Listen, la, la, big city of dreams, baby.
You got Hollywood, bel air,
silicon beach, and Beverly hills, right?
Four of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country.
And then...
There's south central.
Now be honest, all right,
when you hear the words "south central,"
what do you think, gangs, drugs, guns?
Well, then, what the hell
are all these rich white people doing here, hmm?!
You see, six blocks from one of the most expensive colleges
in the country sits one of the poorest neighborhoods
in the country.
And that's where your boy grew up.
We got a family business.
More emphasis on "family" than "business."
'Cause we always broke.
20 years ago, my dad and uncle
started this gym to keep kids out of gangs
and off the streets,
give them some positive role models.
Then they got locked up for bank robbery.
I believe they call that irony.
That left me and my moms to run this place on our own.
She done a whole lot of good for this community,
but doing good don't really pay the bills,
you know what I'm saying,
and the bank's about to shut us down.
Over the years we kept the doors open
with endless side hustles,
and that's where my boy juice comes in.
We've been best boys since I was a little jit.
Now juice? He the plug.
You need anything, he can get it.
Just don't ask him how.
Why you laughing? Why you laughing?
But luckily my girlfriend Alicia
has always been there to get us back on track.
I mean, she don't know she's my girlfriend yet.
She got a serious crush on me. Like, serious crush.
She say she waiting for a real man,
but if that's not me,
then why she been flirting so hard?
Look at her! Look how she looking at me!
Zoom in. Come on, you see that, right?
So that's life in the hood.
I mean, we don't have much,
but if I can keep those gym doors open,
I can keep my little family together, and really,
that's what it's all about.
Nah! I'm just fucking with you.
It's about them dead presidents, y'all!
Get it!
I'm gonna kick your ass so hard,
you're gonna be able to give yourself a rim job.
You really wanna go out like that?
South central, baby. Yeah, think about it.
It's no game. You in it right now.
- Let's go. - I'm crazy.
I'm crazy! I'm crazy!
You will die today!
Now I apologize for the language, y'all,
but this is the kind of tough talk
you're gonna hear out in these streets.
Now of course I could teach y'all how to fight.
Give 'em a little one, two, three, four.
But what's that gonna solve?
What I'm uniquely qualified to teach y'all
is that sometimes your best weapons are your words.
We're gonna put these down and pick this up.
Words? This is the mma class.
So stop being a little bitch and let's fight.
Oh, okay, look at this guy. Little hyped up.
Tone it down a notch.
You afraid to swing?
That's great. I see what you're doing.
Nothing he says can provoke me
because I am de-escalating the situation.
I never thought I'd get this close to a vagina
- until I was at least ten. - -What's a vagina?
Look, I'm gonna tell you one time and one time only.
You gonna sit your little ass in that corner,
and I'm gonna count to three.
- One. - - Three!
Whoo! Punched my dick! Okay, listen!
Oh! What you--
- time out, okay?!
What's up?! This is my class!
I command y'all to sit down! Sit down and listen to me!
- What about with my deep voice?! - Hey!
Oh, that was an accident. Y'all saw it was an accident, right?
You, you, you. You look like you know cpr.
Come on, white girl, go ahead, do some magic.
Go, go, go, check his pulse.
What the heck is going on here, del?
Listen, y'all don't ruin this for me.
Just stay tight. Hey, Alicia.
We're just wrapping up our session on de-escalation.
He gonna be okay.
And that is how not to get into a fight.
Oh, man! Whoo!
Watch out for the kid with the curly hair.
-He is mean. -It's not a joke, del.
I ask you to watch my class for ten minutes.
He started it. Hey!
That's the dumbest shit I've heard from anyone all day,
-and that includes juice. -As promised, I got you a pair
of refurbished Jordans, okay, and according to the shoefax,
I only got two people wearing these shoes prior.
You realize you're the adult here, right?
When you gonna start acting like one?
Del, quit trying to get my staff pregnant
and fix the damn air conditioner!
Ain't nobody trying to get her pregnant, ma.
-Mind your business. -Just 'cause you fuckin' it up
don't mean you ain't tryin'.
Del, look at that thing.
It's gonna fall and kill somebody.
You were gonna call the repairman.
-That's your fault, mama. -Oh, a rep--
you know what? I'm trippin'.
Let me dip into this discretionary fund
so I can pay for that shit.
You cannot give your own son the middle finger.
Why not? I've already tried the first two.
One, del, get yourself out of bed
and go to school before you flunk out.
Two, I'm not gonna tell you again,
stop smoking weed and playing video games.
No results, so I'm gonna try three
and see what happens.
When the phone get turned back on?
Dre's gym. This is del speaking.
You have a call from fulsom prison.
This call is timed and monitored.
Yo, yo, yo, del! It's your pops.
What you calling here for, dad?
Did you not just say "this is dre's gym"?
Who the fuck you think dre is? It's me, nigga! It's me!
I can call whenever the fuck I please!
Now, look, I know you struggling and everything,
but, listen, i might have a way to help you.
We've been getting along just fine my whole life
-without your help. -Look, I know, son--
you have one more minute.
Fucking jail robot. I ain't got time to be polite.
I know you are mad at me, but listen,
I care about you, and I care about your mama,
and I highly suggest if you wanna keep that place open,
you get your skinny ass down here and see me
before it's motherfuckin' too late.
My boy!
You done came to see your old man, huh?
Look, dad, this is business, all right?
Let's not pretend it's anything else.
You said you could help me. I'm here to find out how.
You know what? You smart. Just like me.
I'm nothing like you.
Okay, now look, look, look.
Now, I know i wasn't in your life.
All right? But I wanna make it up to you.
Okay? I wanna make it up to you.
-Ba-dow. -That's a pretty small box
to contain my entire childhood, dad.
It's a gift from my motherfuckin' heart.
What is this?
That's a Mr. potato head.
-A what? -Look at that.
I knew you was gonna love that. Look at that.
You got the little eyes right here,
then you got the little nose.
Got a little comb for the mustache.
This is some smart shit.
This is gonna teach you some shit.
And he also got that, just in case I got to lay
a couple motherfuckers down up in here.
Look, dad, I'm an adult now.
Oh, so you too old to learn?
So I guess you too old to learn
how to solve your little bank problem, huh?
Look, what I meant to say was this is great.
-This is amazing. -Yeah, it is.
I'm gonna put it right back in this box.
You know what? Come here.
Come on. Come on. Sit on daddy's lap.
- You said what? - On my lap, nigga.
- Sit down on my lap? - On your lap?
Yeah, get your ass over here. Sit down.
Right here. Sit right here.
I ain't gonna bite you, boy. I'm your daddy.
-Okay. -But the tickle monster might.
--See, this is what I'm talking about.
You remember that. I used to tickle you when you was little.
Don't act like ain't nobody tickled you.
When I was a kid! I'm an adult now!
All right, I got a little out of hand with the tickling.
But I'm trying to make up for 17 years that I missed in your life.
Now, listen, you know me and your uncle Leon--
come on-- me and your uncle Leon,
we in here for bank robbery.
-Okay? -Mm-hmm.
What you might not know
is that the police didn't find the money.
I was planning on giving that money to you and your mama
when I got out, but your crazy-ass uncle Leon
done fucked around and got out a couple nights ago,
so you gotta get out and get that cash.
Wait. How much money?
A million dollars.
And it's in this flop house in the basement.
The money's in the wall.
Ooh-whee! Ooh!
No.
