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[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
ANNOUNCER: Please welcome Jeff Leeson, ladies and gentlemen!
[APPLAUSE]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Here we go
♪ At the top of the class honor roll
♪ And it's time to run it up Yeah, you know
♪ Maxed out put the pedal to the floor
♪ On a roll Here we go, here we go
♪ Yeah we winning by a landslide
♪ Never see me coming I'm a land mine
♪ Yeah, I ain't taking orders in a command like
♪ Yeah, you 'bout to see me on demand like
♪ You know I'm the man
♪ If you ain't know you about to understand
♪ I got the team by my side right hand
♪ Take it to extreme You ain't seen it like that
♪ And it's the dream And we coming for the bag
♪ And we ain't ever goin' back now
♪ Future expedited now We on the fast track now
♪ They won't lend a hand now They see us on the map now
♪ It's time to act out
♪ Here we go
♪ At the top of the class honor roll
♪ And it's time to run it up Yeah, you know
♪ Maxed out put the pedal to the floor
♪ On a roll Here we go, here we go
♪ At the top of the class honor roll
♪ And It's time to run it up Yeah, you know ♪
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the stage, Jeff Leeson!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
What a night!
What a night this has been.
Huh? This is huge.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
This is huge.
Finally, Sarnia, buddy. I made it.
I was just a kid with a dream.
That was all I was.
14 years old, just a kid with one dream in his mind,
to someday make it to Sarnia.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
They...
They said it would never happen.
All my friends, they laughed at me.
They said never. Maybe Petrolia, if you're good.
If you're good.
But you'd better be fucking good.
Uh-uh. Defying the odds, huh?
I'm almost in Port Huron, shit!
Oh, boy!
[CHUCKLES]
You guys... Look at you, sir.
This is the worst seat ever.
You got front row and you got to turn your whole neck and shit.
Oh, my God.
You're basically in her lap,
but you're kind of with her, but he's trying to get her.
He's up on her, and she's rubbing your back,
and you're eating her pussy, what the fuck?
What's going on at table one, huh?
Oh, shit!
Take it easy, sir. You're gonna have a heart attack.
You're too old for that shit.
You're too old to be screaming like that.
[ALL LAUGHING]
This guy's beard is amazing. If you get a chance, you gotta take a look.
This part is white, this is piss yellow here.
Oh, that guy pissed in his beard before we got start...
That's why we did this in Sarnia, you understand? That's why.
You wanna know why? Get a shot of that fucking guy right there.
How you doing, sir? You got a tattoo of a bear claw right on your hand.
I'm probably gonna die tonight.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That is a murder tattoo, for sure.
How'd you get that one? Did you murder a bear?
"No. I murdered a man. His name was Bear."
What's your name, my friend? What is it?
-Chris! -LEESON: Chris. Nice.
-What's that? -CROWD: Pass!
"Pass"? This isn't a game show.
You guys think you're at Family Feud?
Who the fuck is this table?
"Who are you, Chris?" "Pass! He's an idiot! He'll get it wrong.
"Whatever the question is, it's wrong.
"Pass, for fu... He can't even piss in the toilet!
"He pissed on himself.
"You think that's the guy we're sending up to the buzzer?
"Fuck you! No way!
"Pass."
Is this guy all right? He's passing out already.
Sir, fuck! It's only 9:00, shit!
You should sit up here with this guy.
I don't know what happened to your beard,
but it looks more than piss on there, am I right?
[ALL LAUGHING]
How are you two fellas doing?
Hey, you coordinated your shirts for this.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
How good is that?
Called each other earlier, "Hey, bro.
"What color plaid you going with tonight?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"What, are you serious? It's Saturday night, bro. I'm going with the yellow."
"Good, man. I'm gonna go with the white.
"Wouldn't want to go out there matching, looking ridiculous."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
This guy's so mad. This guy looks pissed.
You all right, sir? You're good?
You... What? "I'm living"?
[CHUCKLING] That's the best you got, eh?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
Whoa!
That guy really leaned into the "Fuck you!"
You've been waiting all night to say "Fuck you" to somebody up here.
