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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to the stage,

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Mr. Alonzo Bodden!

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(crowd cheering,
applauding)

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- Thank you guys.

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Wow.

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Yes.

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Thank you.

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Thank you, sit, sit.

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Sit, sit, you'll get tired.

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-Sit.
-(audience laughs)

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How you doing?
Thank you guys for coming out.

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We're gonna have a great time.

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I'm recording a
special, you know,

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and I love doing comedy and
people talk to be about this.

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They're like, yeah man,
but you do topical comedy.

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You talk about the news.

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Is it still gonna be
funny when we see it?

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-Yeah.
-(audience laughing)

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Yeah, unless we like
solve racism or you know,

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suddenly Trump becomes a genius.

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(audience laughing)

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I think most of this
will still work.

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I love being a comic.

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I've been in the game
for 25 years now and--

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-(audience cheers)
-Yeah, thank you.

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-I love--
-(audience applauding)

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I love what I do and I love
people's reaction, right?

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Because when people hear
your comedy they're like,

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yeah, yeah, you guys
are funny on stage,

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but off stage, you guys
are all fucked up, right?

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Right, like you guys got
all kind of mental problems

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and all kind of stuff, right?

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And I was like, yeah, yeah.

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But you know, it's kind
of situational, right?

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So let me explain,
I'll give you an example.

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A few months ago,
I was in Boston

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and Dave Chappelle
and John Stewart

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were doing a show, right?

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Now I know Dave, but I'm
not gonna sit up here

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and pretend we're best
of friends, you know,

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but I like Dave, but I
know, like if I call Dave

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00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:05,835
and want to come to the show,
I might hear from him in a day,

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I might not hear
from him for a month.

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So I bought tickets
to go to the show.

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So the day before the show,

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I find out a friend of mine,
a guy named Will Silvens,

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is opening the show,
so I call Will.

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He's like, yeah man, great,
we'd love to have you.

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He said, do you need tickets?

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And I said, well yeah,
I needed tickets $500 ago.

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You know, but I got tickets now.

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But he said, yeah,
come hang out.

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So I go in, I hang out,
I meet John Stewart.

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I never met him before.

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Michael Che was
doing a guest spot.

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Che was there and we were
all just hanging out, right?

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Now you see, here's the point,

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we're all comics, we're hanging
out, having a good time.

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They called me out on stage
and it ain't about, you know,

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who's famous or who has the
most money or any of that,

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we're just, we're all comics
having a good time, right?

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Then it comes time to leave
and we go out the back

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and there's a row
of Escalades, right?

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Each one of them
had an Escalade

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to take 'em to the hotel which
is only three blocks away

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and I had an Uber.

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(audience laughing)

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Right, so now, now is where
the depression comes in

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cause now I'm thinking like,
where did I go wrong in life?

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You know what I'm saying?
What did I do wrong?

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They're in Escalades and
I got an Uber, you know?

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So they invited me
back the next night

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and I go back and we
hang out, same thing,

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we're having a good
time, we're laughing,

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but it's getting late, right?

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And Dave's manager
was like, Dave,

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you gotta hurry up, your
plane is waiting, right?

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And I was like, your plane?

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Now I don't know
if Dave had a plane

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or if they chartered
a plane or what,

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but in my head, in
my head, I'm like,

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Dave got a plane...

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and I got an Uber.

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(audience laughing)

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Right, so this is Wednesday.

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Now my shows, they
don't start til Friday.

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So all day Thursday I
don't have anything to do,

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but be in my head wondering

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where I went wrong
in life, you know?

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Just, man, I ain't funny.

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I got an Uber, you know.

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So now it's Friday night and
I'm about to start my shows

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and it's nasty night out,
it's pouring rain

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and all this and all that
and I'm in the greenroom

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waiting to go on and
the opener came in, right?

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And he was all soaked
and he was like,

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man, I was on the bus stop.

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And I was like, bus stop?

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(audience laughing)

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'Cause I got an Uber.

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(crowd laughing,
applauding)

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So it's like situational cause
we do, it's human nature.

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You're always
aspiring to do great

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and you're looking up there,

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but every now and then
you gotta look down

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and say, well at
least I'm not you.

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(audience laughing)

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I love being a
comic, but now man,

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strange times to do
comedy, tough time.

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'Cause people are angry.
(grunts) Right?

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People are just mad
and they walk around

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looking for reasons
to be mad, right?

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Everybody's protesting
something, right?

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Like Colin Kapernick
and Nike, right?

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So Colin Kapernick,

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he came out and he
said specifically what
he was protesting.

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He said, I'm protesting
racial injustice

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in the legal system and
cops killing black people.

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-That's what he said, but what--
-(audience applauding)

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Yeah, he's right, he's right,

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but what people heard was,

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I hate the troops and
fuck America, right?

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They just decided that's
what they were gonna hear,

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so they can get mad, right?

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And then,
I'm burning up my Nike's.

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Like, you think
Nike gives a shit?

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You already paid for 'em.

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Nike's like, you should
burn some more Nike's.

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You should get like
50 pair and just

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start a bonfire, you know?

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You know and then of course
they question you as a comic.

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Oh, you support Kapernick?

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I was like, man, I
support Kapernick so much,

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I wish I had smaller feet
so I could buy little Nike's

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to put in a big Nike
and wear two at at time.

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That's how much--

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(audience laughing)

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People are mad
and they just feel

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they can get in your
face and be mad, right?

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Oh you a black comic, you
gonna do that black stuff?

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Gonna do that black stuff?
Oh, all that black
lives matter, right?

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You think black lives matter.

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I'm like yeah.
Right?

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Why?
'Cause I have one.

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(audience laughing)

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Come at me with
nothing stupid.

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And here's the other
reason that it's honestly,

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it's tough to be a comic
because as a comedian,

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my job is to create
a reality funnier

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than the reality we live in

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which becomes more and
more impossible every day.

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I'm a news junkie, right?

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I like reading the news.

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I read a story in the news,
I'm not making this up.

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You can look it up for yourself.

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It said that a man was
run over by a lawnmower

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while chasing his
son with a chainsaw.

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You understand?

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And when you see that
headline, you have to read it.

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You can't be like, oh, I
don't care what happened.

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-No, you--
-(audience laughing)

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You have to, and I, the
family, they'd been feuding

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and the father was chasing his
son with a chainsaw, right?

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And he slipped in the
grass and his son was like,

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oh, and turned the
lawnmower around

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and ran his ass
over and I'm like,

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I can't be funnier than that.

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That's Bugs Bunny.

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That's straight out of
a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

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Oh s'cuse me a minute.

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Somebody was supposed
to have this open.

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(audience laughing)

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Now I'ma make the
opening act do it.

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So I feel better about me.

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I'm like, yeah, when
I walk out there,
my water better be open.

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(audience laughing)

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Ah.

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Cannot be funnier
than reality.

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Kanye.

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(audience laughing)

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See? Half of you just
wrote your own joke.

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00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,193
(audience laughing)

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00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,360
You're just sitting there, like,

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00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,571
relax Alonzo, we got this.

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00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,073
(audience laughing)

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I don't even know what to
tell you about Kanye West.

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I'll tell you this, it is
hard enough to be black

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without Kanye West.

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00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,919
(audience laughing)

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Because the day that
Kanye gave his speech

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or manifesto or
whatever it was,

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all across America,
white people looked

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at the nearest black
person and just went...

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(audience laughing)

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As if we had an explanation.

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You know and I'm
standing there like,

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this is the first
I've heard of it.

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I wasn't prepared for
questions, I'm sorry.

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They asked, what's
going on with Kanye.

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I was like,
that nigga's crazy.

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That's all I got.

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That's the best
explanation, that nigga's,

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00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,124
that's a crazy
nigga right there.

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00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,170
I don't drop the N bomb
on white people too often,

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00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:08,548
but there was really
no other explanation.

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00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,634
You know, so the minute
I say that nigga's crazy,

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00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:13,053
the follow up question, you
know, from white people like,

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00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:14,596
well how come black
people can say nigga

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00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:17,307
and white people can't?
Okay?

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00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:19,559
And I thought about
it and here's why.

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00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:21,061
Let me explain to you.

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00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:24,648
Because the word nigga
in the black community

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00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:28,026
has no racial connotation
to it, you understand?

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00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,361
It's just a word that we use.

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00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:31,363
So that's not the insult.

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00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:34,116
The insult is the
word after that.

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00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:36,910
You gotta listen
for the third word

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00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:39,496
to find out
what we mean, right?

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00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:41,540
So if I say like,
that nigga's crazy,

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00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,209
he's like, you think
I have mental issues?

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00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,627
Like you see?

224
00:09:45,669 --> 00:09:47,546
See it's the third
word that throws 'em up.

225
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:48,797
Man, that nigga's fat.

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00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:51,883
Like, you think
I'm over weight?

227
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,885
You see, every now and
then I mess with people.

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00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,554
I be like, that
nigga's a racist.

229
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,097
They're like,
now wait a minute.

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00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:58,307
(audience laughing)

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00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,183
Not sure how that one works.

232
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,060
(audience laughing)

233
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,478
But see that's black people.

234
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,022
Now white people, you're
not allowed to say that.

235
00:10:05,063 --> 00:10:06,648
'Cause white people
be like, that ni--

236
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:08,567
and that's as far
as you're gonna get.

237
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,193
(audience laughing)

238
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:12,237
You ain't gonna get to
the second syllable.

239
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,407
Don't even worry
about the third word.

240
00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:20,203
But Kanye, I mean
I couldn't believe.

241
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,580
It was insane.

242
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,291
Kanye's speech was so
crazy that Donald Trump

243
00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:27,127
was looking at him like, wow.

244
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:30,380
Wow, he's better
at it than me.

245
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:33,508
This makes no sense at all.

246
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:41,558
Kanye West said that we should
repeal the 13th amendment.

247
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,143
For those who don't know,

248
00:10:43,185 --> 00:10:46,646
that's the one that
freed the slaves, right?

249
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:50,734
And I'm like, look,
if we gotta give one back...

250
00:10:50,776 --> 00:10:53,528
(audience laughing)

251
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:56,365
You know what I'm saying?
Maybe not that one.

252
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,492
Like let's give up the
right to vote or something,

253
00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:02,454
but let's just not give back
the slave amendment, you know?

254
00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:04,414
'Cause once slavery comes back,

255
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,666
the rest of 'em are pretty
much academic, you know?

256
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:09,544
Yeah, they bring back slavery,
we ain't too worried about

257
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:12,422
sitting at the lunch
counter anymore.

258
00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:16,051
It's insane and it
comes at you so fast,

259
00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:17,761
you can't keep up anymore.

260
00:11:17,803 --> 00:11:19,388
You can't keep up
with the news cycle.

261
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:20,847
Here is the thing about Kanye.

262
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:23,809
Kanye knocked Kavanaugh
right outta the news.

263
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,186
The Kavanaugh hearings
just, and we were like,

264
00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:28,438
Kavanaugh, that was like
four years ago, right?

265
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,524
Like he's been on
the Supreme Court

266
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,275
for nine years now, right?

267
00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:35,404
No, it was one week,
but we're so bombarded

268
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:39,116
and I watched the Kavanaugh
hearings and I'll tell ya this.

