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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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-["The Man" plays]
-♪ I got gas in the tank ♪
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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♪ I got money in the bank ♪
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♪ I got news for you, baby
You're looking at the man ♪
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Someone came up to me in the street
and said, "Are you Jimmy Carr,
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or do you just look like Jimmy Carr?"
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I said, "Both."
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[audience laughs]
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I've been described
as the hardest-working man in comedy,
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which is... not that impressive, is it?
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I mean, "the hardest-working man,"
that's good,
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but "in comedy" takes the shine
off that compliment.
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The hardest-working man in comedy.
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It's like being the best-looking guy
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in the burns unit.
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No offense to any burns victims
we have here.
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Are there any burns victims in?
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I mean, if there's one, there'll be loads.
They tend to stick together.
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[audience laughing]
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And we're off!
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[laughing, cheering]
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That's a very good reaction to that joke,
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because that joke is very much
a canary in the mine.
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That is there to test the air.
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If you're sat there thinking,
"That was funny,"
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you're in for a lovely evening.
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If you're thinking,
"That was a bit much, actually..."
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It's going to be
a fucking long night for you.
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[Jimmy chuckles]
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Do you know the average person
laughs out loud
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ten times a day?
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Not everyone, obviously.
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If you work in a hospice
or with learning disabled adults...
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it could be ten times that.
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Sky's the limit. Dare to dream.
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They say that laughter
is the best medicine.
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So maybe, just maybe,
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if we all keep
laughing at people in wheelchairs...
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[audience laughing, groaning]
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You look slightly concerned there, madam.
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Let me just take a moment to reassure you.
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During that last joke,
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no-one in a wheelchair
has ever walked out.
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Look, before we start properly,
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we should probably talk
about how PC works in comedy,
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because there are rules and regulations
that govern what I can
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and what I can't say up here on stage.
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So basically, how PC works in comedy is,
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if you're directly involved
or affected by something,
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you get a free pass.
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You're allowed to joke about that thing.
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So, for example, disabled people
could joke about disability.
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Homosexual people
could joke about being gay.
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Black or Asian people
could joke about race.
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Those are the rules.
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So these two pedophiles
walk into a park...
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[audience laughing]
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What?
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A lot of people don't think pedophiles
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should be allowed to live
anywhere near schools.
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But it does reduce their carbon footprint.
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If you're scared of pedophiles...
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grow up.
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Now, I don't want to offend anyone
here this evening with my language.
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I know certain people have got
certain words they just don't like.
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So to avoid causing offense
unnecessarily tonight,
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if I refer to a vagina at any point,
which I'm bound to do...
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You know the kind of comedian I am.
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But if I refer to a vagina at any point
this evening, I'll call it...
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What's the least offensive term?
Front bottom?
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No-one's offended
by the term "front bottom," are they?
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So, for this evening,
"front bottom" and "back cunt."
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Let's keep this classy, shall we?
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When Donald Trump first took to office,
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little did he know...
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Trump ran on wanting to build a wall.
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And I think that's his one good idea,
because walls work.
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It's irrefutable. Yeah.
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I was in China last year.
I didn't see one Mexican.
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When I was younger,
I couldn't talk to women,
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because I was hiding in their wardrobes
masturbating.
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It's very difficult
to get the first kiss right.
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You want to be firm, but gentle.
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You want to be manly,
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you don't want to wake her up.
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You've got to be very careful with jokes,
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especially gentlemen.
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Men get carried away with jokes.
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Men joke in inopportune situations.
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Men often joke in the bedroom.
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That's never a good idea.
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Yeah, it's quite funny to say to a girl
who's going down on you,
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"It's rude to talk with your mouth full."
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But it's even funnier if she says,
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"Well, it's not full."
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I had a friend that used to self-harm,
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because he was bullied.
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I used to think...
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"Whose side are you on?"
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If there's a fight,
I let my fists do the talking.
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"Please don't hurt me."
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[chuckles]
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If a giant ape and a table tennis
champion got into an argument
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over a karaoke machine in the Far East...
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would the newspaper headline be:
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"Hong Kong Ping Pong King Kong
Sing-Song Ding Dong"?
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That's quite a silly joke.
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I was trying to write the shortest joke
possible, so I wrote a four-word joke.
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Venison's dear, isn't it?
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Then a three-word joke.
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Stationery store moves.
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And then a blink and you'll miss it,
two-word joke.
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Dwarf shortage.
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I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs.
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Very little.
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Truth be told, I fucking love dwarfs,
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but I never tell them that I love them,
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because I don't want them
to get big-headed.
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I was in Brussels last year doing shows
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and something interesting happened
when I was in Brussels,
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which you don't get to say every day.
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They had a baby panda in Brussels Zoo.
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[audience] Aww.
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And they told you on the news
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how they make baby pandas.
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Yeah. It's not how you think.
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It's not a mommy panda
and a daddy panda fucking.
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Pandas are not down to fuck.
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They're sort of like the opposite
of girls from Dublin.
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There's a look of civic pride there
from some of the ladies.
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A look as if to say, "We do like the D."
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[chuckles]
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So if you want to have a baby panda,
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what you do
is you phone up the Chinese authorities.
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All pandas in the world are Chinese.
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They'll lend you a panda.
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They're not giving away their pandas.
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So you phone up the Chinese authorities,
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they send over a panda fertility expert.
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Here's where it gets interesting.
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This panda fertility expert
brings with him, in his luggage,
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a full-size, man-size,
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dress-up, zip-up panda outfit,
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replete with enormous panda head.
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Who knew?
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That's not his name.
I'm saying I did not know that.
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So he flies to Brussels,
he's got the outfit with him,
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he says hello to everyone
at Brussels Zoo,
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friendly enough, as well he might be,
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and then it's right down to business.
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He dresses up from head to toe
as a panda,
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pops on his big panda head,
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walks into Mr. Panda's enclosure
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dressed from head to toe as a panda
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and he, uh...
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He wanks off Mr. Panda.
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Dressed as a panda.
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So if anyone here's thinking,
"Oh, I've had a tough week at work..."
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Have you?
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Have you, though?
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Did you wank off a panda?
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No, you fucking didn't.
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So he wanks off a panda,
dressed as a panda.
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Incidentally, that is the day
to visit the zoo. Am I right?
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"Come here, kids.
You're not going to believe this.
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I don't think that one's
even a real panda."
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So he wanks off a panda,
dressed as a panda,
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they collect the panda semen...
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Obviously. Otherwise, what just happened?
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"Who was that bloke?"
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"I thought he was with you."
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"Shit, it's happened again."
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So they collect the panda semen
and then they wait.
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They wait until the female panda
is asleep in her enclosure.
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And then they creep into the female
panda's enclosure as she sleeps
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and they artificially inseminate
the female panda as she sleeps.
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I'm not sure who does that.
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I presume Bill Cosby.
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I bloody love show business.
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Every night after the show,
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I have attractive women
banging on my dressing room door,
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and sometimes...
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I let them out.
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Are you alright at the back?
How are the people up there?
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[audience whoops]
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Excellent news.
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Sometimes, if I see a show,
if I'm at the back of the room,
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I've got a weird fear of missing out.
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I feel like, "Are people having more fun
down here than we're having at the back?"
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But there's advantages
to sitting at the back,
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because you get
more of a sense of occasion,
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more of a sense of people coming together
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and sharing a sense of humor,
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that great music hall spirit.
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You get more of a sense of that
from the back of the room.
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And the other advantage
to sitting at the back
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is this sort of thing won't happen.
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I fucked your mum.
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That's not going to happen to any of you.
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I've got nothing but respect
for your mums.
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Hard-working, decent women.
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I still owe your mum 20 Euro.
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That's right. I paid for everyone.
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[chuckles]
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Sorry, I've been terribly rude there.
Sir, what's your name?
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-Shane.
-What do you do, Shane?
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I'm still in school.
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You're in school?
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How old are you, Shane?
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-Eighteen.
-You're 18?
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Okay, Shane.
And who are you here with, Shane?
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-My dad.
-Your dad?
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No.
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No, Shane.
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You're with the man you think is your dad.
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Could be any one of us.
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[chuckles]
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Well, apologies, Shane,
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because, I mean, this evening
does not work out well for you.
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Your mum gets quite a few mentions.
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I hope you're going to be okay with that.
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Are you going to be alright?
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You're in for quite a rough ride tonight.
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Is what I said to your mum
the last time I saw her.
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It's that sort of thing
pretty much fucking continually. Okay.
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When I'm away from home,
I sometimes get love sick.
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Well, they call it chlamydia.
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I was in a hotel having breakfast
and the waiter said to me,
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"Do you want white or brown toast?"
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I said, "All toast is brown.
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You're thinking of bread."
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He said, "What room are you in?"
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I said, "It's the dining room."
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I was on tour recently
and walked into a hotel room,
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and on the TV screen, it just said,
"The adult channel is disabled."
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I thought, "That's a bit specialist.
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How did they know I'd be into that?"
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Lucky guess.
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A lot of people text whilst driving.
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I'm not excusing it,
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but we've all done things we regret
when we're drunk.
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We have all done things we regret
when we're drunk.
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Some of you may be with one of them
this evening.
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Some very good sideways glancing going on.
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[chuckles]
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Backseat drivers, they're all the same,
aren't they?
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"Why are we going into the woods?
Please let me go."
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"I am trying to maintain an erection."
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Here's a question. Does anyone in the room
believe in the supernatural?
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Ghosts and spirits and the like. Anyone?
252
00:12:43,365 --> 00:12:44,645
-Yes!
-Quite a lot of you.
253
00:12:44,725 --> 00:12:48,325
It's actually easy
to tell if your house is haunted.
254
00:12:49,125 --> 00:12:49,965
It isn't.
255
00:12:52,685 --> 00:12:53,605
Grow up.
256
00:12:58,725 --> 00:13:01,605
There's actually a special name
for people that have seen a ghost.
257
00:13:01,685 --> 00:13:03,405
It's... schizophrenic.
258
00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:07,405
People claim to be into recycling,
259
00:13:07,485 --> 00:13:09,925
but you should see their faces
when you rinse out a condom.
260
00:13:15,405 --> 00:13:18,365
Women usually take care of contraception
within relationships,
261
00:13:18,445 --> 00:13:20,485
but some men do and they're called...
262
00:13:20,565 --> 00:13:21,445
dads.
263
00:13:26,285 --> 00:13:27,725
I've got a friend, she's got a theory.
264
00:13:27,805 --> 00:13:30,645
She reckons the way
to drive a man wild with desire
265
00:13:30,725 --> 00:13:33,405
is to nibble on his earlobes
for hours and hours.
266
00:13:33,885 --> 00:13:35,005
I think it's bollocks.
267
00:13:40,605 --> 00:13:42,605
Has everyone that's going to get it
got it? Let's move on.
268
00:13:45,445 --> 00:13:47,565
I've got a friend
whose nickname is "Shagger."
269
00:13:47,645 --> 00:13:49,165
You might think that's quite cool.
270
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,365
She doesn't like it.
271
00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:54,325
My girlfriend said to me recently,
272
00:13:54,405 --> 00:13:56,085
"Have you been having sex behind my back?"
273
00:13:56,725 --> 00:13:58,445
I said, "Who the fucking hell
did you think it was?
274
00:14:01,165 --> 00:14:02,045
And another thing.
