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[garage-style music]
[thunderous applause]
[energetic music]
[loud cheering]
Hey!
Hey! Yay!
[chanting] ♪ Olly, Olly, Olly! ♪
♪ Oi, Oi, Oi! ♪
♪ We say, "Olly, Olly, Olly!" ♪
[audience] ♪ Oi, Oi, Oi! ♪
♪ We say, "Oh, Oh, Oh!" ♪
[audience] ♪ Oh, Oh, Oh! ♪
♪ Olly, Olly, Oh! ♪
[audience] ♪ Olly, Olly, Oh! ♪
[music ends]
-Yeah! How we doing, you alright? -[audience cheers]
-[Mo chuckles] -[wolf whistles]
Lovely to see everybody here.
Single ladies in the house, make some noise.
[women cheer]
[Mo] Okay.
Some girls, they don't know, they're a bit unsure.
[Mo laughs]
Some girls are looking at their girl:
"Hold on but, you went to-- What?! Since when?"
[laughter]
Looking at single guys in the room:
"Where? Which ones? Where? Where? Where?
Where?"
Ah, it's lovely to be here though, man.
'Cause you see with comedy, yeah?
Doing this stand-up stuff,
I always felt like I get my comedy from my mum's side.
My mum's a very bubbly, humorous person as well.
Actually, are there any mums in tonight? Any mums?
[women cheering]
"Finished the school run, boy?
-Go on, fucking go play, then." -[raucous laughter]
[Mo laughs]
But I'll be honest, yeah?
Some mums are dickheads, innit. Some mums...
-[loud laughter] -...are dickheads.
Look at that one mum right now:
"I'm a dickhead? Okay.
This'll be on TripAdvisor, how about that?
How's that for a 'dickhead'?"
[laughter]
Nah. But what it is, yeah,
growing up, mums used to do dickhead things.
Every mum done dickhead things.
You don't even know it. Look at mums now:
"Well, tell us!
What about giving birth, was that a 'dickhead' thing?"
-[laughter] -[Mo laughs]
For example, when I was a kid, right?
You know when you had to go shopping with your mum.
My mum always did a small, mid-week shop, right?
And when you go shopping, you want things, too.
Everyone's sneaked items in the basket, we've all done that.
Remember sneaking items in the basket?
"Achoo!" Just throw something in,
-you know. -[laughter]
But sometimes, there was genuine things
that you wanted in this basket: healthy options.
You know, I remember--
Remember those small selections of cereal?
-Remember those, yeah? -[audience] Yeah!
You know, you'd pick them up, yeah?
You'd do that classic mum call
when you want something when you're a kid.
You'd be like,
[quietly] "Mum."
[laughter]
[quietly] "Mama."
[laughter]
"Can we, Mum? Please can we?"
And this is why I say, growing up, yeah,
my mum was a Champion League dickhead. Do you know why, yeah?
My mum didn't even look at the item!
Y'know when she didn't even look--
"No. You can put that right back, Mister."
"Ah, fucking hell! This dickhead woman, man. What the hell?
Dickhead, man." [sucks teeth]
[audience laughter]
"Look at you, man..." [sucks teeth]
-"With your fat ankles, chatting shit." -[raucous laughter]
[Mo giggling]
Ha! Everyone's mum's got fat ankles, don't try it, bruv.
-[laughter] -[Mo chuckles]
"Nah, not my mum."
Your mum's got the 'cankles' as well, innit.
-[laughter] -[Mo chuckles]
The beautiful thing about a family, yeah?
Our families all in this room are uniquely different.
Your family is different from yours.
Yours is different from yours.
But everybody's got that one auntie.
At a wedding, yeah? We all know that auntie.
She's always got real-life problems
going on in her life.
Yeah? She's depressed, alcoholic,
got alopecia.
-Something is going on... -[laughter]
...in her life, yeah?
Now, over here on the dance floor,
you've got kids at weddings, yeah? Personally,
-fuck these little kids, innit. -[laughter]
They're always running round,
sliding... in the way.
And there's the one mum, can't enjoy herself,
keeps telling off the kid:
[shouting] "Listen! Stop sliding!
Stop sliding!"
[panting] "No, Mum.
Mum." [panting]
"No, Mum, I just ate, Mum.
I'm just playing with my new cousin--"
"You don't even know that kid!
You only met him today!
Could be a pedophile, you don't know him!"
[laughter]
And you know when--
You know when your mum gets so mad,
she talks to herself, you seen mums do that?
"He's still running, I'm gonna fucking kill him.
He's still going. What's he running for? I'm gonna fucking kill him."
But you see, over here, yeah? Over here...
You've got your uncle, right?
Now, what it is,
he's actually your cousin but he's over 50,
so you call him 'uncle.'
[chuckling] You guys have that guy, too?
'Cause you know your young cousins, yeah?
You're like, "Yo, what you saying, cuz?!
Man, like, you-- What? FIFA? Oi, I'm gonna batter you on FIFA!"
See your uncle try and get involved:
"You lot still playing the cricket?"
"Who the fuck plays cricket? What you on about?"
[laughing] "Shut up, Winston."
-[Mo laughs] -[laughter]
Now, in everyone's family, there's always that weird uncle.
You've seen him in the club,
you know, guys gotta do your rounds.
But you've seen the pervy guy, the bar is over here
but this guy's not gonna go that way.
-"Sorry, excuse me, coming through... -[laughter]
...Excuse me. Can you move out the way, please?
Excuse me."
[sexual groans]
Urgh! You know he's got dirty fingernails and that. Urrrgh!
[laughing] Try and offer you a biscuit at work:
-"Nah, I'm allergic... -[laughter]
...to biscuits." [chuckles]
Then, over here, you have my favorite member of the family:
it's dads.
Now dads always wanna complete their night
by having a dance with their daughter.
But we all know dads drink too much,
end up spoiling the party,
and revealing a family secret
that no one ever knew about, yeah?
This... is everybody's family, yeah?
-[funky drums] -So your auntie's over here...
[funk music]
...doing that same auntie dance that all aunties do.
And you know your auntie, yeah?
She thinks she's, like, a backing singer of a band,
starts moving her shoulders.
[laughter]
[music gets funkier]
You know when aunties are pissed off?
They do that fake smile? You seen the fake auntie smile?
But then they get weirdly bipolar and just insult you for no reason.
[mouths words]
Then over here you got kids at weddings.
Now, you see kids nowadays, they can't dance, right?
So kids will be on the dance floor clashing each other like this.
[laughter]
And they're so serious with this new dance, yeah?
[laughter]
Then over here, you've got your uncle, yeah?
But he's your pervy uncle. He is so pervy,
if you blink, you'll miss it, right?
[funky music continues]
[mouthing words]
[raucous laughter]
[Mo laughs heartily]
[laughing] "I'm only joking!...
...I'm not joking."
Over here, you got dads. Remember dads?
They do everything. Dads will dance with the little kids:
"Fantastic, Abigail!
Ha ha ha. Nah, you're the best dancer I've ever seen!
Okay. [groaning] Oh, I'm coming down. Okay.
D'you wanna go sit with your mummy now?
No? You wanna keep dancing.
-Ah, for fuck's sake." -[laughter]
They'll drink a bit more, get involved with the band.
"Fucking hell.
I can fucking do this.
Could have been in UB-fucking-40, mate. Here we go."
[tuneless notes]
"Fucking...
Fucking twat."
[laughter]
Then they'll try and dance with their daughter.
