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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[rock music plays]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[cheering and applause]

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
Jim Jefferies!

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[cheering and applause]

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[cheering and applause continues]

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Hello, Boston!

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How you doing? Thank you for that.

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Thank you for that.
You all getting fucked up?

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[cheering]

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I'm not drinking. I got water.

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-I can't drink like I used to drink. Okay?
-[audience] Aww.

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I used to drink--
I used to be a daily drinker.

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I used to be five drinks, every day,
seven days a week,

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which is 35 drinks a week.

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Which the FDA of America says
that means I'm an alcoholic.

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They say anything over 20 drinks
makes you an alcoholic.

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Bullshit.

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[laughter]

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That's less than three drinks
a fucking day.

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That's a reasonable amount
of fucking drinking.

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You can have three drinks a day.
There's nothing wrong with that.

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You don't have a problem.

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[laughter]

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Two lines of coke a day
isn't a coke problem.

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-[laughter]
-It isn't a coke problem.

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That's less than a gram a week.

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[laughter]

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You know why I stopped drinking so much
is because I cracked open a beer,

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and my son, he was five at the time,
he looked up at me, he went,

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"Daddy, are you drinking again?"

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[laughter]

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I'm like, "Where the fuck
did that come from,

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-you little...?"
-[laughter]

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Like, very clearly it was from the woman
who I gave a house to, but I was like...

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[laughter]

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So, I don't... I don't drink...
I don't drink like that anymore.

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I don't drink, 'cause I'm a good dad,
you know?

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So, what I do now is
I just drink one day a week,

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but I still get my 35 in.

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[laughter]

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That's how society has pushed me.

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[cheering and applause]

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That's why if you ever see, like, a woman

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and she's like in her mid-thirties
and it's 9:00 p.m.

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and she's all dolled up,

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but it's like she's holding her shoes
and just stumbling around

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and vomiting in alleyways,
don't feel sorry for her.

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She's just a good mom.

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[laughter]

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Found a window of fucking time.

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[laughter]

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The Queen of England
drinks four cocktails a day.

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That's eight standard drinks a day.

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That means she's
a full-blown fucking alkie.

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-Full-blown.
-[laughter]

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My question is, is she a nice drunk
or a fucking nasty drunk?

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Around cocktail three, does she start
trawling the palace, just...

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[laughter]

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"Philip!

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[laughter]

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Philip!"

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And Philip's like,
"Ah, fuck, Lizzie's at it again.

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[laughter]

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Get my Land Rover ready."

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[laughter]

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She's just trawling around, "Philip!"

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[laughter]

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She goes into one room,

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she jumps back out
with a crown on her head, "Ha-ha!

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[laughter]

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I look like the money."

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[laughter]

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I got to tell you a story right now.

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To tell this story, I have to start off
by saying that I'm lactose intolerant.

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-[woman cheers]
-That means that I will not...

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tolerate lactose.

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[laughter]

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If I eat lactose,

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40 minutes later,
and you can set your fucking watch by it,

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[laughter]

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I will shit myself.

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[laughter]

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That sounds like more
than just intolerance, doesn't it?

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[laughter]

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I shit myself.

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[laughter]

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Like, think about it right now.
So, you're all in groups, right?

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You've probably got groups of three, four
friends you're all hanging out with.

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And then you have your periphery groups.

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Like, some cunt in your group has brought
some friends from work. Right?

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And there's always one cunt
in that fucking group

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where you, like,

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you turn to one of your good friends
and you go, "Can't tolerate that guy.

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Can't tolerate him."

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But it's not like, if he comes near you,

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[laughter]

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you shit yourself.

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[laughter]

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So, my two biggest nemesisises...

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Nemesi?

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-[laughter]
-N--

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The two things that--
that I'm not good with...

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[laughter]

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are ice cream and cheese.

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Now, here's the tragedy that is my life.

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Ice cream and cheese are also
my two favorite things.

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[laughter]

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See, I wasn't always lactose intolerant.

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No, it happened to me at 35. I'm 42 now.
It happened on my 35th birthday.

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I was sitting down,
having my Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake,

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as I always request.

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I'm hoeing into it,
and then God looked at me and went,

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"How's all those atheist jokes going,
cunt?

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-Pew!"
-[laughter]

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[cheering and applause]

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So now I can't eat ice cream and cheese.
Right?

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But here's the thing.

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I still eat ice cream and cheese.

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[laughter]

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With the full knowledge
that I'm going to shit myself,

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I still fucking do it. Right?

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I-- I, actually, what I do is
if I have a heavy meal,

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I eat a scoop of ice cream afterwards

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'cause then I know
I'll shit everything out, cause...

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[laughter]

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I'm a genius, you see?

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That's the Jefferies diet.
You can fucking take that home with you.

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[laughter]

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So, I still eat ice cream and cheese,

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but I don't eat them out in the wild.

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[laughter]

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You'll never see me on a boardwalk
with an ice cream cone.

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No, no, no. I eat them at home,

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amongst people who love me
and respect me.

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Where I know where the toilet is,
I know how much toilet paper we've got,

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I'm ready to fucking go.

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[laughter]

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So, although I am intolerant of lactose,

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I still, you could argue, tolerate it.

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[laughter]

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In the same way that my dad...

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doesn't hate gay people...

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[laughter]

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he's just intolerant of them.

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[laughter]

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My father's a 78-year-old man
from rural Australia,

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and when we were growing up, I heard him
say the occasional homophobic slur.

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When he was young, uh,
being gay was a mental illness.

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He's a product of his environment.

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But two years ago,
Australia had a referendum,

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where they voted on gay marriage,
and my father voted "yes."

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And that's because I spent time
talking to him,

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going, "Dad, it's the right thing."

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And then my dad said,

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"Well, I guess they deserve to be
as miserable as the rest of us."

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[laughter]

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Now, because my father has done
this one forward-thinking thing

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in his entire life,

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my dad now thinks he is woke as fuck.

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[laughter]

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And my dad says sentences like this.

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"I've got no problems with the gays,

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they can do whatever they want,

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in their own homes,

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behind closed doors,

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as long as they don't try to involve me."

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[laughter]

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And I'm always like,
"Dad, are they trying to involve you?"

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[laughter]

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Is there a scenario...

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[laughter]

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...where there's two gay fellas
in the inner suburbs of Sydney,

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one's strapped up to a bed
with a fucking gag ball in his mouth,

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the other one's lubing up his fist,
and he's about to enter,

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and just as he's about to go in,
this fella goes...

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[muffled screaming]

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And he goes, "What's that, mate?"

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"Maybe we should try to involve
Gary Jefferies."

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[laughter]

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"Oh, that's a brilliant idea.
Why didn't I think of that?"

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He unstraps him.

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They get in their Honda Civic,
and they fucking drive.

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[laughter]

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It's a Friday night in Sydney,
it's raining,

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you've got to get around the harbor,
it's fucking-- traffic's horrendous.

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It takes them an hour 15.

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They get out to the house
where my dad lives.

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My dad's just sitting there,
watching rugby league.

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[laughter]

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He hears a knock on the door.

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[laughter]

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[laughter continues]

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"That's the second time this month.

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[laughter]

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I told you not to involve me."

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[laughter]

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Now, I was, uh, touring in Sydney
earlier this year,

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and I did that routine.

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My father was in the audience,

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and he'd brought along
all of his bowling friends.

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My father plays lawn bowls, uh, every day,

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uh, which is like, uh, curling
but with a ball and...

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You'll figure it out.

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Anyway... So he brought
these, like, eight mates,

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and all of his mates were aged
between 70 and 90. Right?

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All these blokes fucking went along.

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And then my dad came backstage,
they're all sinking piss backstage.

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My dad comes up to me and goes,
"Yeah, I enjoyed the show.

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Yeah, it was a good show. Good show.

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Different jokes you're doing now.

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Uh...

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I didn't like that bit about me
and the two gay fellas.

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-I didn't."
-[laughter]

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And I didn't understand why,

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and it turned out the reason
he was upset,

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not because I spoke about him
maybe having sex with two men,

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but because his friends found out
that he voted "yes" for gay marriage.

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[laughter]

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And now...

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And now all of his mates
take the piss out of him, right?

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Every time they go to do their shoelaces,
they're like,

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"Will you marry me, Gary?"

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[laughter]

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That's the thing about my dad, man,
he's trying.

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At his age, he's still trying
to be progressive

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and all that type of stuff.

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And here's the problem,
with young people, right.

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So... so, he's backstage,

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he's having a few beers,
he's voted yes for gay marriage.

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Everyone's teasing him a bit.

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And then my dad, at 78, says,

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"Oh, yeah, I'm good with the gays,
I like the gays."

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And then he goes, "I don't know
about those trans people."

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And then a person I know started going,

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"Well, you're transphobic.
You're transphobic."

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And I was like, "All right,
everyone settle the fuck down.

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[laughter]

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Settle down."

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And I said, "This guy just got used
to gay people yesterday.

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[laughter]

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Let him have his fucking victory lap.

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You're going to scare him off, you cunt."

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[laughter]

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Like, let him be old, you cunt.

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He goes like this, "Gay people are okay."

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And then you go, "Chicks with dicks,"
and he's like, "Fuck off."

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[laughter]

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This is the thing about being progressive

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and being woke
and all that fucking bullshit, right?

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The-the-the young generations,
the millennials,

253
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,447
what you're missing out on is...

254
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,741
Let old people be fucking old, right?

255
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,494
They'll be dead soon enough, right?

256
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:45,830
Stop fucking making everyone move

257
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:48,332
as fast as you're fucking moving,
all right?

258
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,418
People are trying. Right?

259
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,461
Here's the thing about millennials.

260
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:57,758
You're the worst people
that have ever lived.

261
00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:59,343
[laughter]

262
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:01,762
-[cheering and applause]
-You're the worst.

263
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:05,307
You're just a horrible breed of people.

264
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,476
And I don't even blame you,

265
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,562
it's just the society you're in.

266
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:10,938
You have social media.

267
00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:14,692
Every single peanut fucking thought
that ever came into your head,

268
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:16,777
"I'll fucking comment..."

269
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,821
[laughter]

270
00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:23,617
What type of fucking low-rent cunts
are you?

271
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:24,910
[laughter]

272
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:26,412
Like...

273
00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:30,332
if you take more
than three selfies a week,

274
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,501
fucking end it. End it.

275
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,461
[laughter]

276
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,671
[cheering and applause]

277
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:36,589
All right?

278
00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:38,466
[cheering and applause continues]

279
00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:42,595
The idea that you think
taking a photo of yourself,

280
00:12:42,678 --> 00:12:44,597
isn't there something
mentally wrong with that?

281
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,766
And it's not just...
That's-- That's bad.

282
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:47,933
That's bad as it is.

283
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:51,103
But the fact that when you take
that photo, your next thought is,

284
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:53,731
"Other people might want to see this."

285
00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,399
[laughter]

286
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:02,656
You're the fucking worst. I...

287
00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:04,992
I've tried dating you people.

288
00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:07,703
It's a fucking nightmare, right?

289
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,706
I don't care how smooth
your fucking skin is,

290
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:14,251
I'll take an old person with a better
fucking attitude, you pricks.

291
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:15,920
[laughter]

292
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,296
[cheering and applause]

293
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,008
You know, you date a millennial...

294
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,219
I used to have nice outings.

295
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:25,971
You used to go to a beach,
and you'd watch the sunset.

296
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:27,640
No, fuck that.

297
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:31,602
Sunsets are ruined because you cunts
all want to do yoga poses

298
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:35,189
while I stand back here, going,
"Did I do a good photo?"

299
00:13:35,272 --> 00:13:36,774
[laughter]

300
00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,984
Heaven forbid I walk past a wall

301
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,861
where someone's painted
some fucking wings on,

302
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:43,155
that's my whole day fucking ruined.

303
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,657
[laughter]

304
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,538
See, here's the thing about you.
You are...

305
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:54,166
the most progressive generation
that's ever been. That is true.

306
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:57,169
You are the most progressive generation
that's ever been.

307
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,838
But here's something for you.

308
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,756
Every generation before you

309
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:05,886
has also been the most progressive
generation that's ever been.

310
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:08,180
You're not fucking special.

311
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:09,557
-[laughter]
-[woman] Yeah!

312
00:14:10,891 --> 00:14:14,979
One day, and you don't even see it coming,
in about 40 years' time,

313
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,940
you're gonna be the old bigots.

314
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:19,024
[laughter]

315
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,194
You don't see it coming, do you?
You'll be the old bigots.

316
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,154
You'll be standing around
with your friends,

317
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:27,241
going, "I don't understand the kids today.

