1 00:00:00,696 --> 00:00:02,437 [microphone droans] 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:11,315 [music playing] 5 00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:41,302 [crowd cheering, applauding] 6 00:01:04,846 --> 00:01:07,023 Thank you for coming out. [laughs] 7 00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:10,635 Great time. 8 00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:14,944 Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. 9 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:18,643 And thank you, you the viewer, 10 00:01:18,774 --> 00:01:22,646 who's probably doing something else right now. 11 00:01:22,777 --> 00:01:25,607 You get your laundry done. Whatever you need to do. 12 00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:31,091 You guys! Thank you so much. 13 00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:34,398 Thank you so much for coming out. 14 00:01:34,529 --> 00:01:36,487 Uh, I understand, 15 00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:39,795 I know we're here in Los Angeles. 16 00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:43,364 Also, at home, I know we're all artists. 17 00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:44,582 We all have a gift. 18 00:01:44,713 --> 00:01:46,670 If, at any point during my program, 19 00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:49,979 you feel disgusted. You think to yourself, 20 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:54,418 "Why isn't comedy better than I remembered?" 21 00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:56,377 [high voice] "Why isn't that particular premise 22 00:01:56,507 --> 00:01:58,901 less ill-conceived?" 23 00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:01,425 [higher voice] "Why-- why isn't this experience 24 00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:04,211 exactly what I had wanted?" 25 00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:08,084 [normal voice] Please let that rage trampoline you 26 00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:10,173 into working on your own stuff. 27 00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:13,263 [cheers, applause] 28 00:02:22,316 --> 00:02:25,797 Harness the power of an enormous letdown. 29 00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:27,712 Uh... 30 00:02:27,843 --> 00:02:33,414 and I ask you, why does everything have to be so good? 31 00:02:33,543 --> 00:02:36,504 There's a lot of talking in society about, 32 00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:40,072 "That's amazing." [low voice] "That's genius." 33 00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:41,813 [strong voice] "He's a pig of productivity." 34 00:02:41,944 --> 00:02:43,772 [soft voice] "She's a kaleidoscope of can-do." 35 00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:47,863 [normal voice] Yes, there are certain people in society 36 00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:49,517 who have a tremendous amount of talent. 37 00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:52,868 You combine that with an unbelievable work ethic, 38 00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:55,871 it is greatness. 39 00:03:00,963 --> 00:03:03,444 Is that really that interesting? 40 00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:06,055 Haven't we seen it before? 41 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:10,625 Einstein, Beyoncé, the Muppets, Japan. 42 00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:19,938 I adore a two-star experience. 43 00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:22,071 There is a deli down the street from our house. 44 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,204 I believe it is called the Super Crap 45 00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,771 Shitty-Ass Liquor Store. 46 00:03:26,902 --> 00:03:30,253 It is dusty, dark-- 47 00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:34,388 Diet Coke, hot. Milk, sour. 48 00:03:34,518 --> 00:03:38,000 You open up a Milky Way, it blooms. 49 00:03:38,130 --> 00:03:41,569 They are invariably unfriendly, 50 00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:44,267 and they're only sometimes open. 51 00:03:44,398 --> 00:03:49,141 And it is that kind of integrity of mediocrity over time 52 00:03:49,272 --> 00:03:51,143 that deserves celebration. 53 00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:55,278 The energy that it takes to not improve... 54 00:04:03,982 --> 00:04:06,246 And, as a small business owner, I relate. 55 00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:09,423 Many times a day on my Yelp page, 56 00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:11,207 I get customer comments. 57 00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:12,817 [low voice] "Stop, witch!" 58 00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:17,430 [valley girl voice] "Why don't you kill yourself?" 59 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:18,954 [normal voice] Ooh, great minds think alike. 60 00:04:19,084 --> 00:04:22,218 Thumbs up. 61 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,873 Follow and then mute. 62 00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:29,051 And yet-- and yet, 63 00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:32,183 despite that ongoing negative commentary, 64 00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:34,839 I persist at half steam... 65 00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:42,282 generating up to eleven new minutes 66 00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:44,022 of material per decade. 67 00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:53,641 And, uh, things aren't so good in general. 68 00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:59,255 Uh, I don't know if you've... noticed. 69 00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,649 We cannot, of course, physically harm 70 00:05:01,779 --> 00:05:03,303 the President of the United States. 71 00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:10,005 But it is not illegal to lead him into a bramble, 72 00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:16,011 some uneven pavement, rocky terrain. 73 00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:18,579 Let your deteriorating roads, 74 00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,885 bridges, and public schools work for us. 75 00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:26,848 Oh, well... 76 00:05:26,978 --> 00:05:30,939 there's-- "Hey, get in here." 77 00:05:31,069 --> 00:05:33,594 Uh, many times, in comedians' acts, 78 00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:36,379 you'll hear legitimate domestic and foreign policy. 79 00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:40,165 I heard a comic, 1999, Mr. Isaac Witty 80 00:05:40,296 --> 00:05:44,648 suggests at a Go Bananas in Cincinnati, Ohio, 81 00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:46,433 [imitates male voice] "You know, why don't we send 82 00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:48,609 a high school marching band into Afghanistan?" 83 00:05:48,739 --> 00:05:50,654 [normal voice] Confusing, inexpensive, 84 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,352 quite possible hilarious. 85 00:05:55,832 --> 00:05:58,662 I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship 86 00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:00,229 with our government. 87 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,406 I thought, "Why not file a restraining order 88 00:06:03,537 --> 00:06:06,627 against the President of the United States?" 89 00:06:06,757 --> 00:06:08,368 [cheers] 90 00:06:08,498 --> 00:06:12,197 I did it! 91 00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:14,722 I printed out all the evidence, 92 00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:17,159 went down to the courthouse, saw a judge. 93 00:06:17,289 --> 00:06:19,074 Within a half hour, he denied me. 94 00:06:19,204 --> 00:06:21,946 Ultimately, a useless gesture 95 00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:24,427 that didn't further the conversation in any way, 96 00:06:24,558 --> 00:06:27,256 and wasted the time of caring professionals. 97 00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:33,784 But I would recommend that 98 00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,177 if you're gonna do anything political, 99 00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:37,962 to live-tweet it. 100 00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:42,750 Because it got me in contact with so many people 101 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,707 I didn't think I had anything in common with. 102 00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:48,103 Turns out I have a few opinions in common with the far right. 103 00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:49,539 [low voice] "You're a fucking idiot." 104 00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:52,977 [normal voice] I know! 105 00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:55,415 I went to a third-tier state school. 106 00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:06,600 [high voice] "You crazy cunt." 107 00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:09,864 [normal voice] Now, that's just accurate. 108 00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:11,169 [low voice] "You're just an unknown comedian 109 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,519 doing this for attention." 110 00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:14,085 [normal voice] Of course. 111 00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:19,351 Oh, that's-- oh, yes. Oh, yes. 112 00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:21,571 Oh, yes, I love attention. 113 00:07:21,702 --> 00:07:25,749 Ooh, ooh. Ever since I was three years old, 114 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,925 my parents, they forced me to play a musical instrument, 115 00:07:28,056 --> 00:07:30,058 the violin, at the age of the three. 116 00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:32,582 Could not wait to get that thing out of the way 117 00:07:32,713 --> 00:07:36,238 'cause it was cockblocking the sale. 118 00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:38,980 Uh, I'm not politically articulate, 119 00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:42,200 but we do have a 20-year-old pug named Betty. 120 00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:44,246 And she's blind and deaf, 121 00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,248 so she can no longer find the doggy door, 122 00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:48,337 so if we leave her for any amount of time, 123 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,296 when we come home, she will be wedged 124 00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:54,517 in between the stove and a kitchen cabinet, 125 00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:57,738 covered in her own fecal matter, crying. 126 00:07:57,868 --> 00:08:02,351 [howls mournfully] 127 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,657 That's it, that's where I'm at. 128 00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:10,098 Hopeless... 129 00:08:10,228 --> 00:08:11,795 looking for leadership... 130 00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:18,628 and I wouldn't turn down a biscuit. 131 00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:24,329 And I don't know why I'm being so critical. 132 00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:27,071 Uh, I'm not the greatest. I have a bit of a tremor 133 00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:29,334 that's distracting in a performer. 134 00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:31,293 [high voice] "Why don't you take a medication 135 00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:33,991 to offset the hundreds of medications you're already on 136 00:08:34,121 --> 00:08:36,690 so that I feel more comfortable?" 137 00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:39,866 [normal voice] To which I'd like to say, 138 00:08:39,996 --> 00:08:43,784 "Weakness is the brand." 139 00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:49,529 Aw, yeah. 140 00:08:49,659 --> 00:08:52,836 I don't want to quash this cash cow. 141 00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:55,273 Uh, I may be mental, 142 00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,362 but I'm also a millionaire. 