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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
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<i> Ladies and gentlemen,</i>
<i>please welcome Bill Burr!</i>

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All right, thank you. Thank you very much.

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Thank you.

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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
How are you?

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Excellent. Thank you for coming out.

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Very prestigious...

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arena to listen
to my dick and shit jokes over the next...

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...90 minutes.

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No, I'm excited to be here. I am.

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It's very, uh...

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...exciting to be doing stand-up
outside of my own country.

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Yeah. No, not 'cause of you!

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It's how it's become.
Fucking US, everything's so goddamn...

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Every fucking joke you tell,
"Well, what did you mean about that?

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I didn't go to the gym today.
Are you calling <i>me </i>fat?

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I feel fucking triggered."

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Gotta fucking apologize to everybody.

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This is how screwed up
my country is right now.

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-You... You know Bryan Cranston, right?

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That dude did a movie.
He played a quadriplegic...

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and people gave him shit...

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...being like, "Why is there
an able-bodied person

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playing a quadriplegic?"

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It's like, "It's because it's called
acting, you dumb fuck."

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See, if he was a quadriplegic
playing a quadriplegic,

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that's not acting.

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That's just fucking laying there,
saying shit that someone else wrote.

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"So tell us, what did you do
to prepare for the role?"

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"Well, I dove head-first
into the shallow end of a pool

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when I was 23.

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I feel like I've been preparing
for this role for my whole life."

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"Right, what is up next for you?"

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"Oh, well,
they're gonna do a reboot of <i>Top Gun.</i>

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Uh, I'm gonna fly...

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And, uh,
the copilot's gonna be transgender.

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So everybody will be happy.

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She won't die. Her discarded dick
will block her head from the canopy.

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There'll be a gender-neutral bathroom
on the plane."

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How fucking dumb is that?
That's literally like watching a movie,

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"Why didn't you have a murderer
play a murderer?

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And how come the guy he shot,
I saw him in another movie?"

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I mean, what the fuck is going on?

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No, I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.

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I don't know what the fuck is going on...

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but I think white women started it.

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Oh! It's the worst.

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The fucking worst. That's all they do,
is bitch, moan, and complain.

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I had no idea how difficult it was

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to be a white woman
in the United States of America.

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Evidently, it's really difficult.

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Yeah, they're always bitching.

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"Do you have any idea
what it's like to be me?"

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"Well, I imagine it would be
slightly less awesome than my life."

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"What happened to you today,
sweetheart, huh?

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Did they not chill your rosé?"

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You know? "Was the trolley
not running down at the mall?

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What happened?"

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No, it's unreal.

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I'm really fucking annoyed
how white women have the fucking balls

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to throw my white privilege in my face.

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You know?

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Start to separate themselves
from these "white males,

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with their white male privilege."

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It's like, "Bitch, you're sitting
in the Jacuzzi with me!

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The fuck are you talking about?

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Yeah! Quit your fucking whining."

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Look... here's a little caveat here,

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so you don't think I'm a complete asshole
right out of the gate, all right?

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If you fucking... If you're living
some Honey Boo Boo lifestyle

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on the Appalachian Trail, you know,

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and your uncle
just banged you in the dirt,

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all right, I can listen to you.

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No, one of my fantasies
is I wanna drive by, like,

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a woman's rally and just say
the most sexist shit I can think of...

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just to watch them lose their minds.

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You know,
just drive by real slow and be like,

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"Yeah, why don't you get back
in the kitchen where you belong?"

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Just to look in the rearview mirror,

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watching them, "ah,"
flipping out in the road.

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Spinning around like Leatherface

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at the end of <i>Texas Chain Saw Massacre,</i>
like...

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"Ah! Ah! Ah!"

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Yeah. No, it's a very, uh...
I don't know, times are changing, I guess.

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I don't know.

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Yeah.
Michelle Obama's doing an arena tour.

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That's another thing going on.
I'm gonna say that again.

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Michelle Obama...

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...is doing an arena tour.

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She's not playing comedy clubs.
She's doing arenas.

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When did First Ladies
start acting like they got elected?

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You know?

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Dude, being a First Lady,
that's not a fucking job.

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Just standing there, smiling and waving.

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Hey?

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Look how quiet it is in here.
Why is it so fucking quiet?

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You think that's a job?

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It's not a fucking job!

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Dude, if you really think it's a job,
just look at him.

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Right? Look at Obama.

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When that guy got elected,
he looked like he was about 41 years old.

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When he left office,
that guy looked like he was about 73.

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Right?

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Look at Michelle.

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She looks younger now than she did
when that dude got elected.

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What has she done
for the last eight years...

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...yeah, other than lay in a giant vat
of Illuminati-level lotion?

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Just sitting there, floating.

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A couple hours, a shape-shifter comes in
and dumps another bucket on her.

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"Here's some more... more of this."

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She pops her head up: "Hey, Bam-Bam,
tell Stevie Wonder to come down

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and play some songs tonight."

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Yeah. I found out she's doing a tour,
'cause she's doing a book tour.

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Yeah, she wrote a book.

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She wrote a book about not having a job.

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I gotta read that fucking book!

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"Chapter One,
how to know if a dick tastes presidential.

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How to weed your way...

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How to weed your way through
all that local representative cock

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and get to the big swinging dick
in the room."

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I'll tell you right now,
say what you want

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about Republican Presidents,
but they got their First Ladies in line.

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They do!

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Dude, George W. was President
for eight years. Eight years!

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I don't even know his wife's name!

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What was it, Abigail or some shit?
Maggie? No clue!

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Donald Trump's wife stands behind him
like a giant meerkat, like...

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Bill Clinton was President,
his wife never shut up.

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"Ah! I wanna do healthcare! Ah!"

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He fucked around on her so much.

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He was like,
"All right, whatever, just do it."

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But I'm telling you right now,
I'm gonna check out that fucking tour.

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I gotta see what that's all about.
You know?

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Who opens? Who opens on that fucking tour?

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Was it Oprah Winfrey's husband? You know?

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Does he fucking come out and talk about
what it's like to walk her dogs?

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"I do it for 20 minutes a day.

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The cocker spaniel's
probably the most fussiest,

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and I gotta bring him around."

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Look, I'm sure that there's some, uh,
feminists in the crowd right now

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not appreciating this joke,
feeling triggered,

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feeling like they need to fucking put out
a hashtag or some shit.

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And be brave and speak out.

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You know what? You're full of shit.

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You are.

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All...

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All those feminists are full of shit.

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'Cause I'm gonna tell you right now,
someday... someday, there's gonna be,

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there's gonna be
the first woman President. All right?

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-Which means...

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You don't even know
what her fucking platform is,

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and you automatically cheer.

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"Ooh, ooh, it's got the same genitalia!

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Ooh!"

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Fucking... I'm telling you.
They're not smart people.

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Feminists, they're not as smart
as they're coming off, I'm telling you.

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Someday...

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there's gonna be...

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This is going to be my last show ever
by the time this fucking thing comes out.

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Someday, there's gonna be
the first female President,

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which means there's gonna be
the first male First Lady. Right?

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And you wait. You fucking wait!

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The first time that dude opens his mouth
about some political shit,

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you watch all these feminists.

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They're all gonna be, "You shut
the fuck up! You shut the fuck up!

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It is her time now. It is her time.
She was elected, not you!

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Go pick out some plates, bitch!

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00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:10,860
You are the First Lady."

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He's gonna get treated like Tom Arnold
when he was with Roseanne.

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Secret Service name will be,
like, "Appendix" or "Doesn't Matter."

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"'Not Worthy of Protecting'
just entered the Oval Office.

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'Not Worthy of Protecting'."

174
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,217
So, anyways...

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There's been, uh...

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The Me Too movement has happened
since the last time I was here.

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Yeah, no, it had to happen, Jesus Christ,
but, you know, I think it's dying down.

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You know?
I don't know, I think they got everybody.

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Right?

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Just judging by the stories,
I feel like they kind of got everybody.

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'Cause the first stories that came out,
they were fucking unbelievable.

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It was just guys taking their dicks out
at work, like, "Look at it! Look at it!

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00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:07,917
Ah! Ah! Ah!"

184
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,045
Fucking blocking doors
and jizzing on plants.

185
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You're fucking at home watching,
"Jesus Christ, people did this shit?"

186
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I remember this one poor woman
said she was a PA,

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went into some director's trailer,
and he came...

188
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:28,688
allegedly, came running out,
masturbating vigorously

189
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,690
while holding a shrimp cocktail.

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00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:36,862
I swear to God!

191
00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:40,866
I know that's fucked up,
but I gotta tell you something.

192
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:43,285
It's a little bit funny
that she felt the need

193
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to use the adjective "vigorously"
after she said he was masturbating.

194
00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:50,292
"He was masturbating vigorously."

195
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:53,212
I'm thinking in my head,
"Like, as opposed to what?"

196
00:11:57,049 --> 00:12:00,010
As far as I know,
there is only one successful way

197
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:04,390
to perform that act,
and that would be vigorously.

198
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:09,854
Is there another way to do it?
Can you do it passively? You know?

199
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:11,272
Is that how Sting does it?

200
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:13,858
Is that how he's able to fuck
for hours and hours?

201
00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:17,945
Fans a little air on it.
He puts on "Fields Of Gold."

202
00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:20,448
Just lets that thing rise up.

203
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:21,365
Just...

204
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,868
Just letting it marinate, right?

205
00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:28,873
Yeah, so the stories were big
in the beginning.

206
00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:30,958
Like, "Oh, my God,
what a bunch of fucking animals."

207
00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:34,044
And then they just started tapering...
tapering off.

208
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:37,673
And about, I don't know, six months in,
they just sounded like bad dates.

209
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:42,344
It was like, "He was... He was
ten minutes late. The chicken was cold.

210
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:45,389
I think I was raped. Career over!"

211
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:49,435
"What about my side of the story?"

212
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:51,020
"Fuck your side of the story!

213
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,814
You have a dick and balls.
We don't wanna hear it!"

214
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:58,944
Yeah.
It's really weird how the whole thing...

215
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:02,364
It went from, like, nobody listening...
men not listening to women at all,

216
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,785
to just this total over-correction
that anything they fucking said

217
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:07,328
means it happens, you know?

218
00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:09,914
They got these hashtags like,
you know, "Believe women."

219
00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:12,500
"Believe women," right?

220
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:15,336
That's a little open-ended, huh?

221
00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:18,506
Just straight across the fucking board,
all of them?

222
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,424
Every last fucking one of them?

223
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,135
What about the psychos?

224
00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:27,223
What about the ones that key your car
and light your shit on fire

225
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:29,350
'cause you didn't fucking answer a text?

226
00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:31,602
What about them? Huh?

227
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:33,646
How about you believe, like, 88%,

228
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:36,899
and that last 12%
that's out of their fucking minds...

229
00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:39,610
You know, I think that's
a fair percentage, wouldn't you?

230
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:41,821
No? Are you too afraid?

231
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:44,365
To not believe?

232
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:47,409
I know, that's the world
we're fucking living in right now.

233
00:13:48,035 --> 00:13:51,580
No, everything has just become
fucking absolutes.

234
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,083
In... In... In the States,
it's fucking nuts.

235
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:55,835
Like that Colin Kaepernick guy, right?

236
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:59,255
You knew when he was, like,
protesting during the national anthem,

237
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,465
no one was gonna listen
to what the fuck he had to say.

238
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:02,925
No matter how much he explained it.

239
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:05,135
He goes, "I'm taking a knee
during the national anthem.

240
00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:07,346
This is a protest about police brutality,

241
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:10,182
the way people of color are treated.
We'd like to open a dialogue."

242
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:12,142
He got halfway through,
then people were like,

243
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:15,145
"My brother's fighting in Iraq,
you fucking piece of shit!"

244
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,147
It's just like, "Buddy, buddy...

245
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:20,651
nobody is saying your brother
isn't in Iraq fighting.

246
00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:23,195
You're not listening.
This is about police brutality--"

247
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:26,532
"My brother's a firefighter.
He watched 9/11 on television!"

248
00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:31,954
"No, no, no, buddy, nobody's saying
that your brother's not a firefighter."

