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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Denny's is not the problem in this bit.

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-All right?
-[audience laughs]

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I love Denny's.

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[jaunty piano music plays]

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[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Patton Oswalt!

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[cheering]

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Guys, thank you.

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Thank you. Please, now just-- Everyone.

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Okay.

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Oh.

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Pace yourselves.

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There's gonna be some trouble spots later,
you can't just use it up now.

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I'm gonna need you to fake it hard
about three-fourths of the way in.

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Thank you, guys.
Thank you, Charlotte, so much

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for coming out.
All of you guys, thank you.

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Oh, my God.

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Whoo!

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Ah.

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It's what-- You know,
I turned 50 this year and it's not--

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And it-- You know,
I'm not upset about it or--

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I can't-- Look, I can't wait to be 90.

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It's not that I'm sad that I'm 50. 

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I'm just-- This is--
These next few decades--

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Let me just go to 90 now.

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I wanna be 90, and sit in a chair, 
and do crossword puzzles,

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and slowly become racist and die.

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Like that's-- This is all--

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I've done what I need to do, I'm done.

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You don't get to sit down when you're 50.
Now, when you turn 50 in 2019, forget it.

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People are like,"You're 50!

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Well, here's your mountain bike,
you silver fox. Let's get you out there.

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We got goji berries and alkaline water.
You'll never die."

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[wearily] Like, let me just--
Please, God, sit down.

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And I thought, "Oh, when I turn 50,
there's gonna be some emotional epiphany,

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or a physical upheaval, some huge change."

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Nothing.

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You know what happened when I was 50?
It was Sunday.

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That's what happened,
and I had to… go to work the next day.

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There was-- Nothing changed.

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The one-- There was one big change.

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I will give 50 this. There--

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The one big change for me was, 
all of a sudden,

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my breakfast cereal became deadly serious.

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Like I-- Like, overnight. I remember--

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Recently, my breakfast cereal was fun.

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The boxes were bright

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and there words like "sugar" and "pow"
and "crisp" in the name.

50
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And then there was, like,
an animal mascot…

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screaming next to a bowl,

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full of colors insulting to nature.

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Nothing--

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Nothing in the visual spectrum

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went into my body in my 20s and 30s.

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And you turn the box over,

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and the fun didn't stop!

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You turn the box over,

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and there was a word find or a maze.

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A maze!

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"Help Sugar Bat get to his insulin."

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And now…

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all…

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of…

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All of my breakfast cereal--

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First off, the box…

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is white.

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Hospital…

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white.

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And there's a beige bowl.

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A color of beige I like to call…

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"bargaining beige."

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Like, how many bowls of this
do I have to eat, so I can have…

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one Cool Ranch Dorito
at three o'clock today?

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How many?

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That many? [groans]

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And inside the beige bowl, brown cereal.

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Not chocolaty brown.

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Not fudge brown.

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As brown as the dirt in the grave
that awaits you!

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[audience laughs]

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And there's no "sugar" or "pow" or "crisp"
in the name.

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The name is very serious.

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Sorghum Farms.

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Sorghum Farms…

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amaranth flakes.

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And you turn the box over.

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Is there a word find?

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Is there a maze?

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No.

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00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:02,552
But…

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there is a short novel

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about the hippie organic cult farm

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where they're growing my amaranth flakes.

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Paragraph after paragraph

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of everything you never wanted to know
about Sorghum Farms.

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"At Sorghum Farms,
we believe in three simple things:

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farm-to-table eating,

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locally sourced ingredients,

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and giving back to the earth
three times what we take away.

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The idea for Sorghum Farms happened
outside of a Phish concert in 1990.

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We were both…

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selling tie-dye in the parking lot,

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and we wondered out loud at the same time

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why our gorp couldn't be tastier.

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And that's when we both said,
'Jinx, I owe you a kombucha.'

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And we bought a little farm upstate

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that was built in 15…"

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[rambles, groans]

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I'm 50!

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I can't have coffee anymore.

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If you're gonna make me read 
the saddest John Cheever short story

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first thing in the morning,

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could you put a couple of startling,
disturbing sentences in it?

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They don't need to be true,
just something to jolt me awake,

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so I can start my day.

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'Cause I'm doing my part.

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I'm eating cereal that tastes
like an unpopular teenager's poetry.

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So please...

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give me…

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a couple of fucked-up sentences!

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Sitting there chewing this shit,
reading the back of the box.

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"At Sorghum Farms
we believe in three simple things."

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Oh, sweetie, they have a manifesto,
look at this.

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"Farm-to-table eating," okay.

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"Locally sourced ingredients," oh, okay.

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"And the idea that black people
can walk through walls when it rains."

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Holy shit!

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Did you-- Oh, my God,
they're fucking crazy. Hang on.

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"Every field of buckwheat we grow
is fed by the bodies of three drifters."

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Oh, shit!

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Sweetie,

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it's a-- Yeah, it's a murder farm.
They're murdering people.

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I-- Oh, my God. Wow.

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I gotta go on a hike. I…

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I have a roomy, fertile torso.

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This could grow a lot of buckwheat.

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I don't wanna end up in Sorghum Farms
in the sharing silo.

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[laughs] Um...

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That's what I do now, by the way. I hike.

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That's my thing now, I hike.

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Hiking is not…

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my exercise.

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It's my activity.

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Because hiking is not exercise.

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Hiking is the segue
between the actual exercise

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you did in your 20s and 30s,

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and then the gentle mall-walking
that you're gonna do…

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00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,952
in your 70s and 80s.

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00:08:15,536 --> 00:08:18,789
So that you'll fit into the tuxedo
at the funeral home, 'cause you don't--

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You don't want 'em
splitting the back of the jacket open.

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That's embarrassing, come on.

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Let's die with some dignity.

154
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So, what I do everyday…

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I park my car
at the base of a hiking trail,

156
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then I walk away from my car...

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until I eventually…

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turn around…

159
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and walk back to my car.

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And that's...

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That's what I do.

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There I am...

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out there with all the other 50-year-olds,

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doing our little doom ovals.

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And if you were to fly a helicopter
low over the Earth,

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you know what you would see?

167
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:02,750
You'd see…

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00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:04,377
people in their 20s

169
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,838
gobbling drugs, eating delicious food,
having sex.

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People in their 30s with actual jobs
making the world run.

171
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People in their 40s…

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trying to fuck the 20-year-olds.

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And then us...

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gentle, surrendered, 50-year-olds,

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on our little…

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futility ovals.

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We got our earbuds in,

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listening to podcasts.

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Which are done by...

180
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,248
20-year-olds that nobody wants to fuck.

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00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:46,168
And then…

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00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,045
[applause]

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00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:49,463
...on the podcasts,

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30-year-olds are selling boner pills
to the 40-year-olds.

185
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:56,679
And then, way off in the distance,

186
00:09:57,138 --> 00:10:00,600
are 60-year-olds
vaguely afraid of Muslims.

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And that's the world we live in, so...

188
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don't fight that cycle, folks.

189
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That's just how it is.

190
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,902
But, every now and then,

191
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on the hiking trail,

192
00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:18,451
a man or a woman will show up
who doesn't get the program.

193
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:22,371
Hiking is for trudging defeatedly.

194
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:23,831
All right?

195
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,751
We've all agreed to it.
It's unspoken, but it's there.

196
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:29,337
But every now and then,
somebody's gotta show up,

197
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:33,507
and they gotta do that weird, extra,
show-off-y workout shit.

198
00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:35,176
It's not enough that they're hiking,

199
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they gotta do that urban workout

200
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,805
where you turn the environment around you
into your gym.

201
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:40,848
You see a tree branch,

202
00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:43,559
you jump up
and you fucking do pull-ups, yeah!

203
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,980
Where you see a park bench,
you drop, you do crunches. Grr!

204
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:50,858
Grab a possum and curl it.

205
00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:52,401
Everything...

206
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:53,986
Everything is your gym.

207
00:10:57,073 --> 00:11:01,744
And the men and women that do this
are already gorgeous!

208
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:03,496
I don't know what--

209
00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:06,248
Like, there's no--
There's not an ounce of fat on them,

210
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,417
you see every rib and rivet.

211
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,754
I don't know what fitness level
they're going for.

212
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:15,383
It's like they're trying to reach
a fitness level I like to call

213
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,093
"painful to fuck."

214
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,678
Like, it looks like...

215
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:23,182
They look like it would hurt to fuck them.

216
00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:28,062
Like, you'd be so excited. Like,
"Look at this physical specimen."

217
00:11:28,145 --> 00:11:29,855
And then, five minutes into it,
you're like,

218
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:33,234
"Oh, I'm basically lying naked
on a floor covered in Legos."

219
00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:36,070
I dunno know why I thought this was a--

220
00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:38,781
Wow, this is not a good idea.

221
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:42,743
There's a lot of edges,
there's a lot of...

222
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:45,663
There's a lot of jutting,
things are jutting.

223
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,999
Pelvic bones like cheese graters!

224
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:52,920
It's like I came, but I'm dented.

225
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:54,880
Like, was it worth it? I don't know.

226
00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:03,139
I am nowhere near physically fit,
but a woman can look at me and go,

227
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:06,267
"Look at that comfy, old beanbag chair.
You know what I'm gonna do?

228
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:09,729
I'm gonna pump that guy full of Cialis,
climb on top,

229
00:12:10,604 --> 00:12:11,689
think of Idris Elba.

230
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,232
No one has to get hurt here.

231
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,235
No one's feelings have to get hurt.

232
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:18,362
Just doing my business."

233
00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:24,660
I'm kidding,
we would both think about Idris Elba.

234
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,870
Have you seen him?

235
00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:27,037
Holy shit!

236
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:33,502
Go for the beanbag chair,
is what I'm saying.

237
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:37,965
Ladies, you don't want some ropy,
fitness orc climbing all over you.

238
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:43,471
Probably comes chia seeds and bee pollen.
It's just--

239
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:44,597
Ugh.

240
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,682
[audience laughing]

241
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,564
You know what I come?

242
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,524
Fresh Twinkie filling. That's right!

243
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,527
Fresh Twinkie filling!

244
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:02,573
Introduce me to your book club!

245
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,751
I can still have sex in my 50s.

246
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:15,920
It happens.

247
00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:18,756
There's more work to it, but it happens.

248
00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:23,969
It's not like it was in--
In my 20s, sex was thought and action.

249
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:24,887
That was it.

250
00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:27,348
In my 50s, sex is like...

251
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:29,391
my body...

252
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:34,480
It's like my body is like an understaffed
McDonald's during lunch rush,

253
00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:35,564
where there's like a--

254
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:37,399
There's a manager, like,

255
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:40,069
"I dunno how we're gonna get through this.
We'll get through this.

256
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,780
It's not gonna be
our proudest moment, okay?

257
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:46,784
We're not gonna like each other afterward,
but it will happen, all right?

258
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:48,786
We got-- We have no fish fillets,

259
00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:50,871
corporate didn't send us
any milkshake lids,

260
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:52,873
but we're gonna fucking get through it.

261
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,000
If any of you do meth, do it now.

262
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,919
I need you to do it now, all right?

263
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:02,007
We're going to serve these people.

264
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:04,510
There's going to be some crying
in the parking lot afterward."

265
00:14:12,059 --> 00:14:13,060
Know what I'm not doing?

266
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:15,980
I'm not eating enough ancient grains.
That's the problem.

267
00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:17,982
I gotta eat ancient grains.

