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-[indistinct chatter] -[dishware clinking]
He wants to know my number.
No, not my cell number. He already got that.
No, not my weight.
He could give two shits about that.
And no, not my social security,
'cause he's not that stupid.
He wants to know that big--
I mean, mediocre... [chuckles]
...mediocre number of, uh... [clears throat]
...sexual partners that I've had in my past.
Now, can I ask him an honest question?
What's wrong with your ass?
Is that supposed to elevate your perception of me?
'Cause perception is key, and I can't have you judging me.
Not that my number would.
I'm just saying, knowing ain't gonna do no good.
I mean, damn, why you need to know?
Is it to see if I'm the real deal?
Boy, please, you need to chill with that mess.
Regardless, I was gonna be the best you ever had.
Why can't you just appreciate what you have?
I'm independent in the street
and a slave in the bed!
But instead, you wanna complain
about the stupid, irrelevant number of my past lovers?
Seriously? Why?
Is it to see how long you gonna be feeling this?
Oh, wait. Oh, let me guess.
Oh, you trying to rate my level of classiness.
Or you could trust and believe that a woman's class
ain't got nothing to do with how many men been up her--
[laughs]
Uh, to an extent.
But look, as long as she discreet
'bout who's in her sheets, she can meet and greet
whoever she damn well please.
I mean, damn.
Let me ask you something.
Is your dick's ego feeling that small?
Oh, baby, well, let me stroke it so you can come...
back with a little more confidence.
I-I'm sorry, babe. That was rude, that was rude.
But hold up, I ain't never asked you your number.
Seven?
Really?
Mm-mm, let me find out this dude game is wack.
Nothing, babe. I said that you're, um...
your swag is all of that.
All right, fine. You wanna know my number?
Jeez. If it's that serious.
Don't judge me. [laughs]
It's--
wait.
Hold up, what you said?
Your ex said you was her third?
Word? Okay, all right,
so then why don't you go call up that bird?
Oh yeah, that's right, 'cause she pregnant
with her third.
I swear, your little Keisha got
some nerve talking 'bout you her third.
That's the dumbest shit I ever done heard,
and you is just absurd.
So you be believing shit like a dumb nigga?
See, I was just about to tell you my number,
but you done pulled the trigger on that one.
Poo-poop. It's dead.
No, but seriously though, babe,
no one is ever gonna give her real number.
'Cause we lie!
'Cause this double standard mentality ain't
never gonna die, so we do it just to get by.
And no, not to be fake, but we do it for y'all's sake.
Y'all sensitive like Drake.
You just wouldn't be able to take the heartache.
And I mean, come on, it's scientifically proven
on average, that women get it in more than men.
And not to mention, we need a lot more attention,
so I mean, you put two and two together,
you really don't gotta be that clever.
It's common sense.
No suspense necessary.
And it shouldn't be something scary.
No, you should be glad that I'm experienced so that
when I tell you that you're the best out of all of the rest,
it's actually a statement of value...
for you.
All right, look, babe, you just gonna have to deal
with the fact that, no, my number isn't one.
No, you did not teach me that move.
And no, you are not my second, third, or seventh,
as much as you would like to believe it
and as much as people may perceive it.
I am not a virgin angel sent from heaven.
I am a woman...
who has lived before and-- [scoffs]
depending on how long this shit last,
will live after you.
So, like, here's the lesson.
How 'bout you stop asking all them questions,
'cause you ain't never gonna know my number, boo.
And you best-a believe that that's the hardcore truth.
Oh, and, uh, you can go ahead and tell that
to your little Keisha...
too.
[birds chirping]
Check, please. Thank you.