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[audience cheering indistinctly]
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
[announcer] Please welcome Leslie Jones!
[audience cheering loudly]
[whooping]
Yes!
[audience continues cheering]
Yeah!
What's up, DC?
[chuckles]
Oh, my gosh! That is so dope!
[audience chuckles]
Man, every time I come out,
and a bunch of white people scream at me, I just can't.
[audience laughs]
I felt like I made it!
-[audience laughs and cheers] -[Leslie laughs]
Whoo!
I mean, like, I am white-people famous, you know what I'm saying?
Yo, y'all lose your mind when y'all meet me, too.
Lose your shit!
[yelling] "Oh, my God!
Leslie Jones!"
I be like, "Bitch, we are in Starbucks. You need to calm the fuck down.
Calm down."
Black people do not react to me like that at all.
Black people think they famous in their own mind.
They're like, "Bitch, my album's out next week.
You want to get this selfie, bitch?
I am famous, too, bitch."
I love all that shit, man.
I turned 52 this weekend. Yeah!
[audience cheering]
Damn right!
Y'all know I don't care. I got my knee brace on the outside.
I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.
Y'all think I'm finna mess up the rest of my meniscus for you motherfuckers?
This is maturity. That's what this is.
This is fucking maturity.
Let me tell you something. I'm loving my life right now.
I love it.
I'm always having fun. I've always been a fun person.
But what I noticed lately, who haven't been having fun?
The fucking 20-year-olds.
Yeah, 20-year-olds, y'all suck.
Y'all are the worst 20-year-olds...
in the history of our 20-year-olds ever.
Let me tell y'all something. The nation depends on 20-year-olds.
If we go through some bad stuff, which we always do.
The nation always goes through it.
If we can still look at the 20-year-olds, and they're like...
[vocalizing]
[audience laughs]
Then we're like, "Okay, we all right."
But you look at the 20-year-olds now, and the 20-year-olds now be like...
Ahh!
[audience laughs and cheers]
"I am so offended."
You be like, "What are you offended about?
You literally only been through high school.
What's wrong, boo? You didn't catch Pikachu?
[hesitates]
Did Pikachu get away from you?"
You better enjoy your damn 20s.
Y'all out here marching.
[laughs hysterically]
That's hilarious!
Ain't nobody listening to a 20-year-old!
I never marched in my 20s.
The only marching I did in my 20s was to the liquor store.
"Yeah! Bacardi! Uh!
Tequila, tequila, tequila."
Do you think I knew who the president was...
in my fucking 20s?
Hell no!
Every 20-year-old's night should end
with glitter and cocaine.
You know what I'm saying?
Not even in that order, you know what I'm saying?
'Cause there ain't nothing like some glitter
after some cocaine!
Whoo!
Sparkly!
Any 20-year-olds in the house? Any 20-year-olds?
-[audience whooping] -Whoo.
Listless bastards.
Ain't got no freaking energy. Where your energy at?
[audience whooping]
You in your 20s? You in your 20s? You in your 20s?
You in your fucking 20s?
With that Little House on the Prairie sweater on? Are you serious, bitch?
You're in your fucking 20s?
You're in your 20s?
Oh!
I'm so mad at you right now.
Oh, I'm so fucking mad. What time is it?
You're supposed to be naked!
Oh, my God! I didn't even own one of those sweaters
until I was, like, 37.
I'm so mad at you.
I bet you got drawers on, too.
You got drawers on?
[yells] Why?
What you need drawers on?
Twenty-year-old pussy don't need no drawers!
It don't need a container!
Twenty-year-old pussy contains itself!
I am 52 years old.
My pussy is not containing itself.
[audience laughs and claps]
My pussy is like lava. You understand me?
I need a damn geologist or some Spanx in this motherfucker.
Do you understand?
Let me explain something. The 20-year-old men have fun.
Twenty-year-old men have fun in they life. Twenty-year-old men use they 20s up.
They got so much testosterone.
Like salamanders. Rip they dick off,
another one will grow right back out.
