(mellow jazz music)
Downloaded from YTS.MX
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(cheers and applause)
(Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen,
Eddie Pepitone!
(cheers and applause)
I'm on molly!
(laughter)
Yeah, I'm on molly.
I timed it perfectly.
(laughter)
I just wanna rub.
I wanna rub!
I wanna rub on all of you
with your consent.
Fuckin' molly is good.
Ugh, I fuckin' love molly.
I ju-- It's like, ah, baby!
Ah!
This is good.
I just think it's funny to be like...
the blue collar angry guy,
but he still enjoys molly.
But he doesn't get rid of his anger.
He still doesn't get rid of his anger.
Like, he's at a rave,
little glow stick going.
"I'm over here."
"I'm over here!"
"I move pianos for a living."
(laughter)
"That's the business I'm in.
"You ever see those concert pianists
"who fuckin', are just on their fuckin' piano?
"That's what I do.
"I bring 'em those fuckin' things.
"Mozart woulda been shit without guys like me.
"I'm on molly!
I'm on molly."
You're lucky to see me.
(laughter)
Um, no, thank you very much for coming.
This is very lovely and...
that's it for me, I just wanted to do the molly bit.
I wanna keep my specials short, you know what I mean?
You know?
Just quick little snippet, 'cause that's the attention span
of people these days, you know?
People invite people over to their houses
and they just watch one car crash on YouTube
and then they're like, "All right.
Ugh!"
Taping a special.
It's such a heightened...
fuckin' reality, you know?
And I'm such a neurotic fuck, you know?
I'm like all day, I'm going,
"I don't deserve this."
Anybody else have like, a big thing they're gonna get
and they just wanna self sabotage it?
You know, they're just like--
like I look in the mirror and I'm like,
"You owe people money!"
(laughter)
"You owe people money!"
They're sorta like half affirmations, you know?
Like, half affirmation, half recrimination.
That would be good, huh? Having recriminations?
A daily recrimination?
That'd be good, right? Instead of the affirmations,
a daily recrimination like, I never caught a fuckin' break!
That was your daily--
that was your daily recrimination
with Eddie Pepitone.
These are great ideas and you're lucky to see them.
I know, you're like thinking, "Holy shit, this guy,
he comes from good stock."
Yes.
(laughs)
Yeah, I'm from good stock.
My father, he just fucked
and fought at the docks.
That's all he did.
He fucked and fought at the docks.
We don't even know where the docks are, okay?
We don't know where they are.
It's where the shit gets delivered.
My father just sucked on salt to survive
at the docks, he slept at the docks.
He didn't have fuckin' flowers on his lattes.
He drank his own urine.
Before the war of the world bullshit.
He just drank his own urine in little shot glasses
with the other guys.
(laughter)
"Let's hope it ends.
"Let's hope everything comes fucking to--
"let's hope fascism comes
and there are shootings everyday."
He didn't wanna go on.
He didn't have fuckin'...
blankets.
Cuddle blanket.
I did recently get a cuddle blanket.
I'm a man of comfort, I'm also a man of revolution,
but I'm a man of comfort.
I'm a man of comfort, you know?
A little cuddle blanket from Sharper Image.
Put it around me.
Watching a murder.
(exhales)
Anybody else?
Ooh.
Ah.
Mmm.
When the fuck did murder become entertainment?
When the fuck did that happen?
(cheers and applause)
(man) O.J.!
That is--
O.J., someone yelled.
That's probably right.
(laughs)
The fuck are people doing just like, put on a murder.
Put it on, put it up!
Rank that murder, it was a good one.
They never caught the guy.
They never fuckin' caught him.
How great is that?
Are our lives that mundane now?
Where we're like getting, ah man.
It is a sign of our culture.
We're shot, it's over, you know?
We're so corporatized.
I like, walk in a Starbucks, not to brag.
I'll walk in a Starbucks, and I'll see it says, lately,
it says blonde espresso and I'm just like,
"Hello."
