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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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Now...
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my best friend's wife
is a born again Christian,
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and we do not get along at all.
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The other day, she called me up
to yell at me,
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saying I'm a terrible influence
on her husband
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because he called her a bad name.
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I said, "What?
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Did he call you a bitch?"
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She said, "No, Anthony.
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He did not use the B word."
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I said, "Uh-oh."
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"Did he call you a cunt?"
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She said, "No." I said,
"Well, then he didn't hear it from me."
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Yeah, that's pretty much
the greatest opening joke of all time.
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Because even if
you've never heard of me before,
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which I doubt...
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you listen to that first joke,
you're like, "Oh I get it.
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He's fucking brilliant."
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My sister just had a baby.
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My sister had a baby
to try to save the relationship.
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But I still don't talk to her.
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Guys, this is gonna take forever.
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-Um...
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Life can be funny sometimes, all right?
Like, I can't get into details right now.
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But earlier this week,
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I received the single greatest phone call
of my life.
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And then just five minutes later,
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I got another call
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telling me that my dad is in the hospital.
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I said, "Yeah, I just heard."
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I mean, look, I don't want to give
you guys the wrong impression, you know.
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I didn't hate my father.
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My father wasn't a bad guy.
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For instance, I never once,
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not once, not ever, ever
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saw my dad hit my mother.
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I mean, he was quick and you can't...
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you can't teach speed.
That comes from here.
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00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,998
I remember when I was 13,
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my mom got diagnosed with Parkinson's
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and my dad just gave up immediately.
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Said, "I can't deal with this,
I can't live like this,"
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and packed up his car.
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So, as a 13-year-old boy,
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I had to be the one to roll up my sleeves
and say, "Okay.
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Guess I'm going with Dad.
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Sounds like Mom needs some alone time."
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I think, like a lot of guys....
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I'll never forget
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the one time I saw my dad's penis.
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I said, "Dad,
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don't text me shit like that."
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When I was a kid,
my family used to move around a lot.
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But now they're all fat as fuck.
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To give you an idea...
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To give you all an idea
of how crazy my family is,
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I'm not even the biggest asshole
in my own family.
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I have this cousin.
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Everybody hated this cousin,
my own family hated this cousin.
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And then a couple of years ago,
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my cousin fell off of a horse
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and broke his neck.
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We all refer to that
as "the Superman incident."
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Because that horse is a hero.
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00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:51,994
When I was in high school,
my high school employed a blind janitor.
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One hundred percent totally blind.
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And all the other kids would joke around
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that he went blind
from masturbating too much.
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And at the time, I believed that.
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I was just a kid,
I didn't know any better.
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It wasn't until I got older, wiser,
I realized that's just an old wives' tale
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they used to use to...
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try to explain why
he was always masturbating.
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00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:42,545
One of my good friends is a narcoleptic.
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A narcoleptic. It's the craziest shit.
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One minute, we're having a conversation,
like, everything is completely normal.
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And then the next thing I know,
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I'm having sex.
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-It's...
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Did everybody get that one?
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If you didn't get that last joke,
don't worry.
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This next joke is just like it.
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Only dumb.
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One of my old friends from high school
now works as a doctor
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in the emergency room.
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He once told me that 25% of his job
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is pulling strange objects
out of people's asses.
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We don't talk much anymore.
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But I see him all the time.
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If you didn't get either joke,
how did you figure out Netflix?
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I live in Los Angeles.
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Like you fucking wish you could.
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Yeah!
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I like my place.
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I'm not that crazy about my neighbors.
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Like, I live on the same street
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as three different families
of Jehovah's Witnesses.
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00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:57,013
And no matter how many times
I tell them, "No, absolutely not,"
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they still come by twice a week
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and say, "Anthony,
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please stop throwing rocks at our houses."
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00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:17,408
"Don't push your religion on me."
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And they're not even the worst
of my neighbors.
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One of my next-door neighbors
is a 90-year-old man
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suffering from Alzheimer's.
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And every single morning at 9 a.m.
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he knocks on my door, and he asks me
if I have seen his wife.
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Which means...
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that every single morning at 9 a.m.
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I have to explain to a 90-year-old man
suffering from Alzheimer's
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that his wife has been dead
for quite some time.
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Now, I have thought about moving.
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I have thought about just not answering
my door in the morning,
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but to be honest,
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it's worth it
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just to see the smile on his face.
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Yeah, for some reason,
that joke's a crowd-pleaser.
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00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:42,201
My grandmother is suffering
from dementia right now.
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She forgets who she is,
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wanders out of the house
and gets lost for hours.
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It's a problem.
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So what I did...
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is I tied a bell around her neck.
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Sounds inhumane, sure.
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But problem solved.
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I mean, that thing is...
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really heavy.
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If you're not laughing right now...
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...the problem is your imagination.
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Don't get mad at me 'cause you don't know
how big bells can get.
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I remember, like, a couple weeks
after my grandfather died,
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my father discovered a giant trove
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00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:47,600
of vintage pornography.
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00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:50,728
Frankly, an embarrassing amount
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of vintage pornography.
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So I blamed it on Grandpa.
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My grandfather died a couple of years ago.
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But he died like a king.
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No one was even mad.
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My grandfather died in what has to be
the best way possible.
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My grandfather died in a hammock,
on a beach in Hawaii
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during a sunset.
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That's how I want to go out.
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Strangled to death.
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It just seems like fun.
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00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:42,112
You know, sometimes...
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Sometimes I wonder
if I could kill someone.
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Like, do I have it in me
to take a human life?
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00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,414
And then I remember...
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Oh, yeah, Debbie.
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How do you...
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How do you forget Debbie?
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She was special.
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Speaking of special,
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00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:23,070
went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago,
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found that I'm special.
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Went to the doctor, took a blood test.
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My results came back.
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00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,581
Doctor told me my blood type
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is O-negative.
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You know what that means?
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Means I'm the fucking best.
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Means I'm a universal donor.
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Means I can give my blood
to anyone else in the world
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who also has AIDS.
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Uh-huh.
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I am not afraid to say this,
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I hate pretty much
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every single religion in the world.
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-Let me repeat that.
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I hate pretty much
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every single religion in the world.
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Did you know there's a religion
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called Christian Science,
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where they believe
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that even if their own children
are sick and dying
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and all they need to save their lives
is a little bit of medicine,
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00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:50,491
their beliefs won't let them
give their own children that medicine.
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That's the only good religion.
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I was like, "Get me a cup
that I can put toothbrushes in."
