1 00:00:00,913 --> 00:00:01,827 [bright tone] 2 00:00:01,871 --> 00:00:04,004 [microphone droans] 3 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:29,333 --> 00:00:31,509 [man] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 6 00:00:31,553 --> 00:00:34,425 Welcome to the Eddie Griffin experience 7 00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:36,645 at the world famous SLS casino 8 00:00:36,688 --> 00:00:38,821 live from the Sayers Club. Show your love... 9 00:00:38,864 --> 00:00:40,301 [deep voice] and he'll show you right. 10 00:00:40,344 --> 00:00:41,911 [normal voice] For a brother who brings 11 00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:44,479 laughter to your soul and to the masses 12 00:00:44,522 --> 00:00:47,438 of planet Earth... [echoes] for 30 years plus. 13 00:00:47,482 --> 00:00:50,050 For 30 years plus. For 30 years plus. 14 00:00:50,093 --> 00:00:52,748 Put your hands together for the one and only 15 00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:56,186 the undeniable, Mr. Eddie Griffin. 16 00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:59,189 [cheers and applause] 17 00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:02,149 [hip-hop music playing] 18 00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:07,154 ♪ 19 00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:14,161 Go on, cop a squat, y'all. Go on, cop a squat. 20 00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:15,988 Fuck that! Get back up! 21 00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:18,078 -[laughter] -[cheers and applause] 22 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:20,123 Yeah, what's up?! 23 00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:23,083 Let's do this motherfucking thing. 24 00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:26,608 Go on, sit down, y'all. 25 00:01:26,651 --> 00:01:29,828 Hey, Junior! Eeh, my nigga! 26 00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:31,917 -[laughter] -What's going on, y'all? 27 00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:33,789 -[cheers and applause] -Yes! 28 00:01:33,832 --> 00:01:35,878 Welcome, welcome, welcome to Las Vegas. 29 00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:38,489 If you just got here, it's the only city 30 00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,404 you can see dead people walking down the street. 31 00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:41,971 -[laughter] -You don't believe me? 32 00:01:42,014 --> 00:01:43,668 Take your ass out on Las Vegas Boulevard, 33 00:01:43,712 --> 00:01:45,322 nigga, there's a dead Michael Jackson out there 34 00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:47,150 still moonwalking. 35 00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:49,892 Elvis still got three shows in this motherfucking town. 36 00:01:49,935 --> 00:01:52,460 I seen that--Y'all seen that Transformer out there? 37 00:01:52,503 --> 00:01:54,897 That motherfucker asked me for five dollars. 38 00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,681 I said, "Turn into a car, motherfucker, 39 00:01:56,725 --> 00:01:59,162 I'll give you 100." That nigga was trying, too. 40 00:01:59,206 --> 00:02:02,339 -[laughter] -Jeez. You really need a job 41 00:02:02,383 --> 00:02:05,037 dressing up like a truck in this motherfucking heat. 42 00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:06,517 You know when he leave the househe son be like, 43 00:02:06,561 --> 00:02:08,911 "Daddy, why you dressing up like a truck?" 44 00:02:08,954 --> 00:02:11,348 "Nigga, do you like food? 45 00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:13,350 Your daddy dumb. This is all I know how to do. 46 00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,309 Get my tires!" 47 00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:17,876 It's so hot in this motherfucking town. 48 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,269 I seen the devil walking down the street 49 00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:20,879 looking for ice water. "Listen..." 50 00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:23,839 Said he going back to hell to cool off. 51 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,928 There shouldn't be a fat motherfucker 52 00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,495 nowhere in this town. 53 00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:30,019 Take your fat ass outside there'd be a puddle 54 00:02:30,062 --> 00:02:32,064 -of grease around your ass. -[laughter] 55 00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:33,892 "Hey, nigga, what's your diet?" 56 00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,633 "The sun!" 57 00:02:35,677 --> 00:02:38,680 And crazy white people. Y'all motherfuckers crazy. 58 00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:40,551 Y'all the only ones be at these pools. 59 00:02:40,595 --> 00:02:43,032 Nigga, it's a hundred-and-hell. They out there, nigga, 60 00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,773 skin bubbling. Sound like bacon. 61 00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:46,949 -[sizzles] -[laughter] 62 00:02:46,992 --> 00:02:50,082 Niggas be in them cabanas and we don't pay for 'em, either. 63 00:02:50,126 --> 00:02:51,780 [laughter] 64 00:02:51,823 --> 00:02:53,738 "Shit, no, we gonna sit right in this motherfucker 65 00:02:53,782 --> 00:02:56,219 till they come and kick us out." 66 00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:57,525 And then that waitress will come over. 67 00:02:57,568 --> 00:02:59,048 "Would you like a bottle of champagne?" 68 00:02:59,091 --> 00:03:01,355 "Not for no three-thousand-goddamn-dollars! 69 00:03:01,398 --> 00:03:02,921 "Well, we gonna have you ask you to leave." 70 00:03:02,965 --> 00:03:04,271 "I didn't wanna sit in this motherfucker. 71 00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:05,750 No goddamn way." 72 00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:07,274 Then we'll walk to another casino 73 00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,579 and get right back in another cabana. 74 00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:10,059 [laughter] 75 00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:11,756 Y'all be careful when you're out here. 76 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,149 They ain't building these casinos 77 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,064 'cause motherfuckers are winning. 78 00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:17,240 -It got quiet in this bitch. -[laughter] 79 00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:19,068 Vegas has got some of you motherfuckers. 80 00:03:19,111 --> 00:03:21,331 I don't know why you don't figure it out when you land 81 00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:23,855 at McCarran Airport and they got that escalator going down? 82 00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:25,248 Motherfuckers be hype on arrival. 83 00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:26,510 "Nigga, we in Vegas. We about to kick it 84 00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:27,946 like a motherfucker." 85 00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:30,253 Y'all better watch them bitches going up. 86 00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:32,908 [laughter] 87 00:03:32,951 --> 00:03:35,040 Nigga, they be quiet. 88 00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:37,608 Purse empty! Wallet dry! 89 00:03:37,652 --> 00:03:40,742 And my people, we the loudest when we check in casinos. 90 00:03:40,785 --> 00:03:42,526 Niggas arriving. "Nigga, I'm in Vegas! 91 00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:44,615 Nigga, I'm about to get these motherfuckers!" 92 00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:46,530 That's when them dudes in them black suits be like, 93 00:03:46,574 --> 00:03:48,837 -"We got one." -[laughter] 94 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,187 You'll see that motherfucker later on that evening 95 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,669 on that lonely couch. Every casino got one. 96 00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:56,366 Niggas, got, you know, it's over in the distance. 97 00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:57,628 Right by the crap table. 98 00:03:57,672 --> 00:03:59,326 They know niggas like to shoot craps. 99 00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:01,066 Nigga, I call it the Losing Couch. 100 00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:03,765 It ain't got no back on it. It don't need one. 101 00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:05,810 Motherfuckers sitting there like this... 102 00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:07,334 [laughter] 103 00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:09,031 They mumbling to themselves. "I had it. 104 00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:12,121 It was in my hand. I had it. $1,500 it was mine. 105 00:04:12,164 --> 00:04:13,992 I should've walked when I had the chance to." 106 00:04:14,036 --> 00:04:16,647 Sistas don't let a brother leave clean, either. 107 00:04:16,691 --> 00:04:18,910 You lose, a sister will be like,"Yeah, nigga... 108 00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:22,305 I told your black ass couldn't shoot no craps. 109 00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,133 Nigga, that was our house money." 110 00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:27,615 "Bitch, I lost the house. You gonna have to sell pussy 111 00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:29,530 so we can get out this motherfucker." 112 00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:32,184 You see them old bitches like, "Anybody want some of this?" 113 00:04:32,228 --> 00:04:34,230 [laughter] 114 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:37,102 Now, this is my 11th year doing shows out here 115 00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:39,322 in Las Vegas with my residency. 116 00:04:39,366 --> 00:04:40,976 -[woman whoos] -Yeah. Yes. 117 00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:43,587 [cheers and applause] 118 00:04:43,631 --> 00:04:45,546 It's my 32nd year anniversary 119 00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:47,765 of doing this shit called stand-up, man. 120 00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:49,463 You understand? Yeah! 121 00:04:49,506 --> 00:04:52,683 See, nigga-- [stammers] Nigga... 122 00:04:52,727 --> 00:04:55,643 [laughter] 123 00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:59,821 Shit, being out here in this motherfucking, nigga, 124 00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:03,085 -there's a lot of hoes here. -[laughter] 125 00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:05,740 Vegas got a lot of hoes, man. Man, when I used to come here 126 00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:07,132 on the weekend before I lived here, man, 127 00:05:07,176 --> 00:05:08,786 you know, you come and do a show, 128 00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:10,658 you get your dick sucked, make some money, you leave. 129 00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:13,878 Now that I live here, I know all the hoes. 130 00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:16,054 Couple of y'all motherfuckers in here tonight. 131 00:05:16,098 --> 00:05:17,665 [laughter] 132 00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:20,276 You know who you are. Nigga, the hoes! 133 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,497 All them motherfuckers, they got big, giant bags. 134 00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:26,238 Young hoes, they work indoors, see? 135 00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,371 They got giant purses. See, real women, you know, 136 00:05:28,415 --> 00:05:29,938 y'all got respectable, small purses. 137 00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:31,548 You know, a little makeup. 138 00:05:31,592 --> 00:05:33,898 You know, probably a couple tampons, you know? 139 00:05:33,942 --> 00:05:35,813 If it's that time of the month, you know? 140 00:05:35,857 --> 00:05:38,642 Hoes got giant bags so that you can spot 'em. 141 00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:41,819 They got three pair of shoes in there, four or five wigs. 142 00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:43,647 You know, they'll go upstairs, nigga, turn a trick, 143 00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:46,911 -come down a redhead. -[laughter] 144 00:05:46,955 --> 00:05:48,609 And if y'all really wanna see some funny shit, 145 00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:50,175 go to downtown Las Vegas. 146 00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:52,526 That's where the old hoes hang out. 147 00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:55,093 They still walk the stroll like it's 1972. 148 00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:58,140 They out in the sun. Hot. 149 00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:00,360 And they loud when you walk by. When you're driving by, 150 00:06:00,403 --> 00:06:03,537 "Hey, you see us over here, nigga! 151 00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:05,974 Come on over here, nigga! 152 00:06:06,017 --> 00:06:09,238 Fuck with a bitch, nigga! 153 00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:12,894 Let me suckyour little comedy dick, nigga!" 154 00:06:12,937 --> 00:06:14,461 I said, "Bitch, you got three teeth 155 00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:17,812 and they don't look like they like each other. 156 00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:19,466 Wait till them motherfuckers fall out, 157 00:06:19,509 --> 00:06:22,512 come back and see a nigga." 