Blonde espresso.
We're too fuckin' comfortable.
My father on the docks,
he didn't have fuckin' cuddle blankets from Sharper Images,
he would just take rats and put them...
(laughter)
Live rats.
And put them near him for warmth.
Just holding live fuckin' rats.
And they would gnaw at him.
And he liked it because it made him feel!
(laughter)
Try to deal with the truth here tonight.
You're not gonna hear a lotta shit about dating.
(laughter)
And car...
(cheers and applause)
And cargo pants.
And how fun everything is.
It's not fun, we're in end times!
Other generations have said that,
but we really are.
Go fuckin' figure.
These are hard hitting.
You want dating material?
You're in the wrong fuckin' place.
Even though dating is nuts.
(laughter)
I'm sure it certainly is.
'Cause my dad lived on the docks, I grew up,
he taught me some things and one,
I love to wave at boats.
I fuckin' love it.
You know, I'm--
and I fuckin-- and I'm like salt o--
I'm a guy that looks like life has taken a bite out of me
and I'm fuckin' waving to these pricks.
These rich pricks.
I don't wave at barges...
or...
ramshackle vessels that are used to escape the law.
I wave at pleasure crafts.
I put the pressure on the one percent
because they don't wanna wave back.
They don't wanna wave back.
But I represent the working class.
My father said to me at a young age, he said,
"You wave at boats...
when you're on the coast line."
Imagine if you had a father like that
who just taught you useless shit.
"When you have salt,
throw some over your shoulder."
Doesn't teach you any life skills.
"When you're putting away a Ouija Board,
always put it on the top shelf."
"Thanks, Dad."
I think I'm sending you mixed signals a little bit.
You know, I'm soft, I'm hard, I'm...
You know? I'm blue collar,
I'm... extremely intelligent.
You don't know what to make of it,
and I'll tell you why I do that.
I send you mixed signals because that's what
I fuckin' got growing up.
So that's what you get.
Okay? Because my dad, he used to send me mixed signals.
He'd be like,
"Come here, come here, come here, Eddie.
"Just tell me,
"did you or did you not go to school?
"I am not gonna hit you."
And I'd be like, walking around like
I'm in a bank heist going,
"Do I tell him the truth, and build a lasting relationship?
"Do I come from a place of honesty
"and build my own character?
"Or do I lie and become a pathological person
"who's always lying?
"Always lying to get what they want so they don't get hurt
"so they get what they want."
And I said, "Daddy, I didn't go to school,"
and he hit me.
And that's why I like rough sex.
(laughter)
I-- I mix pleasure with pain.
I love when my wife,
she ties me up and she starts telling me
I'm a piece of shit.
I love that.
She ties me up and she's saying things like,
"Your bank account is that of a child's."
(laughter)
I'm like, "Yes! Yes!
Yes!"
I'm tied up, if you imagine.
I'm tied up.
She's on top saying things like,
"Every book you start, you never finish.
Yes! "You have no concentration!"
(laughs)
"You can't fix things!
"You don't know how to fix anything!"
I wish I were you, you know?
No, because you guys, you know,
I'm told I'm real funny, you know?
So for you, this must be so fuckin' cathartic.
For me, this is fuckin' pain.
This is just...
so fuckin' arduous.
By the way, I wanna get this out of the way quickly.
I am for the Me Too movement
because I am constantly harassed for sex.
Okay? Especially after shows, okay?
Because I have a lot of charisma.
People fucking corner me.
Men, women, whoever it is, they just corner me
and they're like, "Eddie! Fuck me, Eddie! Fuck me!"
(laughter)
No means no, folks.
All right?
"Oh, Eddie, fuck me, fuck me."
It's not gonna happen.
(laughter)
I have acid reflux.
Doesn't that kill sex?
Acid reflux, mm.
That is nasty shit.
My dad, being old school, you know what
he's recently told me?
He goes,
"Look, I'm not gonna wire you money anymore."
