1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:11,970 A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:14,472 [theme song playing] 5 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,687 [crowd cheering] 6 00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,274 [claps] 7 00:00:25,316 --> 00:00:31,364 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 8 00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:33,950 How's it going, guys? Good? 9 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:37,078 Let's get started. 10 00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:38,663 Girls, okay, 11 00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:42,876 do you remember the first time you found out about blow jobs? 12 00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:44,419 Do you remember that day? 13 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,923 It should be a different day than the first day you gave a blow job. 14 00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:52,927 I hope those were vastly different days for you. 15 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,930 I hope you had a lot of time to process that information. 16 00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:58,767 I know I needed it. I was... 17 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:03,688 The day I found out about blow jobs, it was a pivotal day of my life. It was... 18 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,941 I remember the date actually, it was September 11th, 2001, 19 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:10,487 and I don't know what else happened that day. 20 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:16,451 Devastated. 21 00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:19,496 I... couldn't understand it. 22 00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:21,998 At first I go, "Blow job? Blow? Do you blow on it?" 23 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,084 Remember that? Remember for a couple seconds you go, 24 00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:25,627 "Do you blow it? Uh!" 25 00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:27,295 [crowd laughing] 26 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:32,050 You wish. You wish that's all you had to do to it. 27 00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,552 Oh, that'd be a cakewalk. 28 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,389 It's much more invasive than that. 29 00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:40,975 Blowing on it! 30 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:46,106 No, I didn't... I couldn't believe you have to like suck it. 31 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:51,111 You have to like French a dick. I was like you... 32 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:59,452 I thought I could, maybe like, mwah, like peck it, but you got to French it. 33 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,830 [crowd laughing] 34 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,624 All I knew about penises at this point in my life were 35 00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:07,210 that they're these noodly things that hung between a guy's legs, 36 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:09,796 they pee from them, and you shouldn't look at your cousin JD's 37 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,506 when you guys are getting changed to go swimming. 38 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:14,467 Like, that's all the information I had about penises. 39 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:17,595 And now, one's going to go in my mouth. 40 00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:19,055 [crowd laughs] 41 00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:23,768 Okay, I knew that sex was a thing, a penis would go in my vagina some day, 42 00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:25,937 but that was... It’s my vagina. 43 00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:28,773 Like, I don’t have tastebuds down there, or whatever... 44 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,528 Like, stick whatever you want down there, I can’t taste it, okay? 45 00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:36,656 So, I was like, "Who cares about my vagina? 46 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,576 But my mouth? That’s where candy goes. 47 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:42,912 Like, I can't believe you would put a dick there." 48 00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:46,291 I was devastated. 49 00:02:48,042 --> 00:02:51,462 And you like... You kind of go, "Maybe I don't have to do it, 50 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,882 maybe it's something that not every girl does." 51 00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:57,468 And then you realize it's kind of your destiny as a woman. 52 00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:59,387 Like, you're gonna do it. 53 00:03:00,471 --> 00:03:02,348 You know when I realized you have to do it? 54 00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:04,642 Is when I found out it was one of the bases. 55 00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:08,354 'Cause I knew homeplate was sex, and if I ever wanted to have sex, 56 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,982 'cause I wanted to, I don't know, make a family someday, 57 00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:12,317 I was gonna have to... 58 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:15,987 You can't skip a base, if you want kids you're going to have to suck some dicks 59 00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:17,488 on the way to those kids. 60 00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:18,448 [crowd laughs] 61 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:22,827 That's the last thing my kids want me doing. 62 00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:30,627 Sex made sense 'cause it makes kids. 63 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,879 What do blow jobs make, you know? 64 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:35,506 And then you find out, careers. And it's like, "Okay. 65 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:36,424 [crowd laughs] 66 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:40,678 I do want one of those. I would like to have one of those." 67 00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,431 [cheers and claps from the audience] 68 00:03:43,681 --> 00:03:44,599 I got one. 69 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,559 [Nikki giggles] 70 00:03:47,852 --> 00:03:50,730 You accept it. You're just like, "Okay, I'll do that someday. 71 00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:53,399 Not today, but it's going to happen. I..." 72 00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:58,112 I accepted it the same way I kind of accept death. 73 00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:00,782 I feel like, you know when you find out about dying and you're like, 74 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,117 "Oh, no. I don't wanna die." 75 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,745 And it's like, sorry you have to, you were born, so someday 76 00:04:05,828 --> 00:04:07,205 you have to suck a dick and die. 77 00:04:07,288 --> 00:04:11,542 Like, those are kind of like the touchstones of a woman's life. 78 00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:13,086 [crowd laughing] 79 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:15,964 You might get to vote and go to college somewhere in there, 80 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:18,633 but then it's back to sucking dicks and grave time. 81 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:25,515 And then more information about blow jobs trickles in. 82 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:32,480 Like, okay, if you do a good job at it you're rewarded at the end 83 00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,900 with a liquid substance. 84 00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:40,363 Hold on, before the liquid you will know it's about to come 85 00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:44,033 because he's going to turn into a demon for a couple seconds. Sorry. 86 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:47,745 Yeah, that's a key part of this whole thing. 87 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,539 He's going to shape-shift... 88 00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:51,666 [audience laughing] 89 00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:54,836 No one warned me about that. 90 00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,631 I'm here to... If someone hasn't had sex before, 91 00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:01,509 I'm here to tell you before he comes, about five seconds before he comes, 92 00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:04,679 he turns... Every man turns into 93 00:05:04,762 --> 00:05:07,056 Vincent D'Onofrio's character in Men In Black. 94 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:11,602 You know the... That's every man is on his way to that. 95 00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:12,687 [crowd claps] 96 00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:13,730 I don't know. 97 00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:16,190 It's just like a... 98 00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:19,402 Like a roach crawling out of your eye, just... 99 00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:20,653 [Nikki gasps] 100 00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:23,906 It's frightening. 101 00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:26,451 [Nikki pants] 102 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,163 And you're like, "The liquids, I didn't know... 103 00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:31,581 I don't know any liquids." 104 00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:34,167 All I know about that comes out of a guy is pee at this point. 105 00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:36,210 I'm like, "Is it pee?" They're like, "You wish. 106 00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:40,173 Oh God, again. So naive, 'pee'. " [crowd laughs] 107 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,718 It's much more viscous than pee. It's... 108 00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:46,763 Pee has the consistency of like a Gatorade, 109 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:51,351 whereas semen, it's more like a bum's loogie, if... 110 00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,644 [laughs] 111 00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:58,358 It's what it is. 112 00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:02,904 I know it's gross, but when you like... These are facts and... 113 00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:07,992 When you spell it out like that, aren't you, girls, aren't you just like... 114 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:13,539 Like, we're so strong. Like, we... can do anything. 115 00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:15,291 - [crowd cheers and claps] - Yes. 116 00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:18,586 I can't believe we do it. 117 00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:22,548 I couldn't believe about that liquid. I was just like, "That is awful. 118 00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:24,258 Where does it come from?" 119 00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:26,928 And then you find out it comes from the sack 120 00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:28,721 that rests beneath the noodle, 121 00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:32,183 the grossest part of a guy's body that's covered in hair and every... 122 00:06:32,266 --> 00:06:33,351 The balls! 123 00:06:34,018 --> 00:06:35,853 It's so gross. The liquid's so gross, 124 00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:39,649 the male body has found a way to store it outside of the body, 125 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:42,110 because it's like, "I don't want this in me, either." 126 00:06:43,861 --> 00:06:46,989 It's just a... Balls are just a crock pot for the liquid, 127 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:49,325 that's been on simmer all day. 128 00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:51,661 [crowd laughing] 129 00:06:51,869 --> 00:06:54,372 And then, it drains into your head. 130 00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:58,543 I just... It just kept getting worse. 131 00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:01,754 What do you do with it? 132 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:04,507 And that's where you find out you get to exercise your right 133 00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:06,175 to choose as a woman. 134 00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,010 [crowd laughing, Nikki exhales] 135 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,555 Thank God, finally. 136 00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:14,600 That's... And that's a right Congress will never take from us, ladies. 137 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,061 Oh, they'll try. 138 00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,772 They probably will, but... 139 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:24,444 You have two choices, you can spit or you can swallow. 140 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:27,196 Right, you got to register as one before November 9th. 141 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,866 Just make sure you know what you're gonna do. 142 00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:34,036 I knew what I was gonna do. I was registered as a spitter 143 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,081 long before I ever got in that booth, you know what I'm saying? 