You just walked in here and act like you didn't know
that I was your daddy, now you gonna come with that,
"ooh-whee!" Fake shit!
Y-you--
and all that shit!
I'm sorry, I apologize.
Now the only way you gonna get that money
is you gonna do what I tell you to do.
-And you know that that is? -What's that?
Let me read you a bedtime story.
-Come on, dad-- -you gonna-- shut the fuck up
and let your daddy read you a bedtime story, nigga.
This is a book here is called
the long red train.
Okay, "there is a new cookbook in the cafeteria.
Good morning, little children students.
We have a brand-new cookbook."
-Can you read it without-- -shut the fuck up.
I'm gonna read it how the fuck I wanna read it.
-I'm your daddy. -Okay.
"I hope you like
the gourmet feast that I made."
We get to the flop house, we go to the basement,
we get the money, our lives are set, yo, I'm telling you!
-We gonna be rich, man! -No, I'm gonna be rich.
Ya'll get 5% each, depending on how much work you put in.
What the hell? What has happened to the ghetto?
Chipotle got a valet?
Come on, it's the next street up.
But how does chipotle got a valet?
They done put a coffee bean where they shot your man.
Shit! They turned the flop house into a frat house.
What are we gonna do?
We get a drill, huh?
The same drills that they dig the subways with.
We dig straight to the basement El chapo style.
Right? Then we grab the loot.
That's the plot from ocean's 13.
You right, scratch that. I say we go in with 17 monkeys.
-And a horse. -That's planet of the apes, man.
- So you seen it. - You got problems.
Like, I worry about you sometimes, juice.
Okay, all right, all right, del!
We get crank and dede. That's Friday.
I had a feeling you'd be up here.
-Hey. -What, you're not gonna hit me, right?
Mmm...
So what are you doing in my thinking spot?
Thinking.
What do you come up here think about?
Honestly, thinking about what I'd do with the money.
Hmm. Let me do your shopping list for you.
-One, sneakers, two, weed. -Ohh...
That's two things. That's it.
You really think that's what I would do?
Give me a reason not to.
Okay, listen, honestly,
I'm not doing this for myself, okay?
I'm doing it for my mom. This place is like her life.
If I don't do something big, then she could lose it all.
If you care so much about her,
why don't you ever do the little things she asks?
The rats? The showers?
That ac unit she's been on your ass about every single day?
If I get that money soon, none of that even matters.
I can make this place really special.
And if I got some money left over, yeah,
I'm gonna budget in some kicks and weed.
You thought i was gonna leave that out?
-No, I didn't. -Okay, good.
'Cause I got some right here. You wanna smoke it?
-What is that? -It's some weed.
It's a little, bitty weed. You can barely see it.
Look.
What is wrong with you?
So what'd you come out here to think about?
I'm trying to figure out how we're going get into
that damn frat house in the first place.
Don't worry.
I got a couple ideas.
Oh, no.
Hello, sir, deputy fire Marshall frank mckasky.
Do you have the ds-367 certification
on your fire-inspection certificate?
You need a certification on your certificate?
Move out of my way.
Do you know how flammable these are?!
I smell smoke.
I see what's going on here.
Let me take a wild guess.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector,
let the place burn down, collect the insurance money.
Not on my watch. Not on my watch!
-Yo, agh! -Not on my watch!
Are you kidding me?!
Anybody here read the news? Hmm? Of course not.
I'm surprised the lithium battery on this thing
hasn't exploded yet.
This place is a lot worse than I thought.
Somebody needs to take me down to the basement right now!
Yo, what the hell is going on?
Fire inspection. I need you to take me down
to the basement right now, check the foundation.
Yo, we had a fire inspection a week ago, dog.
And you're lucky we didn't shut you down then...
Dog.
If you're a fire inspector, why does your little badge
say "guardia de seguridad"?
Budget cuts, motherfucker. You know what?
I'm gonna go ahead and get the fuck up out of here.
I'm confiscating this.
You, the fraternity letters, that says "kox."
You might wanna change that.
We just letting anyone in the house now, huh?
That's my fault, man.
Think he took your hoverboard.
Fuck.
I got it.
We rush the frat, bam.
Yep, that's what I'm talking 'bout.
We get strapped, we get mean, and we rush that motherfucker!
Excuse my friend, ya'll, I'm sorry.
He's on drugs.
No, no, no, i mean rush the frat.
It's rush week.
I'm gonna get in by joining the fraternity.
That's what I'm talking about. Keep it simple.
You're not a student.
-Juice. -On it.
Got a guy that's gonna make a fake ID
in a perfect name to fit in the fraternity scene.
-Mm-hmm. -Bam.
But all those bros have already seen your face.
You think they're not gonna call you out on that?
--What's so funny?
-She don't know! -She don't know.
-She's light-skinned. -She don't know!
-What? What? -Alicia, Alicia.
You know so little about white people.
-So little. -They are terrified of being called racist.
If a white guy sees a brother they seen before,
they're not gonna be like, "oh, my god!
Antoine? I-is that you?" Because they don't want to look
like some good ol' boy
that thinks all brothers look the same.
But how are you so sure they want you in the first place?
See, these days, they need at least one token.
-One. -You think you're gonna be
the only minority trying to get in?
What are you gonna do about your competition?
-Let me show. -Okay, you ready?
You ready? Do it, do it.
-Action -charm.
-No, that's not charm. -That's not what we rehearsed.
All right, you say "action." I'll do it then.
-Say action. -I'm not saying "action."
- Charmed.
Greetings, gentlemen, I'm here to rush.
Name?
Ah.
Chet buttersworth?
That's my name.
Head on in.
Next generation, deep space nine...
No, that's an off-shore equity hedge account, bro.
On there?
It's got several advantages over javascript.
Nice to meet you. Chet buttersworth.
Listen, don't you guys find it a little odd
that they have the white people over there
and... other people right here?
We just sort of congregated here by chance.
Chance, that's funny. What's your name?
-Zack. -Zack.
Kind of tall for an Asian...
6is what they're saying.
Me? I'm like, "he's a human being."
You guys know about the theme parties they had last year?
No? Okay, just to name a few, "no-fly list."
"I've been working on the railroad."
They want you to build a wall outside, right outside the frat.
They're like, "he doesn't even speak English."
I'm like, "he does speak English," right?
Okay, guys, you could be a part of the problem,
or you can be a part of the revolution, yeah?
What do you guys say we all come together?
Make it really explosive-- no pun intended--
and we fight this thing?
We're not gonna put up with any racist bullshit.
We're gonna take back the night.
Take back the night's a women's movement.
Don't kill my momentum. I'm on a roll right now.
Guys, new slogan just for you. "Token is broken," cool?
Token is broken. Token is broken.
Token is broken, march! Token is broken, yeah!
Token is broken! Come on, black lead the pack!
The Asian trailblazin'!
Whoever you are, en espaņol! Andale!
Token is broken. Token is broken.
Thank god they're gone, right?
Don't worry, fellas, I'm one of the good ones.
You know, I would say that I'm slightly overqualified
for your organization, but I play golf.
So, I mean, you know, that's cool, got a hole in one.
-I'm into Polo, both kinds. - Mm-hmm.
Ultimate frisbee. As I call it, ultimate frizz.
I was a captain of that for four years straight.
Turned down hale. That's Harvard and Yale.
Yeah, wow.
So what do you think? Pretty good group this year.
Yo, I think I know that guy.
Didn't he, like, come through here
trying to pretend to be a fire inspector or some shit?