269
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:43,286
There is such a thing
as white privilege, right?

270
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:44,704
And I know what that is,

271
00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:48,041
but Kavanaugh, that was
a whole different level

272
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:51,753
because he, basically,
he had a job interview

273
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:53,755
with the United States Senate

274
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:57,050
and he started yelling at them.

275
00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:59,594
He was yelling at
the United States Senate.

276
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:03,056
I don't like these hearings and
this while thing is a farce.

277
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:04,766
I like beer.

278
00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:06,268
(audience laughing)

279
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:07,936
Right? And even
white people are like,

280
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:10,647
wow, can you do that,
can you yell at?

281
00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:11,731
Can you yell at senators now?

282
00:12:11,773 --> 00:12:13,900
I didn't know.

283
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:17,362
He said, I like beer
at a job interview.

284
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,406
(audience laughing)

285
00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:22,492
You can't say that at
a McDonald's job interview.

286
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:26,663
You go to McDonald's,
you're like, I like beer,

287
00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,540
and they're like,
we're not hiring.

288
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:32,419
(audience laughing,
applauding)

289
00:12:32,461 --> 00:12:35,464
Thank you, thank you.

290
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,468
And here's my problem,

291
00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:41,553
whenever they have any of
these congressional hearings,

292
00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:44,264
senate hearings,
this is why it's all a show

293
00:12:44,306 --> 00:12:46,933
because they never
call bullshit, right?

294
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:49,853
We recognize bullshit.
You know it when you hear it.

295
00:12:49,895 --> 00:12:52,481
It's right there and they
have protocol or whatever.

296
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:53,648
They won't say it.

297
00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:54,900
So he's doing this.

298
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,443
He said, yeah, I drank beer.

299
00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:59,654
I like to drink beer,
but I never passed out.

300
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,615
I did fall asleep.

301
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,742
(audience laughing)

302
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,952
And I'm sitting at home
like, yeah, that's bullshit.

303
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:08,830
I recognize it.
That's bullshit, right?

304
00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,790
That's like saying,
man, I hate hamburgers.

305
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:13,251
I don't like hamburgers,
but I do like

306
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:17,005
a nice hot ground beef
sandwich every now and then.

307
00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:19,508
Oh a hot ground beef
sandwich sounds delicious

308
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:23,178
-right about--
-(audience laughing)

309
00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:25,472
And no matter how
inane the premise,

310
00:13:25,514 --> 00:13:27,265
no matter how crazy
the person is,

311
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,100
they can always
find supporters,

312
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,644
this is the thing
about America.

313
00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:32,229
I don't know where
they find these people,

314
00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:34,064
but they always find support.

315
00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:37,400
So Kavanaugh is accused
of attempted rape

316
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:40,362
and sexual harassment,
and they find women

317
00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:43,782
to support him, right?
Women for Kavanaugh.

318
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,284
And I was listening to him
and one of them actually said,

319
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,745
yeah, yeah, okay, he was
accused of attempted rape,

320
00:13:48,787 --> 00:13:51,373
but what high school
boy hasn't done that?

321
00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:53,583
And I'm watching TV like, me.

322
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:57,963
Me, no, no, no
attempted rape, like no.

323
00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:01,174
I may have snapped a bra
strap here and there,

324
00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:04,302
but there was
no attempted rape.

325
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,096
Wasn't like we
just out joy riding

326
00:14:06,137 --> 00:14:08,723
and one guy like, yo man,
we should attempt rape.

327
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:11,059
(mocks screeching tires)
Get out the car.

328
00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:12,519
No, we ain't, no.

329
00:14:12,561 --> 00:14:14,646
(audience laughing)

330
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,273
All right, I'll lighten it up.

331
00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:17,732
I'll lighten it up.

332
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,360
Have to lighten it
up cause, you know,

333
00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:21,987
it's a comedy show.

334
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,281
If I do too much heavy
stuff, you guys get all mad.

335
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,491
(grumbling) Right?
And then you go leave all crazy,

336
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:29,077
so what I like to do, I'll
give you some heavy stuff,

337
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:31,079
then I'll give you
something light,

338
00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,790
give you something light
weight and you just, ah.

339
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,750
Then I'm gonna hit you
with the heavy stuff,

340
00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:37,961
make sure you're paying
attention, all right?

341
00:14:40,255 --> 00:14:42,257
I got a new iPhone,
got a new iPhone.

342
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:46,469
Cost somewhere between
$1,200 and $15,000.

343
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,471
(audience laughing)

344
00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:53,184
I don't know how much it
cost because Siri bought it.

345
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:57,314
Siri has reached a point, she
doesn't need me anymore, see?

346
00:14:57,355 --> 00:15:00,400
Siri has my identification
information,

347
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,819
my passwords, my credit cards.

348
00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:04,154
She don't need me, right?

349
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:06,656
I was just looking at
the phone and I'm online

350
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:07,741
checking it out
and Siri was like,

351
00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:09,284
oh, do you want a new iPhone?

352
00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:10,744
And I was like, well,
you know, I'm not sure.

353
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,120
I'm still checking out.

354
00:15:12,162 --> 00:15:14,497
She said, no, you
need a new iPhone

355
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:17,375
because your phone is
gonna stop working,

356
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,003
-now.
-(audience laughing)

357
00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:22,213
And phone just went
to shit, just done.

358
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,798
(audience laughing)

359
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,009
You know, and then you have
the Samsung people like,

360
00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:27,677
why don't you get
a Samsung phone?

361
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:30,472
Can't get a Samsung phone
cause I have all the I stuff.

362
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:32,599
I got the iMac and the iPad,

363
00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:34,476
you can't just bring
home a Samsung.

364
00:15:34,517 --> 00:15:36,978
Siri ain't
putting up with that.

365
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:39,147
I found that out.

366
00:15:39,189 --> 00:15:41,441
I got the Alexa.
I got the Amazon Alexa.

367
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:44,736
So now I have Alexa in my
kitchen and Siri on my phone.

368
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,656
Can't have two women
living in the same house.

369
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,616
(audience applauding)

370
00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:51,493
Right?
Siri is not happy at all.

371
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,953
Suddenly this new young
woman has moved in,

372
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:57,082
seems to know everything.

373
00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:59,292
Right, like hey Siri, what's
the weather gonna be like?

374
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,169
Why don't you ask that bitch?

375
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,963
(audience laughing)

376
00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:07,425
I didn't know it was going
to be a problem, Siri.

377
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,303
Well you shoulda asked me before
you brought the bitch home.

378
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:16,976
Now she gets mad at me, she'll
just buy things at random.

379
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,561
I came home one day,

380
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,605
just a crate of tampons
on the front door.

381
00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:24,484
Now Siri, this ain't funny.

382
00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:27,904
Right, and Alexa don't
make it any better.

383
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:30,281
She just sit up there
talking smack like,

384
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:35,912
I'm young, I look good, I can
buy you anything you want.

385
00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:37,497
It's like,
would you stop it?

386
00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:39,874
Siri's right here.

387
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,876
She's just,
wait'll she powers down.

388
00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:46,965
Ah, I don't know.

389
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,302
Donald Trump.

390
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:52,512
Oh, just got heavy again.

391
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:56,641
Don't want to talk
about Trump, have to.

392
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,810
Don't want to, have to,
it's a rule.

393
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:02,355
Whenever three or more
people gather in a room,

394
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:05,275
you must discuss
Donald Trump, right?

395
00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,068
Now don't worry, I'm not
gonna do a whole bunch

396
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:10,071
of Trump jokes because I
can't actually be funnier

397
00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:12,615
than Donald Trump is
every day.

398
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:15,076
You know what I'm saying?
Game recognizes game.

399
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:16,786
(audience laughing)

400
00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:18,872
I'm writing a joke,
he's telling the truth

401
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:21,750
and I'm like, man
you're good, you yeah.

402
00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:24,085
You win again.

403
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:26,087
At the mid-term elections,

404
00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:28,006
Donald Trump said
there was voter fraud.

405
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,091
He said there were a
bunch of people that voted

406
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:34,637
multiple times by
changing clothes.

407
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:38,683
Yeah, that was the strategy,
not fake I.D. or any of that,

408
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:41,269
just changing, as if I went
in the morning and said,

409
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:42,979
hi, I'm Alonzo Bodden
and I'm here to vote,

410
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,814
and they were like yeah,
and I signed the little thing

411
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,691
and they said, go ahead,
and I go vote, right?

412
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:48,318
Then I come back two
hours later, I'm like,

413
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:50,987
hi I'm Alonzo Bodden
and I'm here to vote.

414
00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:52,697
And they're like,
you already voted and I said,

415
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:55,366
no, no, no, sir,
that Alonzo Bodden

416
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,659
was wearing a black shirt.

417
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:01,706
As you notice, I am
wearing a gray shirt.

418
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,042
And as if they were so
dumb, they were like,

419
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:07,337
you're right, right this way.

420
00:18:07,378 --> 00:18:10,590
And I'm like, now,
a few hours from now,

421
00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:12,091
you may see another
Alonzo Bodden,

422
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,302
but he'll be wearing
a plaid shirt.

423
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,306
I can't out Trump, Trump.

424
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:21,184
I will be writing a
joke and he'll just win.

425
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:23,853
I was writing.
I was doing my job,
my work writing jokes.

426
00:18:23,895 --> 00:18:26,314
I'm writing some kind of
White House, Stormy Daniels,

427
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:28,858
porn star joke and I
always have the news on

428
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,235
in the background, right?

429
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:33,029
And I'm writing, all
I hear is, space force.

430
00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:35,114
(audience laughing)

431
00:18:35,156 --> 00:18:36,908
Space force?

432
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:40,954
We fighting shit
from outer space?

433
00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:45,542
Space force, like who let him
watch Star Wars unsupervised.

434
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,213
And whenever he goes on one
of those tangents, right?

435
00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:51,631
My favorite thing,

436
00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:54,050
I don't even watch
him during his speech,

437
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:57,637
I like to watch the
grownups behind him, right?

438
00:18:57,679 --> 00:19:01,057
Because they have to
keep a straight face.

439
00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:02,934
So he's talking
about space force,

440
00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:05,687
but behind him, you have
the leaders of the Army,

441
00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:07,939
the Navy, Marines
and Air Force

442
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:11,442
and they're standing
at attention like,

443
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:16,447
Space force?
What the fuck?

444
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,700
Are you kidding,
space force, right?

445
00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:21,661
They're looking at the Air
Force guy like, good luck.

446
00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:24,914
Have fun in outer space.

447
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:28,877
We're only going
to the border.

448
00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:32,088
-(audience laughing)
-Ah.

449
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:37,552
During the midterms,
Barack Obama came back out.

450
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:39,220
He was giving speeches.

451
00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:43,892
It was so nice to
hear a president talk.

452
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:48,605
You know what I mean?
He was just using big words

453
00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:52,775
and coherent sentences that
led to thoughts and I was like,

454
00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:54,110
man, I don't even know
what you're talking about,

455
00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:55,904
just keep going.

456
00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:58,823
I just like to listen.

457
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:01,743
And when Barack Obama
first burst into the news

458
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,411
before he was even
president, you know,

459
00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:05,246
everybody was like,
oh he's so articulate.

460
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:06,956
He's so articulate.

