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Can you go slower?
Yeah, sorry.
Can I have the water bottle?
Yeah .
It's called a bidon .
What's in it?
Orangina.
-Thanks. -No problem .
No, thanks for this.
For getting me out here. I never would have thought of doing this.
-It's beautiful . -Yeah .
And I kind of need it because I've been getting fat.
Yeah . Most people get in shape before their wedding .
Yeah .
I-- I didn't do that.
Yeah . Hey, when we hit the hill up here, try to keep, Iike, a steady cadence.
What's a cadence?
Your pedal cadence, it's the rhythm of your feet as they move.
-You want to keep them consistently moving . -AII right.
So you're, Iike, really into this.
Cycling?
-Yeah . -Yeah . It's Iike-- I Iove it.
You know, it's beautiful , you sweat a Iot.
Helps me clear my head when , you know...
Maybe when I get back home, I can get a bike and we can do it together.
This could be, like, our thing .
-Yeah . That'd be cool . -Cool .
Mike, I'm getting married . How awesome is that?
Awesome.
She's the best.
She's Iike the best person ever.
I don't have to change to be with her, you know?
Remember how Marissa made me get that Rob Thomas haircut
and Tina made me be an atheist for a year?
-Yeah , I remember that. -Yeah .
Ava isn't Iike that.
She loves me for who I am.
And I Iove her for who she is.
And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her.
Kyle, I slept with Ava.
What?
What do you mean "slept"?
Like, we sexually slept together.
Shit.
AII right.
Oh , my God .
I'm gonna fucking kill you .
Now, when?
When did you sleep together?
-I don't know the exact dates. I didn't-- -Dates?!
Dude, slow down , you should pace yourself.
-How Iong? -Like a quarter mile.
No, how Iong has this been going on?
When did it start?!
When she moved to New York.
Three years ago!
This whole fucking time?!
No.
No, not the whole time. It was-- You know.
It was before you guys started dating .
Okay.
Okay, Mike.
You guys slept together.
It happened .
It's in the past.
It also happened in the present.
Fuck, Mike!
Switch gears, you need to pedal at a higher cadence.
Fuck you , Mike.
You're like-- You're like a real-life Judas.
On the plus side, that makes you Iike Jesus, so that's like a...
Is that a joke?
Are you making a joke?
You're right.
It was in bad taste.
-Kyle, what do you want me to say? -"I'm sorry"?
I didn't plan this, it sort of just Iike...
It happened . I don't know.
There's something about her, Iike she's smart and she's interesting
and she does this thing with her hips that I've never--
The hip thing?
She's my fiancée. You think I don't know about the hip thing?
You're right. I'm sorry.
If I catch you , I'm gonna kill you .
I know, that's why I waited for the hill .
Yeah , you got this. Come on .
-Mike, shut up. -Dig !
Fuck you !
Push it.
Why are you doing this?
-I just thought you'd wanna know. -Why would I wanna know?
I don't know, man .
You're getting married , and ...
-I'm your best man , I had to tell you . -You're not my best man anymore.
I wrote a speech .
I don't care.
Who's gonna be your best man?
Anybody, Mike.
Anybody but you is gonna be my best man .
That's like a $30 bidon .
What does "bidon" even mean?
It's a French word for bicycle water bottle.
Go around !
Fucking go around !
Asshole!
Fuck you .
Motherfucker!
Fuck you !
What the fuck is your problem , motherfucker?
Fucking asshole.
Get the fuck off me!
Fucking stop!
Okay, okay, okay--
Oh , fuck.
Holy shit.
Oh , horses.
Thought you were a good fighter.
These shoes have no traction .
-Swear to me that it won't happen again. -l swear.
Like you mean it, Mike. Swear that it's not gonna happen.
I swear it won't happen again . I--
He's saying blue, it's blue.
-What's he saying? -I don't know, he's speaking so fast.
Okay.
-Come, come, come. -Okay.
Hey.
What happened to your hair?
Oh , I had a hat on .
Are you okay?
Yeah . Yeah , I'm fine.
-I think I broke a rib. -Where's Kyle?
With the doctor.
-Is he okay? -Yeah , he's fine.
I mean , emotionally, he's not. But...
What happened?
I told him about us.
And he beat you up.
No. A Frenchman beat me up.
I think he used Krav Maga.
-I wouldn't even say he beat me up-- -Mike, we talked about this.
-It's over. -I know.
I know. That's what I said . I said it was over.
You know, and what we did was, Iike, stupid and meaningless.
Yeah . It was meaningless.
-Right. That's what I said . -And stupid .
And you guys love each other and you're getting married .
Yes. We're getting married .
I'm happy for you .
Me too.
Look, Mike, it's better Iike this.
You know, I thought a lot about our story, and it didn't start good .
It means something .
-I love you . -You know you--
Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I said that.
Just, I think about it a Iot.
-What? -And I Iove you .
I'm sorry. I'm not thinking clearly. I think I have a concussion .
I'm sorry. PIease don't tell Kyle. Fuck.
Fuck!
What does that mean?
It means, fuck, you make me shit!
I'm sorry.
Oh , my God . Mike, are you serious?! You just promised !
Kyle, wait!
Wait!
-Can we talk? -About what?
-About this. -I don't wanna talk about this. I hate this.
Okay.
Okay, you know what? I do wanna talk about this.
What's happening?
-I . . . -Do you Iove me? Look at me.
-Yes. -Okay.
Good . And do you still wanna get married?
For the Lord himself will descend from heaven
with a cry of command ,
with the voice of an archangeI
and with the sound of the trumpet of God ,
and the dead in Christ...
And the dead in Christ will rise first.
