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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Hawaii.
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Are you ready?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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give it up for Jo Koy!
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♪ Five, four, three, two, I let one go ♪
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♪ Bow, get the fuck though
I don't bluff, bro ♪
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♪ Aimin' at your head like a buffalo ♪
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♪ You a roughneck, I'm a cutthroat ♪
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♪ You're a tough guy
That's enough jokes ♪
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♪ Then the sun die
The night is young though ♪
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♪ The diamonds still shine ♪
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That's what I'm talking about.
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Yes!
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Had to bring it to Hawaii, baby.
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Aloha is real.
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If you're in a bad mood, just ,
shoot them with some Aloha.
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You guys are like Care Bears,
it just comes out of your chests.
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"Someone having a bad day?"
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Oh, shit.
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People in Hawaii brag about shit
that no one else brags about.
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That's real!
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'Cause you cher--
you cherish the things that you have.
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It's yours.
I love this, it's mine, brother.
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I had a guy walk up to me,
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he was like, "Hey, brother, you see my...
you see my brand new
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2003 Toyota Tacoma?
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Cherry, bro.
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Fucking cherry!
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Lifted, bro. Lifted.
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Lifted, 2003!
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Brand new, 2003.
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Toyota Tacoma."
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You don't care, you're laid back.
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You live in paradise.
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You don't have time... You're not uptight.
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You go out, "Good, we go out."
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Dress nice. "Okay, dress nice."
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Nice outfit, "Where's my slipper?
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Where's my slipper?"
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You guys will wear a slipper.
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"Slipper!"
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Always, "Slipper."
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"Slipper." Fucking brand new outfit,
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"Slipper."
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No one outside of Hawaii
knows what "slipper"...
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I'll tell you what "slipper" is.
It's fucking, look...
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-Look, "Slipper."
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"Slipper, slipper,
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slipper.
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Slipper, slipper, slipper, slipper."
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I don't even know why you wear it.
They're barely on your fucking foot.
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That's how you guys walk.
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"Slipper" at the front of your foot.
You're not even...
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It's not even on your foot.
You just, kick the slipper, step.
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Kick, step,
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kick slipper, step,
kick slipper, step, kick...
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You love the vowels. You guys love vowels.
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You don't care. A, the letter A.
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How many A's can you put
in one street name?
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How many A's? That's too many A's.
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That's why if anyone comes to Hawaii,
I'm talking to the world right now,
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if you come to Hawaii,
don't ask for directions.
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-All the streets sound the same.
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Ask for directions, they'll be like,
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"Oh, that's easy, brother.
This how you get there.
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You just go down Kaleakalakaka.
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Make a right turn on Laukaladakalakau.
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Left turn on Naukauaakala.
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And then a right turn on Ahaahahaha'aaa.
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Love everything about Hawaii.
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Can't get enough of it.
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I don't even listen to the music
and I love it.
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When I'm here,
I can't stop listening to it.
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Don't know any of the words. I don't care.
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I drive and I sing...
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You're clapping. I just made that song up.
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You guys don't even know
what the fuck I'm saying.
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All I did was the vowels...
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That hula is this shit!
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Hula is everything.
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That is the sexiest dance ever.
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All that shit they're doing now,
all the sexy dances they're doing,
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-they stole it from the hula.
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Hula... that shit is sexy.
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She talks to the man through dance.
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-That is sexy.
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She tells him what she wants
through dance.
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"You come see me...
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when the sun go down.
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You take me to dinner.
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If I like you...
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I give you pussy."
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Everybody, look at this.
Every culture. Every race.
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Every ethnicity is in here,
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hanging out, laughing.
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"Good time." They don't care,
"Good time, bro." They don't give a shit.
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And we look... I look out into the crowd,
you can't tell us apart. You can't!
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You know how many Mexicans my mom
walks up to and goes, "Filipino?"
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"Mexican!"
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"Sorry, sorry!
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Sorry, sorry."
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There's a way you can tell Asians apart
from other Asians.
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It's by their accent,
and only if they have accents.
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Out of all the Asians,
Koreans are the easiest,
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'cause when a Korean person talks,
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they sound like they've been
smoking weed all day.
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Like right before they talk to you...
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Koreans sound like Asian ghosts.
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My best friend growing up was Korean.
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I remember the first time
I went to his house,
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his dad yelled from upstairs.
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I thought the fucking house was haunted.
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-Swear to God, right when I walked in...
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-I was like, "What the fuck was that?"
-
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"Ah, it's my dad. He just wants to know
if you're hungry."
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You can do that with any Asian.
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Vietnamese.
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What? I haven't even done anything yet.
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Vietnamese, I love Vietnamese people.
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-You're my... I love you.
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You're the smallest of the Asians.
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You're smaller,
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but I will tell you this,
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don't fuck with Vietnamese people.
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They will fight anybody.
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Those little fuckers will fight any...
They don't give a shit.
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I don't care how strong you are,
they will fight you.
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-They will run up to you and say shit.
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That's their little feet.
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I had one run up to me
at the end of the show.
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"Hey dude,
what you say to me like that, dude?"
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-They talk...
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They talk...
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They talk real fast...
You know they talk that fast.
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They talk like this, real fast, like,
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"Dude, what you say to me
like that, dude?"
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-They talk real fast like that, dude.
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Koreans sound like they've been
smoking weed all day.
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Vietnamese people sound like they've been
doing cocaine their whole life.
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"Hey dude, what you say to me
like that, dude?
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Don't you talk to me like that, dude.
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What you say to me like that?"
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Vietnamese people put a period
after every word that come out.
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"Hey. Dude. What. You. Say. To. Me.
Like. That. Dude?"
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Vietnamese people go real high.
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They go real high, like that, dude.
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They go down low, like that.
They start low, like that, dude.
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Then they'll go real high
like that, dude.
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Vietnamese people sound like
they're in a car far away
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and they drive by you real fast
when they're talking to you.
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Like, "Hey dude, what you say to me
like that, dude? Don't say that!"
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Man, say that shit again, man.
Get out the car and say that shit.
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-Japanese.
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What?
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Japanese, only if they have accents
you can tell us apart.
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Japanese,
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very distinct.
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When a Japanese man talks...
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it come from diaphragm.
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This where Japanese man purr.
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Huh!
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Hi!
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Japanese!
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Japanese woman,
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doesn't matter if she's 12 years old,
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or 75 years old,
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they always sound 12 years old.
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Let's go!
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Okay!
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That's why no one watches Japanese porn.
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No one watches Japanese porn.
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You know how annoying
that shit is to watch?
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All right, let's go!
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Oh-oh, keep going!
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Uh-oh, in my eye!
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Ooh!
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Ooh!
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Ever since my last Netflix special,
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I've been getting a lot of Mexicans
coming to my shows.
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-A lot of Mexicans come to my shows now.
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And they always come up to me
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and say the same shit
at the end of my show.
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They always go, "Hey fucker."
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Sorry.
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It's so racist. I don't know why.
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I don't know why... "Hey fucker." Why...
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00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:13,714
Why when I impersonate a Mexican guy,
I always gotta sound like...
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I always gotta sound like
I'm falling off a cliff.
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00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,260
It's so fucked up.
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It's a horrible impersonation,
but that's what they sound like.
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00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,644
They always sound like
they're falling off the cliff.
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The longer the sentence,
the further the fall.
195
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,865
Mexicans always come up to me
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00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:42,618
and say the same thing
at the end of my shows, all the time.
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00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,079
They're like,
"Hey, your mom's just like my mom.
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00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:48,374
Everything your mom does, my mom does."
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00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:50,292
What'd I say?
200
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:53,003
"Everything..."
You look like a cholo, I swear to God.
201
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:55,715
-Its scaring the shit out of me.
202
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,220
I'm trying to do this joke,
but this guy's like,
203
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,430
"Say it right, fucker.
204
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:05,891
"Say it right, fucker. Don't..."
205
00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:11,564
You know how hard is it to be funny
when a cholo's looking at me like this?
206
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,069
What's your name, bro?
207
00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:18,571
-Jason.
-Jason?
208
00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:20,865
-Are you Filipino or Mexican?
-I'm Filipino.
209
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:22,283
He's fucking Filipino!
210
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,452
-Goddammit.
211
00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:26,370
See what the fuck I'm talking about?
212
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:33,002
-You look like my brother, man.
213
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:34,795
Jason?
214
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,673
See, this is what I want everyone
to know, man.
215
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,968
There's a reason why
Mexicans and Filipinos look a like.
216
00:12:41,051 --> 00:12:43,763
There's a reason why
Mexicans and Filipinos relate.
217
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,890
It's a lot deeper than Vicks VapoRub.
218
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:50,728
That's not the only common bond we have.
219
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,980
I don't want you to come up to me
at the end of the show,
220
00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:55,149
"Hey, my mom use Vick's VapoRub too.
That's so crazy."
221
00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:56,859
-No, it's not.
222
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,319
There's a reason why.
223
00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:01,071
There's a reason why we relate
on so many other levels.
224
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:05,201
Spain conquered the Philippines
for over 350 years.
225
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:06,702
That's real shit.
226
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,537
You guys bred with us.
227
00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:11,999
We're the first hybrid race.