275
00:14:02,125 --> 00:14:04,245
It wouldn't kill you to turn around
and check how I'm doing.
276
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,445
A little bit of encouragement
goes a long way."
277
00:14:09,245 --> 00:14:10,805
My girlfriend used to get annoyed at me
278
00:14:10,885 --> 00:14:12,405
because I used to
leave the toilet seat up.
279
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:15,485
So now I always make a point
of putting the toilet seat down.
280
00:14:15,565 --> 00:14:16,485
Only takes a second.
281
00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:18,645
I know a lot of people
think that's a trivial matter,
282
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:19,965
but I think it's a signifier.
283
00:14:20,045 --> 00:14:23,045
It shows that you care in a small way
each and every day.
284
00:14:23,125 --> 00:14:25,325
So always make a point
of putting the toilet seat down.
285
00:14:25,405 --> 00:14:26,565
Of course, there's no winning with her.
286
00:14:26,645 --> 00:14:28,925
Now she's annoyed
because it's covered in piss.
287
00:14:35,325 --> 00:14:37,805
I tell these jokes,
but I'm actually a very modern man.
288
00:14:37,885 --> 00:14:39,565
I've got no problem buying tampons,
289
00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:42,365
but apparently
they're not a "proper present."
290
00:14:46,045 --> 00:14:48,085
"Says super on the box.
I don't know what you want!"
291
00:14:49,125 --> 00:14:50,405
"Happy birthday, Mum."
292
00:14:55,845 --> 00:14:58,685
I bought my girlfriend a book called
Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking,
293
00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:02,485
which is ideal for her,
because not only is she a vegetarian...
294
00:15:06,645 --> 00:15:08,805
My girlfriend
said she wanted me to tease her.
295
00:15:08,885 --> 00:15:10,085
I said, "Alright, fatty!"
296
00:15:15,845 --> 00:15:17,845
The first few weeks
of joining Weight Watchers,
297
00:15:17,925 --> 00:15:19,445
you're just finding your feet.
298
00:15:26,805 --> 00:15:28,205
A fat lady came up to me after a show
299
00:15:28,285 --> 00:15:29,605
and complained about that joke.
300
00:15:30,125 --> 00:15:31,445
I say a fat lady came up to me.
301
00:15:31,525 --> 00:15:32,965
She pretty much surrounded me.
302
00:15:35,365 --> 00:15:38,125
She was livid.
She said, "I think you're fattist."
303
00:15:38,765 --> 00:15:39,765
I said, "No."
304
00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:42,925
"I think you're fattest."
305
00:15:52,925 --> 00:15:54,045
Have you ever fucked a girl so fat
306
00:15:54,125 --> 00:15:55,605
you think it might count as a threesome?
307
00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:00,525
I'll tell you when you know
you're with a big girl.
308
00:16:00,605 --> 00:16:03,365
If you've ever found yourself
in the throes of passion, thinking...
309
00:16:04,085 --> 00:16:05,245
"Is that boob or arm?"
310
00:16:07,765 --> 00:16:09,485
"I'll give it a lick just to be sure."
311
00:16:14,405 --> 00:16:16,525
A very nice man came up to me
after a show recently and said,
312
00:16:16,605 --> 00:16:17,445
"Hey, I'm a fat guy.
313
00:16:17,525 --> 00:16:18,725
How do you think I feel?"
314
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,285
I said, "Squidgy."
315
00:16:24,445 --> 00:16:25,445
I mean, I tell these jokes,
316
00:16:25,525 --> 00:16:27,325
but I knew I had to lose
a little bit of weight recently.
317
00:16:27,405 --> 00:16:29,445
I think you know, as a man,
when you've got to lose weight.
318
00:16:29,525 --> 00:16:30,445
There's warning signs.
319
00:16:30,525 --> 00:16:31,685
There are red flags.
320
00:16:31,765 --> 00:16:32,725
I knew I had to lose weight.
321
00:16:32,805 --> 00:16:34,125
A very sad day for any man
322
00:16:34,205 --> 00:16:36,485
when his girlfriend suggests
he cums on his own tits.
323
00:16:42,925 --> 00:16:46,205
Most men don't get enough fiber
in their diet. Yeah?
324
00:16:46,285 --> 00:16:47,205
Tough shit.
325
00:16:50,085 --> 00:16:52,885
I read a thing recently.
It was in Men's Health Magazine.
326
00:16:52,965 --> 00:16:54,885
It said that drinking your own urine
327
00:16:54,965 --> 00:16:56,645
is meant to be good for you.
328
00:16:57,365 --> 00:16:58,485
Bullshit.
329
00:16:59,205 --> 00:17:00,685
I put my back out.
330
00:17:09,045 --> 00:17:10,805
That was a flattering mime, wasn't it?
331
00:17:12,045 --> 00:17:13,725
A double-hander, sir?
332
00:17:20,365 --> 00:17:23,445
Half of all women don't groom or style
their pubic hair.
333
00:17:23,525 --> 00:17:24,365
Half!
334
00:17:24,445 --> 00:17:25,765
That means, statistically,
335
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:28,565
either your mum
or your nan is rocking a Brazilian.
336
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:33,285
Must be your nan, Shane.
337
00:17:33,365 --> 00:17:35,365
[audience laughs, applauds]
338
00:17:42,805 --> 00:17:45,645
Seriously, your mum, it was like
a knife wound in a gorilla's back.
339
00:17:48,885 --> 00:17:51,685
[chuckling]
340
00:17:55,205 --> 00:17:56,165
You've taken that well.
341
00:17:57,845 --> 00:17:59,885
Which I imagine runs in the family,
does it?
342
00:18:05,765 --> 00:18:07,485
People worry about
their physical appearance.
343
00:18:07,565 --> 00:18:08,685
We all have silly hang-ups.
344
00:18:08,765 --> 00:18:11,325
Personally, I worry
that one of my balls is bigger
345
00:18:11,685 --> 00:18:12,605
than the other two.
346
00:18:15,445 --> 00:18:16,645
I shave my testicles.
347
00:18:16,725 --> 00:18:18,285
I call them "Brazil nuts."
348
00:18:20,005 --> 00:18:21,045
Makes me giggle.
349
00:18:22,045 --> 00:18:23,085
Because it tickles when I do it.
350
00:18:24,485 --> 00:18:26,365
Whenever I'm in the changing rooms
in the gym,
351
00:18:26,445 --> 00:18:27,365
I'm always embarrassed
352
00:18:27,445 --> 00:18:30,445
by the fact my penis
is so much bigger than everyone else's.
353
00:18:31,325 --> 00:18:33,325
But then, in fairness, it is erect.
354
00:18:41,125 --> 00:18:44,365
Ten percent of women have cried
in shop fitting rooms.
355
00:18:44,445 --> 00:18:45,485
I guess...
356
00:18:45,565 --> 00:18:46,965
they weren't expecting to see me there.
357
00:18:51,245 --> 00:18:53,845
My girlfriend recently bought a t-shirt
for 100 Euro.
358
00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:55,805
That's a ridiculous amount to spend
on a t-shirt.
359
00:18:56,405 --> 00:18:57,885
It said D&G on the front.
360
00:18:57,965 --> 00:18:58,845
I suppose, fair enough,
361
00:18:58,925 --> 00:19:00,125
one of her tits is bigger than the other.
362
00:19:02,525 --> 00:19:04,525
[honks]
363
00:19:05,765 --> 00:19:07,405
We call that one our favorite.
364
00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:11,165
Turn on the taps, test the water.
That's how I remember it.
365
00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:15,005
That's very much foreplay for beginners,
isn't it?
366
00:19:15,085 --> 00:19:16,885
Turn on the taps, test the water.
367
00:19:18,845 --> 00:19:19,885
Not ready yet.
368
00:19:21,725 --> 00:19:22,805
Not ready yet.
369
00:19:24,885 --> 00:19:26,125
Not ready yet.
370
00:19:28,205 --> 00:19:30,405
Like a fucking Slip 'N Slide. We're on.
371
00:19:34,725 --> 00:19:35,925
People with Tourette's.
372
00:19:36,005 --> 00:19:37,085
What makes them tick?
373
00:19:39,485 --> 00:19:41,965
The worst thing about being told
you've got Alzheimer's
374
00:19:42,205 --> 00:19:43,725
is it doesn't just happen once.
375
00:19:46,365 --> 00:19:48,365
I did a show for Alzheimer's sufferers.
376
00:19:48,445 --> 00:19:50,125
It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke.
377
00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:55,365
I did a show for Alzheimer's sufferers.
378
00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,805
It was brilliant. Two hours, one joke.
379
00:20:01,045 --> 00:20:02,725
I did a show for Alzheimer's sufferers.
380
00:20:05,285 --> 00:20:07,725
My first wife was from Thailand.
381
00:20:08,725 --> 00:20:10,885
Don't, you'll feel bad.
It's actually quite a sad story.
382
00:20:10,965 --> 00:20:12,485
My first wife was from Thailand
383
00:20:12,565 --> 00:20:13,765
and she died of...
384
00:20:14,245 --> 00:20:15,365
testicular cancer.
385
00:20:19,165 --> 00:20:20,805
Probably the best way I could describe it
386
00:20:20,885 --> 00:20:22,325
is her front bottom was an outie.
387
00:20:26,325 --> 00:20:29,645
I recently saw a transvestite
in a mini skirt. I thought...
388
00:20:30,125 --> 00:20:31,525
"That shows a lot of balls."
389
00:20:36,725 --> 00:20:39,405
The male gypsy moth can smell
the female gypsy moth
390
00:20:39,485 --> 00:20:41,005
from up to seven miles away.
391
00:20:41,085 --> 00:20:43,445
And that fact also works
if you remove the word...
392
00:20:43,525 --> 00:20:44,445
"moth."
393
00:20:49,605 --> 00:20:50,965
The first time I told that joke
394
00:20:51,045 --> 00:20:52,685
was on BBC Radio 4
395
00:20:52,765 --> 00:20:57,005
and we got a letter of complaint in
from the National Gypsy Council.
396
00:20:57,965 --> 00:20:59,045
So I wrote back.
397
00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:00,765
Of course, they'd moved on.
398
00:21:08,925 --> 00:21:09,925
Here's a frightening fact.
399
00:21:10,005 --> 00:21:13,205
if you took all the money that we
in the West spend on food in one week,
400
00:21:13,285 --> 00:21:16,605
you could feed the third world
for one year.
401
00:21:16,925 --> 00:21:19,645
I don't know about you good people,
but I can't help feeling
402
00:21:19,725 --> 00:21:22,325
we're being overcharged for our groceries.
403
00:21:24,885 --> 00:21:27,325
Now my job is writing harsh, brutal jokes.
404
00:21:27,605 --> 00:21:30,165
I can't compete recently
with stuff I've just overheard.
405
00:21:30,445 --> 00:21:31,765
I was in a doctor's waiting room,
406
00:21:31,845 --> 00:21:34,325
sat opposite these two ladies
in their early sixties.
407
00:21:34,405 --> 00:21:37,285
One of the ladies, just trying to start
a conversation with her friend,
408
00:21:37,365 --> 00:21:38,805
looked down at a copy of the newspaper,
409
00:21:38,885 --> 00:21:40,885
a stark image of famine
on the cover of the paper...
410
00:21:41,405 --> 00:21:43,005
and she turned to her friend,
she said, "This famine...
