1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:10,097 [Cross] And you gotta do it, it really makes them... 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:10,184 --> 00:00:13,622 really bothers them, really bothers them. 5 00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:19,062 [laughs] Just maybe, add the clapping to it..."Whee!" 6 00:00:19,149 --> 00:00:21,369 And-- and also, yeah, they have them in D.C., 7 00:00:21,456 --> 00:00:23,762 which I just did like last week. 8 00:00:23,849 --> 00:00:26,896 And it did the same thing there. And when I was in D.C., 9 00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:29,507 and if you ever get a chance to go, it's... 10 00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:32,423 The city itself is not-- I mean, every-- 11 00:00:32,510 --> 00:00:34,382 One thing that's cool about D.C. is like 12 00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:36,340 only good things come from there, 13 00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:39,213 and there's just decent people ev-- wherever you walk. 14 00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:43,086 And... but the museums are amazing. 15 00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:45,045 Uh, they-- they truly are. 16 00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:47,351 But the first thing I always do when I get to D.C., 17 00:00:47,438 --> 00:00:50,267 and I did it this time as well, is I always go 18 00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:54,141 and pay my respects to the Tomb of the Unknown Lobbyist. 19 00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:57,405 And, uh... it's great. 20 00:00:57,492 --> 00:00:59,450 And except they have this weird rule, 21 00:00:59,537 --> 00:01:03,889 when you go into the room, you have to take your shoes off 22 00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:05,630 before you enter, which is weird. 23 00:01:05,717 --> 00:01:07,719 You don't have to do that anywhere else. 24 00:01:07,806 --> 00:01:10,505 And I asked the guy, "Why do I have to take my shoes off 25 00:01:10,592 --> 00:01:12,594 to come in here?" And he said, 26 00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:16,467 "Um, oh, you have to be soulless to enter." 27 00:01:16,554 --> 00:01:18,948 And... 28 00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:21,124 And just so you know, this is not my set. 29 00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:23,039 I'm just dicking around, I'm saying hi. 30 00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:25,172 This is-- I don't want anybody to get, you know, 31 00:01:25,259 --> 00:01:27,043 like, what, is it just this for a while? Yeah. I'm just... 32 00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,132 No, the set's coming up, it's fucking awesome. 33 00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:31,613 It's 100 percent fresh, Rotten Tomatoes, 34 00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:33,354 you're gonna love it, 35 00:01:33,441 --> 00:01:35,225 everybody's gonna be having a great time. 36 00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:36,922 It's great, I'm just warming up, so, you know, 37 00:01:37,009 --> 00:01:38,141 you get to know me, I get to know you, 38 00:01:38,228 --> 00:01:41,275 that kind of thing and... 39 00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:46,018 But before I do get into the actual set, 40 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,805 I do first want to... 41 00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:53,243 address the tragic events that occurred 42 00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:57,334 just to address them, acknowledge them, whatever. 43 00:01:57,421 --> 00:02:00,598 Uh, there's nothing, obviously nothing funny about it, 44 00:02:00,685 --> 00:02:03,949 the terrorist bombings were awful, 45 00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:06,865 and... 46 00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:09,781 The terrorist bombings that took place 47 00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:14,003 at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics were awful. 48 00:02:14,090 --> 00:02:16,484 The loss of life was staggering. 49 00:02:16,571 --> 00:02:19,095 And... and they were terrible. 50 00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:22,968 But I believe you have to find a silver lining in everything. 51 00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:25,667 And as awful as they were, 52 00:02:25,754 --> 00:02:29,540 I do think that the... 53 00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:34,763 2024 U.S. Paralympic team should have a very strong showing. 54 00:02:46,775 --> 00:02:48,559 Too soon? 55 00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:53,695 Too soon. It's just... it's too soon. 56 00:02:56,393 --> 00:03:00,049 So I was on the... I was on the internet the other day, 57 00:03:00,136 --> 00:03:03,052 just dicking around, whatever, and I saw this story 58 00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:07,622 that said AIDS was started by a monkey. 59 00:03:07,709 --> 00:03:11,016 And I hope it wasn't Michael Nesmith, you know? 60 00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:12,714 'Cause he's really the most talented one. 61 00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,455 He wrote all the songs. When we think fondly 62 00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:17,849 of The Monkees' catalogue, it's... 63 00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,725 Hm... 64 00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:26,641 Too late? 65 00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:29,209 Yeah. 66 00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:32,342 First joke was too soon, second one was too late. 67 00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:34,214 Right. 68 00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:36,955 So I think I speak for everyone in this room here tonight 69 00:03:37,042 --> 00:03:42,657 when I say that I recently had a baby. And... 70 00:03:44,485 --> 00:03:46,922 No, and you're right not to applaud. 71 00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:49,098 You are, you are right not to applaud. 72 00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:51,361 I'm not being facetious. It's... 73 00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,189 I don't know why people applaud that. 74 00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:55,496 It happens roughly half of the shows, people applaud. 75 00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:57,585 And it always bothered me. Even before I had a kid, 76 00:03:57,672 --> 00:03:59,282 that just, you know... 77 00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:02,807 Uh, "Yeah, so I had a kid." "Yay!" There's... 78 00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:06,289 I haven't-- I haven't done anything applause-worthy yet. 79 00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:08,770 You know what I'm saying? I mean, you know, I barely 80 00:04:08,857 --> 00:04:12,121 had anything to do with it in the first place. 81 00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:15,167 -My wife... -[audience] Whoo! 82 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,953 -[applause] -...had an affair. 83 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:22,392 [laughter] 84 00:04:30,226 --> 00:04:32,924 I mean, look, come back and find me in 18 years. 85 00:04:33,011 --> 00:04:36,624 And if I've produced a decent, kind, ethical, moral, 86 00:04:36,711 --> 00:04:39,583 charitable, contributing member to society, 87 00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,064 then I will gladly accept your applause, but, 88 00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:44,632 you know, I... you know, 89 00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:47,678 it's a little early to tell is what I'm... 90 00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:50,855 I mean, she could turn out to be a cunt. You know? 91 00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:52,944 She could, it happens all the time. 92 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,903 Fucking happens all the time, and you know it. 93 00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:57,862 You know well-intended, well-meaning parents 94 00:04:57,949 --> 00:05:01,866 do the right thing, and yet they raise asshole fucking children. 95 00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:03,477 Their children are fucking shitty pieces 96 00:05:03,564 --> 00:05:05,914 of shitty asshole shit. And... 97 00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,308 And it happens, you know? It happens. 98 00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:11,049 And, I mean, obviously my wife and I are, you know, 99 00:05:11,136 --> 00:05:14,488 we're not going to intentionally raise a TSA agent. 100 00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:17,360 But, you know, it... 101 00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:19,667 We could put in all the work, and she still ends up 102 00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:22,670 being like kinda... half Ann Coulter, 103 00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:25,194 half girl who killed her friend 'cause of Slender Man. 104 00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:27,109 You know, you don't know. 105 00:05:27,196 --> 00:05:29,067 You don't know. 106 00:05:29,154 --> 00:05:32,027 You can throw as many future feminist onesies on an infant, 107 00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:33,942 doesn't mean shit. 108 00:05:34,029 --> 00:05:36,205 She doesn't know what it means, it doesn't work through osmosis. 109 00:05:36,292 --> 00:05:37,859 You know? 110 00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:41,036 When I was growing up, my dad had a coffee mug 111 00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:43,647 that said "World's Greatest Dad" on it. 112 00:05:43,734 --> 00:05:48,130 And he was a lying asshole piece of shit. 113 00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:50,088 He was a piece of shit. So what I'm saying is 114 00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:53,004 those onesies and mugs are just lying straight to your face. 115 00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:55,006 They don't care. You know. 116 00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:59,010 I blame the Chinese, really. Uh... 117 00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:02,492 But, you know, I am a first-time father. 118 00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:05,669 Longtime listener. And... 119 00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:09,412 And just to allay any fears, I'm... 120 00:06:09,499 --> 00:06:12,589 I'm not gonna do an hour of dad jokes. All right? 121 00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:14,156 Not... just sometimes people... 122 00:06:14,243 --> 00:06:16,071 -Yes, exactly. -[scattered cheering] 123 00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:19,074 You can feel the tension in the room right about that point 124 00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:21,555 where, like, "Wait, he's not gonna talk about having a kid 125 00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:24,514 for an hour, is he?" You know... And... 126 00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:25,907 I'm not going to do that to you. 127 00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:27,778 One, it's boring. 128 00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:29,954 And two, it would make me quite a hypocrite, you know, 129 00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:33,784 based on a lot of the material I've done in the past, so... 130 00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:36,483 But you know it has been my world for the last year. 131 00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:39,573 I mean, that's... it's a wholly unique experience to me. 132 00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:41,313 So of course I've made some observations 133 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,664 and thought of some funny things and I'll share those 134 00:06:43,751 --> 00:06:45,927 and hopefully you won't have to have had a kid 135 00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:48,277 to get them and appreciate the jokes. 136 00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:50,279 And I'm certainly not gonna tell you, you know, 137 00:06:50,366 --> 00:06:53,195 how amazing she is or anything like that. 138 00:06:53,282 --> 00:06:56,938 But she is precocious, I will say that. She is... 139 00:06:57,025 --> 00:07:00,811 She is precocious. She's... she's 54 weeks old. 140 00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,944 Uh... 141 00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:08,471 But if you see her, you'd be like, 142 00:07:08,558 --> 00:07:10,778 "How old-- what is she, 62 weeks old?" 143 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,867 Like, "No, actually, no. She's actually-- I know. 144 00:07:12,954 --> 00:07:14,564 Thank you, though, thank you. 145 00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:17,437 I know. She's very mature for her age. You don't-- 146 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:20,265 Yes, you know, she carries herself with a... 147 00:07:20,352 --> 00:07:23,007 Or I carry her, but, you know, she exudes a kind of maturity 148 00:07:23,094 --> 00:07:24,966 you don't often associate with a 54-week..." 149 00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:27,664 But, you know, it is a fascinating thing 150 00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:29,144 to be a part of, 151 00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,667 to watch the evolution of this thing. 152 00:07:30,754 --> 00:07:32,234 'Cause when they're born, there's nothing. 153 00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:33,975 There's no communication, it's nothing. 