1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:09,879 [light thuds] 4 00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:20,324 [man] Crystal meth, obviously, it comes in little rock forms. 5 00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:21,717 [man] You know what you're getting. 6 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,111 [snorting] 7 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,855 Majority of the time 8 00:00:29,899 --> 00:00:34,947 it will be my younger appearance and willingness 9 00:00:34,991 --> 00:00:39,213 to do whatever they want that will provide me the drugs. 10 00:00:39,256 --> 00:00:43,478 So what I do is I take this and then in the baggy. 11 00:00:46,916 --> 00:00:48,048 Good. 12 00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:51,051 [man] Oh, I've had periods of sobriety, you know, 13 00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:53,488 within my five years of using I've had eight months, 14 00:00:53,531 --> 00:00:56,012 I've had six months, I've had a little three months, 15 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,927 two months, you know, a few weeks, month. 16 00:00:57,970 --> 00:01:01,104 [man] I don't use every single day, sleep, and then keep using. 17 00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:03,846 I know that if I do that that I'll be dead in six months. 18 00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:07,806 At some point I have to be realistic, you know. 19 00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:11,245 For me this is suitable enough. 20 00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:14,422 [man] In 2008, when I started using crystal meth, 21 00:01:14,465 --> 00:01:20,384 I was in a bar called Detox down in the East Village 22 00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:26,347 and I had the most extraordinary head rush that I had ever had in my entire life. 23 00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:31,178 Like, I felt like I was gonna die on the spot, it was so intense. 24 00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:36,661 Oh, wow, it was like-- it was like-- 25 00:01:36,705 --> 00:01:40,361 it was like dying and going to heaven. 26 00:01:40,404 --> 00:01:43,973 Freedom. Meth-- meth, it's freedom. 27 00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:48,673 [man] Like no other drug took me to that type of oblivion 28 00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:50,588 like where I just didn't give a fuck. 29 00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:55,463 It's an exit door. I wish I had an exit door out of my life. 30 00:01:55,506 --> 00:02:01,425 [man] It made everybody seem weirdly equal 31 00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:05,647 and it also made me feel like no matter who I am or what my experience was, 32 00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:07,779 now I'm kind of like in this. 33 00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:12,219 I just knew like there was this incredible sensation, like I need more of this drug. 34 00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:44,076 [man] Methamphetamine really impacts every sociological class, 35 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,817 every kind of person across the board. 36 00:02:47,732 --> 00:02:49,169 [man] We're seeing meth use among gay men in New York City 37 00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:50,822 rise three and four hundred percent. 38 00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:54,826 [man] Over the last twenty years we've seen meth only get stronger. 39 00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:58,178 It's becoming more pure. We're getting newer synthetics on the horizon 40 00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:00,745 and it's something that's increasing in our society as a whole. 41 00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:06,708 [man] So I think this is a tidal wave that we just can't close our eyes and ignore. 42 00:03:08,797 --> 00:03:13,845 [man] There's a sense that if we come out publicly about this epidemic, 43 00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,326 it will remind everyone that we're deviants. 44 00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:22,245 [man] This epidemic needs to be addressed more clearly. 45 00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:36,955 Dishwashing is always with it, 46 00:03:36,999 --> 00:03:40,568 but when you have a dishwasher, it saves your time and energy 47 00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:43,701 and washes your dishes hygienically clean every time. 48 00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:46,748 All the unpleasantness of the chore is done away with. 49 00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:50,882 You know, what's important to understand is that meth 50 00:03:50,926 --> 00:03:54,016 is only the latest iteration of amphetamines. 51 00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:58,716 [man] My mother's generation were actually being prescribed amphetamines. 52 00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:02,981 [man] Mother's Little Helper, you know what Mother's Little Helper is? 53 00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:07,203 It's meth. It's Dexedrine and Benzedrine. 54 00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:10,467 Oh my God, this house is so clean! 55 00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:18,127 [man] In World War II, it was used by all sides. 56 00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,610 [man] Think about the kamikaze pilots who were using methamphetamine 57 00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:25,874 and think about the recklessness, the impulsivity. 58 00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:29,791 [man] Studies have shown that a lot of the friendly fire accidents 59 00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:32,663 are actually caused by people being up too long on stimulants. 60 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,710 [man] But it really was the first of these synthetics. 61 00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:40,280 There's a trend now on almost every drug class to have synthetics. 62 00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:43,848 So we're seeing, for example, heroin being gradually replaced by fentanyl, 63 00:04:43,892 --> 00:04:45,676 which is synthetic. 64 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,679 No one had any idea the destructive potential of the drug, 65 00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:51,378 and it's very hard to control or regulate. 66 00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,816 [man] In the late '90s, 67 00:04:54,859 --> 00:05:00,082 dealers out west had been trying to break into the East Coast market 68 00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:03,128 because of the fundraising scene, 69 00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:04,913 the party scene that was going on at the time. 70 00:05:04,956 --> 00:05:07,611 They realized it was through the gay community. 71 00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:09,570 That was the way to break into the East Coast. 72 00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:12,181 It was something that they began marketing 73 00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:15,445 as a way of staying up longer on the dance floor. 74 00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:18,274 [electronic music] 75 00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,805 [man] I met a guy named Mado Neivelli 76 00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:33,811 and he was young and Italian and gorgeous. 77 00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:37,380 And I was no slouch, I was the cute guy 78 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,774 but I didn't have that high of an opinion of myself. 79 00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:43,430 But this guy wanted to hang out with me, and I was like, hell, yeah. 80 00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:46,302 I remember him saying "Do you smoke?" 81 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,260 And I'm like, "Well, no, I don't." 82 00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:50,828 And I thought he was talking about cigarettes. 83 00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:54,832 And he's like, "Well, have you ever tried 'Tina'?" 84 00:05:56,094 --> 00:05:59,837 And I really wasn't sure what he meant by that. 85 00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:04,842 And he holds up this pipe and he said, "Take a puff of this." 86 00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,148 And he told me how to do it. 87 00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:11,806 I'm thinking, "Well, if this is what I got to do to play with this guy, 88 00:06:11,849 --> 00:06:16,637 then I'm gonna do it," and I did and I remember the rush of it. 89 00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:22,991 I'm feeling that rush right now. 90 00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:33,654 So my name's Kristian Becker. 91 00:06:33,697 --> 00:06:36,526 I was born and raised in New York in the Bronx. 92 00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:39,747 I live life how I wanna live life. 93 00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:45,492 I have been a crystal meth user since I was nineteen. 94 00:06:45,535 --> 00:06:47,450 You know, when I did it the first time, 95 00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:51,236 I was in Miami and I was on Grindr 96 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:55,545 and I was talking to this dude, six-foot-two, 97 00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:58,766 beautiful, light-skinned Cuban guy. 98 00:06:58,809 --> 00:07:02,073 During the messages he asked, "Do you parTy?" 99 00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:03,988 It's like a capital T, and I was like, 100 00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:09,167 I didn't pay no mind to it 'cause I had never heard the term before. 101 00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,692 And I was like, "Yeah, of course, I've been partying all night." 102 00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:16,218 He sends me his address, so I take a cab there 103 00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:22,093 and then when I come in, I see a mountain of stuff on his kitchen counter. 104 00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:26,533 Turns out he's a dealer, but it's like a mountain, mountain of it. 105 00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:29,884 And he hands me the pipe. 106 00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:33,104 [man] Every once in a while you get that response of, 107 00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:35,455 "Oh, you don't look like a crystal meth addict." 108 00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,805 Because crystal meth still does have that stigma; 109 00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:43,419 one, of it being just some trailer-trash drug that's made in a lab in the Midwest. 110 00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:48,859 But I feel like now people are really starting to see what it's about 111 00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:54,691 and how it's used in metropolitan areas and, specifically, among gay men. 112 00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:58,956 [man] The skinniness, the ability to have sex, 113 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,786 you know, the hyper focusness, it's a perfect storm for gay people. 114 00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:13,710 [man] So chemsex is this whole idea of using drugs 115 00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:16,408 as a way to enhance the sexual experience. 116 00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:22,023 So meth is a really effective way to numb, as I mentioned. 117 00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,981 I think that a lot of that is a result 118 00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:26,549 of what in the literature is called "minority stress", 119 00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:30,988 where people who have experienced a lot of discrimination and stigma 120 00:08:31,032 --> 00:08:35,427 based on who they are experience a lot of mental health and addiction issues. 121 00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:38,866 I've had a lot of clients who have never been comfortable with gay sex 122 00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:41,608 who felt for the first time using methamphetamine 123 00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:44,741 they can celebrate being gay and having gay sex 124 00:08:44,785 --> 00:08:46,569 in a way that they never experienced before. 125 00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:50,312 [David] There are some estimates that one out of four gay men 126 00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:52,053 in major urban areas in the States 127 00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:55,012 are semi-regularly using methamphetamine. 128 00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:57,885 It's at epidemic levels within the gay community. 