411
00:21:43,485 --> 00:21:44,565
it's terrible, isn't it?"
412
00:21:45,045 --> 00:21:46,845
And her friend, without skipping a beat,
went...
413
00:21:46,925 --> 00:21:47,805
"Yeah...
414
00:21:48,445 --> 00:21:50,445
but they don't get our winters."
415
00:21:55,045 --> 00:21:56,365
Fucking hell.
416
00:21:57,605 --> 00:21:59,605
There's about half of you laughing
and half of you thinking,
417
00:21:59,685 --> 00:22:01,445
"The winter here can be rough."
418
00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:05,085
I got stopped in the street the other day
419
00:22:05,165 --> 00:22:06,925
by one of those charity muggers.
420
00:22:07,005 --> 00:22:08,885
You know, the ones with the clipboard
and the optimism.
421
00:22:10,325 --> 00:22:11,885
Chuggers, a lot of people call them.
422
00:22:12,645 --> 00:22:14,045
I call them "chunts."
423
00:22:16,005 --> 00:22:17,365
Anyway, he stopped me in the street
and went,
424
00:22:17,445 --> 00:22:19,845
"Do you know how often
people die from AIDS?"
425
00:22:19,925 --> 00:22:20,925
I said, "I'm not an expert,
426
00:22:21,005 --> 00:22:22,685
but I'm guessing just the once, is it?"
427
00:22:29,525 --> 00:22:31,325
My best friend's wife is having a baby.
428
00:22:31,405 --> 00:22:32,845
I said, "What do you want?
A boy or a girl?"
429
00:22:32,925 --> 00:22:34,165
And he thought about it. He said...
430
00:22:34,725 --> 00:22:35,805
"I wanted a blowjob."
431
00:22:39,245 --> 00:22:40,445
Really mournful.
432
00:22:42,405 --> 00:22:43,725
I like getting a blowjob off the missus.
433
00:22:43,805 --> 00:22:44,885
I don't know if you get this.
434
00:22:44,965 --> 00:22:46,645
I don't know if you get a blowjob
off my missus.
435
00:22:47,805 --> 00:22:49,805
I don't know
what your shoe-buying budget is.
436
00:22:53,685 --> 00:22:55,085
A little glimpse into my world.
437
00:22:55,605 --> 00:22:57,325
The thing I like about oral sex...
438
00:22:57,405 --> 00:22:59,005
I think the thing most men like
about oral sex,
439
00:22:59,085 --> 00:22:59,925
nothing sexual, ladies,
440
00:23:00,005 --> 00:23:01,845
is actually the peace and quiet.
441
00:23:05,325 --> 00:23:08,525
If you've ever been going down on a guy
and he's gone, "Oh,"
442
00:23:08,605 --> 00:23:09,885
that is not your technique.
443
00:23:10,405 --> 00:23:12,045
That is not his sexual ecstasy.
444
00:23:12,125 --> 00:23:14,885
That is the sound of a man
not being asked a question.
445
00:23:23,725 --> 00:23:24,645
I would think about adoption.
446
00:23:24,725 --> 00:23:26,365
I don't have kids, but if I had kids,
447
00:23:26,445 --> 00:23:28,325
I think I would have them adopted.
448
00:23:32,885 --> 00:23:35,245
I haven't got children,
but I have made a start.
449
00:23:35,325 --> 00:23:37,285
I bought some puppies and a van.
450
00:23:43,845 --> 00:23:46,125
I had a really awkward moment on stage
recently while I was doing a show
451
00:23:46,205 --> 00:23:48,085
when someone from right in the back
of the room shouted,
452
00:23:48,165 --> 00:23:49,525
"Are you ever going to have children?"
453
00:23:50,125 --> 00:23:51,685
I said, "Look,
it's a perfectly reasonable question.
454
00:23:51,765 --> 00:23:53,525
I don't want to make you feel bad
for asking,
455
00:23:53,605 --> 00:23:54,645
but my girlfriend and I...
456
00:23:55,125 --> 00:23:56,965
actually can't have children...
457
00:23:59,045 --> 00:24:00,125
the way we do it."
458
00:24:08,365 --> 00:24:09,965
What is it about being blind
459
00:24:10,045 --> 00:24:12,045
that makes you want to walk the dog
the whole time?
460
00:24:18,445 --> 00:24:20,205
Who picks up guide dog shit?
461
00:24:24,125 --> 00:24:26,085
You can laugh, but no fucker knows.
462
00:24:29,405 --> 00:24:31,885
It's got to be
quite a hit-and-miss operation, hasn't it?
463
00:24:34,805 --> 00:24:36,005
Ah, that's warm.
464
00:24:39,445 --> 00:24:41,965
I saw a guy... I was in the high street
near where I live in North London.
465
00:24:42,045 --> 00:24:44,725
I saw a guy with a guide dog
and a white stick.
466
00:24:44,805 --> 00:24:47,285
So I went up to him.
I said, "You must be blind."
467
00:24:47,365 --> 00:24:48,845
He said, "Tell me something I don't know."
468
00:24:49,805 --> 00:24:51,245
I said, "There's a tree over there."
469
00:24:53,645 --> 00:24:54,765
Be a dick about it.
470
00:24:59,845 --> 00:25:01,645
I had a relationship with a blind girl,
471
00:25:01,725 --> 00:25:04,205
which was rewarding, but challenging.
472
00:25:04,725 --> 00:25:07,005
It took me ages
to get her husband's voice right.
473
00:25:11,525 --> 00:25:12,645
Pornography.
474
00:25:13,565 --> 00:25:14,765
I'll cum to that later.
475
00:25:21,245 --> 00:25:22,485
I feel like I'm getting old.
476
00:25:22,565 --> 00:25:25,125
I was watching porn recently
and I found myself thinking,
477
00:25:25,205 --> 00:25:26,565
"That bed looks comfy."
478
00:25:29,445 --> 00:25:31,525
Here's an old man thing
I did for the first time recently.
479
00:25:31,605 --> 00:25:33,285
I bought Viagra for the first time.
480
00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:35,565
I didn't have a problem per se,
but I thought,
481
00:25:35,645 --> 00:25:38,365
"You know, we're going away
for the weekend. Let's super-charge this."
482
00:25:39,325 --> 00:25:40,405
And you can now get, in the UK,
483
00:25:40,485 --> 00:25:42,365
over-the-counter Viagra.
484
00:25:42,845 --> 00:25:44,325
I thought, "That sounds powerful."
485
00:25:47,485 --> 00:25:49,285
Over the counter, you say?
486
00:25:50,165 --> 00:25:51,085
Thunk.
487
00:25:53,285 --> 00:25:54,485
It's a medication, Viagra.
488
00:25:54,565 --> 00:25:56,045
You've got to take these things seriously.
489
00:25:56,125 --> 00:25:58,765
So I was reading the side of the box
of the Viagra they sold me.
490
00:25:58,845 --> 00:26:00,565
It said on the side of the box,
491
00:26:00,645 --> 00:26:02,285
"Keep away from children."
492
00:26:04,925 --> 00:26:07,445
I thought, "What kind of a man
do they think I am...
493
00:26:08,525 --> 00:26:11,565
that can't maintain an erection
with a child?"
494
00:26:15,645 --> 00:26:18,365
Well, that joke
separated the men from the boys.
495
00:26:19,805 --> 00:26:21,045
Somewhat ironically.
496
00:26:22,765 --> 00:26:24,525
[chuckles]
497
00:26:25,725 --> 00:26:27,805
I'm not a big fan of the predictive text.
498
00:26:27,885 --> 00:26:30,005
It makes you look like an idiot
when you text a lady
499
00:26:30,085 --> 00:26:32,605
saying you want to put your massive clock
in her hairy aunt.
500
00:26:35,045 --> 00:26:37,005
I got into an argument with my girlfriend.
501
00:26:37,085 --> 00:26:40,205
She said to me,
"You treat this house like a hotel."
502
00:26:40,765 --> 00:26:42,525
I said, "I have never
503
00:26:42,605 --> 00:26:44,965
snorted cocaine off a hooker's tits
in this house."
504
00:26:48,645 --> 00:26:51,245
That is a joke. I have never paid for sex.
505
00:26:51,925 --> 00:26:54,285
Which has upset a lot of prostitutes.
506
00:26:56,325 --> 00:26:57,245
Shane's mum.
507
00:27:01,485 --> 00:27:02,445
A couple of weeks ago,
508
00:27:02,525 --> 00:27:03,965
I failed to perform sexually.
509
00:27:04,045 --> 00:27:05,205
I won't go into detail.
510
00:27:05,285 --> 00:27:07,925
Suffice it to say, I "arrived early."
511
00:27:09,125 --> 00:27:10,005
And my girlfriend said,
512
00:27:10,085 --> 00:27:11,565
"Don't worry,
that happens to a lot of men."
513
00:27:11,645 --> 00:27:14,485
I said, "Right. A couple of things.
Firstly, who are these 'a lot of men'?
514
00:27:15,365 --> 00:27:17,565
And, secondly,
if it's happening to more than one of us,
515
00:27:17,645 --> 00:27:19,205
don't you think it could be your fault?"
516
00:27:25,125 --> 00:27:27,445
My girlfriend has fallen asleep
during sex before.
517
00:27:27,525 --> 00:27:28,365
That is awkward.
518
00:27:28,845 --> 00:27:31,085
But not as awkward
as the time she woke up during it.
519
00:27:33,765 --> 00:27:34,805
"Hello, love.
520
00:27:35,925 --> 00:27:37,045
You're up early."
521
00:27:39,485 --> 00:27:42,405
"Yeah, I was just getting on
with a little bit of sex. Yeah.
522
00:27:42,485 --> 00:27:44,365
I'll make you a cup of tea
when I'm finished."
523
00:27:45,325 --> 00:27:47,125
That'll help get rid of the taste."
524
00:27:53,005 --> 00:27:54,005
[chuckles]
525
00:27:54,885 --> 00:27:57,685
It's a great feeling when you get a woman
you've been chasing for...
526
00:27:57,765 --> 00:27:58,805
miles.
527
00:28:04,085 --> 00:28:05,565
I thought it would be romantic
528
00:28:05,645 --> 00:28:08,205
to take my girlfriend back
to where we first met,
529
00:28:08,285 --> 00:28:09,245
but she said,
530
00:28:09,325 --> 00:28:10,605
"Don't make me go back there, Mr. Jimmy.
531
00:28:10,685 --> 00:28:12,085
I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll be better."
532
00:28:18,005 --> 00:28:19,445
I worry about that joke.
533
00:28:19,525 --> 00:28:20,965
Is that just razy lacism?
534
00:28:26,085 --> 00:28:27,445
I didn't used to talk about sex at all.
535
00:28:27,525 --> 00:28:28,845
I was very repressed, very uptight.
536
00:28:28,965 --> 00:28:29,965
Very British about the whole thing.
537
00:28:30,045 --> 00:28:32,125
Now I'll talk to anyone about anything.
538
00:28:32,205 --> 00:28:33,045
Here's an example.
539
00:28:33,125 --> 00:28:34,405
Here's a detail from my life
I don't mind sharing
540
00:28:34,485 --> 00:28:35,685
with the good people of Dublin.
541
00:28:35,765 --> 00:28:39,205
My girlfriend can't have orgasms
during intercourse,
542
00:28:39,285 --> 00:28:40,965
but it's not a problem, because I...