158 00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:25,210 Fuck y'all. Don't knock it till you try it. 159 00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:28,126 They'll gum you down, nigga. Smooth sailing. 160 00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:29,606 [laughter] 161 00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:33,088 Hoes got regular lives, too. I live out here. 162 00:06:33,131 --> 00:06:35,046 You see hoes in grocery stores out here. 163 00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,831 Nigga, you on aisle nine and a bitch come out 164 00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:39,529 with her titty hanging out. "Nigga, where the bread at?" 165 00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:41,096 I said, "Baby, put your titty up. 166 00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:43,620 My son right here. You're making him hungry. 167 00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,622 [laughter] 168 00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:48,146 Hell, yeah, nigga. Shit, I was married to a... 169 00:06:48,190 --> 00:06:50,932 a motherfucker that was... whoo. 170 00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:53,325 I'm on my fourth marriage, you understand me? 171 00:06:53,369 --> 00:06:55,719 My first three wives was cool, nigga, 172 00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:58,287 but the third one... nigga... 173 00:06:58,330 --> 00:07:01,464 that was crazy pussy. 174 00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:05,468 Nigga, I call it-- You ever had polio pussy? 175 00:07:05,512 --> 00:07:08,515 Polio pussy and not a bitch that got polio. 176 00:07:08,558 --> 00:07:11,213 The pussy's so good you just put your dick in it 177 00:07:11,256 --> 00:07:13,433 that bitch give you polio. [mumbles] "Oh! Goddamn! 178 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:17,306 -[laughter] -It's so good! It's so good!" 179 00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,482 That bitch had me following her around. 180 00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:21,049 Nigga, I couldn't go nowhere. 181 00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:24,139 "Where you going?" "I'm right behind you." 182 00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:26,054 You ever had pussy so motherfucking good 183 00:07:26,097 --> 00:07:27,969 she's in your house... 184 00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:30,798 she go in the bathroom, nigga, you be outside the door... 185 00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:32,539 [knocks] "The fuck you in there doing? 186 00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:34,541 [knocks] You been in there too goddamn long. 187 00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:36,368 What you in there doing, woman?!" 188 00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:38,327 "I'm right in here taking a shit." 189 00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:40,024 The bitch come out, "Where you going?" 190 00:07:40,068 --> 00:07:42,636 "I'm going to the store." "I'm going with you." 191 00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:44,594 Y'all remember I disappeared off the scene 192 00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,640 for, like, two, three years? 193 00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:50,513 Nigga... that pussy was that good. 194 00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:52,994 I couldn't leave, nigga, 'cause, you know, 195 00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:56,084 women fuck, I think, like your occupation. 196 00:07:56,127 --> 00:07:58,695 You know, if you fuck a doctor, she gonna fuck like a doctor. 197 00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:01,872 You know, "Just, uh, flex your gluteus maximus." 198 00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:04,614 You know what I mean? You fuck a crazy bitch? 199 00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:07,138 Crazy women, nigga... 200 00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:08,879 -[grunts] -[laughter] 201 00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:11,665 Nigga, your dick, "Oh, goddamn. Shit." 202 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,536 Nigga, I sat at that motherfucking house... 203 00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:16,626 My mama came over. She said, "Baby, ain't nobody 204 00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:19,629 seen you in about three years. 205 00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,109 I ain't seen you in seven months. 206 00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:22,893 You ain't doing no movies no more, 207 00:08:22,937 --> 00:08:26,070 you ain't doing TV, you ain't even touring, Eddie. 208 00:08:26,114 --> 00:08:28,029 What you doing? You just underneath this 209 00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:31,598 -stinky, nasty bitch?" -[laughter] 210 00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:34,601 She said,"She done put the roots on you." 211 00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:36,690 Now, nigga, I didn't know what the fuck "the roots" mean. 212 00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:38,256 I'm like, "Mama, what you talking about?" 213 00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:40,563 "The roots, nigga." I said, "Did she make you 214 00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:42,217 some kind of gravy or spaghetti?" 215 00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:45,002 -I said, "Every three days." -[laughter] 216 00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:46,874 I didn't know, shit! 217 00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:49,224 This bitch making me period panty spaghetti. 218 00:08:49,267 --> 00:08:52,401 Nigga, I'm sitting over there brainwashed. 219 00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:54,795 My mama said, "Here, to kill a nigga, 220 00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:58,276 you make this bitch a special clam chowder, all right? 221 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,801 Motherfucker, give her a clam chowder 222 00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:03,586 and get a pair of her panties and bury them in the backyard." 223 00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,588 Well, as y'all can see, I'm back to work. 224 00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,851 [laughter] 225 00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:11,812 So, if the shit ever happen to you, you know the cure. 226 00:09:11,855 --> 00:09:13,640 When I was a kid, nigga, you know they take you 227 00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:16,599 on these field trips?I was like six, seven years old. 228 00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,253 They take you to the zoo. 229 00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,560 So we went to the monkey exhibit 230 00:09:20,603 --> 00:09:22,344 and they wasn't doing monkey shit. 231 00:09:22,387 --> 00:09:23,867 They wasn't moving. 232 00:09:23,911 --> 00:09:25,434 So, nigga, I started throwing rocks at 'em. 233 00:09:25,477 --> 00:09:27,218 I wanted to see them do monkey shit. 234 00:09:27,262 --> 00:09:30,047 That monkey loaded up, nigga... 235 00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:32,484 [farts] Pow! 236 00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:36,488 And it hit a nigga right here and it was hot! 237 00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:38,969 All you heard was... [crying] 238 00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:41,624 [laughter] 239 00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,887 Nigga, this is how I became funny. 240 00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:46,107 Two years of kids don't give a fuck. 241 00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:47,761 Kids fucking with me all the time. 242 00:09:47,804 --> 00:09:49,937 -"Hey, monkey shit head!" -[laughter] 243 00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:52,635 Yeah, you better learn how to clown back. 244 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,464 Yeah, fuck monkeys. Yeah. 245 00:09:55,507 --> 00:09:57,335 They full of shit, but I think that was 246 00:09:57,379 --> 00:10:00,164 God talking to me, really. That's God's way of saying, 247 00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:03,777 -"Nigga, you the shit." -[laughter] 248 00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:06,257 Nigga, shit. I been telling jokes 249 00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:08,520 so motherfucking long, nigga. I used to do this shit 250 00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:10,566 -for free on the corner. -[woman] Oh, no. 251 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,569 -Yeah, I never had to buy weed. -[laughter] 252 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,179 They're like, "Give a little nigga a dime sack, 253 00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:17,660 he gonna go all night." And I did, too, nigga. 254 00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,140 Shit, they mamas be on the porch. 255 00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:22,317 "I told y'all Eddie crazy. Look at him. 256 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,362 He can do anybody. The boy's a mimic." 257 00:10:24,406 --> 00:10:25,973 I said, "What are you talking about, woman?" 258 00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:28,976 -"See, the nigga doing me. -[laughter] 259 00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:30,717 Eddie, you gonna make it. Keep going, baby. 260 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,370 You keep going." 261 00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:35,765 I appreciate the fuck out of them old sisters, man. 262 00:10:35,809 --> 00:10:38,638 Shit, only family members would come outside, 263 00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:42,163 -"That boy ain't gonna be shit. -[laughter] 264 00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:44,208 He going to jail like his Uncle Bucky." 265 00:10:44,252 --> 00:10:46,080 [laughter] 266 00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:48,952 I remember I had a principal whotold me I wasn't gonna be shit. 267 00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,780 "Nigga, you ain't gonna never gonna be shit, nigga. 268 00:10:50,824 --> 00:10:53,261 You're getting suspended,you're always clowning in class. 269 00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:56,525 Nigga, you ain't gonna be shit, Eddie." 270 00:10:56,568 --> 00:10:58,527 Show you how God work. I fuck around, 271 00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,834 and I become famous, right? I go back home 272 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,836 to Kansas City, Missouri, nigga,I did a concert. 273 00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:04,707 Midland Theater, 5,000 seats sold the fuck out. 274 00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,535 It was a line around a line around a building 275 00:11:06,578 --> 00:11:09,059 if you can wrap your head around that. 276 00:11:09,103 --> 00:11:10,844 I spotted this motherfucking principal 277 00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:13,803 in line to get a ticket. I told my limo driver, 278 00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:15,936 -"Slow down." -[laughter] 279 00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:17,372 Oh, I got bougier than a motherfucker. 280 00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:19,330 -[affected] "Slow down." -[laughter] 281 00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:20,984 Nigga, I rolled the window down,[shouts] "Nigga, 282 00:11:21,028 --> 00:11:23,247 you ain't gonna never be shit! 283 00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:24,684 [laughter] 284 00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:27,730 [affected] Onward, Charles. Onward." 285 00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:29,819 You don't tell no kid they ain't gonna be shit 286 00:11:29,863 --> 00:11:32,735 even if they ain't gonna be shit. 287 00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:35,564 Now we on this election cycle again, nigga. 288 00:11:35,607 --> 00:11:38,001 -[woman] Oh, right? -And Trump motherfucker-- 289 00:11:38,045 --> 00:11:39,786 [chuckles] Nigga... 290 00:11:39,829 --> 00:11:41,744 this motherfucker... 291 00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,877 -Trump untouchable, nigga. -[man] Yup. 292 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,705 They did this Mueller Report shit. 293 00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:47,924 What did that take?Two, three fucking years, nigga? 294 00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:50,361 FBI can't get him. CIA can't get him. 295 00:11:50,405 --> 00:11:53,582 Nigga, this nigga-- God, we need ya. 296 00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:55,540 -[laughter] -You gonna have to come down 297 00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:57,542 and get this orange motherfucker. 298 00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:59,762 The Sunny D is untouchable... 299 00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:02,069 [laughter] 300 00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:04,419 and I don't like the Democrats. Don't get it twisted. 301 00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:07,030 Democrats to me is some pussy motherfuckers. 