1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:37,838 Hey-o. 4 00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:42,510 I don't start big. 5 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,979 But we'll get there. 6 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,915 I'll be shouting and screaming by the end 7 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,218 but you're gonna start off quite slowly. 8 00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,787 So my name's Ashley Haden. 9 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:59,059 Welcome to "We All Die Cunts" 10 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,529 You all know it's called that right? 11 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,765 There isn't anyone here shocked? 12 00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:07,535 Cause I have to start off with a trigger warning. 13 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:09,437 All of my shows I have to start off with a trigger warning 14 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:12,573 cause there's a chance that you're not all gonna make it. 15 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:13,574 You know. 16 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,277 Some of yous will walk out. 17 00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,479 And that's fine because the thing is 18 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,249 is there are gonna be people in this room 19 00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:23,217 who saw they had cunt in the title 20 00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:26,254 and gone, that's for me, that it is for me. 21 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,456 That is fucking for me, it's got cunt in, 22 00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:30,724 I love the word, it's beautiful. 23 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,495 And it's not for you. 24 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:35,896 It's not. 25 00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:36,864 It's not. 26 00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:42,436 This is the final show of my cunting trilogy. 27 00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:45,973 So I've spent years writing about 28 00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:47,341 how everyone's a cunt. 29 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:51,779 Like the first show was called "We're All Cunts" 30 00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:53,113 Two years ago. 31 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:56,116 It was a good show, it was scrappy, you know. 32 00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:58,986 I felt good about it, I felt excited about it. 33 00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,721 I'll tell you a joke from there 34 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,423 so we know where we standing. 35 00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:06,560 We all know Israel and Palestine don't we? 36 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:07,695 All heard of that? 37 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:12,166 A few years ago it was quite big in the papers. 38 00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:15,068 Not as much anymore cause we've got other things 39 00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,870 to pretend to give a fuck about. 40 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:20,374 But back then it was really big in the papers. 41 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:23,277 And what annoyed me a lot was everyone on Facebook 42 00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,347 and Twitter sharing all the photos of dead children 43 00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:28,282 cause they're empty inside. 44 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,284 Cause the problem is not all of these photos 45 00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:32,286 were from Gaza. 46 00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:36,424 So some were from Syria, some were from Iraq back in 09. 47 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:38,859 Begging the question, 48 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:42,129 are your dead children not photogenic enough? 49 00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:43,297 What's going on? 50 00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:45,533 You have bombs, death, destruction. 51 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,468 Right, bring in the camera crew. 52 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,036 I assume there's someone a couple of hundred miles away 53 00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,939 who I can only guess is a dead baby version of Tinder 54 00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:56,677 just going muntel, muntel, muntel, muntel, muntel. 55 00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,447 See a scrappy show. 56 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:04,318 Dark but we can all get behind it, you know. 57 00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:08,956 Last year's show, last year's show was called 58 00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:11,124 "We Are Still All Cunts" 59 00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:13,861 cause we hadn't improved, you know. 60 00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,430 If anything we've gotten worse. 61 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,732 And I'll tell you a joke from that show. 62 00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:21,535 Did you know 63 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,905 in 2016 64 00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,574 over in America 65 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:30,978 more toddlers killed people than terrorists? 66 00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,580 Begging the question, 67 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,215 when are we gonna start bombing playschools. 68 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,488 On purpose, 69 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,057 not the accidental one. 70 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:45,426 And I'll tell you what I haven't seen, 71 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:47,160 I haven't seen anyone from the toddler community 72 00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,930 coming out condemning these attacks, have you? 73 00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:52,866 Where the fuck are they? 74 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,236 That's what I wanna see. 75 00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:58,772 I wanna see the community leader of the toddlers 76 00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:01,742 standing in front of a nursery, reading a statement. 77 00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:05,413 But no, and I've been into nurseries, I've asked them. 78 00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:09,950 I've said, Why are you not condemning these attacks? 79 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:13,086 Why the fuck are you not condemning these attacks? 80 00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,456 And do you know what they do? 81 00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:17,558 Just cry and ask for their parents. 82 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,028 Scummy little cunts. 83 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:27,601 So you have another show, dark but we can all get behind it 84 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:28,969 it was fun, fun. 85 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:36,377 This year for this show, I had someone find me on Facebook 86 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:39,079 after seeing my show 87 00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:42,916 and send me a message saying, 88 00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:45,118 "I saw your show, 89 00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:48,656 I found it offensive and crude. 90 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,859 I shall not be recommending it." 91 00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,899 The show's called "We All Die Cunts" 92 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:02,703 what the fuck could they expect here exactly from this show? 93 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:07,040 Me walking on stage saying all of my pluses for butterflies. 94 00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:12,680 Not all of this is funny don't worry. 95 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:19,219 Every year I've had to rewrite my shows, every year. 96 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,821 Because I'm a political comedian. 97 00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:24,792 This show basically just politics, you know. 98 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,761 The previous shows, they were really, they really 99 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,063 had something for everyone as long as you were a cunt. 100 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:33,434 But this year if you don't like politics, ahhh, 101 00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:36,203 there's nothing for you. 102 00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:37,571 Nothing at all. 103 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:41,108 Like, two years ago, my show was meant to be about 104 00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,043 how we voted remain. 105 00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,415 Nope. 106 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:50,751 Last year, I wrote a show about 107 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,954 the Tory majority government. 108 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,523 Nope. 109 00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:57,391 This year I though I've got it in the bag. 110 00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:59,393 I know exactly what I'm doing. 