I'm like, "Oh, really,
I'm supposed to be on my own at 60."
(laughter)
What a fuckin' heartless prick you are.
Oh, I should be earning my own money.
Really?
I'm not gonna be like you people,
working and fucking soulless.
Corporations in cubicles with thousands of pictures
of your last vacation
and your children taped up.
By the way, those are the people you gotta watch
at work when you see them have like, just tons of pictures.
They're just always looking up going,
"Hawaii!
"I remember Hawaii."
(mimics crying)
"Someone throw lye on me.
"Someone throw lye on me!"
(laughter)
But I'm-- I'm pretty well adjusted now.
You know? I'm on 200 milligrams of Zoloft
and it does nothing.
It does nothing!
I just like the taste!
I love how they taste!
I crush 'em up, I put 'em on cereal.
I eat them,
watching the end of days.
And we're in them.
Right? I mean,
climate breakdown is fucking unbelievable.
Just every day, there's a new things.
"Honey!" I have the TV on--
"Honey! Butterflies.
"They're gone."
We have a little checklist of species on our kitchen.
(clicks tongue) Butterflies gone.
I told you we should've went to the butterfly exhibit.
Told ya. It's gone now.
I do like watching The Weather Channel, though,
here in L.A., like the winters are getting worse
because of climate breakdown, you know?
Like there was just a polar vortex in the Midwest
and I like watching that here in L.A.
on my couch with my two little rescue dogs
watching these fucks in the Midwest,
trying to scrape their windows.
I have like a little espresso.
My two little dogs next to me,
Basel and Charlotte, you know?
These fucks in the Midwest are all on tons
of anti-depressants and they're about to go
to the ammonia factory.
That's what I envision
that's what people are down to now.
Just stirring big vats of ammonia
outside of some shithole
in Illinois or Indiana.
"Herb, Herb! Are you going to work?"
"Yes, I'm going to work. I gotta scrape the car."
"Don't forget to wear your mask!"
(grunts)
"What time is dinner tonight?"
"We have no food, Herb!"
"All right.
"I'll try to pick something up on the side of the road."
(laughter)
And you're here in L.A. with espresso,
watching it with your two little rescue dogs next to you.
They're just looking up at you because
they fuckin' love you.
My rescue dogs love me!
They're fuckin-- they're like--
that's what, I love that about dogs.
They're like, "You can do no wrong.
"You can do now wrong!
"You can do no wrong, Eddie."
That's what my dogs are saying to me.
"We don't care that you owe everybody money.
"Doesn't mean a fuckin' thing to us.
"Doesn't mean anything to us.
"You are great, my friend."
I'm lost in this set right now.
I don't know where I am.
(laughter)
Actually, I am at the age where I am starting,
you know, I have a little bit of that memory loss.
And I gotta tell you, if I get Alzheimer's,
I'm still gonna be confident.
Like, I'm gonna play it-- I'm gonna play it fuckin'--
like, I've already got it all planned out.
I'm not gonna be crying and all that shit.
I'm gonna like walk into places and go,
"Excuse me.
"Excuse me?
Where the fuck am I?"
(laughter) (audience applause)
It's attitude, it's all in the attitude.
"Look at this fucking guy. Where am I, you fucking idiot?
"Look at this fucking guy.
"That a hard fucking question?
"Where the fuck am I?" "You're in Ralph's, sir."
"Asshole, I know I'm in Ralph's.
"It's written all around me.
"I'm asking you, what state am I in?"
(laughter)
"I would say agitated, sir."
"No, idiot, geographically?"
"You're in California."
"Was that so fucking hard?
"Ha, this fuckin' idiot, huh?
"Hey,
"I got one more question for you.
"Is this frozen ravioli or the end of the Vietnam war?"
(laughter)
"I don't know where we are."
I just have the fucking GPS bullshit.
You know, my wife gave me the Waze app
for my 50th birthday,
but I feel like the Waze app wants me dead.
