(soft autoharp music)
Downloaded from YTS.MX
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- I always do this when I get nervous.
I put too much makeup on and then I look crazy.
I was gonna do the show but now,
I think I might just walk center stage and hang myself.
Oh my god.
Me rifling through a disgusting bag
trying to find a half-eaten Zyrtec
so that when I start crying,
I know it's from the motions and not pollen.
Yes, I'm an autodidact,
which I thought meant that your blood didn't clot
and I found out yesterday it means you're self-taught.
(bright autoharp music)
When selecting gemstones,
I always choose something that goes with my skin tone
and in both the winter and the summer.
Oh, great, they fell off.
("Soldier")
♪ Weirdness follows me wherever I go ♪
♪ Weirdness seems to know me
♪ Even better than I seem to know myself ♪
♪ I'm someone else
- Yell out the last word of every joke.
- Okay.
- Because that makes it more funny.
♪ I'm covered in scabs
- If you're nervous, you can't show them any fear.
They can't know that you're afraid.
As an audience member-- - Why do you think
I wear this much makeup, Margaret?
♪ I'm covered in scabs
- Yeah, try to keep your asshole really tight,
like shut really tight, like if you had a tail,
you would put it over the top of it.
- Oh, I have it down.
♪ Oh soldier, take your time
- Please welcome to the stage the complex multi talents
of the inimitable, the incomparable skinny legend herself,
Ms Trixie Mattel!
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
♪ No one said the words all had to rhyme ♪
♪ And if they do, it's fine
♪ And even if they don't
♪ No one needs to know
♪ Whoa, whoa, soldier, you gotta let things go ♪
(audience cheering)
(Trixie screams)
(audience cheering)
(Trixie screams)
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(Trixie screams)
(audience screams)
(Trixie screams melodically)
(audience screams melodically)
(Trixie screams melodically)
(audience screams melodically)
And a ooh.
- [Audience] And a ooh.
(Trixie cackling)
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Thank you all tonight for coming
to the Ricardo Montalban Theater.
Now many of you know my assistant Ryan, clap for Ryan.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Now, we've got him a way to make the ending a big finish.
Are you ready?
(audience cheering)
Are you ready?
(audience cheering)
Ryan, hit it.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Okay.
Oh, we might need this tomorrow, okay.
(audience laughing)
And that was my show, have such a great night, bye!
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
(Trixie laughing) Okay.
(audience laughing)
I'm so happy to see so many of you.
I love you, I love you, I trust you.
Trust fall, okay.
(audience laughing)
That would be a pretty strong way
to start the show though, wouldn't it?
(audience laughing)
I might do it, bitch.
Could you tell I'm kind of an insecure performer?
Most people call that a stage dive.
I'm like, "It's a trust fall."
(audience laughing)
(Trixie sighs)
By the way, we're taping this.
(audience cheering)
Like, Trixie, tonight you're taped.
I'm like, "Mama, I'm taped every night."
(audience laughing)
Have you ever used Goo Gone on your piss slit?
(audience laughing) (audience groaning)
I'm really pumped to be here tonight, you guys.
I've performed here many a time
and I got so excited getting ready tonight.
My first special, I felt like one of those deaf people
turning on a Cochlear implant, I was like (screams).
(audience laughing)
Hmm.
Oh, come on, they're not gonna hear about it.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
Ooh.
(audience laughing)
(Trixie sighs)
I just wanna address the elephant in the room tonight.
I know a lot of you guys came here tonight
thinking you were gonna be going to a drag show, you know?
You said to your friends, "Stephanie, Roberta,"
I don't know.
(audience laughing)
You said, "Let's go to a drag show.
"It's gonna be a man dressed as a woman."
And then instead you guys got here, and. (sighs)
(audience laughing)
Ah, it's a woman, no, it's a woman. (imitates crying)
Like, all the way from the balcony,
you guys were like, "Wow, Dakota Fanning.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
And then from the middle of the back of the floor seats,
you guys were like, "Wow, Hayden Panettiere."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
And then up front, you guys up close,
you're like, "Janice from The Muppets, holy fucking shit."
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
Thank you, I've been traveling so much,
I haven't gotten to perform in L.A. super recently
but I was just in Australia.
I never get the picture with the koala
'cause I've heard that drag queens go there
and they all have the koala, whatever,
and I ask the gay guys there, I'm like,
"Is it really worth it, is it really cool, the koalas?"
And they go, "Yeah."
(audience laughing)
"But they've all got chlamydia."
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
"And good luck holding one, they sleep 16 hours a day."
(audience laughing)
Listen, if sleeping all day
and having chlamydia makes you a koala,
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
why don't you put this pussy on the endangered species list?
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
But I perform for all different types of audiences.
This is a drag fan audience but my favorite type of audience
is bear audiences, are bears here tonight? (Trixie cheers)
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
(sighs) Thank you, the straight girls are like,
"I know what bears are, I've seen 'Drag Race'."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Fierce.
(audience laughing)
No, I just recently did a whole bear event
and it was a theater just like this
but imagine the biggest toughest gay guys you've ever seen
rolling into the theater.
It was very, like, masc for sleep mask, you know.
(audience laughing)
But that was a joke about sleep apnea
(audience laughing)
which is a phenomenon where your body is so big
that your lungs are like, (imitates whooshing)
"Lights out, big boy."
(audience laughing)
I mean, imagine being body-shamed by your own lungs.