[laughter]
They will fuck you, your friend,
go home, get on Tinder, then fuck a sock.
What's your funnest night out? Please don't say tonight.
I'll jump off the stage and kick your ass in the head.
I will kill you.
I will kill you right now.
You want to hear my funnest night?
My funnest night... One of my funnest nights in my 20s, uh,
I started at work. Yeah, I was at work, uh,
doing shots in the back.
Yeah, man, I don't care about getting drunk at work,
you know, in my 20s.
I could work at any Popeyes, you know what I'm saying?
Franchise, it's a franchise.
I ended up butt naked in a Jeep Wrangler,
going around in a circle, saying, "Happy Halloween."
[chuckles]
Bitch, it was Christmas.
[audience laughs and cheers]
Best Thursday...
ever.
[yelps]
Girl, you better have fun in your 20s!
Twenty-five, your pussy fresh! Fresh, fresh, fresh!
You pull your pants down,
and an angel fly out, that motherfucker just so fresh.
[audience laughing]
Pull my pants down,
and a fire-breathing dragon coming out that motherfucker, for real, for real.
Uff, uff. Like a dungeon dragon.
[sighs]
Seriously. But, let me explain something.
When your angel turn into a dragon,
that's when you know how to fuck.
[audience cheers]
Just...
-[man in audience yells] -All the dragons.
[audience cheers]
You know, dragon keep the dick warm.
[exhales]
"Dracarys!
[exhales]
Winter's coming, bitch."
You better have fun in your 20s.
[sighs]
'Cause I had fun in my 20s. Ooh, I was so fine.
[sing-songy] Ooh! Let's have a moment of silence for that body.
[sing-songy] Ooh, it was so slutty.
'Cause I just stopped playing basketball,
so my breasts, they softened in the right place. Bam!
Ass, bam!
But I was in my 20s,
so I couldn't control my face or my pussy, so it was like...
But I was fine.
Ooh, and I was a ho.
[audience laughs and cheers]
Yas!
See how all the women are independent now.
"Yeah, that's right. I was a ho. I'm a slut. I'm a bitch. I got a t-shirt."
But back in the day, if you said you was a ho,
you had to back that shit up.
[scoffs]
You couldn't be 'bout that life...
if you wasn't 'bout that life.
And I was certified.
I used to wear ho dresses.
Ya'll remember the ho dresses?
They was like tank tops, but they was dresses?
On a good night, if you bend over the right way,
you just might see some of the coochie.
[man in audience] Whoo!
Always had weave in my hair.
So either I was just like...
But at the time,
the popular thing was the Sade ponytails.
Y'all remember Sade?
[audience mumbles]
Yeah, go downtown and get that Indian ponytail.
Sound racist as hell. I know. Listen...
Slick your hair back.
[audience exclaims]
Yas, bitch.
And I always hung around hos.
'Cause you gotta get shit done.
For real.
If your homegirl ain't willing to suck
Kanye West's dog walker's father's ex wife's
cousin's niece's father's dick...
fuck her.
That bitch ain't for the team.
And all my friends was hos. They was for the team.
I had this one homegirl. Her name was Malaika.
And she would say her name, "Me-like-a."
I'd be like, "That's not your fucking name."
But she always got us free shit. You know what I'm saying?
She got us some tickets to the after-party for the Grammys,
and I was like, "Yeah!"
Now, let me just say this first.
I'm 52, so there was different stars back then.
LL Cool J was there.
[audience cheers]
Yeah, that's when he was a rapper.
Um...
Tevin Campbell was there.
[audience cheers]
[audience laughs]
White people are like, "Who the fuck is Tevin Campbell, bitch?"
But black people are like...
-♪ Can we talk for a minute? ♪ -[audience joins in]
♪ Girl, I want to know your name ♪
[audience] ♪ Can we talk for a minute? ♪
Yeah!
[laughs hysterically]
There's some old black motherfuckers in the house!
[audience cheering]
White people are like, "We still don't know that shit.
Sing some Bon Jovi, bitch."