"How am I? I'm living.
"Oh, and by the way, fuck you!
"Okay? Fuck you!
"He didn't piss in his beard,
"I pissed in his fucking beard! Fuck you!
"'Cause I was angry,
"and I was waiting to say 'Fuck you' to somebody,
"and I was standing at the urinal,
"I said, 'Hey, Pass! Fuck you!'
"I don't know why I jerk myself off while I piss,
"that's just something I do."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
[LAUGHS]
The double fuck you.
You guys are sharing beers table to table.
"Should we all get a round?"
"No, no, no. Just get one, pass it around."
What is happening here, is this guy stealing your girl right from behind you?
What is happening here?
I mean, there seems to be a bit of a sandwich situation going on here.
And now this gentleman, little Harry Potter, got in on the action.
Hey!
What a big night for you, son.
Tonight, you become... Not you, asshole!
You! Harry Potter!
You don't look like Harry Potter.
Jesus Christ.
You look like a fucking...
a criminal.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The tattoo on the neck... What's on your neck?
-What is that? -MAN: It means man friend.
It means "man friend"?
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
Oh, my God!
You... That's... First of all, that's in Chinese writing.
You could have told me anything.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I would've believed fucking anything you said.
And you went with "man friend."
This, the guy who looks like he has prison tattoos,
hugging Harry Potter over here...
"Yeah, I went in late one night and I just said, put "man friend" right there.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't spell it in English, asshole!
"Chinese. So I got to explain it.'"
This lady's got her head in her hands like,
"Oh, fuck! Every weekend with the Goddamn man friend.
"Jesus Christ!
"It was a huge mistake..."
This guy stood up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
What's going on, sorry?
-WOMAN: It's his birthday! -It's his birthday.
This guy here, who didn't even get a spot at the table.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]
"Yeah, happy birthday, asshole. Sit behind us."
So what's your name, sir?
-MAN: Chris. -What is it?
Chris! Chris. And today is your birthday,
or this is your birthday celebration?
Birthday celebration. When is your actual birthday, Chris?
Very nice. Well, happy birthday, Chris!
Let's do a little toast right now to Chris.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Happy birthday.
Your table seems lovely. Are you drinking water?
Fuck, what a huge birthday for you, huh, Chris?
"It's my birthday, I don't wanna get too shitfaced here.
"Just bring me water, I'm DD-ing on my birthday."
Didn't get a seat at the table and he has to DD his own birthday.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
MAN: No, Harry Potter's DD.
Harry Potter's DD?
Well, of course. Not old enough to drink.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
"Hey, Harry! Fucking drive us home, buddy."
What is, uh... What is your deal, sir?
You're... You're a child, obviously.
Is this your father directly behind you there?
You his father, sir?
You didn't know till now or what?
"Holy shit, son! I've been looking everywhere for you.
"I fucked your mom 14 years ago in Wyoming. Shit.
"I wondered where the hell you been.
"Here you are right in front of me, what are the fucking odds?"
[LAUGHS]
That's great.
What is, uh... 'Cause I'm curious here...
'Cause, obviously, we're here for Chris's birthday, right?
And how many people are here for Chris's birthday?
-This table? -[PEOPLE CHEERING]
Oh!
You boys didn't get the invite or what happened?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
What now? You guys are... Are you guys brothers?
No. Just buddies?
Okay, what's your name, sir?
Justin? And your name is?
Justin?
Oh, Dustin?
[ALL LAUGHING]
[INDISTINCT]
So you're Justin and Dustin?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yep.
Listen, soulmates come in all kinds of ways.
I mean, a soulmate doesn't need to be the person you're fucking,
do you know what I mean?
But what a beautiful thing. The two of you were probably at some party somewhere, right?
You're... You're there, you're getting hammered
and you, from across the room, you saw another plaid shirt...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...with a baseball cap on.
And you thought to yourself, "Well, fuck! Look at that."
He went over and he said, "Hi, I'm Justin."
And he was, like, "No way!
"If you replace the J in your name...
"with a D,
"you'd have me."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
And a lifelong friendship was born.