144 00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,667 I knew I was gonna spit, because I knew about girls who spit 145 00:07:39,750 --> 00:07:42,628 and I knew about girls who swallowed. Girls who spit are grossed out by it, 146 00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,630 and they're like... "Fuck off, gross." 147 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:47,175 And guys don't appreciate it, but it's far better 148 00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,635 than a girl who swallows, 'cause I knew girls that swallow... 149 00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:52,472 Oh, these sloven whores, they love it. 150 00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:55,266 It's fuel for them. 151 00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:57,852 It's how they survive. 152 00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:05,443 It's the base of a slut's food pyramid. It's just a sturdy base of come. 153 00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:09,197 And so, I was like, 154 00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,741 "I'm not gonna be a slut. Like, I don't wanna be that. 155 00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:14,785 So, when I give a blow job I'm totally gonna spit." 156 00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:16,704 So, I get in there, I give my first blow job 157 00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:19,957 and I swallowed immediately, 'cause I was like, "This is disgusting. 158 00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:23,085 Let's get it down the hatch. Take it like a shot. Like, this... 159 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:26,631 is clearly the most efficient way to dispose of this." 160 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,925 [claps and cheers from the audience] 161 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:31,302 Immediately. I didn't even have to think twice about it. 162 00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:33,930 I've never spit, and... 163 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:35,806 Ever! 164 00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:39,227 If you spit, that means you have to hold it in your mouth as you like 165 00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:42,647 walk through his apartment and find the bathroom 166 00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:45,066 that he shares with his roommates, you run into them, 167 00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:47,360 they're all watching Varsity Blues in the living room. 168 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,779 You have to be like, "Hey guys, is anyone in there? 169 00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:52,448 Can I get in or...? Oh, so, Andrew's in the shower. 170 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,325 I'll wait. It's fine. I love this movie. 171 00:08:54,408 --> 00:08:57,578 What is... This is such a good movie, I forget. 172 00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,789 You forget how good it is. 173 00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:01,916 [crowd laughing] 174 00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:07,505 You're quoting classic lines. I'm like, "I don't want your life." 175 00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:08,422 Like, and I can... 176 00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,050 It's a better James Van Der Beek because of it. 177 00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:13,678 Okay, it's one benefit of it. 178 00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:17,431 But you're doing like a wine tasting, like you're just... 179 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,021 And don't get it twisted, guys, a girl isn't... She's not swallowing 180 00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:27,358 'cause she's like, "Yummy cummy in my tummy." 181 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,652 [crowd laughing] 182 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:30,778 No. 183 00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:35,533 I mean, sometimes. [Nikki and crowd laugh] 184 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,121 Turns out I'm a whore. Pretty big whore. 185 00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:43,457 But, it's usually 'cause you're just like, "This is the way to get it done." 186 00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:46,002 Sometimes, if I think a load is gonna be really gross, I'm like, 187 00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:47,962 "Let's deepthroat." So it's like a feeding tube, 188 00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:50,256 and I don't have to touch it to my taste buds, so... 189 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:53,884 Pro tip. 190 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:55,678 You're welcome. 191 00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:03,019 Some girls love sucking dick. They like love it. 192 00:10:03,227 --> 00:10:04,437 And I've never understood it. 193 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,397 I'm like, "What are you getting out of it?" 194 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,816 And then I realize, it's 'cause they're good at it. 195 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,777 That's it. It's as simple as that, truly. 196 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,739 If you're... If you love sucking dick, it's 'cause you're good at it. 197 00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:17,158 And if you don't like it, if you're like, "I hate blow jobs." 198 00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:20,244 It's 'cause you're bad at it. It's... You're really bad at it. 199 00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:21,996 We like doing things we're good at, 200 00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,248 and if you're good at it you would do it all the time. 201 00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,751 If you're just like, "It's such a bore, it's such a pain." 202 00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:29,879 You suck at it and I'm one of you. 203 00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:32,298 I could have been good. 204 00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:34,800 All it would have taken was one guy to just like 205 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:37,178 give me a compliment early on, you know. 206 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,931 Someone to just like show me that I had a little promise or something. 207 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:43,643 Just send me off in the right direction. 208 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:48,731 We just want to be good. And... It's early intervention is key. 209 00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:53,611 Like, I feel like true blowjob queens, girls that are like, "I love it." 210 00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:55,488 It was like one of the first times 211 00:10:55,571 --> 00:10:59,909 they gave a blowjob, the guy was like, "You're great," and like believed in them. 212 00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:03,162 'Cause that's what it takes. It takes one guy. 213 00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:04,246 One coach. 214 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:08,793 One youth minister to lay the foundation for a girl. [crowd laughing] 215 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,590 The first time, oh, you're so nervous, 216 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,134 and all you want is a guy to just take your chin and be like, 217 00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,969 "Hey, look up." And you go, "What?" 218 00:11:21,555 --> 00:11:24,433 He's like, "You've got spunk... 219 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:30,314 in your hair, but like the way that you handled my balls is pretty cool. 220 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,566 And I think you're on to something." Just anything. 221 00:11:33,609 --> 00:11:34,527 Little nudge. 222 00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:38,656 And that's why I tell guys, lie to us. 223 00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:41,867 Tell us we're good and we'll blow you all the time. 224 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:45,996 Honestly, like, you hook up with a girl and she blows you and it's not very good, 225 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,748 just lie and be like, "That was the best blow job ever." 226 00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:49,834 'Cause she'll just be like, "It was?" 227 00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:53,629 And then, she'll like set off on a course to like be the best, 228 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:58,175 and she'll go out and she'll be like, "I was good once." You know? 229 00:12:01,595 --> 00:12:04,306 And I know you're like, "Why would I encourage a bad blow job?" 230 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,142 First of all, she's going to blow you a bunch, 231 00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:08,227 'cause this bitch has never heard she's good. 232 00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:10,104 She's going to be like, "This guy gets it." 233 00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:12,440 And then, she's going to blow you a bunch. 234 00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:14,442 [crowd laughs] 235 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:17,445 And she's going to get better with practice. 236 00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,238 She's going to Malcolm Gladwell that shit, 237 00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:21,657 and you're going to have an expert blowing you. 238 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,285 [cheers from the audience] 239 00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:27,955 Ten thousand hours later, you've got to work with her. 240 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:31,959 It's going to be several years. 241 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:36,422 But she'll get there. I mean, I don't know. 242 00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:39,175 Just lie... Even if it's so bad you can't come. 243 00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,593 I swear to God, even if... 244 00:12:40,676 --> 00:12:43,012 You could be like, "That was so good I couldn't come." 245 00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:46,432 I'd be like, "I guess that's a thing. I guess, cool, wow!" 246 00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:49,810 You could tell that to me tonight, and I just made it up, and I'd be like, 247 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,480 "I guess that thing I made up is true, I don't know." 248 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:54,940 That's how bad I want to be good. 249 00:12:56,776 --> 00:13:00,321 An innocuous compliment from a guy you like means everything. 250 00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:03,324 I don’t think you guys understand what power you wield, 251 00:13:03,407 --> 00:13:05,159 with just dumb compliments. 252 00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:06,994 I stand before you tonight, 253 00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:11,707 because I did stand-up comedy one time fifteen years ago on a whim, I was like, 254 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,543 “I’ll try it,” and I was fine, but a hot guy after the show was like 255 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,254 “You were great,” and I was like “I’ll do it forever, thank you.” 256 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,925 [crowd cheers and claps] 257 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,635 I swear to God. 258 00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:27,056 It's just... I just needed someone to believe in me, 259 00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,642 and then I look at the first time I gave a blow job, and I’m like, 260 00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:33,395 “What did that guy say?” And it was not... It actually was the same, he was like, 261 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,606 “You should do comedy. I mean, I'm serious. 262 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:39,276 This is so funny, what you think is good." 263 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:42,655 So... 264 00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:47,785 I crave compliments. I love them so much. 265 00:13:48,118 --> 00:13:48,994 [exhales] 266 00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:50,120 I was an ugly child. 267 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:52,373 So, I like, I saw the people get them and I was like, 268 00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:55,209 "That looks fun to experience." 269 00:13:56,335 --> 00:13:57,378 You know? 270 00:13:57,461 --> 00:14:02,049 I was diagnosed as an ugly child at... the age of 11, 271 00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:05,928 by a caricature artist at a Six Flags, and... 272 00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:09,390 I didn't know until then. 273 00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:13,102 I really didn't, you know, and then he turned that canvas around 274 00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,938 and my dad was like, "That's great. Oh my God, it's uncanny." 275 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:19,692 And my whole family was like, "Woah! Nik, it's you." 276 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:26,490 I'm like, "Really? Okay, I didn't know I had buck teeth and bushy eyebrows, 277 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,284 a Founding Father haircut... 278 00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,120 a tiny bicycle." 