1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

2
00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:08,399
-[upbeat dance music]
-[audience applauding]

3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

4
00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:11,054
[announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, here she is,

5
00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:14,318
the hilarious Kathy Griffin!

6
00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:16,973
[audience cheering]

7
00:00:16,973 --> 00:00:19,367
[Kathy] Whoa, whoa, this isn'’t
where the story starts.

8
00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:22,848
Let'’s take it back
to the very beginning.

9
00:00:22,848 --> 00:00:25,242
[ominous music]

10
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:30,813
[camera shutter clicking]

11
00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:44,696
Comics have a real role
in social expression.

12
00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:46,611
I started thinking about
that Megyn Kelly thing.

13
00:00:46,611 --> 00:00:48,178
Blood coming out of her eyes,

14
00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:49,614
blood coming out
of her everywhere.

15
00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:51,660
This is fake blood,
just so you know.

16
00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:57,100
[dramatic percussion]

17
00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:59,972
[female reporter]
The image went viral,

18
00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:02,062
Kathy Griffin holding
a bloody likeness

19
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,455
of President
Donald Trump'’s head.

20
00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:06,327
[male reporter] The President
did tweet moments ago,

21
00:01:06,327 --> 00:01:08,720
"Kathy Griffin should
be ashamed of herself."

22
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,245
[female reporter] Her
cross-country comedy tour
was canceled.

23
00:01:11,245 --> 00:01:12,855
[female reporter]
This is vile and wrong.

24
00:01:12,855 --> 00:01:14,378
[male reporter]
Disgusting but not surprising.

25
00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:15,945
[male reporter]
Was done to provoke.

26
00:01:15,945 --> 00:01:17,077
[male reporter 2]
Creating a backlash...

27
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,122
She'’s now seeing the reaction.

28
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:20,167
[Kathy] If you didn'’t like
that picture, that'’s fine,

29
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:21,864
but that picture was legal.

30
00:01:21,864 --> 00:01:23,474
It'’s very much covered
by the first amendment.

31
00:01:23,474 --> 00:01:26,390
[reporter] CNN fired her
from a decade-long gig

32
00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:28,436
hosting New Years Eve.

33
00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:32,092
[Kathy] Banned for life from
CNN, and that'’s just weird.

34
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,485
[reporter] Anderson didn'’t
just say he didn'’t like it.

35
00:01:34,485 --> 00:01:36,052
Anderson went after her.

36
00:01:36,052 --> 00:01:37,575
Everybody'’s a hypocrite

37
00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:38,924
because everybody'’s
imagined themselves

38
00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:40,839
standing there with his head.

39
00:01:40,839 --> 00:01:42,145
At least half the country.

40
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,538
[camera shutter clicking]

41
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,975
Whether this is
art or a bad joke,

42
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:47,890
the Secret Service says it
can'’t afford to take any
chances.

43
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:49,674
The FBI was contacting me.

44
00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:51,459
"You'’re under what'’s
called a credible threat."

45
00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:54,331
The death threats that
I'’m getting are constant.

46
00:01:54,331 --> 00:01:56,942
I was detained at every
single airport that I went to.

47
00:01:56,942 --> 00:01:58,727
She deserves everything
that'’s coming to her.

48
00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:01,251
The President and his
family are personally trying

49
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:04,124
to decimate me, as well as
the Department of Justice.

50
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,864
No way was it a
proportional response.

51
00:02:05,864 --> 00:02:07,257
It is historic.

52
00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:09,172
And it got so crazy.

53
00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:11,305
I really just start to think,
I'’ve gotta make this funny.

54
00:02:13,698 --> 00:02:16,484
Even though you watch FOX
News and I made a photo

55
00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:18,747
that offended a lot of
people, you support me.

56
00:02:18,747 --> 00:02:20,357
You'’re with me 100%.

57
00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:22,577
[laughs]

58
00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:27,277
Go on, don'’t hold
back lady, go on.

59
00:02:27,277 --> 00:02:32,195
I do support you,
but not in that instance.

60
00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:34,371
-There are limits!
-Excuse me,

61
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:35,894
who is this?

62
00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:37,592
The other night you were
screaming in the phone.

63
00:02:37,592 --> 00:02:38,767
You should of seen her,
she calls me, she goes,

64
00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:41,596
"I am not supporting
you on this.

65
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:43,772
Not one bit.

66
00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:45,687
You are on your own.

67
00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:47,515
And why won'’t Bill O'’Reilly
come back from vacation?"

68
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:49,908
That'’s what you said.

69
00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:53,260
I said I cannot condone it.

70
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,436
Well you know what,
guess what, it'’s America.

71
00:02:55,436 --> 00:02:57,525
I don'’t need you to condone
everything I do, Mother.

72
00:02:57,525 --> 00:03:01,181
Sometimes you still
have to have boundaries.

73
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,183
-I'’ve always
taught you about...
-Mother!

74
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,662
I'’m always talking to
her about boundaries.

75
00:03:04,662 --> 00:03:06,142
[people clapping]

76
00:03:06,142 --> 00:03:07,361
Booo, booo!

77
00:03:09,232 --> 00:03:11,103
That'’s exactly what I said.

78
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:12,583
Ow, she hit me!

79
00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:14,368
I'’m sorry, nails,
I just had my nails done.

80
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:16,239
She scratched me in the face.

81
00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:19,024
No, that'’s exactly
what I told her.

82
00:03:19,024 --> 00:03:20,243
All right, and if
you could say--

83
00:03:20,243 --> 00:03:21,636
My heart bleeds for you.

84
00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:22,767
But if you could say...

85
00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:24,421
Mother, look in the camera

86
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:26,467
and say whatever you
wanna say to Sean Hannity.

87
00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:31,646
Sean, I was terribly upset
that what an angry way

88
00:03:31,646 --> 00:03:36,216
and terrible things
you talked about Kathy.

89
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:40,176
I thought it was very
ungallant for a man.

90
00:03:40,176 --> 00:03:42,047
-Sorry she swore.
-So spiteful.

91
00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:43,571
Honest to God,
it'’s the truth.

92
00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:46,095
I didn'’t tell him, but
I was talking to the TV.

93
00:03:46,095 --> 00:03:48,315
-I was very upset.
-But you love Sean!

94
00:03:48,315 --> 00:03:50,055
Well, I wanted to hear
what they had to say.

95
00:03:50,055 --> 00:03:52,319
I thought someone
would stick up for you.

96
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:53,929
Sean, you thought Sean Hannity

97
00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:55,060
-would stick up for me?
-Well, I like Sean!

98
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,324
I never saw that side of him!

99
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,848
I think Sean'’s gonna take
his beat down very seriously.

100
00:03:59,848 --> 00:04:03,286
He'’s probably going to
resign tomorrow, Sean.

101
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:05,157
I am not going to
listen to Sean anymore.

102
00:04:05,157 --> 00:04:06,855
Sean get the fuck
out of that chair.

103
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:08,291
You shouldn'’t even have
that piece of shit show

104
00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:10,598
you fucking liar,
all right, you propagandist?

105
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,295
Why don'’t you move to Kremlin

106
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:13,775
if you'’re so fucking in
love with the Russians?

107
00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:15,820
-Kathy, I'’m--
-Sorry.

108
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,735
Boundaries,
boundaries, boundaries!

109
00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:19,781
Maggie and I were grabbing
laughs where we could,

110
00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:21,826
but in the midst of the
scandal,

111
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,915
my sister Joyce was suffering
through stage four cancer.

112
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:26,266
[somber music]

113
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:29,443
[hair clippers buzzing]

114
00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:32,054
[Kathy] By the way I expect a
hair campaign after this.

115
00:04:32,054 --> 00:04:36,058
If I'’m ever not being federally investigated[laughs]

116
00:04:36,058 --> 00:04:39,844
which, you know,
happens.[laughs]

117
00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:42,499
And to the point where
you just live under

118
00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:44,240
basic house arrest for a while

119
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,111
and don'’t know what to do

120
00:04:46,111 --> 00:04:48,157
and then your dog dies, and
then your sister gets cancer

121
00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:50,202
and you'’re like fuck it, let'’s
just shave my fucking head.

122
00:04:50,202 --> 00:04:51,508
[laughs]

123
00:04:51,508 --> 00:04:53,293
It'’s gonna be fine. I'’m fine!

124
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,772
You'’re the one who'’s crazy.

125
00:04:54,772 --> 00:04:57,297
So what I do, and what
got me in trouble,

126
00:04:57,297 --> 00:05:00,212
is I do shocking pictures,
or I tell a crazy joke,

127
00:05:00,212 --> 00:05:01,518
just to shake people and go,

128
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:03,955
hey, look over
here for a second,

129
00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:05,522
this crazy thing is happening.

130
00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:10,353
Surprise!

131
00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:13,965
What did you do?

132
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:16,577
I shaved my head in
solidarity with Joyce!

133
00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:18,274
Oh, god, Kathy.

134
00:05:18,274 --> 00:05:20,668
I know, feel it!

135
00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,278
I know, yeah!

136
00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:25,325
You know, a lot of people
do this with their hair,

137
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,239
as a problem or whatever.

138
00:05:27,239 --> 00:05:29,372
I just wanted to do it for her,

139
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:30,982
to show that I was with her

140
00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:33,202
and then I said I'’ll go
through the no hair first

141
00:05:33,202 --> 00:05:35,117
and then I'’ll tell
you what it'’s like.

142
00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:39,077
Oh, that'’s nice Kath,
that'’s nice, that'’s great.

143
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:40,296
We gotta stick together!

144
00:05:40,296 --> 00:05:42,385
But don'’t ask me to shave mine.

145
00:05:42,385 --> 00:05:43,517
You'’re next!

146
00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:44,648
We'’re gonna start downstairs.

147
00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:46,258
-All right.
-OK!

148
00:05:46,258 --> 00:05:47,390
Great.

149
00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:50,219
[somber music]

150
00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:01,317
There is no situation
that doesn'’t need comedy

151
00:06:01,317 --> 00:06:04,320
and honestly like, if I can be
sort of serious for a second,

152
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,844
I really do feel like
the whole world is

153
00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:08,672
scared shitless right now

154
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:11,588
and I do think Trump is
one of the biggest reasons.

155
00:06:11,588 --> 00:06:13,460
[Kathy] We'’ve all dealt with
multiple obstacles

156
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:17,551
and heartbreaks in life
that happen concurrently.

157
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:19,204
So I did what I'’ve always done,

158
00:06:19,204 --> 00:06:21,511
and jumped back into
what I know best,

159
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:25,080
getting back to basics and
doing live standup comedy
shows.

160
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,604
I knew I couldn'’t get
work in the United States.

161
00:06:27,604 --> 00:06:31,173
So, I dusted myself off,
started working the phones,

162
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:35,133
and planned an
18-country overseas tour.

163
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:36,961
What you don'’t see after this

164
00:06:36,961 --> 00:06:39,181
is that I was detained
by Homeland Security.

165
00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:40,965
Yeah, I made my flight.

166
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:42,140
But when we landed in
Auckland, New Zealand,

167
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:43,272
I was detained there as well.

168
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:45,013
This became a pattern.

169
00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:49,234
[dramatic percussion]

170
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:50,714
The theater'’s gorgeous.

171
00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:53,021
I am so happy to have
the opportunity to

172
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:55,806
It'’s me, Kathy Griffin,
international superstar,

173
00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:58,548
and controversial comedian.

174
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,507
And I'’m glad to be here.

175
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:03,423
So, that'’s what I'’m giving
thanks for, how about that?

176
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,337
[upbeat music]

177
00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:08,123
[crowd cheering]

178
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,215
Auckland!

179
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:16,871
[crowd cheering]

180
00:07:16,871 --> 00:07:20,265
[Randy] Kathy had a Trump
supporter come to the show

181
00:07:20,265 --> 00:07:24,444
last night and threw a
ketchup bottle at her onstage.

182
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,402
Luckily, it didn'’t hit her,

183
00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:30,058
but it could have been a
ketchup bottle one night,

184
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:31,886
and we don'’t know what'’s
gonna happen the next show,

185
00:07:31,886 --> 00:07:33,714
or the next show after that.

186
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:36,020
So we'’ll try to take
every precaution possible,

187
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:38,458
but it is alarming
and she'’s scared,

188
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,460
and just wanna make
sure she'’s OK.

189
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:22,632
[dramatic piano music]

190
00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:25,417
[Randy] Like anyone, Kathy
has her ups and downs.

191
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,289
But when she has a performance,

192
00:08:27,289 --> 00:08:29,291
she bounces back quickly.

193
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:32,207
Miss, it'’s me, Kathy
Griffin, from fame.

194
00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:34,339
Kathy Griffin from
the United States,

195
00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:36,080
we'’re sorry
about the President!

196
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,255
I'’m sorry about the President!

197
00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:39,214
I didn'’t vote for him!

198
00:08:39,214 --> 00:08:41,172
I mean Tru, not Tru, oh boy.

199
00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:44,611
Hello, it'’s me Kathy Griffin.

200
00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:47,222
It'’s me, Kathy Griffin,

201
00:08:47,222 --> 00:08:50,094
I'’ll be at the Opera
House on Saturday!

202
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:51,792
Oh how many times
has the headliner

203
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:53,968
from the Opera House
said hello?

204
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:56,057
Film that!

205
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:57,711
At least wave for God'’s sake.

206
00:08:57,711 --> 00:08:59,930
Yay, oh sorry about Trump!

207
00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,802
Sorry, totally our
fault, I'’m sorry.

208
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:04,152
He'’s crazy, he'’s
crazy, all right.

209
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:08,896
Fans everywhere.

210
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:11,159
[Kathy] Even on my day off,
I'’m a people person.

211
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:13,770
I love people, and
people love me.

212
00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:18,427
Um, OK, so I'’m impulsive.

213
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:20,211
So I saw that guy
walking down the street

214
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:22,431
with an anti-gay
marriage T-shirt,

215
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:25,347
but like really big
letters, did you see that?

216
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:27,741
So it said like
No Gay Marriage,

217
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:30,221
so I tried to engage
with him, and just say,

218
00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:32,006
I'’m just curious
what your opinion is,

219
00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:34,617
and he was like very stiff,

220
00:09:34,617 --> 00:09:38,186
and then finally he went, "One
man, one woman, children."

221
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:40,405
And then I tried to go,
"Well what if the children like

222
00:09:40,405 --> 00:09:44,279
really need parents,
and they'’re sick,

223
00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:46,194
like wouldn'’t you
rather have the child,"

224
00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:48,413
and I go, "I respect
you have an opinion,"

225
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,894
but he was very hardcore.

226
00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:55,246
And I cannot honestly
say I changed a mind.

227
00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:58,206
I'’m a little nervous to run
into him on the way back,

228
00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:01,513
but I tried.

229
00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:03,167
[Kathy] Well, once I was in
Australia,

230
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:05,387
there were no more
airport detentions.

231
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:08,259
I had amazing audiences
in Brisbane and Perth

232
00:10:08,259 --> 00:10:10,392
and two sold-out
shows in Melbourne.

233
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:12,350
I didn'’t have a
care in the world.

234
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:15,136
I was having a great time
and making my fans laugh.

235
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:16,354
Look at me dance!

236
00:10:16,354 --> 00:10:17,965
I forgot all about my problems!

237
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:19,923
Next stop, Singapore.

238
00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:21,403
[crowd cheering]

239
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:26,408
-[upbeat dance music]
-Hey, Singapore!

240
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:28,062
Hold it, hold it.

241
00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:29,890
Let'’s go back just a second.

242
00:10:29,890 --> 00:10:32,153
Oh yeah. Went to Singapore
and guess what?

243
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:34,111
I was held for six hours.

244
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:36,766
That'’s right, left by
myself in a detention room.

245
00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:40,204
They took my passport, took
my phone, took my SIM card.

246
00:10:40,204 --> 00:10:42,511
Then, after hours,
they gave it back to me

247
00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:44,992
with no explanation as usual.

248
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:47,081
-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat dance music]

249
00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:50,388
The audience in Singapore let
me do three hours of standup.

250
00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:52,086
I was so excited after that,

251
00:10:52,086 --> 00:10:54,610
I wanted to do a
little sightseeing.

252
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:57,569
So it'’s very, very
hot and humid here.

253
00:10:57,569 --> 00:11:00,616
So I insisted on having like
a real Singapore experience

254
00:11:00,616 --> 00:11:04,141
so we just at some
place called the, um--

255
00:11:04,141 --> 00:11:06,056
[cameraman] Newton Circus.

256
00:11:06,056 --> 00:11:09,320
The Newton Circus, and it was
really good food, delicious.

257
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,628
And then strangers offered
me like part of their food.

258
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:15,457
'’Cause I was like,
"Hi, I'’m American,

259
00:11:15,457 --> 00:11:16,937
I apologize
for Trump of course."

260
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:18,590
And they just
gave me free food.

261
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:21,028
But in addition,
I bought some food.

262
00:11:21,028 --> 00:11:22,420
But them something'’s
kinda coming over me

263
00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:24,466
with like the
humidity or whatever.

264
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:28,035
So we'’re trying to do one
of our long walks but I'’m--

265
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:30,690
[cameraman] All right,
we gotta get out of here

266
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,169
and get you safe, OK?

267
00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:33,649
[Kathy] OK.

268
00:11:33,649 --> 00:11:34,694
[cameraman] I'’m gonna
turn off the camera now.

269
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,086
[Kathy] All right.

270
00:11:36,086 --> 00:11:37,435
[cameraman]
All right, cool down.

271
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:40,221
[dramatic music]

272
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:29,923
[dramatic percussion]

273
00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:31,751
So, I had a show in
Dublin last night.

274
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,709
And, the New York Times was
there, which I didn'’t know.

275
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:36,103
And I'’m not kidding, it was
the weirdest show I'’ve ever had

276
00:12:36,103 --> 00:12:38,453
in my whole career,
not just the tour.

277
00:12:38,453 --> 00:12:40,498
Here'’s the title
of the article,

278
00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:43,197
"Kathy Griffin'’s Wild Show:
Defiant, Shaken,
then Fainting."

279
00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:44,764
I did faint, in the wings.

280
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,026
Not on stage though.

281
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:47,984
I didn'’t wanna be that person.

282
00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:49,812
Here'’s the first
line of the review,

283
00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:52,380
"Dublin. Every era gets the
Lenny Bruce it deserves.

284
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:53,947
Ours is Kathy Griffin."

285
00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:55,775
I mean, you can'’t
write that shit.

286
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,080
Someone did.

287
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,255
"But counting out
a force of nature

288
00:12:58,255 --> 00:13:00,040
like Ms. Griffin is a mistake."

289
00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:02,694
You should read
the New York Times.

290
00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:04,218
It'’s filled with stories.

291
00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:06,437
So here I am,
working my butt off,

292
00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:08,918
doing shows that are three
hours long every night.

293
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:11,312
The audiences could
not have been better.

294
00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:13,749
But I'’ll be honest, every
time I had a great show,

295
00:13:13,749 --> 00:13:16,360
I hoped I would get a call
from a network executive,

296
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:20,234
producer, or anyone who could
get me a job in America.

297
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:23,019
But still, no calls came.

298
00:13:23,019 --> 00:13:26,631
Ironically, I mean I kinda
tweeted a little bit about it,

299
00:13:26,631 --> 00:13:28,895
but ironically I'’ve
got a couple of texts

300
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:32,812
from Alec Baldwin,
who I consider to be a friend.

301
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:36,163
And one thing I'’ve
never told anybody is,

302
00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:38,774
ever since the famous
Trump photo, May 31st,

303
00:13:38,774 --> 00:13:40,384
the day that changed my life,

304
00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:42,822
Alec Baldwin has been
kind and was reaching out

305
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,302
and I have several
texts from him saying,

306
00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:46,956
"Lorne Michaels and
I want you to do

307
00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:48,871
the season premiere of SNL.

308
00:13:48,871 --> 00:13:50,568
What you'’re going
through isn'’t right.

309
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:53,006
Do you have ideas?
We have ideas."

310
00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:56,226
Anyway, I appreciate that
Alec has been texting

311
00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:58,359
somewhat regularly
and checking in,

312
00:13:58,359 --> 00:14:01,057
but as you know, obviously I
didn'’t do Saturday Night Live.

313
00:14:01,057 --> 00:14:02,450
And I have to be honest,

314
00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:04,495
it'’s one of those
things where once again,

315
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:07,324
when I say no one'’s
lifted a finger,

316
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,936
I mean, a lot of people have
reached out and been wonderful,

317
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:12,112
but none of the people
who could actually

318
00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:13,940
affect a little bit of change

319
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:16,159
where I could go back to the
States and make a living,

320
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:19,162
or at least feel safe,
have lifted a finger.

321
00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:22,209
And frankly I thought, yeah,
if I could just do a walk-on,

322
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:25,212
or one sketch, in
Saturday Night Live,

323
00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:28,780
with all of those
other great comedians

324
00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:32,349
surrounding me basically,
or being in their company,

325
00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:34,134
could have
really made a change.

326
00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:35,613
And that would
have, in my opinion,

327
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:38,268
that would have meant
lifting a finger.

328
00:14:38,268 --> 00:14:41,141
And so, I'’m not saying
it'’s Alec Baldwin'’s fault,

329
00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:43,012
but it'’s definitely
Lorne Michael'’s fault.

330
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:44,884
And you'’ve just seen
why I'’m so beloved

331
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,147
by the Hollywood establishment.

332
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:50,802
[dramatic orchestral music]

333
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:12,563
I was getting hit on all sides
from people in high places.

334
00:15:12,563 --> 00:15:15,436
While on tour, TMZ'’s
very own Harvey Levin,

335
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,090
the same Harvey Levin
who had written

336
00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:19,222
several hit pieces on me,

337
00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:21,921
left me a message asking me
if I had a minute to call him.

338
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,531
I don'’t have a
minute to call him.

339
00:15:23,531 --> 00:15:24,749
Maybe you do.

340
00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:26,012
The reason I did that is that

341
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:28,536
during the entire
Trump scandal,

342
00:15:28,536 --> 00:15:30,973
I was docked so much

343
00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:33,889
that people obviously
got my phone number

344
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:37,240
and my address, and the
Trumpers came after me.

345
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,764
And I just want you guys
to know Harvey Levin,

346
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:43,159
Harvey Levin, a blogger,
is very much in bed

347
00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:48,251
with everybody from
Hollywood to Donald Trump.

348
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:57,826
I'’m in front of the
Vienna Opera House.

349
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,308
[cameraman] Wow.

350
00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:02,570
And we'’re gonna go
get some schnitzel

351
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:03,963
or something
schnitzel-adjacent.

352
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:06,052
I might ask for tofu schnitzel.

353
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,357
[cameraman] Maybe a strudel?

354
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:08,880
Definitely apple strudel.

355
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,012
[cameraman] All right, bye!

356
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:11,405
Acthung!

357
00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:13,363
[Kathy] Look at that crowd!

358
00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:14,712
It took a team of people
to get this thing together.

359
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:16,801
Actually, I have a confession.

360
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:19,326
This entire tour has just been
Randy, me, and my assistant.

361
00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:22,590
Yeah, just the three
of us doing everything.

362
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:24,113
This was an awesome show

363
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:30,293
and Kathy'’s assistant
decided to resign.

364
00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:33,470
All I can say is that
the show will go on.

365
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:37,344
We'’re very excited to go
to Dusseldorf tomorrow,

366
00:16:37,344 --> 00:16:40,216
and a show in Cologne,
Germany on Monday night.

367
00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:42,697
So, high drama

368
00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:46,309
and the show must go on.

369
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,659
[hair dryer blowing]

370
00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:50,226
All right, this is
my Kathy Griffin

371
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:51,488
signature fluff-and-fold,

372
00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:53,447
so here are the darks,

373
00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:54,796
I'’m gonna put them on
the towels for a minute.

374
00:16:54,796 --> 00:16:56,363
And now, I'’m gonna
do the whites.

375
00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:58,408
So I'’ve already washed
them in one sink,

376
00:16:58,408 --> 00:17:00,019
and they'’re dripping wet,

377
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,759
so what I do is I put
'’em in the dry sink,

378
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:03,457
and I fluffed '’em
with my hands,

379
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,241
'’cause well my assistant
quit last night,

380
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,243
at 2:30 in the morning.

381
00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:09,898
So I'’m just gonna
do laundry this way.

382
00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:14,598
[hair dryer blowing]

383
00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:16,470
Hey everybody, well, I'’m
here in Cologne, Germany,

384
00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:18,037
or as they call it, Koln.

385
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,951
And we drove from Dusseldorf.

386
00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:24,130
That'’s right, Dusseldorf,
which is not even in America.

387
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:27,785
And I have been tweeting
on social media.

388
00:17:27,785 --> 00:17:30,745
I'’m of course nervous because
I'’m once again assuming

389
00:17:30,745 --> 00:17:33,095
that they speak better
English than I do,

390
00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:35,010
and I'’m also nervous

391
00:17:35,010 --> 00:17:36,881
because I'’m gonna talk about
how much I like Angela Merkel

392
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:38,579
even though today in the news,

393
00:17:38,579 --> 00:17:40,668
she had a vote that sort
of didn'’t go her way

394
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:42,496
and I'’ve been told
not to talk about it.

395
00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:44,324
But, I'’m gonna tell
them they'’re better off

396
00:17:44,324 --> 00:17:45,847
with her than Trump.

397
00:17:45,847 --> 00:17:47,240
I mean I think I'’m
safe with that one.

398
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,633
Anyway, I'’m very
excited to be performing

399
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:51,548
in this gorgeous venue.

400
00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:53,942
I'’m gonna be honest, I don'’t
know what the venue looks like.

401
00:17:53,942 --> 00:17:57,250
Most gigs I do I just
see the backstage, so,

402
00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:58,686
I'’m sure it'’s lovely.

403
00:17:58,686 --> 00:18:00,557
I mean it'’s European.

404
00:18:00,557 --> 00:18:02,429
It'’s also raining like hell,
and one person tweeted me

405
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:04,866
and they were pissed
that I wasn'’t performing

406
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:06,955
at a theater near
their train station.

407
00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:09,218
You know, sorry.

408
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:10,785
I'’m doing the best I can.

409
00:18:10,785 --> 00:18:12,352
The audience in
Germany was great.

410
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,832
After that, we had
Stockholm and Helsinki.

411
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:16,878
Two more countries
in three days.

412
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,575
But you guys,
it was bitter cold.

413
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,229
And it was just Randy and I.

414
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:22,144
I have to admit,
with all the travel

415
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:23,667
and airport security issues,

416
00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:25,756
it started to
take a toll on me.

417
00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:29,108
My first day off, I crashed.

418
00:18:30,718 --> 00:18:32,850
[crying]

419
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:35,984
So, I'’m kind of having a moment

420
00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:38,508
because of a lot of things.

421
00:18:40,902 --> 00:18:46,864
So I can'’t sleep like this.

422
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:48,214
It'’s night after night

423
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:50,346
without being able to sleep.

424
00:18:50,346 --> 00:18:52,261
And obviously it'’s
getting to me,

425
00:18:52,261 --> 00:18:53,784
and the time changes,

426
00:18:53,784 --> 00:18:55,177
I'’m not able to get
a hold of the folks

427
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:57,745
that I need to get a hold of.

428
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:06,406
I'’m working myself to the bone.

429
00:19:06,406 --> 00:19:08,321
Like, really to the bone.

430
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:15,458
I get these bursts of
strength and confidence

431
00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:19,680
and I assert myself and it
always results in a dogpile.

432
00:19:25,773 --> 00:19:28,558
I can'’t even look
online for news

433
00:19:28,558 --> 00:19:31,431
without stumbling upon
like fucked-up shit.

434
00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:38,699
I'’m sure this is
gonna play well.

435
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:43,530
It'’s cold this morning.

436
00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:47,186
It'’s about 28 degrees.

437
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:52,408
Snow flurries,
and not much open.

438
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:56,325
Gonna get some coffee,
Kathy'’s resting.

439
00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:58,240
Last night was a
hard night for her.

440
00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:01,330
She did two and a half hours

441
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:04,377
and I think her body
is physically exhausted

442
00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:06,161
and she'’s resting.

443
00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:09,512
We have a travel day today.

444
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:11,253
[Kathy] It wasn'’t
just a travel day.

445
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:13,168
Seeing this
cheered me right up.

446
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:14,343
There were fabulous drag queens

447
00:20:14,343 --> 00:20:16,215
waiting for me outside my show.

448
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,564
Hey, girls!

449
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:22,569
-Hello!
-I love you!

450
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:24,179
[cameraman] Any
messages for Kathy?

451
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:37,279
[cameraman] Last minute!

452
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:38,280
[crowd cheering]

453
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:41,501
[upbeat dance music]

454
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,646
[Randy] That'’s it for the tour.

