1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:10,320 [PEOPLE LAUGHING] 4 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:13,000 ANNOUNCER: Please welcome Jeff Leeson, ladies and gentlemen! 5 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,280 [APPLAUSE] 6 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:16,880 [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] 7 00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:22,240 ♪ Here we go 8 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:25,040 ♪ At the top of the class honor roll 9 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,800 ♪ And it's time to run it up Yeah, you know 10 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,600 ♪ Maxed out put the pedal to the floor 11 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,720 ♪ On a roll Here we go, here we go 12 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,120 ♪ Yeah we winning by a landslide 13 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:37,760 ♪ Never see me coming I'm a land mine 14 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,360 ♪ Yeah, I ain't taking orders in a command like 15 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,800 ♪ Yeah, you 'bout to see me on demand like 16 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,400 ♪ You know I'm the man 17 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,200 ♪ If you ain't know you about to understand 18 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,680 ♪ I got the team by my side right hand 19 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:52,680 ♪ Take it to extreme You ain't seen it like that 20 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:56,240 ♪ And it's the dream And we coming for the bag 21 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:58,320 ♪ And we ain't ever goin' back now 22 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,040 ♪ Future expedited now We on the fast track now 23 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,840 ♪ They won't lend a hand now They see us on the map now 24 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:05,480 ♪ It's time to act out 25 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:06,920 ♪ Here we go 26 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,680 ♪ At the top of the class honor roll 27 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:12,440 ♪ And it's time to run it up Yeah, you know 28 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,120 ♪ Maxed out put the pedal to the floor 29 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:18,120 ♪ On a roll Here we go, here we go 30 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,840 ♪ At the top of the class honor roll 31 00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:23,160 ♪ And It's time to run it up Yeah, you know ♪ 32 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:29,280 ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the stage, Jeff Leeson! 33 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,440 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 34 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,440 What a night! 35 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,080 What a night this has been. 36 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:47,320 Huh? This is huge. 37 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,400 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 38 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,520 This is huge. 39 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,240 Finally, Sarnia, buddy. I made it. 40 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,120 I was just a kid with a dream. 41 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,040 That was all I was. 42 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:03,160 14 years old, just a kid with one dream in his mind, 43 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,760 to someday make it to Sarnia. 44 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:07,160 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 45 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,600 They... 46 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,360 They said it would never happen. 47 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,280 All my friends, they laughed at me. 48 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:16,800 They said never. Maybe Petrolia, if you're good. 49 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:18,720 If you're good. 50 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,720 But you'd better be fucking good. 51 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,480 Uh-uh. Defying the odds, huh? 52 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,160 I'm almost in Port Huron, shit! 53 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:30,520 Oh, boy! 54 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,440 [CHUCKLES] 55 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,120 You guys... Look at you, sir. 56 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,840 This is the worst seat ever. 57 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,560 You got front row and you got to turn your whole neck and shit. 58 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:43,720 Oh, my God. 59 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,520 You're basically in her lap, 60 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,280 but you're kind of with her, but he's trying to get her. 61 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,920 He's up on her, and she's rubbing your back, 62 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,760 and you're eating her pussy, what the fuck? 63 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,440 What's going on at table one, huh? 64 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,160 Oh, shit! 65 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,440 Take it easy, sir. You're gonna have a heart attack. 66 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,520 You're too old for that shit. 67 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:06,560 You're too old to be screaming like that. 68 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,640 [ALL LAUGHING] 69 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:12,000 This guy's beard is amazing. If you get a chance, you gotta take a look. 70 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,560 This part is white, this is piss yellow here. 71 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,560 Oh, that guy pissed in his beard before we got start... 72 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,840 That's why we did this in Sarnia, you understand? That's why. 73 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:27,640 You wanna know why? Get a shot of that fucking guy right there. 74 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:31,760 How you doing, sir? You got a tattoo of a bear claw right on your hand. 75 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,560 I'm probably gonna die tonight. 76 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,760 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 77 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:39,480 That is a murder tattoo, for sure. 78 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,600 How'd you get that one? Did you murder a bear? 79 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,680 "No. I murdered a man. His name was Bear." 80 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,840 What's your name, my friend? What is it? 81 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,600 -Chris! -LEESON: Chris. Nice. 82 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,280 -What's that? -CROWD: Pass! 83 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,000 "Pass"? This isn't a game show. 84 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:58,920 You guys think you're at Family Feud? 85 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:01,800 Who the fuck is this table? 86 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:06,040 "Who are you, Chris?" "Pass! He's an idiot! He'll get it wrong. 87 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,240 "Whatever the question is, it's wrong. 88 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:12,440 "Pass, for fu... He can't even piss in the toilet! 89 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,280 "He pissed on himself. 90 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:16,840 "You think that's the guy we're sending up to the buzzer? 91 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,200 "Fuck you! No way! 92 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,520 "Pass." 93 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:23,680 Is this guy all right? He's passing out already. 94 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,760 Sir, fuck! It's only 9:00, shit! 95 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,480 You should sit up here with this guy. 96 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,040 I don't know what happened to your beard, 97 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,560 but it looks more than piss on there, am I right? 98 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:36,240 [ALL LAUGHING] 99 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,000 How are you two fellas doing? 100 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,440 Hey, you coordinated your shirts for this. 101 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,680 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 102 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,320 How good is that? 103 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,520 Called each other earlier, "Hey, bro. 104 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,160 "What color plaid you going with tonight? 105 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,360 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 106 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,120 "What, are you serious? It's Saturday night, bro. I'm going with the yellow." 107 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,120 "Good, man. I'm gonna go with the white. 108 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,040 "Wouldn't want to go out there matching, looking ridiculous." 109 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,320 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 110 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,320 This guy's so mad. This guy looks pissed. 111 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:13,440 You all right, sir? You're good? 112 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,240 You... What? "I'm living"? 113 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:21,000 [CHUCKLING] That's the best you got, eh? 114 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,040 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 115 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:25,880 Whoa! 116 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,480 That guy really leaned into the "Fuck you!" 117 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:33,200 You've been waiting all night to say "Fuck you" to somebody up here. 118 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,280 "How am I? I'm living. 