Anybody else? Like, it's always telling me,
like make a left.
Make a left into oncoming...
(laughs) Oncoming--
maybe the Waze app wants me to face down my fears.
Maybe that's what these apps are about.
Hi, people over here.
Maybe that's what the fuck they're abo--
because it's like make a left into this oncoming traff--
you know, and people in their cars, they just become,
you know, big pieces of shit, right?
It's just like fuck you.
Like they've done their affirmations,
they've listened to their Eckhart Tolle,
they've mediated, and then they get in a car
and they're like, "You're not getting in.
"You're not getting in!
"Why aren't you getting in?
"Because things aren't going right for me.
"That's why you're not fucking getting in."
You ever have the Waze app send you up into the hills
to save a minute?
But you don't notice that they were just saving you
a minute, like there was,
you know, your usual route, you know, but no,
no, go all the way up into the fuckin' hills.
And so you're up there with, you know,
all the scumbags.
(laughter)
Who have like, guns from their roof.
They're all drinking, you know?
Like a melodious fuckin' Cabernet up there.
They're drinking, you know?
You know, there's undercurrents of cherry.
They're just drinking, and going,
"Is tha-- did a poor person get lost, Bob?
"Oh my God, why don't you kill 'em?
"Kill 'em.
"Let's kill 'em, say they were trespassing."
And then you fuckin' get up in the hills,
and the signal cuts out,
and I'm so dependent on that fucking thing.
It just cuts out
and then because you're up in the hills,
the fog starts rolling in 'cause you're u--
and you're like, "Holy fuck, Waze app!
"Help me!
"Help me."
And then, because we're here in L.A.,
the fuckin' coyotes start coming around my car.
Fog, coyotes, because of a minute.
Because the Waze app
is saving me a minute.
And then, the Waze app tells me the craziest fuckin' things.
Like the other day, I was on the 405 South--
not to brag--
I was on the 405 South, the Waze app told me,
"Get out of the car and shoot your way down
"to the Getty Center.
"Shoot your way down to the Getty Center."
And those of you watching this,
the 405 is a major artery in California.
Don't give me any shit you don't understand the references.
You people don't read.
You know nothing.
(laughter)
America's a shithole.
Boy, is it ever, huh?
Wow.
Wow, that's all I can say.
Not that we weren't getting fucked before.
You know, all our previous presidents, you know?
Democrats, Republicans, just a nice, big fucking, you know?
From everybody, but not like this.
(laughter)
This is not being done with finesse.
You know? When I get fucked...
When I get fucked,
I like to be told I'm doing well,
I look good,
here's a couple of appetizers.
And then I'll put out.
But what the fuck is this?
I would respect Trump more,
I would respect Trump more
if he came out
as the Joker.
Like, I mean it, I mean this.
Because then I would understand him.
Like, if he had on white powdered makeup
and slit his lips...
(laughter)
And slit his lips, you know?
And the little orange tuft and he was like,
(mimics Joker laughing)
"Isn't Betsy DeVos wonderful?"
(mimics Joker laughing)
Because that's what we're living through.
Do you understand that?
(cheers and applause)
So I get into sports.
I get into sports, I'm one of those idiots, right?
Any other idiots into sports?
But I take it too-- like, I'm so into my teams
that when they lose, I take it so personally
and I turn on them, you know what I mean?
I fucking turn on them, you know?
It's like they fuck--
like you know, I'm a New York Giant fan,
and if I see the quarterback being sacked,
which happens regularly,
you know, and I fuckin' go,
"How can you get sacked
"when I never had a real home?"
(laughter)
Or baseball, you know I'm a big Yankee fan and like,
"You fuckin' hit into a double play the day
"I'm fuckin' diagnosed as pre-diabetic?
"Fuck you.
"Fuck you!"
(laughter)
Just one of those idiots who "believes" in sports.
I hate atheists too, I tell you.
I hate atheists.
Hate atheists because they wear that shit
like a badge, you know?