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All right, guys, listen,
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jokes are all well and good.
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00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:29,363
I'd like to take a couple of minutes
right now and talk about something
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that is important to me.
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And I will preface this by saying
there's a lot of people right now
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who say that stand-up comedians
should just stick to comedy,
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and not talk about anything else.
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I disagree.
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I think that stand-up comedy
doesn't always have to be funny.
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Stand-up comedy doesn't
always have to be entertaining.
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Sometimes, it's about
speaking truth to power.
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Sometimes,
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it's about pointing out wrongs
in the world,
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even though it might not be popular.
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So please,
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indulge me.
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With all the terrible things
going on in America right now,
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and you know exactly what
I'm fucking talking about...
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With all the terrible things going on
in this country right now,
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00:17:15,784 --> 00:17:17,995
the thing that drives me the most crazy
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are the people who see
all this awful stuff happening,
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and they still flip out
over the little things.
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My biggest pet peeve in America today
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00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,549
are people will see
all this horrible stuff going on
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00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:35,679
and yet they still overreact
to shit that just does not matter.
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For example...
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have you ever dropped a baby?
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Holy shit, do people overreact!
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You drop a baby in America today,
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00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:11,256
I swear people hit the roof
before the baby even touches the floor.
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00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,971
And it's not a big deal.
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00:18:19,723 --> 00:18:20,682
How do I know?
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00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:25,145
Because I do it all the time.
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00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:29,691
In fact,
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00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:32,319
I don't think I've ever held a baby...
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to completion.
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00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,959
And you might be thinking, "Anthony,
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00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:49,128
how could you drop a baby?"
221
00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:52,047
You ever held a baby?
222
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:55,926
How could you not?
223
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:02,724
It's so easy.
224
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,146
It's a two-step process.
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Maybe less.
226
00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:13,485
Should you ask, "Anthony,
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00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:16,488
why would anyone
ever let you hold their baby?"
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00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:18,782
The answer is simple.
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00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,243
Negligence.
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00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:24,371
I love it.
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00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:25,873
It's a hobby.
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00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:28,750
The only negative,
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00:19:29,042 --> 00:19:31,670
the only drawback,
as far as I'm concerned:
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00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:33,297
the embarrassment.
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00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:37,676
People try to shame you
when you drop their baby...
236
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,724
...even though I almost always
make it look like an accident.
237
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,567
That's why this is so great.
You ever do this?
238
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,944
You ever drop a baby...
239
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:01,992
and then scoop it right back up
before anybody sees you?
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00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:09,291
No shit,
241
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:12,544
-best feeling in the world.
242
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:18,717
You just hand the baby back
and no one is the wiser.
243
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:21,678
Especially...
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00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:23,472
not that baby.
245
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,731
Happened to me just last weekend.
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00:20:34,441 --> 00:20:35,651
I was at a party.
247
00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:39,738
One of my friends come up and said,
"Anthony, I got to go to the bathroom.
248
00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:41,990
Will you hold my baby?"
249
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:45,202
And I tell the truth.
250
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:47,496
I'm always a hundred percent honest.
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00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,206
I say, "Yeah...
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00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:51,708
for a little bit."
253
00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:04,221
Held that baby 30, 45 seconds,
a personal best.
254
00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:08,684
Dropped the baby.
255
00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:13,647
Scooped it right back up
before anybody saw me.
256
00:21:14,856 --> 00:21:16,400
And it was close too.
257
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:21,154
Had to run down three flights of stairs.
258
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:43,844
I'll be honest, I don't really understand
259
00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:46,221
how the legal system works
in this country.
260
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:48,932
I think it's unfair,
261
00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:51,184
needlessly confusing.
262
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:53,186
I'll give you an example.
263
00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:58,984
One of my next-door neighbor's kids
is climbing a tree on their property.
264
00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:01,570
Falls out of the tree
265
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,406
and lands on my fence.
266
00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:08,827
Now I'm being told
I've got to get myself a lawyer...
267
00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:12,372
if I want to keep my half of the kid.
268
00:22:27,554 --> 00:22:28,638
How is that fair?
269
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,061
And who's going to reimburse my taxidermy?
270
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:48,450
I have a two-year-old nephew.
271
00:22:49,826 --> 00:22:50,786
Two years old,
272
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:56,083
already been to the hospital 27 times
273
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:59,002
for eating pennies off the floor.
274
00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:02,506
What the fuck?
275
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:08,095
Honestly...
276
00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:11,598
it's like I can't drop enough pennies.
277
00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:24,861
I'm gonna blow your minds right now.
278
00:23:26,196 --> 00:23:29,032
I'm gonna blow your minds
out the back of your heads. You ready?
279
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:32,869
I don't like kids.
280
00:23:38,125 --> 00:23:39,584
There's this nine-year-old girl.
281
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,587
Tiny little nine-year-old girl.
282
00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:46,800
Tiny little nine-year-old girl
lives in my neighborhood...
283
00:23:48,051 --> 00:23:49,219
with a glass eye.
284
00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:53,849
Scares the shit out of me.
285
00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:57,811
Terrifies me to my very core.
286
00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:00,480
Anytime she sees me,
287
00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:03,275
she just fucking chases me around.
288
00:24:06,069 --> 00:24:08,572
Until she gets her eye back.
It is the worst...
289
00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:22,210
Now, that's a fun joke for you guys,
I'll explain why.
290
00:24:24,254 --> 00:24:26,006
It's got incredible value.
291
00:24:27,048 --> 00:24:29,384
It's two laughs for the price of one.
292
00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:32,554
You get to laugh at what I said,
293
00:24:33,221 --> 00:24:34,681
which was hilarious.
294
00:24:36,224 --> 00:24:39,352
And then you get a second laugh
when you picture me...
295
00:24:40,687 --> 00:24:43,106
...stealing a child's glass eye.
296
00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:48,778
And most people when they picture it,
297
00:24:49,529 --> 00:24:52,157
they see me just running up
and snatching it out of her head
298
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:53,241
and running away.
299
00:24:54,951 --> 00:24:55,785
Wrong.
300
00:24:58,538 --> 00:25:01,374
You don't want to just snatch out
somebody's glass eye.
301
00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:03,126
You know why?
302
00:25:05,253 --> 00:25:07,005
Because if you guess wrong...
303
00:25:18,099 --> 00:25:20,936
You guess wrong, now it's not just
a funny prank anymore.
304
00:25:21,019 --> 00:25:22,521
Now you're in some trouble.