249
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:33,330
"I have a bone spur in my heel!

250
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,499
I can still stand up
during the fucking song!"

251
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:39,211
"Buddy, nobody is saying
you can't see a fucking podiatrist.

252
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:40,504
All right?

253
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:41,714
You're not listening."

254
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:44,550
That's what it became.

255
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:47,219
It went from not listening to women
to just "believe women", right?

256
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:48,804
And then people were just like,

257
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,098
"Did you see that story?
Did you read the story?

258
00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:53,392
You can't make something like that up."

259
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:56,437
I literally wanna be like,
"Well, did you see <i>Star Wars?"</i>

260
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,148
I mean, somebody made that up.

261
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,942
They made, like,
fucking 15 of them, you know?

262
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,777
People can make shit up, right?

263
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,907
"You're part of the fucking problem!
Get the fuck out..." You know?

264
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:13,621
"No means no," that's another one.
"No means no."

265
00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,080
It's like, no, it doesn't.

266
00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:16,707
All right?

267
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:22,212
Look, "No!" means no.
"No!" That means no, all right?

268
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:24,465
But, "No, stop it, what are you doing?

269
00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:32,014
Oh, my God, you're being so bad.
Stop it! No!"

270
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,849
Yeah, that's not a fucking no!

271
00:15:34,683 --> 00:15:38,187
That means, "I wanna do it,
but I'm afraid you're gonna judge me,

272
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:41,315
so I'm just gonna make it look like
it was your idea so you don't figure out

273
00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:45,361
that I've already performed this act
with 40 other fucking people." Right?

274
00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:50,616
But then... then you go to court
and you get a bad reading.

275
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:51,659
Some guy's reading it.

276
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:54,119
"Ah, Your Honor, she said, 'No, stop it.

277
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:56,330
What are you doing? You're being so bad.'"

278
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:01,168
Yeah! And you're just sitting there like,
"She didn't fucking say it like that!

279
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:02,962
She didn't say it like that!"

280
00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:08,342
Yeah.

281
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:11,136
So now everybody's just,
like, scared shitless.

282
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:16,141
You know? 'Cause I guess if women
ran the world, there'd be no war.

283
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:19,186
Evidently,
there would be no due process either.

284
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:21,730
So you've just gotta sit there,
going, "Ah? Ah? Huh?"

285
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,821
No, it's fucking nuts.
People are so scared now.

286
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:33,784
You now have the male feminist.
Like, where the fuck did that come from?

287
00:16:34,785 --> 00:16:36,412
Just out of nowhere, last couple years.

288
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:39,623
"I'm a male feminist.
I've always championed women--"

289
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:42,001
No, you haven't. You haven't!

290
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:43,961
This shit came out
and you're fucking scared.

291
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:46,380
You did something.
You grabbed some fucking titties.

292
00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:51,010
What the fuck did you do that you have
to over-correct that fucking hard?

293
00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:54,138
What kind of a man who still has his balls

294
00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:56,682
is walking around saying
that he's a male feminist?

295
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,434
"Oh, I'm a male feminist.

296
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:00,894
I totally see the way
you see the fucking world."

297
00:17:00,978 --> 00:17:02,980
It's... It's impossible...

298
00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:05,941
as a man who was raised right...

299
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,783
...to be a feminist.

300
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,952
You can't do it. You're a man.

301
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:20,039
Look, you can agree with it,
you can empathize,

302
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:21,999
sympathy, you can do all of that shit,

303
00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:25,252
but you can't be it any more than
I can stand there and just be like,

304
00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:28,672
"I'm a Black Panther. Fight the power!"

305
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:32,009
And then I walk out the door,
a blue-eyed white dude,

306
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:34,595
and I get to live that fucking life,
right?

307
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:39,892
I don't know. I don't know, ladies.
I don't buy it. Maybe you do, I don't.

308
00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:42,102
Anytime I hear a guy say,
"I'm a male feminist,"

309
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:46,148
I always just think, "That is
the most pathetic, limp-dick way ever

310
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,941
to try and get some pussy." Right?

311
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:49,318
Like, that's literally...

312
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:55,449
that is literally the fucking game
you had when you were on a first date

313
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:56,450
when you were 16,

314
00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:58,452
you were all nervous
and your whole game plan was,

315
00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:00,746
"Just agree with her.
Maybe she'll touch it."

316
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:08,045
"So, what are your favorite bands?"
"I like whatever you like!

317
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:11,256
Will you touch it now?
Did I do it right? Uh..."

318
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,514
Yeah, it's a weird time right now.
I'm glad that I'm fucking married now.

319
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:21,225
I don't gotta fucking deal
with any of that shit. You know?

320
00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:23,018
For younger guys,
how do you deal with it?

321
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,604
You know what was really fucked up
in all of this, though?

322
00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:27,606
What about women who like it rough?

323
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:29,316
Right?

324
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:34,113
That doesn't happen here
in the jolly old England? Huh?

325
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:37,282
Not at all!
Everybody gets all dead silent.

326
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,326
Big fucking elephant in the fucking room.

327
00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:41,995
-Right? Yeah.
- Ask for consent!

328
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,914
How the fuck do you... What's that?

329
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:46,834
- Ask for consent!
-"Ask for consent"?

330
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:50,087
Doesn't that take the mood... Well, Jesus,
that kind of took it in a weird way.

331
00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:00,347
Dude, whatever the fuck I was saying,
however you heard it,

332
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:02,850
that's not what the fuck I'm saying.
All right?

333
00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:09,439
"You know, I've really listened
to this Me Too movement.

334
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:12,818
I think for the first time in my life,
I'm gonna ask for consent!

335
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:16,697
I'm really gonna do it this time.
I've been feeling..."

336
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:20,617
This is why you can't judge comedians.
Do you understand?

337
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,369
Do you understand
what the fuck I was saying

338
00:19:22,452 --> 00:19:24,580
and how this fucking jackass
just heard it?

339
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,748
You know? The second...

340
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:29,418
Yeah!

341
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:34,214
The second it comes out of my mouth,
it's not what I said anymore.

342
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:35,883
Goes into your fucking ear hole

343
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,801
and gets cut
with your whole fucking childhood.

344
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:40,554
"Oh, this is what he means!
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da..."

345
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,520
Sir, if I could get along with <i>my </i>point,
if you wouldn't mind that.

346
00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:55,068
No, like, fucking women who like it rough,
like, that's gotta be so fucking weird.

347
00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:58,155
I remember when I was
a single man a long time ago.

348
00:19:58,238 --> 00:19:59,823
A lot of hair ago, right?

349
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:01,825
Still wasn't a good look,
but I was single.

350
00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:04,161
I was out there, taking some at bats.

351
00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:07,414
I remember that shit. You'd meet a woman,
and when it started going down that road,

352
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:10,709
like you knew you were gonna hook up,
you'd try to get a jump on it, right?

353
00:20:10,792 --> 00:20:12,836
You'd try to figure out
what they liked in the bedroom

354
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,421
because you wanted to satisfy them.

355
00:20:14,504 --> 00:20:16,673
There's nothing worse
than if you don't satisfy them,

356
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:18,717
and you know they're gonna
tell all their friends,

357
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,803
and then you gotta fucking move,
and now there's social media

358
00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:24,473
and you got a fucking nickname...
It's a nightmare.

359
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,311
So, you just try to, you know... You try
to do a little fucking intelligence.

360
00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:34,191
You'll be there, hanging out, just being
like, "Yeah, so, uh, what are you into?

361
00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:37,027
What do you, uh...
What do you like to do?" Right?

362
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,696
One night, I asked a woman that,
she set her drink down,

363
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:42,783
she looked me right in the eye,
she's like, "I like to get <i>fucked."</i>

364
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:49,831
And I knew what she meant!
"All right, this is gonna be one of these.

365
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,917
Okay, here we go. Just trying to...

366
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,878
We're gonna have to go hard on this one."

367
00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:58,298
Right? We had a great fucking time.

368
00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,550
I don't know how I would...
Today, I would just be like,

369
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:04,805
"All right, I know what you wanna do,
but, like, you're gonna have to do it.

370
00:21:04,888 --> 00:21:05,847
You understand?

371
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:09,810
Like, I'm just gonna stand here,
and then you just back into me

372
00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:11,228
however hard you want.

373
00:21:11,311 --> 00:21:14,147
You control how hard
you're backing into me.

374
00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:16,316
Then I'm gonna lay my hand
on your shoulder.

375
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:21,571
You can put your ponytail in it.
I will slowly close my hand around it.

376
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:26,159
And if at any point you want to
yank your head like that, that's on you.

377
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:30,414
My other hand will be just to the right
of your right ass cheek,

378
00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:33,000
and if you wanna do one of those,
that's fine.

379
00:21:33,583 --> 00:21:35,043
But I am not doing anything.

380
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:38,213
I'm just gonna stand here
like a giant fuck stick,

381
00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:41,008
and you just have at it,
you just have at it."

382
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:47,222
Yeah.

383
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:49,891
You know what's hilarious
about sexual assault?

384
00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:57,816
You know what's hilarious about it?

385
00:21:57,899 --> 00:22:02,070
Is how women are acting like
that is a uniquely female experience.

386
00:22:03,530 --> 00:22:06,825
You know what's funny? I actually,
to the letter of the fucking law,

387
00:22:06,908 --> 00:22:10,537
within the last two and a half years,
got sexually assaulted in this business

388
00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:12,831
by a woman. Yeah!

389
00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:15,334
And this is my story!

390
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:24,509
I feel like I can live my truth
and be brave tonight

391
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:26,470
and share this with you.

392
00:22:28,513 --> 00:22:30,098
It's a 100% true fucking story.

393
00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:33,018
I was doing stand-up,
I was doing a private gig.

394
00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:35,145
All right?
Private gigs are the fucking worst.

395
00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:37,356
You do a public gig,
anybody can show up.

396
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:39,691
It broadens what you can talk about,
right?

397
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:42,110
You do a private gig,
it's like everybody grew up

398
00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,363
on the same fucking street,
so all your jokes gotta go

399
00:22:44,446 --> 00:22:46,740
right down fucking mainstream
or you're bombing.

400
00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:49,993
So all you do is listen to the first comic
to hear what's working and what isn't.

401
00:22:50,077 --> 00:22:52,037
You're just listening
as he's up there struggling,

402
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:54,539
going, "Okay, they like bread.
Talk about bread.

403
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:56,249
Get all the bread you can.

404
00:22:56,333 --> 00:22:59,586
Don't make fun of the troops.
Stay away from the troops!" Right?

405
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:02,714
So that's what we're doing, right?
And the host gets them going,

406
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,091
then he brings up the first act.

407
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:05,425
Okay, she goes on stage.

408
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:07,594
She's not really a comedian,
more of a personality.

409
00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:09,137
She does her bullshit or whatever,

410
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,306
and I'm standing there,
looking at my jokes,

411
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:12,474
figuring out what I'm doing.

412
00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:15,268
She wraps it up. He goes on stage.
She goes to get off.

413
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:17,479
I'm thinking, "Okay, I'm next."
I'm looking at my stuff,

414
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:20,524
and she just walks right by me
and just fucking... poof!

415
00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:24,319
Just flicked me right on the head
of my dick and kept walking!

416
00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:28,532
Like it was nothing.
Just fucking... pow! And just kept...

417
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,159
I couldn't fucking believe it.

418
00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:34,162
I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, was this a friend of yours?

419
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:36,665
Was she flirting with you?
Was this a joke?"

420
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:39,000
None of the above.
You know what it was?

421
00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:41,670
I swear to God, it was like a bully vibe.

422
00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:44,423
Like she was trying to get in my head.

423
00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:48,427
"There you go, you little red dick.
Poof! Follow that!"

424
00:23:48,510 --> 00:23:49,928
And she just kept walking.

425
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,640
Dude, my first thought
as I saw her walking away,

426
00:23:53,723 --> 00:23:57,936
I just wanted to punch her in the back
of the head as hard as humanly possible.

427
00:23:58,019 --> 00:24:01,106
Like, literally make her leave her shoes.
You know?

