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- You guys, I gotta take a picture of this.
- Let her take a picture.
- I've been wanting a banana split for how many years?
- Could that be your new friend?
- Yes, it is.
- Don't you know? It's a famous thing.
If someone is a comedian,
then they came from rough-- you know?
Something bad, you know, 'cause you need to go onstage
and get attention from a big group of people.
That means that something's wrong with you,
'cause most people can just have a normal life, but not me.
I need to go onstage, and prove, and get attention,
and have people like me.
And that is because of something you guys did.
- Holy cow! That is such horseshit.
[laughs]
I've never heard such horseshit in my life.
Not everybody who needs attention
comes from a bad upbringing.
- Upbringing. - Not everybody.
- No. It's everybody,
and then there's people that will lie about it,
but I'm not gonna lie.
- I'd suggest you clarify it.
- My full name is Esther Povitsky.
Rawr.
And when I first started doing stand-up, someone asked me
if I was gonna change my name for the stage,
and I said no.
I thought about it, but I like Povitsky.
It's unique, and then he said, "No. We meant Esther."
And I was like, "Oh, right. I forgot.
Both my names are ugly."
I don't just sound like a Polish cabbage farmer.
I sound like a very old Polish cabbage farmer.
Whatever. I'm hot...
for my name.
You know that's true. Okay. When they say Esther Povitsky,
and I walk out, you're like, "Okay."
But literally, if someone was like,
"This is my friend Ashley," you'd be like, "Ew."
"Why is Adam Driver's little brother wearing that skirt?"
- There you were onstage, and I didn't think
that you were in anything else that I saw.
Your dance--
Your dance was, like, horrible.
I mean, I couldn't sit through it.
You know, that modern dance. - Yeah.
- Esther, what do you got-- oh, that's--oh, a shadow.
I thought you had something under your nose.
- What? - I guess it's a shadow.
Okay. Sorry.
- You never had the lead.
If you had the lead, I'm gonna go.
But why didn't I go to that one?
What was it? Mar?
- I did stand-up in Canada last weekend.
Is anyone here from Canada?
Yeah, 'cause why would you be here?
It's crazy to me that Canada has universal healthcare.
It's free. They have free healthcare for everybody.
As an American brat, like,
I can't wrap my head around that concept,
because I am a hypochondriac, and I--
like, why wouldn't I want to spend all day
with a rich, hot doctor?
Medical attention is still a form of attention.
What is to stop me from stabbing myself in the stomach
and being like, "It's your problem now, babe?"
I hate the word horny.
I really hate that word.
It's creepy, and it makes me uncomfortable.
It's not hot. Like, if someone asks me,
"Are you horny?" I'd be like,
"I was until you said that.
Now I'm scared."
I say something different though.
Instead of horny, I say hot and ready.
Yeah, because it conveys the same message, right?
And it also makes it sound like I might be a slice of pizza.
And I do feel that having sex with me
is a little bit like having sex with a slice of pizza,
'cause I just lie there,
and you can blot the grease off with a napkin.
Now, I don't want to just lie there.
I really don't, okay, but then we can't have sex after dinner.
My stomach hurts.
If you want me to move for you during sex,
it's gotta be at 11:00 a.m., actually.
At 11:00 a.m. I'm so skinny and pretty, okay?
My makeup is fresh. I've digested my breakfast.
I've shit from my coffee.
I can move at 11:00,
but after dinner, I'm gonna lie there.
But I'm gonna be confident about it, and I sell it, okay?
I'm just like--
And I talk, you know?
I talk, to make it good.
I say stuff, and I say good stuff, you know?
Not just like, "I'm stressed about work."
I have been told
that the things I say in bed sound fake,
and I'm just like,
"Yeah, because they're fake."
What?
Did you really think I "needed your dick?"
No, no, no. Oh, my God. No.
I said that 'cause you bought me sushi,
and I was being polite.
I once had a guy tell me that I was the kind of girl
you have sex with in your car, but not your house.
I was like, "Thank you, officer."
For real though, when you look like me,
you tend to date guys
who have really strong feelings about magic,
and if I can pretend to like magic for one night,
aren't I the greatest magician of all?
Magic has always been the perfect subject for me
to pretend I either like it or dislike it.
Like, I used to pretend to like sports.
Guys, girls don't like sports, okay?
And if you meet a girl, and she likes sports,
it's just 'cause her dad really wanted a son.
I've seen girls talk to guys, and they're like,
"Hey, did you see LeBron scored a double triple?"