455
00:20:56,646 --> 00:21:00,868
No shows scheduled
anymore currently,

456
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:03,523
so we'’re gonna enjoy it.

457
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:05,786
Go home and regroup

458
00:21:05,786 --> 00:21:10,486
and relax after a
successful trip.

459
00:21:10,486 --> 00:21:12,836
And here'’s a view
of the background.

460
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:16,579
Some boats,

461
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:17,885
some snow.

462
00:21:19,060 --> 00:21:20,409
[Kathy] Look at that, people.

463
00:21:20,409 --> 00:21:21,976
Granted, the
weathers look rough,

464
00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:23,412
but that is a beautiful venue.

465
00:21:23,412 --> 00:21:24,544
And I get to play there.

466
00:21:25,762 --> 00:21:27,547
After we do the laundry.

467
00:21:27,547 --> 00:21:29,244
And who did the laundry last
night, give me a little credit.

468
00:21:29,244 --> 00:21:30,767
You did.

469
00:21:30,767 --> 00:21:32,160
-[Kathy] That'’s right.
-[crowd cheering]

470
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,596
You'’ve been
an amazing audience!

471
00:21:33,596 --> 00:21:35,250
It'’s the last night
of the tour,

472
00:21:35,250 --> 00:21:36,643
thank you so much for coming!

473
00:21:36,643 --> 00:21:38,775
I love you guys, good night!

474
00:21:38,775 --> 00:21:41,517
[crowd cheering]

475
00:21:45,086 --> 00:21:47,175
So Randy and I
made it back home.

476
00:21:47,175 --> 00:21:49,656
And despite the negative news
cycle spinnin'’ against me,

477
00:21:49,656 --> 00:21:52,572
based on the strength of my
international tour ticket
sales,

478
00:21:52,572 --> 00:21:54,791
and the support of
my hardcore fans,

479
00:21:54,791 --> 00:21:57,272
I was about to play over 30
cities across North America!

480
00:21:57,272 --> 00:22:01,320
[hopeful instrumental music]

481
00:22:14,071 --> 00:22:18,989
I'’m in the car with New
York'’s finest female comics

482
00:22:18,989 --> 00:22:22,558
and we just wanna say
we fuckin'’ love you

483
00:22:22,558 --> 00:22:24,081
and we'’re with you.

484
00:22:24,081 --> 00:22:26,301
-We'’re with you!
-You'’re hysterical.

485
00:22:26,301 --> 00:22:27,520
-You'’re hilarious.
-And you looked fucking great

486
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,130
in that picture by the way.

487
00:22:29,130 --> 00:22:30,827
-Gorgeous all the way.
-Yeah, you'’re so hot

488
00:22:30,827 --> 00:22:32,263
and we love you and you
make us laugh so much.

489
00:22:32,263 --> 00:22:33,352
Love you.

490
00:22:36,180 --> 00:22:38,357
[people in room] Yahoo!

491
00:22:50,717 --> 00:22:52,458
[Kathy]
Here comes the fun part.

492
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:53,459
You guys haven'’t seen
the actual show yet,

493
00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:54,982
I just realized that!

494
00:22:54,982 --> 00:22:56,549
Ah, thank God the
dress held up.

495
00:22:56,549 --> 00:22:58,115
This is the last
show on the tour,

496
00:22:58,115 --> 00:22:59,682
and I got hair and makeup on,

497
00:22:59,682 --> 00:23:01,336
and pretty lighting and oh!

498
00:23:01,336 --> 00:23:03,164
There'’s a shiny
floor and everything.

499
00:23:03,164 --> 00:23:04,470
Here we go!

500
00:23:04,470 --> 00:23:05,949
[crowd cheering]

501
00:23:05,949 --> 00:23:07,647
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

502
00:23:07,647 --> 00:23:10,258
here she is,
the hilarious Kathy Griffin!

503
00:23:10,258 --> 00:23:12,173
[crowd cheering]

504
00:23:12,173 --> 00:23:15,394
[upbeat dance music]

505
00:23:30,626 --> 00:23:32,715
How the hell are ya?

506
00:23:32,715 --> 00:23:35,414
[crowd cheering]

507
00:23:38,068 --> 00:23:40,680
Hello, thank you!

508
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,465
[crowd cheering]

509
00:23:47,904 --> 00:23:49,863
You'’re here!

510
00:23:49,863 --> 00:23:51,517
You actually came!

511
00:23:51,517 --> 00:23:54,476
Thank you, thank you,
thank you!

512
00:23:54,476 --> 00:23:56,783
I hope you'’re in for a
night of shit talkin'’

513
00:23:56,783 --> 00:23:58,088
and scalding hot tea!

514
00:23:58,088 --> 00:24:00,917
[crowd cheering]

515
00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:05,269
This morning, and this is real,

516
00:24:05,269 --> 00:24:07,707
this morning, I was
woken up by the FBI,

517
00:24:07,707 --> 00:24:09,491
so they came to my house,

518
00:24:09,491 --> 00:24:12,276
and, for anyone who'’s watching
this and thinking like

519
00:24:12,276 --> 00:24:13,930
ugh, when is that bitch
gonna stop talking

520
00:24:13,930 --> 00:24:16,193
about that fucking
picture, well it turns out,

521
00:24:16,193 --> 00:24:19,414
well, guess who was on the
MAGA bombers'’ target list?

522
00:24:19,414 --> 00:24:22,678
[audience groaning]

523
00:24:22,678 --> 00:24:25,115
Yes, so they showed up.

524
00:24:25,115 --> 00:24:28,467
And when I say I'’m glad
to be here like seriously,

525
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:29,511
I was afraid.

526
00:24:29,511 --> 00:24:31,034
[audience laughing]

527
00:24:31,034 --> 00:24:32,383
Let me sort of work backwards

528
00:24:32,383 --> 00:24:33,994
and I'’m gonna be
all over the map

529
00:24:33,994 --> 00:24:35,996
because I'’m gonna tell
you all of the horror

530
00:24:35,996 --> 00:24:38,738
of the Trump stuff, because
I honestly really believe

531
00:24:38,738 --> 00:24:41,001
that if it happened to me,
it could happen to you.

532
00:24:41,001 --> 00:24:42,568
And it is happening
to other people.

533
00:24:42,568 --> 00:24:45,527
So, let me just start
with how the picture

534
00:24:45,527 --> 00:24:48,312
keeps getting like ginned
up over and over, right?

535
00:24:48,312 --> 00:24:51,185
OK, so besides the
fact that the MAGA bomber

536
00:24:51,185 --> 00:24:52,360
doesn'’t care for my work.

537
00:24:52,360 --> 00:24:53,970
[audience laughing]

538
00:24:53,970 --> 00:24:56,582
So anyway, a few months
ago, remember the scandal

539
00:24:56,582 --> 00:24:58,975
with The Rosanne Show
getting canceled?

540
00:24:58,975 --> 00:25:00,629
OK, and then if you remember

541
00:25:00,629 --> 00:25:03,327
the very next day
was what I call

542
00:25:03,327 --> 00:25:05,504
the fake Samantha Bee
full-frontal scandal.

543
00:25:05,504 --> 00:25:08,463
Thank you, because that was
a joke that was, I feel,

544
00:25:08,463 --> 00:25:11,161
completely fair, and you know,

545
00:25:11,161 --> 00:25:12,336
Feckless totally has it coming.

546
00:25:12,336 --> 00:25:13,337
[audience laughing]

547
00:25:13,337 --> 00:25:14,861
Now, so what happened is

548
00:25:14,861 --> 00:25:17,298
this whole process,

549
00:25:17,298 --> 00:25:18,821
this whole thing that I'’m
gonna tell you about tonight,

550
00:25:18,821 --> 00:25:22,303
is what I now call the
Trump wood chipper.

551
00:25:22,303 --> 00:25:24,218
And, D-list as I am,

552
00:25:24,218 --> 00:25:26,916
I was the kind of the first
like celebrity to be thrown

553
00:25:26,916 --> 00:25:28,744
into the Trump wood chipper.

554
00:25:28,744 --> 00:25:31,312
Because my photo, the infamous
photo, which by the way,

555
00:25:31,312 --> 00:25:34,228
was a mask with ketchup on it!

556
00:25:34,228 --> 00:25:35,751
Can we be clear?

557
00:25:35,751 --> 00:25:37,274
It was a mask with
ketchup, I promise!

558
00:25:37,274 --> 00:25:38,580
-[audience applauding]
-[audience laughing]

559
00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:39,929
So, I'’ve had to
travel the world.

560
00:25:39,929 --> 00:25:42,062
I started in
Auckland, New Zealand.

561
00:25:42,062 --> 00:25:44,804
I had to go to Reykjavik,
Iceland to tell my dick jokes.

562
00:25:44,804 --> 00:25:47,981
Reykjavik, Iceland,
that'’s right.

563
00:25:47,981 --> 00:25:49,896
I actually get offended
when people are like,

564
00:25:49,896 --> 00:25:51,550
"You got Dixie Chicked!"

565
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:53,987
And I'’m like, no no, I
got Dixie Dicked, OK?

566
00:25:53,987 --> 00:25:55,902
[audience laughing]

567
00:25:55,902 --> 00:25:58,731
Everybody turned on me, left,
right, center, the military.

568
00:25:58,731 --> 00:26:01,211
Fuckin'’ Alyssa Milano
tweeted against me.

569
00:26:01,211 --> 00:26:03,910
Alyssa Milano for God'’s sake!

570
00:26:03,910 --> 00:26:06,260
Here'’s the thing, you know the
MAGAts, I call them MAGAts,

571
00:26:06,260 --> 00:26:09,437
I don'’t mean Republicans,
I mean like, you know,

572
00:26:09,437 --> 00:26:12,571
the MAGA hat-wearing
crazies, let'’s cut the shit,

573
00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:14,355
they'’re all fuckin'’ nuts,

574
00:26:14,355 --> 00:26:15,661
and they'’re not into
readin'’ or writin'’.

575
00:26:15,661 --> 00:26:18,446
[audience laughing]

576
00:26:18,446 --> 00:26:20,013
Oh no, I know this is dark,

577
00:26:20,013 --> 00:26:21,318
but I brought you one
of my death threats.

578
00:26:21,318 --> 00:26:22,363
[audience groaning]

579
00:26:22,363 --> 00:26:24,234
Hold on, hear me out.

580
00:26:24,234 --> 00:26:28,282
Only because it'’s a great
example of how the MAGA fans,

581
00:26:28,282 --> 00:26:31,111
the Trump fans, they'’re
not really big on grammar.

582
00:26:31,111 --> 00:26:33,461
[audience laughing]

583
00:26:33,461 --> 00:26:36,464
Anyway, a few months ago,

584
00:26:36,464 --> 00:26:39,206
we'’ve all had that
time when you wake up

585
00:26:39,206 --> 00:26:42,252
and there'’s too many texts
on your phone, right?

586
00:26:42,252 --> 00:26:43,732
Like that'’s not good!

587
00:26:43,732 --> 00:26:44,994
It'’s good to get an
occasional hello,

588
00:26:44,994 --> 00:26:46,822
but when you'’re just flooded,

589
00:26:46,822 --> 00:26:48,389
and don'’t ya like your friends
that are nice and vague?

590
00:26:48,389 --> 00:26:50,260
"Hey girl, are you OK?"

591
00:26:50,260 --> 00:26:53,307
[audience laughing]

592
00:26:53,307 --> 00:26:54,787
"OMG call me"

593
00:26:54,787 --> 00:26:56,440
[audience laughing]

594
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,007
"I'’m here if you need to talk."

595
00:26:58,007 --> 00:27:00,096
All right, just fuckin'’
tell me who died.

596
00:27:00,096 --> 00:27:01,881
So, what happened was,

597
00:27:01,881 --> 00:27:05,580
it turned out that the
Roseanne scandal had happened,

598
00:27:05,580 --> 00:27:07,843
and Samantha Bee the next day,

599
00:27:07,843 --> 00:27:10,803
and so, then Sarah Fuckabee
Sanders decided to just...

600
00:27:10,803 --> 00:27:11,934
[audience laughing]

601
00:27:11,934 --> 00:27:14,067
Yes fuck her, fuck that liar.

602
00:27:14,067 --> 00:27:15,416
She is a liar!

603
00:27:15,416 --> 00:27:16,417
[audience cheering]

604
00:27:16,417 --> 00:27:17,723
She is lying to us!

605
00:27:21,161 --> 00:27:22,858
Oh I'’m going hard
for all of them.

606
00:27:22,858 --> 00:27:24,294
I don'’t give a fuck anymore.

607
00:27:24,294 --> 00:27:26,079
I'’m going for
everybody and anybody,

608
00:27:26,079 --> 00:27:30,387
and fuck her for knowing
she'’s lying and still lying,

609
00:27:30,387 --> 00:27:32,389
and I know this is vicious,
but I'’m gonna go there

610
00:27:32,389 --> 00:27:34,478
because they go there,

611
00:27:34,478 --> 00:27:36,785
does one gay here
have one goddamn belt
to give that bitch?

612
00:27:36,785 --> 00:27:39,788
One belt, one belt
for Sarah Fuckabee,

613
00:27:39,788 --> 00:27:42,095
even a pillow
has to be defined.

614
00:27:42,095 --> 00:27:45,185
I said it, I said it.

615
00:27:45,185 --> 00:27:48,318
And I know when my beloved
Michelle Obama says,

616
00:27:48,318 --> 00:27:50,494
"When they go low, we go high."

617
00:27:50,494 --> 00:27:53,236
Michelle, I love you,
take the night off.

618
00:27:53,236 --> 00:27:54,716
Cause I'’m fuckin'’
down in the mud

619
00:27:54,716 --> 00:27:56,370
with the pigs where I belong.

620
00:27:56,370 --> 00:27:58,111
Rolling around, rolling
around, look at me.

621
00:28:00,504 --> 00:28:03,682
[audience cheering]

622
00:28:06,989 --> 00:28:09,600
Right where I belong,
what made me a star goddammit.

623
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:10,863
[audience laughing]

624
00:28:10,863 --> 00:28:12,865
All right, so we
have a precedent,

625
00:28:12,865 --> 00:28:14,997
and I use that word
because he tweeted one time

626
00:28:14,997 --> 00:28:16,564
"I'’m so proud to
be your precedent."

627
00:28:16,564 --> 00:28:18,958
I'’m like oh that shit
sticks with me honey.

628
00:28:18,958 --> 00:28:20,437
That sticks.

629
00:28:20,437 --> 00:28:22,265
You are the precedent
now and forever.

630
00:28:22,265 --> 00:28:24,485
And when he twatted on
the Twitter machine,

631
00:28:24,485 --> 00:28:28,968
"I'’m so happy the First Lady
Melanie is coming home today,"

632
00:28:30,230 --> 00:28:31,231
you know, from the tit job.

633
00:28:31,231 --> 00:28:32,711
Allegedly, allegedly.

634
00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:34,930
I have no proof, I'’m alleging.

635
00:28:34,930 --> 00:28:36,758
[audience laughing]

636
00:28:36,758 --> 00:28:37,977
And I thought, all right,
she'’s Melanie from now on.

637
00:28:37,977 --> 00:28:39,456
And also, fuck her.

638
00:28:39,456 --> 00:28:41,328
So I know some of the
gays wanna make her over

639
00:28:41,328 --> 00:28:43,112
cause she'’s fierce, no.

640
00:28:43,112 --> 00:28:45,288
She'’s 45-year-old grown
woman, she'’s a birther,

641
00:28:45,288 --> 00:28:48,291
I threw up a clip on my Twitter
saying how she'’s a birther,

642
00:28:48,291 --> 00:28:50,641
and fuck her with
that green jacket.

643
00:28:50,641 --> 00:28:53,209
I Really Don'’t Care do
you, yes, I do care,

644
00:28:53,209 --> 00:28:55,255
and I know you
care too, Melanie!

645
00:28:55,255 --> 00:28:58,127
[audience cheering]

646
00:29:00,913 --> 00:29:04,351
All right so, could of weeks
ago Don Jr. comes at me,

647
00:29:04,351 --> 00:29:06,048
and I love when all these
middle-aged white guys

648
00:29:06,048 --> 00:29:08,355
try to go comedically
toe-to-toe with me, right,

649
00:29:08,355 --> 00:29:09,617
they think it'’s
gonna go their way.

650
00:29:09,617 --> 00:29:11,358
So Don Jr. Tweets,

651
00:29:11,358 --> 00:29:12,838
"The reason you don'’t
have a special isn'’t

652
00:29:12,838 --> 00:29:14,448
because you'’re a woman.

653
00:29:14,448 --> 00:29:15,492
It'’s because you'’re
not a good comedian.

654
00:29:15,492 --> 00:29:16,929
It'’s really that simple."

655
00:29:16,929 --> 00:29:18,495
And then I just wrote back,

656
00:29:18,495 --> 00:29:20,454
"FYI, they don'’t have
Netflix in prison."

657
00:29:20,454 --> 00:29:23,239
-[audience applauding]
-[audience laughing]

658
00:29:23,239 --> 00:29:25,372
Which is true.

659
00:29:28,418 --> 00:29:30,943
Oh, he got me!

660
00:29:30,943 --> 00:29:32,335
Oh and we'’ll get to
Stormy in a minute,

661
00:29:32,335 --> 00:29:34,033
I became friends
with Stormy Daniels!

662
00:29:34,033 --> 00:29:37,384
[audience applauding]

663
00:29:39,690 --> 00:29:41,562
She came to my Boston show.

664
00:29:41,562 --> 00:29:43,172
They snuck her back
into my dressing room!

665
00:29:43,172 --> 00:29:44,434
And there she was with
the tits and the hair

666
00:29:44,434 --> 00:29:46,349
and the smile in
all of her glory,

667
00:29:46,349 --> 00:29:48,351
and I go, "Hi Thelma,
it'’s me Louise,

668
00:29:48,351 --> 00:29:49,962
let'’s take this fucker down."

669
00:29:49,962 --> 00:29:53,313
[audience applauding]

670
00:29:57,056 --> 00:29:59,536
And, OK so, she
couldn'’t have been nicer

671
00:29:59,536 --> 00:30:01,321
and more fun and everything so,

672
00:30:01,321 --> 00:30:03,366
you know I had to drag her,
like into a private room

673
00:30:03,366 --> 00:30:04,454
and get the real deal.

674
00:30:04,454 --> 00:30:06,152
First of all I said to her,

675
00:30:06,152 --> 00:30:07,544
"Did you want me to call
you Stephanie or Stormy?"

676
00:30:07,544 --> 00:30:09,633
And she goes,
"Stormy, I earned it!"

677
00:30:09,633 --> 00:30:11,287
And I go,

678
00:30:11,287 --> 00:30:14,682
She goes, "I'’ve sucked
over 180,000 cocks."

679
00:30:14,682 --> 00:30:17,380
[slow clapping]

680
00:30:23,082 --> 00:30:25,562
Half the gay guys
here are like, "And?"

681
00:30:25,562 --> 00:30:30,045
[audience laughing]

682
00:30:30,045 --> 00:30:32,221
And I said,
"Look, I know you'’re
gonna testify for Mueller,

683
00:30:32,221 --> 00:30:34,397
or maybe you have,
I'’m not gonna ask,

684
00:30:34,397 --> 00:30:35,921
but I have to like,

685
00:30:35,921 --> 00:30:38,053
you have to tell me
how bad the dick is.

686
00:30:38,053 --> 00:30:41,622
Because I'’m
picturing like zigzags

687
00:30:41,622 --> 00:30:43,406
and skin tags coming off"

688
00:30:43,406 --> 00:30:46,583
[audience groaning
and laughter]

689
00:30:46,583 --> 00:30:48,585
I love your reaction
because Stormy,

690
00:30:48,585 --> 00:30:52,198
who'’s sucked 180,000
cocks, kept going, "Ew!"

691
00:30:53,895 --> 00:30:56,898
And I go, I'’m sorry,
are you overreacting,

692
00:30:56,898 --> 00:30:59,683
because you'’re going, "Ew!"

693
00:30:59,683 --> 00:31:02,251
And she was like, "Ew, it was
the worst one I'’ve ever seen!"

694
00:31:02,251 --> 00:31:03,774
I'’m like, "What?"

695
00:31:03,774 --> 00:31:05,559
So then she'’s telling me
about the mushroom cap.

696
00:31:05,559 --> 00:31:07,169
And I'’m like oh, I hate that
feeling where it pops in

697
00:31:07,169 --> 00:31:08,127
but then you'’ve gotta
worry about the pop out

698
00:31:08,127 --> 00:31:09,258
because it might have,

699
00:31:09,258 --> 00:31:10,477
[audience laughing]

700
00:31:10,477 --> 00:31:11,913
You know, it'’s fun goin'’ in

701
00:31:11,913 --> 00:31:13,828
but you gotta think
about the exit.

702
00:31:13,828 --> 00:31:15,221
I have to say it was
pretty impressive

703
00:31:15,221 --> 00:31:17,397
that I made Stormy
Daniels think of his cock

704
00:31:17,397 --> 00:31:19,312
and go "Ew!"

705
00:31:19,312 --> 00:31:20,313
You'’re welcome.

706
00:31:20,313 --> 00:31:21,792
[audience laughing]

707
00:31:21,792 --> 00:31:25,709
All right, so, Sarah
Fuckabee goes before

708
00:31:25,709 --> 00:31:29,191
the White House press
briefing room yet again,

709
00:31:29,191 --> 00:31:32,107
and she tries to tie in
Samantha Bee to Roseanne,

710
00:31:32,107 --> 00:31:34,762
which are completely apples
and oranges and here'’s why,

711
00:31:34,762 --> 00:31:36,285
number one, if there'’s
one thing I know

712
00:31:36,285 --> 00:31:37,939
it'’s low-budget cable.

713
00:31:37,939 --> 00:31:39,419
[audience laughing]

714
00:31:39,419 --> 00:31:42,161
When she called Ivanka
a feckless cunt,

715
00:31:42,161 --> 00:31:43,858
fair game, fair game!

716
00:31:43,858 --> 00:31:45,381
Hear me out.

717
00:31:45,381 --> 00:31:48,167
First of all, you can say
the C-word, all right?

718
00:31:48,167 --> 00:31:51,039
And I admit, I told you I'’m
gonna admit all of my foibles,

719
00:31:51,039 --> 00:31:53,215
I admit I totally have
a double-standard.

720
00:31:53,215 --> 00:31:55,217
Like I'’m one of those women
that if you'’re my girlfriend

721
00:31:55,217 --> 00:31:57,567
and we wanna call each other
cunts I think it'’s great,

722
00:31:57,567 --> 00:31:59,656
but if you'’re a guy
I'’m like, how dare you?

723
00:31:59,656 --> 00:32:01,310
So, I admit it.

724
00:32:01,310 --> 00:32:03,182
All right, so, what I
think is funny though,

725
00:32:03,182 --> 00:32:05,532
is that I actually
think the Trumpers

726
00:32:05,532 --> 00:32:07,316
were more upset
about the C-word

727
00:32:07,316 --> 00:32:09,362
because I don'’t think they
know what feckless means.

728
00:32:09,362 --> 00:32:11,712
[audience laughing]

729
00:32:11,712 --> 00:32:14,410
That'’s a big college word,
that'’s a big college word.

730
00:32:14,410 --> 00:32:17,109
And I would be more insulted
if someone called me feckless,

731
00:32:17,109 --> 00:32:19,198
implying I couldn'’t do my job.

732
00:32:19,198 --> 00:32:21,026
And I'’d be like excuse me,
I take issue with that.

733
00:32:21,026 --> 00:32:23,115
I'’m a cunt, but I'’m
a very good comedian,

734
00:32:23,115 --> 00:32:24,507
I know what I'’m doing, I
have a lot of experience.

735
00:32:24,507 --> 00:32:26,814
How dare you, take it back!

736
00:32:26,814 --> 00:32:29,556
[audience applauding]

737
00:32:32,646 --> 00:32:34,430
Oh my god, I love you guys.

738
00:32:34,430 --> 00:32:37,346
All right, so here'’s the
joke that Samantha Bee did

739
00:32:37,346 --> 00:32:39,348
and I'’m gonna do
the joke for you,

740
00:32:39,348 --> 00:32:40,784
and I'’m gonna defend
it and here'’s why,

741
00:32:40,784 --> 00:32:42,525
because number one,

742
00:32:42,525 --> 00:32:43,831
you don'’t want the President
of the United States

743
00:32:43,831 --> 00:32:45,615
deciding what television
shows you watch,

744
00:32:45,615 --> 00:32:49,010
so I learned, like I
said, I was the test case,

745
00:32:49,010 --> 00:32:52,361
and now I'’m on this mission
to make sure that they never,

746
00:32:52,361 --> 00:32:54,450
ever are allowed to
do to anyone else

747
00:32:54,450 --> 00:32:55,451
what they did to me.

748
00:32:55,451 --> 00:32:57,062
Not Michelle Wolf

749
00:32:57,062 --> 00:32:58,193
from the White House
Correspondents'’ Dinner,

750
00:32:58,193 --> 00:33:00,804
not Samantha Bee, not anybody.

751
00:33:00,804 --> 00:33:04,330
Not someone in entertainment,
not in any field!

752
00:33:04,330 --> 00:33:07,289
Not on my watch,
no more, no way!

753
00:33:07,289 --> 00:33:11,467
[audience cheering]

754
00:33:11,467 --> 00:33:14,818
No way, that is some bull shit.

755
00:33:14,818 --> 00:33:17,256
So like I said, Samantha
Bee does this joke.

756
00:33:17,256 --> 00:33:19,388
Now it was very early
on in the border crisis.

757
00:33:19,388 --> 00:33:21,390
And I think a lot of
you would agree that

758
00:33:21,390 --> 00:33:22,826
out of all the heinous
things he'’s done,

759
00:33:22,826 --> 00:33:24,393
that is right up there.

760
00:33:24,393 --> 00:33:26,308
I mean three of those
children have died,

761
00:33:26,308 --> 00:33:27,962
and it'’s something I just,
I'’m not a religious person,

762
00:33:27,962 --> 00:33:30,095
but God forgive us for that.

763
00:33:30,095 --> 00:33:32,227
So what Samantha Bee said,

764
00:33:32,227 --> 00:33:35,013
and she does a political
satirical show.

765
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,319
So she said, "Mom to mom,
let me say something to you

766
00:33:37,319 --> 00:33:39,974
feckless cunt, put on a
tight dress, push your tits up

767
00:33:39,974 --> 00:33:42,890
and go sit on daddy'’s lap
and bounce until you fix it."

768
00:33:42,890 --> 00:33:44,631
[audience laughing]

769
00:33:44,631 --> 00:33:48,896
Now, number one,
they bleeped the C-word.

770
00:33:48,896 --> 00:33:50,593
Also, she is
completely feckless.

771
00:33:50,593 --> 00:33:54,119
I know Feckless,
I have met her,

772
00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:56,295
you know, it'’s like
talking to a bag of Xanax,

773
00:33:56,295 --> 00:33:58,210
I'’ll just tell you
right now, it is.

774
00:33:59,298 --> 00:34:00,864
Allegedly.

775
00:34:00,864 --> 00:34:03,389
I am not saying she takes
five to ten Xanax a day.

776
00:34:03,389 --> 00:34:06,174
I'’m saying she reminds
me of someone who does.

777
00:34:06,174 --> 00:34:07,219
[audience laughing]

778
00:34:07,219 --> 00:34:09,177
Oh my god, one time,

779
00:34:09,177 --> 00:34:10,918
I was a part of a different
challenge on The Apprentice,

780
00:34:10,918 --> 00:34:13,312
and Trump tried to put
me next to Feckless.

781
00:34:13,312 --> 00:34:15,270
And so she was
saying things like,

782
00:34:15,270 --> 00:34:18,143
"You know, I think...

783
00:34:18,143 --> 00:34:23,278
you should try a
rosé-colored nail po..."

784
00:34:23,278 --> 00:34:25,802
I was just like, let'’s go.

785
00:34:25,802 --> 00:34:27,369
Honey, I got places to be.

786
00:34:27,369 --> 00:34:28,631
[audience laughing]

787
00:34:28,631 --> 00:34:29,806
You seen the husband?

788
00:34:29,806 --> 00:34:31,069
Jared Kushner?

789
00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:33,071
Yes, soon-to-be imprisoned?

790
00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:35,073
Hopefully, hopefully.

791
00:34:35,073 --> 00:34:36,248
[audience applauding]

792
00:34:36,248 --> 00:34:37,684
I can dream!

793
00:34:39,077 --> 00:34:40,295
I don'’t get the Kush thing.

