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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ No gyal can tell me 'bout my mother ♪

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♪ 16 shot, we go longer than a ladder ♪

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♪ Dem nuh fi talk 
'Bout the real don dada ♪

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♪ Put body inna pot 
Dem a bun like grabba ♪

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♪ No boy can diss me or my mother ♪

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♪ Round here ain't safe
Everybody need armour ♪

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♪ 16 shot, we go shotta any bluddah ♪

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♪ Rah-ta, rah-ta
Ka-kah, ka-kah, ka-kah ♪

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♪ Rah-ka-ka-ka-ka-rahh! ♪

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♪ You couldn't be badder

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-♪ Than a King-stony ♪
-Hi!

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♪ Diss my mother 
Then your skin start bleed ♪

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♪ So don't bother mess with my mommy ♪

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[crowd cheering]

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♪ Baby, tink you bad 
Say ya badder than she ♪

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♪ If dog a-go bark
Long time dem doh eat ♪

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[crowd cheering]

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Hello!

21
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:05,899
Welcome. Thank you so much 
for sharing your evening with me.

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00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,942
What a thrill to be here

23
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,944
in what's left of America.

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You've done an amazing job with it. Um...

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My name is Katherine,

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and for the last year or so,

27
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I've been touring around the UK,

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um, mostly making people very angry.

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I'm not really sure 
what makes them so angry.

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Uh, all that it is, I suppose,

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is that I am a woman who is 35 years old,

32
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and I don't have a boyfriend

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and I don't want a boyfriend.

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I love men, 
but I feel that men are like dolphins,

35
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:39,641
in that they should be enjoyed on holiday.

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[cheering]

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And they're very intelligent,

38
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almost as smart as people.

39
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It's...

40
00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:55,156
But that doesn't mean you should 
have one in your house. Why would you...

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00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:59,160
What a disaster that would be.
What do they even eat?

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00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:03,540
And a large number of them 
turn out to be sexual predators as well.

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Hashtag #notalldolphins,
but many dolphins.

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They are the chimpanzees of the sea.

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I feel that men are nature's gun.

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You know, you're statistically most likely
to be killed by the one in your house.

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That's the bit 
they get mad about. That's...

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That's probably it.

49
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"Well, Katherine, no,

50
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statistically, men are
most likely to be victims of homicide."

51
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,030
True. Who's killing them?

52
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Ghosts? It's not us.

53
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Women don't have time to kill men.

54
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First of all,
we wish you no specific harm.

55
00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:46,749
And also, we're very busy.

56
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When women do, unfortunately, 
commit murder, it's, like, a big deal.

57
00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:52,714
They get a whole sit-down interview
with Piers Morgan.

58
00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:56,092
And if that's not 
dangling a carrot, like...

59
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Come on ladies, one more time.

60
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:05,476
Uh, there's been some feedback,
and I enjoy taking it on board.

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00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,313
They say, um... "Katherine,
you need to work harder

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00:03:08,396 --> 00:03:11,274
on making your show a safe space for men."

63
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,568
Um...

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There've been a lot of suggestions
on how to do it.

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So, number one,

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if men are uncomfortable,
just have sandwiches ready

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to deliver to them.

68
00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:25,163
Uh, that should help. Oh!

69
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Someone said perhaps I should do 
the entire show as their mother.

70
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But that's a lot of admin,
and I don't have time for...

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Someone said, "Maybe build a set
like an entire kitchen,

72
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and then you'd be performing 
in a familiar environment."

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[sighs] But I just think 
they should grow a dick instead.

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[cheering]

75
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,559
But-- Yeah.

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As I have done. Um...

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'Cause comedy
is a completely safe space for men.

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Men have a lot of safe spaces,
like the Senate and the world and...

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comedy.

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Um, I get it, I'm a woman

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00:04:02,283 --> 00:04:05,495
who has ideas and opinions
and I say those out loud on a stage.

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[retching] People are like...

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"Why doesn't she just sing a song?"

84
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I don't know, but I can't tell you 
how much stand-up comedy

85
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I have had to listen to in my career
where men are like,

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"If I'm fuckin' a hooker and she comes,
I'm askin' for my money back."

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It's like...

88
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is she gonna give you 
pretend money back?

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Like, "Seven, eight..."
'cause she didn't come.

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00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,228
Um...

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Here you go,

92
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and your change.

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00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:35,984
Um...

94
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,944
I'm just not good at dating.

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I tried it on for a little while.

96
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:41,739
And for everyone's better life,

97
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I've taken myself out of the game,

98
00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:47,078
and then loads of people in my life 
want me to get back into the game.

99
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Why? Why do I have to be like you?

100
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,832
If I were this bad at anything else--

101
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If I were a surgeon 
who managed to kill every patient...

102
00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:57,880
and burn down the palliative care unit...

103
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pretty sure my friends and family 
would not be like,

104
00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:05,096
"Katherine, when are you gonna get back
in the emergency room, girl?

105
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,392
Just one more try."

106
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:12,270
I'm not gonna be single forever.

107
00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:13,980
I think the ladies will agree with me,

108
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35, far too young to settle down

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00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:18,693
and have a man in your house.

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-[cheering]
-Far too young.

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-[man heckles]
-Dangerously young.

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You don't think so, sir?

113
00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:28,161
You look... Oh, oh, oh. 
You're just pointing at a nearby woman.

114
00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:29,287
"Talk to her."

115
00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:35,835
Have I made you uncomfortable already?
My goodness.

116
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I don't have any sandwiches on me.
Perhaps if I speak to you from my knees.

117
00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:40,173
Sir.

118
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:43,176
[cheering and applause]

119
00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:45,511
What more can I do?

120
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:48,264
Um, does he belong to you?

121
00:05:50,099 --> 00:05:52,143
-That's wonderful news. What's your name?
-Michelle.

122
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:54,062
-Michelle? And what's your name, sir?
-Joseph.

123
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:56,105
Joseph? Well done. Um...

124
00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,067
It's okay.

125
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,194
-Do you keep this man in your house?
-[Michelle] I do.

126
00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:03,446
You do? Oh, my goodness. For how long?

127
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,198
Almost six years.

128
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:08,409
Six years in the house, Joseph!
And what do you do in there?

129
00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:11,371
I clean the kitchen.

130
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,081
[Katherine] You clean the kitchen.

131
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:15,458
That's very good.
What else do you get up to in the house?

132
00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:17,960
-[Michelle] Video games.
-[Joseph] Video games.

133
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:19,545
-You do what?
-[Joseph] Video games.

134
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:22,256
-Video games. You look-- You're allowed.
-[Joseph] Yeah!

135
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:25,051
He's just shamefully withdrawn, like...

136
00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:27,595
[sniffling] "I play video games." [sighs]

137
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,306
"I wank into a mirror."

138
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,560
You're allowed to do all those things,
Joseph, okay.

139
00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:35,812
Um, do you-- do you work?

140
00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:37,647
-Are you a stay-at-home husband?
-Yes. I work.

141
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,273
No, you work, good.

142
00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:40,983
And how long are you out of the house for?

143
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,861
-How many hours do you get away?
-[Joseph]  Oh, gosh. At least seven.

144
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:45,321
Seven hours, okay.

145
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,240
Oh, I could maybe live with that one day.

146
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,450
-So you get some exercise and come back.
-Yes.

147
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:50,618
What do you do together?

148
00:06:51,869 --> 00:06:53,621
Is he sexually adventurous?

149
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,959
-[Joseph] That's for you.
-[Michelle] Oh God, I...

150
00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:58,960
-No?
-I don't...

151
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,423
-Not after six years, Joseph.
-[Joseph] Less lately.

152
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,758
No one's expecting a miracle.
You're all right.

153
00:07:07,176 --> 00:07:09,637
-Okay, but you're an asset to the house?
-Yeah.

154
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:10,930
-Great, and you get along?
-Yes.

155
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,932
-[Michelle] Yes. Sometimes.
-Absolutely wonderful.

156
00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:16,102
Even though you're clearly far too young
to have a man in your house.

157
00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:18,813
-How old are you? Do you mind if I ask?
-[Michelle] 35.

158
00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:20,356
35! Exactly.

159
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,607
Golden age.

160
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,860
Listen, I'm glad 
that it's working out for you,

161
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:26,988
because I have considered allowing a man
like you, Joseph, into my...

162
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:30,116
house and... et cetera, but...

163
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:32,368
Um...

164
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,705
I just feel like, right now, 
it's best if I stay single

165
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:38,624
until I am the age
that Céline Dion is now.

166
00:07:40,793 --> 00:07:43,421
-Yeah, do you know Céline Dion, Joseph?
-Not personally.

167
00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:45,131
-Oh, she--
-She loves her.

168
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:46,883
[Katherine] Yeah!
You love her,  I love her.

169
00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:48,759
Who doesn't love Céline Dion?

170
00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:51,304
[cheering and applause]

171
00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:52,805
Céline Dion

172
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:57,560
is an entire OJ Simpson prison sentence
and a half older than I am.

173
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,692
See?

174
00:08:04,775 --> 00:08:07,945
And there's not a person here 
who wouldn't fuck Céline Dion.

175
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,573
You grow in value.

176
00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:13,117
Céline Dion is a freak in the streets
and a freak in the sheets.

177
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:14,911
You can be both at that age.

178
00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,330
Céline Dion is the face of Dior.

179
00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:18,956
Céline Dion is living her best life.

180
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,126
She has released albums in Japanese,
Mandarin Chinese,

181
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:25,880
Latin, German, Spanish,
Italian, French, English...

182
00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:27,965
The current president 
of the world's largest economy

183
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:30,843
cannot even speak one of those languages.

184
00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:33,721
[cheering and applause]

185
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,393
Céline Dion is kicking it in the dick.

186
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:40,478
Why?

187
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,357
Why? Because her husband is dead.

188
00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:46,734
[crowd groaning]

189
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,194
He's dead.

190
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,322
[sing-song] He's dead!

191
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:54,617
Bye-bye, René. Au revoir, monsieur.

192
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,578
He's dead. And don't get it twisted.

193
00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:59,997
It's not that I think 
the only good husbands are dead ones.

194
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:04,168
It's that I know Céline Dion's husband
met her when he was 38 years old

195
00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:05,962
and she was, does anybody know?

196
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,047
-[woman] 12.
-Yes, you people know.

197
00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:09,757
She was 12.

198
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:10,925
[audience gasping]

199
00:09:11,008 --> 00:09:12,468
She was 12,

200
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,763
and the whole world collectively decided
to let that one slide.

201
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:19,559
They're like, "Bah, I don't know, 
Céline Dion, she knew what she was doing."

202
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,102
Now, I do have to say,

203
00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:22,520
he met her when he was 38

204
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,272
and she was 12, and they worked together.

205
00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:25,481
He was her manager.

206
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:29,318
Just, you know, in charge of her 
day-to-day affairs, like a father figure.

207
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:32,863
And nothing sexual happened 
between them until the magical evening

208
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:34,991
of her 18th birthday
when they fell in love.

209
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,328
That's the legal bit for Netflix.

210
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,371
Uh...

211
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,376
So I don't really know
who the true victim is there.

212
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:49,005
I kind of feel like 
it's R Kelly, somehow. It's...

213
00:09:50,464 --> 00:09:51,591
It is him.

214
00:09:54,051 --> 00:09:55,511
Poor R Kelly.

215
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:59,807
He's over here trapped in the closet, 
looking at this relationship like, "What?

216
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,520
I would've been so much less creepy
if I grew up in Marseille! Why?"

217
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,648
Life's not fair, that's why.

218
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,443
But just currently, I don't know,
I'm having an amazing time.

219
00:10:10,526 --> 00:10:12,111
I have a beautiful daughter...

220
00:10:12,194 --> 00:10:13,946
uh, who's British.

221
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:17,033
And I really recommend 
having an English child.

222
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,827
It's like having a tiny,
ineffective butler at home.

223
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:25,416
Aw, she's got me feeling 
like the Fresh Prince all day.

224
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,668
[British accent]
"I'm ever so sorry, Mummy.

225
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:30,129
I appear to have mashed Nutella
into the carpet again."

226
00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:34,925
I'm like, "You did. 
You are the shittiest butler in the world.

227
00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:39,138
But I love you, and hey, where's 
Mummy's drink, though? Where is it?"

228
00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:41,849
"Oh, oh, I do apologize, Mummy.

229
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:44,435
Would you like a day wine 
or a night wine?"

230
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,646
Isn't that so cute?

231
00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:50,816
She thinks white wine is for the day 
and red wine is for the night.

232
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:54,654
And she's not wrong, is she? 
She's a very...

233
00:10:55,571 --> 00:10:57,406
very perceptive little girl.

