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Thanks, folks.
Aww. Thanks, folks. Thanks.
You seem like, uh...
Very nice, reasonable people in the short time I've known you, you know.
I mean, most people want the same things.
Dallas, Omaha, Sacramento, New York...
People everywhere want family, community,
uh, security... universal values.
But if we can't agree how to get these things after all these years,
maybe we need to take some time apart,
separate, divorce, consciously uncouple.
The Founding Fathers warned us it would come to this.
John Adams said the two-party system is the greatest political evil
under our Constitution.
George Washington cautioned in his farewell address
against excessive political party spirit and geographical distinction.
Wise words.
They tell us what to do about it?
They did not. They just said it,
then they died...
And now, they left us to figure it out.
Real geniuses.
America...
Two parties. Still! All these years later, two parties.
There's 350 million people and there's two parties.
There's 15 genders...
and there's two parties.
There's four bathrooms, and there's two parties.
And those parties are too proportionate.
Every vote, 51-49.
That's too many unhappy people every election.
That means, every election,
our system is saying to steak-eaters and vegans,
"Okay, election's over, you gotta eat steak."
"Well, I don't like steak. I'm a vegan.
Steak makes me physically ill. I'm allergic."
"It's only every day for the next four years. Don't worry."
Two parties that see the country totally differently.
The right sees only the positive, the left sees only the negative.
Right sees this country
like they're at a high-school football game in the stands.
Cheering, "USA! USA! We're number one."
And the left sees it like they were at an ICU unit.
"I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do.
America is terminally racist and fatally patriarchal.
It's hopeless."
Let's be honest. We don't even like each other.
We don't even support each other's businesses or economies.
Red states hate Hollywood and the media.
They won't go to the movies or read The New York Times.
And blue states
won't use tobacco, dairy, or carbs.
The red states base their vote on Paul's Letter to the Corinthians.
Blue states base theirs on The Chomsky Reader.
And nobody wants to admit
it isn't really working out.
Because it's embarrassing to be the generation
that lost the United States.
I get it. I grew up here too.
Lot of it was about enthusiasm, positivity, hype.
People would say, "America is the greatest.
The greatest! The greatest."
And you'd go, "Yeah, it's great."
They'd go, "Why're you being so negative?
We just said, 'The greatest.' Why would you say 'great'?"
Yeah, nobody wants to admit, it didn't really pan out.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. No country really worked.
We had as good a run as anybody else.
We still have the remnants of the greatest empire in history.
Still have the best towels out of any country you'll ever go to.
You go to the nicest hotels in Europe,
you're still wet after using them.
You're wet, and the towels are wet.
The towels don't work.
Still have the greatest abundance of ice cubes.
Prime Minister of England asks for ice cubes in a glass,
they give him one ice cube.
Average person here,
six ice cubes, seven ice cubes.
You go out for a drink after this show,
they'll give you six ice cubes.
That's the society we set up.
This guy's worth more ice cubes than the Prime Minister of England.
We're so successful, we have a diet called "intermittent fasting"
where you go to bed hungry.
I mean, in the...
History of civilization,
everyone's primal goal, not to go to bed hungry.
And we get to the point, people walk up to you,
"How are you doing?" "I'm starving."
"Congratulations."
We succeeded. We're badass.
If there's a World War right now,
we have to worry about maybe, two countries,
China and Russia.
Out of 190 countries, two.
Uruguay has to be nice to everybody.
They go to the UN Security Council meetings,
they bump into Luxembourg coming out of the bathroom,
they're both going, "Excuse me." "Excuse me. I didn't see you."
Meanwhile, our President can go, "Up yours!"
Everybody's like, "Oh, it's America. You know how they get. They're crazy."
'Cause they know we can really hurt them.
You know, while other countries talk tough,
but they can't get off the barstool.
So, the problem is not out there. The problem is in here.
We have met the enemy. It is us.
And now, we're at risk of a civil war.
And you don't want to see a civil war in this country.
This country is not built for another civil war.
It's gonna be the first time in history
that you see fat refugees.
That's not gonna be a good look, really.
Refugees in jorts and flip-flops
and Dunder Mifflin T-shirts,
pulling coolers towards the Canadian border.
It's gonna look like a giant cattle drive.
There's nothing glamorous... Fifty years from now,
kids are in history class reading about the Battle of Six Flags.
The Siege of Dave & Buster's.
The problem with war, it makes idiocy contagious.
You wind up with mass hysteria, like this country right now.
Half this country swears there's a Muslim invasion, right now,
and the other half swears there's a Nazi invasion.
That's why this country's built on compromise.
'Cause the Founding Fathers understood most people are mentally ill.
And the problem with compromise, nobody ever compromises.
Our system has been in gridlock for 40 years
and no one seems alarmed by this.
It's like our system's like, you're sitting in your car in traffic
for 40 years.
You're honking your horn, your battery's dead,
you're out of gas, you've pissed your pants.
You're cursing, "I'm gonna kill everybody!
I'll kill... I'll kill myself and everybody else."
And the person next to you goes, "Yeah, but at least you get to say that.
That's the beauty of this country."
And let's remember, war is more likely to start
when extremists start to rise to the top.
Because extremists are who you want in charge during a war.
You don't want moderate generals.
Who needs a moderate general?
You don't want a general giving that pre-battle speech,
"Okay, men, we're gonna descend that hill and destroy that village.
Remember something. Those people down there are basically just like us...
deep down.
It's a different culture. Now, let's go kill 'em."
You don't want philosophers. You want generals.
"They're bad. We're good."
And we're not gonna be able to stop war once it starts.
No one in history has figured out how to stop a war.
Nobody's even figured out how to stop bar fights.
How are we gonna stop wars?
And bars are the last place there should ever be a fight.
Bars are the happiest place on Earth.
It's like Disneyland for adults.
You're not at work anymore.
You're with friends. There's liquor, music, attractive people,
and there's still violence.
Work is where you would've expected to have seen violence, is all.
'Cause you're at work.
9:30, Tuesday morning,
should be the most violent place on the planet.
"Don't go near the copier. It's a bucket of blood."
So, how did all this happen to such a great empire?
Well, for one thing, we wanted more.
That was our mission statement.
"Bigger, better, faster, more."