But that's the only song he had out anyway, white people.
I'm sorry.
And I...
was in my best ho attire.
Yes, I had on my best ho dress, that was red.
I had my freshly, new-attached ponytail
from that morning.
I had on my homegirl's shoes...
that were slightly smaller...
than my feet.
I stood up against the wall a lot.
Then my homegirl Malaika came over. She was like,
"Yo, Prince is on his way."
[audience cheers]
"Oh, I'm fucking Prince.
I am. I don't give a fuck how tall he is.
I'm going to stuff his ass in my fucking garage.
That little red Corvette is gonna get stuffed."
But as I looked at the VIP section,
I noticed there was a lot of girls around there,
and I was like, "Ooh,
I'm going to have to out-ho these hos."
So I went up against the wall...
to figure out...
how I'm gonna out-ho these hos,
and also to rest my feet some.
While I was resting,
Prince showed up...
[woman in audience] Whoo!
...in Prince fashion.
He had on, um...
[breathing heavily]
...red leather suede chaps with his ass out.
[audience cheers]
-[clears throat and exhales] -[audience laughs]
A yellow half-top, yellow fringe,
Big Bird shirt on...
with a daisy painted around his belly button...
and a big, old, white fedora with a big ostrich feather in it...
and six-inch heels.
Now y'all know if a regular person approached you like that at the club,
you'd be like, "Get the fuck away from me, you freak!
You got your man ass out in the club!
That is a man ass!
Do you know how unsanitary it is to have a man ass...
out in a club?
You just walked across my drink with your man...
ass!
Security!"
But that was Prince.
And he was beautiful.
[audience cheers and claps]
So I was on the wall.
I was thinking, "How I'mma out-ho these hos?"
Then they played my favorite song.
[audience cheers]
Prince "Gett Off."
I was like, "Oh, okay. All right, so I know how I'mma out-ho these hos."
Kicked my shoes off. I was like...
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
[audience laughing and clapping]
[cheering and clapping continues]
"Prince!"
[audience cheering and laughing]
[audience continues laughing]
[audience cheering and clapping]
[audience exclaiming and cheering]
"Prince!"
That Sade ponytail flew straight off.
[audience laughs]
[audience continues laughing]
And I know he saw it...
'cause when I looked over there, he was like...
That wasn't even the worst part.
Had to go over there to the bodyguard...
look him confidently in the face.
"Can a bitch get that ponytail?
It's over there, somewhere.
You see it, motherfucker."
I wanted to tell Prince that story when he came to SNL.
I was so excited about telling him that story,
but I think that when I was talking to him,
he thought I was Chris Rock.
I was like, "Do you think you're talking to Chris Rock?" He was like...
Enjoy your 20s, bitch.
'Cause soon you're going to be in your 30s.
[audience cheering]
Yeah, that's when you're gonna have to make them real decisions.
You're gonna have to decide if you going to stay a ho...
or clean yourself up and become a respectable young lady.
Gotta get your reputation back in your 30s.
Maybe date a pastor, you know.
Uh, maybe do some community service, you know,
instead of servicing the community.
[chuckling] That's when you become smart, in your 30s. You start...
You start realizing that...
there's no such thing as a Prince Charming. Yeah.
And you are no Sleeping Beauty.
Man, I knew I wasn't no Sleeping Beauty. I have been told several times,
"You are very unattractive when you sleep."
I couldn't be Sleeping Beauty anyway. It'd be different fucking conditions.
If I was Sleeping Beauty, it's gonna be different conditions.
First of all, the room gonna have to be cold.
Right? 'Cause you see I'm hotter than a motherfucker already.
I'm hot as fuck.
It's gonna have to be cold in there.
I don't know what the fuck is going on, but when I lay down,
I get 20 degrees hotter.
I don't know what the fuck is happening.
I don't know if I'm an X-Man, you know.
Maybe I shoot fireballs out my ass when I'm asleep.
I don't fucking know.
But it's hot, okay? It's fucking hot.
All right?
So if the prince come in my room, it's going to be a nice, balmy 45 degrees.
