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- Now, don't get it twisted. This is a love story.
And like every love story, it has highs and lows.
Nothing to do with the spite of it.
It's just true love.
- Dude!
- What the hell Andy?
I thought you weren't gonna be home until six?
I snuck in early to set up a special
balloon surprise for you.
- Oh baby. The balloons are beautiful, so great.
Okay. I can see that you're upset.
- How long have we been together?
How many years have I put up with your shit?
- I know.
- My parents were right about you.
I should have dumped your ass a long time ago.
- Hey baby.
Just calm down. It's gonna be okay.
Jesus Christ, dude. Why?
Oh God. Okay.
Just calm down.
- I was the best girlfriend.
I was such a good girlfriend.
And you are nothing but a pot smoking boob.
- Yes, I was. - You know what?
I should thank her for even getting it up
in the first place.
- Okay. Let's just take a deep breath.
- What half the time you can't get it up
and the other half the time you barely last four minutes.
You have a problem.
- Okay. Let's not say things gonna regret.
Let's just calm down.
- I won't regret it. Who is she huh?
She one of your bimbos from the bike messaging job or?
Oh, is she another one of your legalized cannabis friends?
Come on up, sweetheart. You can't stay in there forever.
- Gail, Gail honey, honey.
Let's just go out here.
We can talk this out. No, I think you should.
- I should totally go.
- No, no!
- Oh my God. - Hey Gail.
- I know this looks bad. - My sister!
- Oh God! Why?
- You hate Andy!
- I'm so sorry. I don't know how this happened.
- I will fucking kill you!
Ladies, let's take a deep breath.
Let's just get into bed. We can talk about this.
We can, you know, this can be a cool thing.
It's fine. Ladies, no.
Why are you looking at me like that? Ladies, ladies.
Jesus Christ. Ow. Fuck!
Oh God. Why?
- Okay this is fine. My boyfriend's fucking my sister.
I can deal with this in a rational, calm manner.
Hey Andy, sweet darling, boyfriend of mine.
You still your dad's tools?
- Yeah. They're in the kitchen baby.
- Excellent.
- Yeah. - Okay be right back.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Oh dear God.
You know, I think that went really well.
I think everything's fine.
- You suggested a threesome?
- You're so stupid. - Ow, God. Okay.
- It was just the stress talking baby, baby.
You know know you're the only one for me. Come on.
- I better be.
- You are. I mean that.
- You better mean it.
- Yes. We're in love. Come on.
Wait a minute. What's that sound?
Gail? Honey?
Hi. What ya?
What you got there, babe?
- You heard me? I'm destroying everything you love.
- What is that? - Your crystal bong.
- No, Shirley!
- It's gonna be fine, baby.
Oh God. Oh.
No, no! Not Gandalf!
No! Smoke bomb! Jesus!
No! Why are you such a?
No! Got damn it why?
Oh God!
- Five million women in New York and he chooses my sister?
I know I'm cuter than Allie.
Very cuter. And she doesn't even like him.
She doesn't even like him. She doesn't like the guy,
that she's sleeping with, who's my boyfriend.
The wheels on the bus go round and round.
Round and round. Round and round.
Can I get some fucking pudding in here please?
Can I get some pudding?
Hello? What kind of place are you running here?
Huh? Hello can someone untie me? I have an itch!
Hello? I'm itching! Hell...
- That can't be good.
Why are you tying me down?
- Because you bit me.
- I told you that was an accident.
I thought you were a pork chop.
- Yeah, no I don't trust you.
Night, night, juice time.
- Dude?
- You can't press charges. She's my sister.
- She broke my bongs.
- Dude.
- All of them!
- Dude.
- It really hurt.
- Dude. I know. - It really hurt.
Why is your dad here? What?
- He drove.
- Okay. Listen, sir.
I know you're gonna try to convince me to drop the charges,
but Gail needs to learn that there are consequences for her
actions and there is nothing that you can say to me,
that's gonna make me drop these charges.
- I saw Gail yesterday and I know where you keep your pot.
- All right sorry for the delay everybody.
Huge rash of murders. Totally ruined the weekend.
Anyway, someone's gonna press charges here?
- Actually, I changed my mind.
- Whatever.
- Smart boy.
- Want one? - Oh, thank you.
- Hey! You know the rules!
- Coop! - No.
- Baby, why they so mean to me?
- I know but you made the right choice.
- Okay.
- She can't handle anything else.
- You're right.
- I know, I'm always right.
- I know.
- I realize now that what I did was wrong.
You can't just swing a sledgehammer all willy-nilly
every time you get a little angry, so.
I got it all out of my system and I'm sorry.
I'm ready to go home now.
- Well, clearly you're still crazy,
but your 72 hour psych hold is up
and I have to unleash you onto society.
- What? Why are you looking at me like that?
- In three, two, one.
- Oh I can finally scratch. Oh my God.
- Never gets old.
Okay. That can get old.
- Good morning ladies.
- Well hello!
- You're new here.
- My name is Frank and I'll be your waiter today.
Hi Frank.
- Can I give you the tapas menu?
- No, we're actually waiting on one more. So...
- Just booze.
- I will have a mimosa but hold the orange juice.
- I want exactly that.
- Make it four and then just keep them coming.
- Just bring the box.
- Don't forget the box.
- Okay ladies.
- Great ass!
Oh yeah. Come here.
- Hey, hey. Calm yourself.
He totally checked out Jen's boobs.
So he's straight.
- They're my superpower.
I have not opened the door
or get a parking ticket in years.