234
00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:00,326
If you wanna mess with her head,
ask for wine about 5:30.

235
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:02,870
She just looks at the sun, 
like, "Oh, goodness me.

236
00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:05,873
Is it day or...

237
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,333
Oh, no...

238
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:08,876
Would you ladies like a rosé?"

239
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:09,919
"Fuck off.

240
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:13,089
We're not in France."

241
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,549
She's a wonderful child.

242
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:18,344
She's absolutely wonderful. She's the kind
of kid that stitches you up.

243
00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:20,388
She never has a tantrum,
she's very polite.

244
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:23,557
But if she is mad at me, she'll just wait
three days, till we visit friends,

245
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:24,558
and she'll say to them,

246
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,268
"Have you got any apples?

247
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:28,270
I haven't had an apple in weeks."

248
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,188
Lie.

249
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:31,607
Just a lie.

250
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,151
She'll say,
"My mummy hides wine in the walls."

251
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:39,031
You know that's a wine rack.
I'm not hiding it there.

252
00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:42,076
That's where it goes.

253
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,620
[sighs]

254
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:50,084
I love being a mother, but I am dealing
with a real prick on the school run.

255
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:53,587
Does anyone know Jane from North London?
Do you guys know this prick?

256
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:56,632
You get out to Primrose Hill much? No?

257
00:11:57,216 --> 00:12:00,219
So Jane used to have 
a corporate career. And that's fine.

258
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:03,848
And now Jane stays home 
to look after seven tiny children.

259
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:06,183
And that, ladies, is also fine.

260
00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:09,353
Apart from I did not know 
you could have that many that fast.

261
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:10,771
I genuinely did not.

262
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:14,525
Her eldest daughter is the same age 
as my only daughter,

263
00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:16,694
and then I blinked 
and she shot out six more,

264
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,487
just like... rrrrrrrrrr!

265
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,614
Jane's having a baby 
every four months, somehow.

266
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,950
Jane, she keeps it together.

267
00:12:23,033 --> 00:12:26,120
Jane has an ass like a peach,
cervix like a Hula-Hoop.

268
00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:27,121
Just...

269
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,457
Boom! Boom!

270
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,709
Shooting them out, back on the school run.

271
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:37,298
Jane's involved in all the fundraising 
at the children's school,

272
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:40,509
and she's on my dick 
about the cake sale every other month.

273
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,345
Just, "Katherine,
will you help with the cake sale?

274
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,306
Katherine, you didn't sign up 
for the cake sale.

275
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:46,682
How many cakes will you make?"

276
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,018
Finally, I put my foot down. 
I said, "None.

277
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:53,439
Because the last time I helped you,
you sold my cakes for ten cents."

278
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:57,401
She sold them for ten cents each.

279
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,987
"Are we selling these cakes
for Bangladeshi kids

280
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,781
or to Bangladeshi kids, Jane?

281
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,830
Where are you getting
your price point, prick?

282
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:11,874
Where's your scale of economies at, huh?

283
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:15,669
How and when were you ever effective 
in the corporate world, bitch?"

284
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:21,509
Don't let these people trick you.
They don't even need money.

285
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,093
They just wanna take your time.

286
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:26,388
I said, "If it is about the money, Jane, 
how about I cut you a check for $100,

287
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:29,183
you fuck off and make 1,000 cupcakes?"

288
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:33,187
That is how many it is.

289
00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:37,817
Jane has a ham-colored husband
call Brian.

290
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,485
[loud laughter]

291
00:13:39,568 --> 00:13:40,528
Oh!

292
00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:42,988
You do know Jane.

293
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:48,702
I have never seen Brian 
out of a bicycle helmet in my entire life.

294
00:13:50,579 --> 00:13:52,414
And I have never seen a bicycle.

295
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,542
There may not be a bicycle.

296
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,879
Brian's out there,
riding a bicycle of the mind.

297
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:03,926
But it gives me some insight into... 
Men have identity issues, as well.

298
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:05,678
He's about 45,

299
00:14:05,761 --> 00:14:07,847
and when he makes those cameos 
on the school run,

300
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,932
he wants everyone to know he's still fit.

301
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,642
Bicycle helmet, workout gear,

302
00:14:11,725 --> 00:14:14,311
full spandex,
he's circumcised, you can tell.

303
00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:19,525
"Just here to collect my children."

304
00:14:20,484 --> 00:14:23,863
Brian runs marathons. 
The worst kind of prick, by the way.

305
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:26,156
What is it about a middle-aged man,

306
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:30,160
he's gotta know he can be 26 miles away
from home on foot at any given moment?

307
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,705
Y'all just start running around, like...

308
00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,000
"I'm raising awareness for cancer!"

309
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:37,585
"We've heard of it. Sit down.

310
00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:45,426
It's deeply popular."

311
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:50,848
And Jane loves Brian very much.

312
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:52,516
And I'm very happy for them.

313
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,269
That is the traditional shape of a family.

314
00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:57,646
And there's some people,
that if you deviate,

315
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,356
especially as a woman,

316
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,026
from being the type of person
they understand,

317
00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:03,277
they just can't deal with it.

318
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,486
Jane is one of these people.

319
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,114
She looks at me and she says,
"Oh, Katherine,

320
00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:08,824
you are alone.

321
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:13,037
I would be so sad if I were alone."

322
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,831
I said, "I'd be sad 
if I was alone with you too, Jane.

323
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:20,294
But when I'm alone,
I get to hang out with me."

324
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,004
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah! ♪

325
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,758
She goes,
"Oh, but surely you're very worried.

326
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:29,428
Aren't you worried 
that you're running out of time

327
00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:31,221
to have another baby?"

328
00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:33,140
I said, "We're all running
out of time, Jane.

329
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:34,308
That's how time works.

330
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,103
If anything, I have more time than you do

331
00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:41,482
'cause I don't have to help find
14 tiny shoes every morning.

332
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,819
And I don't have to sleep 
with your husband.

333
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,365
No, I fuck him 'cause I want to.

334
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,950
I don't have to do it."

335
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:52,660
[cheering and applause]

336
00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:55,079
That's what makes it fun. Thank you.

337
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:57,873
"My body, my choice, Jane." Uh...

338
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,794
No, don't panic.
I'm not sleeping with Brian.

339
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:03,587
Of course I'm not sleeping with Brian.

340
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:05,631
Though I would hate fuck Brian.

341
00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:09,259
Um... But don't-- It's just because 
I'm an excellent mother.

342
00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:13,555
I'll tell you what I mean.

343
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:15,432
So their eldest daughter, Hannah,

344
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:18,310
has been bullying 
my angel daughter, Violet.

345
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:20,854
And she and I have
very different personalities.

346
00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:23,983
My daughter gets deeply wounded 
by bullying

347
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,818
because she just lives with me,

348
00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:28,487
and at home, I'm nice to her all the time.

349
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,364
We're not like a mom and a nine-year-old.

350
00:16:30,447 --> 00:16:31,865
We are like two nine-year-olds,

351
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:33,784
but one of us has cellulite
and a credit card.

352
00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:34,785
It's amazing.

353
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:37,621
"It's her." "It's me." Um...

354
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,500
And we have all those little,
teeny, tiny dogs.

355
00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:43,544
You know, the ones 
that men won't let you get?

356
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,505
The ones that just shiver 
and piss from their eyes.

357
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:51,760
I got 40 of them.
There's no one to stop me.

358
00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:55,764
And I could handle bullying.

359
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,808
I mean, I was the only child in the world

360
00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:01,645
who believed my mother when she said,
"They're just jealous, Katherine."

361
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,105
I was like, "Girl, I know.

362
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:10,320
They could have victimized 
any girl in the school,

363
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:11,905
but they chose me."

364
00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:15,034
And one other girl 
with a cleft palate and one leg.

365
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,494
But we were the Kim and Kanye 
of the fourth grade.

366
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:21,540
'Cause the only other place I'd seen
women victimized for their looks

367
00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:22,583
was in magazines.

368
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:25,794
So when it happened to me,
I was like, "Ah, I have arrived!"

369
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:27,588
I was bulletproof.

370
00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:29,673
They'd throw paper 
at my head in class, I'd be like,

371
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:32,926
"Who should I make this out to?"
and thank them for their support.

372
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,180
I don't have a child like that.

373
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:38,682
She cries,
she doesn't want to go to school anymore.

374
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:40,309
And teachers, if you're in,

375
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:43,687
you do not get paid enough
for the tremendous job that you do.

376
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,565
And that's why I take my beef 
to the streets.

377
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,401
I went straight to Jane.

378
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,279
I said, "Jane, the girls are not 
getting along. Violet is very upset.

379
00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:54,865
I would appreciate it if you could have 
meaningful conversations

380
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:56,075
about empathy in your home."

381
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,243
Jane, for the first time,
wanted no involvement.

382
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:01,747
She said, "Meh...
Why don't we let the school deal with it?"

383
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:02,831
I was like, 'Meh...

384
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:05,125
"Why don't I fuck your man?"

385
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:07,127
[applause]

386
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:12,174
Yes, 'cause I've been watching 
a troubling amount of Love & Hip Hop.

387
00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:20,140
And I will break up a family 
on a Tuesday afternoon.

388
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,267
Of course I will.

389
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:25,729
What kind of mother are you if you're not
prepared to weaponize your pussy

390
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,648
against the enemies of your children?

391
00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:31,110
[cheering and applause]

392
00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:34,029
We've got a lot of good moms in tonight.

393
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:38,367
I will hate fuck the absolute shit 
out of Brian.

394
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:39,827
I will let him keep the helmet on.

395
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:41,745
He'll need it. How about that?

396
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,376
I don't wanna do it, I really don't.

397
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:49,044
That's why I think the best thing to do

398
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,463
would just be 
to gently threaten the child.

399
00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:53,382
Just like, "Good morning, Hannah!

400
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:56,135
Are you gonna be nice today? 
Mm, I hope so.

401
00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:59,721
Hey, how'd you like to spend every other
weekend on the highway, huh?

402
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:03,308
You're about to have 
two Christmases, bitch. I--"

403
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,400
Being a single mom's not for everyone...

404
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,777
um, but it certainly is for me.

405
00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:17,823
And I think I co-parent 
with Violet's father quite successfully.

406
00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:22,035
If you are co-parenting, you have 
to be nice about the other partner.

407
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,788
"Oh, I know he was a monster to me,
but she does this..."

408
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,790
It doesn't matter. He's no one to me.

409
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,167
He's my child's dad,

410
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,669
and for that reason,
I shall never say a bad word about him.

411
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:33,172
Uh, my parents do not have 
the same ethos.

412
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:36,508
I remember, one evening, I was in bed,

413
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:39,761
and I overheard my father
calling my mother a whore.

414
00:19:40,470 --> 00:19:42,514
And I had a great sense of justice.

415
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:45,267
And so I appeared at the top 
of the stairs in my jammies,

416
00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:46,602
and I said, "Daddy!"

417
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:48,270
He said, "Yes?" And I said,

418
00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:50,856
"Grandma's a whore!

419
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:59,281
How do you like it when someone 
calls your mother a whore?"

420
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,495
He did not. He did not.

421
00:20:06,663 --> 00:20:08,540
-[applause]
-And... [laughs]

422
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:12,211
I mean, admittedly at the time,
I didn't know what a whore was.

423
00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:14,213
Uh, and I can just tell you privately,

424
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,048
Margaret Ryan, my grandma,

425
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:19,468
absolute Irish Catholic saint,
could not have been less of a whore.

426
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,013
Compared to her, my mother
absolutely was a whore, so...

427
00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:27,559
that was my bad on that one,
I hold my hands up, that was...

428
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:30,687
Uh... My mom's kind of like Frank Sinatra,
but really sexy.

429
00:20:31,104 --> 00:20:34,691
She's just always smoking near,
like, Scotch and a piano,

430
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:37,236
just doing a few kick ball changes.

431
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:41,406
"How's England, doll?" "It's fine."

432
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:43,575
Um...

433
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:45,744
The trouble is, children are smart.

434
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:48,080
My daughter's nine years old,
she's got eyes in her head,

435
00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:50,624
so she's started to ask
some very troubling questions.

436
00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:54,586
She says, "Mummy, do you think
my daddy is a wonderful man?"

437
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:56,171
I'm like, "Wonderful?

438
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,674
He is the greatest man
that I have ever known."

439
00:20:59,007 --> 00:21:00,092
She says, "All right, Mummy.

440
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,803
Do you think my daddy is a clever man?"

441
00:21:02,886 --> 00:21:05,639
I'm like, "Clever? Try genius.

