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Hey-o.
I don't start big.
But we'll get there.
I'll be shouting and screaming by the end
but you're gonna start off quite slowly.
So my name's Ashley Haden.
Welcome to "We All Die Cunts"
You all know it's called that right?
There isn't anyone here shocked?
Cause I have to start off with a trigger warning.
All of my shows I have to start off with a trigger warning
cause there's a chance that you're not all gonna make it.
You know.
Some of yous will walk out.
And that's fine because the thing is
is there are gonna be people in this room
who saw they had cunt in the title
and gone, that's for me, that it is for me.
That is fucking for me, it's got cunt in,
I love the word, it's beautiful.
And it's not for you.
It's not.
This is the final show of my cunting trilogy.
So I've spent years writing about
how everyone's a cunt.
Like the first show was called "We're All Cunts"
Two years ago.
It was a good show, it was scrappy, you know.
I felt good about it, I felt excited about it.
I'll tell you a joke from there
so we know where we standing.
We all know Israel and Palestine don't we?
All heard of that?
A few years ago it was quite big in the papers.
Not as much anymore cause we've got other things
to pretend to give a fuck about.
But back then it was really big in the papers.
And what annoyed me a lot was everyone on Facebook
and Twitter sharing all the photos of dead children
cause they're empty inside.
Cause the problem is not all of these photos
were from Gaza.
So some were from Syria, some were from Iraq back in 09.
Begging the question,
are your dead children not photogenic enough?
What's going on?
You have bombs, death, destruction.
Right, bring in the camera crew.
I assume there's someone a couple of hundred miles away
who I can only guess is a dead baby version of Tinder
just going muntel, muntel, muntel, muntel, muntel.
See a scrappy show.
Dark but we can all get behind it, you know.
Last year's show, last year's show was called
"We Are Still All Cunts"
cause we hadn't improved, you know.
If anything we've gotten worse.
And I'll tell you a joke from that show.
Did you know
in 2016
over in America
more toddlers killed people than terrorists?
Begging the question,
when are we gonna start bombing playschools.
On purpose,
not the accidental one.
And I'll tell you what I haven't seen,
I haven't seen anyone from the toddler community
coming out condemning these attacks, have you?
Where the fuck are they?
That's what I wanna see.
I wanna see the community leader of the toddlers
standing in front of a nursery, reading a statement.
But no, and I've been into nurseries, I've asked them.
I've said, Why are you not condemning these attacks?
Why the fuck are you not condemning these attacks?
And do you know what they do?
Just cry and ask for their parents.
Scummy little cunts.
So you have another show, dark but we can all get behind it
it was fun, fun.
This year for this show, I had someone find me on Facebook
after seeing my show
and send me a message saying,
"I saw your show,
I found it offensive and crude.
I shall not be recommending it."
The show's called "We All Die Cunts"
what the fuck could they expect here exactly from this show?
Me walking on stage saying all of my pluses for butterflies.
Not all of this is funny don't worry.
Every year I've had to rewrite my shows, every year.
Because I'm a political comedian.
This show basically just politics, you know.
The previous shows, they were really, they really
had something for everyone as long as you were a cunt.
But this year if you don't like politics, ahhh,
there's nothing for you.
Nothing at all.
Like, two years ago, my show was meant to be about
how we voted remain.
Nope.
Last year, I wrote a show about
the Tory majority government.
Nope.
This year I though I've got it in the bag.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
Nothing's gonna go wrong here.
I was gonna write a show about the cabinet.
About Brexit negotiations, how that was going.
And then a few weeks ago, on Sunday evening,
at half 11 at night, David Davis resigned.
And with it went my fucking show.
He resigned half 11 at night on a Sunday,
suggesting that he had a few to drink, you know.
But we've all been there haven't we, you know.
Sunday night, you have few too many,
fuck it I'm not going into work on Monday.
I'm just not doing it mate, I'm just not doing it.
But he knew he used up all of his holiday.
Couldn't take another fucking sick day.
All five of his nans are died.
So he though fuck it, I'm gonna resign, and he did.
And everyone went, this is important,
this is fucking important.
Until we found out that David Davis spent four hours
this year speaking to Michel Barnier.
Four hours doing his fucking job.
You can get nothing done in four hours.
All you can do in four hours
is watch "Gone With the Wind."
And that is as long as you do not have an interval.
But this is a man who said that I do not need to be
intelligent to do my job.