268
00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:19,066
All of my--

269
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:20,442
All of my health food

270
00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:22,444
brags about ancient grains.

271
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,780
They've got-- Or biblical grains.

272
00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:26,156
That's the other big one.

273
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,200
Biblical grains!

274
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:29,910
There's a company…

275
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,706
Food For Life, Ezequiel 4:9.

276
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:34,957
Yeah!

277
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,334
Breads and cereals.

278
00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:39,169
And their big bragging point is,

279
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:42,006
"All the grains we use
were mentioned in the Bible,

280
00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:43,674
specifically in Ezequiel 4:9."

281
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,886
That's their big bragging point.
Okay, a few things about...

282
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,847
Ezekiel Breads and Cereals.

283
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:51,974
First off,

284
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:54,894
I have enjoyed
Ezequiel Breads and Cereals.

285
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:56,353
They're delicious!

286
00:14:56,812 --> 00:14:58,564
They make amazing products.

287
00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:00,316
However…

288
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,485
being mentioned in the Bible?

289
00:15:04,194 --> 00:15:05,863
Not that big of a deal.

290
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,867
A lot of things
get mentioned in the Bible.

291
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:15,873
Also, I guarantee you those grains
were not mentioned in a good context.

292
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:20,878
I don't know if you read the Bible,
but it is torture a-go-go.

293
00:15:23,213 --> 00:15:26,842
Every other page it's a Takashi Miike film
going on in there.

294
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,346
And I'm sure that something awful
was happening

295
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,306
near my healthy ancient grains.

296
00:15:34,683 --> 00:15:38,020
"And yea, though they pulled
Isaac's head from his body

297
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:40,731
and showed it to his screaming family,

298
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:45,486
the blood dripped
from the roughly hewn stump…

299
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,657
and landed
on the freshly sprouted amaranth,

300
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,408
which was--" Okay, you know what?

301
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:52,326
Guys...

302
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,412
I'm just trying to make lunch here.
Why are we--

303
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:04,088
"As the lusty Saracen soldiers
dragged Judith from her wedding bed,

304
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:08,133
their loins engorged with sinful blood,

305
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:12,680
and laid her roughly
in a field of buckwheat..." Like...

306
00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:15,015
Oh, no!

307
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:16,558
Guys!

308
00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:20,896
Can my sandwich not be rape-adjacent?
I just...

309
00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:24,942
I'm just trying to eat healthy.

310
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,903
I don't want to get subpoenaed.

311
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,989
[laughter]

312
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:37,746
I bought a house.

313
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,081
Yeah, I got a new house.

314
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:39,999
You know,

315
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:42,418
anyone who buys a house knows

316
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:44,753
the second you sign that title deed,

317
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:48,716
somebody presses
an invisible "everything's broken" button.

318
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,800
Like, the minute...

319
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:54,430
I crossed the "T" in "Oswalt,"
it was like, "No hot water! Enjoy."

320
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:56,974
Fuck.

321
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,601
And you gotta get a contractor.

322
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:03,605
A contractor is a man or woman
who's there to fix your shit.

323
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,358
They know what to do,
they know who to call.

324
00:17:06,650 --> 00:17:09,570
But they are also your gateway…

325
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,780
to a netherworld…

326
00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:16,035
of subcontractors.

327
00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:20,914
And subcontractors are men and women

328
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:24,543
who are so beyond damaged…

329
00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:30,090
and unable to function in society.

330
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:35,721
And what they've done to compensate is,
they've taken one skill

331
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:38,724
and honed it to superhuman level,

332
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,560
so that you have to work with them.

333
00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:45,773
It's like a Suicide Squad for your house.

334
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:48,150
So, you just-- You have no choice.

335
00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:50,486
Your contractor will come to you and go,

336
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:53,280
"Look, I'm not happy
about this either, all right?

337
00:17:53,947 --> 00:17:56,742
But we-- This guy is the best he is
at what he does.

338
00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:58,285
We've gotta work with him, okay?

339
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,662
And before we go any further,
I see it, too.

340
00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:03,665
There's a swastika tattoo
on his cheek, okay?

341
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:05,417
We all see it.

342
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:08,629
Let me ask you a question.

343
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:10,839
Do you want your wall sconces
looking like shit?

344
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:14,134
'Cause he's the best wall sconce guy 
in the valley.

345
00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:16,220
So we gotta use him."

346
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,767
We had to have wallpaper hung,

347
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,227
and my contractor said,

348
00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:25,938
"I have a wallpaper guy.

349
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:29,942
This dude is Michelangelo.

350
00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:32,444
With wallpaper.

351
00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:34,154
He's amazing.

352
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:35,823
He's a little sketchy.

353
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:40,994
But your wallpaper's gonna look amazing."

354
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:43,747
I go, "Okay, well let's hire him."

355
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:45,582
So the day came.

356
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:49,419
I go down to the kitchen in the morning,
there's a guy in my kitchen.

357
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:51,547
He's got two wooden sawhorses,

358
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,466
and draped over them,
big pieces of wallpaper.

359
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,009
He's putting paste on them.

360
00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:58,470
And the guy putting up the wallpaper--

361
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:00,264
I can't see him, but I can hear him.

362
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:02,474
He's in the room
where the wallpaper is going up.

363
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,853
And he's yelling at the guy
with the sawhorses.

364
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,980
And he's going, "Kirby!

365
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:11,400
You got too much paste near the seams,
It's bubbling up.

366
00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:14,069
I gotta scrape it. Goddammit, Kirby!"

367
00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:19,867
I look at the guy with the sawhorses,

368
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,369
and I say, "I assume you're Kirby."

369
00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:26,206
And the guy at the sawhorses said,

370
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:28,375
"There's no Kirby."

371
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:32,713
[laughter, applause]

372
00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,638
"My name is Daniel.

373
00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:46,894
He's gonna yell at Kirby all day.

374
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,150
But your wallpaper's gonna look amazing."

375
00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,114
Okay.

376
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:00,282
And sure enough,

377
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:01,783
every time I went down,

378
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:05,412
that dude was yelling at Kirby
about everything,

379
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:10,125
the glue on the wallpaper,
the sizes of the pieces of wallpaper,

380
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,919
but, a couple of times, I went down,

381
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:14,338
and he was yelling at Kirby about...

382
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:20,302
existential cosmic shit
that nobody could control.

383
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:24,806
Like, I went downstairs at one point,
and he was saying,

384
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,559
"Two Fleetwood Mac songs in a row
on the radio?

385
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:28,936
Goddammit, Kirby!"

386
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:42,616
Like, I couldn't fi--
Is Kirby his assistant?

387
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,744
Or God? Like, I don't know...

388
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:54,211
And the day ended,
Daniel packed up his stuff.

389
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:56,672
The wallpaper guy came out of the room
for a second

390
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:58,048
and then bolted out of the house.

391
00:20:58,715 --> 00:21:00,801
Like, I feel like if I tried
to take a picture of him,

392
00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:03,553
he either wouldn't have shown up
on my phone…

393
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:07,599
or there would have been a picture
of one of those Asian ghost girls,

394
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,226
like, pointing at the-- You know.

395
00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:16,149
I went into the room
where the wallpaper was being put up,

396
00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:19,486
and the wallpaper looks fucking amazing!

397
00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:21,863
So...

398
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:24,283
thank you, Kirby, first off.

399
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:25,450
Thank you.

400
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:28,787
Secondly, we have to have tile
put around the fireplace.

401
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,164
I can't wait to meet the tile guy.

402
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:36,044
I just want to hear his story.
I'm waiting for the contractor to come by.

403
00:21:36,586 --> 00:21:38,255
"All right, dude, I have...

404
00:21:38,922 --> 00:21:40,048
a tile guy.

405
00:21:40,173 --> 00:21:43,218
This guy is the Da Vinci of wall tiles.

406
00:21:43,844 --> 00:21:44,720
He is a--

407
00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:47,514
He lives in a bucket in the forest.

408
00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:54,521
You have to tie a note to a raven
at midnight and let it loose.

409
00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:56,398
He'll eventually get it.

410
00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:58,608
When he shows up, let him start working,

411
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:01,320
and don't say the word 'celery' to him

412
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:05,699
or he turns into a murder tornado, okay?

413
00:22:06,533 --> 00:22:08,285
But your wall tiles
are gonna look amazing."

414
00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:11,204
So...

415
00:22:12,497 --> 00:22:13,373
I, uh...

416
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:14,374
[applause]

417
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,001
Oh, please!

418
00:22:24,384 --> 00:22:26,219
I just realized I could totally brag

419
00:22:26,595 --> 00:22:30,557
about, like, I made Netflix build me
this oval for my hiking bit.

420
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:31,975
Like that-- I demanded it.

421
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:33,018
They didn't.

422
00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:35,437
This is what the stage
already looked like, but I could go,

423
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,023
"Yeah, that's the kinda power I have.
When I have-- If I'm doing…

424
00:22:38,565 --> 00:22:39,775
They'll build-- I call them up.

425
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:41,985
Yeah, you rolled the red carpet out
for Chappelle.

426
00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:43,570
I need a fucking oval!"

427
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:51,495
My God, it's so sad.

428
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:53,205
Oh.

429
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:55,374
I got married again.

430
00:22:55,874 --> 00:22:57,584
I got married again.

431
00:22:58,502 --> 00:22:59,336
It's…

432
00:23:00,670 --> 00:23:01,505
[exhales]

433
00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:05,384
Not to bum you guys out,

434
00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:09,221
but I was very, very resigned
to living in the gray.

435
00:23:09,304 --> 00:23:11,431
I was-- After what I went through
a couple of years ago,

436
00:23:11,515 --> 00:23:13,809
I was just going to--
I'm gonna live in the gray,

437
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:17,604
and I'm just gonna raise my daughter alone
and try to put--

438
00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:20,857
Focus all the joy
and adventure in life on her,

439
00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:22,943
and give her that life.
I will merely exist.

440
00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:24,444
I'm not gonna hit joy again,

441
00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:26,488
but that's fine, I can still exist.

442
00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:27,447
That's okay.

443
00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:32,160
And then, I met this poem of a woman

444
00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:33,662
who relit the sky,

445
00:23:33,745 --> 00:23:36,998
and I just said,
"I'm going to run at love again."

446
00:23:37,457 --> 00:23:40,085
If you see love, run at it!

447
00:23:40,168 --> 00:23:43,547
-Run at love if you see it!
-[applause]

448
00:23:44,172 --> 00:23:46,007
Trust me, run at love!

449
00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:48,760
But...

450
00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:51,221
the one thing that was weird

451
00:23:51,304 --> 00:23:55,976
was I was very, very tense and nervous
during the wedding.

452
00:23:56,059 --> 00:23:57,436
And the reason was...

453
00:23:57,727 --> 00:23:59,312
'cause nothing went wrong.

454
00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:01,773
The wedding was perfect,
and that made me very--

455
00:24:01,857 --> 00:24:03,400
The reason that made me tense and nervous

456
00:24:03,483 --> 00:24:05,485
was because, when I was teenager,

457
00:24:05,569 --> 00:24:10,240
I worked as a wedding DJ on the weekends.

458
00:24:10,657 --> 00:24:11,825
In Northern Virginia,

459
00:24:11,908 --> 00:24:16,329
I worked for the last DJ company

460
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:18,832
that still used cassette tapes.

461
00:24:21,376 --> 00:24:23,336
Well into the '90s.