(audience laughing)
I love sleeping with big chubby guys though
'cause they all have those sleep masks
they sleep with at night.
They all kinda remind me of gay Bane from Batman.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Babe,"
(imitates CPAP machine whooshing)
"Yes mama boots the house down for the gods?"
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
So there's a lot of new material tonight.
The big thing is, you guys, coming out here,
I was just afraid I would bomb, you know?
- [Audience Member] You would never!
- But then I thought in these short little shoes
with this big blonde hair, if I really did bomb,
you guys would just be like, "Wow,
"Lady Bunny was really off her game."
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
Don't worry, I got it.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
One time I was trying to get this guitar on in drag
and someone yelled, "Someone help her!"
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(guitar strumming)
Which, you know, as a live performer,
not really what I'm hoping to hear from the audience.
(audience laughing)
"Someone help her!"
(audience laughing)
But honestly I figured tonight,
you guys, if I really did bomb,
I would just change my drag name to ISIS.
(audience cheering) (gentle guitar music)
Oh, are you offended on behalf of ISIS?
(audience laughing)
(gentle guitar music)
How many of you have never seen me before?
(audience cheering)
And how many of you have seen me before? (Trixie cheers)
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
It's nice.
Normally I don't have a huge repeat audience
(audience laughing softly)
and some of you are about to find out why.
(audience laughing)
♪ This show could get quite offensive ♪
♪ This show could get kinda rude ♪
♪ You'll think to yourself, I could be anywhere else ♪
♪ At the movies or eating a food ♪
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
♪ Audiences get quite defensive ♪
♪ When the jokes become kinda crude ♪
♪ You'll turn to your friends
♪ You'll say, "When does this end ♪
♪ "I hate it, who is she"
♪ And "Boo"
(audience laughing softly)
♪ But capitalism is just tapping to the rhythm ♪
♪ Of the sound of your pocket full of change ♪
I mean, I rhymed tapping with capital, to the rhythm,
I mean, that's amazing.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
And if that doesn't impress you, I wanna tell you one thing.
♪ I've already got your money
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
♪ I've already got your money
♪ Even all the bees know the price of honey ♪
♪ And I'm just the comb
♪ And if you don't like it, you can go home ♪
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
♪ These days, everyone's so sensitive ♪
♪ I'm never sure just what to say ♪
♪ No jokes about blacks in my one-woman act ♪
♪ About the Mormon, the Jewish, or gay ♪
(audience laughing)
I can make a gay joke, I have a gay friend.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
Honestly, if you are offended,
♪ How many fucks am I meant to give ♪
♪ When you're already here anyway ♪
♪ I'll say what I want to these motherfuckers in the front ♪
Hello.
(audience cheering)
That's a pretty nice seat over there,
sir, in the floral shirt, wow, rich.
(audience laughing)
Those are nice seats, I would hate to offend you
sitting right up front like this.
♪ But what's it matter
♪ He's already paid
(audience laughing)
♪ And capitalism is just tapping to the rhythm ♪
♪ Of the sound of your pocket full of change ♪
♪ I've already got your money
What if it was, like, really Blink-182?
♪ Already got your money
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
♪ My job here's to be funny
♪ And occasionally say
(Trixie clears throat)
Oh, honey.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
I might only say that once tonight, okay?
- No. - No.
- And if that's not enough for you,
♪ I've already got your money
Sing it, Trixie Mattel has--
♪ Already got our money
- This sounds so good.
♪ I've already got RuPaul's money ♪
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
♪ If you don't like it, you can go home. ♪
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
I love that.
(soft guitar music)
Honestly, my job as a comedian is try to relate
to as many of you as possible, but honestly,
because the last couple of years
and my mediocre rise to fame and fortune,
(audience laughing)
it's hard for me to find common ground
with some of you, you know?
Honestly at this point, the show is just about me
and the front few rows of rich people.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Them, balcony, mama, I don't know them.
(audience laughing)
The fucking cast of Les Mis up there, no.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
They all have little crappy haircuts
and they're covered in ashes, hi.
(audience laughing)
And if you guys up there,
if you could see the front few rows of rich people,
they all have fur, they're like, (chortles).
(audience laughing)
So this song, yeah, this song,
this is for you front rows of rich people.
(audience cheering)
♪ Hey, rich people
♪ Beautiful rich people
♪ Don't you hate it when you double park your boat ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Whoa
(audience laughing)
♪ Hey, rich people
♪ Just you guys, rich people
♪ Don't you hate it when you spill the blood of the poor ♪
♪ On your fur coat
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
♪ You got more money, you've got more problems ♪
♪ Can't use a $100 bill as a condom ♪
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
(Trixie moans)
(audience laughing)
(Trixie gasps)
(audience laughing)
Honestly, it's just about us.
♪ Hey, rich people
♪ Just you guys, rich people
♪ Don't you hate it when your ring turns your finger green ♪
I'm just kidding, that doesn't happen to us. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Rich.
(gentle guitar music) (audience laughing)
♪ Hey, rich people
♪ Not you guys, rich people
♪ Don't you hate it when the hooker turns out to be 17 ♪
(audience laughing) (audience groaning)
It's like, I'm pretty sure I paid for 16.
(audience laughing) (audience groaning)
If you're not laughing, you're looking a little guilty.
(audience cheering) (audience laughing)
Some intergenerational gay couple is like,
"We should leave."
