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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[host]
Pete Correale, give it up!

4
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[audience cheering, applauding]

5
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[cheering]

6
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Good evening!

7
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What is going on, everybody?

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00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:52,302
Thank you for coming out.

9
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:53,785
- [audience applauding]
- All right.

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We're all settled down.

11
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I'm excited to be here.

12
00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:58,141
I've been here all day,
in this town.

13
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- [audience laughing]
- I have.

14
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,354
I've been the whole town.

15
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Which means,
I went to the pizza place.

16
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[audience laugh]

17
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Gotta love Bucks County, man.

18
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:10,403
[audience laugh, cheer]

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From the quaint
little coffee shops...

20
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,200
I was at a coffee shop today,

21
00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:17,160
one-person bathroom.

22
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That's what we got going now.

23
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Everyone was complaining about,

24
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,831
you know, men's and women's,
and identifying.

25
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:23,875
Now we just have
one-person bathrooms

26
00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,752
and we all just gotta wait.

27
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:31,049
When someone's in the bathroom
and you're waiting,

28
00:01:31,132 --> 00:01:33,176
how long
are you expected to wait

29
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,636
before you can knock...

30
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,890
and say,
"Are you dead in there?"

31
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Without being the asshole
for doing that, right?

32
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:44,038
Like, I gave a little knock once
going, "Are you all right, man?"

33
00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:45,414
And the guy goes,
"Yo, whoever's in there,

34
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:46,718
why don't you give him
a minute?"

35
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,900
I'm like, "Guy, I gave him
27 minutes, man.

36
00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:51,069
I could have watched a sitcom.
What are they doing,

37
00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:52,862
transcribing
The Quran in there?"

38
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,322
"What the fuck?"

39
00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:57,617
[audience laughing]

40
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This is my move now,

41
00:01:58,660 --> 00:01:59,536
whenever I get up to a bathroom,

42
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:02,163
even though I know
it's already occupied,

43
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,249
I do a hard jiggle
on the handle.

44
00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,584
- [audience laugh]
- Huh?

45
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,212
And they, inevitably, always go,
"Someone's in here!"

46
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:10,755
And then I go, "Oh, I'm sorry!"

47
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,132
But in my head, I'm thinking,

48
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:14,426
"And now, you know
somebody's out here."

49
00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:19,472
"So let's put this
into overdrive, all right?"

50
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,309
Man, if they still
take too long,

51
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:26,021
my next move
is I jiggle it again.

52
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,481
But I pretend I'm somebody else.

53
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:30,859
Right?

54
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:33,129
And in my original character,
I say to the second jiggler,

55
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I go, "Yeah, no.
I'm actually next."

56
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,948
"There's a line." Right?

57
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:39,200
- Ha!
- [audience laughing]

58
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:40,618
The guy in there going,
"Oh, shit.

59
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,537
Now there's two people
out there?"

60
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:43,788
[chuckles]

61
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:44,539
I'm telling you,
by the time I'm done,

62
00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:47,042
they think
there's a town hall meeting

63
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,960
going on on the other side.

64
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They come out, it's just me.

65
00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:53,631
They're looking both ways,
right?

66
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,675
Everybody else died
of septic shock.

67
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:56,843
I'm the only one left.

68
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:02,682
So...

69
00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,311
[clicks tongue]
It's nice to be out, right?

70
00:03:06,394 --> 00:03:07,812
Getting some laughs.

71
00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:11,483
A lot of dissension
in this country right now.

72
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:12,984
Don't worry,
I don't get political.

73
00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:14,986
We don't have
to worry about that.

74
00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,738
But whatever's going on
in this country,

75
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:17,906
it's all a deal, you know?

76
00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,366
I just don't like
when foreigners

77
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,076
start interjecting.

78
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,077
Right?

79
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,078
I was doing a gig in Toronto,

80
00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,330
I got a couple of buddies
that are Canadian,

81
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:26,693
we're doing
a few shows together,

82
00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:27,624
having a couple of drinks
afterwards.

83
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:30,543
One of my buddies goes,
"Yeah, your president, Trump,

84
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,563
but I wouldn't wanna have him
running our country."

85
00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,673
Oh, I couldn't even
bite my tongue.

86
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:35,965
I'm like, "Bro,

87
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,759
I don't even know
who your guy is."

88
00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:39,761
[audience laughing]

89
00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:45,350
I wanna put this
into perspective, all right?

90
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,143
I'm in your country,

91
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,771
and I don't even know
who the guy is

92
00:03:49,854 --> 00:03:50,897
in charge of it.

93
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,067
And by the way, my guy

94
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:55,294
is in charge
of your country too.

95
00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:57,696
Don't kid yourself.

96
00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,131
- Don't kid yourself.
- [audience laughing]

97
00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:00,448
- [man 1] Yeah!
- "Canada..."

98
00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:01,866
Are you kidding me?

99
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:02,701
I love the Canadians,
but let's be honest,

100
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:06,871
eighty percent of
the entire Canadian population,

101
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:10,875
lives within 50 miles
of the American border.

102
00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,252
You understand what I'm saying?

103
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:14,546
They're hovering over
the velvet ropes,

104
00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:16,798
dying to get in!

105
00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:23,179
Now, with our deficit,

106
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,014
I don't know
if you read about this,

107
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,015
twenty-two trillion, right,
the deficit?

108
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:29,310
Apparently, they were
talking about selling Montana

109
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:31,229
to Canada,

110
00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:33,565
to pay off the deficit.
[groans]

111
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,900
I'm like, "Why don't we
just take Canada?"

112
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,571
Why sell anything?
Let's just take it!

113
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,992
That's 'cause that deficit,
it's up to 22 trillion, man,

114
00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:46,327
we owe China..
Again, I don't get political.

115
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,596
But people
get in my face with it,

116
00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:48,496
they're like, "China owns us."

117
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,623
"Get ready. China owns us."

118
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,876
I'm here to tell you,
don't even worry about it.

119
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,169
It doesn't matter, because,

120
00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:57,297
we're not fucking
payin' them back.

121
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,841
- [audience laugh]
- [clears throat]

122
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,320
I mean, that's one of those
it's a joke,

123
00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:05,847
but it's not a joke-joke,
you know what I'm saying?

124
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:10,435
You don't chip away
at 22 trillion.

125
00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:11,686
Really... and you're going,

126
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:15,607
"Oh, we knocked it down
to 19 trill..."

127
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,233
Well, you just wake up one day

128
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,777
and say, "You know
what, screw this,

129
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,445
I'm not paying anybody.

130
00:05:20,528 --> 00:05:21,780
Yeah, you do what you gotta do,

131
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,698
I'll do what I gotta do.
All right? Yeah."

132
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,346
That's what I'd do
if I was running for president,

133
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:29,829
I'd go, "I'll get rid
of the deficit

134
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,164
my first day in office."

135
00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:32,499
[chuckles]

136
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,416
Everybody's like,
"How would he do that?"

137
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,503
I wouldn't tell nobody,
you gotta vote for me, baby!

138
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:39,673
I'm not gonna tell you,
you gotta spin the wheel.

139
00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:42,592
"Can he do it? Can he can?"

140
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,469
Maybe enough people get
in that voting booth

141
00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:45,387
and they see your name,
they're like,

142
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:46,179
"Ah, let's give it a shot!

143
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:48,515
- Frick it."
- [audience laughing]

144
00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,016
My first day in office,

145
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,702
I'll just show that building
in New York City,

146
00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,520
where you see all the...
[stuttering]

147
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,522
the deficit
on the wall of the building,

148
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,816
and just constantly
keeps shooting up.

149
00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,585
And just have a camera on,
"Is everybody looking?"

150
00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:00,670
Then I just press a button.

151
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,737
Boom. Zero. There you go.

152
00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:05,615
Go tell your friends.
Spread the word.

153
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,575
Bet China will be watching
our TV going,

154
00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:10,412
"Ah, shit. That's a problem."

155
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,581
"That's gonna be a problem."

156
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:16,001
[man 2] Let's see.

157
00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:19,337
[audience laughing]

158
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,172
[clears throat]

159
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:23,216
So, I love this small-town vibe.

160
00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:25,468
I live in a small town,
Upstate New York,

161
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,345
called Fredonia, New York, so.

162
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:28,304
[crowd cheer]

163
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,490
Yeah, it's a lot like this, but,

164
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:33,101
our taxes are like
one month worth of your taxes.

165
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,414
I couldn't believe it,
when I moved to this town,

166
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:38,231
it's like an hour
outside of Buffalo.

167
00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:40,525
Long story,
my wife is from the area.

168
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:42,485
I first moved out,
it was out of Main Street,

169
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,609
with a buddy, we're going in
to have a couple beers.

170
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,156
I didn't feed the meter.

171
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:46,448
And he goes... I go,
"Is that gonna be a problem?"

172
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:46,990
He goes,
"Well, if you don't mind

173
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:50,076
getting jacked seven dollars."

174
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,578
Seven dollars?

175
00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:54,748
That's the fine
for not feeding the meter!

176
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,584
I'm like, "I'm gonna
keep it here monthly, bro."

177
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,878
[audience laughing, applauding]

178
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,423
I lived in New York City
for 22 years,

179
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,133
that's a cup of coffee.

180
00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,678
You know, everyone's employed
by the factory.

181
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,556
"Now, if the factory shuts down,
we'll have to move."

182
00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:13,058
My story's a little different,

183
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,934
if Delta shuts down,

184
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,186
I gotta move.

185
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,480
That's how I fly
out of Buffalo, Delta.

186
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:21,399
It's my preferred airline.

187
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:24,652
Delta serves peanuts, pretzels,
and cookies.

188
00:07:25,653 --> 00:07:27,572
If you fly Delta,
you would know that.

189
00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:28,990
No, you would.
'Cause they say it

190
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:31,159
to every single passenger.

191
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:32,535
It's a little bizarre, man.

192
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,579
Like, there'll be
three of you in a row,

193
00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,265
"Would you like peanuts,
pretzels, cookies?"

194
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:39,417
"Peanuts, pretzels, cookies?"
What?

195
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:42,128
I'm like,
"You had to pass me twice,

196
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,380
to get to them."

197
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,256
"They probably heard it
two rows up."

198
00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:48,194
Like, what I'm thinking,
I'm sitting there going,

199
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,595
"You better ask me,
don't assume I heard that shit."

200
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,765
"Don't assume
I heard that shit."

201
00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,727
It's gotta be a Delta rule, man.

202
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,438
I feel bad
for the flight attendants.

203
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,524
They must be laying in bed
in their own home,

204
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,168
the husband's like,
"Good morning, baby."

205
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,069
And she's like,
"Peanuts, pretzels, cookies?"

206
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,821
[blabbering]

207
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,280
He's like, "Baby, you're home."

208
00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:10,782
"You're home, baby.
You're home."

209
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,659
[sobbing]
"Oh, no."

210
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,078
[chuckles]

211
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:17,956
- Mm.
- [woman 1] Oh, yeah.

212
00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:19,791
You drinking, man?
You got a drink going?

213
00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:22,127
What do you mean no?
What am I, a Broadway play?

214
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,754
Get a goddamn drink, guy.

215
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,424
This guy is just staring at me
like he's waiting for me

216
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,884
to break into Othello
or something.

217
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,595
[audience cheer]

218
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,306
Even I'm drinking,
and I'm performing, guy.

219
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,060
[audience laughing]

220
00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:43,023
You know, those airline snacks.

221
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:45,984
We can't get enough
of them, right?

222
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,486
I fly early, that's my thing.
I always fly early.

223
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,989
If there's a problem,
you got time to fix it.

224
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,532
I fly so early,

225
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:54,993
I got to the gate once,
coffee shops not even open yet.

226
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,245
It's just me,
and a guy about my age,

227
00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:58,538
and he's in a wheelchair.

228
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:00,457
And we're both waiting
to get coffee.

229
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,167
Now, he gets a phone call,

230
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,418
coffee shop opens,

231
00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:04,085
I figure, let me treat
the guy, right?

232
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:06,963
I come back,
I give him the coffee.

233
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,090
He thanks me,
he introduces himself,

234
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,508
and we shake hands.

235
00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:12,844
Now, no sooner
do we finish shaking hands,

236
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,179
the guy...

237
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:16,181
gets out of the wheelchair.

238
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,391
[audience laughing]

239
00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:19,517
[scoffs]

240
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:21,061
[chuckles]

241
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:21,811
Now considering I just
physically shook his hand,

242
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,689
as you could imagine,
my first thought was,

243
00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,066
"I think
I just healed this guy."

244
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:28,735
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

245
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,445
I don't even know
what protocol is.

246
00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:32,322
"Do we call the Pope,
what do we do?"

247
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,949
"Do I...
do I not wash the hand?"

248
00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:39,079
And then he sees
this stunned look in my eye

249
00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:41,373
and he goes, "Oh, no.
I work for the airport."

250
00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:43,708
"Pushing people
when the planes get in."

251
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:46,127
"And I just got in early,
you know?"

252
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,046
[scoffs]

253
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:51,883
Well, you don't... You don't sit
in the wheelchair, guy.

254
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,694
Do you think I'm gonna go,
"No, even though you're in it,

255
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:56,763
I assumed you could walk by
the way you're wiggling in it.

256
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:00,910
Of course, then
my next thought was,

257
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,936
"This guy owes me two-fifty
for the coffee."

258
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,314
[clears throat, exhales]

259
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:10,568
But those airline snacks, right?

260
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:11,736
I fly again on Flint,

261
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,279
I get, like, 5 a.m. flight,

262
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:16,825
and you just hear, like,
all these little Styrofoam bags,

263
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:19,369
everyone trying to open up
the pretzels.

264
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,954
Five a.m., right?

265
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:23,039
I mean, if you were
in your own kitchen at 5 a.m.,

266
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:26,084
and you opened up a cabinet
and saw the pretzels,

267
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:27,419
you wouldn't eat them.

268
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,380
What are we doing?

269
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,674
[audience laughing]

270
00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:34,175
We can't...
I've had a flight once,

271
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:37,303
5:30 in the morning,
flight attendant comes on,

272
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:38,667
tells us
they're out of pretzels.

273
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,682
They're not gonna be
serving pretzels.

274
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,475
And the guy
sitting right next to me

275
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:43,935
mumbles to himself out loud.

276
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:46,646
And he goes, "Goddamn it."

277
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:49,441
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

278
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:53,570
Like, what? Does this guy
fly Delta just for the pretzels?

279
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,031
Like, they're not
Auntie Annie's, guy.

280
00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,659
You ever see people

281
00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:01,953
put the airline snacks
in their bag for later?

282
00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:05,206
Oh, my god.
How white trash is that?

283
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:09,627
What the... How does that
even play out, man?

284
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,212
Okay, you're on your couch
at home.

285
00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:12,896
And your wife's like,
"I'd love a snack."

286
00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:15,800
And you're like, "Well, get
the Delta pretzels, baby."

287
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,471
[audience laughing]

288
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:23,808
[exhales sharply]

289
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,143
[clears throat, clicks tongue]

290
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:25,894
[woman 2] Airplane snacks
is the best.

291
00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:28,646
I had a flight once,
5:30 in the morning.

292
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,082
The flight attendant
comes on, tells us

293
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:32,817
there's a child onboard,
allergic to peanuts.

294
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:35,320
And then they're not gonna be
serving peanuts.

295
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,364
Now, listen, I have a child too.
I understand.

296
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,491
I'm not getting into all that,
I'm just saying,

297
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,201
the minute you hear it
that someone,

298
00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:43,453
a child is allergic
to peanuts...

299
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,080
It's just human nature.

300
00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:46,706
It's like
Murder on the Orient Express.

301
00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:48,208
You're just looking around

302
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,727
trying to see if you can
figure out which kid it is

303
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,795
that can't eat the peanuts.

304
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,129
"It's probably the redhead.

305
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,690
It's gotta be the redhead."
[chuckles]

306
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,925
[audience laughing]

307
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:00,220
Then the pilot comes on
ten minutes later.

308
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:03,640
He thanks us again
for not eating the peanuts.

309
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:04,909
I mean,
it's 5:30 in the morning.

310
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:05,933
Who's eating peanuts?

311
00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,560
If the pilot came on

312
00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:10,355
and said there was a child
onboard, allergic to coffee,

313
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,190
he'd had been dead by 5:45.

314
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:15,110
[audience laughing]

315
00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:17,737
I gotta say, when you're
allergic to peanuts, man,

316
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:20,365
I mean,
how allergic is allergic?

317
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:22,117
You gotta ask yourself, right?

318
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:25,036
Like if I opened up
a little bag of peanuts

319
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,247
all the way
in the front of the plane,

320
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,958
right, if that kid
was all the way in the back.

321
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:31,459
Right, if I'm just like...

322
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,963
[audience laughing]

323
00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:36,464
And just give a little tear.

324
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:37,632
Just a little tear, like...

325
00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:39,009
[imitates wrapper ripping]

326
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:39,718
Like, all of a sudden,
you're gonna hear

327
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:41,553
in the back of the plane,
just a little...