279 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,539 [crowd laughs] 280 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,709 But then, I knew. 281 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:41,755 Listen, I kind of had an idea that I wasn’t that cute, you know. 282 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,757 ‘Cause I had a really beautiful sister growing up. 283 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:47,595 Never went through an awkward phase, she was just so stunning. 284 00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:50,806 She literally would stop traffic, when I pushed her in front of it. 285 00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:52,933 [crowd laughs] 286 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,019 I tried to get her out of the way. 287 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:58,939 And I'm the second prettiest sister and then there isn't another one, but... 288 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:01,233 So, I've got that, but... 289 00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:04,695 People would stop my mom as a child 290 00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:07,156 and tell my mom that my sister should be a model, 291 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:10,284 like right in front of me, and be like, "This child needs to be a model." 292 00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:12,453 And they wouldn't see me at first and then I'd emerge 293 00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,580 from behind my mom's legs like Nosferatu, 294 00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,582 like, "What should I be?" 295 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:24,048 Just like, desperate to be discovered or whatever. 296 00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:25,758 And they're like, "You should be... 297 00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:29,219 you're going to be a model train enthusiast, probably. 298 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:32,014 I think you should start collecting soon, 299 00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:35,309 'cause you're gross." And I was like, "Cool." 300 00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:38,270 Whenever I see two kids and one's cuter than the other, 301 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:40,230 I always tell the mom, "Your kids are cute." 302 00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,524 I make an emphasis on kids and then I wink, 303 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,276 'cause she knows. She'll know. 304 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,239 And you can get away with a pretty obvious wink, 305 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:51,575 'cause usually the ugly one has like a lazy eye situation, 306 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,869 so they'll miss it entirely, so you can be... 307 00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:58,165 But just don't single out one child as cuter than the other, 308 00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,875 'cause we don't need more female comics. 309 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,920 I can't take the competition, and that's how you make them. 310 00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:07,925 As an ugly child, boys didn't like me. 311 00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:10,386 I was okay with that at first. I was just like, 312 00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:14,223 "Good, like, I don't want their dicks in my head, anyway, like this is perfect." 313 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:20,229 And then I hit puberty around like 22, and I was like... 314 00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:26,068 And at that time, guys started to take interest 315 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:30,406 'cause I had sort of blossomed into this like blackout drunk and... 316 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:32,282 they wanted in. 317 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:37,037 But the problem was, the second I thought that maybe I wasn't so ugly up here, 318 00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:39,748 I realized I was ugly down here. 319 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:44,628 I have a vagina that resembles a hastily packed suitcase. 320 00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,380 [crowd laughing] 321 00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:47,840 Yeah, okay. 322 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,343 I know there are some bitches 323 00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,762 that are late for their flights tonight in here, too. 324 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:57,141 I know you're out there. I see you at the gym locker room. 325 00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:59,560 I spy on you. Yes, I do. 326 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:04,106 There's a lot of hermit crabs looking for new shells. 327 00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:06,525 Out and about. 328 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,572 I know. 329 00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:14,283 I used to feel alone. 330 00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:17,911 I really did, 'cause you watch porn and you're like, "Where's my vagina?" 331 00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:19,913 That's when I realized, I was like, "Shit... 332 00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:23,751 That's not... None of these look like mine. I have a..." 333 00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:26,128 I felt like a young black girl watching Disney movies. 334 00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:27,713 I'm like, "Where's one with me in it? 335 00:17:27,796 --> 00:17:30,883 Do you want to make one with me?" That would have been nice. 336 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:34,261 "Oh, you made one with a mermaid before making one with me. Cool. 337 00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:35,721 That feels great." 338 00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:39,558 But I truly... I didn't know any other vaginas. 339 00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:42,186 And why would I? You don't see vaginas growing up. 340 00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:43,854 You know? You don't even see your mom's. 341 00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:46,065 If you do, there's a giant bush in front of it, 342 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,192 so you don't know what her lip action is. 343 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:50,903 I had no idea. 344 00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:55,115 And now, mine has to be like out, you have to have like, here it is! 345 00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:59,953 No hair and everything's out, and guys make fun of vaginas like ours. 346 00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:01,580 Don't they, girls? We hear it. 347 00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:04,583 "Roast beef, five for $5. 348 00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,628 Cold cut combo." 349 00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:09,838 [crowd laughing] 350 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:13,842 I know they look like meaty sandwiches. 351 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,385 I know. 352 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,763 We get it, and it's just like... 353 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,350 Dead on, dude. It's dead on! 354 00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:25,104 You nailed it. That's what it looks like and it's funny. 355 00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:28,732 It's so funny, that's what sucks. 356 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,067 [Nikki growls] 357 00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:35,114 Sometimes, as a vegan, 358 00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:39,952 I offend myself sometimes. I'm like, "Meat is murder." Every time I wipe. 359 00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:44,081 Throw paint on myself. It's a whole process. 360 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:48,877 But I'm just tired of caring. It's just... 361 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,671 And I've gotten over most of my insecurities. 362 00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:53,340 I feel like pretty good, 'cause I've done a lot of work up here 363 00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:54,967 and a little right here and... 364 00:18:55,717 --> 00:18:58,470 Got something on the books for this next week, but... 365 00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:03,433 Little snip-a-rooney. 366 00:19:05,018 --> 00:19:07,146 Great clips, but I... 367 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,815 [Nikki and crowd laugh] 368 00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,736 I didn't masturbate my whole life, almost. 369 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:18,240 I didn't start masturbating till I was 28, 'cause I quit Zoloft. 370 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:21,451 Yeah, I was on Zoloft for like my whole adult life, 371 00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:24,163 and I had orgasms, but what I thought were orgasms 372 00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:27,791 turned out to be like okay sneezes compared. 373 00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:32,087 Oh my God, I had my first real orgasm off Zoloft and I was like, 374 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,089 "Why is everyone not doing this all the time?" 375 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,176 And so I started, all the time. I was chronically masturbating. 376 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:41,305 Like, a 28-year-old woman behaving like an 11-year-old boy, truly. 377 00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:43,515 You know you hear these stories from guys that are like, 378 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:45,934 "I did it till I bled. I didn't know." 379 00:19:46,059 --> 00:19:47,144 I did that. 380 00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:50,230 It was my period but it counts, and I still count it. 381 00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:54,109 I was... I couldn't stop. 382 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,988 I did it on a plane once and got caught, and... 383 00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:01,575 She saw me and I was just like, "I thought you could in first class." 384 00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:04,119 And she's like, "No... 385 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,580 [crowd laughs] 386 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,250 Also, you're seated in coach and you just walked up here, 387 00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:11,710 so that doesn't even make sense." 388 00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:15,047 And I go, "I thought if I was beyond the curtain." 389 00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:22,179 Masturbating now, I just am too exhausted by all of it, you know? 390 00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:24,640 I've too many toys. I got all the toys. 391 00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:27,226 As soon as I started masturbating I was like, "I gotta get that rabbit. 392 00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:30,520 I've heard about this thing for a while." So, I go to PetSmart and I get that thing, 393 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,774 and I returned it, you know? 394 00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:36,860 I was just like, "This thing bit my clit off!" 395 00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,320 [crowd laughs] 396 00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:42,658 Felt good for a second, then... 397 00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:45,035 a lot of blood, but... 398 00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:47,454 I got too many toys. 399 00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:49,998 And now, when I go to masturbate, I just look at all my toys 400 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,917 in the bucket... With a bucket? 401 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,962 What the fuck did I just say? 402 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:56,505 I do not have a bucket. 403 00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:59,633 I don't want you thinking I'm having a bucket of dildos. 404 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:03,512 It's literally a ripped Victoria's Secret bag, 405 00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:05,472 that I keep in my closet. 406 00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:09,977 So, I got to the old dick bucket. 407 00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:12,187 [crowd laughing] 408 00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:17,901 I have so many toys, too many. 409 00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:20,696 And every time I go to masturbate I have to like look at all of them, 410 00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:22,781 and I always feel bad that I'm not using all of them. 411 00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:25,450 I have some sort of Toy Story guilt with it all. 412 00:21:26,535 --> 00:21:29,746 I'm just like, "Oh, Woody, you used to be my favorite. 