Started out with 13 colonies and now we're at 50 states.
What was wrong with 13 colonies?
Thirteen seems like a lot.
We were already bigger than England and France.
But we got greedy.
We didn't take the hint from God.
God put giant mountain ranges and rivers all over the place.
That was to indicate different countries.
Europe, same size as us, basically. Bunch of different countries.
'Cause they understood,
every 700 miles, people have a different personality.
I mean, do you really think Hungary and Scotland have less in common
than Utah and New Jersey?
And the glue that was gonna keep us all together,
keep us from tribalism, civil war...
All that Constitution stuff,
democracy, equality, free speech.
"Free speech." Boy, did we take that one too far.
Nobody ever shuts up in this country.
And for a country based on free speech, I gotta say,
haven't heard a lot of great speeches come out of here.
If you can name 20 great speeches since our country began,
I'm wrong, but you can't.
There's been like five.
The Martin Luther King speech,
the John F. Kennedy speech,
and the next three were end-of-the-season monologues
on The Bachelor...
Where the guy gives the speech to the girl.
He's like, "With you, I feel like I can be me,
but..."
[sighs] "But with her,
I feel like I can be the man I'm supposed to be someday.
And...
I did...
And I did put myself out there,
and I do see myself with a wife and children
and a family someday,
and it would only be with you.
But you're so perfect that that scares me.
That's why I'm sending you home,
and I'm giving...
I'm giving a rose to her."
Yeah, free speech did nothing, but it gave everybody an opinion.
And social media ruined opinion.
Because free speech was never meant to go electric.
That was an acoustic art.
It was meant to be spoken on top of a tree stump
in front of seven other farmers,
or maybe in a general store,
sitting outside on the porch in a rocking chair.
If somebody told you, even 15 years ago,
"We have this idea
where everybody is gonna be able to give their innermost thoughts,
all day, every day,
minute-by-minute updates to the entire planet."
You would say, "Oh, God, no. Please don't do that."
That's gonna...
That's gonna lead to a breakdown of communication,
accusation, ridicule, and mob rule.
Because social media sounds like the ultimate democracy.
A civil exchange of ideas among all people equally.
Nobody knew it was gonna turn into drunks at a wedding,
grabbing the microphone out of the best man's hand.
It's like, "Hold on. I wanna say something right now."
"Who is that?"
"I don't know. He's not supposed to be up there. It's a...
He's the date of some girl who works with the bride. Yeah."
Remember when the Internet started,
we were all positive soccer moms.
Everybody was posting pictures of unicorns,
sunsets, rainbows,
inspirational quotes.
"Make yesterday today's tomorrow."
Yeah. It's corny, but look at it now.
"Stay in your lane."
"Keep my name out of your mouth."
"Die in a fire."
And I'm old, you know. I grew up offline.
And in those days,
if you wanted to have a political debate with somebody,
you couldn't do it in your underwear.
You had to get dressed, go down to the local bar,
pick up the newspaper,
find somebody you knew disagreed with you politically.
You'd be like, "You like this, don't you?"
Guy goes, "Matter of fact, I do. What's your problem?"
And then you'd have a debate
but it was friends, family, people you knew from the neighborhood.
So the bar itself was Facebook.
And Twitter was all the strangers doing coke in the bathroom together.
Speaking in short bursts of under 280 characters.
Paranoid like, "Yeah, why are you following me, huh?
Trying to send me a message? I'll block you."
Reddit was the regulars at the bar that were there too often
so they'd notice things no one should ever notice.
Just watching all the time.
"Man, did you change the taps on the IPA?"
"Okay, that's enough out of you."
And the troll was the guy in the corner, asleep,
who'd just lift his head up every three hours and go,
"Everybody here can kiss my ass."
You're like, "All right.
That's enough out of you.
We're gonna unfriend you if you keep it up."
Yeah. The other thing social media did,
it created sub-categories of personalities.
Messiah people.
There's people that have a savior complex on social media.
Which, I get it.
If you have more than 12 followers,
technically, you're doing better than Jesus ever did.
That's what they're probably thinking.
"Hey, Jesus had 12, I have 23.
I should probably weigh in on some of the matters of the day."
The grandiosity, the self-importance,
thumbs up, thumbs down...
We created a nation of Roman emperors.
Also, people that think because they're famous,
that must mean they're intelligent.
You have famous people
that have spent every day of the last five years online,
arguing with Mississippi teenagers over the Affordable Care Act.
Athletes giving civics lessons
to electricians from Topeka.
Filmmakers on the red carpet scolding sheet-metal workers.
Like the guy's supposed to go,
"I better listen to him.
He directed a superhero movie I kind of liked three years ago."
I saw a famous actor tweeting from the Mediterranean,
"Here on vacation with my son in Italy.
Just want to remind people back home
to get out next week and vote for 3rd Alderman,
14th district in Southwest Indiana."
Does he not know
he's lecturing a guy
in the 14th district in Southwest Indiana
who's eating a Hungry-Man dinner
on an engine block in the living room?
For his son's birthday, he has to convince him
his old welding helmet is an Iron Man mask.
He has no vacation.
Vacation... He lets the kids come down to the job site
and play with the blasting caps
while his wife's trying to get a suntan laying on a paving shovel.
You don't drive up to people in your Lamborghini,
splash 'em with mud. When they go, "What'd you do that for?"
You go, "I'm speaking truth to power."
But people don't care what I'm saying right now.
Everybody wants to control other people.
What they say, what they think. Everybody.
Even people that you'd go to see
with the express purpose of having a different opinion.
Like a comedian, hypothetically.
Yes, a lot of people are focused on comedians' language.
Yeah, it's been really fun watching comedy become "woke"
and...
[applause]
Because... Yeah.
No, look.
Bloggers tell me all the time. They say,
"As a comedian, don't you realize
you're supposed to evolve with your audience?"
And that is true. That's actually why I got into comedy.
So I could march in lockstep with society's contemporary convention.
[cheering and applause]
Anyway...
I wanted to conform to the status quo.
They asked me when I was a little kid,
"Colin, what do you wanna be when you grow up?" I said,
"I don't care. As long as I get to reinforce
mainstream opinion."
People said, "You sound like you'd be a good comedian."
You know, all this focus on language
makes me realize we need a natural disaster fast,
just to give people a perspective.