318
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:32,454
When I was young, women had penises
and men had vaginas,

319
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:35,457
and it was all very normal.

320
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,001
[laughter]

321
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:41,088
But my grandson says
he identifies as an Asian woman

322
00:14:41,171 --> 00:14:44,174
who wants to be a black man
and marry a fucking robot,

323
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:45,509
and I'm not having it."

324
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,219
[laughter]

325
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:52,808
So my point is...

326
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,562
I can't eat cheese.

327
00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:58,272
[laughter]

328
00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:00,482
So...

329
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:03,611
[cheering and applause]

330
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:07,865
I can't. I can't. It's not good for me.

331
00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:09,033
So...

332
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,243
So, I-I went on a date with this girl.

333
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,954
I went maybe six or seven dates with her.

334
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,291
And I took her out to one of those
tasting menu restaurants.

335
00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:19,793
You know, those fancy restaurants,
Michelin-star thing,

336
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:22,880
where there's, like, 11 or 12 courses.
This is a good move.

337
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:25,341
For any young fella out there
who wants to take a girl out,

338
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:26,634
take them to a tasting menu,

339
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:27,760
because if you're like me,

340
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:30,554
I eat my food too quick,
and then I've got to sit there

341
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:32,681
and watch them try to, you know...

342
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:36,518
Then I think, "How much of that
am I gonna get to eat?" You know?

343
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,437
And if you go to a tasting menu,

344
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,065
the brilliant thing about going
to a fancy restaurant is that

345
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,233
the conversation never stops.

346
00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:45,986
Because there's so many courses
that you can go,

347
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,446
"I liked that course.

348
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,615
I didn't like course number three,

349
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:53,077
but I enjoyed seven,
so I wonder what's up next."

350
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,162
It's a good way of keeping things going.

351
00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:56,789
-[laughter]
-Now...

352
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,541
I tried to do...

353
00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:03,087
I tried to do this routine in Kansas.

354
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,464
Very hard to explain...

355
00:16:05,547 --> 00:16:07,174
[laughter]

356
00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:10,386
...what a really good meal's like.
They fucking...

357
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:12,137
They couldn't wrap their brain around it.

358
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,975
I was like, "You know when you go to one
of those really fancy restaurants?"

359
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:18,143
[laughter]

360
00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:21,855
And I went, "Think about the best meal
you've ever had."

361
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,899
And then one guy yells out, "Ribs!"

362
00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:25,275
And I was like,

363
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,987
"Yeah...
Yeah, ribs are good.

364
00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,697
[laughter]

365
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:32,950
But think of a meal
that's even better than ribs."

366
00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:35,285
And he thought about it and he went,

367
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,788
"Two ribs!" And I went, "Yeah."

368
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:38,872
[laughter]

369
00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:41,166
So these restaurants...

370
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:45,838
they're pretentious as fuck, right?

371
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:50,718
Every-- Every dish includes a foam,
a reduction,

372
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,344
and a mousse.

373
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,139
And there's always a quail's egg

374
00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:56,849
and a truffle.

375
00:16:57,474 --> 00:17:00,853
Always with a quail's egg.
Why can't they use a fucking chicken egg?

376
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:01,937
[laughter]

377
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,815
Every time I go to the supermarket,
I always go to the poultry.

378
00:17:04,898 --> 00:17:08,485
I'm never like, "Oh, quail or chicken,
what will we eat tonight?"

379
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,822
Where the fuck are they buying
all the quails' eggs?

380
00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,157
[laughter]

381
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,826
And come to think of it, I'm not sure...

382
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:18,954
if I've ever seen a quail.

383
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,040
[laughter]

384
00:17:21,915 --> 00:17:26,670
I've never been out and gone,
"Ah, fuck me, the quails are out tonight.

385
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,130
[laughter]

386
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:31,759
Better get the car in the garage,
don't want it covered in quail shit.

387
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:33,260
fucking quails."

388
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,513
So it's always a reduction, a mousse,
and a foam,

389
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,974
next to a quail's egg
with a truffle on top.

390
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:43,812
And the first course is always called
the amuse-bouche.

391
00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:46,440
The amuse-bouche is never on the menu.

392
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:49,151
And what this is in fancy food
is you eat that,

393
00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:53,489
and that's meant to make you realize
what the rest of the meal might be like.

394
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,408
It's to make you go, "Oh, we're eating.

395
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:57,326
Oh.

396
00:17:57,409 --> 00:17:58,327
[laughter]

397
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,662
I get what's going on.

398
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:04,500
This is a small portion of bigger things."

399
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,836
It's like if before you came to the show,

400
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,547
you all went
to a smaller comedy club tonight

401
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,716
and watched someone do a five-minute set.

402
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,261
So you could go,
"I get what Jim's gonna do."

403
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,679
[laughter]

404
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:21,266
And there's always some French cunt
who's the waiter.

405
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,685
[laughter]

406
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:27,397
I can say this on Netflix, the French are
a bunch of cunts. I'm not sure if...

407
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,149
[laughter]

408
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,692
Are you even watching it?

409
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,653
-On your French Netflix?
-[cheering]

410
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:34,113
[applause]

411
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:37,825
Anyway, so there's always a French fuck.

412
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,034
[laughter]

413
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,871
He walks out, and the first course
is always served

414
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,957
on, like, a ceramic white spoon,

415
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,543
with the reduction, the mousse,
and the foam,

416
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:50,003
and the quail's egg, and something on top.

417
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:53,465
And he walks up to you,
and he's very patronizing, and he goes,

418
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:56,426
"Okay, now it's time
for the amuse-bouche."

419
00:18:57,219 --> 00:19:00,222
And then he goes,
"The chef has prepared this for you."

420
00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:04,601
And you always... you always nod along,
like, "Oh, that's good, the chef,"

421
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:07,229
when you really should just be an asshole
to him and just go,

422
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:09,439
"The chef, you say?

423
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,650
[laughter]

424
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:14,820
Did you hear that, honey?
The chef's doing the cooking today.

425
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:16,780
[laughter]

426
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:20,659
I thought the busboy had just fucking
stepped it up a gear, but fuck me,

427
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,619
I think we're in for a treat."

428
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:23,912
[laughter]

429
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:27,166
And then he has the audacity
to tell you how to eat it.

430
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:33,672
He goes, "Uh, the chef recommends
that you put the spoon in your mouth

431
00:19:33,755 --> 00:19:35,549
and you eat it all in one bite,

432
00:19:35,632 --> 00:19:36,633
and let the quail's egg

433
00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:39,344
explode over the foam, the mousse,
and the reduction,

434
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,138
and then you swallow."

435
00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:42,181
"All right."

436
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,432
When you should really go,

437
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,851
"Thank fuck you came along, cunt.

438
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,102
[laughter]

439
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,813
I wouldn't have known what to do.

440
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:51,273
[laughter]

441
00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:53,483
A spoon, you say?

442
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:55,402
A spoon? I would've..."

443
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,155
[laughter]

444
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:05,954
[chuckles]

445
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,165
So then you go through that,

446
00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:10,334
then you get a couple more courses.

447
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:12,836
Then there's always a course
that involves something...

448
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,881
The ingredients they use
aren't the ingredients

449
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,674
that you want to fucking eat, right?

450
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:21,303
If you were to buy a pork product
in a supermarket

451
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:24,640
and you were spending money,
it would be, like, a pork loin

452
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:25,724
or a chop, right?

453
00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:29,561
In these restaurants, it's always like,
"This is the kidney of the thing

454
00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:32,022
and the fingernail of the hoof.

455
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:36,652
And... and you are getting the rind
from the pig's eye,

456
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:39,112
the eye socket of the pig."

457
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:43,242
And you're like, "Oh, I haven't got enough
socket in my fucking diet."

458
00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:45,869
At the end you're like,
"I'm eating bone marrow,

459
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,914
I didn't know what a bone marrow fan
I fucking am."

460
00:20:49,873 --> 00:20:53,085
And it's all shit.
It's all fucking bad for you.

461
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:55,003
[laughter]

462
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,047
I always... I always feel fatter after...

463
00:20:57,130 --> 00:20:59,675
This is the deal, right?
I'm recording a special right now,

464
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:02,219
so I've dropped, like,
seven pounds in a week,

465
00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:05,722
by just not fucking eating,
just not fucking eating, and...

466
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,810
I come from a long line of fat people.

467
00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:12,020
Right? I come from fat people.

468
00:21:12,604 --> 00:21:16,358
The reason I... I lose weight
is because of you,

469
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:19,778
the general public,
and your comments on the internet.

470
00:21:20,153 --> 00:21:21,655
[laughter]

471
00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:24,533
Without you and your words of wisdom,

472
00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:25,784
I'd be a fat fuck,

473
00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:29,162
but thank God you all come along,

474
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:32,082
and you fucking bully the fuck out of me.

475
00:21:32,165 --> 00:21:34,376
[laughter]

476
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:37,170
See, I'm not... I'm not for fat shaming,

477
00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:39,673
-but I kind of am, I kind of am.
-[laughter]

478
00:21:39,756 --> 00:21:41,800
I'm not for any shaming, really,

479
00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:46,179
but I don't know why
we've gotten to this moment in society

480
00:21:46,471 --> 00:21:49,725
where fat people are immune
to being shamed,

481
00:21:49,808 --> 00:21:53,020
yet every other addiction
in our society is shamed.

482
00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:56,898
I watched my mother eat herself to death.
I fucking watched it.

483
00:21:56,982 --> 00:22:00,569
She hid food, she fucking kept on eating,
she denied what she was doing,

484
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:02,279
and she fucking died from it, right?

485
00:22:02,362 --> 00:22:03,488
I watched it happen.

486
00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:06,450
But for some reason,
we have to look at fat people and go,

487
00:22:06,533 --> 00:22:09,369
"You be your best self,
you're looking great."

488
00:22:09,911 --> 00:22:13,957
Every other fucking addiction
in our society, we shame.

489
00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:17,252
You smoke a cigarette...
You don't think smokers feel shame?

490
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:20,630
You don't think smokers are breathing
fucking smoke into their lungs, going,

491
00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:22,215
"I'm a piece of shit.

492
00:22:22,507 --> 00:22:25,927
I'm a parent,
what the fuck am I doing with my life?"

493
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:29,264
We don't need you to go, "You smell.

494
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,099
[laughter]

495
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,727
You're killing yourself, go outside.

496
00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:34,686
[laughter]

497
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:37,272
There's a section for people like you."

498
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:38,940
[laughter]

499
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:41,568
Like fucking cocaine addicts.

500
00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:43,362
You don't think they feel shame?

501
00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:46,073
Every time a cocaine addict has a line,

502
00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:49,576
they literally have to look at themselves
in the fucking mirror.

503
00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:51,328
[laughter]

504
00:22:54,456 --> 00:22:58,293
You don't compliment a fucking meth addict
who's picking scabs off their face, like,

505
00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:00,003
"You be you.

506
00:23:00,087 --> 00:23:01,463
[laughter]

507
00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:03,590
You're living your best life."

508
00:23:04,132 --> 00:23:06,843
No, but eating, we have to watch people
get fat as fuck

509
00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:08,762
and compliment them? Fuck off.

510
00:23:09,638 --> 00:23:13,725
Should be the same as smoking.
A fat cunt comes into a doughnut store,

511
00:23:13,809 --> 00:23:15,852
the person behind the counter
should be able to go,

512
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:18,271
"You're gonna have to eat that outside."

513
00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:19,815
[laughter]

514
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:22,567
They'll go outside with their doughnut...

515
00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:24,111
Aww.

516
00:23:24,194 --> 00:23:26,321
And they'll have
a little roped-off section.

517
00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:29,116
Let's make it small,
give them a fucking incentive.

518
00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:30,867
[laughter]

519
00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:32,828
They can stand out there
with the other fatties

520
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,621
and look at each other and go, "Oh."

521
00:23:34,704 --> 00:23:35,914
[laughter]

522
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:38,917
"Do you remember when we were allowed
to eat on planes?"

523
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,293
[laughter]

524
00:23:46,675 --> 00:23:50,178
So, anyway, then we go on
through the menu, course number five.

525
00:23:50,679 --> 00:23:53,723
Now, these fancy restaurants
always have a foie gras course.

526
00:23:53,807 --> 00:23:55,767
Foie gras, it's fucking delicious.

527
00:23:55,851 --> 00:23:58,603
I didn't know what it was for years.
I just enjoyed it.

528
00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:02,065
It's this buttery, fucking fleshy thing.
It's delicious.