Then we who are Ieft,
who are alive,
will be caught up together with him in the clouds,
so that we may meet the Lord in the air.
We will always be with the Lord .
Therefore, encourage one another with these words.
I n the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit,
amen .
I would just Iike to take a moment to say thank you to all of you
who've been here today to support the family
and to support one another.
We who are alive, who are Ieft,
and who right now are experiencing a moment of immense sorrow.
But our faith tells us that this very same moment...
is a moment of immense joy.
And she is now in the hands of the heavenly father.
And right now, her husband , Michael , would like to say a few words.
-Thank you , Father. -God bless.
-God bless, son . -Thanks.
Thank you , Father, for the beautiful words.
It's strange hearing them because Ava really didn't believe in heaven .
She was more into the idea of reincarnation .
This all happened so fast.
I didn't even know where to begin finding a priest who would talk about reincarnation ,
so I just went with the basic package they sold me at the funeral .
I ...
I was planning on ...
Sorry.
Thank you , Father, for being here.
I think I'm fucking this up, my-- Sorry.
I'm sorry, this is a union cemetery, I can't Iet you do that.
I was just gonna throw some dirt on and go home.
I'm sorry. Unless you're Local 365, I can't Iet you touch the equipment.
-It's a fucking shovel . -Michael , M ichael , it's okay.
It's okay, it's all right.
I'm sorry, Father. I'm sorry, sir. Give me the fucking shovel !
I'm gonna put some dirt on and I'm gonna go home.
-Back the fuck up! -Put the shovel down !
-Back up! Get the-- -Put it down !
Ava!
No, no. Hey, no, no.
Hey! Hey!
Come on !
Mike.
Hey, Kyle.
Hey.
I didn't think you were gonna come.
Thanks for coming .
I miss her.
Yeah , I get it.
Yeah , you're--
You're the only one who gets it.
You know she started rescuing dogs?
At one point, I had , Iike, seven dogs Iiving in my house.
It was like a kennel , but they weren't, Iike, normal dogs. They were street dogs.
This one dog , Gus, would growl at me. I would fear--
That's the thing . It's Iike...
We built this life together, but-- It wasn't perfect, but it was ours.
She was patient and Ioving .
People would tell me that when you get married ,
the sex is supposed to go downhill , but it didn't.
It went uphill . Like, fast up hill .
Got, Iike, real crazy.
-We started getting-- -Come here, come here, hey.
Now I'm stuck with all these dogs.
You were my best friend .
And I know I Iost that. You know, but...
Now I Iost my wife.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sorry for being with her, obviously,
because I Ioved her and I would do that again .
But I'm sorry for what it did to us, you know?
-Hey. I was doing the whole seduction thing . -Yeah , I can see that.
I thought you thought it was funny.
It was funny when you were fat. But now it just feels too serious.
Are you gonna talk to them?
-It's Thanksgiving , I'II talk to everyone. -Kyle, I'm fucking serious.
Okay, I will . But if we make this into a thing , it's gonna be a thing .
It is a thing .
-Kyle, turkey's ready. -You need to tell her.
-Okay, Mom! -You know your mom doesn't like me.
What are you talking about? My mom Ioves you .
She didn't Iike me in high school .
That's not true. AIso, you shouldn't smoke in here.
Because she can smell it and it's Iike a whole thing .
Kyle, this turkey needs to be cut!
-Okay, Mom, I'm coming ! -Just tell her no.
What?
But I'm the turkey cutter.
Have you ever said no to your mother?
Yeah .
I honestly don't believe that you have.
-Okay. -Let's just practice. J ust say it to me.
Just say no.
No.
I don't believe it.
Okay, let's try...
Kyle, can you take me to the airport?
Sure.
I mean , no.
Wait. Do you have to go to the airport?
-Because-- -Okay, let's just try it again .
We're just saying no.
Okay.
Kyle, can you take me to the airport?
No.
Here. Just ask me something .
-Okay. Can you take me to the airport? -No.
Absolutely not.
-Did you believe me? -Yeah .
Good .
Can you take me to the airport?
No.
No, you need to mean it.
-No. -No, say it again .
-No. -No.
No!
-No! -No. No!
No!
-No! -No!
-No! Kyle! Can you take me to the airport? -No. No!
Yeah .
Yeah , that was good .
Yes.
Oh , fuck.
Fuck! Fuck, fuck.
Mom , what are you doing?
-I think they're fighting . -You have to give them some privacy.
-Well , it's my house. -Dani , we don't Iike her.
Wait, why don't we Iike her?
Because.
Kyle, please, your father's cutting the turkey!
Who wants a Manhattan?
Yes, yes, Grandma, you want a Manhattan?
Of course!
Dad , Dad , Dad , you can't cut it Iike that.
-You can't cut right down the middle. -Okay, well , it was getting cold , so I--
-It's okay, I got it. I'II take it. -AII right. Let me know when it's done.
Mama.
-Want a Manhattan? -Of course.
Of course. Oh , my God . Mom , that Iooks so good .
Kyle, is everything okay?
Yeah , why?
-I thought I heard fighting downstairs. -No, we're fine.
-If you're going through a rough patch-- -Mom , Mom , please. Just stop.
I'm sorry. I know you've been through a Iot.
I didn't Iike her when you were together in high school , then you followed her to SU NY--
-I chose to go. -You got in to Amherst.
-Mom , we're not having this conversation . -She broke up with you , the first semester.
Kyle, your commercial's on . Come on !
Oh , my God .
Come on .
-Where's the remote? -I don't know.
-It's over there.
Do you have to sit down every time?
-No. Why would I take it upstairs? -Because you always do.
-Got it, got it. Okay. -Turn it up, turn it up, turn it up.