328
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:42,887
[coughs]

329
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,181
I'll be like,

330
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,850
"Holy shit!"

331
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,478
[audience laughing]

332
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:56,026
And then the pilot gets on.
[imitates static]

333
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:59,571
"Somebody with the audacity
to be eating peanuts right now?

334
00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:02,032
Is that what I'm hearing?
Is somebody eating peanuts?"

335
00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,284
I doubt it, right?

336
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:06,661
I feel like I could eat
the whole bag of peanuts

337
00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:09,080
then go up to the mother
at the baggage carousel

338
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:10,808
just be like, "I just wanted you
to know, lady.

339
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,334
Your kid's full of shit."

340
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,545
[audience laughing]

341
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,590
I don't wanna sound ignorant.

342
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,008
I know this is ignorant.

343
00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:20,842
But when you're not allergic
to the thing,

344
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:24,054
it's hard to wrap your head
around it, right?

345
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:27,098
Like, if I get stung by a bee,
nothing happens to me.

346
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:29,476
If I'm with somebody
and they get stung by bee

347
00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,269
and their head swells up,

348
00:13:31,353 --> 00:13:35,065
I feel like
they're being lazy, right?

349
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,788
I feel like I can be like,
"De-swell that.

350
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,860
De-swell that."

351
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:41,071
"It's embarrassing.
What are you doing?"

352
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:45,116
Asparagus,
a perfect example, right?

353
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,868
A lot of people eat asparagus,

354
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:50,038
later on, you pee that night
and it smells like asparagus.

355
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:52,582
That never happened to me.
I thought it was witchcraft.

356
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,292
- [audience laugh]
- Right?

357
00:13:54,376 --> 00:13:55,710
Then in my late 30's,

358
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:58,004
I musta had a chemical change
in my body.

359
00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:00,674
I had a little asparagus
one night.

360
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,258
Later that night, I'm at a bar.

361
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,969
I'm in the bathroom,
peeing next to a friend,

362
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,304
and my friend's like...
[sniffs]

363
00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,390
"Is that asparagus
I'm smelling right now?"

364
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:10,433
I was so excited.

365
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,019
I'm like, "Yes, dude! Wow!"

366
00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:15,271
Not even a hint, man.

367
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:18,274
It smelled like
I was boiling asparagus

368
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,651
for 20 men.

369
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,445
Holy shit!

370
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:23,738
No other food do you eat,

371
00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:26,074
and then piss
and it smells like it.

372
00:14:26,157 --> 00:14:27,343
Right, you're never gonna be
in the bathroom

373
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,076
with your buddies going,
"What is that?"

374
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:30,453
"The shrimp scampi
I'm smelling right now?

375
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,163
Is that what you had for today?"

376
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:37,502
[audience laughing]

377
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,463
[exhales deeply]

378
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,924
Oh, we didn't eat the peanuts.

379
00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:44,676
Flying is stressful.

380
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:46,039
I was complaining to my brother,

381
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,595
he goes, "You gotta
go Southwest, man.

382
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,264
That's my airline."

383
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:50,473
Southwest.

384
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,141
-You pick your own seat,
-[woman 3] Yeah.

385
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:51,391
For those of you
who might not know.

386
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:52,225
When you're walking down

387
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:55,979
the aisle
of a Southwest airline,

388
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,939
you can sit wherever you want.

389
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,108
So I gave it a shot.

390
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:02,110
It's too much pressure.

391
00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:05,321
I would rather
just be assigned a seat.

392
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:08,867
'Cause all you wanna do
is sit next to a normal person.

393
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,470
That's your goal
at the end of the day.

394
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,495
When you fly Southwest,

395
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,999
you're literally scouting
before you get on.

396
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,834
You're seeing people get on
before you

397
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:18,793
and you're making notes like,

398
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,420
"Oh, don't go next to that guy.

399
00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:22,005
I can tell by the vest,

400
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,088
he takes his shoes off
halfway through the flight."

401
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,604
"Mental note, mental note.
Avoid that one."

402
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,762
"Oh, we got a dog.
We got a dog coming on.

403
00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:30,555
Forget that."

404
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,931
And that's the thing,

405
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,100
'cause you gotta decide.
You got a split second.

406
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:35,852
When you get on
the Southwest flight,

407
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,062
you're walking down,

408
00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:39,064
there's a line of people
in front of you,

409
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:41,292
and you gotta walk and you gotta
make a quick judgment.

410
00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:44,736
And once you pass someone,
there's no going back.

411
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:47,655
There are people
ridin' your ass.

412
00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:49,908
Right? You gotta go like,
"That one, that one?

413
00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:51,743
That one? That one?"

414
00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:53,054
Then you do a peek down.
You're like,

415
00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:56,164
"Ah! It's losers
the rest of the way."

416
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,707
Then the guy behind you,
he's like,

417
00:15:57,791 --> 00:16:00,001
"Get your stuff. It must be
a nightmare down there!

418
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:02,462
Find what you can!
Find what you can!"

419
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,798
[audience laughing]

420
00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,092
That's how quick it goes down.

421
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,182
[audience laughing]

422
00:16:15,225 --> 00:16:16,851
Then my brother said, "No,

423
00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:19,813
you gotta pay a few extra bucks,
you get on the plane first,

424
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,981
and you can sit
wherever you want."

425
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:24,275
So I did that route
one time too, which worked.

426
00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:26,403
You get on,
every seat's available.

427
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,486
Very nice.

428
00:16:27,529 --> 00:16:28,697
Problem is,

429
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,740
these Southwest flights
all sell out.

430
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:34,285
So eventually, somebody's
gonna be sitting next to you.

431
00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:37,455
So now, this a whole
different kind of pressure.

432
00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:40,458
'Cause now, as people
are coming down the aisle,

433
00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:42,127
depending on
what they look like,

434
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:45,338
I'm making myself more
or less appealing

435
00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:46,822
- to sit next to.
- [audience laugh]

436
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:48,842
[chuckles]

437
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:49,467
I mean they're not...
Look, I got a guy

438
00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:51,636
in a hunting jacket,
leaning over,

439
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:52,887
I won't even look at him.

440
00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:55,306
I'm rubbing my balls,
picking my nose.

441
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:58,143
I'm like, "What are
you contemplating, guy?

442
00:16:58,226 --> 00:17:02,105
Take it to the back.
This is not happening.

443
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,566
Even if you sit here,
I'm getting up."

444
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,902
He's like a bear
and I'm playing dead.

445
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:10,280
[imitates bear growling]

446
00:17:11,573 --> 00:17:14,284
[audience laughing]

447
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,995
Then you get a nice normal lady
coming down the aisle.

448
00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:19,205
Oh, for... I'm practically
lighting candles.

449
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:21,791
I got incense going.

450
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:24,753
I'm like, "I do nails
halfway through the flight."

451
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,591
That's the thing too,
you ever see somebody

452
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,634
thinking about
sitting next to you,

453
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,470
and then they decide not to?

454
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:38,558
How offended are you?

455
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:41,436
I'm like mumbling to the lady
as she's going down the aisle,

456
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,497
like, "I don't know what
you think is down there, lady,

457
00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,815
I've been down there.
There ain't nothing down there!"

458
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,443
It is stressful flying,
all right?

459
00:17:48,526 --> 00:17:50,862
Every aspect of flying
is stressful.

460
00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:53,698
Like, my wife, she gave me
this face cream for my birthday,

461
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:55,241
it cost 50 dollars a bottle.

462
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,053
Right away, it comes
with instructions from her.

463
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,995
She's like, "Make it last.
It's 50 dollars.

464
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,164
You just need four dimes
every night.

465
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,707
Dime, dime, dime, dime.

466
00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:04,542
Don't blob it on.

467
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:05,919
It's not Nivea."

468
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:09,047
[audience laughing]

469
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,257
Then I got to go through
the airport security,

470
00:18:11,341 --> 00:18:13,069
"Oh, here we go." They don't
want to let me through

471
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:14,386
with the face cream.

472
00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:15,804
[groans]

473
00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:16,906
Don't you love it too,
when the TSA people

474
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:21,226
start giving you suggestions
that like aren't even realistic?

475
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:22,828
Right? Like, the lady
looks at me and she goes,

476
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,622
"Well, do you have a friend
that you could call

477
00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,606
that would come pick up
the face cream?"

478
00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:28,650
[all laughing]

479
00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:31,069
Like, what, you got a friend

480
00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:32,570
that would do that
for you, lady?

481
00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:36,408
Are friends actually doing that
for each other?

482
00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:39,244
I mean,
maybe I need new friends?

483
00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:42,330
I don't even have a friend
that would pick me up.

484
00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:45,166
[panting]

485
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,711
I don't even know how
I would make that phone call

486
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,630
without laughing my ass off
halfway through.

487
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:52,132
Seriously?

488
00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:53,800
You're gonna call up
your friend,

489
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,611
"Hey, friend. Do you mind
driving an hour and ten minutes

490
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,846
to JFK Airport,
you pick up my face cream?

491
00:18:57,929 --> 00:19:00,015
[audience laughing]

492
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:01,391
[chuckles]
"Yeah, yeah.

493
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:01,766
Then I'll tell you when
I land a week later,

494
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:04,352
you drop that shit back off."

495
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,065
"Oh, you're a peach, bro.
You're a peach."

496
00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:11,359
[audience laughing]

497
00:19:13,528 --> 00:19:15,864
That's why I drive.
Wherever possible.

498
00:19:17,532 --> 00:19:21,786
I got a 2006 Subaru Outback.

499
00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:22,870
[audience cheer]

500
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:24,372
Yeah, all right, man.

501
00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:25,081
- [man 3] The Roo!
- Been through a lot together.

502
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:27,834
Been through a lot together
with the Roo.

503
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,463
I had a recall
on the Roo, recently.

504
00:19:31,546 --> 00:19:36,009
Apparently, the passenger side
airbag could blow up.

505
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,762
I had to take her in
for a recall.

506
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,365
My Roo and I,
we've been through a lot.

507
00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:42,366
Anyone with a vehicle, you go...
you go through a lot.

508
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:43,975
Your vehicle
becomes like family.

509
00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:46,519
You ever rubbed the dashboard...

510
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:49,481
going up the hill
in really cold weather?

511
00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:52,317
I had my Subaru
in minus three degrees.

512
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,486
I'm like, "You got this, girl.

513
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:57,030
You got this."

514
00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,365
I feel like it matters.

515
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:00,617
It's like rubbing
a horse's neck.

516
00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:05,205
I go in through the Roo recall.

517
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:06,539
I've never done that before.

518
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:07,641
I walk in, they go,
"No problem, sir."

519
00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:08,249
"We'll take your car, it'll take
about an hour and a half.

520
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:11,378
You just sit tight,
and have some coffee,

521
00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:12,813
and we'll let you know
once it's done."

522
00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:14,339
No sooner do I sit down,

523
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:16,132
attractive lady
who works for Subaru

524
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,176
comes walking up
with her clipboard.

525
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,570
She goes,
"I just want you to know

526
00:20:19,594 --> 00:20:21,346
we did a quick evaluation
of your vehicle,

527
00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:23,098
and this is what
it's currently worth."

528
00:20:23,181 --> 00:20:24,891
You know, which is nothing.

529
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:27,352
And devastating to hear, like,

530
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,521
I didn't ask
for this information.

531
00:20:30,939 --> 00:20:32,739
And she goes, "If you want,
we could take this

532
00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:34,234
and put it towards
a new vehicle,

533
00:20:34,317 --> 00:20:36,337
and you could be driving out
in one of these beauties

534
00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:37,904
in less than a half hour.

535
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,197
Now, this is...
[stutters]

536
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,366
all happening so fast.

537
00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:43,410
And it's so insensitive.

538
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:44,911
It's my vehicle.

539
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:46,263
Looking at it through the window

540
00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:48,123
with the dash coming apart

541
00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:49,725
and what do you...
I'm telling you, man.

542
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,852
I'm only bringing it up
because it's happening with cars

543
00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,169
before you know it,

544
00:20:53,253 --> 00:20:54,355
it's gonna be happening
with us, as humans.

545
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:58,508
Men, you're gonna be in there
and getting a quadruple bypass,

546
00:20:58,591 --> 00:20:59,884
the nurse is gonna come out

547
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:01,261
and go up to your wife,

548
00:21:01,344 --> 00:21:04,055
"Listen, before
we cut this warhorse open...

549
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,072
I just wanna let you know
we got three men

550
00:21:07,142 --> 00:21:10,562
in their early 30's, on the
other side of the wall here,

551
00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:13,231
dying to take you out
for a steak dinner."

552
00:21:13,314 --> 00:21:15,316
[audience laughing]

553
00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:18,862
[clicks tongue, chuckles]

554
00:21:21,072 --> 00:21:23,199
I go Valvoline, that's my...

555
00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:26,327
that's my oil, people.
I go to Valvoline.

556
00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:28,538
Valvoline,
they bring the dipstick

557
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:30,457
into the waiting room.

558
00:21:30,540 --> 00:21:33,001
To show you
that they filled up the oil.

559
00:21:33,084 --> 00:21:35,754
Oh, how nice is that.

560
00:21:35,837 --> 00:21:37,547
I'm literally on the phone
with my wife,

561
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:39,716
he comes walking in.
I'm like, "Yeah, what'd he say?"

562
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,427
I'm like, "Oh, hold on, baby,
he's showing me the dipstick."

563
00:21:43,595 --> 00:21:45,406
"Please, Mr. Correale,
I just wanted to show you,

564
00:21:45,430 --> 00:21:46,910
filtered all the way up,
right there."

565
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:49,684
I'm like, "Beautiful, man.
Thank you very much."

566
00:21:50,602 --> 00:21:53,104
I know nothing about cars!

567
00:21:53,188 --> 00:21:54,314
And the guy can walk in

568
00:21:54,397 --> 00:21:56,524
and show me it, completely dry,
and go,

569
00:21:56,608 --> 00:21:58,860
"I totally drained
all the oil out of the car.

570
00:21:58,943 --> 00:22:00,362
It's bone dry."

571
00:22:00,445 --> 00:22:02,280
I'd go, "Beautiful.
Get that oil outta there.

572
00:22:02,364 --> 00:22:04,032
And take that shit."

573
00:22:06,034 --> 00:22:08,036
[audience laughing]

574
00:22:09,704 --> 00:22:12,332
I was making an appointment
with Valvoline recently.

575
00:22:12,415 --> 00:22:14,125
They had me on hold,

576
00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:15,752
and I had it on speaker.

577
00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:19,547
And "Take It To the Limit"
by the Eagles was playing.

578
00:22:19,631 --> 00:22:21,716
And, uh, my wife comes
walking down the stairs

579
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,240
starts babbling right away,
and I go,

580
00:22:23,301 --> 00:22:24,362
"Hold on,
they're about to pick up.

581
00:22:24,386 --> 00:22:25,845
They're about to pick up."

582
00:22:25,929 --> 00:22:28,098
And she goes, "Oh, my god,
why do you think that?

583
00:22:28,181 --> 00:22:30,100
Because the song is ending?"

584
00:22:31,101 --> 00:22:33,478
Which is really what I thought.

585
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:35,438
We all do that.
You ever on hold,

586
00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:37,232
and when your song ends...
You do.

587
00:22:37,315 --> 00:22:39,442
You think they're gonna pick up.

588
00:22:39,526 --> 00:22:41,069
Which is bizarre.

589
00:22:41,152 --> 00:22:43,905
'Cause that means I think
there's a guy in Valvoline

590
00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:45,824
hovering over the phone...

591
00:22:45,907 --> 00:22:48,493
listening to
the Eagle's song going,

592
00:22:48,576 --> 00:22:50,120
♪ Take it to the limit ♪

593
00:22:50,203 --> 00:22:53,707
♪ One more time ♪

594
00:22:53,790 --> 00:22:54,958
"Valvoline."

595
00:22:56,543 --> 00:22:59,045
[audience laughing]

596
00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:02,173
I got a lot of like you people
have around here too.

597
00:23:02,257 --> 00:23:05,343
Got a lot of
the deer crossing signs.

598
00:23:05,427 --> 00:23:07,387
Which always perplexed me,
you know?

599
00:23:07,470 --> 00:23:09,305
You ever driving along,
you have woods

600
00:23:09,389 --> 00:23:11,516
for ten miles
on either side of you.

601
00:23:11,599 --> 00:23:13,184
All of a sudden
you get to the 11th mile

602
00:23:13,268 --> 00:23:14,352
there's a sign saying,

603
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:16,604
"Deer crossing next four miles."

604
00:23:16,688 --> 00:23:18,106
What about the last ten?

605
00:23:18,189 --> 00:23:19,315
[chuckles]

606
00:23:19,399 --> 00:23:21,901
How are you so confident...

607
00:23:21,985 --> 00:23:23,903
that you didn't even
need a sign?

608
00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:26,067
Did a guy go to put up a sign
and the other guy goes,

609
00:23:26,114 --> 00:23:27,994
"Forget the sign, Tommy.
We don't need the sign.