442
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,516
Some people say gambling problem,

443
00:21:07,599 --> 00:21:10,602
I say wealth management strategy!

444
00:21:12,562 --> 00:21:14,398
Your father is going straight to the top."

445
00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:16,191
She says, "All right, Mummy. Um...

446
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:19,111
Do you think my daddy 
is a very, very handsome man,

447
00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:20,696
and do you fancy my daddy?"

448
00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:23,907
That's a tough one, but I persist. 
I'm like... [retches] "Yes.

449
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:27,286
Your father is the most beautiful man
I've ever laid eyes upon.

450
00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:29,037
I lust for him every evening."

451
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,998
She's like, "Ew, all right. Um...

452
00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:34,710
Well, Mummy, but if all that is true,

453
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:37,713
how come my daddy's not your boyfriend?"

454
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:39,715
[gasps] They're smart. Aren't they smart?

455
00:21:39,798 --> 00:21:42,634
You have to think on your feet as
a single mom. I'm like, "Great question.

456
00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:45,178
That is because... he...

457
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:47,681
is too good for me."

458
00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:53,145
She's like, "Is he, Mummy?
Really? Are you sure?"

459
00:21:53,228 --> 00:21:54,938
"Yes, your father is out of my league.

460
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:58,567
I am not good enough for him.
That's how amazing your father is."

461
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:00,736
She's like, "What? 
But, Mummy, you're on television.

462
00:22:00,819 --> 00:22:03,155
He hasn't even got a microwave.
Are you sure?"

463
00:22:06,199 --> 00:22:07,534
He could have a microwave.

464
00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:10,162
He doesn't believe in microwaves. 
La-la-la. Um...

465
00:22:12,914 --> 00:22:15,792
A lot of our arguments when we were
together were very microwave-based,

466
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:16,960
so watch out for that.

467
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:20,505
And I said, 
"Yes, Violet, you've got it right.

468
00:22:20,589 --> 00:22:23,216
I love everything about him.
I miss him, I fancy him, all of that."

469
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:24,760
She's like, "I don't understand.

470
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:26,928
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'm seeing Daddy on Friday.

471
00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:29,765
I'll tell him how much you love him,
how much you miss him.

472
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:31,808
Quite easily,
I think I'll get you back together."

473
00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:35,103
I don't have to worry. He's a really 
good dad, so I know what he'll say.

474
00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:37,272
He's gonna say,
"Yes, your mother is a very calm,

475
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:39,358
forgiving, low-maintenance woman.

476
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:44,237
Of course, I fancy your mother,

477
00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:46,281
but she is too good for me."

478
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:49,493
And so we've worked it out 
that Violet thinks she has two parents

479
00:22:49,576 --> 00:22:51,495
who are very much in love,

480
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:54,373
but just with bottom-of-the-barrel
self-esteem problems.

481
00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:00,379
And that is how
British children are raised.

482
00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:04,716
I was out in the game,

483
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:08,303
I was out for a little while, accidentally
falling in love here and there.

484
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:10,305
And there was a man that I thought,

485
00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:13,225
"Oh, maybe I will allow him 
into my house one day."

486
00:23:13,308 --> 00:23:15,268
I didn't know, really,
what was gonna happen,

487
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:18,146
and then he made the decision for me
by moving to Japan.

488
00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:21,691
Which I feel is overkill, if I'm honest.

489
00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:25,112
Go to the next town, I won't follow you.

490
00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:27,030
I'm very lazy.

491
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:29,908
You come anywhere outside my immediate
area code, I'm off the pill.

492
00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:31,201
That's the deal with me.

493
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:34,287
He went to Japan and it broke my heart.

494
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:35,831
As soon as I was rejected, I thought,

495
00:23:35,914 --> 00:23:38,250
"Oh, I've really missed out 
on this amazing man."

496
00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:40,460
And I was crying in my room,
and Violet found me.

497
00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:42,796
She said, "Oh, Mummy, don't be upset.

498
00:23:42,879 --> 00:23:45,006
That boy was a nuisance."

499
00:23:47,175 --> 00:23:49,845
And I had to Google "nuisance."
She's very fancy.

500
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:54,391
She went to a far better school 
than I went to.

501
00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:56,560
I'm from a part of Canada 
that's, like, awful.

502
00:23:56,643 --> 00:23:58,520
-It's called Sarnia. Do you know it?
-[man] Whoo!

503
00:23:58,603 --> 00:23:59,604
No. Um...

504
00:24:02,983 --> 00:24:06,319
There are two people 
who are known to have left Sarnia.

505
00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:10,657
There's me and then heroic 
Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield.

506
00:24:11,032 --> 00:24:12,993
Everyone loves Chris Hatfield.

507
00:24:13,076 --> 00:24:15,162
He has millions of Twitter followers.

508
00:24:15,245 --> 00:24:18,623
They named an asteroid, 
two schools and an airport after him.

509
00:24:18,707 --> 00:24:20,917
And I got a letter from the town council,

510
00:24:21,001 --> 00:24:22,752
asking me to stop saying 
I was from Sarnia.

511
00:24:22,836 --> 00:24:24,421
That's the difference between us.

512
00:24:25,422 --> 00:24:27,549
I just think Chris Hadfield 
is a rubbish celebrity.

513
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:30,760
He's just a really nice guy,
just an astronaut, just some space fucker.

514
00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:32,137
Who cares about him?

515
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:35,891
"Oh, Katherine, are you being too hard 
on your local hero?"

516
00:24:35,974 --> 00:24:37,684
No, he's got a mustache.

517
00:24:37,767 --> 00:24:39,853
You can't be a celebrity with a mustache.

518
00:24:40,395 --> 00:24:42,939
It just looks like they fired 
a substitute teacher into space.

519
00:24:46,776 --> 00:24:49,112
Far more interesting people 
from my hometown.

520
00:24:49,196 --> 00:24:50,572
How about my friend Elizabeth?

521
00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:53,658
She overdosed on fentanyl 16 times.

522
00:24:56,286 --> 00:24:59,206
Still alive, still doing fentanyl.

523
00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:01,875
What a hero.

524
00:25:03,877 --> 00:25:05,504
Or my other friend Mandy Kay.

525
00:25:05,587 --> 00:25:07,964
She jerked off three hockey players
in the space of an hour,

526
00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:09,716
and they went on to win the game.

527
00:25:12,469 --> 00:25:13,595
Where's her airport?

528
00:25:17,807 --> 00:25:20,435
Life's just not fair sometimes. 
Um... [chuckles]

529
00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:24,481
And so, um... he moved to Japan,

530
00:25:24,856 --> 00:25:27,984
and Violet said, 
"Don't worry, Mummy. He's a nuisance."

531
00:25:28,401 --> 00:25:31,655
And then after about a week and a half,
he called me and he said,

532
00:25:31,738 --> 00:25:34,533
"Oh, you didn't come."
I said, "Pardon me?"

533
00:25:34,616 --> 00:25:36,618
He said, "I just figured you would come."

534
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:39,454
I was like, "Where'd that apathy get you
in our sex life?

535
00:25:40,163 --> 00:25:42,457
"Why now what I spontaneously come?"

536
00:25:43,833 --> 00:25:46,169
He goes, "No, no, no, 
I figured that you would realize

537
00:25:46,253 --> 00:25:47,879
how much you needed me

538
00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:50,799
and you would follow me to Japan."

539
00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:53,176
I was like, "You what?

540
00:25:54,177 --> 00:25:57,055
You thought... You thought
that I was gonna sell the dogs,

541
00:25:57,138 --> 00:25:58,723
pull my daughter out of school,

542
00:25:58,807 --> 00:26:00,183
quit my little job,

543
00:26:00,267 --> 00:26:02,060
move across the world,

544
00:26:02,143 --> 00:26:05,981
place myself directly in the flight path
of a North Korean missile...

545
00:26:08,024 --> 00:26:10,569
just to suck your dick in Japan?"

546
00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:14,739
He said,
"Well, I guess if you won't follow me,

547
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,826
that just goes to show 
that you don't need me."

548
00:26:17,909 --> 00:26:20,370
I said, "You're just learning that? No.

549
00:26:21,288 --> 00:26:23,164
No, I don't need you, I liked you.

550
00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:25,458
I chose to have you around
because you're a laugh.

551
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:27,794
I enjoy your company, 
but you are a luxury item."

552
00:26:29,004 --> 00:26:32,340
And he said, "Well I need to be 
with someone who makes me a priority.

553
00:26:32,424 --> 00:26:34,301
And I suppose because you have a child,

554
00:26:34,384 --> 00:26:38,388
I will never be your first priority,
I shall always be second."

555
00:26:38,471 --> 00:26:41,349
And I was like, "Hah! Second? Oh.

556
00:26:43,476 --> 00:26:44,769
No."

557
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,855
[cheering and applause]

558
00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,777
And by the way, I paid for everything.

559
00:26:53,236 --> 00:26:56,031
I was like,
"It literally says priority on your bags

560
00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:58,158
every time I buy you a plane ticket.

561
00:26:58,575 --> 00:27:02,579
And I always check back into economy
to see how you're doing on the flight."

562
00:27:04,539 --> 00:27:07,042
What more could I possibly have done 
for this man?

563
00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:09,085
He said, "I must go where I am needed."

564
00:27:09,169 --> 00:27:11,171
Okay, Batman, off you fuck.

565
00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:15,842
Can you imagine, if I followed, just me,

566
00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:17,969
the biggest, whitest woman in Japan.

567
00:27:18,053 --> 00:27:19,304
Just like... "Raaar!

568
00:27:19,387 --> 00:27:22,474
Give me back my boyfriend 
or I shall destroy Tokyo!

569
00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:23,933
Where is he?"

570
00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:30,440
Would someone like me go to Japan?

571
00:27:31,149 --> 00:27:32,776
-[man] No.
-No. I went to Japan.

572
00:27:32,859 --> 00:27:34,277
Of course I went to Japan.

573
00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:35,862
I went to Japan!

574
00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:37,364
I missed him so much.

575
00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:39,282
And I left my daughter at her dad's.

576
00:27:39,366 --> 00:27:41,868
I was like, "I'll be right back,"
and I flew all the way to Japan.

577
00:27:41,951 --> 00:27:45,538
I was in such a rush, I fell 
in the airport and broke my front tooth.

578
00:27:45,622 --> 00:27:48,500
-[audience] Aww.
-Yeah, one of the best teeth.

579
00:27:49,959 --> 00:27:52,921
I was at the lowest point of my life 
and he was very sweet.

580
00:27:53,004 --> 00:27:55,382
He collected me from the airport,
I didn't speak the language.

581
00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:56,675
He took me to his apartment.

582
00:27:56,758 --> 00:27:59,803
He said, "Don't worry.
We'll get your tooth sorted, it's fine."

583
00:27:59,886 --> 00:28:02,722
And I thought,
"Wow, I was right to chase this man.

584
00:28:02,806 --> 00:28:04,391
I do need him."

585
00:28:04,474 --> 00:28:06,351
I rang my mother
and I told her the good news.

586
00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:08,728
I said, "Mom, I'm gonna sell the dogs,

587
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:10,188
pull my daughter out of school,

588
00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:13,024
move across the world
and live with this man in Japan."

589
00:28:13,108 --> 00:28:14,025
And she said...

590
00:28:14,901 --> 00:28:17,153
"Let me get this straight." 
[exhales heavily]

591
00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:20,699
You're financially dependent 
on a man in a foreign country

592
00:28:20,782 --> 00:28:22,492
and you got no fuckin' teeth?"

593
00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:31,584
She's a very clever whore, indeed.

594
00:28:33,878 --> 00:28:36,423
So I came home. But I will be honest,

595
00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:39,384
I'm not bulletproof,
it did hurt my feelings.

596
00:28:39,759 --> 00:28:43,763
And my friends gathered round me,
like friends do in times of grief.

597
00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:49,018
And they were like, "Girl, you need 
to get yourself a revenge body, girl."

598
00:28:49,102 --> 00:28:50,437
I was like, "A what?"

599
00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:51,980
They said, "A revenge body."

600
00:28:52,063 --> 00:28:54,482
"Unless it's his body
in the back of my truck, I don't follow."

601
00:28:56,359 --> 00:28:57,569
And I know you don't follow.

602
00:28:57,652 --> 00:29:00,488
You're like, "Katherine, why are all
your friends offensive stereotypes

603
00:29:00,572 --> 00:29:01,906
of American black women?"

604
00:29:03,783 --> 00:29:06,953
They're not. They're gay British men.
It's the same voice.

605
00:29:08,288 --> 00:29:09,622
It's the exact same voice.

