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- Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Tremors 6,
please make some noise for Mr. Jamie Kennedy.
Wow.
You guys, I gotta tell you somethin'.
I have starred in movies.
I have had my own television show.
I have played 5,000 people in London,
but tonight, I'm playing the back of a bowling alley
in Huntington Beach.
Woo!
Yeah!
Career's going great.
Agent's got me at a fucking smoothie stand next week.
How many people came here tonight
'cause they got my blast on Facebook?
Well, that was.
That was incredible, that was.
Two and a half people, that is.
Wow, this is starting great so far, this special, this is.
I'll be at a rolling skating rink next week.
I have 183,000 friends, okay, I have.
Just have two here,
in Huntington, Jesus,
but I've done a lot of, how many people came
'cause they heard me on the radio?
The marketing at this bowling alley is incredible.
This is.
How many people were just returning their shoes
and happened to see I was in the back
and just were?
Wait, this isn't like a Groupon show, is it?
I hate those.
I've done those.
60% off Jamie Kennedy,
with some teeth whitening.
You heard it though, they said I was the star of Tremors 6,
my latest credit.
How many people didn't know there was a Tremors 5?
That was a lot of clap, that was.
They're reviving everything, right?
Like they want me to do another Tremors.
I'm gonna do Tremors 'til I'm 80,
'til I have actual tremors.
This Soup is Hot.
Shittin' In a Bag.
Malibu!
Malibu, thank you sir.
Thank you, Malibu, Malibu.
I remember that job.
I love when people shout out old jobs.
Imagine if I did that to people.
Bed, Bath, and Beyond!
Chick-Fil-A!
DMV in the house.
I appreciate you guys recognize me, thank you,
'cause I never know my level of fame, you know what I mean.
I know, was that a mouse?
I never know my level of fame, you know what I mean.
Famous people, we're like animals.
You see one of 'em, it's like being on a safari.
All right, your girlfriend's out there,
she's like honey, honey, look, look, look, look.
I think that's a George Clooney.
He's eating an apple.
Hold on.
Here, Georgie, Georgie, Georgie.
I want him to eat out of my hand.
You see George Clooney, that's like seeing
a rare albino giraffe.
People see me, I'm more like a pigeon,
and I got yell directly in my face type of fame,
like people have no problems interrupting me at all.
People are always like, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, Jamie Kennedy, dude.
Hey, what are you doing in Olive Garden, dude?
Are you broke or?
I did that joke in Reseda, people are like,
what's wrong with Olive Garden?
I did that joke in Victorville, they go,
we have an Olive Garden?
I got recognized the other day, right.
I'm at the airport.
TSA lady, she took my license, she looked at it,
she's like, I'm Shannon.
I'm with Jamie Kennedy, okay.
Ooh, I used to love your ass back in the day.
I'm like, the day is still here.
It's Jamie Kenne-DAY, it's not.
It's not dusk, it's like 3:30.
I appreciate you letting me do that character,
'cause that was a black woman,
but it's, she lives inside of me.
Inside, I feel,
as a black woman, you know what I mean?
I think it's 'cause I watched
a lot of Angela Bassett movies
as a child.
I love Angela Bassett, right, that chick.
Even her littlest moments in her movies, she's so dramatic.
She's so good.
Little kid's like, little kid's like,
hey mom, can you pass the salt?
What I tell you about the goddamn salt?
Boy, your blood pressure's through the roof!
Your great-granddaddy Alonzo.
Black lady's laughing, white people don't know if they can.
It's okay, guys, it's Black-approved.
She is, Black lady approval.
Thank God you're here.
Thank God you are here, boo-boo.
Before I saw you, I thought
I was playing in Huntington Bleach.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I read something about myself recently that said this.
It said, Jamie Kennedy looks as if
Matthew McConaughey raped Bradley Cooper,
and my first question is, why does it gotta be a rape?
Why can't it just be a nice evening
with a couple of gentlemen?
Plate of Brie, right, why does it have to be?