Do you think during the plague, people are covered with boils,
and they're like, "I'm uncomfortable with the phrase
'throw out your dead,' first of all.
It's marginalizing. It's a little bit demonizing."
The other thing free speech gave is everybody's a critic.
Everybody knows what's wrong.
Even if you don't have a solution, it doesn't matter.
You get to give your opinion.
Ask anybody what's wrong with this country, they know. Geniuses.
"I'll tell you the problem with this country. These politicians."
Everybody's like, "Oh, there's a fresh take." You know.
They're like, "No, it's these corporations."
"It's the insurance companies." "It's the drug companies."
"It's the legal system." "It's the justice system."
"It's the unions." "It's the immigrants."
"It's the American people."
And finally, the big-picture visionary.
"Problem with this country is it's a corrupt, decaying,
systemically sexist, racist, homophobic, xenophobic,
genocidal hellhole."
Like, "That sounds terrible.
You gotta get out of there fast. You gotta leave."
Like, "Why would I leave? It's the greatest country in the world."
Yeah. So, free speech was a stupid idea
'cause we're not smart enough to handle that.
It should've been Free Speech Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
Say whatever you want.
Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, facial expressions only.
Sunday, you think about what you're gonna say that week.
What else? Law.
We're not a nation of men. We're a nation of laws, right?
And, uh, people that enforce those laws are called "representatives."
That was the genius of the Founding Fathers.
They said, "Middleman." That's what they came up with.
Politicians, lawyers, cops.
People you can focus your anger on,
so you don't end up chasing each other
around the town squares with hammers all day.
Because if there was no real estate agent,
the old days, no middleman,
people would just walk up, knock on your door,
"Hey, what's up. I like your house. I wanna live here."
"Well, I live here. I like it."
"Do you like it enough to die for it?
'Cause that's where this is going, you understand that?"
You'd have to go, "Excuse me." Go in the back,
get a sharpened object, come out and slice their head off.
Put it on a stake outside your house.
That was to tell everybody, "Not for sale."
Instead, you got the middleman.
Real estate agent who goes, "You don't even need to talk to each other.
You never meet.
It's just, here's the law, here's the contract,
here's the way we do it."
But we even took that too far.
Now, we just use it to blame the middleman.
Like politicians. Perfect example.
People go, "These politicians are corrupt." Why?
"Because they do favors for people that gave them money to get elected."
First of all, that sounds like an ethical person to me.
A corr...
A corrupt person takes your money and doesn't do you a favor.
It's not their fault the system is set up
where all representatives have to go, hat in hand,
to the advertising executive.
"Can I do a commercial tonight? Thirty seconds?"
Guy's like, "$100,000."
"But you don't understand. This is not for a product.
This is for the election. The foundation of our democracy."
And the advertising agent's like,
"And you don't understand, this is the season finale
of Young Sheldon."
Yeah.
The problem with our system of law is that it's not even our system.
It's based on Roman law.
That system best known for killing Jesus Christ.
I'd say we got off on the wrong foot.
The first democratic vote I ever heard of, Pontius Pilate.
The Roman governor brings out Barabbas and Jesus,
and goes, "We're stepping out of this. It's up to you.
Only you people decide who lives, who dies.
Got Barabbas. You've seen him around town.
He murders people.
There's nothing else you would know him from,
except murdering people.
We got this new guy, Jesus. He just got here Monday.
He's...
We think he's a false prophet, but it's, you know...
We get a lot of those. It's basically a misdemeanor in Judaea."
And Jesus lost... He didn't lose,
Jesus got swept.
And we kept voting that way.
Why? Why would the Founding Fathers keep a system of law
where the son of God could lose to a serial killer?
Why? Because they felt
they could neutralize the mob rule aspect of democracy
with representatives.
So, when you go outside tonight,
if there's somebody naked, waving a machete around,
which I'm sure you've all seen a couple of times...
You don't think like a mob, like,
"Let's stone him to death. Burn him alive like the good old days."
You think, representative.
Middleman. "Somebody should call a cop."
Because in a representative democracy,
there's a guy with a mustache that passed the civil service test.
He's supposed to show up and go, "What do you want me to do?"
And you go, "Get in the middle."
And there were other systems of law before ours too,
that worked well.
Duels, vendettas, vigilante justice.
Nobody sued for slander in the days of duels.
You'd take care of it yourself. You'd walk up,
"I heard you said the Duke of Gloucester was a scoundrel."
And the guy's like, "Yeah, so what?"
"So, I'm the Duke of Gloucester. That's 'so what.'
En garde, you slithering rat-catcher." You know.
Vendetta. In the days of vendetta...
Vendetta... Some other family would come
and start grazing their animals on your land,
which is kind of... That's an insult.
That's like if somebody puts their jacket on the back of your seat.
That's an intrusion on your territory.
So, they'd go to the elders, "What do we do?
They're grazing animals on our land. Do we kill them?"
He's like, "You don't kill them. You let them...
They're poor, like us.
They got four yaks. We have four yaks.
Let them grow. Let them have family. Let them graze.
Let them be prosperous. Kids, grandkids, great-grandkids.
Then when they're at the pinnacle of their success,
then you kill them."
That's a vendetta.
So, if somebody puts their jacket on the back of your seat
at this show, you're not gonna do anything.
But wait till you're at Hamilton.
Then, it might...
Then, it might actually mean something.
And vigilante justice, which was...
Say what you want about vigilante justice,
things like sexual harassment never happened.
They never got off the ground.
'Cause the girl would come home crying, "Papa!"
"What's the matter, daughter?"
"My supervisor, Carl, is saying disgusting things to me."
He's like, "Really? Get your brothers. Get your cousins."
Go down there. "Are you Carl?"
"Yeah." Beat him to death with shovels. Yeah.
It worked, but it was too primitive for our taste.
We replaced it with the Constitution.
The biggest middleman of all, by the way.
But we even took the Constitution too far,
where now it serves the guilty more than the victim
'cause of the red tape.
'Cause now a girl comes home, she's crying.
She's talking to the Constitution, not her father.
She's like, "My supervisor, Carl, says disgusting--"
"Well, that's freedom of speech. 'Says' is a tricky area."
"Yeah, but he sits too close to me at work--"
"Eh, freedom of assembly."
