"For life."
No one wants anything "for life."
It just reminds us of our impending death.
I pledge allegiance...
The etymology of the word "betroth" comes from the word "pledge."
Americans pledge allegiance a myriad of times during their life
and then proceed to throw a happy meal out the car window.
"Betroth" is a word from the 1500s.
I mean, the bloody ming dynasty was still around.
Our problem is, we live too long.
I mean, if we were all dying at 45, then fine, yeah, of course.
Go get yourself betrothed.
But now we insist on doing pilates colonic retreats
and vitamin drips,
convicting ourselves to a dreadfully long existence
with one partner for half a bloody century.
What do we do, collectively as a species?
Die younger or, a far less painful fate,
rethink the system.
I choose life.
I hate that he died. They were kind of a cute couple.
Yeah. You know?
At least one of them got out of it alive.
Shh.
Thank you, Janet.
Who was that?
And now Hamish's first and second wives
will read the lyrics to "come away with me" by Norah Jones.
Excuse me.
So, what is the point?
Children? Sure. We marry to procreate.
Yet these precious progeny are the very reason for your marriage's demise.
Money? Of course.
It's cheaper to conjoin funds,
cohabit, joint costco cards, tax breaks.
Yet still, finances are the number-one culprit for severed vows.
Cruel business.
What else then?
Definitely not the sex.
Companionship?
Boredom? Religion?
And then there's love.
We marry for love?
Don't be daft.
Love is not sustainable. Nor is marriage.
Oh. Mel. Somebody over there.
Hi. Hello.
Um, I have two questions, uh, for you.
Um-- speak up a little.
Um, the first question is,
why did you choose vero beach, uh, to make your project?
Um, and "b" is, uh, I loved your film tween jungle so much,
and I just, uh, admire that you dedicated your life to the arts.
Both great questions. Thank you.
Uh, why vero?
Well, my new project will delve into the social theorems
presented to amend the architecture of marriage,
that it should be a seven-year contract with an option to renew,
and that's what I'm gonna be concentrating on here in Florida,
the divorce capital of America.
So, you proud inhabitants of this swinging state,
I am going to get down on one knee and propose,
will you accept that marriage is dead?
I'm not actually going to get down on one knee. That was a sort of metaphor.
Oh, Noah, how can you not remember?
It was the woman, Vivian prudeck.
She's the one who did that amazing documentary, tween jungle.
And there was that one scene with all those baboons
dancing all angsty to nirvana.
I'll never forget that image. Guess who jumped ship, by the way?
Moses wolper, my own goddamn godfather,
prefers crappy prefab bullshit from rightnowblinds.Com.
Anyway, it's just incredible-- unbelievable.
That she's coming to vero. Where's the loyalty?
You should've seen her speech. She was so riveting.
Really. She commanded this whole audience.
She was funny and charismatic.
She's looking for couples for her new-- I'm sorry. Who's doing what?
You are not serious, are you? You're not listening to me at all, are you?
Oh, dear. Is there another leak? Yeah. Of course there is.
But at least we get our plants watered instead of ruining the goddamn carpet.
Why don't we just call the sorensen's kid to fix the roof?
We can't do that. Why not? You still don't trust him?
He was 13 when he drove the lawn mower into the river.
No, I forgave him for that. It's just, it's 800 bucks, and we don't have that. Okay?
We need to do a standard line.
Doing a standard line is not gonna change the fact that rightnowblinds.Com is so easy.
Who's side are you on? I-I'm sorry.
We're basically broke. We gotta get creative.
Listen. I have an idea. Yeah?
Yeah.
I think we need to change our slogan. No.
Listen. Just hear me out. I like "blindful thinking."
It's got a nice ring to-- it was dad's thing. Honey, I know that.
I just-- I have some really great ideas, i think,
'cause I think we can make it a little more modern.
So just hear me out. Okay.
Um--
blinded by the light.
What about that? Mmm.
We don't blind people. That would be bad. No. It was sort of cool.
Um, what about, uh, blinders keepers?
Okay. Okay, so-- you don't like that one.
But, uh-- who's blind is it anyway?
Come on. Is that modern? I think it's kinda groovy and cool.
I'll write them down so that you can really see them.
It's sometimes easier to see it visually.
You know what you should do? Blind your own business.
-Oh, that's good. -No, that's not good. Don't write that down.
"Blind your own business."
When you see it written it looks quite good.
You are ovulating.
What is that? It's an app.
Wha-- it--
see, the green days are "fertile."
You have an-- you have an app on your phone for my ovaries?
Um... well, yeah.
It's pretty cool, right?
So... Oh.
Um...
Maybe...
Well-- I see. Oh, um...
I do have to pee, so I might be able to come.
Just for fun. Yeah.
Um... Can I smell your breath?
Oh, Noah, please don't make me do that.
Come on. Come on.
God, I love the way your breath smells after you work out.
Oh, don't say that.
That just reminds me of our "be more active to improve our sex life" talk.
That really makes me self-conscious.
Because I'm doing my best. I know.
I just lack hand-eye coordination.
I did the tennis clinic today. No.
Listen, you are very good at hacky sack.
You're just saying that.
Hey.
Meet me in the bathroom...
In five.
Okay?
Don't know if I need fi-five minutes to get there, hon.
W-watch it. Watch it. Noah? That actually hurt.
Oh. Turn around. Put your right leg up. Just be gentle.
Oh, no! Poo, poo, poo.
Oh, gosh, who doesn't--
who doesn't flush after taking a number two? That's unreasonable.
I'm sorry. I just-- I thought--
there we go.
No, there's poo in there.
Well, it's a toilet.
I know. I just--
I just don't want to bring life into this world over poo.
Beans on toast.
Convention.
Man meets woman.
Convention.
Tweens hating their parents.
Convention. You're so annoying!
Follow the fearless journey of four species, four adolescents,
four hemispheres of the earth in the...
Tween jungle.
Why would you do that, Mel?
That's quite an aggressive act, stapling my face like that.
Sorry. If I don't eat something soon, i am gonna murder someone.
And given your proximity, it's in your interest to help me.
We are in front of a diner. Oh, yes! Well done, Mel.
Might have a shandy tonight after all.
Oh! That bastard!
Breathe in the light, viv.
Breathe in the light.
I don't really want to speak to you anymore.
I think about you all the time. Well, that's rich.
Considering you disposed of me like a rain-drenched newspaper in a ditch of shit.
Stop yelling, please. Don't order me around, Richard.
Is she there, the horse-training munter? Name's pippa.
Oh, no, sorry. The equestrian wrangler. Don't answer that.
I want you to come home. I miss you. Well, I don't care!
I think you do. No, I don't give a toss. And neither do you.
How's the project going? It's going very well, actually.
Is it then? Is that a lighter I hear? You're not smoking?
No, I'm not smoking. I can hear you smoking.
It's not good for your face. Currently I've got too many couples to choose from.
Is that right? Okay. Good for you, girl. No, it's good. It's therapeutic.
Is it then? All these strangers reminding me
why you're so fucking predictable!
How's Richard?
He sounds really well, actually.
1.4 is more than reasonable. Period.
After all, comma,
won't it feel great to finally get rid of
that gator-infested property-- question mark.
Again, comma, so...
Sorry about your bichon frise.
Exclamation point. Must have been a horrific sight.
Exclamation point. Exclamation point.
Um, if you wou--
ah.
Hi.
Mmm-mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.
Is it too sexy?
Almost too sexy.
Harvey, am i a gay man in the '60s looking to bone?
-All right, fine. -I mean, come on.
You know what? You wanna be a goddamn pill, be a goddamn pill.
I'd rather take one than be one.
What? What did you just say?
I said I'd rather take one than be one.
Why does everything gotta be a quip, a little dig?
It's-- it's-- it's unpleasant. I'll tell you that.
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm.
Oh, my god, please. Are you going to take the helmet off for dinner?
I don't know. Is it safe?
What? I don't know if it's safe to take it off.
Because I feel like-- we're in a fricking restaurant, Harvey.
Danger zone here. I might need it for some sort of protection.
Well, just so you know, you do look mentally challenged.
Well, that's fine. Because you know what? It's the opposite of sexy.
Being married to you is challenging in so many ways--
mentally, emotionally, physically--
that, to me, it seems fitting
that I would look challenged, sitting here with you.
