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-♪ All the queen's men ♪ -♪ Uh ♪
♪ Yeah, whoo ♪
-♪ All the queen's men ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
-♪ All the queen's men ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪
[audience cheering]
Yeah!
Thank you, DJ.
How y'all feeling tonight? Y'all looking good.
Yes!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the beautiful Faena Theater
in Miami Beach, Florida.
-[audience cheers] -Yes! Y'all look amazing tonight.
Y'all look amazing. Y'all look amazing.
I'm telling y'all.
I'm Sommore, your host.
[cheering]
So, let me tell y'all a little bit about All The Queen's Men.
I've been doing stand-up comedy for 25 years.
Yes, 25 years.
Not only do I absolutely love standup comedy,
I am a stand-up comedy connoisseur. Okay?
I know the bullshit from the real shit.
I've seen them come, I've seen them go.
I have hand selected each and every one of these gentlemen
that you will see tonight.
I guarantee they're funny.
Y'all are gonna see them.
I just wanted to take the opportunity to present them in a way
that I think they should be presented.
I think they're underrated.
But tonight, we are going to give them an opportunity to shine. All right?
[cheers and applause]
[Sommore] That's right. I'm loving it. Fucking loving it.
I'm just glad that y'all came out.
I'm loving that the room is racially mixed.
I do. I love that It's racially mixed.
I knew the Black people were going to show up.
What? Because Black people, that's what the fuck we do.
[audience laughs]
Oh, you tell us and we're there.
You see what we did for Black Panther? What?
Record breaking numbers.
Oh, we did the goddamn thing with Black Panther this year.
Don't bullshit.
Black Panther did $300 million at the box office, first week out.
[audience cheering]
They said they did $300 million at the box office,
but only did $300 at the concession stand.
[audience laughing]
We was up in there with our own motherfucking chicken wings.
They had catfish nuggets in that bitch.
Bitches brought potato salad to the theatre and shit.
They ain't make no money off of concessions.
They said one theater had so much aluminum foil in that bitch,
nobody's cell phone work. That shit was crazy.
We did the goddamn thing for Black Panther.
And it's crazy, 'cause I ain't seen the movie yet.
I ain't seen the movie yet.
Shit. Because y'all know my motto.
Any movie I ain't in, I bootleg that bitch. Fuck it.
[chuckles]
They don't put me in their shit, I don't put them in my shit. Fuck it.
I ain't gonna lie. I had a copy of Black Panther
two weeks before the motherfucker came out.
Everybody in my copy was white.
The motherfucker who sold it to me said,
"If you put some sunglasses on,
it's gonna look like the other one when you watch it."
To be honest with you, I was really too busy to go see it.
But here's the thing. I was just too confused
about what the fuck the movie was about.
Because it was just so many conflicting messages going on.
First of all, the dress code fucked me up.
Okay. Everybody was dressing like the shit was Coming to America.
But the shit was out of Africa.
I said, "What the fuck?"
Them motherfuckers thought it was Black Panther like this.
It was Black Panther like this. Like, what the fuck?
I was just fucking confused.
I didn't know… I didn't know what the fuck it was like.
Like, believe it or not, I was in Black Lives Matter
when it first popped off.
I was in Black Lives Matter for two weeks.
I just didn't know all the rules and regulations of Black Lives Matter.
I'm sitting in the parking lot of a restaurant.
I'm thinking, if I'm in Black Lives Matter,
can I still eat at Cracker Barrel restaurant?
[audience laughing]
No, fuck that, 'cause everybody knows
Cracker Barrel got the bomb-ass catfish. Fuck that.
That's right.
So, I'm in the parking lot, I called one of my thug-ass cousins.
I'm like, "Yo, if I'm in Black Lives Matter,
can I still eat at Cracker Barrel restaurant?"
He was like, "Hell, yeah. Just get that shit to go."
[audience laughing]
"Get that shit to go."
But here's the thing. I've learned by just watching shit on TV,
certain rules and regulations you got to follow.
With all the police brutality, rule number one…
At my age, see, I know certain shit.
Rule number one, you don't talk shit to the police.
You don't talk shit to the police.
For some reason, young people got it fucked up.
What? Young people?
Shit!
Young people talk shit to the police.
The police tell you to stop, put your hands up.
They want to talk shit.
But the DJ tell them stop, put their hands up, they put them up.
Let them stay there.
Oh!
Motherfucker, you can't talk shit to the police.
You can't talk shit to the police.
'Cause that's the bottom line.
But it's like every week it's a new movement, though.
Every week, it's a new movement coming out.
Me Too movement just popped off.
A bitch done called out Morgan Freeman.
I'm like, "Really, bitch?"
Bitch… No, really.
Bitch gonna say Morgan Freeman looked at her the wrong way.
Bitch, Morgan Freeman is 83-years-old.
This motherfucker dealing with cataracts, glaucoma and some more shit.
If he's able to see, let's give him credit.
-[audience laughing] -Right?
[clears throat]
We should lock your ass up for reporting that shit. Really?
He's 83-years-old. Really, bitch?
[Sommore chuckling]
And to be honest with you, here's what I'm scared of.
I'm scared that we getting ready to be so motherfucking sensitive
in this country, that we're gonna end up getting rid of dick pictures.
[faint cheers]
What? Y'all don't like…
I love dick pictures.
-What? -[audience laughing]
Oh! Bitch, don't judge me.
I love… What?
I love a good dick picture.
Now, some women like to get flowers,
some women like to get perfumes.
Bitch, I like to get a good dick picture, fuck that.
Mm.
Say what you want, my Samsung stay hung. Shit.
[audience laughing]
Ooh!
I like a good dick picture.
[chuckles]
When I tell y'all… [chuckles]
Y'all are in for an awesome night of comedy.
I promise you, from beginning to end,
everybody will rock this motherfucking stage.
I promise you. I need you all to keep your energy up,
give them a lot of love.
All right? While we do this, give them a lot of love.
[audience cheering]
Give it up for one of my favorites.
Straight out of Chicago, Illinois, give it up for Damon Williams,
-[audience cheering] -[hip hop music playing]
What's up? What's up?
What's up, y'all? Make some noise, Miami. What's happening?
[audience cheering]
Glad to be here.
Y'all look good. Give it up for yourselves. You look good.
Even though I have no idea what the dress code was.
I'll just look around.
Whatever it was, we covered it. Look around.
There's everything in his room, from cookout to prom.
Look around.
Short sets, tuxedos…
Some of y'all dressed up, some of y'all dressed down.
Hell, some of y'all came together in different cities.
"That what you wearing?" "Is that what you wearing?"
"I don't know where you going."
"Where are you going?"
Fellas, we got to give it up for the ladies for getting dressed,
'cause it's harder for them, right?
For men, it's simple. It's pants, shirt, shoes, socks, drawers. We out.