Side effects of Vulvitra may include bleeding,
hemorrhaging, dizziness, and seizures.
-What's going on? -It's Kyle's commercial , Grandma.
Users have reported severe mood swings and suicidal thoughts.
Those taking birth control should talk to your doctor before using Vulvitra.
-It's so good ! -Kyle, it's amazing !
I just did the jingle, so...
What does it do?
It's Viagra for women , Grandma. It makes you wet.
-Bianca. -What?
-Oh , that's nice. -Tone it down .
-Pretty good marketing . -Yeah , big pharma's got their...
-Hey. -Hey.
-Oh , your skirt's. . . -Thank you .
-Hey. -Hey.
H i .
-You want a Manhattan? -No, I'm good .
Kyle and I are doing this no-sugar diet.
There's sugar in this?
-I thought this was just alcohol . -Hey.
-You just missed Kyle's commercial . -I've seen it.
-Isn't it great? -Yeah .
Doesn't it feel like it was written for men though?
Oh , it was written for men .
-Well , I thought it was great. -Looking good , Kyle.
-So did I . -Lose some weight?
-Yeah , Marissa's made me work out. -I bet she is.
Listen , for New Year's, Jim bought all of us tickets
to the Thomas Sullivan , so I don't know what your plans were.
But if you wanted to join us, we could get an extra ticket.
So there's a full dinner and Iive music.
Yeah , the DJ , Tom and orchestra's playing .
That's cool . Actually, Kyle and I planned this big ski trip for New Year's.
I thought he might have told you guys about it.
-No, no. -Hey, Kyle?
-Yeah? -Come in here for a second?
Sure.
Are you drinking right now?
Yeah , Kyle, you know the tickets for the Thomas Sullivan ,
they're nonrefundable, so maybe you could just push
your dates back, for your trip, a couple days?
No.
I'm sorry, Mom . No. I'Il pay for the tickets.
Kyle, it's not about the money.
What is it about?
-Family. You know, family? -Guys, can we. . .?
-Families spend the holidays together. -I agree.
So, what did we decide, then? Should I get another ticket?
-No. -No.
-Okay. -Kyle, can--?
You need to tell her. Now.
We're getting married .
Well , congratulations.
-Thank you . -Congratulations.
Congratulations.
-What's happening? -They're getting married .
Oh , my God .
Sisters!
-Oh , my God . -What?
We're getting married .
-No, really? -Yeah .
-Oh , my God . Let me see the ring . -Oh , it's-- I'm designing it.
Yeah .
-Wait, they're getting married? -You did great.
Oh , my God .
What's going on?
Kyle got engaged , Grandma.
Oh , my God .
Grandma. I'm getting married .
-Yeah . -N ice.
-Marissa. -H i .
-Oh , yeah , nice to meet you . -We've met.
Mom , I'm sorry.
-I was gonna tell you sooner. -It's okay. I'm happy if you're happy.
-Okay. Thanks. -Are you happy?
-Yes. -Good .
I'm really sorry about all the things that I said about her before.
It's just that you're my only son .
And I want what's best for you . AII right? And I Iove you .
I love you too, Mom .
I invited Mike for Christmas.
-What? -Yes.
-You invited Mike? What are you doing? -I did , I know, I know. Listen to me.
There's nothing that's gonna make that okay. But he is not doing well .
He has no family. We were his only family. And now he has no one.
He should have thought about that before he fu ...
-Kyle, wait a minute, I taught you . . . -Are we really having this conversation?
...how to be caring and compassionate and forgiving ,
so maybe you should Iook at this as a test to see if you can--
-No! -What?
-No, no, no, Gertie! -Oh , my gosh ! Gertie, really?
-What happened? -He ate the turkey!
-Gertie! -No! No, no.
Outside.
Oh , fuck.
Shit.
Okay, here's what you do.
Keep a small bottle of vodka in your glove compartment.
And when you get in an accident, then slam that bottle of vodka down .
-Yeah? -Right in front of them .
That way, they can't prove whether you were drunk before or after the accident.
-So this is real-world advice? -Foolproof.
Yeah . Dani , get the door!
I'm coming .
I always wondered what it'd be like to run a train .
Oh , hey, Gertie.
-Oh , my God . Mike, hey. Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas, Dani .
-Hey, come in . -Hey.
-Good to see you . -You too.
There's food in the dining room and drinks in the kitchen .
Okay, thanks.
Sure. Come on , Gertie.
-Is that Michael? -Hey, Grandma.
-What happened? -I don't know.
But Iisten to me, you gotta go get a haircut, okay?
Oh , this guy doesn't need a haircut. He's a Iady-killer.
He's Iike a hawk, he just swoops in .
-You doing all right? -Yeah , I'm okay, Uncle Mark.
-You know the cheesecake you Iove? -Kid's only a freshman .
He doesn't have a rocket arm yet, but he's got great feet.
Suzi and I drove up to the Carrier Dome to watch him in the state game.
-He's already got offers from Rutgers-- -Hey, Daddy, Iook who's here.
-Oh , my God . Mike. -Hey.
It's great to see you , kiddo.
-Good to see you , Jim . -You too.
Just telling George about this new freshman quarterback they got at your college.
-Have you seen this kid yet? -No, I haven't.
-Want a drink? -Yeah .
-Take mine. I just made it. -Thank you .
Your sweater's on backwards.
I'Il never forget that game against Fox Lane.
You faked that defensive end right out of his jockstrap.
You guys made a great team . You ought to...
-Hey, Mike's here. -Okay.
-He's kind of fat, just a heads-up. -Why would I need a heads-up?
-Well . . . -Kyle, Mike's in the living room.
-Yeah , I just told him . -He got fat.
-Right? -Yeah .