-Mmm, I'm sure. -Okay.
I am gonna take a leak.
Order me the French dip.
Hello. I'm so sorry to bother you.
Two French dips, side, creamed spinach--
-no, I'm not a waitress. -Okay, well, I'm broke.
-And I'm not interested in what you're selling. -I'm not soliciting anything.
Okay, well, I don't think you think I'm a hooker,
unless you're an idiot or a very hopeful lesbian.
Oh-- oh, god.
I didn't know you were lesbians.
No, no, we're not lesbians, nor hopefuls.
Well, actually, she is. I'm not.
-Hi. I'm Vivian prudeck. -Hello.
I'm in the area making a documentary for BBC films
about the concept that marriage--
how much? Should be a contract that expires after seven years--
married 31. How much?
Well, it's quite a modest budget.
But it's more the cachet of participa--
20k, five percent.
3,000, two percent, and that is more than generous.
Seventeen and three, and I'll throw in some domestic abuse.
Four and 2.5, and that's my final offer, with the domestic abuse.
Twelve and four,
and I'll give you a trial separation at some point mid-shoot.
-You're bluffing. -Bluffing is for children. Don't insult me.
I'll give you 10,000 and three percent
if you deliver all of the above
and... Divorce papers.
You've been listening to widespread panic radio.
To build your custom blinds,
say "yes" to rightnowblinds.Com.
It's just seamless and easy.
There it is. What's wrong?
Our accountant says we have to file.
For what?
Uh, for chapter 13.
So, uh-- but don't worry.
Lenny says it's just to reorganize
so we don't have to lose the house.
Lose the house? What? Yeah.
No, that's-- that's crazy.
I mean, i--
I didn't know it was that bad. Yeah, well...
Why didn't-- i-i-it is what it is.
My god! I mean, Jesus!
Gosh, Noah! God, I really think that's unfair.
I wish you would have told me. I--
well, don't panic. I'm panicking. I should panic.
I feel sick. I feel really warm.
The bankruptcy is to protect us from further credit issues.
Oh, my god! It's just to reorganize.
We can't bring a child-- you're talking about bringing a child into poverty?
Thank you. No, thank you.
One thing at a time. Okay.
My god, I feel so frivolous. I got my hair done today.
You can get your hair done. What was it, 30, 40 bucks?
No, it was, like, $120.
What? Yeah!
What did they even do? It looks the same.
It's low-lights. It's a... whole thing.
It's like highlights. You know highlights. Sure.
So it's like that, but it just...
The whole point of it is that you don't really notice. It's very subtle.
But there's a gleam. Jesus.
Then-- then yes. Okay? Yes?
How about no hair treatments that cost over a hundred bucks and result in nothing?
Gleam? How does hair gleam? Yeah, it was a bad call. I just didn't realize...
Where we were.
Huh?
Mmm, o-okay.
Hi. Is that foreplay?
'Cause I feel like I missed something crucial.
Well, you were all ready before, and so I was just--
just feel like we need to connect, so i--
yeah, well, it just-- hi.
Hi. Um...
No, I mean, i appreciate it.
I-i-i just didn't know you were gonna--
i-I'm--
I'm-- I'm already-- i-i took care of myself.
I already did it.
What?
When? Well, like, just now.
I didn't hear anything. How do you do that?
I didn't even feel the bed shake.
When I do it myself, it's really... Silent and efficient.
Geez.
Well, where's all the stuff?
I-i don't know. You don't know?
I mean, it's on a shirt or something down there.
Hey, um, Fanny and Zander are in for tomorrow night, by the way.
Why bring up my sister when we're talking about your penis?
Well, you're the one who's obsessed about Fanny, not me.
What are you doing? Watching gif's on tumblr.
Good night.
Um, excuse me.
Uh, hi. Sir? Yes? How may I help you?
Yes, I was just-- I'm a really big fan of Vivian prudeck's--
oh, excuse my bodyguard. Hello.
Hi. Hi. Wow.
Sorry. I saw you speak, and I just was really interested in your project.
I see by your wedding band that you're either married or separated.
I am, yeah. We are married.
It's coming up seven years now. Mel, get the release!
Yeah, I just-- and I don't mean to be gauche, but, um,
how much does this sort of thing pay, or...
What's your name, my darling?
Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry, Vivian prudeck. I'm Alice. Alice brewing.
If you'll allow me, Alice, I'd like to ask you a personal question.
Oh. Okay. Yeah. Are you happy?
Sorry. My profession sometimes encourages me to overstep my mark.
That's quite all right. I understand.
Happy? Yes. We're very happy.
We went to college together. I was a freshman.
And then took some time off.
We had great faith in our love though, so we did eventually get married.
That's fantastic. Well, take care. Well done, you.
Oh, thank you. Mel, let's jog on!
There's a used Porsche dealership up there.
You could get some talent there. Excuse me. I just really--
I was excited to hear about your project--
look, lady, I'm very glad that you're happy.
But my mission is to unveil the archaic horseshit that is matrimony.
Oh. Uh...
The last thing I need is to waste my budget on a couple of lovebirds.
Hang on just a minute. Noah and I have all kinds of problems. We're not perfect.
We've been trying to have a baby for the past four years.
Our sex life is purely result-based.
And I can only orgasm when I have to urinate.
Sweetheart, these issues are amateur hour. Okay? I've got a thesis to prove.
Um... sometimes I think he wants to have sex with my sister.
Is she local?
Yes. And she rarely wears a bra.
Okay, I'm gonna let you do this on trial. Really?
-But I'm not paying you. -Well... oh.
Um, look, I think to dedicate our time we should be compensated monetarily.
Uh, Mel, start the car.
Okay, fine. Fine.
I-it's okay. Mel, the release form.
Deal. Thank you so much, Vivian prudeck.
Gosh! Vivian prudeck! This is amazing.
Um-- yes. Okay, I'll sign here.
Listen, I majored in art history at tulane, so I kinda know, you know, what you do.
I'm actually part of the vero beach cultural association.
I am so excited. I put my number right there.
Just so you can call us and tell us when to start. Thank you. Great.
A-any other questions too, just let me know. I'm always here to help.
Even if you want, you know, just a little tour around vero.
Um, I've done this sort of thing,
but can you just explain to Harvey?
I don't think he knows about the camera.
Of course. You just have to look at me. I got it.
It's just an impromptu chat, so don't look in the camera. I understand.
At all. Just ignore the camera. I understand.
- All right. - Fantastic.
What was the question? I'll ask you that again.
Um, how did it all start?
Uh-- well--
we met-- it was 1985, in Manhattan.
And, uh...
We were both heart fans.
Mmm. That is true.
Dreamboat Annie. Flawless. Love that album.
Sometimes I think that's the only thing we have left in common.
I don't know about that.
When we met she was beautiful. And she is beauti--
but she used to wear these shoes,
they were, like, these green, snakeskin-y pumps.
Oh, god. You make me sound like a hooker, Harvey.
Well, I don't think that's what I'm saying, but...
Look, I had no time for any of that. I was a single mom.
I was hustling my ass off.
Getting laid or anything like that was just an afterthought.
But he was very sexually aggressive.
I-- well, she was hot.
And we were-- it was mutual.
We were hot for each other. There was a lot of heat.
That's how I got her to marry me in the first place.
I was a champ in the sack.
Okay. Wow. So modest. I'm--
let's see. Then we got married.
Then we got married.
Yes. That changed a little.
-The first 10 years, that was-- -they were hard.
Just a lot of pressure.
Well, there was a lot of stuff going on.
She was miserable at work. She was dragging her feet.
She was in the financial world and--
wait! No. I loved my job.
I just-- i struggled--
balancing everything.
So we decided to make a change
and we moved down here to be with all the other Jews.
I'm not... Jewish. I'm not--
I don't think you have to underline that.
But also-- also...
Because cybil's daughter milly lives in Miami.
-That was a big incentive to move. -That's not the only reason.
I didn't say it was the only reason.
I read that article in redbook about prince Charles playing Polo in vero,
so it always struck me as a very nice place to live.
So we moved to be near prince Charles. That's why we're here.
The point is, the man can go anywhere in the world, and he chose to go to vero.
-He's here a lot. -Wouldn't call him a neighbor.