And I just want to walk up to them and be like,
"You're beautiful.
You don't have to do this.
Come with me. Let's go to Sephora."
Maybe I should start my own magazine.
- No. Write a book. Think about it.
You know how to write. You're a good writer.
- Do you think I'm a good reader?
- Reader? Yeah. I think you're a great reader.
- Why are you laughing? - 'Cause you bought up
that book that you never read.
- Don't bring that up. - Okay. Come on.
I want to show you these different books.
I saw Amy Schumer.
- Oh, yeah. I see Judd Apatow, Ellie Kemper, Norm Macdonald.
- Every one of these guys is stand-up.
Bog Saget. You can write a book.
For you, it might be a comic book.
- I wish I could read.
I really do. I try to read.
I buy books.
I open books, and then I black out,
and I'm on Instagram, and I don't know what happened.
I'm like, why does "Gone Girl"
have a chapter called #SummerHairStyles?"
I like Instagram.
I have a lot of friends who don't like it.
They say it makes them feel insecure, and I'm like,
guys, just unfollow the hot people.
You'll be fine.
That's what I did.
I wake up. I look at my Instagram feed.
I feel so good about my life.
Who do I follow? I follow a lizard.
I follow a bakery.
I follow a bird with no hair.
I follow this woman that makes tiny replicas of food,
like, little eggs, and little hash browns
and stuff, and she's never posted a photo of herself,
but I know I have to be prettier than her.
I also like Instagram, 'cause I can meet someone new
and then instantly learn all about their life, okay?
I can see who their friends are.
Where do they like to go out to eat?
Do they have a dog? What do they wear to the beach?
There is something I don't want to see on your Instagram,
and that is a paragraph about your mental illness.
I'll see the photos.
I'll put it together myself.
Yeah.
Don't hand it to me.
I want to play Instagram detective at home.
- So this whole thing is--
the reason we're in this
is because you want to show people why you're so neurotic?
Because of your upbringing,right?
- Well, I didn't say I was neurotic.
- Well, what are you? You seem to be--
- I'm too scared to ride a bike or swim.
I'm pretty needy. - We're going back to this.
- You're needy. All right, but--
- Some people say that. - Why--
What do you attribute your tenaciousness to,
where you stick to it, and you--
- Oh, that's easy.
It's that, unlike some people who where their parents said,
"Oh, you're so good. You're so good."
For me, right at an early age, you guys told me
I was bad at stuff, so that was not new to me.
That would never discourage me when I went out in the world
and someone said, "No. You're bad."
That really just fell right off me,
because I was so used to hearing it from a young age,
by my parents.
From my parents.
- Did you tell her she was bad ever?
- No. - Ever?
- For example, like when I audition for something,
and I don't get it, over and over again,
that's normal for me.
I'm used to trying and failing.
- Because of... - Because--
- Your abusive parents? - No, because my parents
never thought I was special.
- Oh, God. Let me out of the car!
- Sometimes--
- Let me out of the car.
- Mom... - Yeah. You're wrong.
- Am I wrong? - Yeah. I think so.
I don't think we were awful.
- No. I didn't say you were awful.
- I'm not gonna be in this thing.
- I don't think we were negative.
- We're gonna get arrested,
if she puts this on her special.
- I have my own complaint in the bedroom.
That's that the guy I'm with--he won't let me
call him daddy in bed.
It's messed up. Yeah.
He says it's because he's not a pedophile.
I know. I don't believe him, either.
Absolutely not. I have the cheeks of a toddler.
I wear a size three in kids' shoes.
You have demons. Let's face them, okay?
But now I'm insecure, because I'm like,
Why won't he let me call him daddy in bed?
Like, what's the real reason? And I'm just like,
what if it's because I didn't go to a good enough school,
and he's not proud of me?
What if he's legit just like,
"Sorry. No daughter of mine went to a state school."
Now, sometimes when I say
that I want to say "daddy" in the bedroom
I can feel judgment,
and I think people's minds go to a bad placed about it.
They're like, "Oh, she has daddy issues.
Yeah. She wants to fuck her dad."
No! Oh, my God. I don't want to fuck my dad.
That's disgusting. He's 75, and he's broke.
- I get that men are attracted to younger women.
That's a normal part of life. I totally understand that.
But I do think it gets kind of creepy
when men start talking about 18-year-old girls.
I don't like that, okay? 18-year-old girls are children.