[mouthing words]
"What do you mean I'll embarrass you? I'm your fucking dad.
Come and have a dance.
You what? What do you mean-- Cut the fucking music.
Cut the music off, or no one's fucking getting paid!"
[music stops]
"I said, come and have a dance with your fucking--
You what? What do you mean, I'm fucking spoiling the party, Debbie?
I paid for this fucking party!
If I wanna have a dance with my daughter, I'll dance with my-- you what?!
You giving and all, Sharon? You know what?
You can fuck off, you know that love?
No! Every year: shit Christmas and your stupid haircut.
What? "I'm drunk"?
Don't you talk about drunk, Tony,
you've been an alcoholic for fucking 40 years.
Drunk? Oh, I'm spoiling the party am I?
I'm spoiling the party?
Your cousin's on the dance floor with his fucking knob out,
but I'm spoiling the fucking party, am I, Tony?
How about this for spoiling the party?
She's not even my daughter, anyway. Fuck the lot of you."
[laughter]
"Here, Sharon, can I get that lift though, yeah?
That lift still going?"
-[audience laughs] -[Mo chuckles]
You've been seeing all this unfold.
[laughs] You're at the back, like:
[slurps] "This family's fucked, bruv. Oh my god!"
-[audience laughs] -[Mo laughs]
My mum's the bubbly one, out of my parents.
She's the fun one, the cool one.
My dad, he's more serious, you know.
My dad is a Rastafarian as well.
You know, a proper [Jamaican accent] Rastaman as well.
He's got the Rastaman walk.
Rastafarians, they walk slow, you know? [laughs]
You don't rush to Babylon, you take your time.
[audience laughs]
[Mo chuckles]
No one in this room has seen a Rastafarian in a rush.
You ain't never seen it.
-"Babylon, Babylon, Babylon!" -[laughter]
Haven't seen this, man.
But my dad's cool, man. Takes it all in his stride.
He'd be on Brixton High Street, back in the day,
not new Brixton:
quinoa and avocados.
Old-school Brixton,
yeah? He'd be on the High Street, his dreadlocks out.
Even the way that my dad dressed, would be different.
'Cause my dad would be wearing military gear, you know?
-Just looking like Predator, for free. -[laughter]
"The fuck you doing, Dad?"
[Mo chuckles]
My dad would be bopping, I'd be holding his hand,
and he'd see one of his Rastafarian bredrins.
And when Rastafarians see other Rastafarians,
they have a greeting only Rastafarians say.
My dad would be like:
"Y'alright?...
[audience laughs]
...Irie."
Only Rastafarians can really say that.
Not one of your random neighbors:
"Morning, irie, Jah bless, have a great day."
[audience laughs]
Even how my dad would greet one of his female friends
would be different.
He'd be on the High Street,
he'd see one of his female Rastafarian friends:
"Y'alright,
Empress?"
[laughter]
Look at some women in the crowd: "Empress, that's lovely, innit?!
Fuck, Steve calls me 'slag' and I thought that was nice!"
[Mo laughing]
I understand.
It's not easy raising kids.
Sometimes it's easier putting an iPad in front of them and stuff,
but some of these kids' programs don't even make any sense.
They've got this one program, this one character's walked out of a tree.
He walked out of a tree, and he's like:
-"Bing- bing, bing-bing!" -[laughter]
And the characters reply like they know what he's talking about:
"Ming ming ming mung?"
What's this program called again?!
[woman] In the Night Garden.
In the Night Garden...
Who the fuck goes in the garden at night, for anything?
I see some of you laughing as well,
don't act like-- when you got your little children, and they're like:
"Oh, daddy, can you read me the story? Read me the story."
[deep voice] "Erm... Um...
Erm... Um... [sucks teeth]
So, Flow-- Fl-- Fl--" [sucks teeth]
[raucous laughter]
-"So, Flowertots... -[laughter]
...Said to the great man."
[high voice] "What did he say, Dad? Do the voices!"
[laughter]
[silly voice] "Min-min-moong min-ming moong!"
-[laughter] -[Mo laughs]
[Mo laughs heartily]
You get these roadguys: "Don't laugh, I don't care, bruv.
I'll punch up your little nursery friends you know, fam?"
[Mo laughs]
'Cause the thing is, you can laugh at these moments, yeah?
There's nothing better than sharing nostalgia with friends,
especially now as an adult,
'cause at the time it wasn't all fun, like getting beats. It wasn't fun.
But you can laugh at it now, reminisce.
I remember the weird stage where my mum would beat me,
and it didn't hurt anymore.
So I had to pretend it still hurt,
"Ouch! Ah! Uh-huh uh-huh..."
[fake crying turns into laughter]
-[laughing continues] -[audience laughs]
"Get out of my room, man, with your fat ankles, man."
-[Mo laughs] -[laughter]
My mum got smart, though. Started upgrading. Started using weapons.
What?!
I'd get a belt.
I thought everyone got the belt as their weapon of choice.
I thought this.
A friend said recently,
"So, you didn't get the wire from the net curtain?"
What?! The wire. From the net curtain.
You know how much effort it is to take down a net curtain wire?
You gotta take it out the little stupid hole,
the other stupid hole, you try to pull it out,
the hook's caught on the net.
Whole neighborhood can see you getting beats as well.
[laughter]
Mum's doing the Insanity just to discipline you.
[Mo chuckles]
And that's the thing, 'cause when you grow up,
I realize having a dad that was Rastafarian,
things I thought was normal, wasn't normal.
Like nursery rhymes, you guys take for granted.
Not me, when your dad's a Rastafarian
your nursery rhymes will sound a little bit like this...
[band plays Caribbean style music]
[Jamaican accent] Yo!
Me gonna tell ya some Real Rastaman nursery rhymes.
Right about now. It's bloodclaat, bloodclaat.
Bloodclaat, bloodclaat.
♪ Jack and Jill Go up on de hill ♪
♪ Yes! To fetch a bucketa some wa-ter ♪
♪ He feed his daughter He feed his daughter ♪
♪ Yes! Because she thirsty ♪
♪ Now we say tree blind mice ♪
♪ Tree blind mice Come on, look for de cheese ♪
♪ But they can't find de slice Hey! ♪
♪ No cheese fi dem, fi dem, fi dem Hey! ♪
♪ Because dey lactose in-tol-er-ant Now me say ♪
♪ Old MacDonalds, 'Im have a farm ♪
♪ It is a... ganja farm! ♪
♪ Me say, ganja farm Me say, ganja farm ♪
♪ Old MacDonald for de ganja farm ♪
[musical style changes] ♪ De wheels on de bus go round and round ♪
♪ Wheels on de bus go-- Me say ♪
♪ Old Miss Muffet ♪
♪ Sat on de tuffet Old Miss Muffet ♪
♪ She said "Fuck it" ♪
♪ Me say, baa baa black sheep Baa baa black sheep ♪
♪ Discrimination for dat Baa baa black sheep ♪
♪ A Peppa Pig A black Peppa Pig ♪
♪ You don't know me With a Peppa Pig, and me say ♪
♪ Baby John! ♪
♪ Baby John! Baby--♪ [starts laughing]
[Mo laughs]
[raucous laughter]
[Mo laughs]
[starts coughing]
Ah shit!
[laughing and coughing]
Did you see how low I went for Baby John?
Did you see how low?
[laughs hysterically]
Ha! I thought I was Vybz Kartel, I was like,
♪ Baby John! Baby-- ♪
But you know what, yeah?