302 00:12:07,074 --> 00:12:09,554 All they do is motherfucking apologize every day. 303 00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:12,949 "I wanna apologize for 1972." 304 00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:16,213 Biden apologizingfor touching a bitch's shoulder. 305 00:12:16,257 --> 00:12:18,607 Now I wanna know who this bitch is 306 00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:20,522 that a motherfucker touch your shoulder, 307 00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:24,308 you think you getting raped. Bitch, you ain't had dick ever. 308 00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:25,570 You should've thanked that man 309 00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:27,529 for the fucking shoulder massage. 310 00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:30,445 Trump don't apologize for shit. You gotta respect this gangsta. 311 00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:31,968 -[man] Got to. -You understand? 312 00:12:32,012 --> 00:12:34,710 That motherfucker nuts be dragging the ground 313 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,757 leaving orange juice trails. 314 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,933 "Trump, did you grab the pussy?" 315 00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:42,500 "I'm gonna grab another one tonight. 316 00:12:42,544 --> 00:12:44,894 I invited Tiger Woods over to the White House 317 00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:46,940 and we just grabbing pussy together. 318 00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:49,899 I mean, I'm gonna give him an award." 319 00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:52,815 Trump don't give a fuck, that racist motherfucker. 320 00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:54,904 I don't like this motherfucker, man, 'cause... 321 00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:57,515 he want all niggas in jail or dead. 322 00:12:57,559 --> 00:13:00,692 He don't want no Mexicans in this country whatsoever. 323 00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:03,304 Paco, I'm here to tell you, don't go nowhere. 324 00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:06,394 Stay, nigga, we need you. 325 00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:07,874 Hell, motherfucking, yeah. 326 00:13:07,917 --> 00:13:09,223 They trying to turn back the clock, y'all. 327 00:13:09,266 --> 00:13:11,007 -[woman] You got that right. -Beware. 328 00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:13,183 'Cause the Trump Show is just what it's always been, 329 00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:14,794 -a reality show. -[woman] Exactly. 330 00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,404 That's just to keep your ass busy, nigga. 331 00:13:16,447 --> 00:13:19,581 He do so much shit every day it tires you out. 332 00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:22,758 You wake up in the morning, he done did some shit already. 333 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,542 You go to work, by the time you get home, 334 00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:27,589 "What? The nigga did all that today?!" 335 00:13:27,632 --> 00:13:29,983 Nigga, if Obama did five of the things 336 00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:31,811 this motherfucker pulled off every day, 337 00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:33,900 they'd have hung that nigga on national TV 338 00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:35,771 and charged you to see it. 339 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,382 You know how hard it was to be that nigga? 340 00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:40,123 A nigga that clean? This nigga didn't have 341 00:13:40,167 --> 00:13:43,779 one...motherfucking...blemish. 342 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,607 Nigga, you know how hard it is for a nigga 343 00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:47,914 not to do something? 344 00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:50,481 Nigga, I'm gonna fuck up in about 15 minutes. 345 00:13:50,525 --> 00:13:53,180 Just keep watching. 346 00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:55,095 -[man] And he's from Chicago! -Yeah, shit! 347 00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,140 I'm from Kansas City, Missouri, nigga. 348 00:13:57,184 --> 00:13:59,621 [cheers and applause] 349 00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:01,710 Yeah, Obama from Chicago, but if you listen 350 00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:04,756 to white people, he's fromNigeria or somewhere over there. 351 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,063 Uganda and "Du-bu-ja-ba-ga." 352 00:14:07,107 --> 00:14:09,065 [laughter] 353 00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:12,155 Trump motherfucking ass, nigga. This motherfucker... 354 00:14:12,199 --> 00:14:14,070 but it's all right, nigga. 355 00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:15,724 Y'all trying to turn back the clock, white people. 356 00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:19,554 I'm hip to you. I ain't going. 357 00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:21,251 I want you motherfucking white people in here 358 00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:23,558 to look around at the niggas sitting close to you. 359 00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:26,474 We ain't our father's father's father. 360 00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:28,215 -[laughter] -You ain't gonna never hear, 361 00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:30,434 "Yessum?" 362 00:14:30,478 --> 00:14:32,784 Nigga, I'm going to hell or jail, you pick which one. 363 00:14:32,828 --> 00:14:34,743 [laughter] 364 00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:37,572 -[cheers and applause] -For real, though. 365 00:14:37,615 --> 00:14:39,922 I couldn't have been no slave, man. 366 00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:42,142 Master would've killed me in five minutes. 367 00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:43,926 [laughter] 368 00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,841 With this mouthpiece? Nigga, shit. 369 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,974 "Kill that damn nigger! 370 00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:51,368 Put that smart nigger down! 371 00:14:51,412 --> 00:14:54,458 Put him down! He keeps talking! 372 00:14:54,502 --> 00:14:56,634 He's riling up the rest of 'em! 373 00:14:56,678 --> 00:14:57,897 [laughter] 374 00:14:57,940 --> 00:15:01,291 Put him down!" 375 00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:03,163 'Cause they always say we come from slaves. 376 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,816 Nigga, we don't come from no motherfucking slaves. 377 00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:07,819 We come from kings and queens. You understand me? 378 00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:10,083 -[cheers and applause] -They act like our history 379 00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:13,390 started at Roots,nigga. I seen Roots. 380 00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:15,653 I didn't like that motherfucking film, man. 381 00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:17,960 In the movie they always had us picking cotton 382 00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:20,484 in the hot sun singing like it's a happy thing. 383 00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:23,270 ♪ Lord, Jesus 384 00:15:23,313 --> 00:15:25,968 ♪ Lord, Lord Jesus 385 00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:28,579 -Nigga, run! -[laughter] 386 00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:31,843 They gonna kill your ass anyway!Make a run for it, nigga! 387 00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:35,717 Nigga, I'd have took off every day. Pow! 388 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,762 And you know, back then, nigga, when you ran, 389 00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:40,069 if they caught you, they would cut something off. 390 00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:42,158 I'd have did it so many times I'd have been 391 00:15:42,202 --> 00:15:45,857 a head and a torso. Still trying to get away! 392 00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:49,731 [laughter] 393 00:15:49,774 --> 00:15:52,125 "Hey, nigga, there go Worm. Nigga, there go little Worm. 394 00:15:52,168 --> 00:15:55,171 That nigga Worm at it again, nigga." 395 00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:57,434 Nigga, I'd have came back. They'd have caught my ass 396 00:15:57,478 --> 00:16:01,395 no arms, no legs. "Hey, what you gonna do, Eddie? 397 00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:02,700 He took your arms and your legs." 398 00:16:02,744 --> 00:16:05,268 -"I still got my dick." -[laughter] 399 00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:07,401 Life is always good with a dick. 400 00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:09,098 "Shit, I can still get some pussy. 401 00:16:09,142 --> 00:16:11,361 It's all right with me." "Nigga, how--how you fuck?" 402 00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:13,581 "I tell the bitches, 'Pull me up in you. 403 00:16:13,624 --> 00:16:15,148 [laughter] 404 00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:17,759 Spin me, bitch. Spin me.'" 405 00:16:17,802 --> 00:16:19,891 "What do they call you?" "They call me Pogo Stick." 406 00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:22,807 [laughter] 407 00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:33,296 Don't worry about it,white folks, your time's coming. 408 00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,559 -[laughter] -Oh, yeah. 409 00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:38,040 If karma has any kind of validity in reality-- 410 00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:41,043 and it does, the law of karma says what? 411 00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:43,176 -"What goes around..." -[audience] "Comes around." 412 00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:44,960 I can't hear you, motherfuckers. 413 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,658 -"What goes around..." -[audience] "Comes around." 414 00:16:47,702 --> 00:16:51,532 "Sally...Scott...Jill... 415 00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:54,752 it's going down. I'm telling you. 416 00:16:54,796 --> 00:16:57,277 You're gonna havea real good time when I own you. 417 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,061 [laughter] 418 00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:01,063 I'm gonna treat you right, Bob, Jill. 419 00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:04,632 I'm gonna let you pick cotton at night. 420 00:17:04,675 --> 00:17:07,417 That way your skin don't burn up. 421 00:17:07,461 --> 00:17:10,246 I'm only gonna beat you on Thursdays at 7:30. 422 00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:13,162 -I got shit to do. -[laughter] 423 00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:15,512 And it's gonna be a whole lot of light-skinned, 424 00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:18,515 Morris Day--Day Prince-looking motherfucking kids 425 00:17:18,559 --> 00:17:21,040 -on my plantation. -[laughter] 426 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:24,086 Sally, you gonna get it! 427 00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:27,046 [laughter] 428 00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:32,138 She gonna come out the barn every damn morning, 429 00:17:32,181 --> 00:17:35,358 "That nigger wouldn't stop!" 430 00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:38,709 "Sally, what are you gonna do? He fucks you every night. 431 00:17:38,753 --> 00:17:40,711 What are you gonna do about it?" 432 00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:42,452 "I'm gonna move in. I love him." 433 00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:45,760 [laughter] 434 00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:47,979 White people, I don't think-- You couldn't have been a slave. 435 00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:51,418 -[man] I don't know. -Y'all too soft. 436 00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:52,941 [chuckles] Look, he got that face like, 437 00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:55,335 "Whatever, nigga, we could've did it." 438 00:17:55,378 --> 00:17:58,077 You can barely take five minutesof me talking shit 439 00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,035 right now without turning red 440 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:03,169 -let alone me fucking your wife.-[laughter] 441 00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:06,302 I think all the black slave owners would be on they porch, 442 00:18:06,346 --> 00:18:08,130 "Eh, let 'em go. 443 00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:11,394 No, let all of 'em go. They ain't worth a damn. 444 00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:14,745 Shit, I got 100 white slaves, I ain't got a bushel of cotton 445 00:18:14,789 --> 00:18:16,486 out these motherfuckers yet. 446 00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:18,575 All they do is lay on the ground, burn up on you, 447 00:18:18,619 --> 00:18:20,751 and bitch all the time! And then when you put 'em 448 00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:23,145 in the sun you gotta grease 'em down first. 449 00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:25,713 And that sun tan lotion ain't cheap shit! 450 00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:27,454 These motherfuckers ain't cost effective. 