305
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:24,940
In fact,
306
00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,277
that's how she lost the eye
in the first place.
307
00:25:33,740 --> 00:25:34,741
What you want to do,
308
00:25:36,243 --> 00:25:37,869
if you're ever in this situation...
309
00:25:40,956 --> 00:25:43,166
...hit her on the back of the head,
not hard.
310
00:25:45,835 --> 00:25:47,837
It's a child, you don't want to hurt it.
311
00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:51,007
Just hard enough to...
312
00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:53,969
get that sweet glass eye.
313
00:26:02,143 --> 00:26:06,189
I find that the older that I get,
the more women get upset
314
00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:07,774
when you talk about kids.
315
00:26:08,233 --> 00:26:09,943
I don't mean joke about kids,
316
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:14,155
I mean they get upset when the subject
of children is brought up.
317
00:26:14,948 --> 00:26:19,452
Like, I have a friend who just found out
she can't have kids...
318
00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:22,872
according to Child Protective Services.
319
00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:32,757
Hey, did you guys know...
320
00:26:35,385 --> 00:26:39,889
Did you guys know
the average person eats nine spiders
321
00:26:40,473 --> 00:26:42,100
whenever I cook for them?
322
00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:59,618
I don't know if you guys know
what a false premise is, but...
323
00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:02,287
I have this cat.
324
00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:12,422
I think it must have been a stray cat
because anytime it gets outside,
325
00:27:12,839 --> 00:27:15,508
it immediately runs off, kills something,
326
00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:18,803
drags it back in,
and leaves it at my feet.
327
00:27:19,137 --> 00:27:22,599
I've had this thing for, like, a month
and I swear we have got...
328
00:27:23,475 --> 00:27:25,477
quite the competition going.
329
00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:38,198
I don't even like cats,
if I'm being honest.
330
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,076
More a dog guy, me.
331
00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:43,203
I used to have a Great Dane.
332
00:27:43,286 --> 00:27:44,954
You guys know what a Great Dane is?
333
00:27:45,622 --> 00:27:47,999
One of those big, tall, skinny dogs.
334
00:27:48,208 --> 00:27:51,211
Marmaduke was a Great Dane, Scooby-Doo.
335
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,005
They call them the "heartbreaker breed,"
336
00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:57,509
because they normally only live
up to eight years,
337
00:27:58,218 --> 00:28:01,304
but with the right diet,
exercise, attention...
338
00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:04,182
I got it down to four.
339
00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:09,187
It was great.
340
00:28:09,270 --> 00:28:11,272
It was the perfect college dog,
341
00:28:12,023 --> 00:28:12,982
it really was.
342
00:28:21,616 --> 00:28:24,869
Oh, you think I can't tell
one more animal joke? Well, fuck you.
343
00:28:28,748 --> 00:28:29,916
Listen to this...
344
00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:33,878
When I was a little kid,
345
00:28:34,421 --> 00:28:35,588
I had a pet turtle.
346
00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:40,051
Tiny little turtle,
kept him in an aquarium.
347
00:28:40,635 --> 00:28:42,554
Then one summer, I went away to camp.
348
00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,932
While I was gone at camp, the turtle died.
349
00:28:46,641 --> 00:28:48,768
When I got home, my dad lied to me.
350
00:28:49,644 --> 00:28:52,397
He said, "Anthony, your turtle is alive
and well.
351
00:28:52,856 --> 00:28:55,191
It just went to go live with your mother."
352
00:28:59,154 --> 00:29:00,447
And I believed that.
353
00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:05,201
Till a couple of days later,
I was digging around in the backyard...
354
00:29:06,828 --> 00:29:08,204
found my mom's body.
355
00:29:19,174 --> 00:29:21,676
Worst day of my life. I loved that turtle.
356
00:29:28,641 --> 00:29:32,604
Now, listen. Look, guys.
I know, I know, I am aware
357
00:29:33,229 --> 00:29:36,691
that I must seem like a tough,
cold son of a bitch up here.
358
00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:39,068
In fact,
359
00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:44,115
the only time I've ever cried in public
in my entire life
360
00:29:44,824 --> 00:29:46,659
was at my mom's funeral.
361
00:29:47,702 --> 00:29:50,747
I might be a tough, cold son of a bitch,
362
00:29:51,456 --> 00:29:53,583
but that doesn't mean I'm not also...
363
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:55,794
one hell of an actor.
364
00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,385
My mom was a depressed woman.
365
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:07,180
My mom was a very depressed woman.
366
00:30:08,056 --> 00:30:09,766
My mom was so depressed,
367
00:30:10,391 --> 00:30:16,815
she had the words "in case of an accident,
please do not resuscitate" tattooed...
368
00:30:18,191 --> 00:30:21,110
across all of her children.
369
00:30:33,456 --> 00:30:37,502
I'd say my mom's funeral was like ten,
eleven years ago now.
370
00:30:38,336 --> 00:30:39,420
Last year,
371
00:30:40,088 --> 00:30:41,589
I had her body dug up...
372
00:30:43,925 --> 00:30:46,344
to settle a legal dispute
with my siblings.
373
00:30:47,512 --> 00:30:48,805
Turns out I was wrong.
374
00:30:50,723 --> 00:30:51,766
That is illegal.
375
00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:53,810
-
-You can't just...
376
00:30:55,061 --> 00:30:57,313
You can't just do that. No.
377
00:31:04,153 --> 00:31:05,655
Now, at this point, I should admit
378
00:31:05,738 --> 00:31:08,867
my parents were actually
pretty reasonable people
379
00:31:08,992 --> 00:31:10,159
when they were raising me.
380
00:31:10,827 --> 00:31:13,496
Unless they found drugs in my bedroom.
381
00:31:13,580 --> 00:31:14,789
Oof...
382
00:31:15,790 --> 00:31:17,876
Then they were high for days.
383
00:31:22,547 --> 00:31:24,883
I think the strangest thing in my family,
384
00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:30,096
my family was just weird about sex,
you know. I was the oldest of five kids
385
00:31:30,179 --> 00:31:31,806
in a tiny little house.
386
00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:34,142
When my parents wanted alone time,
387
00:31:34,225 --> 00:31:38,062
they would gather us together, say,
"Kids, go play hide and seek,"
388
00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:40,857
and they'd lock their bedroom door
for an hour.
389
00:31:41,649 --> 00:31:44,652
Of course, I always knew
what was going on in there. I mean...
390
00:31:45,653 --> 00:31:47,113
I would hide in their room.
391
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:58,249
My parents were weird about sex,
you know.
