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[host] Pete Correale, give it up!
[audience cheering, applauding]
[cheering]
Good evening!
What is going on, everybody?
Thank you for coming out.
- [audience applauding] - All right.
We're all settled down.
I'm excited to be here.
I've been here all day, in this town.
- [audience laughing] - I have.
I've been the whole town.
Which means, I went to the pizza place.
[audience laugh]
Gotta love Bucks County, man.
[audience laugh, cheer]
From the quaint little coffee shops...
I was at a coffee shop today,
one-person bathroom.
That's what we got going now.
Everyone was complaining about,
you know, men's and women's, and identifying.
Now we just have one-person bathrooms
and we all just gotta wait.
When someone's in the bathroom and you're waiting,
how long are you expected to wait
before you can knock...
and say, "Are you dead in there?"
Without being the asshole for doing that, right?
Like, I gave a little knock once going, "Are you all right, man?"
And the guy goes, "Yo, whoever's in there,
why don't you give him a minute?"
I'm like, "Guy, I gave him 27 minutes, man.
I could have watched a sitcom. What are they doing,
transcribing The Quran in there?"
"What the fuck?"
[audience laughing]
This is my move now,
whenever I get up to a bathroom,
even though I know it's already occupied,
I do a hard jiggle on the handle.
- [audience laugh] - Huh?
And they, inevitably, always go, "Someone's in here!"
And then I go, "Oh, I'm sorry!"
But in my head, I'm thinking,
"And now, you know somebody's out here."
"So let's put this into overdrive, all right?"
Man, if they still take too long,
my next move is I jiggle it again.
But I pretend I'm somebody else.
Right?
And in my original character, I say to the second jiggler,
I go, "Yeah, no. I'm actually next."
"There's a line." Right?
- Ha! - [audience laughing]
The guy in there going, "Oh, shit.
Now there's two people out there?"
[chuckles]
I'm telling you, by the time I'm done,
they think there's a town hall meeting
going on on the other side.
They come out, it's just me.
They're looking both ways, right?
Everybody else died of septic shock.
I'm the only one left.
So...
[clicks tongue] It's nice to be out, right?
Getting some laughs.
A lot of dissension in this country right now.
Don't worry, I don't get political.
We don't have to worry about that.
But whatever's going on in this country,
it's all a deal, you know?
I just don't like when foreigners
start interjecting.
Right?
I was doing a gig in Toronto,
I got a couple of buddies that are Canadian,
we're doing a few shows together,
having a couple of drinks afterwards.
One of my buddies goes, "Yeah, your president, Trump,
but I wouldn't wanna have him running our country."
Oh, I couldn't even bite my tongue.
I'm like, "Bro,
I don't even know who your guy is."
[audience laughing]
I wanna put this into perspective, all right?
I'm in your country,
and I don't even know who the guy is
in charge of it.
And by the way, my guy
is in charge of your country too.
Don't kid yourself.
- Don't kid yourself. - [audience laughing]
- [man 1] Yeah! - "Canada..."
Are you kidding me?
I love the Canadians, but let's be honest,
eighty percent of the entire Canadian population,
lives within 50 miles of the American border.
You understand what I'm saying?
They're hovering over the velvet ropes,
dying to get in!
Now, with our deficit,
I don't know if you read about this,
twenty-two trillion, right, the deficit?
Apparently, they were talking about selling Montana
to Canada,
to pay off the deficit. [groans]
I'm like, "Why don't we just take Canada?"
Why sell anything? Let's just take it!
That's 'cause that deficit, it's up to 22 trillion, man,
we owe China.. Again, I don't get political.
But people get in my face with it,
they're like, "China owns us."
"Get ready. China owns us."
I'm here to tell you, don't even worry about it.
It doesn't matter, because,
we're not fucking payin' them back.
- [audience laugh] - [clears throat]
I mean, that's one of those it's a joke,
but it's not a joke-joke, you know what I'm saying?
You don't chip away at 22 trillion.
Really... and you're going,
"Oh, we knocked it down to 19 trill..."
Well, you just wake up one day
and say, "You know what, screw this,
I'm not paying anybody.
Yeah, you do what you gotta do,
I'll do what I gotta do. All right? Yeah."
That's what I'd do if I was running for president,
I'd go, "I'll get rid of the deficit
my first day in office."
[chuckles]
Everybody's like, "How would he do that?"
I wouldn't tell nobody, you gotta vote for me, baby!
I'm not gonna tell you, you gotta spin the wheel.
"Can he do it? Can he can?"
Maybe enough people get in that voting booth
and they see your name, they're like,
"Ah, let's give it a shot!
- Frick it." - [audience laughing]
My first day in office,
I'll just show that building in New York City,
where you see all the... [stuttering]
the deficit on the wall of the building,
and just constantly keeps shooting up.
And just have a camera on, "Is everybody looking?"
Then I just press a button.
Boom. Zero. There you go.
Go tell your friends. Spread the word.
Bet China will be watching our TV going,
"Ah, shit. That's a problem."
"That's gonna be a problem."
[man 2] Let's see.
[audience laughing]
[clears throat]
So, I love this small-town vibe.
I live in a small town, Upstate New York,
called Fredonia, New York, so.
[crowd cheer]
Yeah, it's a lot like this, but,
our taxes are like one month worth of your taxes.
I couldn't believe it, when I moved to this town,
it's like an hour outside of Buffalo.
Long story, my wife is from the area.
I first moved out, it was out of Main Street,
with a buddy, we're going in to have a couple beers.
I didn't feed the meter.
And he goes... I go, "Is that gonna be a problem?"
He goes, "Well, if you don't mind
getting jacked seven dollars."
Seven dollars?
That's the fine for not feeding the meter!
I'm like, "I'm gonna keep it here monthly, bro."
[audience laughing, applauding]
I lived in New York City for 22 years,
that's a cup of coffee.
You know, everyone's employed by the factory.
"Now, if the factory shuts down, we'll have to move."
My story's a little different,
if Delta shuts down,
I gotta move.
That's how I fly out of Buffalo, Delta.
It's my preferred airline.
Delta serves peanuts, pretzels, and cookies.
If you fly Delta, you would know that.
No, you would. 'Cause they say it
to every single passenger.
It's a little bizarre, man.
Like, there'll be three of you in a row,
"Would you like peanuts, pretzels, cookies?"
"Peanuts, pretzels, cookies?" What?
I'm like, "You had to pass me twice,
to get to them."
"They probably heard it two rows up."
Like, what I'm thinking, I'm sitting there going,
"You better ask me, don't assume I heard that shit."
"Don't assume I heard that shit."
It's gotta be a Delta rule, man.
I feel bad for the flight attendants.
They must be laying in bed in their own home,
the husband's like, "Good morning, baby."
And she's like, "Peanuts, pretzels, cookies?"
[blabbering]
He's like, "Baby, you're home."
"You're home, baby. You're home."
[sobbing] "Oh, no."
[chuckles]
- Mm. - [woman 1] Oh, yeah.
You drinking, man? You got a drink going?
What do you mean no? What am I, a Broadway play?
Get a goddamn drink, guy.
This guy is just staring at me like he's waiting for me
to break into Othello or something.
[audience cheer]
Even I'm drinking, and I'm performing, guy.
[audience laughing]
You know, those airline snacks.
We can't get enough of them, right?
I fly early, that's my thing. I always fly early.
If there's a problem, you got time to fix it.
I fly so early,
I got to the gate once, coffee shops not even open yet.