The adventures of Justin and Dustin.
And look at the crew you've brought here.
If you guys had your own show,
because that sounds like, I don't know, a TLC show or something, right?
You can go on after the midgets or whatever the fuck is...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My Small Life, followed by The Adventures Of Justin And Dustin.
Only question is, "What color of plaid are they wearing this week?"
And so this is here... These two guys,
if you guys get big enough on TLC,
these two right here, these are security, for sure.
Look at this guy. This guy... This guy shot something today.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
What is your name, sir?
-MAN: Dylan. -Dylan. Justin, Dustin, Dylan.
And you are?
-What is it? -Amy.
Amy? Thank you for jumping in, Amy.
I was talking to this gentleman, but I see how the relationship works now.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
"I'll do the talking, asshole. Okay?
"I'm Amy.
"Let's start with me."
That's very nice. And what is your name, sir?
Tony? Nice.
And Tony... And you're with Amy here?
Yeah. And how long have you guys been together?
Long enough that you don't answer your own questions?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
She was gonna answer that one, too.
But, Tony. I love what you did there.
'Cause you stopped and you looked at her.
'Cause you were about to tell me
and you thought, "Oh, fuck! I might be wrong.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I don't wanna say eight years if it's been nine.
"I don't need that shit. I wanna fuck tonight, Goddamn it!
"That's why I put the tight gray on for this one shit."
Look at that. Some of you bought tickets to the show,
but everyone got tickets to the gun show here.
Look at that thing.
Oh, shit, Tony!
What a night for you.
So how long have the two of you been together, Amy?
-11 years. -11? Oh, wow! 11 years, wow.
Married? Married to each other 11 years?
What happened there with your hands?
Oh, three.
I don't know what the hell happened.
This guy's pumped, eh? I love this fucking guy.
-[ALL LAUGHING] -This guy's the best.
So three... three years married?
So eight years, uh, dating.
And then, you thought, "Hey! This seems like it's going on a long fucking time."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
At that point, you probably got the questions.
"Hey, what the fuck?" You know what I mean?
From your... from your parents.
"Is this ever gonna happen or what?"
[ISOLATED LAUGHTER]
Do you know them? They're laughing at you over there.
That was a guy who proposed, like, three months in.
Just bitter as fuck over there.
"I could have waited eight years?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Shit! Could have learned a lot more."
[CHUCKLES]
That's nice. Now, how did the two of you meet each other?
[INDISTINCT]
What's that?
High school? You both attended there, or one of you was a teacher?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
What?
It happens, right?
What a beautiful love story.
"How'd you guys meet?" "I was teaching math.
"And she stayed late.
"And I said, 'Hey. What is one...
"'plus one?'
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"But she didn't know.
"And I thought, 'wow, she's really stupid.
"'Pretty sure I could fuck her.'"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So you guys met in high school. Were you high school sweethearts?
Is that what happened? You're...
You dated all through high school
and you're, like, "Oh, my God! I will never, in my life,
"find anybody like you outside of this high school, ever.
"Let's lock it up."
Is that what happened?
I love your passion level for each other.
"Eh...
"Yeah, she got pregnant and I stayed around. Uh..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Does that count?
"That counts, right?"
[ALL LAUGHING]
Oh, man.
So, sir.
My fucking favorite guy ever.
I never did get your name. What is your name?
-MAN: Spazz. -Spazz?
Oh, your name is Spazz?
Oh, fuck.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Nice. Those... Those two guys there,
they just cheered louder than...
than anyone in this place.
They're huge fans of whatever it is you do.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Now, here's... Here's the thing, Spazz, is, uh...
[ALL LAUGHING]
Like, 100%, you don't get a name like that,
if you're the chill dude on the couch.
[ALL LAUGHING]
So I'm curious how you...
how you got the name, uh, Spazz.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
'Cause if you didn't get what you wanted,
you would freak out on your grandpa,
and your grandpa called you Spazz?
And then, when you grew up to be a man
and people introduced themselves,
you're, like, "Hey, hey. Call me Spazz.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"And, by the way, if I ever ask you to get me something,
"you better fucking get it!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"You understand what I'm saying to you right now?