794
00:34:40,295 --> 00:34:41,818
He'’s got the drag
queen eyebrows,

795
00:34:41,818 --> 00:34:43,907
he looks like he gets
17 facials a day.

796
00:34:43,907 --> 00:34:45,735
Like his skin is,

797
00:34:45,735 --> 00:34:47,346
it'’s like he just
took off a facial mask

798
00:34:47,346 --> 00:34:49,261
of his whole body every second,

799
00:34:49,261 --> 00:34:51,828
no matter what
time you catch him.

800
00:34:51,828 --> 00:34:53,917
And he'’s supposed to
be this genius, right?

801
00:34:53,917 --> 00:34:55,310
And so, remember the time

802
00:34:55,310 --> 00:34:57,007
he just randomly
took to the podium

803
00:34:57,007 --> 00:34:58,922
on the front White House lawn?

804
00:34:58,922 --> 00:35:02,883
[high pitched yelling]

805
00:35:02,883 --> 00:35:05,015
He'’s got a very odd
way of talking where he

806
00:35:05,015 --> 00:35:06,800
opens his whole mouth like this

807
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:08,758
but his voice is high.

808
00:35:08,758 --> 00:35:10,282
Like fuckin'’
Alvin and the Chipmunks.

809
00:35:10,282 --> 00:35:13,154
I don'’t know what
she sees in him.

810
00:35:13,154 --> 00:35:14,764
I don'’t get it
but I'’m not buyin'’

811
00:35:14,764 --> 00:35:16,244
that he'’s like the hot one.

812
00:35:16,244 --> 00:35:18,594
[audience laughing]

813
00:35:18,594 --> 00:35:20,509
Not only have I known
The Donald for way too long,

814
00:35:20,509 --> 00:35:22,076
but I also know
all the grown kids.

815
00:35:22,076 --> 00:35:23,686
I don'’t know the little guy,

816
00:35:23,686 --> 00:35:25,732
but I know Eddie Munster,
Feckless, and Date Rape.

817
00:35:25,732 --> 00:35:28,865
[audience laughing]

818
00:35:31,172 --> 00:35:32,304
Oh yeah.

819
00:35:32,304 --> 00:35:34,132
I'’m just saying,

820
00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:36,090
I can'’t imagine that anyone
would have consensual sex

821
00:35:36,090 --> 00:35:37,178
with Eric Trump.

822
00:35:37,178 --> 00:35:38,875
That'’s all I'’m saying.

823
00:35:38,875 --> 00:35:40,399
I think every encounter
should be investigated.

824
00:35:40,399 --> 00:35:43,750
Every single encounter.

825
00:35:43,750 --> 00:35:47,057
Oh, they'’re gonna twat at
me now, look out everybody!

826
00:35:47,057 --> 00:35:49,103
All right, so, um,
they'’re all idiots.

827
00:35:49,103 --> 00:35:51,192
And the dad is the
biggest idiot of all,

828
00:35:51,192 --> 00:35:55,283
and so you know, it was
obviously when they chose me,

829
00:35:55,283 --> 00:35:57,546
to, if I may use
the word target,

830
00:35:57,546 --> 00:35:59,505
I think they knew I was
an easy mark, right?

831
00:35:59,505 --> 00:36:01,420
So just out of all the dudes

832
00:36:01,420 --> 00:36:03,422
who supposedly
threatened the President,

833
00:36:03,422 --> 00:36:05,380
none of them got in
this kind of trouble.

834
00:36:05,380 --> 00:36:08,296
He'’s not gonna go after
Snoop Dogg or the singer
Morrissey

835
00:36:08,296 --> 00:36:10,168
or fuckin'’ drunk
Johnny Depp in a bar.

836
00:36:10,168 --> 00:36:12,561
[audience laughing]

837
00:36:12,561 --> 00:36:16,478
Guys, Johnny Depp, like, he
dresses like that in real life.

838
00:36:16,478 --> 00:36:18,088
He does.

839
00:36:18,088 --> 00:36:20,917
He dresses like he'’s
a pirate in real life.

840
00:36:20,917 --> 00:36:22,571
Have you noticed that?

841
00:36:22,571 --> 00:36:24,094
He'’s got a lot of money
or sometimes he does.

842
00:36:24,094 --> 00:36:26,053
I don'’t know what his
money situation is,

843
00:36:26,053 --> 00:36:28,447
it'’s like a Nicolas Cage, I
don'’t know what'’s going on but,

844
00:36:28,447 --> 00:36:31,450
the last time I saw him was at
the Clive Davis Grammy party

845
00:36:31,450 --> 00:36:34,235
and I just go Johnny one
word, shower, shower!

846
00:36:34,235 --> 00:36:35,628
[audience laughing]

847
00:36:35,628 --> 00:36:37,325
So, I have no love
for all the guys

848
00:36:37,325 --> 00:36:39,153
that didn'’t get in any trouble,

849
00:36:39,153 --> 00:36:40,241
but I think they knew that
they could come after me,

850
00:36:40,241 --> 00:36:41,982
because as many of you know,

851
00:36:41,982 --> 00:36:43,766
I'’ve been kind of a one-man
band my whole career.

852
00:36:43,766 --> 00:36:45,855
I don'’t have a big
network or studio,

853
00:36:45,855 --> 00:36:47,509
I don'’t have any man behind me,

854
00:36:47,509 --> 00:36:49,337
I don'’t have some big producer

855
00:36:49,337 --> 00:36:51,296
who'’s gonna make it all better
and make it all go away.

856
00:36:51,296 --> 00:36:53,254
Johnny Depp, he got
caught saying something

857
00:36:53,254 --> 00:36:54,734
about the President, and
then four days later,

858
00:36:54,734 --> 00:36:56,518
he'’s taking a picture
with his Make-A-Wish kid,

859
00:36:56,518 --> 00:36:58,390
I know that game.

860
00:36:58,390 --> 00:37:01,523
Yes, vicious, they'’ll do
anything bottom line, vicious.

861
00:37:01,523 --> 00:37:04,831
All right, so, once again,
we'’ll go back
to Sarah Fuckabee.

862
00:37:04,831 --> 00:37:07,399
All right, so there
she goes to the podium

863
00:37:07,399 --> 00:37:10,315
and she'’s conflating
Rosanne with Samantha Bee,

864
00:37:10,315 --> 00:37:12,012
and then for good
measure, as usual,

865
00:37:12,012 --> 00:37:15,276
they just throw me in so
that all the Trump Army

866
00:37:15,276 --> 00:37:18,975
and the robots and the
bot farms from Macedonia,

867
00:37:18,975 --> 00:37:20,890
whatever the fuck'’s goin'’
on, they all come to me.

868
00:37:20,890 --> 00:37:22,240
[audience laughing]

869
00:37:22,240 --> 00:37:23,850
And so,
I then later watched it,

870
00:37:23,850 --> 00:37:25,547
when I got all these
texts saying, "Oh my gosh,

871
00:37:25,547 --> 00:37:27,288
you'’ve gotta watch
today'’s press conference".

872
00:37:27,288 --> 00:37:29,725
And so I see Sarah
up there sayin'’,

873
00:37:29,725 --> 00:37:34,991
"And uh, Roseanne was doin'’
a very good job on her show

874
00:37:34,991 --> 00:37:40,083
and she had to apologize
but the President phoned her.

875
00:37:40,083 --> 00:37:44,392
Samantha Bee should not
be able to keep her job.

876
00:37:44,392 --> 00:37:48,701
And where'’s the apology
from comedian Kathy Griffin,

877
00:37:48,701 --> 00:37:52,400
who was photographed holding
Donald Trump'’s severed head?"

878
00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:53,967
[audience laughing]

879
00:37:53,967 --> 00:37:55,490
I had to start my process
of debunking the idea

880
00:37:55,490 --> 00:37:57,362
that I was holding a
severed head at all!

881
00:37:57,362 --> 00:37:59,320
It was a freaking mask
with ketchup on it.

882
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:01,279
Let'’s be very clear,
it'’s not anyone'’s head,

883
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:02,976
I don'’t have any heads.

884
00:38:02,976 --> 00:38:04,717
Although, wait till
I tell ya the stuff

885
00:38:04,717 --> 00:38:06,632
that Trumpers send to my
house, you'’re gonna shit.

886
00:38:06,632 --> 00:38:10,636
To this day, Trumpers
send me Bibles!

887
00:38:10,636 --> 00:38:13,465
Yes, I have like 60
Bibles in my basement.

888
00:38:14,422 --> 00:38:15,684
It'’s too late!

889
00:38:15,684 --> 00:38:17,251
It'’s too late.

890
00:38:17,251 --> 00:38:22,865
-[audience applauding]
-[audience laughing]

891
00:38:22,865 --> 00:38:24,432
It'’s way too late for that.

892
00:38:24,432 --> 00:38:26,391
I went to Catholic
school, it didn'’t work.

893
00:38:26,391 --> 00:38:28,131
It didn'’t take, as they say.

894
00:38:28,131 --> 00:38:30,090
[audience laughing]

895
00:38:30,090 --> 00:38:31,439
So, I will say it'’s amazing
that they don'’t catch fire

896
00:38:31,439 --> 00:38:33,398
every time I just
even walk past them.

897
00:38:33,398 --> 00:38:35,008
But, your beloved
Maggie Griffin,

898
00:38:35,008 --> 00:38:37,010
when she walks past
them she goes like this,

899
00:38:37,010 --> 00:38:38,577
"Finally!"

900
00:38:38,577 --> 00:38:40,405
[audience laughing]

901
00:38:40,405 --> 00:38:42,668
By the way, my mom hasn'’t
seen the inside of a church

902
00:38:42,668 --> 00:38:44,322
unless somebody fuckin'’
dies or gets married.

903
00:38:44,322 --> 00:38:46,672
So I love how she
acts all Catholic.

904
00:38:46,672 --> 00:38:48,282
First of all, she'’s
98 years young.

905
00:38:48,282 --> 00:38:51,633
[audience applauding]

906
00:38:52,895 --> 00:38:53,940
Still got it.

907
00:38:55,811 --> 00:38:59,119
The day the photo went
live, May 30th, 2017,

908
00:38:59,119 --> 00:39:01,643
the day that changed
my life irrefutably,

909
00:39:01,643 --> 00:39:03,428
in the middle of
all the crazy stuff

910
00:39:03,428 --> 00:39:05,865
and the walls caving in,
I'’ll get to that part later,

911
00:39:05,865 --> 00:39:07,736
my own mother calls me

912
00:39:07,736 --> 00:39:09,390
and I swear to God she goes,

913
00:39:09,390 --> 00:39:11,349
"For Christ'’s sake Kathleen.

914
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:14,221
Of all the god-damn clubs
you could have joined."

915
00:39:14,221 --> 00:39:15,222
[audience laughing]

916
00:39:15,222 --> 00:39:16,484
I go, "Ma!"

917
00:39:16,484 --> 00:39:18,312
"I was watchin'’
my Sean Hannity."

918
00:39:18,312 --> 00:39:19,792
I go "Mother!

919
00:39:19,792 --> 00:39:21,097
What are you doing
watching that for?"

920
00:39:21,097 --> 00:39:22,882
"He says you joined Al Kay-da."

921
00:39:22,882 --> 00:39:25,014
[audience laughing]

922
00:39:25,014 --> 00:39:26,842
"Couldn'’t you collect
stamps or something

923
00:39:26,842 --> 00:39:28,627
instead of joining Al Kay-da?"

924
00:39:28,627 --> 00:39:31,499
Like it'’s a caterpillar
relative or something, so.

925
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,547
Anyway, just so you know,
after that phone call,

926
00:39:35,547 --> 00:39:37,287
on that day, I'’m laughing now,

927
00:39:37,287 --> 00:39:38,898
but I was sobbing.

928
00:39:38,898 --> 00:39:40,726
I called Rosie O'’Donnell,

929
00:39:40,726 --> 00:39:43,729
the preeminent expert at
being trolled by Donald Trump.

930
00:39:43,729 --> 00:39:46,732
12 years he'’s been
trying to take her down,

931
00:39:46,732 --> 00:39:48,255
12 years.

932
00:39:48,255 --> 00:39:50,257
So I call Rosie and
I'’m crying and I go,

933
00:39:50,257 --> 00:39:52,868
"My own mother
thinks I'’m in ISIS

934
00:39:52,868 --> 00:39:55,305
but she calls it
Al Kay-da, anyway,

935
00:39:55,305 --> 00:39:57,177
she thinks I'’m in ISIS."

936
00:39:57,177 --> 00:40:00,267
And Rosie goes like this,
"Are you kidding me?

937
00:40:00,267 --> 00:40:02,356
[audience laughing]

938
00:40:02,356 --> 00:40:04,097
That'’s hilarious, tape it."

939
00:40:04,097 --> 00:40:05,794
[audience laughing]

940
00:40:05,794 --> 00:40:09,145
[audience applauding]

941
00:40:13,802 --> 00:40:15,587
That'’s a friend, goddammit.

942
00:40:15,587 --> 00:40:17,937
OK, I had taken
some other photos,

943
00:40:17,937 --> 00:40:21,070
and one of them was a spoof
of my former neighbor,

944
00:40:21,070 --> 00:40:22,637
Kim Kardashian.

945
00:40:22,637 --> 00:40:24,334
And I'’ll tell you,
I'’m gonna be honest,

946
00:40:24,334 --> 00:40:26,293
it was actually kind of
exciting living next to them.

947
00:40:26,293 --> 00:40:27,947
So don'’t get all
high and mighty on me

948
00:40:27,947 --> 00:40:29,514
and act like you don'’t
wanna know what it'’s like

949
00:40:29,514 --> 00:40:31,211
to go to their
house, '’cause you do.

950
00:40:31,211 --> 00:40:32,821
You do, admit it!

951
00:40:32,821 --> 00:40:33,909
[audience cheering]

952
00:40:33,909 --> 00:40:35,171
Beg me!

953
00:40:35,171 --> 00:40:36,782
[audience cheering]

954
00:40:36,782 --> 00:40:40,350
I am so committed,
I moved in next to my act.

955
00:40:40,350 --> 00:40:42,265
Show some goddamn respect.

956
00:40:42,265 --> 00:40:45,312
So, and by the way,
don'’t turn on me,

957
00:40:45,312 --> 00:40:47,967
but after the Trumpers
wanting to assassinate me

958
00:40:47,967 --> 00:40:50,665
for a year and a half,
I'’m totally pro-Kardashian.

959
00:40:50,665 --> 00:40:52,014
Don'’t turn on me!

960
00:40:52,014 --> 00:40:53,842
Hear me out.

961
00:40:53,842 --> 00:40:55,627
OK, so when the Trumpers
let you know on a daily basis

962
00:40:55,627 --> 00:40:58,978
that their assassination
method of choice is,

963
00:40:58,978 --> 00:41:01,371
we wanna shoot you in the
cunt, cut your head off,

964
00:41:01,371 --> 00:41:03,330
stuff your decapitated
head up your cunt,

965
00:41:03,330 --> 00:41:04,418
and shoot it again.

966
00:41:04,418 --> 00:41:05,463
All right, so.

967
00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:06,812
[audience laughing]

968
00:41:06,812 --> 00:41:08,727
After a year
and a half of that,

969
00:41:08,727 --> 00:41:10,250
if the Kardashians are merely
stupid and materialistic,

970
00:41:10,250 --> 00:41:12,034
where do I sign?

971
00:41:12,034 --> 00:41:13,906
I'’ll take it, I'’ll take
it, sounds good to me.

972
00:41:13,906 --> 00:41:16,996
As long as you'’re not trying
to actively assassinate me,

973
00:41:16,996 --> 00:41:18,519
we'’re BFFs.

974
00:41:18,519 --> 00:41:21,043
We are good, we are
cool, I'’ll take it.

975
00:41:21,043 --> 00:41:22,958
And also,
after the Trump photo,

976
00:41:22,958 --> 00:41:24,917
when I was really
hunkered down in my house,

977
00:41:24,917 --> 00:41:26,745
I will say, I could
just look out the window

978
00:41:26,745 --> 00:41:29,095
and see some
crazy amusing shit.

979
00:41:29,095 --> 00:41:33,403
So anyway, I actually legit
didn'’t want Kim to think I was
gonna like

980
00:41:33,403 --> 00:41:35,449
single white female
stalk them or anything,

981
00:41:35,449 --> 00:41:37,320
so, I steer in the
driveway one day

982
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,627
and I said, "OK, well I'’ve
kinda got the house together,

983
00:41:39,627 --> 00:41:41,673
do you feel like
coming over for a tour?"

984
00:41:41,673 --> 00:41:44,327
And she goes, "Literally?"

985
00:41:44,327 --> 00:41:45,764
I go, "No, figuratively."

986
00:41:45,764 --> 00:41:47,243
[audience laughing]

987
00:41:47,243 --> 00:41:48,244
Sorry, least of my worries.

988
00:41:48,244 --> 00:41:50,159
Least of my worries.

989
00:41:50,159 --> 00:41:52,597
So anyway, she'’s wearing this
big puffy camouflage jacket,

990
00:41:52,597 --> 00:41:54,947
which is funny, like hiding
the moneymaker, right?

991
00:41:54,947 --> 00:41:56,601
And no pants.

992
00:41:56,601 --> 00:41:57,993
I'’m sure she had bike
shorts on or something,

993
00:41:57,993 --> 00:41:59,560
and the heels were
this high, right?

994
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:00,518
And I said, "Do you
wanna come over?"

995
00:42:00,518 --> 00:42:02,128
And she was like,

996
00:42:02,128 --> 00:42:03,738
"OK, I can like,
literally be there in like,

997
00:42:03,738 --> 00:42:05,958
literally 30 minutes.

998
00:42:05,958 --> 00:42:09,091
I literally have to go
to the grocery store."

999
00:42:09,091 --> 00:42:10,876
And by the way, I gotta
say, I love that about them.

1000
00:42:10,876 --> 00:42:12,007
Like they just go to
the grocery store,

1001
00:42:12,007 --> 00:42:13,922
like there were no cameras.

1002
00:42:13,922 --> 00:42:15,620
I'’m like you'’re gonna be
really a little overdressed

1003
00:42:15,620 --> 00:42:16,795
for the Safeway.

1004
00:42:16,795 --> 00:42:18,361
OK, I'’m gonna be honest,

1005
00:42:18,361 --> 00:42:20,146
they could not have
been better neighbors.

1006
00:42:20,146 --> 00:42:22,409
They were super quiet, super
respectful, they were a breeze.

1007
00:42:22,409 --> 00:42:25,325
And, what'’s good for me is that
for years, they'’ve hated me,

1008
00:42:25,325 --> 00:42:26,761
'’cause I'’m like the
red-haired bitch

1009
00:42:26,761 --> 00:42:28,328
who calls them dirty
whores and stuff

1010
00:42:28,328 --> 00:42:30,069
[audience laughing]

1011
00:42:30,069 --> 00:42:31,287
'’cause I'’m a patriot.

1012
00:42:31,287 --> 00:42:33,768
[audience laughing]

1013
00:42:33,768 --> 00:42:35,465
And first of all, I'’m
friends with the mom.

1014
00:42:35,465 --> 00:42:37,467
I'’m friends with Kris
Jenner because I have to be.

1015
00:42:37,467 --> 00:42:38,904
I'’m scared of her.

1016
00:42:38,904 --> 00:42:40,732
[audience laughing]

1017
00:42:40,732 --> 00:42:43,212
I will say this before I
totally tear them to shreds,

1018
00:42:43,212 --> 00:42:45,650
I will say that
truly by coincidence,

1019
00:42:45,650 --> 00:42:47,260
the day the photo went live,

1020
00:42:47,260 --> 00:42:49,958
I'’d already had like
a pre-planned dinner

1021
00:42:49,958 --> 00:42:52,134
at my house with of
all people Kris Jenner

1022
00:42:52,134 --> 00:42:54,049
and Academy Award-nominated
Melanie Griffith,

1023
00:42:54,049 --> 00:42:55,616
from Working Girl,
you know Melanie.

1024
00:42:55,616 --> 00:42:58,401
And as much as I like
to make fun of them,

1025
00:42:58,401 --> 00:43:00,490
I have to say, they
couldn'’t have been nicer,

1026
00:43:00,490 --> 00:43:02,449
and by the time
dinnertime came around,

1027
00:43:02,449 --> 00:43:04,799
already my life was like
ruined and I was in PJs

1028
00:43:04,799 --> 00:43:06,584
and sobbing all day,

1029
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:07,541
and I'’ll tell you about
all the crazy conversations

1030
00:43:07,541 --> 00:43:09,238
I had that day,

1031
00:43:09,238 --> 00:43:10,718
and so Kris Jenner was the
perfect person to talk to.

1032
00:43:10,718 --> 00:43:12,546
I'’m not kidding, here'’s why,

1033
00:43:12,546 --> 00:43:14,809
I had made that
horrible apology video,

1034
00:43:14,809 --> 00:43:16,028
and we'’ll get there
in a minute,

1035
00:43:16,028 --> 00:43:17,769
but it'’s a fuckin'’ shit fest.

1036
00:43:17,769 --> 00:43:20,772
So by the time they got
there, I was crying again.

1037
00:43:20,772 --> 00:43:22,861
I was like, "And
then I apologized

1038
00:43:22,861 --> 00:43:25,167
and now all of my comedian
friends are mad at me

1039
00:43:25,167 --> 00:43:27,648
but people think
I'’m in ISIS so I,"

1040
00:43:27,648 --> 00:43:30,956
yeah, so there was,
unhinged, unhinged.

1041
00:43:30,956 --> 00:43:33,436
So I'’m a wreck,
Kris Jenner is here,

1042
00:43:33,436 --> 00:43:35,525
Melanie Griffith is
here, and I'’m saying,

1043
00:43:35,525 --> 00:43:37,527
"Oh I shouldn'’t have made
the apology video,"

1044
00:43:37,527 --> 00:43:38,746
and she'’s cold as ice.

1045
00:43:38,746 --> 00:43:39,878
And she'’s like this,

1046
00:43:39,878 --> 00:43:41,444
"No, it'’s good you apologized.

1047
00:43:43,577 --> 00:43:45,057
We do it all the time."

1048
00:43:45,057 --> 00:43:48,190
[audience laughing]

1049
00:43:50,018 --> 00:43:52,020
"One of the girls steals
a trademark and then

1050
00:43:52,020 --> 00:43:53,848
when they get caught,
they just apologize."

1051
00:43:53,848 --> 00:43:56,329
[audience laughing]

1052
00:43:56,329 --> 00:43:59,245
All right, so I thought
that was kind of genius.

1053
00:43:59,245 --> 00:44:01,508
So then, Melanie Griffith, who
couldn'’t be more different,

1054
00:44:01,508 --> 00:44:03,771
she'’s more sort of
Bohemian and stuff,

1055
00:44:03,771 --> 00:44:05,425
so Melanie goes, "I loved it,

1056
00:44:05,425 --> 00:44:07,688
tomorrow you should
do Pence'’s head."

1057
00:44:07,688 --> 00:44:09,037
All right that, no.

1058
00:44:10,822 --> 00:44:14,129
[audience applauding]

1059
00:44:15,174 --> 00:44:16,566
It was kinda funny.

1060
00:44:16,566 --> 00:44:18,090
I won'’t, I'’m not gonna do it.

1061
00:44:18,090 --> 00:44:20,353
All right, so, prior
to the famous picture,

1062
00:44:20,353 --> 00:44:22,485
Tyler Shields and I had
taken some really silly ones.

1063
00:44:22,485 --> 00:44:25,750
In one of them, of course, I
had to spoof my neighbor Kim.

1064
00:44:25,750 --> 00:44:27,316
Now, our yards were so close

1065
00:44:27,316 --> 00:44:29,101
that there was
actually a shared wall,

1066
00:44:29,101 --> 00:44:31,233
so it was like almost
the same yard, right?

1067
00:44:31,233 --> 00:44:32,844
So one night, you
can look this up,

1068
00:44:32,844 --> 00:44:34,280
I'’m sure it'’s a very
famous photographer,

1069
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:36,282
she was doing a photoshoot
in the backyard,

1070
00:44:36,282 --> 00:44:40,329
and she was up a tree like
a squirrel, like this.

1071
00:44:40,329 --> 00:44:42,636
Totally naked, with the long,

1072
00:44:42,636 --> 00:44:44,377
flowing extensions
and everything,

1073
00:44:44,377 --> 00:44:46,205
totally naked and glowy,

1074
00:44:46,205 --> 00:44:50,035
wearing nothing but '’80s
black Doc Marten boots.

1075
00:44:50,035 --> 00:44:51,601
[audience laughing]

1076
00:44:51,601 --> 00:44:53,908
OK, you know, you'’re
so fuckin'’ jaded.

1077
00:44:53,908 --> 00:44:55,649
[audience laughing]

1078
00:44:55,649 --> 00:44:57,042
Don'’t act like you
wouldn'’t fuckin'’ kill

1079
00:44:57,042 --> 00:44:58,913
to walk out in your yard
and be like, is that?

1080
00:44:58,913 --> 00:45:03,439
[audience laughing]

1081
00:45:03,439 --> 00:45:05,485
Is Kim Kardashian a
naked squirrel next door?

1082
00:45:05,485 --> 00:45:07,139
[audience laughing]

1083
00:45:07,139 --> 00:45:11,883
So, I go out there, and I go,

1084
00:45:11,883 --> 00:45:13,362
honey your nipples are hard,

1085
00:45:13,362 --> 00:45:15,408
you'’re gonna poke
an eye out, come on.

1086
00:45:15,408 --> 00:45:16,496
Come on down honey,
let'’s go honey,

1087
00:45:16,496 --> 00:45:18,498
you'’re gonna hurt yourself.

1088
00:45:18,498 --> 00:45:20,456
Put on a sarong,
start somewhere.

1089
00:45:20,456 --> 00:45:22,415
[audience laughing]

1090
00:45:22,415 --> 00:45:25,244
And she laughed, and
that'’s why I like her.

1091
00:45:25,244 --> 00:45:28,682
So let me go back to the day.

1092
00:45:28,682 --> 00:45:30,118
So when the photo happened,

1093
00:45:30,118 --> 00:45:32,294
I was in the middle
of a 50-city tour.

1094
00:45:32,294 --> 00:45:35,167
And I was about 25 cities in,
and then the photo came out,

1095
00:45:35,167 --> 00:45:38,474
and then within 12 hours, I
had the entire tour canceled

1096
00:45:38,474 --> 00:45:40,389
and not one day of
paid work ahead of me

1097
00:45:40,389 --> 00:45:41,956
for the rest of my life.

1098
00:45:41,956 --> 00:45:43,131
So we'’ll get to that
fun part in a minute,

1099
00:45:43,131 --> 00:45:44,959
but, the year before that,

1100
00:45:44,959 --> 00:45:47,309
I did an 80-city Like A Boss
tour all around America,

1101
00:45:47,309 --> 00:45:49,790
so don'’t talk to me about
the real America FOX News,

1102
00:45:49,790 --> 00:45:52,140
I have really,
really been there.

1103
00:45:52,140 --> 00:45:55,317
And I stumbled across something
that I brought for you,

1104
00:45:55,317 --> 00:45:57,493
and you'’re being such an
amazing audience already,

1105
00:45:57,493 --> 00:45:58,494
this is your first treat.

1106
00:45:58,494 --> 00:46:00,235
Enjoy.

1107
00:46:00,235 --> 00:46:01,280
Now, this is from something
I'’ve never heard of,

1108
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:02,977
and you can make fun of me,

1109
00:46:02,977 --> 00:46:05,937
called Craigslist Personals
Missed Connections?

1110
00:46:05,937 --> 00:46:09,070
[audience laughing]

1111
00:46:11,333 --> 00:46:12,334
All right, you know
what you all look like?

1112
00:46:12,334 --> 00:46:13,683
A bunch of guilty whores.

1113
00:46:13,683 --> 00:46:15,816
A bunch of guilty,
dirty, whores.

1114
00:46:15,816 --> 00:46:17,600
Look at you, I know
that gay guilt.

1115
00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:19,298
I can hear it,
that uncomfortable

1116
00:46:19,298 --> 00:46:20,995
[giggles]
I think I'’ve heard of it!

1117
00:46:20,995 --> 00:46:24,303
All right so, the
subject line was,

1118
00:46:24,303 --> 00:46:26,522
You Fingered Me
at Kathy Griffin.

1119
00:46:26,522 --> 00:46:31,571
-[audience applauding]
-[audience laughing]

1120
00:46:40,623 --> 00:46:43,017
"We were sitting next to
each other at Kathy Griffin.

1121
00:46:43,017 --> 00:46:45,193
You were drunk and flirty,
and before I knew it,

1122
00:46:45,193 --> 00:46:47,413
you slid your hands
down the back of my pants

1123
00:46:47,413 --> 00:46:48,718
and fingered my butt.

