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["Toast" by Claudia Oshry playing]
♪ Hunnet down we gonna have a good time ♪
♪ A thousand hands up to the sky ♪
♪ We gone get toasted tonight
[woman] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage Claudia Oshry!
♪ I've been feeling it all day ♪
♪ I wanna let it go I wanna lose control ♪
♪ Oh, I'm ready to roll
♪ And I've been daydreaming about this night ♪
♪ For a long time
♪ I wanna dance with you under moonlight ♪
♪ A toast to the wild ones, a toast to the good life ♪
♪ A toast to the lovers, a toast to you and I ♪
♪ A toast to the wild ones, to you and I ♪
-Hello! -[cheers and applause]
What up, Inglewood?
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so much for coming to the Dirty Jeans Tour.
I am honored and humbled that you all decided
to join me here tonight.
Now, I have a whole show planned for you guys.
There's, like, a dance. There's a whole thing coming.
Don't worry. I would just be remiss...
-[cheers] -I would be devastated,
I would be heartbroken if I didn't point out that,
like, I'm pretty sure I see a straight guy...
-[laughter] -and I don't wanna make him
uncomfortable, but anytime I get on stage
I'm always like, "Where's the guy?
-[laughter] -Where's Kyle?"
You know his wife was supposed to bring her friend,
-but she got sick. -[laughter]
Let this be a PSA to, like, the four straight dudes
here tonight. Hi...[giggles]
-I'm Claudia. -[laughter]
You probably have no idea who I am.
Your wife maybe listens to my podcast.
-[women cheer] -You--You've probably...
You've probably heard my voice and thinks
-it's really fucking annoying. -[laughter]
And you would be right. So, let me apologize,
straight dudes. Kyle, Matt, David.
-Wherever you are. -[laughter]
This show tonight...
it's not really written for you. You will understand, like,
four percent of what goes on here tonight
and you will understand two percent
of my cultural references, but you'll probably get
a handjob on the way home for sitting through this, so...
[cheers and applause]
-I'm really not thatsorry. -[laughter]
Hi! I'm so excited to be here in Inglewood.
I have been on a mighty big tour, you guys.
Two years traveling the nation as...
-a Jew. -[cheers and applause]
It's had its fair share of challenges
'cause not everybody whoos when I say the big J word.
-[laughter] -I've done a tour
all over this great country and I know I'm going
to New York, Boston, New Jersey.
It's a very warm, welcoming environment.
It's like my bat mitzvah. Shalom aleichem.
[laughter]
Meshuggener.
Yisroel.
But...sometimes I'm rolling through, like,
-Huntsville, Alabama... -[laughter]
and, you know, the vibe... it's--it's different.
You know, it's very much a situation where I'm just like,
-"Blink if you're Jewish. -[laughter]
-I won't tell anyone." -[laughter]
It's been really scary for me to just travel the country,
but I've gotten to see some beautiful cities
and some--some mediocre cities. If I'm being honest.
It's not all--Not everyone can be a Kansas City,
sometimes there's a Milwaukee, you know?
It's been--It's been incredibly rough for me.
And I have great followers on Instagram.
You guys who are here, thank you so much.
Every time I've been traveling to new places--
-[cheers and applause] -Whoo!
Whenever I land in a new city my DMs are flooded
with, like, recommendations for, you know,
bakeries or bars. Like, you guys know exactly
what I like. No one's recommending, like,
the best SoulCycle instructor, you know?
-[laughter] -But I appreciate it. I do.
And Milwaukee was really, like, a hard city for me
'cause I was going through my DMs just looking for, like,
the best local pastry, maybe a frozen yogurt,
and my DMs were... they were different.
I got this weird cautionary DM from this girl.
And she was very sweet and she was very excited.
She was like, "Hi, Claudia... [nervous giggles]
[laughter]
Welcome to my hometown. [giggles]
[laughter]
You're gonna love it here. [giggles]
Just stay away from this intersection.
I was jumped here the other day."
[laughter]
And I was like, "Are you okay?
Are you still coming to the show?
We have, like, a strict No Returns Policy."
-[laughter] -She made it and it was good.
It was fine, but I'm just really happy to be home.
Thank you, guys, for coming. Is this anyone's first time
-at a Dirty Jeans show? -[cheers and applause]
Welcome to the Dirty Jeans Tour.
You know, there seems to be mass confusion amongst people
who come to my show 'cause they don't know what I do.
I'm just a girl from the Internet.
So, they're always, like, Tweeting at me,
"You're--You're just a little girl from Instagram.
What are you gonna do on stage?"
And I'm like, "Did you just call me 'little'?
[laughter]
So here's what's gonna happen tonight.
We're gonna laugh. We're gonna dance.
We're gonna... ♪ Sing
[cheers and applause]
-Sorry, I'mgonna sing. -[laughter]
Very much just a listening experience for you guys.
I can't stress that enough. I've done almost 80
of these shows and I have to say that 'cause, you know,
you guys you go and get one, you get two vodka soders...
-[laughter] -you get a little brave.
-You start harmonizing with me. -[laughter]
I got it. Thank you very much.
-[applause] -And the only rule here
at the Dirty Jeans Tour is that there are no rules.
Well, there's actually one rule and it's, like, super strict.
I know... they made the announcement.
Like, no flash photography and I totally disagree with that.
It would be incredibly hypocritical of me
to say, "No flash photography," when I've literally
built a career off of flash photography.
So, you can take pictures, but the only rule here
is that you keep in mind that I'm very much
up on an elevated surface... and you're below me.
And, you know, I just paid a lot of money for a brand-new chin,
-don't go ruining that, okay? -[laughter]
I see Kyle, like, confused. Whispering to his wife.
Like, "She got a new chin?" Yeah, I did!
And it was expensive, so get those phones in the air,
-point it up, and then down. -[laughter]
This is a Facetune friendly environment.
-I can't stress that enough. -[cheers and applause]
Honestly, this environment's a little
too Facetune friendly, if you ask me.
I am very comfortable with Facetuning.
I use it to a level that's, like, out of control.
Like, some people get on the app, you know,
they make their skin a little smooth.
They, like, cinch their waist.
No, not me. I'm getting really creative.
I'm, like, moving my hairline around.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
I've met some of you guys and I've taken photos
with some of you and I absolutely
have to Facetune my photos because you're always
taking pictures and doing this thing
where you, like, shove me to the front of the photo.
-What is that? -[laughter]
And I'll see the photo later and I'm like...
-"Ugh..." -[laughter]
And I look nothing like that. You all, like, hide behind me
in the picture and it's incredibly rude.
So I have to Facetune my pictures.
And some of you guys get out of control.
This girl in Pittsburgh, she was wild.
Shoving me so far to the front.
I'm standing there like an asshole.
-You know, like, "[grunts]" -[laughter]
Feeling like I'm literally a guest at a wedding
and my chin has a plus one. Okay?
-[grunts] -[laughter]
And she's walking away and she was very sweet,
but the idea of this girl walking away with that photo
on her phone was chilling. Earth shattering.
And as a joke--I just wanted-- I just didn't want her
to have the picture. As a joke as she's walking away
I'm just like, "Feel free to Facetune.
[chuckles]" Like, obviously a joke,
-but also dead serious. -[laughter]
But I wasn't ready for her response.
She goes, "Why would you assume I have Facetune?"
And I'm like, "Oh, um... I don't know,
-'cause you're ugly?" -[laughter]
No, I'm kidding. We're all beautiful...
-on the inside. -[laughter]
So keep Facetuning. I don't care.
I Facetune so much and it's a problem
because I've built a career online and then I do shows.
People come and I see them confused in the audience.
-They're like... -[laughter]
"Is that her?"
Yeah, it is. I don't give a shit.
I wanna be skinny, but I can't stop eating, okay?
[cheers and applause]
[sighs] What a great night.
We just--We sold this bitch out. We're filming a special.
-Like, "Whoo-hoo!" Whoo! -[cheers]
And just, like, not to be so annoying,
but, like, what a great, like, time to be me, you know?
You know how you're supposed to wake up every day
and you're supposed to, like, thank God?
Like, "My arms work, my brain works, my leg works."
Yeah, I do that every day, but it's a little different.
I wake up and I'm like, "Yo, God...
-you're the shit. -[laughter]
Thank you for making me, like, kinda famous."
'Cause, like, I'm sure life is good for everyone,
but it's not as good if you're famous.