And what about the concept of marriage as a seven-year contract,
that after seven years you walk your own separate way and that's the end of it?
Yeah. Interesting. Hmm.
Don't think it's a bad idea, to be honest. I mean, uh...
Cyb-- I don't-- truly?
Sometimes I'm amazed that cybil and i made it this far.
I think it's valid. I really do.
Is that too harsh?
No. We're just here to tell the truth, Harvey, so...
Okay.
Wait. I'll just get the salad dressing.
Okay.
You okay?
Mmm! Yes. Ah.
So stupid. You sure?
Yeah.
I can't tell what makes you testier,
entertaining or the pending arrival of your sister.
Well, the combination isn't great.
-Hello! -Hey!
How are you? Good to see you, zenith.
Fanny. You look--
no. I love you. I've been fasting.
Hi. Peace and blessings. Peace and blessings.
You've been fasting? Really?
Yeah. Oh, okay.
Well, can you eat then, or...
'Cause I have made a casserole for everyone. Hi!
Good to see ya. Good to see you. Good to see you.
-Welcome. -You wanna watch the TV? We just got some new channels.
Oh, no, no. Shh. He doesn't know it exists.
Still he doesn't know? He's gonna find out eventually, don't you think?
-Because he's older now, he could maybe-- -you'll see when you have kids.
-It just seems sorta crazy. -We just don't honor it as a concept.
No, he doesn't know what TV is.
Well...
Oh! Gifts! We come bearing gifts yes!
Our gifts. Oh, boy! Gifts!
- Is this straight from the free thinkers workshop? - -Yes, it's incredible!
Creative comrades using their wares, making their inventions.
It's so cool.
-Best thing we ever did was moving here to be close to you. -We could not agree more.
Can we use your shower?
What? Why? We had to turn our water supply off.
-The welding machine spazzed out on-- -while we were making the gift.
Which you are gonna love.
-With the electrical stuff, it went all cuckoo. -Sounds dangerous.
Yeah, but it's making this mineral formation on the cement that's just really beautiful.
It's like this amazing, poetic, wet bruise on our floor.
A happy accident.
You got it. Who's ready for a shower?
I'm gonna! Shower!
Thank you!
You guys freshen up. We'll be chillin'.
How great are they? They're great.
So funny. They're so fun.
- Yes, present time. - The presents!
What have you brought us?
--Open it!
Is it these things that are the presents?
-No, we need those back. -Oh. Okay.
Okay, that's the first part.
- Keep going. Keep going. - -What is that?
There you go. I'm still confused.
You made this? Yes.
Well-- whoa.
Ah. Whoa!
It's an at-home agave spirit-maker.
A-- get outta town!
You're welcome.
Get outta here! I love it!
Wh-- how does it-- what do you do?
H-how does it, um-- oh, it's easy.
All you do is, you get the blue agave cactus from Mexico.
Once you get the plant, you take the heart out of it.
You want to heat it up to about 116 degrees.
Mm-hmm. And make sure-- don't go over.
I'm sorry. You said there's a blue agave plant?
Blue agave cactus.
C-cactus? From mexic-- where do you get that in mex--
it's illegal to import 'em. Illegal?
But we have a guy. Yeah.
You guys are the coolest!
Are you kidding me?
You make this thing out of, like, copper--
so glad you like it. Where do you meet these people?
He's from a moon-chanting circle that we're a part of.
You know, Noah and i have been approached to participate
in this sort of avant-garde documentary study on marriage.
Does anybody want a refill?
We have? Yes.
It's this, um, award-winning, uh, British filmmaker who's helming the piece,
and I just couldn't turn down the opportunity to support her artistic vision.
Oh, we're doing that too. Yeah.
No, i-i don't think-- it's probably a different thing, 'cause--
I don't know what you guys are talking about. I haven't heard about this yet.
The lady, she came by the workshop
and she begged us to do it because of our open relationship.
No. That's not possible. Yeah. What was her name? Lillian or, uh--
no, love, no. It was, uh, Gideon.
Gideon. Gideon. Vivian!
Her name's Vivian. Prudeck. Her name's Vivian prudeck.
Yes. Yes. Yeah.
- When, um-- she's right. - It was Vivian.
When did sh-- yeah, when did this come about?
Enough, Noah! When did she--
no, I think I deserve to know whatever avant-garde sex games you signed us up for.
It's not avant-garde.
I mean-- but I can totally see why you would think that.
What's that supposed to mean?
You know what's great? That we're all gonna do it.
Are we talking about sex? No! No one's talking about sex.
You brought sex into it. It's not like that.
At least we're all getting paid.
No. Good. There's money involved. That we can use. How much?
It's actually quite a lot. It started out as 5,000.
But then we said we weren't gonna do it, so she jacked it up to 10,000.
- Oh, my gosh. - That's so great.
It's been such a lovely night.
I'm feeling so tired. Ten grand? Are you kidding me?
When were you gonna tell me about this?
I... was gonna surprise you. This is huge for us right now.
I was gonna surprise you.
I am gonna sleep well tonight. Yes.
Get a view of love! Yeah! Are you kidding me?
Handcuffs.
After three years of studying in Chile,
the word that struck me most was esposa, meaning "wife."
But also, it aptly translates to mean "handcuffs."
An ancient language has a message, perhaps.
Marriage is quite literally jail.
Both parties are stripped of their freedom.
We are animals, after all.
We are programmed to maximize our options.
Hot-blooded monkeys.
Monkeys...
In captivity.
Cut.
Okay, Mel, can you get me out of these, please? Immediately.
Turn your wrist. Is it on this side?
Just turn-- stop saying "turn." Take me out of them.
I'm going to do it.
Just wait there, please, quietly.
Thank you.
Oh, my g-- what--
can't-- no, I can't-- oh! Oww! Mel, do it!
Okay.
Oh, god, thank you.
Sorry.
Oh, I always get in a panic in handcuffs.
- How do you think it went? - Good?
Tsk-tsk.
What?
You know what that place is, right?
It's called "your welcome spa."
You get me?
They give handy endings.
I think you mean happy endings.
Huh. Well, aren't you the expert.
Boats! Boats.
Crash. Boats crash.
Boats crashing.
Psssh! The big spoons!
Life jackets in the garage!
Oh. Sorry.
Huh? What is this?
Early anniversary.
Is it Anthrax?
I don't know what this is. I don't--
I don't get it.
I-it's in town. It's by the gas station.
I'm not gonna sex you for our anniversary,
so you might as well get a handy from a stranger.
That's nice.
You know what? I could use a bookmark.
We actually have these in our house.
And they're phenomenal. They're like--
excuse me.
Well, that's not humiliating at all.
Did we pay the electric? Yes, of course we did. I think. I gotta call Lenny.
We'll just come back! Yes! Of course. Thank you, Ms. michaelcheck.
Shit.
This is Lenny.
Lenny. Hey, it's Noah. Oh, hey.
Just wanted to triple-check that the shop electric bill got paid in full?
Oh, god. Why? Is there a problem?
That's why I'm calling. We're sitting in the dark.
Ooh, yeah. I'm looking at it now.
Is there any other revenue coming in? I don't know.
The 10 grand from this documentary thing should be coming in soon.
That's great. When's that coming in? I'll ask my wife. Hold on.
-Lump sum or increments? -Is the documentary money gonna be a lump sum or increments?
Um, it's, uh-- i think it's increments. Yeah.
You know what? I need to go get a slushie.
A slushie? Yeah! I saw an ad for one earlier.
It was like, oh, god, the '90s called and it wants you to quench your thirst.
Marketing, right? Yeah.
Get me one! Yeah.
Hold on. Here we go.
Oh, god. Okay, Alice.
Just...
Bring it back in.
Just bring it back.
Rightnowblinds.Com.
Oh, god.
Okay.
Hacky sack club cofounder.
Field hockey, junior varsity, two years in a row.
Defense. Defense, Alice.
Defense leads to offense, Alice.
Lucky listener number seven could win a dinner for two at Bonnie's.
Oh, thank you.
All I'm sayin' is, don't let nobody treat you like you basic.
You have to embody your queendom. All right, lyn.
Hi. Sorry.
Um, I was wondering if... If I could have a cigarette, please?
Oh, my god, are you okay? Lyn, give her a cigarette.
They camels though. She doesn't care, idiot. What's wrong with you?