461
00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:08,666
And I don't really
get mad because

462
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,752
I don't think a lot of
people realize this,

463
00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:13,421
but that's a bit of an insult
in the black community, right?

464
00:20:13,463 --> 00:20:17,508
Like we been speaking English
for a long time, you know?

465
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,678
And in particular, he graduated
from Harvard University,

466
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,222
so I don't think it's
that much of a shock

467
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,934
that he can speak English.

468
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:28,937
But then I heard Donald
Trump giving a speech,

469
00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:32,732
all right, and he was attacked
by the word anonymous.

470
00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:34,359
(audience laughing)

471
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,778
It just popped up
on the teleprompter

472
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:40,531
with no warning at all
and he was just like,

473
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:43,868
-the anan, the animus--
-(audience laughing)

474
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:47,455
the anen, mm, the ah.
Right?

475
00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:49,374
And then his followers
just started yelling,

476
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:50,959
fake word, fake word!

477
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,127
(audience laughing,
applauding)

478
00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:01,719
Trump followers man,
they're angry people.

479
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,554
They're angry (growls)
just mad, right?

480
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,348
And I don't respect
it and here's why,

481
00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:07,684
because they like to
bully people, right?

482
00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:10,228
For example, they have this
thing about speak English,

483
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:11,813
you gotta speak
English and now

484
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:13,231
they're just running up
on people in public

485
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:14,857
telling 'em to speak English,

486
00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:18,528
but they run up on women,
see, and I don't respect that.

487
00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:20,905
Like in New York, there were
four Puerto Rican women,

488
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:23,199
speaking Spanish and
this white guy runs up,

489
00:21:23,241 --> 00:21:24,867
you better speak
English, and I was like,

490
00:21:24,909 --> 00:21:26,411
all right, all
right, first of all,

491
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:28,079
these women are bilingual.

492
00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:31,958
That makes them one language
smarter than you, right?

493
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,585
I have the utmost respect
for people who are bilingual

494
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:36,546
because not only do they
speak two languages,

495
00:21:36,587 --> 00:21:39,048
they can actually think
in another language,

496
00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:41,342
like in the midst of a
thought or a sentence,

497
00:21:41,384 --> 00:21:43,302
they can switch languages.
That amazes me.

498
00:21:43,344 --> 00:21:45,805
Like, I speak
English and bullshit,
you know what I mean?

499
00:21:45,847 --> 00:21:47,432
-(audience laughing)
-Like, I'll be

500
00:21:47,473 --> 00:21:49,058
in the middle of a
sentence and I'll be like,

501
00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,352
I better start bullshitting,
I'm in trouble, you know?

502
00:21:51,394 --> 00:21:55,148
I can do that, but I don't
have two languages, right?

503
00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:57,692
And they were women,
you're yelling at women.

504
00:21:57,734 --> 00:21:59,068
You want respect?

505
00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:01,863
Run up on a group
of Puerto Rican men

506
00:22:01,904 --> 00:22:04,824
and tell them they'd
better speak English.

507
00:22:04,866 --> 00:22:07,535
I don't even know which
language they'd say it in,

508
00:22:07,577 --> 00:22:09,120
but they'd be like, man,

509
00:22:09,162 --> 00:22:12,498
we didn't even plan
on whipping your ass,

510
00:22:12,540 --> 00:22:14,459
now we gotta whip your
ass, finish a pizza

511
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,127
and get back to work on time.

512
00:22:16,169 --> 00:22:18,004
(audience laughing)

513
00:22:18,046 --> 00:22:21,340
The other reason I don't
respect the speak English thing

514
00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:25,011
because, and I travel,
I'm speaking from experience,

515
00:22:25,053 --> 00:22:29,140
all across America,
every major city
in the United States

516
00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:31,726
has a Chinatown, right?

517
00:22:31,768 --> 00:22:33,019
And when you go to Chinatown,

518
00:22:33,061 --> 00:22:34,687
everything's written in Chinese,

519
00:22:34,729 --> 00:22:36,856
people are speaking
Chinese and nobody

520
00:22:36,898 --> 00:22:39,275
yelling at them to
speak English, right?

521
00:22:39,317 --> 00:22:41,486
You start some
shit in Chinatown,

522
00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:43,321
your ass will disappear.

523
00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:45,907
(audience laughing)

524
00:22:45,948 --> 00:22:47,158
Right, they don't mess around.

525
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,411
Chinatown is
a closed community.

526
00:22:50,453 --> 00:22:51,954
When we go to
Chinatown, right,

527
00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,540
we're allowed to go
to the restaurants, right?

528
00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:56,167
And you're on
the major street,

529
00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:58,503
but they always have
that little back alley, right?

530
00:22:58,544 --> 00:23:00,129
And you start looking
down there like,

531
00:23:00,171 --> 00:23:02,006
no, no, no, no,
not for you.

532
00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:04,842
No, no, no,
not for you, right?

533
00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:06,427
Well, you go down there
talking shit they're like,

534
00:23:06,469 --> 00:23:09,013
-oh, right this way.
-(audience laughing)

535
00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:11,057
Oh you come with me,
right this way, right?

536
00:23:11,099 --> 00:23:12,433
Next thing you back there

537
00:23:12,475 --> 00:23:15,186
where they keep
the gremlins and shit now.

538
00:23:15,228 --> 00:23:16,479
What happened to Joe?

539
00:23:16,521 --> 00:23:18,189
Oh, he's in Chinatown
talking shit.

540
00:23:18,231 --> 00:23:19,982
(audience laughing)

541
00:23:20,024 --> 00:23:20,942
Yoga pants.

542
00:23:22,151 --> 00:23:23,945
(audience laughing)

543
00:23:23,986 --> 00:23:26,531
See, we just lightened
it up a little bit.

544
00:23:26,572 --> 00:23:27,740
(audience applauding)

545
00:23:27,782 --> 00:23:29,784
Men are clapping
because they know.

546
00:23:29,826 --> 00:23:31,911
I love yoga pants.

547
00:23:31,953 --> 00:23:35,581
I don't know who
invented yoga pants,

548
00:23:35,623 --> 00:23:40,253
and I don't know the
criteria for a Nobel Prize,

549
00:23:40,294 --> 00:23:42,380
but I just think
at some point,

550
00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:45,383
the two should come together,
you know what I mean?

551
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:48,803
I'm serious, yoga pants might
be the greatest invention

552
00:23:48,845 --> 00:23:52,849
I've seen in my lifetime and
I saw a man land on the moon.

553
00:23:52,890 --> 00:23:54,851
-(audience laughing)
-This is why yoga pants
are great

554
00:23:54,892 --> 00:23:57,145
because everybody loves 'em,
everybody loves 'em, right?

555
00:23:57,186 --> 00:23:58,980
Every woman I know
wears yoga pants.

556
00:23:59,021 --> 00:24:01,524
Oh, I love yoga pants,
they're so comfortable, right?

557
00:24:01,566 --> 00:24:03,985
And men love yoga
pants cause, well,

558
00:24:04,026 --> 00:24:06,320
they're yoga pants,
you know?

559
00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:08,573
I don't think I have to explain.
And we all say the same thing,

560
00:24:08,614 --> 00:24:10,283
a woman will put on yoga
pants and she's like,

561
00:24:10,324 --> 00:24:13,452
my ass looks fantastic, right?

562
00:24:13,494 --> 00:24:15,079
And men, we look at yoga
pants and we're like,

563
00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:17,498
your ass looks fantastic.

564
00:24:17,540 --> 00:24:19,542
(audience laughing)

565
00:24:19,584 --> 00:24:21,586
I love yoga.
You're wearing yoga pants,

566
00:24:21,627 --> 00:24:23,087
I'm gonna follow you around.

567
00:24:23,129 --> 00:24:24,547
(audience laughing)

568
00:24:24,589 --> 00:24:25,923
That's right and
don't get mad at me

569
00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:28,134
cause you ain't
going to yoga class.

570
00:24:28,176 --> 00:24:30,970
(audience laughing)

571
00:24:31,012 --> 00:24:32,972
Right, you wearing yoga
pants in a grocery store,

572
00:24:33,014 --> 00:24:36,058
guess what, you need
something in aisle three,

573
00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:37,435
I need something
in aisle three.

574
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,688
-(audience laughing)
-That's right.

575
00:24:40,730 --> 00:24:43,983
You, me and Lululemon, let's
go see what's in aisle three.

576
00:24:44,025 --> 00:24:46,777
(audience laughs)

577
00:24:47,904 --> 00:24:50,823
Me Too.

578
00:24:50,865 --> 00:24:53,701
I like how you guys
are picking up on it now.

579
00:24:53,743 --> 00:24:56,287
Like oh, it's about
to get heavy again.

580
00:24:56,329 --> 00:24:59,040
I support the Me Too movement.

581
00:24:59,081 --> 00:25:02,084
I get it as well as a man can.
Yeah, I do.

582
00:25:02,126 --> 00:25:05,546
Women, I listen to
the women's stories.

583
00:25:05,588 --> 00:25:07,506
I'll tell you, like I said,
I've been in this business,

584
00:25:07,548 --> 00:25:10,009
I've been in this entertainment
business 25 years,

585
00:25:10,051 --> 00:25:12,511
I have never been accused
of sexual harassment

586
00:25:12,553 --> 00:25:16,974
on any level and to be
honest, I feel somewhat lazy.

587
00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:18,643
-(audience laughing)
-As if...

588
00:25:18,684 --> 00:25:21,520
I missed my window
of opportunity, you
know what I'm saying?

589
00:25:21,562 --> 00:25:25,024
Like it's 2018, can't go waving
your dick around in 2018,

590
00:25:25,066 --> 00:25:27,652
but back in the early 2000's,

591
00:25:27,693 --> 00:25:29,612
those seemed like prime
dick-waving years.

592
00:25:29,654 --> 00:25:32,657
I just kinda missed
it, you know?

593
00:25:35,284 --> 00:25:36,619
Women are like, wait a minute,

594
00:25:36,661 --> 00:25:37,995
is he with us or
against us on this one?

595
00:25:38,037 --> 00:25:40,539
(audience laughing)

596
00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:45,586
What's funny to me now, you
have men making it about them.

597
00:25:45,628 --> 00:25:47,171
That's the funniest
thing in the world,

598
00:25:47,213 --> 00:25:48,881
men are acting like
the Me Too movement

599
00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:51,968
is somehow, you know,
oh, there's sexual harassment.

600
00:25:52,009 --> 00:25:53,928
I can't even talk
to women anymore.

601
00:25:53,970 --> 00:25:55,930
I don't know what to say.
How am I supposed
to react to women?

602
00:25:55,972 --> 00:25:57,515
Like it's about them.

603
00:25:57,556 --> 00:25:59,141
I remember one guy, yeah,
you're all sexual harassment,

604
00:25:59,183 --> 00:26:02,812
fine, you can open
your own doors.

605
00:26:02,853 --> 00:26:04,272
That's what he said,
you can open,

606
00:26:04,313 --> 00:26:06,190
like in other words,
being nice to a women,

607
00:26:06,232 --> 00:26:09,318
opening a door,
he somehow equated that

608
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:12,822
with the inability to
sexually harass a woman.