"If I don't see what I ask you for,
"I'll lose my shit!
"You think I won't lose my shit on you?
"I'll piss on my own face.
"Don't for one second think I won't fuck you up, buddy."
[ALL LAUGHING]
Attaboy, Spazz.
Shit, man.
[LAUGHS]
Do you know Justin and Dustin?
No?
You guys gotta have him on your show.
He's the next door neighbor,
and he comes over every episode
and he asks you for something from your fridge,
and you don't have it, and he loses his fucking mind.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Hey, man. I'm out of cheese." "We don't have cheese."
"What the fuck are you talking about?
"You kidding me? You don't have fucking cheese? This is bullshit,
[MIMICS SPRAYING]
"Get some fucking cheese in here next time!"
[ALL LAUGHING]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
And this guy here. Sir? Huge fan of you, too.
As much as I'm a fan of Spazz,
what you've done with the jean jacket here...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
But let me tell you what I'm more impressed with, okay?
'Cause, first of all, you've gotta have that jean jacket
in a closet somewhere, right?
So you went to your closet to get ready tonight,
and you had the jeans and the T-shirt already on,
and you said, "You know what? Not enough.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"We're going out. It's Chris's birthday.
"Spazz is gonna be there.
"I better look fucking good!"
Now, I'm impressed by the jean jacket.
What I'm more impressed with is this.
What's happening here, the mustache.
Perfectly shaved.
Absolutely smooth as a baby's ass on both sides.
But this fucking thing across here, like Tom Selleck.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Just hangs down a little bit.
Right? Just so you can go home later tonight,
give the lady the ol' Swiffer WetJet, huh?
-Yeah, buddy. -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Feel a little tickle.
Little tickles. This her? Look how happy she is.
Oh, yeah.
That's right.
She needs a buffer zone so she doesn't grab your cock right away.
Good for you.
Let's get home so we can use that fucking thing.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Just a little bit of denim for friction.
That's beautiful.
How are you, sir? Are you good?
-Just fine! -Just fine?
I like that. Nice little simple answer.
MAN: I got my wife with me, that's why.
Aw.
She just get outta prison or something, what?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-What is your name, sir? -Pete.
Pete? Oh, yeah. You look like a Pete, too.
Doesn't he look like a Pete?
Look at those rosy fucking cheeks he's got.
Every Pete you've ever met's got a pair of cheeks like "That guy's so happy."
And, Pete, what is your... your wife's name here?
What's your name, ma'am?
-Lowell. -What is it?
Lowell.
-One more time. -WOMAN: Lowell!
-Lowell? -CROWD: Yeah!
Lowell?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Okay.
That's...
That's a first name, or that's a nickname, or a last name?
That's your first name.
So when you guys get introduced,
you're Pete,
and this is Lowell.
How... How many...
How many tries does it take for people, usually, to get that?
-At least three. -At least three? Yeah.
They hear Laura first and you go, "No, no, no, no, no.
"Lowell."
"I'm sorry. Lola?"
"Are you... What are you, fucking stupid? No.
"Low. Say low."
"Low." "Now say the fucking L."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"L." "Put 'em together, asshole."
"Low-ell."
-That's how I do it. -Is it?
And then Pete goes second?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Takes 25 minutes to get your name out of the way.
Pete crushes two beers, then comes in,
"Yeah, by the way, I'm Pete."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
"Thank God you were here, Pete. That was getting confusing as shit."
That's great. What do you do, Pete? Do you work?
-Not anymore. -Not anymore.
Attaboy. You got fired, did you?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No, disability.
Disability? Oh, okay. What... What happened?
-Back. -[LEESON] Back? Attaboy, Pete.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That could be anything. How can you prove it, right?
Attaboy, Pete! Shit!
Yeah, buddy!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Good for you, Pete.
-Painkillers. -What's that?
CROWD: Painkillers!
-[SNORTS] -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
We're gonna use that in the promo for this show.
The trailer's gonna start with you.
"Painkillers."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I... I love two things that you've done, sir.
First of all, is the tan.
Very tanned.