Thank you.
Come here. It's all good. We got you, boo.
Ooh, uh--
you okay? You okay?
Why you cryin'? Don't be rude, woman. Jesus!
But you can tell us if you want to. Oh, it's, uh--
ugh. It's... M-money stuff, basically.
Yeah. I feel you.
It's hard out here. Life is tough as shit.
That's why we doin' what we doin'. Right?
If you strapped, then we could hook it up.
You look good. Know what I mean?
We only roll up pretty bitches.
You pretty, we pretty. Like, we could get this paper together. Right?
Um-- do you get it?
-I'm sorry. I'm not-- -don't be sorry.
That's right. Never apologize.
Never apologize.
What's your name?
Um, I'm Alice.
Alice. I'm Bonnie.
Tell her your name. I'm lyn.
She makin' like she can't talk to nobody.
Hi. You can call me bonbon.
We gotta come up with somethin' cute for you.
Oh, I don't know. Like alley cat or some shit, right?
You seem like an alley cat. That's cute, huh?
Why don't we go inside. Go inside?
What's my nickname? Lyn. You're lyn.
Is that legal?
I-it's 'cause I like you and I wanna help girls out when I can.
I don't like that boys club shit.
No, you gotta jerk the flank to make that bank.
Gonna get mines, for word.
I-- I'm flattered.
But I can't, um, uh, jerk anything
because I'm married.
Oh, you married? I didn't know! Whoa!
Yeah, so I can't. And that's actually how i got into this mess.
I told my husband that we're making a bunch of money doing this movie,
and, uh, we're not making a bunch of money, but he's counting on it.
So I've lied to him and I can't tell him because--
stop, stop, stop, stop. That's why we're gonna hook you up.
-I never thought you'd do porn. -You got a couple choices. Okay?
We get big money up in here 'cause clients know our gorgeous girls
are between the ages of 18 and 21.
Oh, well, I'm actually 34, so-- you 21 now.
You can either do a massage and ball-cupping for 142 bucks,
a topless massage, no balls, for 175,
a massage and a handy for 375,
or topless massage with a ball-cupping and handy for 499.
I only take 23% commission 'cause lebron is my man. Hey, hey, 23!
-Yeah. Free throws. -Thank you, but--
I commute from port St. lucie 'cause vero dick pays sick.
This bitch is from port St. lucie.
I made almost 2 g's in tips yesterday
'cause dudes was feelin' guilty as shit.
-Yeah, 'cause it was Thursday. -Thursday be some crazy shit.
Is everybody horny on Thursday? I guess so.
Hump day?
Sweetie, come here. You wanna see how smart your husband is?
Can you please not park that damn thing in the middle of the driveway?
My stomach is not well. I had burrata for lunch.
Turn the-- turn the television on.
Gonna have to strip down for this.
Why do i eat cheese?
I remember her eyes, you know. Her eyes, they tore me apart.
And then they drew me back for more.
She was glistening, and I knew i was in trouble,
because I never wanted to look away from her again.
And that was the first time we'd ever been to a sex club.
That's right. Nine years ago.
Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I didn't even know that normal people went to them.
Yeah, 'cause, you know, it's about activism. You know?
It's about actions.
We have a child together. Actions.
We don't need to be married just because we exist together.
We are together.
Therefore socially recognized as together.
And it's about communication. Yeah.
That's the key to any good relationship, I think.
It's not just an open relationship.
Yes. It's how you communicate.
Yeah. If it's not open, then it's closed.
Yeah. And you don't wanna be closed.
When you talk about an "open" relationship,
how often do you sleep with other people?
All the time. It's a constant.
Never stops. It's a part of our life.
Take me through a "constant" day of sleeping with other people. How does that--
why don't we take a tour of the shop? You still haven't seen what we do here.
Shall we talk about this. Just quickly do this bit first? And then I'd love to see the--
and this is our baby. Yes!
Free thinkers workshop.
This is how we pay the rent.
And through Zander's illustrations, of course.
He does this bunny--
wiesman, the Jewish bunny rabbit.
I'm working on a children's book
about how wiesman struggles on easter.
-It's about tolerance and acceptance, communication. -That's true. Yes.
Just stop recording. It's a total waste of time. Come see this!
-Gideon, follow us. Come on. -It's Vivian.
This is our collection of vintage sidecars.
We're refurbishing them, remodeling them, giving them new life.
It's great, right? It's a philosophical choice.
Wow. So, is this how you pay rent on this place?
Yeah, and-- and my-- my father runs a hedge fund.
Ow!
Come look at this!
Hello. Hi.
And your welcome.
All right. Uh...
Is it your first time here, sir?
It is, yes.
I got, um--
i-i...
I have this. Okay.
It was a gift. Mm-hmm.
But, uh-- would you like a massage?
Yeah. Okay.
I'd like a massage. I would.
'Cause my neck-- I have-- i have this stiffness.
Stiffness. No, no.
Pain. Pain. I have neck pain.
I would love to massage-- to massage that.
Because we also have special massage--
the massage plus, the massage total,
and, of course, the massage total plus.
Sounds all kinda the same, uh, to me.
I-i-i, uh-- about the massage plus--
it's 142. It's the one with the ball-cupping only.
But I can explain each one. No, no need. Why don't we just do what we talked about.
The massage plus? Right this way.
- Ow! Ow! -Ohh! Sorry.
Oh, um, your welcome. Your welcome. What is that?
-What is this? -There's cupping service.
-No, this is an actual cup. -For cupping.
-You don't cup with a cup. -Cup. Cupping. Cups.
Stop saying "cup." I'd like to leave now.
No, please don't go, sir. This is not pleasurable.
-I'm just not that athletic. -What does that have to do with anything?
-My forearms are very weak. It's hereditary. -Wh-what?
Lacrosse is more of a hand-job kind of cupping sport. Stop talking. Take a breath.
-And stop. -Okay.
- Good lord. -I'm sorry.
Could you-- would you hand me my shirt, please?
Sure. Yes. Oh, yes.
Here.
Um, this one or-- just--
-sorry. I think I got oil on it. -That is literally the least of my problems.
How old are you?
Twenty-one.
You're 21? Really.
Why? You think i look old?
No, you don't look old.
But you don't look 21.
Well, I'm 30.
That I believe.
I'm 34.
I believe 34.
Could I ask you a question?
Why are you doing this?
I lied to my husband about money,
and I'm just bailing myself out.
So you're married?
Yes, I'm-- yeah.
Are you?
Mmm. Barely.
Marriage is the best thing that ever happened to us.
When we first met at tulane, in the cafeteria,
she was a freshman, i was a senior, and I'll never forget it.
She was going to town on this bowl of olives,
and I said-- i was trying to be flirty--
"uh, olives is not lunch."
And she said, "they is to me."
Well--
and so I said, uh, "I'm Noah."
And she said, "i know-uh."
So we laughed and...
The rest is history.
It can be hard though, too, you know, marriage.
Just-- we struggle a lot. We have a lot of struggles. Interesting.
-How do you struggle? -We're trying to get pregnant.
Yeah. But we can't.
-Well, that's not entirely true. -Yes, it is.
We don't know yet. We're just-- we're trying.
- We have sex very rarely.
And when we do, we sort of fail at it.
Y-you fail at-- at sex stuff.
-What? -All of it, really. Everything.
No, we don't.
At least i never thought we did.
I always wanted to be an artist.
You wanted to work in advertising, so that's-- it's--
that's still... A very creative position. Not exactly the same.
You never said you wanted to be an artist. Well, we had a deal.
We had a break. Remember, we had a break.
Yeah, we took some time off. A long break because he was waiting for me to graduate.
And the deal was that we were going to go to New York.
I was gonna get a chance, finally, to pursue my career. We were gonna start new there.
You know, it would've been great.
Uh, but my father passed away.
His father passed away. And I had to take over, so--
and then after, i thought we could--
so we came back.
Now Alice runs all the ad sales, marketing, and graphic design--
-don't get to do anything, but-- -for brewing blinds.
I always wanted to have a Bob, like Louise Brooks.
A what? A Bob.
- A haircut. -Yeah. My sister had a mohawk in high school.
Who cares? You tell me.
What? What?
Change battery. Quickly.
Sorry.
Stay there. Stay there.