Tell a dude there's a wedding in 20 minutes,
he'll be ready in 15. Let's ride.
A lady could be going no damn where,
she still got to do hair and makeup.
Match her purse to her shoes.
Try on her whole outfit. Don't like that one.
Change it. Put on some other stuff.
The young girls take a selfie. Just a picture.
Some of y'all got, you know, a little apparatus on your clothing. Um…
I ain't in nobody's business, but there's some under armor in this room.
You hug the wrong woman, you think she's a federal agent.
Like, "Hold on, uh, are you on a case right now?
What is all this?"
"I'm just trying to have a waistline."
Who told y'all waistlines were important?
Me, I don't give a shit about your waist.
Y'all doing that for each other.
I never heard two dudes say, "Yeah, but look at the waist on that one."
You're in here in a full body cast, walking around…
You'll rearrange your organs
and get yourself a hysterectomy
trying to have a waistline for your Instagram or something.
You drop your keys, you gotta look, "Hey, reach over and grab these keys.
No, this shit don't be… Grab my goddamn keys."
Trying to hide your little pooch.
So what, you got a pooch?
Ladies, if you gave birth to a human being…
-[woman cheers] -Huh? That's right.
You earned that pooch.
Men don't care about that,
'cause we're behind you, we don't even see that.
Bro, I'm not getting no ass and wondering what her stomach doing right now.
I wouldn't give a damn right now.
Your stomach could be scrubbing the bed if I'm back here.
It could hit you in your chin. Goddamn…
Nobody care about your damn stomach.
Plus, if you lay on your back,
Man, that thing go flat.
[audience laughing]
Right? It's like a magic trick.
Now you see it, now you don't.
It's like a blessing from the Lord.
Didn't he do it? Won't he do?
He is able. Let him use it.
My God is good.
Even to take a picture for ladies is more complicated than men, right?
Tell three dudes, let's take a picture. "Go ahead, click the picture."
Tell a woman, especially Black woman, she about to be in a picture.
That's a production.
"Wait a minute.
Got to put my titties up, ass out, kickstand my foot."
[sucks in breath]
"Hurry up!"
[audience laughing]
And you can't post that picture right away.
Oh, she got to see the damn picture.
She got to proofread.
"Let me see. Let me see it.
Oh, hell no. Delete that shit."
Do it over.
Titties up, ass out, kickstand.
[sucks in breath]
Some of y'all right now got 18 of the same picture on your phone,
'cause 17 didn't make the cut.
But, fellas, we got to love on our ladies, because they're busy.
First of all, women are busy.
Brother, if you've got a woman in your life, on a week night,
you've got about 27 minutes to get some ass.
The rest of her day is booked.
From the time she wake up, she got her own life.
She got kids, she got the job, she got school stuff,
lunch for tomorrow, dinner for tonight,
watch her shows, watch the news, tie up her hair,
go to bed, you know.
That's the Black women, tie up their hair.
He's like, "Tie up their hair?" Yeah, that's Black women.
Once they get that little brush out and brush down their edges
and tie that shit up, ain't no more ass. That's it.
When they come in the room looking like Sojourner Truth in that bitch…
Like they know the way to freedom. "Freedom. This way.
Freedom over here."
Ain't no more ass. You ever heard the term "that's a wrap"?
God damn it, that's a wrap.
That's why you got to do little things to make her day, so she can make your night.
It's real simple, fellas, it ain't hard.
It's basic shit, like clean up every once in a while.
-How about that? -[woman] Whoo!
-Thank you. -[women cheering]
Bro, trust me on this. Cleanup.
Run a vacuum cleaner, dude. Wash a dish.
And dudes be like, "Hey, I work a double shift. I ain't cleaning up."
Bruh, clean up. It's your house, too.
Plus, it'll get you some dividends, you understand?
Let your woman come home and see some vacuum cleaner lines.
-[woman cheer] -Hear that? Sounds sexy, don't it?
Vacuum cleaner lines.
An empty sink.
She's like, "Wait a minute, did you run the vacuum and did the dishes?
Okay, I got you. I got you."
[audience laughing]
You'll get some head on a weeknight.
Ain't nobody getting head on a weeknight.
If you've been married, or together for a while,
you ain't getting no head.
We barely get head in our community, period.
We don't. And when we do, it's a sample.
"You good?
Are you straight now?"
"No, finish." [scoffs]
Right? "No, I ain't going to finish that stuff. It tastes funny."
Ain't that a bitch?
Yeah, it tastes funny.
It's supposed to taste funny.
Hell, if it was delicious,
there'd be no people.
[audience laughing]
Do I need to run that back?
I said if it was delicious, if it tastes like a strawberry shake,
they'd be trying to get that shake up out you.
Nobody would get pregnant.
The Lord don't make no mistakes.
He put a little salt, or vinegar, or something.
I don't know the flavor, or the recipe. That would be weird.
I do know it makes you make a face sometimes.
Like, ugh, you know, that bullshit.
"You said you were going to tell me." You know, all that shit.
"Motherfucker, you…"
"I tried. I was speechless.
You caught me off guard.
I got you next time."
But you got to laugh every chance you get.
Y'all agree with that? Give it up for laughter, man.
Really. The way the world is right now, in this administration.
Come on, with this dude in office.
Come on, man. This is ridiculous.
Who thought this shit could really happen? And still he here.
Here's my thing. None of the president's really run the country.
Y'all know that? It's like the Wizard of Oz.
You look behind the curtain. "That ain't you."
But I want to ask, and I'm looking at this room, it's a multicultural audience.
We've probably got a few closet Republicans in the building.
Yeah. You know who you are. You didn't know. Uh…
You didn't know. But look what the fuck you did. Um…
But did you really vote for this?
That's all I want to know. Who voted for this?
Damn his policies and all the dumb shit.
Who voted for this to represent America around the world?
That hairstyle is the worst hairstyle in history of hairstyles.
Trump is the White equivalent
to Jermaine Jackson for Black people, that's it.
Right? We don't know what the hell Jermaine is rocking.
Jermaine got edges and baby hair.
Finger waves, slap down, poof, shag in the back.
What the hell?
Have you ever looked at it?
It's the most intricate haircut. What is that?
Trump's shit is not a toupee. I don't know if y'all know.
I got ADHD, I paused and I studied his shit.
All right? Is a comb forward, over, front, tuck, swoop, swirl.
-I don't know what the hell. -[audience laughing]
It's a swoop and a swirl. I don't know if you ever look.
It's this way, that way, that way, tuck, swoop.
I don't know early you got to get up in the morning to do that damn hair.
It's got to be Melania's job.
[audience laughing]
She get up every morning. "Come on, Donnie. I got you!
Here! Here! Here! Here, here, here! Mm.
Here! Here, here, here, here.
Here, here, here, here.
Here, here, here, here. Here, here…"
[imitates hairspray hissing]
Here, here, here, here.