Like they're, "Oh, there is no God, there is no God."
Tell me something I don't know, dipshit.
(laughter)
I mean, but what are they selling me?
What would an atheist church be like?
Like you know, singers in purple robes going,
♪ We're all alone
♪ We're all alone ♪
♪ Everything is random
(laughter)
What would an atheist healer be like?
Tell me your problem.
"I can't hear and I'm starting to not be able to walk."
"It's going to get worse.
"And you are going to die alone."
I was listening to Stalin...
(laughter)
...on Spotify on the way--
on the way over here.
Anybody else? Uh...
Anybody else getting ready for the encroaching fascism?
Anybody, like, it's coming.
It's here.
So I just wanna, you know,
I wanna get the cadence, you know?
You know, and I'm talking about, I listened to early Stalin.
Not the later shit when he sold out.
Early Stalin.
When he was paranoid,
and he had the military behind him.
Not when he started talking about wheat.
Fuck that, how boring was that?
Anybody else have a dictator playlist?
Get one, you know?
I love like, I love going to like, open air malls
and I crank Mussolini in the original Italian.
These sets are a cry for help!
(laughter)
That's what comedy should become, you know?
As our society crumbles even further,
comedy clubs should just be people getting on stage going,
(yells)
"Ah, it hurts!"
Because what the fuck are comics doing?
Talking about...
dating?
There's no dating.
(chuckles) Anymore.
It's fucking.
I actually listen to porn in my car.
You fill in the blanks.
I have a beautiful 2006 Honda Element.
And you could have what I have
if you put your noses to the grindstone.
(cheers and applause)
Everybody's so decadent--
and that's another sign of a civilization in collapse
is that the decadence, like everything,
the pornography--
like everybody is fucking watching porn.
It's people, like, "Hey, Dan,
"did you see the new RedTube video out?
"Ah, they had someone pinned against the wall,
"just fucking them, fucking them.
"Anyway, I'll see ya later."
(laughter)
People pretty soon are gonna have porn barbecues, you know?
Just barbecues, porn playing behind 'em going,
"Look at that, Dan.
"How the hell do they get in that position?"
And it's so violent, the porn is so violent,
a lot of times while I'm watching it,
I'll... I'll be like, "Should I call the cops?"
(laughter)
(chuckles)
It's just so fuckin'--
just driving, I just drive around in my Honda Element
with porn and all you hear in the car.
I go between Mussolini and porn,
which is what--
basically, that's the country.
And just like, driving around
and rolling down the window and you hear,
"Fuck me!
"Fuck me!"
And I'm waving to people.
"Hey, how are you?
How are you?"
I used to watch a lot of it, I don't anymore.
I used to watch it and it was like...
I felt like I had a personal relationship
with a couple of 'em.
Like there was this one actress that I noticed
through the years-- a "actress."
(laughter)
There was one I noticed through the years, she had a mole
and it kept getting bigger and I felt like
I should alert somebody.
(laughter)
You have to take responsibility for your porn stars.
This is for middle America again.
I'd be up here talking about Dostoevsky
if it wasn't for you.
(laughter)
You fuckin' idiots.
(cheers and applause)
I talk about porn!
So I can make a little money.
Hopefully.
I am a bit of a poet. I actually won my wife over by--
I'm old school, I won her over by reading poetry
underneath her window.
Now, the only poet I know is Bukowski, so...
(laughter)
I would be-- I would be under her window going,
"I want a ham sandwich, bitch.
"Ham on rye.
"I'm going to the track, and I'm fuckin' angry.
"I want beer and ham!
"Fuckin' post office is a nightmare!"
(cheers and applause)
I read that under her window and she was mine.
(laughter)
It's rooted me.
I feel rooted now.
Even though I have
lost my wife to adult coloring books.
(laughter)
Like...
I thought she was coloring in porn scenes.
Like is that what made it adult?
If she was, I would be over her going,
"Make the cock black!
"Make it black!"
What the fuck are adult coloring books?