It's just me, and a guy about my age,
and he's in a wheelchair.
And we're both waiting to get coffee.
Now, he gets a phone call,
coffee shop opens,
I figure, let me treat the guy, right?
I come back, I give him the coffee.
He thanks me, he introduces himself,
and we shake hands.
Now, no sooner do we finish shaking hands,
the guy...
gets out of the wheelchair.
[audience laughing]
[scoffs]
[chuckles]
Now considering I just physically shook his hand,
as you could imagine, my first thought was,
"I think I just healed this guy."
- [audience laughing] - [chuckles]
I don't even know what protocol is.
"Do we call the Pope, what do we do?"
"Do I... do I not wash the hand?"
And then he sees this stunned look in my eye
and he goes, "Oh, no. I work for the airport."
"Pushing people when the planes get in."
"And I just got in early, you know?"
[scoffs]
Well, you don't... You don't sit in the wheelchair, guy.
Do you think I'm gonna go, "No, even though you're in it,
I assumed you could walk by the way you're wiggling in it.
Of course, then my next thought was,
"This guy owes me two-fifty for the coffee."
[clears throat, exhales]
But those airline snacks, right?
I fly again on Flint,
I get, like, 5 a.m. flight,
and you just hear, like, all these little Styrofoam bags,
everyone trying to open up the pretzels.
Five a.m., right?
I mean, if you were in your own kitchen at 5 a.m.,
and you opened up a cabinet and saw the pretzels,
you wouldn't eat them.
What are we doing?
[audience laughing]
We can't... I've had a flight once,
5:30 in the morning, flight attendant comes on,
tells us they're out of pretzels.
They're not gonna be serving pretzels.
And the guy sitting right next to me
mumbles to himself out loud.
And he goes, "Goddamn it."
- [chuckles] - [audience laughing]
Like, what? Does this guy fly Delta just for the pretzels?
Like, they're not Auntie Annie's, guy.
You ever see people
put the airline snacks in their bag for later?
Oh, my god. How white trash is that?
What the... How does that even play out, man?
Okay, you're on your couch at home.
And your wife's like, "I'd love a snack."
And you're like, "Well, get the Delta pretzels, baby."
[audience laughing]
[exhales sharply]
[clears throat, clicks tongue]
[woman 2] Airplane snacks is the best.
I had a flight once, 5:30 in the morning.
The flight attendant comes on, tells us
there's a child onboard, allergic to peanuts.
And then they're not gonna be serving peanuts.
Now, listen, I have a child too. I understand.
I'm not getting into all that, I'm just saying,
the minute you hear it that someone,
a child is allergic to peanuts...
It's just human nature.
It's like Murder on the Orient Express.
You're just looking around
trying to see if you can figure out which kid it is
that can't eat the peanuts.
"It's probably the redhead.
It's gotta be the redhead." [chuckles]
[audience laughing]
Then the pilot comes on ten minutes later.
He thanks us again for not eating the peanuts.
I mean, it's 5:30 in the morning.
Who's eating peanuts?
If the pilot came on
and said there was a child onboard, allergic to coffee,
he'd had been dead by 5:45.
[audience laughing]
I gotta say, when you're allergic to peanuts, man,
I mean, how allergic is allergic?
You gotta ask yourself, right?
Like if I opened up a little bag of peanuts
all the way in the front of the plane,
right, if that kid was all the way in the back.
Right, if I'm just like...
[audience laughing]
And just give a little tear.
Just a little tear, like...
[imitates wrapper ripping]
Like, all of a sudden, you're gonna hear
in the back of the plane, just a little...
[coughs]
I'll be like,
"Holy shit!"
[audience laughing]
And then the pilot gets on. [imitates static]
"Somebody with the audacity to be eating peanuts right now?
Is that what I'm hearing? Is somebody eating peanuts?"
I doubt it, right?
I feel like I could eat the whole bag of peanuts
then go up to the mother at the baggage carousel
just be like, "I just wanted you to know, lady.
Your kid's full of shit."
[audience laughing]
I don't wanna sound ignorant.
I know this is ignorant.
But when you're not allergic to the thing,
it's hard to wrap your head around it, right?
Like, if I get stung by a bee, nothing happens to me.
If I'm with somebody and they get stung by bee
and their head swells up,
I feel like they're being lazy, right?
I feel like I can be like, "De-swell that.
De-swell that."
"It's embarrassing. What are you doing?"
Asparagus, a perfect example, right?
A lot of people eat asparagus,
later on, you pee that night and it smells like asparagus.
That never happened to me. I thought it was witchcraft.
- [audience laugh] - Right?
Then in my late 30's,
I musta had a chemical change in my body.
I had a little asparagus one night.
Later that night, I'm at a bar.
I'm in the bathroom, peeing next to a friend,
and my friend's like... [sniffs]
"Is that asparagus I'm smelling right now?"
I was so excited.
I'm like, "Yes, dude! Wow!"
Not even a hint, man.
It smelled like I was boiling asparagus
for 20 men.
Holy shit!
No other food do you eat,
and then piss and it smells like it.
Right, you're never gonna be in the bathroom
with your buddies going, "What is that?"
"The shrimp scampi I'm smelling right now?
Is that what you had for today?"
[audience laughing]
[exhales deeply]
Oh, we didn't eat the peanuts.
Flying is stressful.
I was complaining to my brother,
he goes, "You gotta go Southwest, man.
That's my airline."
Southwest.
-You pick your own seat, -[woman 3] Yeah.
For those of you who might not know.
When you're walking down
the aisle of a Southwest airline,
you can sit wherever you want.
So I gave it a shot.
It's too much pressure.
I would rather just be assigned a seat.
'Cause all you wanna do is sit next to a normal person.
That's your goal at the end of the day.
When you fly Southwest,
you're literally scouting before you get on.
You're seeing people get on before you
and you're making notes like,
"Oh, don't go next to that guy.
I can tell by the vest,
he takes his shoes off halfway through the flight."
"Mental note, mental note. Avoid that one."
"Oh, we got a dog. We got a dog coming on.
Forget that."
And that's the thing,
'cause you gotta decide. You got a split second.
When you get on the Southwest flight,
you're walking down,
there's a line of people in front of you,
and you gotta walk and you gotta make a quick judgment.
And once you pass someone, there's no going back.
There are people ridin' your ass.
Right? You gotta go like, "That one, that one?
That one? That one?"
Then you do a peek down. You're like,
"Ah! It's losers the rest of the way."
Then the guy behind you, he's like,
"Get your stuff. It must be a nightmare down there!
Find what you can! Find what you can!"
[audience laughing]
That's how quick it goes down.
[audience laughing]
Then my brother said, "No,
you gotta pay a few extra bucks, you get on the plane first,
and you can sit wherever you want."
So I did that route one time too, which worked.
You get on, every seat's available.
Very nice.
Problem is,
these Southwest flights all sell out.
So eventually, somebody's gonna be sitting next to you.
So now, this a whole different kind of pressure.
'Cause now, as people are coming down the aisle,
depending on what they look like,
I'm making myself more or less appealing
- to sit next to. - [audience laugh]
[chuckles]
I mean they're not... Look, I got a guy
in a hunting jacket, leaning over,
I won't even look at him.
I'm rubbing my balls, picking my nose.
I'm like, "What are you contemplating, guy?
Take it to the back. This is not happening.
Even if you sit here, I'm getting up."
He's like a bear and I'm playing dead.
[imitates bear growling]
[audience laughing]
Then you get a nice normal lady coming down the aisle.