Which g--
oh, come on man, that's not okay.
What's not okay?
You're basically saying that all
black people look the same to you.
That's like the litmus test for racism.
Wha-- I'm not saying that, man.
I'm saying that's the same black person
who came through here and stole Eddie's hoverboard.
Oh, and now he's a thief, hmm?
Will you listen to me, man?
I'm the least racist nigga you know!
That was out of context, fam.
Like you never said it, Roger!
What are you thinking?
Fraternities get sued over this kind of stuff all the time.
Sued for what, man? He ain't got no damages.
You know me. How could I hate black people?
-I ride the bus. -Oh, my god.
Don't talk near him.
You're missing the point, man. That guy's up to something.
So you give him a bid if you want, that's cool.
But I'm gonna find out what it is.
Just stop saying the-- the "n" word.
What are you doing?
I've been working on my signature move.
From the ropes? What is this? Ufc or wwe?
- Are you ready? - Uh, yeah.
Really? Because the last time you stepped in this ring,
you got your ass handed to you by a bunch of little kids.
Ooh, with all due respect, you're like half my weight.
Come on, buy me dinner first!
Oh! Wait, is this supposed to hurt or feel good?
Like, what are we-- okay, okay, okay.
-Say uncle. -You love me?
You said you love me? I can't hear.
Goddamn it, del, if you really wanna please a woman,
why don't you please me and fix the fucking ac unit?
All right, ma. Show me that move one more time.
I'm not gonna ask you again, del!
So you got rid of your competition.
Sounds like you impressed 'em. What happens now?
Now all we can do is wait and hope that my good looks
and charm along with their white guilt and fear of lawsuits
is enough to get me in.
All right, come on, one, two.
Yo, I can't believe we're giving this guy a bid.
Are you guys sure this is it? Most freshman live in the dorms.
I told you there was something about this guy.
-So it's off-campus. -Off-campus?!
This is the ghetto, man.
Technically, we also live in the ghetto.
True, but that's the good ghetto.
This is like the ghetto-ghetto.
Wow, and I thought you didn't have
- a problem with black people. - Oh, you c--
that's not fair, all right?
I am drawing an economic distinction, not a racial one.
Granted, but given the racially charged history
of this country, can we really separate--
guys. Hey!
Enough!!
Let's all just agree it's super confusing
being a white male in today's society, okay?
Now... hoods up.
Oh, yeah.
Kappa Alpha chi or die! Kappa Alpha chi or die!
Let's go!! Let's go!!
Watching this movie last night
made me mad as a motherfucker.
Y'all have seen amistad?
Mm-hmm.
All right. Shit was crazy.
Yo, check this out.
What the fuck?
Watch these niggas.
- Man, where is this shit? - Can't get anything.
It's like the Internet stops at this neighborhood.
Are you sure you wrote it down right?
Yeah, the address he gave us was for that gym back there.
Yo, I told you he was playing us.
No, don't jump to conclusions. Let's just ask somebody, okay?
Oh, these guys look like they know the lay of the land.
Hey! Agh!
Evening, fellas. Oh, gotta get low.
Low rider.
Uh, we think we might be a little bit lost here.
I'd say so.
Right? Wondering if you might be able to help us out, though.
I think we might have gotten the wrong address.
We're looking for a fella by the name of Chet buttersworth?
African-American gentlemen.
Not that that means you would necessarily know him,
but not that it doesn't, you know?
Skin tone is sort of right in between
you in the front and you in the back.
Although with the shadows, i can't totally tell.
Um, what else, what else, what else?
Uh, well, we're here to kidnap him
as part of our initiation ritual.
Get the fuck out the 'hood, cracker!
Run! Hey, hey, hey! Everybody's running!
Bam, okay, here we go. Time to dance.
No, I'm working, stop.
The work can wait.
It is time to play!
Whoo!
You're gonna get me fired. You're gonna get me fired.
I know the owner. You good.
-Look at you. -Stop. Don't.
Play, play, play, play. And...
Out of the chair she goes.
And around and around she goes.
Now I'm gonna teach you some dance moves.
You're not taking it serious. Start with the right.
You're gonna fall in love. Look back there.
-Look back at it. Look back at it. -I don't want to.
Is this what they do in the club?
Let me see what you got. Oh, yes! Look at you.
Now for my closer, this is what I do.
One, two, three, four, spin and grab.
Hey!
-Let's go! -I just wanna check.
'Cause there's almost certainly a pit bull.
Who the hell is that?
I got a pretty good idea.
Wait here and don't get seen. I will be right back.
-That's not a house. -I don't think any of these are houses.
- I just wanna kidnap somebody!
Hey. Can I help you gentlemen?
Hey, Chet, how are you?
What's up, man? You live here?
I volunteer here. Why you guys wearing klan robes?
- No, no, no.
No, see, our hoods are rounder. They're not pointy.
-This is eggshell. -It's a different shade of white.
-Totally different. -Totally different.
And besides, you know, our fraternity
actually pre-dates the klan by over a decade,
so the real question is why are they wearing our robes?
You know? Why are they wearing our robes?
Yeah, y'all wearing klan robes.
Okay, well, agree to disagree.
And, shifting gears, congratulations!
We're here because kappa Alpha chi
is officially giving you a bid.
We're here to kidnap you for initiation.
Ooh!
But, first, quick order of business here.
The university requires us to get your signature
on this consent form, basically just says
that you're comfortable with us
physically abducting you for the initiation.
-Sign there. -Okay, cool.
And then initial here for the robe.
-Mm-hmm. -Great, thank you.
And then down here
for the simulated kidnapping language.
-Sure. -Which will be harsh.
-There we go. -Perfect.
-Let's do this! -Put this on.
Whoa, o--
-you gotta- -where's that--
-the head is right there. -Give me your arm.
- Here we go! -All right!
Looks good on you! Red dress!
Okay, yeah, put the hood up here.
Yeah! Boom!
We should probably, uh, carry you to the car,
if you're comfortable with that, uh, we'll just lift you up.
Yeah, sure, let's do it.
Support the back! Support the back!
Oh, you know what?
We had a bit of a thing out front.
Is there a back entrance, by any chance?
-Yeah, right back there. -Perfect, great, thanks.
Let's go, motherfucker! We'll fucking gut you! Whoo!
See? It's just language.
Well, well, well.
Sorry, sorry. Here you go.
There's my wallet.
Take that shit off.
I got this.
Hey, we all cool, man.
We ain't trying to cause no ruckus, you feel me, dawgs?
I ain't feelin' shit, dawg. The fuck are you?
I'm Barack.
Barack.
-Like Barack Obama? -Exactly.
Except my man spells it a little differently.
Spells it differently how?
B-r-o-c-k.
That ain't no damn Barack. That's Brock!
The whitest fuckin' name in the universe!
Grand dragon here got a hearing problem?
Is that fucking pillow case worth your life, nigga?
Just take it off? Slide it off?
-Yeah, we should-- -yeah.
Del.
-Del? -It's a neighborhood nickname.
Buttersworth del barrio. They call me del for short.
What's up, trap, redbone, Willis, what's popping?
-What the hell is you doin', man? -It's not what it looks like.
Looks like you've got yourself caught up
in some racist fraternity bullshit.
Oh, okay, well, then, it's exactly what it looks like.
But let's just chill with the burners and stuff, man.
No need to get mad. Just trying to do a little thing
with my white friends here. Don't take offense to it.
The closest they ever been to a black man
-is retweeting kanye, so... -That's us.
Del.