It's just going to be different conditions if I am Sleeping Beauty.
Like, um, I also sleep with a very fashionable apnea mask.
'Cause I don't know when the Lord really coming, so, like...
I'm 52, and the oxygen should just be right there.
Should just be right there.
Then I also, uh, wear earplugs,
'cause the shit kids upstairs don't give a fuck about my life!
I also wear a wrap cap because that's just how black women sleep.
-[grunts] -[women in audience cheer]
And I have seven blankets 'cause it's fucking 45 degrees.
So if the prince come in my room, he'll be like...
"Oh, shit,
it's colder than a motherfucker in here!
Fuck!"
He start pulling them blankets back.
He going to be like, "Oh, shit!
This is not Sleeping Beauty.
Uh, this is Shrek.
I'mma kiss this bitch anyway. It is cold."
[audience cheering and clapping]
It's hard in your 30s, even for the men.
I mean, 30-year-old men got decisions to make, too,
like who they're gonna bring home to mama.
You know, "Am I gonna bring the ho home...
or the reformed one, like a...
[chuckling] Like a dental hygienist?"
Y'all know they hos.
You can see it in their eyes.
You're like, "You used to be a ho, huh?"
[laughs]
All my homegirls is dental hygienists.
Whoo!
If them people knew where they put their fingers before that job...
Whoo!
Oh, shit.
Let me sum up your 30s for you.
Your 30s, you start off as a beautiful, bright yellow banana.
As you age through your 30s,
you start getting them brown spots.
Till you're 39, you a black-ass banana.
Only thing to do with you is to throw you out or make banana bread.
Enjoy your 20s, bitch.
Or marry a baker. [chuckles]
Whoo!
'Cause then you're gonna be in your 40s.
[audience cheering]
Denial!
You are in such denial in your 40s,
'cause you still think you can do the same things that you did
when you was in your 20s.
"Yeah, girl, I can still do that. Let me go get my knee brace."
Nope.
"Nope, not the same thing, Auntie. Come on, come on.
It's not the same thing. Come on."
I was in such denial in my 40s.
Oh, my God. [scoffs]
My 42nd birthday, I had a theme birthday party.
I was like, "42...
the new...
22."
Nope.
We all know that 22 and 42 are two different women.
Yeah, 22 got fresh pussy. Fresh! Just fresh.
They fresh like new snow.
You know how you step on snow, and it be like... [mimics snow crunching]
You know what I'm saying? Just like...
Ooh! [mimicking snow crunching]
That's 22-year-old pussy right there.
42-year-old pussy be like...
[blowing raspberry]
[coughs]
22, 42, two different women.
22-year-olds can fuck all night, and they tell you.
When you get to the door, they be like, "We gonna fuck all night."
You be like, "Why?"
"Because I can. Come on. Let's stretch."
Not no 42-year-old. You got exactly 45 minutes.
[voice shakes] And that includes us walking upstairs.
Me taking off my jewelry and checking my DVR.
We both have a light snack.
We take separate showers
[sobs] 'cause I might have to pee in the shower.
I got to call all my homegirls and tell her you not a predator.
And then I got to say my prayers.
You got seven minutes.
22-year-old prayers, 42-year-old prayers, completely different.
22-year-old prayers be like...
"Lord...
please don't let me catch any venereal diseases.
Thank God for this sweater."
42-year-old prayers be like...
"Lord...
why am I so tired?
I'm taking the vitamins like you said, Jesus.
Lord...
please don't let him catch any of my venereal diseases.
And, Lord, please don't let me have to shit right after, Father.
It is just...
It's not sexy, Lord!"
Your body break the fuck down
after you're fucking in your 40s. Your body break down.
You try to have sex after 46?
"Put my leg down! Put my leg down!
I got osteoporosis."
And no, you can't spend the night. No.
I have seven blankets on my bed.
It's too fucking hot.
And now I gotta shit.
When I shit,
I have to have the door open.
'Cause it's so fucking hot.
And I need to be able to see the clock.