413 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,456 I'll sit on you." 414 00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:34,960 And I'll just sit on that, and I'll put Buzz up here, 415 00:21:35,335 --> 00:21:38,171 and then I got something inside me that I'm working like this, 416 00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:40,465 and I just... It's too much going on. 417 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:43,677 I always feel like a one-man band. Eventually, I'm just like... 418 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,012 [imitates instrument] 419 00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:46,346 "Come on, join in, kids." 420 00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,975 Like, I just feel like a town square fool. 421 00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:54,646 There should be a monkey on my shoulder with a tambourine like collecting coins 422 00:21:54,730 --> 00:21:59,234 from passers-by like that is... I feel like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. 423 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,778 That is how I feel every single time I masturbate. 424 00:22:01,862 --> 00:22:02,696 It's not hot. 425 00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:08,869 Ironically enough, Dick Van Dyke 426 00:22:08,952 --> 00:22:13,165 are the three words I type in to find every porn that I look at. 427 00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:18,420 So, I need all those elements to really get me there. 428 00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:21,840 My porn searches are disgusting. 429 00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:24,843 Oh, man, those got gross, fast. 430 00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:28,263 Listen, I know what I like. I like bondage. 431 00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,890 I'm into like getting tied up. 432 00:22:29,973 --> 00:22:32,559 I'm into watching girls getting tied up. I don't... 433 00:22:32,642 --> 00:22:35,687 I’ll sell it to you, ladies, if you’re not into it, you’re about to be. 434 00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:38,565 Guess what? Bondage, forced laziness. 435 00:22:38,648 --> 00:22:41,526 You don’t have to do anything to him if you’re tied up. 436 00:22:41,943 --> 00:22:44,821 “Oh, I want to jerk you off, but my hands are tied. 437 00:22:45,238 --> 00:22:46,948 Let me out! 438 00:22:47,032 --> 00:22:49,826 No, I'm just kidding it’s fine, just leave it. What are you doing?” 439 00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:51,661 [crowd laughing] 440 00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:54,373 If there’s a ball gag in your mouth, no dick in your head. 441 00:22:54,456 --> 00:22:56,750 It’s just very comfortable. 442 00:22:57,042 --> 00:23:00,796 You make it look like a struggle, like, “Oh no! Oh!” 443 00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:04,091 But, it’s easy breezy, man. 444 00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:08,387 They blindfold you, oh my God. 445 00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:12,641 And you go, “Oh no! I can’t see you, how am I going to come?” 446 00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:15,560 Easily. Thank you for the assist. 447 00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:17,729 [crowd laughs and claps] 448 00:23:18,271 --> 00:23:19,815 It's so good. 449 00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:24,152 But bondage porn, it's always like in a cellar 450 00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:26,279 with like dripping walls. 451 00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:29,241 Or like a warehouse, and she's just like abandoned. 452 00:23:29,324 --> 00:23:30,951 It's like, can't she be comfortable? 453 00:23:31,034 --> 00:23:33,787 I don't understand why there always has to be a guy with a welder's mask 454 00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:37,791 and a purpose, like with a stick. Like, can't it be nicer? 455 00:23:38,166 --> 00:23:40,252 But it can't be, they're always mean to her. 456 00:23:40,335 --> 00:23:43,922 And I'm just like, "Be nice!" Like, she's invited all these dudes over. 457 00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:47,217 You guys... One of you showed up late, there's nowhere for your dick to go now. 458 00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:51,096 And so... I hate that guy. He's always just like, "Where do I go?" 459 00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:54,391 It's just like, "Go fill the Brita, Tony. Why were you late? 460 00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:56,560 Like, do something useful. 461 00:23:56,643 --> 00:23:59,229 We're all going to be very dehydrated after this." 462 00:24:01,731 --> 00:24:03,733 But... no. 463 00:24:05,068 --> 00:24:07,988 Then Tony's just like hitting his dick on her shoulder, 464 00:24:08,071 --> 00:24:10,699 as if that's doing anything for either of them. 465 00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:14,077 And it's just like, "Look inside yourself, Tony. Why were you late?" 466 00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:18,582 God! 467 00:24:20,375 --> 00:24:22,502 She's not like a bison on the Great Plains. 468 00:24:22,586 --> 00:24:25,881 You don't need to use every single part of her... 469 00:24:26,256 --> 00:24:27,924 to honor her. 470 00:24:31,178 --> 00:24:33,180 Gangbangs, like, I love gangbangs, 471 00:24:33,263 --> 00:24:36,391 but I'm just looking for like a respectful gangbang. 472 00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:40,228 Like, why not just a nice... Be nice to her. 473 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:43,482 A respectful gangbang, that would just be a girl tied up, 474 00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:46,568 and guys doing lots of things to her down here, 475 00:24:46,651 --> 00:24:48,403 and then up here guys just brushing her hair 476 00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:49,946 and telling her she's strong. 477 00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:51,573 Respectful. 478 00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:55,035 It's all I want. 479 00:24:55,452 --> 00:24:58,205 You know what's frustrating about masturbating when you're a woman, 480 00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:00,999 is that you can't really fuck yourself, you know? 481 00:25:01,082 --> 00:25:04,711 Like, you can do clit stuff or whatever, but truly, having been penetrated, 482 00:25:04,794 --> 00:25:07,047 it's hard to do to yourself. Like, this is... 483 00:25:07,130 --> 00:25:10,759 And it is hard to come from that if you're like doing a CrossFit sequence, 484 00:25:10,842 --> 00:25:13,178 as you're like getting tennis elbow. 485 00:25:13,261 --> 00:25:15,555 I mean, it's a lot of work and I always give up. 486 00:25:15,639 --> 00:25:17,599 And I'm just like, "This is too hard." 487 00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:20,519 And that’s why I get so jealous of guys, ‘cause I’m like, 488 00:25:20,727 --> 00:25:23,438 "Jerking off is so easy for guys." It’s just this... 489 00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:25,482 That’s so... That’s literally... 490 00:25:25,565 --> 00:25:28,109 That’s what you do when you think... When you say something’s easy. 491 00:25:28,193 --> 00:25:29,861 You’re just like, “we’ll fucking bang it out 492 00:25:29,945 --> 00:25:31,738 and go to Chipotle, man. I'll just... 493 00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:35,784 Just get the reports done, and we’ll go to the game.” 494 00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:39,287 Like, that's how easy that is. 495 00:25:39,746 --> 00:25:41,373 Uh, I'm jealous. 496 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,961 'Cause I like a dick in me, I'm sorry. I like getting stuffed. 497 00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:51,091 I do. It feels good and I'm not going to apologize for it. 498 00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:54,177 I just like... But the problem is, and people are like, 499 00:25:54,261 --> 00:25:56,179 "Oh, then why don't you just go have sex, Nikki. 500 00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,848 If you want to catch a dicking, go out and get one." 501 00:25:58,974 --> 00:26:02,060 It's like, I would and I used to when I drank, 502 00:26:02,143 --> 00:26:04,813 but if you're sober you can't just have casual sex. 503 00:26:04,896 --> 00:26:06,898 I don't know if anyone here has had casual sex sober, 504 00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:10,026 but like, how did you do that? 505 00:26:10,652 --> 00:26:14,739 Having casual sex sober, it's really... It's a lot more intimate. 506 00:26:14,823 --> 00:26:18,493 It turns into an episode of Dawson's Creek for some reason. 507 00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:22,122 A Counting Crows song starts playing. I'm just like, "What's happening?" 508 00:26:22,205 --> 00:26:24,040 It's like, "Round here." 509 00:26:24,124 --> 00:26:26,209 I'm just like, "Where is that coming from?" 510 00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:28,670 This has meaning, when it shouldn't. 511 00:26:30,005 --> 00:26:32,090 Sometimes you don't want sex to mean anything, 512 00:26:32,173 --> 00:26:34,509 and you just want to like bang it out and live your life, 513 00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:37,721 but you can't when you're sober. When I drank, oh, that's all I did. 514 00:26:37,804 --> 00:26:41,057 If I wanted to like, get dicked out, I'd just like... 515 00:26:41,725 --> 00:26:44,227 None of this sounds real good. If I wanted to get... 516 00:26:44,477 --> 00:26:46,479 [crowd laughs] 517 00:26:46,771 --> 00:26:49,691 I wanted to say I had had sex, but I didn't want to experience it, 518 00:26:49,774 --> 00:26:52,152 and that's what would be perfect. I would just be like 519 00:26:52,235 --> 00:26:55,030 "I feel like getting fucked." And so, I would just blackout drink, 520 00:26:55,113 --> 00:26:57,991 hone in on a guy and then like kind of Cosby myself 521 00:26:58,074 --> 00:26:59,409 into this situation where... 522 00:27:01,786 --> 00:27:04,164 I would be penetrated that night 523 00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:07,292 by a comedian, and not remember any of it. 524 00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:10,337 I'd wake up in the morning, I wouldn't even know what I had done. 525 00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:12,297 And sometimes I'm like, "Oh dear, is that...? 526 00:27:12,380 --> 00:27:14,174 Did I do anal or is that bronzer?" 527 00:27:14,257 --> 00:27:17,761 Like, I would try and figure it out, you know those mornings? 528 00:27:19,304 --> 00:27:22,307 Where you're like, "Did I have sex? I don't know. I should know that." 529 00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:24,351 I'd figure it out if the sheet was stuck inside me. 530 00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,061 I'd be like, "Okay, I probably had sex." 531 00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:30,148 That's a classic post-sex old Glase-dog move. 532 00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:32,734 I always do a tuck, right. 533 00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:34,736 'Cause I don't like to go to bed with a soggy vag, 534 00:27:34,819 --> 00:27:36,196 so I just like tuck it up. 535 00:27:36,279 --> 00:27:38,490 I don't want to be sloshing around all night. 536 00:27:38,782 --> 00:27:42,869 And so, I tuck and release, and I don't get yeast infections, girls. 537 00:27:42,952 --> 00:27:45,121 Like, it's a good plan if you don't want to get a yeasty, 538 00:27:45,205 --> 00:27:46,247 just tuck and release, 539 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:49,000 but sometimes you're drunk and the tuck feels so good, 540 00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:51,044 and you just leave it, and then it dries overnight, 541 00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:54,089 and you gotta peel it off like a Bioré Strip in the morning, 542 00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:56,716 and that's... It hurts. 543 00:27:57,425 --> 00:28:00,470 You leave behind a paper mache stalagmite on his duvet. 544 00:28:00,553 --> 00:28:03,807 It's not a nice way to be remembered. 545 00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:07,227 Trying to flatten it when he's in the bathroom. 546 00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:08,561 I'm just like, "Go away. 547 00:28:09,145 --> 00:28:10,689 Out, damn spot." 548 00:28:15,276 --> 00:28:18,405 There are embarrassing moments like that, 549 00:28:18,488 --> 00:28:21,199 but like, you know, most of the time having drunk sex, 550 00:28:21,282 --> 00:28:25,578 it made it just a lot easier to just, to get it, you know? 551 00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:27,997 And sometimes when I'm sober, I got with a guy and I'm like, 552 00:28:28,081 --> 00:28:30,041 "God, I'd love to feel that way again." 553 00:28:30,250 --> 00:28:32,961 So, I'll just like take out one contact lens just to feel a little off. 554 00:28:33,044 --> 00:28:36,005 Just to be like, "Maybe I'll make some mistakes and..." 555 00:28:36,881 --> 00:28:39,592 It takes a lot now, for me to want to have sex with a guy 556 00:28:39,676 --> 00:28:44,431 and it's because sober sex, it's risky, right? 557 00:28:45,098 --> 00:28:47,308 Your body, as a woman, when there's a penis in you, 558 00:28:47,392 --> 00:28:48,351 and you're sober for it, 559 00:28:48,435 --> 00:28:50,979 it like thinks you're making a baby with the guy, 560 00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:54,482 so it like shoots off all these chemicals, that are just like... 561 00:28:55,608 --> 00:28:57,193 "Remember him." You know? 562 00:28:58,695 --> 00:29:00,071 "Hold on to him. 563 00:29:00,363 --> 00:29:03,241 Wait for him. He's going to provide for you." 564 00:29:03,324 --> 00:29:06,536 And I just want to tell my dumb cavewoman brain, like, 565 00:29:06,661 --> 00:29:09,205 "I'm gonna do everything in my power to not get pregnant right now. 566 00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:11,750 I hope you know that, and by that I mean the pull-out method. 