428
00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:03,859
But the other side of my brain's like,

429
00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:06,319
"No, dude, you can't do that.
You can't do that. It's a woman.

430
00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:08,613
And it's just spitball.
Well, fucking boot her in the ass!

431
00:24:08,697 --> 00:24:11,450
Boot her in the ass! Can't hit her, dude.
Can't hit her. It's a woman.

432
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:14,119
Well, fucking tell somebody!
Tell somebody!"

433
00:24:14,703 --> 00:24:17,122
And all I'm thinking is,
like, "Dude, I'm a guy."

434
00:24:17,205 --> 00:24:20,083
Can't fucking tell anybody.
Nobody gives a shit what happens to a guy.

435
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:23,295
I'm gonna walk up to another man
and be like, "Excuse me, sir,

436
00:24:23,378 --> 00:24:26,798
but she just flicked me in my pee-pee,
and I didn't like that one bit.

437
00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:29,634
No, sir! I didn't like that at all.
No, I didn't!"

438
00:24:31,052 --> 00:24:33,638
All the guys are gonna be like,
"Dude, if she did that to me,

439
00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:35,474
I would've taken my balls out, too.

440
00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:37,767
Fucking flick both of these.

441
00:24:37,851 --> 00:24:41,313
Fucking sports bar,
up top, Super Bowl, hey!"

442
00:24:41,396 --> 00:24:42,397
Right?

443
00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:44,191
That's all I would've got, right?

444
00:24:44,816 --> 00:24:47,027
So now I'm standing there,
I'm waiting to go on stage,

445
00:24:47,110 --> 00:24:48,487
the dude's doing my intro,

446
00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:50,780
I'm trying to think
about jokes about bread,

447
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:54,701
and the tip of my dick is still stinging.
This is the world I'm in.

448
00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:58,330
And right as he's gonna bring me on,
all of a sudden, she came out,

449
00:24:58,413 --> 00:25:00,332
'cause she was going back out
to her fucking car,

450
00:25:00,415 --> 00:25:03,752
and that's when my brain started
firing up again with some ideas.

451
00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:06,379
Started thinking shit that I had
never thought before in my life.

452
00:25:06,463 --> 00:25:10,592
Going like, "Dude, there she is.
There she is. Flick her in the box.

453
00:25:11,718 --> 00:25:14,346
Do it, man. Equal rights.
She did it to you, you do it back to her!"

454
00:25:14,429 --> 00:25:16,014
It started making sense.
"Yeah, fuck that!

455
00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:18,767
Flick my dick, I'm gonna flick your clit!
That's right!

456
00:25:18,850 --> 00:25:20,352
I'll fucking hit the man in the boat.

457
00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:23,605
Drop down, uppercut to the bush.
Fuck this shit!

458
00:25:24,147 --> 00:25:26,274
Think I'm the kind of person
you just can flick my dick

459
00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:28,527
and walk away like it ain't shit?"
Right?

460
00:25:28,610 --> 00:25:30,695
And it was making sense
till right when she got there,

461
00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:33,740
finally, I just started thinking
of all the sporting events I had watched,

462
00:25:33,823 --> 00:25:37,244
and I realized that the referee
only sees the retaliation.

463
00:25:37,327 --> 00:25:39,246
He never sees the first aggression,

464
00:25:39,329 --> 00:25:41,289
and then you have
to go to the... yellow card,

465
00:25:41,373 --> 00:25:43,291
whatever the fuck you people
do over here, right?

466
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:44,918
You go to the penalty box!

467
00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:48,672
So I let her go,
and I went out on stage. I did my shit.

468
00:25:48,755 --> 00:25:52,342
But here was the thing. For the next
three fucking days, I'm driving round LA,

469
00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:54,386
and I'm just losing my fucking mind.
You know?

470
00:25:54,469 --> 00:25:58,390
I'm fucking screaming at the windshield,
saying all this shit that I wanted to say

471
00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:00,850
but didn't say it in the moment. You know?

472
00:26:01,434 --> 00:26:04,604
It wasn't because... This is the thing.
It wasn't because she touched me.

473
00:26:04,688 --> 00:26:07,566
You know what I mean?
I don't give a fuck about that, all right?

474
00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:09,693
You know, when I was a kid,
I had a paper route

475
00:26:09,776 --> 00:26:11,820
and I was an altar boy. You know?

476
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:16,908
Yeah. You're gonna have
to do a little bit better...

477
00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:20,328
than flick my dick over my jeans
and my underwear.

478
00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:24,124
It's like, "Are we gonna do this or what?
Like, what is happening here?"

479
00:26:27,252 --> 00:26:29,337
It's the fact that she thought
she could bully me.

480
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:32,090
So after fucking three days of this shit,
I had a splitting headache,

481
00:26:32,173 --> 00:26:35,010
and I started realizing,
"Wait a minute. She's winning this thing."

482
00:26:35,093 --> 00:26:37,679
You know? "Here I am,
still thinking about this shit.

483
00:26:37,762 --> 00:26:42,017
She's probably gone on to flick
30 to 40 dicks since she's been with me.

484
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:44,311
All right,
she doesn't give a fuck about me."

485
00:26:44,811 --> 00:26:46,563
So, you know what I did?
I drove to my house,

486
00:26:46,646 --> 00:26:48,148
there was nobody home,
I went upstairs,

487
00:26:48,231 --> 00:26:50,233
I closed the door, and I just sat down

488
00:26:50,317 --> 00:26:52,694
and I meditated on it,
and I just forgave her.

489
00:26:55,655 --> 00:26:57,115
-I did.

490
00:26:57,198 --> 00:27:00,285
I just pictured her
as a little five-year-old girl

491
00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:05,665
crying because her alcoholic dad,
you know, wouldn't hug her or something.

492
00:27:06,249 --> 00:27:09,294
And she's just standing there crying,
like, "But, Daddy, I love you!"

493
00:27:09,377 --> 00:27:12,464
He's like, "Get away from me!
I never wanted children!"

494
00:27:12,964 --> 00:27:14,716
And then he walked through a screen door

495
00:27:14,799 --> 00:27:18,219
and he, like, face-planted
into this above-ground pool.

496
00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:22,140
And he had a tool belt on,
and it just sort of pulled him under.

497
00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:25,518
And she ran out, she grabbed his foot,
and she was pulling and pulling,

498
00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:30,106
and his boot came off, and she sat down,
and she just watched him slowly drown.

499
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:35,153
I don't know what happened after that.

500
00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:38,323
I just felt, like,
this weight lift off of my chest.

501
00:27:42,744 --> 00:27:44,996
So, there you go.
All you tough guys over here in England,

502
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,540
don't be afraid to meditate, man.
I'm telling you.

503
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:49,793
You can let a lot of stuff go.

504
00:27:52,629 --> 00:27:53,588
I don't know.

505
00:27:56,257 --> 00:27:57,884
- Whoo!
-Do you know...

506
00:27:57,967 --> 00:27:59,803
I'm all right with silence.

507
00:28:00,845 --> 00:28:04,891
You don't have to feel like you have to
do anything fucking extra. Just relax.

508
00:28:04,974 --> 00:28:06,226
If it's funny, fucking laugh.

509
00:28:06,309 --> 00:28:09,729
If it isn't, just fucking sit there,
and I'll know it's time to move on.

510
00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:15,652
Uh...

511
00:28:16,403 --> 00:28:18,446
So, anyways,
I'm a married man with a kid.

512
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:20,782
Happily married man. Yes, I am.

513
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:24,661
I... Yeah, I love my wife to death.

514
00:28:24,744 --> 00:28:26,705
I love everything about
being fucking married,

515
00:28:26,788 --> 00:28:29,708
but I'll tell you this right now,
we do fight a lot.

516
00:28:29,791 --> 00:28:31,126
We do argue all the time.

517
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:34,003
If I've learned anything
in five years of being married,

518
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:37,507
it is we're always working on me.
You know?

519
00:28:38,925 --> 00:28:43,388
Evidently, my wife is this completed work
under museum glass

520
00:28:43,471 --> 00:28:47,267
that is to be admired and studied,
like, "Hmm, how did she do that?"

521
00:28:48,017 --> 00:28:49,144
And I'm like one of these...

522
00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:51,980
You know those buildings that
just has scaffolding around it for, like,

523
00:28:52,063 --> 00:28:55,024
six straight years, and you're like,
"Are they ever gonna finish that thing?

524
00:28:55,108 --> 00:28:58,862
Is that some sort of insurance job?
Jesus Christ, what a piece of shit!

525
00:28:58,945 --> 00:29:01,489
They should just tear it down
and start over again."

526
00:29:02,407 --> 00:29:03,241
Yeah.

527
00:29:04,242 --> 00:29:07,328
I have a temper, so that's the thing.
That's what kind of ruins things.

528
00:29:07,412 --> 00:29:10,331
Everything else I do is fine,
but I have a fucking temper

529
00:29:10,415 --> 00:29:11,541
and it just ruins shit,

530
00:29:11,624 --> 00:29:13,334
and then my wife
always says the same thing.

531
00:29:13,418 --> 00:29:15,336
She's always just like,
"I just don't understand.

532
00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:16,880
Where did that come from?

533
00:29:17,964 --> 00:29:19,466
Where is that coming from?

534
00:29:19,549 --> 00:29:23,219
You just go from zero to 100
in two seconds."

535
00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:26,848
It's like, first of all,
I idle at 75 miles an hour, all right?

536
00:29:26,931 --> 00:29:30,602
So don't give me this zero to 100.
I walked into this restaurant 75.

537
00:29:30,685 --> 00:29:33,480
I could hear that guy
talking too loud on his cell phone

538
00:29:33,563 --> 00:29:35,231
from the fucking parking lot!

539
00:29:40,737 --> 00:29:43,156
Yeah. I fucking tried all of this shit...

540
00:29:43,239 --> 00:29:45,492
Whenever she says that to me,
though, I swear to God.

541
00:29:45,575 --> 00:29:48,495
"I just don't understand.
Where is this coming from?"

542
00:29:48,578 --> 00:29:51,915
It actually hurts my feelings
when she says that. You know?

543
00:29:51,998 --> 00:29:54,542
'Cause it makes me feel like
she's not listening to me.

544
00:29:55,502 --> 00:29:59,214
It's like, "Honey, how many
childhood stories do I have to tell you

545
00:29:59,297 --> 00:30:03,510
before you follow the breadcrumbs
to the absolute lunatic that you married?"

546
00:30:05,053 --> 00:30:09,891
Didn't she ever take a psychology class?
I'm not that complex!

547
00:30:10,892 --> 00:30:14,187
Like, I'll tell you guys a quick...
I'll tell you a quick childhood story.

548
00:30:14,270 --> 00:30:15,897
I'll tell you one of the funnier ones.

549
00:30:15,980 --> 00:30:19,192
One time, when I was, like, six,
my older brother was eight,

550
00:30:19,275 --> 00:30:23,488
we were in the back seat of my dad's car,
and we were, like, laughing and excited

551
00:30:23,571 --> 00:30:25,740
'cause it was around Christmas. Right?

552
00:30:25,824 --> 00:30:30,036
And my dad just had this thing.
He just didn't like joy, you know?

553
00:30:31,538 --> 00:30:35,333
So he's sitting there driving, going like,
"Jesus Christ, knock it off back there!

554
00:30:36,084 --> 00:30:39,003
Christ, you're giggling
like a couple of little schoolgirls!

555
00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:43,925
Christ, you don't straighten up,
I'm gonna buy you a doll for Christmas!"

556
00:30:44,008 --> 00:30:45,218
And then he did.

557
00:30:47,220 --> 00:30:49,639
I swear to God.
He made us hold them up.

558
00:30:49,722 --> 00:30:52,517
My mother's taking pictures
in front of the Christmas tree.

559
00:30:53,059 --> 00:30:57,522
I'm just standing there, like, "Wah! Wah!"

560
00:30:57,605 --> 00:31:00,191
Afterwards,
I ran upstairs to my top bunk.

561
00:31:00,275 --> 00:31:01,442
My dad knew he'd fucked up.

562
00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:03,987
To his credit, he came up,
he tried to smooth it over.

