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What do we ask of our heroes?
Why do we build them up...
just to watch them fall?
I tell you, these two sluggers
are having a hell of a year.
And it's gone! McGwire caught hold of that one.
Oh! Canseco one step closer
to being the first player to reach 40 home runs, 40 stolen bases.
We charted a course for the sun.
But we flew too close...
and it burned our wings.
Welcome back to Sports Chat. I'm standing here with two fellas
who are having a heck of a year, the Bash Brothers.
At this point, guys, I think everyone knows who you are,
but just in case, why don't you introduce yourselves?
Oh, okay. Well...
♪ They call me José ♪
And I'm Mark.
♪ José ♪
And I'm Mark.
♪ Go, José, go, Oiled up like Rambo ♪
♪ Take a needle out my butt And hop in the Lambo ♪
♪ The anabolics got me feeling bionic ♪
♪ 'Cause you know I'm indestructible ♪
-♪ I'm José ♪ -♪ I'm Mark ♪
- ♪You’re a stud ♪ -♪ And you’re a thoroughbred stallion ♪
♪ Neck's laced up With the Let’s Bash medallion ♪
♪ Rollin' to Hilltop Mall to get a pager ♪
♪ Got girls of every flavor Because we’re in the Majors ♪
♪ Freaks hit up my SkyTel I’ll come mess up your Maybelline ♪
♪ My beeper beeping more Than my dialysis machine ♪
♪ Kidney failure’s Just a part of the game ♪
♪ We’re not ashamed ♪
♪ Now the world knows My motherfucking name ♪
♪ They call me José ♪
And I'm Mark.
♪ José ♪
My name is Mark McGwire.
I play first base.
Uh... Next question, please.
♪ She said she wants to fuck me With my uniform on ♪
♪ She grabbed me by the bat Now it’s going, going, gone ♪
♪ I never finish sex 'Cause I’m so juiced out ♪
♪ But she nutted three times Then we bashed, then I bounced ♪
♪ I reside in Blackhawk In a big fucking house ♪
♪ My community is gated 'Cause I don’t strike out ♪
♪ Got room with a chair Got a room with a couch ♪
♪ Got a framed photograph Of the time I met Alf ♪
♪ You know, I’m not a hamburger But they call me Big Mac ♪
♪ Got the one ton jimmy And the itty-bitty sack ♪
♪ My balls shrinky dinky 'Cause the ‘roids so strong ♪
♪ But it makes the aforementioned Jimmy-jam look long ♪
♪ The name is Mark And no, I’m not Mork ♪
♪ And yes, I eat pork 'Cause it’s tasty on my fork ♪
♪ And no, I’m not a jork But I’ll jork it out the pork ♪
♪ 'Cause Noah shoulda had The Bash Brothers on his ork ♪
♪ We are the perfect pair ♪
♪ To start a a new society ♪
♪ Filled with home-run hitting ♪
♪ Gold-gloved Goliath-ies ♪
Here's what I found on the web
for, "What is the plural of Goliath?"
Goliaths.
♪ Oh ♪
♪ We’re Goliaths, baby-boy ♪
♪ Kirk Gibson’s a pariah, baby-boy ♪
♪ I work out with a tire, baby-boy ♪
♪ I wonder Who can lift it higher, baby-boy ♪
♪ Aah! ♪
♪ Lift that tire, bitch! ♪
♪ Put your back in it And lift it higher, bitch! ♪
♪ Stab that needle in my ass 'Till I am rich ♪
♪ Make me a god With the chemical sciences ♪
♪ Aah! ♪
♪ Baseball, baseball ♪
♪ He-Man hit the baseball By the power of Grayskull ♪
♪ Rip the skin off and eat the brains Out the baseball ♪
♪ Gonna run a motherfucking train On the baseball ♪
♪ Aah! ♪
♪ Don’t tell me to be fucking calm ♪
♪ Aah! ♪
♪ Whip out my dick on the jumbotron ♪
♪ Aah! ♪
♪ Rip out my bones 'Cause my muscles so strong ♪
♪ Now the pain's so bad That my motherfucking heart stopped ♪
Where do the animals go...
when the soil has run dry?
Where will we hide from the sun...
when all the trees are dead?
I see myself...
everywhere but here.
How about Tuesday at 3 p.m.?
Tuesday works for me.
Ugh! I can't wait for this project to be over.
Tell me about it. I need to close three accounts by Friday.
I've got a Bible of market research to get through.
I mean, what is this, War and Peace?