I always have to praise my dad,
because you see my dad, my dad was very much like--
'cause when I was in school, I was dyslexic,
right.
Wow, look how quiet it got, oh my gosh.
[audience chuckles]
Some of you are like: "Oh my god, he's dyslexic?
Oh, gosh!
He can't play Scrabble!"
[laughter]
Some of you guys there:
"That explains the bad Instagram captions, I've seen it, he can't see it.
It's not 'they.' It's 'theirrrrr.'
-[laughter] -[Mo chuckles]
-It's not 'your.' It's 'you'rrre.'" -[laughter]
-The Grammar Police are here, boy. -[woman laughs loudly]
Ready to put commas and full stops where needed.
The beautiful thing about having a dad like that--
'Cause I was dyslexic.
You know, but I think for me, I was always a bit of a class clown.
I got on with everyone. I got on with the really smart kids.
And the school bullies as well. Remember the school bully?
Yeah? Remember that guy?
Strongest guy in your year group.
What? No one could mess with this guy.
Remember when he got his comeuppance?
You'd be in English lesson,
the teacher would say: [high voice] "Oh,
if you could read the next paragraph."
[laughter]
"T t t ta-he? T...
[laughter]
T-t-t-t-t-ee...
T-ee.
Ta-ta... [sucks teeth]
Shut up, bro. Bang on your face, bro. You mad, bruv?
Are you mad, bruv?"
[laughter]
"Tee-- Tee tee--"
Remember someone in class who'd had enough?
They just had enough. They just wanted to learn.
Remember that one kid, that was like:
[shouting] "Bruv!
The word is 'the'!
Not 't-hee,' bruv!"
This guy can now not believe
someone has had the courage to disrespect him.
He can't believe it.
He'd even announce he's getting mad.
"I'm not gonna lie, I'm getting mad now, bruv.
Getting mad, bruv. Gonna start banging everyone in their face.
Are you mad, bruv? I'll kill everyone in this school tonight, bruv."
You're gonna kill everyone in this school? Even the caretaker? What did he do?
He didn't do anything, bruv!
"Nah, I'm getting mad, bruv. I'll bang on your face."
There was always a girl in everyone's class,
she wasn't scared of no one.
She had all the brothers, as well.
Man, like, 'Younger GBH,' she wasn't scared of no one!
She'd just say it to him, she'd be like:
"But why you crying for, though?
-You big baby!" -[laughter]
This guy can now not believe
two people has just disrespected him.
He can't. And you know he's gonna get mad.
Remember when he'd flip a table? Floop! That's it--
You're like, shit, it's kicking off. He's flipped the table.
"I'm getting mad, bruv." People try and calm him down:
"Bruv, why you vexed?"
-"I'm getting mad. Shut up, bruv." -"Relax. Calm down."
Now, there's always kids, right, with behavioral problems,
that's not funny.
But this particular little kid was just a little shit.
That's all he was, yeah? Getting mad for no reason.
-"Nah, I'm getting vexed." -"Why you getting so mad?"
"Why you getting so mad?"
"My auntie died seven years ago and I'm still mad about it.
My favorite auntie. Are you a wreck, cuz?
Patrice! Are you mad, cuz?"
[laughter]
Now, he had a rule, right. He would fight guys.
But he wouldn't fight girls, know what he'd do?
-He'd throw a chair at them. -[laughter]
He'd throw a chair, he don't care.
You all remember that kid looking for his favorite chair.
"You mad?" Looking for his chair,
he'd have his ride-or-die boy who'd try and calm him down.
Shorter than him, and his name's, like, Mustafa.
Or something like that. Mustafa would be like:
[nasal voice] "Nah, bruv, allow it, man. Allow da fighting ting, bruv.
Nah seriously, allow all that, man!"
Mustafa's so small he's like: "Nah, allow it, man!
Allow it, man! Listen to me, bruv!
You gotta listen to what I'm sayin', bruv.
'Cause you're gonna get detentions, bruv!"
Man, people are laughing--
"Why you laugh-- Why you lot laughing at my guy?
Don't laugh at my guy, you know.
Nah, don't laugh! Bruv,
relax, calm down, bruv."
Little, smart Peter,
who never gets involved in the banter, he's like:
[panting rapidly]
"Peter, why you laugh at my guy? I'll stab you in the eye with a protractor,
don't laugh at my guy."
He's getting mad, he finds his favorite chair.
He's just about to throw the chair at her.
But... you know the person who'd come and save the day?
Yeah?
Sometimes, in his lesson he'd sit with his helper. Yeah?
[laughter]
Her name was Pippa.
Yeah, she was like this big,
she'd put her life, on the line, for danger.
She'd put her life on the line, she'd run in, she'd be like:
"Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
-[posh voice] No! No! Nooooooo! -[laughter]
Nooo!
-Noooo!" -[laughter]
"Put the chair down.
No! Put it down.
Come on, hold my hand!
Come on, it's okay. It's alright.
Come on, you can come in my office. Come on.
Come on, you can go on the computer. You like the computer.
[chuckling] You can go on Paint! Do you like Paint?"
What?! Do you remember how sick Paint was? Oh my gosh!
[laughter]
"Man is doing a green spray can, are you alright, cuz?"
-[laughter] -[Mo chuckles]
"Man's gonna print that in color, are you alright, cuz?
That's my tag there, you know?
'Younger Iceman.'"
What?!
[Mo laughs]
One of the kids I sat next to
was this guy called Masood, and I loved Masood,
'cause he was one of the smartest kids in our whole school.
Yeah, really smart guy. Masood never lost it.
He never lost his temper. Only once,
he lost his temper.
When someone cussed him. Not even that, they cussed his mum.
What? You had to--
Kids didn't care, they'd come up to you,
wouldn't say anything about you, they'd be like: "Your mum!"
That's it! "Your mum!"
Remember the one kid who'd hype it up?
"Oooh!
Myyy!
Daaaaays!
Nah! Man cussed your mum, you know?!
Nah!
Bruv, are you gonna have that, bruv, on a Wednesday?! Nah!
Bruv, your mum had a cesarian for this disrespect?
Nah, bruv. If that was me,
I would fight, man, you know?"
You had to be ready! And Masood wasn't ready for this.
The thing with Masood is, he couldn't cuss.
I'd never seen Masood lose his temper, only once, he lost it.
You know? He switched into Asian roadman-mode so quick.
Masood used to do this thing. When he got mad,
he'd do this thing with his hands.
Someone cussed his mum, Masood's like: "Huh? What?"
[laughter]
[Asian accent] "What you say to me?"
[laughter]
"So, you're cussing my mum, yeah?"
[laughter]
"Listen, John, yeah?
When I see your dad, yeah?
I'm going to suck his dick, innit!"
[laughter]
Don't make no sense, does it?
You'd have to intervene in a cuss:
"Big man, that don't make no sense. Makes no sense.
That's what you wanna do, but come back bigger than that."
[laughter]
'Cause Masood was super smart, yeah? I always sat next to him.
The thing is, when you're dyslexic,
like, for me, it wasn't that I couldn't read or write,
it was my concentration.
My concentration affected my education.
So, let's say, you're Masood, we're just talking.
We're not being disruptive, yeah?
Just talking. But everyone remembers
this particular type of teacher.
Where she'd see us talking and make a big deal out of it:
"Ah!
Ah!
Wah!
Waah!
We've got a conversation over there, children!
Yes! We've got a conversation over there.