563
00:31:04,070 --> 00:31:05,822
He's like,
"All right, come on back down.

564
00:31:05,905 --> 00:31:08,992
It's over.
Come on down and enjoy the holiday."

565
00:31:09,075 --> 00:31:10,743
And I'm like,
"No, I don't want any gifts,

566
00:31:10,827 --> 00:31:12,537
I fucking hate you! Ah!" Right?

567
00:31:13,872 --> 00:31:16,958
He eventually coaxed me down, you know?
He just... He softened up a little bit.

568
00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:19,252
"Look, you don't get your fucking ass
back downstairs,

569
00:31:19,335 --> 00:31:21,754
no one else can open their gifts.
Now move it out!

570
00:31:21,838 --> 00:31:23,006
I said move it out!"

571
00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:26,259
I go back downstairs all shell-shocked.

572
00:31:26,342 --> 00:31:29,888
"Here's another gift for you, Billy."
I'm like, "Is this a fucking dollhouse?

573
00:31:29,971 --> 00:31:31,097
When does it end?"

574
00:31:33,099 --> 00:31:36,477
Yeah. That was Christmas,
and those were people that loved me.

575
00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:42,901
"I just don't understand.
Where is this coming from?

576
00:31:42,984 --> 00:31:44,736
I just don't understand."

577
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,908
So, I gotta do it, though.
I gotta work on the temper.

578
00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:51,284
I'm gonna do it.

579
00:31:51,367 --> 00:31:53,453
You know, I got the kid now,
and I just don't want...

580
00:31:53,536 --> 00:31:55,496
I don't wanna pass it on to her, you know?

581
00:31:55,580 --> 00:31:57,874
I have, like, a demon in my family tree.

582
00:31:57,957 --> 00:32:00,460
Like, this fucking rage, it's just...
You know?

583
00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:03,129
Just keeps following us, and now I got it.

584
00:32:03,838 --> 00:32:06,132
I have it so bad,
like, literally, my daughter,

585
00:32:06,215 --> 00:32:10,970
she's a little over two years old,
she's yet to meet me yet. You know?

586
00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:14,515
Like, the real me.
She's seen glimpses of me.

587
00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:17,602
Like, "Hey, how are you?"

588
00:32:18,311 --> 00:32:21,648
She's seen glimpses of the anger,
but I'm able to smooth it over quickly.

589
00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:24,442
Like, "Whoa,
Daddy almost snapped his phone in half!"

590
00:32:27,070 --> 00:32:29,530
But I see it in her face.
I can see the way she looks at me.

591
00:32:29,614 --> 00:32:32,617
She's starting to put it together, like,
"This dude's a little fucked up, man.

592
00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:33,910
He's a little fucked up."

593
00:32:34,410 --> 00:32:37,914
I cannot tell you how heartbreaking
that is to see from a toddler...

594
00:32:38,665 --> 00:32:42,543
much less your own daughter.
I'm like, "I gotta end this thing, man."

595
00:32:43,544 --> 00:32:45,129
This rage, it has to end with me.

596
00:32:45,213 --> 00:32:47,090
I can't have an angry kid
just walking around,

597
00:32:47,173 --> 00:32:51,219
fucking kicking toys, "Fucking bullshit!"
and just being, like, a lunatic.

598
00:32:51,302 --> 00:32:54,055
I want to be like that priest
in <i>The Exorcist </i>when the devil got in him,

599
00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:57,642
and he just fucking leaps
out the window and dies. You know?

600
00:32:58,059 --> 00:33:00,770
So I have been fucking trying everything.
You know?

601
00:33:00,853 --> 00:33:04,065
I tried, you know...
I don't know, I tried...

602
00:33:05,441 --> 00:33:09,612
meditating, wearing sweaters.
I did that for a while.

603
00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:13,741
Like, if I dressed like a regular guy,
I'd be one.

604
00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:17,578
I drew a smiley face on a Post-it
and stuck it on my dashboard,

605
00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:19,914
like that was gonna help
with my road rage.

606
00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:22,083
You know, driving down the street like,
"You mother...

607
00:33:22,166 --> 00:33:27,880
Oh, yeah, I guess I've done that too!
Thank you, smiley face."

608
00:33:31,259 --> 00:33:33,845
I remember one night
I actually considered taking a bath.

609
00:33:33,928 --> 00:33:36,597
'Cause I was gonna call my wife,
I was on the road, and I was like,

610
00:33:36,681 --> 00:33:39,809
"I don't want to have a fight with her.
I need to relax. What the fuck can I do?"

611
00:33:39,892 --> 00:33:41,894
And I thought about it.
Women take baths, right?

612
00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:44,105
They do. It's a very feminine thing.

613
00:33:44,188 --> 00:33:46,691
They have a bad week.
"I just wanna decompress,"

614
00:33:46,774 --> 00:33:49,944
and they just have a soak,
and then they're just fine.

615
00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:52,405
Next thing you know,
they're drinking wine, calling friends.

616
00:33:52,488 --> 00:33:54,449
"I'm so glad you're in my life...

617
00:33:55,366 --> 00:33:58,494
and I feel I can get back
out there again." Right?

618
00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:01,998
So I'm literally alone,
I start drawing a bath,

619
00:34:02,081 --> 00:34:04,042
and the water came all the way up.

620
00:34:04,125 --> 00:34:07,045
And at the end of the day,
I couldn't fucking do it!

621
00:34:09,213 --> 00:34:12,383
There's just no way as a man
to take a bath

622
00:34:12,467 --> 00:34:15,386
and not think about killing yourself.
You know?

623
00:34:16,304 --> 00:34:19,974
There's just something about
slipping into that coffin-shaped thing.

624
00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:24,062
It's like, "Am I gonna slit my wrists?
Am I testifying against the Mob?

625
00:34:24,145 --> 00:34:25,813
What the fuck am I doing here?"

626
00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:28,775
I'm a man!
I don't take a bath, you take a shower.

627
00:34:28,858 --> 00:34:31,152
Hose it off, block out your feelings,

628
00:34:31,235 --> 00:34:33,613
keep walking till you drop
of a heart attack.

629
00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:37,950
Literally, as you're going down,
"Are you okay?" "I'm fine! I'm fine!"

630
00:34:40,203 --> 00:34:42,705
Can't take a bath.
Sitting there playing with a rubber ducky,

631
00:34:42,789 --> 00:34:44,999
sticking my toe in the faucet. Right?

632
00:34:45,500 --> 00:34:46,417
Not allowed.

633
00:34:47,335 --> 00:34:50,171
Not allowed to be that happy, so...
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

634
00:34:50,254 --> 00:34:53,424
I think I'm gonna go back to therapy.
Do that fucking bullshit again.

635
00:34:54,008 --> 00:34:57,470
Fast-forward through all these stories
I've told a million times.

636
00:34:58,304 --> 00:35:01,891
I gotta do it, though. And I'm gonna do it
for my kid and do it for my wife,

637
00:35:01,974 --> 00:35:04,310
and, selfishly, do it for me...

638
00:35:04,393 --> 00:35:05,728
because...

639
00:35:05,812 --> 00:35:07,355
- Whoo!
-I'm gonna tell you why.

640
00:35:07,438 --> 00:35:09,732
You're not gonna like the results, miss.

641
00:35:14,946 --> 00:35:17,406
This is why I'm gonna do it.
If I actually don't have a temper,

642
00:35:17,490 --> 00:35:20,326
like, I just think to myself,
"What could my wife complain..."

643
00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:24,497
Like, "What could my wife
bitch at me about?" Right?

644
00:35:25,623 --> 00:35:27,250
I fucking crush everything.

645
00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:30,962
I do. I take out the trash, okay?

646
00:35:31,045 --> 00:35:34,924
The gate was squeaky the other day.
I fucking made sure that was done,

647
00:35:35,007 --> 00:35:36,092
you know?

648
00:35:36,175 --> 00:35:39,303
I pick up after myself.
I like to think I'm a good dad.

649
00:35:39,387 --> 00:35:41,806
I work my ass off.
I make a great fucking living.

650
00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:43,724
Crush all of that.

651
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:47,478
All she has on me is who I am as a person.

652
00:35:49,522 --> 00:35:50,606
That's it!

653
00:35:53,484 --> 00:35:57,530
Yeah, if I could just not be
who I was when she met me...

654
00:35:58,531 --> 00:36:00,241
I think I'd have a shot, you know?

655
00:36:01,075 --> 00:36:04,704
So, we figured out the number one thing
we fight about is television, you know?

656
00:36:04,787 --> 00:36:07,373
I watch sports.
She watches those <i>Real Housewives.</i>

657
00:36:07,456 --> 00:36:09,500
You know, it just doesn't work out.
You know, I...

658
00:36:09,584 --> 00:36:11,335
You guys have
<i>The Real Housewives </i>out here?

659
00:36:11,878 --> 00:36:13,129
You do? Yeah. Yeah. It's just...

660
00:36:13,212 --> 00:36:16,424
I imagine it's just the most depressing
fucking thing ever, isn't it?

661
00:36:16,507 --> 00:36:18,718
Those women,
they just look so fucking exhausted,

662
00:36:18,801 --> 00:36:19,802
you know what I mean?

663
00:36:19,886 --> 00:36:22,346
Just with the war paint
and the circle tits,

664
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:25,266
just trying to fucking tuck it in
and fucking...

665
00:36:25,349 --> 00:36:27,310
Like an athlete
at the end of their career,

666
00:36:27,393 --> 00:36:29,979
just trying to limp on to the field
one more time.

667
00:36:30,062 --> 00:36:33,274
They're not as fast as they used to be.
It reminds you of your own mortality.

668
00:36:33,357 --> 00:36:35,693
It's just like,
"Ladies, just fucking sit down.

669
00:36:35,776 --> 00:36:38,237
Put on something flowing.
I'll put on a sport coat.

670
00:36:38,321 --> 00:36:41,657
We'll be in bed by 8:30," right?
"We're fucking old," you know?

671
00:36:42,283 --> 00:36:46,537
So, we realized that, uh, I don't know,
we always fight about the television,

672
00:36:46,621 --> 00:36:48,915
so I'm like, "What about documentaries?

673
00:36:48,998 --> 00:36:50,791
Why don't we just tape something
we both like?"

674
00:36:50,875 --> 00:36:53,753
We both love documentaries.
They're fun, right?

675
00:36:53,836 --> 00:36:57,381
You watch them. You learn something.
You repeat it at a party.

676
00:36:57,465 --> 00:36:58,716
People think you read!

677
00:37:02,470 --> 00:37:05,973
So I tape... You know, first one I tape
is on Elvis Presley. Right?

678
00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:09,227
Now, I love Elvis. Okay? He fascinates me.

679
00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:12,355
He's, like, the first rock star
with the power of television.

680
00:37:12,438 --> 00:37:16,692
They just intersected,
and he ascended to this level of fame

681
00:37:16,776 --> 00:37:18,527
that no one had ever been to before.

682
00:37:18,611 --> 00:37:22,531
Hence, he made all the mistakes 'cause
there was no one there to help him out.

683
00:37:22,615 --> 00:37:25,826
Right? He got a piece-of-shit manager
that stole from him. Bam!

684
00:37:26,410 --> 00:37:28,788
He stopped making music,
started making shitty movies.

685
00:37:28,871 --> 00:37:31,374
He's not a good actor, right? Does that.

686
00:37:31,457 --> 00:37:33,501
Married a minor, started doing drugs,

687
00:37:33,584 --> 00:37:35,962
got fat, got an entourage,
got even fatter,

688
00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:38,714
started wearing onesies,
doing karate kicks,

689
00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:41,467
splitting his fucking pants.
Nobody's saying shit.

690
00:37:41,550 --> 00:37:42,510
"You look good, King!"

691
00:37:42,593 --> 00:37:45,388
"You like that?
You like when my royal balls hang out?"

692
00:37:45,471 --> 00:37:47,807
"We love it, King. Keep fucking going!"

693
00:37:47,890 --> 00:37:52,770
Starts doing pills, gets addicted,
he fucking dies alone on a toilet.