Okay, Eddie.
How can I say no to dre's son?
All right.
But you boys best be on your way
before you run into somebody a little--
less understanding than me.
Yeah, okay, it was super nice meeting you, guys.
Yeah, and sorry for assuming about the wallets, no offense.
Oh, no, we're still gonna need those wallets.
Listen up, scumbags!
We about to see who has what it takes
to become a kappa Alpha chi brother.
Whatever you think is about to happen,
I promise you, it's worse.
As your pledge master, I'm--
eyes down! No eye contact! Look at me! Look at him!
Look at me! Look down! Never look at me.
You're not on my level.
I'm gonna make sure you weak fledglings
are run through that gauntlet...
So you're properly prepared...
For a lifelong brotherhood built on booze...
That pussy...
And general kick-assedness!
-First thing you slaves are gonna do is-- -trigger warning.
Sidebar.
Man, what the fuck, I was--
I'm not sure we should call the pledges slaves this year.
But we always call them slaves.
I know, but...
Don't you think this year feels little different?
You guys talking about the slave thing?
Yeah, I've always felt a teensy bit uncomfortable about that.
Yo, the word "slave" doesn't necessarily
have to refer to, like, civil war-era black slaves.
In fact, it's actually derived from the white slavic people
who were taken as slaves in the ninth century.
But that doesn't change the fact that in this day and age,
the word "slave" is a racially charged term
that harkens back to a truly disgraceful period
in this nation's history.
True, but isn't it more racist to change our traditions
simply 'cause we got a black pledge?
I am so glad we're finally having this discussion.
Let me talk to him.
-I-I'll talk to him. -You go talk to him.
-Hey, man, how's it going? -So far, so good, thank you.
Listen, just wanted to check in with you.
Some of the guys seem to pretty set on
referring to the pledges as slaves.
And I just sort of wanted to get your take on that as a, um--
well, I just wanted to get your take.
Keeping in mind that when we use the term,
we in no way mean, you know, 19th century,
cotton-picking slaves.
Just sort of a fake term of subservience.
Yeah, listen, i understand that I'm a pledge,
and there's certain things that come along with that,
but there's gonna be a problem
if you guys are calling me slave.
Say no more. Nope.
Okay, then!
First thing you pledges are gonna do is...
Get down on your hands and knees...
And clean the house with toothbrushes.
Amazing, this whole time,
I'm thinking it's gonna be a lot worse.
Like shaving each other's balls,
or like you guys branding us with irons,
or making us jerk off with hot sauce.
But cleaning the house with a toothbrush?
I'll do that no problem.
No problem, huh? All right.
This your toothbrush.
-Okay. -What do you think's gonna happen?
Oh, hey, little Princess. Wanna see the cave of treasures?
Oh...
Oh, there she go!
Oh, he's down there! Oh!
-That tickles a little. -What is wrong with you?
Oh, it's got the tongue scraper. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
-That's yours now. -Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh!
Yeah, let's comb your mustache. Come on now.
You're gonna clean with it, pledge!
I'm not gonna cl--
you take it!
You smell that? Smell your own shit.
Guys, any of y'all want me to clean the house with this?
-No. -Absolutely not.
Pledge buttersworth.
Yo, buttersworth.
Oh. Yo, what's up, Brock?
What's up, man! Come with me.
I got a special assignment for you.
Okay, after you.
Okay.
Now, most times, this area is for brothers only.
It's off-limits to lowly pledges such as yourself
without a proper escort.
Ugh, what is that smell?
That smell could be a number of things.
Could be beer or pussy, ball sweat, rat shit.
Or could be the Chad snyder memorial hot tub.
Mm, take it in.
Definitely that.
What is-- what is that?
Brother snyder was one of the best of us,
house president,
majoring in international relations,
2.8 grade point average, captain of the swim team.
-He died in this thing? -Yeah, he drowned, mm-hmm.
As the legend goes, brother snyder
was found in a fetid pool of hot tub water,
jell-o shots, and a lot of vomit.
Oh, s-smells like you haven't changed the water since.
- Of course we haven't.
That would disgrace our fallen brother.
-Of course. -Look, buttersworth,
I tried to give you a dirty toothbrush before,
and I'm sorry about that, okay, that was not cool of me.
-It wasn't. -So I got you a fresh one.
My man.
Uh-oh! I'm so clumsy.
But go ahead and get that for me, playa.
Whoo!
You-- you're evil.
Oh, shit, come on, buttersworth!
Oh, shit. Oh-- oh!
Son of a bitch.
Fuck, buttersworth! Settle down, man!
Just get the toothbrush and clean it!
- Dig deep!
Son of a bitch!
I hate my life.
You want me to start-- start from the bottom?
Just start cleaning.
You was so close to the money!
Yo, he didn't leave. He was watching the whole time.
So what else they have you do?
Did you have to do the elephant walk?
What's the elephant walk?
When you put one thumb in the guy's asshole
in front of you and then the other thumb in your mouth,
and when they yell "switch!," you switch.
So basically, you eat an ass-icle.
It's an urban legend.
Man, I ain't eating no ass-icle. I'm done with this, I'm out.
You can't put up with it a little longer?
-It's a lot of money. -And if my vote count for anything,
I say we stay on this particular project.
We? Juice, ain't no we, bro. It's been me!
Me in the frat house, me digging through some puke
trying to find a fucking toothbrush,
and what, you saying the elephant walk next?
I ain't doing that, bro.
We make one wrong move, they call the cops.
Who go to jail, you, Alicia? No, it's me.
Me in the cell next to my dad, family reunion in folsom.
I ain't no criminal like my father.
I've been doing this. Ain't no progress.
Let's face it, man, we not getting nothing out that house.
Did I just hear the son of Andre goodlow
decide to give up?
Oh, shit.
Uncle Leon.
I know that's not how my brother raised you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be out of jail
for at least one, two hundred years.
I decided it was time to make some lifestyle changes.
You broke out of prison?
Leon goodlow?
Am I seeing a ghost, or is that just wishful thinking?
Is that my best girl, Roberta?
I ain't a girl, and I ain't yours.
What the fuck are you doing here, Leon?
Maybe I'm here to finally charm your ass
into doing what we should've done a long time ago.
I'll remind you that I'm a good, Christian, married woman.
Not like dre's turning down dick in prison.
-Why should you? -What?
I'm gonna give you a moment to think long and hard
before you say any other nasty shit.
You don't want me to call the police on your fugitive ass.
-Oh, you would do that? -Oh, I would.
What you gonna tell them about what your boy's got into?
-Whatcha you been up to, del? -Nothing!
You just believe him just like that?
-Gimme a reason not to. -He's a liar?
-He's a felon? -Yeah.
You know what, ma, you got so much on your plate.
I'm gonna handle this since I'm the man of the house now--
-since when? -I'm-- I'm really--
-juice, shut up. -Ma, I'm sorry.
Just please, please, I'm begging, let me handle this.
All right, I'll let you handle it.
-Okay. -But if I find out
you been up doing anything to bring shame on my household,
del, you will no longer be a part of that household.
You got me?
-Yes, ma'am. -Out on your ass.
-Can-- can i-- -shut your mouth, juice.
Leon.
Roberta.
So, y'all get my money yet?
- Money? -What?
-Money? -What is he talking about?
-I know I'm broke. -I got, um--
-i got chapstick. -You could use some.
The bottom lip a little ashy.
Yeah, okay, okay, i get it.
See, you hang with stupid,
so you assume everybody's stupid.