111 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:00,928 Nothing's gonna go wrong here. 112 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,897 I was gonna write a show about the cabinet. 113 00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,968 About Brexit negotiations, how that was going. 114 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:12,606 And then a few weeks ago, on Sunday evening, 115 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:17,144 at half 11 at night, David Davis resigned. 116 00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:19,413 And with it went my fucking show. 117 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,923 He resigned half 11 at night on a Sunday, 118 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,926 suggesting that he had a few to drink, you know. 119 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:36,229 But we've all been there haven't we, you know. 120 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,532 Sunday night, you have few too many, 121 00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:41,201 fuck it I'm not going into work on Monday. 122 00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:45,005 I'm just not doing it mate, I'm just not doing it. 123 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:48,742 But he knew he used up all of his holiday. 124 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:55,048 Couldn't take another fucking sick day. 125 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,784 All five of his nans are died. 126 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,923 So he though fuck it, I'm gonna resign, and he did. 127 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,958 And everyone went, this is important, 128 00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,794 this is fucking important. 129 00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:10,731 Until we found out that David Davis spent four hours 130 00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:13,601 this year speaking to Michel Barnier. 131 00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:16,637 Four hours doing his fucking job. 132 00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:20,140 You can get nothing done in four hours. 133 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:22,743 All you can do in four hours 134 00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,945 is watch "Gone With the Wind." 135 00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:28,849 And that is as long as you do not have an interval. 136 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:34,021 But this is a man who said that I do not need to be 137 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,923 intelligent to do my job. 138 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,192 It's the only time he's never lied. 139 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:43,864 But of course he was replaced, 140 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:46,066 cause this is the thing with Brexit. 141 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,135 I'm starting to worry that these people 142 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:51,905 who really seem to want it, don't actually want it. 143 00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,308 Looking over the moment, looking at Brexit negotiations 144 00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:58,378 is like watching someone confidently do the 145 00:07:58,478 --> 00:07:59,980 cinnamon challenge 146 00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,652 and then drown. 147 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,889 But he was replaced by Dominic Raab. 148 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:12,392 Now Dominic Raab, how would I describe him? 149 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:17,865 He looks like the stock image of a weekend dad, you know. 150 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,603 His eyes scream, does mommy still mention me? 151 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,509 Is Dominic Raab a good person? 152 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:31,645 No. 153 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:35,683 A lot of these questions are rhetorical. 154 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,856 Just to let everyone know towards the stop, you know. 155 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:47,928 I know some of this will come across 156 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,798 like it's a conversation, but it's not, you know. 157 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,137 Dominic Raab is a bell-end. 158 00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:00,040 He spent the last 10 years trying to get rid 159 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:03,310 of the Human Rights Act tent, and has been unable to 160 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:08,782 because and I quote "His ideas were legally illiterate." 161 00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,321 We voted for him, illiterate. 162 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,728 But our government is gonna get rid of our human rights 163 00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:22,295 we know this, we've seen this. 164 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:25,232 It's been in their manifestos, they've said it out loud. 165 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:28,902 This current government is gonna write your human rights. 166 00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:31,905 Well I say the government's going to 167 00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:34,742 they're actually going to pay a building firm 168 00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:38,646 about seven billion pounds over 30 years. 169 00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:40,648 And wonder why workhouses have come back 170 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:43,283 and we've started to burn the disabled for fuel. 171 00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:47,420 Which isn't far away from what the government wants 172 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:48,722 I assume, you know. 173 00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:51,158 Judging by how Brexit's going, our human rights 174 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,226 are gonna have all the same rights as cattle 175 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:56,697 without the fun of someone coming around and wanking us off. 176 00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:07,975 Last year Dominic Raab was interviewed 177 00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:10,711 and he said that the reason that we've got 178 00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:16,016 a rise in food banks is because of a cash flow problem. 179 00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:20,620 Which is interesting way to describe poverty isn't it. 180 00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:24,624 He's not wrong though, it is a cash flow problem 181 00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:25,726 because of the government, 182 00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:27,194 because of things like austerity. 183 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,596 It's because of austerity, austerity is the worse thing 184 00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,198 to happen to this country in years. 185 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,667 And most people don't have a fucking clue what it is. 186 00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:35,568 Don't have a dickey. 187 00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:38,305 So I am going to describe to you now 188 00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:42,375 what austerity is, so we can laugh and learn together. 189 00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:47,715 So we all know the government is fucking us 190 00:10:47,815 --> 00:10:50,984 in the ass repeatedly, we know this, you know. 191 00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,520 And so the government have bent us over 192 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:54,988 and are fucking us in the ass. 193 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,857 Going and going and going. 194 00:10:56,957 --> 00:11:02,162 Now the government is wearing a condom made of welfare. 195 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,767 This is to make sure we don't get any of those 196 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:11,238 government STI's, like poverty and homelessness. 197 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,074 And so the government is fucking us in the ass 198 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,410 over and over and over and over. 199 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:21,314 And over time this condom's getting thinner and thinner. 200 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:24,517 So they're fucking us and fucking us and fucking us. 201 00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:27,254 And then the condom breaks. 202 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:31,258 Now the government is bareback riding us in the ass 203 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:34,895 just proper jack hammering, going and going and going. 204 00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,797 We're biting a pillow at this point, you know. 205 00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:39,867 Going and going and going. 206 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,502 And then our asshole prolapses. 207 00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:47,074 That's austerity. 208 00:11:56,984 --> 00:12:01,721 I know it's not the Guardian definition of austerity 209 00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,857 but this ain't the fucking Guardian. 210 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:09,062 In 2011, 211 00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:14,267 Dominic Raab wrote an article about 212 00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:18,271 having to deal with the problems in feminism. 213 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:23,110 About having to deal with the feminists bigotry. 