1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:12,965 --> 00:00:14,965 [garage-style music] 4 00:00:15,365 --> 00:00:17,365 [thunderous applause] 5 00:00:27,365 --> 00:00:29,365 [energetic music] 6 00:00:29,805 --> 00:00:31,805 [loud cheering] 7 00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,045 Hey! 8 00:00:39,125 --> 00:00:41,245 Hey! Yay! 9 00:00:41,325 --> 00:00:42,805 [chanting] ♪ Olly, Olly, Olly! ♪ 10 00:00:42,885 --> 00:00:43,805 ♪ Oi, Oi, Oi! ♪ 11 00:00:43,885 --> 00:00:46,285 ♪ We say, "Olly, Olly, Olly!" ♪ 12 00:00:46,365 --> 00:00:47,485 [audience] ♪ Oi, Oi, Oi! ♪ 13 00:00:47,565 --> 00:00:49,245 ♪ We say, "Oh, Oh, Oh!" ♪ 14 00:00:49,685 --> 00:00:51,205 [audience] ♪ Oh, Oh, Oh! ♪ 15 00:00:51,605 --> 00:00:52,565 ♪ Olly, Olly, Oh! ♪ 16 00:00:53,205 --> 00:00:54,725 [audience] ♪ Olly, Olly, Oh! ♪ 17 00:00:54,845 --> 00:00:55,685 [music ends] 18 00:00:55,765 --> 00:00:58,445 -Yeah! How we doing, you alright? -[audience cheers] 19 00:00:58,525 --> 00:01:00,525 -[Mo chuckles] -[wolf whistles] 20 00:01:02,765 --> 00:01:04,405 Lovely to see everybody here. 21 00:01:04,645 --> 00:01:06,685 Single ladies in the house, make some noise. 22 00:01:06,765 --> 00:01:07,965 [women cheer] 23 00:01:08,085 --> 00:01:08,925 [Mo] Okay. 24 00:01:09,525 --> 00:01:12,045 Some girls, they don't know, they're a bit unsure. 25 00:01:12,965 --> 00:01:13,925 [Mo laughs] 26 00:01:14,005 --> 00:01:15,885 Some girls are looking at their girl: 27 00:01:16,005 --> 00:01:18,325 "Hold on but, you went to-- What?! Since when?" 28 00:01:18,405 --> 00:01:19,365 [laughter] 29 00:01:19,685 --> 00:01:21,245 Looking at single guys in the room: 30 00:01:21,325 --> 00:01:23,485 "Where? Which ones? Where? Where? Where? 31 00:01:23,565 --> 00:01:24,685 Where?" 32 00:01:25,125 --> 00:01:27,165 Ah, it's lovely to be here though, man. 33 00:01:27,245 --> 00:01:28,525 'Cause you see with comedy, yeah? 34 00:01:28,605 --> 00:01:30,125 Doing this stand-up stuff, 35 00:01:30,205 --> 00:01:33,045 I always felt like I get my comedy from my mum's side. 36 00:01:33,165 --> 00:01:36,045 My mum's a very bubbly, humorous person as well. 37 00:01:36,125 --> 00:01:38,325 Actually, are there any mums in tonight? Any mums? 38 00:01:38,405 --> 00:01:39,445 [women cheering] 39 00:01:39,765 --> 00:01:41,045 "Finished the school run, boy? 40 00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:43,325 -Go on, fucking go play, then." -[raucous laughter] 41 00:01:43,405 --> 00:01:44,485 [Mo laughs] 42 00:01:45,085 --> 00:01:46,845 But I'll be honest, yeah? 43 00:01:46,925 --> 00:01:49,085 Some mums are dickheads, innit. Some mums... 44 00:01:49,165 --> 00:01:50,805 -[loud laughter] -...are dickheads. 45 00:01:51,085 --> 00:01:52,685 Look at that one mum right now: 46 00:01:52,765 --> 00:01:53,685 "I'm a dickhead? Okay. 47 00:01:53,765 --> 00:01:55,445 This'll be on TripAdvisor, how about that? 48 00:01:55,525 --> 00:01:56,885 How's that for a 'dickhead'?" 49 00:01:56,965 --> 00:01:57,885 [laughter] 50 00:01:58,005 --> 00:01:59,325 Nah. But what it is, yeah, 51 00:01:59,565 --> 00:02:02,805 growing up, mums used to do dickhead things. 52 00:02:02,885 --> 00:02:04,485 Every mum done dickhead things. 53 00:02:04,565 --> 00:02:06,245 You don't even know it. Look at mums now: 54 00:02:06,325 --> 00:02:07,805 "Well, tell us! 55 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,245 What about giving birth, was that a 'dickhead' thing?" 56 00:02:10,445 --> 00:02:11,605 -[laughter] -[Mo laughs] 57 00:02:11,725 --> 00:02:14,005 For example, when I was a kid, right? 58 00:02:14,085 --> 00:02:16,285 You know when you had to go shopping with your mum. 59 00:02:16,525 --> 00:02:19,045 My mum always did a small, mid-week shop, right? 60 00:02:19,125 --> 00:02:21,725 And when you go shopping, you want things, too. 61 00:02:21,805 --> 00:02:25,045 Everyone's sneaked items in the basket, we've all done that. 62 00:02:25,365 --> 00:02:27,285 Remember sneaking items in the basket? 63 00:02:27,445 --> 00:02:29,165 "Achoo!" Just throw something in, 64 00:02:29,285 --> 00:02:30,365 -you know. -[laughter] 65 00:02:30,445 --> 00:02:32,405 But sometimes, there was genuine things 66 00:02:32,525 --> 00:02:34,965 that you wanted in this basket: healthy options. 67 00:02:35,045 --> 00:02:36,165 You know, I remember-- 68 00:02:36,325 --> 00:02:38,445 Remember those small selections of cereal? 69 00:02:38,565 --> 00:02:40,645 -Remember those, yeah? -[audience] Yeah! 70 00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:42,485 You know, you'd pick them up, yeah? 71 00:02:42,565 --> 00:02:44,085 You'd do that classic mum call 72 00:02:44,245 --> 00:02:46,125 when you want something when you're a kid. 73 00:02:46,245 --> 00:02:47,205 You'd be like, 74 00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:48,485 [quietly] "Mum." 75 00:02:48,725 --> 00:02:50,085 [laughter] 76 00:02:50,645 --> 00:02:51,525 [quietly] "Mama." 77 00:02:51,765 --> 00:02:53,125 [laughter] 78 00:02:53,245 --> 00:02:54,925 "Can we, Mum? Please can we?" 79 00:02:55,285 --> 00:02:57,485 And this is why I say, growing up, yeah, 80 00:02:57,605 --> 00:03:00,685 my mum was a Champion League dickhead. Do you know why, yeah? 81 00:03:01,045 --> 00:03:03,405 My mum didn't even look at the item! 82 00:03:03,485 --> 00:03:05,125 Y'know when she didn't even look-- 83 00:03:05,205 --> 00:03:08,445 "No. You can put that right back, Mister." 84 00:03:09,005 --> 00:03:12,245 "Ah, fucking hell! This dickhead woman, man. What the hell? 85 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:13,805 Dickhead, man." [sucks teeth] 86 00:03:13,885 --> 00:03:14,885 [audience laughter] 87 00:03:15,165 --> 00:03:16,605 "Look at you, man..." [sucks teeth] 88 00:03:17,445 --> 00:03:20,205 -"With your fat ankles, chatting shit." -[raucous laughter] 89 00:03:20,285 --> 00:03:21,885 [Mo giggling] 90 00:03:21,965 --> 00:03:24,765 Ha! Everyone's mum's got fat ankles, don't try it, bruv. 91 00:03:24,845 --> 00:03:26,405 -[laughter] -[Mo chuckles] 92 00:03:26,485 --> 00:03:27,605 "Nah, not my mum." 93 00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:29,845 Your mum's got the 'cankles' as well, innit. 94 00:03:29,925 --> 00:03:31,525 -[laughter] -[Mo chuckles] 95 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,645 The beautiful thing about a family, yeah? 96 00:03:33,725 --> 00:03:36,405 Our families all in this room are uniquely different. 97 00:03:36,485 --> 00:03:38,285 Your family is different from yours. 98 00:03:38,365 --> 00:03:40,005 Yours is different from yours. 99 00:03:40,085 --> 00:03:42,045 But everybody's got that one auntie. 100 00:03:42,325 --> 00:03:44,565 At a wedding, yeah? We all know that auntie. 101 00:03:44,645 --> 00:03:46,245 She's always got real-life problems 102 00:03:46,325 --> 00:03:47,725 going on in her life. 103 00:03:48,205 --> 00:03:50,885 Yeah? She's depressed, alcoholic, 104 00:03:50,965 --> 00:03:51,805 got alopecia. 105 00:03:51,885 --> 00:03:53,685 -Something is going on... -[laughter] 106 00:03:53,885 --> 00:03:55,125 ...in her life, yeah? 107 00:03:55,565 --> 00:03:57,365 Now, over here on the dance floor, 108 00:03:57,845 --> 00:04:00,205 you've got kids at weddings, yeah? Personally, 109 00:04:00,445 --> 00:04:02,125 -fuck these little kids, innit. -[laughter] 110 00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:03,525 They're always running round, 111 00:04:03,605 --> 00:04:05,525 sliding... in the way. 112 00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:07,725 And there's the one mum, can't enjoy herself, 113 00:04:07,805 --> 00:04:09,285 keeps telling off the kid: 114 00:04:09,365 --> 00:04:11,045 [shouting] "Listen! Stop sliding! 115 00:04:11,325 --> 00:04:12,245 Stop sliding!" 116 00:04:12,325 --> 00:04:14,085 [panting] "No, Mum. 117 00:04:14,245 --> 00:04:16,125 Mum." [panting] 118 00:04:16,205 --> 00:04:17,525 "No, Mum, I just ate, Mum. 119 00:04:17,645 --> 00:04:19,605 I'm just playing with my new cousin--" 120 00:04:19,685 --> 00:04:21,125 "You don't even know that kid! 121 00:04:21,485 --> 00:04:22,525 You only met him today! 122 00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:24,605 Could be a pedophile, you don't know him!" 123 00:04:24,685 --> 00:04:25,565 [laughter] 124 00:04:25,685 --> 00:04:26,765 And you know when-- 125 00:04:26,845 --> 00:04:28,645 You know when your mum gets so mad, 126 00:04:28,725 --> 00:04:30,565 she talks to herself, you seen mums do that? 127 00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:32,605 "He's still running, I'm gonna fucking kill him. 128 00:04:32,685 --> 00:04:35,365 He's still going. What's he running for? I'm gonna fucking kill him." 129 00:04:37,205 --> 00:04:39,325 But you see, over here, yeah? Over here... 130 00:04:39,605 --> 00:04:41,645 You've got your uncle, right? 131 00:04:41,965 --> 00:04:44,085 Now, what it is, 132 00:04:44,245 --> 00:04:46,685 he's actually your cousin but he's over 50, 133 00:04:46,765 --> 00:04:47,765 so you call him 'uncle.' 134 00:04:48,485 --> 00:04:50,605 [chuckling] You guys have that guy, too? 135 00:04:51,285 --> 00:04:53,285 'Cause you know your young cousins, yeah? 136 00:04:53,365 --> 00:04:55,325 You're like, "Yo, what you saying, cuz?! 137 00:04:55,485 --> 00:04:58,845 Man, like, you-- What? FIFA? Oi, I'm gonna batter you on FIFA!" 138 00:04:58,925 --> 00:05:00,445 See your uncle try and get involved: 139 00:05:00,525 --> 00:05:02,045 "You lot still playing the cricket?" 140 00:05:02,125 --> 00:05:04,765 "Who the fuck plays cricket? What you on about?" 141 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,205 [laughing] "Shut up, Winston." 142 00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:09,765 -[Mo laughs] -[laughter] 143 00:05:10,845 --> 00:05:13,845 Now, in everyone's family, there's always that weird uncle. 144 00:05:14,205 --> 00:05:15,485 You've seen him in the club, 145 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,005 you know, guys gotta do your rounds. 146 00:05:17,085 --> 00:05:19,965 But you've seen the pervy guy, the bar is over here 147 00:05:20,045 --> 00:05:22,685 but this guy's not gonna go that way. 148 00:05:22,765 --> 00:05:25,365 -"Sorry, excuse me, coming through... -[laughter] 149 00:05:25,485 --> 00:05:28,565 ...Excuse me. Can you move out the way, please? 150 00:05:28,725 --> 00:05:29,605 Excuse me." 151 00:05:29,725 --> 00:05:33,685 [sexual groans] 152 00:05:34,325 --> 00:05:37,605 Urgh! You know he's got dirty fingernails and that. Urrrgh! 153 00:05:38,085 --> 00:05:40,565 [laughing] Try and offer you a biscuit at work: 154 00:05:40,685 --> 00:05:42,245 -"Nah, I'm allergic... -[laughter] 155 00:05:42,325 --> 00:05:44,205 ...to biscuits." [chuckles] 156 00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:47,765 Then, over here, you have my favorite member of the family: 157 00:05:47,845 --> 00:05:48,725 it's dads. 158 00:05:48,805 --> 00:05:50,925 Now dads always wanna complete their night 159 00:05:51,125 --> 00:05:53,605 by having a dance with their daughter. 160 00:05:53,685 --> 00:05:55,725 But we all know dads drink too much, 161 00:05:55,965 --> 00:05:57,285 end up spoiling the party, 162 00:05:57,605 --> 00:05:59,405 and revealing a family secret 163 00:05:59,645 --> 00:06:01,485 that no one ever knew about, yeah? 164 00:06:02,365 --> 00:06:05,005 This... is everybody's family, yeah? 165 00:06:05,285 --> 00:06:07,605 -[funky drums] -So your auntie's over here... 166 00:06:07,685 --> 00:06:09,205 [funk music] 167 00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:11,885 ...doing that same auntie dance that all aunties do. 168 00:06:12,525 --> 00:06:14,005 And you know your auntie, yeah? 169 00:06:14,085 --> 00:06:16,765 She thinks she's, like, a backing singer of a band, 170 00:06:16,845 --> 00:06:18,085 starts moving her shoulders. 171 00:06:18,725 --> 00:06:20,725 [laughter] 172 00:06:23,085 --> 00:06:24,485 [music gets funkier] 173 00:06:24,565 --> 00:06:26,525 You know when aunties are pissed off? 174 00:06:26,605 --> 00:06:29,525 They do that fake smile? You seen the fake auntie smile? 175 00:06:34,525 --> 00:06:38,205 But then they get weirdly bipolar and just insult you for no reason. 176 00:06:38,285 --> 00:06:40,285 [mouths words] 177 00:06:42,685 --> 00:06:44,405 Then over here you got kids at weddings. 178 00:06:44,485 --> 00:06:47,205 Now, you see kids nowadays, they can't dance, right? 179 00:06:47,285 --> 00:06:50,765 So kids will be on the dance floor clashing each other like this. 180 00:06:50,925 --> 00:06:52,925 [laughter] 181 00:06:54,125 --> 00:06:56,565 And they're so serious with this new dance, yeah? 182 00:06:56,885 --> 00:06:58,485 [laughter] 183 00:06:59,765 --> 00:07:02,045 Then over here, you've got your uncle, yeah? 184 00:07:02,205 --> 00:07:04,765 But he's your pervy uncle. He is so pervy, 185 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,725 if you blink, you'll miss it, right? 186 00:07:08,485 --> 00:07:10,045 [funky music continues] 187 00:07:12,845 --> 00:07:14,165 [mouthing words] 188 00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:20,005 [raucous laughter] 189 00:07:24,045 --> 00:07:25,605 [Mo laughs heartily] 190 00:07:26,325 --> 00:07:29,165 [laughing] "I'm only joking!... 191 00:07:30,405 --> 00:07:31,365 ...I'm not joking." 192 00:07:35,725 --> 00:07:37,725 Over here, you got dads. Remember dads? 193 00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:39,965 They do everything. Dads will dance with the little kids: 194 00:07:40,765 --> 00:07:42,525 "Fantastic, Abigail! 195 00:07:42,605 --> 00:07:45,805 Ha ha ha. Nah, you're the best dancer I've ever seen! 196 00:07:46,605 --> 00:07:49,885 Okay. [groaning] Oh, I'm coming down. Okay. 197 00:07:49,965 --> 00:07:51,925 D'you wanna go sit with your mummy now? 198 00:07:52,725 --> 00:07:54,565 No? You wanna keep dancing. 