It's ridiculous. It really is.
Oh, shit.
You're laughing too hard, sister.
You must be a hairstylist.
Here, here, here, here.
No, but it's good to see us out, man.
And I talk about relationships and couples.
I try to keep couples together.
We keep couples together, we keep families together.
Keep families together, keep our community together, right?
Give it up for that. Seriously.
-[audience clapping] -All right.
And we ain't getting no younger.
We all get a little older.
And I ain't making fun of old people.
Don't get me wrong. I want to live a long time.
All right. I want to get old. I want to live a long time.
It's different, it's the quality of life.
I do want to be around till it's a struggle.
I just wanna be this dude. Just… [grunting]
But still looking at ass though…
[audience laughing]
You know, 'cause that never stops.
It'll be my wife, bro. My beautiful wife is here.
Clap for my wife, too, please. All right.
'Cause I ain't looking forward to being a senior citizen.
We bogus as hell to our senior citizens, right?
Like, you're in traffic.
He's 86-years-old.
He don't mean to be drifting in your lane.
What we do? Like, beep-beep! He be like, "Goddamn it!
I can't hold this wheel and my bladder.
And I ain't peeing on me for you."
It's rough getting old, and I wonder when do old kick in?
When do you say to yourself, "God damn…" You know.
"I was just me yesterday. Well, goddamn, I guess today… must be…
And when did my neck get connected to my shoulder?
When did this shit happen?"
Right?
But then, here's the thing. For ladies, it's more difficult than men.
They say men grow old gracefully, right?
Ladies do, too. But y'all hit that middle part of your lives.
You get in your 40s and 50's
and your body starts playing tricks, don't it?
You get hot for no reason.
You go to bed fully dressed, you wake up butt naked.
You want the covers on, you want the covers off.
You're hot, you're cold. You're happy, you're mad.
Turn on the heat. Turn on the air.
I just turned on the heat, turn on the air.
What is wrong? I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm happy. I'm mad.
My throat is dry, my coochie's dry. What?
I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm happy, I'm mad.
My throat is dry, my coochie's dry. My eyes running. My wig itch.
I got carpal tunnel. I got a bunion. What?
You got the ceiling fan and the heat on. Pick a utility. We ain't doing both.
I'm hot, I'm cold. I'm happy, I'm mad. My throat is dry, my coochie's dry.
Whenever you see older couples, the dude be pissed out of their heads.
He don't want to hear that shit. "Slow down.
I told you. My throat is dry, my coochie's dry."
[laughter, clapping]
I'm representing Chicago. I'm Damon Williams.
And thank you. God bless. I appreciate you.
-[audience cheering] -[hip-hop music playing]
Thank you.
[Sommore] Yeah!
Just keep it going for Damon Williams, please.
Yes.
Damon was up here talking about Trump.
Trump is probably one of the pettiest motherfuckers I know.
No, no, he really is.
But I give him certain cool points, 'cause as petty as he is,
I'm shocked he hasn't canceled Valentine's Day yet.
No, really. If you think about any kind of way,
you married to a woman who won't hold your hand in public.
Y'all have seen him try to grab his wife hand.
She snatched that shit back like, "Nigga, I don't fuck with you like that."
Coming to the stage right now,
all the way from Charlotte, North Carolina.
Give it up for Darren "DS" Sanders.
-[hip-hop music playing] -[audience cheering]
-How y'all doing? -[audience cheering]
Y'all keep it going for the one chandelier, Sommore.
Keep it going for her.
[audience cheering]
Yeah, man.
And I'm so honored that Sommore picked me to be on this special
as one of the Queen's Men.
When she let me know about the project, y'all,
I decided I need to lose some weight.
So, I lost 20 pounds getting ready for this, y'all. Yeah.
[audience applauding]
I like that some of y'all are clapping.
Some of y'all are like, "Well, how big were you, motherfucker?"
I was. I was up there. I'm still losing, 'cause I…
Rightly, because I was big,
but also because my doctor wanted me to lose weight, you know,
'cause I recently turned 50-years-old.
-All right. Thank you. Yeah. -[audience applauding]
And my doctor, you know, he wants me to eat better, lose weight.
But one thing, every conversation we have ends with him
checking my prostate. That's all he wants.
He's… And I don't mind.
I know I got to get my prostate checked.
But I don't like him being so fucking happy about sticking his finger up my ass.
That's my problem.
He's always like, "You know what we got to do.
You know."
Motherfucker sent me an email the other day
of just his hand, like this.
Talking about, "We want you."
I'm like, "No, the fuck you don't."
And I ain't realize how big my doctor's hand was
till I opened that email. I'm like, "Shit!"
Motherfucker's like he played in the NBA or something.
Now I'm looking for a new doctor.
I want a short Asian man with small hands. That's what the fuck I want.
But tonight, y'all, what I represent y'all, is I'm a…
I'm a recently divorced man.
I got divorced a few years back.
Don't feel bad for me. I'm all right.
You know? That's right. But divorced men,
we need to have somebody to speak for us, you know,
'cause divorced ladies got everything. You know, they got groups,
they got Facebook pages.
They have meetings, they have seminars.
Divorced men? We don't have shit, do we?
We can't have no meeting, 'cause nobody have a house.
Nobody got a house to hold the fucking meeting at.
"Have it at your house." "You know I ain't got no fucking house."
And I did. I lost my house in my divorce.
Y'all, I lost my house in my divorce.
But I was not bitter.
I was not bitter until she started dating another dude.
Y'all, then I got bitter than a motherfucker.
'Cause there ain't nothing worse than driving by your house
and watching another motherfucker cut your grass.
That'll make you mad as shit.
That'll make you mad.
But you know what I used to do?
I'm petty. I used to drive by cussing.
That's what I would do.
I would drive by my old house, let the window down and start hollering.
"She ain't shit!
She's gonna put you out, you will see!"
And she did. And now he ride with me.
I've been telling that dude,
you better let the window down and cuss that dude out.
He's on our fucking lawn mower, man.
But you know what? I always knew women was smarter than us fellas.
But when I filed for my divorce, that's when it really came home to me.
'Cause, see ladies, not only do y'all use your mental
to help you make decisions, but you use your emotions,
use your mental and your emotions.
So, my ex, she went out and used her mental and emotions
to pick her lawyer to represent her. You know the lawyer she picked?
She picked another angry Black woman to be her lawyer.
Y'all, her lawyer was madder about the fucking divorce than she was.
I came to the courtroom.
Her lawyer had war paint under her fucking eyes, y'all.
I walked in the courtroom, her lawyer was heckling me.
"It's about to go down.
I'm about to take all your shit."
I'm like, "Ma'am, I don't know you."
She's like, "You will in a minute, motherfucker."
Now, my lawyer, fellas, you know the lawyer I picked,
'cause fellas, we don't use our mental or our emotional.