610
00:23:28,074 --> 00:23:29,701
We don't need the sign."

611
00:23:29,784 --> 00:23:31,429
"No, we had a sit down with
the deers, years and years ago.

612
00:23:31,453 --> 00:23:32,787
We worked it all out."

613
00:23:33,955 --> 00:23:36,332
That's the only
legitimate way, right?

614
00:23:36,416 --> 00:23:37,625
Like hundreds of years ago,

615
00:23:37,709 --> 00:23:39,377
did like,
one highway representative

616
00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:40,795
sit down with one deer

617
00:23:40,879 --> 00:23:43,423
representing all the "deers."

618
00:23:43,506 --> 00:23:44,799
That's how long ago this was,

619
00:23:44,883 --> 00:23:46,885
they were still called "deers"
back then.

620
00:23:46,968 --> 00:23:48,928
[audience laughing]

621
00:23:49,012 --> 00:23:50,555
And the highway guy
said to the deer,

622
00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:52,223
"If you can get
all the other deer

623
00:23:52,307 --> 00:23:54,434
to cross between Exit 42

624
00:23:54,517 --> 00:23:56,603
and Exit 43,

625
00:23:56,686 --> 00:23:58,730
I think I can get all my people
to slow down

626
00:23:58,813 --> 00:24:00,899
when we go through that area."

627
00:24:00,982 --> 00:24:02,692
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

628
00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:05,528
And the deer goes,

629
00:24:05,612 --> 00:24:07,405
"No, no, no. You want us
to walk up a mile

630
00:24:07,489 --> 00:24:09,407
to cross over
to come back down a mile

631
00:24:09,491 --> 00:24:11,159
to get to the pond, to drink?

632
00:24:11,242 --> 00:24:11,868
No, no, no. I gotta go back
to the other deers with more.

633
00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:14,829
You gotta give me more.
I gotta go back with more."

634
00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:17,944
"All right, all right,
all right.

635
00:24:17,999 --> 00:24:20,251
- All right, all right."
- [audience laugh]

636
00:24:20,335 --> 00:24:21,878
The highway guy said,
"How about this?

637
00:24:21,961 --> 00:24:24,339
From now on, when there's
more than just one of you,

638
00:24:24,422 --> 00:24:27,258
it's still just deer."

639
00:24:27,342 --> 00:24:29,177
[audience laughing]

640
00:24:30,178 --> 00:24:31,888
"We drop the 's'."

641
00:24:32,764 --> 00:24:34,849
"Only fish have that right now."

642
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:41,022
And the deer went, "That's hard.
That's hard.

643
00:24:42,273 --> 00:24:45,527
I think I can go back
to the other 'deers' with that."

644
00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:47,112
And he go,
"Wait a minute, you mean,

645
00:24:47,195 --> 00:24:48,571
you mean the other 'deer'?"

646
00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:51,533
- "Ah. I already like it!"
- [audience laugh]

647
00:24:54,285 --> 00:24:56,287
[chuckles, inhales deeply]

648
00:24:56,371 --> 00:24:58,540
That's why we do 55.

649
00:24:58,623 --> 00:24:59,874
[woman 4] Yeah.

650
00:24:59,958 --> 00:25:02,127
Have you ever tried to do
a sustained 55?

651
00:25:02,210 --> 00:25:03,586
Like, literally just do 55?

652
00:25:03,670 --> 00:25:04,879
I'm like, "Are we even moving?

653
00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:07,882
Are we even fucking moving
right now?

654
00:25:07,966 --> 00:25:09,426
Jesus Christ!

655
00:25:09,509 --> 00:25:12,846
I wanna put it in park
and walk out of protest."

656
00:25:12,929 --> 00:25:16,099
"Henry Ford is rolling over
his grave right now."

657
00:25:17,142 --> 00:25:18,768
"Step on it!"

658
00:25:21,062 --> 00:25:23,398
I got a lot of 65 where I live,
in New York,

659
00:25:23,481 --> 00:25:25,859
right at the throughway.
I passed a cop recently.

660
00:25:25,942 --> 00:25:27,610
Let me explain the situation.

661
00:25:27,694 --> 00:25:30,155
The cop was doing 65

662
00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:31,322
in a 65.

663
00:25:31,406 --> 00:25:32,490
You ever have that?

664
00:25:32,574 --> 00:25:35,326
Then we all line up behind him.

665
00:25:35,410 --> 00:25:38,329
"All right, here we go."

666
00:25:38,413 --> 00:25:42,083
"What am I, a parade float?
What are we doing right now?"

667
00:25:42,167 --> 00:25:44,794
I'm even giving him that smile
through the windshield.

668
00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:48,006
"Hey, I always do 65."

669
00:25:48,089 --> 00:25:49,729
[inhales deeply]
But in my head, I'm like,

670
00:25:49,758 --> 00:25:53,219
"Guy, as soon as you get off,
I gotta do 85,

671
00:25:53,303 --> 00:25:54,888
to make up for the 75

672
00:25:54,971 --> 00:25:57,640
I would normally be
doing right now."

673
00:25:57,724 --> 00:25:59,601
Even my GPS was going off.

674
00:25:59,684 --> 00:26:01,329
It was like, "Is there a cop
in front of us?

675
00:26:01,353 --> 00:26:02,479
What the fuck are we doing?"

676
00:26:02,562 --> 00:26:04,272
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckling]

677
00:26:06,358 --> 00:26:07,692
And the cop wasn't getting off.

678
00:26:07,776 --> 00:26:09,361
We kept passing every exit.

679
00:26:09,444 --> 00:26:10,862
I'm looking at my wife, like,

680
00:26:10,945 --> 00:26:12,864
"What, is he on a road trip
with the cop car?"

681
00:26:12,947 --> 00:26:14,699
"He's out of his jurisdiction."

682
00:26:14,783 --> 00:26:16,743
"Is he stealing it?"

683
00:26:18,536 --> 00:26:19,662
I'm like, "I gotta pass."

684
00:26:19,746 --> 00:26:21,498
"I gotta do 'the pass'."

685
00:26:21,581 --> 00:26:22,916
That's what I do.

686
00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:25,543
Whenever I'm gonna break the law
in my vehicle,

687
00:26:25,627 --> 00:26:28,797
I announce it to everybody else
in the vehicle.

688
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,715
Like, if I'm gonna make
an illegal U-turn,

689
00:26:30,799 --> 00:26:32,133
I'm like, "I'm banging a U-ey.

690
00:26:32,217 --> 00:26:33,778
Everybody, get ready.
I'm banging a U-ey.

691
00:26:33,802 --> 00:26:35,345
Get ready, get ready."

692
00:26:35,428 --> 00:26:37,448
I don't even know what
that means for everybody else.

693
00:26:37,472 --> 00:26:39,057
Duck? I'm not sure.

694
00:26:39,140 --> 00:26:39,933
"I'm just letting you know
I'm about to do a violation,

695
00:26:40,016 --> 00:26:42,394
and whatever you gotta do
to be comfortable with that,

696
00:26:42,477 --> 00:26:43,478
get comfortable."

697
00:26:43,561 --> 00:26:45,772
[audience laughing]

698
00:26:46,981 --> 00:26:49,401
I mean, I say it so clearly,

699
00:26:49,484 --> 00:26:50,604
that if a cop pulled me over

700
00:26:50,652 --> 00:26:52,654
and I try to talk my way
out of it,

701
00:26:52,737 --> 00:26:54,030
if I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry

702
00:26:54,114 --> 00:26:55,800
I didn't realize
I couldn't make that turn."

703
00:26:55,824 --> 00:26:57,264
The cop would be looking
and he'd go,

704
00:26:57,325 --> 00:26:59,327
"Yeah, I read your lips
through the windshield...

705
00:27:00,078 --> 00:27:01,246
[chuckles]

706
00:27:01,329 --> 00:27:03,039
saying you're gonna
'bang a U-ey.'"

707
00:27:03,123 --> 00:27:04,332
[chuckles]

708
00:27:05,291 --> 00:27:07,168
[groaning]

709
00:27:08,336 --> 00:27:09,379
That's what I did, though.

710
00:27:09,462 --> 00:27:11,256
I slowly pass the cop,

711
00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:12,465
I'm doing 70.

712
00:27:12,549 --> 00:27:14,217
He's doing 65.

713
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:17,262
You ever do that slow
five-mile-an-hour pass?

714
00:27:17,345 --> 00:27:20,932
Oh, god. Your heart is pounding
the entire time.

715
00:27:21,016 --> 00:27:23,768
It's like walking past
a pit bull in your flip-flops.

716
00:27:23,852 --> 00:27:25,770
You're like, "Oh. Oh, god."

717
00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:27,772
[audience laughing]

718
00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:31,693
I'm just giving the cop
the look through the window

719
00:27:31,776 --> 00:27:32,777
the whole time, like,

720
00:27:32,861 --> 00:27:34,612
"Are you cool with this?"

721
00:27:34,696 --> 00:27:36,448
"Give me a nod. Give me smile.

722
00:27:36,531 --> 00:27:38,575
Let me know
you're cool with this."

723
00:27:38,658 --> 00:27:41,411
Right? I mean, you can't let me
slowly pass you.

724
00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:43,329
And then you light me up.

725
00:27:43,413 --> 00:27:45,707
That's a weak move, right?

726
00:27:45,790 --> 00:27:48,293
Gotta at least give me
that two-finger wave, like,

727
00:27:48,376 --> 00:27:50,003
"Hey, hey, take it back, G.

728
00:27:50,587 --> 00:27:53,715
Take it back, hero."

729
00:27:53,798 --> 00:27:54,799
[chuckles]

730
00:27:54,883 --> 00:27:56,801
I'm like, "I apologize."

731
00:27:58,386 --> 00:28:01,306
"I didn't realize the parade
wasn't over yet."

732
00:28:01,389 --> 00:28:03,058
[chuckling]

733
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:04,851
[sighs]

734
00:28:06,936 --> 00:28:09,647
That's what I did, though,
I just slowly passed him.

735
00:28:09,731 --> 00:28:11,451
And then you gotta get back
in front of him.

736
00:28:11,524 --> 00:28:12,650
You're like, "Oh, god.

737
00:28:12,734 --> 00:28:14,652
I'm getting back
in front of ya, huh?

738
00:28:14,736 --> 00:28:16,112
The balls!"

739
00:28:16,905 --> 00:28:19,324
And you just slowly drive off.

740
00:28:19,407 --> 00:28:21,093
And you know all the other cars
are whispering,

741
00:28:21,117 --> 00:28:23,745
"Oh, this guy's out
of his fucking mind."

742
00:28:25,997 --> 00:28:29,000
School speed limits
have gotten the most...

743
00:28:29,084 --> 00:28:30,794
intense.

744
00:28:30,877 --> 00:28:32,337
Anyone my age and older,

745
00:28:32,420 --> 00:28:35,507
and there's quite
a few of you out there.

746
00:28:37,258 --> 00:28:38,760
[chuckles]

747
00:28:38,843 --> 00:28:41,346
No, I'm saying though,
all of us adults and beyond,

748
00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:43,014
come on, right?

749
00:28:43,098 --> 00:28:44,683
Remember when
we were all growing up?

750
00:28:44,766 --> 00:28:48,144
People will pass at our schools
at like 45 miles an hour.

751
00:28:48,770 --> 00:28:49,979
If they did 50,

752
00:28:50,063 --> 00:28:52,482
and a teacher
happened to be outside

753
00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:54,150
smoking a cigarette...

754
00:28:55,276 --> 00:28:58,363
the teacher might go,
"Whoa! There's kids!"

755
00:28:59,447 --> 00:29:00,532
[blows air]

756
00:29:02,033 --> 00:29:04,244
[audience laughing]

757
00:29:05,662 --> 00:29:07,288
Oh, come on,
you pass a school now,

758
00:29:07,372 --> 00:29:10,458
we got the speed bumps,
the flashing lights,

759
00:29:10,542 --> 00:29:12,961
SWAT teams hiding in the bushes!

760
00:29:14,546 --> 00:29:16,172
My daughter's in kindergarten,

761
00:29:16,256 --> 00:29:17,775
and at one point, the speed
limit in front of her school

762
00:29:17,799 --> 00:29:19,092
goes down to five.

763
00:29:19,175 --> 00:29:20,385
Five! Okay.

764
00:29:20,468 --> 00:29:22,470
If you don't step
on the gas pedal,

765
00:29:22,554 --> 00:29:24,014
the car does seven.

766
00:29:26,641 --> 00:29:29,102
I, I can't even make it do five.

767
00:29:29,853 --> 00:29:31,521
I can do spurts of sevens.

768
00:29:31,604 --> 00:29:33,189
"Seven, stop. Seven, stop.

769
00:29:33,273 --> 00:29:35,442
Seven, stop."

770
00:29:35,525 --> 00:29:38,069
Or I could just open up the door
and put it in neutral

771
00:29:38,153 --> 00:29:41,156
and roll the goddamn thing
through like The Flintstones.

772
00:29:42,490 --> 00:29:44,826
[audience laughing]

773
00:29:48,204 --> 00:29:50,707
That's why I think the school
speed limit passing every school

774
00:29:50,790 --> 00:29:52,292
should be directly correlated

775
00:29:52,375 --> 00:29:55,253
to how well the children
are performing at that school.

776
00:29:55,337 --> 00:29:57,380
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

777
00:29:57,464 --> 00:29:58,923
Right? Come on.

778
00:29:59,007 --> 00:30:00,550
Motivation for the kids.

779
00:30:00,633 --> 00:30:02,761
And it helps with house hunting.

780
00:30:02,844 --> 00:30:03,720
When you have
to know in a hurry,

781
00:30:03,803 --> 00:30:04,947
"Is it a good school district?"

782
00:30:04,971 --> 00:30:08,308
"Uh, well, they all do an 85
past the high school."

783
00:30:09,017 --> 00:30:10,977
[audience laughing]

784
00:30:11,061 --> 00:30:12,354
I do appreciate you coming out,

785
00:30:12,437 --> 00:30:13,539
'cause, come on,
let's be honest, you got a lot...

786
00:30:13,563 --> 00:30:18,777
Today and now, where we live,
a lot of entertainment choices.

787
00:30:18,860 --> 00:30:21,321
Netflix alone, come on.

788
00:30:21,404 --> 00:30:24,282
By the way, with Netflix,
can we tone it down a little bit

789
00:30:24,366 --> 00:30:27,118
with people ranting and raving
about how many options...

790
00:30:27,202 --> 00:30:28,912
"Netflix has so much,
they have so..." No.

791
00:30:28,995 --> 00:30:32,123
Netflix has a lot of shit.

792
00:30:32,207 --> 00:30:34,501
That you have to sift through,

793
00:30:34,584 --> 00:30:36,503
to get to the good stuff.

794
00:30:36,586 --> 00:30:39,714
Have you ever scrolled through
the movies in Netflix?

795
00:30:39,798 --> 00:30:41,299
Man, it don't take long

796
00:30:41,383 --> 00:30:44,177
before you ain't sniffing
a movie star.

797
00:30:44,260 --> 00:30:46,805
I'm like, "Oh, man. There's
not even a Baldwin brother

798
00:30:46,888 --> 00:30:49,182
in any of these."

799
00:30:49,265 --> 00:30:51,976
"Is that my neighbor Larry
in that one?

800
00:30:52,060 --> 00:30:52,936
Is Larry in a movie?

801
00:30:53,019 --> 00:30:55,021
Hey, baby, Larry's in a movie!"

802
00:30:56,481 --> 00:30:57,649
That's why when you get

803
00:30:57,732 --> 00:30:59,359
a good recommendation
for Netflix,

804
00:30:59,442 --> 00:31:00,777
it's like a drug.

805
00:31:00,860 --> 00:31:02,362
I come home,
I'm telling my wife,

806
00:31:02,445 --> 00:31:05,073
"Are we gonna do this?
You sure you wanna watch it?

807
00:31:05,156 --> 00:31:06,825
Apparently
we're gonna stay up late,

808
00:31:06,908 --> 00:31:08,576
we're gonna blow the kid off."

809
00:31:10,078 --> 00:31:11,538
And what do we always say,
right?

810
00:31:11,621 --> 00:31:13,623
"We'll watch one.
We'll just watch one," right?

811
00:31:13,707 --> 00:31:16,126
That's the problem, you try
to watch one on these shows

812
00:31:16,209 --> 00:31:18,003
you go on Netflix,
you try to watch one,

813
00:31:18,086 --> 00:31:19,504
then you go to bed.

814
00:31:19,587 --> 00:31:19,629
And as you're going to bed,
the screen's like,

815
00:31:19,713 --> 00:31:22,298
"Next episode in five,

816
00:31:22,382 --> 00:31:24,175
four, three,

817
00:31:24,259 --> 00:31:25,677
two, one..."

818
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,321
Next thing you know,
it's four in the morning.

819
00:31:27,345 --> 00:31:30,974
I'm like, "No Season Two?
Come on!"

820
00:31:31,057 --> 00:31:32,517
"What are we doing?"