-You okay? -Yeah , fine.
-Are you gonna talk to him? -I don't know, Dani .
-Where are you going? -How's the whole jewelry website going?
It's good . Kyle started working with me.
I thought he already had a job.
Yeah , I think he's gonna quit. We got so many orders this Christmas.
And Kyle got really good at gift wrapping .
-You guys make a great team. -Yeah .
I'm gonna get some air.
Mike had that! He was a natural athlete. Shame he didn't play in college.
-Who? -Mike.
-Hey, what were you guys talking about? -Fashion .
Fashion? Does she know more about fashion than we do?
-Why are you even friends with her? -She's cool .
How is she cool?
Jim Harrison says, "I never understood the acceptance of bad ham in America."
And I gotta agree with him. I mean , think about it. One ham is really good .
I mean , why do we need any more, huh? What's the point?
It's so amazing
to go to an actual ham-bake
that, you know, dug a pit in the ground and there was Iike 50 hams in there...
Pitchforks, they toss them around . I ncredible.
But most of the time, it's just that watery ham bullshit.
Excuse me.
Can you bring the firewood in from the side of the house while you're out here?
Sure.
AIso, stop smoking . It's disgusting .
Suzi , are you fucking kidding me? Why did you invite him?
-Because. -That's not a reason .
Look, he's family.
He's not family. He grew up with us, now he's ruining our Iives...
-Hey. -Hey.
-Is that my football helmet? -Yeah .
I should have played in college.
-Hey. -H i .
How's everything going?
Great.
Yeah?
Yeah .
What's great?
-Peaky Blinders. It's pretty great. -Oh , okay.
What else? Besides Peaky Blinders.
That's about it.
-What are you doing? -What do you mean?
With your Iife. What are you doing?
What is this? Is this, Iike, an intervention?
Are you trying to have, Iike, a Christmas intervention on me?
Yes, this is a Christmas intervention .
Okay, well , thank you very much , but I don't want one.
What do you want?
Nothing .
You want me to be, Iike, happy?
And you wanna know that I'm okay and everything's okay?
I'm not okay.
-You ever feel sorry for yourself? -AII the time.
Yeah , stop doing that.
Why did you invite me here? Your son hates me.
-Yeah , he should hate you . -I know. I'm a bad friend .
I'm Iike the shitty person .
Okay, so fix it.
How?
Stop being selfish .
What you did to him was selfish and he was destroyed by it.
So stop thinking about yourself and how sad your life is and think about somebody else.
You know, it just might make you feel good .
Okay.
Kyle is selfless. He always thinks about other people first. He always has.
And people take advantage of that.
And now...
he's getting married , and I don't know.
What do you mean?
I mean , I don't know.
-About Marissa? -Yeah .
I don't know.
I'm glad you're here.
Sometimes when you think you're doing the right thing,
it hurts the people you love.
And then sometimes when you think you're doing the wrong thing ,
it's actually what's needed .
If you want to be a part of this family, then act like it.
Might get well tonight.
-But what'd he do? -What are you talking about?
But for a job?
-Hey, Mike. -Hey, Kyle.
-Merry Christmas. -Merry...
-Oh , my God ! Mike. -What happened?
-Mike. -Oh , my God . Dad !
Give him some room.
-Dad . -Let's get him over.
-Holy shit. -How much did he have to drink?
-I gave him one eggnog . -How strong was it?
Is he dead?
-Yeah , pretty strong . -Give him some water.
He'Il be all right. He's gonna be fine. I've seen him take bigger hits than that.
-Just Ieave him. -Is that Mike?
Yeah .
He got fat.
-He looks bad . -Maybe he just lost his balance.
I don't know about that table.
Gosh , I should really spend some more time with him .
-Should we pull him up? -Yeah , I guess we should Iet him--
-Put him in a bed or something , Daddy? -No, I think he's fine right here.
No, no, no!
No, she quit.
Remember the blizzard of '96?
Yeah .
That was crazy.
So glad you made it out.
Yeah , man . Thanks for inviting me.
-Are the boots supposed to hurt so much? -Yeah .
You know those mountains allow skiing and snowboarding?
Yeah , they're too crowded , and the snowboarders push off all the snow.
Kyle's a snowboarder.
Yeah , well , he's skiing now.
It's fine. I Iearned how to ski , it's fine.
-Hey, we should do Catapult next. -Okay.
No, that's a black diamond . I don't think you're ready for that.
-Okay. -It's a hill . You just go down it.
Yeah , but he's gonna crash .
-It's snow. If he crashes, it's snow. -I'd rather not crash .
-Kyle, no one wants to crash . -Sorry, what is your point?
We're here on the mountain and we're going down the bunny slopes with all the children ,
and , Kyle, you're a natural athlete.
-Thanks, man . -Yeah . You can do any of these runs.
-I mean , Iook at that cliff over there. -Okay, great. Kyle, Iisten to me.
It's your choice, but I wouldn't do it.
Can we just do A Cat's Meow a couple more times?
-Yeah , cool . -Sweet.
I'm doing Catapult.
Drink.
-Drink. -Okay. All right.
-But you already know that. -I know.
Okay, never have I ever had Lyme disease.
-You have had Lyme disease though . -Yeah , but you haven't.
I know. That's not how this game works. Drink.
-What? Again? -Yeah .
Can we just try playing a different game?
-What? -Let's do Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Okay, so if I win , you have to drink.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Again . Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
Drink!
-Ready? Rock, paper-- -No, no, I'm done. I'm done.
-Never have I ever been caught streaking . -What? We did that together.
-Yeah , but I didn't get caught. -It was your idea. Okay.
Never have I ever spent so much time
with the school counselor doing, Iike, morality training .