214 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:26,914 Which I'm quite sure is part of the Tory initiation. 215 00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:30,083 Stick your dick in a pig, say that women are bad. 216 00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:34,521 I'm quite sure that's the way it goes. 217 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,958 But we've seen this over years, over the past couple 218 00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:39,960 of years with Weinstein and all of this, 219 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:41,795 just how bad everything is. 220 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,263 So I've got an idea. 221 00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,734 Do we mind, over the next few months, 222 00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:51,104 if we change the phrase witch hunt 223 00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:54,574 to a rapist chase? 224 00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,545 I think we'd take everything a lot more seriously. 225 00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:02,950 Ahhh, all this Harvey Weinstein stuff is just a witch hunt. 226 00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:06,553 Ah, all this Harvey Weinstein stuff 227 00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:09,756 it's just a rapist chase, oh yeah. 228 00:13:09,857 --> 00:13:11,524 It is, we're chasing rapists. 229 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:12,759 It's a good thing. 230 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:17,197 Get on your trainers, let's go for a run shall we. 231 00:13:19,232 --> 00:13:20,800 Especially these Hollywood rapists. 232 00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,435 Have you seen these fat cunts? 233 00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:25,038 Wouldn't you like to see a fat rapist waddle? 234 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,874 Isn't that everyone's dream? 235 00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:32,112 With the world trying to stop sexual harassment 236 00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:35,082 you see this thing that happens over and over again. 237 00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,784 Tends to be on Facebook, normally written by 238 00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:40,020 old white men who should know better by now, 239 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,022 or at least be dead. 240 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:45,425 And it's always the same, oh you're trying to stop 241 00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:46,894 sexual harassment are you, trying to stop sexual harassment 242 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,362 does that mean I can no longer flirt with women? 243 00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,531 Does that mean I can no longer flirt with women? 244 00:13:51,631 --> 00:13:55,035 Listen, if the world trying to stop sexual harassment 245 00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:57,070 means that you cannot flirt with women, 246 00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:00,473 there's a good chance that you cannot flirt with women. 247 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,882 You're doing it wrong mate, you know. 248 00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:13,320 Talk to them, don't touch them, simple rules. 249 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,993 What you didn't see is this is happening in London. 250 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:23,596 We have landlords now that are offering 251 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,666 places to stay for sexual favors. 252 00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:31,304 Landlords offering places to stay for sexual favors. 253 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:34,307 I don't know about you but I don't wanna play 254 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,576 that version of Monopoly, you know. 255 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:41,248 That would ruin the family Christmas wouldn't it. 256 00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:45,986 Pass go, collect a mint. 257 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:58,031 Day after David Davis resigned, Boris Johnson resigned. 258 00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:02,435 Fans of Boris Johnson here. 259 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:08,275 Boris Johnson, the final weep of cum after a buggering 260 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:12,112 trickling down the face of a boarding school child. 261 00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:21,754 Don't feel sorry for this man, you know. 262 00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:25,125 Only MP to put abortions on expenses. 263 00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,696 I'll be honest, I don't know if that's true. 264 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:35,368 It just sounds true doesn't it, you know. 265 00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:38,071 The other week Boris Johnson was going on about 266 00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:41,408 how people should dress and how they should look. 267 00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:46,279 Go, Boris, you are not the man to be talking about this. 268 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:49,449 Boris Johnson looks like a half used suppository 269 00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:50,950 for fucks sake. 270 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:56,423 He's been going on about belief and hope, 271 00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,558 no ideas, just belief and hope and all of this stuff 272 00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:01,694 and it's nationalism, that's where we are now. 273 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,030 That's where we are in a country. 274 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,165 We're not dealing in patriotism. 275 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:07,934 This is pure nationalism. 276 00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:09,536 And I don't get nationalism, you know. 277 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,172 I don't get the idea of being blindly proud 278 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,907 about where you're randomly shat out of, you know. 279 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,876 I don't get that. 280 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,978 Especially on the back of our history. 281 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,947 What have you seen our history? 282 00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:23,250 We are terrible guests. 283 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:26,719 Terrible. 284 00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:29,589 You wouldn't invite us anywhere. 285 00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:32,859 History says you don't need to invite us, 286 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,294 we will turn up. 287 00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:39,232 And then leave with your Hover saying 288 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:41,368 we're keeping it in a safer place. 289 00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,441 But what I don't get with it all, 290 00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:53,580 is with nationalism, it's never for good, is it? 291 00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:56,416 There's no community spirit in nationalism. 292 00:16:56,516 --> 00:17:01,688 There's no fucking village fake nationalists to put it on 293 00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,190 is there, you know. 294 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:05,525 Cupcakes for callays as long as they fucking stay there. 295 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:06,693 There's none of that. 296 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:09,729 But it's always the same. 297 00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:11,631 You never see someone draped in a St. George's flag 298 00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:15,935 going I fucking love England, fucking love England. 299 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:20,039 How do you tell, oh, yeah, oh, I love it, I love all of it, 300 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:25,178 the dogs, the lions, the other stuff, I love it all. 301 00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:27,980 Oh, so what are you doing this weekend? 302 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:29,582 I'm gonna go clean the park. 303 00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:30,617 It's never that. 304 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,420 Never gonna go clean the park are they? 305 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,288 Never gonna go feed the homeless. 306 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,656 Always gonna go to the football on the weekend 307 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,526 see if they can't kick the fuck out of a minority. 308 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:44,431 Nationalism not patriotism, they're not good people. 309 00:17:44,531 --> 00:17:46,133 And the left aren't any better. 310 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:49,702 Don't get me started on these hashtag wankers. 311 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:50,737 Fucking hell. 312 00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:55,575 What a bunch of whiny shit stains the fucking left are. 313 00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,610 Congratulations if you are a left wing, 314 00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,879 you've achieved nothing and you've looked shit 315 00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:01,248 when you're doing it. 316 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,484 Fucks sake. 317 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:07,820 Go along doing a fucking march every two seconds 318 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,089 in a vain attempt to make yourself feel better 319 00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:11,758 about the fact that you're eating organic 320 00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,226 and people are dying. 