But not me.
See, after i attained my freedom,
I drove by the old place where me and your father
stashed our money, and guess what?
They turned that shit into motherfucking fraternity!
-Really? -Yeah!
-Wow. -Now that was a surprise.
-But you know what was a shock? -What's that?
When I saw my ghetto-ass nephew
walking out of that fraternity like he fucking belonged there!
Uh, me? Oh, y-- oh, yeah!
It slipped my mind, i had went back to go to school
and the guys was cool,
but there's money in the basement?
I didn't know there was money there.
Okay, let me get this straight.
Okay? Just to make it clear.
You got all studied up on your sats and shit.
Yeah, I did get an 800 on my sats.
It's out of 1,600, motherfucker.
I'm gonna take the second half later.
Then magically, you came up with the money
to attend one of the most expensive-ass schools
in the country, and then on a whim
joined a fraternity that just so happened
to be at the same address as the place
where we stashed our money after the bank job?!
Is that right?!
You know what? This the problem.
This exactly why young black men can't achieve
greatness in this country, because of the doubters.
-Preach. -The haters.
This is the first goodlow to go to college.
You can't you be happy for your nephew for just one minute?
Okay, but you gotta admit.
That's a crazy coincidence, ain't it?
-Little bit. -Yeah, it's crazy.
-It's crazy. -It's crazy.
Where's my money, del?!
Shit, okay, okay, uncle Leon, just chill.
If you gonna blast me, then blast me,
but that don't change the fact that I don't got the money.
-Oh, shit. -Oh, okay. Okay.
This your girlfriend?
Nope.
I mean... She do be liking
my pictures on instagram late at night, so....
You ever seen somebody get they face blown apart, del?
I have.
Now ask yourself, do you want this
to be the last memory of this girl right here?
'Cause that shit that sticks with you, believe.
All right, look, I've--
I've been trying to get the money.
But it hasn't been easy. I'm pledging the house.
But these guys, they're intense, you know what I'm saying?
They never go to sleep, but I'm real close.
Just gimme a few more days, and I'll have your money.
I just need more time, all right?
All right, I'll give you two days to do your thing.
Two days and two nights or just a flat--
-two days! -All right.
If you don't get it, I'm gonna go in there my damn self.
Maybe your way, those kappa gamma bitches
won't get they dicks shot off.
-Oh. -Hmm?
Now I'm gonna go in here
with your sexy-ass momma
and see if she make me some of her world-famous sassy eggs.
Come on, man.
What, juice?
Does this affect my 5%?
Alcohol! Alcohol!
My baby brought me a beer! That's a good baby!
He looks like me a little bit, right?
--Suck it.
- Suck it!
Okay, so my thing is I can always tell
when they don't use real dinosaurs in movies.
-Pledge buttersworth! -Oh, shit!
What are you doing in here, man?
You should be out there with the other babies.
Yeah, I just wanna use the bathroom real quick.
What do you think that diaper's for?
No, I'm just playing, no!
But there's no bathroom in there, man.
That's the basement. There's no need to go in there.
Listen, man, sometimes i just need a place to think,
like, clear my thoughts, and I just thought down there
would be best.
I get it, man.
I know this hazing stuff is exhausting.
Yeah, so exhausting.
-Degrading. -You got me in a diaper.
I know it's silly, man.
But once you make it through this,
we're brothers, family,
tell each other secrets, watch each other's backs.
So you gonna join this family?
Yeah, man. I'm gonna do it.
Okay.
Right after i hit this basement.
Man, what you talking about? Get out there with the babies.
Come on, man! Do the baby walk, though.
Do that-- do that baby walk. There it go.
-Ay, hit it, work, yeah. -Million dollars.
Glad we had this talk, man.
- Great talk.
Listen up, babies!
You may think pledging is all diapers,
binkies, and verbal abuse...
...but it's also about giving back to the community.
So our red hot bros and filthy rich females
charity gala is coming up, and you dirtbags,
along with our beautiful selves are gonna be auctioned off
to the highest bidders from our sister sorority--
-trigger warning! -Whoa, whoa, t.W., t.W.
What's that, pledge buttersworth?
I'm sorry, i just thought I heard him say
that you guys were gonna auction us off?
Well, yeah, in order to raise money
for local charities, you'll be auctioned off--
-oh, I hear it now. -Oh, shit, not again.
Come on, man! You can't be serious!
Oh, I'm sorry, Brock, if you and I have
a slightly different reaction to the idea of us being
auctioned off to rich white people
outside of a plantation house.
Okay, let's bro-dle. Hey, bro-dle.
No way he's getting out of this.
Hey, look, I knew a black guy growing up,
and he was not like this, man.
You could say anything you wanted to him.
Yeah, he even let me touch his hair.
Okay, yeah.
-Buttersworth? -Yeah.
You don't have to be auctioned off.
We're gonna make you the auctioneer.
It'll be empowering!
Yeah, yeah, i guess that works.
It's an affirmative auction.
I am a master.
I play white guilt like Michael Jordan plays basketball.
I'm talking like Stevie wonder plays the piano.
Okay, so you're the auctioneer.
-Mm-hmm. -So what?
So since that I'm in charge of the proceedings...
Don't mess this up, pledge!
...i can keep them busy while you guys go look for the money.
Now, my great-great-great- great-granddaddy
would love to hear me say this.
Get your billfolds out
'cause we buying white people today!
Yeah! Make some noise!
First, we're gonna need to figure out
a way to get you into the party.
How about having tits and a pulse?
That'll work.
Once everyone's outside, juice, you're gonna slip
into the basement and make your move.
The longer I can keep the auction going,
the more time it buys us to look for the money.
Come on!
I'll make sure the tools are down there waiting for you.
- - Oh! Whoa.
Oh, y-- oh. Ah, yeah. That's your spot right there.
Brother Clarke here is actually an amazing impressionist.
-No. -Yes, got some impressions for us, don't you?
-I do not. -Um...
Whoo!
You're a little tight.
Okay, you-- you kinda like my ex.
It's kinda hard to find your spot, but I'm gonna find you.
Why don't you try someone that everybody knows?
Like Denzel Washington, you know, put your shoulders up.
"Okay, all right, huh? What, are we at an auction?
What, are we gonna buy white people?
That's what you telling me?
You telling me you gonna buy white people?
What type of white people are we gonna buy, huh?"
I don't think i should do that.
And now let's get brother Ben to the stage,
ladies and gentlemen, Ben!
Oh, come on, bro, that's not cool.
What are you talking about, man? Drawing dicks is always funny.
You ladies know our resident sexpert, brother Eddie.
I'd like to dedicate this first move
to an invention that changed the face of modern warfare...
And sexuality.
It's called the gatling gun.
It works best if she's bow-legged.
Am I right, Sarah? Wink face.
Maybe Mike Tyson, famous boxer?
"I got these-- i got these pigeons here.
And we put these pigeons together and we make them kiss."
Yeah, no, definitely not that one.
I give you...
The pinwheel.
Do you know any comedians? Do you know bill cosby?
I could maybe try that.
Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, bill cosby.
"You see...
When... She eats the pud-ding,
you put the quaaludes in the pud-ding
and then she eats the pud-ding,
and she gets sleepy with the pud-ding.
And then you climb on top of her
and you put in your black penis--"
oh, no, no, no, you d-- wha--
guys, um, Clarke, anybody wanna bid on Clarke?
I'm through playing motherfucking games with you!
Right now! Done playing games, uh-huh!