No, no, no! Stand up."
Remember the classic line?
"Nah, but Miss, I'm not even doing anything."
[shouts] "That's right! You're doing nothing!"
[laughter]
"Now, stand up, I said!"
Remember someone would try to help you out?
Remember that one person would try and defend you?
"Nah, Miss, he wasn't even talking, I swear.
I'm sat next to him, he didn't say nuthin, he was doing his work, Miss.
I feel you're being prejudiced 'cause he's black.
He didn't say nuthin."
Remember the day your teacher just lost it?
Remember the day, your teacher just had enough
and just lost her stuff.
Remember she'd start loading up?
[voice shaking] "What?"
[laughter]
"What?"
[laughter]
"What?"
[laughter]
"You can fuck off!"
Remember teachers losing it?
"Everyone's talking!"
[laughter]
"No one's listening!"
And teacher's favorite line, teachers love saying this:
-"For crying out loud, children!" -[laughter]
"Now, you!
You fuck!
As you like to talk,
you can tell everybody in the class, what osmosis is.
No. Talk! Yes, because you like to talk!"
So, I was like: "Osmosis...
Osmosis, osmosis...
Osmosis...
Well... osmosis is actually the process
where a high concentration
goes into a low concentration.
Like if you put potatoes in water,
they expand with weight and density."
[sighs]
Anyway, as I was saying,
basically, like...
This teacher lost her mind.
Started shaking.
"How dare you?!
How dare you?!
In my lesson!"
They'd always say middle-class words you didn't understand.
"How dare you?! On the day of the Sabbath?!"
"The Sabb--
Sabbath?
It's Orange Wednesday. What's a Sabbath? How do I get it?"
"Do you know what? You can get out.
You can get out."
So, I walk towards the door,
on my way out, spudding the mandem,
-like that. -[laughter]
I thought, you know what? I've had enough.
I've had enough of being treated like this.
You know, feeling oppressed. 'Cause right now, I'm in Year 11.
Soon, I'm gonna leave. I'll be in college, making some real money, you know?
You know? Making some EMA.
I said, "Y'know what, Miss?
I'd actually be listening,
if you was doing
your job...
[laughter]
...which should be teaching."
The whole class simultaneously went:
"Ooooooooooooh!
My!
Daaaaaays!"
Listen, I walked out of that lesson, yeah,
like I was in slow motion.
[80s music starts]
[mouthing]
-[music stops] -[Mo laughs]
[cheering]
[Mo laughs]
[laughs] I was at the age, my mum would just ground me for anything.
Just anything. Sometimes, she'd just get home pissed off.
"Ay ay ay ay...
Grounded!" No reason, no explanation.
I remember hearing 'grounded' and just being stressed.
"Oh my gosh, Mum!
Oh my gosh, man!"
Remember that small rage you'd get?
"Fuc-- no, man!
Oh my gosh, Mum!"
Remember trying to explain to her, and she just wasn't having it?
"Oh my gosh, Mum. No, what I'm saying is, yeah--
No, I'm not shouting at you, I'm just trying to say what I'm saying.
Oh my gosh, no, Mum, plea--"
[sighing] I had to remix all my swear words.
"Ah, ship, man!"
[laughter]
"Bucking hell, man!
I said 'Bucking hell,' like Buckingham Palace but it's in hell--
Oh my god-- Mum, I'm not swearing!
Ah, whatever, man!
[laughter]
This finger doesn't even mean anything, Mum.
I'm praying to Jesus. That's where he lives, in heaven--
Oh my gosh." [panting]
Remember that cry, when your soul wanted to come out,
but your body said no. Remember that cry?
-[sobbing and panting] -[laughter]
Does anyone remember talking in 'cry'? Remember that?
"I f-- I f-fucking
ha-hate... this fu--"
-[panting] -[laughter]
"I f-fucking..." [sobbing and panting]
Remember saying twisted stuff about your family?
"I h-hope Satan takes my mum tomorrow.
[sobbing]
"And the demons can take my family away!"
[hysterical] "I'm gonna run away one day!"
[crying hysterically]
"Why do they do this to me?!" [laughs]
[Mo laughs]
You know how dumb I was growing up, yeah? [chuckles]
We lived in a ground floor flat, yeah?
Once, I stood in the window, like. [cry-panting]
-[audience laughs] -"I'm gonna jump."
[Mo laughs]
The coroner would have been like, "How did he die?"
-"Hay fever." -[laughter]
"First case ever."
You know as a kid, right?
All you lived for, was playing out.
That's all you wanted to do, is go and play out.
The thing is, I understand now you can't just let kids play out,
'cause you got things like pedophiles and stuff.
Back then, there weren't really pedophiles though.
There was just a weird guy in everyone's area.
Yeah?
Doing weird things for no reason.
Put his dick in a letterbox at Halloween, for no reason.
There was always a weird guy, Weird William. Remember him?
He'll go and touch it, start chasing people around the estate.
"Hey, man, move with your dick fingers, bruv!
I'll bang you in the face." [laughs]
All you lived for was playing out.
And you were smart, too, you'd say to a friend,
one of my best friends growing up was Adam,
I'd say, "Adam? Hey, listen, Adam, yeah?
[quietly] I'm gonna quickly go inside, yeah?
Look after my bike, yeah?
No, I'm coming back, yeah?
What? Yeah, I'll get you an ice-pole."
'Cause you knew the trick was, you'd leave something, right?
Because if you went back in for any reason,
you'd get captured. Yeah?
And your mum would say,
"No, you're in now.
It's not in and out, in and out.
It's not a hotel!"
[laughter]
So you'd have to leave something, right?
So you go into your house, right?
You put the latch on your door.
Be like, "Okay, cool."
Then you go into your kitchen, go straight to the fridge-freezer.
Now, the plan is to get two ice-poles,
I've opened the freezer, the ice-poles are there.
I'm like, "Fuck that, I'm taking nine ice-poles."
Take nine ice-poles. Then you think, "Oh my gosh,
Haven't been caught. I need one more thing
for my refreshment robbery package.
Ah, that's what I need: a sandwich."
Guys, I'm talking the old-school sandwich:
one slice of bread, butter, jam, and fold.
-Remember that sandwich? -[laughter]
Didn't have time to start cutting ham and cheese
and shit like that.
You didn't even put it in clingfilm!
You put it straight in your pocket, you didn't care, bruv!
Then you think, "Ah, I should go. I'm not to--
But I need one more thing to complete this package.
Ah! What do I need?
I need crisps, yeah?"
You didn't say them articulately like that,
you called 'em 'crips,' yeah?
[laughter]
You go in the cupboard-- thing is, crisps make a lot of noise.
But you can't just take any flavor and go,
you gotta find your flavors, you know? You're in there, looking for your flavors,
the 24 multi-pack of crisps, yeah?
Brrrrrrrrrrrr!
Ready Salted?
I'm not a pedophile, who the fuck eats those?
-[laughter] -Brrrrrrrrrrr!
And there they are...
-Prawn Cocktail. -[cheers and applause]
Now, it's time to go.
You're excited.
You're doing little dances on the lino in your kitchen,
-Ahhh! -[laughter]
"Oh my days!" Ooo, you're excited.
But as this robbery was taking place,
your mum,
was at the door, watching you the whole time.
Unannounced. Just looking at you, laughing.
You're excited.
You've got your robbery refreshment package. "Ahh!"
[pants excitedly]
[breathing deeply]
Now, when kids are caught in the act, they do this weird thing, right.