609
00:26:12,863 --> 00:26:14,115
You know as if to say, what?

610
00:26:14,156 --> 00:26:15,825
I can't wave my dick at you?

611
00:26:15,866 --> 00:26:17,868
Well you can open
the door yourself.

612
00:26:17,910 --> 00:26:19,328
(audience laughing)

613
00:26:19,370 --> 00:26:22,290
Which I think, most
women would be okay with.

614
00:26:22,331 --> 00:26:24,083
(audience laughing)

615
00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:25,710
Women are like, wait a minute,
all I gotta do is open doors,

616
00:26:25,751 --> 00:26:27,920
no more random dicks
come flying at me?

617
00:26:27,962 --> 00:26:29,547
(audience laughing)

618
00:26:31,882 --> 00:26:35,052
I do man, I don't know
why men get upset.

619
00:26:35,094 --> 00:26:37,555
I love it, I love
a strong woman.

620
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:40,224
I support strong because
the stronger women are,

621
00:26:40,266 --> 00:26:41,684
the less shit I have to do.

622
00:26:41,726 --> 00:26:43,436
(audience laughing)

623
00:26:43,477 --> 00:26:44,979
That's right, you strong,
(screams) there's a bug!

624
00:26:45,021 --> 00:26:46,022
Kill it yourself.

625
00:26:46,063 --> 00:26:47,898
(audience laughing)

626
00:26:47,940 --> 00:26:49,525
I fly every week, right?

627
00:26:49,567 --> 00:26:51,694
I'm on a plane and
I don't even, I laugh,

628
00:26:51,736 --> 00:26:53,821
I don't understand
why women do this,

629
00:26:53,863 --> 00:26:55,656
but invariably
there'll be a woman

630
00:26:55,698 --> 00:27:00,494
who packs her carryon bag
too heavy to lift, right?

631
00:27:00,536 --> 00:27:02,330
So now she's
standing in the aisle

632
00:27:02,371 --> 00:27:03,831
and she's looking at the bag

633
00:27:03,873 --> 00:27:06,250
and she's looking at
the overhead bin, right?

634
00:27:06,292 --> 00:27:08,544
Now I'm already
sitting down, you know.

635
00:27:08,586 --> 00:27:12,048
So then she'll look at me
and I'm like, you can do it!

636
00:27:12,089 --> 00:27:14,383
(audience laughing)

637
00:27:14,425 --> 00:27:15,843
You're wearing yoga pants,

638
00:27:15,885 --> 00:27:18,346
you lift with the legs,
with the legs.

639
00:27:18,387 --> 00:27:20,514
You've been training,
I know you can do it.

640
00:27:20,556 --> 00:27:23,476
(audience laughing)

641
00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:27,563
Some women are like,
I thought he was with us,

642
00:27:27,605 --> 00:27:28,773
but he's an asshole.

643
00:27:28,814 --> 00:27:32,526
(audience laughing)

644
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:36,197
Here's my question though
with all the Me Too stories,

645
00:27:36,238 --> 00:27:38,366
cause again, I read the
stories and I get it,

646
00:27:38,407 --> 00:27:42,787
but here's my question,
where's the ass whooping?

647
00:27:42,828 --> 00:27:45,790
None of these women
had a big brother

648
00:27:45,831 --> 00:27:49,251
or an uncle or a cousin,
somebody, right?

649
00:27:49,293 --> 00:27:51,462
-(audience clapping)
-Yeah...

650
00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:54,757
it just seems to me, I just
want to read a story like,

651
00:27:54,799 --> 00:27:57,676
I went to work and my
boss pulled out his penis

652
00:27:57,718 --> 00:28:01,347
and my brother beat
the shit out of him.

653
00:28:01,389 --> 00:28:03,140
Oh, it was the worst
ass whooping I've ever,

654
00:28:03,182 --> 00:28:05,643
to this day, my boss
pees on his feet

655
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:08,270
cause he's afraid to
touch his own penis.

656
00:28:08,312 --> 00:28:11,148
I've never seen such
an ass whooping.

657
00:28:11,190 --> 00:28:13,025
(audience laughing)

658
00:28:13,067 --> 00:28:15,820
Cause I have nieces, and
my nieces are in their 20's

659
00:28:15,861 --> 00:28:17,905
and if my niece came
to me crying, like,

660
00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:20,574
oh God, I went to work and
my boss pulled out his penis,

661
00:28:20,616 --> 00:28:24,620
like, he and I, we
gonna have a talk.

662
00:28:24,662 --> 00:28:27,039
And when I get done
whooping his ass,

663
00:28:27,081 --> 00:28:29,625
I'ma rub my dick on him.

664
00:28:29,667 --> 00:28:33,087
(audience laughing,
applauding)

665
00:28:33,129 --> 00:28:35,047
You know why, you know why?

666
00:28:35,089 --> 00:28:38,050
Cause no straight
man will ever report

667
00:28:38,092 --> 00:28:41,220
having had a penis
rubbed on him.

668
00:28:41,262 --> 00:28:44,140
No straight man,
oh my God, officer,

669
00:28:44,181 --> 00:28:47,935
he beat me, he held me down
and then, nothing happened,

670
00:28:47,977 --> 00:28:51,647
I'm sorry, I must have been
drinking that day, officer.

671
00:28:51,689 --> 00:28:53,607
Let's tear up that
little report.

672
00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:59,238
I also think, and I don't
mean to make this racial,

673
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:01,657
but I also think
this is why you hear

674
00:29:01,699 --> 00:29:04,368
so many me too stories
from white women

675
00:29:04,410 --> 00:29:06,996
and not many from women of color

676
00:29:07,037 --> 00:29:11,292
because every woman of color
has somebody in their family

677
00:29:11,333 --> 00:29:13,586
that ain't afraid to go to jail.

678
00:29:13,627 --> 00:29:15,379
(audience laughing)

679
00:29:15,421 --> 00:29:17,965
Right? And that's who you
call in that situation,

680
00:29:18,007 --> 00:29:19,633
you understand?

681
00:29:19,675 --> 00:29:22,011
Like you start messing with
a black woman, she like,

682
00:29:22,052 --> 00:29:25,681
don't let me have to call
Ray Ray and Jaynut down here.

683
00:29:25,723 --> 00:29:27,516
Don't let me, cause
Jaynut just got out.

684
00:29:27,558 --> 00:29:30,603
He'll go back in,
he'll whip your ass.

685
00:29:30,644 --> 00:29:32,480
Right, you don't want
no trouble with Jaynut,

686
00:29:32,521 --> 00:29:34,231
you know what I'm saying?

687
00:29:34,273 --> 00:29:36,692
Right, Latin women, you
can't mess with Latin women.

688
00:29:36,734 --> 00:29:40,070
She's like,
I'll call Uncle Chewy.

689
00:29:40,112 --> 00:29:41,739
All right, now the minute
Chewy get down here,

690
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:44,200
he gonna whip your ass, right?

691
00:29:44,241 --> 00:29:45,659
But white women,
they don't have that.

692
00:29:45,701 --> 00:29:48,370
You know, who they
gonna call? Chad.

693
00:29:48,412 --> 00:29:49,997
(audience laughing)

694
00:29:50,039 --> 00:29:52,875
Chad ain't whipping
nobody's ass.

695
00:29:52,917 --> 00:29:54,668
Ain't nobody afraid of Chad.

696
00:29:54,710 --> 00:29:56,795
Man, I rub my dick on Chad.

697
00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:59,757
(audience laughing)

698
00:30:01,842 --> 00:30:03,552
This special's
gonna be on the air

699
00:30:03,594 --> 00:30:05,137
and I'm gonna be
doing a show somewhere

700
00:30:05,179 --> 00:30:06,764
and just some random
guy named Chad

701
00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:09,767
gonna roll in and
whip my ass and say,

702
00:30:09,808 --> 00:30:12,520
I'll show you a Chad.

703
00:30:12,561 --> 00:30:15,606
And I'll take that ass whipping
for a good joke, I will.

704
00:30:15,648 --> 00:30:17,024
That's what we do.

705
00:30:19,485 --> 00:30:22,905
Oh, I mentioned race,
gotta talk about race,

706
00:30:22,947 --> 00:30:25,282
gotta talk about race,
weird things going on now.

707
00:30:25,324 --> 00:30:27,493
White women...

708
00:30:27,535 --> 00:30:30,663
stop calling the cops.

709
00:30:30,704 --> 00:30:33,541
White women are calling the
cops on black people so much,

710
00:30:33,582 --> 00:30:36,835
I am this close to
giving up white women.

711
00:30:36,877 --> 00:30:39,213
-I swear, I'll do it.
-(audience laughing)

712
00:30:39,255 --> 00:30:43,634
-I'll do it.
-(audience applauding)

713
00:30:43,676 --> 00:30:46,679
I am like three phone
calls away, I just--

714
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:49,181
(audience laughing)

715
00:30:49,223 --> 00:30:51,767
White women are calling
the cops on black people

716
00:30:51,809 --> 00:30:53,894
for doing nothing,
literally doing nothing.

717
00:30:53,936 --> 00:30:56,313
Two brothers were in a
Starbucks in Philadelphia,

718
00:30:56,355 --> 00:30:58,857
not doing anything,
they called the cops,

719
00:30:58,899 --> 00:31:00,484
for doing nothing at Starbucks.

720
00:31:00,526 --> 00:31:02,528
You know who's doing
nothing at Starbucks?

721
00:31:02,570 --> 00:31:04,530
Everyone.

722
00:31:04,572 --> 00:31:07,157
That's why you
go to Starbucks.

723
00:31:07,199 --> 00:31:08,826
Hey, what you doing?
I ain't doing nothing.

724
00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:10,452
Let's go to Starbucks.

725
00:31:10,494 --> 00:31:11,996
They built it to do nothing.

726
00:31:12,037 --> 00:31:13,998
Yeah sure, there's
always that one asshole

727
00:31:14,039 --> 00:31:15,958
who's got his laptop
out and all his papers.

728
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,710
He thinks it's his office,

729
00:31:17,751 --> 00:31:19,753
but other than him,
you're doing nothing.

730
00:31:19,795 --> 00:31:21,589
(audience laughing)

731
00:31:21,630 --> 00:31:24,550
They called the cops
on a black family

732
00:31:24,592 --> 00:31:26,552
having a barbecue
in the park.

733
00:31:26,594 --> 00:31:28,429
You know why that upset me?

734
00:31:28,470 --> 00:31:30,598
Because Mexican
families are always

735
00:31:30,639 --> 00:31:32,891
having a barbecue
in the park.

736
00:31:32,933 --> 00:31:35,227
At any given moment,
there's a Mexican family

737
00:31:35,269 --> 00:31:36,812
barbecuing in the park, right?

738
00:31:36,854 --> 00:31:38,522
They're having a Quinceanera,

739
00:31:38,564 --> 00:31:41,317
they're about to bust a
piñata, nobody says a word.

740
00:31:41,358 --> 00:31:43,694
Minute five black people
break out some ribs

741
00:31:43,736 --> 00:31:46,822
and an open flame, suddenly
we need law enforcement.

742
00:31:48,741 --> 00:31:52,161
They called the cops on
a little eight year old
black girl

743
00:31:52,202 --> 00:31:53,662
for selling water.