- Everybody checks out her boobs.
- I'm jealous.
Oh, magic.
- Gail is seriously late, okay?
- None for me, of course.
- Is she right? I'm not paying attention.
Oh my God. She's she's never late.
- Maybe she's getting laid.
- Should we be worried?
- She's so not getting laid. She's not getting no, just no.
Yes.
- Should we be worried? I mean, she has been going a little,
since her and Andy broke up
and she's really late and she's never late.
- No, she has a right to go nuts.
He was sleeping with her little sister for three years and
then he moves in with the bitch? Please.
- You know what? You know what?
I'm worried. I'm gonna call.
I'm gonna call.
- You guys, she's like in the hour late.
We have to just order.
- Wait, we didn't order?
- I'm getting worried.
- You know what guys, I'll call again. Okay?
- It's ringing.
- You like jam?
Yeah!
- Again. Don't hold back.
- Jam it! - Oh wait, what are you?
Oh okay, first time for this.
- Maybe she is getting a deep dicking.
- Guys, this is the first time Gail has missed our monthly.
- There's a first time for everything.
- I hope she's okay.
- I hope she's happy.
- I hope she is getting laid.
- I'm sorry your friend couldn't make it today.
Can I get you ladies anything else?
- Just checks.
- No, no separate checks please.
- And split the appetizers on the checks please.
- Because apparently we are basic bitches who can't do math.
- Sit down Jen. You're so aggressive.
- Sit your ass down!
- Jen, if you flash him your boobs maybe we get discount.
- That is a good idea. - Jen, no!
- Jack?
I have something I wanna say.
I'm going through a really bad breakup right now.
Frankly, I don't know how I'm keeping it together, but
I just wanna say,
I hope this wasn't a one night thing for you.
Don't say anything.
I just,
I like you
and I've never been with someone like you before,
but if you're willing to get past our differences,
so am I.
I just wanna lay here and be together
because I need someone wonderful like you in my life.
- Well, at least they didn't kick us out from this place.
- And I told you he wasn't gay.
- Well we may not have got a discount,
but I got a phone number.
- I can't believe Gail didn't show.
- I'm sure she's fine.
Out of all us, she's the most safe.
- Yeah and when she snaps, it'll be epic.
- Hey.
- So sorry. - That's all right.
I'm good for a blumpkin'. You like what you see?
- Oh no, no, no.
- All right, fine.
Well Jack, you salty dog.
We all been worried sick about you.
Where are you? Do you need bail money again?
I got bail money. If you need some bail money again.
Let me just tell you, we're all like really worried
and we're sick about it. Where are you son?
- Clyde! - Son we just...
- Clyde! Shut the fuck up.
I got news.
- What, what, what?
- Look, I'm fine.
- What? - Yeah. Yeah. I met someone.
Okay. I'm not kidnapped. I'm fine.
She's everything I ever wanted.
She's kind and courteous and sexy.
And she's got these boobs.
Her boobs are like giant orbs of joy. It's like,
if you filled a tit with cool whip and then took it outta
the fridge, but it didn't smell.
It smelled like angel tits.
Oh yeah. I love angels and I love her.
I'm in love.
- He's no good. And I knew it, but he had me.
Oh, he had me.
I knew I was just a young bunny, new to showbiz.
And we started working together, late nights.
Lots of time on the road.
I think for him, it grew into love, but for me, I knew.
I knew from the first moment he put
his hand in my rabbit hole, I knew!
I still know.
- And a sweet story out of the national zoo
in Washington, DC. As Maggie the chimp
has made a new best friend.
It appears that Maggie found a baby...
- Jack!
- The mother abandoned...
- The bird was abandoned by his mother and...
- Is that a puppet?
- Look at her!
- Let's roll the tape on this heartwarming story.
- He doesn't call, he doesn't write.
That son of a bitch is just gone!
Ghosted! I gave him the best years of my life.
I had his bunnies! I can't believe he'd do this to me.
That carrot fucking cinnamon ass hat!
- She said she found someone new and it's serious.
- She's not so ready for a new relationship.
- It's just a rebound.
- She's just getting some new dick okay?
Everyone's entitled to some new dick.
We all need it, especially after a breakup.
- Agreed but...
- So will that be a round of dicks
or just a big dick for the table?
- He's funny. I like him.
- Well on the one hand, I mean,
it could be just with the doctor ordered.
You know I mean,
finally she gets somebody else she can forget about Andy and
maybe possibly forgive Allie and
maybe we can become a family again.
But then of course, on the other hand,
we don't know anything about this guy,
except that he's older and he's in show business
and you know those types of people.
- Do we have any of the lasagna left from last night?
- Am I even fucking here?
- We could try that position.
- You are lucky that I am so bendy.
- Yeah, that whole no bones thing's coming handy.
- I got one bone for you.
- So I don't know how you're gonna take this,
but Gail is dating somebody.
- Dude.
- Yeah. An older guy, he kind of swept her off her feet.
- Dude.
- It looks serious.
- Dude.
- Yeah. I just hope that when she's happy
I can get my sister back.
- Dude.
- I know you get it.
- Dude?
- You always know what to say.
- Dude.
- Well tell us everything.
- Where did you meet him?
- What does he do?
- How big is his dick?
- Jen down. Come on. - What?
- You guys are gonna love him. He's so sweet.
He's a little on the shorter side, but he's so romantic.
We just hit it off.
And for a shorter guy, he's really wow.
- When are you gonna see him again?
- Today. He's waiting for me at home.
- Oh my God. - Damn.