462
00:24:24,254 --> 00:24:27,591
Long after CDs
had taken over the landscape.

463
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:28,633
Our boss was like,

464
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:30,135
"These tapes sound great.

465
00:24:30,218 --> 00:24:31,470
They sound as great as--"

466
00:24:31,553 --> 00:24:33,138
These tapes were ten years old.

467
00:24:33,305 --> 00:24:35,390
They'd been played 700 times apiece.

468
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:38,268
And he's like, "It sounds like the band
is playing right there."

469
00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:39,561
Yeah, it sure does.

470
00:24:40,353 --> 00:24:42,314
It does sound like the band
is playing right there,

471
00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:46,234
if right there is "they've been buried
under a mile of rubble."

472
00:24:47,611 --> 00:24:51,198
Yes, it does sound
just like they're right there.

473
00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:56,870
But we were the cheapest game in town,
so we could underbid everybody.

474
00:24:56,953 --> 00:24:59,539
So we got all the shittiest gigs.

475
00:25:00,457 --> 00:25:03,919
All of our gigs were shotgun weddings
and forced retirements.

476
00:25:04,044 --> 00:25:06,796
We were the ambient music…

477
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:09,007
for rage and despair.

478
00:25:09,090 --> 00:25:09,925
That is what…

479
00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:11,510
we really were.

480
00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:14,721
"Hey, did your daughter's boss
at Sam Goody knock her up,

481
00:25:14,804 --> 00:25:16,765
and now you want her first dance
at your wedding

482
00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:18,725
to be 'Almost Paradise' sounding like…"

483
00:25:18,808 --> 00:25:21,436
[hums "Almost Paradise" melody]
♪ Almost paradise ♪

484
00:25:22,395 --> 00:25:25,398
[sings mumbled lyrics]

485
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:29,194
[mumbled singing]

486
00:25:30,278 --> 00:25:33,823
[mumbled singing]

487
00:25:33,907 --> 00:25:38,703
[continues mumbled singing]

488
00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:42,374
[muffled singing]

489
00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:47,295
[mumbled singing]

490
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:48,213
"That's right.

491
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:53,051
Our songs'll match the sound of the scream
trapped in your throat, Dad!"

492
00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:02,310
So, every weekend
was just this parade of horrors.

493
00:26:02,852 --> 00:26:05,689
And the other DJs I worked with,
these guys in their 30s and 40s

494
00:26:05,772 --> 00:26:08,900
who were trying to justify
the cul-de-sac that their live was...

495
00:26:10,110 --> 00:26:13,905
would lay their bullshit justifications
on me, the dipshit teenager

496
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:15,323
in the Chess King suit.

497
00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:17,325
They would dump it all on me.

498
00:26:18,034 --> 00:26:19,911
And they would say shit like,
"You know, Patton,

499
00:26:20,745 --> 00:26:22,497
a little bit of, uh, DJ wisdom.

500
00:26:23,748 --> 00:26:25,041
A little bit of DJ lore.

501
00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:26,334
You might not know this…

502
00:26:26,876 --> 00:26:27,877
but, uh…

503
00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:29,546
if something goes wrong with the wedding,

504
00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:32,007
that means that marriage is solid.

505
00:26:33,174 --> 00:26:35,844
A little bit of DJ lore.
You might not know that, so…

506
00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:37,887
When you think about it,

507
00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:40,849
we're kind of doing
a beautiful thing here."

508
00:26:40,932 --> 00:26:44,561
[laughter]

509
00:26:48,273 --> 00:26:51,484
"We're building the foundations
for lifelong romances. That's what we--

510
00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:53,278
That's what we do here.

511
00:26:54,237 --> 00:26:55,989
You could almost say we're love wizards.

512
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,825
We're love wizards."

513
00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:02,704
And I bought that hook, line, and sinker!

514
00:27:03,204 --> 00:27:05,582
So, now I'm at my wedding
and nothing's going wrong.

515
00:27:05,665 --> 00:27:07,876
It's beautiful, and I'm the one guy going,

516
00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:09,919
"Should I punch somebody or…

517
00:27:11,421 --> 00:27:13,381
I wanna be with her.
Should I take my dick out?

518
00:27:13,465 --> 00:27:16,551
Or-- I don't know what to do.
Like… something should go wrong."

519
00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:19,137
It took me till the reception to go,

520
00:27:19,220 --> 00:27:22,724
"What the fuck were they telling me?
That was bullshit!

521
00:27:23,516 --> 00:27:25,226
There's no DJ lore!

522
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,354
They were just trying to justify

523
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:31,900
the fucking horrible shit
that we had to witness every weekend."

524
00:27:32,692 --> 00:27:34,027
All those marriages were--

525
00:27:34,110 --> 00:27:37,405
Those marriages didn't last a month
after we did those gigs.

526
00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:39,824
We were not love wizards.

527
00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:41,868
We were divorce necromancers.

528
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,995
That's what we were. Yeah.

529
00:27:44,871 --> 00:27:50,043
We brought fucking acrimony
and separation everywhere we went.

530
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:53,880
Oh, the shit I saw at those gigs.

531
00:27:54,464 --> 00:27:56,549
I've seen-- I saw two separate weddings

532
00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:59,302
where a groom punched out a best man.

533
00:27:59,469 --> 00:28:00,553
Two different ones.

534
00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:04,891
I saw a mom projectile vomit

535
00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:07,894
during a spotlight dance with her son,
at the reception.

536
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:10,021
Projectile vomit!

537
00:28:11,106 --> 00:28:13,525
It ruined Cyndi Lauper's
"All Through the Night" for me.

538
00:28:13,608 --> 00:28:15,026
I can't listen to that song.

539
00:28:15,443 --> 00:28:17,278
I love that song. She ruined it!

540
00:28:21,658 --> 00:28:22,492
And…

541
00:28:22,951 --> 00:28:24,577
our caterer was amazing.

542
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:26,663
At our wedding,
our caterer was incredible.

543
00:28:26,746 --> 00:28:30,500
This little company, Heirloom LA,
and he was such an amazing chef.

544
00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:34,963
And we were trying all of his food
and talking with him about his life story,

545
00:28:35,046 --> 00:28:35,964
and then he was like,

546
00:28:36,047 --> 00:28:38,550
"I really like you guys, you're great.
You know what I'm gonna do?

547
00:28:38,633 --> 00:28:41,511
I wanna talk to you guys
and get your story,

548
00:28:41,594 --> 00:28:45,390
and then, at the reception,
I'm gonna have two specialty cocktails

549
00:28:45,765 --> 00:28:48,977
that I will name for each of you,
after I hear your life story."

550
00:28:49,060 --> 00:28:50,186
So we talked for a bit,

551
00:28:50,270 --> 00:28:52,272
and, sure enough, at the reception,

552
00:28:52,397 --> 00:28:57,235
two handcrafted specialty cocktails
named for each of us.

553
00:28:57,318 --> 00:28:58,278
One of them…

554
00:28:59,028 --> 00:29:00,280
was called the Malibu.

555
00:29:01,072 --> 00:29:04,743
Because my wife was born and raised
in Malibu, California.

556
00:29:05,493 --> 00:29:08,079
And the other one was called the Sterling.

557
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:11,416
'Cause I grew up in Sterling, Virginia.

558
00:29:11,499 --> 00:29:13,293
[laughter]

559
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,210
Now...

560
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:16,796
the Malibu…

561
00:29:18,131 --> 00:29:22,552
was a complex flavor palate
of light and dark…

562
00:29:23,595 --> 00:29:24,846
salty and sweet…

563
00:29:25,805 --> 00:29:26,973
bitter and tangy…

564
00:29:27,849 --> 00:29:31,019
as mysterious and unknowable…

565
00:29:31,728 --> 00:29:33,605
[whispers] as the sea itself.

566
00:29:33,688 --> 00:29:35,690
[laughter]

567
00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:41,780
And the Sterling…

568
00:29:42,489 --> 00:29:43,907
was lemonade with vodka in it.

569
00:29:43,990 --> 00:29:45,784
I don't know if you've been to Sterling.

570
00:29:46,117 --> 00:29:47,368
He nailed it.

571
00:29:47,452 --> 00:29:48,411
Oh, my God.

572
00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:51,289
Absolutely nailed my hometown.

573
00:29:51,915 --> 00:29:55,585
"Hey, how can we get drunk quickly
in this Roy Rogers parking lot

574
00:29:55,668 --> 00:29:56,961
before school starts?"

575
00:29:57,712 --> 00:30:00,381
"I stole some vodka from my dad's garage.

576
00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:03,635
Is that Country Time Lemonade?
That'll kill the taste. Let's do this."

577
00:30:04,677 --> 00:30:06,012
Let's do it!

578
00:30:09,349 --> 00:30:10,183
Mwah!

579
00:30:12,936 --> 00:30:15,980
And now I'm just--
Being married is the best!

580
00:30:16,481 --> 00:30:18,233
I love it. Although, anyone here,

581
00:30:18,441 --> 00:30:21,027
no matter how good of a marriage
is that you're in…

582
00:30:21,110 --> 00:30:21,986
You know this.

583
00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:24,364
…you will have fucking fights.

584
00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:28,326
You will have huge,
knock-down, drag-out fights.

585
00:30:28,409 --> 00:30:31,788
And a couple of months ago,
we had one of those blowouts.

586
00:30:31,996 --> 00:30:34,624
And I mean a blowout
where the fight ended with both of us--

587
00:30:34,707 --> 00:30:36,793
"I don't wanna listen
to your shit anymore!

588
00:30:36,876 --> 00:30:38,503
Oh, my God, you're such a fucking idiot!"

589
00:30:38,586 --> 00:30:40,505
And me going,
"I don't wanna listen to your shit!"

590
00:30:40,588 --> 00:30:42,006
I'm going on a hike."

591
00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:43,341
That was my...

592
00:30:43,758 --> 00:30:44,968
That was my mic drop.

593
00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:46,386
"I'm going on a hike."

594
00:30:47,470 --> 00:30:49,806
And she's like, "Yeah,
go on your stupid hike, I don't care."

595
00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:52,058
Off I went on my hike.

596
00:30:52,559 --> 00:30:54,936
"Fucking goddammit,
she's such a fucking idiot."

597
00:30:56,062 --> 00:30:58,690
And then halfway to my hike, it hits me.

598
00:30:58,773 --> 00:31:01,067
"Oh, my God. What the fuck are we doing?

599
00:31:01,401 --> 00:31:03,778
We blew this up over nothing.

600
00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:05,446
This is over nothing.

601
00:31:05,530 --> 00:31:08,408
Oh, my God, I gotta go back and apologize.
Jesus Christ."

602
00:31:09,158 --> 00:31:12,161
And little did I know
that she was home going,

603
00:31:12,287 --> 00:31:13,580
"Oh, we blew this up.

604
00:31:13,663 --> 00:31:16,624
Oh, my God,
I gotta apologize to that dude."

605
00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:18,001
What are we doing?"

606
00:31:18,209 --> 00:31:19,043
Now...

607
00:31:20,003 --> 00:31:23,423
before I tell you the rest of the story,
please keep in mind…

608
00:31:24,048 --> 00:31:25,925
that the thing she did next

609
00:31:26,009 --> 00:31:27,510
was done with love…

610
00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:31,389
and was meant as a romantic gesture.

611
00:31:32,724 --> 00:31:34,684
Please, keep those in mind.

612
00:31:35,018 --> 00:31:36,185
I'm begging you.