I mean, I guess that's a compliment, right?
I mean, they're both good looking, Oscar-nominated.
I always wanted to work with Matthew and Bradley,
even it was a rape scene, I mean.
I think it'd be good for my career, actually.
I think it'd be bigger than Tremors 6, right?
Ass-Blasters Come Home.
Tremors fans get that joke.
That's a scene I wouldn't do with McConaughey though.
He's a, that's the one actor I wouldn't want to do that with
'cause he's, he's massive, all right,
all right, he's committed.
He lost 42 pounds and won an Oscar,
and he might just do it.
He might just, he's charming.
How you gonna stop him, right?
Just come out and be like, all right.
All right, all right, all right.
I say, now Bradley.
Now I'm gonna do you.
I'm gonna do you,
I'm gonna do you high, I'm gonna do you hard.
I'm gonna do you long, I'm gonna do you strong.
I'm gonna do you in the pooper, Cooper.
Ain't a dang thing you can do about it.
We gonna do it all in the back of a Lincoln Continental.
You guys see that commercial?
I auditioned.
Didn't get a callback on that.
Jesus God, these skinny jeans.
I'm not married yet, you know, and people think it's weird,
'cause I just turned 40,
six.
I'm waiting for the right time.
These things kinda, you gotta make,
it's a big decision in life.
I don't know if I'm ready to be married yet.
I grew up in the '80s.
I still feel like I'm 16.
I was part of a break dance crew.
When you're into break dance and people challenge you
to do something, you battle,
when they make you do something you don't wanna do,
so like, isn't that marriage every night?
My wife would be like, your night to do the dishes,
I'm like, nuh uh.
You scrub.
Take out the trash.
Nuh uh.
It always.
I mean, I used to have a girlfriend and she was very tall.
I used to call her the chainsaw.
I mean, she come at me man, she be like,
We're going to Jersey Mike's.
I don't need a chainsaw as a girlfriend, okay.
I'd like to have an oscillating fan, that'd be.
That'd be so cool, some woman who's just like,
Jah,
mie.
Someone who's quiet and who will gently blow me.
Ooh, it was scary to do that joke.
I'm glad you laughed, okay.
People say I can't do jokes like that anymore.
People, lady groups get mad.
I did that joke in New York, some lady stood up,
she goes, suck it yourself!
I wanted to tell her, if I could suck it myself, I would,
and I would swallow every goddamn drop.
I will finish the job.
I would take me down to a raisin.
That was weird.
I sound like Batman there.
Who are you?
I'm Batman.
I'm here to empty your bag.
I'm Bagman.
You can't, by the way you can't say blowjob anymore.
I don't use that word, women get mad.
I use codewords.
I was out with this girl the other night.
The end of the date, I was just like,
hey girl, what's up with that breezejob?
I caught myself standing like this like a freak, I was like.
I automatically led with that,
but yeah, I was just like a creep.
Windchill factor's kinda low.
I had a friend who's a girl.
You laugh, but it's very hard to have a friend who's a girl
'cause of sexual tension,
and if you don't believe that, you're a girl.
Girls are like, we're just friends, what, no.
He doesn't want to have sex.
He likes my brains.
Did you ask him?
Dudes will linger, right.
We'll linger, we're just waiting for you.
We'll just wait and wait and wait,
until you're just ready to be like, this bra's too tight.
Is it time?
Yeah.
Is it time?
It's only been a couple years.
I had this girl, right, she was really hot.
She always used me, I think she was using me
when she wanted errands done.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I'm like, okay Heidi.
I went shopping, I went to Petco,
I fixed all your fuckin' dog food, you need anything else?
She's like, well my birdfeeder's broken.
Could you maybe fix that?
And I said okay, I say, you know what, Heidi?
I think it's time for us to have sex.
That job has a tariff, okay.
That's a boyfriend job, all right,
and she goes, uh, I think that sex
would get in the way of our friendship,
and I'm like, uh, I think our friendship
is getting in the way of our sex.
