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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Fluffy! Fluffy!
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Houston!
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Five, four, three, two, one!
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♪ Macho, macho man ♪
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♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪
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♪ Macho, macho man ♪
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♪ I've got to be a macho! ♪
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♪ Macho, macho man ♪
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♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪
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♪ Macho, macho man ♪
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♪ I've got to be a macho! ♪
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How are you?
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Whoo!
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Oh, man! That's a long walk.
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Thank you so much, Houston.
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One year ago,
this city was flipped upside down
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by a hurricane,
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un cabrón named Harvey.
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And they said that this city
would never be the same.
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I think it's beautiful that, a year later,
we're all here celebrating together
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the fact that this city is resilient.
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And you guys persevered.
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Houston's strong, baby.
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That's serious. In all sincerity, guys,
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I'm not trying to kiss your ass.
I already got your money.
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Freaking Houston. I love this town.
I've been coming here for 20 years.
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Twenty years.
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Started off performing at a comedy club
called The Last Stop.
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And then, of course, we jumped over
to the Improv, and then--
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I performed everywhere.
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I even did a one-nighter in Tomball.
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That's a long story
for the people at home.
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I won't even get into that.
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I want to give you guys a heads-up
and let you know now that tonight
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I feel extra comfortable.
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You're going to notice that you might hear
a little bit more Spanish
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than you normally would.
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And you can't do that just anywhere,
but you can do that in Houston.
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Now, to everyone watching at home
who is freaking out,
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like, "Oh, my God!
I didn't sign up for this."
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If I say something in Spanish,
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my promise is to translate immediately
so that everyone enjoys the show.
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Okay?
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'Cause I know the second I said Spanish,
people are freaking out, you know.
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All the people that drove in
from the woodlands are like, "Hey!"
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And for everyone at home,
what does he mean by that,
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the people from the woodlands?
You know.
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"I know he is not referring to us."
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"The nerve of him!"
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"He needs to go back where he came from,
over by Airline Road."
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That's right.
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I know where you keep your brown people.
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This is awesome.
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This always pisses off Netflix.
They're like,
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"Gabriel, we really wish
you would just do a show
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that's general,
that everybody understands.
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Why do you have to make your show
so personal?
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Only people in that city
are going to get it."
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Well, when you have an arena
full of people,
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you want them to get it.
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You want that extra personal
special touch.
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I don't care what they say.
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I already got the check.
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Ha! So let me give you a heads-up
as to what has happened
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since the last time I did a special.
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Um, my son, Frankie,
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is now 19 years old.
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Nineteen years old,
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high school graduate,
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he has all his shots... Ladies?
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People tell me all the time.
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"Why do you talk
about your son so much?"
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Because he won't leave.
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"Does he like it when you talk about him?"
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I said, "No, he hates it."
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"Why do you do it?"
"'Cause he won't leave."
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I'll tell you what he likes
to do right now.
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He likes to sit around the house
and watch videos
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of other kids playing video games.
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See, some of you are clapping.
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I didn't know that was an actual thing.
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I asked him, "What are you doing?"
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"I'm watching other kids
playing video games."
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I said, "That's
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Why?"
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"Well, they're professionals."
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I'm like, "Why would you watch something
that you could be doing?"
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"'Cause they're professionals."
"That's dumb."
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"Really, Dad? Every Sunday
I see you watching football.
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How come you don't play?"
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I don't even argue.
I just cut off the Internet.
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My son's problem right now is that he has,
according to him,
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too many options.
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Okay? That's his problem.
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I'm like, "Poor guy!"
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"I have so many options, Dad.
I don't know what to do."
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Write them down.
Put them on a wheel. Freaking--
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Today: plumber.
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Something!
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The problem is we go places,
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people find out he is my son
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and then they offer him opportunities.
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He doesn't understand that
that's not how the real world works.
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I know about struggling and clawing,
and fighting
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for the opportunity to do something.
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He doesn't get it yet.
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And that's my fault.
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For example, I take him and his mom
out to dinner, okay?
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I took them both to Red Lobster.
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Now, Houston. Me, personally,
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I love Red Lobster, okay?
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And not even for the seafood. I'm talking about the biscuits.
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Oh, yeah. It's real good.
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So we're sitting there,
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and we're having a conversation
with our son about life, opportunity,
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what does he want to do with himself...
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And as we're talking to him,
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the manager from Red Lobster
walks over to our table.
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And he's being really cool, right?
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He's like, "Hey!"
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And I'm like, "Hey!"
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He looks at my son,
"Is this the infamous Frankie?"
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And I say, "Why, yes, it is!
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He just graduated."
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"Congratulations!"
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"And he's looking for a job."
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The manager goes, "Oh, say no more."
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And he gives my son a business card
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and then he starts to say,
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"Listen, Frankie,
this is all you have to do.
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Just go online
and fill out the application.
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Once it's registered, call me personally
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and I'll see to it
that you get an interview.
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The only position we have available
right now is for a host,
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but there's plenty of room
for opportunity here at Red Lobster.
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Besides, you got one hell of a reference."
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And then he walked away
and I was like,
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"Oh, my God.
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I'm going to get free biscuits!"
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My son looks at me and says, "I don't want
to work at Red Lobster."
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I said, "Frankie, no one is making
you work anywhere.
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This is just another opportunity
that you're wasting.
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Okay. No Red Lobster. What's your plan?"
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"I don't know."
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I got frustrated.
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So I raised my voice.
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"Well, you better start thinking."
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His mom didn't like that.
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"Don't talk to him like that."
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I said, "Look, biscuit blocker..."
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See, up to this point we have agreed
on how we raise our son.
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But in this situation, she's trying
to protect him from the world.
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I'm trying to prepare him for the world.
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If he cannot handle me raising my voice
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to get his attention
to see the bigger picture,
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he's not ready for a world
that doesn't care about his feelings.
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So I said, "You know what?
I got to have a one-on-one with him.
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I got to have a one-on-one with, uh--"
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So I take him out to the movies.
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I take him out to the movies,
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we get in the car, we take off.
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A little 20
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As we're driving I figure I'll have
a little one-on-one with him.
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Maybe this way
it doesn't feel like a talk talk.
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I thought he understood
what I was trying to say.
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It's late. We're leaving the movies.
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We're pulling out
of the parking structure
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and out of the corner of my eye,
I see a cop car. And I made a sound, I was like, "Ugh!"
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And Frankie goes, "What is it, Dad?"
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I say, "There's a cop at the light."
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"What are you worried about?"
"He's going to stop us."
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"How do you know?"
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"Watch."
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I made that left turn...
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Frankie's losing it.
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"It's happening!"
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I said, "Relax."
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I pull over.
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Cop pulls up from behind.
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Immediately.
"Driver, windows down."
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"Driver, hands out the window."
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Serious?
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"Both of them."
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"I can't, I'm fat!"
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He gets to the window,
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and he's got the flashlight.
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And he shines the light
right in my face.
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He's like, "License."
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"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here."
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He takes the license and then,
of course, you know,
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"Do you know why I stopped you?"
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"Officer, no, I don't, but I'm sure
you're about to tell me."
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"You don't have a front plate
on your car."
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I said, "Officer, you're absolutely right.
I do not have a front plate on my car,
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but my name is actually
on the front of the car."
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"Excuse me?"
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"My name is on the front of the car."
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I own a 2012 Ford Flex
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and the Ford Flex has the actual word
"flex" written on the hood.
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I have a friend who does
custom automotive work
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and he took all the letters off the car
except for the letter F,
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and he made letters so that
it spells "Fluffy" on the hood.
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Okay? Yeah.
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-It sounds impressive.
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You can do it too for like $23.
It's not that bad.
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They're like refrigerator magnets.
You can even move them.
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Like, one day a letter flew off
and it said "Fuffy".
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Que pendejo. I know, stupid, right? So...
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The officer walks around to the front
of the car and he takes his flashlight
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and he shines the light right on the hood,
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and he does this, he goes,
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"I knew it!"
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And my son goes,
"What does that mean?"
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I said, "That means we get to go."
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Oh, Houston, for the first time
in a long time,
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my son was actually impressed
by something that I did.
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You got to figure.
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This is not impressive to my son.
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Because he grew up in this environment.
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Okay, this does--
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You saw that, right?
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00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:44,680
I saw like a--
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00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:51,562
That's like the third one I've seen!
This stuff keeps
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People upstairs from Tomball,
"Keep talking."
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00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,249
Alright, I'll tell you guys what happened.
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00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:15,878
Shakira performed here a few days ago.
229
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:19,006
And Shakira has an amazing show, okay?
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00:13:19,089 --> 00:13:23,969
She doesn't just come out and...
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♪ Together, together ♪
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I think I just hurt myself.
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00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,281
But there's a part of her show,
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where all of a sudden it was...
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And there's cannons with confetti
that shoot everywhere, right?
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00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,997
And I think that was left-over Shakira.
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Can we edit out the part
where I burned 800 calories?
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Oh, my God!
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00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:06,637
So, where was I? Oh! This.
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00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:08,889
Does nothing for my son.
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00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:13,435
and the reason why I say that is because
he grew up in this environment.
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00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,354
He's been to a thousand shows.
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00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:17,606
He's seen me on TV a million times.
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00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,233
It's not a big deal,
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00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:21,777
but the fact that I got stopped by a cop
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00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:25,155
and the cop recognized me and geeked out
and let us go,
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00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,575
I earned street cred with my kid!
248
00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:32,204
Yeah, Frankie was like,
"That's the coolest thing I've ever seen!"
249
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,331
And I'm like, "Hell, yeah, cos'.
That's right.
250
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:36,792
You better recognize, player."
251
00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:41,964
We get home, he woke up his mom!
252
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,592
"Mom, you should've seen it!
We got stopped by the cops!"
253
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:45,759
"Are you okay?"
254
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,470
"Yeah! They recognized Dad
and they let us go."
255
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:52,558
She stayed quiet and I told her,
"Huh? I got recognized!"
256
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,352
And she said, "Ah!"
257
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:02,318
So my son,
258
00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:04,445
what he likes to do now, like I said,
259
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:08,032
Frankie likes to stay home
and watch videos.
260
00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:09,825
I come downstairs one morning
261
00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:11,535
and he's on his phone,
262
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:15,289
but the chair that he's sitting in
is turned, facing the window,
263
00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:16,540
which I thought was weird.
264
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:17,666
So I called to him,
265
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,543
"Frankie, what are you doing?"
266
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,378
Nothing. So he can't hear--
267
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:22,713
"Frankie!"
268
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,299
He can't hear. So I walked up from behind,
269
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:28,969
and I realized that my son
has little headphones.
270
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:32,306
That's-- Oh, okay, okay.
Yeah, he's not ignoring me.
271
00:15:32,389 --> 00:15:33,891
So I look over his shoulder,
272
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,853
and I realize that my son is watching
273
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:39,396
a film.
274
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:43,776
And I don't mean Frozen.
275
00:15:45,569 --> 00:15:47,237
But those people look cold.
276
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,699
So now I'm standing there
277
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:52,284
watching it with him.
278
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,704
I'm not trying to bond or anything.
279
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,415
I'm just trying to figure out
the conversation I need to have
280
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:00,751
and now we're both
watching professionals.
281
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:05,297
So I grabbed his headphone and I went...
282
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,424
"Hey, is that a good movie?"
And he freaked out!
283
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,593
And he threw the phone.
284
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:14,098
The phone came partially undone
and you could hear it.
285
00:16:15,557 --> 00:16:17,309
Oh, it was bad.
286
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,562
"Not my face, not my face, not my face."
287
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:28,821
He turned bright red
and he starts walking back over.
288
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,614
"How embarrassing.
289
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:33,993
How long have you been standing there?"
290
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:36,745
I said, "Long enough to know
'not my face.'"
291
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,667
"Are you going to tell my mom?"
292
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:45,337
I said, "Frankie, I love you way too much
to do that to you.
293
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,089
I would never tell your mom.
294
00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:49,717
I'mma tell everybody else."
295
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,055
Hey, don't tell his mom.
296
00:16:57,141 --> 00:17:01,145
I said, "Look, I know you're not going
to stop watching stuff like this.
297
00:17:01,228 --> 00:17:02,771
So just do me a favor.
298
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,148
Don't do this here.
299
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:06,859
You're old enough now to watch
whatever you want to watch.
300
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:08,694
But as long as you live in this house,
301
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:12,156
you cannot be watching stuff like that
where your mom can catch you.
302
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,159
You're not going to stop,
so just don't do it here."
303
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,411
"How do you know I'm not gonna stop?"
304
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,414
"'Cause I haven't stopped.
305
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,585
Matter of fact, there's a sequel to that.
306
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:27,921
It's called Not my hair."
307
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,134
He said to me, "Que cochino!"
I know right?
308
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,138
I said, "Frankie,
309
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:38,932
you're going to watch stuff like that,
just go in your room.
310
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:41,310
Lock your door.
I don't want to catch you.
311
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,519
Okay, so let me know."
312
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,313
"Want me to text you?"
Never mind.
313
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:50,861
I'm in the middle of trying to deal
with this whole situation
314
00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:53,864
with my son watching these videos
and not going to work,
315
00:17:53,947 --> 00:17:55,282
and while I'm doing this,
316
00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:58,869
I get the most random phone call
I've ever gotten.
317
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:01,830
My publicist calls me up and she's like,
318
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:03,082
"Gabe!
319
00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:06,418
Snoop Dogg is looking for you."
320
00:18:09,129 --> 00:18:10,881
"
-"Snoop Dogg, you know--"
321
00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:12,341
"I know who Snoop Dogg is!
322
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,093
What do you mean,
he's looking for me?"
323
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,135
"Well, he's looking--"
324
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,097
"Is he looking for me
or is he looking for me?"
325
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,434
"He's a fan and he wants
to interview you."
326
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,812
"Oh, cool! Sounds good. What is it?"
327
00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:26,814
"I think it's some type of podcast."
328
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:28,774
"I'm in. Can I bring Frankie?"
329
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:29,858
"Absolutely."
330
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,860
"Cool." So I hang up the phone.
331
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,863
I'm excited. I want to tell my son.
I'm like, "Frankie!