119 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,200 "Oh, and by the way, fuck you! 120 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,440 "Okay? Fuck you! 121 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,320 "He didn't piss in his beard, 122 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:47,440 "I pissed in his fucking beard! Fuck you! 123 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,000 "'Cause I was angry, 124 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,200 "and I was waiting to say 'Fuck you' to somebody, 125 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,760 "and I was standing at the urinal, 126 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,440 "I said, 'Hey, Pass! Fuck you!' 127 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,880 "I don't know why I jerk myself off while I piss, 128 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,400 "that's just something I do." 129 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,280 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 130 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:06,400 [LAUGHS] 131 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:09,400 The double fuck you. 132 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,760 You guys are sharing beers table to table. 133 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,560 "Should we all get a round?" 134 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,800 "No, no, no. Just get one, pass it around." 135 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,440 What is happening here, is this guy stealing your girl right from behind you? 136 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:27,880 What is happening here? 137 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:32,000 I mean, there seems to be a bit of a sandwich situation going on here. 138 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,880 And now this gentleman, little Harry Potter, got in on the action. 139 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,120 Hey! 140 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,720 What a big night for you, son. 141 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,720 Tonight, you become... Not you, asshole! 142 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,120 You! Harry Potter! 143 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,160 You don't look like Harry Potter. 144 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,520 Jesus Christ. 145 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,360 You look like a fucking... 146 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:55,680 a criminal. 147 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:57,080 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 148 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,880 The tattoo on the neck... What's on your neck? 149 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,080 -What is that? -MAN: It means man friend. 150 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,440 It means "man friend"? 151 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,000 [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] 152 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,920 [ALL LAUGHING] 153 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,800 Oh, my God! 154 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:21,440 You... That's... First of all, that's in Chinese writing. 155 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,760 You could have told me anything. 156 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,320 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 157 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:30,120 I would've believed fucking anything you said. 158 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,520 And you went with "man friend." 159 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:37,520 This, the guy who looks like he has prison tattoos, 160 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:41,000 hugging Harry Potter over here... 161 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:46,120 "Yeah, I went in late one night and I just said, put "man friend" right there. 162 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:49,240 "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't spell it in English, asshole! 163 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,000 "Chinese. So I got to explain it.'" 164 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,040 This lady's got her head in her hands like, 165 00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:01,880 "Oh, fuck! Every weekend with the Goddamn man friend. 166 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,360 "Jesus Christ! 167 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,440 "It was a huge mistake..." 168 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:10,880 This guy stood up. 169 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,560 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 170 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:13,760 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 171 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,200 What's going on, sorry? 172 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:19,320 -WOMAN: It's his birthday! -It's his birthday. 173 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:23,120 This guy here, who didn't even get a spot at the table. 174 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,000 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING] 175 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,760 "Yeah, happy birthday, asshole. Sit behind us." 176 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,520 So what's your name, sir? 177 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,320 -MAN: Chris. -What is it? 178 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,040 Chris! Chris. And today is your birthday, 179 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,240 or this is your birthday celebration? 180 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,560 Birthday celebration. When is your actual birthday, Chris? 181 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,840 Very nice. Well, happy birthday, Chris! 182 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,720 Let's do a little toast right now to Chris. 183 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:53,800 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 184 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,680 Happy birthday. 185 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,520 Your table seems lovely. Are you drinking water? 186 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,520 Fuck, what a huge birthday for you, huh, Chris? 187 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,880 "It's my birthday, I don't wanna get too shitfaced here. 188 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:14,640 "Just bring me water, I'm DD-ing on my birthday." 189 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:18,560 Didn't get a seat at the table and he has to DD his own birthday. 190 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,120 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 191 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,880 MAN: No, Harry Potter's DD. 192 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,320 Harry Potter's DD? 193 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,480 Well, of course. Not old enough to drink. 194 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,000 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 195 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,920 "Hey, Harry! Fucking drive us home, buddy." 196 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,520 What is, uh... What is your deal, sir? 197 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,560 You're... You're a child, obviously. 198 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,560 Is this your father directly behind you there? 199 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,360 You his father, sir? 200 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,480 You didn't know till now or what? 201 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:59,080 "Holy shit, son! I've been looking everywhere for you. 202 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:03,800 "I fucked your mom 14 years ago in Wyoming. Shit. 203 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,360 "I wondered where the hell you been. 204 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,400 "Here you are right in front of me, what are the fucking odds?" 205 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,000 [LAUGHS] 206 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,160 That's great. 207 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,640 What is, uh... 'Cause I'm curious here... 208 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:24,000 'Cause, obviously, we're here for Chris's birthday, right? 209 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,920 And how many people are here for Chris's birthday? 210 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,400 -This table? -[PEOPLE CHEERING] 211 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,200 Oh! 212 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,480 You boys didn't get the invite or what happened? 213 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:32,680 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 214 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,640 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 215 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:38,000 What now? You guys are... Are you guys brothers? 216 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,280 No. Just buddies? 217 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,320 Okay, what's your name, sir? 218 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:43,600 Justin? And your name is? 219 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:46,360 Justin? 220 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:48,520 Oh, Dustin? 221 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:50,000 [ALL LAUGHING] 222 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:51,000 [INDISTINCT] 223 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,440 So you're Justin and Dustin? 224 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,440 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 225 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,360 Yep. 226 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,880 Listen, soulmates come in all kinds of ways. 227 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:11,720 I mean, a soulmate doesn't need to be the person you're fucking, 228 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,040 do you know what I mean? 229 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:18,760 But what a beautiful thing. The two of you were probably at some party somewhere, right? 230 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,040 You're... You're there, you're getting hammered 231 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:24,760 and you, from across the room, you saw another plaid shirt... 232 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:26,600 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 233 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,120 ...with a baseball cap on. 234 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,200 And you thought to yourself, "Well, fuck! Look at that." 235 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,240 He went over and he said, "Hi, I'm Justin." 236 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,200 And he was, like, "No way! 237 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,520 "If you replace the J in your name... 238 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:46,000 "with a D, 239 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:49,840 "you'd have me." 240 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:52,600 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 241 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,480 And a lifelong friendship was born. 242 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,240 The adventures of Justin and Dustin. 