I get jealous, though, of people.
People, probably a lot of couples here tonight,
people who are married, right,
got girlfriend or boyfriend or you're married.
I gotta go out, I gotta look for girls.
Okay, that sounded weird, I'm sorry.
I gotta go out, I gotta hunt for women.
I gotta see what's out there.
Gotta see what's out here in the beach.
No, but to date somebody properly,
to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend,
courtship takes time, all right.
That could be like a job.
I bet there's some people here tonight
who are on the clock.
All right, I took this girl on an eight-hour date.
Yeah, that's like a full shift.
I didn't even get a smoke break.
This girl wanted to go out.
She's like, I want to go, she wanted to go to museums.
She's like, I wanna go out, I'd like to see a Monet.
I'm like, I like to stay in and save my MO-NEY.
So I take this girl out, we have a nice lunch
and we went to a museum for four fuckin' hours.
Going to a museum is like, futile.
You gotta look at a bunch of stuff you don't buy.
You can't buy it, and at the end of the date she goes,
okay, all right, thank you,
and she's like, bye.
She went,
Fucking peck, fucking .
Fucking bird, right.
I'm all depressed, I was walking away like,
all right, I'll see ya.
Then she turns around and she's like,
you know, I'm kinda hungry again,
and I'm thinking, oh shit, right.
I'm thinking like, bird wants the worm, right,
and then she's like, she starts going,
so where do you want to eat, and she kept asking,
and I just realize, she just actually wanted food,
and I looked at her and I'm like, oh shit,
I know what she's trying to do, all right.
She's trying to hit me for a second meal.
She's trying to two-for-one me.
She's trying to eat around the feeding schedule.
She's trying to Groupon me.
I knew she was doing it too, 'cause she did that thing
that women do sometimes when they ask you for something,
but they're all scared and sheepish,
and they start sounding like Marge Simpson.
You know, um, I could eat something.
I'm saying, if you wanted
to eat something, I probably could.
I'm saying I'm not that hungry, but if you ate something
I could probably eat it with you.
What food,
but she was hot, you know what I'm saying.
I had to stuff her, right.
You gotta stuff a hottie.
I hate it when you take a hot girl out
and they don't eat anything.
They're like, ooh, I'm gonna have this kale.
I hate that, 'cause at the end of the night
they're all light,
and they can just run away,
like a gazelle.
Okay, bye.
Shit, the freeway already?
That's why I like to carb my hotties up, man.
I carb 'em up so at the end of the night,
they're like a sloth.
They get to my house and they're just like,
oh, God.
Hold on, let's just wait here, okay baby?
Maybe I could sleep here.
Jesus Christ, why am I so hot?
Do you have any Doritos?
'Cause it's all backwards, right?
These guys are out there, these guys who drug women.
That's terrible, I would never do that.
I just hit 'em with the loaf.
You hit 'em with a glu-ton bomb, right.
Puts 'em down, right, that slows you.
Seriously, the dating rituals are backward.
Do you agree with this?
We go out, we have a big meal,
and then we go home and we try to have sex.
Right, like yeah, my first question
is why do we eat before we skeet?
I don't know about you, but nothing makes me feel
less sexy than a big ol' bowl of pasta primavera,
with four cutlets and two pieces of key lime pie.
Okay, that's like a 3,000 calorie roofie, all right.
I'm out by, like, 8:15,
but we do it 'cause you're supposed to, right.
We're romantic, but here's what guys' brains are navigating
in their brain, they're like, hey girl.
Well, why don't we just have a big ol' bowl of primavera
in the bottom of the breadbasket, that's right,
bottom of the breadbasket.
Two bottles of Malbec, that's right, baby.
Well, you know how I'm feeling right now, baby.
That's right.
Uncomfortably full.
Yeah baby, but tonight I'm gonna,
I'm gonna take you back to my place, that's right,
because your place has one of those low-flow toilets,
and that ain't gonna cut it tonight.