332
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,241
I'm walking towards your room."
333
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:41,703
I'll be at your door in three, two,
334
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:42,788
one.
335
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,707
Hey! Alright, you're dressed.
Good. Come on, let's go.
336
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:47,918
"Where are we going?" "Watch."
337
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:50,838
We get in the car.
338
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:55,467
And now we're off on this adventure
to go do an interview with Snoop Dogg.
339
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,679
You guys, let me tell you something.
We get to the neighborhood
340
00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:00,180
and we're lost.
341
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:04,059
The GPS says we're there, but we're lost.
We're looking for a house,
342
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:07,354
and there's no house, just a big building.
343
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:10,774
And so I'm like, "This doesn't look--
A podcast"
344
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:12,609
So I pull up to the security gate.
345
00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:18,073
Tap the button on the wall.
346
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,783
"Security desk. Can I help you?"
347
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:22,536
Hey, Security Desk.
My name is Gabriel Iglesias.
348
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:25,414
I think I'm here to do an interview
with Snoop Dogg.
349
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:26,915
"Okay, one moment."
350
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,709
Oh, okay, this is it. Good, good.
351
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:31,461
I'm so excited. Snoop Dogg!
It's gonna be cool, right?
352
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:34,214
"Sir"
353
00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:38,260
"Yes, hi, there's no
Gilbert Ignazios on file."
354
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:39,970
What?
355
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:41,513
"Could it be another name?"
356
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:44,933
"Another name? I don't know.
Fluffy, maybe
357
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,144
And the gate starts to open.
358
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,481
I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm officially
in the rappers' world
359
00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,942
because my real name doesn't mean shit!"
360
00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:02,034
So we drive in.
361
00:20:02,117 --> 00:20:04,953
And we're passing all of these
reserved parking spaces.
362
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,538
Reserved, reserved, reserved, reserved.
363
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:09,958
And we get to my space,
which is basically an orange cone
364
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,085
that has "Fluffy" handwritten on it.
365
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:15,547
And a bunch of other names crossed off.
366
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:18,050
So Frankie moves the cone. I park the car.
367
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:20,677
We walk into the building.
368
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,972
My publicist is waiting for me, right?
She's like, "Gabe!
369
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,016
You made it. Frankie, how are you?
370
00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:27,059
Listen.
371
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,978
I just finished talking to Snoop.
372
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:31,688
Wow.
373
00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:35,651
He is everything you think he is
and just a little bit more.
374
00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:37,736
He is so sweet.
375
00:20:37,819 --> 00:20:40,906
I cannot believe he was charged
with double murder."
376
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:47,537
"He told me to just walk you guys
into the studio and he'll be right back.
377
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:51,875
He said he had to go outside and get in
the right headspace or something..."
378
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:53,377
"Okay, cool."
379
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:56,380
So she walks us into Snoop's studio.
380
00:20:57,130 --> 00:20:59,258
I'm thinking I'm there for a podcast,
381
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:01,635
come to find out it's for a TV show.
382
00:21:01,718 --> 00:21:05,055
Snoop has a TV show
where he interviews celebrities.
383
00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:08,892
Everyone in the room is waiting
for Snoop to return.
384
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:10,852
You can hear the small talk.
385
00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:19,569
All of a sudden, everyone stands up
386
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,530
and I'm looking around like,
"What's going on?"
387
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:24,950
And I look at the door to see
if Snoop's walking in and I don't see him
388
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:28,120
and I could see my son. "Dad!"
389
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:33,250
I don't realize it, but Snoop is entering
the room through a different door.
390
00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:35,794
I don't realize it till, like,
the last second.
391
00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:39,965
I'm like, "What do you--"
So I jump up, I push in my chair.
392
00:21:40,048 --> 00:21:43,135
I'm so nervous,
I don't know how to address him.
393
00:21:43,218 --> 00:21:44,303
So I'm like...
394
00:21:49,182 --> 00:21:51,727
I felt stupid. "Hi."
395
00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:57,024
Snoop walks over to me and he's so cool,
you guys.
396
00:21:57,107 --> 00:21:57,983
He's so cool.
397
00:21:58,066 --> 00:22:00,444
He walks over to me and he grabs my hand.
398
00:22:00,527 --> 00:22:01,695
He's really strong.
399
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,530
He pulls me in and he says,
400
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:06,199
"Yo, what it do, baby boo, how you feel?"
401
00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:17,002
"Thank you for having me."
402
00:22:17,210 --> 00:22:18,253
"Yeah."
403
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:21,214
"
-"For sure."
404
00:22:22,674 --> 00:22:25,302
I sit down, I look over, I see my son.
My son's like...
405
00:22:29,222 --> 00:22:31,558
The difference between Snoop's show
406
00:22:31,641 --> 00:22:35,062
versus any other talk show
I've ever done is that
407
00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:36,980
usually there's a person,
408
00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:40,650
like a producer or a director
who comes to you
409
00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:42,402
and gives you information, like how the show begins,
410
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:46,114
topics you're going to cover,
411
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:49,284
how you go to commercial,
how you come back from commercial...
412
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:51,078
I've spoken to no one.
413
00:22:51,411 --> 00:22:54,581
Snoop just starts talking
414
00:22:54,664 --> 00:22:57,292
and at some point, they hit "Record."
415
00:22:58,251 --> 00:23:01,505
I'm waiting for "Action!" or a buzzer.
416
00:23:01,588 --> 00:23:02,464
Something!
417
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,424
Snoop just starts talking to me.
418
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:06,551
"Yo, what up, big Fluff?"
419
00:23:08,178 --> 00:23:10,430
"Big Fluff? Oh, that's-- Hey!"
420
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,475
"Yo, you like music?"
421
00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:15,060
"Snoop, I love music.
422
00:23:15,143 --> 00:23:16,269
I love your music."
423
00:23:16,478 --> 00:23:17,771
"Yeah, that's what's up."
424
00:23:18,313 --> 00:23:20,565
He opens up a laptop computer
425
00:23:20,732 --> 00:23:22,275
and then he hits "play."
426
00:23:22,442 --> 00:23:25,362
And the next thing I know,
we are listening
427
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:29,074
to hardcore Mexican banda music.
428
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:31,993
I mean hardcore.
429
00:23:36,998 --> 00:23:39,292
And you can hear gunshots in the song.
430
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:46,800
And then a cow.
431
00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:53,515
And the whole time Snoop is like,
"I love it when he go moo."
432
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:55,559
What?
433
00:23:58,311 --> 00:24:01,565
I feel like he's messing with me
because I'm Mexican, right?
434
00:24:02,858 --> 00:24:04,401
So I called him out.
435
00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:05,485
I said, "Snoop.
436
00:24:05,569 --> 00:24:08,155
Do you understand
what you're listening to?"
437
00:24:08,738 --> 00:24:10,323
And he said this,
438
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:11,825
and it's scared me.
439
00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:15,287
He said, "Gangster recognize gangster."
440
00:24:18,039 --> 00:24:21,918
The reason why it scared me was
because he was telling the truth.
441
00:24:22,335 --> 00:24:23,920
We were listening
442
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:29,509
to actual Mexican cartel songs
that don't play on the radio.
443
00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:33,638
And the fact that he knew that, the fact
that his level of street knowledge
444
00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:35,807
in another language was that on point,
445
00:24:35,932 --> 00:24:37,684
I said, "I gotta shut the hell up."
446
00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:42,189
Don't speak unless spoken to.
That's the code.
447
00:24:45,525 --> 00:24:46,610
Next thing I know,
448
00:24:46,693 --> 00:24:48,612
Snoop reaches under the desk
449
00:24:48,945 --> 00:24:53,867
and he pulls out the biggest blunt
I have ever seen.
450
00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:56,912
Oh, this sucker was huge.
451
00:24:57,954 --> 00:25:00,457
As soon as he pulled out
that freaking blunt,
452
00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:03,793
got excited because I wanted to grab
my cell phone.
453
00:25:04,336 --> 00:25:07,714
Okay, I wanted to grab my cell phone
so that I could take a selfie
454
00:25:07,797 --> 00:25:10,884
of Snoop in the background being Snoop.
455
00:25:11,134 --> 00:25:13,386
So while I'm fumbling
trying to get my phone,
456
00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:15,347
Snoop starts talking to me again.
457
00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:16,473
"Yo, Big Fluff
458
00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:20,602
"Hit that while I hit this."
459
00:25:32,739 --> 00:25:34,991
The second I went like that,
460
00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:37,702
all of the cameras in the room: red light.
461
00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:38,954
Red light. Red light.
462
00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:40,330
Red light. Red light.
463
00:25:40,497 --> 00:25:42,165
My publicist is like,
464
00:25:42,457 --> 00:25:44,626
"No!"
465
00:25:45,293 --> 00:25:46,628
My son is like,
466
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:48,838
"Yeah!"
467
00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:52,133
And now I'm being faced, bro.
468
00:25:52,217 --> 00:25:55,262
I'm being faced with a serious situation,
because, you know,
469
00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:59,641
I've talked about friends participating
and doing stuff like this,
470
00:25:59,724 --> 00:26:02,769
but I've never openly talked
about myself...
471
00:26:03,311 --> 00:26:04,271
You know...
472
00:26:05,647 --> 00:26:08,358
And now I realized
that from this moment forward,
473
00:26:08,441 --> 00:26:11,027
people are going to know
what happened here with Snoop.
474
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:15,031
So I started trying to find ways
to justify it to myself.
475
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:17,117
You know...
476
00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:21,997
If you're going to do something like this
on camera,
477
00:26:23,915 --> 00:26:25,709
you want it to be with Snoop.
478
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:28,878
You want it to be with Snoop,
479
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:31,756
Cheech and Chong...
480
00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:38,096
...or Willie Nelson.
481
00:26:44,519 --> 00:26:47,480
Next thing I know,
the manager hands me a lighter.
482
00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:49,357
I light it and I take a big hit.
483
00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:58,241
So listen, I'm doing my best
to hold in all this smoke,
484
00:26:58,825 --> 00:27:02,329
because I don't want to look like a punk
in front of Snoop Dogg.
485
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:05,248
I'm trying, I'm fighting, bro.
It's hard, you know.
486
00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:23,266
The whole time Snoop is like,
"Hell, yeah.
487
00:27:24,517 --> 00:27:25,894
That's what I'm saying.
488
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:28,647
Fluffy going puffy today."
489
00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:40,325
I do not remember
the rest of the interview.
490
00:27:42,327 --> 00:27:44,829
What I remember is my buddy Anthony
491
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:47,791
telling Snoop Dogg and I
to stand up for a picture.
492
00:27:47,999 --> 00:27:49,417
"Stand up, get up for a picture."
493
00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:52,212
And so Snoop and I both stand up
to take this picture.
494
00:27:52,921 --> 00:27:54,589
I put my arm around him.
495
00:27:55,382 --> 00:28:00,011
I have to put my arm around him
because he's much taller than me, okay?
496
00:28:00,136 --> 00:28:02,305
Snoop has me by at least
497
00:28:02,389 --> 00:28:03,473
five inches.
498
00:28:04,808 --> 00:28:06,851
Shut up, alright
499
00:28:21,825 --> 00:28:23,993
You guys are laughing at the wrong jokes!
500
00:28:29,916 --> 00:28:31,126
Bow-wow!
501
00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:34,754
Bow-wow.
502
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,174
Everybody's like, "This is a family show!"
503
00:28:38,842 --> 00:28:41,177
Well, apparently,
that's how families are made.
504
00:28:43,012 --> 00:28:45,306
That was too funny, sir.
That was too funny.
505
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:49,060
It's sad how hard she laughed at that
as she looked right at you.
506
00:28:50,353 --> 00:28:52,856
I said, "Snoop has me by at least
five inches," and she's like...
507
00:28:54,899 --> 00:28:56,693
Almost like she wasn't even laughing
at me.
508
00:28:56,776 --> 00:28:58,278
She was like laughing at you.
509
00:28:58,820 --> 00:29:03,074
So apparently you guys have
some story that I just reignited.
510
00:29:03,158 --> 00:29:05,702
And now it's awkward
for all the kids.
511
00:29:07,412 --> 00:29:08,538
So anyway...
512
00:29:10,999 --> 00:29:13,001
Snoop and I are taking photos,
513
00:29:13,376 --> 00:29:14,836
and then I can hear my son.
514
00:29:14,919 --> 00:29:16,588
"Dad! Dad!"
515
00:29:16,671 --> 00:29:19,883
"Oh! Um, Snoop,
can my son take a photo with you?"
516
00:29:19,966 --> 00:29:20,884
"Yeah."
517
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:22,427
"Get over here!"
518
00:29:22,510 --> 00:29:25,346
And so Frankie runs up, you guys,
and he's so cute,
519
00:29:25,430 --> 00:29:27,599
because he's geeking out really hard.
He's like...
520
00:29:36,566 --> 00:29:39,402
"Snoop, this is my son, Frankie.
521
00:29:39,652 --> 00:29:42,113
Frankie, say hello to Snoop."
522
00:29:42,363 --> 00:29:45,366
And Snoop looks at me, and he's so cool,
Snoop is like...
523
00:29:45,450 --> 00:29:46,910
"Yo, this your kid?
524
00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:50,079
What up, Baby Fluff?"
525
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:54,292
And Frankie's like...
526
00:29:58,004 --> 00:30:00,256
"I don't like that name."
527
00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:02,675
"That's too bad. Get a job, go. Go."
528
00:30:04,928 --> 00:30:07,847
So Snoop and Frankie go into the corner
to take pictures.
529
00:30:07,972 --> 00:30:11,100
Meanwhile, I walk back over to the desk,
530
00:30:11,184 --> 00:30:15,897
because I want to grab the sheet
that has Snoop's name and my name on it.
531
00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:19,776
I want to have Snoop autograph it so that
I can frame it and put it on my wall.
532
00:30:20,318 --> 00:30:21,528
While I'm doing that,
533
00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:26,407
Frankie walks up from behind me and he
whispers in my ear, trying to be all cool.
534
00:30:26,491 --> 00:30:28,326
"Dad! Dad!"
535
00:30:28,409 --> 00:30:29,786
"Huh What?"