129 00:08:58,929 --> 00:09:04,108 [man] I knew when I was probably seven or eight years old that I was-- 130 00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:05,980 there was something different about me. 131 00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:10,637 I knew that I liked 132 00:09:11,638 --> 00:09:13,248 men. 133 00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:16,468 I also knew that it was not what I was supposed to like, 134 00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:20,168 because boys were supposed to go with girls, men married women. 135 00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:25,347 I remember being attracted to my best friend who lived across the street. 136 00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:28,872 And, but always keeping it quiet. 137 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:32,267 [man] Everyone else knew I was gay before I did, 138 00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:34,704 or like before I was able to say it out loud. 139 00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,489 It was funny to make fun of gay people. 140 00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:40,623 I remember growing up and I would say like "That's so gay," you know. 141 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,712 That was just like a thing people said. 142 00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:45,585 And then I came to NYU and it's like the gayest school in the world, so. 143 00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:51,025 [man] Many gay men find it difficult to create connections. Why? 144 00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:55,377 Because when you come to New York or any city or anywhere really 145 00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:57,814 you're told that you have one of two things to offer. 146 00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:59,903 You're either gonna go on an app and have sex 147 00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:02,036 or you're gonna go to a bar and get drunk. 148 00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,824 [David] So I think we have the apps like Grindr and Scruff 149 00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:10,174 that have made it tremendously easy 150 00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,612 to facilitate the sort of party and play culture. 151 00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:16,572 And I think that's really had an impact on fueling the use of chemsex. 152 00:10:24,188 --> 00:10:26,669 [Andrew] I was what they would call a weekend warrior. 153 00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,455 Monday through Friday I would behave, 154 00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:34,024 and then Friday night I would log on the apps and the websites. 155 00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:38,855 I probably had about six or seven different profiles or accounts. 156 00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:40,727 And just start what they called out the hunt, 157 00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:45,253 which is look for the hottest guy with free drugs 158 00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:47,603 and pretty much pursue that. 159 00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:51,912 [man] So some of the identifying factors 160 00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:53,914 on the apps include a lot of shorthand, 161 00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:56,568 like "PnP," standing for "party and play." 162 00:10:57,526 --> 00:10:59,310 [Kristian] If I am searching for drugs, 163 00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:04,359 then I'll look for parTy with a capital T, PnP, cloud emoji, 164 00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:07,014 a little Japanese party popper emoji. 165 00:11:07,057 --> 00:11:09,669 [man] These phrases that to the initiated 166 00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:11,627 are recognizable in terms of what they mean. 167 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,283 They're willing to both hook up for sex and to use drugs as well. 168 00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:21,681 [Kristian] The thing with crystal meth and me is I never had to buy "Tina". 169 00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:23,944 In the party community, you know, 170 00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:27,034 there's very few young people, you know, who party. 171 00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:30,777 Um, and gays, you know, they're always chasing the young ones. 172 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:34,650 So you'd show up, throw stuff at you to get you as, you know, 173 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,654 as high as you wanted, um, hotel rooms. 174 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:42,136 [man] Especially in big cities, I think meth is a great equalizer. 175 00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:44,442 So you have a lot of older guys with money 176 00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:47,750 and younger guys who can provide sex. 177 00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:52,189 And a lot of it was power because usually I didn't have the funds to do it. 178 00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:54,148 I mean I needed something from them, 179 00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:58,369 they needed something, you know, from me and we get that. 180 00:11:58,413 --> 00:11:59,719 We know how that works. 181 00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:02,852 Being wanted and like getting high and, 182 00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,986 like, that-- that doesn't seem bad. 183 00:12:06,029 --> 00:12:08,728 So I'm gonna get paid to do that, too? 184 00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:10,991 Great. I needed to pay my rent. 185 00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:15,473 At that point in my life, why would I say no to that, you know? 186 00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:20,565 So the first time I tried crystal, and it was like holy shit. 187 00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:23,655 All the issues were gone. Like me having no money was gone. 188 00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:27,616 Me not making it musically where I thought I should have been was gone. 189 00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:30,880 All the ex-boyfriends in my head were gone. 190 00:12:30,924 --> 00:12:36,016 Like, all of the issues, I just got to completely turn off the world. 191 00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:48,680 My name is Jimmie and I'm twenty-six years old, turning twenty-seven. 192 00:12:53,598 --> 00:12:57,689 I think maybe for the longest time I was known as like the shy, quiet kid, 193 00:12:57,733 --> 00:13:01,215 and took me a while to come into my own. 194 00:13:10,964 --> 00:13:13,053 [Jimmie] I have these impressions of myself 195 00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:15,795 as like this innocent guy 196 00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:19,233 who got corrupted by these greedy men 197 00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:23,280 who just wanted what they wanted. But I really did want it, too. 198 00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:28,024 You know I can be three sheets to the wind tomorrow, 199 00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:30,461 even tonight, who even knows. 200 00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:34,422 Once you're doing crystal meth, it takes all of those extreme things about you, 201 00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:36,772 even those assets, and it amplifies it. 202 00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:41,429 There's not a lot of, you know, things that I'm insecure about, 203 00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:45,868 physically and-- and emotionally, 204 00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:48,871 but it didn't really too much matter in that moment when-- 205 00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:50,960 at least when the high was going on. 206 00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:54,703 But, like, once you calm down, then it all comes crashing back down even worse. 207 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:02,667 [man] Methamphetamine works on a part of the brain 208 00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:05,279 called the limbic system or the reward circuitry. 209 00:14:06,410 --> 00:14:08,325 That was designed to help us survive as a species. 210 00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:11,589 So we have what are called natural rewards like food or sex, 211 00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:15,158 all those things that give a little natural burst of dopamine. 212 00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:20,337 There's been careful studies of those where food is hundred and some units, 213 00:14:20,381 --> 00:14:24,559 sex is two hundred, nicotine is actually more, two twenty. 214 00:14:24,602 --> 00:14:27,344 So we see that methamphetamine has about thirteen hundred, 215 00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:30,913 and so that makes it really highly addictive to almost anybody. 216 00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:36,049 [man] Addicts have the experience 217 00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:40,575 of having tried to solve the problem of living 218 00:14:40,618 --> 00:14:43,404 by applying drugs to their pain. 219 00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:47,930 Outside the circumscribed world of the addict, 220 00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:50,890 people are doing the same goddamn thing. 221 00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:56,199 The non-crystal meth addict, overeater, the person who's in the marriage he-- 222 00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:58,723 he or she absolutely does not belong in, 223 00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:01,596 who has had kids that they are no manner, shape, or form 224 00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:05,078 psychologically and spiritually prepared to raise, 225 00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:09,996 on and on and on and on, you know. This is a human condition. 226 00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:35,586 Damn it. 227 00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:42,071 [Andrew] The reason I'm drawn to fantasy art a lot of the time 228 00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:46,162 is because I like the escapism aspect of that. 229 00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:51,385 So when I'm really delving into a painting, 230 00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:54,692 I feel almost like I have this power 231 00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:58,174 to create a world of my vision, my liking. 232 00:15:59,132 --> 00:16:02,352 Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the real world that I'm in 233 00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:05,094 and at least this one I can control it. 234 00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:15,278 [Andrew] So, video games were my first addiction. 235 00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:18,455 Like, the thing about the video games is 236 00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:23,678 I enjoy the escapism so much that once I'm invested in a world, 237 00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:28,074 it becomes more interesting to me than like my everyday life. 238 00:16:31,555 --> 00:16:34,036 And there have been times when I'll wake up in the morning 239 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:39,041 and just play till the sun's coming up the next day 240 00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:42,697 and like I've barely left my chair except to eat and go to the bathroom. 241 00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:47,789 The way I play video games can be scary at times 242 00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:51,923 because it's that lack of impulse control. 243 00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:57,277 It's-- it feels very much the same as when I would use drugs like I just-- 244 00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:01,846 rather than do what I need to-- need to, I do what I want to in that moment. 245 00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:06,068 With this, for example, I was working on my book cover recently 246 00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:09,550 and then this game came out and I just, like, 247 00:17:09,593 --> 00:17:12,683 was so excited for this game that, you know, 248 00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:18,167 all-- all desire to work on the cover just sort of faded away 249 00:17:18,211 --> 00:17:20,430 and I was like, "I might as well just finish that video game, 250 00:17:20,474 --> 00:17:23,651 so that way I can put all of my attention to this piece." 251 00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:35,097 So this is in HIV release. 