I was Iike, "Why is Kyle's butt so small?" It's disproportionate with your body.
-Never have I ever been ice fishing . -I've never been ice fishing .
I want to.
Never have I ever been allergic to peanut butter.
Now you're just Iisting allergies you know I have.
Drink.
-Okay, what are you allergic to? -I'm not gonna tell you .
-What are you guys doing? -Jägermeister.
-Why? -It's a ski trip and it has alcohol in it.
-Wait, where's the cheese? -What cheese?
The cheese that I-- The Iarge block of cheese that I just brought out.
-Was I not supposed to eat it? -No, it was for the bread .
-What bread? -The bread that I'm making .
Thanks, babe.
Okay, never have I ever been questioned about how I was touching a dog .
That never happened .
I'm not saying you inappropriately touched a dog .
I'm saying , never have I ever been questioned ,
Iike, "Kyle, what are you doing with that dog?"
Okay.
You just keep asking me things you know the answers to already.
-Yeah , I know. That's the point. -Okay.
AII right, well , then , never have I ever warmed up chicken cutlets to masturbate.
There you go.
See? It's, Iike, super simple if you just understand--
Are you guys playing Never Have I Ever with two people right now?
-Yeah , we're catching up. -Do you wanna play?
No. I just want to relax and have a glass of wine like an adult.
If you do wine and Jägermeister together, it's Iike a whole experience.
I won't.
-Oh , this looks good , babe. -Thanks.
Okay, I got one.
Never have I ever given a hand job affer junior prom
at John Nicola's party to...
-Kevin . -You bitch .
...Kevin Farrell .
Never did I ever give a hand job to Kevin Farrell after junior prom. Drink.
Kyle, will you help me with the kitchen?
Hold on .
Never have I ever been asked to help with the kitchen .
Okay, Mike.
AII right.
Really?
I'm sorry about...
-Oh , my God ! -I just took it out of the oven .
-It's so hot. -Put your...
Why would it be so hot?
Why is he still here? He was only supposed to stay for the day.
-Yeah , well , he broke his wrist. -Yeah , I'm aware.
We were in the hospital for four hours.
He has a car. He'II Ieave.
Yeah , but he's on painkillers and now he's drunk, so...
-Yeah , you're drinking with him . -Yeah , so?
I just want to be drunk with you
and , like, be naked
in every room and , Iike, have sex everywhere.
Okay.
Look, he's-- He's gotta go.
-Yeah , he's gonna go tomorrow, so. . . -No, no. I mean, Iike, he's gotta go away.
Like, somewhere else that's...
Iike, not in our lives.
But he's my friend .
I know.
You're the best.
But I can't do this.
Hey, you guys have any more wine?
You finished that guy?
-I did , yeah . Thank you . -It's impressive.
Yeah . We do have more wine. It's in the fridge. You just help yourself.
That's mine.
You have a...
Kyle, I'm gonna go to bed .
-Okay. -Good night!
Twist top. Sweet.
Whole thing?
Yeah .
Why do you have to be Iike this?
Like what?
-Fuckup. -Oh , fuck! It's hot.
AII right, listen , I'm going to bed .
The pillow and blanket are behind the couch , so...
Wait, wait, Kyle, Kyle. Where are you going?
Going to bed .
-But it's New Year's Eve. -Yeah , I'm aware.
-So are you gonna have sex? -That's none of your business.
But it's almost midnight.
So if you're not gonna have sex, we should bang pots and pans.
-Going to bed . -It's a tradition .
If you're not gonna bang with her, we should bang pots and pans.
-I'm going to bed , Mike. Happy New Year. -Happy New Year.
Wait, wait. Wait, Kyle. Kyle?
Yeah?
Hey, man .
I just wanna say, Iike, thank you .
You know, for having me here.
And ...
You know, for being , Iike, friends again .
-You're welcome. -Yeah .
-I'm trying to be Iess selfish . You know? -Right now? Yeah .
And I think about others before myself. And I think about you a Iot.
You know, and it's Iike...
I know you guys are engaged and you're gonna get married and everything .
But, you know, I don't know.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
I just wanna fix things with us, you know?
And ...
Sometimes when you're trying to do the right thing , it's the wrong thing .
Do you know what I mean?
No.
Okay. Yeah .
-Right. Okay. -Okay.
-Well , good night. -Good night.
Never have I never been named Kyle.
Kyle.
Kyle. Kyle.
Kyle, wake up.
Kyle, wake up. Kyle.
Kyle, wake up, you bitch .
Wake up, I wanna do butt stuff. Kyle.
Fuck.
Happy New Year!
That's when l realized he 's my best friend.
Yeah .
Why are you marrying him?
Because...
he is loyal and he's a good person .
And he's. . . He'II always be there, and ...
I don't know. And the sex is great. I don't know, why did you marry your wife?
Because I Ioved her.
-How's your brother Ronnie doing? Yeah? -He's good . He's better.
Is he still dealing drugs?
No, I don't think so. They weren't drugs. It was painkillers.
-He was so much fun in high school . -Yeah .
Yeah . You were fun in high school too though .
-Was I? -Yeah .
Yeah , I mean , there were things about you , you know, that were fun , like when you ...
weren't being yourself.
-I'm just kidding . -Fuck you .
I know. No, I just feel Iike...
I feel Iike we had , like, a connection , you know? At one time or another.
-You think so? -Yeah . Yeah .
Like, we're both like these...
very primal creatures, you know?
What? What?
What the fuck?
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck was that? Hey. Hey.
Hey, what the fuck was that? What did you do--? Why did you do that?
Look at me. Did you want to kiss me?
No.
Fuck you .
So, what did you think was gonna happen?