821
00:31:34,269 --> 00:31:36,349
- [man 4] That's good.
- [woman 5] It's true, though.

822
00:31:37,272 --> 00:31:41,359
When I get into something, man,
I have to hear every line.

823
00:31:41,443 --> 00:31:42,843
Like, I'm watching
a movie recently,

824
00:31:42,902 --> 00:31:44,446
and the guy leaves the room.

825
00:31:44,529 --> 00:31:46,424
And he said something,
but I don't, I don't catch it.

826
00:31:46,448 --> 00:31:48,825
So I turned to my wife and went,
"What'd he say?"

827
00:31:48,908 --> 00:31:50,577
And she goes,
"I didn't hear it, either."

828
00:31:50,660 --> 00:31:53,246
I'm like, "Well, then,
why aren't you asking me?"

829
00:31:54,330 --> 00:31:56,041
[scoffs]
All right? She's like,

830
00:31:56,124 --> 00:31:57,601
"You don't have to hear
every line, Peter."

831
00:31:57,625 --> 00:31:58,543
I'm like, "I don't know why
he left the room,

832
00:31:58,626 --> 00:32:01,588
I don't know what's going on."
And now you gotta rewind.

833
00:32:01,671 --> 00:32:03,214
For all the money Netflix has,

834
00:32:03,298 --> 00:32:06,384
they gotta work on the rewind
and fast-forward, man.

835
00:32:06,468 --> 00:32:07,820
I'm just trying
to go back a little.

836
00:32:07,844 --> 00:32:11,097
I'm like, "All right,
stop, stop. Stop!"

837
00:32:11,181 --> 00:32:12,640
My wife's yelling at me,

838
00:32:12,724 --> 00:32:13,266
"You're going all the way back
to the beginning.

839
00:32:13,350 --> 00:32:15,560
Oh, god. Here we go,
all the way back.

840
00:32:15,643 --> 00:32:17,145
Opening credits."

841
00:32:17,228 --> 00:32:17,812
matters so much."

842
00:32:17,896 --> 00:32:21,107
"Bullshit. Can't believe this."

843
00:32:22,067 --> 00:32:23,360
Now I'm fast-forwarding.

844
00:32:23,443 --> 00:32:24,963
I'm like, "All right,
stop, stop. Stop!

845
00:32:25,028 --> 00:32:26,571
Stop, stop!"

846
00:32:26,654 --> 00:32:27,989
Now, she's yelling at me,

847
00:32:28,073 --> 00:32:28,740
"Here we go,
we're seeing the whole thing.

848
00:32:28,823 --> 00:32:30,825
All right, here we go,
the whole goddamn movie.

849
00:32:30,909 --> 00:32:32,327
Everything. Ending credits.

850
00:32:32,410 --> 00:32:34,330
Put something on else now
'cause we just saw it."

851
00:32:36,581 --> 00:32:37,957
Ten minutes later,

852
00:32:38,041 --> 00:32:39,834
I'm finally getting it
right where I want it.

853
00:32:39,918 --> 00:32:41,211
In my head, I'm like, "Oh, man,

854
00:32:41,294 --> 00:32:43,672
this guy better say
something really...

855
00:32:43,755 --> 00:32:45,465
important, right now."

856
00:32:46,341 --> 00:32:48,635
And he's like, "Goodbye."

857
00:32:48,718 --> 00:32:51,304
[audience laughing]

858
00:32:51,388 --> 00:32:53,264
"Okay, he's leaving.
He's not coming back.

859
00:32:53,348 --> 00:32:54,766
Now I know he's officially not."

860
00:32:56,101 --> 00:32:58,186
- [audience laughing]
- [woman 6] Oh, my gosh.

861
00:32:59,854 --> 00:33:01,147
We're watching a movie recently,

862
00:33:01,231 --> 00:33:02,941
at one point,
the woman turns to the man

863
00:33:03,024 --> 00:33:04,567
and goes,

864
00:33:04,651 --> 00:33:06,736
"Well, you know what they say,
behind every great man

865
00:33:06,820 --> 00:33:08,279
there's an even greater woman."

866
00:33:08,363 --> 00:33:10,490
And my wife paused the movie.

867
00:33:10,573 --> 00:33:13,159
I knew she would.
I knew she would, but...

868
00:33:13,243 --> 00:33:14,744
I'm on the edge of the couch.

869
00:33:14,828 --> 00:33:16,305
She's like, "You hear that,
behind every great man

870
00:33:16,329 --> 00:33:17,569
there's an even greater woman."

871
00:33:17,622 --> 00:33:20,625
I'm like,
"Well, I am wallowing away

872
00:33:20,709 --> 00:33:22,085
in mediocrity over here."

873
00:33:22,168 --> 00:33:23,878
[audience laughing]

874
00:33:23,962 --> 00:33:26,381
"So, you might wanna step up."

875
00:33:29,384 --> 00:33:31,594
I'm watching a movie
about two months ago.

876
00:33:31,678 --> 00:33:34,014
I go to have my ice cream.
That's my snack.

877
00:33:34,097 --> 00:33:35,390
Freezer burnt.

878
00:33:35,473 --> 00:33:37,308
- [man 6] Aw.
- Oh, you have no idea, man.

879
00:33:37,392 --> 00:33:40,103
That's my Saturday night, man!

880
00:33:41,062 --> 00:33:42,856
So I'm like,
"All hope is not lost.

881
00:33:42,939 --> 00:33:45,316
It might just be at top level.

882
00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:48,862
I still gotta do a deep dig,
deep dive."

883
00:33:48,945 --> 00:33:50,280
And as I'm sticking the spoon,

884
00:33:50,363 --> 00:33:52,073
you can hear
all the crystals breaking up,

885
00:33:52,157 --> 00:33:53,342
I'm like, "All the way through.

886
00:33:53,366 --> 00:33:54,743
All the way through!"

887
00:33:57,245 --> 00:33:58,997
And my wife goes,
"Well, just calm down.

888
00:33:59,080 --> 00:34:00,540
Just put it back in the freezer

889
00:34:00,623 --> 00:34:01,332
and we'll return it tomorrow
to the supermarket."

890
00:34:01,416 --> 00:34:05,587
I'm like, "Grown men
do not return ice cream."

891
00:34:08,465 --> 00:34:10,359
She's like, "Well, then, I guess
you're just out five bucks."

892
00:34:10,383 --> 00:34:12,361
I'm like, "Well, either that,
or I guess I'll just have

893
00:34:12,385 --> 00:34:13,738
to shoplift
five dollars' worth of shit

894
00:34:13,762 --> 00:34:15,597
the next time we go
to the supermarket."

895
00:34:17,015 --> 00:34:18,683
- [audience laughing]
- [gasps]

896
00:34:18,767 --> 00:34:21,102
Not all at once.

897
00:34:21,186 --> 00:34:22,854
Like, I was
in the bakery section,

898
00:34:22,937 --> 00:34:24,123
you know
where you get your donuts

899
00:34:24,147 --> 00:34:26,316
and you put them
in a white wax bag.

900
00:34:26,399 --> 00:34:28,902
I got four donuts,
I put them in the bag.

901
00:34:28,985 --> 00:34:30,362
I get them to the register.

902
00:34:30,445 --> 00:34:31,363
Right? And right away,
the lady's like,

903
00:34:31,446 --> 00:34:32,739
"How many donuts in the bag?"

904
00:34:32,822 --> 00:34:34,240
I'm like, "Two."

905
00:34:36,326 --> 00:34:39,162
You have no idea
how scary that is

906
00:34:39,245 --> 00:34:41,414
until it's actually going down.

907
00:34:42,123 --> 00:34:43,583
Oh, my god, man.

908
00:34:43,667 --> 00:34:46,461
It was like I was trying
to get heroin across the border.

909
00:34:46,544 --> 00:34:47,879
Over my head, I'm like,
"Oh, god.

910
00:34:47,962 --> 00:34:49,172
Just swipe the bag, lady.

911
00:34:49,255 --> 00:34:51,216
Swipe the bag, swipe the bag!"

912
00:34:52,467 --> 00:34:54,219
We're walking out,
my wife is whispering,

913
00:34:54,302 --> 00:34:55,720
"It's 55 cents a donut,

914
00:34:55,804 --> 00:34:57,639
why would you even put us
in that situation?"

915
00:34:57,722 --> 00:34:58,973
[chuckles]
I'm like,

916
00:34:59,057 --> 00:34:59,557
"'Cause of
the freezer burnt ice cream!

917
00:34:59,641 --> 00:35:02,227
Just keep walking,
keep walking."

918
00:35:08,274 --> 00:35:10,360
[audience laughing]

919
00:35:10,443 --> 00:35:12,046
We were out in the parking lot
and she's like,

920
00:35:12,070 --> 00:35:14,070
"What would you have done
if they opened up the bag

921
00:35:14,114 --> 00:35:15,240
and saw four donuts?"

922
00:35:15,323 --> 00:35:16,342
I go, I would just have
just been like,

923
00:35:16,366 --> 00:35:19,452
'My wife must have put
two more donuts in there...

924
00:35:20,453 --> 00:35:23,206
when I wasn't
paying attention.'"

925
00:35:23,289 --> 00:35:25,667
I mean, it's called acting!

926
00:35:27,377 --> 00:35:30,088
Really, man. I don't know why
we're so enamored

927
00:35:30,171 --> 00:35:31,089
with movie stars.

928
00:35:31,172 --> 00:35:34,300
We act every day of our lives,

929
00:35:34,384 --> 00:35:36,678
better than they do.

930
00:35:36,761 --> 00:35:38,763
Right? Come on, how many people,
you go to work,

931
00:35:38,847 --> 00:35:41,016
you see someone
you don't particularly care for,

932
00:35:41,099 --> 00:35:41,975
you're like, "Good to see you."

933
00:35:42,058 --> 00:35:43,560
And they're like, "You too."

934
00:35:43,643 --> 00:35:44,978
And, scene.

935
00:35:45,061 --> 00:35:46,813
[audience laughing]

936
00:35:52,986 --> 00:35:54,779
Calling in sick for work.

937
00:35:54,863 --> 00:35:56,322
[audience laughing]

938
00:35:56,406 --> 00:35:58,908
That's some
of the best acting work

939
00:35:58,992 --> 00:36:00,702
we ever do in our entire lives.

940
00:36:02,412 --> 00:36:04,497
I was writing on a sitcom
last year.

941
00:36:04,581 --> 00:36:07,459
I needed a particular day off.

942
00:36:07,542 --> 00:36:09,627
You know that? When you need
a particular day off?

943
00:36:09,711 --> 00:36:12,172
And you're like,
"I could ask for that day off,

944
00:36:12,255 --> 00:36:14,174
but if they don't give it to me,

945
00:36:14,257 --> 00:36:17,635
I'm still not gonna
be there that day."

946
00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:20,347
"So, I'm gonna have to go
with a call-in-sick...

947
00:36:20,430 --> 00:36:22,557
Just gonna have to call..."
It's a burden.

948
00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:24,225
[stutters]
It weighs on you.

949
00:36:24,309 --> 00:36:25,810
It's on your own
personal calendar,

950
00:36:25,894 --> 00:36:28,813
you're like, "Oh, that's the day
I gotta call in sick.

951
00:36:28,897 --> 00:36:30,065
That's the day I gotta do

952
00:36:30,148 --> 00:36:32,901
my three-day
acting tour de force."

953
00:36:34,569 --> 00:36:35,987
'Cause when I call in sick,

954
00:36:36,071 --> 00:36:38,239
I don't just call in sick
on the call-in-sick day,

955
00:36:38,323 --> 00:36:40,867
I start acting sick
around the office

956
00:36:40,950 --> 00:36:42,911
two days prior

957
00:36:42,994 --> 00:36:45,246
to the call-in-sick day.

958
00:36:48,708 --> 00:36:49,935
It's, it's a...
You ever have, like,

959
00:36:49,959 --> 00:36:51,378
it'll be like a few days

960
00:36:51,461 --> 00:36:53,272
before you're gonna start
pretending you're sick?

961
00:36:53,296 --> 00:36:54,839
I used to work front desk
at a hotel

962
00:36:54,923 --> 00:36:56,174
and this happened one time.

963
00:36:56,257 --> 00:36:57,425
The guy with me, he's like,

964
00:36:57,509 --> 00:36:58,051
"We're gonna be alone
on Sunday."

965
00:36:58,134 --> 00:37:00,553
And I was gonna
call in sick Sunday.

966
00:37:00,637 --> 00:37:02,073
"It's just gonna be me and you
on Sunday.

967
00:37:02,097 --> 00:37:03,240
I already took a look
at the schedule.

968
00:37:03,264 --> 00:37:04,140
We're gonna be getting slammed,

969
00:37:04,224 --> 00:37:05,850
so make sure you're ready."

970
00:37:05,934 --> 00:37:07,227
Out of my head, I go to him,

971
00:37:07,310 --> 00:37:08,579
"Yeah, no, absolutely, man.
I'll be ready."

972
00:37:08,603 --> 00:37:09,938
But in my head, I'm like,

973
00:37:10,021 --> 00:37:11,661
"Think again,
you better be double ready."

974
00:37:13,983 --> 00:37:17,737
"You have no idea how slammed
you're gonna be on Sunday."

975
00:37:19,364 --> 00:37:21,199
You feel bad.

976
00:37:21,282 --> 00:37:22,575
But you can't tell him.

977
00:37:22,659 --> 00:37:23,284
You know, you just wanna be,
like, "Guy,

978
00:37:23,368 --> 00:37:23,993
I just want you
to prepare for the storm.

979
00:37:24,077 --> 00:37:26,871
I'm fucking calling in sick,
I'm sure."

980
00:37:28,998 --> 00:37:30,125
Well, that's what I do.

981
00:37:30,208 --> 00:37:32,043
Three days prior
to the call-in-sick day,

982
00:37:32,127 --> 00:37:33,878
I start acting a little sick.

983
00:37:33,962 --> 00:37:36,548
Little things, you know,
a little cough here and there.

984
00:37:36,631 --> 00:37:39,592
Normally, I drink coffee,
but instead, I have tea.

985
00:37:39,676 --> 00:37:42,387
Do a hard dip with the bag
until someone sees.

986
00:37:42,470 --> 00:37:44,931
"I want somebody to see this."

987
00:37:45,015 --> 00:37:46,808
[audience laughing]

988
00:37:46,891 --> 00:37:48,411
Then somebody's like,
"You drinking tea, Pete?

989
00:37:48,435 --> 00:37:50,061
I thought
you have coffee usually?"

990
00:37:50,145 --> 00:37:50,520
I go like, "Yeah, no, there's
something with my throat.

991
00:37:50,603 --> 00:37:53,106
I don't know,
something's going down."

992
00:37:53,189 --> 00:37:55,400
- And, scene!
- [audience laughing]

993
00:37:58,278 --> 00:37:59,672
One time,
I was acting sick, though,

994
00:37:59,696 --> 00:38:01,298
and the guy's like, "Whoa, man,
you sound bad.

995
00:38:01,322 --> 00:38:02,240
You should
probably go home, man,

996
00:38:02,323 --> 00:38:02,949
I think you're getting sick."

997
00:38:03,033 --> 00:38:03,658
But in my head, I'm like,
"No, no.

998
00:38:03,742 --> 00:38:05,302
I'll be sick Wednesday.
I'm fine today."

999
00:38:06,536 --> 00:38:08,747
"Wednesday.
Wednesday, I'll be sick."

1000
00:38:08,830 --> 00:38:10,832
[audience laughing]

1001
00:38:13,918 --> 00:38:17,130
I don't act much,
or at all, really,

1002
00:38:17,213 --> 00:38:18,715
in movies and TV.

1003
00:38:19,507 --> 00:38:20,800
I did a show once,

1004
00:38:20,884 --> 00:38:22,486
and the director apparently,
was at the show.

1005
00:38:22,510 --> 00:38:24,429
He wanted to meet me
in the green room.

1006
00:38:24,512 --> 00:38:27,349
Uh, and they're like,
"He's a fan of yours."

1007
00:38:27,432 --> 00:38:29,768
"He's, uh, you know,
an important guy."

1008
00:38:29,851 --> 00:38:31,978
I had very little time.
I couldn't even Google him.

1009
00:38:32,062 --> 00:38:33,229
So I walk in to meet the guy.

1010
00:38:33,313 --> 00:38:33,813
And he's like,
"Hey, nice to meet you."

1011
00:38:33,897 --> 00:38:35,940
I'm like,
"Hey, nice to meet you.

1012
00:38:36,024 --> 00:38:37,317
Big fan of your work."

1013
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:39,569
That's what you say.
That's what you say.

1014
00:38:39,652 --> 00:38:41,988
He's like, "Thanks, 'cause
I'm a real big fan of you."

1015
00:38:42,072 --> 00:38:44,008
And then he goes, "Did you do
any acting? A lot of acting?

1016
00:38:44,032 --> 00:38:45,426
Like, what's the last thing
I may have ever

1017
00:38:45,450 --> 00:38:46,993
seen you act in?"