154 00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:36,673 It's a blob, it's not, you know, but then over time, 155 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,285 you know, it starts to evolve, it starts to become a person 156 00:07:40,372 --> 00:07:43,071 and personality traits start to exhibit themselves. 157 00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:46,770 And it's really fascinating, and I'm really looking forward 158 00:07:46,857 --> 00:07:49,817 to that... that big shift, you know, that happens, 159 00:07:49,904 --> 00:07:53,690 that big change where you finally start to love them. 160 00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:56,432 And that's... 161 00:07:56,519 --> 00:07:59,391 [laughs] Hurry up with that part, please. 162 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:03,570 When is it gonna be worth it in any way, shape or form? 163 00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:06,268 Please? 164 00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:09,053 But I am excited to meet her. I think that's gonna be cool. 165 00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:11,752 I'm looking forward to that. That's gonna be cool. 166 00:08:11,839 --> 00:08:14,363 I'm doing that thing, it's a very Brooklyn thing, 167 00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:17,105 where you don't meet your kid for the first seven years. 168 00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:20,543 You know? You keep them pure, you keep them away, 169 00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:22,458 so she's in a yurt in a bubble underwater 170 00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:23,938 and will be there for seven years. 171 00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:26,593 And then this way, I can't taint her 172 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,290 with any of my straight, white, 173 00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:31,772 hetero, cis, normative maleness things. 174 00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:35,210 And I've also decided that I'm not gonna teach her 175 00:08:35,297 --> 00:08:38,256 to use pronouns when referring to people. Yes. 176 00:08:38,343 --> 00:08:41,912 No "he's" or "she's." But everybody will be "they." 177 00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:46,395 You know? And not necessarily so that she'll be progressive 178 00:08:46,482 --> 00:08:48,789 about sexual and gender identity. 179 00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:52,227 But so that she'll fail English. So... 180 00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:56,405 Oh, she said her first word the other day. 181 00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:58,755 That's pretty cool. That's a milestone that, 182 00:08:58,842 --> 00:09:00,888 you know, you can't help but be proud of. 183 00:09:00,975 --> 00:09:06,284 She said "Pyongyang." Which is... pretty cool. 184 00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:08,722 Up on current events. 185 00:09:08,809 --> 00:09:10,680 No, she doesn't talk, but she does that kind of 186 00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:14,510 monosyllabic noises, you know, a lot of just sort of like, 187 00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:20,124 "Pa, pa! Ta, ta! Ca! Sha! Fa! Ca, ca!" 188 00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:23,084 You know, that kind of thing, which is really kind of cute 189 00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:25,739 and endearing most of the time. 190 00:09:25,826 --> 00:09:29,090 But really quite the opposite early in the morning 191 00:09:29,177 --> 00:09:31,266 when, you know, she first wakes up 192 00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:33,224 and it's like 6:30 in the morning 193 00:09:33,311 --> 00:09:35,705 and I'm completely out of it and I gotta change her diaper 194 00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,926 and then I gotta go downstairs and, you know, 195 00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:41,102 get the mug out of the thing and fill it with water 196 00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:42,756 and put it in the microwave and get the thing... 197 00:09:42,843 --> 00:09:45,019 You know, 'cause I'm holding her with my left arm 198 00:09:45,106 --> 00:09:48,457 and her mouth is right here, it's literally right here. 199 00:09:48,544 --> 00:09:50,894 It's... her mouth is right here and I'm doing all this stuff 200 00:09:50,981 --> 00:09:53,549 and, you know, getting the milk ready 201 00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:55,638 and getting my dog's medicine and food together, 202 00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:57,858 doing all this stuff and it's... and it's dark 203 00:09:57,945 --> 00:10:01,862 and it's, again, I'm just groggy and out of it, you know... 204 00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:03,777 And I'm doing this by myself. I'm there by myself 205 00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:07,476 because my wife is off in, you know, LA or San Francisco 206 00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:09,043 or Chicago or somewhere, 207 00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:10,653 you know, smashing the patriarchy. And... 208 00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:13,134 [cheering] 209 00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:15,876 And the irony is not lost on me. It's not lost 210 00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:18,139 on what is currently taking place. 211 00:10:18,226 --> 00:10:20,402 And anyway, so I'm getting all that stuff together, 212 00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:22,012 and as I said, it's dark, 213 00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:23,710 and the whole time I'm doing that, 214 00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:25,886 she's sitting there in my ear just going, 215 00:10:25,973 --> 00:10:29,280 "Ba, ba... Ta, ta... 216 00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:30,891 Sa, sa..." 217 00:10:30,978 --> 00:10:33,328 And it's like I've got my own personalized 218 00:10:33,415 --> 00:10:35,939 '80s horror movie soundtrack playing. 219 00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:37,985 Like, "Stop it! Stop it. That's... 220 00:10:38,072 --> 00:10:39,769 Don't do that! You're creeping me out. 221 00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:42,424 Stop it! I'm serious." And I've gotta put her down. 222 00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:44,208 I've gotta put her down. I can't put her on the floor, 223 00:10:44,295 --> 00:10:46,471 so, you know, I undo the oven door and set her on that. 224 00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:50,258 And, um... it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. 225 00:10:50,345 --> 00:10:52,826 You know. If nothing else, it allows her to get 226 00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:56,046 a little closer to the history of her peoples, you know. And... 227 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:59,528 [audience laughing, groaning] 228 00:11:07,057 --> 00:11:11,453 Her great-grandfather built ovens. 229 00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:17,677 For the Nazis. Now, here's the thing. 230 00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:21,245 He got out, he got out, Ashville, he got out. 231 00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:22,769 You judgmental fucks. 232 00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:25,641 So don't... seriously. 233 00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:28,992 But we have to, um... 234 00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:30,820 Her one year physical is coming up. 235 00:11:30,907 --> 00:11:32,343 We have to take her for her one year physical, 236 00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:34,781 which everyone of my friends with kids, 237 00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:36,565 which is a lot of them, you know, 238 00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:38,480 have all said the same thing. 239 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:40,482 And I know if you have kids you know what I'm about to say. 240 00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:42,310 Just like, "Oh, my God, it's so hard 241 00:11:42,397 --> 00:11:44,704 to watch them go through that. It's really difficult. 242 00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:47,141 It's awful." You know, 'cause there's all these needles 243 00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:49,143 'cause there's vaccinations, they have to draw blood, 244 00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:51,493 all this shit happens. "Oh, my God, it's so terrible 245 00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:54,409 to watch them go through that, it's awful." And... 246 00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:59,066 So what I've been doing, with that in mind, 247 00:11:59,153 --> 00:12:02,199 uh, what I've been doing is... 248 00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:05,725 slowly introducing her to pain. 249 00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:13,471 Yeah. But I'm having a clown do it, so it's fun. 250 00:12:13,558 --> 00:12:15,430 You know? Yeah. 251 00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,301 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 252 00:12:17,388 --> 00:12:20,652 And so we are taking her in for her one year physical, 253 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,177 which means, obviously, my wife and I 254 00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:26,223 had the big discussion and, uh, 255 00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:30,793 we have decided to let her live. And... 256 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,447 And I'm gonna drill that into her head. 257 00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,101 I'm gonna tell her that repeatedly. 258 00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:36,059 Every day, I'm gonna make sure she knows that 259 00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:37,844 because when she's like five years old 260 00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:39,759 and she's having a tantrum, I want her to be able 261 00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:42,631 to repeat that out loud in a public place 262 00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,415 so that she knows it, you know, 263 00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:45,982 and we're at the airport and we gotta get on the flight 264 00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:48,028 and she's having a tantrum, like, "Hey, hey! 265 00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:50,944 Hey! Stop it! Hey! What did Daddy tell you? 266 00:12:51,031 --> 00:12:53,685 What did Daddy tell you?" 267 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:57,472 "Um... you let me live?" 268 00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:00,954 "Yeah, that's right. Exactly. 269 00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:03,130 Not like..." 270 00:13:03,217 --> 00:13:07,003 "Not like the others?" 271 00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:10,006 "Yeah! Exactly. 272 00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:12,879 Now, come on, we gotta get on the plane. Come on. 273 00:13:12,966 --> 00:13:15,446 Seriously. You wanna go meet your sister? 274 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:18,319 Or brother, I don't know, we never found out. Let's go. 275 00:13:18,406 --> 00:13:20,277 Let's go, let's go, let's go!" 276 00:13:24,934 --> 00:13:28,590 I truly believe that it's... 277 00:13:28,677 --> 00:13:31,680 a kid is never too young to learn about abortion. 278 00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:35,553 I... no reason not to tell them. No reason. 279 00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:40,471 I do believe this, though, sincerely. Uh... 280 00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:43,910 I truly think that having a kid 281 00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:47,217 is one of the most narcissistic things a person can do. 282 00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:49,002 I believe that. I do believe that. 283 00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:51,265 And I don't think it's a conscious decision 284 00:13:51,352 --> 00:13:53,049 that people have. 285 00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:55,356 I think it's this subconscious thing that's in the back 286 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:58,707 of everyone's head, which is this idea of, 287 00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:04,408 "You know, I like me. 288 00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:07,542 I think there should be more of me in the world. 289 00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:09,370 Look at that shitty lady with her shitty kids. 290 00:14:09,457 --> 00:14:12,373 I gotta balance this out." 291 00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:15,332 And I know there's a lot of different reasons 292 00:14:15,419 --> 00:14:17,726 people say they wanna have kids, you know, 293 00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:20,207 "You know, I want unconditional love, 294 00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,643 and I want a buddy," 295 00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:23,732 and where I'm from, in the South, 296 00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:25,908 I think people have kids for practical reasons. 297 00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:27,910 You know? They can sort of look ahead into the future 298 00:14:27,997 --> 00:14:31,218 and pragmatically, you know, realize... 299 00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:34,395 [inhales] "Well... [sighs] 300 00:14:34,482 --> 00:14:37,920 this emphysema ain't gonna cure itself. 