Did you--? Like, you would seduce me and we would fuck and then . . .?
And then Kyle would just call off the wedding?
Is that what you thought?
Yeah , like, hopefully.
You dumb fuck.
Because you know what? If we did have sex, he wouldn't break up with me.
He would break up with you .
-You wanna fuck me? God ! -No.
-No. No! -You had me. You fucking kissed me.
-Fuck me. -I don't want to.
Fuck you !
Follow through with your master plan , you sick fuck!
-Fuck is wrong with you? Does that hurt? -Fuck!
We're just dead weight from his childhood that he's too fucking nice to--
Fuck off of me!
You fat, sad , pathetic fuck! Fuck!
What the fuck? What the fuck?
You fuckers. What the fuck are you doing?
Get the fuck off me! Get the fuck off of me! You son of a--
Shit, Iet go.
Come on .
Thank you very much ! All right.
Fuck!
Come on .
Fuck! Help! Help!
Somebody help! Hey! Help!
Help me! Help!
Right here.
Can we just take a break? Can we take a break?
Guys.
PIease. PIease, guys.
-Shut the fuck up. -Okay. But please, listen .
-I don't know what's going on-- -I said , shut up.
Shut up.
What are you doing?
-What? -Why are you doing that voice?
To disguise my voice.
Yeah , but I'm doing that voice, so pick another voice.
-It's just the Batman voice. -Then stop doing it.
I don't have another voice.
Do a voice Iike this. You could do this voice.
That's perfect. You do that, I'II do this one.
No. I'm doing the Bat-- I'm doing the one I just showed you , I practiced it.
-You do the one that I just did . -I can't do that one.
You're not even trying . Fine.
I'Il do this voice,
-but this was why I wanted to prac-- -Mike?
-No.
It's you !
-Oh , my gosh ! Oh, my gosh . -Goddamn it, Ronnie!
-This is awesome. Hey, Ronnie. -Hey.
Stop Iaughing .
That's why I wanted to do the guns. It's so much scarier with the guns.
This is great, guys.
It's fucking ruined . It's ruined .
No, it's not. It's great. Just keep going . I'Il go along with you . Keep going .
Are you ready to die?
No, Mike. Do it in the voice. You gotta do it in the Batman voice.
-Okay. -Go, go, go.
-Are you ready to die? -No.
Then I'II say, "Are you ready to get fucked up?"
No, don't fuck me up, man .
Then I was gonna be like, "Are you ready for the best bachelor party of your Iife?"
Yes!
This is awesome.
Can you untie me though? You guys did a really good job.
What is that?
We're ice fishing , man . I gotta make this fun somehow.
-No, I'm okay. -Come on .
I just wanna say thanks for setting this up. I've always wanted to go ice fishing .
Talk to him. He planned the whole thing . Mike. I wanted to take you to AC.
Still do the whole kidnapping thing ,
but when we took the hood off, have it be at the strip club.
It's not a bachelor party without a stripper.
I don't need a stripper, Uncle Mark.
Kyle, it's not a bachelor party without a stripper.
Okay, I gotta go pee. Here.
-He's a really good guy. -Yeah .
The best.
It's too bad he's marrying my sister.
I mean , don't get me wrong . I Iike her-- You know, I love her, obviously.
But, yeah , it's too bad he's marrying my sister.
Yeah .
He's a good guy.
Oh , no, I'm okay. Yeah .
-Hey, can you hold this? -What's my name? Skip?
-Oh , yeah , man . -I want some cocaine.
No, no. That's not coke.
-Hey! -H i .
-I'm Iooking for a bachelor party? -Oh , yeah . It's right in there.
-Oh , thanks. -Yeah .
Mike.
-Thanks for doing this. -No problem .
Listen ...
I've been thinking a Iot about it, with the wedding coming up.
I don't have many friends who know me, you know?
And I gotta pick a best man .
-So I was thinking-- -I slept with Marissa.
Kyle, did you hear me?
Yeah .
I know this probably means the end of the our friendship again .
And you'II probably have to call off the wedding .
-I know it hurts right now, but maybe-- -Mike, shut the fuck up!
Just shut up, okay?
She told me what happened .
She said you were drunk and you made a sloppy move,
and she called you fat and pathetic.
-That's not what happened . -I don't care what happened .
If you love someone, you should care what happened .
Yeah , well , I don't!
I'm done caring .
I just want someone who wants to be with me.
And start a family and be happy.
You should still break up with her.
You're a fucking idiot.
You don't think I know what you're doing?
I know you don't Iike her. I know my mom and sisters don't.
-Nobody likes her! -Nobody likes you , Mike!
I am the only one who Iikes you .
And I don't know why because you're fucking toxic.
You're loud and obnoxious, and you're an asshole!
I know I'm an asshole.
And I know no one Iikes me. I don't Iike me!
Okay?
Man , I'm not a happy person anymore.
And that's okay.
You know, but you're Kyle. You're the best person I know.
You make people around you happier just by being yourself.
I'm sorry if what I did killed a Iittle bit of that. But she's not right for you .
And I'm not saying that because I don't Iike her.
Which I don't at all .
She's not right for you because she doesn't want you the way you are.
She wants some other version of you
that fits what she's Iooking for, but fuck that!
That's not what Iove's about.
It's difficult and it's complicated .
And it's painful .
And it doesn't go away.
Man , she's not good enough for you .
And I'm not good enough for you .
If I really cared about you , I'd just leave you alone.
-Kyle? Kyle? -Help!
-Holy shit! Kyle! -Help me!
-Help! Help! -Hold on!
Kyle!
Kyle! Holy shit.
Kyle! Kyle!
Kyle!
-Oh , my God . -Oh , God .
Holy shit. Okay.