- Dude.
- Best.
Ever.
- Best I ever had baby.
- Not only the best I've ever had
but seven times in one night.
- Wow. Even I would tap out. That's too much.
- But wait Gail. Are you happy?
You've been through a lot.
- I mean I'm fine.
- Pictures. Pictures or it didn't happen.
Pictures or it didn't happen.
- Only of his.
- No. Nevermind. No one wants to see that.
- I do. I totally do.
- So when do we get to meet, um.
- Jack. His name is Jack.
- Jack!
We wanna meet him!
- Girls, leave her alone.
Maybe she doesn't want him to meet us, right?
- Why not?
- It's okay. We're just, we're new.
I'll talk to him tonight. I promise.
- Okay.
- There's something about the crazy ones that makes
them real good in bed.
Dagnabbit, if you get a little lady with both
abandonment and daddy issues, she will ragdoll you around
in the bedroom like she got something to prove.
Now Jack knows this about Gail,
and the problem is, that Jack ain't the kind of puppet
that's gonna do real nice things with that information.
- This so amazing.
You are so romantic.
- Come in here.
Yeah.
Do it slowly.
- Of course. Anything for you, baby.
- Oh yeah. Just the top.
Oh, there's the prize.
- We know nothing about this guy.
And you know Gail's always had some issues.
She gets that from your crazy mother.
She's been always like nutty like Mona.
In fact, you know
I could say that your mother was more rational
after she got dementia.
- Any more of that lasagna left?
- There's meatballs.
- Would you mind?
- Jack?
You don't mind coming to meet my friends and family. Do you?
- I'd be so happy to.
I love you.
- I love you too.
Great. I'll set it up.
- Gail, sexually, have you ever tried
a Kentucky menthol cobra?
- What's that?
- You do a headstand with a full split and I'll need a
Jack Daniels, a pack of menthol cigarettes and a funnel.
- Well, I don't have a funnel.
I have a Turkey baster. Will that work?
- That'll work.
- Stay right here.
Ugh. I'll be right back.
Stud.
- Oh daddy, likey.
- That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!
I just found out he's shaking up with some blonde bimbo.
I'm gonna cut dick off, but that never works.
I'll just sew it back on.
I don't understand why he's doing this.
Doesn't he know I love him?
I'm gonna find her. Then I'm gonna kill her.
And I know just how to hurt him too.
I'm in love with this girl and long story short,
she knows how to do a Cleveland three way triple way axle.
Let me, it's this thing where she puts her hand in my ass
and okay, okay. Never mind.
The point is, I'm in love. Oh God, I love her so much.
She's got the perfect hair.
She's got perfect eyes. Everything about her is wonderful.
Look, love me and love her because we are together
and that's it. Just accept it for what it.
It's true love with blumpkins.
- Where's that son of a bitch?
I'm gonna shoot him in the nut sack!
I'm coming honey!
- Mrs. Jack.
Oh, Jack.
Mrs. Jack.
- See, it doesn't really matter that your friends
and your family know you're crazy.
It takes 'em by surprise every time.
- What?
Why are you all looking at me like that?
Mom?
Daddy?
Say something.
- I think I'm gonna look and see if we have any tini
from last night.
- I think I'm gonna help you.
- What?
- Is she fucking the puppet?
- Gail, you, is this a joke?
- I mean, I've made bad decisions about men before.
To felons, the married guy,
that guy in Santorini who didn't speak any English.
- Jen! Look, Gail.
You know, that's not a real person, right?
That's a puppet. You know that, right?
- Excuse me?
- I know things have been rough lately, but he's not real.
- I think you need some help darling.
- Does he even have a dick?
- Jen!
- What?
- She's crazy.
This is all Allie's fault. We need to fix this family.
- Do we have any prosciutto?
- Behind the pickles.
Maybe it's a phase Gail's going through, you know?
I mean, maybe we should just ignore it.
Maybe it really is just a phase.
- How about some provolone?
- Behind the olives? Ugh.
I'm going to kill Andy. He's making our little girl crazy.
- How about some of the ossobuco you made last night?
- Red Tupperware. Red tup...
You think this is awful?
I mean are we really bad parents?
How dare you all sit there and cast against my
relationship with Jack? What do you have? Any of you?
Do any of you have a real relationship?
- Those are with real people.
- Oh bullshit! Your fiance is a writer.
Does he have anything published? Any productions? No.
As far as I can tell, he sits at Starbucks all day long.
- You don't have to be mean.
- Oh so it's okay for you all to sit there
and be mean about my relationship with Jack?
But I can't say shit about the fact that your boyfriends
get more dick than you do?
Or that Zoe's older boyfriends don't just explain her type,
they in fact tell us she's got daddy issues?
- Wow.
- Yeah. Wow Jen.
Is there a professor you didn't date
when you were at law school?
- That's not dating.
- We all know what she meant.
- God.
I'm out of here. We don't have to take this.
- Mom?
- Oh, Hey Gail.
You father and I are making some dinner for everyone.
- Oh great. Should I see if Jack wants anything?
- This I gotta see.
Gail honey, are you all right?
- I don't understand why they're being so mean.
- They're your friends. You should talk to them.
- You're right.
Honey, why don't you come on out so we can talk?
- Let's go.
- Jack, not now.
Look, I know you're concerned because...
- He's a puppet.
- No, because of his age.
Oh my God. Are you racist against puppets?
- Puppets aren't a race.
- Are you kidding me?
- Calm down. Calm down.
- I will not calm down mother.
