[Music]
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please put your hands together for
africa's original dictator the one the
only president of bonjour
[Applause]
i am so full of myself
that wasn't an introduction
i can't believe i have come to entertain
you and some of you each other most of
you are sitting down
and i ask you all to stand up
every single one of you stand up unless
you have an illness
[Laughter]
we will do anything
[Laughter]
stand up you thought this better be
funny you don't even stand up for your
queen do you
it's the duty
that we
owe
in love to republic
[Music]
to
rehab
to be happy
and to make all the
[Music]
[Applause]
i am an african i don't need a
microphone
[Laughter]
most english comics when they come on
stage they tell you they're happy to be
here look at me i'm not english i'm
scottish i'm very very happy to be here
there's a reason why the english were
able to steal land from primitive people
back in the days it was because of a law
called terra nules terra nulus means
land that belongs to no one and i have
been using that same law to claim land
across the united kingdom
ten years ago when i moved to saint
albans in heart for sure
i met a homeless man outside tesco he
told me he was the leader of saint
albans i bought him three cans of
special brew and he gave me saint albans
so now this is now my property the
united kingdom is now my property i
intend to unite the three saudi tribes
the welsh the cockneys and the cockneys
if you don't get my jokes blame the
british educational system
i used to be one of the funniest
dictators in the world and all of a
sudden since the 20th of january 2017
donald trump has been trying to take my
throne
i actually believe that donald trump is
an african dictator
let me tell you why
during the elections he said the
elections were being rigged that is what
african detectives say during the
election
number two he said he was going to put
his opponent in jail that is what
african dictators do
and number three has appointed his
family members into the american
government tell me either he's an afghan
or not
i promise not to talk about being black
even though i've been black for 51 years
i'm now 56.
they don't take me seriously as a
comedian the other day i went to
scotland outside london performing to
350 people you hear me talk about 350
people during my show because just like
donald trump i inflict the number of
audience members i perform too
so right now there are 350 people in
this room
and when i went to scotland outside
london performing to 350 people
this woman came to me and asked me if i
was from uniformdating.com
i never knew there was a website called
uniformdating.com
so i registered
african literature looking for a tenth
wife
and i have found one right now
[Music]
11 years ago obama became president he
gave me hope he gave me dreams that one
day i could also become president of a
great nation 11 years down the line i'm
wearing an army uniform calling myself
president of bonjour because it sounds
like obama
i'm terrorizing white people across the
united kingdom
11 years ago obama became president my
wife bought me two books to read the
audacity of hope and dreams of my father
i read the books and i noticed there
were similarities between myself and
obama
got to the stage
every time i made love to my wife
because my wife was supporting hillary
clinton and i was supporting obama and
she brought me those two books the
audacity of hope and dreams of my father
it's as if she wanted to sleep with
obama
obama this obama's on tv obama is that
it got to a stage that every time i made
love to my wife i recited the obama
speeches
they said this day will never come out
they said we set our size too high we
were too disillusioned too divided to
achieve a common purpose you have done
what the cynics said you couldn't do
as we're about to come we will say yes
we can
thank you very much
please save your breath
i got of an hour of comedy
i come from a country called laughter
republic
it's very close to wakanda
if you do not know where wakanda is i'm
sorry you're racist
laughter republic has no oil we've got
comedy gold
laughter republic consists of three
tribes your coral to the tribe which
means goodness the kamuto tribe which
means gracious and the kaputu tribe
which means great balls of fire
and i come from the great balls of fire
tribe
the state capital that republic is
called goddard
we have several states islam
banter town
choco town
giguly town and so on and so forth
you know what really frustrates me after
spending 11 years in the united kingdom
is this i came with my own currency and
i have to say to you they don't accept
my currency at waitrose but they accept
it at leader
i'm married to an english wife
i'm married for passport rather than for
love
we have three lovely children i gave
them english names james alexandra or
bonjour 18.