613
00:31:37,812 --> 00:31:41,649
She went to where I hike,
'cause she knows where I go hiking,

614
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:45,570
parked her car where I couldn't see it,
wrote a note,

615
00:31:46,404 --> 00:31:47,947
left it on my windshield...

616
00:31:48,781 --> 00:31:50,742
for me to find when the hike was over.

617
00:31:52,076 --> 00:31:54,704
Finished my hike, went,
"Oh, there's a note on my windshield.

618
00:31:54,787 --> 00:31:55,622
I open it up.

619
00:31:55,872 --> 00:31:56,915
Here's the note.

620
00:31:57,957 --> 00:31:58,791
Verbatim.

621
00:32:00,668 --> 00:32:01,502
First line:

622
00:32:02,253 --> 00:32:03,129
"Stop."

623
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:05,882
Space.

624
00:32:07,383 --> 00:32:08,343
Second line:

625
00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:10,261
"Get out of your car."

626
00:32:19,228 --> 00:32:20,104
Space.

627
00:32:21,314 --> 00:32:22,148
Third line:

628
00:32:22,565 --> 00:32:24,651
"Walk to the park bench in front of you."

629
00:32:30,490 --> 00:32:31,449
Space.

630
00:32:32,575 --> 00:32:33,618
Last line:

631
00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:34,911
"I love you."

632
00:32:37,288 --> 00:32:39,958
Now, okay, yes, yes,
it ended with "I love you."

633
00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:40,917
That's very nice.

634
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:44,379
But that was a long, terrifying walk…

635
00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:46,673
to "I love you."

636
00:32:47,256 --> 00:32:48,257
Holy shit!

637
00:32:48,675 --> 00:32:52,679
That is what a demented hit man
leaves on a windshield.

638
00:32:53,054 --> 00:32:54,555
I'm reading this thing like, "Oh, God,

639
00:32:54,639 --> 00:32:56,474
who did I fight with on Twitter today?

640
00:32:56,557 --> 00:32:57,475
Goddammnit!

641
00:32:58,476 --> 00:33:01,896
One of these fucking
alt-right MAGA assholes found me!"

642
00:33:02,355 --> 00:33:05,066
[applause, cheering]

643
00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:13,449
Like looking down at my shirt,

644
00:33:13,533 --> 00:33:16,077
with that little red dot that, like,
started creeping up, and...

645
00:33:19,247 --> 00:33:22,291
Then I look up and she's sitting
on a park bench 20 yards away from me.

646
00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:25,628
I'm like, "Okay, you wrote this."

647
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:28,214
Ahh!

648
00:33:28,297 --> 00:33:30,383
[Oswalt, audience laughing]

649
00:33:33,594 --> 00:33:34,554
Fucking terrified.

650
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,765
And you know what?
Just the pacing, forget the words.

651
00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:39,642
The pacing is terrifying!

652
00:33:40,143 --> 00:33:43,563
That's the same pacing
like when a loved one gets kidnapped.

653
00:33:43,980 --> 00:33:46,774
And you get that call,
and they're using the voice changer.

654
00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:49,277
That's the same pacing
and syntax they use.

655
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:52,321
Which, in that case--
The "I love you" is the scariest part.

656
00:33:52,613 --> 00:33:54,073
With the voice changer?

657
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:56,451
You're like, "Hello?"
[deepens voice] "Stop."

658
00:33:57,744 --> 00:33:59,162
"Get out of your car.

659
00:33:59,996 --> 00:34:02,081
Walk to the park bench in front of you.

660
00:34:02,498 --> 00:34:03,666
I love you."

661
00:34:03,791 --> 00:34:05,960
[normal voice] Like, "Oh, what the fuck?"

662
00:34:07,128 --> 00:34:07,962
[shudders]

663
00:34:17,138 --> 00:34:17,972
So…

664
00:34:18,264 --> 00:34:19,640
I got invited…

665
00:34:21,225 --> 00:34:23,352
to the pre--
Hang on, let me do that again.

666
00:34:24,812 --> 00:34:27,273
Oh, you'll get to see
the behind the scenes making of this.

667
00:34:27,356 --> 00:34:29,484
Watch this.
Go right back to my starting thing.

668
00:34:29,650 --> 00:34:30,485
You ready?

669
00:34:30,693 --> 00:34:31,778
Watch this? Okay.

670
00:34:32,570 --> 00:34:33,529
I got invited…

671
00:34:33,613 --> 00:34:36,032
[Oswalt, audience laughing]

672
00:34:45,166 --> 00:34:46,417
Holy shit!

673
00:34:49,337 --> 00:34:51,631
No, I did get invited to the premiere…

674
00:34:52,632 --> 00:34:54,801
of the Han Solo Star Wars movie.

675
00:34:54,967 --> 00:34:56,719
I got invited.

676
00:34:57,845 --> 00:35:00,139
And not only did I get invited,

677
00:35:00,807 --> 00:35:01,849
at the premiere,

678
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:04,185
on Hollywood Boulevard,

679
00:35:04,852 --> 00:35:09,524
they built a full-scale Millennium Falcon.

680
00:35:10,233 --> 00:35:11,109
Yeah.

681
00:35:11,192 --> 00:35:13,736
You could go inside, walk around,

682
00:35:13,820 --> 00:35:15,738
get your picture taken
sitting in the cockpit.

683
00:35:15,822 --> 00:35:16,906
Holy shit.

684
00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:20,159
And I got invited. Me!

685
00:35:21,577 --> 00:35:22,662
And I couldn't go.

686
00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:29,877
Because it was the same night
as my daughter's second grade art show.

687
00:35:30,294 --> 00:35:34,090
[audience groans, laughs, applauds]

688
00:35:38,427 --> 00:35:40,596
And, as if to add insult to injury,

689
00:35:42,056 --> 00:35:43,307
her art project…

690
00:35:44,308 --> 00:35:48,604
was the shittiest robot I've ever seen.

691
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:53,109
It looked like a silver scrotum
with a box on top.

692
00:35:55,319 --> 00:35:56,154
And it, like--

693
00:35:56,237 --> 00:35:58,447
And the expression on the face,
I swear to God, was like,

694
00:35:58,531 --> 00:36:00,616
"Yeah, it sucks, I know. That's-- Yeah.

695
00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:04,579
Dunno what to tell-- You're 2 miles away
from the Millennium Falcon,

696
00:36:04,662 --> 00:36:05,872
you gotta look at me. Yeah.

697
00:36:06,664 --> 00:36:08,749
Yeah, life blows. What are you gonna do?"

698
00:36:11,419 --> 00:36:12,253
You know what I did?

699
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:15,214
I did Academy Award-level acting
that night.

700
00:36:15,965 --> 00:36:19,844
I was like, "Sweetie, this is...
this is amazing. You made this?

701
00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:21,971
Oh, my God!

702
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:25,766
Is he gonna get up and walk? This is
a real robot. Did you make a real robot?

703
00:36:26,267 --> 00:36:27,643
Sweetie, wow!

704
00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:28,936
This is...

705
00:36:29,187 --> 00:36:30,104
Ah!

706
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:31,230
You're a genius.

707
00:36:31,772 --> 00:36:33,816
You really are.
You're blowing me away, sweetie.

708
00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:36,068
You really do. You blow me away.

709
00:36:36,861 --> 00:36:37,695
Yeah."

710
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:46,162
I know. I know.

711
00:36:47,079 --> 00:36:50,791
If you went back to the summer of 1977,

712
00:36:51,459 --> 00:36:53,044
walked up to eight-year-old me,

713
00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:55,671
just came out of Star Wars, mind blown,

714
00:36:56,214 --> 00:36:58,674
and you were like, "Patton, someday,

715
00:36:59,175 --> 00:37:02,553
they're going to make a movie
just about Han Solo,

716
00:37:03,471 --> 00:37:05,181
and you're gonna be invited
to the premiere.

717
00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:06,974
And, at the premiere,

718
00:37:07,058 --> 00:37:09,727
there's gonna be
a full-size Millennium Falcon.

719
00:37:10,561 --> 00:37:12,271
You'll be able to walk around
inside of it,

720
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:14,482
sit in the cockpit,
get your picture taken.

721
00:37:15,900 --> 00:37:17,485
But you're not gonna be able to go.

722
00:37:20,529 --> 00:37:23,616
'Cause you'll have to go
to your daughter's second grade art show."

723
00:37:24,784 --> 00:37:27,495
I know for a fact that I would have said,

724
00:37:27,662 --> 00:37:29,580
"I get to fuck a lady someday?"

725
00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:30,873
Like, I would have been…

726
00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:32,750
so cool with it.

727
00:37:32,833 --> 00:37:33,960
"Yeah, great!"

728
00:37:36,712 --> 00:37:38,464
I'll see you later. I don't give a shit.

729
00:37:40,174 --> 00:37:41,592
Look, I'm just...

730
00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:44,136
I don't really have
any current event stuff or--

731
00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:46,597
I don't have any Trump material
is what I'm saying. I don't--

732
00:37:46,681 --> 00:37:48,015
There's no-- What is the--

733
00:37:48,140 --> 00:37:50,226
What is the point at this point?

734
00:37:51,102 --> 00:37:52,353
What is the point?

735
00:37:52,561 --> 00:37:53,521
The people--

736
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:55,564
The people that hate Trump, hate him.

737
00:37:55,648 --> 00:37:57,650
The people that still like him,
they're lost.

738
00:37:57,733 --> 00:37:58,651
So, what is--

739
00:37:58,943 --> 00:38:00,027
What happens…

740
00:38:00,528 --> 00:38:04,031
if I do a bit that no one's gonna--
"Oh, okay."

741
00:38:05,449 --> 00:38:07,451
[cheering, applause]

742
00:38:10,746 --> 00:38:12,999
Doing a bit about Trump
thinking you're gonna effect change

743
00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:16,752
is like doing a bit, like,
to the Manson followers, basically.

744
00:38:16,836 --> 00:38:17,670
Like, just...

745
00:38:18,587 --> 00:38:20,965
And hoping that they'll go,
"Oh, that was a clever joke.

746
00:38:21,048 --> 00:38:22,550
Yeah, he is kinda crazy, huh?"

747
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:29,849
All my friends who told me,
"Oh, man, you comedians…

748
00:38:30,349 --> 00:38:31,392
If Trump gets elected,

749
00:38:31,475 --> 00:38:34,020
it's going to be Christmas everyday
for you guys."

750
00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:37,273
Let me tell you what it's like…

751
00:38:38,274 --> 00:38:39,483
being a comedian…

752
00:38:40,109 --> 00:38:41,569
while Trump is the president.

753
00:38:42,945 --> 00:38:44,238
The Trump presidency...

754
00:38:45,364 --> 00:38:46,699
is an 18-wheeler…

755
00:38:47,908 --> 00:38:50,202
full of monkeys and PCP.

756
00:38:57,084 --> 00:38:58,002
And...

757
00:38:58,627 --> 00:39:00,171
it has crashed…

758
00:39:01,255 --> 00:39:03,632
into a train full of diarrhea.

759
00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:08,429
And now...

760
00:39:09,597 --> 00:39:13,100
there's diarrhea-covered monkeys on PCP
running around.

761
00:39:15,853 --> 00:39:18,814
And everyone's watching it like,
"Holy shit, look at this."

762
00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:22,693
And then you, as a comedian,
walk up and go,

763
00:39:22,777 --> 00:39:24,445
"Hey, wanna hear a joke
I wrote about this?"

