to confront some bullies,
and lo and behold, got bullied.
Are you being a bully to your neighbours, Rob?
What are you doing with the hose? Get off.
So you're being a big bully to me now, as well!
Excuse me, sir.
What are you doing?
It's a good lesson for all the kids.
Not Sam's kids, obviously,
what with a jet that strong to the nuts.
And just days later Sam was at again,
this time confronting a guy with a Nazi flag.
Bill has been proudly flying his flag for several weeks.
Used as an emblem by Adolf Hitler...
Adolf Hitler.
Heh. Learning.
Put ya camera (BLEEP) down, ya (BLEEP).
Hey, there's no need to do that, Bill.
Yeah, Bill, this isn't what 'A Current Affair'
wanted to happen, at all.
They can't broadcast any of this.
You got something for us? Yep, here's a present from the town.
Thank you very much. You're welcome.
The post office very generously donating
the local neo-Nazi a new flag.
A happy ending for all.
Except for Hitler, I'm told he died.
Like a Midsummer carnival hosted by Lyle Shelton,
it's never too early in the year for some homophobia.
As this January episode of 'Home and Away' demonstrates.
I'll get something to you in the next day or so.
OK, thank you.
I'd better get going.
That was an on-screen lesbian couple,
played by Zoe Ventura and Sarah Roberts,
and was broadcast to very little fanfare,
until Ventura's irl husband, Daniel McPherson tweeted...
READER: "Thoughts tonight with fans of this show left feeling
"that the demonstration of their love or affection
"isn't worthy of broadcast."
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Things became clearer
when a publicity photograph of the scene surfaced,
suggesting that a kiss was filmed, but then not broadcast.
And so, if McPherson's tweet felt a little bit too battle-ready,
it might be because it's not the first time
his wife has been edited.
Last year another kiss featuring the same actors
was cut from the Australian broadcast,
but, aired intact in the New Zealand version.
Better still, it happened again soon after that
a whole single episode later.
Of course, being erased in Australia
but welcomed in New Zealand is known as a reverse Russell Crowe.
When Channel 7 was asked to explain themselves about the cuts,
they said it was a case of... LADY: Human error.
Sure, because it's so easy to accidentally edit that bit out,
accidentally mix the sound, accidentally grade it
and then accidentally submit it for broadcast.
Channel 7 management personally emailed me a statement
saying they were homophobic idiots but I accidentally deleted it.
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
They also mentioned the wrong version had gone to broadcast.
Creating anti-gay versions of episodes in the first place
is something of a weird precedent,
although I am keen to see their repeat of 'Molly',
apparently now running at a lean eight minutes.
When asked again
about the surfacing of the publicity photo
from the January episode, Channel 7 had no further updates.
But said the episodes put up on 7plus would...
LADY: Reflect the final versions.
Yeah, we checked the January episode,
and it was still the version without the kiss.
Probably that human error thing that keeps happening.
And look, it's fair enough that same-sex kisses gets cut,
allowing more airtime for moments like these,
God, do they have to shove it down our throats all the time?
'The Gloaming' follows two sad detectives
in an alternative Tasmania where smiling has been outlawed.
Also, there might be magic but also there might not be magic,
kind of like going to a five-year-old's birthday party.
At eight episodes there's a fair bit of time to fill
so there's a bunch of looking far away evil at the end of scenes,
long stock shots from the cheery section
of the 'Tourism Hobart' archives.
And then, the result of whatever creative choice this is.
Jenny McGinty.
Alex O'Connell.
Dorothy Moxley.
Molly McGee.
Alex O'Connell.
Molly McGee. Mrs McGinty.
Dorothy Moxley. Hairy Mclairy from Donaldson's Dairy.
February, a month of loss,
Nine profit down 9%,
Seven posting a $67 million loss,
ABC losing it's AFP raid appeal,
and I lost a little thing of lip balm
that I just opened, so...
Miguel Maestre won 'I'm A Celebrity',
plus Dale Thomas led a frank discussion
on repressing sexuality in the AFL to which the sole YouTube comment
to that clip was... LADY: This is just weird.
And you know what, I'd call that social progress.
The start of the ratings season meant fancy promos for breakfast TV.
With the return of Karl Stefanovic,
seen here trapped inside the Oz Lotto machine,
Today, 'Sunrise' and 'Studio 10' put in their best efforts.
The kind of best effort like
when a kid makes a pasta necklace or Isabel Lucas acting.
'Studio 10' was pretty inoffensive, mind you, you don't hear that often.
But 'Sunrise' ran with this.
# Check on this baby how you feeling... #
MAN: A massive day here at the 'Sunrise'.
Hold it there, at first, glance looks fine,
but this shot, a white family all dressed in white,
OK, the kid is drinking coffee, sure,
don't know what that is,
the TV isn't even mounted on the nook
it's just sitting on a table, I mean, infuriating,
one row of books and then nothing, and what use are brown apples.
White people with orange overtones,
I assume they recorded Pauline Hanson's dreams by accident.
Meanwhile, 'The Today Show' promo certainly went in a direction.
Good morning, Ally.
Cool.
So Karl plays a murderer,
and Alison uses him
to prevent the manufacture of a human skin suit
by a competing psychopath.
I wanna say, Joe Hildebrand.
A revamped 'Q&A' was underway with Hamish McDonald,
but the ABC got taken to task by the Red Cross
because their original logo used a red cross.
Here were some of their other logo ideas.
Mm, delightful, inspired.
Coronavirus speculation began,
god, remember February?
Was that when 'Man O Man' was on? I don't even know anymore.
Anyway, 'Sunrise' took the cake
by showing this graphic of the estimated spread,
looks terrifying,
although it was just a danger-coloured version
of a normal green flight map
from the commercial aviation page of Wikipedia.