Oh, for... I'm practically lighting candles.
I got incense going.
I'm like, "I do nails halfway through the flight."
That's the thing too, you ever see somebody
thinking about sitting next to you,
and then they decide not to?
How offended are you?
I'm like mumbling to the lady as she's going down the aisle,
like, "I don't know what you think is down there, lady,
I've been down there. There ain't nothing down there!"
It is stressful flying, all right?
Every aspect of flying is stressful.
Like, my wife, she gave me this face cream for my birthday,
it cost 50 dollars a bottle.
Right away, it comes with instructions from her.
She's like, "Make it last. It's 50 dollars.
You just need four dimes every night.
Dime, dime, dime, dime.
Don't blob it on.
It's not Nivea."
[audience laughing]
Then I got to go through the airport security,
"Oh, here we go." They don't want to let me through
with the face cream.
[groans]
Don't you love it too, when the TSA people
start giving you suggestions that like aren't even realistic?
Right? Like, the lady looks at me and she goes,
"Well, do you have a friend that you could call
that would come pick up the face cream?"
[all laughing]
Like, what, you got a friend
that would do that for you, lady?
Are friends actually doing that for each other?
I mean, maybe I need new friends?
I don't even have a friend that would pick me up.
[panting]
I don't even know how I would make that phone call
without laughing my ass off halfway through.
Seriously?
You're gonna call up your friend,
"Hey, friend. Do you mind driving an hour and ten minutes
to JFK Airport, you pick up my face cream?
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] "Yeah, yeah.
Then I'll tell you when I land a week later,
you drop that shit back off."
"Oh, you're a peach, bro. You're a peach."
[audience laughing]
That's why I drive. Wherever possible.
I got a 2006 Subaru Outback.
[audience cheer]
Yeah, all right, man.
- [man 3] The Roo! - Been through a lot together.
Been through a lot together with the Roo.
I had a recall on the Roo, recently.
Apparently, the passenger side airbag could blow up.
I had to take her in for a recall.
My Roo and I, we've been through a lot.
Anyone with a vehicle, you go... you go through a lot.
Your vehicle becomes like family.
You ever rubbed the dashboard...
going up the hill in really cold weather?
I had my Subaru in minus three degrees.
I'm like, "You got this, girl.
You got this."
I feel like it matters.
It's like rubbing a horse's neck.
I go in through the Roo recall.
I've never done that before.
I walk in, they go, "No problem, sir."
"We'll take your car, it'll take about an hour and a half.
You just sit tight, and have some coffee,
and we'll let you know once it's done."
No sooner do I sit down,
attractive lady who works for Subaru
comes walking up with her clipboard.
She goes, "I just want you to know
we did a quick evaluation of your vehicle,
and this is what it's currently worth."
You know, which is nothing.
And devastating to hear, like,
I didn't ask for this information.
And she goes, "If you want, we could take this
and put it towards a new vehicle,
and you could be driving out in one of these beauties
in less than a half hour.
Now, this is... [stutters]
all happening so fast.
And it's so insensitive.
It's my vehicle.
Looking at it through the window
with the dash coming apart
and what do you... I'm telling you, man.
I'm only bringing it up because it's happening with cars
before you know it,
it's gonna be happening with us, as humans.
Men, you're gonna be in there and getting a quadruple bypass,
the nurse is gonna come out
and go up to your wife,
"Listen, before we cut this warhorse open...
I just wanna let you know we got three men
in their early 30's, on the other side of the wall here,
dying to take you out for a steak dinner."
[audience laughing]
[clicks tongue, chuckles]
I go Valvoline, that's my...
that's my oil, people. I go to Valvoline.
Valvoline, they bring the dipstick
into the waiting room.
To show you that they filled up the oil.
Oh, how nice is that.
I'm literally on the phone with my wife,
he comes walking in. I'm like, "Yeah, what'd he say?"
I'm like, "Oh, hold on, baby, he's showing me the dipstick."
"Please, Mr. Correale, I just wanted to show you,
filtered all the way up, right there."
I'm like, "Beautiful, man. Thank you very much."
I know nothing about cars!
And the guy can walk in
and show me it, completely dry, and go,
"I totally drained all the oil out of the car.
It's bone dry."
I'd go, "Beautiful. Get that oil outta there.
And take that shit."
[audience laughing]
I was making an appointment with Valvoline recently.
They had me on hold,
and I had it on speaker.
And "Take It To the Limit" by the Eagles was playing.
And, uh, my wife comes walking down the stairs
starts babbling right away, and I go,
"Hold on, they're about to pick up.
They're about to pick up."
And she goes, "Oh, my god, why do you think that?
Because the song is ending?"
Which is really what I thought.
We all do that. You ever on hold,
and when your song ends... You do.
You think they're gonna pick up.
Which is bizarre.
'Cause that means I think there's a guy in Valvoline
hovering over the phone...
listening to the Eagle's song going,
♪ Take it to the limit ♪
♪ One more time ♪
"Valvoline."
[audience laughing]
I got a lot of like you people have around here too.
Got a lot of the deer crossing signs.
Which always perplexed me, you know?
You ever driving along, you have woods
for ten miles on either side of you.
All of a sudden you get to the 11th mile
there's a sign saying,
"Deer crossing next four miles."
What about the last ten?
[chuckles]
How are you so confident...
that you didn't even need a sign?
Did a guy go to put up a sign and the other guy goes,
"Forget the sign, Tommy. We don't need the sign.
We don't need the sign."
"No, we had a sit down with the deers, years and years ago.
We worked it all out."
That's the only legitimate way, right?
Like hundreds of years ago,
did like, one highway representative
sit down with one deer
representing all the "deers."
That's how long ago this was,
they were still called "deers" back then.
[audience laughing]
And the highway guy said to the deer,
"If you can get all the other deer
to cross between Exit 42
and Exit 43,
I think I can get all my people to slow down
when we go through that area."
- [chuckles] - [audience laughing]
And the deer goes,
"No, no, no. You want us to walk up a mile
to cross over to come back down a mile
to get to the pond, to drink?
No, no, no. I gotta go back to the other deers with more.
You gotta give me more. I gotta go back with more."
"All right, all right, all right.
- All right, all right." - [audience laugh]
The highway guy said, "How about this?
From now on, when there's more than just one of you,
it's still just deer."
[audience laughing]
"We drop the 's'."
"Only fish have that right now."
And the deer went, "That's hard. That's hard.
I think I can go back to the other 'deers' with that."
And he go, "Wait a minute, you mean,
you mean the other 'deer'?"
- "Ah. I already like it!" - [audience laugh]
[chuckles, inhales deeply]
That's why we do 55.
[woman 4] Yeah.
Have you ever tried to do a sustained 55?
Like, literally just do 55?
I'm like, "Are we even moving?
Are we even fucking moving right now?
Jesus Christ!
I wanna put it in park and walk out of protest."
"Henry Ford is rolling over his grave right now."
"Step on it!"
I got a lot of 65 where I live, in New York,
right at the throughway. I passed a cop recently.
Let me explain the situation.
The cop was doing 65
in a 65.
You ever have that?
Then we all line up behind him.
"All right, here we go."
"What am I, a parade float? What are we doing right now?"
I'm even giving him that smile through the windshield.
"Hey, I always do 65."
[inhales deeply] But in my head, I'm like,
"Guy, as soon as you get off, I gotta do 85,
to make up for the 75
I would normally be doing right now."
Even my GPS was going off.
It was like, "Is there a cop in front of us?