Second thing is you wore the white golf shirt
with just a hint of fluorescent green.
Right? Just a hint of it under the arms.
You're like, "You know what? I don't wanna go with the full white
"'cause I might stick out.
"And I don't wanna wear a full fluorescent green shirt
"because I might look like an idiot.
"So if there's any fucking way that I can just get the little horse in fluorescent green,
"with two fluorescent green stripes, right there on my arms,
"and I'll get the tan so they really fucking pop!"
-That's brilliant, sir. Yeah, look how... -[WOMAN HOOTING]
What a fan that lady is.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
One of three single ladies at that table
going nuts for the guy in the tan, fluorescent...
No, no. I know he's taken. Rela...
Wow, she got aggressive there.
"I don't fucking think so, okay?
"The fluorescent green and the arms come home with me, thank you."
-We're just newlywed, come on. -Are you guys newlyweds? Aw.
How beautiful.
[CHUCKLES] That's why she still cares.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Not now. We're newlyweds, bro. That's why.
"Talk to us 20 years from now, she'll just push me and say fuck off."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's beautiful, man. What's your name?
-Gary. -Gary?
Nice, And your name is Mary?
Like Justin and Dustin?
-No? -Stacy.
Stacy, okay. Gary and Stacy.
That's very nice. And, so, you're newlywed, so...
[WOMAN CHEERING]
Was she at the wedding?
Was she? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. I see why you're not sitting with her.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
A little aggressive, huh?
Yeah. Was it a destination wedding
and you were hoping she wouldn't show up?
"Let's make it a destination. I don't think she has enough money to get to Mexico."
She RSVP'd first. "Oh, fuck!"
Right in the middle of the first dance, she stood up,
"[SCREAMS] You guys look great together!"
Did you wear a little fluorescent, uh, bowtie?
Green fluorescent.
Green fluorescent bowtie... at the wedding?
No. You're just fucking with me now.
Thanks, Gary.
"Yes, I did. No, I didn't. Gotcha!
"Brought my own jokes to this one."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Newlyweds... How long did you date before that?
-Seven years. -LEESON: Seven years!
Shit! Almost like Tony and Amy.
You pulled the trigger a year before that guy did.
Spazz, how you doing, buddy?
Can I get you anything? We don't want a situation.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
-Two beers! -Two beers?
Can we get these guys two beers?
[CHEERING]
No, not you.
Not you. I'm not taking fucking orders.
This guy's name is Spazz.
You gotta make sure he's okay.
You work on computers in your mother's basement. This guy...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
...freaks the fuck out.
[ALL LAUGHING]
MAN: Grandma's basement.
-What's that? -MAN: Grandma's basement.
Oh, grandmother's basement.
Wow. [LAUGHS]
Of course. That way, you can jerk off to the porn, and she won't hear you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's way better, yeah.
Look at all these people who had to take a shit.
They didn't give us an intermission before this, huh?
Everybody's gotta take a mid-show shit.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Everybody at this table just started looking at each other.
[GROANS]
"Anybody else feel those appetizers or..."
[ALL LAUGHING]
Nobody wanted to be the one. [GROANS]
"What if we just all got up together?
"Now, let's do it."
How are you, sir? This guy. Look how beautiful this guy is.
This... What a pretty man, he is, eh?
Pete, you gotta be pissed off being so close to this guy.
Look at how handsome you are, huh?
What is your name, sir? Let me...
Dylan? Is it Dylan?
-No? -Jeremy!
Jeremy. Yeah, well... Same...
-What's that? -[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
She's... Who?
-She's the pretty one. -LEESON: She's the pretty one.
Yeah, yeah. You got to say that, but we all know it's you.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
That's great. And, Jeremy, what do you...
What do you do, man? Do you... Do you model at all?
-Part-time. -Part-time model.
And what do you do the other... the other times?
-What's that? -Sun Life.
Sun Life? Like, you...
you go out in the sun?
Just to tan, so you can look good for the modeling.
"Yeah, I'm a part-time model,
"full-time in the sun."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So Sun Life is a... is financial.
You give people financial advice?