Where they play with one of their hands, right
They blink really heavy, right?
They can't answer questions, they just mumble. 'Cause, you know mums,
mums are smooth with it.
'Cause mums have seen the crime, yeah?
They just want the confession, yeah?
Mums will be like,
"What
are you doing?!"
"Um...
Um...
-Erm..." -[laughter]
Ever see when kids answer the question back?
"Um, w-what was I doing? Um."
[laughter]
"Erm, I wasn't d--" [laughs]
Ever see the bottom lip go?
-[sobbing] "I wasn't doing anything." -[laughter]
Your mum would use a trick question,
remember them trick questions your mum would ask you?
"Don't cry, 'cause I'll bust your little face."
-[laughter] -You don't know what to do now!
[stuttering] "Um, Mum, yeah?"
Remember trying to reason with your mum?
[sobbing] "Mum, yeah? Um,
c-can I just say something, yeah?
-Um..." -[laughter]
It was like your last confession 'cause you might not make it.
"Mum, yeah? Can I just say something, yeah?
What happened, yeah? Is I-I-I got an ice-pole, yeah?
And then I got a sandwich, yeah?
And then I-I-I fell over,
[sobbing] and then, a crisp fell in my pocket.
I-I didn't even want crisps."
And your mum's just had enough of your shit. Your mum's like,
[shouting] "Do I buy ice-poles
for other people's bloody children?!
For you and your trampy little friends on the estate?!"
"What?! My tra-- How dare you? That's Weird William.
-Are you alright?" -[laughter]
"Where was you when we were playing Forty Forty Home?
Where was you then, Mum?
How dare you?"
Now, when you play out, the one thing
that you really want, is some pocket money.
All you want is pocket money.
My mum was a single parent,
she couldn't afford pocket money, yeah?
I remember kids at school with pocket money, I was astonished.
"What?! You get pocket money?
For your pocket?"
[laughter]
"Ah, you guys are rich, boy!"
[laughter]
"Most probably got kitchen roll and toilet paper. Oh my gosh!"
[laughter]
"Guys are really living the dream over there. Shit, man!"
'Cause I couldn't even accept money from my own family.
I'd go to my nan's house,
you know how old people always give money away.
My nan would be like: "There you go, there's £20.
Buy some sweets."
What?
£20 to "buy some sweets"?
"I'll be off my face on E numbers. Are you alright, Nan?"
But watch my mum, with interception like Sol Campbell,
-"Ah, ah, ah!" -[laughter]
"I'll look after that, yeah?"
[laughter]
"If you wanna spend it, yeah? You can ask me, yeah?"
Does anyone here remember
when you found out that child benefit
was actually for you? Remember that lie?
-[laughter] -Remember that?
Remember looking at your mum differently, like, "You taking the piss?
You been buying Lambrini and fags this whole time?
I can't even get an Action Man magazine?"
[laughter]
But I'd still try.
I'd still try.
You gotta imagine, my mum was a single parent.
She worked at my school.
So my mum would work Monday to Friday.
Saturday: This is prime time playing-out time.
This is also my mum's weekly lie-in.
It's my only chance to try and get pocket money.
'Cause my mum's, like, sedated. She's kind of sedated. Yeah?
So I'm walking up to my mum's room.
Now, my mum had this dark, dark room.
It was so dark.
Like something out of a horror film. I'd approach the door...
-[creepy music] -[Mo exhales slowly]
[spooky piano]
I could hear the souls of all the kids that never got any pocket money.
-[laughter] -[eerie music]
[impersonates echo] "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
-Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" -[laughter]
I'd get my classic mum-call on, to see if she was awake.
-[eerie music] -[hesitantly] "Mum?"
[laughter]
-"Muuum." -[spooky music]
Then I'd get my speech prepared.
"Mu-um...
I'm awfully sorry to bother you on this somber morning.
I just wondered if I can quickly play out with my friends?"
You mention all the chores you've completed to help your application,
"Err... Mum, so, I've done, um, all the chores, um...
I've-I've washed the dishes,
um, I've hoovered the stairs,
um, I-I painted the roof as well, painted the roof..."
[laughter]
"I know we live in a flat but I did it somehow."
Then you'd get the price-plan structure ready
of how much you wanna get out of your mum.
"Mum, I was wondering if there's a small possibility
I could have, like, £1 or £6?
'Cause I'd like to quickly play out with my friends."
Then,
everybody's mum
would wake up.
But you knew your mum was really awake,
'cause she'd always swear, you know? She'd be like,
[deep inhale]
-[loud sigh] -[eerie piano]
[deep inhale]
-[loud sigh] -[eerie piano]
[sucks teeth]
[laughter]
[groans] [sucks teeth]
-[shouting] "This fucking child!" -[laughter]
[spooky piano]
Then everyone's mum would say this classic line..."
[sucks teeth] [breathes deeply]
-[gently] "Go and get my bag." -[raucous laughter]
[cheering and applause]
[applause continues]
[meekly] "Mu-um?
-I don't know where your bag is, Mum." -[laughter]
Right now, your mum is absolutely fuming.
Do you know why? 'Cause your mum has to get up out of bed.
Your mum's so angry, she's so enraged,
she just gets up so quick, she's not thinking.
Don't forget, she goes to bed in a loose nightie top,
and she'd get up so quick, one loose breast would pop out.
-[exuberant laughter] -[loud female laughter]
[laughter continues]
[raucous female laughter]
[female laughing loudly]
[laughter continues]
Guys, remember you couldn't look at your mum's loose breast?
Remember the awkward interaction?
"Mum. Mum..."
-[laughter] -"Mum...
Mum..."
[ripple of laughter]
"Mum, your ti--"
[laughter]
"Mum, your titty is out."
-[laughter] -"Your titty is out."
Your mum doesn't even care.
Your mum's been woken up.
"What?!
This tit?!
-This fucking tit?!" -[laughter]
-"You used to suck on this tit." -[loud laughter]
[melancholy piano music]
[laughter]
-[piano continues] -[laughter continues]
♪ I never sucked them titties, titties ♪
[laughter]
[Mo chuckles]
[still chuckling]
Know what's funny?
My mum's here tonight, you know? [giggles]
-[audience laughs] -[Mo chuckles]
The funny thing is, my mum's never seen that joke before.
-[audience laughs] -[Mo chuckles]
[chuckling] I know my mum's gonna be like...
[African accent] "Why did you talk about my teets?"
[laughter]
"Why did you have to talk about my teets?"
[laughter]
"Mum, you ain't even African, why you speaking like that?
[laughter]
[Mo chuckles]
"What are you doing, bruv?" [chuckles]
But I've gotta big-up my mum, you know?
'Cause she was a single parent.
She raised me, and my two older sisters as well.
That's a hard job for anyone.
So I've gotta big-up my mum.
But the problem was,
having two older sisters,
I wanted two older brothers, you know?
'Cause I lived on a big estate. When you live on an estate,
you want some protection.
Remember the kid with older brothers?
"What? You're picking on me?
I'll get my bruva."
Couldn't do that with my sisters. All they could do
was plait hair and dance.
-That's all they could do. -[laughter]
They'll come out,
"Who's picking on my bruva?
Who's picking on my bruva?"
[laughter]
"Like, shit. Here we go, bruv! You got served, bruv!"
[laughter]
[Mo chuckles]
That's the beautiful thing, growing up with sisters.
And obviously as a young kid,
you learn to respect women as well.
But you see how women interact with each other.