536
00:30:30,036 --> 00:30:34,290
"Dad, would it be okay
if I finish smoking that with Snoop?"
537
00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:47,220
Now I am being faced with the biggest
538
00:30:47,637 --> 00:30:51,182
moral decision of my life.
539
00:30:52,767 --> 00:30:53,935
And I'm high.
540
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,981
And my mind is racing
a thousand miles an hour.
541
00:30:58,064 --> 00:31:01,109
I'm like, "Should I let him, should I not?
Am I a good dad, am I a bad dad?
542
00:31:01,192 --> 00:31:03,069
What's his mom gonna think?
I need a Snickers."
543
00:31:03,152 --> 00:31:04,070
I'm just--
544
00:31:06,155 --> 00:31:07,574
And then I thought about it.
545
00:31:08,074 --> 00:31:09,200
"You know...
546
00:31:10,702 --> 00:31:12,704
Frankie, you're over 18.
547
00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:17,041
Technically, you don't have to ask me
if you don't want to, so as far as I'm--"
548
00:31:23,423 --> 00:31:24,382
"Where'd you go?"
549
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,051
A minute later,
550
00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:31,598
I am recording my son in a cloud
with Snoop Dogg.
551
00:31:34,350 --> 00:31:36,644
And then I sent the video to his mom.
552
00:31:39,939 --> 00:31:42,317
Hashtag biscuit blocker. Yes, I did.
553
00:31:47,655 --> 00:31:48,489
Now,
554
00:31:49,032 --> 00:31:51,242
did this actually happen?
555
00:31:51,576 --> 00:31:52,535
Yes, it did.
556
00:31:52,827 --> 00:31:55,246
You can go online
and watch the video on YouTube.
557
00:31:55,330 --> 00:31:58,917
Punch in "Snoop Dogg",
next to that put "Fluffy" or "Gabriel"
558
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,376
and you can see the whole thing.
559
00:32:00,627 --> 00:32:02,045
Let me know how it turns out.
560
00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:06,591
The fact that I got to meet Snoop
was awesome.
561
00:32:06,674 --> 00:32:08,176
He looked for me.
562
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:11,512
But every now and then, I go out
and I want to meet people,
563
00:32:11,596 --> 00:32:12,764
I want to see cool things.
564
00:32:12,847 --> 00:32:14,766
For example, comedy.
565
00:32:14,849 --> 00:32:17,852
I'm a huge fan of comedy.
Not just performing it.
566
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:19,437
But I love going to shows.
567
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,565
I go to a comedy show
every now and then, alone.
568
00:32:23,149 --> 00:32:25,151
Now, I don't know
if that sounds weird to you guys,
569
00:32:25,234 --> 00:32:28,321
but for me to do anything
nowadays by myself...
570
00:32:28,696 --> 00:32:31,366
It's my crew. All the people
that work for me,
571
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:34,911
they freak out when I go places.
They're always concerned for my safety.
572
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:37,455
"What if someone tries to kidnap you?"
573
00:32:42,126 --> 00:32:43,795
Well, they're going to earn it.
574
00:32:47,757 --> 00:32:50,051
I got into a fight with some
of my team members
575
00:32:50,134 --> 00:32:51,928
and I said, "You know what?
I'm going out."
576
00:32:52,387 --> 00:32:54,097
I bought myself a ticket
577
00:32:54,180 --> 00:32:57,475
and I went to go watch
Chris Rock, one night, in concert.
578
00:32:59,018 --> 00:33:01,062
Now, I says, "You know what?
579
00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:03,731
Maybe I can make my way backstage
580
00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:06,317
and, I don't know, if I get lucky,
maybe I'll say hi to him.
581
00:33:06,401 --> 00:33:09,237
I've always wanted to meet him."
So I go to the side of the stage
582
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:10,571
and I run into security.
583
00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:11,739
And I said, "Hey!"
584
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,034
He looked at me and said, "Fluffy!"
585
00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:19,038
When he did that, I said, "Hey, listen,
I forgot my keys, I'll be right back."
586
00:33:19,122 --> 00:33:21,124
And the guy's like,
"Yeah, keep going, get your keys."
587
00:33:21,207 --> 00:33:22,959
I'm like, "Oh, my God, that shit worked!"
588
00:33:26,838 --> 00:33:28,172
Just like that,
589
00:33:28,256 --> 00:33:30,800
I snuck backstage at a Chris Rock concert.
590
00:33:31,217 --> 00:33:34,053
Once I was behind the curtain,
I was in my element. I knew where everything was.
I knew where the food was,
591
00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:39,892
I knew where the dressing rooms were,
where the bathrooms were...
592
00:33:40,476 --> 00:33:43,271
I'm walking around with a soda,
people are coming up to me.
593
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:45,606
"We didn't know
you were going to be here."
594
00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:47,191
"I got a call last minute."
595
00:33:49,235 --> 00:33:50,528
"Looking for my keys."
596
00:33:52,530 --> 00:33:55,241
I says, "You know what, I got this far.
597
00:33:55,742 --> 00:33:56,868
I'm going to push it.
598
00:33:57,827 --> 00:33:58,995
I want to meet him."
599
00:33:59,078 --> 00:34:00,997
I've always wanted to meet Chris Rock.
600
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:02,957
It was not hard. Once I was back there,
601
00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:04,834
I just had to go to the dressing rooms.
602
00:34:04,917 --> 00:34:07,211
All I had to do was read the name
on the door.
603
00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:08,921
I'm standing there,
604
00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:11,174
in front of the door,
and I'm hyperventilating.
605
00:34:16,888 --> 00:34:18,556
The door opens up
606
00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:22,727
and there's this man in there,
this bodyguard who's just massive.
607
00:34:22,810 --> 00:34:25,396
I'm a big guy, but damn, he was huge!
608
00:34:26,022 --> 00:34:27,648
As soon as he opened the door...
609
00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:36,866
For real. Welcome to Jurassic--
610
00:34:36,949 --> 00:34:37,784
Big!
611
00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:39,744
Grandote.
612
00:34:40,870 --> 00:34:42,830
And I'm standing there and I'm like...
613
00:34:43,289 --> 00:34:44,123
"Hi."
614
00:34:45,416 --> 00:34:47,418
And he's like, "Can I help you?"
615
00:34:47,502 --> 00:34:49,587
"Yes, my name is Gabriel,
I'm a comedian.
616
00:34:49,670 --> 00:34:52,924
And I wanted to see if I could say hi
to Chris Rock if that's possible."
617
00:34:53,341 --> 00:34:54,467
"You say you comedian?"
618
00:34:54,550 --> 00:34:55,426
"Yes."
619
00:34:55,676 --> 00:34:59,097
"Well, then you understand Chris is going
over his material right now.
620
00:34:59,180 --> 00:35:00,848
He really ain't trying to talk to nobody.
621
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:04,185
So I'll tell you what, player, if you want
to come by after the show,
622
00:35:04,268 --> 00:35:06,354
You're more than welcome to,
but right now
623
00:35:06,854 --> 00:35:07,855
it's not a good time.
624
00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:11,275
Chris Rock is a busy man."
625
00:35:16,823 --> 00:35:17,824
"Can I wave?"
626
00:35:17,907 --> 00:35:18,866
"Excuse me?"
627
00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:19,784
"Can I wave?"
628
00:35:20,535 --> 00:35:21,619
"What you mean?"
629
00:35:23,830 --> 00:35:25,998
"Can I wave to Chris? I don't have
to come in. Can I wave?"
630
00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:28,584
Chris Rock is in the room.
631
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,294
He can hear
632
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,798
the stupid conversation
that's taking place.
633
00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:39,387
I know this because I can hear Chris Rock
in the background.
634
00:35:39,470 --> 00:35:43,641
"What's going on
Move out the way."
635
00:35:44,517 --> 00:35:47,103
"Yo, Chris, I got this, man. I got this."
636
00:35:47,186 --> 00:35:48,062
"Move!"
637
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:48,980
"Alright."
638
00:35:49,105 --> 00:35:50,731
The guy stands to the side.
639
00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:53,693
And now I'm looking at Chris Rock.
640
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:55,778
And he recognized me.
641
00:35:56,612 --> 00:35:58,072
And it freaked me out.
642
00:35:58,322 --> 00:35:59,824
Oh, yeah, it freaked me out. He's like,
643
00:36:01,033 --> 00:36:02,076
"Oh, shit!
644
00:36:03,119 --> 00:36:05,454
Look who it is. Look who it is.
645
00:36:06,497 --> 00:36:08,332
It's the king of the Mexicans."
646
00:36:18,634 --> 00:36:21,554
Chris Rock called me
the king of the Mexicans.
647
00:36:22,054 --> 00:36:25,683
For the rest of the show,
everyone referred to me as "El Chapo."
648
00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:35,526
I was celebrating the fact
that I got away with that for so long.
649
00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:36,861
For so long!
650
00:36:36,944 --> 00:36:40,364
"I snuck backstage at Chris Rock!
I snuck backstage, I snuck--"
651
00:36:40,990 --> 00:36:43,701
Until Karma showed up one day,
652
00:36:45,119 --> 00:36:47,288
in the form of the
653
00:36:47,955 --> 00:36:50,917
most extreme fan
654
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:54,503
I have ever had in 20 years
of me being a comedian.
655
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:58,925
I had someone who not only
made it backstage.
656
00:36:59,342 --> 00:37:01,052
This person paid
657
00:37:01,510 --> 00:37:03,596
to get into my dressing room.
658
00:37:04,263 --> 00:37:06,307
Okay? Yeah. He didn't pay me, by the way.
659
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:09,185
He didn't pay me. I'm an honest hoe.
660
00:37:10,311 --> 00:37:11,145
Okay?
661
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:13,564
I made no money that day, alright?
662
00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:16,901
If I had gotten paid,
you wouldn't be hearing this story.
663
00:37:18,486 --> 00:37:19,487
Here's the thing.
664
00:37:20,279 --> 00:37:22,823
I walk into my dressing room
from the bathroom.
665
00:37:22,907 --> 00:37:25,284
I just finished showering up
and I'm in a towel.
666
00:37:26,619 --> 00:37:28,079
I walk into the room,
667
00:37:28,162 --> 00:37:30,873
come to find out later that this man
668
00:37:30,957 --> 00:37:35,378
was a very wealthy businessman
in the community, okay?
669
00:37:35,711 --> 00:37:41,884
And when I walked into the room,
he's wearing a very, very nice suit.
670
00:37:42,051 --> 00:37:43,594
So when I saw the suit,
671
00:37:43,678 --> 00:37:46,764
I didn't give it a second thought,
because he looked professional.
672
00:37:46,847 --> 00:37:49,225
I thought maybe he was
the general manager of the building,
673
00:37:49,308 --> 00:37:52,103
one of the concert promoters,
he could have been someone's agent...
674
00:37:52,228 --> 00:37:55,189
So when I walked in the room,
in my towel, right,
675
00:37:56,023 --> 00:37:56,983
"Can I help you?"
676
00:37:58,442 --> 00:37:59,694
He looks at me
677
00:38:00,236 --> 00:38:06,659
and it was the most uncomfortable
conversation I have ever had.
678
00:38:07,743 --> 00:38:09,161
He looks at me and says,
679
00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:11,247
"Listen.
680
00:38:19,630 --> 00:38:22,925
I am not here to waste any of your time. Fluffy, I am prepared to take care of you.
681
00:38:30,766 --> 00:38:33,644
I will give you a new Lexus.
682
00:38:33,769 --> 00:38:38,065
And an allowance that's more
than what you make as a comedian.
683
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:40,818
Leave with me."
684
00:38:50,703 --> 00:38:54,582
I was never more disgusted
685
00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:59,462
and offended at the fact
that I was not gay.
686
00:39:01,380 --> 00:39:03,049
Because finally!
687
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:06,510
Finally, somebody wants
to take care of me.
688
00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:10,681
Do you know how many people
I take care of?
689
00:39:10,931 --> 00:39:14,226
No one's ever offered me a Lexus,
and they should.
690
00:39:15,936 --> 00:39:18,481
I felt horrible saying no to this guy.
691
00:39:19,732 --> 00:39:21,150
I still think about it.
692
00:39:23,152 --> 00:39:25,029
I still have the number.
693
00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:29,075
Houston, I'm going to tell you something,
694
00:39:29,158 --> 00:39:32,161
and I don't know how this is going
to go over, but I'm going to say it.
695
00:39:32,703 --> 00:39:34,163
I would be
696
00:39:34,455 --> 00:39:35,956
an amazing
697
00:39:36,415 --> 00:39:37,375
gay partner.
698
00:39:40,044 --> 00:39:43,589
I would! All the way up
until that one part, but even then.
699
00:39:45,216 --> 00:39:47,426
Have you ever driven a Lexus?
700
00:39:48,427 --> 00:39:49,553
Those are nice!
701
00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:52,139
Sometimes you got to take one
for your own team. I'm just saying.
702
00:39:56,727 --> 00:39:58,437
Now, in all seriousness,
703
00:39:58,521 --> 00:39:59,939
not to be funny,
704
00:40:00,606 --> 00:40:02,358
not to be disrespectful,
705
00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:06,779
let me tell you the reason why
I would be an amazing gay partner.
706
00:40:08,030 --> 00:40:09,323
The level,
707
00:40:10,282 --> 00:40:13,160
the level of communication
708
00:40:13,244 --> 00:40:17,706
between two men is so high,
709
00:40:18,249 --> 00:40:19,708
I might actually
710
00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:21,335
get an answer.
711
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:25,840
There might be clarity and understanding.
712
00:40:25,923 --> 00:40:28,551
I might hear a yes,
I might hear a no.
713
00:40:30,636 --> 00:40:34,098
Do you know how many relationships
I have been in
714
00:40:34,265 --> 00:40:37,726
where I still don't know the outcome
to certain conversations?
715
00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:42,398
Very simple "yes or no" questions.
That's what I would do.
716
00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:43,899
Something as simple as...
717
00:40:43,983 --> 00:40:46,485
Bebé, you hungry?
718
00:40:47,736 --> 00:40:48,779
"Well...