I will not stand for this type of intolerance.
Puppets are people just like you and me.
Come on Jack, we're leaving.
- So how did you two meet?
- Great. Now we have two people that think he's real.
- Well, its really interesting actually.
Before Andy left, we had tickets to see this comedy show.
So I decided to go by myself.
- Thank you, thank you. Oh my gosh, thank you.
I've been amazing. Bye.
- Oh boy, you guys are in for a treat.
This next puppet, he's my favorite.
All right, let's get to him. Let's get to him.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome,
Grandpa Bra.
Hey, Hey.
- Grandpa, why don't you say hi to the nice people?
- Eh, you talk to 'em. They're ugly.
- That's not nice. These people are very good looking.
- They're your people. You're ugly too.
- Grandpa!
- Yeah, drink up sweetie. Yeah.
- Excuse me, I'm sorry. Sorry everybody.
You think that's why he left me?
- Cause you're belching? - I'm disgusting.
- Yeah. It's not.
- I don't know why he left.
I feel like I could see myself.
That's so empty.
Would you say that's half full or half empty?
- I would say it's almost empty. Almost empty.
- Like my heart.
Did I tell you my ex boyfriend?
- You did. You already did.
- You wanna see him right now?
- I don't. There he is.
- There he is.
This is a terrible mojito.
You wouldn't do that to me would you?
Would you fuck my sister?
- No, I like men.
- Me too.
Men are pigs.
We should probably go out.
- We shouldn't. - No.
I don't want to with you. I'm sorry.
- Fine. No. More rejection. It was fine.
This is the worst mojito I've ever had.
- It's a cosmopolitan.
- You're a cosmopolitan.
- I am, you're right.
- Do you wanna see him? You wanna see a picture?
- Sure. For the fifth time.
- He's an asshole and I don't like him at all.
- Yeah. Me neither.
- You're so nice. - Thank you.
- I really like you. - Thank you.
- Am I like your terrible mojito?
- Uh, this is from gentleman.
Hey, how you doing?
Huh? You're looking sweet over there.
You into puppets?
Oh shit.
If you wanna fuck, gimme a wink.
Yeah, it's on. Yeah.
- Well it's getting late.
- Yeah. I gotta go. I gotta get outta here.
- Early day tomorrow.
- If you're gonna be a puppet fucker,
you be the best puppet fucker you can be.
- Hmm.
- I think that went well.
- Yeah. Great. Netflix and chill?
- Oh yeah.
- Tit punch.
- Our family is so broken.
Allie stole Gail's boyfriend. They hate each other.
Your mother ran off with this sword swallower
from the last crew she was on.
Our marriage has been on the rocks for quite a while.
You know, when we got together, when we were kids,
you promised me this wonderful life.
This wasn't what I expected.
I need you to fix this, please.
I need you to be the hero that you told me
you were gonna be all those years ago.
My hero.
- Hero.
Hero.
Heroes. Let's order Heroes. I'll have the veal.
What do you want?
- A shotgun and an airtight alibi.
- Hey Jack?
Why is Teddy Ruxpin's eye glowing?
- It's just a reflection hanging off the China ball
or something.
Hey Gail? - Yeah?
Tip shaft ball.
Oh!
- Every relationship hits a wall.
But Jack, trust me, that puppet is nothing
if not resilient.
He can turn a cleaning day into a booty call
in a heartbeat.
- You could help, you know.
- You could dress sexier when you do it.
- And why would I wanna do that?
- Take a look at the bucket over there.
- Aww. Okay.
Next time I'll go out and buy something sexy.
- No need, take a look in the trash can.
Put that shit on s'il vous plait.
- If I wear that, I'll never get any cleaning done.
- That's the point.
- Okay.
- Your sister's going through a really rough time
and it's because of you two.
- Dude!
- Dude, nothing. You need to fix this.
- Mom. Just calm down. What's happening?
- Well, I'll explain it to you,
but it's not gonna make much sense.
- Dude.
- Gail upgraded.
- Dude!
- Bonjour.
- You're like a rosy the robot, but flesh colored.
I'm fluffing myself.
- I cannot believe she replaced me with a puppet.
- Dude. - A puppet!
- Dude.
- We've been together nine years and she replaces me with a
Waldorf staggered looking Muppet.
- Dude.
- I mean, am I just so insignificant
that she can just replace me with two feet of stuffing?
He doesn't even have a dick.
- Dude.
- You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm being really uncool.
- You are. - I'm sorry.
- You are.
- Thank you.
- Let's go get smoothies.
- I'm Kelly.
And by the time you see this I'll be dead.
On March 27th, 2016, my life was changed forever.
On that night, I met and began a relationship with a puppet.
It was all so exciting at first.
- You know the first step to fixing the problem
is admitting you have one.
- Can I get a risotto babe?
- What'd she say?
- She said he's kind and funny.
- He's a puppet.
- And he's got a really big...
- Oh my God, he's a fucking puppet.
- And that it's harder than yours.
- Come on. Really?
- It's probably small...
- It's just stuff and fluffing. I mean,
fuck that bullshit.
- It's probably just from the pot you smoke.
- Really?
- What? I mean it's not a consistent problem.
And there are pills for this.
I've been doing research.
- Dude!
- And closer to home, the comedy world is rocked
as an audience member steals one of America's
best known puppets.
- Police say a deranged and obviously intoxicated
young lady stole the puppet post show at the bar of a
popular city comedy club.
- Oh shit!
- Our reporter was live and on the scene.