143 00:09:05,283 --> 00:09:08,112 I, uh-- I have done very well with mental health shtick, 144 00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,550 and I was-- 145 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,682 but I've been feeling so good the past several years, 146 00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:14,858 um, I don't have any new material about it. 147 00:09:14,989 --> 00:09:17,382 And I thought, "Uh-oh, maybe I should worry about that." 148 00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:19,863 Uh... 149 00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:23,301 but then I remembered that I'm on anti-psychotics, 150 00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:27,001 and it is no longer possible for me to worry. 151 00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:30,482 I do have this joke, though. 152 00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:33,660 I was at the funeral for a comedian who died of suicide. 153 00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,270 Wait for it! 154 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,707 And, uh-- awful. 155 00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:40,101 I've had many friends and family, sadly, die of suicide, 156 00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:43,147 and one thing that always bothers me, though, 157 00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:45,540 is that, when there's an obituary 158 00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:47,325 for someone who's died of it, 159 00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:49,850 there's always the number for the suicide hotline. 160 00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:51,199 And I know that's helpful. 161 00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:52,809 I know it is. I know it saves lives. 162 00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:55,986 It's helped me. I've called it myself. 163 00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:59,120 But as a person who's trying to kill themselves, 164 00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:02,036 it always feels a little condescending. 165 00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:05,735 Like, "I know what the fucking number is. 166 00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:12,829 I'm depressed, I'm not a moron." 167 00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,228 Just seems like, you know, 168 00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:22,491 having an obituary for someone who died of drowning 169 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,624 and then there's an ad for a raft. 170 00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:26,147 You know? 171 00:10:26,277 --> 00:10:28,584 "Yeah, that would've been great." 172 00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:35,896 So, after the funeral, I overheard a few people talking. 173 00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:37,462 [low voice] "It's just the single most 174 00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,203 selfish thing he could've done." 175 00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:41,292 [high voice] "I know, he has two kids, 176 00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:43,294 and his wife, she's gorgeous." 177 00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:47,124 [normal voice] "Uh, hey, you know what 178 00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:49,170 I think the single most selfish thing you could do. 179 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:51,651 I think blaming someone for their own death 180 00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:53,261 at their funeral? 181 00:10:53,391 --> 00:10:57,613 That is truly the single most selfish-- 182 00:10:57,744 --> 00:11:00,660 hold on, hold on, hold on. No, no, no, no. 183 00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:03,271 Writing down the premise for this joke. 184 00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:07,928 Yeah, that is truly the single 185 00:11:08,058 --> 00:11:09,756 most selfish thing you could do. 186 00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:12,019 Yeah, two-- two kids? 187 00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:15,283 And don't forget to mention 188 00:11:15,413 --> 00:11:19,156 how pretty his wife is." 189 00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:22,986 Let us never forget how attractive all of us are. 190 00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,861 Especially now. 191 00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:37,697 I'm a very good-looking beast. 192 00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:40,525 Uh... 193 00:11:40,656 --> 00:11:42,179 uh... 194 00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:48,882 I have, uh, silky dark fur that covers my body. 195 00:11:49,012 --> 00:11:50,492 You can see it here. 196 00:11:50,622 --> 00:11:53,321 This is false. 197 00:11:53,451 --> 00:11:55,192 That doesn't mean I don't put in the effort 198 00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:56,193 to seduce my husband. 199 00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:57,586 We both work from home, 200 00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,196 but at least three times a day-- 201 00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:01,155 I'm busy, so I keep on my top, 202 00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:02,722 so my shoes and socksies. 203 00:12:02,852 --> 00:12:05,855 But I will pull down my pants and my underwear 204 00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:09,163 all the way to the bottom 205 00:12:09,293 --> 00:12:11,556 and make my way over. 206 00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:21,131 Say, "Hey. 207 00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:27,398 I'm just sittin' over here. 208 00:12:27,529 --> 00:12:31,489 I love you, you love me. 209 00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:36,364 What that means for us both is, I'm down for whatevs. 210 00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:38,540 Uh, haha, don't tickle me! 211 00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:41,151 Don't you come over here right now and tickle me." 212 00:12:41,282 --> 00:12:46,766 [laughs] 213 00:12:52,032 --> 00:12:54,164 We have sex in one way very well. 214 00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:56,384 The second way involves a purple buzzer. 215 00:12:56,514 --> 00:12:58,168 It's not always charged. 216 00:12:58,299 --> 00:12:59,953 Let's not play the blame game. 217 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:06,916 Uh, I was trying to write some fantasies, 218 00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:08,875 and in order to live-action role play something, 219 00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:12,182 you really need to know so much about a genre. 220 00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:16,534 And the only thing I know a little bit about 221 00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:17,622 from a very limited point of view 222 00:13:17,753 --> 00:13:19,973 is intractable social issues. 223 00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:25,674 So our first sexy scene was gentrification. 224 00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:32,072 [high voice] "My name is Jen. I just moved here. 225 00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:38,861 It's so cheap, and I can use my high school Spanish." 226 00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:40,863 [low voice] "My name is Art. I'm an artist. 227 00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:43,039 I've lived here for 30 years, and it's hipsters like you 228 00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:45,302 who have committed cultural genocide." 229 00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:47,914 [high voice] "Aren't you the first sign of gentrification, 230 00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:50,220 that you transform industrial abandoned spaces 231 00:13:50,351 --> 00:13:53,354 into galleries, thus making it more attractive to developers?" 232 00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:55,182 [huffs] 233 00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,184 [high-voiced huff] 234 00:13:57,314 --> 00:13:59,055 [low voice] "And you ash your hand-rolled cigarette..." 235 00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:01,014 [high voice] "...into my succulent! 236 00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,802 Oh, what, are you moving out? 237 00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,761 Has this neighborhood become too cool for you?" 238 00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,894 [ low voice ] "No, I've been evicted. 239 00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:15,506 I can no longer afford to live in the city that I love." 240 00:14:15,637 --> 00:14:16,899 [ high voice ] "Oh, my God, 241 00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:19,336 it's happening to someone I know. 242 00:14:23,645 --> 00:14:25,125 Maybe you should move in with me 243 00:14:25,255 --> 00:14:27,692 because that's the answer to affordable housing, 244 00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:29,346 not NIMBY, Not In My Back Yard, 245 00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:33,611 but YIMBY, Yes, In My Back Yard. 246 00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:35,135 Ooh. 247 00:14:35,265 --> 00:14:38,051 If you lived here, you'd be home by now." 248 00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:41,402 [indistinct] 249 00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:47,756 [normal voice] My husband, Scott, 250 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:52,239 he doesn't like to act, so I do most of it. 251 00:14:55,242 --> 00:15:01,161 Second sexy scene. Living wage. 252 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:03,337 [low midwest voice] "I'm the owner of a Midwest 253 00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:04,947 McDonald's franchise. 254 00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:07,863 Boy, you're lucky I hired a loser like you." 255 00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:09,865 [high midwest voice] "Well, you're lucky you got me, 256 00:15:09,996 --> 00:15:11,998 'cause, see, I just got out of treatment for opioid addiction 257 00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:13,347 and I'm gonna work 80 hours a week 258 00:15:13,477 --> 00:15:15,653 to support myself and my four kids." 259 00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:17,003 [low midwest voice] "Maybe you shoulda thought about 260 00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,656 having kids before becoming an addict." 261 00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:20,136 [high midwest voice] "Well, maybe I would have, 262 00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:21,833 had I had a-- access to preventative healthcare 263 00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,792 and family planning!" 264 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,881 [low grumble] 265 00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:28,188 [high grumble] 266 00:15:28,318 --> 00:15:29,885 [high midwest voice] "I'm putting out a tip jar." 267 00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,366 [low midwest voice] "No handouts. 268 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:44,769 Listen, you've been doing such a nice job for me 269 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:47,381 the past couple years, 270 00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:52,952 just puttin' all that meat in buns. 271 00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:57,478 I thought I'd like to give you an eleven-cent raise." 272 00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:58,914 [high midwest accent] "Oh, then we can get 273 00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:00,960 an oil change on the house." 274 00:16:04,876 --> 00:16:06,487 [low midwest accent] "But then I see you 275 00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,968 pouring a four-and-a-half-foot vanilla cone. 276 00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:11,840 You're stealing from me. You're fired." 277 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,450 [high midwest accent] "That was gonna be my supper." 278 00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:14,974 [low midwest accent] "You mean to tell me you work 279 00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:17,193 in a restaurant but you're food insecure?" 280 00:16:17,324 --> 00:16:21,284 [high midwest accent] "No shit, Shake Shack!" 281 00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:24,331 [low midwest accent] "I need to restructure my business, 282 00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:27,334 creating a profit-sharing entity, 283 00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:31,033 thus destroying all hierarchy." 