392
00:31:58,333 --> 00:32:01,836
I think the most embarrassed
I've ever been in my entire life
393
00:32:02,670 --> 00:32:04,505
was the time my mom
and dad caught me
394
00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:07,967
watching hardcore bondage pornography...
395
00:32:09,594 --> 00:32:10,887
over their shoulder.
396
00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:24,400
And I'll never forget...
397
00:32:25,443 --> 00:32:28,154
I'll never forget
the first time I had sex.
398
00:32:28,821 --> 00:32:30,573
You know those stories you hear,
399
00:32:30,949 --> 00:32:35,370
about kids who lose their virginity
to the hot babysitter?
400
00:32:37,288 --> 00:32:38,706
I was the babysitter.
401
00:32:56,015 --> 00:32:58,184
Yeah, I could have opened with that
if I wanted to.
402
00:33:04,190 --> 00:33:06,150
I don't like racism.
403
00:33:08,152 --> 00:33:08,987
Thank you.
404
00:33:15,618 --> 00:33:16,703
I don't get it.
405
00:33:17,829 --> 00:33:19,080
Why would you hate?
406
00:33:19,872 --> 00:33:21,708
Why would you choose to hate?
407
00:33:22,542 --> 00:33:26,379
Why would you choose to hate
an entire group of people,
408
00:33:27,296 --> 00:33:31,009
just because of the way they all behave?
409
00:33:46,232 --> 00:33:47,650
I don't know about y'all.
410
00:33:48,693 --> 00:33:50,862
Seems pretty narrow-minded to me.
411
00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:57,785
Now, racism, of course, is...
412
00:33:58,578 --> 00:34:01,330
starting to become a problem
in this country.
413
00:34:09,964 --> 00:34:11,758
I was doing some research.
414
00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:16,846
Found out one of my family members
used to own slaves.
415
00:34:17,805 --> 00:34:19,140
I couldn't believe it.
416
00:34:20,224 --> 00:34:21,434
My own brother.
417
00:34:33,821 --> 00:34:35,740
I did even more research.
418
00:34:36,240 --> 00:34:38,868
Went even deeper into this bit,
found this out.
419
00:34:41,454 --> 00:34:42,580
This is a fact.
420
00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:48,795
Do you guys know there are actually
more slaves in the world today
421
00:34:49,545 --> 00:34:51,172
than at any other point in time?
422
00:34:52,090 --> 00:34:55,384
A higher number of slaves
in the world right now
423
00:34:56,052 --> 00:34:58,346
than any other period in history.
424
00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:01,390
You think your job is bad?
425
00:35:02,892 --> 00:35:04,018
Imagine...
426
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:06,270
counting slaves.
427
00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:11,692
If you're not laughing at this one,
I don't know what the fuck to tell you.
428
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:19,700
I'm not trying that joke out,
I am showing off.
429
00:35:26,916 --> 00:35:31,879
Now, I, of course, do not consider myself
to be a racist person,
430
00:35:32,505 --> 00:35:33,506
but I get mad
431
00:35:34,257 --> 00:35:37,135
when people tell me
that I can't understand racism.
432
00:35:38,094 --> 00:35:40,847
I understand racism just fine.
433
00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:44,684
I once got beaten up
by a pack of skinheads.
434
00:35:45,643 --> 00:35:46,853
Beat the shit out of me.
435
00:35:47,478 --> 00:35:49,272
I was in the hospital for a week,
436
00:35:50,022 --> 00:35:50,857
and it was a...
437
00:35:51,274 --> 00:35:53,192
a brutal initiation.
438
00:36:07,665 --> 00:36:08,708
Now,
439
00:36:09,125 --> 00:36:10,626
we like to have fun.
440
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:15,923
But in all seriousness,
you do have to be very careful
441
00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:19,093
telling ironically racist jokes
442
00:36:19,927 --> 00:36:21,679
once you get to my level.
443
00:36:23,055 --> 00:36:26,058
When you're a bad comedian,
you can say whatever you want.
444
00:36:26,142 --> 00:36:27,685
I mean, that's true freedom.
445
00:36:28,060 --> 00:36:30,354
You've seen those losers, they can fly.
446
00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:37,236
Once you get to my level,
447
00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:40,281
now you've got a responsibility, you know?
448
00:36:41,073 --> 00:36:44,744
Like, I once told
an ironically racist joke on television.
449
00:36:45,494 --> 00:36:49,540
The next day, I got a fan letter
from a white supremacist
450
00:36:49,624 --> 00:36:51,417
in Jacksonville, Florida.
451
00:36:52,585 --> 00:36:53,669
Bone-chilling.
452
00:36:54,420 --> 00:36:55,880
He just started praising me.
453
00:36:56,756 --> 00:36:58,382
"Thank you so much, Anthony.
454
00:36:58,966 --> 00:37:02,011
Thank you for not denigrating
the great white race.
455
00:37:02,762 --> 00:37:05,348
Thank you for making fun
of all the other races
456
00:37:05,431 --> 00:37:06,891
the way that it should be.
457
00:37:07,767 --> 00:37:11,604
And can I pay you $100,000,
458
00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:15,775
come down to Jacksonville, Florida,
do a private show just for me
459
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:18,527
and my white supremacist buddies."
460
00:37:19,487 --> 00:37:21,447
I wrote him back right away.
461
00:37:23,950 --> 00:37:25,660
And I said, "Absolutely not.
462
00:37:26,452 --> 00:37:29,664
You are against every single thing
that I stand for,
463
00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:31,749
you cheap piece of shit."
464
00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:45,388
Look, I mean, I consider myself
to be a modern man.
465
00:37:46,347 --> 00:37:49,350
I try to be tolerant
of all different races,
466
00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:51,394
cultures, religions.
467
00:37:53,938 --> 00:37:56,983
Not so much religions,
but the other two for sure.
468
00:37:59,318 --> 00:38:01,070
But I'm not always at my best.
469
00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:03,447
Sometimes I make mistakes.
470
00:38:04,615 --> 00:38:05,491
For example,
471
00:38:07,076 --> 00:38:08,327
every single day...
472
00:38:11,247 --> 00:38:16,627
Every single day in Los Angeles,
my Latino neighbor tries to talk to me.
473
00:38:17,753 --> 00:38:19,171
I don't understand shit.
474
00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:23,092
Nine times out of ten, I am polite.