-I got life insurance. -Life insurance.
Yeah, shit. Who doesn't wanna look at that pearly face,
with those beautiful white teeth
while you're talking about what happens when you die?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
No wonder they stick you with those people.
"Now, listen. We all die.
[MIMICS DINGING]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
"But when you're gone, don't you want somebody to take care of
"all of your shit?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"No, I'm suggesting...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"...that you look at these financial plans for Sun Life."
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Sir? In the, uh...
What was your... What was your name? Did we ever get your name?
No, just the Magnum P.I. there.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
If whatever... What is it?
-It's a porn-stash. -It's a porn-stash.
Yeah. For sure, it is.
Like, not from this era of porn, but from...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Yeah, like from an era of porn, for sure.
Hey, you got your beer, buddy. Yeah!
That's good. What's that?
Did I pay for those beers?
No. No.
No, I didn't order them from you.
I ordered them for Spazz.
Because he freaks the fuck out.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Doesn't anybody understand this?
I'm not getting you three beers, asshole! Okay?
I understand your grandma gave you pocket money tonight,
but that's not what it's about.
"Hey, before you go out, here's $40.
"That'll get you 18 beers."
"No, Grandma. It won't.
"It's not 1940."
I'm just fucking with you, man. What's your name?
-Jesse. -LEESON: What is it?
-Jesse. -LEESON: Jesse? Nice.
And are you from Sarnia here?
-Sadly. -Sadly? [CHUCKLES]
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
Yeah! Right?
-Uh-oh. Oh! -[BOOING INTENSIFIES]
MAN: Go back to the basement!
That's... That's...
[ALL LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
Jesus! What a new low, Jesse.
Getting heckled from a guy on TLC.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Go back to the basement!"
[ALL LAUGHING]
You could have your own show called Go Back To The Basement.
Every episode, you hit on girls, they say no, and then, what do you do?
You go back to the basement, jerk off.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
Spazz, buddy, fuck...
God, this guy's a legend.
Look, how... You're a young kid, right?
You're young?
-WOMAN: That's his son. -That's his son?
Spazz Junior?
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Nice.
This guy... Look, you can tell he's your son, too.
-He's intense in the eyes. -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
He's intense. He's like, "What's this fucking asshole gonna say to me?
"What's he gonna say right now, 'cause I don't wanna hear it.
"I'll Spazz the fuck out!
"You know who my dad is?
"No wonder it's two beers. One of them better be for me.
"I'm not old enough to drink it but security doesn't even check my ID
"'cause I'll Spazz the fuck out!"
Is that really... That's really your son? Nice!
This is the other son!
This is your other son?
Oh, shit! You don't like him as much? You made him sit at another table.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
He doesn't Spazz out quite as hard or what?
"That was, like, a mediocre Spazz.
"You know what? When we go to this thing on Saturday,
"you can go sit at the birthday table.
"Take Chris's spot, where he was supposed to be."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't know how many of you know this,
but I started doing this at 14 years old.
I started doing stand-up at 14 years old with just a dream.
It was just...
I grew up in London and it was just a dream of doing stand-up
and, one day, making it the hour and a bit down the 402 to Sarnia.
-And... -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
-No, but, uh... -[CHEERING CONTINUES]
No. But, in all honesty, it was a dream,
and when you're 14 years old and you go to your mom and you say,
"Mom, I know what I wanna do with my life.
"I wanna be a stand-up comedian."
For any parent, I don't know how many people in here are parents,
but for any parent, to hear that your child wants to do something
in a career, in a field that's very unsteady,
it's unstable, it's unpredictable,
you don't know what the hell is gonna happen, it's very difficult.
And she didn't try to talk me out of it for one fucking second.
Not a second. She said, "That? That's what you wanna do? How do we do that?"
And, at 14 years old, this lady picked me up...
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Yeah.
Grew up in London. There wasn't a huge comedy scene going on in London.
And she would pick me up every day after school
and she would drive, we would go to Hamilton, Niagara Falls, Toronto.
We would go all over the place just to do five minutes of this.
Just to get up on stage,
and do five minutes of what, back then, was shitty fucking comedy.