(audience cheering)
♪ You got more money and things go wrong ♪
♪ The only way to relate is through a song ♪
(audience laughing)
(Trixie sniffs)
(Trixie moans)
(audience laughing)
♪ Hey, rich people
♪ I know you feel me, rich people ♪
♪ Don't you hate it
When it's New Year's Eve in West Hollywood
and you're with Betsey Johnson and Johnny Weir
and Pamela Anderson,
and all of a sudden Pamela goes, "We should go to Vegas,"
and you go, "Pamela, we haven't even packed."
And she pulls out her Visa card and goes, "We're packed."
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
And three days later, you wake up in a taxi
outside of the Bellagio Hotel wearing nothing but flip flops
(audience laughing)
and that 17-year-old hooker died.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
♪ And you have to change your name ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ To Trixie Mattel
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
♪ You got more money and things get harder ♪
♪ Just ask a celebrity like me
(audience laughing)
♪ Or Jennifer Garner
(audience laughing)
♪ Whoa
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa
♪ Rich people
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa
(audience laughing)
(Trixie moans)
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
Great.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
Some of you guys, I know you,
I recognize your face from the meet and greet. (cheers)
(audience cheering)
Meet and greets are fun, for you.
(audience laughing)
No, for me it's like that scene in "Precious"
where her dad's fucking her.
I just sorta leave my body.
(audience laughing) (audience groaning)
Did you need me to sing the song again, or
(audience laughing)
we're good?
The thing about meet and greets, you guys,
is meet and greets, we're big tall scary drag queens
so meet and greets, people get up to us
and they get very emotional very quickly.
People get up to me and they just panic.
They're just, "Ah, Trixie, I was abused."
(audience laughing)
And I'm always like, "Just now?
(audience laughing)
"What did he look like?
(audience laughing)
"Is he still here?"
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
(Trixie moans)
"Trixie, I was diagnosed with cancer
"and you really helped me."
(Trixie sucks air through teeth)
I heard chemo helps more.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) Might wanna step it up.
(audience laughing)
Oh, come on, laughter is the best medicine.
(audience laughing)
Unless you have cancer.
(audience laughing)
"Trixie, I want you to know that I was sexually molested too
"and my molester used to smoke Parliaments
"and to this day, when I smell cigarette smoke,
"my pussy tightens up."
(audience laughing softly)
And I'm just like,
(audience laughing)
"You want me to sign your trucker hat, or?"
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(Trixie sighs)
I don't know if I can help you.
(audience laughing)
(Trixie sighs)
People say all kinds of crazy shit to us at meet and greets.
I was at a meet and greet with Bob the Drag Queen.
(audience cheering)
(sighs) Yeah, we get it, he's not like you.
(audience laughing)
(sighs) What, did you guys forget
to invite your black friends tonight, or?
(audience laughing)
By the way, I know exactly what's happening.
It's always some white girl with her black friend
giving full show choir, "Black friend!"
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
But I was a meet and greet with Bob
and this girl gets up to us and Bob goes,
"Can you turn the flash on because I'm very black?"
(audience laughing)
That's not the joke, ma'am, wow.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Wow.
(audience laughing)
Okay, this section's on time out.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Sorry.
You guys are the new middle.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
And Bob goes, "Can you turn the flash on
"because I'm very black?"
And the girl goes, "Stop it, Bob, you're beautiful."
(audience laughing)
- [Audience Member] What?
- I was like, "First of all, you're racist."
(audience laughing) - Yeah.
- Second of all, you are lying to her. (laughs)
(audience laughing)
I was doing Grindr's Christmas party,
I know, very A-list,
(audience cheering)
and they were like, "Okay, we want Trixie to wear all red
"and we're gonna have employees sit on her lap."
(audience laughing softly)
I was like, "What if I wore all white
"and nobody touches me?"
(audience laughing)
And they're like, "Okay." (laughs)
"Merry Christmas."
(audience laughing)
And it's not getting easier as I get older.
You guys, I'm getting older, my body's changing.
(audience laughing)
I'm shifting back into a bag of leaves.
(audience laughing)
By the way, you guys are really good fans.
I say some crazy shit like I'm turning into leaves,
and you guys are like, "Yeah, girl, we're all leaves.
"What the fuck is she talking about?"
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
And I always wanted to be one of those people
where I'm getting older and people go, "You are aging well."
(audience laughing softly)
Instead they go, "You are aging.
(audience laughing)
"Well."
Like, look at me from season seven of "Drag Race"
to "All Star", it's like, Tom Riddle, Voldemort.
(audience laughing)
- [Audience Member] Yas.
- (sputters) He said, "Voldemort, yas!" (laughs)
(audience laughing)
Get this the hell out of here.
Can you just, I can't walk here, can you just grab that?
(Trixie panting)
We all float, Georgie.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
I'm getting older, you guys, and out of drag,
I have a very distinct look.
Some would say I look like Patrick Stewart as a gay farmer.
(audience laughing)
Some say I look like an ASL interpreter
who moonlights as a Klan member.
(audience laughing)
- [Audience Member] Yas!
(audience laughing)
- I think I look like Caillou with fetal alcohol syndrome.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
But I started losing my hair very young
so I thought, "Okay, if I shave my head,
"I will look the same forever," so I shaved my head.
I thought I would look like Vin Diesel.
Instead, I'm just Bobby Hill.
(audience laughing)
And nobody tells you this, anybody have a shaved head?
It's a lot of fucking work, isn't it?
I just do chemo now, it's just,
(audience laughing)
it's just easier.