451 00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:29,717 They bad for business. I tell you what, 452 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,459 I'll sell you all 100 of my white slaves, 453 00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:34,635 -for one Mexican." -[audience groans] 454 00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:36,419 Fuck y'all. One Mexican will pick like 455 00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:39,988 a thousand niggas, but they hard to catch. 456 00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:42,904 Yeah, they go underground. All y'all been trying to catch 457 00:18:42,947 --> 00:18:45,689 Paco for three years! 458 00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:49,911 I know he down there with that gold necklace on. 459 00:18:49,954 --> 00:18:52,000 I can hear him in the distance late at night, 460 00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:54,742 [Mexican accent] "Hey, holmes..." 461 00:18:54,785 --> 00:18:56,918 [normal voice] Y'all need us, white people. 462 00:18:56,961 --> 00:18:59,616 You don't wanna get rid of me, Ned. 463 00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:03,185 -[laughter] -You need me. 464 00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:05,448 White people need us. I mean, who you gonna have 465 00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:07,972 to blame your ineptitude on if I ain't here? 466 00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:10,627 See, white people need us so they can point the finger. 467 00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:13,891 "Why you ain't shit, Ned?" "'Cause of niggers. 468 00:19:13,935 --> 00:19:16,546 Niggers is the only reason I ain't got something 469 00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:19,201 and the Mexicans are taking all our jobs." 470 00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:20,681 "I didn't know you wanted to leaf blow. 471 00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:22,204 How the fuck they taking your jobs?" 472 00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:25,468 Hey, the Mexicans ain't taking your jobs, nigga. 473 00:19:25,512 --> 00:19:26,948 Technology is. 474 00:19:26,991 --> 00:19:29,342 Robots took everybody goddamn job. 475 00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:31,605 You used to have a factory job. You worked with your hands. 476 00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:34,521 Now a robot can do that shit. They don't need us. 477 00:19:34,564 --> 00:19:36,740 It ain't just you, Ned. 478 00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:39,743 -We're all unemployed. -[laughter] 479 00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:45,140 Everybody sick of a goddamn robot, nigga. 480 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,143 You ain't gotta providehealthcare for no fucking robot. 481 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,623 And I'm sick of these motherfuckers saying 482 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,233 black people using up all the healthcare. 483 00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:54,062 No, we ain't! We only 12% of the population. 484 00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:56,934 And niggas don't go to the hospital. 485 00:19:56,978 --> 00:20:00,938 We just sick. We can't afford it, nigga. 486 00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:02,940 And we don't trust doctors. You go in a hospital, 487 00:20:02,984 --> 00:20:04,638 I don't trust that motherfucker. 488 00:20:04,681 --> 00:20:06,596 "What's in that needle? 489 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:07,989 'Cause, you know, they trying to kill us, nigga. 490 00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:10,600 I ain't taking shit." 491 00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:12,776 -People are crazy, man. -[man] Preach! 492 00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,691 I don't preach, I teach. 493 00:20:14,735 --> 00:20:18,347 [cheers and applause] 494 00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:19,740 Hell, yeah, you want a preacher, 495 00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:21,481 you know where to find him every Sunday. 496 00:20:21,524 --> 00:20:23,396 [laughter] 497 00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:25,398 Nigga, you remember them motherfucker-- 498 00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,922 They came and shot up the black church? 499 00:20:27,965 --> 00:20:29,576 They can only pull that with black people. 500 00:20:29,619 --> 00:20:31,273 You know, we catch on quick. 501 00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,667 You know, I been to a black church lately, nigga-- 502 00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:36,060 nigga, they got guns in church now. 503 00:20:36,104 --> 00:20:37,975 And black churches, when everybody get in there, 504 00:20:38,019 --> 00:20:40,717 they lock the doors, you understand me? 505 00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,328 Motherfucker gotta knock to get into church. 506 00:20:42,371 --> 00:20:44,286 -[knocks] -[laughter] 507 00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:47,202 "Hi, I was trying to, uh, come and praise, 508 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,509 uh, Christ." 509 00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:50,945 That's when the nigga behind the door, 510 00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,686 "No, no, we don't praise Christ here, 511 00:20:52,729 --> 00:20:54,992 we praise the Lord." 512 00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:57,430 See, this code word, see? White people say "Christ." 513 00:20:57,473 --> 00:21:01,172 Niggas, we going to see the Lord. 514 00:21:01,216 --> 00:21:02,609 Hell, yeah, nigga. Shit. 515 00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:04,219 White people been killing up everybody. 516 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:07,744 -What's going on with y'all? -[laughter] 517 00:21:07,788 --> 00:21:10,007 Just last week they tried to sayit was that brother 518 00:21:10,051 --> 00:21:11,313 that killed the motherfuckers at their job, 519 00:21:11,357 --> 00:21:13,184 they ain't tricking me. 520 00:21:13,228 --> 00:21:14,925 Nigga, that nigga was dead already and they said, 521 00:21:14,969 --> 00:21:16,449 "He was the shooter." 522 00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:18,451 'Cause they tired of the motherfucking story 523 00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:20,366 that the white man is killing everybody, 524 00:21:20,409 --> 00:21:21,802 So they made the nigga the shooter. 525 00:21:21,845 --> 00:21:24,587 Why is he already dead? You understand me? 526 00:21:24,631 --> 00:21:27,242 You know, fuck that. It was somebody white again. 527 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:30,506 'Cause if I can think it, nigga, they did it. 528 00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,595 White people, what's wrong? 529 00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,815 Now I'm making youmy white representative tonight. 530 00:21:34,858 --> 00:21:37,383 You shouldn't have sat that close! 531 00:21:37,426 --> 00:21:40,908 [laughter] 532 00:21:40,951 --> 00:21:43,040 No, I'm gonna fuck with ya. I don't give a fuck. 533 00:21:43,084 --> 00:21:44,825 Here's the shit, nigga, what is wrong? 534 00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:46,566 Can y'all get fired? 535 00:21:46,609 --> 00:21:49,351 White people get fired and go kill everybody on the job. 536 00:21:49,395 --> 00:21:51,571 Niggas be getting fired all the time. 537 00:21:51,614 --> 00:21:53,355 We don't go kill nobody. 538 00:21:53,399 --> 00:21:55,096 They come to us, "Hey, you're fired." 539 00:21:55,139 --> 00:21:58,099 "Get my motherfucking check. 540 00:21:58,142 --> 00:22:00,623 I didn't like this fuck ass job no goddamn way. 541 00:22:00,667 --> 00:22:02,582 Get me my motherfucking check." 542 00:22:02,625 --> 00:22:04,018 "Oh, we're gonna send your check in the mail." 543 00:22:04,061 --> 00:22:05,846 "No, motherfucker, I'm leaving today, 544 00:22:05,889 --> 00:22:08,762 my money leaving when I leave. Give me my motherfucking check! 545 00:22:08,805 --> 00:22:11,417 No fuck ass shit." 546 00:22:11,460 --> 00:22:13,723 Nigga be on the block later on, "Hey, Ed, what happened?" 547 00:22:13,767 --> 00:22:15,421 "That motherfucker told me I'm fired, nigga. Shit. 548 00:22:15,464 --> 00:22:16,857 I cashed this bitch, got some weed. 549 00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:19,381 Nigga, light it up." 550 00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:22,341 White people get fired, they nice to white people. 551 00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,865 You know, when they fire us,"You're fired! Get out of here!" 552 00:22:24,908 --> 00:22:26,388 White people get fired? 553 00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:28,434 Nigga, it's a whole different way of firing. 554 00:22:28,477 --> 00:22:31,132 -"[sighs] -[laughter] 555 00:22:31,175 --> 00:22:33,395 Ned, ugh... 556 00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:36,311 God, I don't even know how to tell you this. 557 00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,444 Oh, fuck. 558 00:22:38,487 --> 00:22:41,098 I hate doing this, man. 559 00:22:41,142 --> 00:22:43,927 I mean, it's not me. It's coming from upstairs. 560 00:22:43,971 --> 00:22:45,407 [laughter] 561 00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:47,540 I gotta let you go, Ned." 562 00:22:47,583 --> 00:22:49,629 "You're gonna fucking let me go? 563 00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:51,935 [stammers] Is this some kind of fucking joke? 564 00:22:51,979 --> 00:22:54,460 I been working here 27 fucking years. 565 00:22:54,503 --> 00:22:56,157 You're gonna tell me I'm fucking fired? 566 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,550 Is this--that how this fucking goes, man? 567 00:22:57,593 --> 00:22:59,813 I got a fucking mortgage, I got a wife, 568 00:22:59,856 --> 00:23:01,423 I got four kids, and a dog named Petie. 569 00:23:01,467 --> 00:23:03,077 You're telling me I'm fucking fired? 570 00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:05,862 I'm fucking fired?! I'm fucking fired." 571 00:23:05,906 --> 00:23:07,603 -[laughter] -That's right! 572 00:23:07,647 --> 00:23:09,518 They should know, nigga! "I'm fucking fired?!" 573 00:23:09,562 --> 00:23:12,521 They should know, run, nigga! 574 00:23:12,565 --> 00:23:14,393 "I'm fired? Okay!" 575 00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:17,178 You see that motherfucker come to work the next day, 576 00:23:17,221 --> 00:23:20,050 suit on, briefcase. 577 00:23:20,094 --> 00:23:22,444 "How's it going? Hey! 578 00:23:22,488 --> 00:23:25,360 Fucking--It's fucking Ned. Ha ha ha. 579 00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:27,362 Yeah, ha ha ha. 580 00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:30,017 Yeah, ha ha ha." 581 00:23:30,060 --> 00:23:32,889 [imitates gunfire] 582 00:23:32,933 --> 00:23:35,936 Niggas--Niggas never get shot on the job, nigga, 583 00:23:35,979 --> 00:23:37,372 when that shit goes down 584 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,635 'cause we aware of our surroundings. 585 00:23:39,679 --> 00:23:42,986 That motherfucker Ned come back the next day... 586 00:23:43,030 --> 00:23:44,684 [laughter] 587 00:23:44,727 --> 00:23:46,555 niggas be on the motherfucking job, 588 00:23:46,599 --> 00:23:49,166 -"Ain't that Ned? -[laughter] 589 00:23:49,210 --> 00:23:52,169 Didn't they fire that motherfucker yesterday? 590 00:23:52,213 --> 00:23:55,738 Shit, it's time to take a long lunch." 591 00:23:55,782 --> 00:23:57,827 They be outside, [imitates gunfire] 592 00:23:57,871 --> 00:24:02,397 "I told you! He killing everybody!" 593 00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:04,225 White people, y'all are just the opposite. 594 00:24:04,268 --> 00:24:06,488 Y'all too fucking nosey. 595 00:24:06,532 --> 00:24:08,447 I think that's why y'all got the pointy nose. 596 00:24:08,490 --> 00:24:10,405 You're nosey! 597 00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:13,669 Ned come back the next day, y'all motherfuckers be like, 598 00:24:13,713 --> 00:24:16,846 -"God, that's--that's Ned. -[laughter] 599 00:24:16,890 --> 00:24:21,634 Shit, he looks distraught. Fuck, man, hard way to go. 600 00:24:21,677 --> 00:24:23,853 Come on, let's go try to cheer him up." 601 00:24:23,897 --> 00:24:26,856 [imitates gunfire] 602 00:24:26,900 --> 00:24:28,641 [laughter] 603 00:24:28,684 --> 00:24:31,687 Nigga, when niggas leave, come with us. 604 00:24:31,731 --> 00:24:34,429 We know something. 605 00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:36,431 We got street spider senses. 606 00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:38,433 You know, that's from being on the block, nigga. 607 00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:42,002 We be like, "They about to kill that nigga Earl." 608 00:24:42,045 --> 00:24:45,353 Nigga, we be at the club, nigga.Dancing like a motherfucker. 609 00:24:45,396 --> 00:24:48,225 "Oh, these niggas about to shootthis motherfucker up, nigga." 610 00:24:48,269 --> 00:24:50,227 We don't stop dancing, though. 611 00:24:50,271 --> 00:24:53,579 [laughter] 612 00:24:53,622 --> 00:24:57,321 I talk about you, white people, because I care. 613 00:24:57,365 --> 00:24:59,193 I'm trying to help you. 614 00:24:59,236 --> 00:25:02,501 Y'all do shit that no other culture does. 615 00:25:02,544 --> 00:25:06,287 Goddamnit, this is the, uh, white people getting chewed up 616 00:25:06,330 --> 00:25:08,115 by shark season. 