719
00:40:49,905 --> 00:40:52,783
I haven't eaten yet,
so I probably should eat something,
720
00:40:52,867 --> 00:40:54,452
but I'm not feeling it right now.
721
00:40:54,535 --> 00:40:56,996
But if I don't eat right now,
you know how I'm gonna get later.
722
00:40:57,079 --> 00:41:00,040
So I guess it's probably a good idea
if I start eating right now,
723
00:41:00,124 --> 00:41:01,917
but it really depends on the options.
724
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,002
What do you think?"
725
00:41:03,085 --> 00:41:04,545
Ah!
726
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:12,303
What about this one?
727
00:41:14,305 --> 00:41:17,391
Bebé, where would you like to eat?
728
00:41:20,269 --> 00:41:21,854
You hear all the guys?
729
00:41:21,937 --> 00:41:23,105
"Finally!
730
00:41:23,772 --> 00:41:25,357
I'm not alone!"
731
00:41:25,441 --> 00:41:28,027
Everybody's pointing at somebody
right now.
732
00:41:28,527 --> 00:41:29,778
Guys, am I right?
733
00:41:29,862 --> 00:41:32,239
This has to be-- You would think
734
00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:37,119
that this is the safest question
in the world to ask, but it's not.
735
00:41:39,371 --> 00:41:40,414
"Well...
736
00:41:41,874 --> 00:41:43,083
Just pick something.
737
00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:45,002
You know me, I go with the flow.
738
00:41:45,085 --> 00:41:47,254
Whatever you decide is okay with me.
739
00:41:47,338 --> 00:41:49,381
You know me already,
just pick something."
740
00:41:49,715 --> 00:41:51,383
"Alright, we're going to Burger King."
741
00:41:51,467 --> 00:41:53,469
"I don't like Burger King.
742
00:41:54,053 --> 00:41:56,180
Why do we got to go to Burger King?
743
00:41:56,263 --> 00:41:58,516
Burger King gives me chorro."
744
00:42:00,726 --> 00:42:02,561
Chorro is Mexican diarrhea.
745
00:42:07,149 --> 00:42:08,234
How about this one?
746
00:42:09,068 --> 00:42:10,319
"How do you feel?"
747
00:42:12,696 --> 00:42:13,531
"Really?
748
00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:16,909
Really
749
00:42:17,243 --> 00:42:20,037
Well, maybe if you'd pay attention
from time to time,
750
00:42:20,120 --> 00:42:22,039
you might know how I feel.
751
00:42:22,122 --> 00:42:24,375
You might not need to have to ask me
such a question,
752
00:42:24,458 --> 00:42:27,795
because you would already know
exactly how I feel.
753
00:42:27,878 --> 00:42:29,380
You might have time and energy.
754
00:42:29,463 --> 00:42:32,132
I'm exhausted to let you know how I feel
755
00:42:32,216 --> 00:42:35,886
and you have the nerve to ask me
'How do you feel?'"
756
00:42:42,518 --> 00:42:43,894
Now imagine
757
00:42:44,895 --> 00:42:47,815
the exact same conversation
758
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:49,358
between me
759
00:42:50,234 --> 00:42:51,735
and Mr. Lexus.
760
00:42:52,945 --> 00:42:55,739
Do you know how efficient
that conversation would be?
761
00:42:56,282 --> 00:42:57,157
"Hey, bro!
762
00:42:58,325 --> 00:42:59,285
You hungry?"
763
00:42:59,618 --> 00:43:01,120
"I thought you'd never ask."
764
00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:03,247
"What do you want to eat?"
765
00:43:03,330 --> 00:43:04,748
"Whatever you want to eat."
766
00:43:05,124 --> 00:43:06,667
"We're going to Burger King."
767
00:43:06,750 --> 00:43:08,168
"I love Whoppers."
768
00:43:09,712 --> 00:43:10,713
"Me, too!"
769
00:43:11,922 --> 00:43:13,882
We go to Burger King and we tear it up.
770
00:43:14,258 --> 00:43:16,677
We get back home and I ask him, "Hey,
771
00:43:17,344 --> 00:43:18,429
how do you feel?"
772
00:43:18,971 --> 00:43:19,888
"Horny."
773
00:43:22,433 --> 00:43:23,976
"Me, too!
774
00:43:25,311 --> 00:43:27,521
How do you want to do this?
Heads or tails?"
775
00:43:29,857 --> 00:43:31,525
It would be efficient!
776
00:43:40,284 --> 00:43:41,535
This is hypothetical.
777
00:43:43,078 --> 00:43:45,456
But believe me,
I still think about it, you know?
778
00:43:45,539 --> 00:43:48,792
Especially whenever I get into fights
with my girl and she says something like,
779
00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:50,878
"Oh, you think you can do better?"
780
00:43:51,128 --> 00:43:52,713
I know I can have a Lexus.
781
00:43:58,510 --> 00:43:59,470
I don't know, man.
782
00:44:00,429 --> 00:44:02,431
I know we're in the middle
of a Netflix taping.
783
00:44:02,514 --> 00:44:05,309
Whoever is running the light up there,
784
00:44:05,392 --> 00:44:07,519
just want to make sure,
'cause I keep moving.
785
00:44:07,603 --> 00:44:09,396
And I stepped out of your light twice.
786
00:44:11,774 --> 00:44:13,984
Any other show, I'd be like,
"No problem, no big deal."
787
00:44:14,068 --> 00:44:15,444
But this is for Netflix.
788
00:44:15,944 --> 00:44:18,155
It's the people that replaced
Comedy Central.
789
00:44:24,161 --> 00:44:25,788
But no, I'll try not to move too fast,
790
00:44:25,871 --> 00:44:28,332
but how slow are you
if you can't keep up with me?
791
00:44:30,167 --> 00:44:32,044
You should work for Immigration.
792
00:44:37,925 --> 00:44:39,927
I'm just giving you a hard time.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
793
00:44:40,010 --> 00:44:41,637
Ladies and gen-- I apologize for that.
794
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:45,099
Can we give a big round of applause to our
person running the spotlight up there?
795
00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:50,646
I honestly don't think
that the people that work
796
00:44:50,729 --> 00:44:53,315
behind the scenes,
like spotlight operators,
797
00:44:53,399 --> 00:44:54,441
get enough credit.
798
00:44:54,525 --> 00:44:56,944
Whether it's spotlight operators,
the people that run the cameras,
799
00:44:57,027 --> 00:45:00,072
the people that set up the stages,
the people that work security,
800
00:45:00,447 --> 00:45:02,408
the people that run the building.
801
00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:05,160
Without them, there is no show.
802
00:45:06,328 --> 00:45:07,705
And the same thing goes with me.
803
00:45:07,788 --> 00:45:10,457
I got my own support team:
managers, agents, promoters,
804
00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,376
you know, freaking merchandise people.
805
00:45:12,459 --> 00:45:13,919
I have a bus driver
806
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:15,754
named Dave,
807
00:45:16,922 --> 00:45:18,841
who has never received any credit.
808
00:45:18,924 --> 00:45:21,593
And he's been working for me
for almost 10 years now.
809
00:45:22,553 --> 00:45:23,470
This man...
810
00:45:25,556 --> 00:45:30,269
This man has successfully gotten me
to every single comedy show
811
00:45:30,352 --> 00:45:32,062
on time, without fail.
812
00:45:38,819 --> 00:45:41,488
If I had to describe him to you, okay?
813
00:45:42,573 --> 00:45:45,200
Dave looks like the word
814
00:45:46,118 --> 00:45:47,119
'Murica.
815
00:45:50,456 --> 00:45:51,498
Not "America."
816
00:45:52,249 --> 00:45:53,167
'Murica!
817
00:45:54,042 --> 00:45:56,503
He's about six feet tall and he's white.
818
00:45:56,628 --> 00:45:59,256
He has a gray beard
and he wears a trucker hat.
819
00:45:59,339 --> 00:46:03,385
And he's got to be one of the most
hardworking people I have ever met.
820
00:46:03,469 --> 00:46:04,845
When I say hardworking,
821
00:46:04,928 --> 00:46:08,599
Hey, I'm on the road 46 weeks
out of the year. So I know.
822
00:46:08,766 --> 00:46:09,683
The difference is
823
00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:12,644
I fly home every Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday.
824
00:46:12,728 --> 00:46:16,815
Dave stays on that bus and he gets it
to the next city, where we meet him.
825
00:46:17,024 --> 00:46:20,027
He works anniversaries,
holidays, special moments.
826
00:46:20,110 --> 00:46:22,279
Christmas time, I was with my family.
827
00:46:22,362 --> 00:46:24,865
Dave was driving that bus
on the East Coast.
828
00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:26,784
New Year's, I was with my family.
829
00:46:26,867 --> 00:46:29,453
Dave was on the East Coast
driving that bus.
830
00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:32,706
One of the hardest working people
I've ever met.
831
00:46:33,040 --> 00:46:34,750
I just want to give a shout-out.
832
00:46:44,343 --> 00:46:46,094
In addition to being hardworking,
833
00:46:46,178 --> 00:46:49,223
he's, uh-- He's very honest.
834
00:46:50,140 --> 00:46:53,644
When I say honest, I don't mean
"Oh, he does his taxes right."
835
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:58,982
I mean painfully honest.
No-filter honest.
836
00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:01,860
He talks the way people used to.
837
00:47:02,444 --> 00:47:04,905
He does not have time to mince words.
838
00:47:04,988 --> 00:47:06,657
He just calls it like he sees it.
839
00:47:06,824 --> 00:47:11,912
Before me, he used to work with a man
by the name of Kenny G.
840
00:47:13,956 --> 00:47:16,792
Grammy Award winner,
amazing, amazing music.
841
00:47:17,167 --> 00:47:18,126
Um...
842
00:47:18,210 --> 00:47:23,131
one day, Kenny G was on his tour bus
that Dave was driving,
843
00:47:23,215 --> 00:47:26,218
and I guess the two of them
had a little discussion
844
00:47:26,552 --> 00:47:31,098
and Kenny G used some words that Dave
would've rather him not have used.
845
00:47:31,181 --> 00:47:33,183
And instead of getting into it with him,
846
00:47:33,350 --> 00:47:34,852
this is what Dave does.
847
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,569
Kicked Kenny G off of his own bus.
848
00:47:46,613 --> 00:47:49,616
Because he would rather lose his job
849
00:47:49,700 --> 00:47:51,952
than lose his self-respect.
850
00:47:52,035 --> 00:47:53,745
And that's the man I work with.
851
00:47:55,622 --> 00:47:56,874
He's a bad dude.
852
00:47:59,626 --> 00:48:02,629
You guys are clapping,
but you should've seen the interview.
853
00:48:02,796 --> 00:48:05,007
Oh, man, it was a good one. He looks at me and he says, "Hey!
854
00:48:07,801 --> 00:48:09,344
Let's get one thing straight.
855
00:48:09,761 --> 00:48:11,471
I don't give a shit who you are.
856
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:14,099
You treat me right,
I'll treat you right.
857
00:48:14,182 --> 00:48:16,143
You pay me on time, you'll live.
858
00:48:20,522 --> 00:48:24,026
Not to mention the fact that
he keeps that tour bus squeaky clean.
859
00:48:24,109 --> 00:48:26,236
And he takes a lot of pride
in that as well.
860
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:28,322
One night, I was drinking on the bus, and I go to put my cup down.
861
00:48:30,782 --> 00:48:34,036
And I miss the table,
and the cup hit the floor.
862
00:48:34,328 --> 00:48:37,039
I didn't get up right away to get the cup,
863
00:48:37,247 --> 00:48:40,500
because I figured I'll get up in a couple
minutes and make myself another drink,
864
00:48:40,584 --> 00:48:42,252
I'll pick up the cup then.
865
00:48:43,253 --> 00:48:46,924
Dave sees the cup on the floor,
and then he looks at me and says,
866
00:48:47,132 --> 00:48:50,260
"Hey! I ain't your mama.
Pick that shit up!"
867
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:58,602
I get to the back of the bus and I'm like,
"Wait a minute, I pay him."
868
00:49:00,103 --> 00:49:01,063
"Hey, Dave..." "Shut up!"
869
00:49:01,146 --> 00:49:03,857
"Yeah, I'll be in the back, in my room.
Thank you. Drive safe."
870
00:49:06,109 --> 00:49:11,365
And people tell me, "You work with a man
who talks that way to you?
871
00:49:11,823 --> 00:49:12,699
Why?"
872
00:49:12,950 --> 00:49:13,992
Let me tell you why.
873
00:49:14,076 --> 00:49:15,661
Because he's honest.
874
00:49:15,744 --> 00:49:18,205
With Dave, you know exactly what you get.
875
00:49:18,330 --> 00:49:22,542
Nowadays, it's so hard for me
to tell who's being genuine
876
00:49:22,626 --> 00:49:24,127
and who has an agenda,
877
00:49:24,211 --> 00:49:26,838
and with him, you know exactly
where you stand.
878
00:49:28,131 --> 00:49:30,425
If he likes you, he loves you.
879
00:49:30,550 --> 00:49:33,720
And if not, you're on the curb
with Kenny G.
880
00:49:36,056 --> 00:49:37,265
That being said,
881
00:49:37,808 --> 00:49:39,226
I have a story to share.
882
00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:43,313
About a year and a half ago,
883
00:49:43,689 --> 00:49:44,856
maybe longer,
884
00:49:45,315 --> 00:49:46,525
we're on the bus
885
00:49:46,733 --> 00:49:48,402
and we're heading down the highway.
886
00:49:50,821 --> 00:49:53,198
Just so you have kind of an understanding
of the bus layout.
887
00:49:53,281 --> 00:49:54,658
Let's say this is the front.
888
00:49:55,033 --> 00:49:56,493
Here's Dave, the driver.
889
00:49:56,576 --> 00:49:57,494
Empty seat.
890
00:49:57,661 --> 00:50:02,874
And then a sliding door that goes in
between him and the rest of the tour bus.
891
00:50:03,125 --> 00:50:06,670
My buddy Alfred and I are in the living
room portion and we're watching TV.
892
00:50:07,129 --> 00:50:09,297
We're watching the news,
893
00:50:09,381 --> 00:50:12,384
and on the news, there's this person
894
00:50:13,135 --> 00:50:17,097
who is running for some type of office.