228
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,501
That's what Filipinos are:
229
00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:14,710
Spanish, Asian.
230
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:15,711
Filipino.
231
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:21,008
That's what we are.
232
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,345
It's a bad thing what happened,
but it's also a good thing.
233
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,430
We got a lot of their traits,
a lot of their culture.
234
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,015
Know what I'm saying? We look like 'em.
235
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:30,392
Look at us.
We're two hour flight from Japan.
236
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,395
We are in the heart of Asia,
that's where for the Philippines sits.
237
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:37,233
But look at us,
we don't even have Asian last names.
238
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:40,611
Because they left
their fucking names there.
239
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:44,114
We don't have Asian names,
we have Latino last names.
240
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:45,825
Look at our fucking last names.
241
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,619
In my family alone,
De La Fuente, Santos, Gonzalez.
242
00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:50,454
We're fucking Mexicans!
243
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,961
We are the Mexicans of Asia.
244
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,840
That's... that's real talk.
245
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,342
Everything Mexicans do, Filipinos do.
246
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:04,468
Everything!
247
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,637
What do you guys have?
Quinceañera, debut.
248
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:09,598
We got that from them, right?
249
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,518
We celebrate the daughter
when she turns 15, right?
250
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,061
She's 15? Same shit!
251
00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,312
Throw a big ass party.
252
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,023
Mexicans do that shit all the time, right?
253
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:21,735
"You're 15, you're ready to be a woman,
mija, it's your quinceañera."
254
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:24,613
"Are you sure Papa? I'm only 15."
255
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:27,700
"Yes, I'm sure.
256
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:30,077
Your mother's only 30."
257
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,331
Okay, okay, okay, that was fucked up!
258
00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:36,917
That was fucked up.
But it's funny, come on.
259
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,843
-Is it fucked up? It's just a joke!
260
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:47,469
Fuck! Stop being sensitive.
261
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,888
Go fuck yourselves!
262
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,933
Stereotypes are funny for a reason,
'cause they're true.
263
00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:57,271
We all have stereotypes. Embrace it.
Fuck it. Laugh at it. Who gives a shit?
264
00:14:57,354 --> 00:15:00,524
Not all Filipinos are nurses,
but a lot of you motherfuckers are.
265
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,282
I don't know all these Filipinos in here,
but I know one thing,
266
00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:10,284
-we have the same uncle.
267
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,746
Every holiday,
he has to talk to everybody.
268
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,082
And we dread it,
'cause it takes forever to talk to him.
269
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:19,710
'Cause he doesn't even know
what he wants to say.
270
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,880
He always starts off every conversation
like this, "Ah...
271
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:25,424
You know, uh...
272
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:26,675
Josep, ah...
273
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,887
Remember the...
274
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,306
The...
275
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,683
Shit, the..."
276
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,314
Always, "Ah..."
277
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,691
I took...
278
00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:46,779
I took my uncle to the to the mall,
and we were in the food court.
279
00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,822
We're just sitting there,
he's just trying to talk.
280
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,658
And he's loud, so everyone's watching.
281
00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,451
That's the part
that embarrassed me the most,
282
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:55,746
'cause he's loud, and everyone's looking,
and he's like, "Ah...
283
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:59,541
Josep, you remember the...
284
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:01,710
that, uh...
285
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,295
one time you...
286
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,047
got me...
287
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,508
-the..."
-I'm like, "What? What are trying to say?"
288
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:09,343
"Hey, I'm trying to tell you. Wait!
289
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,597
Don't rush me, huh.
I'm trying to think and you're rushing...
290
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:14,890
Don't rush me, huh!
291
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,645
The... that one time you got me..."
292
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:22,648
Everyone's watching.
Everyone in the food court is looking.
293
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:23,732
"Ah...
294
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:26,110
that, ah, you got me a drink?
295
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,195
You got me that drink?"
296
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,947
"Yeah, I got you that drink.
What about it?"
297
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:32,574
"Yeah, and, uh, you come back,
it had that, uh...
298
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:33,617
that big straw?
299
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,703
-Remember, it has that big straw.
300
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,997
I look at it, go,
'Putang ina, that's a big straw!'
301
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,251
Remember that, you look at this big straw,
and then you got mad at me?"
302
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,337
-"Yeah, what about it?"
-"Yeah, you told me to just drink it.
303
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:48,048
-Remember? You told me, 'Just drink it.'"
304
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,258
"Yeah, what about it?"
305
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:51,844
-Everyone's watching. Everyone's watching.
306
00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:53,971
"Yes, so I start to drink like that,
307
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:55,764
and...
308
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,516
-I'm... I...
309
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:01,645
I'm drinking like that
and I start sucking on the straw...
310
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:05,774
And then, this, uh, black ball
starts shooting in my mouth...
311
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,152
-And I'm sucking.
312
00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:10,279
I'm sucking like that, and I'm... I'm...
313
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:11,613
Black balls are in my mouth
314
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,742
and I'm sucking and choking
on these black balls.
315
00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:18,328
I got mouth full of black balls,
and I'm choking, sucking..."
316
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:19,621
"Shut the fuck up!
317
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,334
Boba, it's fucking boba!"
318
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:29,840
"Oh, yeah, boba. I hate that shit."
319
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:37,181
That's why Filipinos
should only be nurses.
320
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,684
Just be nurses, don't be doctors.
321
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,103
Imagine my uncle a doctor,
322
00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:45,397
during surgery.
323
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,860
"Nurse, can I get the, uh...
324
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:52,571
the... oh shit.
325
00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:54,406
The... you know, that, uh...
326
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:55,824
you know, to cut the...
327
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:57,409
to cut, uh...
328
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,869
you know, the..."
329
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:01,413
The nurse is like, "Putang ina, what?
They all cut, what?
330
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:02,539
What do you need, doctor?"
331
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,708
"The... the shit... the...
332
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:05,876
the..."
333
00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:09,421
"He's dying, what the fuck do you need?
What? What?
334
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:10,380
Say it."
335
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,341
"The shit... the...
336
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:13,842
the..."
337
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:19,681
We are a stereotype.
338
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,726
Filipinos morph into a fucking stereotype.
339
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:26,313
I don't know what it is,
they just morph into a goddamn stereotype.
340
00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:29,566
I talked about that on my last special,
but look, look around you. They're here.
341
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:34,071
See, my mom's not here tonight,
but I look out, and fuck, there she is!
342
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,242
Short hair, glasses.
343
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:40,619
Purse on the lap.
344
00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:42,788
-Look, right there, there she is.
345
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:43,747
There she is.
346
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,749
Handkerchief, handkerchief.
347
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:48,669
Louis Vuitton purse.
348
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,004
Confused, "Where are we?
349
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,136
Where... where are we? What is this?"
350
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:01,974
I love us.
351
00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:05,144
They got to have that Louis Vuitton purse.
That's their purse.
352
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,730
You know how many Louis Vuitton purses
I bought my mom? So many.
353
00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:11,316
You know what she puts in it? Snacks.
354
00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:15,112
It's the most expensive lunch box
you'll ever see.
355
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,031
And they're not even good snacks.
356
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:22,119
All my friends, when I was a kid, man,
they would go to the mom,
357
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,203
"Mom, can I get a snack?"
358
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,581
And she'd pull out delicious snacks
out of her purse.
359
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:26,623
Doritos.
360
00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:28,250
Fun Size Snickers.
361
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:29,585
I run up to my mom...
362
00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:30,627
Shit!
363
00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:34,173
Her snacks were something she took
from a restaurant.
364
00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:42,097
Run up to my mom,
"Mom, can I get a snack?"
365
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,141
"Oh, here's some oyster crackers."
366
00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,898
Oyster crackers are made to absorb soup.
367
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,193
And she wants me to eat this
before I go to class.
368
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,694
"Put that in your stomach."
369
00:19:55,944 --> 00:19:57,362
I'd put it in my...
370
00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:01,283
-"Swallow it!"
371
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,832
That's my mom's hustle.
372
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,960
That's any mom's hustle, I swear to God.
373
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:15,339
And here's the thing, man,
it doesn't matter how much they make,
374
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,549
It doesn't matter.
They will get free shit.
375
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,052
"If it's there, get it."
376
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:22,721
My mom said that to me all the time,
"Get it.
377
00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:24,681
-Go back in there and get it."
378
00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:26,808
"Get what?"
379
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,061
"Just what... that... whatever that is.
380
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,942
Just get more, grab more.
381
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,862
Put it in the purse.
Put it in the purse. Go!
382
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:42,699
Get it, get extra."
383
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,159
She always said that, "Get extra.
384
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,620
Joseph, go back in there and get extra.
385
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:47,704
Get extra."
386
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:50,082
You know what "get extra" means? Steal!
387
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,417
Steal!
388
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,503
She wants her kid to fucking steal.
389
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:56,880
"Get extra."
390
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,716
I used to hate going to McDonald's.
391
00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:05,347
'Cause she'd always make me go back in,
"Go back in there and get extra napkins."
392
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,187
"Why?"
393
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:15,649
"Because we need extra
for the... the house.
394
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:19,778
Get extra, Joe. Go, go back in there."
395
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:21,780
"God, how many do you need?"
396
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:26,326
"Well, your birthday is coming up.