567 00:29:11,833 --> 00:29:14,002 Like, that's the best I can give you, body." 568 00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:16,629 And it works. It's worked for me most the time. 569 00:29:16,713 --> 00:29:18,798 I'm probably barren, that's what I've determined. 570 00:29:18,882 --> 00:29:20,508 Like, it's not supposed to work. 571 00:29:20,925 --> 00:29:22,385 I've had one pregnancy scare. 572 00:29:22,469 --> 00:29:25,889 It was double scary. It was in a haunted house and I... 573 00:29:27,098 --> 00:29:28,349 I was alarmed. 574 00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:31,728 Yeah. 575 00:29:31,978 --> 00:29:34,606 A woman like jumped out in a bloody sheet and I was like, 576 00:29:34,689 --> 00:29:36,858 "I haven't seen those in a while." And it reminded me 577 00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:40,528 that I hadn't ruined a sheet set that I love in over a month. 578 00:29:40,612 --> 00:29:42,280 So, I was like, "Oh, I should..." 579 00:29:46,743 --> 00:29:48,286 When you use the pull-out method, 580 00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:51,080 you sometimes need to supplement with the morning after pill, 581 00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:53,082 which I've taken a handful of times and... 582 00:29:53,166 --> 00:29:55,543 No, I took a handful one time, I'm sorry. And... 583 00:29:56,252 --> 00:29:57,170 It's different. 584 00:29:57,545 --> 00:29:59,255 No, the morning after pill, 585 00:29:59,339 --> 00:30:01,800 let me just tell you though, you can take it up to 72 hours. 586 00:30:01,883 --> 00:30:04,469 I don't think... that's not in the name, the Morning After. 587 00:30:04,552 --> 00:30:05,845 They need to change the name, 588 00:30:05,929 --> 00:30:07,764 'cause sometimes you have sex in the morning and you're like, 589 00:30:07,847 --> 00:30:10,433 "Okay, I've got to wait till tomorrow morning, I guess, to take it." 590 00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:13,228 And then you forget and you start a family, so... 591 00:30:13,728 --> 00:30:14,771 It's three days. 592 00:30:14,854 --> 00:30:17,524 You have three days, and I'm trying to get it changed 593 00:30:17,607 --> 00:30:19,692 to the Long Weekend After the Holidays... 594 00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:22,195 The Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday Weekend After Pill. 595 00:30:22,278 --> 00:30:25,824 I think that's... Gives you an idea of the chunk of time you have. 596 00:30:25,907 --> 00:30:28,910 And I'm getting a lot of pushback from his foundation, but... 597 00:30:32,247 --> 00:30:33,665 But you have three days, 598 00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:36,042 and I've used them all before, and it's not 'cause I'm like, 599 00:30:36,125 --> 00:30:37,293 "Oh, I'm lazy." 600 00:30:37,377 --> 00:30:39,879 It's 'cause I'm just waiting till I need to get toilet paper, too. 601 00:30:39,963 --> 00:30:43,299 I'm like, "I'll kill two birds or three, twins run in my family. 602 00:30:43,383 --> 00:30:45,718 I don't really know how this thing works, but..." 603 00:30:48,221 --> 00:30:52,308 I am willing to take it, especially if the guy asks. 604 00:30:52,392 --> 00:30:54,310 Have you ever had the guy ask you to do it? 605 00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:57,730 I'll always... I'll do it, especially if he pays. 606 00:30:57,814 --> 00:30:59,691 And I'm like, "Yeah, if you give me fifty bucks." 607 00:30:59,774 --> 00:31:02,235 And he does, and you go to Sephora and you pray. 608 00:31:02,318 --> 00:31:04,737 And that works. 609 00:31:04,821 --> 00:31:06,823 [crowd laughing] 610 00:31:09,033 --> 00:31:11,703 It might cost you a little on the back end, 611 00:31:11,786 --> 00:31:16,833 but what other excuse do you have to spend $49 on an eyeliner, so... 612 00:31:19,919 --> 00:31:22,255 Isn't it funny when they ask you to take the morning after? 613 00:31:22,338 --> 00:31:24,966 I'm always just like, "Oh my God. Yeah, I'll take it. 614 00:31:25,049 --> 00:31:27,802 It's so cute that you think that I want your baby. 615 00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,305 Like, it's so funny that... 616 00:31:30,638 --> 00:31:33,766 Dude, I would abort your child so soon, like you don't even... 617 00:31:33,850 --> 00:31:36,102 I wouldn't even call you, it's so... 618 00:31:36,644 --> 00:31:38,438 Oh my God, huh." 619 00:31:38,813 --> 00:31:41,107 I wouldn't think twice, I'd just go to a clinic and be like, 620 00:31:41,190 --> 00:31:42,859 "Hey, I slept with a guy who wears tank tops 621 00:31:42,942 --> 00:31:44,277 that say 'rise and grind.' " 622 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:47,947 And they'd be like, "In and out, ma'am. Let's get her in. Let's go. Well... 623 00:31:48,156 --> 00:31:50,700 We need all hands on deck for this one. 624 00:31:50,783 --> 00:31:52,785 It's going to be on the house for this lady." 625 00:31:53,036 --> 00:31:55,038 [crowd cheers and claps] 626 00:31:56,539 --> 00:31:58,207 Alabama would allow that one. 627 00:31:58,917 --> 00:32:00,919 [crowd laughs] 628 00:32:02,003 --> 00:32:03,504 That's the one caveat they have. 629 00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:07,342 Only in cases of tank tops with motivational words on them. 630 00:32:09,385 --> 00:32:11,512 "Oh, he raped you. Never mind, you have to keep it." 631 00:32:11,638 --> 00:32:13,139 [crowd laughs] 632 00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:15,183 I know, sorry, isn't the truth weird? 633 00:32:16,517 --> 00:32:18,019 It's so weird. 634 00:32:18,102 --> 00:32:19,479 [claps from the audience] 635 00:32:19,646 --> 00:32:22,815 But this is the problem... Is I was sleeping with tank toppy guys 636 00:32:22,899 --> 00:32:27,236 a lot of times... last year. 'Cause I came up with a strategy. 637 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,198 I kept sleeping with guys I liked, 'cause I liked them, 638 00:32:30,281 --> 00:32:32,075 and then I would fall for them, and I was like, 639 00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:34,452 "This is a pain in the ass." 'Cause they don't text you back 640 00:32:34,535 --> 00:32:36,037 and it's just like, uh, it's annoying. 641 00:32:36,287 --> 00:32:38,081 I'm just tired of screenshotting conversations 642 00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:40,667 between men who will never love me and myself, 643 00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:43,461 and sending them to my friends to be like, "What's he thinking?" 644 00:32:44,212 --> 00:32:46,547 And they're like, "Nothing. It's all blue, Nik. 645 00:32:46,631 --> 00:32:47,840 Get a hold of yourself. 646 00:32:50,343 --> 00:32:53,805 None of these are delivered, we kind of think he blocked you, so..." 647 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:58,184 [Nikki exhales] And so, I came up with a plan. 648 00:32:58,267 --> 00:33:00,228 I was like, "Oh, I'll only have sex with guys 649 00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:01,521 who I would never want to love" 650 00:33:01,604 --> 00:33:03,898 Right, then I'll never like want them to be my boyfriend. 651 00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:10,279 So, I pick a guy with like a necklace, right, like a dangly outer necklace. 652 00:33:10,446 --> 00:33:11,906 [crowd laughing] 653 00:33:12,198 --> 00:33:14,909 Not an inside one, 'cause you can't ever predict those. 654 00:33:14,993 --> 00:33:17,328 Girls, we've all slept with guys with necklaces, 655 00:33:17,412 --> 00:33:20,540 where we didn't know it was there until we got naked with them, 656 00:33:20,623 --> 00:33:22,208 and then you see it and you're like, 657 00:33:23,126 --> 00:33:24,210 "Okay... 658 00:33:24,460 --> 00:33:25,878 [crowd laughs] 659 00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:28,798 I feel like I wouldn't be doing this right now if I knew that was there. 660 00:33:28,881 --> 00:33:32,260 I really feel a little bit hoodwinked by you at this moment, but... 661 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,930 our shirts are off, so... 662 00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:38,850 I've got to at least blow you or something. Great. 663 00:33:38,933 --> 00:33:40,184 Them's the rules." 664 00:33:41,394 --> 00:33:44,939 So, I go after a guy with like an active necklace and... 665 00:33:45,857 --> 00:33:47,900 Which is good, though, because during the sex 666 00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:49,610 it's like hanging over you, 667 00:33:49,694 --> 00:33:52,864 like swaying back and forth as a reminder... 668 00:33:54,323 --> 00:33:56,075 that he's not to be loved... 669 00:33:57,702 --> 00:34:00,121 and/or respected, right? 670 00:34:00,788 --> 00:34:02,165 It's right there. 671 00:34:02,749 --> 00:34:04,208 And you feel good. 672 00:34:04,792 --> 00:34:09,130 And they always have a dumb reason for their necklace, too. 673 00:34:09,213 --> 00:34:10,923 It infuriates me. 674 00:34:11,424 --> 00:34:15,428 "It's my grandfather's dog tags. Hold it close." 675 00:34:15,511 --> 00:34:18,389 I'm just like, "Okay, good, at least the spirit of a real man 676 00:34:18,473 --> 00:34:20,266 will be hovering over me tonight." 677 00:34:20,349 --> 00:34:21,476 [crowd laughs] 678 00:34:21,726 --> 00:34:23,895 That's a plus, I guess. [claps from the audience] 679 00:34:24,270 --> 00:34:29,692 Someone who actually fought for something other than a parking spot at GameStop. 680 00:34:29,859 --> 00:34:31,861 [crowd laughing] 681 00:34:35,156 --> 00:34:38,034 So, I slept with a necklace guy, and I feel good. 682 00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:39,410 The next day, I would feel good. 683 00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:42,705 I would have like a little whore's skip in my step. 684 00:34:42,789 --> 00:34:45,833 Like, "I just banged, and I don't even care if I hear from him. 685 00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:47,668 Like, I'm a Samantha. 686 00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:51,380 We do exist, right" 687 00:34:52,048 --> 00:34:55,551 And then I'm in line at Starbucks, and I'm just like waiting, 688 00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:59,180 and I let my thoughts go, I don't know, three thoughts too far, 689 00:34:59,263 --> 00:35:00,348 and I'm just like... 690 00:35:02,225 --> 00:35:07,230 "I love his necklace. Like I... love necklaces, 691 00:35:07,313 --> 00:35:09,816 and I love him for wearing that stupid necklace. 692 00:35:09,899 --> 00:35:12,276 Like, I made fun of him for that necklace, 693 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:13,986 and I think it's the worst thing about him, 694 00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:15,822 I think it might be the best thing about him, 695 00:35:15,905 --> 00:35:19,033 because like his necklace... I made fun of reasons for necklaces, 696 00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:21,994 but his is actually good, like he went to Aéropostale, 697 00:35:22,078 --> 00:35:24,247 it was on sale and he liked it. So, like... 698 00:35:24,330 --> 00:35:25,706 [crowd laughs] 699 00:35:25,832 --> 00:35:28,000 That's a legit good reason. 700 00:35:28,626 --> 00:35:30,753 Oh my God, I wonder where I'm going to store my necklace 701 00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:33,297 when I move in with him? Like, I wonder where... 702 00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,174 If he has like a necklace tree. 703 00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:40,179 Oh my God, I bet when he's ready for me to move in with him, 704 00:35:40,263 --> 00:35:42,682 he'll like clean a branch off the necklace tree. 705 00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:46,352 And we'll be in bed on like a Sunday morning, 706 00:35:46,435 --> 00:35:48,271 and he'll be like, 'Go check the necklace tree.' 707 00:35:48,354 --> 00:35:51,274 I'm going to be like, 'Why? We're in bed. I wanna cuddle.' 708 00:35:51,357 --> 00:35:53,568 He's like, 'Just go check the tree.' And I'm like... 709 00:35:54,694 --> 00:35:59,282 'You're being weird.' 710 00:35:59,824 --> 00:36:03,578 And then I go and there's like a ring on one of the branches. 711 00:36:03,661 --> 00:36:04,495 It's like... 712 00:36:05,997 --> 00:36:09,876 'Oh my God, I can't believe I'm moving to Fort Worth, like, this is insane.' " 713 00:36:10,126 --> 00:36:11,836 [crowd laughs and claps] 714 00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:14,881 And then, I'm done. 715 00:36:14,964 --> 00:36:18,342 And then, I'm in love with a guy who's not going to text me back, 716 00:36:18,426 --> 00:36:20,720 'cause he knew the rules, and it's just like... 717 00:36:20,803 --> 00:36:23,306 It's not worth my time anymore, so I've just... 718 00:36:23,931 --> 00:36:25,183 No more penises in me. 719 00:36:25,266 --> 00:36:26,767 That's my new rule. No more. 720 00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:31,647 And it sucks 'cause sex, now that that's off the table, 721 00:36:31,731 --> 00:36:33,024 man, what do I have? 722 00:36:33,107 --> 00:36:34,775 That was the one thing I was good at. 723 00:36:34,859 --> 00:36:37,361 If I would hook up with the guy, I would go right from making out, 724 00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:38,613 and I'd be like, "Let's fuck." 725 00:36:38,696 --> 00:36:40,573 And it wasn't cause I like, "Loved a dick in me." 726 00:36:40,656 --> 00:36:42,909 I'm just like, "This is the easiest thing to do." 727 00:36:42,992 --> 00:36:44,076 [crowd laughs] 728 00:36:44,243 --> 00:36:45,536 And I'm good at it. 729 00:36:45,620 --> 00:36:48,789 I like doing things I'm good at. Girls like doing things they're good at. 730 00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:51,500 I am great at getting fucked. 731 00:36:51,584 --> 00:36:53,836 I just am, and I know that's braggy, 732 00:36:53,920 --> 00:36:56,714 but I was just born with the ability to kick back 733 00:36:56,797 --> 00:36:59,008 and have a hole, like, I just like... 734 00:36:59,592 --> 00:37:01,177 lean into it. 735 00:37:01,302 --> 00:37:04,513 And as a whole, I think... 736 00:37:07,433 --> 00:37:09,227 As a whole as a hole, 737 00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:14,106 I think it is by far our best option to get you off, is having sex. 738 00:37:14,190 --> 00:37:15,775 It's the easiest. I never understand when girls are like, 739 00:37:15,858 --> 00:37:18,277 "No, I didn't have sex with him. We did everything except sex." 740 00:37:18,361 --> 00:37:21,280 I'm like, "Are you exhausted? Why would you do all the hard stuff? 