694
00:37:53,479 --> 00:37:56,774
All right? This man kicked open
all of those fucking doors

695
00:37:56,857 --> 00:37:58,651
for the rest of us. All right?

696
00:37:59,527 --> 00:38:00,569
So I sit down,

697
00:38:00,653 --> 00:38:03,406
and I'm watching this documentary
as a white dude.

698
00:38:03,990 --> 00:38:06,826
Which is what I am.
I'm looking out my white head,

699
00:38:06,909 --> 00:38:10,162
watching this white shit,
it's coming back into my white eyes,

700
00:38:10,246 --> 00:38:13,624
getting whiter by the fucking second.
All right?

701
00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:17,586
Now, my wife, on the other hand,
she's black, right?

702
00:38:17,670 --> 00:38:19,714
Now, I hate saying that,
'cause it makes it seem like

703
00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:22,174
I'm gonna start doing
some stupid comparison jokes.

704
00:38:22,258 --> 00:38:24,552
You know, those dumb
white guy, black guy jokes.

705
00:38:24,635 --> 00:38:26,137
It's always like the white guy is like,

706
00:38:26,220 --> 00:38:29,849
"Oh, Jesus, I gotta do my taxes.
Can this chair hold me?"

707
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:33,436
The black guy is always like, "You need
to loosen up, you gotta relax, man.

708
00:38:33,519 --> 00:38:35,604
You just gotta let it happen." Right?

709
00:38:40,401 --> 00:38:42,236
It's always the same stupid fucking joke.

710
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,447
I hate those jokes, you know,
'cause they're easy,

711
00:38:44,530 --> 00:38:47,992
and it's been my experience
that it's just not true, you know?

712
00:38:48,075 --> 00:38:51,829
Fifteen years of being with her,
there's really no difference, you know?

713
00:38:51,912 --> 00:38:54,498
Because at the end of the day,
it's a woman.

714
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:59,337
All right? It's gonna be the same fights.

715
00:38:59,420 --> 00:39:01,630
I don't give a fuck who you're with.

716
00:39:02,131 --> 00:39:04,675
I'm not gonna lie to you,
there might be more head movement

717
00:39:04,759 --> 00:39:07,762
and hand gestures
with different races of women...

718
00:39:08,846 --> 00:39:11,640
possibly an index finger
jabbing at your forehead,

719
00:39:11,724 --> 00:39:13,142
whatever the fuck that is.

720
00:39:13,601 --> 00:39:15,436
But at the end of the day,
it's the same fights.

721
00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:17,563
"What's going on with us?
Do you need to work on this?

722
00:39:17,646 --> 00:39:19,690
Why don't we communicate better?"
Right?

723
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:22,735
So she starts watching this shit
as a black person, right?

724
00:39:23,444 --> 00:39:26,238
And she's seeing all the racism,
obviously, that I'm seeing,

725
00:39:26,322 --> 00:39:29,992
but she was catching all this subtle shit
that I was too white to see

726
00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:33,746
but I knew I was missing it 'cause I just
kept hearing her huffing and puffing.

727
00:39:33,829 --> 00:39:36,540
Just sitting next to me, being like...

728
00:39:38,584 --> 00:39:41,629
And I'm just sitting there like,
"Okay, somebody did something!

729
00:39:43,172 --> 00:39:46,550
I don't know what just happened,
but I don't think that was good!"

730
00:39:48,761 --> 00:39:51,806
So right when I didn't think
it could get any worse,

731
00:39:51,889 --> 00:39:54,266
it couldn't get any more uncomfortable
between the two of us,

732
00:39:54,350 --> 00:39:58,104
this fucking white dude comes on who,
evidently, discovered Elvis.

733
00:39:58,187 --> 00:40:00,815
And he's, like,
a hundred and fucking 90 years old.

734
00:40:00,898 --> 00:40:02,942
And he comes out, starts talking.
He's just like,

735
00:40:03,025 --> 00:40:06,654
"Well, basically,
I was looking for a white boy

736
00:40:06,737 --> 00:40:10,491
that could take the down-and-dirty,
nasty blues and combine it

737
00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:13,869
with the pristine,
angelic sounds of bluegrass."

738
00:40:14,745 --> 00:40:17,790
Yeah, that's what he was doing.
He was subtly putting black shit down here

739
00:40:17,873 --> 00:40:19,875
while he was propping up the white shit.
You know?

740
00:40:19,959 --> 00:40:23,045
"The down-and-dirty,
daddy-not-sticking-around,

741
00:40:23,129 --> 00:40:25,339
drug-infested neighborhood blues,

742
00:40:25,423 --> 00:40:30,886
with the Jesus-as-white-as-me,
hair-the-color-of-the-sun, angelic,

743
00:40:30,970 --> 00:40:32,930
bluegrass-playing music," right?

744
00:40:33,973 --> 00:40:37,059
So, at this point, my wife has, like,
fucking steam coming out of her ears,

745
00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:38,436
so I make a judgment call.

746
00:40:38,519 --> 00:40:41,147
I just fucking shut it off. Right?

747
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:43,732
And she looks at me. She's like,
"Why did you shut that off?

748
00:40:43,816 --> 00:40:44,817
Why did you shut it off?"

749
00:40:44,900 --> 00:40:47,611
I was like, "Because you're about
three minutes away from yelling at me

750
00:40:47,695 --> 00:40:49,071
like I produced this music.

751
00:40:52,116 --> 00:40:55,661
All right? Let's just forget it.
We'll watch something else."

752
00:40:55,744 --> 00:40:58,581
She's like, "No, why can't we
just watch the rest of this

753
00:40:58,664 --> 00:41:00,249
and then discuss it afterwards?"

754
00:41:01,333 --> 00:41:03,461
It's like,
"I don't want to fucking do that.

755
00:41:04,628 --> 00:41:07,673
I just wanna watch a documentary!
I don't want to have a fucking lecture...

756
00:41:08,215 --> 00:41:10,426
because of these fucking assholes.
I didn't do anything!

757
00:41:10,509 --> 00:41:12,261
I'm just sitting here watching TV!

758
00:41:14,513 --> 00:41:16,765
Not to mention,
we're just gonna get into an argument."

759
00:41:16,849 --> 00:41:18,684
She's like,
"Why would we get into an argument?"

760
00:41:18,767 --> 00:41:21,437
I'm like, "Ugh. All right, you know what?
Because not for nothing,

761
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:24,773
there was some black people in there
saying some shit that I didn't agree with.

762
00:41:24,857 --> 00:41:26,233
I'm not huffing and puffing."

763
00:41:27,401 --> 00:41:29,278
Yeah... I said that.

764
00:41:31,197 --> 00:41:32,823
Like a fucking idiot!

765
00:41:34,241 --> 00:41:36,911
And she just looks at me. She's like,
"Like what black people?

766
00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:39,413
Like what black people that said what?"

767
00:41:41,081 --> 00:41:43,959
And at that point,
it's like you started the luge, right?

768
00:41:44,043 --> 00:41:45,920
You can't get off the fucking sled.

769
00:41:46,962 --> 00:41:49,423
Now you gotta have the argument.
Like, "Oh, fuck, here we go,

770
00:41:49,507 --> 00:41:51,759
guess we're having this."
And I'm like, "All right.

771
00:41:51,842 --> 00:41:54,136
All right,
the black guy brought up leg shaking,

772
00:41:54,220 --> 00:41:56,847
saying, 'Elvis took leg shaking from us.'

773
00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:59,016
It's like, really? Leg shaking?

774
00:41:59,099 --> 00:42:01,602
Nobody thought to fucking do this?

775
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,813
Black people came up with that?
You're telling me that?

776
00:42:04,897 --> 00:42:07,441
I'll even give you that!
Let's say you came up with that,

777
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:09,568
but where did that black dude
learn how to do it?

778
00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:11,403
Didn't he watch
some older black guy do it?

779
00:42:11,487 --> 00:42:13,989
But what? 'Cause he's the same color,
he's not stealing.

780
00:42:14,073 --> 00:42:15,491
He's just carrying on the tradition.

781
00:42:15,574 --> 00:42:18,827
But if Elvis does it, 'Oh, what the fuck?'
Now he's the biggest thief ever?

782
00:42:18,911 --> 00:42:20,412
That doesn't make any sense to me."

783
00:42:20,496 --> 00:42:23,874
She goes, "No, you idiot,
it's not about the leg shaking, okay?

784
00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:26,835
He appropriated a culture.
He took all the music,

785
00:42:26,919 --> 00:42:29,964
he got all the money, got all the fame,
he's called the King of it now,

786
00:42:30,047 --> 00:42:32,466
and he never gave a shit,
not even a shout-out."

787
00:42:33,259 --> 00:42:34,885
And I was like, "All right.

788
00:42:38,514 --> 00:42:39,348
Fair enough.

789
00:42:40,266 --> 00:42:43,477
Made about seven or eight
good points there that I can't refute.

790
00:42:46,188 --> 00:42:48,649
He appropriated a culture.
I get it. You're right."

791
00:42:48,732 --> 00:42:50,109
She goes, "Fine, thank you."

792
00:42:50,734 --> 00:42:52,027
And I go, "However...

793
00:42:54,780 --> 00:42:57,658
Not for nothing, do I get mad at you
when you get on a skateboard

794
00:42:57,741 --> 00:42:59,868
and you start going down
the fucking street?

795
00:43:00,578 --> 00:43:03,497
Do I get all offended, like,
'Hey, man, that's some white shit!

796
00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:05,958
Stop appropriating my culture, man.

797
00:43:06,041 --> 00:43:09,461
Some dirty white kid in Santa Monica
came up with that, man.'"

798
00:43:10,254 --> 00:43:13,382
So she starts laughing,
and I should've stopped there,

799
00:43:13,465 --> 00:43:15,175
but I'm a comedian, right?

800
00:43:16,135 --> 00:43:18,929
I'm like, "Ooh, I'm getting a laugh.
There's gotta be a bigger laugh,

801
00:43:19,013 --> 00:43:20,180
so keep going, Bill.

802
00:43:20,764 --> 00:43:22,766
Let's come with another example."

803
00:43:22,850 --> 00:43:25,644
So I'm like, "Yeah, do I get mad at you
when you fly from LA to New York

804
00:43:25,728 --> 00:43:27,021
in under six hours?"

805
00:43:27,813 --> 00:43:30,357
And she just, yeah...  Yeah.

806
00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:34,486
And she just stares at me.
She's just like, "That was fucked up."

807
00:43:37,323 --> 00:43:39,450
I was like, "Yeah. Yeah, I know.

808
00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:42,494
It sounded good in my fucking head
and then it came out. I just...

809
00:43:42,578 --> 00:43:44,997
I was just going for the laugh."
And then she wouldn't let up.

810
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,166
She's like, "Why is it fucked up?
Why is it fucked up?"

811
00:43:47,249 --> 00:43:50,669
So now I'm back in the classroom,
and I'm like, "Because...

812
00:43:52,212 --> 00:43:53,422
if, historically speaking,

813
00:43:53,505 --> 00:43:57,092
black people enjoyed the same amount
of freedom and privilege,

814
00:43:57,176 --> 00:44:00,095
they would have had the money and the time
to figure out how to fly, too."

815
00:44:00,179 --> 00:44:02,681
And she goes, "That's right."
And I go, "However...

816
00:44:06,018 --> 00:44:07,811
...your music would've suffered."

817
00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:12,399
Yeah!

818
00:44:13,942 --> 00:44:16,320
"You can't have my level
of freedom and privilege

819
00:44:16,403 --> 00:44:20,032
walking around with that cul-de-sac,
'It really is gonna be okay!'

820
00:44:20,115 --> 00:44:23,410
and come up with that painful,
beautiful music. You can't do that.

821
00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:26,038
Next thing you know,
you're clapping on the fucking downbeat,

822
00:44:26,121 --> 00:44:29,416
you're playing a washboard, right?
James Brown is line dancing.

823
00:44:29,500 --> 00:44:32,753
All goes out the window,
so you gotta make a choice!

824
00:44:34,713 --> 00:44:37,549
Either you learn how to fly
and your music sucks..."