895
00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:20,058
No particular office.
896
00:50:21,476 --> 00:50:24,438
And I guess their big plan is to
897
00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:27,065
erect a structure...
898
00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:31,278
...between two bodies of land.
899
00:50:33,530 --> 00:50:34,489
Somewhere.
900
00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:40,871
And I guess they want one side of the
structure to finance the entire project.
901
00:50:40,996 --> 00:50:44,833
Well, my buddy Alfred and I have
a lot of family that works in construction
902
00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:47,878
and we know a bad job when we see one.
903
00:50:48,253 --> 00:50:53,508
So we started to voice our opinion out
loud about how we felt about this person
904
00:50:53,592 --> 00:50:55,260
and what they wanted to do.
905
00:50:55,552 --> 00:50:57,679
We're being very loud.
906
00:50:57,763 --> 00:51:02,976
So loud, Dave can hear us
and then we hear Dave.
907
00:51:08,690 --> 00:51:09,566
"'Murica."
908
00:51:13,737 --> 00:51:17,199
I yell out to Dave, I say,
"Be quiet, Dave. This isn't about you."
909
00:51:17,282 --> 00:51:21,578
He taps a button on the dashboard
that activates the sliding door.
910
00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:25,499
And when the door is about that far
from closing, he yells out,
911
00:51:25,582 --> 00:51:26,875
"I'm building a wall."
912
00:51:38,011 --> 00:51:39,638
I couldn't even get upset
913
00:51:39,721 --> 00:51:42,099
because I was too much in shock
over the fact that
914
00:51:42,182 --> 00:51:44,476
that came out of someone
four feet away from me.
915
00:51:45,227 --> 00:51:47,145
My buddy Alfred and I,
we looked like chickens.
916
00:51:47,229 --> 00:51:49,940
We're like...
917
00:51:51,024 --> 00:51:52,526
My cell phone goes off.
918
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:57,405
I take out my phone
and there's a text message.
919
00:51:58,532 --> 00:51:59,407
From Dave.
920
00:52:01,034 --> 00:52:02,035
And I said, "That's right.
921
00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:03,161
He better say, 'I'm sorry.'
922
00:52:03,245 --> 00:52:04,371
He better say, 'Just kidding.'"
923
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:08,166
I open up the text message and it says,
"And you're paying for it."
924
00:52:18,343 --> 00:52:20,804
And people tell me,
"You still work with him after that?"
925
00:52:20,887 --> 00:52:24,266
Yes, I do. I trust that man with my life
every single night.
926
00:52:24,391 --> 00:52:25,809
I know where his heart's at.
927
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:27,269
He can say whatever he wants.
928
00:52:27,352 --> 00:52:31,273
At the end of the day, he still has to
drive around the king of the Mexicans.
929
00:52:40,323 --> 00:52:42,993
The point to this story is
930
00:52:43,535 --> 00:52:46,705
just because you have a difference
in opinion,
931
00:52:46,788 --> 00:52:50,625
it doesn't mean that you can't have
respect for one another,
932
00:52:51,042 --> 00:52:53,003
you can't have love for one another,
933
00:52:53,128 --> 00:52:56,214
that you can't have incredible friendships
with one another.
934
00:52:56,756 --> 00:52:59,301
It's our differences that make us special.
935
00:53:00,719 --> 00:53:03,805
What a lot of us need to work on is
our delivery.
936
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:06,308
It's all in the way you say things.
937
00:53:06,391 --> 00:53:08,977
That's why text messages
are always misinterpreted.
938
00:53:09,144 --> 00:53:11,938
'Cause you read the text
according to how you feel.
939
00:53:12,689 --> 00:53:14,065
"What does he mean, 'Hello'?"
940
00:53:16,943 --> 00:53:18,111
Yeah.
941
00:53:18,361 --> 00:53:22,574
Anyway, Dave has gotten us
to 48 of the 50 states.
942
00:53:22,657 --> 00:53:25,410
He doesn't travel with us
outside of America.
943
00:53:25,493 --> 00:53:26,786
He prefers it that way.
944
00:53:29,164 --> 00:53:34,502
Last year, we got a chance to do
a European tour of 15 countries.
945
00:53:34,586 --> 00:53:36,963
Estonia, Germany, Norway,
946
00:53:37,047 --> 00:53:40,675
Belgium, the Netherlands, UK... We're just
bouncing around all over the place.
947
00:53:40,759 --> 00:53:43,011
And then we wound up
on the other side of the world.
948
00:53:43,094 --> 00:53:45,680
Out of all the countries I performed in,
949
00:53:45,764 --> 00:53:49,601
my favorite country
outside of home is Australia.
950
00:53:50,352 --> 00:53:51,603
And I'll tell you why.
951
00:53:52,604 --> 00:53:55,941
Australia, much like us in America,
952
00:53:56,024 --> 00:53:58,944
has its list of priorities.
953
00:53:59,110 --> 00:54:00,820
You know what's not on their list?
954
00:54:01,196 --> 00:54:03,323
Political correctness.
955
00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:07,244
They do not care about your feelings.
956
00:54:08,620 --> 00:54:10,956
It's like a country full of Daves.
957
00:54:13,541 --> 00:54:15,794
Believe it or not, it's very refreshing
958
00:54:15,877 --> 00:54:18,588
to be around such a large group of people
959
00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:20,882
who speak their minds so freely.
960
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:24,928
And if you know that before you go there,
you're going to have an amazing time,
961
00:54:25,011 --> 00:54:27,597
but if you don't know that
and you show up,
962
00:54:27,681 --> 00:54:30,141
it is a culture shock and a half,
963
00:54:30,225 --> 00:54:32,143
because I showed up and I didn't know.
964
00:54:32,227 --> 00:54:35,188
Everybody says you got to see the beaches
and I went to the beach.
965
00:54:35,272 --> 00:54:37,232
I had people coming up to me.
966
00:54:37,315 --> 00:54:40,277
"Hey! Somebody help me get him
back in the water."
967
00:54:42,237 --> 00:54:45,699
"Yeah, right there, big fella.
Look at you, right there.
968
00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:48,868
Oh, wait, he's moving.
He's moving, he's moving.
969
00:54:49,202 --> 00:54:52,205
Oh, he's crying! He's crying!
970
00:54:52,330 --> 00:54:54,541
I bet it tastes like gravy."
971
00:54:59,504 --> 00:55:02,173
It's not bullying if everyone does it.
972
00:55:03,550 --> 00:55:05,176
Yeah, that being said,
973
00:55:05,927 --> 00:55:07,220
I'm in Australia.
974
00:55:07,595 --> 00:55:10,015
Sydney, Australia, at the Opera House,
975
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:13,268
for me, was one of the most iconic places
I've ever got to perform in
976
00:55:13,351 --> 00:55:14,936
and it was bucket list, definitely.
977
00:55:15,020 --> 00:55:19,107
After the show, I want to go hang out
with some Aussies see what that was like.
978
00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:20,817
I'm hanging out at a pub.
979
00:55:20,900 --> 00:55:22,235
First things first.
980
00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:25,989
Australian people do not drink
Foster's beer.
981
00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:29,492
That's an American thing.
They don't drink that over there.
982
00:55:29,617 --> 00:55:32,495
I tried ordering one to fit in,
didn't go over well.
983
00:55:34,122 --> 00:55:37,625
Bartender looked at me,
"You like the taste of piss, do ya?"
984
00:55:38,835 --> 00:55:41,046
"Okay, don't order that again."
985
00:55:42,630 --> 00:55:45,717
So I'm hanging out with these two Aussies
and we're drinking a rum
986
00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:47,218
called Bundaberg.
987
00:55:47,469 --> 00:55:48,928
At first glance,
988
00:55:49,012 --> 00:55:52,932
it looks like a Coca-Cola bottle because
there's a polar bear on the front
989
00:55:53,058 --> 00:55:55,769
and then you drink it and you're like,
"That's not Coke."
990
00:55:57,854 --> 00:56:01,191
As we're talking, a third Australian
joined the conversation,
991
00:56:01,483 --> 00:56:04,569
and he sounded a little bit different
from the other two.
992
00:56:04,652 --> 00:56:06,571
He had more of a raspy voice.
993
00:56:06,654 --> 00:56:09,783
More like...
994
00:56:09,949 --> 00:56:12,202
He sounded like
a drunk pirate underwater.
995
00:56:14,120 --> 00:56:17,207
These two guys didn't like him,
so they called him a name and they left,
996
00:56:17,290 --> 00:56:19,209
and now it's just me and drunk pirate.
997
00:56:20,251 --> 00:56:21,628
We're talking about life.
998
00:56:21,795 --> 00:56:25,673
Life in America, life in Australia,
talking about our differences.
999
00:56:26,007 --> 00:56:27,175
He tells me
1000
00:56:27,634 --> 00:56:29,803
that he's a professional knife maker.
1001
00:56:30,303 --> 00:56:32,764
He's showing me how it's done,
he's showing me pictures.
1002
00:56:32,931 --> 00:56:34,474
We wind up polishing off
1003
00:56:34,849 --> 00:56:37,394
three bottles of this rum.
1004
00:56:38,269 --> 00:56:42,065
And drunk wasn't even the right word
to describe
1005
00:56:42,732 --> 00:56:43,817
our level.
1006
00:56:44,651 --> 00:56:46,111
My tour manager Ryan,
1007
00:56:46,194 --> 00:56:47,987
he comes up to me and he says,
1008
00:56:48,071 --> 00:56:49,697
"Gabe, time to go."
1009
00:56:50,073 --> 00:56:51,866
And I look at Ryan and I'm like,
1010
00:56:51,950 --> 00:56:55,286
"But Ryan, I just made a friend
1011
00:56:56,371 --> 00:56:58,248
and he makes knives
1012
00:56:59,624 --> 00:57:00,917
and they're pretty."
1013
00:57:02,377 --> 00:57:06,589
My tour manager always knows how to talk
to me no matter what condition I'm in.
1014
00:57:06,673 --> 00:57:09,884
If I'm drunk, he knows better
than to talk to me like I'm an adult.
1015
00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:11,803
He talks to me like I'm two.
1016
00:57:12,929 --> 00:57:14,639
He looks at me and he says,
1017
00:57:15,181 --> 00:57:16,307
"Hey, buddy.
1018
00:57:18,435 --> 00:57:19,686
You hungry?
1019
00:57:27,610 --> 00:57:30,405
Well, listen, if we don't leave right now,
they're gonna close McDonald's
1020
00:57:30,488 --> 00:57:32,449
and you're going to have to eat
at the airport."
1021
00:57:36,119 --> 00:57:37,328
I gotta go.
1022
00:57:38,371 --> 00:57:41,207
"Alright, mate, you gotta go,
you gotta go. No worries."
1023
00:57:41,291 --> 00:57:42,750
And he goes to shake my hand.
1024
00:57:42,834 --> 00:57:44,294
And when he shook my hand,
1025
00:57:44,377 --> 00:57:50,258
he put his personal pocket knife
that he made in my hand as a gift.
1026
00:57:50,633 --> 00:57:52,844
"That's for you, mate.
Thanks for being nice."
1027
00:57:53,428 --> 00:57:54,345
"Thank you! Thank you!
1028
00:57:56,306 --> 00:57:58,391
I'll cut cheeseburgers with this."
1029
00:58:01,853 --> 00:58:02,687
We leave,
1030
00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:04,481
and we head to the restaurant.
1031
00:58:06,232 --> 00:58:09,194
The manager at the restaurant
recognized me.
1032
00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:10,361
He's a big fan.
1033
00:58:10,445 --> 00:58:12,822
And he said, "Hey, stay as long
as you like."
1034
00:58:13,072 --> 00:58:14,324
Shouldn't have said that.
1035
00:58:16,326 --> 00:58:19,454
The plan was do the show,
go have some drinks,
1036
00:58:19,537 --> 00:58:23,208
get a bite to eat, go to the hotel,
shower up and then go to the airport.
1037
00:58:23,333 --> 00:58:25,877
We stayed so long at the restaurant,
1038
00:58:25,960 --> 00:58:27,754
we had to go straight to the airport.
1039
00:58:27,921 --> 00:58:29,214
So we get there,
1040
00:58:29,631 --> 00:58:33,551
and you don't sober up in like two hours,
1041
00:58:34,093 --> 00:58:35,678
after three bottles of rum.
1042
00:58:35,929 --> 00:58:38,973
I was not in airport condition.
1043
00:58:40,391 --> 00:58:43,436
And so my tour manager has
one hand on each shoulder, right?
1044
00:58:43,520 --> 00:58:45,813
Ryan's trying to push me
through the airport,
1045
00:58:45,897 --> 00:58:47,899
and, you know, he's about 190.
1046
00:58:49,150 --> 00:58:50,193
I'm not.
1047
00:58:51,819 --> 00:58:54,280
And he's pushing me with everything.
1048
00:58:57,242 --> 00:58:59,452
And he gets me all the way
to airport security.
1049
00:58:59,536 --> 00:59:01,955
And airport security in Australia,
1050
00:59:02,038 --> 00:59:03,748
you don't have to take off your shoes.
1051
00:59:03,831 --> 00:59:05,792
and I didn't worry about taking off a belt
1052
00:59:05,875 --> 00:59:08,044
because I don't wear a belt,
'cause I have a butt.
1053
00:59:09,629 --> 00:59:12,382
So he lines me up with airport security
1054
00:59:12,465 --> 00:59:14,467
and he tells me, "I got to let you go."
1055
00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:16,469
"Don't let me go."
"I got to let you go."
1056
00:59:16,553 --> 00:59:17,554
"Don't let me go!"
1057
00:59:17,804 --> 00:59:20,932
And then he pushed me,
and I'm going forward.
1058
00:59:21,015 --> 00:59:23,685
And he yells out, "You're a plane!"
1059
00:59:24,102 --> 00:59:26,187
and the two-year-old came out.
1060
00:59:26,437 --> 00:59:27,605
"I'm a plane!"
1061
00:59:34,988 --> 00:59:39,200
And now this Fluffy 747 is headed
right for the metal detector,
1062
00:59:39,867 --> 00:59:42,745
and I can see the security officer
on the other side.