606
00:29:10,790 --> 00:29:11,624
[laughs]

607
00:29:11,708 --> 00:29:14,711
"Well, ah ah ah, h'auntie,
this will not do. [chuckles]

608
00:29:15,628 --> 00:29:18,590
You need to get yourself a revenge body,
okurrrt?" [trills]

609
00:29:18,673 --> 00:29:20,300
And I didn't know what it was.

610
00:29:22,844 --> 00:29:26,264
And so I looked it up,
I found out revenge body,

611
00:29:26,347 --> 00:29:28,933
it's a term coined by Khloé Kardashian,

612
00:29:29,017 --> 00:29:32,270
one of my top five 
favorite Kardashians, guys.

613
00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:36,232
Do you enjoy the family?
Do you like the Kardashians?

614
00:29:36,316 --> 00:29:37,692
-[woman] No.
-[scatted cheering]

615
00:29:37,776 --> 00:29:40,612
Some do, some don't.
Oh, very divisive, aren't they?

616
00:29:40,695 --> 00:29:43,281
Look, Joseph, just ratting out
your girlfriend straight away.

617
00:29:43,364 --> 00:29:44,908
She loves them. So do I.

618
00:29:44,991 --> 00:29:46,659
Give me a cheer if you like
the Kardashians.

619
00:29:46,951 --> 00:29:48,119
[scattered cheering]

620
00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:50,538
Many people. Give me a cheer
if you dislike the Kardashians.

621
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:52,791
[loud cheering and applause]

622
00:29:53,541 --> 00:29:55,543
A lot more.

623
00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:57,629
How do you feel about them?

624
00:29:58,338 --> 00:30:00,507
-[man] I'm indifferent. They're cool.
-Just indifferent?

625
00:30:00,590 --> 00:30:02,175
-[man] Yeah. They do their thing.
-Yeah.

626
00:30:02,258 --> 00:30:06,054
Okay, well, apathy is a better attitude
than pure hatred based on nothing.

627
00:30:06,971 --> 00:30:08,306
-What's your name?
-Jay.

628
00:30:08,389 --> 00:30:09,933
Jay, do you watch the show?

629
00:30:10,016 --> 00:30:12,018
-Uh, I've seen an episode.
-And what did you think?

630
00:30:12,101 --> 00:30:13,728
Just apathy or were you motivated...

631
00:30:14,270 --> 00:30:15,396
[Jay] They make a good show.

632
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,857
Yeah, exactly, Joe, they make a good show.

633
00:30:18,107 --> 00:30:21,236
That's why I watch it, very tasteful
interiors. I find it relaxing.

634
00:30:22,904 --> 00:30:25,031
Okay, who dislikes the Kardashians?

635
00:30:26,032 --> 00:30:27,242
-[cheering]
-You dislike them.

636
00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:28,618
No, madam, you don't like them.

637
00:30:28,701 --> 00:30:29,994
-What's your name?
-[woman] April.

638
00:30:30,078 --> 00:30:31,913
April, why do you hate the Kardashians?

639
00:30:31,996 --> 00:30:35,083
-[April] They just don't do anything.
-They don't do anything?

640
00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:38,419
They do things 24 hours a day.

641
00:30:40,421 --> 00:30:42,006
They're doing things all the time.

642
00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:44,509
You need to follow them on Instagram,
and you shall see.

643
00:30:46,135 --> 00:30:49,055
Kim gets up at five a.m.,
straight in the gym.

644
00:30:49,138 --> 00:30:50,723
She eats oatmeal and egg whites.

645
00:30:50,807 --> 00:30:53,643
She's, like, basically an athlete.
She does that for you.

646
00:30:56,020 --> 00:30:59,899
They have lots of painful procedures,
they're doing all these businesses.

647
00:30:59,983 --> 00:31:01,818
Joe and I, we watch the show.

648
00:31:01,901 --> 00:31:05,363
The Kardashians have Trojan horsed
a lot of important issues

649
00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,574
into what looks like a vapid reality show.

650
00:31:07,657 --> 00:31:09,993
They had an episode 
on the importance of Planned Parenthood.

651
00:31:10,076 --> 00:31:12,328
An episode on gun control.
I love the Kardashians.

652
00:31:12,412 --> 00:31:15,290
For me, they are a matriarchy
of shape-shifting sisters

653
00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:17,208
who destroy men or turn them to women,

654
00:31:17,292 --> 00:31:18,418
and for that...

655
00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:21,671
[cheering and applause]

656
00:31:21,754 --> 00:31:23,047
[whistling]

657
00:31:25,133 --> 00:31:27,760
It's very much a sci-fi program.

658
00:31:29,637 --> 00:31:31,723
All they had to do was be Rob.

659
00:31:31,806 --> 00:31:33,766
That is all that was expected of them.

660
00:31:34,684 --> 00:31:37,061
And these women rise up.

661
00:31:37,437 --> 00:31:39,022
They're absolutely amazing.

662
00:31:39,105 --> 00:31:40,648
They have beautiful children.

663
00:31:41,107 --> 00:31:43,735
And all their children
somehow look like them,

664
00:31:43,818 --> 00:31:46,946
even though they themselves 
don't look like them.

665
00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:51,534
And I will say they're not perfect,

666
00:31:51,618 --> 00:31:53,828
but they are thriving 
in a capitalist society

667
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:55,413
that they did not design.

668
00:31:55,496 --> 00:31:57,373
And for me, they're very vulnerable.

669
00:31:57,457 --> 00:31:58,666
They share everything.

670
00:31:58,750 --> 00:32:01,002
And when I was heartbroken 
during my breakup,

671
00:32:01,085 --> 00:32:03,129
Khloé was also going through a breakup

672
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:06,007
with her then husband,
NBA star Lamar Odom.

673
00:32:06,633 --> 00:32:08,384
Now, he had drug dependency issues.

674
00:32:08,468 --> 00:32:10,803
Anyone who's been touched by that
knows he lost everything.

675
00:32:11,137 --> 00:32:13,723
He lost his job and his fame and his wife.

676
00:32:13,806 --> 00:32:16,893
And he lost way more weight 
than she did, by the way, but...

677
00:32:17,894 --> 00:32:21,272
But she didn't cry in her room 
like I cried in my room.

678
00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:25,026
Khloé got in the gym and she started
working out, lifting weights.

679
00:32:25,109 --> 00:32:27,236
I thought, "What? 
Here we go, revenge body.

680
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,197
She's gonna bulk up,
be drafted by the NBA,

681
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:30,615
beat him at his own game."

682
00:32:31,032 --> 00:32:32,659
[applause]

683
00:32:36,871 --> 00:32:38,539
That's not what happened, though. [laughs]

684
00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:41,793
Uh, she just got a little bit smaller.

685
00:32:42,168 --> 00:32:43,336
[laughs simperingly]

686
00:32:44,003 --> 00:32:47,382
Aw, man, that's the best you can do
when a man tells you to go away?

687
00:32:47,465 --> 00:32:50,426
Just, like, seven pounds of you goes away.

688
00:32:53,012 --> 00:32:55,932
Men don't do it the same way,
and we've really gotta stop.

689
00:32:56,432 --> 00:32:59,519
Show me a revenge film,
Taken, starring Liam Neeson.

690
00:32:59,602 --> 00:33:01,646
That's a good movie.
Where is the scene, though?

691
00:33:01,729 --> 00:33:05,817
When he's on the phone, like, 
"I have a very specific set of skills.

692
00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:08,569
You let my daughter go 
and that will be the end of it.

693
00:33:08,653 --> 00:33:10,405
But if you don't...

694
00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:13,616
then, like, Bible, 
I will lose ten pounds." [simpers]

695
00:33:14,701 --> 00:33:18,830
Yeah, I will appear on the cover 
of Complex magazine in my underpants."

696
00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:22,625
And the captors are like, "What? Oh, no,
we never hear such terrible revenge.

697
00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:23,835
Please! Please!

698
00:33:24,585 --> 00:33:26,754
Please, just kill us, no!"

699
00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:30,341
It's never gonna happen.

700
00:33:30,425 --> 00:33:32,635
When my boyfriend left,
I gained ten pounds,

701
00:33:32,719 --> 00:33:34,846
perspective, a house
and a Netflix special.

702
00:33:34,929 --> 00:33:37,390
Just eat some chicken wings,
just eat something.

703
00:33:37,473 --> 00:33:38,599
They don't care.

704
00:33:38,683 --> 00:33:40,351
[cheering and applause]

705
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:44,439
You can be small if you wanna be small.

706
00:33:44,522 --> 00:33:46,107
All of your bodies are very beautiful.

707
00:33:46,190 --> 00:33:48,985
But it's troubling when there's only 
one type of body that we see.

708
00:33:49,485 --> 00:33:51,946
Meghan Markle, I'm supposed to like her,

709
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:56,117
even though she took the only viable
ginger cock off the market, and that...

710
00:33:57,618 --> 00:33:59,370
that cut me very deep. [sighs]

711
00:34:00,329 --> 00:34:02,665
That is the white tiger of the dick world.

712
00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:07,795
She saw his rare gemstone penis

713
00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:10,214
and captured it like a horny Lara Croft.

714
00:34:15,636 --> 00:34:17,764
And what's going on?
Why is she so small?

715
00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:19,474
Is there not a kitchen in the palace?

716
00:34:19,557 --> 00:34:21,142
These girls, they're all just so little.

717
00:34:21,225 --> 00:34:23,227
Have you been in a room 
with Meghan Markle? I have.

718
00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:25,688
If she was born in the winter,
she wouldn't have made it.

719
00:34:25,772 --> 00:34:26,939
She's this big.

720
00:34:29,817 --> 00:34:33,529
What's the point of even being rich 
if you can't have Taco Bell every day?

721
00:34:36,449 --> 00:34:39,118
When she and Kate Middleton 
go out on disaster relief,

722
00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:41,370
you can't tell 
who needs the malaria shots.

723
00:34:43,664 --> 00:34:47,210
I'm very happy that there's 
mixed ethnicity in the royal family.

724
00:34:47,293 --> 00:34:48,461
It's groundbreaking.

725
00:34:48,544 --> 00:34:52,256
But wouldn't it also be groundbreaking
to have a duchess over 92 pounds?

726
00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:54,467
Like, "What? Feed these women!"

727
00:34:57,178 --> 00:34:58,012
[sighs]

728
00:34:58,471 --> 00:35:00,139
Do we have any single mothers in?

729
00:35:01,808 --> 00:35:02,975
None. Good.

730
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:06,020
They're at home where they belong.

731
00:35:07,146 --> 00:35:08,564
[whistling]

732
00:35:10,900 --> 00:35:12,026
No single mothers? None?

733
00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:13,986
-Anyone considering it? Oh, one.
-[woman] Whoo!

734
00:35:14,862 --> 00:35:16,614
Just one single mom, then?

735
00:35:17,406 --> 00:35:18,908
You're just gonna lead her out, see...

736
00:35:18,991 --> 00:35:21,077
"We'll see how this goes for her, 
and then..."

737
00:35:21,869 --> 00:35:23,538
No, you're fine. Okay. What's your name?

738
00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:25,498
[woman] Michelle and Dawn.

739
00:35:25,581 --> 00:35:27,458
-Michelle...
-[Michelle] And Dawn.

740
00:35:27,542 --> 00:35:29,085
-And Don.
-[Michelle] Yes.

741
00:35:29,168 --> 00:35:30,837
Seems less single than before.

742
00:35:33,339 --> 00:35:35,716
She hasn't realized she doesn't
have to say his name anymore.

743
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,468
Its just... You can just be Michelle.

744
00:35:37,552 --> 00:35:38,636
Don's gone.

745
00:35:43,683 --> 00:35:45,893
So, there are two single mothers,
you've arrived together,

746
00:35:45,977 --> 00:35:47,937
one of you is Dawn
and one of you is Michelle?

747
00:35:48,020 --> 00:35:50,273
-[Michelle] Yes.
-Okay, and you are speaking for the group?

748
00:35:52,859 --> 00:35:55,319
You see how organized 
a single mother has to be?

749
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:59,407
She's like, "Dawn, you be quiet.
As ever, I'm the spokeswoman.

750
00:36:02,326 --> 00:36:05,371
You saw what happened when you tried
to get us those free drinks earlier.

751
00:36:07,290 --> 00:36:09,167
Let me deal with it, Dawn."

752
00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:13,254
Dawn, are you in an abusive friendship?

753
00:36:16,340 --> 00:36:17,758
Welcome, Michelle and Dawn.

754
00:36:17,842 --> 00:36:21,012
May I ask, how long has each of you 
been a single mother for?

755
00:36:21,971 --> 00:36:23,639
[Michelle] Oh, wow. 2009.