I know this, because I was a child until I turned 27.
This whole barely legal, like, countdown clocks
for someone to turn 18-- it's just gross,
and the reason I think it's gross
is because 18-year-old girls are disgusting.
No. They're vile, nasty, disgusting humans.
I was one. I will tell you all about it.
Picture me, 18--
I know it's hard, 'cause I look 14 as-is.
When I was 18, I had never washed my hands before.
Seriously.
I didn't wash my hands till I got to college.
A sophomore showed me how.
When I finally did it so much came off.
Also, I had no idea you were supposed to wash your bra.
I still don't, but at least now I know I'm supposed to.
But my favorite thing that I did when I was 18
was I shit my pants at a Cold Stone Creamery.
That's right.
This young, hot, sexy, barely legal slut.
And what did I do next?
[imitating hi-hat]
I threw my underwear away at Maggiano's.
And then what?
I went back out, and I enjoyed my day at the mall.
Because 18-year-old girls shit and rally.
- What's this? Bread on the floor?
- No. I was downstairs, and they offer--I said,
"That bread looks really good,"
and they offered me a piece of bread.
- So you put it on the floor?
- He thinks that we're gonna be
in this special,
like, 20 minutes of it or something.
- It's my big break. - He thinks it's his show.
- Oh, my God. Are you serious? - Yes. He thinks it's his show.
- What's wrong with-- you need your own life.
- I know. - Well, wait a minute.
- Seriously. - Who says that what she says
is correct?
- You think we're gonna be a lot of--
a big part of it? - No.
- We're filling in 20 minutes. - "All in the Family,"
created "The Jeffersons." - Because she can't do any more
than that. - So we'll be--
- How could you say that about my stand-up?
I know what you're thinking when you look at me.
I look like your babysitter.
I know. Yeah.
I look like a good babysitter, because I look nice,
but not quite hot enough to ruin a marriage.
Yeah.
In fact, if you're married, and your husband comes home,
and he makes you breakfast in bed three days in a row,
it's because he just had sex with me and was like,
"I need to make this marriage work."
I don't wreck marriages. I strengthen them.
You're welcome.
[applause]
You guys, thank you so much for coming out tonight.
I had so much fun with you. [cheers and applause]
Thank you. I appreciate you.
I'll see you next time. Have a great night.
[cheers and applause]
- Esther Povitsky!
- Did you ever think that I'd headline a comedy show?
- Mm-mm. - Oh, it's not that big a deal.
- Oh, okay.
- It's not Madison Square Garden.
- Was this better than my dance recitals?
- Oh, a thousand times.
I hated your dance recitals. I did.
- I had kind of a rare interaction, for me.
A couple months ago, I was at a stoplight,
and a Mustang pulled up next to me
with two really young, good-looking men in it,
and they gesture over at me to roll my window down.
And I was like, "Okay."
I know a moment ago I said I didn't like hot guys,
but obviously that was a defense mechanism.
So I roll my window down.
I'm kidding. My car is a piece of shit.
It's not that bad.
I roll my window down like,
"Hey, guys, what's up?"
'Cause when I talk to men
I like to sound like a second-grader.
I don't know why.
It's just an instinct.
And this really cute guy sticks his head out the window,
and he goes, "Your muffler's dangling."
I was absolutely not ready to give up
on the fantasy I had created, and I just, without thinking,
look at him and go,
"Your muffler's dangling."
He's like, "No seriously. It's dangerous.
Sparks are flying."
I'm like,
"I feel that too."
Anyways, now my car's in the shop,
and I'm pretty sure he was 16,
and I might have used to babysit for him.
- For one teacher, I went for the conference,
and he said to me,
"I never know which Esther I'm gonna get
when she comes to class."
He says, "It might be the Esther that is prepared
and has her homework or the one that hasn't done anything."
And then he says, "Will the real Esther please stand up?"
- What teacher was that? They sound disgruntled.
- And you told me that the teacher
locked you in the closet, and you wanted me to go,
and report him, and call the police.
And you were crying and carrying on, and you said,
"They locked me in a room, 'cause I was being bad," and--
- They locked her in the closet?
- That's what she said. She claimed.
- Did she? - I don't remember that.
I blocked it out. What?
- You claimed you were locked in a closet,
and you insisted you wanted me to go to the school--
- What did you do? What did you do?
- She wanted me to go to the school and file a complaint.
- And you didn't? - No.
I said I'm sure you're exaggerating it,
because you always blow everything out of proportion.