284 00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:34,732 [high midwest accent] "So we could date. 285 00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:37,039 Then maybe I could teach you 286 00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:39,259 a mutually satisfying application 287 00:16:39,389 --> 00:16:42,697 of open book accounting." 288 00:16:42,827 --> 00:16:46,266 [trills] 289 00:16:51,619 --> 00:16:54,361 [normal voice] Scott's been working-- he's been writing. 290 00:16:54,491 --> 00:16:56,711 [imitating Scott] "Okay, uh, all right. 291 00:16:56,841 --> 00:16:58,582 We're in a massage parlor. 292 00:16:58,713 --> 00:17:01,498 Oh, right. Human trafficking. 293 00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:06,199 Uh, I think it's legit. I know it's in a strip mall, 294 00:17:06,329 --> 00:17:09,115 but there's water in the fountains, orchids are real. 295 00:17:09,244 --> 00:17:12,248 You seem happy. You lead me into a room, 296 00:17:12,378 --> 00:17:13,902 and you just start working on my back. 297 00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:15,425 You can go hard. Use your elbows." 298 00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:18,472 [normal voice] "Okay." 299 00:17:18,602 --> 00:17:20,778 [imitating Scott] "Aw, babe, that's good." 300 00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:22,867 [normal voice] "Okay." 301 00:17:22,998 --> 00:17:25,044 [imitating Scott] "And then, I-- 302 00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:29,787 yeah, I have some curiosity about your situation." 303 00:17:29,918 --> 00:17:31,746 [normal voice] "That's awesome." 304 00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:33,226 [imitating Scott] "Yeah, I'm like, 'Oh my God, 305 00:17:33,356 --> 00:17:36,490 this is modern day slavery.' And then... 306 00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:39,058 Twenty-five bucks for a massage? That's insane. 307 00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:45,368 Oh, God, babe, that's awesome." 308 00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:54,464 [normal voice] "And-- and then what happens?" 309 00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:55,552 [imitating Scott] "Wouldn't you keep going 310 00:17:55,683 --> 00:17:57,250 for at least a half hour? 311 00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:04,431 Okay, yeah, no, you're right. 312 00:18:04,561 --> 00:18:06,868 Okay, uh, I go to your country's embassy, 313 00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:09,305 and we find out you're a princess?" 314 00:18:13,831 --> 00:18:16,791 [normal voice] Now that's what I call a happy ending. 315 00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:18,488 All right. 316 00:18:18,619 --> 00:18:22,013 -[applause] -Oh, uh... 317 00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:24,973 my husband and I, he's-- 318 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,410 his longest relationship was three years. 319 00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:28,498 My longest was one year. 320 00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:31,719 We just made it six whole years! 321 00:18:31,849 --> 00:18:33,590 -[cheers, applause] -Thank you so much. 322 00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:35,244 Thank you, we need your support. 323 00:18:36,506 --> 00:18:37,899 And we need it now. 324 00:18:40,293 --> 00:18:42,164 We don't know what we're doing. 325 00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:44,079 My parents have been married over 50 years. 326 00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:46,125 They gave us this way of fighting. 327 00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:48,823 Uh, it's called sharing and caring. 328 00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:50,477 [imitating mother] You do it once a week. 329 00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:52,087 You share something you're grateful for, 330 00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:54,089 a concern, ugh, 331 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:55,917 and then something you're grateful for. 332 00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,484 It's a shit sandwich. 333 00:18:57,614 --> 00:19:01,531 And so we'll do it for ya. Joel, go ahead. 334 00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:04,404 [imitating father] Ahem, I'm grateful for all 335 00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:11,019 that you did for me this morning, and it's private. 336 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,107 [imitating mother] And I'm grateful 337 00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,196 I'm still able to do that. 338 00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:17,286 And now, Joel, do you have any concerns? 339 00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:20,159 [imitating father] Oh, yes, I do have a concern, Marilyn. 340 00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:25,120 You've been interrupting me for the past 50 years. 341 00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:28,993 [imitating mother] Okay, well, I thought I was doing so-- 342 00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:30,821 [imitating father] I wasn't finished speaking. 343 00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:33,998 [imitating mother] All right, I didn't know 344 00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:35,609 we were gonna say something real. 345 00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:39,352 Okay, well, I felt hurt when you called me a blueberry 346 00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:40,918 and I was wearing my blue coat. 347 00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:47,534 It felt like a slur. 348 00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:48,883 [imitating father] Ahem, your mother knows 349 00:19:49,013 --> 00:19:51,015 I find spheres very sensual. 350 00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:54,497 Ahem. [snorts] 351 00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:56,499 Uh, and close with the gratitude. 352 00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:58,588 Marilyn, I'm grateful that you're gonna let me 353 00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:00,721 have the rest of your sweet potato fries. 354 00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:02,375 [imitating mother] Yes, yes, go ahead. 355 00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:05,552 And I-- I am grateful that your father 356 00:20:05,682 --> 00:20:07,728 is here with us tonight and is not spending 357 00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:10,165 his entire life with his buddy, Lyle. 358 00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:13,777 [groans] 359 00:20:13,908 --> 00:20:16,302 They get together and they eat Fig Newtons, 360 00:20:16,432 --> 00:20:19,218 and then your father gets night terrors. 361 00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:31,142 Now you and Scott give it a go. You and Scott go. 362 00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:33,928 [normal voice] Okay, uh, Scott. Scott. 363 00:20:34,058 --> 00:20:36,147 I'm grateful that you can sing the lyrics 364 00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:39,238 "Turkey leg, chicken leg" to any available melody. 365 00:20:39,281 --> 00:20:41,414 For example, "Frère Jacques." 366 00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:42,632 ♪ Turkey leg, a turkey leg 367 00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:44,591 ♪ A chicken leg, chicken leg 368 00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:46,070 ♪ Turkey, turkey, chicken leg, chicken, turkey, turk, turk ♪ 369 00:20:46,201 --> 00:20:47,637 ♪ Turk, turk leg, chick, chick turk ♪ 370 00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:49,465 ♪ Leg and turk turk, leg and turk turk ♪ 371 00:20:49,596 --> 00:20:51,293 ♪ Leg and chick, leg and chick ♪ 372 00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:53,164 ♪ Leg-a, leg-a turk, turk, leg-a chicken turk, turk ♪ 373 00:20:53,295 --> 00:20:54,470 ♪ Turk, turk, chick, turk, turk-- ♪ 374 00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:56,385 [imitating Scott] M-Maria, Maria. 375 00:20:56,516 --> 00:20:57,865 I'm grateful that you join me in those songs. 376 00:20:57,995 --> 00:20:59,345 It's a real clock-eater. 377 00:20:59,475 --> 00:21:01,825 Uh... 378 00:21:03,392 --> 00:21:04,611 you are actually the first person 379 00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:06,439 I've ever had to beg to stop. 380 00:21:16,057 --> 00:21:18,233 [normal voice] Uh, Scott, I actually did have a concern. 381 00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:21,932 Uh, I felt hurt when you were laughing about my cooking. 382 00:21:22,063 --> 00:21:23,238 [imitating Scott] Okay. 383 00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:24,935 I thought we were laughing together. 384 00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:28,809 I'm sorry. Uh, can I tell them the story, though? 385 00:21:28,939 --> 00:21:32,334 Okay, Maria decides to make pancakes. 386 00:21:32,465 --> 00:21:36,251 She pours batter into a pot nine inches deep, 387 00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,036 like a cake. 388 00:21:39,167 --> 00:21:40,603 That burns. 389 00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:42,126 Does another one, burns again. 390 00:21:42,257 --> 00:21:43,693 By the time I get home, she's on her third pot. 391 00:21:43,824 --> 00:21:46,000 She's added frozen vegetables. 392 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,441 And the house is filled with smoke 393 00:21:52,572 --> 00:21:55,139 'cause she's removed every single fire detector. 394 00:21:57,490 --> 00:21:58,621 [normal voice] Yeah, they're too loud. 395 00:21:58,752 --> 00:22:00,319 I already know what's going on. 396 00:22:05,889 --> 00:22:09,850 I'm making some fuckin' veggie pie cakes. 397 00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:11,808 Hot, fat, tall. 398 00:22:16,247 --> 00:22:19,338 [imitating mother] Now, Scott, do you have any concerns? 399 00:22:19,468 --> 00:22:20,774 [imitating Scott] Uh, yeah. 400 00:22:20,904 --> 00:22:23,559 [squeals] 401 00:22:23,690 --> 00:22:26,170 Maria, I love you. 402 00:22:26,301 --> 00:22:29,086 [squeals] 403 00:22:29,217 --> 00:22:31,437 I love that you put a bench on the front lawn. 404 00:22:31,567 --> 00:22:34,396 But now, uh, there is a man living there. 405 00:22:37,530 --> 00:22:39,358 Which is fine, we live in Los Angeles, 406 00:22:39,488 --> 00:22:44,014 but now when you leave your keys in the front door overnight, 407 00:22:44,145 --> 00:22:47,844 over and over and over again, I feel terrified. 408 00:22:52,893 --> 00:22:55,025 [normal voice] It's just, they-- that's where they fit. 409 00:23:00,161 --> 00:23:02,859 Maybe I could ask the guy on the bench to remind-- 410 00:23:02,990 --> 00:23:04,731 [imitates mother] Honey, no, okay. 411 00:23:04,861 --> 00:23:06,472 Shut it down. Shut it down. 412 00:23:06,602 --> 00:23:09,736 So, uh, say something you're grateful for, Scott. 413 00:23:09,866 --> 00:23:10,911 Something you're grateful for. 414 00:23:11,041 --> 00:23:12,303 [imitating Scott] Uh, Maria, 415 00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:15,829 I'm grateful you're so beautiful. 416 00:23:15,959 --> 00:23:17,787 [snorting] 417 00:23:37,111 --> 00:23:39,156 [normal voice] Scott. Scott. 418 00:23:39,287 --> 00:23:40,462 I'm grateful that you let me use 419 00:23:40,593 --> 00:23:42,725 our sweet and fragile personal life 420 00:23:42,856 --> 00:23:45,380 as fodder for my act. 421 00:23:48,557 --> 00:23:53,519 Very good man. Very kind man. 422 00:23:53,649 --> 00:23:56,391 Uh, my husband's an artist, 423 00:23:56,522 --> 00:23:58,306 so we're working on a project together. 424 00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,830 I'm not sure what it is, exactly, 425 00:24:00,961 --> 00:24:04,617 but he pulls up his swim trunks all the way up to here 426 00:24:04,747 --> 00:24:08,490 and then he tiptoes around the public pool, 427 00:24:08,621 --> 00:24:14,191 and then I chase him yelling, "Mr. Cassidy. 428 00:24:14,322 --> 00:24:16,324 Mr. Cassidy. 429 00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:19,849 Mr. Cassidy! 430 00:24:26,247 --> 00:24:28,815 Gonna try to pitch it to Nat Geo. 431 00:24:31,426 --> 00:24:33,994 Audible? Okay, all right. 432 00:24:34,124 --> 00:24:39,739 Uh, so, we talk about-- we talk about money. 433 00:24:39,869 --> 00:24:41,392 That's the other thing we talk about in our family, 434 00:24:41,523 --> 00:24:44,221 'cause we both have to ask to get paid in our jobs. 435 00:24:44,352 --> 00:24:47,007 And, um, has anyone here ever asked for a raise? 