Go back in there."
397
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:27,619
-"Fuck!"
398
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,586
Stuffing my pocket with napkins.
399
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,880
I'm so mad, I'm looking at my mom.
400
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,466
She's out in the parking lot.
401
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,468
I'm crying.
402
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:45,595
She doesn't care.
403
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:47,431
"The other pocket! Fill it!"
404
00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:57,232
My son has no idea how that feels.
405
00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:58,900
He doesn't know.
406
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:00,235
I buy napkins.
407
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:04,072
I buy expensive napkins,
because I'm traumatized.
408
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,700
Stealing napkins my whole life.
409
00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:08,493
I don't want my son
to go through that shit.
410
00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:11,538
My son doesn't know
how embarrassing birthdays are.
411
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,415
My birthday sucked.
412
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:16,418
My mom was handing out slices of cake
to all the kids,
413
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:17,753
then she hand out napkins.
414
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:18,712
None of them match.
415
00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:21,340
"KFC, McDonald's, Taco Bell,
416
00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:23,300
Burger King, KFC,
417
00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:25,469
Cheesecake Factory, ooh that's a good one.
418
00:22:25,552 --> 00:22:28,305
That's... that's a lot thicker
than the other."
419
00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:33,935
These kids got a good though.
420
00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:36,980
Fifteen-year-old kid.
Man, my son has no idea.
421
00:22:37,230 --> 00:22:39,316
He has no idea how good he's got it.
422
00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:41,693
These fucking millennials, millennials!
423
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:45,280
Is that what they're called this year?
Millennial? Gen X? Millennial?
424
00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:47,157
Pussies!
425
00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:52,454
Is that what they're called, pussies?
They're pussies. All of them, pussies.
426
00:22:52,537 --> 00:22:55,791
If there's 15-year-olds in here,
you're fucking pussy, all of you.
427
00:22:57,834 --> 00:22:59,169
Fucking pus... Right?
428
00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:02,631
Am I my fucking right? They complain.
You can't... you can't yell at 'em.
429
00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:04,966
They'll... they'll say something.
You'll get in trouble.
430
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:08,178
They go, "Oh my God, my...
my mom yelled at me,
431
00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:11,348
and I'm so scared to go to the house,
432
00:23:11,431 --> 00:23:13,058
'cause my mom yelled at me."
433
00:23:13,141 --> 00:23:15,435
Man, go fuck yourself. Are you kidding me?
434
00:23:16,436 --> 00:23:18,605
You're scared to go home
'cause you're mom yelled at...
435
00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:20,899
That's all my mom did, was yell at me.
436
00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:23,944
That was the only language
my mom spoke, was yell.
437
00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:24,945
"Ha?
438
00:23:25,570 --> 00:23:27,280
-What?
439
00:23:27,364 --> 00:23:28,824
-Say it again!
440
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:29,908
Say it again!
441
00:23:30,075 --> 00:23:30,909
Say it!
442
00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:32,828
-What did you say, Joseph?
443
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,496
What did you say? Turn around.
444
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:35,497
Turn around, Joseph.
445
00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:42,421
That's the only language my mom talked.
446
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:43,755
Yell! "Ha?
447
00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:45,882
When? When did you do it?
448
00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:47,592
Where? Where did you go?
449
00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:49,261
Ha? What?
450
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:52,556
Did you lose your lunch box?"
451
00:23:52,639 --> 00:23:55,392
I remember when I lost my lunch box
one time, holy shit!
452
00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:57,978
That's how my mom disciplined.
453
00:23:58,061 --> 00:24:00,230
Through the...
She never, like, physically touched.
454
00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:03,150
She... she verbally attacked you.
That's when she went after you.
455
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:04,818
She'd break you down in words.
456
00:24:05,485 --> 00:24:06,570
Interrogation.
457
00:24:06,653 --> 00:24:08,947
-Two and a half hours of yelling.
458
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:09,865
"What?
459
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:11,908
Where...
where's your lunch box, Joseph?
460
00:24:11,992 --> 00:24:13,118
Where did you put it?"
461
00:24:13,201 --> 00:24:15,078
"I... I don't know!"
462
00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:19,249
"What do you mean 'you don't know'?
Where? Where did you go?
463
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,919
You go from house to school.
School to house.
464
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,713
Where the fuck did you lose it?
465
00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:30,719
What? You just take your lunch box,
put it anywhere, 'Oh, I don't know where.
466
00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:33,597
I don't know where anything is.
I don't know where.'
467
00:24:35,515 --> 00:24:37,142
Where's your lunch box, Joseph?
468
00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:38,268
Where?
469
00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:39,644
Where did you put it?"
470
00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:42,147
"I don't... I don't know!"
471
00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:45,567
Then she'll just repeat what I said
in a stupid voice.
472
00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:47,736
"I don't... I don't know!
473
00:24:54,242 --> 00:24:56,161
How do you not know, Joseph? How?"
474
00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:59,372
"I don't know, Mom,
what do you want me to say?"
475
00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:00,415
"Tell me where it is?"
476
00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:02,501
-"I don't..."
477
00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:03,502
Two hours of that.
478
00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:05,045
-"Where?"
-"I don't know."
479
00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:07,714
-"Ha?"
-"I don't..."
480
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,260
She wants me... she want me to have snot
481
00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:15,514
coming out of my mouth,
and then breathe it in at the same time.
482
00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,224
-That's when she's happy.
483
00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:19,059
That's what my mom knows she got me.
484
00:25:19,142 --> 00:25:20,393
I don't know where...
485
00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:30,612
That's when she walks up to me,
"Okay, okay, breathe, Joseph, breathe.
486
00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:33,240
-Breathe. My God."
487
00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:36,701
"Breathe, my God, Joseph.
Breathe, breathe. Breathe "
488
00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:40,455
"It's just a lunch box."
489
00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:48,755
Then she's gotta embarrass me.
490
00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:52,676
Then she's got to put my lunch
in a Tupperware container.
491
00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:54,803
That's how she embarrasses me.
She always says,
492
00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:57,722
"I'm going to put your lunch
in a Tupperware container."
493
00:25:57,806 --> 00:25:59,391
And then, I'd cry more, "Why?
494
00:26:00,475 --> 00:26:01,977
I don't want to go to school."
495
00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:03,645
"Why not?"
496
00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:08,483
"Because I don't want to go to school
with my lunch in one of your Tupperwares."
497
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:11,987
'Cause that shit's embarrassing.
498
00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:14,906
If I send my son to school
with the Tupperware container,
499
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:18,076
he goes to school with a clear bowl,
and it's got a blue lid,
500
00:26:18,159 --> 00:26:19,869
and it says Tupperware on the lid.
501
00:26:20,161 --> 00:26:22,497
My son would be proud
to go to school with that shit.
502
00:26:23,081 --> 00:26:24,457
My mom's Tupperware...
503
00:26:26,710 --> 00:26:28,753
usually an empty Cool Whip container...
504
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:37,345
Country Crock.
505
00:26:39,806 --> 00:26:43,727
One time, she put it in an empty
Neapolitan ice cream container.
506
00:26:44,394 --> 00:26:46,688
Had the red handles,
she put my homework and my lunch.
507
00:26:46,771 --> 00:26:49,024
It looked like a fucking briefcase,
like what the fu...
508
00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:59,117
Put my lunch in a Cool Whip container,
that shit is so embarrassing.
509
00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:03,580
Then she goes, "Grab a Sharpie
so I can write your name on the lid."
510
00:27:03,663 --> 00:27:04,539
Like...
511
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:07,375
Like someone else has
a Cool Whip container lunch box.
512
00:27:08,835 --> 00:27:12,297
"I'm pretty sure I'm the only one
with a Cool Whip container lunch box."
513
00:27:12,672 --> 00:27:13,715
"You never know, Joseph."
514
00:27:13,798 --> 00:27:14,716
"No, I know."
515
00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:21,640
I'm walking around the lunch room,
516
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:23,516
looking for a place to sit,
517
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,561
with my Cool Whip container lunch box.
518
00:27:27,937 --> 00:27:29,814
All the other kids are looking at me.
519
00:27:30,523 --> 00:27:31,650
"Whoa.
520
00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:35,820
Your mom's gonna let you eat Cool Whip?"
521
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,579
"I don't know what's inside it."
522
00:27:47,290 --> 00:27:49,167
I'm sitting down at the lunch table,
523
00:27:50,126 --> 00:27:52,170
with my Cool Whip container lunch box.
524
00:27:52,545 --> 00:27:55,298
All these other kids
are trading lunches in front of me,
525
00:27:55,674 --> 00:27:58,093
but no one wants to trade
for the mystery bucket.
526
00:28:00,845 --> 00:28:02,389
My mouth is watering,
527
00:28:02,722 --> 00:28:05,392
'cause you see all these
delicious trades going down.
528
00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:09,479
"I'll give you my turkey and cheddar
cheese sandwich,
529
00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:11,773
for that peanut butter and jelly."
530
00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:14,943
"I'll give you my chocolate chip cookies
531
00:28:15,026 --> 00:28:16,486
for those Pringles."
532
00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:19,572
"I'll give you my chocolate milk
533
00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:20,949
for that Gatorade."