543
00:28:41,485 --> 00:28:42,365
can.
544
00:28:45,325 --> 00:28:47,045
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
545
00:28:47,125 --> 00:28:49,325
She spat it back in my face.
546
00:28:54,645 --> 00:28:55,885
I was pretty into it actually, yeah.
547
00:28:57,725 --> 00:29:00,285
When my first girlfriend
choked to death...
548
00:29:01,725 --> 00:29:03,165
it was a terrible blow.
549
00:29:05,525 --> 00:29:07,205
Yeah, I had to finish myself off.
550
00:29:09,645 --> 00:29:10,925
I was in bed with a girl recently.
551
00:29:11,005 --> 00:29:13,525
She said to me,
"I want tonight to be magical."
552
00:29:14,085 --> 00:29:15,085
And it was.
553
00:29:15,605 --> 00:29:16,725
After I fucked her...
554
00:29:17,685 --> 00:29:18,685
[whispers] I disappeared.
555
00:29:22,925 --> 00:29:25,005
My girlfriend used to smoke after sex,
556
00:29:25,085 --> 00:29:27,645
so we started using lubricant.
557
00:29:34,205 --> 00:29:36,405
Have you all had the classic
bar room conversation,
558
00:29:36,485 --> 00:29:38,205
if you had to sleep with a man,
who would it be?
559
00:29:38,285 --> 00:29:40,405
Classic heterosexual male,
bar room conversation.
560
00:29:40,485 --> 00:29:41,325
Have you had it?
561
00:29:42,125 --> 00:29:43,645
No? You haven't? Okay.
562
00:29:43,725 --> 00:29:45,525
Well, forewarned is forearmed.
563
00:29:45,605 --> 00:29:47,725
I'll tell you how the conversation
is meant to go.
564
00:29:47,805 --> 00:29:49,445
If you had to sleep with a man,
who would it be?
565
00:29:49,525 --> 00:29:50,445
[man] Johnny Depp.
566
00:29:50,525 --> 00:29:52,765
Johnny Depp, you'd go with. Johnny Depp.
567
00:29:52,845 --> 00:29:55,565
Pirates Of The Caribbean,
gorgeous Johnny Depp.
568
00:29:55,645 --> 00:29:57,045
That's not how the conversation's
meant to go.
569
00:29:57,125 --> 00:29:58,925
I'll tell you how the conversation's
meant to go.
570
00:29:59,005 --> 00:30:00,725
So you're in a bar, with a friend,
571
00:30:00,805 --> 00:30:02,205
drinking, taking it easy,
572
00:30:02,285 --> 00:30:04,245
chatting about life and news and sports.
573
00:30:04,325 --> 00:30:06,165
Out of nowhere, your friend says to you,
574
00:30:06,245 --> 00:30:08,205
"If you had to sleep with a man,
who would it be?"
575
00:30:08,285 --> 00:30:09,605
"Well, I wouldn't,
so it wouldn't be anyone."
576
00:30:09,685 --> 00:30:10,925
"But if you had to, who would it be?"
577
00:30:11,005 --> 00:30:12,165
"Well, I wouldn't,
so it wouldn't be anyone."
578
00:30:12,245 --> 00:30:13,725
"But if you had to sleep with a man,
who would it be?"
579
00:30:13,805 --> 00:30:14,845
"Well, I wouldn't,
so it wouldn't be anyone."
580
00:30:14,925 --> 00:30:16,285
"But if you had to."
"I wouldn't."
581
00:30:16,365 --> 00:30:17,805
"But if you had to though."
"I just wouldn't."
582
00:30:17,885 --> 00:30:19,845
"But if you had to sleep with a man."
"I would not sleep with a man."
583
00:30:19,925 --> 00:30:21,885
"But if you had to sleep with a man,
who would that man be?"
584
00:30:21,965 --> 00:30:23,405
"I wouldn't sleep with a man."
"But if you had to."
585
00:30:23,485 --> 00:30:25,245
"I wouldn't though."
"But if you had to sleep with a man."
586
00:30:25,325 --> 00:30:27,085
"I would not sleep with a man."
"But if you had to."
587
00:30:27,165 --> 00:30:28,605
"I wouldn't."
"But if you had to though."
588
00:30:28,685 --> 00:30:30,445
"I just wouldn't."
"But if you had to, who would it be?"
589
00:30:30,525 --> 00:30:32,245
"I wouldn't, so it wouldn't be anyone."
"But if you had to."
590
00:30:32,325 --> 00:30:33,645
"I wouldn't."
"But if you had to."
591
00:30:33,725 --> 00:30:35,445
"I just wouldn't though."
"But if you had to sleep with a man."
592
00:30:35,525 --> 00:30:36,605
"No."
"But if you had to."
593
00:30:36,685 --> 00:30:38,085
"I wouldn't."
"But if you had to sleep with a man."
594
00:30:38,165 --> 00:30:39,205
"I would not sleep with a man."
595
00:30:39,285 --> 00:30:40,845
"But if you had to."
"I wouldn't sleep with a man."
596
00:30:40,925 --> 00:30:42,525
"But if you had to"
"I wouldn't sleep with a man."
597
00:30:42,605 --> 00:30:43,445
"But if you had to."
"I wouldn't."
598
00:30:43,525 --> 00:30:44,965
"If you had to"
"I wouldn't."
599
00:30:45,045 --> 00:30:46,805
"If you had to sleep with a man."
"Well..."
600
00:30:46,885 --> 00:30:48,045
"Poof."
601
00:30:53,045 --> 00:30:55,325
That's how that conversation's
supposed to go.
602
00:30:57,445 --> 00:30:59,205
It doesn't always go like that.
Of course not.
603
00:30:59,285 --> 00:31:00,885
Sometimes you say, "If you had to sleep
with a man, who would it be?"
604
00:31:00,965 --> 00:31:02,325
and they go,"Johnny Depp."
605
00:31:05,445 --> 00:31:06,725
Don't feel bad about that.
606
00:31:06,805 --> 00:31:07,965
Not the worst answer I've ever had.
607
00:31:08,045 --> 00:31:09,805
The worst answer I ever had,
I did a gig in London...
608
00:31:09,885 --> 00:31:10,765
and I was picking on this guy
609
00:31:10,845 --> 00:31:12,325
front and center,
where you're sitting, sir,
610
00:31:12,405 --> 00:31:13,565
and he got so flustered,
611
00:31:13,645 --> 00:31:15,765
like a deer in the headlights flustered,
612
00:31:15,845 --> 00:31:17,765
I said, "If you had to sleep with a man,
who would it be?" and he went...
613
00:31:18,565 --> 00:31:19,525
"My brother."
614
00:31:26,845 --> 00:31:27,885
Let's hear from the ladies.
615
00:31:27,965 --> 00:31:29,205
Give us a shout,
all the ladies in the room.
616
00:31:29,285 --> 00:31:30,725
[audience whoops]
617
00:31:30,805 --> 00:31:32,005
You sound in great spirits.
618
00:31:32,085 --> 00:31:33,965
Do you think
you're easy to live with, ladies?
619
00:31:35,405 --> 00:31:37,285
Well, this is going to be educational
and fun.
620
00:31:38,725 --> 00:31:41,205
Gonna tell you how easy you are
to live with, with a couple of questions.
621
00:31:41,285 --> 00:31:42,405
First question, ladies.
622
00:31:42,485 --> 00:31:44,085
Have you ever met a gay man?
623
00:31:44,565 --> 00:31:45,725
[faint whoops]
624
00:31:45,805 --> 00:31:46,965
You have. You've all met gay men.
625
00:31:47,045 --> 00:31:49,805
Have you ever noticed how happy
homosexual men tend to be?
626
00:31:49,885 --> 00:31:51,685
[audience laughing]
627
00:31:53,125 --> 00:31:56,125
How joyful and carefree
those gay dudes tend to be.
628
00:31:56,765 --> 00:31:59,845
"We're going dancing,
Barcardi Breezers. Hiya."
629
00:32:01,005 --> 00:32:02,845
Always in such a great mood.
630
00:32:03,365 --> 00:32:05,205
What's missing from their lives?
631
00:32:06,365 --> 00:32:07,485
You.
632
00:32:18,325 --> 00:32:19,965
Don't get the wrong idea.
I'm not homophobic.
633
00:32:20,045 --> 00:32:22,485
Anyone that says I'm homophobic
can suck my cock.
634
00:32:24,445 --> 00:32:26,205
As long it's not a fella.
It's not natural.
635
00:32:28,645 --> 00:32:30,325
And I think I should be allowed
to tell these jokes,
636
00:32:30,405 --> 00:32:32,565
because although I've never
had sex with a man,
637
00:32:32,645 --> 00:32:34,725
I have fucked a girl ugly enough
to count as a man.
638
00:32:37,005 --> 00:32:37,925
Shane's mum.
639
00:32:41,365 --> 00:32:42,445
[quietly] Sorry, Shane.
640
00:32:44,445 --> 00:32:46,965
Have you all had
the sexual history conversation?
641
00:32:47,045 --> 00:32:49,565
It's the conversation that happens
about maybe six months into a relationship
642
00:32:49,645 --> 00:32:51,205
when things are getting
a little bit serious
643
00:32:51,285 --> 00:32:53,005
and it tends to be the woman
will ask the man.
644
00:32:53,085 --> 00:32:55,805
She'll say, "I'd like to know
about your sexual history."
645
00:32:55,885 --> 00:32:58,245
And the man will think,
"No, you fucking wouldn't."
646
00:32:59,925 --> 00:33:01,925
But in my experience,
the woman doesn't ask once
647
00:33:02,005 --> 00:33:03,725
and then move on
if you don't want to answer.
648
00:33:03,805 --> 00:33:05,845
She keeps on asking and asking and asking
649
00:33:05,925 --> 00:33:07,965
until eventually you feel like
you have to give an answer.
650
00:33:08,045 --> 00:33:09,565
It's what happened to me.
I was cornered.
651
00:33:09,645 --> 00:33:11,365
I had to list everyone I'd ever been with.
652
00:33:11,445 --> 00:33:13,965
From the girl I'd lost my virginity to
right the way up to her.
653
00:33:14,245 --> 00:33:16,525
And that is where I should have stopped.
654
00:33:23,245 --> 00:33:25,805
What's the most important thing
in a relationship? What do you think?
655
00:33:26,085 --> 00:33:26,925
-[man] Trust.
-[woman] Dishwasher.
656
00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:27,845
Trust.
657
00:33:28,365 --> 00:33:29,205
What, sorry?
658
00:33:29,765 --> 00:33:30,605
[woman] A dishwasher.
659
00:33:30,685 --> 00:33:31,605
A dishwasher.
660
00:33:33,085 --> 00:33:34,725
God, has he even forgotten your name?
661
00:33:37,765 --> 00:33:39,405
He just calls you "The Dishwasher."
662
00:33:43,285 --> 00:33:44,765
Any other thoughts?
Most important thing?
663
00:33:44,845 --> 00:33:45,685
[indistinct shout]
664
00:33:45,765 --> 00:33:47,525
-What, sorry?
-Money.
665
00:33:47,605 --> 00:33:49,405
You think money's
the most important thing.
666
00:33:49,965 --> 00:33:51,685
Can I have her washed
and brought to my room?
667
00:33:54,645 --> 00:33:55,525
It's a joke.