(audience laughing)
♪ Already got your money
(audience laughing)
"Men's Health" magazine also says if you can't smell toast,
it means you're gonna have a stroke within three months
so every day I wake up, I burn the shit out of some bread,
and just (sniffs deeply).
(audience laughing)
We're good.
(audience laughing)
I would like to stay alive because, I mean,
dying affects you the least.
Dying affects the people around you.
When you die, you don't care, you're peace out, A town.
(imitates trumpet tooting)
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
But when you die, it affects the other people around you.
I remember my ex-boyfriend's mom passed away of lung cancer
and I found out because the Netflix I'd been stealing
for three years expired.
(audience laughing)
(sighs) Thank you.
(audience laughing softly)
I was like, really, "Tammy, you couldn't have held on
"'til I found out if they made him a murderer or not?"
(audience laughing)
29 years old, ladies, my erection, huh.
(audience laughing)
I know I have so many fans that are teen girls
and I always wonder how they relate to me.
They're like, "My fucking erection too, Trixie.
(audience laughing)
"Aha, relatable goals AF, mom."
(audience laughing)
I mean, 29 years old, my erection, my boyfriend,
his dick is hard before, during, and even way after sex.
His dick is still porn star erect the entire event.
His dick is like if you're having a house party
and everybody went home but there's that one girl.
(audience laughing)
She's sitting at the end of your bed drinking a PBR
going, "I think I'm gonna get bangs."
(audience laughing)
She's doing that drunk white girl thing
where she pulls her ponytail up to the front, bangs.
(audience laughing)
29 years old, for me to get my erection I had
when I was, like, 20, I need three friends and four candles,
light as a feather, stiff as a board,
light as a feather, stiff as a board.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
I know.
That was a pretty well crafted joke.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
And sexually, you guys, I am changing gears.
I'm like, "Is there a way we can do this
"where we're both on our backs?
(audience laughing)
"Put our dicks on a couple Roombas
"and hope they find each other somewhere in the room?"
(audience laughing)
And I know that sexually I'm only losing appeal.
The other day my boyfriend woke up and was like,
"Oh, baby, your hole felt so tight last night."
I was like, "I gave you a blowjob."
(audience cheering) (audience laughing)
I mean, at 29, I'm only swallowing
because if I get up to spit, my knees pop.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
I'm like (gulps).
(Trixie imitates knees cracking)
(audience laughing)
He's like, "Babe, are you okay?"
I'm like, "I'm just shuffling a deck of cards,
"go back to sleep."
(audience laughing)
(sighs) And the thing about drag is it only ages you faster.
I was outside the theater today in full face
and someone was like, "Are you just dressed up for fun?"
(audience laughing)
I was like, "That's not a thing."
(audience laughing)
I do a lot of family events
and it's always rich white people and their kids,
"Trixie, can we have a picture with our kids,
"Eden, Aiden, and Eiden?"
(audience laughing)
No.
(audience laughing)
I was doing a family event, you guys,
and they had aerial artists who hang from the ceiling,
you know, on those ropes, that whole fucking show
I wanted to wrap that rope around my neck.
It's all for you, Davien! (imitates booming)
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
(Trixie sighs)
Of course I take a picture with the kid.
I'm like, (laughs) "Stay in school, kid.
"I got my BFA and look at me now."
(audience laughing)
Some day, Simba,
(audience laughing)
everything the land touches will be yours.
But I'm kind of a public figure, you know,
I get roped into the kid thing.
People are like, "Trixie, are you pro-life?
"Are you pro-choice?"
I'm like, "Listen, I'm gay."
(audience laughing)
We douche.
(audience laughing)
We don't even carry a bowel movement to full term.
(Trixie laughing) (audience laughing)
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
The straight girls are like, "Douching's fierce."
(audience laughing)
Anybody here with a kid tonight?
(audience member laughing)
You're like, "I'm not answering now."
(audience laughing)
'Cause they're so, I mean, parents,
anybody parents, are you parents, parents.
(audience cheering)
Okay, I mean, this is really incredible
'cause kids start out fucking stupid.
(audience laughing)
You have to teach them everything.
My friend volunteers as Santa for homeless kids
in New York, right, it's so sweet.
Guess what the number one thing is
homeless kids ask for for Christmas.
I'll give you a hint, not a home.
(audience laughing)
An iPhone.
It's like, where are you gonna charge it, Billy?
(audience laughing)
Think it through, do it right.
(audience laughing)
(Trixie sighs)
(Trixie snickers)
(audience laughing)
What they don't tell you about having kids,
I mean, if you're gay and you want kids,
takes a lot of fucking work, doesn't it?
(audience member snaps fingers)
Thank you, two snaps, it does.
(audience laughing)
And I snap instead of clapping so you know how lazy I am.
(audience laughing) (Trixie laughing)
Having kids is a lot of work.
You want a baby, you want a Maserati,
you better work, bitch.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Like, let's say you wanna do a surrogate.
You have to plan ahead, save money, kidnap a teenage girl.
(audience laughing)
Or let's say you wanna adopt.
You have to live in a nice neighborhood,
pass a background check, kidnap a teenage girl.
(audience laughing)
And babies can be super fucking expensive
if you want, you know, a good one, so.
(audience laughing)
I was not gonna say white one, oh my god.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) You guys are awful.
Besides, little brown babies, A, cuter,
(audience cheering)
B, you don't have to save for college, win win.