252 00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:38,840 It's a special release designed by the AIDS Institute in New York State 253 00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:43,975 to allow for the releasing of information around HIV, specifically. 254 00:17:44,019 --> 00:17:48,893 [doctor] And I'm going to write limitations to what can be shared, okay? 255 00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:52,680 [doctor] So any changes that might impact your mental health. 256 00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:54,160 -[man] Okay. -[doctor] Okay? 257 00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:56,771 That way it's limited. I just can't receive anything. 258 00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:58,947 So if I snapped, they're gonna give you a call? 259 00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:01,732 Well, let's try to prevent that. Alright? Okay. 260 00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:05,562 -What was your primary drug of choice? -Meth, crystal meth. 261 00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:08,565 -[doctor] Alright. Um, how old are you? -I'm forty-one. 262 00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:12,308 Forty-one. And how long have you been sober? 263 00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,180 -Two years. -Two years. 264 00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:16,921 The 15th of April 2015. 265 00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:20,447 You know, for-- 266 00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:25,147 Since I was fourteen, fifteen years old, 267 00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:29,108 like, drugs, particularly meth, has been like everything. 268 00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:32,241 It was, you know, how I got places to stay. 269 00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:34,635 And then as I got older, it's how I made my money. 270 00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:38,073 And just like my entire life is like wrapped around, 271 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:42,947 you know, sex, fucking, you know, high and-- 272 00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:48,083 And now I'm sober and it's great, but I'm a little disconnected. 273 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:52,305 I don't know, you know, and I'm not sure where I fit in yet. 274 00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:54,045 -[doctor] Okay. -Does that make sense? 275 00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:58,920 Absolutely. The normal world might even not be chaotic enough, 276 00:18:58,963 --> 00:19:00,226 it might be too calm. 277 00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:01,792 -At times. -Okay. 278 00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:05,492 The recovery sounds like it's stable for the most part, 279 00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:07,058 it's really about adapting. 280 00:19:07,102 --> 00:19:09,017 -Yeah. -Okay. 281 00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:12,194 Yeah, pretty much I just paint and try not to get myself in any trouble. 282 00:19:32,606 --> 00:19:35,652 [Jacob] Everything comes out in my art. That's my free space. 283 00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:42,224 That's like-- that's the one time I don't have to... 284 00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:47,142 Count anybody, I can just-- it just comes out. 285 00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:52,234 [Jacob] That's why I get frustrated or I get mad, like, when I think about it, 286 00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:54,236 I-- I try to analyze it or look at it, like, 287 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,020 that's not what I'm doing it for, 288 00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,892 what I'm doing it for is the time when my music's going 289 00:19:57,935 --> 00:19:59,198 and I'm doing my thing and I just-- 290 00:20:01,461 --> 00:20:03,463 It's one thing I can do where I don't have to worry about what anybody else thinks. 291 00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:06,814 I don't-- I can just-- I can just, like, I don't even have to think, 292 00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:08,859 I don't even have to plan, I can just like go. 293 00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:13,081 I was born in Grand Junction, Colorado. 294 00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:17,041 My mother, she was crazy, she drank a lot, did drugs. 295 00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:21,307 Tried to drown me in a bathtub, like, set the house on fire, 296 00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,222 left me in there, like crazy, crazy shits. 297 00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:25,398 So I said, "Fuck it." I left. 298 00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:30,185 I was 14, Valentine's Day. That does it. Never went back. 299 00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:39,325 Obviously, I was young, like, new me. 300 00:20:39,368 --> 00:20:43,372 Like people were-- I was, you know, learned how to hustle sex right away. 301 00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,244 That's the first thing, I learned how to hustle. 302 00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:53,252 When I'm in my addiction and I'm getting high and I'm living that life, 303 00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,561 it's all about, like, 304 00:20:58,605 --> 00:21:03,436 trying to feel okay or not feel at all, 305 00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:07,918 just trying to be okay in this space that I'm in. 306 00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:13,837 [man] You know, it's very important to know the balance 307 00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:17,363 between when someone begins to reveal too much of themselves. 308 00:21:17,406 --> 00:21:22,150 Many times because of that it becomes overwhelming, 309 00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:24,195 it can be really traumatizing. 310 00:21:24,239 --> 00:21:28,591 And sometimes prevent them from coming back to get the services they need. 311 00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:31,333 [doctor] So, he was very forthcoming 312 00:21:31,377 --> 00:21:36,338 and very open to revealing much of what it is he experienced. 313 00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,907 And I'm sure there's a lot of time ahead of us 314 00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:43,258 where we'll be able to get to the root of everything it is he needs to share. 315 00:21:45,826 --> 00:21:50,831 [Guy] I'm Guy, I am a clinical social worker slash psychotherapist. 316 00:21:56,489 --> 00:22:00,275 It was not until I admitted I was an addict that I really understood addiction. 317 00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:02,625 Although I'd studied addiction, 318 00:22:02,669 --> 00:22:06,455 I was dabbling in a very managed way with drugs on and off. 319 00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:11,286 I'll see you later. 320 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,070 -Love you. Bye-bye. -Love you too. 321 00:22:15,508 --> 00:22:17,858 -Alright, take care. -[man] Bye. 322 00:22:19,294 --> 00:22:21,296 Before being the therapist, 323 00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:25,387 I think there's just built-in arrogance and, you know, 324 00:22:25,431 --> 00:22:28,651 I-- I did my best to be empathic and compassionate, 325 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,700 but deep down inside I was always curious 326 00:22:33,743 --> 00:22:36,790 to know why they couldn't control their drugs and I thought I could, 327 00:22:36,833 --> 00:22:38,748 and there was an element of judgment in that, right? 328 00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:40,881 So, I think, clinically, 329 00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:44,537 I am much more able to see myself 330 00:22:44,580 --> 00:22:48,889 as the same as a therapist as the people I treat, 331 00:22:48,932 --> 00:22:52,196 which I think is a really useful tool for me. 332 00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:03,599 There is a culture now that I love 333 00:23:03,643 --> 00:23:07,516 about being queer and, you know, social justice 334 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:11,477 and we all have a story and a history and we all have our types. 335 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,566 It's a subculture. It's a fully formed culture 336 00:23:13,609 --> 00:23:16,090 that I had a lot of anxiety about entering into. 337 00:23:16,133 --> 00:23:18,527 But what crystal meth did was it took all those-- 338 00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:21,704 no one-- no one asked me who I was, no one asked me, like, 339 00:23:21,748 --> 00:23:24,620 where I went to school, no one cared about, like, 340 00:23:24,664 --> 00:23:26,970 whether or not I was married before, certain-- 341 00:23:27,014 --> 00:23:29,408 no one certainly cared about me being HIV positive. 342 00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:32,411 And-- and what I have discovered is that most people were. 343 00:23:33,237 --> 00:23:36,806 [David] Some estimates are that as many as fifty percent of gay men 344 00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:39,418 who are using meth will ultimately seroconvert, 345 00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:42,421 get HIV and often Hep C as well. 346 00:23:43,509 --> 00:23:49,297 [Rob] So when I was diagnosed with HIV in 1998, it was still stigmatized. 347 00:23:49,993 --> 00:23:53,344 It was not something you wanted to have. 348 00:23:53,388 --> 00:23:57,958 It certainly was not something that you wanted to have 349 00:23:58,001 --> 00:23:59,829 if you wanted to be sexually active. 350 00:23:59,873 --> 00:24:05,400 So, so methamphetamine and-- and HIV have a real interrelated history, 351 00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,489 especially in a place like New York. 352 00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:12,276 From the-- the mid '80s to about '95, '96, HIV was a death sentence. 353 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:14,540 People were dying all the time. 354 00:24:14,583 --> 00:24:18,282 On the streets in the village you would see people with really severe dementia, 355 00:24:18,326 --> 00:24:20,197 thin, thin guys with canes. 356 00:24:20,241 --> 00:24:23,592 My own AA recovery support group lost eighty percent of its people. 357 00:24:23,636 --> 00:24:25,855 So I think it just was a dreary time. 358 00:24:25,899 --> 00:24:28,336 All of us were scared to death. 359 00:24:28,379 --> 00:24:30,556 No one spoke about having HIV. 360 00:24:30,599 --> 00:24:33,820 Most of us had it and were free to talk about it. 361 00:24:33,863 --> 00:24:38,912 My brother had already converted and my mother knew about that. 362 00:24:38,955 --> 00:24:42,350 And I was very determined for her 363 00:24:42,393 --> 00:24:46,789 not to had to carry the burden of worrying about two of her sons dying. 364 00:24:47,573 --> 00:24:50,532 I would call people shortly after meeting them 365 00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:52,447 because I'd want to go out or hang out with them 366 00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:54,536 a second time and they'd be dead. 367 00:24:54,580 --> 00:24:56,799 Somebody would answer their phone and say that they had just passed away. 368 00:24:56,843 --> 00:24:59,889 And a lot of people were going on disability at that point in time. 369 00:24:59,933 --> 00:25:01,848 One of the things we were doing at work 370 00:25:01,891 --> 00:25:05,199 was helping everyone go on disability 371 00:25:05,242 --> 00:25:07,114 so they can enjoy what was left of their lives. 372 00:25:11,684 --> 00:25:13,512 It's like I grew-- I grew up with HIV. 373 00:25:13,555 --> 00:25:16,645 I-- I grew up on the streets with HIV. 374 00:25:16,689 --> 00:25:18,604 I planned on dying. 375 00:25:18,647 --> 00:25:22,521 I expected, I'm like, "Okay, I have five years to live," 20 years old. 376 00:25:24,479 --> 00:25:25,393 Full throttle. 377 00:25:27,308 --> 00:25:30,398 I can still remember thinking to myself and repeating over and over, 378 00:25:30,441 --> 00:25:33,532 "I'm damaged goods. I am damaged goods. 379 00:25:33,575 --> 00:25:36,926 No one's gonna want me. I'm untouchable." 380 00:25:36,970 --> 00:25:39,886 So I think in the social context of the HIV epidemic, 381 00:25:39,929 --> 00:25:42,584 especially those-- those early dark days, 382 00:25:42,628 --> 00:25:45,631 I think people were just looking for a way to check out. 383 00:25:45,674 --> 00:25:48,068 And I think methamphetamine, because of its very powerful punch 384 00:25:48,111 --> 00:25:50,070 in terms of the dopamine it releases, 385 00:25:50,113 --> 00:25:53,813 it was kind of a natural for people to use at that time. 386 00:25:53,856 --> 00:25:57,251 So people were maxing out their credit cards, people were partying their asses off. 387 00:25:57,294 --> 00:25:58,818 I think the culture began to change. 388 00:25:58,861 --> 00:26:00,733 Clubs started to die out. 389 00:26:00,776 --> 00:26:03,300 People weren't working, so they had way too much time on their hands. 390 00:26:03,344 --> 00:26:07,696 And the only way to spend your day were to go to like some sex party. 