Like, being famous-- I'm here to tell you,
common folk, I've gotten a very small taste of fame...
[laughter]
-it's delicious! -[laughter]
And you always hear celebrities being like,
-"Fame has a price." -[laughter]
-No, it doesn't! -[laughter]
It fucking rocks. Don't listen to Lea Michele.
-Okay? -[laughter]
Everybody wants to do stuff for you
and pay you to do nothing. It rocks.
And I'm loving life being me.
-[cheers] -2020 is my year, bitches.
[cheers and applause]
And if it's not, no sweat. We always got 2021.
-[laughter] -But I'm really--
I really feel like this-- all this stuff
is happening for me. Not to be, like,
so annoying and bragging, you know?
Rubbing it in, like, your sad life's face, but...
all this stuff is really happening for me
and I very much understand it's only happening
because I was born in this time period.
Do you-- I'm very much like a...
a byproduct of my generation
and I could only be thriving in the same time period
that Cardi B. is thriving. Do you know what I mean?
We're--We're kindred spirits and I was just so meant
to be alive now. I'm very grateful I was not
going to high school in the Renaissance.
Wearing a fucking petticoat to school?
Imagine the chub rub...
in a petticoat.
No, thank you.
Or, like, a corset? The under boob sweat?
Oh, my God I'm gonna faint just thinking about it.
No, I'm loving everything, like,
the Millennium has to offer me. Like, I'm the number one
customer on Uber, Seamless, GrubHub, Lyft.
Like, I use it all. If 2020 is a buffet,
I'm fucking taking everything. I act like I normally do
at any buffet and I take it all!
-[laughter] -I'm enjoying all the things
the Millennium has to offer me. It's like...
I'm enjoying all the fruits of the Millenial's labor.
You know? It's similar to how Kourtney Kardashian--
She enjoys all the fruits of her family's labor.
[laughter]
The only difference, of course, is that I'm grateful.
-[laughter] -Ooh...shots fired.
-[laughter] -But I'm one of those people
who very much, like, has her head permanently
shoved up her own ass.
Everybody knows a person like that.
I really only concern myself with things that concern me.
And that's the way I choose to live my life,
but every now and then I will kind of...
you know, take my head out of my own ass.
Which is actually not that hard 'cause I'm super flexible.
-[laughter] -Not a joke. [chuckles]
[laughter]
And I'll kind of look around at the state of the world
and I'm sure you guys know this 'cause you live
in the real world, but I just got here
and I'm here to tell you... the real world...
-woof. -[laughter]
In shambles. Like, the world is falling apart
and apparently everyone's been talking about it,
but I just haven't been hearing about it.
And I low-key, like, wanna get involved and, like, help
and be, like, philanthropic and stuff, you know?
Actually, no. I don't really want to do that.
-[laughter] -I just wanna, like,
say I'm gonna do it and then put it on my Instagram,
but not actually do anything, you know?
And it's kinda--It's 2020. It's an important election year
and I'm really feeling like-- what is it, like, 30,000 people
are running for president? Why don't I throw my hat
-in the race? -[cheers and applause]
I've got some really good ideas.
No, I would actually rather die than work for four years
-straight, but... -[laughter]
I'm kinda like, Girl With No Job...
so, no. Actually...no.
I mean, It'd be cool to be, like, famous and the president,
but it sounds like a lot of work.
Maybe if they could let me do, like, a two-week term?
Where I'd obviously have both Fridays off
'cause I am not Rebecca Black. I do not get down on Friday.
And, you know, maybe, now that I think about it,
I assume if you're president you get to spend
the tax payer dollars just, like, as you please
and that's a budget I can work with
because I have a lot things. I'm at this weird point
in my career where everyone's telling me,
every meeting, they're like, "Do you have a publicist?
You need a publicist? Get a publicist!"
And I'm like, "Okay, I'll go to Walmart and get a publicist.
-Like, let me just go." -[laughter]
And I started taking meetings with these publicists
and they're like, "We're gonna make you a star!"
And I'm like, "Okay, sign me up, bitch."
And then they're like, "That's $5,000, please...
a month!" And I was just like, "Oh, um...
yeah, I'm gonna call you back. One second."
So I can't do that right now, but low key,
if I become president, I could put that shit
on the tax payers, right?
And then, like, get the best publicist in the world.
I don't even know what a publicist does.
I'm not gonna lie. Like, what do they do every day?
Like, they wake up, what do they do?
I have actually no idea.
I do know that Becca Kufrin did it...
before she was on The Bachelor,so, like,
how challenging of a job could it be?
-[laughter] -I know that a big part
of being a publicist is essentially just doing this...
[laughter]
Right? You're just, like, dodging direct questions.
And also, like, manipulating narratives in the media.
I think. I think that's what a publicist does.
So if I'm thinking to myself, "Hmm, I could have the best
publicist in the world. Who do I know who's the best
at dodging direct questions and manipulating narratives?
Hmm, let me think.
I wonder if Lisa Vanderpump is available.
[cheers and applause]
Kyle, sweetie, uh, Lisa Vanderpump,
she was on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
-There's-- -[laughter]
There's so much you can know about her,
but just basically, like, she's British
-and a huge bitch. -[laughter]
Obviously, I'm joking, but if Lisa Vanderpump, like,
her, you know, career at Bravo doesn't work out--
which it's looking like... it might not be working out.
She could have a very bright future as a publicist.
I could see her being in a press conference for me
and some, you know, snarky reporter who, like,
lives in Brooklyn and wears band T-shirts
and eats granola for breakfast would be like
asking some question I don't feel like answering.
The reporter would be all snotty and like,
"Lisa, can you--" Well, sorry, I don't know why
the reporter would be British, but...
[laughter]
whatever.
Lisa wouldn't want to answer and instead of coming up
with some strategic remark, she would just go like this.
She would be like,
[as Lisa Vanderpump] "Giggy!"
[normal voice] And it would be so brilliant.
I would also hire her husband Ken Vanderpump Todd
-to, like, waddle out... -[laughter]
with Giggy, like, silently sufficating in his armpit...
[laughter]
and he would obviously only have one thing to say.
[as Ken Todd] "Good-bye, Kyle."
-[laughter] -Epic.
Ooh, I'm, like, kinda getting excited.
Like, maybe I would be president.
I'd be so fucking chic. Like wear a pants suit and shit.
-Yas, camel toe for life. -[laughter]
Oh, uh, I could get bodyguards, right?
So hot. Like, little Secret Service
with a little ding-a-ling in their ear.
I think there's something so chic about having bodyguards.
Like, sign...me...up.
And I'm a lot, you know?
Physically, obviously, yeah, but...
I'm also a lot, like, spiritually and emotionally.
And I couldn't just get any old bodyguard.
I need the best of the best. Le créme de la créme.
That means "cream," by the way.
I know you guys are from New Jersey.
[laughter]
So whoever the most famous person in the world is,
like, I want their bodyguard.
I want the same bodyguard as Kim Kardashian.
Well, actually, no, I don't.
Sorry. [laughs]
Lest we not forget homegirl Kim was, like, robbed at gunpoint
at her apartment in Paris while her bodyguard
was out at a club with Kendall.
[laughter]
It's gonna be a "no" from me, dog.
-[laughter] -Maybe not. Maybe not.
Honestly, like I said, this is a lot to protect.
Maybe the only type of bodyguard who could really handle
all of this is a female bodyguard.
-[cheers] -Right.
Right. 'Cause then I'd be protected,
but then also people would "whoo" everywhere I go
'cause I'm, like, empowering women, you know?
I just think a bodyguard would be really fucking necessary.
I perform in theaters. People be trying to, like,
John Wilkes Booth the shit outta me.
[laughter]
Well, I feel like only us history majors got that joke.
I like how I also included myself in the history majors.
We all know I was not a history major.
I was a media major.
Yeah, which is just code for "dumb," you know?
Actually, it was media and communications.
Which is code for "dumb and proud."
[laughter]
Oh, my God, if I had female bodyguards
and we would, like, spend all this, like, downtime together
on the jet we would do, like, girly things.
Like we would make up dances. I would make them all, like,
choreograph dances and, like, be in my TikToks,
but, like, behind me, you know?
[laughter]
[cheers]
I don't know I would do, like, girly stuff.
We would paint each other's nails,
braid each other's pubes. Whatever! I don't know!
No, I'm kidding, Kyle. Girls don't have pubes.