You know what it is? They're anxiety prod--
there's this whole fuckin' line of products now,
because we don't have healthcare.
(laughter)
'Cause no one has healthcare, or communities,
or fuckin' libraries, or...
You know, since we don't have anything
that a real society has, it's like, squeeze a ball.
Squeeze it!
Squeeze the new bally ball.
Squeeze the bally ball
and everything will be all right.
Color in a goth chick with the crow--
every time I come home, it's coloring in a goth chick
with a crow on her arm.
And she's so sweet, she's always asking me,
"How did the show, how did the show go?"
And I have to lie.
I have to say,
"Baby, we have no worries,"
when all we have are worries!
(laughter)
I'm trying to make this thing for you.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
Roots me.
Me and my wife, we,
we got married by driving to Vegas.
And that's what we did and it was great because
it was like no bullshit.
I know people tear each other apart, you know,
when they fuckin' get married.
A lot of people get divorced, you know,
over the table setup.
That's for the masses!
How do you like that?
You alt-right fucks.
(laughter)
I kid the alt-right because
eventually, they're gonna strap us to their trucks...
And make us sing the "Star Spangled Banner"
while we're covered in blood.
Unless we have a revolution.
We have to get in the streets and fuckin' fight.
No fuckin' pink pussycat hats.
Just fight. Be angry, be angry.
Look what the yellow vests are doing in France.
Now I'm not gonna be able to join you
'cause I'm in the middle of "Ozark."
I would love to! I would love to!
But I'm hooked.
(laughter)
That's an amazing show, by the way.
I've never seen an upper-middle class family
deal with death
and drug cartels like they do.
"All right. All right, we're just gonna have to deal with
"the murder that happened in our kitchen, all right, Wendy?
Come on."
We all buy it, eating ice cream.
But that's what this country is like, too,
it's like everything is fucking--
has fallen apart, or falling apart.
You know, mass shootings everyday,
the environment going to shit, and the only thing
people talk about are like, you have to see
"The Haunting of Hill House."
You just have to see it.
That's all I can say.
But marriage roots me.
So we drove to Vegas and I loved it because
it was just so simple, you know?
And one thing I don't like about weddings too
is that the toasts are always,
are always fuckin' bullshit, you know?
The toasts are always like, you know,
"Here's to Julie and Frank.
"Julie and Frank are two of the loveliest people I know,
they're perfect." First of all,
we're all fuckin' broken.
We're broken. Some of us
dress nicer than others or have nicer cars,
but we are fuckin' broken.
And I'd love to give the real toast the way,
you know, I think a wedding toast should go.
And it would be like,
"I wanna raise a glass to Frank and Julie.
"And I just wanna say, before I toast them,
"I wanna thank-- I wanna thank God for
"the soul-sucking job I have
"and the arthritis in my shoulder.
"Won't go away
"no matter what I fuckin' do.
"My shoulder won't get better.
"My doctor says just sleep on your back
"and I toss and turn
"because I wake up to nightmares
"about not having money."
(laughter)
"Anybody else wake up to nightmares where you're like,
"How am I gonna make the rent this month?
"But that's neither hither nor thither,
"who were a great Vaudeville team, by the way.
"Frank used to rob the elderly."
(laughter)
"Maybe he still does. Do you still do it?
"It doesn't matter, we're all broken.
"No one more so than Julie."
(laughter)
"Julie can't earn any money."
(laughter)
"Julie lives in a fantasy world.
"Julie has been in
"a fuckin' improv group...
(laughter)
"Called Scrambled Eggz, and it's spelled E-G-G-Z."
(laughter)
"And still, nobody fuckin' comes
"and she's been doing it for 30 years.
"Give me an occupation,
"give me a period of history,
"and a location and nobody laughs.
"She's on the hamster wheel...
"of improv.
"And Frank is a cocaine addict.
"And I'm sorry, Julie, if you're hearing this
"for the first time, but Frank--
"and he's a great addict, because he hides it.