There's not enough water pressure, baby.
Yeah baby, you're gonna get me naked.
I'm gonna squeeze, I'm gonna squeeze me a two, that's right,
and I'm gonna try to hold in that fart,
and I hope you hold in your fart too,
'cause I saw you eat a lot of mozzarella sticks,
and I know you're lactose intolerant.
That's right, baby, you want it, my baby.
Baby, let me put my food baby on your baby.
Ooh baby, feel daddy's food baby, baby.
Ooh, food baby on baby.
I'm sorry, baby.
Daddy's catching a nap.
Right?
These damn skinny jeans.
So anyway, I'm back on the, I'm sitting on the couch
with my beautiful sloth.
I'm giving her a little pita bread, I'm giving her a little.
Food is sexual, right, so I'm trying to get her in the mood
with a little, some carbs, you know, just a little,
num num, , num num, ,
and she's a bigger, she's a bigger, she's thick.
Am I allowed to say that?
She's T-H-I-C-C-C.
We start kissin' a little bit, ,
a little intimate, and I reach over,
and I try to get a little tit.
I'm in my 40s, I'm trying to get tit.
I own multiple properties.
I am trying to get tit.
I'm in negotiations for Tremors 7.
Tit!
I'm the firstborn son of two of Hollywood's
most gorgeous men.
That took you a minute for that joke, you were,
and then she goes like this,
she goes hey hey hey, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
She goes, I don't know you that well.
I was like, you got Google?
Type it in, I'll wait.
What the?
Then she's like, I don't even know your middle name.
I'm like, Alexa!
Tell her everything.
Women can't use that excuse anymore, right.
I don't know you that well.
Oh really?
The internet does, there!
Now take your top off.
Okay, okay.
Might cut that one out,
and then she goes like this, this is weird.
She had a sweater on, beautiful breasts,
little bit of cleavage, and she pushed it together,
and she goes, you want these?
I said, of course I want those, what the?
Why do you think my pantry's empty?
What are you talking about?
I got to go to Trader Joe's.
That's a weird thing to do, right?
Do that, what sort of a guy did that?
Hey, you want these?
I'd be arrested so fast in this climate.
I'd be on TMZ.
We've got Jamie Kennedy down in a bowling alley
in Huntington Beach, walking around touching his nuts,
asking people, where's the nearest Panera?
You go, Jamie Kennedy.
I'd be fuckin' cooked,
but then she's like, she goes like this.
She goes no!
No, you're gonna have to earn it.
Earn it?
Like it was currency,
like it was Titcoin.
That's why men and women have issues,
'cause we're so different.
Guys don't think like that.
If you touch a guy, if a guy's got a raging hard-on,
and you reach over and grab it, no guy's gonna be like, hey!
You get your Goddamn hands off me.
I don't even know your middle name.
I just met you eight hours ago.
You think this would feel good in your mouth?
No!
I'm gonna have to earn it.
I bless you.
No, right.
No, dudes are like, free tasting!
New coupon day!
Friends and family plan!
Giant liquidation sale!
Everything must go!
Clearing the Goddamn shelves.
Guys, I told you this date was eight hours.
So is this joke.
It's not even remotely done.
So I'm sittin' with her, right.
I'm like, well,
what do you wanna do?
She's like, well I like to get to know you.
Right, right?
I'm like, how you wanna do that.
She's like, I like to talk.
Oh, fuck.
She's trying to talk-block me.
Right, fuckin' 2:30 a.m. and she wants to have orientation.
Talk, talk should be like an infomercial product.
If you want to take a guy's raging boner down, talk.
Take the, should be an infomercial product
that you don't need, so essentially an infomercial, so.
It should be, just some woman's out there, hey ladies.
Tired of that pesky hard-on?
Well, hard-on be gone!
Spray a can of Talk at it, that's right.
Tell him your hopes, blah blah, your dreams, blah blah,
your rescue cat's name, blah blah blah.
Take that erection into a different direction.