- We're here at a local comedy club where comedian
Frank Horvath had his beloved puppet, Grandpa Bra
stolen over two weeks ago.
Frank?
- He was my first puppet.
He means everything to me. I, who would do this?
He's priceless!
- Any idea on his whereabouts?
- Nothing. I mean, there was no demands, no ransom.
What kind of animal would do this?
The club set up a reward.
So if you have him or any information on his whereabouts,
please contact the club.
- Yes, so far $85,000 has been raised for the safe return
of Grandpa Bra.
- Hey little buddy.
I'm gonna come and get you. I'm gonna rescue you.
Believe me. And if you're out there and you have him,
I will find you and I will hunt you down.
I have a very specific set of skills.
I'm gonna get you!
- Back to you.
- That is such a sad story. But police have a lead.
- What some women won't do to find the right man.
- I just love to clean, but you're a dirty, dirty boy.
- Police have released the surveillance.
Anyone with information is asked to call the one on eight.
- Why couldn't you have just taken my kids?
Nobody wants them anyway.
- Oh no.
- If you're gonna have sex with a puppet...
- Had his beloved puppet Grandpa Bra stolen over two...
Dude!
- Oh my God, Gail.
Oh for shit's sake.
- I think that club is next to the Italian deli
where I buy the super sub.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
Our daughter's a felon
and all you are thinking about is salami.
- Yeah.
- Hey Emma.
She what?
Like gangsta bitch.
Oh yeah. Someone is definitely gonna report that.
- So,
I'm told you have information about the missing puppet.
- Yeah. I've been waiting here for an hour
and no one seems to want to take my information.
- Yeah. That's because since the news report,
everyone and their mother has information on the puppet.
- Well, I actually know where it is.
- Yeah. Why is that? Did you take it?
- No, but my ex did, so.
- All right then where is she? We'll go get it.
- Well, how do I know you're gonna give me the reward money?
- Hey Simpson. Ah, hey Andy.
- Hey, Coop.
- You know this guy?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, used to arrest of him a lot for pot back in the day.
One time he did so many shrooms he tried to dance with
a bunch of sanitation workers.
- Yeah those were good times.
Ow guys.
- Says the puppet is with his ex-girlfriend.
- Gail. Yeah. Nice lady.
She used to cut me to bail him out all the time.
Though, I think actually her sister blowing that job now.
They're, uh, boning.
- You said bone.
- You're having sex with your ex-girlfriend's sister?
- Yeah dude. Pound it. Pound it. Lock it. Drop it.
- Classy guy.
- You know what? Her address is in his file.
So why don't you grab Griffin, go check it out
and I'll stay here and keep an eye on Andy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Why do I have to wait here? That's not cool guys.
- Think of it like the lottery.
If I go and I find a puppet, you get a check.
- Ooh, cool. High five.
Handshake?
Secret handshake. Fist bump? No?
Glasses.
- Lay off the donuts. Both of you.
- Hey!
- See you glasses.
- Hey Andy? - Yeah Coop?
- If they don't find a puppet,
they're gonna come back here and file charges against you
for filing a false police report.
- Dude.
- And then you're going to the tombs.
- Dude.
- Sympathy donut? Ow.
- Never touch the donuts.
- Fine.
- You know better. - I know.
- Gail Spicolli?
Detective Simpson. This is my partner, Detective Griffin.
We need to ask you some questions about a puppet.
May we come in?
This will go a whole lot better
if you just tell us where the puppet is.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- We have video surveillance of you leaving the comedy club
with puppet feet sticking out from under your shirt.
- It wasn't me.
- Excuse me.
Did you find it?
- Not a trace.
If she's holding it, she probably dumped it.
It's been two weeks.
- I get the feeling this broad is still hiding something.
So...
- Short of tearing off the floorboards.
If she left in a safe deposit box,
I don't know whether this loony broad is holding it.
- Huh?
- But there's one odd thing you should see.
Bondage ropes on the bed.
Look.
Puppet sized.
- That's just sick.
- That's a really special kind of crazy.
- Why are the beautiful ones always so crazy?
- Think I should look around some more.
- Yeah.
- Nice outfit.
Police here yet?
- In the bedroom. How'd you know?
- It's on TV. You're both famous. Don't say a word.
Detectives.
I'm Jen Flores, Ms. Spicolli's attorney.
This search and questioning is over.
- If she has nothing hide.
- Here is my number, contact my office and you can set up
a meeting where she'll be present with counsel.
- You know, your client did let us in, so.
- And I'm sure you apprised her of all her rights.
Did you find anything while you conducted your illegal
search through her underwear?
- No, but your client is acting suspicious.
I mean, look at how she's dressed.
- Your lady doesn't dress like this for you anymore?
Poor thing.
- Look at the ropes on the bed. They're set up for a puppet.
- Or a woman.
Perhaps one about my size?
- What does that have to, oh.
Oh.
- Did you find the puppet? - No ma'am.
- Is my client under arrest?
- No.
- Then I believe I asked you to leave.
Is it the woman thing or the lesbian thing
that's making you drag your feet.
Please let me know what to tell the press.
- We're on our way out.
- You have my number.
If you wanna talk to her, call me.
So where is he?
What a
fucking awesome hiding spot.
Cab or Pino?
- Cab.
- Okay. You're gonna drink this wine tonight.
Tomorrow you are going to see a shrink.
Okay?
- Yeah okay.
- Where did that come from?
- No talking! Just make me squeak again!
- What? I mean? I don't know.
Grandpa Bra is my friend.