Yeah! You brought it on yourself!
- Okay, okay.
Oh! Oh, my-- these white boys got rats.
Are they keeping them as pets? Where'd it go?
And finally...
A very special move taught to me
by a very special woman.
Thanks, mom. This is called the pile driver.
Be careful. It's rough on the spine.
Good job, Eddie!
All right, come on, someone's gotta find that appealing.
And now a man who used a macklemore Lyric
as his yearbook quote, brother Brock with a freestyle.
Okay, okay, all right, all right, okay.
Brock in the building, and I'm feeling fly.
Tux like James Bond, got that golden eye.
Bars on bars like the candy shop.
Bid on me, girls, I'll make your panties drop.
Okay, once you go Brock, you might never go back.
Make your body numb like a heart attack.
Okay, here's your chance, so pull the trigger.
Put it down on you 'cause I'm a dope-ass--
the fuck am I supposed to say to that?
Wait, did you forget about me?
Why am I there?
You're gonna bid on Brock.
He's been on me since I got there.
I just need you to keep him out the basement.
I'm not fucking him.
-What? No, no, no. -No!
Never. Don't do that ever.
-You want me to fuck him? -What?
It's a million dollars!
Yeah, but you are only making 50k.
For 50 gs, my list of not-dos is pretty short.
Okay, walk it back a step.
You want me to win him in the auction, right?
- Yeah. -What am I winning him with?
We're broke.
36, 38-- oh, I got a scratcher.
Wait a minute.
We got 38.
$42 and 68 cents.
How is that gonna be enough?
I'll make it be enough.
$20.
$25.
-$25. -$30!
-35! -$35!
40!
Forty... two.
$50!
$42 going once!
I just said 50!
$42 going twice!
-50! -Sold to the women in the red dress!
Are you, deaf, asshole?!
This is not how auctions work, dumbass.
Nice work, buttersworth.
Hey, go get 'em.
So. I haven't seen you around before.
Yeah, well, we should talk. It's a nice night.
You wanna go for a walk?
Nah, I got something special for you.
Follow me.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna tear this mother down.
Uh-huh, yeah! Yeah!
Oh, found you.
Oh, yeah, i found the money!
I found the--
so I had one of my clueless pledges
clean this place with a toothbrush!
Actually, let's go for a drink at the bar out back.
-No, no, no, no, no. -Let's get out of here.
The thing is I got us all covered.
-Okay, I'm coming. -Come on.
I got us covered down here.
-You bid on me, right? -That's right.
Voila, I whipped up this little surprise
just for the occasion.
Wow.
You did all of this?
-That's impressive. -Yeah.
Let's get out of here, I'm feeling claustrophobic.
Whoa, whoa, there's no need to be so anxious.
You want to talk, let's talk.
Let's talk.
Let's get to know each other better.
What are you looking at--
-you. -Your titties?
Yeah, I'm looking at you.
This is dope.
So, uh...
Feel like maybe a lap dance?
Sure. Oh, yeah.
Go ahead.
No, I meant you give me one.
A man giving a woman a lap dance...
It's an instant panty dropper.
What?
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
All you can handle.
-Yeah? -Okay, all right.
You're on some feminism shit.
Got the empowered woman. Well, bring it, girl.
--Okay. Here we go.
Whoo!
Yeah, already getting so sexy.
So good. Keep doing it.
-Yeah, you like that? -Getting super wet over it.
Yeah, tell me what you want, baby.
Just keep looking at me. Oh, my god.
-Whoo! Okay! -Love it. Yeah.
Take something off.
-Whoo! Yeah! -So hot.
-See that belly button? -Flash it again.
-Oh? Oh. -Yeah, oh, my god.
-I love it. -Yeah, it's an innie-outie.
It's like in, but it's out. Whoo!
Keep facing towards me, yeah.
Oh, my, oh!
Oh, my god, so dangerous!
Yeah, it's like Justin beiber and Austin powers
had a baby, and it's you.
-Oh, that's my belly button! -Oh, my god, get it off!
And there are your pants coming off.
Oh, my god. Oh, my-- it's so hot.
Yeah, do that thing. What is that?
-Is that a dab? -That's called the dab.
That's so good.
And then I'll dab it over here.
-No! -Shit, ow, girl!
Yeah, face down, ass up.
That's the way we like to fuck!
You filthy, girl. I love it.
-Yeah? -Yeah, all right.
Man, this like a new experience for me.
I feel both degraded and empowered.
Is that what it's like to be a woman?
You still there, baby? Oh!
Keep your face away.
Yeah, I'm a bad boy. I think I need to be spanked.
-Spanked? -Ooh!
-Yeah? -Go on. I've been a bad boy.
Punish me, girl!
I'm so bad. Put something on it, girl.
I'm ready.
Ooh! Fuck! Shit! That stings!
You're insane, girl! Mm! I'm sorry!
God...
I'm in charge here. I clearly can't trust you.
I'm gonna have to tie you up.
-Yeah. -Keep facing the wall, bitch.
Tighter, baby. Ooh.
-Time for the blindfold. -Oh, oh, yeah.
--Mm-hmm.
-Yeah. -Like that?
Yes, ma'am, damn.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, it's kind of wet.
Yeah?
Y-yeah.
How do you think it got that way?
Okay.
You pungent as you is beautiful, okay.
But now it's my turn, all right?
Okay, yeah. Yeah.
I'm in charge now.
Look, I know you're not used to this,
but I'm a brother who's not afraid
to go down on a girl.
Yeah?
So you just go ahead and you hike that skirt up
and get some ready for some heaven, okay?
- Here we go.
--You excited, okay, girl.
-I get it. Oh! -Ooh! So excited.
Oh, damn you, like, got it all '70s and shit.
Yeah.
I can dig it natural.
-Oh. -Don't stop, oh, yeah.
You ever had someone beatbox?
Keep going all night, baby.
Don't stop for any... Reason.
Oh, shit, your pussy's squeaking a little bit.
Here we go, here we go. Hey, what's up, everybody?
Hey, we got the money--
no, hey, no snapchat, no instagram, no nothing, man.
How's your phone even working?
Ya'll ain't got no boost mobile?
This shit waterproof!
All right, man, stop with the pictures.
Open that shit up, let's see what we got.
Get it, baby!
How does it smell? How does it feel?
Okay.
We got a blockbuster DVD of encino man.
-Say what? -Yep, take a look.
Oh, we got a mix tape, the "big Booty grind" mix.
Big Booty grind? The fuck is that?
-We got a zima. -The money, look--
-oh, it's a note. -What?
"Dear kappa Alpha chi brothers of the future.
We are burying this time capsule in the wall of our house
in hopes that you will one day uncover it
and see how your ancestors partied.
What is the future like? Are there blow-job robots?"
A fucking time capsule?
What's a time capsule?
No money?
Everybody gonna get their dick shot off.
I do love encino man, though.
-Yo, yo, del-- -fuck!
Shit! Fuck! Fuck!
Man, this is your car!
Gimme that thing! Fuck this shit!
We tried. It's over.
Maybe it's not, man.
If we got in the basement once, we can get in there again.
How? We barely got in there tonight.
Uncle Leon's gonna track us down, and it's over.
What don't y'all get?
I'm done with this shit, for real this time.
Wow.
Del goodlow not following through on something.
I can't believe it.
And what's that supposed to mean?
You've never seen anything through in your whole life.
But then your dad told you about the money,
and I saw a side of you I've never seen before.
You were taking charge.