It's the only time he's never lied.
But of course he was replaced,
cause this is the thing with Brexit.
I'm starting to worry that these people
who really seem to want it, don't actually want it.
Looking over the moment, looking at Brexit negotiations
is like watching someone confidently do the
cinnamon challenge
and then drown.
But he was replaced by Dominic Raab.
Now Dominic Raab, how would I describe him?
He looks like the stock image of a weekend dad, you know.
His eyes scream, does mommy still mention me?
Is Dominic Raab a good person?
No.
A lot of these questions are rhetorical.
Just to let everyone know towards the stop, you know.
I know some of this will come across
like it's a conversation, but it's not, you know.
Dominic Raab is a bell-end.
He spent the last 10 years trying to get rid
of the Human Rights Act tent, and has been unable to
because and I quote "His ideas were legally illiterate."
We voted for him, illiterate.
But our government is gonna get rid of our human rights
we know this, we've seen this.
It's been in their manifestos, they've said it out loud.
This current government is gonna write your human rights.
Well I say the government's going to
they're actually going to pay a building firm
about seven billion pounds over 30 years.
And wonder why workhouses have come back
and we've started to burn the disabled for fuel.
Which isn't far away from what the government wants
I assume, you know.
Judging by how Brexit's going, our human rights
are gonna have all the same rights as cattle
without the fun of someone coming around and wanking us off.
Last year Dominic Raab was interviewed
and he said that the reason that we've got
a rise in food banks is because of a cash flow problem.
Which is interesting way to describe poverty isn't it.
He's not wrong though, it is a cash flow problem
because of the government,
because of things like austerity.
It's because of austerity, austerity is the worse thing
to happen to this country in years.
And most people don't have a fucking clue what it is.
Don't have a dickey.
So I am going to describe to you now
what austerity is, so we can laugh and learn together.
So we all know the government is fucking us
in the ass repeatedly, we know this, you know.
And so the government have bent us over
and are fucking us in the ass.
Going and going and going.
Now the government is wearing a condom made of welfare.
This is to make sure we don't get any of those
government STI's, like poverty and homelessness.
And so the government is fucking us in the ass
over and over and over and over.
And over time this condom's getting thinner and thinner.
So they're fucking us and fucking us and fucking us.
And then the condom breaks.
Now the government is bareback riding us in the ass
just proper jack hammering, going and going and going.
We're biting a pillow at this point, you know.
Going and going and going.
And then our asshole prolapses.
That's austerity.
I know it's not the Guardian definition of austerity
but this ain't the fucking Guardian.
In 2011,
Dominic Raab wrote an article about
having to deal with the problems in feminism.
About having to deal with the feminists bigotry.
Which I'm quite sure is part of the Tory initiation.
Stick your dick in a pig, say that women are bad.
I'm quite sure that's the way it goes.
But we've seen this over years, over the past couple
of years with Weinstein and all of this,
just how bad everything is.
So I've got an idea.
Do we mind, over the next few months,
if we change the phrase witch hunt
to a rapist chase?
I think we'd take everything a lot more seriously.
Ahhh, all this Harvey Weinstein stuff is just a witch hunt.
Ah, all this Harvey Weinstein stuff
it's just a rapist chase, oh yeah.
It is, we're chasing rapists.
It's a good thing.
Get on your trainers, let's go for a run shall we.
Especially these Hollywood rapists.
Have you seen these fat cunts?
Wouldn't you like to see a fat rapist waddle?
Isn't that everyone's dream?
With the world trying to stop sexual harassment
you see this thing that happens over and over again.
Tends to be on Facebook, normally written by
old white men who should know better by now,
or at least be dead.
And it's always the same, oh you're trying to stop
sexual harassment are you, trying to stop sexual harassment
does that mean I can no longer flirt with women?
Does that mean I can no longer flirt with women?
Listen, if the world trying to stop sexual harassment
means that you cannot flirt with women,
there's a good chance that you cannot flirt with women.
You're doing it wrong mate, you know.
Talk to them, don't touch them, simple rules.
What you didn't see is this is happening in London.
We have landlords now that are offering
places to stay for sexual favors.
Landlords offering places to stay for sexual favors.
I don't know about you but I don't wanna play
that version of Monopoly, you know.
That would ruin the family Christmas wouldn't it.
Pass go, collect a mint.