436 00:24:47,137 --> 00:24:48,922 -[scattered whoops] -Yes? No? No? 437 00:24:49,052 --> 00:24:51,272 Oh, how'd it go? How'd your raise go? 438 00:24:51,402 --> 00:24:52,534 I got let go. 439 00:24:52,665 --> 00:24:55,668 You got let go! 440 00:24:55,798 --> 00:24:56,973 Oh. 441 00:24:57,104 --> 00:25:00,324 But good for you. Asked. You asked. 442 00:25:00,455 --> 00:25:01,717 So... 443 00:25:07,288 --> 00:25:09,464 I'm so sorry. Are you working at a better place now? 444 00:25:09,595 --> 00:25:12,293 -Yes. -Oh, okay. 445 00:25:12,423 --> 00:25:14,425 [whines] 446 00:25:16,384 --> 00:25:18,386 Uh, I never-- I've never-- 447 00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:19,648 I never thought to ask for a raise. 448 00:25:19,779 --> 00:25:21,258 I worked in temp jobs 449 00:25:21,389 --> 00:25:23,478 and minimum wage for 15 years. 450 00:25:23,609 --> 00:25:26,046 I worked at a laundry factory once, 451 00:25:26,176 --> 00:25:29,179 making wire hangers into one long wire. 452 00:25:30,877 --> 00:25:32,574 I wasn't told what the mission statement was, 453 00:25:32,705 --> 00:25:35,055 and yet I still felt inspired. 454 00:25:37,710 --> 00:25:41,365 Uh, yeah, so I also worked for a temp agency. 455 00:25:41,496 --> 00:25:43,803 [imitating older woman] Maria, can you meet them 456 00:25:43,933 --> 00:25:49,460 at an unmarked warehouse in downtown Los Angeles? 457 00:25:49,591 --> 00:25:53,334 [normal voice] When? 458 00:25:53,464 --> 00:25:54,814 [imitating older woman] Are you okay with working 459 00:25:54,944 --> 00:25:56,859 with sharp objects? 460 00:25:56,990 --> 00:25:58,557 [normal voice] Yes. 461 00:25:58,687 --> 00:25:59,558 [imitating older woman] You're gonna be making 462 00:25:59,688 --> 00:26:01,037 airport salads. 463 00:26:01,168 --> 00:26:03,170 [normal voice] You buried the lede! 464 00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:09,132 But I never thought to ask for more money, 465 00:26:09,263 --> 00:26:11,526 but now I get direct offers to myself. 466 00:26:11,657 --> 00:26:13,006 I just got an email that said, 467 00:26:13,136 --> 00:26:14,877 "Hey, can you come to Alabama for 300 bucks?" 468 00:26:15,008 --> 00:26:16,618 And I wrote them back and I said, 469 00:26:16,749 --> 00:26:18,446 "Hey, why don't I just send you two grand, 470 00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:20,317 'cause that's what's gonna happen." 471 00:26:20,448 --> 00:26:23,538 Oh, I'm so sorry. 472 00:26:23,669 --> 00:26:25,714 I love you so much. 473 00:26:25,845 --> 00:26:30,501 Uh, now, uh, I, uh-- 474 00:26:30,632 --> 00:26:34,288 but recently-- also, a few-- oh, gosh. 475 00:26:34,418 --> 00:26:37,900 A little while ago, I got-- yesterday? 476 00:26:38,031 --> 00:26:39,423 Is that good for comedy? 477 00:26:39,554 --> 00:26:42,688 Is "yesterday" good for comedy? 478 00:26:46,256 --> 00:26:49,782 I'm-- I'm a liar. 479 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,179 The important thing about stand up comedy 480 00:26:56,310 --> 00:26:59,879 is to call whatever you're doing, "stand-up comedy." 481 00:27:06,755 --> 00:27:09,802 All right, so, I got an offer to do a commencement speech 482 00:27:09,932 --> 00:27:11,412 at the University of Minnesota, 483 00:27:11,542 --> 00:27:14,545 from wherein I get my degree in creative writing. 484 00:27:14,676 --> 00:27:17,592 I said to them, "That's a terrible idea, 485 00:27:17,723 --> 00:27:21,814 but that is on you. I love money." 486 00:27:21,944 --> 00:27:25,905 And-- and I thought about it and I thought, 487 00:27:26,035 --> 00:27:27,907 "You know what? I do have some advice to give." 488 00:27:28,037 --> 00:27:32,607 "Okay, class of whatever year this is. 489 00:27:32,738 --> 00:27:34,478 You'll find it doesn't matter. 490 00:27:34,609 --> 00:27:39,919 Okay. 491 00:27:40,049 --> 00:27:41,877 You guys, don't move to Los Angeles 492 00:27:42,008 --> 00:27:44,488 with the promise of a touring Star Trekshow. 493 00:27:44,619 --> 00:27:49,102 Uh... hook up on a one-night stand with a Vulcan. 494 00:27:49,232 --> 00:27:51,844 He gives you an STD that you let go for so long 495 00:27:51,974 --> 00:27:54,107 that when you finally go to the Planned Parenthood 496 00:27:54,237 --> 00:27:56,675 in Hollywood, California, the doctor says, 497 00:27:56,805 --> 00:27:59,721 'Why did you let this get so bad?' 498 00:27:59,852 --> 00:28:01,767 Don't do that!" 499 00:28:05,727 --> 00:28:07,120 Ah. 500 00:28:07,250 --> 00:28:09,949 "Don't send in your 1040 IRS forms 501 00:28:10,079 --> 00:28:11,907 with 'Sorry, don't get it,' 502 00:28:12,038 --> 00:28:16,912 smiley face, exclamation point." 503 00:28:17,043 --> 00:28:19,001 Oh. 504 00:28:19,132 --> 00:28:20,829 Okay. 505 00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,179 "Uh, don't move into an apartment 506 00:28:23,310 --> 00:28:26,400 where the landlord allegedly accepts sex for rent, 507 00:28:26,530 --> 00:28:28,576 and then not have money for rent. 508 00:28:28,707 --> 00:28:31,057 Turns out, he was not interested. 509 00:28:31,187 --> 00:28:33,712 I just had to move out!" 510 00:28:40,109 --> 00:28:42,198 Oh, there's so much here. 511 00:28:42,329 --> 00:28:44,853 Um... 512 00:28:44,984 --> 00:28:48,117 so, I asked the university, I said, "Hey..." 513 00:28:48,248 --> 00:28:49,815 Well, 'cause they didn't mention it, 514 00:28:49,945 --> 00:28:51,468 "What are we talking about, in terms of Bitcoin?" 515 00:28:53,819 --> 00:28:55,908 They said, "No, it's an honor." 516 00:28:56,038 --> 00:28:58,519 And I Googled "hon-or." 517 00:28:58,649 --> 00:29:01,565 And sometimes a "hon-or" 518 00:29:01,696 --> 00:29:05,787 comes with a paid "hon-orarium." 519 00:29:05,918 --> 00:29:07,789 They said, "No." 520 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,270 I went to my business advisor, who's my dear friend Jackie's 521 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:13,055 83-year-old father, Elliot Kashian. 522 00:29:13,186 --> 00:29:16,711 He's a former aluminum siding salesman currently living 523 00:29:16,842 --> 00:29:19,322 at the VA hospital in South Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 524 00:29:19,453 --> 00:29:23,283 I said, "Mr. Kashian, what do I do?" He says, 525 00:29:23,413 --> 00:29:25,589 [imitating Kashian] "Okay, you never say no 526 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:27,374 without a number. 527 00:29:27,504 --> 00:29:29,593 That means, if you're not even sure you want the job, 528 00:29:29,724 --> 00:29:31,334 put out something ridiculous, 529 00:29:31,465 --> 00:29:32,683 something you've never gotten before in your life. 530 00:29:32,814 --> 00:29:35,251 That way, either you get a ton of money, 531 00:29:35,382 --> 00:29:38,124 or you don't have to do it." 532 00:29:38,254 --> 00:29:42,824 [applause] 533 00:29:42,955 --> 00:29:46,175 So, let's remember that their initial parry 534 00:29:46,306 --> 00:29:48,656 was zilch. 535 00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:52,573 I counter-thrusted 536 00:29:52,703 --> 00:29:55,097 with 20 grand. 537 00:29:55,228 --> 00:29:57,056 [cheering] 538 00:29:57,186 --> 00:29:59,058 [laughs] 539 00:29:59,188 --> 00:30:03,366 Oh, I received the following e-mail in response. 540 00:30:03,497 --> 00:30:07,240 [imitating midwest man] "Oh, you dirty little bird. 541 00:30:07,370 --> 00:30:10,721 You and your filthy feathered fat pants 542 00:30:10,852 --> 00:30:13,246 used to be a nice girl from Duluth, Minnesota, 543 00:30:13,376 --> 00:30:14,682 but now you're from L.A. 544 00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:19,730 with your eyes made of lead and steel. 545 00:30:19,861 --> 00:30:25,127 We're a non-profit." 546 00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:30,393 They-- they didn't say that. They said, 547 00:30:30,524 --> 00:30:33,005 "We'll get back to you." But I read between the lines. 548 00:30:37,792 --> 00:30:40,839 And I do know that schools are educational charities, 549 00:30:40,969 --> 00:30:42,710 that they-- I'm very happy, 550 00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:44,755 I just heard they had a successful fundraiser. 551 00:30:44,886 --> 00:30:46,975 Uh, I'm not sure if it was a bake sale, 552 00:30:47,106 --> 00:30:48,847 but they did raise $900 million 553 00:30:48,977 --> 00:30:51,371 for their new athletic facility. 554 00:30:51,501 --> 00:30:54,287 Presumably for the poets. 555 00:30:56,767 --> 00:30:58,944 Was the University of Minnesota trying to suggest 556 00:30:59,074 --> 00:31:00,859 that I could not get paid for the one thing 557 00:31:00,989 --> 00:31:04,906 that I paid them to teach me how to get paid to do? 558 00:31:05,037 --> 00:31:08,779 [cheers, applause] 559 00:31:14,046 --> 00:31:17,136 And I tell you, no, ma'am. 560 00:31:17,266 --> 00:31:20,530 They came back three days later with ten-- 561 00:31:20,661 --> 00:31:22,924 $10,000. 562 00:31:23,055 --> 00:31:25,796 I woulda done it for $600 plus air and hotel. 563 00:31:25,927 --> 00:31:28,582 Ugh. 564 00:31:28,712 --> 00:31:31,237 Uh, Mr. Kashian said, "Okay, now you say, 565 00:31:31,367 --> 00:31:32,891 'We'll split the difference, fifteen,' 566 00:31:33,021 --> 00:31:37,025 and then you settle for twelve-five." 567 00:31:37,156 --> 00:31:40,811 But the guilt of the old country had done its work. 568 00:31:40,942 --> 00:31:43,162 And I went with ten, and then I ended up feeling so bad 569 00:31:43,292 --> 00:31:45,468 about myself that, as a part of the speech, 570 00:31:45,599 --> 00:31:47,340 I gave the money away to kids in the audience 571 00:31:47,470 --> 00:31:48,907 to pay down their student loans. 572 00:31:49,037 --> 00:31:51,474 Sounds like a nice thing to do. 573 00:31:51,605 --> 00:31:53,999 That is the only way I'm able to do kind things. 574 00:31:54,129 --> 00:31:59,569 If it is in public and it is grandiose. 575 00:32:06,533 --> 00:32:09,188 Uh, I am an atheist, 576 00:32:09,318 --> 00:32:12,234 but I'm nothing if not ethically competitive. 577 00:32:18,371 --> 00:32:20,460 My husband and I, we found out that, most religions, 578 00:32:20,590 --> 00:32:22,462 you're supposed to give at least ten percent 579 00:32:22,592 --> 00:32:24,246 of your income away to charity. 580 00:32:24,377 --> 00:32:27,641 So we're giving 11. 581 00:32:27,771 --> 00:32:30,513 We don't even fucking believe in Heaven, 582 00:32:30,644 --> 00:32:33,560 but we're going! 583 00:32:45,006 --> 00:32:46,877 No, I'm just jealous. 584 00:32:47,008 --> 00:32:48,401 I've never had a religious experience. 585 00:32:48,531 --> 00:32:50,098 I have a friend who's having them all the time. 586 00:32:50,229 --> 00:32:54,537 She takes ayahuasca, so she's... 587 00:32:54,668 --> 00:32:56,496 [low female voice] "A red dragon told me I really need 588 00:32:56,626 --> 00:33:00,152 to raise the prices on my jewelry." 589 00:33:00,282 --> 00:33:02,763 [normal voice] I wish I had a fucking red dragon 590 00:33:02,893 --> 00:33:04,983 to tell me to take specific price-point related actions 591 00:33:05,113 --> 00:33:09,117 in my small business. 592 00:33:09,248 --> 00:33:13,948 [low growly voice] "Why not create a passive income stream 593 00:33:14,079 --> 00:33:19,562 by selling already colored-in anxiety coloring books... 594 00:33:23,479 --> 00:33:27,962 so that people don't feel bad about not finishing them?" 595 00:33:31,748 --> 00:33:34,142 [normal voice] "I'm listening, dragon." 596 00:33:38,407 --> 00:33:41,671 Uh, I haven't had a spiritual awakening, 597 00:33:41,802 --> 00:33:44,674 but I have been so bored-- 598 00:33:44,805 --> 00:33:48,896 on a mindfulness meditation retreat in the Malibu Hills-- 599 00:33:49,027 --> 00:33:51,551 that I walked directly into some trees. 600 00:33:51,681 --> 00:33:55,207 And who but aging action star Nick Nolte 601 00:33:55,337 --> 00:33:57,426 should come out of that forest 602 00:33:57,557 --> 00:34:00,777 carrying a ridiculously large submarine sandwich. 603 00:34:10,222 --> 00:34:12,527 I-- I have nothing guiding me from within 604 00:34:12,659 --> 00:34:16,967 beyond a moldering origami skeleton 605 00:34:17,098 --> 00:34:20,319 of women's magazines articles from the late '90s. 606 00:34:20,449 --> 00:34:24,366 Uh, so when I see someone 607 00:34:24,496 --> 00:34:27,108 who has a sign of what they believe on their person-- 608 00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:29,328 you know, like, they have an earring 609 00:34:29,458 --> 00:34:32,157 or like a necklace-- what? 610 00:34:32,286 --> 00:34:36,161 Uh, it's just to remind me not to be a jackass. 611 00:34:36,291 --> 00:34:37,597 "Oh, right, right." 612 00:34:37,726 --> 00:34:42,949 Um, or if they have a robe on, 613 00:34:43,081 --> 00:34:44,952 I always feel like asking them, just saying, 614 00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:49,522 "Hey, you really doing that over there? 615 00:34:49,652 --> 00:34:52,393 The whole thing? 616 00:34:52,525 --> 00:34:54,179 Okay, all right. 617 00:34:54,309 --> 00:34:56,355 That's a lot of stuff to keep track of. 618 00:34:56,485 --> 00:34:57,617 I read some of your shit. 619 00:34:57,747 --> 00:34:58,922 All right, all right. 