It's not even up to date anyway, the image is from 2009.
And if 'Sunrise' were properly fear-mongering,
they also should have at least factored in
the flight paths of all birds, then anyone travelling by dinghy,
speculative jetpack, human trebuchet and finally, shot out of cannons.
There, much more on brand.
Choose your weapon.
Yeah, can I choose fluoride, Pete?
Despite the epic sizzle
in the lead-up to the 'My Kitchen Rules'
season 11 premiere,
it was beaten in the ratings
by 'Great Australian Railway Journeys' on SBS.
It was as if Pete Evans was becoming as toxic as,
I don't know, baby formula made of bone broth.
After Tom Gleeson's perfectly legit win in 2019
left some people a little unhappy,
TV week unveiled an improved voting process for the Logies,
with networks and streaming platforms
now having to each submit five stars for consideration.
Good to change up the system,
because it was a mistake all this time
giving the popularity award
to the person who got the most votes.
'Studio 10' very promptly deleted from Twitter
their launch of a new advice segment featuring Kerri Anne Kennerly
called 'Kak's Konfessional',
spelled with a super cool three ks.
Shame it went away,
I wonder how much of the audience was waiting for KKK
to solve all of their problems.
'Pooch Perfect' is a light and fluffy dog grooming contest,
designed to help you forget how terrible
the outside world is, you know, climate change, Isabel Lucas acting.
Anyway, it's largely comprised of laboured puns from Rebel Wilson.
Leonardo Dog Caprio.
Brad Pitbull. Spaniel Day-Lewis.
And who will just be barking up the wrong geometry.
An absolute dog of a show.
God. Well, that last one was accurate by end of the series anyway.
At least according to the 'Daily Mail',
who also couldn't resist a pun either, those bitches.
Look, my only issue with the show
is that I think it's a pretty reasonable request
to not see slow-motion anus in a 7:30 timeslot.
Ugh, why did I choose now to start eating this pudding
'A Current Affair' presented a follow-up story
regarding 'Hey Dad' convicted sex pest Robert Hughes
and his pending parole,
and Tracy Grimshaw addressed an awkward issue.
You may have noticed our former reporter,
Ben McCormack in that story.
McCormack left this show in disgrace two years ago
after pleading guilty to child pornography charges.
McCormack was the lead reporter on the Robert Hughes story in 2010,
at the time conducting interviews with Sarah Monahan,
all the while allegedly keeping a bit of a secret himself.
In an awkward situation,
Tracy Grimshaw put this to Sarah Monahan.
Um, it was a source of discomfort for us,
we thought about it a lot.
Are you comfortable with him being in that story?
Being interviewed about having been interviewed
by a now convicted sex pest about a convicted sex pest
was 'A Current Affair' truly collapsing in on itself.
Uh, you know, I've never had an opportunity
to apologise to you, publicly,
for introducing him to you.
The mental acrobatics of McCormack
wouldn't be anywhere near as significant
if it didn't keep happening in Australian television.
Actor Jeremy Kewley played a paedophile
in a 2009 episode of Channel 7 'City Homicide',
and then in 2016 was sent to jail for being one.
Even Robert Hughes thought it prudent
to play an advocate for sexual assault victims
in a 1995 episode of 'Halifax FP'.
Like McCormack, using Australian television
as a means for a sinister kind of bluff to hide in plain sight.
I didn't know if he had been that way
and that's why he was so invested in the story,
or if he did so many of these stories
that it changed something in him.
Sarah's conversational answers
were apparently worth republishing by the Daily Mail,
officially cementing the notion
that McCormack may have become a paedophile
by doing the story and meeting Robert Hughes.
Like it's something you could catch.
Obviously not understanding how sex pests work.
Nor journalism.
And while we wait for the 'Daily Mail'
to expand on their airborne sex pest virus theory,
see, anyone can be sensationalist.
To my knowledge, at least,
Jeremy Kewley and Robert Hughes have never met,
although they did separately appear in episodes of 'Prisoner'.
How appropriate.
March, then.
Book club for sociopaths 'Married At First Sight'
did the unthinkable, aside from remain on air,
it booted a couple off the show for breaching its own standards.
That...
..they had.
In an act of revenge for infidelity,
this guy took her toothbrush
and filmed himself using it to clean a toilet,
an act everyone later saw phone footage of
astonishingly to unanimous disgust.
And here I was thinking it was a prerequisite
for all the cast to have shit-eating grins.
Australia finally got the coronavirus,
a bit like how we're always waiting for the good overseas shows
to be broadcast here.
And the messaging in the news was clear.
It's a global panic, but also remember to stay calm.
But also here are molecules as big as Karl's face.
But a reminder to stay calm,
but now they're bigger than Kochie's head.
Now they're clever,
seen here they are sneaking up
behind Peter Hitchener.
But just stay calm, but also don't forget to panic.
But good to know you can tame them and have them on your shoulder
like a parrot.
Even though they're also as big as the sun now,
next to a deceptively giant Sandra Sully overlooking earth like a god.
Don't know what fuckin' size these people are meant to be
'cause I have no visual scale anymore,
so now I don't know what size I am,
but the takeaway is, it's nice to have the news band
together to toe the line.
Richard Wilkins tested positive,
due to exposure Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks,
triggering a mass self-isolation of Channel 9 staff,
entire shows halted production, oh and the Logies were cancelled.
And some shows like 'Dancing With the Stars'
had to re-tool for some dancing on the roof, with no audience.
That or they hated it.
And other shows that had filmed eps in the before time
suddenly felt horrifying to watch.
Well, they're far too close together,
open mouth laughing like a psychopath, ugh,
putting your hand on random surfaces, and what the fuck is this about?
Just casually molesting some cheese and then putting it back?
Gonna have a big throw-up.
And so began a new era of working from home.