We use our wallet.
My lawyer, one of my buddies, talked me into signing up for prepaid legal.
-[audience laughing] -I guess y'all know about that.
And if you sell prepaid legal here tonight,
I hope you get run over in the parking lot on the way home.
Because that's the worst shit in the history of the world.
But I should've knew better.
How the fuck I'm going to have a lawyer that I paid $29 a month I ain't never met,
and now he's going to help me with some shit when I really need him.
My lawyer showed up, represent me in my divorce, y'all.
He had on a fucking sweatsuit. I'm not lying, a sweatsuit.
I said, "Man, why do you have on a sweatsuit?"
He said, "In case we got to run the fuck up out of here."
And you should've seen this beautiful, smart sister that she had.
Her lawyer, she came out doing her opening argument.
It wasn't even like she was practicing the law.
It was like she was playing sports.
Y'all, she was kicking field goals.
She was hitting home runs. [clicks tongue]
She was catching alley-oop.
I looked at my lawyer,
I said, "Nigga, you need to call a time out.
We are losing the fucking game."
Y'all, she got everything.
She got the house, she got the kids, she got the car, she got child support.
But not only did she get child support, y'all she got… Check this out.
She got $200 extra a month.
Let me say it real clear.
$200 extra a month for dog support.
That's right.
$200 extra a month for dog support.
But check this out, y'all.
We didn't even have a fucking dog.
We didn't have no dog.
I stood up and said, "Your Honor, I'd just like to let you know
that the children do not have a dog."
The judge said, "They're about to get one, goddamn."
And sisters, y'all are beautiful, but y'all can be petty when you want to.
You know what my ex would do, y'all?
When I would go over to pick up the kids for the visitation,
she would send the dog with the kids
during the visitation, just to fuck with me.
I'll never forget the first time I went over to pick up the kids.
Here she come out with that dog. "Get in the car.
That's your daddy, too. Yes, he is.
Yes, he do. He pays for you." [gibbers indistinctly]
I didn't want that fucking dog in my car.
I didn't like that dog.
But then, after a while, y'all, I started liking that dog a lot.
If you like animals, you know what I'm about to say.
After a while, I started liking that dog better than I like my own damn kids.
'Cause that dog was always happy to see me.
I showed up, opened the door, he ran out, jumped in my arms.
I ain't never heard him say some shit like I heard my son say
when he came out the door one time,
"Well, do we have to stay the whole weekend this time?"
I let the window down and said, "No, you take your last bag up in there.
Ain't got no fucking money, no way.
You're eating up oodles and noodles the whole fucking weekend
when you get over here. I can tell you that right now."
Never heard the dog say some stuff like my daughter said one time.
My daughter said, "Well, Dad, why, when we're over at your house,
we sleep in the same room,
and we sleep in bunk beds, but there ain't no ladder for the bunk bed?"
I looked right in the face, I said,
"'Cause that's how the fuck they sell it at the flea market.
Now, run and jump your ass up there.
I'm trying to teach you how to be in the Olympics or something.
Be on my fucking side sometimes."
But I want to say this, something about my son.
My son, just recently last year, graduated from high school.
Clap for that. Clap for that.
-[audience applauds] -Yeah.
And I know some people think, you know, "Well, that's not that big a deal.
Why you got to clap because he graduated high school?"
Hey, if you would have seen his grades growing up,
you'd know that was a big fucking deal around our house.
Y'all, my son's grade was so bad, one time, y'all… True story.
His grade was so bad one time, here's how I had to talk to my son
as I'm looking at his report card.
I was like, "Damn!
You can't cheat off nobody's paper?
This don't make no damn sense.
You don't know none of the answers…
and you don't try to look around?
You don't know shit…
and you go down like this?"
I looked at my son. I said, "See, you being lazy."
I said, "At least if they sent me a letter home said you was cheating,
at least I'd know you was trying.
But what they say, if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying."
Y'all, his great was so bad, I took his little ass to the eye doctor.
Yes, I did.
The eye doctor said, "What's wrong, Mr. Sanders?
He can't see the board?"
I said, "No, he can't see other people's paper.
Look at his goddamn grade!
Look at this shit!"
I showed it to the eye doctor.
The eye doctor said, "Damn!"
I said, "That's what the fuck I've been saying, doc."
But he graduated, y'all. He did. He graduated.
We were happy, man.
My uncle came to the graduation.
He pulled me to the side and said,
"What college is he going to?"
I looked at my uncle, I said, "Slow the fuck down."
I said, "We ain't never think we was going to get here.
We ain't got no plans after this moment right here.
We don't even know what you do after a graduation."
What do you do? Go to Golden Corral? What the fuck you do?
'Cause you know you've got to go to Golden Corral.
He came in the room last summer, this is what he told me and his mom.
He said, "Mom and Dad, I just want to let y'all know
that I just got accepted to the community college."
I'm glad nobody clapped.
'Cause I had to bust his little bubble.
I said, "Boy, nobody gets accepted to the community college.
You just show the fuck up…
to a community college,
'cause ain't nobody here tonight ever got a denial letter from a community college.
And if you did, you dumber than a motherfucker…
and you're probably not going to get none of these jokes.
My son took eight classes last year at the community college, y'all.
It cost us $116.
I'm so glad we saved up for his college!
[audience laughing]
Y'all laughing, we did.
We took out a college savings plan.
But every time we get one of his report cards,
me and his mom, we'd look at the grades,
and then we'd take that money and we'd divide that shit up.
You get you some shit, I'm gonna get me some shit.
This motherfucker ain't going to no college.
He might drive by a college.
I don't know if he qualified a clean at no college.
Y'all know who hate that joke the most?
Who do y'all think hate that joke the most?
Not, my son, not his mom.
No, not mom. My mama.
Oh, my mama hate that joke.
My mama one time was at one of my shows.
She was backstage. When I came off stage, she said, "Yes, I heard you
telling all the people about your son's business."
She said, "When you're up there,
why don't you tell the people that when you was growing up,
that you was dumber than a motherfucker yourself?
Tell 'em about all the nights I had to stay up with your dumb ass."
I'm like, "Mama, I'm your boy."
And she wasn't lying, y'all. Growing up, I was dumb as shit.
Oh, I was terrible.
Y'all, I was so bad,
I used to have to go to the little trailer behind the school.
Couple of y'all know about the little trailer behind the school.
See, nowadays, if kids go to the little trailers at the school,
it's because of overcrowding. They need extra room at the school.
But when we were growing up, if you went to the little trailers,
everybody knew there was something fucking wrong with you.
Either your goddamn leg was too short…
[audience laughing]
…or you didn't read that good.
Y'all can tell my legs are perfect as shit.
I couldn't read.
And you know when you can't read,
you know the scariest thing in school is that reading out loud in class.
That's some scary shit.