617 00:25:08,158 --> 00:25:10,421 I'm 52 years old. All the years I've been 618 00:25:10,465 --> 00:25:13,033 on this earth y'all keep getting chewed up by sharks. 619 00:25:13,076 --> 00:25:15,165 When the fuck y'all gonna learn? 620 00:25:15,209 --> 00:25:17,559 Why do y'all go out that far? 621 00:25:17,603 --> 00:25:20,910 -That's where they at. -[laughter] 622 00:25:20,954 --> 00:25:23,217 You ain't heard of a chewed up nigga nowhere on earth. 623 00:25:23,260 --> 00:25:25,741 We go waist high. 624 00:25:25,785 --> 00:25:27,700 Y'all seen us at the beach splashing around, 625 00:25:27,743 --> 00:25:29,919 make it look like we doing some shit. 626 00:25:29,963 --> 00:25:33,357 Nigga feels some seaweed. "There's something! 627 00:25:33,401 --> 00:25:35,534 Yo, kids, get out that water!" 628 00:25:35,577 --> 00:25:37,579 We won't even go get the kids. "Do what Daddy taught you! 629 00:25:37,623 --> 00:25:41,540 -Swim, nigga!" -[laughter] 630 00:25:41,583 --> 00:25:43,585 Nigga jump out dry. Nigga... 631 00:25:43,629 --> 00:25:46,283 [laughter] 632 00:25:46,327 --> 00:25:47,937 I joke around, man. Love who you love. 633 00:25:47,981 --> 00:25:49,417 You understand me? 634 00:25:49,460 --> 00:25:51,288 I see interracial couples in here, nigga. 635 00:25:51,332 --> 00:25:53,639 And, you know, you're with your white woman tonight, 636 00:25:53,682 --> 00:25:56,859 -you're taking a chance. -[laughter] 637 00:25:56,903 --> 00:25:58,774 That's all I'm saying. 638 00:25:58,818 --> 00:26:01,734 Love who you love,but, nigga, you taking a chance. 639 00:26:01,777 --> 00:26:04,127 She got that phone call she can make, man. 640 00:26:04,171 --> 00:26:05,651 All she gotta do is, 9-1-1. 641 00:26:05,694 --> 00:26:08,175 "He's raping me." Nigga, you going to jail. 642 00:26:08,218 --> 00:26:10,394 Who you think they gonna believe, nigga? 643 00:26:10,438 --> 00:26:13,310 I ain't fucking around. "Sally, you're safe with him." 644 00:26:13,354 --> 00:26:16,009 -[laughter] -But love who you love, man. 645 00:26:16,052 --> 00:26:17,401 You know how hard it is for y'all to be 646 00:26:17,445 --> 00:26:19,055 in an interracial relationship? 647 00:26:19,099 --> 00:26:22,058 Y'all was probably tortured on the way in this room. 648 00:26:22,102 --> 00:26:24,017 'Cause motherfuckers be talking shit. 649 00:26:24,060 --> 00:26:26,019 Sisters cold, nigga. "Look at that nigga 650 00:26:26,062 --> 00:26:28,238 -with that white bitch. -[laughter] 651 00:26:28,282 --> 00:26:30,850 Couldn't handle us, huh, nigga? 652 00:26:30,893 --> 00:26:33,635 Had to go get you a snow bunny, nigga. 653 00:26:33,679 --> 00:26:36,333 Probably little dick, motherfucker. 654 00:26:36,377 --> 00:26:38,901 We didn't want your black ass no way." 655 00:26:38,945 --> 00:26:40,468 Leroy be walking with Sally, 656 00:26:40,511 --> 00:26:44,124 "Sally, come on, they're gonna kill us." 657 00:26:44,167 --> 00:26:45,995 Brothers, we the same way. 658 00:26:46,039 --> 00:26:48,694 We see a sista with a white dude, we go the fuck off. 659 00:26:48,737 --> 00:26:51,261 "Get your money, bitch. 660 00:26:51,305 --> 00:26:52,828 Get your money, bitch. 661 00:26:52,872 --> 00:26:54,438 Yeah, you couldn't handle that anaconda, huh? 662 00:26:54,482 --> 00:26:56,702 Get your money, bitch." 663 00:26:56,745 --> 00:26:58,660 Sista be like, "What?!" "I was just saying something." 664 00:26:58,704 --> 00:27:01,228 [laughter] 665 00:27:01,271 --> 00:27:03,099 Hell, motherfucker, yeah. Love who you love, man, 666 00:27:03,143 --> 00:27:04,535 but that's some rough shit, nigga. 667 00:27:04,579 --> 00:27:07,930 You in a--a fucking relationshipjust, you know, 668 00:27:07,974 --> 00:27:11,455 white and black, Leroy and Sally... 669 00:27:11,499 --> 00:27:14,676 Sally, you got it rough. You better really love Leroy 670 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,723 'cause that's the only nigga you gonna have. 671 00:27:17,766 --> 00:27:21,074 'Cause, nigga, white families kick y'all out the family. 672 00:27:21,117 --> 00:27:23,511 Man, white families cold. "Get your ass out 673 00:27:23,554 --> 00:27:25,861 the goddamn family, Sally. 674 00:27:25,905 --> 00:27:29,430 Bringing that jiggaboo to my goddamn home. 675 00:27:29,473 --> 00:27:31,650 He ain't coming in here! 676 00:27:31,693 --> 00:27:33,695 What am I supposed to cook? Some fucking fried chicken? 677 00:27:33,739 --> 00:27:36,916 I ain't cooking no fucking fried chicken! 678 00:27:36,959 --> 00:27:39,701 You out of the family! You're out of the fucking will! 679 00:27:39,745 --> 00:27:41,921 Get your fucking cunt, whore, bitch ass... 680 00:27:41,964 --> 00:27:44,401 [mumbling]" 681 00:27:44,445 --> 00:27:46,752 Sally leave the house, "[crying] Goddamn, Leroy, 682 00:27:46,795 --> 00:27:49,232 you're all I have." 683 00:27:49,276 --> 00:27:52,801 Leroy trying to you-- take her to his mama house. 684 00:27:52,845 --> 00:27:54,368 You already know sistas, "You ain't bringing 685 00:27:54,411 --> 00:27:56,109 that white bitch in here. 686 00:27:56,152 --> 00:27:58,720 You ain't bringing that white bitch in my house, Leroy. 687 00:27:58,764 --> 00:28:00,896 I taught you better than this, nigga. 688 00:28:00,940 --> 00:28:02,376 What am I supposed to cook? Quiche? 689 00:28:02,419 --> 00:28:05,640 I don't cook no goddamn quiche. 690 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:08,382 Get your black ass outta here with that snow bunny, nigga. 691 00:28:08,425 --> 00:28:10,427 You can't come in this goddamn house 692 00:28:10,471 --> 00:28:11,907 till you get a bitch with cornrows. 693 00:28:11,951 --> 00:28:13,953 [laughter] 694 00:28:13,996 --> 00:28:16,956 Leroy leave the house, "You're all I got, Sally." 695 00:28:16,999 --> 00:28:19,915 And they wander the earth together, nigga. 696 00:28:19,959 --> 00:28:21,612 [laughter] 697 00:28:21,656 --> 00:28:23,005 That's why you see them walk like that. 698 00:28:23,049 --> 00:28:25,094 They all alone just... 699 00:28:25,138 --> 00:28:28,750 [laughter] 700 00:28:28,794 --> 00:28:30,883 Hell, yeah, the two most racist motherfuckers 701 00:28:30,926 --> 00:28:32,928 on earth is a white man 702 00:28:32,972 --> 00:28:36,410 and a black woman, you understand me? 703 00:28:36,453 --> 00:28:39,152 Yeah, a white man don't givea fuck, sista don't give a fuck. 704 00:28:39,195 --> 00:28:41,807 The only cure for that kind of relationship 705 00:28:41,850 --> 00:28:44,026 is when they have a baby. 706 00:28:44,070 --> 00:28:46,202 -Y'all had a baby yet? -We got two. 707 00:28:46,246 --> 00:28:47,595 -You got two? -[man] Yeah! 708 00:28:47,638 --> 00:28:50,076 -See, you're back in the family.-[laughter] 709 00:28:50,119 --> 00:28:52,774 'Cause only the babies can cure that racism. 710 00:28:52,818 --> 00:28:55,821 You bring that baby over to their sister's house... 711 00:29:00,303 --> 00:29:02,828 "This my grandbaby? 712 00:29:02,871 --> 00:29:04,699 Lord... 713 00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:07,833 -he got that good hair. -[laughter] 714 00:29:07,876 --> 00:29:11,097 He got the skin to win, too. 715 00:29:11,140 --> 00:29:14,970 Sally, come on in here, girl. I was just bullshitting. 716 00:29:15,014 --> 00:29:16,885 Yeah, I went on that Food Network. 717 00:29:16,929 --> 00:29:18,800 I learned how to make that quiche. 718 00:29:18,844 --> 00:29:20,149 Come on in here." 719 00:29:20,193 --> 00:29:23,109 You take them over to that redneck house... 720 00:29:24,719 --> 00:29:27,635 [laughter] 721 00:29:29,071 --> 00:29:31,813 "This my goddamn grandson? 722 00:29:31,857 --> 00:29:36,252 God damn...little fucker's got a permanent tan. 723 00:29:36,296 --> 00:29:38,864 I mean, look at the size of the balls on this fucker. 724 00:29:38,907 --> 00:29:41,127 -Whoo! -[laughter] 725 00:29:41,170 --> 00:29:43,912 Look at how big his hands are! We're going to the NFL. 726 00:29:43,956 --> 00:29:46,872 [laughter] 727 00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:57,534 Love who you love, man. Shit. 728 00:29:57,578 --> 00:29:59,754 My wife's Korean, nigga. Shit. 729 00:29:59,798 --> 00:30:02,148 I'm sleeping with the enemy. 730 00:30:02,191 --> 00:30:04,628 I'm dating Kim Yum Yum's motherfucking sister. 731 00:30:04,672 --> 00:30:07,457 -[laughter] -Little sister's looking at me 732 00:30:07,501 --> 00:30:09,590 like, "Nigga, what you doing with that Korean chick?" 733 00:30:09,633 --> 00:30:11,853 I was married to three of y'all.Y'all had a chance, shit. 734 00:30:11,897 --> 00:30:13,637 [laughter] 735 00:30:13,681 --> 00:30:17,511 Now I got ten beautiful children. 736 00:30:17,554 --> 00:30:19,208 -[audience exclaims] -Yeah, thank you. 737 00:30:19,252 --> 00:30:21,558 -That's a blessing. -[cheers and applause] 738 00:30:21,602 --> 00:30:24,823 Niggas looking at me like, "Damn, ten, nigga?" 739 00:30:24,866 --> 00:30:27,738 Don't judge my motherfucking ability to take care of my kids 740 00:30:27,782 --> 00:30:29,784 -by your wallet. -[laughter] 741 00:30:29,828 --> 00:30:32,482 All ten of mine finer than a motherfucker 742 00:30:32,526 --> 00:30:34,093 and most of 'em grown, anyway. 743 00:30:34,136 --> 00:30:35,877 Nigga, I just got my four youngest with me. 744 00:30:35,921 --> 00:30:38,227 The rest of the first crop-- I call the first crop, gone. 745 00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:39,838 [laughter] 746 00:30:39,881 --> 00:30:42,797 -You know, my oldest is 33. -[audience exclaims] 747 00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:45,191 -My youngest is five. -[audience whoos] 748 00:30:45,234 --> 00:30:47,236 Hell, yeah, and I got my first grandson 749 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:49,848 -and he five. -[laughter] 750 00:30:49,891 --> 00:30:52,285 Nigga, they go to school together. 751 00:30:52,328 --> 00:30:54,287 [laughter] 752 00:30:54,330 --> 00:30:56,898 Only in a black family. 753 00:30:56,942 --> 00:30:58,900 Hey, you know the greatest joy of my life 754 00:30:58,944 --> 00:31:00,902 outside of seeing smiles on y'all face 755 00:31:00,946 --> 00:31:02,948 doing this job that I love to death? 756 00:31:02,991 --> 00:31:06,734 Is watching my youngest son and my grandson hang out. 757 00:31:06,777 --> 00:31:08,388 You know, I tour on the weekends, man, 758 00:31:08,431 --> 00:31:10,390 so Sunday's our day. I call Junior up, 759 00:31:10,433 --> 00:31:12,435 "Junior, bring my grandson over, man." 760 00:31:12,479 --> 00:31:14,481 So, they sitting there. I'm trying to teach 'em 761 00:31:14,524 --> 00:31:16,439 how to shoot pool.You know, Kansas City, Missouri, 762 00:31:16,483 --> 00:31:17,963 you know, there's a lot of pool halls. 763 00:31:18,006 --> 00:31:19,660 So, we shoot pool back home. So I'm like, 764 00:31:19,703 --> 00:31:21,575 "Nigga, you gotta get the angle and the dangle, nigga." 765 00:31:21,618 --> 00:31:23,533 They ain't paying no attention to me. 766 00:31:23,577 --> 00:31:25,274 Just listening to them two little niggas talk 767 00:31:25,318 --> 00:31:27,146 be killing me. "Hey, nephew, come here. 768 00:31:27,189 --> 00:31:31,019 -Let me holla at you. -[laughter] 769 00:31:31,063 --> 00:31:33,326 Your teacher came and talked to me... 770 00:31:33,369 --> 00:31:35,371 again today. 771 00:31:35,415 --> 00:31:37,939 Yeah, 'cause I'm your uncle. 772 00:31:37,983 --> 00:31:41,290 She told me that you shit on yourself again. 773 00:31:41,334 --> 00:31:43,423 No, no, no, nigga, I was out of pull-ups 774 00:31:43,466 --> 00:31:45,338 at age two, you know what I mean? 775 00:31:45,381 --> 00:31:48,776 You're making the Griffin familylook bad shitting on yourself. 776 00:31:48,819 --> 00:31:50,473 And that little Asian chick in the corner 777 00:31:50,517 --> 00:31:52,736 with the wooden blocks with the little letters on it? 778 00:31:52,780 --> 00:31:54,825 That's me, nigga, back up." 779 00:31:54,869 --> 00:31:57,306 Nigga, my grandson's, "Yeah, uh... 780 00:31:57,350 --> 00:32:00,875 if she was yours, she wouldn't be hollering." 781 00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:03,573 I said, "Look at this little player!" 782 00:32:03,617 --> 00:32:06,968 Nigga, my grandson is half Mexican, half black. 783 00:32:07,012 --> 00:32:08,709 Yeah, my son married a Mexican lady, nigga. 784 00:32:08,752 --> 00:32:12,147 I call him my little "Mexi-nigga." 785 00:32:12,191 --> 00:32:14,671 When he comes by I make him tacos with collard greens. 786 00:32:14,715 --> 00:32:16,760 [laughter] 787 00:32:16,804 --> 00:32:19,763 Burritos with mac and cheese in it. 788 00:32:19,807 --> 00:32:23,332 You know, just so he get both sides of his culture. 789 00:32:23,376 --> 00:32:24,768 And he be trying to teach me Spanish, you know? 790 00:32:24,812 --> 00:32:26,379 He call me "Pa-paw." "Pa-paw..." 791 00:32:26,422 --> 00:32:28,294 'Cause he used to say "granddad," I'm like, 792 00:32:28,337 --> 00:32:30,252 "Hey, nigga, I ain't that old. 793 00:32:30,296 --> 00:32:32,646 I look too good to be granddad. 794 00:32:32,689 --> 00:32:34,648 Wait till I get old and 'raggley.'" 795 00:32:34,691 --> 00:32:36,650 I said, "It's Pa-paw. Like, Pa-paw." 796 00:32:36,693 --> 00:32:38,739 He say, "Pa-paw, que pasa? 797 00:32:38,782 --> 00:32:42,438 I said, "No, uh... that's at your mama's house. 798 00:32:42,482 --> 00:32:44,353 It's, 'What up, nigga?' over here. 799 00:32:44,397 --> 00:32:46,529 Try that. 'What up, nigga?'" 800 00:32:46,573 --> 00:32:49,141 [laughter] 801 00:32:49,184 --> 00:32:52,535 My oldest daughter, nigga, just turned 17. 802 00:32:52,579 --> 00:32:54,276 And, yeah, it's that season, nigga. 803 00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:56,800 I just bought two more guns. 804 00:32:56,844 --> 00:32:58,977 'Cause this is when the little "ignit" motherfuckers 805 00:32:59,020 --> 00:33:01,588 start coming by trying to take 'em on dates. 806 00:33:01,631 --> 00:33:03,938 And them motherfuckers act like we don't remember 807 00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:06,027 being them, you know what I mean? 808 00:33:06,071 --> 00:33:07,855 Motherfucker come to the door...