It was a time of trepidation, but also hope and positivity.
But if you think I'm gonna be wearing pants you can fuck off.
Anyway, since television production
was at a standstill with nothing new being created,
we were forced to plunder the archives for some isotainment.
Maybe I'll save that one for the next pandemic.
'A Country Practice' provided a quaint glimpse into yesteryear
with wholesome country folk from simpler times.
It's understandably a bit slower-paced
than modern television,
but it's meditative and oddly relaxing.
Except for when Molly has to shoot a cow
point blank in the face,
which really is a metaphor for 2020 that I'm sticking with.
It's also a good snapshot of an era
where we were yet to invent colours other than brown.
Anyway, always up for a good dose of wholesome.
I'm gonna comb your hair and put some make-up on you,
your husband will be here soon.
I'll allow it.
I was hoping for someone with better legs.
Maybe it's just a country thing.
That's OK with me,
I'd sooner have the poofter bloke lookin' after me.
Let him finish.
Fag. Fags. Girlie.
Poofter. You know what,
what's happening over on 'Spellbinder',
the ambitious kids sci-fi from the '90s?
What happened to your eyes?
I'm Chinese.
Since the lockdown
meant that we finally had an excuse to not see friends...
..we instead relied on our TV friends for support,
as our friendly network stars
could tell us that we're all in this together
but from the comfort of their multi-million dollar homes
and if you go near them you'll get shot.
Keep a smile on that face.
Blergh.
A big smile goes a long way. Ugh.
Take care of yourselves. You don't know me.
Stay safe, stay well...
Stay in portrait mode.
Got him.
And we'll pull together and get out of this.
You think you're better than me, Kochie? I...
My nuggets.
At least the ABC went a bit more creative with it's stars.
# We are Australian. #
Probably because it can't afford any.
'Neighbours' celebrated their 35th anniversary as planned,
with a week of double episodes, titled 'Neighbours: End Game'.
Highlights included involuntary mine shaft exploration,
involuntary archery practice,
involuntary rock analysis,
manipulative gay sex but between ad breaks,
we'll take representation where we can,
plus jilted brides opening slightly faulty wedding gifts.
Take that one back to David Jones, I reckon.
Not to mention Milsy's flagrant disregard
for the show's carbon footprint.
Disgraceful.
In December 2019,
walking hardware store, Scott Cam,
was to be paid almost $350,000 of taxpayer money
to become the face of a careers campaign.
And by March this year,
with the extent of his work to date
having only been a few social media posts,
he then had to become the face of why he was paid so much,
to begin with.
My management and the government discussed the fee,
that's none of your business.
Would you tell me how much you earn, please?
I don't get paid by taxpayers.
Like a door he badly installed, he walked right into that one.
Can I also say, I mean, Scott Cam
is Australia's most well-known tradie?
That's right, and now we're all aware of his key role as a...
Careers... National Careers ambassador.
They wanted someone Australians could relate to...
I'd look pretty sad too if the only one publicly vouching
for me was Michaela Cash.
But I mean by her standards, is it even enthusiastic support?
Look at her on SBS News just talking about curry.
Go and have a curry for... Go and have a curry for the... Hey.
Gonna tell the Prime Minister, that one.
A curry for the country, I love it.
I love Indian food.
'Big Brother', having jumped ship to Channel 7,
dumped the live TV aspect
and moved to the safety of pre-recording episodes.
And a safe option, it was,
where apparently on the first eviction,
they forgot to record it.
To their credit,
they remembered everything else and that's gotta be worth something,
just probably not the cost of the overtime
from doing it twice.
April time and a couple walked off
the set of 'House Rules' after getting upset at the rules.
I mean it's not just called House.
Bluey.
'Bluey' had already earned its fair share of accolades
by the time the second season landed in April,
but the episode titled Sleepy-time is particularly spectacular.
Bingo really wants to be a grown-up
and sleep through the night,
and as a result of the bedtime stories read to her,
take her on a subconscious journey of love, loss and maturity,
set to Jupiter from Gustav Holst's Planets,
all within seven-minute runtime.
What can you do in seven minutes?
Nothin'.
It's heartbreaking, inspiring and warm,
and is quite easily one of the finest episodes
of Australian television we've produced.
Fight me, I'll die on this hill.
I don't know why people
were worrying about Coronavirus persisting into April
because your mate Pete Evans stopped it dead in its tracks
with a couple of fluoros.
Just briefly, it's programmed with about 1,000 different recipes,
there's a couple of recipes in there for Wuhan Coronavirus.
Yes, up now on Danoz Direct is a kaleidoscopic thermomix.
At $15,000 it was more of your higher-end table lamp,
leading to the therapeutic goods administration fining him $25,000.
Later on, Elle Macpherson revealed she drank the Kool-Aid
and also bought one,
what is it with fuckin' rich people?
But Pete Evans had a bit of a sook
when she wasn't fined $25,000
when she spruiked it on social media.
Well, Elle Macpherson doesn't have it listed
as a product on her website,
nor is she saying it cures coronavirus.
And neither was Pete, apparently,
later claiming he never said it cured anything.
The point is, being on television
comes with all sorts of power, watch.
Thank you. See?
And Pete's huge profile via 'My Kitchen Rules'
for the past ten years
meant that people were going to listen to him.
But things were a bit different this time,
not only was his fancy porch light something of a dangerous escalation
but as the 'My Kitchen Rules' ratings were plummeting,
so was his value to the network.
And Channel 7 were finally in a position to part ways.
I think we have some footage.
Meanwhile, former 'Home and Away' star, Isabel Lucas
threw her support behind Pete in an Instagram reply.
Leading almost immediately
to her being dropped as a charity ambassador,
a position she'd held for three whole weeks.
No, not Isabel Lucas.
Now, who will we get to appear on 'Home and Away' in 2003?