We have great deals on blinds
installed in your home or office.
You're not still bummed about, uh... not working in advertising, are you?
What? Oh, um...
No, it's not that.
I think, um, i just get so anxious in front of that camera.
Alice. Noah.
Okay.
I think I'm just tired. You know? Totally.
Hi. Welcome. Welcome to the free thinkers bookshop.
- Hello. - Hello.
That's the bunny rabbit that missed out on easter.
- What is it? - A Jewish bunny rabbit.
- Jewish. - Mm-hmm.
I'm the artist. Mmm.
Please come back and see us.
Perhaps of a different belief system.
Now, you have work to do.
-Are you Fanny and Zander? -Oh. Yeah. Hi.
That's great. I'm egon.
Hi. My friend zorn from occupy Orlando
recommended I come see you about work out here.
Yeah. What kind of work do you do, brother?
Oh, I'm a sculptor-slash- performance artist. Oh!
I make life-sized copulating nudes with reclaimed appliances.
Oh, that's genius. That sounds amazing.
What's the performance component? It's called gut extraction.
Wow! Wow!
Through volunteer subjects,
I pull the energy from their insides using breath and proximity
and I transfer the human spirit into the metal structures.
Wow! Wow.
I can show you, if you want to volunteer maybe.
Very cool. Yeah! Yeah! Of course.
Okay. That's awesome. Right on! Absolutely.
It's cool, right? There's a stool here. It's all we need.
Thank you so much for taking this journey of life with me.
You're welcome.
Okay, just focus on my nostrils. All right?
That's very good.
Now, if you could just spread your legs a little bit for me, that'd be great.
-You know what? We're good on the guts art, bro. -Oh.
Well, when you use it with the metal and it goes in there--
you should walk away now.
Begone, egon. Don't apologize. Just walk.
Namaste. Namaste.
Na-must-go. You were really good.
Hey. Na-must-go.
See ya. Bye.
I've been, like-- I'm sorry--
Christ on a stick, they're square for hippies.
They didn't buy it. Where did you find this dolt?
- Craigslist, boca raton. - Should I go back in there?
I have spent six years of my life into research
and endured a lacerating divorce from a welsh industrialist
to authenticate this project.
And you use craigslist boca.
I'm sorry, viv. He's the best we could get for the time and money.
I need chaos. It's too clean.
Maybe we should've gone to shreveport.
No, Mel! Florida's the one with the statistics.
Shreveport.
Besides, my nan used to say,
bacteria grows richer in a pristine petri dish
than in a sullied one.
I miss my nan.
Maybe just tell them it'd be more compelling
if their marriage falls apart.
It's my responsibility to paint a picture.
Maybe I just need a heavier hand.
I notice you're holding a helmet. Is that something you wear in the house?
Or do you have a motorbike?
Just, uh-- just had a little ride.
That's all right. I can take it out, if that's a problem.
It's embarrassing. What?
Mid-life crisis. Embarrassing.
At your age, it does just read as bourgeois.
And garden fountains are not bourgeois
wong told us to get those and you know that.
Who is wong?
We went to a therapist, Dr. Sandra wong.
This was years ago, when we first got together.
Because cybil, uh, said
that i-- I made our bedroom a hostile environment.
He snores. I snore.
So I took to putting a pillow over his face.
She tried to kill me, basically. That's what that is.
-I tried to silence you. There is a difference. -Explain that to a jury.
That's how you would kill someone. Right.
-If you apply pressure, which I didn't. -Yeah, well, you could die.
Dr. wong told me to write in this journal thingie
whenever I felt like i might want to kill him.
-Which is a much better idea. -Which was at night, when he was powerless.
And he's flagrantly loud.
Okay.
- Flagrantly... loud. - Got it. Thank you.
Um, let's talk about family. You have a daughter. Right?
Yes. Milly.
She's, um--
well, she's from my previous, very brief marriage
to Max.
Milly is very independent.
A--
and... You know what?
Let's just-- let's just leave her...
I-i can't hear you.
Let's just not-- let's just leave her out of this, maybe.
Do you have regrets about your role as a mother?
No. No.
No.
Well, i worked a lot.
Uh, maybe milly harbors some...
Let's just-- let's just do what we said,
which is, stick to the whole marriage thing.
Does milly see you as a failure?
She just said she doesn't want to talk about it.
Of course. So let's not talk about it.
Okay. Yes. Go to another question.
Yeah. Um, so, that's all-- that's all brilliant.
Um-- mm-hmm.
Oh, it's beautiful out here.
Yeah. Live in art to make art.
Yes, I agree.
We're both artists in that way.
It's a-- it's a sensual existence, don't you think?
I suppose so. Mmm.
Being open is-- is Paramount to the free life.
That's why I'm so thankful
that you and Fanny let me in.
Yeah, I understand why you never got married.
It's an old-fashioned, stodgy principle.
Yeah.
And you're both like cavemen,
with whomever you feel or smell at that time.
Yeah, that's true. Like beasts.
Hmm? Yeah--
oh. Oh. Oh!
Oh, you know, I should probably feed the chickens.
Yeah. Namaste.
Blast. These people are puritans.
Shh. It's okay. It's okay.
All ri-- okay. Okay.
We're gonna get you in the chair. Snackies? You want snackies?
- We have your little snackie bag.
Shit.
Clear, Alice. Clear.
It's difficult, isn't it, darling?
Vivian, I didn't see you there.
Trying to move forward when your partner's stuck in the tall grass.
Oh, yes, yeah. I've been there.
You have? I was married, you know.
You were? We're more alike than you realize.
I'm okay. Mmm. Okay. You're sharp, Alice.
You were right about Noah.
I was? About what?
It's not his fault he has a wandering eye. He is, after all, a baboon.
He's a baboon? As are you and I.
Yes. I've observed your sister Fanny.
Her robust fertility that's awarded her a son.
She is but abounding sensuality, so effortless and free.
Yes, yes. I mean, how could Noah,
a man of ripe virility, ignore such a scent?
Do you... know something?
Here's what I know.
Are you both really doing all that you can to get pregnant?
I mean, I know that you are, Alice, but is he?
Well, if I'm really honest with you,
the subject is really complex because I'm really not sure--
oh, damn right it's complex.
I'm sure that he operates with fine intentions,
but... a wild animal cannot help
but bite.
I think the price is actually very reasonable. The seller's very motivated.
It's really beautiful.
Oh! This is the seller's agent. Honey, what do you think?
So just-- why don't you just take it all in?
I won't be a sec. Wanna look over there?
Yeah.
Hello. Hello?
Mom? Milly? Oh.
Hello? Oh, honey, i can't hear you.
I'm gonna call you back. What?
Hey, it's milly. Leave a message. Oh.
Okay, I guess you're in a bad area, or maybe it's me.
I don't know. I couldn't hear you, honey.
We-- we're so excited that you're coming.
Um, i-- it's been so long.
I feel like I'll hardly recognize you.
But I will. I mean, I will, of course.
It's not even a nice thing to say. I'm sorry.
Um... okay.
Well, call me when you can. Okay? I love you so much.
So-- so what's the catch? Call me.
I mean, did someone die in here or something?
Uh, yes, but natural causes.
Wait, what?
I've actually got one that I think will work for you.
Yeah? Yeah.
It's an s1k that we picked up from a yard in Rhode Island.
Okay. It's a little rusted out, but I can sand that out.
It'll rig on there okay? Oh, yeah.
I can prep the mount today and then you can take it on and off whenever you want.
I've never ridden with the extra weight.
It's like training wheels. You just gotta be careful around the turns.
But it provides extra support.
Sure, sure. You got yourself a copilot?
Uh-- well, in theory.
Oh. Is this a special occasion?
Hopefully. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
I am so thrilled we can make it work.
Me too. Thanks so much. All right. You got it, Mike.
You got it. Paperwork's on its way to you.
Uh-huh.
Ha! Okay.
Here we go.
What-- i just signed it.
I don't know the password.
Is this it--
milly's not coming.
Hmm? What'd you say?
How's the sex?
Horrible. It's great.
He wears his glasses during cunnilingus.
I did that once. Well--
I am never gonna live that down.
My vagina felt inspected. I felt that I was under scrutiny of some sort.
Why do you think i can only come when I have to pee?
What does that have to do with anything? Alice, what is going on?