534
00:28:22,033 --> 00:28:23,576
And I'm looking at all of 'em.
535
00:28:25,453 --> 00:28:27,122
"Does anyone want munggo?
536
00:28:34,295 --> 00:28:35,130
Munggo?
537
00:28:36,297 --> 00:28:37,173
Munggo?
538
00:28:38,341 --> 00:28:40,176
No munggo? It's so good, munggo?
539
00:28:41,386 --> 00:28:42,971
You get to keep the container."
540
00:28:47,016 --> 00:28:49,894
Some kid was like,
"What the fuck is munggo?"
541
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:54,023
I had to explain it to him.
542
00:28:55,024 --> 00:28:57,193
"It's these little round green beans.
543
00:28:58,194 --> 00:29:00,697
And it sits on top of a bed of rice.
544
00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:04,242
And if you dig deep enough,
you might find a shrimp or two."
545
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:09,122
Some other kid was like,
546
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:12,292
"What the fuck is that bag of sauce
next to it?"
547
00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:15,336
"Patis.
548
00:29:17,380 --> 00:29:19,215
Filipino fish sauce.
549
00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:23,011
It really accents the flavor
of the munggo.
550
00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:27,098
Don't spill it on your shirt,
you'll smell like pussy all day.
551
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,231
Here's the thing about my son, man.
552
00:29:35,815 --> 00:29:37,692
He doesn't know what a lunch box is.
553
00:29:37,984 --> 00:29:39,569
This kid has a debit card.
554
00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:42,113
I'm even embarrassed to say this.
555
00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:44,616
His school takes credit
and he has a debit card.
556
00:29:44,699 --> 00:29:45,825
It fucking sucks.
557
00:29:46,284 --> 00:29:48,495
Doesn't know the responsibility
of a lunch box,
558
00:29:48,578 --> 00:29:50,330
just goes to school and rings it up.
559
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:51,915
I still discipline him.
560
00:29:52,207 --> 00:29:53,374
I still get mad at him.
561
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:56,419
He called me on a Wednesday one time,
he was like, "Hey Dad,
562
00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:59,172
there's only, like, $0.40 left
on my debit card."
563
00:30:00,548 --> 00:30:02,008
And I was like, "Oh, my God.
564
00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:04,761
Go fuck yourself!
565
00:30:09,390 --> 00:30:12,143
The fuck did you eat on Monday, asshole,
filet mignon?
566
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:15,855
What, you're walking into the lunchroom
like a fucking nightclub?
567
00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:18,817
"Ah, chocolate milk's
on this motherfucker, let's go!"
568
00:30:21,110 --> 00:30:24,864
I know this is weird for me to even say,
but my son doesn't know what rice is,
569
00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:25,990
the way I knew rice...
570
00:30:26,074 --> 00:30:28,159
Rice was fucking everything to me.
571
00:30:28,618 --> 00:30:32,330
Rice was breakfast, rice was lunch,
rice for dinner.
572
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:35,166
And I know there's a lot of people going,
"Oh, Filipinos eat breakfast?"
573
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:36,459
Yes, we do.
574
00:30:36,543 --> 00:30:39,045
It's... it's just last night's dinner
with an egg.
575
00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:41,256
That's all that... that's all that is.
576
00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:46,344
And it's delicious.
577
00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:49,180
That's all we ate was rice.
578
00:30:49,973 --> 00:30:53,351
That's the key to a Asian household, rice.
579
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:57,355
That shit is always cooking.
There's always a pot of rice cooking.
580
00:30:57,730 --> 00:30:59,357
The rice cooker is always on.
581
00:30:59,858 --> 00:31:02,777
You could get locked in an Asian person's
house, and all the lights are off.
582
00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:05,029
-You can find the kitchen.
583
00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:07,365
Just look
for that little square red light.
584
00:31:08,741 --> 00:31:10,869
Now, there's the fucking rice,
right there.
585
00:31:13,913 --> 00:31:16,040
I sent my son to go get rice
the other day,
586
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:18,167
I go, "Joe, go grab a bag of rice."
587
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:19,502
And he ran down a couple aisles,
588
00:31:19,586 --> 00:31:21,880
and then he came back
with this little-ass bag of rice.
589
00:31:21,963 --> 00:31:23,882
-Was in his hand like that.
590
00:31:24,340 --> 00:31:27,176
And even though I knew that was
the bag of rice he was supposed to get,
591
00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:29,637
I started reflecting back
to when I was his age.
592
00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:31,806
The bag of rice I had to get...
593
00:31:32,599 --> 00:31:34,475
was a size of this fucking stool.
594
00:31:36,644 --> 00:31:38,396
That shit was twice my body weight.
595
00:31:38,479 --> 00:31:40,440
I had to drag that shit back to my mom.
596
00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:45,570
It was a big nylon bag,
597
00:31:46,237 --> 00:31:48,072
with Chinese writing on the front.
598
00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:50,617
Said 50 pounds at the bottom of it.
599
00:31:51,534 --> 00:31:54,871
My mom would sit that in the back
of the kitchen next to the trash.
600
00:31:55,496 --> 00:31:56,956
Top just ripped open.
601
00:31:57,749 --> 00:32:00,627
Inside that bag was a coffee mug
with a broken handle.
602
00:32:01,794 --> 00:32:03,463
She called that a measuring cup.
603
00:32:08,343 --> 00:32:10,136
She taught me how to make rice.
604
00:32:10,553 --> 00:32:13,222
I remember that day.
"I'm going to teach you how to make rice,
605
00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:15,767
and this is the only time
I'm going to teach you."
606
00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:17,352
-"Okay.
607
00:32:18,144 --> 00:32:19,270
How do I do it?"
608
00:32:19,854 --> 00:32:22,899
"You take a couple scoops of rice, Joseph,
put it in the pot,
609
00:32:23,650 --> 00:32:25,735
put water in the pot, squish it around.
610
00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:27,236
Clean the rice like that.
611
00:32:27,487 --> 00:32:30,615
If the water is cloudy, the rice is dirty,
pour that water out.
612
00:32:31,157 --> 00:32:33,409
Put more water in there. Squish it around.
613
00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:34,494
Squish it around.
614
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,289
If the water is still cloudy,
the rice is dirty, pour that water out.
615
00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:41,417
Continue the process, Joseph,
until the water is clear.
616
00:32:41,709 --> 00:32:44,462
When the water is clear, add water.
It's ready to cook."
617
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,048
"Well, then, how much water do I add?"
618
00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:50,385
"Just fill it to this line right here,
Joseph."
619
00:32:57,433 --> 00:33:00,144
This is how you cook perfect rice.
620
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,897
I want the world to know that right now.
621
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:06,359
This is an ancient fucking secret.
622
00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:10,655
Every Asian knows how to make rice,
and this is how you do it.
623
00:33:10,738 --> 00:33:14,367
You don't need a measuring cup,
and you don't need no fucking rice cooker.
624
00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:16,536
All you need is rice, a pot,
625
00:33:16,619 --> 00:33:18,413
and this fucking line right here.
626
00:33:27,213 --> 00:33:28,631
And I know there's people watching,
627
00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:30,633
"How do you do that?
That doesn't make any sense."
628
00:33:30,717 --> 00:33:31,926
Well, let me explain it to you.
629
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,470
Put as much rice as you want in any pot,
630
00:33:34,554 --> 00:33:36,097
then fill it up with water.
631
00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:37,140
"How much water, Joe?"
632
00:33:37,223 --> 00:33:40,393
Well, you touch the top of the rice
with this finger right here,
633
00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:43,938
and fill it up with water till it hits
that fucking line right there.
634
00:33:48,276 --> 00:33:49,277
Perfect rice.
635
00:33:52,113 --> 00:33:54,032
This kid's got it so good now.
636
00:33:54,657 --> 00:33:55,616
So good.
637
00:33:56,284 --> 00:33:58,828
Disciplining him is easier too, though,
I will say that.
638
00:33:58,911 --> 00:34:01,122
It is a lot easier to discipline my son.
639
00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:02,623
My mom had to be creative.
640
00:34:03,291 --> 00:34:04,625
With me, shit, it's easy.
641
00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:07,670
If my son fucks up, and this is anyone,
though, with a teenager,
642
00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:09,088
they fuck up, what do you do?
643
00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:10,298
Take their phone away.
644
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:12,175
That shit works.
645
00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:16,054
You don't have to verbally abuse 'em,
you don't have to physically touch 'em.
646
00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:18,181
Just take their fucking phone away.
647
00:34:18,347 --> 00:34:20,892
My son doesn't know what to do
when I take his phone away.
648
00:34:20,975 --> 00:34:23,603
My son physically breaks down
when I take his phone away.
649
00:34:24,604 --> 00:34:27,065
I'm like, "Give me that phone."
He's like, "Ah, Dad, ah.
650
00:34:34,530 --> 00:34:36,032
What do I do now, Dad?"
651
00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:39,619
He's never seen his hand before.
"What is this?
652
00:34:40,036 --> 00:34:40,870
Hello?"
653
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:48,127
My mom, when she disciplined, shit!
654
00:34:49,378 --> 00:34:51,547
Like I said, she never hit me,
but goddamn, man.