(audience laughing)
Because of unique scholarship opportunities,
you know what, you guys, wow.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
Was anybody here spanked as a kid, okay, see?
(audience cheering)
Look, when people are spanked as a kid,
they're so weirdly proud of it.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Who has been spanked?"
You're like, "Yes I was, once a week,
"whether I needed it or not."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
If I missed curfew, your grandfather would snap me
in the eye with a rubber band.
(audience laughing)
One year for Christmas,
my mom got me an envelope of anthrax.
Merry fucking Christmas.
(audience laughing)
Of the people who've been spanked,
would you spank your kids?
- [Audience] No.
- 'Cause sometimes they're really asking for it.
The kids are like, "Oh, spank me," you know?
(audience laughing)
Listen, I was a hot kid.
(audience laughing)
Total chilf.
(audience laughing) (audience groaning)
Can we talk about how Venus Q is chilf?
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
She's backstage like, "Chilf, okay, got it."
Anyway, that was pretty bad.
(audience laughing softly)
(gentle guitar music)
But anyway, you guy, that was it, that's a song, bye.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
But if you guys know me,
you know I'm from the deep, deep country
and I grew up with siblings,
I'm not a parent but I have siblings that are so much,
anybody have very young siblings?
Okay, when you're an older sibling
you get to be parental without like, (groans)
the whole thing, right?
And my sister, you know, we're from a very small town.
I remember telling her, "Listen, you're a young woman.
"If you want something in this world,
"you gotta get out of this small town and go get it."
Hopefully she doesn't wanna wear wigs on TV
'cause that's kinda my thing.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
But I wrote this song specifically for her
and it's called "Little Sister".
(audience cheering)
(bright guitar music)
♪ Little boy's supposed to do what he's told ♪
♪ Little girl's supposed to polish her toes ♪
♪ Maybe they're together when they're older ♪
♪ And all grown out
♪ Daddy's supposed to put bread on the table ♪
♪ Daddy's gone and your mama ain't able ♪
♪ Are you hungry when the money's all run out ♪
♪ Tell me little dear, if you only lived here ♪
♪ Did you really ever live at all ♪
♪ 'Cause you'd be amazed in the summer ♪
♪ How the days of the spring turn into fall ♪
♪ Just listen to your brother
♪ You can run in the cover of the night sky when it falls ♪
♪ I know that you think that you're growing ♪
♪ But you're just tall
(audience cheering)
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh
Oh, I gotta tell you this.
(audience laughing)
Sorry.
Moms, I gotta tell you this.
I wrote that song for my sister, right,
and I played it for her, and I was like,
"I wrote this song for you, right, I want you to hear it."
I played it for her
and that fucking bitch could not have reacted less.
(audience laughing)
She's 18 years old on her phone like, "Whatever, fag."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
No response.
So then the song comes out last year.
The album comes out, the album went to number one,
and sudden, thank you.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
And suddenly one of my friends is like,
"Oh my god, are you the sister
that 'Little Sister' is about?"
And she goes, (sighs)
(audience laughing)
"I am.
(audience laughing)
"And when I first heard that song, I sobbed."
(audience laughing softly)
So parents, kids are also fucking liars.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
(bright guitar music)
♪ Tell me little dear, if you only lived here ♪
♪ Did you really ever live at all ♪
♪ 'Cause you'd be amazed in the summer ♪
♪ How the days of the spring turn into fall ♪
♪ Just listen to your brother
♪ You can run in the cover of the night sky when it falls ♪
♪ I know that you think that you're growing ♪
♪ But you're just tall
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
(crowd chattering)
No homophobic fighting, thank god, thank god.
♪ I don't care if you don't like my hair ♪
♪ Because I know it's amazing
- [Trixie] Do I have enough makeup on my chest?
(crowd chattering)
Is there time to pull out?
♪ Amazing
♪ And I don't give two hoots if you don't like my boots ♪
♪ Because I know they're amazing ♪
♪ And I don't give a shit if you don't like my tits ♪
♪ Because I know they're amazing ♪
♪ Ah, amazing, ah, ah
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
- Get back in your seat, we can all see you.
You guys, second half. (cheers)
(audience cheering)
That was really fun, this is a cool weekend to do this
'cause everybody, how many of you are not from L.A.?
(audience cheering)
That's what I'm saying, you're all like, "Fuck this place!"
(audience laughing)
'Cause listen, I'm a country gay too, okay?
I'm from Wisconsin, anybody ever been to Wisconsin?
(audience cheering)
You have?
If you guys, if you've never been to Wisconsin,
take a weekend, go for a drive.
We have the most beautiful serial killers you've ever seen.
(audience laughing)
Do you know what Jeffrey Dahmer looks like?
(audience cheering)
Oh, wavy blonde hair, if you guys don't know,
Jeffrey Dahmer was a serial killer.
Used to take guys home from the club,
give them date rape drugs,
and then have sex with their bodies.
Different strokes, right?
(audience laughing softly)
(sighs) But you guys, he was so gorgeous.
He could've given me a baby aspirin,
I would've been like, "I feel funny." (moans)
(audience laughing softly)
(sighs) But if you guys know your Jeffrey Dahmer history,
you know that he was only interested in young men of color,
so, Trixie Mattel, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
(audience laughing)
You guys, when I lived in the country, I was a gay kid.
I was gay from gay one.
(audience laughing)
I remember the day I was born, the doctor was like, "Push."