margaret alexandria bonjour 12 and
cassandra alexandria bonjour 6. we had
sex every six years based on the
government child benefit policy
i love the train journey from king's
crosses and albums because everybody
everybody on the train always believes i
live in luton
on a friday night english people are
always drunk they can never ever contain
the alcohol
never ever contain the alcohol and i'm
this sort of dictator who enjoys
pranking english people
and there was this man sleeping his
mouth was wide open you could tell he
was middle class i told the commuters i
was going to prank him i said don't do
that he might have a heart attack i
touched him he woke up i said welcome to
nigeria
[Laughter]
i am a popular president i follow the
will of my people the imf and the world
bank
people ask me what are my political
leanings among the left or the right or
at the center hitler had a little blue
book
myo had a little red book president
bonjour has a little funny black book
and if you've got crayons you can mark
the dots to find out which country i'm
going to massacre next
let's talk about brexit
you see look i'm not one of these
comedians who comes on stage and
criticizes you for voting in or out but
look at me
do i look like the sort of comedian who
believes in elections
there's no 350 million pounds there's no
backstop there's no article 50. you
changed the government overnight i went
to hastings outside london performing to
350 people
this was the second day after the
referendum and let me tell you when i
arrived in hastings i knew i wasn't
supposed to be in agents
i increased the ethnic population by a
hundred percent
and there was a woman called helen and
she's not here tonight and she had a
question for me on brexit and
immigration he said mr president i said
hey
say mr president i said hey
say mr president why are you not always
taking our jobs i said helen what do you
do for a living say she's a foot massage
therapist
i said what does that entail she said
massaging people's feet i said look at
me look at the way i'm dressed you think
i've come all the way from africa to
take your job as a food massage
therapist
number 10 down the street is what i want
i have a dream
not a white dream a political dream
that i got fed up with the johnson
government and i pointed the following
people to my cabinet
deputy president trevor mcdonald
secretary of state for arts and culture
chris eubank
my food minister levi roots
my sports minister john terry
my transfer sexy jeremy clackson
and the chancellor of next check out the
halifax man
great stuff
every time i say great stuff i'm trying
to remember my [ __ ] lunch
great stuff
you see as comedians when we do very
well it's if we're high on cocaine
honestly it's as if when we do very very
well the other day i went to
liverpool outside london performing to
350 people
they really enjoyed my performance they
were screaming my name
president bonjour you do comedy for the
many rather than for the few
strong and stable detectives
you are a genius you are fantastically
funny you are funnier than michael
mcintyre you're funnier than lenny henry
you're funnier than all these comments
we see on tv we can't wait to see you on
tv i totally forgot myself driving on
the m6 in this uniform saying they loved
me
driving on the m6 in this uniform saying
they loved me guess who stopped me the
police
he came towards me he said hello sir i
said hello
he said keep serving this country i said
i will and he asked me to go i don't
think he realized how important i felt
the relationship between the black man
and the police is always very
complicated so when my black friends
tell me that there's racism united
kingdom i say wear an army uniform you
get away with it
[Laughter]
there is something really strange about
tonight's gig
some of you might not know me because i
do a lot of mainstream gigs
and let me tell you
i have to tell you a story before i
start my show because i am just warming
you up with jokes and i am doing
fantastically well at the moment
in the white comedy circuit it is very
difficult to have two black acts in the
same lineup because they think we're
gonna talk about being black
so this is really unique
in terms of what's happening tonight
i went to milton kings outside london
performing to 350 people
let me tell you when i arrived in milton
kings there's a guy called jerry
four foot nine black guy he did his set
20 minutes there's a break there's a
female comic she did had set 20 minutes
there was a break as president of
bonjour idris elba look alike
idris elba looked alike
and there was a break and this woman
came to me
oh
my god
you
are fantastic
you are a comedy genius
i can't believe it
you did two sets
get my jokes
blame the british education system
i want to talk to you about my friend
in this photo
this is what happens with my jokes not
everybody gets it immediately it takes a
while but i like the fact that
i want to talk to you about my friend in
this poster but before i talk to you
about my friend this poster i want to
talk to you about my
other friend called kim jong-un
see there's no doubt in my mind that
north korea tests bombs there's no doubt