655
00:34:51,631 --> 00:34:53,466
I remember one time,
I was hiding in the closet,
656
00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:55,176
and she walked by and I scared her.
657
00:34:55,468 --> 00:34:56,636
Jumped out, "Ba!"
658
00:34:57,637 --> 00:34:59,680
-My mom got so... "Ah!"
659
00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:01,015
"You think that's funny?
660
00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:04,060
Jump out and scare me like that, ha?
661
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:06,312
Get back in that closet.
662
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:08,689
Get back in there. Sit there.
663
00:35:08,773 --> 00:35:11,442
You sit there till I tell you to come out.
Sit there."
664
00:35:17,740 --> 00:35:19,325
And I sat in that closet.
665
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,787
And then she forgot
I was in that fucking closet.
666
00:35:23,955 --> 00:35:26,207
She came back with laundry,
"Ha, what are you doing here?"
667
00:35:26,290 --> 00:35:27,583
"You told me to go here.
668
00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:32,672
I've been here all day."
669
00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:39,262
She didn't even apologize.
"Just go to your room, it's late now.
670
00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:43,933
Go to my room crying.
She didn't give a shit.
671
00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:47,270
Called her sister,
bragged about what she did.
672
00:35:48,312 --> 00:35:50,773
"You're not going to believe
what I did to Joseph.
673
00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:56,195
I put him in the closet.
674
00:35:58,406 --> 00:35:59,615
All day!
675
00:36:00,116 --> 00:36:01,325
All day, I swear to God.
676
00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:04,120
I was even walking around,
'Where the fuck is Joseph?'"
677
00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:07,665
My son, goddammit.
678
00:36:07,957 --> 00:36:10,626
He's 15. Here's the thing about
15-year-old boys, man.
679
00:36:11,127 --> 00:36:13,129
He thinks he's being slick and he's not.
680
00:36:14,630 --> 00:36:16,174
I keep telling him that, too.
681
00:36:16,382 --> 00:36:18,801
And that's the thing.
If you got boys, if you got a little boy,
682
00:36:18,885 --> 00:36:21,262
just be honest with 'em,
talk to 'em like dudes.
683
00:36:21,345 --> 00:36:24,223
I can't speak for girls. I'm just saying,
if you have a little teenage boy,
684
00:36:24,307 --> 00:36:26,559
talk to 'em like dudes,
they'll respect you more.
685
00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:29,187
I don't hide shit,
I don't candy coat shit.
686
00:36:29,270 --> 00:36:30,313
I let my son know.
687
00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:32,857
Like, "Joe, I know what you did in there."
688
00:36:37,403 --> 00:36:38,821
"What are you talking about, Dad?"
689
00:36:38,905 --> 00:36:40,364
"Well, I'm just saying, like,
690
00:36:40,656 --> 00:36:41,782
I was 15.
691
00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:44,619
And II know what you did in there.
692
00:36:45,453 --> 00:36:47,997
Like, all the creepy shit you're doing,
I did too.
693
00:36:49,081 --> 00:36:50,374
I was just better at it."
694
00:36:51,959 --> 00:36:54,754
"What are you talking about, Dad?"
"Joe, come on, man. I know what you...
695
00:36:54,837 --> 00:36:57,423
You were in the shower for 30 minutes,
man. I know what you did."
696
00:36:58,007 --> 00:37:00,927
"I didn't do... I just took a shower."
I'm like, "You didn't take a shower."
697
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:05,014
"How do you know I didn't take a shower?"
"Joe, you were in there for 30 minutes,
698
00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:06,682
and your hair is dry.
699
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,443
Bought you a big bottle
of Head and Shoulders and it's empty.
700
00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:22,615
But you still have dandruff.
I don't know how... what...
701
00:37:24,450 --> 00:37:27,370
But your dick always smells like mint.
It's just mint.
702
00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:29,372
Mint and zinc come from here.
703
00:37:33,834 --> 00:37:36,796
It's Head and Shoulders, Joe,
not Dick and Hand. That's it.
704
00:37:40,258 --> 00:37:42,218
It says Head and Shoulders!
705
00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:45,846
It doesn't say Dick and Hand, Joe.
It says Head and Shoulders.
706
00:37:48,724 --> 00:37:50,768
It's not slick. Come on, man.
707
00:37:51,018 --> 00:37:52,520
"All right, Dad. All right."
708
00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:55,564
That's how my son is now.
Now he's cool with it, "All right.
709
00:37:56,065 --> 00:37:56,899
All right.
710
00:37:57,984 --> 00:37:58,859
I promise.
711
00:37:59,485 --> 00:38:02,154
I'll be... I won't...
I'll make it so you don't know."
712
00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:06,158
Then he went to high-five me, "I promise."
713
00:38:06,242 --> 00:38:08,744
I'm like, "I'm not gonna
fucking shake your hand."
714
00:38:08,828 --> 00:38:11,539
-I'm not gonna touch the murder weapon.
715
00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:15,584
Good-looking kid, man.
716
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:19,547
He's got a full head of hair, man.
He's got a big afro, man.
717
00:38:20,131 --> 00:38:21,299
He's got dark skin.
718
00:38:21,966 --> 00:38:23,843
All right, he's got the darker skin.
719
00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:26,679
He's been going to a lot of the other
football games from other schools,
720
00:38:26,762 --> 00:38:28,723
and all the kids are asking him
if he's half-black.
721
00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:32,310
He even came up to me, like,
"Dad, a lot of kids think I'm half-black."
722
00:38:32,393 --> 00:38:34,312
I'm like, "All right, what'd you say?"
723
00:38:34,603 --> 00:38:36,230
He goes, "I've been saying yes."
724
00:38:41,277 --> 00:38:43,863
"Why would you say that?"
"I don't know, like, they don't know."
725
00:38:43,946 --> 00:38:46,198
"Well, how about when I come
pick you up or something,
726
00:38:46,282 --> 00:38:48,367
and they notice
that you're not half-black?"
727
00:38:48,451 --> 00:38:50,536
He's like, "Well, just don't pick me up."
728
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:57,835
And then he asked me
if he can get a DNA test,
729
00:38:58,336 --> 00:38:59,712
'cause he saw a commercial,
730
00:39:00,046 --> 00:39:03,007
and he's like "Hey, Dad,
let's get one of those DNA tests."
731
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:05,092
"Why do you want to get a DNA test?"
732
00:39:05,176 --> 00:39:08,012
"Let's just see,
maybe there's black in the family, Dad?
733
00:39:08,304 --> 00:39:12,141
Maybe a long...
maybe a long time ago, there...
734
00:39:12,224 --> 00:39:15,186
maybe a long time ago
there was someone black in our family,
735
00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:16,771
and it's catching up to me,
736
00:39:16,854 --> 00:39:18,147
Let's just see, it would be fun."
737
00:39:18,230 --> 00:39:20,107
I'm like, "Joe,
there's no black in the family."
738
00:39:20,191 --> 00:39:21,525
"You don't know. Let's just see."
739
00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:23,235
I'm like, "Joe, there's no black in the...
740
00:39:23,319 --> 00:39:26,781
Your aunt married a black guy,
but that doesn't help you at all."
741
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:31,786
"Come on, Dad.
742
00:39:32,453 --> 00:39:33,704
Just get it.
743
00:39:34,455 --> 00:39:36,957
Just get it. It'll be cool. Just get it."
744
00:39:38,834 --> 00:39:39,835
So I got it.
745
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:42,922
And we're gonna do it.
746
00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:45,883
And I hope, I don't know...
747
00:39:46,967 --> 00:39:48,844
I hope it comes back black.
I don't know...
748
00:39:49,845 --> 00:39:52,932
If the results come back black,
I'm just gonna be like, "Um...
749
00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:55,059
get the fuck out of my house.
750
00:39:56,644 --> 00:39:58,896
-Go find your real dad. Who the fuck...
751
00:39:59,438 --> 00:40:00,731
Who the fuck is this kid?
752
00:40:01,107 --> 00:40:03,192
Give me back that debit card,
motherfucker.
753
00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:09,824
He's constantly fucking with me.
754
00:40:10,074 --> 00:40:11,367
Always fucking with me.
755
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:13,661
-Oh, I'm sorry there's a wire.
756
00:40:13,744 --> 00:40:15,454
A black guy right here, I'm sorry.
757
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,375
-That's... no. What's your name, sir?
-Malcolm.
758
00:40:19,458 --> 00:40:22,336
Malcolm. Goddammit, couldn't get
any blacker than that, shit!
759
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:23,671
-Motherfucker!
760
00:40:25,714 --> 00:40:26,715
Shit.
761
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:27,967
Malcolm.
762
00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:32,263
Of course it is.
763
00:40:35,516 --> 00:40:37,810
-Is this... is this your lady?
-This is my wife.
764
00:40:37,893 --> 00:40:40,020
-And what are you? What's your ethnicity?
-I'm Filipino.
765
00:40:40,104 --> 00:40:42,314
-You're Filipino. See, this is what...
766
00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:45,317
This is what my son's parents
should look like, right here.
767
00:40:48,070 --> 00:40:49,447
My son's parents are here!
768
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:56,412
You think I'm joking?
Wait... wait till I bring 'em out.
769
00:40:56,495 --> 00:40:59,081
You're gonna be like,
"Oh fuck, that is our kid, shit!"