744
00:31:53,704 --> 00:31:56,040
I was like, here's an idea,
buy a bottle of water,

745
00:31:56,081 --> 00:31:59,627
take it to the barbecue
and make a friend.

746
00:31:59,668 --> 00:32:01,378
You know what I'm saying?
You don't need the cops.

747
00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:03,589
And I'm not worried about me,
I'm trying to help people.

748
00:32:03,631 --> 00:32:04,882
I ain't worried about me.

749
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:06,467
Ain't nobody calling
the cops on me

750
00:32:06,508 --> 00:32:08,844
cause I know how to
stay ahead of the game.

751
00:32:08,886 --> 00:32:10,429
That's right, I figured it out.

752
00:32:10,471 --> 00:32:12,848
You can't call the cops
on me, you know why?

753
00:32:12,890 --> 00:32:16,435
Because everything I do,
I do at the police station.

754
00:32:16,477 --> 00:32:17,936
(audience laughing)

755
00:32:17,978 --> 00:32:20,939
Now you can't call the
cops if I'm already there.

756
00:32:20,981 --> 00:32:21,982
You wanna have coffee?

757
00:32:22,024 --> 00:32:25,152
Meet me at the 17th precinct.

758
00:32:25,194 --> 00:32:26,779
They got a coffee pot
and a lobby.

759
00:32:26,820 --> 00:32:30,574
We'll just hang out for
a little while, right?

760
00:32:30,616 --> 00:32:32,660
They follow black people
around in the mall,

761
00:32:32,701 --> 00:32:35,454
not following me 'cause
I don't go to the mall.

762
00:32:35,496 --> 00:32:37,915
Everything I buy,
I buy online,

763
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:39,583
deliver it to the precinct.

764
00:32:39,625 --> 00:32:41,377
(audience laughing)

765
00:32:41,418 --> 00:32:42,920
I just show up with my I.D.

766
00:32:42,961 --> 00:32:46,131
Hello officer, I believe
you have a package for me.

767
00:32:46,173 --> 00:32:47,883
Right, he's like, would
you stop doing this?

768
00:32:47,925 --> 00:32:49,927
I'm like, wasn't me,
it was Siri.

769
00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:51,720
Where's my box?
Give me my box.

770
00:32:51,762 --> 00:32:57,685
(audience laughing,
applauding)

771
00:32:57,726 --> 00:33:00,562
I stay ahead of the cops, man,
stay ahead of the cops.

772
00:33:00,604 --> 00:33:03,524
Sold my car.
Got rid of my car.

773
00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:06,985
Drive a pickup truck now.
You know why?

774
00:33:07,027 --> 00:33:10,114
-'Cause black people
don't drive pickup trucks.
-(audience laughing)

775
00:33:10,155 --> 00:33:13,409
I don't know how I didn't
think of this 20 years ago.

776
00:33:13,450 --> 00:33:15,703
I'm on the road now, I'm
getting away with murder.

777
00:33:15,744 --> 00:33:19,498
I was on the freeway doing 80
miles an hour, cop just waved.

778
00:33:19,540 --> 00:33:20,999
(audience laughing)

779
00:33:21,041 --> 00:33:24,002
I don't stop at stop
signs, turn signals,

780
00:33:24,044 --> 00:33:26,714
I don't give a shit,
I'm in a truck, right?

781
00:33:26,755 --> 00:33:28,465
One cop, I think
he was on to me

782
00:33:28,507 --> 00:33:30,843
'cause he started following
me, but I got away

783
00:33:30,884 --> 00:33:33,303
'cause I got an NRA sticker
on the back of my truck.

784
00:33:33,345 --> 00:33:35,639
(audience laughing,
applauding)

785
00:33:35,681 --> 00:33:39,560
He was like, nah, he going to
stand his ground somewhere,

786
00:33:39,601 --> 00:33:43,313
-he's all right.
-(audience laughing)

787
00:33:43,355 --> 00:33:44,398
Here's my thing, right?

788
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:46,108
If you're gonna be racist,

789
00:33:46,150 --> 00:33:49,737
at least be consistent
in your racism, okay?

790
00:33:49,778 --> 00:33:51,447
And I'll give you an
example of what I mean.

791
00:33:51,488 --> 00:33:53,657
There's a common belief
amongst white people

792
00:33:53,699 --> 00:33:57,453
that all large black men
are pro athletes, right?

793
00:33:57,494 --> 00:34:00,080
I get this everyday, like,
wow, do you play pro football?

794
00:34:00,122 --> 00:34:03,584
Yes, I'm the oldest
man in the NFL.

795
00:34:03,625 --> 00:34:06,670
I've been in the league
approximately 35 years
now and...

796
00:34:08,630 --> 00:34:10,758
But here's my thing, if you're
gonna make the assumption

797
00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:13,135
that we're pro athletes,
then be consistent

798
00:34:13,177 --> 00:34:16,722
and also assume that if you
see us in an expensive store,

799
00:34:16,764 --> 00:34:20,017
we can afford to
be there, right?

800
00:34:20,058 --> 00:34:22,269
-In Milwaukee--
-(audience applauding)

801
00:34:22,311 --> 00:34:23,812
Thank you.

802
00:34:23,854 --> 00:34:25,314
In Milwaukee, black man,

803
00:34:25,355 --> 00:34:27,357
six foot eight
in a jewelry store

804
00:34:27,399 --> 00:34:29,359
and they called the cops.

805
00:34:29,401 --> 00:34:31,987
If you see a black man,
six foot eight, in Milwaukee,

806
00:34:32,029 --> 00:34:35,491
he's in the NBA, all right?

807
00:34:35,532 --> 00:34:39,077
You know how I know?
He's in Milwaukee.

808
00:34:39,119 --> 00:34:40,954
Black people ain't just
kicking it in Milwaukee,

809
00:34:40,996 --> 00:34:42,206
you know what I'm saying?

810
00:34:42,247 --> 00:34:43,916
You're only an
hour from Chicago,

811
00:34:43,957 --> 00:34:46,794
ain't nobody black just
hanging out in Milwaukee.

812
00:34:46,835 --> 00:34:48,086
Assume he's a ball player.

813
00:34:48,128 --> 00:34:50,172
At least give him
the benefit of the doubt

814
00:34:50,214 --> 00:34:54,593
and assume he's a successful
drug dealer, all right?

815
00:34:54,635 --> 00:34:56,804
But he's not stealing
anything, too obvious,

816
00:34:56,845 --> 00:34:58,806
too easy to identify.

817
00:34:58,847 --> 00:35:00,390
Again, they're not
getting me,

818
00:35:00,432 --> 00:35:02,142
'cause when I'm in
an expensive store,

819
00:35:02,184 --> 00:35:04,353
not only am I not
stealing anything,

820
00:35:04,394 --> 00:35:07,648
I'm keeping an eye
on the white people.

821
00:35:07,689 --> 00:35:09,858
That's right, 'cause I know
if something comes up missing,

822
00:35:09,900 --> 00:35:12,069
that's my ass.

823
00:35:12,110 --> 00:35:13,904
I'm looking at white people,
hey ah, put it back.

824
00:35:13,946 --> 00:35:15,572
Put it back.

825
00:35:15,614 --> 00:35:18,867
No, you tried it on, now
put, I see those sunglasses.

826
00:35:18,909 --> 00:35:20,786
I'm watching your ass, right?

827
00:35:20,828 --> 00:35:24,373
I'm looking at security,
like, relax, I got this.

828
00:35:24,414 --> 00:35:27,084
Ain't nothing coming
up missing on my shift.

829
00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:30,003
(audience laughing)

830
00:35:30,045 --> 00:35:31,964
(sighs)

831
00:35:32,005 --> 00:35:35,133
So I got one I can't
figure out yet.

832
00:35:35,175 --> 00:35:39,304
I'm not sure if this is like
heavy weight or light weight.

833
00:35:39,346 --> 00:35:42,057
So I think it's kind of
a light weight observation

834
00:35:42,099 --> 00:35:43,392
about a heavy weight topic.

835
00:35:45,727 --> 00:35:48,105
-Gays.
-(audience laughing quietly)

836
00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:51,650
Yeah see, you guys are like
oh, where's he going with this?

837
00:35:51,692 --> 00:35:53,193
So here's the thing,
and I don't know

838
00:35:53,235 --> 00:35:54,987
how I never
noticed this before,

839
00:35:55,028 --> 00:35:57,823
but ever since I noticed it,
it's bothered me a little bit.

840
00:35:57,865 --> 00:35:59,825
June is Gay Pride month, right?

841
00:35:59,867 --> 00:36:02,077
Everybody knows that.
June is Gay Pride month.

842
00:36:02,119 --> 00:36:05,622
And February is
Black History month.

843
00:36:05,664 --> 00:36:09,167
How did they get
a longer month than us?

844
00:36:09,209 --> 00:36:11,003
(audience laughing)

845
00:36:11,044 --> 00:36:13,297
That just seems something
wrong with that.

846
00:36:13,338 --> 00:36:15,591
I'm not anti-gay,
I'm just saying

847
00:36:15,632 --> 00:36:17,217
that how did they
get a better month?

848
00:36:17,259 --> 00:36:18,802
I don't want to take
their month away,

849
00:36:18,844 --> 00:36:20,220
but maybe we should get July,

850
00:36:20,262 --> 00:36:23,348
it has an extra day, something.

851
00:36:23,390 --> 00:36:27,102
Right, because February
is a bullshit month.

852
00:36:27,144 --> 00:36:28,687
Nobody likes February.

853
00:36:28,729 --> 00:36:30,397
It's one more
month of winter.

854
00:36:30,439 --> 00:36:34,693
It's cold and miserable,
meanwhile June is beautiful.

855
00:36:34,735 --> 00:36:37,738
Flowers are blooming,
the weather's warm,
school let's out.

856
00:36:37,779 --> 00:36:41,491
I'm like, this ain't right, but
I don't know who to complain to

857
00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:45,037
'cause I don't know who's
in charge of months.

858
00:36:45,078 --> 00:36:47,289
I don't know who
handles that, right?

859
00:36:47,331 --> 00:36:50,375
Can't go to the
Trump administration.

860
00:36:50,417 --> 00:36:52,085
Imagine telling Trump
administration that

861
00:36:52,127 --> 00:36:55,005
the black people
are mad at the gays.

862
00:36:55,047 --> 00:36:58,383
They'd be like quick,
let's arm both sides.

863
00:36:58,425 --> 00:37:00,552
(audience laughing)

864
00:37:00,594 --> 00:37:03,639
This works out, we can
get two months back.

865
00:37:07,100 --> 00:37:08,560
Here's another thing with

866
00:37:08,602 --> 00:37:11,688
the alternative
lifestyle community,

867
00:37:11,730 --> 00:37:13,857
they want another Q,
all right?

868
00:37:13,899 --> 00:37:15,233
And I'll explain what I mean,

869
00:37:15,275 --> 00:37:17,694
it's L-G-B-T-Q, right?

870
00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:21,073
Lesbian, gay, bi-sexual,
trans-gender and queer

871
00:37:21,114 --> 00:37:23,450
and it's been that way and
it took me time to learn it,

872
00:37:23,492 --> 00:37:25,118
but I've learned it,
I respect that.