"But he's asked me out like 30 times. I turn him down, he won't stop--"
"Right to petition."
And then, First Amendment, the Bill of Rights, led to what?
Sodom and Gomorrah. That's what rights always lead to.
We are literally swiping other human beings, right?
People are swiping other human beings every day.
That's... If you showed Tinder to Caligula...
He would've gone, "Let me get this straight.
Oh, my God. Are you serious? This is what you...
Geez, I mean, I like to have a good time, but this is really too much."
We're gonna have to pull back.
We're gonna go back to dating, what dating was before electricity.
No sex. That's how this country got built.
Guys show up...
Next generation, young guys are gonna show up at the door.
Bow hello to the family, like the old days.
First date was the same date every time,
a walk on a path.
Just take a nice walk on a path.
Second date, things start to heat up a little bit.
You push her on a swing for 20 minutes.
A swing was a nice time back then.
A swing is still, actually, a nice time. That's what's embarrassing.
You ever go on a swing accidentally as an adult,
and you start to enjoy yourself? You feel embarrassment.
But that's how this country was built. Nobody had sex.
Through the 1940s. You watch those 1940s movies,
the guy's trying to get a kiss.
That's... One kiss! That's the plot of the whole movie.
It's World War II. He's got a sailor outfit on.
"Come on, doll, give me a kiss. I'm crazy about you.
I'm shipping out tomorrow." He's always shipping out tomorrow.
And the girl's like, "No," you know.
He's got 500 wingmen behind him on the destroyer.
And, like, they're trying to back him up. Like...
[singing] ♪ Give him a kiss, honey Give him a kiss, baby ♪
♪ Give him a kiss, baby ♪
You know, he tries to tell her, "This is war. This is real, hon.
We're going to Normandy beach on this thing tomorrow.
Can I get one kiss? I got a bad feeling about this, you know."
She'd say, "Honeymoon." That's when you got the first kiss.
Honeymoon. That's the first time you had sex.
Even when I was a kid,
Johnny Carson would get on TV and make jokes about the honeymoon,
all the old people would fall out of their chairs laughing
'cause that was the dirtiest joke you could say.
That's the first time you had sex.
And Johnny'd be out there, like...
[imitates Carson] "Then they went on their honeymoon." You know.
And all the old ladies would be like,
"Oh, Johnny, you are too much! I swear, you are too much."
Like, "They didn't leave the room for three days." "Johnny!"
Now, people go on their honeymoon,
they've had sex with each other hundreds of times.
Nothing special happening.
Like, "Hey, it's our honeymoon. You wanna have sex?"
"What about the paddleboard rental, huh?
What is your problem?
I don't wanna have sex with you. This is our honeymoon!
We're supposed to be doing things different than we do back home,
making memories.
There's parasailing, a volcano tour.
I've had sex with you half my life.
I've never been on a zip-line."
Yeah, there once was a kinder, gentler time.
Even the music back then, the '40s music,
it wasn't, like, so overtly sexual.
Nobody mentioned any body...
It was... Lower your expectations. You know what I mean?
It's like... No "tits, ass."
"Your eyes."
"Your lips." [sighs]
"The stars."
"The way you wear your hat." You know.
Lower expectat--
Guy would get an erection just on the idea
of the moon bouncing off your hair.
And I know some people will say, "No, it was healthy
that we started having pre-marital sex in the 1960s."
No, it wasn't.
If it was, then why a year later...
It should've been novelty enough...
Pre-marital missionary position should've kept us going for 80 years,
but a year later, people were bored.
"Let's have doggy style." "Why don't you get on top?"
Three-way, oral, anal.
And now, do you even recognize sex?
Smack you in the face. "Excuse me."
Pull your hair.
Spit.
Choke hold.
When I was growing up, sex would end 'cause the girl would go, "I came."
Now, they tap out.
Because I grew up in the 1970s, different--
1970s, they thought we were wild.
We were like innocent children compared to today.
If one of our friends had ever walked up to us
with a Polaroid in his hands
and we were like, "What's that?" He's like, "It's a...
A picture of my penis."
"Why do you have that? Did the doctor take that?"
He's like, "No, I took it myself."
"Are you bringing it to the doctor?"
"No. I was gonna show that girl over there."
"Why would you do that?"
He's like, "'Cause I like her."
We would've had to beat him to death.
'Cause that would be the sign of a serial killer.
I guarantee it was illegal
to have a picture of your penis, and to hand it to another person
in this country till like 2011 or something.
Still probably in the FBI profile of a serial killer.
"Starts fires when they're little kids.
Cruel to animals.
Has picture of pretty average penis,
thinks it's a great ice-breaker."
Sex. Another thing we just took too far.
Not all of us, obviously. You know who you are.
And...
You know what you've done.
What's left? Democracy. Equality.
"Equality," another one of those great ideas,
turned out to be a really bad move.
"Equal under the law" means everybody is equal under the law.
That means it protects assholes.
That means, the person... When you're at work on your computer,
the person that comes up on your left shoulder
and taps you, and you turn around there,
and then they've moved over to your right shoulder,
and they think that's funny...
That person's vote counts the same as yours every election.
That means your funny cousin...
At a family get-together, you have a drink in your hand,
and they come up behind you
and say hello by giving you the knee to the back of your knee,
so you go like that and spill your drink and almost fall,
that person gets the same federal holidays that you get.
Miss, you probably get up at 6:00, 6:30 every morning,
go to work, whatever free time you have, you try to be a good citizen.
Vote, try to look at the issues.
Lowlife back there, gets up at 11:00,
checks the Bleacher Report.
Last time he voted was the NL All-Star Game 2012, you know.
Same stamp on his passport that you have.
That's equality. It's not justice.
It's democracy, animal.
Yeah, 'cause "democracy" is another one of those great words,
but really, democracy... First of all,
we live collectively in a democracy, which is fine.
Individually, you have not lived in a democracy.
Your life has not been... A sliver of it has been in democ...
Eight hours a day you've been at work.
That's a dictatorship. You don't vote at work.
"We want Thursday afternoons off, we voted."
"You're fired."
Six hours a day, you're with your family. That's a tribal system.
An hour and a half a day, you're on the subway.
That's a failed anarchist experiment.