770
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,002
You know my son ran up to me one time...
771
00:41:03,085 --> 00:41:04,044
This is true story.
772
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:05,087
We were, uh...
773
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,131
I was, uh... I was in my room,
774
00:41:07,214 --> 00:41:09,133
and he ran up to me,
he always fucks with me.
775
00:41:09,216 --> 00:41:11,802
But he... 'Cause he's got such
a beautiful head of hair.
776
00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:14,054
Right? It's fucking beautiful, man.
777
00:41:14,138 --> 00:41:14,972
And, um...
778
00:41:15,055 --> 00:41:18,225
He looks like one of the Jacksons,
from the Five, like, "Hey!" Like...
779
00:41:22,521 --> 00:41:23,522
But...
780
00:41:23,856 --> 00:41:26,650
And it comes up to me, Malcolm,
and he goes...
781
00:41:27,902 --> 00:41:29,403
"Dad, when I get older,
782
00:41:30,237 --> 00:41:31,864
am I gonna be bald like you?"
783
00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:35,826
And that hurt me so bad.
784
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:39,205
Like, he doesn't understand
how hard that hurt.
785
00:41:39,288 --> 00:41:40,164
And I was like...
786
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:42,833
So I wanted to, like, let him know
that it hurt, but not with words,
787
00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:44,210
just by my tone.
788
00:41:44,293 --> 00:41:48,297
I was like, "You know what, Joe?
You get your hair from your mom's side.
789
00:41:49,298 --> 00:41:51,592
And on your mom's side,
everyone has a full head of hair.
790
00:41:51,675 --> 00:41:54,261
That's probably why you have so much hair.
So you have to be worried
791
00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:56,430
about being bald like your dad."
792
00:41:58,474 --> 00:42:00,476
And my son goes, "Sweet!
793
00:42:02,728 --> 00:42:03,729
Sweet!"
794
00:42:04,605 --> 00:42:07,691
And went into his fucking room
like an asshole.
795
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,528
And I was crushed.
796
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:13,197
I was like, "Man, fuck this kid, man."
797
00:42:16,325 --> 00:42:19,537
That's why any time he asks a question,
I have an opportunity to knock him down,
798
00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:21,789
I do it, Malcolm. Fuck him, man.
799
00:42:25,459 --> 00:42:27,253
He came up to me,
like, two weeks after that.
800
00:42:27,336 --> 00:42:29,255
And he was like, "Dad."
He was like all sad.
801
00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:31,674
"Dad, can I talk to you for a second,
802
00:42:31,757 --> 00:42:32,633
please
803
00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:34,718
and you promise you won't make a joke?"
804
00:42:38,597 --> 00:42:39,473
"Yeah.
805
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:41,267
I pr... I promise."
806
00:42:42,351 --> 00:42:44,937
"No, I'm serious, Dad.
Like, it's been bothering me,
807
00:42:45,020 --> 00:42:47,940
and I need to talk to you about this,
so please, no jokes."
808
00:42:48,023 --> 00:42:50,067
"All right, Joe, talk to me.
What's wrong?
809
00:42:50,401 --> 00:42:51,944
Why are you crying? What's wrong?"
810
00:42:52,027 --> 00:42:53,070
"Okay, um...
811
00:42:53,988 --> 00:42:55,990
Ah... I don't even know how to say this.
812
00:42:56,407 --> 00:42:57,241
Um...
813
00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:02,121
Okay, I've been growing my pubic hairs
for a couple years now..."
814
00:43:08,460 --> 00:43:10,504
"Joe, you gotta warn me about the topic.
815
00:43:12,965 --> 00:43:15,968
Like, you can't just come in hot
like that, man. You gotta...
816
00:43:16,051 --> 00:43:17,052
warn me, let me know.
817
00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:19,430
-I'm trying to eat lunch right now.
818
00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:21,807
-Now I got pubic hairs on my mind."
819
00:43:21,890 --> 00:43:23,892
"All right, come on, Dad.
You said you were gonna
820
00:43:23,976 --> 00:43:26,395
not joke around, I'm being serious.
Like, listen to me.
821
00:43:26,478 --> 00:43:29,690
I've been growing pubic hairs
for a while now, like for a couple years."
822
00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:32,067
"Yeah, you're a teenager,
that's what you're supposed to do.
823
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:34,570
You're supposed to grow your pubic hairs,
what's bothering you?
824
00:43:34,653 --> 00:43:36,030
Why is that making you mad?"
825
00:43:36,113 --> 00:43:37,072
"No, just listen to me."
826
00:43:37,156 --> 00:43:39,450
"Okay, I'm listening.
What? What's bothering you?"
827
00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:41,118
"Okay, well, I always thought,
828
00:43:41,201 --> 00:43:43,954
Dad, that once you start
to grow your pubic hairs,
829
00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:46,749
that... that the penis was supposed
to start growing."
830
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:51,587
"Yeah, and?"
831
00:43:53,589 --> 00:43:55,424
"My penis isn't growing, Dad!
832
00:43:57,426 --> 00:43:58,802
Just my pubic hairs.
833
00:43:59,928 --> 00:44:02,056
My penis is still the same size
from two years ago,
834
00:44:02,139 --> 00:44:03,849
but my pubic hairs are long, Dad.
835
00:44:04,350 --> 00:44:06,477
It just keeps growing.
I don't get it, Dad.
836
00:44:07,436 --> 00:44:08,270
Dad!
837
00:44:09,563 --> 00:44:10,397
Dad!
838
00:44:12,149 --> 00:44:12,983
Dad!"
839
00:44:14,026 --> 00:44:17,488
I didn't know what to do. I just got
on my phone like, "What the fuck?"
840
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:21,116
He's like, "What are you doing, Dad?"
841
00:44:22,576 --> 00:44:23,702
And I was like...
842
00:44:26,163 --> 00:44:28,082
"I'm canceling that DNA test."
843
00:44:38,717 --> 00:44:40,761
"Oh, my God, Dad.
844
00:44:41,428 --> 00:44:43,764
Does everything have to be a joke, Dad?
845
00:44:44,098 --> 00:44:45,849
Does everything have to be a joke?"
846
00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:50,312
And I was like,
"Well, you made fun of my hair.
847
00:44:51,730 --> 00:44:53,190
Now I'm making fun of yours."
848
00:44:56,068 --> 00:44:59,029
"Oh, my God, Dad. Come on.
849
00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:00,531
Seriously.
850
00:45:00,906 --> 00:45:02,700
I don't understand what's going on.
851
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,369
Dad, what's going on?
852
00:45:05,619 --> 00:45:06,995
What's supposed to happen?
853
00:45:07,079 --> 00:45:09,248
I've been waiting,
nothing's happening, Dad.
854
00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:10,708
Dad!
855
00:45:11,417 --> 00:45:12,710
Dad!" I just grabbed him.
856
00:45:13,794 --> 00:45:16,213
Grabbed him, I was like,
"Yo, stop. Stop fucking crying.
857
00:45:16,296 --> 00:45:17,631
-Stop!"
858
00:45:17,715 --> 00:45:20,551
"Well, tell me what I'm supposed to do.
I don't get it, Dad."
859
00:45:20,634 --> 00:45:23,470
"Well, stop crying, first of all."
"Well, then, tell me. What?"
860
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:25,055
I go, "Listen to me.
861
00:45:26,181 --> 00:45:27,516
Look at me. Listen to me."
862
00:45:28,142 --> 00:45:29,643
"Oh, my God, what, Dad?"
863
00:45:32,479 --> 00:45:33,605
"Unfortunately, Joe...
864
00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:38,694
That comes from your mom's side too."
865
00:45:51,081 --> 00:45:52,207
Okay, now...
866
00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:55,377
Now here's a fucked-up part
about the story.
867
00:45:57,463 --> 00:45:58,797
I lied to my son.
868
00:46:01,216 --> 00:46:03,177
He didn't get that from his mom's side.
869
00:46:04,970 --> 00:46:07,473
That's 100% my dick, 100%.
870
00:46:08,807 --> 00:46:10,392
I knew it was mine when he described it.
871
00:46:10,476 --> 00:46:12,811
I was like, "Oh, shit. That's mine.
I got the same...
872
00:46:13,228 --> 00:46:14,813
I got the same fucking thing."
873
00:46:17,733 --> 00:46:19,359
But I'm not gonna tell him that.
874
00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:21,862
I'm not gonna be like,
"Yeah, that's the family dick
875
00:46:21,945 --> 00:46:24,364
and I'm heading down to you."
Like no, fuck that!
876
00:46:26,366 --> 00:46:29,119
It's the dick I hand down
from generation to generation.
877
00:46:31,163 --> 00:46:32,581
I'm not gonna tell him that.
878
00:46:32,956 --> 00:46:34,333
That's the hand he was dealt.
879
00:46:34,416 --> 00:46:36,293
Now he has to play his own cards.
880
00:46:36,710 --> 00:46:38,587
I had a small dick and it worked.
881
00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:42,174
Worked for me, goddammit.
It'll work for him.
882
00:46:42,257 --> 00:46:45,010
Not gonna be sad about it.
He's gotta deal with it. Deal with it.