199 00:07:55,365 --> 00:07:58,325 -Ah, for fuck's sake." -[laughter] 200 00:07:58,885 --> 00:08:01,125 They'll drink a bit more, get involved with the band. 201 00:08:01,685 --> 00:08:03,205 "Fucking hell. 202 00:08:04,125 --> 00:08:05,605 I can fucking do this. 203 00:08:06,565 --> 00:08:08,925 Could have been in UB-fucking-40, mate. Here we go." 204 00:08:10,525 --> 00:08:12,365 [tuneless notes] 205 00:08:13,565 --> 00:08:14,525 [tuneless notes] 206 00:08:15,645 --> 00:08:16,605 [tuneless notes] 207 00:08:17,125 --> 00:08:17,965 "Fucking... 208 00:08:18,525 --> 00:08:19,445 Fucking twat." 209 00:08:19,845 --> 00:08:21,165 [laughter] 210 00:08:21,285 --> 00:08:23,965 Then they'll try and dance with their daughter. 211 00:08:26,245 --> 00:08:27,365 [mouthing words] 212 00:08:31,245 --> 00:08:32,085 [mouthing words] 213 00:08:33,565 --> 00:08:36,485 "What do you mean I'll embarrass you? I'm your fucking dad. 214 00:08:36,685 --> 00:08:37,645 Come and have a dance. 215 00:08:39,885 --> 00:08:43,085 You what? What do you mean-- Cut the fucking music. 216 00:08:45,445 --> 00:08:48,325 Cut the music off, or no one's fucking getting paid!" 217 00:08:48,405 --> 00:08:49,245 [music stops] 218 00:08:49,325 --> 00:08:52,805 "I said, come and have a dance with your fucking-- 219 00:08:52,885 --> 00:08:56,485 You what? What do you mean, I'm fucking spoiling the party, Debbie? 220 00:08:56,725 --> 00:08:58,725 I paid for this fucking party! 221 00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:02,685 If I wanna have a dance with my daughter, I'll dance with my-- you what?! 222 00:09:02,765 --> 00:09:05,045 You giving and all, Sharon? You know what? 223 00:09:05,125 --> 00:09:07,125 You can fuck off, you know that love? 224 00:09:07,525 --> 00:09:10,845 No! Every year: shit Christmas and your stupid haircut. 225 00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,845 What? "I'm drunk"? 226 00:09:12,925 --> 00:09:14,245 Don't you talk about drunk, Tony, 227 00:09:14,325 --> 00:09:16,605 you've been an alcoholic for fucking 40 years. 228 00:09:16,685 --> 00:09:19,085 Drunk? Oh, I'm spoiling the party am I? 229 00:09:19,165 --> 00:09:21,525 I'm spoiling the party? 230 00:09:21,605 --> 00:09:24,405 Your cousin's on the dance floor with his fucking knob out, 231 00:09:24,485 --> 00:09:26,805 but I'm spoiling the fucking party, am I, Tony? 232 00:09:27,005 --> 00:09:28,925 How about this for spoiling the party? 233 00:09:29,005 --> 00:09:31,925 She's not even my daughter, anyway. Fuck the lot of you." 234 00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:34,005 [laughter] 235 00:09:34,565 --> 00:09:36,565 "Here, Sharon, can I get that lift though, yeah? 236 00:09:36,645 --> 00:09:37,605 That lift still going?" 237 00:09:37,685 --> 00:09:39,805 -[audience laughs] -[Mo chuckles] 238 00:09:40,285 --> 00:09:42,285 You've been seeing all this unfold. 239 00:09:42,405 --> 00:09:44,365 [laughs] You're at the back, like: 240 00:09:44,445 --> 00:09:47,125 [slurps] "This family's fucked, bruv. Oh my god!" 241 00:09:47,205 --> 00:09:49,205 -[audience laughs] -[Mo laughs] 242 00:09:49,365 --> 00:09:51,485 My mum's the bubbly one, out of my parents. 243 00:09:51,565 --> 00:09:53,165 She's the fun one, the cool one. 244 00:09:53,325 --> 00:09:55,285 My dad, he's more serious, you know. 245 00:09:55,365 --> 00:09:57,005 My dad is a Rastafarian as well. 246 00:09:57,245 --> 00:09:59,605 You know, a proper [Jamaican accent] Rastaman as well. 247 00:09:59,685 --> 00:10:01,285 He's got the Rastaman walk. 248 00:10:01,565 --> 00:10:04,205 Rastafarians, they walk slow, you know? [laughs] 249 00:10:04,365 --> 00:10:06,685 You don't rush to Babylon, you take your time. 250 00:10:06,765 --> 00:10:08,525 [audience laughs] 251 00:10:08,605 --> 00:10:10,605 [Mo chuckles] 252 00:10:11,005 --> 00:10:13,525 No one in this room has seen a Rastafarian in a rush. 253 00:10:13,605 --> 00:10:14,605 You ain't never seen it. 254 00:10:14,685 --> 00:10:17,405 -"Babylon, Babylon, Babylon!" -[laughter] 255 00:10:17,485 --> 00:10:19,765 Haven't seen this, man. 256 00:10:21,165 --> 00:10:23,685 But my dad's cool, man. Takes it all in his stride. 257 00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:26,365 He'd be on Brixton High Street, back in the day, 258 00:10:26,445 --> 00:10:27,285 not new Brixton: 259 00:10:27,725 --> 00:10:28,725 quinoa and avocados. 260 00:10:28,805 --> 00:10:29,845 Old-school Brixton, 261 00:10:29,925 --> 00:10:32,605 yeah? He'd be on the High Street, his dreadlocks out. 262 00:10:32,685 --> 00:10:36,885 Even the way that my dad dressed, would be different. 263 00:10:36,965 --> 00:10:39,925 'Cause my dad would be wearing military gear, you know? 264 00:10:40,005 --> 00:10:42,925 -Just looking like Predator, for free. -[laughter] 265 00:10:43,125 --> 00:10:44,445 "The fuck you doing, Dad?" 266 00:10:44,925 --> 00:10:46,285 [Mo chuckles] 267 00:10:46,485 --> 00:10:48,885 My dad would be bopping, I'd be holding his hand, 268 00:10:48,965 --> 00:10:51,525 and he'd see one of his Rastafarian bredrins. 269 00:10:51,605 --> 00:10:54,085 And when Rastafarians see other Rastafarians, 270 00:10:54,165 --> 00:10:56,365 they have a greeting only Rastafarians say. 271 00:10:56,445 --> 00:10:57,365 My dad would be like: 272 00:10:57,885 --> 00:10:58,725 "Y'alright?... 273 00:10:58,845 --> 00:11:00,365 [audience laughs] 274 00:11:00,685 --> 00:11:01,525 ...Irie." 275 00:11:02,885 --> 00:11:04,525 Only Rastafarians can really say that. 276 00:11:04,605 --> 00:11:06,005 Not one of your random neighbors: 277 00:11:06,085 --> 00:11:08,085 "Morning, irie, Jah bless, have a great day." 278 00:11:08,245 --> 00:11:09,685 [audience laughs] 279 00:11:10,525 --> 00:11:13,605 Even how my dad would greet one of his female friends 280 00:11:13,685 --> 00:11:14,725 would be different. 281 00:11:14,805 --> 00:11:16,245 He'd be on the High Street, 282 00:11:16,325 --> 00:11:18,205 he'd see one of his female Rastafarian friends: 283 00:11:18,285 --> 00:11:19,165 "Y'alright, 284 00:11:20,085 --> 00:11:20,925 Empress?" 285 00:11:21,125 --> 00:11:22,045 [laughter] 286 00:11:22,605 --> 00:11:25,365 Look at some women in the crowd: "Empress, that's lovely, innit?! 287 00:11:26,565 --> 00:11:29,485 Fuck, Steve calls me 'slag' and I thought that was nice!" 288 00:11:30,245 --> 00:11:31,765 [Mo laughing] 289 00:11:32,245 --> 00:11:33,125 I understand. 290 00:11:33,205 --> 00:11:34,485 It's not easy raising kids. 291 00:11:34,565 --> 00:11:37,245 Sometimes it's easier putting an iPad in front of them and stuff, 292 00:11:37,325 --> 00:11:40,045 but some of these kids' programs don't even make any sense. 293 00:11:40,125 --> 00:11:42,965 They've got this one program, this one character's walked out of a tree. 294 00:11:43,045 --> 00:11:44,525 He walked out of a tree, and he's like: 295 00:11:44,645 --> 00:11:46,485 -"Bing- bing, bing-bing!" -[laughter] 296 00:11:46,565 --> 00:11:49,725 And the characters reply like they know what he's talking about: 297 00:11:49,845 --> 00:11:51,205 "Ming ming ming mung?" 298 00:11:51,365 --> 00:11:53,245 What's this program called again?! 299 00:11:53,445 --> 00:11:54,525 [woman] In the Night Garden. 300 00:11:54,605 --> 00:11:57,365 In the Night Garden... 301 00:11:57,445 --> 00:11:59,685 Who the fuck goes in the garden at night, for anything? 302 00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:03,405 I see some of you laughing as well, 303 00:12:03,485 --> 00:12:06,245 don't act like-- when you got your little children, and they're like: 304 00:12:06,325 --> 00:12:09,205 "Oh, daddy, can you read me the story? Read me the story." 305 00:12:09,365 --> 00:12:11,685 [deep voice] "Erm... Um... 306 00:12:12,005 --> 00:12:14,685 Erm... Um... [sucks teeth] 307 00:12:15,045 --> 00:12:17,645 So, Flow-- Fl-- Fl--" [sucks teeth] 308 00:12:17,765 --> 00:12:19,765 [raucous laughter] 309 00:12:21,165 --> 00:12:24,205 -"So, Flowertots... -[laughter] 310 00:12:24,565 --> 00:12:26,005 ...Said to the great man." 311 00:12:27,285 --> 00:12:29,285 [high voice] "What did he say, Dad? Do the voices!" 312 00:12:29,365 --> 00:12:30,325 [laughter] 313 00:12:36,165 --> 00:12:38,605 [silly voice] "Min-min-moong min-ming moong!" 314 00:12:38,685 --> 00:12:40,045 -[laughter] -[Mo laughs] 315 00:12:40,725 --> 00:12:43,285 [Mo laughs heartily] 316 00:12:43,605 --> 00:12:46,445 You get these roadguys: "Don't laugh, I don't care, bruv. 317 00:12:46,685 --> 00:12:49,285 I'll punch up your little nursery friends you know, fam?" 318 00:12:49,805 --> 00:12:50,885 [Mo laughs] 319 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:55,085 'Cause the thing is, you can laugh at these moments, yeah? 320 00:12:55,165 --> 00:12:58,085 There's nothing better than sharing nostalgia with friends, 321 00:12:58,165 --> 00:12:59,965 especially now as an adult, 322 00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:03,445 'cause at the time it wasn't all fun, like getting beats. It wasn't fun. 323 00:13:03,525 --> 00:13:06,365 But you can laugh at it now, reminisce. 324 00:13:06,445 --> 00:13:09,125 I remember the weird stage where my mum would beat me, 325 00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,405 and it didn't hurt anymore. 326 00:13:10,525 --> 00:13:12,405 So I had to pretend it still hurt, 327 00:13:12,605 --> 00:13:15,205 "Ouch! Ah! Uh-huh uh-huh..." 328 00:13:15,405 --> 00:13:17,725 [fake crying turns into laughter] 329 00:13:17,845 --> 00:13:19,845 -[laughing continues] -[audience laughs] 330 00:13:21,005 --> 00:13:23,965 "Get out of my room, man, with your fat ankles, man." 331 00:13:24,205 --> 00:13:27,405 -[Mo laughs] -[laughter] 332 00:13:28,685 --> 00:13:32,045 My mum got smart, though. Started upgrading. Started using weapons. 333 00:13:32,125 --> 00:13:32,965 What?! 334 00:13:33,645 --> 00:13:34,685 I'd get a belt. 335 00:13:34,765 --> 00:13:37,645 I thought everyone got the belt as their weapon of choice. 336 00:13:37,725 --> 00:13:38,565 I thought this. 337 00:13:38,645 --> 00:13:40,005 A friend said recently, 338 00:13:40,085 --> 00:13:42,805 "So, you didn't get the wire from the net curtain?" 339 00:13:42,885 --> 00:13:45,965 What?! The wire. From the net curtain. 340 00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:49,245 You know how much effort it is to take down a net curtain wire? 341 00:13:49,325 --> 00:13:51,605 You gotta take it out the little stupid hole, 342 00:13:51,685 --> 00:13:53,685 the other stupid hole, you try to pull it out, 343 00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:55,125 the hook's caught on the net. 344 00:13:55,205 --> 00:13:57,885 Whole neighborhood can see you getting beats as well. 345 00:13:57,965 --> 00:13:58,885 [laughter] 346 00:13:59,205 --> 00:14:01,565 Mum's doing the Insanity just to discipline you. 347 00:14:01,805 --> 00:14:02,725 [Mo chuckles] 348 00:14:04,045 --> 00:14:05,885 And that's the thing, 'cause when you grow up, 349 00:14:05,965 --> 00:14:07,925 I realize having a dad that was Rastafarian, 350 00:14:08,005 --> 00:14:10,685 things I thought was normal, wasn't normal. 351 00:14:10,885 --> 00:14:13,205 Like nursery rhymes, you guys take for granted. 352 00:14:13,325 --> 00:14:15,245 Not me, when your dad's a Rastafarian 353 00:14:15,485 --> 00:14:18,485 your nursery rhymes will sound a little bit like this... 354 00:14:18,565 --> 00:14:20,285 [band plays Caribbean style music] 355 00:14:20,845 --> 00:14:21,765 [Jamaican accent] Yo! 356 00:14:22,365 --> 00:14:25,565 Me gonna tell ya some Real Rastaman nursery rhymes. 357 00:14:25,645 --> 00:14:28,085 Right about now. It's bloodclaat, bloodclaat. 358 00:14:28,165 --> 00:14:29,645 Bloodclaat, bloodclaat. 359 00:14:29,725 --> 00:14:31,525 ♪ Jack and Jill Go up on de hill ♪ 360 00:14:31,605 --> 00:14:34,325 ♪ Yes! To fetch a bucketa some wa-ter ♪ 361 00:14:34,405 --> 00:14:36,845 ♪ He feed his daughter He feed his daughter ♪ 362 00:14:36,925 --> 00:14:38,485 ♪ Yes! Because she thirsty ♪ 363 00:14:38,565 --> 00:14:40,525 ♪ Now we say tree blind mice ♪ 364 00:14:40,605 --> 00:14:43,005 ♪ Tree blind mice Come on, look for de cheese ♪ 365 00:14:43,085 --> 00:14:44,805 ♪ But they can't find de slice Hey! ♪ 366 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:46,805 ♪ No cheese fi dem, fi dem, fi dem Hey! ♪ 367 00:14:46,885 --> 00:14:49,325 ♪ Because dey lactose in-tol-er-ant Now me say ♪ 368 00:14:49,405 --> 00:14:51,845 ♪ Old MacDonalds, 'Im have a farm ♪ 369 00:14:52,645 --> 00:14:54,405 ♪ It is a... ganja farm! ♪ 370 00:14:54,485 --> 00:14:56,845 ♪ Me say, ganja farm Me say, ganja farm ♪ 371 00:14:56,925 --> 00:14:59,205 ♪ Old MacDonald for de ganja farm ♪ 372 00:14:59,285 --> 00:15:02,965 [musical style changes] ♪ De wheels on de bus go round and round ♪ 373 00:15:03,045 --> 00:15:04,405 ♪ Wheels on de bus go-- Me say ♪ 374 00:15:04,485 --> 00:15:05,485 ♪ Old Miss Muffet ♪ 375 00:15:05,565 --> 00:15:07,965 ♪ Sat on de tuffet Old Miss Muffet ♪ 376 00:15:08,045 --> 00:15:09,045 ♪ She said "Fuck it" ♪ 377 00:15:09,165 --> 00:15:11,725 ♪ Me say, baa baa black sheep Baa baa black sheep ♪ 378 00:15:11,805 --> 00:15:14,285 ♪ Discrimination for dat Baa baa black sheep ♪ 379 00:15:14,365 --> 00:15:16,805 ♪ A Peppa Pig A black Peppa Pig ♪ 380 00:15:16,885 --> 00:15:19,245 ♪ You don't know me With a Peppa Pig, and me say ♪ 381 00:15:19,325 --> 00:15:20,485 ♪ Baby John! ♪ 382 00:15:20,565 --> 00:15:22,565 ♪ Baby John! Baby--♪ [starts laughing] 383 00:15:23,365 --> 00:15:24,485 [Mo laughs] 384 00:15:24,565 --> 00:15:26,765 [raucous laughter] 385 00:15:28,085 --> 00:15:29,645 [Mo laughs] 386 00:15:29,765 --> 00:15:31,165 [starts coughing] 387 00:15:31,605 --> 00:15:32,445 Ah shit! 388 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,325 [laughing and coughing] 389 00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:37,125 Did you see how low I went for Baby John? 390 00:15:37,205 --> 00:15:38,605 Did you see how low? 391 00:15:39,085 --> 00:15:41,085 [laughs hysterically] 392 00:15:41,765 --> 00:15:43,925 Ha! I thought I was Vybz Kartel, I was like, 393 00:15:44,005 --> 00:15:45,805 ♪ Baby John! Baby-- ♪ 394 00:15:48,445 --> 00:15:49,525 But you know what, yeah? 395 00:15:49,605 --> 00:15:51,285 I always have to praise my dad, 396 00:15:51,365 --> 00:15:53,805 because you see my dad, my dad was very much like-- 397 00:15:53,885 --> 00:15:56,405 'cause when I was in school, I was dyslexic, 398 00:15:56,485 --> 00:15:57,365 right. 