- Can we turn the camera off for a second? - Of course.
Noah. What-- what-- this vibe.
I was just being honest for the sake of artistic integrity.
A noble cause.
Okay, excuse us. I just was trying--
sorry. Come here. Noah.
Pan out, pan out.
What?
Listen. What's wrong?
Every time we come in here, you make it seem like we're miserable.
I think we have a pretty great life. Don't you?
- Yes, sometimes, yes. - Get in there.
I don't think this is good for us. I think we should bail.
We need the money. Fuck the cash.
Fanny's doing it. Besides, we can't bail.
Is that what this is about? Your maniac sister is doing this.
You said we need the cash. My maniac sister? Jesus.
You said she's the most athletic person you know, so--
okay. Who cares?
Do you think about sleeping with her?
What? Oh, my god. Do you?
Why would you accuse me of that?
I think I've been more than patient and reasonable with your moody outbursts.
For someone who wants a baby so badly,
you're making it pretty difficult to want to have sex with you.
You're being irrational and mean.
I'm being mean? Yeah.
You're being mean. I am so nice to you, Noah.
I play tennis for you.
I let you smell my mouth before I brush.
I listen to widespread panic for you.
What about me? What about you?
Well, okay, the most creative thing I have done in the past three months
is hem your fucking pants, Noah.
Well, there's-- don't bring up brewing blinds.
Brewing never needs any new artwork, and that is the truth,
because you insist that "we need a visual that clients can trust."
Basic brand. I understand that. But you know what, Noah?
I could have moved to New York without you,
because Terry Schultz had that extra room,
and I could have dealt with those cats easily if I just took Claritin or something.
Then I could be getting coffee on my lunch breaks or buying gesso somewhere.
I could have a mohawk right now, but I don't, for you.
So don't tell me that I'm being mean.
Alice. No. I will not have that!
Namaste. Namaste.
Oh, god.
Fermented burdock? No, thank you, my love.
Fanny. Yes?
No matter what roof we've lived under,
whether it's tin or hay or stars,
I feel like we've always been transparent with each other.
The hearth of truth. Yes. The hearth of truth.
It's-- it's just...
This is--
is there someone you're wanting to connect with?
Someone you're wanting to bring into our bed?
No, it's not that.
I don't know if it's because I'm getting older
or maybe I'm losing my edge.
We haven't talked about the fact that neither you or I
have brought anyone into our bed in nearly six years.
Fanny,
you are so much more than I could have ever dreamed of.
And this hearth of truth-- our hearth of truth--
our fire...
I don't know if I want to share that warmth
with anyone anymore.
Jesus, al. Knock sometimes.
I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in here. I really didn't.
That's why you knock. Okay. Well, can i just go pee?
Yeah. Of course. No, alone? Can I go alone?
'Cause i-- yeah, that kind of pee. I got it. Yeah.
Thank you.
I'd like some privacy.
Yeah, I'm not really sure if that's what I imagined.
Man, I get it. It's hard to stick to the one you're married to
when you could always have the newer, sexier model, right.
So, why don't you live with it. Yeah?
Right? And if it doesn't turn you on,
you can always replace it.
Good point.
Hey, Noah? Mm-hmm?
Could I just talk to you for a second, please? Yeah. Sure.
Excuse me. Okay. All right.
Sorry. Hey, I just want to talk to you. Okay.
Are you taking hydrocodone because you want to be with Fanny?
What are you talking about?
I know you injured your elbow three years ago mountain biking,
and you took hydrocodone, but there's no reason you should be taking it anymore
unless you're deliberately trying to sabotage our chances of having a child,
which was your idea to begin with.
Okay, where is this coming from? I saw you take those pills.
Those pills you take.
Vivian said I should look out for signs, and I saw signs.
I saw you taking those pills.
She said Fanny was "abounding" with all kinds of stuff, and we're all baboons--
stop! Just stop, okay?
Just tell me. All right.
I don't even know where to start.
I have to, like--
i-- I'm not taking hydrocodone.
I'm taking he shou wu.
It's for male pattern baldness.
"Maherpatterbaldas"? What's "maherpatter--"
male pattern baldness.
Oh. Okay?
I got it from a Chinese doctor that Fanny and Zander recommended.
I didn't wanna tell you because I want you to think of me
as this viral, hunky man,
and not some old dude with his hair falling out.
But why did you go to Fanny to talk about that?
Why do you have this secret meeting with Fanny? Fanny! Fanny!
Something you won't even talk to me about. Let's clear up this Fanny thing.
Okay. I would like to do that.
Let's just settle this, 'cause there's something you need to know
about your sister Fanny. What?
She's great, but...
In the way that llamas are great.
They're cute in pictures and maybe they're fun to feed,
but I don't want one in my house because they spit a lot.
I'm serious.
The best thing Fanny's got going for her is Zander and zenith
and that she's got you for her sister.
Other than that,
she kind of smells like a combination of ear wax and oregano.
I love you, Noah.
I love you too, al.
Future mother of our children.
Noah.
I don't want to have a baby.
What?
I-- I just feel like
I'm putting all this frantic energy
into trying to get pregnant, and i--
the truth is it just really makes my stomach hurt.
I only wanted to have a baby because it's what you wanted
and because it's so obviously what we're meant to do.
But i--
I'm sorry.
So sorry.
I mean, that's hard for me to hear.
I know.
Noah.
Please don't divorce me.
Please. Because then Vivian wins, right?
What?
Okay, wait. First of all, that British jerk has nothing to do with us.
And second of all,
we're not getting a divorce.
Okay? Yeah. Okay.
Now, I admit, i want to have kids,
and i-- I want to have them with you.
But when we got married,
we promised to walk through the mud and the light together.
And I meant it.
So I gotta process this,
but I'm not going anywhere.
Okay. Nice to hear.
Now, I have to ask you a very important question.
Anything. Okay.
Do you, Alice brewing,
promise to extract us
from this toxic horror show of a documentary,
for richer or for poorer?
I do.
Okay.
I'm here.
I'm gonna take a shower before we get started.
So I won't be a second. All right, baby.
I have to finish this-- welcome home.
Hi. Hi, hi. Guess who's here.
Hi, mom. Milly?
-Holy shit! -I'm pregnant.
Well, I'm not an idiot, milly!
This is precisely why i didn't tell you.
I'm your mother, for Christ's sake. Oh, my god.
I knew you'd flip your lid, mom, which clearly you are.
-And how long? How far along are you? -Nine months.
-Nine months? -Nine months. -Nine months.
Oh, my god, milly. You're so beautiful.
You better sit down. Harvey, can you get her a chair?
-She's got a couch. She's fine. -Get her a chair.
Mom, you have to calm down. Just calm-- no, stop it. Stop it! Stop it!
This is why I don't tell you anything! What do you mean?
-Harvey can tell you. We talk about it. -Did you know about this?
-No. -I've been working my ass off preparing for this damn thing.
-I'm broke. -I'll help you.
I don't need your help. This crazy lady is paying me $500 to be here.
How dare you pay her only $500?
You're paying everybody else way more than that!
No, 'cause I also paid for her bus fare.
That was nice. They got the bus fare.
- You made her take the bus? - Oh, boy.
-A bus. -Here we go.
In her condition.
You made her take a bus in her condition?
Mom, it was fine. What kind of barbarian are you?
-It's fine. Stop it. -I don't know what kind of tricky piece of magic
you're trying to conjure up here with your horseshit reality show.
-I don't know, but I'll tell you something. -It's kind of sexy.
Pack up the cameras. Pack up your lesbian and get the fuck out of my house!
Can you just calm down, please? No!
Turn that off! A bus!
- Hello?
Hello! Hello!
Oh. Oh, shoot! Coming!
Sorry.
Hi. Hey.
Sorry, sister. I didn't hear you knocking.
Normally zenith hears it.
Come on in.
Hi. Hello.
Should I, uh-- yeah.
Do you want-- yeah, sit down.
I just can't breathe unless there's incense, you know?
Um... so, i-i-- i just want to apologize to you, Fanny.
When I think of you--
when i-- you know--
what? I'm sorry.
It's just so loud. Could we tell them to just take five
or smoke something?
Of course. Yeah, sorry.
Thank you.
From when you lived in Lithuania?
Yeah. Yeah.