-Don't worry. -[laughter]
[whispers] Yeah, we do.
Big ones. Curly ones.
-[laughter] -Dark ones.
-Ones that hurt. -[laughter]
[normal voice, gasps] Oh, my God, wait.
So, if I was president I would actually only hire
bodyguards who I had, like, experience being members
of elite squads.
Known as the Special Victims Unit.
-[laughter] -Can you picture me,
like, jetting around town with fucking Mariska Hargitay?
[laughter]
Don't make me do it. Don't.
-Don't. -[cheers]
[hums Law & Ordertheme]
That song, like, does something to me.
[laughter]
You know how people hear that Marvin Gaye song...
[hums "Let's Get it On"]
and that song makes them wanna fuck?
That's how I feel about the SVUtheme song.
-[laughter] -When that song comes on,
BD Wong's face flashes across my screen...
I say to my dog, "Theo, get over here."
[laughter]
I have got to stop joking about having sex with my dog...
[laughter]
-because I'm only half kidding. -[laughter]
'cause to me it just makes the most sense.
Like, you love something, fuck it, right?
But I'm kidding. PETA, I'm kidding.
[laughter]
Also, I heard a rumor. Did you guys hear?
That, um...
"In the criminal justice system sexually based offenses
are considered especially heinous.
In New York City the dedicated detectives who investigate
these vicious felonies are the members of an elite squad
known as the Special Victims Unit.
These are the stories." Dun dun!
[cheers and applause]
But like I said, that was just a rumor.
[laughter]
I think you guys will understand what I'm about to say.
I find these days-- in a very annoying way,
I find pop culture and politics--
no one's asking, but somehow they're always...
-fucking scissoring. -[laughter]
As pop culture's number one fan, I find it incredibly annoying,
but as potential president, I find it very exciting.
I would abuse the shit outta that.
Like only go to events I knew celebrities were scheduled
to attend and then abuse my time with them.
Like I'd be at the U.N., I see Kim Kardashian,
-I'm like, "Kim..." -[laughter]
-hi, it's me... -[laughter]
Madam President.
I have this Instagram account, Kim,
it's called Girl With No Job. I feel like you would
really like it. You should follow it.
Also, I do a morning show, Kim, called The Morning Toast.
We go live Monday through Friday 10:30 a.m. Eastern time
-on YouTube. -[cheers and applause]
You should stop by for an interview, Kim.
I'll have my people call your people."
Except, though, if I was on my way to an event
and someone told me, um, that Cuba Gooding Jr.
-was gonna be there... -[audience groans]
it's gonna be a "no" from me, dog.
I do not fuck with Cuba Gooding Jr...
-anymore. -[laughter]
I'm sure a lot of you know why. I really don't wanna
get into it, straight boy, just, like, look it up.
-I can't. Like... -[laughter]
[exhales sharply] Me and Cuba Gooding Jr. have...
like a deep and--and dark and dirty history
that I really just don't feel like getting emotional.
So I'm--I'm not going to, but, um...
-the year was 2011. -[laughter]
Now some of you guys know about me.
I grew up in New York City. Yes, that was me on Gossip Girl.
Like, stop asking.
And it's a great place to grow up.
When you're a kid, you know, it's museums.
Lots of different cultures. There's rats everywhere.
It's exactly what you want in a neighborhood.
And it's actually not that fun when you're a teenager.
People think it's, like, glamorous life.
Gossip Girl. Like, cocaine.
-No. -[laughter]
Not at all actually. I really could've used
-some cocaine in high school. -[laughter]
It's incredibly boring to be, like, a horny teenager
in--in Manhattan because it's--it's hard.
You're just trying to, like, get fucked up
and, like, fingered on the weekends, but you can't.
-[laughter] -Let me explain. Let me explain.
Because...[scoffs]
-Let me explain. -[laughter]
Everyone in New York lives in tiny apartments.
Like, logistically it's just not gonna work.
There's literally no where for you to get fingered.
[laughter]
But in the suburbs, you know, everyone's got, like,
an attic or a basement with a pool table
-you can get fingered on. -[laughter]
So, in Manhattan, you pretty much just gotta finger yourself.
-[laughter] -And that's not the same.
-It's better. -[laughter]
So it's super boring just being, like, a teenager
in New York, but something happens for you,
and it happened for me when I was in the 11th grade,
when you kinda graduate to the next level of socialization
and you start going to clubs.
And to some people it sounds crazy.
Like, I told this story in Milwaukee
and those hillbillies were like,
"You were going to a club at 16?!"
And I was like, "Yes, I was, partner!"
But if you're cool, like, you know it's not that crazy.
So I started going clubbing when I was 16,
but the type of clubs I was going to in the 11th grade
were hardly clubs. They were "flubs," okay?
They were not legitimate institutions.
They didn't even have bouncers or, like, velvet ropes.
They had human traffickers in the basement.
-[laughter] -But when you're 16,
a vodka cranberry's a vodka cranberry.
Who the fuck are you to judge other people?
-[cheers] -Whoo! Yeah!
So we did what we had to do.
And I fell in love with clubbing at a very young age.
Like, I'm still in love with clubbing.
I think they're so magical. Like, honestly,
if you're ever looking for me, just check the local club.
I'm probably asleep there or something.
I think that clubs are so special
and you can have these, like, magical moments.
Like, take all these pictures and make all these friends
and then also not remember any of it.
And I find that to be really special.
so I fell in love with clubbing at 16
and I'll never forget the night me and my friends
got into a real club.
Legitimate had a liquor license, okay?
It...was...fancy.
So we roll in-- And it's so crazy,
I remember so many weird details about that night
'cause it was destined to be the night of my life.
I remember I was wearing, like, a very bold red lipstick.
[sighs] Which was very daring of me.
Yes, I know. And I was telling everyone
my lipstick, yeah, "Oh, you like it?
-It's CHANEL." -[laughter]
Which was true. I was just being so
fucking annoying about it. I'm like, "Oh, Cha-nel."
-[laughter] -You know, looks like 'channel'
-pronounced 'Cha-nel.' -[laughter]
"Can you take a picture of me? Oh, my lipstick?
CHANEL!"
I was also telling everyone the truth, which was that
the lipstick actually belonged to my great-grandmother.
[laughter]
-Which is fucking disgusting... -[laughter]
but I think--Like, back then I thought it was, like,
an antique.
But now I'm telling you. I'm like, "That's fucking ew."
Lipsticks aren't meant to survive the Holocaust, okay?
"Throw it out, you cheap bitch.
So I'm walking in. Me and my friends
couldn't believe we got into this club.
We looked like we were six years old
and we were just feeling ourselves.
I remember I was wearing like, a leather jacket
draped over my shoulders. Which is, like, such
a girl in a club thing to do, you know?
'Cause it gets hot in the club, you know?
And I like to keep my jacket on 'cause I'm not the type of girl
to just, like, take it off and show you
-you my upper arms, you know? -[laughter]
Call me old fashioned, but, like, get to know me first.
So, I was with a bunch of guys and girls.
Yes, I used to hang out with the guys, yeah.
And we--we split up. We got to the club, we split up.
Guys went somewhere and all the girls did what girls do.
We found, like, an elevated surface
-to just perch on. -[laughter, cheers]
We're sitting up in this booth, like, looking around.
Feeling ourselves. Feeling good.
But being a girl in a club is incredibly difficult
because you pretty much spend the entire time
trying not to sweat.
You're fighting your natural bodily instincts.
-You're like, "Shit. Fuck." -[laughter]
Looking at your hairline like, "Bitch, I blow-dried you
for three motherfucking hours! You better stay dry!"
-[laughter] -'Cause you know...
once that sweaty upper lip comes out, the sula...
-[laughter] -Once that sula comes out,
-it's time to go home. -[laughter]
Or when that last bit of sweat makes its way
-down your back... -[laughter]
-and into your butt crack... -[laughter]
call the Uber, we're going home.
[laughter]
So it's hard to be a girl in a club
because you wanna have fun, you wanna dance,
you want people to buy you drinks.
Nobody's gonna buy a drink for a girl
who's just standing there, you know?
But you can't sweat. So, what do you do?
You do that dance move where it's like a lot of...
a lot of this. You know, it's not--
it's a lot of upper body movement so you don't overexert
and start to sweat. So it's like, it's very casual.