You know, when it comes to birthdays,
you women really go out for your girls when it's birthdays.
I know you guys do the WhatsApp group,
that's the popular thing now when it's birthdays.
All added in a group, you see the title,
"Chantelle's Big Birthday!"
-"29 plus VAT!" -[laughter]
Shut up, man. You're 34. Let it go, man.
You see numbers you don't know in the WhatsApp group,
"'+447253.' Who's that?"
She tells you what's happening. I dunno if you guys know this,
it's not just one day of birthday celebrations,
it's a whole weekend of birthday celebrations, yeah?
You know? The birthday girl will let everyone know, a big paragraph.
You know it's a big paragraph when it says "read more."
You're like, "Read more? There's more!"
She'll tell you what's going on on each day that's planned.
She'll tell you,
"Hi, ladies, it's that time of the yeee-ar!"
-Fire emoji. Fire emoji. Fire emoji. -[laughter]
"So, on Friday...
I'm looking to attend a spa.
Please put your deposits in by Thursday.
Deposits are £279.
If you don't wanna come,
just leave the group so I know who my real friends are."
-[laughter] -That's it.
Can't even leave. You're stuck. One of the chosen few.
You're so stressed, you'll message one of the girls,
-"Are you serious? I'm not paying £270." -[laughter]
"Are you alright? What? For a spa?
Are you a spa?
No! No! Noooo!"
The other girl doesn't reply, she just does the eyes emoji.
-Mm! -[laughter]
[chuckling] Hmm!
Then she'll let you know what's on Saturday,
[speaks softly] "But ladies, it's all about Saturday!
Please meet at my house for six.
Don't be late, brackets, Shanice..." [laughs insincerely]
"She's always late, you know?!
Then, ladies, we can go to the club...
Tun up, tun up.
[Jamaican accent] Wash your pum-pum, and tun up!"
[laughter]
Then, you'll meet up at her house.
The door goes: bim-bim!
[high voice] "One sec!
How's it going, babes?" [kissy sound]
It's a friend she hasn't seen in years, it's kind of awkward,
she only invited her to help pay the table or something.
She doesn't know what to say, "Gosh, babes, alright?"
Gives her a fake compliment,
girls are always sucked in by fake compliments,
"Oh my gosh, how you doing? Um, new shoes!"
Always get sucked in.
[silly voice] "Yeah, new shoes. Guess where from.
Guess where. Primark. £5!"
Door goes again. Bim-bim!
"Help yourself, babes."
[kissy noise] "You alright, babes? What's wrong?
This is the girl in the group, she's always tired,
she's always gotta announce before the night starts how tired she is.
[yawning] "Oh, yeah, I'm alright. Just tired."
-[laughter] -She's just come from work.
"Yeah, I've just come from work, you know. Oh my gosh...
Yeah, been doing overtime."
She always exaggerates how much hours she's done.
"Yeah, I'm so tired, been doing overtime.
Yeah, I've done about 275 hours already this week."
[laughter]
"So, I don't know if I'm on it tonight, girls, I might leave early as well.
I dunno if--
Can you turn the music down? It's a bit loud."
Then, the one rude, facey friend
sees this negative energy, and just tells people how it is,
[shouts] "Why did you come, then?"
[laughter]
[shouts] "Why you here with your bad energy?
Why did you come?"
[laughter]
Then there's the work friend who thinks it's a real argument,
-"Please don't fight, it's her birthday." -[laughter]
"Shut up, man! Who are you? No one knows you!
Who are you?"
"I'm sorry. Do you want a drink or something?"
[Mo chuckles]
[chuckles] You girls are piss-takers, too, you don't even like this work friend.
You don't even like her. You talk about her, too.
"I don't even like her, you know? She's so in my face..."
Then she buys a round of drinks.
"Hey! How you doing, you alright? [slurps]
Thank you! Good to see you! Oh my days, your hair's changed!"
Her hair ain't changed in years.
She's bald!
[laughter]
There's the one friend,
oh my god, last-minute Lucy, she's always last minute!
The cab is coming.
She's got one fucking eyelash on!
Last-minute Lucy: "Guys, please, are you lot just--
You just gonna leave me?
You just gonna leave me when I gotta put my eyelash on?
Are you serious? Do you know what? No one cares about me!
Just go!"
Put your fucking eyelash on, Lucy! The fuck's wrong with you?
[laughter]
You look like a fucking butterfly. Put your eyelash on, bruv.
[laughter]
But there's a bond you ladies have, you always stick together.
In terms of, like, making decisions,
group decisions, you'll make them there and then, there's no,
"Hmm, not sure." You seen when girls get in the club?
The one leader, she'll go in the club, she'll go,
"Sorry, scuse me. How much is the cloakroom?
£2? Sorry, one second.
I'm not paying no fucking £2!
Sorry, I'm not paying £2."
All the other girls will agree they're also not paying £2.
"Yeah, t- no... [random beeping sounds]
None of these girls are paying £2, yeah?
The mother hen, she'll take the coats.
"Gimme those coats."
She'll take all the coats.
She'll find a spot on the dance floor,
"Scuse me, you sitting here?"
She'll drop all the coats on the dance floor.
You'll make a pile, dance around your bags and coats,
you don't give a shit!
But the rule is:
We come together, we leave together. Yeah?
At the end of the night,
the pretty friend, she's by herself, yeah?
The pretty friend's annoying.
Know why she's annoying?
She knows she's pretty but can't take a compliment.
Yeah? Ladies, you know how it is, you'll be like,
[high voice] "Oh my days, you alright?
Your hair looks so good, you know?"
"Please don't talk about my hair, it's so dry right now."
-[laughter] -Just take the compliment, man!
There's girls struggling with split ends, take the fucking compliment!
[laughter]
But she'll be there, by herself.
You know, you got one of these roadman vultures outside the club,
just looking for their prey.
-[laughter] -[Mo chuckles]
You ever seen these fake polite roadmen?
[laughter]
-"Hello." -[loud laughter]
[applause]
[chuckles] He flashes the gold tooth a little bit.
[laughter]
"Sorry, excuse me. Scuse me.
Sorry, excuse me.
'Scuse me."
But, you see, this guy, this guy has lyrics for days.
You've seen him.
He's got chat-up lines for days, he's like,
[sucks teeth] "Listen, yeah? What I'm sayin'..."
-[laughter] -[Mo chuckles]
"Yeah, you got a nice smile, still."
-[laughter] -[chuckles] "Mm-mm...
Yeah, but you know that, though. You know that, still.
You know them ones there, fam. She knows that, still, she knows it."
[audience laughter]
"Yeah."
[audience laughter]
"Yeah, you got a nice body, too. You got a nice body, still.
-Mm. Mm..." -[laughter]
"Yeah. Nah. But you know that, too. You know that, too.
You get me? She knows that, too, cuz! You get me?
So, I'm gonna tell you something you don't know..."
[laughter]
"072953
578."
[Mo laughs]
[laughing] Some guys are writing that down, like,
-"But you know that, you know that." -[laughter]
'Cause you got the girls in their group over here,
you got the guys in their group over here, the guys...
There's always a good-looking guy in every crew,
he doesn't even talk but he knows everyone.
He knows everyone in the club. You ever seen this guy?
"What's going on? My guy.
What's going on, my guy?
What you telling me, fam? I see you.
Say no more.
-Wagwan, breddah? You cool? I see you." -[laughter]
Also, guys,
stop doing this thing, yeah?