243 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,120 And look at the crew you've brought here. 244 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,120 If you guys had your own show, 245 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,600 because that sounds like, I don't know, a TLC show or something, right? 246 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,800 You can go on after the midgets or whatever the fuck is... 247 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,760 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 248 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:24,880 My Small Life, followed by The Adventures Of Justin And Dustin. 249 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,080 Only question is, "What color of plaid are they wearing this week?" 250 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,000 And so this is here... These two guys, 251 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,640 if you guys get big enough on TLC, 252 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:40,560 these two right here, these are security, for sure. 253 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,440 Look at this guy. This guy... This guy shot something today. 254 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:45,800 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 255 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,080 What is your name, sir? 256 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:51,120 -MAN: Dylan. -Dylan. Justin, Dustin, Dylan. 257 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:54,800 And you are? 258 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,000 -What is it? -Amy. 259 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,440 Amy? Thank you for jumping in, Amy. 260 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:06,480 I was talking to this gentleman, but I see how the relationship works now. 261 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,080 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 262 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:15,000 "I'll do the talking, asshole. Okay? 263 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,560 "I'm Amy. 264 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:18,520 "Let's start with me." 265 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,080 That's very nice. And what is your name, sir? 266 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,040 Tony? Nice. 267 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,200 And Tony... And you're with Amy here? 268 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,400 Yeah. And how long have you guys been together? 269 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,720 Long enough that you don't answer your own questions? 270 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,160 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 271 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:36,920 She was gonna answer that one, too. 272 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,320 But, Tony. I love what you did there. 273 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,000 'Cause you stopped and you looked at her. 274 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:43,840 'Cause you were about to tell me 275 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,680 and you thought, "Oh, fuck! I might be wrong. 276 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,320 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 277 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,800 "I don't wanna say eight years if it's been nine. 278 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:56,040 "I don't need that shit. I wanna fuck tonight, Goddamn it! 279 00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:59,680 "That's why I put the tight gray on for this one shit." 280 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,520 Look at that. Some of you bought tickets to the show, 281 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:05,120 but everyone got tickets to the gun show here. 282 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,800 Look at that thing. 283 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,520 Oh, shit, Tony! 284 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:11,400 What a night for you. 285 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,480 So how long have the two of you been together, Amy? 286 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,520 -11 years. -11? Oh, wow! 11 years, wow. 287 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,640 Married? Married to each other 11 years? 288 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,880 What happened there with your hands? 289 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,000 Oh, three. 290 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,720 I don't know what the hell happened. 291 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,040 This guy's pumped, eh? I love this fucking guy. 292 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,000 -[ALL LAUGHING] -This guy's the best. 293 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,240 So three... three years married? 294 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,600 So eight years, uh, dating. 295 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:43,720 And then, you thought, "Hey! This seems like it's going on a long fucking time." 296 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,440 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 297 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,720 At that point, you probably got the questions. 298 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,600 "Hey, what the fuck?" You know what I mean? 299 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,040 From your... from your parents. 300 00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,880 "Is this ever gonna happen or what?" 301 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,920 [ISOLATED LAUGHTER] 302 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,040 Do you know them? They're laughing at you over there. 303 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,920 That was a guy who proposed, like, three months in. 304 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,200 Just bitter as fuck over there. 305 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,320 "I could have waited eight years? 306 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,040 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 307 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,120 "Shit! Could have learned a lot more." 308 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,320 [CHUCKLES] 309 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,840 That's nice. Now, how did the two of you meet each other? 310 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,760 [INDISTINCT] 311 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,560 What's that? 312 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:29,000 High school? You both attended there, or one of you was a teacher? 313 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 314 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,200 What? 315 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,920 It happens, right? 316 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,200 What a beautiful love story. 317 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,200 "How'd you guys meet?" "I was teaching math. 318 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,240 "And she stayed late. 319 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,720 "And I said, 'Hey. What is one... 320 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,440 "'plus one?' 321 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,080 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 322 00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:58,600 "But she didn't know. 323 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,920 "And I thought, 'wow, she's really stupid. 324 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,840 "'Pretty sure I could fuck her.'" 325 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,560 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 326 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:13,320 So you guys met in high school. Were you high school sweethearts? 327 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,040 Is that what happened? You're... 328 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,000 You dated all through high school 329 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,400 and you're, like, "Oh, my God! I will never, in my life, 330 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:24,920 "find anybody like you outside of this high school, ever. 331 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,400 "Let's lock it up." 332 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,520 Is that what happened? 333 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:31,840 I love your passion level for each other. 334 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,520 "Eh... 335 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,680 "Yeah, she got pregnant and I stayed around. Uh..." 336 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,320 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 337 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:41,320 "Does that count? 338 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:43,320 "That counts, right?" 339 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:46,800 [ALL LAUGHING] 340 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,240 Oh, man. 341 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,120 So, sir. 342 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:52,400 My fucking favorite guy ever. 343 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,240 I never did get your name. What is your name? 344 00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,600 -MAN: Spazz. -Spazz? 345 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:01,400 Oh, your name is Spazz? 346 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:03,920 Oh, fuck. 347 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,520 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 348 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:08,880 Nice. Those... Those two guys there, 349 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,440 they just cheered louder than... 350 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,600 than anyone in this place. 351 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,120 They're huge fans of whatever it is you do. 352 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,560 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 353 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,080 Now, here's... Here's the thing, Spazz, is, uh... 354 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,600 [ALL LAUGHING] 355 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,480 Like, 100%, you don't get a name like that, 356 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,560 if you're the chill dude on the couch. 357 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:36,120 [ALL LAUGHING] 358 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,600 So I'm curious how you... 359 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,800 how you got the name, uh, Spazz. 