Coming up with plans,
trying to do right by your mom, charming your way
into a rich frat house.
I mean, for a second there?
I was actually impressed by you.
You know, I thought you were doing this
to save those friends of yours from Leon,
but if you're giving up, then I guess not.
I mean, what do you care, right?
Least you got your sneakers and weed.
You think I don't care?
I got more at stake in this than both of y'all.
What am I supposed to do, huh, go in there with a bat
over uncle Leon's skull?
-What's that gonna get me? -A broken bat, most likely.
He's-- he's pretty solid.
Look, Alicia, I'm not backing down.
I just don't know how to go forward either.
There they are! I hope you don't mind.
I got in a few reps while I was waiting.
So... what's it gonna be?
Money bags or a body bags?
W-well, definitely not the body bags.
But, uh, we-- we ran into some problems.
Long s-- you don't wanna hear the story.
But we don't have the money right now, so...
No, no, no, don't reach back there.
You don't need the gun.
-That is disappointing. -Look, like I said before,
we tried to get the money, and we failed.
You can't win 'em all, am I right?
Relatable? Put the gun down.
You know how many times in my life I said "i tried"?
Say like maybe ten? Ten, fifteen--?
Never! Are you crazy?!
I got a mind to teach your ass a lesson.
No, no lesson-- let's just teach--
ooh, don't touch my gun. Don't ever touch my gun.
Okay, not touching the gun. Just touching your finger.
Touching a gun's like touching a man's dick.
-Don't touch my gun. -He said it's his dick!
-I'm not touching the gun. -You're touching the gun.
-Agh! -He shot him!
I told you don't touch the gun, man!
Shot me in the toe!
You kill us, you not gonna get no money.
So let me go back to the house, and let me get the money.
24 hours, that's all I need. 24 hours.
How do I know you ain't gonna just gonna fuck up?
There goes my sandal game!
Do I look like I'm gonna fuck up?
Ah, man, he ain't gonna fuck up. He ain't gonna fuck up.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
You know what?
I believe you.
-Okay, whoa. -You know what?
For the first time,
you actually look like your father's son.
I'm proud of you.
All right. All right, motherfuckers!
- 24 hours for your ass!
And then I'm gonna come, snatch up your mama,
and ride her sweet ass outta here.
Come on with the mama stuff, man.
--You all right?
I would be better if I wasn't shot!
Juice, come on, man, 50 cent got shot nine times.
You got shot in your pinky toe, acting like a bitch.
Shit hurt, okay?!
It's just a graze, come on.
About to lose a leg!
You're fine. What's the play?
I don't know a play, okay? You heard what he said.
If I don't have the money, he's gonna come back,
he's gonna shoot us, he's gonna go to the frat house
and kill everybody there, what am I supposed to do?
I need some anesthesia.
You know what, matter of fact,
shoot me in the head like a horse, put me down.
Wait, wait, wait, yeah, yeah, that's it.
-No, no! -No, no, no, not put him down.
Put him to sleep. Can you get roofies?
What? You know what? I'm insulted right now.
That you would think that I'm the roofie guy.
Next time I need roofies, I'll present it
in a more diplomatic way, but for now,
can you get me roofies, yes or no?
Yeah, of course.
Gentlemen, welcome to your final night of pledge-ship.
I know this ain't been an easy time for y'all.
Been especially hard on some of you.
And we had to make it hard on you
because what you're about to step into is so great.
Brotherhood.
Built on loyalty...
Honesty... trust.
And booze and pussy.
I love these guys, man.
And now, in the grand tradition
of our esteemed forefathers who preceded us,
we will seal the bond of brotherhood
through the drinking of the ceremonial punch
consisting of grain alcohol, store-brand fruit punch,
and a little bit of liquid thc.
Who wants to step up?
To loyalty...
Trust...
And honesty.
With that, we'd like to welcome you former shitbags
as our brothers.
Kappa Alpha chi for life!
I think we might have gone heavy
on the t... h...
C.
I think I'm good.
This escalator's broken.
That punch was strong.
Okay, um...
Work. Work. Gotta get to work.
I don't know why. I don't know why.
I don't know why we--
we doing this.
Wait... He's here's somewhere.
Ahh.
Sarah loves Russell.
Who the fuck is Russell!
Money, listen, I just wanna talk to you.
What are you doing down here, pledge?
-Don't you know who I am? - Who the fuck are you?
You dumb son of a bitch. I'm you, motherfucker.
Nigga, you me?
Go on now, hit that shit.
We in this together, huh? Goddamn.
It's in the wall. I'm looking in the wall!
You're right, Brock. Dicks are funny.
Whoa, whoa, what are you doing, del? Get back to work.
Hello? Where are you?
I will find you, money, and I will spend you.
You son of a bitch.
Come on.
I got the money! I got the money!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
I got the money!
I got the--
no, I got the money, motherfucker!
Where is he?
-He should've been back here by now. -I don't know.
I can't really guesstimate how long it takes
to knock out a room full of white boys,
snatch a million dollars, and drive all the way
to this neighborhood in Thursday traffic.
Evening, dummies.
Here's the traitor.
What the fuck did you do, buttersworth?!
I didn't do nothing! I was knocked out!
We got roofied. Everyone else is still out.
While we were out, someone jacked all our shit!
Took our weed, our cash, everything!
You doubted me about this, then look what happened!
-I knew you were up to something! -I wasn't up to nothing.
You guys always talking about brotherhood,
having each other's back through thick and thin.
Something crazy happens, this how y'all act?
Come on.
You're not my brother. You're a fucking thief.
I'm not a thief.
I would never steal y'all's shit.
But I think I know who did.
So what I'll do is I'll go get it for y'all.
And I'll come right back, 'cause where I'm from,
that's what brothers do, we have each other's back.
So just ease up.
Hey. You're not going anywhere.
At least not by yourself.
A kappa Alpha chi brother never stands alone,
so if you're going, we're going.
Come on!
Well, that's great. That's real cute.
I think I'm gonna handle this one on my own.
You guys just chill here, all right?
I don't think so, buttersworth.
You don't have to do anything on your own anymore.
You're kappa Alpha chi now.
You guys don't understand. This guy is real.
Trust me, he's dangerous.
Y'all just stay here and chill. I got this.
Not a chance.
These guys are right.
We got your back.
We're family now, right?
Kappa Alpha chi for life.
All right. Kappa Alpha chi for life.
You know there's, like, a bunch of dicks on your face?
-Like a bunch. -Yeah, there's a lot of 'em.
98...
Ooh...
100. Now, now, Berta.
I got a lot of money here.
I can make you happy.
I'll get you anything you want.
We'll make a life together.
I don't want your dirty money, Leon.
I'm fine with my life just as it is.
We just got the phone back on. Thinking about a second line.
Where's my son?
Woman, how am I gonna focus on getting up in that pussy
when all you can talk about is what came out of it?
I think I can get us out of here.
Go ahead, you got that?
Oh, you got soft hands. I never noticed.
You shut up. You shut up.
You shut the fuck up.
You guys hang out by the back door and wait for the signal.
Okay, yeah, totally.
Yeah, what's the signal, though?
Bro, I told you, it's "man."
-Man. Man. -Man. Man.
-Like-- like, "man!" -Man. Man.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Fuck you, Berta!
You just missed out on the greatest dick you ever known!
Um, black Mr. clean!
I heard 'roids make your dick small!
What the fuck did you just say to me?
Uh--
you and this bitch are just lucky to be alive!