301 00:14:38,007 --> 00:14:41,750 [inhales] My diabetes is getting pretty bad. 302 00:14:41,837 --> 00:14:43,143 Pretty soon, I'm gonna out-fat 303 00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:45,928 this Rascal I'm sitting on and... 304 00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:47,974 [inhales] I'm gonna out-fat it, 305 00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:49,714 I'm gonna have to get into the bed 306 00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:52,239 for the rest of my days and... 307 00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:53,980 [inhales] Hell, I'm gonna need somebody to 308 00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:55,242 to go down to the liquor store 309 00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:57,200 and get my Pall Mall unfiltered, 310 00:14:57,287 --> 00:15:00,464 so I best get to fucking. You know." 311 00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,119 -[cheering] -Sure. 312 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:06,818 Asheville, you must know what I'm talking about. 313 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,997 Surely you know what I'm talking about. 314 00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:14,783 And, you know, I... I believe 315 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:19,266 that, at least relatively, I'm a good, decent person 316 00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:21,007 with good values and good morals, 317 00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:24,619 and my wife is as well, and I want to instill those, 318 00:15:24,706 --> 00:15:27,970 uh, lessons and values into my daughter 319 00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:29,319 and teach her what I think. 320 00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:32,279 But I also know that I am cynical, 321 00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:34,672 I'm jaded, I'm skeptical, 322 00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:38,067 uh, I'm an atheist prone to bouts of depression, 323 00:15:38,154 --> 00:15:41,897 I have a jaundiced world view, you know? 324 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:47,033 Because I use my eyeballs and my ears. And... 325 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,644 You know, I just know what I know, 326 00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,559 -but I... -[applause] 327 00:15:51,646 --> 00:15:53,387 And I want... I want to tell these things to my daughter, 328 00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:55,519 but I can't just tell her all the things that I believe 329 00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:58,131 and I know, 'cause that's borderline child abuse. 330 00:15:58,218 --> 00:16:00,002 You can't say that to a little kid. 331 00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:01,917 I'm not gonna be able to sit her down 332 00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:04,224 when she's like four years old and go, "All right, honey. 333 00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:05,921 Come on, let's go get something to eat. 334 00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:08,228 And then we'll, uh, we'll go to the playground 335 00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:10,708 and we'll go on the swings, and you know what? 336 00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:12,275 You're four years old, 337 00:16:12,362 --> 00:16:13,668 I think you're old enough to know this. 338 00:16:13,755 --> 00:16:15,278 Honey, you were born 339 00:16:15,365 --> 00:16:17,889 to a deeply and shamefully racist country, 340 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:21,241 acquired through genocide and built by slave labor, 341 00:16:21,328 --> 00:16:23,460 its apocryphal history, a crumbling muddle 342 00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:26,115 of lies and deceits, and sweetheart, 343 00:16:26,202 --> 00:16:29,118 this profoundly shallow society you are now a part of 344 00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:32,165 is fueled by crass consumerism and narcissism 345 00:16:32,252 --> 00:16:34,863 and petty tribalism and it worships money 346 00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:38,736 and status and places the appearance of being right 347 00:16:38,823 --> 00:16:40,434 above basic human dignity. 348 00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:43,263 Peanut, your leaders are duplicitous hypocrites 349 00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:46,135 who cynically use religion and nationalism 350 00:16:46,222 --> 00:16:50,444 to easily manipulate ignorant and fearful... 351 00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,577 Here comes the airplane." 352 00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:05,285 And that shit's not up for debate. 353 00:17:05,372 --> 00:17:07,417 You know, but I can't... 354 00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:08,940 I can't just tell her that stuff. 355 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,551 But there are things I want her to know 356 00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:12,553 that I think are important for her to know, 357 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,424 as she tries to navigate her way 358 00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:16,731 through this awful, awful world we're giving her. 359 00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:18,820 And... and there are certain things 360 00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:20,517 I think would be helpful for her. 361 00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:23,912 So what I do is, at night, 362 00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:25,914 when she's sleeping, 363 00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:28,743 I... I quietly go into her bedroom, 364 00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:31,398 and I click on the little white noise machine 365 00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:33,748 that replicates the sound of the human heart, you know? 366 00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:36,403 And then I tell her these things, I whisper, I go... 367 00:17:36,490 --> 00:17:40,842 [clicks, imitates white noise] 368 00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:44,280 [imitates heartbeat] 369 00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:46,935 [whispering] "Marlow... [imitates heartbeat] 370 00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:52,245 There is no God. [imitates heartbeat] 371 00:17:54,682 --> 00:17:59,295 Bernie would have won. [imitates heartbeat]" 372 00:17:59,382 --> 00:18:04,431 [cheering] 373 00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:09,479 "Sometimes, feminists can be their own worst enemies." 374 00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:12,091 You know, things that are important that will be helpful 375 00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:15,442 for her as she goes through this life. 376 00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:18,836 Especially if she's gonna be raised in part 377 00:18:18,923 --> 00:18:20,751 by my wife and I. My... 378 00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:26,061 My wife is a staunch, uh, very vocal feminist. 379 00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:28,890 [cheering] 380 00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:33,764 Meaning she won't shut the fuck up about it. 381 00:18:33,851 --> 00:18:37,246 And she's an amazing woman doing amazing work. 382 00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,466 And she's really incredible. 383 00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:42,599 And we're different people, you know? Uh, basically. 384 00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:45,472 And we had very different upbringings, you know. 385 00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:48,692 She comes from a loving family. So, um... 386 00:18:48,779 --> 00:18:53,654 And, you know, I was... I had a pretty shitty childhood 387 00:18:53,741 --> 00:18:56,439 in Roswell, Georgia. And... 388 00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:59,529 And she's from Santa Monica, born and raised, 389 00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:01,401 Santa Monica, California. 390 00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:04,230 And I-- which I can't stand. I don't like Santa Monica. 391 00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:07,711 I-- I have a general dislike for LA. 392 00:19:07,798 --> 00:19:10,061 -[cheering] -But if I... 393 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,281 If I had to laser focus on a place, 394 00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:14,414 it's fucking Santa Monica that I hate. 395 00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:17,808 I can deal with the rest of LA, Santa Monica fucking bugs me 396 00:19:17,895 --> 00:19:19,636 and it drives me up a wall. 397 00:19:19,723 --> 00:19:22,422 Because it's got all this faux-progressive bullshit. 398 00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,641 They act like they're so progressive and liberal 399 00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:27,209 and advanced, and they're not. They're not progressive. 400 00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:29,603 They act like they're so diverse, they're not diverse. 401 00:19:29,690 --> 00:19:31,213 Santa Monica? No. 402 00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:32,997 The most diversity you'll see in Santa Monica 403 00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:35,217 is the lettuce selection at the Whole Foods salad bar. 404 00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:38,873 That's it, you know? It's just varying degrees of pale to tan. 405 00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,875 That's how diverse it gets over there. 406 00:19:40,962 --> 00:19:44,618 And then, mixed with that, is this weird aggro bullshit 407 00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,272 beach vibe that everybody, you know, 408 00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:49,144 Venice and Santa Monica has where it's like, 409 00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:51,277 you know, you're walking to the coffee place 410 00:19:51,364 --> 00:19:55,150 and there's always some sunburned dude in a sarape 411 00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:58,545 and a three-legged pit-bull playing, you know, 412 00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:01,287 Coldplay on a ukulele, and... 413 00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:05,508 And you... you truly can't tell if he's homeless 414 00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:08,163 or a dot-com millionaire. You have no fucking clue. 415 00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:09,773 You don't know! You don't know. 416 00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,906 And you're walking by and the guy's like, 417 00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:14,082 uh, you know, "Hey, bro. Why don't you smile? 418 00:20:14,169 --> 00:20:15,736 Don't cost nothing." Like, fuck you. 419 00:20:15,823 --> 00:20:19,305 Fuck you and that dumb hippie bullshit. 420 00:20:19,392 --> 00:20:23,439 -[cheering] -Ugh! 421 00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:27,226 And that's like your experience 60 percent of your waking hours 422 00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:29,706 in Santa Monica and Venice. And... 423 00:20:29,793 --> 00:20:34,145 And I remember being a kid, you know, being a young boy 424 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,279 in Roswell and going home from school, 425 00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:38,889 cutting through the woods 426 00:20:38,976 --> 00:20:40,543 to go to the apartment complex I lived in. 427 00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:45,113 And getting jumped and beat up by some kids, 428 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,333 you know, yelling anti-Semitic shit. 429 00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:50,510 And... I remember laying on the ground, 430 00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:52,512 you know, getting beat up and thinking, 431 00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:57,343 "Well... at least I'm not in Santa Monica." 432 00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:59,345 So, you know, even as... 433 00:21:00,084 --> 00:21:01,564 Even as a child... 434 00:21:01,651 --> 00:21:07,178 One thing that my wife, for years, 435 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:10,138 tried to get us to do, 436 00:21:10,225 --> 00:21:14,447 for years, was to go 437 00:21:14,534 --> 00:21:16,753 for a couple's colonic. 438 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:20,931 Yeah. 439 00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:23,673 And... 440 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:29,157 I was pretty naive and ignorant as to exactly what took place 441 00:21:29,244 --> 00:21:30,941 during a couple's colonic. 442 00:21:31,028 --> 00:21:35,816 But I knew enough to say, "Fuck no. 443 00:21:35,903 --> 00:21:39,080 No thank you. That does not sound good at all. At all." 444 00:21:39,167 --> 00:21:42,866 And she just insisted, and it was a war of attrition, 445 00:21:42,953 --> 00:21:45,173 and after years she wore me down and I finally said, 446 00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:46,783 "Yes, all right, fine, we'll go." 447 00:21:46,870 --> 00:21:50,352 And in her defense, she did... 448 00:21:50,439 --> 00:21:52,136 She was saying like, "Oh, it'll be fun. 449 00:21:52,223 --> 00:21:54,661 It'll be funny. You'll get a bit out of it." 450 00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:57,968 [laughs] 451 00:21:58,055 --> 00:22:01,798 And... but here's the thing, Asheville. 