Sounds like you ladies could use a night off.
Excuse me?
I said, "Sounds like you ladies could use a night off."
Maybe you should let us help you relax.
No, thanks. We don't date ball players.
What, you think we're not sophisticated?
We don't think it. We know it.
Well, if you ask me, you shouldn't judge a book...
-By its cover. -By its cover.
...by its cover.
-There. -Okay.
Come with us.
We'll show you.
♪ Step into my crib Everything smells like Cool Water ♪
♪ And if you comin' to mine You know it’s Drakkar Noir ♪
♪ Now have a seat On this couch made of horse leather ♪
♪ I’m told the horse that it’s from Could run fast and far ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ That shit is sexy ♪
♪ Tell the maître d' at your booty To expect me ♪
♪ I’m solo, and I’m flexin' But don’t try to Soloflex me ♪
♪ NordicTrack all day ♪
♪ Squats in the living room Can I get a witness? ♪
♪ The greatest aphrodisiac Is physical fitness ♪
♪ So take off your Guess And let go of your stress ♪
♪ 'Cause the classiest shit Is what comes next ♪
♪ Silk robes and kimonos ♪
♪ Change outta your own clothes ♪
♪ These athletic days But, oh, those... ♪
♪ Oakland Nights ♪
♪ Silk robes and kimonos ♪
♪ It's our pleasure to no-no's ♪
♪ Pumps and pantsuits all day All work, no play ♪
♪ No way It's time for... ♪
♪ Oakland Nights ♪
♪ In the bedroom, champagne on ice ♪
♪ I make erotic shadow puppets In the candle light ♪
♪ Your hair’s crimped, all frizzy 'Cause you frivolous ♪
♪ I feel like Macho Man And you my Miss Elizabeth ♪
♪ Sizzlish, do some crunches And some scissor kicks ♪
♪ Body shaved slick Like an exquisite fish ♪
♪ And I love the way your high-cut thong Make your butt long ♪
♪ Now take 'em off ♪
♪ But you know what to leave on ♪
♪ Silk robes and kimonos ♪
♪ Peel off your pleated polos ♪
♪ These athletics days But, oh, those... ♪
♪ Oakland Nights ♪
♪ Silk robes and kimonos ♪
♪ I pound the taiko drum in your dojo ♪
♪ Days in padded blazers Filing papers, no more ♪
♪ It’s time for... ♪
♪ Oakland nights ♪
And that's what it would be like.
-Hard pass. -Thank you for your consideration.
♪ Silk robes and kimonos ♪
♪ I’m a pro when I bone But I do it pro bono ♪
♪You work hard days So you deserve the... ♪
♪ Oakland nights ♪
♪ We’re the Oakland Knights Of the Round Table ♪
♪ Plus I'll take you out to pizza At the Round Table Pizza ♪
♪ My favorite pizzeria in Oakland ♪
♪ But bring a change 'Cause you can’t wear your silk robe in ♪
This was fun.
Oh, right on.
So, can I call you?
I told you. We don't date ball players.
You guys really need to get rid of all of this fake Asian shit.
It's tacky.
But I got it from Steven Seagal's interior designer.
Will we ever find love?
♪ Walk in the party With my dick in my hand ♪
♪ Straight to the bathroom With my dick in my hand ♪
♪ You wanna step up I got the brick in my hand ♪
♪ Then leave your ass face down With my dick in my hand ♪
♪ I’m Mark McGwirey Buff not wirey ♪
♪ Alex P. Keaten is who I admirey ♪
♪ And I know that it's true 'Cause I read it in your diary ♪
♪ Your spirit, your bat, and your crotch ♪
♪ All fiery ♪
♪ Bash Brothers, fast lovers ♪
♪ We be fuckin' faster Than chattering teeth, chattering teeth ♪
♪ We’re two little Jack rabbits Fucking in our cleats ♪
♪ All you silly billy Big ol' titty biddies ♪
♪ Wanna see my willy-dilly Vibing me willy-nilly ♪
♪ And we getting silly honeys But I don’t mean silly funny ♪
♪ Snow bunny, city bunny Even Ms. McGillicuddy ♪
-♪ And we’re making silly money ♪ -♪ While you play with Silly Putty ♪
-♪ Then I’m bashing with my buddy ♪ -♪ And I'm bashing with my buddy ♪
-♪ Wearing fashion with my buddy ♪ -♪ Playing saxes with my buddy ♪
-♪ Snorting a relaxant ♪ -♪ While evading taxes with my buddy ♪
♪ I'm a gladiator ♪
♪ My body's a machine ♪
♪ I hit home runs ♪
♪ Cause I’m focused as fuck ♪
♪ Where is the limit? ♪
♪ There are no limits ♪
♪ And what is the goal? ♪
-♪ To make Dad love me ♪ -♪ To make Dad love me ♪
♪ To make Dad love me ♪
♪ To make Dad finally love me ♪
♪ I got 100 cardboard cutouts Of Kathy Ireland all in one room ♪
♪ I run through that shit naked ♪
♪ Make them all watch me Fuck myself with a broom ♪
♪ Oh, Kathies All my Kathies ♪
♪ You’re the only ones that know my pain ♪
♪ And you’re the only ones That see my shame ♪
♪ Hey, yo, José ♪
♪ Come on, man We’re late for the game! ♪
Picture this.