321 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,762 Hemp-y cunts. 322 00:18:22,969 --> 00:18:26,406 A few months ago, the left protested 323 00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:30,577 a cafe called Blighty, and they did this 324 00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:34,614 cause Blighty have a breakfast called The Winston. 325 00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:39,686 And they said that this was promoting colonialism. 326 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:41,888 Which is bollocks. 327 00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:45,425 It's not, it's just something to sell. 328 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:48,595 You would buy a breakfast called The Winston. 329 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,998 No one's buying a breakfast called 26 million dead Indians, 330 00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:53,400 are they, you know. 331 00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:01,441 That's just not appetizing, you know. 332 00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:03,443 Would you like a side with that? 333 00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:06,946 Oh yeah, I'll have the concentration camps 334 00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:08,648 and a bottle of war please. 335 00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,617 Mmm, now I'm full. 336 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:20,693 After Boris Johnson, he resigned. 337 00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:22,161 That should have been the best thing to happen 338 00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:25,298 to world peace in about 90 months. 339 00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:28,501 But he was replaced by Jeremy Hunt. 340 00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:33,940 A man with Murdoch's hand so far up his ass 341 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,309 that they were gonna ask Murdoch to replace Keith Harris 342 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:37,477 when he died. 343 00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,648 As a show of hands, and I ask this every show, 344 00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:43,983 how many people know who Keith Harris is? 345 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:48,788 Yep, did it for a month, never dropped the joke, 346 00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:51,324 hardly anyone knows who the fuck Keith Harris is. 347 00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,726 So it died every pissing night. 348 00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:56,229 Not dropping the joke though. 349 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,935 There's part of me that does feel sorry 350 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,704 for Jeremy Hunt though. 351 00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,273 There is part of me that does feel sorry for him. 352 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,840 And I'll tell you for why. 353 00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:13,946 It's because he left the NHS earlier than he wanted to. 354 00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:19,218 He wanted to be there longer because he was unable 355 00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,254 to kill enough people to maintain that erection 356 00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:23,756 he's been working on for so long, you know. 357 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,727 That's the thing, only 10,000 more 358 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,762 and it would have got fully erect. 359 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,733 He was meant to be moved months ago 360 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,636 during Theresa May's 52 card cock-up. 361 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:42,409 But Theresa May said, I'm moving you to business. 362 00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:46,579 And Jeremy Hunt said, No. 363 00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:50,850 And Theresa May said, Okay. 364 00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:54,354 He got a promotion. 365 00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:58,725 Not only did he not get moved, he got social as well. 366 00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:02,061 To now he was Health Secretary also in charge of Social. 367 00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:04,931 Which was the first time the old people 368 00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:08,901 were ever upset they survived the winter, you know. 369 00:21:12,905 --> 00:21:15,107 And you'll notice so far 370 00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:18,911 that I haven't done a lot on Labour. 371 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:24,817 The main reason that is, is because what's the fucking point 372 00:21:25,852 --> 00:21:27,587 They're doing enough damage themselves, 373 00:21:27,687 --> 00:21:30,022 they don't need me satirizing the fact 374 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,691 that they're awful people. 375 00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:35,595 And I don't like Corbyn. I fucking despise Corbyn. 376 00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:38,865 I do not like career politicians, 377 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:41,067 and I think he's a hypocritical cunt. 378 00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:46,873 People I hate more than Corbyn though, fucking supporters. 379 00:21:48,408 --> 00:21:52,111 These are some dodgy dangerous fuck night, culty, 380 00:21:52,211 --> 00:21:55,482 cunty bastards aren't they, good god. 381 00:21:57,384 --> 00:21:58,685 And that's it, they're in a cult. 382 00:21:58,785 --> 00:22:00,520 That's it, it's a three pound cult. 383 00:22:00,620 --> 00:22:03,723 Which sounds like a fucking bargain, doesn't it. 384 00:22:03,823 --> 00:22:05,658 Three pounds to get into a cult, 385 00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:09,128 where you get a full sense of moral superiority. 386 00:22:09,962 --> 00:22:12,399 And get to go to a shit Glastonbury 387 00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:15,368 with assholes who are more of assholes 388 00:22:15,468 --> 00:22:19,138 than the ones who actually go to Glastonbury, Christ. 389 00:22:20,239 --> 00:22:21,340 It's ridiculous. 390 00:22:22,041 --> 00:22:23,976 I don't like how they treat Jeremy Corbyn 391 00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:27,013 like he's the second coming of Jesus, you know. 392 00:22:27,113 --> 00:22:30,950 Although like Jesus, he's about to be fucked by the Jews. 393 00:22:38,791 --> 00:22:41,694 Of course Jeremy Corbyn isn't anti-Semitic, 394 00:22:41,794 --> 00:22:44,096 sure knows a lot of them though don't he, you know. 395 00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:47,066 I'm surprised he isn't an anti-Semitic via osmosis 396 00:22:47,166 --> 00:22:48,401 at this point. 397 00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:52,371 He can't be, if he was anti-Semitic, then would he 398 00:22:52,472 --> 00:22:55,107 hang around with so many people who hate the Jews? 399 00:22:56,443 --> 00:23:00,312 Yes, he would, yes he would. 400 00:23:00,413 --> 00:23:01,914 This is where we are in politics though. 401 00:23:02,014 --> 00:23:03,550 Everyone hates someone. 402 00:23:03,650 --> 00:23:05,552 Cause this is the thing with Labour, 403 00:23:05,652 --> 00:23:08,521 they're not even the best with anti-Semitism, 404 00:23:09,288 --> 00:23:10,857 Tory shat on them. 405 00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:14,594 Cause when Labour had all their months 406 00:23:14,694 --> 00:23:16,729 of being anti-Semitic, Tories came along, 407 00:23:16,829 --> 00:23:18,431 voted for Alban. 408 00:23:19,365 --> 00:23:21,100 That's proper anti-Semitism. 409 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,671 How shit are Labour that they can't even hate well. 410 00:23:24,771 --> 00:23:25,638 That's it. 411 00:23:27,073 --> 00:23:29,308 They can't even do anti-Semitism well. 412 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,143 This is how shit they are. 413 00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:34,013 But everyone hates someone in politics, this is it. 414 00:23:34,113 --> 00:23:38,317 The Tories hate the Muslims. 415 00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,720 Labour hate the Jews. 416 00:23:41,488 --> 00:23:44,791 Lib-Dems hate the Mormons, I assume. 417 00:23:47,894 --> 00:23:50,830 I assume they hate the Mormons cause they don't like 418 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:53,933 anyone who can have more wives than they can have MP's. 419 00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:01,608 But this is where we are, we've got characters. 420 00:24:01,708 --> 00:24:03,976 We don't have politicians, we've got characters. 421 00:24:04,076 --> 00:24:06,713 It's been and I hear a lot of, "Ah you'd go out for 422 00:24:06,813 --> 00:24:08,715 a drink with them though wouldn't ya?" 423 00:24:08,815 --> 00:24:10,116 You'd go out for a drink with them. 424 00:24:10,216 --> 00:24:11,383 If you saw them in the pub, you'd go out for a drink 425 00:24:11,484 --> 00:24:12,552 with them. 426 00:24:13,820 --> 00:24:14,721 No. 427 00:24:15,755 --> 00:24:17,123 I wouldn't go for a drink with one of these 428 00:24:17,223 --> 00:24:18,991 repugnant assholes. 429 00:24:19,091 --> 00:24:23,329 Can you imagine these fucking twats in a pub. 430 00:24:23,429 --> 00:24:25,264 Jacob Rees Mog would be there complaining 431 00:24:25,364 --> 00:24:28,601 that they didn't have his version of Chateauneuf-du-Pape. 432 00:24:30,737 --> 00:24:33,139 David Davis would be there trying to negotiate 433 00:24:33,239 --> 00:24:37,577 over the pint of a Guinness, you know, pay more somehow. 434 00:24:40,246 --> 00:24:43,015 Boris Johnson would be there just spiking drinks. 