873
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:27,579
I will call you whatever
you want to be called,

874
00:37:27,621 --> 00:37:31,708
but now they want
another Q for question.

875
00:37:31,750 --> 00:37:34,169
And my answer is no.

876
00:37:34,211 --> 00:37:36,713
(audience laughing)

877
00:37:36,755 --> 00:37:39,091
No, I don't buy it.
I don't buy the question thing.

878
00:37:39,132 --> 00:37:40,842
Listen, I don't judge,
live your life.

879
00:37:40,884 --> 00:37:46,139
I don't care who puts
what where, into who,

880
00:37:46,181 --> 00:37:47,766
but the moment it goes in,

881
00:37:47,808 --> 00:37:50,352
your question has been answered.

882
00:37:50,394 --> 00:37:55,190
(audience laughing,
applauding)

883
00:37:57,651 --> 00:38:01,571
There is no more question
at that point, right?

884
00:38:01,613 --> 00:38:06,118
All you have to do is pay
attention to the reaction, okay?

885
00:38:06,159 --> 00:38:09,413
Now if it goes in and
you hear like, woo yeah.

886
00:38:09,454 --> 00:38:12,165
That's one answer, right?

887
00:38:12,207 --> 00:38:14,626
And if it goes in and
you hear, oh no, oh!

888
00:38:14,668 --> 00:38:16,878
That's another answer.

889
00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:19,256
But one way or the other, we've
solved that little mystery,

890
00:38:19,297 --> 00:38:21,466
haven't we?

891
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:25,595
Ah.

892
00:38:25,637 --> 00:38:28,890
So, I was talking
about my nieces.

893
00:38:28,932 --> 00:38:33,061
I love my nieces, I mean
they're young, millennials.

894
00:38:33,103 --> 00:38:35,022
I like the millennials.

895
00:38:35,063 --> 00:38:37,274
I used to pick on
millennials, everyone's all,

896
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,192
oh, make fun, I don't
make fun of millenials.

897
00:38:39,234 --> 00:38:42,237
'Cause you know,
I felt guilty, right?

898
00:38:42,279 --> 00:38:44,614
'Cause they can't
defend themselves.

899
00:38:44,656 --> 00:38:45,866
(audience laughing)

900
00:38:45,907 --> 00:38:47,951
They have no defenses
because they were raised

901
00:38:47,993 --> 00:38:49,745
with no predators,
you know what I mean?

902
00:38:49,786 --> 00:38:53,832
So, they never developed
any natural defense mechanism.

903
00:38:53,874 --> 00:38:57,210
It's like a house cat outside.

904
00:38:57,252 --> 00:39:01,548
Got no claws,
can't climb trees, you know.

905
00:39:01,590 --> 00:39:04,092
And I like 'em, they're
good people, you know,

906
00:39:04,134 --> 00:39:08,221
but sometimes I'll see one,
I'll see one out in the wild.

907
00:39:08,263 --> 00:39:10,724
Right, and it's all by itself,
it's off in the corner,

908
00:39:10,766 --> 00:39:13,101
right and it's looking
at its little screen

909
00:39:13,143 --> 00:39:16,855
and it's sad 'cause it doesn't
have enough followers, right?

910
00:39:16,897 --> 00:39:20,400
And I walk up and
I make noise, I make noise

911
00:39:20,442 --> 00:39:21,693
'cause you can't
sneak up on 'em

912
00:39:21,735 --> 00:39:22,736
cause they're used
to the screen.

913
00:39:22,778 --> 00:39:24,404
They're not used to real.

914
00:39:24,446 --> 00:39:27,074
So I make noise
and I go right up to 'em

915
00:39:27,115 --> 00:39:30,869
and I smile and
I give 'em a trophy.

916
00:39:30,911 --> 00:39:32,245
(audience laughing)

917
00:39:32,287 --> 00:39:35,957
And they feel better
about themselves.

918
00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:37,876
Oh, you participated, yes.

919
00:39:40,670 --> 00:39:42,756
I do joke about 'em,
but I get it.

920
00:39:42,798 --> 00:39:44,382
They're upset, man,
they got it rough.

921
00:39:44,424 --> 00:39:46,760
This is the first generation
that probably won't

922
00:39:46,802 --> 00:39:48,929
live better than
their parents, right?

923
00:39:48,970 --> 00:39:51,848
That sucks.
They're the most over
educated, underemployed

924
00:39:51,890 --> 00:39:53,433
generation we've ever had.

925
00:39:53,475 --> 00:39:55,393
You know, I joke
about coffee shops.

926
00:39:55,435 --> 00:39:57,437
You go to the coffee shop,
person behind the counter

927
00:39:57,479 --> 00:39:59,523
has an advanced degree
in English, right?

928
00:39:59,564 --> 00:40:02,150
Still can't spell your name,
which I don't understand but...

929
00:40:02,192 --> 00:40:03,819
(audience laughing)

930
00:40:03,860 --> 00:40:05,987
but they ain't making enough
to pay their student loans

931
00:40:06,029 --> 00:40:08,448
and they're upset
and they care.

932
00:40:08,490 --> 00:40:10,242
That's the thing
about 'em, they care.

933
00:40:10,283 --> 00:40:12,577
They're genuine, they're
not like us greedy,

934
00:40:12,619 --> 00:40:14,663
materialistic generation, right?

935
00:40:14,704 --> 00:40:17,082
They care.
Like, I have one niece,

936
00:40:17,124 --> 00:40:20,043
she's like a super-millennial.
She's always on a cause, right?

937
00:40:20,085 --> 00:40:22,629
So now, her thing,
she wants to save the planet.

938
00:40:22,671 --> 00:40:25,257
Right, she cares
and I feel bad

939
00:40:25,298 --> 00:40:27,342
when I tell her that I
don't really give a shit

940
00:40:27,384 --> 00:40:29,553
about the planet, right?

941
00:40:29,594 --> 00:40:32,430
Because, for one thing,
I don't have kids,

942
00:40:32,472 --> 00:40:35,392
so I'm not really worried about
the next generation, right?

943
00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:38,103
And let's be honest,
I'm a black man in my 50's.

944
00:40:38,145 --> 00:40:40,188
I got what,
like 10 years left?

945
00:40:40,230 --> 00:40:41,606
-(audience reacts)
-You know what I'm saying?

946
00:40:41,648 --> 00:40:43,108
Oh, you saying no,
statistically,

947
00:40:43,150 --> 00:40:45,610
us black men die
in their mid 60's.

948
00:40:45,652 --> 00:40:47,487
Everybody be all, but you
look great, you look healthy.

949
00:40:47,529 --> 00:40:49,281
Like yeah, now,

950
00:40:49,322 --> 00:40:51,491
now, but you know, 10
years from now be like,

951
00:40:51,533 --> 00:40:53,118
man, what happened?
He died.

952
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:54,911
From what?
Black.

953
00:40:54,953 --> 00:40:56,204
(audience laughing)

954
00:40:56,246 --> 00:40:58,582
Son of a bitch been
black his whole life, man,

955
00:40:58,623 --> 00:40:59,749
shit just caught up with him.

956
00:40:59,791 --> 00:41:01,126
We knew it was gonna happen.

957
00:41:03,879 --> 00:41:05,547
You know?
And when I die,

958
00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:08,925
when I die, I hope
they just let me rest.

959
00:41:08,967 --> 00:41:11,303
Whenever some event's going on,

960
00:41:11,344 --> 00:41:13,221
and the dead person's,
and they're like,

961
00:41:13,263 --> 00:41:14,764
well he's there with us.

962
00:41:14,806 --> 00:41:17,142
No, I don't want to
be there with you.

963
00:41:17,184 --> 00:41:18,435
I served my time.

964
00:41:18,476 --> 00:41:20,437
Just let me lay there dead.

965
00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:22,189
They're like, we all going
to the game well he's with,

966
00:41:22,230 --> 00:41:24,065
no, I'm not with you.

967
00:41:24,107 --> 00:41:26,276
I'm tired, I be resting.

968
00:41:26,318 --> 00:41:28,320
(audience laughing)

969
00:41:28,361 --> 00:41:31,615
I'm sorry, I'm not planning
on no long ass life,

970
00:41:31,656 --> 00:41:33,491
not with my health insurance.

971
00:41:33,533 --> 00:41:35,952
(audience laughing)

972
00:41:35,994 --> 00:41:38,997
Every year, my
premiums don't go up,

973
00:41:39,039 --> 00:41:40,999
my coverage goes down.

974
00:41:41,041 --> 00:41:42,876
They always hit me
with some ridiculous,

975
00:41:42,918 --> 00:41:44,169
so this is the
latest thing I got.

976
00:41:44,211 --> 00:41:46,129
I got an email from my
health insurance company.

977
00:41:46,171 --> 00:41:48,256
They said, listen,
you're out of town,

978
00:41:48,298 --> 00:41:51,426
if you're away from home,
if you have an emergency,

979
00:41:51,468 --> 00:41:53,553
you can go to the
emergency room.

980
00:41:53,595 --> 00:41:56,056
Otherwise, dial this number

981
00:41:56,097 --> 00:41:58,308
and you can video
chat with a doctor.

982
00:41:59,976 --> 00:42:02,312
Yeah, that's what I'm down
to, video chat, right?

983
00:42:02,354 --> 00:42:05,607
So now I need surgery and
the doctor's gonna be like,

984
00:42:05,649 --> 00:42:08,443
all right, go to the kitchen--

985
00:42:08,485 --> 00:42:11,363
(audience laughing)

986
00:42:11,404 --> 00:42:15,867
Find a very sharp knife, right?

987
00:42:15,909 --> 00:42:19,162
Now they find my ass dead
on the kitchen floor.

988
00:42:19,204 --> 00:42:20,038
Like, what happened?

989
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:21,581
Oh, he lost a signal.

990
00:42:21,623 --> 00:42:23,875
(audience laughing)

991
00:42:23,917 --> 00:42:25,543
He was right in the
middle of the procedure

992
00:42:25,585 --> 00:42:27,754
and he lost the
signal, he shoulda--

993
00:42:27,796 --> 00:42:30,423
(audience laughing)

994
00:42:30,465 --> 00:42:31,841
No, but getting back to it,

995
00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:33,510
so she wants to save
the planet, right?

996
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:36,137
So I'm a car and
motorcycle guy. I love that.

997
00:42:36,179 --> 00:42:38,932
She's like, you need to
get an electric car, right?

998
00:42:38,974 --> 00:42:40,392
You need to help the planet,
get an electric car.

999
00:42:40,433 --> 00:42:42,852
So I play along, I look.

1000
00:42:42,894 --> 00:42:48,024
Do you know a Tesla
costs like $90,000?

1001
00:42:48,066 --> 00:42:53,697
You know how much gas
I can buy for $90,000?

1002
00:42:53,738 --> 00:42:55,782
I'm like, man, I drive
this pickup truck

1003
00:42:55,824 --> 00:42:59,202
around the world for 90 grand.

1004
00:42:59,244 --> 00:43:01,121
So she like, wait, no you
don't have to get a Tesla,

1005
00:43:01,162 --> 00:43:02,205
you don't have to
get the Tesla,

1006
00:43:02,247 --> 00:43:04,666
you could just get a Prius.