741 00:37:22,073 --> 00:37:23,658 What's in it for you?" 742 00:37:26,035 --> 00:37:30,206 Sex at least, like, if you have sex it's going to feel good. 743 00:37:30,331 --> 00:37:32,500 You could come, you know? 744 00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:33,876 [crowd laughs] 745 00:37:35,002 --> 00:37:38,589 You won't, probably, like most of the time you don't, 746 00:37:38,673 --> 00:37:40,967 but it's like on the table, right? 747 00:37:43,302 --> 00:37:45,471 Our options to get you off, just are like... 748 00:37:46,055 --> 00:37:48,933 They're not great, and we have to get you off. 749 00:37:49,350 --> 00:37:51,560 We do, right, girls? You have to get a guy off, 750 00:37:51,644 --> 00:37:54,146 'cause we all learned about blue balls, right? 751 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:57,608 I grew up in a generation of women who went through a course 752 00:37:57,692 --> 00:38:00,069 similar to the DARE program about blue balls, 753 00:38:00,152 --> 00:38:05,908 in which we learned that it is our duty to get you off, 754 00:38:06,033 --> 00:38:08,119 if you think you're going to get off, you know? 755 00:38:08,411 --> 00:38:10,579 If you make a guy hard, it's... 756 00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:15,376 You have to see it through or you're like a selfish cunt. 757 00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:16,377 Like, you... 758 00:38:16,836 --> 00:38:19,505 Why did you make him hard then, if you didn't want to make him come? 759 00:38:19,588 --> 00:38:21,465 So, do it, you know? 760 00:38:21,716 --> 00:38:25,761 If you build it, he must come. You know the rules. 761 00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:27,847 [crowd laughs and claps] 762 00:38:28,055 --> 00:38:30,141 Finish what you started. Clean Plate Club 763 00:38:30,224 --> 00:38:31,600 You get all these... 764 00:38:32,643 --> 00:38:33,894 Like, "I will." 765 00:38:34,437 --> 00:38:36,772 And I certainly will, because blue balls is a pain. 766 00:38:36,856 --> 00:38:38,774 It's a severe pain that I could inflict on a man 767 00:38:38,858 --> 00:38:40,067 by not blowing him. 768 00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:41,652 That's so mean. 769 00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:45,656 And the pain, apparently, girls, we can't even understand it. 770 00:38:46,741 --> 00:38:48,617 We can't. Physiologically our bodies 771 00:38:48,701 --> 00:38:51,329 are not made to understand that kind of pain, 772 00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:57,251 but I can guess the closest we can get is like maybe a spinal fracture, 773 00:38:57,335 --> 00:38:59,253 or like a gunshot wound. 774 00:39:00,421 --> 00:39:02,631 That's kind of in that range. So you go, 775 00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:05,593 "Oh my God, I don't want to make this guy feel that pain." 776 00:39:05,676 --> 00:39:08,095 This guy that I don't really even like that much. 777 00:39:08,179 --> 00:39:10,181 So, you blow him or you fuck him, 'cause you're like, 778 00:39:10,264 --> 00:39:12,975 "I don't want you to be in pain. Here's the antidote." 779 00:39:14,643 --> 00:39:18,230 And then you find out it's not a pain and that's a bunch of bullshit. 780 00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:21,609 It's not a pain. It's a feeling, for sure. 781 00:39:21,692 --> 00:39:24,779 It's a feeling, and I will validate that. It is just like a... 782 00:39:25,946 --> 00:39:27,573 [crowd laughing] 783 00:39:27,782 --> 00:39:29,200 "I want to. 784 00:39:29,700 --> 00:39:32,536 Please, but I want to! 785 00:39:33,287 --> 00:39:35,164 Mom! 786 00:39:35,289 --> 00:39:36,415 [claps] 787 00:39:36,540 --> 00:39:38,125 It's not fair! 788 00:39:38,542 --> 00:39:40,544 [crowd continues to laugh and clap] 789 00:39:40,836 --> 00:39:42,421 He got to come!" 790 00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:44,757 [Nikki shouts] 791 00:39:45,174 --> 00:39:46,759 That's it. That's the feeling. 792 00:39:49,178 --> 00:39:53,182 I know, and you can't act that way either, 'cause you're a man, 793 00:39:53,265 --> 00:39:55,643 you know, or at least you're dressed like one, so... 794 00:39:56,727 --> 00:39:59,271 You have to like bottle up that intense anger, 795 00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:01,816 and it must be annoying, and I get it, I've felt that way. 796 00:40:01,899 --> 00:40:05,111 I've not come before, like almost exclusively, 797 00:40:05,194 --> 00:40:06,487 so I understand... 798 00:40:07,655 --> 00:40:10,324 cranky clit or whatever it is to me. 799 00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:14,620 I felt that frustration and it sucks. 800 00:40:15,287 --> 00:40:18,958 And you feel it as a girl, if you don't make a guy come, 801 00:40:19,041 --> 00:40:21,127 and you give him blue balls or whatever that is, 802 00:40:21,210 --> 00:40:22,837 you feel it the next day. 803 00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:26,382 Girls, you ever spend the night in a bed with a guy and not touch his dick? 804 00:40:26,507 --> 00:40:29,301 The next morning, the energy will have shifted in the room. 805 00:40:29,385 --> 00:40:33,347 There's just a palpable anger, that even he is not aware of, 806 00:40:33,431 --> 00:40:38,769 but he's tying his shoes kind of loud and you're like, "Ah! Yikes!" 807 00:40:39,019 --> 00:40:41,230 He will have brought you to his place in an Uber black, 808 00:40:41,313 --> 00:40:43,482 but then you're going home in a Lyft Share. 809 00:40:43,566 --> 00:40:46,360 I mean, things have taken a turn. 810 00:40:47,820 --> 00:40:49,780 So, you just make guys come. 811 00:40:49,864 --> 00:40:51,490 Like you're just like, "I'll make him come, 812 00:40:51,574 --> 00:40:53,742 'cause I just don't want to hurt him. 813 00:40:53,868 --> 00:40:57,746 I don't want them to be mad at me. I don't want them to feel bad or sad, 814 00:40:57,830 --> 00:41:00,708 so I'll just fucking... Here, take a come. 815 00:41:00,791 --> 00:41:01,876 You can have a come." 816 00:41:01,959 --> 00:41:05,087 I was doling out comes all through my twenties. 817 00:41:05,296 --> 00:41:07,173 Gave away so many comes, 818 00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:09,758 and then I came up with a way to like stop giving out comes, 819 00:41:09,842 --> 00:41:11,677 which is I just wouldn't touch their penises. 820 00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:13,220 'Cause if you don't touch their penis 821 00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:14,972 then you don't have to do anything about it. 822 00:41:15,055 --> 00:41:17,892 That's a trick I learned, it's like, if you touch their hard dick, 823 00:41:17,975 --> 00:41:19,768 it's like inviting a vampire in your house, 824 00:41:19,852 --> 00:41:23,314 like you're obligated to then do something about it, 825 00:41:23,397 --> 00:41:26,108 or whatever that rule is. 826 00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:27,776 But you can avoid touching their dick. 827 00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:29,862 At the end of a date, I always keep my hands up here, 828 00:41:29,945 --> 00:41:32,781 'cause I'm just trying to figure out if I want to touch their dick or not. 829 00:41:32,865 --> 00:41:35,659 But I'm just keeping them up here and kind of keeping my space. 830 00:41:35,743 --> 00:41:38,704 'Cause I haven't decided, maybe I do want to touch your dick. 831 00:41:38,787 --> 00:41:40,623 I don't know yet. I'm trying to figure it out. 832 00:41:40,706 --> 00:41:42,374 I probably... It's always between, 833 00:41:42,458 --> 00:41:45,628 "Oh, do I go home with him or go home and eat?" 834 00:41:45,711 --> 00:41:50,132 Like, that's usually kind of the battle in a woman's mind. 835 00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:53,219 Especially me, like, if I'm nervous about a date, 836 00:41:53,302 --> 00:41:55,179 I usually haven't like eaten enough that day, 837 00:41:55,262 --> 00:41:58,015 'cause I'm scared we're gonna have sex and I don't wanna fart during it, 838 00:41:58,098 --> 00:42:00,184 so I've like just been like... 839 00:42:00,267 --> 00:42:02,144 So, I'm starving at this point and I'm just like, 840 00:42:02,228 --> 00:42:03,354 "I'm just going to go home." 841 00:42:03,437 --> 00:42:05,940 But sometimes, they like... They get frustrated and they're like, 842 00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:07,233 "Maybe she doesn't know I'm hard." 843 00:42:07,316 --> 00:42:09,860 I think that sometimes you guys are like, "Maybe she doesn't know." 844 00:42:09,944 --> 00:42:12,112 So, they'll take your hand and kind of Helen Keller you, 845 00:42:12,196 --> 00:42:13,781 "Hey, I'm hard right..." And you're like, 846 00:42:13,906 --> 00:42:16,450 "Oh, thank you, papa." Like, I just... 847 00:42:17,785 --> 00:42:18,911 I don't know why 'papa'. 848 00:42:18,994 --> 00:42:22,331 That doesn't fit either scenario, but we had fun. 849 00:42:24,625 --> 00:42:27,670 But then you touch it, and I do like a hot stove now, I'm like, 850 00:42:27,753 --> 00:42:30,297 "I didn't touch it, so I don't have to do anything." 851 00:42:31,423 --> 00:42:34,552 Cause if you don't touch, you can just kind of go, "Goodnight." 852 00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:39,890 And like, float away on a toadstool, and like, go home and eat in bed. 853 00:42:39,974 --> 00:42:42,309 And then... But then, if you touch it, you have to... 854 00:42:42,393 --> 00:42:45,479 You either have to do something to it, or you have to tell him 855 00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:49,358 that you don't want to do anything with it at this point, right? 856 00:42:49,441 --> 00:42:50,526 And you're just like, 857 00:42:50,609 --> 00:42:52,945 "I just don't like you enough now, or I'm not comfortable." 858 00:42:53,028 --> 00:42:56,240 It's like a hard conversation to kind of have and sometimes... 859 00:42:57,116 --> 00:43:00,828 I'm better at sucking dick than I am at sharing my true feelings. 860 00:43:01,537 --> 00:43:04,790 And so, I blow a guy to avoid telling him the truth. 861 00:43:05,291 --> 00:43:07,543 I've done it so many times. 862 00:43:09,753 --> 00:43:10,713 But... 863 00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:13,132 I just... 864 00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:16,135 For me to make you come now, I just like... 865 00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,762 If I'm not having sex, that used to be my go-to. 866 00:43:18,846 --> 00:43:20,264 Now, I'm like, "I have to blow you?" 867 00:43:20,556 --> 00:43:23,684 And I'm still not confident in my blow jobs and I was... 868 00:43:24,476 --> 00:43:26,103 I'm trying to get better, 869 00:43:26,186 --> 00:43:29,106 but recently I gave one, and 90 seconds in, 870 00:43:29,231 --> 00:43:30,899 the same thing happened that always happens, 871 00:43:30,983 --> 00:43:36,196 the guy just kind of held my head steady and decided to fuck it himself, you know? 872 00:43:36,822 --> 00:43:40,200 Kind of took over and and treated my head like a bird house. 873 00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:43,954 That's how I got through it, is pretending I'm a birdhouse. 874 00:43:47,541 --> 00:43:51,003 I just... I have no rhythm. I have no natural rhythm. 875 00:43:51,086 --> 00:43:52,588 And so, I actually was like, 876 00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:54,882 "Thank you, take the wheel. I don't know what you want." 877 00:43:56,634 --> 00:44:00,179 I just don't have a good sense of rhythm. I may be able to show you a good time, 878 00:44:00,262 --> 00:44:03,599 if you've like a metronome on your nightstand, but it's just not... 879 00:44:04,767 --> 00:44:07,478 Most girls do not like when you grab their head 880 00:44:07,561 --> 00:44:11,899 and just hold it and fuck it, but I truly appreciate the gesture and... 881 00:44:11,982 --> 00:44:14,610 'Cause then I can focus on what I'm actually good at, 882 00:44:14,693 --> 00:44:17,154 which is going to be surviving this blow job, 883 00:44:17,237 --> 00:44:21,575 because my breathing is now up to you, good sir. 884 00:44:21,909 --> 00:44:23,744 [crowd laughs] 885 00:44:23,827 --> 00:44:26,288 'Cause you don't seem to understand that I can't breathe 886 00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:28,207 when your dick is in my head. 887 00:44:29,917 --> 00:44:33,754 So, I hope you let me get a couple gasps in here and there. 888 00:44:34,755 --> 00:44:37,341 I always feel like I'm lost at sea when I'm sucking dick, 889 00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:39,927 and I'm just like emerging like, 890 00:44:40,010 --> 00:44:43,055 "Coast guard!" And just getting sucked back under. 891 00:44:43,305 --> 00:44:45,099 I've got to time them perfectly. 892 00:44:47,351 --> 00:44:49,103 And I'm good at breathing during blow jobs, 893 00:44:49,186 --> 00:44:51,397 'cause I didn't know guys didn't know we couldn't breathe, 894 00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:56,235 but we can't breathe when your dick is in our head. 895 00:44:56,318 --> 00:44:58,946 I have to get it through to you. I know you think we can, 896 00:44:59,029 --> 00:45:02,825 because of our nose. You're like, "Your nostrils don't have dicks in them." 897 00:45:03,450 --> 00:45:06,036 Like, clearly it's an open passage. 898 00:45:06,286 --> 00:45:08,706 It's the only way to shut off a girl's breathing. 899 00:45:08,956 --> 00:45:10,874 Let me tell you that it's from within. 900 00:45:10,958 --> 00:45:13,001 I don't know what's happening, but when the dick's your head, 901 00:45:13,085 --> 00:45:15,462 you can't breathe through your nose. You can't... It's like an inside job. 902 00:45:15,546 --> 00:45:17,881 You can't... I can't explain, but it's all getting clogged. 903 00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:20,342 It doesn't take a big dick. It doesn't take deepthroat. 904 00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:23,637 It's just all... And it's rarely deepthroat by the way. 905 00:45:23,721 --> 00:45:25,973 I just want to just briefly tell you that when you think... 906 00:45:26,056 --> 00:45:28,267 I don't know... Sometime you just go, "Take it." 907 00:45:28,350 --> 00:45:31,687 You know, you jam it and it's not like drain snaking its way 908 00:45:31,770 --> 00:45:33,647 gently down our esophagus like... 909 00:45:34,773 --> 00:45:38,026 Like a boomerang of a lady going down a waterslide. 