[knocks] 809 00:33:07,898 --> 00:33:10,379 "Hey, uh, Mr. Griffin, how you doing, man? 810 00:33:10,423 --> 00:33:12,207 Man, I really liked you in Undercover Brother,man. 811 00:33:12,251 --> 00:33:14,079 That was my joint, man. Hey, I was wondering 812 00:33:14,122 --> 00:33:15,558 if I could take your daughter out to the movies?" 813 00:33:15,602 --> 00:33:17,778 "No, nigga." 814 00:33:17,821 --> 00:33:19,867 The one I really don't trust, he's too nice. 815 00:33:19,910 --> 00:33:21,912 When he too nice, this is the freak. 816 00:33:21,956 --> 00:33:23,175 You know, this motherfucker comes to the door, 817 00:33:23,218 --> 00:33:26,178 "Hello, Mr. Griffin. I was wondering 818 00:33:26,221 --> 00:33:28,528 if I could acquire your daughter's hand in going to--" 819 00:33:28,571 --> 00:33:30,617 I said, "Nigga, get the fuck away from my--" 820 00:33:30,660 --> 00:33:33,098 He said, "No, really, I'd love to take her to the movies." 821 00:33:33,141 --> 00:33:35,056 I said, "What movie you talking about seeing?" 822 00:33:35,100 --> 00:33:37,102 This motherfucker told me the title then I was like, 823 00:33:37,145 --> 00:33:38,712 "Well, I'm in the Writer's Guild, 824 00:33:38,755 --> 00:33:40,453 Screen Actor's Guild, Director's Guild, 825 00:33:40,496 --> 00:33:42,107 they send the movies for me to screen 'em 826 00:33:42,150 --> 00:33:44,413 so I can vote on who should get the awards. 827 00:33:44,457 --> 00:33:45,936 I just happen to have that movie. 828 00:33:45,980 --> 00:33:48,461 Come on in!" I brought that nigga in, 829 00:33:48,504 --> 00:33:49,853 sat him on the couch. 830 00:33:49,897 --> 00:33:51,768 I say, "Y'all want some popcorn?" 831 00:33:51,812 --> 00:33:53,379 I went in the kitchen. You know, that microwave shit? 832 00:33:53,422 --> 00:33:55,511 One minute, twenty five seconds.Pop pop pop pop pop pop. 833 00:33:55,555 --> 00:33:58,384 Threw it on the table, nigga, and gave both of 'em a Coke. 834 00:33:58,427 --> 00:34:01,517 -I sat right between 'em. -[laughter] 835 00:34:01,561 --> 00:34:03,171 Yeah, we gonna watch this movie. 836 00:34:03,215 --> 00:34:05,391 My daughter like, "You can't--" "Shut the fuck up." 837 00:34:05,434 --> 00:34:08,089 "You getting on my nerves." I said, "Shut the fuck up." 838 00:34:08,133 --> 00:34:10,787 I said, "So, uh, yeah, what's your name, little fella? 839 00:34:10,831 --> 00:34:14,182 Erik? Ah, yeah. Hey, Erik, check it out, 840 00:34:14,226 --> 00:34:17,142 what's your intentions, young man? 841 00:34:17,185 --> 00:34:20,014 No, you act like I didn't used to be your age. 842 00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:21,885 Yeah, you thought you was going to get my daughter 843 00:34:21,929 --> 00:34:25,498 in that dark movie theater and go, oooh... 844 00:34:25,541 --> 00:34:28,414 ahh.... ooohhh... 845 00:34:28,457 --> 00:34:30,111 and then run to school the next day, 846 00:34:30,155 --> 00:34:34,115 -'Hey, man, smell my finger.'" -[laughter] 847 00:34:34,159 --> 00:34:36,596 That nigga left my house. I ain't seen him since. 848 00:34:36,639 --> 00:34:39,686 -[laughter] -My daughter still mad at me. 849 00:34:39,729 --> 00:34:41,296 "You get on my nerves. You always doing--" 850 00:34:41,340 --> 00:34:43,907 I said, "Shut the fuck up. Get the fuck outta here. 851 00:34:43,951 --> 00:34:46,127 You ain't fucking around my house. 852 00:34:46,171 --> 00:34:47,911 You finishing a four-year university 853 00:34:47,955 --> 00:34:50,305 that I already paid the fuck for. 854 00:34:50,349 --> 00:34:53,134 Give a fuck. You can stay mad, goddamnit. 855 00:34:53,178 --> 00:34:55,789 Shit, I ain't your motherfucking friend. 856 00:34:55,832 --> 00:34:58,574 I'm your father, all right? 857 00:34:58,618 --> 00:35:02,012 You--You wanna run away? Run home. 858 00:35:02,056 --> 00:35:04,145 Shit, I got nine more. I ain't gonna miss you." 859 00:35:04,189 --> 00:35:07,105 [laughter] 860 00:35:10,586 --> 00:35:13,154 I love my daughters to death, man, you know what I mean? 861 00:35:13,198 --> 00:35:14,851 But they the hardest to deal with, you know? 862 00:35:14,895 --> 00:35:17,506 First I had all boys. That shit's easy. 863 00:35:17,550 --> 00:35:19,595 You know, I been a boy. "Nigga, take the trash out." 864 00:35:19,639 --> 00:35:21,554 "Do I?" Pow! "Take the trash out." 865 00:35:21,597 --> 00:35:23,425 "Okay, trash." 866 00:35:23,469 --> 00:35:26,385 I can't touch my daughters, man.Any other man in here like that 867 00:35:26,428 --> 00:35:28,082 where you can't-- That's my little queen. 868 00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:29,475 My little princess, man. 869 00:35:29,518 --> 00:35:31,216 All they gotta do is bat them eyes at me... 870 00:35:31,259 --> 00:35:34,567 "Daddy..." "Here, take everything!" 871 00:35:34,610 --> 00:35:37,135 Then I have to go to my wife. "Hey, baby, uh... 872 00:35:37,178 --> 00:35:39,920 Need you to go get my money back. 873 00:35:39,963 --> 00:35:42,792 You gotta work as a team. "Go get it. Go get it." 874 00:35:42,836 --> 00:35:44,751 I hear my wife in the room, "Give me that goddamn money. 875 00:35:44,794 --> 00:35:47,188 What'd I tell you about working that nigga? 876 00:35:47,232 --> 00:35:49,973 That's my motherfucking money, goddamnit. 877 00:35:50,017 --> 00:35:52,672 I'm sucking the comedy dick." 878 00:35:52,715 --> 00:35:55,631 Nigga, my wifecome back in the bedroom like... 879 00:35:55,675 --> 00:35:57,981 Fifteen minutes go by. She ain't told me shit 880 00:35:58,025 --> 00:36:00,506 about my money. I said, "Uh, baby, 881 00:36:00,549 --> 00:36:02,899 you wanna bring up, uh, the money?" 882 00:36:02,943 --> 00:36:06,860 "Uh, wasn't you listening?" I said, "Yeah. My money." 883 00:36:06,903 --> 00:36:09,819 "Nah, nigga, I said 'I suck the comedy dick. 884 00:36:09,863 --> 00:36:12,866 It's my money.'" Nigga, I couldn't say shit. 885 00:36:16,261 --> 00:36:18,219 [laughter] 886 00:36:18,263 --> 00:36:20,395 "Shit, you took the money. Put it in your mouth." 887 00:36:20,439 --> 00:36:22,441 [laughter] 888 00:36:22,484 --> 00:36:24,617 Hell, yeah. Nigga, shit. 889 00:36:24,660 --> 00:36:28,838 Like I said, I'm 52. Shit, I need some head. 890 00:36:28,882 --> 00:36:30,492 You know what I mean? We don't fuck like we used to. 891 00:36:30,536 --> 00:36:33,016 I'ma be honest, nigga. I see the older men in here. 892 00:36:33,060 --> 00:36:35,497 "Now, come on, be quiet now. Speak for yourself." 893 00:36:35,541 --> 00:36:39,327 Shit, you over 50, your dick dies. 894 00:36:39,371 --> 00:36:41,764 Sometimes you can feel it. "Hey, you all right?" 895 00:36:41,808 --> 00:36:43,897 [laughter] 896 00:36:43,940 --> 00:36:48,118 And he'll look up at you, "[stammers]" 897 00:36:48,162 --> 00:36:50,251 You try to jack him off like when you was a teenager. 898 00:36:50,295 --> 00:36:51,600 "Come on, man! Come back!" 899 00:36:51,644 --> 00:36:54,821 -"Nigga, leave me alone! -[laughter] 900 00:36:54,864 --> 00:36:59,042 You freak! I'm tired, Eddie! I'm tired! 901 00:36:59,086 --> 00:37:01,654 52 years, nigga! I'm a soldier! 902 00:37:01,697 --> 00:37:04,613 That's why I got a helmet! 903 00:37:04,657 --> 00:37:07,007 I stay in the trenches, nigga! Back and forth! 904 00:37:07,050 --> 00:37:09,531 In and out! 905 00:37:09,575 --> 00:37:12,142 We ain't got no more bullets left! 906 00:37:12,186 --> 00:37:14,797 I'm shooting air, Eddie! [exhales] Look at that! 907 00:37:14,841 --> 00:37:17,365 [laughter] 908 00:37:17,409 --> 00:37:21,369 Leave me alone, nigga. Put me back in the drawers." 909 00:37:21,413 --> 00:37:24,329 [laughter] 910 00:37:28,942 --> 00:37:30,639 Then you take one of them Cialis'. 911 00:37:30,683 --> 00:37:33,990 -"Reporting for duty, sir." -[laughter] 912 00:37:34,034 --> 00:37:36,558 Now I just tell my wife. You know, I be honest with her. 913 00:37:36,602 --> 00:37:38,865 I be like, "You know, like, baby... 914 00:37:38,908 --> 00:37:40,997 I need a jumpstart." 915 00:37:41,041 --> 00:37:43,609 Yeah, the old niggas in here, don't lie. 916 00:37:43,652 --> 00:37:45,741 Shit, if your wife don't suck dick, 917 00:37:45,785 --> 00:37:48,309 you getting rid of that bitch. 918 00:37:48,353 --> 00:37:50,442 You over 50? "Baby, I need a jumpstart 919 00:37:50,485 --> 00:37:53,488 to get a nigga... [engine turning over] 920 00:37:53,532 --> 00:37:56,056 [laughter] 921 00:37:56,099 --> 00:37:59,015 [engine humming] 922 00:37:59,059 --> 00:38:02,018 [laughter] 923 00:38:04,238 --> 00:38:06,545 Don't laugh, ladies. I see y'all motherfuckers. 924 00:38:06,588 --> 00:38:09,896 Y'all pussy dying right now. 925 00:38:09,939 --> 00:38:13,291 Old pussy dies. It dies. 926 00:38:13,334 --> 00:38:17,120 It's beat up its whole motherfucking life. 927 00:38:17,164 --> 00:38:19,122 Gravity don't give a fuck, nigga. 928 00:38:19,166 --> 00:38:21,473 It pulls on them lips. 929 00:38:21,516 --> 00:38:24,258 Them motherfuckers get long as fuck, nigga. 930 00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:28,349 It look like that extra bologna meat on the side of the bread. 931 00:38:28,393 --> 00:38:32,353 Don't nobody want no pussy they got to roll up to get. 932 00:38:32,397 --> 00:38:34,007 "Nigga, what you doing?" "I'm rolling this pussy up 933 00:38:34,050 --> 00:38:37,053 so I can hit it." 934 00:38:37,097 --> 00:38:38,838 [laughter] 935 00:38:38,881 --> 00:38:42,015 How many of y'all ever fuck your woman on they period? 936 00:38:42,058 --> 00:38:44,365 Oh, fuck y'all lying ass motherfuckers. 937 00:38:44,409 --> 00:38:48,717 Now y'all gonna be in the SLS bougie. 938 00:38:48,761 --> 00:38:50,937 You a lying motherfucker. Ain't no man gonna wait 939 00:38:50,980 --> 00:38:52,765 no goddamn week on no pussy. 940 00:38:52,808 --> 00:38:56,943 That's why every household got that old, raggedy towel. 941 00:38:56,986 --> 00:39:00,642 "Lay that towel down so we don'tfuck these sheets up." 942 00:39:00,686 --> 00:39:02,905 Nigga, that's the only time a little dick motherfucker 943 00:39:02,949 --> 00:39:05,038 probably feel like he did something. 944 00:39:05,081 --> 00:39:06,779 Nigga be like, "Blood everywhere, nigga. 945 00:39:06,822 --> 00:39:10,130 It's a crime scene! 946 00:39:10,173 --> 00:39:13,568 Get the forensics." 947 00:39:13,612 --> 00:39:15,396 Hell, yeah, nigga. I ain't saying I got 948 00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:17,355 the biggest dick on earth, 949 00:39:17,398 --> 00:39:21,054 but, nigga, I get return visits. 950 00:39:21,097 --> 00:39:23,317 Hell, yeah, nigga. If a bitch look for you 951 00:39:23,361 --> 00:39:25,363 and you ain't seen her in a long time, 952 00:39:25,406 --> 00:39:27,582 you did something the last time. 953 00:39:27,626 --> 00:39:30,455 If you don't get a return visit,you can't fuck. 954 00:39:30,498 --> 00:39:33,022 And women talk. If you got a little dick, 955 00:39:33,066 --> 00:39:35,155 your whole block know. 956 00:39:35,198 --> 00:39:36,983 Oh, women can't help they selves. 957 00:39:37,026 --> 00:39:38,811 Nigga, women be walking down the street, 958 00:39:38,854 --> 00:39:42,249 "Uh-huh, that nigga talked all that shit, Eddie. 959 00:39:42,292 --> 00:39:45,557 Showed up with his little brother's dick. 960 00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:47,994 [audience groans] 961 00:39:48,037 --> 00:39:50,431 The nigga whipped his dick out, I threw baby powder on it." 962 00:39:50,475 --> 00:39:52,433 [laughter] 963 00:39:52,477 --> 00:39:55,567 If I had a little dick, I would kill myself. 964 00:39:55,610 --> 00:39:58,221 Nah, God give me all this fucking talent and shit, nigga, 965 00:39:58,265 --> 00:40:00,702 and opportunity and no dick... 966 00:40:00,746 --> 00:40:03,226 just kill yourself. You know, a bitch show up, 967 00:40:03,270 --> 00:40:05,141 nigga, "Well, that's all you got?" 968 00:40:05,185 --> 00:40:08,928 I'd kill myself. Hell, motherfucking yeah. Shit. 969 00:40:08,971 --> 00:40:10,712 That's why I got ten kids. 970 00:40:10,756 --> 00:40:12,584 I be deep... 971 00:40:12,627 --> 00:40:15,978 up in 'em. I make the furniture move. 972 00:40:16,022 --> 00:40:19,199 [laughter] 973 00:40:19,242 --> 00:40:22,245 All up in the chest. 974 00:40:22,289 --> 00:40:25,466 Yeah, if you can't have kids it's 'cause your dick is small. 975 00:40:25,510 --> 00:40:29,078 You dropping the sperm off so far away from the egg 976 00:40:29,122 --> 00:40:31,646 they die before they ever get there. 977 00:40:31,690 --> 00:40:33,735 [laughter] 978 00:40:33,779 --> 00:40:36,259 "Goddamn, how deep is this bitch? 979 00:40:36,303 --> 00:40:39,785 We been swimming for, nigga, months! 980 00:40:39,828 --> 00:40:41,351 Some of 'em never get in there. 981 00:40:41,395 --> 00:40:43,702 Little dick motherfucker, Bust on the outside. 982 00:40:43,745 --> 00:40:46,922 They be swimming around her lips. 983 00:40:46,966 --> 00:40:48,968 I drop mine off right at the egg. 984 00:40:49,011 --> 00:40:50,230 They come out, "Thanks for the ride. 985 00:40:50,273 --> 00:40:53,842 Bitch, you pregnant." 986 00:40:53,886 --> 00:40:56,366 Hell, motherfucking, yeah, nigga. 987 00:40:56,410 --> 00:40:58,020 If y'all don't remember a motherfucking thing 988 00:40:58,064 --> 00:41:00,240 I said tonight, please remember this: 989 00:41:00,283 --> 00:41:01,894 You're born a winner. 990 00:41:01,937 --> 00:41:04,287 Everybody in this room is a winner. 991 00:41:04,331 --> 00:41:07,290 You understand me?When our father's busted a nut-- 992 00:41:07,334 --> 00:41:11,120 Every time we bust a nut, there's billions of sperm. 993 00:41:11,164 --> 00:41:13,732 Only one can make it to the egg. 994 00:41:13,775 --> 00:41:16,952 We all made it there first. Nigga, you born a winner. 995 00:41:16,996 --> 00:41:20,216 Stop letting the world teach your ass how to lose. 996 00:41:20,260 --> 00:41:22,392 -[cheers and applause] -When we got to that egg... 997 00:41:22,436 --> 00:41:25,308 Nigga, you bust that nut. Pow! "Nigga, I got this!" 998 00:41:25,352 --> 00:41:27,572 Nigga, you get in the egg. "Nigga, I'm in this bitch! 999 00:41:27,615 --> 00:41:30,705 I won, nigga! I'm comin'! Nigga, I'm comin'!" 1000 00:41:30,749 --> 00:41:34,404 The sperm that don't make it, "Man, that's fucked up! 1001 00:41:34,448 --> 00:41:36,363 Nigga, I been next to you for five years 1002 00:41:36,406 --> 00:41:38,408 in this nigga left nut, nigga! 