391 00:26:07,740 --> 00:26:11,047 Around '95, '96, when protease inhibitors were introduced, 392 00:26:11,091 --> 00:26:13,267 we really had a change in the mortality rate. 393 00:26:13,310 --> 00:26:14,834 So people sort of stopped dying. 394 00:26:14,877 --> 00:26:17,532 And by that time a lot of people were on disability 395 00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:20,491 but they saw the opportunity to just kind of celebrate. 396 00:26:20,535 --> 00:26:24,452 And I think meth came along and people felt like they were gonna live again. 397 00:26:25,888 --> 00:26:27,760 After a while, like, you are not dead 398 00:26:27,803 --> 00:26:31,851 and now what you've been doing to survive has become a habit for you. 399 00:26:33,330 --> 00:26:34,680 You know what are you gonna do? 400 00:26:34,723 --> 00:26:36,595 Like, run out and I don't-- 401 00:26:36,638 --> 00:26:39,293 I didn't have an education, I didn't even finish high school. 402 00:26:39,336 --> 00:26:43,645 So I figured, you know, I think I could do was sell drugs. 403 00:26:50,521 --> 00:26:53,481 [Andrew] Alright, let's go guys. Come on. We're gonna go for a walk. 404 00:26:56,789 --> 00:27:00,053 Come on here. Let's go. Come on here. 405 00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:02,621 Let's go. 406 00:27:08,975 --> 00:27:11,412 [Andrew] So my sober job is walking dogs. 407 00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:15,808 I was an escort for seven years but I kept relapsing. 408 00:27:15,851 --> 00:27:19,594 So I teamed up with a couple of guys from my twelve-step program 409 00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:22,553 who already did dog walking and I joined with them and... 410 00:27:23,293 --> 00:27:25,382 Come on, guys. 411 00:27:25,426 --> 00:27:28,864 It's like money I would feel better about earning than through prostitution. 412 00:27:28,908 --> 00:27:30,997 You know, they can be a handful sometimes. 413 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,912 This is Ollie, this is Aya. 414 00:27:32,955 --> 00:27:38,091 They're like my craziest dogs but they're behaving at the moment, so. 415 00:27:38,134 --> 00:27:41,790 Aya, no. No. 416 00:27:42,617 --> 00:27:44,314 Sit. Sit. 417 00:27:44,358 --> 00:27:49,668 I pick them up, I walk them for about a half an hour, 418 00:27:53,410 --> 00:27:55,151 make sure they do their business, 419 00:27:58,067 --> 00:28:00,766 play with them a bit, take them back, 420 00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:04,073 and it's on to the next one. It's a pretty busy day. 421 00:28:05,466 --> 00:28:08,338 Structure is really important for an addict. 422 00:28:08,382 --> 00:28:13,387 It makes me more, you know, accountable, more responsible. 423 00:28:13,430 --> 00:28:17,826 I don't have as many windows of opportunity to go and try and get high. 424 00:28:20,829 --> 00:28:23,919 If I don't show up for work, my friends are totally screwed over. 425 00:28:31,013 --> 00:28:32,145 [woman] Let's go, lady. 426 00:28:32,188 --> 00:28:33,886 -[woman] Sorry. -[woman] It's alright. 427 00:28:48,683 --> 00:28:51,599 [Jimmie] With adulthood came some challenges. 428 00:28:51,642 --> 00:28:56,865 So now I'm doing a lot of things to keep myself busy. 429 00:29:06,919 --> 00:29:11,010 Guardian Angels is a volunteer safety patrol organization 430 00:29:11,053 --> 00:29:16,406 started in 1979 during the height of crime in New York City. 431 00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:18,800 The most notable thing is we do the subway patrols. 432 00:29:18,844 --> 00:29:22,195 And there's different chapters for different boroughs 433 00:29:22,238 --> 00:29:26,808 in different districts within the borough to do a patrol on the train. 434 00:29:31,117 --> 00:29:33,336 We'd like to make our presence known. 435 00:29:34,555 --> 00:29:35,817 And we don't carry weapons. 436 00:29:35,861 --> 00:29:40,561 All we have is the self-defense training 437 00:29:40,604 --> 00:29:46,567 and we do our best to subdue whatever threat is apparent. 438 00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,093 In a big city like this, you need all the help you can get 439 00:29:51,137 --> 00:29:56,011 and just someone's presence is enough to kind of deter things. 440 00:30:02,191 --> 00:30:04,498 -[Jimmie] So when did you join? -[man] Last month. 441 00:30:04,541 --> 00:30:06,630 [Jimmie] Last month? What do you think? 442 00:30:07,588 --> 00:30:09,329 You can hand them to people 443 00:30:09,372 --> 00:30:14,334 to try and put them in the slots in the ads thing. Thanks. 444 00:30:14,377 --> 00:30:17,293 Even if I don't feel like going today, let me get up, 445 00:30:17,337 --> 00:30:21,036 take the train, let me get these flyers together, 446 00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:23,691 hand them out and, like, really start doing it. 447 00:30:23,734 --> 00:30:27,260 At the end of the patrol, you know, it's always a good feeling. 448 00:30:38,706 --> 00:30:40,273 Do you want me to do this moment really fast? 449 00:30:40,316 --> 00:30:42,057 -[woman] Yes, please. -That's high-- 450 00:30:42,101 --> 00:30:43,276 [woman laughing] That's high. 451 00:30:44,930 --> 00:30:46,801 [woman singing] ♪ If you ask me what I need ♪ 452 00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:51,632 ♪ I'll tell you What food to eat ♪ 453 00:30:51,675 --> 00:30:56,245 If you're in New York City and you're, you know, living off of your creativity, 454 00:30:56,289 --> 00:30:57,725 you're already winning. 455 00:30:58,769 --> 00:31:00,423 It's already like, okay, you're not-- 456 00:31:00,467 --> 00:31:03,296 you're not dead and you're able to make art and you're okay. 457 00:31:05,689 --> 00:31:09,911 Like, in terms of a professional music career and where I'm at, 458 00:31:09,955 --> 00:31:13,219 I'm doing, you know, logistically, pretty well. 459 00:31:13,262 --> 00:31:16,657 I'm not-- you know, I'm not Madonna but I'm making money, 460 00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:18,702 I'm supporting myself only by doing music. 461 00:31:18,746 --> 00:31:21,923 [women singing] 462 00:31:37,025 --> 00:31:41,421 I think drinking so long and the culmination 463 00:31:41,464 --> 00:31:44,337 are just like always being kind of in a fog. 464 00:31:44,380 --> 00:31:47,340 I wasn't performing as well as I do now that I'm sober. 465 00:31:47,383 --> 00:31:49,603 That's for sure. But I felt like I was, you know. 466 00:31:49,646 --> 00:31:51,997 I think even the things that I was writing about 467 00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:56,131 weren't coming from the mind of a clear head. 468 00:31:56,175 --> 00:31:58,264 ♪ I put on a black T-shirt ♪ 469 00:31:58,307 --> 00:31:59,787 ♪ 'Cause you say That's good to wear ♪ 470 00:31:59,830 --> 00:32:01,876 ♪ And we hover in the corner ♪ 471 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:05,140 They were coming from the mind of someone who was really sick. 472 00:32:05,184 --> 00:32:10,406 So, those songs and that work, obviously, wasn't going to have much life. 473 00:32:10,450 --> 00:32:13,279 You know. It didn't have much to offer other people. 474 00:32:15,629 --> 00:32:19,981 [screeching music] 475 00:32:37,042 --> 00:32:39,087 A full-time job, that-- that's not me. 476 00:32:39,131 --> 00:32:42,482 Because, you know, working a full day and then counting up, 477 00:32:42,525 --> 00:32:46,573 eight seventy-five or, you know, nine dollars or the nine seventy-five, 478 00:32:46,616 --> 00:32:48,923 and then taking away the taxes and be like, "Oh shit, 479 00:32:48,967 --> 00:32:52,187 this evening I made sixty bucks and exhausted." 480 00:32:52,231 --> 00:32:56,061 But why am I gonna, you know, keep doing this 481 00:32:56,104 --> 00:32:59,803 when I can go to some hotel room, people would pay for it? 482 00:32:59,847 --> 00:33:02,632 Just spend time with me, you know. 483 00:33:04,547 --> 00:33:07,855 Celebrities, billionaires, businessmen, 484 00:33:07,898 --> 00:33:12,425 these people are so, so sad. So sad. 485 00:33:12,468 --> 00:33:15,776 They have to hire me and like, I'm their therapist. 486 00:33:17,212 --> 00:33:20,259 I had five years sober at one point, five years. 487 00:33:20,302 --> 00:33:22,522 They were good years and I had-- 488 00:33:22,565 --> 00:33:24,654 I mean I had a lot-- a lot of-- everything-- 489 00:33:24,698 --> 00:33:29,050 I remember driving up the street in my car at my little 5.0 thinking, 490 00:33:29,094 --> 00:33:32,880 you know, "Fuck, I have everything that I've ever wanted, 491 00:33:32,923 --> 00:33:34,447 everything I've ever dreamt of." 492 00:33:34,490 --> 00:33:38,059 Like, I was in school getting like A's and shit, you know. 493 00:33:38,103 --> 00:33:40,714 I never imagined that I would be there. 494 00:33:40,757 --> 00:33:43,934 And I really believed that I would not use again. 495 00:33:43,978 --> 00:33:48,374 And what happened, I got an argument with my lover at the time 496 00:33:48,417 --> 00:33:52,421 and just for a flash it was okay to get high. 497 00:33:52,465 --> 00:33:55,424 I was, you know, and-- and that was it. 498 00:33:55,468 --> 00:33:58,514 Once the needle was in, that was-- that's game over. 499 00:33:58,558 --> 00:34:01,822 And I know now if that-- if I get high now, game over. 500 00:34:01,865 --> 00:34:03,824 I'm-- I'm not coming back. I'll go till I'm dead. 501 00:34:18,143 --> 00:34:19,883 [Kristian] I am definitely scared of needles. 502 00:34:19,927 --> 00:34:24,627 Every time when I see the nurses or doctors or whoever, 503 00:34:24,671 --> 00:34:27,935 I would like half the time faint, you know, and get my blood drawn. 504 00:34:30,764 --> 00:34:32,940 [Kristian] So enough of these syringes. 505 00:34:35,377 --> 00:34:39,816 Okay. That's the units, CCs. 506 00:34:42,471 --> 00:34:46,084 Heroin in the Hollywood make things look much faster. 507 00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:50,436 Some people will use dirty hands and not even, you know, wipe-- 508 00:34:50,479 --> 00:34:53,656 you know, use the-- wipe their arm before 509 00:34:53,700 --> 00:34:56,442 and there'll be stuff floating around and they will have fucking lumps, 510 00:34:56,485 --> 00:35:00,272 you know, all fucking like golf ball-sized lumps in their arms 511 00:35:00,315 --> 00:35:04,058 and their veins will be gone. And I'm not perfect. 512 00:35:05,755 --> 00:35:11,065 But after the first few months of other people slamming me and me looking away 513 00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:14,851 and having, you know, there'd be a few times, you know, they fucked up, 514 00:35:15,591 --> 00:35:19,595 I learned what I needed to learn and started serving myself. 515 00:35:20,205 --> 00:35:22,859 Some people are able to do just like that, 516 00:35:22,903 --> 00:35:25,645 just a damn boop, boop, boop, and off they go. 517 00:35:27,516 --> 00:35:32,260 After eleven years of crazy, crazy, crazy sex 518 00:35:32,304 --> 00:35:35,959 and unprotected sex and the needle sharing 519 00:35:36,003 --> 00:35:39,615 and the purposeful, you know, sleeping with positive guys, 520 00:35:42,444 --> 00:35:48,233 I'm so surprised-- I'm so surprised that I am not HIV positive. 521 00:35:55,805 --> 00:35:59,679 [Kristian] Basically gives you this animalistic primal 522 00:35:59,722 --> 00:36:02,421 sexual carnal energy. 523 00:36:02,986 --> 00:36:06,468 And that's the main energy, you know. That's fantastic. 524 00:36:17,784 --> 00:36:21,744 I just slammed and I feel so fucking good. 525 00:36:21,788 --> 00:36:25,966 It's gonna go on for a good while, a few hours. 526 00:36:26,009 --> 00:36:29,796 So I'm gonna be fucking used by fucking men. 527 00:36:29,839 --> 00:36:32,233 So this guy, 528 00:36:32,277 --> 00:36:37,717 he said he's gonna wear me down like a property and-- but I know my place. 529 00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:41,068 Then he asked, you know, what's the craziest thing I've done, 530 00:36:41,111 --> 00:36:43,549 and I sent him my Social Security Number, Social Security card. 531 00:36:44,506 --> 00:36:48,075 I enjoy my partying, you know. I don't want to stop my partying. 532 00:36:55,561 --> 00:36:57,824 [man] When the DEA came to the door, 533 00:36:59,129 --> 00:37:02,481 they pounded on the door and said "Police." 534 00:37:03,525 --> 00:37:06,180 My partner actually is one who answered the door. 535 00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:09,270 They started trying to knock it down. 536 00:37:09,314 --> 00:37:14,623 And my partner said to them, "Well, would you like me to just open the door?" 537 00:37:14,667 --> 00:37:17,409 And they're like, "No, we're the fucking police." 538 00:37:17,452 --> 00:37:19,062 I wish the hell I'd been here. 539 00:37:19,106 --> 00:37:24,416 I would just love to have just gone, click, whoop. 540 00:37:25,504 --> 00:37:28,028 They-- they busted the deadbolt, 541 00:37:28,071 --> 00:37:31,814 they knocked it off to the wall here, bent the metal here. 542 00:37:31,858 --> 00:37:36,254 I covered it with wrapping paper for Christmas 543 00:37:36,297 --> 00:37:38,734 and just left it on there because it looks so badly. 544 00:37:38,778 --> 00:37:43,086 But we're used to it by now, but it's still a reminder every time you look at it. 545 00:37:43,130 --> 00:37:46,176 And it's-- it's not something I need to be reminded of. 546 00:37:46,220 --> 00:37:47,656 It'll always be there. 547 00:37:49,136 --> 00:37:50,529 Eventually, the money ran out 548 00:37:51,660 --> 00:37:55,316 and it just seemed like a great idea 549 00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:59,625 to go to my dealer and say, "Hey, would you loan us a little extra 550 00:37:59,668 --> 00:38:04,020 that I could sell so that I could not only pay for what I want 551 00:38:04,064 --> 00:38:07,241 but also keep the gravy train rolling? 