475
00:38:23,509 --> 00:38:25,469
I smile and I nod,
476
00:38:26,262 --> 00:38:27,305
but the other day,
477
00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:29,557
the other day, I was tired,
478
00:38:30,224 --> 00:38:31,350
I was hungover,
479
00:38:32,018 --> 00:38:33,311
I'd smoked some pot,
480
00:38:34,562 --> 00:38:36,439
I'd taken a handful of pills...
481
00:38:39,066 --> 00:38:40,526
...and I was not at my best.
482
00:38:42,069 --> 00:38:43,279
And I just snapped.
483
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:45,656
And I said, "Hey, asshole.
484
00:38:46,615 --> 00:38:48,075
This is America.
485
00:38:49,618 --> 00:38:51,537
I don't speak sign language."
486
00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:04,133
Now, that...
487
00:39:05,259 --> 00:39:06,344
that...
488
00:39:07,053 --> 00:39:08,596
is a fun joke from me.
489
00:39:10,264 --> 00:39:12,475
You think
I'm about to make fun of Latinos,
490
00:39:12,641 --> 00:39:14,352
I take a hard left.
491
00:39:16,228 --> 00:39:18,606
Smack the shit out of the deaf...
492
00:39:26,322 --> 00:39:28,366
...for almost no reason.
493
00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:36,916
Guys, things like that just make me happy.
494
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:39,835
There's not a lot in life
495
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:42,254
that always makes me happy.
496
00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:45,299
One thing,
497
00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:48,302
one thing that always makes me happy.
498
00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:51,222
I love it when I see this.
499
00:39:51,305 --> 00:39:53,557
I love it when old married couples...
500
00:39:54,392 --> 00:39:57,645
I love it when old married couples die
501
00:39:58,437 --> 00:39:59,980
really close together.
502
00:40:02,983 --> 00:40:03,818
I love that.
503
00:40:06,153 --> 00:40:09,407
I will clip that out of the newspaper
every time I see it.
504
00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:13,786
To me, there is just nothing more romantic
505
00:40:14,537 --> 00:40:17,581
than a good old-fashioned murder-suicide.
506
00:40:20,459 --> 00:40:21,293
True.
507
00:40:25,256 --> 00:40:26,424
In fact...
508
00:40:29,051 --> 00:40:31,137
now that I'm saying this out loud,
509
00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:35,057
it's probably more accurate
510
00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:38,102
just to say that I love murder-suicide.
511
00:40:42,356 --> 00:40:43,357
Because I do.
512
00:40:45,067 --> 00:40:49,238
I mean, don't get me wrong, guys,
I like all of the suicides.
513
00:40:55,786 --> 00:40:57,872
But murder-suicide's my favorite.
514
00:41:00,749 --> 00:41:02,376
I have friends who worry about me.
515
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:06,130
They'll say, "Anthony,
why are you so into suicide?
516
00:41:06,213 --> 00:41:07,506
You have everything."
517
00:41:08,007 --> 00:41:08,924
Yeah.
518
00:41:09,633 --> 00:41:12,470
Everything but
a successful suicide attempt.
519
00:41:16,474 --> 00:41:19,643
I think I got really into suicide
just after college,
520
00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:23,772
when I worked at a suicide hotline.
521
00:41:28,652 --> 00:41:30,029
Just for a couple of days.
522
00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:36,994
Day and a half, really,
they got rid of me pretty quick.
523
00:41:39,955 --> 00:41:42,541
They said,
"Anthony, we've got to let you go.
524
00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:45,753
Half the people you talk to...
525
00:41:47,421 --> 00:41:49,298
...end up committing suicide."
526
00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:52,510
I said, "Guys, that's hardly fair.
527
00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,180
Most of those were wrong numbers."
528
00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,516
-My point...
529
00:42:05,648 --> 00:42:07,983
My point here is this:
530
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,903
that you should all trust me.
531
00:42:12,446 --> 00:42:16,408
You should all believe me
when I tell you that I know my suicide
532
00:42:16,951 --> 00:42:19,453
and murder-suicide number one forever.
533
00:42:21,539 --> 00:42:22,790
'Cause what else you got?
534
00:42:23,832 --> 00:42:28,087
Doctor-assisted suicide?
Get that weak shit out of here.
535
00:42:30,589 --> 00:42:31,840
Fucking kidding me?
536
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:34,969
Teen suicide?
537
00:42:35,427 --> 00:42:37,304
Teen suicide? No.
538
00:42:38,055 --> 00:42:39,265
College is important.
539
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:40,683
I'm all about...
540
00:42:42,726 --> 00:42:45,604
I'm all about murder-suicide.
Murder-suicide's the best.
541
00:42:52,236 --> 00:42:54,613
You guys seem like you don't believe me.
542
00:42:56,615 --> 00:42:57,575
That's okay.
543
00:42:58,284 --> 00:42:59,243
I'm a pro.
544
00:43:00,286 --> 00:43:01,954
Watch me sell this.
545
00:43:04,456 --> 00:43:07,376
You hear your friend Jeff
just committed suicide.
546
00:43:07,835 --> 00:43:09,878
Your only thought is devastation.
547
00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:14,592
"Oh, my God, what could I have done
to save my friend Jeff?"
548
00:43:15,426 --> 00:43:19,054
You hear your friend Jeff
killed his wife and then himself.
549
00:43:19,471 --> 00:43:20,681
You just think,
550
00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:23,892
"Yikes, Jeff doesn't fuck around, huh?
551
00:43:31,775 --> 00:43:33,861
Holy shit, Jeff!
552
00:43:37,698 --> 00:43:39,700
I didn't know the big guy had it in him.
553
00:43:42,578 --> 00:43:45,331
Should have shown Jeff
more respect back in the day.
554
00:43:46,999 --> 00:43:48,167
Jeff was a boss.
555
00:43:48,250 --> 00:43:50,002
He wasn't cleaning that shit up."
556
00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:02,348
That...
557
00:44:03,641 --> 00:44:05,184
is just one reason...
558
00:44:07,227 --> 00:44:10,898
...why murder-suicide is so great.
Guys, listen to me.
559
00:44:12,441 --> 00:44:14,109
Murder-suicide...
560
00:44:14,652 --> 00:44:18,572
is practically a victimless crime.
561
00:44:22,618 --> 00:44:23,619
You are...
562
00:44:24,328 --> 00:44:26,872
You are allowed to kill your wife.
563
00:44:27,831 --> 00:44:30,084
You are allowed to kill your husband.
564
00:44:30,542 --> 00:44:35,089
You've got to be married,
otherwise you seem nuts, but...