"Like any great addict, he hides it.
"He's brilliant at hiding it.
"I mean, Frank could be doing lines in front of
"a computer watching horrific bondage pornography
"and as soon as he sees that doorknob turn,
"by the time you're in that room,
"he's eating an apple watching Disney!
"Frank killed a postman with a hammer.
"A frozen hammer.
"Why he had a frozen hammer, no one knows.
"To each his own.
"Frank has minimal skills.
"Minimal skills, which is a little better than Julie,
"and they found each other.
"They found each other.
"Boy, this is gonna be good.
"Frank didn't know that Julie had an infected foot.
"Julie was doing a scene.
"She was doing a scene where she had to stand on one leg
"for over ten minutes,
"and her foot lost blood circulation,
"or whatever the scientific term is.
"Nobody reads anymore, who cares?"
(laughter)
"But Julie's infected foot
"has become really bad.
"Frank can't take it because the foot smells
"and they both don't have health coverage,
"like the rest of the country.
"No health coverage,
"and Julie's foot is essentially
"a piece of shit at this point.
"Her foot is literally a piece of shit."
(laughter)
"But,
"I wanna raise a glass,
"I want everybody to raise their glasses...
(cheers and applause)
"To Julie and Frank,
"because we all know this will end up
"on 'Forensic Files,' here we go."
(cheers and applause)
I don't respect you people.
I decided that a while ago.
I'm just anti-fuckin' corporate big time.
I won't do any commercials, you know?
I won't do any, I'm not gonna be one of these
fuckin' people auditioning for commercials.
I might do one if I'm asked.
It's a lot of money.
Driving around in a 2006 Honda Element.
(laughs)
But I never got--
when I did audition for them, I never got them because
I was always too angry like,
let's say the product is Downy and I'm holding a shirt
and you have to say things like--
in this fuckin' unreal,
disgusting world of commercials,
you have to say things like,
"Honey, how'd you get this shirt so fresh?"
(laughter)
And you have to smile,
but my smile looks like a psychotic--
Like someone you wanna keep away from the kids.
(laughter)
And you go...
And it's like the smile you get when someone's trying
to take a picture of you with their cell phone
but it's not working, and you start out like,
pretty natural, but by the time they finally--
you're like...
It's like a Rorschach blot to your soul.
"Okay, you can see I was never loved.
Take the fuckin' picture!"
(cheers and applause) (laughter)
But this is how the auditions would go.
I would come into the casting agency.
"Hi, Mr. Pepitone.
"Um, look, um,
"yeah, so it's very simple.
"It's Downy."
"Downy!
"Aren't they owned by Dow Chemical,
"the guys who did Agent Orange?
"Killed a lotta soldiers, lotta people?"
"Yes, Agent Orange was a misstep,
but they're back now with Downy."
(laughter)
"Yes, they killed a lotta, lotta people
"but you have a chance to be the spokesperson for them."
"Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah."
"So all you have to do, Mr. Pepitone, is
"you just have to, you know, have a shirt in your hand,
"imagine a shirt and just say,
"Honey, how'd you get the shirt so fresh?
"And whatever pops into your head, too.
"Like, if you think of something funny because
"we love to use lines that actors think about
"that we're not gonna pay.
"All right? So..."
"Okay, so just, 'Honey, how'd you get the shirt so fresh'
"and whatever pops into my head?
"Thank you for this opportunity.
"Thank you so much.
"But here we go.
"So just, 'Honey, how'd you get the shirt so fresh'
"and whatever pops into my head, okay.
"Honey?
"Honey!
"Honey--" "Mr. Pepitone.
"Your wife is right there."
"All right, sorry, I have abandonment issues.
"I've been left a lot.
"I don't know what the fuck they want.
"If I'm on top of them, I'm smothering,
"if I'm not there, I'm aloof.
"I don't know what the hell they want."
"No, no, no, no, Mr. Pepitone,
"you have a very good relationship.