910 00:45:38,110 --> 00:45:41,447 Like, "Oh, so fun. Easy does it." 911 00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:47,578 No, it's jamming into the back... It's crumpling into our soft palate. 912 00:45:49,288 --> 00:45:51,039 I'm like, "Does he know this is a cul-de-sac? 913 00:45:51,123 --> 00:45:53,167 Like, there's no way through." 914 00:45:53,292 --> 00:45:55,002 [crowd laughs and claps] 915 00:45:55,210 --> 00:45:59,006 Drive like your kids live here, like, take it slow, dude. 916 00:45:59,923 --> 00:46:03,761 He's punching in the... Ramming the back of your head. It hurts. 917 00:46:04,178 --> 00:46:06,513 It feels like you're trying to punch through 918 00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:08,515 like a game on The Price is Right. 919 00:46:08,599 --> 00:46:11,852 It's so aggressive and it hurts. 920 00:46:12,728 --> 00:46:14,188 It really does hurt. 921 00:46:14,271 --> 00:46:16,607 And I don't know if you guys can't tell 'cause you can't see, 922 00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:19,526 but start to look, you'll be able to tell just by just... 923 00:46:19,735 --> 00:46:23,822 It's a little thing we do, like, the tears streaming down our face. 924 00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:25,532 [crowd laughing] 925 00:46:25,699 --> 00:46:28,911 Thick tears, just like an elephant who lost a friend. 926 00:46:28,994 --> 00:46:30,621 Like those, just kind of like... 927 00:46:35,834 --> 00:46:38,587 That could be an indication. 928 00:46:39,379 --> 00:46:40,547 I couldn't be... 929 00:46:40,631 --> 00:46:45,469 I guess I wouldn't have known that, you know, you can't breath if a dick's 930 00:46:45,552 --> 00:46:47,596 in your head, had I not been on the receiving end. 931 00:46:47,679 --> 00:46:50,891 I don't know, maybe I wouldn't have, but I'm here to tell you we can't. 932 00:46:50,974 --> 00:46:53,143 And I found out guys didn't know that we couldn't breathe 933 00:46:53,227 --> 00:46:55,312 from watching a porn. Not even from my own experience. 934 00:46:55,395 --> 00:46:57,606 I saw this guy, and he was using this girl's head 935 00:46:57,689 --> 00:46:59,608 as a fleshlight, pretty aggressively. 936 00:46:59,942 --> 00:47:02,694 And he did the thing where he was like, "Take it all." 937 00:47:02,778 --> 00:47:07,324 And he... 'Cause he was mad at his Mom. Clearly, it was something to do with her. 938 00:47:07,407 --> 00:47:09,284 She didn't pick him up from school a couple times 939 00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:11,411 and she said she was going to make an effort to do so, 940 00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:14,581 and she was late and it was embarrassing, and so, he's taking it out on Savannah, 941 00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:16,333 and she had nothing to do with it. 942 00:47:16,416 --> 00:47:19,670 I mean, it was in the 80s, well before she was born and so... 943 00:47:21,129 --> 00:47:22,089 So he's... 944 00:47:22,631 --> 00:47:24,049 "Take it, bitch." 945 00:47:24,132 --> 00:47:27,094 And he's holding her there for a while, and I was holding my breath with her, 946 00:47:27,177 --> 00:47:29,721 'cause I was like, "I got you, girl. I know you can't breathe. 947 00:47:29,805 --> 00:47:33,684 Solidarity. Neighborhood Watch. Like, I am on it." 948 00:47:33,767 --> 00:47:35,018 So, I'm watching... 949 00:47:36,353 --> 00:47:40,983 and it's about a minute in and I'm like, "This girl's a pro. This is incredible. 950 00:47:41,066 --> 00:47:43,569 She must deep sea dive or some shit like that. 951 00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:45,320 This is awesome." 952 00:47:45,404 --> 00:47:48,866 And then, I saw him see her struggle. 953 00:47:48,949 --> 00:47:51,660 And he goes, "Oh, you think that's bad? What about now?" 954 00:47:51,743 --> 00:47:55,163 And he plugged her nose to be like, "Take it to the next level." 955 00:47:55,247 --> 00:47:56,874 I'm like, "This fucking idiot." 956 00:47:57,875 --> 00:48:00,502 First of all, that is the most worthless, like, "What about now?" 957 00:48:00,586 --> 00:48:02,546 He should have been like, "What about now?" 958 00:48:02,629 --> 00:48:05,424 And added like a fun Mardi Gras mask flourish, 959 00:48:05,507 --> 00:48:07,968 that would have been a more interesting challenge. 960 00:48:08,051 --> 00:48:09,011 [crowd laughs] 961 00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:12,431 Than this, which you're already doing. 962 00:48:12,848 --> 00:48:15,601 So I was like, "Oh my God, if this guy thinks she can't breathe now." 963 00:48:15,684 --> 00:48:18,562 Like, I'm about to watch her die, you know? 964 00:48:18,854 --> 00:48:23,191 So I came really hard, and I go back to it and I check in on her and I go... 965 00:48:23,442 --> 00:48:24,818 [claps from the audience] 966 00:48:25,027 --> 00:48:28,238 She survived. I'm happy to tell you she lived. 967 00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:32,326 'Cause she knew, and she's smart, and she did her safe word 968 00:48:32,409 --> 00:48:34,536 to get out of that, which worked out before which is... 969 00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:35,537 [imitates choke] 970 00:48:35,704 --> 00:48:36,830 And it's so... 971 00:48:38,540 --> 00:48:42,085 It's the correct pronunciation. I don't know how to spell it, but it is... 972 00:48:42,461 --> 00:48:44,588 I think it's Yiddish, but it's... 973 00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:48,300 [imitates again] [Nikki and crowd laugh] 974 00:48:49,718 --> 00:48:52,846 That's like a hot sound now, isn't that weird? 975 00:48:53,013 --> 00:48:55,766 Porn has made that like a sex sound. 976 00:48:56,058 --> 00:48:58,060 It used to... Porn sounds used to be like... 977 00:48:58,143 --> 00:48:59,686 [Nikki moans] And now they're... 978 00:48:59,853 --> 00:49:01,021 [imitates choke] 979 00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:02,606 [crowd laughs] 980 00:49:03,315 --> 00:49:05,609 It's that pervasive in porn. It's wild. 981 00:49:06,526 --> 00:49:09,529 I guarantee you there are at least 14 dudes in here 982 00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:11,281 with blood rushing to your dicks right now. 983 00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:15,327 Just based on Pavlov's dick response, of just like... 984 00:49:17,329 --> 00:49:20,791 "Is a girl getting choked by a dick somewhere? What's happening?" 985 00:49:20,874 --> 00:49:24,753 And I know you feel bad about it. It feels weird to be turned on by that, 986 00:49:24,836 --> 00:49:27,089 but it's okay, you just watch too much porn, it's fine. 987 00:49:27,172 --> 00:49:28,507 It's like, it's not gonna be fine 988 00:49:28,590 --> 00:49:31,760 when a woman is actually choking at a restaurant where you're... 989 00:49:32,844 --> 00:49:34,638 dining with your wife. 990 00:49:35,138 --> 00:49:37,099 And a woman's at the next table like... 991 00:49:38,183 --> 00:49:40,477 Your wife is like, "You know Heimlich. Give it to her." 992 00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:43,939 And you're like, "I can't, I have a boner, and I don't want to put it in her back 993 00:49:44,022 --> 00:49:47,150 as I save her life, so I'd rather she just like die." 994 00:49:48,819 --> 00:49:52,114 So, that'll be weird, but until then... 995 00:49:52,739 --> 00:49:56,326 It's just all these things. I'm willing to do all of this, by the way. 996 00:49:56,451 --> 00:50:00,622 So happy to do it. I like when guys come. 997 00:50:00,706 --> 00:50:03,583 It's like, it makes me feel good when they come. I'm not... 998 00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:05,752 I never want to be a comedian who's up here like, 999 00:50:05,836 --> 00:50:07,379 "Fucking men." You know? 1000 00:50:07,462 --> 00:50:11,049 I would love to be up here fucking men, that's a different thing. That's a... 1001 00:50:11,550 --> 00:50:15,929 It's a show I aspire to put on for you someday, but... 1002 00:50:16,430 --> 00:50:17,764 Building towards that. 1003 00:50:18,515 --> 00:50:21,101 But I just... I am willing to do all this stuff. 1004 00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:24,062 It's like... And I want you to come, and... 1005 00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:27,232 'Cause, girls, we like when guys come. We really do. 1006 00:50:27,315 --> 00:50:30,444 Like, it means we can get on our phones sooner, so it's like... 1007 00:50:30,944 --> 00:50:33,280 "Oh, good. He did that, and back on Instagram." 1008 00:50:34,531 --> 00:50:37,743 But I just can't give away any more comes. 1009 00:50:37,826 --> 00:50:41,747 I just can't anymore. I'm 35, and I just... 1010 00:50:41,830 --> 00:50:44,958 I don't know, if I... I think I just know my worth more. 1011 00:50:45,042 --> 00:50:46,251 I have value, 1012 00:50:46,334 --> 00:50:48,670 and like for me to suck your dick, like it's... 1013 00:50:49,087 --> 00:50:51,923 It's like a thousand bucks. Like, I don't know, like you can Venmo me, 1014 00:50:52,007 --> 00:50:53,675 or we'll... [crowd laughs] 1015 00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:56,344 Hooking up now is just... It's very complicated for me, 1016 00:50:56,428 --> 00:50:59,931 because I'm just plagued by this obligation to get you off, 1017 00:51:00,015 --> 00:51:03,101 that I can't even enjoy what you do to me anymore, 1018 00:51:03,185 --> 00:51:06,021 'cause I'm like, "What am I going to do to him." You know? 1019 00:51:06,104 --> 00:51:07,439 I get fingered and I'm just like, 1020 00:51:07,522 --> 00:51:10,233 "What am I going to be willing to take after this?" 1021 00:51:10,525 --> 00:51:13,028 It's like when you're in grade school and you give your friends... 1022 00:51:13,111 --> 00:51:15,655 You're like, "Let's massage each other" And you're doing back rubs. 1023 00:51:15,739 --> 00:51:17,657 The whole time, I'm like, "I can't even like this, 1024 00:51:17,741 --> 00:51:19,910 'cause I've got to rub this bitch next, like..." 1025 00:51:20,160 --> 00:51:22,496 That's what it feels like, hooking up with you. 1026 00:51:23,121 --> 00:51:24,456 Every single one of you. 1027 00:51:25,540 --> 00:51:27,209 And so, I think I've figured something out. 1028 00:51:27,292 --> 00:51:29,086 The best hook up scenario I can imagine, 1029 00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:32,172 and I think you guys will like this, too, is that I get fingered to completion, 1030 00:51:32,297 --> 00:51:35,759 and then I get out of the Uber. 1031 00:51:35,842 --> 00:51:37,260 And I feel like that... 1032 00:51:37,344 --> 00:51:38,303 [crowd laughs and claps] 1033 00:51:38,428 --> 00:51:39,471 I'll tip you. 1034 00:51:39,930 --> 00:51:41,056 I'll throw a tip on there 1035 00:51:41,139 --> 00:51:43,600 the next time I pull up the app. I know how to do it. 1036 00:51:44,518 --> 00:51:45,644 Please. 1037 00:51:48,438 --> 00:51:51,566 I would love that to be a part of the Uber app, Uber finger. 1038 00:51:51,650 --> 00:51:54,945 It just... It's like you pay more, you pay double, 1039 00:51:55,028 --> 00:51:56,905 'cause it's like, it's a two-man operation. 1040 00:51:56,988 --> 00:51:59,866 We can't have our drivers fingering the passengers. 1041 00:51:59,950 --> 00:52:02,953 So, there's a guy in the back seat, it's not even a guy, it's maybe a girl. 1042 00:52:03,036 --> 00:52:04,454 You don't know, he's wearing a mask. 1043 00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:06,540 They don't... They're not allowed to talk to you. 1044 00:52:06,623 --> 00:52:08,041 He's maybe dressed like a minion. 1045 00:52:08,125 --> 00:52:11,837 It's a tie-in with Sony for a promotional stunt. I don't know.... 1046 00:52:12,170 --> 00:52:14,172 We're still working out the kinks. 1047 00:52:14,756 --> 00:52:16,800 It's in beta, but... 1048 00:52:17,717 --> 00:52:19,636 Yeah, it's a two-man op. 1049 00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:21,763 It has to be a two-man op, you're going to pay extra 1050 00:52:21,888 --> 00:52:24,391 until there's self-driving cars, right, and then... 1051 00:52:25,433 --> 00:52:29,604 As soon as there are self-fingering cars, I mean, you'll never hear from me again. 1052 00:52:29,688 --> 00:52:31,481 Truly... I'll be gone. 1053 00:52:32,274 --> 00:52:34,693 I'd be a real road dog after that. 1054 00:52:34,860 --> 00:52:36,319 [crowd laughing] 1055 00:52:36,903 --> 00:52:41,283 It does take a lot for me to want to do anything to a guy now, 1056 00:52:41,366 --> 00:52:42,993 'cause I just can't, you know? 1057 00:52:43,076 --> 00:52:43,910 And I would. 1058 00:52:43,994 --> 00:52:46,621 I would love to, just, I need... 1059 00:52:46,872 --> 00:52:50,292 And I bristle at even saying this word, but I need more foreplay. 1060 00:52:50,542 --> 00:52:54,337 And I hate saying that, I never wanted to be a female comic 1061 00:52:54,421 --> 00:52:57,007 who said, "More foreplay. We need more foreplay." 1062 00:52:57,090 --> 00:53:02,012 I like... I looked at sitcoms in the 90s. I saw housewives on those shows be like, 1063 00:53:02,095 --> 00:53:05,307 "Well, if he had more foreplay." I just heard foreplay and I'm like, 1064 00:53:05,390 --> 00:53:08,101 "You should never ask for more foreplay, guys hate it." 1065 00:53:08,185 --> 00:53:11,521 Because I hear audience members go like, "Boo, foreplay!" 1066 00:53:11,605 --> 00:53:12,814 And the dudes would be like... 1067 00:53:12,981 --> 00:53:15,150 And then the girls would be like, "Tee-he, we relate." 1068 00:53:15,233 --> 00:53:17,027 And then they'd get beat on the car ride home, 1069 00:53:17,110 --> 00:53:20,447 so I was like, "Okay, I'm never going to demand foreplay." 1070 00:53:21,156 --> 00:53:23,283 I'd never had sex, but I'm like, "This foreplay thing, 1071 00:53:23,366 --> 00:53:25,160 I'm going to let it slide. I don't give a shit. 1072 00:53:25,243 --> 00:53:27,370 Stick it in dry. Pay me $0.80 on the dollar. 1073 00:53:27,454 --> 00:53:30,665 I should just be happy this guy wants to stick his dick in my ugly head." 1074 00:53:30,790 --> 00:53:32,667 [crowd laughs] I truly believed that. 1075 00:53:32,751 --> 00:53:34,336 I was like, "I'm never gonna complain about foreplay." 1076 00:53:34,419 --> 00:53:37,923 And then I started hooking up and I'm like, "We need more foreplay." 