-It's like a... -[laughter]
You know, it's a lot of upper body movement,
but absolutely nothing below the waist.
[laughter] So we're all up there,
like, feeling ourselves. I felt like I was, like,
fucking Blair Waldorf, okay?
Well, I was like the fat Blair Waldorf.
[laughter]
And we're just up there minding our own business.
Feeling like socialites in New York City.
Got my red lipstick. And I'm just minding
my own business when all of a sudden--
I don't even know how to describe what happens
next 'cause it's almost like I--
like I feel, um...
like a finger go up my ass.
[laughter]
Oh, right, and that's because it was
in fact a finger going up my ass...
-[laughter] -And I'm shook.
Because if you know anything about me, I grew up in a very,
you know, tight-knit Orthodox Jewish community
where fingers just weren't really put up butts a lot.
[laughter]
And--And no, you know, no judgment.
If they were, I just wasn't involved
in those types of, like, group chats.
So, I turn around and there was this little man
standing there, like, hysterically laughing
and I'm--I'm perplexed. I-I'm like...
"Do I know you?"
It was the most bizarre social interaction
in the history of social interactions.
I'm--I freaked out. I, like, hopped off my booth...
-[laughter] -and I, like, ran over
to some of the guys. You know, I'm like, "David,
Adam, John, [panting]"
You know, I was like--I was looking for guys 'cause, like,
when you're a teenager you think that, like, men are in charge.
They rule the world, you know? But then, like, you marry one...
[laughter, cheering]
and you're like, "Oh.
Oh, you want me to change the light bulb?
Okay, cool. Yeah, I got you, boo."
But I was naiïve back then. I thought they could help.
I thought they were problem solvers.
So, I'm like running around the club with my fucking
red lipstick and I find them and I'm like,
"You guys!
I really don't even, like, know how to say this, but, um...
[panting] someone just put their finger
up my ass." [giggles]
And these kids are like, "What?!"
And I'm like, "Yeah, I really don't know how else
to say it. A finger was put up my ass."
And it was very sweet. You know, they wanted to help.
They jumped to the rescue. They're like,
"Who?! Who was it?!
[laughter]
We're gonna go get him!"
And you know me, I was, like, living for the attention.
Boys were finally talking to me.
Really playing into the whole damsel in distress thing.
And I thought that they could help.
You know, in my mind when you're in high school,
like, the boys in your grade, they're the men of the world.
You know, they're-- they look like Roger
from the Jersey Shore, you know?
I thought that they could really help.
When, in reality, they were, like, 90-pound Jewish kids...
-[laughter] -with glasses.
Like, I don't know the extent that they could help,
but like I said, I was living for the attention.
So, they're like, "Who was it?" And I'm like,
"It was him over there!"
[laughter]
So they go.
You know, they're walking all macho.
They're walking like they had a finger up their ass.
[laughter]
And about half way there they stop dead in their tracks
and they come back and they're like, "Claudia,
do you know who that is?" And I'm like,
"Him? Oh, yeah, I'm, like, pretty sure that's the guy
-who put his finger up my ass." -[laughter]
And they go, "No, that's Cuba Gooding Jr.!"
-And I'm like, "Who?" -[laughter]
Guys, forgive me. It was 2011.
He hadn't played the iconic role of O.J. Simpson yet.
He was just the guy from Snow Dogs,okay?
Forgive me for not recognizing him immediately.
And I didn't care. I said, "I don't care! Go!
Defend me!" So what do they do?
They've never met a celebrity before.
They go over, they're like, "Bro!
Fucking Snow Dogs,bro!
You the man, bro!"
Nobody defended me and I was mortified,
but I feel like I learned a very valuable lesson
because when you just grow up a woman in the world,
you just think justice is gonna serve itself up
on a platter for you when that is not the case.
Sometimes you gotta get your shit together
and put the justice up yourself.
[laugher, cheering]
So, do you wanna know what I did?
-I went home... -[laughter]
and I went to sleep. Peacefully, actually.
And I never did anything about it, ever,
-except tell everyone. -[laughter]
Because, to me, that's, like, so embarrassing for him.
That's worse than any sort of revenge.
Like, "You wanna put your finger up my ass?
Fine, I'm telling everyone!"
And I have been telling this story for years.
Any opportunity. Any radio interview,
podcast interview, web show. I don't give a shit.
I'm on iCarly, you know I'm telling that story.
[laughter]
Telling everyone and nobody has given a shit.
Like, nobody cared.
But I'm sure you saw last year Cuba Gooding Jr.
was in the news again because, um, he did it again.
He grabbed some girl's ass in a club.
I'm sure you saw it and they got it on tape.
And it was a whole news story 'cause the girl
called the police and I was like, "Oh, [giggles]...
-[laughter] -Good call."
[laughter]
Literally never occurred to me.
[laughter]
And, of course, it was such a big news story
that anything I had ever said about the situation
was picked up in, like, every media outlet.
I was on the cover of every website.
It was press I could only dream of.
Just not about this, you know?
Every major, well-respected publication
talking about my butthole.
And I'm sorry, it's just not what I want to be known for.
I feel like there's more to me. Like, I have super shiny hair,
like, a really cute dog, a sveltephysique.
I just think there was more that they could've been discussing,
but no, here we are talking about my butthole.
And it was mortifying and normally, like I would--
like I said, it was press I could only dream of.
It was just--It was too much and the situation
got so out of hand. There was so much press
that it actually, like, the circumstances demanded
a response from Cuba Gooding Jr. and we got one.
-From his lawyer, but it counts. -[laughter]
He released a statement. I couldn't believe it.
I was, like, reading about me from him.
And it was like, "Mr. Cuba--Mr. Gooding Jr.--
-Well, Mr. Junior? -[laughter]
"Mr. Gooding Jr." That doesn't sound right.
-"Cubes... -[laughter]
has absolutely no idea who this woman is.
Never met her and doesn't recall the incident."
Like, "Oh, shocker. You don't remember me?
-What about now? -[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Is it all coming back to you now?"
It was so crazy and I think the craziest part
of this whole fiasco was my Twitter.
[exhales sharply] Woof.
Because my Twitter is, on an average day,
like a cesspool of disgust, but it's stuff I can deal with.
You know, like, people Tweeting at me like,
"Oh, you fat fucking Jew bitch."
Which is so mean, but, like, not factually incorrect, so...
[laughter]
How mad can I be?
But on this Cuba Gooding Jr. day it was taken to another level.
People being like, "Fat fucking Jew bitch
likes a big, fat finger up her ass."
-[laughter] -And I was like, "Oh, my God.
How the fuck do you know that?"
[laughter]
What really bothered me the most, though,
was just, like, everyone calling me a liar.
Like, "Liar liar. Pants on motherfucking fire."
Which was just so upsetting 'cause do I lie?
-All the time. -[laughter]
But am I lying about this? No.
Who the fuck would lie about this?
And it really got me thinking where I was like,
"You know what? I can't lie anymore because
no one's gonna believe me when I'm actually telling the truth.
It was, like, something you learn in the second grade,
but I learned at the age of 25.
I actually knew I really wanted to stop lying
when very randomly someone goes to me, "Hey, Claudia."
And I was like, "Leave me alone. What do you want?"
And they're like, "Have you ever seen Dark Knight Rises?"
And I was like, "Yeah. [kisses] Amazing film."
But, like, I've never seen that movie and my instinct to lie
so naturally, like, really caught me off guard.
Like, as I was lying I was thinking to myself,
I'm like, "Bitch, what the fuck are you doing?"
So I was like, "I'm gonna stop lying."
And I tried to go, like, on this healing journey
of self-discovery and, like, trace back
in my childhood to find the first lie I ever told.
Or just, like, figure out how I became
Paul Giamatti in Big Fat Liar.
And I was watching these, like, creepy videos on YouTube
with, like, a man, like, trying to, like, you know,
trigger my memory and I-- it didn't work,
but like a month later I was watching TV
and this memory, like, shot back to the front of my mind.
Like, maybe it did work. Like, I felt like Raven-Symoné.
I, like, shot up from the couch and I was like...
[laughter]
-"Oh, snap!" -[laughter]
And this memory came running back to me.
And it was this particular day in the fourth grade
where I told a lie and I don't know if it was
the best lie I ever told and it definitely wasn't
the first lie I ever told, but God wanted me to remember
for a reason. And it's crazy.
I remember so many details about this day in fourth grade.