It was bad, okay?
And that's a tough thing to do, is to bomb in front of your mother
and then have to share a two-hour car ride home...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...with her being, like, "Are you... You're sure you wanna do this, right?"
I'm, like, "Yeah." But she never, one time, not even for a second,
did she ever tell me to quit, to stop, to not keep going.
And I'm telling you right now, none of this would be possible without that woman.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Even when I gave up on myself, she was always right there to say,
"Hey, you know what? You're funny. Just keep going.
"We'll learn this. We'll learn how to do this.
"Keep going, do as many shows as you can,
"go anywhere that you can, do as many things as you can.
"We'll get better."
-And we... -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
...tried. And, so, anybody out there,
if there's a young comedian out there, if there's a young person with a dream,
whatever that is, don't ever, first of all,
don't fucking ever let someone tell you you're not gonna do it.
I had the owner of the most successful chain
of comedy clubs in all of Canada call me when I was 18 years old, four years into my dream,
and he told me, "You will never be a success in this business
"and you should probably do something else."
And I didn't listen at all.
And thanks to people like my mom...
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
So, if there is a person out there
who is trying to do this for a living,
or you're trying to be a musician,
or you're trying to be a fucking sculptor, or an artist,
or you have a dream of just living
in your grandmother's basement your whole life,
I don't give a fuck what your dream is,
don't you ever let someone tell you that you can't or you won't,
because if you know inside yourself that you have what it takes,
and you know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get there,
you will fucking get there one way or another,
I swear to you right now.
So keep going. This is for anybody with a dream.
Just keep going.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Lastly, I just wanna say this, uh...
This is a very... This has been an incredible night for me.
This has been just such an amazing time, and such...
You guys have been unbelievable.
So I want to thank you guys, obviously, for coming out to this.
But... what an amazing night this has been and, uh...
This has been a very interesting week and a very weird week,
because two days ago, the comedy world lost a legend.
Don Rickles died two days... two days ago.
And Don Rickles, uh...
Don Rickles, for those of you... Some of you know him.
Harry Potter, I'm sure you don't. You're a little young, but...
[ALL LAUGHING]
A lot of you know who he was.
Don Rickles was a fucking legend,
but here's the thing about Don Rickles.
He did a lot with the crowd. He went into the crowd.
And, people, in his early career...
I watched interview after interview with this guy,
and in his early days of his career,
a lot of club owners, a lot of tour managers,
a lot of agents told him, "You'll never make it with that style.
"You can't do it with that style. That style's not gonna fly."
He was fired from clubs because of that style,
and he never quit, and he just kept going.
And I saw an interview where he said,
"If you're different, if you're fucking different,
"you have a chance at this business if you're different."
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
I never met the man, but what he did for me in that moment...
There has been times where club owners and managers and people have told me,
"You know what, man? you can't just go off the cuff.
"You can't just go into the crowd.
"You can't just make a whole show out of just the people. You need something more."
I've been fired from clubs, I've been not booked at clubs,
I've been taken out of things because of that style.
And an interview with Don Rickles where he said,
"If you be different, you have a chance."
It made me start to think, "Wow, what if?"
What if I could do that? What if I could just come out
and I didn't need to be like everybody else.
What if I didn't need to come out and tell you guys
fucking jokes that I told people last night,
and the night before that, and the night before that?
What if I came out...
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
...and I just asked you a couple of fucking questions,
and then we went on a story and we found out so much.
We found out about this guy who's been pissed off all night,
who's been sitting there, waiting for somebody to mention something
so he could flip someone off once,
and then give him a second middle finger,
just to be sure that they were safe, and tell him to fuck off.
And, all the while, he's the guy that pissed on this guy's beard
because he's been so angry.
What if I could come out and I could talk to a guy
in a jean jacket and a T-shirt and some jeans,
with a Magnum P.I. mustache
that he's gonna go home and treat his wife to a little Swiffer WetJet later on?
What if I could do that? What if we could talk about this guy
who's on fucking disability because he said that his back hurt one time,
and him and his wife have a confusing fucking time,
because her name is weird and his name is very, very easy.