360 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,280 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 361 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,000 'Cause if you didn't get what you wanted, 362 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,080 you would freak out on your grandpa, 363 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,240 and your grandpa called you Spazz? 364 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:55,080 And then, when you grew up to be a man 365 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,160 and people introduced themselves, 366 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,920 you're, like, "Hey, hey. Call me Spazz. 367 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,160 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 368 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:05,440 "And, by the way, if I ever ask you to get me something, 369 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,160 "you better fucking get it! 370 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 371 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,400 "You understand what I'm saying to you right now? 372 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,480 "If I don't see what I ask you for, 373 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,880 "I'll lose my shit! 374 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,480 "You think I won't lose my shit on you? 375 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:20,880 "I'll piss on my own face. 376 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,280 "I'll piss on my own face. 377 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:28,080 "Don't for one second think I won't fuck you up, buddy." 378 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,840 [ALL LAUGHING] 379 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,240 Attaboy, Spazz. 380 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:35,720 Shit, man. 381 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,120 [LAUGHS] 382 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,640 Do you know Justin and Dustin? 383 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,000 No? 384 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,760 You guys gotta have him on your show. 385 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,520 He's the next door neighbor, 386 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,760 and he comes over every episode 387 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,120 and he asks you for something from your fridge, 388 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:54,640 and you don't have it, and he loses his fucking mind. 389 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,920 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 390 00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,560 "Hey, man. I'm out of cheese." "We don't have cheese." 391 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,920 "What the fuck are you talking about? 392 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:06,440 "You kidding me? You don't have fucking cheese? This is bullshit, 393 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,600 [MIMICS SPRAYING] 394 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,880 "Get some fucking cheese in here next time!" 395 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,560 [ALL LAUGHING] 396 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:17,280 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 397 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:26,160 And this guy here. Sir? Huge fan of you, too. 398 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,400 As much as I'm a fan of Spazz, 399 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,200 what you've done with the jean jacket here... 400 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,160 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 401 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:36,240 But let me tell you what I'm more impressed with, okay? 402 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,480 'Cause, first of all, you've gotta have that jean jacket 403 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,080 in a closet somewhere, right? 404 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,720 So you went to your closet to get ready tonight, 405 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,120 and you had the jeans and the T-shirt already on, 406 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,840 and you said, "You know what? Not enough. 407 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,600 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 408 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,680 "We're going out. It's Chris's birthday. 409 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,080 "Spazz is gonna be there. 410 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:53,720 "I better look fucking good!" 411 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,440 Now, I'm impressed by the jean jacket. 412 00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:00,320 What I'm more impressed with is this. 413 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,560 What's happening here, the mustache. 414 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,760 Perfectly shaved. 415 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:08,520 Absolutely smooth as a baby's ass on both sides. 416 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:12,080 But this fucking thing across here, like Tom Selleck. 417 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,000 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 418 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,320 Just hangs down a little bit. 419 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,880 Right? Just so you can go home later tonight, 420 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,360 give the lady the ol' Swiffer WetJet, huh? 421 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,360 -Yeah, buddy. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 422 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,880 Feel a little tickle. 423 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,480 Little tickles. This her? Look how happy she is. 424 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,040 Oh, yeah. 425 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:33,800 That's right. 426 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:37,160 She needs a buffer zone so she doesn't grab your cock right away. 427 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:38,600 Good for you. 428 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,200 Let's get home so we can use that fucking thing. 429 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,840 [ALL LAUGHING] 430 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:44,720 Just a little bit of denim for friction. 431 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:45,760 That's beautiful. 432 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:50,920 How are you, sir? Are you good? 433 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,000 -Just fine! -Just fine? 434 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,040 I like that. Nice little simple answer. 435 00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,680 MAN: I got my wife with me, that's why. 436 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,920 Aw. 437 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,240 She just get outta prison or something, what? 438 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,160 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 439 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,080 -What is your name, sir? -Pete. 440 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,080 Pete? Oh, yeah. You look like a Pete, too. 441 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,480 Doesn't he look like a Pete? 442 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,200 Look at those rosy fucking cheeks he's got. 443 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:18,800 Every Pete you've ever met's got a pair of cheeks like "That guy's so happy." 444 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,000 And, Pete, what is your... your wife's name here? 445 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,000 What's your name, ma'am? 446 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,120 -Lowell. -What is it? 447 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,800 Lowell. 448 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,400 -One more time. -WOMAN: Lowell! 449 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,000 -Lowell? -CROWD: Yeah! 450 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:31,760 Lowell? 451 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,320 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 452 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:34,520 Okay. 453 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,240 That's... 454 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:40,520 That's a first name, or that's a nickname, or a last name? 455 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:42,760 That's your first name. 456 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,600 So when you guys get introduced, 457 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:46,920 you're Pete, 458 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:48,480 and this is Lowell. 459 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,120 How... How many... 460 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:57,600 How many tries does it take for people, usually, to get that? 461 00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,600 -At least three. -At least three? Yeah. 462 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:03,720 They hear Laura first and you go, "No, no, no, no, no. 463 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,360 "Lowell." 464 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,520 "I'm sorry. Lola?" 465 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:09,560 "Are you... What are you, fucking stupid? No. 466 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:12,600 "Low. Say low." 467 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:15,240 "Low." "Now say the fucking L." 468 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:17,320 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 469 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,760 "L." "Put 'em together, asshole." 470 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,080 "Low-ell." 471 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,440 -That's how I do it. -Is it? 472 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,520 And then Pete goes second? 473 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:28,160 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 474 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,200 Takes 25 minutes to get your name out of the way. 475 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,440 Pete crushes two beers, then comes in, 476 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,400 "Yeah, by the way, I'm Pete." 477 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:39,520 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 478 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,920 "Thank God you were here, Pete. That was getting confusing as shit." 479 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,360 That's great. What do you do, Pete? Do you work? 480 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:51,320 -Not anymore. -Not anymore. 