1003 00:41:38,452 --> 00:41:41,890 Come on, let another nigga in. We could be twins." 1004 00:41:41,934 --> 00:41:44,066 "Too late, nigga. I'm already mutating." 1005 00:41:44,110 --> 00:41:46,547 [laughter] 1006 00:41:46,591 --> 00:41:48,462 "Pop, now what we gonna do?" 1007 00:41:48,506 --> 00:41:51,247 "This old, arrogant motherfuckerain't letting nobody else in. 1008 00:41:51,291 --> 00:41:53,380 Selfish ass nigga! 1009 00:41:53,423 --> 00:41:55,295 You ain't gonna be shit! You're gonna work at McDonalds 1010 00:41:55,338 --> 00:41:59,995 with a paper hat! Nigga, I had doctor in me!" 1011 00:42:00,039 --> 00:42:03,433 "Pop, what we gonna do?" "Junior... 1012 00:42:03,477 --> 00:42:06,480 this ain't gonna go good for us. 1013 00:42:06,524 --> 00:42:09,439 We gonna have to swim back the way we came. 1014 00:42:09,483 --> 00:42:13,400 We gonna end up in that bitch's panties. 1015 00:42:13,443 --> 00:42:15,576 Yeah, they gonna call us a 'discharge.' 1016 00:42:15,620 --> 00:42:18,536 [laughter] 1017 00:42:19,972 --> 00:42:22,452 [man] Shame! 1018 00:42:22,496 --> 00:42:25,455 Then we gonna dry out. It's gonna be a crunchy crotch. 1019 00:42:25,499 --> 00:42:28,633 [laughter, whoos] 1020 00:42:28,676 --> 00:42:31,287 That nigga gonna be looking for something in the dirty clothes 1021 00:42:31,331 --> 00:42:33,594 and happen to come across the crunchy crotch. 1022 00:42:33,638 --> 00:42:35,683 He gonna be intrigued. He gonna squeeze us. 1023 00:42:35,727 --> 00:42:37,946 We gonna flake off like snowflakes. 1024 00:42:37,990 --> 00:42:40,993 Now, that's if we're in a good, honest woman. 1025 00:42:41,036 --> 00:42:45,519 What if he bust a nut and weend up in a nasty, stanky bitch? 1026 00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:47,739 We swim back the way we came 1027 00:42:47,782 --> 00:42:50,176 and another nigga's eating the pussy. 1028 00:42:50,219 --> 00:42:53,962 -[audience groans]-We end up in this nigga throat! 1029 00:42:54,006 --> 00:42:56,138 I don't wanna be in no other nigga's throat. 1030 00:42:56,182 --> 00:42:59,272 I'll take the crunchy panties every day. 1031 00:42:59,315 --> 00:43:00,795 Hey, Junior, won't you do me a favor? 1032 00:43:00,839 --> 00:43:03,537 Swim up ahead and see if the coast is clear." 1033 00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:06,366 [laughter] 1034 00:43:06,409 --> 00:43:08,324 Nigga, hand! 1035 00:43:11,893 --> 00:43:14,417 What? Y'all thought y'allwas just gonna see comedy today? 1036 00:43:14,461 --> 00:43:16,898 Shit, I got magic in my show. 1037 00:43:16,942 --> 00:43:19,858 I got a magical nigga hand that show up with gifts. 1038 00:43:19,901 --> 00:43:22,861 Look at my white people in here,"I want a nigger hand." 1039 00:43:22,904 --> 00:43:26,168 Y'all used to have whole niggas.You fucked it up. 1040 00:43:27,692 --> 00:43:29,389 Aah, shit. 1041 00:43:29,432 --> 00:43:31,043 Yeah, you go on over there, motherfucker 1042 00:43:31,086 --> 00:43:32,958 and you replace him. 1043 00:43:33,001 --> 00:43:35,351 Y'all need to try this drink, too, nigga. 1044 00:43:35,395 --> 00:43:37,484 Ah, it's called the Eddie Griffin. 1045 00:43:37,527 --> 00:43:40,400 It's champagne mixed with a shot of Patrón. 1046 00:43:40,443 --> 00:43:42,663 Oh, I know y'all didn't think I be getting this fucked up 1047 00:43:42,707 --> 00:43:45,448 just on champagne. It's that Patrón 1048 00:43:45,492 --> 00:43:47,363 that don't leave you alone, get all up in your dome 1049 00:43:47,407 --> 00:43:50,192 -and make you miss your home. -[laughter] 1050 00:43:50,236 --> 00:43:52,499 That's why I be sippin' these bitches. 1051 00:43:52,542 --> 00:43:56,372 'Cause Patrón don't give a fuck.Patrón have your ass stuck. 1052 00:43:56,416 --> 00:43:58,810 Yeah, there's gonna be some hardnigga here talking shit. 1053 00:43:58,853 --> 00:44:01,595 "Nigga, give me 17 of whatever that little nigga had." 1054 00:44:01,639 --> 00:44:04,250 Y'all gonna see that nigga later at the club, nigga... 1055 00:44:04,293 --> 00:44:06,165 [laughter] 1056 00:44:06,208 --> 00:44:07,949 Patrón have your body talk to itself. 1057 00:44:07,993 --> 00:44:09,516 "Legs, how we doing?" 1058 00:44:09,559 --> 00:44:12,606 "I wouldn't take another step if I was you. 1059 00:44:12,650 --> 00:44:14,260 You gonna bust your motherfucking head. 1060 00:44:14,303 --> 00:44:16,131 That's why I locked up. I locked up, nigga." 1061 00:44:16,175 --> 00:44:18,351 "Hey, lungs!" "We need air." 1062 00:44:18,394 --> 00:44:20,353 "Eyes!" "I can't see!" 1063 00:44:20,396 --> 00:44:21,571 "Ears?" "Huh?" 1064 00:44:21,615 --> 00:44:22,747 "Ears!?" "Huh?!" 1065 00:44:22,790 --> 00:44:25,140 "Heart." "It's all over." 1066 00:44:25,184 --> 00:44:26,533 "Dick, how you doing?" 1067 00:44:26,576 --> 00:44:27,926 "I already pissed all over the shoes." 1068 00:44:27,969 --> 00:44:30,406 [laughter] 1069 00:44:30,450 --> 00:44:33,409 Hell, yeah. You ever been so fucked up... 1070 00:44:33,453 --> 00:44:36,499 [chuckles] you throw up in your own hat? 1071 00:44:36,543 --> 00:44:38,284 I had one of them days, nigga. 1072 00:44:38,327 --> 00:44:39,633 There was this shit-- Y'all remember the shit 1073 00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:41,591 -called Sherman? -[audience] Oh, yeah. 1074 00:44:41,635 --> 00:44:43,463 Yeah, we called 'em "Wet Daddies" back home, nigga. 1075 00:44:43,506 --> 00:44:46,466 So there's this partner of mine,nigga, uh, fucking June Bug. 1076 00:44:46,509 --> 00:44:48,294 He was the neighborhood dope fiend 1077 00:44:48,337 --> 00:44:51,471 and one night he came back, nigga, with a little joint. 1078 00:44:51,514 --> 00:44:52,820 You know, I smoke weed, but I didn't know 1079 00:44:52,864 --> 00:44:54,779 what the fuck that was. It stunk. 1080 00:44:54,822 --> 00:44:56,824 And I hit that motherfucker thinking it was regular weed. 1081 00:44:56,868 --> 00:44:59,827 I hit it. Hit it. Hit it. Hit it. 1082 00:44:59,871 --> 00:45:02,221 That Sherman make you heat up. 1083 00:45:02,264 --> 00:45:04,963 Nigga, I started taking everything off, nigga. 1084 00:45:05,006 --> 00:45:07,487 I'm running down the street asshole naked 1085 00:45:07,530 --> 00:45:10,533 with just my hat on. They said I jumped over-- 1086 00:45:10,577 --> 00:45:12,840 over to the I-70 freeway 1087 00:45:12,884 --> 00:45:15,756 and was pissing on cars coming by. 1088 00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:17,758 So they called my first wife, Carla. 1089 00:45:17,802 --> 00:45:20,369 "Carla, come and get Eddie. This nigga fucked up." 1090 00:45:20,413 --> 00:45:23,111 So, Carla pulled up. We had this Buick LeSabre. 1091 00:45:23,155 --> 00:45:24,809 She pulled up, "Nigga, what is wrong with you? 1092 00:45:24,852 --> 00:45:26,636 What did they give you?" "I don't know, baby, 1093 00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:30,075 but...I'm at work." She said, "Huh?" 1094 00:45:30,118 --> 00:45:33,643 I said, "I gotta wash the cars. I gotta wash the cars." 1095 00:45:33,687 --> 00:45:35,471 [laughter] 1096 00:45:35,515 --> 00:45:38,170 She said, "Get your ass in the goddamn car!" 1097 00:45:38,213 --> 00:45:41,651 I sat in the backseat 'cause I always wanted to be famous. 1098 00:45:41,695 --> 00:45:43,566 So I made her feel like a limo driver. 1099 00:45:43,610 --> 00:45:45,264 I got in the backseat, nigga. 1100 00:45:45,307 --> 00:45:47,135 Nigga, I'm back there fucked up. 1101 00:45:47,179 --> 00:45:50,095 Nigga, I don't know what it is when we high... 1102 00:45:50,138 --> 00:45:51,879 but, ladies, this is the only time we can tell y'all 1103 00:45:51,923 --> 00:45:53,707 how we really love you. 1104 00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:56,884 You know, when we sober you be like, "Baby, do you love me?" 1105 00:45:56,928 --> 00:45:58,494 "What the hell you talking about?" 1106 00:45:58,538 --> 00:46:00,496 "Baby, do you love me?" "Is there food 1107 00:46:00,540 --> 00:46:03,848 in the refrigerator? Is the lights on? 1108 00:46:03,891 --> 00:46:05,893 What the fuck you ask me stupid shit for?" 1109 00:46:05,937 --> 00:46:10,419 When we fucked up, "Baby... 1110 00:46:10,463 --> 00:46:13,509 -Baby...Baby..." -[laughter] 1111 00:46:13,553 --> 00:46:15,424 When y'all hear that, you already know 1112 00:46:15,468 --> 00:46:16,686 y'all getting ready to get y'all sensitive. 1113 00:46:16,730 --> 00:46:19,341 "Baby...Baby... 1114 00:46:19,385 --> 00:46:21,082 I love you, baby. 1115 00:46:21,126 --> 00:46:23,389 [shouts] I love you, baby! 1116 00:46:23,432 --> 00:46:26,131 I lo--I do--I-I love you. 1117 00:46:26,174 --> 00:46:28,524 I love you. You take care of me 1118 00:46:28,568 --> 00:46:32,180 when I don't take care of me. I love you, baby. 1119 00:46:32,224 --> 00:46:34,356 I love you. You got a big booty. 1120 00:46:34,400 --> 00:46:39,274 I married your booty, baby. ♪ I married your boot-tay " 1121 00:46:39,318 --> 00:46:42,843 [laughter] And I did, too, nigga. 1122 00:46:42,887 --> 00:46:47,761 [chuckles] I ain't never getting that fucked up again. 1123 00:46:47,805 --> 00:46:49,676 I threw up in my motherfucking hat, nigga. 1124 00:46:49,719 --> 00:46:52,200 Shit start bubbling. I was like, [retches] 1125 00:46:52,244 --> 00:46:54,550 and I put that motherfucker back on. 1126 00:46:54,594 --> 00:46:55,987 [laughter] 1127 00:46:56,030 --> 00:46:57,815 I woke up the next morning, nigga, 1128 00:46:57,858 --> 00:47:00,165 had all kind of corn and shit in the nigga's 'fro. 1129 00:47:00,208 --> 00:47:02,602 It took two days to get that shit out. 1130 00:47:02,645 --> 00:47:05,039 And you know what fucks me up? Every time you throw up, 1131 00:47:05,083 --> 00:47:07,346 why is there corn? 1132 00:47:07,389 --> 00:47:09,914 I ain't had corn since last fucking July. 1133 00:47:09,957 --> 00:47:12,830 Where the fuck the corn keep coming from? 1134 00:47:12,873 --> 00:47:15,223 You take a shit, there's corn! 1135 00:47:15,267 --> 00:47:16,964 It's like corn just hang out in your intestines 1136 00:47:17,008 --> 00:47:18,748 "I leave when I wanna leave." 1137 00:47:18,792 --> 00:47:21,534 [laughter] 1138 00:47:21,577 --> 00:47:23,057 Ladies, don't get it twisted, though, 1139 00:47:23,101 --> 00:47:24,667 we love you like a motherfucker. 1140 00:47:24,711 --> 00:47:27,366 Whoever wrote this statement was real honest, man. 1141 00:47:27,409 --> 00:47:30,151 "Can't live with you, can't live without you." 1142 00:47:30,195 --> 00:47:32,893 Living with you is a motherfucker. 1143 00:47:32,937 --> 00:47:35,287 Y'all motherfuckers will find a way to fuck up 1144 00:47:35,330 --> 00:47:37,898 a relationship when it's right at it's best. 1145 00:47:37,942 --> 00:47:39,769 You know what I mean? I don't know why y'all do it. 1146 00:47:39,813 --> 00:47:42,424 It's auto-pilot. "Things are too good. 1147 00:47:42,468 --> 00:47:45,340 -I must fuck it up." -[laughter] 1148 00:47:45,384 --> 00:47:47,125 You know what I'm saying? This is when you finally, like, 1149 00:47:47,168 --> 00:47:48,909 "Nigga, damn, I love my wife, man. 1150 00:47:48,953 --> 00:47:51,999 Look at my beautiful children. Look at this house, nigga. 1151 00:47:52,043 --> 00:47:55,002 We doing this shit." "[growling] 1152 00:47:55,046 --> 00:47:57,309 -[laughter] -We need to talk." 1153 00:47:57,352 --> 00:47:59,311 "About what?" 1154 00:47:59,354 --> 00:48:01,313 "See, that's what I'm talking about? 1155 00:48:01,356 --> 00:48:03,881 You don't even know what I wanna talk about." 1156 00:48:03,924 --> 00:48:06,492 Why do y'all play that fucking riddle me shit? 1157 00:48:06,535 --> 00:48:08,842 "Bitch, what the fuck you wanna say? 1158 00:48:08,886 --> 00:48:11,497 I ain't no goddamn psychic." 1159 00:48:11,540 --> 00:48:13,586 "You didn't notice I did my hair." 1160 00:48:13,629 --> 00:48:15,544 "Your hair?! This is what we talking about? 1161 00:48:15,588 --> 00:48:17,155 I didn't notice you did your motherfucking hair? 1162 00:48:17,198 --> 00:48:19,940 Ha ha! You did it! You like it? Ha ha! 1163 00:48:19,984 --> 00:48:21,637 [laughter] 1164 00:48:21,681 --> 00:48:23,770 You gonna fuck up thisrelationship with that bullshit? 1165 00:48:23,813 --> 00:48:25,511 All right, bitch, let's play this game. 1166 00:48:25,554 --> 00:48:29,471 You didn't notice I got a new grey hair on my left nut. 1167 00:48:29,515 --> 00:48:32,997 Now we both didn't notice some shit." 1168 00:48:33,040 --> 00:48:36,130 That's when they run out the room, "[crying]" 1169 00:48:36,174 --> 00:48:37,653 "Bitch, bye. The game on." 1170 00:48:37,697 --> 00:48:39,699 [laughter] 1171 00:48:39,742 --> 00:48:42,789 Ladies, we love you... 1172 00:48:42,832 --> 00:48:46,140 but we need your help, you understand me? 1173 00:48:46,184 --> 00:48:49,665 I think that we need a female president myself. 1174 00:48:49,709 --> 00:48:53,017 -[cheers and applause] -Real talk. 1175 00:48:53,060 --> 00:48:54,409 You know what I mean? 1176 00:48:54,453 --> 00:48:55,845 'Cause America's fucked up right now. 1177 00:48:55,889 --> 00:48:57,369 You know, motherfuckers talking about, 1178 00:48:57,412 --> 00:48:58,848 "America's the greatest country on earth." 1179 00:48:58,892 --> 00:49:02,940 No, we not. We steal kids from they parents 1180 00:49:02,983 --> 00:49:05,986 down in our motherfucking borderin the south, nigga. 1181 00:49:06,030 --> 00:49:08,119 We kidnap motherfucking kids. 1182 00:49:08,162 --> 00:49:09,947 That ain't nothing to be proud of. 1183 00:49:09,990 --> 00:49:12,471 This nation ain't great. It's like being an alcoholic. 1184 00:49:12,514 --> 00:49:15,604 You can't cure yourself till you admit you fucked up. 1185 00:49:15,648 --> 00:49:17,693 Long as we keep running around lying to ourselves, 1186 00:49:17,737 --> 00:49:19,086 "America's the greatest country on earth." 1187 00:49:19,130 --> 00:49:21,045 No, motherfucker, we fucked up 1188 00:49:21,088 --> 00:49:24,352 and we gotta fix this shit. It needs a mother in spirit. 1189 00:49:24,396 --> 00:49:27,181 'Cause men, we got testosterone.All we gonna do is, 1190 00:49:27,225 --> 00:49:30,402 "Look how big my dick is. Blow the bitch up. Ha ha!" 1191 00:49:30,445 --> 00:49:33,100 We need a female up in there to caress this nation. 