What the fuck are we doing?"
- [audience laughing] - [chuckling]
And the cop wasn't getting off.
We kept passing every exit.
I'm looking at my wife, like,
"What, is he on a road trip with the cop car?"
"He's out of his jurisdiction."
"Is he stealing it?"
I'm like, "I gotta pass."
"I gotta do 'the pass'."
That's what I do.
Whenever I'm gonna break the law in my vehicle,
I announce it to everybody else in the vehicle.
Like, if I'm gonna make an illegal U-turn,
I'm like, "I'm banging a U-ey.
Everybody, get ready. I'm banging a U-ey.
Get ready, get ready."
I don't even know what that means for everybody else.
Duck? I'm not sure.
"I'm just letting you know I'm about to do a violation,
and whatever you gotta do to be comfortable with that,
get comfortable."
[audience laughing]
I mean, I say it so clearly,
that if a cop pulled me over
and I try to talk my way out of it,
if I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't realize I couldn't make that turn."
The cop would be looking and he'd go,
"Yeah, I read your lips through the windshield...
[chuckles]
saying you're gonna 'bang a U-ey.'"
[chuckles]
[groaning]
That's what I did, though.
I slowly pass the cop,
I'm doing 70.
He's doing 65.
You ever do that slow five-mile-an-hour pass?
Oh, god. Your heart is pounding the entire time.
It's like walking past a pit bull in your flip-flops.
You're like, "Oh. Oh, god."
[audience laughing]
I'm just giving the cop the look through the window
the whole time, like,
"Are you cool with this?"
"Give me a nod. Give me smile.
Let me know you're cool with this."
Right? I mean, you can't let me slowly pass you.
And then you light me up.
That's a weak move, right?
Gotta at least give me that two-finger wave, like,
"Hey, hey, take it back, G.
Take it back, hero."
[chuckles]
I'm like, "I apologize."
"I didn't realize the parade wasn't over yet."
[chuckling]
[sighs]
That's what I did, though, I just slowly passed him.
And then you gotta get back in front of him.
You're like, "Oh, god.
I'm getting back in front of ya, huh?
The balls!"
And you just slowly drive off.
And you know all the other cars are whispering,
"Oh, this guy's out of his fucking mind."
School speed limits have gotten the most...
intense.
Anyone my age and older,
and there's quite a few of you out there.
[chuckles]
No, I'm saying though, all of us adults and beyond,
come on, right?
Remember when we were all growing up?
People will pass at our schools at like 45 miles an hour.
If they did 50,
and a teacher happened to be outside
smoking a cigarette...
the teacher might go, "Whoa! There's kids!"
[blows air]
[audience laughing]
Oh, come on, you pass a school now,
we got the speed bumps, the flashing lights,
SWAT teams hiding in the bushes!
My daughter's in kindergarten,
and at one point, the speed limit in front of her school
goes down to five.
Five! Okay.
If you don't step on the gas pedal,
the car does seven.
I, I can't even make it do five.
I can do spurts of sevens.
"Seven, stop. Seven, stop.
Seven, stop."
Or I could just open up the door and put it in neutral
and roll the goddamn thing through like The Flintstones.
[audience laughing]
That's why I think the school speed limit passing every school
should be directly correlated
to how well the children are performing at that school.
- [audience laughing] - [chuckles]
Right? Come on.
Motivation for the kids.
And it helps with house hunting.
When you have to know in a hurry,
"Is it a good school district?"
"Uh, well, they all do an 85 past the high school."
[audience laughing]
I do appreciate you coming out,
'cause, come on, let's be honest, you got a lot...
Today and now, where we live, a lot of entertainment choices.
Netflix alone, come on.
By the way, with Netflix, can we tone it down a little bit
with people ranting and raving about how many options...
"Netflix has so much, they have so..." No.
Netflix has a lot of shit.
That you have to sift through,
to get to the good stuff.
Have you ever scrolled through the movies in Netflix?
Man, it don't take long
before you ain't sniffing a movie star.
I'm like, "Oh, man. There's not even a Baldwin brother
in any of these."
"Is that my neighbor Larry in that one?
Is Larry in a movie?
Hey, baby, Larry's in a movie!"
That's why when you get
a good recommendation for Netflix,
it's like a drug.
I come home, I'm telling my wife,
"Are we gonna do this? You sure you wanna watch it?
Apparently we're gonna stay up late,
we're gonna blow the kid off."
And what do we always say, right?
"We'll watch one. We'll just watch one," right?
That's the problem, you try to watch one on these shows
you go on Netflix, you try to watch one,
then you go to bed.
And as you're going to bed, the screen's like,
"Next episode in five,
four, three,
two, one..."
Next thing you know, it's four in the morning.
I'm like, "No Season Two? Come on!"
"What are we doing?"
- [man 4] That's good. - [woman 5] It's true, though.
When I get into something, man, I have to hear every line.
Like, I'm watching a movie recently,
and the guy leaves the room.
And he said something, but I don't, I don't catch it.
So I turned to my wife and went, "What'd he say?"
And she goes, "I didn't hear it, either."
I'm like, "Well, then, why aren't you asking me?"
[scoffs] All right? She's like,
"You don't have to hear every line, Peter."
I'm like, "I don't know why he left the room,
I don't know what's going on." And now you gotta rewind.
For all the money Netflix has,
they gotta work on the rewind and fast-forward, man.
I'm just trying to go back a little.
I'm like, "All right, stop, stop. Stop!"
My wife's yelling at me,
"You're going all the way back to the beginning.
Oh, god. Here we go, all the way back.
Opening credits."
matters so much."
"Bullshit. Can't believe this."
Now I'm fast-forwarding.
I'm like, "All right, stop, stop. Stop!
Stop, stop!"
Now, she's yelling at me,
"Here we go, we're seeing the whole thing.
All right, here we go, the whole goddamn movie.
Everything. Ending credits.
Put something on else now 'cause we just saw it."
Ten minutes later,
I'm finally getting it right where I want it.
In my head, I'm like, "Oh, man,
this guy better say something really...
important, right now."
And he's like, "Goodbye."
[audience laughing]
"Okay, he's leaving. He's not coming back.
Now I know he's officially not."
- [audience laughing] - [woman 6] Oh, my gosh.
We're watching a movie recently,
at one point, the woman turns to the man
and goes,
"Well, you know what they say, behind every great man
there's an even greater woman."
And my wife paused the movie.
I knew she would. I knew she would, but...
I'm on the edge of the couch.
She's like, "You hear that, behind every great man
there's an even greater woman."
I'm like, "Well, I am wallowing away
in mediocrity over here."
[audience laughing]
"So, you might wanna step up."
I'm watching a movie about two months ago.
I go to have my ice cream. That's my snack.
Freezer burnt.
- [man 6] Aw. - Oh, you have no idea, man.
That's my Saturday night, man!
So I'm like, "All hope is not lost.
It might just be at top level.
I still gotta do a deep dig, deep dive."
And as I'm sticking the spoon,
you can hear all the crystals breaking up,
I'm like, "All the way through.
All the way through!"
And my wife goes, "Well, just calm down.
Just put it back in the freezer
and we'll return it tomorrow to the supermarket."
I'm like, "Grown men do not return ice cream."
She's like, "Well, then, I guess you're just out five bucks."
I'm like, "Well, either that, or I guess I'll just have
to shoplift five dollars' worth of shit
the next time we go to the supermarket."
- [audience laughing] - [gasps]
Not all at once.