1124
00:46:52,331 --> 00:46:54,637
You are very cute, I'’d
like to get to know you."

1125
00:46:54,637 --> 00:46:57,815
[audience laughing]

1126
00:47:00,426 --> 00:47:01,427
For the gays.

1127
00:47:02,471 --> 00:47:05,344
[slow clapping]

1128
00:47:08,042 --> 00:47:10,175
I'’ve been sayin'’ it,
ladies, for decades,

1129
00:47:10,175 --> 00:47:12,177
the gay boys eliminate
the middle man,

1130
00:47:12,177 --> 00:47:14,353
they go right to the
Missed Connection.

1131
00:47:14,353 --> 00:47:15,397
Now look,

1132
00:47:15,397 --> 00:47:16,921
[audience laughing]

1133
00:47:16,921 --> 00:47:18,487
by the way, and you
may wanna take a moment

1134
00:47:18,487 --> 00:47:20,141
to look around at your neighbor

1135
00:47:20,141 --> 00:47:21,099
and see if anyone'’s having
a missed connection,

1136
00:47:21,099 --> 00:47:22,187
[audience laughing]

1137
00:47:22,187 --> 00:47:23,275
at this moment,

1138
00:47:23,275 --> 00:47:24,667
love is love, love is love!

1139
00:47:24,667 --> 00:47:26,191
[audience laughing]

1140
00:47:26,191 --> 00:47:27,975
I also like that the
guy who wrote that

1141
00:47:27,975 --> 00:47:29,498
said at the end, I'’d like
to get to know you better.

1142
00:47:29,498 --> 00:47:31,326
[audience laughing]

1143
00:47:31,326 --> 00:47:32,893
So, you know, I'’ve been in
the community, as they say,

1144
00:47:32,893 --> 00:47:34,808
as an ally for so long,

1145
00:47:34,808 --> 00:47:36,288
I'’m assuming that means that
they'’re gonna be praying

1146
00:47:36,288 --> 00:47:37,506
to Saint Fistopher
later, like a barstool.

1147
00:47:37,506 --> 00:47:39,769
-[audience laughing]
-Yeah.

1148
00:47:39,769 --> 00:47:40,770
Now, I'’m going to tell
you about the day.

1149
00:47:40,770 --> 00:47:42,250
You ready?

1150
00:47:42,250 --> 00:47:43,556
[audience cheering]

1151
00:47:43,556 --> 00:47:45,297
OK, so, first of
all like I said,

1152
00:47:45,297 --> 00:47:47,952
I'’m gonna be very
honest, I'’m 58 years old,

1153
00:47:47,952 --> 00:47:49,388
and being a 58-year-old female

1154
00:47:49,388 --> 00:47:51,390
in the business,
in standup comedy,

1155
00:47:51,390 --> 00:47:52,913
they'’ve been trying to
put me out to pasture

1156
00:47:52,913 --> 00:47:55,263
since I was about 40,
and I will not moo!

1157
00:47:55,263 --> 00:47:58,397
[audience cheering]

1158
00:48:02,270 --> 00:48:04,011
I just wanna make you laugh,

1159
00:48:04,011 --> 00:48:05,752
I don'’t care if it'’s a
commercial or a series

1160
00:48:05,752 --> 00:48:08,581
or a special or a tour,
I just wanna make you laugh.

1161
00:48:08,581 --> 00:48:10,757
So, like I said, I need
to tell you the story,

1162
00:48:10,757 --> 00:48:12,324
because the government
shouldn'’t be able

1163
00:48:12,324 --> 00:48:14,369
to take your ability
to make a living away.

1164
00:48:14,369 --> 00:48:15,849
And I'’ll tell you
all the crazy shit

1165
00:48:15,849 --> 00:48:17,111
that I learned along the way,

1166
00:48:17,111 --> 00:48:18,591
like the fuckin'’
TMZ connection.

1167
00:48:18,591 --> 00:48:20,288
Holy fuckballs, wait
till that shit goes down.

1168
00:48:20,288 --> 00:48:21,463
[audience laughing]

1169
00:48:21,463 --> 00:48:23,770
Yes, you came to
the right bitch!

1170
00:48:23,770 --> 00:48:25,511
If I had a store, that'’s
what I would call it.

1171
00:48:25,511 --> 00:48:31,038
So what happened was, Andy
Cohen, oh yeah fuck him.

1172
00:48:31,038 --> 00:48:32,561
He'’s a turncoat.

1173
00:48:32,561 --> 00:48:35,086
And also, well I'’m sorry,
if he has a skillset

1174
00:48:35,086 --> 00:48:37,175
I'’d love to hear what it is.

1175
00:48:37,175 --> 00:48:38,524
Nobody?

1176
00:48:38,524 --> 00:48:39,960
[audience laughing
and groaning]

1177
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:41,266
I love how this
industry crowd is like,

1178
00:48:41,266 --> 00:48:42,267
oh my god, you are
never gonna work.

1179
00:48:42,267 --> 00:48:43,485
I know!

1180
00:48:43,485 --> 00:48:45,313
[audience laughing]

1181
00:48:45,313 --> 00:48:47,054
One of the things I want you
to take away from tonight

1182
00:48:47,054 --> 00:48:49,361
is I'’m Kathy Griffin, and
I never learned my lesson!

1183
00:48:49,361 --> 00:48:52,320
[audience cheering]

1184
00:48:58,805 --> 00:48:59,893
Oh yeah, I'’m fuckin'’
naming names,

1185
00:48:59,893 --> 00:49:01,460
I don'’t give a shit anymore.

1186
00:49:01,460 --> 00:49:03,679
OK so anyway, let me get
back to the infamous day,

1187
00:49:03,679 --> 00:49:05,507
because believe it or
not, what started it

1188
00:49:05,507 --> 00:49:08,162
was a fuckin'’ tweet from
Eddie Munster of all people.

1189
00:49:08,162 --> 00:49:10,904
Like yes, that'’s how I
knew I was the test case.

1190
00:49:10,904 --> 00:49:12,384
So get this shit.

1191
00:49:12,384 --> 00:49:14,038
So like I said, we had
taken a bunch of really,

1192
00:49:14,038 --> 00:49:15,648
obviously silly,

1193
00:49:15,648 --> 00:49:17,476
funny photos that never
saw the time of day,

1194
00:49:17,476 --> 00:49:20,000
because the infamous mask
ketchup photo was of course

1195
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:22,220
the last picture of the
day and it took 20 minutes.

1196
00:49:22,220 --> 00:49:24,004
Now, when the picture
went live,

1197
00:49:24,004 --> 00:49:26,398
I certainly didn'’t think
he would send it to TMZ.

1198
00:49:26,398 --> 00:49:28,269
Like, I'’m so foolish
I thought that

1199
00:49:28,269 --> 00:49:30,663
he would send it to
like Der Spiegel, right?

1200
00:49:30,663 --> 00:49:32,752
Or Paper or Charlie
Hebdo or some shit?

1201
00:49:32,752 --> 00:49:35,233
Now, the reason it was
bad that it went to TMZ

1202
00:49:35,233 --> 00:49:38,366
is it turns out that gay
republican and full-on

1203
00:49:38,366 --> 00:49:41,369
Trump-supporting
MAGAt Harvey Levin,

1204
00:49:41,369 --> 00:49:44,416
yes, a gay man who'’s a MAGAt!

1205
00:49:44,416 --> 00:49:47,332
Not just a republican, a full
MAGA-wearing, Trump-loving,

1206
00:49:47,332 --> 00:49:50,378
so when I announced that on
what'’s called the YouTube,

1207
00:49:50,378 --> 00:49:53,686
then the right wing
said I was unhinged.

1208
00:49:53,686 --> 00:49:55,644
And then I was so happy
when the Daily Beast

1209
00:49:55,644 --> 00:49:57,385
finally did an article
where Harvey Levin said,

1210
00:49:57,385 --> 00:49:59,518
"Oh yeah, I talk to Trump
multiple times a week.

1211
00:49:59,518 --> 00:50:02,303
"I consider myself to be
his personal publicist."

1212
00:50:02,303 --> 00:50:05,437
Exactly, now we all enjoy TMZ
as a guilty pleasure blog.

1213
00:50:05,437 --> 00:50:08,309
But I am suggesting to you
that if you keep looking at it

1214
00:50:08,309 --> 00:50:11,051
you'’ll see it'’s very
misogynistic and very racist.

1215
00:50:11,051 --> 00:50:13,358
And, Harvey has like
all the dirt on people,

1216
00:50:13,358 --> 00:50:15,316
and he'’s got a vault, and
everybody'’s scared of him.

1217
00:50:15,316 --> 00:50:16,970
Well open the fuckin'’
vault motherfucker,

1218
00:50:16,970 --> 00:50:18,885
I don'’t give a shit.

1219
00:50:18,885 --> 00:50:22,193
Because what happened was,
the photo went on TMZ first.

1220
00:50:22,193 --> 00:50:24,717
Now you know people in LA think
that shit is the newspaper.

1221
00:50:24,717 --> 00:50:27,589
[audience laughing]

1222
00:50:27,589 --> 00:50:29,069
You know it to be true,

1223
00:50:29,069 --> 00:50:30,418
you know there are
people who are like,

1224
00:50:30,418 --> 00:50:31,637
"I heard on the news--"

1225
00:50:31,637 --> 00:50:35,467
No, it'’s a blog for God'’s sake!

1226
00:50:35,467 --> 00:50:37,599
By the way talking to the
President multiple
times a week?

1227
00:50:37,599 --> 00:50:39,819
Can you imagine Barack
Obama calling Perez Hilton

1228
00:50:39,819 --> 00:50:40,820
for policy advice?

1229
00:50:40,820 --> 00:50:43,214
[audience laughing]

1230
00:50:43,214 --> 00:50:46,434
All right so prior to the mask
photo, we had taken pictures

1231
00:50:46,434 --> 00:50:48,001
like me spoofing Kim

1232
00:50:48,001 --> 00:50:49,437
and pictures that I
honestly just thought,

1233
00:50:49,437 --> 00:50:50,830
if they show up in a magazine

1234
00:50:50,830 --> 00:50:52,788
and make you laugh
it'’s worth it.

1235
00:50:52,788 --> 00:50:54,268
If I put them on social media
and you laugh it'’s worth it.

1236
00:50:54,268 --> 00:50:56,488
So that'’s it, there
was no deep meaning.

1237
00:50:56,488 --> 00:50:59,012
Now, when we get to the
actual infamous photo,

1238
00:50:59,012 --> 00:51:01,667
then I admit, the
inspiration was

1239
00:51:01,667 --> 00:51:05,018
when Trump famously said
after one of the debates

1240
00:51:05,018 --> 00:51:08,891
about Megyn Kelly, "There was
blood coming out of her eyes,

1241
00:51:08,891 --> 00:51:10,980
"blood coming out
of her wherever."

1242
00:51:10,980 --> 00:51:12,547
And even though I don'’t
mean to defend her,

1243
00:51:12,547 --> 00:51:14,506
because she wouldn'’t piss
on me if I were on fire,

1244
00:51:14,506 --> 00:51:16,116
I still thought, we'’ll
lets do a picture

1245
00:51:16,116 --> 00:51:17,335
where there'’s blood
coming out of his wherever

1246
00:51:17,335 --> 00:51:19,380
and see if he likes it.

1247
00:51:19,380 --> 00:51:22,296
He didn'’t, he didn'’t like it
one bit, did not care for it.

1248
00:51:22,296 --> 00:51:23,863
[audience applauding]

1249
00:51:23,863 --> 00:51:25,212
Now, here'’s why I
feel fuckin'’ stupid,

1250
00:51:25,212 --> 00:51:26,692
one of the many reasons is,

1251
00:51:26,692 --> 00:51:28,520
because I hate the
celebrities that go

1252
00:51:28,520 --> 00:51:30,087
"I wouldn'’t change a thing."

1253
00:51:30,087 --> 00:51:31,784
Right, I fucking hate that.

1254
00:51:31,784 --> 00:51:34,395
When people ask me that,
do you have any regrets?

1255
00:51:34,395 --> 00:51:35,527
Yes!

1256
00:51:35,527 --> 00:51:37,094
Yes, are you kidding?

1257
00:51:37,094 --> 00:51:38,443
Too many to count!

1258
00:51:38,443 --> 00:51:39,792
And they'’re always like oh!

1259
00:51:39,792 --> 00:51:40,923
They take their pen
out like oh!

1260
00:51:40,923 --> 00:51:42,316
No one says that.

1261
00:51:42,316 --> 00:51:43,491
And I go, my biggest regret?

1262
00:51:43,491 --> 00:51:45,276
Not fuckin'’ Ray Jay on tape.

1263
00:51:45,276 --> 00:51:48,409
[audience cheering]

1264
00:51:50,455 --> 00:51:52,805
That one alone.

1265
00:51:52,805 --> 00:51:56,025
Months later, Hillary Clinton
puts it in her audio book

1266
00:51:56,025 --> 00:51:57,723
about my photo scandal.

1267
00:51:57,723 --> 00:51:59,464
And she says something like,

1268
00:51:59,464 --> 00:52:01,770
I can'’t believe all of
the fallout from the photo

1269
00:52:01,770 --> 00:52:03,598
Kathy Griffin took.

1270
00:52:03,598 --> 00:52:05,861
She was clearly doing a
sendup of Perseus and Medusa.

1271
00:52:05,861 --> 00:52:08,995
[audience laughing]

1272
00:52:10,344 --> 00:52:11,911
Which I was.

1273
00:52:11,911 --> 00:52:16,133
[audience laughing]

1274
00:52:16,133 --> 00:52:17,482
I didn'’t go to
college, all right?

1275
00:52:17,482 --> 00:52:18,918
I started doing
commercials at 17.

1276
00:52:18,918 --> 00:52:21,964
So I was like Perseus
and Medea,

1277
00:52:21,964 --> 00:52:23,531
like is it a Tyler Perry thing?

1278
00:52:23,531 --> 00:52:26,795
[audience laughing]

1279
00:52:26,795 --> 00:52:28,188
All I'’m saying in is that,

1280
00:52:28,188 --> 00:52:29,711
if you hear me say
in an interview

1281
00:52:29,711 --> 00:52:31,235
that it was inspired
by Perseus and Medusa,

1282
00:52:31,235 --> 00:52:33,585
just fuckin'’ back me
up, just back me up.

1283
00:52:33,585 --> 00:52:35,500
Just be like oh my god,
she'’s a rogue scholar!

1284
00:52:35,500 --> 00:52:38,764
So no, it wasn'’t based
on anything but me,

1285
00:52:38,764 --> 00:52:40,418
just trying to put ketchup
on a mask and shame him,

1286
00:52:40,418 --> 00:52:41,854
and honestly, in my
world, you guys know.

1287
00:52:41,854 --> 00:52:43,769
I'’ve been doing
this shit for years.

1288
00:52:43,769 --> 00:52:46,206
And I really thought, this
photo will have a shelf life

1289
00:52:46,206 --> 00:52:48,687
on like two gay
blogs for two days.

1290
00:52:48,687 --> 00:52:51,820
That is the max, like I
really, truly had no idea

1291
00:52:51,820 --> 00:52:55,302
that they already had the
apparatus, which we'’d all seen,

1292
00:52:55,302 --> 00:52:58,218
but it had been used primarily
on his political opponents,

1293
00:52:58,218 --> 00:53:00,089
Little Marco, Lyin
Ted, that shit'’s true,

1294
00:53:00,089 --> 00:53:02,875
but I didn'’t know that the
minute that photo went to TMZ,

1295
00:53:02,875 --> 00:53:05,094
the Trump wood chipper
was up and running.

1296
00:53:05,094 --> 00:53:07,793
And the idea that the
objections would come

1297
00:53:07,793 --> 00:53:09,447
from the White House,

1298
00:53:09,447 --> 00:53:11,710
I mean my story, like
it or not, is historic,

1299
00:53:11,710 --> 00:53:13,494
and never in the history
of this great country

1300
00:53:13,494 --> 00:53:15,322
has a sitting United
States President

1301
00:53:15,322 --> 00:53:17,194
used the power of
the Oval Office,

1302
00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:20,197
the so-called First Family,
the Department of Justice,

1303
00:53:20,197 --> 00:53:22,111
and the Right-Wing
media to try to decimate

1304
00:53:22,111 --> 00:53:24,288
an American citizen, much
less an American comedian.

1305
00:53:24,288 --> 00:53:28,074
So, anyway, just want you to
know, it really can happen,

1306
00:53:28,074 --> 00:53:30,772
everybody vigilant,
let'’s be vigilant!

1307
00:53:30,772 --> 00:53:32,861
All right so um [laughs]

1308
00:53:32,861 --> 00:53:34,428
[audience laughing]

1309
00:53:34,428 --> 00:53:37,562
So what happened was
the photo goes on TMZ

1310
00:53:37,562 --> 00:53:39,303
and I swear to god,
I go back to bed.

1311
00:53:39,303 --> 00:53:40,826
I go back to bed, I
thought nothing of it.

1312
00:53:40,826 --> 00:53:42,784
The photographer had
called me and he goes,

1313
00:53:42,784 --> 00:53:45,352
"All right, the photo'’s online
and it'’s goin everywhere.

1314
00:53:45,352 --> 00:53:46,527
It'’s spreading like wildfire."

1315
00:53:46,527 --> 00:53:48,050
And I was like "Great!"

1316
00:53:48,050 --> 00:53:49,748
And I go back to bed,
not even kidding.

1317
00:53:49,748 --> 00:53:52,794
So what wakes me up, a
call from Rosie O'’Donnell.

1318
00:53:52,794 --> 00:53:55,275
And she calls and she goes
"Griffin, it'’s O'’Donnell."

1319
00:53:55,275 --> 00:53:56,798
[audience laughing]

1320
00:53:56,798 --> 00:53:58,757
And, I was kinda tired
and I go, "What'’s up Ro?"

1321
00:53:58,757 --> 00:54:01,020
and she goes, "Griffin,
everybody thinks you'’re
in ISIS.

1322
00:54:01,020 --> 00:54:03,283
I go "You'’re right," I hang up.

1323
00:54:03,283 --> 00:54:05,851
-[audience laughing]
-I swear to god!

1324
00:54:05,851 --> 00:54:07,418
'’Cause you know comics, that'’s
how we talk to each other.

1325
00:54:07,418 --> 00:54:08,767
And I thought that was
kind of a funny joke.

1326
00:54:08,767 --> 00:54:10,856
Ring, "Griffin,
it'’s O'’Donnell."

1327
00:54:10,856 --> 00:54:12,161
Jesus, what?

1328
00:54:12,161 --> 00:54:13,641
So, she'’s like "Seriously,

1329
00:54:13,641 --> 00:54:15,687
people honestly
think you'’re in ISIS."

1330
00:54:15,687 --> 00:54:17,210
So I put on CNN,

1331
00:54:17,210 --> 00:54:19,212
and here'’s what I learned
from this experience,

1332
00:54:19,212 --> 00:54:22,694
it turns out, there is such
a thing as bad publicity.

1333
00:54:22,694 --> 00:54:27,916
-[audience laughing]
-[audience applauding]

1334
00:54:29,135 --> 00:54:30,919
So, people ask me all the time,

1335
00:54:30,919 --> 00:54:32,269
why did you make
the apology video?

1336
00:54:32,269 --> 00:54:33,792
And I'’ll tell you why.

1337
00:54:33,792 --> 00:54:35,359
I'’ve performed in
Iraq and Afghanistan,

1338
00:54:35,359 --> 00:54:37,752
I'’ve performed in
Kuwait and Uzbekistan,

1339
00:54:37,752 --> 00:54:41,495
I'’ve performed in the battle
zone under mortar fire.

1340
00:54:41,495 --> 00:54:43,671
What if Daniel Pearl'’s
mother saw the photo?

1341
00:54:43,671 --> 00:54:46,370
Honestly, that'’s why I made
the apology video, that'’s it.

1342
00:54:46,370 --> 00:54:48,546
And when I say it
was a narrow apology,

1343
00:54:48,546 --> 00:54:50,417
I mean it was like
practically just for her.

1344
00:54:50,417 --> 00:54:52,332
'’Cause what I'’ve found out
now, in talking to people

1345
00:54:52,332 --> 00:54:54,247
over the past year and a half,

1346
00:54:54,247 --> 00:54:57,119
is so many of the folks that
were so offended by the photo

1347
00:54:57,119 --> 00:54:58,904
and thought I was
inciting violence

1348
00:54:58,904 --> 00:55:00,601
and siding with ISIS
and all this stuff,

1349
00:55:00,601 --> 00:55:03,300
I would ask them, and I'’d
get a little more bold

1350
00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:04,692
as the year and a half went on,

1351
00:55:04,692 --> 00:55:06,259
and I would say,
"Are you military?

1352
00:55:06,259 --> 00:55:07,869
"Has it triggered
you in this way?"

1353
00:55:07,869 --> 00:55:09,915
And 99% of them were dudes

1354
00:55:09,915 --> 00:55:11,960
that had never been
in the military go,

1355
00:55:11,960 --> 00:55:14,528
"No, but I'’ve watched those
on YouTube and they'’re gross."

1356
00:55:14,528 --> 00:55:16,487
OK, if that'’s your
idea of a good time,

1357
00:55:16,487 --> 00:55:19,577
go fuck yourself, apology
rescinded, apology rescinded.

1358
00:55:19,577 --> 00:55:22,493
If you'’re watching real
decapitation videos on YouTube,

1359
00:55:22,493 --> 00:55:25,278
then my picture'’s
quite harmless

1360
00:55:25,278 --> 00:55:26,975
and you should know
better you psycho.

1361
00:55:26,975 --> 00:55:28,542
[audience laughing]

1362
00:55:28,542 --> 00:55:30,501
So, it goes on TMZ,
and then, like I said,

1363
00:55:30,501 --> 00:55:33,504
it took off, so I put
on the news and it'’s

1364
00:55:33,504 --> 00:55:35,462
bum bum bum, breaking news.

1365
00:55:35,462 --> 00:55:36,855
[audience groaning]

1366
00:55:36,855 --> 00:55:39,466
Oh yes, no call or
anything, but the famous

1367
00:55:39,466 --> 00:55:42,295
"CNN is letting go of
comedian Kathy Griffin

1368
00:55:42,295 --> 00:55:44,297
for the New Years
Eve broadcast."

1369
00:55:44,297 --> 00:55:46,081
Oh, can I tell you
the one that hurt?

1370
00:55:46,081 --> 00:55:47,953
Bum bum bum, ticker,

1371
00:55:47,953 --> 00:55:50,434
"Kathy Griffin dropped as
the international spokeswoman

1372
00:55:50,434 --> 00:55:51,696
for Squatty Potty."

1373
00:55:51,696 --> 00:55:55,613
[audience laughing]

1374
00:55:55,613 --> 00:55:56,614
That'’s right.

1375
00:55:56,614 --> 00:55:57,963
That one hurt, all right?

1376
00:55:57,963 --> 00:55:59,747
First of all,

1377
00:55:59,747 --> 00:56:01,923
I was damn proud to be the face
of Squatty Potty goddammit.

1378
00:56:01,923 --> 00:56:03,534
[audience laughing]

1379
00:56:03,534 --> 00:56:05,710
That'’s right, and the
commercial was called

1380
00:56:05,710 --> 00:56:08,713
"Kathy Griffin is
the Queen of Poop."

1381
00:56:08,713 --> 00:56:11,063
And I wore that crown
proudly, goddammit.

1382
00:56:11,063 --> 00:56:13,108
Every day, it may
have been invisible

1383
00:56:13,108 --> 00:56:14,936
but I was the Queen of Poop
and that meant something.

1384
00:56:14,936 --> 00:56:18,462
So bum bum bum, so that
somehow was breaking news,

1385
00:56:18,462 --> 00:56:21,421
but like I said, the
walls were just caving in,

1386
00:56:21,421 --> 00:56:23,771
and then, the tweet
heart around the world,

1387
00:56:23,771 --> 00:56:26,208
the dad, the accidental
president Donald Trump,

1388
00:56:26,208 --> 00:56:27,253
I brought it!

1389
00:56:27,253 --> 00:56:28,820
[audience laughing]

1390
00:56:28,820 --> 00:56:30,865
So here was the one,
because New York Magazine

1391
00:56:30,865 --> 00:56:33,041
wrote a pretty favorable
article about me

1392
00:56:33,041 --> 00:56:35,609
a few months ago and it
kinda started the turnaround,

1393
00:56:35,609 --> 00:56:38,264
and the writer had a
great line in there

1394
00:56:38,264 --> 00:56:40,397
saying that for the
first time in history,

1395
00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:42,486
a President'’s Twitter feed

1396
00:56:42,486 --> 00:56:45,140
is the most powerful
programming tool in television.

1397
00:56:45,140 --> 00:56:47,055
'’Cause every time he tweets
something crazy enough,

1398
00:56:47,055 --> 00:56:48,883
bum bum bum, breaking news.

1399
00:56:48,883 --> 00:56:50,363
All right, so by the way,

1400
00:56:50,363 --> 00:56:52,800
can you even imagine
Obama, or even W,

1401
00:56:52,800 --> 00:56:55,673
ever commenting
on a comic, ever?

1402
00:56:55,673 --> 00:56:57,239
All right, here we go.

1403
00:56:57,239 --> 00:56:58,850
So this is from the
accidental President.

1404
00:56:58,850 --> 00:57:00,721
"Kathy Griffin should
be ashamed of herself.

1405
00:57:00,721 --> 00:57:04,203
My children, especially
my 11-year-old son Barron,

1406
00:57:04,203 --> 00:57:05,639
are having a time with this.

1407
00:57:05,639 --> 00:57:07,249
"Sick!"

1408
00:57:07,249 --> 00:57:11,428
OK, I'’m gonna suggest
Barron has seen worse

1409
00:57:11,428 --> 00:57:13,212
on a fuckin'’ Wednesday, OK?

1410
00:57:13,212 --> 00:57:15,083
[audience laughing]

1411
00:57:15,083 --> 00:57:16,650
Really?

1412
00:57:16,650 --> 00:57:18,304
Like, the Access Hollywood
tape alone

1413
00:57:18,304 --> 00:57:19,827
I think was a little
bigger than a fuckin'’ mask

1414
00:57:19,827 --> 00:57:21,699
but OK, it'’s about
the children, right?

1415
00:57:21,699 --> 00:57:24,397
[audience applauding]

1416
00:57:24,397 --> 00:57:26,660
That one.

1417
00:57:26,660 --> 00:57:30,272
He'’s paying off porn stars,
he'’s admitting to affairs.

1418
00:57:30,272 --> 00:57:33,537
So once again,
once that happens,

1419
00:57:33,537 --> 00:57:36,931
then the tour cancellations
started coming in.

1420
00:57:36,931 --> 00:57:39,891
So I got a call from
my then stand-up agent

1421
00:57:39,891 --> 00:57:41,414
and he said, "OK well,

1422
00:57:41,414 --> 00:57:42,807
one theater got a
bunch of death threats

1423
00:57:42,807 --> 00:57:44,635
and are canceling the show."

1424
00:57:44,635 --> 00:57:45,766
And I said, "All right, I'’ve
been through this before,

1425
00:57:45,766 --> 00:57:47,420
I can weather the storm."

1426
00:57:47,420 --> 00:57:50,379
And then, somehow, TMZ
was reporting every one

1427
00:57:50,379 --> 00:57:52,381
of my tour cancellations
in real time,

1428
00:57:52,381 --> 00:57:54,383
like the same time I
was hearing about them.

1429
00:57:54,383 --> 00:57:56,081
So I know it sounds crazy,

1430
00:57:56,081 --> 00:57:57,604
to think that they
were coordinating

1431
00:57:57,604 --> 00:57:59,345
but I'’m pretty sure
they fucking were

1432
00:57:59,345 --> 00:58:01,565
and that'’s where we are and
I know how nuts that is.

1433
00:58:01,565 --> 00:58:03,523
So then, fuckin
Melanie chimes in.

1434
00:58:03,523 --> 00:58:05,569
Get this shit, same day.

1435
00:58:05,569 --> 00:58:10,269
So Melanie writes,
"As a mother,
wife, and a human being,"

1436
00:58:10,269 --> 00:58:14,447
[audience laughing]

1437
00:58:14,447 --> 00:58:16,144
You guys are we
so Handmaids Tale

1438
00:58:16,144 --> 00:58:18,756
that even the
First Lady is like,

1439
00:58:18,756 --> 00:58:22,063
I better assert on Twitter
that I'’m a human being,

1440
00:58:22,063 --> 00:58:23,848
just to see if I still am.