481 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,000 Attaboy. You got fired, did you? 482 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:54,720 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 483 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:57,760 No, disability. 484 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:00,840 Disability? Oh, okay. What... What happened? 485 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,440 -Back. -[LEESON] Back? Attaboy, Pete. 486 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,440 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 487 00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:07,880 That could be anything. How can you prove it, right? 488 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,920 Attaboy, Pete! Shit! 489 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:13,800 Yeah, buddy! 490 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,280 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 491 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:17,760 Good for you, Pete. 492 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,320 -Painkillers. -What's that? 493 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,000 CROWD: Painkillers! 494 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,800 -[SNORTS] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 495 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,480 [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] 496 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,200 We're gonna use that in the promo for this show. 497 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:37,080 The trailer's gonna start with you. 498 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:38,680 "Painkillers." 499 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,440 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 500 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,520 I... I love two things that you've done, sir. 501 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,120 First of all, is the tan. 502 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:48,320 Very tanned. 503 00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:51,480 Second thing is you wore the white golf shirt 504 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:54,080 with just a hint of fluorescent green. 505 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,640 Right? Just a hint of it under the arms. 506 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:02,280 You're like, "You know what? I don't wanna go with the full white 507 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:03,880 "'cause I might stick out. 508 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:09,000 "And I don't wanna wear a full fluorescent green shirt 509 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,080 "because I might look like an idiot. 510 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:17,160 "So if there's any fucking way that I can just get the little horse in fluorescent green, 511 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:21,280 "with two fluorescent green stripes, right there on my arms, 512 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:25,520 "and I'll get the tan so they really fucking pop!" 513 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:27,720 -That's brilliant, sir. Yeah, look how... -[WOMAN HOOTING] 514 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:30,000 What a fan that lady is. 515 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,040 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 516 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,000 One of three single ladies at that table 517 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,400 going nuts for the guy in the tan, fluorescent... 518 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,080 No, no. I know he's taken. Rela... 519 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:41,600 Wow, she got aggressive there. 520 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:46,040 "I don't fucking think so, okay? 521 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:50,920 "The fluorescent green and the arms come home with me, thank you." 522 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,600 -We're just newlywed, come on. -Are you guys newlyweds? Aw. 523 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:56,000 How beautiful. 524 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,000 [CHUCKLES] That's why she still cares. 525 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,400 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 526 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:03,200 "Not now. We're newlyweds, bro. That's why. 527 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,200 "Talk to us 20 years from now, she'll just push me and say fuck off." 528 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:08,280 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 529 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:10,840 That's beautiful, man. What's your name? 530 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:12,800 -Gary. -Gary? 531 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,600 Nice, And your name is Mary? 532 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,320 Like Justin and Dustin? 533 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:20,880 -No? -Stacy. 534 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:23,040 Stacy, okay. Gary and Stacy. 535 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,600 That's very nice. And, so, you're newlywed, so... 536 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:27,800 [WOMAN CHEERING] 537 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:30,560 Was she at the wedding? 538 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:33,200 Was she? Yeah, yeah. 539 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:36,560 Oh, yeah. I see why you're not sitting with her. 540 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,680 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 541 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,160 A little aggressive, huh? 542 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,360 Yeah. Was it a destination wedding 543 00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:46,240 and you were hoping she wouldn't show up? 544 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:49,800 "Let's make it a destination. I don't think she has enough money to get to Mexico." 545 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:53,520 She RSVP'd first. "Oh, fuck!" 546 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,480 Right in the middle of the first dance, she stood up, 547 00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:01,320 "[SCREAMS] You guys look great together!" 548 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,760 Did you wear a little fluorescent, uh, bowtie? 549 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,520 Green fluorescent. 550 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:09,080 Green fluorescent bowtie... at the wedding? 551 00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,280 No. You're just fucking with me now. 552 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,000 Thanks, Gary. 553 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:18,640 "Yes, I did. No, I didn't. Gotcha! 554 00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:21,720 "Brought my own jokes to this one." 555 00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:23,800 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 556 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,480 Newlyweds... How long did you date before that? 557 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:30,840 -Seven years. -LEESON: Seven years! 558 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,800 Shit! Almost like Tony and Amy. 559 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:37,920 You pulled the trigger a year before that guy did. 560 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,280 Spazz, how you doing, buddy? 561 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,640 Can I get you anything? We don't want a situation. 562 00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,200 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 563 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:51,840 -Two beers! -Two beers? 564 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:54,600 Can we get these guys two beers? 565 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:56,000 [CHEERING] 566 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:59,000 No, not you. 567 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,720 Not you. I'm not taking fucking orders. 568 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,320 This guy's name is Spazz. 569 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,000 You gotta make sure he's okay. 570 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,840 You work on computers in your mother's basement. This guy... 571 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,320 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 572 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:11,760 ...freaks the fuck out. 573 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,360 [ALL LAUGHING] 574 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:22,760 MAN: Grandma's basement. 575 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,040 -What's that? -MAN: Grandma's basement. 576 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,120 Oh, grandmother's basement. 577 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:29,240 Wow. [LAUGHS] 578 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:32,720 Of course. That way, you can jerk off to the porn, and she won't hear you. 579 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,200 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 580 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:36,280 That's way better, yeah. 581 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:42,920 Look at all these people who had to take a shit. 582 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:48,640 They didn't give us an intermission before this, huh? 583 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:50,840 Everybody's gotta take a mid-show shit. 584 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:54,320 [ALL LAUGHING] 585 00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,840 Everybody at this table just started looking at each other. 586 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:00,320 [GROANS] 587 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:04,320 "Anybody else feel those appetizers or..." 588 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,160 [ALL LAUGHING] 589 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:08,880 Nobody wanted to be the one. [GROANS] 590 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,440 "What if we just all got up together? 591 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:12,760 "Now, let's do it." 592 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,360 How are you, sir? This guy. Look how beautiful this guy is. 593 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:20,080 This... What a pretty man, he is, eh? 594 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,920 Pete, you gotta be pissed off being so close to this guy. 595 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:25,200 Look at how handsome you are, huh? 596 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,560 What is your name, sir? Let me... 597 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:27,880 Dylan? Is it Dylan? 598 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:29,760 -No? -Jeremy! 