So cool. Um--
I just want you to know that...
Even though you are my younger sister,
I have always looked up to you.
I mean, you are so good at making life
just exciting, you know?
And... strange and wonderful.
You're like my life spirit animal, you know?
I love that. It's true.
-I love that. -Noah and I will never be as effortless as you.
You know, probably 'cause we could never handle
having multiple sexual partners in our relationship.
Um, can I just-- yeah.
If I wanted to do heroin,
I have the means and resources to do heroin.
Wait, what? When did you do heroin?
Zander and i could do heroin,
but we choose not to do heroin.
That's why we don't do heroin,
is because we choose not to.
Well, that's great.
I mean, 'cause it's a really dangerous drug.
Heroin being the metaphor for cheating.
Oh! Yeah, we don't cheat.
You don't cheat. What? We don't cheat.
See, that was such an interesting way to say it.
It would have been easier if you just said it. It was quite a reach.
Oh! Does Vivian know that? I feel like--
oh, screw that bloodsucker. Why? You don't like her anymore?
She was trying to seduce Zander, and he wouldn't let her.
She fired us. What?
Yeah. That's crazy.
She came over here and kissed him. No. Stop.
She kissed him on the mouth.
Oh, my god. Fancy lady blouse.
I really thought that she was one of the great people.
She was picking up on some dark energy.
You're good at reading juju. I know, right?
Oh, my gosh. She's terrible. You need to get revenge.
I know. What are we gonna do?
Hey. Hey.
So glad you got to have a proper shower.
I just-- I made you some sleepy time tea. Thank you.
And I, uh--
I put some milanos there too.
You didn't have to do that. Yeah.
And...
It's very good. I know.
Tomorrow night, if you like,
we can make some artichokes.
I'm probably gonna go back to Miami first thing.
-Oh. -So...
May I ask who the lucky father is?
-Quilton. -Is that a real name?
-Yeah. -Well, he--
he sounds nice. Yeah, he's super nice.
He's in jail.
For what?
For walking his dog without a leash.
Oh, well, that seems a little harsh.
Yeah, well, he has a lot of tattoos all over,
so he gets arrested for stupid stuff all the time,
and then we don't have enough money to bail him out.
Well...
Nice to see he has a dog.
Yeah.
Oh, milly, why don't you just--
stay here for a few weeks?
Maybe until the baby comes even.
See, I can help you with everything.
I'm sure quilton would understand that your mom wants to care for you right now.
That's okay. He'd get that.
No, no. We have a plan, and it's your anniversary.
You don't want your pregnant daughter running around, ruining the mood.
No, I do. I do. The mood is fine.
The mood is--
it's good.
Mom, he's stuck in jail, and he's not gonna see the baby come.
I can't just sit here in your guest room, eating milanos and drinking tea
and just waiting for him to come out.
We'll bail him out.
We will bail quilter out.
Quilton.
Mel, can you come over here, please?
Do you want a shandy?
Spoon you?
It can't all fall apart.
I've come too far.
They're all failing me.
Where do I find new subjects?
There's a sex addicts anonymous meeting in fort Pierce tomorrow.
You're so clever, Mel. You know that, don't you?
Thank you.
Could I call you Richard from now on?
Maybe not.
And I lifted my head from her crotch
and said, "i don't want to be here."
This is not me anymore.
I choose to stop eating you out because I do not know your name.
That's so great.
- Hello? - Vivian. Yes, hi.
Hello, Alice. Yeah. I can't talk at the moment. It's not a good time.
Well, I understand, but you were right.
Fanny and Noah, they're cheating on me, and, um--
they're doing it.
Oh, my god. I'm so sad.
I found Fanny's panties in Noah's briefcase.
-What? I'm not a lawyer in an '80s movie. -I don't wear panties.
I mean, such is life. As I always say, fate is inevitable.
Yes, you are right.
I just-- I've been in my car alone, crying.
And the shit just hit the fan.
And the shit has hit the fan in my relationship.
We need to investigate this arduous time.
Yeah, we do need to investigate it.
And I want to do it--
and I want to do it on camera,
for your documentary
because I think I really want to confront him.
Wait. I've got an idea. What if we did a public event on emancipation day?
It could be dramatic and profound.
Think about it.
Why be in front of one when you can be in front of a crowd and really ruin him?
A crowd? She wants to do it publicly? She's insane!
You know, I think it's a fair idea. I do.
Because it's a perfect place for me to free myself.
Why? What do you mean? Free yourself from--
uh... divorce.
That's right. Divorce. I'll see you there.
Di-- bye.
Mel! We must organize.
Hey! Sorry, guys.
We're in a meeting.
Come on quickly, Mel.
I think I'm close to tears.
Mel. Mel, Mel. Come on. I'm in a pocket. I'm in a pocket now.
Okay, and-- okay, good.
The jig is up, people.
We perform these lofty acts of love--
sky-written proposals,
flash mobs of "i will love you forever," blah, blah, blah.
These are gestures of disillusionment.
Modern society has the privilege to evolve.
Seven years is more than enough to ask of someone--
if any years at all.
However, if you have taken that futile path,
as I had done myself, in vain,
you needn't remain captive.
So often people declare their love.
Why not declare your freedom?
My subject, Alice brewing,
after seven years of marriage and servitude to her husband Noah,
will publicly exercise her marital liberation
on none other than emancipation day,
the day that so many proud citizens shed the shackles of bondage
in the name of human rights.
A day that my subject, Alice,
will aptly demand hers.
Cut.
Well, shit.
Well, this just in.
Critically acclaimed documentarian Vivian prudeck--
you know, the one with the wild ideas about marriage.
She's hosting an emancipation day event tomorrow.
- Hey. Okay. The guys here say it's not just the battery.
It's the starter.
Or it's the-- possibly the sole-- "solenord"?
I don't know. I don't speak car.
But anyway, whatever it is, it's gonna be another day or so.
I think we should just stay in tonight, get take-out.
Take-out, for our anniversary?
I know, but milly's here, so we'll just do a low-key thing, okay?
All right. Okay.
Okay. I'm waiting for my cab, so it'll be another hour.
Okay. See you in an hour.
Milly, you want anything while I'm out? No, thanks. I'm good.
All righty. Actually, yeah, yeah. Can I have some shrimp scampi?
-You got it. -But not from that Italian place near the pizza place.
-I don't like that place. -Okay. I got it.
-Anything else? -A bunch of chocolate stuff. Just surprise me.
Perfect. Got it. Thank you.
That'll do it. Thank you, ma'am.
Yo! Zander?
Hello?
Anybody else notice how filthy her aura was?
It was like--
I'm sorry to interrupt. Harvey! Oh! Oh!
You're picking up today. That's right. Come in.
Hate to intrude. Sorry. Meet my family.
-This is Fanny. Fanny, this is Harvey. -Hello.
That's Ophelia. And that's Cyrus.
And that's Noah and Alice.
-Wait. Where's Alice? Wait. Alice. -Alice!
It took me forever to figure out your eco-toilet.
Alice, this is Harvey. Harvey, meet Alice.
-We've met before, haven't we? -No, no. I don't think--
-i don't think so. -There's something so familiar about your face.
-I think I just have one of those faces. -You look so familiar.
Well, look, Harvey. You know what?
Why don't you sit down, have a drink.
I'm gonna mount that sidecar. I worked really hard on it. Your special lady's gonna love it.
What's happening? You're all stiff all of a sudden.
-I didn't-- no. -Have more.
Oh, thank you. Massage her, Noah.
-No, no, no. No massaging. It's fine. -How 'bout a massage?
-No! -I'll wait outside.
-No, don't be silly. -Relax, baby!
-Uh, no, no-- -please, I don't need--
-massaging you! -Hey!
You guys hear about that Vivian prudeck thing?
Yeah. Yeah. We're going to that. Are you?
You know, my wife and I, we're doing this crazy documentary thing that--
- you're what? - -Get out of here!
Oh, my god! You know what I'm talking about?
We're doing that. But we hate her.
-No. -She's doing that whole thing because of us.
That Vivian crazy lady?
-She's insane! -No. No way.
You gotta join us.
It's here. Hey.
Smells so good. I'm super hungry.
Oh. Look at you, with your candles.
I just want it to be nice ambience, okay?
So I'm gonna set it up and then you can just have a good anniversary.