620 00:34:59,053 --> 00:35:01,055 Well, good for you, yeah, no. 621 00:35:01,186 --> 00:35:04,798 I'm gonna be keeping an eye on you. 622 00:35:04,928 --> 00:35:06,060 I want to make sure you're doing 623 00:35:06,191 --> 00:35:08,193 everything your hat says you are." 624 00:35:08,323 --> 00:35:11,718 [laughs] Oh. 625 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:15,678 I even get a little irritable 626 00:35:15,809 --> 00:35:18,028 when I see the words-on-shirts trend. 627 00:35:18,159 --> 00:35:20,422 I saw a woman my age, she was wearing a t-shirt 628 00:35:20,553 --> 00:35:22,859 that said "Truly, Madly, Deeply" 629 00:35:22,990 --> 00:35:25,819 in a giant Santa Barbara font, very beautiful. 630 00:35:25,949 --> 00:35:31,433 But she herself was shuffling along 631 00:35:31,564 --> 00:35:34,436 carrying a to-go bag from the Cheesecake Factory 632 00:35:34,567 --> 00:35:37,396 in a pair of worn purple Crocs 633 00:35:37,526 --> 00:35:39,311 with a little smile on her face. 634 00:35:44,925 --> 00:35:47,057 "Truly, Madly, Deeply." 635 00:35:47,188 --> 00:35:51,061 I want to see you running 636 00:35:51,192 --> 00:35:55,457 covered in the blood of a loved one while screaming, 637 00:35:55,588 --> 00:35:59,853 "Done is better than perfect." 638 00:35:59,983 --> 00:36:01,289 You can, of course, keep the Crocs, 639 00:36:01,420 --> 00:36:04,597 those are on message. 640 00:36:04,727 --> 00:36:07,426 But I'd prefer to see them sloshing in the entrails 641 00:36:07,556 --> 00:36:13,040 of your recent kill. 642 00:36:13,171 --> 00:36:16,565 Um... I was at a yogoo class, 643 00:36:16,696 --> 00:36:18,350 and I call it "yogoo" 'cause I in no way 644 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:19,960 enjoy it or respect it. 645 00:36:20,090 --> 00:36:26,488 And-- and packed class. 646 00:36:26,619 --> 00:36:28,534 One woman had clearly gotten there early. 647 00:36:28,664 --> 00:36:30,797 She had a big moat of space around herself. 648 00:36:30,927 --> 00:36:34,540 She had all of her blobs and wads and wickets and sticks. 649 00:36:34,670 --> 00:36:40,589 And-- and, uh, I had gotten there late, 650 00:36:40,720 --> 00:36:43,636 so I had to ask her, 'Hey, could ya scoot your mat?" 651 00:36:43,766 --> 00:36:46,508 And unfortunately for her, she had a t-shirt on 652 00:36:46,639 --> 00:36:48,510 with font large enough for me to read it-- 653 00:36:48,641 --> 00:36:50,730 the word "Compassion." 654 00:36:55,691 --> 00:36:59,434 Aw, shit, you gotta scoot the mat, beeatch. 655 00:36:59,565 --> 00:37:03,133 [laughs] 656 00:37:03,264 --> 00:37:04,352 Oh. 657 00:37:08,356 --> 00:37:10,532 I'm not the one wearing the t-shirt. 658 00:37:14,667 --> 00:37:16,103 If I were to wear any t-shirt, 659 00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:17,670 it would be blank on the outside, 660 00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:21,151 and then on the inside where only I could see it, 661 00:37:21,282 --> 00:37:23,806 it'd say, "Kickin' ass." 662 00:37:31,858 --> 00:37:33,903 That would-- uh... 663 00:37:34,034 --> 00:37:37,255 But has anyone had a fight on the Internet recently? 664 00:37:37,385 --> 00:37:40,954 Any fights? Yes, yes? No, no. No. 665 00:37:41,084 --> 00:37:42,651 Oh, somebody's trying to raise your hand. 666 00:37:42,782 --> 00:37:45,306 You're about to start a fight. Exciting. 667 00:37:45,437 --> 00:37:47,569 -Have you had a fight? Yes? -Sure. 668 00:37:47,700 --> 00:37:49,919 Yeah, yeah, what'd you fight about on the Internet? 669 00:37:50,050 --> 00:37:51,399 -Hmm. -Green beans. 670 00:37:51,530 --> 00:37:54,184 Green beans? For real? 671 00:37:54,315 --> 00:37:55,882 [indistinct] 672 00:37:56,012 --> 00:37:58,145 Sure-- oh, oh, you're just impro-- 673 00:37:58,276 --> 00:38:00,495 are you-- you're a kind improviser. 674 00:38:00,626 --> 00:38:02,845 You don't have a strong opinion about green beans, do you? 675 00:38:02,976 --> 00:38:05,065 [indistinct] 676 00:38:05,195 --> 00:38:07,894 Now, your face. I'm reading, I'm reading. 677 00:38:08,024 --> 00:38:10,810 I'm not-- I'm not a professional, 678 00:38:10,940 --> 00:38:12,855 but I can read the body language. 679 00:38:12,986 --> 00:38:14,857 You're just trying to help, I appreciate that. 680 00:38:14,988 --> 00:38:16,859 And, uh-- 681 00:38:16,990 --> 00:38:20,776 and, by helping, sometimes we harm, am I right? 682 00:38:20,907 --> 00:38:23,823 I should-- I should know that. I'm a white woman. 683 00:38:23,953 --> 00:38:25,564 [laughs] 684 00:38:25,694 --> 00:38:29,742 [applause] 685 00:38:29,872 --> 00:38:34,921 "How can I get in there?" 686 00:38:35,051 --> 00:38:36,531 I love the Internet 687 00:38:36,662 --> 00:38:40,056 because it is a place of learning and healing, 688 00:38:40,187 --> 00:38:42,058 in that I'm a dinosaur. 689 00:38:42,189 --> 00:38:44,409 I'm slipping into the tar of irrelevant redundancy. 690 00:38:44,539 --> 00:38:45,932 And, uh-- 691 00:38:46,062 --> 00:38:47,455 So I'm forever horrified 692 00:38:47,586 --> 00:38:49,849 by what new thing I may say 693 00:38:49,979 --> 00:38:54,332 that will alienate people I care about. 694 00:38:54,462 --> 00:38:58,553 So, I-- a year and a half ago, I did write an essay 695 00:38:58,684 --> 00:39:01,339 and I was hired to write an essay on a topic 696 00:39:01,469 --> 00:39:03,950 that I have no personal experience in-- 697 00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:06,866 satirical. What? 698 00:39:06,996 --> 00:39:10,173 And wrote it, put it out there. 699 00:39:10,304 --> 00:39:13,046 Some very nice people said to me, 700 00:39:13,176 --> 00:39:14,569 "Hey Maria, we're real disappointed 701 00:39:14,700 --> 00:39:16,528 because it's trans-phobic, 702 00:39:16,658 --> 00:39:17,616 many of the things you said," 703 00:39:17,746 --> 00:39:20,270 and, uh, "Oh, my God, wow. 704 00:39:20,401 --> 00:39:22,925 Apologies all around. 705 00:39:23,056 --> 00:39:25,885 I will read some books on gender identity and sexuality. 706 00:39:26,015 --> 00:39:27,887 Yay, team!" 707 00:39:28,017 --> 00:39:31,891 Uh, and then the publishing company, 708 00:39:32,021 --> 00:39:33,196 because they still thought it was funny, 709 00:39:33,327 --> 00:39:34,459 they didn't want to take it down. 710 00:39:34,589 --> 00:39:37,375 And I got the electric experience 711 00:39:37,505 --> 00:39:39,768 of getting to teach someone a lesson 712 00:39:39,899 --> 00:39:42,858 I just learned! 713 00:39:50,257 --> 00:39:52,955 "You should be ashamed of yourselves." 714 00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:02,704 So, uh, I-- I have a friend 715 00:40:02,835 --> 00:40:05,098 who's always posting things that are kind of mad, 716 00:40:05,228 --> 00:40:08,275 but I'm not sure exactly about what. 717 00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:12,410 Like, "If you know who you are and you do 718 00:40:12,540 --> 00:40:16,022 but you get it and you don't, repost but don't like, 719 00:40:16,152 --> 00:40:19,329 because you aren't a grinder and you don't hustle. 720 00:40:19,460 --> 00:40:22,942 I hustle, I grind. Hashtag skincare." 721 00:40:31,167 --> 00:40:35,520 I hope this involves multi-level marketing. 722 00:40:35,650 --> 00:40:38,000 I want to be on all sides of the argument. 723 00:40:38,131 --> 00:40:40,786 Um, do you ever feel like you just want to know 724 00:40:40,916 --> 00:40:43,049 that you're-- you're a pretty good person? 725 00:40:43,179 --> 00:40:46,835 Like, that you're just-- you're good as someone 726 00:40:46,966 --> 00:40:48,707 everyone considers to be pretty good. 727 00:40:48,837 --> 00:40:51,013 You know? You-- maybe you're not Santa 728 00:40:51,144 --> 00:40:52,885 but you're not the Golden State Serial Killer. 729 00:40:53,015 --> 00:40:56,889 Like you're-- or maybe 730 00:40:57,019 --> 00:41:02,068 you're just better than one person. 731 00:41:02,198 --> 00:41:04,723 And I always think it's gotta be somebody 732 00:41:04,853 --> 00:41:07,595 who's following a religion, who's deeply religious. 733 00:41:07,726 --> 00:41:09,379 So then you can go mano-a-mano, 734 00:41:09,510 --> 00:41:11,556 and examples from their own philosophy, 735 00:41:11,686 --> 00:41:12,948 so you can see who's ahead, 736 00:41:13,079 --> 00:41:15,734 like who specifically is winning. 737 00:41:15,864 --> 00:41:19,085 Uh... 738 00:41:19,215 --> 00:41:24,046 So I called my mom, I said, "Mom, you're a Christ-ian. 739 00:41:24,177 --> 00:41:26,745 Would you be willing to go with me, three rounds, 740 00:41:26,875 --> 00:41:28,224 in your own religion, 741 00:41:28,355 --> 00:41:34,970 to see which one of us is the better person?" 742 00:41:35,101 --> 00:41:37,146 And she said... [imitating mother] "What?" 743 00:41:40,149 --> 00:41:44,893 [normal voice] Round one! 744 00:41:45,024 --> 00:41:47,069 These are all stories from the "Beeblay" I remember as a kid, 745 00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:49,376 uh, about how you're supposed to act in the world. 746 00:41:49,507 --> 00:41:51,596 First story, Good Samaritan. 747 00:41:51,726 --> 00:41:53,206 Jewish guy is left for dead on the side of the road. 748 00:41:53,336 --> 00:41:54,773 His two best friends leave him behind 749 00:41:54,903 --> 00:41:56,688 'cause they've got time management issues. 750 00:41:56,818 --> 00:41:59,691 Uh, a third guy, his sworn enemy, a Samaritan-- 751 00:41:59,821 --> 00:42:01,214 always the rule of three in the Bible-- 752 00:42:01,344 --> 00:42:04,086 one, two, then the kicker, just like comedy-- 753 00:42:07,176 --> 00:42:11,920 and, uh, so the Samaritan, his enemy, stops, 754 00:42:12,051 --> 00:42:13,879 puts him on his donkey, rubs him down 755 00:42:14,009 --> 00:42:15,402 with oils and herbs and spices. 756 00:42:15,533 --> 00:42:17,535 Bible's a lot about spa treatments. 757 00:42:17,665 --> 00:42:20,363 And then takes him back to his home, saves his life. 758 00:42:20,494 --> 00:42:22,714 So, uh, in Los Angeles, we are, of course, 759 00:42:22,844 --> 00:42:25,891 living in a human rights violation. 760 00:42:26,021 --> 00:42:28,546 Every few inches is an opportunity 761 00:42:28,676 --> 00:42:32,071 to experience the Old Testament. 762 00:42:32,201 --> 00:42:36,292 Uh, outside Target, Santa Monica Boulevard. 763 00:42:36,423 --> 00:42:39,469 I was out there. Man, uh, my age, six foot five, 764 00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:41,733 maybe we'd done an improv class together, at some point. 765 00:42:41,863 --> 00:42:43,909 I know I did say, "Yes, and..." 766 00:42:44,039 --> 00:42:45,519 to someone of his height and weight 767 00:42:45,650 --> 00:42:48,261 And I was doing okay. 768 00:42:48,391 --> 00:42:50,306 He, however, was covered in filth. 769 00:42:50,437 --> 00:42:52,352 No shirt, no shoes, sores on his feet, 770 00:42:52,482 --> 00:42:56,051 uh, catatonic, not aware of any outside stimuli, 771 00:42:56,182 --> 00:43:00,621 and a secondary face of snot covering his own face. 772 00:43:00,752 --> 00:43:01,927 Here's what I should've done, 773 00:43:02,057 --> 00:43:03,493 according to the rules of the game. 774 00:43:03,624 --> 00:43:05,104 I should've gone straight up to him and said, 775 00:43:05,234 --> 00:43:07,062 "Okay, hello. I know you can't hear me. 776 00:43:07,193 --> 00:43:08,934 But I'm gonna-- you're a big man, 777 00:43:09,064 --> 00:43:10,457 but I'm gonna flat pack you into my Prius. 778 00:43:10,588 --> 00:43:12,328 That's right. 779 00:43:12,459 --> 00:43:14,983 Now I'm gonna spray you down with Axe body spray, 780 00:43:15,114 --> 00:43:18,857 whatever flavor you want. I would recommend Taboo. 781 00:43:18,987 --> 00:43:22,861 Then-- then take you back to our house, live with us, 782 00:43:22,991 --> 00:43:27,256 and then be his best friend for the rest of his life, 783 00:43:27,387 --> 00:43:31,173 especially if he does not want me to be his best friend, 784 00:43:31,304 --> 00:43:35,395 'cause that's what best friends are fucking for. 785 00:43:40,269 --> 00:43:41,488 What did I actually do, in real life? 786 00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:44,056 Uh, in real life, first I went into Target 787 00:43:44,186 --> 00:43:46,275 to get a couple things that I needed. 788 00:43:46,406 --> 00:43:51,106 Then came out, had a $20 bill. 789 00:43:51,237 --> 00:43:52,978 I had wet some paper towels down. 790 00:43:53,108 --> 00:43:54,762 Put those at this man's feet 791 00:43:54,893 --> 00:43:56,764 while stepping away, whispering, 792 00:43:56,895 --> 00:44:01,073 "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." 793 00:44:01,203 --> 00:44:04,337 And I felt good about that. 794 00:44:04,467 --> 00:44:06,208 [imitating announcer] That's a low bar for Marilyn to clear. 795 00:44:06,339 --> 00:44:08,646 She's armchair quarterbacking it from the sidelines. 796 00:44:08,776 --> 00:44:11,823 Marilyn, what would you do on the field in this play? 797 00:44:11,953 --> 00:44:14,086 [imitating mother] "Oh, honey, you know. 798 00:44:14,216 --> 00:44:15,914 You cannot drive yourself crazy. 799 00:44:16,044 --> 00:44:18,394 There are organizations to help people like that. 800 00:44:18,525 --> 00:44:20,658 what did you get at Target?" 