756
00:36:24,265 --> 00:36:25,349
2009?

757
00:36:25,766 --> 00:36:26,976
Same! Um...

758
00:36:27,059 --> 00:36:30,730
Both-- Both of you together decided 
in 2009, "This is gonna be our year"?

759
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:39,238
And you were just coincidentally friends?
Or this was an organized...

760
00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:42,158
-departure?
-[Dawn] Our kids are friends.

761
00:36:42,241 --> 00:36:44,202
Your children are friends.
See, that's the thing.

762
00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:46,162
That's why Jane's on my dick all the time.

763
00:36:48,247 --> 00:36:50,791
Okay, your children are friends,
and you're friends,

764
00:36:50,875 --> 00:36:52,251
and you're both single mothers,

765
00:36:52,335 --> 00:36:54,420
out on the town,
enjoying a night of comedy.

766
00:36:54,795 --> 00:36:58,216
Welcome. Um, are you dating, 
are you feeling it out,

767
00:36:58,299 --> 00:37:00,384
or just concentrating on your lives?

768
00:37:01,761 --> 00:37:03,054
-[Michelle] Yes.
-Yes.

769
00:37:05,556 --> 00:37:08,142
You just don't want 
to be outed on Netflix.

770
00:37:09,727 --> 00:37:12,480
[chuckles]
You'll be like, "I'm on Tinder right now."

771
00:37:13,981 --> 00:37:17,318
Okay, may I ask you,
do you enjoy being single mothers?

772
00:37:17,401 --> 00:37:18,486
-[Michelle] Yes.
-[Dawn] Yes.

773
00:37:18,569 --> 00:37:21,656
You both do. Straightaway.
No one ever says no. They're like, "Yep."

774
00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:26,118
Do you feel that there's stigma attached 
to being a single mom?

775
00:37:26,202 --> 00:37:27,536
-[Michelle] Definitely.
-Yeah, why?

776
00:37:27,620 --> 00:37:30,831
Why are these Janes like 
"Just get back in a relationship."

777
00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:32,041
"No!"

778
00:37:32,124 --> 00:37:34,877
Okay. Um, this is the thing, ladies.

779
00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:37,463
I feel, if you are unsure
about your choices

780
00:37:37,546 --> 00:37:40,633
ask yourself, "Would I be more celebrated

781
00:37:40,716 --> 00:37:42,969
if I were doing this as a man?"

782
00:37:43,511 --> 00:37:45,930
And if I were a man, if you were men,

783
00:37:46,013 --> 00:37:48,391
we wouldn't be, "Single, oh, no."

784
00:37:48,474 --> 00:37:51,394
We'd be eligible as fuck.

785
00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:53,771
You can sit down, ladies.

786
00:37:53,854 --> 00:37:56,315
-Thank you so much. Um...
-[cheering and applause]

787
00:37:57,525 --> 00:37:58,651
Thank you.

788
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:03,572
I just bought a house in central London.

789
00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:06,492
They would have made me 
the Bachelor two years ago.

790
00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:10,288
Like, "Oh, my God, how does he do it?

791
00:38:10,371 --> 00:38:12,999
How does a young, young,

792
00:38:13,082 --> 00:38:15,418
young, young,

793
00:38:16,002 --> 00:38:18,921
young, young, young, young
baby boy of a man...

794
00:38:20,589 --> 00:38:23,592
How does he raise a gorgeous 
young daughter without financial help

795
00:38:23,676 --> 00:38:25,052
from anywhere?"

796
00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:27,972
And there'd be memes of me 
just vacuuming with no shirt on.

797
00:38:28,055 --> 00:38:29,640
No one knows why, just...

798
00:38:29,724 --> 00:38:31,309
[moaning]

799
00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:33,602
"How does he do it?"

800
00:38:33,686 --> 00:38:36,439
"I don't know.
I just push it back and forth. Uhh..."

801
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:41,569
There would be YouTube videos
going viral.

802
00:38:41,652 --> 00:38:44,322
Have you seen these?
40 million views.

803
00:38:44,405 --> 00:38:46,741
"Oh! Incredible dad

804
00:38:46,824 --> 00:38:50,494
learns to braid his own child's hair!

805
00:38:52,621 --> 00:38:54,749
How does he do it?" [laughs]

806
00:38:56,042 --> 00:38:57,668
And I'd be very smug.

807
00:38:57,752 --> 00:39:01,005
I'd be like, 
"Well, if you think my hands are full

808
00:39:01,088 --> 00:39:02,757
you should see my heart.

809
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:04,091
Uhhnngh!"

810
00:39:07,219 --> 00:39:12,141
I would say,
"I take three equal sections of hair.

811
00:39:13,309 --> 00:39:18,105
And then, heroically, I fold one 
into the other two, and so on."

812
00:39:18,189 --> 00:39:21,275
Like any idiot could do.

813
00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:26,697
And women all over the globe 
would lose their shit.

814
00:39:26,781 --> 00:39:28,366
They'd be like, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

815
00:39:28,449 --> 00:39:31,118
Michelle, Dawn, get over here!
Have you heard about...

816
00:39:32,286 --> 00:39:34,288
this incredible single dad?

817
00:39:34,372 --> 00:39:37,958
Where is he? 
Is anyone sucking him off right now, here?

818
00:39:38,751 --> 00:39:40,961
Can I go next?" [simpers]

819
00:39:41,045 --> 00:39:43,881
They'd form a very long line,
and then I would remove the mask

820
00:39:43,964 --> 00:39:46,092
and be like, "Ha ha. I am a lady."

821
00:39:49,178 --> 00:39:51,931
And those same women 
would be like, "Ew, gross.

822
00:39:52,014 --> 00:39:53,474
Another single mom.

823
00:39:55,142 --> 00:39:58,521
She should have worked harder 
to keep her family together."

824
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:02,817
♪ He left because I asked him to ♪

825
00:40:04,026 --> 00:40:06,320
[cheering and applause]

826
00:40:06,404 --> 00:40:07,780
[whistling]

827
00:40:10,866 --> 00:40:13,285
♪ I asked him more than once 
La-la-la, la-la-la ♪

828
00:40:13,369 --> 00:40:14,453
[laughs]

829
00:40:15,287 --> 00:40:18,290
People always say,
"How are you single? I don't understand.

830
00:40:18,374 --> 00:40:20,960
There are men. You could get one."

831
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:22,378
I know.

832
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:24,380
Um...

833
00:40:25,131 --> 00:40:28,551
Still, still,
boys are taught to become somebody,

834
00:40:28,634 --> 00:40:30,678
girls are taught to find somebody.

835
00:40:30,761 --> 00:40:33,973
I have chosen to do neither
of those dog shit things.

836
00:40:36,058 --> 00:40:39,061
And I still go on dates,
but with my girlfriends.

837
00:40:39,145 --> 00:40:41,730
I recently accompanied 
my single girlfriend Emma

838
00:40:41,814 --> 00:40:43,482
to her aunt's funeral.

839
00:40:44,817 --> 00:40:45,651
And...

840
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:50,072
It was a beautiful day, and her aunt
was such an inspiring woman.

841
00:40:50,156 --> 00:40:52,324
She lived to be 95 years old,

842
00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:56,412
she escaped the Nazis,
and started an incredible business.

843
00:40:56,495 --> 00:40:59,331
And as we saw her off,
a man next to us said,

844
00:40:59,415 --> 00:41:01,417
"Oh, so sad.

845
00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:05,379
95 years old
and never able to find a man."

846
00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:06,547
[audience groans]

847
00:41:06,630 --> 00:41:10,092
I was like,
"How do you think she lived so long?"

848
00:41:10,968 --> 00:41:13,053
[cheering and applause]

849
00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:18,684
♪ Get your breath away from me ♪

850
00:41:20,436 --> 00:41:21,437
[sighs]

851
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:25,858
My daughter and I are, uh...
very dissimilar,

852
00:41:25,941 --> 00:41:26,817
and that's okay.

853
00:41:26,901 --> 00:41:29,570
She came home from school 
the other day, and she said to me,

854
00:41:29,653 --> 00:41:32,490
"Mummy, do you know what's happening 
in my country?"

855
00:41:32,573 --> 00:41:35,534
Which is an ominous way 
to start any sentence nowadays.

856
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:40,331
I said, "What, Violet?
What's happening in your country?"

857
00:41:40,414 --> 00:41:41,749
And she says, "Well, Mummy,

858
00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:44,168
there are people coming into the country,

859
00:41:44,251 --> 00:41:46,587
and they're using all the stuff
and taking all the jobs,

860
00:41:46,670 --> 00:41:48,714
and soon there's going to be 
nothing left for me."

861
00:41:48,797 --> 00:41:51,592
I was like...
[gasps] "I've raised a deplorable."

862
00:41:54,053 --> 00:41:55,012
Sad.

863
00:41:55,554 --> 00:41:56,430
Um...

864
00:41:57,181 --> 00:41:58,307
[chuckles]

865
00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:02,811
And she's very innocent. We have 
the same problems all over the world.

866
00:42:02,895 --> 00:42:04,480
The political climate is very similar.

867
00:42:04,563 --> 00:42:08,067
I think sometimes we surround ourselves
with too many like-minded people.

868
00:42:08,150 --> 00:42:11,028
My viewpoint is just a different one 
to yours sometimes,

869
00:42:11,111 --> 00:42:12,696
and hers is a different one to mine.

870
00:42:12,780 --> 00:42:14,990
I think that's very healthy 
for discussion.

871
00:42:15,074 --> 00:42:17,743
The trouble is the irony.
I had to say to her, "Violet.

872
00:42:17,826 --> 00:42:21,664
"Uh, you know, the people that you're
worried about coming into the country?"

873
00:42:21,747 --> 00:42:23,207
She says, "Yes, Mummy?"

874
00:42:23,290 --> 00:42:25,251
I said, "'Do you know that that's you?"

875
00:42:26,126 --> 00:42:29,630
She says, "No it's not, Mummy.
I'm 100 percent British."

876
00:42:29,713 --> 00:42:31,590
I was like, "You're 100 percent not.

877
00:42:33,217 --> 00:42:37,471
You were born here, 
but I came from another country.

878
00:42:37,555 --> 00:42:41,183
Maybe you didn't notice
'cause I'm white, and..."

879
00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:43,602
I...

880
00:42:43,686 --> 00:42:45,187
[scattered applause]

881
00:42:46,063 --> 00:42:48,148
We're very sneaky. I...

882
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:51,068
started working straight away,
I had nothing.

883
00:42:51,151 --> 00:42:53,445
I worked and I worked harder 
and I paid tax and I worked.

884
00:42:53,529 --> 00:42:56,574
And I didn't even use
our public health service in England

885
00:42:56,657 --> 00:43:00,077
until the day I delivered her
in the hospital.

886
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:02,246
And she says, "Well, yes, Mummy, me.

887
00:43:02,329 --> 00:43:04,582
And I'm entitled to those things
because I'm British."

888
00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:07,543
I was like, "Oh! And if you're worried 
about jobs, by the way,

889
00:43:07,626 --> 00:43:09,753
plenty of jobs to do around here.

890
00:43:09,837 --> 00:43:13,090
Start with the washing up, maybe clean 
your fucking room every once in a while.

891
00:43:14,967 --> 00:43:19,221
I promise, I'm only doing the jobs 
that you won't do."

892
00:43:20,306 --> 00:43:24,226
Sometimes I feel like a foreign nanny 
who's given birth to my mean British boss.

893
00:43:25,728 --> 00:43:27,813
And so I took her for a genetic test,

894
00:43:27,896 --> 00:43:30,149
which is a fun thing to do 
with any racist.

895
00:43:30,232 --> 00:43:31,275
Have you been?

896
00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:34,069
[cheering and applause]

897
00:43:34,153 --> 00:43:35,738
Have you been?

898
00:43:35,821 --> 00:43:38,115
You must do it to see their little faces

899
00:43:38,198 --> 00:43:41,452
when they find out they're Nigerian
and have to quit their club.

900
00:43:43,621 --> 00:43:45,247
'Cause no one's 100 percent anything.

901
00:43:45,331 --> 00:43:47,875
It would be very bad for you
if you were 100 percent anything.

902
00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:50,294
Your ancestors moved all around the earth

903
00:43:50,377 --> 00:43:53,505
and collected the strongest stuff
from all over, and that's why you're here.

904
00:43:53,589 --> 00:43:56,216
Has anyone taken one of these tests
where you spit in a tube?

905
00:43:56,300 --> 00:43:58,135
You have. Oh, both of you have. Hello.

906
00:43:58,218 --> 00:43:59,762
-What's your name?
-[woman] Savvy.