452 00:22:01,885 --> 00:22:05,019 She truly thought that at this couple's colonic, 453 00:22:05,106 --> 00:22:08,022 she really believed this, that we were going to be 454 00:22:08,109 --> 00:22:12,374 in a room, uh, like on... 455 00:22:12,461 --> 00:22:13,941 together, on a bed, 456 00:22:14,028 --> 00:22:16,204 you know, holding each other's hands, 457 00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:19,860 looking each other in the eyes, 458 00:22:19,947 --> 00:22:24,691 "Honey, I love you so much!" You know, like, she... 459 00:22:24,778 --> 00:22:26,693 That's what she thought was gonna happen. 460 00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:28,216 And I want that image... 461 00:22:28,303 --> 00:22:29,609 Allow that image 462 00:22:29,696 --> 00:22:31,350 to occasionally pop into your head, 463 00:22:31,437 --> 00:22:36,224 as I tell you what happened, what I went through, 464 00:22:36,311 --> 00:22:39,880 the trauma and the pain that I went through 465 00:22:39,967 --> 00:22:41,708 during this colonic. 466 00:22:41,795 --> 00:22:43,884 'Cause I am going to tell you exactly what happened 467 00:22:43,971 --> 00:22:46,277 in great detail, in great detail. 468 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:49,019 And I want that image to pop in your head occasionally. 469 00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:52,458 So... fucking relent, okay, we're gonna go. 470 00:22:52,545 --> 00:22:54,329 And she makes an appointment for us, 471 00:22:54,416 --> 00:22:56,418 and it's about six, seven blocks away from our apartment. 472 00:22:56,505 --> 00:22:58,638 It's a place called The Gentle Wellness Center. 473 00:22:58,725 --> 00:23:01,771 Gentle... gentle, gentle wellness. 474 00:23:01,858 --> 00:23:04,992 [gasps] Gentle wellness... 475 00:23:05,079 --> 00:23:08,430 [whispering] You go in, it's very... it's very soft 476 00:23:08,517 --> 00:23:10,563 and it's respectful and there's like low lighting, 477 00:23:10,650 --> 00:23:13,783 like amber lighting and it's very quiet. 478 00:23:13,870 --> 00:23:15,742 You know, and there's like an older hippie woman 479 00:23:15,829 --> 00:23:20,094 behind the desk and she's got really long hair, too long, 480 00:23:20,181 --> 00:23:22,270 the hair is too long. It's just... 481 00:23:22,357 --> 00:23:25,012 It's just... just cut that much off, please? 482 00:23:25,099 --> 00:23:28,145 No one... just... it's making everyone nervous. 483 00:23:28,232 --> 00:23:31,453 No one needs hair this long. For safety sake, ma'am, 484 00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:33,673 please just cut this much... And... 485 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,544 And then it's, you know, a burbling brook 486 00:23:35,631 --> 00:23:39,809 and a bonsai tree and then a CD is playing softly 487 00:23:39,896 --> 00:23:41,594 in the background. 488 00:23:41,681 --> 00:23:45,467 You know, it's nature sounds, just, you know, chimes. 489 00:23:45,554 --> 00:23:51,125 [imitates chimes ringing] 490 00:23:51,212 --> 00:23:56,478 And a wolf howl. [howls softly] 491 00:23:56,565 --> 00:23:59,307 And vaguely Native American sounds like... 492 00:23:59,394 --> 00:24:03,311 [nonsensical chanting] 493 00:24:03,398 --> 00:24:05,835 You know, but all at once, you know. And... 494 00:24:05,922 --> 00:24:08,098 I can't do it all at once. I'm not Michael Winslow, 495 00:24:08,185 --> 00:24:10,100 but, you know, you get the idea. 496 00:24:10,187 --> 00:24:11,624 You get the idea. So that's playing. 497 00:24:11,711 --> 00:24:13,495 And then so we go and we get our forms 498 00:24:13,582 --> 00:24:17,151 and fill 'em out... whatever, and turn them in. 499 00:24:17,238 --> 00:24:19,501 And then after a minute or two, 500 00:24:19,588 --> 00:24:25,376 this tall, very severe-looking, kind of Germanic woman 501 00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:27,988 comes out, really stern. 502 00:24:28,075 --> 00:24:30,643 She comes out and she goes, 503 00:24:30,730 --> 00:24:32,383 "Amber Tamblyn." 504 00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:37,693 And then next to her is a very short Vietnamese woman 505 00:24:37,780 --> 00:24:41,305 who says, "David Cross." 506 00:24:41,392 --> 00:24:46,180 And so we walk up and we go our separate ways. 507 00:24:46,267 --> 00:24:48,661 My wife gets taken down the hallway this way, 508 00:24:48,748 --> 00:24:50,445 I get taken down there, and so I'm like, "Ha-ha! 509 00:24:50,532 --> 00:24:52,534 I knew it! I knew this wasn't a couple's thing! 510 00:24:52,621 --> 00:24:54,275 I knew were weren't gonna lay there!" 511 00:24:54,362 --> 00:24:56,407 And, you know, like minor victory, tiny victory. 512 00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,280 And it turns out to be an extremely minor victory 513 00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:01,151 'cause my laughter starts receding as I'm like, 514 00:25:01,238 --> 00:25:02,849 "I knew it. Wait, what's happening?" 515 00:25:02,936 --> 00:25:05,199 Where am I going? What's going to happen to me? 516 00:25:05,286 --> 00:25:08,507 Where am I? What's this room?" And... 517 00:25:08,594 --> 00:25:11,379 And I get taken by the Vietnamese lady 518 00:25:11,466 --> 00:25:14,077 to this small room, and she has me go in, 519 00:25:14,164 --> 00:25:17,951 and she, uh, has me change in the bathroom. 520 00:25:18,038 --> 00:25:19,779 So I change out of my clothes and basically, 521 00:25:19,866 --> 00:25:21,563 it's a hospital gown you put on, you know, 522 00:25:21,650 --> 00:25:23,783 the thing, it's open down the back. 523 00:25:23,870 --> 00:25:26,089 And I get out of the bathroom, and it's a tiny room, 524 00:25:26,176 --> 00:25:28,701 it looks like a massage room, so there's basically just 525 00:25:28,788 --> 00:25:32,879 the table, next to the table is a stool. 526 00:25:32,966 --> 00:25:35,664 And at the foot of this-- it's not a table, it's a bed. 527 00:25:35,751 --> 00:25:38,232 Like, you know, whatever. And... 528 00:25:38,319 --> 00:25:40,190 at the foot of the bed 529 00:25:40,277 --> 00:25:44,281 is this crystal-clear, pristine, 530 00:25:44,368 --> 00:25:48,851 spotless, acrylic, rectangular box. Right? 531 00:25:48,938 --> 00:25:52,246 It's like this deep, about that wide. 532 00:25:52,333 --> 00:25:53,682 It's against the wall. 533 00:25:53,769 --> 00:25:57,730 And on the back of it, it's all one... 534 00:25:57,817 --> 00:26:01,255 like, one solid, white, soft white light. 535 00:26:01,342 --> 00:26:04,563 It's backlit by this white light. Right? 536 00:26:04,650 --> 00:26:09,568 Inside of the acrylic rectangle, 537 00:26:09,655 --> 00:26:12,092 also spotless, 538 00:26:12,179 --> 00:26:15,095 a continuous, unbroken, 539 00:26:15,182 --> 00:26:19,926 crystal-clear, glass tube. 540 00:26:20,013 --> 00:26:21,667 It goes like this. 541 00:26:21,754 --> 00:26:25,061 Oh, yes, indeed. Oh, yes, indeed. 542 00:26:25,148 --> 00:26:29,413 And then it ends in a little drain in the floor. 543 00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:31,111 It's beautiful. 544 00:26:31,198 --> 00:26:33,635 Beautiful. Looks like modern art. 545 00:26:33,722 --> 00:26:35,463 Looks exactly-- it could be modern art. 546 00:26:35,550 --> 00:26:40,033 Some rich asshole's... no pun, no pun. 547 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:42,688 No pun. No pun. 548 00:26:44,820 --> 00:26:48,650 Emanating from the top of the rectangular box, 549 00:26:48,737 --> 00:26:52,523 sealed off, is a hose and this goes into the tube, 550 00:26:52,611 --> 00:26:57,528 is a rubber hose, comes out, coils around on the floor, 551 00:26:57,616 --> 00:27:00,140 ends on the bed. 552 00:27:00,227 --> 00:27:04,057 At the end of the tube is roughly about, um, 553 00:27:04,144 --> 00:27:08,583 seven, eight inch plastic phallus 554 00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:11,978 with a hole at the end. 555 00:27:12,065 --> 00:27:16,156 So I come out of the... come out of the room, 556 00:27:16,243 --> 00:27:18,506 she has me get on the bed, 557 00:27:18,593 --> 00:27:22,205 and she's on the stool, so her head's right here, 558 00:27:22,292 --> 00:27:26,296 and she's holding the phallus end of the hose. 559 00:27:26,383 --> 00:27:31,562 And I-- you know, she's just holding it like this. 560 00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:34,870 And I-- I don't-- 561 00:27:37,786 --> 00:27:40,310 And she's not gesturing with it, she's just holding it, 562 00:27:40,397 --> 00:27:42,443 expectantly, you know, and I'm like, 563 00:27:42,530 --> 00:27:45,098 I don't-- I don't... 564 00:27:45,185 --> 00:27:47,100 Uh... 565 00:27:48,928 --> 00:27:50,886 No, that's not it. That's not it. 566 00:27:50,973 --> 00:27:52,409 I know that's not it. 567 00:27:52,496 --> 00:27:54,194 I don't know what she wants me to do. 568 00:27:54,281 --> 00:27:56,109 She must think I've done this before. 569 00:27:56,196 --> 00:27:58,546 I've never done this before. Am I supposed to sign off on it? 570 00:27:58,633 --> 00:28:02,376 Just like, "Oh, yeah, that's a... McJohnson 740. 571 00:28:02,463 --> 00:28:05,466 That's the... that's the brand I use. 572 00:28:05,553 --> 00:28:08,295 That's good. Clearly a reputable colonic house. 573 00:28:08,382 --> 00:28:10,558 I'm glad my wife made the appointment here, you know." 574 00:28:10,645 --> 00:28:12,908 I don't know what she's doing, 575 00:28:12,995 --> 00:28:16,390 and her English isn't very good at all. 576 00:28:16,477 --> 00:28:21,569 And my Vietnamese is not that much better. And... 577 00:28:21,656 --> 00:28:23,310 And so finally, I figure it out. 578 00:28:23,397 --> 00:28:25,442 After a couple of seconds, like, "Oh, I-- she's-- 579 00:28:25,529 --> 00:28:28,576 She's giving this to me." I'm like, "Oh, you want... 580 00:28:28,663 --> 00:28:30,796 Oh, you want me to put it--" And of course that makes sense. 581 00:28:30,883 --> 00:28:33,146 Like, "Okay, yes, okay, I understand." 582 00:28:33,233 --> 00:28:34,364 So I take it from her, 583 00:28:34,451 --> 00:28:36,715 and she rolls me on my left side, 584 00:28:36,802 --> 00:28:39,500 and she lifts up my leg like this, 585 00:28:39,587 --> 00:28:41,545 and then she turns her back to me, 586 00:28:41,632 --> 00:28:44,853 which I take as my cue, um... 587 00:28:44,940 --> 00:28:50,772 And then I spend the next... couple minutes, uh, just... 588 00:28:58,867 --> 00:29:01,261 Hang on, hang on! 589 00:29:02,915 --> 00:29:04,786 [indistinct] 590 00:29:04,873 --> 00:29:07,267 Ow! 591 00:29:07,354 --> 00:29:08,616 And then finally, I get it in. 592 00:29:08,703 --> 00:29:10,444 After what feels like five minutes, 593 00:29:10,531 --> 00:29:13,273 I finally get it in there. 594 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:16,145 And she-- and also, uh, 595 00:29:16,232 --> 00:29:19,279 apologies to whoever's using this mic again. 596 00:29:19,366 --> 00:29:24,023 Uh, I don't know who's here tomorrow or... 597 00:29:24,110 --> 00:29:27,287 Is it Cosmic Charlie? [laughs] 598 00:29:27,374 --> 00:29:29,637 It is-- Cosmic Charlie's here next. 599 00:29:29,724 --> 00:29:33,162 They're a Grateful Dead cover band. 600 00:29:37,558 --> 00:29:40,735 I just love the idea of sound check-- 601 00:29:40,822 --> 00:29:45,000 Actually, why would a Grateful Dead cover band 602 00:29:45,087 --> 00:29:46,741 ever need to sound check? 603 00:29:46,828 --> 00:29:50,745 Isn't the whole fucking show a sound check? [laughs] 604 00:29:50,832 --> 00:29:55,315 Bink, bink, bink-bink-bink! Dink, dink, dink! 605 00:29:55,402 --> 00:29:57,404 Bink, bink, dink, dink, dink! 606 00:29:57,491 --> 00:30:01,103 ♪ Honey in the haystack Feelin' good, the sunshine-- ♪ 607 00:30:01,190 --> 00:30:06,979 Anyway... uh... 608 00:30:07,066 --> 00:30:09,982 I do love the idea, though, that there'll be a band, 609 00:30:10,069 --> 00:30:12,898 uh, doing sound check, 610 00:30:12,985 --> 00:30:16,118 you know, going, "All right, guys. You ready? 611 00:30:16,205 --> 00:30:17,685 All right? 612 00:30:17,772 --> 00:30:20,253 All right. 'Ali Baba,' is that enough... 613 00:30:20,340 --> 00:30:22,995 Are-- do you have-- you have your shoes off enough?" 614 00:30:23,082 --> 00:30:27,347 [laughs] 615 00:30:27,434 --> 00:30:31,307 "You good? All right. 616 00:30:31,394 --> 00:30:33,744 Tater, you got your nose harmonica? All right. 617 00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:35,485 You ready to go? Okay. 618 00:30:35,572 --> 00:30:38,924 Ready? One, two, one, two, three-- 619 00:30:39,011 --> 00:30:41,796 ♪ Hey, banker man Don't tell me when I can ♪ 620 00:30:41,883 --> 00:30:44,233 ♪ Withdraw my money ♪ Wait, hold up. 621 00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:46,496 Wait, stop, stop, stop. 622 00:30:46,583 --> 00:30:49,630 [sniffing] 623 00:30:52,285 --> 00:30:54,940 [sniffing] 624 00:30:58,552 --> 00:31:00,684 Was David Cross here? 625 00:31:01,250 --> 00:31:02,817 Because..." 626 00:31:02,904 --> 00:31:05,211 -What was I talking about? -[woman] Colonic! 627 00:31:05,298 --> 00:31:08,083 Oh, yeah, yeah. So... yeah. So I got-- oh, right. 628 00:31:08,170 --> 00:31:09,563 So I got it in there. Right? Okay. 629 00:31:09,650 --> 00:31:11,565 So I get, after a couple of minutes, 630 00:31:11,652 --> 00:31:15,482 you know, get it in, and I say to the woman, 631 00:31:15,569 --> 00:31:17,701 you know, I go, "Okay, okay. I got it in." 632 00:31:17,788 --> 00:31:21,357 And she-- she turns and looks at me and she goes... 633 00:31:23,359 --> 00:31:25,448 "Like, really? 634 00:31:25,535 --> 00:31:28,016 [sighs] Okay, I got-- I got it. Okay." 635 00:31:28,103 --> 00:31:31,498 And so I go to do it again, get it in there, 636 00:31:31,585 --> 00:31:34,980 uh, and I won't-- I'll spare you that, I won't do that again. 637 00:31:35,067 --> 00:31:36,938 But it was-- and she was right. 638 00:31:37,025 --> 00:31:38,505 She was right. I definitely... 639 00:31:38,592 --> 00:31:40,420 When I went to get it in there the second time, 640 00:31:40,507 --> 00:31:43,466 I clearly did not have it in there enough, 641 00:31:43,553 --> 00:31:46,034 satisfactorily, it would have made a terrible mess. 642 00:31:46,121 --> 00:31:47,601 It would have been awful. It was... 643 00:31:47,688 --> 00:31:49,298 So I spent another couple of minutes, 644 00:31:49,385 --> 00:31:51,561 and just, you know, like... [squeaking noise] 645 00:31:51,648 --> 00:31:54,303 You know, get it in there. 646 00:31:54,390 --> 00:31:56,088 Okay, yes, I got it. 647 00:31:56,175 --> 00:31:58,612 And, um, I tell her, "Okay, we got it." 648 00:31:58,699 --> 00:32:02,529 And then she turns back to me and again... 