1077 00:53:38,006 --> 00:53:41,009 Hand me a fucking blazer with shoulder pads in it, 1078 00:53:41,092 --> 00:53:44,095 and give me some high-waisted jeans, frizz-out my hair, 1079 00:53:44,179 --> 00:53:46,514 'cause we need more foreplay. Like, I just... 1080 00:53:47,265 --> 00:53:49,684 I'm with those 90s bitches now. 1081 00:53:49,976 --> 00:53:52,729 You didn't listen. I don't understand what to tell you. 1082 00:53:52,812 --> 00:53:56,274 I have been fingered when I'm dry so many times this year, 1083 00:53:56,399 --> 00:53:59,110 it is truly an act of terrorism. 1084 00:53:59,194 --> 00:54:02,113 [crowd laughing] I am so sick of it. 1085 00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:06,284 You should not ever finger a dry vagina. Ever! 1086 00:54:06,368 --> 00:54:07,744 It should never happen. 1087 00:54:07,827 --> 00:54:10,872 When you get fingered, when you're dry, as a woman, it's the same as if we took 1088 00:54:10,956 --> 00:54:14,167 your limp dick, and we were just like, "Come on." 1089 00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:18,088 We would never do that to you. 1090 00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:23,510 I don't even look at a limp dick. Like, I wouldn't touch one. 1091 00:54:23,593 --> 00:54:26,221 I don't look at one, 'cause I know you're not proud of it. 1092 00:54:26,304 --> 00:54:29,516 So, I'm like, "I won't look at it until he's ready for me to see it, 1093 00:54:29,599 --> 00:54:31,726 and to meet it, okay." So... 1094 00:54:33,144 --> 00:54:36,856 I treat it like your wedding dress. I'm just like, "I'll let him show it to me 1095 00:54:36,940 --> 00:54:39,609 when he's ready, for good luck or whatever the hell." 1096 00:54:40,151 --> 00:54:44,948 I never look at a limp dick, and I'm dying to play with a limp dick. 1097 00:54:45,031 --> 00:54:47,742 I would love it. But I don't even let myself. 1098 00:54:47,826 --> 00:54:50,078 I don't get to, because I respect your boundaries. 1099 00:54:50,161 --> 00:54:53,415 But if I could, oh, I'd do this, and I'd stretch it. 1100 00:54:53,498 --> 00:54:55,959 You can stretch it and it does... 1101 00:54:56,042 --> 00:54:58,169 They don't care, until they wake up 1102 00:54:58,253 --> 00:55:00,463 and they're like, "Hey, will you cut it out?" 1103 00:55:00,547 --> 00:55:01,840 [crowd laughs] 1104 00:55:01,923 --> 00:55:03,174 It's so fun. 1105 00:55:03,633 --> 00:55:04,884 They're so fun. 1106 00:55:05,468 --> 00:55:06,469 Oh my God. 1107 00:55:07,387 --> 00:55:08,930 But I'm serious, guys, 1108 00:55:09,014 --> 00:55:12,892 like you got to cut it out with the dry fingering. It's truly... 1109 00:55:13,852 --> 00:55:15,437 It's devastating. It sucks. 1110 00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:19,399 And I've tried different ways to avoid getting fingered while dry. 1111 00:55:19,482 --> 00:55:21,776 That's why my pants keep getting higher and higher, 1112 00:55:21,860 --> 00:55:24,487 as I'm building in more track time for me, 1113 00:55:24,571 --> 00:55:26,906 when you're on your way down, to make myself wet. 1114 00:55:26,990 --> 00:55:29,326 I'm just like, "Get wet. Get wet for the summer. Get wet." 1115 00:55:30,035 --> 00:55:34,122 And I never do, you always get down there, and then I hear a squeak, 1116 00:55:34,205 --> 00:55:37,751 and I'm like, "Fuck, he thinks I'm menopausal." 1117 00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:41,171 I've gone as far as like, if I know a guy is going to be worthless, 1118 00:55:41,254 --> 00:55:44,883 I'll finger myself on the cab ride to dinner with him. 1119 00:55:45,133 --> 00:55:47,761 Just to get a nice sheen going before we break bread. 1120 00:55:47,927 --> 00:55:49,596 I don't trust you anymore. 1121 00:55:49,763 --> 00:55:51,097 [crowd laughing] 1122 00:55:52,223 --> 00:55:54,142 Yeah, sometimes, guys when they spit on you, 1123 00:55:54,225 --> 00:55:56,186 it's like almost insulting, 1124 00:55:56,269 --> 00:55:58,938 because sometimes I work so hard to get myself wet, 1125 00:55:59,022 --> 00:56:01,358 and I want to like show it off, and sometimes guys will... 1126 00:56:01,441 --> 00:56:03,485 Like, just do that and I'm like, "Umm..." 1127 00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:06,863 Don't salt your food before you try it. Like can you at least like... 1128 00:56:06,946 --> 00:56:08,198 [crowd laughs and claps] 1129 00:56:11,868 --> 00:56:14,079 Respect the chef, like, I... 1130 00:56:19,167 --> 00:56:21,669 Oh God. I asked my friend the other day, I'm like, 1131 00:56:21,753 --> 00:56:24,005 "What do you do for foreplay when you hook up with a girl?" 1132 00:56:24,089 --> 00:56:26,800 And he's like, "I don't know, I really like fucking on the couch. 1133 00:56:26,883 --> 00:56:28,301 I think that's pretty cool." 1134 00:56:28,426 --> 00:56:30,428 [crowd laughing] 1135 00:56:30,804 --> 00:56:31,638 Okay. 1136 00:56:32,722 --> 00:56:33,640 That's what they think. 1137 00:56:33,723 --> 00:56:36,643 They think as long as it's out of the bedroom, that counts. 1138 00:56:37,519 --> 00:56:40,021 Fully penetrating a woman on a couch. 1139 00:56:41,439 --> 00:56:42,273 Foreplay. 1140 00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:45,485 No, foreplay is... It's simple. 1141 00:56:45,568 --> 00:56:48,029 It's kissing. It's compliments. 1142 00:56:48,113 --> 00:56:50,573 It's going to therapy. It's just... 1143 00:56:50,824 --> 00:56:52,826 Work on yourself. 1144 00:56:53,618 --> 00:56:56,913 Whisper in my ear that you're ready to address your anger with your dad, 1145 00:56:56,996 --> 00:56:57,956 and I'll fucking... 1146 00:56:58,039 --> 00:57:02,544 You'll get an alert on your phone about a flash flood, I'll get wet so fast. 1147 00:57:02,877 --> 00:57:04,254 [imitates an alarm wailing] 1148 00:57:04,337 --> 00:57:06,881 "Evacuate caves!" Like I... 1149 00:57:08,049 --> 00:57:11,636 I can get wet. I just... Dry humping. 1150 00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:14,347 Man, I get turned on just thinking about dry humping. 1151 00:57:14,431 --> 00:57:18,017 I could ride a knee into the goddamn sunset. 1152 00:57:18,101 --> 00:57:19,853 Give me a knee. 1153 00:57:22,147 --> 00:57:28,236 A knee clad in denim and I can just get up on it. 1154 00:57:29,154 --> 00:57:33,158 Like Don Quixote up in this bitch. I love dry humping. 1155 00:57:34,033 --> 00:57:36,077 I want to invent a move called The Reverse Santa, 1156 00:57:36,161 --> 00:57:37,370 where a girl just... You get... 1157 00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:40,540 They face you sitting down, you get on their knee. You grind it out. 1158 00:57:40,623 --> 00:57:42,000 You tell them what you want for Christmas. 1159 00:57:42,083 --> 00:57:45,211 They call you a good girl, and then you take a picture. And that's... 1160 00:57:45,336 --> 00:57:46,838 [crowd laughs and claps] 1161 00:57:46,921 --> 00:57:49,924 Coming to a mall near you this holiday season. 1162 00:57:50,592 --> 00:57:51,551 That's what I want. 1163 00:57:52,218 --> 00:57:54,220 [crowd cheers and continues to clap] 1164 00:57:55,805 --> 00:57:58,391 Just do stuff to us that isn't our vagina. 1165 00:57:58,475 --> 00:58:02,270 Like just keep it dry before it's wet. I think dry humping's great. 1166 00:58:02,812 --> 00:58:06,191 We all are wearing jeans now, like this, that have like a seam... 1167 00:58:06,274 --> 00:58:09,861 Right where the seams meet there's like a bump. 1168 00:58:10,236 --> 00:58:11,738 It's called a clit nobbin. 1169 00:58:11,821 --> 00:58:17,660 That's the name that Levi Strauss gave it in his blueprints for the original 501s. 1170 00:58:19,245 --> 00:58:23,124 But that's good, you use that and just... That's a huge bump there. 1171 00:58:23,208 --> 00:58:24,375 He put it a little low, 1172 00:58:24,459 --> 00:58:27,545 'cause every guy thinks your clit is like where your hole is. 1173 00:58:27,795 --> 00:58:29,839 Just like, "Oh, he thought it was where the hole is." 1174 00:58:29,923 --> 00:58:31,674 So, you've got to hike it up, but.. 1175 00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:33,676 And it is hard to locate a clit. 1176 00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:36,095 I don't mean to like judge a guy for not knowing. 1177 00:58:36,221 --> 00:58:37,305 Sometimes I look down there, 1178 00:58:37,388 --> 00:58:39,641 "I don't know where the fuck that thing is hiding today." 1179 00:58:39,724 --> 00:58:44,479 Keep a little post it on it now, it's easy to locate but... 1180 00:58:46,314 --> 00:58:49,442 You got to be sucking clit. Do you guys know about that? 1181 00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:52,070 Clit stuff's important, and sucking clit is where it's at. 1182 00:58:52,153 --> 00:58:54,280 I didn't know anything about sucking clit. 1183 00:58:54,447 --> 00:58:57,450 I would have done the same thing that you guys do when you go down on us. 1184 00:58:57,534 --> 00:59:00,620 If I went down on a girl I would have done the same style. 1185 00:59:00,703 --> 00:59:05,041 I would just rub my face in it until I hit something, like, that's good. 1186 00:59:05,500 --> 00:59:08,044 I like that. Keep that. I do enjoy it. 1187 00:59:08,127 --> 00:59:11,714 It's like when I play video games, I like press all the buttons and I win. 1188 00:59:11,798 --> 00:59:15,176 I'm just like, just same logic. 1189 00:59:16,678 --> 00:59:20,139 However, you got to be sucking clit. Let me tell you about this. 1190 00:59:20,223 --> 00:59:23,977 I didn't even know about sucking clit until I got sent a toy that did it for me. 1191 00:59:24,060 --> 00:59:26,729 This woman had heard me talk a lot about how I... 1192 00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:30,608 For me to have an orgasm, I need like a lot of pressure, peer. 1193 00:59:30,775 --> 00:59:31,651 And so... 1194 00:59:33,278 --> 00:59:35,863 She's like, "You need the Womanizer." And I was like, 1195 00:59:35,947 --> 00:59:38,866 "Yeah, I've been trying to slide into John Mayer's DMs for a while now." 1196 00:59:38,950 --> 00:59:42,370 And I was like, "He writes, LOL and then he just kind of peters off." 1197 00:59:42,453 --> 00:59:44,497 And she's like, "No, I'm talking about a tool." 1198 00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:48,126 And I was like, "Yeah, so am I, but I guess he's... 1199 00:59:48,459 --> 00:59:50,336 I like some of his songs and..." 1200 00:59:50,628 --> 00:59:51,588 So... 1201 00:59:53,339 --> 00:59:55,592 we had a little back and forth, a little who's on first. 1202 00:59:55,675 --> 00:59:59,220 And then she sent me this toy and it blew my mind, 1203 00:59:59,304 --> 01:00:01,472 because you put it over your clit and it sucks your clit. 1204 01:00:01,556 --> 01:00:04,642 It has three settings, it's low, medium, squirt and then it... 1205 01:00:06,102 --> 01:00:07,812 I swear to you, you can squirt. 1206 01:00:07,895 --> 01:00:12,191 I didn't think I could and now I know I can do anything. Like... 1207 01:00:12,275 --> 01:00:13,359 [Nikki and audience laugh] 1208 01:00:13,526 --> 01:00:15,069 We can do anything. 1209 01:00:15,945 --> 01:00:18,072 I never could squirt and I wanted to, 1210 01:00:18,156 --> 01:00:20,366 'cause I think it's such a cool power move. 1211 01:00:20,491 --> 01:00:24,037 Like, just to just dump a quart of water on a guy's bed and be like, "Peace." 1212 01:00:24,120 --> 01:00:27,206 And just like, "Catch you on the flip, dude." Like... 1213 01:00:27,290 --> 01:00:28,666 [crowd claps and laughs] 1214 01:00:28,750 --> 01:00:30,585 Nothing cooler than that to me. 1215 01:00:32,295 --> 01:00:35,214 No, it's like sucking clit makes sense, dude, it really does. 1216 01:00:35,298 --> 01:00:37,925 Because clits and penises are pretty much the same thing, 1217 01:00:38,009 --> 01:00:39,260 like the same nerve endings. 1218 01:00:39,344 --> 01:00:41,596 So, what you really need to treat it like, is like go down on a girl 1219 01:00:41,679 --> 01:00:45,391 and suck her clit like you would a tiny version of your penis, okay? 1220 01:00:45,558 --> 01:00:48,061 I know that feels weird to say and to even do, 1221 01:00:48,144 --> 01:00:50,313 but I swear to God, if you go down there 1222 01:00:50,396 --> 01:00:53,399 and you just treat her clit like you would your tiny little penis, 1223 01:00:53,483 --> 01:00:55,401 and you suck that tiny little penis... 1224 01:00:55,652 --> 01:00:57,362 you're gay. 1225 01:00:57,445 --> 01:01:00,865 You're so gay! That's the gayest shit I ever heard. 1226 01:01:00,948 --> 01:01:02,200 Why would you do that? 1227 01:01:02,450 --> 01:01:04,452 [crowd clapping and laughing] 1228 01:01:05,828 --> 01:01:06,704 Dude. 1229 01:01:08,790 --> 01:01:10,625 No, it's fucking great. Do it. Please, do it. 1230 01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:13,878 That's the best. 1231 01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:16,089 So, when you... So, next time you go down on a girl, 1232 01:01:16,172 --> 01:01:19,926 I'm not kidding you, find her clit and you latch onto that thing 1233 01:01:20,009 --> 01:01:23,763 like a barnacle on an old boat. I swear to you. 1234 01:01:25,390 --> 01:01:29,686 Just latch on and don't let go until the captain sprays you off. 1235 01:01:29,769 --> 01:01:30,895 'Cause she's gonna. 1236 01:01:32,063 --> 01:01:33,481 Oh, she's gonna. 1237 01:01:35,316 --> 01:01:37,985 And then, you swallow. No, don't do that. 1238 01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:41,239 You'll drown. [crowd laughs and claps] 1239 01:01:42,532 --> 01:01:43,700 That would be cool. 1240 01:01:44,450 --> 01:01:46,202 And I'm like, "Take it all." 1241 01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:49,372 [crowd continues to clap and laugh] 1242 01:01:49,747 --> 01:01:50,581 He's like... 1243 01:01:52,667 --> 01:01:55,336 Is that feminism? [crowd laughing] 1244 01:01:55,503 --> 01:01:58,172 I think I just stumbled upon feminism. 1245 01:01:58,464 --> 01:02:00,466 [cheers from the audience] 1246 01:02:01,050 --> 01:02:02,635 Thank you guys very much. 1247 01:02:03,678 --> 01:02:04,554 You're fucking rad. 1248 01:02:05,471 --> 01:02:06,305 Thank you for... 1249 01:02:06,931 --> 01:02:09,726 Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for being here. 1250 01:02:09,809 --> 01:02:11,936 I love you. Thank you for watching at home. 1251 01:02:12,019 --> 01:02:13,146 Thank you. Good night. 1252 01:02:13,479 --> 01:02:15,481 [crowd cheering and clapping] 1253 01:02:21,237 --> 01:02:23,406 Subtitle by Matheus Modesto 1254 01:03:26,719 --> 01:03:27,720 Perfect.