in my mind that america tests bombs on
poor civilian countries there's no doubt
in my mind that i test my jokes on my
audience members and i never bomb
i'm currently going through some twitter
war at the moment
i was on twitter up until the 4th of
october and they suspended me
let me tell you why they suspended me
i wrote to the african union
and i wrote on twitter dear african
union leaders
i am really really really really
affected by what's happening in america
and in britain it is likely that america
could go to civil war soon it is likely
that britain after brexit might be
rioting don't you think we african
leaders need to invade america and
britain to protect democracy
they took me [ __ ] seriously
and they have suspended me ever since
[Laughter]
i am under pressure
to make sure that i have
a good show i am the only comedian to go
to edinburgh fringe festival and achieve
a six-star review
let me tell you how i did it the first
review was a four star the second review
was a two star i added the two together
to make
[Laughter]
i want you to have a look at this poster
please have a look at this post this is
the show i took the edinburgh
this year
is called goodbye mr president and in
particular i want you to have a look at
this friend of mine called chris
it's really really important
this is the beginning
of my story i met chris at an open mic
gig five years ago
and open my gig is where you have
amateur comedians i have to say to you
after five years i have promoted myself
look at where i'm [ __ ] playing right now
and open my gig is where you have lots
of amateurs and i went there to perform
as headliner
headliner means you have the main spot
and i was really happy
as soon as i walked into the pub it
wasn't a theater it was in the pop gig
because that's where you have to start
and i arrived there
chris was waiting for me
i didn't know who chris was
with his flowery eccentric shirt he came
towards me mr president i can do english
action mr president mr president i'm so
excited to see you i wonder who the hell
is this
i don't know i didn't know that i had a
fan at that time
i had a fan
so excited
say mr president i can't wait to see you
blah blah blah so much about you i said
okay chris no problem he said his name
was chris no problem
i went
to the stage i did 20 minutes i killed
it without killing people
chris was so excited and came to me oh
mr president i really enjoyed your
performance you were fantastic
do you have a fan page can i add you on
facebook
[Laughter]
me leader of the unfree world
the greatest leader on earth this
english guy wants to add me on facebook
i said no problem you can add me on
facebook
the next day
chris added me on facebook i did not
know that was the beginning of my
nightmare
chris was stalking me everywhere i went
if i wasn't looting chris would be
sitting in front
if i was in brighton chris would be
sitting in front if i was in peckham
chris would be sitting in front
i couldn't believe it
this character had become so cultish it
was attracting loonies and all sorts of
people
and i don't know
whether you have friends who are
comedians it can be quite a very lonely
place at times
and i got used to seeing chris in the
audience everywhere i went
he was the most because i don't know any
of you chris would always be in the
audience and
i grew to see that face in the audience
because when i started doing comedy 11
years ago
i have lost all my real friends
because when i told them that i was
going to be president of bonjour in an
army uniform they clearly thought i had
mid-life crisis
11 years down the line i'm still doing
it so i embrace people who want to be
friends with me
after a couple of months
i
logged onto my facebook and i was
struggling to write a show called the
rise of the comedy dictator which i took
to edinburgh in 2017
and i wrote on my facebook status that i
would like to quit facebook so i can
concentrate on my show i don't know how
many of you know how distracting
facebook can be
guess who responds
chris
trying to persuade me not to quit
facebook mr president he never ever
called me by my real name mr president
why do you want to quit facebook don't
you know when you quit facebook you will
lose all your friends i didn't even know
he was regretting himself as a friend
i said chris
i
need to leave facebook so i can
concentrate on my show the rise of the
comedy dictator because i was struggling
he said mr president
do not quit facebook you will lose all
your social media platform i said i need
to quit facebook and then he wrote this
mr president
are you open to contact outside facebook
and you know
how we africans are very homophobic
so i responded chris what kind of
contact do you want outside facebook
what kind of contact do you want outside
facebook chris
[Laughter]
say mr president
can i have your phone number
young
english man handsome man like you wants
my number
i'm in my study
my wife is upstairs in the bedroom
my three children are in the living room
this guy wants my number and i have lost
all my friends
i look at him i look at the living room
i look at the study i look at him i gave
him my number
[Laughter]