Anyway, with Pestilence doing a lot of the heavy lifting this year,
the three remaining horsemen of the apocalypse
pooled their resources together for something of a group project.
George Pell is spending
his first night as a free man.
REPORTER: George Pell. Free, happy, and relieved.
The amount of airtime
the networks allowed for the story
ran counter to their available footage,
so it was mostly just padding shots of him in transit.
Like if you put them all together, it's just an unsettling car ad.
LADY: Well-constructed chassis.
Spacious backseat.
Shock absorption.
Turn signals.
Um, enter gates.
Um, exit gates again.
On-road performance.
Leathery interior.
And when that footage ran out,
it became about the reporter reporting on reporting the story.
Cardinal Pell's driver has called police
to complain that we are here,
and although we have seen officers drive past on the road,
they haven't pulled us over,
and we are keeping a respectful distance.
Well, were they wearing hats?
Did they see any extra hats?
Hat news, that's what I care about.
Seven finally caught up with him at the petrol station,
and we were treated to extended shots of him wandering around like,
well, like an old man at a service station
on the Hume Highway.
MAN: He also bought a phone charger.
One fits all, doesn't it?
What?
Plus a bonus treat, we even saw him get back into the car.
Well, we watched him try.
Keep your distance.
Real riveting edge-of-your-seat stuff.
Airing in April was 'Spiritual Underbelly' sequel,
'Informer 3838',
a two-part telemovie biopic of notorious barrister, Nicola Gobbo.
And as far as I can tell,
accidentally went to air
with those visually impaired audio descriptions.
NICOLA: I had a fucking stroke.
I became one of the youngest female barristers.
I was at the centre of it all.
I had to be the best at everything.
I have a lot further to go than this.
And I did have a lot further to go.
And I turned to the camera,
and I knew that I'd see another scene from the show.
NICOLA: Then it all started to go wrong.
Yeah, but where did it all start to go wrong?
And it started to go wrong here.
Alright, then.
I was working 24/7, sleeping three hours a night.
Well, those mathematics certainly gave me a fucking stroke.
In the modern commercial drama, 'Blueprint',
there's a musical montage on average every 5.5 minutes.
Like pushing a jukebox down a staircase.
There's lots of slow-motion and crazy-speed ramps
Wasn't ready for that.
But perhaps most importantly,
it's not gritty without surplus titty.
Just gotta hold on this shot so we're up to Australian standard.
Good? Yep, OK.
If racism was a postal service,
then Nine News Queensland
certainly delivered the goods
with a story on the Palm Island Riots.
REPORTER: November, 2004.
The Palm Island Riots.
On one side, rampaging residents
fuelled by the death of one of their own in custody.
For context, he could have said
fuelled by the 147th indigenous death in custody
by that point, since the royal commission.
But, you know, tiny details.
Residents who sued Queensland
now have a record $30 million payout in their pockets.
And that payout is apparently the point
where it became newsworthy.
REPORTER: New sports cars, with custom paint jobs.
Luxury boats, paid for in cash.
We sold a boat for $70,000.
Caw, boat salesman sells boat?
Jesus.
Caw, car salesman sells car?
Fuck.
Worked out a price with us, and then said,
"We'll be back in half an hour with the money,"
and they went to the bank and came back.
Caw, a normal business transaction?
Cunt.
Unclear what the story is suggesting
they should be buying with the payout,
although, if I bought a boat
I'd call it the SS None Of Your Fucking Business.
REPORTER: A court found authorities' force
was excessive and racially motivated.
It's funny that they're able
to acknowledge the racial motivation of police,
within their own racially motivated story
of White Journo Noticing Black People Spending Money.
And if you thought this angle was a one-off for Channel 9,
then you're an idiot.
Here's a near-identical 2018 story
from when the settlement was reached,
complete with on-screen text for outrage.
MAN: Last week 447 residents won a further $30 million
in taxpayer-funded compensation.
Same tone as the 2020 version,
the only change is the reporter.
A slightly different 12-year-old
in a big boy suit they got from their dad.
'The Secrets She Keeps' is a slow-burn bleak suburban drama
about a sad loner who cons their way
into an environment they don't belong.
Like medicine and Pete Evans.
Or television and Pete Evans.
It's a smorgasbord of joy, everyone is depressed,
has an affair, there's mental health issues, kidnapped babies,
dead babies and rape as a plot device,
which is still a thing we're doing.
Did I mention all the dead babies, daylight train murder, dead babies?
God, if I wanted suburban bleakness during Covid,
I'd just look around my apartment.
There's a mouse that hanged itself with the curtain cord, so...
# O Danny Boy the pipes the pipes are calling
# From glen to glen and down the mountainside
# The summer's gone
# And all the flowers are dying
# Tis you tis you must go and I must bide
# But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
# Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow
# And I'll be here in summer or in shadow
# O Danny Boy O Danny Boy I love you so. #
'At Home Alone Together'
is a fun Covid-era comedy cobbled together by contributors
all working in isolation,
unified by a central tour de force from Ray Martin.
One surprisingly savage review came from Senator Sarah Henderson,
tweeting to... LADY: Get this shit off air.
A reference to the famous Kerry Packer incident
when he cancelled 'Naughtiest Home Videos' mid-broadcast.
And Sarah is definitely across modern television.
After all, she hosted
Australia's Most Wanted as recently as 1994,
and what with her tweets referencing 1992,
her finger is on the pulse of TV.
It's one of those older tube TV's that can't broadcast any colour.
Channel 7 announced it was trimming
the total number of ads it played during breaks
in order to increase audience cut-through,
meaning for every broadcast hour
there's now a whopping 13 minutes of content.
By June, the Black Lives Matter movement was underway in the US.