599 00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,760 Jeremy. Yeah, well... Same... 600 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,040 -What's that? -[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 601 00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:38,120 She's... Who? 602 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:40,080 -She's the pretty one. -LEESON: She's the pretty one. 603 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:42,880 Yeah, yeah. You got to say that, but we all know it's you. 604 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:45,880 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 605 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,400 That's great. And, Jeremy, what do you... 606 00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,720 What do you do, man? Do you... Do you model at all? 607 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:55,840 -Part-time. -Part-time model. 608 00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:59,320 And what do you do the other... the other times? 609 00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:01,200 -What's that? -Sun Life. 610 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,400 Sun Life? Like, you... 611 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:05,200 you go out in the sun? 612 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:10,000 Just to tan, so you can look good for the modeling. 613 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:12,560 "Yeah, I'm a part-time model, 614 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:14,120 "full-time in the sun." 615 00:29:14,720 --> 00:29:17,120 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 616 00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:19,440 So Sun Life is a... is financial. 617 00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:21,480 You give people financial advice? 618 00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:23,680 -I got life insurance. -Life insurance. 619 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:26,640 Yeah, shit. Who doesn't wanna look at that pearly face, 620 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:28,880 with those beautiful white teeth 621 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,640 while you're talking about what happens when you die? 622 00:29:31,640 --> 00:29:33,120 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 623 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:35,280 No wonder they stick you with those people. 624 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:38,160 "Now, listen. We all die. 625 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:40,880 [MIMICS DINGING] 626 00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:43,320 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 627 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:49,040 "But when you're gone, don't you want somebody to take care of 628 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:51,600 "all of your shit? 629 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,200 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 630 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,400 "No, I'm suggesting... 631 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:57,920 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 632 00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:01,360 "...that you look at these financial plans for Sun Life." 633 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:07,000 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 634 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:15,280 Sir? In the, uh... 635 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:17,680 What was your... What was your name? Did we ever get your name? 636 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:19,680 No, just the Magnum P.I. there. 637 00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:21,600 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 638 00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:23,160 If whatever... What is it? 639 00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:25,240 -It's a porn-stash. -It's a porn-stash. 640 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:27,520 Yeah. For sure, it is. 641 00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:29,840 Like, not from this era of porn, but from... 642 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:31,640 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 643 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:35,520 Yeah, like from an era of porn, for sure. 644 00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:37,480 Hey, you got your beer, buddy. Yeah! 645 00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:39,720 That's good. What's that? 646 00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:41,840 Did I pay for those beers? 647 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:44,240 No. No. 648 00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:47,360 No, I didn't order them from you. 649 00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:49,760 I ordered them for Spazz. 650 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:51,600 Because he freaks the fuck out. 651 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,080 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 652 00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:55,320 Doesn't anybody understand this? 653 00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:59,080 I'm not getting you three beers, asshole! Okay? 654 00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:01,760 I understand your grandma gave you pocket money tonight, 655 00:31:01,760 --> 00:31:03,160 but that's not what it's about. 656 00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:07,600 "Hey, before you go out, here's $40. 657 00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:10,680 "That'll get you 18 beers." 658 00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:12,160 "No, Grandma. It won't. 659 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:14,360 "It's not 1940." 660 00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:19,280 I'm just fucking with you, man. What's your name? 661 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:20,560 -Jesse. -LEESON: What is it? 662 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:22,280 -Jesse. -LEESON: Jesse? Nice. 663 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,080 And are you from Sarnia here? 664 00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:26,880 -Sadly. -Sadly? [CHUCKLES] 665 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:28,400 [AUDIENCE BOOING] 666 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:29,840 Yeah! Right? 667 00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:31,520 -Uh-oh. Oh! -[BOOING INTENSIFIES] 668 00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:34,720 MAN: Go back to the basement! 669 00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,240 That's... That's... 670 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:38,720 [ALL LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 671 00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:40,920 Jesus! What a new low, Jesse. 672 00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:43,120 Getting heckled from a guy on TLC. 673 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,000 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 674 00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:52,320 "Go back to the basement!" 675 00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:54,080 [ALL LAUGHING] 676 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:58,440 You could have your own show called Go Back To The Basement. 677 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:04,160 Every episode, you hit on girls, they say no, and then, what do you do? 678 00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:06,200 You go back to the basement, jerk off. 679 00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:08,360 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 680 00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:14,840 Spazz, buddy, fuck... 681 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:17,040 God, this guy's a legend. 682 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:19,240 Look, how... You're a young kid, right? 683 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:20,360 You're young? 684 00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:21,920 -WOMAN: That's his son. -That's his son? 685 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:23,720 Spazz Junior? 686 00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:25,800 [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 687 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:29,360 Nice. 688 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:31,360 This guy... Look, you can tell he's your son, too. 689 00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:34,640 -He's intense in the eyes. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 690 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:38,680 He's intense. He's like, "What's this fucking asshole gonna say to me? 691 00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:41,240 "What's he gonna say right now, 'cause I don't wanna hear it. 692 00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:42,680 "I'll Spazz the fuck out! 693 00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:45,320 "You know who my dad is? 694 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:49,240 "No wonder it's two beers. One of them better be for me. 695 00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:52,840 "I'm not old enough to drink it but security doesn't even check my ID 696 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,760 "'cause I'll Spazz the fuck out!" 697 00:32:57,240 --> 00:32:59,040 Is that really... That's really your son? Nice! 698 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:00,680 This is the other son! 699 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:02,680 This is your other son? 700 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:05,520 Oh, shit! You don't like him as much? You made him sit at another table. 701 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:07,240 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING] 702 00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:11,080 He doesn't Spazz out quite as hard or what? 703 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:14,200 "That was, like, a mediocre Spazz. 704 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,640 "You know what? When we go to this thing on Saturday, 705 00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:19,240 "you can go sit at the birthday table. 706 00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:21,480 "Take Chris's spot, where he was supposed to be." 707 00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:22,840 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 708 00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:28,080 I don't know how many of you know this, 709 00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:30,880 but I started doing this at 14 years old. 710 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,640 I started doing stand-up at 14 years old with just a dream. 711 00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:36,400 It was just... 712 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:39,840 I grew up in London and it was just a dream of doing stand-up 713 00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:43,880 and, one day, making it the hour and a bit down the 402 to Sarnia. 