668
00:33:56,125 --> 00:33:57,245
Don't bother washing her.
669
00:33:58,885 --> 00:34:00,005
There's really no point.
670
00:34:00,085 --> 00:34:02,165
She's going to end up looking
like a plasterer's radio.
671
00:34:08,805 --> 00:34:09,645
I think I'm with you.
672
00:34:09,725 --> 00:34:11,525
I think trust is the most important thing.
673
00:34:11,605 --> 00:34:14,365
Because if you're with a woman
and you don't 100% trust her,
674
00:34:14,445 --> 00:34:15,285
how do you know
675
00:34:15,365 --> 00:34:16,925
she's not going to tell your wife?
676
00:34:19,765 --> 00:34:21,205
Best answer I ever had on that,
677
00:34:21,285 --> 00:34:23,405
I was doing a gig in Glasgow in Scotland.
678
00:34:23,485 --> 00:34:25,485
I said, "What's the most important thing
in a relationship?"
679
00:34:25,565 --> 00:34:27,365
and a bloke went, "Consent."
680
00:34:33,965 --> 00:34:35,565
Who's drinking tonight?
Are you drinking tonight?
681
00:34:37,445 --> 00:34:39,965
I like drinking when it gets
a bit out of hand.
682
00:34:40,045 --> 00:34:42,485
Beyond beer, wine, spirits,
into the crazy drinks
683
00:34:42,565 --> 00:34:45,245
you only order
when you're already hammered drunk.
684
00:34:45,805 --> 00:34:48,525
The flaming sambuca is a prime example.
685
00:34:48,605 --> 00:34:51,205
No-one has ever ordered
a flaming sambuca while sober
686
00:34:51,285 --> 00:34:52,485
and the reason is clear.
687
00:34:52,565 --> 00:34:53,725
It's on fire.
688
00:34:54,565 --> 00:34:56,085
It does not look refreshing.
689
00:34:56,165 --> 00:34:57,765
The only possible reason I could think of
690
00:34:57,845 --> 00:34:59,445
to order a flaming sambuca when sober
691
00:34:59,525 --> 00:35:00,405
is if you're with a woman
692
00:35:00,485 --> 00:35:02,205
and she's something
just a little bit special.
693
00:35:03,525 --> 00:35:06,245
She's beautiful, and intelligent,
and kind, and funny
694
00:35:06,325 --> 00:35:08,165
and you think,
"Well, she could be the one."
695
00:35:08,645 --> 00:35:09,845
But she's got a bit of an issue
696
00:35:09,925 --> 00:35:11,285
with facial hair on the top lip.
697
00:35:13,645 --> 00:35:15,765
I know, that could be a very awkward
thing to bring up,
698
00:35:15,845 --> 00:35:17,725
especially early on in a relationship.
699
00:35:18,245 --> 00:35:20,525
Much easier, I think,
take her out for a couple of drinks.
700
00:35:21,965 --> 00:35:23,685
"Two flaming sambucas, please,
my good man.
701
00:35:25,125 --> 00:35:26,045
No, I know I'm driving.
702
00:35:26,125 --> 00:35:27,925
They're both for you,
my little Fu Manchu."
703
00:35:32,805 --> 00:35:34,765
Some young women drink so much,
704
00:35:34,845 --> 00:35:36,445
they black out and can't remember
705
00:35:36,525 --> 00:35:37,685
what happened the night before.
706
00:35:38,165 --> 00:35:40,045
If that's you, don't worry.
707
00:35:40,125 --> 00:35:41,125
I made a video.
708
00:35:43,405 --> 00:35:45,525
Most people that get cosmetic surgery
709
00:35:45,685 --> 00:35:47,685
are disappointed with the results,
but they look...
710
00:35:48,165 --> 00:35:49,205
pleasantly surprised.
711
00:35:53,645 --> 00:35:56,605
Surely the best thing
about getting a full face transplant...
712
00:35:56,685 --> 00:35:57,525
They can do them now.
713
00:35:57,605 --> 00:35:59,205
Full face transplants.
714
00:35:59,285 --> 00:36:00,525
Surely the best thing about that
715
00:36:00,605 --> 00:36:02,765
would be turning up
at the donor's funeral and going...
716
00:36:03,245 --> 00:36:06,565
Ooh.
717
00:36:06,645 --> 00:36:08,645
[chuckles]
718
00:36:09,325 --> 00:36:10,285
Come on, you would.
719
00:36:13,005 --> 00:36:16,125
I've got a new doctor
who is stunningly attractive.
720
00:36:16,205 --> 00:36:17,885
Early thirties woman, raven black hair.
721
00:36:17,965 --> 00:36:18,845
I mean smoke show.
722
00:36:18,925 --> 00:36:20,325
She's absolutely gorgeous.
723
00:36:20,405 --> 00:36:22,645
So the first time I met her,
I was having an appointment
724
00:36:22,725 --> 00:36:24,085
in her office, the doctor's office.
725
00:36:24,165 --> 00:36:25,605
So, I walked into the doctor's office,
726
00:36:25,685 --> 00:36:27,405
my jaw hit the floor.
727
00:36:27,485 --> 00:36:28,485
I walked in and went...
728
00:36:29,365 --> 00:36:30,205
Alright?
729
00:36:30,685 --> 00:36:31,765
She went, "Come in, sit down."
730
00:36:31,845 --> 00:36:32,685
I went, "Okay."
731
00:36:33,405 --> 00:36:35,645
-She said, "It's very nice to meet you."
-I went, "Okay."
732
00:36:36,845 --> 00:36:38,965
She said, "Please,
tell me what the problem is."
733
00:36:40,005 --> 00:36:41,325
I said, "I'm embarrassed."
734
00:36:42,005 --> 00:36:43,565
She said, "I've been a doctor for years,
735
00:36:43,645 --> 00:36:44,725
nothing I haven't heard before.
736
00:36:44,805 --> 00:36:47,085
Just tell me what the problem is
and I'm sure we can help you."
737
00:36:47,845 --> 00:36:48,805
I said, "Okay.
738
00:36:49,925 --> 00:36:51,325
I think my cock tastes funny.
739
00:36:56,445 --> 00:36:57,845
I don't know if there's a test for that,
740
00:36:57,925 --> 00:36:59,085
but I've had an idea."
741
00:37:02,685 --> 00:37:04,765
I think the best holiday I ever went on
742
00:37:04,845 --> 00:37:07,245
was the first time I went away
with my mates.
743
00:37:07,325 --> 00:37:08,725
Our own choice of destination,
744
00:37:08,805 --> 00:37:10,485
our own money, our own passports,
745
00:37:10,565 --> 00:37:12,405
that sense of freedom and adventure.
746
00:37:12,485 --> 00:37:13,485
I'll tell you what happened.
747
00:37:13,565 --> 00:37:14,845
We were 18, we finished school,
748
00:37:14,925 --> 00:37:16,765
finished our last exam,
we all got summer jobs,
749
00:37:16,845 --> 00:37:18,125
worked the whole summer through
750
00:37:18,205 --> 00:37:19,845
and then, the day after the results
came out,
751
00:37:19,925 --> 00:37:22,805
we went to Faliraki in Greece
for two weeks.
752
00:37:23,285 --> 00:37:25,445
Sun, sea, sex and sand.
753
00:37:25,525 --> 00:37:26,645
That's what we're looking for.
754
00:37:26,725 --> 00:37:28,285
That is what we got.
755
00:37:28,365 --> 00:37:29,445
In those two weeks,
756
00:37:29,525 --> 00:37:31,805
I had sex with 12 different people.
757
00:37:31,885 --> 00:37:32,885
I'm not bragging.
758
00:37:32,965 --> 00:37:34,085
I was gang raped.
759
00:37:36,805 --> 00:37:37,725
You meet the locals.
760
00:37:37,805 --> 00:37:39,245
You see a different culture.
761
00:37:42,925 --> 00:37:44,565
Does anyone know what you're meant to do
762
00:37:44,645 --> 00:37:46,125
if you get stung by a jellyfish?
763
00:37:46,205 --> 00:37:47,085
Does anyone know?
764
00:37:47,165 --> 00:37:48,125
[audience] Piss on it.
765
00:37:48,205 --> 00:37:49,445
Piss on it is the right answer.
766
00:37:49,525 --> 00:37:50,485
I'll tell you this much,
767
00:37:50,565 --> 00:37:52,765
doesn't work as well on shark bites.
768
00:37:54,445 --> 00:37:56,165
The boy's family were livid.
769
00:37:59,005 --> 00:38:00,405
Apparently once they've been dead
a couple of hours,
770
00:38:00,485 --> 00:38:01,605
there is very little you can do.
771
00:38:02,925 --> 00:38:04,565
No amount of piss is bringing them round.
772
00:38:05,765 --> 00:38:08,285
Would you like some behind the scenes,
show business,
773
00:38:08,365 --> 00:38:09,365
how things are done?
774
00:38:09,445 --> 00:38:10,365
Would you like to know?
775
00:38:10,445 --> 00:38:12,245
-Yes!
-Okay, what's a good way to explain?
776
00:38:12,325 --> 00:38:14,165
You know when they're filming
with chimpanzees?
777
00:38:14,245 --> 00:38:15,845
It could be a commercial they're filming
778
00:38:15,925 --> 00:38:17,205
or a movie or TV show.
779
00:38:17,285 --> 00:38:18,765
When they're filming with chimpanzees,
780
00:38:18,845 --> 00:38:21,405
what they do is they give them
peanut butter.
781
00:38:21,485 --> 00:38:22,405
It doesn't occur naturally.
782
00:38:22,485 --> 00:38:24,085
It's not in their regular diet in the zoo.
783
00:38:24,165 --> 00:38:25,165
And the reason they give it to them
784
00:38:25,245 --> 00:38:26,365
is because they're not used to it.
785
00:38:26,445 --> 00:38:27,965
Because when they give them
the peanut butter,
786
00:38:28,045 --> 00:38:30,045
it sticks to the roof
of the chimpanzee's mouth.
787
00:38:30,125 --> 00:38:31,365
It makes the chimpanzees go...
788
00:38:31,445 --> 00:38:33,445
[clicking tongue]
789
00:38:36,405 --> 00:38:38,565
And it makes it look
like the chimpanzee's talking.
790
00:38:44,525 --> 00:38:47,165
Well, that's also how they make
Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
791
00:38:55,085 --> 00:38:57,165
When I was a kid,
I had an imaginary friend
792
00:38:57,245 --> 00:38:58,965
and I used to think
he went everywhere with me
793
00:38:59,045 --> 00:39:00,245
and that I could talk to him
794
00:39:00,325 --> 00:39:01,245
and he could hear me,
795
00:39:01,325 --> 00:39:03,125
and that he could grant me wishes
and stuff.
796
00:39:03,205 --> 00:39:05,845
And then I grew up
and I stopped going to church.
797
00:39:12,245 --> 00:39:14,245
I know, I'll be sorry
798
00:39:14,325 --> 00:39:16,645
when Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior
799
00:39:16,725 --> 00:39:18,525
comes back from the made up.
800
00:39:22,685 --> 00:39:24,365
I heard a reporter recently,
801
00:39:24,445 --> 00:39:26,565
a proper BBC journalist on the news,
802
00:39:26,645 --> 00:39:29,965
say, "At least one person killed
in suicide bomb attack."