- Someone locked your child in a closet
which is--that should be illegal right there,
and you chose to side with the school?
- That was a good idea, to put you in the closet.
We should have thought of that.
- Because I didn't believe you. That's why.
I'm sure you were over-exaggerating.
Oh, this is the rice dish.
- I'm over my ex. Someone asked that, right?
I heard that. No. I really heard someone ask.
I'm over him,
but I did watch his wedding ceremony video
on Facebook,
in full screen mode,
and his wife did block me on Facebook.
But good news, I did create a second account,
so in a way, I earned my right to watch that wedding.
Anyways, I watched it. I got kind of upset,
and my current boyfriend walked in and asked me,
"What are you watching?" And I said, 'Parks and Rec.'"
And he's like, "No you're not. I see what you're watching.
That's the wedding of the guy you used to date
who looks like me."
I was like, "Yeah. Sorry."
He's like, "Do I need to worry about this?"
and I was like, "No."
And he just goes, "Okay," and walks out of the room.
I'm like, why do you trust me?
What?
How good was your childhood
that you just believe the things I say?
That's crazy.
He is so confident.
Nothing makes him jealous, which sucks for me,
'cause I thrive off of jealousy.
And I don't get it.
His confidence comes from nowhere, okay?
He has arthritis. He has sleep apnea.
I'm like, you can't even make it through the night.
If the power goes out, you're dead.
Like, where do you--how do you find this confidence?
So I did something, you know, to make him jealous,
and we all do stuff like this.
It's totally chill. We all do stuff like this.
It's so not a big deal. It really isn't.
I changed my best friend Christina's name, in my phone,
to say "Mike from the gym."
And so Christina and I texted all day.
Poor thing had no idea,
and I waited till we made dinner plans, and she texted,
"See you tonight at 8:00" with a heart emoji,
and I left my phone out on the coffee table...
and waited.
And he walks in, and he looks at my phone,
and he goes,
"You don't go to a gym."
I'm like why didn't I just write "Mike from Dairy Queen?"
It would have been so much better.
- So this morning someone at Comedy Central called me,
and they said, "Bring your parents in."
I don't know why, but they said,
"If you're in New York with your parents,
we want to talk to them."
- Okay. - So--
- Sure. Welcome.
- Hi. I'm Anne. - Hi, Anne. Morrie.
- Morrie, nice to meet you - Hi. Mary. Nice to meet you.
- Mary. - So what exactly was it
that you guys--the top Comedy Central executives
in the room-- you had something to say.
I don't know what, but--
- I mean, I wanted to say
that it's been a pleasure working with you,
and you've been so great and collaborative,
and it's been such a warm, positive,
friendly, consistent experience.
You're very consistent, and she's a pleasure.
- Wow. Thank you. - A mature pleasure.
- Did you have something that you wanted to say
that you felt was so important
that you video-conferenced in from L.A.?
- Yeah. I mean, I would say this.
That we're doing-- Est--Esther--
one special thing about Esther is that she's always the same.
We're never concerned
about which Esther you're going to get.
You know, like, why would we be?
Because she's always the same.
- Wow. - And also no, like,
dramatic, like, moments.
No big explosions or, like, crying.
Has never exclaimed that a teacher or that a person
in a position of leadership has locked her in a closet.
Just all-around positives. - Wow. Wow.
I mean, what do you guys think about what you just heard?
- Well, I hope it's true.
It just doesn't sound like our Esther.
- No it doesn't, but they know you as an adult.
- I'm thinking about you, in the past.
It's funny. It really is.
- I guess I don't understand what's so funny.
- Well, they seem to say that you're consistent,
and growing up, it was inconsistent.
You never knew which Esther you were gonna get.
You know, you might fall off the cliff at any minute.
- What--that's crazy. - I used to go to bed at night
crying because I'd have such a difficult day with you,
and I would just lay in bed,
and I was like, "What did I do wrong?"
- Well, we used to call her Rose-Morrie's baby.
And you had a little bassinet
that looked like the one in the movie.
It was Rose-Morrie's baby, and we were afraid
that you would become something that was dangerous.
- Is there anyone here who is currently planning a wedding?
Love my lonely fan base so much.
So for me, the things I need to make my wedding day special
are, one, I need it to cost less than $1,000.
I need the day to be so magical that my mom cries,
but not because she's happy.
I need a venue that's large enough to hold my whole family,
but also has enough steps
that my grandma won't be able to make it.