1441
00:58:23,848 --> 00:58:26,328
"That photo makes you wonder
about the mental health

1442
00:58:26,328 --> 00:58:27,852
of the person who did it."

1443
00:58:27,852 --> 00:58:29,157
Well, back atcha bitch.

1444
00:58:29,157 --> 00:58:31,899
[audience laughing]

1445
00:58:31,899 --> 00:58:33,466
I really do care.

1446
00:58:33,466 --> 00:58:36,817
[audience applauding]

1447
00:58:39,385 --> 00:58:41,387
All right, so I'’m
gonna be honest,

1448
00:58:41,387 --> 00:58:42,780
some people were nice

1449
00:58:42,780 --> 00:58:44,259
and some people
were really tough.

1450
00:58:44,259 --> 00:58:46,566
Like I said, I
believe honesty is key

1451
00:58:46,566 --> 00:58:50,918
and it was hard to
see how many people

1452
00:58:50,918 --> 00:58:52,746
went out of their way
to twist the knife,

1453
00:58:52,746 --> 00:58:55,227
and look, I loved Al
Franken as a senator,

1454
00:58:55,227 --> 00:58:57,185
I had many fundraisers
for him in my home,

1455
00:58:57,185 --> 00:59:00,058
and he called me that
day and he just said,

1456
00:59:00,058 --> 00:59:03,409
"Kathy, what were
you thinking?"

1457
00:59:03,409 --> 00:59:06,064
And I was gonna host two
book events for him for free.

1458
00:59:06,064 --> 00:59:10,285
And he goes, "I can'’t be
associated with you now."

1459
00:59:10,285 --> 00:59:11,722
I started crying so bad

1460
00:59:11,722 --> 00:59:13,506
I just couldn'’t even
finish the call,

1461
00:59:13,506 --> 00:59:17,641
so I loved him as a senator,
but I'’m just being honest,

1462
00:59:17,641 --> 00:59:19,512
it was fuckin'’ rough.

1463
00:59:19,512 --> 00:59:22,297
And then I had other
celebrities telling me,

1464
00:59:22,297 --> 00:59:23,777
Sharon Stone goes,

1465
00:59:23,777 --> 00:59:24,735
"You have to leave the
country for eight years,"

1466
00:59:24,735 --> 00:59:25,910
and I go "You first."

1467
00:59:25,910 --> 00:59:29,261
[audience laughing]

1468
00:59:29,261 --> 00:59:31,219
I got just a lot of
really crazy advice

1469
00:59:31,219 --> 00:59:33,613
at a time where I
already felt super crazy.

1470
00:59:33,613 --> 00:59:35,136
And then my mother
is telling me,

1471
00:59:35,136 --> 00:59:36,398
now you can finally
be a dental hygienist,

1472
00:59:36,398 --> 00:59:37,530
which is her real dream.

1473
00:59:37,530 --> 00:59:40,446
[audience laughing]

1474
00:59:40,446 --> 00:59:42,404
Then, the other tweet
heard around my world,

1475
00:59:42,404 --> 00:59:43,797
the Anderson Cooper tweet.

1476
00:59:43,797 --> 00:59:45,451
Now we'’re gonna go there,

1477
00:59:45,451 --> 00:59:46,539
'’cause I know it'’s
what you showed up for

1478
00:59:46,539 --> 00:59:48,454
and I'’m gonna give you the tea.

1479
00:59:48,454 --> 00:59:49,716
I'’m opening the pot, I'’m
gonna spill some right now.

1480
00:59:49,716 --> 00:59:51,326
All right, so here'’s the deal,

1481
00:59:51,326 --> 00:59:52,719
I don'’t have a punch
line for this one.

1482
00:59:52,719 --> 00:59:54,329
It just hurt, and
it just sucked,

1483
00:59:54,329 --> 00:59:55,679
and that'’s all there is to it.

1484
00:59:55,679 --> 00:59:57,419
But everyone
knows that feeling,

1485
00:59:57,419 --> 00:59:59,247
whether you'’re at
the office party

1486
00:59:59,247 --> 01:00:01,423
or the relative Christmas
party, or whatever,

1487
01:00:01,423 --> 01:00:03,469
where if you'’re kinda
getting dogpiled,

1488
01:00:03,469 --> 01:00:04,949
you always know that one person

1489
01:00:04,949 --> 01:00:06,907
is gonna have your
back no matter what.

1490
01:00:06,907 --> 01:00:10,389
Well, I was wrong, and
by the way like I said,

1491
01:00:10,389 --> 01:00:12,347
everybody already
came for me that day

1492
01:00:12,347 --> 01:00:14,132
and I already lost everything
and am fired from everything,

1493
01:00:14,132 --> 01:00:16,438
and all this stuff, so
I just want you to know

1494
01:00:16,438 --> 01:00:18,440
I really don'’t think Anderson
had to write the tweet,

1495
01:00:18,440 --> 01:00:19,703
but I did bring it.

1496
01:00:19,703 --> 01:00:22,619
[audience laughing]

1497
01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:24,316
All right, so here we go.

1498
01:00:24,316 --> 01:00:25,970
"For the record I am
appalled by the photo shoot

1499
01:00:25,970 --> 01:00:27,145
Kathy Griffin took part in.

1500
01:00:27,145 --> 01:00:29,060
It is clearly disgusting."

1501
01:00:29,060 --> 01:00:32,454
OK, so, you know, I had
to just take that one in.

1502
01:00:32,454 --> 01:00:34,369
No call, but I
thought, all right,

1503
01:00:34,369 --> 01:00:36,241
this is just
that kind of a day.

1504
01:00:36,241 --> 01:00:38,243
And like I said, I was getting
all kinds of crazy calls.

1505
01:00:38,243 --> 01:00:42,290
So, sure enough the Anderson
Cooper tweet was hurtful.

1506
01:00:42,290 --> 01:00:44,815
Now, when I tell you that
the death threats started

1507
01:00:44,815 --> 01:00:46,817
the day of the photo,
they started online,

1508
01:00:46,817 --> 01:00:48,949
and unfortunately once
again, everybody here

1509
01:00:48,949 --> 01:00:50,734
knows what that'’s like.

1510
01:00:50,734 --> 01:00:51,909
Everybody knows what a
cesspool social media can be.

1511
01:00:51,909 --> 01:00:53,432
But, I actually got,

1512
01:00:53,432 --> 01:00:55,347
today wasn'’t my first
call from the FBI,

1513
01:00:55,347 --> 01:00:56,740
we'’re old friends!

1514
01:00:56,740 --> 01:00:58,306
[audience laughing]

1515
01:00:58,306 --> 01:01:00,134
So that day they actually
called and they said

1516
01:01:00,134 --> 01:01:01,483
Ms. Griffin, you'’re
actually under several,

1517
01:01:01,483 --> 01:01:03,747
what we deem to be
called credible threats.

1518
01:01:03,747 --> 01:01:05,749
The online threats
they would look at,

1519
01:01:05,749 --> 01:01:08,665
but the very next day I
started getting old-timey,

1520
01:01:08,665 --> 01:01:11,450
old-fashioned mail
threats with stamps.

1521
01:01:11,450 --> 01:01:12,712
'’Cause old people love Trump

1522
01:01:12,712 --> 01:01:14,409
and they fuckin'’
love stamps too.

1523
01:01:14,409 --> 01:01:15,976
[audience laughing]

1524
01:01:15,976 --> 01:01:17,674
Hand-in-hand.

1525
01:01:17,674 --> 01:01:20,285
So then the FBI had to
teach us how to separate

1526
01:01:20,285 --> 01:01:22,417
the ones that are
definitely credible threats,

1527
01:01:22,417 --> 01:01:24,637
so we have to put
them in a Ziploc bag

1528
01:01:24,637 --> 01:01:26,508
and then they take them.

1529
01:01:26,508 --> 01:01:28,032
And then there'’s another pile
where we like discuss it,

1530
01:01:28,032 --> 01:01:29,511
and they tell us which
ones are credible,

1531
01:01:29,511 --> 01:01:31,035
and then there'’s
another pile, frankly,

1532
01:01:31,035 --> 01:01:32,514
that'’s just for my act.

1533
01:01:32,514 --> 01:01:34,255
[audience laughing]

1534
01:01:34,255 --> 01:01:36,431
You gotta laugh at this
point, you gotta laugh.

1535
01:01:36,431 --> 01:01:39,130
So the day after
the photo was live,

1536
01:01:39,130 --> 01:01:41,610
I then received truly
a stack of mail,

1537
01:01:41,610 --> 01:01:43,308
like in an old-time
sitcom or something.

1538
01:01:43,308 --> 01:01:45,179
Oh yes, yes.

1539
01:01:45,179 --> 01:01:47,529
Lots of ways to
shoot me in the cunt.

1540
01:01:47,529 --> 01:01:50,358
And 98% of them were,

1541
01:01:50,358 --> 01:01:52,709
let'’s just say, negative.

1542
01:01:52,709 --> 01:01:54,101
[audience laughing]

1543
01:01:54,101 --> 01:01:56,103
There were a handful
of nice ones,

1544
01:01:56,103 --> 01:01:57,539
and I'’m gonna be honest since
I'’m doing a lot of whining,

1545
01:01:57,539 --> 01:01:59,454
but there were some that
were really touching

1546
01:01:59,454 --> 01:02:01,282
and I spent a lot of time
the first couple of months

1547
01:02:01,282 --> 01:02:02,893
just returning them
and saying thank you.

1548
01:02:02,893 --> 01:02:05,069
So I got this one
on the outside,

1549
01:02:05,069 --> 01:02:07,201
and normally I would have
opened it, but I just knew,

1550
01:02:07,201 --> 01:02:10,901
and on the outside of it, it
said, "From Bobby from
Sarasota."

1551
01:02:10,901 --> 01:02:12,163
[audience laughing]

1552
01:02:12,163 --> 01:02:14,121
Now, as you know,
I'’ve been an A

1553
01:02:14,121 --> 01:02:18,691
in the LGBTQIA2345
community for many years,

1554
01:02:18,691 --> 01:02:20,127
so somehow I knew.

1555
01:02:20,127 --> 01:02:23,522
I knew that this was
gay Bobby from Sarasota.

1556
01:02:23,522 --> 01:02:25,959
I knew that Bobby knew
he needed no last name.

1557
01:02:25,959 --> 01:02:28,266
He was Bobby from Sarasota.

1558
01:02:28,266 --> 01:02:31,182
Everybody in Sarasota knows
Bobby, you fuckin'’ kidding me?

1559
01:02:31,182 --> 01:02:33,010
You can call the mayor
of Sarasota right now

1560
01:02:33,010 --> 01:02:35,142
and say where'’s gay Bobby
they'’ll say at the diner.

1561
01:02:35,142 --> 01:02:36,143
They all know him!

1562
01:02:36,143 --> 01:02:37,144
[audience laughing]

1563
01:02:37,144 --> 01:02:38,667
They all know him.

1564
01:02:38,667 --> 01:02:41,409
So, the day after the
photo, I get a letter

1565
01:02:41,409 --> 01:02:42,671
from Bobby from Sarasota,

1566
01:02:42,671 --> 01:02:44,108
and it couldn'’t
have been nicer.

1567
01:02:44,108 --> 01:02:45,674
It was very supportive
and very sweet.

1568
01:02:45,674 --> 01:02:48,547
And then, I noticed
there was a second letter

1569
01:02:48,547 --> 01:02:51,332
in the envelope that was
a totally separate letter

1570
01:02:51,332 --> 01:02:53,160
to Anderson Cooper.

1571
01:02:53,160 --> 01:02:55,119
So I remember thinking oh
shit, Bobby, you fucked up,

1572
01:02:55,119 --> 01:02:57,208
you accidentally put the
Anderson letter in here.

1573
01:02:57,208 --> 01:02:59,950
Then at the bottom of the
letter he wrote to me,

1574
01:02:59,950 --> 01:03:02,387
he wrote, "And Ms.
Griffin, I am including

1575
01:03:02,387 --> 01:03:04,345
the letter I'’ve already
sent Anderson Cooper

1576
01:03:04,345 --> 01:03:05,433
for your perusal."

1577
01:03:05,433 --> 01:03:08,262
[audience laughing]

1578
01:03:08,262 --> 01:03:11,396
[audience cheering]

1579
01:03:17,141 --> 01:03:19,665
So, first of all,
let me just say

1580
01:03:19,665 --> 01:03:22,146
that there are a lot
of words in this letter

1581
01:03:22,146 --> 01:03:26,063
that are wrong
and inappropriate.

1582
01:03:26,063 --> 01:03:29,370
And I also may have laughed
out loud three times.

1583
01:03:29,370 --> 01:03:31,155
[audience laughing]

1584
01:03:31,155 --> 01:03:32,721
Here we go,
Bobby from Sarasota.

1585
01:03:32,721 --> 01:03:34,593
And also, let me
just guarantee you,

1586
01:03:34,593 --> 01:03:38,249
Anderson Vanderbilt has never
gotten a letter like this

1587
01:03:38,249 --> 01:03:39,424
in his life.

1588
01:03:39,424 --> 01:03:41,078
[audience laughing]

1589
01:03:41,078 --> 01:03:43,471
"Anderson, from one
homo to another,

1590
01:03:43,471 --> 01:03:44,646
you'’re a fickle faggot."

1591
01:03:44,646 --> 01:03:47,954
[audience applauding]

1592
01:03:52,785 --> 01:03:56,267
Bobby'’s pissed, pissed!

1593
01:03:56,267 --> 01:03:58,399
"Really, not supporting
and backing Kathy Griffin

1594
01:03:58,399 --> 01:04:00,271
after she had your
back for years?

1595
01:04:00,271 --> 01:04:02,882
Even didn'’t talk about your
cock sucking in her comedy

1596
01:04:02,882 --> 01:04:05,015
back when you were
a closeted queen?"

1597
01:04:05,015 --> 01:04:08,366
[audience applauding]

1598
01:04:13,675 --> 01:04:15,416
All right, and this is
what I love about the gays.

1599
01:04:15,416 --> 01:04:17,288
He ends it in textbook style.

1600
01:04:17,288 --> 01:04:21,292
"Homo 101: you always
back your fag hag."

1601
01:04:21,292 --> 01:04:24,773
[audience cheering]

1602
01:04:24,773 --> 01:04:27,515
And I will be your hag as
long as you will have me!

1603
01:04:27,515 --> 01:04:29,213
It is my honor to be your hag.

1604
01:04:29,213 --> 01:04:33,478
[audience applauding]

1605
01:04:33,478 --> 01:04:34,958
I know, I love gay Bobby.

1606
01:04:34,958 --> 01:04:36,394
When I played Sarasota,
I invited him.

1607
01:04:36,394 --> 01:04:37,569
He was just like you
would think, he was like,

1608
01:04:37,569 --> 01:04:38,875
"Bitch, you got a raw deal!"

1609
01:04:38,875 --> 01:04:40,441
I was like, "Bobby!"

1610
01:04:40,441 --> 01:04:43,880
[audience laughing]

1611
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:45,751
Oh, the other thing
I have to tell you

1612
01:04:45,751 --> 01:04:48,362
is I would say, no joke, about
a third of the death threats

1613
01:04:48,362 --> 01:04:50,364
that came in the
old-timey mail to my house

1614
01:04:50,364 --> 01:04:52,627
had actual return addresses.

1615
01:04:52,627 --> 01:04:56,501
[audience laughing]

1616
01:04:56,501 --> 01:04:58,895
The Trumpers are
not like academics.

1617
01:05:01,245 --> 01:05:02,811
He loves the uneducated.

1618
01:05:02,811 --> 01:05:05,727
So when I would hand one
of those to an FBI agent,

1619
01:05:05,727 --> 01:05:07,207
it was the funniest thing.

1620
01:05:07,207 --> 01:05:08,339
'’Cause you hand
someone a death threat

1621
01:05:08,339 --> 01:05:10,210
with an actual return address,

1622
01:05:10,210 --> 01:05:13,300
and he'’s just like this, oh!

1623
01:05:13,300 --> 01:05:16,303
[audience laughing]

1624
01:05:16,303 --> 01:05:18,958
"Well I will have an
answer in three minutes."

1625
01:05:18,958 --> 01:05:20,699
[audience laughing]

1626
01:05:20,699 --> 01:05:23,180
Really streamlines the
process, I have to say.

1627
01:05:25,095 --> 01:05:27,401
It was obviously
a very crazy day,

1628
01:05:27,401 --> 01:05:29,708
but I have to be honest, I
got two calls personally,

1629
01:05:29,708 --> 01:05:31,666
one was Jamie Foxx,
and I say that

1630
01:05:31,666 --> 01:05:33,494
'’cause I really
don'’t even know him,

1631
01:05:33,494 --> 01:05:35,714
so it really meant a lot
that he like tracked me down.

1632
01:05:35,714 --> 01:05:37,890
And the other one
was from someone else

1633
01:05:37,890 --> 01:05:39,196
that I don'’t really
know that well,

1634
01:05:39,196 --> 01:05:41,328
but Jim Carrey tracked me down.

1635
01:05:41,328 --> 01:05:43,330
And, here'’s the thing, I
don'’t know him very well,

1636
01:05:43,330 --> 01:05:44,766
I'’ve met him a few
times over the years,

1637
01:05:44,766 --> 01:05:46,507
but I actually think
he'’s really accomplished

1638
01:05:46,507 --> 01:05:48,857
kind of everything you
possibly could want in comedy.

1639
01:05:48,857 --> 01:05:51,469
He'’s an amazing standup,
amazing sketch artist,

1640
01:05:51,469 --> 01:05:54,602
In Living Color, Ace Ventura
franchise, serious actor,

1641
01:05:54,602 --> 01:05:57,040
impressionist,
all these things.

1642
01:05:57,040 --> 01:05:59,346
So he calls me up and
believe it or not, normally,

1643
01:05:59,346 --> 01:06:01,087
obviously I would be
a fan girl and be like

1644
01:06:01,087 --> 01:06:02,959
oh my god Jim Carrey'’s
calling, what'’s going on?

1645
01:06:02,959 --> 01:06:05,439
And be trying to make
him laugh or whatever.

1646
01:06:05,439 --> 01:06:07,702
But when you'’re in a
situation this dire,

1647
01:06:07,702 --> 01:06:09,443
you just cut to the chase.

1648
01:06:09,443 --> 01:06:11,315
So I hear Jim
Carrey'’s on the phone,

1649
01:06:11,315 --> 01:06:14,535
so I was already sobbing,
and I said, "Jim,

1650
01:06:14,535 --> 01:06:17,016
"I'’m 58 years old,
I'’m a big girl,

1651
01:06:17,016 --> 01:06:18,887
"I'’ve been in this
business for 40 years,

1652
01:06:18,887 --> 01:06:22,239
"but I need someone to really,
really be honest with me

1653
01:06:22,239 --> 01:06:24,850
"and I need someone like
you to just be honest

1654
01:06:24,850 --> 01:06:27,374
"and just tell me,
is it over for me?"

1655
01:06:27,374 --> 01:06:31,335
If I know it'’s over, I can kind
of try to rejigger my brain

1656
01:06:31,335 --> 01:06:33,380
and think about what
my future would be,

1657
01:06:33,380 --> 01:06:35,426
but I needed to hear it
from someone like that.

1658
01:06:35,426 --> 01:06:36,862
And I said, "I can take it.

1659
01:06:36,862 --> 01:06:39,908
I just need to hear,
just go for it."

1660
01:06:39,908 --> 01:06:43,173
And he goes, "Kathy, today,

1661
01:06:43,173 --> 01:06:45,871
you'’re the most famous
comedian in the world."

1662
01:06:45,871 --> 01:06:49,005
[audience cheering]

1663
01:06:57,013 --> 01:07:00,059
And I go "For all
the wrong reasons!"

1664
01:07:00,059 --> 01:07:01,539
[audience laughing]

1665
01:07:01,539 --> 01:07:02,714
Did I just turn into
Mary Tyler Moore

1666
01:07:02,714 --> 01:07:04,237
from The Dick Van Dyke Show?

1667
01:07:04,237 --> 01:07:07,371
-[audience laughing]
-Oh no!

1668
01:07:07,371 --> 01:07:10,069
So, he couldn'’t have been
nicer, and he said, "Look...

1669
01:07:10,069 --> 01:07:12,376
You got the worst president
in the history of this country,

1670
01:07:12,376 --> 01:07:15,944
who'’s basically put his thumb
on the shoulder of your life

1671
01:07:15,944 --> 01:07:17,424
and is trying to ruin you."

1672
01:07:17,424 --> 01:07:20,123
He goes, "I think
honestly, any comedian

1673
01:07:20,123 --> 01:07:22,386
would give their right arm
to have this happen to them.

1674
01:07:22,386 --> 01:07:24,170
'’Cause at the end of this..."

1675
01:07:24,170 --> 01:07:25,606
And this phrase just always
stuck with me, he goes,

1676
01:07:25,606 --> 01:07:27,043
"You'’re gonna take as
long of time as you need

1677
01:07:27,043 --> 01:07:29,828
to process it, and
then you'’re gonna put it

1678
01:07:29,828 --> 01:07:31,525
through your Kathy
Griffin comedy prism

1679
01:07:31,525 --> 01:07:33,832
and you'’re gonna make the
story funny and relatable

1680
01:07:33,832 --> 01:07:35,486
and you'’re gonna go tell it."

1681
01:07:35,486 --> 01:07:37,444
So, thank you Jim Carrey!

1682
01:07:37,444 --> 01:07:40,578
[audience cheering]

1683
01:07:48,368 --> 01:07:50,240
Oh, it was bad.

1684
01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:54,418
So, what actually
happened the next day

1685
01:07:54,418 --> 01:07:57,508
was I got a call from my
entertainment attorney

1686
01:07:57,508 --> 01:07:59,249
and then later my First
Amendment attorney

1687
01:07:59,249 --> 01:08:00,859
who'’s named Alan Isaacman,

1688
01:08:00,859 --> 01:08:02,382
and he won the landmark
Supreme Court case,

1689
01:08:02,382 --> 01:08:04,341
Jerry Falwell vs.
Hustler Magazine.

1690
01:08:04,341 --> 01:08:06,386
Because when you'’re
in this much trouble,

1691
01:08:06,386 --> 01:08:08,258
you want the guy that
got Larry Flint off

1692
01:08:08,258 --> 01:08:10,216
in front of the Supreme Court.

1693
01:08:10,216 --> 01:08:11,261
[audience cheering]

1694
01:08:11,261 --> 01:08:13,219
OK, that'’s what you want.

1695
01:08:13,219 --> 01:08:16,918
So anyway, he says, "Hey kid,
I gotta tell you something."

1696
01:08:16,918 --> 01:08:18,311
And whenever he starts
with something like that,

1697
01:08:18,311 --> 01:08:19,443
it'’s not good.

1698
01:08:19,443 --> 01:08:20,966
And I was like, God now what?

1699
01:08:20,966 --> 01:08:22,359
I had already lost
my living, my future,

1700
01:08:22,359 --> 01:08:25,057
all this other
stuff, and he goes,

1701
01:08:25,057 --> 01:08:27,625
"I just got a call from
the Department of Justice

1702
01:08:27,625 --> 01:08:29,801
and they'’re putting
you under what'’s called

1703
01:08:29,801 --> 01:08:31,716
an open-ended investigation."

1704
01:08:31,716 --> 01:08:33,283
And I just started shaking.

1705
01:08:33,283 --> 01:08:34,762
You know, I'’ve never been
arrested or anything,

1706
01:08:34,762 --> 01:08:36,286
I don'’t know anything
about this world,

1707
01:08:36,286 --> 01:08:39,332
and I said,
"Did I do something wrong?"

1708
01:08:39,332 --> 01:08:40,638
And he said, "No."

1709
01:08:40,638 --> 01:08:43,031
I said, "Did I break the law?"

1710
01:08:43,031 --> 01:08:44,946
He said, "No."

1711
01:08:44,946 --> 01:08:48,472
And I said, "Did I violate the
First Amendment in any way?"

1712
01:08:48,472 --> 01:08:49,951
And he goes, "No."

1713
01:08:49,951 --> 01:08:52,911
So, I said, "OK,
what does this mean?"

1714
01:08:52,911 --> 01:08:54,347
He goes, "Well right
now, they put you

1715
01:08:54,347 --> 01:08:55,914
on the no fly list."

1716
01:08:55,914 --> 01:08:57,045
[audience groans]

1717
01:08:57,045 --> 01:08:58,656
So I want to tell you guys that

1718
01:08:58,656 --> 01:09:00,092
'’cause a lot of people
don'’t know that.

1719
01:09:00,092 --> 01:09:01,049
I was on the no fly
list for two months

1720
01:09:01,049 --> 01:09:02,877
like a fucking terrorist.

1721
01:09:02,877 --> 01:09:07,317
So then, I said OK, I
guess I'’m not going anywhere,

1722
01:09:07,317 --> 01:09:09,449
but what else can they do?

1723
01:09:09,449 --> 01:09:11,321
And he said, "Look,
I'’ve been dealing with,"

1724
01:09:11,321 --> 01:09:13,149
'’Cause a lot of people don'’t
know I was investigated

1725
01:09:13,149 --> 01:09:15,673
by two federal agencies, the
Secret Service and the AUSA,

1726
01:09:15,673 --> 01:09:17,327
the Assistant US
Attorney'’s Office.

1727
01:09:17,327 --> 01:09:18,806
So they have that
prosecutor ready

1728
01:09:18,806 --> 01:09:20,765
to file charges if
they found anything.

1729
01:09:20,765 --> 01:09:24,986
And I said, "Well what should
I do or what can I expect?"

1730
01:09:24,986 --> 01:09:26,510
And he said, "Well, look.

1731
01:09:26,510 --> 01:09:28,773
They can do something
called a no-knock raid."

1732
01:09:28,773 --> 01:09:30,383
Well, because of Michael
Cohen and Paul Manafort

1733
01:09:30,383 --> 01:09:32,037
we all know what that is now!

1734
01:09:32,037 --> 01:09:34,170
Months later I was
bragging to my girlfriends.

1735
01:09:34,170 --> 01:09:36,172
Uh-huh, it'’s a
no-knock raid, yeah.

1736
01:09:36,172 --> 01:09:38,957
So it means they don'’t even
have to knock, yeah, no knock.

1737
01:09:38,957 --> 01:09:40,741
And they come like around
five in the morning,

1738
01:09:40,741 --> 01:09:42,221
'’cause that'’s when
everyone'’s sleeping.

1739
01:09:42,221 --> 01:09:43,527
[audience laughing]

1740
01:09:43,527 --> 01:09:44,876
Oh yes, I had to
learn all this.

1741
01:09:44,876 --> 01:09:46,747
I'’m very versed in all this.

1742
01:09:46,747 --> 01:09:48,575
I had to learn who all the
Nazis are that come after me,

1743
01:09:48,575 --> 01:09:50,360
what their names are,
what their gripe is,

1744
01:09:50,360 --> 01:09:52,579
all the far-right groups,
all the conspiracy theories.

1745
01:09:52,579 --> 01:09:53,667
This is my world now.

1746
01:09:53,667 --> 01:09:55,452
This is my fuckin'’ timeline.

1747
01:09:55,452 --> 01:09:58,933
Anyway, he says they'’re opening
an open-ended investigation

1748
01:09:58,933 --> 01:10:00,935
and after the
no-knock raid I said,

1749
01:10:00,935 --> 01:10:03,982
"Well is there anything else
that I should be prepared for?"

1750
01:10:03,982 --> 01:10:05,418
And he said, "Look,
they have the right,

1751
01:10:05,418 --> 01:10:07,159
if they want to,
to tap your phone."

1752
01:10:07,159 --> 01:10:09,596
And now I can laugh about it,

1753
01:10:09,596 --> 01:10:11,076
but it'’s a weird feeling,

1754
01:10:11,076 --> 01:10:13,296
but the reason I
laugh now is I think,

1755
01:10:13,296 --> 01:10:14,906
if they were tapping my phones,

1756
01:10:14,906 --> 01:10:16,342
which I actually
don'’t think they were,

1757
01:10:16,342 --> 01:10:18,431
they would be just
hearing me talking

1758
01:10:18,431 --> 01:10:20,128
to one of my gay friends

1759
01:10:20,128 --> 01:10:21,217
about last night'’s
Ru Paul'’s Drag Race.

1760
01:10:21,217 --> 01:10:22,218
[audience laughing]

1761
01:10:22,218 --> 01:10:23,436
Like that would be,

1762
01:10:24,220 --> 01:10:25,743
Miss Vanjie,

1763
01:10:27,397 --> 01:10:29,877
Miss Vanjie,

1764
01:10:29,877 --> 01:10:32,010
Miss Vanjie!