that would have been too close for
comfort
after a couple of months i just realized
that chris stop responding to messages
on facebook
because i had quit facebook and i went
back and then quit again and i went back
and then quit again i just realized i he
disappeared from my shows it's like
seeing you sir and i know you are black
not white but it's like seeing you
seeing you at my gig every time i gig
and all of a sudden
you are missing i couldn't see that face
that familiar face i didn't see it
anymore
one day i logged on facebook
and chris wrote back welcome mr
president you're back on facebook he
said no problem remember we never
exchanged telephone numbers i mean we
never ever called each other
the next thing
i received a message from chris
to say mr president
i am seriously unwell
taking the humor away from me
i said chris
what is wrong with you
say mr president i am seriously unwell
it's if they're taking the humor away from me
i said chris
what is wrong with you
say mr president i have pneumonia
i said chris
you have pneumonia
what is wrong with you english people
why is it when the weather changes you
start to develop some kind of illness
it's not like you have ebola or
ringworm
how long are you going to be in the
hospital
said probably about six weeks he'll be
in the hospital for six weeks i said
where are you set an nhs office
hospital i said no no problem
jesus there anything you need from me
said no
i said i'm sure the nigerian nurses in
the health service will sort you out
because they normally do
after a while i didn't hear from chris i
genuinely thought that he was going to
get better and then he wrote again and
said mr president this was like two
months later i am still seriously unwell
i said chris
what is wrong with you now i knew you
had pneumonia but what is wrong with you
now
says i've got lung cancer
i said you've got lung cancer chris
how can you get lung cancer he said mr
president don't worry about that
i would like you
to come to the hospital and perform for
me
because when i first met you i was so
attracted by
the gift of your comedy the uniqueness
and the talent that you've got and i
wish i had the same determination to
treat the illness
i said chris
you want me to come to the hospital
in uniform
he said yes and you want me to come and
perform i said yes he said yes i said
who would be at this gig chris
who will be at the hospital
he said a blind man
someone suffering from
dementia someone who was dying and
nigerian nurses with great backsides
i said on the basis that the nigerian
nurses with great backsides i will come
and perform for you
[Laughter]
i wore my uniform
and i arrived at the hospital
i have to say to you there's something
called white privilege
i don't have white privilege but i have
military privilege
uniform privilege
i arrived at the hospital and i did not
know
that chris came from a middle class
background
five of his friends were surrounding him
in the hospital bed
as soon as i arrived
i noticed there was tension in the
hospital
and i love tension in the hospital
his first friend was looking at me
because he just couldn't understand what
was going on because chris never told
him that the dictator was coming to the
hospital
looks at him
looked at me
looked and i knew what he was thinking
he was thinking chris you never told me
you had a black friend
the second one was thinking you never
told me you want an interracial gay
relationship
the third one froze the fat one froze
the fifth one was very very angry and
i'll tell you why he was angry i did not
know at the time that he was an ex-army
officer
and i don't know how many of you are
army enthusiasts or you know about army
uniforms
look at the state of this uniform
it is not real
look at the shoes i'm wearing blue shoes
look at the belt look at the stage of
the belt the worst thing that you could
do
is to pretend not that i was pretending
to be a military officer but the ex-army
officer believed that i was pretending
to be a military army officer
and he looked at chris and he looked at
me he looked at chris and he looked at
me and he said chris who the hell is
this
chris said it is president of bonjour of
laughter republic
he's an african dictator
he's the son of the late idiom
and he has come to perform comedy
what type of comedy
he is wearing medals he has never earned
look at the stage of his belt
look at the hat he's got blue shoes and
he's got this wakanda tie what is this a
joke
chris is trying
to persuade his friend
that this is just comedy he's having
none of it he's red he's screaming he's
saying he's an insult he if i was in
america i would have been arrested that
he george clooney he said george clooney
doesn't wear an army uniform and i'm
thinking what's wrong with this guy do i
look like george clooney
did the gig go ahead no the gig did not
go ahead in hospital because we couldn't
find the blind man
we couldn't find the dying man
and there were no nigerian nurses with
great backsides they were english nurses
with flat asses what am i going to do
with that
so i left
you know what was really really sad is
the fact that when i saw chris that
night
i pray you don't fall ill sir you know