I need to convince my skinniest,
prettiest friend to be the photographer,
so she can't be in any of the photos.
And most importantly, I need my wedding
to take place on my fiancé's birthday.
Yeah, so that every year his birthday an always be about me.
I think that's fair. Men don't need birthdays.
They don't. They really don't.
I don't hate men. This isn't some, like, anti-man thing.
I just don't think men need presents.
They're not pretty, right?
I think presents are, like, the lifeboats on the Titanic.
They're for women, children, and rich jerks.
This is my Miss America platform.
This is also my Miss America swimsuit.
- Well, we went to the village hall,
and I paid $10 for the judge, who was blind.
Seriously. Mary, wasn't the judge blind?
- Yeah.
- 10 bucks.
- Your wedding was $10? - We got married
on a Saturday morning. We were the only ones there.
- 10 bucks. What a waste of money.
- And--yeah. To our surprise, he was blind.
- You were there.
She was there, 'cause Mom was with child when we got married.
- Is that why you got married?
- And it's like, why did the mouse
and the elephant get married?
'Cause they had to. [laughs]
[dog growling]
Hey, you leave that dog alone.
[growls] I'll help you, Pepper.
- We've actually been together for five years.
Yeah. It's kind of a long time.
Yeah. Thank you, and last year,
we celebrated our four-year anniversary
with a special weekend trip to Santa Barbara.
The reason it was special is we were going back
to the same place that we went to
the first time we ever took a trip together,
so in my head, I'm like, Okay, he's 40, I'm 30.
Nostalgic weekend.
Four-year anniversary."
What's about to happen?
- Propose. - Propose. Yes.
Thank you. I'm not crazy.
So I am in the best mood ever, right,
'cause I'm about to own half this person's stuff.
So we drive there.
I don't remember if it's up or down,
'cause I'm not helpful.
We stop at a gas station.
I buy four bags of Doritos,
'cause everything is half off to me now,
and once we arrive, I'm like,
"This is a really big weekend, so I'm gonna be sexy,"
which for me just means "be clean," so I took a bath.
So I get in the tub right away, and he walks in,
and he kneels down over the tub, so he goes,
"Hey.
I just want you to know
that I'm not proposing to you this weekend."
He's like, "Yeah."
Did someone just say, "Hell yeah?"
Security.
He goes,
"I just didn't want you to be thinking about it every time
we took a walk, or had a meal,
or made eye contact."
And I just say back--I'm like,
"I just want you to know that I just got my period.
It's really heavy."
He's like, "How heavy?"
I'm like, "Have you seen 'Kill Bill Part 2'"?
I was upset, okay?
I got out of the tub.
I dried off. I put my clothes on.
I packed up my stuff, and I headed for the door,
and I just started going off on him.
And then he stops me. He's like, "Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.
I just meant I'm not proposing to you this weekend, okay?
I'm gonna propose. It's just that the ring isn't ready.
I didn't want to say anything. I wanted it to be a surprise."
I'm like, "Oh. Oh.
I wish you would have told me that, like,
before I said I hated your family.
It's all good."
Anyways, we had a nice weekend.
A few weeks later he proposed.
I said yes. We got engaged.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.
Anyways, he proposed to me with a family diamond
which when I first heard it was a family diamond
I was kind of like, "Ew."
It's kind of scary.
Like, I don't know anything about the people
who wore this ring before me,
other than that they all got old and died.
It sounds cursed.
It's also not like he's a Kennedy, okay?
He's Ashkenazi Jew.
They don't have the most romantic history.
So I have the family diamond.
It's actually really pretty.
I do enjoy it,
and every time I look at it I'm just like,
[sighs]
"Nana couldn't smuggle something
a little bigger out of Germany?"
I don't know.
I'm half Jewish, half regular. Relax.
- Esther's tap recital. - There we go.
- Esther's kindergarten show. - That's good. Oh, that's good.
- Then we have-- - Put it on.
- Mary, stop reading and put it on.
Okay. We'll put 'em on now. - I mean we got enough.
- Something you may not be able to tell
by looking at me and my height--I was breastfed.
Thank you. Thank you.
I was actually breastfed too long,
and the reason I know this is because my mom told me
it was really easy to get me to stop breastfeeding,
'cause she could just say to me,
"We're done now," and I understood her.
And I guess I even had a response and said,
"Yeah, Mom. I have to go to work.
But I'm really hungry.
Can you pump me a snack for later?"