I'm a sunflower,
twisting to find the light.
Bursts of gold and green.
Picture this.
Growing taller than imagined possible.
Picture this.
♪ Picture this We up in the Gold's Gym pumping ♪
♪ Perfecting the science Of straight lifting something ♪
-♪ On your mark ♪ -♪ Get set ♪
♪ We rippin' a rep ♪
♪ Gonna spray the whole bench press up With our sweat ♪
♪ But then, both of us turned To the gym door ♪
♪ And both of our jaws hit the gym floor ♪
♪ 'Cause there stood The two most bodacious babes in bikinis ♪
♪ My heart stopped faster than Fellini's ♪
♪ They headed straight for us ♪
♪ I reached for my jimmy hats ♪
♪But then they pinned us back to the bench Man, they had us trapped ♪
♪ Told us to wake up And smell the Folgers ♪
♪ Then stood up straight Like two toy soldiers ♪
♪ Then while remaining stiff They fell into our hands ♪
♪ Looked down, said, "Lift" So I turned to my man ♪
♪ Lift girls instead of weights? Man, this is nuts ♪
♪ Then we cocked back our muscles And lifted ‘em up ♪
-♪ Then time slowed down ♪ -♪ Slowed down
♪ All that mattered was this moment ♪
♪ Bench pressing Bodacious babes in bikins♪
♪Is the best bodybuilding craze ♪
♪ You can ditch the barbells And the fancy weights ♪
♪ 'Cause we g-g-guarantee That you’re gonna look great ♪
♪ In the world of weights The bench press is the coolest ♪
♪ Add two babes ♪
♪ Now you’re fuckin' with the new-ness ♪
♪ A new routine That’ll change your attitude-ness ♪
♪ Your whole self-esteem will scream "I've made improvements" ♪
♪ A babe walked in And she wanted me to lift her ♪
♪ But she was in sweatpants So I dismissed her ♪
♪ With a good bikini grip You never risk a blister ♪
♪ Sweatpants slide That’s a hazard to the lifter ♪
♪ And when we do push-ups They sit on our backs ♪
♪ And when we take a breather We sit in their laps ♪
♪ But when the breather is done We bounce back to the bench ♪
♪ Babes stiffen then dip Into our hands outstretched ♪
♪ And we cock back our muscles Get our fingers all clenched ♪
♪ Then send 'em to the heavens 'Cause from heaven they sent ♪
-♪ Then light shown down ♪ -♪ Then light shown down ♪
-♪ Bathing all in a moment of divinity ♪ -♪ Bathing all in a moment of divinity ♪
♪ Bench pressing Bodacious babes in bikinis ♪
♪ Is the best bodybuilding craze ♪
♪ You can ditch the barbells And the fancy weights ♪
♪ 'Cause we g-g-guarantee That you’re gonna look great ♪
♪ And I will lift you up ♪
♪ And you will be set free ♪
♪ And we will be transformed ♪
♪ As the heavens weep ♪
♪ The House of Pancakes Is my favorite place ♪
♪ I love the booth seating And I love-a the taste ♪
♪ My andro’s are part Of a nutritious breakfast ♪
♪ My neck so big That I broke-a my neck-a-lace ♪
♪ Slipped on the puka shells On the floor ♪
♪ Had to go re-up At the puka shell store ♪
♪ Hey, Mark, welcome back To your favorite shop ♪
♪ Yo, shut the fuck up And put the pukas in the box ♪
♪ Okay, Big Mac There’s no need to be rude ♪
♪ I’m sorry, Bob ♪
♪ It’s the steroids They fuck with my mood ♪
♪ Now, put the pukas in the bag Before I blow my top ♪
♪ 'Cause me and José ‘Bout to smash back to IHOP ♪
Whoa, this IHOP is going off.