435 00:24:49,188 --> 00:24:51,090 Theresa May would be trying to convince you 436 00:24:51,190 --> 00:24:54,126 that she purchased the last round, you know. 437 00:24:57,897 --> 00:24:59,666 So you're going, I know you didn't. 438 00:24:59,766 --> 00:25:02,535 This is the first round, you know. 439 00:25:03,703 --> 00:25:05,805 The other side aren't better though. 440 00:25:05,905 --> 00:25:09,141 We all know someone like John McDonnell, he would be there. 441 00:25:09,241 --> 00:25:11,177 He's one of those people who'd be walking around the bar 442 00:25:11,277 --> 00:25:13,312 trying to convince people where Russia and China 443 00:25:13,412 --> 00:25:14,814 went wrong with Communism, 444 00:25:14,914 --> 00:25:18,184 whilst no doubt wearing a scarf and a fucking beret. 445 00:25:19,385 --> 00:25:22,589 Diane Abbott would be there counting the change. 446 00:25:23,756 --> 00:25:25,191 Take her about a week. 447 00:25:26,593 --> 00:25:29,629 Jeremy Corbyn would just order a pot of hot water 448 00:25:29,729 --> 00:25:32,031 cause he brought his own fucking teabags. 449 00:25:33,265 --> 00:25:36,869 But don't worry, he's brought enough teabags for everyone. 450 00:25:36,969 --> 00:25:38,237 That means everyone gets a cup of tea 451 00:25:38,337 --> 00:25:39,471 but the pub goes out of business 452 00:25:39,572 --> 00:25:41,140 cause no one's buying a pint. 453 00:25:42,809 --> 00:25:47,313 So, Jeremy Hunt moved, that's where we were 454 00:25:48,681 --> 00:25:50,717 before that tangent. 455 00:25:52,084 --> 00:25:54,186 Jeremy Hunt over the Foreigns are in need 456 00:25:54,286 --> 00:25:55,755 of a new Health Secretary. 457 00:25:55,855 --> 00:25:58,591 Step forward, white man, number three. 458 00:25:58,691 --> 00:25:59,926 And they're all fucking white men, 459 00:26:00,026 --> 00:26:01,928 you'll notice this as we go along. 460 00:26:02,028 --> 00:26:03,996 Matt Hancock, and the thing is, 461 00:26:04,096 --> 00:26:07,366 I've got nothing against straight white men, I am one. 462 00:26:09,235 --> 00:26:12,171 I just don't necessarily think that our cabinet 463 00:26:12,271 --> 00:26:15,708 should look like a fucking snowstorm, you know. 464 00:26:15,808 --> 00:26:18,477 And you know, with it being a bunch of men 465 00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:20,546 being in this snowstorm, they're gonna say 466 00:26:20,647 --> 00:26:23,215 it's fucking six inches when it's actually four. 467 00:26:27,053 --> 00:26:32,191 But Matt Hancock is now our Health Secretary. 468 00:26:32,291 --> 00:26:35,928 Matt Hancock, he looks sorry. 469 00:26:36,028 --> 00:26:38,197 That's how I describe him you know. 470 00:26:38,297 --> 00:26:40,366 He looks like the type of man if you called him a cunt 471 00:26:40,466 --> 00:26:44,570 he'd laugh but inside he'd be dying, one of them. 472 00:26:45,337 --> 00:26:48,540 Now what qualifications does Matt Hancock have 473 00:26:48,641 --> 00:26:50,109 to be our Health Secretary? 474 00:26:51,143 --> 00:26:52,011 Is he a doctor? 475 00:26:53,179 --> 00:26:56,082 No, no. 476 00:26:56,182 --> 00:26:57,083 Is he a nurse? 477 00:26:57,984 --> 00:26:59,686 No. 478 00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:03,022 Was he particularly good at Operation? 479 00:27:05,925 --> 00:27:07,426 Fucking doubt it. 480 00:27:08,127 --> 00:27:12,699 But he did get a 32,000 pound donation 481 00:27:12,799 --> 00:27:14,566 from the head of a think tank, 482 00:27:14,667 --> 00:27:18,705 the one's to abolish the NHS, isn't that nice. 483 00:27:18,805 --> 00:27:21,273 Isn't that fucking lovely, aye. 484 00:27:21,373 --> 00:27:24,877 Hope is horseshit, reality is pain, welcome to the show. 485 00:27:30,282 --> 00:27:33,085 32,000 pound donation from the head of a think tank 486 00:27:33,185 --> 00:27:35,121 and I assume they call themselves a think tank 487 00:27:35,221 --> 00:27:37,924 cause that's where thoughts go to fucking drown. 488 00:27:40,059 --> 00:27:41,828 The think tank were the IEA. 489 00:27:43,162 --> 00:27:46,365 The Institute of Economic Affairs. 490 00:27:46,465 --> 00:27:48,434 Now they call themselves a charity, 491 00:27:48,534 --> 00:27:52,338 which is one of the reasons I have a problem with charity. 492 00:27:53,039 --> 00:27:54,540 There's part of me that does think 493 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,776 that some charities do good work. 494 00:27:56,876 --> 00:27:58,610 But a lot of them are also there 495 00:27:58,711 --> 00:28:01,347 cause, ah, isn't tax just a bitch to pay. 496 00:28:02,815 --> 00:28:04,717 I was walking down the street the other day 497 00:28:04,817 --> 00:28:06,652 and a chugger was walking towards me, 498 00:28:06,753 --> 00:28:08,087 it was a Oxfam chugger. 499 00:28:08,755 --> 00:28:11,657 And he was walking towards me, and on one hand 500 00:28:11,758 --> 00:28:14,761 I want to help but on the other hand, 501 00:28:14,861 --> 00:28:17,429 I don't want to pay for them to get laid. 502 00:28:19,631 --> 00:28:20,967 Do you remember this story? 503 00:28:21,067 --> 00:28:23,469 If you don't, a few months ago over in Haiti, 504 00:28:23,569 --> 00:28:28,741 there was a natural disaster, so Oxfam went over to help. 505 00:28:28,841 --> 00:28:32,611 And then we found out that the Oxfam volunteers 506 00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:36,849 were paying the victims of the natural disaster for sex. 507 00:28:39,418 --> 00:28:41,220 Morally, morally. 508 00:28:44,757 --> 00:28:48,928 Is it better or worse the fact they were paid? 509 00:28:55,667 --> 00:28:58,404 Did they have to pay tax? Who knows. 510 00:29:00,306 --> 00:29:02,674 What's big about that story is all the victims 511 00:29:02,775 --> 00:29:04,376 got free Oxfam t-shirt, 512 00:29:06,112 --> 00:29:07,179 all got a free Oxfam t-shirt 513 00:29:07,279 --> 00:29:08,647 so they're all walking around the port 514 00:29:08,747 --> 00:29:10,682 with their Oxfam t-shirts, I assume it said, 515 00:29:10,783 --> 00:29:14,486 I got fucked by Oxfam and all I got was this pissing t-shirt 516 00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:22,194 But back to the IEA, the IEA, this is a lobby group. 517 00:29:22,294 --> 00:29:25,364 That's all they are, you know, they're a lobby group. 518 00:29:25,464 --> 00:29:27,733 But call themselves a charity 519 00:29:27,834 --> 00:29:29,301 and they're currently under investigation 520 00:29:29,401 --> 00:29:31,103 from the charity watchdog cause they seem 521 00:29:31,203 --> 00:29:32,939 a touch too close to our government. 522 00:29:33,039 --> 00:29:34,841 To a point that they seem like they're able 523 00:29:34,941 --> 00:29:36,642 to change policy. 524 00:29:36,742 --> 00:29:39,411 They did this a few years ago. 525 00:29:39,511 --> 00:29:42,614 They got a 15,000 pound anonymous donation 526 00:29:42,714 --> 00:29:46,152 to put in to lobby for a new law. 527 00:29:46,252 --> 00:29:49,788 It was a charity gagging law to stop charities 528 00:29:49,889 --> 00:29:54,927 from using public funds to try to influence people 529 00:29:55,461 --> 00:29:59,932 in government with things like facts, with boo facts. 530 00:30:00,032 --> 00:30:01,667 That's where we are in the world. 531 00:30:01,767 --> 00:30:03,970 And they got it in, they managed to do it. 532 00:30:04,070 --> 00:30:06,372 It came in in 2014. 533 00:30:06,472 --> 00:30:09,308 Now does anyone, anyone want to hazard a guess 534 00:30:10,242 --> 00:30:14,813 as to what cabinet minister announced this policy? 535 00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,084 Any ideas? 536 00:30:19,085 --> 00:30:20,119 Theresa May. 537 00:30:20,219 --> 00:30:23,355 Close, it was Matt fucking Hancock. 538 00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:30,662 They're all in it together, you can see the lines. 539 00:30:30,762 --> 00:30:32,031 This isn't conspiracy theory, 540 00:30:32,131 --> 00:30:34,333 we're dealing with the retarded illuminati here. 541 00:30:34,433 --> 00:30:36,903 They're not even hiding it from us. 542 00:30:39,405 --> 00:30:41,073 And I'm against conspiracy theories. 543 00:30:41,173 --> 00:30:42,909 This isn't a conspiracy theory. 544 00:30:43,009 --> 00:30:44,977 I think conspiracy theories are bullshit. 545 00:30:45,077 --> 00:30:47,246 Like have you seen the flat earthers? 546 00:30:47,346 --> 00:30:49,982 Have you seen these nutty bastards? 547 00:30:52,151 --> 00:30:55,821 Ohhh, going for a wiz or leaving? 548 00:30:55,922 --> 00:30:57,056 No I'm coming back. 549 00:30:57,156 --> 00:30:59,458 Beautiful we'll take the first one then. 550 00:31:03,996 --> 00:31:07,533 Flat earthers, they get to go on TV now 551 00:31:07,633 --> 00:31:09,068 and spout their bollocks. 552 00:31:09,168 --> 00:31:10,903 If you don't know what a flat earther is, 553 00:31:11,003 --> 00:31:13,439 they think the earth's flat, it's in the name. 554 00:31:16,142 --> 00:31:18,210 But they're there and they get to go on TV, 555 00:31:18,310 --> 00:31:21,213 I just wish once they went onto a TV program 556 00:31:21,313 --> 00:31:24,683 where there was a massive telescope pointed left. 557 00:31:25,384 --> 00:31:28,054 And say, "Can you look through there please?" 558 00:31:28,154 --> 00:31:29,922 "Can you see New York?" 559 00:31:30,022 --> 00:31:31,090 "No, no." 560 00:31:33,859 --> 00:31:35,394 It's not flat then is it? 561 00:31:37,329 --> 00:31:38,630 Solved. 562 00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:43,435 Simple, easy. 563 00:31:52,544 --> 00:31:56,983 Matt Hancock was our Culture Secretary. 564 00:31:58,450 --> 00:32:01,887 So he moved over to health so now we need 565 00:32:01,988 --> 00:32:04,223 a new Culture Secretary. 566 00:32:04,323 --> 00:32:06,993 Step forward Jeremy Wright. 567 00:32:07,093 --> 00:32:09,428 Now Jeremy Wright plays the trumpet. 568 00:32:13,032 --> 00:32:15,001 That's all I've got on him. 569 00:32:25,077 --> 00:32:28,014 Jeremy Wright looks like he says, not all men. 570 00:32:29,348 --> 00:32:31,383 You know, he looks like one of them. 571 00:32:32,251 --> 00:32:36,488 And the thing is, when a man says, not all men, 572 00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:40,359 well not all men, you're right. 573 00:32:40,459 --> 00:32:44,696 But at the same time almost certainly you. 574 00:32:46,365 --> 00:32:48,500 Almost fucking certainly. 575 00:32:52,004 --> 00:32:56,042 Now he, Jeremy Wright 576 00:32:56,142 --> 00:33:00,212 is in charge of culture, digital and technology. 577 00:33:01,180 --> 00:33:06,385 He had a Twitter account in 2015, tweeted twice. 578 00:33:07,186 --> 00:33:09,421 Now he's in charge of social media. 579 00:33:11,323 --> 00:33:12,991 I'm starting to worry that the government 580 00:33:13,092 --> 00:33:16,462 are just picking the worst possible fucking people 581 00:33:16,562 --> 00:33:17,829 for every job. 582 00:33:17,929 --> 00:33:20,432 We found out the other day that the Northern Irish Secretary 583 00:33:20,532 --> 00:33:23,335 knew fuck all about Northern Irish politics. 