1018
00:38:47,077 --> 00:38:47,410
That's what he said to me.
I just wanted to be, like,

1019
00:38:47,494 --> 00:38:51,331
"Guy, this room.
Two minutes ago...

1020
00:38:51,414 --> 00:38:53,458
when I said
I'm a fan of your work."

1021
00:38:54,626 --> 00:38:56,836
"I don't even know who you are."

1022
00:38:56,920 --> 00:39:00,465
"And you bought that, so,
we're good. I got it. I can act"

1023
00:39:00,548 --> 00:39:01,901
I don't, I don't think
'cause of the accent,

1024
00:39:01,925 --> 00:39:04,052
that's why I don't really do
a lot of acting.

1025
00:39:04,135 --> 00:39:05,470
[clicks tongue]

1026
00:39:05,553 --> 00:39:05,720
I don't mind.
I mean have a very thick...

1027
00:39:05,804 --> 00:39:06,596
Could you tell? I mean...

1028
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:09,349
Can you tell
I'm from Kansas, sir?

1029
00:39:09,432 --> 00:39:10,809
- It's, uh...
- [audience laughing]

1030
00:39:13,061 --> 00:39:16,231
I don't mind having my New York,
Long Island accent.

1031
00:39:16,314 --> 00:39:17,774
It is what it is, baby.

1032
00:39:17,857 --> 00:39:19,693
- [crowd cheering]
- But let's be honest,

1033
00:39:19,776 --> 00:39:21,194
you know,

1034
00:39:21,277 --> 00:39:21,861
the minute you start talking
with this accent,

1035
00:39:21,945 --> 00:39:24,906
nobody ever thinks,
"Oh, there's a genius."

1036
00:39:26,324 --> 00:39:27,659
[scoffs]

1037
00:39:27,742 --> 00:39:30,328
I wish I could lose
the accent sometimes,

1038
00:39:30,412 --> 00:39:31,871
that's all.

1039
00:39:31,955 --> 00:39:33,557
Like, my wife and I went to get
a mortgage on the house,

1040
00:39:33,581 --> 00:39:35,208
so I had to get a bank loan.

1041
00:39:35,291 --> 00:39:36,519
Before we walk in, my wife goes,

1042
00:39:36,543 --> 00:39:38,211
"When we go in there,
try not to sound

1043
00:39:38,294 --> 00:39:39,754
all goombah."

1044
00:39:41,297 --> 00:39:42,966
[inhales]
That was the note.

1045
00:39:43,049 --> 00:39:44,592
"Don't sound goombah."

1046
00:39:45,510 --> 00:39:47,053
Right away,
the bank lady comes up,

1047
00:39:47,137 --> 00:39:48,388
she's like, "Good afternoon."

1048
00:39:48,471 --> 00:39:49,222
I'm like, "Hey, how you doin'?"
You know?

1049
00:39:49,305 --> 00:39:49,764
Then she has to walk away
to get something.

1050
00:39:49,848 --> 00:39:53,018
My wife looks at me,
"'How you doin'?

1051
00:39:53,101 --> 00:39:54,728
How you doin'?'"

1052
00:39:54,811 --> 00:39:57,689
"God, what, are you ordering
a pastrami sandwich at a deli?"

1053
00:39:58,481 --> 00:40:00,900
[audience laughing]

1054
00:40:04,946 --> 00:40:06,364
We got the house.
We got to move.

1055
00:40:06,448 --> 00:40:08,366
We got a five-year-old
daughter, man.

1056
00:40:08,450 --> 00:40:10,243
And we moved to this small town.

1057
00:40:10,326 --> 00:40:14,456
Started anew in this small town,
she's in kindergarten now.

1058
00:40:15,081 --> 00:40:16,374
Any parent knows.

1059
00:40:16,458 --> 00:40:17,476
Don't you love
when your kid comes home,

1060
00:40:17,500 --> 00:40:20,295
and they act like they've
learned something at school

1061
00:40:20,378 --> 00:40:21,921
that you don't know yet?

1062
00:40:22,005 --> 00:40:23,757
I mean, don't get me wrong,
by third grade,

1063
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:26,176
that'll start happening.
I'm aware of that.

1064
00:40:26,259 --> 00:40:29,471
But I'd like to think
I would be the valedictorian

1065
00:40:29,554 --> 00:40:31,014
of kindergarten.

1066
00:40:32,974 --> 00:40:34,934
Look, they had a fireman
come to the school.

1067
00:40:35,018 --> 00:40:37,270
Now, my, my daughter comes home,
we're having dinner,

1068
00:40:37,354 --> 00:40:39,397
and she's like,
"Dad, when there's a fire,

1069
00:40:39,481 --> 00:40:41,941
you stop, drop, and roll."

1070
00:40:42,025 --> 00:40:44,527
And she said it
with such conviction.

1071
00:40:44,611 --> 00:40:46,071
That I had to be like,
"Yeah, no,

1072
00:40:46,154 --> 00:40:47,739
if it's near you, absolutely.

1073
00:40:47,822 --> 00:40:49,741
But if it's upstairs
and you're downstairs,

1074
00:40:49,824 --> 00:40:51,242
you know,
then you just run out."

1075
00:40:52,077 --> 00:40:54,079
[audience laughing]

1076
00:40:54,162 --> 00:40:55,455
Right?
[chuckles]

1077
00:40:56,706 --> 00:40:59,084
She's already at that age
giving me the lip,

1078
00:40:59,167 --> 00:41:02,337
"Uh, no, Dad.
You stop, drop, and roll."

1079
00:41:02,420 --> 00:41:04,923
Now I'm like, "Uh, yeah,
if it's near you!"

1080
00:41:06,466 --> 00:41:07,634
And then my wife goes, "Gosh,

1081
00:41:07,717 --> 00:41:08,385
she's just telling you
what to do."

1082
00:41:08,468 --> 00:41:10,261
I go, "Yeah,
and I'm telling her, man.

1083
00:41:10,345 --> 00:41:11,763
Fix the error.

1084
00:41:11,846 --> 00:41:13,324
We can't just shoot and agree...
we'd go and agree,

1085
00:41:13,348 --> 00:41:14,933
she's gotta know
what's the deal."

1086
00:41:15,016 --> 00:41:16,935
"On a fire, all of her friends
are running out,

1087
00:41:17,018 --> 00:41:19,938
and she's rolling around
like a goddamn pinball."

1088
00:41:20,855 --> 00:41:21,856
[chuckles]

1089
00:41:24,567 --> 00:41:25,628
So everyone's like,
"What happened

1090
00:41:25,652 --> 00:41:27,195
with Correale's kid?"

1091
00:41:27,278 --> 00:41:28,839
"She wouldn't get up.
She just kept rolling around."

1092
00:41:28,863 --> 00:41:31,032
[blabbering]

1093
00:41:33,201 --> 00:41:34,369
Like one of those vacuums

1094
00:41:34,452 --> 00:41:36,538
that eventually hits
every crevice.

1095
00:41:41,418 --> 00:41:42,752
Now, more than ever,

1096
00:41:42,836 --> 00:41:45,255
we were into it
with the safety with the kids,

1097
00:41:45,338 --> 00:41:46,506
right?

1098
00:41:46,589 --> 00:41:48,216
Like, I got
these two big porches,

1099
00:41:48,299 --> 00:41:49,759
I got this old, Victorian house.

1100
00:41:49,843 --> 00:41:52,804
It's a total money pit
of a house, man.

1101
00:41:52,887 --> 00:41:55,074
My daughter and her friends,
they'll sit out on the porch.

1102
00:41:55,098 --> 00:41:56,307
People jog by,

1103
00:41:56,391 --> 00:41:57,600
and they just yell out, "Hi",

1104
00:41:57,684 --> 00:41:59,978
until the person says "Hi" back.

1105
00:42:00,061 --> 00:42:01,706
My neighbor's like,
"You think that's safe?

1106
00:42:01,730 --> 00:42:03,791
Them saying hi to everyone?"
I'm like, "Oh, god, what?

1107
00:42:03,815 --> 00:42:05,316
Do you want me
to put chicken wire

1108
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:06,609
around the thing?"

1109
00:42:09,696 --> 00:42:11,239
You gotta admit though, right?

1110
00:42:11,322 --> 00:42:13,408
I mean, like, I'll see
these headlines where it says,

1111
00:42:13,491 --> 00:42:15,035
"Attempted child abduction."

1112
00:42:15,118 --> 00:42:17,579
"Attempted",
like, they didn't get it done.

1113
00:42:18,538 --> 00:42:19,831
I don't wanna sound crass,

1114
00:42:19,914 --> 00:42:22,917
but I mean, if you can't
get a kid into a van...

1115
00:42:24,169 --> 00:42:25,712
Nah, seriously?

1116
00:42:25,795 --> 00:42:27,964
You know what you need
to get my daughter into a van?

1117
00:42:28,048 --> 00:42:30,258
- A van. That's it.
- [audience laughing]

1118
00:42:31,926 --> 00:42:33,678
That's it.

1119
00:42:33,762 --> 00:42:35,805
You pull up,
you open up that van door,

1120
00:42:35,889 --> 00:42:37,932
she'll be right there,
"What you got in there?

1121
00:42:38,516 --> 00:42:40,435
What you got in there?"

1122
00:42:40,518 --> 00:42:44,022
It would be more difficult
to keep her out of the van.

1123
00:42:45,148 --> 00:42:46,441
They're giving her
a light shove.

1124
00:42:46,524 --> 00:42:48,109
"Get away from the van, kid,
all right?"

1125
00:42:50,028 --> 00:42:51,905
A cop would pull up,
"What's going on?"

1126
00:42:51,988 --> 00:42:53,788
And they go, "I'm trying
to drop off a carpet,

1127
00:42:53,823 --> 00:42:55,992
the kid keeps trying to climb
into the goddamn van."

1128
00:42:58,453 --> 00:42:59,662
Everyone has their own methods

1129
00:42:59,746 --> 00:43:01,373
in dealing
with trying to help in...

1130
00:43:01,456 --> 00:43:03,792
to keep their kid safe.

1131
00:43:03,875 --> 00:43:05,269
I got something
I gotta share with ya.

1132
00:43:05,293 --> 00:43:07,379
I call it the
"Inappropriate Touch Test."

1133
00:43:07,462 --> 00:43:08,648
- [chuckles]
- [man 8] Oh, god.

1134
00:43:08,672 --> 00:43:10,256
No, 'cause that's my
big fear, right?

1135
00:43:10,340 --> 00:43:12,217
The kids get touched.

1136
00:43:12,300 --> 00:43:13,426
I taught my daughter, look,

1137
00:43:13,510 --> 00:43:14,844
"If anyone ever touches you

1138
00:43:14,928 --> 00:43:16,388
or sticks their hand
down your butt,

1139
00:43:16,471 --> 00:43:17,639
you stop and yell,

1140
00:43:17,722 --> 00:43:21,226
'No, no. Mommy, Daddy!'
And run away."

1141
00:43:21,309 --> 00:43:23,853
We do dry runs around the house.

1142
00:43:23,937 --> 00:43:25,647
Like, my wife
and I will be having coffee,

1143
00:43:25,730 --> 00:43:26,981
my kid walks into the kitchen,

1144
00:43:27,065 --> 00:43:28,545
I put my hand down her butt,
she goes,

1145
00:43:28,608 --> 00:43:30,527
"No, no. Mommy, Daddy!"

1146
00:43:30,610 --> 00:43:32,529
Then she runs away
and she comes back,

1147
00:43:32,612 --> 00:43:34,072
we fist bump, blow it up.

1148
00:43:34,155 --> 00:43:35,657
- [chuckles]
- [audience laugh]

1149
00:43:35,740 --> 00:43:37,659
Then my wife goes,
"She's got it down."

1150
00:43:38,410 --> 00:43:40,412
I'm like, "Yeah, I don't know."

1151
00:43:40,495 --> 00:43:43,707
"I think I, I think I gotta
run around a real track now."

1152
00:43:44,916 --> 00:43:46,835
I mean, she's got
the drill down.

1153
00:43:46,918 --> 00:43:48,354
Right? My wife's like,
"She's got it down."

1154
00:43:48,378 --> 00:43:49,713
Like, "She's got the drill down.

1155
00:43:49,796 --> 00:43:50,856
That's what she's got.
That's what, you know."

1156
00:43:50,880 --> 00:43:54,634
Like, and then, my best friend
since I was in third grade,

1157
00:43:54,718 --> 00:43:56,761
him and his wife
came to visit last summer.

1158
00:43:56,845 --> 00:43:58,263
They have no kids.

1159
00:43:58,346 --> 00:43:59,514
Spent two days with us.

1160
00:43:59,597 --> 00:44:01,224
Went to the beach one day.

1161
00:44:01,307 --> 00:44:02,934
Now it's the next day,

1162
00:44:03,018 --> 00:44:05,812
he's met my daughter now
for about 24 hours,

1163
00:44:05,895 --> 00:44:07,272
we're making dinner.

1164
00:44:07,355 --> 00:44:08,440
I'm explaining my whole

1165
00:44:08,523 --> 00:44:10,150
"Inappropriate Touch Test"
to him.

1166
00:44:10,233 --> 00:44:12,027
Of course,
he calls me a sick bastard.

1167
00:44:12,110 --> 00:44:14,230
- Let's get that out of the way.
- [audience laughing]

1168
00:44:14,654 --> 00:44:16,281
My daughter's on the iPad.

1169
00:44:16,364 --> 00:44:18,742
I go, "I need you to go over
and just give her a little rub.

1170
00:44:18,825 --> 00:44:20,160
It'd be perfect right now."

1171
00:44:22,370 --> 00:44:23,788
By the way, little side note.

1172
00:44:23,872 --> 00:44:25,665
Any parent knows, that iPad,

1173
00:44:25,749 --> 00:44:27,876
well, I could give
my daughter the iPad,

1174
00:44:27,959 --> 00:44:30,295
and I could go to Miami
for the weekend.

1175
00:44:32,422 --> 00:44:34,382
That's not even an exaggeration.

1176
00:44:35,925 --> 00:44:37,218
So my buddy goes up,

1177
00:44:37,302 --> 00:44:38,011
and then he goes,
"Hold up, I'll do it."

1178
00:44:38,094 --> 00:44:38,595
He just gives a light,
on the back, he's like,

1179
00:44:38,678 --> 00:44:41,431
"Hey, what are
you doing, sweety?"

1180
00:44:41,514 --> 00:44:44,225
And she goes, "That tickles!"

1181
00:44:44,309 --> 00:44:46,853
[audience laughing]

1182
00:44:46,936 --> 00:44:48,396
I come walking out
of the kitchen,

1183
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:51,691
I go, "No. It's, 'No, no.
Mommy, Daddy!' Right?"

1184
00:44:51,775 --> 00:44:54,069
And she goes,
"No, that's our game, Dad."

1185
00:44:55,403 --> 00:44:57,781
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing, applauding]

1186
00:44:58,782 --> 00:44:59,949
Oh. And my buddy goes,

1187
00:45:00,033 --> 00:45:01,326
"I think you got
a bigger problem

1188
00:45:01,409 --> 00:45:02,911
on your hands now, bro."

1189
00:45:04,788 --> 00:45:06,748
[inhales deeply]
Right?

1190
00:45:06,831 --> 00:45:08,750
That's all I need,
is my daughter in school

1191
00:45:08,833 --> 00:45:10,293
on a rainy day.

1192
00:45:10,377 --> 00:45:11,002
The teacher's like,
"Does anyone have any games

1193
00:45:11,086 --> 00:45:14,673
you play at home
with your family or anything?"

1194
00:45:14,756 --> 00:45:16,383
And my daughter's like,
"Sometimes my Dad

1195
00:45:16,466 --> 00:45:18,176
sticks his hand down my ass,

1196
00:45:18,259 --> 00:45:20,345
then we fist bump
and blow it up."

1197
00:45:20,428 --> 00:45:21,930
[laughs]

1198
00:45:22,013 --> 00:45:24,015
Teacher's like, "All right,
everybody, heads down.

1199
00:45:24,099 --> 00:45:26,101
I have to make
a quick phone call, heads down.

1200
00:45:26,184 --> 00:45:27,185
Heads down."

1201
00:45:29,813 --> 00:45:32,065
[audience laughing]

1202
00:45:34,109 --> 00:45:35,151
But, uh...

1203
00:45:36,277 --> 00:45:37,654
I don't know.

1204
00:45:37,737 --> 00:45:38,839
I like where I live, though.

1205
00:45:38,863 --> 00:45:40,782
Beatnik-ey.

1206
00:45:41,866 --> 00:45:43,785
I got a neighbor
who's an artist.

1207
00:45:44,411 --> 00:45:45,704
And I went to, uh...

1208
00:45:45,787 --> 00:45:47,539
He's a painter.
And I went to, like, a show

1209
00:45:47,622 --> 00:45:49,499
with his paintings
and some others.

1210
00:45:49,582 --> 00:45:51,167
That's a tough racket, man.