Make him shrivel with that drivel.
The only thing he'll be getting
deep tonight is conversation.
Brought to you from the makers
of Not Tonight, I Have a Headache,
but she wanted to talk so it's like, I gotta listen.
I gotta listen.
So I was like, okay, so she starts talking.
It's 2:30 a.m. and she starts talking a lot.
You have that nervous energy like the sack's energy
turned into the talk energy.
Now she's like, well then,
my father bought a Prius and my mother became a lesbian
and my dog became a cat and then I realized I had celiac
and, and then she starts fuckin', just keeps goin'.
You gotta,
She did, she turned into the fucking bird I met,
and I'm like hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I go, I don't know you that well.
I said, you can't tell me all this.
She goes, well, how 'bout you listen?
I'm like, you do?
She's like, yeah!
And I realized at that moment my ears were valuable.
My ears were like tits,
and I was like, unh unh.
You gotta earn it.
I understand women have to hold it back.
You have to hold back the coochie.
Women hold back the coochie 'cause they don't want
to make it all about the coochie,
but by holding back the coochie,
aren't you making it all about the coochie?
Isn't that like pumpkin spice latte season?
We know it's coming.
We can't wait for it.
A lot of women say, I can't have sex
with somebody the first night.
I can't have sex with a guy on the first night.
He'll never call me again.
Like, who told you that?
Another woman?
If a guy, if you go to Vegas and a guy plays a slot machine,
and he pulls a lever and he hits,
he's gonna go back to that slot.
That's a lucky slot.
Mike, edit that part out,
but guys never go, oh my God, we went out one night.
No guy, what guy do you know that's like,
oh my God, we had a wonderful date.
We had a big dinner, we went out and had great conversation,
we fucked all night.
I hate the bitch!
She made it so easy, what a bitch!
Technology's ruining romance, though, right?
You agree with that?
Like right now, if a guy is remotely interested in a woman,
one of the first things a guy does
is he sends the girl a dick pic.
Like, dick pics are the new roses.
Guys are out there sending a dozen fresh dicks.
Do they even think the women like that?
Do they think the women are like,
oh my God, that is so sweet?
It's a shame they're not long-stem, but.
Guys are so desperate.
We're desperate animals.
We're so desperate that we put our dick in the phone.
Put our dick in the telephone.
You think Alexander Graham Bell,
do you think when he invented this thing,
you think he had any idea,
it was gonna be used for this?
You think he tested it for that?
He was like, he's with Mr. Watson.
Mr. Bell?
Yes, this is Mr. Watson.
This is the first phone call in the history of mankind.
We can talk to anyone, call tribes in Timbuktu.
That's excellent, Mr. Watson.
Yes, yes I can hear you, chap.
Clarity is fine, yeah.
Just one question, how do I fit my dick through this thing?
We must make the base wider.
I think guys were so desperate they were sending
dick pics before the phone.
I think they were probably sending dick telegrams.
Guys are out there talking in Morse chode.
We're getting a telegram, sir.
What does it say?
Dick.
End of telegram, sir.
I bet guys were doing it before that though, seriously.
Don't you think guys were probably sending dick paintings?
Like in the 1300s, the Renaissance.
Some English guy's out there with his little assistant,
his little serf, he's doing a painting.
It's like, look at the beautiful shaft, yes.
Look at the color, yes, and look at the texture.
Look at the size of the cap.
That is most excellent work, sire, yes.
Who on Earth do you intend this for?
I am going to give it to Princess Stephanie.
I shall leave it outside her window at two a.m.
I call it You Up?
And then you got these fairy tales and they're like
emotional porn for women.
Fairy tales, right.
Fairy tales teach women that guys are different, like me.
I think a lot of women just think of guys as like,
a perfect porn for a woman in her eyes
would just be a guy who's all built,
and is like, all right, skimmed your pool.
How 'bout those hedges, need those trimmed?
And the woman's just like, nanananana.
You worked so hard today, you're all sweaty.