1007
00:43:04,708 --> 00:43:05,709
Look at me.

1008
00:43:05,750 --> 00:43:07,085
(audience laughing)

1009
00:43:07,127 --> 00:43:10,213
Look at me, can you see
me driving a damn Prius?

1010
00:43:10,255 --> 00:43:13,258
Be like, wow, apparently
Alonzo's given up sex.

1011
00:43:14,884 --> 00:43:16,636
He really cares
about the planet.

1012
00:43:16,678 --> 00:43:19,097
He just dropped right
out of the pussy game.

1013
00:43:19,139 --> 00:43:22,600
He's in a Prius now.

1014
00:43:22,642 --> 00:43:25,895
Not driving no damn Prius!

1015
00:43:25,937 --> 00:43:28,606
Why is that?
Why is it that doing
the right thing

1016
00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:31,443
is always the most expensive
thing in the world, right?

1017
00:43:31,484 --> 00:43:33,611
Try to eat healthy,
ever try to eat healthy?

1018
00:43:33,653 --> 00:43:35,488
I ain't got that kind of money.

1019
00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:39,784
Go to a restaurant,
a kale salad is like $25.

1020
00:43:39,826 --> 00:43:42,245
Right, meanwhile,
you go to Taco Bell,

1021
00:43:42,287 --> 00:43:44,331
give them $5.00,
they hand you a box,

1022
00:43:44,372 --> 00:43:47,917
-point at the menu,
anything you want.
-(audience laughing)

1023
00:43:47,959 --> 00:43:51,504
And then we got the
chalupas and the laloopa,

1024
00:43:51,546 --> 00:43:53,173
just look, we don't even
know what the hell it is,

1025
00:43:53,214 --> 00:43:54,924
just you know,
here's a second box.

1026
00:43:54,966 --> 00:43:56,509
Fill that up,
we don't give a shit.

1027
00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:58,470
And guess what? We'll throw in
a gallon of Coke

1028
00:43:58,511 --> 00:44:02,515
because Coca Cola
is basically free.

1029
00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:04,351
I don't know what's
in Coca Cola.

1030
00:44:04,392 --> 00:44:07,103
It is the cheapest liquid
known to man, okay?

1031
00:44:07,145 --> 00:44:08,772
Now I'm a little older.

1032
00:44:08,813 --> 00:44:12,025
I can remember there used to
be a thing called a small Coke.

1033
00:44:12,067 --> 00:44:14,319
That doesn't even exist anymore.

1034
00:44:14,361 --> 00:44:17,697
You go to 7-11, give 'em $0.99,

1035
00:44:17,739 --> 00:44:20,700
they just hand you
the hose, fill it up!

1036
00:44:20,742 --> 00:44:22,410
Whatever the hell you
want, as much as you want.

1037
00:44:22,452 --> 00:44:24,746
$0.99 yeah, take a barrel,
we don't give a shit.

1038
00:44:27,999 --> 00:44:30,043
So I give you a little
inside info on that.

1039
00:44:30,085 --> 00:44:32,253
So I'm taping this
special, right?

1040
00:44:32,295 --> 00:44:33,755
Now whenever
you tape something,

1041
00:44:33,797 --> 00:44:35,382
whenever something's
gonna be on air,

1042
00:44:35,423 --> 00:44:37,092
the lawyers have to see it.

1043
00:44:37,133 --> 00:44:39,219
They have to either read
a transcript or watch it.

1044
00:44:39,260 --> 00:44:42,263
So they videoed this and
they sent it to the lawyers

1045
00:44:42,305 --> 00:44:44,182
and the lawyers got
back to me and said,

1046
00:44:44,224 --> 00:44:48,103
Alonzo, we need to talk
about the Taco Bell joke.

1047
00:44:48,144 --> 00:44:49,354
(audience laughing)

1048
00:44:49,396 --> 00:44:51,106
What?
And they said, well, well,

1049
00:44:51,147 --> 00:44:54,526
technically a chalupa
is a real thing.

1050
00:44:54,567 --> 00:44:57,195
So you can't just say
chalupas cause that's real

1051
00:44:57,237 --> 00:45:00,865
and they said, also,
Taco Bell does not sell Coke.

1052
00:45:00,907 --> 00:45:03,368
They sell Pepsi products.

1053
00:45:03,410 --> 00:45:05,495
And I was like, well
that's all well and good,

1054
00:45:05,537 --> 00:45:08,957
but Pepsi ain't funny.

1055
00:45:08,998 --> 00:45:12,043
Nobody's ever heard
a good Pepsi joke.

1056
00:45:12,085 --> 00:45:13,628
I'm like, so here's
an idea, how about

1057
00:45:13,670 --> 00:45:16,714
I do the Coke joke and you
do some fancy lawyering

1058
00:45:16,756 --> 00:45:18,425
and help me get away with it.

1059
00:45:18,466 --> 00:45:21,344
(audience laughing,
applauding)

1060
00:45:21,386 --> 00:45:23,054
Yeah, and then they,
here's what they said,

1061
00:45:23,096 --> 00:45:26,182
they said, oh, we have
to do some lawyering,

1062
00:45:26,224 --> 00:45:27,976
but you video chat
with your doctor.

1063
00:45:28,017 --> 00:45:31,688
-I said, shut up.
-(audience laughing)

1064
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:33,648
So eh, I don't know, man.

1065
00:45:33,690 --> 00:45:35,066
It's strange, right?

1066
00:45:35,108 --> 00:45:37,902
We live in a strange time
in a strange society.

1067
00:45:40,780 --> 00:45:44,117
We have a thing now,
I call it selective stupidity

1068
00:45:44,159 --> 00:45:48,663
because people just
choose to be dumb,

1069
00:45:48,705 --> 00:45:50,498
to believe anything
they want, right?

1070
00:45:50,540 --> 00:45:52,876
'Cause everything's
about the screen, right?

1071
00:45:52,917 --> 00:45:56,546
And thank you for
just enjoying the show

1072
00:45:56,588 --> 00:45:59,340
and not video, 'cause people,
they record everything

1073
00:45:59,382 --> 00:46:00,925
on their phone now, right?

1074
00:46:00,967 --> 00:46:03,219
People live their whole life
through a three inch screen.

1075
00:46:03,261 --> 00:46:06,598
They go a concert or a show,
they're like, I have to video

1076
00:46:06,639 --> 00:46:08,183
and you can't do that.

1077
00:46:08,224 --> 00:46:12,061
Don't waste your memory
recording stuff like this.

1078
00:46:12,103 --> 00:46:13,605
You know why?

1079
00:46:13,646 --> 00:46:17,942
'Cause you never know when a
cop might be whipping your ass.

1080
00:46:17,984 --> 00:46:20,445
Right, now a cop's
whipping your ass,

1081
00:46:20,487 --> 00:46:21,988
you can't stop
the conversation, say,

1082
00:46:22,030 --> 00:46:25,325
excuse me officer, I have
to delete the comedy show

1083
00:46:25,366 --> 00:46:28,620
so that I can record this
ass whooping for posterity.

1084
00:46:28,661 --> 00:46:30,663
So don't record too much garbage

1085
00:46:30,705 --> 00:46:32,582
cause you never know when a
cop's gonna whip your ass,

1086
00:46:32,624 --> 00:46:34,959
-just saying.
-(audience laughing)

1087
00:46:35,001 --> 00:46:36,169
White people are
looking at me like,

1088
00:46:36,211 --> 00:46:37,670
no, we don't
have that problem.

1089
00:46:37,712 --> 00:46:38,796
(audience laughing)

1090
00:46:38,838 --> 00:46:40,590
We'll go ahead and
record the comedy.

1091
00:46:42,967 --> 00:46:45,970
But yeah, this thing,
this social media

1092
00:46:46,012 --> 00:46:48,765
and the video generation,
it's given away

1093
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:50,558
to this selective stupidity

1094
00:46:50,600 --> 00:46:52,644
where people believe
what they want, right?

1095
00:46:52,685 --> 00:46:54,687
So I was talking with
somebody about this

1096
00:46:54,729 --> 00:46:56,731
and they were like,
well everyone's
entitled to an opinion.

1097
00:46:56,773 --> 00:46:58,191
I was like, no, you're not,

1098
00:46:58,233 --> 00:47:00,360
not if there is somebody
who is actually expert

1099
00:47:00,401 --> 00:47:02,862
and you're just some clown
on social media, right?

1100
00:47:02,904 --> 00:47:06,407
So for example, global
warming, we have global warming

1101
00:47:06,449 --> 00:47:08,618
and climate change and
you have scientists,

1102
00:47:08,660 --> 00:47:10,411
people who
have gone to school,

1103
00:47:10,453 --> 00:47:12,914
studied this, measured
the temperature of the oceans,

1104
00:47:12,956 --> 00:47:15,708
the rise, they measure
hurricanes and fires

1105
00:47:15,750 --> 00:47:17,710
and all of that, and then
there's somebody over here,

1106
00:47:17,752 --> 00:47:21,381
well I got 1.6
million followers.

1107
00:47:21,422 --> 00:47:25,510
Well you found 1.6 million
people as dumb as you.

1108
00:47:25,552 --> 00:47:29,389
Like that doesn't make
your opinion valid,
you know what I mean?

1109
00:47:29,430 --> 00:47:31,182
You can't just choose
what you want to believe.

1110
00:47:31,224 --> 00:47:33,893
Science is science
and it's real

1111
00:47:33,935 --> 00:47:36,688
and I'm not saying that
all of these people

1112
00:47:36,729 --> 00:47:38,273
are from the South.

1113
00:47:38,314 --> 00:47:40,817
(audience laughing)

1114
00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:42,402
I know, that's unfair.

1115
00:47:42,443 --> 00:47:44,404
There's a lot of smart
people in the South.

1116
00:47:44,445 --> 00:47:46,281
I went to Huntsville Alabama.

1117
00:47:46,322 --> 00:47:49,200
Huntsville Alabama
is the home of NASA.

1118
00:47:49,242 --> 00:47:50,952
Yeah, I was in the
middle of Alabama

1119
00:47:50,994 --> 00:47:53,871
and I saw a rocket and
NASA and I was like,

1120
00:47:53,913 --> 00:47:55,873
you guys know where you at?

1121
00:47:55,915 --> 00:47:57,625
(audience laughing)

1122
00:47:57,667 --> 00:48:00,295
No, but I'm not saying,
but let's be honest,

1123
00:48:00,336 --> 00:48:02,714
now a preponderance of people.

1124
00:48:02,755 --> 00:48:04,465
They don't like science.

1125
00:48:04,507 --> 00:48:05,842
They love Jesus.

1126
00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:07,427
Okay, and I'm not
knocking Jesus.

1127
00:48:07,468 --> 00:48:08,720
I'm not knocking religion,

1128
00:48:08,761 --> 00:48:10,972
but they're not talking
about love one another

1129
00:48:11,014 --> 00:48:12,390
as you love thyself, Jesus,

1130
00:48:12,432 --> 00:48:15,226
they're talking about,
they got this angry Jesus.

1131
00:48:15,268 --> 00:48:16,728
He just all (growls),

1132
00:48:16,769 --> 00:48:18,980
their Jesus don't
like anybody, right?