529
00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:05,777
And then someone showed me a video.
Do you know how they make foie gras?

530
00:24:05,861 --> 00:24:09,364
They get a goose,
then they step on its fucking feet,

531
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:11,950
and then they pull the goose's neck up,
like this,

532
00:24:12,033 --> 00:24:14,578
and they get what's called
a foie gras funnel,

533
00:24:14,661 --> 00:24:16,455
which is like a funnel
with a big, long tube,

534
00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:18,331
and they shove it down the goose's throat

535
00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:21,001
until the goose looks like
a fucking sword swallower.

536
00:24:21,084 --> 00:24:21,918
[laughter]

537
00:24:22,002 --> 00:24:26,006
And then they force-feed the goose grains,
day and night, right?

538
00:24:26,089 --> 00:24:29,009
And then after that,
they wire the goose's mouth shut

539
00:24:29,092 --> 00:24:31,261
so it can't vomit the food back up.

540
00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:35,724
Because of doing this,
the goose gets cirrhosis of the liver,

541
00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:38,935
and the liver gets fat and yellow,

542
00:24:39,019 --> 00:24:41,480
and that's what gives it
that buttery taste.

543
00:24:41,563 --> 00:24:43,106
[laughter]

544
00:24:47,694 --> 00:24:49,404
My big question is...

545
00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:50,906
[laughter]

546
00:24:52,199 --> 00:24:54,826
...who was the first cunt
to figure that out?

547
00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:56,244
[laughter]

548
00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:57,704
Who...

549
00:24:58,205 --> 00:25:02,042
Who was the first bloke
just to walk up to his mates and just go,

550
00:25:02,125 --> 00:25:02,959
"Hey, guys...

551
00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:04,252
[laughter]

552
00:25:06,254 --> 00:25:08,256
I was torturing geese...

553
00:25:08,340 --> 00:25:09,591
[laughter]

554
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:12,511
...as I always do...

555
00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:13,970
[laughter]

556
00:25:15,138 --> 00:25:19,351
...and you would not believe
the delicious side effects."

557
00:25:19,434 --> 00:25:20,810
[laughter]

558
00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:25,982
Now, I don't believe in animal cruelty,

559
00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:30,362
uh, but-- but who here, uh, thinks
that we should no longer test on animals?

560
00:25:30,445 --> 00:25:31,780
[cheering and applause]

561
00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:32,822
All right!

562
00:25:33,573 --> 00:25:36,576
-They're what we call fucking idiots.
-[laughter]

563
00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:40,539
If you're a fucking moron
who just applauded,

564
00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:44,501
"There should be no animal testing,"
you fucking basic cunt.

565
00:25:44,584 --> 00:25:46,253
[laughter]

566
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:49,422
Now, I don't think we should
test on animals

567
00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:52,884
for something as frivolous as makeup.

568
00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:55,804
But when it comes to medicine,

569
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:58,139
what's our fucking other option?

570
00:25:58,765 --> 00:26:03,478
Let's just think of something
really simple, like acne cream. Right?

571
00:26:03,562 --> 00:26:05,772
You can't just get a cucumber...

572
00:26:06,606 --> 00:26:08,108
[laughter]

573
00:26:08,191 --> 00:26:11,194
...smear the cream on the cucumber
and go,

574
00:26:11,611 --> 00:26:14,030
"No change to cucumber.

575
00:26:14,114 --> 00:26:15,949
[laughter]

576
00:26:16,032 --> 00:26:17,534
Ready for people."

577
00:26:17,617 --> 00:26:18,994
[laughter]

578
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:23,623
No, you've got to start with a mouse,
don't you?

579
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:26,376
Smear it on the mouse,
that mouse dissolves.

580
00:26:26,459 --> 00:26:28,169
[laughter]

581
00:26:30,088 --> 00:26:32,257
"First cream not good."

582
00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:33,925
[laughter]

583
00:26:35,302 --> 00:26:36,720
Then you get another cream.

584
00:26:36,803 --> 00:26:40,098
That mouse fucking multiplies
like a mogwai hit with water.

585
00:26:40,181 --> 00:26:41,182
[laughter]

586
00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:43,852
"Better...

587
00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:45,020
[laughter]

588
00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:46,605
...than first cream.

589
00:26:46,688 --> 00:26:47,647
[laughter]

590
00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:48,648
Still...

591
00:26:49,399 --> 00:26:50,358
not good."

592
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:51,860
[laughter]

593
00:26:51,943 --> 00:26:55,113
Then you get one where it works.
Then you go, "That one's good."

594
00:26:55,196 --> 00:26:56,364
Then you get a rat.

595
00:26:56,781 --> 00:26:58,033
Then you get a rabbit.

596
00:26:58,116 --> 00:27:00,994
Then you get a cat, then you get a dog,
then you get a primate,

597
00:27:01,077 --> 00:27:04,039
then you get a homeless person, a student,
then us.

598
00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:04,998
[laughter]

599
00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:10,003
And that's how we have the medicine.

600
00:27:10,086 --> 00:27:10,920
[laughter]

601
00:27:11,004 --> 00:27:14,382
So moving on,
we go to fucking course number six.

602
00:27:14,966 --> 00:27:16,718
The waiter brings up a cart.

603
00:27:17,344 --> 00:27:19,137
This thing has a dome on the top.

604
00:27:19,846 --> 00:27:22,265
And he rocks up with this fucking thing
with the dome.

605
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:25,477
He carried all the other food,
but this thing needs a trolley.

606
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:26,645
[laughter]

607
00:27:27,145 --> 00:27:30,607
And he pulls it off
and there's all these cheeses there.

608
00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:34,861
And he goes, "Your next course
is the fromage," like that.

609
00:27:34,944 --> 00:27:36,780
The fro... Actually, I don't like that.

610
00:27:37,697 --> 00:27:39,574
I don't like that the cunt
called it fromage.

611
00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:41,034
[laughter]

612
00:27:41,117 --> 00:27:43,370
I know it's a little thing,
but it bothers me.

613
00:27:43,828 --> 00:27:46,873
He was just doing it
to Frenchie the fucking experience up.

614
00:27:46,956 --> 00:27:48,249
[laughter]

615
00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:52,337
He could've said "cheese,"
he knows the fucking word's cheese.

616
00:27:52,420 --> 00:27:56,424
Everything else he said in English,
and then he had to say fucking fromage.

617
00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:58,051
-Fuck that cunt.
-[laughter]

618
00:27:58,134 --> 00:27:59,678
You're telling me...

619
00:27:59,761 --> 00:28:02,138
You're telling me that he's, uh...

620
00:28:02,222 --> 00:28:04,683
he's learned the entire English language

621
00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:06,851
but he's just one word short?

622
00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:07,769
[laughter]

623
00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:09,813
I don't like that.

624
00:28:11,648 --> 00:28:14,442
I'll be honest with you here,
and this is being recorded,

625
00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:16,778
and I'm happy to say this
to the whole world.

626
00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:20,615
My most hated group in society...

627
00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:22,909
is Italian Americans.

628
00:28:22,992 --> 00:28:23,952
[laughter]

629
00:28:24,035 --> 00:28:25,912
[cheering and applause]

630
00:28:28,331 --> 00:28:29,165
And...

631
00:28:29,249 --> 00:28:31,376
And... And... Look, this is a comedy show,

632
00:28:31,459 --> 00:28:35,296
so if there are any Italian Americans
in the room with us this evening,

633
00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:37,841
please know that you're not welcome.

634
00:28:37,924 --> 00:28:39,926
[laughter]

635
00:28:40,009 --> 00:28:41,761
[whistling and applause]

636
00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:44,806
You're a fucking painful bunch of people.

637
00:28:44,889 --> 00:28:46,141
[laughter]

638
00:28:46,224 --> 00:28:47,434
Pick a fucking accent.

639
00:28:47,517 --> 00:28:50,687
Either go Italian or go American,

640
00:28:50,770 --> 00:28:52,772
-but don't flip-flop.
-[laughter]

641
00:28:53,189 --> 00:28:56,401
You'll be in an Italian restaurant,
the waiter will seem normal,

642
00:28:56,484 --> 00:28:58,820
and then he'll fucking change, right?

643
00:28:58,903 --> 00:29:00,905
You'll be in an Italian restaurant,
the guy will go,

644
00:29:00,989 --> 00:29:02,866
"Hey, enjoying your meal?
It's good, right?

645
00:29:02,949 --> 00:29:05,785
My mother, she used to make it
with the mozzarell..."

646
00:29:05,869 --> 00:29:06,828
And you're like...

647
00:29:06,911 --> 00:29:08,788
[laughter]

648
00:29:08,872 --> 00:29:12,167
"What the fuck happened
to that word, cunt?" You...

649
00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:15,211
It's like he had a fucking stroke
in the middle of the fucking word.

650
00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:16,671
Mozzarell...

651
00:29:17,213 --> 00:29:18,047
Fuck you.

652
00:29:18,131 --> 00:29:19,257
[laughter]

653
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,012
That's why I got to give it up
for the Asians.

654
00:29:25,388 --> 00:29:26,848
I like the Asians.

655
00:29:26,931 --> 00:29:27,766
[cheering]

656
00:29:27,849 --> 00:29:30,727
They pick an accent,
and they fucking stick to it.

657
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:32,020
[laughter]

658
00:29:32,479 --> 00:29:36,357
The Asians either go full Asian,
or they go full American.

659
00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:38,276
They don't go back and forth.

660
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:39,360
[laughter]

661
00:29:39,444 --> 00:29:42,822
You'll never be in an Asian restaurant
and have the waiter walk up and go,

662
00:29:42,906 --> 00:29:45,533
"Hey, you enjoyed that? You should try it
with some soy-soy."

663
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:46,826
No, they never do that.

664
00:29:47,202 --> 00:29:48,411
[laughter]

665
00:29:51,664 --> 00:29:54,834
So kudos, Asians. Kudos.

666
00:29:54,918 --> 00:29:56,753
[cheering]

667
00:29:58,505 --> 00:30:03,051
Anyway, so he rocks up
with his fucking cart of cheese.

668
00:30:05,929 --> 00:30:09,390
There's some soft cheeses there,
some Camemberts

669
00:30:09,474 --> 00:30:11,851
and Bries and whatnot.

670
00:30:14,229 --> 00:30:16,981
The most dangerous cheeses of them all.

671
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:18,358
[laughter]

672
00:30:23,112 --> 00:30:24,364
And I look at the cheese.

673
00:30:24,447 --> 00:30:27,450
And now, this-- this girl,
she does not know of my condition.

674
00:30:27,534 --> 00:30:29,285
[laughter]

675
00:30:30,036 --> 00:30:32,789
And I look at the cheeses,
I look up at him, and I went,

676
00:30:33,122 --> 00:30:34,207
"How long...

677
00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:36,292
[laughter]

678
00:30:36,376 --> 00:30:38,002
...is the rest of the meal?"

679
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:39,420
[laughter]

680
00:30:41,214 --> 00:30:44,759
And he said, "Uh, maybe, uh, 20 minutes."

681
00:30:45,301 --> 00:30:48,179
I went, "Twenty minutes,
I've got a 15-minute drive.

682
00:30:48,263 --> 00:30:49,889
[laughter]

683
00:30:52,475 --> 00:30:53,560
Fromage me."

684
00:30:53,643 --> 00:30:55,270
[laughter]

685
00:30:57,564 --> 00:31:01,109
And I got myself a big plate of cheese,
and I fucking caned that cunt.

686
00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:02,902
I fucking ate all that.

687
00:31:02,986 --> 00:31:06,155
We got another couple of courses,
they have two dessert courses.

688
00:31:06,239 --> 00:31:08,992
One of the courses, the dessert courses,

689
00:31:09,075 --> 00:31:11,369
might as well have just been called
"lactose."

690
00:31:11,452 --> 00:31:13,413
[laughter]

691
00:31:14,747 --> 00:31:17,500
It was a lactose crumble,
next to a lactose foam,

692
00:31:17,584 --> 00:31:20,003
with a lactose reduction,
with a scoop of ice cream,

693
00:31:20,086 --> 00:31:23,339
then they freeze-dried
some lactose crumble table-side

694
00:31:23,423 --> 00:31:24,716
and sprinkled it on top.

695
00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:28,177
And I looked at it, and I was like this,

696
00:31:29,095 --> 00:31:30,972
"In for a penny, in for a pound."

697
00:31:31,347 --> 00:31:32,974
[laughter]

698
00:31:35,768 --> 00:31:38,605
And I ate that bowl of lactose as well.