but very very healthy guy and all of a
sudden he's lost so much red that was
really painful for me
so i left the hospital
in my uniform because i was rushing to
get home
and i got on the train and i was sitting
in non-standard class
going back to saint albans in hatosha
this ticket inspector sees me
and he won't let me have a word
and he says sir blah blah blah blah blah
my parents were in the army blah blah
blah blah blah and he's giving me a
lecture about british army and then he
said sir you served the british army
move to first class
i got up and moved to fourth grade
i told you i have military privilege
i don't need white privilege military
privilege
and i sat down
in the courage
and then he looked at me
he looked at me again and said sir
which regiment
did you say
and i said i've been trying to tell you
the regiment of mirth
thank you very much the good news for
those of you who are following the story
is that
chris came out of hospital
well he still wanted to continue to
stalk me
so if you remember i was doing a show
called the rise of the comedy dictator
and one of the things that you do is you
have to preview a show so i had a show
in milton kings and chris wanted to come
and see me at that show
but he for one reason or another he went
to the wrong venue you know when he
asked me to come and perform at the
hospital i thought he had overdosed on
muffin and that he actually thought that
i was morgan freeman and i was going to
save his life
thank you very much
i remember this night very well
i hadn't heard from chris for a while
and
i went to another show where i was asked
to compare and emcee the show there were
about 100 people not 350 people in the
room
there were five comics waiting behind
the scenes
i received a phone call from the comedy
promoter basically saying that they
couldn't possibly come to the show and
they wanted me to run the show which was
great
i then received a phone call from the
ex-army officer
to tell me that chris died last night
i
could not believe that chris was no
longer around
i could no longer believe that chris was
no longer going to be sitting in front
i had two choices that night
to continue with the show
or
to just basically
not have it we went ahead with the show
we had a fantastic time because that's
what chris would have wanted
i ended the show
got on the train back to saint albans
and i was crying
i had no idea how important chris was to
me i arrived
in my house in saint nobody's in
hertfordshire
my wife is always waiting for me after a
gig and i'm the sort of man whose face
shows his emotions
my eyes are red
my wife is in the living room
as soon as i open the door she notices
that i have been crying
and she says darling
you have been crying
did you die at the gig
i was too ashamed to tell her that i was
crying over a man because she's very
homophobic
she knows nothing about chris
i have been married to her for 20 years
she knows nothing about chris
thank you for laughing
i shared everything with him
he was my motivator
he knew when i was enjoying comedy and
he knew when i wasn't enjoying comedy
now i didn't realize that not only did i
have an impact on him
that i had an impact on his family
three days later you won't believe who
called me his mother
asking me to attend the funeral
i said mom
do you want me to attend the funeral in
uniform
or do you want me to attend the uniform
as a civilian
say come the way you want
i arrived at the funeral service
i have to say to you
why is it that english funeral services
are so boring
you just serve sandwich
and sausage rolls and orange juice in
africa we dance with the cops
we celebrate the life we celebrate the
life
it was so so lame it was it was very
very quiet
i didn't give a speech
not that i wanted to
but it was a lovely service
two days later i had my show called the
rise of the commeditator in milton kings
and guess who came to the show
guess who came to the show
it wasn't chris's ghost
it was chris's mom
she was sitting
right in front
and i don't know whether you believe
this but most men look like their
mothers
every time i was performing
i saw
chris's face because his mom was there
it was like deja vu
oh my god i know what is going to happen
now
i know what is going to happen now
she is going to start stalking me
she will add me on facebook
she will have pneumonia lung cancer and
[ __ ] die
[Laughter]
thank you very much
[Laughter]
i am not supposed to be laughing at my
own [ __ ] jokes
[Laughter]
after the show we took a photograph
together lovely woman and the only
reason why now that she doesn't stalk me
is that she's not feeling very well she
has a walking stick but uh
that is it with uh with the mom with me
and a week later chris's mom added me on facebook
there's a reason why i have concentrated
on this show
and why i have written this show i
really wanted to go there because not
many world leaders show their emotions
on stage
or as world leaders we know that obama
when he lost his mom was crying in
public we know that teresa may cried
over brexit
we know donald trump
cries over the wall and everything else
that needs to happen
but not many african leaders show their