552 00:38:07,285 --> 00:38:10,418 You know, move-- move a little product for you 553 00:38:10,462 --> 00:38:13,334 and, you know, pay for my habit." 554 00:38:13,378 --> 00:38:16,032 He was hesitant but then he said yes. 555 00:38:16,076 --> 00:38:18,339 And we were off to the races. 556 00:38:18,383 --> 00:38:23,475 And having the drug in the apartment all the time 557 00:38:23,518 --> 00:38:28,741 was perfect for getting high all the time. 558 00:38:28,784 --> 00:38:32,875 I can't remember many times when I wasn't high. 559 00:38:33,615 --> 00:38:37,402 To sell three or four ounces a day is normal. 560 00:38:37,445 --> 00:38:39,534 I mean I would be sending out to California 561 00:38:39,578 --> 00:38:42,102 at least twice a month, thirty to forty thousand dollars. 562 00:38:42,145 --> 00:38:45,148 I would run all night long on rollerblades 563 00:38:45,192 --> 00:38:47,673 getting five-hundred-dollar money orders all over town 564 00:38:47,716 --> 00:38:50,328 and I would go to FedEx and I would put them in a-- 565 00:38:50,371 --> 00:38:53,156 in a FedEx envelope and I'd send them out to California. 566 00:38:53,200 --> 00:38:55,463 By the time I got home, there was a message on my machine 567 00:38:55,507 --> 00:38:59,511 from someone and he identified himself as a worker from FedEx. 568 00:39:00,163 --> 00:39:02,383 And he said, "Dude, I don't know what's going on 569 00:39:02,427 --> 00:39:05,908 but the DEA was just here and they opened up your envelope. 570 00:39:05,952 --> 00:39:08,824 They took pictures and they closed it and they put it back in thing." 571 00:39:08,868 --> 00:39:10,913 He said, "I don't know what's going on." 572 00:39:10,957 --> 00:39:14,177 And I-- and, of course, you know, that's scary. 573 00:39:14,221 --> 00:39:18,181 So I immediately got a hold of my person in California and I told him the situation, 574 00:39:18,225 --> 00:39:20,445 he said stop everything, get everything out of your house, 575 00:39:20,488 --> 00:39:21,620 blah, blah, blah. 576 00:39:21,663 --> 00:39:22,969 Like, okay, and then which I did. 577 00:39:23,839 --> 00:39:25,754 So I was living my life normally, you know, 578 00:39:25,798 --> 00:39:28,148 as normal as I could be, you know, not selling any drugs, 579 00:39:28,191 --> 00:39:29,889 not talking about it on the phone, 580 00:39:29,932 --> 00:39:33,936 and my supply, which was quite extensive for me personally, 581 00:39:33,980 --> 00:39:36,156 was starting to dwindle. 582 00:39:36,199 --> 00:39:41,074 And, for me, my-- my brain kind of first stops thinking after a while, 583 00:39:41,117 --> 00:39:42,641 you know, we call it selective thinking. 584 00:39:42,684 --> 00:39:44,730 I forgot all about that I was being watched. 585 00:39:45,731 --> 00:39:48,386 And my friend called me, said, "Listen, I'm gonna call California, 586 00:39:48,429 --> 00:39:50,170 and get something sent out," 587 00:39:50,213 --> 00:39:51,824 and I-- and I said, "Oh, me, too. Give me two of them," 588 00:39:51,867 --> 00:39:54,435 because I was getting low. I forgot all about it. 589 00:39:54,479 --> 00:39:57,482 And then when it showed up at his house, he called me and said "Come get it." 590 00:39:57,525 --> 00:40:00,398 And I forgot all about it, and when I walked out, they got me. 591 00:40:02,051 --> 00:40:05,446 One of the things that you learn about 592 00:40:05,490 --> 00:40:09,363 in the underworld of drugs when you're a dealer 593 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:13,411 is that there are addicts everywhere, 594 00:40:13,454 --> 00:40:15,587 there are addicts from every walk of life, 595 00:40:15,630 --> 00:40:20,069 there are addicts in the streets who can't afford anything, 596 00:40:20,113 --> 00:40:25,901 who will offer you a blowjob for a quarter of a gram. 597 00:40:26,859 --> 00:40:32,821 And I had clients who order by large volumes 598 00:40:32,865 --> 00:40:37,347 who were major business executives 599 00:40:37,391 --> 00:40:40,525 in the entertainment business, 600 00:40:41,047 --> 00:40:44,485 um, movers and shakers, 601 00:40:44,529 --> 00:40:48,446 and it's all walks of life from the gutter to the penthouse. 602 00:41:25,047 --> 00:41:27,963 [Matthew] So at-- at a certain point that story gets old. 603 00:41:28,007 --> 00:41:29,922 It's not interesting anymore. 604 00:41:29,965 --> 00:41:33,316 You start to grow up like, "This isn't going to actually get me anywhere." 605 00:41:34,100 --> 00:41:36,145 I remember, like, going to like a deli 606 00:41:36,189 --> 00:41:38,757 and trying to order a sandwich and I couldn't even order the sandwich, 607 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,193 I was so fucked up. 608 00:41:40,236 --> 00:41:42,630 I had also told my little brother, like, 609 00:41:42,674 --> 00:41:45,459 "Yeah, I smoked meth," like, "I don't know why I keep..." 610 00:41:45,503 --> 00:41:47,374 Yeah, he's like, "You should stop that." 611 00:41:47,417 --> 00:41:50,333 I was like, "Yeah, I know," but then I kept going back and doing it. 612 00:41:50,377 --> 00:41:54,512 And all those, you know, walls were crumbling slowly around me and, 613 00:41:54,555 --> 00:41:58,994 you know, the whole illusion, you know, shattered on itself, so. 614 00:41:59,038 --> 00:42:01,867 [man] There's all kinds of physical health ramifications, 615 00:42:01,910 --> 00:42:06,393 stroke, heart attack, liver and kidney failure. It's devastating. 616 00:42:07,394 --> 00:42:10,092 [Matthew] When my friend came and got me, it was an Ash Wednesday. 617 00:42:10,136 --> 00:42:11,311 It was so weird. 618 00:42:12,399 --> 00:42:14,619 And I remember walking around, 619 00:42:14,662 --> 00:42:18,013 like, so just like tweaked out of my head 620 00:42:18,057 --> 00:42:21,016 and seeing all these people with like crosses on their forehead 621 00:42:21,060 --> 00:42:22,844 and being like, "This is too much." 622 00:42:22,888 --> 00:42:26,369 And she took me to a meeting and she found a meeting at the center. 623 00:42:26,413 --> 00:42:29,372 Many addicts aren't inspired to change 624 00:42:29,416 --> 00:42:32,593 until things get so bad that they have no alternative. 625 00:42:32,637 --> 00:42:35,291 And I think that's often the point at which people 626 00:42:35,335 --> 00:42:37,729 get into twelve-step recovery and can begin that process. 627 00:43:04,538 --> 00:43:06,235 [man] Hey. Hi. 628 00:43:08,411 --> 00:43:10,109 -How are you? -Good. 629 00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:18,030 -So what are we doing today? -[man] Step seven. 630 00:43:19,074 --> 00:43:19,945 Alrighty. 631 00:43:22,730 --> 00:43:23,601 So... 632 00:43:26,125 --> 00:43:30,085 The concept of giving away to keep it is the most important thing for me. 633 00:43:30,129 --> 00:43:33,959 Like, I have worked with sponsees since I had a year 634 00:43:34,002 --> 00:43:36,962 and they're telling you all their deepest, darkest secrets. 635 00:43:37,005 --> 00:43:39,138 They're confiding in you every night, you know, 636 00:43:39,181 --> 00:43:42,837 or, hopefully, or they are making connection with you that's so powerful 637 00:43:42,881 --> 00:43:48,669 and all you're doing is telling them what you did and guiding them through a book that exists. 638 00:43:48,713 --> 00:43:52,673 At first glance, step seven may almost seem an afterthought to step six. 639 00:43:52,717 --> 00:43:55,023 And there's a need to practice spiritual principles 640 00:43:55,067 --> 00:43:57,112 in the place of character defects. 641 00:43:57,156 --> 00:44:00,115 Sponsors are not hired, they don't get no money, 642 00:44:00,159 --> 00:44:03,075 they are not required to do it, and they do it 643 00:44:03,118 --> 00:44:07,645 because it's part of their last step, the twelve step is-- 644 00:44:07,688 --> 00:44:10,430 is I couldn't get totally sober without giving this away. 645 00:44:11,387 --> 00:44:15,348 So number one, which of my attitudes have changed since I've been in recovery? 646 00:44:15,391 --> 00:44:19,308 My attitude about CMA not working for me has changed. 647 00:44:19,352 --> 00:44:24,444 I now believe it can help me if I open up and let it into my life. 648 00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:28,187 And have I asked my sponsor for guidance? 649 00:44:28,230 --> 00:44:30,145 -Yes. -Yay. 650 00:44:30,189 --> 00:44:32,800 When I decided that escorting 651 00:44:32,844 --> 00:44:36,630 was no longer a good job for me, 652 00:44:36,674 --> 00:44:41,722 for my sobriety, and I got a sober job walking dogs, so. 653 00:44:41,766 --> 00:44:43,202 Okay. 654 00:44:43,245 --> 00:44:48,294 So, example of letting go and trusting that escorting 655 00:44:48,337 --> 00:44:50,383 wasn't what my higher power wanted me to do. 656 00:44:50,426 --> 00:44:55,736 Like each addict has like a heart and a soul that was destroyed by this drug, 657 00:44:55,780 --> 00:45:01,263 and just asking questions starts to like-- like a boil, you know, 658 00:45:01,307 --> 00:45:06,312 one of those pimple-popping videos you see on YouTube, you know, it like all comes out. 659 00:45:06,355 --> 00:45:09,968 And then once you get that out, you know, they start to heal. 660 00:45:10,011 --> 00:45:13,493 And what do you think you're trying to suppress when you act on it? 661 00:45:14,799 --> 00:45:17,802 I think I'm trying to suppress the-- 662 00:45:20,369 --> 00:45:22,763 the possibility that I may be wrong 663 00:45:22,807 --> 00:45:26,375 because that's, you know, I don't want to be wrong, that's embarrassing. 664 00:45:26,419 --> 00:45:29,117 And, like with-- with escorting, for example, 665 00:45:29,161 --> 00:45:33,600 I kept holding on to this idea that I-- I can do it, I can-- 666 00:45:33,643 --> 00:45:39,475 I can be a prostitute and stay sober, even though I continually kept relapsing. 667 00:45:39,519 --> 00:45:43,088 And that wasn't my-- but that was my whole livelihood for years. 668 00:45:43,131 --> 00:45:47,614 So, to admit that that may be wrong was very scary because that meant, 669 00:45:47,657 --> 00:45:49,529 "Oh, I can't do that at all anymore," 670 00:45:49,572 --> 00:45:52,924 and it was very much my safety blanket for every-- 671 00:45:52,967 --> 00:45:57,580 you know, my income, self-esteem, different things like that. 672 00:45:57,624 --> 00:46:01,410 So it felt like you were trying to take that away from me. And... 673 00:46:01,454 --> 00:46:03,586 That was what I didn't know how to do in the past. 674 00:46:03,630 --> 00:46:06,154 I used to think that sponsoring was just, you know, 675 00:46:06,198 --> 00:46:09,027 telling someone to go to a meeting every day, you know, 676 00:46:09,070 --> 00:46:12,770 and, you know, reading a book 677 00:46:12,813 --> 00:46:15,642 and having them write, like, grids down. 678 00:46:15,685 --> 00:46:20,821 I didn't realize that it was actually like listening to someone and-- 679 00:46:20,865 --> 00:46:25,434 and asking the questions that will lead them to heal themselves. 680 00:46:33,486 --> 00:46:35,531 So, there are really many avenues to recovery 681 00:46:35,575 --> 00:46:37,707 once someone understands that they may need that help. 682 00:46:38,926 --> 00:46:43,409 The unifying factor that they all have is some kind of social format. 683 00:46:43,452 --> 00:46:45,890 I think it's not something we can figure out by ourselves 684 00:46:45,933 --> 00:46:48,022 and that's something we can do in isolation. 685 00:46:52,026 --> 00:46:55,334 I've had a couple of sponsors that I loved dearly. 686 00:46:56,988 --> 00:46:59,904 One of them I worked with him for like two years 687 00:46:59,947 --> 00:47:03,255 and then he went into a spiral which he has not been able to get out of, 688 00:47:03,298 --> 00:47:04,647 of using. 689 00:47:06,214 --> 00:47:10,001 But I haven't had to push him away or, you know, I have-- 690 00:47:10,044 --> 00:47:11,480 I don't feel anger toward him. 691 00:47:11,524 --> 00:47:14,744 His humanity is just so clear to me. 692 00:47:22,013 --> 00:47:23,449 Yeah, I should throw them out. 693 00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:30,151 I'm gonna throw out a couple of old syringes 694 00:47:30,195 --> 00:47:31,892 that I probably used on my last relapse 695 00:47:31,936 --> 00:47:35,417 just because they shouldn't be in my bag. So, here we go. 696 00:47:43,948 --> 00:47:48,256 I can't get off this well, of course, and I don't know what to do. 697 00:47:49,214 --> 00:47:52,608 But at least I took myself to a meeting, and that ended the run. 698 00:47:52,652 --> 00:47:57,048 But I still have fellows who are texting me and who are out 699 00:47:57,091 --> 00:48:01,922 and know that I'm struggling with this and are texting me, 700 00:48:01,966 --> 00:48:04,707 "I have an abundance of stuff, why don't you just come over? 701 00:48:04,751 --> 00:48:07,623 Why don't you-- why don't you just come hang out?" 702 00:48:07,667 --> 00:48:12,846 And it's just like, I don't know, and that started-- 703 00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:16,763 we can have two-week relapse where I used every single day, 704 00:48:16,806 --> 00:48:20,419 I was using more than I've ever used before. 705 00:48:20,462 --> 00:48:22,987 Normally, I would use once intravenously 706 00:48:23,030 --> 00:48:25,119 and then be good for a couple of days. 707 00:48:25,163 --> 00:48:29,558 I was using intravenously three times a day for two weeks straight 708 00:48:29,602 --> 00:48:34,999 knowing that I should stop after like the second time of shooting up 709 00:48:35,042 --> 00:48:39,699 and telling myself as I am preparing for the third one 710 00:48:39,742 --> 00:48:41,396 that I really shouldn't be doing this. 711 00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:44,008 I was really hallucinating. I was already going crazy. 