907
00:43:59,845 --> 00:44:01,472
Savvy, cool. Oh, my gosh.

908
00:44:01,555 --> 00:44:03,432
Already we know it's gonna be spicy.

909
00:44:05,726 --> 00:44:06,894
Okay, Savvy,

910
00:44:06,977 --> 00:44:10,689
um, before you took the genetic test,
what did you think your ancestry was?

911
00:44:10,773 --> 00:44:13,692
-[Savvy] I thought I was really Russian.
-Really Russian? Not just Russian?

912
00:44:13,776 --> 00:44:15,569
-Like--
-Really Russian?

913
00:44:15,819 --> 00:44:18,072
-[Savvy] Almost full.
-Almost full.

914
00:44:18,155 --> 00:44:20,949
-[Savvy] And the other part German.
-Cool. Russian and German.

915
00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:23,285
-Then what did it turn out  that you were?
-Really British.

916
00:44:23,369 --> 00:44:26,163
Really, erm... Scandinavian.

917
00:44:26,246 --> 00:44:28,207
Do you remember the percentages 
of the really?

918
00:44:28,290 --> 00:44:29,667
Uh, 33.

919
00:44:29,750 --> 00:44:31,085
-33?
-Yeah.

920
00:44:31,168 --> 00:44:33,128
-Oh, 33 is really, really high.
-Yeah.

921
00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:35,881
-Most people aren't 33. Okay.
-Almost all three of them.

922
00:44:36,507 --> 00:44:38,550
-And did it change your life in any way?
-[Savvy] No.

923
00:44:38,634 --> 00:44:40,761
No, you were like, "Still white."

924
00:44:44,181 --> 00:44:47,685
Poor Savvy. She was hoping she could 
start singing Cardi B on public transport.

925
00:44:47,768 --> 00:44:48,894
No.

926
00:44:49,436 --> 00:44:50,562
[Savvy] No.

927
00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:55,359
I was hoping for that as well.

928
00:44:55,734 --> 00:44:58,195
But I took the test. 
Well, Violet took the test first.

929
00:44:58,278 --> 00:45:01,365
She's also 30% British, like you.
That's high. She was pleased with that.

930
00:45:01,448 --> 00:45:04,034
I took the test,
and they asked me to take it again.

931
00:45:05,202 --> 00:45:06,787
And I was like, "Uh-oh."

932
00:45:06,870 --> 00:45:09,581
I took it again
and they said, "We're sorry,

933
00:45:09,665 --> 00:45:12,668
you are 96 percent Irish,

934
00:45:13,335 --> 00:45:15,462
which is entirely too high."

935
00:45:22,010 --> 00:45:23,887
I know I'm Irish. My dad's Irish.

936
00:45:23,971 --> 00:45:26,181
We visited all the time as a kid.
It's a big clue.

937
00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:27,850
But 96?

938
00:45:27,933 --> 00:45:31,395
They were looking at me, like,
"How did she get dressed today?"

939
00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:35,524
96!

940
00:45:35,607 --> 00:45:38,861
Like, that means my ancestors 
never swallowed on holiday.

941
00:45:38,944 --> 00:45:40,195
Never.

942
00:45:41,113 --> 00:45:43,490
Even got in a-- Just nothing. Nothing!

943
00:45:43,574 --> 00:45:47,745
These lazy women just fucked in a circle
in one village in Ireland. Just...

944
00:45:47,828 --> 00:45:50,998
Cousin, cousin, cousin, cousin...

945
00:45:51,081 --> 00:45:54,084
for thousands and thousands of years.

946
00:45:56,336 --> 00:46:00,883
Trust me, no matter what anyone tells you,
that is not what you want.

947
00:46:01,300 --> 00:46:05,763
And I know that right now, minorities feel
really displaced and disrespected.

948
00:46:05,846 --> 00:46:07,347
I face a very different threat.

949
00:46:07,431 --> 00:46:09,391
If this gets out, I could be farmed

950
00:46:09,475 --> 00:46:11,852
into a sexual breeding program
by the alt-right.

951
00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:17,483
They'll be like, "Oh, great news, we found
a really, really, really white one.

952
00:46:17,566 --> 00:46:18,442
Come on!

953
00:46:19,735 --> 00:46:24,990
Hurry, hurry! She's running out of time
to have another baby! Everyone!"

954
00:46:25,783 --> 00:46:27,618
Just have to suck their old balls.

955
00:46:28,494 --> 00:46:31,121
This is why I get excited 
about becoming an older woman.

956
00:46:31,205 --> 00:46:32,915
That will be liberty in many ways.

957
00:46:32,998 --> 00:46:35,417
That's when I will finally be released
into a field and shot.

958
00:46:35,501 --> 00:46:36,543
I can't wait.

959
00:46:38,253 --> 00:46:40,172
[sighs] I absolutely can't wait.

960
00:46:40,255 --> 00:46:44,635
Too many things are about finding a man,
tricking a man, getting a man.

961
00:46:44,718 --> 00:46:47,471
I have been told,
"Oh, Katherine, what are you wearing?

962
00:46:47,554 --> 00:46:51,391
This elaborate fashion 
will be very confusing to a man."

963
00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:52,518
Is it?

964
00:46:52,601 --> 00:46:56,063
I did not come dressed as the laws 
of cricket. What you talking about?

965
00:46:57,731 --> 00:47:00,067
"Just simple silhouettes, 
Katherine, simple silhouettes."

966
00:47:00,150 --> 00:47:01,193
Even my nails.

967
00:47:01,276 --> 00:47:05,239
"Katherine, the only acceptable nail color
is ballet slipper.

968
00:47:05,322 --> 00:47:08,617
This color of nails 
will be very confusing to a man."

969
00:47:09,451 --> 00:47:10,953
Some of you are glad I brought it up.

970
00:47:11,036 --> 00:47:14,331
You were like, "She has two tennis rackets
holding a microphone."

971
00:47:14,414 --> 00:47:16,416
These are hands. I know it's confusing.

972
00:47:17,793 --> 00:47:19,920
Jane Fonda tweeted a photo

973
00:47:20,003 --> 00:47:22,256
after an awards, where in the morning,

974
00:47:22,339 --> 00:47:25,884
she was still wearing the gown
that she'd been in the night before.

975
00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:29,137
Because women get trapped in our clothes.

976
00:47:29,221 --> 00:47:31,223
That is how society is designed

977
00:47:31,306 --> 00:47:34,059
to make sure we land a man.

978
00:47:34,142 --> 00:47:36,937
And she stood there in a gown,
making eggs at nine a.m.,

979
00:47:37,020 --> 00:47:39,940
and said, "Sometimes I do wish 
I had a husband."

980
00:47:40,399 --> 00:47:42,609
Women's fashions are a beautiful prison.

981
00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:46,363
If Houdini wore Vivienne Westwood,
he would have drowned every time.

982
00:47:49,324 --> 00:47:51,034
[man laughs loudly]

983
00:47:52,077 --> 00:47:53,662
He was waiting for a Houdini joke.

984
00:47:53,745 --> 00:47:55,080
He just was waiting...

985
00:47:55,747 --> 00:47:56,957
He was like, "Finally.

986
00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:00,335
Finally, she's mentioning something edgy.

987
00:48:01,795 --> 00:48:02,921
Like Houdini."

988
00:48:04,798 --> 00:48:08,218
Times have changed. I'm glad. I'm peaceful
and positive that they're still changing.

989
00:48:08,302 --> 00:48:11,597
My grandmother would not 
have been allowed to buy a house,

990
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,765
carry a passport, or open a bank account

991
00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:15,767
without the signature of a man.

992
00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:17,769
And so, when I bought our house...

993
00:48:17,853 --> 00:48:20,689
By house, I mean home.
By home, I mean flat.

994
00:48:20,772 --> 00:48:22,441
It's very small, it's in London.

995
00:48:22,691 --> 00:48:24,860
It was such a momentous occasion.

996
00:48:24,943 --> 00:48:27,988
I didn't think I'd ever be able to have
that security with my child

997
00:48:28,071 --> 00:48:29,531
as a single mother.

998
00:48:29,615 --> 00:48:32,618
And I invited my family to see it,
and they're from Canada.

999
00:48:32,701 --> 00:48:33,994
And they arrived and they said,

1000
00:48:34,077 --> 00:48:36,914
"But, Katherine, it is so small.

1001
00:48:37,831 --> 00:48:41,001
[exaggerated sccent] This is the hoose 
that you bought with all your money?

1002
00:48:47,633 --> 00:48:52,220
Don't you know what size hoose you could
afford in your hometown for this money?"

1003
00:48:52,638 --> 00:48:54,890
"Yeah, but what room 
would I kill myself in?

1004
00:48:54,973 --> 00:48:56,391
Stop talking."

1005
00:48:57,601 --> 00:48:58,852
[chuckles]

1006
00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:01,647
"Why don't you talk like your family
anymore, Katherine?

1007
00:49:01,730 --> 00:49:03,607
Are you too good for your family?"

1008
00:49:03,690 --> 00:49:07,027
[scoffs] "Do the words Celebrity Storage 
Hunters mean anything to you?"

1009
00:49:08,445 --> 00:49:11,323
Yes, I'm too good for my family.
I'm very British now.

1010
00:49:11,406 --> 00:49:13,158
Um... My daughter is too good for me.

1011
00:49:13,241 --> 00:49:15,285
She is fancy. This is a fancy child.

1012
00:49:15,369 --> 00:49:18,372
We were on holiday, and she wanted 
to get out of the swimming pool.

1013
00:49:18,455 --> 00:49:19,998
I was on the side with my sister.

1014
00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:22,376
And I don't even know 
what she's saying half the time.

1015
00:49:22,459 --> 00:49:26,088
She called out, "Mummy, prepare my towel."

1016
00:49:32,260 --> 00:49:34,721
Means, "I'm ready 
to get out of the water."

1017
00:49:35,555 --> 00:49:37,683
I was like, "How do you prepare a towel?"

1018
00:49:38,725 --> 00:49:41,853
My sister Joanne's like,
"What's a towel?" I don't know.

1019
00:49:43,063 --> 00:49:45,524
I don't know. In my day, 
we didn't have towels.

1020
00:49:45,607 --> 00:49:47,651
You just shook yourself dry in the yard.

1021
00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:51,029
"Get out."

1022
00:49:52,197 --> 00:49:54,157
I was so proud of the flat.

1023
00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:57,494
And it's an old 
gothic church conversion in England.

1024
00:49:57,577 --> 00:50:01,123
We had to redo the whole thing 'cause
it was falling apart. They love old shit.

1025
00:50:01,206 --> 00:50:03,709
And I, uh... I chose, with my daughter,

1026
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:06,253
as a very healing, soothing ritual,

1027
00:50:06,336 --> 00:50:08,296
a space that was just ours.

1028
00:50:08,380 --> 00:50:10,674
Taking up space is very important.

1029
00:50:10,757 --> 00:50:12,592
We chose florals on florals,

1030
00:50:12,676 --> 00:50:14,428
dark Scandinavian florals,

1031
00:50:14,511 --> 00:50:16,722
rose gold brushed copper blush.

1032
00:50:16,805 --> 00:50:19,057
And I found a builder,
and I showed him my plans,

1033
00:50:19,141 --> 00:50:21,184
and in my house, he said,

1034
00:50:21,643 --> 00:50:24,271
[Eastern European accent]
"No, you cannot do this.

1035
00:50:24,354 --> 00:50:28,650
If you do this, 
no man will want to live here."

1036
00:50:29,276 --> 00:50:30,569
I was like... "Eh-heh.

1037
00:50:30,652 --> 00:50:32,654
Do you promise? Get it on the wall."

1038
00:50:34,740 --> 00:50:36,158
[cheering and applause]

1039
00:50:37,909 --> 00:50:40,746
The more he pushed against me,
the harder I pushed back.

1040
00:50:40,829 --> 00:50:45,208
He was like, "I don't think Golden Girls
tile mosaic is good idea for toilets."

1041
00:50:48,170 --> 00:50:49,588
"Get it on the wall."

1042
00:50:51,256 --> 00:50:53,300
And Violet's room is the glitter room.

1043
00:50:53,383 --> 00:50:55,052
And he didn't even want to call it that.

1044
00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:58,138
I mean, she wanted glitter carpet,
glitter wall, little glitter disco ball.

1045
00:50:58,221 --> 00:50:59,514
When I showed him that, he said,

1046
00:50:59,598 --> 00:51:02,142
"When will the decision maker be home?"

1047
00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:06,271
I was like,
"She's at school for two more hours.

1048
00:51:09,524 --> 00:51:12,944
So you better hurry up,
because that girl is mean to staff.