565
00:44:38,133 --> 00:44:41,011
...you are allowed to murder your spouse,
566
00:44:41,845 --> 00:44:44,890
as long as you just kill yourself
immediately afterwards.
567
00:44:46,350 --> 00:44:47,768
Then there's nothing they can do.
568
00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:50,062
It's even-steven, you're above the law.
569
00:45:01,073 --> 00:45:03,283
What the fuck is wrong
with this crowd tonight?
570
00:45:07,246 --> 00:45:10,582
You trying to tell me there are
those among you who are still skeptical?
571
00:45:13,210 --> 00:45:16,505
You saying there are people here
right now who still don't believe me
572
00:45:16,588 --> 00:45:20,300
that murder-suicide
is the goddamn cat's pajamas?
573
00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:27,099
Okay.
574
00:45:29,226 --> 00:45:32,020
Then think about it like this.
575
00:45:34,231 --> 00:45:35,899
You're walking down the street.
576
00:45:36,608 --> 00:45:39,236
Somebody comes up
and punches you in the face.
577
00:45:39,319 --> 00:45:41,905
You are going to press charges no doubt.
578
00:45:42,823 --> 00:45:44,742
But if you're walking down the street,
579
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:48,036
somebody comes up,
punches you in the face,
580
00:45:48,829 --> 00:45:50,080
takes a step back,
581
00:45:51,039 --> 00:45:54,084
and then punches themself in the face...
582
00:46:08,724 --> 00:46:12,102
-"Have a good day, sir." Right?
583
00:46:15,355 --> 00:46:17,775
You wouldn't even tell your friends
about that.
584
00:46:22,613 --> 00:46:23,989
Murder-suicide...
585
00:46:30,913 --> 00:46:31,789
Shut up!
586
00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:44,218
Murder-suicide is a victimless crime
587
00:46:44,301 --> 00:46:47,012
as long as you don't leave behind
any kids.
588
00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:50,182
Got to kill them, too.
589
00:46:57,147 --> 00:46:59,525
That's right,
I was going there the whole time.
590
00:47:06,615 --> 00:47:07,574
Now,
591
00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:11,537
I am going to leave you all with this.
592
00:47:12,538 --> 00:47:15,749
And if you've been on the fence
about me tonight, one way or another,
593
00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:17,960
then please, guys, please...
594
00:47:19,253 --> 00:47:22,464
allow me to knock you clean the fuck off.
595
00:47:30,848 --> 00:47:32,140
A couple of months ago...
596
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:38,105
A couple of months ago, I took
a friend of mine to get an abortion.
597
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:42,568
Get on board right now
if you are going to.
598
00:47:45,153 --> 00:47:46,947
This is a very long,
599
00:47:47,030 --> 00:47:48,699
very true story.
600
00:47:51,743 --> 00:47:54,788
I took my friend to get an abortion.
Don't worry, guys,
601
00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:55,998
wasn't my baby,
602
00:47:56,623 --> 00:47:57,749
wasn't important.
603
00:48:05,340 --> 00:48:07,259
I don't know if you've ever done that.
604
00:48:07,843 --> 00:48:11,096
Ever helped someone to get an abortion.
It's a big favor.
605
00:48:11,847 --> 00:48:13,849
It's a big favor to do for somebody.
606
00:48:14,349 --> 00:48:16,018
Not an easy favor,
607
00:48:16,351 --> 00:48:18,186
not an easy favor at all.
608
00:48:19,062 --> 00:48:19,938
Don't get me wrong,
609
00:48:20,022 --> 00:48:23,191
I am as pro-choice as they come,
but still...
610
00:48:24,192 --> 00:48:27,905
the whole time I'm driving her,
I'm just thinking to myself, "God damn.
611
00:48:29,031 --> 00:48:31,033
There has got to be a better way to...
612
00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:33,493
come up with new material."
613
00:48:44,963 --> 00:48:46,173
And, yes,
614
00:48:46,548 --> 00:48:51,303
yes, I did just say I'm pro-choice.
That does not mean I am pro-abortion.
615
00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:53,180
You have other options.
616
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:57,726
If you don't want your baby,
you can still have your baby delivered.
617
00:48:58,393 --> 00:49:02,105
Leave it outside any fire station
in the country...
618
00:49:03,523 --> 00:49:05,192
...they will run it over for you.
619
00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:07,778
It's true.
620
00:49:10,113 --> 00:49:11,031
It's true.
621
00:49:13,325 --> 00:49:14,493
It's the law.
622
00:49:18,288 --> 00:49:21,667
Far as I'm concerned,
they've been heroes since before 9/11.
623
00:49:29,049 --> 00:49:31,051
Fun little New York joke for you guys.
624
00:49:35,430 --> 00:49:36,264
Now...
625
00:49:42,437 --> 00:49:44,648
Now people hear me tell this story
626
00:49:45,482 --> 00:49:48,276
and they always say the exact same thing,
627
00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:52,072
"Wow, Anthony, you're a good friend.
628
00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:57,494
You would help someone like that, Anthony.
You're a good friend."
629
00:49:58,120 --> 00:49:59,371
Fuck you. No, I'm not.
630
00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:02,290
I'm not a good friend.
631
00:50:03,417 --> 00:50:04,668
I'm a great friend.
632
00:50:06,086 --> 00:50:07,295
You know the difference?
633
00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:10,632
Great friends wake up
at six in the morning.
634
00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:13,802
Great friends drive to your house.
635
00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:16,263
Great friends pick you up
636
00:50:16,388 --> 00:50:18,765
and then take you to get your abortion.
637
00:50:20,142 --> 00:50:21,351
Good friends...
638
00:50:22,352 --> 00:50:24,771
Good friends just babysit.
639
00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:39,911
Now, I have given this a lot of thought,
640
00:50:40,620 --> 00:50:41,872
a lot of thought.
641
00:50:42,789 --> 00:50:45,667
And I still don't know
if it had been my baby,
642
00:50:46,334 --> 00:50:48,170
would I have argued to keep it?
643
00:50:49,296 --> 00:50:51,506
I think about that saying they always use,
you know,
644
00:50:51,590 --> 00:50:55,927
"What if your baby
turns out to be a great artist someday?"
645
00:50:57,429 --> 00:50:59,222
I don't need that competition.
646
00:51:06,938 --> 00:51:08,732
People ask me, "What was it like?
647
00:51:09,316 --> 00:51:12,319
What was it like to take your friend
to get her abortion?"
648
00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:14,446
It was boring.
649
00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:19,576
I don't know why I thought
it was gonna be fun and exciting...