I can't sit too long, or I get thrombosis. [chuckles]
Bitch, do you know what thrombosis is?
You ain't going to know none of that shit until you get my fucking age.
You gonna learn all the medical terms.
Thrombosis, osteoporosis...
Shit's so hard to say, I gotta say it in Spanish.
Cartilage, meniscus, aorta...
When I was in my 20s, I thought aorta was,
"Hey! Order me another drink."
Enjoy your fucking 20s.
'Cause then you're in your 50s.
[audience cheers]
♪ Freedom ♪
God damn right.
Man, let me tell you something. I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck what you think about me,
what you think about my clothes,
what you think about my hair.
♪ I don't give a fuck ♪
I'm making money now, too.
-Yeah. -[audience cheers]
My accountant called me, and she was like,
"Yo, man, you got to make a living trust."
And I was like, "A living trust?
What the fuck is a living trust?
'Cause I'm living, and I don't trust none of you motherfuckers.
How about that?"
I had planned on taking all that shit with me, like...
Back the motherfucking bulldozer up to the grave, bitch,
and dump all that shit in there on top of my fucking coffin.
Dump it all, hard.
Make it quarters so I can hear it in heaven.
But he was like, "You can't do that,"
and I was like, "Oh, the Egyptians did it."
He was like, "You can't do that."
I was like, "Okay, then I'll do something fucking stupid with my money.
Completely stupid. Fucking stupid."
They're like, "Don't do nothing stupid with your money. Do something good.
Like open up a school for kids."
Like, I don't give a fuck about your kids.
[chuckling] I am not LeBron.
I'm spending that shit on something completely stupid,
like build a statue of me.
You know I'm saying? And put it in the Hudson River.
Every time you take off from LaGuardia, you'd be like, "Oh, my God.
Did you see the new Statue of Liberty?"
And I'll be in the Hudson like...
Or better yet, how about...
a gigolo?
I'm gonna torture the fuck out of him, yo.
'Cause y'all know he's going to be there for my money.
I'm gonna fucking torture him like a motherfucker.
"Do you want this money, Dwayne?"
His name ain't gonna even be Dwayne.
That's his gigolo name from now on.
So every morning, I'm gonna get up, 6:30, start smoking crack.
Y'all know I don't know how... This ain't how you smoke crack.
That's how old I am, though.
I'm gonna be smoking crack.
Then I'mma be drinking that stank-breath coffee, too, just...
And I'm gonna smoke a cigar, too. Just stank, just...
I don't think that's how you smoke a cigar, either.
[chuckling] This is so fun.
So, you know I have bad knees, so I'll probably have a walker. So,
after I finish my morning activities...
then I'mma go look for him.
"Where you at, Dwayne?
Come and give mama some sugar."
We gonna be in bed. I'm gonna be like...
"You got to move the catheter to the side, Dwayne.
If you want to get to the ass,
you gonna have to take off my diaper, Dwayne!"
[laughing] Wait, wait.
[panting]
"It's my turn. Hold my teeth.
[laughing]
Why are you crying, Dwayne?
You gonna be rich."
Then I'mma die on his dick.
"I'm not dead yet! You better..."
[laughing]
That shit is so true.
[sighs] Y'all think that's why I ain't got no man?
That's so funny. Every time I say that,
the women in the audience be like, "Oh, my God! She's so fucking awesome.
She should have a man."
[exhales] But the men be like, "Yeah, that bitch ain't got no man.
That bitch look like she can fight."
I can.
[chuckling] I have.
It's hard to date Leslie Jones. Shit.
I did all that dating shit, too, all them apps, fucking Tinder,
and... Bumble, and Match, and... What's the other one?
Grindr.
Yeah, I know that's for gay men.
I ain't past tricking a gay motherfucker into fucking me, son.
It's hard times, motherfucker.
I told you, I can look like Chris Rock if you need me to.
I'm trying to make this lash...
You better ride with me, motherfucker. I'm gonna take your ass off.
I am... you know...
Yep, there it is.