1049
00:51:16,031 --> 00:51:18,950
She will call Home Office on us both." 
[lauighs] Um...

1050
00:51:19,993 --> 00:51:22,913
And he wouldn't call it the glitter room.
He was like, "The second bedroom."

1051
00:51:22,996 --> 00:51:26,124
I was like, "No, I need you to say it."
He didn't wanna say it.

1052
00:51:26,500 --> 00:51:27,709
And this is the thing.

1053
00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:29,586
I don't dislike men.

1054
00:51:29,669 --> 00:51:33,632
I dislike the toxic masculinity
that holds a lot of men back.

1055
00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:35,467
Feminism is good for you.

1056
00:51:35,550 --> 00:51:37,761
We want you to be earning money.
We want to earn money.

1057
00:51:37,844 --> 00:51:40,055
We want everyone to be the same 
so that you can relax

1058
00:51:40,138 --> 00:51:41,890
and drink some day wine once in a while.

1059
00:51:42,682 --> 00:51:44,559
We want you to be yourselves.

1060
00:51:44,935 --> 00:51:46,686
This poor man was so repressed.

1061
00:51:46,770 --> 00:51:49,022
I said, "Just say glitter room,
just say the word.

1062
00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:52,192
Nothing bad's gonna happen to you."
And he was like... "Ahem. Ugh."

1063
00:51:52,651 --> 00:51:54,861
"Glitter room." [laughs]

1064
00:51:54,945 --> 00:51:56,738
"Yeah, down the hall from where?"

1065
00:51:56,822 --> 00:52:00,534
He's like, "The piano nook."
I was like, "Say it." He was like, "Ugh."

1066
00:52:00,617 --> 00:52:03,286
"The Anna Kendrick Memorial Music Hall."

1067
00:52:05,413 --> 00:52:06,289
[woman] Yes!

1068
00:52:06,414 --> 00:52:07,791
[cheering and applause]

1069
00:52:10,502 --> 00:52:13,421
And he had a little bit of a lightness
to his step all of a sudden.

1070
00:52:13,505 --> 00:52:16,842
He's like, "I will be back on Wednesday."
I was like, "What do we do Wednesday?"

1071
00:52:16,925 --> 00:52:19,636
He's all, "We wear pink on Wednesday."

1072
00:52:23,056 --> 00:52:24,432
Yes!

1073
00:52:24,516 --> 00:52:26,226
My gift to you, sir.

1074
00:52:27,269 --> 00:52:30,188
Violet loves Anna Kendrick.
Do you like Anna Kendrick too?

1075
00:52:30,272 --> 00:52:31,731
-[loud cheering]
-Oh, my gosh.

1076
00:52:31,815 --> 00:52:33,733
She's such a wonderful role model 
for children.

1077
00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:37,237
She's really funny online, she's a great 
actress, great singer, multi-talented.

1078
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:38,655
Really spicy.

1079
00:52:38,738 --> 00:52:42,075
And when Violet told me 
that was her first celebrity crush,

1080
00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:45,495
I was very happy to, like, take her 
to all the movies and all the stuff.

1081
00:52:45,579 --> 00:52:47,414
And then one day she says to me, 
"Mummy, Mummy!

1082
00:52:47,497 --> 00:52:49,249
Anna Kendrick's going to be in London.

1083
00:52:49,332 --> 00:52:51,001
Please, can I meet Anna Kendrick?"

1084
00:52:51,084 --> 00:52:52,460
And I was like, "No."

1085
00:52:53,962 --> 00:52:55,589
She says, "Why not? You're on television."

1086
00:52:55,672 --> 00:52:58,466
I was like, "Yeah, I can get you 
in the audience of Bake Off.

1087
00:52:58,550 --> 00:52:59,718
That's about it."

1088
00:53:01,344 --> 00:53:03,346
She says,
"Please, will you just ask someone?"

1089
00:53:03,430 --> 00:53:07,184
So I spoke to my manager, who as it turns
out, knows Anna Kendrick's manager.

1090
00:53:07,267 --> 00:53:10,228
And he said, "Okay, I cannot 
promise you a meeting,

1091
00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:13,356
but I'll tell you where they're doing 
the press day for the movie.

1092
00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:16,026
If you go to the London hotel,
you might catch a glimpse of her.

1093
00:53:16,109 --> 00:53:19,946
But if you do,
the child has to remain calm.

1094
00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:22,949
They've been traveling a lot,
they don't want a fuss."

1095
00:53:23,033 --> 00:53:25,702
I said, "Don't worry,
this child's very fancy."

1096
00:53:26,453 --> 00:53:27,370
And so...

1097
00:53:27,829 --> 00:53:31,499
we went to the hotel,
and I got us spy outfits,

1098
00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:34,211
little spy hats,
little magnifying glasses.

1099
00:53:34,294 --> 00:53:36,254
Oh, yeah, to stalk the woman.

1100
00:53:37,839 --> 00:53:40,091
No, just because I knew 
we probably weren't gonna meet her

1101
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:41,301
and I wanted to make it fun.

1102
00:53:41,384 --> 00:53:43,553
If I'm running out of time to do anything,

1103
00:53:43,637 --> 00:53:46,681
it's to hang out with my child 
while she still thinks I'm cool.

1104
00:53:46,765 --> 00:53:48,767
And we went down 
to the dinner in the hotel,

1105
00:53:48,850 --> 00:53:50,602
and we said,
"Oh, is Anna Kendrick at dinner?"

1106
00:53:50,685 --> 00:53:52,687
She wasn't at dinner, 
but we took lots of spy notes.

1107
00:53:52,771 --> 00:53:55,523
"That lady has an American accent.
Maybe she knows Anna Kendrick.

1108
00:53:55,607 --> 00:53:57,108
That man's eating fish and chips."

1109
00:53:57,192 --> 00:54:01,029
We stayed up very late in the hotel bar.
Mummy had many, many night wines.

1110
00:54:01,112 --> 00:54:02,322
Anna Kendrick...

1111
00:54:03,448 --> 00:54:04,908
was not in the bar.

1112
00:54:04,991 --> 00:54:06,660
And Violet fell into bed about midnight.

1113
00:54:06,743 --> 00:54:08,787
Up straight again, six a.m.,
down for breakfast.

1114
00:54:08,870 --> 00:54:11,748
Anna Kendrick wasn't at breakfast.
We have the spy outfits on again.

1115
00:54:11,831 --> 00:54:14,167
And then we sat outside
where the press junket was happening,

1116
00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:16,544
hoping we might catch a glimpse 
of her on the way in.

1117
00:54:16,628 --> 00:54:18,922
But they must've snuck around back.
We didn't see her.

1118
00:54:19,005 --> 00:54:22,425
And I thought, "Oh, we had a really good 
time anyway. This is character building.

1119
00:54:22,509 --> 00:54:25,679
You know what, Violet?
You don't always get what you want."

1120
00:54:25,762 --> 00:54:29,182
And then I heard the clickety-clack 
of her heels

1121
00:54:29,266 --> 00:54:31,768
coming down the hallway towards my child.

1122
00:54:31,851 --> 00:54:34,729
And she looked her in the face
and said, "Hi.

1123
00:54:34,813 --> 00:54:36,898
You must be Violet."

1124
00:54:37,482 --> 00:54:40,026
And I burst into tears.
I was like, "Oh, my God!"

1125
00:54:41,528 --> 00:54:44,698
Oh, my God, she loves you so much!
She loves you so much!

1126
00:54:45,532 --> 00:54:47,367
Like, I'm really sorry
about the spy outfits.

1127
00:54:47,450 --> 00:54:49,911
Like, it's just a joke. I'm so sorry!"

1128
00:54:51,121 --> 00:54:54,124
Violet's like, "Oh, ignore my mummy.
She's Canadian. Er..."

1129
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:01,464
I totally lost it.
I was just so pleased for her.

1130
00:55:01,548 --> 00:55:04,342
Anna Kendrick handled it well.
She was so polite, chatted to Violet.

1131
00:55:04,426 --> 00:55:07,721
They took a photo which now hangs 
in the glitter room. And... [chuckles]

1132
00:55:07,804 --> 00:55:10,432
Afterwards, I got a stern telling off 
from my manager.

1133
00:55:10,515 --> 00:55:13,601
He was like, "Hey, Katherine,
what the fuck was that?" I was like...

1134
00:55:15,061 --> 00:55:17,105
I did not know that I had those emotions.

1135
00:55:18,231 --> 00:55:22,652
But I'd been traveling a lot, and, uh,
we were in LA only four days later.

1136
00:55:22,736 --> 00:55:25,238
And Violet was with me,
and we went to a coffee shop.

1137
00:55:25,322 --> 00:55:26,990
And into the coffee shop

1138
00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:29,409
walks Anna fucking Kendrick.

1139
00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:34,873
And I thought, "No! I can't be done 
for international stalking."

1140
00:55:37,584 --> 00:55:40,503
So as soon as I saw her,
I made my daughter face the wall.

1141
00:55:41,129 --> 00:55:44,007
She says, "What's going on, Mummy?"
I said, "Anna Kendrick just walked in."

1142
00:55:44,090 --> 00:55:47,344
She said, "Please, Mommy, please 
can I say hello? I feel we had a rapport."

1143
00:55:47,427 --> 00:55:49,554
I had to Google "rapport."  I'm like, "No.

1144
00:55:51,598 --> 00:55:54,684
Nope. You're gonna face the wall 
until she leaves."

1145
00:55:55,018 --> 00:55:57,312
And so we're in the corner 
of the coffee shop,

1146
00:55:57,395 --> 00:55:59,981
and the barista comes over
with one of those little Frappuccinos

1147
00:56:00,065 --> 00:56:01,649
you're not supposed to let them get,

1148
00:56:01,733 --> 00:56:05,320
and he was like, "Violet? Violet? Violet?"

1149
00:56:05,820 --> 00:56:07,447
We're still facing the wall.

1150
00:56:09,115 --> 00:56:12,660
Until I could feel the entire coffee shop
looking at us,

1151
00:56:12,744 --> 00:56:14,496
including Anna Kendrick.

1152
00:56:14,579 --> 00:56:17,123
And I thought, "Well, I have a second 
chance now to redeem myself,

1153
00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:18,666
just play it cool, play it cool."

1154
00:56:18,750 --> 00:56:22,379
And I spun around and I said,
"Anna Kendrick, we're not here for you."

1155
00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:24,297
I took the drink and we left.

1156
00:56:24,381 --> 00:56:25,882
[applause]

1157
00:56:26,841 --> 00:56:28,051
[whistling]

1158
00:56:30,136 --> 00:56:33,598
Not Anna Kendrick,  as it turns out. 
It was, uh... just...

1159
00:56:35,850 --> 00:56:38,019
You know, I really love men.

1160
00:56:38,103 --> 00:56:40,271
I think a lot of good men want to know

1161
00:56:40,355 --> 00:56:42,190
how they can make things better
for everyone.

1162
00:56:42,273 --> 00:56:44,984
And they ask me 
why the women are so upset.

1163
00:56:45,068 --> 00:56:46,111
They say, "Katherine, uh...

1164
00:56:46,945 --> 00:56:49,656
fill me in, what's angering the dames?

1165
00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:55,036
Why are the dames
so out of sorts these days?

1166
00:56:56,079 --> 00:56:58,957
And-- And who can we even 
hug at work anymore?"

1167
00:57:00,708 --> 00:57:02,293
And the answer is no one.

1168
00:57:03,670 --> 00:57:07,924
But if you do feel like, uh... making 
a sexual advance to someone at work,

1169
00:57:08,007 --> 00:57:09,843
make sure that it's your boss,

1170
00:57:09,926 --> 00:57:12,137
or, at the very least, an equal.

1171
00:57:12,220 --> 00:57:14,389
And definitely not the teenager

1172
00:57:14,472 --> 00:57:16,391
whose job it is to bring you coffee.

1173
00:57:16,724 --> 00:57:17,559
Uh...

1174
00:57:17,642 --> 00:57:20,186
just stop fucking
vulnerable women, basically.

1175
00:57:20,603 --> 00:57:22,564
Vulnerable. So, uh...

1176
00:57:22,647 --> 00:57:25,692
if you are standing in the way 
of her career progression,

1177
00:57:25,775 --> 00:57:28,027
or, uh, she is a child,

1178
00:57:28,111 --> 00:57:31,281
just vulnerable, any definition 
of vulnerable, don't fuck those women.

1179
00:57:31,698 --> 00:57:32,991
Oh, I know you want to.

1180
00:57:33,074 --> 00:57:34,117
Do not.

1181
00:57:35,994 --> 00:57:38,872
"Uh... What about my babysitter?"
No, do not...