Day after David Davis resigned, Boris Johnson resigned.
Fans of Boris Johnson here.
Boris Johnson, the final weep of cum after a buggering
trickling down the face of a boarding school child.
Don't feel sorry for this man, you know.
Only MP to put abortions on expenses.
I'll be honest, I don't know if that's true.
It just sounds true doesn't it, you know.
The other week Boris Johnson was going on about
how people should dress and how they should look.
Go, Boris, you are not the man to be talking about this.
Boris Johnson looks like a half used suppository
for fucks sake.
He's been going on about belief and hope,
no ideas, just belief and hope and all of this stuff
and it's nationalism, that's where we are now.
That's where we are in a country.
We're not dealing in patriotism.
This is pure nationalism.
And I don't get nationalism, you know.
I don't get the idea of being blindly proud
about where you're randomly shat out of, you know.
I don't get that.
Especially on the back of our history.
What have you seen our history?
We are terrible guests.
Terrible.
You wouldn't invite us anywhere.
History says you don't need to invite us,
we will turn up.
And then leave with your Hover saying
we're keeping it in a safer place.
But what I don't get with it all,
is with nationalism, it's never for good, is it?
There's no community spirit in nationalism.
There's no fucking village fake nationalists to put it on
is there, you know.
Cupcakes for callays as long as they fucking stay there.
There's none of that.
But it's always the same.
You never see someone draped in a St. George's flag
going I fucking love England, fucking love England.
How do you tell, oh, yeah, oh, I love it, I love all of it,
the dogs, the lions, the other stuff, I love it all.
Oh, so what are you doing this weekend?
I'm gonna go clean the park.
It's never that.
Never gonna go clean the park are they?
Never gonna go feed the homeless.
Always gonna go to the football on the weekend
see if they can't kick the fuck out of a minority.
Nationalism not patriotism, they're not good people.
And the left aren't any better.
Don't get me started on these hashtag wankers.
Fucking hell.
What a bunch of whiny shit stains the fucking left are.
Congratulations if you are a left wing,
you've achieved nothing and you've looked shit
when you're doing it.
Fucks sake.
Go along doing a fucking march every two seconds
in a vain attempt to make yourself feel better
about the fact that you're eating organic
and people are dying.
Hemp-y cunts.
A few months ago, the left protested
a cafe called Blighty, and they did this
cause Blighty have a breakfast called The Winston.
And they said that this was promoting colonialism.
Which is bollocks.
It's not, it's just something to sell.
You would buy a breakfast called The Winston.
No one's buying a breakfast called 26 million dead Indians,
are they, you know.
That's just not appetizing, you know.
Would you like a side with that?
Oh yeah, I'll have the concentration camps
and a bottle of war please.
Mmm, now I'm full.
After Boris Johnson, he resigned.
That should have been the best thing to happen
to world peace in about 90 months.
But he was replaced by Jeremy Hunt.
A man with Murdoch's hand so far up his ass
that they were gonna ask Murdoch to replace Keith Harris
when he died.
As a show of hands, and I ask this every show,
how many people know who Keith Harris is?
Yep, did it for a month, never dropped the joke,
hardly anyone knows who the fuck Keith Harris is.
So it died every pissing night.
Not dropping the joke though.
There's part of me that does feel sorry
for Jeremy Hunt though.
There is part of me that does feel sorry for him.
And I'll tell you for why.
It's because he left the NHS earlier than he wanted to.
He wanted to be there longer because he was unable
to kill enough people to maintain that erection
he's been working on for so long, you know.
That's the thing, only 10,000 more
and it would have got fully erect.
He was meant to be moved months ago
during Theresa May's 52 card cock-up.
But Theresa May said, I'm moving you to business.
And Jeremy Hunt said, No.
And Theresa May said, Okay.
He got a promotion.
Not only did he not get moved, he got social as well.
To now he was Health Secretary also in charge of Social.
Which was the first time the old people
were ever upset they survived the winter, you know.
And you'll notice so far
that I haven't done a lot on Labour.
The main reason that is, is because what's the fucking point
They're doing enough damage themselves,
they don't need me satirizing the fact
that they're awful people.
And I don't like Corbyn. I fucking despise Corbyn.
I do not like career politicians,
and I think he's a hypocritical cunt.
People I hate more than Corbyn though, fucking supporters.
These are some dodgy dangerous fuck night, culty,
cunty bastards aren't they, good god.