And six hours a day, you're asleep.
So, you live in a democracy two and a half hours a day of your life.
Half that time, you're arguing over mispronunciations with Alexa.
Waiting for your name to be called out at Starbucks.
'Cause democracy is not a functioning system.
It's a great concept.
We don't use it at work. We don't use it at school.
You need a teacher. A strong leader, a teacher.
You see what happens when the teacher leaves
and the kids are in the playground for recess.
They form their own government, and it ain't a democracy.
It's law of the jungle.
Suddenly, warlords start to emerge, giving out orders.
"Trip him, he's got books."
"Push him, he's got glasses."
"Pull her hair, she's too quiet."
It becomes a pack of hyenas
looking for the gazelle with the braces and the inhaler.
Yeah. Democracy is... First of all,
Founding Fathers didn't come up with it. Greeks invented it.
They just rode their wave. They were in the right place at the right time.
Now, they're on the right side of history,
which is all anybody wants anymore, to be on the right side of history.
What a foolish goal. You'll never know.
You can be on the right side, then you're on the wrong side one day.
You know who was on the right side of history?
Five-hundred years in this country,
Christopher Columbus.
From 1492 till 1992,
you never heard a bad word about this guy.
They named cities after him,
schools, streets, circles.
Then one day, like 11 years ago, people started coming to me,
"You know what tomorrow is, right?
Columbus Day."
Like it was Manson's birthday.
He went from the right side to the wrong side,
and he was dead the whole time. He didn't do anything different.
But the thing about our country, we try to atone for our sins of the past.
So, right now, some states are already
changing the name of Columbus Day to "Indigenous Peoples' Day."
Everybody goes, "That's great. What a great idea."
That's how stupid everybody is.
First of all, do you think Indigenous people want
their national holiday to be on the day Columbus landed in America?
This is...
You know, this is when you know a country is on its way out,
when, even our holidays,
we gotta have drama questioning our holiday
'cause that means we're questioning ourselves, our identity.
We still celebrate 'em, but there's always controversy.
Celebrate Thanksgiving but just focus on the family.
You'll never see the picture you saw when I was a kid,
with a long table,
with the Pilgrims and the tribal chiefs breaking bread.
Just a close-up on the turkey. Crop out the backstory.
Still celebrate Christmas, but no Christ, no mass,
but just "Christ-mas."
I don't know how Valentine's Day has slipped under the radar.
Talk about the unequal power, gendered dynamics.
Trading chocolate and flowers for sex. What...
That's okay?
Cupid's arrow raises consent issues.
It's a mythological roofie.
We still celebrate Fourth of July.
That's the one I would've gotten rid of,
because the Declaration of Independence,
that created expectation.
We made promises there.
We declared ourselves to be the good guy.
What a rookie move.
You never go full good guy.
Then you have to live up to it.
Russia played history perfectly.
From day one they go, "We're the asshole."
Then no matter what they do... They invade the Ukraine.
You're like, "That's messed up.
They did say they were the asshole, though. Give 'em that."
And now, here it is, 243 years later,
and we're running on fumes.
America, we had such promise, you know.
Mmm. We lived up to...
Some of the big promises, we did live up to.
The big one, when I was a kid,
they said, "The reason the United States is so great,
anybody can grow up and become President of the United States."
Hey, they said "anybody." They weren't kidding on that one.
But just because Trump spends all day on Twitter,
inflicting his severe psychological damage on all of us,
doesn't mean you don't do the same thing.
Because Trump is more than just a person,
and less than just a person, ironic.
He's an idea.
And he's the hill the people he speaks to have chosen to die on,
and they're not all Nazis.
Because if you're crouching as a plumber under a rusty sink after the age of 40,
with bad knees, a three-Bavarian-cream habit a day,
and a 12-year-old truck,
you don't like being told to acknowledge your privilege.
And everybody's telling you to do that, except Trump.
Because it's easy to be charitable
when it's not your job on the line. All right?
I mean, right now, you know and I know, somewhere out there...
south of the border, there's a Mexican George Clooney,
better-looking than George Clooney,
a better actor, more charismatic,
and he would do George Clooney movies
for one-twentieth the salary that George does it for.
And if he ever makes his way up north,
George Clooney might be chanting,
"Build that wall! Build that wall!"
Because some people hear Trump, they probably hear the Founding Fathers.
Hey, you never heard the Founding Fathers talk.
What if they sounded like Trump?
[imitating Trump] "We, the people of the United States,
in order to form a more perfect Union...
and actually it's getting pretty perfect, it's actually pretty fantastic.
They won't... They don't wanna report it. It's pretty great.
James Madison, very bright guy. James Madison.
Little Jimmy. I call him 'Little Jimmy' Madison.
It's a joke. Take a joke.
He can't take a joke. He doesn't take a joke.
Alexander Hamilton.
Crazy Al. I call him 'Crazy Al.'
He wants to start a bank. He wants to start a national bank.
I don't know. Maybe we will. We'll see. We'll see."
[in normal voice] 'Cause the mistake is, you're looking at him
like he's a candidate that was elected to political office,
he's a... Instead of what he was,
a middle finger.
Because look at Christians. Intelligent people say to me,
"How could Christians have voted for Trump?"
Here's the left's strategy to Christians the past 50 years.
"Hey, you superstitious idiots. Are you gonna vote for us?"
I don't know why that doesn't work.
Trump was probably the least Christian person
that's walked the face of the Earth in a couple of centuries, but...
he brings them in.
Gives the speeches like it's a corporate event.
You know, he doesn't really know, but he's like...
[imitating Trump] "You Christian people,
are some of the most fantastic, tremendous people.
Your faith is actually a wonderful thing. I love your faith. I love it. I...
The Bible is a great read, by the way. What a great...
What a great, great book.
I read it at Mar-a-Lago. I never read it before, I read it.
Fantastic. Could not put it down.
Read it at Mar-a-Lago. It's a beach read. It's a great beach read.
You got Joseph and Mary,
they're trying to get in... They're trying to get in, she's pregnant.
She's about to have the baby. They can't get in.
They can't get in, I don't know why. Nobody lets them in the inn.
No room at the inn. I've owned hotels.
Sometimes you don't want people in for different reasons.
But, you know...
They finally do get in. They have the baby.