And if you know anything about me, you follow me on Instagram,
you know, actually very sadly, I suffer from a disease
-called amnesia... -[laughter]
where I literally don't remember anything ever.
Like, I remember being born and then walking on stage
and nothing in between. So, I remember crazy details.
It was the first day of fourth grade.
I want you to picture it. And in order to picture it,
you need to know one small detail
that might be really hard for you to picture,
um, but when I was in the fourth grade,
I was actually very thin. Very thin.
Like to the point where adults were worried
about me, you know? Adults are worried about me now,
but, like, for totally different reasons.
And I was just one of those thin people who thought
that they were better than everyone else.
You know thin people like that?
Where, like, the rules don't apply to them?
Everyone knows a skinny person like that.
Well, if you don't know a skinny person like that,
-it's you. -[laughter]
And I just remember walking into the first day
of fourth grade with this sense of superiority
where I just felt like I was above the law.
I was above academia and I was just not down
for anything, you know?
And--it's so crazy, I remember a million details.
My teacher? Her name was Ms. Goldberg.
Obviously I went to a Jewish school.
Ms. Goldberg. Why do I remember her?
No clue. Actually, I know exactly
why I remember her. I remember as a child--
even back then, being very triggered
by her hairstyle which was, um, a pixie cut.
And, like, no offense, that is just not a hairstyle
that, like, I agree with and one I feel
-personally triggered by. -[laughter]
Also, I remember remembering her because we knew her first name.
You guys remember back in the day
you knew the teacher's first name?
It was like the wildest shit.
-You'd be like, "Aah..." -[laughter]
Whisper that shit behind their back.
And her first name, it was Amanda
and she had a man's haircut, so you know we were all like,
"You're a man. [giggles]
-Duh!" -[laughter]
[chuckles]
I was very clever in the fourth grade.
So I just remember walking in, not being down for, like, Amanda
and all of her bullshit. I had spent the entire summer
watching Crossroadswith Britney Spears.
Do you guys remember that movie?
[cheers and applause]
And that's where my brain was at.
Like, I couldn't allot anymore brain cells to anything
other than this Britney Spears movie
'cause it just took over my life.
I spent the whole summer, like, pressing rewind,
play, rewind, play on the VCR.
It was just iconic. And I just walk in
and Amanda's, like, talking some bullshit
and I just couldn't agree with it, you know?
And I remember sitting down and she welcomes us back to class
and she's like, "You know, let's take 20 minutes.
Let's ease back into things." And I was like, "Okay.
I actually can do that."
She goes, "Write a poem about what you did this summer."
And I was like, "[groans] It's gonna be a no
-from me, dog." -[laughter]
I really thought it was so dumb. Like, "What does she want?
A haiku about the handjob I gave under the bleachers?"
Spare me. I didn't even know what a poem was.
I just thought this was so stupid
I literally did anything but the assignment.
Like, I remember I had just gotten a Motorola flip phone
and I was playing Snake and shit.
I went to the bathroom like 700 times.
Took a couple, like, nude selfies in the stall.
Like, fourth grade things, you know?
[laughter]
And I get back to class and I sit down
and homegirl Amanda's like, "Five more minutes."
And as much as I thought I was, like, better than everyone
and that the rules didn't apply to me,
when you're a kid, you're actually deeply afraid
of your teachers because, to you,
they're, like, the highest level of authority.
They're the police, you know? And--And the Principal's office
is Litchfield Correctional Facility
and you're bunking with Joe Guidice.
[laughter]
So she says, "Five more minutes."
I'm like, "Oh, fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
Well, sorry, no. I was a child,
so it was probably more like, "Darn. Darn. Darn."
And it wasn't a graded assignment.
I just had to get some words on the page.
I just needed to hand something in.
And for the life of me I couldn't even remember
what a poem was.
I was in the fourth grade and--and all I could think about
was this Britney Spears movie that had taken over
my entire life and this scene from the movie
came running back to me. I remembered.
Remember that scene, she has that book of poems
the whole movie and then that murderer
with the convertible who drove them
across the country to Kim Cattrall's house,
he took that book of poems in the motel,
turned them into songs. Remember?
-[women] Yeah! -And it was in that moment
that I actually figure out for the first time
that a poem is essentially just a song.
The two are the same. They both rhyme.
It totally made sense to me.
So, I very quickly just wrote down the lyrics
to "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman"...
[laughter]
from the soundtrack of that movie.
Now, I must preface by saying I chose that song
because it was my favorite. Obviously, I'm retelling you
this story, I realize that a fourth grader
submitting a poem that says "I'm not a girl...
not yet a woman" is deeply profound.
[laughter]
I just wrote down, like, a little bit of the chorus.
My teacher comes over. She starts walking over.
I'm freaking out.
You know, she's got her coffee breath, her pixie cut,
she places her hand on my shoulder--Very inappropriate.
that would never happen in this climate.
-[laughter] -And she just, like, leans over.
My heart's beating so motherfucking fast.
She leans over and she looks and she goes,
"Claudia." And I'm like,
-"Ye--Yes, Amanda?" -[laughter]
She goes, "That's beautiful!"
And I'm like, "Thank you so much, Ms. Goldberg.
-It came from my heart. -[laughter]
This means so much to me. Thank you."
I thought I had, like, gotten away with murder
until she throws me a curveball. She goes, "Would you like
-to share with the class?" -[laughter]
And I'm like, "Huh...
no, you dumb bitch.
This is plagiarized material.
I do not want to share with the class.
No, thank you." It was the worst thing
she could've asked me because, remember, I was thin.
Normally, I would never turn down an opportunity
to be the center of attention.
So I freaked out. I was just, like, "No,
-um, I'm shy." -[laughter]
Which was the worst answer I could've given
because I was a lot of things, but I wasn't shy.
She goes, "What?" I knew if I kept denying
her request she would've been on to me,
so I was just like, "All right, bitch, I'll do it!
Shut up! Sit down!"
I knew I was gonna go down for plagiarism
and I was okay with that. It was my cross to bare.
[laughter]
-I love this. -[laughter]
I know it's, like, totally sacrilegious.
I'm, like, a big Jew, but...
I fucking love this like so much.
It's such a cute, like, little move.
Like dance. You can find me in the club
-like... -[laughter]
[humming]
I did it in front of, like, some of my Jewish friends
-and they were like... -[laughter]
"What the fuck did you just do?!"
[laughter]
And I was like, "Chill, you guys.
-It's comedy." -[laughter]
So I get up to the front of the class--
and, by the way, I'm gonna tell you the whole story,
I'm just, like, really afraid that the straight dudes
in here, like, don't know what song I'm talking about.
So, really quickly, it goes a little something
like this.
Please let me remind you this is a solo performance.
[laughter]
♪ I used to think [humming]
♪ That I had the answers
♪ To everything
[vocalizing]
♪ But now I know Hey.
♪ That life doesn't always
♪ Go my way
♪ It feels like I'm caught in the middle ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ So, don't tell me to shut my eyes ♪
♪ I'm not girl
♪ I'm not a girl, don't tell me what to believe ♪
♪ I'm just trying to find the woman in me ♪
♪ All I need is Kyle [kisses]
♪ A moment that is mine
♪ And while I'm in between
♪ I'm not a
[whispers] Big finish.
♪ Girl
[cheers and applause]
So, I-I go up to the front of the class, you guys,
I remember intentionally walking up to the front of the class
very slow.
[laughter]
What was that gonna do? I don't know.
What was she gonna say? "Claudia, you look kinda slow.
-Sit down." -[laughter]
I'm covering my entire face with my sheet of paper.
I'm like fucking mortified.
And if you think about it, I was having a hard time
'cause it's really hard to speak the lyrics
to a song that you know very well
and not just, like, Whitney Houston that shit.
[laughter]
And I didn't want everyone to know that I was, like,
singing a popular song, you know?
So I remember getting up there and trying to mask the fact
that this was, like, a very popular Top-40 radio hit.
So I'm adding weird inflections in my voice.
I'm like...
-"I'm not a girl? -[laughter]
Not yet a woman!"
And then some, like, distracting dance moves.
"All I need...
[laughter]
is time.
[laughter]
A moment that's...
mine!"
Then I throw an accent in there just to throw everyone off.
[southern drawl] "While I'm in between.
[British accent] I'm not a girl!
The King of the North!"
[normal voice] Dead fucking silence
from my classmates.