1765
01:10:32,010 --> 01:10:33,751
[audience applauding]

1766
01:10:33,751 --> 01:10:35,492
And I'’m picturing like
the old fashioned FBI guy,

1767
01:10:35,492 --> 01:10:38,234
outside in the van like,
with the Beats by Dre like,

1768
01:10:38,234 --> 01:10:40,192
"Who'’s this Vanjie,
is she ISIS?"

1769
01:10:40,192 --> 01:10:41,802
[audience laughing]

1770
01:10:41,802 --> 01:10:43,239
"Is she a very high-ranking
member of ISIS?

1771
01:10:43,239 --> 01:10:44,849
Track down Miss Vanjie!"

1772
01:10:44,849 --> 01:10:45,980
Good luck!

1773
01:10:45,980 --> 01:10:47,155
[audience laughing]

1774
01:10:47,155 --> 01:10:48,983
She'’ll fucking cut a bitch.

1775
01:10:48,983 --> 01:10:54,293
So, anyway, I said, "Well, when
you say open investigation,

1776
01:10:54,293 --> 01:10:55,947
what does that mean?"

1777
01:10:55,947 --> 01:10:57,383
And he said, "It means
they can keep it open

1778
01:10:57,383 --> 01:10:58,950
as long as they want."

1779
01:10:58,950 --> 01:11:01,648
And I said, "OK well,
then what happens?"

1780
01:11:01,648 --> 01:11:03,084
And he said, "Well
they investigate you

1781
01:11:03,084 --> 01:11:04,564
as long as they
feel is appropriate,

1782
01:11:04,564 --> 01:11:05,652
and then they
decide whether or not

1783
01:11:05,652 --> 01:11:07,654
to charge you with a crime."

1784
01:11:07,654 --> 01:11:10,048
And I said, "OK, well I
thought I didn'’t break
the law."

1785
01:11:10,048 --> 01:11:13,181
And he said, "They'’re
considering charging you

1786
01:11:13,181 --> 01:11:14,705
with conspiracy to assassinate

1787
01:11:14,705 --> 01:11:16,750
the President of
the United States."

1788
01:11:16,750 --> 01:11:18,186
[audience groans]

1789
01:11:18,186 --> 01:11:19,797
Which holds
a lifetime sentence.

1790
01:11:19,797 --> 01:11:21,581
You didn'’t know
that part did ya?

1791
01:11:21,581 --> 01:11:23,191
All right so, we'’re gonna
go back there in a minute,

1792
01:11:23,191 --> 01:11:24,932
because I can tell
you'’re horrified.

1793
01:11:24,932 --> 01:11:26,847
By the way last week, I
was walking down the street

1794
01:11:26,847 --> 01:11:29,676
in San Francisco and
four middle-aged people

1795
01:11:29,676 --> 01:11:31,548
stopped me and
started screaming,

1796
01:11:31,548 --> 01:11:32,940
"You'’re in ISIS,
you'’re a terrorist,

1797
01:11:32,940 --> 01:11:34,942
you don'’t deserve
to live here."

1798
01:11:34,942 --> 01:11:37,205
I know, and what'’s weird
is they were like my age.

1799
01:11:37,205 --> 01:11:40,165
And the dude was a Parrot
Head, you know what that is?

1800
01:11:40,165 --> 01:11:41,862
It'’s like a Jimmy
Buffet super-fan?

1801
01:11:41,862 --> 01:11:43,516
[audience laughing]

1802
01:11:43,516 --> 01:11:44,778
So, they'’re screaming at
me that I'’m a terrorist,

1803
01:11:44,778 --> 01:11:47,172
and I gotta admit,
I was fascinated

1804
01:11:47,172 --> 01:11:49,392
by his fuckin'’ shirt
with parrots on it,

1805
01:11:49,392 --> 01:11:50,871
[audience laughing]

1806
01:11:50,871 --> 01:11:52,743
and he fuckin'’ loves
Margaritaville, this guy.

1807
01:11:52,743 --> 01:11:54,658
[crowd cheering]

1808
01:11:54,658 --> 01:11:56,790
I know it'’s an odd reaction
when someone'’s screaming

1809
01:11:56,790 --> 01:11:59,271
"Go back to Raqqa, you'’re
in ISIS and a terrorist,"

1810
01:11:59,271 --> 01:12:00,881
but I said,
"Is that a Parrot Head?"

1811
01:12:00,881 --> 01:12:02,405
[audience laughing]

1812
01:12:02,405 --> 01:12:04,102
That'’s my new life,
my new normal!

1813
01:12:04,102 --> 01:12:07,148
All right, so, when I was
able to actually travel

1814
01:12:07,148 --> 01:12:09,455
and leave the country,
I called my then-agent

1815
01:12:09,455 --> 01:12:11,239
and I said,

1816
01:12:11,239 --> 01:12:12,676
"I know this is a very
unique way to route a tour,

1817
01:12:12,676 --> 01:12:14,330
but is there any
way we could actually

1818
01:12:14,330 --> 01:12:16,332
consciously look for countries

1819
01:12:16,332 --> 01:12:18,116
where we know they hate Trump?"

1820
01:12:18,116 --> 01:12:20,336
Two weeks later, I had 15
countries and 23 cities.

1821
01:12:20,336 --> 01:12:23,469
[audience cheering]

1822
01:12:30,215 --> 01:12:31,999
That'’s right, another
part of the story is that,

1823
01:12:31,999 --> 01:12:33,523
once I got off the no fly list,

1824
01:12:33,523 --> 01:12:35,220
I was on what'’s called
the INTERPOL list.

1825
01:12:35,220 --> 01:12:37,353
So I was detained in
every single airport.

1826
01:12:37,353 --> 01:12:40,312
Which sort of sounds
fun, or like no big deal,

1827
01:12:40,312 --> 01:12:41,966
but it'’s fucking scary.

1828
01:12:41,966 --> 01:12:43,576
And what I'’m here to tell you,

1829
01:12:43,576 --> 01:12:45,143
because there actually is
a lot of misinformation

1830
01:12:45,143 --> 01:12:46,797
going out around this.

1831
01:12:46,797 --> 01:12:48,276
They actually can take
your phone and SIM card

1832
01:12:48,276 --> 01:12:50,104
and your passport.

1833
01:12:50,104 --> 01:12:51,192
So don'’t believe like,
that'’s against the law,

1834
01:12:51,192 --> 01:12:53,281
that'’s unethical.
They can.

1835
01:12:53,281 --> 01:12:54,413
So what happened when I
was on the INTERPOL list

1836
01:12:54,413 --> 01:12:56,415
was every single
airport from LAX

1837
01:12:56,415 --> 01:12:59,375
to London Heathrow to,
you know, everywhere.

1838
01:12:59,375 --> 01:13:01,159
You know,
you'’re kind of at the mercy

1839
01:13:01,159 --> 01:13:02,552
of like the three people
working at the airport, right?

1840
01:13:02,552 --> 01:13:04,467
So I was most
scared in Singapore,

1841
01:13:04,467 --> 01:13:07,557
because it'’s illegal there
to chew gum and spit, so...

1842
01:13:07,557 --> 01:13:09,472
You know, me with my
fuckin'’ pussy jokes.

1843
01:13:09,472 --> 01:13:11,256
[audience laughing]

1844
01:13:11,256 --> 01:13:12,779
I'’m already pushing it.

1845
01:13:12,779 --> 01:13:14,520
And, I know a lot of
the audience members

1846
01:13:14,520 --> 01:13:17,262
are gonna be gay, and it'’s
illegal to be gay there.

1847
01:13:17,262 --> 01:13:19,133
So, I don'’t wanna be detained

1848
01:13:19,133 --> 01:13:21,309
while they'’re sweating in
their knockoff Pucci scarves.

1849
01:13:21,309 --> 01:13:24,269
'’Cause that'’s, that'’s not love.

1850
01:13:24,269 --> 01:13:27,054
So every time I would get
detained it would go like this.

1851
01:13:27,054 --> 01:13:28,665
I go, and the first
person scans my passport

1852
01:13:28,665 --> 01:13:31,015
and you see them go like this.

1853
01:13:31,015 --> 01:13:32,016
[audience laughing]

1854
01:13:32,016 --> 01:13:33,583
Oh yeah, yeah.

1855
01:13:33,583 --> 01:13:36,324
So then, I would put on
my I'’m not in ISIS face.

1856
01:13:36,324 --> 01:13:39,458
[audience laughing]

1857
01:13:44,376 --> 01:13:47,118
Never worked once, turns out.

1858
01:13:47,118 --> 01:13:48,989
Then they would call
their supervisor.

1859
01:13:48,989 --> 01:13:51,731
The supervisor would scan
my passport then they'’d go...

1860
01:13:51,731 --> 01:13:54,081
[audience laughing]

1861
01:13:54,081 --> 01:13:55,605
Oh yeah, to this day, I don'’t
know what the fuck is on that
passport.

1862
01:13:55,605 --> 01:13:57,041
And then, they send
me into a room alone,

1863
01:13:57,041 --> 01:13:58,956
and they take my
phone and my passport

1864
01:13:58,956 --> 01:14:01,393
and they just go away for an
indeterminate amount of time.

1865
01:14:01,393 --> 01:14:03,395
So that can happen.
Just want you to know that.

1866
01:14:03,395 --> 01:14:05,310
All right. Now, out of all the
times I was detained,

1867
01:14:05,310 --> 01:14:07,181
only one time was there another
person in there with me.

1868
01:14:07,181 --> 01:14:10,358
Look, once a comedian
always a comedian.

1869
01:14:10,358 --> 01:14:12,186
I couldn'’t resist.

1870
01:14:12,186 --> 01:14:14,014
I just turned and I said,
"What are you in for?"

1871
01:14:14,014 --> 01:14:15,973
[audience laughing]

1872
01:14:15,973 --> 01:14:17,975
And by the way, that guy
is way smarter than I,

1873
01:14:17,975 --> 01:14:19,716
'’cause he didn'’t even
fucking look at me.

1874
01:14:19,716 --> 01:14:21,761
He was like, oh, the crazy
redhead from the picture?

1875
01:14:21,761 --> 01:14:22,980
I don'’t think so.

1876
01:14:22,980 --> 01:14:25,025
No, no, no.

1877
01:14:25,025 --> 01:14:27,114
[audience laughing]

1878
01:14:27,114 --> 01:14:28,899
And then eventually I
would get my stuff back

1879
01:14:28,899 --> 01:14:30,683
and thank god I didn'’t
have to miss any shows.

1880
01:14:30,683 --> 01:14:32,250
[audience laughing]

1881
01:14:32,250 --> 01:14:34,208
Oh, the other thing I
have to tell you is,

1882
01:14:34,208 --> 01:14:35,862
I love Stevie Nicks, and
I'’m here to tell you,

1883
01:14:35,862 --> 01:14:37,734
she is the real deal.

1884
01:14:37,734 --> 01:14:40,258
Like she'’s the most Stevie
Nicks-y person you'’ve ever met.

1885
01:14:40,258 --> 01:14:41,433
[audience laughing]

1886
01:14:41,433 --> 01:14:43,304
Yeah, and she really lives it.

1887
01:14:43,304 --> 01:14:47,178
Like she'’s always in the
multi-layers of paisley layers

1888
01:14:47,178 --> 01:14:49,180
and fuckin'’ witch boots.

1889
01:14:49,180 --> 01:14:51,225
So I know you would
think a friendship

1890
01:14:51,225 --> 01:14:52,879
with me and Stevie
Nicks is unlikely,

1891
01:14:52,879 --> 01:14:55,012
'’cause she'’s, you know,
like Stevie Nicks,

1892
01:14:55,012 --> 01:14:56,883
and I'’m like D-list
and everything,

1893
01:14:56,883 --> 01:14:59,799
but I love a legend who lets
me give them a little shit.

1894
01:14:59,799 --> 01:15:02,106
So one time I was at
her place and I go,

1895
01:15:02,106 --> 01:15:03,499
"Honey just give me a twirl."

1896
01:15:03,499 --> 01:15:05,022
And I swear to god, she goes,

1897
01:15:06,327 --> 01:15:08,547
[audience laughing]

1898
01:15:08,547 --> 01:15:11,507
[slow clapping]

1899
01:15:13,465 --> 01:15:15,380
That'’s my kind of diva.

1900
01:15:15,380 --> 01:15:19,471
All right, so sure enough,
as a very nice surprise,

1901
01:15:19,471 --> 01:15:21,473
when I was doing my
shows in Australia,

1902
01:15:21,473 --> 01:15:23,606
I had a show in Sydney

1903
01:15:23,606 --> 01:15:25,259
at a little venue called the
Sydney Opera House,
I'’ll wait...

1904
01:15:25,259 --> 01:15:28,393
[audience cheering]

1905
01:15:29,829 --> 01:15:31,657
It was really sweet,

1906
01:15:31,657 --> 01:15:33,529
Stevie'’s tour manager secretly
arranged as a surprise

1907
01:15:33,529 --> 01:15:35,400
for the two of us to get
together and spend
a little time

1908
01:15:35,400 --> 01:15:37,707
at her soundcheck,
because she, of course,

1909
01:15:37,707 --> 01:15:39,839
was at the
20,000-person stadium,

1910
01:15:39,839 --> 01:15:41,188
and we had shows the same night

1911
01:15:41,188 --> 01:15:42,842
so we couldn'’t go
see each other.

1912
01:15:42,842 --> 01:15:45,802
So it was just great,
and so I get into her car

1913
01:15:45,802 --> 01:15:47,630
and she was actually
quite emotional

1914
01:15:47,630 --> 01:15:49,545
because her good friend Tom
Petty had just passed away,

1915
01:15:49,545 --> 01:15:51,634
and she was talking
about how the soundcheck

1916
01:15:51,634 --> 01:15:53,505
was gonna be the
first time she sang

1917
01:15:53,505 --> 01:15:55,028
Stop Dragging My Heart Around

1918
01:15:55,028 --> 01:15:56,595
with Chrissie Hynde
from the Pretenders

1919
01:15:56,595 --> 01:15:58,771
since Tom had passed away.

1920
01:15:58,771 --> 01:16:00,686
So, she talked about
that for a while,

1921
01:16:00,686 --> 01:16:02,688
so that'’s what we
were going to watch,

1922
01:16:02,688 --> 01:16:04,603
like pretty much the
soundcheck of that song.

1923
01:16:04,603 --> 01:16:06,997
And then, she totally turns
her focus and she goes,

1924
01:16:06,997 --> 01:16:09,347
"I'’ve been reading about you
and I'’m worried about you."

1925
01:16:09,347 --> 01:16:13,003
And she'’s very matter-of-fact
even though she'’s like,

1926
01:16:13,003 --> 01:16:14,308
at least a Wiccan.

1927
01:16:14,308 --> 01:16:15,788
I can'’t prove it, but,

1928
01:16:15,788 --> 01:16:17,660
[audience laughing]

1929
01:16:17,660 --> 01:16:20,924
I'’m pretty sure there'’s a
cauldron somewhere nearby.

1930
01:16:20,924 --> 01:16:23,709
And there'’s a lot of fuckin'’
sage, there'’s a lot of sage.

1931
01:16:23,709 --> 01:16:26,364
And so, she goes,

1932
01:16:26,364 --> 01:16:27,974
"I hear that you'’re getting
detained at airports,

1933
01:16:27,974 --> 01:16:29,802
and I want you to know,

1934
01:16:29,802 --> 01:16:31,151
if anything happens to you
in any city in this country,

1935
01:16:31,151 --> 01:16:32,849
you call our team,

1936
01:16:32,849 --> 01:16:33,893
and there is nothing we
can'’t get you out of."

1937
01:16:33,893 --> 01:16:35,982
[audience laughing]

1938
01:16:35,982 --> 01:16:39,116
[audience cheering]

1939
01:16:42,293 --> 01:16:44,643
You guys, I think Stevie
Nicks was in Seal Team Six.

1940
01:16:44,643 --> 01:16:47,298
I do, I think she was like
really Seal Team Seven

1941
01:16:47,298 --> 01:16:49,039
but she'’s like,
don'’t say anything.

1942
01:16:49,039 --> 01:16:53,130
All right so, sure enough,
we get to go backstage.

1943
01:16:53,130 --> 01:16:55,959
Now I am incredibly
honored to be here.

1944
01:16:55,959 --> 01:16:57,961
But I'’m not a stadium
artist, I never was.

1945
01:16:57,961 --> 01:17:00,180
So, get this shit,
these stadium artists,

1946
01:17:00,180 --> 01:17:02,313
what they do is they
turn their dressing rooms

1947
01:17:02,313 --> 01:17:04,489
into replicas of
their apartments!

1948
01:17:04,489 --> 01:17:06,143
So get this, so we walk in,

1949
01:17:06,143 --> 01:17:09,015
and Randy was afraid to
even walk in the room,

1950
01:17:09,015 --> 01:17:13,933
because the wave of
estrogen coming out,

1951
01:17:13,933 --> 01:17:16,501
he thought his dick
might fall off.

1952
01:17:16,501 --> 01:17:17,937
And the other thing I
like about these legends

1953
01:17:17,937 --> 01:17:19,547
is they get to an age

1954
01:17:19,547 --> 01:17:20,505
where they really don'’t
give a fuck anymore,

1955
01:17:20,505 --> 01:17:22,159
and it'’s heaven.

1956
01:17:22,159 --> 01:17:24,117
Like Chrissie Hynde,
we went to the soundcheck,

1957
01:17:24,117 --> 01:17:27,381
and Chrissie Hynde'’s hair is
like Tina Turner from Mad Max.

1958
01:17:27,381 --> 01:17:28,339
[audience laughing]

1959
01:17:28,339 --> 01:17:30,036
Yes!

1960
01:17:30,036 --> 01:17:31,734
And the older legends
are angry all the time.

1961
01:17:31,734 --> 01:17:33,083
It'’s heaven.

1962
01:17:33,083 --> 01:17:35,651
Now, I am a complete
star fucker,

1963
01:17:35,651 --> 01:17:37,914
I love celebrities, I'’m
obsessed with celebrities.

1964
01:17:37,914 --> 01:17:39,829
So if I know I'’m gonna meet
a celebrity I haven'’t met,

1965
01:17:39,829 --> 01:17:41,482
I'’ll do like some
homework, right?

1966
01:17:41,482 --> 01:17:43,136
So I had read that
day, I thought,

1967
01:17:43,136 --> 01:17:45,138
well if I get a chance to
talk to Chrissie Hynde,

1968
01:17:45,138 --> 01:17:46,792
I knew she was
from Akron, Ohio,

1969
01:17:46,792 --> 01:17:49,621
and I read that she
opened a vegan restaurant.

1970
01:17:49,621 --> 01:17:51,754
So I thought all right, I'’ll
have like shit to talk about.

1971
01:17:51,754 --> 01:17:53,930
So I'’m watching the
two of them talk shop,

1972
01:17:53,930 --> 01:17:55,758
and once again I'’m
just a little gay boy

1973
01:17:55,758 --> 01:17:58,586
and I'’m in heaven watching
them like, "Oh, this is great!"

1974
01:17:58,586 --> 01:18:00,937
And just to set the stage,

1975
01:18:00,937 --> 01:18:03,591
Stevie'’s dressing room
is so Stevie Nicks-y.

1976
01:18:03,591 --> 01:18:09,075
The scented candles were almost
battling with one another.

1977
01:18:09,075 --> 01:18:12,600
You walk in and there'’s
vanilla bean over here,

1978
01:18:12,600 --> 01:18:13,689
lavender,

1979
01:18:14,385 --> 01:18:15,778
musk,

1980
01:18:15,778 --> 01:18:17,388
there'’s one that'’s just pussy.

1981
01:18:17,388 --> 01:18:18,998
[audience laughing]

1982
01:18:18,998 --> 01:18:21,000
And then there'’s a little
lull in the conversation.

1983
01:18:21,000 --> 01:18:23,524
And I then say to Chrissie
Hynde, who I'’ve never met,

1984
01:18:23,524 --> 01:18:25,526
I said, "Chrissie,
I'’m a comedian,

1985
01:18:25,526 --> 01:18:26,963
I'’ve played Ohio many times

1986
01:18:26,963 --> 01:18:28,268
and I understand
you'’re from Akron.

1987
01:18:28,268 --> 01:18:30,270
Do you ever go back to Ohio?"

1988
01:18:30,270 --> 01:18:31,619
And Chrissie goes, "Fuck Ohio!"

1989
01:18:31,619 --> 01:18:33,447
[audience laughing]

1990
01:18:33,447 --> 01:18:36,581
[audience cheering]

1991
01:18:42,369 --> 01:18:46,243
You guys, I peed a
little, like a little.

1992
01:18:46,243 --> 01:18:48,201
Not even...

1993
01:18:48,201 --> 01:18:49,812
[audience laughing]

1994
01:18:49,812 --> 01:18:51,770
OK, "I read that you'’ve
opened a vegan restaurant

1995
01:18:51,770 --> 01:18:54,251
which I think is very healthy
and progressive of you."

1996
01:18:54,251 --> 01:18:55,600
[audience laughing]

1997
01:18:55,600 --> 01:18:57,036
She goes, "It closed!"

1998
01:18:57,036 --> 01:18:59,343
[audience laughing]

1999
01:18:59,343 --> 01:19:03,260
[audience applauding]

2000
01:19:03,260 --> 01:19:05,741
You guys, the slightest
amount of diarrhea.

2001
01:19:05,741 --> 01:19:09,266
[audience laughing]

2002
01:19:09,266 --> 01:19:10,441
Not even that much.

2003
01:19:12,443 --> 01:19:15,315
So then, Stevie Nicks has
to come in and mediate!

2004
01:19:15,315 --> 01:19:17,709
And she goes, "Chrissie, this
is a friend, Kathy Griffin,

2005
01:19:17,709 --> 01:19:19,232
she is an outrageous comedian.

2006
01:19:19,232 --> 01:19:20,712
She says whatever
goes into her head

2007
01:19:20,712 --> 01:19:22,322
and it comes out of her mouth

2008
01:19:22,322 --> 01:19:25,064
and she seems to not be
able to stop herself."

2009
01:19:25,064 --> 01:19:27,414
She goes, "In fact,
this very story

2010
01:19:27,414 --> 01:19:28,764
will probably be in her act."

2011
01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:31,505
[audience laughing]

2012
01:19:31,505 --> 01:19:34,770
[audience applauding]

2013
01:19:38,817 --> 01:19:40,297
And then Stevie
continued and she goes,

2014
01:19:40,297 --> 01:19:41,733
"But we have to support her.

2015
01:19:41,733 --> 01:19:43,430
Because she'’s in trouble
with the government

2016
01:19:43,430 --> 01:19:45,302
because she took a picture
of Donald Trump'’s head

2017
01:19:45,302 --> 01:19:47,608
that we all wanted to take
except she really took it."

2018
01:19:47,608 --> 01:19:50,916
[audience laughing]

2019
01:19:50,916 --> 01:19:55,007
All right, so then, Chrissie
Hynde goes like this,

2020
01:19:55,007 --> 01:19:56,487
"That was you?

2021
01:19:58,402 --> 01:20:00,186
That'’s punk rock!"

2022
01:20:00,186 --> 01:20:02,014
High five, high
five, best friends.

2023
01:20:02,014 --> 01:20:04,147
Best friends for life,
high five, best friends.

2024
01:20:04,147 --> 01:20:05,975
[audience applauding]

2025
01:20:05,975 --> 01:20:08,978
OK this is, just, I know
half the people in the room

2026
01:20:08,978 --> 01:20:11,241
like know him and like
him, but I can'’t resist.

2027
01:20:11,241 --> 01:20:13,112
You guys, I got a
consolation note

2028
01:20:13,112 --> 01:20:16,420
on really beautiful embossed
stationary from Billy Bush!

2029
01:20:16,420 --> 01:20:17,900
[audience laughing]

2030
01:20:17,900 --> 01:20:19,640
By the way, I hope
you guys know this.

2031
01:20:19,640 --> 01:20:21,468
You know when he got
canned from The Today Show,

2032
01:20:21,468 --> 01:20:25,211
they gave him a nine million
dollar severance package!

2033
01:20:25,211 --> 01:20:26,386
Nine million dollars!

2034
01:20:26,386 --> 01:20:28,040
Now, I like to brag,

2035
01:20:28,040 --> 01:20:30,390
I'’ve been fired more
than I'’ve been hired.

2036
01:20:30,390 --> 01:20:33,437
I'’ve never gotten a $9
severance package, Jesus!

2037
01:20:33,437 --> 01:20:34,481
Where do I sign?

2038
01:20:34,481 --> 01:20:36,092
[audience laughing]

2039
01:20:36,092 --> 01:20:39,138
All right, so anyway,
he sends me this note.

2040
01:20:39,138 --> 01:20:41,358
"Dear Kathy, I have real
solid counsel for you

2041
01:20:41,358 --> 01:20:42,359
if you want it.

2042
01:20:42,359 --> 01:20:43,621
Call me any time."

2043
01:20:43,621 --> 01:20:45,318
Doesn'’t leave a phone number.

2044
01:20:45,318 --> 01:20:46,406
[audience laughing]

2045
01:20:46,406 --> 01:20:49,932
On brand, on brand.

2046
01:20:49,932 --> 01:20:53,022
Then he writes, "Don'’t
speak for a while."

2047
01:20:53,022 --> 01:20:54,937
OK, the last thing I
need is another rich,

2048
01:20:54,937 --> 01:20:57,591
middle-aged white guy telling
me don'’t speak for a while.

2049
01:20:57,591 --> 01:20:59,289
Unless your name
is Gwen Stefani

2050
01:20:59,289 --> 01:21:01,117
and you have the
original No Doubt,

2051
01:21:01,117 --> 01:21:03,380
do not be saying
"Don'’t speak" to me.

2052
01:21:03,380 --> 01:21:05,948
Only Gwen Stefani can
say "Don'’t speak."

2053
01:21:05,948 --> 01:21:09,299
[audience applauding]

2054
01:21:10,604 --> 01:21:12,693
And then he goes,
"Do you meditate?

2055
01:21:12,693 --> 01:21:14,304
Start."

2056
01:21:14,304 --> 01:21:16,045
And I swear to god I
wanted to write back,

2057
01:21:16,045 --> 01:21:18,308
"No, maybe if I had a nine
million dollar yoga mat,

2058
01:21:18,308 --> 01:21:19,613
I would, Billy!"

2059
01:21:19,613 --> 01:21:22,181
[audience laughing]

2060
01:21:22,181 --> 01:21:24,749
And then he signs it, I swear
to god he signs it with,

2061
01:21:24,749 --> 01:21:27,186
"You are human,"

2062
01:21:27,186 --> 01:21:29,841
You guys what the
fuck is goin'’ on?

2063
01:21:29,841 --> 01:21:31,930
[audience laughing]

2064
01:21:31,930 --> 01:21:33,584
Is Billy Bush gonna run
out here and stitch my eye

2065
01:21:33,584 --> 01:21:34,759
like the Handmaids Tale?

2066
01:21:34,759 --> 01:21:36,543
What the fuck is going on?

2067
01:21:36,543 --> 01:21:38,241
All right, I'’ve got you
a little loosened up.

2068
01:21:38,241 --> 01:21:40,199
I brought a death
threat for you.

2069
01:21:40,199 --> 01:21:43,637
It said, "From an admirer you
may know, for your eyes only."

2070
01:21:43,637 --> 01:21:45,422
[audience laughing]

2071
01:21:45,422 --> 01:21:47,032
I know, I like Sheena Easton
as much as the next guy.

2072
01:21:47,032 --> 01:21:48,164
[audience laughing]

2073
01:21:48,164 --> 01:21:49,643
For your eyes only?

2074
01:21:49,643 --> 01:21:51,471
I hope her sugar walls
catch the morning train.

2075
01:21:51,471 --> 01:21:53,299
[audience laughing]

2076
01:21:53,299 --> 01:21:57,086
And I open it and it says
"From an older white male."

2077
01:21:57,086 --> 01:22:00,916
What a shock, that is, really?

2078
01:22:00,916 --> 01:22:02,482
"Go to hell Kathy!"

2079
01:22:02,482 --> 01:22:03,919
And then, this is what
I want you to know

2080
01:22:03,919 --> 01:22:05,398
about the Trumpers, like
how random they are,

2081
01:22:05,398 --> 01:22:07,966
"You are no different
than Bill Cosby!"

2082
01:22:07,966 --> 01:22:11,100
[audience laughing]

2083
01:22:18,629 --> 01:22:22,546
I can think of one way, but.

2084
01:22:22,546 --> 01:22:24,678
"You were my favorite
female comedian.

2085
01:22:24,678 --> 01:22:27,943
I was there at your show
last January in San Diego."