712 00:48:44,051 --> 00:48:46,227 I was really thinking that people were trying to kill me. 713 00:48:46,271 --> 00:48:49,535 But I am sitting there about to do it again. 714 00:48:49,578 --> 00:48:52,581 It could easily be construed that people are using you, 715 00:48:52,625 --> 00:48:54,322 but you're letting them use you. 716 00:48:54,366 --> 00:48:56,411 -Yeah. -You know, you're letting them. 717 00:48:56,455 --> 00:48:57,891 I'm allowing them. 718 00:48:57,935 --> 00:49:02,940 You're allowing them to do that to actually to degrade. 719 00:49:04,028 --> 00:49:06,726 You know, you're actually letting them turn you 720 00:49:06,769 --> 00:49:10,904 into a resume that your value is in your youth and your beauty, 721 00:49:10,948 --> 00:49:13,515 and it's not. It's not. 722 00:49:14,908 --> 00:49:17,171 You know, I'm 71 years old. 723 00:49:17,215 --> 00:49:21,175 If you are-- if you-- if you are lucky, 724 00:49:21,219 --> 00:49:23,612 you're gonna be seventy-one someday, 725 00:49:23,656 --> 00:49:26,311 you're gonna-- you don't keep counting on your resume. 726 00:49:26,354 --> 00:49:28,095 Yeah. 727 00:49:28,139 --> 00:49:32,360 It doesn't work. It doesn't work today. It's a shitty way of life. 728 00:49:32,404 --> 00:49:34,754 -Do you actually know what I am saying? -I do. 729 00:49:34,797 --> 00:49:36,669 Yeah. It's nowhere. 730 00:49:38,018 --> 00:49:41,935 But-- but I know because I've been there just like you, 731 00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:43,458 "Hello, my name is Rick, I'm an addict," 732 00:49:43,502 --> 00:49:45,852 I-- I know the scene. 733 00:49:45,895 --> 00:49:49,029 And sometimes I've heard you say things that are just like, you know, 734 00:49:49,073 --> 00:49:52,815 "Oh my God, this kid just needs a little guidance here." 735 00:49:52,859 --> 00:49:54,295 Yeah. 736 00:49:54,339 --> 00:49:56,341 Maybe a little bit more than just a little guidance. 737 00:49:57,516 --> 00:50:02,477 It's-- it's probably, you know, it's probably not that much more than a little. 738 00:50:02,521 --> 00:50:04,175 -Yeah. -You know. 739 00:50:05,698 --> 00:50:07,439 Rick has years as sobriety. 740 00:50:07,482 --> 00:50:09,571 So, like, when I look at him, it just like 741 00:50:11,312 --> 00:50:14,707 maybe it's possible to get sober because, you know, for a while 742 00:50:14,750 --> 00:50:19,320 I just feel like there's no way that someone can stay sober 743 00:50:19,364 --> 00:50:23,063 from using crystal meth for so many years and just like stop using. 744 00:50:23,107 --> 00:50:25,544 Like that doesn't exist, it's a fairy tale, 745 00:50:25,587 --> 00:50:28,503 it's a lie, everyone goes back to using, 746 00:50:28,547 --> 00:50:33,030 like, and if you don't, then you, clearly, didn't use meth the right way. 747 00:50:33,073 --> 00:50:36,337 But, you know, I've heard of Rick's story 748 00:50:36,381 --> 00:50:38,818 and he's used meth the very right way 749 00:50:38,861 --> 00:50:42,126 and he's able to not go back to it. 750 00:50:42,169 --> 00:50:44,824 -[Rick] Why don't I take your phone number? -Yeah, definitely. 751 00:50:46,652 --> 00:50:47,870 -You got it? -Yep. 752 00:50:47,914 --> 00:50:48,741 Okay. 753 00:50:50,351 --> 00:50:51,831 -Shoot me a text. -I'm gonna shoot you a text right now. 754 00:50:55,356 --> 00:50:58,620 [Ralphy] It really is a beautiful day, it really is. 755 00:51:05,932 --> 00:51:09,631 So there is still this dynamic interplay between HIV and crystal meth 756 00:51:09,675 --> 00:51:12,373 and that a lot of the people were saying coming into care right now 757 00:51:12,417 --> 00:51:15,811 for HIV services happen to be crystal meth addicts as well. 758 00:51:15,855 --> 00:51:21,600 The irony of a lot of gay men having survived HIV only to succumb to crystal meth. 759 00:51:21,643 --> 00:51:25,560 And so I think there is this kind of urgency to-- to address it. 760 00:51:26,518 --> 00:51:28,911 Um, so some other things. Are you undergoing healthcare? 761 00:51:28,955 --> 00:51:33,394 What is your medical situation like? You said you were HIV positive. 762 00:51:33,438 --> 00:51:37,746 Yeah, I've been positive since I was fifteen actually. 763 00:51:37,790 --> 00:51:39,792 So, I mean, a long time. 764 00:51:39,835 --> 00:51:42,229 -From the beginning. -Yeah. Yeah. Back when-- 765 00:51:42,273 --> 00:51:48,017 back when people still-- still were getting chaos and dementia and all that. 766 00:51:48,061 --> 00:51:50,803 -So this was in your teens? -I was, yeah, I was fifteen. 767 00:51:50,846 --> 00:51:53,762 So what was that like being a teenager being diagnosed 768 00:51:53,806 --> 00:51:56,722 with something that back then was considered terminal? 769 00:52:08,516 --> 00:52:11,128 It's just such a huge piece of who I am 770 00:52:11,171 --> 00:52:15,828 and what's built me and made me and challenged me and hurt me 771 00:52:15,871 --> 00:52:18,396 and, you know, getting sick very young. 772 00:52:18,439 --> 00:52:21,660 I had-- I had like, like, in Children's Hospitals, 773 00:52:21,703 --> 00:52:25,011 because I didn't have a family and they did biopsies on me and shit. 774 00:52:25,054 --> 00:52:27,970 -It was terrifying. -Have you had opportunistic infections? 775 00:52:28,014 --> 00:52:29,711 -Oh, yeah. -Okay. 776 00:52:29,755 --> 00:52:32,540 Yeah, I've been-- I spent-- the worst one, I spent six months, 777 00:52:32,584 --> 00:52:35,108 like, and tubes and I couldn't eat. 778 00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:38,198 So we're dealing with another layer of trauma, the addiction, 779 00:52:38,242 --> 00:52:41,201 the child abandonment abuse, 780 00:52:41,245 --> 00:52:44,639 and now a major, major medical ordeal. 781 00:52:44,683 --> 00:52:47,947 -How are you doing now? -I'm still here. 782 00:52:47,990 --> 00:52:49,166 Right. 783 00:53:04,964 --> 00:53:08,272 [man] The other side of the intersection of meth and HIV 784 00:53:08,315 --> 00:53:10,404 is for people who are already HIV positive, 785 00:53:10,448 --> 00:53:12,537 it dramatically affects adherence to medications. 786 00:53:12,580 --> 00:53:15,279 So, they can develop resistance to their drugs. 787 00:53:15,322 --> 00:53:17,542 When I was using, 788 00:53:17,585 --> 00:53:23,069 I would sometimes not take my HIV medication all the time. 789 00:53:26,768 --> 00:53:28,683 You know, I would go out on a Friday, 790 00:53:28,727 --> 00:53:32,470 I would bring the pills with me but then I'd be so high 791 00:53:32,513 --> 00:53:36,604 I would like forget to and oh, you know, 792 00:53:38,476 --> 00:53:43,263 surprisingly, I never became resistant to the medication, luckily. 793 00:53:43,307 --> 00:53:45,744 And I take Truvada, 794 00:53:45,787 --> 00:53:50,227 Prezista and Norvir. 795 00:53:51,532 --> 00:53:54,535 I've-- I forget I have HIV all the time 796 00:53:54,579 --> 00:53:58,583 because it's kind of like having diabetes now 797 00:53:58,626 --> 00:54:01,150 and that's, you know, not something I have said, 798 00:54:01,194 --> 00:54:04,241 it's something my doctor has said. It's-- it's a chronic thing. 799 00:54:04,284 --> 00:54:08,157 But, you know, my viral load is undetectable, 800 00:54:08,201 --> 00:54:13,250 so I would show up negative on it if I were to take an HIV test. 801 00:54:13,989 --> 00:54:17,123 So, like, I'm really at peace with it. 802 00:54:21,606 --> 00:54:24,304 I keep this on my dresser 803 00:54:24,348 --> 00:54:28,177 and I guess this is kind of like a shrine in the sense. 804 00:54:28,221 --> 00:54:30,702 Even though nothing really will replace my mom, 805 00:54:30,745 --> 00:54:32,878 it's just a reminder that she's always there. 806 00:54:35,359 --> 00:54:38,579 Me and my mom, our relationship was complex 807 00:54:38,623 --> 00:54:41,190 because she was really one of the only people 808 00:54:41,234 --> 00:54:45,064 who would ask me directly about my sobriety 809 00:54:45,107 --> 00:54:49,111 because she understood what that was, what that life was like. 810 00:54:50,199 --> 00:54:54,682 I'll say that what contributed to her passing was her own addiction. 811 00:54:54,726 --> 00:54:56,380 She was addicted to crack. 812 00:54:56,423 --> 00:55:01,341 And she was trying to fight it, I think, 813 00:55:01,385 --> 00:55:05,824 in-- in little spurts, but ultimately it took her down. 814 00:55:06,738 --> 00:55:10,698 So that's something that I have to remember like always. 815 00:55:10,742 --> 00:55:16,748 I have a real reason to stay sober. I owe this to her, you know. 816 00:55:19,446 --> 00:55:22,362 The day off where I'm at my sister's house, 817 00:55:22,406 --> 00:55:26,018 one of the first things she says and she's like five-six months pregnant, 818 00:55:26,061 --> 00:55:30,109 she was like, "I can't have you relapse in 819 00:55:30,152 --> 00:55:32,198 because I can't do this all on my own." 820 00:55:34,418 --> 00:55:37,725 My daily schedule, everything is set up in a way 821 00:55:37,769 --> 00:55:40,337 where it's really inconvenient to use. 822 00:55:42,600 --> 00:55:47,169 I'm kind of in the sweet spot. I don't want it to be any other way. 823 00:56:13,761 --> 00:56:16,721 Of course, there are signs everywhere that say "Stay on the path" 824 00:56:18,679 --> 00:56:20,464 and I completely ignore those. 825 00:56:23,467 --> 00:56:27,427 I haven't encountered in the path police, yet. 826 00:56:29,777 --> 00:56:30,604 Oh. 827 00:56:40,135 --> 00:56:42,007 That is fucking awesome. 828 00:56:42,050 --> 00:56:45,358 What is so cool about this reflection 829 00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:49,623 is that a lot of the way 830 00:56:49,667 --> 00:56:52,670 something is reflected off a glass depends on the glass. 831 00:56:52,713 --> 00:56:58,676 Each piece of it is not as perfectly flat as you would have with normal glass. 832 00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:03,550 So what that means is from a distance that it all looks the same from here, 833 00:57:03,594 --> 00:57:05,552 but the further you get away from it, 834 00:57:05,596 --> 00:57:10,252 the more the differences in the way that it's shaped are pronounced 835 00:57:10,296 --> 00:57:12,951 and it looks like a Picasso. 836 00:57:14,256 --> 00:57:15,823 And it's brilliant. 837 00:57:17,259 --> 00:57:21,525 For me, the reflections are a metaphor 838 00:57:21,568 --> 00:57:24,136 for my experience in recovery 839 00:57:24,702 --> 00:57:28,053 because when I was getting high all the time, 840 00:57:28,096 --> 00:57:32,971 I didn't see flowers, I didn't see birds, 841 00:57:33,014 --> 00:57:37,845 I didn't see the beauty of nature or the beauty of great architecture. 842 00:57:37,889 --> 00:57:40,979 Those things were like parting glasses to me, 843 00:57:41,022 --> 00:57:43,677 you know, whatever, it was there but I didn't think about it. 844 00:57:43,721 --> 00:57:45,723 It does make me reflect. 845 00:57:56,951 --> 00:57:57,909 You know, it's funny. 846 00:57:59,693 --> 00:58:03,044 When you're high on drugs, depending on the drug that you're on, 847 00:58:03,088 --> 00:58:07,092 you can get pretty shaky, you can get pretty nervous and jittery, 848 00:58:07,135 --> 00:58:12,576 and there's not a drug out there that does that more, I don't think, than meth. 849 00:58:12,619 --> 00:58:18,538 And when I stopped using drugs, 850 00:58:18,582 --> 00:58:20,366 when I got off of the meth 851 00:58:20,409 --> 00:58:24,892 and I started using photography instead, 852 00:58:24,936 --> 00:58:28,243 my hands stopped shaking and my photographs got better. 853 00:58:54,487 --> 00:58:58,317 I'm working with three singers and songwriters right now 854 00:58:58,360 --> 00:59:01,494 and we're starting this thing called The Emergence Collective 855 00:59:02,974 --> 00:59:06,455 where we just get together and we, like, help-- like, help build songs 856 00:59:06,499 --> 00:59:09,328 like stack harmonies or whatever. So I wrote it for them. 857 00:59:09,371 --> 00:59:12,070 And, yeah, I just wanted it to be fun. 858 00:59:13,811 --> 00:59:17,075 Right on, come up. Here it goes. 859 00:59:17,118 --> 00:59:22,689 ♪ Hold me With silent prayers ♪ 860 00:59:22,733 --> 00:59:23,777 It will go down there. 861 00:59:23,821 --> 00:59:28,521 [singing a high note] 862 00:59:30,479 --> 00:59:32,264 Go on. 863 00:59:32,307 --> 00:59:34,919 The challenge for me now has been, like, what am I doing this for? 864 00:59:34,962 --> 00:59:36,050 Like, why? 865 00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:39,097 I've been playing and singing since I was five years old 866 00:59:39,140 --> 00:59:41,142 because I love it, because it brings me joy. 867 00:59:41,186 --> 00:59:44,972 I love the feeling of music going through my body. 868 00:59:45,016 --> 00:59:47,496 It's like it's better than-- it's better than drugs. 869 00:59:47,540 --> 00:59:53,241 Singing in harmony is better than any fucking drug you can-- you can experience. 870 00:59:53,285 --> 00:59:55,635 And I think people want to feel connected to each other 871 00:59:55,679 --> 00:59:57,463 and music makes you feel connected. 872 01:00:00,553 --> 01:00:02,773 So we try the whole thing? Okay. 873 01:00:12,304 --> 01:00:17,918 ♪ You lay me next To the others on the ground ♪ 874 01:00:17,962 --> 01:00:22,662 ♪ Hands on chest Like we're laid to rest ♪ 875 01:00:22,706 --> 01:00:25,796 ♪ Deep in a drought ♪ 876 01:00:25,839 --> 01:00:29,408 ♪ No water to be found ♪ 877 01:00:33,978 --> 01:00:39,244 ♪ Bread the stars With restriction Of being a stone ♪ 878 01:00:39,287 --> 01:00:45,032 ♪ Blind thus dreams With the ancient screams ♪ 879 01:00:45,076 --> 01:00:47,905 ♪ You beckon them come out ♪ 880 01:00:47,948 --> 01:00:51,430 ♪ The demons have to moan ♪ 881 01:00:51,473 --> 01:00:54,738 There's this saying in recovery that feelings aren't facts. 