399 00:15:58,245 --> 00:15:59,845 Wow, look how quiet it got, oh my gosh. 400 00:15:59,925 --> 00:16:00,765 [audience chuckles] 401 00:16:00,845 --> 00:16:02,845 Some of you are like: "Oh my god, he's dyslexic? 402 00:16:03,165 --> 00:16:04,005 Oh, gosh! 403 00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:05,565 He can't play Scrabble!" 404 00:16:06,045 --> 00:16:07,485 [laughter] 405 00:16:07,565 --> 00:16:08,725 Some of you guys there: 406 00:16:08,805 --> 00:16:12,085 "That explains the bad Instagram captions, I've seen it, he can't see it. 407 00:16:12,165 --> 00:16:13,965 It's not 'they.' It's 'theirrrrr.' 408 00:16:14,205 --> 00:16:16,205 -[laughter] -[Mo chuckles] 409 00:16:16,525 --> 00:16:19,045 -It's not 'your.' It's 'you'rrre.'" -[laughter] 410 00:16:19,325 --> 00:16:22,285 -The Grammar Police are here, boy. -[woman laughs loudly] 411 00:16:22,365 --> 00:16:24,725 Ready to put commas and full stops where needed. 412 00:16:25,525 --> 00:16:27,925 The beautiful thing about having a dad like that-- 413 00:16:28,045 --> 00:16:29,205 'Cause I was dyslexic. 414 00:16:29,645 --> 00:16:33,285 You know, but I think for me, I was always a bit of a class clown. 415 00:16:33,445 --> 00:16:35,965 I got on with everyone. I got on with the really smart kids. 416 00:16:36,085 --> 00:16:39,205 And the school bullies as well. Remember the school bully? 417 00:16:39,685 --> 00:16:40,885 Yeah? Remember that guy? 418 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:43,125 Strongest guy in your year group. 419 00:16:43,565 --> 00:16:45,565 What? No one could mess with this guy. 420 00:16:45,765 --> 00:16:47,725 Remember when he got his comeuppance? 421 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,445 You'd be in English lesson, 422 00:16:49,565 --> 00:16:51,245 the teacher would say: [high voice] "Oh, 423 00:16:51,405 --> 00:16:53,085 if you could read the next paragraph." 424 00:16:53,165 --> 00:16:54,565 [laughter] 425 00:16:55,005 --> 00:16:57,845 [laughter] 426 00:17:03,925 --> 00:17:05,925 "T t t ta-he? T... 427 00:17:06,005 --> 00:17:06,885 [laughter] 428 00:17:07,005 --> 00:17:08,965 T-t-t-t-t-ee... 429 00:17:09,045 --> 00:17:10,325 T-ee. 430 00:17:10,845 --> 00:17:12,845 Ta-ta... [sucks teeth] 431 00:17:13,605 --> 00:17:16,445 Shut up, bro. Bang on your face, bro. You mad, bruv? 432 00:17:16,605 --> 00:17:17,605 Are you mad, bruv?" 433 00:17:18,005 --> 00:17:19,165 [laughter] 434 00:17:20,085 --> 00:17:22,085 "Tee-- Tee tee--" 435 00:17:22,165 --> 00:17:24,165 Remember someone in class who'd had enough? 436 00:17:24,245 --> 00:17:26,445 They just had enough. They just wanted to learn. 437 00:17:26,525 --> 00:17:28,485 Remember that one kid, that was like: 438 00:17:28,565 --> 00:17:29,405 [shouting] "Bruv! 439 00:17:29,685 --> 00:17:31,165 The word is 'the'! 440 00:17:31,805 --> 00:17:33,405 Not 't-hee,' bruv!" 441 00:17:34,365 --> 00:17:36,245 This guy can now not believe 442 00:17:36,325 --> 00:17:38,965 someone has had the courage to disrespect him. 443 00:17:39,045 --> 00:17:40,005 He can't believe it. 444 00:17:40,085 --> 00:17:41,845 He'd even announce he's getting mad. 445 00:17:41,925 --> 00:17:44,205 "I'm not gonna lie, I'm getting mad now, bruv. 446 00:17:44,725 --> 00:17:47,805 Getting mad, bruv. Gonna start banging everyone in their face. 447 00:17:47,885 --> 00:17:50,965 Are you mad, bruv? I'll kill everyone in this school tonight, bruv." 448 00:17:51,405 --> 00:17:54,765 You're gonna kill everyone in this school? Even the caretaker? What did he do? 449 00:17:54,845 --> 00:17:56,365 He didn't do anything, bruv! 450 00:17:56,925 --> 00:17:59,725 "Nah, I'm getting mad, bruv. I'll bang on your face." 451 00:17:59,805 --> 00:18:01,725 There was always a girl in everyone's class, 452 00:18:01,805 --> 00:18:03,245 she wasn't scared of no one. 453 00:18:03,325 --> 00:18:04,845 She had all the brothers, as well. 454 00:18:04,925 --> 00:18:07,685 Man, like, 'Younger GBH,' she wasn't scared of no one! 455 00:18:08,285 --> 00:18:10,165 She'd just say it to him, she'd be like: 456 00:18:10,245 --> 00:18:12,645 "But why you crying for, though? 457 00:18:13,125 --> 00:18:15,045 -You big baby!" -[laughter] 458 00:18:15,605 --> 00:18:17,045 This guy can now not believe 459 00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:19,245 two people has just disrespected him. 460 00:18:19,485 --> 00:18:21,445 He can't. And you know he's gonna get mad. 461 00:18:21,525 --> 00:18:24,325 Remember when he'd flip a table? Floop! That's it-- 462 00:18:24,405 --> 00:18:27,205 You're like, shit, it's kicking off. He's flipped the table. 463 00:18:27,285 --> 00:18:30,165 "I'm getting mad, bruv." People try and calm him down: 464 00:18:30,245 --> 00:18:31,205 "Bruv, why you vexed?" 465 00:18:31,285 --> 00:18:33,645 -"I'm getting mad. Shut up, bruv." -"Relax. Calm down." 466 00:18:34,125 --> 00:18:37,085 Now, there's always kids, right, with behavioral problems, 467 00:18:37,165 --> 00:18:38,005 that's not funny. 468 00:18:38,085 --> 00:18:40,205 But this particular little kid was just a little shit. 469 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,445 That's all he was, yeah? Getting mad for no reason. 470 00:18:42,525 --> 00:18:44,685 -"Nah, I'm getting vexed." -"Why you getting so mad?" 471 00:18:44,765 --> 00:18:45,805 "Why you getting so mad?" 472 00:18:45,885 --> 00:18:48,805 "My auntie died seven years ago and I'm still mad about it. 473 00:18:48,885 --> 00:18:50,885 My favorite auntie. Are you a wreck, cuz? 474 00:18:50,965 --> 00:18:52,205 Patrice! Are you mad, cuz?" 475 00:18:52,285 --> 00:18:53,405 [laughter] 476 00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:57,245 Now, he had a rule, right. He would fight guys. 477 00:18:57,445 --> 00:18:59,365 But he wouldn't fight girls, know what he'd do? 478 00:18:59,525 --> 00:19:01,525 -He'd throw a chair at them. -[laughter] 479 00:19:01,605 --> 00:19:03,125 He'd throw a chair, he don't care. 480 00:19:03,245 --> 00:19:05,445 You all remember that kid looking for his favorite chair. 481 00:19:05,525 --> 00:19:06,765 "You mad?" Looking for his chair, 482 00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:09,805 he'd have his ride-or-die boy who'd try and calm him down. 483 00:19:09,885 --> 00:19:11,765 Shorter than him, and his name's, like, Mustafa. 484 00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:13,965 Or something like that. Mustafa would be like: 485 00:19:14,045 --> 00:19:16,805 [nasal voice] "Nah, bruv, allow it, man. Allow da fighting ting, bruv. 486 00:19:17,205 --> 00:19:19,045 Nah seriously, allow all that, man!" 487 00:19:19,445 --> 00:19:22,405 Mustafa's so small he's like: "Nah, allow it, man! 488 00:19:22,765 --> 00:19:24,325 Allow it, man! Listen to me, bruv! 489 00:19:24,405 --> 00:19:26,605 You gotta listen to what I'm sayin', bruv. 490 00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:29,325 'Cause you're gonna get detentions, bruv!" 491 00:19:29,565 --> 00:19:30,965 Man, people are laughing-- 492 00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:33,405 "Why you laugh-- Why you lot laughing at my guy? 493 00:19:33,565 --> 00:19:35,165 Don't laugh at my guy, you know. 494 00:19:35,245 --> 00:19:37,125 Nah, don't laugh! Bruv, 495 00:19:37,205 --> 00:19:38,405 relax, calm down, bruv." 496 00:19:38,805 --> 00:19:40,965 Little, smart Peter, 497 00:19:41,045 --> 00:19:43,565 who never gets involved in the banter, he's like: 498 00:19:43,645 --> 00:19:45,845 [panting rapidly] 499 00:19:45,965 --> 00:19:48,965 "Peter, why you laugh at my guy? I'll stab you in the eye with a protractor, 500 00:19:49,045 --> 00:19:50,205 don't laugh at my guy." 501 00:19:50,445 --> 00:19:52,765 He's getting mad, he finds his favorite chair. 502 00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:55,685 He's just about to throw the chair at her. 503 00:19:55,805 --> 00:19:58,525 But... you know the person who'd come and save the day? 504 00:19:58,645 --> 00:19:59,485 Yeah? 505 00:19:59,565 --> 00:20:02,405 Sometimes, in his lesson he'd sit with his helper. Yeah? 506 00:20:02,525 --> 00:20:03,485 [laughter] 507 00:20:03,565 --> 00:20:04,525 Her name was Pippa. 508 00:20:04,765 --> 00:20:06,245 Yeah, she was like this big, 509 00:20:06,405 --> 00:20:09,445 she'd put her life, on the line, for danger. 510 00:20:09,765 --> 00:20:12,725 She'd put her life on the line, she'd run in, she'd be like: 511 00:20:12,805 --> 00:20:13,885 "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! 512 00:20:14,445 --> 00:20:17,085 -[posh voice] No! No! Nooooooo! -[laughter] 513 00:20:17,285 --> 00:20:18,125 Nooo! 514 00:20:19,045 --> 00:20:19,925 Nooo! 515 00:20:21,325 --> 00:20:22,605 -Noooo!" -[laughter] 516 00:20:23,165 --> 00:20:24,685 "Put the chair down. 517 00:20:25,205 --> 00:20:26,845 No! Put it down. 518 00:20:27,445 --> 00:20:29,125 Come on, hold my hand! 519 00:20:29,685 --> 00:20:32,085 Come on, it's okay. It's alright. 520 00:20:32,285 --> 00:20:34,445 Come on, you can come in my office. Come on. 521 00:20:35,165 --> 00:20:38,085 Come on, you can go on the computer. You like the computer. 522 00:20:38,845 --> 00:20:41,445 [chuckling] You can go on Paint! Do you like Paint?" 523 00:20:42,005 --> 00:20:45,085 What?! Do you remember how sick Paint was? Oh my gosh! 524 00:20:45,165 --> 00:20:46,005 [laughter] 525 00:20:46,125 --> 00:20:49,805 "Man is doing a green spray can, are you alright, cuz?" 526 00:20:50,045 --> 00:20:53,885 -[laughter] -[Mo chuckles] 527 00:20:54,885 --> 00:20:57,925 "Man's gonna print that in color, are you alright, cuz? 528 00:20:58,565 --> 00:21:00,085 That's my tag there, you know? 529 00:21:00,645 --> 00:21:01,645 'Younger Iceman.'" 530 00:21:02,125 --> 00:21:03,565 What?! 531 00:21:04,445 --> 00:21:05,485 [Mo laughs] 532 00:21:06,405 --> 00:21:08,045 One of the kids I sat next to 533 00:21:08,125 --> 00:21:10,445 was this guy called Masood, and I loved Masood, 534 00:21:10,525 --> 00:21:13,605 'cause he was one of the smartest kids in our whole school. 535 00:21:13,765 --> 00:21:16,085 Yeah, really smart guy. Masood never lost it. 536 00:21:16,405 --> 00:21:18,365 He never lost his temper. Only once, 537 00:21:18,525 --> 00:21:19,485 he lost his temper. 538 00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:22,325 When someone cussed him. Not even that, they cussed his mum. 539 00:21:22,405 --> 00:21:23,445 What? You had to-- 540 00:21:23,525 --> 00:21:25,245 Kids didn't care, they'd come up to you, 541 00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:28,285 wouldn't say anything about you, they'd be like: "Your mum!" 542 00:21:28,685 --> 00:21:30,205 That's it! "Your mum!" 543 00:21:31,005 --> 00:21:32,845 Remember the one kid who'd hype it up? 544 00:21:32,925 --> 00:21:34,325 "Oooh! 545 00:21:34,405 --> 00:21:35,565 Myyy! 546 00:21:35,645 --> 00:21:37,485 Daaaaays! 547 00:21:37,605 --> 00:21:40,245 Nah! Man cussed your mum, you know?! 548 00:21:40,685 --> 00:21:41,605 Nah! 549 00:21:41,685 --> 00:21:45,725 Bruv, are you gonna have that, bruv, on a Wednesday?! Nah! 550 00:21:46,085 --> 00:21:49,285 Bruv, your mum had a cesarian for this disrespect? 551 00:21:49,845 --> 00:21:51,165 Nah, bruv. If that was me, 552 00:21:51,725 --> 00:21:53,325 I would fight, man, you know?" 553 00:21:53,885 --> 00:21:56,725 You had to be ready! And Masood wasn't ready for this. 554 00:21:56,805 --> 00:21:59,005 The thing with Masood is, he couldn't cuss. 555 00:21:59,085 --> 00:22:02,085 I'd never seen Masood lose his temper, only once, he lost it. 556 00:22:02,165 --> 00:22:05,205 You know? He switched into Asian roadman-mode so quick. 557 00:22:05,605 --> 00:22:07,885 Masood used to do this thing. When he got mad, 558 00:22:08,005 --> 00:22:09,805 he'd do this thing with his hands. 559 00:22:09,885 --> 00:22:12,725 Someone cussed his mum, Masood's like: "Huh? What?" 560 00:22:14,805 --> 00:22:16,805 [laughter] 561 00:22:20,605 --> 00:22:22,405 [Asian accent] "What you say to me?" 562 00:22:22,485 --> 00:22:23,365 [laughter] 563 00:22:24,285 --> 00:22:26,005 "So, you're cussing my mum, yeah?" 564 00:22:26,085 --> 00:22:27,405 [laughter] 565 00:22:27,725 --> 00:22:29,005 "Listen, John, yeah? 566 00:22:30,325 --> 00:22:32,005 When I see your dad, yeah? 567 00:22:33,445 --> 00:22:35,485 I'm going to suck his dick, innit!" 568 00:22:35,765 --> 00:22:37,165 [laughter] 569 00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:40,925 Don't make no sense, does it? 570 00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,005 You'd have to intervene in a cuss: 571 00:22:43,085 --> 00:22:45,685 "Big man, that don't make no sense. Makes no sense. 572 00:22:45,765 --> 00:22:48,285 That's what you wanna do, but come back bigger than that." 573 00:22:48,365 --> 00:22:49,885 [laughter] 574 00:22:50,285 --> 00:22:53,445 'Cause Masood was super smart, yeah? I always sat next to him. 575 00:22:53,525 --> 00:22:55,005 The thing is, when you're dyslexic, 576 00:22:55,085 --> 00:22:57,725 like, for me, it wasn't that I couldn't read or write, 577 00:22:57,805 --> 00:22:58,765 it was my concentration. 578 00:22:58,845 --> 00:23:00,925 My concentration affected my education. 579 00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:02,925 So, let's say, you're Masood, we're just talking. 580 00:23:03,005 --> 00:23:04,965 We're not being disruptive, yeah? 581 00:23:05,045 --> 00:23:06,885 Just talking. But everyone remembers 582 00:23:07,165 --> 00:23:09,085 this particular type of teacher. 