I remember after the second grade,
I did so bad, I decided I wasn't reading out loud no more.
I didn't give a damn.
I made that decision going into third grade.
I'll never forget it. About two weeks into the third grade,
the teacher call on me, "Mr. Sanders, would you read out loud to the class?"
I said, "Nope."
And she said, "Why not?"
I looked her right in the eyes and I said, "You know why?
'Cause, bitch, you know I can't read."
I said, "The only one that can read out here
is that little boy in the wheelchair.
Don't fuck with me like that.
I'm just out here to push him around. That's what the fuck I'm here for."
And I want to say in closing this,
that that son that I was telling y'all about
that went to community college, y'all, this past year,
he finished his sophomore year at East Carolina University.
-He had a 4.0, y'all. -[audience cheering]
Which lets me know that I don't think he's my fucking son.
That's what I believe.
Hey y'all, I'm Darren "DS" Sanders.
That's my time. Thank you very much.
-[audience cheering] -[hip-hop music playing]
Y'all, give it up for Darren "DS" Sanders.
[audience cheering]
How beautiful is this theater, though?
This is sexy, right?
Darren talking about being able to read,
it took me two weeks to pronounce this motherfucker, the Faena.
Bitch, I was like "fajita"?
The Famma Jamma?
The Femmaditz-a-what?
But it is beautiful. Huh? The Famia? Fitsmia.
Yeah, exactly.
I was naming this motherfucker everything. The Faena…
I love it, though. It's beautiful. The beautiful Faena Theater.
One more time for Darren "DS" Sanders, everybody.
[audience cheering]
Okay. We got more funny for your money.
This next man that's coming to the stage,
I've been knowing him for over 20 years.
I remember back when we used to do Def Comedy Jam.
I would always be excited whenever I was on the same show
that he was on, because I would be next to the stage just watching him,
just in awe of just his joke writing, and the way he would deliver jokes.
So, I'm a fan of him.
He's originally from Chicago, Illinois.
Right now, he's doing radio in San Francisco.
Y'all give it up for the one, the only Tony Sculfield.
-[audience cheering] -[hip-hop music playing]
What's up, y'all? Make some noise.
Keep it going for the queen, y'all. Keep it going for Sommore.
Wow. Y'all look good.
Give it up for yourselves. Wow.
Yes! Well, I'mma tell y'all right off the bat,
I'm here to represent the love in the room.
Where the couples at?
Couples, make some noise if you're with the one you love.
-[cheering] -That's right.
Let me tell y'all about myself.
I am a proud, happily married man of 30 years.
Me and my wife celebrated 30 years of marriage.
[audience cheering]
All right, look. Y'all ain't got to clap for that shit.
We're just waiting each other out for this insurance.
I'mma be honest with y'all.
This ain't a marriage no more, this shit is a contest, goddamnit.
Somebody trying to be the last motherfucker standing
and leave with all of the parting gifts.
[audience laughing]
We're trying to wait each other out.
Shit, somebody gonna get paid, dammit.
I'm trying to come up.
Shit, we got good ass insurance.
We got State Farm shit.
I'll be sneaking down at night adding shit to her policy.
I ain't lying. She caught me on the phone with Jake from State Farm about 10 times.
"Yeah, I'm talking to Jake.
Yeah, he got on khakis. Leave me alone."
Ain't bull shittin'. I'm trying to get paid, man.
Somebody gonna come up.
You can tell we don't care about each other.
We be checking on each other when we wake up in the morning and shit.
"Hey, baby. How do you feel?
Good morning. You feel good?
Shit."
[audience laughing]
"Her ass ain't never gonna get sick, Lord.
When are you going to let pneumonia come in here, Jesus?
I be leaving the window open at night. Please, help me out."
Meanwhile, she's in the other room with her own damn prayer.
"Lord, let his whole prostate just fall out his body, Lord.
While we're in the grocery store. Let somebody kick it under the counter.
Lord, please. Jesus."
I'm telling you, man, we're trying to wait each other out.
Somebody's gonna win this shit, somebody's gonna get paid.
Y'all, I ain't bullshitting, man.
For real. We try to come up.
I've been doing a little sneaky shit to try to get an advantage.
Ain't gonna lie, I ain't being fair. I'm doing sneaky shit to win.
I put her ass on a strict ass diet two weeks ago.
She don't even realize what she's on.
Fried food and cocaine.
[audience laughing]
I ain't lying. The other day, I gave her four wings dusted with an 8 ball. Shit.
She didn't even know. She know that shit was lemon pepper.
She was tearing up the wings like,
"Where the fuck you got these goddam wings? [chattering indistinctly]
This shit's better than KFC and Popeyes.
Give me about five more of these motherfucking wings right now.
Where the fuck you get it from? Ooh, I love this chicken.
Who is that stood outside?"
[audience laughing]
I came back the next day,
she had sold the motherfucking TV for a five piece.
I'm like, "Oh, fuck! I done fucked up!"
Damn!
But I love my wife. I love her very much, man.
I love her, man. And to celebrate our 30th, we did it up, man.
We went down for a beautiful week in Jamaica.
It was absolutely incredible.
Y'all like Jamaica? Jamaica's beautiful, right?
Man, it was great. But I'mma tell y'all something.
Only thing I hate about going to the islands with my wife,
she always make me get a damn manicure, pedicure before I go to the islands.
Because, fellas, we don't like that shit, but I'mma be honest,
you can't have your ass out there on the beach with little sandals
and slacks on and shit,
with your feet looking like motherfucking Wolverine.
Know what I'm saying?
People running around screaming,
"Oh, my God, it's a loose raccoon on the beach.
Grab your kids."
You know what I'm saying?
You don't want to scare nobody, so you've got to get it.
But we don't like it.
But the only thing I don't like about
going to get the damn manicure, pedicure,
whenever I go into the shop, I don't know if it's just me,
but them Asian chicks, they be talking English
until my motherfucking shoe come off.
And then the whole conversation switch up.
That ever happen to y'all?
They're happy to see you when you walk in.
"Welcome to Happy Nail.
We're now going to do the manicure, pedicure.
Please come to the back now, take your shoes and socks off.
Please sit down into the nice, comfortable chair.
Put your feet down into the hot water."
Soon as I take my shoes off…
"Ah!" [speaking gibberish Asian language]
She start calling other bitches.
[speaking gibberish Asian language]
They start putting masks on and shit.
[speaking gibberish Asian language]
And I'm like, "Give me my damn shoes."
[laughing] I ain't lying, man.
When we went to Jamaica, I caught myself being slick.
I said, "I ain't gonna let the Asian chicks disrespect me. Fuck that.
I'm gonna wait till I get to Jamaica.
We've got a damn spa right there on the resort.
I'mma let the Jamaican sisters hook me up.
Fuck that. I ain't going to be disrespected."
Shit. That was even worse.
I can understand the Jamaican sisters.