699
00:31:38,688 --> 00:31:41,316
Now, what I didn't mention is
the girl I'm on the date with,

700
00:31:41,399 --> 00:31:42,942
she is a very petite girl.

701
00:31:43,318 --> 00:31:45,820
She had given up around course six.

702
00:31:45,904 --> 00:31:47,488
[laughter]

703
00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:50,158
I had also eaten her plate of fromage.

704
00:31:50,241 --> 00:31:51,576
[laughter]

705
00:31:51,659 --> 00:31:53,745
And her bowl of lactose.

706
00:31:53,828 --> 00:31:55,038
[laughter]

707
00:31:55,121 --> 00:31:58,333
Lactose is now coursing through my veins.

708
00:31:59,459 --> 00:32:00,835
I am on borrowed time.

709
00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:02,629
[laughter]

710
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:07,258
And so I'm sitting there, knowing.

711
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:09,677
I'm just sort of like,
"All right, we'll be good here.

712
00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:10,887
We'll be good." You know?

713
00:32:10,970 --> 00:32:13,389
I'm listening to her.
"Oh, that's interesting."

714
00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:14,515
[laughter]

715
00:32:15,016 --> 00:32:17,060
And then the waiter comes up and goes,

716
00:32:17,143 --> 00:32:18,811
"Would you like a coffee?"

717
00:32:18,895 --> 00:32:20,021
And I went, "No!

718
00:32:20,104 --> 00:32:21,439
[laughter]

719
00:32:24,192 --> 00:32:25,610
Just the check, please."

720
00:32:25,693 --> 00:32:26,945
[laughter]

721
00:32:27,028 --> 00:32:30,281
So he gets me the check.
Now, we're gonna go back to my place.

722
00:32:30,365 --> 00:32:32,408
Now, I'd been on a few dates
with this girl,

723
00:32:32,492 --> 00:32:34,160
we'd always gone back to her place.

724
00:32:34,243 --> 00:32:36,913
This time was the first night
she was gonna come back to my house.

725
00:32:36,996 --> 00:32:40,249
I was happy about going back to my place
'cause I know where all the toilets are,

726
00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:43,795
I know the distance. There's a lot
of things that were going on there.

727
00:32:44,170 --> 00:32:46,172
And because she was staying at my place,

728
00:32:46,255 --> 00:32:49,884
she goes to me, she goes,
"Oh, we have to stop at the pharmacy...

729
00:32:50,802 --> 00:32:54,806
because there's a-a-a cream that I need,
like a lotion type of thing."

730
00:32:55,348 --> 00:32:56,891
And I said, "That you need?"

731
00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:58,685
[laughter]

732
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:06,109
And I-I-I said, I said,
"Are you sure you don't want it?"

733
00:33:06,192 --> 00:33:08,152
[laughter]

734
00:33:08,236 --> 00:33:10,738
And she goes, "No, I... No, I need it."

735
00:33:11,406 --> 00:33:15,326
And I said, "I don't know if you know
the difference between wants and needs.

736
00:33:15,410 --> 00:33:16,327
[laughter]

737
00:33:16,411 --> 00:33:17,829
Like, if you need it,

738
00:33:18,705 --> 00:33:21,332
that means that you'll die...

739
00:33:21,416 --> 00:33:22,917
[laughter]

740
00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:25,211
...if you don't have it. So...

741
00:33:26,295 --> 00:33:27,296
Do you need it?"

742
00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:28,840
[laughter]

743
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:32,635
And she claimed to need it.

744
00:33:32,927 --> 00:33:33,761
So...

745
00:33:34,804 --> 00:33:36,681
we drove off to the pharmacy.

746
00:33:38,224 --> 00:33:39,600
We get in there, right?

747
00:33:39,684 --> 00:33:41,853
We walk in this Rite Aid,

748
00:33:41,936 --> 00:33:44,897
and there's just this wall
of fucking lotions and that type of stuff,

749
00:33:44,981 --> 00:33:48,651
and I thought she needed it
so she would know which one to grab.

750
00:33:48,735 --> 00:33:50,278
[laughter]

751
00:33:50,361 --> 00:33:53,281
But she's just sort of looking at them,
like this. Right?

752
00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:57,201
And I'm doing the "I have to shit myself"
box step.

753
00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:58,578
-[laughter]
-Like this.

754
00:33:59,537 --> 00:34:00,955
[laughter]

755
00:34:02,832 --> 00:34:05,293
[cheering and applause]

756
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:12,759
And she can't pick one.

757
00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:16,846
Now, this is the thing,
she has to get a lotion.

758
00:34:16,929 --> 00:34:19,599
I don't understand what's going on

759
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:24,312
with the whole lotion thing with women,
right? I...

760
00:34:24,395 --> 00:34:28,524
Okay, I've lived with, uh, six girlfriends
in my life.

761
00:34:28,608 --> 00:34:29,525
[laughter]

762
00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:32,111
In my... In my life,
I've lived with six women,

763
00:34:32,528 --> 00:34:34,697
and all six of them have left me.

764
00:34:35,031 --> 00:34:37,075
[laughter]

765
00:34:37,158 --> 00:34:40,703
And sooner or later,
I'm going to blame myself.

766
00:34:40,787 --> 00:34:41,954
[laughter]

767
00:34:42,789 --> 00:34:43,831
But not today.

768
00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:45,875
[laughter]

769
00:34:45,958 --> 00:34:48,211
[cheering and applause]

770
00:34:48,294 --> 00:34:49,128
Now...

771
00:34:49,212 --> 00:34:51,005
[cheering and applause]

772
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:54,884
Now, every single woman
I've ever lived with

773
00:34:54,967 --> 00:34:57,178
has a nighttime ritual, where they...

774
00:34:57,261 --> 00:34:59,013
See, I have a bedtime ritual.

775
00:34:59,097 --> 00:35:00,807
What I do is I go to the bathroom,

776
00:35:00,890 --> 00:35:02,642
I have a piss, I brush my teeth,
I go to bed.

777
00:35:02,725 --> 00:35:03,768
[laughter]

778
00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:06,938
I've recently figured out
that I could do them at the same time.

779
00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:07,939
[laughter]

780
00:35:08,022 --> 00:35:11,317
I have a piss and I brush my teeth,
and I spit over, like that...

781
00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:15,905
Now, but the thing with women is
you all go into the bathroom

782
00:35:15,988 --> 00:35:17,406
for, like, 20 minutes,

783
00:35:17,990 --> 00:35:19,283
and you close the door.

784
00:35:20,618 --> 00:35:23,412
And then you come out, and the last thing
you do is you're sort of...

785
00:35:23,496 --> 00:35:25,123
you're rubbing something here.

786
00:35:25,206 --> 00:35:26,249
[laughter]

787
00:35:26,332 --> 00:35:27,667
And then you go like this.

788
00:35:27,750 --> 00:35:28,584
[laughter]

789
00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:31,796
And then you get into bed, and you tell me
what I've done wrong that day.

790
00:35:31,879 --> 00:35:33,422
[laughter]

791
00:35:33,506 --> 00:35:35,049
[applause]

792
00:35:39,178 --> 00:35:41,639
And that's your little nighttime routine.

793
00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:43,182
[laughter]

794
00:35:43,266 --> 00:35:47,728
Now, I don't know
what goes on in that room.

795
00:35:47,812 --> 00:35:48,646
[laughter]

796
00:35:48,729 --> 00:35:50,940
But I assume, I can't be positive,

797
00:35:51,023 --> 00:35:54,193
but I assume you are covering your body
head to toe

798
00:35:54,277 --> 00:35:56,154
in some type of lotion

799
00:35:56,237 --> 00:35:59,407
that you think is vital
for your existence.

800
00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:00,491
[laughter]

801
00:36:01,075 --> 00:36:03,369
Now, I'm 42 years old.

802
00:36:04,495 --> 00:36:05,580
Um...

803
00:36:05,663 --> 00:36:07,915
I-I wear makeup for work.

804
00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:10,209
Like, when I'm on TV,
they put makeup on me.

805
00:36:10,293 --> 00:36:12,044
I never even wipe it off,
I just fucking...

806
00:36:12,128 --> 00:36:14,922
They give me a towelette, and I go,
"Ah, don't worry about it." Then...

807
00:36:15,006 --> 00:36:15,840
[laughter]

808
00:36:16,382 --> 00:36:18,968
It goes away over a week,
and they put it back on.

809
00:36:19,051 --> 00:36:20,178
[laughter]

810
00:36:20,261 --> 00:36:22,889
Apart from that, I-I've worn sunscreen,

811
00:36:23,431 --> 00:36:27,518
but I've never put anything else
on my face. Nothing else my entire life.

812
00:36:27,935 --> 00:36:30,646
Um, I'm arguably an alcoholic.

813
00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:32,356
[laughter]

814
00:36:32,773 --> 00:36:34,775
I... I used to be a heavy smoker.

815
00:36:35,776 --> 00:36:38,196
I've been a cocaine addict.

816
00:36:38,779 --> 00:36:40,573
[cheering]

817
00:36:40,656 --> 00:36:42,074
[laughter]

818
00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:47,330
And my skin is fucking flawless.

819
00:36:47,413 --> 00:36:48,497
[laughter]

820
00:36:48,581 --> 00:36:50,333
[cheering and applause]

821
00:36:57,006 --> 00:36:58,382
And you want to know why?

822
00:36:59,425 --> 00:37:01,677
Because my skin learned

823
00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:03,971
at a very young age...

824
00:37:04,055 --> 00:37:05,014
[laughter]

825
00:37:05,097 --> 00:37:07,099
...that it couldn't rely on me.

826
00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:08,184
[laughter]

827
00:37:09,769 --> 00:37:12,271
My skin knew
that I was not gonna help it,

828
00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:14,315
so it was like, "All right...

829
00:37:15,983 --> 00:37:18,194
We're going to have to produce
our own oils

830
00:37:18,277 --> 00:37:20,196
if we're gonna keep shit together."

831
00:37:22,698 --> 00:37:24,533
Where women's skin...

832
00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:26,035
Women's skin...

833
00:37:26,118 --> 00:37:28,246
Every day, women's skin is like this,

834
00:37:28,704 --> 00:37:32,124
"I haven't had my special cream."

835
00:37:32,208 --> 00:37:33,459
[laughter]

836
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:41,300
And that's why you all age so horribly.

837
00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:42,843
[laughter]

838
00:37:43,844 --> 00:37:45,846
[cheering and applause]

839
00:37:49,809 --> 00:37:51,727
Yeah, I-I don't... I don't do...

840
00:37:52,478 --> 00:37:54,730
as many misogynistic jokes as I used to,

841
00:37:54,814 --> 00:37:57,233
but I like to whip one in there
every now and then.

842
00:37:57,316 --> 00:37:58,776
[laughter]

843
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:02,655
It's funny because I didn't...
I used to do more back in the day.

844
00:38:02,738 --> 00:38:04,240
But what happened was,

845
00:38:04,323 --> 00:38:05,950
in our society,

846
00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:10,204
people started getting angry at me
because they didn't know I was joking.

847
00:38:10,288 --> 00:38:13,541
Even though my job description
would say...

848
00:38:13,624 --> 00:38:15,001
[laughter]

849
00:38:16,294 --> 00:38:18,421
...that I was possibly joking.

850
00:38:18,504 --> 00:38:20,172
[laughter]

851
00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:22,383
So this is what happens now
with comedians.

852
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:24,468
For some reason, we're enemy number one.

853
00:38:24,552 --> 00:38:27,263
Every time we do a joke
that you don't like,

854
00:38:27,346 --> 00:38:29,515
you all go,
"Why did you say that?"

855
00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:32,977
"Why..." I get asked at interviews,
"Why would you say that joke?"

856
00:38:33,060 --> 00:38:35,813
And you go,
"I thought it was going to be funny."

857
00:38:35,896 --> 00:38:37,523
[laughter]

858
00:38:39,025 --> 00:38:40,693
It's fucking ridiculous.

859
00:38:41,235 --> 00:38:45,531
I'm in trouble now for jokes that I did
fucking ten years ago.

860
00:38:45,865 --> 00:38:48,200
People ring me up and go,
"You said this joke ten years ago."

861
00:38:48,284 --> 00:38:52,163
Now, our job as comedians is,
okay, if the line's here,

862
00:38:52,246 --> 00:38:55,750
our job is to go right up to the line,
that's our fucking job.

863
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:57,960
To take risks. To gamble, if you will.

864
00:38:58,377 --> 00:39:00,129
Now, what happens when you gamble?

865
00:39:00,796 --> 00:39:02,048
You don't always win.