2086
01:22:27,943 --> 01:22:30,597
All right, I'’m such an
asshole that I'’m like,

2087
01:22:30,597 --> 01:22:34,253
oh, you know what, this a
fan just having a moment.

2088
01:22:34,253 --> 01:22:35,733
[audience laughing]

2089
01:22:35,733 --> 01:22:37,430
You know, he'’s a
ticket-buying fan,

2090
01:22:37,430 --> 01:22:39,302
if he came to see
me in San Diego!

2091
01:22:39,302 --> 01:22:42,044
He'’s just venting a little.

2092
01:22:42,044 --> 01:22:44,611
"I died laughing, now I
hope you die, you cunt."

2093
01:22:44,611 --> 01:22:45,786
[audience laughing]

2094
01:22:45,786 --> 01:22:47,527
Shit, it'’s close.

2095
01:22:47,527 --> 01:22:49,094
And then, like I said,

2096
01:22:49,094 --> 01:22:50,139
because you'’ve gotta
laugh at everything,

2097
01:22:50,139 --> 01:22:51,488
this one gets me every time.

2098
01:22:51,488 --> 01:22:54,795
"You'’re a piece of shite!"

2099
01:22:54,795 --> 01:22:59,365
Is anyone here even slightly
Irish or Scottish or anything?

2100
01:22:59,365 --> 01:23:02,151
I'’m quite sure that this is
from one of my aunts
in Chicago.

2101
01:23:02,151 --> 01:23:03,456
I'’m not sure.

2102
01:23:03,456 --> 01:23:04,892
[audience laughing]

2103
01:23:04,892 --> 01:23:06,416
Kathleen you'’re full of shite.

2104
01:23:06,416 --> 01:23:07,983
You dunno shite from Shinola.

2105
01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:09,810
Typical ta let shite
come out of yer mouth.

2106
01:23:09,810 --> 01:23:12,335
Why dontcha collect stamps
instead of talkin'’ that shite.

2107
01:23:12,335 --> 01:23:15,381
Um, and then he says,
because it makes sense,

2108
01:23:15,381 --> 01:23:19,037
"You can forward this to
your lover Snoop Dogg."

2109
01:23:19,037 --> 01:23:20,952
[audience laughing]

2110
01:23:20,952 --> 01:23:22,345
That'’s right, I wanted
to write him back and go,

2111
01:23:22,345 --> 01:23:23,389
you know what, sir?

2112
01:23:23,389 --> 01:23:24,477
You got me.

2113
01:23:24,477 --> 01:23:25,826
Snoop Dogg and I are lovers

2114
01:23:25,826 --> 01:23:27,480
and if I have
even one egg left,

2115
01:23:27,480 --> 01:23:29,700
we'’re gonna make a
fuckin'’ Snoop Omelet.

2116
01:23:29,700 --> 01:23:32,790
You got me sir, and then he
says, I got a lot of this,

2117
01:23:32,790 --> 01:23:34,531
"I'’m glad your sister
just died of cancer,

2118
01:23:34,531 --> 01:23:35,836
I wish it was you."

2119
01:23:35,836 --> 01:23:37,621
[audience gasps]

2120
01:23:37,621 --> 01:23:39,492
Yeah, all right, then he
says, "Fuck you up the ass

2121
01:23:39,492 --> 01:23:41,364
with a red hot poker."

2122
01:23:41,364 --> 01:23:46,369
Now, I'’ve been very clear
my whole career about this.

2123
01:23:46,369 --> 01:23:48,371
I prefer a chilled poker.

2124
01:23:48,371 --> 01:23:51,417
[audience laughing]

2125
01:23:51,417 --> 01:23:55,291
I find a red hot poker
is a little shocking

2126
01:23:55,291 --> 01:23:57,684
to my anus and
also chilled poker

2127
01:23:57,684 --> 01:24:00,165
and a lot of Astro Glide
but that'’s me, that'’s me.

2128
01:24:00,165 --> 01:24:01,297
[audience laughing]

2129
01:24:01,297 --> 01:24:02,428
It'’s a free country for now.

2130
01:24:02,428 --> 01:24:03,951
Then he says, "Red hot poker

2131
01:24:03,951 --> 01:24:05,344
just like your precious friends

2132
01:24:05,344 --> 01:24:07,172
on that filthy
show Will and Grace

2133
01:24:07,172 --> 01:24:09,783
who all fuck each other
up the ass all day."

2134
01:24:09,783 --> 01:24:12,264
And all I took away from
this whole death threat was,

2135
01:24:12,264 --> 01:24:13,439
Will and Graceis back!

2136
01:24:13,439 --> 01:24:16,921
[audience applauding]

2137
01:24:18,836 --> 01:24:21,969
All right, so OK, I have
to tell you about something.

2138
01:24:21,969 --> 01:24:23,536
I hope you get
this and like this.

2139
01:24:23,536 --> 01:24:27,192
I attended the White
House Correspondents'’

2140
01:24:27,192 --> 01:24:28,715
Yes, what a difference
a year makes!

2141
01:24:28,715 --> 01:24:30,804
[audience applauding]

2142
01:24:30,804 --> 01:24:31,849
OK, so get this shit.

2143
01:24:31,849 --> 01:24:32,980
I got into so many fights.

2144
01:24:32,980 --> 01:24:35,983
Yes, can you believe it?

2145
01:24:35,983 --> 01:24:38,073
I got a call the day before,

2146
01:24:38,073 --> 01:24:39,726
'’cause I still didn'’t
have a publicist,

2147
01:24:39,726 --> 01:24:41,511
from The Washington Post,
and they wanted to know

2148
01:24:41,511 --> 01:24:42,947
if they could shadow me

2149
01:24:42,947 --> 01:24:44,905
'’cause they thought
it was so crazy

2150
01:24:44,905 --> 01:24:46,777
that I was going to the White
House Correspondents'’ Dinner.

2151
01:24:46,777 --> 01:24:48,257
Now typically, as you can tell,

2152
01:24:48,257 --> 01:24:50,433
that is not a good idea at all.

2153
01:24:50,433 --> 01:24:52,261
I went in with what'’s
called an agenda.

2154
01:24:52,261 --> 01:24:54,089
So I'’m sitting there,
and I'’m looking around

2155
01:24:54,089 --> 01:24:56,091
and there'’s a lot of
cabinet members and stuff,

2156
01:24:56,091 --> 01:24:57,179
and of course Trump didn'’t go,

2157
01:24:57,179 --> 01:24:58,571
because he'’s too much of a puss

2158
01:24:58,571 --> 01:25:00,399
and he could never take a joke.

2159
01:25:00,399 --> 01:25:02,488
But one thing I wanna tell
you, want you to take away,

2160
01:25:02,488 --> 01:25:04,229
is I absolutely
with my own eyes,

2161
01:25:04,229 --> 01:25:06,362
and I was the only other
standup comic in the room,

2162
01:25:06,362 --> 01:25:08,625
saw Michelle Wolf
do a great job

2163
01:25:08,625 --> 01:25:11,367
with her monologue at the White
House Correspondents'’ Dinner.

2164
01:25:11,367 --> 01:25:12,759
[audience cheering]

2165
01:25:12,759 --> 01:25:13,891
I watched it!

2166
01:25:13,891 --> 01:25:16,633
I was there in the audience!

2167
01:25:16,633 --> 01:25:19,244
So they are not gonna
take her down on my watch.

2168
01:25:19,244 --> 01:25:21,855
And they tried, I watched them
even start tweeting about it

2169
01:25:21,855 --> 01:25:24,554
in real time, saying the
whole room was leaving.

2170
01:25:24,554 --> 01:25:25,642
Nobody was leaving.

2171
01:25:25,642 --> 01:25:27,209
All right, we'’ll get there.

2172
01:25:27,209 --> 01:25:29,602
So I go and sit down, and
this guy comes up to me,

2173
01:25:29,602 --> 01:25:31,735
his name is Hogan Gidley,
and he'’s this piece of shit

2174
01:25:31,735 --> 01:25:33,693
that'’s Sarah Fuckabee'’s
right hand man,

2175
01:25:33,693 --> 01:25:35,391
and I recognize him '’cause
he kind of looks like

2176
01:25:35,391 --> 01:25:37,436
that asshole Ralph Reed
from Focus on the Family,

2177
01:25:37,436 --> 01:25:39,743
So, you know, these guys always
wanna start shit with me.

2178
01:25:39,743 --> 01:25:42,441
I'’m just sittin'’ there, so
he comes up and he goes,

2179
01:25:42,441 --> 01:25:46,141
"Uh, I just wanna let you know
we are gonna build the wall,

2180
01:25:46,141 --> 01:25:50,232
and I'’m drinking
a Mexican beer."

2181
01:25:50,232 --> 01:25:51,755
I know, and I go,

2182
01:25:51,755 --> 01:25:54,497
[blows]
"Bye Nazi." [blows]

2183
01:25:54,497 --> 01:25:56,107
[audience laughing]

2184
01:25:56,107 --> 01:25:58,240
I don'’t know what it
is about straight guys,

2185
01:25:58,240 --> 01:26:00,807
but if you blow on them,
they fuckin'’ freak out.

2186
01:26:00,807 --> 01:26:02,026
[audience laughing]

2187
01:26:02,026 --> 01:26:04,420
Like, it was,
it'’s my new thing!

2188
01:26:04,420 --> 01:26:05,899
'’Cause they'’re like,
he was like a cat,

2189
01:26:05,899 --> 01:26:06,900
like he thought he
was gonna really have,

2190
01:26:06,900 --> 01:26:08,337
and then he was like,

2191
01:26:08,337 --> 01:26:10,904
[audience laughing]

2192
01:26:10,904 --> 01:26:14,169
[audience applauding]

2193
01:26:17,041 --> 01:26:19,913
OK, so then, I stood
right outside the men'’s room

2194
01:26:19,913 --> 01:26:21,306
and then none of them
could get away from me.

2195
01:26:21,306 --> 01:26:22,394
It was heaven!

2196
01:26:22,394 --> 01:26:24,135
And had a fuckin'’ train

2197
01:26:24,135 --> 01:26:25,789
longer than Stormy pullin'’
a double in Tuscaloosa.

2198
01:26:25,789 --> 01:26:27,269
[audience laughing]

2199
01:26:27,269 --> 01:26:28,922
Yes, yes.

2200
01:26:28,922 --> 01:26:30,489
So, I realize that'’s
where they couldn'’t

2201
01:26:30,489 --> 01:26:32,361
get away from me, right?

2202
01:26:32,361 --> 01:26:34,145
So I would wait for them to
come out of the bathroom.

2203
01:26:34,145 --> 01:26:36,321
So the first one was that
piece of shit Wilbur Ross,

2204
01:26:36,321 --> 01:26:37,888
who'’s like a hundred and fifty,

2205
01:26:37,888 --> 01:26:39,498
so he comes down and
he'’s like [mumbles].

2206
01:26:39,498 --> 01:26:41,152
You know, he was like
a Simpson'’s character.

2207
01:26:41,152 --> 01:26:42,936
And so he doesn'’t recognize
me or know who I am.

2208
01:26:42,936 --> 01:26:44,590
And I go, "Time to retire!"

2209
01:26:44,590 --> 01:26:46,505
[blows]
Like that.

2210
01:26:46,505 --> 01:26:49,639
[audience laughing]

2211
01:26:52,772 --> 01:26:55,035
I know, it'’s weird but
it was so much fun.

2212
01:26:55,035 --> 01:26:57,734
Then Gary Cohen comes down,
one of the economic advisors,

2213
01:26:57,734 --> 01:26:59,475
and I go, "Gary Cohen,
what do you know!

2214
01:26:59,475 --> 01:27:00,737
You got canned two weeks ago,

2215
01:27:00,737 --> 01:27:02,129
so desperate for a free meal?"

2216
01:27:02,129 --> 01:27:03,130
[blows]

2217
01:27:03,130 --> 01:27:05,524
[audience laughing]

2218
01:27:05,524 --> 01:27:08,048
I fuckin'’ picked '’em off one
after one with a simple [blows]

2219
01:27:08,048 --> 01:27:12,183
And, oh yeah, Tom Bossert,
just one after another.

2220
01:27:12,183 --> 01:27:13,924
And then I would accuse them
specifically of the crimes

2221
01:27:13,924 --> 01:27:15,665
that I'’m quite sure
they'’re guilty of.

2222
01:27:15,665 --> 01:27:17,797
All right, so then the
piece of shit Brian Kilmeade

2223
01:27:17,797 --> 01:27:20,626
comes out from FOX
and Friends, right?

2224
01:27:20,626 --> 01:27:21,888
Now here'’s the thing, I admit,

2225
01:27:21,888 --> 01:27:23,629
a lot of people
don'’t know this.

2226
01:27:23,629 --> 01:27:25,979
FOX and Friendswasn'’t
always a propaganda show,

2227
01:27:25,979 --> 01:27:27,372
much less even
a political show.

2228
01:27:27,372 --> 01:27:29,548
I used to go on FOX and Friends

2229
01:27:29,548 --> 01:27:31,202
when they very first started,

2230
01:27:31,202 --> 01:27:32,508
and they were sort of
trying to be a knockoff

2231
01:27:32,508 --> 01:27:34,423
of the Today Showor GMA.

2232
01:27:34,423 --> 01:27:36,729
So I actually used to
go on FOX and Friends

2233
01:27:36,729 --> 01:27:39,428
and do cooking segments
with Richard Simmons!

2234
01:27:39,428 --> 01:27:40,690
[audience laughing]

2235
01:27:40,690 --> 01:27:44,041
Yes, who'’s missing!

2236
01:27:44,041 --> 01:27:45,695
[audience laughing]

2237
01:27:45,695 --> 01:27:46,739
He'’s missing!

2238
01:27:48,132 --> 01:27:49,351
Where is he over there?

2239
01:27:49,351 --> 01:27:50,439
Why won'’t they?

2240
01:27:50,439 --> 01:27:53,180
[audience laughing]

2241
01:27:53,180 --> 01:27:55,792
So, anyway, Brian
Kilmeade comes down

2242
01:27:55,792 --> 01:27:57,446
and all these other
pieces of shit guys,

2243
01:27:57,446 --> 01:28:00,405
Trumpers that have
dogpiled on me.

2244
01:28:00,405 --> 01:28:02,625
The first thing he says
is, "Can I get a selfie?"

2245
01:28:02,625 --> 01:28:04,061
I go, "No Nazi, you
can'’t get a selfie.

2246
01:28:04,061 --> 01:28:05,541
What the fuck is
the matter with you?

2247
01:28:05,541 --> 01:28:06,629
Propagating this
bullshit to the President

2248
01:28:06,629 --> 01:28:08,370
that you know he believes.

2249
01:28:08,370 --> 01:28:09,458
When I used to do your
piece of shit show,

2250
01:28:09,458 --> 01:28:11,242
you were the sports girl

2251
01:28:11,242 --> 01:28:12,896
and Steve Doocy was the
weather girl, do your job!"

2252
01:28:12,896 --> 01:28:14,114
[blows]

2253
01:28:14,114 --> 01:28:17,292
[audience laughing]

2254
01:28:21,818 --> 01:28:25,125
And, you should know that
of course I had a fantasy

2255
01:28:25,125 --> 01:28:27,824
that Trump didn'’t go only
because he was afraid of me.

2256
01:28:27,824 --> 01:28:30,783
Like, that of course was
an insane fantasy I had,

2257
01:28:30,783 --> 01:28:32,437
but I have one that'’s
even more insane.

2258
01:28:32,437 --> 01:28:34,352
You ready?

2259
01:28:34,352 --> 01:28:36,441
This guy gets up and leaves,
and his name is Matt Schlapp

2260
01:28:36,441 --> 01:28:38,400
and he runs that thing CPAC,

2261
01:28:38,400 --> 01:28:41,011
which used to be just a sort
of conservative convention,

2262
01:28:41,011 --> 01:28:42,752
and now they have like Nazis

2263
01:28:42,752 --> 01:28:45,407
and Steve Bannon was their
big get and everything.

2264
01:28:45,407 --> 01:28:46,973
So, he'’s a fuckin'’ psycho.

2265
01:28:46,973 --> 01:28:51,238
I will also say she
is a lady, oh my God.

2266
01:28:51,238 --> 01:28:54,503
OK, let me just say,
yeah, get nervous,

2267
01:28:54,503 --> 01:28:55,460
'’cause I'’m fuckin'’ goin there.

2268
01:28:55,460 --> 01:28:57,419
[audience laughing]

2269
01:28:57,419 --> 01:29:00,291
And here'’s why, like I said,
I have traveled this country,

2270
01:29:00,291 --> 01:29:02,380
well I could be a pilot
practically at this point.

2271
01:29:02,380 --> 01:29:04,382
I'’ve traveled and traveled,

2272
01:29:04,382 --> 01:29:05,731
I'’ve gone to every city large
and small, and let'’s face it,

2273
01:29:05,731 --> 01:29:07,472
not every place is
New York and LA,

2274
01:29:07,472 --> 01:29:08,604
there'’s many places in America

2275
01:29:08,604 --> 01:29:10,519
where you can'’t just come out.

2276
01:29:10,519 --> 01:29:12,434
There'’s many places where
frankly it'’s just not safe

2277
01:29:12,434 --> 01:29:14,131
to be gay.

2278
01:29:14,131 --> 01:29:16,394
So, over the decades, I'’ve
done many, many events

2279
01:29:16,394 --> 01:29:19,745
where I'’m in, you know the
South, or typically, the South.

2280
01:29:19,745 --> 01:29:21,486
And let'’s say I'’m
doing a book signing,

2281
01:29:21,486 --> 01:29:23,923
and then a guy like Matt
Schlapp comes up to me,

2282
01:29:23,923 --> 01:29:25,708
Hey, girl!

2283
01:29:25,708 --> 01:29:29,059
Oh my god fierce
diva, love your book!

2284
01:29:29,059 --> 01:29:31,278
So does my wife Edna!

2285
01:29:31,278 --> 01:29:34,412
[audience laughing]

2286
01:29:40,679 --> 01:29:42,072
And then, right?

2287
01:29:42,072 --> 01:29:43,595
We all have that
person in our life,

2288
01:29:43,595 --> 01:29:45,423
whether it'’s a
relative or a coworker,

2289
01:29:45,423 --> 01:29:47,817
and you kind of have that
moment of like, OK I'’ll play.

2290
01:29:47,817 --> 01:29:49,688
[audience laughing]

2291
01:29:49,688 --> 01:29:52,038
And you look at Edna, god
love her, she'’s 600 pounds,

2292
01:29:52,038 --> 01:29:53,518
he hasn'’t touched her
since the wedding night

2293
01:29:53,518 --> 01:29:55,215
when he took Viagra

2294
01:29:55,215 --> 01:29:56,478
and was watching Channing
Tatum videos on his iPad.

2295
01:29:56,478 --> 01:29:58,001
[audience laughing]

2296
01:29:58,001 --> 01:30:00,395
But you know, that'’s the
quilt that is America.

2297
01:30:00,395 --> 01:30:03,180
So anyway, this guy'’s
a piece of shit.

2298
01:30:03,180 --> 01:30:05,008
Now get this shit,

2299
01:30:05,008 --> 01:30:07,227
his wife is named Mercedes,
and she'’s in the Administration

2300
01:30:07,227 --> 01:30:09,186
as like one of those accidents.

2301
01:30:09,186 --> 01:30:11,188
Like when Scott Pruitt tried
to get his wife a Chick-Fil-A,

2302
01:30:11,188 --> 01:30:12,972
remember that shit?

2303
01:30:12,972 --> 01:30:14,234
So they will just take
fuckin'’ anybody apparently.

2304
01:30:14,234 --> 01:30:15,975
She has no qualifications
or anything.

2305
01:30:15,975 --> 01:30:18,804
She'’s also the woman that
stood up for the girl who said,

2306
01:30:18,804 --> 01:30:20,458
"It doesn'’t matter about
John McCain'’s vote,

2307
01:30:20,458 --> 01:30:22,068
he'’s gonna die soon anyway."

2308
01:30:22,068 --> 01:30:26,072
So this bitch Mercedes
Schlapp, S-C-H-L-A-P-P,

2309
01:30:26,072 --> 01:30:28,379
she stood up for
that girl, right?

2310
01:30:28,379 --> 01:30:30,686
So anyway,
they leave the event,

2311
01:30:30,686 --> 01:30:32,949
and I see Matt
Schlapp is tweeting

2312
01:30:32,949 --> 01:30:34,951
that Michelle Wolf
is a disaster

2313
01:30:34,951 --> 01:30:37,301
and the room is getting emptied

2314
01:30:37,301 --> 01:30:39,434
and everyone'’s booing and
the event'’s been ruined.

2315
01:30:39,434 --> 01:30:42,088
And it was those
two leaving, right?

2316
01:30:42,088 --> 01:30:46,049
So sure enough, I left the
event, go to the MSNBC party,

2317
01:30:46,049 --> 01:30:47,746
'’cause I thought there would
be like some friendlies,

2318
01:30:47,746 --> 01:30:49,531
and I'’m there talking
to a couple friends

2319
01:30:49,531 --> 01:30:51,881
and who walks in but fuckin'’
Matt Schlapp and his wife?

2320
01:30:51,881 --> 01:30:55,188
So they left early to get free
drinks at the MSNBC party,

2321
01:30:55,188 --> 01:30:57,408
and yet going
online once again,

2322
01:30:57,408 --> 01:30:59,062
trying to take
down Michelle Wolf

2323
01:30:59,062 --> 01:31:00,542
and say that everyone left.

2324
01:31:00,542 --> 01:31:02,108
She did very, very well.

2325
01:31:02,108 --> 01:31:04,415
So anyway, I didn'’t
really have it in mind

2326
01:31:04,415 --> 01:31:06,199
to start with him,

2327
01:31:06,199 --> 01:31:08,071
I had already been in like
four fights by that point.

2328
01:31:08,071 --> 01:31:10,552
So I'’m talking to a couple
pals, and then he comes up,

2329
01:31:10,552 --> 01:31:12,162
and the wife comes up to me.

2330
01:31:12,162 --> 01:31:14,251
And I'’ve never
said a word to her.

2331
01:31:14,251 --> 01:31:16,688
She wasn'’t really on my
radar, and she comes up to me

2332
01:31:16,688 --> 01:31:18,995
like people are wont
to do a lot these days,

2333
01:31:18,995 --> 01:31:20,649
"Well you'’re a female comedian.

2334
01:31:20,649 --> 01:31:23,086
I suppose you think
what she did was funny.

2335
01:31:23,086 --> 01:31:24,609
Well, it was crass and vulgar

2336
01:31:24,609 --> 01:31:26,698
and may have ruined
the event forever."

2337
01:31:26,698 --> 01:31:29,788
[audience laughing]

2338
01:31:32,443 --> 01:31:34,184
I didn'’t call for you.

2339
01:31:34,184 --> 01:31:35,228
[audience laughing]

2340
01:31:35,228 --> 01:31:36,621
When I do you'’ll know.

2341
01:31:36,621 --> 01:31:38,057
'’Cause I'’m gonna spot you

2342
01:31:38,057 --> 01:31:39,755
in that knockoff Jessica
McClintock half-off

2343
01:31:39,755 --> 01:31:41,800
Macy'’s basement dress
a mile fuckin'’ away.

2344
01:31:41,800 --> 01:31:42,888
[audience laughing]

2345
01:31:42,888 --> 01:31:47,110
[audience applauding]

2346
01:31:47,110 --> 01:31:49,416
So if you'’re gonna step
up to me, Scarlett O'’Hara,

2347
01:31:49,416 --> 01:31:51,288
move your fuckin'’ hoop
before I move it for you,

2348
01:31:51,288 --> 01:31:53,029
or whatever it was.

2349
01:31:53,029 --> 01:31:54,073
And it was so great
'’cause she didn'’t know

2350
01:31:54,073 --> 01:31:55,292
that Washington Post was there,

2351
01:31:55,292 --> 01:31:57,076
and the guys were
like holy shit.

2352
01:31:57,076 --> 01:32:00,384
It was really funny because
Dana Bash and Don Lemon

2353
01:32:00,384 --> 01:32:04,997
were just like, OK, let'’s
just let this air itself out.

2354
01:32:04,997 --> 01:32:07,565
And then, this bitch does
not know when to stop.

2355
01:32:07,565 --> 01:32:09,306
So she'’s coming at me,
and I'’m like honey,

2356
01:32:09,306 --> 01:32:10,829
you'’re like the 18th person.

2357
01:32:10,829 --> 01:32:12,701
I'’m happy to go to
battle at this point.

2358
01:32:12,701 --> 01:32:14,920
So I'’m a grown middle-aged
woman screaming at this bitch,

2359
01:32:14,920 --> 01:32:18,445
and then the husband does,
what I'’ve seen many times,

2360
01:32:18,445 --> 01:32:22,188
the gay pivot, he'’s got like
a highball or something,

2361
01:32:22,188 --> 01:32:24,190
and he'’s watching
two bitches fight,

2362
01:32:24,190 --> 01:32:25,540
and he just goes like,

2363
01:32:26,715 --> 01:32:29,326
[audience laughing]

2364
01:32:29,326 --> 01:32:30,893
[audience applauding]

2365
01:32:30,893 --> 01:32:32,721
Oh yeah, he didn'’t
have her back at all.

2366
01:32:32,721 --> 01:32:34,287
He was like happy to watch
the whole fuckin'’ shitfest.

2367
01:32:34,287 --> 01:32:36,115
[audience laughing]

2368
01:32:36,115 --> 01:32:39,684
So, as you guys, when I read
the infamous death threat

2369
01:32:39,684 --> 01:32:42,078
when the guy mentioned
my sister passing away,

2370
01:32:42,078 --> 01:32:43,906
a couple things that happened,

2371
01:32:43,906 --> 01:32:45,472
'’cause I really do want you
guys to know how serious

2372
01:32:45,472 --> 01:32:47,257
and crazy these Trumpers are,

2373
01:32:47,257 --> 01:32:51,304
so during that period,
my mom got death threats

2374
01:32:51,304 --> 01:32:52,654
to her retirement village,

2375
01:32:52,654 --> 01:32:53,959
and they tracked
her down somehow,

2376
01:32:53,959 --> 01:32:56,222
and that really
scared her a lot.

2377
01:32:56,222 --> 01:32:59,748
But even worse than that
was that my sister Joyce

2378
01:32:59,748 --> 01:33:01,576
was dying of cancer
in a hospital

2379
01:33:01,576 --> 01:33:06,102
and she got death threats
until the day she died.

2380
01:33:06,102 --> 01:33:07,669
[audience ahhing]

2381
01:33:07,669 --> 01:33:09,975
OK comedy show, comedy
show [fake laughs].

2382
01:33:09,975 --> 01:33:11,629
[audience member]
We love you, Kathy!

2383
01:33:11,629 --> 01:33:14,632
And I love you and
thank you, thank you.

2384
01:33:14,632 --> 01:33:17,113
OK, so there'’s
the kind of pressure

2385
01:33:17,113 --> 01:33:18,549
that they'’ll put on somebody

2386
01:33:18,549 --> 01:33:20,246
if they just fucking
feel like it.

2387
01:33:20,246 --> 01:33:23,423
So, when it came time
for the interrogation,

2388
01:33:23,423 --> 01:33:27,079
months had passed,
and every single day,

2389
01:33:27,079 --> 01:33:28,951
this is where your
tax dollars went!

2390
01:33:28,951 --> 01:33:31,475
Every single day, Allan
would call me and say

2391
01:33:31,475 --> 01:33:33,520
the DOJ called again.

2392
01:33:33,520 --> 01:33:35,435
Every day.

2393
01:33:35,435 --> 01:33:36,611
"Is she coming in?

2394
01:33:36,611 --> 01:33:38,395
Is she coming in tomorrow?

2395
01:33:38,395 --> 01:33:39,526
Is she comin'’?

2396
01:33:39,526 --> 01:33:40,876
Can you get her to come in?"

2397
01:33:40,876 --> 01:33:42,704
So finally I said,

2398
01:33:42,704 --> 01:33:45,402
that'’s what they
have Jeff Sessions

2399
01:33:45,402 --> 01:33:48,448
and the Department
of Justice is doing.

2400
01:33:48,448 --> 01:33:52,322
So I said, "What do they
mean am I coming in?"

2401
01:33:52,322 --> 01:33:54,541
And he said, "They
want you to go downtown

2402
01:33:54,541 --> 01:33:57,196
to the jail downtown."

2403
01:33:57,196 --> 01:33:58,850
And I said, "What do you mean?"

2404
01:33:58,850 --> 01:34:00,852
And he goes, "Look, I'’m
negotiating with them,

2405
01:34:00,852 --> 01:34:04,290
but they'’re messing with you.