649 00:32:02,616 --> 00:32:05,706 "Really? I don't-- Okay." 650 00:32:05,793 --> 00:32:11,625 And then she says, uh, "Do you want I to do it...?" 651 00:32:11,712 --> 00:32:14,933 And I was like, "Oh, yeah. Sorry, I guess I don't know." 652 00:32:15,020 --> 00:32:19,285 And I did not get to the "y" sound of the word "yeah" 653 00:32:19,372 --> 00:32:22,244 before she had just dipped it in lube 654 00:32:22,331 --> 00:32:24,725 and shoved it in my ass! "Oh, my God! 655 00:32:24,812 --> 00:32:28,163 Lady, what the fuck is-- How can you do that?! 656 00:32:28,250 --> 00:32:31,036 Who does such a thing?! You're awful! 657 00:32:31,123 --> 00:32:33,429 Gentle wellness, gentle! 658 00:32:33,516 --> 00:32:36,955 It says it on there, gentle!" 659 00:32:37,042 --> 00:32:39,087 And I mean, she's fuck-- she just... foom! 660 00:32:39,174 --> 00:32:41,481 And I just immediately start sweating and tearing up 661 00:32:41,568 --> 00:32:44,832 and shaking, I'm shaking, and... and... and... 662 00:32:44,919 --> 00:32:47,617 -And ladies, I get it. -[woman] Yeah! 663 00:32:47,704 --> 00:32:51,273 I get it. I get it. And I apologize, I apologize, 664 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:55,060 on behalf of myself and behalf of every man in this room, 665 00:32:55,147 --> 00:32:58,150 I... I apologize. Uh... 666 00:32:58,237 --> 00:33:02,328 I completely understand the urgency of the wrong hole! 667 00:33:02,415 --> 00:33:03,894 I get it. I get it. 668 00:33:03,982 --> 00:33:05,635 I get it, I will not be going near there 669 00:33:05,722 --> 00:33:08,290 without a consent form, signed in triplicate, 670 00:33:08,377 --> 00:33:10,466 notarized, there'll be a countdown clock, I get it. 671 00:33:10,553 --> 00:33:14,993 I understand. I truly understand, I get it. 672 00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:18,866 It's jarring, it's, uh... 673 00:33:18,953 --> 00:33:21,564 And so she's-- it's... 674 00:33:21,651 --> 00:33:25,090 So she rolls me back-- on my back now. 675 00:33:25,177 --> 00:33:26,656 I'm back on my back, 676 00:33:26,743 --> 00:33:28,136 and this thing is shoved way the fuck up me. 677 00:33:28,223 --> 00:33:31,922 And I'm looking at it between... coming 678 00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,360 from my legs in my hospital gown 679 00:33:34,447 --> 00:33:38,712 and I'm laying there just furious. 680 00:33:38,799 --> 00:33:41,193 A-- just angry. Like, what the fuck? 681 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:43,978 What is happening? 682 00:33:44,065 --> 00:33:48,069 And she starts to explain how the process is gonna work. 683 00:33:48,156 --> 00:33:53,074 She's... she goes, "I will turn the nozz..." 684 00:33:53,161 --> 00:33:54,945 She's gonna turn the nozzle, 685 00:33:55,033 --> 00:34:00,560 and then I will start to fill with water. 686 00:34:00,647 --> 00:34:03,737 And then when I feel pressure, 687 00:34:03,824 --> 00:34:05,739 I say release, 688 00:34:05,826 --> 00:34:11,179 and she releases and reverses the flow. 689 00:34:11,266 --> 00:34:13,225 Okay, okay. 690 00:34:13,312 --> 00:34:16,315 So that's how it's gonna work. And... 691 00:34:16,402 --> 00:34:20,145 [fake Vietnamese accent] So she turn the nozz. 692 00:34:20,232 --> 00:34:25,280 [normal voice] And I slowly start to fill with warm water. 693 00:34:25,367 --> 00:34:29,154 Which is, no joke, truly a very pleasant experience. 694 00:34:29,241 --> 00:34:31,069 It was very nice. It really is. 695 00:34:31,156 --> 00:34:34,594 It's hard to put into words, but it was a comforting feeling. 696 00:34:34,681 --> 00:34:37,162 It feels good, and... 697 00:34:37,249 --> 00:34:40,165 And I like to be peed in, you know, that's my thing. 698 00:34:40,252 --> 00:34:43,124 Uh... 699 00:34:43,211 --> 00:34:46,127 I like to be peed in, um... 700 00:34:47,041 --> 00:34:48,695 [man] Whoo! 701 00:34:48,782 --> 00:34:50,871 I like to, you know, a guy to fuck me up the ass 702 00:34:50,958 --> 00:34:53,221 and then there's another guy who's semi-hard next to him, 703 00:34:53,308 --> 00:34:55,267 and he's gotta take a piss, and then this guy pulls out 704 00:34:55,354 --> 00:34:59,575 and then he goes in and he pees in me, and... 705 00:35:06,756 --> 00:35:10,238 It's called a San Francisco Gold Rush, and it is... 706 00:35:11,587 --> 00:35:13,720 Oh! 707 00:35:14,938 --> 00:35:18,681 An American classic. American classic. 708 00:35:20,814 --> 00:35:24,209 So anyway, so... 709 00:35:24,296 --> 00:35:25,688 I'm starting to fill up with water. 710 00:35:25,775 --> 00:35:27,299 I'm laying there, she's right here. 711 00:35:27,386 --> 00:35:29,997 Her head is right here, sitting on the stool. 712 00:35:30,084 --> 00:35:33,174 And the silence is just deafening. 713 00:35:33,261 --> 00:35:34,915 It's so awkward, it's so weird, 714 00:35:35,002 --> 00:35:37,309 I don't-- I feel very uncomfortable. 715 00:35:37,396 --> 00:35:39,224 Uh, and I want to say something. 716 00:35:39,311 --> 00:35:42,575 I'm also feeling oddly guilty. It's just a strange thing. 717 00:35:42,662 --> 00:35:45,012 And I'm trying to think of something to say. 718 00:35:45,099 --> 00:35:47,449 Anything that's conversational, 'cause this is gonna go on 719 00:35:47,536 --> 00:35:49,451 for 40 fucking minutes, so I'm just... 720 00:35:49,538 --> 00:35:53,412 You know, I'm just sitting there like... 721 00:36:01,376 --> 00:36:03,161 [sighs] 722 00:36:12,387 --> 00:36:14,041 "When... 723 00:36:26,271 --> 00:36:29,709 How do you like Santa Monica?" And I finally say something. 724 00:36:29,796 --> 00:36:31,885 Finally, I finally say something. 725 00:36:31,972 --> 00:36:34,235 And she starts to... very slowly, 726 00:36:34,322 --> 00:36:35,715 in broken English, answer. 727 00:36:35,802 --> 00:36:38,413 And as soon as she starts to answer, 728 00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:41,242 and I cannot underscore this enough, 729 00:36:41,329 --> 00:36:44,158 there was nothing gradual about it. 730 00:36:44,245 --> 00:36:47,553 It was zero to 60, it was instantaneous. 731 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,382 She's like, "Well--" "Release! Release! Re--" 732 00:36:50,469 --> 00:36:53,080 Screaming. "Release!" And the pressure was insane. 733 00:36:53,167 --> 00:36:54,734 It felt like I was going to rip apart 734 00:36:54,821 --> 00:36:56,779 and a fucking alien baby was in there 735 00:36:56,866 --> 00:36:59,129 waterboarding me, and I'm screaming, screaming. 736 00:36:59,217 --> 00:37:01,480 And screaming, "Release!" And she undoes it, 737 00:37:01,567 --> 00:37:03,786 and I'm screaming and I'm sweating and crying. 738 00:37:03,873 --> 00:37:06,746 And she's doing this, and then she compliments me 739 00:37:06,833 --> 00:37:08,791 on my release, she did. I swear to God. 740 00:37:08,878 --> 00:37:11,272 She said, [fake accent] "Very nice release, Mr. Cross." 741 00:37:11,359 --> 00:37:14,101 And it-- and it's all, you know, it's coming out 742 00:37:14,188 --> 00:37:16,582 and going down the tubes, and it's like you're giving birth. 743 00:37:16,669 --> 00:37:17,844 And she says, "Do you wanna see?" 744 00:37:17,931 --> 00:37:19,324 And I'm like, "Sure, okay." 745 00:37:19,411 --> 00:37:21,108 And she lifts my head on the pillow, 746 00:37:21,195 --> 00:37:23,676 and I'm like looking at this like, "Oh, my babies! 747 00:37:23,763 --> 00:37:26,766 My shit babies! Oh! 748 00:37:26,853 --> 00:37:28,811 Be free. Be free, my shit babies! 749 00:37:28,898 --> 00:37:33,338 You-- you go to a better place and..." 750 00:37:35,514 --> 00:37:39,996 And so that happens repeatedly for like the next 40 minutes. 751 00:37:40,083 --> 00:37:42,608 And then it's over. 752 00:37:42,695 --> 00:37:47,613 She leaves. She says I can go change and go back out. 753 00:37:47,700 --> 00:37:52,270 And I go to the bathroom and I change into my clothes. 754 00:37:52,357 --> 00:37:56,012 And I walk out of the bathroom and... 755 00:37:56,099 --> 00:37:58,580 walk out of the room, 756 00:37:58,667 --> 00:38:05,500 and I walk down the hallway like this. 757 00:38:05,587 --> 00:38:09,330 And I'm walking down the hallway like this 758 00:38:09,417 --> 00:38:14,727 because it feels like I'm shitting. 759 00:38:14,814 --> 00:38:18,165 Not-- not like, "Oh, I think I need to shit," 760 00:38:18,252 --> 00:38:19,819 or, "Oops, I may shit." 761 00:38:19,906 --> 00:38:21,342 No, that's a different sensation altogether. 762 00:38:21,429 --> 00:38:26,391 This feels like I am constantly shitting. 763 00:38:26,478 --> 00:38:28,480 Like if you've ever taken acid or mushrooms, 764 00:38:28,567 --> 00:38:30,046 and you go to take a piss, you know, 765 00:38:30,133 --> 00:38:33,223 and you're sitting there going, "Am I done? 766 00:38:33,311 --> 00:38:35,878 Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm done. Oh, no, I'm not! 767 00:38:35,965 --> 00:38:38,272 No, I'm not. No, I'm not. 768 00:38:38,359 --> 00:38:40,796 Wait. Wait! Yes, I am. 769 00:38:40,883 --> 00:38:42,798 Oh, no, I'm not! No, I'm not! No." 770 00:38:42,885 --> 00:38:45,323 It's that the entire time. 771 00:38:45,410 --> 00:38:47,325 And... 772 00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:51,677 And I walk down the hallway 773 00:38:51,764 --> 00:38:53,592 and I get to the waiting room, 774 00:38:53,679 --> 00:38:58,466 and my wife is there flipping through a magazine. 775 00:38:58,553 --> 00:39:02,209 And she pops up, and she says, and I quote, 776 00:39:02,296 --> 00:39:04,777 "Do you wanna get sushi?" 777 00:39:06,953 --> 00:39:08,694 "No. 778 00:39:08,781 --> 00:39:13,699 No, I do not want to get sushi. 779 00:39:13,786 --> 00:39:18,356 I want to go home and take a rape shower." 780 00:39:25,319 --> 00:39:28,409 And speaking of taking a rape shower... 781 00:39:30,977 --> 00:39:34,502 I am starting to-- 782 00:39:34,589 --> 00:39:39,159 starting to regret my vote for Trump. 783 00:39:39,246 --> 00:39:41,727 I... I know! 784 00:39:42,554 --> 00:39:44,904 You guys, I know! 785 00:39:44,991 --> 00:39:48,211 I was like you, "It'll be fun! It'll be funny! 786 00:39:48,298 --> 00:39:50,431 Burn it down! 787 00:39:50,518 --> 00:39:53,652 Burn the Constitution down." 788 00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:56,785 Oh, yeah. 789 00:39:56,872 --> 00:39:59,092 There's a, uh... 790 00:39:59,179 --> 00:40:03,052 There's a Twitter thing, uh, 791 00:40:03,139 --> 00:40:05,490 Twitter site, whatever, uh, 792 00:40:05,577 --> 00:40:09,058 whatever you call it, Twitter feed. Right? 793 00:40:09,145 --> 00:40:10,712 Yeah, Twitter feed. I don't know. 794 00:40:10,799 --> 00:40:14,107 I'm not-- I don't know-- I'm not good at Twitter. 795 00:40:14,194 --> 00:40:17,589 I'm not. And... I mean, I know... 796 00:40:17,676 --> 00:40:22,158 I know enough-- I know how to write something 797 00:40:22,245 --> 00:40:25,597 that will ruin my career. That I've got down. 798 00:40:25,684 --> 00:40:28,948 I know how to respond to people who say something negative 799 00:40:29,035 --> 00:40:30,863 about that post and make things even worse. 800 00:40:30,950 --> 00:40:32,821 I know-- I've got that part down. 801 00:40:32,908 --> 00:40:35,345 But I don't know the fun... I truly don't know how 802 00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:39,959 they do the fun, you know, the photo funnies bullshit. 803 00:40:40,046 --> 00:40:41,351 You know, where they take photos 804 00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:43,136 and they put the memes and stuff. 805 00:40:43,223 --> 00:40:44,964 I don't know how they-- I don't know how that's done. 806 00:40:45,051 --> 00:40:46,618 I'm sure I'd like it more if I knew how to do that. 807 00:40:46,705 --> 00:40:49,534 You know, where there's like the picture of the ladies 808 00:40:49,621 --> 00:40:51,144 walking and guy's going, "Hello." 809 00:40:51,231 --> 00:40:52,885 And then, you know, the girl's going, "Hey!" 810 00:40:52,972 --> 00:40:56,192 You know, and then they put the funny words on them. 811 00:40:56,279 --> 00:40:58,281 You know, it's like... 812 00:40:58,368 --> 00:41:01,371 "I'm mustard." "I'm a hot dog." "I'm ketchup!" 813 00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:02,982 You know, and like... 814 00:41:04,505 --> 00:41:08,161 Hilarious shit like that, I'd love to contribute. 815 00:41:08,857 --> 00:41:10,816 But... 816 00:41:10,903 --> 00:41:13,340 But anyway, so there's this Twitter thing, 817 00:41:13,427 --> 00:41:15,821 uh, Twitter feed, that I'm on 818 00:41:15,908 --> 00:41:18,824 that's called Trump Regrets or Trump Voter Regrets 819 00:41:18,911 --> 00:41:20,826 or something like that. And it's a compendium 820 00:41:20,913 --> 00:41:24,046 of whenever somebody writes that in their tweet, 821 00:41:24,133 --> 00:41:27,223 it sends it to this thing. And, you know, 822 00:41:27,310 --> 00:41:30,183 it's been going on, they've compiled thousands 823 00:41:30,270 --> 00:41:32,054 and thousands of them. 824 00:41:32,141 --> 00:41:33,795 You know, there's-- somebody posted a couple days ago. 825 00:41:33,882 --> 00:41:37,930 "Dear President Trump, I'm starting to regret my vote." 826 00:41:40,410 --> 00:41:42,717 What-- 827 00:41:42,804 --> 00:41:45,503 Now? 828 00:41:45,590 --> 00:41:48,418 Now you're... starting to regret. 829 00:41:48,506 --> 00:41:51,030 "Yeah, that's right! 830 00:41:51,117 --> 00:41:52,858 I mean, I was fine in the beginning. 831 00:41:52,945 --> 00:41:55,600 I-- I can overlook and I'm okay 832 00:41:55,687 --> 00:41:58,254 with the blatant racism and the crass sexism 833 00:41:58,341 --> 00:42:01,301 and the deranged narcissism and pandering to Nazis 834 00:42:01,388 --> 00:42:04,043 and supporting pedophiles and proudly bragging 835 00:42:04,130 --> 00:42:07,176 about being a sexual predator and paying your mistress 836 00:42:07,263 --> 00:42:10,266 to have an abortion and openly cheating your employees 837 00:42:10,353 --> 00:42:13,531 and mocking the disabled and praising murderous dictators 838 00:42:13,618 --> 00:42:15,445 and the constant pathological lying, 839 00:42:15,533 --> 00:42:18,057 the petty, vindictive cruelty, the staggering ineptitude, 840 00:42:18,144 --> 00:42:21,451 the unapologetic corruption, the nepotism, the Mob ties, 841 00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:24,846 the calculated mendacity, ignorance as to how American 842 00:42:24,933 --> 00:42:27,501 government works, encouraging violence against those 843 00:42:27,588 --> 00:42:29,982 that question your authority, the theft of our tax dollars 844 00:42:30,069 --> 00:42:32,245 to pay off your mountain of debt and/or go golfing. 