1192 00:49:33,144 --> 00:49:34,841 Nigga, and raise this motherfucker up 1193 00:49:34,884 --> 00:49:37,800 -and turn it back into a family.-[cheers and applause] 1194 00:49:39,367 --> 00:49:42,675 But once a goddamn month we gonna have to take 1195 00:49:42,718 --> 00:49:45,417 -the missile codes from her. -[laughter] 1196 00:49:45,460 --> 00:49:48,768 Yeah, that PMS shit? That bitch get the codes, 1197 00:49:48,811 --> 00:49:52,902 -"Blow up everybody!" -[laughter] 1198 00:49:52,946 --> 00:49:55,470 'Cause, women, y'all bad motherfuckers. 1199 00:49:55,514 --> 00:49:58,169 Y'all can work while you're on your period, 1200 00:49:58,212 --> 00:49:59,518 you understand me? 1201 00:49:59,561 --> 00:50:01,041 You're on your period for a week, 1202 00:50:01,085 --> 00:50:02,738 you don't die, you got the string hanging, 1203 00:50:02,782 --> 00:50:05,480 and still go to work. "Going to work." 1204 00:50:05,524 --> 00:50:08,048 That's because men are in charge, 1205 00:50:08,092 --> 00:50:09,571 you understand me? I believe every woman 1206 00:50:09,615 --> 00:50:11,530 should get that week off when they on their period. 1207 00:50:11,573 --> 00:50:14,533 -[women cheering] -With pay, nigga! 1208 00:50:14,576 --> 00:50:16,056 You understand me? 'Cause you don't want 1209 00:50:16,100 --> 00:50:17,840 that bitch at the job anyway. 1210 00:50:17,884 --> 00:50:19,581 That bitch coming to work, "What y'all lookin' at?! 1211 00:50:19,625 --> 00:50:21,801 What the fuck on your mind?" "Baby, just go on home. 1212 00:50:21,844 --> 00:50:23,846 Just go home." 1213 00:50:23,890 --> 00:50:25,283 That's why it's called PMS, nigga. 1214 00:50:25,326 --> 00:50:27,241 Pain, misery, and shit. 1215 00:50:27,285 --> 00:50:30,897 [laughter] 1216 00:50:30,940 --> 00:50:33,508 Nigga, if men had periods... watch how quick 1217 00:50:33,552 --> 00:50:37,382 that law would pass. If we had periods, nigga... 1218 00:50:37,425 --> 00:50:41,255 'cause we got testosterone. It'd be a whole different trip. 1219 00:50:41,299 --> 00:50:44,563 Nigga be walking around, "I'm on my period, nigga!" 1220 00:50:44,606 --> 00:50:46,130 "What's wrong with you?!" "Nigga, I got blood 1221 00:50:46,173 --> 00:50:48,045 comin' out my dick, nigga! 1222 00:50:48,088 --> 00:50:50,786 I gotta wear this cotton sleeve with a twisty tie. 1223 00:50:50,830 --> 00:50:53,006 [laughter] 1224 00:50:53,050 --> 00:50:54,747 I'm on my period, nigga!" 1225 00:50:54,790 --> 00:50:56,531 And, nigga, it'd be a period walk, nigga. 1226 00:50:56,575 --> 00:50:57,793 Women would know. "That nigga on his period. 1227 00:50:57,837 --> 00:50:59,795 Look at the walk." 1228 00:50:59,839 --> 00:51:01,275 [laughter] 1229 00:51:01,319 --> 00:51:03,147 Everybody be sounding like Bernie Mac. 1230 00:51:03,190 --> 00:51:05,410 [as Bernie Mac] "What the fuck you looking at, motherfucker? 1231 00:51:05,453 --> 00:51:07,847 You motherfucking ass, looking at a nigga. 1232 00:51:07,890 --> 00:51:11,633 I'm on my motherfucking period! I'm on my fucking period!" 1233 00:51:11,677 --> 00:51:14,636 [laughter] 1234 00:51:16,856 --> 00:51:19,076 [normal voice] Hell motherfucking yeah, nigga. 1235 00:51:19,119 --> 00:51:21,339 Shit. Y'all some bad mot-- 1236 00:51:21,382 --> 00:51:22,862 And, ladies, y'all know when y'all on your period, 1237 00:51:22,905 --> 00:51:24,298 y'all still go to a club. 1238 00:51:24,342 --> 00:51:25,691 Then they'll meet in the bathroom. 1239 00:51:25,734 --> 00:51:29,477 "Girl, you got a tampon? I ran out." 1240 00:51:29,521 --> 00:51:30,957 You know, bitches share shit like that. 1241 00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:33,829 "Here you go, girl." One size fit all. 1242 00:51:33,873 --> 00:51:36,310 Nigga, if we had periods, nigga be in the bathroom, 1243 00:51:36,354 --> 00:51:37,833 "Hey, my nigga... 1244 00:51:37,877 --> 00:51:41,359 you got an extra sleeve on you?""Here you go." 1245 00:51:41,402 --> 00:51:43,361 "Nigga, what am I gonna do with this little, bitty shit? 1246 00:51:43,404 --> 00:51:46,146 I need the jumbos, nigga! 1247 00:51:46,190 --> 00:51:47,626 Nigga, I'm wearing white. I gotta go. 1248 00:51:47,669 --> 00:51:49,628 This shit about to show, nigga. 1249 00:51:52,065 --> 00:51:55,808 I went back home to Kansas City a few weeks ago. 1250 00:51:55,851 --> 00:51:59,855 My Uncle James has got fourth-stage cancer. 1251 00:51:59,899 --> 00:52:02,597 So he called me up, nigga, and, um... 1252 00:52:02,641 --> 00:52:04,860 he said, "Eddie, um... 1253 00:52:04,904 --> 00:52:07,428 they told me, you know, I don't know how much, uh, 1254 00:52:07,472 --> 00:52:09,343 time I got left and, um... 1255 00:52:09,387 --> 00:52:11,867 you my favorite nephew. I want you to come back, 1256 00:52:11,911 --> 00:52:14,870 you know, I wanna be able to tell all those-- 1257 00:52:14,914 --> 00:52:18,570 not everybody in the family, just the ones I love, 1258 00:52:18,613 --> 00:52:20,746 I just wanna be able to tell all of y'all to... 1259 00:52:20,789 --> 00:52:24,097 kiss my black ass one last time." 1260 00:52:24,141 --> 00:52:27,927 I said, "Unc, I'd be honored to come back and let you 1261 00:52:27,970 --> 00:52:30,886 tell me to kiss your black ass one last time." 1262 00:52:30,930 --> 00:52:33,498 So, nigga, I gathered up the cousins and family 1263 00:52:33,541 --> 00:52:35,674 from L.A. and out here in Vegas, nigga. 1264 00:52:35,717 --> 00:52:38,764 We flew back home. We at James' house, nigga. 1265 00:52:38,807 --> 00:52:42,985 James had a table set up withevery liquor you could think of, 1266 00:52:43,029 --> 00:52:45,031 weed, all kind of shit. I said, "Nigga..." 1267 00:52:45,074 --> 00:52:46,380 He said, "You ain't gotta bring shit. 1268 00:52:46,424 --> 00:52:48,034 Shit, I'm dying. I sold the house. 1269 00:52:48,077 --> 00:52:50,906 Nigga, we gonna drink up the crib tonight! 1270 00:52:50,950 --> 00:52:53,866 So, nigga, we sitting there getting drunk and shit 1271 00:52:53,909 --> 00:52:57,174 and, nigga, look, those who've been fans 1272 00:52:57,217 --> 00:52:59,393 of mine for a while remember Dysfunktional Family. 1273 00:52:59,437 --> 00:53:02,004 Y'all have met my uncles, Curtis, James, Bucky, 1274 00:53:02,048 --> 00:53:03,919 and my mama, right? 1275 00:53:03,963 --> 00:53:07,227 So, nigga, they all sitting around--Now our generation 1276 00:53:07,271 --> 00:53:10,448 listening to these niggas talk...nigga. 1277 00:53:10,491 --> 00:53:13,277 They was sitting there with one of 'ems wives talking about 1278 00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:15,888 -"Yeah, we all fucked her. -[audience exclaims] 1279 00:53:15,931 --> 00:53:17,542 I think James was the first one to fuck her. 1280 00:53:17,585 --> 00:53:19,587 Was it you, James? No, it was Bucky, nigga. 1281 00:53:19,631 --> 00:53:22,242 Bucky got her first and then, uh, Curtis hit it." 1282 00:53:22,286 --> 00:53:24,592 And she right there saying, "Yup, yup, uh... 1283 00:53:24,636 --> 00:53:27,421 it was you, James. I fucked you first. 1284 00:53:27,465 --> 00:53:30,337 Uh, Bucky little motherfucking ass dancing nigga. 1285 00:53:30,381 --> 00:53:32,165 I had to give him some pussy. 1286 00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:35,516 And I gave, uh--uh, Curtis some.Big old horse-dick nigga. 1287 00:53:35,560 --> 00:53:39,390 I didn't go back there no more, but I stayed with you, James, 1288 00:53:39,433 --> 00:53:40,739 'cause you had the right stroke." 1289 00:53:40,782 --> 00:53:42,436 Nigga, me and my brother and my cousin 1290 00:53:42,480 --> 00:53:44,960 was sitting there, "Nigga... 1291 00:53:45,004 --> 00:53:47,398 we ain't gonna have no stories to match this shit 1292 00:53:47,441 --> 00:53:50,096 with our little youngins when we the old motherfuckers 1293 00:53:50,139 --> 00:53:51,706 sitting around playing bid whist. 1294 00:53:51,750 --> 00:53:53,795 Hey, baby bro!" "Yeah, Eddie?" 1295 00:53:53,839 --> 00:53:56,755 "Shit, remember that time I didn't fuck your wife? 1296 00:53:56,798 --> 00:53:59,540 You remember that time you didn't fuck none of mine?" 1297 00:53:59,584 --> 00:54:02,369 -Boring ass shit. -[laughter] 1298 00:54:02,413 --> 00:54:04,284 But he had a good time, nigga. 1299 00:54:04,328 --> 00:54:06,939 He was sitting there. He got fucked up and drunk. 1300 00:54:06,982 --> 00:54:08,984 And then the nigga went to the hospital 1301 00:54:09,028 --> 00:54:12,161 and they told him he's got at least 17 more years. 1302 00:54:12,205 --> 00:54:15,121 [laughter] 1303 00:54:16,644 --> 00:54:18,516 This nigga done drunk the house up. 1304 00:54:18,559 --> 00:54:19,995 [laughter] 1305 00:54:20,039 --> 00:54:22,302 This nigga gonna be homeless for 17 years. 1306 00:54:22,346 --> 00:54:24,043 [laughter] 1307 00:54:24,086 --> 00:54:25,566 I ain't gonna let the nigga go homeless. 1308 00:54:25,610 --> 00:54:27,568 Shit, I bought the nigga house back. 1309 00:54:29,831 --> 00:54:31,006 Hell, motherfucking, yeah, nigga. 1310 00:54:31,050 --> 00:54:32,791 I love him to death. Shit. 1311 00:54:32,834 --> 00:54:35,446 Hell, yeah. I didn't have no father, nigga. 1312 00:54:35,489 --> 00:54:37,056 Them was my three father-figures, 1313 00:54:37,099 --> 00:54:40,059 -you know what I mean? -[applause] 1314 00:54:41,713 --> 00:54:43,889 Them motherfuckers like, "Ed, you such a great dad 1315 00:54:43,932 --> 00:54:45,412 with your kids, nigga. You didn't have a father." 1316 00:54:45,456 --> 00:54:47,022 I said, "Nigga, I made a promise. 1317 00:54:47,066 --> 00:54:48,850 I'm gonna be the father that I always wanted. 1318 00:54:48,894 --> 00:54:50,983 -[woman] I know that's right! -It's easy to do, shit. 1319 00:54:51,026 --> 00:54:52,289 -[applause] -As a kid you know 1320 00:54:52,332 --> 00:54:53,812 what you want a father to do. 1321 00:54:53,855 --> 00:54:55,509 Well, nigga, that's what I'm doing for mine. 1322 00:54:55,553 --> 00:54:56,858 -[woman] That's right. -You know what I mean? Shit. 1323 00:54:56,902 --> 00:54:58,338 "We gonna go play catch, nigga? 1324 00:54:58,382 --> 00:54:59,861 All right, nigga, let's knuckle up, nigga. 1325 00:54:59,905 --> 00:55:02,473 Tighten that jab up. Twist it, nigga. Twist it. 1326 00:55:02,516 --> 00:55:04,910 You know what I mean? Drop that hook on 'em, nigga." 1327 00:55:04,953 --> 00:55:06,999 You know, just basic shit. 1328 00:55:07,042 --> 00:55:08,566 "Take the trash out, little fucker." 1329 00:55:08,609 --> 00:55:11,569 [laughter] 1330 00:55:11,612 --> 00:55:13,484 Hell, yeah, nigga. 1331 00:55:13,527 --> 00:55:15,790 Daughters are so hard to raise, nigga. 1332 00:55:15,834 --> 00:55:17,923 -Shit. -[man] Little terrorists! 1333 00:55:17,966 --> 00:55:19,968 Yeah, they terrorists, nigga, and they hustlers. 1334 00:55:20,012 --> 00:55:21,970 You give your son a football, he'll play with that 1335 00:55:22,014 --> 00:55:23,624 same football till he make it to the pros 1336 00:55:23,668 --> 00:55:25,104 making money playing football. 1337 00:55:25,147 --> 00:55:26,801 You buy your daughter a Barbie doll, 1338 00:55:26,845 --> 00:55:29,238 now it needs a Ken doll. Now they need friends. 1339 00:55:29,282 --> 00:55:31,066 Now they need an apartment. Now they need a car. 1340 00:55:31,110 --> 00:55:32,981 Now they need some fucking clothes and shit. 1341 00:55:33,025 --> 00:55:36,594 This shit go on for 18 years. They'll break your ass. 1342 00:55:36,637 --> 00:55:38,378 Why do you think a father is so happy 1343 00:55:38,422 --> 00:55:40,511 to give his daughter away at a wedding? 1344 00:55:40,554 --> 00:55:43,035 "Uh, nigga, it's your problem now. 1345 00:55:43,078 --> 00:55:46,560 I hope you got a good job. That little bitch broke me. 1346 00:55:46,604 --> 00:55:48,519 [laughter] 1347 00:55:48,562 --> 00:55:51,173 And God made sure they can't come back. 1348 00:55:51,217 --> 00:55:52,479 'Cause you-- When you get married, 1349 00:55:52,523 --> 00:55:54,655 your last name change. 1350 00:55:54,699 --> 00:55:56,440 She try to come back, "Daddy... 1351 00:55:56,483 --> 00:55:58,703 just wondering if you could help us on the light bill. 1352 00:55:58,746 --> 00:56:00,618 He just lost his job." 1353 00:56:00,661 --> 00:56:03,272 "I told you nigga wasn't shit when brought him by the house, 1354 00:56:03,316 --> 00:56:05,710 but, no,you was so in love. 1355 00:56:05,753 --> 00:56:08,756 Let's see if love turn them lights back on. 1356 00:56:08,800 --> 00:56:11,280 I only take care of Griffins, you a Williams now. 1357 00:56:11,324 --> 00:56:14,762 [laughter] 1358 00:56:14,806 --> 00:56:16,416 All right, let me get outta here, y'all. 1359 00:56:16,460 --> 00:56:17,939 I gotta go 'cause I got another show 1360 00:56:17,983 --> 00:56:19,941 in September... 1361 00:56:19,985 --> 00:56:23,423 [delayed laughter] 1362 00:56:23,467 --> 00:56:25,599 It take a minute to get ready for this shit. 1363 00:56:25,643 --> 00:56:28,428 [laughter] 1364 00:56:28,472 --> 00:56:30,909 Look it, here, y'all. Y'all been wonderful. 1365 00:56:30,952 --> 00:56:34,478 I'm E.G. G.C. God's child. 1366 00:56:34,521 --> 00:56:37,045 One time for your mind and never let a hater 1367 00:56:37,089 --> 00:56:40,179 rent a motherfucking moment of time in your mind. 1368 00:56:40,222 --> 00:56:42,442 Take the Lord with you. 1369 00:56:42,486 --> 00:56:45,445 [cheers and applause] 1370 00:56:45,489 --> 00:56:48,448 [funk music playing] 1371 00:56:48,492 --> 00:56:53,410 ♪ 1372 00:57:01,505 --> 00:57:03,463 ♪ Impossible 1373 00:57:03,507 --> 00:57:08,033 ♪ 1374 00:57:08,076 --> 00:57:11,471 ♪ They all like to beat us down ♪ 1375 00:57:11,515 --> 00:57:13,473 ♪ 1376 00:57:13,517 --> 00:57:18,478 ♪ They all like to see us proud ♪ 1377 00:57:18,522 --> 00:57:20,741 ♪ They all like to 1378 00:57:20,785 --> 00:57:23,918 ♪ Stand in line today 1379 00:57:23,962 --> 00:57:28,096 ♪ But it'll never happen no way, no way ♪ 1380 00:57:28,140 --> 00:57:30,708 ♪ They all like to 1381 00:57:30,751 --> 00:57:33,362 ♪ Sit and stare 1382 00:57:33,406 --> 00:57:36,278 ♪ They all like to come and-- ♪ 1383 00:57:36,322 --> 00:57:39,238 [microphone droans] 1384 00:57:39,281 --> 00:57:42,197 [bright tone]