882 01:00:54,781 --> 01:00:57,741 So, that-- that to me is what this song is. 883 01:00:57,784 --> 01:00:59,481 It's like I feel like shit right now 884 01:00:59,525 --> 01:01:02,615 but I believe that tomorrow it might not be this way. 885 01:01:02,659 --> 01:01:05,400 And a lot of it's overwhelming is what I am telling myself. 886 01:01:05,444 --> 01:01:08,708 ♪ That I had like the pain ♪ 887 01:01:08,752 --> 01:01:14,714 [everyone singing] ♪ Should let go ♪ 888 01:01:14,758 --> 01:01:18,631 ♪ Then the thunder roars ♪ 889 01:01:18,675 --> 01:01:20,720 ♪ And the rain falls ♪ 890 01:01:20,764 --> 01:01:26,247 ♪ Then the thunder roars And the rain falls ♪ 891 01:01:26,291 --> 01:01:29,294 ♪ And the rain falls ♪ 892 01:01:29,337 --> 01:01:34,168 ♪ And the rain falls ♪ 893 01:01:57,409 --> 01:02:03,110 ♪ Make me open I hike Like the day that occurred ♪ 894 01:02:32,531 --> 01:02:34,576 -Yeah. -[Matthew] Bam. 895 01:02:34,620 --> 01:02:36,317 [Matthew] Thanks, guys. 896 01:02:43,107 --> 01:02:46,632 [man] So one of the aspects of methamphetamine that make it particularly damaging 897 01:02:46,675 --> 01:02:48,982 is that it's neurotoxic, which means simply that 898 01:02:49,026 --> 01:02:52,246 when meth-- meth molecule sits on the dopamine receptor, 899 01:02:52,290 --> 01:02:54,858 instead of being washed off like it would be for cocaine, 900 01:02:54,901 --> 01:02:58,122 it actually sits there and destroys the receptor. 901 01:02:58,165 --> 01:03:04,041 And so the implication of that is that while those transporters are being regenerated, 902 01:03:04,084 --> 01:03:07,914 dopamine is not being adequately distributed in the brain and that impacts mood, 903 01:03:07,958 --> 01:03:09,611 so people can get highly depressed, 904 01:03:09,655 --> 01:03:12,919 people can get very impulsive, people become suicidal. 905 01:03:12,963 --> 01:03:17,706 [Jimmie] That would be the hardest thing about staying sober 906 01:03:19,404 --> 01:03:23,364 is like sometimes really wanting to escape and isolate. 907 01:03:24,496 --> 01:03:29,153 Sometimes you get worn down. You don't want your mind to be idle for too long. 908 01:03:30,284 --> 01:03:34,854 Typically, about ninety percent of people relapse on the way to recovery. 909 01:03:34,898 --> 01:03:38,379 Getting past the drug use is really just the beginning. 910 01:03:38,423 --> 01:03:41,513 Recovery is really all about what-- what follows from that point. 911 01:03:42,862 --> 01:03:45,647 Do I want to use? That's-- that's funny, yeah. 912 01:03:45,691 --> 01:03:48,476 Do I wanna get drunk, do I wanna party? Yes. 913 01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:50,696 Not all the time but, yes, once in a while I'm like, 914 01:03:50,739 --> 01:03:54,700 "I could-- I could go for a joint, I could go for a drink," all that stuff. 915 01:04:01,576 --> 01:04:05,450 I did relapse on a Sunday and I had to be at work at-- on Monday 916 01:04:05,493 --> 01:04:10,890 and I actually stopped using drugs because I, 917 01:04:10,934 --> 01:04:15,286 you know, as I knew I had to show up for work the next morning. 918 01:04:19,029 --> 01:04:21,814 That was one of the hardest parts about it having to call them 919 01:04:21,858 --> 01:04:24,251 and say like, "I've relapsed, 920 01:04:24,295 --> 01:04:29,082 I'm really gonna try to make it into work tomorrow but I'm-- I'm in an awful state." 921 01:04:29,126 --> 01:04:32,129 It was important to me that I not let them down 922 01:04:32,172 --> 01:04:34,871 and that's something I never had before. 923 01:04:36,046 --> 01:04:37,351 [Andrew] Okay, guys. 924 01:04:42,574 --> 01:04:46,056 Relapse wasn't an option for me because I was not going back to prison. 925 01:04:46,099 --> 01:04:50,321 Even if it was like walking on hot coals, I had no choice. 926 01:04:50,364 --> 01:04:54,064 I'd put myself in situations where I was fooling around with someone 927 01:04:54,107 --> 01:04:57,241 and he said, "Here, will you hold my pipe?" and I held his pipe for him. 928 01:04:57,284 --> 01:05:00,548 But never did I say, "Oh, you know what I could take a hit of that." 929 01:05:02,072 --> 01:05:06,859 [Ralphy] I've had a few relapses and I'm recently coming back from a relapse. 930 01:05:06,903 --> 01:05:12,125 You know I am able to accumulate some months and then I think I'm cured. 931 01:05:12,169 --> 01:05:14,562 That's my problem. I think like I can handle everything. 932 01:05:14,606 --> 01:05:16,695 I think that I-- I got this down packed; 933 01:05:16,738 --> 01:05:20,133 I think that everything's fine and I'm normal now 934 01:05:20,177 --> 01:05:23,180 and I can go have sex and not think about meth. 935 01:05:24,268 --> 01:05:29,664 And-- and sex has been a huge, a huge driver for my-- for my relapses. 936 01:05:29,708 --> 01:05:32,363 And it's just because I feel like I can have the sex 937 01:05:32,406 --> 01:05:35,366 that I was having while I was having on meth. 938 01:05:36,280 --> 01:05:38,804 So if we do one behavior like sex 939 01:05:38,847 --> 01:05:42,025 and have a certain kind of mental state like being high, 940 01:05:42,068 --> 01:05:44,723 if we do that enough simultaneously, 941 01:05:44,766 --> 01:05:49,815 those two experiences become joined, if you will, fused, in the same neural pathways. 942 01:05:51,251 --> 01:05:56,213 I am thirty years old now. I have never had sober sex. 943 01:05:56,256 --> 01:06:00,565 Since I started having sex, it's been poppers, alcohol, 944 01:06:00,608 --> 01:06:05,526 coke, K, weed, Molly. 945 01:06:05,570 --> 01:06:08,965 If someone gets clean, when those two things have fused, 946 01:06:09,008 --> 01:06:12,272 very often their sexual desire goes out the window as well. 947 01:06:12,316 --> 01:06:14,622 So it's not uncommon for people in recovery 948 01:06:14,666 --> 01:06:19,105 to have no sexual desire for a month or three months or six months or a year. 949 01:06:20,411 --> 01:06:22,891 There's a mourning period that I haven't gone through. 950 01:06:22,935 --> 01:06:27,766 Like, I have to mourn the death of like this fake façade amazing sex 951 01:06:27,809 --> 01:06:30,073 that I thought that I was having that never really happened. 952 01:06:30,116 --> 01:06:31,248 I had to mourn that. 953 01:06:32,727 --> 01:06:34,468 As gay men in the U.S., 954 01:06:34,512 --> 01:06:37,471 we're still learning how to really socialize with each other, 955 01:06:37,515 --> 01:06:42,955 how to not turn everything into sex, how to have platonic gay friends. 956 01:06:42,999 --> 01:06:47,177 Like, this is the first time that I ever was able to relate to gay men 957 01:06:47,220 --> 01:06:50,223 without thinking, "Oh, it would be nice to fuck him" 958 01:06:50,267 --> 01:06:52,399 maybe sometimes, "But it would be nice to fuck him" 959 01:06:52,443 --> 01:06:55,359 or, "Oh, was he interested in me?" Blah, blah, blah. 960 01:06:55,402 --> 01:06:57,709 That's certainly probably the biggest single challenge 961 01:06:57,752 --> 01:07:00,494 is that people relapse because they're not having any sex 962 01:07:00,538 --> 01:07:04,063 and they feel they can't have sex and then meth gives them that opportunity. 963 01:07:05,760 --> 01:07:09,416 I relapsed last year in mid-October 964 01:07:10,374 --> 01:07:16,075 and I think by that time I had missed a couple of shifts with Guardian Angels. 965 01:07:16,119 --> 01:07:19,252 So, you don't feel confident enough really to do it 966 01:07:19,296 --> 01:07:21,515 and then that kind of stays with you for a while, 967 01:07:21,559 --> 01:07:24,649 and it shows in your body language and it shows everywhere else. 968 01:07:24,692 --> 01:07:28,087 Everybody starts asking you if you're okay and shit like that. 969 01:07:28,131 --> 01:07:29,001 And I hate that. 970 01:07:39,707 --> 01:07:43,146 My using days has helped me to, like, be able to pick out 971 01:07:43,189 --> 01:07:46,497 when somebody is really strung out. 972 01:07:49,804 --> 01:07:52,111 I can see that now. 973 01:07:52,155 --> 01:07:54,374 I'm doing something that's actually worthwhile 974 01:07:54,418 --> 01:07:57,595 and I'm not taking up energy and taking up resources 975 01:07:57,638 --> 01:08:02,426 and taking up space and taking up money being, you know, a public nuisance. 976 01:08:02,469 --> 01:08:04,602 So it's kind of like I flipped a little bit 977 01:08:04,645 --> 01:08:07,605 and now I can see it from the outside looking in. 978 01:08:28,408 --> 01:08:30,323 [woman on voice speaker] This junction is Newport. 979 01:08:58,090 --> 01:09:01,876 If anybody wants to parTy with capital T and they hadn't yet, 980 01:09:01,920 --> 01:09:03,791 I would strongly discourage them. 981 01:09:03,835 --> 01:09:06,011 Acting like a mom about it and say, 982 01:09:06,054 --> 01:09:09,188 "No, this is blah, blah, blah, I'm not gonna be the one to bring you into it." 983 01:09:09,232 --> 01:09:12,931 And then I got to a point where I realized, 984 01:09:12,974 --> 01:09:15,063 "You know what, like, these are grown-ass people," 985 01:09:15,107 --> 01:09:17,675 you know what I mean, "They want to do it, they want to do it. 986 01:09:17,718 --> 01:09:19,633 They can make their own, you know, decision." 987 01:09:19,677 --> 01:09:22,810 I made my own ground decision, you know, when I did it the first time, 988 01:09:22,854 --> 01:09:24,856 so they can make their own ground decision. 989 01:09:27,641 --> 01:09:30,644 So I've never had a boyfriend. I burn the candle a lot fast. 990 01:09:30,688 --> 01:09:33,952 You know, after a week or two, ideally, 991 01:09:33,995 --> 01:09:37,260 it would be a relationship, you know what I mean? 992 01:09:37,303 --> 01:09:41,568 Just-- there's no exactly, like, perfect way to describe it. 993 01:09:41,612 --> 01:09:45,181 I can't like write it out, you know what I mean, like a perfect plan. 994 01:10:02,894 --> 01:10:08,160 For me, again, I'm not trying to live, you know what I mean, some long life. 995 01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:12,033 You know what I mean? Or, like, trying to reach like ninety, you know. 996 01:10:14,340 --> 01:10:16,908 Whatever my life will be, my life will be, you know. 997 01:10:18,039 --> 01:10:21,304 Yeah, it will take its course, yeah. 998 01:11:15,183 --> 01:11:18,056 So when Shane was healthy enough, we used to take walks. 999 01:11:19,013 --> 01:11:20,537 He liked cold weather. 1000 01:11:20,580 --> 01:11:24,018 He always called me a pussy because I put so much on. 1001 01:11:24,062 --> 01:11:27,544 We particularly liked this area because it's all rock 1002 01:11:27,587 --> 01:11:32,592 and there's this huge part of the rock formation 1003 01:11:32,636 --> 01:11:34,507 that's just out over Park Drive. 1004 01:11:45,431 --> 01:11:49,566 From the time that Shane and I started seeing each other, we used something. 1005 01:11:50,480 --> 01:11:54,614 Meth was a huge part of our relationship for the majority of our relationship. 1006 01:11:54,658 --> 01:11:57,138 And that only changed after we got arrested. 1007 01:11:57,182 --> 01:12:01,360 Um, I was-- we were both required to stop using. 1008 01:12:01,404 --> 01:12:04,624 We were both monitored by pretrial services. 1009 01:12:04,668 --> 01:12:08,715 Shane was a slicker relapser than I was. 1010 01:12:08,759 --> 01:12:12,545 He figured out how to do it and not get caught. I was not as good. 1011 01:12:19,509 --> 01:12:22,642 There was a lot about his life that was just torture for him. 1012 01:12:24,383 --> 01:12:29,301 How he landed on just ending his medications 1013 01:12:29,345 --> 01:12:33,740 I don't really think I'll ever understand. That's a tough way to go. 1014 01:12:33,784 --> 01:12:37,309 But that's what he decided, he decided to stop taking his HIV meds 1015 01:12:37,353 --> 01:12:39,877 and he did that in June of 2016. 1016 01:12:52,019 --> 01:12:55,153 Can you check if my shoes are black-- my black shoes are down? 1017 01:12:55,196 --> 01:12:57,590 -Which ones? -The one I was looking for the last time. 1018 01:12:57,634 --> 01:13:00,724 -I don't know, it's probably-- -[Loic] I think they are-- oh, you don't want me to wear them? 1019 01:13:00,767 --> 01:13:02,726 [man] I don't remember which ones. So sorry. 1020 01:13:02,769 --> 01:13:05,859 [Loic] I think they are, you know, with the little stuff on the top like-- 1021 01:13:13,519 --> 01:13:19,307 I was traveling for work and I had a day off when I first got to Chicago. 1022 01:13:19,351 --> 01:13:23,224 And I spent that day with the door closed watching porn. 1023 01:13:23,268 --> 01:13:25,749 So I went online and I started like emailing guys 1024 01:13:25,792 --> 01:13:27,881 on Craigslist and on Adam4Adam. 1025 01:13:27,925 --> 01:13:30,406 And then a few months later while I was away, 1026 01:13:30,449 --> 01:13:32,669 again Loic calls me or texted me and he-- 1027 01:13:32,712 --> 01:13:35,193 and he saw one of these emails that was in my inbox 1028 01:13:35,236 --> 01:13:37,935 from these Craigslist exchanges. 1029 01:13:37,978 --> 01:13:43,114 It was like completely gross and lewd and he was really hurt by it obviously. 1030 01:13:43,157 --> 01:13:46,160 I called him right away and we talked-- we talked about it and I just-- it was like, 1031 01:13:46,204 --> 01:13:48,859 "Thank God he saw that email 'cause now he knows I'm not perfect." 1032 01:13:48,902 --> 01:13:50,469 It just was like a relief. I'm like, 1033 01:13:50,513 --> 01:13:52,645 "Oh, I don't need to pretend 1034 01:13:52,689 --> 01:13:57,563 that I'm not, like, still sick." 1035 01:13:58,912 --> 01:14:00,697 -Do you have the license? -Yeah. 1036 01:14:00,740 --> 01:14:02,786 Okay. 1037 01:14:04,918 --> 01:14:08,487 I was on the phone and he was worried about some stuff 1038 01:14:08,531 --> 01:14:11,882 and I just said-- you were in France and I was in South Carolina-- 1039 01:14:11,925 --> 01:14:13,100 Yeah. 1040 01:14:13,144 --> 01:14:14,667 And I just said, "Let's just get married." 1041 01:14:14,711 --> 01:14:18,671 And he's like, "What?" I'm like, "Yeah, let's get married. 