Guys, that's a joke. That's not true.
But I was really breastfed too long.
I was breastfed till three-and-a-half. Yeah.
Most of you are too young to realize
that that's not okay,
and the real reason that I know, in my heart,
that I was breastfed too long
is because I remember it.
That's right.
I'm very confident that if I didn't remember it,
I would not be on this stage right now.
It's messed up that my first memory of being alive
is of hooking up with my mom.
Now, my mom is hotter than me,
and I'm not just saying that 'cause we did hook up.
I'm not trying to brag.
And I don't mean my mom was hotter than me
when she was my age.
No, no, no, no, no. I mean my mom is hotter than me
actively, right now, today.
When people hear that they're like, "What? No. What?"
And I'm like, "It's really simple."
Here's what happened. My mom met an ugly guy.
He had a house. She wanted it.
She fucked him.
Here I am.
Okay? The numbers do crunch,
And I used to resent my mom for being hotter than me,
until I realized,
oh, I can use my hot mom to my advantage,
because if I ever met a guy,
and maybe he wasn't that into me,
all I had to do is bring my mom around,
and set him down, and be like,
"Hey, you might not like what you see today.
Totally fair.
But if you put the time in...
this can be yours.
And I don't just mean I'm gonna become my mom.
I mean, in a few years, my dad will be dead,
and you can have her too.
We're a package deal. We do a breastfeeding thing.
all: ♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday--
- Are you prepared if you do get your period?
'Cause last time you came to town you called me at work,
"Mom, do you have any tampons?
Mom, where are the pads?"
So do you have some for Indiana?
- I don't. No. I honestly didn't expect--
- Are you supposed to get it? - Well, I only--
just 'cause my boobs feel big and sore.
- You're not pregnant are you? - No. I'm not pregnant.
- I saw the pregnancy test in the hotel.
- [laughs] You're so fuckin' nosy.
I knew the second I let you into my hotel room
that you were gonna see everything in there.
- So are you trying to keep me out?
- Did you have to dig around, or did you just see it?
- I went to the bathroom,
and I couldn't miss it in the garbage can.
- Why are you doing this?
- If you're having cycle problems,
it may indicate you could have a problem, you know?
- Well, maybe I'll get a handmaid.
- Boy, those give me a headache.
Watching those shows. They make me dizzy.
- Dad? - What?
- Mom just told me that I wasn't gonna be able
to have a baby. - You what?
- She told me that I wasn't gonna be able to have a baby.
- I don't know what she means.
- I need a volunteer, so I can go through your purse.
Sure, it may be a slight violation of your privacy.
Who cares? Okay. Let's see your purse.
Where are you from?
- Florida, but I moved here in March, so here.
- So you still have a lot of Florida on you.
- Yeah.
- When you spring break do you go to, like, school?
Delta Sky Mile. You travel a lot?
- A lot. - For what?
- Work. Fun. Wherever cheap tickets are.
- What does that mean about the ticket price
to the show tonight?
Oh, no. Do you have a heart condition?
- I went to an oxygen spa before I came here.
- Lost Angeles is ridiculous.
They'll just take our money in any way possible.
It's so sad.
Okay. What's your passcode?
- 0-8-9-6.
- Who's Anna Johnson? Whoever she is,
she's a good friend, 'cause she sends you
vegan pumpkin muffin recipes.
- That's me. I sent it to-- - Oh, my God. That's yourself!
I just want you to know I do the same thing too.
Uh-oh. - What is it?
- I'm not gonna say.
- Is it bad? - I'm gonna show it to you,
and then you can tell me what I should do.
- Do whatever you want.
- Okay. "Hiring private models
18 years old with valid ID and passport."
The most diverse purse I've ever gone through.
It starts with a bible podcast business card
and goes all the way to sex worker.
I'm proud of your journey.
Hotel key. - Yeah.
- Did you already start your job?
- No. I got--
- I smell a skunk. That's what I smell.
- Oh, he got skunked.
- Oh, he got him there. I smell it.
- Oh, I see it.
I can't believe it. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Oh, shit.
He did. He got skunked. - Oh.
- Oh, my God. What do we do? - Oh, man.
- Mary, let's go. - Mom, hurry up.
This is like an emergency.
- Well, go downstairs and find the shampoo.
- I'm scared of the basement.
- Please go down and get it off the shelf.
- He got--ohh. Ohh.
Oh, he got it in the face. - He's--
He got it-- Open this gate, fucker.