825
00:44:41,011 --> 00:44:43,639
Oh, I just noticed this thing came off.
We can't have this.

826
00:44:43,722 --> 00:44:47,059
There's gotta be continuity
between the fucking shows here.

827
00:44:47,142 --> 00:44:48,268
Oh, Jesus Christ!

828
00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:50,562
This thing never comes off.

829
00:44:50,646 --> 00:44:52,815
It's right when you tape
a fucking special,

830
00:44:52,898 --> 00:44:54,525
then everything just falls apart.

831
00:44:54,608 --> 00:44:58,153
Royal Albert Hall, huh?
Where did you buy this mic stand, huh?

832
00:44:58,237 --> 00:45:00,197
Where the fuck did you get this?

833
00:45:03,242 --> 00:45:06,245
You know the mic stand guy's
all fucking pissed off.

834
00:45:06,328 --> 00:45:09,289
"Right, that's a jolly good
fucking mic stand. Fucking Yank!

835
00:45:10,833 --> 00:45:13,752
Fucking Yank...
Everything fucking falls off on him.

836
00:45:16,296 --> 00:45:19,550
How dare you! The Queen comes down here
and sits in a box

837
00:45:19,633 --> 00:45:21,176
and watches the show!"

838
00:45:25,264 --> 00:45:26,765
You know what I heard about you guys?

839
00:45:30,477 --> 00:45:32,521
Actually, by the way,
I've been over here for a week,

840
00:45:32,604 --> 00:45:34,356
and as an American,
I gotta say something.

841
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:36,191
You guys are pretty fat, too.

842
00:45:41,572 --> 00:45:42,406
Yeah.

843
00:45:44,324 --> 00:45:47,453
Specifically the men.
I don't know what's going on with the men,

844
00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:49,246
but I don't give a fuck how fat you get,

845
00:45:49,329 --> 00:45:52,291
you're gonna pour yourself
into your skinny jeans.

846
00:45:52,374 --> 00:45:55,419
They still got them. It's like you're
squeezing all the fat to the top

847
00:45:55,502 --> 00:45:56,879
like toothpaste.

848
00:45:56,962 --> 00:46:00,549
"Right, still wearing me same jeans
from primary school!"

849
00:46:05,763 --> 00:46:06,597
Um...

850
00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:10,642
I don't know, but anyways...
You know what I'm afraid of?

851
00:46:10,726 --> 00:46:11,810
Robots.

852
00:46:13,020 --> 00:46:16,356
Yeah. I saw one get interviewed
on <i>60 Minutes.</i>

853
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:20,277
The top journalistic program
in the United States.

854
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:22,988
And he's just sitting there
getting interviewed, not nervous at all,

855
00:46:23,071 --> 00:46:26,116
just rattling off
all the fucking answers. You know?

856
00:46:26,658 --> 00:46:29,286
Not smoking, not fucking,
you know, leaking oil,

857
00:46:29,369 --> 00:46:32,080
whatever you would do
as a nervous robot, right?

858
00:46:32,790 --> 00:46:35,417
And the reporter's asking him questions,
and in the end, he goes,

859
00:46:35,501 --> 00:46:38,837
"So, tell us..." He's like, uh...
He's like, "What are your goals?"

860
00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:43,634
And I am alone in a hotel room,
and I literally lean towards the TV.

861
00:46:43,717 --> 00:46:46,094
I'm like,
"Do these fucking things have goals?"

862
00:46:50,849 --> 00:46:53,894
And the fucking robot just answers.
He just goes... uh...

863
00:46:53,977 --> 00:46:55,979
He goes, "What are your goals?"
And the robot goes,

864
00:46:56,063 --> 00:46:58,148
"To become smarter than human beings."

865
00:46:59,107 --> 00:47:01,568
Yeah! And the reporter just blows by it.

866
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:04,112
He's like,
"Okay, and what's your favorite color?"

867
00:47:05,489 --> 00:47:07,950
Meanwhile, I'm standing on my bed,
yelling at the TV, like,

868
00:47:08,033 --> 00:47:11,912
"Dude, unplug that fucking thing!
Take the batteries out!

869
00:47:11,995 --> 00:47:14,915
Pull the wire...
Pull the wires out! Do something!

870
00:47:14,998 --> 00:47:19,878
How many sci-fi movies do you have to see
before you realize where this is going?"

871
00:47:22,172 --> 00:47:25,467
So, anyways, every smart person,
every super-smart person in the world

872
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:27,469
is saying these fucking things
are gonna kill us.

873
00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:29,972
Even your boy here, he recently died.
What was his name?

874
00:47:30,055 --> 00:47:31,849
-He was always sitting down.
- Hawking!

875
00:47:34,017 --> 00:47:36,353
Hawking, Stephen Hawking, yeah!

876
00:47:36,436 --> 00:47:39,523
Too good to fucking stand up
and make his point,

877
00:47:39,606 --> 00:47:42,067
just sitting down, all fucking smarmy.

878
00:47:45,028 --> 00:47:48,907
"Oh, I care so much,
I poured ice on myself!

879
00:47:49,825 --> 00:47:50,784
Um...

880
00:47:51,493 --> 00:47:55,080
And I showed off my abs
at the same time for the Gram!"

881
00:47:57,499 --> 00:48:00,627
No, I'm just fucking with you. I am
so glad that guy's fucking dead, though.

882
00:48:00,711 --> 00:48:01,545
You know?

883
00:48:03,046 --> 00:48:06,091
Look at you guys. How much longer
did you want him to suffer?

884
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:09,261
You don't believe in an afterlife?
Maybe he's up there now,

885
00:48:09,344 --> 00:48:12,514
his fucking legs work,
he's getting an angelic blow job.

886
00:48:12,598 --> 00:48:15,100
How much longer did you want him
to fucking sit there

887
00:48:15,183 --> 00:48:16,768
so you could feel better about yourself?

888
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:20,939
"Well, at least I'm not all fucking
twisted up, saying smart shit," right?

889
00:48:23,191 --> 00:48:24,902
I couldn't fucking stand that guy.

890
00:48:28,030 --> 00:48:31,533
He was so fucking negative!
He never had anything positive to say.

891
00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:33,368
"Hey, Steve,
what have you got for us today?"

892
00:48:33,452 --> 00:48:38,624
"In 2035, there will be no more apples."
"Thank you, Steve! Thanks a lot.

893
00:48:39,291 --> 00:48:44,087
Wasn't thinking about that, now I am.
Hey, so what's the solution?"

894
00:48:44,171 --> 00:48:46,882
"It's too late.
We needed to try 40 years ago."

895
00:48:46,965 --> 00:48:50,469
"Thanks a lot, buddy.
I'm gonna go cry with my child now."

896
00:48:51,345 --> 00:48:53,722
Dude, I could hang out with that guy
for about three minutes

897
00:48:53,805 --> 00:48:57,392
before I took the brake off his chair
and just zoomed him into the other room.

898
00:48:59,061 --> 00:49:02,606
"Hey, Steve, come back here when you got
something dumb and positive to say."

899
00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:07,694
Yeah. Well, listen, I agreed with
all of these super-smart people

900
00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:11,114
thinking that these fucking robots
were gonna kill us. Right?

901
00:49:11,198 --> 00:49:14,785
I agreed with all of that shit until,
a couple of years ago, I was in New York,

902
00:49:14,868 --> 00:49:16,787
and I was looking through a newspaper,
right?

903
00:49:16,870 --> 00:49:18,830
And I have a whole new fucking theory.

904
00:49:18,914 --> 00:49:22,459
But in order for me to tell you my theory,
I have to quickly take you back

905
00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:26,129
to the deep, dark, sordid history
of the blow-up doll.

906
00:49:27,047 --> 00:49:30,092
All right? I know there's
a lot of millennials here, young people.

907
00:49:30,175 --> 00:49:33,261
You probably don't even know
what one of these is, all right?

908
00:49:33,345 --> 00:49:35,305
With your fucking...
I don't know what you guys do,

909
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:38,809
your virtual reality glasses,
you know, fucking free porn flying by.

910
00:49:38,892 --> 00:49:42,729
You're grabbing titties, whatever.
Whatever it is you do.

911
00:49:42,813 --> 00:49:43,897
Right?

912
00:49:46,441 --> 00:49:48,235
Back in the day, this was the deal.

913
00:49:48,318 --> 00:49:51,113
If you were a person
and you wanted to have sex

914
00:49:51,196 --> 00:49:56,284
with somebody else, but, like,
nobody else wanted to have sex with you...

915
00:49:57,160 --> 00:50:00,706
and, you know, you weren't strong enough
to hold anybody down, I mean...

916
00:50:04,918 --> 00:50:07,129
You had to go... You had to...
That's how it was!

917
00:50:07,212 --> 00:50:09,923
You had to go out,
and you had to get a blow-up doll.

918
00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:13,885
And you had to fucking go out and get it.
You had to fucking go out and get it.

919
00:50:13,969 --> 00:50:17,055
All right? You couldn't just order it
off of an Amazon

920
00:50:17,139 --> 00:50:18,974
and some delivery guy shows up.

921
00:50:19,057 --> 00:50:22,060
He doesn't know what's in the box.
You're standing there like Tom Hanks,

922
00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:24,980
"Hey, how you doing? Great to see you!"

923
00:50:25,063 --> 00:50:27,983
"I'm gonna fuck that,
and you have no idea what it is!"

924
00:50:29,234 --> 00:50:35,073
No. Dude, you had to go down,
and you had to fucking get this thing.

925
00:50:35,699 --> 00:50:37,784
You had to find a porno store.
You had to work it out

926
00:50:37,868 --> 00:50:39,745
that it was far enough away
from your house

927
00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:41,955
that no one's gonna recognize your car.

928
00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:43,999
You drive down at,
like, 11 in the morning.

929
00:50:44,082 --> 00:50:46,043
Who the fuck
is gonna be there then, right?

930
00:50:46,126 --> 00:50:49,629
You park in the back on, like,
a Tuesday, just sitting there in the car,

931
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:51,757
psyching yourself up.

932
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:53,759
"Okay, I'm not hurting anybody.

933
00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:56,219
It's just an urge.
Just get in there, okay?

934
00:50:56,303 --> 00:50:58,472
Hand him the money,
just get in there and get it done!"

935
00:50:58,555 --> 00:51:01,266
You yank your hat down.
You fucking walk in with all your courage.

936
00:51:02,225 --> 00:51:04,770
Then you get in there, there'd be
too many other perverts in there,

937
00:51:04,853 --> 00:51:05,937
and you get all psyched out.

938
00:51:06,021 --> 00:51:06,855
So what you do is

939
00:51:06,938 --> 00:51:09,733
you just grab a bunch of videotapes,
and you walked up to the counter.

940
00:51:09,816 --> 00:51:13,070
And you had to make it look like
it was an impulse buy, right?

941
00:51:13,153 --> 00:51:16,364
And you're walking up,
and everything, all the creepy shit,

942
00:51:16,448 --> 00:51:18,075
was behind the counter, right?

943
00:51:18,950 --> 00:51:23,371
Just fucking heads and feet,
just an ass, body parts.

944
00:51:23,455 --> 00:51:27,542
Serial killer buffet.
"What fucking world am I entering?

945
00:51:27,626 --> 00:51:30,504
Oh, my God, somebody's fucking a neck?
Jesus Christ!" Right?

946
00:51:30,587 --> 00:51:31,922
And you set it down.

947
00:51:34,424 --> 00:51:37,135
Just make it look real subtle.
"Okay, buddy, is that gonna be all?"

948
00:51:37,219 --> 00:51:41,348
"Uh, yeah, no,
maybe that thing down the end

949
00:51:41,431 --> 00:51:43,308
with the surprised look on its face.

950
00:51:44,434 --> 00:51:47,312
Maybe I'd like to take a shot at that.
I don't know."

951
00:51:48,105 --> 00:51:50,565
The guy wraps it up, you finally get it.
You give him the money.

952
00:51:50,649 --> 00:51:53,151
You fucking run out to the car.
You have this whole weird emotion.

953
00:51:53,235 --> 00:51:54,945
You're, like, excited
and you hate yourself.