1211
00:45:52,043 --> 00:45:53,586
I mean, I tell jokes.

1212
00:45:53,670 --> 00:45:55,380
If I tell a joke
and you don't laugh,

1213
00:45:55,463 --> 00:45:56,548
all right, I suck.

1214
00:45:56,631 --> 00:45:58,299
Clear. Cut dry.

1215
00:45:58,383 --> 00:46:00,427
I go to see
this guy's paintings, right?

1216
00:46:00,510 --> 00:46:01,803
He's got a beautiful painting

1217
00:46:01,886 --> 00:46:03,555
with a tree, and this, and that.

1218
00:46:03,638 --> 00:46:05,390
There's another one next to his.

1219
00:46:05,473 --> 00:46:06,808
His is going for 400,

1220
00:46:06,891 --> 00:46:08,476
the other one's going
for four grand.

1221
00:46:09,352 --> 00:46:10,770
I'm like, "Who decides?"

1222
00:46:10,854 --> 00:46:12,939
And they're like,
"There's a curator that like

1223
00:46:13,023 --> 00:46:14,524
looks at them
and makes the decision."

1224
00:46:14,607 --> 00:46:15,900
Um, if I was a painter,

1225
00:46:15,984 --> 00:46:17,527
and I did the 400 dollar one,

1226
00:46:17,610 --> 00:46:19,070
oh, god, right away,
I'd be like,

1227
00:46:19,154 --> 00:46:20,822
"Where's the fucking curator?"

1228
00:46:21,698 --> 00:46:23,450
"Get the curator,
get the curator.

1229
00:46:23,533 --> 00:46:25,493
I got a tree. He's got a tree."

1230
00:46:26,619 --> 00:46:28,788
"He's got a sun. I got a sun.

1231
00:46:28,872 --> 00:46:31,374
Who is this guy
that just decides?"

1232
00:46:32,542 --> 00:46:33,752
These curators, right?

1233
00:46:33,835 --> 00:46:35,587
Like, Picasso, perfect example.

1234
00:46:35,670 --> 00:46:37,422
Did everything Picasso paint,

1235
00:46:37,505 --> 00:46:39,924
was it just automatically
a masterpiece?

1236
00:46:40,008 --> 00:46:41,528
Really, he would
just take the brush...

1237
00:46:42,344 --> 00:46:43,928
[rasping]

1238
00:46:45,555 --> 00:46:46,598
"Call the Louvre."

1239
00:46:46,681 --> 00:46:49,100
[audience laughing]

1240
00:46:50,894 --> 00:46:52,937
"Don Pablo's got another one."

1241
00:46:56,691 --> 00:46:59,152
Jackson Pollock, the drip guy.

1242
00:47:00,153 --> 00:47:02,155
Right, I mean,
are you kidding me?

1243
00:47:02,238 --> 00:47:03,656
This guy wasn't a good painter.

1244
00:47:03,740 --> 00:47:05,325
He painted,
finished the painting,

1245
00:47:05,408 --> 00:47:06,701
and it wasn't that good.

1246
00:47:06,785 --> 00:47:08,512
And then he looked down
at the floor, and said,

1247
00:47:08,536 --> 00:47:10,497
"The floor looks fantastic."

1248
00:47:12,415 --> 00:47:13,750
That's what he did,
the drippings.

1249
00:47:13,833 --> 00:47:15,835
I'm not even kidding,
there was a documentary

1250
00:47:15,919 --> 00:47:17,295
where Pollock, true story,

1251
00:47:17,379 --> 00:47:19,798
called his wife from upstairs
to come down,

1252
00:47:19,881 --> 00:47:22,133
after he did
his first drip painting.

1253
00:47:22,217 --> 00:47:25,637
And he said to her,
"Is this art?"

1254
00:47:25,720 --> 00:47:28,598
[scoffs]
"Guy, if you gotta ask...

1255
00:47:30,058 --> 00:47:32,060
you already got your answer.

1256
00:47:32,143 --> 00:47:33,895
It's a goddamn drop cloth."

1257
00:47:35,105 --> 00:47:36,940
Then the curator came in
and said,

1258
00:47:37,023 --> 00:47:38,858
"It's a masterpiece!"

1259
00:47:38,942 --> 00:47:40,652
Everyone's like,
"It's a masterpiece."

1260
00:47:40,735 --> 00:47:41,796
And everybody started drippin'.

1261
00:47:41,820 --> 00:47:43,071
Drip, drip, drip!

1262
00:47:44,739 --> 00:47:47,033
It's a crazy world,
that art world.

1263
00:47:47,117 --> 00:47:48,993
And they take as long
as they want, right?

1264
00:47:49,077 --> 00:47:50,829
You can't tell an artist
how long to take.

1265
00:47:50,912 --> 00:47:52,831
No other job could you do that.

1266
00:47:52,914 --> 00:47:54,225
Got a plumber come in,
and you go,

1267
00:47:54,249 --> 00:47:55,166
"How long
is this job gonna take?"

1268
00:47:55,250 --> 00:47:56,001
Imagine if your plumber went,

1269
00:47:56,084 --> 00:47:58,586
"Two days, two weeks,
two months...

1270
00:47:59,337 --> 00:48:00,505
When I feel it."

1271
00:48:02,465 --> 00:48:05,385
"Your negative energy just added
six months to the project.

1272
00:48:05,468 --> 00:48:08,013
I'll tell you that much
right now."

1273
00:48:08,096 --> 00:48:13,059
Michelangelo took 14 years
to paint the Sistine Chapel.

1274
00:48:13,143 --> 00:48:15,103
Fourteen years
to paint the ceiling.

1275
00:48:15,186 --> 00:48:17,063
You think that was
in the contract?

1276
00:48:18,356 --> 00:48:19,983
I mean, after the third year,

1277
00:48:20,066 --> 00:48:20,817
they must have been walking
in there, whispering, like,

1278
00:48:20,900 --> 00:48:24,612
"Oh, god. Here he is again
with the fucking ladder."

1279
00:48:26,489 --> 00:48:29,784
They're just yelling up,
"We just wanted it white!"

1280
00:48:29,868 --> 00:48:32,412
"What the fuck, guy?"

1281
00:48:32,495 --> 00:48:33,997
He's like,
"You're going to love it!

1282
00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:35,080
You might be dead,

1283
00:48:35,123 --> 00:48:36,958
but your family,
they will love."

1284
00:48:38,501 --> 00:48:40,503
That's how the Italians
really talk over there

1285
00:48:40,587 --> 00:48:41,629
when we're not there.

1286
00:48:43,298 --> 00:48:44,174
[clicks tongue]

1287
00:48:44,257 --> 00:48:45,091
Well, let's be honest, you know,

1288
00:48:45,175 --> 00:48:47,344
as far as painting
the ceiling at a chapel,

1289
00:48:47,427 --> 00:48:48,907
well, everyone,
anyone who's Catholic,

1290
00:48:48,970 --> 00:48:50,055
really, any religion,

1291
00:48:50,138 --> 00:48:51,931
but I'm Catholic,
and we all know

1292
00:48:52,015 --> 00:48:54,059
churches need
to be aesthetically

1293
00:48:54,142 --> 00:48:55,852
as beautiful as possible

1294
00:48:55,935 --> 00:48:57,645
to get through the hour.

1295
00:48:59,064 --> 00:49:01,191
We need as much shit to look at.

1296
00:49:02,025 --> 00:49:04,110
To get through one hour.

1297
00:49:04,194 --> 00:49:05,695
I just stare at the ceilings,

1298
00:49:05,779 --> 00:49:08,406
I'm like, "Are those
custom built? Look at those."

1299
00:49:08,490 --> 00:49:10,992
"More importantly,
was that 30 seconds

1300
00:49:11,076 --> 00:49:13,870
I just spent right there,
staring at the ceiling?"

1301
00:49:13,953 --> 00:49:15,747
And we go to church a lot now.

1302
00:49:15,830 --> 00:49:19,417
'Cause my daughter's five,
my wife thinks it's important.

1303
00:49:19,501 --> 00:49:22,170
Four o'clock mass,
every Saturday.

1304
00:49:22,253 --> 00:49:23,546
That's when we go to church.

1305
00:49:23,630 --> 00:49:25,423
We're gonna take
the funnest day of the week

1306
00:49:25,507 --> 00:49:27,342
and slice that shit

1307
00:49:27,425 --> 00:49:28,551
right in half.

1308
00:49:29,886 --> 00:49:31,012
Even in the summer.

1309
00:49:31,096 --> 00:49:32,764
Come on,
have you ever been in church

1310
00:49:32,847 --> 00:49:35,225
and you can smell barbecues?

1311
00:49:35,308 --> 00:49:37,435
Why are you in church?

1312
00:49:37,519 --> 00:49:38,645
Shit!

1313
00:49:40,313 --> 00:49:42,941
We've been at the lake,
me and my daughter in the lake,

1314
00:49:43,024 --> 00:49:44,543
and my wife would yell, like,
"Guys, come on.

1315
00:49:44,567 --> 00:49:45,694
We gotta go to church!"

1316
00:49:45,777 --> 00:49:47,088
I'm running out
of the water going,

1317
00:49:47,112 --> 00:49:49,614
"Don't yell that shit out loud!

1318
00:49:49,698 --> 00:49:51,866
You know how weird you sound?"

1319
00:49:51,950 --> 00:49:53,368
Even if Jesus was in the water,

1320
00:49:53,451 --> 00:49:56,788
he'd be like, "Fuck it,
we're not doing it today."

1321
00:49:56,871 --> 00:50:00,083
"Got a hot game of Marco Polo
going on right here."

1322
00:50:01,543 --> 00:50:03,545
[audience laughing]

1323
00:50:05,213 --> 00:50:07,590
The first time we brought
my daughter to church,

1324
00:50:07,674 --> 00:50:09,634
I don't shave that often,
and we walk in,

1325
00:50:09,718 --> 00:50:12,012
and there's a statue of Jesus
with a beard,

1326
00:50:12,095 --> 00:50:13,638
and she looks up at the statue

1327
00:50:13,722 --> 00:50:14,806
and she yells out,

1328
00:50:14,889 --> 00:50:17,142
"Daddy!"
[laughs]

1329
00:50:17,225 --> 00:50:20,228
I look at my wife, I go,
"The kid thinks I'm Jesus."

1330
00:50:21,062 --> 00:50:22,147
"My work is done."

1331
00:50:22,230 --> 00:50:24,399
[audience laughing]

1332
00:50:27,318 --> 00:50:28,820
Do these priest not know

1333
00:50:28,903 --> 00:50:30,780
we can't wait
to get outta there?

1334
00:50:30,864 --> 00:50:32,365
Like, do they not know?

1335
00:50:32,449 --> 00:50:35,118
Have we been so polite
that nobody has ever told them?

1336
00:50:35,201 --> 00:50:37,662
'Cause they show
no sign of realizing

1337
00:50:37,746 --> 00:50:40,331
we can't wait
to get the fuck outta there.

1338
00:50:41,833 --> 00:50:43,418
Right? It's amazing.

1339
00:50:44,419 --> 00:50:45,920
It blows my mind, I mean, like,

1340
00:50:46,004 --> 00:50:47,398
you know, has anyone
ever been to church

1341
00:50:47,422 --> 00:50:48,214
where the priest goes,
"Church has ended",

1342
00:50:48,298 --> 00:50:50,967
and then seeing someone go,
"Come on, no. Five more!

1343
00:50:51,051 --> 00:50:52,385
Five more."

1344
00:50:55,555 --> 00:50:58,641
We just want the bread,
and they just want the money.

1345
00:50:58,725 --> 00:50:59,976
That's it.

1346
00:51:00,060 --> 00:51:02,187
I need the body of Christ.

1347
00:51:02,270 --> 00:51:03,581
Especially if you have
a big week.

1348
00:51:03,605 --> 00:51:06,191
It's like a rabbit's foot,
it's good luck.

1349
00:51:06,274 --> 00:51:08,234
"I need the bread.
I got a lot going on this week,

1350
00:51:08,276 --> 00:51:09,486
I need the bread."

1351
00:51:11,613 --> 00:51:13,090
That's the thing,
when you go to church,

1352
00:51:13,114 --> 00:51:14,574
at least in my church,

1353
00:51:14,657 --> 00:51:16,701
and you go to get
the body of Christ, the bread,

1354
00:51:16,785 --> 00:51:18,661
there's two lines.

1355
00:51:18,745 --> 00:51:20,372
One is the priest.

1356
00:51:20,455 --> 00:51:25,502
And another line, is some guy
in a men's warehouse suit.

1357
00:51:25,585 --> 00:51:28,338
Whatever. It's just some dude
in a cheap suit.

1358
00:51:28,421 --> 00:51:30,090
And he's doling out
the bread too.

1359
00:51:30,173 --> 00:51:31,591
I always tell my wife,

1360
00:51:31,675 --> 00:51:33,475
"Don't get the bread
from the guy in the suit.

1361
00:51:33,760 --> 00:51:35,220
It's not as powerful."

1362
00:51:37,055 --> 00:51:38,306
[chuckles]

1363
00:51:39,224 --> 00:51:41,643
What is he even doing?

1364
00:51:41,726 --> 00:51:44,020
Who is that guy, right?

1365
00:51:44,104 --> 00:51:44,938
I mean, like come on,
that would be like

1366
00:51:45,021 --> 00:51:46,064
if you were at a Benihana

1367
00:51:46,147 --> 00:51:48,775
and you got the Asian guy
slicing up your food,

1368
00:51:48,858 --> 00:51:51,111
then he walks away
and another guy walks up,

1369
00:51:51,194 --> 00:51:54,280
"Hi, I'm Keith.
I'm gonna be finishing up here."

1370
00:51:54,364 --> 00:51:56,484
"Um, look, no, Keith.
I'm need the guy with the thing,

1371
00:51:56,533 --> 00:51:57,826
it's the whole thing, Keith.

1372
00:51:57,909 --> 00:51:59,494
It's the whole thing."

1373
00:51:59,577 --> 00:52:02,414
The guy in the cheap suit
is usually the guy who later on

1374
00:52:02,497 --> 00:52:03,665
gets the money.

1375
00:52:05,208 --> 00:52:06,751
Churches do it
two different ways.

1376
00:52:06,835 --> 00:52:09,379
Some churches do a basket hand
from person to person.

1377
00:52:09,462 --> 00:52:11,339
That's a little more civil.

1378
00:52:11,423 --> 00:52:15,135
My church does the stick
on the end of the basket.

1379
00:52:15,218 --> 00:52:16,636
So the guy does the lunge.

1380
00:52:16,720 --> 00:52:18,722
[audience laughing]

1381
00:52:21,016 --> 00:52:22,267
And if you don't put in,

1382
00:52:22,350 --> 00:52:24,769
he "eyesballs" you
for two more lunges.

1383
00:52:24,853 --> 00:52:26,604
Like, just a...

1384
00:52:26,688 --> 00:52:29,357
"I'll be back for you.
I come back two more times."

1385
00:52:31,735 --> 00:52:32,944
[chuckles]

1386
00:52:36,906 --> 00:52:40,118
These priests, don't they know,
we would go to church more often

1387
00:52:40,201 --> 00:52:42,579
if they would shorten it, man.

1388
00:52:42,662 --> 00:52:44,873
I cursed in church
last Christmas Eve.

1389
00:52:45,874 --> 00:52:47,125
I literally cursed.

1390
00:52:47,208 --> 00:52:48,918
I walked in there,
it was a full choir

1391
00:52:49,002 --> 00:52:50,295
that's not normally there.

1392
00:52:50,378 --> 00:52:52,797
I see the whole choir and I go,
"Oh, shit."

1393
00:52:54,674 --> 00:52:56,092
All right.

1394
00:52:56,176 --> 00:52:57,403
And my wife goes,
"Why, you don't like the music?"

1395
00:52:57,427 --> 00:52:58,928
I go, "No, I like the music

1396
00:52:59,012 --> 00:53:02,390
if it's gonna take away
from the priest's talk time."

1397
00:53:02,474 --> 00:53:04,142
"But if the music
is gonna be tacked on

1398
00:53:04,225 --> 00:53:05,143
to the entire mass,

1399
00:53:05,226 --> 00:53:07,145
then shut the music down, man.

1400
00:53:07,228 --> 00:53:08,646
Shut it down."

1401
00:53:10,315 --> 00:53:11,441
Why, do they need it?

1402
00:53:11,524 --> 00:53:13,318
Now, if I was a priest,
I would do that,

1403
00:53:13,401 --> 00:53:14,986
as a little gift
to my parishioners.

1404
00:53:15,070 --> 00:53:16,196
Every once in a while,

1405
00:53:16,279 --> 00:53:18,573
I would have
a really short mass.

1406
00:53:18,656 --> 00:53:21,493
And you'll never know
when it was coming.

1407
00:53:21,576 --> 00:53:23,495
That's what would make it
so exciting, man.