803
00:39:32,845 --> 00:39:34,325
Well, yeah, obviously.
804
00:39:35,085 --> 00:39:37,085
It's the bare minimum you need to qualify.
805
00:39:38,845 --> 00:39:39,845
I've never really understood it.
806
00:39:39,925 --> 00:39:42,805
Why would you become an Islamic
fundamentalist suicide bomber
807
00:39:42,885 --> 00:39:47,885
on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins
when you die?
808
00:39:47,965 --> 00:39:49,405
Become a Catholic priest
809
00:39:49,485 --> 00:39:50,565
and have them now.
810
00:39:51,285 --> 00:39:52,565
Life's for living.
811
00:39:56,925 --> 00:39:58,085
I was raised Catholic,
812
00:39:58,165 --> 00:40:00,645
and the thing that annoyed me
about church when I was a kid
813
00:40:00,725 --> 00:40:03,285
was all the standing up and sitting down
and kneeling.
814
00:40:03,765 --> 00:40:06,525
I wished the priests
could just pick a position and fuck me.
815
00:40:13,725 --> 00:40:15,205
I was in New Zealand on tour.
816
00:40:15,285 --> 00:40:17,365
I got in trouble while I was
in New Zealand over a joke.
817
00:40:17,445 --> 00:40:19,485
I'll tell you the joke.
You can tell me what you think.
818
00:40:19,965 --> 00:40:21,005
All I said was this.
819
00:40:21,485 --> 00:40:22,565
"I was in Napier.
820
00:40:22,645 --> 00:40:26,005
Destroyed by an earthquake, rebuilt,
beautiful town.
821
00:40:26,085 --> 00:40:27,285
I was in Christchurch.
822
00:40:27,365 --> 00:40:30,685
Destroyed by an earthquake,
rebuilt, beautiful town.
823
00:40:31,165 --> 00:40:32,125
I was in Dunedin...
824
00:40:32,605 --> 00:40:34,165
I said, 'I'll tell you
what this town needs...'"
825
00:40:42,725 --> 00:40:44,205
They went fucking mental.
826
00:40:45,245 --> 00:40:47,085
It turns out I was on very shaky ground.
827
00:40:49,005 --> 00:40:50,005
[chuckles]
828
00:40:51,445 --> 00:40:53,325
One of my best friends,
who's from New Zealand,
829
00:40:53,405 --> 00:40:55,965
I asked him how many sexual partners
he'd had in his life
830
00:40:56,045 --> 00:40:57,045
and he started to count.
831
00:40:57,565 --> 00:40:58,525
And he fell asleep.
832
00:41:03,045 --> 00:41:05,205
Because the men from New Zealand
sometimes fuck the sheep.
833
00:41:08,525 --> 00:41:09,965
Also, if you had quite mild insomnia,
834
00:41:10,045 --> 00:41:11,765
that might encourage you to count sheep
835
00:41:11,845 --> 00:41:13,485
and the repetitive nature of such a task
836
00:41:13,565 --> 00:41:15,085
might help you drift off to sleep.
837
00:41:15,965 --> 00:41:17,805
What jokes are essentially is two stories,
838
00:41:17,885 --> 00:41:19,085
and, in the first story,
839
00:41:19,165 --> 00:41:21,725
you're forced to make an assumption
that turns out to be erroneous.
840
00:41:21,805 --> 00:41:23,605
In the second part of the story,
or punchline,
841
00:41:23,685 --> 00:41:25,885
it's the sudden revelation
of a previously concealed fact.
842
00:41:25,965 --> 00:41:27,205
They all work in a similar way.
843
00:41:27,285 --> 00:41:29,365
It's probably easiest
if you just join in with the others.
844
00:41:35,485 --> 00:41:36,485
My girlfriend often says,
845
00:41:36,565 --> 00:41:37,925
"You never tell me how much you love me."
846
00:41:38,285 --> 00:41:39,325
I don't want to upset her.
847
00:41:42,085 --> 00:41:44,205
I've been with the same girl
for 18 years.
848
00:41:44,285 --> 00:41:46,605
She still gets annoyed
if I use her toothbrush.
849
00:41:46,685 --> 00:41:47,605
That's crazy, isn't it?
850
00:41:48,125 --> 00:41:49,005
[man] Yes.
851
00:41:49,085 --> 00:41:50,325
You don't think that's crazy?
852
00:41:50,405 --> 00:41:52,765
If you can tell me a better way
to get dog shit out of shoes,
853
00:41:52,845 --> 00:41:53,725
I'd love to hear about it.
854
00:41:57,085 --> 00:41:58,885
I'm in a long-term relationship,
855
00:41:58,965 --> 00:42:00,205
but I'm not married.
856
00:42:00,285 --> 00:42:01,565
Is anyone else in the same boat?
857
00:42:01,845 --> 00:42:02,925
[faint whooping]
858
00:42:03,005 --> 00:42:03,925
A few of us.
859
00:42:04,005 --> 00:42:05,485
You probably don't want to say,
a lot of you,
860
00:42:05,565 --> 00:42:06,725
because people are dicks about it.
861
00:42:07,205 --> 00:42:08,965
I'll introduce my girlfriend
to someone at a party.
862
00:42:09,045 --> 00:42:11,285
People we don't know, they'll find out
how long we've been together,
863
00:42:11,365 --> 00:42:13,405
and immediately,
perfect strangers going to me,
864
00:42:13,485 --> 00:42:14,685
"Have you thought about...
865
00:42:14,765 --> 00:42:15,885
You two, thought about...
866
00:42:15,965 --> 00:42:17,445
Ever thought about? Ever talked about?
867
00:42:17,525 --> 00:42:18,685
Ever thought about you two...
868
00:42:18,765 --> 00:42:20,525
Ever thought about? Ever talked about?"
869
00:42:20,605 --> 00:42:22,125
They're not politely inquiring.
870
00:42:22,205 --> 00:42:24,525
They're trying to stir up a fight
between me and my girl.
871
00:42:25,045 --> 00:42:26,805
Well, fuck that noise.
872
00:42:26,885 --> 00:42:28,605
So if ever I get the,
"You ever thought about..."
873
00:42:28,685 --> 00:42:30,725
I always think,
"What? Putting a third finger in?
874
00:42:34,245 --> 00:42:35,525
I'll give it a go.
875
00:42:36,325 --> 00:42:38,285
I'm not sure
if it's what the relationship's missing,
876
00:42:38,365 --> 00:42:39,405
but I'll bloody try it.
877
00:42:40,285 --> 00:42:41,285
Thanks, vicar."
878
00:42:45,165 --> 00:42:46,285
Maybe try the shocker.
879
00:42:47,845 --> 00:42:49,805
Two in the pink, one in the stink.
That's how that works.
880
00:42:50,925 --> 00:42:51,965
Sorry, you're only young.
881
00:42:52,045 --> 00:42:53,645
Two in the goo, one in the poo. There.
882
00:42:56,605 --> 00:42:58,605
[chuckles]
883
00:43:00,445 --> 00:43:02,125
I bought my girlfriend lingerie
884
00:43:02,205 --> 00:43:04,485
for the first time just last Christmas.
885
00:43:04,565 --> 00:43:05,525
So 18 years in...
886
00:43:05,605 --> 00:43:06,845
I didn't do it the first couple years
887
00:43:06,925 --> 00:43:08,005
and then it became a big deal in my head
888
00:43:08,085 --> 00:43:09,125
and I didn't want to get it wrong.
889
00:43:09,205 --> 00:43:11,805
So last November,
we were wandering through Soho
890
00:43:11,885 --> 00:43:13,765
and, as we walked past Agent Provocateur,
891
00:43:13,845 --> 00:43:16,205
this very fancy lingerie store,
892
00:43:16,285 --> 00:43:18,605
as we walked by,
my girlfriend looked up at a mannequin
893
00:43:18,685 --> 00:43:20,365
and there was a bra and panties
on the mannequin
894
00:43:20,445 --> 00:43:21,565
and she went, "They're nice."
895
00:43:21,645 --> 00:43:22,645
Very unlike her.
896
00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:24,525
So the next day, I went back,
897
00:43:24,605 --> 00:43:26,645
bought the bra and panties
that she said were nice.
898
00:43:26,765 --> 00:43:29,925
They came in this beautiful presentation,
velvet-lined box,
899
00:43:30,005 --> 00:43:32,005
and they were pinned
to the back of the box,
900
00:43:32,085 --> 00:43:33,765
beautifully displayed for Christmas.
901
00:43:33,845 --> 00:43:35,165
Quite expensive, but very nice.
902
00:43:35,245 --> 00:43:37,645
Anyway, Christmas morning rolls round
a month later.
903
00:43:37,725 --> 00:43:39,045
She's forgotten about the whole thing.
904
00:43:39,125 --> 00:43:40,085
She opens up the box.
905
00:43:40,165 --> 00:43:42,125
She was absolutely thrilled. She went...
906
00:43:42,605 --> 00:43:44,205
"These are beautiful, darling.
907
00:43:45,645 --> 00:43:46,845
But they're not my size."
908
00:43:47,685 --> 00:43:49,805
I said, "Don't worry,
I've had a chat with the lady in the shop
909
00:43:49,885 --> 00:43:50,885
and she says
910
00:43:50,965 --> 00:43:52,405
you can have an operation."
911
00:43:59,045 --> 00:44:01,005
"Those bra and panties,
that's like Cinderella's slipper.
912
00:44:01,085 --> 00:44:02,685
That will fit the woman I want."
913
00:44:06,525 --> 00:44:09,725
To keep things fresh in the bedroom,
we do a little bit of role play.
914
00:44:09,805 --> 00:44:11,885
I'd recommend it
if you're in a long-term relationship.
915
00:44:12,405 --> 00:44:15,165
How it works is she pretends to be a nurse
916
00:44:15,245 --> 00:44:16,525
and I pretend...
917
00:44:16,605 --> 00:44:18,165
I'm still attracted to her.
918
00:44:21,605 --> 00:44:23,205
That's divided the room, hasn't it?
919
00:44:24,285 --> 00:44:25,845
There's people that thought
that was funny,
920
00:44:25,925 --> 00:44:27,445
and then there are unattractive women.
921
00:44:31,885 --> 00:44:34,005
My girlfriend likes to have the lights on
during sex,
922
00:44:34,085 --> 00:44:36,365
because she likes to be able to read.
923
00:44:39,165 --> 00:44:41,925
Which I think is to be encouraged
in a girl of that age.
924
00:44:50,525 --> 00:44:52,565
I'm not in favor
of all kinds of group sex.
925
00:44:52,645 --> 00:44:55,365
I'm not in favor of the two guys,
one girl threesome,
926
00:44:55,445 --> 00:44:56,605
for the simple reason,
927
00:44:56,685 --> 00:44:59,485
I never want to see
another man's happy face.
928
00:45:00,725 --> 00:45:02,045
Because women, when they orgasm,
929
00:45:02,125 --> 00:45:03,365
look beautiful and serene.
930
00:45:03,445 --> 00:45:05,725
I've seen it in magazines and films.
931
00:45:09,165 --> 00:45:10,245
Men, when they orgasm,
932
00:45:10,325 --> 00:45:13,165
look as if they're
drinking vinegar through their eyes.
933
00:45:17,765 --> 00:45:19,725
Jesus, dude,
you're like a turtle shitting.