1042 01:14:18,715 --> 01:14:20,325 -We'll be okay." -Yeah. 1043 01:14:20,368 --> 01:14:24,111 And then it solved all the problems and, logistically, 1044 01:14:24,155 --> 01:14:27,811 and so that's what we decided to do. Wasn't very official. 1045 01:14:39,170 --> 01:14:41,868 [man] Go inside the wedding area behind me and I'll call you by your name. 1046 01:14:41,912 --> 01:14:42,739 Alright. 1047 01:14:55,882 --> 01:14:58,058 -You know I'm next. -Hmm? 1048 01:14:58,102 --> 01:15:02,628 -We are next. -We're gonna be-- I'm your first husband. 1049 01:15:02,672 --> 01:15:04,195 How do you feel? 1050 01:15:07,024 --> 01:15:08,329 You're gonna be my first husband. 1051 01:15:08,373 --> 01:15:09,809 You're gonna be my first husband. 1052 01:15:09,853 --> 01:15:10,680 Thank God. 1053 01:15:13,726 --> 01:15:15,554 -I hope to be the last one, too. -I do, too. 1054 01:15:16,163 --> 01:15:19,645 -[man] Marrying Matthew and Loic. -[cheering] 1055 01:15:27,435 --> 01:15:30,961 I said to him, "Do you want to get married?" 1056 01:15:32,615 --> 01:15:35,705 We had exchanged rings a couple of years earlier. 1057 01:15:37,620 --> 01:15:41,101 I had given him a ring and he gave me this. 1058 01:15:41,145 --> 01:15:44,148 And so he said yeah. 1059 01:15:44,191 --> 01:15:48,152 So I went to the chaplain at the hospital and had them draw up papers. 1060 01:15:48,195 --> 01:15:52,852 The doctor drew up the papers that I could take down to the marriage bureau 1061 01:15:52,896 --> 01:15:56,290 and we never got that far. 1062 01:16:07,867 --> 01:16:10,087 This is Shane's remains. 1063 01:16:10,870 --> 01:16:16,180 I had told myself this was just his ashes, this is not Shane. 1064 01:16:16,223 --> 01:16:19,618 It's such a small box but it's heavy. 1065 01:16:25,145 --> 01:16:30,063 I don't think that I ever felt more love for him 1066 01:16:31,195 --> 01:16:32,849 than when he was suffering. 1067 01:16:35,982 --> 01:16:40,726 So it's painful as those times were as hard as they were. 1068 01:16:49,692 --> 01:16:55,132 I guess it was a way for me to remember that I was cared for him. 1069 01:17:02,966 --> 01:17:07,231 You know, he only died three weeks ago and... 1070 01:17:13,933 --> 01:17:18,590 I thought I'd be further along in my grieving, 1071 01:17:18,634 --> 01:17:21,811 but I realize there's no timeline for grief. 1072 01:17:22,376 --> 01:17:28,295 I didn't want to feel the pain of losing him, which I felt was inevitable. 1073 01:17:28,339 --> 01:17:33,083 I didn't want to feel the pain of feeling that I had no hope. 1074 01:17:35,694 --> 01:17:37,914 In recovery we talk about how, you know, 1075 01:17:37,957 --> 01:17:40,960 you don't get addicted overnight and you don't recover overnight. 1076 01:17:41,004 --> 01:17:43,093 And grief is the same way. 1077 01:17:45,138 --> 01:17:48,838 I have had to admit that I am powerless over my grief 1078 01:17:48,881 --> 01:17:52,319 and the-- the only way for me to heal is to surrender to it 1079 01:17:52,363 --> 01:17:54,887 and just feel what I feel when I'm feeling it. 1080 01:18:00,066 --> 01:18:01,633 -[woman] Great. -[Loic] Left hand. 1081 01:18:02,416 --> 01:18:03,417 [Loic] I'm your first. 1082 01:18:05,158 --> 01:18:06,464 [man] This is yours, baby. 1083 01:18:08,945 --> 01:18:11,817 [cheering] 1084 01:18:21,653 --> 01:18:22,480 Love you. 1085 01:18:31,663 --> 01:18:33,709 -Okay. Let's go. -All right. 1086 01:18:41,281 --> 01:18:43,457 Like if I start thinking, you know, forever, it turns into, 1087 01:18:43,501 --> 01:18:46,199 "Oh, no, I'm trapped in a marriage," and I can't do that. 1088 01:18:46,243 --> 01:18:51,814 Like, I will-- I will start to self-destruct if I started to think of forever. 1089 01:18:51,857 --> 01:18:54,207 I'd to tell him like two months in the dating him 1090 01:18:54,251 --> 01:18:56,383 that if you were to leave me, I would be fine. 1091 01:18:56,427 --> 01:19:00,170 I have a community of people who love me, I am connected, 1092 01:19:00,213 --> 01:19:01,867 he's not the reason I am happy. 1093 01:19:01,911 --> 01:19:05,131 He hasn't fixed my life, he hasn't changed my world. 1094 01:19:05,175 --> 01:19:08,656 That-- that came before he got here. All that was already there. 1095 01:19:08,700 --> 01:19:11,137 So when he showed up, I was like, "Cool, I'm ready for this." 1096 01:19:11,181 --> 01:19:13,618 And if he has to go or if life changes, 1097 01:19:13,661 --> 01:19:16,403 I mean, I don't have to control his love for me. 1098 01:19:16,447 --> 01:19:20,146 He can do whatever he needs to do and I'm okay, I feel safe. 1099 01:19:20,190 --> 01:19:23,019 And most of what we do on a daily basis with each other 1100 01:19:23,062 --> 01:19:29,068 is just goofy and fun and it just makes time pass in a more delightful way. 1101 01:20:11,589 --> 01:20:14,548 Navigating New York City as a young person 1102 01:20:14,592 --> 01:20:16,942 who doesn't have people here is hard. 1103 01:20:16,986 --> 01:20:20,511 And one of the best things about getting sober 1104 01:20:20,554 --> 01:20:22,165 is now I feel like I have people 1105 01:20:22,208 --> 01:20:24,950 and like if-- if shit hits the fan or I don't have money, 1106 01:20:24,994 --> 01:20:27,910 like, or any-- any of that stuff, you know, like I can at least, 1107 01:20:27,953 --> 01:20:32,044 like, talk to people about it, whereas when I was on my own it was like-- 1108 01:20:33,480 --> 01:20:35,091 it was impossible. 1109 01:20:52,848 --> 01:20:56,199 As of May 12th, I am HIV positive. 1110 01:20:56,242 --> 01:21:01,944 Sometime between January and a few weeks ago I contracted HIV. 1111 01:21:01,987 --> 01:21:04,816 There you go. It's alright, kids. 1112 01:21:08,951 --> 01:21:12,780 First or second day of May or the last day of April 1113 01:21:12,824 --> 01:21:15,914 even in time linked up with this guy on one of the apps, 1114 01:21:15,958 --> 01:21:19,309 Grindr or Scruff and went to his place. 1115 01:21:19,352 --> 01:21:25,184 Then out of nowhere "Puff, puff, puff," I'm hearing this noise. 1116 01:21:25,228 --> 01:21:28,535 So they're busting ten guys, 1117 01:21:28,579 --> 01:21:31,669 full SWAT gear, guns, gun to my head, 1118 01:21:31,712 --> 01:21:33,801 I'm butt-naked, they cuff everybody. 1119 01:21:38,676 --> 01:21:42,288 The thing with me is I know I can handle any situation that I end up in. 1120 01:21:42,332 --> 01:21:45,596 If I end up in prison, I'll deal with prison, you know. 1121 01:21:47,076 --> 01:21:49,034 I'm just enjoying this moment and that's it. 1122 01:22:06,225 --> 01:22:07,618 -Congratulations. -Thank you. 1123 01:22:07,661 --> 01:22:08,749 -On new year. -Thank you. 1124 01:22:08,793 --> 01:22:10,664 -Very proud of you. -Good to see you. 1125 01:22:10,708 --> 01:22:13,189 So, tonight, is my watch. 1126 01:22:13,232 --> 01:22:18,020 What a watch is is it's my one-year anniversary of being sober. 1127 01:22:19,369 --> 01:22:22,328 It's my friends from recovery 1128 01:22:22,372 --> 01:22:24,635 and people who have helped me get to this point 1129 01:22:24,678 --> 01:22:28,030 all come out, just chill till midnight 1130 01:22:28,073 --> 01:22:32,164 and then that's when I'll, like, really officially have a year and we'll celebrate. 1131 01:22:36,429 --> 01:22:38,910 And I've been struggling for a long time, 1132 01:22:38,954 --> 01:22:42,174 so this is kind of a big deal for me and for my friends. 1133 01:22:47,527 --> 01:22:50,182 I am really happy that my friend Jimmie 1134 01:22:50,226 --> 01:22:53,055 has like the exact same day count as me coincidentally, 1135 01:22:53,098 --> 01:22:56,536 so we get to have a mutual watch and celebrate together, 1136 01:22:56,580 --> 01:23:02,542 sort of takes the edge off and, you know, it's just like more fun that way. 1137 01:23:02,586 --> 01:23:04,066 You missed him. 1138 01:23:05,937 --> 01:23:07,547 [Jimmie] This is a big milestone for me. 1139 01:23:07,591 --> 01:23:10,681 And everyone is asking me how-- how-- 1140 01:23:10,724 --> 01:23:13,727 how do I feel, am I excited? 1141 01:23:13,771 --> 01:23:17,383 And I just honestly I think people are more excited for me than I am. 1142 01:23:17,427 --> 01:23:21,387 But, like, it is-- there's something about it 1143 01:23:21,431 --> 01:23:23,302 that seems to come full circle. 1144 01:23:23,346 --> 01:23:26,479 There's something about it that it really is-- 1145 01:23:26,523 --> 01:23:32,268 it's kind of beautiful and it's really just such a great show of love and family. 1146 01:23:32,311 --> 01:23:35,053 You may have like what I want-- 1147 01:23:35,097 --> 01:23:37,447 what I was looking for in the first place. 1148 01:23:37,490 --> 01:23:38,752 Yeah. 1149 01:23:38,796 --> 01:23:40,232 You know, which was really just community so. 1150 01:23:55,334 --> 01:23:58,424 My sponsor, Michael, has really helped me 1151 01:23:58,468 --> 01:24:02,167 get to this point just by believing in me. 1152 01:24:02,211 --> 01:24:06,302 It's nice to have somebody believe in you when you can't believe in yourself, 1153 01:24:06,345 --> 01:24:09,000 and Michael was that for me, so. 1154 01:24:09,044 --> 01:24:10,784 And I think that that's what we come here for 1155 01:24:10,828 --> 01:24:13,613 is to come from a place of isolation and desolation 1156 01:24:13,657 --> 01:24:17,095 to make connections and to become these, like, wonderful shining men, you know. 1157 01:24:17,139 --> 01:24:20,664 So I'm really appreciative of you getting a year. 1158 01:24:20,707 --> 01:24:23,710 And I remember when I met you, you know, 1159 01:24:23,754 --> 01:24:25,973 we were walking to like the D-Train or something 1160 01:24:26,017 --> 01:24:29,194 and you were talking about your life and you told me "I don't have friends," 1161 01:24:29,238 --> 01:24:34,417 like I just have me, my video games, my art, you know, and drugs. 1162 01:24:34,460 --> 01:24:37,246 And-- and I remember being just so struck 1163 01:24:37,289 --> 01:24:40,553 because someone so vibrant and so smart and so handsome 1164 01:24:40,597 --> 01:24:44,122 and so able would have-- not have anybody in his life. 1165 01:24:44,166 --> 01:24:47,691 And now, like you see tonight people really, 1166 01:24:47,734 --> 01:24:49,867 really are inspired by you and care about you. 1167 01:24:49,910 --> 01:24:53,827 And-- and what a shift, what a shift. 1168 01:24:53,871 --> 01:24:57,831 So, congratulations and-- to you both and thank you. 1169 01:24:57,875 --> 01:25:02,532 Having a support like this, all-- all of this is kind of overwhelming. 1170 01:25:02,575 --> 01:25:05,404 You know, hopefully this is only gonna happen once. 1171 01:25:05,448 --> 01:25:10,279 And, Jimmie, I just want to say that, you know, there's-- 1172 01:25:11,802 --> 01:25:15,066 it's really cool that we got to do this together 1173 01:25:15,110 --> 01:25:17,503 and as, you know, we came in around the same time 1174 01:25:17,547 --> 01:25:19,114 and we both been relapsing. 1175 01:25:20,158 --> 01:25:22,378 I don't know, it's just-- there's no-- 1176 01:25:22,421 --> 01:25:26,295 no one I'd rather share a watch with. So, congratulations. 1177 01:25:32,518 --> 01:25:36,392 Here it is! I didn't think I'd really hit this point ever. 1178 01:25:36,435 --> 01:25:40,004 I didn't think I know what this would even feel like. 1179 01:25:40,047 --> 01:25:42,311 Like, it's been two years of this, 1180 01:25:42,354 --> 01:25:45,183 of learning lessons and relapsing 1181 01:25:45,227 --> 01:25:49,056 and going for long stretch of time of sobriety and, 1182 01:25:49,100 --> 01:25:52,059 you know, getting kicked in the face. 1183 01:25:52,103 --> 01:25:55,976 So it's really just a privilege to be here 1184 01:25:56,020 --> 01:25:57,978 because not everyone gets to do it. 1185 01:25:58,022 --> 01:26:01,808 I know everybody says that but, like, I understand it's really true now. 1186 01:26:01,852 --> 01:26:04,594 [cheering] 1187 01:26:08,250 --> 01:26:10,077 -[man] You made it! -[man] Congrats, guys! 1188 01:26:10,121 --> 01:26:12,602 Alright, now-- You guys can have sex now. 1189 01:26:12,645 --> 01:26:13,820 Whoo! 1190 01:26:15,300 --> 01:26:17,215 [man] Been waiting for two years. 1191 01:26:18,085 --> 01:26:21,828 Like, I am still very much a crystal meth addict. 1192 01:26:24,309 --> 01:26:28,705 I could go-- I could-- I could go out tomorrow, you know, or tonight even. 1193 01:26:31,229 --> 01:26:34,624 I don't want to, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen 1194 01:26:34,667 --> 01:26:36,669 and I've just got to be careful. 1195 01:26:36,713 --> 01:26:38,454 Just because I have a year sober, 1196 01:26:38,497 --> 01:26:41,544 it doesn't mean I'm gonna be like totally out of the woods, so. 1197 01:26:55,210 --> 01:26:57,951 [man] This is not just a gay problem it's a problem for our whole society 1198 01:26:57,995 --> 01:27:00,824 that we really need to start to think about it and address. 1199 01:27:01,477 --> 01:27:05,524 And the first step really comes from someone trying to identify 1200 01:27:05,568 --> 01:27:09,006 with what they might have in common with that gay meth user 1201 01:27:09,049 --> 01:27:11,269 as opposed to just simply judging them and saying, 1202 01:27:11,313 --> 01:27:14,881 "Well, that's not me. That would never be me. Why don't they just get it together?" 1203 01:27:15,621 --> 01:27:17,623 What are the similarities here and what-- 1204 01:27:17,667 --> 01:27:21,279 what vulnerabilities might I share that I see in another person 1205 01:27:21,323 --> 01:27:24,978 and what solutions have they discovered that might be relevant to me? 1206 01:27:26,676 --> 01:27:31,028 In much the same way that we saw the-- the first traces of the problem emerge here, 1207 01:27:31,071 --> 01:27:33,248 I think we're starting to see the first traces 1208 01:27:33,291 --> 01:27:35,250 of a solution emerge here as well. 1209 01:27:35,293 --> 01:27:40,255 ♪