1408
00:53:23,578 --> 00:53:24,996
You'd just be driving to church,

1409
00:53:25,080 --> 00:53:26,998
"I hope it's one
of the short ones."

1410
00:53:27,082 --> 00:53:28,625
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

1411
00:53:31,127 --> 00:53:32,796
I'm talking super short, man.

1412
00:53:32,879 --> 00:53:35,006
I'm talking five minutes
before church starts,

1413
00:53:35,090 --> 00:53:36,800
I'm looking at the altar boy,

1414
00:53:36,883 --> 00:53:38,134
and the organ guy.

1415
00:53:38,218 --> 00:53:39,511
I'm like, "Start up the organ.

1416
00:53:39,594 --> 00:53:41,429
Get the bread ready.
As soon as they come in,

1417
00:53:41,513 --> 00:53:43,390
we're going
right into the bread."

1418
00:53:43,932 --> 00:53:46,184
[audience laugh]

1419
00:53:46,267 --> 00:53:47,828
Can you imagine that,
as soon as you walk in,

1420
00:53:47,852 --> 00:53:50,230
the priest is like,
"This is the body of Christ!"

1421
00:53:51,106 --> 00:53:52,226
Everyone's like, "Holy shit.

1422
00:53:52,273 --> 00:53:53,942
Keep your coats on.

1423
00:53:54,025 --> 00:53:55,902
We're gonna be outta here
in five minutes."

1424
00:53:59,989 --> 00:54:01,616
[Pete chuckles]

1425
00:54:01,700 --> 00:54:02,784
[exhales deeply]

1426
00:54:04,077 --> 00:54:05,912
I'd do a drive-by
with the bread.

1427
00:54:05,995 --> 00:54:07,372
Once a week.

1428
00:54:07,455 --> 00:54:10,208
Like a bank, every Wednesday,
five to seven.

1429
00:54:10,291 --> 00:54:12,210
You just pull up
the whole family in the car,

1430
00:54:12,293 --> 00:54:13,562
like when you go
to a Rite Aid for drugs.

1431
00:54:13,586 --> 00:54:15,130
As the priest,
I just get on the mic,

1432
00:54:15,213 --> 00:54:16,440
"How many gettin'
in the car, four?

1433
00:54:16,464 --> 00:54:17,664
Give me four pieces of bread."

1434
00:54:18,675 --> 00:54:20,010
I just hand it through the car.

1435
00:54:20,093 --> 00:54:22,512
I bless the whole car.
Boom, there you go.

1436
00:54:23,972 --> 00:54:26,558
I ended up in a graveyard
with my daughter, we had a...

1437
00:54:26,641 --> 00:54:28,476
Real quick,
I'll tell you this one.

1438
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:29,811
We were on a three-bike ride.

1439
00:54:29,894 --> 00:54:31,479
I have my daughter
on the back of a...

1440
00:54:31,563 --> 00:54:32,897
little trailer hitch thing.

1441
00:54:32,981 --> 00:54:34,816
And my wife was on another bike.

1442
00:54:34,899 --> 00:54:36,526
My daughter fell asleep.

1443
00:54:36,609 --> 00:54:38,987
And then, I get a flat tire.

1444
00:54:39,070 --> 00:54:40,256
So I told my wife, "All right,

1445
00:54:40,280 --> 00:54:41,072
I'll undo this,
you take the bike back.

1446
00:54:41,156 --> 00:54:41,823
I'm gonna take her.
She's still sleeping.

1447
00:54:41,906 --> 00:54:45,827
I'll walk her through
this old graveyard,

1448
00:54:45,910 --> 00:54:48,288
I'll meet you at the...
in the old cemetery."

1449
00:54:48,371 --> 00:54:49,998
My daughter still sleeping,

1450
00:54:50,081 --> 00:54:52,281
I got her in this little back
trailer thing on the bike.

1451
00:54:52,334 --> 00:54:53,626
And then we get in the cemetery,

1452
00:54:53,710 --> 00:54:55,670
and I'm waiting for my wife,

1453
00:54:55,754 --> 00:54:58,590
and I'm leaning against a tree,
and my daughter wakes up.

1454
00:54:58,673 --> 00:55:01,634
Now, when she fell asleep,
she was on the back of a bike.

1455
00:55:01,718 --> 00:55:03,762
Now there's no bike, no Mom,

1456
00:55:03,845 --> 00:55:05,597
she's in the middle
of an old cemetery

1457
00:55:05,680 --> 00:55:08,683
with big giant angel statues.

1458
00:55:08,767 --> 00:55:11,269
And then she sees her dad
sitting against a tree

1459
00:55:11,353 --> 00:55:12,395
ten yards away.

1460
00:55:12,479 --> 00:55:13,813
I couldn't resist, man.

1461
00:55:13,897 --> 00:55:16,441
I just looked at her,
I'm like, "We died."

1462
00:55:16,524 --> 00:55:19,652
[audience laughing]

1463
00:55:19,736 --> 00:55:22,572
"This is where you go
when you're waiting for Jesus."

1464
00:55:25,492 --> 00:55:27,744
My wife comes walking up,
"Hey, guys!"

1465
00:55:27,827 --> 00:55:31,456
She's like,
"Daddy said we died!"

1466
00:55:31,539 --> 00:55:33,434
My wife's like, "What the fuck
is wrong with you?"

1467
00:55:33,458 --> 00:55:34,685
I'm like,
"What' s wrong with you?

1468
00:55:34,709 --> 00:55:36,461
Cursing in a cemetery?
Get it together.

1469
00:55:36,544 --> 00:55:37,879
Get it together."

1470
00:55:40,298 --> 00:55:41,966
[sighs]

1471
00:55:43,009 --> 00:55:44,636
Oh, man.

1472
00:55:45,762 --> 00:55:47,639
I like the small-town living,
though.

1473
00:55:47,722 --> 00:55:49,808
Certain aspects, others...

1474
00:55:49,891 --> 00:55:51,851
Like, I got a mouse,
I had a mouse recently.

1475
00:55:51,935 --> 00:55:53,395
Oh, boy.

1476
00:55:53,478 --> 00:55:55,063
You don't even see
the mouse at first.

1477
00:55:55,146 --> 00:55:56,374
I can't be the only one, right?

1478
00:55:56,398 --> 00:55:56,981
You ever like,
like, we come down,

1479
00:55:57,065 --> 00:56:00,443
I see
the little mouse droplings.

1480
00:56:00,527 --> 00:56:02,445
On the kitchen counter, oh.

1481
00:56:02,529 --> 00:56:04,489
Anyway, I'm in denial.

1482
00:56:04,572 --> 00:56:05,865
I'm looking
at my wife, I'm like,

1483
00:56:05,949 --> 00:56:07,033
"Did you have a bagel?"

1484
00:56:07,117 --> 00:56:09,786
[audience laughing]

1485
00:56:09,869 --> 00:56:11,788
And you know
it's not poppy seeds.

1486
00:56:11,871 --> 00:56:15,000
You know it's not
as you're saying it.

1487
00:56:15,083 --> 00:56:17,252
Do the mice know
they're shitting everywhere?

1488
00:56:17,335 --> 00:56:19,045
I always wonder, right?

1489
00:56:19,129 --> 00:56:20,731
Like, you think the mice were
ever looking through the hole,

1490
00:56:20,755 --> 00:56:22,298
watching us set up the trap,

1491
00:56:22,382 --> 00:56:22,924
they're like, "Oh, they're
setting up the trap again.

1492
00:56:23,008 --> 00:56:25,552
How the hell they know
we're out there?"

1493
00:56:26,136 --> 00:56:27,429
The other mouse is like,

1494
00:56:27,512 --> 00:56:29,112
"'Cause you're
shittin' everywhere, Phil.

1495
00:56:29,764 --> 00:56:30,890
Just fresh...

1496
00:56:30,974 --> 00:56:32,600
Why don't you just leave
a goddamn map?"

1497
00:56:34,102 --> 00:56:35,579
"Is that me? I don't even know
I'm doing that.

1498
00:56:35,603 --> 00:56:37,373
I need one of those things
that the horses have

1499
00:56:37,397 --> 00:56:38,732
in Central Park."

1500
00:56:40,859 --> 00:56:42,819
But that's what we do,
we set the metal trap,

1501
00:56:42,902 --> 00:56:45,030
we put a little peanut butter
on the end of it.

1502
00:56:45,113 --> 00:56:46,614
I'm talking ten days straight,

1503
00:56:46,698 --> 00:56:50,785
I wake up, peanut butter gone,
trap's not snappin'.

1504
00:56:50,869 --> 00:56:53,663
So now, I gotta go
to my local hardware store.

1505
00:56:53,747 --> 00:56:56,458
To go see Tomee,
with a double "e".

1506
00:56:56,541 --> 00:56:57,893
That's what he tells you
when you meet him.

1507
00:56:57,917 --> 00:56:59,395
He's like, "It's Tomee,
with a double 'e'."

1508
00:56:59,419 --> 00:57:00,712
I...

1509
00:57:00,795 --> 00:57:02,315
wasn't gonna send you
a Christmas card,

1510
00:57:02,339 --> 00:57:03,465
but good to know.

1511
00:57:03,548 --> 00:57:05,759
[audience laughing]

1512
00:57:07,302 --> 00:57:08,595
I told him my situation,

1513
00:57:08,678 --> 00:57:10,388
and he said
the trap's not snapping

1514
00:57:10,472 --> 00:57:12,682
because my mouse was too light.

1515
00:57:12,766 --> 00:57:14,392
Which was a little hard
to understand,

1516
00:57:14,476 --> 00:57:15,828
considering the mouse
had gone through

1517
00:57:15,852 --> 00:57:18,897
a jar and a half
of Skippy peanut butter.

1518
00:57:18,980 --> 00:57:20,820
You would think it would be
a little clogged up

1519
00:57:20,857 --> 00:57:22,442
at this point.

1520
00:57:22,525 --> 00:57:25,737
He must be on a little treadmill
in between the sheetrock.

1521
00:57:25,820 --> 00:57:27,947
Banging out three miles a day.

1522
00:57:29,157 --> 00:57:31,785
He says that I gotta put down
a glue trap.

1523
00:57:31,868 --> 00:57:33,308
Now, I don't know
anyone in this room

1524
00:57:33,370 --> 00:57:35,121
who's ever used a glue trap
to catch,

1525
00:57:35,205 --> 00:57:36,456
to catch a mouse, knows,

1526
00:57:36,539 --> 00:57:37,957
these glue traps

1527
00:57:38,041 --> 00:57:40,794
need to come with
a little warning sign that says,

1528
00:57:40,877 --> 00:57:43,171
"Are you emotionally prepared...

1529
00:57:44,673 --> 00:57:46,091
to see this through?"

1530
00:57:46,174 --> 00:57:47,634
[audience laughing]

1531
00:57:47,717 --> 00:57:49,177
"Do you understand..."

1532
00:57:49,260 --> 00:57:50,655
Like it needs to come
with a diagram on the back

1533
00:57:50,679 --> 00:57:52,847
showing a mouse wiggling.

1534
00:57:54,849 --> 00:57:56,309
'Cause you just
don't think about it.

1535
00:57:56,393 --> 00:57:57,018
I come down the next morning
and I see something.

1536
00:57:57,102 --> 00:58:01,147
I'm like yelling to my wife,
"It's alive!"

1537
00:58:01,231 --> 00:58:03,817
[audience laughing]

1538
00:58:03,900 --> 00:58:06,027
My wife comes in. We're both
looking at it, wiggling.

1539
00:58:06,111 --> 00:58:08,113
And she's like, "Oh, my god.
We have to help it."

1540
00:58:08,196 --> 00:58:09,715
That's what she said. I go,
"Well, I mean, technically,

1541
00:58:09,739 --> 00:58:11,759
we're trying to kill it.
That's what you mean, right?

1542
00:58:11,783 --> 00:58:13,177
By helping it,
you mean kill it quickly?

1543
00:58:13,201 --> 00:58:14,369
Is that what you mean?"

1544
00:58:14,452 --> 00:58:15,328
Then she goes,
"Let's fill up the sink

1545
00:58:15,412 --> 00:58:18,206
and then we'll dunk it
in the water in the sink."

1546
00:58:18,289 --> 00:58:20,959
I'm like, "You want
to waterboard the mouse?"

1547
00:58:22,085 --> 00:58:24,379
[audience laughing]

1548
00:58:24,462 --> 00:58:25,982
Then she goes,
"God, to hell with this."

1549
00:58:26,006 --> 00:58:29,300
And she grabs a knife
out of the butcher block.

1550
00:58:29,384 --> 00:58:30,969
Now, I've been married
almost 20 years.

1551
00:58:31,052 --> 00:58:33,596
The entire time, I thought
my wife was Polish,

1552
00:58:33,680 --> 00:58:34,931
in this exact moment,

1553
00:58:35,015 --> 00:58:37,726
I'm like,
"Oh, this broad is Russian."

1554
00:58:39,561 --> 00:58:41,938
"She's been lying, man!"

1555
00:58:42,022 --> 00:58:44,649
Then she turns the knife
to the dull side,

1556
00:58:44,733 --> 00:58:46,776
presses it against
the mouse's neck,

1557
00:58:46,860 --> 00:58:50,321
and with her free fingers,
she pets its head

1558
00:58:50,405 --> 00:58:53,491
while she euthanizes the mouse

1559
00:58:53,575 --> 00:58:55,326
right next to the toaster.

1560
00:58:56,911 --> 00:58:59,247
This is more than
I signed up for

1561
00:58:59,330 --> 00:59:00,999
on a Wednesday, man.

1562
00:59:01,666 --> 00:59:04,002
[audience laughing]

1563
00:59:04,085 --> 00:59:06,504
A couple days later,
I'm back in the hardware store,

1564
00:59:06,588 --> 00:59:08,173
I see Tomee, with a double "e".

1565
00:59:11,092 --> 00:59:12,361
He's like,
"Did you get a mouse?"

1566
00:59:12,385 --> 00:59:14,220
I'm like, "Oh, we got one."

1567
00:59:14,304 --> 00:59:15,823
He's like, "How do you know
there's not more?"

1568
00:59:15,847 --> 00:59:17,557
I'm like, "Bro, even if
there were more,

1569
00:59:17,640 --> 00:59:19,934
once they all witnessed
the execution...

1570
00:59:21,853 --> 00:59:23,897
there's no more mice
in Fredonia."

1571
00:59:25,273 --> 00:59:26,900
I'm gonna hang one guy, come on.

1572
00:59:26,983 --> 00:59:29,361
I gotta... I, I buried my dog.
We had a dog.

1573
00:59:29,444 --> 00:59:30,987
We had to bury it
in our backyard.

1574
00:59:31,654 --> 00:59:32,989
Illegally.

1575
00:59:34,532 --> 00:59:36,117
We go out now,
every Christmas Eve.

1576
00:59:36,201 --> 00:59:37,702
We started a tradition.

1577
00:59:37,786 --> 00:59:40,372
We light a candle,
we sing a few Christmas carols

1578
00:59:40,455 --> 00:59:41,895
- by the dog's grave.
- [woman 7] Aw.

1579
00:59:41,956 --> 00:59:43,667
My father heard me
say that too, right?

1580
00:59:43,750 --> 00:59:45,770
And he goes, "Oh, when I die,
are you gonna come to my grave

1581
00:59:45,794 --> 00:59:47,671
every Christmas Eve
and light a candle?"

1582
00:59:47,754 --> 00:59:49,190
[chuckles]
And I go, "If you're buried

1583
00:59:49,214 --> 00:59:50,674
behind my garage, yeah."

1584
00:59:50,757 --> 00:59:52,509
[audience laugh]

1585
00:59:52,592 --> 00:59:54,094
[chuckles]

1586
00:59:54,177 --> 00:59:56,297
Let's not forget the convenience
factor going on here.

1587
00:59:58,848 --> 01:00:00,558
A Christmas tradition.

1588
01:00:00,642 --> 01:00:02,102
My wife loves Christmas.

1589
01:00:02,185 --> 01:00:02,936
This past summer, she goes,
she literally goes,

1590
01:00:03,019 --> 01:00:05,897
"We have to start thinking about
our Christmas card."

1591
01:00:05,980 --> 01:00:07,482
'Cause we always make a...

1592
01:00:07,565 --> 01:00:09,192
a funny Christmas card.

1593
01:00:09,275 --> 01:00:10,628
And she's like, "It's gonna
be cold before you know it.

1594
01:00:10,652 --> 01:00:11,903
Winter's coming."

1595
01:00:11,986 --> 01:00:13,506
I'm like, "Listen,
we gotta start thinking

1596
01:00:13,530 --> 01:00:14,989
about a new roof."

1597
01:00:15,490 --> 01:00:17,242
"Prioritize."

1598
01:00:17,325 --> 01:00:19,577
It's what I had.
I got this old Victorian house,

1599
01:00:19,661 --> 01:00:21,413
my roof was such a nightmare.

1600
01:00:21,496 --> 01:00:24,124
That whenever there was like,
any kind of a windstorm,

1601
01:00:24,207 --> 01:00:27,585
my roof shingles would end up
in my neighbor's yards.