- I'm not fucking around! Get down there and make me squeak
again or God help me. I'll go to TMZ crying about how you
keep puttin' your hand up my ass without asking for consent.
I swear to God I'll make you look like a low budget
Harvey Weinstein.
- Okay. Okay, I'll go.
- Oh. Oh yeah.
That's right, two can play this human fucking game.
Oh yeah.
- So you're dating...
- Jack.
- Jack the puppet.
- I don't know how it happened.
- Okay. Well, you know, it is all over the news, right?
You need to admit you stole it and give it back.
- I don't know how to quit him.
- Okay.
So you need to stop with the broke back puppet shit.
I interviewed your mom, your dad, your sister,
and your friend Jen.
You had an asshole boyfriend
who dumped you in the worst way.
I'm sorry. It really sucks,
but it happens and you need to deal with it.
You stole a puppet and now you're crazy ass thinks
he's real and you're dating.
- He is real.
- No, he's not.
- He's real to me.
- Stop it.
- Are you gonna take him away?
- It might be better for you if I did, but nope.
I'm not gonna do it.
You really need to figure this out on your own.
And I really hope you do it before you get arrested.
You wouldn't believe what Jen did
to keep that puppet safe.
- That's Gail's sister.
She's the one that caused Gail to go crazy.
- How?
- Started doing Gail's live in boyfriend.
- Dude. - Dude.
- He's the one that called in the tip.
He just wants to reward money.
- Greedy bastard and he's hitting them both.
- Yeah.
- Dude. - Dude.
- Oh my God. What?
What are you doing here? - Something good.
- Outside of my therapists office? Are you kidding?
You've just been waiting to accost here?
- I'm not accosting you.
- My most vulnerable. I am here because of you!
- I'll explain.
- No, I don't want you to explain.
I don't wanna hear anything you have to say.
Just go home.
Go home to Andy. Go home Allie.
I don't wanna look at you.
I don't wanna talk to you.
I don't wanna speak to you ever again. Get out!
- Guy, let's go get our puppy.
- She was just waiting for me
right outside the therapists office.
Like some kind of mind games. I don't even know.
- She's not-
- Gail Spicolli.
Warrant.
- I'll take that.
All right. It's legit.
Give me your handbag.
No need to be grabby.
- You got it?
- That's a negatory.
- Satisfied?
- All right. It's not in your purse.
It's not in your house. Where is it?
- Warrant only covers the house and the purse.
We're done here?
- If you say so.
- Come on. - Thank you.
- Oh my God! What are you doing here? Did you touch him?
- No. - Oh my God.
It wasn't enough for you to take Andy from me.
You have to take Jack too?
- No. Jen asked me to get him here to you.
I guess she thought with Andy being the one that
ratted you out, the police probably wouldn't search me.
- Thank you.
Andy's an asshole.
- Yeah, he is.
I'm sorry.
Andy and I broke up.
- Why?
- Because I want my sister back.
- Aww.
- Look, I have a steady job and yeah sure,
Jack's a puppet, but he loves me and treats me well.
I mean, our relationship is so sound, you know?
It's just nothing but love and understanding and passion and
our home life is amazing.
And our sex life is amazing.
And frankly, I don't see what the big deal is.
- Well, professionally speaking,
I mean you're fucking nuts Gail.
- Oh.
I mean, I do fuck the nuts sometimes.
He likes it when I pay special attention.
Just like. No?
- No. No.
- Just like a...
- You're crazy. Stop!
- No? - No.
- I have to go.
- Careful out there.
- Is she getting better?
- Oh yeah. She's fine.
- Well, on the other hand,
she hasn't mentioned the puppet in like six weeks.
- Do we have any cavatelli?
- I want a divorce.
- Is someone here?
- Nobody's here.
- I should go check.
- Nah, don't stop now.
I'm gonna wind up with cotton balls.
Oh yeah. What are you doing with that loofah?
Don't stick it in there.
Oh wait, no. Stick it in there.
Oh!
- For the love of Jim Henson, she has the got damn puppet.
- Look. We searched her place four times.
We searched her bag seven times. She don't have it.
- Come on, Andy. Give it up.
- I don't have it. All right.
Listen, the two of you should just be better at your jobs.
You have one fucking job to do,
which is find the puppet so I can get the reward money.
What the fuck is wrong with the two of you?
You're like the stupidest cops in all of fucking New York.
- Listen, you realize you're yelling at
two guys with guns, right?
- Yeah. If we shoot you, no one's gonna hold a protest.
- There's no hipster lives matter.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Does this guy smell like pot to you?
- What?
- Yeah. Smell like he hid a kilo on him.
- Yeah. I bet if we search him, we're gonna find some drugs.
- Guys. Guys. Come on.
Let's be cool about this. It's all cool.
Smoke bomb!
- I hate it when they run.
- Fuck!
- Baby won't you be my husband?
Come on big daddy won't you need me around?
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Baby grease on the tit.
- Never cook bacon naked.
- I could lick it off for ya.
- Maybe later.
- How about now? How about that one later?
Oh, let's get some now and laters.
- You love me. Let me show you what's going on.
- I don't think she's crazy anymore.
- Oh no. Of course not. No, of course not.
Oh God, oh Jesus.
Oh God! Fucking God! My cocking balls in my spine.
I don't even have bones, but this fucking hurts.
- Gail.
All you do is give, but what is Jack doing?
Is he giving you massages?
Come on. He hasn't worked in nearly four months.
You pay all the bills.
He doesn't even take you out. Are you listening to me?
Even if he wanted to take you out,
he's wanted by the police.