They're like, "Is this bitch kidding?"
I don't know what the fuck I thought I was doing.
This was the biggest movie in the world.
It was the Spring musical directed by Ms. Darbus
[cheers]
Dead silence followed by...
resounding applause!
-[laughter, cheers] -No!
Don't clap! I was literally let down.
Like I was--I was okay with the fact that I was
going down for plagiarism. That was my cross to bear.
And then I would've known me and my classmates
had common interests, you know? They were cool.
No, they didn't know this fucking song.
I was the nerd who shared a poem
-about puberty! -[laughter]
And if I'm being honest,
that's when the drinking started.
[laughter]
I wish I was kidding.
[exhales sharply] I love drinking so much.
I think that's the hardest part about having been on tour
for two years is, like, people come to my show
and for some reason they treat it as, like,
the most fucked up they're ever gonna get in their lives.
I see people in the front row
start throwing up on themselves, peeing themselves,
And that's the bar for my shows now.
Like, if someone tonight doesn't shart
-this is a failure. -[laughter]
Everybody knows what a "shart" is, right?
Like, you fart and a little shit comes out?
You never forget your first.
-Color War 2007. -[laughter]
Our team won, but I was the loser.
[laughter]
It's just not fair. Like, people get so fucked up
at my shows and they tend to forget,
like, I'm up here working. I'm dead sober
and I'm so jealous of all the fun you're having.
And every once in a while there's some asshole.
Like, in Phoenix she got up and she was like,
"Claudia, take a shot."
[laughter]
Of course I took it. I don't turn down a free drink.
And homegirl must've laced it with, like, some anthrax
'cause I was not well.
They had to, like, refund everyone's tickets.
The moral of the story is I can't drink when I'm here
and that sucks. 'Cause I love drinking
and I used to have a complex about how much I drank.
You know, but then I read a quote that, like,
totally changed my life. I think it was, like--
It's--What was that guy? Um, Walt Whitman.
[laughter]
I can know Walt Whitman. Why is that funny?
No, I'm kidding, it was a meme
-and it said... -[laughter]
it said, "Blacking out is God's way of saying
-'forget about it.'" -[laughter]
And that really struck a chord with me
and I no longer felt like I should be embarrassed
about how much I drink and now I just, like,
drink everywhere and I drink everything
and I just love it.
And I'm not kidding when I say I drink everything.
For a brief period in my life, like, I remember in college
I was one of those girls who, like, threw up
from drinking tequila one time
and if she was in the presence of tequila she was like,
"I'm gonna vomit! [gagging] I'm gagging!
Like, oh, my God, I can only drink vodka."
[laughter]
And then when I graduated I thought I was a real woman
and I only drank wine. I was like Ramona Singer.
[as Ramona Singer] "Pinot Grigio only."
[laughter]
I don't know why I made Ramona a man.
[laughter]
[normal voice, chuckling] Now...
I don't give a shit.
I will drink anything that gets me fucked up.
Like, I will lick up red wine from the floor.
I will drink that shit through a paper straw, okay?
-No, I would never do that. -[laughter]
I'm not crazy.
Fuck the turtles.
That was a joke!
You cannot say shit like that.
♪ I was kidding
Oh, you know what I actually don't like to drink, though?
I really will drink every-- Ugh, oh, my God you know
when you gag at the memory?
I really don't like drinking...
water. [groans]
[laughter]
No, I'm dead fucking serious. I haven't drank water
in, like, ten years. And I don't care.
I'm so bothered by water, you know?
I hate, like, everyone gives it so much respect
and no one really talks about low key the taste.
[laughter]
-Nick Viall. -[laughter]
I'll overhear girls in bars, like, drinking shots
and they're like, "Ew, these tequila shots
are so warm. I'm gonna gag."
I'm like, "Really, bitch? Have you ever tried
-ice-cold water? -[laughter]
Talk to me then, Sally!"
You have to keep drinking water. It's so--
Oh, my God, it's taxing.
I feel like I've had the same bottle of water
on my night stand, like, since I moved into my apartment.
[laughter]
And every time I do finish a bottle of water,
I'll, like, look at my clock and I'll be like,
"Oh, my God, that took me, like, a month!
You're supposed to do that shit multiple times a day.
I literally don't understand how
and what really bothers me most about water
is the way that people act about it.
Like it's fucking special magical crack.
It's gonna solve all your problems.
[chuckles] 'Cause I'm one of those people
who gets migraines all the time. So annoying.
Probably attributed to the fact that I don't drink enough water.
And if I'm ever just, like, talking about migraines
with people or just, you know, comparing tips and tricks,
there's always some asshole in the conversation
who's like, "Claudia, if you drank more water
-those would go away." -[laughter]
"Really? I don't think that's how the brain works,
-Dolly, so shut the fuck up." -[laughter]
Oh, and then, you know, there's every red carpet,
homegirl Giuliana Rancic being so motherfucking thirsty
flagging down celebrities.
Giuliana Rancic on a red carpet looks like those blow-up dolls
they keep outside carpet stores.
[laughter]
Flagging down celebrities. Being like, "Oh, my God!
You look amazing! How do you stay looking
so young and fresh?"
And, you know, these celebrities they've had their face
tucked behind their ears like six times this year,
they're always like, "Thank you, Giuliana,
-I drink a lot of water." -[laughter]
I drank water once.
I looked nothing like a celebrity!
I don't drink anything but, like, Fresca.
A little Diet Coke, too.
My body's like, "33% Diet Coke,
33% Fresca, 33% chicken nuggets.
I love drinking Fresca. And it's a--
If you don't know, Fresca's, like, the best
soda in the world and it's kinda clear.
So, when I drink it I'm, like, tricking my body.
I'm like, "We're drinking water."
This is not the right hand motion for this.
[laughter]
And, by the way, that's why I exclusively fly Delta Airlines
because they're the only airline who serves Fresca
and that's the other thing about touring.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want it to seem like
I'm complaining, 'cause I'm so grateful.
You know, tour has been amazing.
You know, great people, mediocre money,
but it's good. It's good.
But the tour, the travel, is just beyond me.
I-I-I have a Jewish body...
and you'll only know what that means if you have one
and we don't travel well.
So, flying has been really hard for me
and I pretty much have exclusively flown Delta.
And it's like, fine. It's like the best of the worst.
It's always something. I don't know, is it just me
or is it anytime you get on a plane now as an adult,
-like, we're gonna die. -[laughter]
I don't remember feeling so afraid as a kid.
Maybe it's, like, now as an adult I have more to lose.
Like, I don't want to die now.
-I'm fucking rich and famous. -[laughter]
But, like, as a kid, who would miss me?
You know, Ms. Goldberg? No.
[laughter]
But it's always something, you know?
I got a million stories. Ugh, if these walls could talk.
they'd tell you about the time I was flying to Kansas City.
I just flew to Kansas City actually, like, a month ago.
Nice city. Sort of.
No, it was nice. It was nice.
And, you know, I'm flying out of LaGuardia.
Just sitting on the tarmac for an hour.
Nobody says anything. It was so frustrating.
Flying Delta. Delayed an hour.
No words from the pilots. They're very non-communicative.
I'm sure their wives are thrilled.
-[laughter] -Sitting there.
Someone actually once told me Delta is secretly an acronym
for "Don't Ever Leave the Airport."
And I really felt that, you know?
No word from the pilot. Finally, about an hour later,
the pilot comes on and he's like, "Hey."
and I'm like, "Pete?
[laughter]
Is that you, honey?"
He comes on and he's like, "We're really sorry
about the delay. We're, like, about to take off.
There's just 17 planes taxiing in front of us."
And I'm like, "Okay, but that sounds like a lot."
I knew we were gonna be there for another 45 minutes.
I got, like, my magazines out. I took my shoes off.
Not my socks. I'm not disgusting.
And I'm just chilling and maybe ten seconds
after the announcement we're in the air.
It was weird. Normally, I would just be
excited to be, like, on my way, but something about this
whole situation smelled kinda fishy.
It was definitely giving me, like, a hijack vibe, you know?
[laughter]
Because not only were we taking off prematurely...it was bad.
And I know I'm a brain dead moron and I can't comment
on what a pilot does, but it was not good.