As soon as I took my shoes off,
"Oh, my God! You come in here and drop this animal hoof in front of me like this.
Like I'm a blacksmith or something.
I don't know what to do. I got to go back and find a chainsaw.
Come back and…" [imitates chainsaw whirring]
The rest of the vacation, I'm sexier than a motherfucker
in swimming trunks and Timberlands and shit like…
Fuck y'all.
I ain't lyin', man.
Love my wife, man, but we keep it spicy at the house.
That's why we've been married 30 years. We keep shit super spicy, man.
We'll never let our fires burn out. We keep it lit, man.
What? We gets down.
I don't be going out into no strip clubs, clubbing and all that shit.
I bring that shit to the house.
I make a strip club at my crib, every fucking payday.
What? I get paid at the little radio station,
I tell my boss, "Give me my shit in singles. Shit."
I come home with a Crown Royal bag full of singles.
My wife's ass-naked in the kitchen with nothing but an apron on.
Bills laid out on the counter like, "Come on, let's get it now.
Gas bill, light bill, phone bill, mortgage,
car loan, cable!"
Shit. I come in that mother like…
[exclaiming]
[audience laughing]
Y'all a great crowd tonight.
Everybody's in the house.
That's what I love. I'll tell you something.
Got some White folks in there, Black folks.
White folks, I'm looking for y'all always towards the end of the year,
I'm gonna be looking for y'all, come and find somebody
towards the end of the year.
Every year, at the end of the year,
I like to find a White family to adopt me,
so I can celebrate the holidays to the fullest.
'Cause White folks, y'all do the fuck out of the holidays.
Black folks, we get through…
No disrespect. We get through with our little raggedy ass holiday.
We ain't got time, or the money, or the patience for all that shit.
Christmas time come, we ain't got our lights and shit
blinking and shit all motherfucking day, like it's a winter wonderland.
We got motherfucking light rules, goddamnit.
Our lights don't come on till 6:30 at night,
when everybody get home from work.
But you better believe the last motherfucker go to bed at 10:30.
You better unplug this bitch.
You let a father, a Black father,
wake up at 3:00 a.m. and come downstairs
and see the trees still blinking.
Everybody in the house got to get the fuck up.
"Bring your ass down here right now!
Who the fuck went to bed, didn't unplug this shit?
I will take all this shit down tonight!"
Remember that?
Your father threatened to take the tree down every day before Christmas.
After Christmas, he ain't take that bitch down till like May 19th and shit.
Really, Dad?
But White folks do the holidays the greatest.
But I'mma tell you something.
Black folks, we ain't gonna even try to keep up this year.
I came up with a rule.
We're going to take a couple of these motherfucking holidays off.
We're going to start chipping them off one at a time.
The first one we'll chip off this year,
Black folks, we're not fucking with Halloween.
We're done. All right? Let's not even do it no more.
Not our holiday. We don't like no ghosts and goblins and shit like that.
Let White folks do it because they know how to do Halloween right.
They send notices out to the entire block a month before Halloween
with the theme of the block, and everybody participates.
They'd be like, "We're going to be the walking dead."
So, for the whole fucking month of October,
anytime you walk down their block at any given time,
these motherfuckers got smoke and tombstones.
Motherfuckers out there…
Shit, in the hood, that's just a crackhead.
We're like, "Bruce, get your ass off my grass!"
And Bruce be like, "Fuck you, nigga. Shit."
[chuckles]
White folks know how to do the trick-or-treating right.
They do it orderly, man.
They send a notice out to everybody's house
with the designated trick-or-treating times
between the hours of 4:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m.
And they come to your house in organized groups
between 8:00 and 10:00 with a parental leader.
They have the fluorescent striping on their clothing,
so they can be seen in traffic.
They ring the doorbell one time.
If no treats are to be had,
they skip off to the next house in an orderly fashion.
In the hood, that shit is different.
First of all, there ain't no trick-or-treating times, motherfucker.
You ain't getting ready to tell me when I can bring my kids by your house.
I don't get off work till 9:30.
They've got to wait for me. Okay?
In the hood, your doorbell still be ringing at 11:30 at night.
It don't even be kids no more.
It be their mama on your porch and shit. "Trick-or-treat."
[audience laughing]
"What? They in the car!"
[audience laughing]
[clicks tongue] "Roll down the window and put your mask on."
I'm telling you, man.
[laughing]
And the best thing the White folks do at the Halloween day…
The best thing that y'all do on Halloween
is y'all take all the motherfucking guesswork out of the costumes.
I love that about y'all.
We ain't got to figure shit out when we open the door.
Everybody has gone all out for the costume.
You ain't got to guess. You know who that is.
Buzz Lightyear, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,
football player, soldier, cowboy,
nurse, cheerleader, no problem.
In the hood…
[audience laughing]
You don't know who these motherfuckers be, man.
You'll be like, "Hey, happy-- Oh! Shit! Hey.
Ooh! Oh, wow. Hey.
Oh! Fu… Uh, shit. Um… Mm!
You either Rick James or Serena Williams.
Uh… Oh… Which…"
I ain't gonna lie. One day, I opened my door,
there's a little boy on my porch with a robe on, a belt in his hand.
I'm like, "Who the fuck is you?" He's like, "Duh! My mama!"
Hey y'all, that's all my time. I'm Tony Sculfield.
God bless you. Thank you so much.
Please, please keep on supporting the Queen of Comedy.
It's been great to be a part of the Queen's Men.
Thank you so much. God bless.
-[audience cheering] -[hip-hop music playing]
Y'all give it up for Tony Sculfield!
Yes.
See, this is what I love about stand-up.
See, stand-up is not just about being silly.
It's about writing jokes, punchline, delivery, shit like that.
Fly shit. Like, I'm telling y'all, this is some dope shit.
Find something to laugh about every single day and you'll live longer.
I promise you.
-Y'all ready for more funny, say "yeah". -[audience] Yeah!
-Ready for more funny, say "yeah". -[audience] Yeah!
Okay. This next man is coming to the stage…
Now, I have a lot of friends who are comedians,
but this next dude is my partner. You know what I'm saying? We're partners.
We traveled the country, all over the world together.
And, um, I've been knowing him ever since he was six feet tall.
Now, he's 6'6".
I call him the King of Philadelphia.
Put your hands together for TuRae.
-[hip-hop music playing] -[audience cheering]
Thank y'all. How y'all doing?
Give it up for the Queen of Comedy, Sommore.
Show your love. Show your love for all the comedians.
Give it up for all this fantastic…
all the Queen's Men.
You come to a show and somebody be like, "Give it up for the comedian before."
And you always think we're just giving love to our comrades.
I mean that. You got to show love to Sommore,
taking this out of her own dime
and putting together this type of publication.
And Damon Williams, and Tony Sculfield, and "DS" Sander.