Where guys give each other compliments, but no one can take the compliment.
You seen guys do this? They have a 'compliment-off'?
You seen guys do this?
One guy was like,
[laughing] "Okay!
Okay!
I see you.
-Man's wearing them Balenciagas, yeah?!" -[raucous laughter]
"Okay!
-Money man! Okay!" -[laughter]
This guy just can't take the compliment, you seen this guy?
-"Hey, bruv. Allow me." -[loud laughter]
Seen when guys try not to laugh?
"Bruv, allow me. Allow me. Allow me. Allow me, fam. Allow me."
[chuckling] "Bruv, allow me. Allow me.
These tings are wearing de P-radas, bruv! I'm trying to be like yoooo!"
[chuckling]
You know, the guys are here,
the ladies are over here.
The DJs control the atmosphere of the club,
they can change it whenever they like.
You've seen a DJ pull up a tune halfway through...
[impersonates music slowing down]
[getting quieter] "Right about now. Right about now. Right about now...
We're gonna change it up. We're gonna change it up. We're gonna change it up.
We're not gonna play no more of that R&B. [getting quieter] R&B. R&B. R&B...
Bee-bee be-beem! Bee-bee be-beem!
Ah-ah, ah-ah, tch ch ch choooo, ah-ah..."
[audience laughter]
"We're not gonna play no more of that hip-hop. [gets quieter] Hip-hop, hip-hop."
By the way, there's no echo machine on his decks,
he does this with his voice, every night, yeah?
"We're gonna get into some of that old-school reggae, reggae, reggae...!
Some of that dancehall! [gets quieter] Dancehall, dancehall, dancehall...
So, guys in this club right now. [quieter] Right now, right now...
If you ain't got a girl to dance with right now, right now, right now...
You're a wasteman, wasteman, waste--"
Some guys get stressed with it,
"What's the DJ talking about, 'wasteman'? I'll punch up the DJ, bruv.
I was cleaning up and eyeing up about 'wasteman.'"
[laughter]
So the guys are over here, the girls over here,
DJ would have run some bashment as well.
[bashment music]
The girls will be here.
The one girl,
she's complaining how hot the club is, you seen this girl?
"Oh my gosh, it's so hot. Are you hot?
I"m so hot. There's no air-conditioning, I'm so hot."
Then, there's the other girl,
where her face... is pissed-off,
but her body is having a great time. You've all seen this girl,
-[music continues] -[laughter]
Then, the guys see these girls dancing,
and this is where one of the guys
leaves the pack, and does the walkover to the wine dance.
You've all seen the walkover to the wine dance, yeah?
-[music continues] -[laughter]
One of the guys gets there, he's gotta try and get their attention,
starts touching some of the girls' elbows.
[laughter]
Ladies, you feel your elbows being touched,
but pretend like you can't.
[mouths words]
So this guy goes for broke.
He'll go for any girl he can get on the dance floor, you've seen this guy,
puts his dick out and hopes for the best, you've seen him.
[music continues]
Then, ladies,
you feel some kind of presence behind you,
and you're doing your cute little wine, right?
Then you feel this presence behind you,
and your little dance goes from this...
to now this.
[music continues]
[raucous laughter]
[mouthing words]
'Cause ladies, you don't turn around.
And guys, this is your wine.
Enjoy the wine, yeah? Let your jealous friends
over there know that you've got the wine, let them know, guys.
-[mouthing words] -[laughter]
[mouthing words]
So the wine is yours, for this song.
But if you want this wine to continue for the next song,
it's not your decision, it's not even her decision.
Do you know whose decision it is?
It's her best friend's decision,
if you're good-looking or not.
And this is how ladies communicate with one another while dancing,
this is what girls do.
[laughter]
And they'll just leave, mid-wine!
"Hello!
Pardon?
Pardon? Nah, I've got a man.
'Can we be friends?'
Nah, I've got friends already, okay.
Okay. Take care, yeah?
Have a good night, okay, bye-bye. [laughs insincerely]
Oh my gosh, Shanice, did you see his face?
Oh my gosh, he is so ugly. Look at his face.
Don't look now, yeah. La la la...
-[excited] Oh my days, look at his face!" -[rowdy laughter]
[Mo laughs]
Look at bare these evil witches right now,
"Yeah!"
[Mo laughs]
There's nothing better than going out,
I remember getting my first taste of going out.
The guys I went out with when I was younger,
they were, like, proper lads.
[London accent] Proper geezers. They had geezer names.
Names like 'Dave.'
Geezers like Steve.
-Geezers like fucking Terence. -[laughter]
This guy would headbutt the air, for no reason.
-[laughter] -"What's going on, Terence?"
-"Not too fucking bad, bruv." -[laughter]
"Alright though, yeah? Alright though?"
For no reason, he'd ask how your mum is.
"How's your mum? Is she alright, though, yeah?"
-"She's cool, man." -"God bless her soul."
"God bless her soul"? She's not fucking dead, bruv.
Why you blessing her soul, bruv?
What I liked about these geezers, they were straight-talking guys.
Sometimes though, they'd say phrases
that made no sense but sounded good.
You seen these guys?
"Listen, bruv,
if I put it in the oven...
it's gotta be cooked, know what I mean?"
[laughter]
Bruv, we're not making oven chips, what you talking about?
But they were proper geezers.
I used to play football with these guys,
and we had all types of geezers in our group.
We had a black geezer, his name was Tony.
Now, a backstory of my football team: half of us were black, half were white.
We had this guy, Tony, the white guys in the football team
used to call this guy
'Black Tony.'
[audience laughs]
There's not even another Tony in the group!
But these guys were straight-talkers, man.
Ah man, the most honest people. Sometimes too honest.
For example, they were the kind of guys, let's say they see a lady that they like,
perhaps she's got nice breasts, right?
These guys can use any word to describe these breasts.
Don't even need a 'breast' word.
My man, can you give me any random word?
Don't think of a 'breast' word.
Look at his face, "Jugs.
Melons. Tits. Tits. Big fat tits."
[Mo chuckles]
Just give me the most random-est thing, object.
What you got, my man?
-[people call out] -Tires.
[Mo] Tires?
[nasal voice] "Fucking hell, Dave.
Look at her fucking tires.
Wouldn't mind leaving
skid marks on that."
[raucous laughter]
[Mo laughs]
-[Mo laughs heartily] -[laughter]
Nah.
-Bare people wanted me to fail, you know! -[laughter]
-"Go on, Mr. Coupla Cans. Go on!" -[laughter]
[Mo laughs]
Sometimes, they were too honest.
They were too honest.
'Cause we'd celebrate our season.
We'd go for a meal, then to a club.
Once, one of the black guys was like,
"Yo, guys, we're gonna go to this club that plays
bashment, hip-hop, afrobeats. You guys wanna come along?"
This guy replies,
"Nah, mate. Don't like all that Jumanji music, son.
-Not for me, bruv." -[laughter]
[Mo chuckles]
You know when it's so racist, you laugh a little bit.
-"Aha-- What the fuck?" -[laughter]
That's racist, bruv. Can't say that. You'll get punched up for saying that."
"Racist? Me? How can I be racist? Come on, I'm not racist.
How can I be racist?
Got fucking black shoes on, I'm not racist, bruv."
-[laughter] -"Trust me, bruv.
My mum's neighbor's black, I can't be racist, bruv."
[giggles] They'd always tell some random lie.
Unprovoked. No reason. Yeah?
"Listen, Mo, listen to this, bruv.