1063
00:59:48,334 --> 00:59:50,920
And when I got really close,
Ryan yells out,
1064
00:59:51,004 --> 00:59:52,755
"Wings down! Wings down!"
1065
00:59:54,465 --> 00:59:57,176
And I went through
and I didn't touch the edges,
1066
00:59:57,552 --> 00:59:58,761
but when I went through...
1067
01:00:00,555 --> 01:00:02,849
The knife.
1068
01:00:02,932 --> 01:00:06,477
I sobered up for half a second
because I realized,
1069
01:00:06,561 --> 01:00:10,982
Oh, my God, I forgot to check
the knife that the guy gave me
1070
01:00:11,065 --> 01:00:14,402
and it's on me and I've already cleared
the freaking... You know...
1071
01:00:14,485 --> 01:00:16,029
So I'm like...
1072
01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:20,241
The security officer does this.
1073
01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:25,955
"Eh, go ahead."
1074
01:00:32,545 --> 01:00:36,007
Houston, sober me would have
internally celebrated the fact
1075
01:00:36,090 --> 01:00:37,508
that I am not going to prison
1076
01:00:37,592 --> 01:00:41,220
for sneaking a knife past
airport security and boarding a flight.
1077
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:43,806
Drunk me
1078
01:00:45,433 --> 01:00:46,601
was offended.
1079
01:00:48,603 --> 01:00:51,272
Oh, you can ask my buddy,
Ryan was right behind me.
1080
01:00:51,939 --> 01:00:54,484
I looked at the security officer
and I said,
1081
01:00:54,734 --> 01:00:55,568
"Hey!
1082
01:00:56,235 --> 01:00:57,111
Hey!
1083
01:00:57,654 --> 01:00:58,905
How do you know?
1084
01:00:59,322 --> 01:01:00,698
How do you know
1085
01:01:02,116 --> 01:01:03,826
I'm not a terrorist?"
1086
01:01:06,037 --> 01:01:07,955
And I can hear my friends in line.
1087
01:01:08,456 --> 01:01:09,290
"Fuck!"
1088
01:01:17,548 --> 01:01:21,719
The security officer in uniform,
wearing a badge,
1089
01:01:21,803 --> 01:01:26,349
looks at me and says, "Hey, when have
you ever seen a fat terrorist?"
1090
01:01:26,474 --> 01:01:28,476
"Eh, look at him. He's crying.
1091
01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:39,195
I bet it tastes like gravy."
1092
01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:47,370
Yeah.
1093
01:01:47,453 --> 01:01:49,414
-You guys, I gotta tell you--
We love you, Fluffy!
1094
01:01:49,497 --> 01:01:50,415
What happened, bro?
1095
01:01:50,957 --> 01:01:51,999
We love you!
1096
01:01:52,583 --> 01:01:53,793
Do you have a Lexus?
1097
01:01:55,712 --> 01:01:57,547
'Cause I'm not passing that up again.
1098
01:01:59,465 --> 01:02:01,718
Sorry. I just--
1099
01:02:03,136 --> 01:02:04,721
But thank you.
1100
01:02:06,055 --> 01:02:09,642
Actually, I've had some pretty awesome
times over the last 20 years.
1101
01:02:09,767 --> 01:02:11,519
And whenever I talk to fans,
1102
01:02:11,769 --> 01:02:14,147
they have certain questions about my past,
1103
01:02:14,230 --> 01:02:16,941
whether it's my family,
my upbringing, where my mom came from,
1104
01:02:17,024 --> 01:02:18,359
where my dad came from...
1105
01:02:18,443 --> 01:02:19,736
Certain stories.
1106
01:02:19,819 --> 01:02:22,822
I love the fact that I had someone ask me
one time,
1107
01:02:22,905 --> 01:02:25,658
"In your 20-plus years as a comedian,
1108
01:02:25,742 --> 01:02:29,203
what has been your greatest moment?"
1109
01:02:29,287 --> 01:02:33,583
My greatest moment wasn't even
something that happened at a show,
1110
01:02:33,666 --> 01:02:37,879
but it was because of what I was able
to do for someone very special to me.
1111
01:02:37,962 --> 01:02:40,923
My mom, who is no longer with us,
1112
01:02:41,007 --> 01:02:42,425
she meant everything to me.
1113
01:02:42,508 --> 01:02:46,262
She was my biggest supporter, even though
she would never laugh at my jokes.
1114
01:02:47,138 --> 01:02:49,432
She would get mad at her friends
that wouldn't laugh.
1115
01:02:49,515 --> 01:02:51,642
"
1116
01:02:51,726 --> 01:02:53,269
How come you don't laugh?
1117
01:02:54,854 --> 01:02:58,232
I did something really awesome for my mom
before she passed away.
1118
01:02:58,649 --> 01:03:04,447
I took her to go see a man
by the name of Vicente Fernandez.
1119
01:03:07,033 --> 01:03:08,075
In concert.
1120
01:03:09,535 --> 01:03:13,664
now if you're not familiar
with who Vicente Fernandez is,
1121
01:03:13,748 --> 01:03:17,293
he is basically Mexican Elvis.
1122
01:03:19,045 --> 01:03:20,463
But he's still alive.
1123
01:03:20,755 --> 01:03:22,423
So a few years ago,
1124
01:03:25,426 --> 01:03:29,972
Vicente Fernandez and myself were both
performing at the same venue,
1125
01:03:30,056 --> 01:03:32,850
a venue called the Gibson Amphitheatre
in Los Angeles.
1126
01:03:32,934 --> 01:03:34,227
It is no longer there.
1127
01:03:34,310 --> 01:03:37,396
A woman by the name
of Emily was running the building.
1128
01:03:37,730 --> 01:03:40,691
I was there the week before
Vicente Fernandez,
1129
01:03:40,775 --> 01:03:44,028
and after three sold-out shows
she comes up to me and says,
1130
01:03:44,111 --> 01:03:45,279
"Gabriel,
1131
01:03:45,905 --> 01:03:48,616
thank you so much
for this incredible business.
1132
01:03:48,699 --> 01:03:50,910
We're so happy
with how the shows turned out.
1133
01:03:50,993 --> 01:03:52,245
I have a question for you.
1134
01:03:53,037 --> 01:03:58,209
Is your mom a fan of Vicente Fernandez?"
1135
01:03:58,793 --> 01:04:01,879
I said, "Emily, my mom's Mexican.
1136
01:04:03,631 --> 01:04:04,799
It's the law."
1137
01:04:08,219 --> 01:04:09,303
"I thought so.
1138
01:04:10,388 --> 01:04:11,264
Listen,
1139
01:04:11,639 --> 01:04:15,101
Vicente Fernandez is going to be
performing here next week.
1140
01:04:15,184 --> 01:04:18,855
And I wanted to do something very special
for you to show my appreciation.
1141
01:04:19,146 --> 01:04:22,149
Do you think you and your mom would like
to come see him perform
1142
01:04:22,233 --> 01:04:24,235
and I'll get you front"
1143
01:04:24,485 --> 01:04:26,863
I said, "Emily, that sounds amazing.
1144
01:04:27,154 --> 01:04:31,492
I'm pretty sure the answer is yes, but my
mom is old school, so I still got to ask.
1145
01:04:32,827 --> 01:04:33,953
I'll call you."
1146
01:04:34,203 --> 01:04:35,663
So I get to my mom's house,
1147
01:04:35,997 --> 01:04:36,956
and I see her.
1148
01:04:37,039 --> 01:04:39,166
"Mama." "Dime, mi hijo."
1149
01:04:39,917 --> 01:04:42,670
Mi hijo in Spanish means "my son."
1150
01:04:42,753 --> 01:04:45,548
So my mom would always tell me that,
my son, mi hijo. Mi hijo.
1151
01:04:45,715 --> 01:04:47,258
"Dime, mi hijo." "Tell me, my son."
1152
01:04:47,550 --> 01:04:48,467
I said, "Mom,
1153
01:04:48,926 --> 01:04:50,553
would you like to go see
1154
01:04:50,636 --> 01:04:53,264
Vicente Fernandez in concert?"
1155
01:04:53,598 --> 01:04:55,099
And she looked at me and said,
1156
01:04:55,182 --> 01:04:57,852
"Mi hijo, that sounds nice."
1157
01:04:58,728 --> 01:05:00,479
That's exactly how she said it.
1158
01:05:00,563 --> 01:05:02,064
She was very even-keeled.
1159
01:05:02,148 --> 01:05:03,900
She wouldn't show a lot of emotion.
1160
01:05:03,983 --> 01:05:06,235
So I call Emily and I said my mom's in.
1161
01:05:06,319 --> 01:05:07,987
"Awesome. I'll see you next week."
1162
01:05:08,070 --> 01:05:10,781
So we get to the venue and we're early,
1163
01:05:10,865 --> 01:05:13,784
so they have us in this little VIP section
1164
01:05:13,868 --> 01:05:16,746
where they're giving us free drinks
and free snacks,
1165
01:05:16,829 --> 01:05:18,164
and my mom was so cute.
1166
01:05:18,372 --> 01:05:20,207
She walks up to me and she says,
1167
01:05:20,291 --> 01:05:21,208
"Mi hijo,
1168
01:05:23,127 --> 01:05:24,712
are the drinks free?"
1169
01:05:26,756 --> 01:05:29,717
I said, "Mom, yeah, the drinks are free,
but don't worry about it."
1170
01:05:29,800 --> 01:05:33,471
"No, no, no, mi hijo, I didn't bring
any money. I don't have no money."
1171
01:05:33,554 --> 01:05:36,390
I said, "Mom, you made an ATM.
1172
01:05:37,934 --> 01:05:38,851
You're good."
1173
01:05:49,987 --> 01:05:53,491
The messed up part is that
she didn't even like drinking.
1174
01:05:53,824 --> 01:05:56,285
She just wanted to walk around
with a couple of drinks
1175
01:05:56,369 --> 01:05:58,704
so she'd look like she was
part of the party.
1176
01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:04,085
So she's got a couple drinks,
and as it was,
1177
01:06:04,168 --> 01:06:06,629
when she'd walk around,
she'd have a little bit of a limp,
1178
01:06:06,712 --> 01:06:10,132
because she had just had toe surgery
a couple months prior.
1179
01:06:10,216 --> 01:06:13,177
So she had kind of like a little--
It looked like she was dancing.
1180
01:06:16,514 --> 01:06:18,808
So she's walking around.
Here comes Emily.
1181
01:06:19,225 --> 01:06:20,393
"Gabriel, you made it!"
1182
01:06:20,476 --> 01:06:23,521
I go, "Yeah, this is my mom.
Emily, this is my mom, Esther.
1183
01:06:23,604 --> 01:06:25,231
Mom, this is Emily."
1184
01:06:25,606 --> 01:06:26,607
"They're free!"
1185
01:06:27,316 --> 01:06:29,360
"She knows they're free.
She made this happen."
1186
01:06:29,443 --> 01:06:31,988
"Oh, thank you, thank you!
You're the one who hired mi hijo.
1187
01:06:32,071 --> 01:06:33,739
Gracias. Thank you so much."
1188
01:06:34,323 --> 01:06:36,242
Emily goes, "Can I talk to you
for a second?"
1189
01:06:36,325 --> 01:06:37,827
"Sure. Mom, I'll be right back.
1190
01:06:38,244 --> 01:06:39,286
What's up, Emily?"
1191
01:06:39,954 --> 01:06:40,871
"Gabriel,
1192
01:06:41,831 --> 01:06:43,874
do you think your mom
1193
01:06:44,417 --> 01:06:45,918
would you like to meet
1194
01:06:46,419 --> 01:06:48,212
Vicente Fernandez
1195
01:06:49,171 --> 01:06:50,172
right now?"
1196
01:06:51,257 --> 01:06:52,091
I said,
1197
01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:55,511
"Emily, let me tell you something...
1198
01:06:57,054 --> 01:06:59,473
...if she says no, I want to meet him.
1199
01:07:02,393 --> 01:07:03,436
I'll be right back."
1200
01:07:05,604 --> 01:07:07,606
"Mamá." "Dime, mi hijo".
1201
01:07:07,857 --> 01:07:13,237
Emily wants to know if you would like
to meet Vicente Fernandez right now.
1202
01:07:14,822 --> 01:07:15,823
"Mi hijo,
1203
01:07:16,615 --> 01:07:17,950
that sounds nice."
1204
01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:20,536
"Alright. Emily, she's in."
1205
01:07:20,619 --> 01:07:23,205
Emily goes, "Is she even a fan?"
1206
01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:26,375
I go, "Trust me, that's her reaction.
She's good.
1207
01:07:26,459 --> 01:07:30,171
She has the whole house covered with
Vicente Fernandez records and cassettes.
1208
01:07:30,254 --> 01:07:31,172
Okay? We're good."
1209
01:07:33,632 --> 01:07:34,925
So Emily comes back.
1210
01:07:35,009 --> 01:07:38,888
And she puts the special VIP bracelets
on us with a little click,
1211
01:07:39,221 --> 01:07:42,850
and she walks us through a door
into the backstage area.
1212
01:07:42,933 --> 01:07:46,187
As soon as we went through the door,
I knew exactly where we were.
1213
01:07:46,270 --> 01:07:47,855
I was just there a week ago.
1214
01:07:48,147 --> 01:07:50,107
So I got my mom arm in arm,
1215
01:07:50,191 --> 01:07:52,193
and we're walking down the hallway, okay?
1216
01:07:52,359 --> 01:07:53,569
Come on, Mama. Let's go.
1217
01:07:53,652 --> 01:07:55,321
Let's go. We're walking down the hallway,
1218
01:07:55,446 --> 01:07:57,573
and we're getting closer and closer
1219
01:07:57,656 --> 01:07:59,742
to Vicente Fernandez's dressing room.
1220
01:07:59,825 --> 01:08:01,827
The door is wide open,
1221
01:08:01,911 --> 01:08:05,289
and I can hear a commotion
coming out of the dressing room.
1222
01:08:09,835 --> 01:08:12,129
And then a man and a woman exit the room
1223
01:08:12,213 --> 01:08:14,840
and the man is holding on
to the woman's shoulders and he's like,
1224
01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:18,969
"It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay."