-[laughter] -It felt like Stevie Wonder
-was taking us off, okay? -[laughter]
And so I was freaking out, but then I was also
a little nervous because when they were making
the announcement I remember this, like, super cute,
borderline geriatric man had gotten up
-and went to the bathroom... -[audience groans]
-and he hadn't come back yet. -[laughter]
So, we're in this treacherous takeoff
and all I can think about is the man with his penis out
in the bathroom bopping around in there
-like it's the fucking cockpit. -[laughter]
And it was just so scary, but I'd become
such a nervous flyer. so what I've started to do
is I'll actually do--It's actually a really good trick.
Feel free to take this with you when you go.
I'll scan the plane. I'll look at everyone's faces...
and I'll read their facial reactions.
And if nobody else looks really concerned,
it really calms me down.
It's like a herd mentality thing.
So, I look around the plane...
-people are freaking out. -[laughter]
You know you're fucked when people start taking out
rosary beads on a plane!
[laughter]
So, not only am I freaking out,
I'm also feeling a little left out because I'm Jewish.
We don't get little knickknacks like that, you know?
Gentiles got their tchotchkes, their beads,
their books, their dance.
[laughter]
We got nothing!
I literally turned to the lady next to me.
She had this, like, very cute pink Bible.
And I'm like, "Hey, bitch, is that the Old Testament?
[laughter]
If so, may I borrow it?"
[laughter]
Technically you guys are borrowing it from us,
but whatever.
It wasn't the time or the place for a discussion like that,
you know what I'm saying?
Obviously, you know, thank God, I ended up being fine.
It was just so annoying. I really feel like airlines
should hire people, like, who work for them
who's job it is to, like, walk around the cabin
and, like, talk to passengers and, like,
maybe hand out snacks, you know?
It's too bad that people like that don't exist.
And I know that we're not supposed to discriminate
against groups of people and I swear I don't...
except when it comes to flight attendants.
And I'm sorry if anyone in here or watching
is a flight attendant because...
-fuck you! -[laughter]
You know what it is about flight attendants
and just, like, aviation in general?
The problem is that the rules in the sky are different
than the rules on land.
Let me give you an example 'cause let's say, for instance,
you're--you're out on the town. It's a girl's night, on land.
Going out for drinks with your girlfriends.
You know, Boomerang, PopSocket selfie,
the whole thing.
Getting drinks and you're at a restaurant
and you need ice. You're drinking a beverage,
you need some ice. So, what do you do?
There's protocol. You'll do the little dance
to flag down the waitress. You're like, "Yeah.
-Thank you." -[laughter]
She'll come.
"Hi, may I have some ice please?"
She's lovely. She says, "Of course."
She goes. What does she take?
Like, four, five minutes?
Comes. Brings back your ice.
Let's say, hypothetically, on land in a restaurant
you were handed a cup of ice with, like,
-a pube on top. -[laughter]
-A little garnish. -[laughter]
What would you do? There's protocol.
Here's what you do.
[laughter]
She comes over and you're like, "Hi, um, I don't really know
how to say this, but there's a pube in my ice."
And, you know, she gets the manager,
they give you a coupon, they'll comp your meal.
Just so you don't, like, take a picture of the pube
and put it on Yelp even though you already did quietly,
you know? There's a way of doing things.
There are rules. Now...
let's take this scenario...
[laughter]
30,000 feet up.
Let's say, hypothetically, you're one of the chosen people
who gets to speak to a flight attendant.
[laughter]
Once you take off, power dynamics have shifted.
There's no dance. There's none of that.
-You're very afraid of her. -[laughter]
And you're like, "Hi...
um... I know you're really busy
and, like, I won't take up a lot of your time.
If I could just get, like, a little bit of ice.
Like, I don't even need a whole cup.
You give me one cube in a napkin.
Like, I said, I really am so sorry to take up
a lot of your time. I'm sorry. I love you!"
And she couldn't be more rude. She's like,
-"I'll see what I can do." -[laughter]
Acting like you just asked her for the most inconvenient thing.
Like you just asked her for a bomb.
[laughter]
So, she'll go. You know, she's busy.
She comes back, like, six hours later
with one cube of ice.
So, let's say, hypothetically, a flight attendant
brings you a cup of ice...
little pube on top.
Actually, you know what? It's not little, it's big!
It's black and curly. Very curly.
It originated from a Jewish bush.
[laughter]
What do you do when you're on a plane?
Your options are quite limited. Here's what you do...
[flicks, exhales sharply]
-"Thank you." -[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
We accept the love we think we deserve in the sky.
And every time I get off a plane I'm so fucking mad.
I feel so disrespected by the flight attendants.
I get off and I'm all disgruntled.
-I wanna talk to HR. -[laughter]
I just love talking about HR, you know?
I feel like I'm the least qualified person for HR
'cause you gotta be nice to everyone.
There'd be people coming in with their complaints.
Like, "[sniffles] I just don't feel safe here."
And I'm like, "Joe, go back to work!"
-[laughter] -Then you can't tell anyone
what Joe said, you know? But I'd go to lunch and be like,
"You guys are never gonna believe what Joe just said."
[laughter]
Also, people love to act like flight attendant jobs
are, like, super hard to get when I can't imagine
that the application is more than one question.
-"Are you an asshole? -[laughter]
-Join us." -[laughter]
So, it's been hard spending so much time on planes
and going to all these cities. And, you know, when you live
in New York you just think like everything is, like,
worse than New York and what's the point
in even traveling, but there are really some
beautiful cities around this country
and I've been really honored... to go.
And I found myself doing this weird thing
'cause you think you live in New York it's the best city
when, like, it's really not.
It's super smelly, very poorly run,
lots of traffic. So I found myself, like,
landing in these cities, getting into my Uber,
like, driving around looking outside
at the people and the places and thinking to myself, like,
"I could live here."
And then I would, like, immediately look up
what my rent in New York, like, got me in Milwaukee,
you know? Spoiler alert!
I'd be a fucking princess in Milwaukee!
Like Meghan Markle, but I'd actually appreciate
-that shit. -[laughter]
I'd also always look up the local income tax rate
'cause I cannot move anywhere where I have to pay higher taxes
'cause, like, I'm up to-- I've had it up to here.
And you know what? This is a big show,
I'm filming a special. I feel like I should make
a really important announcement right now.
Like, I tried. Gave it the old college try,
but I have decided I am no longer paying taxes.
It was too much. And, yes, obviously I watch
The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
-I know what the punishment is. -[laughter]
But I'm down. I would go to jail.
I think that's just what my, like, Z-list career needs.
A mugshot. Maybe I'd make some celebrity
friends, start a vlog series in jail.
Chic. Actually, I actually really came
to terms with the fact. I'm like, "I'll go to jail.
I don't give a shit. Like, if The Situation did it,
-I can do it. -[laughter]
But...I found something out about jail
that I definitely can't go anymore
and I feel like not a lot of people know this
and I found it out in the weirdest way.
Do you guys remember, um...
Thomas Ravenel from Bravo's Southern Charmshow?
-[audience agrees] -So, he got arrested.
Kyle, he's from Bravo's Southern Charmshow.
He got arrested a little while ago
and when he got arrested, I did what any normal person
would do and I went online and I read his arrest report.
I was looking for details. Like was Bravo filming the show?
Like, little stuff. What I found...
was way more shocking.
On the front page of his arrest report on Google,
it had his picture and it said, "Thomas Ravenel
-height and weight." -[laughter]
And I had never thought about it before.
I was like, "Oh, damn, they weigh you in prison?
[laughter]
And that number becomes public record?"
-Absolutely not! -[laughter]
I am now and forever a law-abiding citizen.
Like, I won't smoke pot, I won't jaywalk,
and I'm paying all my taxes!
I'm officially scared straight.
They don't even need that show on A&E
where the prisoners yell at the kids,
just tell all the kids, "Like, we're gonna weigh you."
[laughter]
I couldn't believe it!
Then it's like, "Maybe I should go to jail.
I could finally lose some fucking weight.
You look and see what Joe Guidice looks like?
[laughter]
I couldn't believe it. On the arrest report it said
"Thomas Ravenel 190 pounds. And I was like,
"Holy shit. did I just learn two things?
One, they weigh you in prison.
Two, for a brief period in my life
did I weigh more than Thomas Ravenel?"
[laughter]
That's a diet I can stick to now.
Never again.
So now I have to pay my taxes 'cause I don't wanna get
weighed in. I don't even weigh myself.
You guys, like a free woman, completely naked,
before breakfast, on, like, the plastic
scale I have form Amazon.