1133
00:48:19,022 --> 00:48:20,773
And I'm not anti-religion.

1134
00:48:20,815 --> 00:48:22,859
Tell you the truth,
I love Jesus.

1135
00:48:22,900 --> 00:48:25,612
I hope Jesus comes back,

1136
00:48:25,653 --> 00:48:28,906
but I have a specific
Jesus I want to see.

1137
00:48:28,948 --> 00:48:32,243
I want him to come back as
a Mexican named Hay-soos.

1138
00:48:32,285 --> 00:48:35,246
-(audience laughing)
-That's right.

1139
00:48:35,288 --> 00:48:37,415
And not only that, I
want him to come back

1140
00:48:37,457 --> 00:48:41,377
as a Mexican named Hay-soos,
leading the emigrant caravan

1141
00:48:42,837 --> 00:48:45,590
and they don't know he's Jesus

1142
00:48:45,632 --> 00:48:47,342
til he gets to the
Rio Grande River

1143
00:48:47,383 --> 00:48:49,302
and he walks right
across the top of it.

1144
00:48:50,720 --> 00:48:53,514
And I be laughing my ass off.

1145
00:48:53,556 --> 00:48:56,976
They be like, I don't think
a wall's gonna stop this guy.

1146
00:48:57,018 --> 00:48:59,646
(audience laughing)

1147
00:48:59,687 --> 00:49:01,314
I respect it.
I respect it.

1148
00:49:01,356 --> 00:49:05,109
Speaking of religion,
I was in Israel this year.

1149
00:49:05,151 --> 00:49:06,861
Now this is a
fascinating place, okay?

1150
00:49:06,903 --> 00:49:08,321
If you haven't been to Israel,

1151
00:49:08,363 --> 00:49:10,156
you have to put this
on your bucket list.

1152
00:49:10,198 --> 00:49:12,033
Israel is amazing
and here's why.

1153
00:49:12,075 --> 00:49:13,701
Israel is the birthplace

1154
00:49:13,743 --> 00:49:16,204
of the world's three
major religions, okay?

1155
00:49:16,245 --> 00:49:17,872
And we've all heard
that, we've seen,

1156
00:49:17,914 --> 00:49:20,500
but you don't know it until
you actually go there.

1157
00:49:20,541 --> 00:49:23,252
When you go to Jerusalem,
particularly Old Jerusalem,

1158
00:49:23,294 --> 00:49:25,213
and you see how small it is,

1159
00:49:25,254 --> 00:49:27,924
that's when it really hits,
like wow, this is amazing.

1160
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:30,677
And they coexist and
they respect each other,

1161
00:49:30,718 --> 00:49:32,428
but they have rules, right?

1162
00:49:32,470 --> 00:49:34,806
So like with the Muslims, you
have to wear the Hijab, right?

1163
00:49:34,847 --> 00:49:38,059
You gotta cover your head
and face and stuff, right?

1164
00:49:38,101 --> 00:49:39,727
Then with the Jewish people,

1165
00:49:39,769 --> 00:49:41,521
you go to the Western Wall,
you have to cover your head,

1166
00:49:41,562 --> 00:49:44,899
you have to wear a hat
or a Yamaka, which is
a little difficult

1167
00:49:44,941 --> 00:49:46,526
when you've got
nothing to pin it to,
you know what I'm saying?

1168
00:49:46,567 --> 00:49:50,738
I got no friction, but I
respect it, so you do it, right?

1169
00:49:50,780 --> 00:49:53,449
But then you go to the
church or the Holy Sepulchre,

1170
00:49:53,491 --> 00:49:55,368
the Christian Church,
which they believe

1171
00:49:55,410 --> 00:49:58,621
where Jesus was crucified and
you can't cover your head.

1172
00:49:58,663 --> 00:50:01,082
You have to not wear your
hat, not wear anything.

1173
00:50:01,124 --> 00:50:04,210
And I respect it and I'm
listening to all this

1174
00:50:04,252 --> 00:50:06,462
and I got to thinking
and I was like,

1175
00:50:06,504 --> 00:50:11,759
you really think it
comes down to your hat?

1176
00:50:11,801 --> 00:50:14,095
You know what I mean?
Do you think like
on judgment day,

1177
00:50:14,137 --> 00:50:15,680
you're gonna meet God
and he's gonna be like,

1178
00:50:15,722 --> 00:50:17,306
listen, you're
a great person.

1179
00:50:17,348 --> 00:50:21,227
You did some really
good things, but uh,

1180
00:50:21,269 --> 00:50:22,311
you wore the wrong hat.

1181
00:50:22,353 --> 00:50:23,855
(audience laughing)

1182
00:50:23,896 --> 00:50:25,314
I mean, I'd love
to let you in here,

1183
00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:27,692
but rules are rules, right?

1184
00:50:27,734 --> 00:50:29,318
Or maybe it's like,
yeah, you shouldn't

1185
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:31,487
have been wearing
the hat, but you were.

1186
00:50:31,529 --> 00:50:32,739
It's gonna be hot down there,

1187
00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:33,990
might wanna bring
your hat with you.

1188
00:50:34,031 --> 00:50:36,951
(audience laughing)

1189
00:50:36,993 --> 00:50:38,494
I do those jokes
and people like,

1190
00:50:38,536 --> 00:50:40,329
man, you shouldn't
joke about religion.

1191
00:50:40,371 --> 00:50:42,290
Shouldn't joke about Jesus.

1192
00:50:42,331 --> 00:50:43,666
You think Jesus doesn't,

1193
00:50:43,708 --> 00:50:45,585
you think God doesn't
have a sense of humor?

1194
00:50:45,626 --> 00:50:48,421
I guarantee you Jesus and God,
there's a sense of humor.

1195
00:50:48,463 --> 00:50:50,256
I'm sure Jesus
is like, (laughing)

1196
00:50:50,298 --> 00:50:53,092
hey God, he was chasing
him with the chainsaw.

1197
00:50:53,134 --> 00:50:55,636
That was a good one,
that was a good one.

1198
00:50:55,678 --> 00:50:57,430
I like how you
made the grass wet.

1199
00:50:57,472 --> 00:50:58,639
That was funny.

1200
00:50:58,681 --> 00:51:01,601
(audience laughing)

1201
00:51:03,060 --> 00:51:05,146
Israel, again, fascinating.

1202
00:51:05,188 --> 00:51:08,399
The tour book for Israel
is the Bible, okay?

1203
00:51:08,441 --> 00:51:10,735
When you travel through
Israel, yeah, yeah,

1204
00:51:10,777 --> 00:51:14,280
it's actually like this is
where it happened, you know?

1205
00:51:14,322 --> 00:51:16,908
And again, you have to be
there to get it, right?

1206
00:51:16,949 --> 00:51:20,536
So we were in a town
called Beit Shemesh

1207
00:51:20,578 --> 00:51:21,996
and we get there
and they're like,

1208
00:51:22,038 --> 00:51:23,956
yeah, this is where
David fought Goliath.

1209
00:51:23,998 --> 00:51:25,833
What?

1210
00:51:25,875 --> 00:51:26,918
And they're like yeah,
this is where David,

1211
00:51:26,959 --> 00:51:28,336
I was like, what?

1212
00:51:28,377 --> 00:51:30,838
Like I'm impressed
with a UFC fight,

1213
00:51:30,880 --> 00:51:32,256
you know what I'm saying?

1214
00:51:32,298 --> 00:51:35,551
Like they had David
versus Goliath, you know?

1215
00:51:35,593 --> 00:51:37,053
And they're like,
yeah, right up there,

1216
00:51:37,094 --> 00:51:40,598
up the hill, that's where
Samson got his hair cut

1217
00:51:40,640 --> 00:51:42,558
and then go over there,
down in the valley,

1218
00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:44,644
that's the river, that's
where Jesus was baptized.

1219
00:51:44,685 --> 00:51:46,896
Like this is all real
and I'm fascinated

1220
00:51:46,938 --> 00:51:48,773
and the Jewish people,
you know,

1221
00:51:48,815 --> 00:51:51,025
Israel, they've been
through a lot of shit

1222
00:51:51,067 --> 00:51:53,861
and they don't mind
telling you about it.

1223
00:51:53,903 --> 00:51:55,655
Oh, they got a lot
of stories, man.

1224
00:51:55,696 --> 00:51:57,573
We were wandering
the desert, I'm like,

1225
00:51:57,615 --> 00:51:59,075
oh, this is gonna be
a long one.

1226
00:51:59,116 --> 00:52:02,286
(audience laughing)

1227
00:52:02,328 --> 00:52:03,913
But I respect it, you know,

1228
00:52:03,955 --> 00:52:05,206
they've been through a lot,
but they're going on and on,

1229
00:52:05,248 --> 00:52:06,457
but after a while, I'm like,

1230
00:52:06,499 --> 00:52:08,125
well you know,
wait a minute now,

1231
00:52:08,167 --> 00:52:10,878
you're not the only people
who've been through some shit.

1232
00:52:10,920 --> 00:52:12,547
You know what I'm saying?
Black people, like we've been,

1233
00:52:12,588 --> 00:52:14,507
like I'm thinking,
I'm black American, you know.

1234
00:52:14,549 --> 00:52:16,551
We had slavery, right?

1235
00:52:16,592 --> 00:52:18,678
So in the back of
my mind, I'm like,

1236
00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:21,305
I'm gonna play the slave card.

1237
00:52:21,347 --> 00:52:23,641
Right, when there's a little
lull in the conversation,

1238
00:52:23,683 --> 00:52:25,935
I'm gonna throw
slavery in here.

1239
00:52:25,977 --> 00:52:27,520
So sure enough there's
a moment and I said,

1240
00:52:27,562 --> 00:52:29,438
sir, I respect everything
you've been through,

1241
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:32,108
I said, but you know, we
black people, we were slaves.

1242
00:52:32,149 --> 00:52:33,901
He didn't miss a beat,
looked right at me.

1243
00:52:33,943 --> 00:52:35,194
How many times?

1244
00:52:35,236 --> 00:52:36,654
Oh!

1245
00:52:37,822 --> 00:52:39,365
I forget, and he's like, yeah.

1246
00:52:39,407 --> 00:52:40,741
Yeah, yeah, you
see those pyramids?

1247
00:52:40,783 --> 00:52:42,660
Yeah, you thought
cotton was heavy?

1248
00:52:42,702 --> 00:52:43,786
I was like, shit.

1249
00:52:43,828 --> 00:52:45,705
(audience laughing)

1250
00:52:45,746 --> 00:52:47,290
I've been out slaved.

1251
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:50,418
Kanye!

1252
00:52:50,459 --> 00:52:51,627
(audience laughing)

1253
00:52:51,669 --> 00:52:56,007
I'm Alonzo Bodden, thank
you guys for laughing.

1254
00:52:56,048 --> 00:52:57,550
Thanks for coming out.

1255
00:52:57,592 --> 00:52:58,342
Thank you.

1256
00:52:59,677 --> 00:53:01,012
Have a good night.

1257
00:53:01,053 --> 00:53:03,723
(audience cheering,
applauding)

1258
00:53:03,764 --> 00:53:05,600
That's great, thank you.

1259
00:53:05,641 --> 00:53:10,563
-(audience applauding)
-(cheery jazzy music)