Plus, my husband's not even here and I have no way to pay.
I'm just stretching.
I'm in my 40s, my back.
Women think the guy's gonna be like, oh you wanna pay me?
Oh yeah, I'll show you how you can pay me, all right, yeah.
You can pay me by sitting down right there
and you can start telling me all about your day.
Oh, you had two returns at Nordstrom's?
That's so fucking hot.
Someone took your parking space at Whole Foods?
Keep going, baby,
and fairy tales, they teach you to find Prince Charming.
You get this guy, right, Prince Charming.
Prince Charming, he's the perfect man, he's got
the perfect hair, perfect smile, the perfect shirt.
Like, Prince Charming's a little too perfect.
I'm not saying he doesn't exist.
He does, but he is not looking for you,
'cause he is out there looking for his own Prince Charming.
Prince Charming's as gay as a bag of Skittles, am I right?
He sucks the rainbow, all right?
Go and test my theory if you don't believe me.
All right, like Cinderella's a story about a guy,
Prince Charming, who chases a girl for three days
to give her a shoe.
That's gay.
Call your boyfriend the next time you lose a shoe.
Test my theory.
Boyfriend is gonna be like, hey.
What up babe, huh?
You lost your shoe?
It was a Jimmy Choo?
Who?
Jimmy Choo's a shoe?
Well, just go to Target, get two for $8, what?
Go to Sears, they're bankrupt.
Get four for $8, what?
Babe, don't make me come over there.
I just had a burrito and I.
I'm feelin' gaseous.
I bet if you lost your shoe in front of your gay friend
he'd be like, what!
Hold on.
Daniel, Jeffrey, get the van,
and get the CSI swab kit and the magnifying glass.
Where?
We'll be there in five.
We're gonna find this shoe
before the next episode of The Bachelor.
I love hip hop man, it raised me.
I can't listen to rap music anymore.
It's got too many N-words in it.
See how uncomfortable that's like?
Nair wants to know where this is going.
I do, any other white guy does
that part of the song comes on.
I shut my mouth immediately.
You know what I'm saying?
Right, you're in the shower, bro.
You got Biggie on Spotify,
and that one part of the song comes on.
I ain't saying shit!
There could be a camera in the loofah.
I wanna find replacement words for that part of the song.
See, nickel got a little weird, right.
Nair is like, where you going with this, baby?
Rappers never die of natural causes.
Isn't that twisted?
They don't, right.
They get killed, right.
That doesn't happen in other forms of music.
That doesn't happen in folk music.
No members of Mumford & Sons is suddenly gonna get got.
Not gonna,
what'd I tell you?
Oh, it's on, ya dirty leprechaun.
Fuck you, ya piece of shite!
You stole me shillelagh.
Rappers get killed, all right.
Biggie got shot, Tupac got shot.
They never die of natural causes.
You never see on the news,
and in news today, rapper Gucci Mane died today
after a lengthy battle with heart disease.
He was 74.
He is survived by all his .
I, I appreciate you guys letting me do some jokes
and not be offended.
People get offended at jokes now.
People say I can't do certain jokes no more.
I'm a white male in my 40s, it's not a good time for us.
Look at this guy shaking his head, poor bastard.
We had a good run, though.
We had a nice run.
I'll see you at the box, you know,
but people get all hurt about jokes.
I just wanna say, any minority, any person of color,
any person who feels marginalized at all,
that's what I say, should have the right
to go up to any white person at any time and just go,
Hey, fuck you!
And if the white person is cool,
they'll be like yeah, sorry about that.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I am, though,
but people say offensive stuff all the time.
We all say offensive stuff and get away with it.
A couple of years ago, if a black guy
wanted to give another black guy a compliment,
and he didn't want people to think they were gay,
they always ended the phrase with, no homo,
at the end.
Dude be like, yo, man, you workin' out, man?
Yeah, yo homes looking kinda big, man.
Could wrap a motherfucker up at night,
make sure those bedbugs don't bite.