883
00:46:45,093 --> 00:46:48,472
I'd be sad if he walked up to me
and was like, "Dad, I don't have a dick."
884
00:46:48,555 --> 00:46:49,681
I'd be like, "Oh shit!
885
00:46:49,765 --> 00:46:51,767
- I'm so sorry.
886
00:46:53,143 --> 00:46:54,102
Oops!
887
00:46:56,230 --> 00:46:57,856
Maybe Malcolm isn't your dad."
888
00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:08,158
Fuck you, Malcolm,
you're laughing too hard at that shit.
889
00:47:08,242 --> 00:47:10,410
-Fuck you, man. See?
890
00:47:12,955 --> 00:47:15,541
Laughing hard at the big black dick joke.
891
00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:20,128
But then he got mad at the Malcolm joke,
"Oh, 'cause I'm black.
892
00:47:20,212 --> 00:47:21,797
Gotta have a name like Malcolm."
893
00:47:23,507 --> 00:47:27,010
Stereotypes are funny for a reason,
for that reason right there alone.
894
00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:29,805
That's a good stereotype, Malcolm,
and you know it.
895
00:47:30,430 --> 00:47:33,183
Your whole life, you've been blessed
with that stereotype.
896
00:47:34,226 --> 00:47:36,895
The big dick stereotype.
We don't know if you have a big dick,
897
00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:39,147
but none of us in here
wanna take that bet.
898
00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:50,117
We just assume Malcolm has a big dick,
'cause that's your stereotype.
899
00:47:50,617 --> 00:47:52,536
Just like you assume I'm good at math.
900
00:47:52,619 --> 00:47:53,704
Fuck you, Malcolm.
901
00:47:59,459 --> 00:48:02,045
But that's the fucked-up part.
That's the fucked-up part, Malcolm.
902
00:48:02,129 --> 00:48:05,465
You can't get mad when someone else
calls you out on another stereotype,
903
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:06,592
'cause it's just funny.
904
00:48:06,675 --> 00:48:09,011
We're just having fun, man.
So, don't get mad.
905
00:48:09,094 --> 00:48:12,180
If you're gonna take that stereotype,
you have to take 'em all, Malcolm.
906
00:48:12,264 --> 00:48:15,475
You have to take 'em all.
Don't be biased with your stereotypes.
907
00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:18,312
Don't get mad if someone walks up to you,
"Hey, you like chicken?"
908
00:48:18,395 --> 00:48:20,939
-"Why? 'Cause I'm black, motherfucker?"
909
00:48:21,023 --> 00:48:23,942
Black man's gotta like chicken
all the time, motherfucker?"
910
00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:27,237
"You got a big dick?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
911
00:48:40,334 --> 00:48:41,668
Unfortunately...
912
00:48:41,752 --> 00:48:42,961
Unfortunately...
913
00:48:44,379 --> 00:48:45,589
I don't have a big dick.
914
00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:47,716
And neither does my son.
915
00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:54,473
Oh, this is gonna suck for my son
when this goes out on Netflix.
916
00:48:55,807 --> 00:48:56,975
Goddammit.
917
00:48:58,518 --> 00:48:59,603
Fuck!
918
00:49:05,692 --> 00:49:07,653
He's gonna walk through
the hallways at his school,
919
00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,738
and everyone gonna be like this, "Whoa."
920
00:49:12,532 --> 00:49:14,201
"It was just a joke."
921
00:49:14,618 --> 00:49:15,953
No, it wasn't!
922
00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:19,122
That shit is real.
923
00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:22,084
So what?
924
00:49:22,626 --> 00:49:25,504
He has a small dick, and?
It doesn't matter.
925
00:49:26,296 --> 00:49:27,464
Small dick... fuck it.
926
00:49:27,547 --> 00:49:30,550
It'll work. It works. It fucking works.
927
00:49:31,677 --> 00:49:33,387
I'm gonna... You know what?
Here's the thing.
928
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:36,473
He's gonna go through his teenage years,
be insecure about his small dick.
929
00:49:36,556 --> 00:49:37,933
Then he'll go through his twenties,
930
00:49:38,016 --> 00:49:41,144
probably build-up some confidence,
I think. Then he'll get to his thirties.
931
00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:43,772
If he's not confident
about his small dick then,
932
00:49:43,855 --> 00:49:45,565
then I'll step in and talk to him.
933
00:49:47,442 --> 00:49:49,528
Then I'll walk up to him, like, "Hey man.
934
00:49:50,195 --> 00:49:51,071
Hey!
935
00:49:51,947 --> 00:49:53,907
Still mad about that small dick thing?"
936
00:49:56,243 --> 00:49:58,495
- "Yeah, Dad. It sucks."
937
00:49:58,578 --> 00:50:01,248
-That's my son, 30-year-old voice.
938
00:50:01,331 --> 00:50:03,250
-"Yeah, Dad. It sucks.
939
00:50:03,333 --> 00:50:05,460
I'm 30 years old,
I got a 15-year-old dick.
940
00:50:12,843 --> 00:50:15,137
Here, I'm gonna do it to this side,
"Yeah, I'm 30 years old,
941
00:50:15,220 --> 00:50:17,347
-I got a 15-year-old dick, Dad.
942
00:50:17,431 --> 00:50:18,432
What the fuck?"
943
00:50:20,142 --> 00:50:21,476
That's what I'll grab him.
944
00:50:21,601 --> 00:50:22,436
"Listen to me.
945
00:50:22,978 --> 00:50:24,104
All right? Listen to me."
946
00:50:24,187 --> 00:50:25,439
"What? What, Dad?
947
00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:27,941
What could you possibly tell me?"
948
00:50:29,943 --> 00:50:32,779
I'll just tell him,
"From the bottom my heart, look, Joe,
949
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:35,073
you got a small dick and...
950
00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:37,367
This is all you got to do.
951
00:50:39,619 --> 00:50:40,579
Fix your credit."
952
00:50:45,917 --> 00:50:47,419
And that's the truth, Malcolm.
953
00:50:50,505 --> 00:50:51,548
You ever want to live...
954
00:50:51,923 --> 00:50:54,760
If you ever wanna live
the big dick life, like Malcolm...
955
00:50:55,802 --> 00:50:57,721
-...fix your fucking credit.
956
00:50:58,013 --> 00:51:00,098
You got a small dick, fix your credit.
957
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,309
That's the truth. You got a small dick?
958
00:51:02,392 --> 00:51:04,603
Good credit make your dick grow
ten inches.
959
00:51:06,563 --> 00:51:07,689
That's the truth.
960
00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:11,985
And there's a lot of guys in here
that have a small dick, just like me.
961
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,737
You're just not laughing as hard.
962
00:51:15,530 --> 00:51:16,740
Trying to play it off.
963
00:51:17,949 --> 00:51:20,118
Try not to laugh,
like this part of the joke
964
00:51:20,202 --> 00:51:22,496
doesn't relate to you.
You're just looking at me like this.
965
00:51:27,334 --> 00:51:28,919
But the girl you came with his dying.
966
00:51:33,673 --> 00:51:35,092
"What are you laughing at?"
967
00:51:35,967 --> 00:51:37,344
"Fix your fucking credit."
968
00:51:43,642 --> 00:51:45,018
That's the truth.
969
00:51:45,102 --> 00:51:46,228
Fix your credit.
970
00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:47,938
Shit works, man.
971
00:51:48,688 --> 00:51:51,441
Look, it works for me.
I'm confident. I don't give a fuck.
972
00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:53,610
-I'm single and I got good credit.
973
00:51:53,693 --> 00:51:55,529
I'll tell every woman in here right now,
974
00:51:55,612 --> 00:51:57,823
I got a small dick!
975
00:51:59,199 --> 00:52:00,700
But I got good credit.
976
00:52:02,035 --> 00:52:03,829
Can a big dick buy you a house?
977
00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:06,623
This little motherfucker can!
978
00:52:15,298 --> 00:52:17,134
It's real talk.
979
00:52:17,801 --> 00:52:19,845
Everything you hear, Malcolm, I hear.
980
00:52:21,054 --> 00:52:23,181
You hear big dick shit? So do I.
981
00:52:24,224 --> 00:52:25,809
Women aren't like men, man.
982
00:52:26,309 --> 00:52:29,396
Women are different creatures, man.
When they love, they love.
983
00:52:29,813 --> 00:52:33,191
You take care of a woman,
you provide for a woman, you protect.
984
00:52:33,316 --> 00:52:34,151
Cherish.
985
00:52:34,234 --> 00:52:35,610
Honor. Love.
986
00:52:35,902 --> 00:52:38,155
Every... All that shit,
make her feel like a queen,
987
00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:39,906
watch what she does for your ego.
988
00:52:40,532 --> 00:52:42,701
-Watch what a woman does for your ego.
989
00:52:42,784 --> 00:52:44,828
'Cause she knows
that's what's important to a man,
990
00:52:44,911 --> 00:52:46,663
his fucking ego.
991
00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:48,582
And men love that shit.
992
00:52:49,249 --> 00:52:51,376
She'll say shit to you
that you know goddamn well
993
00:52:51,459 --> 00:52:53,044
she shouldn't be saying to you.
994
00:52:55,130 --> 00:52:57,924
She lies to you in bed,
and you take that lie.