It sure is. Look at all of those people in the parking lot.
Hey, Mark, check out those guys.
♪ Hey, you, nasty freak Shake that nasty butt ♪
Who, us?
♪ I said, hey, you nasty freak Shake that nasty butt ♪
Hey! Watch it!
♪ Hey, you, a-freakedy-freak A-step up and jiggle your stuff ♪
Okay.
♪ If you a boy or a girl Do a jump and a twirl ♪
♪ And then bounce that funky dump ♪
♪ Welcome to the parking lot Where there’s dancing all the time ♪
Alright!
♪ So watch out for those moving cars And stay within the painted lines ♪
Whoa!
♪ You know it feels so good To be outside ♪
Sorry.
♪ And let our bodies move to the rhythm ♪
♪ 'Cause we're dancing tonight ♪
♪ Shake that nasty butt ♪
♪ You nasty boys Keep shaking those nasty butts ♪
We are.
♪ I said, hey, you nasty boys Shake four halves of butt ♪
Phrased weird.
♪ It’s not phrased weird at all ♪
♪Shake four halves of butt ♪
Okay.
♪ Your mama gave you a butt So shake that butt ♪
♪ Shake that butt ♪
-We are. -We are!
♪ Shake that butt Shake that butt ♪
-It's too much. -Stop!
♪ Shake that butt Shake that butt ♪
-Help! Help! -I want to stop.
♪ Shake that butt Shake that butt ♪
-Mark! -José!
Mark!
♪ Shake that butt... ♪
José!
Mark!
José!
♪ And what is the price of fame? ♪
♪ Will my family be proud of their name? ♪
♪ Feels like my body’s a runaway train ♪
♪ Mama, please help me I’m... ♪
♪ Going insane ♪
Wow! It sounds like being famous is really hard.
Yeah, it is.
Also, would you mind shaking your butts for the camera?
See?
That's what we're talking about.
I looked at my reflection...
and everything's backwards.
I dipped my hand in the lake to touch it...
and it was gone.
♪ Papa, did you see me Hit a homer last night? ♪
♪ I lit the stadium on fire I was Oakland’s pride ♪
♪ Daddy, did you see me? ♪
♪ Look what I can do, yeah ♪
♪ Daddy, do you hear me crying? ♪
♪ Crying ♪
♪ Daddy, can you see I’m dying? ♪
♪ Dying ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Dad ♪
♪ Tell ‘em, José ♪
♪ Ever since Little League Middle school, middle league ♪
♪ Always played technically Perfect like a symphony, little me ♪
♪ Got much bigger, faster Stronger, Dad, ♪
♪ Hit it so long But you always want it longer, Dad ♪
♪ But therapy’s for losers ♪
♪ Little boy ♪
♪ Therapy’s for losers ♪
♪ Hey, buy all my steroids in bulk ♪ -♪ Costco ♪
-♪ Wanna get big as the Hulk ♪ -♪ Hogan ♪
-♪ Stronger than wolverine teeth ♪ -♪Logan ♪
-♪Answer to, "Where’s the beef" ♪ -♪ Slogan ♪
♪ First, I put on my jock Then both of my socks ♪
♪ Parachute Hammer pants and my Reeboks ♪
♪ Hot tub inside a limousine At Chuck E Cheese ♪
♪ Dad, look at me ♪
José, heard you went on a pretty hot date the other night.
Care to tell us about it?
Hey, come on. You guys know I don't kiss and tell.
♪ Oh, I went on a date with Madonna ♪
♪ She said that she wanted Cuban babies ♪
♪ She seemed like a smart business lady ♪
♪ But I didn’t find her Physically attractive ♪
♪ I went on a date with my mama ♪
♪ Took her out For all-you-can-eat shrimp ♪
♪ She said she was proud of her baby That’s me ♪
♪ So, I guess we both had a wild week ♪
♪ Therapy’s for losers ♪
♪ Dad said ♪
♪ Therapy’s for losers ♪
♪ Keep your mouth shut ♪
♪ No snitchin' ♪
♪ About the steroids ♪
♪ No snitchin' ♪
♪ About the steroids ♪
♪ Don’t fuck up a good thing While you got it ♪
Instead of giving a high-five, we'd bash our forearms together.
Biceps...
Wow! The World Series.
It's 1988, and the season went well.
I'm at the height of my career...