583 00:23:09,165 --> 00:23:11,845 Where she'd see us talking and make a big deal out of it: 584 00:23:11,925 --> 00:23:12,765 "Ah! 585 00:23:13,085 --> 00:23:13,925 Ah! 586 00:23:14,285 --> 00:23:15,125 Wah! 587 00:23:15,605 --> 00:23:16,445 Waah! 588 00:23:16,885 --> 00:23:20,365 We've got a conversation over there, children! 589 00:23:20,685 --> 00:23:23,005 Yes! We've got a conversation over there. 590 00:23:23,085 --> 00:23:24,605 No, no, no! Stand up." 591 00:23:25,525 --> 00:23:27,245 Remember the classic line? 592 00:23:27,325 --> 00:23:30,325 "Nah, but Miss, I'm not even doing anything." 593 00:23:30,405 --> 00:23:32,605 [shouts] "That's right! You're doing nothing!" 594 00:23:32,685 --> 00:23:33,525 [laughter] 595 00:23:33,605 --> 00:23:34,965 "Now, stand up, I said!" 596 00:23:36,045 --> 00:23:38,165 Remember someone would try to help you out? 597 00:23:38,245 --> 00:23:41,165 Remember that one person would try and defend you? 598 00:23:41,285 --> 00:23:43,485 "Nah, Miss, he wasn't even talking, I swear. 599 00:23:43,605 --> 00:23:46,485 I'm sat next to him, he didn't say nuthin, he was doing his work, Miss. 600 00:23:46,565 --> 00:23:48,605 I feel you're being prejudiced 'cause he's black. 601 00:23:48,685 --> 00:23:49,685 He didn't say nuthin." 602 00:23:50,245 --> 00:23:52,645 Remember the day your teacher just lost it? 603 00:23:52,725 --> 00:23:55,045 Remember the day, your teacher just had enough 604 00:23:55,165 --> 00:23:56,405 and just lost her stuff. 605 00:23:56,645 --> 00:23:58,445 Remember she'd start loading up? 606 00:23:58,525 --> 00:23:59,685 [voice shaking] "What?" 607 00:23:59,845 --> 00:24:00,965 [laughter] 608 00:24:01,445 --> 00:24:02,325 "What?" 609 00:24:02,445 --> 00:24:03,565 [laughter] 610 00:24:03,885 --> 00:24:04,725 "What?" 611 00:24:04,845 --> 00:24:05,925 [laughter] 612 00:24:07,005 --> 00:24:08,205 "You can fuck off!" 613 00:24:11,165 --> 00:24:12,405 Remember teachers losing it? 614 00:24:12,485 --> 00:24:14,005 "Everyone's talking!" 615 00:24:14,205 --> 00:24:15,325 [laughter] 616 00:24:16,005 --> 00:24:17,805 "No one's listening!" 617 00:24:19,245 --> 00:24:21,965 And teacher's favorite line, teachers love saying this: 618 00:24:22,365 --> 00:24:25,805 -"For crying out loud, children!" -[laughter] 619 00:24:26,605 --> 00:24:27,485 "Now, you! 620 00:24:28,605 --> 00:24:29,445 You fuck! 621 00:24:31,205 --> 00:24:32,125 As you like to talk, 622 00:24:32,685 --> 00:24:37,005 you can tell everybody in the class, what osmosis is. 623 00:24:37,165 --> 00:24:39,685 No. Talk! Yes, because you like to talk!" 624 00:24:40,645 --> 00:24:42,485 So, I was like: "Osmosis... 625 00:24:42,965 --> 00:24:44,605 Osmosis, osmosis... 626 00:24:45,565 --> 00:24:46,405 Osmosis... 627 00:24:48,525 --> 00:24:51,245 Well... osmosis is actually the process 628 00:24:51,325 --> 00:24:52,725 where a high concentration 629 00:24:53,005 --> 00:24:54,525 goes into a low concentration. 630 00:24:54,765 --> 00:24:56,685 Like if you put potatoes in water, 631 00:24:56,805 --> 00:24:59,245 they expand with weight and density." 632 00:24:59,325 --> 00:25:00,205 [sighs] 633 00:25:00,405 --> 00:25:01,645 Anyway, as I was saying, 634 00:25:01,725 --> 00:25:02,885 basically, like... 635 00:25:04,205 --> 00:25:06,885 This teacher lost her mind. 636 00:25:07,965 --> 00:25:09,245 Started shaking. 637 00:25:09,365 --> 00:25:10,365 "How dare you?! 638 00:25:11,925 --> 00:25:13,285 How dare you?! 639 00:25:13,885 --> 00:25:15,565 In my lesson!" 640 00:25:15,645 --> 00:25:18,365 They'd always say middle-class words you didn't understand. 641 00:25:18,445 --> 00:25:21,325 "How dare you?! On the day of the Sabbath?!" 642 00:25:21,525 --> 00:25:22,605 "The Sabb-- 643 00:25:23,165 --> 00:25:24,005 Sabbath? 644 00:25:24,965 --> 00:25:27,845 It's Orange Wednesday. What's a Sabbath? How do I get it?" 645 00:25:27,965 --> 00:25:29,805 "Do you know what? You can get out. 646 00:25:29,885 --> 00:25:31,085 You can get out." 647 00:25:31,165 --> 00:25:32,685 So, I walk towards the door, 648 00:25:33,005 --> 00:25:34,765 on my way out, spudding the mandem, 649 00:25:34,925 --> 00:25:36,525 -like that. -[laughter] 650 00:25:36,605 --> 00:25:38,685 I thought, you know what? I've had enough. 651 00:25:38,765 --> 00:25:40,925 I've had enough of being treated like this. 652 00:25:41,005 --> 00:25:44,085 You know, feeling oppressed. 'Cause right now, I'm in Year 11. 653 00:25:44,165 --> 00:25:47,925 Soon, I'm gonna leave. I'll be in college, making some real money, you know? 654 00:25:48,045 --> 00:25:50,085 You know? Making some EMA. 655 00:25:52,085 --> 00:25:53,445 I said, "Y'know what, Miss? 656 00:25:54,085 --> 00:25:55,405 I'd actually be listening, 657 00:25:56,205 --> 00:25:57,125 if you was doing 658 00:25:57,605 --> 00:25:58,445 your job... 659 00:25:58,845 --> 00:25:59,725 [laughter] 660 00:26:00,125 --> 00:26:01,605 ...which should be teaching." 661 00:26:03,085 --> 00:26:06,885 The whole class simultaneously went: 662 00:26:07,725 --> 00:26:10,285 "Ooooooooooooh! 663 00:26:10,365 --> 00:26:11,205 My! 664 00:26:11,285 --> 00:26:13,165 Daaaaaays!" 665 00:26:13,645 --> 00:26:16,285 Listen, I walked out of that lesson, yeah, 666 00:26:16,365 --> 00:26:19,165 like I was in slow motion. 667 00:26:19,645 --> 00:26:21,645 [80s music starts] 668 00:26:49,605 --> 00:26:50,445 [mouthing] 669 00:27:17,405 --> 00:27:18,685 -[music stops] -[Mo laughs] 670 00:27:18,765 --> 00:27:19,965 [cheering] 671 00:27:20,685 --> 00:27:23,645 [Mo laughs] 672 00:27:24,325 --> 00:27:27,685 [laughs] I was at the age, my mum would just ground me for anything. 673 00:27:28,045 --> 00:27:31,005 Just anything. Sometimes, she'd just get home pissed off. 674 00:27:31,245 --> 00:27:32,205 "Ay ay ay ay... 675 00:27:32,765 --> 00:27:35,245 Grounded!" No reason, no explanation. 676 00:27:35,325 --> 00:27:37,645 I remember hearing 'grounded' and just being stressed. 677 00:27:37,725 --> 00:27:39,645 "Oh my gosh, Mum! 678 00:27:39,925 --> 00:27:41,645 Oh my gosh, man!" 679 00:27:42,205 --> 00:27:43,965 Remember that small rage you'd get? 680 00:27:44,245 --> 00:27:45,605 "Fuc-- no, man! 681 00:27:45,685 --> 00:27:46,565 Oh my gosh, Mum!" 682 00:27:46,645 --> 00:27:49,925 Remember trying to explain to her, and she just wasn't having it? 683 00:27:50,045 --> 00:27:52,485 "Oh my gosh, Mum. No, what I'm saying is, yeah-- 684 00:27:52,565 --> 00:27:56,125 No, I'm not shouting at you, I'm just trying to say what I'm saying. 685 00:27:56,245 --> 00:27:57,525 Oh my gosh, no, Mum, plea--" 686 00:27:57,645 --> 00:27:59,965 [sighing] I had to remix all my swear words. 687 00:28:00,285 --> 00:28:02,485 "Ah, ship, man!" 688 00:28:02,685 --> 00:28:04,245 [laughter] 689 00:28:04,725 --> 00:28:06,085 "Bucking hell, man! 690 00:28:06,765 --> 00:28:09,605 I said 'Bucking hell,' like Buckingham Palace but it's in hell-- 691 00:28:09,685 --> 00:28:11,525 Oh my god-- Mum, I'm not swearing! 692 00:28:11,685 --> 00:28:13,005 Ah, whatever, man! 693 00:28:13,325 --> 00:28:15,325 [laughter] 694 00:28:15,925 --> 00:28:17,805 This finger doesn't even mean anything, Mum. 695 00:28:17,925 --> 00:28:20,365 I'm praying to Jesus. That's where he lives, in heaven-- 696 00:28:20,565 --> 00:28:22,765 Oh my gosh." [panting] 697 00:28:22,925 --> 00:28:25,605 Remember that cry, when your soul wanted to come out, 698 00:28:25,805 --> 00:28:27,565 but your body said no. Remember that cry? 699 00:28:27,645 --> 00:28:30,405 -[sobbing and panting] -[laughter] 700 00:28:31,285 --> 00:28:33,925 Does anyone remember talking in 'cry'? Remember that? 701 00:28:34,125 --> 00:28:34,965 "I f-- I f-fucking 702 00:28:35,045 --> 00:28:36,165 ha-hate... this fu--" 703 00:28:36,245 --> 00:28:37,325 -[panting] -[laughter] 704 00:28:37,405 --> 00:28:40,245 "I f-fucking..." [sobbing and panting] 705 00:28:40,325 --> 00:28:43,005 Remember saying twisted stuff about your family? 706 00:28:43,085 --> 00:28:45,965 "I h-hope Satan takes my mum tomorrow. 707 00:28:46,045 --> 00:28:47,325 [sobbing] 708 00:28:47,405 --> 00:28:49,925 "And the demons can take my family away!" 709 00:28:50,485 --> 00:28:52,165 [hysterical] "I'm gonna run away one day!" 710 00:28:52,725 --> 00:28:54,725 [crying hysterically] 711 00:28:54,965 --> 00:28:58,325 "Why do they do this to me?!" [laughs] 712 00:28:58,565 --> 00:29:00,085 [Mo laughs] 713 00:29:00,605 --> 00:29:03,165 You know how dumb I was growing up, yeah? [chuckles] 714 00:29:03,245 --> 00:29:05,565 We lived in a ground floor flat, yeah? 715 00:29:05,685 --> 00:29:09,365 Once, I stood in the window, like. [cry-panting] 716 00:29:09,645 --> 00:29:11,845 -[audience laughs] -"I'm gonna jump." 717 00:29:11,925 --> 00:29:16,045 [Mo laughs] 718 00:29:16,485 --> 00:29:19,125 The coroner would have been like, "How did he die?" 719 00:29:19,365 --> 00:29:21,845 -"Hay fever." -[laughter] 720 00:29:21,925 --> 00:29:23,285 "First case ever." 721 00:29:24,325 --> 00:29:25,605 You know as a kid, right? 722 00:29:25,805 --> 00:29:28,005 All you lived for, was playing out. 723 00:29:28,085 --> 00:29:30,565 That's all you wanted to do, is go and play out. 724 00:29:30,805 --> 00:29:34,325 The thing is, I understand now you can't just let kids play out, 725 00:29:34,405 --> 00:29:36,765 'cause you got things like pedophiles and stuff. 726 00:29:36,845 --> 00:29:39,365 Back then, there weren't really pedophiles though. 727 00:29:39,445 --> 00:29:41,645 There was just a weird guy in everyone's area. 728 00:29:41,725 --> 00:29:42,565 Yeah? 729 00:29:42,645 --> 00:29:44,125 Doing weird things for no reason. 730 00:29:44,205 --> 00:29:46,565 Put his dick in a letterbox at Halloween, for no reason. 731 00:29:48,805 --> 00:29:51,205 There was always a weird guy, Weird William. Remember him? 732 00:29:51,285 --> 00:29:54,925 He'll go and touch it, start chasing people around the estate. 733 00:29:55,005 --> 00:29:58,365 "Hey, man, move with your dick fingers, bruv! 734 00:29:58,605 --> 00:30:00,725 I'll bang you in the face." [laughs] 735 00:30:01,205 --> 00:30:02,925 All you lived for was playing out. 736 00:30:03,005 --> 00:30:05,605 And you were smart, too, you'd say to a friend, 737 00:30:05,725 --> 00:30:07,565 one of my best friends growing up was Adam, 738 00:30:07,645 --> 00:30:09,285 I'd say, "Adam? Hey, listen, Adam, yeah? 739 00:30:10,205 --> 00:30:12,405 [quietly] I'm gonna quickly go inside, yeah? 740 00:30:13,125 --> 00:30:14,485 Look after my bike, yeah? 741 00:30:15,165 --> 00:30:16,645 No, I'm coming back, yeah? 742 00:30:17,005 --> 00:30:18,925 What? Yeah, I'll get you an ice-pole." 743 00:30:19,125 --> 00:30:22,085 'Cause you knew the trick was, you'd leave something, right? 744 00:30:22,205 --> 00:30:24,325 Because if you went back in for any reason, 745 00:30:24,525 --> 00:30:26,165 you'd get captured. Yeah? 746 00:30:26,525 --> 00:30:27,445 And your mum would say, 747 00:30:27,525 --> 00:30:29,445 "No, you're in now. 748 00:30:30,005 --> 00:30:31,645 It's not in and out, in and out. 749 00:30:32,245 --> 00:30:33,605 It's not a hotel!" 750 00:30:34,085 --> 00:30:35,765 [laughter] 751 00:30:36,445 --> 00:30:38,365 So you'd have to leave something, right? 752 00:30:38,445 --> 00:30:40,245 So you go into your house, right? 753 00:30:40,445 --> 00:30:42,005 You put the latch on your door. 754 00:30:42,165 --> 00:30:43,365 Be like, "Okay, cool." 755 00:30:43,445 --> 00:30:46,685 Then you go into your kitchen, go straight to the fridge-freezer. 756 00:30:46,765 --> 00:30:49,325 Now, the plan is to get two ice-poles, 757 00:30:49,405 --> 00:30:51,885 I've opened the freezer, the ice-poles are there. 758 00:30:51,965 --> 00:30:54,205 I'm like, "Fuck that, I'm taking nine ice-poles." 759 00:30:54,285 --> 00:30:56,685 Take nine ice-poles. Then you think, "Oh my gosh, 760 00:30:56,765 --> 00:30:58,685 Haven't been caught. I need one more thing 761 00:30:58,765 --> 00:31:00,645 for my refreshment robbery package. 762 00:31:00,725 --> 00:31:03,125 Ah, that's what I need: a sandwich." 763 00:31:03,205 --> 00:31:05,885 Guys, I'm talking the old-school sandwich: 764 00:31:06,165 --> 00:31:08,525 one slice of bread, butter, jam, and fold. 765 00:31:08,605 --> 00:31:10,445 -Remember that sandwich? -[laughter] 766 00:31:10,765 --> 00:31:13,125 Didn't have time to start cutting ham and cheese 767 00:31:13,325 --> 00:31:14,285 and shit like that. 768 00:31:14,685 --> 00:31:16,725 You didn't even put it in clingfilm! 769 00:31:16,805 --> 00:31:20,085 You put it straight in your pocket, you didn't care, bruv! 770 00:31:21,605 --> 00:31:23,965 Then you think, "Ah, I should go. I'm not to-- 771 00:31:24,045 --> 00:31:26,925 But I need one more thing to complete this package. 772 00:31:27,005 --> 00:31:28,285 Ah! What do I need? 773 00:31:28,405 --> 00:31:29,805 I need crisps, yeah?" 774 00:31:30,045 --> 00:31:31,925 You didn't say them articulately like that, 775 00:31:32,045 --> 00:31:33,165 you called 'em 'crips,' yeah? 776 00:31:33,245 --> 00:31:34,325 [laughter] 777 00:31:34,645 --> 00:31:37,525 You go in the cupboard-- thing is, crisps make a lot of noise. 778 00:31:37,605 --> 00:31:39,485 But you can't just take any flavor and go, 779 00:31:39,565 --> 00:31:43,005 you gotta find your flavors, you know? You're in there, looking for your flavors, 780 00:31:43,085 --> 00:31:45,765 the 24 multi-pack of crisps, yeah? 781 00:31:46,085 --> 00:31:48,085 Brrrrrrrrrrrr! 782 00:31:48,765 --> 00:31:49,605 Ready Salted? 783 00:31:49,845 --> 00:31:51,925 I'm not a pedophile, who the fuck eats those? 784 00:31:52,005 --> 00:31:53,325 -[laughter] -Brrrrrrrrrrr! 785 00:31:53,845 --> 00:31:55,005 And there they are... 786 00:31:55,565 --> 00:31:57,845 -Prawn Cocktail. -[cheers and applause] 787 00:31:59,285 --> 00:32:01,125 Now, it's time to go. 788 00:32:01,405 --> 00:32:02,485 You're excited. 789 00:32:02,565 --> 00:32:05,285 You're doing little dances on the lino in your kitchen, 790 00:32:05,645 --> 00:32:07,005 -Ahhh! -[laughter] 791 00:32:07,245 --> 00:32:09,205 "Oh my days!" Ooo, you're excited. 