Oh, you gonna be sorry you said that.
We-- we-- we cool. It's cool.
I'm sorry. I apologize.
Get your ass back!
Motherfuckers have tried and died
sneaking up on Leon goodlow!
You make out anything he's saying?
Not really.
Sounds like when a chick's telling you about her childhood
while she's eating out your asshole.
Dude.
That is exactly what it sounds like.
Oh, shit.
- Everybody likes butt stuff.
You still have balls on your chin.
What the fuck are you doing?!
Okay, okay, Leon. Leon!
Just put the crowbar down and I will come with you.
Leave del out of this. Del, step aside.
No, mom, I got this, all right? Time for me to stand my ground.
I said it's time I be a man!
I-it's time I be a man!
Be a man then. What?
I said it's time for me to a man!
Right now!!
Bro, did you see that video that said that Tupac
is alive and working with the illuminati?
-Aaliyah and left eye, too. -Yeah, and it's all true.
It's right there on the Internet.
It's like they're not even trying to cover it up.
Wait, wait, wait. You guys hear that?
--Yo, that sounds like a gat.
Good ears, dawg.
It's time for me to be a man!
I need to be a m-a-a-an!!
Baby, are you having a stroke?
Come on, man, please don't rob us again.
My dad was on the phone with the bank for hours
getting new credit cards, hassle factor's--
-do I look like I fucking care? -No.
I warned y'all not to come back here.
Y--
I got this.
Well...
You wanna be a man.
All I see is a little boy about to piss himself.
Get your ass over there.
You trying to play me?! You trying to play me?!
Hey, call your boy off, man!
We know we were supposed to wait for your signal
to come and help you, but we couldn't hear
your signal, and now we need help. Oh--
hold on, hold on. Is that him?
Is that the fucker that took our shit?
-He's huge! -Show some respect, little homie.
That is Leon goodlow, son. Ghetto legend.
Hood hall of fame, motherfucker!
This thug right here is a-no good low-life
and he's the type that I do not associate myself with.
Don't associate with?
Ask yourself if you've ever seen your friend here
in class or doing homework?
I maintain a solid gpa.
What I do on my own time is my own business, thank you.
On your own time? Snooping around their basement?
I'm kappa Alpha chi, motherfucker, what's good?!
Kappa Alpha chi!
Tell them who the fuck you are!
Okay, you got the gun right there.
Guys, just real quick. I'm-a keep it 100 with you.
My real name is del goodlow, okay?
I'm not a college student. I lied about that.
I just did it so I could get into your frat
and take the money that my uncle and father
stashed there years ago, so that's the whole truth.
Oh, my god! I told you! I told you!
I to-o-ld you! I told you! I told you!
I told you, like, six times this that n-n--
new... guy was up to something!
Yes, okay, obviously he looks exactly
like that fire inspector who came to our house,
but I couldn't say that then!
And, yes, it does seem a little fishy in retrospect
that he kept offering to remodel our basement.
I bet you're not even a licensed contractor.
No, I'm not.
You're an asshole.
How much money we talking about here, del?
Ain't no big deal.
Just a little something left over from an old job.
A little money?
That's a million dollars in there!
-Right? -Nigga, a million dollars?!
I thought you didn't want no dirty money!
Shit, my morals start get real flexible
around the mid-six figures.
You know, legally speaking,
depending on how long that's been in our basement,
we may technically own it thanks to something
called adverse possession.
Pre-law.
Lucky for me, I don't give a shit about the law.
-Okay. -So give me the fuckin' money.
Whatever happened to me being a ghetto legend?
Still true.
But...
Million dollars, bro.
Not to mention the shine my reputation gonna get
if I take out a bad-ass motherfucker like yourself.
I respect that.
But you ain't getting that shit. I earned that.
However...
I think you might enjoy the contents of that bag.
Just some odds and ends i managed
to relieve these boys of earlier.
Get about 20 gs for that shit.
That's real nice of you, Leon. Real nice.
Be even nicer, though, if you just...
Handed over the rest now, too, hmm?
Ooh-ee!
Oh, look like you got us in a mess now, del, huh?!
Ain't nobody leaving this motherfucker
until there's some blood on the floor!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to everyone.
I know you guys are pissed, and you got every reason to be.
But you gotta understand why I did what I did.
Okay, I did it for my moms.
I did it to help save this place.
Uncle Leon, come on, man, remember when you and my dad
helped start this gym, remember how proud you were,
how proud you were to get these kids off the streets?
Turned my life around.
And guys, I'll admit when I first met y'all,
I thought you were a bunch of overprivileged ignorant assholes
with tiny hands standing between me and what I needed.
But I misjudged y'all. Y'all are family.
Y'all are brothers.
I really believe what Brock said earlier.
Family has each other's back,
no matter what, even if they fuck up.
Whether that family name is kappa Alpha chi...
Kappa Alpha chi.
...or goodlow.
Fuck you, del.
Ain't no sentimental conflict resolution bullshit
gonna work on me, nigga.
Well, fuck you, too then!
Agh! Shot me in the ass!
Shut up! Barely grazed your ass.
Oh, it hurts. It hurts.
-I told you it hurts. - Ooh!
Enough!
You know what, del,
when I found out your father had told you
about the money, my first thought--
oh, shit!
Goddamn it, del!
How many times did I tell you to fix
the motherfucking air conditioner?!
Whoo!
So there you go.
Good things do happen in the hood.
My moms got to keep the gym, baby,
and there was still plenty of money to go around.
Here you go, boys. Sorry about the basement.
So now we got a family and we got a business.
And even though our insurance payments tripled,
I made sure your boy juice got a job.
Juice, you know your workman's comp
doesn't cover stupid, right?
Why did you climb a ladder so that you could bend down?
-Oh, what up, neighbor? -What up!
All the fellas at kappa Alpha chi
learned how to do some real charity work for a change.
Let's practice! Come on, let's glove up!
And trap, well, he was happy to be back in the gym
and part of the family again.
We even gave him a job-- collections.
Yeah, we missing out on some serious loot, baby.
We need to get that back.
And pops must have heard the news,
'cause I changed our number twice and he still calling.
This is del's gym. Leave a message.
Man, answer the damn phone! It's me! It's dre!
Nigga, I swear you dead
if you make that gym a damn crossfit.
--Hello?
Feels good to give back to the community, doesn't it?
Fo' sho'.
-Yeah. - Okay, there she is!
Why don't you start with them toilets, Barack?
I deserve that.
Make that happen.
Oh, and one last thing.
Wow, they came back alive and fully conscious.
Impressive.
If you think that's impressive...
Del! Stop macking on the staff
and install the new air conditioner.
I gotta go to class in, like, 30 minutes.
Just have juice do it.
No!
Damn.
You ain't strong, college man.
Yo, yo!
Just tap out if you want a real man to step in.
Mind your business, Reggie!
-You think this is? -Your loss.
Oh!
Man, bach, we don't win a kids choice award,
this is some bullshit.
Y'all just gonna let him kick me in my ass?
Fucking time capsule!
Is that too much? Did I overdo it?
My boy!
Don't fucking fall asleep on me when I'm sitting here
trying to be a Mr. Rogers or a Dr. Phil.
And I don't know what you keep looking up
at that big St. Bernard for. He only want a donut.
I can smack him upside the head
and throw a donut on the ground.
He gonna have to make a decision.
-What you think he gonna go for? -He gonna go for the donut.
The motherfuckin' donut.
I think I have it.
Okay, she got it.
No, I don't.