Meanwhile, in Australia,
it was like a washing load of socks and underwear,
in that it was whites only for 'Insiders' and 'Sunrise'.
Channel 7 crew got sprung by US police
while trying to cover the scenes,
white journos really going that extra mile
to walk in the shoes of a black person.
If only the cops were as eloquent
as old mate Nazi flag man back in January.
Put ya camera (BLEEP) down, ya (BLEEP).
Meanwhile, David Speers acknowledged the earlier whoopsie on his show.
'Insiders' does need to do a better job
at bringing more diverse insights into the political debate.
Thankfully, there was actual, proper discourse
to be had on the Australian ripples of the movement
from Narelda Jacobs on 'Studio 10'...
It's not so lucky for some 420 families
who have had loved ones die in custody.
Nakkiah Lui on 'The Project'...
These people aren't just numbers, they have names.
David Dungay, Tanya Day, and they are loved,
they are still loved.
..and Stan Grant on News Breakfast and 'Four Corners'.
'Four Corners' has been on air more years than I've been alive,
and I'm the first Indigenous person ever to report for it.
Shame that it takes 437 Aboriginal deaths in custody,
and a social uprising
just for a smattering of televised diversity.
As a one off.
Yes, the majority of the coverage was still pretty white,
and that includes the white man explaining it all to you now,
but perhaps more accurately demonstrated here
in this never-ending ocean of zoom meetings
that could have been an email.
Anyway turns out, black lives do matter,
but just not enough for more regular appearances on Australian television.
With the words racist and homophobic
dominating the year's keywords, I'd also throw in slow.
Actually, we should cut away otherwise they'll just think
I'm talking about Pauline Hanson.
Yes, Slow TV was a thing,
and SBS went all out with some 'Life Drawing'
in an effort to transport us anywhere else during the pandemic.
Honestly, it was just nice to draw somebody else for a change,
don't know if you've ever had to self-portrait
the back of your own knees but it's disgusting.
Rounding out the programming
was the real-time Bergensbanen Train Journey,
followed by my upcoming foray into Slow TV, 'Jar'.
Can't say too much about it, other than it opens with a big twist.
Your mate, Pete Evans was back,
this time on '60 Minutes' airing his increasingly batshit views.
Why are so many people listening to them?
I dunno, Liz, maybe some dick head
keeps giving them a national platform.
If there was a vaccine, would you take it?
No.
If I disappear or have a frickin' weird accident,
it wasn't an accident, OK?
But what if he gets a disease
that could have been avoided if he'd got the vaccine?
The classic thought paradox known as Schrodinger's Cock.
Pete released the unedited interviews
at the same time the story was broadcast,
just in case he was taken out of context.
Jeez if he thinks '60 Minutes' took him out of context,
wait till he sees what we did.
All I'm saying is, to be in space,
you're allowed to say every single person on the planet has bees!
Mm, Pete Evans, there, making sense,
and one of this year's people on the telly.
Communications Minister, Paul Fletcher,
prevented the shutdown
of community TV station Channel 31 Melbourne,
during an episode of 'Q&A'.
It's not that amazing considering
that it was the night before the shutdown,
he's the one shutting it down,
and with no alternative use for the spectrum.
And he said it on 'Q&A', but I mean that one's hardly on Paul.
'Operation Buffalo' is a dramatisation
of the Maralinga nuclear tests in the 1950s,
and has all the hallmarks of a farcical romp.
There's silly music and comedy business, quirky situations...
Build another bomb to bomb a bomb.
..and to give you whiplash...
She told me, last week, that she'd been raped.
..a rape plot line, which is still a thing we're doing.
But here's Tony Martin dialling it up to 11.
Good god, man! Ha!
We have to...
Or some classic slapstick, or woman admitting she'd been raped.
God, I don't think my neck can handle a third example.
But you know it's back to funny hijinks
when that music kicks in,
or when these characters get up to something.
Shit!
Or suicide, suicide, murder, and...
There's a rapist on the base, Delly.
Well, I brought that one on myself.
With episodes of various television series
being removed from streaming services due to outdated language
or racial insensitivity,
Chris Lilly's catalogue was hit pretty hard,
with Netflix quietly removing four whole serries,
or a whopping 32 episodes.
I mean, in terms of jokes, that's like seven episodes.
When they finally found that mischievous record button,
the first round evictions of 'Big Brother' went to air in June,
but immediately evicted three people of colour,
leaving 80% white contestants.
Maybe they could have done with a third go at recording it.
And since coronavirus kicked in during the recording of the show,
for a time the contestants
were unaware what was happening on the outside.
You could say that it was
one of the safest places in Australia,
provided you're white, obviously.
By July, a second Melbourne lockdown
meant the only thing some of you idiots
were deciding each morning
was which fruit you'd hollow out to have sex with.
That's for something else.
Former SBS chair Michael Ebeid
said that white people can tell diverse stories
just as well as people of colour,
and the only white person agreeing with that is Chris Lilley.
Channel 7's switchboard operators
were next for the chop amid ever-falling revenue.
Hello, just making sure that Channel 7 is OK
even though you've sacked every human.
PHONE: Human reaction is a episode of 'A Country Practice'.
They sound fine.
ABC Managing Director, Ita Buttrose
reportedly said millennials lack resilience in the workplace
and need constant praise and hugs.
I too long for the boomer glory days of cocaine overdose
and workplace sexual harassment.
See, vacuous generalising can be a millennial thing too.
Meanwhile, 'The Today Show', in particular,
seemed to be making something of a sport of ill-judged interviews.
Pauline Hanson's regular spot on 'The Today Show'
came to an end,
after comments about the forced lockdown
in Melbourne public housing.
And she went out in classic Pauline style,
by that I mean she was wearing an awful scarf.
The fact is, that, lot of them are drug addicts...
There are 3,000 people, Pauline. ..as well.