584 00:33:23,435 --> 00:33:24,870 Gone all, this is delightful. 585 00:33:24,970 --> 00:33:27,005 I wouldn't be surprised to find out 586 00:33:27,106 --> 00:33:30,309 that our Children's Minister wasn't Gary Glitter. 587 00:33:33,079 --> 00:33:34,813 But then at least Gary Glitter knows something 588 00:33:34,913 --> 00:33:36,248 about fucking children. 589 00:33:44,223 --> 00:33:47,326 So being in charge of social media, 590 00:33:47,426 --> 00:33:49,461 we know how important this is. 591 00:33:49,561 --> 00:33:52,231 I'm a millennial so I know just how important 592 00:33:52,331 --> 00:33:54,433 all of this social media stuff is. 593 00:33:54,533 --> 00:33:57,669 Also being a millennial does mean I'm the worse thing 594 00:33:57,769 --> 00:34:01,740 that every happened, if you listen to any fucking article. 595 00:34:02,508 --> 00:34:05,444 Cause of our need to buy sandwiches, this is it. 596 00:34:06,412 --> 00:34:08,880 If we didn't have a need for sustenance 597 00:34:08,980 --> 00:34:12,084 we could afford these houses I've heard so much about. 598 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:18,124 But there's always two articles about millennials, 599 00:34:18,224 --> 00:34:19,358 always two. 600 00:34:19,458 --> 00:34:23,795 The first one is written by the millennials 601 00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:27,366 and tends to have the headline of 602 00:34:27,466 --> 00:34:32,671 "I'm 25, I purchased my own house find out how here" 603 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:34,706 and it's the same fucking thing. 604 00:34:34,806 --> 00:34:38,277 They're going well yeah, I was saving around 605 00:34:38,377 --> 00:34:41,247 five pounds a month, I did that for a year. 606 00:34:41,347 --> 00:34:44,416 And then papa gave me half a million pounds. 607 00:34:44,516 --> 00:34:46,552 I don't know how I managed to do it, I really don't. 608 00:34:46,652 --> 00:34:48,587 It was quite impressive, quite impressive. 609 00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:52,258 And then you've got the other side 610 00:34:52,358 --> 00:34:54,926 which tends to be written from people 611 00:34:55,026 --> 00:34:58,330 like my dad's generation, you know. 612 00:34:58,430 --> 00:35:00,632 And it tends to be, the problem with your generation, 613 00:35:00,732 --> 00:35:03,235 the problem with millennials, they spend all their time 614 00:35:03,335 --> 00:35:05,271 on their smartphones, don't they. 615 00:35:05,371 --> 00:35:07,105 We didn't have that when we were growing up. 616 00:35:07,206 --> 00:35:08,740 We didn't have smartphones. 617 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,242 And they're going along with their smartphones 618 00:35:10,342 --> 00:35:11,743 now that's the problem. 619 00:35:11,843 --> 00:35:14,513 We didn't have that when we were growing up. Like, no! 620 00:35:14,613 --> 00:35:17,349 You had a house dickhead, I'll swap. 621 00:35:21,086 --> 00:35:23,722 Take me phone, give me a roof, right. 622 00:35:24,890 --> 00:35:26,925 Somewhere where I'm not sharing with seven other people 623 00:35:27,025 --> 00:35:30,296 in one fucking bathroom. Wouldn't that be delightful. 624 00:35:31,963 --> 00:35:33,799 It's my pasta Derreck. 625 00:35:41,072 --> 00:35:44,676 I was in a conversation as I'm known to. 626 00:35:47,546 --> 00:35:49,448 And it was with an older gentleman 627 00:35:49,548 --> 00:35:52,318 who started it with, the problem with your generation. 628 00:35:52,418 --> 00:35:54,453 So I knew it was gonna be a cracker. 629 00:35:55,821 --> 00:35:57,756 You've got no common sense. 630 00:35:57,856 --> 00:36:00,959 Problem with your generation, you've got no common sense. 631 00:36:01,059 --> 00:36:03,128 My generation, ah, we're a wash with it. 632 00:36:03,229 --> 00:36:04,763 All we are is common sense. 633 00:36:04,863 --> 00:36:06,765 Your generation, you have no common sense. 634 00:36:06,865 --> 00:36:11,970 Cause my generation we all went to the university of life. 635 00:36:13,071 --> 00:36:17,443 Which is yet more free education these bastards got. 636 00:36:26,718 --> 00:36:31,423 Unlike a lot of comedians, I didn't go to university. 637 00:36:32,524 --> 00:36:34,360 I didn't even do A-Levels. 638 00:36:35,093 --> 00:36:38,397 I went to the primary school of life. 639 00:36:40,266 --> 00:36:42,968 Very different upbringing, you know. 640 00:36:43,068 --> 00:36:47,138 But we had some of the same types of books that you had 641 00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:48,807 but slightly different. 642 00:36:48,907 --> 00:36:52,978 So I want to read a book to you now that I was brought up on 643 00:36:55,547 --> 00:36:57,283 So I'm going to read you a book 644 00:36:57,383 --> 00:36:59,785 from the primary school of life. 645 00:37:08,527 --> 00:37:09,728 Some of you are aware of this book, 646 00:37:09,828 --> 00:37:12,264 I understand you have a version yourselves. 647 00:37:15,100 --> 00:37:16,968 Mine is slightly different. 648 00:37:18,637 --> 00:37:21,740 I wanna see if you can see the differences. 649 00:37:22,808 --> 00:37:25,877 I'm literally reading a fucking children's book to you now. 650 00:37:33,719 --> 00:37:38,390 In the light of the moon, the little egg lay on a leaf. 651 00:37:41,493 --> 00:37:45,664 One Sunday morning, the warm sun came up 652 00:37:45,764 --> 00:37:49,301 and pop, out of the egg came a tiny 653 00:37:49,401 --> 00:37:51,637 and very hungry caterpillar. 654 00:37:55,641 --> 00:37:57,676 He started to look for a job, 655 00:38:01,179 --> 00:38:03,315 but because he was born a caterpillar 656 00:38:03,415 --> 00:38:05,484 he was unable to find work. 657 00:38:05,584 --> 00:38:07,986 So he's put onto universal credit 658 00:38:09,254 --> 00:38:11,990 after a long and arduous interview process 659 00:38:12,090 --> 00:38:15,561 where he had to bring in a note from his lepidopterist 660 00:38:15,661 --> 00:38:17,829 to prove he was indeed a caterpillar. 661 00:38:20,432 --> 00:38:23,602 The very hungry caterpillar had to wait six weeks 662 00:38:23,702 --> 00:38:26,772 before getting any money from universal credit 663 00:38:26,872 --> 00:38:29,441 so he's forced to go to the forest food banks 664 00:38:29,541 --> 00:38:32,644 that had sprung up to help the poor insects. 665 00:38:33,979 --> 00:38:39,351 On Monday, he ate through one apple but he was still hungry. 666 00:38:41,453 --> 00:38:45,290 On Tuesday, he ate through two pears, 667 00:38:45,391 --> 00:38:47,659 but he was still hungry. 668 00:38:49,961 --> 00:38:53,832 On Wednesday, he ate through three plums 669 00:38:53,932 --> 00:38:55,133 but he was still hungry. 670 00:38:56,535 --> 00:38:59,505 On Thursday, he ate through four strawberries 671 00:38:59,605 --> 00:39:01,907 as the food bank was running out of food, 672 00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:04,743 but he was still hungry. 673 00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:09,347 On Friday, he ate through five oranges, 674 00:39:09,448 --> 00:39:12,083 which is the closest he got to his five a day, 675 00:39:13,485 --> 00:39:15,120 but he was still hungry. 676 00:39:17,689 --> 00:39:21,660 On Saturday, he ate through one piece of chocolate cake, 677 00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:26,231 one ice cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, 678 00:39:26,331 --> 00:39:31,537 one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, 679 00:39:31,637 --> 00:39:36,274 one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon. 680 00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:38,877 Which was a fucking mental meal. 681 00:39:43,749 --> 00:39:45,684 That night he had a stomach ache. 682 00:39:49,054 --> 00:39:52,424 The next day was Sunday again, the caterpillar, 683 00:39:52,524 --> 00:39:57,563 now with no food left ate through one green leaf. 684 00:39:57,663 --> 00:40:00,098 And then the depression took hold. 685 00:40:04,703 --> 00:40:06,772 Now he wasn't hungry anymore, 686 00:40:06,872 --> 00:40:09,475 he wasn't a little caterpillar anymore. 687 00:40:09,575 --> 00:40:12,444 He was just a number in a failing system. 688 00:40:13,779 --> 00:40:15,981 And see there, the caterpillar's crying. 689 00:40:17,148 --> 00:40:18,550 Sad caterpillar. 690 00:40:22,153 --> 00:40:25,957 He built a small looped knot called a noose around himself. 691 00:40:29,961 --> 00:40:33,098 Knowing that he wouldn't be found for more than two weeks. 692 00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:37,002 Then he put his head in the hole of the noose 693 00:40:37,102 --> 00:40:38,904 and pushed the chair away. 694 00:40:43,909 --> 00:40:46,945 As he swung away the last moments of his life, 695 00:40:48,346 --> 00:40:50,749 the world gave it's final fuck you, 696 00:40:50,849 --> 00:40:53,251 and he turned into a beautiful butterfly, 697 00:40:55,286 --> 00:40:56,321 and received the letter from 698 00:40:56,421 --> 00:40:57,523 the Department for Work and Pensions 699 00:40:57,623 --> 00:40:59,525 informing him he was fit to work. 700 00:41:04,863 --> 00:41:08,834 See there the captain has hung himself there. 701 00:41:09,635 --> 00:41:11,970 The butterfly's hung himself at that point. 702 00:41:12,671 --> 00:41:15,574 See there's a little chair he used now on it's side. 703 00:41:23,749 --> 00:41:25,183 Saw me in it, you know. 704 00:41:29,454 --> 00:41:31,790 What I like about that, just how subtle it is, you know. 705 00:41:31,890 --> 00:41:33,959 Oh, what could the author be meaning? 706 00:41:40,398 --> 00:41:42,267 How many people here are on Twitter? 707 00:41:43,635 --> 00:41:46,504 How many people are fucking lying to me right now? 708 00:41:47,806 --> 00:41:50,241 I'm on Twitter, I love Twitter. 709 00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:51,910 Absolutely love Twitter. 710 00:41:52,744 --> 00:41:56,314 My main problem with social media 711 00:41:56,414 --> 00:42:01,587 is the, it's all the stuff that goes viral, you know. 712 00:42:02,487 --> 00:42:05,824 Cause we seem to be searching for stuff to fill the void 713 00:42:05,924 --> 00:42:07,993 that we have in ourselves, that for some reason 714 00:42:08,093 --> 00:42:10,996 we don't just drink away anymore, you know. 715 00:42:11,897 --> 00:42:13,264 Back in the good old days we would just 716 00:42:13,364 --> 00:42:14,600 drink away the sadness. 717 00:42:14,700 --> 00:42:15,867 Now we're trying to find a cat 718 00:42:15,967 --> 00:42:17,903 that plays the fucking violin. 719 00:42:23,241 --> 00:42:25,711 Did we see yanny versus laurel? 