I was like,
♪ Push it real good
(Trixie vocalizing)
(audience laughing)
(Trixie sighs)
You guys, I had one of those, how many of you young guys,
did you have one of those gay voices
where people would call and they would think
that you're your mama?
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
He's like, "It happened the other day, yeah."
(audience laughing) - Yas.
- I had it even worse than that.
People would call and be like,
"Excuse me, young parakeet, is your owner home?"
(audience laughing)
I'd be like, (sighs).
(Trixie chirping)
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
But I'll never forget, you guys,
coming out when you live in the country is very scary,
right, because your parents can hate you.
So I remember, I was sitting across from my mom
and I was like, (mumbles)
'cause that's how you say it. (audience laughing)
She could not have taken the wind out of my sails faster.
I was like, "Ma," she was like, (scoffs) "Girl."
(audience laughing)
I was like (whimpers).
I was wearing exactly this. (whimpers)
(audience laughing)
I mean, I was young in the country and gay.
I was always wondering why people are gay, and experts,
hard candy, no, go ahead, bitch.
Go, you better eat that hard candy right now.
(Trixie cackles) (audience laughing)
What is it?
Peanut M&Ms? (cackles)
You better give me one.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Oh, gen, literally one, okay, no.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna save it and if I do a good job in the show,
I'll have it later. (laughs)
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Literally silence, he said, (imitates plastic crackling).
(Trixie laughing) (audience laughing)
It's 'cause people are used to seeing drag queens on TV,
they're like, "They can't hear us."
Bitch, I hear you.
(audience laughing)
And even when I'm on TV, I hear you.
(audience laughing)
As I was saying-guh,
(audience laughing)
experts hypothesize that you were gay
because you were over-sexualized as a child
but I'm not gay 'cause my dad touched me. (scoffs)
I'm gay because I loved it, right?
(audience laughing)
I'm kidding, I did not have a dad. (cackles)
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
No, no. (laughs)
I know it's hard to imagine
I didn't have a male presence in my life.
(audience laughing)
Experts also hypothesize that you were gay
because it's genetic but I don't believe that either
'cause I could never get my brother to nut so I don't know.
(audience laughing)
I mean, now, people are so lucky now.
Young gay guys have Coming Out Day,
a whole day devoted to coming, back in my day,
Coming Out Day was the day your mom discovered the history
on your internet browser.
(audience laughing)
But listen, if I wasn't gonna do drag anymore,
I think I would love to be,
I think I could be like the next "Queer Eye" guy.
Do you guys (beep) with "Queer Eye"?
(audience cheering)
(Trixie screams)
It is so good that I think I could be there to ground them
because they get a little far-fetched sometimes, you know?
(audience laughing)
They go to someone's house and they're like, "Listen.
"I know your family's falling apart
"because your parents died, so we had their bodies exhumed.
(audience laughing)
"Move that bus, move that bus!
(audience laughing softly)
"Listen, Dave, father of two,
"I know you said you wear a lot of hooded sweatshirts
"because you're kinda hiding,
"not really making a fashion statement,
"so we thought we'd update your wardrobe a little bit.
"This is a Bob Mackie backlist beaded,
"why don't you slip that on?"
(audience laughing)
I just think they're insensitive sometimes.
It's like, "Listen, I know your family's falling apart
"because your parents burned to death in a house fire
"and at night you can hear them screaming from the burning,
(Trixie sniffles) (audience laughing softly)
"so we're gonna burn your mouth
"with some jalapeno margaritas.
(audience laughing) (audience cheering)
"Can you believe?
(audience laughing)
"Who gave us permission?"
(audience laughing)
I'll probably stay on TV, I mean, when I first moved here,
I had to get so much work done on my teeth.
(audience laughing)
It's not the joke, thank you.
(audience laughing)
And I moved here, and I mean,
I have to sit on TV next to Katya who's teeth are perfect.
Like, she hits a meth pipe three years, perfect teeth.
(audience laughing)
I carry a Jolly Rancher in my pocket.
I'm like, "Was that one of mine, oh my god."
(audience laughing)
And I started paying attention to my teeth
because I saw this commercial called "The Tissue Test."
Have you guys seen this commercial?
It's two white ladies at lunch not eating lunch.
(audience laughing)
And one of them goes,
"I'm insecure about the color of my teeth."
And the other one goes, "Just try the tissue test.
"You take a white tissue and hold,"
don't ever do the tissue test.
(audience laughing)
I had to do the Burger King napkin test.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
So I go to my dentist,
and my dentist here, her name is Doctor Sun.
She's an elderly Asian woman.
She's also Bill Murray's dentist,
so I'm kinda like the Bill Murray of drag.
(audience laughing)
Doctor Sun takes one look in my mouth
and screams over her shoulder, (gasps)
"Cancel all my appointments for the afternoon."
(audience laughing)
The dental hygienist looked in my mouth and goes,
"So, were you, like, a pirate for a couple of years or?"
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Bitch, I'm from Wisconsin.
"Be happy the gang's all here."
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
People from Wisconsin, that's your gums slapping together,
yes! (audience laughing)
I'm like, "Just be happy they're holding hands."
(audience laughing)
And no matter how well you take care of your teeth,
you go to your dentist and they just body-shame you down.
"And what's your home care like?"
Not a hook and a drill, Janet.
(audience laughing)
But I became very aware of what I looked like
when I came to Los Angeles, you guys,
because everybody here, people are,
I mean, where I'm from in Wisconsin, if someone's hot,
we're like, "God, he's hot, he's like a model."