866
00:39:02,131 --> 00:39:03,007
[laughter]

867
00:39:03,632 --> 00:39:06,135
Otherwise it wouldn't be called
fucking "gambling."

868
00:39:06,218 --> 00:39:07,053
[laughter]

869
00:39:07,136 --> 00:39:09,555
So, what happens is
we go all the way up to the line,

870
00:39:09,638 --> 00:39:10,514
right, which is fine.

871
00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:13,100
So, on my specials,
I have jokes that have gotten through

872
00:39:13,184 --> 00:39:15,436
standards and practices and lawyers
and everything,

873
00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:16,979
and still gotten on fucking Netflix,

874
00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:20,316
and then you watch it years later,
and you're fucking angry.

875
00:39:20,649 --> 00:39:22,318
Well, go fuck yourself, right?

876
00:39:22,401 --> 00:39:23,319
Because...

877
00:39:23,402 --> 00:39:24,904
[cheering and applause]

878
00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:28,240
Because...

879
00:39:29,575 --> 00:39:31,452
When I told the joke,

880
00:39:31,994 --> 00:39:33,537
the line was here,

881
00:39:33,788 --> 00:39:36,290
and it was socially acceptable, right?

882
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:40,044
Now you moved the line back to here,
so I won't go there anymore, I won't,

883
00:39:40,127 --> 00:39:41,128
but the line's here.

884
00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:42,463
But you can't get angry

885
00:39:42,546 --> 00:39:45,716
because you moved the line
and then the fucking joke was over here.

886
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:47,134
[laughter and applause]

887
00:39:50,554 --> 00:39:51,389
And then...

888
00:39:51,931 --> 00:39:55,768
And then you have the audacity
to ask me to maybe apologize

889
00:39:55,851 --> 00:39:57,103
for a fucking joke.

890
00:39:57,478 --> 00:40:00,231
Here's the thing,
I wanted the joke to work.

891
00:40:00,314 --> 00:40:02,233
Sometimes you tell a joke

892
00:40:02,316 --> 00:40:04,110
and it doesn't fucking work.

893
00:40:04,193 --> 00:40:05,861
And then people go, "Why did you do that?"

894
00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:09,573
You go, "I tried to make the joke work,
but it didn't fucking work,

895
00:40:09,657 --> 00:40:11,492
and now you're all upset with me."

896
00:40:11,575 --> 00:40:12,410
[laughter]

897
00:40:12,493 --> 00:40:17,581
It's like if a pilot smashes a plane
into fucking the side of a mountain.

898
00:40:17,998 --> 00:40:20,376
You don't go, "Why did you do that?"

899
00:40:20,459 --> 00:40:21,544
[laughter]

900
00:40:21,627 --> 00:40:25,673
He'll go, "My intention was
to land the plane safely.

901
00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:26,632
[laughter]

902
00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:29,760
But it turns out I failed at my job.

903
00:40:29,844 --> 00:40:30,678
But I didn't...

904
00:40:30,761 --> 00:40:33,722
I didn't wake up in the morning going,
'Smash it!'"

905
00:40:33,806 --> 00:40:35,015
[laughter]

906
00:40:35,683 --> 00:40:38,018
See, it's like, I watched
Dave Chappelle's special.

907
00:40:38,102 --> 00:40:38,978
I watched his special.

908
00:40:39,061 --> 00:40:41,689
I thought it was fucking great.

909
00:40:41,772 --> 00:40:43,107
[cheering and applause]

910
00:40:43,774 --> 00:40:45,443
It was hilarious.

911
00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:48,195
And people got upset,

912
00:40:48,529 --> 00:40:50,406
and they got upset
by different jokes in it.

913
00:40:50,489 --> 00:40:52,283
They get... See, here's the thing.

914
00:40:52,741 --> 00:40:55,411
I didn't enjoy every joke in his special.

915
00:40:55,494 --> 00:40:59,248
Some of the things he said,
I didn't even agree with.

916
00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:01,083
But you know what happened?

917
00:41:01,333 --> 00:41:03,752
When I watched the jokes I didn't enjoy,

918
00:41:03,836 --> 00:41:06,714
I got over it
because I'm not a fucking pussy.

919
00:41:06,797 --> 00:41:07,631
[laughter]

920
00:41:07,715 --> 00:41:08,883
[cheering and applause]

921
00:41:08,966 --> 00:41:09,967
All right?

922
00:41:11,552 --> 00:41:14,847
And I just listened to the ones
I fucking enjoyed.

923
00:41:16,849 --> 00:41:20,019
See, he said that he thought
that Michael Jackson didn't fuck kids.

924
00:41:20,102 --> 00:41:20,936
Eh.

925
00:41:21,020 --> 00:41:22,146
[laughter]

926
00:41:22,229 --> 00:41:24,607
I think Michael Jackson did fuck kids.

927
00:41:24,690 --> 00:41:25,983
[laughter]

928
00:41:26,066 --> 00:41:28,277
That's how me and Dave differ.

929
00:41:28,736 --> 00:41:29,945
[laughter]

930
00:41:34,241 --> 00:41:36,869
A lot of people have stopped listening
to Michael Jackson's music.

931
00:41:36,952 --> 00:41:38,537
They go, "I won't listen to it anymore.

932
00:41:38,621 --> 00:41:40,080
I won't listen to it anymore."

933
00:41:40,164 --> 00:41:41,415
I still listen to it.

934
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:43,083
[laughter]

935
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:45,294
But I only listen to the Jackson 5.

936
00:41:45,377 --> 00:41:46,253
[laughter]

937
00:41:46,337 --> 00:41:48,422
'Cause if he was fucking kids back then,

938
00:41:48,506 --> 00:41:51,425
it was just experimenting,
and there's nothing wrong with that.

939
00:41:51,759 --> 00:41:53,344
[laughter]

940
00:41:53,427 --> 00:41:55,554
I go all the way
to "Blame It on the Boogie,"

941
00:41:55,638 --> 00:41:57,056
and I fucking call it a day.

942
00:41:57,139 --> 00:41:58,641
[laughter]

943
00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:02,019
So, look...

944
00:42:04,104 --> 00:42:05,356
[laughter]

945
00:42:06,607 --> 00:42:08,400
What I'm trying to tell you is...

946
00:42:09,443 --> 00:42:11,695
she couldn't pick which cream she wanted.

947
00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:13,322
[laughter]

948
00:42:16,742 --> 00:42:18,619
And she's looking
at all the different creams.

949
00:42:18,702 --> 00:42:21,038
I'm doing
the "I have to shit myself" box step.

950
00:42:21,121 --> 00:42:22,456
[laughter]

951
00:42:22,540 --> 00:42:24,875
And I think to myself,
"Fuck it, I've got to have a shit."

952
00:42:24,959 --> 00:42:27,461
Now, there's a bathroom
in the back of the, uh, pharmacy,

953
00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:28,546
so I duck off.

954
00:42:28,629 --> 00:42:31,423
Now, at this point of the story,
I got to tell you...

955
00:42:31,882 --> 00:42:33,634
all right, that this girl's a germophobe.

956
00:42:33,717 --> 00:42:36,053
It's vital to the story
that she's a germophobe.

957
00:42:36,136 --> 00:42:40,307
Now, we may have some people in the room
who identify as germophobes and,

958
00:42:40,391 --> 00:42:42,476
to those people...

959
00:42:43,269 --> 00:42:44,645
go fuck yourself.

960
00:42:44,728 --> 00:42:46,480
[laughter, cheering, and applause]

961
00:42:47,106 --> 00:42:50,651
I've... I've never met a person in my life

962
00:42:50,734 --> 00:42:53,779
who's interesting
who's a fucking germophobe.

963
00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:57,741
You're always boring cunts
who tell us all the time

964
00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,827
that you're a fucking germophobe.

965
00:43:00,411 --> 00:43:03,455
Being a germophobe is doing
a lot of heavy lifting

966
00:43:03,539 --> 00:43:06,125
for your shit fucking personality.

967
00:43:06,208 --> 00:43:08,252
[laughter]

968
00:43:08,335 --> 00:43:10,838
How dare you act like we're all diseased.

969
00:43:10,921 --> 00:43:14,925
Every time we shake your hand, you go,
"I-I can't because... eh..."

970
00:43:15,342 --> 00:43:18,971
Every time you cook with a germophobe,
you cook and put some scraps in the bin,

971
00:43:19,054 --> 00:43:21,348
you go, "Hey, can you take that out
for the trash for me?"

972
00:43:21,432 --> 00:43:23,267
And they're like, "I'd love to,

973
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:25,352
but I can't.

974
00:43:25,436 --> 00:43:26,270
[laughter]

975
00:43:26,353 --> 00:43:28,022
Because I'm a germophobe."

976
00:43:28,772 --> 00:43:30,608
And you're like,
"The rest of us are loving it."

977
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:31,775
You lick the bin, "Aah."

978
00:43:31,859 --> 00:43:33,402
[laughter]

979
00:43:33,986 --> 00:43:35,154
You're not special.

980
00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:38,198
While I'm at it,

981
00:43:38,657 --> 00:43:41,201
people with peanut allergies
can fuck off an' all.

982
00:43:41,285 --> 00:43:43,621
[laughter, cheering, and applause]

983
00:43:44,913 --> 00:43:49,043
Now, I'm not saying that there aren't
people with severe peanut allergies.

984
00:43:49,126 --> 00:43:53,088
There truly are. There's people
who will die if they eat a fucking peanut.

985
00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:57,760
What I'm saying is
it's your fucking problem.

986
00:43:57,843 --> 00:43:58,719
[laughter]

987
00:43:59,219 --> 00:44:02,014
The rest of us don't have to be involved.

988
00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:05,893
Right, like, have you ever been
on a plane lately,

989
00:44:05,976 --> 00:44:07,186
and they go like this, they go,

990
00:44:07,269 --> 00:44:11,023
"Uh, on today's flight,
we will not be serving peanuts,

991
00:44:11,106 --> 00:44:14,985
as there's a person on the flight
with a severe peanut allergy."

992
00:44:15,861 --> 00:44:19,073
And you're like, "All right, well,
don't give them to them, then."

993
00:44:19,156 --> 00:44:20,491
[laughter]

994
00:44:20,908 --> 00:44:23,285
How fucking weak-willed are these cunts?

995
00:44:23,702 --> 00:44:26,789
"Oh, I know it will kill me,
but the salty goodness..."

996
00:44:26,872 --> 00:44:28,040
[laughter]

997
00:44:28,123 --> 00:44:31,001
Like, what do they think the rest of us
are going to fucking do?

998
00:44:31,543 --> 00:44:35,130
Go to the air stewardess, "Uh, excuse me,
uh, who has that peanut allergy?"

999
00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:36,548
[laughter]

1000
00:44:37,966 --> 00:44:39,677
[laughter]

1001
00:44:46,558 --> 00:44:47,851
What do you think's gonna happen

1002
00:44:47,935 --> 00:44:49,687
if someone next to you
eats a fucking peanut?

1003
00:44:49,770 --> 00:44:52,981
Do you think peanut particles
will get in the fucking air?

1004
00:44:53,482 --> 00:44:56,026
Guess what?
These flights fly back and forth

1005
00:44:56,110 --> 00:44:58,612
and back and forth all fucking day.

1006
00:44:58,696 --> 00:45:00,739
In between, they hardly clean the planes.

1007
00:45:00,823 --> 00:45:03,158
Do you think they'd go on
with a special peanut--

1008
00:45:03,242 --> 00:45:06,537
de-peanut-ing machine
and fucking fill the fucking air?

1009
00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:07,830
[laughter]

1010
00:45:08,956 --> 00:45:10,290
See, you know what I do?

1011
00:45:10,999 --> 00:45:14,294
Every time when I'm on a flight
where they serve peanuts,

1012
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,214
what I do is I get six or seven peanuts,

1013
00:45:17,715 --> 00:45:20,217
and I wedge them down the back
of the fucking seat.

1014
00:45:20,300 --> 00:45:21,552
[laughter]

1015
00:45:27,307 --> 00:45:29,101
And if someone ever dies,

1016
00:45:29,184 --> 00:45:31,687
I'll be the first person to say,

1017
00:45:31,770 --> 00:45:32,938
"I was wrong."

1018
00:45:33,021 --> 00:45:34,815
[laughter]

1019
00:45:42,448 --> 00:45:45,033
Now, I talked earlier about, like,
how I did one misogynistic joke,

1020
00:45:45,117 --> 00:45:47,536
and how-- how, at the moment now,

1021
00:45:47,619 --> 00:45:50,372
I-I-I don't know if people know
that I'm fucking joking.