1225
01:08:19,053 --> 01:08:21,263
And the woman looks destroyed.
1226
01:08:21,680 --> 01:08:22,515
Okay?
1227
01:08:25,059 --> 01:08:27,478
Mascara is running down her face.
1228
01:08:27,853 --> 01:08:30,022
My mom sees that and she's like,
1229
01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:32,817
"Mi hijo, did you see that?
Did you see the mascara...
1230
01:08:34,276 --> 01:08:37,113
With the mascara--
Parece puta la cabrona."
1231
01:08:42,076 --> 01:08:44,203
Sorry. Puta means "friendly."
1232
01:08:48,207 --> 01:08:49,875
So we get by the door,
1233
01:08:51,418 --> 01:08:52,837
and the closer we get,
1234
01:08:52,920 --> 01:08:54,797
we start to see a guy in the room.
1235
01:08:54,922 --> 01:08:56,382
Then he comes to the door.
1236
01:08:56,549 --> 01:08:59,176
In the room, there's three people, okay?
1237
01:08:59,260 --> 01:09:00,719
There's Vicente Fernandez,
1238
01:09:00,845 --> 01:09:03,472
the photographer and a handler.
1239
01:09:03,681 --> 01:09:07,101
The handler comes to the door,
and you can tell by his voice
1240
01:09:07,226 --> 01:09:10,771
that he works for like a Mexican radio
station, 'cause he's got that voice.
1241
01:09:11,230 --> 01:09:13,774
"Hola! Hola!
1242
01:09:14,316 --> 01:09:16,694
Pasale! Pasale!"
1243
01:09:17,570 --> 01:09:19,780
Pasale in Spanish means "come on in."
1244
01:09:20,406 --> 01:09:22,158
So we start to walk into the room.
1245
01:09:22,825 --> 01:09:24,493
And let me tell you guys something,
1246
01:09:25,161 --> 01:09:29,456
If you grew up listening
to Vicente Fernandez from a young age,
1247
01:09:29,540 --> 01:09:32,918
and you get the opportunity to meet him,
1248
01:09:33,043 --> 01:09:35,004
it is seriously
1249
01:09:35,087 --> 01:09:37,715
a religious experience.
1250
01:09:38,632 --> 01:09:40,634
My mom and I are entering the room,
1251
01:09:40,718 --> 01:09:45,222
the only thing missing is the freaking...
1252
01:09:46,557 --> 01:09:48,559
You don't look at him.
You look at the floor.
1253
01:09:49,101 --> 01:09:51,520
Out of respect, you just look
at the floor. "Come on, Ma".
1254
01:09:52,354 --> 01:09:55,065
We get all the way up to him
and I see boots.
1255
01:09:55,733 --> 01:09:58,944
And when I see the boots,
my mom and I both just...
1256
01:10:03,657 --> 01:10:05,492
He knows what you're doing.
1257
01:10:05,576 --> 01:10:07,244
He knows you're checking him out.
1258
01:10:07,328 --> 01:10:09,747
So what he does is he poses, okay?
1259
01:10:09,830 --> 01:10:11,665
Vicente stands there and he poses.
1260
01:10:11,749 --> 01:10:14,543
He'll have the sombrero, the hat,
to his side.
1261
01:10:15,002 --> 01:10:17,421
And then, he doesn't look at you.
He looks away.
1262
01:10:19,548 --> 01:10:21,383
And he sticks his chest out
1263
01:10:21,467 --> 01:10:25,763
and he stands there looking like
a big-ass bottle of Tapatio at Costco.
1264
01:10:33,020 --> 01:10:34,271
And then he looked at me.
1265
01:10:35,814 --> 01:10:37,149
And he recognized me.
1266
01:10:37,233 --> 01:10:40,277
not as a comedian,
but because I was there the week before
1267
01:10:40,361 --> 01:10:42,571
and my photo was hanging outside his door.
1268
01:10:42,655 --> 01:10:45,407
It was whoever is there last,
they always rotate the photo.
1269
01:10:45,491 --> 01:10:47,034
So he sees me and he's like,
1270
01:10:47,243 --> 01:10:50,204
"Mi hijo, tu eres el muchacho
que esta en la foto ahí afuera."
1271
01:10:50,329 --> 01:10:52,331
"Yeah, that's me outside, yeah.
1272
01:10:53,749 --> 01:10:54,792
Hola!"
1273
01:10:58,963 --> 01:11:01,882
"Oh. Vicente, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
1274
01:11:03,050 --> 01:11:04,593
Le presento...
1275
01:11:05,886 --> 01:11:07,721
mi mamá!"
1276
01:11:10,182 --> 01:11:11,308
I'm like, "Oh, my God.
1277
01:11:11,392 --> 01:11:14,019
I think I just offered up my mom
to Vicente Fernandez."
1278
01:11:15,187 --> 01:11:17,815
She's like 73.
"Better late than never, Mom, get him!"
1279
01:11:22,027 --> 01:11:23,487
My mom starts walking up
1280
01:11:24,238 --> 01:11:27,533
to, Vicente. He was so nice.
1281
01:11:27,616 --> 01:11:30,536
He goes out to shake my mom's hand
1282
01:11:30,661 --> 01:11:32,913
and my mom grabs his hand.
1283
01:11:32,997 --> 01:11:36,375
And I don't know where
she got this strength
1284
01:11:36,667 --> 01:11:39,295
and energy from, but she grabbed him
1285
01:11:39,378 --> 01:11:40,796
and pulled him in.
1286
01:11:41,380 --> 01:11:43,048
Hard, like the video game.
1287
01:11:43,132 --> 01:11:44,341
"Get over here!"
1288
01:11:44,842 --> 01:11:46,010
And then hooked him.
1289
01:11:46,093 --> 01:11:49,096
She hooked him and she starts screaming
into his chest.
1290
01:11:49,179 --> 01:11:52,308
"Mi Chente!"
1291
01:11:52,391 --> 01:11:54,727
I'm like, "Oh, my God.
She's getting horny."
1292
01:12:00,232 --> 01:12:02,026
And he knew, too!
1293
01:12:02,943 --> 01:12:04,028
'Cause he was like,
1294
01:12:04,111 --> 01:12:07,239
"Quitamela! Quitamela!"
1295
01:12:08,532 --> 01:12:11,201
The photographer, the handler and me.
1296
01:12:11,285 --> 01:12:14,663
The three of us is what it took
to pull her off of Vicente.
1297
01:12:15,331 --> 01:12:17,708
We sit her down, she's bawling.
1298
01:12:20,085 --> 01:12:22,713
Mascara is running down her face.
1299
01:12:24,798 --> 01:12:26,967
The photographer shaking his head.
1300
01:12:29,219 --> 01:12:32,222
I guess Vicente had dinner
earlier that night.
1301
01:12:32,306 --> 01:12:34,475
He was eating barbecue,
'cause they had those wet naps.
1302
01:12:34,558 --> 01:12:35,684
Barbecue wet naps.
1303
01:12:35,768 --> 01:12:37,144
And so we take the wet naps
1304
01:12:37,227 --> 01:12:40,439
and we start cleaning the mascara
off my mom's face.
1305
01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:42,066
We stand her up.
1306
01:12:42,524 --> 01:12:45,194
We posed her and we took the picture.
1307
01:12:45,652 --> 01:12:47,029
Emily comes over
1308
01:12:47,112 --> 01:12:51,492
and she takes us and she escorts us
to our seats in the front.
1309
01:12:52,117 --> 01:12:54,411
And for three hours...
1310
01:12:54,828 --> 01:12:58,582
for three hours, my mom was on her feet
1311
01:12:59,124 --> 01:13:01,293
listening to him
and she refused to sit down.
1312
01:13:01,377 --> 01:13:03,879
"Mom, you should sit down--"
"No, ¿cómo qué? És el Chente."
1313
01:13:05,005 --> 01:13:07,800
Holding a shot of tequila
that she never drank.
1314
01:13:09,051 --> 01:13:10,219
She just-- She was--
1315
01:13:12,137 --> 01:13:15,974
Three hours on her feet.
Never once sat down.
1316
01:13:16,058 --> 01:13:18,310
That's how powerful his music was.
1317
01:13:21,230 --> 01:13:24,691
My mom felt no pain for that entire time.
1318
01:13:26,527 --> 01:13:29,363
And the minute
that freaking concert was over,
1319
01:13:29,446 --> 01:13:32,366
"Tan-taran, tan-tan."
1320
01:13:32,991 --> 01:13:34,159
"My feet!
1321
01:13:34,701 --> 01:13:36,703
Oh, my God, mi hijo, mis pies.
1322
01:13:37,079 --> 01:13:38,622
Ay, pinche callo.
1323
01:13:38,705 --> 01:13:40,874
"Oh, my God, my feet! Ay!"
1324
01:13:40,958 --> 01:13:44,336
And I'm like, "Oh, great."
So now I gotta drag this living novela
1325
01:13:45,003 --> 01:13:46,422
to the parking lot.
1326
01:13:47,923 --> 01:13:49,258
I helped her into the car.
1327
01:13:49,341 --> 01:13:50,968
"My feet!" "I told you to sit down."
1328
01:13:51,051 --> 01:13:52,302
"You don't sit for Chente."
1329
01:13:54,138 --> 01:13:55,431
Here comes Emily. "Did you guys have a good time?"
1330
01:13:57,099 --> 01:13:59,893
I go, "Emily, we had the greatest time.
1331
01:13:59,977 --> 01:14:01,061
Thank you so much."
1332
01:14:01,145 --> 01:14:02,604
"I got something for you."
1333
01:14:02,688 --> 01:14:03,522
Oh, what's that?
1334
01:14:03,605 --> 01:14:05,941
And she hands me an envelope
and I open it,
1335
01:14:06,233 --> 01:14:09,069
and inside the envelope is the picture.
1336
01:14:09,445 --> 01:14:10,904
She printed it out for me,
1337
01:14:10,988 --> 01:14:15,617
and when I looked at it I got so choked up
because I have never
1338
01:14:15,701 --> 01:14:19,204
seen my mom so happy in a picture.
1339
01:14:19,455 --> 01:14:20,914
And it's not that she wouldn't smile.
1340
01:14:20,998 --> 01:14:23,250
She would smile, but it was that
"one, two, three, cheese."
1341
01:14:32,593 --> 01:14:34,386
But this one was like...
1342
01:14:38,432 --> 01:14:44,062
And what makes it extra special is that
it's the last photo I have of my mom
1343
01:14:44,146 --> 01:14:45,731
and she was the happiest.
1344
01:14:45,814 --> 01:14:48,650
And I know that that moment wouldn't
be possible
1345
01:14:48,734 --> 01:14:50,903
if I did not do this for a living.
1346
01:14:57,993 --> 01:14:59,536
So thank you for that.
1347
01:15:01,163 --> 01:15:03,832
Sorry, now a lot of people are like,
"We came to laugh..."
1348
01:15:09,379 --> 01:15:11,256
Houston, I got to share this story.
1349
01:15:11,840 --> 01:15:13,217
Twenty years ago,
1350
01:15:13,300 --> 01:15:16,929
when I started doing this, okay,
the fact that we're here tonight
1351
01:15:17,054 --> 01:15:21,266
in an arena doing a comedy special
is huge, but everything...
1352
01:15:21,350 --> 01:15:23,143
Everything has a beginning.
1353
01:15:23,519 --> 01:15:25,979
The fact that I can travel
and I meet so many people,
1354
01:15:26,063 --> 01:15:29,566
"we are your fans," "we are your fans,"
and social media shows over 10 million,
1355
01:15:30,192 --> 01:15:32,027
everything comes from somewhere. And the fact that tonight
1356
01:15:35,155 --> 01:15:37,407
I have in the audience
1357
01:15:37,616 --> 01:15:41,078
my first two fans
1358
01:15:41,161 --> 01:15:43,372
that ever came out to see
one of my shows,
1359
01:15:43,580 --> 01:15:46,416
I flew them out from Los Angeles
to be here tonight.
1360
01:15:55,050 --> 01:15:56,552
Monica, Tony, where you guys at?
1361
01:15:57,678 --> 01:15:59,555
There you are. Ladies and gentlemen...
1362
01:16:01,098 --> 01:16:02,683
...Monica and Tony Sanchez.
1363
01:16:04,601 --> 01:16:08,772
When I say they were my first fans,
they were my first, they would come out...
1364
01:16:09,314 --> 01:16:11,358
I used to perform in her garage.
1365
01:16:12,651 --> 01:16:15,237
And she'll tell you. Oh, yeah.
Right next to the Ford.
1366
01:16:15,362 --> 01:16:16,738
They were the first ones.
1367
01:16:18,282 --> 01:16:21,076
They were the first ones
to come see me perform
1368
01:16:21,159 --> 01:16:25,080
at a little dive-- hole-in-the-wall
inside of a casino in California.
1369
01:16:25,247 --> 01:16:26,290
And, um...
1370
01:16:26,582 --> 01:16:29,668
You know, to have met these people
1371
01:16:29,751 --> 01:16:31,753
so many years ago and they'd come out,
1372
01:16:31,837 --> 01:16:35,340
she would tell me with her husband, "You
were so funny, we'll be back next week."
1373
01:16:35,424 --> 01:16:37,676
I'm like,
"But it's the same 5-minute show."
1374
01:16:38,468 --> 01:16:40,887
She goes, "You're funny,
we'll bring more people.
1375
01:16:40,971 --> 01:16:42,389
We'll bring more people.
1376
01:16:42,514 --> 01:16:44,683
She was my first fan club.
1377
01:16:44,766 --> 01:16:47,311
She would get friends
and bring them out to the show.
1378
01:16:54,026 --> 01:16:56,612
And she has pictures of me
in that garage.
1379
01:16:56,945 --> 01:16:59,323
I wish you wouldn't put them online,
but you do.
1380
01:17:02,200 --> 01:17:06,038
But I just wanted to say thank you, guys,
and I'm glad you could be here tonight.
1381
01:17:10,584 --> 01:17:14,338
Twenty years doing this,
so I think it's only right that tonight
1382
01:17:14,421 --> 01:17:18,925
we close this show the way
that the first one began.