emotions so that was what i was trying
to do
but there are two reasons one is to show
some kind of tribute to chris
but the other
is i miss chris so much
i need
to find another christmas
and i don't know how i am going to do it
because normally when i do this show
there are people who
match the demographics of chris
by [ __ ] look at this room
it doesn't look like it's going to
happen at all
but there are some people who already
know you see the thing about my comedy
is i make connections with people
i have already connected with some
people in this room now
they know who they are
and they know they are going to be
called on stage
so if i call you
just come
if you're a black man don't worry i
don't do black on black
you
come off stage
come on
[Applause]
you sir come on stage
[Laughter]
i love this spot
[Laughter]
hmm
[Laughter]
oh
[Laughter]
i have to decide who will be able to be
my chris
chris loved the african way of life
and it's very difficult for me to choose
between the two of you what is your name
chris
[Applause]
i am not supposed to be laughing at my
own jokes
what is your name my name is rob rob
it's your name seriously chris nice rob
rob
okay i'm going to decide
but i am going to ask you a question
take your hands off your pocket
i am going to let you into my world
i have a question for you
you don't know what the question is but
you should repeat the question and you
should repeat it in an african accent
i allow you to repeat it here but if you
go anywhere outside this venue
they will link you
because this is the only way i'm going
to decide which chris is rich
now repeat after me you're not south
africa your best african accent this is
an african comedy show are you ready for
this
well you are going to be ready i hope
you're not from the bbc oh i'm [ __ ]
mr president
i think i am going to have to release
him
you can sit there you can go
i think i've chosen my christmas
let us see whether you can come into my
world rob
repeat after me
mr president
is it true false mr president
is it true or false mr president that
you have 14 wives
did you have 14 wives
and that you pleasure at least two of
them per night
[Laughter]
and then you pleasure at least two of
them per night even when you're not in
the country even when they're not in the
country you can somehow do it
you can somehow do it
[Music]
give him a round of applause
[Applause]
[Laughter]
why do you want to be my friend
[Laughter]
i think you're a comedy genius
chris
the show is almost ending
you see i lied when i said that i had a
six star review
because one was a four star and one was
a two-star
now
when i did that two-star show in 2017
they really criticized me
so i will repeat some of the things that
the reviewer said
and you can tell me whether you agree
with me or not whether the reviewer was
right because the reviewer said i lack
structure in my show
do you agree
no i thought the strategy was great
thank you
so are you prepared to be my friend
are you prepared to travel across the
united kingdom
are you prepared to hear my voice at two
o'clock when i die at a gig
even you're with your girlfriend does it
really matter you'll pick up the phone
only if we can be friends outside
facebook
[Applause]
please give chris a round of applause
[Applause]
i want to thank you all for
listening to me and accommodating my
madness
[Laughter]
uh they
it's really important there's a serious
message here in terms of uh
chris and my friendship with chris
i think we have become so
we don't know how to spend time with
each other anymore
brothers friends
boyfriends girlfriends whatever
relationship you're in we're always
fast-paced running around the whole
place we don't spend quality time
together if there's anything i leave you
with tonight
spend quality times with yourselves
enjoy your friendship because i
genuinely miss chris
because he was he became a friend
and no i know i have met a new chris
[Laughter]
but you were only useful for tonight i
will pick another one up
but guys i have really enjoyed my time
here
i had no idea that it was going to be so
hot
my balls are on fire right now
but um
structure structure yeah
but thank you so much they say you
should leave
your set
or show on a high
i like to leave my set on a low
i never ever know how to end my set
i am not really a comedian
i'm just a president who came on a state
visit to see your foreign queen queen
elizabeth and when i arrived and i met
her i didn't know she was german
if you have enjoyed my performance
you know what is really interesting
about this as well is i am so pleased
about this because i do a lot of
mainstream gigs and when i mean
mainstream gigs i hardly see that many
wakanda people in the audience
because my kind of people don't find me
funny at all
but i am pleasantly surprised i mean
more black people who have laughed and
white people here tonight
please keep supporting live comedy it's
really important because i never know
whether i will ever make it on tv
because people say if i appeared life at
the apollo it is obvious that there's
been a military coup
you have been a fantastic one of yours
[Applause]
president obonjo
[Applause]
[Music]