He grows up to become a tremendous success.
And, uh, lot of things happen. Some good, some not so good.
Treated very unfairly, by the way. Very unfairly.
Jesus, it's really...
It's actually a disgrace, the way Jesus was treated.
I'll be honest with you."
[in normal voice] Yeah. But even the people who love Trump,
I think we all know how this is gonna end.
'Cause you think the term...
It's obviously not gonna be the traditional,
waving goodbye on the White House lawn.
Jump in the chopper.
Even he doesn't think it'll end that way, hmm?
It's probably... Last scene in Scarface, I would think.
You know?
It just... It can be no other.
Just, you know, Trump sitting alone in the Oval Office
at a giant table.
Snorting whatever prescription meds he's been doing this whole time.
Abandoned by everybody.
Just like, Tony Montana relates to him. Like Tony, you know...
Navy SEALs go through the bay windows.
You hear flashbang grenades.
They carry a stretcher, comes out and you're like,
"Jesus... Well, I kind of thought so, but Jesus Christ."
But however Trump leaves,
our fundamental differences don't leave with him.
We're still divided.
The Founding Fathers wrote in the Declaration of Independence,
"When in the course of human events,
it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve
the political bands that have connected them to another..."
And they were writing that about us and England,
but they say, subconsciously, you're always writing about yourself.
And maybe...
they knew this day was coming.
And now this day is here.
And now what, you know?
No, I'm asking you. Now what? I don't...
I wrote 60% of this show
and I was like, "Wow, this was hard." You know?
Um, well, we have a suggestion box in the lobby.
If anybody is so inclined... You never know.
Um, yeah.
My idea, we break it up into city-states.
Ancient Greece gave us democracy, they gave us city-states.
Use it. City-states...
'Cause Greece understood when Persia invades,
you have to be united. Otherwise, don't go near each other.
"We have nothing in common."
Totally different personalities.
Sparta, Athens...
Sparta, all jocks.
Basically standing around doing kettlebell swings with Venetians' heads.
If you went over 8% body fat,
they'd throw you in the river, get rid of you.
Even little kids had to be tough.
Babies walking around, "I like your six-pack.
Well, you look pretty good, you know. What are you doing?"
"I told my mother no more breast-feeding.
I cut out dairy. It changed my life."
Then you have Athens. Total opposite.
Intellectual thinkers walking up to each other all day.
"Let me ask you something." "What?"
"What is ethics?"
"Whoa, you're blowing my mind right now.
I was gonna ask you, 'What is truth?' And you asked me, 'What is ethics?'"
They'd discuss that for three months. It was...
It was these courtyards of overly chatty people
having these endless, circular, annoying conversations.
The Golden Age of Athens was a nightmare.
It was a 250-year podcast.
That's what we do. Break up into red states, blue states,
in-between states.
E pluribus pluribus.
"Out of many, a few more."
A year from now you could be going to visit
family and friends in the red states.
Drive in, start to hear Rascal Flatts in the background.
Smell barbecue, Aqua Nets.
You get in. It's divided up
into truck stop, RV park, mega-church.
Everybody's wearing orange vests.
It's always hunting season in the red states.
Everybody's got a gun.
The president of the NRA is like the Tim Cook.
He does launches every year with a new product.
Instead of the Apple it's like,
"Okay, this is an iPhone Predator drone.
It goes into your contacts,
syncs it with Google Maps, and all you do is go,
'Siri, kill Steve.'"
Then you go to the blue states.
Your progressive states, safe states.
You know, you go in there, you get close.
You start to see giant speakers on the trees
blasting All Things Considered.
You smell fair-trade coffee.
You go in there and people are getting arrested for micro-aggressions.
They're going to jail for mansplaining and fat-shaming
and file-sharing and live-streaming.
The cops pull you over for cultural appropriations.
It's like, "No, Officer, these aren't dreadlocks.
The rain does this to my hair. I swear to God."
He's like, "Miss, are those hoop earrings?"
"My mother's Peruvian. I have ID."
He's like, "I don't believe her.
Give her a 23andMe. Let's get to the bottom of this."
And I know there are some people that go, "No, we're the United States."
They don't want to give up on the idea of these United States.
And what do they say?
"We never tried the system the way it was supposed to be.
Never tried pure capitalism.
Never tried pure socialism."
We'll have city-states try those too.
Capitalism, another great idea that we took too far.
It started out as a great idea.
One man, one business, his name on the business.
Henry Ford. Ford Motor Company.
And what would he say? "My responsibility is to my workers."
He'd walk around all day.
"Hey, uh, Bill, I told you counter-clockwise on those brake pads.
Ah-ha-ha! You know."
He talked to everybody.
"You betcha, Mr. Ford."
But it became too successful.
Businesses got replaced by corporations,
and somebody more important than the worker emerged from that.
The investor.
And investors have different goals from workers.
They want cheaper labor.
So, when the blue-collar red-state worker says,
"Immigrants are taking my jobs,
technically, they're being given their job by the owner to please the investor.
And then the owner, of course, is gonna plead innocence.
"It's nothing to do with me. I just...
I didn't know the guy's here illegally.
He said he went to my high school."
They go, "But the guy doesn't speak a word of English."
He's like, "I know. It wasn't a very good high school, by the way."
But if you want free market, that's free market.
A lot of socialists too. And I get it.
It's the participation trophy of governmental systems.
Everybody gets a trophy. Everybody gets a paycheck.
And a lot of rich people are socialists now, which is...
Never trust a socialist with a summer house.
I've always said this. You know?
And the problem with socialism, they say, "Let the workers have power.
They'll behave better than the owner or the investor."
Now, power corrupts everybody.
We all have the one friend that has no power,
and you go, "Thank God that person doesn't have power.
They would be a tyrant."
I have one friend from the Bronx,
just obsessed that I'm from Brooklyn.
He's always like, "You gotta come up to this one pizza place."
For years, he's like, "You gotta try the pizza in the Bronx. Best pizza ever."
I'm like, "Yeah, Brooklyn has good pizza too."
"This is the best." We finally get up there,
try the pizza, it's great.
So I go, "This pizza is great."
He goes, "Better than the pizza you grew up with?"
Because for some people, it's not enough.
Equality, compromise, sharing...
it means nothing to them.