They're gonna change the world with their laughter.
I give them love 'cause I've been doing comedy long enough
to know I ain't gonna make it. So…
Getting too old to be, you know, blind to yourself as a man.
As a grown man, you got to admit certain things to yourself.
Get a little older, admit things to yourself.
As I've gotten older, I admit things. I'm truer with myself. I admit my fears.
Every now and then, I'm a little frightened.
It don't matter I'm 6'6", 240.
I get downright frightened.
Women see me all the time and think I'm always supposed to protect them.
That ain't my strong suit.
I'm observant. That's my strong suit.
I want you to know that, 'cause we might be on a date
and I might do some surprising like run.
Last chick ain't understand that.
She got back to the car, her breath was like… [panting]
"I can't believe you left me." I'm like, "I tapped you three times. Let's go."
[audience laughing]
To what? Three on the elbow? Three on the elbow.
Three on the elbow's a universal sign for, "A lot's going on, I can't explain it all,
but we've got to get the fuck out of here."
[audience laughing]
Every now and then I get downright frightened
as a man out here in this world.
I've seen that movie It last year.
When I tell you, I haven't been in the basement since last year.
Fuck that basement. Fuck everything down there.
I don't need nothing out of that basement.
My daughter talking about she need her bike.
"We all got wants and needs. Take your ass down there.
He wants you anyway."
I was at my nephew's birthday party, a balloon pop, I fainted.
I said, "Oh, that's how it starts. Oh! That's… That's how they get you."
You get a little older, you gotta admit things to yourself.
You admit it, or your body will.
You can play these games if you want to.
Certain things happen.
You can play this game if you want to.
My barber told me sometimes,
you know, "You can't come around here no more."
There was no need for me to be at the barbershop. I was just wasting time.
I was just hanging around.
He was like, "You can get in the chair and I could practice."
It don't have to be nothing deep.
Everybody goes through hair loss.
This is something everybody goes through on one level.
You're not able to beat everything anymore.
You can't do normal shit no more.
Little shit will break you down.
Like milk.
Anybody hate milk?
I'll clear this room out if y'all give me some milk.
I become flammable when I drink milk.
I'm always checking to make sure people didn't slip me milk.
[spits] "Did you put milk in this?
This party about to be different. You can't have fun when I can't…
You better open a window."
Can't fuck with no milk, not straight vitamin D.
Not no red top.
Green or blue top only.
You can't fuck with no red top.
You'll bust your heart.
That's not even for drinking, that's for making cake.
Got to step on that a few times.
Crazy part is, you laugh because you know I'm telling the truth.
It wasn't…
It wasn't a glass of milk that told you.
It was a bowl of ice cream.
You settle down for a late night, had a little bowl of ice cream here,
took that first spoonful, your stomach went like… [growls]
Your milk days is over.
Better get you some sherbet.
But it doesn't take much, man.
My grandma used to tell me. She's like, "Baby,
if you don't like getting older, you're going to hate the alternative."
And that's what I got.
I'm like, "Yep, I like getting older.
I'mma enjoy this thing."
As you get older, as a man, certain things you can't be doing anymore.
As a man, you've got to check your ego.
Certain things you can't do, you outgrow 'em.
Certain things you're too old to be doing.
Fist fighting was one of them for me.
I'm too old to be fist fighting. I stopped fist fighting at 30.
At 44, I either shoot a nigga, or let it slide.
I am not going to be in the street scuffling with these kids.
They all hyped up on MTV Jams and Mountain Dew.
Me, personally, I don't know how fights start.
I come from the era where fights had a rhythm, a buildup.
You know how fights started.
You said something, he said something back,
somebody in the crowd was like, "Ooh!"
That's how the fight started.
The "Ooh" was like the bell. Ding!
[audience laughing]
Somebody will repeat what they said.
"That nigga said your mom…"
Somebody else will give you their opinion.
"I wish a nigga would say some shit like that about…"
Nowadays, these kids are really ready to fight.
I didn't even know it was my turn over there.
I almost got my ass kicked waiting for the bus.
This young kid just snapped on me.
"What the fuck you looking at?!"
And I was like…
[hesitates] "Well, the the bus comes from that way."
[audience laughing]
"Nevermind. You let me know when the bus is coming.
This is crazy.
You can't even look over there no more.
Well, I guess they're going to toot the horn. I don't know."
And at the end of the day, it's not that I'm afraid of another man.
That ain't the contract I signed.
I don't walk the streets afraid of another man.
I'm just not sure that my body can take a fistfight like it used to.
I see you with your golf outfit on. You ain't fooling nobody.
You, silk overhead.
We was killers at 16.
All the matching colors and shit.
I see y'all. A lot of brothers try to assimilate.
I know there's some killers in this audience.
Sir, you're not fooling me.
Sixteen was a different time.
Sixteen, you ain't need a reason to start a fight.
Sixteen, you start a fight by your fucking self.
It was hot. He said something about your mama.
Good enough.
Sixteen, you take a clean punch in the face,
still be down talking shit like, "We gonna get that nigga later.
He need to know who he's dealing with."
Talking big shit.
That's 'cause at 16, your eye would be healed later.
Get punched in the face at 30-plus.
Shit. You're gonna miss a couple days at work,
you need an MRI, CAT scan.
Nowadays, they do a EKG just to make sure they didn't fuck your heart up
punching you in your eye.
And who's gonna pay this copay? 'Cause that's 45.
Swelling don't go down for months.
Spend the rest of your days looking like Forest Whitaker.
-[woman] No! -[audience laughing]
She screamed, "No!"
-Is he here? -[audience laughing]
Yeah, whatever.
Gonna act like that man been working in Hollywood
with that fucked up eye all this time,
ain't nobody gonna say shit?
Not on my watch, goddamn it!
I'm tired of trying to figure out who the fuck he is every role.
Different role, same eye.
You mean that's not the same guy?
And I know what y'all are doing, like I'm hating on him, I'm not.
He's a phenomenal, Hall of Fame, very accomplished Black actor.
He's so good, when he plays somebody,
he makes me look them up to see if their eye's fucked up.
I'm like, "He nailed this one. This motherfucker is good."
Look at the Black people like, "I ain't gonna do this.
I ain't gonna stand for nobody talk about Mr. Whitaker. Good people."
I wish him well.
But I'm a realist.
I like who I am as a person. I try to be that person.
Lot of people don't wanna be who they are. I see 'em every day.
Fat people who want to be fat no more.
I'm not here to talk about you.
I'm telling you, stop putting yourself down.
If you're fat, or think you fat,
look at the bright side, you gotta flip that.
It's quite an accomplishment. Hmm?
You gotta eat a lot of shit to get that big.
That didn't happen overnight.
You put the work in, lot of meals.
Lot of times you could have gave up and got up from the table.
But you was like, "No."
I salute you with your fat ass.
All I'm saying is, don't get too fat.