If you can't ride the whole time,
get off!
That might be why I ain't got no man, too.
The last... The last, uh, uh...
relat... uh, mm...
Uh, the last...
The last... Okay, the last, uh, guy... Guy...
Let me explain, you guys. Shit.
Uh, it was a booty call that I might have took too serious.
Um, you know we do that shit.
You can't fuck me more than one time and not be my man.
We fucking on a schedule now, you know?
I love you.
It don't matter if you don't love me.
I love you!
[chuckling] It's going to work out.
My love is enough...
to keep this shit going, you know?
This motherfucker broke up with me at a dog park.
Yeah, he thought it was safe.
It was not.
This motherfucker showed up to the break-up in Crocs.
I was like, "You're gonna wear Crocs to the break-up, motherfucker?
You gonna wear Crocs to the break-up?
You gonna come break my motherfucking heart in Crocs?
In Crocs? You gonna wear Crocs to this breakup?"
Man, a booty call turned into a police call.
Whooped his ass in that park.
Can't fucking fight me in Crocs.
You can't do shit in Crocs but be a nurse or a cook.
His dogs was like, "Holy shit."
They did not jump in.
But I still love him.
[yells]
It was the texting. Fuck!
[grunts]
Who invented texting?
It wasn't a woman, no. Let me tell you.
'Cause texting shows exactly how crazy a bitch really is.
Yeah, ladies, listen right now.
You always wonder why your man calling you a crazy-ass bitch?
Go back and read some of your texts.
You will see that you are a psycho.
You know we don't appropriately use that shit.
We pick the phone up in a minute, be like, "Fuck you.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
You need to respect me.
You need to R-E-spect me.
'Cause I keep it 100."
Then we do that emoji, that 100 emoji.
"100, 100, 100."
Send.
But we women...
we're emotional.
An hour later, we're like, "I am so sorry about that text.
It was unnecessary...
and immature.
But that's why I love you, bae.
'Cause you know that I'm passionate.
Are we still gonna hook up tonight?"
Send.
'Cause it ain't like it used to be in the good old days.
You remember the good old days, the answering machine?
Oh, man, that's when stalking used to be so pure.
Like, you can call and leave a fucked up message.
"Fuck you! Fuck your mama, I'mma fuck your homeboy Tony,
and your dick small."
Call back, figure out the code, erase the message.
Do that shit six, seven times, he don't even know you crazy.
Not texting. That shit is instant. That shit go right to the motherfucker.
You can't cancel it. You can't pull it back. You can't do shit.
What we need is an app. We need an app,
so when we're talking shit like that, the app be like...
"Uh-huh.
Mmm. All right. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
You sure you want to send that shit out?
Okay. Mmm-hmm.
You are at... 85% crazy right now.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm.
We gonna send you a picture of your face and what it look like right now.
And while you texting the one that you love,
your face's not supposed to look like that."
[chuckling] And you get a picture from the app, and your face is like...
But you still send it.
'Cause it's so easy, you guys.
It's so easy to pick the phone up and be like,
"You's a bitch, and so is your mom." Send.
"I didn't have to call your mom a bitch.
Gladys is one of the nicest people...
I have ever fucking met in my life.
She's so nice. Every time I go over there, she's so fucking nice.
Please tell Gladys that I love her."
Send.
"Are you getting any of your texts?
'Cause I've been texting you all day, question marking you and shit.
That's why I don't fuck with you, 'cause you ain't shit.
You ain't worth the salt in your motherfucking bread.
I swear, fuck you and everything that you stand for.
The fucking horse you rode in on.
Fuck you, you piece of shit!"
Send.
"There I go again.
Always going the fuck off and don't know what the fuck I'm going off for.
You might be busy. You might be at work.
You might be asleep. Are you asleep?
But that's why I love you, bae.
'Cause you know I'm passionate."
Naked picture, naked picture, naked picture, naked picture.
Send.
"I'm outside."
[chuckling] Send.
'Cause we crazy!
No, fuck that. We're gonna own our crazy tonight.