845 00:42:32,332 --> 00:42:34,639 Did I mention the relentless lying? You're a liar. 846 00:42:34,726 --> 00:42:37,250 Being a white nationalist, demonizing immigrants, 847 00:42:37,337 --> 00:42:39,252 the obvious disregard of the Bill of Rights, 848 00:42:39,339 --> 00:42:41,167 lying about whether Russia had hacked our election 849 00:42:41,254 --> 00:42:43,735 when you knew all along it had, then lying about lying about it, 850 00:42:43,822 --> 00:42:46,302 the collusion with our sworn enemy and the sworn enemy 851 00:42:46,389 --> 00:42:48,653 of democracy, your dereliction of duty, 852 00:42:48,740 --> 00:42:52,308 your treasonous activities, and I... 853 00:42:52,395 --> 00:42:54,006 -[cheering] -I was with you 854 00:42:54,093 --> 00:42:56,791 when you cheated... 855 00:42:59,968 --> 00:43:02,667 I was with you when you cheated on your wife 856 00:43:02,754 --> 00:43:05,104 with that porn star, the one you compared favorably 857 00:43:05,191 --> 00:43:07,585 to your daughter, you cheated on your wife, 858 00:43:07,672 --> 00:43:09,674 not the wife you raped, but the current wife 859 00:43:09,761 --> 00:43:11,414 who had just given birth to your son, 860 00:43:11,501 --> 00:43:13,591 and of course I was with you when we found out 861 00:43:13,678 --> 00:43:15,331 you cheated with the Playboy Playmate, 862 00:43:15,418 --> 00:43:17,595 the one you compared favorably to your daughter, 863 00:43:17,682 --> 00:43:19,205 not-- not with the wife you have now, 864 00:43:19,292 --> 00:43:21,468 but the second wife whose kid you ignore, 865 00:43:21,555 --> 00:43:23,992 and of course I was with you, President Trump, 866 00:43:24,079 --> 00:43:26,038 when you-- when you took the babies away, 867 00:43:26,125 --> 00:43:29,302 you took infants breastfeeding, literally breastfeeding, 868 00:43:29,389 --> 00:43:30,956 from their mothers and fathers, 869 00:43:31,043 --> 00:43:34,524 families who had made this arduous trek 870 00:43:34,612 --> 00:43:37,310 to come here and seek asylum. 871 00:43:37,397 --> 00:43:39,007 They just wanted to seek asylum. 872 00:43:39,094 --> 00:43:41,793 And you took them and you sent-- deported the parents 873 00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:43,316 and you took them and separated them, 874 00:43:43,403 --> 00:43:45,361 sent the kids hundreds of miles away 875 00:43:45,448 --> 00:43:48,800 in a disused Walmart inside of a cage 876 00:43:48,887 --> 00:43:52,238 with armed guards pointing guns at them. 877 00:43:52,325 --> 00:43:56,155 And then of course, uh, and then, uh, 878 00:43:56,242 --> 00:43:58,200 thus ensuring the private prison contractors, 879 00:43:58,287 --> 00:44:00,812 CoreCivic and GEO Group, who donated heavily to you 880 00:44:00,899 --> 00:44:03,031 can get paid their collective four billion in profit 881 00:44:03,118 --> 00:44:05,947 as those toddlers sob and whimper in absolute terror 882 00:44:06,034 --> 00:44:09,472 traumatized for life, of course I was with you with that. 883 00:44:09,559 --> 00:44:13,825 But this last omnibus spending bill is where I draw the line! 884 00:44:13,912 --> 00:44:18,568 -Mm! Mm, mm, mm! -[cheering] 885 00:44:22,268 --> 00:44:24,836 I'm sorry, President Trump. 886 00:44:24,923 --> 00:44:27,447 But I'm a good Christian. 887 00:44:29,231 --> 00:44:31,973 I'm a good Christian and I can't 888 00:44:32,060 --> 00:44:35,281 tolerate that last spending bill." 889 00:44:37,631 --> 00:44:39,851 I have to rewrite this thing almost daily. 890 00:44:39,938 --> 00:44:41,635 And I-- that's why I can't memorize it. 891 00:44:41,722 --> 00:44:43,724 This... this is new, this is a couple of days old. 892 00:44:43,811 --> 00:44:47,336 CoreCivic and GEO Group, found that out three days ago. 893 00:44:47,423 --> 00:44:49,382 I, you know... 894 00:44:49,469 --> 00:44:52,559 And I wonder if there were any people 895 00:44:52,646 --> 00:44:55,693 in Germany in the early '40s 896 00:44:55,780 --> 00:44:58,304 who were like, "You know, 897 00:44:58,391 --> 00:45:03,918 I am really starting to regret my vote for Hitler. 898 00:45:04,005 --> 00:45:07,095 I mean, I was with him in the beginning, you know. 899 00:45:07,182 --> 00:45:11,970 But come on. Six million Jews? 900 00:45:12,057 --> 00:45:14,407 One million I could see. Two million, okay. 901 00:45:14,494 --> 00:45:17,715 But sorry, six million, I'm sorry, Mr. Hitler. 902 00:45:17,802 --> 00:45:20,065 But I'm a good Christian, so..." 903 00:45:22,763 --> 00:45:27,246 And I'm not comparing Trump voters to Nazis. Okay? 904 00:45:27,333 --> 00:45:28,943 No, I'm not. 905 00:45:29,030 --> 00:45:32,817 I'm comparing Trump voters to the German people 906 00:45:32,904 --> 00:45:34,470 who voted for the Nazi Party. 907 00:45:34,557 --> 00:45:37,604 -There's a difference. -[cheering] 908 00:45:37,691 --> 00:45:40,259 See if you can find it. 909 00:45:41,869 --> 00:45:45,743 I think about this world that we're giving 910 00:45:45,830 --> 00:45:47,309 to my daughter, I think about it daily. 911 00:45:47,396 --> 00:45:49,094 I think about it hourly. I've got a new kid. 912 00:45:49,181 --> 00:45:52,097 There's a sense of urgency now, and as admittedly cool 913 00:45:52,184 --> 00:45:55,187 and interesting as it's gonna be for her in the future 914 00:45:55,274 --> 00:45:57,363 when she's older, to be able to say, 915 00:45:57,450 --> 00:46:00,105 "Well, you know, I lived in the prequel to The Handmaid's Tale," 916 00:46:00,192 --> 00:46:03,282 I just don't think it's a... a good trade-off. 917 00:46:03,369 --> 00:46:06,198 And, you know, I do a lot of press for these shows. 918 00:46:06,285 --> 00:46:08,809 And there seems to be a general misconception 919 00:46:08,896 --> 00:46:12,552 that people have, where people would be like, 920 00:46:12,639 --> 00:46:15,033 "Boy, I know Trump sucks, 921 00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:16,948 but he must be the gift that keeps on giving 922 00:46:17,035 --> 00:46:18,645 for a comic, huh?" 923 00:46:18,732 --> 00:46:22,867 Uh, no. It's quite the opposite. 924 00:46:22,954 --> 00:46:26,479 I mean, for a couple reasons. One is there's no reveal. 925 00:46:26,566 --> 00:46:29,395 You know? There's no, like, he can't.. 926 00:46:29,482 --> 00:46:31,179 There's no joke you can make, like, "Well, 927 00:46:31,266 --> 00:46:34,400 look who turned out to be a real dick." You know? 928 00:46:34,487 --> 00:46:37,969 The guy-- he's is who he is. He was always that person. 929 00:46:38,056 --> 00:46:40,667 He's always an awful, reprehensible, shitty con man. 930 00:46:40,754 --> 00:46:43,583 You can't make fun of a... You can't do a Trump bit, 931 00:46:43,670 --> 00:46:45,585 in other words. Like, that... I had a bit 932 00:46:45,672 --> 00:46:47,108 when he said the "shithole countries" thing. 933 00:46:47,195 --> 00:46:48,631 It was pretty good. It made a point, 934 00:46:48,718 --> 00:46:50,198 it was like three minutes long. 935 00:46:50,285 --> 00:46:52,244 And then, you know, about 14 days later, 936 00:46:52,331 --> 00:46:54,376 people were like, "What are you talking about? 937 00:46:54,463 --> 00:46:56,117 That happened six years ago, right?" 938 00:46:56,204 --> 00:46:58,337 'Cause there's no permanence to it. There... 939 00:46:58,424 --> 00:47:00,992 You know, there's-- Every awful, outrageous, 940 00:47:01,079 --> 00:47:03,777 egregious thing he says is supplanted within an hour 941 00:47:03,864 --> 00:47:06,693 by something more awful and outrageous and egregious. 942 00:47:06,780 --> 00:47:08,477 And making fun of Trump 943 00:47:08,564 --> 00:47:12,177 is like making fun of the way a kaleidoscope looks 944 00:47:12,264 --> 00:47:15,093 right now, you know? 945 00:47:15,180 --> 00:47:17,922 It's... pointless. It's... 946 00:47:18,009 --> 00:47:20,141 There's no permanence to it. 947 00:47:20,228 --> 00:47:22,491 And... 948 00:47:23,797 --> 00:47:25,277 And I know there's a lot of speculation 949 00:47:25,364 --> 00:47:28,236 as to, you know, how will Trump leave office? 950 00:47:28,323 --> 00:47:29,672 You know? 951 00:47:29,759 --> 00:47:31,239 Will he serve out a full term? 952 00:47:31,326 --> 00:47:34,242 Or will he be forced to resign in shame? 953 00:47:34,329 --> 00:47:36,766 Or will he serve out two full terms? 954 00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:39,204 -Or... -[audience booing] 955 00:47:39,291 --> 00:47:42,468 Or three or four at the rate we're going? 956 00:47:42,555 --> 00:47:45,210 Or will he be arrested and sent to federal prison 957 00:47:45,297 --> 00:47:49,823 -for treason? Or... -[cheering] 958 00:47:49,910 --> 00:47:54,393 Or will he die of a massive coronary on a golden toilet? 959 00:47:54,480 --> 00:47:56,221 -[cheering] -Or... 960 00:47:56,308 --> 00:47:59,615 Or will he be assassinated by a group of caring nuns? 961 00:47:59,702 --> 00:48:01,269 -Or... -[cheering] 962 00:48:01,356 --> 00:48:05,056 Or will he succumb to the polonium-laced tea? 963 00:48:05,143 --> 00:48:08,059 Or will he be ripped apart by four horses 964 00:48:08,146 --> 00:48:10,496 going in different directions in the town square, 965 00:48:10,583 --> 00:48:13,238 as long as we're gonna keep going back to medieval days? 966 00:48:13,325 --> 00:48:17,459 Or will he be shot by a Nazi who travels through time 967 00:48:17,546 --> 00:48:19,940 to shoot Trump, going, "You're making us look bad." 968 00:48:20,027 --> 00:48:22,943 Or, um... or will that time-traveling Nazi 969 00:48:23,030 --> 00:48:25,293 be thwarted by time-traveling Richard Nixon 970 00:48:25,380 --> 00:48:27,252 who travels through time just past the Nazi 971 00:48:27,339 --> 00:48:29,254 so he can land there so when the Nazi shows up, 972 00:48:29,341 --> 00:48:30,951 he can shoot the Nazi and go, "Please, please, for my sake, 973 00:48:31,038 --> 00:48:34,172 let him live." You know. Or... 974 00:48:34,259 --> 00:48:38,785 Or... will he die of third-degree burns 975 00:48:38,872 --> 00:48:42,615 and shrapnel when the polygraph machine explodes? 976 00:48:42,702 --> 00:48:44,834 Or will he die of a perforated colon 977 00:48:44,922 --> 00:48:47,359 when Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity 978 00:48:47,446 --> 00:48:49,491 and Piers Morgan and Devin Nunes 979 00:48:49,578 --> 00:48:51,537 and Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell 980 00:48:51,624 --> 00:48:54,018 and Paul Rand and all the Fox and Pals 981 00:48:54,105 --> 00:48:56,977 all try to mount him simultaneously? 982 00:48:57,064 --> 00:48:59,153 We don't know. 983 00:48:59,240 --> 00:49:01,199 We don't know. 984 00:49:01,286 --> 00:49:03,592 We just don't know. 985 00:49:07,770 --> 00:49:10,208 And... 986 00:49:10,295 --> 00:49:12,775 [sighs] 987 00:49:12,862 --> 00:49:15,996 Here's the thing. Here's the thing. 988 00:49:16,083 --> 00:49:20,000 I'm... I'm an atheist, so I don't... 989 00:49:20,087 --> 00:49:23,786 -[cheering] -All right. Whatevs. 990 00:49:23,873 --> 00:49:25,701 Um... 991 00:49:25,788 --> 00:49:29,183 So I'm an atheist, so I don't believe in heaven or hell. 992 00:49:29,270 --> 00:49:32,099 Uh, not that you have to be an atheist 993 00:49:32,186 --> 00:49:33,971 not to believe in heaven or hell. 994 00:49:34,580 --> 00:49:36,886 But it helps. 995 00:49:38,236 --> 00:49:40,064 I think that should be the atheist slogan. 996 00:49:40,151 --> 00:49:44,068 There's a little Jewish rabbi... 997 00:49:45,939 --> 00:49:48,202 "You don't have to be an atheist 998 00:49:48,289 --> 00:49:51,249 not to believe in heaven or hell, but it helps!" 999 00:49:51,336 --> 00:49:54,817 It'd be very confusing. It'd be very confusing. 1000 00:49:54,904 --> 00:49:58,647 But yeah, so I don't believe in hell. 1001 00:49:58,734 --> 00:50:00,867 So I don't think that Donald Trump is going 1002 00:50:00,954 --> 00:50:02,782 to burn in hell for all eternity 1003 00:50:02,869 --> 00:50:06,351 for the crimes he's visited to America and other people. 1004 00:50:06,438 --> 00:50:09,006 And understand, I'm not denigrating the idea 1005 00:50:09,093 --> 00:50:10,833 of heaven or hell, it's an awesome... 1006 00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:13,880 It's a great concept. It's a wonderful concept. 1007 00:50:13,967 --> 00:50:16,230 And I see its purpose, you know, it allows 1008 00:50:16,317 --> 00:50:20,495 people to feel good about what is, you know, 1009 00:50:20,582 --> 00:50:22,889 clearly, since time immemorial, 1010 00:50:22,976 --> 00:50:25,109 the injustice that happens in this world 1011 00:50:25,196 --> 00:50:28,547 where people treat other people, their fellow human beings, 1012 00:50:28,634 --> 00:50:32,072 just awfully and you can say, "Well, this guy... 1013 00:50:32,159 --> 00:50:35,206 Yes, this guy enriched himself and his family 1014 00:50:35,293 --> 00:50:38,035 directly through the pain and suffering and deaths of others 1015 00:50:38,122 --> 00:50:40,776 and lived this life of luxury, but he'll be punished 1016 00:50:40,863 --> 00:50:42,343 in the afterlife, you know." 1017 00:50:42,430 --> 00:50:44,258 And then the inverse is true, of course, 1018 00:50:44,345 --> 00:50:46,565 "This person who is selfless and lived this impoverished life 1019 00:50:46,652 --> 00:50:48,436 where they were just trying desperately 1020 00:50:48,523 --> 00:50:50,960 to campaign for clean water in their village 1021 00:50:51,048 --> 00:50:52,875 and then they were arrested and tortured and raped 1022 00:50:52,962 --> 00:50:54,529 and eventually killed by an assassin's bullet 1023 00:50:54,616 --> 00:50:56,705 from the United Fruit Company or Monsanto 1024 00:50:56,792 --> 00:50:59,056 or Union Carbide or Exxon or whoever the fuck it is, 1025 00:50:59,143 --> 00:51:00,579 you know, they lived that kind of life, 1026 00:51:00,666 --> 00:51:02,929 but they'll be rewarded in heaven." 1027 00:51:03,016 --> 00:51:05,236 And it's a great concept. 1028 00:51:05,323 --> 00:51:07,020 And I get why people, you know, 1029 00:51:07,107 --> 00:51:09,153 hundreds and hundreds of years ago believed in it, 1030 00:51:09,240 --> 00:51:11,068 before there was science 1031 00:51:11,155 --> 00:51:13,592 and... and an understanding 1032 00:51:13,679 --> 00:51:15,550 of how the Bible was actually written 1033 00:51:15,637 --> 00:51:17,204 and came to be. And I get it. 1034 00:51:17,291 --> 00:51:19,380 You know, those people were dumb. 1035 00:51:19,467 --> 00:51:20,947 You know? 1036 00:51:21,034 --> 00:51:22,905 I mean, dumber than we are now. 1037 00:51:22,992 --> 00:51:24,951 And we're dumb. We are dumb. 1038 00:51:25,038 --> 00:51:26,648 We're dumb-- we're a dumb species. 