I know you love him. Look at me,
but what is he doing for you? I mean, what does he do?
- Bazinga!
- Happy New Year!
- You do everything.
- You just don't get it.
- I don't. I don't get it.
- Even with a woman as sexy as Gail,
it's hard to stay focused on just one.
But fortunately Gail is kinda woman that knows the way
into a puppet's heart.
- What?
- Can I help you?
You seem to like this.
What are you thinking?
- Let's color my dick with markers
and then taste the rainbow.
- And still Gail was holding on.
Deep down she suspected something was wrong,
but she held on as long as she could.
And Jack,
well, his mind wandered.
Perhaps through time, long ago.
- Give it to me.
Hurry you son of a bitch. I'm gonna squeak.
I'm gonna squeak!
- Oh my God, Jack!
- No.
- Is this what you do all day when I'm not here?
- Baby.
- Don't you baby me. Let me see this.
- Don't.
- That is disgusting.
- It means nothing.
- I don't understand how you would look at this
disgusting shit when you have a real woman right here.
- I'm so sorry, baby. It won't happen again.
- Have you slept with any of these furries?
- Baby, baby.
- Have you? Answer me Jack.
- That is such an unfair question.
- Answer me.
- I am not going to be any part of this craziness.
- Answer me Jack. Or so help me God.
I'll do something we'll both regret.
- Don't do this baby. I love you.
- I'll do it.
- You'll know I'm not color fast, baby.
- Last chance.
- Fine.
Yes. I slept with Kukla, Ms. Piggie, Lambchop.
I mean, what do you want from me?
I'm a puppet, you know? We have urges.
- Anyone else?
Anyone else Jack?
- Triumph. The insult comic dog.
When I was in college and I was drunk.
I was experimenting.
- You are sleeping on the couch tonight.
I need some time to think.
- Fine. Can I have the laptop though?
- No!
- Damn baby. People are right about you, you know?
You're nuts, frigging nuts.
- And I know I should be more understanding. I just,
I can't wrap my head around it.
He's at home all day rubbing one out to Lambchop
while I'm at work. And I mean,
I know I'm more attractive than Lambchop.
I'm more attractive. - Right? Okay.
Cause he's not doing any of it because he's not real.
Listen,
you stole a puppet and invented the love you wanted
because you had this asshole boyfriend dump you.
I get it. It's fine.
Just let it go.
- For the last time, he is real.
- Mcfly. No, he's not real. Okay?
My five year old had an easier time getting
that Santa Claus isn't real. Five, she's five.
And you, you're sitting here, a grown as woman, trying to
convince me that you're dating a puppet.
You are not dating a puppet.
I've been here too got damn long.
I spent too much money on fucking school to fucking sit here
and listen to you go crazy. This is insane.
I've never committed a patient.
I've never prescribed any medication.
But if you don't figure this shit out, I will drop you
at myself.
And I'll prescribe so much Prozac that you
won't be able to stand up for the next three months.
You get me?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay. Now get the fuck outta here.
- 20 minutes left in the session.
- Yeah. If you think I'm gonna sit here
for the next 20 minutes, listening to you talk about
50 shades of gray meets avenue cue.
You're fucking crazier than I thought.
- Leave! - Bye.
- Crazy bitch.
- Hey.
- I'm sorry. They shouldn't have handcuffed you.
- No they shouldn't.
Thanks.
So where's your partner?
- He's at your place conducting the search.
- There's no puppet there.
- All right then where did you hide it?
- I don't think I'm supposed to say anything without my
attorney present.
- You're right.
She's with Griffin at your apartment,
they're doing the search.
- When can I go home?
- Well, if we don't find the puppet,
then as soon as your lawyer gets here, free to go.
- Okay.
- Sweetheart?
- What did you just call me?
- No, the candy, it's sweethearts.
I understand the, sorry.
- I don't know.
Do you always offer candy to people you've had handcuffed?
- Only the cute ones.
Can I ask you something off the record?
Not about the puppet.
- Sure.
- I met your ex-boyfriend, Andy.
How does
someone like you end up with a human bong like that?
- Yeah, he is basically a bong with legs. Isn't he?
I don't know. He used to be sweet.
I always thought he was this really good listener.
Turned out he was just tying his balls
and zoned out all the time.
- Well, at least you upgraded.
Your lawyer seems like a perfect fit.
- Appears that way.
No my current relationship isn't perfect, but it's,
it's what I need right now.
- But you still want more?
- Don't we all?
- Honestly, I just like to find something real.
- Me too.
So what about you? No Mrs. Simpson?
- No,
I don't meet a lot of people I'm interested in.
Then when I do, they already have someone.
Most of the women I meet are actually here at work.
The captain frowns on us dating suspects. So.
- Well, nothing says you couldn't ask her out after
she's been cleared.
- No, I guess that would be okay.
- Hey Simps.
Oh, hey Gail.
- Hey, how's your honey?
- Sweet as always.
- Any news?
- Yes, actually they could not find the puppet
and your employer is raising holy hell right now.
She's threatening to sue everybody.
So unless you confess to something,
we gotta let her go.
- Well, Ms. Spicolli.
- Gail.
I guess you're free to go.
- Thank you.
- I hope that we meet again under different circumstances.
- I think I should go.
Thanks for the candy.
Excuse me.
- Down killer.
- I really hope she's not guilty.
I think I like her a lot.
- Oh.
The whole department knows that not only is she crazy,
she's super guilty. Super guilty.
- Where's the puppet then Cooper?