1022
00:45:50,664 --> 00:45:53,125
It's become very odd now, this tension

1023
00:45:53,625 --> 00:45:54,710
that we have

1024
00:45:55,294 --> 00:45:56,962
about what's right and what's wrong.

1025
00:45:57,463 --> 00:46:00,007
I was on a plane and this fucking...

1026
00:46:00,090 --> 00:46:03,677
This woman was trying to put a bag
in the overhead luggage,

1027
00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:05,929
and she was shaking, and she can't do it.

1028
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,723
And I went to help her,

1029
00:46:07,806 --> 00:46:10,934
and she just looked at me and went,
"No, no," like that.

1030
00:46:11,018 --> 00:46:11,852
[laughter]

1031
00:46:12,394 --> 00:46:15,105
And it's, like, now I'm in trouble
for trying to do a nice thing.

1032
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:16,732
That used to be my one move.

1033
00:46:16,815 --> 00:46:17,816
[laughter]

1034
00:46:18,317 --> 00:46:21,236
I used to open doors, I used to lift bags,

1035
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,614
I used to stand up for pregnant people
on buses.

1036
00:46:23,697 --> 00:46:25,073
That was my fucking gig.

1037
00:46:25,157 --> 00:46:27,117
-That's what I had going.
-[laughter]

1038
00:46:27,201 --> 00:46:29,953
And now, because I tried to help her,
she's, like...

1039
00:46:30,037 --> 00:46:31,622
She's, like, angry at me?

1040
00:46:31,705 --> 00:46:34,291
Like I'm trying to do
a male patriarchy thing,

1041
00:46:34,374 --> 00:46:36,376
where I can lift this better than you.

1042
00:46:36,460 --> 00:46:38,253
So I just told her to fuck off.

1043
00:46:38,337 --> 00:46:40,214
[laughter]

1044
00:46:40,297 --> 00:46:41,173
And...

1045
00:46:43,008 --> 00:46:45,427
turns out,
she's just a woman with Parkinson's,

1046
00:46:45,511 --> 00:46:46,804
and she did need my help.

1047
00:46:46,887 --> 00:46:48,472
[laughter]

1048
00:46:50,015 --> 00:46:53,352
But that scenario could've been different
is what I'm saying.

1049
00:46:53,435 --> 00:46:54,645
[laughter]

1050
00:46:55,896 --> 00:46:57,439
Like, I was in a movie...

1051
00:46:58,190 --> 00:47:00,234
I was in a movie with my son.
We were watching...

1052
00:47:00,317 --> 00:47:02,736
A couple of years ago, we were watching
the Ghostbusters movie,

1053
00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:04,279
the new one with the female cast.

1054
00:47:04,780 --> 00:47:07,533
Watching Ghostbusters.
My son, he's four at the time,

1055
00:47:07,616 --> 00:47:10,077
and he turns to me watching Ghostbusters,
and he goes,

1056
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:12,996
"This movie's not as good
as the other Ghostbusters."

1057
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:15,374
And I went, "Shut up, shh.

1058
00:47:15,457 --> 00:47:16,750
[laughter]

1059
00:47:16,834 --> 00:47:18,377
You're not allowed to say that.

1060
00:47:18,460 --> 00:47:21,797
This movie's every bit as good
as the other Ghostbusters.

1061
00:47:22,965 --> 00:47:24,675
We'll talk about it in the car."

1062
00:47:24,758 --> 00:47:26,343
[laughter]

1063
00:47:26,426 --> 00:47:28,011
You know, and on reflection,

1064
00:47:29,096 --> 00:47:30,430
that movie wasn't as good.

1065
00:47:30,514 --> 00:47:32,099
[laughter]

1066
00:47:32,182 --> 00:47:34,726
-It was a shit fucking movie.
-[laughter]

1067
00:47:34,810 --> 00:47:37,771
Wasn't funny,
the action sequences weren't good,

1068
00:47:37,855 --> 00:47:39,857
it was a fucking shit film.

1069
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:44,069
It wasn't shit because women were in it.
It was just shit because it was shit.

1070
00:47:44,152 --> 00:47:45,279
[laughter]

1071
00:47:45,362 --> 00:47:47,489
You know what I mean?
Like, 'cause that cast...

1072
00:47:47,573 --> 00:47:48,740
Paul Feig is the director.

1073
00:47:48,824 --> 00:47:51,451
He directed Bridesmaids,
one of my top ten comedies.

1074
00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:55,122
The rest of the cast was from that movie,
they'd made good films together.

1075
00:47:55,205 --> 00:47:56,748
This one was just a misfire.

1076
00:47:56,832 --> 00:47:59,877
But the weird thing that happened was
no one went to see that film,

1077
00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:01,587
and then all of a sudden,

1078
00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:02,838
men were pigs,

1079
00:48:02,921 --> 00:48:05,048
men are fucking misogynistic assholes

1080
00:48:05,132 --> 00:48:07,134
because that film didn't do good. No.

1081
00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:10,220
It didn't do good because you women
didn't fucking see it either.

1082
00:48:10,304 --> 00:48:12,222
If you went and saw the movie...

1083
00:48:12,472 --> 00:48:15,267
If you went and saw the movie,
it would have been a success.

1084
00:48:15,350 --> 00:48:16,685
But you didn't fucking see it,

1085
00:48:16,768 --> 00:48:19,271
then you got angry at us
for not fucking seeing it.

1086
00:48:19,354 --> 00:48:20,898
[laughter]

1087
00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:23,567
Do you want to know why it didn't do well?
It's an action comedy,

1088
00:48:23,650 --> 00:48:27,738
and if you go to any marketing company
that talks about how they sell things,

1089
00:48:27,821 --> 00:48:30,741
action comedies primarily
are enjoyed by men.

1090
00:48:30,824 --> 00:48:34,536
There might be exceptions to the rule,
but primarily men like action comedies.

1091
00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:37,205
Do you want to know why?
Because we're funny,

1092
00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:39,541
and we do things, and...

1093
00:48:39,625 --> 00:48:40,876
[laughter]

1094
00:48:43,211 --> 00:48:44,212
And...

1095
00:48:44,296 --> 00:48:48,759
And women like dramas
because you cause drama.

1096
00:48:48,842 --> 00:48:49,676
[laughter]

1097
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,386
[cheering and applause]

1098
00:48:54,681 --> 00:48:56,808
So my point is...

1099
00:48:57,726 --> 00:49:00,646
stop remaking our fucking movies.

1100
00:49:00,729 --> 00:49:02,606
Leave our movies alone.

1101
00:49:02,689 --> 00:49:05,025
We don't remake your films.

1102
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:08,779
You don't see Brad Pitt and George Clooney
getting together to make

1103
00:49:08,862 --> 00:49:14,785
Mystic fucking Pizza of the Sisterhood of
the Ya-Ya Fuckhead Traveling Pants Movie.

1104
00:49:14,868 --> 00:49:16,328
[laughter]

1105
00:49:17,371 --> 00:49:19,122
We leave your shit alone.

1106
00:49:19,206 --> 00:49:20,582
[laughter]

1107
00:49:21,166 --> 00:49:24,002
Although there should be some films
that should be remade

1108
00:49:24,086 --> 00:49:25,587
with, you know, different casts.

1109
00:49:25,671 --> 00:49:30,258
Like, one of my favorite movies
from my childhood was, uh, Nine to Five.

1110
00:49:30,342 --> 00:49:34,179
Dolly Parton, Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda.
Fantastic.

1111
00:49:34,262 --> 00:49:35,430
It still stands up today.

1112
00:49:35,514 --> 00:49:38,517
It's about three women,
they have a boss who's a fucking pig.

1113
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:41,395
Like, it's even poignant right now.
They have a boss who's a pig.

1114
00:49:41,478 --> 00:49:44,481
So what they do is they drug him,

1115
00:49:44,564 --> 00:49:46,233
and they put him in bondage gear,

1116
00:49:46,316 --> 00:49:49,111
and they hang him from the roof
of one of their garages for three weeks.

1117
00:49:49,194 --> 00:49:50,320
It's a fun film.

1118
00:49:50,737 --> 00:49:51,947
[laughter]

1119
00:49:52,531 --> 00:49:55,075
You know, they should do that
with a male cast, right?

1120
00:49:55,158 --> 00:49:58,036
So, there's a woman,
you put her in the position of power.

1121
00:49:58,120 --> 00:49:59,329
[laughter]

1122
00:49:59,788 --> 00:50:02,040
The three employees don't like it,
so they drug her,

1123
00:50:02,124 --> 00:50:04,292
and they put her in bondage gear,

1124
00:50:04,376 --> 00:50:06,712
and they hang her
from the roof of one of their garages.

1125
00:50:06,795 --> 00:50:08,338
It's just a fun film.

1126
00:50:08,422 --> 00:50:09,923
[laughter]

1127
00:50:13,093 --> 00:50:15,595
Another movie that needs
an opposite remake:

1128
00:50:16,471 --> 00:50:17,639
Brokeback Mountain.

1129
00:50:17,723 --> 00:50:19,182
[laughter]

1130
00:50:19,266 --> 00:50:20,976
[cheering and applause]

1131
00:50:21,059 --> 00:50:23,270
That movie's... It needs it!

1132
00:50:23,353 --> 00:50:24,354
[laughter]

1133
00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:28,025
The original film is a couple of blokes,
they're working on the land,

1134
00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:29,693
they ran out of conversation.

1135
00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:33,280
So they went into a tent,
and they fucked each other in the ass.

1136
00:50:33,363 --> 00:50:34,448
[laughter]

1137
00:50:35,157 --> 00:50:37,409
My film, it's a couple of young lasses,

1138
00:50:37,492 --> 00:50:39,745
they're working on the land,
they're doing a man's job.

1139
00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:41,079
They get bored,

1140
00:50:41,163 --> 00:50:44,249
so they go into a tent,
and they finger-bang each other.

1141
00:50:44,332 --> 00:50:45,542
[laughter]

1142
00:50:47,461 --> 00:50:48,879
[laughter]

1143
00:50:51,757 --> 00:50:54,384
My version doesn't even need a tent.

1144
00:50:54,468 --> 00:50:55,761
[laughter]

1145
00:50:59,514 --> 00:51:02,476
But one of the things that's happening
in cinema at the moment is,

1146
00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:04,895
and I think we can all agree on this...
Okay, so...

1147
00:51:04,978 --> 00:51:07,064
So we're done with blackface people.

1148
00:51:07,606 --> 00:51:09,149
Stop doing that.

1149
00:51:09,858 --> 00:51:11,276
People don't like it.

1150
00:51:12,652 --> 00:51:16,656
If-If you're getting ready for Halloween
and you think, "I might do blackface,"

1151
00:51:17,616 --> 00:51:18,575
just don't.

1152
00:51:18,658 --> 00:51:19,993
[laughter]

1153
00:51:20,077 --> 00:51:24,247
It's so much easier to not do blackface.

1154
00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:25,165
[laughter]

1155
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:27,042
Like you don't have to do anything.

1156
00:51:27,876 --> 00:51:29,836
Just save yourself time.

1157
00:51:30,754 --> 00:51:33,715
See, the thing is, with actors now
you've got in movies...

1158
00:51:33,799 --> 00:51:37,094
I think we've all agreed
that you can't play outside your race.

1159
00:51:37,177 --> 00:51:40,222
It goes back to, like, Mickey Rooney
playing an Asian character

1160
00:51:40,305 --> 00:51:41,723
in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

1161
00:51:41,807 --> 00:51:45,435
Don't play outside your race.
You can only play your race.

1162
00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:47,562
I think we can all agree on that now.

1163
00:51:47,646 --> 00:51:51,233
Now, there's another thing happening now,
where the gays are getting upset

1164
00:51:51,316 --> 00:51:53,860
if heterosexuals are playing
gay people on film.

1165
00:51:54,277 --> 00:51:57,572
I'm not sure about that,
but I'm open to discussion.

1166
00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:01,118
But here's the thing
that's really fucking pissing me off.

1167
00:52:03,203 --> 00:52:06,081
Taron Edgerton, or Egerton, or whatever,

1168
00:52:06,164 --> 00:52:08,083
he played Elton John

1169
00:52:08,959 --> 00:52:10,210
and Eddie the Eagle.

1170
00:52:11,211 --> 00:52:13,672
Two of the ugliest cunts
that have ever lived.

1171
00:52:13,755 --> 00:52:15,173
[laughter]

1172
00:52:17,759 --> 00:52:20,887
He's really good-looking.
I don't fucking like that.