Oh, you know when you're too fat,
you ain't got to go to the doctor and have no test.
You know when you're too fat. You start making that noise.
[grunting and breathing loudly]
Nigga, when I know you're about to talk, and I'm not looking in your direction.
"What you say?"
"That's too much weight on your heart. I'm worried about you."
Plus, if you're that fat, you are not living life to the fullest, huh?
If you're that fat, you can't have all the cool jobs.
You can't be no ninja.
Ninja's all about stealth and quiet.
You're on your way to assassinate somebody…
[breaths loudly] …they're gonna hear you fucking coming.
You're gonna get us killed, fat ninja.
And big girls…
I love you.
See, I had to transition that shit.
I said "fat bitches" at the last show.
It did not go well.
Two big girls stood up in the back like,
"Uh-uh! Who the fuck he think… [breathes loudly] …he talking to?"
[audience laughing]
"[breathing loudly] I did not… spend my money… [snorts, wheezes]
Girl, curse him out for me."
[audience laughing]
Ah. [laughing]
Let's keep it real. Let's keep it real. Big girls are the shit
If you've ever been out with a big girl, you know what I'm talking about.
They stone cold killers.
All I'm saying is big girls don't make me play bad guy.
At the end of the night, you want the grown things?
I'm a grown man, you a grown woman.
Don't make me play bad guy.
Big girls get excited about sex, say some crazy shit.
Then I've got to play bad guy.
Big girls get excited about sex, say some shit like, "Let me get on top."
Then I gotta play bad guy, say some shit like, "I didn't eat yet.
I'm afraid.
Don't nobody even know I'm over here."
Let me call my mom first, is what I'm saying.
Big girls get real excited, they'll be like, "Pick me up."
Which is fine. Stop laughing.
Big girls should get picked up. Hmm?
Then we shall have a good time.
But when I say to you, "Let me put you down."
This is not so much a request.
It's a fucking warning.
A nigga like me gonna drop you, and I ain't gonna feel no way about it.
You're going to be on the floor rolling around like,
[breathing loudly] "I can't believe you dropped me."
And I'm like, "Come on, big girl. You heard me go… [strains]
You felt my hands getting slippery, you knew.
It's a hardwood floor. I got on socks. I did the best I could."
I just don't put no pressure on myself when it comes to sex.
I know I'm a grown man.
It's different. You get a little older, sex is different.
Women don't understand this situation, 'cause vagina got you back forever.
No matter what.
You could be 80-years-old here tonight,
vagina be like, "Girl, if you see something you like, let me know.
Give me a chance to get warmed up."
Dick ain't like that when you get a little older.
That 16-year-old dick is a terrorist. He always got to be talked down.
16-year-old dick, "I'mma shoot everybody!"
"Like, yo, chill, we at a funeral."
"Everybody can get it!"
"Yo, yo."
Forty-plus dick,
you can't run up on him unannounced.
You can't run up on 40-plus dick tonight.
"Yo, I got one. Wanna take her to the house?"
Dick be like, "Tonight?
[sighs] Wish you'd have called me sooner.
You know I like to sleep in on Fridays, man.
Already took a shower, put my house shoes on."
You gotta put it in your warehouse, gentlemen.
You gotta put it in your warehouse.
You gotta have sex the way it makes you the victim.
You can't put it in these women's level.
You can't do all that romance, candles and bubble bath, all that.
Have it how it makes you better.
Me? I have sex in the dark.
With the fan on.
'Cause I'm 40-plus. I need some air on my back.
I don't know what that is, but I could be fucking outside in the snow,
I'll be like, "Turn the air on."
In the dark. I don't need no clocks in my room.
Took the clocks out of my room in college.
Who needs to time themselves? I'm grown.
Don't need them clocks intimidating me. 8:59.
Nine o'clock. Dark vortex.
Maybe the TV. But the TV will hurt your feelings.
Commercials are nice, fellas. Infomercials are nice,
'cause you don't know how much time went by.
I made the mistake of fucking to an episode of Law & Order.
You know, to all my Law & Order fans, we move from segment to segment with…
[vocalizes]
I'm killing it one night. I made it past the first… [vocalizes]
The second… [vocalizes]
It's over.
I'm about to pass out on her chest.
But before my eyes close, I look at the TV screen.
I realized I ain't even make it to trial.
I'm still at the fucking precinct.
Ice-T like, "You know what you did."
I'm like, "Yeah, I know what I did, Ice-T."
Party people, my name is TuRae.
Please…
thank you so much for allowing me to be one of the Queen's Men,
and keep enjoying live stand-up comedy.
Thank y'all.
[hip-hop music playing]
Y'all keep it going for TuRae, please. Keep it going for TuRae.
[cheering]
I want to introduce y'all one more time to all the Queen's Men.
Give it up for Darren "DS" Sanders.
[audience cheering]
Keep it going for Damon Williams.
[cheering continues]
One more time for Tony Sculfield.
-[cheering continues] -Yes.
-And one more time for TuRae. -[cheering and applauding]
I'm your host, Sommore, and I approve this funny.
-Goodnight, everybody. -[audience cheering]
♪ All the queen's men ♪
Great job, y'all.
♪ All the queen's men ♪
Yes. Goodnight, y'all.
♪ All the queen's men ♪
♪ We're gonna shake up the door ♪
♪ Every morning it's a new city We're on tour ♪
♪ When you're comfortable with yourself You feel secure ♪
♪ After every show My lover is all gone ♪
♪ What up All the queen's men ♪
♪ We gonna do this radio runs Then hit the venue ♪
♪ After grab a bite, love it Can I see a menu? ♪
♪ You know what tour life get into ♪
♪ Living out that suitcase for months ♪
♪ You don't know what I've been through ♪
♪ Queen show love That's the realness in her ♪
♪ Matter of fact, Sommore, you realer Than most of these niggas ♪
♪ Dudes won't share no stage ♪
♪ You kill it more than them They be feeling a way ♪
♪ They get to acting like You're trying to steal their wave ♪
♪ You know the weird shit ♪
♪ But sis, you be on that Chandelier shit ♪
♪ Bright shining About the right timing ♪
♪ VVS diamonds♪
♪ All came from grinding, yeah ♪
♪ You chose the right ones To accompany you ♪
♪ No weaklings allowed When you fuck with the crew ♪
♪ The reason why the real ones Be fucking with you ♪
♪ When it's time to get that bag You know what I do ♪
♪ We gonna shake up the door ♪
♪ Every morning it's a new city We on tour ♪
♪ When you're comfortable with yourself You feel secure ♪
♪ After every show My lover is all gone ♪
♪ All the queen's men ♪
-♪ All the queen's men ♪ -♪ Uh ♪
♪ Yeah, whoo ♪
-♪ All the queen's men ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
-♪ All the queen's men ♪ -♪ Slay ♪