801 00:44:26,881 --> 00:44:31,364 [normal voice] Round two! 802 00:44:31,494 --> 00:44:35,107 The story of Esther. Hot, hot Jewish lady. 803 00:44:35,237 --> 00:44:36,761 She wins a beauty pageant to marry the king. 804 00:44:36,891 --> 00:44:38,806 She does not tell the king that she's Jewish. 805 00:44:38,937 --> 00:44:40,765 The king says, "Hey, guess what? 806 00:44:40,895 --> 00:44:42,070 I think I'm gonna kill all the Jews." 807 00:44:42,201 --> 00:44:46,248 And she's like, "Oh, shit. Um, guess what, I'm Jewish, 808 00:44:46,379 --> 00:44:47,510 and so are my friends and family." 809 00:44:47,641 --> 00:44:49,077 And he was like, "What?! 810 00:44:49,208 --> 00:44:51,427 I didn't know Jews were so fuckin' hot. 811 00:44:54,256 --> 00:44:56,606 I'm gonna kill the guy who told me to kill all the Jews. 812 00:44:56,737 --> 00:44:59,958 Somebody has to die, this is a children's book." 813 00:45:02,047 --> 00:45:06,355 So, uh, you're supposed to speak truth to power, 814 00:45:06,486 --> 00:45:10,142 put yourself in danger on behalf of the voiceless. 815 00:45:10,272 --> 00:45:12,579 I would argue the most maligned group of untouchables 816 00:45:12,710 --> 00:45:15,930 in Los Angeles are extras. 817 00:45:16,061 --> 00:45:20,587 People in the background of film and television. 818 00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:22,067 I have many times been an extra. 819 00:45:22,197 --> 00:45:24,765 You are left without food, water, 820 00:45:24,896 --> 00:45:27,768 bathroom breaks for hours at a time. 821 00:45:27,899 --> 00:45:30,728 They throw buckets of Red Vines at you. 822 00:45:32,947 --> 00:45:35,428 And most painfully, you're inches away 823 00:45:35,558 --> 00:45:38,736 from a tiny, gorgeous group of people 824 00:45:38,866 --> 00:45:41,608 who are having all their dreams come true. 825 00:45:49,050 --> 00:45:53,272 So, I, uh-- I had my own TV show, 826 00:45:53,402 --> 00:45:54,795 Lady Dynamite, on Netflix. 827 00:45:54,926 --> 00:45:55,970 -[cheers, applause] -Thank you. 828 00:45:56,101 --> 00:45:58,103 [indistinct] 829 00:45:58,233 --> 00:45:59,713 Requisite applause break. 830 00:45:59,844 --> 00:46:01,541 Thank you so much. 831 00:46:01,671 --> 00:46:04,631 Thank you, thank you for-- thank you. Thank you. 832 00:46:04,762 --> 00:46:08,243 Uh, I-- uh, here's what I should've done, 833 00:46:08,374 --> 00:46:10,506 according to the rules of the game. 834 00:46:10,637 --> 00:46:12,247 I should've made a big speech at the beginning of production. 835 00:46:12,378 --> 00:46:16,295 I should've said, "Netflix, should you massage 836 00:46:16,425 --> 00:46:19,341 my kale with avocado and sea salt and lemon, 837 00:46:19,472 --> 00:46:22,736 so, too, should you massage the kale of the extras. 838 00:46:26,305 --> 00:46:29,221 For that which you scream at the extras, 839 00:46:29,351 --> 00:46:31,223 'Use the port-a-potties a thousand yards away,' 840 00:46:31,353 --> 00:46:36,228 so do you scream at me, for I, too, am an extra." 841 00:46:38,360 --> 00:46:40,885 Uh, what did I actually do? 842 00:46:41,015 --> 00:46:43,539 My very own husband was an extra. He calls me. 843 00:46:43,670 --> 00:46:45,106 [imitating Scott] "They have us in a van. 844 00:46:45,237 --> 00:46:49,284 Uh... 845 00:46:49,415 --> 00:46:52,200 it's over a hundred degrees in here. 846 00:46:52,331 --> 00:46:54,855 The guy won't let us out. It's locked from the outside. 847 00:46:54,986 --> 00:46:58,380 Hey, I can-- I can see you, can you see me?" 848 00:46:58,511 --> 00:47:01,383 [normal voice] "Oh. Oh, yes, shit, babe, 849 00:47:01,514 --> 00:47:02,994 yeah, I'll try to-- I'll get somebody over there, 850 00:47:03,124 --> 00:47:05,257 but they're doing my hair." 851 00:47:13,004 --> 00:47:14,962 I asked my mom what she would've done. 852 00:47:15,093 --> 00:47:16,572 [imitating announcer] Pop fly ball to the outfield. 853 00:47:16,703 --> 00:47:19,140 Easy catch, Marilyn, but the sun's in her eyes. 854 00:47:19,271 --> 00:47:21,055 Marilyn, what would you do? 855 00:47:21,186 --> 00:47:23,318 [imitating mother] "Oh, I mean, if it were me, 856 00:47:23,449 --> 00:47:25,843 I'd pay to be part of the magic." 857 00:47:25,973 --> 00:47:27,366 [imitating announcer] Marilyn in the penalty box 858 00:47:27,496 --> 00:47:30,543 with her first lie. 859 00:47:30,673 --> 00:47:33,372 Ahem, she's lying. 860 00:47:33,502 --> 00:47:35,722 So, round three. 861 00:47:35,853 --> 00:47:40,205 Okay, not looking good for my mom. 862 00:47:40,335 --> 00:47:42,250 The following is one of the creepiest stories 863 00:47:42,381 --> 00:47:45,906 from the Bible, of which there are so many. 864 00:47:46,037 --> 00:47:50,737 Uh, please Google the story where the father 865 00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:55,263 can't stop touching his daughter's feet. 866 00:47:55,394 --> 00:47:59,528 That's from the book of... [gagging] 867 00:48:04,577 --> 00:48:08,842 Verse yikes. 868 00:48:08,973 --> 00:48:10,931 This story bothered me ever since I was little. 869 00:48:11,062 --> 00:48:14,239 It's-- okay, it starts out-- slave owner. 870 00:48:14,369 --> 00:48:18,939 Oh, my God, what? Tells three of his slaves, 871 00:48:19,070 --> 00:48:19,984 [imitating surfer dude] "Hey, you guys, 872 00:48:20,114 --> 00:48:22,203 I just had this great idea. 873 00:48:22,334 --> 00:48:25,380 Um, I'm gonna give you each a bag of gold, okay? 874 00:48:25,511 --> 00:48:28,731 And, um, you do whatever it is you want to do with it, man. 875 00:48:28,862 --> 00:48:30,777 No, honey, you do you. No. 876 00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:32,910 No, I'm not gonna tell you what to do with it. 877 00:48:33,040 --> 00:48:34,172 That's the whole thing! 878 00:48:34,302 --> 00:48:36,087 That's what makes it fun! 879 00:48:41,048 --> 00:48:44,878 I'm gonna fuck off for seven years. 880 00:48:45,009 --> 00:48:48,273 But if I come back and you've done the wrong thing, 881 00:48:48,403 --> 00:48:50,275 I'm gonna kill you. We good?" 882 00:48:53,104 --> 00:48:55,323 The first guy is terrified. 883 00:48:55,454 --> 00:48:57,543 He does what I'd do, buries the gold underground. 884 00:48:57,673 --> 00:49:01,199 Keep it safe. Money market funds and CDs. 885 00:49:03,288 --> 00:49:06,247 Second guy goes, "M-maybe he wants me 886 00:49:06,378 --> 00:49:09,033 to risk a little bit of the capital so that the-- 887 00:49:09,163 --> 00:49:11,165 and make a little profit, but something meaningful 888 00:49:11,296 --> 00:49:14,299 from the heart like upcycled wet naps, 889 00:49:14,429 --> 00:49:19,826 uh, sew them each into dollhouse quilts." 890 00:49:19,957 --> 00:49:22,220 Makes a little money. Third guy says, 891 00:49:22,350 --> 00:49:25,658 "Uh, I'm just gonna buy a factory with the gold, 892 00:49:25,788 --> 00:49:29,096 and then I'm gonna enslave people myself, 893 00:49:29,227 --> 00:49:31,011 force them all to make sweatpants 894 00:49:31,142 --> 00:49:33,666 that say 'Not Today, Satan' on the butt." 895 00:49:39,541 --> 00:49:42,109 And he becomes a kabillionaire, as he well should. 896 00:49:42,240 --> 00:49:46,157 Now, who is the guy who does not die at the end of this story? 897 00:49:46,287 --> 00:49:48,986 It's the guy who makes the most money! 898 00:49:49,116 --> 00:49:52,685 -[woman in audience whoops] -[mouths] What? 899 00:49:52,815 --> 00:49:57,124 I asked my mom, "Mom, so, are you bringing in any cash? 900 00:49:57,255 --> 00:49:59,431 Christ just needs cash. 901 00:49:59,561 --> 00:50:02,564 Christ needs cash. 902 00:50:02,695 --> 00:50:05,002 God is invoicing." 903 00:50:08,048 --> 00:50:09,528 [imitating mother] "Oh, no, honey, no, 904 00:50:09,658 --> 00:50:11,182 you know, I haven't been feeling so good, 905 00:50:11,312 --> 00:50:14,533 with the chemotherapy and the immunotherapy stuff, 906 00:50:14,663 --> 00:50:17,405 some of the lung stuff, so I-- we're-- 907 00:50:17,536 --> 00:50:23,759 and we're trying to just, you know, enjoy each day." 908 00:50:23,890 --> 00:50:26,936 [normal voice] "Mom!" 909 00:50:27,067 --> 00:50:30,114 'Cause she can make bank. She used to be a therapist. 910 00:50:30,244 --> 00:50:32,203 You don't have to be that good at being a therapist 911 00:50:32,333 --> 00:50:34,422 to make a ton of money. 912 00:50:34,553 --> 00:50:37,556 I have been paying this one woman, online therapy, 913 00:50:37,686 --> 00:50:39,340 200 bucks a month. 914 00:50:39,471 --> 00:50:41,429 She just texted me, 915 00:50:41,560 --> 00:50:44,563 "Christine, of course you're stressed, you just had a baby." 916 00:50:47,087 --> 00:50:49,655 And it was helpful! 917 00:50:55,661 --> 00:50:58,359 Of course I'm stressed, I just had a baby. 918 00:51:07,194 --> 00:51:08,674 [imitating mother] "But the lesson is, honey, 919 00:51:08,804 --> 00:51:11,894 with that story, is you're supposed to do 920 00:51:12,025 --> 00:51:16,116 everything that you can with exactly what you have." 921 00:51:16,247 --> 00:51:19,511 [normal voice] Uh-oh. I'm not doing that. 922 00:51:19,641 --> 00:51:21,643 A lot of comics sell merch after shows. 923 00:51:21,774 --> 00:51:26,257 Uh, very thoughtful people have asked me, in a nice way, 924 00:51:26,387 --> 00:51:28,041 "Hey, Maria. Do you have any merch?" 925 00:51:28,172 --> 00:51:31,479 To which I've sometimes said, 926 00:51:31,610 --> 00:51:38,051 "Uh, why don't you make your own fuckin' merch? 927 00:51:38,182 --> 00:51:40,662 No, you take a piece of masking tape, 928 00:51:40,793 --> 00:51:42,925 you write 'comedy' on it... 929 00:51:45,841 --> 00:51:47,582 Slap that on your sock." 930 00:51:49,758 --> 00:51:53,632 "But, Mom, you're not bringing it in." 931 00:51:53,762 --> 00:51:56,200 [imitating mother] "I know, I'm a drain 932 00:51:56,330 --> 00:51:58,854 on the Lord's resources. 933 00:51:58,985 --> 00:52:01,727 But I was so mad at your father 934 00:52:01,857 --> 00:52:04,773 'cause I told him, you know, to keep within our budget. 935 00:52:04,904 --> 00:52:07,863 He bought organic. He bought all organic, and-- 936 00:52:07,994 --> 00:52:11,040 but then I had an orange. And it was an organic orange. 937 00:52:11,171 --> 00:52:18,178 I want to tell you about this 'cause it was so good. 938 00:52:18,309 --> 00:52:21,877 It was-- it made me think of my father... 939 00:52:25,446 --> 00:52:28,928 and how we went to Florida when I was five 940 00:52:29,058 --> 00:52:33,062 and-- so beautiful, and just the trees-- 941 00:52:33,193 --> 00:52:36,196 and then how much work goes in to harvest-- 942 00:52:36,327 --> 00:52:39,286 you know, the UFW, United Farm Workers union 943 00:52:39,417 --> 00:52:44,465 and Cesar Chavez and the sun. 944 00:52:44,596 --> 00:52:46,946 The sun. 945 00:52:49,731 --> 00:52:51,168 And the next thing you know, 946 00:52:51,298 --> 00:52:52,995 I had eaten the whole peel and the label." 947 00:52:53,126 --> 00:52:55,128 [laughs] 948 00:52:55,259 --> 00:52:56,912 "But I looked it up on Weight Watchers 949 00:52:57,043 --> 00:52:59,698 and it's still okay, it's still no points. 950 00:53:03,049 --> 00:53:04,920 The label and the peel are free." 951 00:53:09,273 --> 00:53:11,144 [normal voice] So I had to tell her, 952 00:53:11,275 --> 00:53:13,277 "Mom, I mean, it seems I'm a much-- 953 00:53:13,407 --> 00:53:15,192 three clear rounds. 954 00:53:15,322 --> 00:53:18,064 I'm a much better person than you are." 955 00:53:18,195 --> 00:53:19,544 [imitating mother] "Oh, that's good, honey. 956 00:53:19,674 --> 00:53:23,374 Well, good for you." 957 00:53:23,504 --> 00:53:25,245 [normal voice] "Mom, I'm a much better Christian 958 00:53:25,376 --> 00:53:27,029 than you are." 959 00:53:27,160 --> 00:53:28,683 [imitating mother] "Oh, well, 960 00:53:28,814 --> 00:53:30,946 I'm so glad that you remember all those stories. 961 00:53:31,077 --> 00:53:36,038 That's good, that's good." 962 00:53:36,169 --> 00:53:39,520 [normal voice] "God, 963 00:53:39,651 --> 00:53:43,742 I'm so much better than you are." 964 00:53:43,872 --> 00:53:45,961 Except for the fact that you've raised me 965 00:53:46,092 --> 00:53:47,746 thanklessly for 18 years. 966 00:53:47,876 --> 00:53:51,184 You've allowed me to do extremely unattractive 967 00:53:51,315 --> 00:53:52,838 impersonations of you 968 00:53:52,968 --> 00:53:57,190 for another 35 years, to your face. 969 00:53:57,321 --> 00:54:00,149 And you're also not... 970 00:54:00,280 --> 00:54:01,803 [imitating announcer] ...judging me in public 971 00:54:01,934 --> 00:54:03,936 over a microphone." Hat trick, alley-oop, 972 00:54:04,066 --> 00:54:07,244 hole in one in the final seconds of the game for Marilyn. 973 00:54:07,374 --> 00:54:09,507 [cheers, applause] 974 00:54:18,646 --> 00:54:21,345 It's not-- I'm not a professional. 975 00:54:21,475 --> 00:54:23,085 You know, it's just-- it's just-- 976 00:54:23,216 --> 00:54:25,479 joy is my choreographer. 977 00:54:25,610 --> 00:54:27,046 All right. 978 00:54:31,877 --> 00:54:34,183 Um... 979 00:54:34,314 --> 00:54:37,404 So, uh, I have two hot chunks left, 980 00:54:37,535 --> 00:54:39,145 two thick slices. 