(audience laughing)
In L.A. people are not like models.
They are models who get checks in the mail
from modeling agencies because they are models who model.
(audience laughing)
And I'm a good-looking guy but me in that dating pool,
I might as well be like a bridge troll.
I'm like, "Would you fuck me?
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
"Would you fuck me?"
(audience laughing)
That was my Ed Sheeran, pretty good, right?
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
And here, you guys, people are almost competitively fit.
People are like, "I can't, I'm on a cleanse."
Oh, you're on a cleanse?
Well, I'm on a cleanse cleanse.
I can have everything except cleanses.
(audience laughing)
Oh, really, for dinner I had a nap.
(audience laughing)
(Trixie sighs)
And I don't know if you guys
have ever gained weight quickly before,
but you are the last person to find out about it.
(audience laughing)
The last one.
- [Audience Member] Relatable.
- What?
- [Audience Member] Relatable!
- Okay. (sputters)
(audience laughing)
She's like, "Finally, one I get, thank you.
(audience laughing)
"Show's called "Skinny Legend, I've been bored."
(audience laughing)
But you guys, when you gain weight quickly,
you're the last one to realize.
I mean, you lie to yourself, you lie to your friends.
My friend are like, "Trixie, are those stretch marks?"
I was like, (laughs) "No, I'm a cutter." (laughs)
(audience laughing)
No, like.
(audience applauding)
No, hmm.
'Cause you don't realize.
I remember I was at my boyfriend's house
and I found a little pair of underwear.
I was like, "Whose are these, whore?"
He was like, "Those used to be yours."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Oh."
(audience laughing)
"Well, let me just put 'em on, then.
(audience laughing)
(Trixie imitates seams popping)
"I'll just wear 'em home like this."
(audience laughing)
There's a whole rating system here.
My roommate's from New York and he's like,
"Honey, a 10 in New York is only a five here."
I was like, "What if I'm a four from the woods?
(audience laughing)
"What, do we get a scarlet letter or?"
And it all came to culmination when I was in Germany.
Have you guys been to Germany?
(audience cheering) Okay, the clubs in Germany,
people have no fucking chill, okay?
I'm at the club and it was a party and I remember,
I was like, you know when you're abroad
and you just get a sense of YOLO?
You're like, "Abduct me," like, anything?
(audience laughing)
But I remember I was at a bar, a gay bar,
that had a dark room and I was drunk
and I was like, "I'm gonna do it,
"I'm gonna touch a dick, I'm gonna do it."
(audience laughing)
So I got up the courage to touch this guy's dick.
I reached out and got my hand slapped away in the dark.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Just something in my grip, his dick read my palm.
(audience laughing)
I was just like, he was like, (gasps) "Ugly."
(audience laughing)
Went to a proctologist department
because "Men's Health" magazine told me
that at 28 years old,
I should start getting an annual anal pap smear.
Do you like how I barely take care of myself
'til a men's magazine tells me
to get figure-banged by a doctor?
(audience laughing)
And suddenly I'm like, (moans)
"Your health is all you have." (moans)
(audience laughing)
So my boyfriend and I waited for three months
to have sex for the first time, right?
We had sex on a Friday.
My doctor's appointment is on a Monday.
Tracy, why is this significant?
Because.
(audience laughing)
I go in there on a Monday for my proctologist appointment
and I'm up on the thing and the doctor's in there,
you know, looking for his keys or
(audience laughing)
writing his name.
(audience laughing)
(sighs) It was a really long name.
(audience laughing)
Never long enough. (moans)
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
And we had sex for the first time on a Friday
and I'm in the doctor on a Monday
and the doctor goes, "So, what did you do this weekend?"
(audience laughing softly)
And I go, "Uh, actually a lot of what you're doing now."
(audience laughing)
And thank god he laughed, you guys.
I was like, "I did not know
"if you were gonna laugh at that."
(audience laughing)
And I'll never forget it, he goes,
"I'm a proctologist in West Hollywood.
(audience laughing)
"I've pulled people out of people."
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Ah.
(audience laughing)
Thank you guys, really, for staying with me all night.
This has been nice.
(audience cheering)
One of the great things about not dating anymore
is you get to be in this sort of,
this little bubble in your relationship.
I guess you could say you're in a yellow cloud.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
(gentle guitar music)
And I wrote this song specifically about that.
(audience cheering)
♪ I can see us in a small town
♪ Count the stars up in the sky ♪
♪ Never thought that they could fall down ♪
♪ Onto your suit or on your tie ♪
♪ Across the table at a French place ♪
♪ I lose my way into the wine
♪ With your glasses on your pretty face ♪
♪ You can go up, baby, we can float up ♪
♪ Say we'll never come back down ♪
♪ To the place in the yellow cloud ♪
♪ Yours forever, thumbtack down ♪
♪ Ooh
♪ And say you'll never come back down ♪
♪ To the place in the yellow cloud ♪
♪ Do do do, do do do, do do
♪ Do do do, do do do, do do do, do ♪
♪ Days are running at a slow pace ♪
♪ And all the glitter in between ♪
♪ And all the fallout from the won race ♪
(Trixie clears throat)
♪ I'm Miss American Teen
♪ And I can see the picket fences ♪
♪ And I can see you mow the lawn ♪
♪ I got no fear and no pretenses ♪
♪ We got nothing but our sunglasses on ♪
♪ Say we'll never come back down ♪
♪ To the place in the yellow cloud ♪
♪ Yours forever, thumbtack down ♪
♪ Ooh
♪ And say you'll never come back down ♪
♪ To the place in the yellow cloud ♪
♪ Do do do, do do do, do do
♪ Do do do, do do do, do do do, do do ♪
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Oh, wow.