764
00:39:24,528 --> 00:39:27,365
You're like,
"No, we're good, dude. I'm fine.

765
00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:29,408
I mean, Jesus, look at all this.

766
00:39:29,909 --> 00:39:30,826
You can take a break.

767
00:39:30,910 --> 00:39:31,786
Oh, my God.

768
00:39:32,703 --> 00:39:33,537
Wow."

769
00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:36,582
[applause, laughter]

770
00:39:40,628 --> 00:39:42,880
I mean,
I wanna be socially conscious, but…

771
00:39:43,089 --> 00:39:47,134
Right now, being a comedian
is like being the MC in Cabaret,

772
00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:48,511
if you know what I mean.

773
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:52,640
Not a lot of bright spots.

774
00:39:55,142 --> 00:39:58,562
Although I will say, for me,
one of the bright spots for me

775
00:39:58,646 --> 00:40:00,981
is the whole #MeToo movement.

776
00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:04,944
That is a big bright spot,
and the reason is, um...

777
00:40:07,029 --> 00:40:09,573
Actually, this shouldn't be the reason,
but it is.

778
00:40:09,657 --> 00:40:11,242
It's 'cause I'm the father of a daughter.

779
00:40:11,325 --> 00:40:13,994
Although it should be
'cause I'm a fucking human being,

780
00:40:14,161 --> 00:40:17,164
-but I'm still happy that it's happening.
-[applause]

781
00:40:17,248 --> 00:40:18,082
The one...

782
00:40:20,584 --> 00:40:24,588
The one thing that's kinda shitty
about Me, Too, for me,

783
00:40:24,672 --> 00:40:26,674
is it's really put into perspective

784
00:40:26,966 --> 00:40:29,051
what an amateur perv I am.

785
00:40:29,135 --> 00:40:29,969
Like, I...

786
00:40:30,344 --> 00:40:34,265
always thought that I was
on the bleeding edge of depravity and…

787
00:40:35,015 --> 00:40:37,518
And then I'm reading
all these Me, Too reports,

788
00:40:37,601 --> 00:40:41,147
and I'm just like, "I'm just
a fucking bowl of vanilla ice cream."

789
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:42,064
Like, this is...

790
00:40:43,190 --> 00:40:44,608
No toppings!

791
00:40:50,072 --> 00:40:53,659
And apparently-- A lot of these reports--
It's not just one or two guys.

792
00:40:53,826 --> 00:40:58,080
There's a lot of guys
whose very specific kink

793
00:40:58,414 --> 00:41:01,667
is jerking off to women

794
00:41:01,750 --> 00:41:04,295
that openly don't want them
jerking off to them.

795
00:41:04,420 --> 00:41:09,216
Which-- That level of self-esteem
and confidence I can only dream of,

796
00:41:09,300 --> 00:41:11,469
because you know, like...

797
00:41:11,844 --> 00:41:14,763
You know how shitty
you're going to look doing it.

798
00:41:14,847 --> 00:41:16,557
Like, even if you-- And I've had--

799
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:19,143
I've literally had friends of mine
that are not my friends anymore

800
00:41:19,226 --> 00:41:22,146
that have said,
"These guys all got consent, man."

801
00:41:22,271 --> 00:41:24,648
Okay, maybe they did get consent.

802
00:41:25,149 --> 00:41:29,862
First off, I guarantee you the consent
didn't look like, "Yeah!" It...

803
00:41:33,365 --> 00:41:35,201
If they got consent, it looked like,

804
00:41:35,451 --> 00:41:37,661
"Just-- Make it quick, right?
It'll be quick?

805
00:41:38,078 --> 00:41:39,413
You'll be done quick, right?"

806
00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:44,877
But then, even if you get consent,
you know-- There's no cool way

807
00:41:45,127 --> 00:41:47,171
to jerk off in front of--

808
00:41:47,254 --> 00:41:48,923
There's no Fonzie way

809
00:41:49,256 --> 00:41:53,219
to, like, jerk-- Like, "Are you--
Is that consent? Are you okay? Great.

810
00:41:53,385 --> 00:41:57,848
Let me just lean in this doorway,
with the city skyline behind me at sunset,

811
00:41:58,224 --> 00:41:59,350
cigarette in my mouth.

812
00:41:59,433 --> 00:42:02,269
I'm just going to put
Roxy Music's "Avalon" on, and then...

813
00:42:02,811 --> 00:42:04,688
just Jimi Hendrix my way to climax."

814
00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:05,731
Like, no, you...

815
00:42:05,814 --> 00:42:07,191
You're not gonna look like that.

816
00:42:07,274 --> 00:42:10,361
You're going to look like an orangutan
hunched over in a blizzard.

817
00:42:10,444 --> 00:42:11,612
Just, "Ahh!"

818
00:42:11,695 --> 00:42:12,655
Like, there's no, like--

819
00:42:13,030 --> 00:42:15,366
You will look terrible. Like, she's not...

820
00:42:19,328 --> 00:42:23,541
There's not gonna be an Anaïs Nin
diary entry about you afterward.

821
00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:28,254
"And then when I saw his come
dribble across his sad knuckles,

822
00:42:29,004 --> 00:42:30,881
I knew I had met my matador."

823
00:42:30,965 --> 00:42:33,008
Like, no, it's just-- It's gonna be...

824
00:42:36,387 --> 00:42:38,556
But they fucking--
They go ahead and do it.

825
00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:39,473
What the fuck?

826
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:40,683
I've been jerking off,

827
00:42:40,766 --> 00:42:42,560
and I've caught myself
in the mirror and gone,

828
00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:44,103
"Oh, fuck! I'm sorry! Oh!"

829
00:42:44,186 --> 00:42:46,188
Ahh!

830
00:42:46,647 --> 00:42:47,773
Ahh!

831
00:42:51,694 --> 00:42:53,279
Write an email to myself later.

832
00:42:53,362 --> 00:42:55,072
"I want to apologize for that.

833
00:42:55,447 --> 00:42:57,491
That is not who I am. I need to..."

834
00:43:01,370 --> 00:43:02,621
That's their thing!

835
00:43:03,247 --> 00:43:05,082
And the other thing that confuses me is…

836
00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:08,377
there's porn for everything.

837
00:43:09,128 --> 00:43:10,921
So was there porn for this…

838
00:43:11,422 --> 00:43:12,506
and I just missed it?

839
00:43:13,215 --> 00:43:18,137
Like, was there porn for jerking off
to the unwilling all these years…

840
00:43:18,554 --> 00:43:19,888
and it just was off my radar?

841
00:43:19,972 --> 00:43:21,890
Like, were there 900 numbers

842
00:43:22,308 --> 00:43:25,144
where it's like, "Our hottest operators…

843
00:43:26,061 --> 00:43:28,939
are just trying to get
to the copier machine."

844
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:31,025
[laughter]

845
00:43:36,905 --> 00:43:40,200
"Ooh, but you're blocking the hallway,
aren't you, stud?"

846
00:43:45,122 --> 00:43:47,875
"Call 1-900-Just-Finish-Already."

847
00:43:52,963 --> 00:43:55,299
Or videotape series in the '80s...

848
00:43:56,008 --> 00:43:58,719
"Faces of disapproval, one through nine."

849
00:44:01,305 --> 00:44:03,515
"Asian faces of disapproval."

850
00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:08,937
"Barely legal faces of disapproval."

851
00:44:13,609 --> 00:44:15,694
There are hipsters who are like,
"I'm old school, man.

852
00:44:15,778 --> 00:44:17,404
I like the print magazine.
That's my thing.

853
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:20,157
Did you see the latest issue of Nope?

854
00:44:20,240 --> 00:44:22,701
Ahh. Mwah.

855
00:44:23,619 --> 00:44:26,497
The centerfold, she's checking her e-mail
and rolling her eyes.

856
00:44:26,580 --> 00:44:28,540
I came twice
before I got my pants off, man.

857
00:44:31,710 --> 00:44:34,505
I subscribe to Nope, Fine, Whatever,

858
00:44:34,755 --> 00:44:36,256
and I used to subscribe to...

859
00:44:36,340 --> 00:44:37,508
[groans]

860
00:44:37,591 --> 00:44:38,425
but...

861
00:44:39,259 --> 00:44:42,763
They went a little neocon in the '80s.
I had to cancel my subscription."

862
00:44:49,395 --> 00:44:51,271
I have a theory about Jesus.

863
00:44:51,647 --> 00:44:53,440
[laughter]

864
00:44:53,524 --> 00:44:56,276
I-- I've tried so hard
to think of a segue for that.

865
00:44:56,360 --> 00:44:57,778
There's just nothing. There's no--

866
00:44:57,861 --> 00:44:58,946
Trust me, I tried.

867
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:01,198
Yeah, can you--

868
00:45:01,281 --> 00:45:04,493
"You know who didn't jerk off
in front of people?" No, there's no--

869
00:45:09,415 --> 00:45:10,499
It does not work.

870
00:45:12,543 --> 00:45:13,794
I'm still an atheist,

871
00:45:14,753 --> 00:45:15,587
but…

872
00:45:16,672 --> 00:45:18,549
I think that Jesus existed.

873
00:45:19,174 --> 00:45:23,470
And I have a theory about him,
which I absolutely cannot support.

874
00:45:24,847 --> 00:45:26,181
My theory is…

875
00:45:26,682 --> 00:45:28,225
Jesus existed,

876
00:45:29,017 --> 00:45:32,396
but he was also
about 15 or 20 different people.

877
00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:36,233
Then, over the centuries,
it got boiled down to one person

878
00:45:36,567 --> 00:45:39,111
when people told stories about it: Jesus.

879
00:45:39,945 --> 00:45:42,322
And one of the things I have
to back this theory up is…

880
00:45:42,614 --> 00:45:45,200
I'm 30 years outside of high school
at this point.

881
00:45:45,784 --> 00:45:48,370
And the five or six cool guys
I knew in high school,

882
00:45:48,620 --> 00:45:51,248
I had boiled down into one guy…

883
00:45:52,416 --> 00:45:54,460
named Craig because…

884
00:45:55,502 --> 00:45:57,463
when I'm telling a story
about high school,

885
00:45:57,546 --> 00:45:58,922
no one gives a shit about--

886
00:45:59,006 --> 00:46:00,841
I'm just making a point about something.

887
00:46:00,924 --> 00:46:02,509
So I boil it all down to Craig.

888
00:46:02,634 --> 00:46:03,969
Craig had great weed,

889
00:46:04,052 --> 00:46:06,638
Craig played me Pink Floyd's The Wall
for the first time.

890
00:46:06,722 --> 00:46:08,223
It doesn't-- No one gives a shit.

891
00:46:08,307 --> 00:46:10,058
Just-- "Fine, Craig, got it."

892
00:46:10,434 --> 00:46:12,603
The person is not important,
it's the story.

893
00:46:13,187 --> 00:46:15,814
Now, Jesus-- This is thousands of years.

894
00:46:16,064 --> 00:46:21,820
And people also forget biblical times
were horrible.

895
00:46:22,488 --> 00:46:25,449
Way worse than medieval times,
way worse than the Dark Ages.

896
00:46:25,532 --> 00:46:27,951
Biblical times were a frigging nightmare.

897
00:46:28,035 --> 00:46:31,789
It was the-- Might makes right,
no rule of law.

898
00:46:31,914 --> 00:46:34,750
People just-- You fell down the street,
people hit you with a rock

899
00:46:34,958 --> 00:46:36,043
and took your stuff.