995
00:52:58,008 --> 00:52:59,926
-You love that lie,
996
00:53:00,010 --> 00:53:01,428
'cause it makes you feel good.
997
00:53:01,511 --> 00:53:03,430
You never question her on that lie.
998
00:53:03,513 --> 00:53:05,932
-"Who the fuck are you talking to?"
999
00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:08,768
You love it when she says it,
you tell her to repeat it.
1000
00:53:09,811 --> 00:53:12,147
"Ha, oh my... ow!"
1001
00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:13,440
"Yeah, bitch, 'Ow!'
1002
00:53:13,982 --> 00:53:15,066
'Ow!' It hurts, huh?"
1003
00:53:15,150 --> 00:53:17,444
"Yeah! Oh, my God!"
1004
00:53:25,118 --> 00:53:27,996
Doesn't matter about the size.
Size doesn't... look at it.
1005
00:53:28,079 --> 00:53:30,832
See, it's small, she doesn't care.
She loves you.
1006
00:53:31,166 --> 00:53:32,334
She loves you.
1007
00:53:32,417 --> 00:53:35,045
What you doing, the physical act,
making love, she loves making love.
1008
00:53:35,128 --> 00:53:37,756
She doesn't care about the size,
"It's mine, mine.
1009
00:53:38,757 --> 00:53:40,759
Mine, mine. That's mine.
1010
00:53:41,426 --> 00:53:42,302
Mine. Muah.
1011
00:53:42,677 --> 00:53:45,513
I'm gonna sleep on it."
Muah.
1012
00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,772
So, stop trying to do big dick things.
1013
00:53:54,147 --> 00:53:55,440
Why do we do that?
1014
00:53:55,523 --> 00:53:57,234
Stop trying to do big dick things.
1015
00:53:57,317 --> 00:53:59,819
Stop trying to do shit
that Malcolm does naturally.
1016
00:53:59,903 --> 00:54:01,655
-Stop!
1017
00:54:01,738 --> 00:54:03,365
Just do you!
1018
00:54:03,698 --> 00:54:05,450
Do you! I do it all the time.
1019
00:54:05,533 --> 00:54:07,410
I'm in as far as I can go,
but what do I do?
1020
00:54:07,494 --> 00:54:09,829
I arch my back,
like more dick is gonna come out.
1021
00:54:09,913 --> 00:54:10,997
The fuck am I doing?
1022
00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:12,916
Like there's extra dick in my hip.
1023
00:54:12,999 --> 00:54:16,127
I just need to unlatch it.
"There it is, bitch. You feel that shit?"
1024
00:54:18,255 --> 00:54:20,548
Your balls are a natural stopper.
1025
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:22,634
Your balls tell you
when you're out of dick.
1026
00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:24,094
Your balls always tell you.
1027
00:54:24,177 --> 00:54:27,222
Your balls are like,
"That's all the dick. That's all the dick.
1028
00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:29,766
Just balls, Jo. Just balls."
1029
00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:36,189
Stop trying to do big dick things.
1030
00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:39,985
Stop. Stop doing this shit,
bringing it out and going back in.
1031
00:54:40,068 --> 00:54:41,152
What are you doing?
1032
00:54:41,528 --> 00:54:44,990
You have to have laser point accuracy
to get back in there.
1033
00:54:45,073 --> 00:54:45,991
Stop!
1034
00:54:46,449 --> 00:54:47,492
Stop!
1035
00:54:47,659 --> 00:54:48,910
Just leave it in there.
1036
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:50,161
Leave it in there.
1037
00:54:50,245 --> 00:54:51,538
Cram that pussy.
1038
00:54:51,621 --> 00:54:52,872
Cram the pussy.
1039
00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:54,749
Cram it. Fuck her up. Cram it.
1040
00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:55,917
Fucking cram.
1041
00:54:56,042 --> 00:54:57,085
Fucking cram.
1042
00:54:57,168 --> 00:54:58,336
Cram. Push the bitch.
1043
00:54:58,420 --> 00:54:59,254
Cram it.
1044
00:54:59,337 --> 00:55:00,839
"Where the fuck are we going?"
1045
00:55:00,922 --> 00:55:02,090
Fuck... fucking cram it.
1046
00:55:02,173 --> 00:55:03,800
"We're in the kitchen."
1047
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:13,768
Just be happy you've been invited
to the mansion party.
1048
00:55:15,186 --> 00:55:17,689
Just be happy you've been invited
to the mansion party.
1049
00:55:17,772 --> 00:55:19,107
That's her mansion.
1050
00:55:19,190 --> 00:55:21,401
Her 40-million-dollar mansion.
1051
00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:23,194
And she's throwing a party,
1052
00:55:23,278 --> 00:55:25,947
and there's only one person
on that guest list, you!
1053
00:55:26,990 --> 00:55:29,242
I'm getting teary-eyed
just thinking about it.
1054
00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:33,288
Forty-million-dollar mansion party
1055
00:55:33,371 --> 00:55:35,540
and she's got one person
on the guest list,
1056
00:55:35,623 --> 00:55:36,458
you.
1057
00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:38,501
That's fucking amazing.
1058
00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:44,382
Unfortunately, you can't go all the way
inside the mansion.
1059
00:55:48,178 --> 00:55:49,804
"It's a big place you got here."
1060
00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:54,267
But you can compliment the door frame.
1061
00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:58,396
-Jiggle the knob.
-
1062
00:55:58,480 --> 00:55:59,564
Jiggle the knob.
1063
00:55:59,647 --> 00:56:03,026
Look for the spare key.
It's in here, up here, and right there.
1064
00:56:03,109 --> 00:56:05,487
That's where the spare key is,
I swear to God.
1065
00:56:05,570 --> 00:56:06,571
Find that shit.
1066
00:56:08,698 --> 00:56:11,910
Malcolm's upstairs, "They got
a Jacuzzi up in this motherfucker."
1067
00:56:13,036 --> 00:56:14,120
Fuck you, Malcolm.
1068
00:56:24,714 --> 00:56:26,674
I'm just gonna tell my son the truth.
1069
00:56:27,217 --> 00:56:29,386
And be like, "Look Joe,
size doesn't matter.
1070
00:56:30,804 --> 00:56:32,180
Size doesn't matter."
1071
00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:34,641
It got quiet in here.
1072
00:56:36,267 --> 00:56:37,310
Does size matter?
1073
00:56:37,394 --> 00:56:38,728
- Yeah.
-Yeah?
1074
00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:41,314
Does size matter?
1075
00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:42,732
Yes!
1076
00:56:43,733 --> 00:56:44,609
Yeah?
1077
00:56:45,151 --> 00:56:45,985
Yes?
1078
00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:47,070
Yes!
1079
00:56:47,153 --> 00:56:48,154
One no!
1080
00:56:54,077 --> 00:56:54,994
I was right.
1081
00:56:57,247 --> 00:56:58,957
I'm gonna ask again, does size matter?
1082
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:00,458
- Yes!
- No.
1083
00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:02,293
Yes.
1084
00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:04,170
No, down here.
1085
00:57:04,254 --> 00:57:05,255
Yes, up there.
1086
00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:11,052
See what good credit will get you.
1087
00:57:20,770 --> 00:57:22,522
Good credit gets you downstairs.
1088
00:57:26,526 --> 00:57:27,694
Oh, shit.
1089
00:57:29,737 --> 00:57:32,657
Malcolm's got front row.
He got a big dick and good credit.
1090
00:57:32,740 --> 00:57:33,825
Motherfucker!
1091
00:57:34,117 --> 00:57:35,702
Motherfucker!
1092
00:57:38,163 --> 00:57:39,998
You sure you don't have a big pussy?
1093
00:57:43,835 --> 00:57:45,962
What? Is that fucked up?
1094
00:57:46,629 --> 00:57:49,382
Stop. I said I had a small dick. Stop.
1095
00:57:49,716 --> 00:57:52,719
Maybe that wasn't her yelling.
Maybe that was their big pussy like,
1096
00:57:52,802 --> 00:57:54,137
-"Yes!"
1097
00:57:54,220 --> 00:57:56,598
"Shut up, big pussy." "No, he's a liar."
1098
00:57:56,681 --> 00:57:58,725
"Shut up, big pussy." "No!"
1099
00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:04,814
If...
1100
00:58:04,898 --> 00:58:06,191
If size matters,
1101
00:58:06,274 --> 00:58:08,109
then why is the number-one sex toy
1102
00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:10,945
that's always sold out at the sex shop
that little, tiny...
1103
00:58:13,865 --> 00:58:16,951
Look, look at all the women.
1104
00:58:19,954 --> 00:58:21,331
The size of my dick, right there.
1105
00:58:25,919 --> 00:58:27,754
Every woman buys that fucking thing.
1106
00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:31,758
Not one woman goes in the sex shop
and goes, "I'll take this right here.
1107
00:58:34,093 --> 00:58:37,222
I wanna fuck something
and scratch my throat at the same time."
1108
00:58:41,142 --> 00:58:41,976
Every woman...
1109
00:58:51,819 --> 00:58:54,072
When you use it...
1110
00:58:58,993 --> 00:59:01,162
I love you, Hawaii.
Thank you so much, man.