Medication, they're getting their medication,
they're actually alcoholics... Yes, she was invited on
to do the thing she was always expected to do,
but it was just too much of it this time
by some arbitrary measurement.
Do you have a heart, Pauline?
Pauline, this is an absolute nonsense.
Good on them for voicing their objection live to air,
it's nice to know where the line is.
Just odd that the line isn't at interviewing a traumatised child
who witnessed her cousin get stabbed to death two days beforehand,
while unaccompanied on national television.
Are you OK, sweetheart?
It's pretty tough, isn't it?
Yep.
Do you have any idea what the fight was about?
Jesus.
We've blurred her face
because she doesn't deserve that kind of spotlight, obviously.
But next up was an American coronavirus conspiracy theorist,
we've blurred her face because, for shittier reasons,
she doesn't deserve that kind of spotlight, obviously.
Almost every facet of Covid-19 has been a fraud.
And it's been the draconian measures
that have been taken in response to Covid-19
have been based on false premises and false figures.
God, but it was fine they gave airtime to fringe opinion
because they objected to the interview.
After.
I think is dropping out
because I don't think we should be giving her any airtime.
Yeah, good for Alison, but two weeks later,
it was airtime ahoy
for the universally despised Bunnings anti-masker.
Not only have we blurred her face
because she doesn't deserve a spotlight,
but we've somewhat appropriately masked her voice.
I've been a professional psychic,
a working psychic since I was nine years old.
For me it's about choice, it's about personal choice,
and my health comes first,
and I also have an exemption from wearing a mask.
Fuck sake.
Hey, but it was fine they gave airtime to fringe views, again.
Because they objected to the interview.
After.
I thought we'd, in some way, shape or form,
get to a reasonable excuse as to why she was doing that,
otherwise we wouldn't have got her on, in the first place.
Mm, that's a good point.
It's like whenever I run over ten puppies with a tractor,
do I then question whether or not I should do it?
August Isabel Lucas was back,
this time in a bit of weird theatre for an anti-vax social group,
appearing anonymously in silhouette,
which incidentally is a good director's note
regarding any of her future acting roles.
While Bonnie Anderson took the crown on 'The Masked Singer',
Sophie Monk was revealed as the dragonfly.
Notable in that Sophie's
former Popstar's bandmate from 2000, Tiffany Wood,
angrily took to social media
wondering why Sophie has the time to be a dragonfly,
but no time to do a Bardot reunion with her.
Perhaps she doesn't want to.
And so Tiffani joins a long list
of people who can't seem to take a hint
about not meeting up during a pandemic.
With revenue falling everywhere,
it was Channel 10's turn for a devastating blow,
with the news division gutted,
and the fate of several personalities immediately unclear.
One of the high-profile parting-of-ways was Kerri-Anne.
This was despite signing a new deal in March,
and in June baiting her employers to discipline her
whenever she said something controversial on-air.
You know, maybe just...
We don't want you to pull back, but you know maybe...
And I'm going oh, what the? So fire me.
Bluff called, I think we have some footage.
Meanwhile, Sam Newman took to his podcast to call George Floyd,
the US man whose death reignited the Black Lives Matter movement,
a piece of shit, leading to Channel 9 and Sam Newman also parting ways.
Incidentally, later in September, Joe Hildebrand.
Just saves having to cut back to him later.
A report from Media Diversity Australia
discovered that news and current affairs is overwhelmingly white.
Why this wasn't noticed until the official report stage
is something of a mystery.
Indigenous or non-European people
account for 6% of on-air news roles,
despite making up almost one-quarter of the population.
Of course, we could just make fun
of how white everyone is on breakfast television.
So I call this one white Christmas.
Meanwhile, over on 'Sunrise',
bovine viewers are well-represented and that's a bloody great start.
SBS fared the best, despite the odd timing
of hiring a white woman as director of news.
Anyway, we're not sure if our show
is classified as news and current affairs,
but in any case...
Attentive viewers
may notice that I'm now being played by someone else.
Just makes us more diverse than quite a few shows,
the low bar that it is.
But why can't we see the same diversity
in news and current affairs
that most of us organically have in our lives?
Well, the overwhelming whiteness of senior management
might have something to do with it.
Take Nine News boss Darren Wick, who said...
Mm, says the white man
who's responsible for the market-leading 88% white people
on his network, and good on him.
Yeah, cheers.
'Between Two Worlds' is a delightfully batshit
high-gloss melodrama,
with grumpy billionaires, hot rich people,
Karen from 'Cold Feet', or Ros from 'Spooks',
depending on your era, and ugh, rape as a plot device,
still, a thing we're doing, god.
But it's a surprisingly well-plotted story
with a genuine sense of build-up and unpredictability,
reminiscent of the queen of batshit, 1983's 'Return To Eden'.
It's obvious Channel 7 didn't really know
what to do with this show,
what with them sitting on it for a year,
and then banishing it at the first sign of faltering.
The cliffhanger ending likely to remain just that,
considering it was absent from 7's schedule for 2021.
Oh, so actually...
# O Danny Boy the... #
But the most baffling aspect of the show
is this shot of the femme fatale,
apparently, her third most commonly used first word in an SMS is fudge.
In what scenario would a villain
ever respond to a conversation with fudge.
You've seen the police? You're on schedule?
Yes. Fudge.
And what are you after? Fudge.
I'll testify for him.
Fudge. Yeah look, it works.
With more channels and less money for content
than ever before,
Channel 10 said, "Fuck you, guys," and launched '10Shake',
a mostly kids-focused channel in a similar vein
to 'ABC 4 Kids' and 'Discovery Kids',
in that it'll eventually shut down due lack of content and budget.
And, if you think posting a massive loss
is going to stop Channel 9 from expanding,
boom! '9Rush'.