Oh , my God . Are you okay?
You're okay.
Fuck.
Holy shit.
Oh , God .
Hey, how much of that did you hear?
What I was saying .
Hey, Kyle. It's Michael .
I'm not sure if you've been getting any of my messages.
But I was gonna see a movie Iater.
Maybe tonight.
Or now, if you wanted to come.
I could also go tomorrow if you're free,
but today's my birthday, so I figured I would do that.
So, yeah , call me back, man . All right, bye.
-Hello ? -Hey, Marissa. It's M ike.
Are you with Kyle? Because I've been trying to get ahold of him and I--
Hello?
Get out of the road !
Fucking asshole.
Hey, can I get one ticket?
Sure. For which movie?
The one that's playing now, I guess.
Okay. That'Il be 7.50.
Okay. Do you guys still have that thing where it's free on your birthday?
-Yeah . -It's my birthday.
-Can I see your Iicense? -Yeah .
No, actually. I don't have a license at the moment.
It's a whole thing .
We need some kind of I D for the birthday special . Sorry.
I've-- I mean, I've got...
I got, Iike, that.
-I don't know if I can take this. -It's a social security card .
Yeah , but it's not a valid form of I D.
-It's the most valid form of I D. -It doesn't have your picture on it.
PIease join us in prayer.
Be attentive to our prayers, O Lord .
And in your kindness, pour out your grace on these, your servants,
Kyle and Marissa,
that coming together before your altar,
they may be confirmed in love for one another
through Christ, our Lord , amen .
Amen .
Thank you for joining us in this joyous celebration .
Now the groom's sisters, Bianca and Dana,
will read from the book of Ephesians.
I'm actually gonna read from Revelation .
Chapter 2, verse 1 0.
"Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer.
Behold , the devil shall cast some of you into prison that you may be tried .
And ye shall have tribulation 1 0 days.
Be thou faithful unto death and I will give thee a crown of Iife."
A reading from Ephesians.
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord .
For the husband is head of the wife,
even as Christ is head of the church .
And he is the savior of the body."
Thank you , Your Honor.
Through Christ, our Lord , amen .
Amen .
PIease join us in prayer.
Let's go.
--And assume the responsibilities of married Iife.
-Oh , this is gonna be good . -And in this church .
I object.
Excuse me, sir. There's no objection in this ceremony.
-I'm sorry, Father. He's my best friend . -Sir, get out of my church !
-Wait a second , Iet him speak. -Oh , boy.
-Don't marry her, Kyle. -No!
No, no, no!
-Let me go! -Hey.
-It's okay. -Hey, hey, hey.
-Oh , my God . Your veil . -This is my wedding !
-Are you all right? -Yeah .
Sometimes you get knocked down , you got to get right back in there.
-Fuck is he doing wearing white? -Mike!
Kyle.
What are you doing , man?
You deserve to be with someone who Ioves you ...
for who you are.
This beautiful man .
You're a beautiful man .
And I Iove you .
And so does everyone here.
Or at Ieast the people on this side.
I just don't think she loves you .
Kyle.
I love you .
-Maybe, but you definitely don't Iove her-- -Mike, shut up.
Wait.
-Do you Iove me? -Yes.
Why do you Iove me?
Because...
Because you're driven and because you always get what you want.
And you never Iisten when people say no.
You're always pushing me to do things that I don't wanna do and constantly change--
That--? That's why?
Do you really think that this is my master plan?
That I wanted to get married to the guy that I broke up with after high school?
Because it's not.
But I don't know what I want and I don't know what I need ,
but I do know that I Iove you .
And I didn't expect to, but I do.
You didn't Iet me finish .
I was trying to say that all those things...
that's what I need .
I love that you push me
because it makes me change and otherwise I'd stay the same.
And I don't wanna stay the same.
And you're so funny and beautiful .
I love you .
I love you too.
Hey, can I just say--?
-No. -Mike.
-Because I had a whole-- -I'm pregnant. We're getting married .
Oh , my God .
A baby?
Just go.
Grandma Suzi .
-That was awesome. -Thanks.
I knew she was pregnant.
-I think we need to take a moment-- -No, no, no.
We're good . We're ready.
Matrimony demands full consent from both parties.
We consent. Kyle, do you consent?
-I do. -Great.
I'm going to insist that we hold off on this until you both have had a chance
to think about this incredible decision you're going to make.
-Are you serious? -Oh , I am serious.
Fifty-one percent of marriages end in divorce,
and pregnancy can create undue pressure.
I encourage both of you to consider the magnitude of this decision
so you may return here without coercion , freely and wholeheartedly.
When?
After the child's born .
What the fuck?
Sorry, Father.
Shit.
Hey, Mike. You know how much Ionger it's gonna be?
I'm repairing a bike, Gary. This isn't McDonald's.
Word .
Where have you been riding this thing? It's all corroded .
It Iooks Iike it's been in the ocean .
You know, mostly I take it on the bike path .
But, yeah , I've been going down to the beach lately.
Trying to meet people since my mom passed .
You know, it's a talk thing .
Like, people, you know, bring their dogs and you talk about the dog .
-Hey. -You're like, "Look at my bike.
Is that a pink bike? That's good exercise--"
Gary, I have a customer.
Yeah , sure.
What do you want?
Can I get a cappuccino?
Sure.
Are you looking to buy a bike?
No.
He misses you .
-I'm sorry, what? -He misses you .
-Thank you . -Sure.
-How much do I owe you? -It's on me.
-You sure? -Yeah .
Hey, if you're handing out free 'puccinos, I'Il take one.
You know if your--? Is your bathroom working?
Gary, please go outside.
-Okay. Yeah , no problem, man . -Out.
Why are you here?