Unless you can submit to their will,
turn your back on your childhood pizza place,
and spit on the memory of the pizza guy
that gave me free zeppoles as a child...
they can't enjoy themselves.
They want power.
But if you want socialism, you have to live it, though.
No theoretical socialist.
That means rotate jobs every year.
Bell rings. Chinese food delivery.
"George Clooney. You again? What are you doing?
Where's Xao Peng?"
"He's in Lake Como with a model on my boat right now.
I'm living in a rooming house on Sunset Park.
I should've kept my mouth shut."
And I understand it's sad breaking up the United States,
but we're already broken up, this would just be acknowledging it.
We're already tribal.
We're broken into tribes already. It's over.
Liberal, conservative, white, black, Latino,
Asian, Wall Street, Main Street,
the working poor, the forgotten middle class,
feminists, soccer moms, Bernie bros,
dad bods, man tits, mom jeans,
muffin-tops, unibrows...
Paleo, cardio, keto,
intersectional, trans, vegans...
We're more tribal than 18th-century Afghanistan.
Just admit it. Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, maybe we go out gracefully.
Admit we had a good run, we ran its course.
I mean, we did pretty good. We got dropped down here naked,
surrounded by SUV-sized tigers, monsters,
and we beat them all, we conquered them all
just with our minds and our opposable thumbs to make weapons.
Yeah, these helped us survive.
And ironically, they're gonna destroy us now.
Yeah.
And I mean, we did good. We made something out of nothing.
And the last thing we made, last thing we're gonna make,
AI, robots.
'Cause robots are here to replace us. And they should, right?
I mean...
They just work so much better, so efficient...
And some people go, "Yeah, but what about humor, love, the human touch?"
My phone, which I've had for a year and a half,
has given me more pleasure
and information
than all my friends put together over the entire course of my life.
If you had to give up your cell phone right now,
right here, for the rest of your life...
Give up your cell phone and never have a cell phone again,
or you get a new updated cell phone every year for free,
but one of your friends, the one that you fight with the most,
has to die.
I mean, you don't have to say it out loud,
just think in your heart what you would really...
What you would really do.
See?
I mean, look.
Nobody lifted a finger when robots replaced horses.
Cars are robots for horses.
That's the first time jobs got replaced.
I mean, horses worked for us, and they did more than just cars.
They were your tractor, they were your hunting companion,
your emotional support animal, your best friend.
They were your family. You knew them your whole life.
You were a little kid in the field, they'd go,
"See that pony? That's gonna be your horse one day."
"Oh!" You'd start to nod at each other when you'd pass by.
"Huh."
Finally, the big day comes, you drive into town together.
They're with you for every family event.
Every function. Take you to work, take you to your marriage.
War starts, they go to the frontlines with you.
They died with you. What greater love is there?
And then, cars got invented,
and we just put 'em out to pasture
like they never meant nothin' to us.
They're standing in the field, we're driving by in a Model T Ford.
They're like, "I don't believe this, man.
I saved this son of a bitch's life at the Battle of San Juan Hill.
He likes that robot better than me? They deserve each other.
He's a robot..."
They probably sensed, horse sense...
They sensed we lost our humanity right then.
Because the history of humanity
has been the life of a person.
Early man was like a newborn.
He could barely stand up, can't talk,
trying to form words, surrounded by giant animals.
Ancient Greece is like the four-year-old kid,
just annoying people, asking questions all day.
"What's that? Why? Why? What's that? But why?"
Roman Empire's like the 13-year-old.
Walking around cocky, bumping into people,
snapping each other with towels in the baths.
The Dark Ages, you're like the 19-year-old
when you think the world revolves around you...
until Copernicus proves it doesn't.
It kind of shatters your whole idea of life.
The Enlightenment, when you're in your mid-20s,
and you kind of feel innocent.
Like, "We can get along.
Humanity is good. We can make this work."
And the Industrial Revolution,
when you're in your 30s and you get cynical.
You're like, "Just give me my paycheck. I don't care.
Just doing my job. Every man for himself."
And now, the digital age.
We're all like the old person about to die.
Everybody's hunched over, medicated.
Cursing at the news.
Maybe we already are out to pasture, you know?
Spend most of the time in the house, numb,
waiting for the bell to ring with an Amazon delivery...
Jeff Bezos...
Three years from now, Jeff Bezos is gonna get on every device in your house
whether it's on or not.
And he's just gonna be real,
and go, "Okay, here's the way it is.
Nobody leaves your house from now on.
You want something, tell us what it is and we'll send it to you.
We're sending you all a free pair of pajamas.
Put the pajamas on, start ordering stuff.
Outside is over. It's inside from now on."
Yeah.
Yeah, he's gonna demolish outsides.
It'll be gone.
You'll be like, "Well, what if I want fresh air?"
"How many canisters of fresh air do you need?"
Yeah.
You go outside three years from now, there'll be nothing.
Rats, roaches, and Amazon delivery trucks, that's it.
So, what do we do? We continue along this path,
adding fuel to the fire,
keep going down this bad road?
Probably.
Or, here's a radical idea,
we start to look at ourselves.
Take some responsibility.
See, we have people doing shit for us
we should be doing ourselves most of the time anyway.
Could you hold this for me for a second?
We look in the mirror and see ourselves as we really are.
And realize, most of what everybody says about each other is true.
The right can be a little racist,
and the left can be a little fascist.
And you can tell the Christians by their guns,
and the liberals by their hatred of free speech.
Is this what we're supposed to look-- Is this what we really are?
Let's honestly look at all 50 states and see what we've become.
Let's review.
We'll start with the northeast.
Start with Massachusetts.
Once the home of Sam Adams,
dumping tea into Boston Harbor.
Now the home of Fenway fans,
dumping Sam Adams onto a Yankee outfielder's head.
New Hampshire was once the freedom fighters.
Now it's a liquor store for Massachusetts.
From "live free or die" to "buy one, get one free."
Vermont was the Green Mountain Boys.
Now it's stoners that are lucky we still like Ben & Jerry's.
Maine hasn't changed.
Still early risers that think talking is for queers.
Rhode Island, the only state
where the governor has a baseball bat in the trunk.
Connecticut used to be the enclave of high society.
Now it's just a good place to run fentanyl
from Montreal to the Midwest.