Yes, losing over half a billion
is yet to stop anyone from investing in cars, trucks and boobies.
Speaking of nudity,
'The All New Monty' aired on Channel 7,
with an interesting participant... Wayne Carey!
Welcome aboard.
ANNOUNCER: Now he faces his greatest challenge, yet.
Ooh, fingers crossed it's not assaulting someone again.
Carey's previous whoopsie daisies
include leaving his pregnant wife
for a model he then allegedly glassed in the face,
and the alleged 1996 indecent assault of another woman.
So what better way to distance himself from that,
than by getting his dick out
on a family-friendly television programme.
Nice to know that despite a completely dogshit track record
in human relationships,
a career in primetime media is still guaranteed for anyone,
making Wayne Carey one of this year's people on the telly.
'Halifax Retribution' is a seven-part revival series
of the 'Halifax FP' telemovies from the '90s
and follows a task force
trying to apprehend a Melbourne sniper,
seen here trying to get to his last pringle.
For a prestige character like Jane Halifax
to come back after 20 years,
it's a great opportunity to reintroduce her to modern viewers
in an interesting kick-arse way.
But instead, her first shot in the revival
is her just standing there.
On a visual and story level,
it's a somewhat missed opportunity to remind the audience
why she's so iconic.
Granted, she does stand very well.
But later on we get this flippant line...
Jane, you're the best there is.
..which tells rather than shows.
We're told to take at face value that she's the best,
but all that's been shown so far
is how good she is at standing, which again, is very good.
Additionally, all of the COTJ's,
the characters other than Jane,
are so incidental and interchangeable
that one literally vanishes off the face of the earth
in episode three,
and then suddenly Michala Banas is in the task force
from episode four with no explanation.
It's never stated where the other cop went,
but her last line is a memorable one.
Want a coffee?
Yeah.
Also, it's one thing to accept a coincidence
in order to get characters into a situation,
but it's harder to accept three of them,
like in episode one,
where Jane receives the threatening note,
and her husband's shot dead,
and there's the other main sniper,
revealed to be three completely unconnected events,
but all occurring at the same time, to Jane.
But does all that even get her to join the task force?
Well, eventually.
Here's a summary
of the first 50 minutes of episode one.
Well, I'm happy to help.
Well, you've have to find someone else.
I'm not leaving my job to join the task force.
I wanna join the task force.
I can't join the task force, I'm sorry.
You don't have the luxury of turning me down.
You need me more than I need you, Tom.
Mm, could be a doco about shoes, what with all these flip flops.
And that's the main issue,
breaking out of the original 90-minute telemovie format
into a 330-minute story, there's not necessarily more plot,
it's just that the important plot points take longer to happen.
We know she's gonna join the task force
but we still spend 50 minutes
watching her go back and forth to get there.
If this were an original telemovie
it would already be 60% of the runtime,
of her being completely passive and doing nothing,
aside from the standing, which we have established is good.
Anyway, random highlights include
no expense or dialogue spared in the climatic bomb defusing scene.
It's safe.
And old mate, Rhonda,
clearly regretting not staying with AAMI car insurance.
October.
Nine paid for Pauline Hanson's shitastic trip last year
to desecrate a sacred site, boo!
Hardball won an Emmy, yay!
But Plate of Origin got axed.
Anger has reached boiling point.
Channel 7 turned to the opinion of the everyman
to speak to the frustrations of running a business in lockdown.
The greater good test has been completely abandoned
and there is an obsession with eradication.
Except maybe 7News forgot
that Andrew Abercrombie is not an everyman,
he's very, very rich, and more importantly,
back in March he inadvertently hosted
what ultimately became a super-spreader event
in Aspen in the US.
Eventually, leading to more than 100 Victorian coronavirus infections.
And although he personally tested negative,
he was obviously the only destitute businessman
in the whole country that was available to speak to Channel 7.
Why?
What's this guy doing? Agreed.
Meanwhile, 7News had been going hard
on the rich and powerful's double standard
of skipping quarantine.
Queensland's top doctor denies pop star Dannii Minogue
has been given special treatment.
Singer Dannii Minogue's return to Australia
did not involve the mandatory 14-day hotel stay.
Mm, skipping quarantine is outrageous,
just not if you're Kerry Stokes, the majority owner of Channel 7,
who was able to fly in from corona-ridden United States
and skip the mandatory hotel quarantine,
just like Dannii Minogue did.
Except, since Minogue was still yet
to purchase a majority stake in a media organisation,
she was unable to control the story.
I've actually got an internal memo from Channel 7,
it says, "Fuck Dannii Minogue, in particular."
That's a bit rough.
Weeks later Natalie Barr went to town
on the federal health minister
during the deaths in aged care crisis.
The Victorian premier says he has lost confidence
in privately run aged care.
You are the federal minister, the buck stops with you.
It was odd that that buck
didn't seem to stop with Kerry Stokes,
who also owns a $100 million piece of an aged-care company
then at centre of major Covid-19 outbreaks.
Not only was that fact also not broadcast,
but they obviously couldn't find a way to turn that
into an attack on Dannii Minogue.
Still staying with 7News for the moment,
no one's said that since the '80s.
And in the wake of Kevin Rudd's record-breaking petition
against the abuse of the media monopoly in Australia,
he was apparently and suddenly revealed
to be emboiled in a Jeffrey Epstein scandal.
Convenient timing, whatever the fuck emboiled means.
I feel like the typo is a fair indicator
of their level of hasty fact checking.
Or histy fat chekon if the copy were written by Channel 7.
Despite Epstein's more tangible relationships
with a lot of other people,
it didn't stop 7 reporting on said emboilment,
including live crossing to nowhere to report on no developments.
Kevin Rudd said he had no idea
that Jeffrey Epstein had donated $650,000 to a think tank.