"This is a beautiful family, a very good relationship,
"your wife is right there."
"Okay.
"Thank you again, I hope that doesn't affect your choice
"on who's gonna be the spokesperson.
"I mean, Downy had a misstep, so did I."
(laughter)
"Correction, Dow Chemical had a misstep, so did I.
"I'm sure Downy is fucked up too.
"All right, so she loves me?"
"Yeah, it's a really nice marriage.
"Your wife loves you, she's right there."
"Okay. Honey, I know you're here, bitch!
"I don't know where the fuck you are
"but I know you're here, you always sneak up on me
"with your little ballerina feet
"just because you caught me on the computer
"masturbating to hockey fights!"
"Mr. Pepitone, Mr. Pepitone.
"Maybe not everything, maybe not everything
"that pops into your head, just kinda get...
"I mean, if you think of something funny, do that,
"but, you know, don't...
"You know, it's a good product
and we want people to use it."
"Okay.
"But she does that."
(laughter)
"But I hope this doesn't affect your decision.
"All right, just what--
"Okay, and if something pops into my head, okay.
"Honey!
"I know you're here!
"But I have one question.
"How do you get these shirts so fresh
"when there are people not 100 yards from our house
"stabbing each other for food?
"Yet, you still
"get these shirts fresh.
"How do you get these shirts so fresh
"when every five minutes there's a mass shooting?
"How do you do it?
"I mean, there's so many mass shootings now,
"I'm fuckin' bored by them.
"How do you get these shirts fresh
"when nobody brings up the fact that we just have war,
"after war, after war,
"and that over 50% of our gross spending
"goes to the Pentagon and they don't know
"where billions and billions of dollars go each year
"and they kill people all over the globe,
"which is why we're hated and you still
"are getting these shirts fresh.
"How do you do it?
(cheers and applause)
"The climate!
"Scientists are saying
"that we're fucked,
"and that's a technical term now.
"Yet, you still
"get these shirts fresh.
"Honey, for Christ's sake,
"we watch nature specials and cry.
"Polar bears don't have ice!
"Yet, you still get these fresh.
"Little children, poor children, families,
"fleeing violence from other countries.
"They're having their kids put in cages,
"yet, you still get these shirts fresh.
"Gerrymandering is going on.
"I don't understand it,
"but it doesn't sound good.
"Yet, you still
"get these shirts fresh.
"But yesterday,
"yesterday was the topper.
"Your sister came over to our house
"and took her life in front of the children..."
(laughter)
"Yet, you still
"got these shirts fresh.
"And you know what, bitch?
"I don't wanna know how you got 'em fresh,
"I wanna know why."
(cheers and applause)
"Why are you burying your head in fuckin' laundry
"when the whole world is collapsing?
"The fuck are you doing?
"Oh, you use Downy? "Downy."
(cheers and applause)
Thank you, everybody!
(cheers and applause)
Thank you so much.
Awe, thank you.
Awe, no, no, no.
Awe, thank you.
(cheering continues)
I thought I was very good as well.
(laughter)
No, thank you so much for coming.
I love you all, thank you.
(cheers and applause)
(mellow jazz music)
That's my brother, Freddy.
Freddy Pepitone.
You're washed up, Eddie!
I'm tired from doing two hours.
(Freddy) "You're tired."
I'm gonna let you carry this.
(laughter) (Freddy) Just you...
Just like you let me carry Mommy's body
after you pushed her down the stairs!
No, you pushed her, Freddy!
You pushed her down the steps!
You pushed Mommy with your words!
And you left... (laughter)
You left a banana peel in front of my bedroom door!
And I'd come down here into what used to be
the Hayworth Theatre, and I gloat
that it's fallen this far!
(laughter)
A taping!
Five cameras, one of 'em left during the second act!
(laughter)
He walked out on Wilshire Boulevard
then picked up the special of MacArthur Park!
(laughter)
Eddie, you're fucked up!
(laughter)