900
00:46:36,710 --> 00:46:38,003
Other people watched it and went,

901
00:46:38,086 --> 00:46:40,547
"Yeah, you shouldn't have fallen down,
I guess. Yeah.

902
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:44,426
Life's horrible. There you go."

903
00:46:47,137 --> 00:46:47,971
And then…

904
00:46:49,223 --> 00:46:51,141
just as an evolutionary leap,

905
00:46:51,308 --> 00:46:54,019
which, to me, is just as amazing
as miracles and magic,

906
00:46:54,686 --> 00:46:55,771
random people…

907
00:46:56,939 --> 00:46:59,024
more enlightened, advanced people,

908
00:46:59,525 --> 00:47:00,734
just started going,

909
00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:01,652
"Hey,

910
00:47:02,069 --> 00:47:05,447
what if I wasn't a raging douchebag
all the time?

911
00:47:06,448 --> 00:47:07,699
Like, what would happen?"

912
00:47:08,367 --> 00:47:10,410
And the first time
they did that to people,

913
00:47:10,494 --> 00:47:12,788
it melted their minds!

914
00:47:12,871 --> 00:47:15,165
They had no frame of reference for it,

915
00:47:15,290 --> 00:47:17,000
they had no way to describe it,

916
00:47:17,125 --> 00:47:20,629
and that turned into stories
of superpowers and miracles.

917
00:47:21,004 --> 00:47:23,632
They had no other way to describe it.
Somebody's starving to death--

918
00:47:23,715 --> 00:47:27,261
Back then, someone would starve to death,
you'd stand in front of him, with food.

919
00:47:27,845 --> 00:47:31,390
"Wow, I have food, and you're starving.
What are you gonna do, you know?"

920
00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:34,893
And then feed the rest to an animal
and watch the guy die, and then…

921
00:47:35,727 --> 00:47:37,771
But some random person went,
"I can't finish this.

922
00:47:37,855 --> 00:47:39,648
How about you have it so you don't die?"

923
00:47:39,731 --> 00:47:40,983
And the person you gave it to…

924
00:47:41,066 --> 00:47:41,942
[imitates explosion]

925
00:47:42,025 --> 00:47:42,860
Like...

926
00:47:43,110 --> 00:47:44,361
no way to describe.

927
00:47:44,444 --> 00:47:46,947
He'd never seen anything like that before,
and that turned into…

928
00:47:47,030 --> 00:47:47,906
"You-- You're not--

929
00:47:47,990 --> 00:47:52,160
There was, like, 5,000 people,
and one piece of bread and fish.

930
00:47:52,244 --> 00:47:54,288
And everyone had food. It was crazy!"

931
00:47:56,915 --> 00:48:00,043
[laughter, scattered applause]

932
00:48:00,127 --> 00:48:02,671
Or, like, Jesus was always driving demons
out of people.

933
00:48:02,754 --> 00:48:03,630
Well, that was--

934
00:48:03,964 --> 00:48:05,966
Somebody was sad or depressed,

935
00:48:06,049 --> 00:48:07,926
and, back then,
if someone was sad or depressed,

936
00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:10,637
you threw rocks at 'em
until they jumped off a cliff and died.

937
00:48:11,763 --> 00:48:13,891
And you went, "He was sad, now he's dead."

938
00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:17,978
And then you look at the camera and go,
"Biblical times. What are you gonna do?"

939
00:48:21,690 --> 00:48:23,400
And, instead,
somebody came up and was like,

940
00:48:23,483 --> 00:48:26,570
"Hey, what's wrong? I'll listen to you.
Talk to me. Maybe we can work this out."

941
00:48:26,653 --> 00:48:28,280
[imitates explosion]

942
00:48:29,364 --> 00:48:31,992
"I was full of demons,
and all these demons...

943
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:33,994
The guy chased all the demons away."

944
00:48:34,119 --> 00:48:35,495
A guy made you feel better.

945
00:48:37,039 --> 00:48:38,624
Which, better-- But, look, there's been--

946
00:48:38,707 --> 00:48:40,500
I've had sessions with my therapist

947
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:44,212
where I have been
so fucking depressed and horrible,

948
00:48:44,296 --> 00:48:46,548
and he's talked me off the ledge.
If he told me afterwards,

949
00:48:46,632 --> 00:48:48,967
"There were actually 3 demons in you
and I scared 'em away."

950
00:48:49,051 --> 00:48:52,012
I'm like, "Fine, whatever works.
I'll take it. That's great, yeah.

951
00:48:52,262 --> 00:48:53,931
Demons, got it. Thanks, doc."

952
00:48:57,351 --> 00:49:00,270
And raising people from the dead?
That was immediate--

953
00:49:00,354 --> 00:49:02,856
I mean, there was-- A guy fell down.

954
00:49:02,940 --> 00:49:03,857
[boom]

955
00:49:04,524 --> 00:49:06,735
In the street.
Another guy starts walking towards him,

956
00:49:06,818 --> 00:49:09,446
the guy on the street was like,
"Well, here comes my murder.

957
00:49:09,738 --> 00:49:11,281
I shouldn't have fallen down.

958
00:49:11,823 --> 00:49:13,283
Time for me to get murdered."

959
00:49:15,202 --> 00:49:18,163
That happened. Everyone was used to that.
"I fell. Gonna get hit with a rock.

960
00:49:18,246 --> 00:49:19,247
He's gonna take my stuff."

961
00:49:20,666 --> 00:49:23,627
Instead the guy who walked up was like,
"Give me your arm. I'll help you up."

962
00:49:23,877 --> 00:49:27,381
And the guy, as he pulled him up,
he was like… [imitates explosion]

963
00:49:28,298 --> 00:49:31,051
That one, he just immediately turned
to his friends and was like,

964
00:49:31,134 --> 00:49:32,010
"I was just dead.

965
00:49:32,636 --> 00:49:33,595
I was just dead."

966
00:49:33,887 --> 00:49:35,973
Technically, he was.
In his mind, he was dead.

967
00:49:36,056 --> 00:49:37,849
That's what happened.
You fall down, you die.

968
00:49:38,308 --> 00:49:40,560
"I was just dead,
and I'm lying in the street.

969
00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:41,979
This guy starts walking up to me.

970
00:49:42,062 --> 00:49:43,605
I'm like, 'I'm just gonna get murdered

971
00:49:43,689 --> 00:49:44,982
near this amaranth,'

972
00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:46,650
and, instead, he...

973
00:49:47,109 --> 00:49:50,487
grabbed my arm and he pulled me up,
and he brought me back from the dead.

974
00:49:51,279 --> 00:49:52,906
He already left. I forget his name.

975
00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:54,658
It's Jesus, or Kirby, or something.

976
00:49:54,741 --> 00:49:56,618
I don't know, but..."

977
00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:58,245
[laughter, applause]

978
00:49:58,328 --> 00:49:59,454
"...it was amazing.'"

979
00:50:06,753 --> 00:50:08,255
I'm going to leave you guys with this.

980
00:50:08,338 --> 00:50:10,215
Holy shit.
What a fucking great crowd you are.

981
00:50:10,298 --> 00:50:11,425
Oh, my God, thank you!

982
00:50:11,925 --> 00:50:16,930
[applause, cheering]

983
00:50:17,014 --> 00:50:17,889
Thanks, guys.

984
00:50:21,935 --> 00:50:22,769
So...

985
00:50:22,894 --> 00:50:25,272
I still travel sometimes,
on the weekends, to do stand-up.

986
00:50:25,355 --> 00:50:26,648
I love doing this.

987
00:50:27,482 --> 00:50:31,653
But I'm torn because I also love
hanging out with my daughter.

988
00:50:31,737 --> 00:50:32,738
She's ten, she's awesome.

989
00:50:32,821 --> 00:50:36,825
I wanna have as many daddy-daughter days
as I can before she's a teenager

990
00:50:36,908 --> 00:50:38,577
and is like, "Your music sucks."

991
00:50:38,785 --> 00:50:42,122
So, I want to hang out with her.

992
00:50:42,205 --> 00:50:44,374
And I was home a few weekends ago,

993
00:50:44,458 --> 00:50:46,168
and I was like, "Hey, I'm gonna be home.

994
00:50:46,251 --> 00:50:49,254
Tomorrow, when you wake up,
it's daddy-daughter day.

995
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:50,922
You call the day.

996
00:50:51,006 --> 00:50:53,050
Anything you want, we're gonna do.

997
00:50:53,133 --> 00:50:54,134
Daddy-daughter day."

998
00:50:55,052 --> 00:50:57,179
So, next morning, she wakes up, wakes me,

999
00:50:57,262 --> 00:50:59,723
"Daddy, it's daddy-daughter day."
I go, "What do you wanna do?"

1000
00:50:59,806 --> 00:51:01,641
"Let's make breakfast."
I made her breakfast.

1001
00:51:01,725 --> 00:51:03,852
"What do you wanna do?"
"I wanna go on the trampoline."

1002
00:51:03,935 --> 00:51:04,936
We went on the trampoline.

1003
00:51:05,020 --> 00:51:07,189
"What do you wanna do now?"
"I wanna do a jigsaw puzzle."

1004
00:51:07,272 --> 00:51:08,440
We did a jigsaw puzzle.

1005
00:51:08,523 --> 00:51:10,692
"What do you wanna do now?"
"I wanna read Harry Potter".

1006
00:51:10,776 --> 00:51:12,110
We read a chapter of Harry Potter.

1007
00:51:12,194 --> 00:51:14,529
Now, it's getting to be near noon.

1008
00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:15,989
And I go, "Are you hungry?

1009
00:51:16,990 --> 00:51:19,534
Do you want some lunch?"
She goes, "Yeah, I want some lunch."

1010
00:51:19,659 --> 00:51:22,287
I said, "How about we go out to lunch?"

1011
00:51:22,370 --> 00:51:23,997
She went, "Oh, my God!"

1012
00:51:24,122 --> 00:51:25,749
I said, "Where do you wanna go?"

1013
00:51:25,832 --> 00:51:28,335
And she immediately said, "Denny's!"

1014
00:51:32,589 --> 00:51:35,425
Because Denny's
is a destination restaurant

1015
00:51:35,509 --> 00:51:36,760
when you're 10 years old.

1016
00:51:37,385 --> 00:51:38,428
Kids love Denny's.

1017
00:51:38,512 --> 00:51:40,055
Now, hang on. Stop.

1018
00:51:40,138 --> 00:51:42,933
I know a lot of you are going,
"Oh, he's gonna make fun of Denny's now

1019
00:51:43,016 --> 00:51:44,476
for ten minutes."

1020
00:51:44,559 --> 00:51:47,729
Denny's is not the problem in this bit,
all right?

1021
00:51:48,814 --> 00:51:50,357
I love Denny's.

1022
00:51:51,274 --> 00:51:52,734
Denny's knows who they are,

1023
00:51:52,818 --> 00:51:54,694
they know the space they take up
in the universe.

1024
00:51:54,778 --> 00:51:58,865
They are more self-actualized
than any of us will ever be.

1025
00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:02,035
They know what they are.

1026
00:52:04,704 --> 00:52:07,290
I am the problem in this bit.

1027
00:52:08,625 --> 00:52:11,837
'Cause I'm about to make a huge fuck-up.
See if you can catch it.

1028
00:52:13,046 --> 00:52:15,132
My daughter and I are driving to Denny's.