So why do I feel sad?
♪ These days, don't recognize My young face in the mirror ♪
♪ I'm a monster not the man I want to be But focus on the game, José ♪
♪ The game, José ♪
♪ Don't be a fool Don't throw it all away ♪
♪ Haven't talked to Mom in two weeks ♪
Mark, it's your mother.
♪ Things at home are even more bleak ♪
♪ Focus on the game, Mark ♪
♪ The game, Mark Focus on the game, Mark ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ So look at me 'Cause I'm all alone in right field ♪
♪ Thinkin' 'bout all the fucked up shit That I did to get here ♪
♪ Did I loose my soul? ♪
♪ When did I loose control? ♪
♪ But they tell me To focus on the game, Mark ♪
♪ Lord knows I'm trying ♪
♪ And I never leave the shower So they never see me crying ♪
♪ Just a scared little boy In the body of a giant ♪
♪ A freak show of science ♪
♪ But then my friend says ♪
♪ You're the man, JC ♪
♪ You're the man, Big Mac ♪
♪ You're the only one who knows What it truly means to bash ♪
♪ And if one day they should come for us And strip us of our crowns ♪
♪ I know that if I am going down You're also going down ♪
High fly ball into right field.
She is gone.
In a year that has been so improbable, the impossible has happened.
What do we ask of our heroes?
Where do we put them...
when they fall back to Earth...
now mere mortals?
How do we find a path back to light...
when all is cast in shadow?
José Canseco is facing questions about steroids and baseball.
He ratted out a friend.
Mark McGwire said it is too late
to reconcile with his old Bash Brother.
Can a man be remade?
Can a legacy...
be reborn?
Fuck it.
Let's bash.
-♪ Let's bash ♪ -♪ Let's bash ♪
♪ Let's bash on they ass ♪
-♪ Let's bash ♪ -♪ Let's bash ♪
♪ Let's bash on they ass ♪
♪ Just hit a three run ho-ho ♪
♪ But if you wanna high five That’s a no-no ♪
♪ I’m heading home All my homies at home plate ♪
♪ Are waiting on me So you know I gotta do something great ♪
♪ And that’s when the arms go up Like we about to drink from a cup ♪
♪ 'Cause we a bunch-a buff dudes Just flexin’ ♪
♪ Acknowledging our feats Via human connection ♪
-♪ Let's bash ♪ -♪ Let's bash ♪
♪ Let's Monster Bash ♪
♪ Hit a tater out the statiour For monster cash ♪
♪ Hit a dinger Through the fucking VIP suite glass ♪
♪ Break your fucking arm in half And then sign the cast ♪
"Get well soon. Love, José."
-Sorry about your arm, Walt Weiss. -It happens.
♪ I might be an Athletic But I’m built like a Giant ♪
♪ And I’m wearing White Sox Like an Angel that’s flyin’ ♪
♪ Met a Blue Jay that’s fucking an Oriel ♪
♪ You’re Royally screwed Like a Marlin exposed to the oil ♪
♪ That a Pirate or a Mariner Spilled out his tanker ♪
♪ That’s a Cardinal sin, Padre ♪
♪ Man, tell it to the Ranger ♪
♪ You feel Brave, little Cub-Cub Try to stop me ♪
♪ But when I’m seeing Red Shit is gonna get Rocky ♪
♪ At Dodger field Beat your blood Red Sox soggy ♪
♪ Astrophysicist make you See stars promptly ♪
♪ I’m more hopped up Than a Brewer that’s hyper ♪
♪ Sit Indian style When I’m yanking on my Tiger ♪
♪ I’m staring at a Philly With some Major League Twins ♪
♪ If you didn’t know by now I’m naming baseball teams ♪
-♪ Let's bash ♪ -♪ Let's bash ♪
♪ Let's Monster Bash ♪
♪ Round tripper make the pitcher feel Like donkey ass ♪
♪ Hit a ding-dong-doodle With my bing-bong-bat ♪
♪ We smack a blast Then we smash a bash ♪
Wait. Hold up. Hold up.
You motherfuckers thought you were done?
Not by a long shot.
-Hit it!
Hear ye! Hear ye!
I'm Joe Montana.
When it comes to football, I'm a bad mama jama.
The 49ers is my team of choice.
I love chucking the pigskin to Gerald Rice.
My Super Bowl rings speak for themselves,
and there's dozens of trophies all over my shelves.
I'm tired now, but that won't stop me
from going out this evening
and crushing 'tang.