- Mom, his mouth--I--
Ohh! Ugh!
- [laughs] - Ooh, he stinks.
- Did you find the shampoo?
- I'm scared of the basement at night.
You don't know the things I've seen.
- You're gonna be scared of me, in a second.
- Ahh! Found it. I found it. Oh!
- Sprayed the whole bathroom. - Should I turn on the fan?
- Oh, yeah. Please. - Oh. Oh, my God.
- What did you drop? - It's so bad.
- Then get out of here. - You're wearing my shirt?
- You gave it to me. - Ugh!
Lately, my guy friends have taken it upon themselves
to give me some very interesting advice.
They have been telling me,
"Esther, don't tell people you're 31.
Don't let people know that, okay?
They don't need to know. Let them think you're younger."
I'm like, "You're so ugly.
If I could tell you to tell people
that you weren't ugly, I would,
but there's nothing we can do about that, okay?"
And I'm just like, this makes me mad.
We're all getting older. I'm getting older.
You're getting-- everyone's getting older.
It's not a big deal, okay?
Because no matter how old I get,
there will always be someone older and crustier than me
that wants to fuck me, okay?
Larry King is single.
The thought alone makes me hot and ready.
Also, I tell my guy friends, I'm like,
do you even know who Lauren Sanchez is?
You dumb idiot.
Does anyone here know who Lauren Sanchez is?
- Jeff Bezos' girl. - Thank you.
For those of you that didn't hear,
Lauren Sanchez is the woman who broke up Jeff Bezos' marriage.
That's right.
She broke up the marriage of the richest man in the world.
You know how old she is?
50 years old.
You know how many marriages I can ruin
in the next 19 years?
Cut to me only ruining my own marriage.
Okay. I like this, but these-- so these are the jeans.
A smaller-- - Should I get out of here?
- Which I think are--
- Too much stomach. - What don't you like?
- I think the-- - I really don't like that top.
- Why? - Too much stomach.
Put that cream-colored top on and go.
- No. I give up.
[indistinct chatter]
Do I look fat in it? Yes or no.
- [laughs]
- Do you think these are too tight?
- Maybe.
Turn around.
- They don't feel too tight. Do they look too tight?
- Turn around. - Again?
My fiancé threw a bachelor party,
which is pretty shady,
since we don't have a wedding date.
That's not really a bachelor party.
That's a trip to Vegas with your three sketchiest friends,
so I was suspicious and nervous, and...
I showed up.
I did, so I drove him to the airport,
dropped him off, he flew to Vegas,
and then I circled around, parked my car,
and I also flew to Vegas.
And I was like, this is a big deal
what I'm about to do.
So I wanted to be respectful about it, to some degree.
So I booked my own hotel room,
and not even at his hotel.
I booked it at a different hotel
where I had a view of his hotel from my hotel.
And I waited until it was really late Friday night,
[sighs] and I was like, I'm just gonna go up to his room.
I'm just gonna knock on the door
and see what's going on.
Now, I didn't have his room number,
so I went to the front desk, and I'm like,
"Hey, could you just tell me my fiancé's room number?"
And she's like, "If he's your fiancé, why don't you ask him?"
And I was like, "Whose side are you on, bitch?"
So then I remembered how do you log into Wi-Fi
when you're staying in a hotel?
Last name and room number.
So I typed in his last name,
and then every single room number at the Aria--
it was only like 40,000 numbers,
it was chill--
until I got a match.
[sighs]
I feel like this might be the part of the story
where you realize, "Oh, she really did this.
This is bad."
So I have the room number,
and I'm like, I'm gonna go up.
I go up to his room. I knock on the door.
He opens the door, looks at me,
immediately closes the door.
My heart is racing. I have no idea what's about to happen.
He opens it back up.
He just looks down and goes like this.
I barge in. I'm like, "What's going on?"
I look around.
He's folding his shirts and watching the news.
What the--
I honestly didn't know Vegas had the news.
At that point I was like,
"What kind of dork am I about to marry?"
And this you'll never believe.
He was very angry that I was there,
and I was like, "You know what? I'm sorry. This was crazy.
This was a mistake. I feel so stupid.
I'm getting out of here. You're not gonna see me again,
at all, all weekend, until Sunday.
I am on your flight back. Sorry about that."
And I like to call that weekend Ocean's 1.
[cheers and applause]
- Thanks for supporting my psychotic behavior.
I appreciate you.
- Okay, sleep tight. Muah.