792 00:32:09,285 --> 00:32:11,805 But as this robbery was taking place, 793 00:32:12,045 --> 00:32:13,005 your mum, 794 00:32:13,165 --> 00:32:15,925 was at the door, watching you the whole time. 795 00:32:16,405 --> 00:32:18,565 Unannounced. Just looking at you, laughing. 796 00:32:20,725 --> 00:32:21,565 You're excited. 797 00:32:21,645 --> 00:32:24,765 You've got your robbery refreshment package. "Ahh!" 798 00:32:24,845 --> 00:32:26,285 [pants excitedly] 799 00:32:26,565 --> 00:32:28,005 [breathing deeply] 800 00:32:28,645 --> 00:32:29,565 [breathing deeply] 801 00:32:30,125 --> 00:32:33,605 Now, when kids are caught in the act, they do this weird thing, right. 802 00:32:33,685 --> 00:32:36,005 Where they play with one of their hands, right 803 00:32:36,165 --> 00:32:37,805 They blink really heavy, right? 804 00:32:38,605 --> 00:32:41,365 They can't answer questions, they just mumble. 'Cause, you know mums, 805 00:32:41,445 --> 00:32:42,845 mums are smooth with it. 806 00:32:42,965 --> 00:32:44,885 'Cause mums have seen the crime, yeah? 807 00:32:44,965 --> 00:32:46,805 They just want the confession, yeah? 808 00:32:47,125 --> 00:32:48,005 Mums will be like, 809 00:32:48,085 --> 00:32:48,925 "What 810 00:32:49,045 --> 00:32:50,205 are you doing?!" 811 00:32:51,565 --> 00:32:52,485 "Um... 812 00:32:53,405 --> 00:32:54,325 Um... 813 00:32:54,965 --> 00:32:56,005 -Erm..." -[laughter] 814 00:32:56,365 --> 00:32:58,525 Ever see when kids answer the question back? 815 00:32:58,605 --> 00:33:01,085 "Um, w-what was I doing? Um." 816 00:33:01,205 --> 00:33:02,725 [laughter] 817 00:33:02,845 --> 00:33:05,325 "Erm, I wasn't d--" [laughs] 818 00:33:05,565 --> 00:33:07,165 Ever see the bottom lip go? 819 00:33:07,245 --> 00:33:10,205 -[sobbing] "I wasn't doing anything." -[laughter] 820 00:33:10,405 --> 00:33:12,405 Your mum would use a trick question, 821 00:33:12,485 --> 00:33:14,685 remember them trick questions your mum would ask you? 822 00:33:14,885 --> 00:33:17,605 "Don't cry, 'cause I'll bust your little face." 823 00:33:17,725 --> 00:33:19,405 -[laughter] -You don't know what to do now! 824 00:33:19,485 --> 00:33:21,485 [stuttering] "Um, Mum, yeah?" 825 00:33:21,565 --> 00:33:23,725 Remember trying to reason with your mum? 826 00:33:23,805 --> 00:33:25,125 [sobbing] "Mum, yeah? Um, 827 00:33:25,365 --> 00:33:27,565 c-can I just say something, yeah? 828 00:33:27,765 --> 00:33:29,405 -Um..." -[laughter] 829 00:33:30,045 --> 00:33:32,645 It was like your last confession 'cause you might not make it. 830 00:33:33,525 --> 00:33:35,685 "Mum, yeah? Can I just say something, yeah? 831 00:33:35,805 --> 00:33:38,605 What happened, yeah? Is I-I-I got an ice-pole, yeah? 832 00:33:38,805 --> 00:33:40,405 And then I got a sandwich, yeah? 833 00:33:40,525 --> 00:33:41,925 And then I-I-I fell over, 834 00:33:42,005 --> 00:33:44,205 [sobbing] and then, a crisp fell in my pocket. 835 00:33:44,285 --> 00:33:46,045 I-I didn't even want crisps." 836 00:33:46,165 --> 00:33:49,365 And your mum's just had enough of your shit. Your mum's like, 837 00:33:49,485 --> 00:33:51,045 [shouting] "Do I buy ice-poles 838 00:33:51,285 --> 00:33:53,445 for other people's bloody children?! 839 00:33:54,125 --> 00:33:57,245 For you and your trampy little friends on the estate?!" 840 00:33:57,805 --> 00:34:00,485 "What?! My tra-- How dare you? That's Weird William. 841 00:34:00,565 --> 00:34:02,125 -Are you alright?" -[laughter] 842 00:34:02,325 --> 00:34:04,325 "Where was you when we were playing Forty Forty Home? 843 00:34:04,405 --> 00:34:05,485 Where was you then, Mum? 844 00:34:05,725 --> 00:34:06,565 How dare you?" 845 00:34:07,965 --> 00:34:10,285 Now, when you play out, the one thing 846 00:34:10,485 --> 00:34:12,605 that you really want, is some pocket money. 847 00:34:12,805 --> 00:34:14,285 All you want is pocket money. 848 00:34:14,365 --> 00:34:15,725 My mum was a single parent, 849 00:34:15,805 --> 00:34:17,925 she couldn't afford pocket money, yeah? 850 00:34:18,045 --> 00:34:20,765 I remember kids at school with pocket money, I was astonished. 851 00:34:20,845 --> 00:34:23,485 "What?! You get pocket money? 852 00:34:24,605 --> 00:34:25,445 For your pocket?" 853 00:34:25,845 --> 00:34:27,325 [laughter] 854 00:34:27,965 --> 00:34:29,525 "Ah, you guys are rich, boy!" 855 00:34:29,725 --> 00:34:30,845 [laughter] 856 00:34:31,045 --> 00:34:34,245 "Most probably got kitchen roll and toilet paper. Oh my gosh!" 857 00:34:34,325 --> 00:34:35,245 [laughter] 858 00:34:35,485 --> 00:34:38,365 "Guys are really living the dream over there. Shit, man!" 859 00:34:38,445 --> 00:34:41,605 'Cause I couldn't even accept money from my own family. 860 00:34:41,765 --> 00:34:43,045 I'd go to my nan's house, 861 00:34:43,125 --> 00:34:44,965 you know how old people always give money away. 862 00:34:45,045 --> 00:34:47,445 My nan would be like: "There you go, there's £20. 863 00:34:47,565 --> 00:34:48,445 Buy some sweets." 864 00:34:48,525 --> 00:34:49,365 What? 865 00:34:49,605 --> 00:34:52,005 £20 to "buy some sweets"? 866 00:34:52,445 --> 00:34:55,285 "I'll be off my face on E numbers. Are you alright, Nan?" 867 00:34:55,885 --> 00:34:58,605 But watch my mum, with interception like Sol Campbell, 868 00:34:58,685 --> 00:35:00,325 -"Ah, ah, ah!" -[laughter] 869 00:35:01,005 --> 00:35:02,485 "I'll look after that, yeah?" 870 00:35:02,565 --> 00:35:03,605 [laughter] 871 00:35:04,005 --> 00:35:06,805 "If you wanna spend it, yeah? You can ask me, yeah?" 872 00:35:07,205 --> 00:35:08,485 Does anyone here remember 873 00:35:08,565 --> 00:35:10,685 when you found out that child benefit 874 00:35:10,765 --> 00:35:12,765 was actually for you? Remember that lie? 875 00:35:12,845 --> 00:35:14,925 -[laughter] -Remember that? 876 00:35:15,045 --> 00:35:18,085 Remember looking at your mum differently, like, "You taking the piss? 877 00:35:18,205 --> 00:35:20,725 You been buying Lambrini and fags this whole time? 878 00:35:20,925 --> 00:35:23,205 I can't even get an Action Man magazine?" 879 00:35:23,285 --> 00:35:24,125 [laughter] 880 00:35:24,925 --> 00:35:25,765 But I'd still try. 881 00:35:25,845 --> 00:35:26,845 I'd still try. 882 00:35:26,965 --> 00:35:29,125 You gotta imagine, my mum was a single parent. 883 00:35:29,205 --> 00:35:30,405 She worked at my school. 884 00:35:30,485 --> 00:35:32,725 So my mum would work Monday to Friday. 885 00:35:32,805 --> 00:35:35,445 Saturday: This is prime time playing-out time. 886 00:35:35,525 --> 00:35:38,365 This is also my mum's weekly lie-in. 887 00:35:38,445 --> 00:35:40,885 It's my only chance to try and get pocket money. 888 00:35:40,965 --> 00:35:43,925 'Cause my mum's, like, sedated. She's kind of sedated. Yeah? 889 00:35:44,005 --> 00:35:45,565 So I'm walking up to my mum's room. 890 00:35:45,645 --> 00:35:48,165 Now, my mum had this dark, dark room. 891 00:35:48,245 --> 00:35:49,405 It was so dark. 892 00:35:49,485 --> 00:35:52,485 Like something out of a horror film. I'd approach the door... 893 00:35:53,285 --> 00:35:55,285 -[creepy music] -[Mo exhales slowly] 894 00:35:56,405 --> 00:35:59,005 [spooky piano] 895 00:35:59,805 --> 00:36:03,325 I could hear the souls of all the kids that never got any pocket money. 896 00:36:03,405 --> 00:36:04,885 -[laughter] -[eerie music] 897 00:36:05,285 --> 00:36:07,805 [impersonates echo] "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 898 00:36:08,765 --> 00:36:11,205 -Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" -[laughter] 899 00:36:11,405 --> 00:36:14,285 I'd get my classic mum-call on, to see if she was awake. 900 00:36:15,445 --> 00:36:17,365 -[eerie music] -[hesitantly] "Mum?" 901 00:36:17,525 --> 00:36:18,765 [laughter] 902 00:36:20,565 --> 00:36:22,205 -"Muuum." -[spooky music] 903 00:36:23,045 --> 00:36:24,685 Then I'd get my speech prepared. 904 00:36:26,845 --> 00:36:27,685 "Mu-um... 905 00:36:29,285 --> 00:36:32,045 I'm awfully sorry to bother you on this somber morning. 906 00:36:32,205 --> 00:36:35,205 I just wondered if I can quickly play out with my friends?" 907 00:36:35,365 --> 00:36:38,765 You mention all the chores you've completed to help your application, 908 00:36:39,365 --> 00:36:42,125 "Err... Mum, so, I've done, um, all the chores, um... 909 00:36:42,205 --> 00:36:43,805 I've-I've washed the dishes, 910 00:36:44,005 --> 00:36:45,565 um, I've hoovered the stairs, 911 00:36:45,725 --> 00:36:48,485 um, I-I painted the roof as well, painted the roof..." 912 00:36:48,565 --> 00:36:49,605 [laughter] 913 00:36:49,685 --> 00:36:52,045 "I know we live in a flat but I did it somehow." 914 00:36:52,405 --> 00:36:54,685 Then you'd get the price-plan structure ready 915 00:36:54,765 --> 00:36:56,845 of how much you wanna get out of your mum. 916 00:36:56,925 --> 00:36:59,045 "Mum, I was wondering if there's a small possibility 917 00:36:59,165 --> 00:37:00,725 I could have, like, £1 or £6? 918 00:37:00,845 --> 00:37:03,285 'Cause I'd like to quickly play out with my friends." 919 00:37:03,605 --> 00:37:04,445 Then, 920 00:37:04,525 --> 00:37:05,485 everybody's mum 921 00:37:05,965 --> 00:37:06,805 would wake up. 922 00:37:06,885 --> 00:37:08,885 But you knew your mum was really awake, 923 00:37:09,005 --> 00:37:11,005 'cause she'd always swear, you know? She'd be like, 924 00:37:11,205 --> 00:37:12,805 [deep inhale] 925 00:37:12,885 --> 00:37:14,885 -[loud sigh] -[eerie piano] 926 00:37:15,725 --> 00:37:17,565 [deep inhale] 927 00:37:17,765 --> 00:37:19,405 -[loud sigh] -[eerie piano] 928 00:37:19,805 --> 00:37:20,645 [sucks teeth] 929 00:37:20,925 --> 00:37:22,085 [laughter] 930 00:37:22,365 --> 00:37:25,005 [groans] [sucks teeth] 931 00:37:26,045 --> 00:37:28,645 -[shouting] "This fucking child!" -[laughter] 932 00:37:29,485 --> 00:37:31,125 [spooky piano] 933 00:37:32,525 --> 00:37:35,765 Then everyone's mum would say this classic line..." 934 00:37:35,965 --> 00:37:39,605 [sucks teeth] [breathes deeply] 935 00:37:40,045 --> 00:37:42,645 -[gently] "Go and get my bag." -[raucous laughter] 936 00:37:42,725 --> 00:37:44,885 [cheering and applause] 937 00:37:47,885 --> 00:37:50,045 [applause continues] 938 00:37:51,165 --> 00:37:52,005 [meekly] "Mu-um? 939 00:37:54,525 --> 00:37:56,765 -I don't know where your bag is, Mum." -[laughter] 940 00:37:57,645 --> 00:38:02,125 Right now, your mum is absolutely fuming. 941 00:38:02,645 --> 00:38:05,765 Do you know why? 'Cause your mum has to get up out of bed. 942 00:38:06,165 --> 00:38:08,085 Your mum's so angry, she's so enraged, 943 00:38:08,165 --> 00:38:10,125 she just gets up so quick, she's not thinking. 944 00:38:10,205 --> 00:38:12,805 Don't forget, she goes to bed in a loose nightie top, 945 00:38:12,885 --> 00:38:15,925 and she'd get up so quick, one loose breast would pop out. 946 00:38:16,005 --> 00:38:19,285 -[exuberant laughter] -[loud female laughter] 947 00:38:21,245 --> 00:38:23,445 [laughter continues] 948 00:38:26,125 --> 00:38:28,525 [laughter continues] 949 00:38:30,405 --> 00:38:31,685 [raucous female laughter] 950 00:38:33,445 --> 00:38:35,485 [female laughing loudly] 951 00:38:38,325 --> 00:38:40,165 [laughter continues] 952 00:38:41,805 --> 00:38:44,405 Guys, remember you couldn't look at your mum's loose breast? 953 00:38:44,485 --> 00:38:45,845 Remember the awkward interaction? 954 00:38:45,925 --> 00:38:47,285 "Mum. Mum..." 955 00:38:47,365 --> 00:38:49,045 -[laughter] -"Mum... 956 00:38:51,325 --> 00:38:52,165 Mum..." 957 00:38:53,285 --> 00:38:54,685 [ripple of laughter] 958 00:38:56,845 --> 00:38:57,685 "Mum, your ti--" 959 00:38:57,965 --> 00:38:59,325 [laughter] 960 00:39:01,925 --> 00:39:03,205 "Mum, your titty is out." 961 00:39:03,325 --> 00:39:04,965 -[laughter] -"Your titty is out." 962 00:39:05,525 --> 00:39:07,165 Your mum doesn't even care. 963 00:39:07,325 --> 00:39:08,605 Your mum's been woken up. 964 00:39:08,685 --> 00:39:09,845 "What?! 965 00:39:10,165 --> 00:39:11,005 This tit?! 966 00:39:11,645 --> 00:39:13,445 -This fucking tit?!" -[laughter] 967 00:39:13,565 --> 00:39:15,965 -"You used to suck on this tit." -[loud laughter] 968 00:39:16,485 --> 00:39:18,605 [melancholy piano music] 969 00:39:18,685 --> 00:39:19,525 [laughter] 970 00:39:20,525 --> 00:39:23,005 -[piano continues] -[laughter continues] 971 00:39:29,085 --> 00:39:31,365 ♪ I never sucked them titties, titties ♪ 972 00:39:31,445 --> 00:39:32,365 [laughter] 973 00:39:32,445 --> 00:39:36,725 [Mo chuckles] 974 00:39:37,325 --> 00:39:39,765 [still chuckling] 975 00:39:41,405 --> 00:39:42,325 Know what's funny? 976 00:39:42,405 --> 00:39:44,605 My mum's here tonight, you know? [giggles] 977 00:39:44,685 --> 00:39:46,325 -[audience laughs] -[Mo chuckles] 978 00:39:46,405 --> 00:39:49,245 The funny thing is, my mum's never seen that joke before. 979 00:39:49,325 --> 00:39:50,845 -[audience laughs] -[Mo chuckles] 980 00:39:51,085 --> 00:39:55,325 [chuckling] I know my mum's gonna be like... 981 00:39:55,405 --> 00:39:57,885 [African accent] "Why did you talk about my teets?" 982 00:39:57,965 --> 00:39:58,805 [laughter] 983 00:39:58,885 --> 00:40:01,125 "Why did you have to talk about my teets?" 984 00:40:01,205 --> 00:40:02,045 [laughter] 985 00:40:02,325 --> 00:40:05,165 "Mum, you ain't even African, why you speaking like that? 986 00:40:05,405 --> 00:40:06,245 [laughter] 987 00:40:06,885 --> 00:40:07,725 [Mo chuckles] 988 00:40:07,805 --> 00:40:10,045 "What are you doing, bruv?" [chuckles] 989 00:40:11,445 --> 00:40:13,525 But I've gotta big-up my mum, you know? 990 00:40:13,605 --> 00:40:15,245 'Cause she was a single parent. 991 00:40:15,325 --> 00:40:18,805 She raised me, and my two older sisters as well. 992 00:40:19,005 --> 00:40:20,325 That's a hard job for anyone. 993 00:40:20,725 --> 00:40:22,125 So I've gotta big-up my mum. 994 00:40:22,205 --> 00:40:23,245 But the problem was, 995 00:40:23,445 --> 00:40:24,725 having two older sisters, 996 00:40:24,845 --> 00:40:26,765 I wanted two older brothers, you know? 997 00:40:26,845 --> 00:40:29,605 'Cause I lived on a big estate. When you live on an estate, 998 00:40:29,685 --> 00:40:30,925 you want some protection. 