1029
00:52:15,215 --> 00:52:18,426
I go, "Sweetie, we'll go to Denny's,
we'll pop in, we'll grab some lunch,

1030
00:52:18,510 --> 00:52:21,429
we'll pop back out,
we'll go play basketball at Beaman Park."

1031
00:52:21,513 --> 00:52:23,348
Oh, did you catch my fuck-up?

1032
00:52:24,558 --> 00:52:25,517
You do not…

1033
00:52:25,934 --> 00:52:28,812
pop into Denny's, grab food,

1034
00:52:28,895 --> 00:52:31,690
and then pop back out
because you have someplace to be.

1035
00:52:31,898 --> 00:52:34,985
Denny's is where you end up…

1036
00:52:38,155 --> 00:52:39,781
after a series…

1037
00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:42,450
of bad decisions…

1038
00:52:44,995 --> 00:52:47,414
and catastrophic twists of fate.

1039
00:52:48,498 --> 00:52:50,083
That's why Denny's is there.

1040
00:52:50,167 --> 00:52:53,628
And the whole operating procedure
of Denny's

1041
00:52:53,795 --> 00:52:56,214
fits that event.

1042
00:52:57,465 --> 00:52:58,842
You walk into Denny's.

1043
00:52:59,467 --> 00:53:01,928
Hostess meets you. No words are exchanged.

1044
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:06,141
She takes you to your booth,

1045
00:53:06,683 --> 00:53:08,351
leaves you a glass of iced water,

1046
00:53:09,144 --> 00:53:10,729
'cause this could be day three.

1047
00:53:14,357 --> 00:53:15,525
Gotta hydrate.

1048
00:53:16,985 --> 00:53:19,487
She walks away for 20 minutes,
leaves you alone.

1049
00:53:20,530 --> 00:53:22,365
You appreciate that 20 minutes.

1050
00:53:23,074 --> 00:53:25,202
You're sitting there going, "Okay, well...

1051
00:53:25,410 --> 00:53:28,038
not being chased right now,
so let's go through this.

1052
00:53:28,747 --> 00:53:30,540
How many moves do I have left?

1053
00:53:31,208 --> 00:53:33,168
Oh, my God, how did you fuck this up?

1054
00:53:33,835 --> 00:53:35,462
Oh, my God."

1055
00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:38,381
Twenty minutes later,

1056
00:53:39,257 --> 00:53:41,593
she comes back with a cup of coffee.

1057
00:53:41,676 --> 00:53:42,802
You didn't order it.

1058
00:53:45,722 --> 00:53:46,973
She knows you need it.

1059
00:53:48,516 --> 00:53:51,394
'Cause you're hydrated.
Now, it's time to caffeinate.

1060
00:53:52,103 --> 00:53:54,022
And plan your revenge.

1061
00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:57,901
Sitting there and…

1062
00:53:58,485 --> 00:53:59,861
"Tell me I'm extraneous.

1063
00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:02,364
I'll fucking burn that whole
goddamn building down,

1064
00:54:02,447 --> 00:54:06,576
I'll show you who's fucking extraneous.
Bunch of assholes."

1065
00:54:09,371 --> 00:54:11,122
Twenty minutes later, she comes back.

1066
00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:12,707
So, now, it's been 40 minutes.

1067
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:15,543
But she comes back now with the menu.

1068
00:54:18,129 --> 00:54:19,965
And everything on the Denny's menu…

1069
00:54:20,048 --> 00:54:22,550
There's a picture of the food
next to the description.

1070
00:54:23,385 --> 00:54:26,221
That way you can order like this:

1071
00:54:26,721 --> 00:54:29,266
"Fucking people are just riding me
every goddamn...

1072
00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:30,475
That.

1073
00:54:30,850 --> 00:54:31,768
I'll fucking kill…

1074
00:54:32,269 --> 00:54:34,312
these fucking assholes...

1075
00:54:35,772 --> 00:54:37,023
Motherfuckers."

1076
00:54:40,277 --> 00:54:43,029
Meanwhile, over at my table,
I came in like an asshole.

1077
00:54:43,113 --> 00:54:46,533
"Hey, she's gonna get mac and cheese,
steamed broccoli and some apple slices.

1078
00:54:46,616 --> 00:54:49,286
I'm gonna get the Fit Slam breakfast
and a cup of decaf, thanks."

1079
00:54:49,869 --> 00:54:51,579
And the waitress looked at me, like,

1080
00:54:51,705 --> 00:54:55,333
"I don't know what is going on here,
I don't know if you know where you are.

1081
00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:57,544
Maybe this is, like,
a weird custody thing going on

1082
00:54:57,627 --> 00:55:00,588
and you're... you're trying to get
to the state line or something.

1083
00:55:00,672 --> 00:55:03,800
Maybe you better sit,
have your iced water, think it through.

1084
00:55:05,135 --> 00:55:06,261
You'll appreciate it later.

1085
00:55:06,344 --> 00:55:09,597
Everyone we've ever served quickly
goes down in a hail of bullets.

1086
00:55:09,681 --> 00:55:10,557
Just take time,

1087
00:55:11,266 --> 00:55:13,476
think this shit through, all right?

1088
00:55:14,269 --> 00:55:16,771
Sit, have your water, have your coffee."

1089
00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:23,153
So, I'm sitting there for 20 minutes
with my water,

1090
00:55:23,236 --> 00:55:24,571
my daughter's happy as a clam.

1091
00:55:24,654 --> 00:55:25,989
She has the kids menu.

1092
00:55:26,656 --> 00:55:28,533
There's word finds and mazes on it.

1093
00:55:30,201 --> 00:55:32,912
She's having a lot of fun.
And I had time to look at the kids menu

1094
00:55:32,996 --> 00:55:35,498
and see that... even the kids menu

1095
00:55:35,915 --> 00:55:38,835
is all about preparing kids

1096
00:55:39,169 --> 00:55:42,047
for that desperate 3:00 a.m.,

1097
00:55:42,464 --> 00:55:44,257
no-sleep-for-a-week

1098
00:55:44,341 --> 00:55:47,052
Nick Cave-murder-song life…

1099
00:55:47,677 --> 00:55:49,637
that we're all heading for.

1100
00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:54,225
Because they have
these four little kiddie characters.

1101
00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:56,770
They're called the Grand Slams.

1102
00:55:56,853 --> 00:56:00,023
These are real characters
that Denny's has on their kids menu.

1103
00:56:00,357 --> 00:56:02,442
Little anthropomorphic breakfast foods.

1104
00:56:02,609 --> 00:56:03,651
There's a fried egg,

1105
00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:06,112
there's a pancake,
there's a strip of bacon,

1106
00:56:06,237 --> 00:56:07,864
and there's a sausage link.

1107
00:56:09,407 --> 00:56:12,410
The fried egg,
and I'm not making any kind of judgment...

1108
00:56:13,703 --> 00:56:15,330
is a prostitute. Sorry.

1109
00:56:15,497 --> 00:56:16,831
She's a prostitute.

1110
00:56:17,082 --> 00:56:19,209
She has way too much eye makeup on,

1111
00:56:19,584 --> 00:56:22,337
her mouth is this kind of brave,
broken little smile.

1112
00:56:22,629 --> 00:56:25,799
Like, "I'm just-- I'm out here.
I'm trying, goddamnit.

1113
00:56:25,882 --> 00:56:27,842
Okay? I didn't ask for this.

1114
00:56:28,259 --> 00:56:29,886
I was a golden yolk,

1115
00:56:30,053 --> 00:56:32,597
and they dropped me
into the skillet of life.

1116
00:56:33,098 --> 00:56:34,391
And you know what?

1117
00:56:34,474 --> 00:56:37,519
I'm proud of what I am,
and I'm doing my best, okay?

1118
00:56:37,936 --> 00:56:39,187
Don't goddamn judge me."

1119
00:56:39,270 --> 00:56:40,146
And I, again--

1120
00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:43,691
I had 40 minutes with these characters.
I worked out back stories, and…

1121
00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:46,111
relationships for all of them.

1122
00:56:47,237 --> 00:56:48,738
The fried egg is a prostitute.

1123
00:56:50,323 --> 00:56:53,618
The pancake is her son, and…

1124
00:56:55,161 --> 00:56:57,038
I'm not going to put a name to it.

1125
00:56:57,956 --> 00:57:00,250
But something's wrong
with the pancake, all right?

1126
00:57:00,834 --> 00:57:04,003
I'm not gonna say what it is,
but his eyes are a little close together.

1127
00:57:04,087 --> 00:57:05,922
Go look at him.
His eyes are close together,

1128
00:57:06,172 --> 00:57:08,133
his smile is way too big,

1129
00:57:08,216 --> 00:57:12,679
like he's just not aware
of a lot of the horror around him.

1130
00:57:13,054 --> 00:57:13,930
You know what?

1131
00:57:14,222 --> 00:57:15,265
How do I put this?

1132
00:57:15,348 --> 00:57:16,266
Um...

1133
00:57:16,349 --> 00:57:19,060
God gave him a curse and a gift.

1134
00:57:19,144 --> 00:57:20,520
Does that make sense?

1135
00:57:20,603 --> 00:57:22,230
All right. So...

1136
00:57:25,358 --> 00:57:26,317
So, that's her son.

1137
00:57:26,526 --> 00:57:28,570
She's doing what she can to raise him.

1138
00:57:28,653 --> 00:57:29,737
All right?

1139
00:57:30,738 --> 00:57:33,575
The bacon is the pancake's dad.

1140
00:57:34,742 --> 00:57:37,871
He's not married to the fried egg.
He doesn't hate her.

1141
00:57:38,163 --> 00:57:39,247
They're just not married.

1142
00:57:39,330 --> 00:57:43,251
And the economy, it's all post-capitalism.
Everything's collapsing.

1143
00:57:43,585 --> 00:57:45,879
He has to go wherever the work is.

1144
00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:48,506
So, he's like, "I got a job
on an oil rig for eight months.

1145
00:57:48,631 --> 00:57:51,092
It's high-risk pay.
I'll send back whatever I can.

1146
00:57:51,176 --> 00:57:53,887
They're gonna take a big chunk
out of my room and board,

1147
00:57:53,970 --> 00:57:57,265
You know, but just do what you can
while I'm gone to raise the kid.

1148
00:57:57,348 --> 00:57:58,266
Okay? Do what you can."

1149
00:57:58,349 --> 00:58:00,393
When he says that to her,
"Do what you can,"

1150
00:58:00,477 --> 00:58:01,728
he knows she's hooking.

1151
00:58:02,562 --> 00:58:03,396
All right?

1152
00:58:03,521 --> 00:58:05,565
And he's not judging her, okay?

1153
00:58:05,648 --> 00:58:07,650
They're all struggling.

1154
00:58:07,984 --> 00:58:09,611
He's out in the North Atlantic…

1155
00:58:10,236 --> 00:58:12,906
getting the last of the crude oil
out of the earth.

1156
00:58:13,364 --> 00:58:15,283
It's all-- It's all gonna collapse.

1157
00:58:15,366 --> 00:58:18,369
But, goddamnit,
he's gonna try to help that pancake.

1158
00:58:25,168 --> 00:58:26,294
And the sausage…

1159
00:58:26,961 --> 00:58:29,297
is the fried egg's regular customer, okay?

1160
00:58:29,380 --> 00:58:30,215
They-- He...

1161
00:58:30,840 --> 00:58:31,674
He...