No homo, know what I'm sayin', no homo.
What you usin' on your skin, man?
That shit looks smooth, man.
Looks like Rihanna's buttcheeks and shit,
know what I'm sayin'?
Smell tropical too, know what I'm sayin'?
No homo, you know what I'm sayin'?
I'm not gay or nothin', I'm just saying you're looking good,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Your lips is looking juicy, son, you know what I'm sayin'?
Dude, you watch that Matthew McConaughey-Bradley Cooper
rape movie last night?
No homo, know what I'm sayin'?
I'm just sayin'.
I'm saying if you wanna reenact that shit, we could.
I'm just sayin'.
No homo,
but that is offensive, no homo is offensive.
That's offensive to our gay friends.
Why does that phrase get a pass?
Imagine if I did that, what if I had a weird phrase?
I was just out like, yo, I just said 18 cents
on a cup of coffee, no Hebro.
Hey, today I did my own gardening, no Pedro.
Hey girl, let me get that BJ, no teeth-though.
I think gays should take the phrase back
and make it their own.
Just be like, hi waitress, can I have
a Diet Coke with a pink straw?
So homo.
There's Vincent, yo homo!
Guys, I think I'm missing out.
I think I wanna try pussy.
No homo!
No homo.
Now you go home, homo, and you blowjob.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
People worry about like, racism, classism, sexism.
I understand, we've gotta work on all that stuff, right,
but I don't think people talk about, enough,
I don't think people talk enough about the real problem
which is coming, which is roboticism.
Robots are coming, all right.
I mean, fuck, robots are already here.
I'm sorry, Uber drivers.
Robots have a way better sense of direction,
and they won't talk to me awkwardly
about their families back in Armenia.
My friend, where do you go?
Shut the fuck app.
That's what I tell 'em.
I'm sorry, doctors.
Robots are coming for you too.
Who do you think I'd rather have my balls held by,
an old Jewish guy who holds 10 pairs a day
for the last 30 years,
and likes to make small talk
as he's looking for my prostate.
Hey, what are you doing?
What have you been up to?
Haven't seen you in a while, what are you,
in that new movie Tremors?
Something about giant worms or something?
I'm like, Graboids.
Graboids?
I gotta Graboid your balls, come here.
Breathe.
You think I'd rather have that,
or the smooth, silky hand of an android,
all right, with automatic ball warmers?
Dick, James.
Your balls are clear.
I gotta go with Skynet on that one.
Robots are coming, man, and one good thing is
is this is going to be very efficient
and I also think that robots are gonna bring us together
as humans because all of us
are banding together, all races and sexualities,
and they're gonna be the new racist targets.
Right, you see truck drivers, I saw these truck drivers
looking at a driverless truck, right.
I watched them, I was looking at it,
and they were just talking,
I imagine what they were saying, just like,
look at this Goddamn rustback.
I say we take 'em apart and ship him back
to the factory they came from!
You're made in China, you go work in China!
Flesh and bone before chrome!
I went to IHOP the other day.
Half the menu's in English, the other half's in binary code.
You hear about Valerie?
Her little daughter's dating a robot.
Gonna have some kids.
Probably have a bunch of metal-lattos.
The other thing is that women,
you guys have known about this for a long time.
You're smarter than men, you're well thought out.
All right, you plan.
You've known about this robotic invasion for years,
'cause every woman in this room, in her top dresser drawer,
is a little, vibrating, shiny, wiggly robot.
It lights up, swivels,
and it may or may not have Wi-Fi.
You give it cute little names like Matthew McCumaghey,
Robert Downlow, Jr., Drake.
That thing has been doing men's jobs
for decades, you agree with that?
Ma'am, could you look more disinterested?
Thank you.
So, what the hell?
Please cut to her face.
Every woman has a robot in her drawer.
Mine need batteries.
No, but robots.
Hey, you ever think one of those
wiggly, vibrating robots that women have.