Like, I was in the bakery section,
you know where you get your donuts
and you put them in a white wax bag.
I got four donuts, I put them in the bag.
I get them to the register.
Right? And right away, the lady's like,
"How many donuts in the bag?"
I'm like, "Two."
You have no idea how scary that is
until it's actually going down.
Oh, my god, man.
It was like I was trying to get heroin across the border.
Over my head, I'm like, "Oh, god.
Just swipe the bag, lady.
Swipe the bag, swipe the bag!"
We're walking out, my wife is whispering,
"It's 55 cents a donut,
why would you even put us in that situation?"
[chuckles] I'm like,
"'Cause of the freezer burnt ice cream!
Just keep walking, keep walking."
[audience laughing]
We were out in the parking lot and she's like,
"What would you have done if they opened up the bag
and saw four donuts?"
I go, I would just have just been like,
'My wife must have put two more donuts in there...
when I wasn't paying attention.'"
I mean, it's called acting!
Really, man. I don't know why we're so enamored
with movie stars.
We act every day of our lives,
better than they do.
Right? Come on, how many people, you go to work,
you see someone you don't particularly care for,
you're like, "Good to see you."
And they're like, "You too."
And, scene.
[audience laughing]
Calling in sick for work.
[audience laughing]
That's some of the best acting work
we ever do in our entire lives.
I was writing on a sitcom last year.
I needed a particular day off.
You know that? When you need a particular day off?
And you're like, "I could ask for that day off,
but if they don't give it to me,
I'm still not gonna be there that day."
"So, I'm gonna have to go with a call-in-sick...
Just gonna have to call..." It's a burden.
[stutters] It weighs on you.
It's on your own personal calendar,
you're like, "Oh, that's the day I gotta call in sick.
That's the day I gotta do
my three-day acting tour de force."
'Cause when I call in sick,
I don't just call in sick on the call-in-sick day,
I start acting sick around the office
two days prior
to the call-in-sick day.
It's, it's a... You ever have, like,
it'll be like a few days
before you're gonna start pretending you're sick?
I used to work front desk at a hotel
and this happened one time.
The guy with me, he's like,
"We're gonna be alone on Sunday."
And I was gonna call in sick Sunday.
"It's just gonna be me and you on Sunday.
I already took a look at the schedule.
We're gonna be getting slammed,
so make sure you're ready."
Out of my head, I go to him,
"Yeah, no, absolutely, man. I'll be ready."
But in my head, I'm like,
"Think again, you better be double ready."
"You have no idea how slammed you're gonna be on Sunday."
You feel bad.
But you can't tell him.
You know, you just wanna be, like, "Guy,
I just want you to prepare for the storm.
I'm fucking calling in sick, I'm sure."
Well, that's what I do.
Three days prior to the call-in-sick day,
I start acting a little sick.
Little things, you know, a little cough here and there.
Normally, I drink coffee, but instead, I have tea.
Do a hard dip with the bag until someone sees.
"I want somebody to see this."
[audience laughing]
Then somebody's like, "You drinking tea, Pete?
I thought you have coffee usually?"
I go like, "Yeah, no, there's something with my throat.
I don't know, something's going down."
- And, scene! - [audience laughing]
One time, I was acting sick, though,
and the guy's like, "Whoa, man, you sound bad.
You should probably go home, man,
I think you're getting sick."
But in my head, I'm like, "No, no.
I'll be sick Wednesday. I'm fine today."
"Wednesday. Wednesday, I'll be sick."
[audience laughing]
I don't act much, or at all, really,
in movies and TV.
I did a show once,
and the director apparently, was at the show.
He wanted to meet me in the green room.
Uh, and they're like, "He's a fan of yours."
"He's, uh, you know, an important guy."
I had very little time. I couldn't even Google him.
So I walk in to meet the guy.
And he's like, "Hey, nice to meet you."
I'm like, "Hey, nice to meet you.
Big fan of your work."
That's what you say. That's what you say.
He's like, "Thanks, 'cause I'm a real big fan of you."
And then he goes, "Did you do any acting? A lot of acting?
Like, what's the last thing I may have ever
seen you act in?"
That's what he said to me. I just wanted to be, like,
"Guy, this room. Two minutes ago...
when I said I'm a fan of your work."
"I don't even know who you are."
"And you bought that, so, we're good. I got it. I can act"
I don't, I don't think 'cause of the accent,
that's why I don't really do a lot of acting.
[clicks tongue]
I don't mind. I mean have a very thick...
Could you tell? I mean...
Can you tell I'm from Kansas, sir?
- It's, uh... - [audience laughing]
I don't mind having my New York, Long Island accent.
It is what it is, baby.
- [crowd cheering] - But let's be honest,
you know,
the minute you start talking with this accent,
nobody ever thinks, "Oh, there's a genius."
[scoffs]
I wish I could lose the accent sometimes,
that's all.
Like, my wife and I went to get a mortgage on the house,
so I had to get a bank loan.
Before we walk in, my wife goes,
"When we go in there, try not to sound
all goombah."
[inhales] That was the note.
"Don't sound goombah."
Right away, the bank lady comes up,
she's like, "Good afternoon."
I'm like, "Hey, how you doin'?" You know?
Then she has to walk away to get something.
My wife looks at me, "'How you doin'?
How you doin'?'"
"God, what, are you ordering a pastrami sandwich at a deli?"
[audience laughing]
We got the house. We got to move.
We got a five-year-old daughter, man.
And we moved to this small town.
Started anew in this small town, she's in kindergarten now.
Any parent knows.
Don't you love when your kid comes home,
and they act like they've learned something at school
that you don't know yet?
I mean, don't get me wrong, by third grade,
that'll start happening. I'm aware of that.
But I'd like to think I would be the valedictorian
of kindergarten.
Look, they had a fireman come to the school.
Now, my, my daughter comes home, we're having dinner,
and she's like, "Dad, when there's a fire,
you stop, drop, and roll."
And she said it with such conviction.
That I had to be like, "Yeah, no,
if it's near you, absolutely.
But if it's upstairs and you're downstairs,
you know, then you just run out."
[audience laughing]
Right? [chuckles]
She's already at that age giving me the lip,
"Uh, no, Dad. You stop, drop, and roll."
Now I'm like, "Uh, yeah, if it's near you!"
And then my wife goes, "Gosh,
she's just telling you what to do."
I go, "Yeah, and I'm telling her, man.
Fix the error.
We can't just shoot and agree... we'd go and agree,
she's gotta know what's the deal."
"On a fire, all of her friends are running out,
and she's rolling around like a goddamn pinball."
[chuckles]
So everyone's like, "What happened
with Correale's kid?"
"She wouldn't get up. She just kept rolling around."
[blabbering]
Like one of those vacuums
that eventually hits every crevice.
Now, more than ever,
we were into it with the safety with the kids,
right?
Like, I got these two big porches,
I got this old, Victorian house.
It's a total money pit of a house, man.
My daughter and her friends, they'll sit out on the porch.
People jog by,
and they just yell out, "Hi",
until the person says "Hi" back.
My neighbor's like, "You think that's safe?
Them saying hi to everyone?" I'm like, "Oh, god, what?
Do you want me to put chicken wire
around the thing?"
You gotta admit though, right?
I mean, like, I'll see these headlines where it says,
"Attempted child abduction."
"Attempted", like, they didn't get it done.
I don't wanna sound crass,
but I mean, if you can't get a kid into a van...
Nah, seriously?
You know what you need to get my daughter into a van?