1039 00:51:26,735 --> 00:51:30,130 We're... we're so dumb, mankind didn't even invent 1040 00:51:30,217 --> 00:51:33,264 the sandwich until the 18th century. 1041 00:51:33,351 --> 00:51:35,266 That's how dumb we are as a species. 1042 00:51:35,353 --> 00:51:38,051 I mean, literally thousands of years of people going... 1043 00:51:38,138 --> 00:51:42,751 [grunting] "There's got to be a better way!" You know... 1044 00:51:46,277 --> 00:51:47,800 And... but anyway, yes. 1045 00:51:47,887 --> 00:51:49,932 I'm saying it's a great idea, great concept. 1046 00:51:50,019 --> 00:51:52,761 And I wish, you know, I just can't believe in it 1047 00:51:52,848 --> 00:51:56,809 'cause, you know, I'm not a child. So... 1048 00:51:56,896 --> 00:51:59,072 So because I don't believe in hell, 1049 00:51:59,159 --> 00:52:02,467 and I also... I don't believe, and I hope I'm wrong, 1050 00:52:02,554 --> 00:52:04,208 but I don't believe he's gonna go to jail. 1051 00:52:04,295 --> 00:52:06,862 I think he's guilty, he's monumentally guilty. 1052 00:52:06,949 --> 00:52:09,038 But I don't think he's gonna go to jail because I think 1053 00:52:09,126 --> 00:52:11,824 that is gonna be part of the grand bargain 1054 00:52:11,911 --> 00:52:13,826 that America will make with him 1055 00:52:13,913 --> 00:52:15,784 because we'll be so psychically scarred 1056 00:52:15,871 --> 00:52:18,657 after however many years of Trump we have, 1057 00:52:18,744 --> 00:52:21,312 that we're just gonna go like, "Just go away. 1058 00:52:21,399 --> 00:52:23,531 We won't put you in jail, just go the fuck away. 1059 00:52:23,618 --> 00:52:26,665 Just go away, leave us alone, don't tweet, don't talk, 1060 00:52:26,752 --> 00:52:29,233 don't appear on TV, go away, get out of here, 1061 00:52:29,320 --> 00:52:31,452 and we won't put you-- In fact, we got you an island. 1062 00:52:31,539 --> 00:52:32,975 We got you your own island. 1063 00:52:33,062 --> 00:52:34,760 And it's great. And everybody chipped in. 1064 00:52:34,847 --> 00:52:37,415 Canada, Mexico, the EU, everybody chipped in. 1065 00:52:37,502 --> 00:52:39,156 And it's great, you're gonna love it, Donald. 1066 00:52:39,243 --> 00:52:41,201 It is beautiful. You can do whatever you want there, 1067 00:52:41,288 --> 00:52:43,029 have as much Diet Coke and McDonald's 1068 00:52:43,116 --> 00:52:44,726 and fuck other men's wives as you want. 1069 00:52:44,813 --> 00:52:47,903 It's gonna be great. And we're gonna pay robots 1070 00:52:47,990 --> 00:52:49,992 to tell you how awesome you are 24 hours a day. 1071 00:52:50,079 --> 00:52:51,994 And everything's gold! It's all gold! 1072 00:52:52,081 --> 00:52:55,215 Gold chairs and gold towels and golden showers. 1073 00:52:55,302 --> 00:52:58,000 You are gonna love it. It's so up your alley. 1074 00:52:58,087 --> 00:52:59,698 Just go, get the fuck away from us, 1075 00:52:59,785 --> 00:53:01,526 take your shitty fucking criminal family with you, 1076 00:53:01,613 --> 00:53:03,092 and get the fuck out and leave us alone. 1077 00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:05,660 Let America become a decent place again." 1078 00:53:05,747 --> 00:53:08,620 -[cheering] -So... 1079 00:53:12,667 --> 00:53:14,626 So because I don't think he'll be punished, 1080 00:53:14,713 --> 00:53:17,106 because I think he will get away with it, 1081 00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:21,589 all I have, really, is this fantasy 1082 00:53:21,676 --> 00:53:24,462 that I'm going to share with you, my Trump fantasy. 1083 00:53:24,549 --> 00:53:29,554 And it's actually viable. We could make it happen. 1084 00:53:29,641 --> 00:53:31,599 We could make it work if we wanted to. 1085 00:53:31,686 --> 00:53:34,298 And for the sake of the rest of this bit, 1086 00:53:34,385 --> 00:53:36,909 just for the next few minutes, uh, 1087 00:53:36,996 --> 00:53:39,390 I'm going to assume, and I'm probably wrong, 1088 00:53:39,477 --> 00:53:41,522 but I'm going to assume that everyone in this building 1089 00:53:41,609 --> 00:53:45,265 wants to get rid of Donald Trump as soon as humanly possible. 1090 00:53:45,352 --> 00:53:47,572 -[cheering] -So... 1091 00:53:47,659 --> 00:53:50,836 So if that's the case, 1092 00:53:50,923 --> 00:53:53,055 that means you have to vote 1093 00:53:53,142 --> 00:53:56,363 for whoever the Democratic candidate is in 2020. 1094 00:53:56,450 --> 00:53:58,496 A bitter pill to swallow, but you have to do it. 1095 00:53:58,583 --> 00:54:00,280 I've done it myself. 1096 00:54:00,367 --> 00:54:02,630 And it sucks 'cause, you know, Democrats suck as well. 1097 00:54:02,717 --> 00:54:06,634 They suck, but they're not evil. They're not fucking evil. 1098 00:54:06,721 --> 00:54:09,289 And... and so you have to do that. 1099 00:54:09,376 --> 00:54:12,684 And also, please, don't pipe up in the middle and go, 1100 00:54:12,771 --> 00:54:14,903 "Um, actually, David, I'm in the DSA 1101 00:54:14,990 --> 00:54:17,341 and we are going to nominate a used copy 1102 00:54:17,428 --> 00:54:20,387 of Manufacturing Consent to be president. 1103 00:54:20,474 --> 00:54:23,303 'Cause we think that'd be a better candidate 1104 00:54:23,390 --> 00:54:26,480 than two corporate shills..." All right, yeah. Great. 1105 00:54:26,567 --> 00:54:30,005 I'm in the DSA as well, I share your philosophies, 1106 00:54:30,092 --> 00:54:32,269 but let's be realistic and let's take those little fantasies, 1107 00:54:32,356 --> 00:54:34,227 put 'em in a Ziploc bag, we'll put them in the freezer, 1108 00:54:34,314 --> 00:54:37,099 we'll get 'em out after 2020 when America becomes 1109 00:54:37,186 --> 00:54:40,146 a viable place to live again, if you're not white. 1110 00:54:40,233 --> 00:54:43,976 So... all the Democrats get together 1111 00:54:44,063 --> 00:54:47,762 and secretly pick a candidate 1112 00:54:47,849 --> 00:54:49,634 for president of the United States 1113 00:54:49,721 --> 00:54:52,637 who's truly a badass motherfucker. 1114 00:54:52,724 --> 00:54:55,640 Like a true hard guy. 1115 00:54:55,727 --> 00:54:59,252 A real... you know, somebody who's very vocally anti-Trump. 1116 00:54:59,339 --> 00:55:02,516 You know, somebody-- and again, an honest, 1117 00:55:02,603 --> 00:55:04,692 son of a bitch, tough motherfucker. 1118 00:55:04,779 --> 00:55:08,696 And I'm suggesting Ron Perlman. All right? 1119 00:55:08,783 --> 00:55:11,873 So... so Ron Perlman 1120 00:55:11,960 --> 00:55:14,615 is the candidate for president of the United States. 1121 00:55:14,702 --> 00:55:17,836 And he-- you know, 'cause we all learned in school, 1122 00:55:17,923 --> 00:55:20,099 through movies and TV shows and books, 1123 00:55:20,186 --> 00:55:21,666 how to deal with a bully. 1124 00:55:21,753 --> 00:55:23,581 We understand how to deal with a bully. 1125 00:55:23,668 --> 00:55:25,409 And that's what Trump is. So we get this fucking badass 1126 00:55:25,496 --> 00:55:27,933 motherfucker, tough guy, Ron Perlman. 1127 00:55:28,020 --> 00:55:31,153 He runs for president, and then his vice presidential pick 1128 00:55:31,240 --> 00:55:33,721 is the person we really want to be president, you know. 1129 00:55:33,808 --> 00:55:35,375 Whoever that is, whether that's, you know, 1130 00:55:35,462 --> 00:55:37,421 Warren or Sanders, Harris or Booker, 1131 00:55:37,508 --> 00:55:38,683 whoever the fuck it is, so... 1132 00:55:38,770 --> 00:55:41,338 But for these purposes, 1133 00:55:41,425 --> 00:55:43,818 the Democratic candidate is Ron Perlman. 1134 00:55:43,905 --> 00:55:47,735 And then, because we've decided all this in advance, 1135 00:55:47,822 --> 00:55:50,042 there's no campaigning, there's no canvassing, 1136 00:55:50,129 --> 00:55:52,087 there's no focus group, there's no polling, 1137 00:55:52,174 --> 00:55:55,439 there's no ad buy-outs, there's not even a convention. 1138 00:55:55,526 --> 00:55:58,659 And then we take the literally tens of billions and billions 1139 00:55:58,746 --> 00:56:01,314 and billions and billions of dollars we'd save doing that 1140 00:56:01,401 --> 00:56:03,229 and we actually pay teachers a decent wage 1141 00:56:03,316 --> 00:56:06,450 and we feed kids who are hungry and we help with the homeless, 1142 00:56:06,537 --> 00:56:08,887 we help our veterans, and we take all the money 1143 00:56:08,974 --> 00:56:11,455 that the Republicans took away and gave to themselves, 1144 00:56:11,542 --> 00:56:13,500 and then we put it back and actually do some good with it, 1145 00:56:13,587 --> 00:56:17,286 some social work, some socialistic work 1146 00:56:17,374 --> 00:56:19,941 you might call it, and... 1147 00:56:20,028 --> 00:56:22,466 And then we just wait for the debates. 1148 00:56:22,553 --> 00:56:23,902 'Cause that's what it's really about. 1149 00:56:23,989 --> 00:56:25,469 We're just waiting for the debates. 1150 00:56:25,556 --> 00:56:27,471 And then finally the big day comes! 1151 00:56:27,558 --> 00:56:29,168 The big day comes, it's the debate, 1152 00:56:29,255 --> 00:56:33,999 "Live from the YMCA in Chinatown in Youngstown, Ohio, 1153 00:56:34,086 --> 00:56:38,699 it's the whatever it is debates for the presidency! 1154 00:56:38,786 --> 00:56:40,527 Sponsored by the Daughters of the Confederacy 1155 00:56:40,614 --> 00:56:44,749 and My Pillow. Now, please welcome to the stage, 1156 00:56:44,836 --> 00:56:48,883 President of the United States Donald Trump!" 1157 00:56:48,970 --> 00:56:51,408 [humming tune] "Yes, I'm Donald Trump. 1158 00:56:51,495 --> 00:56:53,018 I'm the greatest president that ever lived. 1159 00:56:53,105 --> 00:56:54,585 I accomplished more in my first nine days 1160 00:56:54,672 --> 00:56:56,195 than all my predecessors combined. 1161 00:56:56,282 --> 00:56:59,503 I invented water and I can bend space and time." 1162 00:56:59,590 --> 00:57:02,288 All right. Sounds good. 1163 00:57:02,375 --> 00:57:05,291 "And now here's the Democratic candidate for president, 1164 00:57:05,378 --> 00:57:07,336 Ron Perlman!" 1165 00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:09,208 And Ron could wear his Hellboyoutfit if he wants. 1166 00:57:09,295 --> 00:57:11,515 It's fine. He can wear his Sons of Anarchy, 1167 00:57:11,602 --> 00:57:13,604 doesn't matter, whatever he wants. 1168 00:57:13,691 --> 00:57:15,214 Hellboy, Sons...dress up whatever the fuck he wants. 1169 00:57:15,301 --> 00:57:16,650 And they're like, "All right, Mr. Perlman, 1170 00:57:16,737 --> 00:57:17,956 you have five minutes to respond." 1171 00:57:18,043 --> 00:57:19,740 He's like, "Oh, I don't need five minutes." 1172 00:57:19,827 --> 00:57:21,655 And he goes over there and he just fucking pops... 1173 00:57:21,742 --> 00:57:25,354 He punches Trump, but... but he doesn't punch him this way. 1174 00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:27,705 He punches him kind of down, so Trump just immediately 1175 00:57:27,792 --> 00:57:29,794 crumples to the ground, and he's pounding him, 1176 00:57:29,881 --> 00:57:31,970 pound, pound, pound, pound 1177 00:57:32,057 --> 00:57:33,711 pounding him, pounding him! 1178 00:57:33,798 --> 00:57:35,408 And I don't know if you've seen Ron Perlman's fists, 1179 00:57:35,495 --> 00:57:37,366 they're fucking huge, his hands are huge. 1180 00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:39,543 One of his hands is like as big as nine of my asses... 1181 00:57:39,630 --> 00:57:41,806 Pound! Pound! Pound! 1182 00:57:41,893 --> 00:57:44,330 And then Secret Service is like, "Holy shit!" 1183 00:57:44,417 --> 00:57:45,853 You know, and they come running up. 1184 00:57:45,940 --> 00:57:47,768 But Ron Perlman has anticipated all this. 1185 00:57:47,855 --> 00:57:50,249 So he's pre-greased himself, so he's slipping away. 1186 00:57:50,336 --> 00:57:54,035 [grunts] He's got steel-tipped boots on. 1187 00:57:54,122 --> 00:57:55,950 Boom! Right in the teeth! Boom! 1188 00:57:56,037 --> 00:57:59,519 And then they separate them, "Mr. Perlman! 1189 00:57:59,606 --> 00:58:02,174 How... stop that! 1190 00:58:02,261 --> 00:58:05,090 Stop it! Go over there." 1191 00:58:06,570 --> 00:58:09,486 And Trump's laying on the ground moaning. 1192 00:58:09,573 --> 00:58:12,271 He's clearly shit himself. 1193 00:58:13,881 --> 00:58:16,623 But the debates have to continue for democracy's sake. 1194 00:58:16,710 --> 00:58:18,582 This is America, the great experiment. 1195 00:58:18,669 --> 00:58:21,802 So Trump's team gets over, they lift him up, 1196 00:58:21,889 --> 00:58:24,152 they take him back to the wings, they give him a quick wipe, 1197 00:58:24,239 --> 00:58:28,113 a quick bump, get him back out there... 1198 00:58:28,200 --> 00:58:29,723 He's... [grunts] 1199 00:58:29,810 --> 00:58:33,031 "I don't know what... That didn't hurt. Ahem. 1200 00:58:33,118 --> 00:58:35,468 Didn't hurt at all, Rotten Ronnie 1201 00:58:35,555 --> 00:58:38,427 and his small hands, he has small hands, so it didn't... 1202 00:58:38,515 --> 00:58:42,823 didn't really hurt. My hands are bigger than his hands. 1203 00:58:42,910 --> 00:58:45,783 He's got little Rubio hands." You know. 1204 00:58:45,870 --> 00:58:48,699 And then, "All right, Mr. Perlman. 1205 00:58:48,786 --> 00:58:50,483 You have five minutes to respond. 1206 00:58:50,570 --> 00:58:53,094 And no monkey business. Okay? No monkey business." 1207 00:58:53,181 --> 00:58:55,967 "Yes, I get it." But again, Ron Perlman has anticipated 1208 00:58:56,054 --> 00:58:58,447 all this stuff so he's built thrusters into his shoes. 1209 00:58:58,535 --> 00:59:01,276 So he like launches and he grabs Trump and he slams him! 1210 00:59:01,363 --> 00:59:02,974 Slams him on the ground! Boom, boom! 1211 00:59:03,061 --> 00:59:05,759 He's fucking pounding away! And there's no give, 1212 00:59:05,846 --> 00:59:07,413 there's nowhere for the back of his head to go! 1213 00:59:07,500 --> 00:59:09,067 And his fist is going through him, 1214 00:59:09,154 --> 00:59:10,242 it's like that scene in Irreversible. 1215 00:59:10,329 --> 00:59:11,896 He's just fucking pounding him! 1216 00:59:11,983 --> 00:59:13,724 And... and Trump is just made 1217 00:59:13,811 --> 00:59:15,726 of rotten, congealed, racist flesh. 1218 00:59:15,813 --> 00:59:19,381 So bits of esophagus and bloody cheek are coming up. 1219 00:59:19,468 --> 00:59:20,905 And then Secret Service is like, "Holy shit!" 1220 00:59:20,992 --> 00:59:23,168 And they get him and they take him out like, 1221 00:59:23,255 --> 00:59:25,257 "Stop it, Mr. Perlman! 1222 00:59:25,344 --> 00:59:28,260 You-- that's enough! 