And that's it, they're in a cult.
That's it, it's a three pound cult.
Which sounds like a fucking bargain, doesn't it.
Three pounds to get into a cult,
where you get a full sense of moral superiority.
And get to go to a shit Glastonbury
with assholes who are more of assholes
than the ones who actually go to Glastonbury, Christ.
It's ridiculous.
I don't like how they treat Jeremy Corbyn
like he's the second coming of Jesus, you know.
Although like Jesus, he's about to be fucked by the Jews.
Of course Jeremy Corbyn isn't anti-Semitic,
sure knows a lot of them though don't he, you know.
I'm surprised he isn't an anti-Semitic via osmosis
at this point.
He can't be, if he was anti-Semitic, then would he
hang around with so many people who hate the Jews?
Yes, he would, yes he would.
This is where we are in politics though.
Everyone hates someone.
Cause this is the thing with Labour,
they're not even the best with anti-Semitism,
Tory shat on them.
Cause when Labour had all their months
of being anti-Semitic, Tories came along,
voted for Alban.
That's proper anti-Semitism.
How shit are Labour that they can't even hate well.
That's it.
They can't even do anti-Semitism well.
This is how shit they are.
But everyone hates someone in politics, this is it.
The Tories hate the Muslims.
Labour hate the Jews.
Lib-Dems hate the Mormons, I assume.
I assume they hate the Mormons cause they don't like
anyone who can have more wives than they can have MP's.
But this is where we are, we've got characters.
We don't have politicians, we've got characters.
It's been and I hear a lot of, "Ah you'd go out for
a drink with them though wouldn't ya?"
You'd go out for a drink with them.
If you saw them in the pub, you'd go out for a drink
with them.
No.
I wouldn't go for a drink with one of these
repugnant assholes.
Can you imagine these fucking twats in a pub.
Jacob Rees Mog would be there complaining
that they didn't have his version of Chateauneuf-du-Pape.
David Davis would be there trying to negotiate
over the pint of a Guinness, you know, pay more somehow.
Boris Johnson would be there just spiking drinks.
Theresa May would be trying to convince you
that she purchased the last round, you know.
So you're going, I know you didn't.
This is the first round, you know.
The other side aren't better though.
We all know someone like John McDonnell, he would be there.
He's one of those people who'd be walking around the bar
trying to convince people where Russia and China
went wrong with Communism,
whilst no doubt wearing a scarf and a fucking beret.
Diane Abbott would be there counting the change.
Take her about a week.
Jeremy Corbyn would just order a pot of hot water
cause he brought his own fucking teabags.
But don't worry, he's brought enough teabags for everyone.
That means everyone gets a cup of tea
but the pub goes out of business
cause no one's buying a pint.
So, Jeremy Hunt moved, that's where we were
before that tangent.
Jeremy Hunt over the Foreigns are in need
of a new Health Secretary.
Step forward, white man, number three.
And they're all fucking white men,
you'll notice this as we go along.
Matt Hancock, and the thing is,
I've got nothing against straight white men, I am one.
I just don't necessarily think that our cabinet
should look like a fucking snowstorm, you know.
And you know, with it being a bunch of men
being in this snowstorm, they're gonna say
it's fucking six inches when it's actually four.
But Matt Hancock is now our Health Secretary.
Matt Hancock, he looks sorry.
That's how I describe him you know.
He looks like the type of man if you called him a cunt
he'd laugh but inside he'd be dying, one of them.
Now what qualifications does Matt Hancock have
to be our Health Secretary?
Is he a doctor?
No, no.
Is he a nurse?
No.
Was he particularly good at Operation?
Fucking doubt it.
But he did get a 32,000 pound donation
from the head of a think tank,
the one's to abolish the NHS, isn't that nice.
Isn't that fucking lovely, aye.
Hope is horseshit, reality is pain, welcome to the show.
32,000 pound donation from the head of a think tank
and I assume they call themselves a think tank
cause that's where thoughts go to fucking drown.
The think tank were the IEA.
The Institute of Economic Affairs.
Now they call themselves a charity,
which is one of the reasons I have a problem with charity.
There's part of me that does think
that some charities do good work.
But a lot of them are also there
cause, ah, isn't tax just a bitch to pay.
I was walking down the street the other day
and a chugger was walking towards me,
it was a Oxfam chugger.