-Hey. -Just wanted to talk to you .
If I were you ...
You want a cowboy?
So cute.
You want this?
I know. That's what I was saying .
Saying :
-Hey, trade? -Yeah .
-Here's the cactus. -Thank you . Cactus.
Oh , shit. I forgot my card in there.
-Can you grab it for me? -Sure.
"People are not lazy. They simply have impotent goals."
What does "impotent" mean?
It means that you can't, Iike...
That you have trouble doing something , you know?
"A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action
and that there's no action you haven't truly decided ."
-Hey, baby, did you finish your homework? -No, not yet.
Okay, well , maybe what we can do is finish your homework
and then we can get back to reading Tony Robbins, okay?
-Okay. -Okay.
Do you want one pancake or two?
-One pancake or two? -One.
One.
Okay.
Just one for you .
Four for me.
Oh , Jesus Christ.
-Mom ! -Sorry.
-Okay.
-Sorry. -AII right.
Sorry.
This one didn't break.
Great.
I'Il get it. I'Il clean it up.
-I'Il get some glue or something . -AII right.
Hey, what did we say about the glasses?
We said that I get the glassware and you get the plates.
-Is that cool? -Yeah .
Hey, you gotta move your truck, man .
Okay, hold on . Yeah , give me a second .
Hey, stop beeping your fucking horn !
-Hey, you need to move your truck. -Go around !
Don't you move this car.
I said , stop beeping your fucking horn !
-Move your truck! -Fuck you !
Hey, buddy! There's no chance in fucking hell I'm moving this truck now!
Hey! Stop beeping your fucking horn !
Really? Really? Come on , motherfucker.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. -Come on !
-No, no. Look, man , I'm fucking sorry.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
You fuck! Move the fucking truck!
Asshole!
-You got something to say? -Nothing, no.
-You wanna say something? -Nothing . I got nothing .
Fucking motherfucker.
Kyle, I'Il be right back!
Okay!
What's going on?
-Driving school . -Oh , Jesus.
Sorry. Mike broke a plate.
Okay.
It's a great house.
Yeah .
Listen , I'm gonna talk to Otis's teacher about the whole math thing .
Oh , yeah . Thank you .
I e-mailed her, but it will be good if you talk to her
because, you know, she Iikes you better.
Sorry. The horn's like...
Let's go.
I'Il see you .
Hey, Mike, can you--? I got it, I got it.
Can you just hold on to these?
Mike, the car. Mike, the car!
Sorry.
You got to put the break on , man .
Bye.
Why do you still have tapes?
Dad !
-Careful ! -Dad , wait for me!
Dad , wait!
Dad !
-Hey. -Dad , why didn't you wait for me?
The house is, Iike, three houses down .
You're okay. Don't worry. You got some chocolate on your face.
I read that 70 percent of long-term prison inmates are a product of divorce.
-That's not funny. -I agree. It's not funny at all .
It's tragic.
-How you doing? -Good .
Good .
You're riding great.
Those training wheels are slowing him down . You know that, right?
He needs them .
He wouldn't need them if you taught him how to ride a bike.
Mike, we talked about this. You don't get a say.
I'm not trying to get a say. I'm just saying that, like, he's a natural athlete, and ...
Listen , I already made a decision . It's his choice.
Hey, Otis.
Wanna take those training wheels off and ride a bike like an actual person?
Yeah .
Okay, fine.
-You want to? -Yeah .
AII right. Here we go. Let's pull over.
Here you go. Stop, stop, stop.
Yeah , there you go. Okay.
Fuck. Goddamn it.
Dad !
Sorry.
-You want some help with this? -No, I got it.
God !
-Kyle, I have a tool . -No, I got it.
AII right.
Okay, Otis.
AII right, so riding a bike is just Iike riding a bike with training wheels, okay?
You just look straight ahead , don't Iook down .
And if you get freaked out, you just put your feet down and stop, okay?
-Okay. -AII right.
Go ahead and get on . And don't be scared , okay?
-I'm not scared . -Okay.
I'm just saying , if you are scared , that's okay.
-I'm not. -Okay.
Hey, Otis, when you crash , just get back on the bike, you know?
-Really? -Yeah .
He's gonna crash so he should know what to do when that happens.
Why are you putting it in his head?
I'm not. I'm just telling him so he has an understanding-- He's riding .
-Otis! Otis, keep pedaling ! Oh , my God . -Oh , shit.
-Otis, are you hurt? Are you okay? -Yeah .
-Which one? -I'm okay.
Okay.
Now, listen , man .
Sometimes in Iife, we fall down and it hurts, okay?
But that's when it's important for us to get back on the bike and ride.
I know. U ncle Mike just said that.
-Hey, Otis. You want some more Orangina? -No, I'm good .
-Okay. -Just take it easy, okay?
Just take a moment.
God , this is so stressful .
He's fine, I'm telling you . Oh , he's going again .
Oh , shit. Okay.
-He's going ! -You're doing great! Keep pedaling !
-You're doing great, Otis! -Oh , my gosh . He is doing great.
-Holy shit, he's going really fast. -He's going really fast.
-Great work, Otis. -Great work.
-He's got a great cadence, you know? -Yeah .
-Takes after-- -Mike, stop.
I'm just saying , he's a natural athlete.
That has to be genetic.
Just keep pedaling . Stay to the side so Mom doesn't get mad at me.
There you go.
Look at you !
Look at you ! This is amazing .
Oh , yeah .
-I could do a high five. -H igh-fiving M ike?
That was a close one! No high-fiving .
-Let's go. Keep going . -Keep going , we gotta push it!
Out of the saddle! Out of the saddle!
-Push ! Mush , mush , mush ! -I got it.