650
00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:24,831
...but trust me,
651
00:51:25,499 --> 00:51:28,126
the only person more disappointed
than me that day
652
00:51:28,543 --> 00:51:30,670
was the baby, all right?
653
00:51:37,636 --> 00:51:39,054
It was so boring.
654
00:51:40,430 --> 00:51:44,226
It was just me by myself
for two and a half hours
655
00:51:44,309 --> 00:51:47,938
in an abortion clinic waiting room
bored out of my mind.
656
00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:50,232
I don't know if you've ever been
657
00:51:50,315 --> 00:51:52,818
to an abortion clinic waiting room before,
but...
658
00:51:54,402 --> 00:51:56,113
the magazines are not great.
659
00:52:00,992 --> 00:52:03,995
The whole place is filled with kids
for some reason.
660
00:52:10,502 --> 00:52:12,963
I mean, I thought they were kids.
661
00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:16,091
Turns out they were just ghosts.
662
00:52:16,216 --> 00:52:18,552
-There's a difference...
663
00:52:18,635 --> 00:52:20,720
...sort of, you know?
664
00:52:26,434 --> 00:52:28,937
Yeah, that's the high point of the story.
665
00:52:32,065 --> 00:52:33,608
But I'm only halfway done.
666
00:52:36,862 --> 00:52:38,864
So I'm in this waiting room for so long
667
00:52:39,573 --> 00:52:40,866
and I'm so bored
668
00:52:41,449 --> 00:52:44,703
that after a while,
my mind just starts to wander,
669
00:52:45,537 --> 00:52:47,372
and I start to think about my friend
670
00:52:47,956 --> 00:52:50,750
and what she's going through
behind those doors.
671
00:52:51,543 --> 00:52:53,211
And then almost immediately,
672
00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:55,881
I bring it back to myself.
673
00:53:01,970 --> 00:53:03,722
And I think, "Anthony,
674
00:53:04,222 --> 00:53:07,309
what are you going to say to her
when she walks out of there?
675
00:53:07,767 --> 00:53:10,812
You should think of something nice to say.
You should have a plan."
676
00:53:11,229 --> 00:53:15,442
Because I'm not going to lie to you guys,
I blew it when she walked in there.
677
00:53:17,027 --> 00:53:20,238
I didn't have anything nice prepared,
I didn't have a plan.
678
00:53:20,947 --> 00:53:22,490
The doctor called her name,
679
00:53:22,949 --> 00:53:23,783
she stood up,
680
00:53:24,534 --> 00:53:27,787
turned around to look at me
one last time and I panicked.
681
00:53:28,580 --> 00:53:30,498
I just went, "Um...
682
00:53:32,125 --> 00:53:33,210
"kill 'em in there."
683
00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:41,176
I'm not proud of that, you know?
684
00:53:41,843 --> 00:53:44,095
I consider that to be a total failure.
685
00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:49,684
Worst part for sure was the fist bump,
I know that now.
686
00:53:55,732 --> 00:53:58,610
And, yeah, she looked at me
like I'm an asshole, but...
687
00:53:59,486 --> 00:54:00,695
who is she to judge?
688
00:54:10,330 --> 00:54:11,831
But now the pressure is on me.
689
00:54:13,041 --> 00:54:15,919
Think of something nice
for when she walks out of there.
690
00:54:17,003 --> 00:54:18,255
But I'm not good at that.
691
00:54:19,547 --> 00:54:21,049
That's not my specialty.
692
00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:25,845
Thinking up nice things to say
to people in their time of need.
693
00:54:26,972 --> 00:54:31,518
The closest option I could come up with
in my own mind was,
694
00:54:32,686 --> 00:54:34,688
"Hey, did you lose weight?"
695
00:54:36,481 --> 00:54:37,315
I know.
696
00:54:38,650 --> 00:54:39,484
I know.
697
00:54:42,028 --> 00:54:44,698
Look, I'm not proud of that either, okay?
698
00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:47,075
That is useless.
699
00:54:48,034 --> 00:54:50,996
I can't say that to my friend.
That is useless.
700
00:54:52,163 --> 00:54:54,874
Except for the fact that it made me laugh.
701
00:54:57,627 --> 00:54:59,504
And that's when I realized
702
00:54:59,629 --> 00:55:01,881
I am chuckling to myself...
703
00:55:03,550 --> 00:55:05,093
...in the waiting room...
704
00:55:08,138 --> 00:55:09,806
...of an abortion clinic.
705
00:55:11,766 --> 00:55:14,102
I catch myself, I stop, I look up.
706
00:55:14,811 --> 00:55:17,188
I see a couple sitting
straight across from me.
707
00:55:18,648 --> 00:55:21,901
The guy looks away in disgust
like he wants to fight me.
708
00:55:22,944 --> 00:55:25,196
But the woman leans forward and goes,
709
00:55:26,156 --> 00:55:27,782
"Hey, Anthony, big fan."
710
00:55:33,246 --> 00:55:37,292
Which I always appreciate.
Never a bad time for that. Literally...
711
00:55:38,543 --> 00:55:40,295
...any trimester is good.
712
00:55:49,846 --> 00:55:51,973
Couple of minutes later,
a nurse walks out,
713
00:55:52,891 --> 00:55:54,059
comes right up to me,
714
00:55:54,893 --> 00:55:57,145
hands me some paperwork
and says, "Hey,
715
00:55:57,979 --> 00:56:00,398
are you here for Jessica's abortion?"
716
00:56:01,316 --> 00:56:03,068
And at his point, I was so bored.
717
00:56:10,158 --> 00:56:12,619
I just stood up as fast as I could
and said,
718
00:56:12,702 --> 00:56:14,454
"Wait! Don't you mean ultrasound?"
719
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:29,719
And then I laughed for quite some time.
720
00:56:34,015 --> 00:56:35,100
I mean,
721
00:56:35,558 --> 00:56:37,811
really threw my head back on that one.
722
00:56:41,439 --> 00:56:45,527
If you're wondering about the nurse,
don't worry, she was a total pro,
723
00:56:46,111 --> 00:56:47,278
did not laugh at all.
724
00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:57,747
So I got a little more time left
in this waiting room,
725
00:56:58,373 --> 00:57:00,750
and it finally dawns on me, "Anthony,
726
00:57:01,418 --> 00:57:03,169
you're just a terrible person.
727
00:57:04,546 --> 00:57:08,299
And you are never going to think
of something nice to say to your friend.