1162
00:58:32,217 --> 00:58:33,301
and the-- Look…

1163
00:58:34,177 --> 00:58:37,096
he and the strip of bacon
served together in Desert Storm,

1164
00:58:37,180 --> 00:58:38,348
and they're kinda...

1165
00:58:39,140 --> 00:58:40,725
It's sort of-- And he's in the--

1166
00:58:40,808 --> 00:58:41,684
Look...

1167
00:58:42,644 --> 00:58:44,812
He's in a shitty marriage, okay?
He's not...

1168
00:58:45,313 --> 00:58:49,108
He married some hash browns.
They're not part of the Grand Slams.

1169
00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:52,612
She didn't wanna be a part of it.
She's got a lot of problems.

1170
00:58:53,196 --> 00:58:56,449
And you look at him, like--
He's very sweaty and, like, "Hey."

1171
00:58:56,533 --> 00:58:57,534
You know what I mean?

1172
00:58:57,784 --> 00:59:00,286
He always looks like he's kinda going,
"Come on.

1173
00:59:01,204 --> 00:59:03,414
My wife is at her Zumba class
for the next hour.

1174
00:59:03,498 --> 00:59:05,708
We have an hour.
Can I come by for, like, an hour and…"

1175
00:59:07,126 --> 00:59:09,087
And then
she's gotta tell the pancake, like,

1176
00:59:09,170 --> 00:59:12,423
"Hey, Mommy's friend's
gonna come over, and, uh...

1177
00:59:12,966 --> 00:59:15,760
why don't you go... go play
with your PAW Patrol toys for a while.

1178
00:59:15,843 --> 00:59:16,761
Can you do that?

1179
00:59:17,011 --> 00:59:19,347
Can you play with your PAW--
Oh, go work on your spelling.

1180
00:59:19,722 --> 00:59:21,599
Go do a couple
of your spelling sheets, okay?

1181
00:59:21,683 --> 00:59:23,518
Mommy's gonna be with her friend

1182
00:59:23,726 --> 00:59:26,062
and then, afterward,
how about we'll go get some ice cream?

1183
00:59:26,145 --> 00:59:28,231
Okay? I'll have money
to get some ice cream.

1184
00:59:28,314 --> 00:59:29,190
You wanna go do that?

1185
00:59:29,274 --> 00:59:30,400
But you gotta go--

1186
00:59:30,483 --> 00:59:32,777
You gotta play with your PAW Patrol toys,
do your spelling.

1187
00:59:32,860 --> 00:59:33,861
Go work on your spelling,

1188
00:59:33,945 --> 00:59:35,905
and don't bother Mommy
for the next hour, okay?

1189
00:59:36,489 --> 00:59:38,491
Okay? Go work on your spelling.

1190
00:59:39,242 --> 00:59:40,243
Go do your spelling.

1191
00:59:41,119 --> 00:59:41,953
Okay."

1192
00:59:44,289 --> 00:59:47,542
The pancake is 32 years old, by the way.
I don't know if I mentioned that.

1193
00:59:48,126 --> 00:59:49,919
It's-- Look, there's a lot-- They're--

1194
00:59:50,336 --> 00:59:52,589
She's doing her best, god damn it!

1195
01:00:02,098 --> 01:00:04,934
Denny's has to put the calorie amounts
on all their food.

1196
01:00:05,852 --> 01:00:06,978
And God bless Denny's.

1197
01:00:07,061 --> 01:00:08,980
They're like, 
"I don't think you wanna hear this,

1198
01:00:09,063 --> 01:00:10,440
but we'll tell you. I'm not gonna…

1199
01:00:11,482 --> 01:00:14,110
I got nothing to hide,
but do you wanna hear-- You gonna…

1200
01:00:14,235 --> 01:00:16,112
You're not gonna leave
this alone, huh? Okay.

1201
01:00:17,196 --> 01:00:20,533
Ready? Healthy grain pancakes,
1,200 calories. That's right.

1202
01:00:21,534 --> 01:00:24,287
Day and a half worth of calories
on one plate. I dunno what to tell you.

1203
01:00:25,079 --> 01:00:27,290
Yes, that's before syrup and butter."

1204
01:00:30,001 --> 01:00:32,920
The Denny's menu
is the caloric equivalent of going,

1205
01:00:33,212 --> 01:00:34,964
"Fine, I fucked your brother, okay?

1206
01:00:35,048 --> 01:00:36,633
Is that what you want to hear?

1207
01:00:37,008 --> 01:00:38,301
I fucked your brother.

1208
01:00:38,885 --> 01:00:39,719
There.

1209
01:00:39,802 --> 01:00:43,014
Did everyone hear that?
I fucked his brother.

1210
01:00:43,222 --> 01:00:44,057
All right?

1211
01:00:44,474 --> 01:00:46,392
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody."

1212
01:00:47,560 --> 01:00:52,315
[laughter, applause]

1213
01:00:59,113 --> 01:01:01,282
And, on the kids menu,

1214
01:01:01,366 --> 01:01:02,200
the mac and cheese--

1215
01:01:02,283 --> 01:01:04,410
You know what the picture
for the mac and cheese is?

1216
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:07,080
A box of Kraft macaroni and cheese!

1217
01:01:07,747 --> 01:01:09,165
They're not even hiding it.

1218
01:01:09,707 --> 01:01:10,625
"Yeah, we'll go make--

1219
01:01:10,708 --> 01:01:13,044
We'll open a box of Kraft mac and cheese
for you and make it.

1220
01:01:13,961 --> 01:01:17,048
Yeah, it's 89 cents if you made it
at home, four bucks here. There you go.

1221
01:01:18,800 --> 01:01:20,510
And we'll charge you four dollars.

1222
01:01:20,718 --> 01:01:22,303
Eighty-nine cents if you had it at home.

1223
01:01:22,387 --> 01:01:24,138
But you probably can't go home, can you?

1224
01:01:24,222 --> 01:01:25,556
Mmm, no.

1225
01:01:26,683 --> 01:01:27,517
Probably can't.

1226
01:01:28,267 --> 01:01:30,228
There's people there
waiting to talk to you, right?

1227
01:01:31,312 --> 01:01:33,731
A lot of shit missing
around the office? Okay.

1228
01:01:34,607 --> 01:01:36,818
How about you have some carbs
and get your story straight?

1229
01:01:36,901 --> 01:01:38,695
You'll... You'll thank us later."

1230
01:01:43,032 --> 01:01:44,867
They brought my cup of decaf out.

1231
01:01:45,910 --> 01:01:48,287
On the cup, Denny's logo…

1232
01:01:48,830 --> 01:01:50,123
and the Denny's slogan.

1233
01:01:50,665 --> 01:01:51,874
And the slogan was...

1234
01:01:52,917 --> 01:01:55,962
"It's always sunny at Denny's."

1235
01:01:56,921 --> 01:01:57,964
Period.

1236
01:02:00,675 --> 01:02:02,468
Not exclamation point.

1237
01:02:05,888 --> 01:02:09,142
Not "It's always sunny at Denny's!"

1238
01:02:09,892 --> 01:02:11,561
Nope, that's the wrong read.

1239
01:02:11,644 --> 01:02:14,564
You're not going to get the part.
Look at the script again.

1240
01:02:17,400 --> 01:02:18,651
This is the right read.

1241
01:02:22,071 --> 01:02:23,614
[flatly] It's always sunny at Denny's.

1242
01:02:23,698 --> 01:02:28,369
[laughter, applause]

1243
01:02:36,085 --> 01:02:37,962
I wanna do a commercial for Denny's...

1244
01:02:38,963 --> 01:02:40,423
so badly. I wanna...

1245
01:02:40,965 --> 01:02:42,800
I wanna direct it, I wanna star in it.

1246
01:02:42,884 --> 01:02:44,802
I have the perfect commercial.

1247
01:02:44,886 --> 01:02:47,346
It will land
with their demographic so hard.

1248
01:02:48,139 --> 01:02:50,600
Thirty-second commercial, all right?

1249
01:02:51,267 --> 01:02:52,477
I'm sitting in a booth,

1250
01:02:53,227 --> 01:02:54,145
got my coffee cup,

1251
01:02:55,062 --> 01:02:56,230
staring out the window.

1252
01:02:56,689 --> 01:02:57,690
Right? It's raining.

1253
01:02:58,566 --> 01:03:00,026
And from the light coming in,

1254
01:03:00,818 --> 01:03:01,944
it's either dawn…

1255
01:03:02,820 --> 01:03:03,780
or dusk.

1256
01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:05,865
[laughter]

1257
01:03:06,324 --> 01:03:07,825
I've either been up all night,

1258
01:03:08,576 --> 01:03:10,244
or I'm about to be up all night.

1259
01:03:14,791 --> 01:03:16,042
Thirty-second commercial.

1260
01:03:16,459 --> 01:03:18,002
First 28 seconds,

1261
01:03:18,544 --> 01:03:19,879
I don't say anything.

1262
01:03:21,255 --> 01:03:22,590
I just stare out the window.

1263
01:03:29,931 --> 01:03:31,933
[laughter]

1264
01:03:32,016 --> 01:03:36,938
[scattered applause]

1265
01:03:54,580 --> 01:03:56,165
Then, in the last two seconds,

1266
01:03:57,416 --> 01:03:59,877
I bring my cup up,
and you can barely hear me say,

1267
01:04:01,212 --> 01:04:03,172
[quietly] "It's always sunny at Denny's."

1268
01:04:03,256 --> 01:04:04,841
[laughing, cheering]

1269
01:04:05,508 --> 01:04:06,759
Thank you, Charlotte!

1270
01:04:08,052 --> 01:04:09,428
Thank you so much!

1271
01:04:10,221 --> 01:04:11,305
Oh, my God!

1272
01:04:11,931 --> 01:04:13,349
Thank you, guys.

1273
01:04:14,183 --> 01:04:15,601
Thank you. Thank you.

1274
01:04:15,685 --> 01:04:18,229
And thank you so much, all of you.

1275
01:04:18,980 --> 01:04:19,814
Good night!

1276
01:04:27,321 --> 01:04:29,323
[jaunty piano music plays]

1277
01:04:56,893 --> 01:04:58,477
Thank you so much for watching.

1278
01:04:58,561 --> 01:04:59,770
And, as a little bonus,

1279
01:04:59,854 --> 01:05:02,523
my friend, Bob Rubin,
huge influence on me,

1280
01:05:02,648 --> 01:05:04,901
huge influence
on a lot of comedians you love,

1281
01:05:05,067 --> 01:05:07,153
has shot a special,
and I've added it to mine.

1282
01:05:07,236 --> 01:05:10,698
So, if you just stay where you are,
his special is about to start.

1283
01:05:10,823 --> 01:05:13,242
He is a genius.

1284
01:05:13,326 --> 01:05:14,410
He's crazy.

1285
01:05:14,493 --> 01:05:16,287
Watch the first five minutes
of his special.

1286
01:05:16,370 --> 01:05:18,623
I guarantee, you are going to be hooked.

1287
01:05:18,706 --> 01:05:20,791
Bob Rubin. It's starting in a second.

1288
01:05:20,917 --> 01:05:22,168
Thank you, guys, so much.

1289
01:05:22,251 --> 01:05:23,544
And thank you, Charlotte!

1290
01:05:23,628 --> 01:05:28,090
[applause, cheering]

1291
01:05:28,174 --> 01:05:30,176
[jaunty piano music continues]