999 00:40:31,005 --> 00:40:32,925 Remember the kid with older brothers? 1000 00:40:33,005 --> 00:40:34,605 "What? You're picking on me? 1001 00:40:35,125 --> 00:40:36,485 I'll get my bruva." 1002 00:40:37,525 --> 00:40:39,885 Couldn't do that with my sisters. All they could do 1003 00:40:39,965 --> 00:40:41,365 was plait hair and dance. 1004 00:40:41,445 --> 00:40:43,205 -That's all they could do. -[laughter] 1005 00:40:43,445 --> 00:40:44,285 They'll come out, 1006 00:40:44,365 --> 00:40:45,765 "Who's picking on my bruva? 1007 00:40:46,005 --> 00:40:48,165 Who's picking on my bruva?" 1008 00:40:48,365 --> 00:40:49,565 [laughter] 1009 00:40:49,765 --> 00:40:52,405 "Like, shit. Here we go, bruv! You got served, bruv!" 1010 00:40:52,565 --> 00:40:53,405 [laughter] 1011 00:40:53,645 --> 00:40:54,485 [Mo chuckles] 1012 00:40:55,725 --> 00:40:58,365 That's the beautiful thing, growing up with sisters. 1013 00:40:58,445 --> 00:41:00,045 And obviously as a young kid, 1014 00:41:00,125 --> 00:41:01,885 you learn to respect women as well. 1015 00:41:01,965 --> 00:41:04,045 But you see how women interact with each other. 1016 00:41:04,125 --> 00:41:05,565 You know, when it comes to birthdays, 1017 00:41:05,645 --> 00:41:08,565 you women really go out for your girls when it's birthdays. 1018 00:41:08,645 --> 00:41:10,565 I know you guys do the WhatsApp group, 1019 00:41:10,685 --> 00:41:13,165 that's the popular thing now when it's birthdays. 1020 00:41:13,245 --> 00:41:15,645 All added in a group, you see the title, 1021 00:41:15,725 --> 00:41:17,645 "Chantelle's Big Birthday!" 1022 00:41:18,645 --> 00:41:21,205 -"29 plus VAT!" -[laughter] 1023 00:41:21,325 --> 00:41:23,325 Shut up, man. You're 34. Let it go, man. 1024 00:41:24,645 --> 00:41:27,405 You see numbers you don't know in the WhatsApp group, 1025 00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:30,005 "'+447253.' Who's that?" 1026 00:41:30,525 --> 00:41:32,885 She tells you what's happening. I dunno if you guys know this, 1027 00:41:32,965 --> 00:41:35,045 it's not just one day of birthday celebrations, 1028 00:41:35,125 --> 00:41:37,845 it's a whole weekend of birthday celebrations, yeah? 1029 00:41:37,965 --> 00:41:40,805 You know? The birthday girl will let everyone know, a big paragraph. 1030 00:41:40,885 --> 00:41:43,485 You know it's a big paragraph when it says "read more." 1031 00:41:43,565 --> 00:41:46,245 You're like, "Read more? There's more!" 1032 00:41:46,325 --> 00:41:49,365 She'll tell you what's going on on each day that's planned. 1033 00:41:49,445 --> 00:41:50,285 She'll tell you, 1034 00:41:50,365 --> 00:41:55,485 "Hi, ladies, it's that time of the yeee-ar!" 1035 00:41:55,885 --> 00:41:59,405 -Fire emoji. Fire emoji. Fire emoji. -[laughter] 1036 00:42:00,085 --> 00:42:01,485 "So, on Friday... 1037 00:42:02,125 --> 00:42:04,685 I'm looking to attend a spa. 1038 00:42:06,325 --> 00:42:08,965 Please put your deposits in by Thursday. 1039 00:42:09,565 --> 00:42:12,645 Deposits are £279. 1040 00:42:13,445 --> 00:42:14,445 If you don't wanna come, 1041 00:42:14,525 --> 00:42:16,925 just leave the group so I know who my real friends are." 1042 00:42:17,005 --> 00:42:18,485 -[laughter] -That's it. 1043 00:42:18,765 --> 00:42:21,205 Can't even leave. You're stuck. One of the chosen few. 1044 00:42:21,765 --> 00:42:24,605 You're so stressed, you'll message one of the girls, 1045 00:42:24,805 --> 00:42:27,005 -"Are you serious? I'm not paying £270." -[laughter] 1046 00:42:27,085 --> 00:42:28,925 "Are you alright? What? For a spa? 1047 00:42:29,005 --> 00:42:29,925 Are you a spa? 1048 00:42:30,005 --> 00:42:32,605 No! No! Noooo!" 1049 00:42:33,365 --> 00:42:36,165 The other girl doesn't reply, she just does the eyes emoji. 1050 00:42:36,405 --> 00:42:38,205 -Mm! -[laughter] 1051 00:42:38,325 --> 00:42:39,605 [chuckling] Hmm! 1052 00:42:42,725 --> 00:42:44,725 Then she'll let you know what's on Saturday, 1053 00:42:45,285 --> 00:42:48,445 [speaks softly] "But ladies, it's all about Saturday! 1054 00:42:49,125 --> 00:42:51,485 Please meet at my house for six. 1055 00:42:51,925 --> 00:42:55,765 Don't be late, brackets, Shanice..." [laughs insincerely] 1056 00:42:56,045 --> 00:42:59,045 "She's always late, you know?! 1057 00:43:00,485 --> 00:43:02,685 Then, ladies, we can go to the club... 1058 00:43:02,765 --> 00:43:04,245 Tun up, tun up. 1059 00:43:04,365 --> 00:43:06,765 [Jamaican accent] Wash your pum-pum, and tun up!" 1060 00:43:06,885 --> 00:43:08,165 [laughter] 1061 00:43:08,445 --> 00:43:10,285 Then, you'll meet up at her house. 1062 00:43:10,365 --> 00:43:11,645 The door goes: bim-bim! 1063 00:43:11,765 --> 00:43:12,925 [high voice] "One sec! 1064 00:43:13,005 --> 00:43:14,645 How's it going, babes?" [kissy sound] 1065 00:43:14,725 --> 00:43:17,725 It's a friend she hasn't seen in years, it's kind of awkward, 1066 00:43:17,805 --> 00:43:21,165 she only invited her to help pay the table or something. 1067 00:43:21,245 --> 00:43:23,885 She doesn't know what to say, "Gosh, babes, alright?" 1068 00:43:23,965 --> 00:43:25,205 Gives her a fake compliment, 1069 00:43:25,285 --> 00:43:27,245 girls are always sucked in by fake compliments, 1070 00:43:27,325 --> 00:43:30,125 "Oh my gosh, how you doing? Um, new shoes!" 1071 00:43:30,205 --> 00:43:31,205 Always get sucked in. 1072 00:43:31,285 --> 00:43:33,285 [silly voice] "Yeah, new shoes. Guess where from. 1073 00:43:33,405 --> 00:43:35,805 Guess where. Primark. £5!" 1074 00:43:37,565 --> 00:43:38,965 Door goes again. Bim-bim! 1075 00:43:39,045 --> 00:43:40,285 "Help yourself, babes." 1076 00:43:40,365 --> 00:43:43,645 [kissy noise] "You alright, babes? What's wrong? 1077 00:43:43,725 --> 00:43:46,205 This is the girl in the group, she's always tired, 1078 00:43:46,285 --> 00:43:49,725 she's always gotta announce before the night starts how tired she is. 1079 00:43:50,845 --> 00:43:53,405 [yawning] "Oh, yeah, I'm alright. Just tired." 1080 00:43:53,925 --> 00:43:55,645 -[laughter] -She's just come from work. 1081 00:43:55,725 --> 00:43:58,565 "Yeah, I've just come from work, you know. Oh my gosh... 1082 00:43:58,645 --> 00:44:00,205 Yeah, been doing overtime." 1083 00:44:00,285 --> 00:44:02,805 She always exaggerates how much hours she's done. 1084 00:44:02,885 --> 00:44:04,965 "Yeah, I'm so tired, been doing overtime. 1085 00:44:05,125 --> 00:44:07,845 Yeah, I've done about 275 hours already this week." 1086 00:44:07,965 --> 00:44:08,885 [laughter] 1087 00:44:09,005 --> 00:44:13,405 "So, I don't know if I'm on it tonight, girls, I might leave early as well. 1088 00:44:13,485 --> 00:44:14,325 I dunno if-- 1089 00:44:14,405 --> 00:44:16,765 Can you turn the music down? It's a bit loud." 1090 00:44:16,845 --> 00:44:19,405 Then, the one rude, facey friend 1091 00:44:19,485 --> 00:44:22,405 sees this negative energy, and just tells people how it is, 1092 00:44:22,525 --> 00:44:24,285 [shouts] "Why did you come, then?" 1093 00:44:24,365 --> 00:44:25,325 [laughter] 1094 00:44:25,485 --> 00:44:27,485 [shouts] "Why you here with your bad energy? 1095 00:44:27,565 --> 00:44:28,805 Why did you come?" 1096 00:44:28,885 --> 00:44:29,805 [laughter] 1097 00:44:30,605 --> 00:44:33,605 Then there's the work friend who thinks it's a real argument, 1098 00:44:33,685 --> 00:44:36,285 -"Please don't fight, it's her birthday." -[laughter] 1099 00:44:36,485 --> 00:44:38,765 "Shut up, man! Who are you? No one knows you! 1100 00:44:38,965 --> 00:44:39,805 Who are you?" 1101 00:44:39,885 --> 00:44:42,205 "I'm sorry. Do you want a drink or something?" 1102 00:44:42,645 --> 00:44:44,205 [Mo chuckles] 1103 00:44:44,605 --> 00:44:48,645 [chuckles] You girls are piss-takers, too, you don't even like this work friend. 1104 00:44:48,725 --> 00:44:51,125 You don't even like her. You talk about her, too. 1105 00:44:51,205 --> 00:44:53,805 "I don't even like her, you know? She's so in my face..." 1106 00:44:53,885 --> 00:44:55,245 Then she buys a round of drinks. 1107 00:44:55,445 --> 00:44:57,605 "Hey! How you doing, you alright? [slurps] 1108 00:44:57,725 --> 00:45:00,845 Thank you! Good to see you! Oh my days, your hair's changed!" 1109 00:45:00,925 --> 00:45:02,685 Her hair ain't changed in years. 1110 00:45:02,765 --> 00:45:03,605 She's bald! 1111 00:45:03,765 --> 00:45:04,725 [laughter] 1112 00:45:05,885 --> 00:45:06,805 There's the one friend, 1113 00:45:06,885 --> 00:45:09,925 oh my god, last-minute Lucy, she's always last minute! 1114 00:45:10,005 --> 00:45:12,005 The cab is coming. 1115 00:45:12,085 --> 00:45:13,765 She's got one fucking eyelash on! 1116 00:45:14,325 --> 00:45:16,925 Last-minute Lucy: "Guys, please, are you lot just-- 1117 00:45:17,805 --> 00:45:19,005 You just gonna leave me? 1118 00:45:19,085 --> 00:45:21,845 You just gonna leave me when I gotta put my eyelash on? 1119 00:45:21,925 --> 00:45:25,005 Are you serious? Do you know what? No one cares about me! 1120 00:45:25,085 --> 00:45:26,445 Just go!" 1121 00:45:27,045 --> 00:45:29,845 Put your fucking eyelash on, Lucy! The fuck's wrong with you? 1122 00:45:30,005 --> 00:45:30,965 [laughter] 1123 00:45:31,045 --> 00:45:33,885 You look like a fucking butterfly. Put your eyelash on, bruv. 1124 00:45:34,565 --> 00:45:35,525 [laughter] 1125 00:45:35,845 --> 00:45:39,005 But there's a bond you ladies have, you always stick together. 1126 00:45:39,085 --> 00:45:40,965 In terms of, like, making decisions, 1127 00:45:41,045 --> 00:45:43,485 group decisions, you'll make them there and then, there's no, 1128 00:45:43,565 --> 00:45:45,965 "Hmm, not sure." You seen when girls get in the club? 1129 00:45:46,085 --> 00:45:48,485 The one leader, she'll go in the club, she'll go, 1130 00:45:48,645 --> 00:45:50,845 "Sorry, scuse me. How much is the cloakroom? 1131 00:45:51,085 --> 00:45:53,085 £2? Sorry, one second. 1132 00:45:53,685 --> 00:45:55,245 I'm not paying no fucking £2! 1133 00:45:55,325 --> 00:45:56,805 Sorry, I'm not paying £2." 1134 00:45:57,085 --> 00:45:59,965 All the other girls will agree they're also not paying £2. 1135 00:46:00,085 --> 00:46:04,565 "Yeah, t- no... [random beeping sounds] 1136 00:46:04,765 --> 00:46:07,525 None of these girls are paying £2, yeah? 1137 00:46:07,605 --> 00:46:09,645 The mother hen, she'll take the coats. 1138 00:46:09,725 --> 00:46:11,005 "Gimme those coats." 1139 00:46:11,285 --> 00:46:12,605 She'll take all the coats. 1140 00:46:12,685 --> 00:46:14,525 She'll find a spot on the dance floor, 1141 00:46:14,605 --> 00:46:16,165 "Scuse me, you sitting here?" 1142 00:46:16,245 --> 00:46:18,565 She'll drop all the coats on the dance floor. 1143 00:46:18,805 --> 00:46:21,605 You'll make a pile, dance around your bags and coats, 1144 00:46:21,685 --> 00:46:22,645 you don't give a shit! 1145 00:46:24,325 --> 00:46:25,405 But the rule is: 1146 00:46:25,525 --> 00:46:28,245 We come together, we leave together. Yeah? 1147 00:46:28,405 --> 00:46:29,405 At the end of the night, 1148 00:46:29,485 --> 00:46:31,845 the pretty friend, she's by herself, yeah? 1149 00:46:31,925 --> 00:46:33,085 The pretty friend's annoying. 1150 00:46:33,165 --> 00:46:34,165 Know why she's annoying? 1151 00:46:34,245 --> 00:46:37,045 She knows she's pretty but can't take a compliment. 1152 00:46:37,125 --> 00:46:39,765 Yeah? Ladies, you know how it is, you'll be like, 1153 00:46:39,845 --> 00:46:41,445 [high voice] "Oh my days, you alright? 1154 00:46:41,525 --> 00:46:43,845 Your hair looks so good, you know?" 1155 00:46:43,925 --> 00:46:47,005 "Please don't talk about my hair, it's so dry right now." 1156 00:46:47,085 --> 00:46:49,045 -[laughter] -Just take the compliment, man! 1157 00:46:49,125 --> 00:46:52,365 There's girls struggling with split ends, take the fucking compliment! 1158 00:46:52,445 --> 00:46:53,405 [laughter] 1159 00:46:53,925 --> 00:46:55,605 But she'll be there, by herself. 1160 00:46:56,005 --> 00:46:59,245 You know, you got one of these roadman vultures outside the club, 1161 00:46:59,405 --> 00:47:01,245 just looking for their prey. 1162 00:47:01,325 --> 00:47:02,445 -[laughter] -[Mo chuckles] 1163 00:47:02,525 --> 00:47:05,445 You ever seen these fake polite roadmen? 1164 00:47:07,765 --> 00:47:09,685 [laughter] 1165 00:47:11,965 --> 00:47:13,925 -"Hello." -[loud laughter] 1166 00:47:14,845 --> 00:47:15,805 [applause] 1167 00:47:18,285 --> 00:47:21,005 [chuckles] He flashes the gold tooth a little bit. 1168 00:47:21,405 --> 00:47:23,005 [laughter] 1169 00:47:23,685 --> 00:47:25,165 "Sorry, excuse me. Scuse me. 1170 00:47:26,045 --> 00:47:26,885 Sorry, excuse me. 1171 00:47:27,325 --> 00:47:28,165 'Scuse me." 1172 00:47:29,365 --> 00:47:32,725 But, you see, this guy, this guy has lyrics for days. 1173 00:47:32,805 --> 00:47:33,845 You've seen him. 1174 00:47:34,005 --> 00:47:36,445 He's got chat-up lines for days, he's like, 1175 00:47:36,525 --> 00:47:38,885 [sucks teeth] "Listen, yeah? What I'm sayin'..." 1176 00:47:39,005 --> 00:47:41,645 -[laughter] -[Mo chuckles] 1177 00:47:42,005 --> 00:47:43,805 "Yeah, you got a nice smile, still." 1178 00:47:44,005 --> 00:47:46,005 -[laughter] -[chuckles] "Mm-mm... 1179 00:47:46,245 --> 00:47:49,445 Yeah, but you know that, though. You know that, still. 1180 00:47:50,045 --> 00:47:53,405 You know them ones there, fam. She knows that, still, she knows it." 1181 00:47:53,525 --> 00:47:54,525 [audience laughter] 1182 00:47:54,765 --> 00:47:55,845 "Yeah." 1183 00:47:56,365 --> 00:47:58,085 [audience laughter] 1184 00:47:58,445 --> 00:48:02,205 "Yeah, you got a nice body, too. You got a nice body, still. 1185 00:48:02,605 --> 00:48:04,965 -Mm. Mm..." -[laughter] 1186 00:48:05,085 --> 00:48:08,485 "Yeah. Nah. But you know that, too. You know that, too. 1187 00:48:08,965 --> 00:48:11,685 You get me? She knows that, too, cuz! You get me? 1188 00:48:12,605 --> 00:48:15,125 So, I'm gonna tell you something you don't know..." 1189 00:48:16,365 --> 00:48:18,885 [laughter] 1190 00:48:19,325 --> 00:48:21,445 "072953 1191 00:48:21,525 --> 00:48:22,405 578." 