981 00:54:39,276 --> 00:54:40,538 If you need to take care of yourself, 982 00:54:40,668 --> 00:54:42,409 if you need to go night-night, you know, 983 00:54:42,540 --> 00:54:46,065 uh, please go, you're okay by me. 984 00:54:46,195 --> 00:54:48,676 I know, I'm grateful that you came here at all. 985 00:54:48,807 --> 00:54:51,375 I'm grateful for the context you provide. 986 00:54:51,505 --> 00:54:54,987 Without your presence, this might seem bizarre. 987 00:54:55,117 --> 00:55:00,819 Uh... 988 00:55:00,949 --> 00:55:02,429 I'm not saying I wouldn't do it. 989 00:55:07,086 --> 00:55:08,392 Have you ever looked around your life and thought, 990 00:55:08,522 --> 00:55:13,048 "Uh-oh... 991 00:55:13,179 --> 00:55:19,751 uh, this isn't temporary." 992 00:55:19,881 --> 00:55:22,884 [grimaces] 993 00:55:23,015 --> 00:55:26,018 "This may, in fact, be who I am." 994 00:55:29,282 --> 00:55:32,633 I-- I like to think of myself as a sophisticate. 995 00:55:32,764 --> 00:55:35,767 Um, I get the New York Times 996 00:55:35,897 --> 00:55:37,856 and their ten free articles a month. 997 00:55:37,986 --> 00:55:42,034 Uh... 998 00:55:42,164 --> 00:55:45,472 but it's also true that I was recently 999 00:55:45,603 --> 00:55:47,300 on a Southwest Airlines flight, middle seat. 1000 00:55:47,431 --> 00:55:49,433 I had just tremble-spilled my Diet Coke all over myself 1001 00:55:49,563 --> 00:55:51,739 and my two new friends, 1002 00:55:51,870 --> 00:55:56,527 and I looked down and I was wearing an outfit 1003 00:55:56,657 --> 00:55:58,746 that I purchased entirely earlier that day 1004 00:55:58,877 --> 00:56:03,969 at a San Antonio, Texas, CVS. 1005 00:56:04,099 --> 00:56:07,146 Hook 'Em Horns tee, Aztec print poly legging, 1006 00:56:07,276 --> 00:56:09,278 open toe shower shoe. 1007 00:56:09,409 --> 00:56:12,499 I'd like to think that's a one-off. 1008 00:56:12,630 --> 00:56:14,109 But that's gonna happen again. 1009 00:56:14,240 --> 00:56:15,894 I enjoy a last-minute fashion binge 1010 00:56:16,024 --> 00:56:20,681 at a regional drugstore. 1011 00:56:20,812 --> 00:56:23,597 'Cause they-- they got those little crinkle shirts 1012 00:56:23,728 --> 00:56:25,382 that get so big. 1013 00:56:26,470 --> 00:56:30,125 [laughs] 1014 00:56:30,256 --> 00:56:32,606 They're doll size, but then they fit. 1015 00:56:40,048 --> 00:56:42,921 Uh, you know, you have your, uh, 1016 00:56:43,051 --> 00:56:45,489 publicized version of yourself on Instagram. 1017 00:56:45,619 --> 00:56:49,014 I don't know what your face is like on Instagram, 1018 00:56:49,144 --> 00:56:51,973 but, God, do I laugh. 1019 00:56:52,104 --> 00:56:53,714 God, I am laughing. 1020 00:56:53,845 --> 00:56:56,108 If I'm not laughing, if I'm not laughing-- 1021 00:56:56,238 --> 00:56:59,241 and I laugh-- if I'm not laughing, 1022 00:56:59,372 --> 00:57:04,072 I'm outside, okay? Okay? 1023 00:57:04,203 --> 00:57:06,684 And if I'm not laughing outside, 1024 00:57:06,814 --> 00:57:08,425 I'm with friends and family. 1025 00:57:08,555 --> 00:57:09,861 Right? 1026 00:57:09,991 --> 00:57:11,558 Friends and family. 1027 00:57:11,689 --> 00:57:12,777 That's who I am. 1028 00:57:15,997 --> 00:57:17,651 Friends and family. 1029 00:57:17,782 --> 00:57:22,395 Uh, but while I'm looking at those pictures, 1030 00:57:22,526 --> 00:57:25,180 I'm kinda trying to make 'em move 1031 00:57:25,311 --> 00:57:28,357 but they won't work 'cause the layer 1032 00:57:28,488 --> 00:57:31,491 of sriracha almond dust is so thick. 1033 00:57:36,278 --> 00:57:41,501 [groaning] 1034 00:57:41,632 --> 00:57:44,504 And I'm very much alone in a 7-Eleven. 1035 00:57:46,288 --> 00:57:47,855 So, it was no surprise when I found myself 1036 00:57:47,986 --> 00:57:51,946 on a reality show called Worst Cooks: Celebrity Edition. 1037 00:57:52,077 --> 00:57:57,169 Who's who of who? [chuckles] 1038 00:57:57,299 --> 00:57:59,563 Oh. 1039 00:57:59,693 --> 00:58:03,349 It's myself, Ian Ziering, 90210, 1040 00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:04,829 one of the kids from Modern Family. 1041 00:58:04,959 --> 00:58:06,787 I'm sorry, I didn't watch it. 1042 00:58:06,918 --> 00:58:08,920 Uh, Balki from Perfect Strangers. 1043 00:58:09,050 --> 00:58:10,269 That's a deep dive. 1044 00:58:10,399 --> 00:58:12,750 Uh, then LaToya Jackson 1045 00:58:12,880 --> 00:58:15,230 from 20th century American history. 1046 00:58:15,361 --> 00:58:19,147 [applause] 1047 00:58:19,278 --> 00:58:20,801 I lied to get on the show. 1048 00:58:20,932 --> 00:58:22,890 Eighteen-hour shoots. They said, "Can you do it?" 1049 00:58:23,021 --> 00:58:25,284 [winces] I can do four hours, 1050 00:58:25,414 --> 00:58:27,504 uh, upright and sentient. 1051 00:58:27,634 --> 00:58:29,114 Then I gotta go home. 1052 00:58:29,244 --> 00:58:30,594 Too tie-tie. Too tie-tie. 1053 00:58:30,724 --> 00:58:35,599 And, uh-- but I thought, maybe I can do one day. 1054 00:58:35,729 --> 00:58:37,818 I'm on a lot of pharmaceuticals, but I thought, 1055 00:58:37,949 --> 00:58:41,082 "Come on! 1056 00:58:41,213 --> 00:58:43,781 Come on, Bamford." 1057 00:58:46,653 --> 00:58:49,482 I made it through the first day. They didn't eliminate anyone. 1058 00:58:49,613 --> 00:58:52,267 Uh, the second day, I am losing-- 1059 00:58:52,398 --> 00:58:54,661 I start sliding down walls. 1060 00:58:54,792 --> 00:59:00,711 I-- I hid underneath the craft service table for a while, 1061 00:59:00,841 --> 00:59:06,673 and then I cut myself while gutting the monkfish 1062 00:59:06,804 --> 00:59:08,849 and I bled into my pizza, 1063 00:59:08,980 --> 00:59:11,983 and I was on LaToya's team. 1064 00:59:12,113 --> 00:59:14,942 She's am-- she's 65. 1065 00:59:15,073 --> 00:59:16,553 She looks 12. 1066 00:59:19,077 --> 00:59:21,427 I said, "LaToya, how are you doing this?" 1067 00:59:21,558 --> 00:59:22,820 And she said... 1068 00:59:22,950 --> 00:59:26,693 [high voice] "It's all in your mind." 1069 00:59:26,824 --> 00:59:29,261 Shit. Aw, shit. 1070 00:59:29,391 --> 00:59:31,089 You're gonna win. And she does. 1071 00:59:31,219 --> 00:59:32,786 You're not gonna watch it. 1072 00:59:34,179 --> 00:59:35,049 Uh... 1073 00:59:39,227 --> 00:59:40,315 We're on the same team. 1074 00:59:40,446 --> 00:59:42,579 I cut my pineapples 1075 00:59:42,709 --> 00:59:44,145 for a pineapple upside-down cake. 1076 00:59:44,276 --> 00:59:47,061 I hand-- handed them to LaToya, and she said... 1077 00:59:47,192 --> 00:59:48,628 [high voice] "They're uneven. 1078 00:59:48,759 --> 00:59:50,238 Do it again." 1079 01:00:00,858 --> 01:00:03,164 [sleepy voice] "LaToya, you know this doesn't matter." 1080 01:00:09,040 --> 01:00:10,781 And is that how I always am, 1081 01:00:10,911 --> 01:00:12,652 always making fun of things from the outside, 1082 01:00:12,783 --> 01:00:14,741 always acting like I'm doing half-assed 1083 01:00:14,872 --> 01:00:16,525 because what if that weren't true? 1084 01:00:16,656 --> 01:00:20,007 What if I was actually doing the best I possibly could 1085 01:00:20,138 --> 01:00:23,794 and I still failed miserably? 1086 01:00:23,924 --> 01:00:26,361 Hmm. 1087 01:00:26,492 --> 01:00:28,537 I did not redo the pineapple slices. 1088 01:00:30,496 --> 01:00:32,846 But I did say directly into camera 1089 01:00:32,977 --> 01:00:34,761 my favorite Teddy Roosevelt quote 1090 01:00:34,892 --> 01:00:36,850 while smashing garlic. 1091 01:00:40,158 --> 01:00:41,333 [imitating Roosevelt] "It is not the critic 1092 01:00:41,463 --> 01:00:44,989 who counts. 1093 01:00:45,119 --> 01:00:47,992 It is the man who is in the arena!" 1094 01:00:48,122 --> 01:00:50,690 [cheers, applause] 1095 01:00:55,739 --> 01:01:00,004 "Marred by blood and sweat and tears." 1096 01:01:00,134 --> 01:01:02,615 The Food Network then re-edited that to... 1097 01:01:02,746 --> 01:01:04,878 [laughing nervously] 1098 01:01:12,494 --> 01:01:14,496 The end of the second day, I'm dying. 1099 01:01:14,627 --> 01:01:17,456 I-- I asked them if I could leave 1100 01:01:17,586 --> 01:01:18,892 and they said no. 1101 01:01:19,023 --> 01:01:20,677 Eighteen-hour day. 1102 01:01:20,807 --> 01:01:25,159 So I found the youngest person I could on set, and I said, 1103 01:01:25,290 --> 01:01:30,295 [whispering] "Hello. Hello. 1104 01:01:30,425 --> 01:01:34,647 We're both powerless. 1105 01:01:34,778 --> 01:01:37,563 Um, do whatever you need to take of yourself. 1106 01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:40,609 I'm gonna start sprinting as soon as we stop talking. 1107 01:01:40,740 --> 01:01:42,089 Uh, don't worry about me. 1108 01:01:42,220 --> 01:01:43,482 I've been fired so many times before, 1109 01:01:43,612 --> 01:01:45,614 the only backlash I've ever received 1110 01:01:45,745 --> 01:01:48,574 has been an enormous rush of relief. 1111 01:01:48,705 --> 01:01:49,880 So..." 1112 01:01:52,404 --> 01:01:54,362 [cheers, applause] 1113 01:01:54,493 --> 01:01:57,844 She then did some beautiful kabuki theater 1114 01:01:57,975 --> 01:02:00,238 of, "No, Miss Bamford, please! 1115 01:02:00,368 --> 01:02:01,718 Don't!" 1116 01:02:04,808 --> 01:02:06,592 That I very much appreciated, 1117 01:02:06,723 --> 01:02:09,813 and then I wasn't fired 'cause nobody cared. 1118 01:02:12,032 --> 01:02:14,905 But, uh, third day, I'm not sure. 1119 01:02:15,035 --> 01:02:16,602 They must've said something. 1120 01:02:16,733 --> 01:02:18,691 They took me and Oscar Nuñez aside-- 1121 01:02:18,822 --> 01:02:20,345 from The Office-- and they said, 1122 01:02:20,475 --> 01:02:22,086 "Hey, uh"-- off camera, they said, 1123 01:02:22,216 --> 01:02:23,478 "Hey, you're both terrible." 1124 01:02:23,609 --> 01:02:26,612 Uh, who wants to go home the most?" 1125 01:02:26,743 --> 01:02:28,657 Ah! God, yes! 1126 01:02:31,356 --> 01:02:33,488 So, I agreed to fix a salad battle 1127 01:02:33,619 --> 01:02:36,100 against Daisy Duke, 1128 01:02:36,230 --> 01:02:39,581 Catherine Bach from Dukes of Hazzard. 1129 01:02:39,712 --> 01:02:41,975 And, you know, if you're gonna throw a fight, 1130 01:02:42,106 --> 01:02:46,371 I could've just taken a raw chicken cutlet, 1131 01:02:46,501 --> 01:02:49,374 stuffed it in a glass of water and said, "Salad." 1132 01:02:57,338 --> 01:02:58,426 But I did not. 1133 01:02:58,557 --> 01:03:00,080 And I think that's who I am, 1134 01:03:00,211 --> 01:03:03,518 as a least-known person on a Food Network reality show, 1135 01:03:03,649 --> 01:03:06,043 who does the best work when I know I've already quit. 1136 01:03:06,173 --> 01:03:11,309 And also can't make it through a third day of work, 1137 01:03:11,439 --> 01:03:12,658 even for charity. 1138 01:03:12,789 --> 01:03:14,573 Did I mention it was for charity? 1139 01:03:14,703 --> 01:03:18,882 Oh, oh, no. Oh, boy. 1140 01:03:19,012 --> 01:03:20,405 Thank goodness my charity 1141 01:03:20,535 --> 01:03:22,755 was the National Alliance for Mental Illness. 1142 01:03:22,886 --> 01:03:24,235 I know they would've said, 1143 01:03:24,365 --> 01:03:26,803 "Girl, you're on Seroquel. Go home." 1144 01:03:39,598 --> 01:03:41,339 Is that something? Should I--? 1145 01:03:41,469 --> 01:03:44,559 Okay, uh... 1146 01:03:44,690 --> 01:03:48,999 Uh, so this, uh-- this last bit, 1147 01:03:49,129 --> 01:03:52,916 um, my husband and I, we had a terrible kerfuffle 1148 01:03:53,046 --> 01:03:54,004 about two years ago. 1149 01:03:54,134 --> 01:03:56,006 It was awful, so scary. 1150 01:03:56,136 --> 01:03:58,138 We went to our therapist afterwards, 1151 01:03:58,269 --> 01:04:00,662 and she said that there's a point 1152 01:04:00,793 --> 01:04:03,448 when you're in a fight with someone where-- 1153 01:04:03,578 --> 01:04:05,972 it's called "Saturation point," where you just-- 1154 01:04:06,103 --> 01:04:07,974 you have too many emotions 1155 01:04:08,105 --> 01:04:11,456 and your blood pressure's too high and you must stop. 1156 01:04:11,586 --> 01:04:13,240 You must stop talking, 1157 01:04:13,371 --> 01:04:16,330 you must stop-- you must distract yourself. 1158 01:04:16,461 --> 01:04:18,419 Do anything, because otherwise 1159 01:04:18,550 --> 01:04:20,813 you will say or do something you regret. 1160 01:04:20,944 --> 01:04:23,685 And, unfortunately, we didn't know that before this fight. 1161 01:04:23,816 --> 01:04:27,211 Uh, ahem. 1162 01:04:27,341 --> 01:04:31,476 Uh, emotional architecture for the fight. 1163 01:04:31,606 --> 01:04:33,739 I have this voice. It's been suggested to me 1164 01:04:33,870 --> 01:04:35,306 throughout my lifetime that because of it, 1165 01:04:35,436 --> 01:04:38,657 I might be a dumb-dumb. 1166 01:04:38,787 --> 01:04:41,399 Which, it's okay if I say it, no? I don't know. 1167 01:04:41,529 --> 01:04:44,532 Uh, but, yeah, I don't want-- like seeming incompetent, 1168 01:04:44,663 --> 01:04:46,883 even though sometimes I am. 1169 01:04:50,103 --> 01:04:51,800 And, um-- and then also a spate of DJs 1170 01:04:51,931 --> 01:04:53,802 in the '90s would ask me, 1171 01:04:53,933 --> 01:04:55,065 [low voice] "Is the age you sound 1172 01:04:55,195 --> 01:04:56,805 the age you were molested at?" 1173 01:04:56,936 --> 01:04:58,807 [scattered groans] 1174 01:04:58,938 --> 01:05:02,159 [high voice] Is this where the healing begins? 