1602
01:00:27,669 --> 01:00:29,146
Like, my one neighbor
came over one day,

1603
01:00:29,170 --> 01:00:31,715
with all my roof shingles
in a bundle.

1604
01:00:31,798 --> 01:00:33,049
Kevin, my neighbor Kevin.

1605
01:00:33,133 --> 01:00:33,925
He's like,
"This, this all fell in my yard.

1606
01:00:34,009 --> 01:00:36,803
Just wanna bring you back
your roof shingles."

1607
01:00:36,886 --> 01:00:38,155
Then he leaves,
and my wife goes,

1608
01:00:38,179 --> 01:00:39,539
"That was
so considerate of Kevin."

1609
01:00:39,597 --> 01:00:40,473
I'm like, "Considerate?

1610
01:00:40,557 --> 01:00:41,575
That was Kevin's way of saying,

1611
01:00:41,599 --> 01:00:45,353
'Fix your white trash,
piece of shit roof.'"

1612
01:00:46,563 --> 01:00:49,274
"Are you kidding me?
Read the room!"

1613
01:00:49,357 --> 01:00:51,484
Like, Kevin's back
to his wife right now going,

1614
01:00:51,568 --> 01:00:54,404
"Yeah, I dropped the shingles
right on the fucking porch.

1615
01:00:54,487 --> 01:00:55,756
If they didn't get
the message now,

1616
01:00:55,780 --> 01:00:57,032
they never will."

1617
01:00:59,951 --> 01:01:01,828
So I call
three different roofers

1618
01:01:01,911 --> 01:01:03,705
to come take a look at my roof.

1619
01:01:03,788 --> 01:01:06,124
It's got three different levels,
it's old Victorian.

1620
01:01:06,207 --> 01:01:08,877
I'm not kidding you,
every one of these roofers,

1621
01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:12,589
in one form or another,
said my roof was too high.

1622
01:01:12,672 --> 01:01:14,650
Like, the last guy, he didn't
even get out of the truck.

1623
01:01:14,674 --> 01:01:15,884
He just looks up and he goes,

1624
01:01:15,967 --> 01:01:17,407
"Oh, yeah.
No, I don't go that high."

1625
01:01:17,802 --> 01:01:18,928
What the fu...

1626
01:01:19,012 --> 01:01:21,306
I go, "No, bro.
That's my line to you."

1627
01:01:22,766 --> 01:01:25,143
[chuckles]
"I say I don't go that high,

1628
01:01:25,226 --> 01:01:26,269
so I called you."

1629
01:01:27,062 --> 01:01:28,688
Can a roofer even say that?

1630
01:01:28,772 --> 01:01:30,940
Can I report that shit?

1631
01:01:31,024 --> 01:01:32,650
Like, if the roof was down here,

1632
01:01:32,734 --> 01:01:34,861
I wouldn't need you.
I would do it myself.

1633
01:01:35,612 --> 01:01:37,864
Or I would call a floorer.

1634
01:01:38,490 --> 01:01:41,159
[audience laughing]

1635
01:01:41,242 --> 01:01:42,827
That would be
like an exterminator

1636
01:01:42,911 --> 01:01:44,271
coming out
of your basement, going,

1637
01:01:44,329 --> 01:01:46,456
"Oh, those are big bugs.
I do the little bugs.

1638
01:01:46,539 --> 01:01:48,958
Gotta call the big bug guy."

1639
01:01:52,253 --> 01:01:54,673
I literally didn't know
what I was gonna do, right.

1640
01:01:54,756 --> 01:01:56,591
Then my father-in-law tells me

1641
01:01:56,675 --> 01:01:58,593
that he knows
an old-time Amish guy

1642
01:01:58,677 --> 01:02:00,345
that used to do roofs.

1643
01:02:00,428 --> 01:02:02,681
He doesn't know
if this guy still does roofs,

1644
01:02:02,764 --> 01:02:04,516
but he's got a phone number.

1645
01:02:04,599 --> 01:02:05,892
And he said that when you call,

1646
01:02:05,975 --> 01:02:07,735
you gotta let the phone ring
for a long time.

1647
01:02:07,769 --> 01:02:09,354
They got one phone, on a pole,

1648
01:02:09,437 --> 01:02:11,398
in the middle
of their Amish community.

1649
01:02:12,774 --> 01:02:15,902
And eventually, somebody
will come answer that.

1650
01:02:15,985 --> 01:02:18,071
Lived in New York City
for 22 years,

1651
01:02:18,154 --> 01:02:20,782
now my wife and I
are calling an Amish guy.

1652
01:02:21,741 --> 01:02:23,076
So I'm like, 24 rings,

1653
01:02:23,159 --> 01:02:25,245
and my wife goes, "Anything yet?
Anything yet?"

1654
01:02:25,328 --> 01:02:26,871
"Which, by the way,
am I talking?

1655
01:02:26,955 --> 01:02:28,373
Am I fucking talking then, man?"

1656
01:02:29,290 --> 01:02:30,792
[audience laughing]

1657
01:02:30,875 --> 01:02:32,228
I couldn't bite my tongue,
I'm like,

1658
01:02:32,252 --> 01:02:34,504
"Yeah, no, he picked up.
I'm just ignoring him."

1659
01:02:36,297 --> 01:02:38,967
[audience laughing]

1660
01:02:39,050 --> 01:02:40,444
And she goes,
"Well, where are they? God.

1661
01:02:40,468 --> 01:02:41,344
How many rings are we on?"

1662
01:02:41,428 --> 01:02:42,178
And I go, "I'm on 32 rings.

1663
01:02:42,262 --> 01:02:44,764
I don't know.
Is this a lot of rings?"

1664
01:02:44,848 --> 01:02:46,182
But I don't wanna hang up,

1665
01:02:46,266 --> 01:02:48,101
and then talk to a guy
who knows Amish people,

1666
01:02:48,184 --> 01:02:50,270
and he goes,
"You hung up on 32 rings?

1667
01:02:50,353 --> 01:02:53,231
No, it's gotta ring
like, 50, 60 times, guy."

1668
01:02:56,026 --> 01:02:57,277
The Amish guy answered

1669
01:02:57,360 --> 01:02:58,820
on like ring 38.

1670
01:02:58,903 --> 01:03:00,881
Thirty-eight rings,
the Amish guy answers like this,

1671
01:03:00,905 --> 01:03:02,198
he goes, "Hel-lo."

1672
01:03:03,825 --> 01:03:05,076
[scoffs]

1673
01:03:05,160 --> 01:03:06,995
Like it's a breezy
Sunday afternoon.

1674
01:03:07,078 --> 01:03:08,955
And he caught it on ring two.

1675
01:03:09,039 --> 01:03:10,373
Just a, "Hel-lo."

1676
01:03:11,374 --> 01:03:12,876
After 38 rings,

1677
01:03:12,959 --> 01:03:15,587
don't you expect someone
to answer out of breath, like,

1678
01:03:15,670 --> 01:03:17,756
[screams]
"Holy shit!"

1679
01:03:17,839 --> 01:03:19,382
"I was running through
a cornfield,

1680
01:03:19,466 --> 01:03:21,092
what's up?"

1681
01:03:21,176 --> 01:03:23,345
"I can't believe
you let it keep ringing!"

1682
01:03:24,679 --> 01:03:25,764
Fucking...

1683
01:03:25,847 --> 01:03:27,182
"Hel-lo."

1684
01:03:30,185 --> 01:03:32,687
So I tell him my situation.

1685
01:03:32,771 --> 01:03:35,106
He says he can come
take a look at my roof.

1686
01:03:35,690 --> 01:03:37,025
Uh, but you know,

1687
01:03:37,108 --> 01:03:39,027
he can get to
the Home Depot parking lot,

1688
01:03:39,110 --> 01:03:41,946
I gotta pick him up
at the Home Depot parking lot.

1689
01:03:42,030 --> 01:03:43,323
He's the level of Amish

1690
01:03:43,406 --> 01:03:45,492
where he can't drive
a motorized vehicle,

1691
01:03:45,575 --> 01:03:49,037
but he could be driven
in a motorized vehicle.

1692
01:03:50,705 --> 01:03:52,665
Pretty convenient level
of Amish to me.

1693
01:03:52,749 --> 01:03:54,542
[audience laughing]

1694
01:03:55,960 --> 01:03:57,754
Sounds a little bit
like built-in Uber

1695
01:03:57,837 --> 01:04:00,131
from where I'm standing.

1696
01:04:00,215 --> 01:04:02,926
[chuckles]
I would sign up for that shit.

1697
01:04:03,009 --> 01:04:04,928
I'd love to have that
being Catholic, right?

1698
01:04:05,011 --> 01:04:06,554
You're in a bar,
four in the morning.

1699
01:04:06,638 --> 01:04:07,758
"Billy, give me a ride home?

1700
01:04:07,806 --> 01:04:09,099
I mean, I'd drive myself,

1701
01:04:09,182 --> 01:04:11,351
but fucking Pope
and the new rules and shit."

1702
01:04:12,352 --> 01:04:13,561
[snickers]

1703
01:04:16,064 --> 01:04:17,816
So I hang up.
Right away, my wife goes,

1704
01:04:17,899 --> 01:04:19,293
"Way to go,
you didn't figure out where

1705
01:04:19,317 --> 01:04:19,984
you're gonna meet him
at the Home Depot."

1706
01:04:20,068 --> 01:04:22,320
I go, "Well, I guess
I'll just have to look

1707
01:04:22,404 --> 01:04:24,864
for the guy
dressed like a pilgrim."

1708
01:04:24,948 --> 01:04:26,282
"I mean...

1709
01:04:26,366 --> 01:04:27,784
Come on.

1710
01:04:27,867 --> 01:04:30,203
You act like he's gonna be
in an Adidas tracksuit."

1711
01:04:31,913 --> 01:04:33,248
"Oh, there you are, Jebediah.

1712
01:04:33,331 --> 01:04:35,333
I didn't see you
stretching over there."

1713
01:04:40,672 --> 01:04:43,967
There he was with the hat,
and the overalls,

1714
01:04:44,050 --> 01:04:45,802
the beard,
the whole thing, right?

1715
01:04:45,885 --> 01:04:46,970
Damn.

1716
01:04:47,053 --> 01:04:50,849
He gets in
my 2006 Subaru Outback.

1717
01:04:50,932 --> 01:04:52,434
It's like 72 degrees out,

1718
01:04:52,517 --> 01:04:55,520
but I put the seat warmers
on anyway.

1719
01:04:55,603 --> 01:04:57,397
I turn the air-condition on.

1720
01:04:57,480 --> 01:04:58,606
Radio on.

1721
01:04:58,690 --> 01:05:00,025
I'm doing the wiper fluid.

1722
01:05:00,108 --> 01:05:04,279
Any technology I had,
I was firing it up!

1723
01:05:06,114 --> 01:05:07,615
Just my subtle way of saying,

1724
01:05:07,699 --> 01:05:10,910
"Look at all this shit
you're missing out on, guy."

1725
01:05:10,994 --> 01:05:14,039
"What are you doing?
It's crazy!"

1726
01:05:15,457 --> 01:05:18,752
I'm telling you, if I was
driving a Lexus or a BMW,

1727
01:05:18,835 --> 01:05:20,253
by the time I hit my driveway,

1728
01:05:20,337 --> 01:05:20,795
he would have said,
"I can't take it, I quit.

1729
01:05:20,879 --> 01:05:23,381
I'm not Amish anymore.
I'm not Amish."

1730
01:05:23,465 --> 01:05:25,467
Man, when I'm driving
the Amish guy too,

1731
01:05:25,550 --> 01:05:26,718
it's like,

1732
01:05:26,801 --> 01:05:26,926
could have took him
straight home,

1733
01:05:27,010 --> 01:05:28,094
I went down Main Street.

1734
01:05:28,178 --> 01:05:31,139
Even though I didn't have
to go down Main Street.

1735
01:05:31,222 --> 01:05:32,974
When you got an Amish guy
in the car,

1736
01:05:33,058 --> 01:05:34,559
that's like having a deer

1737
01:05:34,642 --> 01:05:36,519
in the car.

1738
01:05:36,603 --> 01:05:38,730
I just wanted to see one buddy,
to give him that look.

1739
01:05:38,813 --> 01:05:41,316
"Hey, what's up? What's up, guy?

1740
01:05:41,399 --> 01:05:43,026
Then I see my buddy
at the bar later,

1741
01:05:43,109 --> 01:05:44,909
he's like, "Was there
an Amish guy in the car?

1742
01:05:44,944 --> 01:05:46,112
"You saw that? You saw that?

1743
01:05:46,196 --> 01:05:47,673
I wanted you to see it,
you saw that?"

1744
01:05:47,697 --> 01:05:48,990
[chuckles]
"Yeah!

1745
01:05:49,074 --> 01:05:51,201
Yeah, he was in there.
He was in there!"

1746
01:05:52,327 --> 01:05:54,245
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

1747
01:05:55,830 --> 01:05:57,332
And we pull up
at my house, right?

1748
01:05:57,415 --> 01:05:59,918
Three roofers bail on this roof
'cause it's too high,

1749
01:06:00,001 --> 01:06:01,419
and the Amish guy gets out,

1750
01:06:01,503 --> 01:06:03,129
without skipping a beat,

1751
01:06:03,213 --> 01:06:05,131
he looks up at my roof
and he goes,

1752
01:06:05,215 --> 01:06:06,508
"Do you have a ladder

1753
01:06:06,591 --> 01:06:08,635
that could get me
all the way up there?"

1754
01:06:08,718 --> 01:06:11,346
I go, "No, man. I don't have
a ladder that goes that high."

1755
01:06:11,429 --> 01:06:12,823
"Do you have a ladder
that could get me up

1756
01:06:12,847 --> 01:06:14,599
to your porch roof?"

1757
01:06:14,683 --> 01:06:17,435
I said, "Yeah, no,
I got a ladder for that."

1758
01:06:17,519 --> 01:06:18,645
So I get the ladder.

1759
01:06:18,728 --> 01:06:20,438
He climbs up
to my porch roof, right.

1760
01:06:20,522 --> 01:06:22,899
Then he leans down,
he grabs the ladder,

1761
01:06:22,982 --> 01:06:24,150
and pulls it up.

1762
01:06:24,234 --> 01:06:26,444
Puts it on the roof
of the porch.

1763
01:06:26,528 --> 01:06:29,531
Climbs up to the next level,
grabs the ladder again.

1764
01:06:29,614 --> 01:06:33,159
"Holy shit!"
I can't even look at this point.

1765
01:06:33,243 --> 01:06:36,287
Like, my insurance
doesn't cover this shit.

1766
01:06:36,371 --> 01:06:38,873
Like, I got a buddy
who owns a carwash in town,

1767
01:06:38,957 --> 01:06:40,667
he lets me throw stuff
in his dumpster

1768
01:06:40,750 --> 01:06:42,168
from time to time.

1769
01:06:42,252 --> 01:06:44,052
That's what's going through
my head right now.

1770
01:06:44,379 --> 01:06:45,839
Yeah.

1771
01:06:45,922 --> 01:06:48,049
I'm like, "If this Amish guy
falls off the roof,

1772
01:06:48,133 --> 01:06:49,634
I'm wrapping him in a carpet,

1773
01:06:49,718 --> 01:06:51,720
I'm throwing him in
the goddamn carwash dumpster."

1774
01:06:53,221 --> 01:06:56,099
"He's got no cellphone on him,
he's off the grid.

1775
01:06:56,182 --> 01:06:58,643
Nobody's gonna know!"

1776
01:06:58,727 --> 01:07:01,771
"It's no different than throwing
a possum in the dumpster."

1777
01:07:02,647 --> 01:07:04,649
[audience laughing]

1778
01:07:06,151 --> 01:07:08,695
Then he gets up
to the top level of my roof.

1779
01:07:08,778 --> 01:07:10,321
And like a Billy goat,

1780
01:07:10,405 --> 01:07:13,241
in seconds, he shimmies up

1781
01:07:13,324 --> 01:07:15,660
to the highest peak of my roof.

1782
01:07:15,744 --> 01:07:17,328
Leans against the chimney,

1783
01:07:17,412 --> 01:07:20,790
and lights up a corn cob pipe.

1784
01:07:22,709 --> 01:07:24,377
I go running in to my wife,
I'm like,

1785
01:07:24,461 --> 01:07:26,338
"Get the camera.
We got the Christmas card!

1786
01:07:26,421 --> 01:07:28,173
We got the Christmas card!"

1787
01:07:30,091 --> 01:07:32,594
Thank you so much
for coming out, guys.

1788
01:07:33,470 --> 01:07:34,804
Thank you!

1789
01:07:34,888 --> 01:07:36,014
You guys are the best.

1790
01:07:36,097 --> 01:07:37,724
I had so much fun.

1791
01:07:38,808 --> 01:07:41,353
[audience applauding]

1792
01:07:42,520 --> 01:07:44,731
[upbeat music]