(soft guitar music)
Well, thank you.
So before I go, there's one song
that definitely changed my life this year.
(audience cheering)
♪ Know you're sexy and keep slaying the game ♪
♪ Let the world remember your name ♪
♪ Feel your puss down deep in your soul ♪
♪ Let your body lose control
♪ Hey kitty girl, it's your world ♪
♪ When you walk the street stepping to the beat ♪
♪ Hey kitty girl, get your twirl ♪
♪ In the disco heat
♪ You're the boogie-body-rocking queen ♪
♪ Step aside, I'm back again
♪ So hyped, so lit, adrenaline
♪ I'm Shangela, say what
♪ Started on the bottom, now I'm all grown up ♪
- That was good, you guys were shitty.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
♪ I'm Shangela, say what
♪ Now I'm all grown up
♪ Gonna take this verse just to let you know ♪
♪ Don't listen to the haters, be a pro ♪
♪ 'Cause I worked my way, paid my dues ♪
♪ Now I got the whole world saying hall, ♪
♪ Hey kitty girl, it's your world ♪
♪ When you walk the street stepping to the beat ♪
♪ Hey kitty girl, get your twirl ♪
♪ In the disco heat you're the boogie-body-rocking queen ♪
Okay, up next is BeBe Zahara Benet's part.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
And it's too hard to do and sing at the same time.
Does anyone here know it by heart?
(audience cheering)
You in the overalls, you know it by heart?
You better get up here, you fucking bitch.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
(audience cheering)
- [Audience Member] Don't fuck it up.
(audience laughing)
- She's not going to.
You're not gonna fuck it up, are you?
You better come up here in this fucking see-through shirt,
you fucking bitch.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
She said, "I came ready."
(audience laughing)
You think you know this song?
- Yeah. - Okay, well,
just so you know-- - I think so.
- There's a lot of people here and they are filming it
so, you know, just make it good.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Don't embarrass me.
(Sarah laughs)
- What's your name? - Sarah.
- Sarah, put that microphone right here.
- Here? - Tell them,
"I'm Sarah." - I'm Sarah.
- "And I'm not gonna fuck it up."
- And I'm not gonna fuck it up.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
(gentle guitar music)
♪ In the disco heat you're the boogie-body-rocking queen ♪
♪ Mirror, mirror, on the wall
♪ I'm the fiercest of them all
♪ Face, face, face, body and all ♪
♪ Another day, another slay
♪ Meow, meow, savage beauty
♪ Stepping out on the mission
♪ Get fierce, stay ready
♪ The OG's back for another crown ♪
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
- Excuse me.
This is like "A Star is Born".
(audience cheering)
But I can't really do anything for your career.
(audience laughing)
A star is still born.
(audience laughing)
You were so good, do you wanna do the second half too?
- Yeah.
- Bitch, you--
(audience cheering) (Sarah laughing)
Can you get me that M&M? (laughs)
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Thank you.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
Mm. (gentle guitar music)
You didn't give her one, it's okay.
♪ Hey kitty girl
Right, so you're gonna do my part.
- Okay. - And I wrote it
and I'm standing right here.
- Okay, uh.
(audience cheering)
I got it.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
By the way, they're never this supportive for me,
so fuck them.
(audience laughing)
So we're gonna lead her in with kitty girl
and then you're gonna do my part, ready?
- Okay. - So we're gonna lead her in.
You relax while we sing to you.
♪ Hey kitty girl, it's your world ♪
♪ In the disco heat you're the boogie-body-rocking queen ♪
♪ Step up to the plate, I'm Trixie Mattel ♪
♪ Got my name in the game, better learn it well ♪
♪ 'cause I'm the MVP heading up to bat ♪
♪ And I'll go to third base but I'd never tell that ♪
♪ I got bleach in the blonde like Pamela ♪
♪ And I'm stepping out the box like Shangela ♪
♪ I got long thick legs, a tarantula ♪
♪ And if you call me kitty girl, I'ma handle ya, uh ♪
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
Get the fuck out of here immediately.
(gentle guitar music)
Well, Sarah's a fucking liar.
(audience laughing)
She's like, "I don't know if I know it."
♪ Ka ka da ka ka ka ka kow
(audience laughing)
(gentle guitar music)
Well, you guys, that's the end of the show.
- [Audience] Aw!
- We've only been here for two and a half hours, I know.
But honestly if anything tonight
wasn't funny to you, remember this.
♪ I've already got your money
I'm Trixie Mattel, bye.
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)
("Yellow Cloud")
♪ I can see us in a small town
♪ You count the stars up in the sky ♪
♪ I never thought that they could fall down ♪
♪ Onto your suit or on your tie ♪
♪ Across the table at a French place ♪
♪ I lose my way into the wine
♪ With your glasses on your pretty face ♪
♪ We can go up, baby, we can float up ♪
♪ Say we'll never come back down ♪
♪ Ah ♪ To the place
♪ In the yellow cloud
♪ Yours forever, thumbtack down ♪
♪ Ooh
♪ Say you'll never come back down ♪
♪ To the place in the yellow cloud ♪
♪ Do do do, do do do, do do do, do do ♪
(soft autoharp music)