1383
01:17:22,929 --> 01:17:24,431
I get pulled over one night
1384
01:17:24,514 --> 01:17:27,434
two minutes after coming out
of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru.
1385
01:17:29,728 --> 01:17:31,647
You better still laugh, Houston!
1386
01:17:33,940 --> 01:17:36,360
I made a left turn instead of making
a right turn
1387
01:17:36,443 --> 01:17:38,570
but I wasn't paying attention
'cause I had a box, right?
1388
01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:41,740
I was like, "You're going to get it
when you get home, you've been so bad!
1389
01:17:41,823 --> 01:17:44,284
So bad! Gonna get it!"
1390
01:17:44,951 --> 01:17:46,870
I'm not paying attention,
I go the wrong way.
1391
01:17:48,455 --> 01:17:51,166
Sure enough...
Oh!
1392
01:17:53,543 --> 01:17:54,378
Later.
1393
01:17:58,173 --> 01:17:59,800
The officer is taking forever.
1394
01:17:59,883 --> 01:18:01,927
I said, "Forget this,
he's taking too long."
1395
01:18:02,010 --> 01:18:04,262
I grab my box, I put it on my lap.
1396
01:18:04,346 --> 01:18:05,430
I flipped it open.
1397
01:18:05,514 --> 01:18:07,849
Hmm!
1398
01:18:07,933 --> 01:18:10,310
Hmm...
1399
01:18:10,686 --> 01:18:15,190
And just as I was about to tear it up,
the officer gets to the window.
1400
01:18:15,273 --> 01:18:17,567
"You know why I stopped you?"
It was too easy.
1401
01:18:17,651 --> 01:18:20,987
-I said, "'Cause you could smell it!"
...could smell it!
1402
01:18:28,912 --> 01:18:29,996
Keep going!
1403
01:18:32,791 --> 01:18:35,544
-Houston, keep going!
Yeah!
1404
01:18:40,048 --> 01:18:42,300
I should have started the show
like this, okay?
1405
01:18:43,135 --> 01:18:47,431
Um, I bought a Volkswagen Beetle
about seven years ago.
1406
01:18:49,516 --> 01:18:51,977
And when you buy a new car,
you want to show it off,
1407
01:18:52,060 --> 01:18:54,104
whether it's brand new
or just new to you.
1408
01:18:54,187 --> 01:18:56,815
So I take my car
to my friend Martin's house.
1409
01:18:56,898 --> 01:18:58,191
You've seen Martin.
1410
01:18:59,317 --> 01:19:01,695
Very real. I pull up.
1411
01:19:04,448 --> 01:19:05,907
I yell out the window,
1412
01:19:06,575 --> 01:19:09,327
-Mar--
Martin!
1413
01:19:19,421 --> 01:19:20,714
You don't need me anymore.
1414
01:19:25,886 --> 01:19:28,764
That's freaking awesome!
Thank you. Love you, too.
1415
01:19:32,684 --> 01:19:34,728
Hold on, hold on. I forgot the joke.
Hold on.
1416
01:19:37,063 --> 01:19:39,691
I know how it starts
and I know how it ends.
1417
01:19:39,775 --> 01:19:41,777
I'm just not used to starting
from the middle.
1418
01:19:43,028 --> 01:19:44,780
That's what she said. No, just--
1419
01:19:46,406 --> 01:19:48,575
Stop. You deserve better than that. Um...
1420
01:19:49,326 --> 01:19:50,410
Martin...
1421
01:19:51,119 --> 01:19:52,454
lives in a bad neighborhood.
1422
01:19:52,537 --> 01:19:54,122
I don't get out of the car.
1423
01:19:54,206 --> 01:19:57,209
Across the street from his house
live these gang members,
1424
01:19:57,292 --> 01:20:00,086
the kind of gang members
who don't really hurt anybody.
1425
01:20:00,170 --> 01:20:02,589
They just talk a lot of trash
and watch Frozen.
1426
01:20:04,132 --> 01:20:05,634
And I pull up in a Beetle.
1427
01:20:08,762 --> 01:20:10,931
Martin!
1428
01:20:11,223 --> 01:20:13,308
Across the street, I hear...
1429
01:20:13,475 --> 01:20:15,811
Órale!
1430
01:20:28,323 --> 01:20:29,825
Let me finish!
1431
01:20:32,202 --> 01:20:34,454
-Someone said, "That's what she said."
1432
01:20:39,668 --> 01:20:42,712
Hey, hey. Ah!
1433
01:20:44,339 --> 01:20:45,298
I turn around.
1434
01:20:45,382 --> 01:20:47,050
"Hey, what's up, you guys?
How's it going?"
1435
01:20:47,133 --> 01:20:48,677
"How did you get in there, ese?"
1436
01:20:49,177 --> 01:20:50,679
"Hurry up, Martin!"
1437
01:20:50,971 --> 01:20:53,849
A couple of months go by.
I fix up the car.
1438
01:20:53,932 --> 01:20:56,184
I put racing rims on it, some stickers.
1439
01:20:56,268 --> 01:20:58,895
I put little chip in the motor
to make it go faster.
1440
01:20:59,604 --> 01:21:01,815
Two hundred and fifty horsepower
1441
01:21:01,898 --> 01:21:03,400
Volkswagen Beetle.
1442
01:21:03,483 --> 01:21:04,776
The car is bad.
1443
01:21:04,985 --> 01:21:05,861
I pull up.
1444
01:21:14,703 --> 01:21:17,497
Martin!
1445
01:21:18,498 --> 01:21:20,834
Órale!
1446
01:21:23,753 --> 01:21:25,255
Some of you are drunk.
1447
01:21:28,049 --> 01:21:29,551
This is what I just heard. I heard...
1448
01:21:29,634 --> 01:21:31,386
"Órale!"
1449
01:21:32,220 --> 01:21:34,222
"Le!"
1450
01:21:35,640 --> 01:21:36,600
Keep up!
1451
01:21:37,434 --> 01:21:39,561
I know it's Mexicans too.
I hear the accent.
1452
01:21:40,604 --> 01:21:44,941
I hear that-- [mumbles indistinctly
mocking Mexican accent]
1453
01:21:45,025 --> 01:21:48,028
Even the white people are like,
"Hello! It's odalay."
1454
01:21:49,779 --> 01:21:50,822
"Get it together."
1455
01:21:52,365 --> 01:21:53,450
Keep up!
1456
01:21:54,159 --> 01:21:55,994
-Eh.
Eh.
1457
01:21:56,077 --> 01:21:57,829
Eh.
1458
01:21:58,747 --> 01:22:00,874
Yoo-hoo!
1459
01:22:01,458 --> 01:22:02,459
"What?"
1460
01:22:02,584 --> 01:22:07,088
"Check it out, eh,
it's the Fat and the Furious!"
1461
01:22:07,672 --> 01:22:08,965
I heard you, Houston!
1462
01:22:17,140 --> 01:22:20,560
I heard you. You guys were saying the joke
with me like it was a song.
1463
01:22:21,311 --> 01:22:23,605
Like it was the Mexican version
of Freebird.
1464
01:22:25,273 --> 01:22:26,483
Keep going!
1465
01:22:27,943 --> 01:22:28,985
Keep going!
1466
01:22:32,739 --> 01:22:33,740
Chills.
1467
01:22:35,367 --> 01:22:37,661
My son Frankie,
1468
01:22:38,870 --> 01:22:41,831
when he graduated from high school,
1469
01:22:42,499 --> 01:22:45,961
I was very, very proud of him
and I was very excited.
1470
01:22:46,127 --> 01:22:47,087
And, uh...
1471
01:22:47,629 --> 01:22:49,172
For me, it was very emotional,
1472
01:22:49,255 --> 01:22:53,385
because I was the one that got to take him
to school on that last day,
1473
01:22:53,885 --> 01:22:58,056
and it meant a lot,
because you know what
1474
01:22:58,139 --> 01:22:59,975
I was allowed to leave him
1475
01:23:00,684 --> 01:23:02,268
anywhere I wanted to.
1476
01:23:03,436 --> 01:23:05,939
I can leave him in the front.
I can leave him on the side.
1477
01:23:06,022 --> 01:23:08,358
I can put him in the back.
I can make him walk.
1478
01:23:08,942 --> 01:23:10,986
That wasn't the case many years ago,
1479
01:23:11,069 --> 01:23:13,738
when I was taking him
to elementary school.
1480
01:23:14,322 --> 01:23:18,827
And they had a designated drop-off area
on the side of the school,
1481
01:23:18,910 --> 01:23:21,246
where they had cones
in the middle of the street.
1482
01:23:21,329 --> 01:23:24,708
They had a supervisor there
with a walkie-talkie and a whistle
1483
01:23:25,000 --> 01:23:28,211
to make sure that your kids
would get out of the car safely
1484
01:23:28,294 --> 01:23:29,796
and onto the school grounds.
1485
01:23:30,505 --> 01:23:34,050
One day we're late because the night
before I had a big show like this one.
1486
01:23:34,134 --> 01:23:36,261
And people brought me chocolate cakes.
1487
01:23:37,721 --> 01:23:42,017
And I took the cakes home
and my son killed one of the cakes.
1488
01:23:42,392 --> 01:23:43,977
And the next day, the cake...
1489
01:23:45,937 --> 01:23:47,105
...killed Frankie.
1490
01:23:48,398 --> 01:23:49,649
Oh, it was bad.
1491
01:23:52,360 --> 01:23:54,362
Chorro!
1492
01:23:55,321 --> 01:23:56,781
Chocomilk!
1493
01:23:57,949 --> 01:24:00,368
For the non-Mexicans: Yoo-hoo!
1494
01:24:02,203 --> 01:24:05,498
For the non-Mexicans with money:
Nestle Quik!
1495
01:24:08,460 --> 01:24:09,335
Same joke.
1496
01:24:11,129 --> 01:24:12,630
We get to the school.
1497
01:24:13,131 --> 01:24:15,925
There's no longer supervisor,
no walkie-talkie, no whistle,
1498
01:24:16,009 --> 01:24:18,845
the gate's locked.
I said, "I'm not leaving my kid here."
1499
01:24:18,928 --> 01:24:20,638
I'm going to drop him off in front.
1500
01:24:20,722 --> 01:24:24,309
And I guess I wasn't supposed to do that
and I didn't know, and at the time,
1501
01:24:24,476 --> 01:24:25,894
I didn't really care.
1502
01:24:25,977 --> 01:24:27,103
We pull up.
1503
01:24:29,355 --> 01:24:30,190
"Go."
1504
01:24:30,648 --> 01:24:32,609
"I'm not supposed to get off here."
1505
01:24:32,817 --> 01:24:34,652
"You're late. Go."
1506
01:24:34,736 --> 01:24:35,904
And he cracks the door.
1507
01:24:36,029 --> 01:24:37,864
And as soon as his foot hits the curb,
1508
01:24:37,947 --> 01:24:39,449
here comes the principal.
1509
01:24:39,532 --> 01:24:42,202
And I know who it is,
'cause he's freaking out, right?
1510
01:24:42,285 --> 01:24:44,120
He's like...
"It's the principal!"
1511
01:24:44,287 --> 01:24:47,040
"Dude, relax.
I'm 32, I don't give a damn!"
1512
01:24:48,666 --> 01:24:51,628
Here comes the principal
and she's doing this one.
1513
01:24:51,920 --> 01:24:53,922
"Sir! Sir!
1514
01:24:54,047 --> 01:24:58,218
Sir, this is not
the designated drop-off area.
1515
01:24:58,301 --> 01:25:01,846
Please take your child to the other side
of the school.
1516
01:25:01,971 --> 01:25:04,057
You cannot leave him here."
1517
01:25:04,224 --> 01:25:07,352
I was like, "Watch this."
1518
01:25:08,770 --> 01:25:10,271
Señora, no sé lo que esta diciendo.
1519
01:25:10,355 --> 01:25:12,857
Aqui estoy dejando a mi hijo.
El no se levantó a la mañana.
1520
01:25:13,024 --> 01:25:14,567
It's not my fault. Yo no sé.
1521
01:25:14,734 --> 01:25:17,445
"That's how you do it, homeboy.
That's how you do it."
1522
01:25:18,029 --> 01:25:20,949
That principal was awesome
because she was like,
1523
01:25:21,449 --> 01:25:26,287
Usted no puede dejar su hijo aqui.
1524
01:25:26,412 --> 01:25:27,330
Okay?
1525
01:25:27,705 --> 01:25:30,708
Saca la vuelta
1526
01:25:30,917 --> 01:25:34,587
al otro lado de la escuela.
1527
01:25:34,712 --> 01:25:35,839
Okay?
1528
01:25:35,922 --> 01:25:41,386
Allá, si, si.
Aqui, no, no.
1529
01:25:41,594 --> 01:25:46,141
Allá, si, si.
Aqui, no, no.
1530
01:25:46,349 --> 01:25:49,519
Yo no soy pendeja!
1531
01:26:01,281 --> 01:26:02,907
Monica, Tony.
1532
01:26:03,116 --> 01:26:05,910
Twenty years ago,
when I was in your garage,
1533
01:26:05,994 --> 01:26:08,955
if you would've told me this was going
to happen I'd have said you're crazy.
1534
01:26:09,038 --> 01:26:10,290
If you would have told me,
1535
01:26:10,790 --> 01:26:12,208
"Twenty years from now
1536
01:26:13,126 --> 01:26:16,296
people are going to come out
and fill up arenas to see you.
1537
01:26:18,298 --> 01:26:19,924
They're going to cheer for you,
1538
01:26:21,134 --> 01:26:24,179
and they're going to finish your jokes...
1539
01:26:26,431 --> 01:26:28,349
in Houston, Texas."
1540
01:26:33,229 --> 01:26:36,691
This special is dedicated to both of you
and to this city.
1541
01:26:36,983 --> 01:26:38,359
That's Houston strong.
1542
01:26:38,443 --> 01:26:41,571
Thank you very much,
and you have a great night!
1543
01:26:41,654 --> 01:26:44,616
And I hope I keep
making you proud. Thank you.