If we do anything tonight with Leslie Jones,
ladies, we're gonna own our motherfucking crazy.
That's for goddamn sure.
You fucking put your fists in the air,
and you own your fucking crazy.
You tell these motherfuckers,
"I'm gonna be crazy till I die!"
[audience cheering]
Own your fucking crazy!
Fuck that shit, ladies. We're women!
We supposed to be crazy!
Just the shit that society asks of our body alone,
we should be raving, stark insane!
[audience cheering and clapping]
We got titties.
Men, they just want to suck them. They just want to...
Now, I know there's some men out there with titties.
Ew.
We have babies, ladies.
You know how fucking serious that is?
We carry a human around in our body like a fucking backpack!
Then we proceed...
[voice breaking] to push it out the smallest hole...
in our body!
Boom!
We should be able to walk around like this for six months.
Somebody asks, we be like, "Oh, yeah, I gave life.
Yeah, a human came out of my pussy.
Now I got to close it. It's gotta close now.
It needs time to close now.
You need to close it. You need to close it, like a cave.
I'm going to need more than six weeks off."
[audience cheering]
But you know what's really gangster?
We...
take...
dick.
Do you know how gangster...
it is to take a dick?
Let me explain something to you.
The strongest, meanest, biggest man in here...
Strongest, meanest, biggest man in here,
you pull a dick out on him, he'll be like, "What!"
You pull a dick out on a girl, she'll be like, "Oh, that's all you got?"
You ever took a dick, sir?
Do you know how hard it is
to take a dick, sir?
This your girlfriend?
-My wife. -Your wife, that's right.
She gotta take your dick every day, sir!
Do you know how hard it is...
to take a dick every day, sir?
She takes care of your kids and cook your fucking...
dinner!
And she still has to deal with your...
dick!
That's what makes her crazy!
[audience cheering]
[imperceptible]
He going to be nice to her for, like, a month.
We're warriors, ladies.
Okay, so now for a public service announcement.
Okay.
[sniffs]
Hi, fellas, how you doing?
Leslie Jones here. How you doing?
Hi, fellas.
Great. Thanks.
Great fellas.
[clears throat]
If you don't lift your balls...
and wash under them...
fuck you...
to the funky ball hell you deserve to go to.
You funky-ball-having-ass motherfucker.
Hey, fellas.
Fellas, hey, how you doing?
Uh, Leslie Jones.
Um...
Hey, fellas.
Hey, your nuts?
Your nuts smell like lunch meat.
You take your fucking ass to the park and play your fucking basketball,
and your nuts is sticking to the side of your fucking leg.
They're sticking to the side of your leg 'cause they're sweaty,
and they're going back and forth,
touching your asshole.
They're touching your...
asshole.
Your nuts are swinging, and they're touching your...
asshole.
Your asshole, your asshole.
They're touching your asshole.
So they stink!
And then you come home,
and you want to slap them on my face...
like I'm a fucking deli table?
No!
No, I do not want a hoagie, sir!
No!
Wash under your balls.
Wash under your balls!
That has been a public service announcement.
I have to say that this is fucking awesome.
[audience cheering]
So overwhelmed. It's so crazy where my life is right now,
and it's just fucking great.
Like, the hard work does pay off. It's fucking great,
but I'mma tell you, in my 20s...
I was so troubled in my 20s. I was like, "Fuck, man."
You know, I was having fun, partying and shit,
but I was scared for my future. I didn't know what I was gonna do.
I knew I was funny, but I didn't know what to do,
sitting at the same bus stop every day, going to the same shitty job,
and terrible shoes, just fucked up life.
You know, it's bad when you have bad shoes. [sniffs]
And I look at myself now, and I go,
I wish I had a time machine, like, to go back and tell the 20-year-old self,
"Hey, it's gonna be okay,"
and when I see it, it's such a beautiful story.
So, like, watch. Okay. So, I'm in the time machine...
and I land in Compton, right?
Okay, so the 51-year-old me get out the time machine,
and you know, I'm the 51-year-old me, you know, bomb-ass mohawk,
dope-ass shirt or jacket,
dope shoes, like...