- A van. That's it. - [audience laughing]
That's it.
You pull up, you open up that van door,
she'll be right there, "What you got in there?
What you got in there?"
It would be more difficult to keep her out of the van.
They're giving her a light shove.
"Get away from the van, kid, all right?"
A cop would pull up, "What's going on?"
And they go, "I'm trying to drop off a carpet,
the kid keeps trying to climb into the goddamn van."
Everyone has their own methods
in dealing with trying to help in...
to keep their kid safe.
I got something I gotta share with ya.
I call it the "Inappropriate Touch Test."
- [chuckles] - [man 8] Oh, god.
No, 'cause that's my big fear, right?
The kids get touched.
I taught my daughter, look,
"If anyone ever touches you
or sticks their hand down your butt,
you stop and yell,
'No, no. Mommy, Daddy!' And run away."
We do dry runs around the house.
Like, my wife and I will be having coffee,
my kid walks into the kitchen,
I put my hand down her butt, she goes,
"No, no. Mommy, Daddy!"
Then she runs away and she comes back,
we fist bump, blow it up.
- [chuckles] - [audience laugh]
Then my wife goes, "She's got it down."
I'm like, "Yeah, I don't know."
"I think I, I think I gotta run around a real track now."
I mean, she's got the drill down.
Right? My wife's like, "She's got it down."
Like, "She's got the drill down.
That's what she's got. That's what, you know."
Like, and then, my best friend since I was in third grade,
him and his wife came to visit last summer.
They have no kids.
Spent two days with us.
Went to the beach one day.
Now it's the next day,
he's met my daughter now for about 24 hours,
we're making dinner.
I'm explaining my whole
"Inappropriate Touch Test" to him.
Of course, he calls me a sick bastard.
- Let's get that out of the way. - [audience laughing]
My daughter's on the iPad.
I go, "I need you to go over and just give her a little rub.
It'd be perfect right now."
By the way, little side note.
Any parent knows, that iPad,
well, I could give my daughter the iPad,
and I could go to Miami for the weekend.
That's not even an exaggeration.
So my buddy goes up,
and then he goes, "Hold up, I'll do it."
He just gives a light, on the back, he's like,
"Hey, what are you doing, sweety?"
And she goes, "That tickles!"
[audience laughing]
I come walking out of the kitchen,
I go, "No. It's, 'No, no. Mommy, Daddy!' Right?"
And she goes, "No, that's our game, Dad."
- [chuckles] - [audience laughing, applauding]
Oh. And my buddy goes,
"I think you got a bigger problem
on your hands now, bro."
[inhales deeply] Right?
That's all I need, is my daughter in school
on a rainy day.
The teacher's like, "Does anyone have any games
you play at home with your family or anything?"
And my daughter's like, "Sometimes my Dad
sticks his hand down my ass,
then we fist bump and blow it up."
[laughs]
Teacher's like, "All right, everybody, heads down.
I have to make a quick phone call, heads down.
Heads down."
[audience laughing]
But, uh...
I don't know.
I like where I live, though.
Beatnik-ey.
I got a neighbor who's an artist.
And I went to, uh...
He's a painter. And I went to, like, a show
with his paintings and some others.
That's a tough racket, man.
I mean, I tell jokes.
If I tell a joke and you don't laugh,
all right, I suck.
Clear. Cut dry.
I go to see this guy's paintings, right?
He's got a beautiful painting
with a tree, and this, and that.
There's another one next to his.
His is going for 400,
the other one's going for four grand.
I'm like, "Who decides?"
And they're like, "There's a curator that like
looks at them and makes the decision."
Um, if I was a painter,
and I did the 400 dollar one,
oh, god, right away, I'd be like,
"Where's the fucking curator?"
"Get the curator, get the curator.
I got a tree. He's got a tree."
"He's got a sun. I got a sun.
Who is this guy that just decides?"
These curators, right?
Like, Picasso, perfect example.
Did everything Picasso paint,
was it just automatically a masterpiece?
Really, he would just take the brush...
[rasping]
"Call the Louvre."
[audience laughing]
"Don Pablo's got another one."
Jackson Pollock, the drip guy.
Right, I mean, are you kidding me?
This guy wasn't a good painter.
He painted, finished the painting,
and it wasn't that good.
And then he looked down at the floor, and said,
"The floor looks fantastic."
That's what he did, the drippings.
I'm not even kidding, there was a documentary
where Pollock, true story,
called his wife from upstairs to come down,
after he did his first drip painting.
And he said to her, "Is this art?"
[scoffs] "Guy, if you gotta ask...
you already got your answer.
It's a goddamn drop cloth."
Then the curator came in and said,
"It's a masterpiece!"
Everyone's like, "It's a masterpiece."
And everybody started drippin'.
Drip, drip, drip!
It's a crazy world, that art world.
And they take as long as they want, right?
You can't tell an artist how long to take.
No other job could you do that.
Got a plumber come in, and you go,
"How long is this job gonna take?"
Imagine if your plumber went,
"Two days, two weeks, two months...
When I feel it."
"Your negative energy just added six months to the project.
I'll tell you that much right now."
Michelangelo took 14 years to paint the Sistine Chapel.
Fourteen years to paint the ceiling.
You think that was in the contract?
I mean, after the third year,
they must have been walking in there, whispering, like,
"Oh, god. Here he is again with the fucking ladder."
They're just yelling up, "We just wanted it white!"
"What the fuck, guy?"
He's like, "You're going to love it!
You might be dead,
but your family, they will love."
That's how the Italians really talk over there
when we're not there.
[clicks tongue]
Well, let's be honest, you know,
as far as painting the ceiling at a chapel,
well, everyone, anyone who's Catholic,
really, any religion,
but I'm Catholic, and we all know
churches need to be aesthetically
as beautiful as possible
to get through the hour.
We need as much shit to look at.
To get through one hour.
I just stare at the ceilings,
I'm like, "Are those custom built? Look at those."
"More importantly, was that 30 seconds
I just spent right there, staring at the ceiling?"
And we go to church a lot now.
'Cause my daughter's five, my wife thinks it's important.
Four o'clock mass, every Saturday.
That's when we go to church.
We're gonna take the funnest day of the week
and slice that shit
right in half.
Even in the summer.
Come on, have you ever been in church
and you can smell barbecues?
Why are you in church?
Shit!
We've been at the lake, me and my daughter in the lake,
and my wife would yell, like, "Guys, come on.
We gotta go to church!"
I'm running out of the water going,
"Don't yell that shit out loud!
You know how weird you sound?"
Even if Jesus was in the water,
he'd be like, "Fuck it, we're not doing it today."
"Got a hot game of Marco Polo going on right here."
[audience laughing]
The first time we brought my daughter to church,
I don't shave that often, and we walk in,
and there's a statue of Jesus with a beard,
and she looks up at the statue
and she yells out,
"Daddy!" [laughs]
I look at my wife, I go, "The kid thinks I'm Jesus."
"My work is done."
[audience laughing]
Do these priest not know
we can't wait to get outta there?
Like, do they not know?
Have we been so polite that nobody has ever told them?
'Cause they show no sign of realizing
we can't wait to get the fuck outta there.
Right? It's amazing.
It blows my mind, I mean, like,
you know, has anyone ever been to church
where the priest goes, "Church has ended",
and then seeing someone go, "Come on, no. Five more!
Five more."
We just want the bread, and they just want the money.
That's it.
I need the body of Christ.
Especially if you have a big week.
It's like a rabbit's foot, it's good luck.