Olivia Leeming rattled off Epstein's crimes,
but when they're listed within the context of a story
about Kevin Rudd,
has the very deliberate effect of a false association.
He was a convicted paedophile who'd served jail time,
found dead in his jail cell last year...
Mmm, Olivia Leeming reporting there,
just 19 years after the events of 11 September.
Just days after being sworn in,
there are calls for City of Perth Lord Mayor Basil Zempilas
to stand down.
Basil Zempilas, former Channel 7 presenter,
current Perth lord mayor,
ongoing giraffe in man costume,
ran a radio competition encouraging any woman with a penis
to ring in for a $100 voucher for Retrovision.
Smash cut to...
For a brief moment at 5:25 yesterday,
I forgot that I was the Lord Mayor of the City of Perth.
What if he forgets he's mayor again
when he's holding those big ribbon scissors
and he just hacks someone's head off with them?
I mean he can do that as much as he wants
when he's a private citizen.
Keen-eyed viewers might remember Basil
from this 'Sunrise' clip at the start of the show,
now the second person on the panel
to have run a particularly shit radio competition.
Maybe Gretel will jump on the airwaves
and see if someone'll wee in a bin for a wizz fizz or something.
Hell, I'd do it.
Jenny Brockie resigned
after 20 continuous years of incredible Insight,
no doubt to finally take
a well deserved break in blissful ignorance.
And good for her.
Hugh Marks abruptly quit as Nine CEO,
I'm assuming it's because four days earlier,
the promo department faced redundancies
and it's like a solidarity thing.
Hi, Channel 9, just checking you're OK
even though you've sacked every human.
PHONE: 'A Country Practice' was broadcast Seven network?
They're fine.
Airing in November was 'Special Air Service Australia'
colon, four shouty cunts.
Go. Get out.
Now. (CONTINUES SHOUTING)
And they ran with some pretty ballsy mid-season promotion.
Incidents of alleged unlawful killing of 39 people,
predominantly from the 'Special Air Service' regiment.
Despite that, celebs were still super horny
to appear in season two.
Ready to be shouted at, starved and abused,
or as it's known in the industry, working in the industry.
Rove Live was back,
this time in search for spawning coral.
CAMERA MAN: It's Reef Live. Oh, Reef Live.
The ABC captured the yearly coral spawning event
of the 'Great Barrier Reef',
complete with live nighttime crosses
to all that beautiful coral in the background.
We'll take their word for it.
Best studio ever?
It's also real. The animals. No screens, here.
This is not CGI.
Oh yeah, then what the fuck was this about?
Indeed, this is something that's been unprecedented.
They been rumbled.
There were technically impressive live crosses
to the bottom of the ocean and all that,
but look it's not their fault,
I haven't been that intimate during Covid this year,
and it's clearly had an impact.
Every little crack and crevice that they can get into.
Phwooar, crack and crevice.
Keep an eye on that plump coral.
It's warm. Is it warm in here? Or...
Scooping the eggs and the semen...
Might just go read a few psalms from the bible.
Channel 9 aired an unusual primetime Christmas special
titled 'Small Gift, Big Heart At Christmas'.
This year.
This year wasn't like the other years.
Anderson Chairs, $39.
My sister and I still had to go to school online.
White bar stools $25.
But this year, we're all a little flat.
Size seven basketball $5. Why do I keep doing that?
I wasn't sure what to get.
So I decided to get a gift that I would love.
Eh!
Yes, it was one of those 18-minute ads for Kmart,
disguised as content,
and filled with 12 minutes of normal ads,
some of those for a little shop named Kmart.
At Kmart, we've introduced 30 hygiene and safety measures.
But all in all, it's a seamless integration of crafted drama
and sponsored content and doesn't, at all, get in the way.
Oak Look Side Draw $29!
Rattan Look Base Table Lamp $27 was $29!
My sister makes the tree looks nice.
Dad has to untangle the lights because no one else can.
Excessive saccharine, $9 a bucket.
There's no tiptoeing
around the fact that the industry has suffered this year,
a lot of people lost their jobs.
But, we can look to next year with a little bit more positivity.
The senate is set to hold
that Kevin Rudd inquiry on media diversity,
presumably only upsetting your dad and that uncle you see once a year.
Ten projects from indigenous creatives are going into development.
The first Indigenous breakfast show began airing on NITV.
'Bluey' broke iView records
and out-ranked primetime television,
proving there's an audience for quality scripted content,
of course, there is!
Plus they were the first animated characters
ever to appear on a TV Week.
People are resonating with it because it's good.
'Bluey', I mean, not TV Week.
God, imagine.
Australian content was kicking goals.
Stateless blitzed the AACTAs, Aunty Donna got a Netflix show,
about bloody time.
'Old People's Home for 4-Year-Olds'
won an International Emmy,
and there's even more quality content out next year.
'Neighbours' cast the first actor
on Australian television with a cochlear implant
and was the world industry leader in developing a Covid work-safe plan.
And with everyone taking their lead,
hopefully, will mean that no one will ever have to.
Put ya camera (BLEEP) down ya (BLEEP).
And Pete Evans was back for a last hurrah,
and did the most 2020 thing imaginable,
he was cancelled for an Instagram post
featuring a MAGA hat and a neo-Nazi symbol.
(SINGING)
And we leave it to Pete to ask the question.
What is this planet that I'm on?
The world is healing.
So let's leave 2020 behind and focus on next year
being a little bit better
for the Australian television industry.
We just have to get rid of all the sex pests.
I mean, it shouldn't be this hard to just get,
it should even...
I shouldn't even need to say that, it's a post-Weinstein world.
What are we?
And that's it, we got through it all.
Together.
I've been Mitch McTaggart,
the year was 2020, The Last Year of Television.
Captioned by Ai-Media ai-media.tv