1173
00:52:20,971 --> 00:52:22,180
[laughter]

1174
00:52:22,722 --> 00:52:24,975
He's playing uglyface.

1175
00:52:25,058 --> 00:52:28,979
How many ugly actors
would like that fucking opportunity?

1176
00:52:29,354 --> 00:52:32,816
[yelling] Do the good-looking people
need fucking everything?

1177
00:52:32,899 --> 00:52:34,693
[laughter]

1178
00:52:35,902 --> 00:52:39,739
Like, Charlize Theron
fucking gains 30 pounds,

1179
00:52:39,823 --> 00:52:42,409
and all they say is, "How brave."

1180
00:52:42,492 --> 00:52:43,743
[laughter]

1181
00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:46,329
You know what's brave?

1182
00:52:46,413 --> 00:52:50,292
Being ugly every single fucking day.

1183
00:52:50,375 --> 00:52:52,043
[cheering and applause]

1184
00:52:59,467 --> 00:53:03,680
So I decide to go off to the toilet,
right? And I'm going off...

1185
00:53:03,763 --> 00:53:05,182
[laughter]

1186
00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:08,643
And she goes, "Where are you going?"

1187
00:53:08,727 --> 00:53:10,562
And there's no point lying anymore,

1188
00:53:10,645 --> 00:53:11,980
so I just went like this,

1189
00:53:12,063 --> 00:53:13,106
"Um...

1190
00:53:14,065 --> 00:53:15,400
I have to shit myself."

1191
00:53:15,483 --> 00:53:17,319
[laughter]

1192
00:53:17,402 --> 00:53:20,947
And she goes,
"If you take a shit in a public toilet,

1193
00:53:21,406 --> 00:53:23,200
then I'll never fuck you again."

1194
00:53:23,283 --> 00:53:24,201
I was like,

1195
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:26,369
[exhales]

1196
00:53:26,453 --> 00:53:27,495
[laughter]

1197
00:53:28,496 --> 00:53:30,498
"It's a very good argument. That's a...

1198
00:53:31,374 --> 00:53:33,043
That's what you call a quandary."

1199
00:53:33,126 --> 00:53:34,294
[laughter]

1200
00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:39,382
So, I went,
"All right, but just fucking hurry up."

1201
00:53:39,466 --> 00:53:42,510
So now I'm doing
the "I have to shit myself" jog.

1202
00:53:42,594 --> 00:53:43,553
I'm like, "Come on.

1203
00:53:43,637 --> 00:53:44,763
[laughter]

1204
00:53:46,681 --> 00:53:48,600
Pick a fucking cream.
Pick a cream, any cream.

1205
00:53:48,683 --> 00:53:50,894
They're all good.
All of these creams are good."

1206
00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:55,398
She's not hurrying up, so I did
what every man has done in a relationship.

1207
00:53:55,482 --> 00:53:57,108
Right? And there's a few men in this room

1208
00:53:57,192 --> 00:53:59,861
that probably did it this evening
to get here on time.

1209
00:53:59,945 --> 00:54:02,614
This is how you hurry up your wife
or your girlfriend.

1210
00:54:02,697 --> 00:54:04,866
Every man does this.
This is our special move.

1211
00:54:04,950 --> 00:54:06,243
We go out...

1212
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,536
and we sit in the car.

1213
00:54:08,620 --> 00:54:10,288
[laughter]

1214
00:54:12,249 --> 00:54:13,083
And we think,

1215
00:54:13,959 --> 00:54:16,169
"This'll send a strong message."

1216
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:17,712
[laughter]

1217
00:54:21,132 --> 00:54:22,592
Now, I assume women are like,

1218
00:54:22,676 --> 00:54:25,303
"Ah, thank fuck
he's gone to sit in the car."

1219
00:54:25,679 --> 00:54:26,930
[laughter]

1220
00:54:27,514 --> 00:54:28,807
So, I'm sitting in the car

1221
00:54:28,890 --> 00:54:30,934
and I do this move,
where I've leant like this,

1222
00:54:31,017 --> 00:54:32,269
I leant all the way down,

1223
00:54:33,395 --> 00:54:36,982
and I'm trying to breathe through it,
like I'm in, like, a Lamaze class, like...

1224
00:54:37,065 --> 00:54:38,316
[exhales]

1225
00:54:39,109 --> 00:54:40,694
[exhales]

1226
00:54:40,986 --> 00:54:42,487
And the reason I'm sitting like this

1227
00:54:42,570 --> 00:54:45,949
is because my theory is
if I lay flat like this,

1228
00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:48,576
the shit won't come out as quickly

1229
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:51,621
-because of gravity, you see?
-[laughter]

1230
00:54:51,705 --> 00:54:55,083
If I sit upright,
the shit has an easier way to fall.

1231
00:54:55,166 --> 00:54:56,293
[man] Yeah!

1232
00:54:56,376 --> 00:55:00,171
And also, sitting like this,
I'm clenching my ass cheeks together.

1233
00:55:00,255 --> 00:55:01,131
[laughter]

1234
00:55:01,214 --> 00:55:03,591
Because if the shit gets past
the sphincter,

1235
00:55:03,675 --> 00:55:06,344
it won't get past the impenetrable barrier

1236
00:55:06,428 --> 00:55:09,097
that is me
clenching my ass cheeks together.

1237
00:55:09,723 --> 00:55:11,933
Because I'm a fucking genius.

1238
00:55:12,017 --> 00:55:13,101
[laughter]

1239
00:55:13,852 --> 00:55:14,978
And I'm sitting there,

1240
00:55:15,061 --> 00:55:18,064
and I'm watching her
through the window of the pharmacy.

1241
00:55:18,148 --> 00:55:19,399
[laughter]

1242
00:55:24,487 --> 00:55:28,116
And she selects the cream,
but then she stops a bit. Right?

1243
00:55:28,199 --> 00:55:29,826
Then she goes back to get another cream.

1244
00:55:29,909 --> 00:55:32,620
So I've got to hurry this up,
so I start honking, just...

1245
00:55:32,704 --> 00:55:33,830
Honk!

1246
00:55:35,040 --> 00:55:35,874
Honk!

1247
00:55:35,957 --> 00:55:38,376
She looks out
like she's really angry with me.

1248
00:55:38,460 --> 00:55:41,129
Then she's going to the counter.
I think, "Oh, good, she's coming."

1249
00:55:41,212 --> 00:55:43,757
Then she just, like, bumps into a friend.

1250
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:44,674
[laughter]

1251
00:55:45,216 --> 00:55:47,010
Starts fucking talking to someone.

1252
00:55:47,093 --> 00:55:49,095
So, I thought,
"I'd better step this up a gear."

1253
00:55:50,096 --> 00:55:53,933
So, I put the window down,
and I lean my head out the window,

1254
00:55:54,809 --> 00:55:57,979
and every time the sliding doors open
like this...

1255
00:55:58,063 --> 00:55:59,064
[laughter]

1256
00:55:59,147 --> 00:55:59,981
...I went,

1257
00:56:00,774 --> 00:56:02,859
"I'm gonna shit myself!

1258
00:56:02,942 --> 00:56:04,361
[laughter]

1259
00:56:07,989 --> 00:56:10,533
I'm gonna shit myself!"

1260
00:56:10,617 --> 00:56:11,785
[laughter]

1261
00:56:16,247 --> 00:56:17,082
Now...

1262
00:56:17,874 --> 00:56:19,793
I forget that I'm off the telly.

1263
00:56:20,752 --> 00:56:23,296
I don't think about it
on a regular basis, right?

1264
00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:26,424
So, I'm leaning out the window,
yelling, "I'm gonna shit myself,"

1265
00:56:26,508 --> 00:56:29,928
and this 14-year-old kid skateboards by
and goes,

1266
00:56:30,011 --> 00:56:31,388
"Good luck with that, Jim."

1267
00:56:31,471 --> 00:56:33,431
[laughter]

1268
00:56:33,515 --> 00:56:35,308
[applause]

1269
00:56:39,312 --> 00:56:41,523
So I'm sitting there yelling,
"I'm gonna shit myself."

1270
00:56:41,606 --> 00:56:43,400
Eventually she comes out,

1271
00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:46,903
she gets in the car,
and, like, obviously she's upset.

1272
00:56:46,986 --> 00:56:48,071
She has reason.

1273
00:56:48,154 --> 00:56:51,408
I have been yelling,
"I'm going to shit myself,"

1274
00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:53,451
and honking the horn.

1275
00:56:53,535 --> 00:56:54,452
[laughter]

1276
00:56:55,453 --> 00:56:58,123
She sits next to me and she goes,
"I cannot believe..."

1277
00:56:58,206 --> 00:56:59,874
And I went, "No time to fight!

1278
00:56:59,958 --> 00:57:01,251
[laughter]

1279
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:04,671
This is not a drill."

1280
00:57:04,754 --> 00:57:05,672
[laughter]

1281
00:57:06,548 --> 00:57:09,968
And I fucking fishtail
out of the fucking car park.

1282
00:57:10,051 --> 00:57:12,554
Now I'm in Ventura,
and I'm whizzing through traffic.

1283
00:57:13,054 --> 00:57:14,556
She's holding on, fucking...

1284
00:57:14,639 --> 00:57:16,307
The cream's bouncing around.

1285
00:57:18,143 --> 00:57:21,479
I see the Golden Arches, I see McDonald's.
I turned to her, I said,

1286
00:57:21,938 --> 00:57:24,858
"Could I please have a shit
in the McDonald's?

1287
00:57:24,941 --> 00:57:25,775
[laughter]

1288
00:57:25,859 --> 00:57:29,988
McDonald's are renowned
for how clean they keep their toilets.

1289
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:32,782
I won't even sit on the seat.

1290
00:57:32,866 --> 00:57:34,826
I'll just hover and spray."

1291
00:57:34,909 --> 00:57:36,411
[laughter]

1292
00:57:39,747 --> 00:57:42,000
To that, I received a firm, "No."

1293
00:57:42,083 --> 00:57:43,585
[laughter]

1294
00:57:44,335 --> 00:57:45,753
So I have to make a decision.

1295
00:57:46,171 --> 00:57:48,047
My house is five minutes away.

1296
00:57:48,131 --> 00:57:50,049
Her house is three minutes away.

1297
00:57:50,133 --> 00:57:52,427
I-I make a call.
I've got to go to her house,

1298
00:57:52,510 --> 00:57:54,471
it's the only way I'll make it, right?

1299
00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:55,680
Now, this...

1300
00:57:56,264 --> 00:57:57,474
This kills me.

1301
00:57:57,557 --> 00:57:59,893
Every day I think about this, right?

1302
00:58:00,852 --> 00:58:03,897
If I went to her house to begin with,

1303
00:58:04,147 --> 00:58:06,941
I never would've had to stop
to get the cream.

1304
00:58:07,025 --> 00:58:08,318
[laughter]

1305
00:58:15,909 --> 00:58:17,785
So, anyway, we get into her house...

1306
00:58:18,661 --> 00:58:20,997
we get in the driveway,
she has a long driveway.

1307
00:58:21,080 --> 00:58:22,248
I park the car.

1308
00:58:22,332 --> 00:58:23,875
I get out. I'm already like this,

1309
00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:25,293
"Come on!"

1310
00:58:25,960 --> 00:58:27,879
"Come on!"

1311
00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:28,796
[laughter]

1312
00:58:28,880 --> 00:58:31,424
She's got the keys,
so none of my running's helping.

1313
00:58:31,508 --> 00:58:35,386
She's just fucking in heels,
just going through her bag.

1314
00:58:35,470 --> 00:58:37,430
I'm going, "Come on!"

1315
00:58:38,056 --> 00:58:41,434
Now she's stopped being angry,
she just finds this hilarious.

1316
00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:43,144
[laughter]

1317
00:58:43,228 --> 00:58:44,562
She's just laughing.

1318
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:45,855
We get to the door.

1319
00:58:45,939 --> 00:58:48,024
Right, now, you know when you've really...

1320
00:58:48,107 --> 00:58:50,318
you've... you really have needed
to do a shit?

1321
00:58:50,401 --> 00:58:52,320
It could be five minutes,

1322
00:58:52,403 --> 00:58:53,863
it could be five hours,

1323
00:58:53,947 --> 00:58:58,117
but there was an amount of time
where you were desperate to do a shit.

1324
00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:02,539
Then you get to within 12 feet
of the toilet.

1325
00:59:02,622 --> 00:59:03,748
[laughter]

1326
00:59:05,708 --> 00:59:08,753
And your asshole
starts to reward itself...