"I need the bread. I got a lot going on this week,
I need the bread."
That's the thing, when you go to church,
at least in my church,
and you go to get the body of Christ, the bread,
there's two lines.
One is the priest.
And another line, is some guy in a men's warehouse suit.
Whatever. It's just some dude in a cheap suit.
And he's doling out the bread too.
I always tell my wife,
"Don't get the bread from the guy in the suit.
It's not as powerful."
[chuckles]
What is he even doing?
Who is that guy, right?
I mean, like come on, that would be like
if you were at a Benihana
and you got the Asian guy slicing up your food,
then he walks away and another guy walks up,
"Hi, I'm Keith. I'm gonna be finishing up here."
"Um, look, no, Keith. I'm need the guy with the thing,
it's the whole thing, Keith.
It's the whole thing."
The guy in the cheap suit is usually the guy who later on
gets the money.
Churches do it two different ways.
Some churches do a basket hand from person to person.
That's a little more civil.
My church does the stick on the end of the basket.
So the guy does the lunge.
[audience laughing]
And if you don't put in,
he "eyesballs" you for two more lunges.
Like, just a...
"I'll be back for you. I come back two more times."
[chuckles]
These priests, don't they know, we would go to church more often
if they would shorten it, man.
I cursed in church last Christmas Eve.
I literally cursed.
I walked in there, it was a full choir
that's not normally there.
I see the whole choir and I go, "Oh, shit."
All right.
And my wife goes, "Why, you don't like the music?"
I go, "No, I like the music
if it's gonna take away from the priest's talk time."
"But if the music is gonna be tacked on
to the entire mass,
then shut the music down, man.
Shut it down."
Why, do they need it?
Now, if I was a priest, I would do that,
as a little gift to my parishioners.
Every once in a while,
I would have a really short mass.
And you'll never know when it was coming.
That's what would make it so exciting, man.
You'd just be driving to church,
"I hope it's one of the short ones."
- [chuckles] - [audience laughing]
I'm talking super short, man.
I'm talking five minutes before church starts,
I'm looking at the altar boy,
and the organ guy.
I'm like, "Start up the organ.
Get the bread ready. As soon as they come in,
we're going right into the bread."
[audience laugh]
Can you imagine that, as soon as you walk in,
the priest is like, "This is the body of Christ!"
Everyone's like, "Holy shit.
Keep your coats on.
We're gonna be outta here in five minutes."
[Pete chuckles]
[exhales deeply]
I'd do a drive-by with the bread.
Once a week.
Like a bank, every Wednesday, five to seven.
You just pull up the whole family in the car,
like when you go to a Rite Aid for drugs.
As the priest, I just get on the mic,
"How many gettin' in the car, four?
Give me four pieces of bread."
I just hand it through the car.
I bless the whole car. Boom, there you go.
I ended up in a graveyard with my daughter, we had a...
Real quick, I'll tell you this one.
We were on a three-bike ride.
I have my daughter on the back of a...
little trailer hitch thing.
And my wife was on another bike.
My daughter fell asleep.
And then, I get a flat tire.
So I told my wife, "All right,
I'll undo this, you take the bike back.
I'm gonna take her. She's still sleeping.
I'll walk her through this old graveyard,
I'll meet you at the... in the old cemetery."
My daughter still sleeping,
I got her in this little back trailer thing on the bike.
And then we get in the cemetery,
and I'm waiting for my wife,
and I'm leaning against a tree, and my daughter wakes up.
Now, when she fell asleep, she was on the back of a bike.
Now there's no bike, no Mom,
she's in the middle of an old cemetery
with big giant angel statues.
And then she sees her dad sitting against a tree
ten yards away.
I couldn't resist, man.
I just looked at her, I'm like, "We died."
[audience laughing]
"This is where you go when you're waiting for Jesus."
My wife comes walking up, "Hey, guys!"
She's like, "Daddy said we died!"
My wife's like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I'm like, "What' s wrong with you?
Cursing in a cemetery? Get it together.
Get it together."
[sighs]
Oh, man.
I like the small-town living, though.
Certain aspects, others...
Like, I got a mouse, I had a mouse recently.
Oh, boy.
You don't even see the mouse at first.
I can't be the only one, right?
You ever like, like, we come down,
I see the little mouse droplings.
On the kitchen counter, oh.
Anyway, I'm in denial.
I'm looking at my wife, I'm like,
"Did you have a bagel?"
[audience laughing]
And you know it's not poppy seeds.
You know it's not as you're saying it.
Do the mice know they're shitting everywhere?
I always wonder, right?
Like, you think the mice were ever looking through the hole,
watching us set up the trap,
they're like, "Oh, they're setting up the trap again.
How the hell they know we're out there?"
The other mouse is like,
"'Cause you're shittin' everywhere, Phil.
Just fresh...
Why don't you just leave a goddamn map?"
"Is that me? I don't even know I'm doing that.
I need one of those things that the horses have
in Central Park."
But that's what we do, we set the metal trap,
we put a little peanut butter on the end of it.
I'm talking ten days straight,
I wake up, peanut butter gone, trap's not snappin'.
So now, I gotta go to my local hardware store.
To go see Tomee, with a double "e".
That's what he tells you when you meet him.
He's like, "It's Tomee, with a double 'e'."
I...
wasn't gonna send you a Christmas card,
but good to know.
[audience laughing]
I told him my situation,
and he said the trap's not snapping
because my mouse was too light.
Which was a little hard to understand,
considering the mouse had gone through
a jar and a half of Skippy peanut butter.
You would think it would be a little clogged up
at this point.
He must be on a little treadmill in between the sheetrock.
Banging out three miles a day.
He says that I gotta put down a glue trap.
Now, I don't know anyone in this room
who's ever used a glue trap to catch,
to catch a mouse, knows,
these glue traps
need to come with a little warning sign that says,
"Are you emotionally prepared...
to see this through?"
[audience laughing]
"Do you understand..."
Like it needs to come with a diagram on the back
showing a mouse wiggling.
'Cause you just don't think about it.
I come down the next morning and I see something.
I'm like yelling to my wife, "It's alive!"
[audience laughing]
My wife comes in. We're both looking at it, wiggling.
And she's like, "Oh, my god. We have to help it."
That's what she said. I go, "Well, I mean, technically,
we're trying to kill it. That's what you mean, right?
By helping it, you mean kill it quickly?
Is that what you mean?"
Then she goes, "Let's fill up the sink
and then we'll dunk it in the water in the sink."
I'm like, "You want to waterboard the mouse?"
[audience laughing]
Then she goes, "God, to hell with this."
And she grabs a knife out of the butcher block.
Now, I've been married almost 20 years.
The entire time, I thought my wife was Polish,
in this exact moment,
I'm like, "Oh, this broad is Russian."
"She's been lying, man!"
Then she turns the knife to the dull side,
presses it against the mouse's neck,
and with her free fingers, she pets its head
while she euthanizes the mouse
right next to the toaster.
This is more than I signed up for
on a Wednesday, man.
[audience laughing]
A couple days later, I'm back in the hardware store,
I see Tomee, with a double "e".
He's like, "Did you get a mouse?"
I'm like, "Oh, we got one."
He's like, "How do you know there's not more?"
I'm like, "Bro, even if there were more,
once they all witnessed the execution...
there's no more mice in Fredonia."
I'm gonna hang one guy, come on.
I gotta... I, I buried my dog. We had a dog.
We had to bury it in our backyard.
Illegally.