1175 01:05:06,728 --> 01:05:10,645 Oh, I was, uh-- [chuckles] 1176 01:05:10,776 --> 01:05:12,909 I was touched inappropriately as a child, 1177 01:05:13,039 --> 01:05:17,304 so I'm not a fan of being touched, especially at work. 1178 01:05:17,435 --> 01:05:19,437 A lot of people do this, men and women do this. 1179 01:05:19,567 --> 01:05:21,613 Uh, it's supposed to be comforting, I guess. 1180 01:05:21,743 --> 01:05:23,528 They touch you by the small of your back, 1181 01:05:23,658 --> 01:05:24,964 guiding you places. 1182 01:05:25,095 --> 01:05:28,663 I got guided up to the stage recently. 1183 01:05:28,794 --> 01:05:30,230 "Ah! I know where it is." 1184 01:05:30,361 --> 01:05:32,929 Um... 1185 01:05:33,059 --> 01:05:35,496 If that stuff-- some people feel comforted by it-- 1186 01:05:35,627 --> 01:05:38,108 if it's something you like to do, ask next time. 1187 01:05:38,238 --> 01:05:42,373 "Hey, do you mind if I touch you around the midriff at work?" 1188 01:05:46,986 --> 01:05:49,032 And if I get the okay, then go for it. 1189 01:05:49,162 --> 01:05:53,123 Uh, so, my husband-- won't speak to his experience, 1190 01:05:53,253 --> 01:05:55,864 just that he grew up in a big family, Philadelphia. 1191 01:05:55,995 --> 01:05:58,171 There's no food 'cause somebody was drinking it all. 1192 01:05:58,302 --> 01:06:01,218 And though he had a place to live, 1193 01:06:01,348 --> 01:06:05,918 he would oftentimes, for safety, sleep in the woods. 1194 01:06:06,049 --> 01:06:08,138 Forty years later, we're trying to decide 1195 01:06:08,268 --> 01:06:11,010 where to put the new TV. 1196 01:06:11,141 --> 01:06:12,969 Uh... 1197 01:06:19,279 --> 01:06:22,717 It's a over-100 degree day in Los Angeles. 1198 01:06:22,848 --> 01:06:24,589 We just moved in together. 1199 01:06:24,719 --> 01:06:27,940 Uh, setting the scene. A little hot, tired. 1200 01:06:28,071 --> 01:06:30,464 "Shall we put the TV on the fireplace?" 1201 01:06:30,595 --> 01:06:32,814 "No, that's where the fire goes." 1202 01:06:32,945 --> 01:06:35,034 [laughs] 1203 01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:38,690 "Should we put it on that wall?" 1204 01:06:38,820 --> 01:06:40,735 "No, that's where we're gonna do improv with the dogs, 1205 01:06:40,866 --> 01:06:44,522 and the dogs can play whatever they want. 1206 01:06:44,652 --> 01:06:47,003 You know, just because we have a pug and a Chihuahua 1207 01:06:47,133 --> 01:06:50,484 doesn't mean that's always what they want to be in a scene. 1208 01:06:50,615 --> 01:06:54,662 Let them identify themselves as a baby or a package." 1209 01:06:57,578 --> 01:07:00,059 "No, all right, let's put the TV in the cozy corner." 1210 01:07:00,190 --> 01:07:01,930 "Oh, my, God. I love you so much. 1211 01:07:02,061 --> 01:07:03,976 Cozy corner is a cozy couch corner-- 1212 01:07:04,107 --> 01:07:06,892 corner-- couch corner for kissing and cuddling. 1213 01:07:07,023 --> 01:07:08,502 [smooching] 1214 01:07:08,633 --> 01:07:10,765 Scott leaves, the TV guy comes, 1215 01:07:10,896 --> 01:07:11,984 he says, "Where do you want it?" 1216 01:07:12,115 --> 01:07:14,639 I say... 1217 01:07:14,769 --> 01:07:20,384 "On the fireplace." 1218 01:07:20,514 --> 01:07:22,908 And as they're drilling two-and-a-half inch 1219 01:07:23,039 --> 01:07:25,389 diameter holes in what I now understand 1220 01:07:25,519 --> 01:07:29,480 to be a hundred-year-old sandstone fireplace-- 1221 01:07:29,610 --> 01:07:31,351 I think to myself, "Hmm." 1222 01:07:34,441 --> 01:07:36,356 Scott comes home, he says, "Where is it?" 1223 01:07:36,487 --> 01:07:39,359 I said, "Ah." 1224 01:07:39,490 --> 01:07:42,362 [gasping] 1225 01:07:45,191 --> 01:07:48,890 "Maria, we talked about this 1226 01:07:49,021 --> 01:07:54,983 for a weird amount of time. 1227 01:07:55,114 --> 01:07:58,857 Can I not trust you to get things done by yourself?" 1228 01:07:58,987 --> 01:08:04,123 He goes to hug me, but I have begun to scream-cry. 1229 01:08:04,254 --> 01:08:07,561 "Don't you touch me. Don't you dare touch me." 1230 01:08:07,692 --> 01:08:12,697 And from thence, we wrote together this song about love. 1231 01:08:15,656 --> 01:08:18,136 Oh, wait, I forgot. Is Scott in here? 1232 01:08:18,268 --> 01:08:20,531 -Scott, you here? -[Scott] What? 1233 01:08:20,661 --> 01:08:22,881 You gonna come down and sing the song with me? 1234 01:08:23,011 --> 01:08:25,057 Come on, booboo. 1235 01:08:25,188 --> 01:08:27,973 -[cheers, applause] -Yeah! 1236 01:08:28,104 --> 01:08:30,758 Yay. 1237 01:08:30,889 --> 01:08:33,631 Yeah, yeah. Look at this guy. 1238 01:08:33,761 --> 01:08:35,807 [Maria laughs] 1239 01:08:37,895 --> 01:08:40,464 Ah- ah. 1240 01:08:40,594 --> 01:08:43,640 [audience cheering] 1241 01:08:45,077 --> 01:08:46,600 Okay. 1242 01:08:46,731 --> 01:08:48,036 [laughs] 1243 01:08:48,167 --> 01:08:49,995 Should we start the song? 1244 01:08:50,126 --> 01:08:55,957 ♪ Um, I'm on the phone with my mom having lots of laughs ♪ 1245 01:08:56,087 --> 01:08:58,786 ♪ She loves all my new jokes, except for the one about Trump ♪ 1246 01:08:58,917 --> 01:09:01,049 [imitating mother] Honey, you could get on a list. 1247 01:09:01,180 --> 01:09:03,356 [normal voice] Mom, I can say whatever I want. 1248 01:09:03,487 --> 01:09:05,662 ♪ No, you can't, yes, I can ♪ 1249 01:09:05,792 --> 01:09:07,969 [imitating mother] Honey, you sound speedy. Are you manic? 1250 01:09:08,100 --> 01:09:11,973 [normal voice] Oh, fuck you! 1251 01:09:12,104 --> 01:09:14,497 ♪ It's saturation point 1252 01:09:14,627 --> 01:09:16,542 ♪ It's been 20-- [laughs] 1253 01:09:16,674 --> 01:09:23,724 [cheers, applause] 1254 01:09:23,854 --> 01:09:25,813 ♪ It's been 20 minutes we've been on the phone ♪ 1255 01:09:25,944 --> 01:09:29,555 ♪ It's saturation point 1256 01:09:29,687 --> 01:09:32,689 ♪ We both got toxic, it just got triggered ♪ 1257 01:09:32,819 --> 01:09:34,344 ♪ I'll call you tomorrow, let's just ♪ 1258 01:09:34,474 --> 01:09:37,346 ♪ Shut up 1259 01:09:37,477 --> 01:09:39,913 ♪ I'm on a trip with some girlfriends ♪ 1260 01:09:40,045 --> 01:09:43,091 ♪ So fun, New Orleans 1261 01:09:43,221 --> 01:09:45,310 ♪ Just had dinner, it's time for dessert ♪ 1262 01:09:45,442 --> 01:09:46,529 ♪ Marquetta says... 1263 01:09:46,660 --> 01:09:49,359 ♪ Hey, it's crème brulee ♪ 1264 01:09:49,488 --> 01:09:51,970 ♪ Marquetta says, "Hey, no thanks." 1265 01:09:52,100 --> 01:09:53,276 ♪ Katie says... 1266 01:09:53,406 --> 01:09:57,584 ♪ It's crème brulee ♪ 1267 01:09:57,715 --> 01:10:03,982 ♪ I say something I just read in a women's magazine ♪ 1268 01:10:04,112 --> 01:10:06,637 "Nothing tastes as good as feeling good feels." 1269 01:10:06,767 --> 01:10:08,595 "Shut the fuck up, Maria." 1270 01:10:13,644 --> 01:10:15,820 ♪ It's saturation point 1271 01:10:15,950 --> 01:10:18,866 ♪ It's been 72 hours, we've been having a girl's time ♪ 1272 01:10:18,997 --> 01:10:21,521 ♪ It's saturation point 1273 01:10:21,652 --> 01:10:24,176 ♪ We're all menopausal, we just had martinis ♪ 1274 01:10:24,307 --> 01:10:26,047 ♪ Let's just change the subject ♪ 1275 01:10:26,178 --> 01:10:28,049 ♪ there goes a blue car 1276 01:10:30,269 --> 01:10:32,140 ♪ I said things, you said things ♪ 1277 01:10:32,271 --> 01:10:33,968 ♪ We said things 1278 01:10:34,099 --> 01:10:36,362 ♪ I said things, you said things ♪ 1279 01:10:36,493 --> 01:10:38,408 ♪ We said things 1280 01:10:38,538 --> 01:10:40,845 ♪ I said things, you said things ♪ 1281 01:10:40,975 --> 01:10:42,629 ♪ We said things 1282 01:10:42,760 --> 01:10:44,762 ♪ I said things, you said things ♪ 1283 01:10:44,892 --> 01:10:46,372 ♪ We said things 1284 01:10:46,503 --> 01:10:48,287 [cheers, applause] 1285 01:10:55,555 --> 01:10:57,992 ♪ I'm on a walk with my husband ♪ 1286 01:10:58,123 --> 01:11:00,647 ♪ So in love with him 1287 01:11:00,778 --> 01:11:03,346 ♪ I tell him something I'm worried about ♪ 1288 01:11:03,476 --> 01:11:06,174 ♪ He gives unsolicited advice ♪ 1289 01:11:06,305 --> 01:11:09,308 ♪ I say, "Hey, I don't feed any feedback ♪ 1290 01:11:09,439 --> 01:11:10,918 ♪ He says... 1291 01:11:11,049 --> 01:11:15,619 ♪ What am I, a piece of meat walking beside you? ♪ 1292 01:11:15,749 --> 01:11:19,579 That's actually the definition of listening. 1293 01:11:19,710 --> 01:11:22,452 ♪ You say... 1294 01:11:22,582 --> 01:11:25,411 ♪ That's not funny 1295 01:11:25,542 --> 01:11:27,108 ♪ I bring up your 1296 01:11:27,239 --> 01:11:31,112 ♪ Dead dad 1297 01:11:31,243 --> 01:11:34,594 ♪ Saturation point 1298 01:11:34,725 --> 01:11:37,205 ♪ Let's both take our phones, let's watch animal videos ♪ 1299 01:11:37,336 --> 01:11:40,426 ♪ The one with the dog and the monkey ♪ 1300 01:11:40,557 --> 01:11:41,645 ♪ The mouse and the cat 1301 01:11:41,775 --> 01:11:44,169 ♪ The duck and the chicken 1302 01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:47,041 ♪ The turkey and the turtle 1303 01:11:47,172 --> 01:11:48,652 ♪ Let's just shut up 1304 01:11:48,782 --> 01:11:50,175 ♪ I love you, you love me, let's just ♪ 1305 01:11:50,306 --> 01:11:51,655 ♪ Shut up 1306 01:11:51,785 --> 01:11:53,265 ♪ I love you, you love me, let's just ♪ 1307 01:11:53,396 --> 01:11:55,572 ♪ Shut up 1308 01:11:55,702 --> 01:11:57,313 [imitating mother] Hey, honey, there's this great 1309 01:11:57,443 --> 01:11:59,489 new book I read about by a comedian, 1310 01:11:59,619 --> 01:12:01,099 and it just won a prize. 1311 01:12:01,229 --> 01:12:03,449 A memoir by a comedian, it won a prize. 1312 01:12:03,580 --> 01:12:04,668 [normal voice] Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. 1313 01:12:04,798 --> 01:12:07,975 Is that the daughter you wanted? 1314 01:12:08,106 --> 01:12:10,630 ♪ I love you, you love me, let's just shut up ♪ 1315 01:12:10,761 --> 01:12:12,937 ♪ I love you, you love me, let's just shut up ♪ 1316 01:12:13,067 --> 01:12:15,809 Hey, dad, what did you think of my TV show? 1317 01:12:15,940 --> 01:12:18,508 [imitating father] Ahem, what-- 1318 01:12:18,638 --> 01:12:21,162 whatever you need to do for money. 1319 01:12:28,387 --> 01:12:29,867 ♪ I love you, you love me ♪ 1320 01:12:29,997 --> 01:12:32,304 ♪ Just shut up 1321 01:12:32,435 --> 01:12:33,740 [normal voice] Uh, let's just talk about 1322 01:12:33,871 --> 01:12:35,655 something else, like how dogs-- 1323 01:12:35,786 --> 01:12:38,702 dogs-- some people say they don't like wearing hats, 1324 01:12:38,832 --> 01:12:40,356 -but I-- they do. -They do. 1325 01:12:40,486 --> 01:12:44,360 Yeah, like ours get a little smile. 1326 01:12:44,490 --> 01:12:45,709 Yeah. 1327 01:12:45,839 --> 01:12:47,188 [high voice] I love wearing a hat. 1328 01:12:47,319 --> 01:12:50,975 Did you hear that? 1329 01:12:51,105 --> 01:12:54,500 The dog said it. 1330 01:12:54,631 --> 01:12:56,197 Himself. 1331 01:12:56,328 --> 01:12:58,374 He loves wearing hats. 1332 01:12:58,504 --> 01:13:00,027 ♪ I love you, you love me. 1333 01:13:00,158 --> 01:13:01,289 Good night, thank you so much. 1334 01:13:01,420 --> 01:13:03,640 -Thank you. -[cheers, applause] 1335 01:13:25,009 --> 01:13:26,314 Thank you so much for coming out. 1336 01:13:26,445 --> 01:13:27,446 Thank you, thank you. 1337 01:13:27,577 --> 01:13:30,275 Thank you. 1338 01:13:30,406 --> 01:13:31,929 Good night, thank you so much! 1339 01:13:32,059 --> 01:13:33,321 Thank you! 1340 01:13:33,452 --> 01:13:36,629 [cheers, applause continue] 1341 01:13:42,940 --> 01:13:44,681 Thank you so much. 1342 01:13:50,643 --> 01:13:52,471 Can you guys do an example of caring and sharing? 1343 01:13:52,602 --> 01:13:54,430 Like, just with something, you know-- 1344 01:13:54,560 --> 01:13:56,083 just with your past week. 1345 01:13:56,214 --> 01:13:57,520 I'm the only one who ever brings up 1346 01:13:57,650 --> 01:13:59,609 a complaint or a concern. 1347 01:13:59,739 --> 01:14:03,090 And so your-- Marilyn never has brought up a concern. 1348 01:14:03,221 --> 01:14:04,614 Oh, that's not true. 1349 01:14:04,744 --> 01:14:07,660 Uh, so, anyway. I don't do it anymore. 1350 01:14:07,791 --> 01:14:10,533 If anybody wanted to learn more 1351 01:14:10,663 --> 01:14:13,187 about that whole business of caring and sharing, 1352 01:14:13,318 --> 01:14:16,190 they could go to a workshop at [indistinct] 1353 01:14:16,321 --> 01:14:18,062 in Northern California. 1354 01:14:18,192 --> 01:14:20,543 That's what we did, and it was pretty great. 1355 01:14:20,673 --> 01:14:22,327 But you guys don't do it. 1356 01:14:22,458 --> 01:14:23,937 Yes, we do do it. 1357 01:14:24,068 --> 01:14:25,243 You don't do the shar-- 1358 01:14:25,373 --> 01:14:27,201 the part where you say the concern. 1359 01:14:27,332 --> 01:14:30,248 But we don't have-- if we don't have a big resentment. 1360 01:14:30,378 --> 01:14:32,642 But Dad just said he stopped saying his sharing because-- 1361 01:14:32,772 --> 01:14:34,557 Because it's a one-way street, yeah. 1362 01:14:34,687 --> 01:14:36,472 -A one-way street. -Yeah. 1363 01:14:36,602 --> 01:14:39,823 -Well, okay. -[laughing] 1364 01:14:39,953 --> 01:14:43,696 I'm not gonna make anything up just to take care of him. 1365 01:14:43,827 --> 01:14:44,741 And that's that. 1366 01:14:44,871 --> 01:14:47,047 Oh, huh. 1367 01:14:47,178 --> 01:14:48,092 Well, there it is.