714 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:45,720 -And... -[AUDIENCE CHEERING] 715 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:52,040 -No, but, uh... -[CHEERING CONTINUES] 716 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:54,280 No. But, in all honesty, it was a dream, 717 00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:57,640 and when you're 14 years old and you go to your mom and you say, 718 00:33:57,640 --> 00:33:59,560 "Mom, I know what I wanna do with my life. 719 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:01,640 "I wanna be a stand-up comedian." 720 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:03,880 For any parent, I don't know how many people in here are parents, 721 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:07,240 but for any parent, to hear that your child wants to do something 722 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:10,600 in a career, in a field that's very unsteady, 723 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:12,640 it's unstable, it's unpredictable, 724 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:16,080 you don't know what the hell is gonna happen, it's very difficult. 725 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:19,040 And she didn't try to talk me out of it for one fucking second. 726 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,760 Not a second. She said, "That? That's what you wanna do? How do we do that?" 727 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,880 And, at 14 years old, this lady picked me up... 728 00:34:25,880 --> 00:34:28,680 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 729 00:34:30,240 --> 00:34:31,600 Yeah. 730 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:38,360 Grew up in London. There wasn't a huge comedy scene going on in London. 731 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:41,640 And she would pick me up every day after school 732 00:34:41,640 --> 00:34:44,840 and she would drive, we would go to Hamilton, Niagara Falls, Toronto. 733 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:48,400 We would go all over the place just to do five minutes of this. 734 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,200 Just to get up on stage, 735 00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:53,920 and do five minutes of what, back then, was shitty fucking comedy. 736 00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:55,720 It was bad, okay? 737 00:34:55,720 --> 00:34:58,760 And that's a tough thing to do, is to bomb in front of your mother 738 00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:01,560 and then have to share a two-hour car ride home... 739 00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:03,600 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] 740 00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:08,400 ...with her being, like, "Are you... You're sure you wanna do this, right?" 741 00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:12,080 I'm, like, "Yeah." But she never, one time, not even for a second, 742 00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:16,360 did she ever tell me to quit, to stop, to not keep going. 743 00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:20,640 And I'm telling you right now, none of this would be possible without that woman. 744 00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:23,480 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 745 00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:31,720 Even when I gave up on myself, she was always right there to say, 746 00:35:31,720 --> 00:35:34,160 "Hey, you know what? You're funny. Just keep going. 747 00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:36,080 "We'll learn this. We'll learn how to do this. 748 00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:38,120 "Keep going, do as many shows as you can, 749 00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:41,240 "go anywhere that you can, do as many things as you can. 750 00:35:41,240 --> 00:35:42,320 "We'll get better." 751 00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:44,080 -And we... -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] 752 00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:46,160 ...tried. And, so, anybody out there, 753 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:49,320 if there's a young comedian out there, if there's a young person with a dream, 754 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:51,840 whatever that is, don't ever, first of all, 755 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:55,440 don't fucking ever let someone tell you you're not gonna do it. 756 00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:58,160 I had the owner of the most successful chain 757 00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:03,680 of comedy clubs in all of Canada call me when I was 18 years old, four years into my dream, 758 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:07,200 and he told me, "You will never be a success in this business 759 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:09,360 "and you should probably do something else." 760 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:11,360 And I didn't listen at all. 761 00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:13,200 And thanks to people like my mom... 762 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:14,880 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 763 00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:19,200 So, if there is a person out there 764 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:21,520 who is trying to do this for a living, 765 00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:23,600 or you're trying to be a musician, 766 00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:26,680 or you're trying to be a fucking sculptor, or an artist, 767 00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:28,600 or you have a dream of just living 768 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:30,280 in your grandmother's basement your whole life, 769 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:33,560 I don't give a fuck what your dream is, 770 00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:37,760 don't you ever let someone tell you that you can't or you won't, 771 00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:41,440 because if you know inside yourself that you have what it takes, 772 00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:45,120 and you know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get there, 773 00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,440 you will fucking get there one way or another, 774 00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:48,880 I swear to you right now. 775 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:51,080 So keep going. This is for anybody with a dream. 776 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:53,160 Just keep going. 777 00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,520 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 778 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:02,200 Lastly, I just wanna say this, uh... 779 00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:06,160 This is a very... This has been an incredible night for me. 780 00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:09,800 This has been just such an amazing time, and such... 781 00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,440 You guys have been unbelievable. 782 00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:15,760 So I want to thank you guys, obviously, for coming out to this. 783 00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:20,560 But... what an amazing night this has been and, uh... 784 00:37:20,560 --> 00:37:24,440 This has been a very interesting week and a very weird week, 785 00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:28,280 because two days ago, the comedy world lost a legend. 786 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:30,560 Don Rickles died two days... two days ago. 787 00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:34,360 And Don Rickles, uh... 788 00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:36,880 Don Rickles, for those of you... Some of you know him. 789 00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:39,480 Harry Potter, I'm sure you don't. You're a little young, but... 790 00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:41,240 [ALL LAUGHING] 791 00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:42,600 A lot of you know who he was. 792 00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:44,280 Don Rickles was a fucking legend, 793 00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:45,760 but here's the thing about Don Rickles. 794 00:37:45,760 --> 00:37:48,160 He did a lot with the crowd. He went into the crowd. 795 00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:49,880 And, people, in his early career... 796 00:37:49,880 --> 00:37:52,120 I watched interview after interview with this guy, 797 00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:54,480 and in his early days of his career, 798 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,760 a lot of club owners, a lot of tour managers, 799 00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,600 a lot of agents told him, "You'll never make it with that style. 800 00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:02,720 "You can't do it with that style. That style's not gonna fly." 801 00:38:02,720 --> 00:38:05,400 He was fired from clubs because of that style, 802 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:07,880 and he never quit, and he just kept going. 803 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:09,600 And I saw an interview where he said, 804 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:12,440 "If you're different, if you're fucking different, 805 00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:16,360 "you have a chance at this business if you're different." 806 00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:18,640 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 807 00:38:18,640 --> 00:38:21,680 I never met the man, but what he did for me in that moment... 808 00:38:21,680 --> 00:38:25,600 There has been times where club owners and managers and people have told me, 809 00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:27,920 "You know what, man? you can't just go off the cuff. 810 00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:30,120 "You can't just go into the crowd. 811 00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:34,040 "You can't just make a whole show out of just the people. You need something more." 812 00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:37,160 I've been fired from clubs, I've been not booked at clubs, 813 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:39,800 I've been taken out of things because of that style. 814 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:42,440 And an interview with Don Rickles where he said, 815 00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:44,440 "If you be different, you have a chance." 