You think I'm doing that shit fully clothed
in the middle of the day in front of a man
in prison? Nope!
Goes to TurboTax to file my 1099.
[laughter]
I'm always complaining about my taxes.
It just seems so unfair and, like, people are always
trying to talk to me off the ledge.
Make me understand it. Like, no, I get it.
I just think it's stupid, you know?
and I have this friend. She was really trying
to make me understand and she actually framed
taxes for me. She dumbed it down
and I really understood it a little bit more.
She--She was basically saying, "You have to think back
to 1776, Claudia." You know, "The forefathers
were getting together, bro-ing out."
Thomas Jefferson, uh--uh, Nicolas Cage,
-um... -[laughter]
Benjamin Franklin, he was there.
You know, he was wearing those, like, cute little
Bella Hadid glasses that she made trendy.
-He started that. -[laughter]
-He gets no credit. -[laughter]
She said, "Think back. Like, these guys were starting
a country, they needed money and they basically decided
to charge you rent for the land in which you occupy
and for some reason, the whole rent metaphor
made sense to me. Like, I understand rent.
And I really got it. I was like, "Oh, yeah,
I'm paying rent. Fuck yeah. Go, America."
And then ten seconds later I was like, "Yeah, um, hi.
I have a question. I also pay regular rent
-to my landlord. -[laughter]
So, isn't that double taxation...
without the fucking representation?"
[laughter]
I'm back to being pissed. Like, I just don't get it.
And, like, you know what really doesn't make sense
to me about the whole system? And I feel like I found
a really big loophole that nobody talks about?
If the government's gonna spend all this time every year
cashing checks, taking money out of my cold, dead hands,
and, you know, I'm--I'm a semi-hardworking American.
-It's not fair. -[laughter]
I like when you repeat my jokes back like so much.
[laughter]
No one's really talking about how they're taking
all this money from us, but they also have the ability
to print money.
I would like to dive in deeper.
I feel as though in this country we are not utilizing money
printing technologies enough because I'll always, you know,
I'll watch the news or, well...
I'll walk past someone watching the news...
-[laughter] -and there's always some, like,
nerd analyst being like, "The National Debt has reached
-$100 trillion." -[laughter]
And I'm like, "The National Debt?
Our debt to ourselves? Print that shit!"
It doesn't make any sense why the government is gonna
take money out of our hands. You guys, we work so hard.
Well, some of us and they're gonna spend
all this time, energy, resources into collecting money
from Americans when they could low key also just go,
-Control P. -[laughter]
You're done.
And then--I feel like I'm making a lot of sense.
And when I start talking about this.
Getting really heated, people love to disagree with me.
Like, this girl in Chicago, she stood up and she was like,
"Claudia...
how could you say that?
So fucked up.
That money is really important.
You know, it helps build hospitals
and pave roads."
I'm like, "But does it, though?
Like, I live in New York. One of the highest tax states.
Well, I don't know if that's like a real statistic,
but it feels like we're one of the highest tax states
in the country.
You wanna talk about hospitals?
Have you ever set foot inside a New York City hospital?
Well, I haven't, but I watch SVUand they look disgusting.
[laughter]
Wanna talk about paved road? What's a paved road?
-[laughter] -Explain to me why every time
I get into a vehicle in New York my tits don't stop jiggling.
[laughter]
Bunch of bullshit.
Women in New York need a special bra
-just to get in the car. -[laughter]
Nike should come out with it. I would buy one so fucking fast.
Even though, like, I have a rule where I only have one bra.
You know, and I never wash it, but...
maybe I could make room for a second one.
Obviously, everyone, like, knows I'm, like, the girl
who doesn't wash her pants. I had, like, a video go viral
a little while ago. Like, dirty jeans.
Like, I never wash my jeans. And I was, like,
half kidding about it and people were Tweeting at me
so mean, like, when that video went viral.
Like, "You're fucking disgusting.
-Your vagina smells." -[laughter]
And it's like I was just joking about how I don't like
to wash my jeans and then a few months later
the CEO of Levi's released a report about how
you should actually never wash your jeans.
So when he says it, it's okay, but when I say it,
it's like, "Ew, Claudia, you're disgusting.
Change your underwear." I can't.
I can barely keep up with the Kardashians
let alone my laundry. I'm sorry. I just can't.
And I wash my jeans. Like, people now think--
Like, they come see me, they're like,
"Can we smell your jeans?" I'm like, "No.
Get the fuck away from me, freak."
People think I never wash my jeans when I actually
have a formula. It's simple math as to
frequently I'll wash my jeans. It's really smart.
It's directly correlated to how much I farted that week.
[laughter]
Sorry to say that for girls who brought their husband's here.
No, girls don't fart. No, we don't.
[laughter]
[whispers] Big ones.
Smelly ones.
[normal voice] I get it, though, girl.
Like, I'm married now, but when I first started dating
my husband I was one of those girls.
I was being a full-time actress for the first seven months.
And, you know, I didn't fart and I love salad.
[laughter]
And I chew with my mouth closed and I'm not crazy.
It was a full-time job. I was like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
-Like a full-time actress. -[laughter]
Oh, and I'll never forget the first time
I farted in front of him because...
it was the worst moment of my life.
And what was so frustrating about that situation
was that it wasn't my fucking fault.
-[laughter] -We had been dating for, like,
eight months and, you know, you get into that soft spot
where, like, you start to fall in love
and get comfortable. Well, clearly I was the one
-starting to get comfortable... -[laughter]
and we're in my bedroom completely alone watching TV
and I didn't have a dog at the time,
which, now I think back on the situation,
I was like, "Bitch, what are you doing? Get a fucking dog."
Because to this day if I'm farting,
you know I'm blaming it on my dog.
Like, I'll be in a cab and it starts to smell
and the driver looks back. He's like, "Ooh, smelly."
I'm like, "Oh, it's my dog. He's dying.
-[laughter] -So sad.
He's so sick. Thank you for understanding."
[laughter]
But I didn't have a dog back then.
So we were completely alone watching TV.
And you guys know the feeling when you're watching something
really good on TV. You almost become transfixed
for a minute. You get, like, tunnel vision
and you forget about anything else around you.
So, it's like you and Andy Cohen.
You and NeNe Leakes. You and Vicki Gunvalson.
You and Ramona singer. You and Luann de Lesseps.
You get it? So, we're watching TV
and for a brief-- a very brief moment,
-I forgot where I was. -[laughter]
And I forgot who I was.
And I forgot who I was pretending to be.
-Catherine Zeta-Jones! -[laughter]
And I let out-- just, like, so fast.
Like, so fast. Just, like, so sweet honestly.
It was very subtle and super cute.
It was just like, toot.
[laughter]
So quiet. He could've very easily ignored it.
No, he was very direct. "Did you just fart?"
[laughter]
And I'm like, "Hm...[chuckles]
[laughter]
did I just fart? It's an interesting question."
It was the worst thing he could've asked me.
Like, we were completely alone. He knew it wasn't him
who farted, it was obviously me.
[laughter]
So, did I want to be the girl who farted,
but then the girl who farted and also lied about it?
I literally have no idea what's worse.
I was stuck between a rock and a fart place.
[laughter]
So, he says to me, "Did you just fart?"
And I'm like Kevin McCallister.
[laughter]
And I'm, like, bright as a tomato...
and I'm like...
-"Yeah." -[laughter]
Don't fucking do it, girls. It ruins relationships.
Close your ass cheeks to marry men, okay?!
Unless you're married to Cuba Gooding Jr.
I think that's something he might be into.
Thank you, everyone, for coming!
I hope you had a good time tonight.
["Toast" playing]
♪ A thousand hands up to the sky ♪
♪ We gonna get toasted tonight ♪
♪ Can't let it fade
♪ We got a sparkle in our eyes ♪
♪ Can't let it wait
♪ I'm counting down until we start ♪
♪ We're renegades
♪ We come to play
♪ Yeah, we play hard
[vocalizing]
♪ Hunnet down we gonna have a good time ♪
♪ A thousand hands up to the sky ♪
♪ We gonna get toasted tonight ♪
♪ I've been feeling it all day ♪
♪ I wanna let it go
♪ I wanna lose control
♪ Oh, I'm ready to roll
♪ And I've been daydreaming about this night ♪
♪ For a long time
♪ I wanna dance with you under moonlight ♪
♪ A toast to the wild ones
[epic music]