728
00:57:09,217 --> 00:57:11,302
So why not just get her a present,
729
00:57:11,845 --> 00:57:14,264
get her a gift to make her feel better.
730
00:57:14,347 --> 00:57:16,808
That way, you don't have to say anything."
731
00:57:17,767 --> 00:57:19,269
But what do you get
732
00:57:19,686 --> 00:57:21,729
for someone who's just had an abortion?
733
00:57:22,897 --> 00:57:24,149
I had no idea.
734
00:57:26,317 --> 00:57:27,569
So I Googled it.
735
00:57:30,947 --> 00:57:31,948
You can Google that.
736
00:57:33,783 --> 00:57:34,701
It worked.
737
00:57:35,452 --> 00:57:36,911
A website popped up
738
00:57:37,745 --> 00:57:40,582
and I'm glad I looked at it too.
It really helped me out.
739
00:57:41,124 --> 00:57:42,375
'Cause my first thought,
740
00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:45,795
commemorative coin, does not exist.
741
00:57:45,879 --> 00:57:47,172
-Yeah.
742
00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:54,262
Turns out
it's actually never been a thing.
743
00:57:56,014 --> 00:57:57,390
I must have dreamed it.
744
00:58:00,143 --> 00:58:01,519
My second thought:
745
00:58:02,103 --> 00:58:03,313
flowers.
746
00:58:03,646 --> 00:58:05,106
Flowers are always good, right?
747
00:58:06,065 --> 00:58:08,985
No, not according to this website.
748
00:58:09,944 --> 00:58:12,071
This website said,
"Do not get her flowers.
749
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:14,532
Flowers are more of a romantic gesture,
750
00:58:14,991 --> 00:58:17,368
then she's got to take them home,
put them in water.
751
00:58:17,452 --> 00:58:19,996
Do not put her through that on this day."
752
00:58:20,705 --> 00:58:22,290
According to this website,
753
00:58:22,373 --> 00:58:25,877
flowers are the worst gift
you can get someone
754
00:58:26,044 --> 00:58:27,795
after they've just had an abortion.
755
00:58:28,922 --> 00:58:30,798
Now, I took that advice on the day.
756
00:58:31,758 --> 00:58:33,510
I still don't think I believe it.
757
00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:38,389
I feel like we can all agree
the worst gift you could get someone
758
00:58:38,723 --> 00:58:40,934
after they've just had an abortion
759
00:58:41,392 --> 00:58:44,187
would be a to-go box.
760
00:58:47,315 --> 00:58:50,068
Think of something worse
and I'll change the fucking joke.
761
00:58:52,153 --> 00:58:54,781
The answer is "to-go box."
762
00:58:56,908 --> 00:58:58,618
That would be inappropriate.
763
00:58:59,202 --> 00:59:02,413
That would be a real bucket
of cold water
764
00:59:03,122 --> 00:59:04,791
on abortion day. No.
765
00:59:08,044 --> 00:59:10,630
According to this website,
there's only one gift.
766
00:59:11,047 --> 00:59:13,299
Only one gift is appropriate
767
00:59:13,841 --> 00:59:16,010
after someone has just had an abortion.
768
00:59:16,844 --> 00:59:20,515
And that is... a succulent.
769
00:59:25,144 --> 00:59:28,523
-Do you know what a succulent is?
770
00:59:28,982 --> 00:59:30,900
'Cause I had to Google that shit too.
771
00:59:31,943 --> 00:59:36,322
If you don't know,
a succulent is a desert plant.
772
00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:39,200
It's like a cactus, it's a plant
that doesn't need water.
773
00:59:39,325 --> 00:59:43,162
It's a plant that gets its nutrients
from the air. Give her that.
774
00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:46,082
I said, "Absolutely not."
775
00:59:46,916 --> 00:59:49,210
I would never do that
to my friend Jessica.
776
00:59:50,086 --> 00:59:52,213
I would never be like,
"Oh, here you go, Jessica.
777
00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:56,050
Here's something else
you never have to take care of."
778
01:00:11,566 --> 01:00:13,776
I would never do that.
What am I, a monster?
779
01:00:16,821 --> 01:00:18,364
So I didn't get her anything.
780
01:00:19,949 --> 01:00:22,577
She eventually walked out
from behind those doors.
781
01:00:22,910 --> 01:00:25,413
I didn't give her anything,
I didn't say anything.
782
01:00:25,663 --> 01:00:26,831
I just stood up,
783
01:00:27,248 --> 01:00:28,499
I gave her a hug,
784
01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:31,544
helped her to the car, drove her home.
785
01:00:31,753 --> 01:00:33,838
I sat next to her on her couch,
786
01:00:34,464 --> 01:00:36,549
holding her while she cried.
787
01:00:36,841 --> 01:00:38,343
I was a great friend that day.
788
01:00:39,135 --> 01:00:43,765
Such a great friend that even hours later
after she'd stopped crying,
789
01:00:43,848 --> 01:00:47,894
calmed down and forgotten about
the whole thing forever...
790
01:00:54,734 --> 01:00:57,111
...I was still there next to her,
791
01:00:57,820 --> 01:00:59,739
writing down all these jokes.
792
01:01:05,787 --> 01:01:06,746
Now,
793
01:01:07,747 --> 01:01:09,290
my favorite part
794
01:01:09,791 --> 01:01:15,713
about having a true 15-minute story
about taking my friend to get her abortion
795
01:01:15,797 --> 01:01:19,008
to end my shows with
are the different reactions
796
01:01:19,092 --> 01:01:20,551
I get from the audience.
797
01:01:21,344 --> 01:01:27,058
Some people laugh, some people cringe,
some people get visibly upset.
798
01:01:27,642 --> 01:01:29,352
And the truth is, guys,
799
01:01:30,353 --> 01:01:32,355
those are all the same to me.
800
01:01:37,527 --> 01:01:40,446
But the best reaction,
my favorite reaction I've ever gotten
801
01:01:40,530 --> 01:01:43,241
from this story
was just a couple of weeks ago.
802
01:01:44,033 --> 01:01:47,286
A woman in the back of the theater
stands up very confidently
803
01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,248
and she screams out, "Excuse me.
804
01:01:51,040 --> 01:01:52,500
Excuse me, Anthony,
805
01:01:53,126 --> 01:01:56,796
but what the fuck
is so funny about abortion?"
806
01:01:58,005 --> 01:01:59,215
And I said, "Lady,
807
01:02:00,341 --> 01:02:01,968
I just told you."
808
01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:06,806
Thank you very much, everyone.
You've been a wonderful crowd.