And he was walking towards me, and on one hand
I want to help but on the other hand,
I don't want to pay for them to get laid.
Do you remember this story?
If you don't, a few months ago over in Haiti,
there was a natural disaster, so Oxfam went over to help.
And then we found out that the Oxfam volunteers
were paying the victims of the natural disaster for sex.
Morally, morally.
Is it better or worse the fact they were paid?
Did they have to pay tax? Who knows.
What's big about that story is all the victims
got free Oxfam t-shirt,
all got a free Oxfam t-shirt
so they're all walking around the port
with their Oxfam t-shirts, I assume it said,
I got fucked by Oxfam and all I got was this pissing t-shirt
But back to the IEA, the IEA, this is a lobby group.
That's all they are, you know, they're a lobby group.
But call themselves a charity
and they're currently under investigation
from the charity watchdog cause they seem
a touch too close to our government.
To a point that they seem like they're able
to change policy.
They did this a few years ago.
They got a 15,000 pound anonymous donation
to put in to lobby for a new law.
It was a charity gagging law to stop charities
from using public funds to try to influence people
in government with things like facts, with boo facts.
That's where we are in the world.
And they got it in, they managed to do it.
It came in in 2014.
Now does anyone, anyone want to hazard a guess
as to what cabinet minister announced this policy?
Any ideas?
Theresa May.
Close, it was Matt fucking Hancock.
They're all in it together, you can see the lines.
This isn't conspiracy theory,
we're dealing with the retarded illuminati here.
They're not even hiding it from us.
And I'm against conspiracy theories.
This isn't a conspiracy theory.
I think conspiracy theories are bullshit.
Like have you seen the flat earthers?
Have you seen these nutty bastards?
Ohhh, going for a wiz or leaving?
No I'm coming back.
Beautiful we'll take the first one then.
Flat earthers, they get to go on TV now
and spout their bollocks.
If you don't know what a flat earther is,
they think the earth's flat, it's in the name.
But they're there and they get to go on TV,
I just wish once they went onto a TV program
where there was a massive telescope pointed left.
And say, "Can you look through there please?"
"Can you see New York?"
"No, no."
It's not flat then is it?
Solved.
Simple, easy.
Matt Hancock was our Culture Secretary.
So he moved over to health so now we need
a new Culture Secretary.
Step forward Jeremy Wright.
Now Jeremy Wright plays the trumpet.
That's all I've got on him.
Jeremy Wright looks like he says, not all men.
You know, he looks like one of them.
And the thing is, when a man says, not all men,
well not all men, you're right.
But at the same time almost certainly you.
Almost fucking certainly.
Now he, Jeremy Wright
is in charge of culture, digital and technology.
He had a Twitter account in 2015, tweeted twice.
Now he's in charge of social media.
I'm starting to worry that the government
are just picking the worst possible fucking people
for every job.
We found out the other day that the Northern Irish Secretary
knew fuck all about Northern Irish politics.
Gone all, this is delightful.
I wouldn't be surprised to find out
that our Children's Minister wasn't Gary Glitter.
But then at least Gary Glitter knows something
about fucking children.
So being in charge of social media,
we know how important this is.
I'm a millennial so I know just how important
all of this social media stuff is.
Also being a millennial does mean I'm the worse thing
that every happened, if you listen to any fucking article.
Cause of our need to buy sandwiches, this is it.
If we didn't have a need for sustenance
we could afford these houses I've heard so much about.
But there's always two articles about millennials,
always two.
The first one is written by the millennials
and tends to have the headline of
"I'm 25, I purchased my own house find out how here"
and it's the same fucking thing.
They're going well yeah, I was saving around
five pounds a month, I did that for a year.
And then papa gave me half a million pounds.
I don't know how I managed to do it, I really don't.
It was quite impressive, quite impressive.
And then you've got the other side
which tends to be written from people
like my dad's generation, you know.
And it tends to be, the problem with your generation,
the problem with millennials, they spend all their time
on their smartphones, don't they.
We didn't have that when we were growing up.
We didn't have smartphones.
And they're going along with their smartphones
now that's the problem.
We didn't have that when we were growing up. Like, no!
You had a house dickhead, I'll swap.
Take me phone, give me a roof, right.
Somewhere where I'm not sharing with seven other people
in one fucking bathroom. Wouldn't that be delightful.
It's my pasta Derreck.
I was in a conversation as I'm known to.