1192 00:48:22,525 --> 00:48:25,165 [Mo laughs] 1193 00:48:25,245 --> 00:48:27,725 [laughing] Some guys are writing that down, like, 1194 00:48:27,805 --> 00:48:30,245 -"But you know that, you know that." -[laughter] 1195 00:48:33,125 --> 00:48:35,885 'Cause you got the girls in their group over here, 1196 00:48:36,045 --> 00:48:38,845 you got the guys in their group over here, the guys... 1197 00:48:38,925 --> 00:48:41,405 There's always a good-looking guy in every crew, 1198 00:48:41,485 --> 00:48:43,445 he doesn't even talk but he knows everyone. 1199 00:48:43,525 --> 00:48:46,205 He knows everyone in the club. You ever seen this guy? 1200 00:48:46,285 --> 00:48:47,765 "What's going on? My guy. 1201 00:48:48,165 --> 00:48:49,845 What's going on, my guy? 1202 00:48:49,925 --> 00:48:51,765 What you telling me, fam? I see you. 1203 00:48:51,845 --> 00:48:52,765 Say no more. 1204 00:48:52,845 --> 00:48:55,925 -Wagwan, breddah? You cool? I see you." -[laughter] 1205 00:48:57,765 --> 00:48:58,605 Also, guys, 1206 00:48:58,685 --> 00:49:00,165 stop doing this thing, yeah? 1207 00:49:00,245 --> 00:49:03,965 Where guys give each other compliments, but no one can take the compliment. 1208 00:49:04,045 --> 00:49:06,685 You seen guys do this? They have a 'compliment-off'? 1209 00:49:06,765 --> 00:49:08,005 You seen guys do this? 1210 00:49:08,085 --> 00:49:08,965 One guy was like, 1211 00:49:09,045 --> 00:49:12,405 [laughing] "Okay! 1212 00:49:12,845 --> 00:49:13,685 Okay! 1213 00:49:14,165 --> 00:49:15,045 Okay! 1214 00:49:15,405 --> 00:49:16,365 I see you. 1215 00:49:16,845 --> 00:49:17,925 I see you. 1216 00:49:18,485 --> 00:49:21,445 -Man's wearing them Balenciagas, yeah?!" -[raucous laughter] 1217 00:49:21,805 --> 00:49:22,725 "Okay! 1218 00:49:23,245 --> 00:49:25,645 -Money man! Okay!" -[laughter] 1219 00:49:25,805 --> 00:49:28,405 This guy just can't take the compliment, you seen this guy? 1220 00:49:28,485 --> 00:49:31,845 -"Hey, bruv. Allow me." -[loud laughter] 1221 00:49:32,365 --> 00:49:33,965 Seen when guys try not to laugh? 1222 00:49:34,045 --> 00:49:38,405 "Bruv, allow me. Allow me. Allow me. Allow me, fam. Allow me." 1223 00:49:38,485 --> 00:49:40,805 [chuckling] "Bruv, allow me. Allow me. 1224 00:49:40,885 --> 00:49:45,525 These tings are wearing de P-radas, bruv! I'm trying to be like yoooo!" 1225 00:49:48,725 --> 00:49:49,925 [chuckling] 1226 00:49:51,285 --> 00:49:52,725 You know, the guys are here, 1227 00:49:52,845 --> 00:49:54,125 the ladies are over here. 1228 00:49:54,725 --> 00:49:57,045 The DJs control the atmosphere of the club, 1229 00:49:57,125 --> 00:49:58,605 they can change it whenever they like. 1230 00:49:58,725 --> 00:50:00,645 You've seen a DJ pull up a tune halfway through... 1231 00:50:00,725 --> 00:50:02,565 [impersonates music slowing down] 1232 00:50:03,445 --> 00:50:07,125 [getting quieter] "Right about now. Right about now. Right about now... 1233 00:50:07,965 --> 00:50:11,845 We're gonna change it up. We're gonna change it up. We're gonna change it up. 1234 00:50:12,685 --> 00:50:16,685 We're not gonna play no more of that R&B. [getting quieter] R&B. R&B. R&B... 1235 00:50:17,165 --> 00:50:19,765 Bee-bee be-beem! Bee-bee be-beem! 1236 00:50:20,045 --> 00:50:22,405 Ah-ah, ah-ah, tch ch ch choooo, ah-ah..." 1237 00:50:22,525 --> 00:50:24,045 [audience laughter] 1238 00:50:24,485 --> 00:50:28,485 "We're not gonna play no more of that hip-hop. [gets quieter] Hip-hop, hip-hop." 1239 00:50:28,645 --> 00:50:31,165 By the way, there's no echo machine on his decks, 1240 00:50:31,245 --> 00:50:33,765 he does this with his voice, every night, yeah? 1241 00:50:34,285 --> 00:50:39,285 "We're gonna get into some of that old-school reggae, reggae, reggae...! 1242 00:50:39,365 --> 00:50:43,005 Some of that dancehall! [gets quieter] Dancehall, dancehall, dancehall... 1243 00:50:43,485 --> 00:50:47,525 So, guys in this club right now. [quieter] Right now, right now... 1244 00:50:47,605 --> 00:50:51,925 If you ain't got a girl to dance with right now, right now, right now... 1245 00:50:53,165 --> 00:50:55,285 You're a wasteman, wasteman, waste--" 1246 00:50:55,365 --> 00:50:57,045 Some guys get stressed with it, 1247 00:50:57,125 --> 00:51:00,325 "What's the DJ talking about, 'wasteman'? I'll punch up the DJ, bruv. 1248 00:51:00,445 --> 00:51:02,525 I was cleaning up and eyeing up about 'wasteman.'" 1249 00:51:02,605 --> 00:51:03,685 [laughter] 1250 00:51:04,045 --> 00:51:06,365 So the guys are over here, the girls over here, 1251 00:51:06,725 --> 00:51:08,805 DJ would have run some bashment as well. 1252 00:51:08,925 --> 00:51:10,085 [bashment music] 1253 00:51:10,205 --> 00:51:11,365 The girls will be here. 1254 00:51:11,845 --> 00:51:12,885 The one girl, 1255 00:51:13,485 --> 00:51:16,445 she's complaining how hot the club is, you seen this girl? 1256 00:51:16,525 --> 00:51:18,325 "Oh my gosh, it's so hot. Are you hot? 1257 00:51:18,405 --> 00:51:21,365 I"m so hot. There's no air-conditioning, I'm so hot." 1258 00:51:21,445 --> 00:51:22,925 Then, there's the other girl, 1259 00:51:23,045 --> 00:51:25,525 where her face... is pissed-off, 1260 00:51:25,605 --> 00:51:28,765 but her body is having a great time. You've all seen this girl, 1261 00:51:28,965 --> 00:51:30,965 -[music continues] -[laughter] 1262 00:51:38,405 --> 00:51:42,285 Then, the guys see these girls dancing, 1263 00:51:42,365 --> 00:51:44,045 and this is where one of the guys 1264 00:51:44,165 --> 00:51:48,005 leaves the pack, and does the walkover to the wine dance. 1265 00:51:48,085 --> 00:51:50,765 You've all seen the walkover to the wine dance, yeah? 1266 00:51:50,845 --> 00:51:53,885 -[music continues] -[laughter] 1267 00:51:54,525 --> 00:51:57,845 One of the guys gets there, he's gotta try and get their attention, 1268 00:51:58,445 --> 00:52:00,645 starts touching some of the girls' elbows. 1269 00:52:03,645 --> 00:52:04,805 [laughter] 1270 00:52:08,445 --> 00:52:10,605 Ladies, you feel your elbows being touched, 1271 00:52:10,685 --> 00:52:12,045 but pretend like you can't. 1272 00:52:17,325 --> 00:52:18,485 [mouths words] 1273 00:52:19,445 --> 00:52:20,925 So this guy goes for broke. 1274 00:52:21,005 --> 00:52:24,725 He'll go for any girl he can get on the dance floor, you've seen this guy, 1275 00:52:24,845 --> 00:52:27,765 puts his dick out and hopes for the best, you've seen him. 1276 00:52:28,045 --> 00:52:30,045 [music continues] 1277 00:52:32,085 --> 00:52:33,125 Then, ladies, 1278 00:52:33,285 --> 00:52:36,005 you feel some kind of presence behind you, 1279 00:52:36,365 --> 00:52:38,685 and you're doing your cute little wine, right? 1280 00:52:38,965 --> 00:52:40,965 Then you feel this presence behind you, 1281 00:52:41,045 --> 00:52:43,005 and your little dance goes from this... 1282 00:52:44,005 --> 00:52:44,925 to now this. 1283 00:52:45,165 --> 00:52:46,125 [music continues] 1284 00:52:47,845 --> 00:52:48,765 [raucous laughter] 1285 00:52:49,085 --> 00:52:51,885 [mouthing words] 1286 00:52:54,125 --> 00:52:55,965 'Cause ladies, you don't turn around. 1287 00:52:56,045 --> 00:52:57,445 And guys, this is your wine. 1288 00:52:57,525 --> 00:52:59,805 Enjoy the wine, yeah? Let your jealous friends 1289 00:52:59,885 --> 00:53:03,485 over there know that you've got the wine, let them know, guys. 1290 00:53:04,645 --> 00:53:06,565 -[mouthing words] -[laughter] 1291 00:53:11,485 --> 00:53:12,565 [mouthing words] 1292 00:53:13,525 --> 00:53:15,925 So the wine is yours, for this song. 1293 00:53:16,405 --> 00:53:19,165 But if you want this wine to continue for the next song, 1294 00:53:19,365 --> 00:53:22,365 it's not your decision, it's not even her decision. 1295 00:53:22,445 --> 00:53:24,045 Do you know whose decision it is? 1296 00:53:24,125 --> 00:53:25,805 It's her best friend's decision, 1297 00:53:25,885 --> 00:53:27,485 if you're good-looking or not. 1298 00:53:27,565 --> 00:53:30,965 And this is how ladies communicate with one another while dancing, 1299 00:53:31,045 --> 00:53:31,925 this is what girls do. 1300 00:53:40,365 --> 00:53:41,245 [laughter] 1301 00:53:42,325 --> 00:53:44,005 And they'll just leave, mid-wine! 1302 00:53:45,485 --> 00:53:47,285 "Hello! 1303 00:53:47,965 --> 00:53:48,965 Pardon? 1304 00:53:49,605 --> 00:53:52,125 Pardon? Nah, I've got a man. 1305 00:53:52,685 --> 00:53:53,885 'Can we be friends?' 1306 00:53:53,965 --> 00:53:55,965 Nah, I've got friends already, okay. 1307 00:53:56,045 --> 00:53:57,485 Okay. Take care, yeah? 1308 00:53:57,565 --> 00:54:00,485 Have a good night, okay, bye-bye. [laughs insincerely] 1309 00:54:00,605 --> 00:54:03,085 Oh my gosh, Shanice, did you see his face? 1310 00:54:03,645 --> 00:54:06,605 Oh my gosh, he is so ugly. Look at his face. 1311 00:54:07,405 --> 00:54:10,205 Don't look now, yeah. La la la... 1312 00:54:10,925 --> 00:54:13,965 -[excited] Oh my days, look at his face!" -[rowdy laughter] 1313 00:54:16,525 --> 00:54:17,405 [Mo laughs] 1314 00:54:18,245 --> 00:54:20,285 Look at bare these evil witches right now, 1315 00:54:20,365 --> 00:54:22,965 "Yeah!" 1316 00:54:23,445 --> 00:54:25,965 [Mo laughs] 1317 00:54:26,605 --> 00:54:28,725 There's nothing better than going out, 1318 00:54:28,805 --> 00:54:31,125 I remember getting my first taste of going out. 1319 00:54:31,285 --> 00:54:33,485 The guys I went out with when I was younger, 1320 00:54:33,605 --> 00:54:34,965 they were, like, proper lads. 1321 00:54:35,045 --> 00:54:37,485 [London accent] Proper geezers. They had geezer names. 1322 00:54:37,685 --> 00:54:38,605 Names like 'Dave.' 1323 00:54:39,605 --> 00:54:40,925 Geezers like Steve. 1324 00:54:41,685 --> 00:54:43,885 -Geezers like fucking Terence. -[laughter] 1325 00:54:44,005 --> 00:54:46,325 This guy would headbutt the air, for no reason. 1326 00:54:46,445 --> 00:54:48,045 -[laughter] -"What's going on, Terence?" 1327 00:54:48,125 --> 00:54:50,165 -"Not too fucking bad, bruv." -[laughter] 1328 00:54:50,285 --> 00:54:52,645 "Alright though, yeah? Alright though?" 1329 00:54:53,285 --> 00:54:54,965 For no reason, he'd ask how your mum is. 1330 00:54:55,045 --> 00:54:57,245 "How's your mum? Is she alright, though, yeah?" 1331 00:54:57,365 --> 00:54:59,085 -"She's cool, man." -"God bless her soul." 1332 00:54:59,165 --> 00:55:01,125 "God bless her soul"? She's not fucking dead, bruv. 1333 00:55:01,205 --> 00:55:02,805 Why you blessing her soul, bruv? 1334 00:55:04,205 --> 00:55:06,725 What I liked about these geezers, they were straight-talking guys. 1335 00:55:06,805 --> 00:55:08,685 Sometimes though, they'd say phrases 1336 00:55:08,845 --> 00:55:10,845 that made no sense but sounded good. 1337 00:55:11,045 --> 00:55:12,005 You seen these guys? 1338 00:55:12,325 --> 00:55:13,285 "Listen, bruv, 1339 00:55:14,045 --> 00:55:15,365 if I put it in the oven... 1340 00:55:16,285 --> 00:55:17,885 it's gotta be cooked, know what I mean?" 1341 00:55:17,965 --> 00:55:18,845 [laughter] 1342 00:55:19,725 --> 00:55:22,205 Bruv, we're not making oven chips, what you talking about? 1343 00:55:23,245 --> 00:55:24,725 But they were proper geezers. 1344 00:55:24,805 --> 00:55:26,805 I used to play football with these guys, 1345 00:55:26,885 --> 00:55:28,965 and we had all types of geezers in our group. 1346 00:55:29,045 --> 00:55:31,165 We had a black geezer, his name was Tony. 1347 00:55:31,245 --> 00:55:35,045 Now, a backstory of my football team: half of us were black, half were white. 1348 00:55:35,125 --> 00:55:37,805 We had this guy, Tony, the white guys in the football team 1349 00:55:37,885 --> 00:55:38,845 used to call this guy 1350 00:55:39,245 --> 00:55:40,365 'Black Tony.' 1351 00:55:40,445 --> 00:55:41,805 [audience laughs] 1352 00:55:41,885 --> 00:55:43,965 There's not even another Tony in the group! 1353 00:55:47,125 --> 00:55:49,045 But these guys were straight-talkers, man. 1354 00:55:49,125 --> 00:55:51,565 Ah man, the most honest people. Sometimes too honest. 1355 00:55:51,725 --> 00:55:55,805 For example, they were the kind of guys, let's say they see a lady that they like, 1356 00:55:55,885 --> 00:55:57,805 perhaps she's got nice breasts, right? 1357 00:55:58,085 --> 00:56:01,005 These guys can use any word to describe these breasts. 1358 00:56:01,085 --> 00:56:02,565 Don't even need a 'breast' word. 1359 00:56:02,645 --> 00:56:04,645 My man, can you give me any random word? 1360 00:56:04,725 --> 00:56:06,325 Don't think of a 'breast' word. 1361 00:56:06,405 --> 00:56:07,845 Look at his face, "Jugs. 1362 00:56:07,925 --> 00:56:11,445 Melons. Tits. Tits. Big fat tits." 1363 00:56:12,005 --> 00:56:13,085 [Mo chuckles] 1364 00:56:13,245 --> 00:56:16,205 Just give me the most random-est thing, object. 1365 00:56:16,325 --> 00:56:17,165 What you got, my man? 1366 00:56:17,445 --> 00:56:18,445 -[people call out] -Tires. 1367 00:56:18,525 --> 00:56:19,365 [Mo] Tires? 1368 00:56:21,805 --> 00:56:23,365 [nasal voice] "Fucking hell, Dave. 1369 00:56:23,925 --> 00:56:25,525 Look at her fucking tires. 1370 00:56:26,005 --> 00:56:26,845 Wouldn't mind leaving 1371 00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:28,285 skid marks on that." 1372 00:56:28,405 --> 00:56:29,325 [raucous laughter] 1373 00:56:29,845 --> 00:56:31,165 [Mo laughs] 1374 00:56:33,485 --> 00:56:37,405 -[Mo laughs heartily] -[laughter] 1375 00:56:38,365 --> 00:56:39,205 Nah. 1376 00:56:39,285 --> 00:56:41,925 -Bare people wanted me to fail, you know! -[laughter] 1377 00:56:42,325 --> 00:56:45,165 -"Go on, Mr. Coupla Cans. Go on!" -[laughter] 1378 00:56:45,925 --> 00:56:46,805 [Mo laughs] 1379 00:56:47,365 --> 00:56:48,925 Sometimes, they were too honest. 1380 00:56:49,005 --> 00:56:50,205 They were too honest. 1381 00:56:50,285 --> 00:56:52,085 'Cause we'd celebrate our season. 