1182
00:57:39,414 --> 00:57:42,584
This seems like a simple thing,
but it became very clear to me

1183
00:57:42,667 --> 00:57:45,712
at Christmas time
when I took myself out on a date

1184
00:57:45,795 --> 00:57:47,672
to see the incredible musical Hamilton.

1185
00:57:47,755 --> 00:57:48,631
Have you seen it?

1186
00:57:48,715 --> 00:57:50,216
[cheering]

1187
00:57:50,300 --> 00:57:51,509
Oh, my goodness, it's so great.

1188
00:57:51,593 --> 00:57:54,596
If you can't see the musical, download 
the soundtrack and listen to the songs.

1189
00:57:54,679 --> 00:57:56,931
It's such a beautiful story,
so beautifully told.

1190
00:57:57,015 --> 00:57:59,851
My daughter was with her father 
and I went all by myself,

1191
00:57:59,934 --> 00:58:01,102
Christmas Eve to see Hamilton.

1192
00:58:01,186 --> 00:58:03,855
I had not listened to the soundtrack.
I didn't know what it was about.

1193
00:58:03,938 --> 00:58:06,983
And I went to a garbage school,
so I didn't know about American history.

1194
00:58:07,901 --> 00:58:09,903
If you don't know 
who Alexander Hamilton is,

1195
00:58:09,986 --> 00:58:11,696
he's one of the founding fathers 
of America.

1196
00:58:11,779 --> 00:58:14,908
He created the justice system.
He wrote a lot of the Constitution.

1197
00:58:14,991 --> 00:58:18,745
He was a senior officer and a general
in the American Revolutionary War.

1198
00:58:18,828 --> 00:58:22,040
He made some incredible
evil political inroads...

1199
00:58:23,041 --> 00:58:26,085
even though he was an orphan 
and an immigrant.

1200
00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:30,089
And a lot of that was because
he chose a powerful wife.

1201
00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:33,968
His wife, Elizabeth Schuyler ,
was from a high-status family,

1202
00:58:34,052 --> 00:58:38,306
and you needed that back then because
America was very classist and racist.

1203
00:58:39,057 --> 00:58:42,101
It--It's difficult 
to imagine it that way now....

1204
00:58:44,103 --> 00:58:47,273
But transport yourselves back
to the 1700s...

1205
00:58:47,941 --> 00:58:50,360
and that's very much the way that it was.

1206
00:58:50,443 --> 00:58:51,861
And she was a great wife.

1207
00:58:51,945 --> 00:58:54,906
Not only was she high status,
from a powerful family,

1208
00:58:54,989 --> 00:58:57,325
she created the first orphanages 
in America.

1209
00:58:57,408 --> 00:59:01,037
She had so many of Hamilton's kids 
that they named two of them Philip.

1210
00:59:01,663 --> 00:59:03,122
That's a lot of kids.

1211
00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:06,376
She was the Jane of her time.

1212
00:59:09,587 --> 00:59:11,839
And then one day, she says, uh...

1213
00:59:11,923 --> 00:59:13,424
"Hamilton, I love you.

1214
00:59:13,508 --> 00:59:16,219
Let's take the children on holiday.
Come with us."

1215
00:59:16,302 --> 00:59:18,846
And he's like, "No, I'm too important."

1216
00:59:18,930 --> 00:59:22,600
And he sat alone in his house 
for about five seconds,

1217
00:59:22,684 --> 00:59:25,937
and in walks a very vulnerable, very young

1218
00:59:26,020 --> 00:59:28,982
disheveled girl off the street,
and she's like...

1219
00:59:29,065 --> 00:59:30,817
"Mmm!"

1220
00:59:30,900 --> 00:59:33,486
♪ I know that you are a man of honor ♪

1221
00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:35,780
♪ I'm so sorry to bother you at home ♪

1222
00:59:35,863 --> 00:59:38,366
-♪ But I don't know where to go ♪
-[cheering]

1223
00:59:38,449 --> 00:59:41,411
♪ And I came here all alone ♪

1224
00:59:41,494 --> 00:59:43,371
I'm like, "Oh, shit."

1225
00:59:44,289 --> 00:59:45,123
She goes...

1226
00:59:45,206 --> 00:59:47,208
♪ My husband's doin' me wrong ♪

1227
00:59:47,292 --> 00:59:50,378
♪ Beatin' me, cheatin' me
Mistreatin' me ♪

1228
00:59:50,461 --> 00:59:53,131
♪ Suddenly he's up and gone ♪

1229
00:59:53,214 --> 00:59:55,967
♪ I don't have the means to go on ♪

1230
00:59:56,050 --> 00:59:58,845
By "means," he hears cock, somehow.

1231
01:00:00,054 --> 01:00:03,099
And this powerful politician 
starts licking his lips, and he's like,

1232
01:00:03,182 --> 01:00:06,060
♪ Lord, show me how to say no to this ♪

1233
01:00:06,144 --> 01:00:09,272
♪ I don't know how to say no to this ♪

1234
01:00:10,607 --> 01:00:13,860
And I rose from my seat...

1235
01:00:14,902 --> 01:00:18,531
as though Hamilton 
was a Choose Your Own Adventure.

1236
01:00:22,118 --> 01:00:26,789
And I shouted at the actor 
portraying Alexander Hamilton.

1237
01:00:28,041 --> 01:00:30,710
I said, "Say no to what?
She didn't ask you anything!"

1238
01:00:32,503 --> 01:00:34,047
[cheering and applause]

1239
01:00:34,130 --> 01:00:35,298
[whistling]

1240
01:00:35,798 --> 01:00:36,758
No.

1241
01:00:37,383 --> 01:00:39,218
No, I had absolutely no support.

1242
01:00:40,053 --> 01:00:42,722
They were a very quiet,
very shocked British audience.

1243
01:00:43,556 --> 01:00:45,433
He was very professional, he carried on.

1244
01:00:45,850 --> 01:00:48,645
♪ Lord, show me how to say no to this ♪

1245
01:00:48,728 --> 01:00:51,230
♪ I don't know how to say no to this ♪

1246
01:00:51,314 --> 01:00:54,734
I carried on. "You said no 
to the British Empire though, didn't you?

1247
01:00:55,068 --> 01:00:58,988
That was easy, but when a child asks you
no questions, what are you gonna say?"

1248
01:01:00,823 --> 01:01:03,660
♪ Lord, show me how to say no to this ♪

1249
01:01:03,743 --> 01:01:06,496
♪ I don't know how to say no to this ♪

1250
01:01:06,829 --> 01:01:09,832
And then, he said the actual words.

1251
01:01:09,916 --> 01:01:13,086
♪ But, by God, she looks so helpless ♪

1252
01:01:13,169 --> 01:01:15,797
♪ And her body's sayin' hell, yes ♪

1253
01:01:15,880 --> 01:01:17,006
I was like, "Oh!"

1254
01:01:17,090 --> 01:01:20,593
♪ Her body is not saying that to you ♪

1255
01:01:22,845 --> 01:01:26,140
"Her body is saying,
'Hey, local representative,

1256
01:01:27,642 --> 01:01:31,396
I appear to have found myself
in a domestic abuse situation.

1257
01:01:32,897 --> 01:01:36,150
But I'm not currently allowed 
to vote or work or eat.'

1258
01:01:36,234 --> 01:01:39,904
So why don't you put your fucking 
dick away and help this lady?

1259
01:01:41,072 --> 01:01:42,490
Help this lady!"

1260
01:01:42,573 --> 01:01:44,367
[cheering and applause]

1261
01:01:48,496 --> 01:01:49,622
Wrong, no.

1262
01:01:49,706 --> 01:01:53,251
That's not the reaction that the very
British audience had that Christmas Eve.

1263
01:01:53,960 --> 01:01:55,670
Not even when I tried
to get the chant going.

1264
01:01:55,753 --> 01:01:57,130
Oh, I tried to get a chant going.

1265
01:01:57,213 --> 01:02:00,550
Put your fuckin' dick away! 
Put your fuckin' dick away!

1266
01:02:00,633 --> 01:02:02,635
Put your fuckin' dick away!

1267
01:02:02,927 --> 01:02:03,803
Nothin'.

1268
01:02:06,180 --> 01:02:07,056
[sighs]

1269
01:02:07,140 --> 01:02:09,016
So when I say I've seen Hamilton...

1270
01:02:09,726 --> 01:02:11,561
I've seen half of Hamilton.

1271
01:02:14,397 --> 01:02:17,483
It's fair enough. It's fair enough.
Uh, I don't know what went wrong.

1272
01:02:18,151 --> 01:02:21,112
I mean, I do know what went wrong.
I'd been drinking day wine in the night.

1273
01:02:21,195 --> 01:02:22,447
That's what went wrong.

1274
01:02:23,740 --> 01:02:25,241
You don't drink day wine in the night.

1275
01:02:25,324 --> 01:02:27,493
It's for the day.
That's why they call it day wine.

1276
01:02:27,952 --> 01:02:30,204
It's like feeding a gremlin 
after 12 o'clock.

1277
01:02:31,164 --> 01:02:34,834
Day wine is for lunch meetings 
and taking the edge off the school run.

1278
01:02:34,917 --> 01:02:38,087
Drink it in the dark,
and you'll be fighting founding fathers.

1279
01:02:40,757 --> 01:02:42,633
But I went home, and I loved it so much,

1280
01:02:42,717 --> 01:02:44,260
I listened to the entire soundtrack,

1281
01:02:44,343 --> 01:02:46,679
and I found out that he got caught.

1282
01:02:47,180 --> 01:02:49,724
This woman's husband found out,
she extorted Hamilton.

1283
01:02:49,807 --> 01:02:51,726
They told all the other politicians.

1284
01:02:51,809 --> 01:02:54,270
He lost his wife, he lost his work.

1285
01:02:54,353 --> 01:02:56,105
He was on track to become the president,

1286
01:02:56,189 --> 01:02:57,523
but he didn't get to.

1287
01:02:57,607 --> 01:02:59,025
Of course not.

1288
01:02:59,609 --> 01:03:01,611
You can't fuck vulnerable women

1289
01:03:01,694 --> 01:03:05,239
and become the President 
of the United States of America.

1290
01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:12,997
What a silly little goose.

1291
01:03:14,916 --> 01:03:17,293
He didn't get to be president. Um...

1292
01:03:18,252 --> 01:03:21,255
And I just feel...
You don't have to live your life like me.

1293
01:03:21,339 --> 01:03:25,343
It's just a different shape of a family
that I wish was not so stigmatized.

1294
01:03:25,843 --> 01:03:27,929
But, I mean, Melania Trump...

1295
01:03:28,012 --> 01:03:29,222
[groans]

1296
01:03:30,014 --> 01:03:33,601
That is an innocent gold digger 
caught up in a dangerous game.

1297
01:03:37,897 --> 01:03:40,107
That lifestyle is very dangerous.

1298
01:03:40,191 --> 01:03:42,109
She did not know 
he was gonna be the president.

1299
01:03:42,193 --> 01:03:45,321
She thought he'd be a regular businessman
and they could be divorced by now.

1300
01:03:45,404 --> 01:03:47,907
She'd be fucking one of J.Lo's 
backup dancers through season two

1301
01:03:47,990 --> 01:03:50,576
of her reality show, Melania Unchained.

1302
01:03:50,660 --> 01:03:52,411
[cheering and applause]

1303
01:03:54,664 --> 01:03:57,625
You need agency in your life,
and a bank account.

1304
01:03:58,167 --> 01:03:59,377
Where did she go wrong?

1305
01:03:59,877 --> 01:04:01,963
Well, she went too young. Didn't she?

1306
01:04:02,547 --> 01:04:03,840
Way too young.

1307
01:04:05,925 --> 01:04:07,051
This lady knows.

1308
01:04:08,177 --> 01:04:09,804
You go old.

1309
01:04:10,221 --> 01:04:12,014
Ooooooold.

1310
01:04:12,765 --> 01:04:16,227
If he's still eating solid food,
he is too young, do you understand?

1311
01:04:17,395 --> 01:04:19,647
You want him one line of coke 
and a vigorous hand job away

1312
01:04:19,730 --> 01:04:21,148
from you getting a summer house.

1313
01:04:24,318 --> 01:04:27,321
Oh. Oh, la la. Sacré bleu.

1314
01:04:28,030 --> 01:04:30,825
Perhaps Céline Dion 
had the right idea all along. [laughs]

1315
01:04:33,202 --> 01:04:35,413
Thank you so much for listening to me.
I'll see you soon.

1316
01:04:35,997 --> 01:04:37,039
Thank you.

1317
01:04:38,666 --> 01:04:40,668
[cheering and whistling]