954
00:51:55,028 --> 00:51:57,531
"Thank God, I finally did it!
What the fuck is wrong with me?"

955
00:51:57,614 --> 00:51:58,824
And just drive off.

956
00:52:00,033 --> 00:52:02,327
You go back to your little
shitty fucking apartment,

957
00:52:02,410 --> 00:52:05,413
and you had to blow it up quietly
so none of your neighbors heard.

958
00:52:05,497 --> 00:52:06,414
Just like...

959
00:52:09,668 --> 00:52:11,837
Then you got excited,
started going a little faster.

960
00:52:13,588 --> 00:52:16,591
And just watching this thing
slowly coming to life, just like...

961
00:52:25,851 --> 00:52:28,687
Right? And then you'd wrap
those rubber legs around you.

962
00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:33,400
And God forbid you got caught.

963
00:52:33,942 --> 00:52:36,987
Your roommate comes walking in,
"He's fucking a blow-up doll!"

964
00:52:37,946 --> 00:52:40,365
Dude, your life was over!

965
00:52:40,448 --> 00:52:42,951
You had, like, six minutes
to get your mom on the phone.

966
00:52:43,034 --> 00:52:45,120
"Mom, I love you,
and you're never gonna see me again!

967
00:52:45,203 --> 00:52:48,165
Don't believe what people said about me!
I'm so sorry! I'm going to Alaska!

968
00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:49,541
Oh, God, God!" Click.

969
00:52:49,624 --> 00:52:53,545
That was it. You moved to Alaska.
No one ever saw you again.

970
00:52:54,087 --> 00:52:56,298
And that's why, to this day,
if you go to Alaska,

971
00:52:56,381 --> 00:52:58,800
there's, like, eight men
for every two women.

972
00:53:00,051 --> 00:53:04,014
Yeah, 'cause that state is littered
with men who got caught fucking shit

973
00:53:04,097 --> 00:53:05,765
they shouldn't have been fucking.

974
00:53:07,434 --> 00:53:12,814
So, now, fast-forward to about 2016,
I'm in New York City, right?

975
00:53:12,898 --> 00:53:15,901
And I'm looking through the newspaper,
whatever, and I come across an article,

976
00:53:15,984 --> 00:53:19,696
and it's on this robot that, for $10,000,
you buy this thing,

977
00:53:19,779 --> 00:53:21,865
you can have sex with it. Right?

978
00:53:22,407 --> 00:53:25,368
Now, notice, five minutes ago,
I brought up a blow-up doll.

979
00:53:26,244 --> 00:53:28,163
Didn't even have a joke,
just said "blow-up doll"

980
00:53:28,246 --> 00:53:29,581
and you all laughed. Ha ha ha ha.

981
00:53:29,664 --> 00:53:31,958
A blow-up doll.
"Who would do such a stupid thing?"

982
00:53:32,042 --> 00:53:33,376
Right? "That's weird."

983
00:53:33,460 --> 00:53:37,631
Five minutes later, I say,
"A robot that you can have sex with,"

984
00:53:37,714 --> 00:53:39,132
dead silence in here.

985
00:53:41,092 --> 00:53:43,845
As if, collectively,
you were all just like, "Well...

986
00:53:45,805 --> 00:53:47,140
What does it look like?"

987
00:53:49,142 --> 00:53:50,393
I'm not gonna lie to you.

988
00:53:50,477 --> 00:53:54,898
It still looks like a dead body,
but it looks way fucking better...

989
00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:58,068
than that blow-up doll from 30 years ago.

990
00:53:58,151 --> 00:53:59,444
And that's what scares me.

991
00:53:59,527 --> 00:54:02,030
Because everything gets better. Right?

992
00:54:02,113 --> 00:54:05,408
You look at when cars first came out,
the stupid horn... Ah-oo-ga.

993
00:54:05,492 --> 00:54:08,036
You had to crank-start it,
you'd run over your best friend.

994
00:54:08,870 --> 00:54:11,122
Now you can start one up
with a remote control from, like,

995
00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:12,249
50 yards away.

996
00:54:12,832 --> 00:54:15,502
Right?
Remember when airbags first came out?

997
00:54:15,585 --> 00:54:17,045
They just had one for the driver.

998
00:54:17,128 --> 00:54:18,380
Ah!

999
00:54:19,547 --> 00:54:21,007
"My family!

1000
00:54:24,844 --> 00:54:26,429
Oh, my God!

1001
00:54:27,514 --> 00:54:29,057
Oh, my God!

1002
00:54:29,933 --> 00:54:32,394
Why would you just save me?"

1003
00:54:35,105 --> 00:54:38,441
And then, eventually,
they got airbags for everybody.

1004
00:54:40,527 --> 00:54:43,238
Well, these robot sex dolls
are gonna be no different.

1005
00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:46,574
Okay? They're just gonna keep getting
better and better and better,

1006
00:54:46,658 --> 00:54:48,493
and these fucking nerds are not gonna be

1007
00:54:48,576 --> 00:54:51,121
making any regular-looking robot dolls,
right?

1008
00:54:51,204 --> 00:54:52,455
You know, some girl next door,

1009
00:54:52,539 --> 00:54:55,542
you know, just some plain Jane,
the chick your mom likes, being like,

1010
00:54:55,625 --> 00:54:58,086
"Well, there's a nice girl
you could settle down with.

1011
00:54:58,169 --> 00:55:00,380
She knows how to cook." Fuck that.

1012
00:55:00,463 --> 00:55:02,841
They're gonna make
Victoria's Secret supermodels,

1013
00:55:02,924 --> 00:55:05,510
just absolute, like,
Paris runway-looking supermodels,

1014
00:55:05,593 --> 00:55:07,512
and you're gonna come home
to one of these things

1015
00:55:07,595 --> 00:55:09,180
and it's gonna laugh at all your jokes.

1016
00:55:14,060 --> 00:55:16,604
It's gonna sit down
and watch the game with you, like,

1017
00:55:16,688 --> 00:55:18,773
"It doesn't get any better than this.

1018
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:21,401
Yes, it does!"

1019
00:55:21,484 --> 00:55:22,569
Ah!

1020
00:55:22,652 --> 00:55:24,070
Ah!

1021
00:55:24,988 --> 00:55:26,072
Ah!

1022
00:55:26,948 --> 00:55:28,742
And it's gonna get up
and make you a fucking,

1023
00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:32,620
I don't know, Bundt cake or a meat pie,
whatever the fuck you people eat, right?

1024
00:55:34,164 --> 00:55:36,374
There's not gonna be a human woman in here

1025
00:55:36,458 --> 00:55:38,168
that's gonna be able
to compete with that...

1026
00:55:38,835 --> 00:55:41,296
for longer than 90 minutes,
even on your birthday!

1027
00:55:41,379 --> 00:55:43,298
By the third trip to the fridge,
she'll be like,

1028
00:55:43,381 --> 00:55:46,634
"Fucking get it yourself!
What am I, your slave? Go fuck yourself!"

1029
00:55:47,594 --> 00:55:50,347
And after you've been with
one of these robots, like, sex dolls,

1030
00:55:50,430 --> 00:55:53,058
you're not gonna be able
to go back to a real woman.

1031
00:55:53,141 --> 00:55:56,436
Right, with all her hopes and dreams...
and her needs.

1032
00:55:57,604 --> 00:56:00,190
You're gonna be coming home.
She's like, "What is going on with you?

1033
00:56:00,273 --> 00:56:02,400
We're not connecting.
We need a date night."

1034
00:56:02,484 --> 00:56:05,528
All you'll be thinking is, like,
"How do I shut this fucking thing off?

1035
00:56:06,363 --> 00:56:10,450
What, is it on nagging mode?
Why isn't it blowing me right now?

1036
00:56:10,533 --> 00:56:12,494
I clearly entered the room.

1037
00:56:12,577 --> 00:56:15,955
I entered the room. It's supposed
to drop to its knees and blow me.

1038
00:56:16,039 --> 00:56:17,248
I don't understand."

1039
00:56:17,874 --> 00:56:20,877
Yeah, like, your ego is gonna be at,
like, a dictator level.

1040
00:56:21,211 --> 00:56:27,884
Like, "Me and my man tits have arrived!
Service me! Say that I am your lord!"

1041
00:56:30,428 --> 00:56:33,348
Yeah, that's it. You're not gonna be able
to go back to a real woman,

1042
00:56:33,431 --> 00:56:36,226
and then nobody's gonna be fucking women,
so they're gonna get lonely,

1043
00:56:36,309 --> 00:56:39,104
so they'll have to create a doll
for you guys, right? A giant fucking...

1044
00:56:39,187 --> 00:56:41,606
I don't know what you guys are into.
I don't pretend to know.

1045
00:56:41,689 --> 00:56:44,984
Like, some giant Brad Pitt-looking
fucking robot doll,

1046
00:56:45,068 --> 00:56:48,446
fucking eight-pack abs,
a robot dick down to the floor.

1047
00:56:48,530 --> 00:56:49,447
You know?

1048
00:56:49,531 --> 00:56:52,575
Holds both your hands
when you tell a story. All right?

1049
00:56:55,161 --> 00:56:58,998
Whatever you're into!
Opens a bottle of wine at 12 noon.

1050
00:56:59,082 --> 00:57:01,334
"It's got to be five o'clock somewhere."

1051
00:57:07,132 --> 00:57:11,594
Yeah. I think they're gonna
fuck us into extinction.

1052
00:57:11,678 --> 00:57:14,013
'Cause at that point,
the only people left having sex

1053
00:57:14,097 --> 00:57:17,642
with other human beings
are gonna be hipsters and the homeless.

1054
00:57:17,725 --> 00:57:20,770
Right? Because hipsters,
they love all the old shit, right?

1055
00:57:20,854 --> 00:57:23,773
Cassette tapes, Frisbees,
dressing like a cobbler...

1056
00:57:23,857 --> 00:57:26,109
Whatever the fuck it is they're doing,
right?

1057
00:57:26,943 --> 00:57:30,280
But even a homeless guy, you know, after,
like, I don't know, a couple of years,

1058
00:57:30,363 --> 00:57:34,909
he'll be able to drag some old,
one-legged, fucked-out robot model

1059
00:57:34,993 --> 00:57:38,872
out of the trash,
drag it back to its lair.

1060
00:57:39,873 --> 00:57:41,875
That thing will still be building him up,
you know,

1061
00:57:41,958 --> 00:57:44,961
just laying there, like,
"I don't think you smell that bad."

1062
00:57:48,381 --> 00:57:51,634
"This is my favorite bridge."

1063
00:57:55,638 --> 00:57:56,598
Yeah.

1064
00:57:56,681 --> 00:57:59,434
And we're all gonna fucking die off,
and what's gonna be left

1065
00:57:59,517 --> 00:58:03,813
to fight these robots off is gonna be
an entire generation of hipster spawn.

1066
00:58:04,522 --> 00:58:07,400
Yeah!
And they're gonna go to war ironically.

1067
00:58:08,818 --> 00:58:10,570
Yeah. Dressing... Dressed like...

1068
00:58:10,653 --> 00:58:13,323
I don't know,
fucking growing Civil War beards,

1069
00:58:13,406 --> 00:58:15,783
dressing like <i>Star Wars </i>action figures,

1070
00:58:15,867 --> 00:58:18,036
and they are gonna get
fucking slaughtered!

1071
00:58:19,537 --> 00:58:21,289
And right when
they get down to the last 30,

1072
00:58:21,372 --> 00:58:23,082
there's gonna be
a liberal robot going like,

1073
00:58:23,166 --> 00:58:26,085
"We should save a few for posterity."

1074
00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:29,255
Right? And they're just gonna
stick them in a zoo...

1075
00:58:29,339 --> 00:58:31,466
and be this little hodgepodge
of what was left.

1076
00:58:31,549 --> 00:58:35,053
You know, black, white, Latin, Asian,
gay, straight, trans, whatever.

1077
00:58:35,136 --> 00:58:36,638
Whatever the fuck, right?

1078
00:58:37,680 --> 00:58:39,891
And they're still gonna be
arguing with each other.