And it was with an older gentleman
who started it with, the problem with your generation.
So I knew it was gonna be a cracker.
You've got no common sense.
Problem with your generation, you've got no common sense.
My generation, ah, we're a wash with it.
All we are is common sense.
Your generation, you have no common sense.
Cause my generation we all went to the university of life.
Which is yet more free education these bastards got.
Unlike a lot of comedians, I didn't go to university.
I didn't even do A-Levels.
I went to the primary school of life.
Very different upbringing, you know.
But we had some of the same types of books that you had
but slightly different.
So I want to read a book to you now that I was brought up on
So I'm going to read you a book
from the primary school of life.
Some of you are aware of this book,
I understand you have a version yourselves.
Mine is slightly different.
I wanna see if you can see the differences.
I'm literally reading a fucking children's book to you now.
In the light of the moon, the little egg lay on a leaf.
One Sunday morning, the warm sun came up
and pop, out of the egg came a tiny
and very hungry caterpillar.
He started to look for a job,
but because he was born a caterpillar
he was unable to find work.
So he's put onto universal credit
after a long and arduous interview process
where he had to bring in a note from his lepidopterist
to prove he was indeed a caterpillar.
The very hungry caterpillar had to wait six weeks
before getting any money from universal credit
so he's forced to go to the forest food banks
that had sprung up to help the poor insects.
On Monday, he ate through one apple but he was still hungry.
On Tuesday, he ate through two pears,
but he was still hungry.
On Wednesday, he ate through three plums
but he was still hungry.
On Thursday, he ate through four strawberries
as the food bank was running out of food,
but he was still hungry.
On Friday, he ate through five oranges,
which is the closest he got to his five a day,
but he was still hungry.
On Saturday, he ate through one piece of chocolate cake,
one ice cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese,
one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie,
one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon.
Which was a fucking mental meal.
That night he had a stomach ache.
The next day was Sunday again, the caterpillar,
now with no food left ate through one green leaf.
And then the depression took hold.
Now he wasn't hungry anymore,
he wasn't a little caterpillar anymore.
He was just a number in a failing system.
And see there, the caterpillar's crying.
Sad caterpillar.
He built a small looped knot called a noose around himself.
Knowing that he wouldn't be found for more than two weeks.
Then he put his head in the hole of the noose
and pushed the chair away.
As he swung away the last moments of his life,
the world gave it's final fuck you,
and he turned into a beautiful butterfly,
and received the letter from
the Department for Work and Pensions
informing him he was fit to work.
See there the captain has hung himself there.
The butterfly's hung himself at that point.
See there's a little chair he used now on it's side.
Saw me in it, you know.
What I like about that, just how subtle it is, you know.
Oh, what could the author be meaning?
How many people here are on Twitter?
How many people are fucking lying to me right now?
I'm on Twitter, I love Twitter.
Absolutely love Twitter.
My main problem with social media
is the, it's all the stuff that goes viral, you know.
Cause we seem to be searching for stuff to fill the void
that we have in ourselves, that for some reason
we don't just drink away anymore, you know.
Back in the good old days we would just
drink away the sadness.
Now we're trying to find a cat
that plays the fucking violin.
Did we see yanny versus laurel?
Did you see this?
If you don't know what it is,
it's a sound clip that people listen to
and some people heard yanny and some people heard laurel.
And this went around the fucking world.
Everyone's all, what did you hear?
I heard yanny, oh I heard laurel.
When I listed to that, I heard
that we've got far too much time on our hands, you know.
I'm just worried that this is what we're doing with our time
We've got people dying all over the world
and this is what we're doing.
Although I think that these victims
need to start taking some fucking responsibility, you know.
If they actually saw how the world was,
then they could work to do something
that we actually gave a fuck about, you know.
Cause, like Chechnya as an example.
Chechnya, gay people are being killed
and oppressed there daily, absolutely daily.
Do we give a fuck, do we, bollocks.
But if they decided to wear a dress
that we weren't sure the color of,
ahhh, then we'd care wouldn't we?
Be on the news, you'd be like,
Ah, 40 dead over in Chechnya,
we ask, what color is their dress?
Is it white and gold, is it black and blue?
Don't know about you's all, it looks bloodshot to me.
Here's where we are.
We are now, social media has allowed stupid people
to get fucking far and dangerous people.
That's it, but people like Jordan Peterson.