If you were out at the fucking mall and your bag
and it fell out on the ground and you're like,
ooh, sorry about that.
My husband's out of town.
Tommy Travel-a-lot, you know.
I gotta get mine, right.
Other women in society just go, oh yeah, you go girl.
You get it.
Mmm, right, but if I would had a backpack,
and some pocket pussy fell out and I was like,
sorry about that, that was actually a whole woman but,
I couldn't fit her in my bag so I just cut that area out,
and I'm just gonna use this to jam on my dick later
in the gas station bathroom
and twist it like a fuckin' orange,
I would be destroyed!
So when you leave here tonight,
may sure you tip your waitresses.
When they're walking by, give 'em a little smack on the ass,
'cause in three years, that thing's gonna be metal.
I'm sorry, Chanley, I'm sorry.
Shoulda went to college.
I hate student loan debt, by the way.
Fuck that shit.
I hate student loan debt commercials even more.
Is student loan debt ruining your life?
Is student loan debt ruining your credit?
Yes, and it's also ruining this episode of Maury.
I have a foolproof way we can stop this bleeding, okay.
Maybe not everybody needs to go to college.
The average cost of college in America
on the low end is $23,000, so for four years that is.
I don't know, but I have a phone
with a calculator who will tell me.
It's $92,000, I figured it out, 92.
$92,000, that's a lot of money.
Let's say you want to go to college.
Let's say you want to go to college
and want to get a degree in business.
Why not spend $2,000 on books on how to start a business,
watch a bunch of YouTube videos on how to start a business,
and use the $90,000 to start an actual business?
Let's say you want to go to college
and you want to take women's studies.
You know how much you can learn about women with $92,000?
Give a woman $92,000.
You'll get a degree real quick.
You can get a Ph.D., an M.D., STD, you can get.
You don't have to spend all that money.
You can just take her to a couple dinners for $500.
You'll learn all the women's issues you ever wanted to hear.
All right, but seriously though, do we need college?
I mean, do we really need another history teacher?
Why oh?
I have one, her name is Siri.
She's great.
She's, that's a lot of bullshit.
I'm not saying not everybody shouldn't go to college.
I mean, I don't want to walk in my doctor's office
and see, Proctology by DeVry.
ITT Technical Institute.
There's a lot of bullshit degrees out there, though.
Listen to this one.
University of Indiana,
they had a degree in bowling management.
Anybody here go to Indiana?
Bowling management, that means some poor guy learned,
poor guy had to pay almost $100,000
to learn how to deodorize shoes and make nachos,
and was like, bro, don't bother me right now.
I got my ball waxing final.
Left-right, right-left?
University of Connecticut, they have a degree in puppetry.
Puppetry!
Let me ask all the fathers out there.
Right now, would you be more depressed if your daughter
became a stripper or your son became a puppeteer?
Weigh those on the scales of disappointment in life.
You know that's a real scenario out there.
Some guy's talking to his friends.
Hey, Phil, how's the kids?
Aren't they grown?
Oh yeah, my young daughter's doing great.
She's now dancing the main stage during peak hours,
down here at the Golden Cheetah.
She even give a handjob
to a professional football player,
in the champagne room.
My little Cinnamon's making it rain!
How about your son, Phil Jr.?
Isn't he a puppeteer?
Yeah, we don't talk about him.
He's dead to us.
Puppeteer, man.
A poor guy paid almost $100,000 for him
to have his hand up a Fraggle's ass.
Fraggle Rock.
Hey Pop, you got a lot of debt.
I'm not saying not everybody shouldn't go to college.
I'm just sayin', I just don't think
you have to go to college if you're successful.
You agree with that?
Look at all the people who didn't.
We got Thomas Edison, Mark Zuckerberg,
Steve Jobs, Oprah, me.
Look how good I'm doin'.
I'm 46, I'm trying to get tit,
hangin' in a bowling alley.
You guys, that's it.
Thank you, thank you.
Stop it.
Thank you.
Appreciate you.