1079
00:58:41,684 --> 00:58:43,603
The robots will just be
standing outside, going,

1080
00:58:43,686 --> 00:58:46,397
"I love it when they cross their legs."

1081
00:58:51,486 --> 00:58:55,406
Yeah. And this is the fucking world
that I brought my daughter into.

1082
00:58:55,490 --> 00:58:59,619
Like, I actually...
am legitimately scared about them.

1083
00:59:00,954 --> 00:59:04,415
I don't know. I gotta tell you, though,
becoming a dad was the greatest...

1084
00:59:04,499 --> 00:59:06,626
is the greatest fucking thing
that ever happened to me.

1085
00:59:06,709 --> 00:59:08,753
It really is.
I don't have any jokes about my kid.

1086
00:59:08,836 --> 00:59:10,421
-No, it is.

1087
00:59:10,505 --> 00:59:13,216
And you're applauding my wife.
She did all the work.

1088
00:59:13,758 --> 00:59:14,676
Yeah.

1089
00:59:15,176 --> 00:59:18,805
Yeah, knocking a woman up, that's easy.
You just have fun. You...

1090
00:59:18,888 --> 00:59:20,974
Unprotected sex, bam,
you knock them up,

1091
00:59:21,057 --> 00:59:22,809
and then they have to deal with it.
You know?

1092
00:59:22,892 --> 00:59:26,604
No matter how much they try to drag you
into it, it really is, it's their show.

1093
00:59:27,397 --> 00:59:29,315
You know? I always say my wife...

1094
00:59:29,399 --> 00:59:32,610
When my wife was pregnant, I'd say,
"My wife, you know, she's pregnant."

1095
00:59:32,694 --> 00:59:36,614
Then I have these people like, "Excuse me,
you're supposed to say, <i>'We're </i>pregnant.'

1096
00:59:36,698 --> 00:59:39,284
You're supposed to say, <i>'We're </i>pregnant.'"

1097
00:59:39,367 --> 00:59:43,871
It's like, "Well, I'm not a seahorse,
so I'm not fucking pregnant."

1098
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:45,873
My wife is pregnant.
She's putting on weight,

1099
00:59:45,957 --> 00:59:48,710
her feet are swelling up. You know,
she's miserable. Fucking miserable.

1100
00:59:48,793 --> 00:59:52,046
I'm still doing pull-ups.
I'm crushing it while being pregnant.

1101
00:59:52,130 --> 00:59:55,717
I'm still drinking, smoking, yeah.

1102
00:59:56,968 --> 01:00:00,555
No, the only thing that sucked
was I had to get rid of my dog.

1103
01:00:00,638 --> 01:00:02,432
Yeah. Had to find her a new home.

1104
01:00:02,515 --> 01:00:05,059
Well, I finally had to admit
that she was fucking crazy.

1105
01:00:05,143 --> 01:00:09,522
I got a crazy rescue dog and, uh, yeah,
it was one of these fucking dogs, man.

1106
01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:14,027
It tried to kill both of my parents.
It tried to kill my father-in-law.

1107
01:00:14,110 --> 01:00:15,903
It bit one of my friends.

1108
01:00:15,987 --> 01:00:17,905
I'd have family come over,
friends or whatever,

1109
01:00:17,989 --> 01:00:20,658
we'd have to stick it in the back room,
like, lock the door.

1110
01:00:20,742 --> 01:00:23,494
For the first hour, it'd just be
throwing itself up against the door.

1111
01:00:23,578 --> 01:00:27,373
"I'll fucking kill all you motherfuckers!
I'll kill all you motherfuckers!"

1112
01:00:27,457 --> 01:00:29,292
Looking under the door,
"I can see your feet!

1113
01:00:29,375 --> 01:00:30,960
I know what you smell like!

1114
01:00:31,461 --> 01:00:34,255
I'll follow you home. I'll find you.
I'll fucking kill all of you!"

1115
01:00:35,214 --> 01:00:36,674
And we were just in total denial,

1116
01:00:36,758 --> 01:00:42,096
like, "No, she's just a little, you know,
a little scared... 'cause she was abused."

1117
01:00:42,764 --> 01:00:44,766
And we got, like,
a trainer and all of that shit,

1118
01:00:44,849 --> 01:00:47,226
and he finally said,
"Listen, man, this is one of these dogs

1119
01:00:47,310 --> 01:00:50,229
nature said no to,
but people said yes to."

1120
01:00:51,105 --> 01:00:54,776
So I'm like, "Jesus Christ, you could've
told me that 10,000 fucking dollars ago!"

1121
01:00:54,859 --> 01:00:55,693
You know?

1122
01:00:56,402 --> 01:00:58,071
So now my wife,
she's five months pregnant,

1123
01:00:58,154 --> 01:00:59,989
she's six months, seven,
eight months pregnant.

1124
01:01:00,073 --> 01:01:02,909
It's just the fucking...
this thing just hanging over my head,

1125
01:01:02,992 --> 01:01:05,536
and finally I said to my wife,
"We gotta do something about this."

1126
01:01:05,620 --> 01:01:08,623
I'm not gonna be this guy in the news,
being like, "Well, you know, uh,

1127
01:01:08,706 --> 01:01:11,751
the dog loved me and my wife,
so I figured it'd be all right

1128
01:01:11,834 --> 01:01:13,628
to let it sleep near the bassinet.

1129
01:01:13,711 --> 01:01:16,714
And, well, you can imagine my surprise
the next morning..."

1130
01:01:17,423 --> 01:01:21,928
Yeah. I wasn't gonna be that guy
in the news whose dog ate his baby. Right?

1131
01:01:22,762 --> 01:01:24,013
I gotta get rid of this thing.

1132
01:01:24,097 --> 01:01:27,183
So we called my trainer,
and he goes, "All right, I'll take it."

1133
01:01:27,266 --> 01:01:30,103
Okay, thank God they're not gonna
put the dog down or anything like that,

1134
01:01:30,186 --> 01:01:32,814
so I'm like, "Thank God."
So he goes, "I'll come back in a week."

1135
01:01:32,897 --> 01:01:36,442
And it was very sad
because we both loved this dog, like,

1136
01:01:36,526 --> 01:01:37,944
with all our hearts, right?

1137
01:01:38,027 --> 01:01:40,196
And what amazed me, though,
was over that week,

1138
01:01:40,279 --> 01:01:43,449
the way my wife handled grief versus me.

1139
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:46,619
It was so mature.
She just, like, took it on.

1140
01:01:47,161 --> 01:01:50,832
I just went into denial. I was just like,
"Well, I'm not giving it away tomorrow,

1141
01:01:50,915 --> 01:01:52,250
so I'm not gonna think about it."

1142
01:01:52,333 --> 01:01:54,919
And I just called the dog up on the bed,
started petting her

1143
01:01:55,002 --> 01:01:57,880
and lashing out at people
for no fucking reason. Right?

1144
01:01:57,964 --> 01:02:01,008
My wife just went into the bathroom
that night. She was brushing her teeth.

1145
01:02:01,092 --> 01:02:02,635
I could just hear her quietly crying.

1146
01:02:05,722 --> 01:02:08,766
I swear to God, I was on the bed,
and I literally... I got mad at her.

1147
01:02:09,851 --> 01:02:12,895
I didn't yell at her.
Just... I had it just internal, you know?

1148
01:02:13,646 --> 01:02:16,941
And I was just thinking, like,
"Why is she having the proper emotion

1149
01:02:17,024 --> 01:02:18,359
in this fucking moment?

1150
01:02:19,902 --> 01:02:22,405
Why isn't she just blocking it out
the fucking way I am?" Right?

1151
01:02:22,488 --> 01:02:24,615
"Just don't deal with it
till you fucking give it away,

1152
01:02:24,699 --> 01:02:27,493
and then just start yelling at people.
The way I do." Right?

1153
01:02:27,577 --> 01:02:30,663
That's what we did. I blocked it out,
and every night, she would cry a bit more.

1154
01:02:30,747 --> 01:02:32,457
The whole week...

1155
01:02:32,540 --> 01:02:35,376
Till the night before, she's like...

1156
01:02:35,460 --> 01:02:40,047
Right? And what I didn't realize was
she had cried herself into acceptance.

1157
01:02:40,131 --> 01:02:43,760
And meanwhile, my emotions
were still at the starting line.

1158
01:02:43,843 --> 01:02:47,597
And there's a knock at the door, and she
goes, "Okay, he's here. Go get the dog."

1159
01:02:47,680 --> 01:02:50,349
And I'm like, "Hey, Cleo!"
And she popped her head up,

1160
01:02:50,433 --> 01:02:52,894
and I saw her wagging her fucking tail,
and all of a sudden,

1161
01:02:52,977 --> 01:02:56,898
eight years of conditional love
all started bubbling up, and I was like,

1162
01:02:56,981 --> 01:03:00,193
"Oh, fuck, not now! Not now!"

1163
01:03:00,943 --> 01:03:03,362
So I just pushed it down.

1164
01:03:04,030 --> 01:03:06,365
I just walked at her
like some weird game show host.

1165
01:03:06,449 --> 01:03:09,869
"Hey, how are you?
I'm smiling for no reason, all right?

1166
01:03:09,952 --> 01:03:12,997
Now we're going for a walk.
I'm just gonna say what we're doing

1167
01:03:13,080 --> 01:03:15,082
so I don't think about what I'm feeling."

1168
01:03:15,166 --> 01:03:18,419
And I just walked out,
handed the leash to the new owner,

1169
01:03:18,503 --> 01:03:21,172
pet her on the head,
didn't even look her in the eye,

1170
01:03:21,255 --> 01:03:23,382
'cause I knew I couldn't,
and just turned around

1171
01:03:23,466 --> 01:03:25,593
and walked away from something
that I had loved

1172
01:03:25,676 --> 01:03:28,596
more than I had loved anything in my life
up to that point.

1173
01:03:28,679 --> 01:03:30,681
Don't tell my wife. All right?

1174
01:03:32,099 --> 01:03:33,476
Then I come back into the house.

1175
01:03:33,559 --> 01:03:35,978
She's just looking at me.
She knows I'm out of my fucking mind.

1176
01:03:36,062 --> 01:03:37,939
She's like, "Are you okay?
Everything all right?

1177
01:03:38,022 --> 01:03:40,107
Wanna talk about it?
We could go get something to eat?"

1178
01:03:40,191 --> 01:03:43,277
I'm like, "No, I'm fine. Sometimes,
you have to be up here and think logical,

1179
01:03:43,361 --> 01:03:46,614
and not be in your heart. I'm just gonna
go into the bathroom for a second."

1180
01:03:46,697 --> 01:03:50,535
And I went in, and I closed the door,
and for 0.8 seconds,

1181
01:03:50,618 --> 01:03:55,081
cried like a little boy,
before I put the lid back on the jar.

1182
01:03:56,082 --> 01:03:59,752
Fastened it back
and just added it to the shelf of anger

1183
01:04:00,253 --> 01:04:02,046
that sits in every man's chest.

1184
01:04:03,631 --> 01:04:04,465
Yeah.

1185
01:04:06,509 --> 01:04:11,389
And I couldn't help but wonder
in that moment who that I love in my life

1186
01:04:11,472 --> 01:04:13,850
is gonna pay for that in the future.

1187
01:04:15,184 --> 01:04:19,188
Like, where am I gonna be?
Family reunion, Bed Bath & Beyond...

1188
01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:21,107
"How many fucking towels do we need?

1189
01:04:21,190 --> 01:04:23,568
Jesus Christ,
it's a fucking sickness with you!"

1190
01:04:23,818 --> 01:04:25,611
"Where is this coming from?

1191
01:04:25,695 --> 01:04:29,115
I just don't understand
where this is coming from."

1192
01:04:29,198 --> 01:04:33,536
Listen, you guys are so awesome.
Thank you so much for coming out.

1193
01:04:33,619 --> 01:04:36,080
I had a great time. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

1194
01:04:41,919 --> 01:04:44,130
Seriously, thank you, guys, so much.

1195
01:04:44,213 --> 01:04:47,300
It's been the best two days of my life.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

1196
01:04:47,383 --> 01:04:48,509
Good night!