Pennsylvania, if you can't throw a perfect spiral
by the time you're 12, they make you put on a dress.
New York, once immigrants
waving documents to get into Ellis Island.
Now it's millennials waving fake IDs
to get into SantaCon.
New Jersey, a bad idea that continued.
Maryland...
Maryland, you can't steal everybody else's accent
and then combine them and call that your accent.
Delaware. [childishly] "We're a state!"
[cooing] "Yes, you are!"
Then we go to the South.
Mississippi.
It's 90 degrees every day.
How are you still 300 pounds?
Alabama, if it wasn't for football,
nobody would know who you are.
Louisiana, an open-container law is not a culture.
Tennessee,
every time a country music star gets her hair done,
a polar bear's house melts.
Kentucky, no matter what you accomplish,
when anyone says "hillbilly,"
we're all gonna think of you anyway.
Missouri, the "Show Me" state.
You can't call yourselves that
and then have nothing to show us.
Arkansas... Let me ask you a question, Arkansas.
What would you do if Walmart didn't have their headquarters there?
You'd be back to your old job
of throwing pocketknives at each other's feet all day.
Oklahoma, lose the rodeo. You're embarrassing yourselves.
Texas, at this point you're just cowboy cosplay.
You're as authentic as a mechanical bull.
You got the west.
Arizona, all sand and no beach.
That's a... That's a litter box.
New Mexico, ugly Arizona.
California, we felt sympathy
the first seven times you caught on fire.
Now, it's starting to be your fault.
Nevada, the honest state.
They legalized prostitution. They're like,
"We know we have no natural resources,
but, hey, we'll blow you."
Colorado, you're rich, you're beautiful,
and you pretend to be down to earth.
Don't we already have a Gwyneth Paltrow somewhere around here?
Utah...
Congratulations, Mormons. You've done the impossible.
You are both exotic and uncompelling at the same time.
Idaho, how are potatoes
still your most fascinating quality?
Surrounded by steak and you're a side dish.
Wyoming,
you peaked in 1870.
I don't know. We'll call you
if there's a Comanche raid on the fort, I guess.
You got the northwest.
Oregon...
On either side of them, the age of computers
started on their front and back doorstep,
and they said, "Let's open a sneaker store."
Washington, lose the attitude.
You're not the independent bookstore of states, okay.
You sent us serial killers, Starbucks,
and hipsters.
What are you gonna do for an encore,
put Hep C in your apples?
Montana, Big Sky Country.
I got bad news for you.
Everybody has a sky. It's not really...
North Dakota, the country's creepy old uncle in the attic.
South Dakota, you seem stuck.
I don't know, maybe build a city. Just throwing ideas out here.
Wisconsin,
you're fat.
Minnesota, the blond leading the bland.
Michigan, no matter how many times you ask,
nobody's coming back to Detroit. Drop it.
You have the heartlands.
Iowa,
the only state that needs a Me Too movement for the cattle.
Nebraska,
if the Midwest was a romcom,
they'd be the unmarried best friend.
Kansas, there's no place like home.
Unless your home is Kansas, then there's no place...
No place like everyplace else.
Indiana, whoever said blonds have more fun
must've never been to Indiana.
Why do all the point guards look like Anne Heche?
Illinois...
"We're more than just Chicago."
Are you, though?
Ohio, the good middle child of the country.
Reliable, responsible, relatable...
Replaceable.
You got the southeast.
Virginia, the snobs of the South.
Stop trying to be Connecticut, you hayseed.
West Virginia.
Still riding them back roads,
making moonshine, running from Johnny Law, huh?
The manufacture of alcohol has been legal since 1931.
Why do you keep doing this?
The Carolinas, I call them "the Carolinas" together
'cause you know how much that pisses off North Carolina?
Just...
They think they're better than their brother.
They're like the Nick Jonas of the Carolinas.
Georgia,
they shoot The Walking Dead there
and they don't use sets. What does that tell you about yourself?
And then Florida.
Florida, you...
Florida, you bum.
You were...
You were supposed to be the crown jewel of the east.
And you're hanging around 7-Eleven parking lots,
sucking lithium out of car batteries.
Let's not forget our stepchildren.
Hawaii,
you're beautiful, but you're distant.
That's why nobody ever wants to spend more than four days
lying down on top of you.
And Alaska...
We left you alone too long when you were young,
now you're a bit odd.
That's all 50 states right there. Right?
-Thank you. -[cheering and whooping]
Thanks.
Thank you.
And nobody's happy.
I mean, we're supposed to be the happy country,
and nobody is happy.
Why? 'Cause we take everything too far.
The extremes.
Republicans get too greedy.
Democrats get too needy.
The right wants to go back to the 1950s.
The left reacts to everything like it is the 1950s.
So, what are we gonna do?
We're either gonna... Bloody civil war?
Could happen.
We break up.
Or we could all just leave.
If no one's happy, no one's keeping us here.
Everybody go back where you came from.
Go back to Ireland.
You go back to wherever your family's from, right?
That's what people do when they get divorced.
Go back to their parents' house and live there.
Sleep on the couch, eat ice cream, cry.
We just leave. But we leave,
no drama, no fighting, just quietly.
Just tiptoe out.
Like the last scene in the movie The Birds.
Just leave...
The movie The Birds, I love that movie. It reminds me of this country.
'Cause it's noisy, screaming.
Birds tweeting, chirping. People yelling.
Little kids' birthday parties, chocolate all over their face.
And then the last ten minutes, just silence.
Nobody says a word. Nobody utters a sound. That's what we do.
Empty this country out.
Just leave.
No one will be left here...
except whatever Native American tribes are still here.
Because this is their parents' house. Where are they gonna go?
And they'll be standing there, watching for a while.
Maybe a McDonald's bag will float by.
Finally one will turn to another and go,
"Was that the peyote?
Or was that just a really weird
400-year dream I had, called...
America?"
-[audience cheering and clapping] -["Love is Lost" playing]
♪ It's the darkest hour ♪
[loud cheering]
♪ The voice of youth ♪
♪ The hour of dread ♪
♪ The darkest hour ♪
♪ And your voice is new ♪
♪ Love is lost ♪
♪ Lost is love ♪
Thank you.
[cheering continues]