I... do. Yeah.
So I step to the 21-year-old Leslie.
I'd be like, "Hey, 21-year-old Leslie.
Hey, how you doing? I'm 51-year-old Leslie,
and I'm here to tell you, everything's going to be okay.
Know what I'm saying? Just here to give you guidance.
First of all, you need to break up with Richard.
Second...
Um, I wish you would get better shoes...
because, like, you're fucking your feet up right now.
At 43, I have to have a surgery,
and they don't even know what to call what it is on my foot.
They just say, 'We gonna go in there and take the foot thing off.'
So, can you try to get some better fucking shoes?
Hey, and how about you eat a vegetable once in a while, you fucking cunt?
What the fuck?
You eat so fucking awful, man.
You eat chili cheese fries, like, every fucking day.
Because of you right now,
I can't eat chili, cheese, or fries.
Can you get a fucking better diet?
Damn, what'd I come here for? Uh, okay, okay.
The comedy. You're dead-on. You're funny as fuck.
I'm telling you, you just go fucking to the club,
work your ass off. It's going to happen.
You're gonna become Leslie Jones. Just do it, just fucking do it." Right?
It's inspirational. So, you know... Wait.
Before I get back in the time machine, I come back and go,
"Hey, one more thing.
Hey, tell Aaliyah,
do not fuck R. Kelly.
Do something!
Do something while you can! Don't stand there!
Do something!"
Then I get in the time machine, fly off, right?
But alas...
I love saying that. White people always get that.
But alas...
I do know that the 21-year-old Leslie would not be as receptive. [chuckles]
So that story would go completely different.
So I'm in the time machine.
I land the time machine in Compton.
I hide the time machine.
'Cause we in fucking Compton.
The 21-year-old Leslie is a fucking thug.
Seriously. Hood rat, will fight you.
You not about to just walk up on her
without her jumping and maybe hitting you first.
You just not going to run up on her.
If the 51-year-old Leslie approached me, I'd be like, "But what the...
Okay, well, who is you, though?
But who is you, though?
No, I don't recognize you.
Who is you? Who is you, though?
But who is you, though? You me?
You me?
Well, what the fuck wrong with your hair? What's that?
That's a mohawk? Bitch, you look like a bird.
Change that shit for real.
And don't be talking about Richard! I love Richard.
That's my man. I'mma have a baby with him!
Who's R. Kelly?
It's all about Michael Jackson, baby.
He fucked up, too?
Well, what kind of shoes are those?
Oh, those are Louis Vuitton shoes... Tennis shoes?
Louis Vuitton? Really?
Them is nice.
What size are those? They the same size as my foot.
That is real cool.
You gonna have to come the fuck up off of them shoes, bitch."
Now I'm running to the time machine from myself!
I get back to the fucking present, and I'm still scared.
What's gonna happen to me in the future?
I mean, like what the fuck, am I okay in the future?
So now I'm like, okay, now I wanna take the time machine to the future
and see the 91-year-old Leslie.
[audience murmurs]
Exactly. I want to see if I'm okay. So I get in, you know, the time machine,
and when I land, it's like real dusty and red. [exhales]
Real dusty.
And as soon as the door open,
the 91-year-old Leslie sitting there...
with a laser gun.
"I was expecting you.
Get your fucking ass back to your 50s and have a good life, man.
[audience cheers]
Enjoy your fucking self, dude.
You're doing great. People like you. You're funny.
You're making money. What are you doing? Enjoy yourself.
Get back there."
[mimicking laser gunshots]
"All right, I'm going, but before I go, can I ask a question?
What is this? Where are you?"
"Mars.
Do not fuck Elon Musk."
[mimicking laser gunshots]
So, what's the lesson?
You can't fix the past.
You can't see the future.
Might as well live in the present and have some faith.
-[audience cheering] -Yo, my name is Leslie Jones.
You guys have made this special...
fucking special!
Thank you so much!
[cheering and applauding]