My old man's from Jamaica, swear to you."
[laughter]
"I swear, my old man's Jamaican.
I swear to you, he's from Jamaica."
"What part of Jamaica?"
"I don't fucking know, St. Lucia? I don't know."
[raucous laughter]
"I wasn't fucking there with him, was I? Nosy cunt.
Wasn't fucking with him, was I?"
[Mo chuckles]
The beautiful thing is, when I started writing this show,
started performing it across the country,
and I realized, yeah?
Like, I understood my identity a little bit.
I'll never forget, one kid said to me,
growing up, one kid was like,
"Mo, you can't be British." I said, "Why's that?"
"You're black. You can't be British."
I said, "Listen, Jonathan,
your dad puts his fucking dick in a letterbox at Halloween,
-so don't tell me where I'm from, bruv." -[laughter]
'Cause there's some things that
only we do, yeah?
Only we do. For example,
if we was all in a pub right now,
or even just in this room,
and someone smashed a glass.
-In unison, we'd all go, "Waaaaaay!" -[audience] Waaaaay!
Yeah?
I went to the States, for the first time, yeah?
A guy smashed his glass. Me:
"Waaaaay!"
[US accent] "Hey buddy, why you shouting?"
[laughter]
"That's a health hazard, why would you do that?
-Why'd you do that?" -[laughter]
That's the thing, that's where I'm from,
that's all I've ever known. If I get trapped in a foreign country,
that's the embassy I'm gonna call.
I don't know no Jamaican embassy, to call them.
"Help! I've been kidnapped!"
-"Ah. Ah. Ahhh." -[laughter]
"Ah.
Ah."
[Mo chuckles]
Even the things, there's some things,
even, like, music. Our music is our own.
We got so many subcultures of our own music.
I remember I went to LA, for the first time,
this one guy was like, "Yo, baby, let me holla at you.
Let me holla at you, baby." I'm like, "I'm not a fucking baby.
Do I look like a baby, bruv?
How dare you, bruv? Do I watch In The Night Garden...?
-I'm a fucking badman!" -[laughter]
He said, "Oh my god!
Oh my god! You from London?
Don't you hate it when people say this?:
"You from London? Yeah.
I've been to Europe."
Europe?
[laughter]
Where did you go? London or Estonia?
-Where'd you go, bruv? -[laughter]
He say, "Ah, man. You got that music out there.
What's it called? Um...
the grime?
Oh, you got a dude. Oh, he fire on the mic.
He fire. What his name?"
So I'm listing off the names of really popular MCs,
so I'm like, "Oh, maybe it was Skepta?"
"Nah, man. It ain't no Skeptins."
I'm like, "It's not-- that's not what I said."
-[audience laughs] -[Mo chuckles]
-This is why you're selling CDs right now. -[laughter]
[chuckling] He's like, "Nah, it ain't him."
I'm like, "Maybe it was Stormzy?"
"Storm? What? Nah it ain't gonna rain, ain't no storm today, man.
Nah, man."
And he's like, "Ah!
That's the dude. Oh my god! He fire, man!"
I'm like, "What's his name?"
"Bruv, he crazy lyrical on the mic, man."
I'm like, "Bruv, what's his name?"
"Craig David."
[loud laughter]
I was like, "Nah. He does garage."
"What? He made it in seven days in the gar-age? Oh my god!"
[laughter]
That's the beautiful thing with old-school garage.
Old-school garage, I don't care what anyone says,
that's feel-good music. You're in a bad mood,
old-school garage puts you in a great mood, man.
We all remember old-school garage.
Can I get a little melody on the keys?
How nice is that?
Bibadib!
[laughs] Actually, can I get some drums, please? Like a 135 BPM
type of garage-type thing.
[audience cheers]
You know,
do you remember the garage singers?
They always had problems in relationships.
Every female garage singer, they'd always be like,
they'd be like...
♪ Boy, you got me ♪
♪ Boy, got me. Mm, yeah, boy, yeah ♪
♪ You got me ♪
♪ You don't love me but you ♪
♪ Mm, boy, mm, yeah ♪
♪ Boy, yeah you got me but you-- ♪
♪ No... yeah, b-boy ♪
Then, can I get some bass, please?
-Can I get some bass? -[bass guitar starts]
Yeah.
Now, my favorite MC, yeah?
Was, like, those smooth geezer MCs,
yeah, because they jump on the mic smooth as well.
♪ It's a lyrical sound for the geezer Geezer geezer geezer geezer ♪
♪ It's a lyrical sound for the geezer ♪
♪ Geezer geezer geezer geezer ♪
♪ It's a lyrical sound for the geez-- ♪
Then they'd come in with some lyrics as well,
♪ It's a lyrical sound for the geezer See this song, love? ♪
♪ It'll never chart Leave it out and a... at the start ♪
♪ Julie, we love the bloodclaat ♪
♪ I said, Julie We love the bloodclaat ♪
♪ See Julie She won't desert me ♪
♪ She won't walk in my life And then hurt me ♪
♪ Won't walk out my life Like Van Persie ♪
♪ We like a bloodclaat tune à la 'Mercy' We like a bloodclaat tune à la 'Mercy' ♪
♪ We like the bloodclaat tune À la 'Mercy' ♪
♪ I'll never do you like Ghost done Tasha I'll never do you like Ghost done Tasha ♪
♪ Grime? 'Cause I'm the pum-pum masher ♪
♪ The pum-pum masher The pum-pum masher ♪
♪ Masher, masher I'm the pum-pum masher ♪
♪ Pum-pum masher, Pum-pum masher ♪
♪ Mash up the pum I'm the pum-pum masher ♪
♪ See me, mate I'm a top geezer ♪
♪ Get two cans Chuck 'em in the freezer ♪
♪ Get two cans For Sally and Lisa ♪
♪ 'Uckin' hell! Ah! Ah! ♪
♪ Uckin' hell! You slag! ♪
♪ 'Uckin' hell! Ah ah! ♪
♪ Uckin' hell! Listen! ♪
♪ When I say "Get a couple" You say "Cans" ♪
-♪ Get a couple! ♪ -♪ Cans! ♪
♪ I say "Get a couple" You say "Cans" ♪
-♪ Get a couple! ♪ -♪ Cans! ♪
♪ I'm the guy says Get a couple cans! ♪
♪ For the supporters, for the fans ♪
♪ For the guys in the Adidas Dames ♪
♪ For the guys who ain't got no plans ♪
♪ For guys on the weekend Who go to their mum's ♪
♪ Then go to their nan's ♪
♪ These geezers ain't go no friends ♪
♪ These geezers ain't go no fans, like ♪
♪ Get a couple Get a couple ♪
♪ Yeah! Get a couple Get a couple. You slag! ♪
♪ Get a couple, Get a couple, yeah! ♪
♪ Get a couple Get a couple, you-- ♪
♪ When I say "Get a" You say "Couple" ♪
-♪ Get a ♪ -♪ Couple ♪
♪ When I say "Get a" You say "Couple" ♪
-♪ Get a ♪ -♪ Couple ♪
♪ Olly, Olly, Olly! ♪
[audience] ♪ Oi, Oi, OI! ♪
♪ We say, "Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh" ♪
[audience] ♪ Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh ♪
♪ Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh ♪
[audience] ♪ Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh ♪
Thank you guys for coming!
-Take care! Goodnight. -[rapturous applause]
Appreciate it, thank you so much.
-[applause continues] -[music continues]
[funky music]