816 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:47,120 It made me start to think, "Wow, what if?" 817 00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:50,440 What if I could do that? What if I could just come out 818 00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:52,560 and I didn't need to be like everybody else. 819 00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:55,280 What if I didn't need to come out and tell you guys 820 00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:57,920 fucking jokes that I told people last night, 821 00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:00,400 and the night before that, and the night before that? 822 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,360 What if I came out... 823 00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:05,040 [AUDIENCE CHEERING] 824 00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:09,240 ...and I just asked you a couple of fucking questions, 825 00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:12,440 and then we went on a story and we found out so much. 826 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:15,320 We found out about this guy who's been pissed off all night, 827 00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:18,200 who's been sitting there, waiting for somebody to mention something 828 00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,000 so he could flip someone off once, 829 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:21,920 and then give him a second middle finger, 830 00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:25,160 just to be sure that they were safe, and tell him to fuck off. 831 00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:28,280 And, all the while, he's the guy that pissed on this guy's beard 832 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:29,920 because he's been so angry. 833 00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:32,080 What if I could come out and I could talk to a guy 834 00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:34,440 in a jean jacket and a T-shirt and some jeans, 835 00:39:34,440 --> 00:39:36,680 with a Magnum P.I. mustache 836 00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:41,000 that he's gonna go home and treat his wife to a little Swiffer WetJet later on? 837 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,600 What if I could do that? What if we could talk about this guy 838 00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:47,320 who's on fucking disability because he said that his back hurt one time, 839 00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:49,640 and him and his wife have a confusing fucking time, 840 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:53,840 because her name is weird and his name is very, very easy. 841 00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:55,880 He's Pete, she's Lowell. 842 00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:59,600 But they gotta spend an hour and a half going through what the fuck the name is? 843 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:02,120 What if I could do that? What if I could talk to Jeremy, 844 00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,360 who's the most beautiful man I've ever seen, 845 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:10,640 who sells millions and millions of dollars' worth of Sun Life financial insurance, 846 00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:15,600 and on the part-time, he models for Calvin Klein and Walmart 847 00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:18,400 and all these fucking companies that he then turns around 848 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:21,760 and sells life insurance to every one of their employees? 849 00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:24,760 What if I could talk to Justin and Dustin, 850 00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:28,440 and Tony and Amy, who have been married for three years 851 00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:31,800 but together for eight, because Tony wouldn't pull the fucking trigger 852 00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:33,440 and she kept pressuring him, going, 853 00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:36,160 "Tony! I get it. You like the tight shirts. 854 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:40,360 "Stop buying them and buy me a fucking ring, you piece of shit! 855 00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:43,320 "It's been eight fucking years, Tony! 856 00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:46,080 "Put a ring on it, you motherfucker!" 857 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,240 What if I could do that, huh? 858 00:40:48,240 --> 00:40:52,360 What if I could talk to Justin and Dustin who met at a party, 859 00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:54,720 and they were both wearing different colored plaid, 860 00:40:54,720 --> 00:40:56,880 with a hat on their head and they said, 861 00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:01,120 "Hey, I think we're soulmates for life. Let's go everywhere together. 862 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:04,120 "Let's get our buddy who shot something earlier today." 863 00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:07,920 He shot himself in the foot. He probably shot his dick off three years ago 864 00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:11,280 because he got hammered at a party with Justin and Dustin 865 00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:15,400 when they sold their show to TLC and celebrated a little too hard. 866 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:19,120 And then there's the guy right here who does their fucking taxes, for sure. 867 00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:23,440 What if I could talk to this guy who got the worst seat in the fucking house, 868 00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:26,480 but he's stealing this guy's girl right in front of him 869 00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:29,520 by giving her the cold shoulder all fucking night? 870 00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:33,800 And what he doesn't know is that he had that tattoo imprinted on his neck 871 00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:37,760 by a prisoner who did it with his cock to say "man friend" 872 00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:41,040 because he just wanted him to remember where he was. 873 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:44,400 What if I could talk to Harry fucking Potter over there, 874 00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:47,520 who's getting hugged by a former Goddamn criminal, 875 00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,800 feeling uncomfortable, because if this guy doesn't get what he wants, 876 00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:52,920 he knows he's gonna fuck him later tonight. 877 00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:54,760 [ALL LAUGHING] 878 00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:57,160 What if I could talk to Gary and Mary 879 00:41:57,160 --> 00:41:58,760 or whatever the fuck your name was, 880 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:01,880 who got married seven years into a relationship 881 00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:05,280 because they heard about a couple that waited eight fucking years to do it 882 00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:07,920 and they didn't wanna be pieces of shit like that? 883 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:12,120 And what if I was Gary, who brought my own joke to this Goddamn thing and said, 884 00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:14,920 "Yeah, I was wearing a fluorescent green bowtie on my wedding. 885 00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:17,120 "Psych! No, I wasn't, asshole!" 886 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:19,760 And he's the most fucking tan guy in the place. 887 00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:22,280 What if I could do that? What would that look like? 888 00:42:22,280 --> 00:42:26,160 What if i came to a town that I've been coming to for ten years 889 00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:28,720 and, right there, right in the front row, 890 00:42:28,720 --> 00:42:31,080 was a fucking legend named Spazz? 891 00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:34,080 What if that happened? 892 00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:38,000 What if that happened, huh? What would that look like? 893 00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:39,240 What if he was there? 894 00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:42,520 Spazz, and Spazz Junior, and Spazz The Third, 895 00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:44,400 who doesn't Spazz out hard enough, 896 00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:46,280 so he's gotta sit at the fuck table 897 00:42:46,280 --> 00:42:48,640 with the guy who got fucked out of his own birthday 898 00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:50,280 and the guy who's going home to jerk off 899 00:42:50,280 --> 00:42:53,040 in his grandmother's basement, for God's sake! 900 00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:54,480 It would probably look like that! 901 00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:58,160 You guys have been amazing! Thank you so much! 902 00:42:58,160 --> 00:43:00,200 I appreciate it. Thank you! 903 00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:03,040 [AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 904 00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:18,160 ANNOUNCER: Jeff Leeson, everybody! 905 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:19,680 Let him hear it, everybody! 906 00:43:26,760 --> 00:43:28,320 ♪ Here we go 907 00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:31,120 ♪ At the top of the class Honor Roll 908 00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,920 ♪ And It's time to run it up Yeah you know 909 00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:36,600 ♪ Maxed out Put the pedal to the floor 910 00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:38,720 ♪ On a roll Here we go, here we go 911 00:43:38,720 --> 00:43:41,120 ♪ Yeah we winning By a landslide 912 00:43:41,120 --> 00:43:43,640 ♪ Never see me coming I'm a land mine 913 00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:46,720 ♪ Yeah, I ain't taking orders In a command like 914 00:43:46,720 --> 00:43:49,000 ♪ You bout to see me On demand like 915 00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:50,560 ♪ You know I'm the man 916 00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:53,360 ♪ If you ain't know You about to understand 917 00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:55,840 ♪ I got the team by my side Right hand 918 00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,640 ♪ Take it to extreme You ain't seen it like that 919 00:43:58,640 --> 00:44:02,320 ♪ And it's the dream And we coming for the bag 920 00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:04,280 ♪ And we ain't ever Goin' back now 921 00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:07,120 ♪ Future expedited now We on the fast track now 922 00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:10,000 ♪ They won't lend a hand now They see us on the map now 923 00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:11,520 ♪ It's time to act out 924 00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:13,040 ♪ Here we go 925 00:44:13,040 --> 00:44:15,720 ♪ At the top of the class Honor Roll 926 00:44:15,720 --> 00:44:18,440 ♪ And it's time to run it up Yeah you know 927 00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:21,240 ♪ Maxed out Put the pedal to the floor 928 00:44:21,240 --> 00:44:24,160 ♪ On a roll Here we go, here we go 929 00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:26,800 ♪ At the top of the class Honor Roll 930 00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:29,680 ♪ And it's time to run it up Yeah you know 931 00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:32,400 ♪ Maxed out Put the pedal to the floor 932 00:44:32,400 --> 00:44:34,520 ♪ On a roll Here we go, here we go ♪