We go out now, every Christmas Eve.
We started a tradition.
We light a candle, we sing a few Christmas carols
- by the dog's grave. - [woman 7] Aw.
My father heard me say that too, right?
And he goes, "Oh, when I die, are you gonna come to my grave
every Christmas Eve and light a candle?"
[chuckles] And I go, "If you're buried
behind my garage, yeah."
[audience laugh]
[chuckles]
Let's not forget the convenience factor going on here.
A Christmas tradition.
My wife loves Christmas.
This past summer, she goes, she literally goes,
"We have to start thinking about our Christmas card."
'Cause we always make a...
a funny Christmas card.
And she's like, "It's gonna be cold before you know it.
Winter's coming."
I'm like, "Listen, we gotta start thinking
about a new roof."
"Prioritize."
It's what I had. I got this old Victorian house,
my roof was such a nightmare.
That whenever there was like, any kind of a windstorm,
my roof shingles would end up in my neighbor's yards.
Like, my one neighbor came over one day,
with all my roof shingles in a bundle.
Kevin, my neighbor Kevin.
He's like, "This, this all fell in my yard.
Just wanna bring you back your roof shingles."
Then he leaves, and my wife goes,
"That was so considerate of Kevin."
I'm like, "Considerate?
That was Kevin's way of saying,
'Fix your white trash, piece of shit roof.'"
"Are you kidding me? Read the room!"
Like, Kevin's back to his wife right now going,
"Yeah, I dropped the shingles right on the fucking porch.
If they didn't get the message now,
they never will."
So I call three different roofers
to come take a look at my roof.
It's got three different levels, it's old Victorian.
I'm not kidding you, every one of these roofers,
in one form or another, said my roof was too high.
Like, the last guy, he didn't even get out of the truck.
He just looks up and he goes,
"Oh, yeah. No, I don't go that high."
What the fu...
I go, "No, bro. That's my line to you."
[chuckles] "I say I don't go that high,
so I called you."
Can a roofer even say that?
Can I report that shit?
Like, if the roof was down here,
I wouldn't need you. I would do it myself.
Or I would call a floorer.
[audience laughing]
That would be like an exterminator
coming out of your basement, going,
"Oh, those are big bugs. I do the little bugs.
Gotta call the big bug guy."
I literally didn't know what I was gonna do, right.
Then my father-in-law tells me
that he knows an old-time Amish guy
that used to do roofs.
He doesn't know if this guy still does roofs,
but he's got a phone number.
And he said that when you call,
you gotta let the phone ring for a long time.
They got one phone, on a pole,
in the middle of their Amish community.
And eventually, somebody will come answer that.
Lived in New York City for 22 years,
now my wife and I are calling an Amish guy.
So I'm like, 24 rings,
and my wife goes, "Anything yet? Anything yet?"
"Which, by the way, am I talking?
Am I fucking talking then, man?"
[audience laughing]
I couldn't bite my tongue, I'm like,
"Yeah, no, he picked up. I'm just ignoring him."
[audience laughing]
And she goes, "Well, where are they? God.
How many rings are we on?"
And I go, "I'm on 32 rings.
I don't know. Is this a lot of rings?"
But I don't wanna hang up,
and then talk to a guy who knows Amish people,
and he goes, "You hung up on 32 rings?
No, it's gotta ring like, 50, 60 times, guy."
The Amish guy answered
on like ring 38.
Thirty-eight rings, the Amish guy answers like this,
he goes, "Hel-lo."
[scoffs]
Like it's a breezy Sunday afternoon.
And he caught it on ring two.
Just a, "Hel-lo."
After 38 rings,
don't you expect someone to answer out of breath, like,
[screams] "Holy shit!"
"I was running through a cornfield,
what's up?"
"I can't believe you let it keep ringing!"
Fucking...
"Hel-lo."
So I tell him my situation.
He says he can come take a look at my roof.
Uh, but you know,
he can get to the Home Depot parking lot,
I gotta pick him up at the Home Depot parking lot.
He's the level of Amish
where he can't drive a motorized vehicle,
but he could be driven in a motorized vehicle.
Pretty convenient level of Amish to me.
[audience laughing]
Sounds a little bit like built-in Uber
from where I'm standing.
[chuckles] I would sign up for that shit.
I'd love to have that being Catholic, right?
You're in a bar, four in the morning.
"Billy, give me a ride home?
I mean, I'd drive myself,
but fucking Pope and the new rules and shit."
[snickers]
So I hang up. Right away, my wife goes,
"Way to go, you didn't figure out where
you're gonna meet him at the Home Depot."
I go, "Well, I guess I'll just have to look
for the guy dressed like a pilgrim."
"I mean...
Come on.
You act like he's gonna be in an Adidas tracksuit."
"Oh, there you are, Jebediah.
I didn't see you stretching over there."
There he was with the hat, and the overalls,
the beard, the whole thing, right?
Damn.
He gets in my 2006 Subaru Outback.
It's like 72 degrees out,
but I put the seat warmers on anyway.
I turn the air-condition on.
Radio on.
I'm doing the wiper fluid.
Any technology I had, I was firing it up!
Just my subtle way of saying,
"Look at all this shit you're missing out on, guy."
"What are you doing? It's crazy!"
I'm telling you, if I was driving a Lexus or a BMW,
by the time I hit my driveway,
he would have said, "I can't take it, I quit.
I'm not Amish anymore. I'm not Amish."
Man, when I'm driving the Amish guy too,
it's like,
could have took him straight home,
I went down Main Street.
Even though I didn't have to go down Main Street.
When you got an Amish guy in the car,
that's like having a deer
in the car.
I just wanted to see one buddy, to give him that look.
"Hey, what's up? What's up, guy?
Then I see my buddy at the bar later,
he's like, "Was there an Amish guy in the car?
"You saw that? You saw that?
I wanted you to see it, you saw that?"
[chuckles] "Yeah!
Yeah, he was in there. He was in there!"
- [chuckles] - [audience laughing]
And we pull up at my house, right?
Three roofers bail on this roof 'cause it's too high,
and the Amish guy gets out,
without skipping a beat,
he looks up at my roof and he goes,
"Do you have a ladder
that could get me all the way up there?"
I go, "No, man. I don't have a ladder that goes that high."
"Do you have a ladder that could get me up
to your porch roof?"
I said, "Yeah, no, I got a ladder for that."
So I get the ladder.
He climbs up to my porch roof, right.
Then he leans down, he grabs the ladder,
and pulls it up.
Puts it on the roof of the porch.
Climbs up to the next level, grabs the ladder again.
"Holy shit!" I can't even look at this point.
Like, my insurance doesn't cover this shit.
Like, I got a buddy who owns a carwash in town,
he lets me throw stuff in his dumpster
from time to time.
That's what's going through my head right now.
Yeah.
I'm like, "If this Amish guy falls off the roof,
I'm wrapping him in a carpet,
I'm throwing him in the goddamn carwash dumpster."
"He's got no cellphone on him, he's off the grid.
Nobody's gonna know!"
"It's no different than throwing a possum in the dumpster."
[audience laughing]
Then he gets up to the top level of my roof.
And like a Billy goat,
in seconds, he shimmies up
to the highest peak of my roof.
Leans against the chimney,
and lights up a corn cob pipe.
I go running in to my wife, I'm like,
"Get the camera. We got the Christmas card!
We got the Christmas card!"
Thank you so much for coming out, guys.
Thank you!
You guys are the best.
I had so much fun.
[audience applauding]
[upbeat music]