934
00:45:20,365 --> 00:45:21,205
Sorry.
935
00:45:25,285 --> 00:45:28,005
I told my girlfriend
my ultimate sexual fantasy
936
00:45:28,085 --> 00:45:29,845
was to have two women
at the same time
937
00:45:30,165 --> 00:45:31,285
and she agreed.
938
00:45:31,365 --> 00:45:33,685
But then she was livid when I told her
she wasn't either of them.
939
00:45:36,645 --> 00:45:39,005
I did have a threesome once,
many years ago.
940
00:45:39,085 --> 00:45:40,725
I was in my mid-20s,
I was seeing this girl,
941
00:45:40,805 --> 00:45:42,325
not that serious a relationship,
942
00:45:42,405 --> 00:45:44,485
but it transpired she had a twin.
943
00:45:44,565 --> 00:45:46,645
So I asked. You don't ask, you don't get.
944
00:45:46,725 --> 00:45:47,805
There's a lesson in life.
945
00:45:47,885 --> 00:45:49,645
I asked, I got, and I'm glad I did.
946
00:45:49,725 --> 00:45:51,245
It was fucking awesome.
947
00:45:52,045 --> 00:45:54,365
Because, if anything,
her twin was better looking than her
948
00:45:54,445 --> 00:45:56,805
and an all-round great guy.
949
00:46:01,405 --> 00:46:03,485
Yeah, you knew something was coming.
950
00:46:04,565 --> 00:46:06,965
But you didn't know
it was going to be her brother in her.
951
00:46:12,925 --> 00:46:13,765
[chuckkles]
952
00:46:15,565 --> 00:46:18,925
Sometimes, you can sense that a friend
wants to take things further.
953
00:46:19,005 --> 00:46:20,125
Will it ruin the friendship?
954
00:46:20,205 --> 00:46:21,925
Things get hot and heavy
on the sofa one night.
955
00:46:22,005 --> 00:46:23,285
You think, "This doesn't feel right,
956
00:46:23,365 --> 00:46:24,405
you're my best friend.
957
00:46:24,485 --> 00:46:26,005
You're not even allowed on the couch."
958
00:46:29,165 --> 00:46:30,485
"Bad dog! Down, boy."
959
00:46:32,325 --> 00:46:33,645
I didn't fuck a dog.
960
00:46:35,125 --> 00:46:36,125
We made love.
961
00:46:41,125 --> 00:46:42,445
Men over-promise in the bedroom.
962
00:46:42,525 --> 00:46:43,365
Not just me.
963
00:46:43,445 --> 00:46:44,685
I think all men are guilty.
964
00:46:44,765 --> 00:46:47,645
Men are full of the-- "I'm going to
make love to you all night long."
965
00:46:48,485 --> 00:46:49,765
Are we though?
966
00:46:50,605 --> 00:46:51,885
Really?
967
00:46:51,965 --> 00:46:53,565
Like every man in this room,
968
00:46:53,645 --> 00:46:56,405
the only time I've ever wanted
to have sex twice
969
00:46:56,485 --> 00:46:58,765
is before I've had sex once.
970
00:47:03,445 --> 00:47:05,765
"I'm going to make love to you
all night long.
971
00:47:05,845 --> 00:47:07,645
Or, until I get sleepy."
972
00:47:09,285 --> 00:47:11,085
"Let's see which comes first."
973
00:47:11,885 --> 00:47:13,445
"I came first."
974
00:47:15,125 --> 00:47:16,085
"Night night."
975
00:47:18,045 --> 00:47:18,965
[chuckles]
976
00:47:19,045 --> 00:47:21,445
[heckler]
You look like a ventriloquist's doll.
977
00:47:21,525 --> 00:47:23,805
What's it like to get fisted by men?
978
00:47:26,325 --> 00:47:28,685
So that was I look like
a ventriloquist's doll,
979
00:47:28,765 --> 00:47:29,605
and then you add...
980
00:47:29,685 --> 00:47:30,885
That's insulting enough.
981
00:47:31,685 --> 00:47:34,565
And then you added
because I like to get fisted by men.
982
00:47:42,845 --> 00:47:44,085
If you want my comeback,
983
00:47:44,165 --> 00:47:46,205
you'll have to scrape it
off your mum's teeth.
984
00:47:51,885 --> 00:47:52,965
[heckler] You posh cunt.
985
00:47:55,445 --> 00:47:58,205
A lot of people think I'm posh.
I'm not that posh. Who thinks I'm posh?
986
00:47:58,685 --> 00:48:00,165
[audience whoops]
987
00:48:00,245 --> 00:48:01,965
Well, compared to you, yes, but...
988
00:48:03,485 --> 00:48:04,925
I'm not as posh as people think.
989
00:48:05,005 --> 00:48:08,005
I went to one of the roughest colleges
in Cambridge.
990
00:48:10,045 --> 00:48:12,045
I've got a question
just for the ladies in the room.
991
00:48:12,125 --> 00:48:14,165
All women I know
have got a very clear line.
992
00:48:14,245 --> 00:48:16,645
On one side of the line, things
they're happy, comfortable, confident
993
00:48:16,725 --> 00:48:18,405
and enjoy doing sexually
with a loving partner.
994
00:48:18,485 --> 00:48:21,205
On the other side of the line,
things they've been asked to do by a man
995
00:48:21,285 --> 00:48:23,965
that they said,
"No, that is not happening."
996
00:48:24,045 --> 00:48:25,605
What I would like to know, ladies,
997
00:48:25,685 --> 00:48:28,125
what is the weirdest thing
you've been asked to do by a man?
998
00:48:28,205 --> 00:48:29,605
What's the weirdest thing
you've been asked to do?
999
00:48:29,685 --> 00:48:32,085
I don't mean reverse park or wash up.
I mean...
1000
00:48:33,605 --> 00:48:35,085
Within a sexual context,
1001
00:48:35,165 --> 00:48:36,645
what's the weirdest thing
you've been asked to do?
1002
00:48:37,365 --> 00:48:39,405
-[woman] Stick a finger in their bum.
-"Stick a finger in their bum."
1003
00:48:39,485 --> 00:48:41,885
I said, "What's the weirdest thing?"
Maybe you didn't hear.
1004
00:48:42,525 --> 00:48:44,085
Weirdest thing a man's asked you to do.
1005
00:48:44,605 --> 00:48:45,445
[woman] Pee on him.
1006
00:48:45,525 --> 00:48:46,365
Pee on him?
1007
00:48:46,445 --> 00:48:48,125
Had he been stung by a jellyfish?
1008
00:48:50,925 --> 00:48:52,605
He wanted you to do a wee on him?
1009
00:48:52,685 --> 00:48:54,485
Now, how long had you been with the guy
1010
00:48:54,565 --> 00:48:56,245
before he said,
"Would you mind doing a wee on me?"
1011
00:48:56,325 --> 00:48:58,205
-Twenty minutes.
-Twenty minutes?
1012
00:49:04,645 --> 00:49:07,245
I'm not sure you weren't
just walking past a tramp, love.
1013
00:49:13,005 --> 00:49:15,325
Any other interesting ones?
1014
00:49:15,405 --> 00:49:17,365
Anyone been asked to do anything weird,
ladies?
1015
00:49:17,925 --> 00:49:18,765
[woman] Be a dog.
1016
00:49:18,845 --> 00:49:19,725
What, sorry?
1017
00:49:19,805 --> 00:49:21,285
-[audience murmurs]
-Whoa, shut up!
1018
00:49:22,245 --> 00:49:24,045
This sounds very interesting.
What was that?
1019
00:49:24,125 --> 00:49:25,245
Be a dog.
1020
00:49:25,325 --> 00:49:26,605
Did you say, "Be a dog"?
1021
00:49:27,085 --> 00:49:27,925
Yes.
1022
00:49:28,405 --> 00:49:30,285
What did that involve?
What did you have to do?
1023
00:49:32,285 --> 00:49:33,725
A collar and a leash.
1024
00:49:34,445 --> 00:49:36,365
You had to wear a collar and a leash?
1025
00:49:38,405 --> 00:49:39,525
And be a dog?
1026
00:49:41,245 --> 00:49:42,325
Man's best friend.
1027
00:49:44,605 --> 00:49:46,605
What did he say?
"I'm going to give you a bone."
1028
00:49:49,605 --> 00:49:50,805
I'm not expecting more answers.
1029
00:49:50,885 --> 00:49:53,365
This is just my favorite bit of the show.
1030
00:49:54,325 --> 00:49:56,085
Because I enjoy looking at nervous men.
1031
00:49:58,525 --> 00:50:00,125
I can see men...
I can see you out there, sir.
1032
00:50:00,205 --> 00:50:01,405
I can see you with your hand
on your partner's leg.
1033
00:50:01,485 --> 00:50:03,405
What are you applying?
200-300 pounds' worth of pressure?
1034
00:50:06,485 --> 00:50:07,965
You haven't said anything to her,
have you?
1035
00:50:08,045 --> 00:50:10,605
You just gave her a look
that said, "Shut your fucking mouth."
1036
00:50:11,925 --> 00:50:13,685
"I just wanted to try it.
It's only a finger.
1037
00:50:13,765 --> 00:50:14,725
It doesn't make me gay."
1038
00:50:20,405 --> 00:50:23,685
I've got a theory about sex
within long-term relationships.
1039
00:50:23,765 --> 00:50:25,765
Because the received wisdom in our society
1040
00:50:25,845 --> 00:50:27,085
is that men ask for sex.
1041
00:50:27,165 --> 00:50:29,245
It's the man that says to the woman,
"Do you want to go upstairs
1042
00:50:29,325 --> 00:50:31,325
for a bit of how's-your-father,
a bit of slap and tickle,
1043
00:50:31,405 --> 00:50:32,725
a bit of sticky belly?"
1044
00:50:34,925 --> 00:50:36,005
It's a medical term.
1045
00:50:37,485 --> 00:50:39,925
The idea that men have got a sex drive
and women are merely passive.
1046
00:50:40,005 --> 00:50:42,445
I call bullshit,
I reckon it's about 50-50
1047
00:50:42,525 --> 00:50:44,925
in most heterosexual relationships,
asking for sex.
1048
00:50:45,005 --> 00:50:47,645
But the reason you don't notice as much
when women ask for sex
1049
00:50:47,725 --> 00:50:50,325
is because, when women ask for sex
in a long-term relationship,
1050
00:50:50,405 --> 00:50:51,405
it happens.
1051
00:50:53,045 --> 00:50:54,765
She doesn't have to ask twice.
1052
00:50:55,765 --> 00:50:57,725
Trust me,
if you've been with a woman for 18 years
1053
00:50:57,805 --> 00:50:59,485
and she says,
"Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?"
1054
00:50:59,565 --> 00:51:00,565
"Yep."
1055
00:51:01,565 --> 00:51:03,245
It doesn't matter what else is going on.
1056
00:51:03,325 --> 00:51:04,725
You could be full of flu.
1057
00:51:04,805 --> 00:51:05,645
"Yep."
1058
00:51:06,565 --> 00:51:08,885
You could have just received
devastating news.
1059
00:51:09,125 --> 00:51:09,965
"Yep.
1060
00:51:11,325 --> 00:51:12,405
I'll call them back."
1061
00:51:13,805 --> 00:51:16,285
You could have just been shot in the leg
by her.
1062
00:51:17,645 --> 00:51:19,205
"Come on. We'll talk about this after."