- It's only a matter of time before we find it.
- Oh. Oh, so she's guilty,
but you couldn't find the puppet.
- You're the one out in the field with Griffin.
Don't blame me.
- Fine if she's guilty, then you're a bad cop.
- If she's guilty, I'm gonna give you all my donuts.
- I don't want your donuts.
- You're gonna eat my donuts.
- Sanchez put those in his ass.
You're welcome.
Psst.
Hey!
- Hey. Fuck you're a bunny.
- And you're a loser hipster asshole.
What's your fucking point?
Do you have the information? Huh?
- Yeah. You got what I need?
- Take it.
- How do I know these are gonna work?
- Look, it's what they use when they're making furry porn.
If it's gonna keep a puppet dick hard,
I'm sure it'll work on your flesh thimble.
Now gimme the information before I go postal.
- You know what? Actually, you're not a nice bunny.
- Shut the fuck up you limp dick hipster!
- No wonder he left her.
- What is going on in here? Jack?
- It's time.
- I don't think I can do this.
- Yes you can. You're strong.
- We're all here for you.
- I don't know.
- We miss you Gail. And we know it's been a rough year, but,
and he gave you something.
But it's time to move on.
And there's a ventriloquist out there who's
worried sick about his friend.
Do it for him and do it for you.
- You're right.
- Do you think any of these broads would be into a threeway?
- Do it! Do it! Tape! Tape!
- I'll never let go Jack.
- Gail.
Gail.
Here.
This is more socially acceptable. Okay?
- Is that Oscar? You still have this?
- Of course.
- Hey.
- Don't make it talk.
- Right.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- A happy ending as a ventriloquist is reunited with his
beloved puppet. Frank, what happened?
- The club manager, he just called me and
apparently somebody dropped him off, rang the buzzer
and ran away.
- Any damage?
- No, he's perfectly fine.
Other than some lipstick stains in some questionable
places. Nothing that a, you know, stain stick can't get out.
- Any idea where he was the last 17 weeks?
- No idea. I...
Grandpa. Where were you?
- Well, puppet's gotta get a little something,
something sometime. You know what I mean? Yeah.
What's your name, baby?
I like the way you hold that microphone.
- Okay.
There was a note in the box apologizing and asking that the
reward money be donated to a woman's mental health charity.
Back to you in the studio.
- Jack. I love you.
I thought I was gonna be Ms. Jack.
I was gonna be Ms. Jack.
- Hey.
Yeah, I'll get a.
- You should do a shot.
- I get kind of wild when I do shots.
- I like kind of wild. How wild are we talking here?
- Ever heard of a Kentucky menthol cobra?
- I got a funnel and there's a hotel around the corner.
- Let's go.
- Ms. Picolli.
- Detective? - Yeah.
Listen I just wanna let you know that the puppet
was mysteriously returned to the club.
So we were wrong to have thought it was you.
Just wanna let you know we're not gonna bother you anymore.
- Thank you.
I'm glad to hear he was returned safely.
- Yeah.
Look, I'd love to make it up to you.
I could take it for a cup of coffee.
- Are you asking me out detective?
- Victor.
No, I know you're dating your lawyer.
- She's just a friend. We're not dating.
- Oh, in that case how about we skip coffee.
Do dinner?
- I'd like that.
- Great!
- Great.
- I'll walk you.
- Okay.
- Where are you headed?
- Nowhere.
- Just looking at the river?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
- Shut up and take off your clothes.
- I'm gonna go all cape fear on this bitch!
I can't watch.
I am going to jerk off though.
- And they all lived happily ever after.
Well, there might have been a hitch or two.
- Look, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea you two were a couple.
- Married. We're married.
- He never told me. I'm really sorry.
- Did you ever ask?
You destroyed our home! You ruined our family!
I can't believe you do this to us.
- I didn't mean to. Besides we broke up.
Look, I feel just horrible.
Can I get you something to drink? Maybe a coffee.
- Fuck your coffee and fuck your pity
you blonde haired bitch!
You think you're so superior
'cuz your big fucking tits and legs?
Oh you come walking in here with your long legs
and your tits, well you're a miserable piece of shit.
Fuck you and fuck him.
You two twats deserve each other.
Oh, I don't know what I was thinking.
I knew that puppet couldn't keep his hands off the humans.
And as for you Blondie,
you just stay the fuck away from me or
I'll carve a new asshole into your forehead.
- Oh my.
- You're both a pair of cunts! Bitches!
- That's just mean.
- Sharmuta! Fucking bitches cunting whores.
She's a bitch cunt whore.
- I seriously have no idea where he is.
- He told me if I came by today he'd give me money.
- Well he doesn't live here anymore.
You have to leave.
Hey, Hey.
- Sorry man, I'll work for it.
- Nope. Not thanks. You gotta go.
- It makes you feel any...
- Please don't be dead. Please don't be dead.
I'm dating a cop. I can't explain a dead sock puppet.
- Better. Yeah if it makes you feel any better
whenever I did him he put on a tape of you two doing it.
- He never filmed us.
- Left hip, Wonder Woman tattoo.
- That fucker filmed me!
- 50 bucks. I'll tell you where the camera is.
- I'll give you a dollar.
- Make it two.
- Deal.
- It's in Teddy Ruxpin.
- Fucking Teddy Ruxpin.
Fuck outta my apartment.
- Get out. Get outta here. Get out.
Get. Get. Get. Get. Get outta here.
Get outta here.
Yeah.
And it will truly be like pooping on poop.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, move the cat now.