1327
00:59:08,836 --> 00:59:10,088
[laughter]

1328
00:59:10,713 --> 00:59:12,966
for all the good work that you've put in.

1329
00:59:13,049 --> 00:59:14,509
[laughter]

1330
00:59:16,469 --> 00:59:18,888
Your asshole goes, "Yeah, we did it!

1331
00:59:18,972 --> 00:59:20,014
[laughter]

1332
00:59:21,516 --> 00:59:23,101
We did it! We did it as a team!

1333
00:59:23,184 --> 00:59:26,020
And that's my favorite thing:
that we did it together!"

1334
00:59:26,104 --> 00:59:26,980
[laughter]

1335
00:59:27,063 --> 00:59:29,065
'Cause you always get to the toilet,
you always go...

1336
00:59:29,148 --> 00:59:31,192
"Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

1337
00:59:31,276 --> 00:59:33,069
Pooooooof!

1338
00:59:33,152 --> 00:59:34,654
[laughter and applause]

1339
00:59:36,739 --> 00:59:38,283
You never go... seat...

1340
00:59:38,866 --> 00:59:39,701
Poof!

1341
00:59:39,784 --> 00:59:40,785
No.

1342
00:59:40,868 --> 00:59:43,705
Why is it that you always just made it?

1343
00:59:45,081 --> 00:59:46,708
You're not that lucky.

1344
00:59:46,791 --> 00:59:50,753
There aren't that many coincidences
in the world...

1345
00:59:50,837 --> 00:59:51,921
[laughter]

1346
00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:54,132
...that you always just made it.

1347
00:59:55,174 --> 01:00:00,221
It's that your asshole has its own brain
and a, like, Pavlovian response.

1348
01:00:01,472 --> 01:00:02,599
So anyway...

1349
01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:05,268
I get up to the door,

1350
01:00:05,351 --> 01:00:08,354
and I'm going, "Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!"

1351
01:00:08,438 --> 01:00:10,023
And I'm, like, really yelling.

1352
01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:12,859
She walks up, she gets the keys out,
she's laughing.

1353
01:00:14,152 --> 01:00:16,195
She goes to put the keys in the door,

1354
01:00:16,779 --> 01:00:18,156
she drops the keys.

1355
01:00:18,239 --> 01:00:19,616
-[laughter]
-[woman] Oh!

1356
01:00:20,116 --> 01:00:21,993
The keys hit the ground,

1357
01:00:23,911 --> 01:00:25,371
and I shit myself.

1358
01:00:25,455 --> 01:00:27,123
[laughter]

1359
01:00:27,206 --> 01:00:28,583
[applause]

1360
01:00:31,836 --> 01:00:35,381
And this isn't just like
a little warning squirt of, like,

1361
01:00:35,465 --> 01:00:38,426
"All right, there's more
where this came from."

1362
01:00:39,010 --> 01:00:41,638
And it wasn't like
a full evacuation either.

1363
01:00:41,721 --> 01:00:43,806
It wasn't just like a full...
"Pooof" like this.

1364
01:00:43,890 --> 01:00:47,185
It was the weirdest thing.
It was just shit coming out of me

1365
01:00:47,268 --> 01:00:49,062
in a steady meter, just...

1366
01:00:49,771 --> 01:00:51,105
[laughter]

1367
01:00:54,192 --> 01:00:55,360
No pushing.

1368
01:00:55,693 --> 01:00:57,445
-[laughter]
-No pushing.

1369
01:00:57,528 --> 01:01:02,158
Everything from liquids to solids
and everything in between.

1370
01:01:02,241 --> 01:01:03,493
[laughter]

1371
01:01:04,035 --> 01:01:07,372
And I'd gone from being all "Aaagh!"
to just a calmness...

1372
01:01:07,830 --> 01:01:09,207
[laughter]

1373
01:01:10,458 --> 01:01:12,001
...came over me. I was just...

1374
01:01:12,085 --> 01:01:13,461
[laughter]

1375
01:01:18,549 --> 01:01:20,802
And my jeans are filling up.

1376
01:01:20,885 --> 01:01:22,220
[laughter]

1377
01:01:22,929 --> 01:01:26,599
And instantly, the... the smell
of human fecal matter

1378
01:01:27,225 --> 01:01:28,768
has filled the air.

1379
01:01:29,268 --> 01:01:31,979
And for the first time,
she gets her ass into gear

1380
01:01:32,063 --> 01:01:34,023
and she goes, "Oh, fuck!"

1381
01:01:34,107 --> 01:01:35,692
And she grabs the keys...

1382
01:01:35,775 --> 01:01:36,609
[laughter]

1383
01:01:38,528 --> 01:01:42,699
And I went, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

1384
01:01:42,782 --> 01:01:43,908
[laughter]

1385
01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:47,120
No point hurrying anymore.

1386
01:01:47,203 --> 01:01:48,579
[laughter]

1387
01:01:49,872 --> 01:01:52,375
You take your time."

1388
01:01:52,458 --> 01:01:53,334
[laughter]

1389
01:01:55,420 --> 01:01:56,963
[cheering and applause]

1390
01:02:02,802 --> 01:02:03,928
All right.

1391
01:02:04,011 --> 01:02:05,138
Now, before I go,

1392
01:02:05,763 --> 01:02:08,141
I'm gonna tell a very, very
quick little story.

1393
01:02:09,058 --> 01:02:12,729
Um... My mother passed away
a few months ago,

1394
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:15,148
and, um, when my mother died...

1395
01:02:15,231 --> 01:02:17,358
Look, my mother, uh was never...

1396
01:02:17,442 --> 01:02:19,318
Yeah, look, here's the deal.

1397
01:02:19,402 --> 01:02:21,320
My mother's not a-- wasn't a funny woman.

1398
01:02:21,404 --> 01:02:22,405
She had no...

1399
01:02:22,780 --> 01:02:24,115
no sense of humor,

1400
01:02:24,198 --> 01:02:25,491
never found me funny.

1401
01:02:25,575 --> 01:02:28,327
She never watched anything that I did
and went, "That was funny."

1402
01:02:28,411 --> 01:02:30,329
-But she was always...
-[laughter]

1403
01:02:30,413 --> 01:02:32,707
She was always very supportive of me.

1404
01:02:32,790 --> 01:02:36,210
And, you know, the only per...
she was the only one in my life,

1405
01:02:36,294 --> 01:02:37,253
the only one,

1406
01:02:37,336 --> 01:02:39,547
that I bagged on my mother so much,

1407
01:02:39,630 --> 01:02:43,426
I called her Gunta, she was the butt
of so many fucking jokes that I said.

1408
01:02:43,509 --> 01:02:46,012
And I'll give her this,
she never complained,

1409
01:02:46,095 --> 01:02:47,972
not fucking once.

1410
01:02:48,598 --> 01:02:49,640
Not once.

1411
01:02:49,724 --> 01:02:51,309
[cheering and applause]

1412
01:02:51,392 --> 01:02:52,310
So...

1413
01:02:54,228 --> 01:02:56,105
I'd like to tell one story

1414
01:02:56,189 --> 01:02:59,108
where she comes out of it
a little bit cooler.

1415
01:02:59,192 --> 01:03:00,026
Right?

1416
01:03:00,443 --> 01:03:03,529
Now, when I was about 13
and my brother was about 17,

1417
01:03:03,613 --> 01:03:07,492
we were home watching, uh, Star Wars.
Right? We were home watching Star Wars.

1418
01:03:07,575 --> 01:03:10,161
I was on the Throne of Misery,
my brother was on the couch,

1419
01:03:10,244 --> 01:03:11,245
watching Star Wars.

1420
01:03:11,329 --> 01:03:13,873
My brother Scott,
who's a fucking nutjob, right,

1421
01:03:14,290 --> 01:03:17,960
he turns to me and he goes,
"Hey, Jim, get me a Coke."

1422
01:03:18,586 --> 01:03:21,631
And I went, "Get your own fucking Coke,
I'm not gonna get you a Coke."

1423
01:03:21,714 --> 01:03:24,675
And he goes, "Get me a Coke
or I'll piss on the carpet."

1424
01:03:24,759 --> 01:03:26,219
[laughter]

1425
01:03:31,349 --> 01:03:32,600
"What? What?"

1426
01:03:32,683 --> 01:03:33,851
[laughter]

1427
01:03:33,935 --> 01:03:36,437
"Get me a Coke
or I'll piss on the carpet."

1428
01:03:37,063 --> 01:03:39,023
I go, "I'm not getting you
a fucking Coke."

1429
01:03:39,106 --> 01:03:42,318
And he's going, "So you'd rather
I just pissed on the carpet?"

1430
01:03:42,985 --> 01:03:45,613
I go, "I guess
that's what I'm fucking telling you."

1431
01:03:45,696 --> 01:03:46,614
[laughter]

1432
01:03:46,697 --> 01:03:49,367
And my brother walks to the middle
of the living room,

1433
01:03:49,992 --> 01:03:51,244
stands in front of me,

1434
01:03:52,036 --> 01:03:53,204
gets out his cock,

1435
01:03:53,621 --> 01:03:55,331
starts pissing on the carpet,

1436
01:03:55,873 --> 01:03:57,166
and he looks at me and he goes,

1437
01:03:57,250 --> 01:04:01,963
"I don't know why you constantly find
the need to cause trouble.

1438
01:04:02,046 --> 01:04:03,631
[laughter]

1439
01:04:05,508 --> 01:04:08,302
It would have been so easy for you
just to get a Coke,

1440
01:04:08,386 --> 01:04:11,430
but, no, not Jim, has to be difficult."

1441
01:04:11,973 --> 01:04:14,308
Then he shakes his cock, puts it away,

1442
01:04:14,767 --> 01:04:16,519
goes back, lies down.

1443
01:04:16,602 --> 01:04:19,063
Now, this is the bit
that fucking kills me.

1444
01:04:19,146 --> 01:04:20,481
[laughter]

1445
01:04:20,815 --> 01:04:22,191
He doesn't get a Coke.

1446
01:04:22,275 --> 01:04:23,693
[laughter]

1447
01:04:25,695 --> 01:04:27,154
So, I was sitting there, you know,

1448
01:04:27,238 --> 01:04:30,199
40 degrees Celsius, no air conditioning,
fucking...

1449
01:04:30,283 --> 01:04:33,744
a puddle of urine in the middle
of the living room, just steaming upwards.

1450
01:04:33,828 --> 01:04:36,873
Now we're onto about... We're probably
on Return of the Jedi by now.

1451
01:04:36,956 --> 01:04:38,207
My mom comes in,

1452
01:04:38,916 --> 01:04:42,253
and she does that thing
that parents do when they have no words.

1453
01:04:42,336 --> 01:04:43,170
She walks in,

1454
01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:46,716
just to see the urine in the middle,
and she went like this,

1455
01:04:47,174 --> 01:04:48,009
"Why?

1456
01:04:48,092 --> 01:04:49,468
[laughter]

1457
01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:51,220
Who... Who would...

1458
01:04:51,470 --> 01:04:52,597
Who would... Why?"

1459
01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:53,890
[laughter]

1460
01:04:53,973 --> 01:04:58,477
And then she went, "Every fucking day
it's something different.

1461
01:04:58,561 --> 01:05:00,146
Every day."

1462
01:05:00,229 --> 01:05:01,397
[laughter]

1463
01:05:01,480 --> 01:05:03,232
And then she went, "Who did this?"

1464
01:05:03,316 --> 01:05:06,319
And I didn't want to get in trouble,
so I went, "Scott did it."

1465
01:05:06,402 --> 01:05:09,614
And she turned to Scott and she goes,
"What did you do that for?"

1466
01:05:10,072 --> 01:05:13,117
And he went,
"I told Jim to get me a Coke,

1467
01:05:13,910 --> 01:05:15,661
or I'd piss on the carpet."

1468
01:05:15,745 --> 01:05:17,330
[laughter]

1469
01:05:17,413 --> 01:05:19,332
And my mother turns to me and goes...

1470
01:05:19,415 --> 01:05:20,625
[imitates hard slap]

1471
01:05:20,708 --> 01:05:21,876
[laughter]

1472
01:05:22,793 --> 01:05:25,922
"Why didn't you get him a Coke?
You know he's fucking mental."

1473
01:05:26,005 --> 01:05:26,839
[laughter]

1474
01:05:26,923 --> 01:05:29,216
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

1475
01:05:29,300 --> 01:05:32,511
-[cheering and applause]
-Good night. I appreciate it, I really do.

1476
01:05:32,595 --> 01:05:34,639
[rock music plays]

1477
01:05:37,016 --> 01:05:39,018
[cheering and applause continues]