720 00:42:25,811 --> 00:42:27,613 Did you see this? 721 00:42:27,713 --> 00:42:29,314 If you don't know what it is, 722 00:42:30,215 --> 00:42:33,484 it's a sound clip that people listen to 723 00:42:33,585 --> 00:42:37,889 and some people heard yanny and some people heard laurel. 724 00:42:37,989 --> 00:42:40,992 And this went around the fucking world. 725 00:42:41,092 --> 00:42:42,393 Everyone's all, what did you hear? 726 00:42:42,493 --> 00:42:45,430 I heard yanny, oh I heard laurel. 727 00:42:45,530 --> 00:42:47,733 When I listed to that, I heard 728 00:42:47,833 --> 00:42:50,702 that we've got far too much time on our hands, you know. 729 00:42:51,469 --> 00:42:54,806 I'm just worried that this is what we're doing with our time 730 00:42:54,906 --> 00:42:57,408 We've got people dying all over the world 731 00:42:57,508 --> 00:42:59,510 and this is what we're doing. 732 00:42:59,611 --> 00:43:01,146 Although I think that these victims 733 00:43:01,246 --> 00:43:04,816 need to start taking some fucking responsibility, you know. 734 00:43:04,916 --> 00:43:07,619 If they actually saw how the world was, 735 00:43:07,719 --> 00:43:08,920 then they could work to do something 736 00:43:09,020 --> 00:43:11,690 that we actually gave a fuck about, you know. 737 00:43:12,691 --> 00:43:16,427 Cause, like Chechnya as an example. 738 00:43:16,527 --> 00:43:19,698 Chechnya, gay people are being killed 739 00:43:19,798 --> 00:43:22,834 and oppressed there daily, absolutely daily. 740 00:43:22,934 --> 00:43:25,470 Do we give a fuck, do we, bollocks. 741 00:43:26,137 --> 00:43:28,974 But if they decided to wear a dress 742 00:43:29,074 --> 00:43:30,608 that we weren't sure the color of, 743 00:43:30,709 --> 00:43:33,912 ahhh, then we'd care wouldn't we? 744 00:43:36,081 --> 00:43:37,482 Be on the news, you'd be like, 745 00:43:37,582 --> 00:43:40,385 Ah, 40 dead over in Chechnya, 746 00:43:40,485 --> 00:43:43,288 we ask, what color is their dress? 747 00:43:44,055 --> 00:43:47,158 Is it white and gold, is it black and blue? 748 00:43:47,258 --> 00:43:50,195 Don't know about you's all, it looks bloodshot to me. 749 00:43:55,233 --> 00:43:56,334 Here's where we are. 750 00:43:56,434 --> 00:43:58,737 We are now, social media has allowed stupid people 751 00:43:58,837 --> 00:44:00,939 to get fucking far and dangerous people. 752 00:44:01,039 --> 00:44:04,209 That's it, but people like Jordan Peterson. 753 00:44:05,276 --> 00:44:07,412 If you do not know who Jordan Peterson is, 754 00:44:07,512 --> 00:44:10,315 well done to you, congratulations. 755 00:44:10,415 --> 00:44:12,417 I'm about to ruin that for you. 756 00:44:12,517 --> 00:44:16,487 He's a Canadian therapist 757 00:44:16,587 --> 00:44:19,290 that got famous off of a lie. 758 00:44:19,390 --> 00:44:23,795 And now is a self help guru doing the same old shit, 759 00:44:23,895 --> 00:44:25,030 the same old self help 760 00:44:25,130 --> 00:44:26,732 that's been around for years, you know. 761 00:44:26,832 --> 00:44:29,467 One of the things he says is, clean your room. 762 00:44:30,668 --> 00:44:34,840 Thanks mom, fuck is this. 763 00:44:34,940 --> 00:44:39,377 But he's a good orator, so it makes it sound different. 764 00:44:39,477 --> 00:44:42,480 I wish there was once a proper self help book, 765 00:44:42,580 --> 00:44:44,750 or an honest one, one that said 766 00:44:44,850 --> 00:44:48,586 maybe you're a dickhead, maybe that's the problem. 767 00:44:48,686 --> 00:44:52,057 Maybe if you weren't such a self serving, sanctimonious, 768 00:44:52,157 --> 00:44:54,893 shit stained cunt, you'd be happier. 769 00:44:54,993 --> 00:44:57,028 Why don't you work on that. 770 00:45:05,203 --> 00:45:09,474 Jordan Peterson, the other day, came out and he said, 771 00:45:09,574 --> 00:45:14,112 the reason that women wear blusher 772 00:45:14,813 --> 00:45:18,083 is to make their cheeks look like fruit 773 00:45:18,183 --> 00:45:22,020 cause men evolved from fruit eating monkeys. 774 00:45:24,589 --> 00:45:27,993 Now he said this out loud, 775 00:45:31,496 --> 00:45:32,497 in front of people. 776 00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:38,303 Just thinking, well why aren't men walking around 777 00:45:38,403 --> 00:45:42,107 with their faces painted green to look like kiwi fruit 778 00:45:42,207 --> 00:45:45,977 cause I assume women evolved from the same fucking species. 779 00:45:47,178 --> 00:45:50,381 But we know what he's saying is true, we know it to be true. 780 00:45:50,481 --> 00:45:53,684 Because we know for a fact that the reason 781 00:45:53,785 --> 00:45:55,821 that women wear high heels 782 00:45:55,921 --> 00:45:58,223 is to make their legs look like cocktail sausages 783 00:45:58,323 --> 00:45:59,557 cause men love a buffet. 784 00:46:04,062 --> 00:46:06,097 We know this to be true. 785 00:46:08,633 --> 00:46:12,770 He's backed, Jordan Peterson, he's backed by incels, 786 00:46:12,871 --> 00:46:14,272 incels love him. 787 00:46:14,372 --> 00:46:17,909 An incel stands for involuntary celibate. 788 00:46:18,944 --> 00:46:22,313 Now these are young white men who can't get laid. 789 00:46:22,413 --> 00:46:25,716 And oh, they are angry, angry about it. 790 00:46:25,817 --> 00:46:28,586 Ah, fuming that no one's touching it. 791 00:46:31,056 --> 00:46:32,357 They can't understand it. 792 00:46:32,457 --> 00:46:34,792 They're all, I was spending all day on the internet 793 00:46:34,893 --> 00:46:36,828 calling women bitches and yet still 794 00:46:36,928 --> 00:46:39,364 no one's touching me cock, I don't get it. 795 00:46:41,566 --> 00:46:43,368 My worry with people like incels 796 00:46:43,468 --> 00:46:46,171 is that fact that what I do not want to happen 797 00:46:46,271 --> 00:46:48,907 is this world becoming scared of virgins. 798 00:46:50,175 --> 00:46:51,910 I don't think that should be the case 799 00:46:52,010 --> 00:46:54,112 cause virgins aren't dangerous, you know. 800 00:46:54,212 --> 00:46:56,047 We shouldn't be scared of virgins. 801 00:46:56,147 --> 00:46:58,249 If virgins were dangerous then Comic-Con 802 00:46:58,349 --> 00:47:02,253 would be the most dangerous place in the world, you know. 803 00:47:02,353 --> 00:47:03,454 And it's not. 804 00:47:08,693 --> 00:47:10,528 Without social media, 805 00:47:10,628 --> 00:47:14,099 Trump would never have become President, ever. 806 00:47:14,199 --> 00:47:15,566 Never would have done it. 807 00:47:15,666 --> 00:47:19,237 It's because of Twitter and the lies that are put on. 808 00:47:19,337 --> 00:47:22,140 And like Trump, Trump's caging children. 809 00:47:22,240 --> 00:47:24,775 This is where we are, he's caging children. 810 00:47:24,876 --> 00:47:27,178 And people are defending him. 811 00:47:27,278 --> 00:47:28,213 There saying, well I think you'll find 812 00:47:28,313 --> 00:47:30,148 they're not technically cages. 813 00:47:31,950 --> 00:47:33,818 They're not technically cages. 814 00:47:34,519 --> 00:47:38,456 Is that the hill you want to die on, the technicality? 815 00:47:40,158 --> 00:47:43,094 I think you'll find they're not technically cages. 816 00:47:43,194 --> 00:47:46,564 They're actually containers allowing group enthrallment 817 00:47:46,664 --> 00:47:50,301 of sucklings, or cages for short. 818 00:47:53,471 --> 00:47:58,643 Nod if you saw this, all the kids who have been caged, 819 00:47:58,743 --> 00:48:01,379 had bar codes around their wrists. 820 00:48:01,479 --> 00:48:04,282 All of them got bar codes around their wrists. 821 00:48:04,382 --> 00:48:07,152 I can't be the first one to think finally, 822 00:48:07,252 --> 00:48:10,688 now we know the price of a refugee child, you know. 823 00:48:10,788 --> 00:48:14,059 No longer do we have to spend all of that time bartering. 824 00:48:15,093 --> 00:48:18,896 No true, has anyone ever bartered over children before? 825 00:48:18,997 --> 00:48:21,666 Take it from me, it's a pain, you know. 826 00:48:23,434 --> 00:48:26,104 We've all haggled before haven't we. 827 00:48:26,204 --> 00:48:27,372 You know that when you're haggling 828 00:48:27,472 --> 00:48:29,574 everyone's trying to fuck everyone else over 829 00:48:29,674 --> 00:48:33,945 and imagine that but with children, that same thing. 830 00:48:34,045 --> 00:48:36,214 So you're there, if you're trying to sell a child, 831 00:48:36,314 --> 00:48:37,815 people try to undercut ya. 832 00:48:37,915 --> 00:48:39,550 Going how much, that's ridiculous. 833 00:48:39,650 --> 00:48:42,620 This is high quality child I've got here. 834 00:48:42,720 --> 00:48:45,923 Do you know how much a 10 year old Guatemalan can clean? 835 00:48:48,193 --> 00:48:50,095 The other side ain't any better. 836 00:48:50,195 --> 00:48:52,063 If you're trying to buy a child, 837 00:48:52,163 --> 00:48:55,200 going to the lot where the children are kept. 838 00:48:55,300 --> 00:48:58,269 Going, how much for that one, how much for her? 839 00:48:58,369 --> 00:48:59,971 That's ridiculous mate, that is far too, 840 00:49:00,071 --> 00:49:01,672 you know the moment I take her off the lot 841 00:49:01,772 --> 00:49:04,075 she depreciates 20%. 842 00:49:05,310 --> 00:49:07,045 Not to mention value halving once she starts 843 00:49:07,145 --> 00:49:08,613 to develop and bleed. 844 00:49:13,251 --> 00:49:16,221 No one wants to pay the extras. 845 00:49:16,321 --> 00:49:18,589 We've all seen the taxes on female hygiene products. 846 00:49:18,689 --> 00:49:22,427 It's disgusting isn't it, absolutely disgusting. 847 00:49:22,527 --> 00:49:25,230 Am I right women, feminism, who knew. 848 00:49:28,099 --> 00:49:29,800 Who knew that was a feminist bit, aye. 849 00:49:29,900 --> 00:49:31,569 I fucking didn't. 850 00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:40,778 Donald Trump said that we couldn't do anything about 851 00:49:40,878 --> 00:49:42,813 the caging of the children. 852 00:49:42,913 --> 00:49:46,217 And then he realized who the fuck he was. 853 00:49:46,917 --> 00:49:48,386 Oh, well actually, you know I can, yeah. 854 00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:50,955 So what he did, was instead of caging children on their own, 855 00:49:51,056 --> 00:49:53,458 he caged them with their parents. 856 00:49:53,558 --> 00:49:55,393 Which, win? 857 00:49:58,396 --> 00:49:59,730 Now they're in the same sized cages 858 00:49:59,830 --> 00:50:02,200 so you've just got more people in the cages, you know, 859 00:50:02,300 --> 00:50:04,702 looking a lot like the boiler stripe pajamas 860 00:50:04,802 --> 00:50:06,337 if it was sponsored by Nike. 861 00:50:08,706 --> 00:50:10,841 But in this country, when we heard about this, 862 00:50:10,941 --> 00:50:14,879 we were fucking fuming, we were fuming. 863 00:50:14,979 --> 00:50:17,515 He's doing what, that is disgusting. 864 00:50:18,283 --> 00:50:20,485 That would never happen in this country. 