And I'll just go into my room. What?
Hey, what is more perfect than-- than this?
Okay. Okay.
Hi. Hi.
Uh, would you ask your mom to come out for a minute, please?
Hey, mom, it's for you.
What?
Happy anniversary.
I know you may hate this gift,
or you may think it's really selfish,
but, uh,
I realized...
I don't-- I don't want to ride alone.
I really don't.
I was gonna make it "i don't want no cybil war,"
but I thought this was a little more to the point.
What is this?
Happy anniversary to you.
Is it a divorce in a box? No, they don't make those. I checked.
I got this so I could ride bitch.
I--
I never knew you wanted to join me.
You never asked.
Come on. Suit up.
I'm taking you out. Now?
-Yeah, right now. -Oh, no, now? No.
We got a whole spread, like a table thing. I don't care.
I'm taking you out for a steak dinner. Come on. Suit up.
Milly! Eat the food! I'm taking your mom out.
Okay, uh-- just give me a second.
Climb in. You're doing so well. Exactly.
It's like a chair. Wait, wait.
But much harder. Thank god you thought of this 'cause I'll be honest,
with a head as hard as yours, i forgot to get a helmet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't think about it.
Don't go-- don't go till I'm ready, till I know you're going.
Okay. There you go. Okay.
Never seen anything cuter.
You're like the cutest cosmonaut there ever was.
Okay, what do I hold on to? Me!
And your life.
Keep your hands--
hey, Noah, do you think that--
are you sure that there was no alcoholic in the, um, sugar thing
that they had, that they were serving?
I don't know what the hell was in that stuff.
And that's why i didn't drink any of it.
No! You didn't?
No. I didn't. We were supposed to be together in that.
I don't drink anything from that house
'cause it could be goat pee or who knows?
Who makes it at 165? That doesn't even-- what's happening?
What are you doing? I'm trying to make these bagel bites.
You want some help with that? So much to read.
I just want to admit something to you. Okay.
Just-- I want to be completely frank. Lay it on me.
I think I might be a little bit buzzed because--
not really drunk or anything, but just a wee bit buzzed.
Because honestly, i, um-- I want you to be up here with me.
It's so fun. Come, come, come, come.
I am jealous of where you are right now.
I have some catching up to do. I know!
I'm going to get some glasses.
Let me guess. You must be quilton. Yeah.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Thank you so much for bailing me out, Mr. burger.
Please, call me Harvey. All right, Harvey.
Okay. I'm so embarrassed that we had to meet like this.
Ah, don't you even worry about it.
Here we go. Hop on in.
How 'bout that?
That's the-- that's your ride? That's it.
Sweet, right?
Yeah. I'm afraid of motorcycles.
You actually-- really?
Yeah. I mean, yeah.
Okay. Tell you what.
I promise I won't do any wheelies today.
Please don't. Yeah, don't-- please don't do that.
No, I'm kidding. 'Cause you can't. Okay.
That was a joke. You can't do-- okay.
It's just like a car, except there's no roof.
And it's not a car.
My heart is on high.
How can I be so blessed that my subjects be so ripe for their noble demise?
-Mel? -I'm right here.
Is the boom operator here yet?
A professional person should be tardy for no one.
He's been here for 20 minutes. Good.
Let him wait 10 more. Time is dictated by its leader.
You look like the hippie actor we hired who bombed.
Yeah, it's him. Sorry.
Why is he here for the boom operator position?
I majored in artistic psychology.
Mel, I'd like a sidebar.
This makes me very uncomfortable. He's very intuitive.
I don't work with attractive people.
I'm questioning his competence.
He said he would do it for free if you give him a signed copy of tween jungle.
He saw tween jungle?
Welcome to the team.
Right on. Wow. Thank you.
Um, next time, more coverage on the wardrobe selection.
Oh, nipple. Sorry.
Both sides. I didn't mean to do that.
Yeah. Good.
Famed documentarian Vivian prudeck is here for an upcoming project
concerning the surroundings of her theories.
Look at this. Hey.
- Huh? - Oh-ho!
-Nice, mom. Very impressive. -She's a pro.
Just drive safe.
Oh, yeah. Very good. Have fun!
How are you?
Excellent. Okay, good. Thank you.
We have plenty. So pass this--
do you know what you're doing?
No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, okay. Crate of eggs. Crate of eggs.
Baby!
Hey, dad! Hi, mama!
There's our little minnow.
Oh.
You all set? Mm-hmm.
Ladies and gentlemen, kindly welcome Ms. Vivian prudeck.
Hello. Hello. Hi.
Happy emancipation day.
Thank you all so much.
As I think most of you know,
my documentary project, I do until I don't,
examines the idea that marriage should be a seven-year contract
with an option to renew.
Today's presentation is not so much a performance
as it is a declaration.
In the words of Dr. coontz,
we should ban all performance weddings to begin with.
I'm not insinuating that the idea-- mmm. That's where they are?
I'm saying if you build a union on fantasy-- yeah, it's that lady.
Then it's impossible to maintain.
I'm simply proposing marital reform.
Reform is an evolutionary privilege.
Uh, what's so bad about marriage anyway?
Well, I think the convention has merited a slightly more complex analysis
than just saying it's "bad."
I have a question. Yes?
Um, life is hard enough. Why not have a human constant to go through it with?
What kind of constant are you referring to, sir?
'Cause the only constant that humans are capable of
is that of a philandering nature, Mr. constant.
-Care to comment? -I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, you don't know what you're talking about? Wow. Guess what, Noah.
I have something i really want to talk to you about right now.
Okay.
After all of these years, and after everything that we have been through,
how dare you?
What part of you could so flagrantly...
Continue to love me wholly despite my flaws?
Aw!
Because of your flaws, Alice.
I'm your constant.
I am your constant. No, no, no. Wait!
I'll be your constant. And I will be yours.
-Yeah? -Shh! Alice!
-You promised. You said-- -oh, come off it, Vivian.
Look, no one's cheating on anyone.
And no one's getting a divorce.
Vivian, if I may? And I think I speak on behalf of everybody here.
You don't have to get married, but let others work it out.
Don't make it worse. We've got enough problems.
Come on, people. You don't all believe this, do you?
People only partake in open relationships for the bragging rights.
Yeah, but you're in a bloody open relationship.
Yeah, but we've been monogamous for, like, six years now.
-You're a liar and a conformist. -Hey, what about penguins?
- They're monogamous! - -Yeah!
Really? Penguins?
You have all been brainwashed!
It's a ruse! "Ew! Scary!" No, it's not scary!
Polyamory is our birthright.
-Hey, Fanny? -Yes, Zander?
- Will you marry me? - -What?
Yes.
No! No!
You can't just-- no, you can't! You can't just ask her to marry you!
Whoo!
Brother-in-law!
Milly! Oh, my god! What?
We gotta get out of here! What? What?
Milly's going into labor. My daughter's going to have a baby.
Now? Yeah, now. Now.
Why would she do that now?
What?
It's on our way. On your way? Really?
We'll follow you.
What are you doing, you animal? Put me down! Put me down, please!
What are you doing, kissing me like that?
Stop talking.
Egon!
It's quite a nice name, egon.
You're gonna be fine. This is really it.
So you step down. We're just gonna get the keys.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Go to it, babe. -Wait a second. Where is the damn car?
The car is in the shop. You knew that.
You're welcome certainly to take our car.
That's not a car even!
Sidecar has room. I'll get her there fast. No!
Oh, that is significant!
You guys, I think we should just stay here. Is that a possibility?
What's going on? What?
We'll do it in the house. Have the baby in the house.
Feels like an urgent situation. We should just make a decision.
The baby is coming, for crying out loud! I'm a doula. Don't worry.
-What is a doula? -You know, the tractor's really safe.
- No! - I don't wanna go anywhere! Let's just stay here.
She wants to stay here. Let's just stay here.
What?
Boil some water. What?
- She knows what she's doing. -She knows what she's doing?
Wait, wait. What--
okay, sweetie. We're gonna do it in the house. It's happening.
It's happening in the house. Chop, chop.
It's not good. It's not good. It's not good.
What's not good, honey? Ma, just... be cool.
Try the banana? You want this banana?
No, I don't want the banana.
Oh! Baby!
We are never selling this house.
Deal.
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