1382 00:56:52,525 --> 00:56:54,365 We'd go for a meal, then to a club. 1383 00:56:54,445 --> 00:56:56,245 Once, one of the black guys was like, 1384 00:56:56,325 --> 00:56:58,725 "Yo, guys, we're gonna go to this club that plays 1385 00:56:58,845 --> 00:57:02,445 bashment, hip-hop, afrobeats. You guys wanna come along?" 1386 00:57:02,525 --> 00:57:03,645 This guy replies, 1387 00:57:03,725 --> 00:57:06,005 "Nah, mate. Don't like all that Jumanji music, son. 1388 00:57:06,085 --> 00:57:07,885 -Not for me, bruv." -[laughter] 1389 00:57:08,205 --> 00:57:09,445 [Mo chuckles] 1390 00:57:09,525 --> 00:57:11,605 You know when it's so racist, you laugh a little bit. 1391 00:57:11,685 --> 00:57:13,445 -"Aha-- What the fuck?" -[laughter] 1392 00:57:13,845 --> 00:57:17,845 That's racist, bruv. Can't say that. You'll get punched up for saying that." 1393 00:57:17,925 --> 00:57:21,685 "Racist? Me? How can I be racist? Come on, I'm not racist. 1394 00:57:21,885 --> 00:57:23,045 How can I be racist? 1395 00:57:23,205 --> 00:57:25,245 Got fucking black shoes on, I'm not racist, bruv." 1396 00:57:25,365 --> 00:57:27,085 -[laughter] -"Trust me, bruv. 1397 00:57:27,165 --> 00:57:29,765 My mum's neighbor's black, I can't be racist, bruv." 1398 00:57:30,725 --> 00:57:33,005 [giggles] They'd always tell some random lie. 1399 00:57:33,085 --> 00:57:34,925 Unprovoked. No reason. Yeah? 1400 00:57:35,045 --> 00:57:36,925 "Listen, Mo, listen to this, bruv. 1401 00:57:37,645 --> 00:57:39,885 My old man's from Jamaica, swear to you." 1402 00:57:39,965 --> 00:57:40,845 [laughter] 1403 00:57:41,245 --> 00:57:43,085 "I swear, my old man's Jamaican. 1404 00:57:43,165 --> 00:57:45,685 I swear to you, he's from Jamaica." 1405 00:57:47,125 --> 00:57:48,445 "What part of Jamaica?" 1406 00:57:48,845 --> 00:57:51,525 "I don't fucking know, St. Lucia? I don't know." 1407 00:57:51,605 --> 00:57:52,565 [raucous laughter] 1408 00:57:52,765 --> 00:57:55,405 "I wasn't fucking there with him, was I? Nosy cunt. 1409 00:57:55,485 --> 00:57:56,845 Wasn't fucking with him, was I?" 1410 00:57:57,325 --> 00:57:58,605 [Mo chuckles] 1411 00:57:59,005 --> 00:58:01,925 The beautiful thing is, when I started writing this show, 1412 00:58:02,005 --> 00:58:04,085 started performing it across the country, 1413 00:58:04,205 --> 00:58:05,445 and I realized, yeah? 1414 00:58:05,525 --> 00:58:07,725 Like, I understood my identity a little bit. 1415 00:58:07,845 --> 00:58:09,965 I'll never forget, one kid said to me, 1416 00:58:10,085 --> 00:58:11,325 growing up, one kid was like, 1417 00:58:11,405 --> 00:58:14,525 "Mo, you can't be British." I said, "Why's that?" 1418 00:58:14,605 --> 00:58:16,325 "You're black. You can't be British." 1419 00:58:16,605 --> 00:58:18,205 I said, "Listen, Jonathan, 1420 00:58:18,285 --> 00:58:20,605 your dad puts his fucking dick in a letterbox at Halloween, 1421 00:58:20,685 --> 00:58:22,965 -so don't tell me where I'm from, bruv." -[laughter] 1422 00:58:23,405 --> 00:58:24,965 'Cause there's some things that 1423 00:58:25,045 --> 00:58:26,085 only we do, yeah? 1424 00:58:26,365 --> 00:58:28,485 Only we do. For example, 1425 00:58:28,565 --> 00:58:30,205 if we was all in a pub right now, 1426 00:58:30,285 --> 00:58:32,045 or even just in this room, 1427 00:58:32,165 --> 00:58:33,925 and someone smashed a glass. 1428 00:58:34,485 --> 00:58:37,685 -In unison, we'd all go, "Waaaaaay!" -[audience] Waaaaay! 1429 00:58:37,765 --> 00:58:38,685 Yeah? 1430 00:58:38,765 --> 00:58:41,125 I went to the States, for the first time, yeah? 1431 00:58:41,285 --> 00:58:42,765 A guy smashed his glass. Me: 1432 00:58:42,845 --> 00:58:43,685 "Waaaaay!" 1433 00:58:43,765 --> 00:58:45,685 [US accent] "Hey buddy, why you shouting?" 1434 00:58:45,805 --> 00:58:46,685 [laughter] 1435 00:58:47,245 --> 00:58:49,245 "That's a health hazard, why would you do that? 1436 00:58:49,325 --> 00:58:50,885 -Why'd you do that?" -[laughter] 1437 00:58:50,965 --> 00:58:52,765 That's the thing, that's where I'm from, 1438 00:58:52,845 --> 00:58:55,445 that's all I've ever known. If I get trapped in a foreign country, 1439 00:58:55,605 --> 00:58:57,125 that's the embassy I'm gonna call. 1440 00:58:57,285 --> 00:58:59,485 I don't know no Jamaican embassy, to call them. 1441 00:58:59,565 --> 00:59:01,205 "Help! I've been kidnapped!" 1442 00:59:01,365 --> 00:59:03,685 -"Ah. Ah. Ahhh." -[laughter] 1443 00:59:03,805 --> 00:59:04,885 "Ah. 1444 00:59:04,965 --> 00:59:06,125 Ah." 1445 00:59:06,205 --> 00:59:08,485 [Mo chuckles] 1446 00:59:09,045 --> 00:59:11,005 Even the things, there's some things, 1447 00:59:11,085 --> 00:59:13,285 even, like, music. Our music is our own. 1448 00:59:13,365 --> 00:59:15,525 We got so many subcultures of our own music. 1449 00:59:15,805 --> 00:59:18,405 I remember I went to LA, for the first time, 1450 00:59:18,565 --> 00:59:21,605 this one guy was like, "Yo, baby, let me holla at you. 1451 00:59:21,845 --> 00:59:24,205 Let me holla at you, baby." I'm like, "I'm not a fucking baby. 1452 00:59:24,285 --> 00:59:25,485 Do I look like a baby, bruv? 1453 00:59:25,645 --> 00:59:27,685 How dare you, bruv? Do I watch In The Night Garden...? 1454 00:59:27,765 --> 00:59:29,525 -I'm a fucking badman!" -[laughter] 1455 00:59:30,565 --> 00:59:32,165 He said, "Oh my god! 1456 00:59:32,565 --> 00:59:35,925 Oh my god! You from London? 1457 00:59:36,405 --> 00:59:38,725 Don't you hate it when people say this?: 1458 00:59:38,805 --> 00:59:40,485 "You from London? Yeah. 1459 00:59:40,805 --> 00:59:41,925 I've been to Europe." 1460 00:59:42,005 --> 00:59:42,845 Europe? 1461 00:59:42,925 --> 00:59:43,805 [laughter] 1462 00:59:43,925 --> 00:59:46,325 Where did you go? London or Estonia? 1463 00:59:46,405 --> 00:59:48,045 -Where'd you go, bruv? -[laughter] 1464 00:59:49,685 --> 00:59:52,125 He say, "Ah, man. You got that music out there. 1465 00:59:52,285 --> 00:59:53,845 What's it called? Um... 1466 00:59:54,125 --> 00:59:55,005 the grime? 1467 00:59:55,165 --> 00:59:58,165 Oh, you got a dude. Oh, he fire on the mic. 1468 00:59:58,445 --> 00:59:59,925 He fire. What his name?" 1469 01:00:00,005 --> 01:00:02,685 So I'm listing off the names of really popular MCs, 1470 01:00:02,765 --> 01:00:05,485 so I'm like, "Oh, maybe it was Skepta?" 1471 01:00:05,565 --> 01:00:08,285 "Nah, man. It ain't no Skeptins." 1472 01:00:08,365 --> 01:00:10,765 I'm like, "It's not-- that's not what I said." 1473 01:00:10,845 --> 01:00:12,485 -[audience laughs] -[Mo chuckles] 1474 01:00:12,565 --> 01:00:15,565 -This is why you're selling CDs right now. -[laughter] 1475 01:00:15,645 --> 01:00:17,445 [chuckling] He's like, "Nah, it ain't him." 1476 01:00:17,525 --> 01:00:19,285 I'm like, "Maybe it was Stormzy?" 1477 01:00:19,365 --> 01:00:22,045 "Storm? What? Nah it ain't gonna rain, ain't no storm today, man. 1478 01:00:22,285 --> 01:00:23,125 Nah, man." 1479 01:00:23,205 --> 01:00:24,045 And he's like, "Ah! 1480 01:00:24,405 --> 01:00:28,085 That's the dude. Oh my god! He fire, man!" 1481 01:00:28,165 --> 01:00:29,365 I'm like, "What's his name?" 1482 01:00:29,445 --> 01:00:31,885 "Bruv, he crazy lyrical on the mic, man." 1483 01:00:31,965 --> 01:00:33,405 I'm like, "Bruv, what's his name?" 1484 01:00:33,485 --> 01:00:34,965 "Craig David." 1485 01:00:35,045 --> 01:00:36,525 [loud laughter] 1486 01:00:37,965 --> 01:00:41,725 I was like, "Nah. He does garage." 1487 01:00:41,805 --> 01:00:45,925 "What? He made it in seven days in the gar-age? Oh my god!" 1488 01:00:46,085 --> 01:00:47,245 [laughter] 1489 01:00:47,565 --> 01:00:49,525 That's the beautiful thing with old-school garage. 1490 01:00:49,605 --> 01:00:51,565 Old-school garage, I don't care what anyone says, 1491 01:00:51,645 --> 01:00:53,525 that's feel-good music. You're in a bad mood, 1492 01:00:53,605 --> 01:00:55,445 old-school garage puts you in a great mood, man. 1493 01:00:55,925 --> 01:00:57,765 We all remember old-school garage. 1494 01:00:57,845 --> 01:00:59,605 Can I get a little melody on the keys? 1495 01:00:59,685 --> 01:01:01,485 How nice is that? 1496 01:01:01,685 --> 01:01:03,045 Bibadib! 1497 01:01:03,125 --> 01:01:07,285 [laughs] Actually, can I get some drums, please? Like a 135 BPM 1498 01:01:07,365 --> 01:01:09,045 type of garage-type thing. 1499 01:01:10,805 --> 01:01:12,085 [audience cheers] 1500 01:01:13,165 --> 01:01:14,045 You know, 1501 01:01:14,125 --> 01:01:15,885 do you remember the garage singers? 1502 01:01:15,965 --> 01:01:18,245 They always had problems in relationships. 1503 01:01:18,325 --> 01:01:21,485 Every female garage singer, they'd always be like, 1504 01:01:21,725 --> 01:01:23,245 they'd be like... 1505 01:01:23,485 --> 01:01:24,845 ♪ Boy, you got me ♪ 1506 01:01:24,925 --> 01:01:27,525 ♪ Boy, got me. Mm, yeah, boy, yeah ♪ 1507 01:01:27,645 --> 01:01:28,605 ♪ You got me ♪ 1508 01:01:28,805 --> 01:01:30,125 ♪ You don't love me but you ♪ 1509 01:01:30,205 --> 01:01:31,885 ♪ Mm, boy, mm, yeah ♪ 1510 01:01:31,965 --> 01:01:33,645 ♪ Boy, yeah you got me but you-- ♪ 1511 01:01:33,725 --> 01:01:35,885 ♪ No... yeah, b-boy ♪ 1512 01:01:35,965 --> 01:01:38,085 Then, can I get some bass, please? 1513 01:01:38,165 --> 01:01:40,725 -Can I get some bass? -[bass guitar starts] 1514 01:01:41,285 --> 01:01:42,125 Yeah. 1515 01:01:42,725 --> 01:01:44,245 Now, my favorite MC, yeah? 1516 01:01:44,685 --> 01:01:46,805 Was, like, those smooth geezer MCs, 1517 01:01:46,885 --> 01:01:49,405 yeah, because they jump on the mic smooth as well. 1518 01:01:49,485 --> 01:01:53,005 ♪ It's a lyrical sound for the geezer Geezer geezer geezer geezer ♪ 1519 01:01:53,085 --> 01:01:56,365 ♪ It's a lyrical sound for the geezer Geezer geezer geezer geezer ♪ 1520 01:01:56,485 --> 01:01:58,285 ♪ It's a lyrical sound for the geezer ♪ 1521 01:01:58,365 --> 01:02:00,005 ♪ Geezer geezer geezer geezer ♪ 1522 01:02:00,085 --> 01:02:02,005 ♪ It's a lyrical sound for the geez-- ♪ 1523 01:02:02,125 --> 01:02:03,925 Then they'd come in with some lyrics as well, 1524 01:02:04,005 --> 01:02:06,405 ♪ It's a lyrical sound for the geezer See this song, love? ♪ 1525 01:02:06,485 --> 01:02:09,005 ♪ It'll never chart Leave it out and a... at the start ♪ 1526 01:02:09,085 --> 01:02:10,605 ♪ Julie, we love the bloodclaat ♪ 1527 01:02:10,685 --> 01:02:12,285 ♪ I said, Julie We love the bloodclaat ♪ 1528 01:02:12,365 --> 01:02:14,085 ♪ See Julie She won't desert me ♪ 1529 01:02:14,165 --> 01:02:15,965 ♪ She won't walk in my life And then hurt me ♪ 1530 01:02:16,045 --> 01:02:17,765 ♪ Won't walk out my life Like Van Persie ♪ 1531 01:02:17,845 --> 01:02:21,285 ♪ We like a bloodclaat tune à la 'Mercy' We like a bloodclaat tune à la 'Mercy' ♪ 1532 01:02:21,365 --> 01:02:23,085 ♪ We like the bloodclaat tune À la 'Mercy' ♪ 1533 01:02:23,165 --> 01:02:28,285 ♪ I'll never do you like Ghost done Tasha I'll never do you like Ghost done Tasha ♪ 1534 01:02:28,365 --> 01:02:30,125 ♪ Grime? 'Cause I'm the pum-pum masher ♪ 1535 01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:31,805 ♪ The pum-pum masher The pum-pum masher ♪ 1536 01:02:31,885 --> 01:02:33,525 ♪ Masher, masher I'm the pum-pum masher ♪ 1537 01:02:33,605 --> 01:02:35,205 ♪ Pum-pum masher, Pum-pum masher ♪ 1538 01:02:35,285 --> 01:02:37,085 ♪ Mash up the pum I'm the pum-pum masher ♪ 1539 01:02:37,165 --> 01:02:38,645 ♪ See me, mate I'm a top geezer ♪ 1540 01:02:38,725 --> 01:02:40,365 ♪ Get two cans Chuck 'em in the freezer ♪ 1541 01:02:40,445 --> 01:02:41,845 ♪ Get two cans For Sally and Lisa ♪ 1542 01:02:41,925 --> 01:02:43,765 ♪ Get two cans For Sally and Lisa ♪ 1543 01:02:43,845 --> 01:02:45,485 ♪ 'Uckin' hell! Ah! Ah! ♪ 1544 01:02:45,565 --> 01:02:47,125 ♪ Uckin' hell! You slag! ♪ 1545 01:02:47,205 --> 01:02:48,805 ♪ 'Uckin' hell! Ah ah! ♪ 1546 01:02:48,885 --> 01:02:50,405 ♪ Uckin' hell! Listen! ♪ 1547 01:02:50,485 --> 01:02:52,205 ♪ When I say "Get a couple" You say "Cans" ♪ 1548 01:02:52,285 --> 01:02:54,045 -♪ Get a couple! ♪ -♪ Cans! ♪ 1549 01:02:54,125 --> 01:02:55,685 ♪ I say "Get a couple" You say "Cans" ♪ 1550 01:02:55,765 --> 01:02:57,325 -♪ Get a couple! ♪ -♪ Cans! ♪ 1551 01:02:57,405 --> 01:02:58,925 ♪ I'm the guy says Get a couple cans! ♪ 1552 01:02:59,005 --> 01:03:00,765 ♪ For the supporters, for the fans ♪ 1553 01:03:00,845 --> 01:03:02,405 ♪ For the guys in the Adidas Dames ♪ 1554 01:03:02,485 --> 01:03:04,165 ♪ For the guys who ain't got no plans ♪ 1555 01:03:04,245 --> 01:03:06,285 ♪ For guys on the weekend Who go to their mum's ♪ 1556 01:03:06,365 --> 01:03:07,485 ♪ Then go to their nan's ♪ 1557 01:03:07,565 --> 01:03:09,205 ♪ These geezers ain't go no friends ♪ 1558 01:03:09,285 --> 01:03:10,885 ♪ These geezers ain't go no fans, like ♪ 1559 01:03:10,965 --> 01:03:12,085 ♪ Get a couple Get a couple ♪ 1560 01:03:12,165 --> 01:03:14,285 ♪ Yeah! Get a couple Get a couple. You slag! ♪ 1561 01:03:14,365 --> 01:03:16,045 ♪ Get a couple, Get a couple, yeah! ♪ 1562 01:03:16,125 --> 01:03:17,525 ♪ Get a couple Get a couple, you-- ♪ 1563 01:03:17,605 --> 01:03:19,885 ♪ When I say "Get a" You say "Couple" ♪ 1564 01:03:19,965 --> 01:03:21,165 -♪ Get a ♪ -♪ Couple ♪ 1565 01:03:21,245 --> 01:03:23,045 ♪ When I say "Get a" You say "Couple" ♪ 1566 01:03:23,125 --> 01:03:24,645 -♪ Get a ♪ -♪ Couple ♪ 1567 01:03:24,725 --> 01:03:26,285 ♪ Olly, Olly, Olly! ♪ 1568 01:03:26,365 --> 01:03:28,005 [audience] ♪ Oi, Oi, OI! ♪ 1569 01:03:28,085 --> 01:03:29,765 ♪ We say, "Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh" ♪ 1570 01:03:30,005 --> 01:03:31,525 [audience] ♪ Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh ♪ 1571 01:03:31,605 --> 01:03:33,085 ♪ Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh ♪ 1572 01:03:33,165 --> 01:03:34,845 [audience] ♪ Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh ♪ 1573 01:03:34,925 --> 01:03:36,565 Thank you guys for coming! 1574 01:03:36,645 --> 01:03:38,325 -Take care! Goodnight. -[rapturous applause] 1575 01:03:38,485 --> 01:03:40,245 Appreciate it, thank you so much. 1576 01:03:40,325 --> 01:03:42,325 -[applause continues] -[music continues] 1577 01:03:48,565 --> 01:03:50,565 [funky music]