He's Pete, she's Lowell.
But they gotta spend an hour and a half going through what the fuck the name is?
What if I could do that? What if I could talk to Jeremy,
who's the most beautiful man I've ever seen,
who sells millions and millions of dollars' worth of Sun Life financial insurance,
and on the part-time, he models for Calvin Klein and Walmart
and all these fucking companies that he then turns around
and sells life insurance to every one of their employees?
What if I could talk to Justin and Dustin,
and Tony and Amy, who have been married for three years
but together for eight, because Tony wouldn't pull the fucking trigger
and she kept pressuring him, going,
"Tony! I get it. You like the tight shirts.
"Stop buying them and buy me a fucking ring, you piece of shit!
"It's been eight fucking years, Tony!
"Put a ring on it, you motherfucker!"
What if I could do that, huh?
What if I could talk to Justin and Dustin who met at a party,
and they were both wearing different colored plaid,
with a hat on their head and they said,
"Hey, I think we're soulmates for life. Let's go everywhere together.
"Let's get our buddy who shot something earlier today."
He shot himself in the foot. He probably shot his dick off three years ago
because he got hammered at a party with Justin and Dustin
when they sold their show to TLC and celebrated a little too hard.
And then there's the guy right here who does their fucking taxes, for sure.
What if I could talk to this guy who got the worst seat in the fucking house,
but he's stealing this guy's girl right in front of him
by giving her the cold shoulder all fucking night?
And what he doesn't know is that he had that tattoo imprinted on his neck
by a prisoner who did it with his cock to say "man friend"
because he just wanted him to remember where he was.
What if I could talk to Harry fucking Potter over there,
who's getting hugged by a former Goddamn criminal,
feeling uncomfortable, because if this guy doesn't get what he wants,
he knows he's gonna fuck him later tonight.
[ALL LAUGHING]
What if I could talk to Gary and Mary
or whatever the fuck your name was,
who got married seven years into a relationship
because they heard about a couple that waited eight fucking years to do it
and they didn't wanna be pieces of shit like that?
And what if I was Gary, who brought my own joke to this Goddamn thing and said,
"Yeah, I was wearing a fluorescent green bowtie on my wedding.
"Psych! No, I wasn't, asshole!"
And he's the most fucking tan guy in the place.
What if I could do that? What would that look like?
What if i came to a town that I've been coming to for ten years
and, right there, right in the front row,
was a fucking legend named Spazz?
What if that happened?
What if that happened, huh? What would that look like?
What if he was there?
Spazz, and Spazz Junior, and Spazz The Third,
who doesn't Spazz out hard enough,
so he's gotta sit at the fuck table
with the guy who got fucked out of his own birthday
and the guy who's going home to jerk off
in his grandmother's basement, for God's sake!
It would probably look like that!
You guys have been amazing! Thank you so much!
I appreciate it. Thank you!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
ANNOUNCER: Jeff Leeson, everybody!
Let him hear it, everybody!
♪ Here we go
♪ At the top of the class Honor Roll
♪ And It's time to run it up Yeah you know
♪ Maxed out Put the pedal to the floor
♪ On a roll Here we go, here we go
♪ Yeah we winning By a landslide
♪ Never see me coming I'm a land mine
♪ Yeah, I ain't taking orders In a command like
♪ You bout to see me On demand like
♪ You know I'm the man
♪ If you ain't know You about to understand
♪ I got the team by my side Right hand
♪ Take it to extreme You ain't seen it like that
♪ And it's the dream And we coming for the bag
♪ And we ain't ever Goin' back now
♪ Future expedited now We on the fast track now
♪ They won't lend a hand now They see us on the map now
♪ It's time to act out
♪ Here we go
♪ At the top of the class Honor Roll
♪ And it's time to run it up Yeah you know
♪ Maxed out Put the pedal to the floor
♪ On a roll Here we go, here we go
♪ At the top of the class Honor Roll
♪ And it's time to run it up Yeah you know
♪ Maxed out Put the pedal to the floor
♪ On a roll Here we go, here we go ♪