865 00:50:20,585 --> 00:50:22,653 Wouldn't take children away from their parents. 866 00:50:22,753 --> 00:50:24,122 Not in this country. 867 00:50:25,223 --> 00:50:27,658 We're not perfect but we're not that bad. 868 00:50:31,062 --> 00:50:36,267 Apart from the 15,000 plus children 869 00:50:37,235 --> 00:50:39,704 that are currently without at least one of their parents 870 00:50:39,804 --> 00:50:41,306 cause of our immigration laws. 871 00:50:41,406 --> 00:50:44,475 And not to mention that we daily, daily, 872 00:50:44,575 --> 00:50:47,078 take children away from their parents. 873 00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:49,614 Refugee children, everything. 874 00:50:49,714 --> 00:50:51,916 Cause we are just as bad with putting them 875 00:50:52,016 --> 00:50:53,551 in unsafe environments. 876 00:50:54,519 --> 00:50:58,156 But we don't hear about it because in our Commons, 877 00:50:58,256 --> 00:51:01,025 in the House of Commons, how we talk about it, 878 00:51:01,126 --> 00:51:03,194 we start of saying refugee. 879 00:51:03,961 --> 00:51:07,132 And then by the end of the sentence we're saying migrant. 880 00:51:07,232 --> 00:51:10,201 Refugee, migrant, refugee, migrant, refugee, migrant. 881 00:51:10,301 --> 00:51:12,170 To keep everyone confused so we don't know 882 00:51:12,270 --> 00:51:13,404 what we're talking about. 883 00:51:13,504 --> 00:51:16,441 And then we always end of terrorism. 884 00:51:16,541 --> 00:51:18,509 Cause let's keep everyone scared. 885 00:51:19,877 --> 00:51:24,749 We see refugees in the same way that we used to see witches. 886 00:51:26,717 --> 00:51:32,089 If you drown, you my friend are not a terrorist. 887 00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:36,827 If you happen to make it to this country, 888 00:51:36,927 --> 00:51:40,431 then you my friend are a terrorist. 889 00:51:41,632 --> 00:51:45,336 And while all that's going on, in our media, 890 00:51:46,671 --> 00:51:51,609 online, on our TV's, our politicians, down the street, 891 00:51:51,709 --> 00:51:53,478 we hear the same thing. 892 00:51:53,578 --> 00:51:56,481 Will no one think of the children. 893 00:51:57,482 --> 00:52:00,451 Will no one think of the children. 894 00:52:01,352 --> 00:52:04,189 That everyday, every decision that we make 895 00:52:04,289 --> 00:52:06,857 is for the children, that's what we hear. 896 00:52:06,957 --> 00:52:09,260 Brexit is for the kids. 897 00:52:09,360 --> 00:52:11,296 Austerity is for the kids. 898 00:52:11,396 --> 00:52:14,064 Privatizing education is for the kids. 899 00:52:14,165 --> 00:52:16,667 We're there screaming, will no one think of the children. 900 00:52:16,767 --> 00:52:19,637 While we are metaphorically balls deep 901 00:52:19,737 --> 00:52:22,173 in the bleeding orifice of a child. 902 00:52:22,273 --> 00:52:24,108 Gently stroking their hair saying, 903 00:52:24,209 --> 00:52:27,378 we're doing this for you, it's all for you. 904 00:52:27,478 --> 00:52:29,914 Everything that we do is for you. 905 00:52:30,014 --> 00:52:32,550 Do not cry, it's all for you. 906 00:52:37,388 --> 00:52:39,357 At least pedophiles fuck children 907 00:52:39,457 --> 00:52:41,759 cause they find them attractive, you know. 908 00:52:45,863 --> 00:52:48,766 What the fuck is our excuse? 909 00:52:48,866 --> 00:52:52,503 I know people are looking at me now with faces like thunder. 910 00:52:53,404 --> 00:52:56,607 You have to understand we're just as bad to blame 911 00:52:56,707 --> 00:52:57,775 as everyone else. 912 00:52:58,909 --> 00:53:00,511 And when I say that we are metaphorically 913 00:53:00,611 --> 00:53:02,847 balls deep in children, saying, 914 00:53:02,947 --> 00:53:06,351 will we not think of you, aren't we great people. 915 00:53:06,451 --> 00:53:09,754 That's us, that's all of us, every single one of us. 916 00:53:12,957 --> 00:53:14,959 Coming towards the end of this. 917 00:53:16,427 --> 00:53:21,632 We saw Jeremy Wright, 918 00:53:22,032 --> 00:53:24,302 now he was the Attorney General. 919 00:53:25,370 --> 00:53:28,239 He's moved over, so now a new Attorney General 920 00:53:28,339 --> 00:53:29,674 is Geoffrey Cox. 921 00:53:29,774 --> 00:53:34,245 Now Geoffrey Cox is a lawyer, a win. 922 00:53:34,345 --> 00:53:37,081 Someone who knows what they're talking about. 923 00:53:37,181 --> 00:53:39,784 He's also voted against Legal Aid. 924 00:53:40,685 --> 00:53:44,855 And voted for tax haven, cause we cannot have nice things. 925 00:53:44,955 --> 00:53:45,856 We can't. 926 00:53:46,524 --> 00:53:48,158 But he's still the best. 927 00:53:48,259 --> 00:53:50,895 Out of everyone I've mentioned tonight, 928 00:53:50,995 --> 00:53:52,863 he is still the best. 929 00:53:53,898 --> 00:53:54,799 Cause we're at a point 930 00:53:54,899 --> 00:53:57,268 where we're picking our favorite cancer. 931 00:53:58,569 --> 00:53:59,770 That's where we are. 932 00:54:07,612 --> 00:54:11,616 Theresa May was asked why everyone was white men 933 00:54:11,716 --> 00:54:12,750 that she picked. 934 00:54:12,850 --> 00:54:15,052 And she said it was because she wanted 935 00:54:15,152 --> 00:54:16,721 the best possible people. 936 00:54:18,556 --> 00:54:21,191 Which hurts when she says it doesn't it, you know. 937 00:54:21,292 --> 00:54:23,561 A woman known for two main things, 938 00:54:23,661 --> 00:54:26,464 hostile environment and Windrush, 939 00:54:26,564 --> 00:54:29,567 which was a particularly bad day in the office, you know 940 00:54:29,667 --> 00:54:31,402 We've all had them know haven't' we, you know. 941 00:54:31,502 --> 00:54:34,038 Accidentally reply all to an email. 942 00:54:35,506 --> 00:54:37,608 May accidentally break a printer. 943 00:54:38,409 --> 00:54:40,878 May accidentally deport British people to Jamaica 944 00:54:40,978 --> 00:54:42,480 for some fucking reason. 945 00:54:43,414 --> 00:54:45,082 Whilst given them a leaflet telling them 946 00:54:45,182 --> 00:54:47,852 to put on a Jamaican accent. 947 00:54:47,952 --> 00:54:50,988 I assume that was written by fucking Benny Hill, you know. 948 00:54:57,294 --> 00:55:00,197 When Amber Rudd was our Home Secretary 949 00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:02,800 she sent an email to Theresa May saying 950 00:55:02,900 --> 00:55:06,170 that she wanted to make our immigration laws tougher. 951 00:55:06,270 --> 00:55:07,638 Have more teeth. 952 00:55:08,406 --> 00:55:10,341 Which is the only way to possibly make 953 00:55:10,441 --> 00:55:12,443 our immigration laws harsher, you know. 954 00:55:12,543 --> 00:55:14,879 If we actually started to bite immigrants. 955 00:55:19,584 --> 00:55:22,720 She of course was replaced by Sajid Javid. 956 00:55:22,820 --> 00:55:26,891 Who's first job was to attempt to deport himself. 957 00:55:39,537 --> 00:55:43,608 Said that we're gonna start stockpiling organs 958 00:55:43,708 --> 00:55:45,843 just in case of a no deal, which is a sentence 959 00:55:45,943 --> 00:55:48,145 that you hear with only the most successful 960 00:55:48,245 --> 00:55:49,747 of all the countries. 961 00:55:49,847 --> 00:55:51,882 I think they've missed the trick though. 962 00:55:51,982 --> 00:55:55,420 I don't think we should start stockpiling organs. 963 00:55:55,520 --> 00:55:58,456 I think we should find a way of making everyone happy. 964 00:55:59,390 --> 00:56:00,925 The left and the right. 965 00:56:01,025 --> 00:56:04,194 And you do that by allowing free movement. 966 00:56:04,962 --> 00:56:09,400 Cause only then are we keeping our organs fresh. 967 00:56:10,568 --> 00:56:12,837 The left are happy because of free movement 968 00:56:12,937 --> 00:56:15,640 and the right are happy cause their killing foreigners. 969 00:56:15,740 --> 00:56:18,042 Everyone's a winner, you know. 970 00:56:19,744 --> 00:56:21,446 Also said that we're gonna start stockpiling food 971 00:56:21,546 --> 00:56:23,313 which is just great cause we're gonna get the army 972 00:56:23,414 --> 00:56:24,615 to start delivering it. 973 00:56:24,715 --> 00:56:26,417 Which is, I've always wanted to cosplay 974 00:56:26,517 --> 00:56:27,952 as a starving fucking African. 975 00:56:28,052 --> 00:56:29,520 It's gonna be so much fun. 976 00:56:31,288 --> 00:56:33,624 My jog at first at a fucking rice van. 977 00:56:42,567 --> 00:56:46,070 I'm gonna thank you for coming down. 978 00:56:46,737 --> 00:56:48,706 Some of you have enjoyed this, 979 00:56:53,210 --> 00:56:54,512 other's haven't. 980 00:56:55,345 --> 00:56:57,982 The fact you stayed for an hour if you didn't enjoy it 981 00:56:58,082 --> 00:56:59,650 very much says a lot on you. 982 00:57:00,451 --> 00:57:02,453 Doesn't affect me in the slightest. 983 00:57:08,025 --> 00:57:12,730 Um, I've been thinking of trying to find the way 984 00:57:12,830 --> 00:57:17,768 to end the final show of my cunting trilogy. 985 00:57:21,105 --> 00:57:22,507 I haven't thought of one. 986 00:57:24,542 --> 00:57:27,277 The original idea was going to be me 987 00:57:27,377 --> 00:57:29,346 talking to my younger self. 988 00:57:30,080 --> 00:57:34,018 Cause I'm 30 now so I was gonna talk to my 15 year old self. 989 00:57:34,118 --> 00:57:36,921 And he was gonna ask me questions about the future 990 00:57:37,021 --> 00:57:38,923 and he was going to end by me telling him 991 00:57:39,023 --> 00:57:40,090 to kill himself. 992 00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:46,463 Cause that's the only way that I can see hope. 993 00:57:50,568 --> 00:57:52,970 But I didn't have the time to write that 994 00:57:53,070 --> 00:57:54,939 cause of David Davis and all of that stuff 995 00:57:55,039 --> 00:57:57,074 we've just gone through. 996 00:57:58,075 --> 00:58:03,113 So I'll say this, in the final one, 997 00:58:03,247 --> 00:58:07,718 I've spent years now looking at the worst that we are, 998 00:58:07,818 --> 00:58:11,722 so I do not necessarily have the greatest of 999 00:58:12,723 --> 00:58:14,759 respect for humanity. 1000 00:58:14,859 --> 00:58:17,528 If it was up to me, I'd kill everyone. 1001 00:58:18,896 --> 00:58:22,299 I'm very much a genocidal liberal, you know. 1002 00:58:27,037 --> 00:58:31,441 There are good things, there are good people. 1003 00:58:31,542 --> 00:58:34,278 But everyone is a cunt. 1004 00:58:35,079 --> 00:58:37,582 Once you realize that then you can actually start 1005 00:58:37,682 --> 00:58:39,717 being better, more honest. 1006 00:58:39,817 --> 00:58:42,052 Until such time, you're gonna walk around 1007 00:58:42,152 --> 00:58:44,655 with fucking sticks up your asses 1008 00:58:44,755 --> 00:58:46,423 going aren't we delightful, while the world 1009 00:58:46,523 --> 00:58:48,125 is burning around you. 1010 00:58:48,225 --> 00:58:49,794 And then when everyone does die, 1011 00:58:49,894 --> 00:58:53,530 there isn't a heaven, there isn't a hell, you're just food.