1063
00:51:21,125 --> 00:51:22,125
But, as a man,
1064
00:51:22,205 --> 00:51:24,725
sometimes you'll proposition the love
of your life, the woman you live with.
1065
00:51:24,805 --> 00:51:26,725
You'll say, "Shall we do the bad thing?"
She'll say, "No."
1066
00:51:27,205 --> 00:51:29,685
And then she'll give you some mercurial,
strange reason
1067
00:51:29,765 --> 00:51:32,565
as to why you couldn't possibly have sex
at this moment in time.
1068
00:51:33,245 --> 00:51:34,765
And then you can't think
of a counter argument
1069
00:51:34,845 --> 00:51:37,205
because all the blood is somewhere else
so you can't focus.
1070
00:51:40,565 --> 00:51:41,885
So I thought, why don't we workshop it?
1071
00:51:41,965 --> 00:51:44,765
What reasons have you heard,
gentlemen, for not having sex?
1072
00:51:47,925 --> 00:51:49,645
[man]
She has to pick Shane up from school.
1073
00:51:50,525 --> 00:51:52,405
"She had to pick Shane up from school."
1074
00:51:59,405 --> 00:52:00,245
Very good.
1075
00:52:01,405 --> 00:52:02,365
Shane,
1076
00:52:02,445 --> 00:52:05,085
it would appear you're getting
fucking rinsed on Netflix, my friend.
1077
00:52:07,325 --> 00:52:08,325
Hope you're cool with that.
1078
00:52:10,045 --> 00:52:11,845
Any other reasons for not having sex,
gentlemen?
1079
00:52:11,925 --> 00:52:12,925
What else have you heard?
1080
00:52:13,005 --> 00:52:13,885
[man] Headache.
1081
00:52:13,965 --> 00:52:16,045
Headache. Classic.
Easy to deal with as well.
1082
00:52:16,125 --> 00:52:18,045
If a woman says, "I can't have sex,
I've got a headache,"
1083
00:52:18,125 --> 00:52:20,125
just say, "I'll be right at the other end.
1084
00:52:21,925 --> 00:52:24,045
I literally couldn't be further away
from that problem.
1085
00:52:25,245 --> 00:52:27,285
Also, I'm fucking you.
We're not doing Sudoku.
1086
00:52:27,365 --> 00:52:29,085
You're not going to need
your wits about you for this."
1087
00:52:31,365 --> 00:52:32,925
[man] We might be overheard.
1088
00:52:33,005 --> 00:52:34,525
You might be overheard?
1089
00:52:34,605 --> 00:52:36,325
-You're worried about making noise.
-Yeah.
1090
00:52:36,405 --> 00:52:38,045
Stick around after the show, sir.
1091
00:52:38,125 --> 00:52:39,765
I could teach you
how to make love to a woman
1092
00:52:39,845 --> 00:52:41,525
so the loudest she's going to be is...
1093
00:52:41,605 --> 00:52:42,485
[clicks tongue] Hmm.
1094
00:52:49,005 --> 00:52:50,085
Possibly an, "Is it in yet?,"
1095
00:52:50,165 --> 00:52:51,765
but nothing that's going
to wake anyone up.
1096
00:52:53,965 --> 00:52:55,885
-Any other... What, sorry?
-Tired.
1097
00:52:55,965 --> 00:52:57,685
Tired is probably the most common
these days.
1098
00:52:57,765 --> 00:53:00,285
I think if a woman says she's tired,
you've got to listen.
1099
00:53:00,565 --> 00:53:01,485
You've got to acknowledge.
1100
00:53:01,565 --> 00:53:02,965
Feedback,
so she knows she's been heard.
1101
00:53:03,045 --> 00:53:04,445
And then make a suggestion.
1102
00:53:04,525 --> 00:53:05,685
I know that sounds obvious,
1103
00:53:05,765 --> 00:53:08,645
but there's a huge difference
between making a suggestion to a woman
1104
00:53:08,725 --> 00:53:10,325
and making a demand on a woman.
1105
00:53:10,405 --> 00:53:11,285
Make a suggestion.
1106
00:53:11,365 --> 00:53:12,605
If she wants to go with it, great.
1107
00:53:12,685 --> 00:53:14,125
If not, you've got to respect that.
1108
00:53:14,205 --> 00:53:15,885
So if a woman said to me,
"I can't have sex.
1109
00:53:15,965 --> 00:53:17,125
I'm really tired,"
1110
00:53:17,645 --> 00:53:19,325
I'd say, "Well, of course, you're tired.
1111
00:53:19,405 --> 00:53:20,405
I hear you."
1112
00:53:21,725 --> 00:53:23,845
"You've got the house.
You've got the kids. You've got work.
1113
00:53:23,925 --> 00:53:25,005
You must be exhausted, love.
1114
00:53:25,085 --> 00:53:27,125
So why don't you,
and it's just a suggestion,
1115
00:53:27,205 --> 00:53:29,485
but why don't you
do what you normally do
1116
00:53:29,565 --> 00:53:31,005
and just fucking lie there?"
1117
00:53:34,365 --> 00:53:36,205
"You lazy fucking cow."
1118
00:53:40,645 --> 00:53:42,605
Any other excuses for not having sex?
1119
00:53:42,685 --> 00:53:43,765
[man] On the blob.
1120
00:53:43,845 --> 00:53:44,725
"On the blob."
1121
00:53:46,685 --> 00:53:48,285
Mr. Darcy's in, ladies.
1122
00:53:52,005 --> 00:53:55,085
Yeah, part of life, isn't it?
You know, period, menstruation.
1123
00:53:55,645 --> 00:53:56,805
She's up on bricks.
1124
00:53:57,885 --> 00:53:59,365
The decorators are in.
1125
00:54:00,125 --> 00:54:01,685
Liverpool are playing at home.
1126
00:54:02,445 --> 00:54:04,045
She's got the red devil in her belly.
1127
00:54:04,125 --> 00:54:05,845
Aunt Flow has come to stay.
1128
00:54:05,925 --> 00:54:07,565
She's at the Women's Institute...
1129
00:54:08,045 --> 00:54:09,165
making jam.
1130
00:54:10,725 --> 00:54:11,845
It's shark week.
1131
00:54:15,325 --> 00:54:18,045
Or, as most modern women
these days prefer to say,
1132
00:54:18,125 --> 00:54:19,205
[monotone] on the blob.
1133
00:54:22,765 --> 00:54:24,965
If a woman said to me,
"I can't have sex, I've got my period,"
1134
00:54:25,045 --> 00:54:26,965
I would say,
"Well, your arse isn't bleeding...
1135
00:54:29,125 --> 00:54:29,965
yet."
1136
00:54:35,685 --> 00:54:38,445
What I'd like to do now
is torpedo this gig
1137
00:54:38,525 --> 00:54:40,445
with some very edgy jokes.
1138
00:54:41,045 --> 00:54:42,685
So then you can all leave thinking,
1139
00:54:42,765 --> 00:54:44,205
"Thank fuck that's over."
1140
00:54:45,245 --> 00:54:46,325
You're welcome.
1141
00:54:47,445 --> 00:54:49,165
Strap in, everyone. Let's do this.
1142
00:54:56,365 --> 00:54:59,485
I saw the chief
of the New York City Police on the news.
1143
00:54:59,565 --> 00:55:01,605
He said, "We will never forget 9/11."
1144
00:55:01,685 --> 00:55:03,725
I thought, "I should fucking hope not,
it's your phone number."
1145
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:14,565
Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls.
1146
00:55:14,645 --> 00:55:16,285
Do they blow themselves up?
1147
00:55:20,445 --> 00:55:22,205
If my grandmother knew how much money
1148
00:55:22,285 --> 00:55:24,325
I spent on her funeral, she would be...
1149
00:55:24,805 --> 00:55:26,525
spinning in her ditch.
1150
00:55:34,325 --> 00:55:37,365
It always feels so much better
when you have a wank with a dead arm,
1151
00:55:37,445 --> 00:55:39,445
but apparently, I ruined that funeral.
1152
00:55:47,085 --> 00:55:49,725
I was in a strip club,
I saw a girl do a thing with a bottle.
1153
00:55:49,805 --> 00:55:51,005
I was disgusted.
1154
00:55:51,485 --> 00:55:53,045
Red wine with fish?
1155
00:55:57,805 --> 00:56:00,845
Throwing acid is wrong
in some people's eyes.
1156
00:56:06,205 --> 00:56:07,525
I saw a headline in the paper.
1157
00:56:07,605 --> 00:56:10,325
It said, "Man held after rape."
I thought...
1158
00:56:10,965 --> 00:56:12,165
"They cuddled?"
1159
00:56:16,765 --> 00:56:18,765
I actually bought a rape alarm.
1160
00:56:18,845 --> 00:56:20,725
Because I kept on forgetting
when to rape people.
1161
00:56:25,085 --> 00:56:26,565
Is it wrong... You be the judge.
1162
00:56:26,645 --> 00:56:30,765
Is it wrong to call the disabled seating
area of a theater "the cabbage patch"?
1163
00:56:34,765 --> 00:56:37,085
Say what you like
about the Make-A-Wish Foundation,
1164
00:56:37,165 --> 00:56:38,525
they can work to a deadline.
1165
00:56:38,605 --> 00:56:40,605
[audience groans]
1166
00:56:42,925 --> 00:56:45,525
That's an unfortunate response
from some of you,
1167
00:56:45,605 --> 00:56:48,845
because that joke is only there
to warm you up for this joke.
1168
00:56:51,605 --> 00:56:54,445
I think the Make-A-Wish Foundation
should be forced to change their name
1169
00:56:54,525 --> 00:56:55,965
from the Make-A-Wish Foundation
1170
00:56:56,045 --> 00:56:57,525
to the "No, Make Another Wish,
1171
00:56:57,605 --> 00:56:59,925
We Can't Do Anything About That"
Foundation.
1172
00:57:07,685 --> 00:57:08,685
I know.
1173
00:57:10,885 --> 00:57:13,205
If only Africa had more mosquito nets,
1174
00:57:13,285 --> 00:57:15,605
than every year we could save millions...
1175
00:57:16,085 --> 00:57:18,405
of mosquitoes
from dying needlessly of AIDS.
1176
00:57:27,085 --> 00:57:29,325
It's been a pleasure talking to you.
Thank you very much indeed.
1177
00:57:29,405 --> 00:57:31,325
I appreciate it. That's my show.
Cheers, goodnight.
1178
00:57:31,405 --> 00:57:32,965
["The Man" by The Killers plays]
1179
00:57:33,805 --> 00:57:35,965
♪ I got money in the bank ♪
1180
00:57:36,045 --> 00:57:39,245
♪ I got news for you baby
You're looking at the man ♪
1181
00:57:40,565 --> 00:57:42,565
♪ I got skin in the game ♪
1182
00:57:42,645 --> 00:57:44,125
♪ I don't feel no pain ♪
1183
00:57:44,805 --> 00:57:48,085
♪ I got news for you baby
You're looking at the man ♪
1184
00:57:48,165 --> 00:57:50,525
♪ Who's the man? Who's the man? ♪
1185
00:57:50,605 --> 00:57:52,605
♪ I'm the man, I'm the man ♪
1186
00:57:52,685 --> 00:57:56,125
♪ Who's the man with the plan?
I'm the man ♪