If you do not know who Jordan Peterson is,
well done to you, congratulations.
I'm about to ruin that for you.
He's a Canadian therapist
that got famous off of a lie.
And now is a self help guru doing the same old shit,
the same old self help
that's been around for years, you know.
One of the things he says is, clean your room.
Thanks mom, fuck is this.
But he's a good orator, so it makes it sound different.
I wish there was once a proper self help book,
or an honest one, one that said
maybe you're a dickhead, maybe that's the problem.
Maybe if you weren't such a self serving, sanctimonious,
shit stained cunt, you'd be happier.
Why don't you work on that.
Jordan Peterson, the other day, came out and he said,
the reason that women wear blusher
is to make their cheeks look like fruit
cause men evolved from fruit eating monkeys.
Now he said this out loud,
in front of people.
Just thinking, well why aren't men walking around
with their faces painted green to look like kiwi fruit
cause I assume women evolved from the same fucking species.
But we know what he's saying is true, we know it to be true.
Because we know for a fact that the reason
that women wear high heels
is to make their legs look like cocktail sausages
cause men love a buffet.
We know this to be true.
He's backed, Jordan Peterson, he's backed by incels,
incels love him.
An incel stands for involuntary celibate.
Now these are young white men who can't get laid.
And oh, they are angry, angry about it.
Ah, fuming that no one's touching it.
They can't understand it.
They're all, I was spending all day on the internet
calling women bitches and yet still
no one's touching me cock, I don't get it.
My worry with people like incels
is that fact that what I do not want to happen
is this world becoming scared of virgins.
I don't think that should be the case
cause virgins aren't dangerous, you know.
We shouldn't be scared of virgins.
If virgins were dangerous then Comic-Con
would be the most dangerous place in the world, you know.
And it's not.
Without social media,
Trump would never have become President, ever.
Never would have done it.
It's because of Twitter and the lies that are put on.
And like Trump, Trump's caging children.
This is where we are, he's caging children.
And people are defending him.
There saying, well I think you'll find
they're not technically cages.
They're not technically cages.
Is that the hill you want to die on, the technicality?
I think you'll find they're not technically cages.
They're actually containers allowing group enthrallment
of sucklings, or cages for short.
Nod if you saw this, all the kids who have been caged,
had bar codes around their wrists.
All of them got bar codes around their wrists.
I can't be the first one to think finally,
now we know the price of a refugee child, you know.
No longer do we have to spend all of that time bartering.
No true, has anyone ever bartered over children before?
Take it from me, it's a pain, you know.
We've all haggled before haven't we.
You know that when you're haggling
everyone's trying to fuck everyone else over
and imagine that but with children, that same thing.
So you're there, if you're trying to sell a child,
people try to undercut ya.
Going how much, that's ridiculous.
This is high quality child I've got here.
Do you know how much a 10 year old Guatemalan can clean?
The other side ain't any better.
If you're trying to buy a child,
going to the lot where the children are kept.
Going, how much for that one, how much for her?
That's ridiculous mate, that is far too,
you know the moment I take her off the lot
she depreciates 20%.
Not to mention value halving once she starts
to develop and bleed.
No one wants to pay the extras.
We've all seen the taxes on female hygiene products.
It's disgusting isn't it, absolutely disgusting.
Am I right women, feminism, who knew.
Who knew that was a feminist bit, aye.
I fucking didn't.
Donald Trump said that we couldn't do anything about
the caging of the children.
And then he realized who the fuck he was.
Oh, well actually, you know I can, yeah.
So what he did, was instead of caging children on their own,
he caged them with their parents.
Which, win?
Now they're in the same sized cages
so you've just got more people in the cages, you know,
looking a lot like the boiler stripe pajamas
if it was sponsored by Nike.
But in this country, when we heard about this,
we were fucking fuming, we were fuming.
He's doing what, that is disgusting.
That would never happen in this country.
Wouldn't take children away from their parents.
Not in this country.
We're not perfect but we're not that bad.
Apart from the 15,000 plus children
that are currently without at least one of their parents
cause of our immigration laws.
And not to mention that we daily, daily,
take children away from their parents.
Refugee children, everything.
Cause we are just as bad with putting them
in unsafe environments.
But we don't hear about it because in our Commons,
in the House of Commons, how we talk about it,
we start of saying refugee.
And then by the end of the sentence we're saying migrant.
Refugee, migrant, refugee, migrant, refugee, migrant.