- Am I your best friend? - You want the light on or off?
- On.
Are you my best friend?
- I don't have a best friend.
All right. Goodnight. I'm tired. [yawns]
- I love you - Goodnight.
Get a good night's sleep. Love you.
- Goodnight.
[jazzy music playing]
[chatter]
♪
- We can't pull out all of your trophies.
- Oh, whoa! I had that. - Is that you?
- Yes. That's me.
That's just--it was a very different time.
- Wow. That's the coolest picture
anybody in our family's ever taken.
- Yeah. Aunt Julia, you look so hot,
and I love that outfit. - Oh.
- She broke all my friends' hearts.
- Mine too.
- I used to steal all of her clothes.
I mean, how were you always so on-trend?
- She insisted.
[all laughing]
- You got your perfect skin from Grandma, too.
- Yes. - Yes. Well, good genes.
- So what the hell happened to me then, huh?
- We'd all like to know that one.
No, but it's like I always say, eat well, sleep well,
take care of your skin.
- [gasps] What?
Oh, sorry. I'm reading an article
about how to ask out your Subway sandwich artist.
- Oh, I like that for you.
- [clears throat] What's the story with this one?
- Yeah. Wait, where is that from?
- Oh, oh, oh. Okay.
I was in London.
I had just graduated college. - Yes.
- And I was just wandering around.
I found myself in the Chelsea flower market.
- Come on!
It says you're not supposed to order chips.
- Jesus.
- Esther, you always get chips.
- Yeah.
- That's my daughter, so back to the photo.
- Mm-hmm. - I was in the flower market.
- Uh-huh. - Minding my own business,
looking at these beautiful flowers,
and I get a tap on my shoulder.
Gentleman says, "May I take your picture?"
It turns out he is the famous photographer Richard Avedon.
- Ahh! - Richard Avedon!
- I told you, you should go to college. Yes!
[light music]
- ♪ My mom is so pretty
♪ Elegant and fine
♪ Her hair looks perfect
♪ Like, 100% of the time
♪ Her features are small and delicate ♪
♪ She's hotter than your mom, I bet ♪
♪ But it only makes me sad
♪ 'Cause I look more like my dad ♪
[sighs] - ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
- ♪ I've got my dad's eyebrows ♪
♪ I've got my dad's nose
♪ I've got my dad's shoulders
♪ I've got hair on my toes
- Gross. - Just the big ones.
♪ My mom's graceful as a swan
♪ I look like a hobbit with overalls on ♪
♪ It's bad
♪ I take after my dad
- ♪ She's her father's daughter, daughter ♪
♪ She's her father's daughter, daughter ♪
♪ She's her father's girl
- ♪ I chew with my mouth open
♪ Whenever I'm eating
♪ My sideburns are out of control ♪
- ♪ And your hairline's receding ♪
- Yeah, I know.
- ♪ Her mom's skin is smooth as glass ♪
- ♪ But I've got my dad's pores and his weird, flat ass ♪
♪ It's grim
♪ I look more like him
- ♪ She's her father's daughter, daughter ♪
♪ She's her father's daughter, daughter ♪
♪ She's her father's girl
♪
- Big forehead.
♪
- Fat calves.
♪
- Bad posture.
- Athlete's foot.
- It's not as if you're unattractive to men.
You're just a little bit uglier than you should have been.
- ♪ Ooh - Thanks, Grandma.
That helps. It does.
- ♪ Should have been a ten
♪ But she's a seven
- ♪ I go out in pajamas
♪ My mom irons her clothes
- ♪ Your dad's got beautiful legs ♪
- ♪ But I didn't get those
What the fuck?
♪ It's sad, but it's the truth ♪
♪ I look like the daughter with no lines ♪
♪ From "Fiddler on the Roof"
♪ And my dad's to blame
all: ♪ 'Cause we look the same ♪
- ♪ We're exactly like one another ♪
♪ I look like my dad's little brother ♪
♪ But I'm bad at math and have mood swings ♪
♪ Like my mom
Did you like my song?
- God. You need a lot of attention, don't you?
[cheers and applause]
♪
- You're the funny one in here.
- What about me?
I'm comedian with the special.
- You are nothing without us as material, and you know it,
and I know it, and mom knows it.
You use us, and you abuse us,
and then when we go out, you tell people
that I've abused you.
All right. I gotta lay down. I've had enough.
I'm going to bed.
- Do you think my special will be good?
- No.
♪
- Terrific.