1223 00:59:28,347 --> 00:59:30,915 That is enough. Go to the green room. 1224 00:59:31,002 --> 00:59:34,571 You've upset a handful of people. Now, stop it!" 1225 00:59:39,010 --> 00:59:41,795 And Trump's lying there, moaning, 1226 00:59:41,882 --> 00:59:45,669 a bloody pulp, bloody mess, just moaning. 1227 00:59:45,756 --> 00:59:49,934 And... barely conscious. 1228 00:59:51,152 --> 00:59:53,111 But... 1229 00:59:53,198 --> 00:59:56,070 because it's my fantasy... 1230 00:59:57,071 --> 00:59:58,682 I'm there. So I run up. 1231 00:59:58,769 --> 01:00:00,727 "Please, I'm a trained medic! I'm a trained EMT! 1232 01:00:00,814 --> 01:00:02,729 Unloosen his tie, loosen his collar! 1233 01:00:02,816 --> 01:00:05,297 I know how to resuscitate him! I know how to resuscitate him! 1234 01:00:05,384 --> 01:00:09,083 This... Da,this is good, huh, comrade? 1235 01:00:09,170 --> 01:00:11,477 Da,you like this, comrade! 1236 01:00:11,564 --> 01:00:15,437 You... you like this, comrade, wake up, wake up! 1237 01:00:15,524 --> 01:00:16,961 Usually that works, okay. 1238 01:00:17,048 --> 01:00:18,789 Ma'am I'm gonna need you to come over here 1239 01:00:18,876 --> 01:00:20,312 and apply pressure to his sternum. One, two, three. 1240 01:00:20,399 --> 01:00:21,661 Sir, get up here, unloosen his collar, 1241 01:00:21,748 --> 01:00:23,228 pull his tongue back, clear a passageway. 1242 01:00:23,315 --> 01:00:25,404 Clear a passageway!" 1243 01:00:25,491 --> 01:00:27,711 [farting sound] 1244 01:00:27,798 --> 01:00:30,496 "Clear it, goddamn it!" [farting sound] 1245 01:00:30,583 --> 01:00:32,846 "I know what I'm doing! I had lamb vindaloo last night!" 1246 01:00:32,933 --> 01:00:35,283 [farting sound] 1247 01:00:35,370 --> 01:00:40,071 "Open up his fucking eyes!" [farting sound] 1248 01:00:40,158 --> 01:00:42,769 "Nice release, Mr. Cross." "Thank you very much." 1249 01:00:42,856 --> 01:00:44,989 [farting sound] 1250 01:00:45,076 --> 01:00:50,603 [cheering, applause] 1251 01:00:57,436 --> 01:00:59,917 Now, folks... 1252 01:01:00,004 --> 01:01:02,702 I know... 1253 01:01:02,789 --> 01:01:04,791 that that bit... 1254 01:01:04,878 --> 01:01:07,664 isn't particularly clever. 1255 01:01:09,970 --> 01:01:12,494 It's not erudite. 1256 01:01:14,453 --> 01:01:18,022 In fact, it's crass, 1257 01:01:18,109 --> 01:01:20,198 and it's disrespectful. 1258 01:01:20,285 --> 01:01:22,766 [cheering] 1259 01:01:22,853 --> 01:01:25,116 But... 1260 01:01:27,292 --> 01:01:29,642 it makes me feel really good. 1261 01:01:29,729 --> 01:01:32,384 And that's all I got in this shithole country. 1262 01:01:32,471 --> 01:01:33,907 Thank you, Asheville! 1263 01:01:33,994 --> 01:01:36,562 Thank you guys so much! 1264 01:01:36,649 --> 01:01:39,696 Thank you for being a part of this. 1265 01:01:39,783 --> 01:01:40,827 Thank you, guys. 1266 01:01:40,914 --> 01:01:43,874 Thank you, guys, so much. 1267 01:02:11,902 --> 01:02:14,121 Thank you, guys. 1268 01:02:14,208 --> 01:02:16,080 Thank you, guys. 1269 01:02:16,776 --> 01:02:22,521 I did not say sit down. 1270 01:02:22,608 --> 01:02:24,436 So, obviously, I was making all that stuff up 1271 01:02:24,523 --> 01:02:26,786 about having a kid. I don't have a kid. 1272 01:02:26,873 --> 01:02:28,353 I don't have a kid. 1273 01:02:28,440 --> 01:02:29,789 No-- guys, no. 1274 01:02:29,876 --> 01:02:33,662 I do not have a kid. No. No, thank you. 1275 01:02:35,229 --> 01:02:39,451 Before I go, I want to leave you with this one last story. 1276 01:02:39,538 --> 01:02:41,627 And it's a story, all true, 1277 01:02:41,714 --> 01:02:47,764 about a... what I think is a rare opportunity 1278 01:02:47,851 --> 01:02:52,638 that one could have to find out who they are. 1279 01:02:52,725 --> 01:02:55,336 You know, what they're made of. And this is a story 1280 01:02:55,423 --> 01:02:59,688 about my opportunity... 1281 01:02:59,776 --> 01:03:03,562 to know what stuff I'm made of. You know what I mean? 1282 01:03:03,649 --> 01:03:08,959 Like, you know when you read or see a news story 1283 01:03:09,046 --> 01:03:11,352 about an act of bravery 1284 01:03:11,439 --> 01:03:13,964 or heroism where somebody had to make an instantaneous decision, 1285 01:03:14,051 --> 01:03:17,228 they ran into a burning building or a baby was dangling, 1286 01:03:17,315 --> 01:03:19,491 they leapt across a balcony and they, you know, 1287 01:03:19,578 --> 01:03:23,321 saved this baby or the guys, the 9/11 guys 1288 01:03:23,408 --> 01:03:26,933 who stormed the cockpit, you know, in Pennsylvania 1289 01:03:27,020 --> 01:03:29,849 in that plane, or the three guys on the train in Paris, 1290 01:03:29,936 --> 01:03:31,503 the one they made a movie out of them, 1291 01:03:31,590 --> 01:03:32,939 stormed the terrorists. 1292 01:03:33,026 --> 01:03:35,681 We read stories, we see those stories, 1293 01:03:35,768 --> 01:03:38,684 and we think, "What would I have done 1294 01:03:38,771 --> 01:03:40,381 in that situation?" 1295 01:03:40,468 --> 01:03:42,688 And literally every single person in this room 1296 01:03:42,775 --> 01:03:44,255 has thought that before. 1297 01:03:44,342 --> 01:03:46,083 "What would I have done in that situation?" 1298 01:03:46,170 --> 01:03:49,303 And we like to think we know. But do we really know? 1299 01:03:49,390 --> 01:03:52,916 And so this is a story about when I 1300 01:03:53,003 --> 01:03:56,702 was faced with immediate impending danger, 1301 01:03:56,789 --> 01:04:00,880 and I'm not talking about the kind of slow-motion thing, 1302 01:04:00,967 --> 01:04:02,839 where, you know, you've got time to think it out, 1303 01:04:02,926 --> 01:04:04,492 where you're on the subway and there's... 1304 01:04:04,579 --> 01:04:05,929 "Boy, this guy's acting really crazy. 1305 01:04:06,016 --> 01:04:08,322 And he seems nuts and maybe violent. 1306 01:04:08,409 --> 01:04:10,020 There's some kids and an elderly couple 1307 01:04:10,107 --> 01:04:12,109 and a pregnant lady. Shit, what am I gonna do? 1308 01:04:12,196 --> 01:04:14,372 All right, if he starts popping off, 1309 01:04:14,459 --> 01:04:16,548 okay, um, all right, what I gonna-- 1310 01:04:16,635 --> 01:04:18,158 Oh, I know what I'll do. I'll jump up 1311 01:04:18,245 --> 01:04:20,160 and I'll grab the pole and I'll pull myself up 1312 01:04:20,247 --> 01:04:23,250 and I'll come down with the heel of my boot onto his head, 1313 01:04:23,337 --> 01:04:25,035 and then I'll come down and I'll get him 1314 01:04:25,122 --> 01:04:27,646 with the fucking elbow right to his eyeball socket 1315 01:04:27,733 --> 01:04:29,604 and then I'll go down and I'll shove my palm 1316 01:04:29,691 --> 01:04:32,738 into his nose and his nose will splinter into his brain." 1317 01:04:32,825 --> 01:04:35,741 You know, I'm not talking about that, you know, 1318 01:04:35,828 --> 01:04:40,006 Bas Rutten self-defense type of shit. Um... 1319 01:04:40,093 --> 01:04:42,095 I'm talking like this. 1320 01:04:42,182 --> 01:04:43,923 So this is a story about that. 1321 01:04:44,010 --> 01:04:49,189 So roughly four years ago, my wife and I were upstate 1322 01:04:49,276 --> 01:04:51,061 in New York, we have a house in upstate New York. 1323 01:04:51,148 --> 01:04:53,933 In the woods, tiny town, middle of nowhere. 1324 01:04:54,020 --> 01:04:56,327 There's no one around. There is nobody. 1325 01:04:56,414 --> 01:04:58,546 And... 1326 01:04:58,633 --> 01:05:02,202 my wife had taken a shower. 1327 01:05:02,289 --> 01:05:05,162 And we have a steam shower, so she had opened up the windows 1328 01:05:05,249 --> 01:05:09,340 to the bathroom, and it's a big glass door. 1329 01:05:09,427 --> 01:05:12,169 So she had opened that to let the steam out 1330 01:05:12,256 --> 01:05:14,780 and closed, we have like a barn door, sliding barn door, 1331 01:05:14,867 --> 01:05:19,393 closed the door, and went downstairs. 1332 01:05:19,480 --> 01:05:22,962 And 20 minutes later, 1333 01:05:23,049 --> 01:05:24,703 "Okay, I'm gonna take a shower." 1334 01:05:24,790 --> 01:05:27,358 And I go upstairs to take a shower. 1335 01:05:27,445 --> 01:05:33,799 It's dark out, just one... one light behind me. 1336 01:05:33,886 --> 01:05:36,410 I go to take a shower. 1337 01:05:36,497 --> 01:05:40,632 And I'm naked, which is how I like to shower now. 1338 01:05:40,719 --> 01:05:43,374 And... I go... 1339 01:05:43,461 --> 01:05:47,378 -[cheering] -Uh... 1340 01:05:49,597 --> 01:05:51,425 And I open the door, it's a small bathroom, 1341 01:05:51,512 --> 01:05:54,994 open the door to go take a shower, 1342 01:05:55,081 --> 01:05:56,953 and there's a guy coming at me. 1343 01:05:57,040 --> 01:05:59,607 And when I tell you all the things I'm about to tell you, 1344 01:05:59,694 --> 01:06:01,479 when I tell you all the things I'm about to express, 1345 01:06:01,566 --> 01:06:03,350 these things that go through your head, 1346 01:06:03,437 --> 01:06:05,265 there's no time, all these things went through my-- 1347 01:06:05,352 --> 01:06:06,832 But it was like that, instantaneous, 1348 01:06:06,919 --> 01:06:09,139 how I had to react in this. And we're-- 1349 01:06:09,226 --> 01:06:10,705 It's just on the second floor, immediate like, 1350 01:06:10,792 --> 01:06:12,229 who is this guy, how did he get there, 1351 01:06:12,316 --> 01:06:14,013 did he climb up, did he come through the window, 1352 01:06:14,100 --> 01:06:15,754 was he waiting, he's been waiting there 1353 01:06:15,841 --> 01:06:17,364 for like 20 minutes? 'Cause it's been 20 minutes. 1354 01:06:17,451 --> 01:06:19,105 When did he fucking get there, who is this guy? 1355 01:06:19,192 --> 01:06:20,498 And he's coming-- he is coming at me double time. 1356 01:06:20,585 --> 01:06:22,456 This guy's coming at me like this with purpose. 1357 01:06:22,543 --> 01:06:24,067 Looking me right in the fucking eyes. 1358 01:06:24,154 --> 01:06:27,070 And he's coming at me, and he's naked. 1359 01:06:27,157 --> 01:06:28,941 He's naked and he's... 1360 01:06:29,028 --> 01:06:31,335 And I'm like, "Who's this fucking crazy naked motherfucker 1361 01:06:31,422 --> 01:06:33,424 in the upstate naked bathroom killer guy? 1362 01:06:33,511 --> 01:06:36,905 What the fuck is going on?" And I'm the line of defense 1363 01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:40,126 between... it's me and my wife who's downstairs, 1364 01:06:40,213 --> 01:06:42,650 you know, in front of the fire with our shitty dog. 1365 01:06:42,737 --> 01:06:45,392 And then-- and I'm... and I'm it. 1366 01:06:45,479 --> 01:06:49,005 I'm it. And this fucking crazy motherfucker's coming at me, 1367 01:06:49,092 --> 01:06:50,745 and I do not have time to process 1368 01:06:50,832 --> 01:06:53,618 that it's my own reflection coming at me. And... 1369 01:06:53,705 --> 01:06:57,535 And this is how I reacted to imminent danger, all right? 1370 01:06:57,622 --> 01:06:59,711 As the protector of my wife and myself. 1371 01:06:59,798 --> 01:07:03,062 This is what I said. This is who I am. I went, 1372 01:07:03,149 --> 01:07:05,717 "Oh, come on." 1373 01:07:09,721 --> 01:07:12,463 "Oh, come on?" 1374 01:07:12,550 --> 01:07:14,682 I don't even know what the fuck that means! 1375 01:07:14,769 --> 01:07:16,728 I don't know what I'm thinking! I don't know what is-- 1376 01:07:16,815 --> 01:07:18,904 What does that mean? That's who I am? 1377 01:07:18,991 --> 01:07:20,862 That's what I'm made of. I don't know, 1378 01:07:20,949 --> 01:07:24,214 am I trying to appeal to his sense of creativity or pride? 1379 01:07:24,301 --> 01:07:26,042 Like, I don't know what that means! 1380 01:07:26,129 --> 01:07:27,652 Like, you know, "Oh, come on. Are you really gonna-- 1381 01:07:27,739 --> 01:07:29,262 Oh, you're stabbing me. Oh, that's great. 1382 01:07:29,349 --> 01:07:31,221 Well, that's been done a million times. 1383 01:07:31,308 --> 01:07:34,093 Kind of hacky! No, that's not a pun. I wouldn't do that. 1384 01:07:34,180 --> 01:07:36,878 All right. Well, don't worry about the dog. 1385 01:07:36,965 --> 01:07:40,099 The dog won't give you any trouble. 1386 01:07:40,186 --> 01:07:44,582 Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. 1387 01:07:44,669 --> 01:07:48,934 Oh, thank God I'm not a father. I'd be the most useless father. 1388 01:07:49,021 --> 01:07:53,373 Oh, God, I'm... I'm bleeding out. 1389 01:07:53,460 --> 01:07:58,161 This is it. This... this is it. 1390 01:07:58,248 --> 01:08:00,250 Well... 1391 01:08:00,337 --> 01:08:03,862 at least I'm not in Santa Monica." 1392 01:08:03,949 --> 01:08:06,908 All right, Asheville. All right! 1393 01:08:06,995 --> 01:08:09,911 You guys... thank you, guys. 1394 01:08:09,998 --> 01:08:12,740 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 1395 01:08:12,827 --> 01:08:15,134 -Thank you, guys. -[music plays] 1396 01:08:15,221 --> 01:08:18,833 Again, great town. Great club. 1397 01:08:18,920 --> 01:08:20,400 Orange Peel, thank you to the Orange Peel. 1398 01:08:20,487 --> 01:08:24,143 Thank all of y'all. You guys are awesome. 1399 01:08:24,230 --> 01:08:25,623 Thank you. 1400 01:08:25,710 --> 01:08:28,016 ♪ At the bottom of a swamp ♪ 1401 01:08:28,104 --> 01:08:31,107 ♪ There was no air But to be clear ♪ 1402 01:08:31,194 --> 01:08:34,458 ♪ Darkness was all you wanted ♪ 1403 01:08:39,637 --> 01:08:42,988 ♪ To see the rot in no disguise ♪ 1404 01:08:43,075 --> 01:08:45,643 ♪ Oh, what a time to be alive ♪ 1405 01:08:45,730 --> 01:08:49,081 ♪ The scum, the shame The fucking lies ♪ 1406 01:08:49,168 --> 01:08:52,128 ♪ Oh, what a time to be alive ♪ 1407 01:08:52,215 --> 01:08:55,783 ♪ Oh, what a time to be alive ♪ 1408 01:08:57,176 --> 01:09:00,614 ♪ Oh, what a time ♪ 1409 01:09:06,751 --> 01:09:08,579 ♪ To be alive ♪ 1410 01:09:08,666 --> 01:09:10,450 [announcer] Yes, indeed, what a time to be alive, 1411 01:09:10,537 --> 01:09:12,539 ladies and gentlemen, she's and he's, 1412 01:09:12,626 --> 01:09:15,629 they's and z's, are you ready 1413 01:09:15,716 --> 01:09:17,892 to have your funny bones shattered? 1414 01:09:17,979 --> 01:09:21,679 Are you ready prepared to have your tickle skeletons crushed? 1415 01:09:21,766 --> 01:09:23,637 I can't hear you! 1416 01:09:23,724 --> 01:09:25,596 Seriously, I'm in a recording booth in LA, 1417 01:09:25,683 --> 01:09:28,860 so I'm gonna assume that you said, "Hell, yeah!" 1418 01:09:28,947 --> 01:09:30,949 Well, then please welcome to the stage, 1419 01:09:31,036 --> 01:09:33,517 America's littlest sweetheart, 1420 01:09:33,604 --> 01:09:38,522 give it up for David Cross! 1421 01:09:38,609 --> 01:09:42,700 -[cheering] -[Cross] Asheville! 1422 01:09:42,787 --> 01:09:45,442 Late show, Asheville! 1423 01:09:45,529 --> 01:09:47,400 All right! 1424 01:09:49,141 --> 01:09:50,882 How are you?