To keep everyone confused so we don't know
what we're talking about.
And then we always end of terrorism.
Cause let's keep everyone scared.
We see refugees in the same way that we used to see witches.
If you drown, you my friend are not a terrorist.
If you happen to make it to this country,
then you my friend are a terrorist.
And while all that's going on, in our media,
online, on our TV's, our politicians, down the street,
we hear the same thing.
Will no one think of the children.
That everyday, every decision that we make
is for the children, that's what we hear.
Brexit is for the kids.
Austerity is for the kids.
Privatizing education is for the kids.
We're there screaming, will no one think of the children.
While we are metaphorically balls deep
in the bleeding orifice of a child.
Gently stroking their hair saying,
we're doing this for you, it's all for you.
Everything that we do is for you.
Do not cry, it's all for you.
At least pedophiles fuck children
cause they find them attractive, you know.
What the fuck is our excuse?
I know people are looking at me now with faces like thunder.
You have to understand we're just as bad to blame
as everyone else.
And when I say that we are metaphorically
balls deep in children, saying,
will we not think of you, aren't we great people.
That's us, that's all of us, every single one of us.
Coming towards the end of this.
We saw Jeremy Wright,
now he was the Attorney General.
He's moved over, so now a new Attorney General
is Geoffrey Cox.
Now Geoffrey Cox is a lawyer, a win.
Someone who knows what they're talking about.
He's also voted against Legal Aid.
And voted for tax haven, cause we cannot have nice things.
We can't.
But he's still the best.
Out of everyone I've mentioned tonight,
he is still the best.
Cause we're at a point
where we're picking our favorite cancer.
That's where we are.
Theresa May was asked why everyone was white men
that she picked.
And she said it was because she wanted
the best possible people.
Which hurts when she says it doesn't it, you know.
A woman known for two main things,
hostile environment and Windrush,
which was a particularly bad day in the office, you know
We've all had them know haven't' we, you know.
Accidentally reply all to an email.
May accidentally break a printer.
May accidentally deport British people to Jamaica
for some fucking reason.
Whilst given them a leaflet telling them
to put on a Jamaican accent.
I assume that was written by fucking Benny Hill, you know.
When Amber Rudd was our Home Secretary
she sent an email to Theresa May saying
that she wanted to make our immigration laws tougher.
Have more teeth.
Which is the only way to possibly make
our immigration laws harsher, you know.
If we actually started to bite immigrants.
She of course was replaced by Sajid Javid.
Who's first job was to attempt to deport himself.
Said that we're gonna start stockpiling organs
just in case of a no deal, which is a sentence
that you hear with only the most successful
of all the countries.
I think they've missed the trick though.
I don't think we should start stockpiling organs.
I think we should find a way of making everyone happy.
The left and the right.
And you do that by allowing free movement.
Cause only then are we keeping our organs fresh.
The left are happy because of free movement
and the right are happy cause their killing foreigners.
Everyone's a winner, you know.
Also said that we're gonna start stockpiling food
which is just great cause we're gonna get the army
to start delivering it.
Which is, I've always wanted to cosplay
as a starving fucking African.
It's gonna be so much fun.
My jog at first at a fucking rice van.
I'm gonna thank you for coming down.
Some of you have enjoyed this,
other's haven't.
The fact you stayed for an hour if you didn't enjoy it
very much says a lot on you.
Doesn't affect me in the slightest.
Um, I've been thinking of trying to find the way
to end the final show of my cunting trilogy.
I haven't thought of one.
The original idea was going to be me
talking to my younger self.
Cause I'm 30 now so I was gonna talk to my 15 year old self.
And he was gonna ask me questions about the future
and he was going to end by me telling him
to kill himself.
Cause that's the only way that I can see hope.
But I didn't have the time to write that
cause of David Davis and all of that stuff
we've just gone through.
So I'll say this, in the final one,
I've spent years now looking at the worst that we are,
so I do not necessarily have the greatest of
respect for humanity.
If it was up to me, I'd kill everyone.
I'm very much a genocidal liberal, you know.
There are good things, there are good people.
But everyone is a cunt.
Once you realize that then you can actually start
being better, more honest.
Until such time, you're gonna walk around
with fucking sticks up your asses
going aren't we delightful, while the world
is burning around you.
And then when everyone does die,
there isn't a heaven, there isn't a hell, you're just food.