2406
01:34:04,290 --> 01:34:06,031
They don'’t have anything but
they'’re messing with you."

2407
01:34:06,031 --> 01:34:09,948
And I said, "OK,
what does this mean?"

2408
01:34:09,948 --> 01:34:12,559
And he said, "They want
you to do a perp walk

2409
01:34:12,559 --> 01:34:13,952
in a jumpsuit and cuffs.

2410
01:34:13,952 --> 01:34:15,388
"They want the video of that."

2411
01:34:15,388 --> 01:34:17,347
[audience gasps]

2412
01:34:17,347 --> 01:34:18,957
OK.

2413
01:34:18,957 --> 01:34:21,786
I'’m a prudent woman,
some may say cheap.

2414
01:34:21,786 --> 01:34:23,527
I never thought
I would say this

2415
01:34:23,527 --> 01:34:25,442
to one of the most expensive
lawyers in the world.

2416
01:34:25,442 --> 01:34:28,750
I said, "Alan, I don'’t
care how much it costs.

2417
01:34:28,750 --> 01:34:31,056
I don'’t care if I
have to lose my house

2418
01:34:31,056 --> 01:34:33,711
and lose everything,
over my dead body

2419
01:34:33,711 --> 01:34:37,062
am I letting any one of you
see me do a fucking perp walk

2420
01:34:37,062 --> 01:34:39,848
in a jumpsuit for my
First Amendment rights

2421
01:34:39,848 --> 01:34:41,588
which I did not violate.

2422
01:34:41,588 --> 01:34:43,416
I'’m not letting a woman see it,

2423
01:34:43,416 --> 01:34:45,244
I'’m letting person
of color see it,

2424
01:34:45,244 --> 01:34:47,507
I'’m not letting a
gay person see it,

2425
01:34:47,507 --> 01:34:49,466
I don'’t fucking care
how much it costs,

2426
01:34:49,466 --> 01:34:51,598
over my dead body.

2427
01:34:51,598 --> 01:34:54,079
A perp walk like
a common criminal.

2428
01:34:54,079 --> 01:34:56,778
No fucking way, never!

2429
01:34:56,778 --> 01:34:58,127
Never!"

2430
01:34:58,127 --> 01:35:00,520
[audience cheering]

2431
01:35:00,520 --> 01:35:02,653
Thank you, thank you.

2432
01:35:04,655 --> 01:35:07,484
Two months, two months
they tried to get me

2433
01:35:07,484 --> 01:35:09,007
to do the perp walk.

2434
01:35:09,007 --> 01:35:11,444
So, hundreds of thousands
of dollars later,

2435
01:35:11,444 --> 01:35:13,359
and like I said, the reason
I tell this story is,

2436
01:35:13,359 --> 01:35:15,753
if god forbid any of you
or your 13-year-old kid

2437
01:35:15,753 --> 01:35:17,929
puts their picture up
online or anywhere,

2438
01:35:17,929 --> 01:35:19,409
they have not done
anything wrong

2439
01:35:19,409 --> 01:35:21,454
and they should not
be put through this.

2440
01:35:21,454 --> 01:35:23,326
All right, so he
finally negotiated

2441
01:35:23,326 --> 01:35:27,373
so that I would be interrogated
under oath in his office.

2442
01:35:27,373 --> 01:35:29,767
So a lot of people think I
was interviewed or called.

2443
01:35:29,767 --> 01:35:32,422
No, I was interrogated
under oath.

2444
01:35:32,422 --> 01:35:35,251
So, we practiced, you know,
for a couple of months,

2445
01:35:35,251 --> 01:35:38,558
and he finally talked him
into doing it in his office,

2446
01:35:38,558 --> 01:35:40,212
in a board room of all places,

2447
01:35:40,212 --> 01:35:41,779
and they had to go to my house

2448
01:35:41,779 --> 01:35:43,259
and make sure that
there were no firearms

2449
01:35:43,259 --> 01:35:45,087
because they wanted
to come over

2450
01:35:45,087 --> 01:35:47,306
and he said it'’s kind of
better if they don'’t come over.

2451
01:35:47,306 --> 01:35:48,786
And I was like all
right, but whatever,

2452
01:35:48,786 --> 01:35:50,570
so I said, "Well I don'’t
have any firearms."

2453
01:35:50,570 --> 01:35:53,530
So we had practiced and the
way these things work is,

2454
01:35:53,530 --> 01:35:55,314
I just want you to know,

2455
01:35:55,314 --> 01:35:57,186
this was not a situation
where if I was messing up,

2456
01:35:57,186 --> 01:35:59,275
he could say to the Feds, "I
need a moment with my client."

2457
01:35:59,275 --> 01:36:01,494
And we can sort of
re-strategize or anything.

2458
01:36:01,494 --> 01:36:04,280
So that'’s what I want
you guys to know,

2459
01:36:04,280 --> 01:36:07,196
is that they were seriously
considering charging me

2460
01:36:07,196 --> 01:36:08,980
with conspiracy to assassinate

2461
01:36:08,980 --> 01:36:10,765
the President of
the United States.

2462
01:36:10,765 --> 01:36:12,723
So we were alone in the room
for a few minutes first,

2463
01:36:12,723 --> 01:36:16,640
and he did his lawyerly duty
and he said, "Kid, I love ya,

2464
01:36:16,640 --> 01:36:19,730
but I'’d be derelict in my
duty if I didn'’t tell ya,

2465
01:36:19,730 --> 01:36:22,298
you fuck this up and
you leave in cuffs."

2466
01:36:23,473 --> 01:36:24,996
And I said, "OK,
I understand."

2467
01:36:24,996 --> 01:36:28,783
So the Feds come in, and
the first question was,

2468
01:36:28,783 --> 01:36:30,436
"We understand you have a
preexisting relationship

2469
01:36:30,436 --> 01:36:31,568
with the President."

2470
01:36:31,568 --> 01:36:33,222
So I went through everything,

2471
01:36:33,222 --> 01:36:34,571
from the time I met
him on Suddenly Susan

2472
01:36:34,571 --> 01:36:36,312
to the charity gigs

2473
01:36:36,312 --> 01:36:38,488
where he didn'’t give
the money to charity.

2474
01:36:38,488 --> 01:36:40,229
[audience laughing]

2475
01:36:40,229 --> 01:36:42,144
Every possible run-in,
every up-fronts, every TCAs,

2476
01:36:42,144 --> 01:36:44,929
every time I'’d see him in
New York, all that stuff.

2477
01:36:44,929 --> 01:36:46,104
And what they do,
and I understand,

2478
01:36:46,104 --> 01:36:47,627
they try to catch someone

2479
01:36:47,627 --> 01:36:48,846
to make sure they'’re
not telling a lie.

2480
01:36:48,846 --> 01:36:51,022
So then the male agent said,

2481
01:36:51,022 --> 01:36:53,198
"And is it true you have
no firearms in your home?"

2482
01:36:53,198 --> 01:36:54,678
And I said, "Yes, that'’s true."

2483
01:36:54,678 --> 01:36:56,941
And what we all know
from Michael Cohen

2484
01:36:56,941 --> 01:36:59,291
and Paul Manafort is you
do not lie to the Feds,

2485
01:36:59,291 --> 01:37:03,382
and my hand to God, I
remembered it on the spot

2486
01:37:03,382 --> 01:37:07,386
and I was so proud of myself
for being super honest,

2487
01:37:07,386 --> 01:37:09,214
that I said, "Oh, wait!

2488
01:37:09,214 --> 01:37:14,263
I just remembered,
I do have a giant sword."

2489
01:37:14,263 --> 01:37:19,181
[audience laughing]

2490
01:37:19,181 --> 01:37:22,097
You guys, if you could have
seen Alan'’s face, he was like,

2491
01:37:26,449 --> 01:37:29,539
and then I can tell like,
oh that doesn'’t sound good,

2492
01:37:29,539 --> 01:37:32,194
if they think I
decapitated someone.

2493
01:37:32,194 --> 01:37:34,587
I better explain
it more and more

2494
01:37:34,587 --> 01:37:36,546
and that'’ll make
everything better.

2495
01:37:36,546 --> 01:37:40,158
So, he then takes out the pen
and paper for the first time.

2496
01:37:40,158 --> 01:37:43,031
So I was like shit, so now
I'’m like oh, I am so honest,

2497
01:37:43,031 --> 01:37:45,294
I go, "Yep, that'’s
right, it is a big sword.

2498
01:37:45,294 --> 01:37:46,948
It is like medieval,

2499
01:37:46,948 --> 01:37:48,384
like it'’s got one of
those leather encasements.

2500
01:37:48,384 --> 01:37:49,994
Now obviously, it'’s
only for display,

2501
01:37:49,994 --> 01:37:51,822
but I'’m not gonna
lie, it'’s really big,

2502
01:37:51,822 --> 01:37:53,389
it'’s got a big handle,

2503
01:37:53,389 --> 01:37:56,000
and it'’s even got an
inscription on it!"

2504
01:37:56,000 --> 01:37:57,567
And so then he says, "Really!

2505
01:37:57,567 --> 01:37:59,438
"Are there any
distinct markings?"

2506
01:37:59,438 --> 01:38:03,225
And I don'’t know he
means fucking blood,

2507
01:38:03,225 --> 01:38:05,836
so I go, "Yes!"

2508
01:38:05,836 --> 01:38:07,577
So proud of myself.

2509
01:38:07,577 --> 01:38:08,926
And he'’s like, "Really,
what'’s on the sword?"

2510
01:38:08,926 --> 01:38:10,797
And I go, "Oh!

2511
01:38:10,797 --> 01:38:12,669
It'’s inscribed to me and it
says Welcome to the F-list!"

2512
01:38:12,669 --> 01:38:14,714
[audience laughing]

2513
01:38:14,714 --> 01:38:18,414
Thank god it was documented
on an old episode

2514
01:38:18,414 --> 01:38:19,937
of My Life on the D-List,

2515
01:38:19,937 --> 01:38:21,547
because I then realized
this guy thought

2516
01:38:21,547 --> 01:38:24,811
I was a sword-carrying
crazy ISIS decapitator.

2517
01:38:24,811 --> 01:38:26,639
And I was able to say,

2518
01:38:26,639 --> 01:38:30,339
"Oh, I got it from when I
hosted the gay porn awards!

2519
01:38:30,339 --> 01:38:31,688
I left that part out!"

2520
01:38:31,688 --> 01:38:33,429
[audience laughing]

2521
01:38:33,429 --> 01:38:35,257
Oh yes, if you saw in
My Life on the D-List,

2522
01:38:35,257 --> 01:38:37,215
there was an episode where I
hosted the gay porn awards,

2523
01:38:37,215 --> 01:38:39,783
and now I'’m explaining
it to this FBI agent

2524
01:38:39,783 --> 01:38:41,437
who'’s considering
whether not to charge me

2525
01:38:41,437 --> 01:38:43,134
with conspiracy to assassinate

2526
01:38:43,134 --> 01:38:44,962
the President of
the United States,

2527
01:38:44,962 --> 01:38:47,399
and Alan is looking
at me like oh God,

2528
01:38:47,399 --> 01:38:50,228
and I'’m going, "Oh yes,
well you know the gays,

2529
01:38:50,228 --> 01:38:51,403
go big or go home, am I right?

2530
01:38:51,403 --> 01:38:53,188
I mean this thing is big."

2531
01:38:53,188 --> 01:38:55,320
[audience laughing]

2532
01:38:55,320 --> 01:38:57,279
And it was like a token,
you know what I mean?

2533
01:38:57,279 --> 01:38:59,455
Like not like an honorary, but
it was like a gift, you know.

2534
01:38:59,455 --> 01:39:01,805
And it'’s funny because the
film that won that year,

2535
01:39:01,805 --> 01:39:04,242
ironically, was called Justice.

2536
01:39:04,242 --> 01:39:06,679
It'’s funny that we'’re in
this current situation

2537
01:39:06,679 --> 01:39:12,555
because the film started
where the main gentleman,

2538
01:39:12,555 --> 01:39:17,386
or protagonist, he started
as what'’s called as a, top.

2539
01:39:17,386 --> 01:39:20,519
And then what happened
was, he was arrested,

2540
01:39:20,519 --> 01:39:22,391
but it wasn'’t professional
like this at all,

2541
01:39:22,391 --> 01:39:24,915
like frankly it was kind
of a miscarriage of justice

2542
01:39:24,915 --> 01:39:28,049
in the movie, and during
his interrogation,

2543
01:39:28,049 --> 01:39:31,052
it was like a five-way,
frankly,

2544
01:39:31,052 --> 01:39:32,749
it was nothing like this,

2545
01:39:32,749 --> 01:39:34,751
like this is very professional,
I appreciate your work.

2546
01:39:34,751 --> 01:39:37,536
Now in the film Justice,
during his interrogation,

2547
01:39:37,536 --> 01:39:39,321
he turns into what'’s
called a versatile,

2548
01:39:39,321 --> 01:39:43,455
[audience laughing]

2549
01:39:43,455 --> 01:39:45,153
and then, by the denouement,

2550
01:39:45,153 --> 01:39:47,459
he'’s what'’s called a
full, uh, pig bottom.

2551
01:39:47,459 --> 01:39:49,244
[audience laughing]

2552
01:39:49,244 --> 01:39:51,507
And so I got a
commemorative sword,

2553
01:39:51,507 --> 01:39:53,639
and I just wanna say
this film Justice,

2554
01:39:53,639 --> 01:39:55,119
it swept that year,
I mean, I got like

2555
01:39:55,119 --> 01:39:57,339
best in photography,
best script, best actor.

2556
01:39:57,339 --> 01:39:58,775
It was like The Shape of Water.

2557
01:39:58,775 --> 01:40:01,212
[audience laughing]

2558
01:40:01,212 --> 01:40:02,344
And Alan is looking at me like,

2559
01:40:02,344 --> 01:40:04,215
wrap up the fuckin'’ gay porn.

2560
01:40:04,215 --> 01:40:06,087
Wrap up the gay porn.

2561
01:40:06,087 --> 01:40:08,437
So after that story,
the male agent

2562
01:40:08,437 --> 01:40:09,699
actually had to put
his hand over his mouth

2563
01:40:09,699 --> 01:40:11,179
'’cause he just
started laughing.

2564
01:40:11,179 --> 01:40:14,443
So then, the female
agent turns to me

2565
01:40:14,443 --> 01:40:16,488
and she asks me
the one question

2566
01:40:16,488 --> 01:40:18,664
that Alan and I
had not practiced.

2567
01:40:18,664 --> 01:40:20,536
And it really
caught me off guard

2568
01:40:20,536 --> 01:40:22,407
and I thought we had thought
of every possible question.

2569
01:40:22,407 --> 01:40:24,540
She turns to me and she says,
and we'’re in a board room,

2570
01:40:24,540 --> 01:40:26,368
she goes, "Ms. Griffin,
what would you do

2571
01:40:26,368 --> 01:40:29,849
if the President walked
through that door right now?"

2572
01:40:29,849 --> 01:40:34,028
OK you guys, I'’m already a
paranoid motherfucker, OK?

2573
01:40:34,028 --> 01:40:35,203
[audience laughing]

2574
01:40:35,203 --> 01:40:36,726
Also, I know this fool.

2575
01:40:36,726 --> 01:40:39,294
Like, he doesn'’t do
any Presidenting,

2576
01:40:39,294 --> 01:40:41,078
like I can absolutely
imagine him going,

2577
01:40:41,078 --> 01:40:43,080
hey Mike let'’s get
on Air Force One

2578
01:40:43,080 --> 01:40:44,690
and go fuck with Kathy
Griffin, come on!

2579
01:40:44,690 --> 01:40:46,823
Like I'’m not kidding,

2580
01:40:46,823 --> 01:40:49,260
I thought there
was a 50/50 chance

2581
01:40:49,260 --> 01:40:52,959
that his gunts would be
bursting through that door

2582
01:40:52,959 --> 01:40:56,876
any second, I am not kidding,
I thought this was like,

2583
01:40:56,876 --> 01:41:00,141
and so I turn to Alan
and I just go, "Alan?"

2584
01:41:00,141 --> 01:41:01,968
And he goes, "Answer
the question."

2585
01:41:01,968 --> 01:41:03,144
OK, you guys know that show,

2586
01:41:03,144 --> 01:41:04,623
Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg?

2587
01:41:04,623 --> 01:41:06,103
[audience cheering]

2588
01:41:06,103 --> 01:41:09,237
All right, so, like
I'’ve explained, I

2589
01:41:09,237 --> 01:41:11,239
She can'’t stand me '’cause
I'’m vulgar and crass,

2590
01:41:11,239 --> 01:41:12,240
but I fuckin'’ love her.

2591
01:41:12,240 --> 01:41:13,937
She'’s a bad bitch.

2592
01:41:13,937 --> 01:41:15,199
For god'’s sake, she cooks
and she'’s been to prison.

2593
01:41:15,199 --> 01:41:16,940
What'’s not to love?

2594
01:41:16,940 --> 01:41:19,899
So I wanted to talk to her
when I went on that show

2595
01:41:19,899 --> 01:41:22,076
because Snoop Dogg is
easy to get along with,

2596
01:41:22,076 --> 01:41:25,340
and talking to him is
very different obviously,

2597
01:41:25,340 --> 01:41:26,993
and so I did an
episode of that show,

2598
01:41:26,993 --> 01:41:30,171
and I wanted to talk
to Martha, here'’s why.

2599
01:41:30,171 --> 01:41:32,477
It was when Trump
had just declined

2600
01:41:32,477 --> 01:41:35,219
on the escalator from hell
where Mexicans are rapists

2601
01:41:35,219 --> 01:41:37,352
and Melanie was wearing
like a lampshade

2602
01:41:37,352 --> 01:41:41,007
or whatever the fuckin'’
outfit is, and if you recall,

2603
01:41:41,007 --> 01:41:44,098
when Martha Stewart took
over for The Apprentice,

2604
01:41:44,098 --> 01:41:45,403
Trump was terrible to her!

2605
01:41:45,403 --> 01:41:47,188
Shit on her,

2606
01:41:47,188 --> 01:41:49,407
did press conferences about
how horrible she was, terrible!

2607
01:41:49,407 --> 01:41:53,107
So I wanted to ask her, like,
how do you deal with that

2608
01:41:53,107 --> 01:41:54,543
now that he'’s actually running?

2609
01:41:54,543 --> 01:41:56,197
So I go up to her at
the beginning of the day

2610
01:41:56,197 --> 01:41:57,328
and I say, "Hey Martha,
it'’s good to see you,

2611
01:41:57,328 --> 01:41:58,895
it'’s an honor to be here.

2612
01:41:58,895 --> 01:42:00,810
Maybe at some point
we can grab 15 minutes

2613
01:42:00,810 --> 01:42:03,900
and maybe sit down and have
a cup of coffee or something."

2614
01:42:03,900 --> 01:42:05,119
And she goes like this,

2615
01:42:05,119 --> 01:42:07,251
"It'’s already such a long day."

2616
01:42:07,251 --> 01:42:08,905
[audience laughing]

2617
01:42:08,905 --> 01:42:10,298
I loved her more, I did.

2618
01:42:10,298 --> 01:42:11,908
I loved her more,
I can'’t help it.

2619
01:42:11,908 --> 01:42:13,518
All right, by the
way, two hours later,

2620
01:42:13,518 --> 01:42:15,172
she'’s totally wasted on sake,

2621
01:42:15,172 --> 01:42:17,305
and she'’s doing Snapchat
videos with me like,

2622
01:42:17,305 --> 01:42:21,526
"Wooo, I'’m with Kathy Griffin,
we got a long doggy tongue

2623
01:42:21,526 --> 01:42:23,137
and crazy ears!"

2624
01:42:23,137 --> 01:42:25,269
So, she loosened up a little,

2625
01:42:25,269 --> 01:42:27,837
and so I finally got her alone

2626
01:42:27,837 --> 01:42:29,795
and I said, "Look, this is what
I'’ve been dying to ask you.

2627
01:42:29,795 --> 01:42:32,885
I can'’t believe that The
Donald is actually running,

2628
01:42:32,885 --> 01:42:34,409
like he'’s really running,

2629
01:42:34,409 --> 01:42:35,801
and people might
actually vote for him!"

2630
01:42:35,801 --> 01:42:37,629
And I said, "He was
so awful to you.

2631
01:42:37,629 --> 01:42:40,937
How do you handle it now
when you walk into rooms

2632
01:42:40,937 --> 01:42:42,852
and you have to
be faced with him?

2633
01:42:42,852 --> 01:42:45,159
I mean, you guys kinda
run in the same like

2634
01:42:45,159 --> 01:42:47,987
New York money Mafia circles.

2635
01:42:47,987 --> 01:42:49,989
And he was so vicious,

2636
01:42:49,989 --> 01:42:52,383
what happens if he
unexpectedly walks
into a room?"

2637
01:42:52,383 --> 01:42:54,255
And Martha Stewart
goes like this,

2638
01:42:55,473 --> 01:42:57,736
"I say hello."

2639
01:42:57,736 --> 01:43:00,435
So for the girl who'’s never
done anything right
in her life,

2640
01:43:00,435 --> 01:43:03,002
when the female agent
said, "What would you say

2641
01:43:03,002 --> 01:43:05,396
if the President walked
through that door right now?"

2642
01:43:05,396 --> 01:43:08,791
Somehow, I channeled
my inner Martha Stewart

2643
01:43:08,791 --> 01:43:12,490
and I simply said,
"I'’d say hello."

2644
01:43:12,490 --> 01:43:14,100
And I was exonerated!

2645
01:43:14,100 --> 01:43:15,101
Thank you guys!

2646
01:43:15,101 --> 01:43:16,102
[audience cheering]

2647
01:43:16,102 --> 01:43:17,887
Thank you for coming!

2648
01:43:17,887 --> 01:43:19,671
Thank you, thank you, thank
you, you guys are awesome!

2649
01:43:19,671 --> 01:43:21,630
Thank you, good night!

2650
01:43:21,630 --> 01:43:22,979
[audience cheering]

2651
01:43:22,979 --> 01:43:26,156
[upbeat dance music]

2652
01:43:54,053 --> 01:43:56,099
It actually broadened
my audience.

2653
01:43:56,099 --> 01:44:01,278
So I now get resistors as well
as gay guys and soccer moms.

2654
01:44:01,278 --> 01:44:03,541
So this was also
an historic story.

2655
01:44:03,541 --> 01:44:05,369
I'’m hilarious, but I'’m angry.

2656
01:44:05,369 --> 01:44:08,154
What happened to me
truly was historic

2657
01:44:08,154 --> 01:44:11,462
and unprecedented in
the worst kind of way.

2658
01:44:11,462 --> 01:44:13,856
I'’m here to talk to you
about comedy, feminism,

2659
01:44:13,856 --> 01:44:15,466
and the First Amendment.

2660
01:44:15,466 --> 01:44:17,381
I got fucked by
this administration.

2661
01:44:17,381 --> 01:44:20,776
The First Amendment is
under attack, truly.

2662
01:44:20,776 --> 01:44:23,169
If you don'’t stand
up, you get run over.

2663
01:44:23,169 --> 01:44:26,260
I fought it tooth and nail,
and I shouldn'’t have had to.

2664
01:44:26,260 --> 01:44:28,436
And you shouldn'’t have to!

2665
01:44:28,436 --> 01:44:30,351
Kathy is going back
to the cornerstone

2666
01:44:30,351 --> 01:44:32,440
of what made her
career, standup comedy.

2667
01:44:32,440 --> 01:44:34,877
[female MC] All-new material,
I hope you can handle it,

2668
01:44:34,877 --> 01:44:37,836
thank you, I love you
guys, Kathy Griffin!

2669
01:44:37,836 --> 01:44:40,186
-[crowd cheering]
-[upbeat dance music]

2670
01:44:40,186 --> 01:44:42,363
[Kathy] I'’m always gonna
be open to whatever

2671
01:44:42,363 --> 01:44:44,495
is in the lexicon,
whether it'’s pop culture

2672
01:44:44,495 --> 01:44:46,105
or political and stuff,

2673
01:44:46,105 --> 01:44:47,977
and I don'’t need
to make a decision,

2674
01:44:47,977 --> 01:44:49,848
like am I gonna do
Trump stuff or not.

2675
01:44:49,848 --> 01:44:51,894
But, it'’s great to
have the freedom

2676
01:44:51,894 --> 01:44:55,463
after I did a whole world
tour about the Trump issue,

2677
01:44:55,463 --> 01:44:57,726
but I love it so much, I
just wanna hit the stage.

2678
01:44:57,726 --> 01:44:59,293
[audience cheering]

2679
01:44:59,293 --> 01:45:01,730
Thank you for coming,
I can'’t believe it!

2680
01:45:01,730 --> 01:45:04,863
[audience cheering]

2681
01:45:07,649 --> 01:45:11,043
I think the people who act
like eating a pint of ice cream

2682
01:45:11,043 --> 01:45:13,655
is too much for one sitting
are fuckin'’ pussies, thank you.

2683
01:45:13,655 --> 01:45:15,004
[audience cheering]

2684
01:45:15,004 --> 01:45:17,615
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

2685
01:45:17,615 --> 01:45:19,661
I call it child-sized,
child-sized.

2686
01:45:19,661 --> 01:45:21,967
I can down a quart
if I'’m by myself,

2687
01:45:21,967 --> 01:45:23,752
I can down a quart like nothin'’

2688
01:45:23,752 --> 01:45:25,362
and sleep like a fuckin'’ baby.

2689
01:45:25,362 --> 01:45:28,539
So, I hate these
assholes that they like,

2690
01:45:28,539 --> 01:45:30,411
if you go to a dinner party

2691
01:45:30,411 --> 01:45:33,283
and they have a pint of
ice cream for four people.

2692
01:45:33,283 --> 01:45:35,241
And I'’m like, what are
the other three gonna do?

2693
01:45:35,241 --> 01:45:36,982
[audience laughing]

2694
01:45:36,982 --> 01:45:39,420
That shit'’s mine.
OK go have you, berries.

2695
01:45:39,420 --> 01:45:40,943
By the way, doesn'’t that suck

2696
01:45:40,943 --> 01:45:42,466
when somebody has a
really awesome party

2697
01:45:42,466 --> 01:45:44,033
and they go, "And for
dessert there'’s berries."

2698
01:45:44,033 --> 01:45:46,383
The reason I wore my PJs
is my joke is that in LA,

2699
01:45:46,383 --> 01:45:50,039
this is so fucking late to
get people to come out in LA.

2700
01:45:50,039 --> 01:45:51,432
[audience laughing]

2701
01:45:51,432 --> 01:45:53,172
I know for people going,
"Yes!," I'’m sorry.

2702
01:45:53,172 --> 01:45:56,350
'’Cause the gays have to
be at the gym at 4:30.

2703
01:45:56,350 --> 01:45:58,569
[audience laughing]

2704
01:45:58,569 --> 01:46:00,092
Or else they
get fired from gay.

2705
01:46:00,092 --> 01:46:02,051
They are fired from
gay, I'’ve seen it!

2706
01:46:02,051 --> 01:46:03,052
I'’ve seen it.

2707
01:46:03,052 --> 01:46:04,836
[audience laughing]

2708
01:46:04,836 --> 01:46:07,230
All right so, answer is no,
so thank you for coming!

2709
01:46:07,230 --> 01:46:08,579
-[audience applauding]
-[upbeat rock music]

2710
01:46:08,579 --> 01:46:11,190
♪ I know what'’s on your mind ♪

2711
01:46:11,190 --> 01:46:13,976
♪ But if you'’re
inclined not to say it ♪

2712
01:46:13,976 --> 01:46:17,762
♪ Well don'’t you worry
'’cause I'’ll say it ♪

2713
01:46:17,762 --> 01:46:23,072
♪ I'’ll say it for you ♪

2714
01:46:23,072 --> 01:46:25,466
♪ I know what'’s in your head ♪

2715
01:46:25,466 --> 01:46:28,425
♪ But if you turn
red when you say it ♪

2716
01:46:28,425 --> 01:46:32,168
♪ Well don'’t you worry
'’cause I'’ll say it ♪

2717
01:46:32,168 --> 01:46:37,260
♪ I'’ll say it for you ♪

2718
01:46:37,260 --> 01:46:40,481
♪ You don'’t have
to speak a word ♪

2719
01:46:40,481 --> 01:46:44,528
♪ '’Cause I know that
we both feel it ♪

2720
01:46:44,528 --> 01:46:47,966
♪ And I don'’t care
if it sounds absurd ♪

2721
01:46:47,966 --> 01:46:53,363
♪ I know the truth
and I'’ve got to reveal it ♪